Episode 91 - Matt Besser / Ed Krasnick / Jim Earl / Eddie Pepitone
Guest:Lock the gates!
Guest:Are we doing this?
Guest:Really?
Guest:Wait for it.
Guest:Are we doing this?
Guest:Wait for it.
Guest:Pow!
Guest:What the fuck?
Guest:And it's also... Eh, what the fuck?
Guest:What's wrong with me?
Guest:It's time for WTF!
Guest:What the fuck?
Guest:With Mark Maron.
Yeah!
Marc:Okay, let's do this.
Marc:What the fuckers, what the fuck buddies, what the fuckineers, what the fuck nicks.
Marc:Welcome to the UCB Theater in Hollywood, California for Live WTF.
Marc:I'm so fucking glad you people are here.
Marc:Yay!
Marc:I honestly have been, am I just going to get right into it?
Marc:This is a very personal show.
Marc:You know, some of you saw me out here before, wallowing what seemed to be a needy sort of tone that I was establishing for the show.
Marc:Some of you who haven't been here were thinking, why is the host out there preparing in front of us?
Marc:Because the host needs emotional support.
Marc:Do you understand?
Marc:I have been off nicotine now for almost a month.
Marc:Has it been that?
Marc:Is anyone keeping track?
Yeah.
Marc:Not that it's a tremendously big deal, but I'm left with very few resources to feel fucking good now.
Marc:Do you understand what the nature of need is?
Marc:I was on nicotine of one form or another for a long time.
Marc:I've talked about this on the show before, but I had no idea.
Marc:What I didn't realize is just beneath all that nicotine was a festering pit of sad, angry fucking insanity.
Right?
Marc:I don't care what anybody says.
Marc:If you smoke, know what you're hiding.
Marc:What you are hiding is a monster that resides in your balls and is just waiting to climb up into you and out of your mouth and say things that sound like Mel Gibson.
Marc:Do you understand?
Marc:What Nicotine was hiding in me was something I thought I had resolved a long time ago, and that is a deep resentment towards all things.
Marc:Including my friends.
Marc:And so I was festering in that.
Marc:And also, conversely, because of the anger and stuff, what's really happening is a tremendous amount of sadness and insecurity, as you probably know.
Marc:And the...
Marc:I'm feeling that from you because literally a vacuum has been created next to you.
Marc:People could have taken that seat, but they sense something in you, which I sense in you as well.
Marc:But see, it doesn't frighten me.
Marc:I see you as a kindred spirit.
Marc:I am a man with three empty seats that I've had to cajole people into appearing in.
Marc:They don't know what they're going to get into here.
Marc:They don't know where I'm at.
Marc:Do you understand what I'm saying, friend?
Marc:Okay.
Okay.
Marc:So I'm sitting at home today doing my work, you know, doing my social networking, planning my trip.
Marc:Planning a trip for me now that I've been home three weeks.
Marc:I've got to go to Minneapolis to do a show.
Marc:So thank you.
Marc:Thank you for what?
Marc:For me leaving?
Marc:Are you from there?
Marc:Oh, okay.
Marc:It wasn't just sort of like, he's going away.
Marc:But here's how I prepare now.
Marc:I wake up, and I know I've got to leave tomorrow to fly out early, so here's the beginning of the preparation.
Marc:Oh, this is going to fucking suck.
Marc:That's phase one.
Marc:Like, I wonder if I even sold any fucking tickets.
Marc:That's phase two of the preparation.
Marc:Phase three is like, I don't even know what my hour is anymore, and most of the people know my shit already.
Marc:Why the fuck am I even going?
Marc:All right, so those are the first phases, the three phases of me preparing to leave town.
Marc:Okay.
Marc:And then this is what happens.
Marc:Oh, God damn it.
Marc:I need to jerk off now.
Marc:So that was the fourth phase, where I'd gone through phase one, two, and three, and I was sitting at my computer, and I was like, I have no choice.
Marc:I have no nicotine.
Marc:It's time to masturbate.
Marc:So... Is this too candid?
No.
Marc:Does this happen to most people?
Marc:I don't know where you people come from, but I've been masturbating daily since I was 12.
Marc:All right, so if that's not normal, you can all go fuck yourself.
Marc:If I go a week or two without, it's on purpose as an experiment.
Marc:I'll show her.
Marc:This ought to be a surprise.
Marc:How much is going to come out?
Guest:What the fuck is wrong with me?
Marc:It's the nicotine, right?
Marc:I'm glad it's coming out happy and sad as opposed to like...
Marc:So I'm jerking off at the table.
Marc:Like, for some reason, I've gotten my risk.
Marc:I like to take risks, but because of my life at this point in time, they're very ridiculous.
Marc:Like, now a risk for me is, like, I'm going to leave the door open and, you know, I'll have the curtains out because it's hot, and I'm going to jerk off right at my kitchen table.
Marc:Right here in the kitchen where I got my computer going.
Marc:And for some reason, I ended up on... I only do free porn.
Marc:I don't download anything because it seems more spontaneous like that.
Marc:Like, what's going to happen?
Marc:Um...
Marc:You know, you watch a few minutes, like, I don't like what's happening here.
Marc:Maybe something else will be happening over in this box.
Marc:So I ended up on some vintage porn, some vintage threesome shot on film, and it had the ridiculous music that people, the hackneyed music that you don't really hear anymore, but is in every hack joke about porn.
Marc:It was actually had that music, you know?
Marc:And I'm listening to it, and I'm starting to jerk off at the table, and the guy who's building my deck shows up.
Marc:Like, if you're gonna get busted, why did Ernie have to bust me?
Marc:You know what I mean?
Marc:Like...
Marc:He didn't say anything, but then I had the awkward, like, you know, when I did finish and walk out, I was like, good job on the deck.
Marc:It's looking good.
Marc:Oh, by the way, I've been, I ended up, as you know, most of you, I broke up with the dominatrix, okay, a while back.
Marc:Because I just, it wasn't good.
Marc:And so I've been dating somebody else, and I think this is really going to work out.
Marc:She's crazy.
Marc:She's 27, and it's completely full of drama and hostility.
Marc:And I can't tell you how excited I am about it.
Marc:I think that we had our first mature conversation yesterday about trust, you know, because she knows a lot about me.
Marc:I don't know much about her, and she kind of stalked me initially.
Marc:And...
Marc:But I thought it went really well.
Marc:You know, it's a new relationship and I'm going on a trip.
Marc:So she very maturely said, look, I want you to know that if you fuck anyone while you're away, I'm going to fuck people you know.
Marc:And I thought that's a fine way to sort of establish boundaries and let me know what's up.
Marc:Oh, I want to say hi to my buddy Scott, who's back here.
Marc:This guy, this is a weird thing.
Marc:You don't need to stand up or anything, but I get an email from a guy named Scott, and he's like, dude, it looks like you're doing okay.
Marc:Do you remember me?
Marc:I used to work at the Horseshoe in San Francisco.
Marc:Do you guys know San Francisco?
Marc:The horseshoe was on Upper Haight.
Marc:It was a coffee shop.
Marc:It was one of those centers of chaos and freakdom that just sat in the middle of a large capital of fucking freakiness.
Marc:It was one of those vortexes where you'd go in, they served coffee in pint glasses, and you'd put brown sugar in it and just get jacked up on coffee all day, smoke cigarettes, and watch fucking lunatics come in and out.
Marc:This guy worked there, and I didn't even know his last name until today.
Marc:He emailed me, and he's still alive.
Marc:He made it out.
Marc:He was a musician but thought better of it.
Marc:And went back to school and is now a teacher.
Marc:Congratulations, Scott.
Marc:Can I ask you a question?
Marc:Yeah, good for you.
Marc:Can I ask you a question about a dude that used to hang out there?
Marc:Do you remember that big fucking crazy fuck?
Marc:Like, no, the dude that was like nine feet tall, and he was like... Do you remember his name Victor or something?
Marc:What was his name?
Marc:What?
Marc:Brian.
Marc:Okay, there was something fucking wrong with that guy, right?
