Episode 88 - Nick Swardson / Joshua Tree
Guest:Lock the gates!
Marc:Are we doing this?
Marc:Really?
Marc:Wait for it.
Marc:Are we doing this?
Marc:Wait for it.
Marc:Pow!
Marc:What the fuck?
Marc:And it's also, eh, what the fuck?
Marc:What's wrong with me?
Marc:It's time for WTF!
Guest:What the fuck?
Guest:With Mark Maron.
Guest:Okay, let's do this, what the fuckers, what the fuck buddies, what the fucking ears, what the fuck nicks, what the fucking nots.
Guest:Oh, they keep coming in.
Guest:Listen, folks, let me be honest with you, my friends.
Guest:I've driven to Joshua Tree.
Guest:I'm in Joshua Tree National Park.
Guest:I drove out here for two days, needed a break, was going nuts, needed to get some peace of mind.
Guest:Drove out to Desert Hot Springs, a little hotel there with a hot springs in it with my friend Jessica.
Guest:And we get there and the woman's like, there's lemon water in your fridge.
Guest:There's some coffee cake in there.
Guest:No one else is at the hotel.
Guest:It's all yours.
Guest:Have a good time.
Guest:And she left.
Guest:So it's this little eight room hotel with a hot spring pool.
Guest:And the way I heard that was you're free to swim naked at night and do whatever you want all over the place.
Guest:So that's how that went.
Marc:But let's get on the spiritual journey, if that's what it is.
Marc:I'm not sure what it is.
Marc:I'm not sure why I came out here.
Marc:I don't really know.
Marc:I've always been compelled towards the desert.
Marc:It might get a little windy, but I think we should go out to the rocks.
Marc:So here I am in the desert.
Marc:I don't know if I'm looking for anything.
Marc:Look at this desert planet.
Marc:It looks like it's growing popcorn.
Marc:I don't know.
Marc:Are there snakes out here?
Marc:But I don't even know what answers I'm looking for.
Marc:I'm not on any drugs.
Marc:I'm not stoned.
Marc:I'm not on hallucinogens.
Marc:I have heard that sunblock, the stuff that is in sunblock, causes Alzheimer's.
Marc:So I don't know if I start repeating myself or something or having any kind of trip.
Marc:It's probably due to the sunblock and what's in there.
Marc:The blockers that they use to block the sun, I think, cause some sort of brain damage.
Marc:I heard that.
Marc:I don't know if I'm making that up.
Marc:But I can't tell you how many times I've gone to deserts looking for answers.
Marc:Oh, my God, I'm climbing up a large rock.
Marc:I'm not even paying attention.
Marc:And now I'm going to be on the top of it.
Marc:I don't know if I'm looking for the trickster of the coyote, some sort of manifestation of an Indian spirit.
Marc:Perhaps I am it.
Marc:What if I'm the guy?
Marc:That's a little grandiose.
Marc:What am I starting to realize, folks?
Marc:Why am I out here in the desert?
Marc:I'll tell you why.
Marc:Because I'm starting to realize that I'm 46 years old and this might be it.
Marc:This might be the only moment I have.
Marc:This might be... My God, these are beautiful.
Marc:I'm short of breath.
Marc:Oh, God.
Marc:Oh, my God.
Marc:I think it's coming to life a little bit.
Marc:I'm just tripping out.
Marc:These look like... They look like reclining... Giant reclining Buddhas or elephant seals.
Marc:or I wish it would just come to life like in a movie so many deserts been so many places oh my god there's some sort of animal shit up on the top of this mountain here on the top of this rock some sort of animal sat up here and just perched and pooped oh family with kids here to ruin the fun
Marc:What I was saying is I'm 46 years old and I'm past the arc.
Marc:I'm over the top.
Marc:I'm not bleak.
Marc:I'm optimistic.
Marc:I've never had a better time in my life, but I don't know what's going to happen.
Marc:I don't know if this is it.
Marc:Is this it?
Marc:Is it all just hanging on from here or is everything going to pop open?
Marc:I guess that's what I'm asking for.
Marc:Could somebody please tell me that?
Marc:Is there some guy, is there a messenger here in the desert that could just give me the key to the rest of it, please?
Marc:Could somebody help me?
Marc:Please.
Marc:If there is, I don't think this is the way you go about this.
Marc:See, that's why I usually use drugs to get into this, you know, and to get into the state of mind to go on a spiritual search in the desert.
Marc:You don't just stand on a rock and go, is anyone going to help me?
Marc:Could somebody please?
Marc:If there's a spirit or an animal trickster manifestation, some sort of apparition, could something please step up and give me a little advice, please?
Marc:I've come for some guidance.
Marc:Anybody?
Marc:Anything?
Marc:Hello.
Marc:Do you see anything down there that might help me?
Marc:Wood rat.
Marc:I guess that's going to have to do for now.
Marc:Okay, I'm still looking for something.
Marc:Look, all I know is I'm at the base of something called Jumbo Rock.
Marc:I'm going to the top.
Marc:I'm looking for the Buddha.
Marc:I'll check with you if I make it to the top.
Marc:I'm in pretty good shape, but I don't know if I'm in shape for this.
Marc:I'm not really a rock climbing person, but I just feel like I need to do this.
Marc:I need to do it for me.
Marc:I need to do it for my sense of self.
Marc:I need to do it because I'm a fucking idiot, and I'm probably going to hurt myself.
Marc:what did you say there's an emergency number where there's an emergency number on the visitors guide on the very top all right well maybe you should go get that you're gonna get it really no wait just wait wait wait just first take pictures of me climbing that'd be good get the picture of me falling down and then go get the emergency number and this will this will be triumphant because like i know the podcast is going pretty well
Marc:But if I had to overcome like, you know, broken spine or something and kept doing the podcast from my garage, my special wheelchair setup, that would be that would be something.
Marc:Oh, man, I don't know if I can fucking climb this.
Marc:All right.
Marc:Yeah, get the number.
Guest:I'll be down either very quickly in a lot of pain or in a minute.
Marc:All right, okay, so I came around the side of Jumbo Rock.
Marc:I'm about halfway up, and it was very challenging getting up here.
Marc:I had to lift myself through crevices.
Marc:I've been in one of these situations before where you don't really think about it when you're going up.
Marc:But now, like I'm looking back down.
Marc:I don't know how I'm going to get down.
Marc:I did this once at the beach, but there was water underneath, and I don't know how I'm going to get down without hurting myself.
Marc:So I'm up on jumbo rock, a jumbo ass.
Marc:That's me.
Marc:I'm the jumbo ass on jumbo rock at Joshua Tree looking for enlightenment.
Marc:Maybe this is it.
Marc:I've gotten halfway up to the top of the mountain and I realize I'm a jumbo asshole.
Marc:I don't know if I can get down from here.
Marc:Yeah, I think you should call the Rangers.
Marc:I can't even throw you my keys from here.
Marc:I don't even know how I got up here.
Marc:You can't get to the car.
Marc:That shouldn't be your primary concern.
Marc:It should be helping me.
Marc:all right i fucked up i didn't i didn't plan my spiritual fuck see so now we're out of the park and i haven't peed and i haven't made it i didn't quest all the way back to where i was gonna whatever was gonna happen i kind of stifled half something happened halfway and
Marc:I didn't plan this right because by the time I realized that maybe the quest was to pee and to maybe regress back to the freedom of peeing without thinking about it, all the way back to infancy, that now I'm in some neighborhood.
Marc:Now we're out of the park.
Marc:I'm in the neighborhood.
Marc:and I haven't peed and I didn't make it back that's the fucking it's not my whole fucking life I get about halfway there and now I can't get back to the freedom of peeing clarity of spirit true open mindedness where everything appears wonderful and wonder filled I didn't get back there I didn't plan it right
Marc:but maybe that's i don't know yeah i don't give a fuck i'm gonna piss wherever i want and i think that's a fine place to be spiritually it may not be like i don't even know i'm peeing it doesn't matter and everything's wonderful it's more like fucking i'm peeing here problem i think that i think that's about as legitimate a place as i can be spiritually right now and i and i think that's that's not nothing to take away from joshua tree
Marc:Enjoy Nick Swartzen.
