BONUS Ask Marc Anything #13

Episode 734087 • Released January 23, 2024 • Speakers not detected

Episode 734087 artwork
00:00:12Ask Mark anything.
00:00:14Number 13.
00:00:16They keep coming.
00:00:17These questions.
00:00:19Here we go.
00:00:19What is your happiest memory at the comedy store?
00:00:24What is your most memorable experience at the comedy store?
00:00:30Well, there's several different periods of me in that place.
00:00:34I would have to say that my happiest memory at the comedy store as of late was,
00:00:39was that hallway encounter with dice and my fan came up and interrupted us.
00:00:47That was pretty, uh, pretty happy, pretty funny.
00:00:50And I've told the story before, but I'll tell it again.
00:00:53I was just talking to dice and he was talking about, you know, dice stuff, a lot of talking, going to do Madison square garden.
00:01:03He's back on the road.
00:01:04He's this, he's that, this and that, that, and this, uh,
00:01:08And some kid comes up.
00:01:10He's not a kid.
00:01:10Young man comes up, interrupts us, says, look, I'm sorry, I don't mean to interrupt, but I just got to say, Mark, you know, I've been meaning to email you and I don't know, you're here now.
00:01:19I think I should just tell you how much you helped me and how much you changed my life.
00:01:23I was going through dark times and your podcast really got me through it.
00:01:28And I'm just want to tell you how grateful I was and to thank you in person.
00:01:32And I was like, great.
00:01:33Well, I'm glad to help out.
00:01:34No problem.
00:01:35Glad you're doing all right.
00:01:37And that guy walks away and Dice says, I never get that.
00:01:42You know, I get you're the reason I lost my job.
00:01:45You're the reason they threw me out of school.
00:01:47You're the reason that my girlfriend left me.
00:01:50I never get that.
00:01:53That was pretty funny.
00:01:54Pretty happy.
00:01:56What is your most memorable experience at the store?
00:01:59Well, there's a couple.
00:02:00I remember when I was a doorman there and Pryor came in.
00:02:04And he went on in the original room.
00:02:07And he didn't do well.
00:02:09He bombed.
00:02:10But he went up there with that prior vulnerability.
00:02:12This must have been, I don't know, what year would that have been?
00:02:1586, 87.
00:02:16I don't know where exactly he was at in his life.
00:02:19But he wanted to get up there and work on some stuff.
00:02:22And he had that real weird prior vulnerability.
00:02:25And he just had a hard time up there.
00:02:27And it was a hard thing to watch.
00:02:29But it was important to see.
00:02:31And then there was a lot of memorable experiences back in the day.
00:02:37I remember when Sam Kennison on Easter... Must have been Easter...
00:02:421987, he came out on stage that night on Sunday wearing a black cap, black sunglasses, black trench coat, black sweatpants, a torn black T-shirt with a black rosary beads around his neck.
00:02:59And he said, how do you like my Easter outfit?
00:03:03That's pretty memorable.
00:03:04Like, I remember that.
00:03:06Do you have a preference between the original room and the main room?
00:03:09What room would you recommend for a fan if they only have one night to go to the comedy store?
00:03:16I don't know.
00:03:17See who's on the lineup.
00:03:18I mean, the original room is a smaller room, so you get a more intimate thing.
00:03:22The main room is set up like a showroom, like a big, like a sort of nightclub or almost a Vegas-y showroom.
00:03:30So the performances are a little different.
00:03:32If you want like a gritty, intimate...
00:03:35where you're very close to the performer and there's kind of more of a possibility of a one-mind experience between audience and performer, I would do the original room.
00:03:46But if somebody you want to see is in the main room, they do a bigger set.
00:03:49It's not that they work harder, but it requires a more less loose.
00:03:55Some people do loose both places.
00:03:58But the main room is sort of a tighter, bigger set.
00:04:01So it's up to you.
00:04:02Can you walk us through a typical night for you at the Comedy Store from the drive to the club to the drive home?
00:04:10Usually I leave my house an hour before my spot.
00:04:14It takes me about a half hour to 40 minutes, sometimes less, to drive to the comedy store.
00:04:20I get out of my car, park behind the store.
00:04:23I go in.
