Episode 95 - Patrice O'Neal
Guest:Lock the gates!
Guest:Are we doing this?
Guest:Really?
Guest:Wait for it.
Guest:Are we doing this?
Guest:Wait for it.
Guest:Pow!
Guest:What the fuck?
Guest:And it's also, eh, what the fuck?
Guest:What's wrong with me?
Guest:It's time for WTF!
Guest:What the fuck?
Guest:With Mark Maron.
Marc:Okay, let's do this.
Marc:How are you, what the fuckers?
Marc:What the fuck buddies?
Marc:What the fuck nicks?
Marc:What the fucking nuts?
Marc:What the fuckers?
Marc:What the fucks?
Marc:All right, enough of that.
Marc:Enough.
Marc:Enough.
Marc:You know, it could go on forever.
Marc:The list keeps going.
Marc:It keeps going.
Marc:I hope everybody's well.
Marc:I am doing okay.
Marc:I'm a little frazzled.
Marc:I'm a little disjointed.
Marc:I'm a little detached and disconnected.
Marc:I've been traveling.
Marc:And I find that once that I'm in a relationship again,
Marc:that I'm in a relationship that I want to be in with a woman, that I go a little crazy, that I start sacrificing parts of my own personality.
Marc:I start to find myself getting a little insecure.
Marc:I've always said that if you have no one to complain to, you complain less.
Marc:Now, obviously, I can always talk to you guys.
Marc:But I don't like to think of this as complaining.
Marc:But now that I'm in a relationship that I can't avoid having feelings about, it's difficult.
Marc:I don't like it.
Marc:I don't know how to trust it.
Marc:It causes me great stress.
Marc:Because if I'm connected to somebody emotionally, it's got to be a disaster on some level.
Marc:That's the way I'm trained.
Marc:Hey, I really like you.
Marc:I'm fucked.
Marc:I'm fucked.
Marc:It should just follow that.
Marc:I really have feelings for you.
Marc:I'm in such fucking trouble.
Marc:Look at me.
Marc:When I say that, when I look at a woman and say, I feel the same way about you, or I have feelings for you, I should just say, do you see me spiraling downward?
Marc:Do you see the plane crashing?
Marc:Do you see smoke?
Marc:Do you see burning?
Marc:Do you hear a history of bad relationships screaming in the back of the plane as we all sort of head fast into
Marc:into the ground, into the mountain, into the ocean, wherever the fuck it is.
Marc:I'm spiraling a little bit.
Marc:But maybe that's not your experience.
Marc:Maybe you people are completely capable of trust and intimacy and saying nice things and maybe enjoying a plate of food together and saying, can I taste that?
Marc:Oh, that's really nice.
Marc:You ordered well.
Marc:It just drives me nuts.
Marc:Completely fucking paranoid.
Marc:I'm trying to be honest.
Marc:I'm going to try to stay straightforward here.
Marc:But I always have conflicted feelings.
Marc:How come, what the fuck is wrong with me that I can't even be in a relationship and be happy about it?
Marc:If it makes me happy, shouldn't that be good?
Marc:No, because I just know that I'm in trouble.
Marc:That somehow or another, if I'm feeling happy, I'm going to be hurt.
Marc:It's ridiculous.
Marc:It's ridiculous.
Marc:What am I going to do?
Marc:What am I just going to sit at home and masturbate and have shallow relationships for the rest of my life?
Marc:You know, just sort of detached sexual relationships that... Pow!
Marc:Oh man, did I shit my pants on that one.
Marc:JustCoffee.coop.
Marc:Am I avoiding the conversation?
Marc:I am.
Marc:I am.
Marc:I'm starting to feel like a fucking loser.
Marc:How about if I just roll with it?
Marc:I love when people say that.
Marc:Hey, you're having a good time.
Marc:Roll with it.
Marc:I don't hear that the same way most people do.
Marc:I hear, why don't you roll over it with your truck and then put it into reverse and roll over it again until you just flatten the fuck out of it.
Marc:With your fucking insecurity and insanity.
Marc:It's just, I really thought that so much of this shit that I'm dealing with right now that's coming up because I met somebody, I thought it was past it.
Marc:I really thought that all the anger and all the ridiculousness and paranoia and the distrust and all that shit, I thought that if I just didn't deal with it, that it would go away.
Marc:That it would just go away.
Marc:Like as I got older, that shit, that emotional baggage and insanity would just go away.
Marc:You know, like, hey, I'm older now.
Marc:It's just not there.
Marc:That shit never goes away.
Marc:It's like frozen in fucking time in my goddamn brain just waiting to be activated.
Marc:I'm like a Manchurian candidate that has been programmed to destroy relationships by my parents.
Marc:The evil empire of my parents has created a Manchurian candidate in me to get into any emotional situation and just destroy it from the inside.
Marc:I need to be deprogrammed.
Marc:God damn it.
Marc:Love is tricky, man.
Marc:I guess it's not easy for anybody.
Marc:Whatever.
Marc:Life is short, right?
Marc:Whatevs.
Marc:Whatevs.
Marc:So I saw no other alternative than to consult Patrice O'Neal.
Marc:Now, look, this is going to go either way.
Marc:I don't know what you people are going to feel about this conversation.
Marc:I know that Patrice is very engaging.
Marc:I know that when you're in a state like my own, where you're a little fragile, a little sensitive, thinking things through, a little brokenhearted, a little hurt, that his leadership qualities, his ability to explain things,
Marc:put forth his philosophy on things it's hard to uh it's hard to avoid it's hard not to get sucked in so i'm gonna have a talk to patrice about women hopefully about race about other things see if we can you know get under there and see what's going on with him i've always liked patrice i i've never been able to get a word in edgewise but maybe this will be different so
Guest:Sometimes you get that depressed thing where you go, you know, I wish It was important to more people, you know, I wish I want pity thing.
Guest:Yeah, we really want more people to I'd be happier if more people Knew who I was you get that too.
Marc:I just will be happier What do you think because I get that all the time too?
Marc:I don't what do you think it is?
Marc:What are we not doing?
Marc:Right?
Marc:How come I can't what I've grown to believe that I'm just not for everybody
Marc:What the hell am I going to do?
Guest:I just had this conversation with Opie, man.
Guest:And it's like I'm coming to the I think I'm thinking that if I was a vegetable and I was a Brussels sprout.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And I was going, man, I know people love Brussels sprouts.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I just I just have to get out to the people.
Guest:But you go, you know what?
Guest:People might not like Brussels sprouts.
Yeah.
Guest:I might have what I have.
Guest:I don't.
Guest:I think because I see the laughter and the reaction from people who love me and I never want to turn my back on the people who actually enable me to exist.
Marc:That's good.
Marc:You should hold on to that.
Guest:But I see their reaction.
Guest:I see the people that I do touch.
Guest:I touch them constantly.
Guest:on such a real level that I go, there's no way I can be this irrelevant in terms of socially irrelevant, in terms of numbers.
Marc:Well, let's talk about it because I'm the same way.
Marc:I'm talking to Patrice O'Neal.
Marc:I have real loyal fans.
Marc:I don't have a lot of them.
Guest:And they come out, and I'm going to ask you,
Guest:Do you see the same people every single?
Marc:Oh, yeah.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:They'll come out two or three times.
Marc:Some of them will bring me presents.
Marc:You know, I had a woman last night.
Marc:I was in Minnesota.
Marc:She came up and she said, before you did that joke, I started to cry a little bit.
Marc:I mean, like, you know, deep shit.
Marc:And the podcast is helping out a lot.
Marc:But, you know, when I start to think, it's like, why?
Marc:How come I don't have a wider appeal?
Marc:And I think it's because we got too much fucking heart.
Marc:I think that, like, when you do comedy that's honest and you're taking an emotional risk, that means that's real discomfort there.
Marc:That means you're not ending a joke with, like, and now everything's good.
Guest:And, you know, someone told me, this kid, actually this kid opened up for me.
Guest:He's a fan of mine, but he's a comic.
Guest:But he revealed himself to be a real fan.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And we talked, and I think he's been wondering.
Guest:About you?
Guest:About me, like, going, why?
Guest:He watches and goes, why?
Guest:Because I think a lot of people feel there's people out there that go, if Mark doesn't do it, how can I do it?
Guest:Like, they need you to make it so that they believe that they can also.
Guest:I'm in that category.
Guest:Like, they go, why is it?
Guest:They try to really go, well, why isn't Patrice this?
Guest:Oh, and they try to go, oh, that's why.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:But really, there's a lot of people in the business who are terrible human beings.
Guest:I'm not a terrible human being.
Guest:I'm actually loyal.
Marc:You're an honest guy, too, which can work against us.
Guest:I'm trying to be honest because I know that I have skeletons.
