BONUS Unauthorized Episode 64 - Road Trip with Eddie Pepitone
Hey folks, it's Brendan.
I just wanted to introduce what we're doing here today on The Full Marin.
This is an episode that very few people have heard in the format you're about to hear it.
Maybe if you were back with us all the
way from the start of doing this.
And you've stuck with us all that time.
You've heard this episode in this form, but no one else has.
And I'll explain what that means and why we're doing this.
Just last week, Mark had Eddie Pepitone into the garage for a full WTF interview, which you will hear soon.
Actually, let you know something here.
We were going to air that this week.
But we had to shift some scheduling things around and John Oliver is going to be airing this Thursday and the Eddie Pepitone will air later in the month.
But this was still part of the schedule on the full Marin was to re-release this episode, episode 64, Road Trip with Eddie Pepitone, in the form that it was presented when we released it on April 15th, 2010.
Here's the thing.
We did not think a lot of people were ever going to listen to WTF.
We didn't really have any sense of what it was going to become.
We didn't really have any sense of what podcasts were going to be.
And frankly, we thought it was a thing that, you know, a small group of people were enjoying and they would continue to be kind of insider fans of this show.
And the Road Trip with Eddie Pepitone episode was one that I personally wanted the show to be like overall kind of fantastic.
Field pieces, Mark traveling to places with guests.
I really felt like I could stretch my legs production-wise in doing something like this.
And what wound up happening was Mark and Eddie went on a weekend trip to Arizona doing some gigs and they visited Mark's brother.
And it was overall a really fun episode to put together.
And what I wound up doing was put a lot of...
third-party content into this episode.
That was totally naive and totally wrong.
And it was very soon after this, maybe within the next year, that we realized any of the unlicensed music that we had in all WTF episodes had to go.
And we went back and replaced all the files with shows that had our own original music, either bumpers that we had commissioned for us or some of the things that Mark plays on the show.
So this version of the road trip with Eddie Pepitone is kind of like the unauthorized version, but it is exactly the type of show at that time, April 2020, that Mark and I thought, oh, this is the thing that we're going to be doing.
This is the best version of the type of show that we can make.
And it just so happens that about three episodes later,
Mark had his interview with Robin Williams, which, frankly, changed the direction of the show forever.
It really became primarily an interview show with one guest from that point on.
But before this, it was a variety-based show.
We had lots of different segments.
And this episode, Road Trip with Eddie Pepitone, was much like the episode that we did where Mark was on a road trip in New Mexico and visited Zach Galifianakis, visited his friend Dean...
that these were episodes we thought we would be doing much more of.
So I hope you enjoy listening to this road trip with Eddie Pepitone.
And if you are from Sesame Workshop or the estate of Frank Sinatra, I apologize.
And if you insist, I will take this down again.
Fuck the game!
Fuck the game!
Are we doing this?
Really?
Wait for it.
Are we doing this?
Wait for it.
Pow!
What the fuck?
WTF.
And it's also, eh, what the fuck?
What's wrong with me?
It's time for WTF.
What the fuck?
With Mark Maron.
Hi, Eddie.
What's going on?
I think you can just put that in the back there.
Yes, sir.
You alright?
Yeah.
I'm a little tired, but... Are you tired?
No, I'm actually pretty good.
What happened?
I'm actually pretty good, but I usually have horrific insomnia.
Yeah.
You know, where I wake up at about 5 a.m.?
Yeah.
This time I got up at... Ooh, maybe reverse.
I don't want to... 4.45.
I had a dream about my cat.
One of my cats, I have five, and I had a dream that one of my cats was just following me in this huge mall...
where I was asked to tell everybody in the mall they have to close up their restaurant.
And I was like, you're kidding me.
And my beautiful little cat, Criswell, was with me.
And it was a little bit of an abandonment dream.
You know, it was an abandonment dream.
How do I get to LAX?
Okay.
You want me to look at the directions?
Left, left.
No, I know where you're going.
You sure?
101 north to 405 south.
Right.
That's exactly what my direction said.
Yeah, correct.
So, all right, so... So I had this beautiful little cat, Criswell.
And I think it's this abandonment dream because I was like a mothering... I was like, Criswell, don't get lost in this huge foreign mall.
It was like this mall.
Can we roll down this window?
Ah, this huge farm wall.
He was just with me, and I was carrying my cat.
And you know cats, you don't take cats out.
No, I know.
You don't take them out.
You don't walk them like a dog.
No, no, no, it's ridiculous.
I just let them out.
But I just so didn't want to lose them.
So what do you think that, you know what I mean?
Like, I didn't want to lose my cat.
Well, you could be like that lady.
She's got two chihuahuas on her lap in the car next to her.
If those aren't Siamese chihuahuas, she's got a problem.
Two on her left.
Oh, my God.
What do you got in your ears?
Oh, what do you think of this?
I've been getting a lot of heat for this feather earring.
I don't know, unless you're going to grow a mullet to match it.
Oh, you see, you don't like it either.
No, no, it's all right.
Karen loves it, and I have taken some heavy-duty heat from, like... It's a dangling feather.
I mean, not, but it's like a metal feather.
A silver feather, not a real feather.
And I have... Did she buy it for you?
We both kind of bought it, but then when I started putting it on, the only way I would wear it is with the hat because it's so big.
It's big and dangling.
Yeah.
One girl said to me, oh, my God, it covers the entire part of your left head.
Yeah.
Your left face is just so big.
And, you know, I'm feeling like, fuck, man.
Did I make a mistake with this earring?
Yeah.
Well, the good thing about earrings is you just take it out.
You just take it out.
Is this a mistake?
Because I'll take this thing out.
No, what are you talking about?
You don't have to worry about that.
You should just let me.
Do I get right here?
Right here?
Right here.
You should just let me beat myself up for flying us out of LAX.
I'm a fucking idiot.
No.
Burbank is like five minutes from here.
It's right here.
I know where it is.
It's right by my house.
And yet I saw this ticket sitting there.
You know, I printed it out.
I feel like I'm responsible, though.
I feel like.
All right.
No, I feel like.
I feel like why didn't I say anything?
Want me to put the air on?
Yeah.
I feel like, why didn't I say anything?
And then I'm like, well, Mark.
No, it's just stupid.
I'm a guest.
This is Mark's gig.
You're not a guest, you're working.
Well, I know, I know.
But I don't know what the hell I was thinking.
In my mind, I somehow said, like, maybe they'll have a direct one from Phoenix.
But, of course, they do every five minutes.
And then this morning, I was like, maybe.
From Burbank, they do?
Of course.
And then I'm sitting there thinking this morning, maybe I can change it now.
Like, you know, I'm about to get in the car.
Ha, ha, ha, ha.
Like, I didn't have enough time for the last three fucking weeks.
Well, you have been busy, have you not?
I'm always busy.
