Episode 90 - Joe Wagner / Dr. Barry Maron
Guest:Lock the gates!
Guest:Are we doing this?
Guest:Really?
Guest:Wait for it.
Guest:Are we doing this?
Guest:Wait for it.
Guest:Pow!
Guest:What the fuck?
Guest:And it's also... Eh, what the fuck?
Guest:What's wrong with me?
Guest:It's time for WTF!
Guest:What the fuck?
Guest:With Mark Maron.
Marc:Okay, let's do this.
Marc:How are you?
Marc:What the fuckers?
Marc:What the fuck buddies?
Marc:What the fucking ears?
Marc:What the fuck nicks?
Marc:What the fucking knots?
Marc:Whatever you want to call yourselves.
Marc:I am Mark Maron.
Marc:I am in the garage here at the Cat Ranch overlooking the barrio.
Marc:I'm going to be standing on a new deck that I can't afford in a matter of days.
Marc:I'm starting to sweat.
Marc:The garage has become a hot box, a hot box.
Marc:I'm starting to schvitz, as they say in the ancient tongue of my people.
Marc:A couple of things I want to get out of the gate before we start the show proper is that this weekend, this Saturday, that is July 17th, I will be in Minneapolis at the Triple Rock Social Club.
Marc:for one night.
Marc:Me and Amber Preston are doing one night at the Triple Rock Social Club.
Marc:You can go to TripleRockSocialClub.com for information on that.
Marc:And of course, next week at Comics, Wednesday night at Comics in New York 2, live What the Fuck tapings at 7.30 and 9.30.
Marc:And of course, you $10 a month donors and you premium subscribers, there's a little meet and greet with me.
Marc:You can meet me!
Marc:At six o'clock in the Bard Comics, I'm going to bring some posters that I can sign for you because I appreciate your support and I'd love to meet up with you guys and talk a bit before the show.
Marc:Two big shows.
Marc:Jeff Garland, Susie Essman, Judah Friedlander, Joe Mandy, Reverend Jen, to name a few.
Marc:Going to be some great shows.
Marc:We're going to have a good time.
Marc:I'm going to be in England at the Soho Theater in London.
Marc:That is July 28th for a week and a half.
Marc:A lot of stuff going up.
Marc:Great Scott in Boston.
Marc:I just don't want to be one of these guys that lists all of my shows, even though they are important.
Marc:I will be at Great Scott in Boston on the 23rd.
Marc:Now, let's deal with some issues.
Marc:The important issues.
Marc:It's so fucking hot in my garage.
Marc:I got to be honest with you.
Marc:I enjoy returning things.
Marc:I bought one of those air conditioners at Home Depot, an LG portable air conditioner that's got a snake that you stick into the window and then it sits in the room and it didn't work.
Marc:I was furious.
Marc:I don't know if you get that feeling because I talked about this the last show about...
Marc:Buying something that doesn't work the way it's supposed to work and feeling like you're the only asshole in the world that this has happened to and it's just an indicator of your entire fucking life.
Marc:Why do I got to be the guy that gets the piece of shit?
Marc:Why do I got to be the guy that gets the lemon?
Marc:Why am I the sucker that gets the big hunk of crap that's supposed to do something that doesn't?
Marc:I always do that.
Marc:Whenever I buy something that doesn't work, I'm like, I am the victim.
Marc:I am being fucked by everything because of this purchase.
Marc:Whereas the truth of the matter is things just stink.
Marc:Things suck.
Marc:They're built poorly.
Marc:Companies don't give a fuck.
Marc:They don't even care if it doesn't work.
Marc:Don't forget the Pinto thing.
Marc:Look, you know, that car was killing people and Ford would rather pay out the people suing for losing members of their family than recall the car.
Marc:Companies don't give a fuck.
Marc:And you know what's great right now is neither does Home Depot because Home Depot is such a big fucking company.
Marc:I packed up that piece of shit air conditioner and I knew I shouldn't have bought that one.
Marc:I knew I should have bought the better one because air conditioners are they don't really work that well unless you get one that's got like an insane amount of BTUs or whatever they're called.
Marc:And I knew in my heart when I was there, like, this is really a heart issue, that I should have bought the better air conditioner, because I can't have people in here sweating.
Marc:I mean, I was in here with Andy Richter, and he was sweating like he was in a fucking sauna.
Marc:It's embarrassing.
Marc:Word's going to get out.
Marc:It's amazing enough that people are coming to the fucking garage, that word's got to get out.
Marc:They're like, no, don't go there, man.
Marc:You're just going to sit there and sweat in his garage.
Marc:And when it gets hot in here, you can smell a little cat pee, because Boomer's been in here claiming some turf.
Marc:Anyway, so the great thing about Home Depot, they don't give a fuck either, is that I packed up that air conditioner in the box the best I could.
Marc:The box that it came in, it was still leaking water because I couldn't drain it properly.
Marc:So I bring a wet bottom box to Home Depot.
Marc:The guy just credits.
Marc:He just goes, yeah, no problem.
Marc:Doesn't even open the fucking box.
Marc:Just credits my credit card.
Marc:It was more exciting returning it than it was buying it.
Marc:It was worth it to return it with that little a problem and realize that Home Depot is so big they don't give a fuck they'll take back anything.
Marc:I'm actually looking forward to returning the one I just bought.
Marc:Now, let's move on to something else, if we could.
Marc:You got any friends?
Marc:How many friends do you have?
Marc:Seriously, how many friends do you have?
Marc:Before I talk about friends, I'd like to talk about Mel Gibson for a while.
Marc:You know, I don't do pop culture that often, but here's the sad part about Mel.
Marc:And I know that you're like, what?
Marc:What could possibly be sad about us all enjoying a guy spiraling down fall because of horrendously racist diatribes?
Marc:But here's the sad thing about me.
Marc:is that when I listen to those tapes, because the woman I'm dating is a complete gossip hound and needs to hear, she's on all those sites all the fucking time.
Marc:She loves it.
Marc:I personally don't like sort of bathing in the pain of others that much.
Marc:I mean, I like it in a relationship.
Marc:I don't like it in a general sense.
Marc:But see, that's part of the sickness.
Marc:But when I heard those tapes from Mel Gibson, I had to hide the realization that I identified with that.
Marc:Not the racism and not even some of the things he was saying to her necessarily or the issues, but the tone of the anger, the rage.
Marc:I understand rage.
Marc:That was an embarrassing moment for me to have when I heard him saying, you fucking cunt.
Marc:When I heard that, I'm like, oh my God, I have articulated in that tenor before.
Marc:I have articulated in that tone before.
Marc:I have had rage.
Marc:I know what that feels like and what it sounds like and where it comes from.
Marc:The sadness and the lack of control one has in those moments.
Marc:horrendous.
Marc:He is a racist.
Marc:He may be an alcoholic, but I heard Joy Behar calling a misogynist.
Marc:I don't know if there's any indication that he's a misogynist.
Marc:He didn't say all women are cunts.
Marc:He didn't say all women are whores.
Marc:He said specifically that the woman he was addressing was a cunt.
Marc:So he's having an issue with a particular cunt, not all cunts.
Marc:So there's a difference between that.
Marc:I don't think he's a misogynist.
