BONUS Unauthorized Episode 123 - The Creation Museum
Music Music
Guest:Hey, Full Marin listeners, it's Brendan.
Guest:And one of the great things about the Full Marin is that we can experiment here.
Guest:And if we get good feedback and you like what we're doing, we'll try to do more of it.
Guest:And the last time we presented you with an unauthorized episode of sorts, the road trip with Eddie Pepitone, we got great feedback.
Guest:We got people saying they would love to hear a lot more like this.
Guest:Now, unfortunately...
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:It's kind of an episode that highlights the roots that Mark and I had doing political talk radio.
Guest:And this kind of stuff was just in our radio DNA.
Guest:Anything about the Christian right and fundamentalism.
Guest:We kind of actually thought of this as like part of a journalistic pursuit of sorts.
Guest:I was listening to this again.
Guest:I was surprised how much...
Guest:We aired in the episode of the actual Creation Museum entertainment or media presentations, whatever was going on there.
Guest:I think, you know, going back in my mind to 2010, I know we just kind of wanted people to hear like, this is what's going on there.
Guest:And yeah.
Guest:there was like the Eddie Pepitone episode stuff we had to remove from the episode shortly after realizing, you know, we shouldn't have third party content, uh, in the final product, but not that much.
Guest:It's not as much as in the road trip episode with Eddie.
Guest:Uh,
Guest:And so what I wanted to do here is something in addition to just presenting the episode itself.
Guest:And I'll explain.
Guest:You'll hear Mark and he does this road trip with Ryan Singer and Jeff Tate, two other comedians he was traveling with at the time.
Guest:Also in the car is Ryan's girlfriend, Megan, who I remember wanted to kind of stay out of it.
Guest:She asked to not be fully identified and she didn't take a microphone, but you will hear her from time to time.
Guest:But that is the reason she was de-emphasized in the episode.
Guest:She didn't fully want to participate.
Guest:But you'll notice something when you listen to this.
Guest:In Mark's intro, it might surprise you how similar this intro is to some of the stuff he would say this very day.
Guest:Why don't you keep an ear out for that?
Guest:It's also a look at the kind of post-economic collapse years here in the U.S.
Guest:after the economy bottomed out in 2018 and during this first term of the Obama administration.
Guest:You know, Mark was experiencing it firsthand as he toured the country and saw the fallout.
Guest:But the main reason I wanted to air this particular episode, because it's a great example of an episode that shapes America.
Guest:a part of Mark's act.
Guest:In this case, a very large part of his act.
Guest:In fact, after the episode itself is over, we will play for you a track off Mark's comedy album called This Has To Be Funny.
Guest:It was recorded at Union Hall in Brooklyn.
Guest:I actually was the editor of that album.
Guest:My only credit as the editor and producer of a comedy album, and it is that one, This Has To Be Funny, on Comedy Central Records.
Guest:And it was recorded the following month in December of 2010, and it came out the following year.
Guest:But you will hear quite an extended bit about the Creation Museum that really took shape on the basis of Mark doing not only the actual trip to the Creation Museum, but the intro that you will hear in this episode.
Guest:So hope you enjoy it.
Guest:And also, I wanted to point something else out.
Guest:If you heard the episode Mark and I did on the full Marin here called The Problematics, and we talked about some episodes in our archives that need a little context in advance, you know that I don't feel like we should edit or censor things we've done in the past just because things have changed in the present.
Guest:And I say that to preface the fact that you'll hear Mark
Guest:Use a word for mentally challenged individuals here that is definitely considered a slur today.
Guest:Mark has in the past addressed why he has stopped saying this word, but that at a time it was definitely part of his repertoire in life and in making jokes.
Guest:He doesn't do that anymore, but I don't think there's any reason to pretend like it didn't happen in the past.
Guest:And so that's just a little bit of a content advisory here, especially because it's a little sensitive to hear something like that and hear it said casually.
Guest:Just know that we're aware we're we're not editing this episode and it's only mentioned once, but it is a slur.
Guest:And I just wanted to acknowledge that.
Guest:Uh, we will also go back into the archives and see if we can find more stuff like this.
Guest:Cause we know that the last one with Eddie was a, was a big hit.
Guest:So hopefully we can dig out some more things that have interest to you.
Guest:And for now, enjoy episode one 23, the creation museum.
Yeah.
Guest:Are we doing this?
Guest:Really?
Guest:Wait for it.
Guest:Are we doing this?
Guest:Wait for it.
Guest:Pow!
Guest:What the fuck?
Guest:And it's also, eh, what the fuck?
Guest:What's wrong with me?
Guest:It's time for WTF.
Guest:What the fuck?
Guest:With Mark Maron.
Marc:Alright, let's do this, what the fuckers.
Marc:How are you?
Marc:What the fuck, buddies?
Marc:What the fuck, nears?
Marc:What the fuck, nicks?
Marc:What the fuck, nots?
Marc:Whatever you want to call yourselves, I am Mark Maron.
Marc:This is WTF.
Marc:Thank you for listening.
Marc:I'm happy to be here.
Marc:It is Monday.
Marc:Tonight I will be at the Crowfoot Ballroom in Pontiac, Michigan.
Marc:Today's show is not about that.
Marc:Today's show is a journey through the Creation Museum in Petersburg, Kentucky, which I will get to in a moment.
Marc:I would like to talk about a couple of things first.
Marc:I just got back from San Francisco.
Marc:We did five shows up at the Punchline, and they were tremendous.
Marc:I want to thank all you what-the-fuckers for coming out.
Marc:It was great meeting you, great giving you stickers.
Marc:Thank you for the gifts.
Marc:I got a nice jar full of cookies from a fellow named Alex.
Marc:I got, um, what else did I get?
Marc:Some guy came up to me, very intense looking dude, shaved head, you know, definitely looked like he could kick my ass.
Marc:He was staring right at me, gave me a bouquet of flowers, said, these are for you.
Marc:I said, thank you.
Marc:He goes, my name's Ryan.
Marc:Maybe you remember me.
Marc:I gave you the hot rod t-shirt last time you were in town.
Marc:You know, these are complicated people and I appreciate that.
Marc:I got some books, some CDs.
Marc:I got just a lot of love, and it's hard for me to handle that.
Marc:But we had great shows, and I really appreciate you coming out.
Marc:They were some of the best shows I've ever had in my life.
Marc:And for the first time in my...
Marc:16 to 17 year long relationship with that club.
Marc:We sold every show out.
Marc:And I have to thank you for that.
Marc:And I really appreciate you coming out.
Marc:Also, this Friday at the UCB Theater in Los Angeles, Live WTF at 8 o'clock p.m.
Marc:This week will be Eddie Pepitone, Jim Earl.
Marc:uh also aaron foley a very funny comedian and john daly who's been on this show in one form or another a very odd but funny man and a surprise guest dr steve who uh between you and i and i know eddie won't listen to this we're going to uh to do an intervention on eddie pepitone uh this friday don't anyone tell him now i got up this morning and had no choice but to get a starbucks coffee and they can go fuck themselves
Marc:I mean, how the fuck do we accept that as coffee?
Marc:Are you fucking kidding me?
Marc:That bitter, burnt bullshit?
Marc:I mean, I've been making my own coffee at home, but this literally ruined my day, and I got the Thanksgiving blend.
Marc:I felt no gratitude.
Marc:I felt, you know, it said nutty, fruity, whatever the fuck.
Marc:It said spicy.
Marc:It was a cup full of shit, just burnt, bitter shit, and every time I drink Starbucks, it's burnt, bitter shit, and I only do it because I have to.
Marc:Why don't we understand that?
Marc:I've never had Starbucks coffee that wasn't burnt, bitter shit.
Marc:So finally I got home and thank God.
Marc:Pow!
Marc:I just shit my pants.
Marc:JustCoffee.coop is the way to go.
Marc:Get that at WTFPod.com or go to JustCoffee.coop.
Marc:Get yourself a bag of the WTF Blend, which is awesome.