I'm going out of my mind.
Now I'm worried we're going to get to this place.
We'll be fine.
No, we're going to have a good time.
But, you know, this guy, you know, he's paying us good money.
It's his first big show.
It's his big idea.
This is his first big show?
Well, it's his big idea.
You know, he's going to start bringing alternative comedy in.
He's got Jimmy Dore coming, Jimmy said.
He wants to know how it is, I'm sure.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
So, I mean, but I don't know what the situation is, but I do know that we're going to get there, and he's going to be like, yeah, I don't know what happened.
You know, I publicized it the best I could.
That's my anticipation.
Yeah.
Who the hell knows?
I just picked Eddie up, Eddie Pepitone.
We're going to Tempe, Arizona.
And by the way, folks, I am a little tired.
I am not a morning person.
I think you are, Mark.
I don't know.
Did you just put on your broadcaster voice?
Before we have a casual conversation.
No, no, no.
By the way, people.
Welcome to the show.
Look at these poor saps on... Look at this traffic.
405 South.
Coming this way.
I'm just glad it's not going the other way.
Oh, right.
We're not on the 405 yet.
We're on 101.
No, but these people are going to work, and we're going to fucking LAX, and then I've got to find that goddamn parking lot.
Oh, man.
You know what?
I'm making a big deal out of nothing.
We're going to have a good time.
My brother's picking us up.
We're going to have a car.
It's not that it matters to you.
I'm just lumping you in to all of my plans.
If you would rather the owner of the club pick you up and take you directly to the hotel, you can do that.
I don't know.
What's your plan with your brother?
Nothing.
We're just going to go get a car.
He's going to lend us a car.
Nice.
And we've got a radio show.
Oh, shit.
We've got to do radio in an hour from the airport.
Are you serious?
We've got to do a phoner.
But you and I are going in to do radio at four.
Okay, yeah.
I brought a CD for that.
Oh, you did?
Yeah.
What do you mean you brought a CD?
You're not going to talk and you're going to say, I know I'm here.
But just, let's just play the thing from the CD.
It's much better than anything I could do here.
I think you should start tailgating this cop.
Oh, good.
He's leaving.
It gets me so nervous when cops are either directly in front of me or particularly directly behind me.
Yeah.
I feel like they're going to find out every fucking thing about, like, it has nothing to do with my driving.
It's all about, like, what they're going to find out.
So you think they're going to do a background check and find your psychological history?
Yes!
Yes!
Yes!
We know you don't have any drugs, Mr. Peppertone.
And you were driving fine.
But there's some things in your past that concern us.
But why didn't you love anybody?
Why haven't you?
Like, he pulls me over and he's like, how come you use people?
Really?
You're a narcissist?
You better write that down.
Afraid of cops.
Not because I'm doing anything wrong.
But if they do a background check, they're going to take me to task for my entire psychological history.
For how bad I've been to people on an emotional level.
Totally.
Totally.
I'm serious that I really have that with cops.
When they come to the window, because I was speeding, and I've recently gotten two speeding tickets driving from L.A.
to San Francisco, which is fucked, you know?
On the 5?
On the 5.
It's a long haul.
On the 5.
It's a longer haul on the coastal route, but it's prettier, and you can get nauseous.
Yeah, the curves is unbelievable.
Have you seen the sea elephants?
Yeah.
Where are those seals?
Where are they?
That is amazing.
You have not seen them?
I have seen them.
Where is it, though?
It's outside of... They're called... Yeah.
Elephant seals?
The elephant seals, but they're right outside of San Simeon.
Right by the Hearst Castle.
That's where I've seen them.
For two months a year, they sit there and they just fuck on the beach and they lay around and people stop and look at them.
That's right.
And they're just sitting there fucking.
I didn't know they were sitting there fucking.
When I saw them.
We go to South.
Yeah.
When I saw them, they just lay there and it's wild.
I thought it was spectacular.
Yeah, they're like two tons.
Yeah.
On the beach, just hanging out, fucking.
And there are kids watching it, so their parents have to explain that.
I didn't know they were fucking.
What do you think they're doing there?
Well, I've seen them a couple of times.
And yeah, they're beautiful.
They're beautiful.
So Eddie and I are going to Tempe, Arizona to do a show together.
We have not worked together in this context.
That's right.
We have no idea what we're getting into.
In terms of audience or anything else.
Jim Earl told me, watch out for the blue hairs.
Marin draws blue hairs.
Now, did he do a show with you at a piano place or something?
Somewhere?
Yes.
And he said there were a bunch of blue-haired ladies who loved you and hated him.
Well, I mean, he's going to think they hate him no matter what, but that's besides the point.
It wasn't relative to...
to the experience he had with me.
But no, the woman who booked that show has a mailing list, and they're older Jewish lefty type of people.
Oh, lefties, huh?
Yeah, I draw some old hippies.
You know, this looks pretty good.
And actually, you can use the carpool lane, which is nice.
Because I got you in the car?
That's right.
So we're going to Tempe.
We're doing two nights.
We're going to see my brother.
We're going to spend some time trying to get Eddie to enjoy life.
Because a lot of people have been asking Eddie.
They've been saying, why don't you have Eddie on for the whole show?
And I say, have you ever tried to talk to Eddie?
You know, what are you going to do?
Are you going to race me on this?
Oh, you prick.
You won.
You prick.
Now, where do you stand on road rage?
I don't care.
Oh, okay.
Are you good at letting it go?
Like, I don't have it.
You don't have it?
Oh.
Wow.
What am I going to do?
Because I get real macho.
Like that guy.
Now, folks, you didn't see this, but this guy just cut Mark off.
Mark is entering the highway, and this guy would not let him enter.
And he sped up and cut him off.
And really, it was a little bit of a dangerous asshole move on the car.
Yeah, because I was stuck without a lane.
We're stuck without a lane.
A man without a lane.
Get to your left.
A man without a lane.
I'm going to have a lane in a minute.
It's going to be to the left of the one that I have.
But we're going to Tempe.
This guy, we're doing the first of a series of what looks to be alternative, newer comic shows being put on by a guy who has a booker for a theater complex of some kind.
My suspicion is we're going to get there, and he's going to think that because of WTF and because of my pictures and my resume, that the college kids are just going to flock.
But the college kids should flock to both of us.
Look, we can talk in hypotheticals all we want, but from experience...
I'm no Dimitri Martin.
Does he take a lot of heat, that kid, Dimitri Martin?
What I'm anticipating as we get there, the guy says, look, I did everything I could with the publicity, and I don't know, we're going to move you to the small room.
You don't mind playing in the coffee shop, do you?
So...
So we'll see what happens.
That'll fuck me up big time, by the way.
It will?
Well, then prepare yourself.
Oh, my God.
What do you mean it'll fuck you up?
What are you expecting?