Marc:I think that's not clear from those tapes.
Marc:Racist, yes.
Marc:Rageaholic, yes.
Marc:Perhaps an alcoholic, yes.
Marc:Misogynist, no.
Marc:It's very specific.
Marc:He's angry at that one woman for being whatever he thinks that she is.
Marc:And when I say all cunts, I'm not saying that as me saying I think they're all cunts.
Marc:I'm saying that if Mel Gibson were to have a misogynist problem, he would say you are like all cunts.
Marc:All women are cunts.
Marc:He's just angry at her.
Marc:angry angry scary fucking angry deal with that shit fellas i'm trying i'm not having you know i i the way i tried to deal with my anger was just detach from it and not get emotionally involved with anybody out of fear that it would come up and now i'm a little emotionally involved with somebody and guess what it's there and i've got to i've got to fucking kill it man i need help
Marc:with this anger thing.
Marc:It's ridiculous.
Marc:I don't know.
Marc:I think it's a cry for fucking help, for an incapacity, an incapability of accepting love or trusting anything.
Marc:I used to say that.
Marc:If you're ever yelling at a woman, all you should be saying is, why can't you be my mommy?
Marc:Why can't you just take care of me?
Marc:I do want to address the issue of friends.
Marc:I don't know what kind of person you are, but I've only got a few friends.
Marc:I've got a couple of people I think are my best friends.
Marc:I think we all go through life where you have best friends at different periods in your life.
Marc:But then as you get older, you realize there's that core group where those are my best friends.
Marc:Those are the guys that no matter how much time passes, I can sit down with them and it's almost like nothing ever happened.
Marc:And I'm starting to realize that that's not true anymore.
Marc:And it's a sad thing that a lot of my friends, their lives change.
Marc:My best friend, I've got, I think, three best friends or I had four, but one of them I don't talk to at all.
Marc:His life has become so different.
Marc:And as time goes on, I realized we didn't have a lot, you know, that we weren't.
Marc:He wasn't that candid with me.
Marc:You know, I'm very candid with everybody.
Marc:You know, I'm too much information guy.
Marc:I'm not afraid to lean and talk.
Marc:But some people are a little more cagey than that.
Marc:And, you know, the way that balances out in any particular friendship is what determines a friendship.
Marc:But I've got a few guys, but they're all far away from me now.
Marc:My buddy Jim, I don't even know what his life is.
Marc:He ended up in Bulgaria.
Marc:He took a boat around the world.
Marc:He's lived a very exciting life.
Marc:He directed a movie.
Marc:But I get calls from him maybe once or twice a year just saying, Marky, what's up?
Marc:Where you at?
Marc:Let's have coffee.
Marc:And then maybe we do, maybe we don't.
Marc:Sam Lipsight, the writer, is a very dear friend of mine.
Marc:But he's got two kids.
Marc:He's a teacher.
Marc:He's got writing to do.
Marc:His life is very different than mine.
Marc:And we sit down, we talk, and it's always lovely to see him.
Marc:My buddy Jack, you know, his life has taken a turn for the better.
Marc:And I just don't... They're not there.
Marc:They're not... They are my friends, and I love them, and I can always call them.
Marc:But what is...
Marc:What do you need a friend for on some level?
Marc:I love seeing them, but it's not that same feeling like, you know, there's no distance between us.
Marc:You know, we just sit down and no matter what's happened, sure, I can get along with them.
Marc:But after a certain point, you want somebody to be involved in your life.
Marc:You want them to know your life.
Marc:So when things go wrong in your life, you have somewhere to go with that.
Marc:And I'm saddened by the fact that I don't have as many close friends as I used to, which brings me to to our show today, because I got a message on Facebook from a fellow who I know.
Marc:He goes by the name Joe Wagner, because I know that's his name.
Marc:Joe Wagner's a comedian, and he's a nice guy, and he wrote me this on Facebook.
Marc:Mark, I'm 37, and I live with six other dudes in a huge house in Hollywood.
Marc:They're all younger than me by at least seven years.
Marc:I'm a maelstrom of ever-shifting personal and professional frustrations, but I'm trying to use social networking to shake my life up even more by reaching out to unexpected people and results.
Marc:I want...
Marc:Dot, dot, dot.
Marc:I need dot, dot, dot to spend time with an older man.
Marc:Your perspective in life is calling out to me like a siren song.
Marc:So if you're comfortable hanging out, watching a movie and allowing me to hear your lamentations in real time, you can always call.
Marc:I know you're a busy guy, but who knows what the fuck?
Marc:This is a guy that's basically saying, look, I want a new friend.
Marc:I want to be I want to be your friend.
Marc:So I'm going to have him into the garage and we're going to see if we can be friends.
Marc:So listen to my first date, friend date, bromance with Joe Wagner.
Marc:And then I think I'm going to get my dad on the phone because that's always interesting.
Marc:Stand-up was always the thing.
Marc:Right.
Marc:And it still seems to be the thing, but this podcast business is great.
Marc:I like doing it.
Marc:I like talking to my friends.
Guest:I would just like to start by saying, you know, I am a fan.
Marc:Joe, I've known you for many years now.
Marc:We see each other.
Marc:You do stand-up occasionally.
Marc:You do some writing.
Marc:You lurk at shows.
Guest:I am a big lurker.
Marc:Yeah, like you'll get off stage and there's Joe, Joe Wagner.
Marc:What's he doing in the hallway?
Marc:Can I... Do you... What?
Guest:Do you want some... I feel in a way like I have to explain that and clarify it.
Marc:Okay.
Marc:We can clarify all you want, Joe.
Marc:Just wait one second.
Marc:I want to share the letter I got from Joe.
Marc:Can I do that?
Marc:Yes.
Marc:Mark.
Marc:I'm 37.
Marc:I live with six other dudes in a huge house.
Guest:You knew... I did know you were going to do this.
Guest:I knew you would do this.
Guest:I was kind of mentally prepared for it.
Guest:I'm sorry to interrupt to continue.
Marc:Mark, I'm 37.
Guest:You didn't have to go back to that point.
Marc:And I live with six other dudes in a huge house in Hollywood.
Marc:They're all younger than me by at least seven years.
Marc:Oh, jeez.
Marc:I'm a maelstrom of ever-shifting personal and professional frustrations, but I'm trying to use social networking to shake my life up even more by reaching out to unexpected people and results.
Marc:Oh, my goodness.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:I want...I need...to spend time with an older man.
Marc:what hold on your perspective okay can i just say to everybody we're going to provide context for this afterwards all these words all the the way i'm saying yeah i wrote these things your perspective in life is calling out to me like a siren song so if you're comfortable hanging out watching a movie and allowing me to hear your lamentations in real time you can always call i know you're a busy guy but who knows
Marc:WTF, what the fuck.
Marc:I'd see movies with Eddie sometimes, but now he's moved and spends most of his time with this lady, this Eddie Pepintone.
Marc:Correct.
Marc:You don't have to take this seriously at all, but if you do, then I congratulate you on your security and courage.
Marc:It's a very dramatic letter, Joe.
Marc:And I got to tell you, I enjoyed it.
Marc:Good.
Guest:I think it worked.
Guest:I'm a good letter writer.
