Episode 83 - Jim Jefferies
Guest:Lock the gates!
Guest:Are we doing this?
Guest:Really?
Guest:Wait for it.
Guest:Are we doing this?
Guest:Wait for it.
Guest:Pow!
Guest:What the fuck?
Guest:And it's also, eh, what the fuck?
Guest:What's wrong with me?
Guest:It's time for WTF!
Guest:What the fuck?
Guest:With Mark Maron.
Marc:Okay, let's do this.
Marc:How are you?
Marc:What the fuckers?
Marc:What the fuck buddies?
Marc:What the fucking ears?
Marc:What the fuck nicks?
Marc:Whatever you want to call yourselves.
Marc:I don't know.
Marc:All of a sudden, people are still emailing me names that I could use.
Marc:I got what the fuck tards, which I'm not going to use.
Marc:I'm sorry I even said it just then.
Marc:What the fuck ups?
Marc:That's okay.
Marc:What the fuck?
Marc:There's a lot of them.
Marc:I thought we'd settled this.
Marc:But certainly I probably will integrate some of your suggestions in the future.
Marc:On today's show, we have Jim Jeffries.
Marc:He's an Australian comedian that made his bones in London.
Marc:And you may see him around the States because he did a fairly popular and pretty fucking good HBO special.
Marc:I'm looking forward to talking to Jim.
Marc:I hope you enjoy it.
Marc:I am still...
Marc:In San Francisco.
Marc:I don't know if you knew I was there, but I am here.
Marc:I did a show last night with Greg Barron called Bring the Rock, where I sang and played guitar on stage for the first time in probably 30 years.
Marc:And you know what?
Marc:It was great.
Marc:I had a great time, and when I got on stage, I was fearless.
Marc:What the hell is that about?
Marc:How can I spend my entire life being frightened of doing something, and then when I finally get up to do it, I have no fear?
Marc:What is I don't even understand it.
Marc:I was uncomfortable not being afraid.
Marc:I'm going to do and I think I'm going to do a whole episode about it because I made a bunch of tapes, a bunch of recordings.
Marc:We'll see if we can, you know, wrangle it into an episode so you can enjoy the process of me freaking out and then just doing it and being up there.
Marc:But all I can assume is that most of the things we're afraid of and most of the things that we allow to be obstacles in our lives are just it's an illusion.
Marc:You just got to do it.
Marc:I mean, what's the worst that can happen is you fail and everybody laughs at you and then you feel like an asshole.
Marc:I mean, that's the worst that can happen.
Marc:You're not going to die unless you kill yourself.
Marc:And if you're that fragile, I don't think you should be embarking on conquering those fears.
Marc:Maybe you should seek help and deal with it that way.
Marc:I'm not even sure.
Marc:But I will tell you this.
Marc:I've been on the road for months now, and I'm finally feeling a little beat up, a little sick, a little unhealthy.
Marc:I can no longer not have a bacon cheeseburger.
Marc:Even if there's healthy options on the menu, I have to have the bacon cheeseburger because that's where I'm at.
Marc:I'm going to get a physical.
Marc:We actually while you're listening to this if you get it early Monday morning I will be at the doctor getting a physical and I'm a little concerned Because I have literally been injecting pork fat and beef blood into my system on a fairly regular basis I have no idea what that's gonna mean for me.
Marc:What if my cholesterol is too high?
Marc:What if I have to get healthy and also as I said before to some of you who are listening I I should
Marc:If I have kept my promise, I should be not doing any nicotine today in any form.
Marc:I should be.
Marc:Because this is not happening in real time, I can't tell you whether or not that's true.
Marc:You will have to wait until Thursday for me to get involved in the process because I'm getting emails from some of you now.
Marc:I was saying like, you do it, I'm going to do it, which is a lot of pressure on me because maybe my addictive brain at this point is saying, yeah, I think we can wait a little longer on this.
Marc:I mean, it's still pretty good and you haven't had any snooze for two days.
Marc:So, I mean, like the lozenges and the nicotine aren't that bad.
Marc:Let me fucking tell you something, people.
Marc:I have no idea what my baseline even looks like.
Marc:I don't know who I am.
Marc:I drink about a pot and a half of coffee a day.
Marc:I eat nicotine.
Marc:I have no idea what I even look like.
Marc:And from all accounts, if I take that stuff away, it could get ugly.
Marc:I mean, there could be crying.
Marc:There could be yelling.
Marc:There could be a lot of amazing rationalizations, just flights of fancy about why I'm fucked.
Marc:That could happen, but you know what that sounds like to me?
Marc:Good podcasting.
Marc:What do you think of that?
Marc:To what end am I going to go to keep this show interesting?
Marc:Hey, why don't I just get arrested?
Marc:That'll be fun.
Marc:Why don't I do that?
Marc:Why don't I go out, maybe drive my car into a wall or do some shoplifting, and then we'll do Marc Maron in prison.
Marc:Hey, look at that.
Marc:He looks good with a wig.
Marc:Who knew that Marc would be that guy?
Marc:I don't think I want to do that.
Marc:Scratch that.
Marc:Bad idea.
Marc:I don't feel like being anyone's bitch.
Marc:I don't think that would be good podcasting.
Marc:I think that eventually you guys would be like, I really like this show at the beginning, but now it seems to have gotten a little sad.
Marc:I'm sorry Mark felt that he had to do that to make it entertaining for us, but I really can't listen to this anymore because that guy in his cell keeps interrupting him, and then when he hits him, it's not good entertainment.
Marc:I feel bad for Mark.
Marc:And I wish we could help him.
Marc:Maybe we should send him a cake with a file in it.
Marc:Let's get to some important stuff.
Marc:Justcoffee.coop is available at wtfpod.com.
Marc:And they've been my sponsors since before WTF.
Marc:And if you get the WTF blend, I get a little bit of kickback from that.
Marc:So enjoy that.
Marc:And if you people aren't on my mailing list, you should be.
Marc:Because Brian, the intern,
Marc:um is putting a lot of effort and work into making those look spectacular and you get a lot of information on the people that are on the show you get more information about me which seems to be a never-ending resource i i'm fucked up you know i got to get out of my head i got to do some service work i got to do i got to do something but you know what else i learned though what i'm starting to learn is that i don't have to be afraid of anything i'm 46 years old it's it's too late
Marc:It's gone on too long.
Marc:From here on out, I'm not going to be afraid of bullshit.
Marc:I'm going to do what I want to do if it doesn't hurt me or other people.
Marc:I'm going to eat things within reason if it's not too horrible.
Marc:I'm going to try to figure out how to have a good time.
Marc:I'm not going to skydive.
Marc:I'm not going to climb Everest.
Marc:I've talked about this stuff before.
Marc:But I might go enjoy a symphony.
Marc:Who's to say that I don't like that?
Marc:Or maybe an opera.
Marc:I met somebody that said that works at the opera, a seamstress for the opera.
Marc:And and she said that I should go to the opera.
Marc:I don't know anything about that.
Marc:I think it's time to get back to that stuff.
Marc:I don't like all this disposable entertainment.
Marc:I want to see stuff that has been entertaining for centuries, that that has meaning and significance, that rises above the rabble and elevates the human spirit.
Marc:But it's in another language.
Marc:And to me, that's a deterrent.
Marc:I mean, how much can I enjoy it if I don't understand what the fuck you're saying?
Marc:I could say that's a nice song, I think.
Marc:And it's good costumes.
Marc:But fuck it.
Marc:Maybe opera is not the thing.
Marc:Maybe.
Marc:What are some other ideas?
Marc:Ballet.
Marc:That's cultural.
Marc:Why don't I go see some ballet?
Marc:Because I don't really understand ballet beyond the point where they're like, oh, she's spinning around.
Marc:Oh, she's flying.
Marc:And oh, that guy caught her.
Marc:Yay.
Marc:But that's more like athletics.
Marc:I don't understand that.
Marc:Modern dance.
Marc:That's a little interesting if it's not silly.
Marc:Perhaps more theater.
Marc:Oh, shit, though.
Marc:There's nothing worse than bad theater.
Marc:Have you ever had to sit through a bad play?
Marc:That is like fucking torture because they're on so many levels.
Marc:It's like, oh, the acting's bad.
Marc:I feel sorry for the actors.
Marc:The play is poorly written.
Marc:This is embarrassing.
Marc:Why doesn't someone get on stage and help them?
Marc:Someone should put a stop to this.
Marc:Have you ever had that feeling when you're watching a play?
Marc:I'm getting up there.
Marc:Enough is enough.
Marc:So what's going on with me?
Marc:Today is Monday.
Marc:If you're listening to this on the day that it came out.
Marc:Oh, I do want to say this, that I recently went through a breakup with a woman.
Marc:And here's something I learned about myself.
Marc:I don't know how to break up with people.
Marc:It's new to me.
Marc:I don't know how to do it.
Marc:And to be quite honest with you, if I'm left to my own devices, I will not break up with somebody.
Marc:And I've had this happen to me before.
Marc:I will marry a person before I break up with them, which I think is unfair to everybody involved.
Marc:Breaking up is hard to do.
Marc:Has anyone ever said that before?
Marc:Fuck, I think I'm going to write a song.
Marc:That sounds hooky, doesn't it?
Marc:But I don't really know how to do it because you know what the problem with breaking up is?
Marc:Here's the problem.
Marc:If somebody likes you a lot, why wouldn't you want to have them around?
Marc:Even if you don't like them as much, why not just have them around?
Marc:It's very nice.
Marc:It's very nice.
Marc:It's like, hey, how's it going?