What, are you expecting Patton Oswalt fan?
You know I can close, but you... You're much more consistent than me.
Like, I have home run sets, and I also have... I don't know if that's true.
I think that if we were to actually... If there were some rating system...
That if we could... I don't know.
A Zagat's Guide to Comedians?
Well, a Zagat's Guide or some sort of, like, way to go online and say, you know, a Marc Maron consistency graph going back to, say, 2001.
I would say... Well, you're very interesting because when you get on stage, you really...
It is a relationship with you because when an audience is with you, you really can go.
You can just go.
Yeah.
You know, and you could go forever.
Now, when an audience isn't with you, it's very interesting, as it is, I think, for any good comic.
When an audience is not with them, then all kinds of stuff can rear its head, which is very interesting to watch.
I'd like you to meet what my parents did to me.
Exactly.
Exactly.
Exactly.
This is what my parents did to me, and this is why I'm disappointed with you, but I'm more disappointed with me, thinking that you wouldn't be disappointed with me, and because I'm assuming all these things, someone's got to pay.
Now, that's the thing with me, too.
When I've gotten angry at an audience, I have realized it is the worst thing.
Like, I have gotten viciously angry at some audience members, and...
It has been a horrible thing where the rest of the audience turns on me.
Sure, because you push it over the edge.
You're like, look, he doesn't deserve that because you've got problems.
Right.
Well, it seems to me, Eddie, that we're going to have a very interesting time, and maybe I should tape some of the sets.
You all right?
Yeah, I'm good.
That was a lot of work for you.
I know you're tired.
Well, I just got in the car.
You want to drink some of my coffee?
Did you drink coffee?
Are you really going to drink?
It's black.
Can I have a little bit?
Yeah, yeah.
Do you know mine?
No.
I've gotten my shots.
I've gotten my shots.
I don't know if I have.
It's you're the one at risk.
Oh, man.
Do you drink it black?
I'm old enough to have lived through whatever might have happened 10 years ago, but I can't tell you.
I can't vouch for the last two years.
The last two years?
Yeah.
All right.
Enjoy the coffee.
So, Eddie, we landed.
We're here.
We're waiting for my brother who, of course, you know, I've got a schedule here that he's got to pick us up, take us to his house.
We can borrow his car so we can get around because that's the way I'm doing it.
And also I can see him.
But, of course, I call him.
He's like, I can't.
I just got a call from the school.
My kid's sick.
I got to pick him up.
Then I'll pick you guys up.
And pardon me, I'm selfish.
I don't know if I'm selfish, but I'm thinking...
Always with the kids.
You know, I've got to be somewhere.
Let me just walk people through what I went through on the plane there.
We're on the plane.
Eddie has his... Eckhart Tolle.
Eddie's got his headset on.
He's listening to Eckhart Tolle the whole way.
Eckhart Tolle, I think.
Isn't it Tolle?
Tolle, yeah.
That's what you do.
You get on.
I'm like, what, are you going to leave me here alone?
You're like, I've got to listen to Eckhart Tolle.
So you're there with your eyes closed, listening to Eckhart Tolle.
Behind me, I'm hearing beeping sounds, like somebody left their phone on, like an out-of-range beep.
But I'm not panicking.
I'm like, it can't be a bomb.
Probably the guy just left his phone on.
Then about half hour into the flight, the guy starts chanting.
But I can't figure out what it is.
All I'm hearing is like, but he looks like a Latino guy.
So then I stick my ear and I look over the seat and he gives me a crazy cockeyed look.
Of course, any look's going to be cockeyed to me after I've established that they've been chanting.
And I stick my ear up to the crack, and what he's saying is like, I'm a bad person.
I need your help.
I am very discouraged.
I need your help.
I want to be in your presence.
I need your help.
Now, picture this.
I am completely in a peaceful state of mind listening to Eckhart Tolle talk about the fact that we don't need to be imprisoned.
And Mark taps me on the shoulder and basically says to me, we are all going to die pretty soon.
I didn't say that.
I said the guy behind me is chanting.
Right.
But the subtext was, Eddie, I believe someone is emotionally unstable.
There's a beeping thing.
He's chanting.
And I turned around, and sure enough, he was chanting.
He was crying.
And he was crying.
And this gentleman was crying, a Latino guy in a Dodger cap.
Now, look, the Dodgers got off to a slow start, but it's no reason to blow up the plane, you know?
I mean, they did win a game against the Pirates.
They're 1-2.
But Mark...
was thinking we're going to be the victim of a terrorist attack.
And that's, you know, I'm trying to relax and be calm.
And it wasn't the best thing to get woken up to.
But it was like five minutes of like, you know, what are the odds that I'm going to be the guy that's in the seat in front of the guy?
Am I going to make an issue of it?
And I'm a little bit freaking out.
But I started listening for keywords like Allah, Allah, keyword Allah, bad.
Not bad in the sense that I have any problem with the Muslim religion.
or Islam in general, but in the context, with the beeping, with the crying, an Allah would be bad.
So I listened for a while longer, and then what happens, we're about 15 minutes out from Phoenix, and he takes a phone call on his phone, in flight.
So this is a horrible transgression, according to the new rules of flying, but it comforted me.
Because he said, I'm almost on the ground.
I'll be there in 15 minutes.
I can't hear you.
I'm on the plane.
Right.
He obviously had a connection in Phoenix that he wanted to get to.
So Mark and me then calmed down that we weren't going to go up into flames.
And then he lost the phone call.
And then he started doing the chanting again.
And I heard keyword Jesus.
And I felt better.
Between the phone call and keyword Jesus, I felt better.
And then you leaned into me and said, you know, maybe I should do more singing.
Maybe I should do lounge singing.
This is how you bounce back from the situation at hand.
Yeah.
Well, I let terror fuel my comedy, and I'm thinking of doing a lounge act, but not a typical lounge act.
Wait, what are you going to put on the tuxedo?
You got a full orchestra?
Maybe a full orchestra eventually, but at first just a couple of piece band.
And I'm just singing kind of Sinatra-like, but the subject matter is about inner demons.
You know, sort of like, I grew up in Brooklyn.
My mother died alone.
Was it my fault?
I think so.
I think it was.
I never loved her enough.
And kind of upbeat Sinatra style, but the subject matter is very, very... Keep going with it.
Keep going with it.
okay i am a person who has inner demons so so many hey do you have inner demons young lady are they as big as mine i don't think i love myself how about you how about
I'm scared and frightened and alone, but the one thing I have is this microphone.
The way that I deal with my mother's death is to overeat and watch pornography, watching strangers fuck and eating pudding.
That's the way I deal with my mother's death.
I like it.
I think that somebody hit my brother's car while we were sleeping.
It just makes me think the human race is not cool.
I don't know, man.
I just don't know if that dent was there on top of everything else.
