Episode 8 - Caroline Rhea / Matthew

Episode 8 • Released September 27, 2009 • Speakers detected

00:00:00Guest 3:Lock the gates!

00:00:07Guest 3:Are we doing this?

00:00:08Guest 3:Really?

00:00:08Guest 3:Wait for it.

00:00:09Guest 3:Are we doing this?

00:00:10Guest 3:Wait for it.

00:00:12Guest 3:Pow!

00:00:12Guest 3:What the fuck?

00:00:14Guest 3:And it's also, eh, what the fuck?

00:00:16Guest 3:What's wrong with me?

00:00:17Guest 3:It's time for WTF!

00:00:19Guest 2:What the fuck?

00:00:20Guest 2:With Mark Maron.

00:00:24Marc:welcome welcome welcome what the fuck arians what the fuckers wtfers sorry about the vulgarity but it is the title of the show got a very good show today my friend caroline ray the exceptional the exceptional the exceptional the exceptional comedian and dear friend of mine and very funny and a little crazy maybe i'll bring that up with her uh we'll be on the show in just a few minutes also

00:00:50Marc:You can email us at wtfpod at gmail, twitter.com slash wtfpod.

00:00:56Marc:And as always, I'd like to thank Brendan McDonald, who sits beside me and produces this goddamn thing every fucking week.

00:01:05Marc:What the fuck?

00:01:07Marc:Thank you.

00:01:08Marc:Let's move on into the show.

00:01:11Marc:I got to be honest with you, folks.

00:01:13Marc:A lot of people out there don't know me quite as well as some of you.

00:01:17Marc:So I want to get people up to speed.

00:01:20Marc:As many of you know, I went through a pretty nasty divorce and it was a two year process and it was awful.

00:01:27Marc:And I understood why the woman left me.

00:01:29Marc:I knew why.

00:01:30Marc:OK, I understood that.

00:01:31Marc:Did not understand why she had to set out to bankrupt me and destroy my life financially.

00:01:38Marc:And one thing I'm learning, there's a couple of things I'm learning, is that for a while there, all I was thinking about was like, what the fuck?

00:01:45Marc:Why does she need to do this?

00:01:46Marc:She could have been fine.

00:01:48Marc:And then I got into this spite thing where I was like, oh, I'll show her.

00:01:51Marc:I'll show her.

00:01:53Marc:And all of my energy and mind went into how I'm going to show her.

00:01:56Marc:I'll show her, I'll make her upset.

00:01:59Marc:I'll do.

00:02:00Marc:And the horrible thing about that is I had this huge realization.

00:02:03Marc:Like you could be sitting there thinking like, oh yeah, oh, she's going to regret it.

00:02:08Marc:And they could just be living their life and not thinking about you at all.

00:02:14Marc:And that is horrible.

00:02:16Marc:That's really what it comes down to is how can you be with somebody for so long?

00:02:20Marc:And then they just don't think about you at all.

00:02:23Marc:Well, here's what happened.

00:02:25Marc:I went through this horrible divorce.

00:02:27Marc:And granted, I was no angel about the divorce.

00:02:33Marc:There was a fight.

00:02:34Marc:There were lawyers involved.

00:02:35Marc:But I tried to be as respectful as possible.

00:02:39Marc:And somewhere during the divorce, I decided to do a Google search.

00:02:44Marc:And I guess the internet is tremendous for research.

00:02:47Marc:So I think the name of that research project I will call Who's My Ex-Wife Fucking?

00:02:52Marc:That would be the title of this research project.

00:02:55Marc:So I get on Google.

00:02:57Marc:I type in my wife's name, my ex-wife's name.

00:02:59Marc:Then I'm brought to a photo gallery from an event in New York.

00:03:03Marc:I find a picture of my ex-wife and some guy, the name underneath.

00:03:06Marc:So I Google search his name.

00:03:08Marc:Then I'm taken to an IMDB page.

00:03:10Marc:Okay, so he's a screenwriter of some sort.

00:03:13Marc:Then I'm taken to his Wikipedia page.

00:03:15Marc:Then I find out he's Harvard educated, comes from a rich family, has a script deal with a major studio, writes on a major television show.

00:03:22Marc:The only thing I didn't find during my research project was actual video of them having sex, stopping in the middle to turn at the camera and go, ha ha ha ha, Mark Barron, what are you going to do now?

00:03:34Marc:I'm not saying that that doesn't exist, but I surrendered my search at that time.

00:03:39Marc:That was a completely unnecessary search.

00:03:41Marc:I mean, what the fuck was I thinking?

00:03:43Marc:What I think was going to happen, you don't need to do that search.

00:03:46Marc:That search yields nothing.

00:03:47Marc:There's two searches you don't ever have to do.

00:03:49Marc:Anyone that resembles that one and one that follows a moment where you're feeling around somewhere in your body and you go, oh, what's that lump?

00:03:55Marc:Oh, Google, lump in armpit.

00:03:57Marc:Don't do that one.

00:03:59Marc:They're never going to take you to a place that's going to be good.

00:04:02Marc:They'll both metaphorically take you to the same place.

00:04:03Marc:In that moment, you will believe, it will be confirmed that something inside of you you have no control over is destroying you.

00:04:11Marc:All right.

00:04:11Marc:So that aside, so now I have this information.

00:04:14Marc:All right.

00:04:15Marc:And this is going back probably about six months.

00:04:17Marc:I know exactly who she's dating.

00:04:20Marc:And then I find out they're engaged a little quick.

00:04:23Marc:I mean, a little fast.

00:04:24Marc:Am I wrong?

00:04:26Marc:a little fast to be engaged.

00:04:28Marc:I'm not judging.

00:04:29Marc:I'm not saying anything went on behind my back.

00:04:31Marc:I'm not saying that she was having an affair, but it's a possibility, but I'm above that.

00:04:35Marc:What difference does it make now?

00:04:36Marc:People say, I'll tell you what difference does it make?

00:04:38Marc:It makes difference in the halls of Marin judgment.

00:04:42Marc:Okay.

00:04:43Marc:So this is my fear.

00:04:45Marc:I spent six months literally obsessed with the idea of running into my ex-wife and her boyfriend and what's going to happen during that interaction.

00:04:57Marc:What is going to happen?

00:04:58Marc:Am I going to cry?

00:05:00Marc:Am I going to yell?

00:05:02Marc:Am I going to be holding a yoga mat?

00:05:04Marc:Am I going to have a cat in a carrying case?

00:05:06Marc:What's going to happen?

00:05:08Marc:How can any of the scenarios be anything but painful and awful and make me feel like a small little man?

00:05:14Marc:Then a miracle happens.

00:05:16Marc:Let's go to another area here.

00:05:18Marc:And this gets back to what I was talking about at the beginning about dating.

00:05:21Marc:I get an email through my website during this time.

00:05:25Marc:All right.

00:05:26Marc:An email.

00:05:27Marc:I don't know who it is.

00:05:28Marc:It's a woman saying, hey, I met you once.

00:05:31Marc:Shook your hand.

00:05:32Marc:I'm in a position to do more now.

00:05:34Marc:I'm in town for two weeks.

00:05:36Marc:I'm in Brooklyn.

00:05:37Marc:Thought you might want to get together.

00:05:38Marc:So I'm single.

00:05:40Marc:I don't know her.

00:05:41Marc:It came through my website.

00:05:42Marc:I say, of course I do.

00:05:45Marc:When and where do you want to meet?

00:05:47Marc:And then I freak out a little bit and I write another email.

00:05:49Marc:Wait, who are you?

00:05:51Marc:I'm thinking Brooklyn.

00:05:53Marc:Is she a middle-aged Orthodox Jewish woman in trouble?

00:05:56Marc:That's where I went.

00:05:57Marc:I don't know why.

00:05:57Marc:And I'm not, I don't want to be holding any wigs down.

00:06:01Marc:So I email back.

00:06:04Marc:I say, wait a minute.

00:06:06Marc:What's your story?

00:06:08Marc:And she goes, well, I make a living off my image.

00:06:12Marc:I'm getting a little long in the tooth for that.

00:06:15Marc:I grew up in New Mexico.

00:06:16Marc:I live here now.

00:06:17Marc:And I'm like, I live in New Mexico.

00:06:19Marc:I don't know what long in the tooth means or what making a living off your image means, but it can't be that bad.

00:06:25Marc:So then I Google her name and I'm brought to a website where they have models.

00:06:29Marc:And there's a model who's in a portfolio of stuff for magazines with her name.

00:06:34Marc:And I'm like, OK, who's fucking with me?

00:06:37Marc:Real funny.

00:06:38Marc:Who's who's punking me?

00:06:40Marc:Who's what am I getting into?

00:06:42Marc:This is a joke.

00:06:44Marc:This woman is not the woman who's writing me.

00:06:46Marc:I'm not stupid.

00:06:48Marc:So I agree because I'm figuring, well, look, if someone's punking me, maybe it's for a show on YouTube.

00:06:53Marc:I don't know.

00:06:53Marc:So I go, yeah, OK, let's meet.

00:06:55Marc:And I go to meet this woman.

00:06:57Marc:And it turns out to be her.

00:06:59Marc:And I'm amazed.

00:07:01Marc:And I'm like, oh, my God.

00:07:02Marc:And literally, we go out for coffee.

00:07:03Marc:She says, look.

00:07:05Marc:I really like you.

00:07:06Marc:I've liked you for a long time.

00:07:08Marc:I heard you were divorced because you said it on television.

00:07:11Marc:I'm around.

00:07:12Marc:I thought you might want to hang out.

00:07:13Marc:I'm in a relationship, but it's sort of an open relationship.

00:07:16Marc:And I just wanted to spend maybe a week or so with you just hanging out.

00:07:20Marc:And I'm thinking, this is ridiculous.

00:07:24Marc:Of course I want to do that.

00:07:26Marc:And it was spectacular.

00:07:28Marc:It was just beautiful.

00:07:29Marc:She came to my apartment.

00:07:30Marc:It was like a French movie.

00:07:31Marc:You know, we danced naked.

00:07:33Marc:We fed each other things.

00:07:35Marc:I sat in the kitchen, smoked a cigar nude, and she was dancing around.

00:07:39Marc:It was one of those things where I don't know if you've ever had the moment where you realize that it doesn't matter where you are.

00:07:45Marc:It doesn't get any better than what's happening right now.

00:07:49Marc:I hope to God you have moments like that.

00:07:52Marc:Because I'm watching her dance to some Samba music.

00:07:55Marc:Is that the word?

00:07:56Marc:Samba or Samba?

00:07:59Marc:Mambo?

00:08:00Marc:Mambo.