Marc:Tell me about this new theory you have about driving Los Angeles in the heat with no air conditioner and rolling up your windows.
Guest:Because I'm a big drinker, smoker partier.
Guest:So I'm always trying to find new ways of detoxing and just trying to find that balance.
Guest:I'm trying to be the workaholic partier, which is, you know, that's my goal.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:So...
Guest:i came up with this thing where when i'm driving through the city i fucking roll my windows up and i just bake you know i mean i just sweat i just sit there you know what i mean and it's just you know it's intense but it's like it's awesome does it work for you yeah because it kind of also like de-stresses me a little bit so it's like a driving spa yeah it's a little driving sauna do you ever go to the gym and do a real sauna
Guest:I do, but it's so much harder.
Guest:It's so much easier to do your stuff during the day and fucking drive spa, and then you're good.
Guest:I don't have to go to the gym.
Guest:I don't have to park.
Guest:I don't have to sit there with somebody else in the sauna.
Guest:You know what I mean?
Marc:Yeah, drive spa.
Guest:It's just me.
Guest:Yeah, I've got my music.
Guest:It's bueno.
Marc:Nick Swardson.
Marc:Nick Swardson is in my garage.
Marc:Detoxing.
Marc:I like, you know, it's going to get hot in here soon.
Marc:That's fine.
Marc:So now your commitment to this, like, you know, like building your life around drinking.
Marc:And there was just a point where it's like, this is what I do.
Marc:How do I wrap the rest of the rest of life around it?
Guest:Yeah, that's how I kind of see it.
Guest:I was like, okay, I'm just going to commit to this, and I'm going to make it work.
Guest:I'm going to be one of the people that fucking... Everyone just seems to have tried to make it work, and it's just like, it's really tough, but I'm going to make it work.
Marc:Who are some of your heroes along these lines?
Marc:I mean, there are people you look up to.
Marc:That guy seemed to do it.
Marc:Ross Broccoli.
Marc:Ross Broccoli, yeah, but Ross, I love Ross, but you know.
Marc:How did you know Ross?
Marc:How do we both know him?
Marc:When did that happen?
Marc:I moved to New York.
Marc:Okay, it was from New York.
Guest:In 98.
Guest:And I met him there.
Guest:We shared the same, you know, do you remember that apartment on Ludlow?
Guest:And it was a two bedroom apartment.
Guest:Oh shit, that's right.
Marc:I get all that shit confused.
Marc:That was when he was able to have an apartment.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:That didn't last long.
Guest:No, he had that apartment, then he was tossed, and then I think Galifianakis took it, and then I was friends with Zach, and Zach turned me onto it, and then I lived there with 80 Miles, and then we just kept, you know, like, handing the apartment off, and then I was the last one, me and...
Guest:This guy, Bobby Tisdale, we were finally tossed out of the apartment.
Marc:Okay, so Ross Broccoli.
Guest:For people who don't know Ross Broccoli, if you don't remember the Holiday Inn commercials years ago, it was this guy who lived with his family, and they would be like, what do you think this is, a Holiday Inn?
Guest:It was like this kind of disgruntled dude.
Marc:Right, but he was sort of like a Neil Cassidy character for a lot of different people.
Marc:He used to run in political circles, and he ran in comedy circles, and he's notorious.
Marc:I went to his fucking birthday party at Jimmy's house, the old Coke dealers, and there was like 40 people that were invited to that party.
Marc:I think it was before you were out there, maybe.
Guest:Was that in Alphabet City?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Yeah, I remember that apartment.
Guest:I wasn't there, though, but I remember that.
Marc:Well, they had cooked a goose, and you know what?
Marc:It was his birthday and people brought, there were no less than 35 bottles of scotch.
Marc:Now, if everybody thinks to bring you a fucking bottle of scotch, you're a professional alcoholic.
Marc:But he was sort of a romantic character in the sense that he was the kind of guy, that's why I brought him up, that he could drink for three days straight and play amazing basketball.
Guest:Yeah, that's true.
Guest:We would play basketball.
Guest:He would chain smoke Marlboro Reds.
Guest:Right.
Guest:And he would go and run, play full court basketball.
Guest:No problem.
Guest:Yeah, so he was that guy.
Guest:I remember the one time me and Ross did, we bought Blow in Alphabet City, and it was such shitty coke.
Guest:And we did it, and then we went to watch Chris Farley's last movie.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I talked him into seeing it.
Guest:I can't remember.
Guest:It was him and Matt Perry.
Guest:Yeah, yeah.
Guest:And Ross and I were the only ones in the theater, and we were doing coke, and Farley had already passed away.
Yeah.
Guest:So we're sitting there doing coke in the theater.
Guest:And then Ross is like, we got to get out of here, man.
Guest:So he leaves to go get his money back.
Guest:And he has coke all over his face.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And he's talking to the woman at the box office.
Guest:And he's like, can we get our money back?
Guest:And she's just staring at him like, is this really fucking happening right now?
Marc:Farley had just passed away like a month ago.
Marc:And that's the way Ross was, too.
Marc:He was always like up front, like.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:But he's like a lanky guy.
Marc:Wasn't an intimidating guy in any way.
Guest:Yeah, no, I don't think I ever saw him eat in the 10 years, 15 years I've known him.
Marc:Yeah, you know, I don't think I have either.
Marc:I think the fourth of, are you going to smoke cigarettes?
Marc:Merritt's.
Guest:Holy shit.
Guest:Yeah, I was turned on to Merritt's by a friend Merritt Lights.
Guest:Those are horrendous.
Guest:I dig them.
Guest:You do?
Guest:Yeah, there's no kind of hangover from it.
Guest:Sometimes I'll get shitty, smoky hangovers.
Marc:I mean, I haven't smoked in a long time, but when I tried to smoke Merritt's, I didn't enjoy them.
Marc:You're telling me you get some flavor out of those?
Marc:You like them?
Guest:It's not flavorful.
Marc:right it's it's not a flavorful experience but it does it's smooth okay you know that's important that's important i think the first time i ever met you was in minneapolis at acme you know and i don't know you hadn't moved anywhere yet and you look different yet short hair you look like i almost thought you're like who's this jockey looking dude who's judging me was that possible that you like never judged i don't judge
Marc:No, but that you looked sort of jockey, like your hair was, you looked sort of ripped a little bit.
Guest:Oh, jockey, I think I meant jockey like the horse, that guy rides a horse.
Marc:No, no, like you look sort of.
Guest:Oh, fratty.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:I mean, kind of, I don't know.
Marc:What were you doing in Minneapolis in, say, 1990, meh, I don't know.
Marc:Did you grow up there or something?
Guest:Yeah, I'm from Minnesota.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:Oh, that's why.
Marc:Yeah, born and raised.
Guest:Oh, okay.
Guest:Acme was my home club, so I used to go and watch everybody.
Marc:I think the last time we really hung out for any amount of time was when you showed up at that fucking party at Galvanakis.
Marc:Oh, my God.
Marc:You came to Zach Galvanakis' house in Venice with a pickup truck full of fucking fireworks.
Guest:Yeah, that was crazy.
Guest:What was that story?
Guest:That's still one of the funniest moments.
Guest:I used to talk about it on stage.
Guest:I had just come from Vegas and Zach was like, hey, I'm having a barbecue.
Guest:And me and my buddy used to drive to Vegas every 4th of July and we would go out into the middle of the desert and we would spend thousands of dollars on full illegal fireworks.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And not even like fireworks.
Guest:Like we would buy like grand finale.
Guest:Like one firework would cost like $100.
Guest:It was like major.
Guest:It was amazing.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:So we go to Zach's, like, barbecue in Venice.
Guest:And Venice is, you know, it's an intimate neighborhood.