I know I didn't park that great, but I mean, it looks like it was done out of spite.
It does look like it was done out of spite, you know?
It's all... And, you know, I'm looking at birds, and right now, you know, we're looking at... There's some birds...
And they're beautiful.
Shut the window.
I'll put the air on.
We have a lot to talk about.
All right.
So we did the first show last night.
There were two shows.
I feel good about the crowds.
I don't feel great about the crowd sizes, but they were there to see us.
And this place was a multiplex cinema that they made into an art center, but they didn't really change it that much.
How did you feel about it?
Um, I loved it.
I loved it.
The first show was a decent-sized crowd.
Second show, you know, small.
But everybody was with us completely, you know?
I felt like I attacked a guy in the second show who was alone, and I didn't need to do that.
You felt bad?
I felt bad.
Oh, my God.
What did we eat last night, Eddie?
That was terrible.
Um...
Yeah.
Are you thinking about that?
How did that happen?
Well, we only had a couple of minutes in between shows.
Right.
So we had to go to a place that was right next to the theater.
Yeah.
And it wound up being Jack in the Box.
Right.
And I haven't eaten in Jack in the Box in years.
I've seen the commercials.
Not a fan of the guy with the ping pong ball head.
Yeah.
Wound up getting what you were like, oh, I get the chicken club.
So I get the chicken club and it is just covered in bacon and mayonnaise.
What do you think a club sandwich is?
I mean, that's how you... Is that right?
Yeah, sure.
I mean, you've been a liar.
I don't know.
I thought because it was chicken, it would be healthy.
But I realized it was just, you know, a heart attack on a bun.
How do you feel about it today?
I had something called the sourdough beef shit fest I had.
Was that what it was?
It was just like boxes after boxes of options.
I kept looking at it.
I never eat a Jack in a Box.
I was like, what is the best one?
Do I get the number one with the goop and the beef or the number two with the goop and the chicken and the number three with the goop and the fried chicken and the bacon?
What is the picture?
You know, the pictures they have of the Jack in the Box things are like crime scene photos.
You know, you just you just see the you see the the club sandwich after it has killed you or something.
Which one's the culprit?
Like a lineup?
Yeah, it's like a lineup.
Oh, that's the one.
That's the one officer.
That's the one I want to eat.
And then after that, how about the reward?
Then me and Mark had to reward ourselves.
You know, we did the second show.
We were tired.
I signed some CDs.
Thank you all, you WTFers that came out to the show last night.
It was very nice to see you.
I talked to the people.
We had a little bonding.
Some guy talked to us about his dreams to be a fiction writer.
He's going to Columbia.
We were very available, I think, for those people.
Yeah.
As a matter of fact, I think we were a little too available because I remember that we started hassling the audience a little bit because we had to get our parking validated.
Yeah.
And, again, it was the guy who wanted to be a writer, a very nice guy.
And I started heckling his friend who couldn't do the parking validation machine.
They're tough machines, you know.
They got a little extra show.
They got a little extra show, but I felt like afterwards they were like, all right, all right, enough.
Thank you, guys.
I felt like they were the... Yeah, we were bothering them.
We were bothering the fans like, hey, hey, hey, where are you going, guys?
Oh, we just got to go home.
Can we go?
Hey, I need to go to a coffee shop before anything.
Yeah?
Oh, yeah.
Please, Mark.
You're in trouble?
No, I mean, I haven't had coffee yet.
But what do you want to do?
You want to go to the McDonald's?
Oh, well, let's go near your brother, wherever you want to go, but I need coffee before your brother's house.
I want to drink some coffee.
Okay, okay, we're going to get coffee.
By the way, so you... I was up early.
I made two waffles.
I watched the CNN.
You made waffles in your Clarion hotel room?
No, no.
Do you bring batter?
They have free breakfast, and you can make your own waffles.
They had eggs and bacon and the whole thing.
What time were you up?
I got up at like 8, 8.30.
All right, so after the show, Eddie and I, it's 12.30.
There's no reason for us to eat more other than that's what we do.
So we had to have a discussion, and the discussion revolved around, do we deserve a reward for what we've done?
Like, I don't do drugs.
I don't drink.
Same here.
How is this going to work out?
Because I know the best I can do is say, good show, and either go back to my room and masturbate without having eaten ice cream or with eating ice cream.
So Eddie and I are like...
We're almost out of the woods.
We don't have to go eat ice cream because you said you're concerned about your health because you're old and you're not in good shape.
I wish you wouldn't put it like that.
I'm sorry.
You were just concerned because you're... No, it's a slippery slope for me.
As soon as I start eating badly again, I binge.
I binge for a few days and then I have to go through the withdrawals again.
The food addiction is a nasty one.
I know I have it too, but apparently not as bad as you.
I feel like there's a backhand shot.
No, there's no backhand shot.
I'll explain it.
So we go to Circle K and we try to find out how to reward ourselves.
So we walk in.
I'm looking in the ice cream case.
And then the guy at the Circle K goes, there's more in the back.
And you go, literally, your face would up.
And you go, pints?
He said, pints?
You know...
Did you not do that?
Yeah, I did.
I did.
And sure enough.
We go look at the pints and you choose, and then you get a pint out of the freezer.
Triple caramel chunk.
Did you eat the whole thing?
Oh, yeah.
You were funny.
Like, oh, I think you got a freezer.
You could keep it in the freezer.
And I was like, what are you kidding?
And I even did the thing where I got more than one plastic spoon, because when you have a pint and it's a little hard, I always go through a few spoons, but I usually only have one spoon, and then I'm like, ah, fuck, I should have got more spoons.
But anyway, I did get three spoons.
And you want to get right into it.
Right.
You can't wait until it's done.
And I was sort of like an assassin with it because I played it so beautifully.
I had to make a phone call to my girlfriend, and I just let it temper.
And really, the phone call to my girlfriend, it was just to let this thing temper, you know?
Right.
You're like, this will give me an excuse, take my mind off the softener, the ice cream.
Exactly.
I chose to get...
the frozen Twix, you know, the Twix ice cream bar, and an ice cream sandwich, a classic ice cream sandwich.
And I think that you saw my... You devoured the ice cream sandwich.
It was an amazing... Now, you did two hours last night, over two hours, so I felt like you really earned it.
I only did like 30 minutes, something like that, and I felt like I deserved a pint.
So if I did what you did, I hasten to think... How much I would have eaten?
Yeah.
But I think you were a little jealous about my decision because you saw me wolf through.
It's true.
I wolfed through the ice cream sandwich, and then I was just finishing it up as we got to the hotel, which was literally across the street from the Circle K. And then you noticed in my pocket that I had the backup Twix bar, had a little variety, and I was going to get a little more of that gratification of going in my room with the separate item.
And it seemed like, and this is my head.
I'm a professional.
I know how to plan this stuff.