00:08:02Marc:On the little radio on top of my fridge in my kitchen.

00:08:05Marc:And I'm just sitting there and we're laughing.

00:08:06Marc:And I'm like, this is incredible.

00:08:08Marc:And then it was so sweet because I knew she had to go.

00:08:10Marc:And it was so French movie-ish.

00:08:15Marc:And I said goodbye.

00:08:15Marc:And she was like, good luck with your life.

00:08:18Yeah.

00:08:18Marc:And then she goes away to go on a shoot in Europe.

00:08:23Marc:And then she comes back and she calls me back.

00:08:25Marc:And I'm like, oh my God, it's a sequel.

00:08:28Marc:It's still good.

00:08:28Marc:It's perfect.

00:08:29Marc:And she's hanging out for a couple more days.

00:08:32Marc:And then she's going to leave again.

00:08:33Marc:So we have to do the ending of the movie again, which is fine.

00:08:35Marc:It was fine both times.

00:08:37Marc:It was a little redundant, but it was fine.

00:08:38Marc:I'm not sure if I went to that movie that I would enjoy it because I'd be like, oh, that's so sad.

00:08:42Marc:Wait, she's back.

00:08:44Marc:Oh, there's the ending again.

00:08:45Marc:So it wouldn't work narratively if it were a film.

00:08:47Marc:But nonetheless,

00:08:48Marc:So the day before she's leaving, I'm walking down the street with her, 14th Street here in New York City.

00:08:57Marc:Mind you, I am just having the greatest time.

00:09:02Marc:We're laughing.

00:09:02Marc:We're arm in arm.

00:09:03Marc:We're kissing.

00:09:04Marc:And we're walking down 14th Street.

00:09:06Marc:And who's walking towards me, who I haven't seen anywhere ever in six months?

00:09:12Marc:My ex-wife is walking towards me.

00:09:15Marc:And I'm like, oh, my God, there she is.

00:09:18Marc:And I'm holding this beautiful woman.

00:09:21Marc:And my ex-wife just looks at me.

00:09:22Marc:I look at her.

00:09:24Marc:Nothing is said.

00:09:24Marc:I shrug my shoulders.

00:09:27Marc:Watch her walk by.

00:09:29Marc:She looks back and kind of like with a what the fuck face.

00:09:32Marc:And I'm like, what the fuck is right?

00:09:34Guest 3:Ha ha.

00:09:37Marc:Nothing was said.

00:09:38Marc:And I looked at the woman I was with and I was like, you don't know what just happened.

00:09:41Marc:You don't know.

00:09:42Marc:This is it.

00:09:44Marc:This is great.

00:09:45Marc:That was my ex-wife.

00:09:46Marc:She's like, oh, my God.

00:09:47Marc:I'm like, thank you.

00:09:48Marc:Thank you.

00:09:49Marc:I think I actually looked up at God who I don't even believe in.

00:09:53Marc:And I said, thank you.

00:09:54Marc:OK, it was a small thing, but it meant a lot.

00:09:57Marc:And if we could work on the career now, that would be helpful.

00:10:01Marc:Now, whether or not my ex-wife walked away feeling anything other than like, why doesn't he introduce me to this girl he's dating?

00:10:07Marc:Or that seemed a little rude.

00:10:09Marc:Like in my mind, you know, like I got her, whatever that none of that matters.

00:10:13Marc:All I know is the obsession was lifted from wondering how that was going to unfold.

00:10:20Marc:And the weirdest thing about that story is I was in Los Angeles.

00:10:26Marc:Like months later.

00:10:27Marc:And since that event, I'm now seeing that woman.

00:10:32Marc:That's another story entirely that I don't want to get into.

00:10:34Marc:But she was out in Los Angeles with me.

00:10:37Marc:And I was supposed to do an interview for a magazine at this coffee shop with this guy.

00:10:44Marc:And I didn't know where this coffee shop was.

00:10:45Marc:I'd never been to that part of town.

00:10:47Marc:I was only in L.A.

00:10:48Marc:for a few days.

00:10:49Marc:And the woman I'm seeing was there.

00:10:51Marc:She's going to be staying at my house.

00:10:53Marc:So I tell her, just come with me.

00:10:54Marc:It's only going to take 10 minutes.

00:10:55Marc:We drive this part of town I never go to, never been to this coffee shop.

00:10:58Marc:I walk in with this woman.

00:11:00Marc:And in the corner, I recognize the guy who's sitting there at his computer.

00:11:05Marc:And it's my ex-wife's fiance.

00:11:06Marc:And I know it's him.

00:11:09Marc:And I'm like, how is this even possible?

00:11:11Marc:Both times.

00:11:12Marc:I don't run into these people for months.

00:11:14Marc:And there he is in this woman.

00:11:16Marc:I'm with this woman again.

00:11:18Marc:And he looks at me and I know he knows who I am.

00:11:20Marc:And I'm sort of like, we doing this?

00:11:22Marc:What are we going to do here?

00:11:24Marc:What's going to happen?

00:11:26Marc:It was sort of like, all right, here we are.

00:11:29Marc:And he nods at me and I nod at him.

00:11:31Marc:He puts down his computer.

00:11:32Marc:He gets up and I'm like, how you doing?

00:11:33Marc:He goes, good.

00:11:34Marc:I'm like, I know you are.

00:11:35Marc:He's like, yeah, I know you are too.

00:11:37Marc:Everything good?

00:11:38Marc:I say inside, I probably said something like, well, it's good to meet you.

00:11:44Marc:And we started talking about, you know, bullshit about my cat, you know, who my ex is going to pick up.

00:11:51Marc:And he's like, yeah, well, she's going to pick it up.

00:11:53Marc:And I'm like, well, where's she?

00:11:54Marc:Is she in town?

00:11:54Marc:And he's like, yeah, she's coming to get me in five minutes.

00:11:58Marc:And I'm like, you know, that makes me a new different because I would have so been on the phone with her telling her that I'd seen you if you were me.

00:12:05Marc:But he didn't do that.

00:12:06Marc:And sure enough, within a few minutes, the ex pulls up outside in the car.

00:12:11Marc:I'm sitting there.

00:12:12Marc:She sees me.

00:12:12Marc:She sees the woman I'm with.

00:12:14Marc:She sees her fiance.

00:12:17Marc:She doesn't come in.

00:12:18Marc:She just sits out there.

00:12:20Marc:So I walked out.

00:12:21Marc:I'm like, hey, how's it going?

00:12:22Marc:And then the car started to roll over my foot.

00:12:24Marc:I said, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

00:12:25Marc:And she's like, oh, sorry, I didn't do that on purpose.

00:12:28Marc:And I'm like, okay, how are you doing?

00:12:29Marc:She's like, I'm fine.

00:12:31Marc:I'm like, well, that's cool.

00:12:32Marc:What's been going on?

00:12:33Marc:She goes, I'm picking up my fiance.

00:12:36Marc:Yes, I know.

00:12:37Marc:I just met him.

00:12:38Marc:Seems like a nice guy.

00:12:40Marc:Okay, we'll take care.

00:12:42Marc:And then I went back into the coffee shop.

00:12:44Marc:I said, what are you, some magic woman?

00:12:47Marc:Are you some witch of coincidence that that happens both times with you?

00:12:51Marc:Thank you so much again.

00:12:54Marc:So now I guess I've gotten that out of the way.

00:12:56Marc:The awkward meeting, the potential anger was buffered by being with somebody else.

00:13:02Marc:And I really wish them the best of luck together.

00:13:06Marc:I really hope that they're both really happy.

00:13:10Marc:And that everything that I was, he isn't.

00:13:15Marc:And that she's really comfortable with him.

00:13:17Marc:And that after about three or four years, she realizes that I was her one true love and that she can never have me ever again.

00:13:26Marc:And she has to hold that inside of her like a thorn in her detached, horrible heart.

00:13:34Marc:That's a fable.

00:13:46Guest 1:Are we podcasting?

00:13:49Guest 1:I've never podcasted before.

00:13:51Marc:We're just taping something.

00:13:53Marc:That voice you hear, if you're familiar with television and funny people, is Caroline Ray.

00:13:58Guest 1:Marcia, it's like the nice thing you've ever said to me, ever.

00:14:02Marc:Well, I mean, what do you want me to do?

00:14:03Marc:When people say, you know, is Caroline Ray funny?

00:14:06Marc:I go, yes, she's funny.

00:14:07Guest 1:No, you just totally added a question mark that is so bitchy.

00:14:10Guest 1:Oh, yeah, she's funny.

00:14:11Guest 1:No, there's more like definitive.

00:14:13Guest 1:Yes, she's very funny.

00:14:14Marc:Yes, I say that.

00:14:16Guest 1:Okay, all right, fine.

00:14:17Marc:And sometimes I qualify it with like, she's a little crazy.

00:14:19Guest 1:Ah!

00:14:20Guest 1:What?

00:14:20Guest 1:Really, really.

00:14:21Marc:Is that right?

00:14:22Guest 1:That's like you telling another wolf man that he looks like a wolf man.

00:14:25Guest 1:I mean, that's ridiculous, you furry beast.

00:14:27Guest 1:It's totally wrong.

00:14:29Guest 1:Little crazy.

00:14:30Guest 1:Define crazy.

00:14:31Guest 1:Crazy.

00:14:32Marc:Well, I know that, but what I'm saying... Loony.

00:14:34Marc:I'm saying that you should... I don't think that you're fooling anybody.

00:14:37Guest 1:I mean, you're definitely... Just because I don't advertise it and package it.

00:14:41Guest 1:Who's not?

00:14:42Guest 1:Okay, I've lived in New York for 20 years.

00:14:43Guest 1:I'm not crazy.

00:14:44Marc:No, you're not crazy, but you're a highly emotional, excitable person.

00:14:51Well...

00:14:51Guest 1:He's just provoking me within the first 30 seconds.

00:14:55Guest 1:I shouldn't have interrupted the intro.

00:14:56Guest 1:Go on!

00:14:57Guest 1:I'm very highly excitable.

00:14:59Guest 1:Go ahead.

00:15:00Guest 1:I just hurt your engineer, your vocal engineer with that one.

00:15:03Marc:Why didn't you touch anybody when you came in?

00:15:05Marc:What's with the hand thing?

00:15:06Guest 1:Because I have a baby and I don't like, I just, you know, they're very lovely.

00:15:10Guest 1:They're both very clean looking.

00:15:11Guest 1:They probably are Virgos.

00:15:12Guest 1:They wash their hands.

00:15:13Guest 1:Are you?

00:15:14Guest 1:Virgos?

00:15:15Guest 1:Matthew, Virgo?