00:04:24I see where we're at on the lineup and who's up in the room, see which comic is up, where I am in the lineup, and
00:04:33Then I walk down the hall, check out what's going on in the main room, look at that lineup.
00:04:38Then I'll go into the kitchen, hang around, maybe get a soda, see who's in the hallway, talk a little bit.
00:04:44Sometimes I get a pretzel.
00:04:46They make those New York kind of salty big pretzels now with mustard.
00:04:51Sometimes I just talk to some of the servers.
00:04:54Sometimes I say hello to the crew back there.
00:04:57Then I'll wander around.
00:04:59Sometimes I'll sit in the back of the room.
00:05:01Sometimes I'll just talk to whoever's around.
00:05:03Usually in the main room, I'll go back in the dressing room when the person who's going to bring me up is on stage and hang out back there, talk to whoever's back there, wait it out.
00:05:14In the original room, you sit in the back sometimes and wait to go on.
00:05:20Then sometimes I'll hang out after.
00:05:22Usually I'll go get some lifesavers now that I'm off the nicotine.
00:05:25They always have like a stash of single wrap giant wintergreen lifesavers.
00:05:32Go grab a handful of those.
00:05:34And then I'll drive home.
00:05:36Just swerve out of the lot.
00:05:37Try to get going to the left, which is a hard left turn out of the comedy store onto Sunset.
00:05:45Sometimes I got to go right and take a U-turn right there.
00:05:50Then I just drive over the hill, drive over Laurel Canyon and go home.
00:05:57And that's one or two sets usually.
00:05:59And the only thing that changes is how much I hang around, I guess.
00:06:07Favorite comedy club outside of Los Angeles.
00:06:11I don't know.
00:06:12Most of the clubs, my favorite ones are, both of those Denver clubs are really good, the Comedy Works.
00:06:20I had good shows up in Portland at Helium.
00:06:22Acme is pretty good.
00:06:24I haven't been going there as much, but that's always thought to be a good club.
00:06:31It's okay.
00:06:32I don't think any club is really as good as those Comedy Works clubs in Denver, though.
00:06:38Is there an exact meaning to alternative comedy and where it begins and ends?
00:06:42Alternative comedy was sort of a... I wouldn't call it a movement, but it was a community of comics that started performing in stages other than comedy clubs.
00:06:53I guess, what would it be, in the mid-'90s, early to mid-'90s, that was going on here in Los Angeles and then in New York at Luna Lounge.
00:07:01There was sort of...
00:07:04It wasn't just comedy.
00:07:05There was variety to it.
00:07:06Sometimes there were sketch bits and pieces.
00:07:09For me, it was another place to work out stuff without the pressure of...
00:07:14doing it in the middle of a set on the road or doing it in a, in a mainstream comedy club, I could riff a little more.
00:07:20It really enabled me to, um, uh, get comfortable with, uh, writing on stage, but, uh, but it begins and ends, you know, at the pay level, you know, I mean, a lot of the alt comedy stuff, those, a lot of those comics went on to do regular comedy and most people end up in clubs.
00:07:39But for me, uh,
00:07:41it was more of a workout space that wasn't a mainstream club, but you know, all comedy has its own community, but everybody ultimately ends up doing a regular standup or moving into the industry some other way.
00:07:55I don't know that alternative comedy really exists anymore as it was in terms of being up and against mainstream comedy.
00:08:04As a kid growing up in Mill Valley, California, I worked at the Throckmorton Theater on nights and weekends where I believe you performed.
00:08:12I'm curious if you have any memories, impressions of Mill Valley and the Throckmorton, and if you and Mark Pitta ever reconciled.
00:08:18Mark Pitta being the comedian that booked the place, who I kind of knew back in San Francisco back in the day, who helped facilitate me interviewing Robin Williams.
00:08:28I guess my memory at the Throckmorton was one night I was performing there.
00:08:33There's two memories.
00:08:34There's a bad memory where I got up there and I thought I was supposed to be headlining, but another headliner was booked.
00:08:40I don't remember whose fault that was.
00:08:42Might have been mine, but we both did it.
00:08:44I remember, what was that guy's name?
00:08:47I remember that comic.
00:08:47God damn it.
00:08:48I can't remember.