Guest:And I unleashed these fireworks.
Marc:That's the greatest time.
Guest:People were just, you know, comfortably on the deck, like, eating hot dogs.
Guest:And all of a sudden, this just cacophony of just...
Guest:missiles it was so loud and Mark I'll never forget it Mark just saw this and just a little switch just flicked where he just became like 12 years old and all of a sudden it was like game on it was like where are the fireworks okay who's got a lighter and then
Guest:My favorite moment, I swear to God, it's one of my favorite moments of my entire life, is when they took this big box out, and it was one firework, and it was fucking huge.
Guest:And I think it was you, and you're like, give me that one.
Guest:And he fucking puts us in the middle of the fucking lawn, and you light the wick, and as you're running away, it fucking tips over and points back into the barbecue.
Guest:Oh, no.
Guest:I don't know if you remember that.
Guest:And all of a sudden, it was just like, zee!
Guest:And it's fireballs shooting at people.
Guest:And you were laughing like fucking Satan, dude.
Guest:You were just like, and I was laughing to tears.
Guest:And we were just laughing while people were just screaming.
Guest:And it was shooting fireballs into the bushes, into the trees, into the neighbors.
Guest:And we couldn't stop it.
Guest:It couldn't stop it.
Guest:It was just mayhem.
Guest:It was basically like...
Guest:Just pray that we're not all burned.
Marc:That was amazing.
Marc:And then we're out front shooting each other with Roman candles and it just never ended because like I was I was already sober.
Marc:So it was giving me a big old rush.
Marc:Running around setting shit on fire.
Guest:I saw my hand to God.
Guest:I still remember you were just on cloud nine.
Marc:You know, I had Dane Cook in here the other day.
Marc:Oh, you did?
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:How's Dane?
Guest:I just saw him last night.
Guest:Are you all pals?
Yeah.
Guest:Yeah, Dana and I get along.
Guest:We've always gotten along.
Guest:I mean, we've had kind of a weird, we had a weird kind of history, but we've always gotten along.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:But when I first moved to New York, it was so funny.
Guest:I mean, I'm talking 98, 97.
Marc:I remember you then.
Marc:Yeah, there was that whole, like a lot of people don't realize that Zach and you all started out doing regular standup, really.
Marc:We always did.
Guest:I always did clubs and stuff.
Guest:But everybody accused me of trying to be like Dane Cook.
Guest:And I was fucking 19.
Guest:I didn't even know who he was.
Guest:I mean, this was like, he wasn't anybody.
Guest:He was in Boston.
Guest:I had been doing stand-up in Minneapolis.
Guest:I'd done The Road.
Guest:And I was so young and physical.
Guest:And people were just like...
Guest:Oh, you're trying to be like Dane.
Guest:And I'm like, who the fuck is Dane?
Guest:And I was like really pissed off.
Guest:And it turns out we had the same manager.
Guest:And it was this weird kind of two physical guys.
Guest:And I actually changed my stand up in a lot of ways and became a lot more mellow.
Guest:and because kind of because of that i was really like pissed off so i was like all right i'm not going to be as high energy and i'm just going to fucking you know i brought it down a lot and i was just because i was so like it was so jarring to have show up in a new city already scared and intimidated and have people be like hey you're trying to be like blah blah i was like what the fuck is that guy yeah i wasn't you know i don't you don't strike me at all like him you got this build i don't either like i don't know why the fuck people are just lazy assholes you know people just like
Marc:But you're very much have a defined personality.
Guest:Right, right, right.
Marc:You know what I mean?
Marc:Well, whatever.
Marc:Now, tell me a little bit about Adam Sandler posse.
Marc:Uh-huh.
Marc:Well, I mean, I know I'm not in it because he doesn't like me.
Marc:I made him mad once because I said something about him on television.
Marc:And he came up to me and said, I heard you were talking about me.
Marc:And I said, yeah, I did it on television.
Marc:Right.
Marc:But there's definitely a crew, is there not?
Guest:Oh, yeah.
Guest:I mean, Adam, yeah, for sure.
Guest:Who's in it?
Guest:A lot of his buddies from NYU.
Marc:Oh, not comics?
Guest:Yeah, he's good friends with Kevin Nealon, Rock, Spade, and those guys.
Guest:Yeah, I mean, he definitely... Does he produce your movies?
Marc:Which ones did you write?
Marc:Didn't you write the last movie?
Guest:I wrote Grandma's Boy, Benchwarmers.
Guest:I helped him write on Chuck and Larry.
Guest:We just shot one that me and him wrote.
Marc:You just wrote it together?
Guest:Yeah, me and him.
Marc:Oh, so you guys are like partners.
Yeah.
Guest:Yeah, we've partnered up on a lot of stuff, but he's really cool.
Guest:And he just, you know, the thing about Adam is he gets, like, bummed out, like, when people talk shit about him.
Guest:Like, Adam doesn't talk shit about people, so he just gets, like, really, like, bummed out when people, you know, like, rag on him and stuff.
Guest:He just, he's kind of, like, you know, he just doesn't really, like... Get it?
Guest:Yeah, because he's just, like, you know, he does his thing, you know, and it's, like, he doesn't understand why people always, like, slam him.
Marc:Well, I don't know that I slammed him.
Marc:I used him as a descriptor.
Marc:Like, I said, like, I used him, like, as I was saying, like, the kind of, like, it would be as if me saying the kind of guy that likes Adam Sandler movies.
Marc:Right.
Marc:Is that saying something bad about him?
Guest:No, but, I mean, he could, you know, yeah.
Marc:Yeah, so it got ugly for a minute.
Marc:Really?
Marc:Well, no, he confronted me.
Marc:Like, I used to do this joke that had that sort of as a description in it.
Marc:You know, like, it was not in a positive light, necessarily.
Marc:Right.
Marc:And one of the dudes that I know, an old buddy of mine who I went to college with and used to write with in college, came up to me, you know, and said, you know, I can't believe you're shitting on Sandler in his own club.
Marc:And I'm like, what are you, a Sandler stooge?
Marc:I mean, you're here.
Marc:And it was, you know, Steve Brill?
Guest:Oh, yeah, I know Steve Brill really well, yeah.
Marc:Yeah, yeah, I went to college with him.
Guest:Did you really with Brill?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Oh, that's hilarious.
Marc:We're kind of good friends.
Guest:Brill owes me fucking $500.
Guest:For what?
Guest:I paid his bar tab at a fucking club.
Guest:Are you serious?
Guest:Yeah, this was years ago.
Guest:That fucking, I got to get that from him.
Marc:You do have to get that from him.
Guest:I know.
Marc:You paid his bar tab?
Guest:Fucking Brill, yeah.
Marc:Why do you say, like, fucking Brill?
Marc:Tell me a little bit about Steve Brill these days.
Guest:No, Brill's cool.
Guest:I love Brill, but it was, no, I just remember that because he's like, I mean, it was years ago, but he was just like, dude, can you get me?
Guest:And I was like, yeah, right.
Guest:And he's like, I'll get you back.
Guest:I just remember that.
Marc:That's a hell of a big bar tab to just say, can you cover me?
Marc:500 bucks.
Guest:Yeah, I mean, it was a club, so, you know, it's so fucking inflated at those things.
Guest:Jesus Christ.
Marc:Who the hell goes to clubs, dude?
Guest:I do sometimes.
Guest:It's not really my thing, but every once in a while, it's fun as shit.
Guest:Oh, my God.
Guest:Look at all these credits you have.
Marc:Click.
Marc:What was Click?
Marc:Click with Sandler.
Marc:Oh, that's right.
Marc:The weird remote control movie.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:It was actually really a deep movie.
Guest:I liked it.
Guest:Caveman?
Guest:Oh, you're in that.
Guest:I was in the Caveman pilot.
Guest:For fucking ABC, my buddy's director, and they call me up.
Guest:They're like, can you fucking just do this pilot?
Guest:I was like, what?