00:15:15Guest 1:What are you?

00:15:16Guest 1:Leo.

00:15:17Guest 1:Leo.

00:15:17Marc:Brendan?

00:15:18Guest 1:Sagittarius.

00:15:18Guest 1:Okay, so I'm way off.

00:15:20Guest 1:Whatever.

00:15:20Guest 1:They're fire signs.

00:15:21Marc:Crazy.

00:15:21Guest 1:Crazy.

00:15:22Guest 1:I don't know why you think that.

00:15:23Guest 1:Libra.

00:15:25Guest 1:Bossy Libra.

00:15:26Guest 1:But, you know, I have a baby.

00:15:28Guest 1:I don't want to.

00:15:28Guest 1:But you can wash your hands.

00:15:29Guest 1:I mean, what is it with this?

00:15:30Guest 1:You know, I have a baby.

00:15:31Guest 1:You know what?

00:15:31Guest 1:I will.

00:15:32Guest 1:I'll deep French kiss both of them on the way out and I feel bad.

00:15:34Guest 1:What about me?

00:15:35Guest 1:I don't get any of that action.

00:15:37Marc:No.

00:15:38Marc:Okay.

00:15:38Guest 1:You don't even get a handshake anymore.

00:15:40Marc:I know that.

00:15:41Marc:I almost.

00:15:41Guest 1:You're dressed in such a like grown up manly Grizzly Adams L.L.

00:15:45Guest 1:Bean kind of way.

00:15:46Guest 1:It's bizarre.

00:15:47Yeah.

00:15:47Marc:It's my new thing.

00:15:48Marc:I'm the Jewish, manly, grizzly, Adam, L.L.

00:15:50Marc:Bean kind of guy.

00:15:52Guest 1:L.L.

00:15:52Guest 1:Jewel.

00:15:53Guest 1:What is it?

00:15:54Guest 1:L.L.

00:15:54Marc:It was almost something.

00:15:55Guest 1:You know what?

00:15:56Guest 1:It was almost funny.

00:15:57Guest 1:That's the other thing.

00:15:58Guest 1:I had a baby, and so all my estrogen levels shrunk, so I can't finish a sentence.

00:16:01Guest 1:I never say that.

00:16:02Guest 1:Knock, knock, joke, stump me.

00:16:03Marc:Maybe that's what's wrong with me.

00:16:04Guest 1:You have too much estrogen?

00:16:06Marc:No, my memory's not as good.

00:16:08Marc:And maybe it's my estrogen levels.

00:16:09Guest 1:Maybe it's because the more aware of life you become, the less you want to remember because of your naughty, naughty behavior in the 80s and 90s.

00:16:17Guest 1:Maybe that's true.

00:16:18Guest 1:Maybe that is true.

00:16:18Guest 1:That's my brain taking care of me.

00:16:19Guest 1:I think that every year that you age, in exchange for the lack of collagen, you should be able to erase one bad sex memory from your head forever.

00:16:29Marc:I don't have any bad sex memories.

00:16:31Guest 1:Yes, but there's another part of the person involved, and maybe you're being erased somewhere right this very moment as someone blows out their birthday candles.

00:16:40Guest 1:Probably not, but possibly.

00:16:41Guest 1:My wish to get Marc Maron out of my head.

00:16:45Yeah.

00:16:45Marc:I'm sure that's been said.

00:16:47Marc:I'm sure that's been said.

00:16:49Guest 1:It used to be to give you head.

00:16:50Guest 1:Now it's to get you out of your head.

00:16:52Marc:Absolutely.

00:16:52Marc:Well, usually they're one and the same.

00:16:55Marc:Women hate themselves for liking me.

00:16:59Guest 1:Why is that?

00:16:59Guest 1:Why do they hate themselves for liking you?

00:17:01Guest 1:You're a very desirable human being.

00:17:03Guest 1:I know.

00:17:03Guest 1:From a distance, quiet, when no one can see you and they can just smell you.

00:17:07Marc:But let's get back to L.L.

00:17:08Marc:Bean because I do have a fixation with it.

00:17:11Marc:It is weird.

00:17:11Marc:You are a preppy sort of hippie.

00:17:14Marc:I don't know what it is, but I got the catalog last night.

00:17:16Marc:I get them and I don't throw them away.

00:17:18Marc:I literally sit on my couch.

00:17:20Marc:I sat on my couch last night looking at L.L.

00:17:22Marc:Bean clothes going, how can I make these mine?

00:17:24Marc:Because in the way.

00:17:27Guest 1:But I've seen you in plaid.

00:17:28Guest 1:Maybe it's your upbringing.

00:17:29Marc:They're so bland that I think that they have integrity.

00:17:33Marc:It's an integrity thing in my head.

00:17:34Marc:Like L.L.

00:17:35Marc:Bean, made in America, reasonably priced, always looks stupid.

00:17:39Guest 1:I think that's their motto.

00:17:41Guest 1:Yeah.

00:17:42Marc:But I'll buy the flannel.

00:17:44Guest 1:You will.

00:17:44Marc:Like the chamois shirts.

00:17:45Marc:I like those.

00:17:46Guest 1:Yeah, but you can pull it off.

00:17:46Guest 1:Like, you're never going to look like it's Albane when you're wearing them.

00:17:49Guest 1:That's exactly why.

00:17:50Guest 1:But you know what?

00:17:50Guest 1:How about that your jeans are so skinny and tight?

00:17:52Guest 1:What are those?

00:17:53Marc:Are these tight?

00:17:54Marc:They're too tight already?

00:17:55Guest 1:Oh, my God.

00:17:55Guest 1:These are Levi's.

00:17:56Guest 1:Levi.

00:17:56Guest 1:Have you ever met any man more paranoid about his weight and appearance in your entire life?

00:18:00Guest 1:It's unbelievable.

00:18:01Guest 1:Literally.

00:18:02Guest 1:It's like the international way women greet each other.

00:18:04Guest 1:It's like, oh, my God, you've lost weight.

00:18:05Guest 1:You look great.

00:18:06Guest 1:You have to say it to Mark.

00:18:07Guest 1:And then he's like, angry that you say it and angry if you don't.

00:18:09Marc:I know.

00:18:10Marc:So that makes me sensitive and aware and a little insecure about my weight.

00:18:15Marc:You can blame my mother.

00:18:16Guest 1:I know.

00:18:18Marc:Yeah.

00:18:18Marc:My mother who says, I don't know if I could love you if you were fat.

00:18:21Marc:Are you going to say that to your new daughter?

00:18:23Guest 1:Okay.

00:18:23Guest 1:First of all, someone came up to me today and first every, if one more person says, what's his name?

00:18:28Guest 1:And I'm like, what gave it away?

00:18:29Guest 1:The pink dress, pink hat or pink, you know, it is a girl.

00:18:33Guest 1:And then they go, well, what's his name?

00:18:35Guest 1:I go, his name is Ava.

00:18:37Guest 1:Your name is idiot.

00:18:38Guest 1:What's wrong with you?

00:18:39Guest 1:And then I'm like, it's a girl.

00:18:42Guest 1:It's because she doesn't have a lot of hair.

00:18:44Guest 1:You wouldn't go up to like a woman with a balding husband and say, hey, what's your wife's name?

00:18:48Guest 1:Stupid.

00:18:50Guest 1:It's just a baby.

00:18:51Guest 1:And then this woman today said, because she's got lots of teeth and she's got the gapper that my whole family has.

00:18:57Guest 1:And she said, oh, she's going to need braces.

00:18:59Guest 1:And I literally wanted to punch her in the mouth and go, and so are you.

00:19:01Guest 1:And on your legs as well.

00:19:03Guest 1:Don't ever say anything mean about my baby, you hateful bitch.

00:19:06Yeah.

00:19:06Marc:Well, it's better that they don't go, what is it?

00:19:09Marc:Do people say, what is it?

00:19:10Guest 1:Well, human?

00:19:11Guest 1:Is that what I'm going to go?

00:19:12Guest 1:It's a love.

00:19:12Guest 1:It's a Martian.

00:19:13Guest 1:It's a Martian boy.

00:19:14Marc:Were you worried about your baby before you had it?

00:19:18Marc:I was completely terrified.

00:19:20Guest 1:What are you talking about?

00:19:20Guest 1:I swear to God, I had so many sonograms.

00:19:23Guest 1:I put them on our website and I called it My Tubes.

00:19:28Guest 3:No.

00:19:30Guest 3:Yeah.

00:19:30Guest 3:Good one.

00:19:31Yeah.

00:19:31Guest 1:I can't even imagine.

00:19:33Guest 1:I'm terrified.

00:19:33Guest 1:But I saw the baby.

00:19:34Guest 1:You see that there's, because of the advanced, you know, advancement in technology, you can literally go and you see on the sonogram, you see every feature of the child in the womb.

00:19:45Guest 1:It's crazy.

00:19:46Guest 1:You can see it all.

00:19:47Guest 1:And then I'd be like, oh, what is that there?

00:19:49Guest 1:And they're like, that's blood.

00:19:50Guest 1:And those are, you know, that's your uterus.

00:19:53Guest 1:But you can see, I knew exact, I mean, the technician used to say, oh my God, the baby looks so much like Kostocki.

00:19:59Marc:Oh, thank God.

00:20:00Guest 1:Thank God.

00:20:00Guest 1:Because let me tell you right now, she has red hair and she's about six feet tall.

00:20:03Guest 1:And I've been on Conan 26 times.

00:20:05Guest 1:So he wants a DNA test.

00:20:06Marc:I'm just saying.

00:20:07Marc:And this is like, it's so amazing because you wanted a baby a long time.

00:20:11Guest 1:I wanted a baby forever and ever.

00:20:13Guest 1:And I didn't think I was going to get one.

00:20:14Guest 1:And I went through the fun fertility of the game show called the $10,000 period.

00:20:20Guest 1:Yeah.

00:20:21Guest 1:What does that mean?

00:20:23Guest 1:Well, you go, and they tell you that you have absolutely no chance in the world to have a baby unless, of course, you do this protocol.

00:20:29Guest 1:And you know what?

00:20:29Guest 1:I think people buy into it too much.

00:20:32Guest 1:Why?

00:20:32Guest 1:Because of your age?

00:20:33Guest 1:Yes, because of my age.

00:20:34Guest 1:Because once you're over 35, and let's just leave it at that, click, click, click, Google, Google, Google, error, IMDb, wrong, actually 24.

00:20:43Guest 1:I hate that stupid site.

00:20:45Guest 1:Anyway...

00:20:46Guest 1:It's awful.

00:20:47Guest 1:Can I tell you, when we were young, stalking was like a really calorie burning activity.