Marc:Well, you're here.
Marc:You're sitting in the garage, even though you wanted to go to a movie instead.
Guest:I know.
Guest:But I know that this is the trial by fire.
Guest:This is the Marin gauntlet.
Marc:Look, let me just tell you, I don't want you to be jealous of Eddie if we're going to start a bromance.
Marc:All right?
Marc:You can't be jealous of Eddie.
Marc:All right.
Marc:You know, Eddie and I go back and I don't see him that much.
Marc:I don't talk to him that much.
Marc:And we did a show together.
Guest:You guys took a road trip together?
Marc:Yeah, we did a road trip.
Marc:But that was about... That's a big bonding thing, man.
Marc:Right.
Marc:But I don't feel the need to call Eddie, you know, every so often.
Marc:By the end of the road trip, I'd had my fill with Eddie for a little while.
Marc:He does the live What the Fucks.
Marc:But let's talk about you for a minute because I'm... I've been deflecting a lot.
Marc:I'm the same as you.
Marc:It becomes very difficult when you get set in your ways to make new friendships.
Marc:Yes.
Marc:And I don't let a lot of people in.
Marc:I don't have a lot of close friendships.
Marc:I got a lot of people I know.
Marc:And I don't always know what to do.
Marc:This is a very plain and honest approach that you took.
Marc:And yeah, we could go to a movie, but then what happens?
Guest:That's the thing.
Guest:I think what I was most...
Guest:That I really want to convey to you now that I'm here.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:That most concerns me is that I don't want you to think that I have any other expectations beyond actually what I just put in there and what you just said, going to see a movie.
Guest:Right.
Guest:Once we're walking away from that movie.
Guest:Maybe we'll talk.
Guest:Maybe we'll talk.
Guest:We'll say, I didn't like that movie.
Guest:Maybe two months will go by and we won't talk.
Guest:Right.
Right.
Guest:But then there's going to be a day, there's going to be a moment, an afternoon, a late evening.
Marc:And I'm going to be like, Joe, what's up?
Guest:Where it's like, yeah, I don't want to just be sitting in my mind, basically.
Marc:Yeah, so let's talk about the lurking.
Marc:You said you wanted to address that.
Marc:Because I've seen you do stand-up.
Marc:I've always liked your presence.
Marc:It's always happy to see you.
Marc:We were on Jimmy Pardo's...
Marc:We did the writer's room recently.
Marc:Writer's room recently.
Marc:We're always around the same people.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:But sometimes I worry about you because I'm like, is Joe doing stand-up anymore?
Marc:What's he doing?
Marc:Then you tell me you're living with six guys that are younger than you, and now you seem to be in trouble.
Guest:Here's the thing.
Guest:It's actually a very positive, creative thing and allows me to plug a great thing right now on your podcast.
Guest:Mm-hmm.
Guest:I've been directing a very popular and very successful sketch show at the UCB for almost two years now.
Guest:It's called The Midnight Show.
Guest:And I was born in comedy, in sketch, doing college sketch comedy.
Guest:And when I first came out to L.A., I did first six, seven years was just slogging away at sketch in the 90s.
Guest:That was before sketch was big.
Guest:There was no audience for it.
Guest:Right.
Guest:I came here in 93.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:um and so so now to walk by the ucb and see a line that stretches down an entire block are they coming to see your show uh our show is a very popular show it's the first saturday of every month at midnight and it's something that i've that i've been uh committed to for almost like two it's about a year and eight months now i've been i've been working with these guys directing them these are the guys you live with
Guest:Yes, six of the guys in the group I live with in the same house.
Marc:But something's not right with the life.
Guest:Well, I'm reaching a certain point in this experience, in this phase.
Guest:I mean, in all honesty, a lot of this group that I'm working with knows that we're kind of all getting to some point.
Guest:I mean, we've got a little heat.
Guest:Critical mass.
Guest:A little critical mass, a little bit of a tipping point thing because...
Guest:You know, I would say in Hollywood, I've been here looking at, give two years to something.
Guest:If you really care about it, give it two years.
Guest:I gave stand-up 25.
Marc:Not much, not great results.
Marc:So two years is pretty, you know.
Marc:The funny thing about that two years is that what happens if it doesn't happen the way you think it's going to happen after two?
Marc:Where do you go from there, Joe?
Marc:I know where you go.
Marc:You write me.
Guest:I write you, but also I write you because you know what?
Guest:Then you've given it like 12 chances.
Guest:Two years, two years, two years, two years.
Guest:You're the kind of guy who will give something because you love it so much.
Marc:Unlimited chances.
Marc:Persistence.
Marc:Persistence and fear is what drives you, Joe.
Guest:Well, and that's why when I listen to your show, it reverberates with me.
Marc:There's no plan B, Joe.
Marc:No, dude.
Marc:It's done.
Marc:It's over.
Marc:You're 37.
Marc:You're living in a house full of guys.
Marc:Is there a bong on the coffee table at the house?
Guest:uh mark come on just tell me you gotta come see the house dude because we've had moments where we've where we've been standing in our own home looking around and going was this art directed because it can't be any i mean it is okay so what was the house of six guys who drink smoke eat poorly don't give a shit about order how's it how's it how's it when girls come over
Marc:They just go to the rooms?
Marc:Sometimes they go to the rooms.
Marc:You kind of walk them quickly past the living room and the kitchen?
Marc:But that's the thing, you know... You warn them about the bathroom?
Guest:Here's... I do want to... You know what?
Guest:I want to give a fuller picture.
Guest:We have... It's all, you know... Are you going to start saying it's a commune, a collective?
Guest:No, no.
Guest:What I'm saying is there is an elasticity to it.
Guest:I think this is what I get a lot out of your perspective, too, of like...
Guest:ebb and flow.
Guest:Like, we've had the moments where we've been able to snap the house into you would walk in and go, well, this is lovely.
Guest:Yeah, they have their shit together, these guys.
Marc:This is unusual.
Guest:This house was built in 1911, Mark.
Marc:That's older than this house.
Marc:It's a beautiful old home.
Marc:Do you have ants?
Guest:Oh, we've got it all.
Guest:I've got spiders in the shower, dude.
Marc:Do you have ants?
Guest:I went into the shower one day.
Guest:I'm showering.
Guest:I have this terribly little, it's ridiculous, it's this almost like torture cell of a little stand-up shower.
Mm-hmm.
Guest:No curtain.
Guest:I don't use a curtain.
Guest:No one uses a curtain?
Guest:No, it's in my own bathroom.
Guest:I have my own bathroom.
Guest:I have my own apartment in the back of this house that has my own bathroom.
Guest:I have a bedroom.
Guest:I have an entrance in the back.
Marc:So you have no curtain as a choice?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I just let the water just splash out.
Marc:Why?
Guest:It's fine by me.
Guest:It's fine.
Marc:But fine is different than making a choice.
Marc:Fine is like a default word.
Yeah.
Guest:No, I know.
Guest:But it's just, you know.
Marc:Okay, so you're in the shower with no curtain, water splashing everywhere.
Guest:Well, but it's not crazy, all right?
Guest:It's not like I have a puddle.
Guest:But anyway, look, the point is I look up and I see a spider.
