Episode 77 - Moshe Kasher / Laura Kightlinger / Brendon Walsh / Jim / Eddie
Guest:Lock the gates!
Guest:Are we doing this?
Guest:Really?
Guest:Wait for it.
Guest:Are we doing this?
Guest:Wait for it.
Guest:Pow!
Guest:What the fuck?
Guest:And it's also... Eh, what the fuck?
Guest:What's wrong with me?
Guest:It's time for WTF!
Guest:What the fuck?
Guest:With Mark Maron.
What the fuck?
Guest:All right, let's do this.
Guest:What the fuckers, what the fuck buddies, what the fuckineers, what the fuck nicks.
Guest:Welcome to the UCB Theater in Los Angeles for live what the fuck.
Marc:You know, I'm a little edgy, I'm a little tired, and I want you to know what's going on with me.
Marc:This is Victor, my mailman, by the way.
Marc:This is Victor Seat.
Marc:What's that?
Guest:I'm not your mailman.
Marc:I'm sorry.
Marc:I forgot there's a hierarchy.
Marc:Victor works at the post office.
Guest:I spend time talking to you in the window.
Marc:I remember who you are.
Marc:I was there yesterday.
Guest:Customers pissed off because we're talking.
Marc:You think you get them pissed off?
Marc:It's not the fact that I bring in 900 t-shirts to mail internationally.
Marc:You think that it's you talking to me?
Marc:Like, sometimes when you start talking to me, and I've got a stack of t-shirts to mail to Indonesia, I have a lot of fans, a lot of motherfuckers in Indonesia.
Marc:I don't know why.
Marc:But you think that somehow it's you.
Marc:Because I always wonder about that.
Marc:Like, I've just gotten done spending 45 minutes at your window mailing t-shirts around the planet, and then you're like, this neighborhood's growing.
Marc:And I'm like, are we doing that now?
Guest:Yeah, but you're bringing in revenue.
Guest:The other 28 guys just want one stamp.
Guest:Can I have one stamp?
Yeah.
Marc:So you're saying they deserve to fucking wait?
Marc:You're going to punish the one stampers?
Marc:Come on, one stamp.
Marc:All right.
Marc:Now I know who you are inside, Victor.
Marc:And I like it.
Marc:So I'm starting to realize that, you know, as the podcast is getting popular and people like it, and I'm very happy about that, but there's part of me that's thinking, I'm going to fuck this up.
Marc:And it's a very strong part of me.
Marc:I don't know if you can relate to that, but literally, I'm just like, I'm gonna fuck it up.
Marc:But sadly, there's another voice inside of me that's saying, let's fuck it up.
Marc:Come on, dude.
Marc:And so now I have to go, shut the fuck up.
Marc:And then he goes, that's the attitude.
Marc:See, I bring a little of that to the interviews.
Marc:Fuck it.
Marc:Don't you want to be free, man?
Marc:Just shut up.
Marc:I'm doing this.
Marc:Good.
Marc:So that's going on.
Marc:What else?
Marc:Okay.
Marc:The boots are fine.
Marc:That issue has been resolved thanks to a connection I have at Red Wing.
Marc:I got a guy at Red Wing when I was uncomfortable with my boots because they were too fucking big, which was really my fault.
Marc:And he heard me talking about it on the last live podcast.
Marc:He terrorized, I think.
Marc:He called the Chinatown Red Wing store and told them to take my boots back after I'd worn them.
Marc:And I went back down to Chinatown to deal with the Korean Red Wing store.
Marc:And look, I gotta be honest with you.
Marc:I'm uncomfortable with Asians.
Marc:And I...
Marc:But it's not a racist thing.
Marc:They just intimidate me because I just don't know where, I don't know how to fucking, you know, I don't know what to say to them.
Marc:Is that weird?
Marc:Like, because, you know, I think, I don't know how to make them laugh.
Marc:I mean, I don't know what they like to laugh at.
Marc:And I don't know if I'm generalizing, but, like, I'm thinking kabuki, you know, I'm thinking puppets, and I don't do any of that.
Marc:See, now I think that was a little racist, was it not?
Marc:I'm sorry.
Marc:Are you Asian?
Marc:You.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:All right, well, what the fuck?
Guest:I'm just asking.
Guest:You look a little.
Guest:Is there a little?
Guest:What is it?
Marc:Really?
Marc:I think at a certain age, you might want to investigate that.
Marc:Am I wrong?
Marc:Thanks for coming, by the way.
Marc:I'm so good with the audience.
Marc:So out in the garage, there's a major ant problem.
Marc:I went out there the other night, and there was a parade.
Marc:I mean, like, it was thousands of ants, some of them with wings.
Marc:So I thought they're termites, and then I went into a panic at 11.30, and I realized that there was really no one you could call for emergency termite removal at 11.30 at night.
Marc:That's one of those things that can wait.
Marc:And then I was so freaking out that I saw my neighbor across the street, and I'm like, Terry, come here.
Marc:And Terry's like this Jehovah's Witness guy.
Marc:You know, he's a nice guy.
Marc:He's got a nice family, very pleasant, doesn't cuss.
Marc:And I actually, when I'm around him, I'm like, Terry, you've got to shake out these fucking, I'm sorry, these ants.
Marc:These ants.
Marc:and he comes over and we're in there and he's like oh man you got a real problem here i'm like i know but what are they are they ants are they termites he's like i don't know i'm like how why don't you know you're an older man you've lived in this neighborhood this is wisdom you should have
Marc:He's like, I don't know.
Marc:And then, like, he goes, I'll try to find out for you.
Marc:And then he comes back across the street.
Marc:He's on the phone with his son.
Marc:He's like, listen, my son's on the phone.
Marc:His best friend works for Terminix, and he says they're ants.
Marc:And he says, what you need to do is spray rubbing alcohol on them.
Marc:Right.
Marc:Secret wisdom.
Marc:So I'm like, okay, where do I get rubbing alcohol?
Marc:He's like, I've got some, because I use it in my windshield wiper thing.
Marc:Whatever.
Marc:So...
Marc:So I fill up these things with rubbing alcohol, and I start spraying these ants, and they just freeze and die almost immediately.
Marc:Thousands.
Marc:I killed thousands.
Marc:Are you giving me a sad face?
Marc:They're fucking ants.
Marc:Are you Tibetan?
Marc:But to be honest with you, I did feel bad.
Marc:Because do you ever have that moment where you look at ants, and you say, like, they're so organized.
Marc:Like, they've really got their shit together.
Marc:Who am I?
Marc:Why can't I live in peace with these ants?
Marc:Because clearly I'm not organized, and they are doing something important.
Marc:I got over that.
Marc:And then I called the guy to come fix them.
Marc:I had to find out whether they're termites or not, and I put them in a jar, and the exterminator comes over, and I'm like, I dumped the jar, and I'm like, what are those?
What are those?
Marc:And he's poking at him.
Marc:He goes, those are gnats.
Marc:And I'm like, is that good?
Marc:He's like, yeah, they're harmless.
Marc:And I'm like, excellent, so they're not termites.
Marc:So then he sprayed the entire house, and he left his clipboard at my house.
Marc:So I have... So theoretically, I could exterminate now.
Marc:Like, if I had the thing, I could show up and go, hey, I got a clipboard.
Marc:I'm here to spray the house.
Marc:One other thing, though.
Marc:We have a good show.
Marc:Moshe Kasher is here.
Marc:Laura Keitlinger is here.
Marc:Brendan Walsh is here.
Marc:Jim Earl is here.
Marc:Eddie Pepitone is here.
Marc:And they're all here.
Marc:It's very exciting.
Marc:I have not seen Laura in a long time, and that should be fun, because we kind of started together.
Marc:Oh, the other thing.
Marc:A fan sent me a cleaver.