And it also, part of the jealousy was, too, I was like, oh, wow, Mark is only having two little things, and I'm having this huge pint of triple caramel chunk, you know?
I just really couldn't commit to that because with me, I do play this game with a pint where I'll eat.
What do you do?
Well, I'll eat half of it, and then I'll put it in the freezer, and I'll sit down and watch TV for a half hour, and then I'll go back, and I'll eat two spoonfuls, and then I go back to the couch, and I'm like, you know, maybe just a little more.
And then usually I'll leave literally three spoonfuls in and say, like, I didn't eat the whole thing and go to bed.
I like the way that in the parking lot of the Circle K, because we knew we were rewarding ourselves, that both of us held our ice cream products over our head as if we just won the gold in the Olympics.
And there was nobody in the parking lot but a guy with a puppy that, quite honestly, the guy with that puppy in the parking lot looked more lost than the dog did.
I did.
Well, all in all, the shows went pretty well as far as our performances and the audience seemed to like them.
Tonight is Saturday.
We have two shows.
Now we're driving to Craig's house, my brother, to break in the news.
Oh, about the car.
Yeah, yeah.
But he's getting bagels.
Oh, is he?
And whitefish and lox.
Oh.
What do you think of that?
Well, I think that's great.
Now, you know, I cut out sugar and flour and lost 45 pounds.
So, you know, eating the sugar, eating the flour, it's a little guilt for me.
I don't want to die of a heart attack, but I also want to enjoy life.
So it's this balancing act of, like, I want to enjoy life, but I don't want to die of a heart attack.
So I don't know.
I think that if I exercise later, I'll be fine.
When?
Today?
Yeah, but I'm not going to do it today.
There's no way.
There's no way.
Maybe I can stop and get you some nice vinegar coleslaw or salad.
Uh-oh.
It looks like I missed a turn.
Ah, shit.
I don't even know what I got to do now.
Vehicle fire.
And there's a vehicle fire up ahead, folks.
There's a sign that just said vehicle fire.
Oh, man.
Let's get off this.
Let's.
Freeway exit on the right.
All right, well, this is turning into a little bit of a nightmare.
The car's dented.
There's a freeway fire.
I haven't had my coffee.
Everybody's exiting here, too.
Oh, boy.
I don't... Just relax.
Relax.
Maybe we'll luck out, and this fluke of having to get off here will give us a coffee place.
By the way, Tempe, I would think they have a lot of freeway fires.
I would think things just spontaneously...
Combust in Tempe.
It's like 190 degrees.
I got a lot of laughs talking about the weather here.
People laugh at it.
Yes, you got laughs.
You're very funny.
Look, folks, I'm just a laugh approval machine.
I like how you interjected every 10 minutes in my act.
Oh, man.
Now, I thought it was funny at first.
And then there was a point where I thought you really did get angry, and maybe rightfully so.
And you were very honest on stage saying, you know, Eddie, I have a rhythm here.
And I'm thinking, oh, am I fucking up Mark's rhythm?
I mean, we did talk about doing some stuff together.
This is doing stuff together.
But was it bothering you after a while?
I thought we were going to plan this stuff.
I didn't realize that you were just going to heckle me.
I love heckling other comics.
I really do.
I really do.
I get heckled a lot in clubs, but it's usually generic but accurate, like, Eddie, you suck.
But I was wondering, I was wondering, what would the heckling be like if someone in the audience knew me as well as I know myself?
What would the real specific heckling be like?
I think it would go like this.
Hey, Peppertone!
How come you dream about red birds attacking you at night?
What the fuck is that?
Your shrink says the red represents the inside of a vagina!
Or your angle, what do you think?
Also, how come you eat Napoleons at 2 in the morning?
That's an afternoon food, look at you!
You wear Moo Moo shirts now!
Hey!
Yeah, I'm talking to you.
Or don't fucking give me shit.
You wrote this bit.
Yes, you are a self-sabotager.
You even heckle yourself.
How come your sister starts all our emails to you, dear garbage, and you haven't paid your father back that 15 grand?
Oh, I know he doesn't need it!
But you said you were gonna make a payment arrangement!
And you never fucking did!
You never did!
No, you cannot get me back there!
You cannot get me back!
How come you always watch the JFK assassination in a loop late at night?
and you jerk off to UFC fights!
Nobody knows that about you!
Fuck you, buddy!
Fuck you!
You also went to a western store today called Sabba's and you always try to blend in.
You got a couple of cowboy shirts
But you're a Jew!
You can't do it, you motherfucker!
You cannot look like a cowboy!
What an asshole!
What an asshole!
You don't like that, I think.
Oh, wow.
Look at this traffic.
You made a wrong turn.
And now we're stuck in a lot of shit.
No, but we're getting off.
We're okay because the traffic is on the highway.
This exit traffic is just other people that were like, we better get off of this.
Wow, this looks terrible.
This looks L.A.
proportions now.
I'm glad we got off, and I'm mad that I missed the turn, but we're talking.
We'll go back, right?
No, of course we'll go back.
What are the other options?
No, sometimes when I get lost, I feel like I'm going to have to settle down in the town nearest the next exit because I have no idea where the fuck I am and I'm going to have to raise a family in some exit.
I don't know where I am.
That's the only time you actually think about raising a family?
Yes, the only time I think about raising a family is when I miss an exit on a highway.
It's like, I'm going to have to be a homesteader.
Yeah.
I'm probably going to have to, I better find a lumber store because I'm going to have to build a house for my future wife and children.
All the old-timey references come back.
I feel like I'm foraging for things.
Uh-huh.
You had a very funny thing about how let's talk, when you addressed the audience at the beginning of the second show, which was very sparsely populated, you said, let's talk.
See, now we could lie.
You know, we could lie.
We could lie.
I never thought it was a good idea to lie about it.
Why lie?
No, I know.
I'm not that kind of.
I don't like spin.
I don't like spin.
Other comics would have been like great crowds.
You know what I mean?
Right, right, right, right.
If I could paint the picture, I'm recording this for perhaps use on the podcast because Eddie and I are doing a sort of road trip version of WTF.
I don't know if you listen to WTF, but thank you very much.
So you're probably going to know some of the stories I'm going to tell, but I just want to paint a picture.
We're in a movie theater that they really went out of their way to make it feel like it's not a movie theater anymore.
That it was once a multiplex.
How the fuck does a multiplex fail?
So it's someone's idea to make it an art center.
Now, let me try to paint a picture.
From the stage, given that I really... What it looks like is, you know, if you were watching a movie, and in the movie, they were watching a movie, and then they cut to the audience, and it wasn't a full theater.
Yeah.
That's what I'm looking at now.
Just scattered people, a couple of guys alone, some couples.
It would be cut to in a movie if they were to show that no one was at the theater to create ambiance.
And they spared no expense in not doing anything with the screen.
