BONUS Marc's Standup - November 13, 2021
Okay, folks, so as you know, I recorded my HBO special on December 8th at Town Hall.
I did two shows.
They went great.
They were about an hour five, hour seven each.
Maybe the second show was a little longer, but it took a long time to trim that stuff down.
I've been out there on the road for a year and a half, kind of riffing through hour and a half, hour 45, sometimes close to two hours, and I got it down.
so for this stuff that you're about to hear this is stuff i didn't use from town hall about a year ago i did town hall about a year ago for the new york comedy festival and i was still working with a lot of the same jokes that ended up on the special but there's about a half hour or so that did not make this special and some of it will go on to evolve some of it will not
There's some COVID stuff.
There's stuff that's New York specific.
There's some riffing.
There might be a couple of jokes in here that might still be up on the lift and I might be working them in the future.
But for the most part, a lot of this stuff is gone forever.
So we just sort of extracted about a half hour or so of material that didn't make the special.
So this is the stuff that kind of got chipped away as I worked it out.
Thank you.
Thank you for coming.
This is gonna be the bulk of the movement I'll be doing this evening is happening right now.
Nice to see you.
There was no opener because I just can't take it anymore.
I just can't.
I just can't take the patter and the trying.
I will do it.
But then as I'm sitting backstage, I realize, oh yeah, I remember why you have an opener.
It's because people can't fucking get to the place on time.
They can't sit down.
That's why you have the poor newbie out there just taking the hit.
And I'm back there just fucking like, I don't know what's wrong with me, man.
I mean, this is a pretty big show.
It's not huge, but I'm happier here.
I'm gonna underplay it a little bit just so I can give less of a fuck.
And I think it's a better show that way.
If I'm too stressed out, it won't be a good show.
But I don't know, all I know is that what I do to prepare to come on stage is I'm sitting here, I'm backstage, see, look at this.
Should I just do an opening act?
You all right?
I don't know how to prepare for this shit.
I'm all worked up.
Backstage, what do I do to focus?
What do I do to get grounded?
Literally, I'm backstage going, how do I get to the back corner of the house so I can say hi to a guy I went to college with and haven't seen in 20 years whose fucking birthday it is?
That's what I'm doing two minutes before I get on.
Why am I doing that?
How you doing, Cliff?
All right.
Happy birthday, buddy.
I want to make it special in case I don't see you after.
Because I'm getting out.
I got no time after.
That fucking guy.
When we were freshmen, sophomores in college, freshmen in college, we used to do a thing called the ACDC cruise, where we'd get into my dad's old Honda, which I drove, and we'd put on ACDC tape, and we'd buy two 40s, and just drive around banging like this, drinking beer until we ran out of beer, and then we'd drive back and go, like, that was great.
That was great.
That was college.
That's all I learned.
That's all I remember about that school.
All right, we can get started.
I'm not, you know, I think I hide my anxiety pretty well.
I think in my mind, I'm hiding it.
In my mind, none of you know that I'm anxious.
I think the best, the working metaphor for my anxiety is the calls coming from inside the house.
But I literally, I have to put tools in place.
My anxiety is, like, I have to tell myself at least 10 times a day that I'm not in a hurry.
I don't know if anyone can relate to that.
But I get up, I get up and I'm like, oh, fuck, I gotta, and I was like, you have nothing, you have nothing to do.
You're coming into the day a little hot.
Let's just take it down a notch, pal.
There's nothing going on.
But I got, I'm gonna, there's nothing, there's nothing.
But I don't want to bum anybody out, but I think we're all in a...
a certain amount of trauma, I think, like PTSD, right?
It's like, I worry about it because you gotta process that shit.
You know, how do you process what we've been through over the last year and a half?
It's crazy.
I mean, I don't think we've processed it.
Think about it, what, like a year and a half ago?
I mean, I think the entire country was pretty much thinking the same thing, right?
So wait, what do we fucking use if there's no toilet paper?