Guest:I'm like, I'm not going to be a fucking caveman, dude.
Guest:They're like, no, you don't have to be a caveman.
Guest:I'm like, all right.
Guest:So I'm doing this fucking pilot, and my buddy Nick Kroll is in the pilot, and he's got to go through 38 hours of makeup.
Guest:He has to show up at 3 a.m.
Guest:and just get the whole nine.
Guest:And the other guys are having allergic reactions.
Guest:They're just fucking so mad at me.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:like god damn it how did you get out of this fucking cave suit from hell that would be the worst case scenario like i know i mean getting on a show and obviously working is so great but it's like imagine being on fucking caveman for 10 years oh it's thank god it didn't go i've had nick in here it would have been the worst thing in the world for him because now he's really his career is sort of taken off in a nice way yeah he's so funny and he's just funny who he is you know imagine me stuck in that oh
Guest:thank god it didn't fucking work that would be horrific tell me about the movie you just did with adam um it was a romantic comedy for valentine's day and you play i play adam's cousin and uh anderson's boyfriend for the second half of the movie oh really yeah what's she like man so did you shot yeah like is she like does she smell nice and i mean is she like perfect and she's great she's like honestly she's the coolest nicest
Guest:sweet it's like she's just so down to earth i swear to god it's like i swear to god you wouldn't you wouldn't believe it she's that she's so grounded and like it's crazy awesome yeah my hand to god yeah and is uh did you now did anything weird happen on set ever
Guest:no does adam play fucking tricks on people do you have any like weird fucking stories no he doesn't he's just he's honestly like such like a good dude he just like makes sure like the crew and like everyone just is taken care of and like he's not he doesn't like prank people and shit like no like he's you know he's the thing about adam that people don't realize is he fucking works really really really hard
Marc:I found that from interviewing people, the guys that make it as big as him can't do it any other way.
Guest:There's no other way.
Marc:Yeah, you have to work really fucking hard.
Guest:And I'm genuine when I say it.
Guest:It's like, it's fucking insane to watch.
Guest:I mean, he juggles every duty.
Guest:He's working on one movie and he's helping write another one.
Guest:I mean, it's just like, it's incredible to watch.
Marc:Now you, when you guys write together, how does that work out?
Marc:You go over there sweaty after the car spa.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:It depends upon the movie.
Guest:But the last one we did that comes out next year, it was his idea.
Guest:And he really drove the writing.
Guest:And we would go to his house.
Guest:And he would really drive it.
Guest:He would drive the story and push.
Marc:Would it be more of a group thing?
Marc:You just sit there and throw ideas around?
Marc:Or would it be line for line?
Marc:Or like what?
Guest:I mean, I'm one of those people I like to start page one and just write.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And Adam likes to outline.
Guest:Right.
Guest:So we just try to find a hybrid where we can meet.
Marc:Do you go scene by scene?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Yeah, we'll go scene by scene and then line by line and literally like joke by joke.
Guest:And yeah, I mean, we do it like...
Guest:You know, I swear to God, we probably did 15 drafts of the last script.
Marc:No shit.
Guest:I swear to God.
Guest:It was the hardest.
Guest:I mean, I've worked on several movies and it was the hardest one I've ever done.
Marc:Now, when you got.
Marc:So you did like what I'm trying to remember.
Marc:So Reno 911 was like a big break for you, right?
Guest:Rear 911 was good, yeah.
Marc:Because you got very defined characters.
Guest:Yeah, I mean, the success of that was really a shock because we kind of started that show under the guise that it was going to get canceled right away.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:So, you know, they're like, hey, we have this show.
Guest:It's probably going to eat shit.
Guest:So do whatever the fuck you want.
Guest:You know what I mean?
Guest:Come up with whatever characters.
Guest:So I'm like, okay.
Guest:And so I thought of this, you know, crazy fucking flamboyant prostitute.
Guest:And then cut to like six years later, a movie.
Guest:I'm just like, fuck.
Fuck.
Guest:My mom still hasn't seen one episode.
Guest:Is horrified.
Guest:Are you serious?
Guest:Yeah, of course not.
Marc:Well, what's the story with her?
Marc:What do you mean?
Marc:She doesn't know you?
Guest:No, she just doesn't like, I don't know.
Guest:It's not how she pictures her son and fucking giving handjobs and bathrooms of taco cabanas.
Marc:But she knows you're a clown for fuck's sake.
Guest:No, I know, but it's old Minnesota.
Marc:Is both your folks still alive?
Marc:No, my father passed.
Marc:Sorry, buddy.
Marc:And your mom lives in Minneapolis?
Marc:St.
Marc:Paul.
Marc:It's old Minnesota.
Marc:What does that mean?
Marc:But they're not moralizing people.
Guest:No, I mean, it's just like she grew up in the suburbs in the 50s.
Guest:You know what I mean?
Guest:It's just like that.
Guest:You get along with her?
Guest:Yeah, yeah, we're really close.
Guest:But she just still like...
Guest:like polite and uh yeah very polite and uh i don't know she just she just likes to see me like not you know all the movies where i'm fucking crazy like we did i now pronounce you chuck and larry and i flew her out for the premiere yeah and i'm sitting next to her and then i'd realize like oh fuck
Guest:I marry Ving Rhames in this movie.
Guest:We have a wedding scene.
Guest:We fucking make out.
Guest:The end of the fucking movie is me slow dancing with Ving Rhames.
Marc:You forgot that?
Guest:I just totally like... Swift your mind?
Guest:Yeah, and then so my mom, just sitting next to my mom, I'm like, oh my god.
Guest:And I can hear my mom under her breath like, oh, oh no.
Guest:Oh no.
Guest:And I'm just like, fuck.
Fuck.
Guest:And then we walk out after the movie.
Guest:I'm like, did you like it?
Guest:And she's like, yeah, that was fun.
Guest:There was some fun stuff.
Guest:And then Ving Rhames walks up and he's like, is this my mother-in-law?
Guest:It was awesome.
Guest:It was so great.
Guest:My mom's like, yes.
Guest:Hi, how are you?
Marc:Did she know who he was from other movies?
Marc:How out of the loop is she?
Marc:No, she did.
Guest:Yeah, she's hip.
Guest:Where'd you grow up?
Guest:San Francisco?
Marc:Albuquerque, New Mexico.
Guest:Did you really?
Guest:Yeah, I did.
Guest:Jesus Christ.
Marc:I mean, my family's from New Jersey, but I grew up in Albuquerque.
Guest:Oh, how was that?
Marc:It was good.
Marc:It was probably like Minnesota.
Marc:It was arty and just big enough to be cool.
Marc:You know, it was all right.
Guest:I have family in Albuquerque.
Marc:You do?
Marc:What do they do there?
Guest:Fuck!
Guest:What do they do?
Guest:They're retired, my aunt and uncle.
Marc:They retired in Albuquerque?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:It's a good place.
Marc:Have you been there?
Marc:I've been there once, yeah.
Guest:It's not bad.
Guest:It wasn't bad.
Marc:When you go out on the road, though- It's a trip, though, man.
Marc:New Mexico is fucking- What do you mean it's a trip like how?
Marc:Did you run into some weirdness?
Guest:No, it's just like, I don't know.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:We shot that movie, The Longest Yard, in Santa Fe, and I was in Santa Fe for like two months.
Marc:You didn't shoot at that prison, did you?
Guest:Yeah, we fucking did.
Guest:And it was insane.
Guest:There were all these ghost stories.
Guest:There was all these fucking... Did anyone tell you about the riots?
Guest:Yes, of course.
Guest:Dude.
Guest:I almost threw up.
Guest:They were telling me these stories about guys.
Guest:I know what you're going to say.
Guest:If people don't know, these prisoners rioted in this jail.
Marc:I was there at the New Mexico State Penitentiary.
Marc:Yeah, go ahead.
Guest:And these prisoners rioted.
Guest:And they overthrew the guards and the entire thing.
Guest:And they just...