Marc:I like you.
Marc:Cool.
Marc:Thanks for hanging out.
Marc:But then, unfortunately, if that goes on too long, then it becomes like, hey, what's going on?
Marc:I like you.
Marc:And then you're like, why?
Marc:Why?
Marc:I'm nothing but a dick to you because I don't like you as much.
Marc:Why do you still like me?
Marc:And they're like, I like you even more now.
Marc:And then you're really fucked.
Marc:So then you have to figure out, like, I have to explode this situation or try to be an adult.
Marc:That's the big question.
Marc:How do you break up without drama?
Marc:I don't know about you guys, but for me, the best way to break up used to be, why not cause as much shit as possible, as much chaos, as much pain, and as much drama to where the person is like, I can't fucking put up with this shit anymore.
Marc:I'm leaving.
Marc:And secretly like, oh, my plan worked.
Marc:Why would you do it that way as opposed to, look, I just don't think this is working out.
Marc:And I think we've been through a lot together and it's been fun.
Marc:And, but I just don't, I don't think there's a future in it and I'm sorry.
Marc:And then they start crying and then you're like, oh, don't cry.
Marc:And why are you upset?
Marc:Oh, come here.
Marc:Okay.
Marc:Let's just keep going.
Marc:That's the problem.
Marc:That's right.
Marc:I'd rather just blow the shit up, blow it up.
Marc:I didn't do that this time though.
Marc:I was mature.
Marc:I just said a few mean things, but responsibly mean, you know, like a couple mean things to make sure that I could put the boundary up and then maintain it.
Marc:And then you just you just stop taking texts.
Marc:Do not break up over text or email.
Marc:That's bullshit.
Marc:I was taught that.
Marc:Fucking man up or woman up or whatever.
Marc:Meet in person or do it on the phone or do it screaming outside of their window.
Marc:But usually that's the other side of it.
Marc:The screaming outside the window is usually the person that was broken up with.
Marc:I've done that before.
Marc:What the fuck?
Marc:Why?
Marc:Why?
Marc:This is bullshit.
Marc:Let me in the fucking house.
Marc:Let me in the fucking house.
Marc:And that's just, that is just shy of an opera right there or a musical.
Marc:Like if I was to write one, an opera musical that I would wanna see, that would be the opening scene.
Marc:A guy out in front of a house going, why, why won't you let me in the house, you fucking bitch?
Marc:I wasn't that bad.
Marc:And then like, you know, bad.
Marc:Remember when it was so good and we liked each other.
Marc:Let me in the fucking house, you bitch.
Marc:What do you think?
No?
Marc:I also didn't realize the amount of competition that was involved in that.
Marc:If you didn't do your own publicity, no one's going to fucking come.
Marc:So the disadvantage was I was on a two-person show.
Guest:When you're competing with that many people.
Guest:And also, they have that mentality of if it's two people, then it's shit.
Guest:That's right.
Guest:Can't you do an hour?
Guest:That's a mentality.
Guest:That is a mentality.
Marc:And I had no idea about that shit.
Guest:And you've got a lot of guys that should only be doing 20 minutes who are doing an hour at the festival.
Guest:But I started off in a...
Marc:uh a 30 seater and now this year my seat with 1200 seats but it it you have to go each year if you have a year off well that was the thing and they're like oh we forgot about you yeah right by the way my guest in the uh garage here at the cat ranch cat ranch cat ranch jim jeffries hello the british phenomenon i was australian but uh you were australian as well i've my my career's been in britain so
Marc:So you're the second guy I've had on that was Australian in origin.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Me and Brendan are very similar in that way.
Guest:Brendan was the first guy to help me out when I got to the UK.
Guest:We actually grew up in the same town and everything.
Guest:So, yeah.
Marc:Well, that's cool.
Marc:So you guys go way back?
Guest:No, but we have mutual friends in Australia from before I was a comic.
Guest:I'd heard about Brendan Burns and I never met him.
Guest:I only met him in London.
Marc:Well, he's a very intense guy, and we got to some spiritual, mystical shit.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:But it's interesting.
Marc:You're talking about Edinburgh.
Marc:When I went there and I did a month there, the experience was so fucking miserable for me in so many ways.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:And granted, I wasn't in the great mental space, but when people said, oh, yeah, you just got to keep coming back and build your following, I'm never fucking coming back.
Guest:Yeah, yeah.
Guest:No, no.
Guest:Well, they reckon the average loss is 5,400 and something pounds.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Average loss.
Guest:For the first year or in general?
Guest:Just in general.
Guest:The average loss to a comedian over the whole course of the whole thing.
Guest:So you've got to think, like, if guys like me are making money, there's blokes that are losing $15,000.
Marc:Yeah, and I was lucky that I was produced.
Marc:But, you know, I'm changing my tune about...
Marc:Traveling abroad I was just in Glasgow.
Guest:I think I was there that for the festival that you did yeah, you were playing a theater and you were you just got me barely made it I Barely made it I had to lie to airlines and say that my mother was on a deathbed for me to get on the planes to I'd gotten so far that I was like I'm not going back now so you came from LA I
Guest:I came from LA and then we stopped off at Newark to change planes to go to Glasgow.
Guest:And then at Newark, there was some storm or something.
Guest:No planes were leaving, except I found one plane that was going to Frankfurt.
Guest:And I was meant to get there 40 hours early before the gig.
Guest:Like I wasn't getting there like six hours before.
Guest:And from meant to get there 40 hours before, I got there 40 minutes late.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:But I was traveling the whole time and people were like, oh, couldn't you?
Guest:So I had to tell people, oh, my mother's dying, so that people would get off the plane so that I could get on the plane.
Guest:Did you sell it?
Guest:You did it?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:So this guy's got acting chops.
Guest:I feel awful about it.
Guest:But it was either that or the show just didn't happen.
Guest:It was a lot of money.
Guest:And it was also, I was already in Frankfurt by that stage.
Guest:and I'd been traveling for 30 hours already, and I was like, I'm not going back now.
Marc:So all the exhaustion and the emotional, you're already emotionally fucking upset, so you're like, I can work with this.
Guest:Yeah, yeah.
Guest:My mother's dying.
Guest:My mother's dying, which everyone is, you know.
Guest:I didn't stipulate the day.
Guest:My mother's a funny one.
Guest:She's in hospital right now.
Guest:I once left the Edinburgh Festival about four days early because my mother was allegedly dying.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And our doctor, our family doctor rang us up and went, oh...
Guest:You know, yeah, she's only got a week or whatever.
Guest:So I jumped on a plane and got back.
Guest:And then she didn't die.
Guest:In fact, by the time I got back there, they were going on about how healthy was.
Guest:I spiritually picked up when you were coming home.
Guest:I feel like I'm happy.
Guest:Look, I'm happy.
Guest:My mom's not dead.
Guest:Happy about that.
Guest:But I feel slightly like, come on this time, if you're going to ring me.
Guest:Make sure she's done.
Guest:Because that flight cost like three grand because I got it at the last second.
Guest:You know what I mean?
Guest:And then I was just dicking around Australia, just sitting there going, all right.
Guest:She's all right.
Guest:She had something called arthritic lungs, which I never heard of before.
Guest:Your lungs just wrinkle up like into ping pong balls.
Marc:Oh, God.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:Yeah, yeah.
Marc:But so because of that, you generally have the freedom to say, my mother is dying.
Guest:My mother's dying.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:She's been, you know, terminally ill.
Marc:Maybe not this week.
Guest:there's no indication they put her on oxygen for a while she's on oxygen so you know but it's like I always think that it's weird about things like that it's like she's on oxygen and she's still driving and shit oh she's got the tank oh yeah got a little tank was she a smoker no she was up until the age of
Guest:uh 35 and then she had me and then she didn't smoke in my lifetime but she's uh so you can't blame that no i can't blame that but she she um yeah she she's never she's morbidly obese oh really yeah bad solid yeah solid woman does that like see like i have this weird thing with fat
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:It's frightening to me.
Guest:I'm an overweight guy, but I'm not a fat, fat guy.
Marc:No, you're just a little... You look like you got a lot of booze calories.
Guest:Yeah, yeah.
Marc:Yeah, exactly.
Guest:I've got bloating.
Marc:Yeah, yeah.
Marc:I think if you stopped drinking for three days, you'd be svelte.
Marc:You'd probably have abs.
Guest:And that's me and my brother is the same thing because you have a fat mom.
Guest:And not only did I have a fat mom, but I had a fat mom, like we're talking about 400 pounder.
Marc:Oh my God, 400 pounder.
Guest:As if it's a category.
Guest:Who was a teacher at our school.
Guest:Oh God.
Guest:You know, it's only so many times that I would hear on a daily basis, your mom's a fat bitch.
Guest:And I'm like, you're preaching to the choir, boo, fella.
Guest:You know what I mean?
Guest:You're lucky you don't have to live with her.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And she was not only like a teacher at my school, but she was like the most feared teacher at my school.
Guest:Oh, God.
Guest:Like the one that would really like give a bit of discipline.
Guest:It was like just hard to even date a girl because they were scared to come over to the house.
Guest:yeah she and also all of her friends were other teachers at the school they were her only friends so you were like by virtue just by virtue of family connection you were part of the bad guys yes but you'd come home on the weekend there's a fucking room of teachers in your in your in your room i remember my brother scott came home from work he got a job working for a department store like like sort of the same of like nordstrom's or something like that
Guest:And he wasn't having a good time at work and he's a bit of a, he's actually like a millionaire now.
Guest:That worked out.
