Episode 96 - Judah Friedlander, Jim David, Louis Katz, Rev. Jen Miller, Matt McCarthy

Episode 96 • Released August 4, 2010 • Speakers detected

00:00:00Guest:Lock the gates!

00:00:07Marc:Are we doing this?

00:00:08Marc:Really?

00:00:08Marc:Wait for it.

00:00:09Marc:Are we doing this?

00:00:10Marc:Wait for it.

00:00:12Marc:Pow!

00:00:12Marc:What the fuck?

00:00:14Marc:And it's also... Eh, what the fuck?

00:00:16Marc:What's wrong with me?

00:00:17Marc:It's time for WTF!

00:00:19Marc:What the fuck?

00:00:20Guest:With Mark Maris.

00:00:21Marc:All right, let's do this.

00:00:24Marc:How are you, what the fuckers?

00:00:26Marc:Welcome to Comics Comedy Club in New York City for a live what the fuck.

00:00:31Marc:How are you, what the fuck buddies?

00:00:33Marc:What the fucking ears?

00:00:34Marc:What the fuck nicks?

00:00:36Marc:What the fucking aughts?

00:00:38Marc:Welcome.

00:00:39Marc:That was an abrupt end to clapping.

00:00:42Marc:That was an extremely abrupt end to clapping, punctuated by a woman screaming, which is the only way to end clapping.

00:00:51Marc:Thanks for coming out, you guys.

00:00:52Marc:It's nice to see you.

00:00:53Marc:I asked them to stop letting people in at this number of people.

00:00:59Marc:We had a few more on the first show, but that was just because I wanted more on that show.

00:01:04Marc:I wanted the environment to be a little different for this show.

00:01:07Marc:I prefer half a house.

00:01:10Marc:I've been doing this a long time, and I just find that if I have scattered people spread out in a room, not congealed in an audience fashion to where people can think their own thoughts and not actually function as an audience, that I enjoy it more.

00:01:24Marc:I'd rather just wonder what you're thinking as opposed to what I'm saying.

00:01:28Marc:Is everybody here for the right thing?

00:01:31Marc:Do you know why you're here, sir?

00:01:34Marc:You don't.

00:01:35Marc:Okay.

00:01:37Marc:It had to happen.

00:01:38Marc:I know you are, ma'am.

00:01:39Marc:That was clear with the screaming, and I appreciate that, but we got a great show.

00:01:43Marc:We've got Matt McCarthy here.

00:01:46Marc:Yeah, some Matt McCarthy fans.

00:01:48Marc:We've got the very special Reverend Jen.

00:01:51Marc:I don't know how many of you know Reverend Jen, but that is a real treat.

00:01:56Marc:Reverend Jen is a treat.

00:01:58Marc:We've got Louis Katz.

00:02:00Marc:Louis Katz is a Jew and a treat.

00:02:04Marc:Judah Friedlander will be here, and Jim David.

00:02:07Marc:Judah, yeah, from 30 Rock, and from the Hats and the Sideburns.

00:02:12Marc:And Jim David, who is one of my favorite comedians ever.

00:02:18Marc:I spent the day trying to justify my existence in New York by going to the Guggenheim Museum.

00:02:24Marc:I don't know if I've become too old to effectively appreciate art, or I just really don't give a fuck anymore.

00:02:32Marc:I mean, I'm not judging.

00:02:33Marc:I think it's important.

00:02:34Marc:I sat there.

00:02:36Marc:It's called Haunted.

00:02:38Marc:It's about photography, and there's video, and there's photography, and there's other things with that process.

00:02:44Marc:I can't get all heady about it.

00:02:46Marc:But I did, at the end of the exhibit, there were several screens that had 16-millimeter projectors projecting a video of Merce Cunningham, who I believe was a choreographer.

00:02:56Marc:Am I right, Gabrielle?

00:02:58Marc:Yeah.

00:02:58Marc:who at this time must have been 100 years old, sitting still, performing to John Cage music, which is just sort of like, John Cage music is like... And if you add vocals to that, you get Tom Waits.

00:03:25Please hang on, please hang on, please hang on.

00:03:29Marc:And I tried to appreciate all five screens of Mears Cunningham sitting still at age 100 while noise music was going on.

00:03:37Marc:And I really tried to make myself believe it was important and essential.

00:03:41Marc:And then I realized, like, if you don't know who the fuck that is or understand the context, it's meaningless.

00:03:47Marc:Art should be for the people.

00:03:52Marc:Right?

00:03:53Marc:Fuck yeah.

00:03:55Marc:Like my friend Dima, right?

00:03:56Marc:The guy who did the poster for this show tonight, he made a people's artwork.

00:04:03Marc:And I'm not being a communist, and I did enjoy some of the other artwork.

00:04:07Marc:I don't want to be condescending.

00:04:08Marc:We have Reverend Jen.

00:04:09Marc:Reverend Jen is an art star.

00:04:12Marc:All of us started together on the Lower East Side doing alternative comedy before it was called that.

00:04:17Marc:It was just the Lower East Side.

00:04:19Marc:Those were the days, and I think that's what we can capture here tonight.

00:04:22Marc:These were different types of shows.

00:04:24Marc:There was a show on the Lower East Side where a gentleman named Michael Porter

00:04:27Marc:who you may know as Soy Bomb from the Bob Dylan video.

00:04:30Marc:This guy was genius because he actually took the time to terrorize and make a statement at the Emmys.

00:04:38Marc:Do you remember that?

00:04:39Marc:Where he took his shirt off and he danced around and it said Soy Bomb on it, on his stomach.

00:04:44Marc:But because Michael was who he was, he had no idea what it meant.

00:04:49Marc:He impulsively decided on two words, went on national television, took his shirt off, danced around in an act of sabotage on the Emmys, and did not prepare for interviews afterwards.

00:05:02Marc:People asked him what soy bomb was, and he said, words I chose.

00:05:07Marc:And he had to make up.

00:05:09Marc:A meaning for it.

00:05:11Marc:That type of Dada-ist irresponsible behavior I think is just wonderful.

00:05:16Marc:He was also the guy that on one of the shows at Luna showed up in a Speedo and a hat and took his Prozac bottle out of his pocket, emptied all his Prozacs on the stage, stuck his dick in the empty pill jar, and bowed.

00:05:34LAUGHTER

00:05:36Marc:Those were the days, my friend.

00:05:39Marc:Huh?

00:05:39Marc:Back when art meant things.

00:05:43Marc:Because I can extrapolate meaning, sticking your limp dick in a Prozac bottle.

00:05:48Marc:Can't you?

00:05:49Marc:It says a lot.

00:05:52Marc:Sure it was limp.

00:05:53Marc:I mean, you can't, what do you think, he got it up to fuck a pill jar?

00:05:58Marc:I'm going to have to give you a mic by the end of this show, sir.

00:06:02Marc:Let's read an email, perhaps.

00:06:03Marc:Wait, let me share one more thing.

00:06:06Marc:I've talked about this before, but there's something about New York when it's so hot and everybody's so sweaty and so tired and everybody just looks like they're at the end of their fucking ropes.

00:06:17Marc:Yeah, it's just great.

00:06:19Marc:Everyone looks like they've given up.

00:06:22Marc:I just can't go on.

00:06:24Marc:The last time I was here, I was down on Houston Street, you know, taking in the Whole Foods, you know, saying, like, who let this happen?

00:06:34Marc:I know some of you shop there, and you can go fuck yourselves.

00:06:38Marc:You're not better than other people.

00:06:40Marc:That's all I'm gonna say.

00:06:41Marc:Someday when this city falls, Whole Foods will be occupied by people that are starving.

00:06:47Marc:And you won't be able to get your fancy cheese or your coffees or your salad bar.

00:06:53Marc:There'll just be angry homeless people and they're going, fuck you.

00:07:00Marc:But here's what I saw.

00:07:00Marc:As I looked at the Whole Foods and thought to myself, my God, the soul of New York is dead.

00:07:06Marc:How did this happen?

00:07:07Marc:This used to be shitsville.

00:07:09Marc:You wouldn't come down here unless you needed crack.

00:07:13Marc:Now you come down here for maybe some fancy meat.

00:07:18Marc:And right as I was standing there thinking, like, the soul of New York is dead, I look across the street.

00:07:23Marc:There is a sweaty, angry man with no shirt, just standing there, screaming at the sky.

00:07:31Guest:I will fuck you in the ass.

00:07:34Guest:I will fuck you in the ass.

00:07:38Marc:And I thought to myself, the soul of New York is alive and well and beating in that man.

00:07:45Marc:He was going to fuck the air in the ass.

00:07:48Marc:That's ambitious.

00:07:50Marc:That's visionary.

00:07:52Marc:I defy you to find a Rambo poem that captures something like that so succinctly.

00:07:58Marc:Talk about art.

00:08:00Marc:I will fuck you in the ass pointing up at the heavens.

00:08:08Marc:Thank you.

00:08:09Marc:Podcast.

00:08:12Marc:Speaking of art and alternative atmosphere.

00:08:14Marc:I don't even know if this is true.

00:08:16Marc:The gal that I'm seeing says it isn't, but I'll let you decide because I think parts of it can be.

00:08:24Marc:A flying WTF.

00:08:28Marc:Hey, Maren.

00:08:29Marc:I look when people think that's my first name.

00:08:31Marc:I'll take it from you people.

00:08:33Marc:I guess I refer to myself like that, though, because everyone calls me that.

00:08:36Marc:You know, there's a certain intimacy that you have to have with somebody, but I don't have that anymore because all you guys know me.

00:08:42Marc:If you listen to my podcast, you really fucking know me.

00:08:44Marc:My mother listens to my podcast to figure out what the hell I'm doing.

00:08:48Marc:And when she saw... Do you know I made... I'm not going to talk about it.

00:08:50Marc:I think I talked about it.

00:08:53Marc:So you can call me that.

00:08:54Marc:You can say Maren.

00:08:56Marc:Hi, Maren.

00:08:56Marc:Love your podcast, man.

00:08:58Marc:Here's a WTF that happened just today.

00:09:00Marc:Due to my lazy attitude, I always find myself in summer school.

00:09:07Marc:I guess you can call it that, lazy attitude.

00:09:10Marc:Well, today this girl walks in and pronounces, hey, I'm gonna get fucked up today.

00:09:14Marc:Anyone want some Adderall?

00:09:17Marc:So I say, sure.

00:09:18Marc:And I take it, and the day sped by.

00:09:21Marc:I bet it did.

00:09:25Marc:So here comes the WTF moment.

00:09:27Marc:I have to ride a bike to this school, so I'm on my way home, and I see these crows on a telephone wire.

00:09:33Marc:I stare at them because I'm strangely fascinated with them.

00:09:36Marc:The Adderall.

00:09:40Marc:Okay?

00:09:41Marc:So wait, okay.

00:09:42Marc:Two fly away, so I start moving again.

00:09:45Marc:And then I hear this flapping noise, then a sharp pain on the back of my head.