There's a full screen behind me, which is always good when you're a comedian.
You want something to make you feel smaller and insignificant.
And...
And the great thing about having a blank screen behind you in a movie theater when you're in front of it is that whether or not any of you are thinking this, because you know in your conscious presence that you're at a comedy show, but some part of you is thinking, when's the movie going to start?
When's a guy going to get off so the movie starts?
So that's what we're doing here, folks who are listening at home.
I don't want to paint a sad picture because, you know, I think it should be said that we're in a very densely populated college town.
and that none of them came.
Not only do I not attract young people, I repel them.
It was almost as if they were maybe looking at the posters around campus going, oh, we've got to tell everyone not to go see that guy.
Spread the word, Mark Maron is coming, and we should do everything we can to make sure nobody goes to see him.
Because he'll challenge our raw, innocent sensibilities and shit on our fucked up parade.
Wow.
Look at that.
Oh, my God.
I'm so glad we got out of there right in time.
Now, could you imagine us doing the podcast in that?
That would have been horrific.
It would have been horrific.
Oh, my God.
Because I would have had road rage in that.
But I kind of want to see the burning car.
I know.
I want to see the burning car, too.
All right.
So we're going to go to my brother's.
I'm looking forward to bagels and lox.
Yeah, and I don't know if there's going to be seven children there or three.
I tell you, I'm not looking forward to all the kids, though, because when I travel, I get very lone wolfy.
Obviously, you're not, since you're visiting 20 people right now.
I get very lone wolfy.
As opposed to your regular life?
Well, my regular life, I am a little social.
I am social.
I try to be social.
But when I get on the road, I'm like, all right, this is my time.
This is my time to relax.
I got my hotel room.
I got my hotel room.
I got my books.
I love reading novels on the road.
I'm reading a novel now called The House of Leaves.
Sorry, buddy.
Oh, man.
We better get off the podcast.
I'm just trying to watch the GPS and listen to you.
Well, that's why we should maybe get off the podcast while we're driving.
No, this is important.
This is worth dying for.
That's true.
You didn't know porn last night?
No, but I did masturbate, and it was the first time in a long time.
You know, I'm living with someone.
We have regular sex, so this was interesting.
Was it special?
To masturbate for the first time in a while, I really let my fantasies go.
Last night, but I don't know about you, but with my masturbation fantasies, it always winds up being a choice of three scenarios.
Like, I always focus in on three different people, and it's been going like this for 25 years.
I always go back to the same people.
Yeah, I used to do a joke about it.
You know what I mean?
I used to do a joke about it.
yeah i've still got like uh there's a few people in there from like when i was in high school like my my my buddy's mom my buddy's mom is in there and i don't you know and i don't i haven't aged them obviously you know i just keep them pristine as i remember them when i was 15 but usually i think i have a fairly broad repertoire you know there's you do yeah well there's about 10 or 15 maybe 20 different people in there wow but like like anything else i always wind up on the same three people yeah well i lock in on a few you do lock
But also, I've gotten very lazy because of you, porn.
Like, I don't even engage my fantasy.
Oh, you know what?
I stay away from, again, you know, I hate to keep hitting the addiction note, but I stay away from pornography now because I just think that if I go to it because it's free or like you, porn, red, tube, whatever the fuck, I would just go to it all the time.
And I don't want to do that.
I don't want to have to withdraw from that crap.
do it i don't do it at all maybe i should probably pull out pull away i also find it very frustrating um because when i do do the the free porn thing they give you so many fucking choices no pun intended they give you so many fucking choices and i'm never satisfied it's like trying to find the right suite
Or the right drug.
It's sort of humiliating to sit there going, no, no, no, no, yes.
And then you click on the one that you said yes.
And after two seconds, you're like, no, no, this is not what I, I wanted a tie down and I wanted it to be a frenzy and it's not a frenzy.
Well, you know, each to their own.
Now you're going to make me feel like I'm weird, right?
No, you're not weird.
No, you know what I mean.
Let's find you some coffee.
I need coffee, yeah.
So, uh, all right, so I called my brother.
He wrecked the car.
It's not us.
Yeah, I told you right away.
I said, I bet that wasn't you.
But then you convinced me it was, so then I got behind you on that.
Like, oh, man, who did it?
But now I should have gone with my first instinct.
Where's the house?
I don't know.
It's down here, right?
I don't know.
Yeah, I think so.
I, uh, this doesn't look right.
Oh, yeah, it is.
Is this it?
This is the house here, right?
No, this isn't right.
Legal U-turn.
It's not going to be hard when I call the check.
Look at these fucking houses with these columns.
What are they thinking?
That's called Roman.
McMansion's a McMansion, no matter what.
You can put columns in front of it, but it looks roughly like a house next to yours.
This one's a little nicer.
All right, so now there's going to be kids.
My wife's... My wife's... My brother's wife's kids, Isaac and Nathan, are here.
And my brother's kids...
are Shai and I think Eden's here.
Who's that?
Is that Shai?
No, that's a kid.
I don't know.
All right.
It's just a random kid.
Here we go.
Yeah.
So, are you going to be all right with all the kids?
I don't know this kid.
I don't know.
You don't know?
I don't know.
What's going to happen?
I just, like I said, I'm a lone wolf.
You're a lone wolf?
I don't even know what that means.
How you doing, buddy?
Good.
Oh, that's, uh, you're Nathan, right?
What?
What's your name again?
Isaac.
You're Isaac?
Yep.
Nice to see you again.
Yeah.
Where's your brother?
Your brother's Nathan, right?
Ethan.
Ethan.
I was close.
Where's Ethan?
Hey, man.
How's it going?
Yeah?
This is my friend, Eddie.
Hi.
Hi, everybody.
Eden.
This is my friend, Eddie.
This is my niece.
Hi.
They're shy.
Hi, buddy.
How you doing, buddy?
Good.
So what have I missed?
When was the last time I saw you guys?
Like six months ago?
Two months ago.
Two months?
It's just been two months?
I think.
Eddie, I'm sorry.
You're not getting enough attention.
Yeah, I just want to say that things are going good for me.
I got a nice big...
coffee and um everybody i just want to say hello to everybody i feel like some of the kids like me some of the kids don't that's my first impression some of the kids think you're weird some of the kids think i'm weird but uh yeah when you talk to the kids a lot i feel like you know hey i'm over here you know i know well that's your problem eddie you're a large child but i have a
What are your first impressions of Eddie, Shai?
What do you think of him right away?
Weird teeth.
Weird teeth?
Weird teeth?
Now, I never... My parents never fixed him.
And that was... Oh, here we go.
Weird teeth is the first impression.
Really?
Sure, just blame it all on your parents.
Ethan's calling Eddie on his shit.
This kid's 12.
Blame it all...
Shai, what did you just say about Eddie?
Nothing.
No, say it again.