00:20:52Guest 1:Now it's like one click, you know everything.

00:20:55Marc:I know.

00:20:55Guest 1:You had to change your major in college to go into a class where you could see somebody.

00:20:59Marc:Yeah.

00:21:00Guest 1:Now.

00:21:00Marc:Nothing.

00:21:01Guest 1:Nothing.

00:21:01Marc:You can just look it up.

00:21:02Guest 1:You literally, it's like, I'm going to IMDB you.

00:21:04Guest 1:I'm going to wire image you.

00:21:05Guest 1:I'm going, you know.

00:21:06Marc:I always communicate with my stalkers because I find if you... Communicate?

00:21:09Guest 1:And by that he means date, live with, eventually marry.

00:21:13Marc:If you engage them, eventually you'll disappoint them and you won't live up to what they thought you were and they'll go away.

00:21:19Guest 1:That is hilarious.

00:21:20Guest 1:I think, though, if you stalk someone long enough, they'll eventually become your friend because they're bored.

00:21:25Guest 1:Because I stalked Benicio Del Toro to the point that he's like, hey, Caroline, how are you?

00:21:30Guest 1:Like, eventually he surrendered.

00:21:32Guest 1:I did have a talk show at the time that was easier rather than, you know.

00:21:35Marc:But do you know whether or not, like, if you're approaching, he says to his friend, here comes that girl.

00:21:40Guest 1:Oh, I'm sure.

00:21:41Guest 1:Like, you know who does that?

00:21:42Guest 1:Do you want to know the saddest thing in the world?

00:21:44Yeah.

00:21:44Guest 1:You know, who literally when she sees me, she like kind of looks away like, oh, Looney Tune, around the corner, Carol Burnett.

00:21:50Guest 1:Oh, it's so sad.

00:21:51Guest 1:Because I, she means so much to me that I can't help but it starts out like.

00:21:56Guest 1:Be abusive.

00:21:57Guest 1:I'm like, you know.

00:21:59Guest 1:I just wanted to be as a kid in your name and everybody called me Carol.

00:22:04Guest 1:I wouldn't want to be around me either, but I once played poker next to Harvey Korman.

00:22:08Guest 1:I cried my eyes out too.

00:22:09Guest 1:There's somebody, it just, it meant too much to me.

00:22:11Guest 1:So she's the loveliest woman in the world.

00:22:12Guest 1:But when she sees me, she's like, I, no, I don't want to be cried on again by grandma over here with her baby.

00:22:18Marc:Oh my God.

00:22:19Guest 1:Who is it for you?

00:22:20Guest 1:Is there anybody that you know that?

00:22:21Marc:That I frighten?

00:22:22Guest 1:No, everyone.

00:22:23Guest 1:But no, anybody that you, like you'd meet and go, oh my God, you meant so much to me.

00:22:28Marc:Yeah, I've done awkward things.

00:22:31Marc:I had a weird exchange with Larry David recently.

00:22:35Guest 1:Oh, yeah?

00:22:35Marc:Yeah.

00:22:36Marc:It was interesting, because I saw him at the New York airport going to L.A., and he looks like Larry David.

00:22:44Marc:And I like Larry David, but he's just one of those people that I couldn't see any difference between him on screen and off.

00:22:51Guest 1:Right, because he's allegedly playing himself.

00:22:53Marc:Yeah.

00:22:53Marc:Right.

00:22:54Marc:So it sort of screwed my head initially.

00:22:55Marc:But then I did that thing where I walked by him to see if he would recognize me.

00:22:59Marc:Right.

00:22:59Marc:So I could talk on a level playing field with him.

00:23:02Marc:Right.

00:23:02Marc:And he didn't.

00:23:03Marc:And then I sat there like, you know, festering, like, well, should I, you know, should I do this?

00:23:07Marc:And I decided to take the radio approach like, hey, Larry David, Mark Maron, you know, I'm a comedian.

00:23:12Marc:He's host a radio show.

00:23:13Marc:He's like, oh, my God, Mark Maron.

00:23:14Marc:I listen to you in the morning with the black guy.

00:23:16Marc:Right.

00:23:17Marc:You know, so because my partner was black and I'm like, yeah.

00:23:20Marc:So we ended up having this conversation.

00:23:22Marc:About divorce, about radio, about comedy.

00:23:25Marc:I talked to him for like a half an hour.

00:23:27Marc:Wow.

00:23:27Marc:And the weirdest thing happened to me, though, was I started to, because I've watched the show enough, and this has never happened to me, it started to feel like I was on an episode of the show, like I was checking my conversation.

00:23:38Marc:Right.

00:23:39Marc:Like there was a moment where he was getting on for first class and I was in coach.

00:23:43Marc:And I literally said, OK, well, I guess you got to get on now.

00:23:46Marc:Great talking to you, my friend.

00:23:48Marc:And I said, I was thinking to myself, I never say my friend.

00:23:51Guest 1:Ever.

00:23:51Marc:Right.

00:23:52Marc:Even to your friends.

00:23:53Marc:Right.

00:23:53Marc:And I thought, was that an episode?

00:23:55Marc:And then I felt like he was going to get on the plane going, why does he say he's my friend?

00:23:58Marc:Is it really my friend?

00:23:59Marc:And he's going to write a whole episode about me?

00:24:01Marc:And I sat there festering about it the whole trip.

00:24:03Guest 1:That's so funny.

00:24:04Guest 1:To the point where I wanted to- Two narcissists flying on the same plane going, what's he going to say about me?

00:24:08Guest 1:What's he going to say about me?

00:24:09Guest 1:Right.

00:24:09Guest 1:But he has a bigger platform to say it about, but he's got a radio show.

00:24:12Guest 1:I admire those people that will be listening.

00:24:13Guest 1:Oh my God.

00:24:14Guest 1:Yeah.

00:24:14Marc:Right, and I had to stop myself from getting off the plane going, you know what, I don't really mean to say my friend.

00:24:19Marc:You did not.

00:24:20Marc:No, I didn't, but I had to stop myself from doing that.

00:24:24Guest 1:I love the girl in you.

00:24:25Guest 1:I think that's why I've been your friend for as long as I have, because a woman would be like that, like obsessing, obsessing, like, oh my God, I can't believe I said that.

00:24:31Marc:I don't mind the girl in me.

00:24:33Marc:I just wish she didn't have an eating disorder.

00:24:37Guest 1:It's a teenage girl.

00:24:38Guest 1:You have a teenage girl in you.

00:24:39Marc:I know, but there's a couple of problems.

00:24:41Marc:She has an eating disorder and I can't have sex with her.

00:24:45Guest 1:But maybe you're a bit of a lesbian that way.

00:24:48Marc:Now it's getting complicated.

00:24:50Guest 1:Wait, do you know that I was on Larry David's pilot?

00:24:53Marc:I saw you on that show, and he couldn't remember your name.

00:24:55Guest 1:Right, and I had a huge crush on him for a long time because I'm- Oh, you're really crazy.

00:24:59Guest 1:Excuse me, I was dragged from a temple as a child.

00:25:01Guest 1:I'm only drawn to balding Jewish men.

00:25:03Guest 1:Okay, I always have been.

00:25:04Guest 1:Before he was famous, whatever.

00:25:05Guest 1:Okay.

00:25:05Guest 1:The Jewish men, it's their complete lack of interest in me.

00:25:08Guest 1:Anyway, and I'm a shiksa, and I thought that was a funny name until I found out what it meant.

00:25:12Guest 1:Anyway, he-

00:25:14Marc:You know, my grandmother said about Schicks is they're just for practice.

00:25:17Guest 1:Yeah, I know.

00:25:17Guest 1:Isn't that terrible?

00:25:19Guest 1:It's so terrible.

00:25:20Guest 1:Someone said that Elliot Cooper Stone's grandmother said that about my sister.

00:25:23Marc:I guess it must be in the Talmud.

00:25:25Marc:I don't know how they all know it.

00:25:27Guest 1:Can I tell you, I performed in what's my call it?

00:25:31Guest 1:What do you call it in the Catskills at, you know, a Kutcher's or one of those places.

00:25:36Guest 1:Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:25:37Guest 1:I swear to God, no one has ever bombed so much in their entire life as me.

00:25:40Guest 1:First of all, the guy who opened for me saying to dream the impossible dream.

00:25:44Guest 1:And then I came out and like it looked like I had a lazy eye because I was like just out of the spotlight.

00:25:48Guest 1:But nobody told me the whole time.

00:25:50Guest 1:And it was like elderly Jewish people have never moved faster in their entire life.

00:25:53Guest 1:I have like seven words in Yiddish.

00:25:54Guest 1:I'm like, well, I was engaged, but it wasn't beshert.

00:25:57Guest 1:And it's nice to be here with the whole mishmukkah.

00:25:59Guest 1:And now I know I'm causing usurus.

00:26:02Guest 1:And I know there's a big difference between a mitzvah and a mikvah.

00:26:04Guest 1:And then they were like, is there a fresh pot roast?

00:26:08Guest 1:Anyway.

00:26:09Marc:You did not use Yiddish.

00:26:11Guest 1:I swear to God.

00:26:12Marc:Oh, my God.

00:26:13Guest 1:I was panicked.

00:26:14Guest 1:Okay, wait.

00:26:14Guest 1:We were talking about Larry David.

00:26:15Guest 1:Oh.

00:26:16Guest 3:Yeah.

00:26:17Guest 1:Larry David.

00:26:18Guest 1:My father's name was Larry David Ray.

00:26:21Guest 1:And so when he and I, so when I did the pilot with Larry, they said, you know, it was just, it was the pilot.

00:26:26Guest 1:Nobody knew he was writing objectives or they go, just go over and humiliate yourself in front of Larry.

00:26:31Guest 1:And I was like, okay.

00:26:33Guest 1:And literally by the fourth time I was almost in tears.

00:26:35Guest 1:I'm like, I really can't do it.

00:26:36Guest 1:Like I went over and I go, Larry David.

00:26:37Guest 1:Oh my God.

00:26:37Guest 1:My father's name is Larry David Ray.

00:26:38Guest 1:And he would just look at me like.

00:26:40Guest 1:Awful.

00:26:41Guest 1:Awful.

00:26:41Guest 1:And then eventually I just said, it's Caroline, because he called me Caroline, and that's the only thing that worked.

00:26:47Guest 1:I'm getting that same look and feeling from the three of you now, but whatever.

00:26:49Marc:I almost threw up on Bo Diddley once.

00:26:51Guest 1:Wow.

00:26:52Guest 1:Who hasn't?

00:26:53Guest 1:Okay.