00:09:49Marc:The fucking crow dive-bombed me in the head.

00:09:54Marc:I yell, what the fuck?

00:09:56Marc:The pain hurt, but the shock of this fucking crow pecking me was what made me yell.

00:10:01Marc:And it chased me for three blocks, pecking me, as I tried to swerve and avoid this feathered fucking devil that seemed intent on killing me.

00:10:10Marc:I turned a corner to try and lose it, and it worked.

00:10:13Marc:I went a whole block without a single peck.

00:10:16Marc:Then I turned another corner.

00:10:18Marc:I see it sitting on a branch.

00:10:23Marc:This guy's in a Hitchcock movie.

00:10:27Marc:I see it sitting on a branch.

00:10:29Marc:It sees me, and I try to turn around, but I drop my bike, and the chain falls off.

00:10:34Marc:Fuck, I now have no escape.

00:10:37Marc:I have to stay and fight.

00:10:45Marc:I take off my backpack and I look for a weapon.

00:10:47Marc:Nothing.

00:10:49Marc:Empty.

00:10:49Marc:So I swing my limp backpack at this crow.

00:10:52Marc:It hits it and it falls to the sidewalk.

00:10:55Marc:I chuckle like a crazed murdering psychopath and then I stomp it into the sidewalk.

00:11:00Marc:I jump on its fragile feathered carcass until no longer even resembled a bird.

00:11:05Marc:I sat there and I took in its death.

00:11:08Marc:Then took in another ten minutes to fix the bike.

00:11:13LAUGHTER

00:11:14Marc:On the way home, I fantasized its trip to bird hell.

00:11:18Marc:Satan in the form of a huge raven going, dude, why the fuck did you even mess with that kid?

00:11:28Marc:Thanks a ton for the show, man.

00:11:29Marc:It keeps me sane in summer school.

00:11:36Marc:Dude, why the fuck did you even mess with that kid?

00:11:49Marc:Drugs and creativity.

00:11:51Marc:After listening to the whole Carlos Mencia and dance cook shit, he put a C in there.

00:11:59Marc:I hope it was an accident.

00:12:00Marc:I kind of like it, though.

00:12:02Marc:Dance cook shit.

00:12:03Marc:I came to the conclusion that drugs are to comedians what steroids are to athletes.

00:12:12Marc:Do you agree?

00:12:13Marc:There is a time and place for all of that.

00:12:17Marc:Yes, I agree for a while, but then no.

00:12:20Marc:My first guest is a very funny gentleman.

00:12:24Marc:You might know him from his AMC show that I forgot.

00:12:30Marc:But you recognize him.

00:12:31Marc:He's a bearded man, and he's here to share some funny with us.

00:12:36Marc:Matt McCarthy, come on out.

00:12:38Thank you.

00:12:44Marc:Hello.

00:12:46Marc:How are you, Matt?

00:12:47Marc:I'm wonderful.

00:12:47Marc:How are you?

00:12:47Marc:What's the name of that fucking show?

00:12:49Guest:Action Packed.

00:12:50Guest:Action Packed.

00:12:51Guest:But that's not what it'll say on your TV guide.

00:12:54Guest:It'll just say whatever wonderfully action-packed movie we're showing.

00:12:58Marc:Oh, so you're just like interstitial entertainment.

00:13:00Marc:Exactly.

00:13:00Marc:Oh, shit.

00:13:02Marc:Mm-hmm.

00:13:02Marc:So it's one of those scenes where people go like, I recognize you from a thing.

00:13:07Marc:What do you do?

00:13:08Marc:And you say, I'm on Action Packed.

00:13:09Marc:And they're like, no, I've never seen that before.

00:13:12Marc:I'm in between movies on AMC.

00:13:14Marc:Oh, fuck, you're that guy.

00:13:18Marc:You get that a lot?

00:13:19Guest:No, I never get that, actually.

00:13:23Marc:Okay, I'm a dick.

00:13:24Guest:People always know me from a cable commercial I'm in.

00:13:27Marc:Yeah, that's the cable one, yeah.

00:13:29Marc:Where the guy gets a good cable and you're the guy going, womp, womp.

00:13:32Guest:Yep, and I'm like, I'm Brand X. Look how sad I make you.

00:13:40Guest:Are you proud?

00:13:43Guest:I'm content.

00:13:48Guest:Okay.

00:13:49Guest:I'll take that.

00:13:50Guest:I'm working on the fulfillment part.

00:13:53Guest:How are you going about that?

00:13:54Guest:Well, this is a big step.

00:13:55Guest:This is a big honor for me.

00:13:57Guest:I have to thank you.

00:13:58Guest:Well, thank you for being here.

00:13:59Guest:I'm happy to be a part of this.

00:14:00Guest:And this, this is something very exciting.

00:14:02Guest:I hope you realize how exciting the show really is.

00:14:05Marc:Oh, well, thank you.

00:14:06Marc:I do realize it's exciting.

00:14:09Marc:Sometimes I do.

00:14:10Marc:Sometimes I don't know what the fuck I'm doing, but I don't know what your process is.

00:14:14Marc:That seems to be my process.

00:14:15Marc:Like, when I'm in self-doubt, I get up, I go, I'm a fucking idiot.

00:14:20Marc:Why do I even bother?

00:14:21Marc:Why did I choose this career?

00:14:23Marc:And then I realize, in a very deep way, there's no turning back, Mark.

00:14:27Marc:So buck up, get on the horse, and cry.

00:14:30Guest:I realized years ago the only way to fail was to quit.

00:14:37Marc:And that's the only choice we have.

00:14:39Marc:No one's going to fire us.

00:14:40Marc:Did you ever think about that?

00:14:41Marc:I've known very... Comics, comedians don't quit.

00:14:45Marc:They just disappear.

00:14:47Marc:It's the weirdest thing.

00:14:48Marc:I've been doing this over 20 years, and you have these moments where you'll see somebody and be like, holy shit!

00:14:55Marc:Where the fuck have you been?

00:14:56Marc:I didn't even know you were alive anymore.

00:14:59Marc:And they are.

00:15:00Marc:Or else they just disappear.

00:15:02Marc:There are some comics, no one knows where they are.

00:15:04Marc:Oh, yeah.

00:15:04Marc:How do you fucking quit?

00:15:06Marc:No one is going to fire you.

00:15:07Marc:I couldn't quit.

00:15:09Guest:They just stop talking to people.

00:15:10Marc:Yeah, yeah.

00:15:11Marc:It's astonishing.

00:15:12Guest:They're like, hey, have you talked to blah, blah, blah?

00:15:13Guest:I'm like, no, is he alive?

00:15:14Marc:Yeah, yeah.

00:15:15Marc:And then when you see him, you're like, oh, fuck, you're still alive.

00:15:17Marc:Yeah.

00:15:18Marc:And then you hope they don't have a sad story.

00:15:19Guest:Well, the funniest part is they'll sometimes hang around shows still.

00:15:25Guest:Oh, no.

00:15:26Guest:And you'll be like, are you going to do a set?

00:15:28Guest:And they're like, no, no.

00:15:31No, man.

00:15:31Guest:You should do some.

00:15:32Guest:You should do some of the old stuff.

00:15:35Marc:Yeah, it's really, you know, I don't know if this, we're getting into sad territory, but I want you to know.

00:15:39Guest:Right out of the gate.

00:15:40Marc:Yeah, no, no, it's okay that, you know, we've chosen this profession and it's okay to feel bad for the clown.

00:15:49Marc:I don't want you people to be sad.

00:15:51Marc:Some people had their run.

00:15:52Marc:They just don't know where to go anymore.

00:15:54Marc:I go to the comedy store.

00:15:55Marc:Do you remember Bob Altman?

00:15:57Marc:Does that name ring a bell to anybody?

00:15:59Marc:He used to do a bit called, like, I'm going to eat a big butt steak.

00:16:02Marc:He used to do the butt steak bit.

00:16:04Marc:He was, like, the butt steak guy, right?

00:16:07Marc:And he used to do a thing.

00:16:07Marc:This is my dad pulling up his pants, like, oh, I'm going to get you.

00:16:10Marc:And he, like, scrambles change and shit.

00:16:13Marc:All I'm saying is he's back doing it.

00:16:15LAUGHTER

00:16:18Marc:And you can either choose to be sad or you can say like, hey, there's Bob.

00:16:22Guest:Does he have t-shirts that say the butt steak is back?

00:16:26Guest:Because I would buy one.

00:16:27Marc:You're a business guy.

00:16:28Guest:But only if it was a long sleeve and it went across like the butt steak is back.

00:16:34Marc:You know what?

00:16:34Marc:You don't mind if I tell that to Bob, do you?

00:16:36Marc:Because I think that might light up his fucking, his little sad face again.

00:16:41Guest:Oh my God, I'd be thrilled.

00:16:42Marc:Will you explain your t-shirt?

00:16:44Guest:It's Obama wearing a Mouseketeer hat.

00:16:47Guest:Which I thought would be an icebreaker.

00:16:50Marc:Well, it's sort of in the middle, and it's, yeah, does it have a significance to you, or is this that he's just another corporate whore that we didn't anticipate that would happen, but it turns out he is?

00:17:01Guest:That was my anticipation.

00:17:02Marc:Okay.

00:17:03Guest:I was shocked that people really, they really went for it this time.

00:17:06Guest:I mean, he seemed like a cool enough guy, but... He's still pretty cool.

00:17:10Marc:And he's got some stuff done.

00:17:11Marc:He got some stuff done.

00:17:13Marc:You know what I mean?

00:17:13Marc:I didn't have insurance, you know, and now everyone's gonna have insurance.

00:17:17Guest:Yeah, but don't we have to pay for it?

00:17:18Guest:Isn't that the deal?

00:17:19Marc:Why do you got to shit on everything?

00:17:25Guest:That's my understanding.

00:17:26Guest:I don't really... I try to avoid politics in general just because I think it's all... But you are wearing a shirt with our president with mouse ears on.

00:17:35Marc:That is not avoiding politics.

00:17:37Marc:That is making politics confusing.

00:17:39Guest:Well, I knew who I was going to talk to tonight.

00:17:44No!

00:17:45Marc:Let's talk about your beginnings in show business and maybe so people give a deeper sense of who you are.

00:17:50Marc:How did you start?

00:17:52Guest:I attribute it to being fed up with my friends telling me to do it.

00:17:57Guest:And that's in everything I've done.

00:17:58Guest:When I started doing stand-up, that was the case.

00:18:00Guest:When I really started performing was when I was the mascot at Fordham University.

00:18:04Guest:Anybody else?

00:18:06Guest:Oh, a lot of you.

00:18:07Marc:So what sweaty head were you stuck in?

00:18:10Guest:I was the ram.

00:18:11Guest:I had a big, big furry.

00:18:13Guest:I was a six-foot ram with hooves and horns, and I couldn't see out of it, and I would step on little kids and not know.

00:18:20Guest:Like, I would see a parent looking down.

00:18:22Guest:I knew that that was a bad sign.