I said nothing.
The more mean we get to Eddie, the more he gets respected.
I think that's interesting.
I think Eddie's parents had the same idea.
What's going on out here?
Eddie, you're playing... I'm not doing well.
Yeah, it's 11-6.
You're playing ping pong.
Yes, I am.
I try to keep in shape, like I told you.
This is what we wanted to do, get you relaxed a little bit.
So you're getting cocky now.
Look at you relaxing and playing.
Do you like this?
Nice one, Eddie.
Yeah.
I think it was completely lucky, but you got the plan.
I don't think so.
You don't think so?
9-14.
You planned for it to spin and lob like that and barely hit the table?
Yes, I did.
I have finesse.
All right.
You see it on stage with me.
I also do it.
I think Eddie's turning it around.
You know, if Eddie wins, he's not going to be funny tonight.
Don't say that.
Darn it.
Point.
Oh, that was a brutal laugh, sir.
All right, don't hurt anybody.
Easy.
No, no.
You need some crying time?
It seems like a good kid.
We just dropped...
Isaac off at a, I'm sorry, Ethan off at a baseball game.
Got the Blackberry doing the GPS thing.
I'm in the car with my brother, Craig Marin and Eddie Pepitone in back, who I think did pretty well with the kids.
I think it made you feel better, didn't it, Eddie?
Yeah.
Yeah.
I like the I like ping pong.
I like baseball.
It just reminded me.
It reminded me of when I used to hang out with my cousins, when my when I had an extended family.
I didn't want this to become a sad story.
Oh, I'm sorry.
No, it's OK.
Now, you know.
I've talked about my brother on the show before, and Eddie, I'm just going to have you here to witness what's going to happen.
I'm going to keep it relatively focused here because I don't want it to get ugly.
Okay.
Because Craig and I, before you know it, I've done something wrong.
It just happens that way.
So we'll keep it focused on the fact that Craig has three kids, his wife has...
And they were all there at the same time.
And I think what I need to do now is I think this is going to be an intervention.
I've been meaning to say this for a while, but I think you're addicted to children.
And I don't know where it stops.
Are you planning on having more children?
It's funny you should ask that question.
Tell me you're kidding.
What we're doing, though, this is an organization here in town called Ask.
It's called the Aid...
Aid to Adoption of Special Kids.
And it's an agency for kids who have been passed from one foster home to another foster home.
And they have a program called the Special Friends Program where they hook you up with a kid and every weekend or every other weekend they come and spend a day with you.
And so the whole idea is to give a kid a look at what it's like and a...
That is great, by the way.
That is great.
In a regular family.
So we thought, one, it would make our kids a little more aware of what's out there in the world so they're not quite as spoiled as they are.
And I don't know.
We thought we'd just see if we can do it.
Well, I think that's a noble thing, but, I mean, to bring a kid into a household with seven children and try to pass that off as normal, I think, is a little crazy.
I think we stay away from the word normal, and I think that the kid's been jumping around from foster home to foster home, so he's always got a solid nine or ten other people in the house.
So I think we should be all right.
That's awesome.
I think that's great, by the way, Mark.
This is something you would never do.
You know what I mean?
It's a beautiful thing.
I'm having misgivings about having you on the microphone.
Not unlike the show last night.
I'm calling it the way I see it.
I'm trying to have a conversation with my brother about something serious, and you take an opportunity to make me look stupid.
Is that what you just did?
No, no, no.
I just want to say... Just behave yourself for five minutes.
Now...
Seven kids.
I think maybe we should let my audience know that your particular ex's situation, you and your wife Rachel's ex's, have a unique situation, and that is?
That they got married to one another as well.
So our kids are either...
Our kids are always with one parent.
My kids are always with me or they're with my ex.
It's the same with Rachel.
So they go back and forth together.
The kids, for the most part, see each other more than we do.
So basically you're saying that this is all fine for the kids.
They just had to make an awkward switch in the middle of things.
Okay, mommy lives with those guys' father, and now daddy lives with those guys' mother.
And that's it.
And they have come to the table once or twice and said, hey, dad, isn't it weird that they're married and you're married?
And we say, yeah, it's unique.
Do you ever say, yeah, it's weird, and, like, I don't know why she did that?
No.
Try to stay away from that.
From judgment?
Try to stay away from judgment and opinions because at the end of the day, it's all really good to try not to screw it up.
Now, what I'd like to also talk about, which is very interesting to me, is that your kids are adopted.
All of them are adopted, and you actually met all the mothers of all these children and were there at the births of at least two of them.
We were there at the births of all three of the children, and we met the birth parents of all three of them.
And now, how do you handle that with them?
They all know they're adopted?
Yeah.
They all know they're adopted.
They all have seen pictures, and we talk about their birth mother.
And if we have the information, their birth fathers.
We've celebrated that as a positive thing.
And my philosophy on that one was it can't be bad that there's more people out there that love you
And, you know, they just couldn't they just couldn't, you know, do the parenting role.
And so they found somebody who could.
Now, do you anticipate and by the way, that's very noble and very touching.
Do you anticipate in the future that there's going to be, you know, a moment?
Are you anticipating the, you know, I want to meet my real parents, any sort of anger or do you feel that you're nipping that in the bud now?
I definitely think we'll get some of that.
Up until now, the questions have come at pretty random moments.
We're sitting around eating dinner, and one of them will pop out and say, so do I have any other biological brothers or sisters?
And we'll be like, well, yeah.
We'll talk a little bit about it, and they'll say, are we good?
Did I handle the question okay?
She's like, yeah, we're fine.
Yeah.
And I when we just did when we went through the open adoption at the very beginning, you get a lot of fear.
What if they come back and who are they?
Are they just going to show up back in our lives again?
And at this point, after all these years, I would very much welcome.
the opportunity for them to meet their birth mom.
I think that would be a great thing for them.
So they would know, hey, look, this woman's a great person and she loves me.
She didn't get rid of me.
So I think that would be great.
I don't think it's going to happen, but I would be open to it happening.
That's pretty amazing.
So, okay, so at this point you don't anticipate, you know, someone showing up angrily and saying, you know, I want my child back.
No, but I do anticipate, you know, during a tantrum for the kids to say, well, my real mom and dad wouldn't do that.
You know, that's kind of standard adopted kid behavior to your parent.
Has that happened yet?
No.
Yeah, I'm trying to think.
I think I've heard I'm going to go back to Brandy for my eldest in a tantrum, say she's going to do that.
And, you know, tantrums like that, you just kind of ride it out.
Our eldest
Her grandmother, Grandma Sue, works at Costco.
This is her birth grandma.
Yeah, her birth grandma works at Costco, and so every birthday she gets just these killer huge boxes of all these fun things.
Like a lot of them.
Yeah, like a lot of things.
So we have pretty good communication there with Grandma Sue.