Marc:I just made espresso with it.
Marc:So that, out of the way, I want to thank...
Marc:Kind of.
Marc:I don't know if I want to thank one of my listeners named Miles, who apparently lives in the Detroit area, who wrote me a letter about tonight's show in Pontiac, which I will be well on the way towards once you hear this.
Marc:You may even listen to this after the fact.
Marc:But listen to this.
Marc:How am I supposed to respond to this?
Marc:On the last WTF podcast, you read a letter about not being killed in Pontiac on your November 15th performance.
Marc:Here is a headline from the Pontiac newspaper, the Oakland Press.
Marc:City can't afford police department.
Marc:The piece goes on to say, quote, the police department is understaffed and lacking the adequate resources to provide needed police protection to its citizens and businesses of the city of Pontiac.
Marc:Detectives are unable to investigate property crimes because they are consumed with violent crimes, unquote.
Marc:I didn't know there were hotels in Pontiac, just homeless shelters and hooker hovels rented by the hour.
Marc:Now, this guy, Miles, I'm assuming you're a fan.
Marc:This is not helping me.
Marc:I'm not excited about this.
Marc:There's part of me.
Marc:that wants to see Detroit, that wants to see what's happened, that wants to see the repercussions and results of our economic collapse here in this country, but now I'm a little frightened.
Marc:Then the next paragraph, not to worry, I live three miles from your venue and have scouted it.
Marc:When leaving the Crowfoot, do not run left, as all the buildings in that direction all the way to the train tracks have burnt down, fallen down, or have been bulldozed.
Marc:That direction gives a clear shot to your back and no cover to jump behind.
Marc:To the right, there are a few streets of occupied buildings you can sprint around between and through.
Marc:Just keep moving.
Marc:Keep low.
Marc:Do not look anyone in the eye.
Marc:Do not talk to the homeless residents and do not count on any police to happen by.
Marc:When Detroit began crashing down, the rats ran north.
Marc:Pontiac is where they tired out and settled.
Marc:A major resource of income for the city, the Silverdome, home of the hapless Detroit Lions for years, was sold for $500,000 this year and has been abandoned for 10 years.
Marc:The auto industry has shut down at least two factories and laid off all the workers in Pontiac.
Marc:Even the Walmart went belly up in Pontiac.
Marc:Crime and punishment has become the biggest industry in that fair city and as seen from the headlines above, the punishment aspects are not keeping pace.
Marc:Great.
Marc:Can't wait till tonight.
Marc:Hope this isn't my last broadcast.
Marc:On a positive note, last week in Pontiac, the sheriff's department and federal agents rounded up about 30 gang leaders and put them behind bars.
Marc:I hope the bar you're performing in is not one of the bars where the gang leaders are stashed.
Marc:I will be at the show and will try to laugh as my car is stripped of easily removed parts in the parking lot, quote unquote, parking lot across the street.
Marc:Thank you, Miles.
Marc:That was very helpful.
Marc:You know I'm a nervous guy.
Marc:You know I'm prone to panic and dread.
Marc:I'm really looking forward to the show.
Marc:I have a shitload of travel to do.
Marc:Today, as you listen, I'm in transit on a cheap flight that I think takes me through Paris and then on to Detroit, the airport there.
Marc:Now, getting to the task at hand, which is a show we put together around my trip to the Creation Museum with Jeff Tate and Ryan Singer.
Marc:When I went there, when I was in Cincinnati, now, I am not a guy.
Marc:I've lost my ability to get a big kick out of this shit in the sense that I was a guy for many years who literally preached on my morning radio show against the Christo fascist zombie brigade.
Marc:I knew that the Christian right had an agenda.
Marc:And I knew that that agenda, in its very nature, in the way it was put together, was anti-intellectual and on some level a bit fascistic.
Marc:That there was a movement within the Christian right that was really intent on making people stupid and making people ignorant and selling them lies as propaganda to lay a bedrock for a national movement.
Marc:That is not a populist movement.
Marc:It is nothing short than a fascistic movement.
Marc:And I was angry about this day in and day out.
Marc:I'm still angry about it, but I know that this is one of the fights we have to fight in this democracy or whatever is left of this democracy.
Marc:Lines have been drawn and the people will speak.
Marc:And that's the way America works.
Marc:So when I was going to the Creation Museum,
Marc:It was definitely for ironic reasons.
Marc:It was definitely tongue in cheek.
Marc:I didn't have a lot of venom.
Marc:I was completely excited to see what I would experience.
Marc:I find that when I go to the Midwest, and I'm not saying that the Midwest is bad in any way.
Marc:There's a lot of great people.
Marc:I've met a lot of good people in the Midwest, and I love this country.
Marc:In a lot of ways because of the diversity and how interesting it is.
Marc:But I definitely feel different in some areas of this great country of ours.
Marc:And I knew that when we went to the Creation Museum that I would feel different.
Marc:There was nothing I could wear or do to my being that would not make me stand out.
Marc:There was no way we were going to blend in.
Marc:It didn't help.
Marc:That, you know, Ryan has a large beard, and I have my facial hair disposition.
Marc:I also had my headphones on and my recorder, which I was trying to stash.
Marc:And we looked like a fairly ragtag group of...
Marc:condescending hipsters as we entered the place.
Marc:But on the way down, I started thinking about what I was expecting.
Marc:I was completely open-minded about it, and I knew what I was getting into.
Marc:And I also knew that on some level, in order to enjoy it,
Marc:in a way that wasn't completely condescending and ironic in its intent, that I would have to suspend my disbelief a little bit, that I would have to open up my mind a bit and have some empathy, which is no easy thing for me in a lot of ways because I'm a fairly self-centered guy, and look at the people that were visiting this place or who I assumed would be there with some sort of empathy, with some sort of...
Marc:I'm going to go as far to say pity if I could, knowing that what I was about to see were most of the people that were going there were there to reinforce their belief that human beings at one time could pet dinosaurs.
Marc:They needed to close a mega million year gap between the creation as documented by science or the beginning of Earth.
Marc:In a cosmic level, they had to close up that gap that has been thoroughly investigated and also quite eloquently and mathematically speculated by scientists and mathematicians for years and established.
Marc:They had to close this gap of scientific fact and theory with bullshit.
Marc:That would be enough to make slightly ignorant people or people that didn't want to do their homework or just fanatically stupid believing people.
Marc:And that's not all Christians that this was the way it was.
Marc:So this was I knew going in was a shrine, a museum, a spectacle designed to make new people stupid and to reinforce the ignorant and stupid who were visiting it.
Marc:I knew that.
Marc:But on some level, I had to realize, well, these are the flocks.
Marc:These are the flocks of these type of people.
Marc:And flocks is a good word.
Marc:These are the sheep.
Marc:These are the sheeple.
Marc:These are the people that believe.
Marc:These are the people whose fears and existential panics have been exploited and they have been guided through the trough of this bullshit for years by people with more power than them and by people who want to guide them a certain direction.
Marc:Now,
Marc:Ultimately, I don't think it's a great direction.
Marc:Now, I've met a lot of good Christian people, and even these people I believe were good.
Marc:And my fear is not about, you know, one-on-one, and this is a common sort of experience, and I think a common shared belief, that a lot of times these people, one-on-one, you meet them, they're good people, decent people, nice people.
Marc:That's not my concern.
Marc:My concern is when they all come to get me, and I will be in the position to say...
Marc:Let me go.
Marc:Let me fucking go.
Marc:Dude, dude, me.
Marc:It's me from the other day.
Marc:Why are you looking at me like that?
Marc:You know me.
Marc:Let me fucking go.
Marc:And then I'll be taken away.
Marc:That's my concern.
Marc:And maybe it's an extreme concern.
Marc:But I have been put in the position lately.
Marc:to question my own belief.
Marc:Now, I think that belief, that the desire to believe in something bigger than you is almost as genetic as anything else that is genetic.
Marc:I believe that people are born with this compulsion, a mental compulsion to feel part of something larger than themselves, to define or give meaning to their existence.