Guest:But when he was a young kid, he was a bit of a, he wasn't a very good worker evidently.
Guest:And they had him from working on the counter to then like doing things and then into the stock room with retarded people.
Guest:like just people like on the special work plans right you can't be out on the floor yeah so he was out with all these down syndrome people and stuff and he sort of felt a bit humiliated by the whole thing and so mom had a couple of teachers over for dinner and scott it was one year out of high school and he's come into the living room like this he goes oh i fucking hate that job those fucking assholes and he's swearing he's out of but then the teacher sort of went to him like scott do you mind while we're in the room yeah right yeah but then he had that little moment of epiphany where he's like i
Guest:I'm not in school anymore, right?
Guest:You know what?
Guest:You can get fucked.
Guest:You can get fucked.
Marc:It must have felt good, man, to get that out.
Marc:Oh, 400 pounds, man.
Marc:I can't quite get over that.
Guest:Well, she's lost a bit of weight with the bad lungs, you know, but exercise is out of the question now.
Marc:But it's weird when people have that weight, when they lose weight and you don't notice, they're like, you didn't notice?
Marc:I lost 100 pounds.
Guest:I'm half the size I used to be.
Guest:She's so sick now she can't get the gastric bypass thing.
Guest:She can't?
Marc:No.
Guest:Because of her lungs?
Guest:Because of her lungs, yeah.
Guest:But she would have?
Guest:I think she would have.
Guest:Yeah, that's all the craze now, isn't it?
Guest:I always think that when I go past the billboards in LA and I've got that blonde girl who's sort of punching the air who's sort of like a chunky girl but still attractive, still like a plus-size model, you would call her.
Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest:Right?
Guest:And I think...
Guest:That's going to be a bad modeling gig to be the lap band girl.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:The lap band girl.
Guest:Like, you think I'm fat now?
Guest:You should have seen me before.
Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest:Like, she probably never had a lap band.
Guest:They're just some birds she brought in.
Marc:Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Marc:Well, I mean, that whole thing is like, it's weird to me because you're actually getting part of your intestine removed.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:So you're getting part of your stomach removed.
Marc:There's no going back after that.
Guest:You're tying a belt around your stomach to make it half the size.
Marc:Right.
Marc:But they cut it out of you.
Marc:Yeah, yeah.
Marc:Fuck, man.
Marc:I mean, I guess if you have to, you have to.
Marc:There's a lot of vanity shit here in this town.
Guest:Yeah, but you've got to do some exercise.
Guest:All these things, there's that mattress guy who's on the commercial, and it's like, do you know a heavy mattress can make you not sleep very well?
Guest:And do you know if you don't get a lot of sleep...
Guest:That hurts your metabolism.
Guest:And so this woman's there going, so you're saying my mattress is making me fat?
Guest:That's right.
Guest:And he's there going, uh-huh, and he's a big fat guy.
Guest:And so that's just like offering just the quickest fix ever for fat people just sitting at home going, oh, that's my fucking mattress.
Guest:I knew it.
Guest:It was always my mattress.
Guest:Nothing I did.
Guest:It's not a thing.
Guest:I'm not getting proper sleep.
Guest:I'm sleeping for 12 hours a day, but it's not the right type of sleep because I've got this heavy mattress.
Guest:So what I'll do is I'll get rid of those and I'll buy myself a pair of those new sketches that you have to balance on that Joe Montana advertises.
Marc:Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Marc:Yeah, on the infomercial.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Yeah, yeah.
Marc:You'd be all set.
Marc:You can still eat ice cream before you go to bed.
Marc:They're just shoes.
Guest:There's no exercise.
Guest:Just you have to walk in these things.
Guest:Yeah, yeah.
Guest:And it's a miracle.
Guest:And because they've got the same technology as the ball you sit on.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Because you've got to... And then...
Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah, fine.
Marc:How about those things that you plug into yourself, like the electric ones where you shock yourself into losing weight?
Marc:Well, I tell you, Brendan Burns is a big fan of the electric ab work.
Guest:Get the fuck out of here.
Guest:Yeah, he loves those.
Guest:Yeah, yeah.
Guest:And he says it works?
Guest:Well, he works out a fair bit.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:He's quite a trim bloke, but he'll sit there watching TV with just like that plate over his stomach that goes... And does it shock him?
Guest:I mean, what does it do?
Guest:It feels... It's just like a vibrator.
Guest:It just tightens the muscles.
Marc:Oh, so you're not actually tasering yourself into attention.
Guest:The theory is that it's the same as doing a sit-up each time.
Marc:But it's not like a shock?
Marc:Is it a shock?
Guest:No, it's not.
Guest:You can sit there comfortably and have it.
Marc:Can you turn it up?
Guest:You get used to it.
Guest:It's no more of a shock than, say, a bit of static electricity or something.
Marc:Oh, okay.
Guest:You can turn it.
Guest:It's not like when you buy those games for toys, like people were into torturing each other.
Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest:They're just holding their thing.
Guest:Do you exercise?
Marc:I'd like to get tasered one day.
Marc:I think you can.
Marc:I think it's something that if somebody has a taser and you said, please, they would more than happily do it.
Guest:Just once.
Guest:Because my other brother's a cop.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Does he have a taser?
Guest:Well, he's a weapons trainer.
Guest:So he tasers people on a day-to-day basis.
Guest:Because all cops who get there, they have to be tasered once to know what it feels like.
Guest:Are you serious?
Guest:Yeah, I think.
Guest:And they also get pepper sprayed in the face.
Guest:Really?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And this is where?
Guest:Here?
Guest:This is in Australia.
Guest:I wonder if they do that here.
Guest:They line up the new cops and... All right, you know how that feels.
Guest:So don't use it too much because you know it hurts.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And here's your pepper spray.
Guest:And they're all laying in the corner crying.
Guest:Are you ready for a bullet?
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:Just shoot you in the arm?
Guest:It's because I'm writing a sitcom for Comedy Central at the moment.
Guest:There was a scene in it where we wanted me to get pepper sprayed or maced or something like that.
Guest:And I sort of said to him, I said, oh, maybe, you know, just for acting or things.
Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest:Let's just do it.
Guest:My brother said, don't do it.
Guest:And I go, why?
Guest:And he goes, because you've got dialogue after that.
Guest:You can't physically talk afterwards because you can't get air into you.
Guest:It feels like your inside's burning.
Guest:It's that whole... I used to work in a Mexican restaurant and, like, every time...
Guest:I used to work in the bar, which was the worst thing was because you're cutting up limes all the time.
Guest:But if you cut your finger, all it is is lime juice and salt everywhere.
Guest:It's just the worst.
Marc:Stinging.
Marc:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest:But then there was this girl who, and this sounds like a folklore type of thing, but this did happen.
Marc:You squeezed limes in her eyes.
Guest:No, she was an apprentice chef just cutting chilies just all day.
Guest:Pulling them out of the water, cutting jalapenos, cutting chilies all day.
Guest:And then had to change her tampons, didn't wash her hands.
Guest:I believe that.
Guest:And she was in a crying heap in the corner of the bathroom.
Marc:Yeah, I believe that.
Marc:Because when I was a kid, I remember we had those cinnamon toothpicks, and you'd eat them, and then we were kids, so we'd jerk off eventually.
Marc:So if you don't have enough time in between jerking off and playing with a pepper, it wouldn't last forever, but it's not a good experience.
Guest:Do you exercise?
Guest:I can't see it.
Guest:I do exercise, but only like twice a week.
Guest:But then I drink like four days a week.
Marc:You're down to four?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:I like when people have a schedule.
Guest:I only drink at work.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And that's the truth.
Guest:I only drink at work.
Guest:When you're at clubs?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And I've tried to sort of temper... I'm trying to get off the beer and just go vodka and soda water because it's the least amount of calories.
Marc:But it still feels... So it's for dietary reasons.
Marc:I'm going to go to the harder stuff.
Guest:It feels childish to move to hard liquor for dietary reasons.
Guest:So I'm losing weight, but my kidneys are...
Marc:No, it's a commitment to alcoholism, and I can appreciate that.
Guest:Yeah, like, you still drink?
Marc:No, I used to.
Marc:I know the joy.
Guest:Yeah, I desperately want to stop.
Guest:Do you really?
Marc:No, seriously.
Guest:Yeah, well, the thing is...
Guest:whenever i do stop even if it's like two weeks it's i just don't have any fun but i suffer from depression i don't have any depression either so it's a trade-off so you go all right so i can live a life without depression with no fun just that middle of the road thing or i can have heaps of fun and heaps of low times and then the problem is it's in hindsight it's better to live just on an even keel yeah right right but at the time that you're having fun you think it's never going to end
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Oh, yeah.
Guest:You know what I mean?
Marc:Even no matter how smart you are, how many times you know that.
Guest:Someone offers you a line of coke and that'll strike you out.
Guest:That won't do anything.
Guest:Oh, yeah, yeah.
Guest:All right.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And, you know, the best time I've had with my friend, the most, how else do you get laid?
Guest:Sober.
Guest:How do people, I can't remember having sex in a sober situation.
Marc:Well, you know what you gotta do is that you've gotta somehow shift your addiction from alcohol and drugs to pussy.
Marc:And it's a tough switch, but if you deny yourself the other stuff enough, if you have an addictive personality, you will figure out how to get laid.
Marc:How to get laid.
Marc:Yeah, because you need it.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:But don't you find that if you're getting laid when you're fucked up that it's hit or miss?
Marc:Have you ever had sex with a person when you're sober and they're wasted?
Marc:It's bad.