00:18:25Guest:When some dopey yuppie was like, mmm.

00:18:27Guest:I was like, ah, there's a small child.

00:18:29Marc:So you were the scary mascot.

00:18:31Marc:You were like the drunk mascot.

00:18:32Guest:I smelled it.

00:18:33Guest:The equipment manager hated me.

00:18:35Guest:So I smelled something awful.

00:18:38Guest:Awful.

00:18:39Guest:And people would say it to me.

00:18:41Guest:And I would hug them.

00:18:44laughter

00:18:44Guest:It was more fun being the bad guy.

00:18:47Guest:It was more fun being the antagonist as the mascot, I realized.

00:18:50Guest:I guess I realized just in performing in general that's what I like doing.

00:18:54Guest:But when the away team would be there, I would go over to their side and be like, you don't like it, do you?

00:19:01Guest:But I wouldn't.

00:19:01Guest:I would say it with my body.

00:19:02Marc:Yeah.

00:19:03Marc:And everyone else was saying, look at the fucking idiot in the Ram suit.

00:19:08Guest:He smells bad.

00:19:11Guest:The best experience, though, was when we were against St.

00:19:14Guest:John's at Madison Square Garden.

00:19:16Guest:We somehow Fordham won.

00:19:18Guest:Their victory bell has been rusted since the 50s.

00:19:21Guest:And when I went back, and I went nuts.

00:19:23Guest:I was on my game.

00:19:24Guest:I was dancing like a madman.

00:19:25Guest:And when I went back into the backstage area and I took the head off and I was just throwing some water in my face, a Hispanic custodian walks up to me.

00:19:33Guest:and says, damn, that was you dancing in that Ram suit?

00:19:38Guest:You danced so good, I thought you'd be a black kid.

00:19:47Guest:So that was the... The greatest compliment of my life.

00:19:49Guest:Yes, Mark.

00:19:51Marc:Matt McCarthy, ladies and gentlemen.

00:19:55Marc:This woman had a profound influence on me, and I adore her, and she's an art star and a genius.

00:20:01Marc:Please welcome Reverend Jen to the stage.

00:20:04Marc:Hi.

00:20:06Marc:Hi.

00:20:07Marc:Here, sit here.

00:20:09Marc:Look at you.

00:20:12Marc:You always make me happy.

00:20:15Marc:Hello.

00:20:16Marc:Hi, Reverend Jen.

00:20:18Marc:Can I call you Jen?

00:20:20Please call me Rev.

00:20:21Marc:Okay, Rev.

00:20:22Marc:Can I move this towards you?

00:20:23Marc:That'd be wonderful.

00:20:24Marc:You're one of these people like, you know, like Maria Bamford and Janine that I just feel like somehow helping.

00:20:29Guest:That's great.

00:20:31Guest:Can you give me an envelope of money?

00:20:33Marc:Yeah, I can give you an envelope of money.

00:20:35Marc:Do you want to tell everybody about the anniversary?

00:20:38Guest:Sure.

00:20:38Guest:Today is a special day.

00:20:40Guest:It's the eight-year anniversary of my chihuahua and I being together.

00:20:49Marc:And what's the chihuahua's name?

00:20:51Guest:Reverend Jen Jr.

00:20:52Marc:Okay.

00:20:54Guest:Yeah, she is the healthiest relationship I've ever had.

00:20:58Guest:She's obviously not allowed in here because of health codes and things, but she's chilling.

00:21:07Guest:She's like lying around like a beach whale listening to Pink Floyd.

00:21:11Guest:It's all good.

00:21:12Marc:Your chihuahua listens to Pink Floyd?

00:21:14Guest:Yeah, she's very mellow.

00:21:16Marc:And these elf ears are new?

00:21:19Guest:They're brand new.

00:21:20Guest:I got them this afternoon around 2 p.m.

00:21:23Guest:at Halloween Adventure from some surly goth kids.

00:21:30LAUGHTER

00:21:31Marc:That's who works in Halloween Adventure?

00:21:33Guest:Yes.

00:21:34Guest:Yes.

00:21:35Guest:Who else works in Halloween Adventure?

00:21:39Guest:You're like, I get a discount on fangs.

00:21:45Guest:I'll work for $7.25 an hour.

00:21:47Guest:I tried to get a job there.

00:21:50Guest:They wouldn't actually hire me.

00:21:52Guest:Why?

00:21:52Guest:I don't know.

00:21:53Guest:I tried to get a job at Woolworth and Kmart and Halloween Adventure.

00:21:56Guest:I'm not fit for any of them.

00:22:00Guest:What did they think?

00:22:01Guest:They saw me in the elf ears and went, shoplifter.

00:22:06Yeah.

00:22:06Marc:So are you still doing sex advice columns, or does that happen?

00:22:10Guest:Not really.

00:22:11Guest:I used to write a, you know, as you well know, a sex column for Nerve.com that became this book called Live Nude Elf.

00:22:20Guest:which my publishers dropped the option for my next book, so maybe if you buy more copies, they'll change their mind.

00:22:29Guest:But now I write for Penthouse.

00:22:32Guest:It was always a childhood dream.

00:22:34Guest:Actually, it was a childhood dream to write for Playboy, but Penthouse is all right.

00:22:43Marc:What do you write?

00:22:45What?

00:22:45Marc:I always preferred it.

00:22:46Marc:It was dirtier when I was younger.

00:22:48Guest:They showed pubic hair.

00:22:50Marc:Is it still dirty?

00:22:51Marc:Isn't it really dirty now?

00:22:52Guest:It's not dirty.

00:22:53Marc:Aren't there cocks and stuff in there now?

00:22:55Guest:No, there are no cocks.

00:22:56Marc:No cocks?

00:22:57Guest:There was a gun, though.

00:22:58Marc:They had a gun.

00:22:58Marc:I just saw a gun.

00:22:59Guest:Guns.

00:23:00Guest:No cocks.

00:23:01Guest:Not a single cock.

00:23:02Guest:But I want to draw your attention to this playmate who's dazzling and got a lot of lip gloss on.

00:23:09Guest:At one point, she claimed she has an elf ear.

00:23:11Guest:I have to correct you.

00:23:12Guest:They are pets.

00:23:14Guest:Sorry, they're... Oh, thank you.

00:23:16Marc:Thank you, Matt.

00:23:18Guest:They're going to fire me tomorrow.

00:23:20Marc:I'm glad you didn't let that go by.

00:23:22Guest:I'm not kidding that she says she has an elf here.

00:23:24Guest:Oh, yeah.

00:23:27Guest:Favorite vacation spot.

00:23:28Guest:No...

00:23:29Guest:What do you have that other girls don't?

00:23:32Guest:An elf ear.

00:23:33Guest:My left ear is kinda pointy and cute.

00:23:36Guest:I've never been more jealous of anybody in my entire life.

00:23:40Guest:Say it right now.

00:23:42Marc:What did you write for Penthouse?

00:23:43Guest:Well, I wrote, well, my most recent article, which hasn't appeared, is about how these scientists in Austria isolated a compound in semen that has anti-aging properties.

00:23:58Marc:So I should be rubbing it on my face?

00:24:00Guest:Well, no.

00:24:02Guest:No, no, it needs an act of... Because I usually just throw it away when I'm done.

00:24:06Guest:I know, I know.

00:24:07Guest:I brought my notes about it.

00:24:08Marc:So after I finish jerking off, I should just go... Yeah.

00:24:13Guest:Well, no, see... And be proud of it?

00:24:15Guest:I did a lot of research.

00:24:16Guest:Do you have dry or oily skin?

00:24:21Marc:My skin's not dry or oily.

00:24:25Marc:It's just right.

00:24:26Guest:You'll want to use the semen in your T-zone if it's combination.

00:24:32Guest:Um...

00:24:34Guest:No, I mean, I made some notes.

00:24:37Marc:You know what's fucked up about this?

00:24:38Marc:I will do this.

00:24:39Guest:Yeah, no, I know you will.

00:24:41Guest:I want to hear all about it.

00:24:42Guest:I, while researching, heard all about it from like a million people who blogged about apparently drinking semen, putting it on their face, et cetera, et cetera.

00:24:51Guest:All I could think was like, yay, because I can't afford Botox.

00:24:54Yeah.

00:24:56Guest:And I'm turning 38 in three days, so if you want to get me a birthday present... Oh, wait, that didn't come out right.

00:25:05Marc:So, wait, you're saying if you want to get me a birthday present, come on my face?

00:25:08Guest:Yeah, kind of.

00:25:10Guest:No, but here's what I'm saying, basically.

00:25:12Guest:Easy, fella.

00:25:14Guest:Here's what I theorized in my article.

00:25:17Guest:If the secret to longevity is as easy as just taking a load in the face, I actually think the human race is going to die out because no one will ever have vaginal intercourse again.

00:25:34Guest:It's just going to be like, oh, God, I feel so old.

00:25:37Guest:Come on my face.

00:25:39Guest:No one will ever procreate again.

00:25:42Guest:It's my theory.

00:25:44Marc:You still live in the apartment, right, with the troll museum?

00:25:48Guest:No, I had two... So I live in a troll museum.

00:25:51Marc:She has hundreds and hundreds of troll dolls.

00:25:55Marc:Yeah, you can judge, but it's spectacular.

00:25:58Guest:No, now... Like, what do you do?

00:26:00Guest:Now you're just...

00:26:04Marc:What defines you?

00:26:05Marc:Look at this woman.

00:26:06Marc:You're gonna condescend

00:26:10Guest:Yeah, there was silence there.

00:26:11Guest:But now you're making it sound like I just have a lot of trolls.

00:26:15Guest:There are a lot of people who just have a lot of trolls.

00:26:17Guest:Oh, that is true.

00:26:18Guest:They have a troll museum.

00:26:19Guest:Yeah.

00:26:20Marc:Is it open to the public?

00:26:22Guest:Kind of.

00:26:22Guest:As long as you don't have children, you can come and visit.

00:26:27Marc:So they can go, like, if they Facebook you or something?

00:26:29Guest:Yeah, basically revgen.com.

00:26:31Guest:You can find the troll museum.

00:26:33Guest:And you email me, I kind of screen you.

00:26:35Guest:If you appear to be an intellectual without children, you're invited.

00:26:38Guest:Yeah.

00:26:39Marc:What are you afraid of with the kids?

00:26:41Guest:They're annoying.

00:26:42Guest:I'm afraid of being annoyed.

00:26:47Guest:I'm more scared of being annoyed than I am of natural disasters, to be perfectly honest.

00:26:55Guest:Because I just think one more annoyance, I'm fully going to break and end up in the loony bin.

00:27:01Marc:Have you been there before?

00:27:02Guest:I voluntarily went there.

00:27:05Guest:I had my brain... When you volunteer to have your brain scanned and everything else, I did that.

00:27:13Guest:For what?

00:27:14Guest:I spent for six months of free therapy.

00:27:18Guest:I never had therapy before because I couldn't afford it.

00:27:20Marc:Did you go in your ears?