Marc:What you choose to do with that belief is
Marc:is up to you.
Marc:But I was quite condescending at a different point in my life to Christians in general, to people who believe in God.
Marc:And I'm not even an atheist.
Marc:I just don't feel that I need God.
Marc:I wasn't brought up with it.
Marc:I've believed in random things.
Marc:I've believed in
Marc:A force that I didn't quite understand.
Marc:I wouldn't call it God.
Marc:I believe that I was chosen by some sort of cosmic intelligence that I won't call God to do something.
Marc:But it never really stepped forward and gave me specific instructions.
Marc:So I lost interest.
Marc:And thank God, I think a lot of it had to do with sleeplessness and cocaine psychosis that I came out of that.
Marc:But I can no longer judge believers just for believing because, frankly, I take vitamins.
Marc:And I believe they work.
Marc:And there's no scientific evidence that they work.
Marc:Not only do I believe they work, I believe that if I stop taking them, that something horrible will happen to me.
Marc:So I understand belief.
Marc:This type of belief is no different than the type of belief that people experience with more dangerous things like God.
Marc:And I also, you know, I know, I'm pretty sure I've done a little research.
Marc:No one has ever been killed in the name of vitamins.
Marc:I don't.
Marc:And also, I do not find myself proselytizing.
Marc:Occasionally, I'll hear myself say, you know, something like, you know, really no fish oil at your age?
Marc:Really?
Marc:But that's that's that is annoying as I get.
Marc:That is as annoying as I get.
Marc:And quite honestly, it's dogma that's dangerous.
Marc:And really, the Creation Museum, as I understood it before we went there, was a just a celebration of of a type of dogma that that is completely based in ignorance and anti intellectualism and is is thoroughly propaganda.
Marc:But I'll be honest with you.
Marc:I've met a lot of Christians that are good people, that are not driven by dogma, that have a strong faith and believe in Christian principles.
Marc:Not in this particular form of bullshit.
Marc:Not necessarily that they would share it.
Marc:And I don't find them irritating.
Marc:All I'm saying is that any dogma can be irritating.
Marc:Honestly...
Marc:There are more irritating people than Christians.
Marc:Atheists can be much more irritating than Christians.
Marc:You know who's more irritating than atheists?
Marc:Radical vegans.
Marc:Just really irritating.
Marc:I would rather talk to a Christian, a born-again Christian, for an hour than sit for 10 minutes with an angry atheist or an angry vegan.
Marc:And I have nothing against them.
Marc:I think that whatever you have to do, and there's points in all these areas that are well taken,
Marc:and important for a good quality of life and a rational mind, but fanatical dogma of any kind is irritating.
Marc:Okay?
Marc:And I tell you, the one difference between a Christian, an atheist, and a vegan, if the Christian is a real Christian, is at least the Christian knows he is flawed and imperfect.
Marc:Okay?
Marc:Not always true with vegans and atheists.
Marc:Just my experience.
Marc:And it is that flaw, that idea of sin, that idea of human weakness and moral predicament that makes Christianity interesting.
Marc:And how anyone deals with moral predicament on a personal level, on a broader level, and the realization that human beings will never really transcend personal moral predicament is what makes that interesting.
Marc:You know, you don't need religion to deal with that.
Marc:It is completely possible to have faith without God.
Marc:So as we head down to the Creation Museum, these are the thoughts that are going through my mind, but most of it was really I want to maintain an open mind.
Marc:I want to try to suspend my disbelief in order to take this in without being condescending.
Marc:So let's go now to the car with myself, Jeff Tate, and Ryan Singer as we head down to and into the Creation Museum.
Marc:So, okay, so now the deal is we're going to the Creation Museum
Marc:I'm with Ryan Singer, who comes from this state, Ohio.
Marc:I'm not saying it's a bad state.
Marc:I'm saying it has problems.
Marc:Jeff Tate, also in the car.
Marc:Megan, off mic.
Marc:Not because I'm sexist.
Marc:It's just she didn't seem to want a mic.
Marc:I don't know where that would lead us.
Marc:Am I right, Megan?
Guest:Yes.
Marc:So now I don't really know anything about this.
Marc:And Jeff, you guys both grew up here.
Marc:So I guess what I need to ask you is why the fuck does this thing even exist in this state?
Guest:They needed something to combat the progressiveness that was moving in, I think.
Guest:I don't know.
Guest:Jeff is the expert, I think, because he was really raised on this kind of stuff.
Guest:What do you mean raised on it?
Guest:Like hardcore.
Guest:My father is a minister, a Pentecostal minister.
Guest:No way.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Snakes?
Guest:Not snakes.
Guest:Not snakes.
Guest:Speaking in tongues?
Guest:Speaking in tongues, yeah.
Guest:Can you do a little?
Guest:No, no, no.
Guest:Come on.
Marc:I never do that.
Marc:I just felt better.
Marc:You sure that's not Tourette's syndrome?
Marc:What's the difference?
Marc:Speaking in tongues is intentional Tourette's syndrome.
Marc:It's provoked Tourette's in the guise of religious catharsis.
Marc:The Holy Spirit.
Guest:It's just the Holy Spirit.
Guest:I was told once that if it wasn't taking effect, to just fake it until it became real.
Guest:What, speaking in tongues?
Guest:Yeah, yeah, they told me that.
Marc:Of course.
Marc:Okay, so your dad's a Pentecostal minister, so you're fucked up, right?
Marc:A little bit.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:How did you break away from that?
Marc:Drugs, mostly.
Marc:Oh, really?
Marc:Did your dad ever catch you with drugs?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:How'd that go?
Guest:He's sort of a... It's like a passive-aggressive... Not passive-aggressive.
Guest:There's a lot of confrontation in our household for being non-confrontational about the big things.
Guest:So they find drugs, they say, hey, cut it out, and then it's never mentioned again.
Marc:And that's it?
Marc:Just a lot of guilty stares at the dinner table?
Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest:Until you realize that they're... At some point, I realized they were never going to mention it again.
Guest:So I just immediately... They would say, cut it out or whatever, and then...
Marc:So when you were a kid, so that means you spent a lot of time hanging out at dad's office, going over to the church.
Marc:Did he have a flock and whatnot in his own building and shit?
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:So you grew up in a church?
Marc:Yes, I did.
Marc:So you used to take your friends into the back and go, check this out.
Marc:This is my dad's thing.
Guest:Kind of.
Guest:It wasn't that.
Guest:It was just an office.
Guest:There wasn't anything cool back there.
Guest:Oh, there's no sanctuary?
Guest:There was just a small black box church, maybe seated 100, 150?
Guest:Oh, no.
Guest:One of them was big.
Guest:We were at a lot of different churches.
Guest:Oh, really?
Guest:He got run out of town a couple places?
Guest:Yeah, it sort of felt like it.
Guest:Did he really?
Guest:Well, the crazy thing is if you met his dad now, you'd be like, there's no way this guy used to be a maniac or is a maniac.
Guest:He seems like a really awesome guy, but...
Marc:I can't imagine growing up with that much religion.
Marc:Did you fear God?
Guest:Yeah, yeah, terrified.
Guest:How about now?
Guest:Still, right?
Guest:No, no, no.
Guest:It doesn't linger?
Guest:I want to believe in God so badly because I want him.
Guest:I have some questions and I want answers.
Guest:Like what?
Guest:what the hell that's what i want like what the fuck is all of this about i that's exactly the theme of my life you ever you ever get that idea where like when i die i want to like i'm hoping he's wearing a jacket so i can grab the lapels and go what the fuck was that all about shake and the sad thing is after you do that and you let him go he looks at you confused and shrugs i don't know sorry about your car yeah
Marc:And he just says, come on in, there's some seats over there.
Marc:And everyone just sits up there for eternity waiting for a show that never happens.
Guest:It's like he just promised guns and roses.
Guest:And just wait and start chanting.
Marc:That's right, and of course Axel's pissed off and they can't get along, so it's just an eternal wait.