00:26:54Marc:No, I don't know.

00:26:56Marc:Back in the day, he was at the Lone Star.

00:26:59Guest 1:He didn't know Mark when he drank and smoked.

00:27:01Guest 1:And I know he's very sober and it's the right way.

00:27:05Guest 1:He was quite an entertaining little person when he was under the influence.

00:27:08Marc:Sweaty and angry, Mark.

00:27:09Guest 1:Sweaty.

00:27:10Guest 1:He was so angry.

00:27:12Guest 1:He was so angry.

00:27:12Guest 1:So angry about everything.

00:27:14Marc:I remember the first time we met, we were in the back of someone's car.

00:27:17Guest 1:We got in a fight.

00:27:18Marc:I know.

00:27:19Marc:Whose car was that?

00:27:20Guest 1:I told you that it was really funny that you did that joke about early pregnancy tests about how they act like it's so joyful, but it's like some teenage couple going, you know.

00:27:29Marc:Yeah, yeah.

00:27:29Guest 1:Whose car was that?

00:27:30Guest 1:Was it Laura Keitlinger?

00:27:31Marc:Maybe.

00:27:32Guest 1:And you and I, yeah, we had a fight within five seconds of meeting each other.

00:27:34Guest 1:Friends for life.

00:27:35Guest 1:What can you say?

00:27:36Marc:You were so like, so the waspy.

00:27:38Guest 1:I didn't even know what, I'd never been called a wasp until I moved to New York.

00:27:41Guest 1:I didn't know what I was.

00:27:42Guest 1:Thanks.

00:27:42Marc:What did we fight about?

00:27:44Guest 1:I don't know.

00:27:44Guest 1:We got in a fight within like 30 seconds.

00:27:47Guest 1:For months and months, we wouldn't talk to each other.

00:27:48Guest 1:It would be ridiculous.

00:27:49Marc:It was touch and go like two weeks ago.

00:27:50Guest 1:No, no, no.

00:27:51Guest 1:I saw him in Montreal and I still, I can't believe someone can make me that angry still.

00:27:55Marc:She asked me to come see her baby and I couldn't make it over.

00:27:58Guest 1:The first 10 and a half months.

00:28:02Guest 1:It's too long.

00:28:03Marc:And then you started sending me emails like, maybe you can meet her when she's a teenage girl, but that wouldn't be a good idea.

00:28:07Guest 1:Right.

00:28:08Marc:Yeah.

00:28:08Guest 1:Because that was appropriate.

00:28:09Marc:And then there was a line drawn.

00:28:11Guest 1:And then how about when I would call you and you go, I'll call you right back, which meant I didn't know that was code for never.

00:28:15Guest 1:I didn't know that I'll call you right back meant no, I will not until the baby's 18 and maybe she'll be attracted to me.

00:28:20Guest 1:I didn't know that.

00:28:21Guest 1:But I, I can't even, I apologize.

00:28:23Guest 1:I'm here now.

00:28:24Guest 1:Let it go.

00:28:25Guest 1:Because you kept on saying that you were like too bitter to meet a baby, which is really nice.

00:28:29Right.

00:28:29Marc:Well, you kept saying it would make me feel better.

00:28:31Guest 1:It would, because she has a joyful, beautiful energy around her.

00:28:34Guest 1:She's an amazing child.

00:28:36Guest 1:I agree.

00:28:36Guest 1:And don't you agree?

00:28:37Guest 1:And she's a Libra like you are.

00:28:39Marc:Yes, I felt like something deep and dark had been lifted from me.

00:28:42Guest 1:That is amazing.

00:28:44Guest 1:I think the fact that she hit you on the forehead and then put water on you and threw you in the baptism.

00:28:47Marc:Yeah, and she cried a little bit.

00:28:50Marc:I'm usually very good with babies and cats.

00:28:52Guest 1:Excuse me, babies and cats?

00:28:54Guest 1:They're not the same thing.

00:28:55Guest 1:Although when I first had the baby, I did go all the time because I was only used to cats.

00:28:59Guest 3:Look at the little baby.

00:29:02Guest 3:Come here.

00:29:03Guest 1:Come here.

00:29:04Guest 1:I know.

00:29:05Guest 1:Don't scratch her belly.

00:29:06Guest 1:She doesn't like it that much.

00:29:07Guest 1:Oh, my God.

00:29:08Guest 1:She's not even drinking.

00:29:09Guest 1:I would put my breast milk in a bowl.

00:29:12Marc:Oh, you're doing that?

00:29:13Guest 1:Yes.

00:29:14Marc:Do you have a pump?

00:29:15Guest 1:You know what, I do have a pump, and it is really, I remember the first time I was pumping, Kostaki, he's like, can I walk around the corner?

00:29:20Marc:Kostaki, your boyfriend.

00:29:21Guest 1:Yeah, I go, if you never want to have an erection again, ever, you will watch me pump.

00:29:25Guest 1:It is the grossest.

00:29:26Guest 1:First of all, you hear that noise, and you are literally in a pasture by yourself pumping.

00:29:32Guest 1:It's...

00:29:32Guest 1:But, you know, it's important.

00:29:34Guest 1:I was not going to breastfeed.

00:29:35Guest 1:I got gestational diabetes, so I had no sugar the last 14 weeks because I controlled it completely.

00:29:40Guest 1:I actually lost 12 pounds.

00:29:41Guest 1:I think it's hilarious.

00:29:42Guest 1:The only time in my life I've really consistently lost weight.

00:29:44Guest 1:I was in my final trimester of pregnancy.

00:29:47Guest 1:And when I had the baby, I swear to God, I was in such a bad mood because I had no carbohydrates.

00:29:52Guest 1:I got asthma.

00:29:53Guest 1:I got bronchitis.

00:29:54Guest 1:See, babies are bad for you.

00:29:57Guest 1:Stop it.

00:29:58Guest 1:I'm sorry.

00:29:58Guest 1:Anyway, I ended up having a cesarean.

00:30:01Guest 1:You did?

00:30:02Guest 1:Yeah.

00:30:02Marc:You gave up?

00:30:04Guest 1:Oh, yeah, Mark.

00:30:05Guest 1:You know, I gave up.

00:30:09Guest 1:Women think that's really great.

00:30:11Guest 1:I'm going to hit you now.

00:30:12Guest 1:Get it out of me.

00:30:13Guest 1:It hurts too much.

00:30:15Guest 1:That's how I had the baby.

00:30:16Guest 1:Anyway, I... Nice.

00:30:19Guest 1:Oh, please.

00:30:20Guest 1:Never play this back for my child.

00:30:22Guest 1:Anyway, I...

00:30:24Guest 1:I'm so awful.

00:30:26Marc:I was a cesarean, by the way.

00:30:27Guest 1:You were?

00:30:27Guest 1:Yes.

00:30:27Guest 1:Well, that's really one vote for natural childbirth.

00:30:31Guest 1:Anyway, because your mother probably didn't want to squish your face or anything.

00:30:34Marc:No, I don't think she wanted to hurt her figure.

00:30:37Guest 1:Oh, really?

00:30:37Guest 1:Well, you know what?

00:30:39Guest 1:The weight gain is kind of the figure hurting.

00:30:42Guest 1:But anyway, I said to Akasaki, he was so afraid of me because I was so angry.

00:30:46Guest 1:And he's like, you know, breastfeeding is really good for the baby.

00:30:49Guest 1:And I'm like, I'm not doing that.

00:30:51Guest 1:It's disgusting.

00:30:52Guest 1:It's disgusting.

00:30:52Guest 1:And of course, the minute the baby was born and I was literally, I looked at the baby and I'm like, oh my God, does she have eyelashes?

00:30:57Guest 1:Could I have some Haagen-Dazs?

00:30:58Guest 1:That's what I said when I saw the baby.

00:31:00Guest 1:Okay.

00:31:00Guest 1:So after I'd been resugared and I felt better, of course I breastfed and it's the most painful thing.

00:31:06Guest 1:That's what the epidural is for.

00:31:07Marc:Yeah.

00:31:08Guest 1:It's unbelievably painful.

00:31:10Guest 1:Everyone says how natural it is.

00:31:11Guest 1:No.

00:31:12Marc:But it's good though, right?

00:31:14Guest 1:It's the most beautiful thing in the world and it's totally bonding and I'm- Does it still hurt?

00:31:18Guest 1:Only when she, today she headbutted me and bit me.

00:31:21Guest 1:I was like, oh, are we watching little baby wrestling movies?

00:31:24Guest 1:Why are we doing that?

00:31:25Guest 1:And yeah, does it hurt?

00:31:26Guest 1:It's ridiculously painful, but they put so much pressure on you at the hospital.

00:31:30Guest 1:They literally say to you, when they ask you if you're going to breastfeed, they say it like this.

00:31:35Guest 1:Do you love your baby?

00:31:37Guest 1:I'm like, oh.

00:31:39Marc:You know what's so sick about my head is that like, I guess maybe it's because I'm narcissistic or what, but I'm just trying to picture what it would feel like to breastfeed.

00:31:47Marc:And it's not even a possibility.

00:31:48Marc:I'm a man, but I'm like trying to say like, well, if she says it hurts, I'm sitting here trying in my head like, what if I had to breastfeed?

00:31:54Guest 1:But you don't know that they have invisible shark teeth, rows and rows of them.

00:31:57Guest 1:It's a really, you think it's so natural, but it's the most rewarding thing and you have to do it for your baby.

00:32:02Marc:So let's talk about- I'm a lactivist now.

00:32:05Marc:Do you do it in public?

00:32:07Marc:Never.

00:32:08Marc:See, I couldn't see you doing it.

00:32:09Guest 1:Because I don't leave the house.

00:32:10Guest 1:But no.

00:32:11Guest 1:Have I ever done it in public?

00:32:12Guest 1:You know what?

00:32:12Guest 1:I'll go into a dressing room and a clothing store.

00:32:14Guest 1:I don't think you have to shove it in anybody's face.

00:32:16Marc:You're not one of those people at parties who's like, excuse me, and then just throws the blanket over and still has a conversation with somebody?

00:32:22Guest 1:Only if someone is wearing a poncho, playing guitar, and singing kumbaya would I feel in any way comfortable doing any of those things.

00:32:29Guest 1:Never, ever, ever.

00:32:30Marc:And you're not married, and that's good?

00:32:34No.

00:32:36Guest 1:Let's just leave it at that.

00:32:37Guest 1:Okay.

00:32:38Guest 1:I think that's a summation.

00:32:40Guest 1:I agree.

00:32:41Guest 1:And you're not married.

00:32:42Guest 1:Is that good?