Guest:These guys went fucking apeshit in this prison, and they fucking tortured rat fucking guys in the prison.
Guest:They burned their eyes out with blow torches.
Guest:Yes!
Guest:Some guys were trying to escape, and they would literally push themselves through the bars and smash their own heads open.
Guest:It was like...
Guest:I'm going to fucking puke.
Guest:But my favorite thing was Adam's partner.
Guest:He was like, you know, we were all freaked out by this prison.
Guest:It was so creepy.
Guest:And there were so many ghost stories.
Guest:Like the crew was like, I just saw a fucking dude jump off the fucking... Come on.
Guest:I swear to God, people were freaking out.
Marc:I mean, that wasn't that long ago that riot was in like the 80s.
Guest:Yeah, I know.
Guest:But Adam's partner, his assistant slept over there overnight in one of the cells.
Guest:Get the fuck out of here.
Guest:Yeah, he couldn't have a phone.
Guest:He couldn't have anything.
Marc:That was a dare?
Yeah.
Guest:Yeah, he paid him like 500 bucks.
Guest:To do it?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And he did it?
Guest:Yeah, we were all like, we couldn't believe it.
Marc:But how the hell did you do that?
Marc:It's still a functioning prison.
Marc:I mean, how did you shoot there?
Marc:I mean, would they close off part of it?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Fuck.
Guest:Yeah, it was...
Guest:It was fucking intense as shit.
Marc:But you had a good time, though.
Marc:It's pretty, right, New Mexico?
Guest:It is beautiful, yeah.
Guest:It was cool.
Marc:We were in a movie together, but your movie career took off, mine not so much.
Marc:We were in Almost Famous, and you had one line in that, I think.
Guest:Bowie!
Guest:Yeah, yeah.
Guest:I did a little scene, but it got cut out.
Marc:Yeah, yeah.
Guest:But I remember it was you and me and Mitch.
Marc:Mitch Hedberg.
Guest:And fucking, who else was in it?
Guest:Was there a couple comics?
Marc:I feel like there was more.
Marc:Mitch was in that poker scene with Peter Frampton.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Fallon was in it.
Marc:Yeah, he was great.
Guest:Yeah, he was good.
Marc:There were a couple guys.
Marc:You guys, you're buddies with Fallon and with Jamie, right?
Marc:Pretty close.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Yeah, yeah.
Guest:Very good friends.
Guest:I love Jimmy.
Guest:With Fallon too?
Guest:Yeah, I love Jimmy.
Marc:Yeah, I want to do a show.
Marc:I actually like watching his show.
Guest:Yeah, I think his show's great.
Guest:I think he does a good job.
Marc:Yeah, I think so, too, because I think he's the only guy on TV that looks like he's having a fucking good time.
Guest:Yeah, he's totally excited.
Guest:Yeah, he loves it.
Guest:He loves what he does.
Guest:Yeah, you don't feel like he's working.
Guest:Yeah, he genuinely is excited to have people on.
Guest:He's such a sweet guy.
Marc:I feel like in a lot of the comedy they're doing, because 80 Miles is a head writer, they're doing long-form, weird, episodic sketches and shit.
Marc:It's pretty good.
Guest:Yeah, they do cool shit.
Guest:There was one, like...
Guest:Like he had somebody on.
Guest:Fuck, who was it?
Guest:Matt Damon?
Guest:I don't know.
Guest:Somebody in the, he's like, ah, all right.
Guest:So just so you know, we just set up some beer pong.
Guest:So let's play beer pong.
Guest:They like just played beer pong.
Guest:It was just like, yeah, it's cool, man.
Marc:So what's an average night out for you in terms of like, what'd you drink last night?
Marc:Just out of curiosity.
Guest:I just drank Bud Lights.
Guest:That's it?
Guest:It was Wednesday, so I try to pace out for the weekend.
Guest:I don't want to go too big.
Guest:Now, what happens on the weekend?
Guest:It can be a shit show.
Guest:Yeah?
Guest:It depends.
Guest:I'm a big sports freak, so if there's a big game on or if it's a fucking tense moment, I can kind of melt down.
Guest:Like when the Celtics lost to the Lakers, I had a complete nervous breakdown and I just was grabbing any bottle I could and just trying to numb.
Guest:You were drinking off other people's table?
Guest:Kind of like walking to the restaurant going, you done with that?
Guest:Yeah, I was just cannonball on people's tables.
Guest:How are you a sports fan?
Guest:How the fuck did that happen?
Guest:Oh my God, I'm a fucking psychotic my whole life.
Guest:I grew up in Minnesota.
Guest:It's like big sports town.
Guest:Like any sport?
No.
Guest:I'm a fan of most sports, yeah.
Guest:Diehard football, college basketball, baseball.
Guest:Those are my big three.
Guest:No shit.
Guest:Yeah, like fucking crazy.
Guest:Like what's the craziest?
Guest:Do you go to games?
Guest:Go to games, fly to games.
Guest:You fly to games?
Guest:Oh, yeah.
Marc:Like who do you follow in terms of flying to see them?
Guest:Like Minnesota Vikings, I'll fly to go see them.
Guest:I've seen, I'm a big college basketball, I'm a big Duke fan.
Guest:I've seen Duke win the national title twice, which I'm thrilled about.
Guest:And yeah, I just, I get fucking crazy.
Marc:Well, could you explain to me why sports is so good?
Marc:Because I'm like, I don't have it at all.
Marc:Like I can't.
Guest:I know, it's so weird to me.
Guest:Like people who don't, I have friends who are like, not many, but I have friends who just like don't, can't get into sports.
Guest:I just, I love sports.
Guest:I love sports because you're more into politics, right?
Guest:Not really.
Marc:Oh, okay.
Marc:I'm just into making myself feel better.
Guest:You're into Dasani water.
Guest:You're just really dialed in.
Marc:No, someone bought that.
Marc:No, I mean, yeah, I like politics.
Marc:But the comparison then would be that the competitive element of it, the feeling of competition is what's exciting.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And it's like, there's a winner and there's a fucking loser.
Guest:You know what I mean?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Politics are so much bullshit.
Guest:You know what I mean?
Guest:I have friends who are so political and it's just like, it's such a never ending cyclical fucking shit.
Guest:Tijuana toilet of fucking bullshit.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Politics is different because people are believing in things idealistically and the people that represent them will never realize those ideals.
Marc:And in a lot of politics, not a fair game.
Marc:Whereas like with sports, it's like, this is the rules.
Marc:This is how it goes.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:That's where we're going.
Guest:Yeah, it's just such a shit show.
Guest:Sports is like, you know, you have a team like the Minnesota Vikings are my football team.
Guest:They've been on my team since I was a kid.
Guest:Are they good?
Guest:Yeah, they're great.
Guest:And then we're going to win it this year.
Marc:Really?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:The whole thing?
Guest:Yeah, we're going to win the Super Bowl.
Guest:The Super Bowl?
Guest:Yeah, and I will be there and I'll probably be crying.
Guest:Do you really think they're going to do that?
Guest:Yeah, 100%.
Guest:We should have won it last year.
Marc:Okay, I'm not up on it.
Marc:So when you were younger, did you play sports?
Marc:I did.
Marc:I played sports my whole life.
Marc:So you were kind of jockey when I met you that first time.
Guest:I was a little jockey, but I wasn't like...
Guest:Yeah, I mean, I've always been jockey.
Marc:No, I just looked at you, and I thought, like, that guy's one of those guys.
Marc:And now look at you.
Marc:You're a fucking disaster.
Guest:Now look what happened.
Marc:You're rolling up the windows of your car so you could sweat out liquor.
Guest:That's how we do it.
Guest:I mean, Minnesota is a sports state, and I also found out we were the second drunkest city in the country.
Marc:Did you ever paint your face to go to games?
Guest:No, but I would.
Marc:You would.
Marc:Yeah, totally.
Marc:Why didn't you have someone do a documentary of you going to a game?
Guest:And who would enjoy that documentary?