I mean, what do you even use?
Do we just use washcloths?
Do we have a hamper of shitty washcloths?
I mean, how's this gonna fucking work with no toilet paper?
Do we shit and get in the shower really quickly?
What do we do?
Do we get up early and shit in the yard?
How's this gonna go and then just drag our ass on the grass like a dog?
What are we gonna fucking do?
Some people were buying industrial-sized toilet paper rolls from Uline with no dispenser and just leaning them in the hallway like a used tire, just like a tire.
just so they could be like, we're gonna be good.
We're gonna be good through this.
But we're okay now?
We've processed that?
That's traumatic.
The panic of no toilet paper.
How about like just watching your, looking at your groceries on the porch?
Are you kidding me?
You're just like, how long do we leave it out there?
No one knows.
We don't even know how we get it, but what do we do with the groceries?
How long does it take to die on a bag?
I don't know.
What do you, leave it out there an hour?
That sounds good.
There's ice cream in there.
Ah, fuck, cover me.
I'm going out.
All right, I got it.
Where are the Lysol wipes?
Where are the Lysol wipes?
But we're okay?
Everything's good now.
We're okay?
We process that?
It's fucking relentless.
Waking up every day like, oh, fuck.
God damn it.
God damn it.
I think I have it.
Fuck, where's one of those five thermometers I bought?
Just give me the thermometer.
Give me the thermometer.
I gotta get tested.
I don't think I'll die though, I'm healthy.
But I don't know, maybe I will.
Gotta get tested.
I was getting tested every two weeks.
Something to do, it was something to do.
You signed up for it, you look forward to it.
In LA, you go to Dodger Stadium.
I would never go otherwise.
Get the test.
How empty, how long did the joy of a negative test result last?
Like, until I put gas in my car and touched my eye.
Ah, fuck, I just put it in my eye.
God damn it, I gotta get another test.
That'll be fun though, I'll schedule it later today.
But we're okay, everything's good.
Do you remember the day where you realize like, oh man, this is gonna go on for a while.
I don't even know who I am anymore.
I gotta get a routine going, man.
If I don't get a routine going, I'm gonna be lost.
All right, from here on out, I'm gonna make an egg.
Like every day I'll do the egg.
in the morning, and I'll wash the pan.
Like, that's gonna be my thing.
Gonna do an egg, and then the pan, and that'll be good.
That'll be, like, my thing.
And that's how I'll hold onto myself.
With an egg and a pan.
That'll take me to about 8.30.
But the one thing we did realize is that time is...
It actually is a construct, and it's pretty fluid if you have nothing to hang on it, right?
I mean, by the end of the day, you're like, fuck, when did I make that egg?
Was that today?
That was like a week ago, right, the egg?
It deserved whatever that guy put into it.
I don't have any resentment against you as an audience, you know?
It's just difficult stuff, and we're all pretending like it's over.
We're all sitting here with our masks on going like, we're good, we're good.
It's ridiculous.
What are we gonna do?
There's the levels of terror.
We're like, you know, the pig king was president through the whole thing.
And like you'd get up in the morning, peak COVID, his face would be on every news story.
And like every people were dying and it was just like a fucking nightmare.
In LA, it was crazy, man.
Like during peak COVID, the entire state was on fire.
He's fucking president.
We all had to get air quality apps on our phones.
And I just remember waking up one day and it was sort of snowing a light ash.
The sky was orange, like a bad orange.
Not like, that's a nice orange.
It was a bad orange.
With a light ash coming down.
The air quality app just said, try to breathe less today.
What does that even mean?
And then I turn on my phone, and he's not giving California money because he thinks we don't like him enough.
And I'm just standing there, my fucking porch, trying to breathe less.
Looking at the ash falling down, thinking, this is fucking it.
It's over.
Today or tomorrow is the end of it.
Nope, it's going to go on for a while.
Yeah, I don't want to be negative, but...
I don't know what to tell you people.
