Episode 737 - Robert Kelly
Marc:Lock the gates!
Marc:Alright, let's do this.
Marc:How are you, what the fuckers?
Marc:What the fuck buddies?
Marc:What the fucking ears?
Marc:What the fucksters?
Marc:What's happening?
Marc:I'm Mark Maron.
Marc:This is WTF.
Marc:It's my podcast.
Marc:Welcome to it.
Marc:Nice to have you.
Marc:Today on the show, the beautifully sensitive and filthy Robert Kelly.
Marc:Robert Kelly is here.
Marc:I fucking love Robert Kelly.
Marc:He's on Sex and Drugs and Rock and Roll.
Marc:The season finale actually airs this Thursday, September 1st on FX.
Marc:And he's a great guy.
Marc:So look forward to that.
Marc:That's happening.
Marc:Also, something interesting happens.
Marc:Now, look, I get a lot of records.
Marc:I get a lot of people sampling me.
Marc:I get people asking if they can use pieces of the podcast for things.
Marc:And usually it's cool.
Marc:It's cool with me.
Marc:Do a little appropriation.
Marc:Move it out into the world.
Marc:If it fits your thing, do it.
Marc:But this has never happened.
Marc:There's a band in Asheville, North Carolina, I believe is where they're from.
Marc:The Get It Right Band.
Marc:And they actually wrote a song.
Marc:Well, I actually wrote it in a way.
Marc:I co-wrote a song.
Marc:They wrote a song using bits and pieces of my monologues and things.
Marc:They sang it and everything.
Marc:I didn't sing on it or anything, but it's all my words put together by the band, the Get It Right band.
Marc:And they recorded it.
Marc:And the song is called However Broken It Is.
Marc:And we're going to play it at the end of the show instead of me playing guitar.
Marc:All right?
Marc:So that's going to happen.
Marc:A couple of things, some business here, personal business.
Marc:You have until this Thursday, September 1st, to get my special More Later for $7.99.
Marc:It's available exclusively at WTFPod.com.
Marc:It's a digital download.
Marc:And then it will be on iTunes in September for a little more dough.
Marc:Go to WTFPod.com.
Marc:There's a link right on the homepage under today's episode, as well as in the merch section.
Marc:Also, I believe Carnegie Hall will sell out.
Marc:My November 4th date in New York at Carnegie Hall, the tickets are going well.
Marc:And I'm hearing from people that it's going to sell out.
Marc:And it's a couple months away, so I would get tickets for that if you'd like to witness that.
Marc:It might be the end of everything for me.
Marc:The Carnegie Hall thing.
Marc:Don't know how I can follow it.
Marc:So whether it goes well or okay or great or horrendous, whatever spectacle happens, it might be it.
Marc:But I doubt it.
Marc:I doubt it.
Marc:I'm just being dramatic and I'm trying to frame it in a way that elevates its importance even more so I can...
Marc:I can really be hard on myself as I go towards that.
Marc:I'm going to be running that set the 9th and the 10th of September.
Marc:I'm going to be in Rochester, New York at the Comedy Club.
Marc:I'm doing four shows there.
Marc:I believe my father is going to be at one of them because he's out in his car with his wife driving around the country.
Marc:That's what they enjoy doing.
Marc:But I don't know how those tickets are selling.
Marc:But if you're in the Rochester area, come down.
Marc:I'm working it.
Marc:I'm doing the thing.
Marc:All right.
Marc:So so that those are the immediate ones on the horizon.
Marc:What else?
Marc:Oh, yes.
Marc:I remember.
Marc:My girlfriend, my significant other, my partner, however you want to say it, Sarah Kane, the painter, she's got a big show of her new work in New York City.
Marc:If you live in New York City and you like the art, you like the painting, this is a big deal, man.
Marc:She did some bold shit.
Marc:The show is called Dark Matter.
Marc:It has nothing to do with me.
Marc:It's September 8th at Gallery Lalong.
Marc:That's G-A-L-E-R-I-E, Gallery Lalong, L-E-L-O-N-G-E.
Marc:September 8th, dudes and ladies and dudes, women, men.
Marc:In between, whatever you are, this show's gonna be spectacular.
Marc:She painted the floor, man.
Marc:She painted the fucking floor.
Marc:I don't, you know, it's a whole other world, but I know she was working on it.
Marc:The big, giant, linoleum pieces that she put together, that she painted in her studio, and then shipped, so the entire floor of the Gallery La Long on September 8th is gonna be a painting, and then there's gonna be paintings on the wall.
Marc:It's gonna be fucking...
Marc:Wild, man.
Marc:So if you're in New York, September 8th, Gallery Lalonde.
Marc:Dark Matter.
Marc:Paintings by Sarah Kane.
Marc:My... Yeah, I'm with her.
Marc:You know what I'm saying?
Marc:Huh?
Marc:You know what I'm saying?
Marc:What else?
Marc:What else can I tell you about?
Marc:Right now, I don't do this often, but I'm going to do it now.
Marc:I'm going to read a few emails or a few parts of emails because everybody seemed to love the Gottfried...
Marc:The Godfrey Shorty, as I call it.
Marc:You know, Godfrey came in here to plug his Showtime special.
Marc:But people like me and Godfrey.
Marc:This is from Robert, subject line, more Godfrey.
Marc:Dear Mark Maron, I'm a big fan of your podcast, and I've listened to nearly all of them.
Marc:I loved listening to the Godfrey episode and enjoyed his return.
Marc:I dare to say that it is my favorite episode.
Marc:I think the kernel of a new podcast or television show are there.
Marc:So if you ever do make Mark effortlessly shits on Godfrey's career and dreams, I guess that'd be the name of the show.
Marc:Let me know.
Marc:The subtle insulting barbs from you and his reactions have me rolling for all the time he has spent on your show.
Marc:So thanks, Rob.
Marc:And thank you, Rob, for that email.
Marc:Yes.
Marc:Yes.
Marc:Me and Godfrey have the thing that we do.
Marc:There is no doubt about that.
Marc:And it is always funny.
Marc:And then here's an interesting thing, because another approach to the Godfrey interview from Ty.
Marc:subject line Godfrey interview.
Marc:I'm just going to read this section.
Marc:The reason I write today is because I just listened to your interview with Godfrey.
Marc:It was the funniest interview and riffing I've heard on your show yet.
Marc:It made me think about the racial tension in our country right now and within the city and state that I live in, Atlanta, Georgia.
Marc:It was extremely refreshing to hear two men of different races identified, relate, and joke with each other in such a comfortable, candid, and jovial way.
Marc:It is my personal opinion that you should strongly consider Godfrey's suggestion on
Marc:of having him on the show regularly to promote and cultivate a message of hope when it comes to the relationships that occur between people of all walks of life.
Marc:During this time of tension and uncertainty as to the future of our country, it would be a welcomed breath of fresh air.
Marc:Thanks for your hard work and dedication to preserve a message of honesty and hope.
Marc:That's from Ty.
Marc:So, okay, I guess it's on me and Godfrey.
Marc:I guess it's on our shoulders.
Marc:We're going to have to figure out, you know, how to save the country.
Marc:just by me busting his balls.
Marc:Who knew that it had that possibility?
Marc:Of course it does.
Marc:Of course, Godfrey and I can almost single-handedly change the course of this nation.
Marc:I like the idea of that.
Marc:I'm also getting a lot of emails from conservatives.
Marc:And I know your first thought is like, oh shit.
Marc:Yeah, they're fucking, they're dogging you.
Marc:They're not.
Marc:They're not.
Marc:A lot of them appreciated my relative empathy on my sort of poetic interpretation of why people vote for Trump.
Marc:That's before the Roseanne Barr interview.
Marc:And I've had several of these emails from conservatives basically saying, look, we're disappointed.
Marc:You know, you and I think differently.
Marc:But, you know, I'm a conservative.
Marc:You're you're a liberal or whatever the differences are.
Marc:But they they want to make it clear that they are not on board with this disaster.
Marc:And this guy wrote a very thoughtful, long email about religion, about this and that, this fella named Brandon.
Marc:But this paragraph I thought I would share with you.
Marc:I wrote this email to let you know not all conservatives support this idiot and I won't allow myself to vote for him.
Marc:Although I also see Hillary as a bad choice, I don't see how I can't vote for her based on the fact that I cannot support Trump because he is outright prejudiced and I see him as a severe setback for America in general.
Marc:I'm not the only one who feels this way.
Marc:I plan on raising my children in a world where they can look around and see everyone treated fairly and receiving their treatment based on the decisions that they make as a person and not their skin color, place of origin, sexual preference, geographical location, or religious beliefs.
Marc:I realize that's a pipe dream, but it would be a good world if we all took on the UBU and let me be me tone to things that aren't harmful to anyone's health and well-being.
Marc:I just read that section because I think it's an important sentiment.
Marc:I think it's a very important sentiment to try to think about not your anger that may or may not be because of America, but to make a decision that may have some bearing on the future well-being of the country and the people in it and not let the worst of us dictate what the rest of us will be subject to.
Marc:Now, look, before I bring Bobby into the conversation, Bobby Kelly, I got to tell you, I love Robert Kelly.
Marc:He's appeared on my television show.
Marc:He's also appeared on Louie's show.
Marc:He's obviously in sex and drugs and rock and roll.
Marc:He's a great comedian and a very sweet man.
Marc:And, you know, I think the sweet man part gets lost because he's such a character.
Marc:But, man, he's always been a nice guy, big heart, and just a... He's helped me a lot in my life just by being who he is.
Marc:And nobody fucking kills harder than this fucker.
Marc:On stage, he's a fucking killer.
Marc:And he's honest, and he's filthy, and it's beautiful.
Marc:And I was thrilled to have him on.
Marc:It took a while to get him in here just for, you know, because he lives on the East Coast.
Marc:But...
Marc:I, this is great.
Marc:It's great.
Marc:I love talking to guys.
Marc:I like talking to Bobby and we don't get to talk enough.
Marc:It's funny before I bring up Bobby, like, you know, a lot of times I don't do much.
Marc:I don't socialize much, but you know, for the first time in a long time, I went over to Bill Burr's house and we had a cigar just, you know, like in the afternoon, me and Bill out on his deck, smoked a cigar, had a nice two hour conversation about life, the future, career, uh,
Marc:Stuff.
Marc:Family stuff.
Marc:And it was nice.
Marc:It was off the clock.
Marc:And we had a nice time.
Marc:We're going to try to do a little more.
Marc:As I said before, the finale of Sex and Drugs and Rock and Roll premieres, well, it doesn't premiere.
Marc:It airs Thursday, September 1st.
Marc:That's this Thursday on FX.
Marc:This is me and Robert Bobby Kelly.
Marc:you like knives and mid-century furniture i love knives i think it's all all the shit is from my childhood i think well that was what cool shit was like a buck knife was the coolest fucking thing like my dad had a buck knife and i was like go ahead
Guest:buck knife and he wouldn't let you touch it nope and then every once in a while right my grandfather i didn't yeah i didn't have my dad but my grandfather would let me whittle some shit with his buck knife yeah like a cross yeah or you know yeah only religious items yeah no he um yeah i remember i used to i've loved knives ever since i love and buck knives are the best
Marc:That's what I hear.
Marc:They make fancy artisanal blacksmith knives now.
Guest:I have one.
Guest:You have a fancy one?
Guest:I had a really great knife maker make me a custom hunting knife.
Guest:Really?
Guest:Yeah, I got on a YouTube spiral one night.
Guest:The end of the world, and I learned how to make fire, and what animals to hunt, and how to field dress a deer.
Guest:Oh, really?
Guest:Yeah, I just spent probably around 12 hours.
Marc:But field dressing a deer, that's something I would think you'd have to try once or twice to get the hang up.
Marc:I don't think you could just watch a YouTube thing.
Guest:i watched probably three hours of field dressing deers i know that right now if we killed a deer you hit one with your car you could i could feel i could field dress that deer yeah i didn't know like inside your you're connected through your throat yeah and your asshole and everything in the middle is just hanging in there yeah so if you cut the throat and the asshole yeah you just pull everything else out right
Guest:I didn't know that.
Guest:I thought it was kind of attached to inside, but it's just- You're just floating in there.
Marc:Your body is just floating this shit.
Marc:What, did you do a, did you look at YouTube's field dressing humans too?
Marc:No, no, no, no.
Guest:Well, it would be the same thing.