00:08:49Now it's bothering me.
00:08:50Then another night I was there and Robin Williams used to hang out there.
00:08:53And I was on stage and Robin was up in the in one of those booths, you know, up like the Lincoln booth where, you know, you could sit up there in what do you call those?
00:09:03A balcony booth.
00:09:05And I was doing my set.
00:09:06And every time a joke, if I had jokes, it didn't go as well as I wanted them to or they wouldn't get the laugh.
00:09:11After the laugh died down, I just hear Robin go, oh, just laughing at the awkward silences.
00:09:20Robin Williams.
00:09:23And seeing him and hanging out with him afterwards and talking to him was good.
00:09:27I feel like me and Pitta reconciled.
00:09:30I feel like I, I don't know if it reconciled well, but I feel like there wasn't a men's maid.
00:09:35Do you get sick of your standup material?
00:09:36Do you ever throw stuff out for a while just to see how it feels to riff instead?
00:09:40Yeah, all the time.
00:09:41I'm always getting sick of my material and forgetting it and then leaving it.
00:09:45Now I got to go out on the road and I got to figure out what I have.
00:09:48in terms of the hour, where a lot of the stuff I was working on, I do shorter sets so it doesn't, doing the longer bits, I don't do them in the shorter sets.
00:09:59Yeah, I get tired of stuff all the time.
00:10:00And then I just wait to lose my mind and get angry and then find some new stuff.
00:10:07That's how it works.
00:10:09Would you ever consider doing standup shows in non-English speaking places?
00:10:13I live in Mexico City and sadly traveling to the U.S.
00:10:16is not an option for me in the near future.
00:10:18I guess.
00:10:19I've never really done it.
00:10:21I went to China, but that was for expats.
00:10:24I don't know.
00:10:24I'll think about it.
00:10:26I guess I'm open to it.
00:10:29Where will you film your next special?
00:10:31I don't know.
00:10:32We don't have a deal on on who's doing it yet.
00:10:36I like doing it in New York, but we'll see.
00:10:41What will you do to prevent burnout on tour?
00:10:43I don't know.
00:10:43I pace myself on tour.
00:10:45I only go out two or three days at a time and I space it out.
00:10:48So I don't generally burn out on tour.
00:10:52How many guitars do you have on stage when you perform music?
00:10:56Usually one, maybe two.
00:10:59When a performer switches guitars, is that about the preference for the sound of one guitar versus another?
00:11:05Or is there another reason?
00:11:06Well, sometimes you break a string.
00:11:08But for me, not being a professional musician, I'll take two guitars up there that definitely have different sounds.
00:11:16We all know how you feel about Keith Richards, but who is your favorite of his weaving guitar partners and why?
00:11:23Oh, well, I mean, Ronnie's the guy for me.
00:11:27I love Ronnie Wood, and I think that their sort of volleying is really the best.
00:11:35I think that Ronnie has...
00:11:37the deepest understanding of Keith and they are kind of totally symbiotic and they can both kind of wander around doing their own things simultaneously.
00:11:45And that usually works.
00:11:49I've been listening to WTF since I was in grade 10.
00:11:52I'll be 30 next month.
00:11:53Thanks for being my guide to the good shit all these years.
00:11:56Sure, pal.
00:11:57I hope you turned out all right.
00:12:00Did you get to keep the wardrobe and guitars from your Marin TV show?
00:12:04I did.
00:12:05I kept a lot of that wardrobe.
00:12:07I still wear some of it.
00:12:09The guitar I got for Marin, I think I got that E30, that Gibson 335, and I kept that.
00:12:18I had to beg for that.
00:12:19It wasn't like they, you know, I told the guy I'd use it on TV.
00:12:23And, yeah, I have that one.
00:12:26You mentioned in a recent episode that Willem Dafoe didn't like you, but I went back and listened to that episode and he seemed perfectly engaged.
00:12:33What did I miss?
00:12:34I don't know.
00:12:35You missed how I was feeling in the room, how he was looking at me.
00:12:40Maybe it was just him.
00:12:41Far be it for me to project that stuff.
00:12:43I do that often.
00:12:47I've been listening to the first year of WTF and had a kind of where are they now question.