Marc:It's ridiculous.
Guest:It's like having sex with a retarded person.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Like just a girl on top of you and she's flopping on and off.
Marc:And then she has to get off you to puke and then come back and she makes it.
Guest:Occasionally you hold her head up to check that she's still awake.
Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Marc:You don't feel good about yourself after that.
Guest:But when you're both wasted, you wake up in the morning like, yeah, that was good.
Guest:We both rocked it out.
Marc:Yeah, yeah.
Marc:And there's that little bit of embarrassment because if you drink enough, you can do things that you might not want.
Marc:Have not might have done.
Guest:It's also things like, you know, a sober man uses a condom and a...
Marc:yeah you know I mean no no when you're drunk it's like oh fuck it yeah roll the dice I'm all in and there's certain if you're drunk enough you know people get loose in certain ways I used to think that Jägermeister was a special potion that created an environment for anal sex yeah
Marc:It was like the anal sex juice.
Marc:And what was the reasoning?
Guest:Because it just always worked out that way for you?
Marc:Well, it was just weird.
Marc:I'm not a big anal sex guy.
Marc:It's not something that I need or crave.
Guest:But it's the novelty, though.
Marc:Right, sure.
Marc:But I remember back in the day when we were doing shots of Jaeger when I was with a particular girlfriend, it always ended up there.
Marc:And it was always relative to Jaegermeister.
Marc:So I thought whatever these monks were putting in it, whatever potion they were creating, this was part of the list of effects.
Guest:Don't you find now that most girls do anal sex where only a short eight years ago they weren't?
Marc:I think sex in general has broken wide open because of- Yeah, because of porn.
Marc:That somehow has become the example and it's completely demystified the whole fucking thing.
Guest:Because even porn, like Jenna Jameson, if you watch her now, it looks very tepid.
Marc:yeah she's doing tepid relative to porn relative to my life yeah but you know what i mean so now girls try to think well that's what boys like hey all power to them right you know what i mean like i'm happy with the situation but i i'm just i'm just it's changed vastly sure and you got to be in better shape yeah you know like now all of a sudden it's like well if they expect that i'm gonna have to go to the gym a little
Guest:Well, thank God Ron Jeremy still exists, I guess.
Marc:Yeah, as a barometer for the worst that it can be.
Guest:As the worst that it can be.
Guest:I've met him several times now because he sort of hangs around the comedy community.
Marc:Yeah, he does.
Marc:Still?
Marc:Where at?
Marc:He used to come to the comedy store a bit.
Guest:I haven't seen him in a while.
Guest:Well, I met him at Paul Provenza's Green Room show.
Guest:Right.
Guest:And I met him also.
Guest:I hosted an award show in...
Guest:la uh for british television yeah uh the enemy awards right and so i i host this award show and ron jeremy just sort of showed up and muzzled his way in and then afterwards he wanted to go out and pick up chicks like i was just like really yeah if i had sex with as many women as he i'd have hobbies yeah no i'd get things done but he still was like you know that's his wife and he wanted to pick up like you know normal girls he fucks porn stars he wanted to pick up like amateurs sure it's like michael jordan playing basketball with me you know like it's
Marc:Well, I mean, it's the thrill of the hunt, I would imagine.
Marc:I mean, with porn stars, I think they all feel like they have to fuck him once.
Marc:He's got to be 60.
Marc:Yeah, and he's been doing it since the 70s, man.
Guest:He's got to be.
Marc:He was in some of the first porns I saw when I was in junior high.
Guest:So he would have been 20 in 1970, say.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Yeah, he would have had to be 20 in 1970.
Guest:So he's got to be 60.
Okay.
Guest:it's amazing but i think with viagra and this other shit that they shoot into their dick that you know there doesn't have to be an end to it no yeah i mean there's no reason for time to take its toll i've i've never i've never used viagra or anything like that and i'm not i'm not like saying as a bit of proudness yeah i'd like to because i've had friends who use it and they say that whole thing where it just doesn't go down for like an hour you just walk it around the house yeah no i've tried it a couple times and it definitely changes things yeah
Marc:Like it changes things.
Marc:Like I talk about it on stage where you have a moment when you're fucking on Viagra and you look at your dick and you're like, it doesn't even need me.
Guest:But does it make you horny as well?
Guest:Does it just give you the erection?
Marc:Well, no, I think the way it works really is basically what it does, I think it just dilates your arteries and your blood vessels to an extreme degree.
Marc:Because athletes use it now to up their performance and endurance in running.
Guest:So they're walking around with stiff feet.
Marc:No, no, it doesn't.
Marc:Like if you're not turned on, it's not going to do anything.
Marc:Like you don't take it.
Marc:And like if you're in the car and you're like you're trying to time it right.
Marc:Like you got the chick in the car and you like you take it.
Marc:It's not like it's not going to.
Guest:guys who are just unattractive to their wives taking it who are taking it so they can give their wife something well I think that you still have to engage you still have to be turned on a bit but but the sensitivity is a lot higher you know what I mean see I was hoping that would keep me married one day
Marc:I think it will.
Marc:I used to say on stage that I don't think there's such a thing as erectile dysfunction.
Marc:Maybe it doesn't want to go in there for a reason.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I always think that 50% of men between 40 and 60 have experienced erectile dysfunction or whatever the statistic is.
Guest:Right.
Guest:And you go, I'd like to check how many of those men have been married to the same woman for 20 years.
Marc:Well, no, I think that's exactly it.
Guest:And same as a woman having a dry hole.
Guest:I'm not saying that they've got to get wet for me all the time.
Guest:It's just you get used to people.
Guest:It's just how life is.
Guest:It doesn't mean you don't love each other.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:It doesn't mean you don't.
Marc:That's right.
Marc:I think you're right.
Marc:And I think that erectile dysfunction as an illness is made up.
Marc:But I think that the fact that you may get bored or not attracted after a certain point is natural.
Guest:Yeah, I think, let's check these impotent men in front of 18-year-old girls.
Guest:And see how it goes.
Guest:Let's just have this one girl who's the barometer.
Guest:Yeah, let that be the test.
Marc:Let it be the test.
Marc:I think that's reasonable because then you'd find out it's not a fucking disease.
Marc:It's not an ailment.
Marc:It's just the fact that monogamy breaks down afterwards.
Guest:because i don't know yeah i i remember once not being able to get an erection for like two days and that was the longest endeavor i think it was after a lot of benders and stuff like of course so you you mean you were trying with a girl for two days trying a couple of with a girl for a day nothing happening and then trying by myself for a day nothing happening that's a sad day that panic of it's broken it's broken forever and then and then i woke up fixed yeah thank god thank god
Marc:Well, when you can't get it up for yourself, then that's a sad moment.
Guest:But it came out of nowhere.
Guest:I never had any issues before.
Guest:Sure.
Guest:Never even had a drunken, I can't do it drunken one.
Marc:Wow, good for you.
Guest:But yeah, what do they call it?
Guest:Whiskey dick?
Marc:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest:They call it Foster's Flop in Britain.
Marc:Oh, that's good.
Marc:That's good.
Marc:It's a little more specific.
Marc:It's branded.
Marc:Maybe they should use that in their advertising.
Marc:It's branded.
Yeah.
Marc:How old are you?
Marc:33.
Marc:Yeah, because I've got to be honest with you.
Marc:I had not seen your comedy, and then I watched the HBO Hour, and I really thought, like, yeah, this guy must be around for a while.
Marc:He looks like he's 40.
Marc:And then when I saw you at the M Bar, I was like, oh, my God, he's like a kid.
Marc:There's just something about the stuff you talk about and the life you lead.
Marc:I think that for some reason I decided that you had been through a lot of shit because you were in, you know.
Marc:Sure.
Guest:Yeah, no, I've been doing comedy since I was 22, 23.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Which is not, like, is very young, but some, you know, you meet those guys, you know, I was 14 years old, my mom used to take me down to this thing.
Marc:Really?
Marc:How many of those guys are there?
Guest:I don't know, Ross Noble, Daniel Kitson, they were both, like, teenage prodigies.
Marc:I know those guys.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:Yeah, I know Russ.
Marc:I've worked with Russ, and I've met Kitson a couple times.
Marc:He's an interesting character.
Guest:He's a very interesting character.
Marc:He's sort of like the cult hero of Europe.
Guest:He's an extremely good comic.
Guest:He doesn't seem to like me very much for some reason, but he doesn't seem to like anybody.
Marc:Are you sure?
Marc:I think he's just a little socially awkward.
Guest:He's one of those guys that he's a genius and everyone else is an idiot.
Guest:and he thinks that well that's what he thinks and he's quite possibly right on most occasions but there's nothing wrong with idiots no of course not there's plenty of them there's nothing you can do about it we're 80% of the population we deserve a voice you know what I mean
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:You know, it's that whole thing that like one in two people have an IQ under 90.
Guest:The average is 100 and one in two have an IQ under 90.
Guest:I've got a bit over 100, right?
Guest:Not substantially over 100, right?
Guest:But I feel stupid every day.
Guest:Every day I feel slightly.
Guest:Someone says something or I watch something on the news and I just don't get it and go, all right?
Guest:Now you take off 25 IQ points.
Guest:If you take a quarter of my brain away from me, I would be just retarded.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Just completely just sitting in the corner, just laughing at the word boobies and just retarded, right?
Guest:And that's half the population.
Guest:That's half.
Guest:Statistically half.
Marc:Just laugh at the word boobies.
Marc:Yeah, yeah.
Marc:If you do that kind of comedy, it makes your job easier.