Marc:Thank you.
Marc:because I had the coconut problem, so then I get this huge cleaver in the mail, and my housemate is looking at it, and she's like, what the fuck?
Marc:That's like a real cleaver.
Marc:The thing about cleavers is they're sort of menacing.
Marc:I mean, they're practical, but they're kind of asking to be used wrong.
Marc:Just by virtue of the way they look, it's almost like having a gun in a house.
Marc:That's going to lead to trouble.
Marc:How can you not pick up a cleaver in anger?
Marc:And we hammered it.
Marc:It's like on a hook right in plain view.
Marc:It's almost like an art piece.
Marc:This huge cleaver is just hanging in the kitchen.
Marc:And then I told her, I said, look, here's what you do.
Marc:Because it's in the kitchen here, and here's the door to the living room right here.
Marc:And I said, if anyone ever comes in, what you do is you go, don't hurt me.
Marc:And you kind of back into the kitchen and just reach.
Marc:for the fucking cleaver.
Marc:Right in the middle of the head.
Marc:So he does that thing where he goes, from several different, like many different angles, you know, and just like blood coming out.
Marc:Okay, here's what I learned about my anger, and then we'll bring out the first guest.
Marc:Oh, by the way, can I just say we have a celebrity in the house?
Marc:You know what this is?
Marc:The guy who designed this, Nathan Smith from Seattle, down in L.A., in the house tonight.
Marc:Give him a round of applause.
Marc:Fucking genius.
Marc:Right there, man.
Marc:Nathan Smith.
Marc:I realized something about my rage, folks, because I recently lost my shit on somebody because she was annoying me.
Okay.
Marc:She kept pushing my buttons, and I finally just fucking lost it.
Marc:And I have not experienced that kind of rage in a long time.
Marc:And I realized something about my rage.
Marc:As frightening as it is, I'm not a violent rage person.
Marc:Because I called my friend Dave, who's a fucking satanic little dwarf.
Marc:And I said to him, I said, I have a rage problem.
Marc:He's like, yeah, me too, dude.
Marc:And he told me about his rages, which get violent.
Marc:Mine never get violent.
Marc:I'm too sensitive and self-aware to even rage right.
Yeah.
Marc:Like, literally, I'm screaming, fuck you!
Marc:You have no respect for my boundaries!
Marc:You're obsessing about shit!
Marc:It's bull, fuck you!
Marc:And my friend Dave's laughing.
Marc:He's like, that is so not where I go.
Marc:And I'm like, where do you go?
Marc:He's like, I go to this.
Marc:Fuck you, I'm gonna kill you!
Marc:I'm gonna kill your fucking family!
Marc:And so I said, that's better.
Marc:That's better.
Marc:It's a little more impasse.
Marc:You hurt my feelings.
Marc:Fuck you.
Marc:Oh, fuck.
Marc:Emails.
Marc:God damn it, I'm rambling.
Marc:Emails.
Marc:Funny ones or one touching one?
Marc:One touching one and what?
Marc:Like two funny ones?
Marc:What do you want?
Marc:Okay, your podcast probably saved my marriage.
Marc:Hand to God.
Marc:The conversation you and Maria Bamford had about anger and the dynamics you described between yourselves and your respective significant others described what, to a bit of a lesser degree, but not much, was going on between my wife and I. I'm in recovery and I have that tendency to explode or to emo vomit, as my wife and I have termed it, because that's really what it's like.
Marc:Uncontrollable at times, like my eyes are corks and my emotions are building up trying to push them out of my head.
Marc:You have no respect for my boundaries!
Marc:It doesn't happen all the time because I've tried to control it, but that dynamic of the person being exploded on, slowly losing respect and love for the explodee, we were definitely heading down that road.
Marc:My wife's been asking me to get some help with it for a while, on and off, and I always thought my way around it.
Marc:But after hearing you two describe it, I realized she's been right and made an appointment with a therapist.
Marc:So thanks, man.
Marc:Rob.
Marc:Aww.
Marc:I know how that conversation went.
Marc:I'm fucking going.
Marc:All right?
Marc:I heard the fucking podcast.
Marc:Just shut the fuck up.
Marc:I'm gonna fucking deal with this, all right?
Marc:Stop crying.
Marc:I've had that one.
Marc:You still mad at me, dude?
Marc:I don't care what you are.
Marc:I love everybody.
Marc:My WTF and a thank you.
Marc:Hey, Mark.
Marc:Hey, Mark.
Marc:I don't want to say it like that.
Marc:Hey, Mark.
Marc:I want to tell you about my WTF day I'm having.
Marc:My manager is a bipolar compulsive liar.
Marc:Good start.
Marc:Good open.
Marc:The owner of the company is an obsessive compulsive narcissist.
Marc:My coworkers are fucking morons.
Marc:I feel like the only sane person left in this place.
Marc:I'm having one of those days that when you walk past one of the idiots you're forced to be civil to on a daily basis and they're just sitting there looking stupid, you just want to punch them in the side of their stupid head while you're walking past.
Marc:But I didn't do that because I can't afford the legal fees.
Marc:How exceedingly retarded can one person be?
Marc:I work with people who do not wash their hands after using the restroom and then walk straight to the fucking coffee pot and pick it up.
Marc:I can't even drink the free coffee here because these douchebags don't have the fucking decency to wash your hands after holding their dicks to pee.
Marc:The only way I had found to effectively deal with frustration is to go to my car, take a deep breath, and scream as long and loud as I can.
Marc:Usually makes me feel much better.
Marc:I had to quit that though because one day a customer was walking past my car and heard me scream and looked at me like I had six heads.
Marc:Now that I've found WTF, it distracts me from the idiocy surrounding me, and it also helps that I listen to the podcast with my headphones.
Marc:Everyone sees them in my ears and realizes I can't hear them, so they don't even bother me.
Marc:I've taken to wearing the headphones all the time now.
Marc:even when I'm not listening to anything.
Marc:And I have to tell you that the advice you've given others about realizing you're just a guy sitting in a chair, it really does help.
Marc:I'm alive and healthy.
Marc:I have a job and wonderful people in my life.
Marc:And as long as I think about that, I'm okay.
Marc:We're all okay, really, if we think about it the right way.
Marc:Thanks a lot for putting out such a great podcast.
Marc:I really appreciate the work you do.
Marc:Best of luck with everything, and thanks a fucking ton.
Marc:So this guy's got his shit together, except that he screams in his car alone.
Marc:and wears headphones even when there's nothing on.
Marc:I love my fans.
Marc:Oh, this was pretty good.
Marc:And then we'll get the show going.
Marc:A huge WTF moment.
Marc:Now, I think that if you picture this as a short film, as if I'm pitching you a short film, it would be enjoyable.
Marc:Hey there, people at the WTF podcast.
Marc:Me.
Marc:I want to start by saying my dad is an avid listener of your podcast, as well as I. I am a 16-year-old kid from southern Vermont.
Marc:And the other day, a couple of my friends and I were struck with one of the biggest WTF moments in our immediate history.
Marc:I know what he's trying to say.
Marc:It started with us getting out of school early and going to one of our friend's houses in preparation for some filming.
Marc:Everything was going as planned.
Marc:No WTF moments yet.
Marc:As we get there, three of us stormed this kid's house in search of food.
Marc:As we bust through the door, it was my first time in his house.
Marc:I looked around at this new place that I've never been before.
Marc:I glance at this giant beanie bag and say, oh, that's cool.
Marc:Then here comes the WTF moment.
Marc:I glance at his TV, nothing special, until I realize that sitting in front of his TV was a fucking rubber cock.
Marc:I say, what the fuck, pretty loudly.
Marc:And one of the kids I was with came in and looked at the dildo and yelled, what the fuck?