Yeah.
Marc:He tried to kill you a couple of times.
Marc:Well, here's what I learned a big lesson from a small lesbian girl that day.
Marc:Her...
Marc:This girl who I was hanging out with, her name was Dragon, and she was pretty intense, right?
Marc:And it was me and Dragon and some other cat who's not important, who was sitting at the table, right?
Marc:And that dude, Brian, walks by, and he had playing cards with him for some reason, and he's holding out the ace of spades, right?
Marc:And, of course, I'm trying to... I said, like, wow, death card.
Marc:And then he takes his ring, which is a sharp thing, and he holds it right up to my head, and he says, I could fucking kill you right now.
Marc:Right now.
Marc:And it was one of those moments where you don't really say anything.
Marc:You just kind of ride it out.
Marc:And he didn't kill me.
Marc:And he walked away.
Marc:And this girl dragon looks at me and goes, you know, Mark, not every man is your father.
Marc:You don't have to reach out and try to bond with every crazy fuck that walks by.
Marc:That was fucking deep.
Marc:All right, let's... Oh, I remember what you said.
Marc:The exterminator, he asked me about my aunts.
Marc:I had to have the exterminators come back today because there were more aunts.
Marc:And I don't know if I talked about this on the podcast, but the exterminator who came before, two months ago, left his clipboard at my house, which meant that I could go exterminate if I felt like it because I had the proper cards to give away and I just had to find a shirt that would look appropriate.
Marc:But...
Marc:But two days ago, I opened up the clipboard because it was a clipboard that had like a folder to it.
Marc:And there was a fucking prayer inside the clipboard.
Marc:And it was called... I looked it up because I didn't bring it, but I wanted to bring it.
Marc:And he reminded me.
Marc:It was called Warrior Prayer.
Marc:And it was literally a prayer that this guy obviously went to, you know, in those doubtful times where he didn't know if he could overcome the termites.
Marc:Or... If he didn't know that this ant problem was going to be just too much and he might have needed a little extra Jesus to...
Marc:to rise above those ants.
Marc:Heavenly Father, I bow and worship and praise before you.
Marc:I cover myself with the blood of the Lord Jesus Christ as my protection.
Marc:This dude has got a serious bug problem.
Marc:I surrender myself completely and unreservedly in every area of my life to you.
Marc:And then it goes, gets good.
Marc:And then he says, I take a stand against all the workings of Satan
Marc:That would hinder me in my prayer life.
Marc:I address myself only to the true and living God and refuse any involvement of Satan in my prayer.
Marc:Now, all I thought was like, oh, my God, ants are satanic.
Marc:Like, so I started thinking about gnats and ants and termites.
Marc:And I'm like, this guy's on to something.
Marc:Those are the armies of Satan.
Marc:They're the ones that are going to win because we're going to be gone.
Marc:It's just going to be them.
Marc:That's how Satan wins.
Marc:With bugs.
Marc:Not with bad people.
Marc:With bugs.
Marc:Okay, a few emails.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Two about dreams for some reason.
Marc:A WTF moment.
Marc:This is from Brian.
Marc:A week or so ago, I dozed off sitting in a lawn chair in my backyard after listening to one of the recent broadcasts.
Marc:While sleeping, I had a dream that I was in a grocery store and on the shelf, I saw Marc Maron brand macaroni and cheese.
Marc:What the fuck?
Marc:What was in my head that made it dream that up?
Marc:To make matters worse, I actually bought some, and God only knows what kind of shit Mark puts in that stuff.
Marc:This WTF moment brought to you by a sweeping in the hot sun.
Marc:Brian.
Marc:Brian, I don't know what to tell you.
Marc:I thought that would be funnier.
Marc:Nice try, though, buddy.
Marc:This one's pretty good, though.
Marc:Okay?
Marc:I'll get a good one.
Marc:We'll get a good one.
Marc:Hi, Mark.
Marc:This is holy shit, WTF.
Marc:Hi Mark, not sure if I regret sending this, but I had a WTF moment indirectly involving you.
Marc:Last night I was in a seedy bar listening to a mediocre local band do some really shitty cover songs.
Marc:Quite a sentence.
Marc:I guess my brain went to your bit, quote, maybe it's time to get the band together, unquote, wondering if that's what these guys went through.
Marc:Then somehow that thought landed you in my dream.
Marc:We were in a hotel bar and I decided to have sex.
Marc:Oh wait, we were in a hotel bar and decided to have sex.
Marc:As a collector, we both did that.
Marc:But you said that I had to sleep with your buddy as well.
Marc:Without even seeing him, I said, okay, let's go.
Marc:We went in your hotel room and I was about to have sex with you.
Marc:Then I asked if you had a condom.
Marc:You'd already had one on, but I looked down and there was the condom, but then had a plastic trash bag wrapped around your dick as well because you wanted to be extra cautious.
Marc:I'll say that's cautious.
Marc:What does that say about her?
Marc:I was kind of freaked out and decided to go see what your buddy looked like.
Marc:I turned around and it was a 12-year-old boy.
Guest:I asked him, I asked him, how old are you?
Marc:To which he responded, I will be 13 next month, but this was all Maren's idea.
Marc:Then I said, what the fuck, and left the hotel.
Marc:Really fucking creepy, right?
Marc:Love the show, Melissa.
Marc:Yeah, it was creepy.
Marc:What about this?
Marc:Dear Marc Maron, I've listened to every episode, some of them more than once.
Marc:I would say I'm your biggest fan, but sometimes I forget how dark and horrible a lot of these things that you talk about are.
Marc:I feel like I'm going through such a phase right now and it's hard to have the wisdom and humility you seem to have about it.
Marc:Today I was just about let down by everyone when the opportunity came to where someone, unbeknownst to him, could have really helped me feel better.
Marc:I was to the point where I couldn't even respond.
Marc:I was so irritated at everything.
Marc:I just scoffed at everything.
Marc:They said, what the fuck?
Marc:Then I let myself down.
Marc:The rest of the night was me trying to find out where my hateful mind could exist in this city.
Marc:I rode my bike up and down the streets, pouring sweat, listening to breakbeats, looking for anybody to take my anger out on.
Marc:I even stooped as low as thinking about beating the shit out of a homeless guy under a bridge.
Marc:Later, I was hoping for a cop to stop me to try to write me a ticket for not having a bike light just so I could bike away in hopes that he'd chase after me.
Marc:I did this until 2.30 in the a.m., just venting.
Marc:None of this is characteristic of me.
Marc:I don't even like techno.
Marc:That was so worth it.
Marc:Right there in the middle.
Marc:Highlighted.
Marc:I mean, it goes on.
Marc:He asks for help, but there's no reason to go on with that.
Marc:Okay, this is it.
Marc:Now we'll bring Matt out.
Marc:Okay, dude.
Marc:I just had a serious WTF moment.
Marc:I bought some of the WTF blend coffee from justcoffee.coop because I needed something dark and powerful to keep myself awake at night.
Marc:I worked nights.
Marc:I moved my first pot yesterday and proceeded to enjoy it as I sat at my desk trying to work through the night's workload.
Marc:After about 30 minutes and two cups in, I was really moving and working like a good drone when my stomach rumbled.
Marc:Thinking nothing of it, I continued to work until I had that familiar grumble that alarms me of a fart.
Marc:Come on, man.
Marc:Fart on paper?
Marc:Come on, dude.
Marc:Being as I was alone in the office, I decided to let nature take its course.
Marc:Mistake.
Marc:After a few seconds, I realized that the warm fart feeling hadn't diminished.
Marc:It was then that I thought, holy shit, I just shit my pants.
Marc:It was horrible, dude.
Marc:Thank God I was alone in the office.
Marc:I washed myself off and threw my boxers in the dumpster.
Marc:Fucking pow is right, man.
Marc:I literally shit my pants.
Marc:I think I'll wear diapers for my next pot.
Marc:Good stuff.
Marc:Later, Steve.
Marc:And, of course, you can get WTF Blend Coffee at WTFPod.com from JustCoffee.coop, and I'll give away a few bags right now.