Guest:I would just imagine it's the same thing.
Guest:Yeah, probably.
Guest:But it's like, you know, like, you always think like the end of the world, every movie, the guy goes out and gets- Yeah.
Guest:Just goes and kills a deer.
Guest:Right.
Guest:Immediately.
Guest:Right.
Guest:It's like, that's the dumbest shit ever, unless you have like a tribe to feed.
Guest:Right.
Guest:You want to go kill like a little squirrel.
Marc:Just to eat for then.
Guest:Just to eat for a couple days.
Marc:But what about did you learn how to make jerky and cure shit and smoke?
Guest:Yeah, you smoke it.
Marc:Right, so maybe a deer would be a good idea if you fucking saw one, even if it wasn't a tribe.
Guest:Yeah, but dude, I'm going to smoke fucking 100 pounds of deer meat for me and my wife and my three-year-old.
Guest:It sounds like a smart thing to do.
Guest:I was thinking of people, like if the apostle does come, the apocalypse comes, like who goes immediately?
Marc:Oh, you mean if the biblical apocalypse comes or just in general?
Guest:Zombie apocalypse in general.
Guest:What a biblical, it's just over.
Guest:We have to go to like right now, no electricity, no...
Marc:Oh, you mean who doesn't make it immediately because they freak out?
Guest:No, it's just like you add nothing.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:You add nothing.
Guest:You don't hunt.
Guest:You're fucking sense of humor.
Guest:You're not saying immediately.
Guest:You're saying the first few months.
Guest:First few months, it's like, dude, your sense of humor just doesn't exist anymore.
Guest:It's not going to get you anywhere.
Guest:Nothing's funny anymore.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:You can't charm people.
Guest:Your setup punch tag was great and that you know math was awesome, but there's no more money.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:and and no one's no one's looking for a laugh i told like noam the owner of the comedy cellar yeah yeah yeah dies immediately we just we cut his throat yeah oh so that's how they go well we're the deciders well what are we what are we gonna need around to debate no i know but but like you know why can't he live and you know maybe it may we live at the cellar what if we have to we don't live in the cell the cellar's gone
Marc:Oh, so the city goes.
Guest:This is pretty specific.
Guest:The city's taken over by homeless people.
Marc:So we're out in the woods like we're supposed to be.
Marc:Homeless people take over the city.
Marc:Well, if you remember- Everyone's going to be homeless, though, right?
Guest:The blackout.
Guest:Remember the blackout?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:A couple years after September 11th, there was this blackout in New York City, right?
Guest:Yeah, I remember.
Guest:All over, right?
Guest:And around, I called my wife and we had this plan.
Guest:And I was like, look, anything happens in the city, you walk the fuck home from wherever you are.
Guest:I stay home.
Guest:If you're home, you stay there.
Guest:And that's where we meet.
Guest:So the blackout happens.
Guest:I go home.
Guest:You walked?
Guest:Yeah, I was close.
Guest:So I walked.
Guest:So I stopped.
Guest:There was a couple of delis giving away free ice creams because the fridges were out.
Guest:So I stopped a couple of times.
Marc:Oh, so this is before you lived in the country.
Guest:Yeah, this is when I lived in House Kitchen.
Guest:And I call her.
Guest:I go, where are you?
Guest:She goes, I'm downtown.
Guest:We're having margaritas downtown.
Guest:I'm like, do you remember the fucking plan?
Guest:She goes, what plan?
Guest:I go, it's a blackout.
Guest:She goes, so what?
Guest:I go, fucking planes went into a building.
Guest:yeah in walking distance from what i go get the fuck home so she walks home right and and all of a sudden the city started going to chaos yeah like regular squares pedestrians were directing traffic yeah because people were almost getting murdered by other car you know other people driving that's what i love about new york people fucking step in people like there's no other city like that right somebody goes down three guys are like what's the problem what happened who's go tell a guy
Marc:You know what?
Guest:Don't tell it, God.
Guest:But it happens immediately.
Guest:I love that about New York.
Guest:But here's what happens at night with no lights.
Guest:You know what New York City becomes?
Guest:What?
Guest:Fucking New Hampshire.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Yeah?
Guest:Dude, there's no- Nobody's out.
Guest:Dude, there's no lights and no electricity in New York.
Guest:Yeah, nothing to do.
Guest:You can't see your hand in front of your face.
Guest:It's fucking New Hampshire.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:It's like being in the White Mountains, okay?
Guest:Right.
Guest:Now, all of a sudden, who is-
Guest:Fine in those conditions.
Guest:Homeless people, dude.
Guest:We walked up to 9th Ave or 8th from our... We lived on 43rd and 10th or 11th.
Guest:And we walked two blocks.
Guest:There was a barrel on fire and homeless guys just walking around grabbing titties and grabbing ass.
Guest:Just coming up and going, yeah.
Guest:That's all you heard was, yeah.
Guest:And then, oh!
Yeah.
Guest:My friend's chick just starts screaming.
Guest:She's like, somebody just grabbed my vagina.
Guest:Like a guy walked up.
Guest:Out of the dark?
Guest:In the darkness and just grabbed a vag.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And went.
Guest:And that's it.
Guest:And actually like gave that little.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:So I was like, we're out.
Guest:We're going home.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:It was crazy.
Guest:And we had to.
Guest:We lived on the fifth floor.
Guest:Thank God for fucking.
Guest:I didn't have enough money to live.
Guest:There was people that lived on the 40th floor of our building.
Guest:Oh.
Guest:That there was no lights in the hallways.
Marc:And no elevator.
Guest:No elevator.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:40 floors.
Guest:And then you're stuck up there.
Marc:So now you live in the country, though.
Guest:I bought a house, yeah.
Marc:Is there deer up there?
Marc:Yeah, we have deer.
Marc:We have rabbit.
Marc:So now that you did this research, have you gone hunting?
Guest:No, no, I don't know if I could kill a deer.
Marc:Right.
Guest:I'd only kill something if I had to.
Marc:Right.
Guest:I fly fish.
Guest:Yeah, all right.
Guest:I do that.
Guest:I lip hurt.
Guest:I let them go back.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:I don't fucking keep it.
Marc:Is that what it's called?
Marc:Lip hurt?
Marc:Lip hurting.
Marc:I thought that killed him.
Marc:It doesn't kill him?
Marc:No, no, no, no, no.
Guest:You hook him and let him go?
Guest:You pinch off the hook.
Marc:Oh, so it just stays in there?
Guest:No, it's like they have a better chance of getting the fuck off.
Guest:It's harder to fish like that.
Marc:Why don't you keep them and eat them?
Guest:I don't want to eat them.
Marc:Why not?
Marc:What's the point?
Marc:Just the sport of sitting there with the fly going back and forth, giving a little line, dropping the fly so the line just floats down back to you.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:That's the meditation of it.
Marc:I've done that shit.
Marc:I've tied flies, motherfucker.
Guest:I did too.
Marc:All right.
Guest:There's something about that.
Guest:There is.
Guest:There's something about being in the water, even having your line in a knot and just untying that knot for 40 minutes while everybody else is fishing.
Guest:Everybody else is catching fish around you and you're just sitting there quietly untying this impossible knot.
Marc:That's a good day fishing for you?
Marc:I don't mind it.
Marc:That just sounded like I'd be watching other people catch fish going, fuck, fuck.
Guest:and like you know thinking that like when i got my line in the fish would be gone i do that in this business that's what i do in show business i just sit there and go fuck he's got a fish fuck she's got nine fishes fuck you get she's got 10 000 fishes and i have a big knot in front of me that i'm trying to untie for 20 something years maybe that's the show
Marc:Bob Kelly enticed nuts.
Guest:Dude, I'm literally at that point in my career where I'm thinking of these weird, like, okay, maybe I can just go and, you know, redo furniture, like find furniture.
Marc:Oh, it's great to think that shit, isn't it?
Marc:It's scary.
Marc:I guess it's scary, you know, because when I like my when I was thinking about that and I think about it now from a different perspective, like because I'm making a few bucks and I think of it more in terms of like I'd not I'd like to not work.
Marc:But when I was desperate, you know, in the darkness, I could never think I could not come up with one thing that I could make a living doing.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Like maybe teach, try to get a writing job from a buddy.
Guest:Yeah, that's what petrifies me.
Guest:Well, you know what's weird?
Guest:It's like, I remember seeing you at the cellar, sad, eating ice cream a lot.
Marc:Yeah, with the chocolate cake.
Guest:Yeah, I remember that.
Guest:I remember it made me happy.
Guest:Because not that you were sad, but that somebody that I knew felt the same way I felt.
Guest:You know what I mean?
Guest:Like somebody that I never thought you should feel that way.
Guest:Right.
Guest:Because in my eyes, you were one of the chosen ones.
Guest:Right.
Guest:You were one of the chosen people.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Especially when I came to New York.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And then when I saw you sad, it made me happy because I feel fucked.
Guest:You know what I mean?
Yeah.
Guest:I felt really happy for you.
Guest:Like when you popped off, I remember when you gave your speech at.
Guest:Oh yeah.
Guest:And I was like, oh my God, he, he did it.
Guest:He, you came out of the fucking rubble.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:You know what I mean?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And reached up and grabbed a stick and pulled yourself.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:You know what I mean?
Guest:It's like, uh, I mean, it must feel that feeling.
Guest:I don't like, what does it feel to actually get pulled out of that?
Um,
Marc:It's hard to process because I feel like, here's what, and I've said it before, but the one thing guys like me and you, and I think we have a lot in common for whatever fucking reason, because we're both sick fucks in a way, but the ongoing insecurity of not having success and keep trying and sitting there looking at friends and like,
Marc:fuck how the fuck did that guy and then you don't like him and you don't you're not happy when other people get successful the bitterness like when i finally found my little place and it seemed to have an impact like i did something relevant to people that people enjoyed i'm making a living and i think it's an honest living that filled in is something in my self-esteem that that that can only happen that way yeah
Marc:Cause I had sort of resigned the fact that like I'm fucked and I'm going to be a sad motherfucker for the rest of my life and I'm not going to make it.
Marc:So when I started to, to sort of, and that was on my own terms made a big difference too.
Marc:But so that thing where I'm like financial insecurity is a little better.
Marc:And just the fact that I had to achieve something, just the fucking thing that I achieved something on my own terms.
Marc:I feel good about that.
Marc:That part of my self-esteem got shored up.
Marc:Right.
Marc:Right.
Guest:Yeah, but even people say money doesn't matter, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Guest:But it sure does when you can fucking not worry about rent or mortgages.
Guest:Absolutely.
Guest:Yeah, it's like I don't need fucking a trust fund for my kid.
Guest:Right.
Guest:but i would like to not worry about right his food yeah you know what i mean like i would like to not worry about him having to because i was my my i i try you know my childhood was fucked up you know i just remember being fucking sad a lot i remember just being fucking just sad and lonely i remember just being alone yeah all the fucking time where'd you grow up medford
Marc:You grew up in Medford.
Marc:Like, you're a real Boston guy.
Marc:Like, I was trying to remember when I met you.
Marc:I met you, you know, when you had hair on your head.
Marc:I met you at Catch a Rising Star.
Guest:Really?
Guest:In Cambridge?
Guest:First time doing comedy.
Guest:In Cambridge.
Guest:In Cambridge.
Guest:And you had to sign up on a sheet.
Marc:Right, with Robin Horton in the back of the room.
Guest:And there was another guy that looked like you.
Guest:I forget his name.
Marc:Christina.
Guest:Might be out of the business now.
Marc:Christina.
Marc:Maybe.
Marc:Right.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I remember you went on.
Marc:He was a bigger asshole than me.
Guest:Yeah, he was an asshole.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:He was a piece of shit.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And I remember you went on.
Guest:I don't know if he is anymore.
Guest:And you were great.
Guest:And then I went on.
Guest:I had five minutes or something.
Guest:I waited six months for it.
Guest:I waited six months for it.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Five minutes.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Brought my whole family.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And I remember the guy who ran it, is his name Robin?
Guest:Mm-hmm.
Guest:Came up to me and says, listen, tell your family I don't want them laughing too much.
Guest:I don't know.
Guest:What do you mean?
Guest:I go, because I don't want them.
Guest:There's other people going on, and I don't want them just to laugh at you.
Marc:What a fucking monster he was.
Guest:And I go, okay, I don't know how to go up to my family and tell them not to laugh at me.