Guest:I know that I have issues.
Guest:I know that I have things in my life.
Guest:that you know i always said i know i know why um i i know exactly why michael richards and peewee herman why their careers suffer is because they have put themselves out there as these people who were like fun loving their character clowns are just yay yeah yeah so when one goes ah nigga and the other one is jerking off
Guest:He has a kid show.
Guest:It's like he was living a lie.
Guest:And when people expose you for lying, like the Tiger Woods thing, I always thought he should go, hey, man, look, my wife, if he had said this, my wife won't lick my asshole.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I love it licked.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:This waitress licks my asshole.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:I should be able.
Marc:When should he have said that exactly?
Guest:As soon as they put him in a corner.
Guest:As soon as I notice something about this is talking about comedy.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I notice when I'm I notice a long time when I'm bombing.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:When I'm bombing, the worst thing to ever do is try to not bomb.
Guest:The best thing to do is take everybody to die.
Guest:Everyone dies.
Guest:I'm not dying.
Guest:You're going to die.
Guest:I'm not going to try to win you back because I know this about people.
Guest:yeah people are hot when power corrupts when an audience sees that you're struggling and then you're trying not to struggle and you need them not to struggle they get worse they don't get better to try to help you dig yourself they want to put the dirt on your grave and watch you fail so i go you know guess what you're gonna watch yourself everyone's gonna be miserable
Guest:And when there's hecklers in the audience who are letting... I don't get mad at the hecklers.
Guest:I get mad at the people.
Guest:You're going to allow this guy to ruin our relationship.
Guest:You know this is going nowhere.
Guest:You know that I'm finished with him, yet you won't have him removed.
Guest:You'll let this piece of shit fuck up your... You know what?
Guest:You're getting what you fucking deserve.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:You're letting it happen?
Guest:You fucking weak people.
Guest:You're weak.
Marc:You think this might be why we're not... I love honest shit, man.
Marc:Yeah, it's the only way.
Marc:But when you do that, have you ever pushed them?
Guest:Have people walked?
Guest:I used to walk because I do a lot of stuff about women.
Guest:I generally don't like what women are.
Marc:Which is what?
Guest:I generally don't like...
Guest:Living in a world where being what a man is, is a horrible thing.
Guest:And no matter what a woman is, it's a wonderful thing.
Guest:This is what they're doing.
Guest:They are society.
Guest:They're bringing men down.
Guest:and women are up but they don't understand women are getting their their cue from men meaning so if you're a woman and you're going I want to be the most successful whatever I want to be you're looking at the most successful man you're competing mentally with men I want to get the most women aren't going I want to be why don't women think in terms of the king and queen system it's a beautiful system the system is if I'm a man
Guest:And I see a fucking bum woman.
Guest:A woman has nothing.
Guest:She's dumb.
Guest:If I marry her, she's now the highest level she can be.
Guest:She's the queen.
Guest:You can't get higher than the queen.
Guest:It's a great position.
Guest:It's the baddest bitch in the land.
Guest:But the queen is the king's bitch.
Guest:But here's the reverse.
Guest:And this is why these dominant women who can't find happiness is because the queen in this system...
Guest:If it's just the queen, right?
Guest:And the queen of England is the queen because her father didn't have any sons.
Guest:So he didn't have a king to take up.
Guest:So his heir was a woman.
Guest:So now she's the queen with no king.
Guest:When she gets married, that guy is not the king.
Guest:He's the queen's husband who doesn't get elevated to his highest position.
Guest:A man at his highest position
Guest:helps a woman be at her highest position.
Guest:A highest position woman who has a lower man can't be happy.
Guest:It's nature.
Guest:It's fucking nature.
Marc:All right.
Marc:Okay.
Marc:So these points of view, I mean, this assessment of how it all works, could this be part of why you're not as popular?
Yes.
Guest:Every time I talk, I go, this is ridiculous.
Guest:But, you know, I have a woman who has been around me a long time.
Marc:This is a woman you were with.
Guest:I'm with now.
Guest:You're queen.
Guest:My queen.
Guest:My woman.
Guest:Who, in every woman's fashion, is trying to take me down.
Guest:It's like Valkyrie.
Guest:Operation Valkyrie.
Guest:These bitches.
Guest:Come on.
Guest:They hate being women, man.
Marc:I'm telling you.
Marc:But wait, let me ask you.
Marc:So let me just understand something.
Marc:So you're saying that women only have the model of success and power that men have established.
Marc:So when they try to operate within that, they're acting like men, which means that they are denying themselves their queenness and will never be happy.
Marc:Thank you.
Marc:That's what you're saying.
Guest:It's like another analogy, more or less.
Guest:I try to help my girl.
Guest:I have to think of analogy every day.
Guest:Oh, I know.
Marc:You're very good at it.
Guest:I have to think in analogy terms.
Guest:It's like you meet, if you're an animal, okay, and you're a great white shark.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:There's a woman, great white sharks, and there's men, great white sharks.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:To every other animal, great white sharks are just vicious.
Guest:No other animal looks at a great white shark and goes, uh-oh, here comes the girl version.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Uh-oh.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:A lot of men, okay, we go and try to date within our species.
Guest:Most male great whites say, oh, wow, here go a girl.
Guest:I want her.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Right?
Guest:But women go, I hate the way great whites treat the woman great white.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:So I'm going to now date these penguins or these seals who look at me and they run in fear.
Guest:And I'm going to catch one and I'm not going to eat it.
Guest:I'm just going to play around with it and have this particular animal who looks at me with this fear and reverence.
Guest:Just go, oh, my God, you didn't kill me.
Guest:Yeah, I didn't kill you.
Guest:Because, you know, that's why these gorgeous women date these weak men and they live.
Marc:Right, but aren't they usually doing that just to piss off the great white?
Guest:No, they're doing it because they go, I'm not going to sit here and deal with this other great white.
Guest:So what happens though is they're dating their food and after a while they go, I fucking hate this guy.
Guest:I hate what he is.
Guest:He lets me do anything I want.
Guest:He fucking, I talk to him like he's a piece of shit.
Guest:I spit at him and he just does nothing.
Guest:I'm going to eat him.
Guest:I'm going to eat him.
Guest:Then she's going, how do I feel like a woman?
Guest:You fucking date this man, great white, and you go fuck with him, and this great white goes, hey, bitch, look, don't talk to me like that.
Guest:I don't let no fucking girl sharks treat me like that, bitch.
Guest:I'm not a penguin.
Guest:Yeah, I got to deal with niggas trying to hunt me.
Guest:I got to deal with other man sharks trying to bite me.
Guest:I got to deal with you, bitch, with your mouth.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:You know, no, that music ain't yours.
Guest:That's mine, motherfucker.
Guest:I'm...
Guest:I'm top of the food chain.
Marc:But I have to... How does this analogy work with your woman?
Guest:I'm the longest relationship she's ever been in.
Guest:We've been together a good seven years or some shit.
Guest:She's been around a long time.
Guest:I do an old joke where it's like, you know, she's been with me for eight years.
Guest:I've been with her for five.
Guest:And it's like, I didn't know we were together at that time, but you know how it is.
Guest:So she's been living truth for a long time where she's
Guest:At first, it was charming to her.
Guest:Now she's trying to... I call it karate class, man.
Guest:All the things that she... When she was strictly the student, she looked at me as the master, and I teach her her first kick, like, okay, baby, here, go, hi-yah.
Guest:It's like, oh, she feels good.
Guest:She's kicking.
Guest:She's learning moves.
Guest:She's learning karate.
Guest:Now this bitch has a seventh-degree black belt in my bullshit, and now she thinks she can actually beat me.
Guest:And she's hard to beat.
Guest:Back in the day, I could flip her right on her head verbally.
Guest:She'd be like, oh, my God.
Guest:Sorry, master.
Guest:But each level she wants to go up, she thinks she don't want to go out into the world and try her shit.
Guest:She wants to try it with me.
Guest:And I'm the motherfucker who taught her.
Guest:And I'm the motherfucker who loves her.
Guest:But she's always trying to gain an advantage of...
Guest:uh over me and i'm the motherfucker that she and that's where things go bad in relationships i think is because you know your woman starts to look at you like i can be he ain't the guy i go look man if you need to go find yourself another man if you need to go do what you got to do um i'm not going to allow you to make me unsexy to you because i know how to not do it i know that you're going to try to you're trying to
Guest:gain something.
Marc:So you're saying, okay, because I've been in situations where once they get hip to your bullshit, I mean, your model is good, but there might come a time where they're just sort of like, not only am I hip to your bullshit, but I'm tired.
Guest:Yes, she is tired.
Guest:She's tired of me.
Guest:She is.
Guest:But I'm like, go be tired because I'm telling you, you're thinking like a square.