Marc:And then ultimately you're disappointing because he releases a record on his own with some other guys.
Marc:not quite what you expected though you wanted to like it so all right so you grew up with this creationist uh stuff yeah i think what what megan said was interesting is that we're going to learn the truth about what these people who are very anti-truth are uh putting out in the world i think that's a good way to approach this fellas we're going to learn the truth about their fucking ridiculousness yeah now what can we expect jeff
Guest:I honestly don't know about this because this seems new.
Guest:When I was in the church, it's been about 14 years since my 18th birthday, essentially.
Guest:Did you have a leaving the church ceremony with your friends?
Guest:Oh, no, no, no.
Guest:We had plenty of them.
Guest:There was more one-on-one.
Guest:It was whoever wasn't afraid of the acid that night.
Guest:And I did it for the last four years of the 90s.
Guest:That's how you break away.
Guest:A lot of acid.
Guest:A lot of acid.
Marc:A lot of self-administered mental deprogramming.
Marc:That's exactly right.
Marc:Was there any specific event on the acid that made you realize that you were doing the right thing?
Guest:I saw Jesus and Santa Claus in my rearview mirror.
Guest:No.
Guest:Were they in a car or just running?
Guest:No, they were in my back seat.
Guest:I was driving.
Guest:I mean, I guess don't do that.
Guest:But I was driving, and then they were back there chatting.
Guest:And that really breaks you down because one of them cancels out the other.
Guest:Like, they can't both be real.
Guest:And if they're both real, then nothing is...
Marc:so that was it that was like your yin yang zen moment where everything got cancelled out and the universe is just what it is there was no right and wrong just light and dark and you were okay yeah yeah except for that last part except for the being okay part yeah I was gonna say okay is a strong word all that other stuff was true
Marc:Now, I'm a guy who was brought up with no God of any kind.
Marc:You know, it was just a vague.
Marc:It was just suggested, not very heartily.
Marc:My parents didn't believe really or they didn't seem to need it.
Marc:And I don't feel like I really need it.
Marc:But clearly, we're going someplace where where people not only need it, but they've committed to this.
Marc:Now, when you were growing up, you were taught this stuff.
Guest:Not this stuff.
Guest:When I was growing up, I was taught that dinosaur bones were put in the earth as a test of faith.
Guest:That's what they said then.
Guest:And then apparently that became too ridiculous.
Guest:So they stepped it up.
Guest:Kind of like how some accept intelligent design now.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Because there are evolutionary things happening that can be proven from 50 years ago even.
Guest:Uh-huh.
Guest:So...
Guest:They're like, well, okay, so evolution is, but it's not really evolution, it's this intelligent design.
Guest:They had their thing that they stuck to forever.
Marc:Which was dinosaur bones were put in the ground to test our faith.
Marc:Did they ever say who might have been running around putting all those bones in the ground, or was it a bunch of pre-Christian elves?
Guest:It was upon creation when God created the earth.
Guest:Oh, so God was fucking with us.
Marc:He was like, okay, this is a little trick.
Marc:I'm going to step up the whole Job idea and really fuck with their heads.
Marc:I'm not going to cause suffering that is unexplainable.
Marc:I'm going to spend a little time and create a little scavenger hunt that will baffle them.
Marc:Sorry about your car.
Marc:All right, so you were introduced to the idea with the scavenger hunt dinosaur bone faith-testing device of God, and later that bullshit didn't stick.
Marc:So how did they readdress that?
Marc:I always wondered that, like, even with my Christian cult leaders, when they forecast a day the Earth is going to end a dozen, I'd like to be there the day after a dozen when they address the assembly and say, all right, well, you know, who's to say these calendars are right?
Guest:Well, I can tell you what happens there because my grandma used to do that all the time and tell me all that stuff that would happen and it never would happen.
Guest:And I'd say, what happened?
Guest:You made me look like an idiot at school.
Guest:I told everybody that the gates of hell were going to open up wide last Wednesday.
Guest:And now everybody thinks I'm a maniac.
Guest:And she'd be like, well, enough people.
Guest:See, I was raised Catholic, so it's a whole different ballgame.
Guest:But it was...
Guest:Enough people asked for forgiveness and prayed to Mary and Jesus to where God didn't have to punish because enough people heeded the warning.
Guest:So it was like we were effective in telling people that this is going to happen, change your ways, so therefore we succeeded in making it not happen.
Guest:And thank God.
Guest:And thank God.
Marc:So she had it all worked out.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:So she took something that was completely ridiculous and posited it as a truth that we were all going to die and then took something even more spectacularly ridiculous as an explanation why it didn't happen.
Marc:And she felt satisfied in her faith.
Guest:Exactly, and that's how conspiracy theories were born.
Guest:Faith is the operative word.
Guest:Faith is the release valve on everything that's said.
Guest:That's your free bullshit card?
Guest:Yeah, you either didn't have enough, and so that's why the bad things kept happening, or it was God's will.
Guest:It's a thing that keeps people from being accountable for their own selves.
Marc:That's interesting because that equation means that there's no truth necessary ever.
Marc:That like, you know, if something bad happens, it's because you didn't have enough faith.
Marc:And if it's really bad and you do have faith, well, it's God's will.
Marc:We can't explain it.
Marc:Right, right, right.
Guest:So that's what they tell you when something bad happens to someone you thought was better than you.
Marc:How did your family or your upbringing approach the whole science idea?
Guest:I think we were against it.
Guest:They're just witches.
Guest:For science experiments, you'd make one of those volcanoes and be like, okay, now just sit here and pray and ask God to make it boil.
Guest:You don't add the sodium chloride.
Guest:And then when the judges would walk around and it wouldn't boil, I'd go, I guess you didn't want it enough.
Guest:Yeah, you didn't have faith.
Guest:It's God's will.
Guest:It totally did it yesterday when it was just me.
Marc:So what's the plan here?
Marc:We're going to go and act like people?
Marc:You think you're going to let us do this in there?
Marc:recording shit that's i don't know oh that's this is technology well you know i was thinking i could do as a bigger prank as i'm willing to do what's that this is technology i don't know if they're afraid of it you're gonna come out of switches holding crosses and snakes yeah chases out i'm sorry that you didn't get grow up with the snakes have you ever seen any of that did your dad have have buddies that that did the snake thing
Guest:No, no, no.
Guest:The snake.
Guest:What's funny is in the hierarchy of the various offshoots of Christianity, the snakes ones are the ones that are looked down on.
Guest:Oh, they're the ones that are crazy.
Guest:They're the hill people.
Guest:Yeah, yeah.
Guest:And that comes from one thing.
Guest:There's always one thing that people latch on to.
Guest:There was something where there was a guy walking and a snake jumped out and he was like, oh, a snake.
Guest:And then the snake didn't do anything.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And so now people are like, that's how you know if you have faith is whether or not that snake bites you.
Guest:They just hang out with snakes.
Marc:But aren't there guys that handle snakes?
Marc:Isn't it a form of Pentecostalism?
Guest:No, I think it's some sort of church of God.
Guest:I know where one is.
Marc:Really?
Marc:Maybe we should go there tomorrow, Sunday.
Marc:Really?
Marc:Maybe we should go to Sunday service.
Marc:I always wonder how open they are to strangers coming in to maybe take in a little Jesus and a snake show.
Guest:Well, you think they'd have to be a little bit anyway, right?
Guest:No, you'd be surprised.
Guest:To continue the business model?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:To bring new people in?
Marc:But they're horrendously afraid of outsiders, and I think usually that some of these people, unless they know that people are like-minded, are just willing to stick and fleece their flock.
Guest:You think they'll be able to smell the rationale on you when you walk in?
Guest:The patchouli?
Guest:I'm sure they'll be able to smell the patchouli.
Yeah.
Guest:It's almost like a drug dealer.
Guest:Like, he needs clients, but if you've never met him, it's a little standoffish.
Marc:Yeah, it's like, all right, before I do the service, just say you're not a cop because...