00:32:42Guest 1:Oh, I'm sorry.

00:32:43Guest 1:I tried twice.

00:32:44Guest 1:I know.

00:32:44Guest 1:I'm sorry.

00:32:45Guest 1:That was terrible.

00:32:46Guest 1:Yeah.

00:32:47Guest 1:And your first wife shared a birthday with me.

00:32:49Marc:Oh, really?

00:32:50Marc:Yes.

00:32:51Guest 1:Why do I remember that and you don't?

00:32:52Guest 1:How into astrology do I have to be?

00:32:54Marc:She's a therapist now.

00:32:56Marc:See what I did?

00:32:57Guest 1:Wow.

00:32:58Guest 1:See what I did?

00:32:59Guest 1:That is narcissism.

00:33:01Guest 1:I divorced someone.

00:33:01Guest 1:See what I did?

00:33:02Guest 1:Years later, even though she wasn't near me, she became a therapist.

00:33:05Guest 1:No, her dad was a therapist.

00:33:06Guest 1:He was?

00:33:07Marc:Yeah, so she's carrying on this family tradition.

00:33:10Marc:And why don't you have babies?

00:33:13Hmm.

00:33:13Marc:You know, I don't crave them.

00:33:16Marc:And I don't I mean, I probably could have had one with my first wife and there was no way that my second wife was going to have my baby.

00:33:22Marc:She actually said that to me.

00:33:24Marc:That was one of the most painful, horrible moments in our marriage.

00:33:27Marc:She's like, you think I'm going to bring babies into this?

00:33:30Marc:Oh, awful.

00:33:33Guest 1:What do you think about that?

00:33:34Guest 1:And really the peak of anger.

00:33:35Marc:I wanted to have a baby with her, though, because she was so genetically stable.

00:33:40Marc:Yeah.

00:33:40Marc:And I'm like, I can finally put an end to this ridiculous line of Marin insanity if only she'll have my baby.

00:33:47Guest 1:Right, because you know what?

00:33:48Guest 1:There's no contribution from the male in terms of the DNA.

00:33:50Guest 1:So why doesn't she just clone herself?

00:33:52Guest 1:Well, I can clean it up.

00:33:53Guest 1:Dummy, why do you think it was going to be, what, you're going to wash the sperm and take out the crazy?

00:33:57Guest 1:Well, I had a 50-50 chance.

00:33:59Marc:You know what I mean?

00:34:00Marc:At least I'd get some.

00:34:01Guest 1:No, you have got, in Mendel's Peds, you've got the giant crazies, the big two Cs.

00:34:05Guest 1:Really?

00:34:06Guest 1:Yeah, there's no little C in your country.

00:34:07Marc:You know how I want to have a baby?

00:34:09Marc:And this is kind of perverse, I guess, is that I wouldn't mind if a woman came up to me and said, you know, I have something important to tell you.

00:34:15Marc:Right.

00:34:15Marc:I had your child six years ago.

00:34:17Marc:And then I can just sort of step in and go, well, I'm sorry you went through that trouble, but I'd like to hang out with the baby now.

00:34:24Marc:Right.

00:34:25Guest 1:The fact that, you know, so many people, when they really talk about a dream that they want in life, they say, I wouldn't mind if...

00:34:30Guest 3:Yeah.

00:34:31Guest 1:That's an affirmation that's very powerful to use.

00:34:33Guest 1:I wouldn't mind if six years from now someone came up to me.

00:34:36Guest 1:And then they show you like a little baby and it's got a beard.

00:34:40Guest 1:Yeah, yeah.

00:34:40Guest 1:And glasses.

00:34:41Guest 1:It's like a total hipster.

00:34:42Guest 1:And you're like, oh, no.

00:34:43Guest 1:Yeah.

00:34:43Guest 1:My genes were not destroyed.

00:34:45Guest 1:You would love a baby.

00:34:46Guest 1:You know what?

00:34:47Marc:I can barely manage a cat.

00:34:50Marc:And I don't know.

00:34:51Marc:But think how much you love your cat.

00:34:53Marc:I do, but I'm not always great to the cat.

00:34:56Marc:I mean, I'm nice to it, but sometimes I have conversations where I'm like... You say bad things in front of it.

00:35:00Guest 1:It's okay.

00:35:00Marc:No, I literally say, that's how it's going to be?

00:35:04Marc:You're just going to sit over there?

00:35:05Marc:That's how we're going to do this?

00:35:06Guest 1:Oh, my God.

00:35:07Guest 1:Excuse me.

00:35:08Guest 1:You treat your cat like you treat your friends.

00:35:11Marc:Well, I mean, there are certain points where I think I understand the cat, and then he's acting like an idiot.

00:35:15Marc:So I'm like, well, that's fine.

00:35:17Marc:Don't sleep on the bed.

00:35:18Marc:Go sleep in the drawer if that's the way you're going to be today.

00:35:24Marc:So I don't think you're supposed to do that with a baby.

00:35:26Marc:You have to maintain a certain consistency.

00:35:28Guest 1:Drawer sleep is never recommended when they're very young or ever.

00:35:32Marc:Well, in the Depression, that's where a crib was.

00:35:34Guest 1:A crib was a drawer or a suitcase.

00:35:36Guest 1:I know.

00:35:36Guest 1:In Benjamin Button, that riveting film, that was the beginning.

00:35:40Marc:Yeah.

00:35:40Guest 1:The baby's asleep in there.

00:35:41Marc:So her name's Ava.

00:35:43Guest 1:Ava Ray Economopoulos.

00:35:45Guest 1:And I've already explained to her the Economopoulos is silent.

00:35:50Guest 1:You understand, nobody wants that as a last name.

00:35:52Guest 1:It's terrible.

00:35:53Marc:Has anyone of your friends other than me... Not seen the baby?

00:35:58Marc:Yeah.

00:36:00Guest 1:No, people are still active in my life and importance.

00:36:02Guest 1:They've all seen the baby within the first 30 days, Mark, which is appropriate.

00:36:07Guest 1:Why are you going to bring up something we're having a little anger over?

00:36:10Guest 1:Are you dating any of your stalkers these days?

00:36:14Marc:No.

00:36:15Marc:I guess I am, actually.

00:36:16Marc:Yes.

00:36:18Guest 1:Gee, Mark.

00:36:18Guest 1:How is it that women come up?

00:36:20Guest 1:How does a woman find a place in your heart?

00:36:23Marc:It's so much easier.

00:36:23Guest 1:They just come up and go, I like you, and you go, fine.

00:36:25Marc:Yes.

00:36:26Marc:Is there something wrong with that?

00:36:28Marc:Is there another way that I'm missing?

00:36:30Marc:How much work has to be?

00:36:32Guest 1:How young are they, the girls that are attracted to you now?

00:36:35Marc:Well, I went through a little period where there were some early 20s going on, which was- Oh, my God.

00:36:40Marc:I had to go through that.

00:36:42Marc:What?

00:36:43Guest 1:Why?

00:36:44Guest 1:When?

00:36:44Marc:What do you mean, why?

00:36:45Marc:Did they speak English?

00:36:46Marc:How?

00:36:47Marc:Is there a mystery?

00:36:48Marc:Yeah, of course they spoke English.

00:36:49Marc:They had some things to resolve around their father issues and their crushes on professors.

00:36:56Guest 1:You do sort of feel that, except that you smell nice.

00:36:58Guest 1:Yeah.

00:36:59Marc:Right.

00:36:59Guest 1:Yeah.

00:36:59Guest 1:And you're much more bathed.

00:37:01Marc:Yeah.

00:37:01Marc:And I think that I helped them through that.

00:37:02Guest 1:I had a little playing with the professor.

00:37:04Marc:You did?

00:37:04Marc:Yeah, I did.

00:37:05Marc:How old were you?

00:37:06Guest 1:You know, it was very annoying.

00:37:07Guest 1:I still did not do that well in the class.

00:37:08Guest 1:It really hurt my self-esteem.

00:37:10Guest 1:I was like, seriously?

00:37:11Guest 1:I mean, come on.

00:37:13Marc:That's hysterical.

00:37:14Marc:I just heard somebody talk about that.

00:37:16Guest 1:Really?

00:37:16Guest 1:Yeah, I had a little.

00:37:17Guest 1:I can't remember if it was a comedian.

00:37:19Guest 1:No, I went back.

00:37:19Guest 1:I was 22.

00:37:20Guest 1:And he was...

00:37:21Guest 1:He wasn't married.

00:37:24Guest 1:I wasn't married, but he was still my professor.

00:37:26Marc:I can't remember who was talking about it.

00:37:27Marc:It must have been a comedian who said that when he was in college, he had talked a girlfriend into sleeping with a professor of his so he could get a better grade.

00:37:34Guest 1:Oh, my God.

00:37:34Guest 1:That's hilarious.

00:37:35Marc:And she did it, but she forgot to mention that.

00:37:38Guest 1:Oh.

00:37:38Guest 1:Oh, she forgot to mention it.

00:37:40Guest 1:She just remembered the sleep with the professor part.

00:37:41Guest 1:Right.

00:37:42Guest 1:That is so funny.

00:37:43Marc:And now I've got to figure out who it is, who said that.

00:37:46Guest 1:Maybe it was, who's our mutual friend, Tom Agnew.

00:37:49Marc:Tom Agna.

00:37:50Guest 1:Agna.

00:37:51Marc:He was the guy that told me about the colonic.

00:37:53Guest 1:Have you ever had a colonic?

00:37:54Marc:I have.

00:37:55Guest 1:Oh.

00:37:55Marc:Haven't you?

00:37:56Guest 1:First of all, it's like, yes, of course I have.

00:37:58Guest 1:It's that I'm way too waspy.

00:37:59Guest 1:Nothing happened.

00:38:00Guest 1:Are you kidding?

00:38:01Guest 1:My bowels are waspy Canadians.

00:38:03Guest 1:They're like, I'm sorry, nothing could happen.

00:38:05Guest 1:But about 40 minutes later, I thought I was going to die.

00:38:07Guest 1:But I was alone then, at least.

00:38:08Guest 1:I wasn't like, when they're narrating, now we're going to see some food that you ate.

00:38:12Guest 1:Oh, no, I didn't get narration.

00:38:15Guest 1:Somebody had wheat.

00:38:16Guest 1:You're like, oh, now off.

00:38:19Guest 1:I don't need that.

00:38:21Guest 1:Mark is squeamish.

00:38:22Guest 1:Mark, you can say anything.

00:38:23Guest 1:We've had an area you're grossed out by.

00:38:25Marc:I'm grossed out when people talk about organs.

00:38:27Marc:I already discussed my colonic on another show.