Guest:Yeah, there's a couple guys up there.
Guest:That's what I'm talking about, man.
Guest:And that's in my shower.
Guest:So here's the thing.
Guest:The first guy, I was like, the first instinct, kill, right?
Guest:Get rid of.
Guest:Right.
Guest:Stopped myself and I was like...
Guest:The guy, it was a beautiful web.
Guest:I mean, it just had the moment where I was like, I'm living with that thing.
Guest:I live with it, not against it.
Guest:I now share this space.
Guest:Here's the problem now.
Guest:And I think you probably have it too.
Guest:I can see you have two at least there.
Guest:I now have...
Guest:four spiders in the shower right and in the bathroom right i think one of them i think i saw an egg sack uh-huh i think they're gonna be more spiders sure sure that's why that's the things do and i had the moment where i was like is that why then i should have killed it right then and there because now you got to kill a whole family do i do that or do i try to keep living with this stuff
Marc:Well, that's the question.
Marc:It's sort of like the question of like, do I live the materialistic consumer driven life I live or do I become a Buddhist monk?
Marc:Maybe you need to move the spider somewhere.
Marc:Maybe you need to say time to relocate and delicately put them in a box.
Marc:And figure out how to do that.
Marc:Well, how hard could that be?
Marc:I guess their spider is difficult.
Marc:You might not kill one.
Marc:One of the guys that I lived with loves spiders.
Marc:Maybe you should give them to him.
Marc:Yeah, I could ask him about it at least.
Marc:Maybe put him in a little jar like a seven-year-old and put him on the counter and see if it moves him.
Marc:Mike, what's a day look like for you?
Marc:Do you all wake up at the same time?
Guest:Well, it's rather cave-like.
Guest:Between sunrise and two maybe in the afternoon, it's a quiet, quiet place.
Marc:Because no one's awake?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:So you're getting up at 2.
Guest:Sometimes.
Guest:Clearly, it's not going to be a house where no one is up at the crack.
Guest:They're still up at the crack of dawn because they were either sitting outside talking, drinking, smoking, coming back in, watching a movie.
Guest:It's a lot of energy.
Guest:Here's the thing.
Guest:I lived by myself for like 12 years.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And I really started to, was beginning to isolate.
Marc:Were you a spider killer then?
Guest:You were.
Guest:So you're living alone, you're killing spiders.
Guest:I almost think that I killed one of my cats, really, because of neglect.
Guest:Oh my God, Joe.
Guest:By the way, I didn't grow up with a male presence in my household.
Guest:It was my mother, my aunt, and my grandmother.
Marc:So you're interviewing fathers?
Marc:I'm not interviewing fathers.
Marc:Is that what this is?
Marc:Am I in a father interview?
Guest:It's a really protracted speed dating for a new father.
Marc:I wish you would have gotten me when you were a little younger so I could have some influence.
Marc:Now I'm just going to make you feel better by example because I'll give you hope that there's a way that you will find your way.
Guest:But that might... Look, I'm not... Look, I feel like we're getting again into the... Too-headed.
Guest:Too-headed.
Guest:No, well, into the agenda aspect of this.
Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest:Where it's like, again, I want to be absolutely honest with you.
Guest:I just want to go see... I just want to... Hang out.
Guest:Hang out, because I think you're a cool guy.
Guest:I think...
Guest:that your comedy to me really is a beacon in some ways.
Guest:And I'm going through a lot of creative stuff, and I want to try to figure out some stuff.
Guest:And I think that part of being in this business is like, well, of this business is actually being in more of what feels like a community of artists.
Marc:Okay, I agree with you.
Marc:Yeah, well, that's the way it works.
Marc:But see, guys like you, guys like me, community not so good.
Marc:You know, you're at home by yourself killing cats and spiders.
Marc:Now you're living in a group house with a bunch of bong rippers and you decide that you love spiders when you can see past the steam and water mist that's going all over your bathroom.
Marc:Now, my question to you is... I seem like a serial killer with all those things.
Marc:No, no, no.
Marc:You're a very sensitive, misunderstood, complex man.
Marc:Genius.
Marc:Okay.
Marc:Slash man.
Marc:Right, right.
Marc:Okay.
Okay.
Marc:All right.
Marc:Genius.
Guest:I have a lot of the narcissist thing.
Marc:Okay.
Guest:A lot of the God complex.
Marc:Okay.
Marc:Okay.
Marc:Well, then maybe I'm in the presence of something powerful here and I, maybe I should do some exploring.
Marc:Now let's, let's, let's define some of these, these things that we're, we're going to learn.
Marc:Like you're at that point where it's like, you want to, you know, it's, it's time to get down to brass tacks.
Marc:Like what, what's first on the menu?
Marc:Okay, okay.
Guest:Well, this is what I've been going through creatively for about the last five years.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I got to a point where I didn't want to write jokes that was not fulfilling to me.
Marc:Yeah, I've very rarely written them.
Guest:Right.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:It took about four years, not on and off, but doing stand-up fairly consistently, but just in L.A.
Guest:in a lot of those shows at the time from like 97 to like 2001 or two.
Marc:Where you could get away with anything if you had the right friends.
Guest:Yeah, and it was just more, I gotta say, in all honesty, I've always considered stand-up more of a pastime for me.
Guest:It's been a fun thing to do.
Guest:Huh.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Well, let's say more a diversion.
Guest:Not that I didn't hate it.
Guest:I've hated it as much as the next stand-up.
Guest:I've been like, this is a miserable existence.
Guest:Or why would I put myself in this position?
Marc:Sure, sure.
Guest:But it was, again, it's more for a personal creative fulfillment.
Marc:Sure.
Marc:So now you're saying to me that, you know, writing jokes is a fine exercise where you write a joke and that joke's good.
Marc:I'm going to go up on stage and do that joke.
Marc:And then when that joke's over and either it works or doesn't work, you're like, no, so what?
Marc:I made a joke work.
Guest:I made a joke work.
Guest:There's something to writing.
Guest:Wonderful.
Guest:And that's what's actually paid my bills for the last 10 years is crappy cable hack writing jobs.
Guest:What do you got in your moleskin?
Guest:Page one.
Guest:I brought it because I thought maybe there might be some.
Guest:Page one.
Guest:I thought this could be so unpredictable that I might want to write something down.
Guest:Okay, page one.
Marc:Let's do it.
Marc:First entry, the new moleskin.
Marc:Joe's just bought his moleskin.
Marc:That's going to inspire him to write things down.
Marc:What do you got?
Guest:Look at what I wrote myself one day.
Marc:Hosting, stay positive, smile, keep it moving.
Marc:Smile with three explanation points.
Marc:Separated by lines.
Marc:That's it.
Marc:Now we're on page 9, 10, 11.
Marc:Are they all written in that large writing?
Marc:That took up the whole page.
Guest:I'm actually, this is, I'm starting the one man show.
Guest:These are the notes for the one man show.
Guest:Food, love, sex.
Guest:What's the other one?
Marc:Food, love, sex, death, showbiz, and then miscellaneous.
Marc:Why don't you just go on stage and say that and then take suggestions.
Marc:And just kind of go with it?
Marc:Yeah, riff it up.
Marc:Okay.