Guest:You throw a bucket of water on you to make sure these mics don't work.
Marc:I always love that.
Marc:It's like, all right, dude, to prove you're not a cop, do a bong hit.
Guest:Yeah, that'll do it.
Marc:You've got it all figured out, the whole legal system undercover.
Marc:All right, so in your childhood, just so we can prepare for this, is anything you think you're going to be triggered in any way, Jeff, to maybe drop to your knees and sob?
Marc:Like there's going to have some sort of flashback.
Guest:Yeah, but it's not going to be religion-based.
Guest:There's always triggers that make me drop to my knees and weep.
Guest:It doesn't have to have anything to do with God.
Guest:Just a nice, happy couple.
Guest:Uh-huh.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:How dare you?
Yeah.
Marc:Um, so is there any memories from your childhood that really stand out as like the, you know, real mind blowing religious moments where either you're like, this is bullshit or like, I'm fucking terrified.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:There was, uh, one time where I believe I have no, I don't know.
Guest:It's, it's been so long, but it feels there was a guy that was a demon possessed.
Um,
Guest:Oh, sure.
Guest:He was demon possessed.
Guest:I've been that guy.
Guest:But he was all growly, and they were holding him down, and he couldn't talk.
Guest:And they kept saying, tell us your name, tell us your name.
Guest:And then there was a whole bunch of people.
Guest:You were there?
Guest:I was there, yeah, yeah.
Guest:How old were you?
Guest:12, maybe 13.
Guest:Holy shit, that's awesome.
Guest:And then one of the guys goes, if anybody here is afraid of this guy, you should leave because he's feeding off your fear.
Guest:And that was when I left.
Guest:oh my god i was just waiting for an out did you ever think you were going to be a minister was that yeah yeah i was so yeah that was were you being groomed yeah no being groomed for yeah did you do some gigs i did one once actually yeah i did is how much did you get in the basket when they pass it around was it nothing it was at a nursing home
Marc:Oh, that's rough.
Marc:So your dad was playing the sympathy card.
Marc:They're like the old folks who like kids.
Marc:Get up there.
Marc:Do the Jesus shtick.
Guest:And they're not enough to kill your career either because they're going to be dead soon.
Guest:He wanted to have the widest age range between guy preaching and people listening.
Guest:So they set the bar at 75 years between us.
Guest:How'd it go?
Guest:You remember?
Guest:I think it went okay.
Guest:How old were you?
Guest:12, maybe 11.
Marc:12, that was a big year for you.
Marc:Yeah, yeah.
Marc:A lot of things happened.
Marc:You erected a working boundary between you, your fear, and demons eating it, and you preached to the elderly.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:So the moment you realized that this was bullshit, what brought that on?
Guest:I don't really know what the moment was.
Guest:It was a collection of things.
Guest:I think that all these people are bullshit.
Guest:I don't know that the idea itself is wrong.
Guest:Which idea?
Guest:The idea of God or of that.
Guest:I don't have...
Guest:It's more of a thing that I feel like other people should deal with.
Guest:Right.
Marc:You mean God is something that needs to be taken care of outside of you?
Marc:Right, right.
Marc:It's not your responsibility.
Marc:Right.
Marc:Do you think there's some good things, though?
Marc:I mean, there are obviously, you know, some people draw this line between, like, well, you know, if you're really Christian, there's a lot of good things about it.
Marc:That, you know, you don't have to go out proselytizing or moralizing or saying people are wrong or evil.
Marc:Right.
Marc:You're charitable.
Marc:You think of other people first.
Guest:I think it's good if people can find some kind of peace in their daily life.
Guest:I don't know if that's the way they do it.
Guest:That's fine.
Marc:Yeah, I tend to believe that.
Marc:Whatever you've got to do to act like a fucking person and treat yourself kindly and others kindly, that's not so bad.
Marc:I'm just really looking forward to... I hear there's some spectacular displays with dinosaurs and Adam and Eve to prove that they coexisted.
Marc:And nothing can prove that more than a display.
Guest:Yeah, a visual display?
Marc:Yeah, that always works.
Marc:The fact that that may work to some visitors to this museum, that there are people going, see, is just spectacular to me.
Marc:What did I tell you?
Guest:I'm excited about it because this is the third explanation I'll be given about dinosaurs.
Marc:The first was the burying of the bones.
Guest:The first one was burying.
Marc:Second, intelligent design.
Guest:No, not intelligent design.
Guest:The pre-Adamic Earth theory.
Guest:What is that?
Guest:That was a theory that the Jimmy Swagger people came up with, where the Bible doesn't cover everything that happened.
Guest:There was a lot of time between the first and second verse of the Bible.
Guest:God created the Earth.
Guest:Took a long nap.
Guest:Yeah, took off.
Marc:After he hid the bones.
Guest:put no but dinosaurs were here then like that's why they say they say dinosaurs were alive walking around and then they all died and then that was and then god went with people and that's where the book picks back up all right so that was that was the sec that was before the coexisting theory right right now there's the coexisting theory because they want to stay to the text right but so let's pick this up when we we near the location
Marc:Look at the gates.
Marc:There's dinosaurs on the gates.
Marc:Look at this dude.
Marc:Oh my god, it's so much bigger than I thought.
Marc:Look at that big dinosaur.
Marc:That's still pretty small by dinosaurs' standards.
Marc:Is that an actual size?
Marc:Oh my god, people are bringing their families.
Marc:They're like, come on kids, let's go get retarded.
Marc:Oh man, they're gonna be on to us so quick.
Marc:They should want us to be here because we don't believe.
Marc:These people already believe all this.
Marc:Right.
Marc:We should walk in with the attitude of like, all right, change our minds.
Guest:And that's how I will talk to them.
Guest:That's what I will say.
Guest:Nobody's gonna say anything.
Marc:Yeah, that's if we're even... They're just gonna judge us.
Marc:They're just gonna judge us.
Guest:Fuck it, we're doing it already.
Guest:They just didn't put a face to it yet.
Guest:Is this coming in first time, sir?
Guest:Yes, sir.
Guest:All right.
Guest:How much is it?
Guest:I'll get you a schedule, and on the back here is the admission information right there.
Guest:I don't think I need an annual pass.
Guest:Just for today?
Guest:Well, this is the general admissions right here.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:Take credit cards?
Guest:Yeah, they take credit cards everywhere in here, and there is an ATM right there if you need it.
Guest:Where do you pay to get in?
Guest:Up here is a general admission right to the left.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:It's your schedule.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:The only one of the five theaters in there that costs extra is the planetarium.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:It's $8 a seat should you want to do it.
Guest:Unless you remember or have it passed, then it's free.
Guest:It's a 23-minute travel.
Guest:It's like you're on a comet, taking you out through the universe of planets and all that.
Guest:Really?
Guest:Actually, you're in a big recliner.
Guest:It's projected on a 40-foot dome, and it's all done in high depth.
Guest:What happens at the end?
Guest:It's all from a biblical perspective.
Guest:They even talk about the Hale-Bopp Comet.
Guest:Oh, really?
Guest:Okay, thanks a lot.
Guest:I was just hoping you'd tell me what the end is and I wouldn't have to go in.
Guest:But maybe I'll go.
Guest:It's pretty neat, Andy.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:Oh, see?
Guest:There you go.
Guest:You're selling it.
Guest:I'm finding it all very comforting so far.
Guest:I love these penny machines.
Guest:You can put a penny in and turn it into something else for a dollar.
Guest:Oh, there's nothing like commerce to make things feel normal.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Hi, how are you?
Guest:Good, how are you?
Guest:I'm good.
Guest:Can I get one, please?
Guest:You can get one, with or without Planetarium.
Marc:What happens at the end of the movie in the Planetarium?
Guest:We force you to leave.
Marc:Oh, I was just hoping you'd tell me the ending so I don't have to go.
Guest:Oh, it's a newer show.
Marc:Oh, you haven't seen it?
Guest:I did.