Marc:Finally, the kid whose house it was came in baffled by the loud what the fucks and stares at the fucking dildo.
Marc:He begins to yell, what the fuck?
Marc:And with that, a what the fuck bomb was set off.
Marc:There was a solid five to 10 minute period where all we could say was what the fuck?
Marc:Isn't that a great image, just, like, 16-year-olds, like, dancing around a dildo, going, what the fuck?
Marc:What the fuck?
Marc:Okay.
Marc:He had no idea whose it was or where it came from.
Marc:The mysterious dildo.
Marc:Where is the dildo from?
Marc:One of my friends proceeds to pick it up with two DVD cases...
Marc:and throw it on the bathroom floor.
Marc:Like it's a fucking animal.
Marc:Oh God, it's alive!
Marc:It's still alive!
Marc:She's been picking up with, don't touch it!
Marc:It's been in somebody's place.
Marc:Wait.
Marc:Throw it on the bathroom floor.
Marc:At this point, a couple more people showed up and had confused faces as to why we were all screaming, what the fuck?
Marc:Once they knew why, they as well were yelling, what the fuck?
Marc:Oh, my God.
Marc:Finally, the friend whose house it was picks it up with some toilet paper and threw it away.
Marc:All the while screaming, what the fuck?
Marc:As we were all reeling out of this shocking moment, my first impression of this house was set in stone.
Marc:What the fuck?
Marc:It's still a mystery to whose it was.
Marc:Sincerely, Wyatt.
Marc:So I wrote back.
Marc:Wyatt, sounds like someone was watching some porn and forgot to clean up after themselves or ran off in the middle.
Marc:I assume the culprit was that kid's mom or sister who had to then go fish their friend out of the garbage after you guys left.
Marc:Wyatt, it's just a toy that people stick inside themselves.
Marc:No biggie.
Marc:Good story, though.
Marc:Thanks for listening.
Marc:All right, let's get the show going.
Marc:My first guest, now I'm that guy, is a wonderful young comic.
Marc:Out there working the clubs.
Marc:You know how they do.
Marc:He's very funny, and I just worked with him up at the Purple Onion, and he just told me he got a book deal, which is very exciting.
Marc:Please welcome to the stage Moshe Kasher.
Thank you.
Marc:Hi.
Marc:How are you?
Marc:Hi, hi.
Marc:Hi, Moshe Kasher.
Marc:Hi, Mark Maron.
Marc:You're a snappy dresser.
Marc:That's true.
Marc:It's taken you a while to come upon this look.
Marc:I have to be honest with you, the first time we worked together, I think you opened for me in San Francisco, and you were dressing in a sort of hip-hop baggy pants.
Marc:You looked angry and lost.
Marc:And I thought to myself, how does a Jew get that angry and lost?
Marc:Jews only get that angry and lost.
Guest:But you chose a very unique route to go with it.
Guest:I think Jews have been pretending to be black since the dawn of time.
Marc:Really?
Marc:Since the dawn of time?
Marc:Do you think that Moses was like, what up, dog?
Guest:Well, I think that that's racist that you think black people talk like that.
Guest:I'm just kidding.
Guest:The Asian guy said that earlier.
Guest:That's true.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Oh, by the way, he didn't know that you meant... He thought you meant why do people think you're Asian, not what racial background are you.
Guest:Right?
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:See?
Marc:Oh, so I misunderstood something for a change, and it's racially toned like the last fucking live podcast where I thought Jamaica was Haiti.
Yeah.
Marc:I fully believe I'm not a racist person, but I just like acknowledging the stereotypical differences between us.
Guest:No, I think you're right.
Guest:You've got a kind of Asiatic, like... Asiatic?
Guest:Like a tundra thing.
Marc:Are you saying he looks like an Inuit?
Marc:Yeah, yeah.
Marc:Which I just learned was the right word for Eskimo.
Marc:Huh?
Marc:Snow Mexican?
Marc:See, you open the door and what walks in?
Marc:Ambiguous Asian featured guy decided it's okay for him to be racist because he's confusing.
Marc:Where are your dogs?
Marc:This is not the kind of show that I wanted to do, Moshe.
Marc:Sorry.
Marc:Let's focus.
Marc:I know Jews get fucked up and lost, but like, you know, okay, you're right.
Marc:I get it.
Marc:What is your background, though?
Marc:I'm African American.
Marc:Do you have Jewish parents?
Marc:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Marc:No, because Moshe Kasher is not a fucking around kind of Jewish name.
Marc:That's like, what can we do to this kid to make sure everyone knows he's a fucking Jew?
Guest:Yeah, I worked with Patrice O'Neill once a long time ago, and he came on stage, and he was like, damn, Moshe Kasher, your name might as well be Jewish Jewish, nigga.
Yeah.
Guest:And all I heard was him calling me nigga, and I felt like, yeah!
Guest:But if I said that, they would have been loaded.
Guest:It would be weird.
Guest:Or that's Snow Mexican over there.
Marc:Snow Mexican.
Marc:You don't think they have feelings up there on the tundra?
Marc:You think that's a, you get a pass on the Eskimos?
Marc:They're all numb?
Marc:They're all numb?
Guest:You gotta have this guy.
Marc:You appropriate people chuckling.
Guest:What the hell is this book about, dude?
Guest:You got a book deal?
Guest:Actually, yeah.
Guest:Strangely, it's about thinking I'm black.
Guest:Sort of.
Guest:In a sort of weird way.
Guest:It's about my childhood.
Guest:You really thought you were black?
Guest:Well, no.
Guest:I mean, I moved from New York to Oakland when I was nine months old.
Guest:My mom essentially kidnapped me and took us from New York to Oakland, where I was then one of the few sort of white children in the Oakland public school system.
Marc:She kidnapped you?
Marc:Was it like, we have to get you away from these Jews?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Well, she, yeah.
Guest:Oh, I was nine months old, so I don't remember a lot of the dialogue.
Marc:Why did the...
Guest:You can make it up for the book.
Marc:That's what people do.
Guest:When I was nine, I remember.
Guest:Right.
Guest:And I moved to Oakland.
Guest:And then it's a whole thing about, you know, as you know, I went to rehab and stuff when I was like 13 years old.
Guest:I've been locked up.
Guest:I mean, I got locked up a whole bunch when I was a kid.
Guest:Really?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I mean, don't I have that look about me?
Guest:No.
Guest:Who would have known that underneath that pinkish-striped dandy outfit is a criminal?
Guest:Well, in jail is when I first was exposed to the horrors of homosexuality.
Guest:And... No, I'm just kidding.
Guest:Um...
Guest:You're not gay, are you?
Guest:No, no, I'm not.
Guest:But I got the look.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Not only do you have it, you seem to be cultivating it.
Guest:Yeah, it's true.
Guest:It's true.
Guest:It's not one of those things where it's like, why?
Guest:Why do you think I'm gay?
Guest:I'm more like in the store, like, yes, that one.
Guest:That looks gay.
Guest:But yeah, so I got, I got, I was locked up a bunch when I was a kid.
Guest:I went to rehab for the first time when I was 13 years old.
Guest:I was in and out of rehab until I was almost 16.
Guest:I've been locked in mental hospitals.
Guest:I've been, took the short yellow bus to school.
Guest:I was like, I was like retarded.
Guest:I was functionally retarded.
Guest:Can you tell us about some of your crimes?
Guest:Like were you like, like what kind of crimes did you do at 12?
Guest:It was super juvenile stuff.
Guest:Like, and that's sort of, that's just by virtue of the fact you were 12.
Marc:That's right.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:That's right.
Guest:Major bank robberies.
Guest:Right.
Guest:No, I thought that was funny in that email when that kid was like, this was the most WTF moment in our immediate history.
Guest:I was like, you only have an immediate history when you're 16.