With the other two, we try for a long time, and we continue to try annually to...
to keep the relationship alive through pictures or through a letter and it just hasn't it just we don't know what's happening on the other side but that's okay in one way that's okay too because maybe they can't handle it absolutely and i know there was some concern it's interesting because it seems that i guess the youngest shies what are their ages they're um nine and eleven and twelve and
And the youngest was sort of a spontaneous thing.
It was a very young couple that weren't married, and she had had several children before.
That was Eden's parents, but Shai's parents, it was just an accident.
Yeah, we actually got a phone call, which is very rare, but we got a phone call, and I entered the phone, and...
Andy and I, at the time, were just sitting on the floor on the phone with our other kids, and the person on the other end goes, Hi, are you looking for a kid?
Wow.
Quote, unquote.
And I'm like, yeah, hold on a second.
It's like, I got to readjust, get in on mode and just talk through.
And the next two or three days later, we were driving up to Cottonwood.
Getting a kid.
And at least starting the relationship.
At that point, they had 20 days before they were going to have a child.
Well, I guess another big question is, are you finding that... I guess we're going to find out the real answer to the nature-nurture thing, because on some level, you're a little neurotic.
You're a little like me, a lot like me, but you seem to manage better.
But it's just going to be interesting to see...
How much of that stuff is learned?
Are you seeing that these kids are acting like you or acting like their mother?
Or do you find that they're like, whose kid are you?
I don't know how you're acting.
Does that make sense?
Yeah, it does make sense.
I don't see a lot of mom or dad.
Not as hope like hell.
Our mom and dad.
Our mom and dad, yeah.
I think that was part of your hope was to just end that.
Cut that nonsense off right in the butt.
I'm hoping that happened, but I don't see that.
Anyway, I think there is a lot.
I see it a lot with Rachel's kids, my stepkids.
They're all our kids.
But you definitely see parent and grandparent stuff.
that you that i don't see as far as your kids and my kids because they're all biological because yeah right because races are all biological that's interesting and good in a way um for me i think it's great i think i think you accomplished i think so i think you were like i'm not gonna let dad's insanity go another generation i i've said it since the day we it's the day we made the decision to adopt
Well, I'm just happy that you're dealing with your shit, and everything's okay with you, and we don't seem to be spiraling into some sort of horrendous situation, which we've both done at different times.
And I think this is the first time that the timing's actually right, where we're both getting our shit together.
I think for a lot of years there, my shit was all fucked up, and then I cleaned up, and then you were all fucked up, but you didn't want to tell me because you were having too good a time.
And I think that somewhere in here you're like, I'm not going to do what he's doing because I don't have the same problems he has.
Yeah, I think it's about, I don't know if you like to hear it, but I think we both live with a little more hope than we used to.
A little more hope?
Yeah.
Well, you've got no choice because you're irritating everybody if you're just miserable all the time.
I think that's it.
Well, I think you're a noble man, and I love you, and I'm proud of you.
Thanks, brother.
I love you, too.
Eddie Pepitone and I are out back of the Clarion Hotel in Phoenix on La Puente Avenue.
Eddie's got me sucking on a cigar.
I haven't smoked one in months, but Jesus, it's good.
Is it?
I haven't had one in months.
It's a victory cigar.
It's the post-show, end-of-the-road-trip cigar.
I feel like a king, a king right now.
I'll tell you, you really took it up a notch that last show.
I did.
I felt good the last show.
I busted your balls at you.
Yeah, you did.
That first show.
You busted my balls.
And I also was a little tired that first show.
I don't know if it was the burrito right before the show or playing baseball with your brother's kids all afternoon.
You sound like excuses and rationalizations.
Are you a professional comedian?
I'm sorry.
Oh, I thought I did a professional job the first show.
I think the second show, I took it up to the level that I'm accustomed to, which I guess the word I'm looking for is amazing.
Right.
I have to agree with you there.
It was very funny.
I laughed both shows.
Right.
Good.
I think all in all, it was an interesting trip.
I don't think the guy that booked the room was as happy as he could have been with the draw, but I'll tell you, all of you WTFers, you what the fuckers out there who came out.
You got some cool stuff tonight.
I got lovely fans.
One guy brought a bag with a bowl of chili in it.
By the way, he was a great guy.
He had long hair, glasses, and he was like, I made you chili, and I made you two cookies.
And the cookies were the size of Frisbees.
One said soul fucker on it, and one said angry fucker on it.
Oh, I didn't know one said soul fucker.
Is that a phrase you've used before?
That's great.
Yeah, and then one of them gave me this very small nerd cock painting.
And then you got a mug, didn't you, or something?
What did you get?
Yeah, Krista brought me a mug and some cherry tomatoes that she grew.
Oh, the cherry tomatoes were good.
Someone brought me a canister of chocolates.
I tell you, we had a very short period of time, and I think we got you out of your element a little bit today.
And you were with children, seven kids.
I was with children.
And Eddie was pitching balls and they were hitting him.
And also the kids came around at first.
It was a little mean-spirited kid making fun of Eddie, the eccentric-looking guy, bald.
They're making fun of my teeth.
By the end, they're begging me, please, Eddie, pitch one more batter.
Eddie, don't go.
And that's how I like it.
I like it when kids, children, are imploring me not to leave their company instead of going, oh, look at his teeth.
Yeah, what happened to the fence?
I took that out early in the trip.
That didn't last to the car ride to the airport.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So I think all in all, we had a successful time.
We should do it again.
I would love to do it again.
I would love to be your opener, you know, and I was heckling you.
And I think that that is a very good thing, me and you have going.
Yeah, I think that's what people are looking for when they hire on an opener.
Is that...
They want a guy to open for them, but also sit very close to the stage.
I even did it from the back in the last night.
That was impressive.
The first two shows on Friday, you sat right up front and heckled.
And very rarely do people stand up and turn to the audience to heckle.
But if you got a good laugh with the first heckle, you stood up and went ahead and followed through, put me in the position to put you in your place.
I think you enjoy that.
I think that's something you grew up with.
Yeah, yes, yes, yes, yes.
So I guess in closing, thank you for joining Eddie and I on our little road trip.
And by all means, go to WTFPod.com and get some...
JustCoffee.coop or send a little money into the cause.
People are actually giving me donations at the shows, which I find a little awkward.
I'll take them, and I appreciate it.
I'm going to split them with my buddy Brendan.
Maybe I'll buy you a soda at the airport.
But I appreciate all the support.
And as I said, if you go to the WTFPod.com now, we've got the new mailing list.
I'm going to send out the weekly thing.
I'm going to send out a picture.
You will have already gotten your picture of Eddie and me in front of the cactus if you're on the mailing list.
And punchwinemagazine.com for all your up-to-date information on the comedy business, which, Eddie, you should probably go with.
It was good working with you.
Good night.