Guest:You're thinking like all these bitches who don't have a man.
Guest:Go join them because as eventually you're going to what she's looking for out of me is to do some of the things that her food does.
Yeah.
Guest:Can't you just be like my food once or twice?
Guest:No, bitch.
Guest:Why don't you want to give her a little of that?
Guest:It's not giving anything.
Guest:It's I'm living me and you're living you.
Guest:At some point you got bored.
Guest:See, we don't have.
Guest:This is deep shit.
Guest:I'm not sure it's right.
Guest:It might not be right.
Guest:It might be sophistry.
Guest:You know what I'm saying?
Guest:It might be some bullshit.
Marc:No, I think it is your life.
Marc:It's a point of view.
Marc:It's a deep point of view and it's been around for a while.
Guest:I think it to be fair.
Guest:It's a fair thing.
Marc:What about what about mother?
Marc:What about that?
Marc:You'll be a good mother.
Marc:Take care of your shit.
Guest:That's inconsequential, man.
Guest:I don't even think.
Guest:Look, I'm gonna tell you how far.
Marc:Do we have kids?
Guest:Do you have kids?
Guest:I want kids, but I'm having I don't have any, but I would like some.
Guest:I mean, my girl has a kid she came with.
Guest:And I actually what the wonderful thing now, I think she the kid lives with you.
Guest:No, but I was going to say, I look at people with kids and I go, you know, as a stepfather, quote unquote, you know, her father's still in her life.
Guest:You know, she has a good father.
Guest:He's not an asshole.
Guest:It's just that I'm with her mother, you know, so and we get along.
Guest:She loves me.
Guest:I love her.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:But the thing is, that's great is I really like being sometimes dead.
Guest:I'm like, wow, if she had to be my kid all the time, you're like, hey.
Marc:Yeah, but but don't but isn't there a different level of appreciation for that woman?
Guest:You're with in her relationship with her daughter that transcends this objectification riff that you're going on The thing is I never waver from From this is my standpoint.
Guest:My standpoint is a natural feeling.
Guest:It's a natural feeling.
Guest:It's nature I'm not I'm not just not a social standpoint like okay being
Guest:a good mother is wonderful.
Guest:My girl's a good mother.
Guest:She's a good woman.
Guest:But I'm saying you're missing the part of me being a good father.
Guest:Me being a good man.
Guest:Me being a good son.
Guest:First of all, as a mother,
Guest:People go, you have a mother.
Guest:It's like, yeah, but my mother was somebody else's bitch at one time, meaning my mother did things to men.
Guest:And she's told me this mentally fuck with men.
Guest:I mean, like where she go, I've done this.
Guest:OK, as a woman.
Guest:Yeah, but we do it, too.
Guest:Right.
Guest:We're not.
Guest:See, this is the thing.
Guest:You can't always.
Guest:You know how my girl got me?
Guest:How?
Guest:I was a guy who was this terrible misogynist when she met me.
Guest:I'm a lot less.
Guest:Less.
Guest:I'm telling you.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:A lot less.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Because I have submitted to the fact that a lot of things I've done, I don't do.
Guest:Like, look it.
Marc:What's your big fear in relation to women?
Marc:That you're going to cry?
Marc:What is the armor about?
Marc:What is the fight?
Guest:The fight is... And that's an interesting question, but I'm going to be very honest.
Guest:I just want my girl to know that...
Guest:My natural instincts stopped once I said I made a decision to be, quote unquote, a good guy.
Guest:I know that fucking a lot of women.
Guest:is bad for her she don't want it she she wants commitment and she wants she wants uh you know a monogamous relationship and i give it to her and i just want her to know that it's not i just want her to always value
Marc:The sacrifice.
Guest:I want her to value that.
Guest:All I do, really, all I do is want women to understand what we are, what we are.
Guest:I want a lot of fucking women.
Guest:Like I just every day, every day I see a woman that I go, man, I want the opportunity.
Guest:I have a decent house, have a decent car.
Guest:I know I have.
Guest:It's like being a fisherman.
Guest:Right.
Guest:Right.
Guest:And this is again, you fish as a fisherman.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Yeah, as a fisherman.
Guest:As a fisherman.
Guest:If you're a sport fisherman.
Guest:I have thrown, cast my line out.
Guest:As a sport fisherman.
Guest:Yes, sir.
Guest:Which is a lot different from?
Guest:Fishing to live.
Guest:Fishing to live.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Thank you.
Guest:Okay?
Guest:Do you see how you get that context?
Guest:Okay, now, you go out there and you try to catch this fish.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Okay?
Guest:Uh-huh.
Guest:And you do.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Okay?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Like any other sport fisherman, you catch the fish, you show it to your friends.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:You take a picture.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:You look at it.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And you throw it back in the water.
Guest:Right.
Guest:Now, your girl is in your life or your wife or anybody else who's a significant person in your life.
Guest:You don't show her.
Guest:Is a fish.
Yeah.
Guest:that jump back on the boat after you threw it in the water.
Marc:Have you worked this out before?
Guest:Because you caught her, she keeps jumping back on your boat.
Guest:And you're sitting there going, listen, you don't come out because usually some fish get the idea that they swim back into the ocean and hope you come back again to catch them or you got lucky enough to catch them.
Guest:But the fish that's in your life,
Guest:was just flapping around your boat she would she'd run all the other fish away so that at some point you go fuck I just listen you know and then she goes you go look I my job is to catch you and throw you away then she's like what the fuck is that what I am to you
Guest:And as a man who has that dichotomy, you're just trying.
Guest:No, no, no, no.
Guest:Don't misunderstand.
Guest:I'm not a piece of shit.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:No, you're the last fish I wanted to catch you and then be the last fish.
Guest:Then it's like, okay, good.
Guest:Okay, now we're dating.
Guest:So every time you come back, now, okay, you go, okay, I got this fish.
Guest:Now your fish goes, you love me.
Guest:You go, yeah, yeah, I love your fish.
Guest:All right, now that you love me,
Guest:Why do you still have your boat?
Guest:And why do you still have your pole and all your bait?
Guest:So are you saying you want me to stop being what I was to get you?
Guest:So what that means is when I stop being what I am, you start to look at me and go, you ain't even got a boat.
Guest:There's a time where they go, you don't even have a boat.
Guest:That guy has a boat.
Guest:You used to be this great fisherman.
Guest:But why don't you say, well, you can't even swim anymore.
Guest:they'll never be able to not swim.
Guest:My girl is gorgeous.
Guest:If she plays her cards right, dude, there's never a time when she can't get something.
Guest:Look, my girl got me to fuck with her.
Guest:She was waiting.
Guest:She just was waiting.
Guest:She liked me, and she was waiting...
Guest:for some reason, you see my girl and you go, why is she waiting for me to fuck her?
Guest:Which gives me more arrogance because I know that women are better than us because a guy like me could get a girl like my woman.
Guest:It's because they love differently than we do.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:What she did is finally, after all this time of kind of waiting and kind of being there, she invited me up to the house.
Guest:And she put a T-shirt on and went to take a shower and stuff.
Guest:And she's talking to me.
Guest:And same old, same old.
Guest:And she went to go turn the TV and bent down so that her fucking pussy and asshole was just showing.
Guest:And she picked something up.
Guest:And she knew I was looking.
Guest:And I'm like, oh, OK.
Guest:It's in my face.
Guest:And by the way, here's the arrogance of having a vagina.
Guest:She can actually, if I didn't fuck her then, she can actually be officially have the right to say that I'm gay just because she showed asshole and pussy and I didn't go for it then.
Guest:I am a fucking fag then.
Guest:That's how arrogant you can be with having a pussy.
Guest:There could be no point where you could show your balls and asshole as a marker to pick a woman up or to fuck a woman and it be acceptable.
Guest:If you showed your asshole and balls, Mark, and as a, hey, look at this, you're saying, I make them objects?
Guest:No, I could never do what they do.
Guest:What she did to get dick,
Guest:I laugh at her to this day because it's like, do you see what you showed your asshole and pussy?
Marc:That's right.
Marc:But in your model, that's how else is it going to go?
Marc:They're acknowledging that they've got this and that you want it.
Guest:And let's go back to, OK, where there's never I know you've you've never met a woman.
Guest:Mark, who has taken responsibility completely for what she does.
Guest:Exactly.
Guest:Because that laugh says you didn't because you would have had a contrary opinion.
Guest:You've never met a woman that went, yes, I am.
Guest:I'm just wrong.
Guest:Now.
Marc:So why don't you present this to the people?
Marc:Maybe the reason why you're feeling disappointed in how many people understand you or how many people want to be in your audience is that maybe the comedy thing is just part of it.
Marc:Maybe you need to build this larger, broader fellowship of rough truth.