Guest:But we were just like, I was in a gang when I was a kid called the Pure Adrenaline Gangsters.
Guest:And...
Guest:Man, that sounds scary.
Guest:Well, that's the idea.
Guest:There is no pretense in this book that I was, in fact, hardcore.
Guest:It's more that I was... Pure genuine gangsta?
Guest:It's really a book about kids that think that they're...
Guest:incredibly tough when they're not at all I mean it's really it's really about you know so you guys are on the streets of Oakland yeah and the pure adrenaline gangsters yeah which I say in the book like it was such a it was such a faggy name it should have been called like the pure hardcore adrenaline gangsters or fag would be a cool name for a gang so would you like terrorize nine-year-olds
Guest:Well, I had to like, well, I mean, it was pretty, a lot of stuff was pretty intense in Oakland.
Guest:It was the early 90s in Oakland.
Guest:So it was like right when, you know, sort of, it was like the murder capital of the United States.
Guest:And so a lot of that stuff trickled down to us white, us sort of disaffected poor white kids.
Guest:We just really all super hardcore wanted to be black and be tough and cool.
Guest:And so we went ahead and did it.
Guest:You know, we made the switch.
Guest:We made the change.
Guest:And that lasted until what, like six years ago?
Guest:Yeah, until I opened for you in San Francisco.
Guest:No, but maybe if you saw a sort of Wigger vibe happening... He's saying it.
Guest:Yeah, I can say it.
Guest:Because he was one, I guess.
Guest:Because I used to be one.
Guest:That didn't work with these people.
Guest:No, I guess not.
Guest:You're going to have to swim back from Wigger, my friend.
Guest:If...
Guest:You heard, well, actually, this is interesting because I noticed that I kind of got out of that kind of confused racial identity.
Guest:Is that better?
Guest:I don't know.
Guest:Sort of situation.
Guest:That's that guy.
Guest:Yeah, right.
Guest:He'll just scream snow Mexican.
Yeah.
Guest:But then I found it when I started comedy years later, years after I kind of, I went to rehab for the last time when I was 16 and have been, you know, I was in therapy eight different times a week.
Guest:I mean, I was in some hardcore situations.
Marc:Jesus Christ, what the fuck was wrong with you?
Guest:Right.
Marc:I mean, look, you're a pleasant person now.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Did you work it out or are you just hiding it somewhere?
Guest:I'm not hiding it.
Guest:I'm hiding them in my basement.
Yeah.
Guest:If I could get that 16-year-old guy's email, I'd really appreciate that.
Guest:Yeah, I'll give you the cleaver, too, if you want.
Guest:You thought that was a what-the-fuck moment.
Marc:Well, I'm sober, too.
Marc:You know, I've got the sober thing going, but I didn't do it until I was 35.
Marc:Are you sure you got your licks in?
Guest:I'm not sure.
Guest:It's a scary thing, isn't it?
Guest:I'm now older.
Guest:How old are you?
Marc:I'm 30.
Guest:I'm 30 years old.
Guest:I've been clean and sober now 15 years, and I'm 30 years old.
Guest:Dude, there's drugs you didn't even know were around.
Guest:Well, there's drugs that weren't around.
Guest:Oh, I know, right?
Guest:And then they became invented.
Guest:I know.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I spent a lot of time in the rave scene, though.
Guest:Before we...
Marc:Of course he did.
Marc:Look at it.
Marc:It's part of a natural evolution.
Marc:How far in?
Marc:Like, Dr. Seuss hat far?
Guest:I mean, very far.
Guest:I mean, glitter.
Guest:Glitter.
Guest:Pacifier.
Guest:Oh, by the way, this is funny.
Guest:Because...
Guest:No, but this is funny because I was a young man and I had at this point become clean and sober, but I was really deep in the rave world and I really loved the whole image.
Guest:And the pacifier is specifically for people on ecstasy to not grind their teeth, but I didn't take ecstasy.
Guest:I just had the pacifier because I thought it was cool.
Guest:Oh, I forgot to mention two things.
Guest:My parents are both deaf and my father is a Hasidic Jew.
Guest:An Hasidic deaf Jew?
Guest:So that's why your mom left.
Guest:Where are you taking the baby?
Guest:Where are you taking the baby?
Guest:Oh, you're saying because they're deaf?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Oh, I get it.
Guest:Oh, I'm sorry.
Guest:That's wrong.
Guest:It would have been like... I feel like that guy whose eyes are going to pop like corks right now.
Guest:So my parents are both deaf.
Guest:My father's a Hasidic Jew.
Guest:My mother's a semi-atheist Jewish hippie.
Guest:There's all these fucked up swirling dynamics.
Guest:Yeah, by the book.
Guest:It's called Cashier in the Rye.
Guest:Is it out?
Marc:No, but it will be.
Marc:Is it really called that?
Marc:Yeah, it really is.
Marc:All right.
Marc:Moshe Cashier, ladies and gentlemen.
Thank you.
Marc:What a pleasure it is to have this next guest because, like I said before, I love her.
Marc:I've not seen her in a long time.
Marc:I'm glad she made it out.
Marc:Please welcome me.
Marc:You may remember her from her show, The Minor Accomplishments of Jackie Woodman.
Marc:Laura Keitlinger, ladies and gentlemen.
Thank you.
Marc:Hi.
Marc:Hello.
Marc:Laura's shaking her martini shaker.
Marc:Is that what you call it?
Marc:A shaker?
Marc:And you have a glass of vodka.
Marc:Oh, yeah.
Marc:All this talk of not drinking.
Guest:I'm glad that you're still... You put me back on the wagon.
Guest:Just in two minutes, I'm back on the fucking wagon listening to you whiners out here.
Guest:You fucking babies.
Guest:It's like the sword of Damocles between Mark and me.
Guest:Oh, Lord.
Guest:So you're still at it.
Guest:That's good.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Oh, I'm proud of you.
Guest:I can stick to a few things.
Guest:Unlike you guys who can bail.
Marc:The last time I talked to you, I wanted you to come to the house to do the what the fuck in the garage.
Guest:Right.
Guest:That sounds great, right?
Guest:Everybody?
Guest:Ladies?
Guest:Guys?
Guest:Trannies?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Come and do this in the garage.
Guest:Cutie?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:You look great, Mark.
Marc:Thank you very much.
Marc:But there was an issue where you're like, if I get in the car and I come out there, I'm not going to be able to get home.
Guest:That's right.
Guest:I was going to have to stay overnight and have sex with you and have a baby and move in because I'd get lost going home.
Guest:And the thought of that made me think I'm just going to have to stay here and be your baby mama's whatever and just live that Jewish neurotic fucking disaster.
Marc:We never did date, though.
Marc:You know that, right?
Marc:What?
Marc:We never did.
Marc:Never.
Guest:But I have a lock of your hair in my... Oh, fuck.
Guest:In my what?
Okay.
Guest:These people love you, man.
Guest:They love you.
Marc:No, I'm just saying this is a great crowd.
Marc:What have you been doing?
Marc:Have you been getting out of the house?
Guest:Have I slept with anyone in here?
Guest:Okay.
Guest:Do you remember all of them?
Guest:Yeah, I do.
Guest:No, I was just thinking I'm kind of seeing two guys that make one age-appropriate guy because I don't meet anybody except young guys who are the only ones that ask me out and they're all addicted to porn.
Yeah.
Guest:And I think also, you know, can I just bring up some advice?
Guest:You guys, you know, you don't have to do everything that you've ever seen in your life in porn movies in one night.
Guest:You know, you can spread it out a little, you know, like, you know, how about, you know...
Guest:Let's parcel out the magic.
Guest:You can spank me one night and then call me a whore the next.
Guest:You know, let's just like... Not rush into it at all.
Guest:Yeah, you know, I'm lazy.