Marc:Yay!
Marc:Okay, over there.
Marc:Beautiful.
Marc:That's WTF Blend.
Marc:It was in my freezer.
Marc:but it should be fine.
Marc:Enjoy that.
Marc:Now let's bring out our first guest.
Marc:It's my pleasure to bring out the proprietor of the place that you're sitting in.
Marc:I don't know if I can call him that, because I don't know how it works, but I'm going to find out.
Marc:He is the master of the UCB.
Marc:Please welcome Matt Besser to the stage.
Marc:Hi, buddy.
Guest:Hey, everybody.
Guest:Covered in the blood of the Lord for you tonight.
Guest:Oh, thank God you are.
Guest:How's that feel?
Guest:Is that really what he said?
Guest:Covered in the blood of the Lord?
Marc:Well, that's the prayer.
Marc:That's the warrior's prayer that he had.
Marc:And I don't want to mock him.
Marc:Maybe find some peace in that.
Marc:It made me think about the ants in a different way.
Marc:Not so much him because he didn't come back for his clipboard.
Marc:So either my ants were particularly frightening to him or he didn't give a fuck.
Guest:Those are the Lord's ants.
Guest:You can't get rid of ants, Mark.
Guest:Maybe termites, not ants.
Guest:You can't get rid of them?
Guest:Are you serious?
Guest:No.
Guest:Do you have them?
Guest:You're leaving your food out or something.
Guest:I have cat food that I leave out.
Marc:That's it.
Marc:Gotta get rid of the cats.
Guest:Gotta get a cat exterminator first.
Guest:That would be my ex-wife.
Marc:My ex-wife, when my cat was pissing in our house, as opposed to just putting him outside, she said, let's just put him to sleep.
Marc:I think I've talked about that before.
Marc:As a Jew, I knew who was next, and I knew what kind of sentiment.
Marc:And I realized I was perhaps married to the wrong woman.
Marc:Aye, aye, aye.
Marc:Are you married?
Marc:I am.
Marc:When did that happen?
Guest:For two years.
Guest:Really?
Marc:Yes.
Marc:Is it going all right?
Marc:It's going great.
Marc:Do you have a house and everything?
Guest:Yeah, kind of.
Guest:Babies?
Guest:Any babies?
Guest:No.
Guest:No?
Guest:Are you going to do that?
Guest:I am.
Guest:I'm working up the batter as we speak.
Guest:So you're not jerking off?
Guest:Can't jerk off.
Guest:Smoke pot, all that stuff.
Guest:No pot?
Guest:Well, it's slowing down.
Guest:What does pot do to your cum?
Guest:I mean, sperm or whatever.
Guest:I'd like to think nothing.
Guest:My friend who's in the audience, he says it makes them crooked.
Guest:It makes them all fucked up?
Guest:Like the fucked up sperms?
Marc:It can.
Marc:Where do you get that evidence?
Marc:Have you jerked off on a slide as a high person?
Marc:Like, have you gotten so high, you're like, where's my microscope?
Yeah.
Guest:I guess when you jack off, it misses your hand.
Guest:It shoots off that way.
Marc:I'm out of here!
Marc:Really?
Marc:Sideways sperm?
Marc:I guess so.
Marc:Well, those would be nice.
Marc:If they could make the cut, then it'd be kind of interesting to have a sideways baby.
Marc:I think they call them retarded.
Marc:Oh, is your baby sideways?
Marc:That would be the more appropriate term.
Marc:That's the new one.
Marc:You know, Retard is out.
Marc:It's out.
Marc:It's been out for a while.
Guest:Did you catch the sideways bus to school?
Guest:That's the new stand-up comeback to hecklers.
Marc:Somebody said, I asked an audience once what the right term was, and someone said, what was it?
Marc:Intellectually challenged.
Marc:But that is so broad.
Marc:I mean, who doesn't fall under that rubric, really?
Marc:Intellectually challenged.
Guest:What do they call themselves?
Guest:Stupid.
Guest:I'm kidding.
Marc:Jesus Christ, sensitive people.
Marc:They call themselves whatever their name is.
Guest:It's not like the N-word.
Guest:They say retards to themselves.
Guest:Huh?
Guest:And call each other retards, but not other people?
Marc:Well, yeah, I do.
Marc:I talk about that a bit.
Marc:I hope they do.
Marc:I hope that they're able to say that, because I would love to hear that conversation.
Marc:Two mentally challenged people sitting around calling each other retarded would be, that would make my life.
Guest:If I could witness... Yo, retard, what's up, my retard?
LAUGHTER
Marc:I picture it more like, you're retarded.
Marc:And the other guy's like, no, you're retarded.
Guest:No, you're retarded.
Guest:That's what I'd like to see.
Guest:Kind of like a waiting for Godot for retarded.
Marc:Yeah, I would love to see mentally challenged people do Godot.
Marc:That would be fucking hilarious.
Marc:And they only memorize like the first 10 minutes and they have to improvise the rest.
Marc:And they have to wear the hat.
Marc:How great would that be?
Guest:Godot's coming.
Guest:He has peanut cookies.
Guest:I love peanut cookies.
Guest:How many does he have?
Guest:Fourteen.
Guest:Sorry, I didn't understand half for a while.
Guest:For a second.
Guest:Okay.
Marc:We did retarded people doing Godot.
Marc:I don't know how you come back from that, on a moral level or on a comedic level.
Marc:Now, are you planning on opening, like, how many UCB theaters?
Marc:Is this like McDonald's?
Marc:Is it a franchising situation?
Guest:You know, we are opening another one in New York.
Guest:Did you know that?
Guest:Another one in New York?
Guest:On top of the other one?
Guest:On the other side of the... Where Two Boots Theater used to be.
Marc:Yeah, yeah, off of, what, First or Second or A or B?
Marc:I haven't been there.
Marc:I think it's off Second.
Marc:I remember there.
Marc:It's over by the park.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:I'm sweating now because you made me laugh and I'm drinking coffee and it's hot.
Marc:That's okay.
Marc:So this is your second one in New York.
Marc:We are.
Marc:Now, what do you do?
Marc:You invite young people in and mislead them and delude them into thinking that they can have a career.
Marc:We can teach them comedy.
Marc:Yeah, yeah.
Marc:Is that on the manifesto, how it works?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I think – what did I read this week about someone?
Guest:I think it was like Doug Stanhope said he was really upset about teaching classes in stand-up, which I thought was interesting because there's a big fight over that.
Guest:I don't think you can teach stand-up classes.
Guest:I think you can give pointers.
Guest:I think you can give a few weeks of good pointers maybe, but you can't teach it.
Guest:But you can teach improv.
Guest:There is a methodology.
Marc:As rude as I may have just sounded, my heart is warmed towards what people are doing, to what the youngsters are doing, because I think what improv teaches people is a skill set to work with others, write their own material, figure out what's funny about them, understand their limitations and whether or not they should or shouldn't be on stage, decide whether or not, hey, this was fun, but I'm going to go back to work, that kind of stuff.
Guest:Working with other people is a big part of it, actually.
Marc:Yeah, no fucking shit, huh?
Marc:I'm alone in my garage, and I've always been that way.
Marc:I didn't even like you when I first met you because of your ability to work with other people.
Guest:When I first started doing improv, an ImprovOlympic in Chicago, when I first started, I was doing stand-up, and the woman running it said, is anyone here a stand-up?
Guest:And I raised my hand, and after class, she told me that the class might not work out for me.
Guest:Really?
Guest:Because I was a stand-up.
Guest:So she knew?
Guest:She's like, you're one of them, huh?
Guest:They had a reputation of getting on stage and not wanting to let anybody in and share the scene with them.
Marc:I think that's called – but there are rules to that, right?
Marc:I think it's called fear.
Marc:But there are rules to working with other people.
Guest:There are.
Marc:Because I'll find – like what I've done in acting class, if I can share this, I don't mean to talk about me.
Marc:I remember this specifically.
Marc:There was a scene in which I did a scene with a woman.