I don't understand what's happening, really.
I don't understand what other comics are doing.
I don't fucking know anything.
I just know I'm not the kind of comic.
I'm always questioning, like, what is it that I do?
But, like, I'm not one of those comics.
Like, I'm a guy, but I'm not one of those comics that's sort of like, hey, fellas, right?
You know, like...
I don't know what the fuck any of you do.
I'm not like you.
I can't relate to like, you know, hey men, let me tell you about men.
I don't fucking know.
I know what I'm not.
But if I were to do that comedy, be like, hey guys, so last week I cooked a pumpkin pie from scratch.
including the crust i did the crust too huh fellas huh how many people right fucking just cooking the pie so i'm sitting there i'm looking at my two cats going do you even like me how many fellas right guys huh
I don't fucking mountain bike.
Don't wear any weird, you know, that's just a way to justify wearing leotards.
Nice outfit.
Looks like it's necessary to ride a bike in that fucking ridiculous outfit.
Glad you got it.
What's it say on there?
I don't climb rocks.
I don't have any water machines.
Drive a reasonable car.
All that stuff's for pussies.
You want to take real chances?
Fuck a crazy lady.
Want to go without a net?
That's what you do.
Find a mentally ill woman who's attracted to you and fuck her and just ride it out, ride it out.
There's no outfit for that.
You guys, I don't like, I'm just trying to process shit.
Like I do the work.
I have post-its that I wrote today.
This is what's going on today.
Hard to decide who to listen to when nobody shuts the fuck up.
Just fucking live in a culture filled with like amateur talk radio show hosts and wrestling heels.
What the fuck happened?
This is from two days ago.
When I hate myself, I hate everyone who has ever liked me.
Okay.
This is what I do, and this is part of the show.
This is not notes, this is all prepared.
I know what I'm doing here.
I'm sharing what I do.
Sometimes I do it on bigger pieces of paper.
The bigger writing, I had to, yeah, I had to pull the car over to do that.
That was urgent.
I'll share some of that with you.
We are wired for duplicity.
Our parents aren't who we think they are.
I had to pull over for that.
And then right under it, it says, gaslighting, parenting.
This isn't fucking lighthearted shit.
Is this comedy?
I think it is.
Parenting, gaslighting, enough of the word gaslighting, all right?
Both genders, give it up, lose it.
It's enough, right?
Not everything is gaslighting.
Some people are just fucking lying because they don't want to admit to something, and then they'll leave you for the other person.
Grow up.
Gas with me.
No, you're just trying to make plans so we could get out.
Right?
I think this is going well.
This is the chosen pace.
I think, you know, just joke after joke, just laughing and laughing.
This is overrated.
I can crush.
I can kill.
But is that what you want?
Do you want to feel or do you want killing?
Do you want to feel or do you want crushing?
Who are you fucking people?
What are you made out of?
What's that?
What?
Do you want me to, what'd you say?
Oh, okay.
Do I seem uncomfortable?
Look how immediately I just buckled to the British lady.
Like a fucking dog.
I'm so evolved.
That was definitely a, fuck you, bitch, moment.
But I'm beyond that.
Okay, lady, whatever will make you comfortable.
I just don't want you to be upset.
I'm sorry, I didn't even suggest that you might be a bitch.
You were concerned.
Oh, wow.
You ladies.
No, I know what happened.
She was like, what does he keep moving in a weird way for and keep touching the chair?
Like, I understand.
My stagecraft is very specific.
And it may seem unplanned.
to some of you, but this is all, like, I wrote this shit out.
That guy keeps doing that, and I've been polite about it.
This is, I guess, the looser part of the show.
I just wanted to read a couple more post-its and maybe a little more workshopping.
This one just says, hang up my dick.
I don't know.
I don't know why.
But that must have been a big day.
Leave nothing to their kids but their hate.
Are you laughing under that fucking mask?
So tired of eyes.
Holy shit.
Fucking, he can't see nothing in people's eyes.