Guest:I don't get out of the house.
Guest:I can't handle too much.
Guest:Spread it out.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Do it over a week.
Guest:Yeah, let's not make it... So you go out with the younger guys?
Guest:I seem to, yeah.
Guest:Yeah, like how young?
Guest:16.
Guest:No, good.
Guest:No.
Marc:So it's a teaching element to it.
Yeah.
Guest:A little bit.
Guest:No, they're better than me.
Guest:That's what's sad.
Guest:No, I come really fast, too.
Guest:No, because I like to get it over with.
Guest:Anybody?
Guest:Oh.
Guest:Do you want to go out?
Guest:You and me?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:You're a little old for her, I think.
Guest:Thanks, Moshe.
Guest:I was just about to give Moshe my phone number.
Guest:Is it Moshe?
Guest:Moshe?
Guest:It doesn't matter.
Guest:Is it okay if I call you Marsha?
Guest:Because I'm from upstate New York.
Guest:Call me whatever you want.
Guest:I'm going to call you a whore.
Guest:I just got excited.
Guest:A little bit.
Guest:A little bit.
Guest:Okay.
Marc:Let me just ask you, when you date a guy that's really into porn, does it bother you at all at first?
Guest:Okay.
Guest:All right.
Guest:Well, all right.
Guest:I was with this guy, giving him a hand job.
Guest:Do the kids still call it that?
Guest:Yeah, sure.
Okay.
Guest:I only know when people come into the house, like, if, you know, then they tell me what's going on.
Guest:So, it could... It's still 1970 to me, and that's why I'm in this prison outfit from the 70s.
Guest:All right.
Guest:So, I was, you know, trying to give this, you know... And it was so important to both of us.
Guest:He had both of... You know, he had... He was directing me.
Guest:I had both my hands on it.
Guest:He had his hand on it.
Guest:It was like, you know, if we didn't, like, start a fire by morning, we'd both be dead.
Guest:It was so important to the focus...
Guest:I was thinking it was really such concentration.
Guest:If we'd spent that kind of time teaching kids to read, or illiteracy would be gone overnight.
Guest:It would be eradicated if all of us said, how about let's forego a handjob and teach some kids to read.
Guest:And we'd be exactly where we are because nobody would.
Guest:But anyway, so I was like, we were both working on it.
Guest:And then finally, finally, he spits on it.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:And I didn't know what that meant.
Guest:I thought he'd just kind of given up.
Guest:You know?
Guest:And I thought...
Guest:So then I spit on it too.
Guest:Said, yeah, fuck this.
Guest:Let's get out of here.
Guest:This is good money after bad, ladies.
Guest:You might have to go out with me.
Guest:I think so.
Guest:You know my old habits.
Guest:We have to sleep in a wheelchair together if that's all right.
Guest:And you can take me outside.
Guest:I guess I'm going to go.
Guest:You know, I guess I'm going to go.
Guest:When I saw Mark, what did you say to me?
Guest:You said, have you done anything?
Guest:Have you gone outside?
Marc:Yeah, because the map thing was a little disconcerting in a way.
Guest:I love you.
Guest:I do get loud.
Guest:all the time.
Marc:But they have maps.
Marc:They have GPSs.
Marc:You can find how... I know, but it doesn't mean anything to me.
Marc:You literally wouldn't come to my house because you were concerned that you would never get home.
Guest:Yeah, well, because I thought I'd just get lost.
Guest:I don't know.
Guest:It's just like either I'm daydreaming.
Guest:It just goes out the window.
Guest:I could walk out.
Guest:You know, and there's actually a condition.
Guest:Did you want to play that game?
Guest:It's called antisocial.
Marc:The game where it's guess your mental illness?
Marc:Oh, yeah, sure, sure.
Marc:Let's name some symptoms.
Guest:Okay, well, first of all, my good friend, a stand-up comic, Nick Smith, is here also tonight.
Guest:And he was saying he thinks I'm ADD because I can't concentrate on things.
Guest:Like, I'll start something and, you know, walk away from it.
Guest:Like, I'll put on, you know, my curling iron and then, you know, decide that I've got to, you know, give the dog a bath or, you know, whatever.
Guest:The house is burning down.
Guest:You know, just, you know, just easily, easily distracted.
Guest:Don't leave the house.
Guest:Don't leave the house.
Marc:Drink?
Marc:You drink?
Guest:I drink.
Marc:Do you obsess about things?
Marc:Do you drink a lot?
Guest:No, I don't drink a lot, actually.
Guest:I just drink whenever I leave the house.
Guest:Wait, are you getting to the bottom of this, Marsha?
Guest:I'm about to spring the intervention on you.
Guest:All right.
Guest:Dante, if you want to come forward.
Guest:I can't.
Guest:Okay, let's see.
Marc:Can anyone name Laura's mental illness?
Guest:But my therapist, the professional, says it's major depression.
Guest:And I have a story about that.
Guest:That I actually met this woman.
Guest:We were working downtown on minor accomplishments.
Guest:And there was this woman, and her name, and she was maybe a little checked out.
Guest:And her name was General Sparkle.
Guest:That's how she introduced herself.
Guest:Wow.
Guest:And I had just found out I had major depression.
Guest:So every morning when we came in to shoot, I'd say, major depression.
Guest:And she'd say, General Sparkle.
Guest:And I was like, this is where it should be.
Guest:This all makes sense now.
Guest:This is without acid.
Guest:We didn't even need it.
Guest:Are you depressed though?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Really?
Guest:I must be.
Marc:Do you just watch TV?
Guest:I don't even watch TV.
Guest:I'm just always at the computer writing or, you know, I'm trying to, you know, I've actually bought a money pit house.
Guest:So I'm trying to like write myself out of debt.
Guest:I've written five pilots.
Marc:Really?
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:Two of them are decent.
Guest:One of them sold, and I can't actually say where, I guess.
Marc:He's writing a book.
Marc:Did you write a book?
Guest:I am writing a novel.
Marc:A novel?
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:About?
Guest:And I actually... Well, it's kind of about myself and my two friends, but I call it soft serve.
Guest:You know what that is?
Guest:It's ice cream, isn't it?
Guest:Yes.
Guest:No.
Guest:It's this... Do you know what it is, Kenton?
Guest:No.
Guest:It's...
Guest:I found out about this.
Guest:It's the worst thing ever.
Guest:Can I say what I think it is?
Guest:Yes.
Guest:It sounds like stuffing your flaccid penis inside of a vagina.
Guest:Is that correct?
Guest:That's it.
Guest:Oh, fuck.
Guest:Damn.
Guest:So it's not a good thing.
Guest:No.
Guest:It depends on where you're coming from.
Guest:No, it's not a good thing.
Guest:It's like trying to put Jell-O in a mold or something.
Marc:I know what it's like.
Guest:Okay.
Okay.
Guest:You're doing it to me now under the table, aren't you?
Guest:Yeah, I am.
Marc:I was hoping you wouldn't notice.
Guest:I'm not kidding.
Guest:It's called Soft Serve, and it's kind of like it started, because this friend of mine wound up getting pregnant through Soft Serve.
Marc:Whoa.
Marc:The guy came with no boner?
Marc:Wow.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:That's surprising.
Guest:I know.
Guest:We just got a clinical pre-com over here.
Guest:He said, well, I get hard once I get inside.
Guest:That's what he said to her, to my friend.
Guest:And apparently he did.
Guest:Or she's like a terrarium and just somehow sprouted this thing.
Guest:You can ejaculate while flaccid.
Guest:I've done that once.
Guest:Of course you have.
Guest:You've been sober for 15 years.
Guest:You've got to do something.
Guest:No, it can happen.
Guest:I know.
Guest:I know.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:So that's what happened.
Guest:Probably self-serve.