00:27:22Guest:No, because that would have gotten in the way of the PET scan machine.

00:27:25Guest:LAUGHTER

00:27:28Marc:Well, it's certainly great to see you, Rev.

00:27:31Guest:Jen.

00:27:31Guest:Nice to see you.

00:27:31Guest:Thank you.

00:27:32Marc:Reverend Jen, ladies and gentlemen.

00:27:35Marc:This guy's a very funny fucking guy.

00:27:37Marc:He's got great jokes.

00:27:39Marc:He's interesting.

00:27:40Marc:He's a Jew.

00:27:41Marc:I like him.

00:27:42Marc:He's written for projects we did on Break Room.

00:27:47Marc:Louie Katz.

00:27:54Marc:Hi, buddy.

00:27:55Guest:Hey, man, how's it going?

00:27:56Marc:I'm pretty good, man.

00:27:57Marc:How you doing?

00:27:58Guest:I'm great.

00:27:58Marc:Is it okay to be you?

00:28:00Guest:Yeah, it's good.

00:28:01Guest:Today it's been good.

00:28:02Marc:It's hot, but it's good.

00:28:04Marc:I met you in San Francisco, right, originally?

00:28:06Guest:Yeah.

00:28:07Guest:The first time we met, I think I gave you a ride to a show.

00:28:10Marc:And how was that for you?

00:28:12What?

00:28:12Guest:It was pretty cool.

00:28:14Guest:You wanted to stop at a cigar shop.

00:28:15Guest:You were smoking cigars at that time.

00:28:17Guest:I played a... I knew you liked the Stones, so I had the Stones playing, but I don't even like the Stones that much.

00:28:21Guest:It was just a kiss up to you.

00:28:22Guest:I don't like them that much.

00:28:24Marc:Well, that worked, I guess, because I seem to like you, because I've been in many first-ride situations where I've thought, like, that guy's a fucking idiot, and I didn't have that experience with you.

00:28:34Marc:You persist in enabling me to like you.

00:28:37Guest:Oh, well, thanks.

00:28:37Marc:Now be funny.

00:28:39LAUGHTER

00:28:39Guest:jesus christ is that like your nightmare yeah a little bit it's like meeting everyone for the first time i tell them a stand-up be funny you did that to me right now like a relative it's oh that's the fun isn't that the worst when people are like so you're a comedian and then they do that weird beat say something funny yeah yeah yeah like you know like they're taking you in so you do it you're a comedian

00:29:05Marc:And then I've gotten to the point where I'm like, you know, I don't have to fucking appease you.

00:29:11Guest:Do you say that?

00:29:12Guest:I don't have to fucking appease you?

00:29:13Marc:With my face.

00:29:14Guest:Watch.

00:29:16Marc:So you're a comedian.

00:29:21Marc:What do you do?

00:29:23Guest:You say it like that.

00:29:24Guest:You say it that angry?

00:29:25Marc:Sometimes.

00:29:26Marc:Like with the no smoking thing or the no nicotine.

00:29:28Marc:I haven't smoked in a long time.

00:29:29Marc:I can't regulate the tone as much.

00:29:33Marc:You know, I could sort of like, I could say this to you, like, what's up, man?

00:29:39Marc:Right?

00:29:40Marc:And think I just said, how you doing?

00:29:42Marc:You know, that kind of thing.

00:29:43Marc:So did you do a one-man show?

00:29:45Marc:Did I read that?

00:29:46Guest:Yeah, yeah, I just did that in San Francisco.

00:29:48Guest:I just debuted it.

00:29:49Guest:Three nights, sold out.

00:29:50Guest:Really?

00:29:50Guest:Sold out?

00:29:51Guest:Yeah, yeah.

00:29:51Guest:It's a small theater.

00:29:52Guest:It's a very small theater.

00:29:53Guest:Very small theater.

00:29:54Guest:It's sold out.

00:29:55Guest:It's about this big, right here.

00:29:56Guest:Totally sold out.

00:29:58Guest:How many people, seriously?

00:29:59Guest:It was like 75 people a night.

00:30:00Marc:That's good.

00:30:01Marc:And were they most of your friends?

00:30:03Guest:No, the cool thing was, that's an honest question.

00:30:07Guest:You haven't heard of me.

00:30:08Guest:No one's fucking heard of me, right?

00:30:09Guest:Do you all come to see me or you come to see Mark?

00:30:11Guest:No, no one's heard of who I am.

00:30:13Guest:So the cool thing was I was with JB Smooth from... He's funny.

00:30:16Guest:Yeah, he's hilarious.

00:30:17Guest:He's an oddball.

00:30:18Guest:Yeah, he's crazy.

00:30:19Guest:He's really nice, too, though.

00:30:20Guest:He's really cool.

00:30:21Guest:I was with him two weeks before at the Punchline.

00:30:24Guest:Got the mailing list there.

00:30:25Guest:And then when I did it two weeks later, my own show, everyone came out after I featured him there.

00:30:29Guest:So it worked out perfect.

00:30:30Guest:That's cool.

00:30:31Marc:So what's it about this show?

00:30:32Guest:It's called Kicked in the Balls of My Heart.

00:30:35Marc:Kicked in the balls of your heart.

00:30:38Marc:That sounds like something I could relate to.

00:30:40Guest:Yeah, yeah.

00:30:41Guest:It's a lot like you with all these fucked up women situations, except I'm not stupid enough to marry any of them.

00:30:54Marc:You like that, huh?

00:30:57Marc:I really wonder what our relationship is based on sometimes.

00:31:01Marc:My fans get such a thrill when you kick me in the balls.

00:31:05Guest:I know people get a lot of points for coming out here and trashing you.

00:31:08Guest:I have nothing but nice things to say about you.

00:31:09Guest:You've been very nice to me.

00:31:11Marc:I'm glad that they enjoy it because I enjoy hearing that.

00:31:14Marc:I actually like when people do that to me.

00:31:17Marc:Lewis Katz, ladies and gentlemen.

00:31:22Thank you.

00:31:24Marc:So, all right, so why don't you help me out now?

00:31:27Marc:I'm in a relationship.

00:31:29Guest:I have just, don't marry the next one.

00:31:30Guest:That's all I can say, man.

00:31:31Guest:I don't have any advice.

00:31:33Guest:I've made the same mistake, maybe worse mistakes.

00:31:35Guest:I've had horrible... Like what?

00:31:37Guest:Well, there was one time, this wasn't even in the show.

00:31:40Guest:I should have learned my lesson after things on the show.

00:31:42Guest:This was one time I met this girl.

00:31:44Guest:I was in Portland doing shows.

00:31:46Guest:You ever do shows up there?

00:31:47Marc:It's already a great story.

00:31:47Marc:Portland girl's got to be like fucking nuts.

00:31:49Guest:Yeah.

00:31:51Guest:I mean, I do like, it's the one place I still do really weird one-nighters.

00:31:54Guest:Yeah.

00:31:55Guest:Where I don't know if you guys know what one-nighters, it's like a place where there's not, it's not a comedy club, it's just they make comedy be in a place.

00:32:01Guest:Right.

00:32:01Marc:$75, you drive 45 minutes.

00:32:04Guest:Well, I was flying together.

00:32:06Guest:You flew to one-nighters?

00:32:06Guest:Well, I did a string of one-nighters.

00:32:08Guest:There's this guy named Andre Paradise, and he... How can those be bad gigs?

00:32:12Guest:Yeah.

00:32:12Guest:Well, all right.

00:32:14Guest:Well, first of all, he pays.

00:32:15Guest:He pays.

00:32:16Guest:That's the good part.

00:32:16Guest:The bad part is, like, one night, I'm in this place called Club Platinum, which you have to drive two hours through a cornfield to get to Club Platinum, so it's not very platinum.

00:32:28Guest:He sells bootleg DVDs on stage before he brings me up.

00:32:33Guest:There's a stripper pole in the crowd, not even on the stage, so I don't know how that fucking works.

00:32:38Guest:And the credits he gives me are, he says, this is really how he brings me up, he gives me all these credits that I haven't been on, TV shows I haven't been on, then he says, I'm managed by Dave Chappelle, which I didn't know.

00:32:49Guest:What?

00:32:50Guest:Yeah, wait, wait, and, and, I'm Woody Allen's son.

00:32:54Guest:He actually says that on stage.

00:32:59Yeah.

00:32:59Guest:And that's how he gets people to come, because no one knows who the fuck I am.

00:33:01Guest:And afterwards, I have to sign fucking, like, autographs.

00:33:05Guest:Like, you're really his son?

00:33:06Guest:I'm like, yeah, but not from Mia Farrow.

00:33:08Guest:I don't really like to talk about it.

00:33:09Guest:Like, I play it all like that.

00:33:12Guest:You actually played along?

00:33:13Guest:Dude, whatever it takes, I need this gig.

00:33:16Guest:I need people to come and see me.

00:33:18Guest:Who the fuck is going to see me?

00:33:19Guest:No one's heard of it.

00:33:20Guest:So people are like, what's your favorite movie or your father's?

00:33:23Guest:I say we have a bad relationship.

00:33:24Guest:Well, first I'll say Annie Hall, but then I'll say we have a bad relationship.

00:33:27Guest:I know how to play the game.

00:33:28Guest:I don't know how it works.

00:33:31Guest:But the other cool reason I come up there is because I got a buddy named Pedro up there.

00:33:35Guest:Me and Pedro, I go up there to write lyrics with this buddy, my Pedro, because he's a Brazilian dude, a friend of mine.

00:33:42Guest:Right.

00:33:42Guest:And anyway, this was another time, we weren't writing lyrics, we were actually filming a video, and I filmed a video with this, where it's like basically me telling jokes to the camera, and a stripper's doing kind of a lap dance on top of me while I'm telling jokes.

00:33:55Guest:And, uh... What?

00:33:58Guest:What is that?

00:33:58Guest:Thank you.

00:33:59Guest:I think it's kind of a good idea, right?

00:34:01Guest:No?

00:34:01Guest:I liked it.

00:34:02Guest:I don't know.

00:34:03Marc:A good idea for who?

00:34:05Guest:For me, the cool thing about making videos is you want something to happen and then it fucking manifests, man.

00:34:11Guest:I wanted a stripper to give me a lap dance and I sat and she gave me a lap dance all afternoon and I had a product from it and there was jokes and it was funny.

00:34:17Marc:Yeah, how'd that sell, that product?

00:34:19Guest:It's on YouTube, man.

00:34:20Guest:It's big on YouTube.

00:34:21Guest:Is it big?

00:34:22Guest:Talking like eight, nine thousand hits.

00:34:24Guest:It's huge.

00:34:26Guest:And the stripper was nice, whatever.

00:34:28Guest:And then I'm in Atlanta and I get a call from her.

00:34:30Guest:All I did was work with her that day and she's like crying.

00:34:32Guest:And I didn't even talk to her in a few days.

00:34:34Marc:Really a troubled stripper.

00:34:35Guest:Yeah, most of them are kind of...