00:12:52Are you still in contact with Matthew Weiss or Eddie Pepitone?
00:12:55Loved every time Eddie showed up.
00:12:57Matthew, not so much.
00:12:59Um, yeah, I see Eddie at the clubs.
00:13:02Uh, I'm in contact with Eddie.
00:13:04I see him around.
00:13:05We are still, uh, connected somehow.
00:13:08Matthew, I sometimes, uh, talk to when I'm in New York.
00:13:13We email occasionally, usually, uh, when I'm coming to New York or I'm in New York.
00:13:18Also, we did a full bonus episode with Matthew September 8th, 2022.
00:13:24Would you ever sit down with Jon Stewart for a WTF episode?
00:13:27You two, for all your clashes many years ago, are very like-minded today in your cultural and political tone, conversations, and beliefs.
00:13:34Yeah, I would, but I doubt he ever would.
00:13:37And it wouldn't be fun.
00:13:39I recently listened to your Amy Mann episodes.
00:13:42In both episodes, Amy mentions that you should come over to the pool since they redid it.
00:13:48Have you been over there since those episodes aired?
00:13:50I have not.
00:13:52I ran into her at a restaurant recently.
00:13:54But no, I haven't been over.
00:13:58We haven't really been friends since then.
00:14:00Was there a conscious decision to stop doing live WTFs or did it just fade away?
00:14:05Well, we did those primarily to create a revenue stream for the podcast, which was almost impossible to do back when we were doing that.
00:14:13We would allow people to donate money.
00:14:15This would be for Patreon.
00:14:17And also the live WTFs were purchasable through a separate pay site.
00:14:22And also it was a big ordeal to get it done.
00:14:24And it was really a different show.
00:14:26So it was a mixture of fading away and also getting more ad money and shifting out of that economic model or that pay model.
00:14:37When you're on the road, do you take a portable podcast recording setup with you in the event you get a spontaneous opportunity to interview someone in their home city?
00:14:45I usually bring it in order to specifically record Monday's show or Thursdays, depending on how long I'm away.
00:14:54But always the opportunity is there.
00:14:58If it's there to interview somebody, I'll do it.
00:15:00It doesn't happen too often, but I do take the rig with me when I go out there.
00:15:05How many guests roughly have you interviewed that didn't want the talk to be released?
00:15:10Conversely, are there any talks that WTF decided not to release?
00:15:14There's only been a couple where guests have said don't release it.
00:15:18Neil Brennan, the first time, the first one we did, he decided that I didn't give him the respect he deserved.
00:15:26And eventually we...
00:15:27made up and did another one.
00:15:29And David Fincher, I don't know why he didn't want it.
00:15:33Who knows?
00:15:34I don't know why.
00:15:35But we're sitting on that.
00:15:37There were some guests that asked us not to release the episode, but we convinced them it would be okay.
00:15:43There were a couple of those where they were just freaking out, a little insecure, looking back at it, wondering what they said.
00:15:50But but they eventually relented and were fine.
00:15:56There were guests we chose not to air for various reasons.
00:15:59No reason to say who they were.
00:16:00It was not necessarily their fault.
00:16:04It just was what it was.
00:16:06Would you categorize the Fincher talk as a good talk or a great talk?
00:16:09It's a great talk.
00:16:11We talked for a long time.
00:16:12Never to be heard, I guess.
00:16:17What is the best sandwich you've ever made?
00:16:21Shit, I don't know.
00:16:22That's a good question.
00:16:23The best sandwich I ever made.
00:16:26I used to enjoy making a patty melt for reals, you know, with a good burger and Swiss cheese and fried onions, fried nice and brown on rye bread, crispy toasted rye bread or grilled rye bread.
00:16:42You get the patty.
00:16:44You put that bread into the butter or oil in the pan on one side.
00:16:49Put the slices of cheese on each one.
00:16:52Get them good and fucking toasty.
00:16:54Put the patty in there already cooked.
00:16:57And then the grilled onions.
00:16:58And then put the other piece on top.
00:17:01And then press it a little bit.
00:17:03That's a pretty good fucking sandwich.
00:17:07Really good sandwich.
00:17:09I do enjoy the post-Thanksgiving turkey chopped liver sandwich, sometimes with a little cranberry sauce.