Guest:I saw it a couple of times.
Guest:Nothing much.
Guest:Okay, then I think I'll just go to the museum.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:What's your zip code?
Marc:90042.
Marc:I hope that doesn't send up any red flags.
Marc:It's California.
Guest:Yes.
Guest:Oh, look a mammoth.
Guest:Oh, you guys just coming in?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Okay, do you have a planetarium in this general?
Guest:No, we're not doing the planetarium.
Guest:Okay, that's fine.
Guest:Main walk is straight.
Guest:We keep that all day.
Guest:The Men in White show is starting in three minutes.
Guest:We're supposed to see the Men in White show.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:Let's go.
Guest:Let's hit it.
Guest:That blue hallway right there.
Guest:The men in...
Guest:Please make your way to the special effects theater this time.
Guest:Yeah, is this the Men in White show here?
Guest:Okay.
Guest:Someone told me we have to see the Men in White show.
Guest:I don't know.
Guest:I don't know.
Guest:What's a funny idea?
Guest:What?
Guest:What's a funny idea?
Guest:Ben Stiller and Night of the Creation Museum.
Guest:Yeah, it seems like the possibilities would be great.
Guest:Here we go.
Guest:Four together?
Guest:I hope so.
Guest:I hope so.
Guest:It looks like we might be able to over there.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Man, I don't know what to expect.
Guest:This is going to be good.
Guest:I hope it's as good as that Facebook movie.
Guest:Oh, the social network.
Guest:Well, hey, y'all.
Guest:My name is Emily, and welcome to our special effects theater.
Guest:Some very special guests will be arriving in just a few moments, so let's go ahead and make sure we're ready for them by silencing all cell phones.
Guest:Now this program is a little bit different than the rest of the museum.
Guest:It is a satire, a sort of comedy, meant to lighten up the mood a little bit, but still teaches some very important facts.
Guest:You may even recognize some of the stereotypes from your school days.
Guest:So relax and enjoy this unique experience.
Guest:Prepare for some fun and some surprises.
Guest:Prepare for some solid answers.
Guest:Prepare to believe.
Guest:This is great.
Guest:I had no idea it was going to be this good.
Guest:Is there any meaning?
Guest:Did God create all this?
Guest:Or did we just invent God?
Guest:See, she thinks that believing in God and creation means that you have to reject science.
Guest:Randy, God loves science.
Guest:He tells people in his where to study creation.
Guest:I'm not sure she likes science, Maya.
Guest:I'm not sure she's listening, Gabe.
Guest:Life is probably just a big accident.
Guest:A predictable result of an infinite number of matter-antimatter asymmetric collisions.
Guest:No, she's listening, Mike.
Guest:Just not to you.
Guest:Problem is, she can't stop listening to the voices of her culture.
Guest:Pay attention, Wendy.
Guest:This is the most important concept in modern biology.
Guest:It's called evolution.
Guest:This is the most important concept in modern biology.
It's called evolution.
Guest:There's all things you wish for taking.
Evolution.
Guest:What if I don't believe your idea?
Guest:Well, then you're in violation of the Constitution of the United States and the separation of church and state!
Guest:This, folks, is one of the great tragedies of your time.
Guest:You folks are living in an age when God's word is being ignored, and fallible ideas are being held up as the unquestioned truth, a truth that leads to despair.
Guest:People like Wendy are being taught that life is just an accident.
Guest:The result of billions of years of chemical collisions.
Guest:Just think how it could change her life if Wendy found out that there really is purpose and meaning to her existence.
Guest:It's in the Bible.
Guest:It's all in the Bible.
Guest:When you start to look at the world's perspectives the Bible gives, then all kinds of things start to make sense.
Guest:Like marine fossils found atop mountain ranges.
Guest:Those mountains were once covered in water.
Guest:Yes, or volcanic dust found in the ice cores.
Guest:Just think of all that volcanic ash in the atmosphere after the flood.
Guest:Or how about the similarities of DNA found in the cells of every living thing?
Guest:Since God created DNA, he made it so that all different things can live and eat in the same world.
Guest:If you use the Bible as your starting point, Wendy, then everything makes sense.
Guest:But if you buy into this molecules to man evolution, goo to you, we like to say.
Guest:It's a goo-to-you idea of evolution that no matter what you see in the real world, you have to interpret the data through one basic foundational lens.
Guest:Billions of years.
Guest:That's right.
Guest:Your faith is in billions of years.
Guest:Whether it makes any sense or not.
Guest:Because evolution makes absolutely no sense without billions of years.
Guest:You see, Wendy, atheistic evolutionists can't see the hand of God because they already believe there is no God.
Guest:That's a huge act of faith in the empire.
Guest:But look for yourself.
Guest:Look careful.
Guest:God is clearly evident.
Guest:Just as clearly as you can assume that there's a designer for that chair you sit there.
Guest:Right.
Guest:Now, obviously, your chair isn't just random pieces of wood that accidentally fell into place and glued themselves together.
Guest:Life, even in its simplest form, is way more complex than that.
Guest:Doesn't it make sense that there should be a designer for life?
Guest:A designer who is obviously very intelligent.
Guest:Evolution or creation, I don't know.
Guest:I guess there could be a God.
Guest:But I don't want people to think I'm stupid.
Guest:It's up to you to study God's word.
Guest:Learn as much as you can.
Guest:Some of you should be teaching this truth.
Guest:Some of you should start listening.
Guest:The answers are available if you really want them.
Guest:Ready?
Guest:Yep.
Guest:We're out of here.
See ya.
Guest:Thanks, everyone.
Guest:Please enjoy your day today.
Guest:Make sure you gather up all your things and you may exit at your right, please.
Guest:Exit at your right.
Guest:Have a good day.
Guest:I don't know what's worse, if they think all of that is true or if they think any of it is funny.
Guest:Now we're going into the museum itself.
Guest:You ready, fellas?
Marc:I think we're in.
Guest:Dinosaur eggs.
Marc:Dinosaur eggs.
Marc:Those look fresh.
Guest:Yeah, how about that Tyrannosaurus Rex bone that they showed us?
Guest:With the blood in it?
Guest:With the blood and the fresh meat in it.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:I mean, those look like you could have got them at the store last week, those dinosaur eggs.
Marc:Those are probably only a couple weeks old.
Marc:They're probably still good to eat.
Guest:Look at these mannequins.
Guest:Look, the Old Testament.
Guest:You've got a guy with the Torah.
Guest:You've got Moses with the Ten Commandments.
Guest:That's Isaiah with the Torah.
Guest:King David with a musical instrument.
Guest:But notice here.
Guest:Look.
Guest:Look at the noses.
Guest:Look at the characterization.
Guest:Let's look at you.
Guest:And look at me.
Guest:Exactly.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Right?
Guest:Very Jew-y.
Guest:It's like they molded you.
Guest:Right.
Guest:This guy, yeah.
Guest:He looks just like me from when I was earlier in my comedy career.
Guest:But look at the guy here under the New Testament.
Marc:The guy writing there.
Marc:Look at the nose.
Marc:It's different.
Marc:It's more Greek.
Guest:The Moses one is unforgivable.
Guest:The Moses one is unforgivable.
Guest:It's clearly like you should be eating a bagel or something like that.
Guest:Holding the tablets with one hand and a bagel and the other.
Guest:You guys, let's go in the time tunnel.
Guest:Time tunnel.
Guest:This is the beginning of the world 6,000 years ago.
Marc:It's a time tunnel.
Marc:oh stars it's much brighter in here see we came out of the time tunnel and the creation into the light the power in the godhead clearly seen without excuse now it's taking on chemistry and waterfalls and and the sun it's all explained
Guest:I'm going to go a step further.
Marc:I think all this shit started yesterday.
Marc:And everything before that was just a dream some other guy was having with us in it.
Marc:I had that once in a closet.
Guest:What if our memories are just implanted?
Guest:You can't end up that road, Mark.
Guest:There's no coming back from that road.
Guest:There's a living dinosaur right here, you guys.