00:34:38Marc:That is the fucking weirdest part of this story.

00:34:41Marc:Out of nowhere, a crazy stripper calls you crying.

00:34:44Guest:What the fuck, am I right?

00:34:46Marc:Okay, so go.

00:34:48Guest:And she's crying, and I talk to her, and she's like, I'm like, what's wrong?

00:34:52Guest:I can tell somebody's wrong.

00:34:53Guest:She's like, I just quit heroin.

00:34:58Guest:For the eighth time.

00:34:59Marc:And you're her go-to guy for this.

00:35:02Guest:I don't know why.

00:35:03Guest:We just met the other day.

00:35:04Marc:I got an idea.

00:35:05Marc:Money.

00:35:06Money.

00:35:06Guest:What money?

00:35:07Guest:I'm playing at Club Platinum.

00:35:09Guest:I'm sleeping on my friend's fucking floor.

00:35:10Guest:What are you talking about?

00:35:11Guest:All right, so how does it play out?

00:35:13Guest:So I was actually going back to Portland a few days after that.

00:35:17Guest:So this is a romance.

00:35:19Guest:We set up a date for that Monday.

00:35:20Guest:I was sold.

00:35:21Guest:Quit heroin for any time.

00:35:22Guest:Let's do this.

00:35:24Guest:I can fill your god hole.

00:35:27Guest:And we go to meet up, and it's kind of weird, small talk and stuff like that, and I'm trying to break the ice.

00:35:37Guest:I'm like, how was your day?

00:35:38Guest:What did you do today?

00:35:39Guest:And she says, oh, I spent all day icing down my pussy after all the fucking that I did.

00:35:47Guest:Which is...

00:35:49Guest:I don't know.

00:35:50Guest:Have you ever heard something that's so dirty it becomes unattractive in a way?

00:35:53Guest:It's like, it's kind of hot and kind of makes me want to run away.

00:35:56Guest:And I'm like, oh, that's cool.

00:35:59Guest:And then I... I wrote in a Starbucks.

00:36:05Guest:You know, I go...

00:36:05Guest:and uh we go in the room we're making out a little bit and i look over and i and i said is that the ice pack she's like yeah that's the ice pack and it was sitting there it's that blue gel shit you know what i mean the kind of shit you got to save they can freeze and save yeah she had that and then when i saw the ice pack it became too real and i was like fuck it you know we're making i'm like i don't feel good she's like i don't feel good i'm like all right i'm gonna go

00:36:28Guest:Yeah.

00:36:28Guest:So then I'm in Portland, and then my buddy Pedro actually leaves town.

00:36:32Guest:He goes back to Brazil.

00:36:33Guest:And then I'm in Portland by myself, which Portland's cool for a couple days.

00:36:36Guest:Yeah, but that's weird.

00:36:38Guest:Yeah, what the fuck?

00:36:38Guest:Yeah.

00:36:39Guest:And I'm trying to call her.

00:36:40Guest:Her phone's not working.

00:36:41Guest:And I'm in Portland.

00:36:42Guest:I'm bored.

00:36:43Guest:I'm depressed.

00:36:43Guest:I can't reach her.

00:36:44Guest:And the only thing that's saving me is at the end of the week, Attell is going to be there.

00:36:48Guest:Yeah.

00:36:48Guest:And he's headlining a theater.

00:36:49Guest:Thank God.

00:36:50Guest:So I go to see him.

00:36:51Guest:He lets me in for free, lets me backstage.

00:36:53Guest:It's awesome.

00:36:54Guest:Kelly Price, who's really funny, is opening for him.

00:36:56Guest:And afterwards, he takes us all out to dinner.

00:36:58Guest:To tell, besides being super funny, super generous, he buys this amazing steak dinner, all these fucking sides.

00:37:02Guest:And I've been eating on a budget.

00:37:03Guest:I'm making that club platinum money, so I've been eating cereal every day.

00:37:06Guest:So I'm fucking eating all the sides and going crazy on the steak after not eating for a whole week.

00:37:11Guest:And then all of us decide, he's like, I want to see some strip clubs.

00:37:13Guest:I'm like, well, I know all the strip clubs now.

00:37:14Guest:I'll take you around.

00:37:16Guest:And on the way to the strip club, I'm like, I'm not feeling... If you ever, like, kind of don't eat a lot for a while, and then you see a lot of free food and you eat a lot, it's like, oh, fuck, you know?

00:37:25Guest:Lucky Portland's, like, right on a river, so I'm, like, farting and no one's noticing, you know what I mean?

00:37:28Guest:But I'm like, oh, fuck, I don't feel good.

00:37:31Guest:And we go to the strip club.

00:37:32Guest:I walk in with Attell and Kelly Price and her sister.

00:37:34Guest:And I walk in, and who's there but the stripper I met earlier?

00:37:37Guest:She basically gets up almost from the middle of a lap dance, butt naked, and runs and gives me a big hug.

00:37:42Guest:I'm like, how cool is this?

00:37:43Guest:This looks super cool.

00:37:45Guest:And like, I introduced her to Attell and Kelly, and then I'm like, oh, wait a second, I gotta go to the bath, I just wanna go to the bathroom, I just wanna check, do kinda like a rewipe, you know what I mean, just to check, to see, because I don't know if it was sweat or like what, it was just kinda, it was a little, you know, so I went in there to check, I do the rewipe,

00:38:03Guest:I'm good.

00:38:05Guest:And as soon as I step out of the bathroom, the security guard's like, you and all your friends gotta go.

00:38:12Guest:So they kick me, Attell, Kelly Price, all of us out of the strip club.

00:38:16Guest:Apparently what he thought was, because I was doing the re-wipe standing up, it looked like I was doing coke.

00:38:21Guest:Like I was just in the stall to do coke.

00:38:23Guest:And I didn't know that until we got kicked out.

00:38:24Guest:I couldn't be like, I was just wiping my ass.

00:38:26Guest:I ate too much steak and sides.

00:38:28Guest:I couldn't tell them that.

00:38:30Guest:But then luckily, apparently the stripper told Kelly and Dave that she wanted to join us.

00:38:36Guest:So then she gets dressed real quick and she comes out.

00:38:38Guest:So now I'm showing a tell around to strip clubs with my own stripper in tow.

00:38:42Guest:You know, it's fucking like awesome.

00:38:44Guest:And at first the stripper wants to go to this dance club.

00:38:47Guest:Yeah.

00:38:47Guest:And like also I'm talking to her.

00:38:48Guest:It's cool.

00:38:48Guest:I'm fucking at a strip club.

00:38:49Guest:And then I'm like, oh, I got to drop this right now.

00:38:51Guest:I got to go to the bathroom.

00:38:52Guest:So I rush the bathroom.

00:38:53Guest:It's a club with like a one.

00:38:54Guest:There's only one unisex bathroom.

00:38:55Guest:I'm in there.

00:38:56Guest:fucking blow it up.

00:38:57Guest:Like, I just tear it up.

00:38:58Guest:There's people, like, banging on the door.

00:39:00Guest:Like, banging on the door.

00:39:01Guest:I'm just like, fucking fuck it.

00:39:03Guest:I just gotta do this.

00:39:04Guest:I come out.

00:39:05Guest:There's literally a line of ten hot girls waiting there.

00:39:09Guest:Like, literally ten.

00:39:10Guest:That's a nightmare.

00:39:11Guest:I say to one of the girls, I'm like, I wouldn't be in such a rush to get in there if I was you.

00:39:14Guest:I said to one of the girls.

00:39:16Guest:I get out.

00:39:17Guest:Attell's like, look, I got an early gig tomorrow.

00:39:20Guest:We got to go.

00:39:20Guest:So Attell goes home with Kelly, and then I'm like, all right, I'm still with the stripper.

00:39:24Guest:I'm like, oh, so you want to hang out?

00:39:25Guest:And she's like, I think I'm going to go back and try and make some more money.

00:39:28Guest:And then she left, and then I went back to sleep on the floor of my friend's apartment, and I was in bed before 11.

00:39:35Guest:And then I woke up the next morning to get a phone call that my grandma died.

00:39:44LAUGHTER

00:39:44Guest:And I'd like to think that it was my grandma's last effort was to reach up the coast and give me this horrible stomach problems so I wouldn't fuck the stripper.

00:39:54Guest:But joke's on you, Grandma.

00:39:55Guest:I'm still in touch with her on Facebook.

00:39:59Guest:Louis Katz, ladies and gentlemen.

00:40:03Marc:My next guest you know from 30 Rock and you know from hats and hair and his general essence.

00:40:10Marc:Please welcome Judah Friedlander to the stage.

00:40:14Thank you.

00:40:20Marc:World champion, Judah Friedlander.

00:40:23Marc:Look at this fucking guy.

00:40:25Marc:Look at you, man.

00:40:26Guest:What's up, man?

00:40:27Marc:How you doing?

00:40:28Guest:I'm good.

00:40:29Guest:I can't stay that long.

00:40:30Guest:I got to get to do some one-nighters in Portland, so I can't stay that long.

00:40:34Guest:I just got a few minutes, man.

00:40:36Marc:When you go out now, though, do people know you?

00:40:38Marc:Do they come in to see you?

00:40:39Marc:Are they excited to see the world champion?

00:40:41Guest:Do they know the real me?

00:40:43Guest:I'm a little... Yeah, yeah, no.

00:40:46Guest:Do I get recognized?

00:40:46Marc:Yes.

00:40:47Marc:You do?

00:40:48Marc:Yes.

00:40:48Marc:And what do people say?

00:40:50Marc:All kinds of shit.

00:40:52Marc:For instance?

00:40:53Guest:What's up, champ?

00:40:57Guest:What's up?

00:41:00Guest:Hey, Jonah Hill, good to meet you.

00:41:04Guest:This is a good one.

00:41:05Guest:This is my best getting recognized incorrectly.

00:41:08Guest:I'm going to the Emmys two years ago.

00:41:12Guest:Security, it's fucking chaos.

00:41:13Guest:People everywhere.

00:41:15Guest:Security guy stops me.

00:41:16Guest:And he's like, dude, dude.

00:41:19Guest:I just want to say, man, I'm a huge fan of yours, man.

00:41:23Guest:I love Lord of the Rings.

00:41:27Guest:And I'm like... I'm like, uh... I'm not in Lord of the Rings.

00:41:34Guest:And he's like, oh, fuck, I thought you directed that.

00:41:39Guest:And I'm like, oh, okay.

00:41:42Guest:And then one time I'm walking through Washington Square Park last night, and some drunk fucking Wall Street dude wouldn't have beat me up because he thought I was Michael Moore.

00:41:50LAUGHTER

00:41:50Guest:He's like, you fucking left-wing motherfucker, man.

00:41:54Guest:I'm like, dude, I don't know what the fuck you're talking about.

00:41:58Guest:Did you say I'm the world champion?

00:41:59Guest:Can't remember what I said to him.

00:42:04Guest:I've known you a long time.

00:42:05Guest:This is the first time we've ever talked to each other using microphones, by the way.