Marc:It was heavy.
Marc:There was yelling involved.
Marc:And I think she started crying.
Marc:And she was supposed to.
Marc:So right at the end of the scene where she was sniveling in the corner and it was like scene, I immediately ran to the teacher and right in front of the class was like, how's that?
Marc:And she was still crying.
Marc:And it was at that moment where I realized, like, I really don't like women.
Um...
Marc:I'm kidding.
Marc:I just realized I was very selfish, and that I didn't stay in the scene with the other person, and I ran away.
Guest:I had an acting thing like that, too.
Guest:I'm wondering if everyone that takes an acting class has that one class.
Guest:Like, I got in a fight in a class.
Guest:I think we were doing True West.
Guest:You're supposed to be in that play, get in a fight.
Guest:Yeah, but we really got in a fight.
Guest:Like, when the scene was done, we were still shoving each other, and I was like, motherfucker, don't show me so fucking hard.
Guest:And the teacher's like, all right.
All right.
Guest:Like, there you go.
Guest:Oh, great, you taught us to fight.
Guest:I knew that before the class.
Marc:Was it a cult acting teacher?
Guest:Do you have any experience with those kind of people?
Guest:Well, the guru dealt close, but he kind of deserved the cult.
Guest:I do, actually.
Guest:There was a lot of cult-y kind of people.
Marc:Yeah, the acting teacher I had was this guy named Michael Howard, and he was like a... You know him?
Woo!
Marc:Really?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:So what was your experience with him?
Marc:I got the impression he was sort of a second-string method guy that knew a lot of those cats in the living theater and some stuff, but he was just a teacher, right?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:But you definitely got the feeling that you didn't fuck with Michael Howard, and if you don't get Michael Howard, maybe you're not in the right class.
Marc:Right?
Guest:He humiliated people.
Guest:Yeah, that's what I mean.
Yeah.
Guest:Thank you for bringing that out.
Guest:I feel abused a little bit.
Guest:What did he do to you?
Marc:Oh, thank God.
Marc:That's what I was trying to say.
Marc:See, I was trying to be diplomatic.
Marc:Because just because... Ah, you opened it up.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Just because he's a sweet little Jewish guy doesn't mean he's not a fuck.
Marc:You know what I mean?
Marc:Like, he just sat there perched on his little chair, and he was like 900 years old, and he pretended to know everything about everything, and he'd use people as puppets, and then he'd yell at you, and then you'd feel like an asshole, and I don't know anybody.
Marc:I should have known better, because at that acting school, they had no pictures of anybody that came out of there that did anything.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:That's the key.
Marc:Yeah, just a soap actor.
Guest:Did the people that got humiliated sometimes seem like they deserved it, though?
Guest:Everyone deserved to be humiliated if they're taking an acting class.
Guest:Del Close used to end scenes by going, stop, that was awful.
Guest:And if it wasn't you, it was the best moment in the world.
Guest:You're like, yeah, it was awful.
Guest:He actually said it.
Guest:But I think that weeds people out, right?
Guest:It does.
Guest:Because they can't take it.
Guest:At a certain point, you need that.
Guest:And there are certain schools where they have this loving, nurturing thing where they never tell you you suck.
Guest:Right.
Guest:But that keeps money coming in.
Guest:I guess so.
Guest:But like you teach, no?
Guest:I haven't in a while, but yes, I have.
Marc:Now, as a teacher, isn't there a moment where you have these bright-eyed people who want to learn improv, and you know in your heart and in your soul that that one person is just never going to fucking get this?
Guest:Yeah, it's crazy.
Guest:There's some people with whatever, Asperger's or whatever, where they... But that's hilarious.
Guest:Asperger's is a weird, very interesting disease, because obviously you can be really...
Guest:As a matter of fact, most of them probably are very intelligent, but I've had a couple of students who know the rules backwards and forwards, and they know every note I've ever given, and they get up there, and they follow every single rule, and it still doesn't work, and they're so frustrated afterwards, but there's only one thing left to say to them.
Guest:Which is what?
Guest:You're not funny.
Guest:Oh, no.
Guest:But, you know.
Guest:Did you say that?
Guest:No, I've never said that.
Guest:I could never say it.
Guest:But we do, unlike some other schools go, maybe you need to take some time off and try another strategy.
Guest:We won't just keep reeling them in.
Marc:But you've never had to say that?
Marc:You just sort of imply, like, okay, you know?
Marc:Or do you just let the group take care of it?
Marc:I know how that works.
Marc:All the other kids hit him with a sock filled with soap.
Guest:It's kind of like the person with bad breath.
Guest:Someone does need to tell them eventually.
Guest:But I don't want to be that guy.
Guest:Have you ever done that?
Marc:Yeah, of course I have.
Marc:Brian Fast, Harvard Square, Cambridge, Massachusetts, Catch a Rising Star, probably 1989.
Marc:This guy, no one would tell him.
Marc:They'd always put him on last.
Marc:It was fucking awful.
Marc:He was a nice enough guy, but he was just terrible, and he would pretend like he wasn't.
Marc:Man, they're not getting me tonight.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:This thing is stuck in my heart because I know I've got to apologize to him.
Marc:Literally, David Cross remembers this because we were walking out of Catch a Rising Star.
Marc:There was maybe seven people left in the crowd.
Marc:We had already gone on.
Marc:It was probably 12.30.
Marc:They were about a half hour out from closing.
Marc:So this was Brian's time.
Marc:It was the open mic night.
Marc:And Brian comes lumbering in.
Marc:And he was really awkward looking on top of everything else.
Marc:And he comes lumbering in.
Guest:Lumbering implies he's overweight.
Marc:What do you call this?
Guest:Prancing?
Marc:Yeah, yeah.
Marc:He's kind of awkwardly prancing in.
Marc:And he's walking down the stairs.
Marc:I'm walking up with Cross, and I look at him, and I remember saying, I go, why don't you just go home?
Marc:Oh, I'm the asshole?
Marc:Yes.
Marc:And it hurts my heart now.
Marc:I have to make an amends for that because I think that is the key to everything.
Marc:Like, if I just apologize to Brian Fast, my life will turn around.
Marc:That's the apology butterfly effect for everyone else.
Marc:I owe you an apology, too.
Marc:I think I was kind of a dick to you early on.
Marc:What happened?
Marc:Why'd I stop?
Guest:I know you didn't like improv, and you made that quite clear to us.
Guest:I didn't like you.
Guest:Really?
Guest:What did I do to you?
Marc:You were just kind of... You're cranky.
Marc:You know, you were very... I'm cranky?
Guest:You're calling me cranky?
Guest:Weren't you a little?
Guest:You always seem very wrapped up and aggravated.
Guest:Well, any time I would see you, you see, the great thing about being a stand-up, you just have to show up and go on stage.
Guest:When you're in a sketch group, you've got to set the egg somewhere and the gun and fill the blanks and set the cues.
Guest:Before a show is a very stressful time.
Guest:Yeah, so?
Guest:That might have been crankiness.
Marc:No, I remember when you were doing stand-up, we were at Luna, and you were starting to do stand-up.
Marc:Stand-up?
Marc:Yeah, and I resented you because I'm like, who's this guy?
Marc:And then we had the same management, and then I always got the feeling that you were like, I'm fucking Matt Besser.
Marc:What?
Marc:So I projected this whole asshole personality onto you.
Marc:And now I just realize you're just sort of out of it sometimes.
Marc:And that, like, I made it all up.
Guest:Your apology's saying... You weren't cranky.
Guest:You were just out of it that entire time.
Guest:That's a terrible apology.
Guest:Oh, no.
Guest:Well, I'll retract the apology if you didn't feel it.
Guest:I just realized you were born sideways.
Yeah.
Marc:Matt Besser, ladies and gentlemen.
Marc:Matt Besser.
Marc:Yeah, you can move down.
Marc:Holy shit.
Marc:Oh, God.
Marc:That was hilarious.
Marc:You're going to go all the way down?
Marc:Okay.
Marc:That's fine.
Marc:That's fine.