Marc:To see you being a sports fan would be hilarious.
Guest:That's why I don't have a Twitter.
Guest:That's one of the main reasons I don't have a Twitter is because it would just be so clogged with just crazy sports shit that people would be like, all right, fucking A. Like trivia and shit?
Guest:No, just like melting down.
Guest:I literally threw the NBA playoffs to the Lakers and Celtics.
Guest:It was just melting down.
Marc:Like, what does that mean?
Marc:Okay, so you're freaking out, you're drinking, what are you, screaming?
Guest:Screaming, fucking screaming.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:Yelling, I've got the jersey.
Guest:You know, I usually have, you know, someone's all money on the game.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And it's just, yeah, I just, like... So you're by yourself, or you're, like, what?
Guest:Oh, no, I'm at bars, and, like...
Guest:Yeah, I get really bad.
Guest:You're pacing in a jersey, screaming.
Guest:Yes, pacing, jersey, screaming.
Guest:Like, we were shooting this movie when Duke was up in the national championship, and while they were, like, in the March Madness, I would watch my trailer by myself because I couldn't be around anybody, and I would just be screaming and throwing things and, like...
Guest:Fucking full melt.
Guest:I swear to God, you would not believe it.
Guest:Like just full nervous breakdown in public.
Guest:No, I had to sit in my trailer just by myself and freak out.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:Have you ever been asked to leave a bar?
Guest:Oh, yeah.
Guest:I mean, not a lot because sports bars, but I've gotten in fist fights.
Marc:So you go to sports bars to do this sports behavior?
Guest:Yeah, sometimes.
Guest:If it's a really big game, I can't be around people.
Guest:If it's something where I'm going to lose my mind, I have got to be by myself.
Guest:What were your sports when you were growing up?
Guest:What did you play?
Guest:I played soccer.
Guest:We were all city.
Guest:No big.
Guest:I played baseball.
Guest:I played tennis.
Guest:I played basketball.
Guest:Jesus Christ.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Who would have known this about you?
Marc:Does everyone know this about you?
Guest:I don't know.
Guest:A lot of people would probably not think of that, but I was good, too.
Guest:I used to play a lot of basketball.
Marc:Yeah, but I mean- Shooting guard.
Marc:I just killed it.
Marc:Now, so do you feel like you're drifting?
Marc:Are you comfortable with where you're headed?
Marc:What do you mean?
Marc:Just in general, physically and whatnot?
Marc:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm fine.
Guest:Yeah, okay.
Guest:I'm good.
Marc:You're not thinking, like, maybe I should work out?
Guest:I mean, I work out a little bit.
Guest:You know what I've been doing is yoga.
Guest:It's fucking amazing.
Guest:Yeah, I do yoga.
Guest:Do you really?
Marc:This yoga?
Marc:This yoga the kids are talking.
Marc:Yeah, I'll do the power yoga.
Guest:Yeah, I'm on board.
Guest:I was not going to be on board, and then it was another form of intense detoxing.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Would you do Bikram?
Guest:What do you do?
Guest:I tried Bikram, and that just kicked me in the fucking labia.
Marc:Yeah, you almost died, right?
Guest:Jesus Christ.
Marc:Right in the labia.
Guest:I fucking was doing Bikram.
Guest:I was actually doing it the other day.
Guest:It was 95 degrees in the room.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And I was fucking sweating so hard, which was great.
Guest:And I was so excited.
Guest:I was like getting all shit out of my system.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And then I was like, finally I couldn't handle it.
Guest:Right.
Guest:And I told the fucking teacher, I'm like, I got to get some water.
Guest:And he's like, okay.
Guest:And then I was like, you know what?
Guest:I think I'm done.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And I go, we're almost done, right?
Guest:And it was like an hour class.
Guest:And he's like, no, it's been 25 minutes.
Guest:And I was like, no shit.
Guest:And he was like, yeah.
Guest:And then I felt like an asshole.
Guest:Did you go back in?
Marc:No.
Marc:I've been in the hot yoga.
Marc:I wouldn't do Bikram, but I'll do the hot yoga because I like the power yoga in the hot.
Marc:I like the hot.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:Because it feels like it's doing something.
Marc:The same reason you're doing it.
Marc:I feel like this has got to be working for me.
Marc:But there have been times where I've almost fucking gone down.
Marc:Yeah, I bet.
Marc:I'm like, this is not good.
Marc:I know that it's not good for you to pass out.
Guest:It's not good.
Guest:Well, those fucking people died, remember?
Guest:No.
Guest:Was it in Arizona?
Guest:That guy led... This fucking guy wrote books and shit.
Guest:He led these people down to Arizona.
Guest:Well, that was in a sweat lodge.
Guest:And they did like a sweat lodge.
Guest:But it was yoga.
Guest:It was a whole thing.
Guest:And he made people stay in there and not drink water or whatever.
Guest:And like four people died.
Marc:They died.
Marc:Well, they really got their money's worth.
Marc:They're at peace now.
Marc:They are definitely enlightened more than the rest of us.
Guest:They're on another plane.
Guest:That's for sure.
Guest:When you drink, do you drive usually?
Guest:No, I'm kind of like, I used to, and I really cut that out.
Guest:Really?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Did you ever get busted?
Guest:I never did, knock on wood.
Guest:I can't believe I don't have a DUI.
Guest:I just can't believe it.
Guest:I can't believe it either.
Marc:Did you ever get your ass kicked?
Marc:No.
Marc:That's amazing too, isn't it?
Guest:Yeah, I can fight.
Guest:You can?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Have you been in fights?
Guest:I've been in fights, yeah.
Guest:Really?
Guest:Yeah, totally.
Guest:About what?
Guest:Sports?
Guest:Sports or just drunken mayhem.
Guest:Yeah, I've toned it down a lot, but like...
Guest:Yeah, I can get fucking kind of crazy.
Marc:What's your style?
Marc:Just like go crazy?
Marc:Or do you are you are you collected?
Guest:I'm the guy who's like I never really start shit unless someone starts with me.
Guest:Yeah, but like You know like yeah if somebody gets in my face my move my one of my favorite was sick spit in someone's face It's so disrespectful
Guest:And then they get so freaked out.
Guest:And you got to throw the first punch if you want a chance.
Guest:But it's also tricky because it's like you can get arrested.
Marc:Now that we're grownups, you can get arrested?
Marc:So you spit in their face and pop them?
Guest:I spit in their face and then they'll kind of throw a punch.
Guest:what the fuck yeah they can't like but i've been good for a while i mean you know with all the stuff i'm doing and you know you can't act like that so i mean that was years ago that i you mean when your your your star is rising you can't be a fucking disaster well i got like you know i got stuff coming out you know you got to be professional you know my manager sat me down a couple years ago and was just like you gotta just bring it down because me and my buddies started a literal fight club
Guest:Like a real one?
Guest:A real, like, fight club.
Guest:We would get drunk and fight on the lawn.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And I came in with, like, black eyes and, like, bruises all over.
Guest:And my manager was just like, yeah, this is stopping right now.
Marc:Which guy is Brilstein, Greg?
Guest:Bernie Brilstein.
Guest:Oh, so you dealt with the- Bernie was my manager for six years before he passed.
Guest:God rest his soul.
Marc:Yeah, I met him in Aspen, and I just remember going in the bathroom.
Marc:And he would take his pants all the way down.
Guest:Drop them, yeah.
Marc:Drop Charles.
Marc:Yeah, all the way.
Marc:Good for him.
Guest:Yeah, he was amazing.
Marc:Well, that's amazing.
Marc:So you actually got, you were like, what, invisible-ass clients, I guess, huh?
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:They signed on to work with himself.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:And what was that?
Marc:What was it like sitting with him?
Marc:Well, he told you he can't, he just wanted to stop you from having the Fight Club?
Guest:Yeah, he pulled the plug on Fight Club.
Marc:What other moments of wisdom did he have?
Guest:He was amazing, man.
Guest:He really was genius.