Marc:You want to ask me, you need some guidance with the one man show thing?
Okay.
Marc:Well, yeah.
Marc:That's a good list.
Marc:I've made lists like that before.
Marc:I once wrote The Seven Deadly Sins, and then when I found out they'd been written before, I was very upset.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:I love... You know, I'm Catholic, by the way.
Guest:And so I do love those kinds of... I like any time that sin is codified in some way.
Marc:Sin's an interesting idea.
Marc:I got recently shed a lot of light on sin by Christopher Hedges in a book called...
Marc:I don't believe in atheists.
Marc:It was his argument against the atheist movement, Dawkins and Hitchens and whatnot.
Marc:Right.
Marc:But he's not saying that God, you know, he's not identifying God necessarily, but his basic premise was that the reason why the idea of sin exists is because mankind, humankind will never be perfected.
Marc:And that when you have these barometers of what sin is and behavior, at least you can keep yourself in check somehow.
Guest:Right.
Marc:That you never overcome the conflict of being human.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:And what that does.
Marc:A perpetual state.
Marc:How that mutates.
Marc:Right.
Marc:Like, it sounds to me like you're pretty into the sloth thing and a little bit of the gluttony, I think.
Marc:Yeah, yeah.
Marc:Probably.
Guest:I hit those.
Marc:Envy, I imagine.
Marc:Envy is part of show business.
Marc:Yeah, horrible, right?
Marc:You know... Avarice.
Guest:I'm not seeing Avarice.
Guest:Can I tell you the one that is my personal envy?
Guest:And this is one I'm pretty honest about and I talk to you sometimes with my friends.
Guest:Zach Galifianakis was one of the last stand-ups I saw at open mics in LA before I tried my first open mic.
Guest:I went to go see... Like I said, I came on a sketch, so I didn't...
Guest:When the band broke up, and it was the first time I had to figure out what I'm gonna do.
Guest:And a good friend of mine said, I think you're funny, and I think you could be on stage.
Guest:You should just keep performing in some way.
Guest:And my friend that I was living with at the time said, I'm gonna go to a...
Guest:an open mic in this place called Pedersen's.
Guest:And he went a couple times, recorded himself, came back, he played it for me.
Guest:I love this guy to death, still do, but I was like, I think I could be a little funnier than that.
Guest:And I went.
Guest:And the people were so good that were there.
Guest:One of the first times I saw Tom Sharp, Paul Hopkins, Elizabeth Beckwith,
Guest:all these people at the time who were in that great new 90s coffeehouse scene in LA that was going strong.
Guest:Didn't know any of those people.
Guest:Well, but, you know, to me, they were people that I saw performing and performing well.
Guest:And I realized I have to watch a lot more of this.
Guest:And one of the last times I went before I decided, okay, I'm going to finally do it, was when I saw Zach on stage.
Guest:And I was like, this guy is just having so much fun.
Guest:I could tell.
Guest:I want to have that much fun.
Marc:So you picked me as your friend.
Marc:Are you not listening closely to the podcast?
Guest:By the way, I'm friends with everyone.
Marc:Yeah, well, we know how that goes.
Marc:Again, one of, I think, a low emotional investment.
Marc:One of the interesting... Are they really your friends?
Marc:You just know a lot of people.
Guest:Well, you've talked about this.
Guest:Yeah, showbiz friendship, it's like there's all kinds of degrees.
Guest:Sure.
Guest:There are all kinds of degrees.
Guest:You can have incredibly memorable intimacy bonding kind of experiences, especially since you share the same not only profession.
Marc:Yeah, we do that a lot here on the show.
Guest:Right, exactly.
Guest:But literally you may see that person twice a year.
Marc:All right.
Guest:Three times a year.
Marc:No, exactly.
Marc:But I think that speaks more to the fact that we have a familiarity with our deep selfishness that enables us to understand that we're still as close as we were, but we don't require much of each other.
Guest:Exactly.
Guest:It's about those fears and knowing how close those fears come together, how much they kind of overlap.
Guest:How can I help you, Joe?
Guest:Just go see it.
Guest:I'm just saying if... I would just like to know that if I find myself thinking, hey, I'd like to go see a movie.
Guest:I'd like to even go have coffee.
Guest:Whatever.
Guest:Like you said, hey, Al Madrigal lives close by.
Guest:You go have lunch with him.
Marc:Yeah, I'll go to his house sometimes.
Marc:I like his wife and kids.
Marc:That's cool.
Guest:I don't have that.
Guest:Okay, all right.
Guest:If you want, I can probably hire an actor.
Guest:Baby.
Marc:It sounds like you have a lot of friends.
Marc:Why don't you just ask one of your actor friends to act like your friend?
Guest:I just want to know.
Guest:No, it's not that I want to know.
Guest:Again, I don't have expectations.
Marc:Yes, we'll go to the movies.
Marc:All right, we'll go to the movies.
Guest:We're going to go to the movies.
Guest:Do you feel...
Marc:I like you, Joe.
Marc:You're feeling smothered already.
Marc:No.
Marc:A little bit.
Marc:No, I generally like to talk, and then we're going to sit in the movie.
Marc:Well, fuck the movie.
Marc:We can just go talk.
Marc:I don't care.
Guest:We're doing that now.
Guest:So it's got to always be for people.
Guest:No, I mean, we can... You're like Madonna, and I'm Warren Beatty.
Marc:Okay, sure, I'll play that game.
Guest:That's another element that I want to suck off you vampirically.
Marc:Why'd you have to say it like that?
Guest:Some of the... The juice?
Guest:The seducer, yeah, some of the, yeah.
Marc:Do I have a reputation?
Guest:Dude, you are a fucking player.
Marc:Well, they seem to want exactly what you want out of me on some level.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Which is a better or a father in general.
Guest:Hey, I've had that exact moment post-coitus where basically the first thing she says is, literally she turns to me, gives me a once-over at my nude body and goes, you remind me physically of my father.
Guest:Physically.
Physically.
Guest:Did that get you hard again?
Guest:That was like the... I haven't had that moment a lot, but I have had it too.
Guest:Again, so I understand that.
Guest:That's okay, sweetie.
Marc:You want to get ready for school?
Guest:You want to put that little skirt back on the uniform?
Guest:Can I tell you that I find something that I, again, I appreciate you.
Guest:I try to get from you.
Guest:Filter it through me.
Guest:Put it in my own life.
Guest:It's like mentorship.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And I don't mean in any kind of ostentatious, grandstanding kind of way, but more just because I feel like I remember people who helped me.
Guest:Sure.
Marc:I have a workbook that I can give you that you can start with.
Marc:You're going to overload me with homework.
Marc:A lot of homework, Joe.
Marc:That means you got to get up early.
Guest:Do I have to listen to every podcast so far?
Guest:Because I haven't.
Guest:Wow.
Guest:What if you gave me that assignment to listen to every single podcast?
Marc:No, you can do what you want with your own life.
Marc:It seems to me that you're... Thank you.
Marc:Sure.
Marc:See how friendly I can be?
Marc:Your life is yours, Jeff.
Marc:Thank you, Mark.
Marc:You're free to borrow a book if you want, and you can return it back.
Marc:And if you want to take two of those spiders home with you, you can take those.