Guest:It doesn't feel like I couldn't live in a world with that.
Guest:Oh, now.
Guest:Did you hear that?
Guest:No, but I could hang out.
Guest:Like, if that was outside, I'd say, let's go inside for a while until it goes away.
Guest:No?
Guest:Well, yeah.
Guest:Have you seen an Irish wolfhound?
Guest:Yeah, much like this.
Guest:What is that thing that he's eating?
Guest:Oh, it's a little thing.
Guest:Looks like his own kid.
Guest:All right, I get it.
Marc:Yeah, I couldn't live with these things.
Marc:I gotta tell you, you know, this is a pretty good museum.
Guest:Conflict.
Guest:Before Adamson, no conflict.
Guest:After Adamson, animals against animals, animals against humans, humans against humans.
Guest:Poison.
Guest:Poison.
Guest:Before Adamson, no poisons.
Guest:After Adamson...
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:You guys, look at this.
Marc:This is so funny because it really speaks to where we are in America.
Marc:Weeds.
Marc:Before Adam Sand.
Marc:There were no weeds.
Marc:We didn't have to go out and pull weeds or nothing.
Marc:After Adam Sand.
Guest:Before Adam Sand.
Guest:There was no traffic.
Guest:No, no traffic.
Guest:Just open.
Marc:Yeah, you could drive anywhere you wanted.
Guest:Wherever you wanted.
Guest:Everything was good.
Guest:After Adam's sins, plants struggle against other plants for survival.
Marc:Plants grow where they're not wanted.
Marc:Weeds.
Guest:Showtime network was formed.
Guest:If this is the fucking deal sealer for you, it's like, there, that, yep, weeds.
Guest:I was kind of, have you seen it, Daniel?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:It's devil.
Guest:Burdensome work.
Guest:No burdensome work before Adam's sin.
Guest:After Adam's sin, people started hating their jobs.
Guest:Oh, it's all explained.
Guest:My mind is being significantly fucked here.
Guest:Let's just get to the Ark.
Guest:Look at more Jews.
Guest:These guys are complaining.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:They don't want to build this thing.
Guest:This Noah guy's fucking nuts.
Guest:Well, they know they don't have a ticket.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:We're not going to be on board.
Guest:You need to have a look at a new shipment of planks.
Guest:And make sure the treatment was done as we... How come Noah speaks in a Russian accent?
By the way, my friend...
Guest:Were those pigs checked by Shem before you sold them off?
Marc:Shem?
Marc:Shem his son.
Marc:The judgment is coming, my friend.
Marc:What if you come along?
Marc:What kind of accent is that, dude?
Marc:Just European?
Guest:You guys, we can go in the Ark, I think.
Guest:Can we?
Guest:No?
Guest:No, maybe not.
Guest:I'd go somewhere.
Guest:No, you can.
Guest:Am I going the wrong way?
Guest:No, there's more to see up there, yeah?
Guest:Oh, there is?
Guest:Okay, good, good, good.
Guest:Oh, here we are.
Guest:Noah's Ark.
Guest:God said to measure the Ark in cubits.
Guest:The cubit is the length of a man's elbow to his finger.
Guest:Not a Rubik's Cube?
Guest:No.
Guest:They didn't have any other way to measure it.
Guest:Right.
Guest:They didn't have feet or meat.
Guest:I get it.
Guest:The Ark was about the length of...
Guest:A football field.
Guest:A football field?
Guest:No.
Guest:A canoe?
Guest:You think a football field?
Guest:Yeah, a football field.
Guest:I think it's 12 school buses.
Guest:Thanks.
Guest:Idiots.
Guest:So dumb.
Guest:12 school buses.
Guest:And 4 school buses wide.
Guest:Yark was about 12 buses long, 10 buses wide, and 4 buses high.
Guest:A football field.
Guest:You guys don't know your scripture.
Guest:It said school buses.
Marc:This is more ARC study.
Marc:God, they put a lot of time into the ARC.
Marc:These are great dioramas.
Marc:That's spectacular.
Marc:That's like a mini diagram of the whole boat with the animals going up.
Marc:I don't see any school buses.
Guest:Dinosaurs.
Guest:Dinosaurs.
Marc:Oh, there are dinosaurs on the ramp.
Guest:Dinosaurs.
Guest:What are they?
Guest:It's a brontosaurus, it looks like.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:There are brontosaurus and giraffes and elephants on the ramp.
Guest:Oh, that is fucking great.
Guest:Brontosaurus is heading into the ark.
Guest:Look at the little, you guys.
Guest:Little people abandoned on the rock in the flood with tigers.
Guest:That's fucking awesome.
Guest:How did I fit the dinosaurs?
Guest:This is Noah.
Guest:This ark is huge.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And since these creatures you call dinosaurs are land animals, then of course they came onto the ark.
Guest:Oh, reminds me.
Guest:Japheth!
Guest:Yes, father.
Guest:It's time to open grain store number 17 for the dragons.
Guest:I'm sure they're getting hungry.
Guest:Sounds like I'm getting a bit hungry myself.
Guest:Any other questions?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Are you fucking out of your mind?
Guest:Have we had enough already?
Guest:I don't know.
Guest:It's almost 3 o'clock.
Guest:I could eat.
Guest:I had enough 14 years ago.
Guest:I got a...
Guest:It's a globe.
Guest:It's a shake globe.
Guest:Oh, like the snow?
Guest:It's got a dinosaur in it.
Guest:It's not snow, it's glitter.
Guest:And it says a creation museum.
Guest:So you can grab it with God's wrath to fall down on everyone?
Guest:Well, she just said that if you break it, it's your fault.
Guest:And I think it would have been God's will.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Right?
Guest:Makes sense.
Guest:Why didn't you guys fuck in there if you wanted to?
Guest:There wasn't really a spot.
Guest:Huh?
Guest:There wasn't really a spot?
Guest:He wasn't committed.
Guest:It's okay.
Guest:It's okay.
Guest:She's acting like she would have really went through with it, too.
Guest:That's the best part about it.
Guest:There was no space.
Guest:It was too narrow.
Guest:Why do you think... Now, did you want to fuck like when you saw the snake or all the way through or...
Guest:I get that way sometimes around museums, but this one in particular just because... I don't know.
Marc:Yeah, because it's so wrong.
Guest:It's so wrong.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:That's what makes a lot of things fun.
Guest:Yeah, that's right.
Guest:It's true.
Guest:Yeah, but there wasn't really a good spot.
Guest:I was thinking up in the woods in that one scene.
Guest:No, but there were other spots before that, but it's okay.
Guest:Guys, you really scoped it out.
Guest:I haven't surprised you paid attention.
Guest:You want to go back through?
Guest:No.
Guest:I'm not going to wait for you guys to fuck at the Creation Museum.
Guest:It won't take but a minute.
Guest:Oh, good.
Guest:I got one of the looks.
Guest:One of the looks of like, ah, you're here to mock us.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:Oh, you did just... Yeah.
Guest:That's how I read it.
Guest:I don't know.
Marc:He might have wanted to fuck me in the Creation Museum.
Guest:Are you sure?
Guest:Okay, so I'm not going to hand out mics.
Guest:We're just going to go.
Guest:I want it to be a community discussion.
Marc:I want Megan to be involved, and I don't want this to be separated by technology.
Marc:Now, let's have some impressions of the museum.
Guest:I really enjoyed it.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:I'm a big fan of dioramas in general, and I liked theirs.
Marc:I thought they were very well-done dioramas, some of them very hilarious, but others made me say, huh, maybe I should do some more research, which makes me glad I stole the Bilk Ape Man.
Marc:Oh, you did steal it.
Marc:Of course I did.
Marc:I love to steal pants.
Guest:Ha ha ha!
Marc:But you still bought something.
Marc:I bought the globe with the dinosaur in it.
Marc:I didn't figure out a way to steal that.
Marc:I probably could have if I would have done what Megan said, which is just commit to it.