Guest:So I had to go up to my family and go, hey, guys, make sure you give it up for everybody else, too.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And they were like, huh?
Guest:And I remember the guy introduced me.
Marc:The fact that you, of all people, someone like me, who were cocky assholes, but we even took that instruction at all.
Marc:The right response to that is like, all right, and then like, shut the fuck up.
Marc:What does that even mean?
Marc:But you're like, all right.
Marc:I better figure out how to frame it for my family that they'll understand.
Guest:Well, because I can't.
Guest:Look, I can't make this.
Guest:It takes me three days.
Guest:I need three days to make any decision.
Guest:Me too.
Guest:What is that, man?
Guest:If someone comes up to me like that and does that to me, if you give me three days and a time machine, I can go back to him and go, you know what?
Guest:Go fuck yourself.
Guest:I'm not doing that.
Guest:My family's here to support me.
Guest:Fuck you and leave.
Guest:Right.
Guest:Right.
Guest:If you give me three days.
Guest:But I cannot make a decision in a moment.
Guest:I cannot.
Guest:That's why I admire Patrice could have an opinion in a little seconds.
Guest:Just be like, that's bullshit.
Guest:And I'm like, how do you know that?
Guest:How do you know it's bullshit?
Guest:Because it kind of makes sense.
Guest:He said, you know what?
Guest:I don't want the other comics to feel bad.
Guest:Maybe he's right.
Guest:Maybe I'm wrong.
Guest:Am I wrong?
Marc:Right, because there's a part of us that are people pleasers.
Guest:I'm a fucking hero.
Guest:Yeah, because I never had somebody telling me, hey, fuck that or fuck them.
Guest:Right.
Guest:One way or the other.
Guest:I never had a male figure or an adult tell me, be something.
Guest:Like I see my kid now, my three-year-old.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And he acts like me.
Guest:Right.
Guest:He does what I do.
Guest:Right.
Guest:So good or bad.
Right.
Guest:he's going to be influenced by me and his decision making is going to be do you have you gone out of your way to do it differently yeah dude every it's a constant every day i think about it so wait so you oh your dad wasn't around well my dad my original dad wasn't around where'd he go
Guest:It's so weird.
Guest:He was in Vietnam.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:My mom had my sister when she was 15, had me when she was 18.
Guest:Really?
Guest:Irish Catholic home.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:So she pretty much, you know.
Guest:She was a kid.
Guest:She was a kid, yeah.
Guest:Yeah, she was fucking around in a bush.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:You know what I mean?
Guest:Is that what happened?
Guest:Well, I don't know, but I would imagine it wasn't very romantic.
Guest:Right, right, right.
Guest:They're probably banging in the back of a Monte Carlo or something.
Marc:Your dad, the Vietnam vet, and your 18-year-old mom.
Guest:Well, he went to Vietnam while I was born.
Guest:He came back all fucked up.
Guest:Oh, really?
Guest:And him and my mom, you know, there's two sides to the story.
Guest:How old are you?
Guest:I'm 45.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Yeah, so I never knew them.
Guest:They were gone.
Guest:She moved back in with my grandmother, so there was 13 of us living in a three-bedroom.
Marc:With your grandmother.
Guest:Yeah, so me, my mother, and my sister were on a mattress on the floor in my Uncle Sean's room.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Next to a weight bench.
Guest:You know?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:My other Uncle Tommy was on the sun porch.
Guest:My other uncle was in a closet.
Guest:The other two were down in the basement.
Guest:What the fuck?
Guest:My aunt shared a bedroom, and then my grandmother and grandfather had a bedroom.
Guest:And my great grandmother was there for a minute, but then she passed away.
Marc:So just out of necessity.
Guest:I think they killed her.
Guest:I think they needed the room.
Guest:I think one of the uncles took her out.
Marc:But so that's how that's your early childhood memories.
Guest:But that was great.
Guest:I remember those times.
Guest:It was great.
Guest:At least there's people around.
Guest:But then, yeah, it was great.
Guest:My uncles are fucking great.
Guest:I mean, they were just amazing.
Guest:I remember my uncle would always bring me a cupcake home or something.
Guest:When I woke up from a nap, there was always like a little treat or something.
Guest:Mm-hmm.
Guest:My one uncle was smart.
Guest:I remember Tommy was smart.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I remember David knew how to make bow and arrows and fight.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:My uncle Jimmy and my uncle Michael was cool with the women.
Guest:My uncle Jimmy was the businessman.
Guest:Right.
Guest:My uncle Sean was like the cop, the blue collar dude.
Guest:So it was like I had five fathers right there.
Guest:And then you had my grandfather who was greatest generation, World War II.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Coolest motherfucker ever.
Guest:Had a garden, knew how to grow shit, knew how to fix shit, could talk forever, you know?
Guest:I had that there.
Guest:My grandmother was the best.
Guest:My two aunts, awesome.
Guest:All Irish?
Guest:All Irish Catholic.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And then my mother met this fucking dude, Billy.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And she got married to this fucking savage.
Guest:Yeah.
Yeah.
Guest:this fucking guy who should never been around children right who and then we she got married like that and i thought it was great i thought it was amazing i remember you liked the guy at first dude he was so fucking great he parted his hair to the side he had a mustache you know he had like a nice car right and i remember we got an apartment and i remember walking in i had my own room yeah and i never had my own room really i never had it
Guest:I remember walking in and looking up at the lamp.
Guest:There was this beautiful, cool lamp hanging from the ceiling, this light fixture.
Guest:And I was like, it looked like a spaceship.
Guest:And I was like, is that mine?
Guest:I remember him going, that's your lamp.
Guest:And I was like, I love this fucking lamp.
Guest:dude i loved it every day i would come in and go that's my lamp yeah i loved it how old were you like four three that was in kindergarten yeah yeah and i remember i had the side room and i had my own tv i had a toy box full of toys this room all this shit i like literally like out of a movie and you it was just you and your sister me my sister my mother my sister had the same thing right across from me
Guest:What'd this guy do?
Guest:He was an insurance adjuster.
Guest:He had one of those fucking wheels with a... Right.
Marc:The measuring wheel?
Guest:Ugh.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:Every time I see those, I fucking... So I remember I was in my room.
Guest:Everything was great.
Guest:I had this little side room with two beanbags and a TV, and I was watching TV one night, and I fell asleep from day to night.
Guest:And I woke up, and it was dark out, and I just heard noise.
Guest:And I got up, and I remember I was so happy.
Guest:I was just so fucking...
Guest:and happy and i remember i walked out i opened the door and i look out and my sister my mother's bent on her knees crying and then my sister's grabbing the phone crying to make a phone call and i remember he wrapped the phone around her head and then threw it at her head and punched my sister in the stomach and then i remember my mother saw me and
Guest:And she ran to get me and she grabbed my sister and we went into my sister's bedroom and I remember I shut the door and I held it shut and he was kicking it.
Guest:It was locked and he was kicking it and kicking it and kicking it and I was just in shock.
Guest:I didn't know what the fuck was happening.
Guest:And I remember he kicked the door open and I went flying against the wall and I fell and I pretended that I was knocked out.
Guest:Because I was so scared.
Guest:I remember just saying, like in my head.
Guest:I'm dead.
Guest:I'm dead.
Guest:Just play dead.
Guest:And I played dead.
Guest:And he looked down at me.
Guest:He goes, don't fucking lock that.
Guest:This is my fucking house.
Guest:And he looked at me.
Guest:He goes, get the fuck up.
Guest:Stop playing.
Guest:I didn't hurt you.
Guest:And I remember my mother screaming at him.
Guest:And that was like the day.
Guest:everything changed.
Marc:That was the day your innocence was over.
Guest:It was done.
Guest:That was the day that I learned that I was introduced to fear.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:That was the day that I was introduced to anger.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And, you know, that was a day that, you know, when being hurt slowly started turning into rage.
Guest:You know what I mean?
Guest:And how long did that go on for?
Guest:It went on until I was in like... I think it was sixth grade.
Guest:She stayed with him that long?
Guest:Yeah, I mean... I don't know why.
Guest:I don't know what the fuck happened.
Guest:It was years of... I remember coming home late and getting punched or thrown down a flight of stairs.
Guest:I remember second grade...
Guest:yeah man i remember second grade coming home being so happy i got miss julian for second grade yeah i don't even know what the fuck that meant they just told you you have miss julian next year and i was like yeah skipping i remember skipping yeah i love skipping yeah and i remember i got home a little late uh because i talked to this one of the poor vecchio sisters rachel who i was in love with yeah this is second grade second grade i fucking was in love with this girl and
Guest:I got home a little late, and then he had to do something, and I was late.
Guest:And then he, you're fucking late.
Guest:And I remember him screaming at me.
Guest:And I remember he hit me in the back of the head, and then he punched me, and I fell down the stairs.
Guest:And nothing.
Guest:Nothing.
Guest:No apology, no nothing.
Guest:No nothing from any.
Guest:Dude, I ran away, I think, that night.
Guest:I remember running away.
Guest:And I didn't know what running away was.
Guest:I remember it was cold out.
Guest:I left.
Guest:I only went like five blocks, and I was at a red light crying.
Guest:And I remember this girl saw me, and I'm a little kid.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I'm a second grader.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Fucking crying at a red light.
Guest:Cold.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:With no jacket.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And I remember she was like, what's wrong?
Guest:And I was like, you know, I'm running away.
Guest:And I remember, you know, she walked me home.
Guest:I remember that.
Guest:She walked me back to my house.
Guest:Back to the bad place.
Guest:Back to the... And my mother was there, and she was, like, crying or whatever.
Guest:She was like, oh, my God.
Guest:And she brought me upstairs.
Yeah.
Guest:I remember she hugged me and loved me, and that's all I wanted.
Guest:I remember she fucking held me, and I was like, oh, my God, thank God.
Guest:You know what I mean?
Guest:And I remember I was underneath the coffee table in the living room, and I was just so happy.
Guest:Like I went from this tragic place, and then she fucking gave me all this love, and then I remember I was just so happy because that's all I wanted.
Guest:And then I remember she was on the phone with a friend, and she was talking, and then when I came home, fuck, it kills me, man.
Guest:when i came home she was like bobby what you know and she's like i love you bobby and i went i went oh mom i love you too and we hugged yeah and we had that moment and then i remember i was under the coffee table and i was so happy and feeling good and he wasn't there and she was on the phone and she was talking to somebody and she was like and then he went oh mom i love you too and she started laughing and
Guest:And I fucking just crumbled.
Guest:Oh, my God.
Guest:I mean, looking back now, she didn't know I was there.
Guest:She was probably telling her friend.
Marc:She probably thought it was cute.
Marc:It wasn't an evil laugh.
Guest:It was just another... Embarrassing.
Guest:It was just like, fuck, you too, you fuck.
Marc:You felt like you were belittled and made fun of.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:I felt... It just killed me, dude.
Guest:It crushed me.
Guest:And I remember... And this is second grade.
Guest:Second grade.
Guest:So then we moved again and slowly but surely... What happened to your sister?
Guest:Is she all right?
Guest:It fucking... It's sad because...
Guest:She's not you know she used to call her fat and stupid and in fact, you know he hit me and He used to call her fat and stupid and what it did between us it separated us because we separated to survive Yeah And I remember if he was making fun of her he wasn't making fun of me right he would always go come on let's go take a ride and
Guest:And I was safe.
Guest:Or vice versa.
Guest:So it separated us.
Guest:She went and kind of went off in her old world and it still fucks her up.
Guest:I love my sister, but we've been trying to reconnect since then.
Guest:Oh, really?
Guest:Yeah, we've been trying to reconnect.
Guest:I think since I got sober, which was like 30 years ago.
Marc:30 years already.
Guest:Yeah, so we still try to talk.
Guest:My sister, she's got kidney disease.
Guest:She got a kidney transplant 17 years ago.
Guest:and uh she uh she it's you know there's a limit on those so she needs a new kidney again yeah you know she called me up the other day crying and you know it's like we're finally starting to connect but there's still this survival yeah yeah you know she's back in boston single she has a beautiful kid that's all grown up now and she's dealing with this kidney stuff and it's like i'm out here and it's fucked up man it literally this fuck this fuck
Marc:Yeah, the pain of it, of seemingly unresolvable emotional pain.
Marc:Because I deal with a little of this with this sort of like, you have these patterns, the shit was set.