00:17:19That's a pretty good sandwich.
00:17:22Whatever sandwiches I like.
00:17:24Those are pretty top-notch if I think a sandwich.
00:17:26I'm not a big sandwich maker.
00:17:30Do you snack at the movies?
00:17:31Yeah, I'll have a big popcorn, no butter, giant Diet Coke.
00:17:35Are you a Louis Guzman fan?
00:17:37Who isn't?
00:17:39That guy's been in everything.
00:17:40It's always good to see Louie Guzman.
00:17:42Isn't it?
00:17:43Hey, there's that guy.
00:17:44You and Brendan always seem to get along great.
00:17:48Was there ever a time when he made you really mad?
00:17:54I got him pretty mad, though.
00:17:56But really, oddly, only once.
00:17:58Really.
00:17:59I'm sure I annoy him.
00:18:02And I can tell if I'm... Sometimes I read into texts, but it's usually not right.
00:18:08You know, he listens to me more than anybody.
00:18:10I mean, he knows me really fucking well, even though, you know, we don't hang out that much or talk about private stuff so much.
00:18:18Well, I talk to him about it a lot, but I don't get too far into his...
00:18:23And I guess we don't... But he knows all my shit from what I tell everybody.
00:18:27And then I talk to him.
00:18:29We've never really not gotten along.
00:18:31We have a very good working relationship and personal relationship.
00:18:35A lot of love for each other.
00:18:36And we've been working together a long time.
00:18:38But I don't think we...
00:18:40I think the focus is on professionalism and our work ethic, which is pretty deep.
00:18:46But I've relied on him for counsel and advice.
00:18:51And I think one time maybe during Trump where I really needed answers and he didn't have them and we were all in the same boat.
00:18:59But I always think Brendan has the answers.
00:19:02And there was one time where he just really didn't.
00:19:04And I could tell he got a little mad at me.
00:19:07Just not really at me, but sort of like, you know, dude, just shut up.
00:19:12We're in it together here.
00:19:13We're in the same shit.
00:19:15There's no getting out.
00:19:17I just always think Brendan has the answer.
00:19:19And I think sometimes when he doesn't, it's hard for me to take.
00:19:22And it might get a little aggravated.
00:19:27But other than that, no, just one fight back in the day at Air America.
00:19:31He kind of lost his shit on me.
00:19:33And then I lost my shit on him about that.
00:19:36And it never happened again.
00:19:37And that must have been 2007, 2008.
00:19:41Yeah, we have a miraculous working and personal relationship with most of the focus being on the working.
00:19:51Did you ever end up finding out what that guy put in those eggs from when you were a kid in New Mexico?
00:19:56The genius eggs?
00:19:58No, I think I might be exaggerating for a joke that never worked, but I tell this story.
00:20:02I don't think he put anything special in him.
00:20:05Do you still have a desire to direct or act in a play?
00:20:08It waned pretty quickly when I realized just how much of an undertaking it would be.
00:20:12weeks and weeks and weeks doing the same thing you know what i'd have to do to my life i i i think i i'm i'm learning a little more recently how the difference between what is fantasy in terms of my desires and what is practical and things i really want and can and would probably do and i think acting in a play and directing a play is in the fantasy column
00:20:38As you've talked about directing, where are you looking for inspiration technically?
00:20:43I can imagine you have a lot of experience with scripts and story, but what about camera angles, lighting, all the visual stuff?
00:20:49That part of movies and TV always seems impenetrable to me.
00:20:53Well, having been on a few sets, not a ton, but enough to see how a set works and the timing of the set...
00:20:59you know, how much time things take and who's involved with lighting and sound and set and production design and all that.
00:21:08Having experienced that on sets, I sort of know what has to happen on a set to get a shot.
00:21:16And lately I've been watching different directors, paying different attention, listening to directors talk more about working with actors, about getting shots, about...
00:21:26DPs, uh, and production design and set design, been paying more attention and watching some Coen brothers movies.
00:21:34Um, I just been paying more attention in general to everything I'm watching.
00:21:39Uh, and also having been with Lynn Shelton for a while and seeing her process helped me understand a little more and seeing the other directors I've worked with on shows and movies.