Guest:Can we go back to what we're here today?
Guest:what we're here to talk about, which is this church benefit on Sunday.
Guest:I feel like we've lost.
Guest:Well, that is actually how the church came to be, was through somebody ejaculating.
Guest:We're sitting by the phone, so please, please donate.
Guest:Please, let's get this thing.
Guest:Let's kick this off on Sunday.
Guest:Let's make sure.
Guest:Laura Keitlinger, ladies and gentlemen.
Marc:No, just move down.
Marc:It's weird.
Marc:It feels really intimate tonight because of the missing.
Marc:I like it.
Marc:It's really great.
Marc:And this guy, I met this guy in Austin, and he's very funny.
Marc:And he's one of those comics where he's sort of in a different time zone than me.
Marc:Please welcome Brendan Walsh to the stage.
Yay!
Marc:Oh, you have gifts for me?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Oh, because you make the t-shirts.
Marc:I make t-shirts.
Marc:Oh, I forgot to give away my t-shirts.
Guest:This is like, I was thinking, this is like Wonderama for old assholes out here.
Guest:Oh, there it is.
Guest:Because you give away t-shirts, you... Abusive fathers kick ass.
Guest:10 a.m.
Marc:still drunk.
Marc:Those are great shirts.
Marc:Is that what you're doing now?
Guest:I just started.
Guest:I was doing it in Austin.
Guest:I had them in a couple stores there.
Guest:I had a studio where I could print them there, so now I just kind of make them.
Guest:It's fun, right?
Guest:It is.
Guest:It's satisfying because it's something that you can do.
Guest:You have a pile of fucking shirts when you're done printing them, so you're like there.
Marc:You know what I have a lot of?
Marc:I did something.
Marc:Yeah, I have a lot of these because I had a big idea, but apparently no one can wear them.
Marc:They say nerd cock.
Guest:That's a good one.
Guest:I like that.
Guest:You like nerd cock?
Marc:That's funny.
Marc:People like the idea because I've explained it many times, but when they get the shirt, they get emails.
Marc:They're like, I don't know where the fuck to wear this.
Marc:I have kids.
Guest:I can't wear... But, you know, nerd takes the offensiveness out of cock.
Marc:Yeah, but I thought, like, nerds would be proud to be nerd cock.
Marc:Like, I see it as a proactive thing.
Marc:Like, nerds have cock.
Marc:Nerd cock.
Guest:You know what I'd like?
Guest:What?
Guest:A small cock.
Guest:Just so you know, on a t-shirt.
Guest:I've got one of those.
You've got one.
Guest:So you don't have to go all the way through that.
Guest:Who wants a small nerd cock?
Guest:Oh, that one.
Guest:Throw it back.
Guest:I also print up t-shirts that say size doesn't matter on them, but they're only available in triple extra large and double extra small.
Marc:I met you first in Austin, and you were sort of edgy and angry, and you're sort of coming apart at the seams.
Marc:Did that ever fully happen?
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Oh, yeah.
Guest:I lost my mind like three years ago.
Guest:That's like the whole beard and everything.
Guest:I like flipped out and fucking quit comedy.
Guest:Went into the woods in upstate New York.
Guest:You did?
Marc:Oh, fucking God bless you.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:How long were you up there?
Guest:I was only up there for a summer, but I spent some time.
Guest:I was like in my mom's basement for like six months.
Guest:Where in upstate New York were you, I have to know?
Guest:Cooperstown, right outside of Cooperstown.
Marc:Hall of Fame.
Marc:Yeah, yeah, that's in the town.
Marc:So were you out behind the baseball Hall of Fame?
Marc:People were like, that's the bearded guy.
Marc:Yeah, no, there's a lot of bearded guys up there.
Marc:What were you doing?
Marc:Were you like out in the woods?
Marc:Just fucking running.
Guest:No, a friend of mine, his dad had just bought this house that a tree fell on.
Guest:And his dad is like this crazy good carpenter.
Guest:So he fixed up the house and was trying to say, either way, it's just an empty house.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And it was just an empty house.
Guest:And a good buddy of mine that I knew from Austin was living there.
Guest:Sure.
Guest:And he just had all this musical equipment and just woods.
Guest:So you're like, we're going to make the record.
Guest:Yeah, I mean, it was just kind of like just fucking around.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:Those days are so gone to me in the way where, you know, some guy calls you.
Marc:It's like, dude, I got a house, man.
Marc:You want to come up?
Marc:You're like, fuck yeah, I'm not doing anything.
Marc:Let me just leave my apartment and load my car.
Guest:It was easier to do that because I had already left all my shit in Austin.
Guest:What did you do with it?
Guest:I fucking just got rid of it.
Marc:Isn't it funny when you do that when you give shit away?
Marc:Like when I left New York in a panic once, I gave this huge bed to a guy across the hall who I knew was sleeping on the floor.
Marc:Yeah, but he was doing it by choice.
Marc:He was a realist painter.
Marc:I don't know what that had to do with anything.
Marc:But I said, do you want my bed?
Marc:And he was like, oh my God.
Marc:I'm like, I'm not going to do it if it's going to change your art.
Guest:Right?
Yeah.
Guest:If you get a good night's sleep, you might not paint that fucking pear and banana properly.
Guest:It's right.
Guest:I don't know what became of that guy.
Guest:This is a severely mentally ill...
Guest:group of people, isn't it?
Guest:Yeah, it really is.
Guest:Oh, it's comedians.
Guest:We're almost like all levels of depression.
Guest:It's almost like a descending order.
Guest:I'm not depressed.
Guest:You're about to snap.
Guest:Just shut.
Guest:You are so about to snap.
Guest:You're sitting on it, sitting on it, sitting on it.
Guest:I don't need drinks.
Guest:I don't need antidepressants.
Guest:You're going to like fucking pull your head off and shit down your own neck by the time you get it.
Guest:And you've done it before.
Marc:Yes, I have.
Marc:I had a taste of it yesterday.
Guest:Do you have that, man?
Guest:Do you snap?
Guest:No, ever since my meltdown existential crisis thing, I'm fucking way more mellow now.
Guest:Like, I just don't.
Guest:I used to really get hateful.
Marc:Well, that's when I met you.
Marc:Like, literally, you were the kind of guy where I used to get... I was in a relationship then, too.
Guest:Women.
Guest:Am I right, ladies?
Guest:We breed hate.
Guest:Yeah, I was, yeah, I don't know.
Guest:That was like, that was probably like, I was pretty new.
Guest:It was probably 2002, 2003.
Guest:I had like just started comedy and it was right on the heels of like September 11th and stuff.
Guest:And I was really mad.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:well you know i did i was really disenchanted after that like i just was like you know i didn't trust the government already right exactly and like that morning when the planes were flying in the shit i my thought wasn't like we're under attack i was like what are these fucking assholes up to and that's like kind of what we met like that's what we kind of bonded on we're like 9-11's an inside job exactly
Marc:But you actually did the thing that would be the direct trajectory of that thinking.
Marc:I'm going to the mountains.
Marc:I'm going off the grid.
Marc:You know, I'm on to this.
Guest:Well, but that wasn't until 2007.
Guest:I'm going to the Baseball Hall of Fame.
Guest:I'm going to get a picture next to a bust of Yogi Berra.
Guest:Take that, terrorist.
Guest:I did have, when I was up there, I had this one friend that I would talk to here and there, and I had bought an accommodator.
Guest:Is anybody familiar with this?
Guest:What is that?
Guest:It's a sex toy.
Guest:I bought it purely for, I haven't used it yet, ladies.
Guest:It's a chin strap with a dildo on it.
Guest:It's a fucking dildo chin strap.
Guest:Google it.
Guest:It's amazing, right?
Guest:It's like... You look shocked.
Guest:She looks really excited.