Marc:This is almost pimp shit.
Guest:Oh, to be honest, in my worst, I can really say the worst days where I had a lot of women around, I didn't date any of them, but they all, they just loved me.
Guest:I go, damn it, these girls like me enough.
Guest:These girls listen to me enough.
Guest:I'm not hiding any of them from each other.
Guest:I could be a pimp.
Guest:And I realized why I couldn't be a pimp.
Guest:Because I'm a good man.
Guest:All of this shit is based on, this is not based on being a pimp.
Guest:This is based on being a good man where I go, holy shit, I realized something.
Guest:I could never live with myself as a man.
Guest:Allow my woman to sell money.
Guest:uh pussy and give me all the money i i couldn't do that shit and i realized there are women who get hit in their relationship and you go why are you staying with that man because i love him why there's women that work a nine to five and give every dime to a fucking bum that's in the house i just love him she's a fucking hoe
Guest:and he's a pimp.
Guest:Now, it's a matter of do you abuse that?
Guest:I don't abuse my woman.
Guest:I just don't want her abusing me, Mark.
Guest:That's it.
Guest:I don't want her abusing the fact that I'm a good man.
Marc:Okay.
Marc:Well, now we've got that about, and I believe that you are a good man, and your system seems to work for you.
Guest:I do, man.
Guest:She's
Marc:It's a hard system to sell out there in the world because what you're saying, a lot of what you're saying, it may be true to a lot of men, but a lot of men aren't going to admit it publicly, and they certainly aren't going to sit there in a comedy room and listen to you say that and look at their woman and go, huh?
Marc:That's us.
Guest:But I'm saying, like, Lopez, I read this thing, Lopez got busted cheating.
Guest:He probably got busted prostituted.
Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest:It might be some fucking bullshit.
Guest:Strippers, right?
Guest:Right.
Guest:Pay for some pussy, supposedly.
Guest:Right.
Guest:But if you look at...
Guest:If you look at a lot of the guy's wives, I mean, George Lopez, his wife, she gave him a kidney.
Guest:She's a fucking soldier.
Guest:And as a man, if he cheats on her with strippers or hookers, as a man, there should be men that stand up, Mark, and go, okay, in a cheating world,
Guest:He did the right thing.
Guest:He doesn't have a side bitch that he has kids with.
Guest:He's not keeping.
Guest:He went and got some these girls look better than my wife pussy.
Guest:He's the most famous.
Marc:And I'm paying for it and it's not going to follow me home.
Marc:Yes.
Marc:But yet it followed him on the newspaper.
Guest:He's the most famous Mexican in the world.
Guest:He's a funny looking guy.
Guest:And no offense, if he's honest with himself, bad skin, funny looking face, and there's some motherfuckers that will fuck him.
Marc:And he should be able to fuck a little bit.
Marc:I understand that.
Marc:But the argument that works against that in your system is that women can, they're always going to be able to get another one.
Marc:You know, maybe not as good as once.
Marc:You're saying that the power of George Lopez is that his shit is so good, that his home is so hot, that his money is so good that he should be entitled to do that and she should have to put up with that.
Guest:No, that's what I'm saying.
Guest:He did the right thing.
Guest:He did the right thing.
Guest:He got caught.
Guest:Meaning he could in all reality.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Go.
Guest:This is what's going to be like, bitch.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And she goes, George, shut the fuck up.
Guest:You go.
Guest:I'll give you two million dollars and you get the fuck out of my face.
Guest:He didn't do that.
Guest:He snuck to try.
Guest:And I got.
Guest:OK, so what do you think he's doing now?
Guest:Now?
Guest:OK.
Guest:Me and my girl discuss if this happened to us.
Guest:I always try to put scenarios there.
Guest:Sure.
Guest:If she gets caught cheating, I said, I'll stay with you.
Guest:But you get demoted down to where you don't want to be no more, which is you got no say.
Guest:My girl got say.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:But at one point she worked hard to have a say.
Guest:Do you think you should be doing that?
Guest:Do you think you should be?
Guest:And not afraid or whatever, like mind your business, bitch, whatever, but do you think you should be doing it as my partner?
Guest:I told her if I get caught, what am I going to get demoted down to, okay?
Guest:Me getting a demotion means you get a demotion, actually.
Guest:Meaning, what are you going to do?
Guest:You have to leave me.
Guest:But I'm not going to stay in your life, right?
Guest:If I get caught fucking doing something that I didn't want to do and I hurt you, what happens is I'm not going to sit here and live an apology for the rest of my life.
Guest:I felt the same way.
Guest:I'm not going to sit here and have you hold me hostage and take away really what...
Guest:What our relationship is built on which is you think that I'm a great man?
Marc:Yeah, it's interesting point because this is something that happened to me like when my wife left me for me being an angry motherfucker and I and whatever you know the reason she left I understand but the condition of the leaving was I want a three-month trial separation to figure out what I want to do so
Marc:I was upset.
Marc:I did everything I could to get her back on some level.
Marc:And quite honestly, I've never admitted this before.
Guest:Anger management?
Marc:Well, I tried that.
Marc:I tried it.
Marc:And I was upset.
Marc:You did it for yourself, though.
Marc:No, I did it for her.
Guest:You know what I'm saying?
Marc:That's what you do for yourself.
Marc:When I knew, though, about two and a half months into this, I'm like, fuck this.
Marc:I can't hold on to anymore.
Marc:I'm going to go fuck somebody.
Marc:Mm-hmm.
Marc:And I know I did that, but I waited almost three months.
Marc:But after I fucked somebody, I knew I got to file for a divorce because I'm not going to live an apology for the rest of my life.
Marc:Even if I got her back, I don't want to have to answer for that, and I don't want to have to live an apology.
Guest:But you still could have got through that because, look...
Marc:She didn't love me enough.
Marc:She had some other dude.
Marc:She had enough.
Marc:She got the other guy with the better job, with the better family.
Guest:That's what happened.
Guest:See, we don't even better deal.
Guest:Look, we don't even better deal women.
Guest:We just like pussy.
Guest:Is that a girl in a trash can?
Guest:Let me see what she look like, baby.
Guest:How you doing?
Guest:Why are you in a trash can?
Guest:We're not even better dealing them.
Guest:I know.
Guest:We're not.
Guest:I can't.
Guest:No, it doesn't matter.
Guest:Being good to a woman for us is a commitment to ourselves.
Guest:It's a commitment to the fact that we go, this is what they want and this is what they think is the right thing to do.
Guest:And we're decent people.
Guest:We go, you know what?
Guest:she's right this is let me stop trying to fuck everything that moves it's probably some weird like there's my there's probably some weird compensation for something and i go let me be good to this girl i'm not i'm not gonna get better i might be able to get better uh good looking or i might be able to get better decent but not not together with her now let's address race the same way we address sex
Guest:Well, I would say it's the same thing, man.
Guest:I would say... Do you hate white people?
Guest:That's... Yes, my instinct is to say yes, but I don't hate... I don't hate white person, white person, white person, singularly.
Marc:You qualified your misogyny.
Marc:You said you're better with it.
Marc:You've got a system that you understand sex and women with.
Marc:It's your own.
Marc:It's based in truth.
Guest:Look, man...
Guest:Black people, I don't like to think in terms of being a victim and being black, dude.
Guest:One thing I try to get white people to understand, Mark, is that white is a fluent concept.
Guest:It's an idea.
Guest:White to us, and I've said this a few times, but here's what white is to us.
Guest:The decency that nature has given the Jews and their plight, the decency is to have a villain in both plights.
Guest:Moses, there was Pharaoh.
Guest:That nigga looked like Yul Brynner.
Guest:Yul Brynner was the evil force holding you down.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And God freed you.
Guest:God said, no, Jews, you must go.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:Okay.
Marc:Thank God.
Guest:Thank God.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:Then it's the Holocaust.
Marc:Hitler.
Marc:He was a bad one.
Guest:Hitler and his crew were the, it was after the war, it was against the law.
Guest:You can't even have the mustache no more.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:You can't even rock that.
Guest:You rock that.
Marc:That's not a law, but it's an understanding.
Guest:You just don't rock it.
Guest:That nigga is the devil.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:That mustache is the devil.
Marc:Right.
Guest:Hitler, then the devil.
Guest:Right.
Guest:So what that enables you to do is move on.
Guest:It enables you to move on.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:Meaning I don't have to hate every German.
Guest:I don't have to be bogged down.
Guest:After the Holocaust, being a fucking Nazi was criminal to this day.
Guest:If they find out you used to be a Nazi, you get fucked over.
Guest:You can't even apologize.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:Oh, no, only put a couple in ovens.
Guest:No, no, no.
Guest:You're done.
Marc:That's right.