00:42:10Guest:And this is probably the closest we've ever talked to each other.

00:42:12Marc:The only time we've ever talked was in a car.

00:42:14Guest:I've known you probably 17 years.

00:42:15Marc:Yeah.

00:42:16Marc:And that happens a lot on the show, but I have no beef with you.

00:42:18Guest:I have no beef with you.

00:42:19Guest:I'm a big fan of yours.

00:42:20Guest:I tell people all the time, you're the fucking man and check your shit out.

00:42:25Guest:Thank you.

00:42:25Guest:I just told a hot chick on Facebook in Hungary to check you out.

00:42:30Marc:That's all I need.

00:42:32Marc:I'm sure I'll get a Facebook message from her requiring me to marry her.

00:42:36Guest:No, she's cool.

00:42:37Guest:She goes out with some rock star Hungarian dude.

00:42:39Guest:Oh, okay.

00:42:40Guest:Okay.

00:42:40Guest:No, but she was looking at some comedians.

00:42:43Guest:I can't remember who it was.

00:42:44Guest:It was a British comedian.

00:42:46Guest:I don't know if the... And then she was saying, oh, they're so good.

00:42:49Guest:And I looked at them.

00:42:50Guest:I'm like, it's fucking terrible.

00:42:52Guest:And she's like, yeah, but they're political.

00:42:54Guest:I'm like, social commentary.

00:42:55Guest:I'm like, look at Mark Merritt.

00:42:57Guest:Look at that.

00:42:58Guest:And then that'll be a good fucking show.

00:43:01Guest:Did she get back to you?

00:43:02Guest:She loved it, yeah.

00:43:03Guest:Oh, good.

00:43:03Guest:All right, so I got a fan in Hungary.

00:43:05Guest:Yep.

00:43:06Guest:That's what I do, man.

00:43:07Guest:I try to increase your audience fan base in Hungary one hot chick at a time.

00:43:15Guest:Have you been overseas?

00:43:17Guest:No.

00:43:17Guest:Okay.

00:43:17Guest:I'm American.

00:43:18Guest:All right.

00:43:21Guest:The world champion is American.

00:43:25Guest:Overseas people come to me.

00:43:26Marc:I think the last time we talked for real was in a car driving in your van with your brother.

00:43:34Marc:Is that possible?

00:43:35No.

00:43:35Guest:I don't remember my brother being there, but I remember, I think I gave you a lift from the West End Gate, which was this comedy room on Fridays and Saturdays, right up by Columbia, downtown.

00:43:49Guest:You just had a fucking, you had a really good set.

00:43:52Guest:And I remember you were like, that was a hot set.

00:43:54Guest:And I'm like, yep.

00:43:57Marc:But that was before the world champion.

00:43:59Guest:That was pre-world champion, yeah.

00:44:01Guest:I was still in training.

00:44:02Marc:Yeah.

00:44:02Guest:Still in training.

00:44:04Marc:How did this evolve, Jude?

00:44:06Marc:Because this is a big thing for you.

00:44:08Guest:Straight up?

00:44:09Guest:I play off the crowd a lot.

00:44:12Guest:It seems like years ago, I started in 89, and it seemed like everybody, and still today it's mostly that way, but every comic would try to bond with the audience.

00:44:23Guest:It'd be like, hey, you ever go here?

00:44:25Guest:Hey, me too.

00:44:26Guest:And try to make this connection.

00:44:27Guest:And I decided to go the opposite fucking way.

00:44:30Guest:I don't have to bond with people.

00:44:32Guest:I didn't bond with them by doing the opposite.

00:44:34Guest:of bonding and it started where I used to do this one you know because I do I do several shows a night I do a lot of shows yeah pretty much every night yeah I try to do you know two to five shows a night every night right and so some of the shows I would go to I would go to this one room and it was called Hamburger Harry's sure on 45th Street by Times Square you remember that Matt yeah

00:44:55Guest:So I used to go there.

00:44:57Guest:Yeah, Gladys used to run it.

00:44:59Guest:And I used to go there and just do nothing, no jokes from my act.

00:45:05Guest:Just go there and just work the crowd.

00:45:07Guest:And I decided to take that angle of not bonding with the crowd, of acting like I'm better than the crowd.

00:45:14Guest:And then one of the ways, because one thing about New York, especially tourists, you can be the toughest fucking guy wherever you're from.

00:45:23Guest:You come to New York and you just turn into a pussy looking at big buildings and you're lost and you're getting confused.

00:45:29Guest:So it was like an opportunity to really be so much better than everybody and just fuck with people.

00:45:35Guest:And then it goes back even to my childhood, because when I was a little kid, I was obsessed with world records.

00:45:41Guest:and breaking world records.

00:45:43Guest:When I was eight years old, you know, I wanted to break the pogo stick record.

00:45:46Guest:And I remember being eight years old and on the street, and I have a pogo stick, and I went an hour straight without missing, not falling off.

00:45:54Guest:And then I think the record was like eight hours, and I was like, fuck this.

00:45:58Guest:This is too boring.

00:46:00Guest:I could do it.

00:46:01Guest:I proved it.

00:46:02Guest:I did an hour straight.

00:46:03Guest:But fuck it.

00:46:04Guest:I want to watch this $6 million man, you know?

00:46:08Guest:and then so so it kind of came from those two kind of angles and then you know i i make all my own clothes i i never understood wearing clothes paying money and then you wear a shirt that says adidas so you're advertising for them and you're paying them it's like they should be paying you to wear their label if you're advertising so i decided to make my own and i come from an art background and stuff so i started making my own and

00:46:33Guest:and then uh same time years ago i don't know this is 10 12 15 years ago i started doing different jokes about breaking world records right and i made my own hat that said record breaker and then one day i thought it would be funny if i uh came up with made a hat that said world champion but but not of what you know so it's like a really shitty bragger basically

00:46:55Guest:You know, a guy who's like, hey, he's a world champion, and not his what.

00:46:59Guest:And then the fact that it doesn't say of what, and since I like doing a lot of crowd work, it immediately draws the audience in saying, well, what the fuck are you world champion of?

00:47:09Guest:You know, so it kind of, because I view comedy more as a dialogue than a monologue or a combination of both.

00:47:15Guest:Right.

00:47:15Guest:So it was sort of a planned thing, sort of not a planned thing.

00:47:19Guest:And, you know, it's something that's still evolving.

00:47:21Guest:And, you know, I probably just world champion, I don't know, probably eight, nine, eight, nine years, 10 years.

00:47:30Guest:But it's always changing.

00:47:31Marc:What do you think?

00:47:33Marc:What's next for the world champions?

00:47:35Guest:Well, recently it's been more about karate.

00:47:38Guest:I've been talking about karate.

00:47:40Guest:And I have my own instructional karate book coming out.

00:47:44Guest:No.

00:47:45Guest:Yes, I do.

00:47:47Guest:It's called How to Beat Up Anybody.

00:47:50Guest:And I'll teach you how to beat up anybody.

00:47:53Guest:Dinosaurs, ninjas, Bigfoots.

00:47:57Marc:Holy shit.

00:47:58Marc:Do you know karate?

00:47:59Guest:Of course I do.

00:48:00Guest:I'm the world fucking champion.

00:48:02Okay.

00:48:02Guest:I didn't have no idea.

00:48:05Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:48:05Guest:I learned it when I was 13.

00:48:08Guest:I was in federal prison in China for a crime I didn't commit.

00:48:13Guest:That's where I picked shit up.

00:48:16Guest:Then it's also been working more on October 5th in stores, How to Beat Up Anybody.

00:48:23Guest:Check it out.

00:48:23Guest:Online now for pre-order.

00:48:25Marc:judith friedlander the world champion my friend mike weiss he worked on a lot right here right over here right over here he looks like he'd be your friend yeah yeah i'm so glad your friends match you that's what that's how it fucking works mark you've known him a long time right yes how long since 89 so tell me about this 30 rock thing you're doing what's that tell me about this 30 rock show

00:48:51Guest:30 Rock, well, it's kind of like, you know, it's a job and it's a show and it's fun.

00:48:56Marc:You having a good time?

00:48:57Guest:Yeah, for the most part.

00:48:58Guest:And you just got cast on it?

00:49:01Guest:But, you know, I never wanted to do a sitcom.

00:49:03Guest:Right.

00:49:04Guest:I avoided sitcoms for years.

00:49:07Guest:You know, I've been doing stand-up comedy since,

00:49:10Guest:1989.

00:49:11Guest:But you did a lot of independent film.

00:49:12Guest:I've done about 25, 30 movies, which I like.

00:49:15Guest:You know, you usually work anywhere from one day to two months.

00:49:19Guest:You're in, you're out, you have an exit plan.

00:49:20Guest:I didn't even know that was you in the restaurant.

00:49:22Marc:I was in the restaurant.

00:49:23Marc:I know, but I didn't even know it was you and I saw that movie like three times and you didn't have the world champion hat.

00:49:27Guest:That's what I was trying to do.

00:49:28Guest:That's called acting.

00:49:30Guest:i'm not playing myself i'm playing a character i didn't want anybody to know it's me i guess i you know walked right into that the role yeah just you i walked right into that yeah that was a great experience doing that movie yeah to work with uh mickey mickey it was weird i'm a huge fan of his and i did two days on that movie and i play an old friend of his we're old buddies

00:49:55Guest:And I did two days.

00:49:58Guest:Each day was about two weeks apart.

00:50:00Guest:And both days, I don't know if he ever knew who I was or who my character was.

00:50:09Guest:I don't think he had any fucking idea what was going on at all.

00:50:12Guest:But he's awesome in the movie.

00:50:15Guest:And I think he's the best physical actor I've ever worked with.

00:50:20Guest:What made you think that he didn't know what was going on?

00:50:22Guest:Dude, it's pretty fucking obvious he didn't know what was going on.

00:50:27Guest:It was pretty obvious.

00:50:29Guest:But he's brilliant in the movie.

00:50:31Guest:That's the thing with acting.

00:50:32Guest:Sometimes it's better to not overanalyze things.

00:50:38Guest:Just fucking show up and be real.

00:50:40Marc:I know.

00:50:41Marc:I do that in my life.

00:50:44Marc:Me too.

00:50:45Marc:I know.

00:50:45Marc:But I don't have a hat.

00:50:48Yeah.

00:50:49Guest:I can make you one, Mark.

00:50:51Guest:Thank you.

00:50:51Guest:What would it say?

00:50:54Guest:I got to think about that, Mark.

00:50:56Guest:I got to think about that, man.

00:50:58Marc:I'm so glad you're doing well, though.

00:51:00Marc:I've known you a long time, and you've stuck by your guns.

00:51:04Guest:Thanks, man.

00:51:05Guest:It's not easy.

00:51:05Guest:People are always yelling at you to change your shit.

00:51:08Guest:I remember people for years going, you'll never get on Friends with long hair.

00:51:12Guest:And I'm like, I don't want to fucking get on Friends.

00:51:15Guest:They're like, you'll never get a job wearing glasses, wearing a hat.