Marc:No, you can stay there.
Marc:This next guy.
Marc:This fucking guy's hilarious, and I didn't even know he was around anymore.
Marc:I don't remember how I got reconnected with him, but I'd known him for so long, and he's so funny.
Marc:He was on Curb Your Enthusiasm a couple times.
Marc:He's written some things.
Marc:He was a great stand-up.
Marc:I think he had a baby.
Marc:I don't even remember where I met him.
Marc:Please bring out Ed Krasnick.
Marc:Ed Krasnick, welcome.
Marc:Oh.
Marc:Hello.
Guest:Oh.
Marc:You're what?
Guest:You're good.
Guest:I spoke to Brian Fast.
Guest:Yes.
Guest:Not happy.
Guest:Not happy after all these years.
Guest:Do you remember him?
Guest:I do remember him at Catch a Rising Star.
Guest:Yes, Robin Horton, the air traffic controller of comedy.
Marc:That's where I remember you from.
Marc:We were at Cambridge, Massachusetts, Catch a Rising Star.
Marc:Were you living there?
Marc:No.
Marc:Define living.
Marc:1989.
Guest:Yes, I was.
Guest:No, I was in San Francisco and I used to come back to Boston.
Guest:Everybody thought that I lived there.
Guest:Right.
Guest:And so, yes, it was.
Guest:But I would come back.
Guest:Sure.
Marc:And the guy who ran the club was a fucking lunatic.
Marc:Okay, here's what he would do.
Marc:Do you want to do it?
Marc:You don't even know what I'm doing.
Guest:Are you going to do the glove?
Guest:Are you going to do the thing?
Guest:The what?
Guest:I don't know.
Guest:Okay, do what you're going to do.
Marc:Okay, here's what would happen.
Marc:You would get there, bright-eyed, ready for your open mic, right?
Marc:He'd make a list of comics who were going on.
Marc:It was Sunday and Monday were open mics.
Marc:Not open mics, but showcase nights.
Marc:So it was me, you, Cross, Louis was around, Garofalo, Chuck Sklar, Jonathan Groff.
Marc:Who else would they know?
Guest:This was like an open mic.
Guest:Jonathan Katz maybe was in.
Guest:Jonathan Katz was there.
Guest:Wendy Liebman.
Marc:Wendy Liebman.
Marc:So fucking Horton... You know what?
Marc:I'm still mad at him.
Marc:Get it out.
Marc:This is the time to deal with it.
Marc:Okay, so he would go into his office in the back and he'd make the list when he'd see who'd come, right?
Marc:And then he'd come out of the office.
Marc:Literally, he'd walk out like this.
Marc:put the list on the wall, walk back into his office.
Marc:So then we'd all run up and go, okay, where we at, where we at?
Marc:And then you'd see where you were on the list and be like, all right, number six, that's fucking great.
Marc:There's going to be people here.
Marc:And everybody would see their spot.
Marc:And then you'd go sit down and the show would start and you'd be watching your buddies on stage and then you'd see Horton come out.
Marc:You'd be like, what's he doing?
Marc:What's he doing?
Marc:And he'd come out and you'd just see him come out of the room and he'd start fucking with the list.
Marc:And then he'd go back into his office.
Marc:And then we'd all have to go, oh, fuck.
Marc:And you'd run back and you're like, oh, now number eight.
Marc:What the fuck has just happened?
Marc:How did he rearrange it?
Marc:Cross, you're number nine and you were number two.
Marc:What the fuck is happening?
Marc:And then we'd go and we'd sit there and watch the acts, but now bitter and resentful.
Guest:That is totally true.
Guest:And then by the fourth time he'd come out, you're fucking number 15 and no one's there when you go on.
Guest:Fuck that guy.
Guest:And I...
Guest:It's not Horton Hears a Who.
Guest:It's Horton Hears a What the Fuck.
Guest:It really is.
Guest:No, this guy was horrible.
Guest:And he was a fired air traffic controller.
Guest:This was the arbiter of stand-up comedy in the best club in the country, probably.
Marc:Yeah, he saw it.
Marc:It was like radar.
Marc:He saw us hovering around, and he was like, that one's a problem.
Marc:I'm going to let him circle for a while.
Marc:I'm going to let Marin circle.
Marc:I just spun around.
Guest:I didn't circle.
Guest:I just spun.
Guest:I remember you.
Guest:You spun on your own axis.
Guest:You were like the earth.
Guest:You really were.
Guest:But here's the thing about him.
Guest:He would speak in baseball metaphors.
Guest:Do you remember this?
Guest:He would say, and he said to me one time, he said, you're very funny, Ed, but you need a glove.
Guest:Get a glove, and you'll always be on my all-star team, and you're going to turn the double play every time.
Guest:But you need a glove.
Guest:And then he'd go back into his office.
Guest:He was like a deranged cuckoo clock.
Guest:He'd go back in and come out.
Guest:I fucking hated him.
Marc:He had the weird black pupils of a real bipolar crazy person.
Marc:And he was always slightly frightening.
Marc:And if you even mentioned politics, he would come out, that's page seven of the Barry Crimmins notebook.
Marc:Everything was like Barry Crimmins had written some sort of Bible.
Marc:This is really inside baseball.
Guest:No, it's inside stuff.
Guest:But we had to see it because we haven't seen each other.
Guest:Who's Barry Crimmins?
Guest:He's a political satirist, a comic.
Guest:When they had satire.
Guest:He satirized himself right out of the business.
Guest:A long time ago.
Guest:Oh, the guy was insane.
Marc:Crimmins was so deep in the satire that he just drifted away.
Marc:He's living upstate somewhere.
Marc:He is.
Guest:Angry.
Marc:It's a fine line between satire and like, I'm fucking done.
Guest:It really is.
Guest:Am I screaming too much?
Guest:A little bit.
Guest:He's like the Ted Kaczynski of comedy at this point.
Guest:He's in a cabin.
Guest:He's writing letters.
Guest:I don't know what he's doing.
Guest:Anyway, I haven't seen you in probably 45 years.
Guest:Israel had just become a state.
Guest:Remember?
Guest:Yeah, I do.
Guest:We thought it would last?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:It's dicey there now.
Guest:It is dicey.
Marc:You're still very Jew-y, which is good.
Guest:Well, it's funny you mention that because it's the Upright Citizens Brigade, and now you have the Hunched Over Jews Brigade.
Guest:It's the two of us.
Marc:There's only one on the show right now.
Marc:Hello?
Marc:Me and you, and usually there's more Jews.
Marc:Bester, you'd think would be two.
Guest:Matt is a Jew.
Marc:I'm half Jew.
Marc:But we had this conversation.
Marc:You had it already?
Marc:Well, watch.
Marc:Here's what happens.
Marc:Who's Jewish?
Marc:Your mother or your father?
Guest:It's my mother.
Marc:Really?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:No, no, no.
Guest:It's my father.
Guest:It's my father.
Marc:Oh, he's trying.
Marc:Did you see what happened?
Marc:He's answered that wrong sometimes.
Marc:It's just a pass.
Marc:I understand.
Marc:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest:Because you want to pass as a Jew in most situations.
Guest:You do.
Guest:It's power.
Guest:It's power.
Guest:It really is.
Guest:Yeah, it's power.
Guest:Why don't I get on the train?
Guest:My relatives thank you, my father thanks you, and my grandmother thanks you.
Guest:Stuttgart is not Stuttgart.
Guest:It's not the way it used to be.
Guest:And don't get on the Express.
Guest:Now, I have to tell you, you were talking about improv, and I have to say, this is one of the best improvisers.
Guest:I am one of the worst improvisers because I can't do space work.
Guest:What does that mean, space work?
Guest:Space work means that you're talking on the phone.
Guest:You've got the phone up, right, by your ear, and then it becomes an iron.
Guest:And for no reason, you're ironing your hair, and you're justifying it verbally.
Guest:I'm very good verbally, but I can't open a window.
Guest:You're not in the driver's seat.
Guest:I'm driving a car, and then I let the wheel drop.
Guest:I can't do it.