Guest:Yeah, so these people need someone to tell them jokes.
Guest:I hate how people are so easy to knock someone like Dane Cook or Carrot Top or something like that, you know.
Guest:And you just go, yeah, but it's...
Guest:The people who don't like him, he's not playing to you.
Marc:Well, I agree with you.
Marc:And I agree that the fact that especially guys, you know, in like if I talk to Stanhope or I talk to somebody, you know, if you talk to Kitson and they have this barometer of comedic integrity or what we should or shouldn't be doing, if everybody was like those guys, it'd be a horrendous world.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:And no one would get entertained.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:I mean, there's something to be said about elevating... Well, I don't think Stan Hopes fans particularly... Some of them like me and some of them don't.
Guest:It's the whole thing because, you know, I'm a similar type of guy.
Marc:Just because you're a boozer and you tell stories?
Guest:Yeah, yeah, a boozer and tell stories, you know.
Guest:And so it's...
Guest:it is what it is but it's um but you're not political i mean you know he's sort of like he operates on a you know sort of yeah i i wouldn't like to be political in a sense i do a lot of religious based stuff because i you know anyone can have an opinion on that because we all have been taught all the stories when we were kids how were you brought up i was brought up christian very light christian
Marc:Because I don't find myself struggling very much with the idea of God.
Marc:I'm not here or there with it, but I don't feel this pressing need to have answers.
Marc:I do have a difficult time with religious fanatics.
Guest:You do a couple of jokes going, oh, there's not a God, and all of a sudden you're being brought into this argument, and then people seem to really like it, so you write a few more jokes about it.
Guest:I think the people who really get into me telling religious jokes care about it a lot more than I do.
Marc:Right.
Marc:And I think it's more about... To me, on either side, the weird fanaticism exists.
Marc:There's fanatic atheists and there's fanatic god people.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:See, there's some people who, especially in Britain, are Bill Hicks fans who are just... It's like he's an atheist god to them.
Marc:Yeah, right.
Guest:You know what I mean?
Guest:And you're just like...
Guest:I don't know if he even cared as much as you do.
Marc:Yeah, I think he just liked exploring the hypocrisy of things.
Marc:But quite honestly, as I get older, I realize that, look, if somebody wants to believe that and it helps them not go crazy and kill people or kill themselves and they don't bother me with it, fuck it.
Guest:The times that I really appreciate religion in this world is when people find it in prison.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:and when people get off drugs by finding it yeah and if look I think it's bullshit but do what you gotta do but you have like someone told me that you I don't know if you do the story on stage but it intrigued me there's some that you have do you have a cousin that you tried to get laid or something oh is it not a childhood friend
Marc:Is this something you do on stage?
Guest:This will be on my next DVD, actually.
Guest:It's like a 20-minute routine.
Guest:I've never had a routine this long.
Guest:Basically, I had a childhood friend who's got muscular dystrophy, and he's lived to be 33 years old.
Guest:He's still alive.
Guest:Still alive.
Guest:Most people don't get past 25.
Guest:And he's lived to be 33 years old.
Guest:Can't move a single muscle in his body.
Guest:And me and his brother took him to a brothel last April year.
Marc:And he can't move a thing in his body.
Guest:Can't move a thing in his body.
Guest:Took him in there, got him undressed, paid for the hooker.
Guest:Set it all up.
Guest:Let's do it.
Guest:One thing he could move.
Guest:No kidding.
Guest:Yeah, because that's not a muscle.
Guest:Oh, right.
Marc:It's just a circulatory thing.
Guest:And as long as he gets aroused in his mind, blood will rush to there, just like anything.
Marc:So he's completely paralyzed.
Guest:Completely paralyzed.
Guest:So walk me through it.
Guest:Well, I won't do the routine because that's a bit hokey to do, but I'll tell you the real story.
Guest:Yeah, the real story's good, yeah.
Guest:So basically, I went over to do the Melbourne Comedy Festival and his family moved to Melbourne and still very good friends with his brother.
Guest:And we went over and we met up with Dan and we decided, yeah, we'll take him to the brothel and everything.
Guest:So in Australia, prostitution's legal.
Guest:So we spent the afternoon going through the phone book trying to find a brothel with wheelchair access.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Like, just, like, literally.
Marc:If it was listed?
Guest:Were you making calls?
Guest:No, no, in the yellow pages, they'll have all the ads in the escort section.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:So when they legalized prostitution, they didn't legalize... You can't get a hooker on the street in Australia.
Guest:Right.
Guest:You can't get one to your hotel room.
Guest:No?
Guest:What they did was they made it so that the girls could work in brothels.
Guest:Right.
Guest:You can go to a brothel, but...
Guest:the brothel would have things like a couple of fucking heavy guys there in case things kicked off right so the girls are safe and also um the girls have to get tested for stds every couple weeks you can even ask for their certificate and you you have to undergo a thing called the light yeah where you put your cock under a bright light no yeah to see if there's any words and they put one of those like sort of fluoro sort of sticks to see if there's any warts or anything yeah yeah
Marc:This is at the ticket booth or whatever?
Guest:No, the girl does it in the room.
Marc:Oh, really?
Marc:You know what I mean?
Marc:So that's not very sexy.
Marc:Let me see your certificate and go ahead and scan my dick.
Guest:Yeah, yeah.
Guest:So it's a pretty, but arguably, and I don't even think it's an argument, you're safer fucking an Australian hooker than picking up a girl in a bar.
Marc:Yeah, that makes sense.
Guest:And using a condom and everything.
Guest:After all those tests and everything.
Marc:You still use a condom.
Guest:Yeah, well, the girl's still, you know, of course she'll still use it.
Marc:Yeah, or else she'll have to get tested every day.
Guest:Yeah, she'll get tested every five minutes, right?
Guest:And so we organized this thing, and his brother was like, all right, okay, we'll do it, but he can't have full sex.
Guest:Full sex will definitely kill him.
Guest:So there's actually a risk of his life.
Guest:He's died and been resuscitated several times.
Marc:Oh, because his muscles gave away his respiratory.
Marc:Yeah, his lungs are muscles, his heart's a muscle.
Marc:How did you know he was into it?
Marc:Does he communicate?
Guest:He can talk to you, just very slowly.
Guest:Oh, okay.
Guest:We took him along, but we said he can only get a blowjob, even though he wanted full sex.
Guest:We went, oh, come on, look, we're... We don't want to kill you.
Guest:We're the enablers.
Guest:You know what I mean?
Marc:And you don't want to put a whore through that either.
Marc:You don't like to kill a guy.
Guest:It's that whole thing that I sort of argued we should let him have full sex, and his brother goes, what if he dies?
Guest:And I said, look, he's going to die soon anyway.
Guest:You know, this is a good way for, like sure we'll have to answer a few questions.
Marc:Yeah, but they'll understand.
Guest:Yeah, yeah.
Guest:It's like we're the Kevorkian in this type of thing.
Guest:Like he did it, you know, we just helped him a little bit.
Marc:He flipped the switch when he got hard.
Guest:He got hard, we took that as, you know.
Marc:He's ready to go.
Marc:Ready to go.
Guest:So how did the hooker respond?
Guest:Well, the thing was, there was a few of them in there that said they wouldn't do it.
Guest:I went in earlier and made sure that, you know.
Guest:You did some interviews?
Guest:When I say I went in earlier, I went in while they were unloading him from the taxi.
Marc:Oh, okay.
Guest:Like I sort of ran in and said, look, if anyone's...
Guest:uncomfortable with it yeah yeah speak now and a few of them just didn't want to do it you know were they like no like did they look shocked or i mean no no no they weren't shocked and and also we'd rung ahead to the place and said that we were coming and uh it was lovely new zealand girl and she was the hottest one of the bunch just the best one you would have picked anyway yeah yeah yeah yeah
Guest:And, you know, 180 Australian dollars.
Guest:And that was, you know, the thing that she did ask us, though, and I hope Dan doesn't listen to this.
Guest:Who's this?
Guest:Dan's the actual friend who's got this condition.
Guest:But the thing she did ask us, when me and her brother's negotiating the price, she goes, because she didn't talk to Dan first, she goes, is he mentally retarded?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And I went, oh, yeah.
Guest:Yeah, that's what we do.
Guest:I find mentally retarded people and take them to prostitutes.
Guest:I'll be masturbating in the corner.
Guest:And then I said, he doesn't even know he's here.
Guest:And she literally went, oh, well, okay then.
Guest:But if there is two of you, it will cost twice.
Guest:And they're going, no, no, no, he knows.
Guest:It's his decision.
Guest:There's a good chance he'll die.
Guest:You know, we take him in there.
Guest:We get him undressed.
Guest:And basically, his chair's not like, because muscular dystrophy, his muscles get sore.
Guest:His chair doesn't...
Guest:his chair isn't stationary like it's got electronics and it can move him from side to side and right back to front and even into a full bed yeah and the last thing i saw is i left he was left the room was him going he was ready back into like the thing with the cock standing up oh yeah off we go kids and and when he got done was he well she came back in the room and she said well it's over and we were like is he still alive like is everything fine like
Guest:like stressing out like we were really because the thing was we we snuck him because obviously he still lives with his parents yeah even at his age but because you know he needs constant care you know and um so we we'd snuck him out of the parents house like oh yeah don't worry about it wait is the boys day out and he had never had a boy job before
Guest:Well, he was in a wheelchair from the age of 10 or something.
Guest:Oh, boy.
Guest:You know, like, you're born with a disease.
Guest:It's the same as motor neurone or Lou Gehrig's disease.