Marc:You know what I mean?
Marc:The dynamic is set.
Marc:And you crave something more, you're at an age where you can handle something more, but you just don't know if you can fucking get there with the other person or whatever.
Guest:You can't get that shit back.
Guest:No.
Guest:And it's so funny, too, is that someone just said to me, be as good as you can be with your kid right now.
Guest:If there's something that you do that's stupid, stop doing it.
Guest:If there's something you do that's fucked up, stop it.
Guest:So you think about that all the time?
Guest:All the time, because...
Guest:when he's 16 you can't fix it it's there forever right it's just there well it sounds like when you're two in second grade it's there fuck yeah i remember all that shit my mother because my mother's irish catholic and i love her to death but it's like can't we just move on mom i don't i don't know how to fucking live life
Guest:So I don't know how to, everything I've gotten is through pure willpower.
Guest:Right.
Guest:Pure fucking, just, I'm not going to, it's all hustle.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:But you, she's still around?
Guest:My mother.
Guest:Oh yeah, my whole, that whole side of my family.
Guest:She got remarried.
Guest:After Billy?
Guest:After Billy.
Guest:How long did it take to leave her after she fucked up her kids?
Guest:Five years.
Guest:Five years.
Guest:Five years of destroying the child.
Guest:But here's the thing is I don't think they knew back then what they know.
Guest:I don't think they knew because you think about her life.
Guest:Think about her childhood.
Guest:15 having a kid.
Guest:You get sent away.
Guest:You go to some nun place.
Marc:Did she?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Where were you then?
Guest:Who got you?
Guest:I was 18 when she was 18, and she had to go away again, I think.
Guest:With my sister, she had to go away, and I think with me, she actually moved in with my grandparents.
Marc:Why were all these people living with your grandparents when they had jobs, like a cop and everything else?
Marc:No, that's who they were personality-wise.
Guest:oh okay that's who they were they weren't that then yeah they were just partying fucking teenagers fucking psychopaths but i'm saying like what they gave me right that's right kind of what you know if i was a if i was going to be a superhero yeah yeah that's where i got all my powers from those five they're just a house full of nuts yeah it's it's it's what they actually became in life later in life yeah if you look back that's what they became right right right
Guest:yeah it's it's uh i remember when he um i mean i remember i remember just being fucking scared all the time dude scared of getting beat up scared of getting killed i remember scared of getting fucking killed but you but see this thing is like we do that thing that's this thing we got to tell ourselves that way they didn't know better but you know who the fuck doesn't know that the guy that you married shouldn't beat up your fucking kid for no reason i don't know
Guest:I mean, I'm not trying to.
Guest:No, no, no.
Guest:Because she doesn't remember.
Guest:She wasn't there for some of it.
Marc:They go with the blinders on.
Marc:It's like the people with sexual abuse.
Marc:They know, but they don't know.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Can you empathize for that?
Marc:I mean, you say you love your mother, but I just had this conversation right before you came over here and did a therapy session.
Marc:And the only way, and we're programmed guys, so at some point you got to forgive them, right?
Yeah.
Marc:Yeah, because- To really forgive him.
Guest:You have to forgive him because if not, you're just going to be in hatred forever.
Marc:And repeat it.
Guest:And I'm going to repeat it with my kid.
Guest:That's my biggest fear.
Guest:I have a temper, dude.
Guest:The temper is from him.
Guest:My temper, I'm like this fucking crazy sensitive pussy.
Guest:Yeah, you're a sweet guy.
Guest:But what happens is if I get hurt, I go immediately to anger.
Guest:Me too.
Guest:And that's fear.
Guest:Anger is just hurt.
Guest:That's all it is.
Guest:You're being hurt and it becomes anger because it's safer to flip the fuck out and scare people away from you.
Guest:Than to be sad.
Guest:Yeah, because I don't want to hit anybody.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:But I don't want to be hurt.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:So I learned that.
Guest:I remember the day I learned that is that when he hit me one time and I went and got a knife and I chased him and he actually ran.
Guest:yeah how old were you i was in sixth grade yeah and he he ran i remember he was running away from me for the first time yeah and i chased him around the house with this knife and uh and then my mother grabbed me she's like bobby starting he was like you little fucking psycho you want to stab me go ahead he put his hand out yeah and before he i just went down i was cutting his fucking hand off and he pulled back and he knew that he was like okay this kid's fucking lost it
Guest:yeah yeah and yeah and that was it yeah that was it that was the last memory i have of this guy i don't remember i don't remember anything else from him that was it that was the last time but i in my brain it clicked i was like oh shit if you hurt somebody physically or you flip out yeah or you get angry yeah and you scare them they'll fucking leave
Marc:So what ultimately happened to that guy and your mother?
Marc:Like how did that end?
Marc:She divorced him.
Marc:We moved into- Like in a panic?
Marc:Like we're leaving the house today kind of shit?
Guest:No, no.
Guest:I don't remember.
Guest:I remember it was pretty quick.
Guest:I remember it was pretty fast.
Guest:It's over, divorce.
Guest:But I remember this scumbag, he had money.
Guest:And I remember he came out.
Guest:They were getting divorced.
Guest:He came home one day with Atari when Atari first came out.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Like, you don't have Atari.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And he came home with Atari.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:He just hooked it up.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Started playing.
Guest:Had an extra joystick.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And I remember he was, he came, hey, you want to play?
Guest:And I was playing Adventure.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:You know, with the little dot that went around.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And we were all playing.
Guest:And I remember, yeah, too bad you guys are leaving, you know?
Guest:And I remember my mother came home.
Guest:We were like, Ma, don't leave.
Guest:Maybe we should.
Guest:And he got us.
Guest:He hooked us.
Guest:This fuck.
Marc:Just that easily.
Guest:Yeah, because me and my sisters wanted to fucking be loved.
Marc:Yeah, and play a game.
Guest:Yeah, just be happy and shit.
Guest:And she comes home.
Guest:She grabbed the Atari, fucking smashed it.
Guest:Like, you fuck it.
Guest:And she flipped out on him.
Guest:And then I remember we were gone.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And then that's when she met this guy.
Guest:she met this great guy who she's still married to today, Larry, and he was actually in a marriage, and my mother was in a marriage, and they worked at the same Grossman's Bargain Outlet, or Grossman's, which is a Home Depot back in the day.
Guest:And I think they fooled around a little bit on each other's, or something, I don't know.
Guest:Or maybe it happened and then after they did.
Guest:So I remember he would come over, and he was the fucking greatest guy ever, dude.
Guest:It was like living with Frank Sinatra.
Marc:And he believed it, though.
Marc:It lasted, it stuck.
Guest:Well, I was already gone, dude.
Guest:You were like, yeah.
Guest:Who the fuck is this guy?
Guest:I started drinking at 10.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I started drinking like whiskey.
Guest:At home?
Guest:No, I just was hanging out with this 30-year-old guy named Dickie.
Guest:Well, how does that happen?
Guest:I just met him through this girl, Patty.
Guest:At 10?
Guest:10.
Guest:10.
Guest:I remember 10.
Marc:Do you have any questions about the 30-year-old who's hanging around with a 10-year-old giving him whiskey?
Guest:No, he was a cool guy.
Guest:I remember when we went to his house, and I think his father, they were hoarders or something.
Guest:I remember going to his house, and it was just shit everywhere, and it just smelled like shit.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And then we went in there, and he had that dicky voice.
Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest:I drank so much fuck.
Guest:I remember drinking pints of 7-7 and just being by a barrel with him and Patty.
Guest:Who's Patty?
Guest:Patty's just this blonde chick that- How old was she?
Guest:She was probably 15.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:She was 15.
Guest:He was 30.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I was 10.
Guest:Drinking around a barrel.
Guest:He wanted to fuck Patty.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:patty fooled around with me but patty was dating this tough fucking 19 year old but you were 10 10 she fooled around when you were 10 yeah we kissed right we kissed yeah we kissed this is not a healthy environment for in any by any stretch of the imagination i had nowhere to go man i'm not judging you i'm just saying that like you know that how these people all found each other who the fuck knows well if you think of it it was like this was in medford
Guest:Well, we had moved out of the house.
Guest:No more toy box.
Guest:No more room.
Guest:We moved into a two bedroom.
Guest:My mother slept on the living room floor now because we don't have any more money.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Because Billy's gone.
Guest:Right.
Guest:So we live in this shit apartment.
Marc:But you got the guy who works at Grossman's.
Guest:well he starts coming over but it was by it was like almost like a year they started hooking up yeah and in that year i started drinking i started doing some drugs and i started hanging out with these people just like on the corner shit in a way yeah it was like they became like they gave were they in the complex no no no it wasn't a car it was like you know it was medford so it was like you know fucking blue collar right shit and yeah
Guest:Yeah, I hung out with this kid, Dickie, and Scott, and they drank, and I just started drinking.
Guest:I remember I hated drinking.
Guest:I just did it because they did it, and I was alone.
Guest:I was fucking alone a lot.
Guest:For around three months when we moved, I had no friends.
Guest:I didn't have one person in my life.
Guest:I would wake up in the morning and go in the basement.
Guest:We had this fucking dusty old basement.
Guest:There was three families living in this home.
Guest:And I would go in the basement and I built this little bedroom on the floor with a blanket, a pillow.
Guest:And I remember I would go down there and I would bring my lunch.
Guest:I would go out the front door.
Guest:All right, I'm going to school, sixth grade, and then go around the back and go in the basement and just curl up in a ball and sleep all day until around 2 o'clock, 2.15, and then I'd come home.
Guest:I'd just come out the back door and just be like, hey.
Guest:Oh, so sad.
Guest:It was fucking pretty.
Guest:I remember being there and just lying there all day on the ground and the sun was coming through and just sitting there and just fucking being sad.
Marc:It was all beating out of you and all this fucking change and weirdness and you're drinking and you can't relate to other kids and shit.
Guest:Well, yeah.
Guest:Well, that's what happens is three months of that, you know, just being sad and lonely.
Guest:And then I met these people.
Marc:Dickie and Patty.
Guest:Dickie and then Scott and Dickie Sewell.
Guest:And all of a sudden, these guys wanted to be with me every day.
Guest:They would come to my house.
Guest:My doorbell rang and they became my family.
Guest:That became my father figure.
Guest:Dickie and Scott.
Guest:Dickie, the little Dickie.
Guest:There was big Dickie and little Dickie.
Marc:Little Dickie was age appropriate.
Marc:Age appropriate.
Marc:And big Dickie was the leader.
Guest:big dicky uh yeah big dicky was he well he was a separate guy right yeah i started hanging out with the dick regular age appropriate dicky little dicky yeah little dicky and and scott kelly yeah we started hanging out and then i left big dicky and patty oh good yeah but you're all drinking now
Guest:We were drinking a lot, man.
Guest:We would drink every day.
Guest:Every fucking day.
Guest:We would try to get booze.
Marc:Did it make you feel better?
Guest:The drinking didn't.
Guest:The actual, the friendship did.
Guest:Right.
Guest:Yeah, the actual, somebody fucking having my back did.
Guest:You know, somebody actually wanting to be around me did.
Marc:So what the fuck happens?
Marc:So you're 10 years old, you're already drinking every day.
Marc:And so you get sober at 15.
Marc:Is that what you're saying?
Guest:Yeah, I went to... Well, it just... You know, I kind of always upped my friends.
Guest:Right.
Guest:So it's kind of like this business.
Guest:You keep upping your coattails.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:You know what I mean?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Like, you know, you make more famous friends and all of a sudden you're hanging out with fucking the holy grail of famous people and you're like, oh my God, you know?
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:I think that happens in friendships too.
Guest:Like when you're younger, it's like...
Guest:For different reasons.
Guest:Well, back- The holy grail is not that holy.
Guest:Well, my goal was to hang out with the toughest, meanest guys.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Because that was the safest place for me to be.
Guest:Right.
Guest:So, when I got an opportunity to hang out with this other group of guys from South Medford or whatever, I remember-
Guest:Yeah, it was so funny that it was Frankie Policastro.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:It was like the Fonz.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:He's just the coolest fucking kid.
Guest:How old are you now, 12?
Guest:Yeah, I'm around 12 going on 13, and I meet Frankie.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And he's got blonde hair, Italian guy, leather jacket, wife beater, smoking cigarettes.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And then I met Jake Agliardi, fucking coolest motherfucker ever.