Marc:Even if you're 100 years old, you're going to jail.
Guest:You're fucked.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Which is great for the spirit of being Jewish.
Guest:It's great.
Guest:It's just like we went through this.
Guest:Yeah, we went through this, but we know exactly what happened.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:We know exactly how many people it happened to, and we know exactly who the fuck did it.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:So it enables you to have a chapter in a book.
Yeah.
Guest:When I start off with white people, I'd say, look, white is is the only thing we got from slavery.
Guest:We don't have a we have a finished date, questionable start date, questionable amount of people that died, questionable effect on our minds.
Guest:When we were freed, it was like, bye, nigger.
Guest:Nice talking to you.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:OK, you you live.
Guest:You've been living this way 400 years.
Guest:Now we expect you to live wonderfully now.
Guest:And what we did to you is not criminal.
Guest:And and the only thing left is your skin.
Guest:So you have the skin color of the enemy.
Guest:So every white person is Hitler's mustache, really.
Guest:To my gut, all white skin is that.
Marc:On some level.
Guest:On some level.
Guest:Really?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:But you're not my oppressor.
Guest:Like, so it's for me when I say white, I don't, I hate that.
Guest:I always hate it when I watch Geraldo Rivera back in the day and used to have racial conversations.
Guest:And the race thing would be today on Geraldo, we're going to have a race debate.
Guest:It's, you know, Negro, John Negron from Negron University.
Guest:He's been at fucking, you know, Negropolis State.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:He has a doctor in nigger-tude.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Versus Troy, who thinks all niggers have sickle cell anemia.
Marc:But I think the sexism analogy is around the objectification, that people are judging just because you're black, and that black represents a certain thing.
Guest:It's it's it's the thing of when you get a black person that thinks that they have a white position, they're not nice.
Guest:Black cops are really hard dudes.
Guest:Black bosses.
Guest:Hard.
Guest:Because they have this thing where they have to prove something.
Guest:It's inferiority to me.
Guest:It's like, do I want white people giving me equal rights?
Guest:It's so...
Guest:Do I want a white guy apologizing for slavery?
Guest:I think that I have an equality or a non-equality based on person-to-person fucking thing.
Guest:And I think that black people have been put in a position where we have been...
Guest:given something that can be taken away.
Marc:And that's the meaning.
Marc:After having been stolen and demeaned and dehumanized, then all of a sudden you are given?
Guest:I think that the freedom in which black people have is in the context, man.
Guest:Conditional.
Guest:It's conjecture.
Guest:It doesn't exist.
Guest:It's a made-up theory because it's based on
Guest:love that we don't have for whatever reason that is whatever reason um you know i think black people are kind of like um uh sylvester stallone at the end of first blood part one yeah you ever see that movie i don't think so you never see maybe i did i can't remember shit fucking not operating at your level of intelligence no no no you should have saw that fucking movie i'm sure i saw many times what happened the scene is this
Guest:At the end when he goes, I just want this country to love me as much as I love it.
Guest:He was this Vietnam guy and he's just fucking ranting about why does the country hate me for doing what I was told to do.
Guest:In Vietnam, right.
Guest:Black people, I'm not speaking for all black people, but I feel that way.
Guest:It's like, why the fuck do you hate me, motherfucker?
Guest:Black people should be flying shit in the buildings all day long.
Guest:We should be insurgents.
Guest:We should be killing white families.
Guest:But we're not.
Guest:We're not.
Guest:We're fucking good, man.
Guest:And we get treated like dog shit.
Guest:And we're always trying to figure out how to get white people to fucking.
Guest:And like a lot of white people.
Guest:I got that that that I got that fucking monkey on my back where it's like, you know.
Guest:Don't fucking, you know, if a white guy goes, you know, you're very, shut the fuck up, nigga.
Guest:I don't need you to fucking validate me, bitch.
Guest:You know what I'm saying?
Guest:I don't care about your fucking love for me.
Guest:You know what I mean?
Guest:Stop.
Guest:We're trying to work for this, this, this love that it ain't going to happen.
Guest:And I don't want no legislated love.
Guest:I don't want the fucking N word in my life.
Guest:If you feel nigger, you could call it flowers and pudding, but it's fucking feeling like nigga.
Guest:So the N word, I got to listen to the N word describe a word that I've never even heard before the N word was this.
Guest:I never heard.
Guest:I never heard anything where I go, OK, put nigger there in place of that word.
Guest:But the N word was invented so that you can say nigger somehow.
Guest:So you found a way to fucking say nigger.
Guest:And I never heard nigga like I hear the N-word to describe nigga.
Guest:It's some tricky horse shit.
Guest:It's shit I learned in Boston.
Guest:It's shit that I want all black people to learn.
Guest:It's passive aggression.
Guest:It's covert racism.
Guest:How the fuck do you have a fucking racial conversation with somebody, right?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Who don't admit that they're racist.
Guest:How the fuck can I talk to a white person and go, you believe in racism?
Guest:Yep.
Guest:You believe that there's unjust things happening or unjust things happening to black people?
Guest:Mexicans all over the world?
Guest:Yes.
Guest:Are you racist?
Guest:No.
Guest:Racism is like Bigfoot.
Guest:Like we know it's here.
Guest:I've never seen it.
Guest:Only racist I see is fucking this asshole with a sheet on.
Guest:But there's no there's no functionally intelligent fucking guys who walk around and go, I hate niggas.
Guest:I hate spics.
Guest:I hate chinks.
Guest:But they're liars, man.
Guest:It's like we're not going to heal this thing.
Guest:Until two things.
Guest:One, black people got to stop lying about how we feel and white people got to stop lying about how they feel.
Guest:And we come together and we and we discuss it because this shit ain't going to stop until black people find a way to forgive this country for what it did.
Guest:It's it's aching.
Guest:That's the anger to forgive the country for what it did.
Guest:And without white people's.
Guest:This is how deep white is.
Guest:Hey, when did your family get here?
Guest:Got here in 1906.
Guest:First person straight off the boat from Italy.
Guest:And now I'm calling you a nigger like I'm better than you.
Guest:Are you serious?
Guest:My family's been here since 1619, bitch.
Guest:Making this country wealthy because it's got free labor.
Guest:It's just collecting money.
Guest:Are you fucking serious?
Guest:And we get a hard time and you get here, your skin's white and you treat me like shit.
Marc:You motherfucker.
Marc:You're telling me, though, that growing up in Boston, you never personally experienced overt racism?
Marc:Overt once.
Guest:Just once.
Guest:South Boston.
Guest:One time that affected me.
Guest:When this kid, it was a summer camp.
Guest:I think I was 10.
Guest:And this kid called me a nigger.
Guest:This little white kid called me a nigger.
Guest:It was a game he played with me.
Guest:Called me a nigger and ran.
Guest:And I chased him.
Guest:And he ran to where there was adults.
Guest:And I grabbed him.
Guest:And when I put my hands on him,
Guest:um he screamed like banshee you know and uh and i got thrown out of camp i'm like he called me a nigger it's like so i learned a lesson what did you learn i learned that i uh yeah right that yeah nigger like i learned that yeah
Guest:A lot of things I learned about racism that you don't learn unless you live in a place like Boston.
Guest:Boston's the worst.
Guest:It's the worst.
Guest:You can't learn it down south because in a weird way, living down south, you actually have a... It's actually a great...
Guest:You know, back in the day, I get sprayed by a hose.
Marc:I actually did a line where I said, down south there's an ignorance that runs so deep it actually has integrity.
Guest:There's a history to it.
Guest:Yes.
Guest:It is, hey, nigger, and you go, hey, white boy.
Marc:Right.
Guest:And then here's what I'm gonna do to you.
Guest:Here's what you better hope I don't.
Marc:It's out.
Marc:It's not covert.
Guest:It's historical.
Marc:It's exactly what it is.
Marc:It's historical.
Marc:Whereas in Boston, it's all fucking suppressed.
Marc:I've never seen a city hide its black people like Boston.
Guest:And then when you learn certain things, look, like the bussing thing, look, here's what I learned out of all of this time that they wouldn't teach you, that I don't understand why they won't teach you, is the bussing.
Guest:The Boston bussing problem was this.
Guest:They teach me as a Boston black kid, I hate white people and that's what I'm supposed to do.
Guest:They're racist, they this, they that.
Guest:But but what it is, is it was a design condition that that poor white folks and poor black folks couldn't fight.
Guest:It was it was certain people on working on a higher level.
Guest:The Boston South Boston High was a civil servants exam school.
Guest:It taught you how to be a cop, how to be a fireman, how to be an EMT.
Guest:It taught you how to pass the civil service exam.
Guest:That's all it did.
Guest:So what it did, it didn't prepare you for college.
Guest:It prepared you to work as a fireman.