00:21:50Um, but yeah, I'm just, I'm just a little more attentive while watching almost anything right now.
00:21:56You said a while back that you were developing sleep issues, twitching, light sleep, crazy dreams.
00:22:02Have you Googled it?
00:22:03What did you come up with?
00:22:04I don't remember talking about that.
00:22:05I get to sleep okay, but I wake up a few times, sometimes to pee, and sometimes my body just thinks it's awake at like four in the morning.
00:22:15And that's usually when Charlie starts rubbing his nose on my face.
00:22:19So there's a bit of a 15 to 20 minute awake break around 4, 430 usually.
00:22:26And then I kind of make myself go back to sleep.
00:22:28I don't know what that's about.
00:22:30What are your fondest memories with one of your cats, past or present?
00:22:37Well, you know, cats, the memory of cats never goes away.
00:22:44And, you know, that original crew of cats I had back in Astoria, I have memories of trapping all of them, and they were all very feral, and it was insane.
00:22:54They destroyed my house.
00:22:55But I remember the first time I saw a monkey, because he was out in the alley going through the garbage in Astoria, and he had this little tuft of hair on his nose that made his face look like a monkey, which was why I named him that.
00:23:07And Little LaFonda was this runt of this wild litter out back.
00:23:10And she always had this little swagger, this kind of like almost bulldoggy like swagger.
00:23:16Just seeing those dumb cats in the garbage before I trapped them with something.
00:23:19And then having them both for, you know, 16 years is kind of crazy.
00:23:24And then there was Butch who died a young death.
00:23:27The first cat that was bought for me by my ex-wife Mishnah when we were dating after my marriage fell apart.
00:23:35She got me Butch.
00:23:37And Butch made the move out here to California with us.
00:23:42That was my first cat, actually.
00:23:45And we drove Butch.
00:23:46It was just very funny because we put a plant that Butch used to like to sleep in, in the car, thinking that Butch would sleep in the plant in the car, which he didn't.
00:23:54And that was a long journey across country with Butch the Cat.
00:23:58And then when I went back to do Air America, that's where I got the other cats in 2004, had the brood.
00:24:04And they went back and forth with me over the years.
00:24:06I brought them out here and the monkey went back to New York with me.
00:24:09And that was nice, just having a monkey.
00:24:10I wanted company.
00:24:11So he flew back with me.
00:24:13You know, I travel with those cats more than you would imagine possible with cats.
00:24:18But also, those were all good memories, you know.
00:24:21Back in the day at the old house, then we had Boomer.
00:24:23He peed on everything, had to live outside, then he disappeared.
00:24:27But yeah, just the arc of the lives of those cats.
00:24:30And now these new ones, you know...
00:24:33Finding Buster on the front porch, trapping him, finding little Charlie out back, little Puffball.
00:24:39You know, there's long histories with these cats and a lot of strays, too.
00:24:43There's no specific memories.
00:24:45But I do remember, like, when I decided to take Monkey back to New York with me, when I went back to do Break Room Live.
00:24:53It was a good decision to bring him back to where he came from, just to have company.
00:24:58He was a good cat.
00:25:01You're a person interested in self-growth and personal development as I am.
00:25:06And I get a lot out of your podcast because of that.
00:25:09I also get a little depressed and discouraged listening to your ups and downs.
00:25:13You often talk about progress in one podcast, but then indicate setbacks in the next.
00:25:18I've tried therapy, coaching, self-help books, 12-step programs.
00:25:22I see how I've changed in small ways, but the big stuff, the huge self-defeating stuff remains stubborn and hard to let go.
00:25:30You don't seem to sugarcoat things.
00:25:31Do you have actionable advice that works for real change?
00:25:35You know, really over time, the only actionable advice is contrary action.
00:25:44You know, not following your instincts, not following your inner voices that tell you not to do stuff or that tell you you suck.
00:25:51I mean, all you can do is wait that shit out.
00:25:53Stuff passes.
00:25:54But in terms of stopping yourself from doing things because of...
00:26:00insecurity or self-hate, you just have to force yourself to do it until it's a habit.
00:26:04So I think contrary action, acting as if, you know, incremental steps as well are the only actionable advice I have.