Guest:He's from the Italian family.
Guest:His big older brother, two older brothers were just fucking, just gorgeous human beings.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Like that Italian.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Holy shit.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:men yeah yeah and then i met uh mikey dots yeah and mikey oh yeah and it was like it was like out of a movie dude it was like being in a michael mann film or something you know yeah and here i am the they took me in and they were like come on i would hang out with these guys
Guest:you got no dad that adds to all this you need these role models right well at this time she's seeing now she's seeing larry but you like larry but still in terms i'm done i'm gone right in terms of real real guidance and shit that those days are over i think if larry was my father and i've said this to him before he is my i would say he is my dad right you know what i mean but if he was my father from when i was a kid you'd be i wouldn't be here
Guest:I would have some fucking great little job back in Boston.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I'd have a triple-decker.
Guest:My sister would live on one of the fucking apartments.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I'd have an above-ground pool.
Guest:Right.
Guest:We'd have parties and barbecues.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:We'd probably go to the Cape in the summer.
Guest:Right.
Guest:Oh, yeah.
Guest:My life would be fucking ... I would not be here.
Guest:I wouldn't fucking have anything to do with this shit business.
Yeah.
Guest:At all.
Guest:Not fucking one bit.
Marc:Just bad timing.
Marc:Larry had bad timing.
Guest:Dude, the first... I remember he came over one night.
Guest:Right when I started hanging out with Dickie and Scott and I started drinking and I started getting into it.
Guest:I remember I'm with him and he's teaching me how to make chicken soup.
Mm-hmm.
Guest:and he's sitting there in the kitchen.
Marc:What, boiling the chicken?
Guest:You cook the chicken and the vegetables and you boil the stock and then you put the vegetables and then you put the chicken and you let it simmer and I remember we spent like hours making this and he's Frank Sinatra's on and he's teaching me about all this old music and I was like, this is it.
Guest:This is my, I've been waiting for this guy.
Yeah.
Guest:And then the doorbell rings and it's Dickie and Scott.
Guest:And they're like, let's go.
Guest:And I was like, I didn't want to.
Guest:I really didn't, man.
Guest:I was like, I don't want to.
Guest:I want to stay with this guy.
Guest:I want to eat chicken soup.
Guest:We just spent three hours making this soup.
Guest:yeah and dickie's like i know where they want to go they got they want to go to the tracks and go get into trouble and drink and yeah fucking be idiots yeah but i was like i don't want to go yeah and then and i was like do you guys want some soup and they were like yeah i was like really and they're like yeah all right and larry was like come on in guys let's have some soup right
Guest:And he brought them in and he gave us all soup.
Guest:And I remember we were sitting there in the kitchen eating soup and Larry's talking to these kids.
Guest:He's like, so where are you guys from?
Guest:And, you know, that's great.
Guest:Be a nice guy, yeah.
Guest:It was great.
Guest:And then we were like, all right, let's go.
Guest:And we left.
Guest:And then we drank a bottle of whiskey and we all threw up the soup.
Guest:I remember we were just on the track going, projectile of vomiting, fucking the best chicken soup I've ever had.
Guest:It was just fucking everywhere.
Guest:But that was the battle, right?
Yeah.
Marc:You know, like that was, you know, sort of like it's interesting, though, that the pressure of that, that like, you know, that this is a safer place.
Marc:It's a better place.
Marc:There's more to be gained.
Marc:It's a healthier place.
Marc:But you got these monsters with the fucking all of you have these little monster hearts.
Marc:that are full of anger and sadness and that's the pull like you don't want to be uncool well if i say no to them who you got what if he goes yeah what if larry goes right and larry's not you know and also like you know he's still an older guy he's still like a grown-up you know you still want to be a kid right
Guest:Yeah, I want to be a kid, I want friends, but I also... I don't know what to do.
Guest:I don't know what to do.
Guest:What's the right thing?
Guest:No one ever fucking taught me.
Marc:I know, I know.
Guest:No one ever said... This is how you live.
Guest:Go with your instincts.
Guest:Right.
Guest:you know what uh it's okay to fail no one ever said uh you know uh you know do what you want to do i mean i don't know what to do it's like i don't want to i don't want them not like me but i don't want larry not to like me i don't want nobody not to like me because if people don't like you yeah if people don't like you then you feel like shit right if everybody likes you even if it's fake yeah even if it's fucking a sham yeah
Guest:right yeah you can feel good you can at least not think about them hence stand-up yes that one twat in the front who doesn't laugh and it's like why why why everybody else is fucking finding me amusing yeah but you don't like me well you know what sometimes i've found they're just sort of like they're sitting there going oh christ did i leave the toaster on oh he's got nothing to fucking do with
Guest:Oh, dude, I yelled at a lady one time in the crowd.
Guest:She was on her phone, and I screamed at her.
Guest:I go, you know what?
Guest:Fuck you.
Guest:I'm fucking up here.
Guest:Everybody's having a good time.
Guest:You're on your fucking dumb phone.
Guest:And she goes, Bobby, I love you.
Guest:It's just my daughter got into an accident.
Guest:And I was like, oh, God.
Guest:The whole crowd just shut down.
Guest:The fucking oxygen left the room.
Guest:And I went, is she okay?
Guest:She's like, I don't know.
Guest:She starts crying.
Guest:And I'm like, oh, my God.
Guest:Now I got to go back into some fucking- How far are we into the shit?
Marc:How far are we-
Guest:dude i was probably 30 minutes into my show i had a half hour left yeah and it was just no recovery she's just crying and i was almost crying i was like you should you know did she go she had to go and she left and she wound up being okay yeah and then she came back in i was like you know now it's like she was just sitting there and her eyes were still red yeah from crying but she found out that she was okay i thought it was all right yeah she was all right
Marc:It's one of those great moments as a comic where you learn something.
Marc:You're not sure what, but it's not necessarily going to stop you from saying, what are you on your fucking phone for?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:For whatever reason, I didn't know you when you started, really.
Marc:When we started to sort of connect at the cellar or whatever,
Marc:You always saw right through me and there was a sensitivity.
Marc:I always felt like crying every time I saw you.
Marc:Because I'd be like, you'd just look at me and go like, what?
Marc:What's the matter?
Marc:Because I knew you knew the score and there was some sort of connection where I knew you were a very sensitive guy.
Marc:I was always just shy of losing my shit around you just emotionally.
Marc:I don't know what that was.
Marc:Do you know what that is?
Marc:Well, I don't know.
Marc:Do you know what I'm talking about?
Guest:Yeah, I do, because I've always liked you.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Like, even when people were like, fuck Marc Maron.
Guest:Right.
Guest:We're a fucking asshole.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I'd be like, I just, I like him.
Guest:Yeah, yeah.
Guest:I just, because like I said, I would see you there.
Marc:Right.
Marc:You know when sensitive people, that's the weird thing is like, because I'm like that.
Marc:I don't know if you're like that.
Marc:You seem a little more magnanimous than me.
Marc:Like, there's not a lot of people that think you're an asshole.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:But for me, I did have a sort of disposition, but you would see right through it anyways.
Marc:You're just one of those guys.
Guest:I knew you were always a really sweet guy.
Guest:I just knew you were a nice guy.
Guest:That's why I go to see you at the ice cream of being sad and fucked up and all that shit that happened to you.
Guest:That's what drew me to you because I said, oh, good, man.
Guest:You're fucked up and I'm fucked up too right now.
Guest:Well, not right now.
Guest:I'm okay now, but I've been where you're at.
Guest:a lot you know yeah but sometimes i think dude like i think of you having like i don't have that reputation but maybe i should right no maybe i should be more of a dick maybe i should be more of like is that me being uh just fucking i don't have an a what the fuck am i doing that more people don't hate me
Marc:No, that's I don't think that's true.
Marc:I mean, I don't even think for me it was opinions.
Marc:It was really just fear and defensiveness and assuming I was always preemptively hostile because I always thought, you know what I mean?
Marc:Like everybody was, you know, kind of judging me like I was paranoid a little bit and really kind of.
Marc:hypersensitive we just did a different thing with it I wanted to keep people out you wanted to let people in you know like I just like I'm still have a hard time with that accepting love or wanting to be liked like because you think as a comic all we want to do is be liked but I fight that I literally like that's the challenge why do you fight it because I'm afraid that like if I open up like that that I'm just going to fucking disappear it's a weird thing
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I'm afraid that every time I do it, every single person I've ever allowed in my life has left me.
Guest:Every person that I was fucking ultimately close with has fucking has left me.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Especially male figures.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:The only person that's ever stayed with me is my wife through thick and thin.
Guest:You know, there's a couple of... I have like a few friends in comedy and outside of comedy.
Yeah.
Marc:But everybody else... There's a group of guys that would never fucking leave you.
Marc:There's a core group of dudes that... It's very funny about that whole cellar crew.
Marc:Even when I go back, I feel like a closeness.
Marc:It's not like everyone's in touch every day.
Marc:But I bet you most of those guys, like Colin or Jimmy or those guys, right?
Guest:I talk to Colin pretty much every day.
Guest:Right.
Marc:Like, you know, they would show up for you no matter what.
Guest:I think so.
Guest:I think Keith and Colin.
Guest:Keith.
Marc:Oh, yeah.
Guest:But here's the problem.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And I got to find some way.
Guest:And I hope, I know it's through my kid or my family that I've created.
Guest:Because now I've, my therapist is like, you know, one day he's like, stop bitching about your dad.
Yeah.
Guest:Which one?
Guest:He's like, you're never getting one.
Marc:Which one?
Marc:Oh, in general?
Guest:He goes, you're never getting a dad.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:You're never getting one.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:The opportunity's gone.
Guest:It's never going to happen.
Guest:It's harsh but true.
Guest:He goes, you're the dad.
Marc:Right.
Guest:So just be the fucking dad.
Marc:And also do it to yourself too.
Marc:Parent yourself.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:Right.
Guest:Which is, I'm just fucking learning that parent your fucking self.
Guest:How do you, how do you fucking do that?
Guest:Like, how do you, and it's like, you're never going to get the friendship.
Guest:I'm, I've never gotten the friendship that I wanted.
Guest:You never get the friendship a hundred percent that you want.
Marc:That's why I liked you.
Marc:That's why we're connected because, and I used to do this, like there was one moment in my life, you know, Chuck Scar.
Guest:Yeah.
Yeah.
Marc:So we started together, right?
Marc:And Chuck's like the most kind of like, you know, kind of like hyperly, you know, kind of rigid-y kind of, you know, not the most emotional guy.
Marc:You know what I mean?
Marc:But I decided that he was my friend, you know, at some point when we were starting out, like Catch a Rising Star days.
Marc:And I just like, but when I got a friend, when I decide you're my friend, that's a burden.
Marc:I'm a lot to handle.
Marc:You know what I mean?
Marc:Like, I got a lot of expectations, a lot of needs.
Yeah.
Marc:So one time I just lost my shit on Chuck, who's just emotionally myopic.
Marc:It's one frequency.
Marc:And I'm like, you're not a fucking friend.
Marc:And he literally says, you have a very expansive personality.
Marc:And I thought it was a very nice way of sort of encapsulating that.
Marc:Like, you know, when I commit to a friendship, I'm like, you got to be my dad.
Marc:You got to be my friend.
Marc:You got to be there.
Marc:And it's exhausting.
Marc:How are you going to keep a friend like that?
Guest:You know what?
Guest:You say that.
Guest:I've never put it into words, but it is true.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:If you're my friend, you have to be a lot of shit.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:And you're a lot to handle.
Guest:And you have to have Navy SEAL loyalty.
Guest:Right.
Guest:It has to be military grade loyalty to me.
Guest:You know what I mean?
Guest:And if you fail at that whatsoever.
Guest:Fuck you.
Guest:Fucking you don't give a fuck.
Guest:Right.
Marc:If there's a few days.
Marc:Then they get that part of you.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:And they don't even know what you're talking about.
Marc:Yes.
Marc:Because they're just normal people.
Marc:Yeah.
Yeah.
Guest:three days you know you don't talk to some guy for three days you're like what the fuck and he's like what are you talking about and then you're like oh nothing you're cool you still love me it's like fuck it took me a long time to get that it's fucking it's but it's i'm starting to figure it out but i dude i don't know is it i don't know how to get rid of dude i've done fucking you know meditation i've
Guest:I don't know what the fuck it is.