00:38:29Marc:It was not something I did twice.

00:38:32Marc:I actually canceled the second appointment because it was too awkward.

00:38:35Guest 1:No, I cannot imagine that it's good for you or people would be sitting on fire hoses all across the country.

00:38:42Marc:My dad said it's not.

00:38:43Guest 1:It's not.

00:38:44Guest 1:It's not natural.

00:38:45Marc:No, it gets rid of all kinds of stuff that you need.

00:38:48Guest 1:Yeah, like your liver and other organs, little ones that go out.

00:38:51Marc:Organ talk bothers me.

00:38:53Guest 1:Okay.

00:38:53Guest 1:Isn't that funny?

00:38:53Guest 1:Is that because both of our fathers are doctors?

00:38:56Marc:Yeah.

00:38:57Marc:He's still a doctor.

00:38:58Marc:But it's just the idea, if I really think about what they do and how essential they are and that they could go bad, I'd have a problem.

00:39:05Guest 1:Are you talking about doctors or organs?

00:39:07Marc:Parents.

00:39:08Guest 1:Okay.

00:39:08Guest 1:I thought that was it.

00:39:09Guest 1:Parents.

00:39:10Guest 1:They're so essential what they do.

00:39:11Guest 1:It's important that you have them and they could go bad.

00:39:13Marc:Yeah.

00:39:14Marc:Mine went bad very early on.

00:39:15Marc:They did.

00:39:17Guest 1:Mine are good.

00:39:18Guest 1:I really like mine.

00:39:19Marc:So your comedy's good?

00:39:21Guest 1:I really it's slowly coming back to me.

00:39:23Guest 1:Having a baby is like having amnesia.

00:39:25Guest 1:It slowly comes back.

00:39:26Guest 1:So my brain is, you know, I was on a series called Sorted Lives.

00:39:30Guest 3:Yeah.

00:39:31Guest 1:Again, you never saw.

00:39:31Guest 1:It was right beside my baby.

00:39:34Guest 1:And it's like it's a Desperate Housewives in a Texas trailer.

00:39:39Marc:Was it even on television, though?

00:39:40Guest 1:Thank you.

00:39:41Guest 1:I'm sorry.

00:39:42Guest 1:It's a podcast on ABC, NBC.

00:39:45Guest 1:Which one are we on?

00:39:46Guest 1:Someone on a podcast is making fun of my show.

00:39:48Guest 1:It was on Logo.

00:39:49Marc:Yeah, turn on your computer and go to iTunes, which is bigger than Logo.

00:39:52Marc:Anyways, go ahead.

00:39:53Guest 1:See the bitterness?

00:39:54Guest 1:It's still there.

00:39:55Guest 1:How much shit can I take?

00:39:57Guest 1:Seriously.

00:39:57Guest 1:I know.

00:39:57Guest 1:He's trying to be nice to me.

00:39:58Guest 1:Believe me.

00:39:59Guest 1:If we were not being recorded, he would be even... I've been so nice to you.

00:40:01Guest 1:I know.

00:40:02Guest 1:You've never been this nice to me in 20 years.

00:40:04Marc:See, if I came to see your baby any sooner, it would have been horrible.

00:40:07Guest 1:No, it wouldn't have been horrible.

00:40:08Guest 1:I just clearly, the next time we ever go out, we need two microphones and you have to be recording so that you feel compelled to be nice to me.

00:40:16Guest 1:No, you know who was in it?

00:40:18Guest 1:Who?

00:40:19Guest 1:Olivia Newton-John.

00:40:20Marc:Oh, she's good.

00:40:21Marc:Yeah.

00:40:21Marc:She saw me do comedy once.

00:40:22Guest 1:She did?

00:40:23Marc:Yeah.

00:40:23Guest 1:Mac, you're really good.

00:40:25Marc:Yeah, I wanted to have sex with her, but I wanted to have sex with her like the version of it.

00:40:28Guest 1:When she was Sandy.

00:40:29Marc:Yeah.

00:40:30Guest 1:Literally?

00:40:30Marc:But you know what?

00:40:30Marc:I still did.

00:40:31Guest 1:You did?

00:40:32Guest 1:You did?

00:40:32Marc:Yeah, she came with her daughter and I thought that would be inappropriate.

00:40:35Marc:Well, not to have sex with both her and her daughter, but to actually come on to her.

00:40:40Guest 1:Have you ever done that?

00:40:41Guest 1:No.

00:40:42Guest 1:Had sex with a mother and a daughter?

00:40:44Marc:No.

00:40:45Marc:I don't.

00:40:45Marc:Hold on.

00:40:47Guest 1:Oh, gee.

00:40:48Marc:Stop it.

00:40:49Marc:I'm kidding.

00:40:49Guest 1:I'm kidding.

00:40:49Guest 1:He has to go to a file.

00:40:51Guest 1:I'm kidding.

00:40:51Guest 1:What's the most people who have been in a room when you've been having sex?

00:40:54Marc:No, I never did that kind of thing.

00:40:55Marc:I'm not perverse.

00:40:56Marc:It's not even perverse.

00:40:57Marc:I mean, it seems like a lot of responsibility.

00:41:00Marc:Yeah.

00:41:00Marc:one is enough you know two two women there i mean i even i don't know i i've done i did in college a couple of times two women didn't work out it was when i was younger because one of them freaked out and you know started crying left the room and i had to have sex with the other one while the other one was packing her luggage because she had a breakdown of some kind and then uh that is like the most mark marron that is so what was one one was crying one was packing that's hilarious

00:41:27Marc:Yeah, but it had nothing to do with me.

00:41:29Guest 1:Really?

00:41:30Marc:What happened was I was being used by one to get so because she wanted to sleep with her friend.

00:41:36Marc:Right.

00:41:36Marc:But the friend didn't really realize this until we were all in the bedroom together.

00:41:40Marc:And then she freaked out after I had sex with her and her friend was sort of there.

00:41:44Marc:Like literally it became this weird thing.

00:41:45Marc:We all started together.

00:41:46Marc:Right.

00:41:46Guest 1:I know.

00:41:47Guest 1:And then one person is going to feel left out.

00:41:49Guest 1:Right.

00:41:49Guest 1:In the Venn diagram, you're like, hi, my hands are free all by myself.

00:41:52Marc:Well, here's what happened.

00:41:53Guest 1:Lonely.

00:41:53Marc:We were all started together.

00:41:54Marc:And then one goes to make a phone call.

00:41:57Marc:No.

00:41:58Marc:Yeah.

00:41:58Marc:And so I'm left with one of them who, you know, who was the one who the other one wanted to sweep with.

00:42:04Marc:So I have sex with her.

00:42:05Marc:And then the other one comes back in.

00:42:07Marc:And then the one I had sex with sort of freaked out.

00:42:09Marc:And she's like, I can't handle this.

00:42:11Marc:So she starts to pack something and we're in her father's bedroom, which is already weird because the father's not home.

00:42:18Marc:And I and then I have sex with the other one, which is no small feat, even at any age.

00:42:24Marc:And then it was just awkward and they ended up arguing and I ended up leaving.

00:42:28Marc:Hot, really hot.

00:42:32Marc:I think I'd approach it differently now.

00:42:37Guest 1:Good sex always ends in an argument.

00:42:40Marc:Oh, yeah.

00:42:41Marc:I think it starts with an argument.

00:42:42Guest 1:Okay, who was the first girl?

00:42:43Guest 1:I'm not talking about like age 11, 12, whatever.

00:42:46Guest 1:Who was the first girl who broke your heart?

00:42:49Marc:Her name was Mary Christofferson.

00:42:51Guest 1:Was she Chris's daughter?

00:42:53Marc:I wish.

00:42:54Marc:All I remember is she had a gap in her tooth.

00:42:56Marc:And I was in second grade and she wasn't Jewish and that's always an issue.

00:43:03Guest 1:She had Christ in her last name.

00:43:04Guest 1:There was a bit of a tip off.

00:43:06Marc:And she didn't like ice cream.

00:43:08Guest 1:Clearly not Jewish.

00:43:09Marc:That I remember.

00:43:09Marc:The first one that really broke my heart.

00:43:11Guest 1:Well, what happened?

00:43:12Guest 1:Why didn't she like you?

00:43:13Marc:Who the hell knows?

00:43:14Marc:I was in second grade.

00:43:15Guest 1:Did you have your beard then?

00:43:16Marc:No, but I'm sure I had no boundaries and was trying to do things I didn't even understand.

00:43:23Marc:Here's a pathetic story.

00:43:24Marc:When I was in seventh grade, I had this crush on this 10th grader named Jessica.

00:43:28Marc:Jessica Jameson.

00:43:29Marc:I thought she was spectacular.

00:43:31Guest 1:Jenna.

00:43:31Guest 1:Did she change her name to Jenna later in life?

00:43:33Marc:No, no, no.

00:43:34Marc:But I wrote a song about her, okay?

00:43:36Marc:And she was going out with this other guy, this guy Ted, who was also in 10th grade.

00:43:40Marc:And me and my band of seventh or eighth graders, we played the song for her.

00:43:45Marc:Oh.

00:43:46Marc:In front of everybody.

00:43:47Marc:And everybody knew who it was.

00:43:49Marc:And after we got done singing it, she gave me a big hug and a kiss.

00:43:53Marc:And that was enough for me.

00:43:55Marc:And then Ted slugged me in the stomach.

00:43:57Guest 1:No!

00:43:57Marc:Yes.

00:43:58Guest 1:Are you serious?

00:43:59Marc:Yeah.

00:44:00Marc:He slugged a little eighth grader in the stomach for having a crush on his girlfriend.

00:44:03Guest 1:He's probably selling Amway now very unsuccessfully somewhere in the Midwest.

00:44:06Marc:I don't know.

00:44:06Marc:I think I'll Facebook him.

00:44:07Guest 1:That is real.

00:44:08Marc:Hey, Ted, fuck you.

00:44:09Marc:Do you remember the song?

00:44:12Marc:It's horrible.

00:44:13Guest 1:No, come on.

00:44:13Guest 1:You've got to remember the lyrics.

00:44:15Guest 1:Come on.

00:44:15Marc:I think it was, Jessica, you're beautiful.

00:44:19Marc:Your eyes are crystal blue or something.

00:44:21Marc:Jessica, I love you.

00:44:22Marc:You know I really do.

00:44:24Guest 1:Jessica, I love you.

00:44:24Guest 1:And I'm a short, soon-to-be bearded Jew.

00:44:27Guest 1:No?

00:44:28Guest 1:Yeah, that should have been.

00:44:29Guest 1:Because that was rhyming.