00:26:17And also vocalizing it and realizing that you're repeating patterns or whatever helps, but it all passes and then it comes back around.
00:26:24But if you're living in something that's hobbling you, I mean, either you have to
00:26:29Get in there and fix it and process the trauma or just, you know, force yourself to act against it.
00:26:35And if you do that with regularity consistently, eventually that is what you'll do.
00:26:43That'll become stronger than the negative thing.
00:26:48I found out my 16-year-old cat Vinny has a bone tumor on his leg.
00:26:51He has arthritis, so amputation isn't an option.
00:26:55The vet told me he has maybe six months.
00:26:57I'm 30, so you can imagine the emotional connection I have to a cat that I've had for more than half my life.
00:27:03I've never had to put an animal down before.
00:27:05I'm working hard to be present and enjoy this time, but the anticipatory grief is too much some days.
00:27:11Do you have any advice for this kind of grief or how to cope until that awful day?
00:27:16Well, no.
00:27:17No, there's no advice.
00:27:22Because what's happening...
00:27:25And what happened to me in these situations is I sort of made my cats hang on for as long as I could.
00:27:31And I think that alongside of your anticipatory grief is the realization that it's the right thing to do.
00:27:39And eventually that'll sort of, that'll kind of become very obvious.
00:27:47And you'll just realize that keeping them alive is probably selfish.
00:27:52And that they'd be more... They'd be okay dead.
00:27:55And then they're not people.
00:27:58They're not experiencing this the same way you are.
00:28:00And, you know, you're doing something loving.
00:28:06And you're doing something necessary.
00:28:08It's the hardest part about owning pets.
00:28:13And I grew up with a mom that was very not present for it.
00:28:15She'd just drop them off and have them put down.
00:28:18But lately...
00:28:20For the last two cats I had put down, I was there with them and held them while it happened, which is closure and it's horrible, but it's pretty good.
00:28:35You feel like you're there from right up to the end, but there's nothing to do about that anticipatory grief other than know that you're doing the right thing and you'll sense when it's time.
00:28:45Because they will have had enough.
00:28:48And they've lived a pretty good long life.
00:28:50You gave them a good life.
00:28:52It's okay.
00:28:53It'll be sad for a while.
00:28:55And you'll always remember that guy.
00:28:58But there's plenty of kittens around, pal.
00:29:04You seem to be completely at peace with your parents now.
00:29:07What is your advice on how to achieve this with parents who have provided years worth of trauma?
00:29:13I don't know, man, you're not going to get them to, they're not going to make it better.
00:29:16And eventually that's on you.
00:29:21You know, you've got to make it better.
00:29:22Whatever they did, you got to make it better.
00:29:24Don't expect anything out of them after a certain point.
00:29:27And, you know, they're going to get old and sad and feeble.
00:29:31And you want to try to process that stuff for yourself, you know, before they're dead.
00:29:37So at least you can, you know, you don't have any regrets around your side of things.
00:29:45Just take the opportunity to do what you have to do to process it, whether it's with them or with somebody else.
00:29:50But ultimately with my parents, it's like, I don't know.
00:29:53I focus on the good things I got from both of them.
00:29:57It's still a little annoying with stuff, but I don't feel that.
00:30:01And I still, you know, I'm uncomfortable with it and with them to a degree.
00:30:05But I don't know.
00:30:07Once you correct the voices they planted inside of you that are damaging to you,
00:30:13a bit you know you can let them off the hook a little and you know at least have some acceptance i don't know how it happened but it just happened and i am pretty at peace with them though i still wonder you know i still am sort of mining the depth of the trauma but it's sort of on me it's me now i don't expect anything from them i think that's where the shift is
00:30:39But I kind of never did anyways.
00:30:41But I was mad about it because they couldn't give it.
00:30:45But once I realized that that's just the way they are, the expectations, whatever they were and however old they were, you know, they kind of diminished.
00:30:52And then I just had to look to myself for to get the answers and get the the emotional needs met if possible.
00:31:00I don't know.
00:31:01It's tricky, but they get old and you might want to get some peace before they go.
00:31:09All right, there you go.
00:31:10Hope those were satisfactory answers.
00:31:13Thanks for listening.

BONUS Ask Marc Anything #13

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