Guest:I just don't know if I'm fixable.
Guest:I just want somebody to go, come here.
Guest:I just want a sensei.
Guest:You know when you see these kung fu movies or these karate movies where this guy grabs somebody and just goes, wax on, wax on.
Guest:I just want somebody to teach me how to fucking wax on and wax off.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I just want a fucking sensei to teach me how to be a fucking like a professional adult, you know, just to be able to handle shit.
Guest:And because I try to teach myself, but I always fail.
Guest:That's the one thing, too, is that you look at how the fuck could I be sad because I'm touring.
Guest:I'm making good money as a comic.
Marc:You're funny as fuck too.
Marc:That's the other thing that we neglect to say.
Marc:It's pretty apparent if people are listening that don't know you is that you're very honest, very fucking real.
Marc:You can't help but be yourself and you're not afraid to say anything and it's great.
Marc:There's so few comics that do that anymore.
Guest:Do you ever think sometimes if you were emotionally disconnected and more focused just on being famous or successful, that that's how it's done?
Guest:I don't know.
Marc:If you weren't in tune to your emotions as much- I know, but I can't separate my creativity from- That's where it all comes from.
Marc:There's nothing I can do about that.
Marc:Here's how I do it.
Marc:It's sort of like, I should really write better jokes.
Marc:And I'm like, I've never really written a joke in my fucking life.
Marc:Like, you know, you see these guys that they sit there, they write, they organize, they structure.
Marc:Like Seinfeld to me is from Mars.
Marc:Like, I don't know where the fuck that guy's coming from emotionally.
Marc:I don't know where he's coming from comedically.
Marc:I know he works very hard, but that's another fucking planet, man.
Guest:But, dude, that's so funny that you say that because I've had people say, dude, you got, like Seinfeld, you got to get up and it's a job, right?
Guest:Six hours a day.
Guest:I do the job.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:And you know what?
Marc:It's more taxing on me because every time I get up there, it's life or death.
Marc:It's not...
Marc:Like, if this doesn't go well, I'm not going to be okay for a while.
Marc:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Marc:I don't walk out going like, that was an okay set.
Marc:Tomorrow's another night.
Marc:No, fuck that.
Marc:I go like, why do I do this?
Marc:I'm terrible.
Marc:I'm a piece of shit.
Marc:I don't work hard enough.
Marc:And I'm fucked.
Marc:I'm fucked for days.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:So am I doing it wrong?
Marc:I don't think so.
Marc:I guess it's just the way you do it, I guess.
Marc:Yeah, but at some point, you've got to be like, what's the risk of that?
Marc:The risk is not everyone's going to like me because I'm too fucking raw and I'm too whatever it is.
Marc:And it took me a long time to accept that.
Marc:And I don't think I would have had I not somehow built a small following for myself through the podcast and other things where I'm not fucking Kevin Hart.
Marc:I'm not Louie.
Marc:But I got a few thousand people like me.
Marc:Yeah, but I'm not even you.
Guest:I'm not even fucking this.
Guest:You know what I mean?
Guest:Like, it's like I look at this 25 years in.
Guest:Right.
Guest:And I'm doing great.
Guest:You know, quote unquote.
Guest:I got a show.
Guest:I'm funny.
Guest:You're closer to me than you are to Louie.
Guest:Yeah, but it's like.
Guest:Like, I still go on the road and fucking, there's a bunch of comp seats and, you know, I'm still- That would happen to me if I did comedy clubs, I bet.
Guest:But it's just, it's like I still have to do Thursday, Friday, and Saturday.
Guest:All right.
Guest:But you know what I mean?
Marc:Yeah, I know what you mean.
Guest:I know what you mean.
Guest:It's like, when, is there going to be a day where you can sell out or you can just do your comedy?
Marc:For people that like you, but would you like that?
Marc:You wanted a whole room to know you and like you?
Guest:Dude, I don't know if there's any better feeling than performing in front of your fans.
Guest:No, there isn't.
Guest:You have to know that.
Guest:When they show up to see you, they fucking love you.
Guest:It's great.
Guest:When you show up at a club and there's 30 people that are there for you, and the rest, the 120- They got free tickets.
Guest:They got free tickets.
Guest:And some type of fucking coconut shrimp coupon.
Marc:I'll tell you, I'd rather just the 30 people and then 10 people that pay.
Marc:Like, I hate free tickets.
Guest:Yeah, but I can't.
Guest:I have a fucking kid.
Marc:No, I know.
Guest:I know.
Guest:It's like that was fucking great when I was living.
Guest:I was just a single guy.
Guest:But now it's like I have a fucking kid that I have to... Like that whole other fucking aspect of it now.
Guest:It's like...
Guest:I don't know, dude.
Guest:Everybody... I hate that, dude.
Guest:I hate the fucking... Why don't you have that?
Marc:Dude, I'm still very specifically famous.
Marc:At some point, you've got to contextualize your success.
Marc:Does that make sense?
Marc:Maybe not.
Marc:Let me try to put it a different way.
Marc:There's a lot of people who don't know who the fuck I am.
Marc:My show's on IFC.
Marc:My podcast is a podcast.
Guest:Yeah, that fucking President Obama came on.
Guest:Yeah, I know.
Guest:I know.
Guest:But you found it, dude.
Guest:You found your thing.
Guest:You got it.
Marc:I know.
Marc:That was lucky.
Marc:Cosmic timing.
Marc:I earned it.
Guest:You earned it and you found it and you did the work for it and you went through it.
Guest:And it's like, am I not doing it?
Guest:You know what I mean, dude?
Guest:You're doing fine.
Guest:Did you get your health insurance from doing the show?
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:Okay.
Marc:Shut the fuck up.
Guest:It still doesn't... It does nothing.
Guest:It does nothing.
Guest:Yeah, that didn't work.
Guest:That did not work.
Guest:Sorry.
Guest:No, it almost worked.
Guest:For a fucking second, I was like... It was almost like, wow.
Guest:But no, it didn't... I'm still where I was before you said that.
Guest:I'm still petrified.
Guest:I'm still petrified.
Guest:I'm petrified of being 55.
Guest:I know.
Guest:Having to work in some fucking one-nighter in Poughkeepsie.
Marc:That was my biggest fear when I was in the garage not knowing what the fuck to do with my life after Misha left me.
Marc:That was my biggest fear.
Marc:And I'm so grateful that things worked out, but that was the biggest fear.
Marc:But here's what I'm telling you.
Marc:You're working.
Marc:Yes.
Marc:And people know you.
Marc:Yes.
Marc:And you're on a fucking big network show.
Marc:Yes.
Marc:You have great friends.
Marc:You have creative friends.
Marc:You're thought of as an actor.
Marc:You do a great job as an actor.
Marc:You do a great job as a comic.
Marc:Just fucking at least know that.
Guest:yeah maybe that's maybe that's it maybe i maybe the key to it is is enjoying that and not worrying about it's hard though worrying about where you're going yeah and just i mean like the program one day at a time maybe it's just that but it's i it's hard to how is your program
Guest:It's good, but it's not as good as it could be.
Marc:Let's go back, though.
Marc:So you got sober at 15.
Marc:Why?
Marc:Because you went to jail?
Marc:What the hell happened?
Guest:Yeah, I went to jail.
Marc:Oh, you did?
Guest:I went to jail at 13 for an armed robbery and assault and battery.
Marc:Did you do it?
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:What'd you do?
Guest:I ripped off a mafia-owned pizza store.
Guest:What?
Guest:Yeah, I was drunk.
Guest:I was fucking shit-fating.
Guest:Me and Frankie went in, and he went in, and I was trying to pick up the chick.
Guest:This chick who worked there was in my geography class.
Guest:Big-nosed Italian girl.
Guest:I was in love with her.
Guest:And we just took the money out of the register and ran out.
Marc:You had a gun, though?
Guest:No, we just fucking threatened them.
Guest:What's his name?
Guest:Frankie threatened the cook.
Guest:He was going to beat the shit out of him.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I guess he beat him up a week before and went back in and threatened him again.
Guest:Oh.
Guest:And we took the money.
Guest:We just took it and ran.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And then I had the mob after me and I got arrested.
Guest:Went to juvenile jail for a while, like six months at 13.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I remember that.
Guest:That was fucking shocking.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Yeah, that was pretty fucked up.
Guest:Just because I remember when my bail was 10 bucks and my mother wouldn't pay it.
Guest:To go learn a lesson?
Guest:Yeah, well, she was told not to pay it.
Guest:By who?
Guest:By the judge.
Marc:Oh, because he wanted to, like... He said, let him go through the system.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Because he's never going to change.
Guest:Really?
Guest:So she did.
Guest:Believed him.
Marc:Just believes any shitty guy that tells her something.
Guest:Well, it actually worked.
Guest:I was the only one out of all my friends who kind of got sober in his life together.
Guest:Oh, yeah?
Guest:Out of all those guys.
Marc:Oh, really?
Guest:Yeah, because I went into... I remember they took me away, and I remember... This is weird.
Guest:I still sucked my fingers.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I still- In Juvie?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Well, the last time I- I would suck my fingers and pick my nose.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:With my pinky finger.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:It was just my- Instead of sucking my thumb- Yeah.
Guest:I would suck my fingers.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:My two fingers.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And I remember that was the last- That night in Juvie Jail was the last time I ever did it.
Guest:I was so afraid of falling asleep- Yeah.
Guest:With your fingers in your mouth.
Guest:Sucking my fingers.
Guest:I was 13.
Guest:And I just-
Guest:I remember I was like, I can't do it.
Guest:I stayed up.
Guest:I kept waking myself up.
Guest:I just want to wake up and just catch a beating because I was sitting there sucking my fingers and picking my nose.
Guest:So I was fucking paranoid.
Guest:So I remember that was the last time I ever did that.
Guest:And then they took me into this place.
Guest:I remember I went into this room and it was the first time I was around Puerto Ricans and black dudes.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Like, you know, rough.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I was the only white kid in there.
Guest:And we were sitting in this room watching cartoons on this big fucking TV up at Danvers State Hospital.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Remember the mental institution?
Marc:Kinda.
Guest:They had this mental institution, but they had this little side building that they gave to the state for juvies.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And you'd go there after court.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And you'd sit there, wait to see where you're going.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And I remember they brought in subs, all these subs.
Guest:And there was an Italian sub and they had these wet onions on top.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:All the kids took the onions and threw them on the ceiling.
Guest:And I looked up on the ceiling.
Guest:It was like years of onions.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:That was what people did.
Guest:That's just what they did.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:Just years of onions just dried on this fucking ceiling.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:It was the fucking grossest shit.
Guest:So I just took my engine, threw them up on the fucking thing.
Guest:And then I was in the system.
Guest:I remember going to jail and being in this fucking crazy shit and then going into a foster home for the next three years.
Guest:Did you fight in jail?
Guest:I didn't fight.
Guest:I was funny.
Guest:That's where I learned to be funny.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Yeah, that's where I actually learned to be funny.
Guest:I remember one night they were coming in.
Guest:They were beating up.
Guest:There was three white kids.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And they beat up one kid playing basketball.
Guest:They just threw basketballs at his face.
Guest:And then they came in to get the other kid.
Guest:They beat him up in the shower.
Guest:And then I was sitting in my room and they all came in, all these black dudes, little tiny dude.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:They called him the godfather.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Little squeaky voice.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And they came in and they sat all around me on my bed and ignored me like I wasn't there.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And they were like, these motherfucking white boys.
Guest:They're talking shit about white dudes.
Guest:They were like, yo, what's up, man?
Guest:You a homeboy?
Guest:You a white boy?
Guest:And I was just like, I'm a homeboy, motherfucker.
Guest:And they were like, this fucking kid's crazy.
Guest:And they just started laughing.
Guest:They were like, you all right, motherfucker?
Guest:I'm like, you all right, too, motherfucker?
Guest:And they were like, all right, chill out.
Guest:Enough.
Guest:Yeah, that's where I learned to be funny, is in jail.
Guest:Your wife depended on it.
Guest:Yeah, well, yeah, it was either that or fight.
Marc:I mean, I learned how to fight, too.
Marc:I was the same way.
Marc:For being as big of a dick as I was, it's amazing I haven't gotten my ass kicked, but I never did.
Marc:Ever?
Marc:Nope.
Marc:Are you going to do it?
Guest:No, I would never do that.