Guest:You slide it in, and you can... And then you can do the other thing.
Guest:You're putting a dildo in your own mouth?
Guest:On your chin, and then the girl sits on it, and you can work the other thing.
Guest:But it's an absurd-looking thing.
Guest:I mean, it's a dildo coming off your thing.
Guest:So, like, that's the only reason I bought it was like, oh, I'm going to wear this in the car.
Guest:Right.
Guest:I was going to, like, wear it to the bank and shit.
Guest:And if people gave me grief about it, I'd be like, come on, I have a medical condition.
Guest:Like, I have to fucking wear this.
Guest:It's bad enough.
Guest:Because it's not all, like, veiny and shit.
Guest:It's just the phallus.
Guest:Come on, let me merge, dick face.
Guest:I think we finally found the right place to wear your nerd cock shirt.
Guest:So I was going as an act of, I guess would be considered terrorism.
Guest:I never actually made it into the Hall of Fame, but I was going to take it into the Hall of Fame and put the accommodator on the bust of Yogi Berra.
Guest:I wish you would have brought it.
Guest:I'd love to see what it looks like.
Guest:Well, next time.
Guest:I mean, you can get it.
Guest:Get a cock strap face thing.
Guest:I have to say, even as a guy, you know, I'm doing it to, you know, please my girlfriend or just for an extra kick or something.
Guest:I think putting it on would make me feel bad.
Guest:It's absurd.
Guest:I mean, nobody should have a cock on their chin.
Guest:Nobody.
Guest:I mean, it just seems like so... Your beard is so big, Brendan, too.
Guest:It's funny to think of you with the accommodator with your hair like akimbo.
Guest:It's gross.
Guest:I mean, I think it could be fun, but it just seems like... You know what I think is great about it?
Marc:Is that there's years of planning in this now.
Marc:That you've got the accommodator years ago and it's still a project that hasn't really come to pass yet.
Marc:That should be a goal.
Marc:I should try to use it on someone.
Marc:I think you should write it down.
Marc:Now, where have you been lately?
Marc:Anywhere interesting?
Marc:I was in Alaska.
Marc:Holy shit, looking for a place to live?
Guest:No.
Guest:Just doing... Seems like the next logical step.
Guest:Just telling jokes, doing a...
Marc:I went up there once and I was paralyzed with fear to go up there because it was like Fairbanks.
Marc:It was a college gig.
Marc:I did that gig.
Marc:And I remember asking CK, I said, you know, what the fuck is it like?
Marc:And he said, they're just happy you came.
Marc:Absolutely.
Marc:But I remember specifically being driven down the street by the student activities person who picked me up and she pointed at like just these three apartment buildings, like not even big ones, just four story apartment buildings sitting alone.
Marc:And she said, that's the bad neighborhood.
Marc:Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Guest:These three structures on a tundra.
Guest:It's weird to think of there being a bad neighborhood in Alaska.
Guest:Like, people would go up there and then descend into crime in the woods.
Guest:Like, it's a weird idea.
Guest:Because there is nothing to do and everybody's drunk.
Guest:I have a trivia question.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:Who's the guy who pitched the no-hitter on LSD?
Guest:Oh, Gooden.
Guest:Dwight Gooden, right?
Guest:Doc Ellis.
Guest:Baseball people.
Guest:Doc Ellis.
Guest:Look, these two people are like the best audience members.
Guest:She had the cock thing.
Marc:Pre-com and Doc Ellis.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:I don't think we need anybody else.
Guest:Next time, can we just have these two kids?
Guest:What are your names?
Guest:Amber Sweet.
Marc:IMD beer.
Marc:Amber Sweet and Todd?
Marc:You guys... Huh?
Marc:Todd?
Marc:Amber Sweet and Todd?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:To be fair to Todd... You guys should make a record.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:And it should just be called that.
Marc:And it's just... You dress like this sitting on the record.
Guest:The album should be called... Kill them all, let Todd sort them out.
Guest:Yes.
Guest:Oh, I like that.
Guest:Featuring Amber Sweet.
Guest:Brendan Walsh, ladies and gentlemen.
Guest:Laura Keitlinger.
Guest:Moshe Kasher.
Guest:Our esteemed WTF panel for this evening.
Guest:Thank you, guys.
Guest:I'll see you backstage.
Marc:Amber, Sweet, and Todd.
Marc:Are you going to hang out, you guys?
Marc:Are you going to hang out for a minute?
Marc:No, I mean backstage.
Marc:I love seeing you guys.
Marc:Thanks.
Marc:What's the matter, Laura?
Marc:You don't know how to get out of here?
Marc:Just don't get lost between... She's so funny.
Marc:All right, we've got a couple more things.
Marc:We're running a little late, but the kids are going to have to wait.
Marc:Right now, it's my pleasure to bring out Jim Earl to do this week's In Memoriam.
Marc:Jim, please...
Guest:Hi, Jim.
Guest:Hi, Mark.
Guest:How are you?
Guest:I'm good.
Guest:A lot of stuff going on this week, huh?
Guest:A lot of people dying?
Guest:Oh, a lot of people dying.
Guest:Okay, let's get in it.
Guest:Richard LaMotta, creator of the Chipwitch Ice Cream Sandwich.
Okay.
Guest:Richard LaMotta, the inventor of the chip, which a cold slab of vanilla sandwiched between two chunky chocolate chip cookies is now freezing his chips off on a cold slab of concrete.
Guest:Friends say there's no truth to the rumor his heart gave out at the Two Potato Bar in the West Village after attempting to squeeze himself between two chunky men to create a manwich.
Guest:There's no truth to that rumor.
Guest:I'm happy to hear that.
Guest:LaMotta debuted his invention on the streets of New York way back in 1982, Mark.
Guest:And within two weeks, he was selling over 40,000 chipwishes a day.
Guest:Imagine that.
Guest:Mostly to the ghost of Elvis.
Guest:Ghost of Elvis.
Guest:Elvis ate a lot.
Guest:At one point, chipwishes became so popular, the mayor, Ed Koch, agreed to pose for a famous photo of himself biting into one.
Guest:Eight years later, a New York cop raped Abner Louima with a broomstick.
Guest:Coincidence?
Guest:You be the judge.
Guest:Sad that guy died, huh?
Guest:There were many chipwish imitations on the market, but none ever seemed to catch the public's fancy.
Guest:They included names like Chili Chips, Chips and Chips, and the hugely unsuccessful Two Slaps of Crud Surrounding a Lump of Shit.
Guest:With Lyman.
Guest:Lyman.
Guest:I thought Lyman would get a bigger reaction than...
Guest:Richard was a cousin of boxing champ Jake LaMotta.
Guest:Oh.
Guest:Whose love for the creamy concoction became so intense, he once even accused Richard of, quote, fucking his chip witch.
Guest:You fucking my chip witch?
Guest:I heard things.
Guest:Yeah, you fuck my chip witch?
Guest:John Barron, inventor of the ATM.
Guest:John Barron, yeah.
Guest:A Scotsman who over 40 years ago invented the automated teller machine is now out of cash.
Yeah.
Guest:Witnesses... News of his death couldn't be confirmed until four days after he was deposited at the morgue.
Guest:Because the bank said they had to put a hold on his corpse.
Guest:Barron said he came up with the idea for ATMs after being locked out of his bank.
Guest:He also said his invention was inspired by candy vending machines.
Guest:Which leads me to my next question.
Guest:Which story is it, asshole?
Guest:Is it the fucking candy vending machine, or is it the fucking bank thing?
Guest:What a fucking jerk.
Guest:Here's an interesting factoid, Mark.
Guest:Okay, Jim.
Guest:The world's highest ATM is located in Tibet at 5,000 meters.
Guest:The world's lowest ATM is located 400 meters below sea level, near the Dead Sea.