Guest:But he had never, like, had sex?
Guest:No.
Guest:No.
Guest:But the thing was, he allegedly, when he went back to all of his friends who had the same condition, because they have groups where they meet up and they all talk to each other.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:Guys they grew up with.
Guest:Yeah, yeah.
Guest:he was the mac daddy man he was the guy that's a you know it's a heartwarming story i feel like there's got to be money to be made out of that like just if you just because there's a lot of families that i've spoken to people after that i've done this thing on stage and a lot of people come up to me fathers especially who are almost with tears in their eyes saying i'd never have the guts to do that i'd love someone to do that for my son you know what i mean
Marc:So maybe this is a second job for you.
Marc:Being sort of a middleman.
Guest:I don't think I could take money for it.
Guest:But what I'm saying is it might be a nice charitable thing that someone could organize.
Marc:So let's put that out there.
Marc:If anyone listening would like to open up some sort of charitable agency that transports incapacitated but capable...
Marc:People of a right mind.
Marc:Of a right mind to a prostitute, a clean prostitute, to at least enjoy sex once.
Marc:Once, yeah.
Marc:Is a nice thing to do.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I honestly think that would be a terribly nice thing for people to do.
Marc:So tears in the eyes, the father comes out.
Guest:No, several times.
Guest:Really?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And this is the whole thing that we haven't told his parents.
Guest:And I'm sure they're going to hear sooner or later through me talking about it and all that type of stuff.
Guest:And I look at it this way.
Guest:I don't think the old man's going to mind.
Guest:The mother's quite religious, but it's like.
Marc:But even if she's religious after a certain point, I mean, that's one of those things where you question people's religion.
Guest:I think it would be hard for a parent to do.
Marc:No, I understand that, but to judge it, given the situation.
Guest:I think a brother or a sister, I think it's a very brotherly or sisterly thing you can do.
Guest:It's like, I say this on the stage, when we took him in, she goes, oh, we should have to have a shower and clean everything up before we start type of thing.
Guest:And Andrew goes, oh, no, no, no, I washed it before we came out.
Guest:And when he said it just so matter-of-factly, and I thought that has got to be the most tangible bit of love I've ever heard.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:You can think you're a good brother, good sister, good mother, good daughter, whatever you think you are in this world, but you're nothing until you've washed your disabled brother's cock to take him to a prostitute.
Guest:Like that's pure love right there.
Guest:It is.
Guest:You know what I mean?
Guest:Yeah, definitely.
Guest:That's just love.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And you don't think of things like that.
Guest:You know, you think of, oh, you know, feed him and change him.
Yeah.
Marc:Yeah, but that's really the greatest act of charity.
Marc:Yeah, yeah.
Marc:How's he now?
Marc:Is he still okay?
Marc:He's still fine.
Marc:Does he want to go back?
Guest:Yeah, I've heard this.
Marc:I've heard this.
Guest:I would imagine that would be... His brother said he wanted to go back, and it's like every two years.
Guest:At least he's got something to look forward to.
Guest:We can't be doing it once a month.
Marc:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Marc:So it looks like you're on the verge of actually doing something that a lot of Australian, Irish, British comics just don't seem to manage, which is some type of mainstream success in this country.
Guest:Yeah, look, I didn't know what to expect after the HBO thing, to be honest.
Marc:How's your ticket sales here?
Guest:It looked town to town.
Guest:I'll plug it now, but I'm doing a 1,200-seat venue in Boston.
Guest:We've just sold it out and put on an extra show.
Marc:Well, Boston is very... I mean, you're part of their history in a way.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:There's something about certainly Irish, British.
Marc:I mean, Boston is very...
Guest:yeah yeah i mean but then there's certain towns where it's like all right so no one came to see me in detroit all right no one does anything in detroit yeah but you know what i mean the town barely exists you can't gauge these and then there's certain clubs that if you just keep going back it'll just sell better and better and better and better and better and at the moment i'm selling better and better but i know there has to be a moment where i'm starting to sell a little bit worse
Marc:Yeah, but you're going up.
Marc:You're not going down.
Guest:Yeah, but what goes up must come down.
Marc:There's got to be a moment.
Marc:But now you're doing a... I saw your show got picked up for Comedy Central.
Guest:It got picked up for development, which doesn't mean anything.
Guest:So what's that deal?
Marc:So you're doing a pilot or you got six episodes?
Guest:No, no, no.
Guest:They paid for the script.
Guest:Oh, that's it?
Guest:Yeah, at the moment.
Guest:And they're deciding at the moment if they're going to make it.
Guest:I'll sort of know in the next couple of weeks.
Guest:But I'm optimistic about it.
Guest:But I've had pilots before.
Guest:Here?
Guest:I've had one in the UK.
Guest:I've had one sitcom in the UK, and I've also had panel shows and talk show pilots as well that I've done.
Guest:And I'm not going to keep my fingers crossed on anything until you get a full season commission.
Guest:That's right.
Guest:Because I don't think people know in this industry how little that means, getting a pilot.
Marc:No, I think that from people I've talked to on this show, and certainly my audience is a little more savvy to it, that you really have to be in a constant buffering state of disappointment.
Marc:At a certain point, you have to realize, I just got to keep trying.
Marc:That doesn't mean anything that you got to deal.
Marc:It doesn't even mean anything that they say they're going to put it on the air.
Guest:Yeah, you got to do, you know, you just got to keep doing different things and try to, you know, but first and foremost, we're stand-up comics, aren't we?
Guest:And we'll always get work doing that.
Guest:And that's what I always appreciate out of this job in comparison to, say, people who are actors.
Marc:Yeah, we can always do it.
Guest:Yeah, it's like, you know, I can make money in any small pub if I just put my mind to it.
Marc:So you're maintaining a presence, you know, in both continents.
Guest:I'll do the Edinburgh Festival and then I'll do a British tour from late October through to the end of December.
Marc:Now, the Edinburgh Festival for somebody like you, now that you've built your house, I mean, that's a big nut for you.
Guest:That's a big payday here now.
Guest:But it used to not be.
Guest:I've done all the losses of money and all that type of stuff.
Guest:But yeah, I went from 30-seated to a 120-seated to a 300 to a 400, did the 400 again.
Guest:Now we're going into the 1,200.
Guest:Wow.
Guest:But I won't sell this one out.
Marc:How long's the run?
Marc:All 30 days?
Marc:20, 26 days.
Marc:So you're going to play 1,200 seater for a month?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:And you're going to sell out that whole run?
Guest:No.
Guest:Not even close.
Guest:But if I could sell out Fridays and Saturdays... For the whole run?
Guest:And then sell out 500 sort of Monday to Thursday?
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:That would be fine.
Guest:That'd be great.
Guest:Yeah, that'd be great.
Guest:But you're competing with so many other people.
Guest:And sometimes when you get sort of...
Guest:to be a bigger Edinburgh actor I feel sorry for the guys in the 30-seaters when you're taking that many audience members because it's that thing is like a lot of people will see me at the festival who may not even like me but just because I'm one of the big 10 to see right you know what I mean right so they'll just go all right we'll just like people like like American tourists or whatever go all right well that's the biggest poster
Guest:yeah so it's yeah right right right he must be good yeah yeah that's the i've seen his face more than everyone else that guy's paid for a billboard yeah yeah yeah he must have it you know but it's it's like you know your budget on one of these shows my budget used to be like three thousand pounds now it's like thirty thousand pounds because you as i said you start buying billboards and you put yourself on the side of taxis and all that type of stuff that's all you
Guest:Yeah, it's all your money, but you've got to spend money to make money, that theory type of thing, right?
Marc:Well, that's the weird thing about how much publicity we have to do ourselves.
Marc:But I think also what's interesting about you, and I find this, there's not a lot of comics in this country
Marc:that come from a sort of first-person storytelling tradition.
Marc:And I see that, like when I went back to Scotland for the Glasgow thing, I had a bad experience in Edinburgh.
Marc:And I'm not a short-form joke guy either, but I don't do a lot of sort of raconteur kind of like the other night.
Marc:I don't do a lot of that.
Marc:But it seems like that audiences in the UK...
Marc:can really sort of engage with that.
Marc:In an American audience, not as much.
Guest:It's a lot less... The joke efficiency thing.
Marc:It seems to me that American comedy at some point became like joke machines.
Guest:Yeah, I'm not as punchy as most American comics.
Guest:I don't think pound for pound, there's a lot of comics that get a lot more laughs out of a show than me.
Guest:But I think...
Guest:I think, you know, I think in many ways what I do is more memorable.
Marc:Of course.
Marc:You know what I mean?
Marc:Because they get to know you.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:You're not just a puppet or a clown.
Guest:People invest in you a little bit more.
Marc:Were you a fan of Billy Connolly?
Guest:I'm still a fan of Billy Connolly, yeah.
Marc:Because like he seems like what I realized when I went to Scotland is I did my one man show about my divorce and I was nervous about it.
Marc:But then at some point, five minutes in, I realized that there's something about the way the audiences are geared there.
Marc:I mean, comedy clubs are comedy clubs.
Marc:I mean, they're going to be clusterfucks.
Marc:You don't know what's going to happen.
Marc:But in terms of sitting down and listening to a guy tell stories, they're definitely engaged in that.
Marc:It seems to be part of the cultural history of the thing.
Guest:Yeah, no, definitely.
Guest:It's also...