Guest:I love you.
Guest:I never did.
Guest:That's the one thing about you.
Guest:I remember when you would come to the cellar, you would sit in the bottom and just, like, me and Garfrey were so loud.
Guest:Yeah, yeah.
Guest:I remember, because we were, I remember I used to sweat.
Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest:Garfrey was on stage, or I'd be on stage, and you'd be there.
Guest:Why?
Guest:Why do you, oh, why do you gotta fucking yell?
Guest:Why do you guys gotta scream?
Guest:I mean, can't you just...
Guest:Because you had to go up after.
Guest:I know, yeah.
Guest:And I would be like, Mark, it's okay.
Guest:I go, Mark, you're fucking hilarious.
Guest:You're going to just do just fine.
Guest:It has nothing.
Guest:And you were like, really?
Guest:Is it good?
Guest:Are you sure?
Guest:I'm like, Mark, you're fucking, yeah.
Yeah.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And you'd come off, you'd be like, yeah, it was good.
Guest:It was good.
Guest:I just thought, like, you know, you're just ruining everything.
Guest:Yeah, it was, yeah, Juvie was fucking crazy.
Guest:Foster homes were worse than Juvie, though.
Marc:But now you're, like, 14, 15?
Marc:Yeah, I was... And you can't go back to your mom's place?
Guest:No.
Guest:You would go to jail for a few months and then you would go to a foster home for a few months.
Guest:And then you'd work your way back to... And I went back eventually to my mom's and then you get arrested
Guest:You're a ward of the state.
Guest:So when you're a ward of the state, they own you.
Guest:So there's no more court.
Guest:So you do something bad, you go right to juvie jail.
Guest:There's no more of that shit.
Guest:It just saves money and time.
Guest:So that's what kept happening.
Guest:Anytime I did something, I would just go directly to jail.
Guest:And that's what happened over the next three years.
Guest:I just kept going to jail.
Guest:And the last time I went to jail was I was living in New York, upstate New York, near Rochester.
Guest:I was working on a farm.
Guest:Court ordered?
Guest:Yeah, court ordered on a farm five days a week.
Guest:I was a farm hand.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And I fucking fell in love with it.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I worked with animals and fucking all this crazy shit.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Kind of got my shit together a little bit, but I was still hanging out with the fuck, and that was my MO.
Guest:Anytime I went to, I went to seven different high schools, six different- You'd find the fucking bad kids?
Guest:I would always, anytime we moved, I would have a thing of weed, and I'd find the fuck, I would do something fucked up to go to detention, first day, second day.
Marc:So everyone knew you.
Guest:So then I would be in detention and whoever was in detention with me, those are my new friends.
Guest:So I'd be like, dude, you want to smoke some weed?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And we'd go smoke weed after detention and that would be my group.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And I would just hang out with those fucking guys.
Guest:And that's what I did up there.
Guest:Same shit.
Guest:But also work with animals.
Guest:but i started working on the farm and the responsibility of that yeah uh and you know coming home and being so exhausted and fucking just smelling like fucking shit yeah animal shit yeah i would just i had this responsibility for the first time in my life and i actually started getting self-esteem yeah and my mom and stepdad larry were actually we were connecting on some level because now i before they couldn't really have you around
Guest:because i was just a fucking punk yeah and now all of a sudden but i was still you know drinking on the side yeah partying on weekends and stuff and i got arrested again and that was it and then i just fucking i went they flew me back to boston on a plane i mean that's when you could smoke on planes too right i remember being 15 smoking on a plane yeah me too
Marc:That was the greatest shit ever.
Marc:In those back four rows.
Marc:How the fuck was that even possible?
Marc:How did the whole plane not smell like fucking cigarettes?
Guest:It did, but how do you fucking... Imagine looking at a 15-year-old lighting up a Marlboro on a plane.
Marc:I know.
Marc:I smoked at that age, too, and no one fucking did shit.
Marc:Nothing.
Marc:They ought to smoke in our high school.
Marc:They couldn't stop it.
Marc:There's 3,000 kids there.
Guest:I remember flying back.
Guest:I asked the flight attendant for a light.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:15-year-old.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:On the plane.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And then she loved me.
Guest:They were great to me, the whole flight.
Guest:And we got to Boston.
Guest:There was two state troopers waiting for me at the thing, and I just turned around and they handcuffed me.
Guest:I was like, bye, ladies.
Guest:They were like, what the fuck is that?
Yeah.
Guest:And I went right to fucking jail.
Guest:And then I went to rehab for a year.
Guest:Holy shit.
Guest:A whole year I didn't see anybody.
Guest:All male rehab.
Guest:That's changed my life.
Guest:The guy Tom Tompkins who ran this fucking thing was one of the greatest men I've ever met in my life.
Guest:Is he alive still?
Guest:He died while I was in there, which fucking killed me.
Guest:That's another thing with these fucking men.
Guest:Here it is.
Guest:I met the guy.
Guest:This guy was in show business in a weird way, like old show business.
Guest:His wife was a famous opera singer or some shit, and his world fell apart through booze, and he opened this thing up to get kids, to save kids.
Marc:Oh, it was his place?
Guest:It was his place.
Guest:Wow.
Guest:And I remember he- How'd he die?
Guest:Fucking heart attack, man.
Guest:Oh, God, I'm so scared of that.
Guest:He was like 70 or something, and he used to smoke those Misty cigarettes.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Like nine packs a day.
Guest:The thin ones?
Guest:The thin ones.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And he would just smoke all day.
Guest:The first time I met him, I was on the first day there, and this kid was like, I want the fuck up.
Guest:Fuck this place.
Guest:And all the staff were there and he comes down the stairs, this old guy with a fucking weird beard and he had psoriasis and just looked like shit.
Guest:Looks like he just got off an island.
Guest:You know what I mean?
Guest:And he came down and he goes, what fuckhead wants to leave?
Guest:And everyone was like, what?
Guest:I was like, what the fuck?
Guest:And he started yelling at this guy, you fucking dumb cunt.
Guest:You want to fucking leave, you stupid cunt?
Guest:Then get the fuck out of here.
Guest:Fuck you, you fucking pussy.
Guest:I go, we're trying to save your life.
Guest:We're trying to fucking save your fucking life.
Guest:And you want to be a fucking pussy, you dumb cunt?
Guest:And I remember this new employee was like, excuse me, but I don't think he goes, fuck you, you're fired.
Guest:Get the fuck out.
Guest:Fired the guy.
Guest:And then the kid starts crying.
Guest:He goes, yeah, you're fucking sad, aren't you?
Guest:It's scary, isn't it?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:This is life or death, you fucking asshole.
Guest:We're trying to save you.
Guest:Do you want to be saved?
Guest:And he was like, yeah.
Guest:He was like, all right, then shut the fuck up.
Guest:And he walked over and he goes, look at me.
Guest:And he gave the kid a hug.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And the kid just lost it.
Guest:Lost it.
Guest:And I remember I was like, what the fuck is happening?
Guest:And he goes, where's Kelly?
Guest:And I raised my hand.
Guest:He goes, upstairs.
Guest:I was so scared and I went to his office and he was like, he goes, he was the sweetest guy.
Guest:He's like switched.
Guest:He was like, all right, so how are you liking it the first day?
Guest:I was like, I don't know.
Guest:And then he goes, I want you to tell me, tell me what's your baggage.
Guest:I go, I had a father.
Guest:No, no, no.
Guest:He goes, what's the thing you've never fucking told anybody?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:What is it?
Guest:What's the thing you've never told?
Guest:What do you fucking walk around with?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And I go, he goes, I want to know the thing you never fucking told a soul that haunts you, that you feel shitty about.
Guest:And I was like, one time I jerked off my friend.
Guest:And I, you know, I feel really fucked up about that because I'm not gay, but I feel like I'm, you know, I didn't.
Guest:He goes, what?
Guest:I go, and he goes, this kid, he goes, whatever his name was, Glenn, go get fucking Michael, Sean, and get Miguel up here right now.
Guest:And he brings these three kids.
Guest:I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Guest:Brings these three kids up.
Guest:Now there's these three kids.
Guest:He goes, hey, you, you, and you.
Guest:Do you ever jerk off one of your friends?
Guest:Yeah, absolutely.
Guest:You ever jerk?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:You ever jerk?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:He goes, everybody does that, you fucking dummy.
Guest:Part of sexuality.
Guest:You're not gay.
Guest:You're just a little kid that was exploring sex.
Guest:And I was like, I'm not?
Guest:He goes, no, everybody.
Guest:I was like, really?
Guest:Yeah, I'd fucking jerk my friend off.
Guest:I was like, get the fuck out of here.
Guest:I was like, oh my God.
Guest:It was gone.
Guest:It was fucking gone forever.
Guest:The thing that I walked around with for all these years, I'm like, this dark secret.
Guest:And it was gone in two seconds because these other three kids-
Guest:And he was telling me, yeah, dude, you know, you're just exploring.
Guest:You don't know what's sad.
Guest:Nobody taught you.
Guest:Nobody fucking sat you down and told you what your penis did and how would a mo... And all of a sudden you go through puberty and blah, blah, blah.
Guest:And then he just, from there...
Guest:the sweetest guy ever ever ever ever in my life did this guy he used to bring me and a couple of the kids over his house i always thought he was going to try to fuck me yeah to be honest with you i always thought there was going to be that moment where he's going to go let me see your car yeah yeah yeah i'm going to show you how to jerk a guy off
Guest:I always thought there was going to be that moment.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Because he would bring us over his house and we'd put furniture together.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Like Ikea shit.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:He loved records and stereos.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And we would put the stuff together and he'd make us those pizzas.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Those French bread pizzas.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And little French cakes.
Guest:He'd have these little cakes and he'd feed us.
Guest:He was like a grandmother.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And he was like the greatest guy I've ever met.
Guest:And he changed my life.
Guest:And I wanted to be a better person.
Guest:And then he fucking died.
Guest:Just one day, they came in and they said, Tom's passed.
Guest:And he was never in my life again.
Guest:And then the guy that took over was just a fucking dildo.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And then I left a couple months later.
Marc:Well, you got enough of that guy.
Guest:I got around nine months of this amazing fucking human being that actually gave me these moments of hope.
Guest:And he took away a lot of my fucked up shit.
Guest:He took away a lot of my baggage.
Guest:But he also, he was that guy, that man that I was looking for.
Guest:I just wish...
Guest:I wish, you know, like I said before, it's like I've had these amazing men in my life.
Guest:I've had it probably around 12 fathers.
Guest:Right.
Guest:You know what I mean?
Guest:Probably around 10 dads.
Guest:Right.
Guest:These amazing, you know.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:I did the same thing because my dad was like sort of abusive and fucked up and absent that.
Marc:Like there's a lot of guys in my life, some of them better than others.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Some of them that were frankly dangerous that did me no good.
Marc:But knowing that's why I gravitated towards them, I'm able to find something good about all of them, really.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:So you get out of this place, and you're going to meetings, and you're doing the thing.
Guest:Well, you get out of that place, and it's almost you're institutionalized.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And I was like, I thought I was going to die.
Guest:I swear to God, I was like, I'm going to die.
Guest:I'm not going to make it.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And I just went to a meeting.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I went to a fucking meeting.
Guest:And I remember I asked a guy.
Guest:The guy told me when I left rehab, go to a meeting that's far away from your house so you can't get a ride home.
Guest:I mean, you can't walk.
Guest:Right.
Guest:You have to ask somebody for a ride or you're going to be fucked.
Guest:Right.
Guest:So I found this meeting way the fuck out.
Guest:And I got dropped off.
Guest:I remember Larry dropped me off.
Guest:And he goes, you sure you don't need a ride?
Guest:I go, nope.
Guest:And he left.
Marc:And you're like, what, 16?
Guest:I was 16.
Guest:And I went to the meeting and I sat by the door panicking.
Guest:And I saw a guy that I met at a meeting while I was in rehab.
Guest:And I go, hey, can you give me a ride home?
Guest:And he went, no.
Guest:i still hate that fuck i still i was so like what the fuck yeah and then i panicked i'm like i and then all of a sudden this guy comes in long hair fucking rocker yeah and i go hey can you give me a ride home and he looked at me he goes fuck yeah yeah
Guest:And he goes over to the piano, and there was a piano in this fucking room, and he starts playing, and all these chicks, these rehab chicks come over.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And then we hung out until 2 in the morning at a Bickford's talking sobriety and programming.