Guest:And the world's stickiest is in Amsterdam.
Okay.
Guest:It is literally packed with semen.
Guest:Wikipedia it.
Guest:Barron requested his body be dried and molded into a hard protective case containing four trays of $20 bills and placed near any dark place where people may gather to get robbed or kidnapped.
Guest:Thank you, Jim.
Marc:Jim Earl from the Clutter Family and the David Feldman Podcast.
Marc:Now it's time for closing words.
Marc:I don't even know what the fuck he's going to talk about.
Marc:Eddie.
Marc:Eddie.
Marc:Eddie Pepitone.
Marc:Just sit down and do this.
Marc:I'm running late.
Guest:Are we running late?
Marc:It doesn't matter.
Marc:I'll go then.
Marc:I'll go really.
Marc:No, no, no.
Marc:We didn't prepare or anything.
Marc:I don't even know where to start with you.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Well, I'm going to start.
Guest:What is this over here?
Guest:It's vodka.
Guest:Oh, is it?
Guest:Okay.
Yeah.
Guest:No, I am going to start with I was walking on the beach today in Santa Monica and there was a beautiful either loon or coriander.
Guest:What is it, honey?
Guest:Honey?
Guest:Oh, it's your girlfriend.
Guest:Sorry.
Guest:A loon.
Guest:It was a fucking loon.
Guest:And I'll tell you where my mind went, Mark.
Guest:Yes.
Guest:I'll tell you where my mind went, UCB.
Guest:It went to what the fuck is going on with our world.
Guest:We are overrun.
Guest:I'm talking about, and nobody fucking talks about this because they're too busy talking about their genitals.
Guest:But what the fuck is going on with this environmental disaster that is taking place in the Gulf of fucking Mexico?
Guest:And now let me tell you something why I bring it up.
Guest:I bring it up, one, because you don't care.
Guest:And two, because we are so getting bent over now by corporations, it is not even funny.
Guest:Even though I am a funny person and I just walk around my house going, that's funny, that's funny, that's funny, that's funny.
Guest:And there's a lot, no, that's what I do.
Guest:That's what I do.
Guest:Yet when I come on Mark's show, I'm angry and I think it makes me mentally ill.
Guest:I've talked to you about this.
Guest:Yeah, yeah.
Guest:But I want to be a comedian who has something to say because so many comics just go up and they talk about their fucking genitals.
Yeah.
Guest:Okay?
Guest:They talk about their genitals or their targets are wrong.
Guest:They talk about, oh, aren't the fucking, isn't the help at Rite Aid fucked up?
Guest:No.
Guest:No.
Guest:No.
Guest:Even though, even though when I go in Rite Aid, I am pissed from word one because the lines, no, the lines don't move.
No.
Guest:But I know the big picture that it's not the little people who I'm angry at in the moment, furious at.
Guest:I just want to say this, that folks, folks, when are we going to take care of each other?
Guest:When are we gonna stop being so fucking competitive?
Guest:And I have that problem too.
Guest:I'm the funniest guy on Twitter.
Guest:I know that.
Guest:I know that.
Guest:I fucking know that.
Guest:Yet I look and I have 3,000 followers and some fuck will have 500 million followers who just tweet shit like, oh, I just made a sandwich.
Guest:But because they were on some fucking show, everybody's like, let's follow them!
Guest:Did you hear?
Guest:Let's use, if Orson Welles was still alive, he'd have a great following.
Guest:It'd be like, Orson Welles' tweets would be like, I'm at Pink's, I just ate 195 hot dogs, and I don't feel well.
Guest:And that's...
Guest:And that would have been retweeted.
Guest:But what I want, it would have been retweeted.
Guest:Anyway, I want to say, I want to say to everybody, can you stop being so fucking numb out there?
Guest:Corporations, it's gotten to the point.
Guest:And by the way, this is what it feels like, and I would never do this, like be a leader.
Guest:Like, you know, like if we were in the streets, this would feel very different.
Right?
Guest:Because then I wouldn't like to do it in the streets because I would feel like there's no UCB personnel to stop a lunatic.
Guest:I don't think there is.
Guest:Anyways.
Guest:That's true.
Guest:If you are a lunatic, know that you could run amok in here.
Guest:It's just very young interns who are paying for their classes.
Guest:Let me ask you a question.
Marc:If you were a leader, let's say we are out in the street, and you're like, right at that moment, you're like, let's go!
Guest:Let's go!
Guest:Let's go where?
Ha ha ha!
Guest:Well, I've been in that before because I am the type of guy who goes to demonstrations.
Guest:But as soon as there's a confrontation with the police, I was in New York doing a demonstration.
Guest:And I remember yelling at the New York Times building going, shame, shame.
Guest:And I was really getting into it.
Guest:I was really getting into it.
Guest:It was about the war.
Guest:I think the first Persian Gulf War.
Guest:Who knows at this point?
Guest:And what happened?
Guest:So many fucking wars.
Guest:And we were, well, at one point, we were just stopping at different, you know, institutions.
Guest:Shame!
Guest:Shame!
Guest:And it feels liberating.
Guest:If anyone hasn't done it, I recommend down here in L.A., go in front of the L.A.
Guest:Times building, just yell shame.
Guest:But what happened was the cops surrounded the demonstrators, and there was this girl.
Guest:It was a girl.
Guest:It was always a woman.
Guest:And she was running back and forth going, this isn't a parade, people!
Guest:We have to confront the police!
Guest:And that's when I tiptoe away.
Guest:I...
Guest:I really do.
Guest:And I had like on the no war button, like big no war buttons.
Guest:And I go into the sub and I just take the no war button.
Guest:Because I can blend in with the rabble, which is you people.
Guest:You are the rabble, because you're a mob mentality here.
Guest:All right?
Guest:Except for this person, that woman right there, who has no mind at all.
Guest:Now look!
Guest:I am gonna... I'm just kidding.
Guest:But look, I'm telling you, it's going to get really nasty because you know what we're going to see.
Guest:And the reason why I brought up, I was walking on the beach with my girlfriend today.
Guest:Sorry, ladies.
Guest:And I was walking on the beach.
Guest:No, I have to say that, right?
Guest:I was walking on the beach and there was a bird and it was an injured bird and it was a big bird.
Guest:It was a loon.
Guest:Anyone know what a loon is?
Guest:Round of applause.
Guest:Round of applause if you nap out of fear.
Guest:All right.
Guest:You're now going to see pictures of all these fucking innocent creatures covered in corporate fucking shit.
Guest:And BP isn't even going to be paying for this shit.
Guest:They're not even going to be paying for this shit.
Guest:It's fucking horrible.
Guest:He really, he gets it down to a crystalline sentence.
Guest:Doesn't he?
Guest:I mean, you could see him in front of a Congress going, it's fucking horrible.
Guest:It's fucking horrible.
Guest:Bang, and they hit the gavel, and they go, that's it.
Guest:Marin has spoken.
Guest:Anyway, let's take care of each other.
Guest:Let's just meet in theaters, okay?
Guest:Let us do this revolution in semi-safe theaters right next to cappuccino joints where you don't get served.
Guest:pizza places and bookstore let's have that all around us the stupid people have to get out of the way the stupid must get out of the way you fucking idiots and you know who you are you're lethargic people you party too much you're narcissistic assholes you know who I am talking to yes I have a lot of those qualities myself I'll freely admit that
Guest:So once again, I don't know what I'm saying.
Guest:I mean, Eddie Pepitone.
Marc:Give it up for all my guests.
Marc:Most of Kasher, Laura Keitlinger, Brendan Walsh, Eddie Pepitone, Jim Earl.
Marc:Go to punchlinemagazine.com for all your comedy needs.
Marc:Thank you.
Marc:Thank you for listening to the podcast.
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