People are like, the eyes, nothing.
Eyes above masks, they either look terrified or angry.
That's it.
I do like doing these.
There's a couple in there that I think are very important.
Incredibly important.
I give zero fucks.
I have nothing to lose anymore.
Not true.
I have a lot to lose.
That happened on the paper.
Then it says, let's do it anyway.
It's important.
Important work.
Don't hurt yourself trying to make me believe you're laughing.
It's okay.
Now you see the mask kind of going, and he's like...
I enjoy this one.
This is just a set.
I don't even know why I wrote this, but I had this picture in my head, and it just says, arguing about who's the alpha in their cigar circle in front of a strip mall smoke shop, and two of them are still wearing their dumb mountain biking outfit.
I don't know what that means or how I'm going to use it.
but I kept with the theme.
You find out who your friends are during divorce, death, sickness, bankruptcy, not mountain biking.
Unless it includes one of the above, which it usually does.
Thank you.
Weaponizing your memories.
That's a longer idea, and I don't think we have time for it.
But you know what I'm talking about.
Right, ladies?
Pimped out by the algorithm, also a big idea.
And you're all, that's, it's happening.
That was a problem with all the COVID and the trauma, like we're all locked into the computer and now time doesn't work like it's supposed to, like, because you watch the news and it seems like the History Channel, within five minutes, you get information.
Like, when did that happen?
Yesterday?
Wow, that was like a year ago, I thought.
So...
Our brains are all fucked up.
I'm just saying, be aware of why you might do things.
I don't know why I wanted these shoes, don't you though?
It was planted in your head by whatever the fuck you're looking at.
There's a spectrum to it.
Just be careful with your brain.
It's mushy.
There's a spectrum.
There's like, I bought these boots because I didn't see that they put a little pop-up or whatever.
It's just a stone's throw away from there's this pizza parlor in D.C.
where they eat children.
and Hillary Clinton's working the oven.
It's just right there.
It's the same spectrum.
And all that QAnon horseshit is just fucking this weird clusterfuck of, you know, Christian end times theory and conspiracy and anti-Semitism.
And it's just, I don't even think most of those idiots believe that shit, but they just enjoy the community element of it.
So, and also some of you have them in your family and they're fucked.
Don't fucking try to get, don't try to reason with them.
Do not engage your empathy with these fucked up fascists.
Don't do it.
I gotta deal with half the goddamn comedy community being fucking turned out for these goddamn fascists, and I don't even have to deal with it.
But I mean, if you're an actual fucking comedian, and the world is fucking on fire, and your neighbors might kill you within the next decade because they believe something fucked up, and you're sitting there going like, I think what we really need to talk about right now is, are trans people human?
So like, fucking pull it together, man.
But the reason that I say...
The reason I say, don't, don't, like, because a lot of you are like, but we have to reach across and, no, we don't.
We don't.
They fuck their brain up.
They let it go.
It's untethered.
It's over.
It's over.
Like, I know you don't want to believe it, but if you have people in your fucking family that are like, I don't know, like, we need both sides of it.
No, we don't.
There's a right and the wrong side, and you're, like, way wrong, and it's pretty elaborate.
So...
And the problem is, I think, with engaging your empathy, if you're sort of like, no, I'm gonna try to talk to Uncle Joe.
So you're like, you're gonna open your heart.
The problem with empathy is that, do you wanna risk putting yourself in their shoes?
What if you sit there for a half an hour and you walk out going, it makes sense, it makes sense.
There's a price to empathy at that point.
And fuck it, who cares if the Midwest balkanizes?
Who gives a fuck?
Let them.
Let them become their own country.
I know I'm being exactly what they expect me to be, this elitist liberal Jew.
I am.
I am that.
And...
But seriously, let them fucking do it.
Let them do it.
I know some people are like, but I come from, like, look, nobody in this room is going, like, what are you doing this summer?
Oklahoma, you know, it's not happening.
Where are you going?