Guest:And his book, Where Did I Go Write, is a really great book if anybody wants to read.
Marc:But I mean, he represented some real train wrecks.
Guest:Yeah, I mean, that's when I was like, I should dial it down.
Guest:Because he represented Farley.
Guest:And Belushi.
Guest:Belushi.
Guest:And I mean, he handled Andy Dick for a while.
Guest:You know what I mean?
Guest:So I was like...
Guest:Yeah, I should probably tone it down.
Marc:But did he sit you down and say, you know, what the fuck are you doing?
Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest:He for sure did.
Guest:He called me up.
Guest:He's like, you got to come into the office.
Guest:And I was like, what?
Guest:And then I came in and he was like, you got to fucking stop this shit.
Guest:You know what I mean?
Guest:I was like, all right, sorry.
Guest:But it was great, because my dad had passed away, and Bernie kind of took his place, which was really cool.
Guest:He really was amazing.
Marc:Well, that's amazing.
Marc:So how old are you when that happened, when you signed with him?
Marc:25, maybe?
Marc:And how did that transpire?
Marc:Where did he see you?
Guest:I was with Barry Katz for a while, and I left Barry.
Guest:I actually avoided that one.
Guest:Yeah, that was interesting.
Marc:He asked me when he first started signing people back in 89.
Guest:Really?
Guest:Yeah, that was interesting.
Guest:You can take whatever you want.
Guest:Mark, you're amazing.
Guest:The world is whatever you want.
Guest:You're incredible.
Guest:I mean, whatever you want.
Marc:So let me understand.
Marc:It's okay to steal material on the road.
Marc:Oh, but Barry.
Marc:Yeah, do Barry.
Marc:Yeah, I mean, so you say, yeah, who's going to sing it?
Marc:Oh, yeah.
Marc:Give me the question again.
Marc:So I only have like 35 minutes.
Marc:How am I going to do an hour at a college?
Marc:All right.
Marc:Well, here's what you do.
Guest:Just you can borrow like from DiPaolo or guys like that.
Guest:You know what I mean?
Guest:Just take a couple.
Guest:Don't tell anybody.
Guest:And just do like switch, change one word.
Guest:And then you're fine.
Guest:You're getting by.
Guest:You know, that's what you got to do to survive.
Guest:But wouldn't I be stealing?
Guest:You know what?
Guest:You're borrowing from the community.
Guest:You know what I mean?
Guest:We're all kind of in this together.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:That's exactly how we do it.
Guest:Oh, God.
Guest:But so they just called me.
Guest:I left Barry and then they called me up and I took a meeting with Bernie.
Guest:And it was, you know, when you take a meeting with Bernie Brillstein, you're pretty much not taking many other meetings after that.
Marc:Right.
Guest:But he was great, man.
Guest:He was really honest in this old school Hollywood.
Guest:He was so fucking candid and amazing.
Guest:Like, I'll never forget.
Guest:I did Jimmy Kimmel once.
Guest:And I was promoting some shit.
Guest:And then I was, you know, I was definitely hung over.
Guest:And I got off stage and I went to the green room and everyone always kisses your ass.
Guest:You know, when you fucking do TV and managers.
Guest:You're great.
Guest:Yeah, that was, oh, dude.
Guest:Hilarious, man.
Guest:That was, no, that was gold.
Guest:It was all gold.
Guest:Oh, no.
Guest:So fucking, it was that shit show.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And then I call Bernie.
Guest:I'm like, hey, did you see it?
Guest:And he goes, yeah, I saw it.
Guest:And I go, what'd you think?
Guest:And he goes, we were funny.
Guest:You know, it was just funny.
Guest:And he goes, you look like you slept in a fucking dumpster.
Guest:He's like, Jesus Christ, put on a fucking clean shirt.
Guest:You're on TV.
Guest:And I sort of got to look down at my shirt and he's like, you have two stains.
Guest:I looked down, I had two stains on my shirt.
Guest:And I was like, nobody, nobody wanted to point that out to me when I was about to do national television.
Guest:But he was just like that, man.
Guest:He was great.
Guest:And I have a character that I do called Gay Robot.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And he always called it Gay Robot.
Guest:That was my favorite.
Guest:Robot?
Guest:Robot.
Guest:The Gay Robot.
Marc:Didn't he know how to say robot?
Guest:Robot's like, I guess, an old, I don't know.
Guest:Is that how you say it?
Guest:I guess it's old timey.
Guest:Robot.
Marc:Did he have a good time?
Guest:all the way through i mean did you say at the end that he was awesome he loved everything yeah he was great he loved you know he had a you know he had definitely had a roller coaster of a life but he had an amazing life yeah but he was very sweet and he was well loved and he was surrounded by people who loved him and what what do you got coming out now
Guest:I got my own show coming out this fall.
Guest:It's called Comedy Central.
Guest:It's called Nick Swartzen's Pretend Time.
Guest:What's the angle?
Guest:It's a sketch show, but it's not where I talk to the crowd and the stage or anything.
Guest:It's just more like...
Guest:More like video sketches and just they kind of segue into each other and it's fucking out there and it's definitely crazy.
Guest:Me and Tom Giannis, you know Tom, right?
Guest:From where?
Guest:Tom did Human Giant.
Guest:Yeah, I'm sure I met him.
Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest:Heavy set dude rides a motorcycle.
Guest:Used to date Sarah Silverman.
Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest:I kind of know him.
Guest:He's brilliant, man.
Guest:But it was his idea for the show and then we collaborated and it was awesome.
Guest:How many did you shoot?
Guest:Seven episodes.
Guest:They're all done?
Guest:Yeah, it comes out in October.
Guest:They look good?
Guest:Yeah, I mean we do sketches like, you know that show Man vs. Wild?
Guest:Have you heard of it?
Guest:Uh-uh.
Guest:Oh, wait, I have heard of it.
Guest:Yeah, Man vs. Wild.
Guest:We did a sketch called Man vs. Wild vs. Cocaine, and it's me out in the fucking woods as a wilderness guy, and I find cocaine, and then I just melt down trying to do my wildlife show.
Guest:It's shit like that.
Guest:We really push it.
Marc:Do you still do cocaine in real life, occasionally?
Guest:No, I stopped doing coke a while ago.
Marc:How'd that wall hitting go?
Guest:Oh, my God.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:The cocaine wall is, I don't recommend it for anybody out there.
Guest:Do not hit the cocaine wall.
Marc:I can't even imagine what that meant for you.
Guest:Oh, my God.
Guest:It was years ago.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:But thank God I hit it.
Marc:Did you drive your car into something or just stay up for three weeks?
Guest:No.
Guest:I bought like an eight ball of stripper Coke in an alley.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:And, you know, I made the mistake of, you know, when you buy an eight ball and I was like, oh, this will last me the weekend.
Guest:Oh, no.
Guest:Like, really?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And so it lasted about three hours.
Guest:And I think it was cut with like anthrax and fucking.
Guest:Awesome.
Guest:You know.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Mermaid farts or something.
Marc:Mermaid farts.
Marc:They always used to cut it with that.
Guest:So I was, I couldn't, I couldn't sleep.
Guest:My piss was like foaming.
Guest:I was like in a fetal position.
Guest:My heart was just racing for like three days straight.
Marc:Should I call the hospital?
Guest:Should I call the hospital?
Guest:Yeah, it was just, it was awful.
Guest:Good for you though.
Guest:Good for you for having a good time.
Guest:I did, yeah.
Guest:But I just, you know, I drink alcohol and it's fine.
Guest:I don't smoke weed that much anymore either.
Guest:Just the booze?
Guest:Old school.
Guest:Yeah, I don't booze.
Guest:I don't drink every day.
Marc:I'm not accusing you of that.
Guest:I think you are, Mark.
Guest:I'm not.
Marc:You always feel that because I don't drink.
Marc:That might be what will happen.
Marc:I hope.
Marc:You could be that.
Marc:That's a good life.
Marc:When did you quit drinking again?