Marc:Add to my spider farm?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:And, like, okay, for the one-person show, I think what we should do, honestly, is we'll start the bromance.
Marc:Okay.
Marc:We'll go to a movie.
Marc:Okay.
Marc:And then we'll report back how it's going.
Okay.
Guest:Right.
Guest:So I'm fine with that, by the way.
Guest:I'm fine with giving the listeners.
Guest:And again, I'm honored to be on your show.
Marc:Some of the listeners know my bromance with Matthew, which lasted about five or six episodes.
Marc:It was very contentious.
Marc:He was difficult.
Marc:Really?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:You should listen to some of the early episodes, see how it went with Matthew.
Marc:But you're not Matthew.
Marc:Oh, wait a second.
Guest:Yeah, I did listen to an early one where so there was another guy here.
Marc:Well, he would talk.
Guest:He would talk.
Marc:We'd hang out.
Marc:Yeah, but he like, you know, we were very similar and very, you know, button pushy and kind of like slightly competitive emotionally.
Marc:He was very, you know, you know, you know, all, you know, fueled up with the psycho babble.
Marc:Right.
Marc:But you're not that guy.
Guest:I'm a softie.
Marc:Yeah, I know.
Marc:It makes me a little nervous, because I don't want you to... I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Marc:No, no, no, and I... Sometimes I can be a little bit of a bully.
Guest:Yeah, but you know what?
Guest:Here's the thing.
Guest:I feel like over the years, I have gotten... I have developed a skin.
Guest:Like...
Guest:I understand how things shift.
Guest:I think there's an angry man inside of you.
Guest:Very, well, yeah.
Marc:Yeah, and I think that the reason that you're at a juncture in your life where it's like, I'm going to fucking snap or I got to take this higher road.
Marc:I got it.
Marc:You know, you know, Marin seems to have figured some shit out.
Marc:I know he's been through a lot of stuff.
Marc:I've seen him be angry on stage.
Marc:I've seen him cry on stage.
Marc:He just talks about shit.
Marc:I'd like to be able to do that.
Marc:He did some one man shows.
Marc:But, you know, he seems to be kind of together now.
Marc:And I respect that.
Marc:And I could use a little guidance so I don't fucking lose my mind here.
Marc:I'm living in a house with six dudes that smoke pot all day.
Marc:I seem to be stuck in a. By the way, that's I'm also in there.
Guest:I should say it's not like.
Marc:That's what I'm saying, that you're in this weird sort of hamster wheel of repetition where you sit around, you stay up all night, you drink, you smoke pie, you talk about pussy, and then you write a sketch with a guy that wears hot pants and a chef's hat, and you try to validate your life somehow.
Marc:You're like, well, what did we do last week?
Marc:I don't even remember.
Marc:But hey, here's that thing we wrote.
Marc:That's hilarious.
Marc:I think we should add suspenders, and I think we got a fucking winner there.
Yeah.
Guest:You can take me down as much as you like, but don't impugn sketch, my friend, the art of sketch comedy.
Marc:Maybe you could teach me a little bit about that.
Guest:That's not a part of comedy that you're quite drawn to?
Marc:I'm working by myself in my garage.
Marc:And before that, I worked by myself on stage.
Marc:So not only do I avoid sketch, I avoid any possibility of sketch.
Guest:You do understand the essence of collaboration.
Guest:I like to collaborate.
Marc:Which is one of the best experiences of my life was hosting a morning radio show because of the collaboration.
Guest:Right.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:And I've had magical moments with this group of people.
Guest:Well, I want a little of that magic, and I'll give you a little bit of my dark magic.
Guest:And by the way, your whole summation, before you had to, I don't know, I got sidetracked on you.
Guest:I felt like you were shitting on Sketch.
Marc:No, I was just shitting on your life.
Guest:Yeah.
Yeah.
Guest:I'm telling you, that's fine.
Guest:That's open season.
Marc:A lot of sketch I don't understand, and to be quite honest with you, I don't watch a lot of sketch.
Marc:I understand.
Guest:Ooh, a little ant.
Marc:There's a lot of them here.
Marc:I feel like I'm going to talk about it.
Guest:Dude, I've got ants.
Guest:I don't want to drop too much of the weird, like, should he be on hoarders kind of thread yet.
Marc:Hoarders, you'd have not only one shower curtain, but probably some backup.
Guest:I have a weird,
Guest:I have, like, I think some variation of a hoarding thing.
Guest:All right.
Guest:Well, let's not tip everything now.
Marc:No, no, no.
Marc:We're going to agree to go to a movie.
Marc:Yes.
Marc:And we'll get back to the people about how that goes.
Marc:The suspense is killing me.
Marc:Joe Wagner.
Guest:Maren.
Marc:Hey, Dad, what's going on?
Guest:How you doing?
Marc:I'm all right.
Marc:How you doing?
Guest:I'm doing good.
Guest:Where you at?
Marc:I'm at my house.
Marc:Where are you?
Marc:At work?
Guest:Yeah, I'm sitting in my office trying to get it cleaned up.
Guest:It's a freaking closet compared to what I'm used to.
Marc:What are you used to?
Marc:When was the last time you had an office?
Guest:The good office was way back in the 90s.
Guest:Uh-huh.
Guest:Then I took the rural trip, remember?
Marc:The road trip that lasted 10 years?
Yeah.
Guest:That's right.
Guest:That was a bunch of little offices all over the freaking world.
Marc:Yeah, you were the king of the little office.
Marc:You used to travel with your clothing in boxes.
Marc:You had no less than a thousand suits in boxes, and they were all kept in the living rooms of various apartments in shitty towns across the country.
Guest:I remember that.
Marc:It wasn't that long ago.
Marc:It wasn't like I was 10.
Marc:I was 40.
Guest:You should put that in your next book.
Marc:The book that I'm writing...
Marc:About you?
Marc:That book?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Yeah, that book, that book.
Marc:What else would go in that?
Marc:What's that book going to be called, the book I write about my father?
Guest:There it is.
Guest:Isn't Dennis Washington?
Guest:What's his name?
Marc:Denzel Washington?
Guest:Denzel Washington.
Guest:He's got a movie out there that's something that tells my father or something.
Marc:Right, but I don't know if that's about his dad.
Marc:No, no, no.
Guest:Yeah, no, it's a biblical book, I think.
Marc:I think it's sort of a war movie, isn't it?
Guest:Oh, that's right.
Guest:That was the one about the Japanese and the Americans.
Guest:There were letters from the front or letters to my...
Guest:parents or something?
Marc:No, I think that was the Clint Eastwood movie about the... Yeah, that was a different movie.
Marc:Yeah, the Denzel Washington one, I think, is some sort of... It's with Gary Oldman and maybe post-apocalyptic.
Marc:I don't know.
Marc:But that's not so far from our relationship.
Marc:So I think that something like that would be good.
Marc:My book about you would be called...
Marc:Fuck, it's almost over.
Marc:What's this guy's problem?
Marc:How about that?
Guest:That's right.
Guest:That'd be a good title.
Guest:It is almost over.
Guest:It's not almost over.
Guest:Things are pretty strong.
Marc:I'm just speaking from my end.