00:51:19Guest:And then those same fucking people five years later are like, hey, where do you get your hats, man?

00:51:25Marc:Well, you got a good gig because it's a smart sitcom.

00:51:28Marc:People respect it.

00:51:29Guest:Doing 30 Rock's great.

00:51:30Guest:No complaints at all.

00:51:31Guest:The only thing that's weird for me is that commitment factor.

00:51:35Guest:You sign a six-year contract.

00:51:38Marc:Right, to make money.

00:51:39Guest:And then you don't know...

00:51:41Guest:Yeah, but it's different.

00:51:43Guest:It's kind of like going back to school.

00:51:45Marc:Except you get paid.

00:51:47Marc:Yep, you do get paid.

00:51:48Marc:There's a big difference.

00:51:50Guest:It's NBC.

00:51:50Guest:They don't pay what they fucking used to pay.

00:51:52Marc:Oh, now you're going to complain?

00:51:53Guest:No, I'm not complaining.

00:51:54Guest:I'm just letting you know.

00:51:55Guest:I'm trying to make you feel a little better, man.

00:51:58Guest:You're fucking whining over here.

00:52:00Guest:You're whining over here.

00:52:02Guest:You get paid.

00:52:03Guest:You get this.

00:52:05Guest:You get paid.

00:52:05Guest:You make fucking money.

00:52:06Guest:All right, all right, all right.

00:52:08Guest:You have an awesome fucking career, man.

00:52:13Guest:I don't like to call anyone the best at anything.

00:52:16Guest:Except yourself.

00:52:17Guest:No, no, well, I'm the world champion.

00:52:20It's true.

00:52:20Guest:But seriously, for political, social commentary, you know, you're the fucking best.

00:52:26Guest:You know, there's a few guys up there.

00:52:29Guest:I'm not going to say one guy's better than another guy, but you're the fucking man.

00:52:34Marc:Well, thank you very much.

00:52:34Marc:And I always tell people that.

00:52:35Marc:And I'm very happy that you're doing well.

00:52:37Marc:Judah Friedlander.

00:52:38Marc:Thank you.

00:52:40Marc:Worldchampionoftheworld.com.

00:52:42Guest:Check it out.

00:52:43Marc:Worldchampionoftheworld.com.

00:52:44Marc:Keep it going for these four.

00:52:45Marc:And I'm going to bring out Jim David by himself so you guys can go back.

00:52:51Marc:Don't get lost.

00:52:53Marc:Judith Friedlander, Louis Katz, Reverend Jen, Matt McCarthy.

00:52:56Marc:Thank you, guys.

00:52:59Marc:I'm glad you guys are still here, because this next guy is a treat, and he's always fucking hilarious, and I've known him 25 years.

00:53:08Marc:So please, ladies and gentlemen, welcome with me a veteran.

00:53:10Marc:Can I call you that?

00:53:12Marc:Yeah, sure.

00:53:12Marc:All right.

00:53:13Marc:Jim David, ladies and gentlemen.

00:53:14Thank you.

00:53:17Marc:Hi, Jim.

00:53:19Marc:How are you?

00:53:19Marc:I'm good.

00:53:20Marc:How are you?

00:53:21Guest:That was really funny.

00:53:22Guest:I can't get Louie's story about the movements that he took out of my head.

00:53:30Marc:The shitting?

00:53:31Guest:The shitting.

00:53:31Guest:I cannot, it's like, I can smell it.

00:53:34Guest:It's so graphic.

00:53:35Guest:Don't you feel like that?

00:53:37Guest:See, because I come from a family in North Carolina where all they talked about was their movements.

00:53:42Guest:I mean, like my grandparents would say, did you have a movement?

00:53:44Guest:Did you have a movement?

00:53:45Guest:Have your bowels moved?

00:53:47Guest:Have they moved?

00:53:48Guest:Did you have a movement?

00:53:50Marc:That's all they talked about?

00:53:52Marc:Huh?

00:53:52Marc:That's all they talked about?

00:53:53Guest:Well, my grandfather would sit down at the table and he'd say, did you ever have a movement where you know that today's going to be a better day than yesterday?

00:54:02Laughter

00:54:02Guest:He would.

00:54:04Guest:Yeah, and so he was talking about these movements, and I'm just like, and the stripper thing reminded me of being in Bangkok.

00:54:11Marc:Whoa, whoa, whoa.

00:54:12Marc:You went to Bangkok?

00:54:13Guest:I was in Bangkok, Thailand, in April, and I saw a woman shoot ping-pong balls out of her pussy.

00:54:19Marc:Now, you can tell by the way he says pussy that it was not his thing.

00:54:23Guest:No.

00:54:25Guest:No, no, no.

00:54:25Guest:It was the closest I've been to a pussy in 30 years.

00:54:29LAUGHTER

00:54:29Guest:But have you heard of this?

00:54:32Marc:I didn't know it was real.

00:54:33Marc:Did you know it was real, though?

00:54:33Marc:I'd always heard of it.

00:54:35Guest:Did you know it was real?

00:54:36Guest:Well, we were in Bangkok, and my friend said, we have to go see the ping pong.

00:54:41Guest:Oh, boy.

00:54:41Guest:And I said, I don't want to see the... And they said, look, you're in Bangkok.

00:54:45Guest:If you were in New York, you'd go to the Empire State Building.

00:54:49Guest:You know, if you were in Arizona, you'd go to the Grand Canyon.

00:54:55Guest:You're in Bangkok.

00:54:56Guest:You have to see the woman shoot ping pong balls out of her pussy.

00:54:58Marc:Jim David goes to see a woman.

00:55:00Guest:And so we went and the club looked like this room if there was a fire.

00:55:09Guest:I mean, it was with Christmas lights.

00:55:11Guest:Yeah, yeah.

00:55:11Guest:I mean, it was the sleaziest fucking place you have ever seen.

00:55:15Guest:And I thought, I have just entered Dante's ninth circle of hell.

00:55:20Guest:And I go in there.

00:55:21Marc:The ping pong circle.

00:55:22Marc:Huh?

00:55:22Marc:The ping pong circle.

00:55:23Guest:The ping pong circle.

00:55:25Guest:And I go in there and there's, I mean, comedians, see, this is what's the funniest thing.

00:55:29Guest:Louis reminded me, we all have some strip club story.

00:55:33Marc:Yeah.

00:55:33Guest:Yeah.

00:55:33Guest:Because we go on the road all the time, you know what I mean?

00:55:37Guest:And we're always gone.

00:55:38Guest:And so there's nothing to do but go to strip clubs or something.

00:55:43Marc:I don't go that often.

00:55:44Marc:But I mean, I've been to a couple.

00:55:45Marc:Well, you've been married twice, so, you know.

00:55:49Marc:It's so hackneyed, but I can't go to strip clubs because I end up believing one of them.

00:55:54LAUGHTER

00:55:54Marc:like i will open my i and even though i know it's a hackneyed idea but it always fucking happens i know it's just their job and i i know that like that if they're good you're supposed to believe them but i really end up sort of like thinking that i've gotten through and that and that that i'm wanted and needed by no and you sit there and you go maybe i'm more attractive than i thought sure

00:56:19Guest:Yeah, yeah.

00:56:20Guest:It's like, this is their job, you know what I mean?

00:56:23Marc:I'm trying to picture you looking at a vagina with a ping pong ball in it.

00:56:27Guest:No, but that was the climax.

00:56:29Guest:That was the climax of the show.

00:56:32Guest:The first part of the show was this... Well, see, there were all these Thai girls, and they had bikini bottoms, and they were topless, and they were all dancing around and looking at the audience.

00:56:41Guest:There were like 20 guys in the audience, you know?

00:56:44Guest:And then...

00:56:45Guest:Then there was one of them who was shaped sort of like a refrigerator.

00:56:51Guest:And she had clearly seen better days.

00:56:54Guest:And she came out and she put this tube, this like, you know, like a blow, what do you call it?

00:57:01Guest:A straw.

00:57:02Guest:A straw, a big thick straw up her pussy.

00:57:07Guest:And then they brought out a birthday cake with like eight candles.

00:57:11Guest:I swear.

00:57:12Guest:Can I just say this?

00:57:13Guest:I'm not making this shit up.

00:57:15Guest:You always think comedians are making this up.

00:57:17Guest:I swear on the lives of everybody in here, as well as all of your children and all of your relatives, that this happened.

00:57:24Guest:She went up with the tube and went...

00:57:27Guest:and blew out each candle with her pussy.

00:57:32Guest:Swear to God.

00:57:34Marc:I love that you're telling this story.

00:57:36Guest:Then she gets another tube and puts it up there, and they bring out balloons, and they give balloons to everybody in the audience, and she shoots darts out of it, and she had aim.

00:57:50Guest:I mean, she made it.

00:57:52Guest:You know, like the darts went bang, and the balloons went...

00:57:56Guest:And then when they brought out the ping pong... At this point, we were all fucking drunk, you know what I mean?

00:58:01Guest:Because they kept serving us drinks that were... It's cheap in Thailand.

00:58:05Marc:You ever been?

00:58:06Guest:It's like a dollar a drink.

00:58:08Guest:It's really ridiculous.

00:58:09Guest:But anyway, so they brought out the ping pong balls and we went, oh, here it goes.

00:58:13Guest:But first, they passed out paddles to everybody in the audience.

00:58:18Guest:They passed out paddles.

00:58:19Guest:So we all had paddles.

00:58:21Guest:So she would put the ping pong ball up her pussy and it was almost like you could hear the drum roll.

00:58:28Guest:Even though there wasn't a drum roll, you could hear it.

00:58:30Guest:You know what I mean?

00:58:31Guest:It was like... And then she went out like that.

00:58:35Guest:That was the noise.

00:58:37Guest:Like, right?

00:58:38Guest:And then everybody in the audience is sitting there going...

00:58:43Guest:I swear to God, this is not a bit from my act.

00:58:46Guest:It's totally true.

00:58:47Guest:I mean, we're all sitting there like that.

00:58:49Guest:Wah!

00:58:50Guest:And then, right, she aims one at me, and it ended up hitting me right in the face.

00:59:00Guest:And I thought, this is the closest I have been to a vagina in 30 years.

00:59:06Guest:But it was an amazing and horrifying and weird experience.

00:59:11Marc:I love the way you tell this story because as a gay person, do vaginas do anything for you?

00:59:19Marc:No.

00:59:20No.

00:59:21Guest:I don't ever think about them.

00:59:22Guest:You know what I mean?

00:59:23Guest:I don't know.

00:59:24Guest:No, they don't.

00:59:25Guest:They do not.

00:59:26Guest:Vaginas do not cross my mind at any point during the day.

00:59:30Guest:And that's what people don't understand.

00:59:32Guest:It's like, well, don't you sort of think about it?

00:59:35Guest:No, never.

00:59:35Guest:I don't fucking think about it.

00:59:37Guest:And haven't for 30 until I saw this.

00:59:40Guest:And not only that, here's the funny thing.