Oh.
Marc:It's going to be 11 years in August.
Marc:Is that true?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:I didn't know that.
Guest:Did I know you when you were a fucking crazy drinker?
Marc:A bit.
Marc:Yeah, I mean.
Guest:I must have.
Marc:In New York.
Marc:I mean, it got pretty ugly in 99, 2000, so I quit in like 2000.
Guest:Were you like Janine?
Guest:Remember when Janine used to drink?
Marc:I don't remember what she'd do.
Guest:You didn't?
Marc:No, I remember.
Guest:Back in New York when she would.
Guest:Yeah, but she was never.
Guest:Oh, it was so funny.
Marc:I hung around Broccoli a little bit in that scene before he freaked out on me and decided that I had had sex with his girlfriend or something.
Guest:Right.
Marc:Something turned in him.
Marc:But I was living with a woman in New York that wouldn't tolerate me drinking, so it all had to be done clandestinely.
Marc:So I'd be out at night after Monday night at Luna.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:That was the fucking night for me.
Guest:Oh, that was the best.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:Money Nights and Luna were epic.
Marc:Yeah, but that's when I'd get fucked up, and then it'd last until Wednesday.
Guest:Right.
Marc:And somehow I'd pretend like I could get away with it.
Marc:Like, if I just get to the coke guy early, I'll go before the show and just... Ugh.
Marc:Like, I got baby Jane Hudson working on my dick.
Guest:That's awesome.
Guest:Oh, what about that time you and me and...
Guest:I don't know if I should say his name.
Guest:Remember, we went to the comedy store and we ended up at that old dominatrix's house.
Guest:Oh, what the fuck happened?
Guest:You and me were at the comedy store.
Guest:We ran into a... I don't want to say his name.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:But me and our buddy, we'll say his name is Jim.
Guest:We were at the comedy store.
Guest:We were hanging out.
Guest:We were...
Guest:And this old 50-year-old, 55-year-old dominatrix lady, we didn't know she was a dominatrix, and she's like, hey, I'll have After Bar in my apartment.
Guest:And Jim's like, let's go over there.
Guest:And we're like, okay.
Marc:I'm barely remembering this.
Guest:And we go, and we're sitting on the fucking couch, and she pours me a glass of fucking lukewarm Cuervo, which...
Guest:Yeah, it's not high on my wish list.
Guest:This must have been 98, 99?
Guest:No, this was later.
Guest:This was 2001, maybe.
Guest:So it was right before I got sober or was I sober?
Guest:I think you were just sober.
Guest:Right, okay.
Guest:And we were at this chick's house and she puts in a VHS tape and it's her whipping like some girl.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And you turn to me and you're like, is this fucking happening right now?
Guest:And I'm like, dude, this is not no bueno.
Guest:And she goes, hold on a second.
Guest:She goes into the fucking next room and gets on this fucking outfit.
Guest:And she was like, you guys into this or something like that?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And I was like, yeah, I'm not.
Guest:And you're like, I'm not.
Guest:And we're like, let's go.
Guest:And Jim's like, hey, I'm going to stay here.
Guest:I'm just going to.
Guest:I fucking was like, what?
Guest:And we left.
Marc:It was like totally uncomfortable.
Marc:The fact that I don't remember that precisely is crazy.
Marc:That's crazy.
Marc:I remember pieces of it, though.
Guest:It was insane.
Guest:We were laughing at our house.
Guest:We walked out of there and we're like... Because Jim got us into it, though.
Guest:Jim got us into it 100%.
Guest:And then I saw Jim the next day and I'm like, what the fuck, dude?
Guest:Did you get a fucking whip in your asshole?
Guest:And he's like, no, no, I left right after you guys.
Guest:I'm like, my God.
Guest:Jesus Christ in heaven.
Marc:Do you have memories like that where it's just like pieces?
Marc:Just pieces of things?
Guest:I for sure do, though.
Guest:The worst, though, is my memory of people and faces is so horrendous.
Marc:Well, if you've lived in enough cities, it becomes impossible to place people.
Guest:It does, right?
Guest:I always feel guilty, but I meet like 5,000 people all the time.
Marc:You get to a certain age where you're like, I know, but I don't know where you fit into the...
Marc:Big picture.
Marc:Yeah, yeah.
Marc:Like, are you New York?
Marc:Are you Minneapolis?
Marc:Are you Boston?
Marc:Like, I mean, I've been in San Francisco, New York, L.A., Boston over the last 25 years.
Marc:Right.
Marc:So where's your piece of this?
Marc:I don't fucking know.
Marc:I saw a chick yesterday who I went to college with.
Marc:And, like, I had to, you know, screw her into the right hole.
Marc:Like, she was best friends with my first girlfriend in college, but I didn't know if she knew my first wife or not.
Marc:Like, it just gets a little crazy.
Guest:Right.
Guest:Yeah, no, it's brutal.
Guest:I, like...
Guest:I feel bad.
Guest:And then I feel bad when people are like, we just fucking, we did the thing.
Guest:And it's like, all right.
Guest:You got tour coming up or no?
Guest:No, I'm taking some time off.
Guest:I'm shooting a couple more movies.
Guest:I got three movies coming out next year.
Guest:I'm super fired up.
Marc:One that you co-wrote with Sandler and the other ones?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:No, the other ones I did not write.
Guest:But, yeah, I'm going to get back into stand-up.
Guest:I'm kind of chipping away and starting from scratch and trying to write a new hour.
Guest:I like to have new material.
Guest:I know you do, too.
Guest:I can't fucking do stand-up if I'm telling the same jokes over and over.
Marc:It's because you want to die in your body.
Guest:Yeah, it's just awful.
Marc:People don't realize.
Marc:All it takes is one new joke to lively up everything else, but you want to get it.
Guest:Yeah, you want to get a full show.
Guest:I just feel like I'm not a scam fucking guy where so many comics go and they, you know, they just hoard themselves out for the money, but it's not, you know, it's a show that's like people could watch it on, you know what I mean?
Marc:Yeah, you want to have a whole new hour.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Yeah, so people don't go back and say like, oh, he's doing the same shit.
Guest:Yeah, we're in a fucking recession.
Guest:I'm not going to have people fucking waste their money.
Marc:And what's the name of the Nick Schwartz?
Guest:It's called Nick Schwartz and Pretend Time and it's October 12th.
Marc:All right, buddy.
Marc:Well, I'm glad you did this.
Marc:I think we got a lot done.
Guest:Yeah, buddy.
Guest:Thank you for having me always.
Guest:Do you want me to tell you how to get home or you can be all right?
Guest:I'll just, I'll find the nearest bar and just figure it out.
Guest:I'll float home at some point.
Guest:All right, buddy.
Marc:Okay, I hope you enjoyed that show.
Marc:I hope you enjoyed Nick.
Marc:I hope you enjoyed my spiritual search.
Marc:I'm in, I'm outside of the, okay, it's happening.
Marc:I'm peeing.
Marc:I'm peeing on the side of the road.
Marc:Fuck all of you.
Marc:Someone try to stop me.
Marc:All right, go to WTFPod.com for all your WTFPod needs and PunchWineMagazine.com and JustCoffee.coop.
Marc:And I'm going to be in England July 28th through the first week of August.
Marc:That was pretty good pee.
Marc:I don't think it was as good as peeing behind a rock.
Guest:And live What the Fuck at UCB Theater.
Guest:July 16th with Craig Robinson here in Los Angeles.
Marc:Triple Rock Social Club, Minneapolis.
Marc:July 17th.
Marc:July 18th and 19th, Union Hall, New York, Brooklyn.
Marc:July 23rd, Great Scott, Alston, Massachusetts.
Marc:July 21, Wednesday, Comics 2, live WTFs with Jeff Garland, Judith Friedlander, and many others.
Marc:7.30 and 9.30.
Marc:Aha.
Marc:You missed it, lady.
Marc:You missed it.
Guest:Alright, I'll talk to you soon.