Guest:That's why it was all these Irish firemen, all these Irish policemen, you know, all these times.
Guest:It was all mixed, man.
Guest:And when they stopped busting these niggas in, they were busting out.
Guest:Jobs so now it's gonna be some nigga cops and something that you know cops with a family business so it's politics and and and power yes You look at you look at the Kennedys, you know, but at the end of the day I learned a lesson after that I said I'm not if I can if I can
Guest:And I think this slowed me down a lot mentally, man.
Guest:And then I got in trouble with the law when I was young.
Guest:And I learned something about anger.
Guest:Statutory.
Guest:I had a statutory rape thing when I was like I was 17.
Guest:And me and my friends, you know, fuck this girl.
Guest:And and then this is a long story short to be a long story.
Guest:So but basically.
Guest:me and my friends hanging out bumped into two girls my mother was out of town so I had the house to myself and you know we brought them back and we had a good time and you know dropped them everybody seemed to be happy afterwards you know you don't know about not kissing and telling you know when you're young you're like hey man oh we had a great time this girl sucked dick that we basically were doing a porno and so we told the wrong people and those people said ooh
Guest:All right.
Guest:I know that girl.
Guest:So instead of like just saying, just taking advantage of the fact that she was just a natural hoe and doing a little work, it was like, hey, I heard what you did in Boston.
Guest:Why don't you do it to me?
Guest:Well, I'm going to tell everybody.
Guest:So so they did it.
Guest:And she's like, I mean, fair to her.
Guest:You know, she had she had she had to protect herself.
Guest:And she's just like crying and emotional about what's now imminent.
Guest:Like, what is everybody going to come fucking blackmailing me for getting their dick sucked?
Guest:So she cried to her brother and said, oh, man, I got raped today.
Guest:And her brother went to go fuck these people up.
Guest:And then as that's going on, he's fucking.
Guest:This is a week after or two weeks after we was messing with.
Guest:So after, you know, after that situation,
Guest:And she's like, oh, OK, I got raped today.
Guest:And then it's like, oh, I got raped last week, too.
Guest:So how old was she?
Guest:Fifteen.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Fifteen to seventeen.
Guest:But I went to jail for that.
Guest:But I always it was a weird thing.
Marc:How long were you in jail?
Marc:Two months.
Guest:Sixty days.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:Because it was like I had I got lucky.
Guest:It was it was it's weird.
Guest:I have this on my record, but I got lucky in terms of this.
Guest:It's Suffolk County.
Guest:And I know guys that have gone to jail for the rest of their lives.
Guest:I happen to have bad lawyers, but a great judge.
Marc:In jail, what was that like?
Guest:It was more fear than... They send us to a place called Concord.
Guest:The MCI Concord was very dangerous because it was, I guess, you see Star Wars, right?
Guest:It was like, you know that planet that... Yeah.
Guest:where everybody was hanging before they went to go off into the other shit in the solar system, playing the band.
Guest:Where you from?
Guest:I'm from the Mogo system.
Guest:MCI Conquer was like that.
Guest:It was like murderers, arsonists, fucking gamblers, everybody from the worst crime to the least was sent there.
Marc:Did they send people who didn't have long sentences there?
Guest:That's what I'm saying.
Guest:So guys who were actually sentenced to 60 days were sent there.
Guest:Kids.
Guest:And it was my worst nightmare, meaning I was not a jail guy, man.
Guest:I just wasn't a jail.
Guest:I was like, this was, I don't even know what the biggest, it's like.
Guest:Well, how'd you handle it?
Guest:What went down?
Marc:Did it get fucking bad?
Guest:I'm a big guy.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And I'm a funny guy.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I mean, I was funny.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:And I was big.
Guest:So the biggest thing was that I had a rape beef over my head.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And the idea is that, you know, those guys get a bad time in jail.
Guest:And I'm like, oh, man, what's going to happen?
Guest:I mean, you got to understand I was not fit for that.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:I don't think anybody is.
Guest:Some people are.
Guest:Some people are prepared to go to jail for things that they do.
Guest:Gangsters are ready for no.
Marc:No, I get what you're saying to be a kid in jail.
Guest:Yeah, I mean I was a kid dude.
Guest:I mean and you know whatever I mean so When I get there
Guest:I'm not trying to be hard because I know I'm not hard, but I'm just trying to be right.
Guest:And I'm just trying to go, oh, man, don't fuck.
Guest:I'm hurt.
Guest:I don't know what's going on in jail, man.
Guest:I don't know.
Guest:But I did all my soul search because he sentenced us.
Guest:It was weird.
Guest:He he was doing us a favor.
Guest:But the only thing he did really wrong was it's I'm an adult and it's on my record for the rest of my life.
Guest:And people, unlike murder, it's like murder, there's a story.
Guest:Like you go, I went to jail for murder.
Guest:What happened?
Guest:I was fighting a guy and his head hit the hydrant.
Guest:And he was like, oh, okay.
Guest:There's stories.
Guest:You hear rape, you go, oh, God, he took pussy.
Guest:You go, wait, no, there's levels.
Marc:The story is just a lie already.
Marc:Whatever the story is, it's got to be pissed.
Guest:No, no, wait.
Guest:I was 17 and my dick went into a 15-year-old now.
Guest:The rest of the story is the story, but I didn't go to jail for taking pussy.
Guest:Now, whatever mental, there's all kind of mental shit that can happen.
Guest:to a woman under even any circumstance, whether she gives it up or not.
Guest:It's like psychologically, I don't know what that effect is.
Guest:I'm not trying to be innocent sexually because I was doing some deviant shit, but it wasn't taking pussy.
Guest:It was having a good time.
Guest:Yeah, whatever, train, whatever, which ultimately in jail, I'm keeping my head low, I'm playing basketball, whatever, I'm just living.
Guest:And so these guys, these guys that kind of had a heavy rap and they were there because they were transferring these guys to another prison.
Guest:And they all were friends.
Guest:I think they all had did the same crime or some shit.
Guest:They were tough guys.
Guest:They were all named after southern states and shit.
Guest:It was these guys.
Guest:White guys?
Guest:Black guys.
Guest:No, it wasn't.
Guest:I don't answer the white guys if you're black in prison.
Guest:White people, we played ball together, but what you did was you, plus Concord was the place where it wasn't a, those gangsters were there, but it wasn't a whole lot of gangster shit because people were being assessed on where they were going next.
Guest:So you either could go to Walpole, see the junction,
Guest:or you could go to fucking Knoxbury Farm.
Marc:Right, holding station.
Guest:Holding station.
Guest:So these guys, they said, look, what's going on with you, man?
Guest:I go, what?
Guest:I go, oh, man, what's...
Guest:He goes, they go, well, what you in for?
Guest:I go, well, this is the title of my crime.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And they go, and they walk, and they're making me walk around the yard with them.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And I'm like, oh, God, they're going to probably walk me to this blind spot here, and they're going to do something.
Guest:Oh, God.
Guest:They go, oh, man, talk.
Guest:They used to call me Heavy D. Yeah.
Guest:And Heavy D, hey, man, come here, Heavy D. Let me talk to you for a second.
Guest:so it's like four of them we're just walking around the yard and I go well I did this and this happened and then boom and then they go after like two walks around they go you in here for pulling a motherfucking train you in there and they go everybody in this motherfucker did that shit and you in jail for that shit you in jail for doing what motherfucking niggas do
Guest:And I go, yeah.
Guest:And they just, they said, they gave me a pass.
Guest:They go, look, don't let me ever hear you locked up.
Guest:Thank you.
Guest:Ever since then, life got better.
Guest:But then I had a friend, life didn't get better because he, the nightmare of jail got to him mentally.
Guest:and he never could get out of it.
Guest:He wouldn't take a shower and he... Who, this guy?
Guest:My co-defendant, as they would say.
Guest:The kid?
Guest:My friend, my best friend.
Marc:The 15-year-old or the other guy?
Guest:There were three of you.
Guest:It was five of us.
Guest:Five guys, two girls.
Guest:And the other girl didn't put up any charges.
Guest:My friend, and they would call him my co-defendant.
Guest:He thought he was going to get raped in the shower every day.
Guest:Every day was rape in the shower.
Guest:He couldn't.
Marc:When he was there?
Guest:When we were both there at the same time.
Guest:And did it happen?
Guest:It's just like you go there and all you've been watching is MSNBC.
Guest:Sure.
Guest:Someone's going to shank me in my neck.
Guest:So you just wear every day.
Guest:You just wear a fucking phone book collar because you go somebody's going to.
Guest:And it's like, dude, take off that phone book.
Guest:No, no, I won't take it off.
Guest:Someone's going to stab me in my neck.
Guest:He would always think someone's going to get him and he wouldn't shower.