Marc:I never know when I'm going to go.
Marc:You, I have no doubt, will outlive everybody.
Marc:I could drop dead of a heart attack just from any day.
Guest:I doubt it.
Guest:If you follow my directions, you won't.
Marc:Now, I get a lot of email from people that are like, what's your dad?
Marc:How many vitamins?
Guest:Tell him your dad's into a lot of things.
Guest:He's trying to reconstruct the world of health to make it so we don't need doctors, that we don't need the pharmaceutical industry as much as we do.
Guest:We can walk away from it just like we want to walk away from the fossil fuel.
Guest:Same thing.
Guest:We want to get away from the reality or the false reality that you've got to have a company producing medicines that you can stay well.
Marc:Okay, so you just want me to tell them that?
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:Okay.
Marc:What else are you doing?
Marc:Anything fun?
Marc:I mean, that's a big project.
Marc:Any little things?
Guest:I've always had trouble having fun.
Guest:I don't know what that means, but that's always been the case.
Marc:Me too.
Marc:Me too.
Marc:I don't know what the hell it is.
Marc:I can't find one thing to have a good time?
Marc:Like, I try to.
Marc:Are you serious?
Guest:Huh?
Guest:Seriously.
Guest:Seriously?
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:What do you mean, am I serious?
Marc:Do I seem like I have a good time?
Marc:When you listen to me, you're like, that's my son.
Marc:That guy knows how to have a good time.
Marc:Do you find yourself saying that a lot?
Marc:No.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Okay.
Guest:I don't find it.
Guest:But, you know, I'm...
Guest:I'm very proud to say that my son, you know, speaking all this learned stuff based on the highest technology possible that I have no idea of, I think that's exciting.
Marc:So you're very proud of me for having the ability to broadcast on a format that you can't seem to figure out how to get.
Guest:No, I can get it.
Guest:I just don't know anything about it.
Guest:But when I get it, I just listen to it.
Guest:You sent me that link.
Marc:Oh, okay.
Marc:Not for you, though, huh?
Guest:I don't know.
Guest:I haven't spent much time looking at it.
Marc:No, I mean, why would you?
Marc:I'm just your son.
Marc:There's no reason to... Yeah, boy.
Marc:Hold on a minute, Mark.
Guest:I want to take that home with you.
Guest:I'm Mr. Pelican.
Guest:10 minutes.
Guest:All right.
Marc:Thank you.
Marc:We're going to Pelican?
Guest:Yeah, we'll go to Pelican.
Guest:All right.
Guest:I don't know how these freaking seafood places are surviving anymore.
Guest:I've got people just stupid.
Guest:They don't care.
Guest:They can't look in the paper and see there's oil everywhere.
Guest:There's pollution in the world that is terrible that's causing cancer and terminal diseases.
Guest:And people sit there and they gorge themselves with freaking seafood.
Guest:They're out of their freaking mind.
Marc:Aren't you going there now?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I would have an artichoke.
Guest:I love the artichoke.
Guest:And I'm going to have beer and tomato juice, and maybe I'll have a piece of, a cup of a crappy clam chowder.
Guest:I only like Manhattan clam chowder, and all they have is the New England.
Marc:All right, well, that just comes back around to the fact that, like, if you're not going to extract yourself from this process, like, I mean, you're going to have chowder.
Marc:So you're just, you're one of those people that you just described.
Marc:Like, you know, it started to be a good argument with the, you had the artichoke, beer and tomato juice, and then you're like, you know, I'm going to have some of that shitty chowder.
Marc:You're just one of those people you just described.
Guest:That's true.
Guest:You're right, but I hope they ever have that shit.
Marc:All right, what the fuck?
Marc:What's a little oil?
Marc:What's a little oil?
Marc:That's what they're hoping everybody will say.
Marc:We can adapt to this.
Marc:We can eat this.
Guest:It's hard to explain, but, you know, it's a definite factor in my life that,
Guest:having a good time has always escaped me.
Guest:I've always said to people around me, how do you really enjoy doing what you're doing right now?
Guest:Holy shit.
Marc:So you're the guy that's, not only do you not have a good time, but you ruin other people's fun by asking them how the fuck they're enjoying that?
Guest:Yep, I do that sometimes.
Marc:That's great.
Marc:People must love to have you around.
Marc:But there had to be a time, come on, I remember you tried really hard to have fun at a few different things.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:Like skiing.
Marc:You're just saying it doesn't come naturally to you because you'd rather sit and think about shit.
Marc:You could just stew in your own stupid juices for hours.
Marc:That's what I do.
Marc:I'm like, yeah, it's too much aggravation.
Marc:What are we going to rent a thing and go to the place?
Marc:You can just sit and watch time disappear with your own brain and worry about shit.
Marc:You just don't have the wiring to have fun.
Marc:And also, you've got to let loose a little bit.
Marc:You've got to open up a little bit.
Marc:You like to dance.
Marc:You were dancing all the time.
Marc:You were a big dancer.
Guest:That's true.
Guest:You're right.
Guest:Yeah, you're right.
Guest:I've done that.
Marc:Didn't you used to do Western dancing?
Marc:What happened to the Western dancing?
Guest:Yeah, we do.
Guest:You know, I've done that.
Guest:We haven't done a lot of this stuff.
Guest:I'm busy.
Guest:I've been too busy.
Marc:All right, Pop.
Marc:Well, here's what I'm going to tell you.
Marc:And believe me, I am no wizard, but it sounds like you've got to take a little time, you know, and don't work so hard and maybe go Western dancing or something.
Guest:Yeah, I could do that.
Marc:Or maybe you just enjoy going to Pelicans and ruining other people's fun.
Guest:Well, you know, Mark, you know, like you've done, I've seen you do it.
Guest:how you make fun of hecklers.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I sit in a goal-oriented existence, a goal-driven lifestyle, a goal-driven everything, and I criticize those people around me, you know, rarely out loud, but definitely in my head.
Guest:And I can't understand how they exist.
Guest:And sometimes, you know, I get so frustrated and angry, I tell them.
Guest:They're like with these drug-dependent people.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:You know, I said to one guy, you know, he's a nice guy.
Guest:I like him, you know.
Guest:He did a little work on my car for me, and he did this and that.
Guest:He's not stupid.
Guest:He just had a baby.
Guest:He doesn't like his new, his forced-upon wife.
Guest:But I said, but he dared to come in to me and say one night when I was in a shitty mood, he said, you know, you didn't give me, you know, you still owe me 15 pills on that taper of the drug.
Guest:You know, you're taping me down.
Guest:You still owe me 15.
Guest:I said, time out.
Guest:Let me look at you.
Guest:I said, you were going to be gone off this stuff in another 10 days.
Guest:and you dare to come in here and tell me that I didn't give you 15 pills, that your whole life is dependent on 15 pills, that you can't think for a minute, but without thinking about where the last pill came from, are you going to have enough for the next pill?
Guest:What the fuck is wrong with you?
Guest:He started crying like a baby.
Guest:Wow.
Guest:Yeah, I said, holy shit.
Guest:But that's what I deal with here, man.
Guest:I mean, these people got no life.
Marc:Now, is that part of the system that you do over there?
Guest:Part of what?