Marc:um guys like billy connie he didn't even start out as a comic did he yeah he was just a guy in a band who would tell stories in between the songs and the stories got longer and the songs got shorter and then all of a sudden that was the show he's a charismatic guy dude i once ate breakfast with him in aspen i've never met him holy shit one time i was at the aspen comedy festival and i was doing a one-man show there and you know i ended up you know at the hotel restaurant and he's sitting there and he's like yeah mark yeah
Marc:So I sit down with him and the intensity of his personality, I didn't think I was going to get through breakfast.
Marc:I mean, he's one of those guys that even when he's just talking to you, he's like, listen, and you're like, holy fuck.
Guest:It's like, he's one of those guys that sometimes you get young comics, they'll accuse him of being a bit hacky or something like that.
Guest:that always happens to old guys if you're around long enough the young guys will turn on you yeah because they don't have they don't put you into context i found that i found the only time yeah the only time i i ever got grief was after i got successful and now everyone used to love me i was like everyone's favorite guy yeah and all of a sudden no i'm a dick oh really are you finding that no but only in little circles sure little tiny well that's right person there yeah yeah yeah but you never you never had that before
Marc:Right, because you were one of them.
Marc:And now somehow or another you're one of the other.
Guest:But I remember, I even feel guilty now because I remember doing that to other guys who got beat.
Marc:Of course, it's a karmic return.
Guest:Yeah, it's a karmic return.
Guest:I remember going, yeah, you think he is.
Marc:Yeah, he sold out.
Marc:That fucker doesn't deserve that.
Guest:Probably stealing jokes and shit.
Marc:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest:And these guys were bang up guys who were just trying to make a crust like everybody else.
Marc:That's right, yeah.
Guest:And it's the same theory as bands that get to the Gone Commercial.
Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest:And so there is a theory that when you get popular, your fan base can at times get a little bit more dicky.
Guest:You know what I mean?
Marc:Like, you can get, like... Well, you don't know who you're going to attract.
Guest:Yeah, yeah.
Guest:You start, you know, you can get... Like, you're playing to bigger crowds.
Guest:So, obviously, there used to be one douchebag in the room, and now there's 20 of them.
Marc:You know, it's all comparative.
Marc:But also, the liability of doing what you do, which is, you know, tell stories about, you know, being fucked up and, you know, sex and all that stuff, is that you're going to get those guys.
Marc:They're like, that's my guy!
Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Marc:And then, all of a sudden, I've had that experience because I tend to attract a lot of, like...
Marc:I recently did a show in Bloomington, Indiana, and the guy said, you sold well, but I've never sold more single tickets.
Marc:So I get a lot of lonely dudes who don't get out much, maybe don't have a lot of friends.
Marc:I get middle-aged women.
Marc:And then there's part of you, when you start to see who your fans are, it's like, what's inside of me?
Guest:Young men in their 20s.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Well, that's good.
Marc:That's the market.
Marc:That's why you're on Comedy Central.
Guest:That's young men in their 20s.
Guest:That's who like me.
Guest:And I used to meet a lot more girls before I went off the circuit, which I'm not off the circuit here because it's a different system in America.
Guest:How is it different?
Guest:Well, the circuit is intertwined with the headliner, if you know what I mean.
Guest:So in Britain, no comedy club, the comedy store, the Manchester comedy store, all these genres and Highlight and all these clubs, these big chains, like they never have anyone's name written out the front when you go in.
Guest:Right.
Guest:You just go to the comedy store and you expect it to be good comics because they always put good comics on there and blah, blah, blah.
Guest:Sure.
Guest:Right?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And you got to get to a certain level to be able to play there and then it's luck of the draw.
Guest:Where if I go play the improv, which is, say, your equivalent chain over here, the tickets are sold on my name.
Guest:There's a big poster of me.
Guest:We've got this guy coming up.
Guest:We've got that guy coming up.
Guest:They don't finish at the end of Britain telling you who's coming up next week.
Guest:So if you get to a stage in the UK where people are searching you out through your webpage or whatever and you start thinking, I think a lot of people in this room are coming just to see me...
Guest:Then you get out of the clubs and you write your own ticket.
Guest:You hire little theaters and they've got a lot of little tiny 400-seat theaters.
Marc:I'm doing the Soho Theater.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:In July.
Guest:It's like 200.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Nice little theater in the middle of London, right?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:So you do that, right?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And then you get your 80%, 70% of the door, whatever the deal is, right?
Guest:And you start thinking, okay, I'm making a little bit more money, but at least people are coming to see me and then you do it.
Guest:So over here, people are coming to see me, but I'm still working with other comics.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:But it's my name that pulls them to the club.
Guest:So I'm still on the circuit over here, but we've all got different rankings, don't we?
Marc:Yeah, of course.
Guest:We've got headliners and the things.
Guest:Where in Britain, everyone's got the same rank.
Marc:Until you do a theater.
Guest:We're all just grunts until we, you know.
Marc:Now, what should I expect?
Marc:Because I've actually never performed in London, and I've heard some things like that.
Marc:The comedy clubs can get a little rowdy.
Guest:I personally think London's the best city in the world to gig in.
Guest:Why?
Guest:Just the best crowds, really up for it.
Guest:Everybody's very comedy savvy.
Guest:You know how you do a gig, sometimes you've been in Cleveland or something, and you'll do the gig, and someone will come to you and go, that was my first comedy show ever, and now I'm a fan.
Guest:And you're just like, really?
Guest:You're like 35 years old.
Guest:Never been to it.
Guest:yeah yeah yeah where in britain it's everybody goes to comedy part of the culture the culture the weather's shit and it's an indoor activity and it's yeah you know what i mean it's like it's like the days that comedy the comedy clubs are empty is those two weeks of summer where it's worked out right you know because everyone's just staring at the sun it's unbelievable yeah yeah it's happening but why it's and i think that's the reason why stand-up comedy clubs never really clicked in australia
Marc:Because it's always nice.
Guest:It's just always nice.
Guest:And we have a culture that's... We have a culture that's like beer and steak in the backyard and all that type of stuff.
Guest:You know what I mean?
Guest:So what Australians do is they don't go down to the local comedy club.
Guest:But if a big name tour is...
Guest:like a Billy Conley or something like that, they'll go and that's how they get their comedy fix.
Guest:They see two big comedians when they come into town a year and then they've gone, oh, I saw that comic.
Marc:So what about the idea of interaction in London?
Marc:In London?
Marc:Well, look, it's... I don't have a problem with crowd work.
Guest:I don't mind doing it.
Guest:Look, they're more rowdy in the thing that they'll yell out things, but I tell you what, they're less, in my opinion, they're less interrupting than an American crowd.
Marc:In the sense of like they're more respectful?
Guest:No, they don't stop and say, woo, yeah.
Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest:You'll never have that person that goes, that's so true.
Guest:Right.
Guest:You know that way?
Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Marc:Oh, you didn't say that.
Marc:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Marc:Or they start explaining your joke in the middle of your joke.
Marc:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Marc:So what do they do in London?
Guest:they'll they'll try to find pops at you you know what i mean like where they get the opportunity but they'll do it in a way this is what i like about and they'll do it in a way that they want you to beat them yeah you know what i mean like you're a dickhead and then but that's like of course i'm gonna say you're a dickhead but i mean and then you say something with your back and they're like ah you got me good for him yeah it's part of the job there yeah it's part of the job that they're sort of like being able to deal with hecklers is a little bit more of a uh they respect you for it okay am i gonna have to deal with that at the soho theater
Guest:So theater's a nice little theater.
Guest:You won't have to deal with it there.
Marc:What's about the worst thing that ever happened to you?
Marc:On stage?
Marc:Sure.
Guest:I got punched in the head.
Guest:It's on the internet.
Marc:Oh, yeah?
Marc:Yeah, yeah.
Marc:Oh, well, people should go see that.
Marc:Should they just Google Jim Jefferies being punched in the head?
Guest:Jim Jefferies punched, yeah, yeah.
Guest:Where'd that happen?
Guest:Manchester Comedy Store.
Marc:How come?
Guest:See, the thing is, if you watch the footage, it looks like I must have stirred him up or something.
Guest:It's only the security footage that you're watching.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:But no, I didn't say anything to him.
Guest:I just... He was upset by a joke that I'd said earlier.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:They were a pretty hostile crowd to begin with.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And... You offended him personally.
Guest:I offended him, but I offended him five minutes before he punched me.
Guest:So he had to sit with it.
Guest:And he sort of...
Guest:you know festered with it yeah right but he never stood up and went hey you're a fucking arsehole yeah you've had that before sure all right and then the security drags him away right right well he just ran up and punched me so a lot of people go oh why isn't where was the security right and he's like well they they came but i was already punched like three times but the audience rushed the stage
Guest:do you know what joke it was um i said there was a there's a put down which sounds like an old hack line yeah but it is actually my line is is uh i put i put this woman down on one side of the room several times and then i went all right that's it i'm gonna leave you alone now like your dad did yeah right and this guy had some issues and he's drunk and haze about his father that he hadn't resolved yeah you know that's it that's the assumption or you talk to him
Guest:Yeah, and I talked to him afterwards.
Guest:He goes, how dare you talk about my dad?
Guest:He's drunk, you know?
Marc:All right, so, okay, so that's what triggered him, and he just came up and clocked you a couple times?
Guest:Just clocked me, and the thing is... Did you fight back?
Guest:Well, if you watch the clip, he came out of the darkness into the light, and I actually went, oh, hang on, mate.
Guest:Like, I was about to go, oh, you're not allowed up here.
Guest:Like, I thought, oh, you're a bit drunk, yeah.
Yeah.
Guest:You know what I mean?
Guest:It's my space.