Guest:So you're saying that this might happen where you're like, so where are we going?
Guest:And then you just like this.
Guest:And I say, oh, I'm answering the iron.
LAUGHTER
Guest:Who's on the iron now?
Guest:And then I justify it verbally, so that's okay.
Guest:What does that mean, you justify it verbally?
Guest:I'd say... Oh, ow!
Guest:I'm burning my head!
Guest:Yes, I'd say, look who's on the iron phone again.
Guest:And I'd say it.
Guest:You'd probably wreck at that point.
Guest:You'd burn your head with the iron.
Guest:Well, sure.
Guest:Sure it is.
Guest:I'm not a good driver in the improv circles.
Guest:You don't want to get in a makeshift cab with me, an imaginary cab.
Guest:Now, I have to say, you're talking about acting, and the funny story that I had was Jean Shelton had an acting school in San Francisco, and she was one of those teachers that you're talking about who actually, I was doing a scene from Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?
Guest:That's a hilarious show.
Guest:The way I do it, it's very funny because I have the iron to my ear.
Guest:Oh, my hair.
Marc:I can't even imagine you.
Marc:Did you play the young professor guy?
Guest:I did.
Guest:Of course.
Guest:And I was afraid of myself, as a matter of fact.
Guest:Afraid of my own feelings.
Guest:That's how I do it.
Guest:Anyway, she's in the back and she looks like, I just started the scene and she turns back and she goes, I'm so bored.
Guest:Is anybody bored?
Guest:I'm really bored.
Oh.
Guest:During Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf.
Guest:So now I can't see the movie anymore.
Guest:I can't see the play.
Guest:I can't even hear the name Mike Nichols.
Guest:I can't hear Burton.
Guest:I can't hear Taylor.
Guest:I can't hear anything.
Guest:George Siegel I met once.
Guest:Could not hear him.
Guest:Did not enjoy him.
Guest:So I have that.
Guest:But this is actually a true story.
Guest:I had rehearsed with a guy for a scene from The Odd Couple, and it was the linguine scene where he throws the pasta and it sticks to the wall.
Guest:Right, right.
Guest:This guy had boiled the pasta knowing I was going to come over and rehearse at his apartment.
Guest:It's noon.
Guest:There's nobody around.
Guest:He takes the pasta, he boils it, he throws it on the wall, and he starts to choke me.
Guest:I'm going to kill you!
Guest:And he starts to choke me.
Guest:And I'm thinking, this is not the comedy that I remember.
Guest:This is not the comedy of Neil Simon.
Guest:This is the comedy of Jack Kevorkian.
Guest:And so now he's choking me, and I can't get him off me.
Marc:And it's just you and him at his apartment?
Guest:It's me and him.
Guest:There's no one around.
Guest:And there's pasta on the wall.
Guest:This is how I'm going to die.
Guest:Not on stage in someone's apartment rehearsing the pasta linguine scene.
Guest:No one's ever seen it.
Guest:Lucky you weren't rehearsing The Accused.
Guest:I'm rehearsing it in my mind.
Guest:No, I don't know.
Guest:No, I really swear to God, I've had these weird confluences.
Guest:The other one was Comedy Day.
Guest:Do you remember?
Guest:There used to be something in San Francisco.
Marc:You did Comedy Day.
Marc:I did it once.
Marc:Now I think it's Comedy Half Day.
Guest:It probably is.
Guest:there's no more comedy in San Francisco San Francisco used to be it was literally 60,000 people in Golden Gate Park and they'd have a festival so they got a festival and I was backstage interviewing people and I'm interviewing Dianne Feinstein hilarious who is very funny cracks me up the humor actually gets caught in her hair it's a very unusual thing and so I'm interviewing her and from way back I hear Krasnick Ed Krasnick Henry from group therapy at Langley Porter Hospital laughter
Guest:You got better, I didn't.
Guest:What happened?
Guest:That is not a false story.
Guest:That is absolutely true.
Guest:True story.
Guest:I am the Ken Burns of depression.
Guest:That's what I am.
Guest:You got better, I didn't.
Guest:What happened?
Guest:What happened?
Guest:Angry that I got... And he thinks that I got better.
Guest:That's what's so beautiful.
Guest:I'm the king in this man's talk.
Guest:Me.
Guest:Are you better?
Guest:No.
I'm...
Guest:I'm in the Actors Witness Protection Program.
Guest:That's why you said, where is he?
Guest:And that's what it is.
Guest:But you look like you have an age.
Guest:Didn't you have a baby or steal a baby?
Guest:I stole a baby.
Guest:Yes, I did.
Guest:And raised her as my own.
Guest:And now she walks around the house going, why do I need this?
Guest:And keeps it there.
Guest:The extended hand is very important.
Guest:No, actually, my daughter is five years old.
Guest:Five years old?
Guest:So you've had her for five years?
Guest:Five years.
Guest:We're on a wait-and-see program.
Guest:If she works out.
Guest:No, but she's five years old, and so I went to a party the other day, and I rehearsed something with her, and somebody came up to her, and I said, ask Shana if she's comfortable.
Guest:My daughter's name is Shana.
Guest:Shana, are you comfortable?
Guest:She says, I make a living.
Marc:She's five.
Marc:Ed Krasnick, ladies and gentlemen.
Marc:I don't think so.
Marc:I don't know if this is going to happen or not.
Marc:Is Craig back there?
Marc:I reconfirmed with him, too.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:He's in the time machine.
Guest:Huh?
Guest:They're making two.
Guest:They're making part two.
Marc:He's in the time machine.
Guest:Oh, fucking hell.
Guest:What are you going to do?
Marc:And I think... Hold on.
Marc:This is just a note to my producer.
Marc:Leave this in, Brendan.
Marc:What the fuck is with Craig Robinson throwing us off?
Marc:But you know what?
Marc:I don't think we should be upset.
Marc:We're having a good time, aren't we?
Marc:I don't think... I don't think...
Marc:Now, Eddie, if I need you to do a few bits at the end, will you do some of the old... Will you do some of the work?
Guest:The hand gestures on the podcast.
Guest:Very, very timely.
Guest:That's why I'm big.
Guest:No, but see...
Marc:This is one of those situations, though, where you were hilarious.
Marc:I'm not asking you to do your bits, but not many people know you because you haven't been doing it for a while.
Marc:It's not an insult in any way.
Guest:Can I get a copy of this podcast?
Guest:Because I'm going to send it to my management.
Guest:Who I will kill after this show.
Guest:Slowly.
Marc:And by doing improv poorly.
Marc:Eddie had a very distinct way of delivering a joke.
Marc:It's almost as if he pitched them to you with his hands.
Guest:Yes.
Guest:Right?
Guest:I did a lot of hand gestures.
Guest:I think it was insecurity and not trusting the audience.
Guest:So I would literally grab them and shake them and say, that's funny.
That's funny.
Guest:Isn't that funny for you?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:It was hilarious.
Guest:No, it was funny.
Guest:Listen, I made a little noise in the 50s.
Guest:Sure.
Guest:I had a song, Tossin' and Turnin' on the radio.
Marc:That was a great song.
Guest:You like Tossin' and Turnin'?
Marc:My father loved it.
Marc:When I was a kid, he'd play it for us.
Marc:It was you and those three other guys, right?
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:Yeah, excellent.
Guest:The four depressions.
Marc:We weren't the tops, we were the bottoms.
Guest:No, I...
Guest:Oh, please.
Marc:Right now we're going to bring out, I think, I'm going to try again.
Marc:Craig Robinson, paging Craig Robinson.
Marc:Unbelievable.
Marc:I reconfirmed him.
Marc:All right.
Marc:Doesn't matter.
Marc:We have a lot of show and we have the very funny.
Marc:Please welcome from the Clutter family and the David Feldman podcast, Mr. Jim Earl, ladies and gentlemen.
Marc:Jim Earl.
Guest:Thank you.
Guest:Thank you so much.
Guest:It's a great to be here.
Guest:Hey, Mark?
Guest:Yes?
Guest:I have another intro for you here.