00:44:30Marc:I'm literally feeling more vulnerable now than I really need to.

00:44:33Guest 1:And I had to make fun of it.

00:44:35Marc:That's okay.

00:44:36Guest 1:That's very sweet.

00:44:37Marc:Yeah, and I didn't have sex successfully.

00:44:41Marc:Until you were 30?

00:44:44Marc:I didn't master it until I was in college and I went out with a woman who couldn't have an orgasm, but forced me to continue to have sex with her.

00:44:51Marc:I had to learn how to have sex because she would not tolerate me having- Was she an angry professor?

00:44:58Guest 1:No.

00:44:58Marc:She was angry, but I've talked to her since.

00:45:01Marc:She has since learned how to do it.

00:45:02Guest 1:So if you look back on all the women that you've slept with, which is, boy, the show is only 17 hours long.

00:45:08Guest 1:All right.

00:45:09Guest 1:What are the top three traits that you keep finding in women?

00:45:13Marc:A little bit of anger towards me.

00:45:19Guest 1:Like a little bit of disdain for you?

00:45:22Marc:No, no.

00:45:23Marc:Like underneath there's like, you know, they're always sort of like, you know, really nice up front.

00:45:27Marc:But underneath it's like, what's the matter?

00:45:30Marc:You know, like there's something like that.

00:45:32Guest 1:Is it anger towards you or anger towards men?

00:45:34Marc:I think it's anger towards men.

00:45:35Marc:Okay.

00:45:36Marc:And also the ones that I'm really compelled towards are the ones that argue with me.

00:45:41Guest 1:Really?

00:45:42Marc:Yes.

00:45:44Guest 1:That's unfortunate.

00:45:44Guest 1:You know what?

00:45:44Guest 1:I do think that knowing you for as long as I have, you need conflict to exist.

00:45:50Guest 1:You are not somebody who win it all.

00:45:52Marc:No, I don't.

00:45:54Marc:I do not.

00:45:54Marc:Caroline, it's so lovely to see you and I can't wait to see your baby again.

00:45:58Guest 1:Mark, it was really great.

00:46:02Marc:Sweet.

00:46:04Marc:Now we're back to where we belong.

00:46:06Marc:I love you.

00:46:07Guest 1:Love you too.

00:46:08Guest 1:Bye.

00:46:11Okay.

00:46:18Guest 2:Well, Caroline really seems to know you, Mark.

00:46:25Guest 2:We've been friends a long time.

00:46:26Guest 2:She's got all this great insight into you, and she still likes being with you, apparently.

00:46:31Guest 2:That bodes well for us.

00:46:33Marc:I guess, except that, you know, she was actually, we talked, her and I, and she's also a woman, and a lot of times you don't really... I'm sorry I can't be a woman.

00:46:45Marc:Oh, God.

00:46:46Marc:Why are we here already?

00:46:47Marc:This is a few with Matthew, clearly.

00:46:50Marc:I feel like now there's pressure because, you know, we've established this dynamic, and, you know, you were my friend, and now, like, you're the guy on the show, and now...

00:47:00Marc:No, I know, but it's like I don't want it to be forced.

00:47:02Marc:I don't want the dynamic to be forced.

00:47:03Marc:Like now we're playing these roles where you're Matthew and I'm Mark and we've got to do the Matthew and Mark thing.

00:47:08Guest 2:Yeah, that's sort of that Heisenberg uncertainty principle interpretation.

00:47:14Guest 2:That could happen, but you know what?

00:47:15Guest 2:I don't think we're going to have that problem because I am me.

00:47:16Marc:Back up.

00:47:17Marc:Back up.

00:47:17Marc:What the fuck is a Heisenberg?

00:47:20Guest 2:Brendan knows what I mean.

00:47:21Marc:Yeah, that was that blimp that went on fire and it crashed.

00:47:24Guest 2:Oh, the humanity.

00:47:26Marc:No, it wasn't.

00:47:27Marc:What are you talking about?

00:47:28Marc:The Heisenberg infidelity principle?

00:47:30Guest 2:There's that popular way of interpreting that quantum physics principle.

00:47:33Marc:How popular is it?

00:47:34Marc:A popular way of interpreting it?

00:47:36Guest 2:Because it's not strictly true.

00:47:37Guest 2:Apparently, the math doesn't bear that out.

00:47:38Guest 2:But the way people understand it is something that is observed is changed by being observed.

00:47:43Guest 2:Once you see something, it's not the way it was before you saw it.

00:47:47Guest 2:It's like your mind makes the world.

00:47:49Guest 2:Do we want to go Hindu on this or do we want to stay quantum?

00:47:52Marc:I just find that, like for me, I'm a smart guy.

00:47:57Marc:And, you know, if you can just explain it to me, like people who talk to people and not people who are trying to prove something to people, I would be a lot happier.

00:48:04Guest 2:You never heard what long in the tooth meant before?

00:48:07Marc:I had to look it up.

00:48:09Marc:I didn't know if it meant that she was disfigured or whether, you know, it turns out that means she's getting old.

00:48:15Guest 2:Right.

00:48:16Guest 2:I knew that.

00:48:16Marc:I know, but all these things are very cute.

00:48:18Marc:You know, it's a cute saying along in the tooth.

00:48:20Marc:It's a cute saying.

00:48:21Guest 2:She's being bashful about saying I'm a model who's getting old.

00:48:24Guest 2:So I thought that was endearing.

00:48:26Marc:But the Heisenberg principle.

00:48:27Guest 2:Yeah, that means, you know, now that you've heard some good things about us, you know, I was trying to tell you that we had a good thing here.

00:48:34Guest 2:Now you hear some feedback that confirms that we have a good thing going here.

00:48:38Guest 2:Yeah.

00:48:38Guest 2:And you're worried like, oh, my God, we're going to be self-conscious about it now that we know what are we going to do?

00:48:42Guest 2:We're going to make it fake.

00:48:43Marc:I would be self-conscious if I was dropping things like the Heisenberg structure.

00:48:47Guest 2:Well, that would make sense because that's the Heisenberg uncertainty principle.

00:48:51Guest 2:You really never heard that?

00:48:52Guest 2:I'm not trying to be all whatever.

00:48:53Marc:Well, no, I can pretend like I heard it, but does it play a part?

00:48:56Guest 2:And I can pretend like I'm on equal footing with you.

00:49:00Marc:You are on an equal footing with me.

00:49:02Marc:You seem to not have arcs over the point where you realize, maybe I don't have to talk all this bullshit all the time.

00:49:10Guest 2:Wait, I talk bullshit?

00:49:14Guest 2:Am I not making sense to you?

00:49:15Marc:You couldn't explain to me what the Heisenberg infidelity principle means without saying the Heisenberg uncertainty principle?

00:49:25Guest 2:Yeah.

00:49:26Guest 2:Look, I'm not a quantum physicist.

00:49:27Marc:I read Lehman's books on the subject.

00:49:29Marc:All right, let's put it this way.

00:49:30Marc:If you were a woman...

00:49:32Guest 2:Again, with me becoming a woman.

00:49:34Guest 2:Right.

00:49:34Marc:I would have this conversation with you.

00:49:36Marc:I would say, what does that mean?

00:49:37Marc:Why couldn't you just say that?

00:49:38Marc:Don't you have that?

00:49:39Marc:You were telling me about a woman you were going out with who is constantly trying to bleh, bleh, bleh you.

00:49:44Guest 2:Yeah.

00:49:45Guest 2:Well, I don't think she means to bleh, bleh, bleh me.

00:49:47Guest 2:I think she's just saying things that are coming to her mind.

00:49:49Guest 2:And it's kind of cute and endearing, but they're often embarrassing.

00:49:52Marc:Exactly what happened just now with me.

00:49:54Marc:Did I say something that was embarrassing to you?

00:49:56Marc:Well, if I was sitting with mixed company who didn't know what the Heisenberg infidelity principle is, I would say like, I'm sorry, my friend Matthew is trying very hard to impress everybody.

00:50:07Marc:Maybe someone should Google it.

00:50:10Guest 2:Am I impressive?

00:50:11Marc:I'm saying that sometimes people, like, you'd be impressive, like, if this were a first date, I'd be like, wow, that woman's really smart.

00:50:18Marc:And I'd go Google some shit, and then the second date, I'm like, ah, shit, she's doing it again.

00:50:22Guest 2:Yeah, the seams are showing.

00:50:24Guest 2:But this is just me, Mark.

00:50:25Guest 2:This is really me.

00:50:26Guest 2:I'm not putting on airs.

00:50:28Marc:How would you react to that if a woman did that to you?

00:50:32Guest 2:How do you react to women?

00:50:33Guest 2:I would want a second date.

00:50:34Guest 2:And then what happens?

00:50:36Guest 2:And then what happens after the second date?

00:50:38Marc:You would look for a way to figure out how to play her game so you could win.

00:50:42Marc:Say more about that?

00:50:43Marc:I mean, if someone's like a smarty pants like you and has to have the last word all the time, like you.

00:50:48Guest 2:No, I don't.

00:50:51Guest 2:I'm sorry, you did that joke earlier.

00:50:52Marc:Like you?

00:50:53Marc:You just have to have the last word all the time?

00:50:55Guest 2:No, I don't.

00:50:57Marc:Listen to me.

00:50:59Marc:If you're going out with a woman who's like that, where does that go?

00:51:05Marc:What is it really based on?

00:51:05Marc:Because we're talking about intimacy, right?

00:51:08Marc:So you're just based on this sort of petty, like, oh, she's trying to outsmart me.

00:51:11Marc:And I'm at an age now, really, I'll tell you, where I find it, it's cute, but I'm tired.

00:51:17Marc:And you should just say what you mean.

00:51:19Guest 2:But that is what I mean.

00:51:20Guest 2:What I'm trying to say in fewer words was the fact that we know something, the fact that we see it is now changing what it is that we see.

00:51:28Guest 2:That is what that principle is popularly interpreted to mean.

00:51:34Marc:Well, I don't feel that it changed at all, given what we just talked about.

00:51:38Marc:And Heisenberg can go fuck himself.

00:51:41Marc:How's that for a last word?

00:51:46Marc:blow me

00:51:52Marc:Thank you for joining us.

00:51:53Marc:I want to thank Caroline Ray for coming and sharing the Caroline Ray-ness, the Caroline Ray of sunshine.

00:52:00Marc:Thanks to my friend Matthew, who people seem to have taken a shine to.

00:52:07Marc:I want to thank the folks at Punchline Magazine, punchlinemag.com.

00:52:10Marc:And again, if you need my CDs, they are available on iTunes.

00:52:15Marc:Thanks for listening.

00:52:21you