Guest:Yeah, yeah.
Guest:Oh, sorry, mate.
Guest:Yeah, I know it's wrong, but you're not allowed up yet.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And he just ran up, and I was hardly injured.
Guest:I sort of leaned out of the way, and it looked like the first punch really hit, but he was at full extension.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:Just a little glancing, just boonk.
Guest:And then the rest of it, I ducked down.
Guest:He was punching in the back of my head.
Guest:And I had a big lump in the back of my head, but I only had sort of a crescent moon sort of bruised against my eye.
Guest:And I finished the gig.
Guest:That must have been heroic.
Guest:They must have loved that.
Guest:Oh, standing ovation.
Guest:Came back out.
Guest:Because I went into the dressing room for a couple of minutes.
Guest:And then for them to wrestle him out of the way.
Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest:I went into the dressing room and just sat there.
Guest:There's a comic called Michael McIntyre who's now by far the biggest comic in Europe.
Guest:he's a stadium filler guy.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And he was the other act on that day.
Guest:An arrogant guy, but really funny.
Guest:I think he's really funny.
Guest:He gets a lot of flack, but I think- Where's he from?
Guest:He's a Londoner.
Guest:And I went into the dressing room and he must have heard all the commotion of everything going on.
Guest:And I come in with a black eye and he goes, so how did you go?
Guest:Did you have a good gig?
Guest:Like that, right?
Guest:He knew something had happened, but he didn't turn around to even look at me.
Guest:Didn't go well, Michael, someone punched me in the head.
Guest:And he went, no one can follow me.
Guest:there was so much so much arrogance now okay so what facilitated the conversation with the guy who hit you oh they held him in the dressing room until uh they held him in the dressing room until the cops came with you yeah yeah with security standing over him and i sort of felt like a mafia boss like oh we got him in dressing do you want to talk to him and i walked in there's two heavy guys and he's sitting in a chair and and i walked in with that sort of
Marc:what did you punch me for but i was actually he was sort of he wasn't in tears as such but he was like he was down about the whole thing you know what i mean that's the weird thing about those kind of moments because i was you know attacked on stage once and for a similar thing where something triggered in a slightly drunk mind yeah where he did he just saw red and all he saw was you and him and he had personalized it completely and then because of the alcohol couldn't control his impulses and so now after it he's like what the fuck did i do
Marc:Is that what you experienced?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Oh, and then some.
Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest:But he was sort of like... And then I just said, look, man, I think I was angry and I said, I'm going to press charges.
Guest:And then when the cops came, I went, don't press charges.
Guest:Just...
Guest:let him go put him in a cell for it well he had he's drunk and disorderly it wasn't up to me to put him in a cell so he was going to do that anyways yeah assault charges the club wanted him right i didn't want the police calling the club did right but so but the charges would have been assault yeah it would have been assault yeah yeah you know um and uh i you know i never pressed any charge and it was just funny because his brother wrote to me once on my web page many years later saying what a nice lad the guy is and that type of stuff and that's what you
Guest:and how bad he feels about everything and that type of stuff.
Guest:And then he must have gotten drunk and wrote me another email, like the brother again, and wrote, hey, you know what?
Guest:You seem to be profiteering out of this fucking thing, you fucking asshole.
Guest:Like that, right?
Guest:Because of the clip?
Guest:Because it's on the internet, right?
Guest:I did a bit on stage about it with like a big screen behind me where I explained it all happening.
Guest:And I said, I've still got three years to press charges.
Guest:I'm sorry about that.
Guest:And now I say...
Guest:So those three years run out very soon, if they haven't already.
Guest:So I'm expecting another angry.
Guest:The guy's just waiting.
Marc:All right, so before we wrap it up, what's the Comedy Central show about?
Marc:How's that going to work?
Marc:Well, I'm going to be a guidance counselor at a high school.
Guest:Okay, so it's a real sitcom.
Guest:Yeah, which is not set in the school, but that's my gig.
Guest:I've gone down the basic Seinfeld route of three guys, one girl.
Guest:They're always the best sitcoms for me.
Guest:And we're also going to have, because of my mate Dan, we're going to have a guy.
Guest:We wanted a guy with muscular dystrophy in the sitcom.
Guest:and um then they said uh no no it's too tragic they die yeah you know what i mean what about cerebral palsy they went they went all right we'll give you uh give you a uh paraplegic right yeah and we're like yeah they can still do things they're still you know they still get around they still they don't need me right right and then so we like we argued and argued and settled on quadriplegic
Guest:Oh, my God.
Guest:Right?
Guest:So, we're going to have a quadriplegic character.
Guest:Now, the thing is, I live with a comic called Eddie Ift, and I've kind of... Because this role only has about four lines.
Guest:Now, for a comic, that's a great sitcom part, because four lines in an episode, you don't have to move anything but your neck.
Guest:And they're going to be funny.
Guest:Very basic acting.
Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest:Right.
Guest:And so I said to him, I said, oh, you can have the quad role if you want, right?
Guest:But Eddie works out all the time.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:I'm saying, yeah, but if you want the role, you've got to let yourself go a bit more.
Marc:Fatten up a little.
Guest:You've got to fatten up a little.
Guest:We can't give you the part.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And so I'm just putting him through hell.
Guest:And we've got to give you like a real bad haircut and a thing.
Guest:And he's doing it?
Guest:Well, as soon as it's commissioned, I'm going to put his life through hell.
Guest:Yeah, I'm going to make him do all that.
Guest:He's agreed to do it?
Guest:Yeah, he's agreed to do it.
Guest:He wants to be in the sitcom.
Guest:He gets to be in the sitcom.
Guest:He's just got to fatten up.
Guest:You've got to fatten up and we've got to shave the side of your head so there's just a tough one on the top.
Guest:And that's your life from now on.
Marc:That's interesting, though, that they said that it's okay.
Marc:The negotiation in their minds was muscular dystrophy is a disease and it doesn't end well.
Marc:But quadriplegic is a condition.
Guest:yeah it's an accident yeah and he's gonna be all right yeah yeah he's not gonna necessarily die but also they uh they said to us they said that we met with standards and practices and they said uh are you gonna cast an actual quadriplegic in this role and we're like me and the guy i'm writing with we were like um no and they said well sort of union rules you should try to cast a disabled person in a disabled role and to get out of it we went oh no no episode six is a dream sequence where he walks around you know
Guest:and we haven't we haven't written episode six what's this episode six all about yeah yeah so now we've put ourselves a whole we gotta put a dream sequence where he walks around in episode six but i mean the the thing is uh they said well if you change your mind i said well you know like how many funny quadriplegic guys are there that we could you know if i'll i'll cast one if he's the funniest guy i imagine there's probably quite a few because in order to deal with that much of uh of an obstacle in life you'd have to be kind of funny
Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest:You've got to have a sense of humor about the whole thing.
Guest:But it's just, I think for like, we're going to be physically picking him up out of the chair and all that type of stuff.
Guest:I'd rather just use an able-bodied guy.
Marc:Right, because you need to know how to do that.
Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest:But that stanza practice is went, well, I think you should.
Guest:Personally, I think you should cast a quadriplegic.
Guest:She goes, it'd be a big break for one of them.
Guest:And I said, haven't they already had a big break?
Guest:And it was like, I've been standing around with all the executives like that going, and this is the response you got where they just sort of went, yeah, thanks, Jim.
Guest:That's good.
Guest:And I'm going, yeah, hey, I had a big break.
Guest:He's in a wheelchair, right?
Guest:Nothing.
Guest:Nothing, all right.
Guest:And the standards of practice people, I love them.
Guest:They have notes, like there's a dildo in one scene, but it's not like we're focusing on this thing, but there's like a dildo in the background of this girl's bedroom.
Guest:And they said, dildo cannot be anatomically correct.
Guest:No flesh colors or veins or head.
Guest:That was the line.
Guest:Yeah, so you can have a dildo, but it's got to look like a frog or like one of those rabbit ones or something like that.
Marc:Or a general dildo.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:Just the large phallic piece.
Guest:A large one, yeah.
Guest:Or it can be like one of those silver vibrators.
Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest:But it can't be- A cock.
Guest:A cock.
Marc:Well, good.
Marc:At least you're learning all the limitations of strategy practices.
Guest:Even if it is, like, obviously a rubber cock, it can't be a cock.
Marc:Well, that's, so all you people out there that are pitching shows with dildos and quadriplegics, I hope this has helped out.
Marc:And Jim Jeffries, continued success.
Marc:Thank you for talking to me.
Guest:Thanks for having me, man.
Marc:That's it, Jim Jeffries.
Marc:I like that guy.
Marc:I like that guy who can tell a good story.
Marc:He seems a little hard.
Marc:He's hard for his age, that dude.
Marc:Look, folks, thanks for listening.
Marc:Please go to WTFPod.com.
Marc:Enjoy yourselves.
Marc:You don't have to stay there long, but you can kick in a little green to the pot to keep me and Brendan out of the poorhouse, if you will.
Marc:Or you can get yourself some JustCoffee.com.
Marc:Please get on the mailing list.
Marc:Send me an email.
Marc:Do whatever you want over there.
Marc:But...
Marc:Did I say get some Just Coffee?
Marc:I did, didn't I?
Marc:Sorry, I'm delusional.
Marc:I'm a little sick.
Marc:I feel feverish.
Marc:I'm going down.
Marc:I don't know.
Marc:And, you know, click on Audible because you get a free thingy.
Marc:Okay?
Marc:All right.
Marc:I'll talk to you Thursday.
Marc:Be careful, please.
you