00:59:41Marc:What happened 30 years ago?

00:59:42Guest:I was with three.

00:59:44Guest:I fucked a woman.

00:59:47I fucked a woman.

00:59:47Guest:What do you mean what happened 30 years ago?

00:59:49Guest:That must have been some bad pussy.

00:59:51Guest:No, it was okay, but it was... She's still a good friend.

00:59:54Marc:Okay.

00:59:55Marc:So it was more of an experiment?

00:59:57Guest:Yeah, we were both a little high.

00:59:59Guest:And so we did it.

01:00:01Guest:And it was like, well, you know.

01:00:03Guest:It was just sort of like, eh.

01:00:04Guest:Yeah.

01:00:05Guest:It was sort of like, mm.

01:00:06Guest:And it sort of smelled like Okefenokee swamp.

01:00:11Guest:Oh.

01:00:11Guest:Oh, shut up.

01:00:12Guest:You've heard worse tonight, for God's sake.

01:00:14Guest:A guy was talking about his movements.

01:00:16Guest:Oh.

01:00:16Guest:And you're yelling at me for talking about this.

01:00:18Marc:And you're still friends?

01:00:19Guest:No, she's a good friend.

01:00:21Marc:Oh, that's hilarious.

01:00:22Marc:Yeah, she's a good friend.

01:00:23Guest:And she still looks like a million dollars, and she's 60 years old.

01:00:26Guest:And she looks like a million... You would do her.

01:00:29Guest:You would.

01:00:31Guest:I would do you.

01:00:32Guest:Can I just say something?

01:00:33Guest:No, but can I just say something?

01:00:35Guest:No, no, no.

01:00:35Guest:Can I just say something?

01:00:36Marc:Yeah.

01:00:37Guest:No.

01:00:38Guest:I have known Mark for 25 years, and I'm going to seize this opportunity.

01:00:41Guest:I have always thought you were hot.

01:00:42Marc:Thank you.

01:00:43Guest:I have always thought... Isn't he?

01:00:45Guest:Because he is.

01:00:46Guest:I've always thought you were hot.

01:00:48Guest:There are not many comedians that I think are hot, and you are one of them.

01:00:51Marc:I don't know.

01:00:52Guest:I mean, you haven't been a masturbation fantasy.

01:00:54Marc:Oh, so you're not joking?

01:00:55Guest:You're not Jon Bon Jovi hot.

01:00:58LAUGHTER

01:00:59Marc:It's great to see you.

01:01:01Guest:Thank you.

01:01:02Marc:So you're doing, like, is your one-man show still going on?

01:01:05Guest:I've been doing my, I have a one-man show that's a theater piece that I do called South Pathetic.

01:01:13Mm-hmm.

01:01:14Guest:And I've been doing it for 10 years off and on in little theaters around the country, wherever.

01:01:19Guest:Like you did Jerusalem Syndrome all over the place.

01:01:21Guest:And this is what I've been doing.

01:01:23Guest:And last year, it sort of had its world premiere, like with the press and everything, in San Francisco at the new Conservatory Theater.

01:01:31Guest:Oh, great.

01:01:31Guest:And it was the first time I've ever gotten a lot of reviews.

01:01:34Guest:And the reviews I could have written myself.

01:01:37Guest:I mean, they were really like, oh, my God, really?

01:01:39Guest:They get it?

01:01:40Guest:Really?

01:01:41Guest:What it's about, it's I play myself and ten characters, and it's about the worst community theater in the South doing a production of Streetcar Named Desire.

01:01:49Guest:Oh, my God.

01:01:50Guest:Because I come from community theater, you know what I mean?

01:01:52Guest:I was raised, I mean, I originally wanted to be an actor before I became a comedian.

01:01:56Guest:I mean, when I came to New York, you know, in 1977, I came to New York to be in the theater, and the theater basically said, we don't really see you as an actor, we see you as an usher.

01:02:05Guest:And so I became a comedian so that I could stay in show business because it wasn't happening, you know, as an actor.

01:02:13Guest:But this is what that's about.

01:02:15Guest:And this is about a period in my life where I mean, because we we've all gone through dry spells.

01:02:19Guest:You know what I mean?

01:02:20Guest:We've all gone through periods where I mean, Mark and I are very fortunate that we've been able to make our living doing this for one way or the other.

01:02:27Guest:One way or the other.

01:02:28Guest:But there was one period in my life where everything was so bad that the only job that I could get was to go to the worst community theater in the South and direct a streetcar named Desire.

01:02:37Guest:Is that true?

01:02:38Guest:Some of it is.

01:02:41Guest:It's fictionalized autobiography, but it's based on my experiences doing community theater.

01:02:46Guest:But I'm doing it at the New York Fringe Festival in August.

01:02:50Guest:Great.

01:02:51Guest:Graduations.

01:02:51Guest:You guys know what that is?

01:02:53Guest:Yeah.

01:02:53Guest:And I'm really proud of it, and it's going to be done six performances at the Fringe Festival, and if you want to get tickets, you can go to FringeNYC.org.

01:03:02Marc:Awesome.

01:03:03Guest:Or my website, JimDavid.com.

01:03:05Marc:How the hell do you do, like, when you do, you tour and you play mostly for straight audiences.

01:03:09Guest:Yes, I do.

01:03:10Guest:And you're... They love it.

01:03:12Guest:They want to hear this shit.

01:03:14Guest:They never hear this shit, you know what I mean?

01:03:18Guest:And so they're like, really?

01:03:21Guest:You know, they like it.

01:03:23Guest:That's fucking great.

01:03:24Guest:I'm the gay uncle that everybody has.

01:03:28Guest:You know what I mean?

01:03:28Guest:So I'm, like, non-threatening.

01:03:30Guest:You know what I mean?

01:03:31Guest:And if I was young and hot and, like, really cute and, like, was threatening to take away your son, I think they wouldn't like me.

01:03:37Guest:But because I'm this middle-aged guy that looks like Mr. Furley from Three's Company...

01:03:43Marc:But you're also fucking... You really are a pro, though.

01:03:48Marc:You've never taken any shit from anybody.

01:03:50Marc:You've always fucking delivered the goods.

01:03:52Marc:You schooled me once.

01:03:54Marc:How?

01:03:55Marc:I don't remember.

01:03:56Marc:We were online at a show at PS122, and I said something like, why don't you act gay?

01:04:05Marc:I said, why don't you gay it up or something?

01:04:07Marc:And you said, if Chris Rock...

01:04:09Marc:Do you remember you said to me you got mad at me?

01:04:12Guest:I did get mad at you.

01:04:13Marc:That's right.

01:04:14Guest:I haven't thought about that since it happened.

01:04:16Marc:Right.

01:04:17Guest:Wow, what did I do?

01:04:18Guest:What did I say?

01:04:19Marc:Well, I made some sort of, like, you were talking about doing something.

01:04:22Marc:I made some sort of, like, reference to sort of like, well, maybe you ought to gay it up.

01:04:26Guest:You made some tacky little fucking reference and I just put you in your fucking place.

01:04:30Guest:That's right.

01:04:32Guest:And I don't remember what it was because I didn't lose any sleep over it.

01:04:36Guest:And then you came up and apologized to me.

01:04:38Marc:Well, I felt bad.

01:04:39Guest:Yeah, of course you should have felt bad.

01:04:42Guest:Because you said some dumb straight guy thing.

01:04:44Guest:Then all you guys think is like, hey, this guy's gay, so I think I'll make a fucking gay joke.

01:04:49Guest:And we're like, we don't even think about it.

01:04:52Guest:You know what I mean?

01:04:53Guest:I mean, I literally don't even think.

01:04:55Guest:I mean, I have been with my partner for 22 years and I don't think about gay.

01:04:59Guest:You know what I mean?

01:05:00Guest:I mean, it's like, he's just there.

01:05:01Guest:You know, it's like, it's like, okay, he's just there.

01:05:04Guest:Then all of a sudden, some asshole like you brings up a comment.

01:05:08Guest:You know, they bring up something and I'm like, really?

01:05:11Guest:I'm gay?

01:05:12Yeah.

01:05:12Guest:I hadn't even thought about it.

01:05:14Guest:No, really, I had not thought about that.

01:05:16Marc:Okay.

01:05:16Guest:That's hilarious.

01:05:17Guest:Yeah.

01:05:18Guest:I had not thought about that.

01:05:19Marc:No, no, but I just was thanking you for setting me straight.

01:05:22Guest:Really?

01:05:23Guest:Yeah.

01:05:23Guest:I set you straight?

01:05:24Marc:Did I really?

01:05:24Marc:Yeah.

01:05:25Marc:I had an effect on you?

01:05:26Marc:Yeah, I apologize.

01:05:27Marc:I felt bad.

01:05:27Marc:No, because your example was if I were Chris Rock,

01:05:32Marc:Would you use black in the same way you do?

01:05:33Guest:That's right.

01:05:34Guest:That's what I said.

01:05:35Guest:I said, if I was Chris Rock, you wouldn't have done a black comment.

01:05:39Guest:Right.

01:05:40Guest:That's right.

01:05:41Guest:And you wouldn't have.

01:05:41Marc:Right.

01:05:42Marc:That's right.

01:05:42Marc:That's why I was schooled and I learned my lesson.

01:05:44Marc:There you go.

01:05:45Marc:I've never done it again.

01:05:46Guest:You know what that comes from?

01:05:48Guest:When I first lived in New York, I came to New York in 1977.

01:05:52Guest:That's 33 years ago.

01:05:55Guest:And I remember that I would walk around the village and stuff and people would say things to me just because I was in the neighborhood.

01:06:04Guest:You know what I mean?

01:06:05Guest:Tourists and people would say, hey, look, there's the faggot and there's this and that and the other thing.

01:06:10Guest:And I adopted a persona at the time.

01:06:13Guest:I've never told you this.

01:06:14Guest:I adopted this sort of Jersey Shore persona so that whenever somebody made like an anti-gay comment to me, I would turn around and go, hey, what the fuck you looking at, motherfucker?

01:06:26Guest:Like that.

01:06:27Guest:I would.

01:06:28Guest:I would, and they would be like, oh, you know.

01:06:30Guest:Sorry.

01:06:32Guest:And so they would turn around, and they would turn, and they'd go, hey, I'm sorry.

01:06:35Guest:Hey, get the fuck out of here.

01:06:37Guest:It's in your fucking neighborhood.

01:06:41Guest:You got the wrong fucking faggot.

01:06:48Marc:Jim David, ladies and gentlemen.

01:06:50Marc:Mark Maron, everybody.

01:06:51Marc:That's our show.

01:06:54Marc:Kick on the music.

01:06:56Marc:Keep it going for Matt McCarthy, Reverend Jen, Jim David, Louis Kess, Judah Friedlander.

01:07:01Marc:Go to WTFPod.com.

01:07:03Marc:Thank you so much for coming, you guys.

01:07:05Marc:I really do appreciate your support.

01:07:08Marc:Good night.

01:07:40you