Marc:It's the best part about fucking early sobriety.
Marc:It's just like fucking smoking, talking, drinking coffee with whoever, and you know the language, and there's a context to the conversation.
Marc:It's not weird.
Marc:No.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:it's the best part and you're constantly being grateful you're constantly you know i just remember just talking about every fucking day and there's no shortage of fucked up grown-ups to fucking talk to you all night i remember first time i ever saw stand-up comedy yeah bob keen and i remember i was little bob keen little bob keen yeah i remember i was so excited to fucking go to this
Guest:First row, I fucking got.
Guest:And I remember the guy, not Bob, the other guy, whoever he was, he fucking, I was laughing.
Guest:And then I looked at him and I reached up and he touched my hand.
Guest:And I was like, he touched me.
Guest:And I remember I was so, that comedy that night.
Guest:That was it?
Guest:It took me out of that.
Guest:Dude, I was going to kill myself.
Guest:I mean, I just remember loving it, loving stand-up comedy.
Guest:That was my first time.
Guest:And then I would go sneak in and see Sweeney.
Guest:At Knicks?
Guest:I remember I saw Gavin on stage hosting.
Guest:At Knicks?
Guest:At Knicks.
Marc:The original Knicks.
Guest:The original Knicks, upstairs, sold out.
Guest:That's great.
Guest:Gavin's on stage hosting.
Marc:Dammit.
Marc:Talking fast.
Guest:He brings up Steve Sweeney together.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:The two of them are up there?
Guest:The two of them are up there.
Guest:And I've never seen anything that funny in my life.
Guest:And then I think DJ Hazard went up after them.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And I was just like... I've never been in a room where it was just like fucking...
Guest:It was just fucking not.
Marc:It's almost like the Rat Pack of Boston.
Marc:You know, you felt the community of it.
Marc:It was like being at a sporting event.
Marc:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest:You know what I mean?
Guest:That's how funny it was.
Guest:It was like, that's the energy in my room, like being at the garden.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And it was fucking crazy.
Guest:I remember seeing that happening.
Guest:And then, you know.
Guest:And then somehow I got into this fucking thing.
Guest:But did you finish high school and shit?
Guest:I went to college.
Guest:I went- I wasn't being presumptuous right now.
Guest:I was in the rubber rooms.
Guest:No, I went to two classes a day in ninth grade.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And then I worked my way out of that.
Guest:Tenth grade I was in regular classes.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And I was in art and I excelled in art.
Guest:And then the art teachers loved me.
Guest:Eleventh grade was great.
Guest:Twelfth grade, unbelievable.
Guest:I got a scholarship to Bunker Hill Community College for art.
Guest:I was going to go be an art teacher.
Guest:And I remember never got in trouble.
Guest:I think it was a week before we were graduating high school.
Guest:I got kicked out of high school again.
Guest:The guy behind me.
Guest:The guy behind me.
Guest:I mean, nothing.
Guest:No problems.
Nothing.
Guest:for years, just excelling and doing great, got a scholarship.
Guest:I remember the kid behind me was fucking with me, and he's going, hey, Bobby, you're a faggot.
Guest:And I was like, yeah, yeah, faggot.
Guest:I was like, all right, that's funny, dude, stop.
Guest:He's like, you're a faggot.
Guest:I'm like, dude, enough, enough.
Faggot.
Guest:And I go, I'm not fucking around, dude.
Guest:Shut the fuck up.
Guest:I snapped.
Guest:I picked my desk up.
Guest:I threw my desk at the kid's head.
Guest:One of those desk seats that are together.
Guest:I picked my desk.
Guest:You fucking cocksucker.
Guest:I'll murder you.
Guest:And the teacher went, Robert Kelly.
Guest:I go, fuck you two.
Guest:Fucking asshole.
Marc:It's a whole lifetime of rage comes out.
Guest:All came out.
Guest:A week left.
Guest:A week left.
Guest:And I remember walking.
Guest:I just walked down the hallway right to the principal's office.
Guest:And every kid in the school heard it.
Guest:They were all leaning out of the fucking doorways.
Guest:And I went and Mr. D was like, hey, Bobby, what's up, buddy?
Guest:How are you doing?
Guest:I go, you're going to want to talk to me.
Marc:his fist is black comes in he just fired and he was like what and they they let me graduate but they suspended me for the last week so i didn't go to school for the last week but you know what that was that's like one of those things right so there you were at the precipice of everything turning around and you know that fucking idea of who you were because of your fucking life took over yeah i'm a bad kid
Guest:yeah all that fucking thing that you know i'm gay tom tomkins because i jerked a kid off when i was sick so whatever was it i guess they didn't get rid of it yeah it really fucking annoyed me that cocksucker he really bugged me but yeah yeah but then i went to bunker hill man and and you were gonna be art teacher what kind of art were you doing
Guest:Dude, I was going to be, I was going to work at a fucking Y or, you know, macaroni.
Guest:I could do art.
Guest:I could paint.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I could draw, but not, not, you know.
Marc:So when do you start doing the comedy?
Marc:After Bunker Hill?
Guest:No, in Bunker Hill.
Guest:Me and, there was a talent show.
Guest:And we took an improv class as in whatever, an elective.
Guest:So we decided to do improv.
Guest:And that's where I met Dane Cook.
Guest:I met this kid, Al, was in my class.
Guest:And these two other kids.
Guest:And Al and Dane were best friends.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:So we wrote sketches.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And I remember we went and saw an improv group at Tufts University called Cheap Socks.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And we just stole everything they did, like their improv games.
Marc:Yeah, which were probably just improv games.
Guest:Yeah, that was it.
Guest:We just took their improv.
Guest:We took two improv games and we wrote a sketch.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And we rehearsed and rehearsed and rehearsed.
Guest:And then we did this talent show at Bunker Hill and won.
Guest:And that was it.
Guest:And from that...
Guest:i told him was at bunker hill or he was no he was just he was uh he was just yeah he was just hanging out yeah he was a he wasn't we were on comics yeah we did improv first yeah we did this group yeah where we would uh so he wasn't doing comedy yet no he was we were doing stamp our first all of our first things was that catch a rising star we all signed up on that stupid list yeah and of course dane went up and killed yeah
Guest:You know, he had some fucking bit about- Speak and Spell.
Guest:He had Speak and Spell.
Guest:And then I think it was the Snowman bit.
Guest:He had some, it was like crazy.
Guest:And yeah, then we did that for a couple, we won the BCN Comedy Riot.
Guest:We were the first group, comedy group to win that.
Marc:What year was that?
Guest:I forget.
Guest:Remember the Rock of Boston show?
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:Yeah, we did that.
Guest:14,000 people.
Guest:And we got booed off stage.
Guest:14,000.
Guest:They put us on after the Spin Doctors and before Fish.
Marc:Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest:To do improv.
Marc:Yeah, no good.
Guest:With no microphone.
Guest:We all had handheld mics, but we all went out and bought different colored shirts.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:We all had, like I had purple, Dane had blue.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And we all went out with the same kind of outfit on, like a little uniform.
Guest:And I remember we turned around and we started doing this sketch.
Yeah.
Guest:And all of a sudden, you just heard people.
Guest:It was dead quiet.
Guest:They thought we were a band.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And then we started talking.
Guest:And I remember it just got really bad really fast.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And then just shit started getting thrown at us.
Yeah.
Guest:And it was like the craziest shit ever.
Guest:I've never been that hated by that many people in that fast a time.
Guest:And I remember we did the first sketch and they were like, get the fuck off.
Guest:But there was still like a few people in the front going, keep going, we like it.
Marc:Was it enough?
Guest:It was enough to keep going.
Guest:And I remember I fucking took my shirt off and I went, people, 14,000 people.
Guest:I go, people, we know you didn't come here to see comedy.
Guest:You came here to see spin doctors.
Wow.
Guest:fish but before we leave give us four things that piss you off and jobs fucking shoe lighter fucking just started throwing more shit and we all just ran off stage it was it was bad that's pretty funny yeah it was terrible and i remember they fucking left me yeah
Guest:They were supposed to pick me up out front.
Guest:They left me.
Guest:I'm outside in front of the old Boston Garden on a pay phone as the place is letting out.
Guest:And everybody walking by is going, there he is, just pointing at me.
Guest:That was the fucking worst.
Marc:And then a life of comedy starts.
Marc:yeah the the the i guess my main addiction yeah but what if i become a good person whatever what if what if you become you already are a good person but what if i become really healthy you won't then i'm not going to be as funny you're not going to become what am i going to do on stage you're not going to become people are nice you ever notice no i know i'm fighting with the same thing but but you know that is such a hypothetical and there's no reason to think that that will ever happen
Marc:what you could get is a little fucking peace of mind a little self-acceptance yeah i mean let's not go crazy you're not gonna what do you think's gonna happen to you what you're just gonna lobotomize yourself no it's just like basic management of of like you know the bullshit that makes us crazy which is like fuck that guy how come i don't have that when is mine gonna happen some of that could be turned down and you'll still be the same asshole you are yeah
Guest:Yeah, you're right.
Guest:I mean, you even spend a couple minutes just trying to be grateful.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:Make a gratitude list.
Marc:I do that.
Guest:Yeah, it goes away.
Guest:A lot of the shit goes away.
Marc:Gratitude list is like one of the best ones.
Marc:Because when you're sitting there like feeling sorry for yourself, being resentful cunt, you're just sort of like, make a gratitude list.
Marc:Wow.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:I like my furniture.
Guest:I like your furniture.
Marc:I love your furniture.
Marc:No, I'm talking about doing you.
Guest:Oh, I love my furniture too.
Guest:Yeah, right.
Marc:I got this nice house.
Guest:I got a kid that likes me.
Guest:I love my grass.
Guest:My wife is okay with me.
Guest:My wife is fucking, I mean, my wife is the best motherfucker in my life.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I luck the fuck out with this girl.
Guest:She is the best thing that's ever happened to me.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:If I was to go back and she's the best thing that ever happened to me.
Marc:Well, good.
Marc:So now, you know, then you go take care of yourself a little bit and she'll be happy.
Marc:You'll be nicer, probably.
Guest:Maybe have sex.
Marc:Less draining.
Marc:Yeah, maybe a little sex.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:You wouldn't exhaust her every day.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:Well, having sex with her?
Marc:No, just by being you.
Guest:I really do, man.
Guest:I'm not even kidding, dude.
Guest:I know.
Guest:How could you not?
Guest:She is so not fucked up.
Guest:I mean, she's fucked up, but I really do exhaust this fucking poor woman.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:You got to get that in check, dude.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:We good?
Marc:You want to get something to eat?
Marc:I'm hungry.
Marc:Yeah, let's go eat.
Guest:That's another addiction I have to find.
Guest:What are we eating?
Guest:Something healthy?
Marc:We can.
Marc:No.
Marc:All right.
Guest:Can I have one thing?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:What do you want?
Marc:Mexican?
Marc:I'd love Mexican.
Marc:All right, let's do it.
Marc:All right.
Marc:Thanks.
Marc:Love that guy.
Marc:Love Robert Kelly.
Marc:And I'm glad we had that conversation.
Marc:And I've been in touch with him a bit since then.
Marc:And right now, premiering the Get It Right Band, who I hope I'm right, from Asheville, North Carolina, I think.
Marc:doing a song i kind of co-wrote they used words of mine taken from different uh monologues and whatnot and put it to music the song is called however broken it is you can hear more of this stuff soundcloud.com slash d dash get dash right dash band but here is uh however broken it is co-written by me mark maron
Guest:I deal with sadness, existential anger, frustrations of being alive, frustrations of being alive, just trying to be.
Guest:And know yourself in the world
Guest:There's a gray sadness Yeah, it needs to be filled With temporary spackle Huh Cause there's anonymous monsters Slinging out garbage It's a cultural malignancy Yeah
Guest:Is there room in your narcissism?
Guest:Is there room in your narcissism for a little optimism?
Guest:I really like you.
Guest:I'm fucked.
Guest:Do you see me spiraling downward?
Guest:Do you see the plane crashing?
Guest:Do you see smoke?
Guest:Do you see burning?
Guest:I need to be deprogrammed.
Guest:I need to be deprogrammed.
Guest:I need to be deprogrammed.
Marc:Pretty cool, right?
Marc:Good song.
Marc:Boomer lives!