Guest:And these guys, man, they want their lives.
Guest:There's guys in there.
Guest:And look, just because I'm in there for 60 days doesn't make me less angry about it because you're in there for 25 years.
Guest:But I do know.
Guest:A guy in for 60 days, you make a guy that's in for 25 years happy.
Guest:You deal with your shit differently than that guy.
Guest:And he was in a position where he smells really bad in front of...
Guest:Guys that are doing 25 years have to live every day.
Guest:No one wants to see it You know so I could see goes tell your co-defendant they keep saying my co-defendant.
Guest:So I said I'm like man dude like you gotta I'm not gonna say his name.
Guest:Yeah, but he's I'm like man you gotta take a shower man these guys here Come on man.
Guest:He goes fuck you man.
Guest:You act like you like it in here.
Guest:I go no, but I'm saying like you can take a shower Like take a fucking shower man.
Guest:They're gonna kill you.
Guest:You know you start throwing piss on them and and
Guest:They started throwing piss on him?
Guest:Yeah, to make him take a shower.
Guest:He wouldn't take a shower.
Guest:Eventually, it became torturous.
Guest:It was torture for him for at least 45 of the 60 days.
Guest:Things have been right since.
Guest:The next time I seen him after we got out, he came to my house with a fur coat.
Guest:He had a fur coat and
Guest:And, like, it was, like, boxer trunks and shoes.
Guest:It was weird.
Guest:And he was talking about what if Jesus was something other than being Jesus?
Guest:Like, what if Jesus was a pimp, man, you know?
Marc:So he snapped.
Guest:He snapped.
Guest:And, you know, you talk about...
Guest:In terms of trying to have my mind deal with feeling like a victim, you know, feeling like my life has been really ruined.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I go, OK, look, it's it's God's design.
Guest:And this is this is what I came up with to help me.
Guest:One, if I was a 15 year old girl and that was happened to me, I might do the same thing that helped me.
Guest:I go, OK, two.
Guest:I could have been in there for 10 years because the crime of statutory, you can get 10 years, period.
Guest:I got 60 days with one year probation and I was done.
Marc:So your boy, though, he got fucked up and he never fucking bounced back.
Guest:He never bounced back.
Guest:This is my best friend when I was a kid.
Marc:It's weird.
Marc:It's interesting because he did it to himself and that you know your system of thinking that your ability to put things in perspective as bizarre as it may be In terms of how you make an understanding for your life.
Guest:He was not able to do that and I wasn't able to do that either I naturally was able to do it, but I wasn't match I wasn't able to deliver it as a mental place, you know, right to him and
Guest:to anybody, even to myself.
Guest:I just naturally, because I didn't have a father, which was a whole other story, I always kind of recently, I just realized I didn't have a father.
Guest:I always got through and didn't care.
Guest:But I recently said, wow, this is what you need a father for.
Guest:You need a better man when you don't have any more understanding of how to fabricate how to be a man.
Guest:So but the last part of how I stopped from hating this girl and not victimized is that I go, look, there's a lot of women who get raped, you know, that the definition of it, humanity taken from them like that.
Guest:And.
Guest:I think that it's God's way of evening out, meaning if women have to walk around and live the idea that a motherfucker might jump from behind a bush and with a knife to the neck and say, give me your pussy against the wall.
Guest:God has to even it out by saying some of us will get charged with rape and didn't do it.
Guest:So essentially in the theory of balancing out, I got raped because it's like, but I was involved.
Guest:It's not like I was just walking down the street whistling and a bitch just go, he raped me.
Guest:It's more or less, I didn't take pussy, but...
Guest:I got in trouble and have that word attached to my life.
Guest:And I could have, if they wanted to take it to that place, possibly they could have just been like, you took it.
Guest:We think you took it.
Guest:I was lucky that it was statutory and basically I got through life and I didn't have to learn any more lessons.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:but I'm still kind of living that thing for the rest of my life.
Guest:But for the rest of a woman's life, it follows her.
Guest:If that happens to her, if a rape happens to her.
Guest:So I know it seems crazy, but I'm saying it's a balance of what can happen to me as a dude, like a woman.
Guest:God didn't make it so a woman could jump out a bush and go, give me your dick against your will and you not laugh.
Guest:You know, it's...
Guest:The only way we can see how serious it is.
Marc:But it's interesting because it provided you with a little insight and some sensitivity to women.
Guest:Absolutely.
Guest:When I talk shit, let me tell you, man.
Guest:Ultimately, I...
Guest:I love my mother, man.
Guest:This is so condescending.
Guest:The shit I say about women is based on how bad I feel for what they are.
Guest:It's a sad creature.
Guest:They bleed every month.
Guest:They sit down to pee.
Guest:How vulnerable do you feel when you sit down to pee for whatever reason?
Marc:I really thought this was going to go a different direction.
Guest:You really, you really, right?
Guest:This is why you love your mother?
Guest:I love my mother because I grew up with no dad, right?
Guest:She's my mother and my father.
Guest:He just was, look, he was not there like anybody, whatever reason.
Marc:Did you ever find him?
Guest:Why would I?
Guest:I didn't want to find him, no.
Guest:Because you know why?
Guest:I realized what, look, a father is a... Out of curiosity, you see what you... Not even, I'll tell you why.
Guest:I just realized learning, I got denied entry to Montreal recently because of that.
Guest:I've been to Montreal a million times, but for some reason, now with all these computers and everything, it's just like they're not telling a story.
Guest:It ain't a book.
Guest:It's just you've been charged with this and boom, and you went to jail for that.
Guest:Went to try to do Montreal this year, and they turned me back.
Guest:So on the way back, I was driving things.
Guest:I was hallucinating.
Guest:The rape thing?
Guest:Yes.
Guest:Shit.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Um, so, you know, I'm driving back and mentally, uh, I had, uh, reached almost the, the, the, the acne of my madness that I had on my own.
Guest:And I, and I,
Marc:Driving?
Marc:What do you mean?
Marc:When you're driving back, you're hallucinating.
Guest:I'm hallucinating.
Guest:I'm thinking of things.
Guest:I'm thinking of one of my pets that I love that got killed.
Guest:I'm thinking about I'm feeling sorry for myself.
Guest:I'm thinking, oh, man, it's just...
Guest:Why do I need it?
Guest:Why?
Guest:Why?
Guest:You know, I'm starting to think about God like, you know, really, you know, my mother is telling me, saying things to me like she's being motherly.
Guest:She's saying, you know, hey, look, God takes things away from you.
Guest:So your hands are empty to hold better things.
Guest:And, you know, all of that kind of advice stuff.
Guest:And I broke down like the next day.
Guest:I got home, woke up, talked to my mother, was talking to my mother, and I realized that I don't have a father.
Guest:I realize what a father is, it's an older man who just loves you and gives a shit.
Guest:And men, when you fall, men say, get up now.
Guest:Then you see what's injured.
Guest:But a woman, my mother wants to heal me, stay down forever.
Guest:Check your wound.
Guest:Let me see what's injured.
Guest:Then let's get you up.
Guest:But let's make sure you don't get up first because you could be hurting more if you get up now.
Guest:A father.
Guest:I just never had an adult man older than me that could just I could just look at like this is my mentor.
Guest:I started getting emotional.
Guest:I'm getting emotional now because I went my whole life.
Marc:This was recently.
Marc:This is like last week.
Marc:This is last week.
Marc:Just now.
Guest:40 years old and I realized at 40 the concept of what a father was and that I didn't have it my whole life.
Guest:And it's been killing me.
Guest:Like when I first learned, I finally learned that because I was always trying to be logical to what a... Look, let me tell you, it's easy to not be in a child's life.
Guest:A sperm could go on the floor.
Guest:It's in you.
Guest:If you come inside of a bitch you don't care about,
Guest:It's the same thing as coming on the floor.
Guest:So if you come inside of a woman that you don't want to be with.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And she goes, I'm pregnant.
Guest:You go, well, you know, sperm, bitch.
Guest:So I realized anybody could be my father.
Guest:I didn't have even a father figure, a mentor.
Guest:I was raised by other men that I watched.
Guest:Right.
Marc:People you picked that you identified with.
Guest:That I just watched and said, he's cool, let me try to copy what he is.
Marc:But in that conversation with your mother, I mean, was it sadness or anger?
Guest:It was sadness for her.
Guest:It was sadness for me.
Guest:It was sadness to...
Guest:Because I have a lot of issues with God.
Guest:I really desperately want to believe in God.
Guest:I desperately want to believe in and I go for what I want out of life.
Guest:And this makes I know this seems a bullshit, but I just want I'm the only one in my life of people that that I that can I'm the only unless somebody hits a lottery.