Guest:Would you mind reading it here?
Marc:Not at all, Jim.
Guest:We can cut this out of the podcast later.
Guest:What, the intro I just did?
Guest:Yeah, Mark didn't really know this was going to happen.
Marc:You want me to just read it then?
Guest:Yeah, you just go ahead.
Marc:Ladies and gentlemen, this next man is very special to me.
Marc:I don't want to waste a lot of time before I bring him up by boring you with my effusive description of his many talents.
Marc:Suffice it to say, not only is he a great performer, but he is also a wonderful human being.
Marc:That man is Jim Earl.
Marc:Thank you.
Marc:Thank you so much.
Marc:And when I say a wonderful human being, I don't mean, relatively speaking, when compared to my own wounded personality, stunted character, and retarded emotional growth.
Marc:I don't even mean when compared to the rest of the excrement squirreling about in this turd-laden ship box we call show business...
Marc:No, I'm referring to the best of the best.
Marc:Winner of the Primetime Emmy Award and Peabody Award for Excellence in Comedy Writing.
Marc:Why should it matter that nobody has the guts to hire him anymore?
Marc:That he's currently in desperate need of a writing job.
Marc:Hell, he'd even write for one of those shitty Comedy Central roasts.
Marc:I am, of course, talking about Jim Earl, ladies and gentlemen.
Jim Earl.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Marc:Thank you very much.
Marc:It doesn't even matter that he's sweeping with my ex-wife.
Marc:And by sweeping, I, of course, mean really giving her the business.
Marc:Hard, steady, with prejudice in a way I never could.
Marc:And I thank him for that.
Marc:By the way, Jim, isn't your website JimEarl.com?
Marc:And didn't you just release your band CD, The Clutter Family, on iTunes?
Marc:You didn't have to bring that up right now, Mark.
Marc:I applaud his courage.
Marc:If only I had what it takes to break the sordid cycle of bad judgment that has made me the flawed and broken man I am today.
Marc:That's not to say I won't ever pay Jim back all the money I owe him.
Marc:$35,273.13 to be exact.
Marc:Thank you, Jim, for helping me out in a time of need.
Marc:You were there when no one else wanted to be, especially assholes like these lumpen schlubs in the audience tonight who can barely give me the superficial validation I need to justify my next Xanax.
Marc:Did I mention he fucked my ex-wife?
Marc:Ladies and gentlemen, Jim Errol.
Marc:Jim Errol, ladies and gentlemen.
Thank you.
Guest:Thank you.
Guest:Thank you so much.
Guest:Well, Mark, I think my time is up.
Guest:Thanks a lot.
Guest:I can't follow that fucking intro.
Guest:Thanks for nothing, asshole.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:Jim Earl.
Marc:He just left.
Marc:He's a genius.
Marc:He's a genius, right?
Marc:He's a genius.
Marc:Do you remember him from the old days?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I'm going to reunite him.
Guest:I have a show called This Week in Comedy.
Guest:It's a podcast and it has... Hold on.
Marc:You're a comedian.
Marc:You do a podcast?
Guest:It's not really what I would call a podcast.
Guest:It's really... You can get it on your old TV if you have the pliers.
Guest:The rabbit ears?
Guest:It's Victrola proof.
Marc:You're going to reunite Lank and Earl?
Marc:Yes.
Marc:That's hilarious.
Guest:Lank and Earl, by the way, I don't know if you know Lank and Earl were the... You don't know if you know Lank and Earl?
Guest:No.
Guest:I barely know Lincoln Earl.
Guest:I don't know if you remember Smith and Dale from the 1900s.
Marc:Of course I remember Smith and Dale.
Guest:With the buggy bit?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Oh, yeah.
Guest:Are they still doing that?
Marc:They are.
Marc:In hell.
Marc:They do it in Vegas.
Marc:They open for Jeremy Hatz.
Guest:In hell.
Marc:Jeremy Hatz.
Marc:Sorry, we're just doing it for us now, I guess.
Marc:Slow burn.
Marc:Craig Robinson.
Guest:You know what?
Marc:I think he realized there was no piano here, and he said, fuck it.
Guest:Probably right.
Marc:Here's what we have.
Marc:I have one A Special Thing record sampler.
Marc:This is A Special Thing records.
Marc:It's a 2010 comedy sampler with Jen Kirkman, Jonah Ray, Sklar Brothers, Doug Benson, Andrew Daly, Bob Odenkirk, Paul F. Tompkins, Kyle Kinane, Greg Proops.
Marc:Who wants it?
Who wants it?
Marc:Aww.
Marc:I got bits and beats from Stand-Up Records.
Marc:StandupRecords.com.
Marc:This has Maria Bamford, a lot of different people on it.
Marc:I don't know about you.
Marc:Yeah, here you go.
Marc:I don't want to hurt anybody, but I will toss it gently.
Marc:Oh, shit.
Marc:You want one of these, buddy?
Marc:No, you don't want it?
Marc:I do.
Marc:Bamford?
Marc:Yeah, Bamford's on here.
Marc:Oh, that sounded creepy.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Got a little Bamford for you, buddy.
Marc:Didn't it?
Marc:Bamford?
Marc:It was very focused and very disturbing.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:It's your birthday?
Marc:Oh, do you want me to kiss you?
Guest:Ugh.
Guest:I have something for you.
Guest:What size are you?
Guest:Really?
Guest:Wow.
Guest:You don't say really.
Guest:What?
Guest:That's rude to say really.
Guest:To a lady.
Guest:To a lady, you don't say really.
Marc:Extra small.
Marc:Okay.
Marc:You're surprised.
Marc:I have a nerd cock shirt for you.
Marc:This is some...
Marc:This is a small men's.
Marc:You probably won't wear it outdoors, so maybe you could sleep in it and frighten men.
Marc:Okay, you do?
Marc:You frighten men?
Marc:Happy birthday.
Marc:What did it say?
Guest:We missed it over here.
Guest:It says nerdcock.
Marc:Nerdcock.
Marc:It's an idea.
Marc:It's an idea.
Marc:It's an idea that requires too much... Craig Robinson?
Marc:It's an idea that requires too much explanation.
Guest:That'd be great in your life.
Guest:Anytime you get nervous, you just go to Craig Robinson.
Guest:Craig Robinson!
Guest:Like he's your angel.
Guest:Or nerdcock.
Guest:Either one will do.
Guest:Nerdcock, nerdcock, nerdcock.
Guest:Take me away.
Marc:The nerd cock idea, Matt Besser, was that we've shifted out of the jock cock, rock cock paradigm into the nerd cock paradigm.
Marc:It's a jerkier paradigm, but it's still powerful.
Marc:So it's about that.
Marc:It's a paradigm shift.
Marc:You had me a nerd cock.
Marc:But I realize that only ballsy women and gay men can wear it with any confidence.
Marc:Anyone in between those two things just goes to the gym and awkwardly realizes they can't wear it in public.
Marc:Then I can wear it twice.
Marc:So now I'm giving away XXLs as Nerdcock 90s.
Marc:So if anybody wants the last of the orange Nerdcock 90s... Wow!
Marc:Give it to the woman that really wants it.
Marc:That's a cotton-poly blend, too, isn't it?
Marc:I don't know what they are.
Marc:They're good.
Marc:Here's another XXL.
Marc:Please.
Marc:Okay, you want one now that you touched it?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Oh, God, how good the fucking throw is that?
Marc:That's wonderful.
Marc:This show has gone off the tracks.
Marc:You need a glove, though.
Marc:Gone off the tracks.
Marc:Now I have one more small for a girl that will wear it confidently.
Woo!
Marc:You guys avoid that as a bouquet.
Marc:She's sitting right next to you.
Marc:You can't just be like, oh, I'll catch you and give it to you.
Marc:You're like, no, no.
Marc:I don't want to touch the nerd cock shirt as if it were a real nerd cock.
Guest:Those nerd cocks are hard to grab.
Guest:They're slippery.
Marc:Slippery.
Marc:Slippery and jerky.