Arkansas?
Where else?
It's not happening.
Fuck them.
Fuck them.
And the thing is, I know some people come from there.
Maybe I'm being wrong-minded about this.
But they're like, come on.
Those people are like, I grew up there.
There's a lot of good people there.
Not enough.
There's not enough.
There's not enough good people.
So either you've got to figure out a way to get more good people in there or get your family out.
This isn't Republican and Democrat.
This is a fucking fight against fascism.
What the fuck is wrong with people?
What the fuck is wrong with people?
I don't know, man.
You know, I listen to a lot of podcasts.
I don't give a fuck.
It's fascism.
Jesus Christ.
And they're like, I don't want this to be a rally.
The other side does rallies, but I don't do rallies.
But I just don't fucking get it sometimes.
It's like, look, man.
Exactly.
Yeah.
Where was that gonna go in the short amount of time you was gonna have?
I'm a Republican and I don't... No, it doesn't matter.
It's not about Republicans and Democrats.
Just call your fucking party what it is.
Whatever that idea Republican is, that ain't what's happening.
It's not what's happening.
All right, that's... That was hilarious.
That was the funniest part of Mark's show when he changed his tone and got all serious.
That tone, like, it's uncomfortable, but that tone is a character I'm working on.
It's, um...
It's called me half the time.
I almost bought a gun.
I did almost buy a gun.
I was hiking with another Jewish pussy, Dan.
Like I'm a Jewish pussy, but I'm at the top of the pussy hierarchy.
I'm right at the edge.
Like in a light alpha crowd, I can pass if there's not too much pressure.
It's sort of like a Toyota Avalon, you know?
People are like, is that Alexis?
No, but it's made in the same factory.
That's sort of a good analogy.
This kid by himself is having the best time.
But yeah, I almost bought one.
I'm hiking with Dan.
He's like, I think I'm gonna get a gun.
He's a sweet, nerdy guy.
And I was like, what?
He's like, I think we need guns.
I'm like, we need guns?
And I'm like, okay.
He's like, yeah, I talked to a friend.
He says, we need Glocks.
When he glocks, he says, yeah, we got to get glocks.
I'm like, you like a 9mm?
The car's, yeah, glock.
All right, glocks.
Let's go get glocks.
You want to go gun shopping?
He's like, yeah, maybe we should go gun shopping.
All right, let's go Sunday.
We'll make a day out of it.
We'll go gun shopping.
We'll get COVID tests.
And we go...
We go to the gun store in Burbank, and it's COVID, so there's a line of guys socially distanced with masks on just waiting to go into the gun store.
And I don't know what analogy, like, you remember porno theaters?
The same crowd, same crowd.
Longer arc on the release, if any.
Okay.
But we get into this gun store, and there was a run on guns in L.A.
Like, it's easy to get a gun in L.A., sadly.
Like, you just got to fill out a safety test, and if you pass it, you can get one.
And usually the gun guy that the store is, like, looking over your shoulder, like, oh, there you go.
So, yeah.
I got it.
I got it.
I can have one now.
So...
So we go to this gun store, and we finally get into the place.
It looks like it's been ransacked.
And there's a woman at the counter, and I turned into like a seven-year-old.
It was ridiculous.
I walk in, I'm like, we want Glocks!
Glocks!
She's like, we hardly have any guns left.
We just have like these few 38s.
I'm like, no Glocks!
Just a few 38s.
And I think I actually said, you don't have any good guns?
She's like, no, every day we get new guns, and I'm like, okay, we'll come back.
See that ice cream place around here, ice cream?
We're gonna go get COVID tests.
OK, so that was some odds and ends.
That was some odds and ends from my original town hall show a year ago.
I think it was a year ago, November, maybe.
And the last bit that I do is still the closer.
So we're ending it before that.
And people will be able to see that closer on the HBO special, hopefully sometime in the spring.
But there you go.
There's the process.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you for coming.
I appreciate it.
Thank you.