Guest:I'm the only one for about seven or eight people that could help elevate life because I'm in show business and I've been in it 18 years.
Guest:My mother works and she's going to work till she dies unless I make it.
Guest:My one of my good friends, he works and he's going to work till he dies.
Guest:My girl, she has a show business heart, but her kid, a couple of comics that are good friends of mine.
Guest:It's like, if it ain't me, dude, it ain't going to be nobody.
Guest:I just want that.
Guest:I just want it for them.
Guest:I always thought to myself, I could change now.
Guest:I could go, okay, well, I'm going to take it in the ass.
Guest:Like they say you're supposed to in show business.
Guest:I'm going to take it in the fucking ass.
Marc:Do whatever is necessary.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And if I take it in my ass now at 40 and realize and realize that it wasn't.
Guest:It's like this ain't so bad.
Guest:I take it in my ass.
Guest:I got a two million dollar check.
Guest:My mother got a house and my ass is it ain't even that.
Guest:It's just right in my ass.
Guest:It's not even hurting.
Guest:that I'm going to be even more miserable because I should have been some... I didn't have enough sense or a mentor to say, take it in your ass at 20.
Guest:So I'm going to go, if I'm wrong now, I can't live with myself.
Guest:I got to ride this out.
Guest:I got to ride this out.
Guest:I got to ride it out.
Guest:And I don't know if it's going to pan out.
Guest:And I really would love for it to pan out.
Guest:But it might not.
Guest:And it made me sad because my mother, she's diabetic and I'm diabetic.
Guest:OK.
Guest:And I cut my my foot.
Guest:And I think this got me emotional, too.
Guest:I cut my foot.
Guest:You know, you cut your foot as a diabetic.
Guest:It's dangerous.
Guest:I cut my foot.
Guest:The ravages of diabetes haven't started truly hitting me hardcore.
Guest:It's starting to hit my mom's feet looking bad.
Guest:She's limping.
Guest:She's breaking down, watching her break down.
Guest:I cut my foot, man, and she...
Guest:she jumped on she just was mom she cared about my fucking feet and i'm looking at her feet you know swelled up and and she just was making sure my feet were okay and i'm just like what what for like like i suck i'm like i suck i go my mother's still looking after my feet and i'm like
Guest:I just want to look after her feet, but I would never motherly be able to look after her feet.
Guest:I can only financially look after her feet.
Guest:Get her the best foot doctor, money's no object medicine, great bed, whatever, techniques out there.
Guest:And that's what I need to do to look after her, but I don't have it like that.
Guest:And this is the only way I'm going to get it.
Guest:And it's just too late for me to, I'm realizing shit too
Guest:Too late.
Guest:Then I'm driving back from Montreal and I'm going, what?
Guest:Did I just realize that I didn't have a father?
Guest:Did I just realize that?
Guest:Just now, yeah.
Guest:What the fuck is that good for?
Guest:Are you fucking serious?
Marc:What a waste of time!
Marc:But that's not true.
Marc:You know, it's interesting just from you talking to me, and I always knew this about you, is that, you know, you're going to parent yourself one way or the other.
Marc:That if you don't, if your parents were inattentive, or they were shitty, or they weren't there, or they were absent, you are going to figure out a way to take care of yourself, and you did.
Marc:And that is what the gift of your brain is, is that all this shit, the way you talk...
Marc:About your life and how you make sense of shit you talk like a father you talk like a guy That's like this is the analogy.
Guest:This is the story that this makes sense, but it's made me very It's made me very logical and it made me very of like pain Yeah emotional pain mark.
Guest:This is where we are stripping down
Guest:The animal part as opposed to stripping down the psychological part, because remember, dude, I've already stripped myself down.
Guest:You strip yourself down because you do too much thinking.
Guest:So you meaning you look at yourself.
Guest:And if I go, you're a this and a that, Mark, you go, was that supposed to hurt me?
Guest:Because I already discussed that with myself.
Guest:I am a this and a that.
Guest:What are you going to do?
Marc:It's still going to hurt me.
Guest:It'll hurt, but you'll go, I don't want to hear it.
Guest:I don't want it affirmed.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:But you're self-aware.
Guest:There's a lot of people aren't self-aware.
Guest:They're sociopaths.
Guest:I'm telling you, I wish I could take it in the ass.
Guest:I tried to take it in the ass in 98, and I realized taking it in the ass hurt my heart.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I wish I can steal jokes and and buy my mother a house based on the fact that I stole.
Guest:I stole not only jokes.
Guest:It's not like you stole knock knock jokes.
Guest:You stole essence.
Guest:You stole you took it and you and you and you.
Guest:There's no justice.
Guest:There's nothing in this game of virtue.
Guest:And I've only heard one story ever of virtue that paid off was Chaz Parmentari, where people were interested in Bronx Tale.
Guest:They wanted to do Bronx Tale, but he said, I want to play the role he played.
Guest:He played a...
Guest:The gangster.
Guest:Yeah, the gangster.
Guest:I forgot his name in the movie.
Guest:But he goes, I have to play this.
Guest:And people are like, I'll buy this script for $100,000.
Guest:He's like, can I play it?
Guest:Nope.
Guest:$500,000.
Guest:I just want to play it.
Guest:And he went into the bathroom.
Guest:He said, man, maybe I should do it.
Guest:And he stuck to his guns, and De Niro, he goes, I just want to play the game.
Guest:De Niro goes, play him.
Guest:I'm going to play the bus drive.
Guest:I just want to see this movie made.
Guest:And it panned out, but it's like, is that like the lottery?
Guest:Meaning he hit the righteous lottery, and everybody else is trying to scratch the righteous lottery ticket.
Marc:A little bit of luck, right?
Guest:And I'm like, I just want to.
Guest:I don't want to be wrong forever.
Guest:I just want to, you know, look, I think in this business, you only got about four or five times to get on the amusement ride.
Guest:You know, maybe I think I've been on the ride twice.
Guest:And when you get off the ride, you got to get back in line and go, if I want to ride this ride again.
Guest:I got a standing line.
Guest:It's a long line.
Guest:And the thing about the roller coaster is it's interesting.
Guest:It clicks up.
Guest:The click up is just great.
Guest:I feel it.
Guest:People are excited.
Guest:Yeah, they see me.
Guest:They see I'm clicking up.
Guest:They see I'm wanting to come up.
Guest:They feel good.
Guest:It's feeling right.
Guest:And then...
Guest:The first time you're on the ride, you go, okay, what do I do?
Guest:Then you go, whee, and you hold your hands up, and then all the money flies out your pocket, and then everything's gone.
Guest:When you get off, you go in the ride, and then it does that last little stoppage thing, and you go, everybody off.
Guest:And you go, oh, shit.
Guest:And then there's a long line to get back on.
Guest:And then you're in the back of the line going, this fucking ride ain't even that great.
Guest:And you're like, that was it?
Guest:Am I standing in line?
Guest:And then you go, OK, my second time, I'm going to get in line again.
Guest:I'm going to make this ride better for myself.
Guest:Click, click, click, click.
Guest:OK.
Guest:And then now you got a pilot deal.
Guest:And it clicks up.
Guest:And you go, you're at the top.
Guest:And you go, this time, I'm going to put my head on.
Guest:hands in my pocket and I'm not going to enjoy the ride as much.
Guest:You go down and you're not going wee.
Guest:It's just air ball in your face.
Guest:Hold on to your money.
Guest:Then you stop again and it's just like you've got a little more money but you didn't have any fun.
Guest:Now you're in line again.
Guest:waiting and you're behind a fucking cocksucker you know who's doing your act can i get in front of you you're a fucking cocksucker and then i don't know if i get on the ride again dude i'm probably not gonna get back on but i don't i'm waiting all right well let's see if we both get on the ride thanks for talking to me patrice all right man
Marc:That was interesting and deep, and I hope you got a lot out of that.
Marc:I hope it aggravated some of you.
Marc:It made some of you go, that's fucking awesome.
Marc:I hope you had all of those experiences.
Marc:And I'm glad you're listening to my show.
Marc:Please go to WTFPod.com and get what you need there.
Marc:You can get your JustCoffee.coop.
Marc:You got a link to PunchlineMagazine.com over there.
Marc:Please get on the mailing list.
Marc:I've been very diligent about doing that.
Marc:And I guess because I'm so fucking proud of myself for actually doing it, I want you all to be part of that.
Marc:You can also kick a few bucks, kick a few shekels into the hat for WTF.
Marc:If you'd like, also, as you know, the premium episodes are up at WTFPodShop.com.
Marc:I appreciate you listening, and I love doing the show.
Marc:Anybody want Tic Tac?
Marc:They didn't pay for that promo.
Marc:I've just been eating them.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:All right, you guys.
Marc:I'll talk to you soon.
Bye.
you