Marc:Come on, don't spaz out, nerd cock.
Marc:Hey, man, so let's, you know, this guy had me on his show last night, and, you know, he heckled me a little bit, as he likes to do, and, yeah, I just want to tell you that everything's turning around for Eddie Pepitone.
Marc:He mentioned to me, like, he came in today, he's like, Mark, everything's turning around for me.
Marc:And I said, really, Eddie?
Marc:He goes, yup, this is it.
Marc:This is my year, Mark.
Marc:I feel like I could just do him for the rest of the show.
Marc:That's a great Eddie Pepitone.
Marc:I know, it is, right?
Marc:I can only do it for a few seconds, though.
Marc:Do it a little louder.
Guest:Krasnick?
Guest:Yes?
Guest:Don't yell at me.
Guest:I have problems.
Guest:Let's do a scene from Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?
Guest:I would love to do that, Eddie.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:Please welcome Eddie Pepitone to the stage.
Marc:Thank you.
Marc:Craig Robinson.
Guest:Yeah, by the way, that pisses me off.
Marc:Please, take care of it for me, Eddie.
Guest:That pisses me off.
Guest:Hot tub time machine?
Guest:All right, it's a great title, and if I'm sitting in a studio... By the way, my energy might be low because of the apocalyptic heat.
Guest:Nobody's talked about the apocalyptic heat.
Guest:Saving it for you.
Guest:On the podcast.
Guest:It's all you.
Guest:Is it just me?
Guest:I mean, I live in the fucking valley, and I don't even want to... And that's not to brag that I... Things have broken my way, that I can live in the valley.
Guest:No, I mean, it's beautiful.
Guest:It's more space than here in Hollywood.
Guest:By the way, every time I come into Hollywood now, I get nervous.
Guest:There's too many fucking club kids with glow sticks in that Kiwanga corridor.
Guest:I don't need that shit anymore, all right?
Guest:I've proven myself.
Guest:I danced my way through my 20s like a motherfucker.
Guest:I just danced and danced, and now all I do, I'm in the valley, I have five cats,
Guest:Hoju, Criswell, Louie, Katie, and Sherman.
Guest:And I gotta tell you, it's a lot of fun because when Sherman runs around in my apartment, I'll go to my girlfriend.
Guest:Sorry, ladies, by the way, there.
Guest:But I'll go to my girlfriend.
Guest:I will go to my girlfriend.
Guest:Sherman's on the march.
Guest:And that's the kind of entertainment that happens...
Guest:in my apartment.
Guest:I am making Civil War references with a cat.
Guest:Okay?
Guest:And that is fucking beautiful symmetry because this country, the Civil War, was nothing but a motherfucking bloodbath.
Guest:And that's all this country is, is a motherfucking bloodbath with Twitter.
Guest:That's all it is.
Guest:No, no, no, no.
Guest:Everybody doesn't want to talk about it, but this country is a fucking bloodbath.
Guest:UFC, and I'm sure you're a fan.
Guest:UFC.
Guest:No, Besser.
Guest:Yeah, you are, right?
Guest:UFC?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:I don't know why I... That's a good improviser.
Guest:But I know you're not a fan, am I right?
Guest:Because you have emotional violence.
Guest:Oh, yeah.
Guest:It's all going on in here.
Guest:It's all going on in here.
Guest:I know why the cage bird sings inside.
Guest:But I have a feeling you like UFC.
Guest:I don't know why.
Guest:I'm covered in the blood of Brock Lesnar.
Guest:But these motherfuckers, it's the most popular sport in America because people love blood.
Guest:It's like, and I don't, you know, I can get into it, but I don't watch it.
Guest:I don't watch it because I have an addictive personality.
Guest:And I jerk off to these fights now.
Guest:I'm combining sex and violence with cells.
What?
Guest:Sex and violence out.
Guest:But back to my point, because I go all over the place.
Guest:Can I just clear something up?
Guest:You jerk off to UFC fights?
Guest:Yes.
Guest:I just want to make sure I understood.
Guest:You talk openly about sex in this podcast?
Guest:I thought I would as well.
Guest:When I see two brutes killing each other, I want to come.
Guest:I don't know what the fuck that is.
Guest:And I'm well read.
Guest:I am well read.
Guest:I am well-read, but I want to come during a UFC fight.
Guest:But the reason I brought the UFC fights, and I'm sorry to take it into my sexuality.
Marc:No, no, I didn't have a problem with that.
Marc:I just wanted you to go all the way with it, and I'm glad we went there.
Guest:Anyway, no, I don't have to talk about him.
Guest:You know about him.
Guest:But this country is a bloodbath with Twitter.
Guest:Like today I get up, it's 120 fucking degrees in the valley, okay?
Guest:I don't even like to get my mail.
Guest:And it's right outside my door, and I'm like, I go to my girlfriend, and again, sorry, ladies.
Guest:I go to my girlfriend, and I'm like, honey!
Guest:I'm going to get the fucking mail here in the valley.
Guest:If I'm not back, please, please tell my father he confused me my whole life with his mixed signals.
Guest:That's what I want to tell my father if I die before him.
Guest:Just a note saying, what with all the mixed signals?
Guest:You love me, but yet you're angry at me constantly.
Guest:And now my love life is filled with weird mixed signals like that.
Guest:Like as soon as I get close to somebody, I want to go, God damn it.
Guest:And I don't know why that is.
Guest:Except I was raised in Brooklyn where everybody just walks around going, fuck, fuck, when is it gonna end?
Guest:My relatives in Brooklyn now talk about me.
Guest:They're like, do you hear he's got a podcast?
Guest:And some Italian fuck.
Guest:We're Sicilian.
Guest:By the way, I'm Jewish.
Guest:You said there was only one Jew on the show, but my mother is Jewish.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:Not my father.
Guest:All right.
Guest:Like Matt.
Guest:Don't point at me and my Jewish father.
Marc:Look, right underneath all this is a laughing man.
Marc:I love that.
Guest:Yes!
Guest:Yes!
Guest:Back in.
Guest:I laugh because I don't do hot tub time machine.
Guest:I show up here.
Guest:I can't wait to the day where Marin asks me, Peppertone, I've got a show, and I'm like, I don't know, I'm doing hot tub time machine 20.
Guest:I don't know, should I show up?
Guest:Hot Tub Time Machine 20.
Guest:Anyway, this country is a fucking bloodbath.
Guest:I wake up and I turn it on, I turn on the television, and Wolf Blitzer, who is one of my heroes, because all he does, he stands in front of us in a suit, telling us, oh, it's gonna be all right.
Guest:They just capped the fucking well.
Guest:So what do I do when they cap the well?
Guest:I celebrate by checking my bank account.
Guest:Not doing well right now, even though I've got so much talent.
Guest:Craig Robinson?
Guest:Pageant Craig Robinson.
Guest:He's on his fourth martini going, God, I'm doing so great.
Guest:I wonder how that podcast is doing.
Guest:Did he host Last Comic Standing?
Guest:I think so.
Guest:That's a fucking bloodbath.
Guest:No wonder he's not here.
Guest:He does not want to show his face.
Guest:That show, Last Comic Standing, the only thing that is worse than BP is Last Comic Standing.
Guest:It is.
Guest:Be honest.
Guest:We lost a very great comedian to that show, Andy Kindler.
Guest:Oh, my God.
Guest:We lost a very great... Kindler used to be the outsider.
Guest:What?
Guest:That's true.
Guest:He used to be the outsider, and then he joined forces with Last Comic Standing.
Guest:I can't wait to heckle him here.
Guest:Would you have taken that job?
Guest:Yes.
Guest:Yes.
Guest:Eddie Pepitone, ladies and gentlemen.
Marc:That's our show, Kick Up the Music.
Marc:I want to thank Matt Besser, Ed Krasnick.
Marc:You've been great.
Marc:Go to WTFPod.com for all your WTFPod needs.
Marc:PunchlineMagazine.com, StandUpRecords.com.
Marc:You guys were great.
Marc:UCB, Hollywood, thank you for coming out.
Marc:I love you.
you