Marc:Is that part of your drug rehab system, the...
Marc:You yell at them and they cry?
Guest:No, but I was just, you know, I was just, because I've been wanting to tell people, how can you live like this?
Guest:I mean, how can you worry about every little moment?
Marc:It's a sickness.
Guest:I understand that.
Guest:But certainly the average person with little brains can say, hey, you know, I'm going to go take a walk.
Guest:I'm not going to worry about what's in my pocket every minute of the day, how many clothes they got, or whether I can sell them and make my fix for the next day.
Guest:I mean, there's got to be more to life than that.
Guest:Everybody's not that kind of dependency stupid, I don't think.
Marc:Well, yeah, that's coming from a guy that doesn't know how to have a good time and works all day long.
Marc:I guess you pick your poison.
Guest:I do.
Guest:It's about right.
Guest:It's about right.
Guest:But, I mean, it's so disappointing.
Guest:It's so sad to see what I deal with here.
Marc:I know.
Marc:I mean, not everybody.
Marc:Look, it's a rough game.
Marc:You know, the drug rehab racket's a rough racket.
Marc:Addiction's, it's very ugly and very tragic and very pathetic.
Marc:And the questions you're asking about it are exactly what makes it hard to really treat and assess is that, you know, you think that you have in your right mind, you're sitting there in front of me.
Marc:And you're doing this junky bullshit.
Marc:Can't you see yourself?
Marc:Look, just from not doing this nicotine, I can feel, like you said before, the reward system in your brain is like, it's going crazy.
Marc:It's like, where's our thing?
Marc:You're awake.
Marc:Why can't we have our stuff?
Marc:Literally.
Marc:We just finished eating.
Marc:How about a little stuff?
Marc:Where's our stuff?
Marc:And it's loud, and it's real.
Guest:I know, and famous people have done it for years, and they continue to do it, right?
Marc:Sure.
Marc:You have a list in front of you?
Marc:But yeah, there's a lot of people that do it.
Marc:But I understand your frustration, but I'm sure you felt bad about that.
Marc:Do you apologize?
Guest:Yeah, well, yeah, I just sat down.
Guest:I said, take a breath and stop this bullshit.
Guest:I said, you know I'm correct.
Guest:He said, I know you're correct, but it's my head.
Guest:What can I do about it?
Guest:I said, what can you do about it?
Guest:First of all, let me hold up the mirror.
Guest:The mirror is you got involved with this woman.
Guest:And she got pregnant.
Guest:Now you have a baby that she doesn't like you.
Guest:She's mistreating you.
Guest:And you love the baby.
Guest:And she's going to take the baby out of state.
Guest:All this shit is creating your stresses.
Guest:And what do you do for your stresses?
Guest:You grab a fucking handful of pills.
Guest:That's what I told him.
Marc:What's he supposed to do?
Guest:I don't know.
Guest:Get a job.
Marc:Get a job.
Marc:Get that part of the equation in place when you start opening up this best can of worms.
Marc:If you're going to hold the mirror up, at least say, look, here's some makeup.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Right.
Marc:All right, well, thanks for trying, you know.
Guest:I try a lot.
Guest:I mean, I really work hard with these people.
Guest:I'm well-liked, and nobody's tried to kill me yet, so I guess everything is okay so far.
Marc:If that's the way you're judging it, yes, you're doing a great job.
Marc:No one has tried to kill you yet.
Marc:Just don't, like, you know, fixing the car is one thing.
Marc:Don't let them live at your house.
Guest:Oh, that's right.
Guest:Don't let them into your house.
Guest:Never mind living at the house.
Marc:There you go.
Guest:I hear so many people.
Guest:My cousin came in for the weekend, and all my pills are gone.
Guest:The guys are credible.
Guest:I mean, I don't see that a lot, but the guys, most of my patients, if I'm treating them, they're credible.
Guest:I made that assessment.
Guest:I sit down with them first.
Guest:I first meet them, how are you?
Guest:Sit down, good.
Guest:If they're on a bunch of pills from another doctor, I say, okay, okay, don't worry about it.
Guest:Not a problem, I understand.
Guest:I disarm them.
Guest:I say, okay, no problem.
Guest:You're going to leave here with what you were on before.
Guest:Then we're going to talk because you're going to think about what I'm going to tell you now.
Guest:We're going to have to start taking this down to reasonable pain management because there's no standard of care.
Guest:So what determines reasonable management?
Guest:I determine it.
Guest:My business is my practice.
Guest:If I think you're on too many pills, I'm going to tell you.
Guest:And that's how I live it.
Marc:Yeah, you're like the responsible drug dealer.
Marc:That's about right.
Marc:Look, I want you to have these pills.
Marc:I understand they're helping, but I think you're taking too much, if I'm not mistaken.
Marc:You just fell asleep in your eggs.
Guest:It's funny listening to you and bouncing it off you because you've been there, I think, a little bit and you've done some of these things, which is fine.
Marc:Oh, thank you.
Marc:Thank you for your approval.
Marc:I'm glad you let me off the hook.
Marc:I never shot drugs.
Marc:I was never a downer guy.
Marc:But I understand.
Marc:I've been around.
Guest:You never took downers.
Guest:You never took benzo.
Marc:No, I wasn't really.
Guest:You only took cocaine.
Marc:Cocaine, pot.
Guest:You never took drugs when you were schooling around with it, right?
Marc:Cocaine, pot, and booze.
Marc:But I've certainly been to enough AA meetings to know what you're talking about.
Marc:And I definitely am an addict.
Marc:So I understand it.
Marc:But it does get a little tragic with the opiates, I'll tell you.
Guest:Oh, unbelievable.
Guest:I know.
Guest:This is like the old West, man.
Guest:You've got to be wary of who's around you.
Guest:You walk out of the house, you've got to look back and make sure you shut the door so people have a little trouble on busting into your house, kicking down your door and stealing everything they can see.
Marc:So you're saying, oh, you mean there at the office?
Marc:It's like Wild West at the strip mall pain management clinic?
Right.
Guest:Yeah, exactly.
Marc:Maybe you should put some saloon-style doors on the front.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:All right.
Marc:Well, I love you.
Marc:Go to Pelican's.
Marc:Eat some oysters or whatever.
Marc:Go make fun of people.
Marc:Whatever you want to do.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:Take care, man.
Guest:Thanks for calling.
Marc:Bye.
Guest:Bye.
Bye.
Marc:Always good to talk to dad.
Marc:Always enlightening and fun and just nice to know where I come from.
Marc:I want to thank Joe Wagner.
Marc:Hope you enjoyed that show.
Marc:Please go to WTFPod.com and send me a little bread.
Marc:Get on the $10 a month donor plan if you would.
Marc:We're working hard, Brendan and I. And, you know, I got a deck out there that I need to pay for.
Marc:And I didn't just do this.
Marc:It wasn't gratuitous.
Marc:Is that the word?
Marc:I needed it.
Marc:People were falling through my other deck.
Marc:Anyways, punchlinemagazine.com for all your comedy news, standuprecords.com.
Marc:Great names in comedy record on standup records.
Marc:And please get on the mailing list at wtfpod.com.
Marc:And thank you for listening.
Marc:You guys are swell.
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