Marc:But it was easy to steal the eight-man book, and it was on sale.
Marc:So, now, Jeff, did you get anything?
Marc:Did anything come back to you?
Guest:Did you get any panic?
Guest:No.
Guest:No, it didn't have any.
Guest:It was the first time I ever saw dinosaurs on Noah's Ark.
Uh-huh.
Marc:But did that change your mind a little bit?
Marc:Were you like, oh, maybe?
Marc:No.
Marc:The amount of detail they put into the ARC display was phenomenal.
Marc:Those models were great.
Marc:Oh, yeah, absolutely.
Marc:And to be in the ARC was really a great experience for me.
Guest:The ARC is their Building 7.
Marc:Well, all in all, I think that they did a very good job at propagandizing their point.
Marc:Like, it was good for believers who wanted to be entertained, and it was also good for people who were like, I'm not sold on this.
Marc:And then they had a lot of pictures and a lot of cells, and there was a lot of things addressed to where it was a very sophisticated confusion that would have rained down upon somebody who was on the fence and certainly pulled them over to the side of creationism.
Music
Bye.
Marc:Okay, that's our show, and I hope you enjoyed that little journey.
Marc:You know, it was challenging on a couple of levels, because I am a fan of a spectacle, and there were moments there where I'm like, you know, sure, I mean, dinosaurs, mankind, why not?
Marc:Why not?
Marc:The Flintstones, I mean, you know, it's all been coming at us for a long time.
Marc:I understand it, but as I said before, I left gloriously embarrassed for our country.
Marc:But proud to be an American because I don't think it could happen anywhere else.
Marc:And I will say that again if I've said it before.
Marc:And I did leave with a certain amount of empathy and annoyance on another level because I knew that many of the people there that did not question what was being presented there probably questioned the integrity and validity of our current president.
Marc:They have no problem suspending their disbelief or just out and out believing that the earth was created in seven days, but they needed a birth certificate to validate our presence.
Marc:Now, I'm not saying all the people are like that, but I'm willing to bet 70 or 80 percent.
Marc:Go to WTFPod.com for all your WTFPod needs.
Marc:Feel free to get on the mailing list.
Marc:I'm keeping up with it.
Marc:I'd love to have you.
Marc:The new T-shirts are there.
Marc:Get some JustCoffee.coop.
Marc:Go to PunchlineMagazine.com for all your comedy needs.
Marc:And please, kick in a few shekels to the cause.
Marc:We are listener-supported.
Marc:That, along with some advertising.
Marc:And we appreciate all your support.
Marc:And thanks again for coming out to San Francisco.
Marc:And if this is my last broadcast because of...
Marc:of the Pontiac Michigan gig it's been a pleasure but I feel weird saying that so let's picture me getting on stage in Pontiac Michigan I don't even know what that looks like so
Marc:I'm not a religious person.
Marc:You know, I'm a Jew.
Marc:I was raised to be selfish by Jewish parents.
Marc:And I was recently...
Marc:in Cincinnati, and I chose to go to the Creation Nest Museum.
Marc:Yeah, some of you are familiar.
Marc:Yeah?
Marc:It's the Creation Nest Museum.
Marc:And it was about 30 miles away in Kentucky, and I did a little research, and it was... I needed to go.
Marc:I needed to go.
Marc:For the wrong reasons.
Marc:Obviously.
Marc:But I needed to witness.
Marc:I needed to go to this tabernacle of ignorance.
Marc:And I went there thinking I'm gonna go there, I'm going to be horrified, angry, smug, condescending, righteous, pompous even, and just judging these fucking idiots that are going there for what they see as the right reason.
Marc:I knew I was going for the wrong reason.
Marc:And I got there and right away I walked in and I was like, this is pretty cool.
Guest:A lot of money went into making this.
Guest:They're really selling.
Guest:This is just a tabernacle of Christian creationist propaganda.
Marc:And people flock to it.
Marc:And the only thing they're trying to establish in that museum, the only thing, it's not about Jesus.
Marc:There's literally hardly any Jesus.
Marc:The only thing they're trying to establish is that at one point in time, human beings and dinosaurs could hang out.
Marc:That's the only thing.
Marc:That's the entire agenda.
LAUGHTER
Marc:that at some point in time, a person could go, come here, boy, come here, boy, to a fucking dinosaur and say, you want a carrot?
Marc:Here's a carrot.
Guest:Watch, he eats carrots.
Marc:They believe the world is about 6,000 years old.
Marc:Now, human beings as we know them, or roughly, they probably really kind of came about about 250,000 years ago.
Marc:Dinosaurs that they're talking about, probably about, what, 300 million years ago.
Marc:All right, so the gap they're trying to close is a good 300 million year gap that they're just trying to close up with pseudoscience and interesting dioramas.
LAUGHTER
Guest:Now, I know in my heart there are people going there that are actually on the fence, like, I don't know about this.
Guest:And they walk out of that museum going, pretty clear to me.
Marc:That one diorama, I don't know how it could be more clear.
Marc:I actually didn't get really upset about the agenda of the museum.
Marc:What upset me more than anything was this one room where it was sort of a display room, you know, about the Old Testament and the New Testament, and they had these audio-animatronic dolls that were lifelike.
Marc:Lifelike!
Marc:And you walk into this room, and on the left side of the room, you had Isaiah, the prophet.
Marc:You had Moses with his commandments.
Guest:You had Abraham, who was pensive and sitting for some reason and had a harp-like instrument.
Guest:I don't know why.
Guest:And they couldn't have looked more Jew-y.
LAUGHTER
Guest:And it was offensive to me as a Jew that doesn't believe in any of this shit, but I was like, you've got to be kidding me.
Guest:I mean, it might as well have been Sid Caesar, Gabe Kaplan, and Richard Lewis sitting there.
Guest:And then the blacks should have read Jews from the past.
Guest:Literally, it looks as though Moses should have had both tablets in one hand and a bagel and shmear in the other, going, why not?
Guest:And Isaiah should have been saying, enough with the food already, always with the food, enough.
Guest:And Abraham should have just been sitting there going, please stop fighting again and again.
Guest:Oy, oy, oy, oy, oy, oy, oy.
Guest:Dee-bee-dee-bee-doo-doo.
Yabba-da-ba-da-ba-da.
Okay.
Guest:It's offensive because I knew it was true because when you turn the corner and go to the New Testament side, they have the Apostle Paul, who is sitting patiently, solemn, thoughtful, looked like Ben Gazzara.
Guest:There was nothing about him that revealed any Semitic DNA whatsoever.
Guest:He had a flat nose, Mediterranean skin, a square jaw.
Guest:He was wearing a red sash and a white robe, and he had important papers.
Guest:and he was directly across from the history of the Borscht Belt.
Marc:And the expression on his face to me just read, Jews.
Guest:I found that offensive.
Marc:But then you make your way to the Garden of Eden.
Marc:This is the important room.
Marc:Because by this point, you should be pretty well mind fucked.
Guest:The horrible thing is that you see parents with children encouraging them to take this shit in and you think, where is child services when you move?
Marc:But the Garden of Eden was pretty spectacular.
Marc:The Garden of Eden was beautiful.
Marc:You walk in, there's animal noises.
Marc:It's big.
Marc:It's a garden.
Guest:It's beautiful.
Guest:Animals, just Adam.
Guest:It's the pre-Eve Eden, so it's idyllic.
Guest:No problems.
Guest:I'm not sexist.
Guest:It's in the Bible.
Guest:Which is sexist.
Marc:But you walk in and the first animal you see, they're in the back of the garden.
Marc:It's a grizzly bear.
Marc:It's a grizzly bear.
Marc:Why not?
Marc:God's weird with his choices.
Marc:It's a classic taxidermy grizzly bear up on its hind haunches, is that what you say, on its haunches?
Marc:With his hands like this, like you see in, you know, weird old places when you travel across country.
Marc:Curio shops.
Marc:So there's a grizzly bear, there's an antelope.
Guest:Over here is some deer.
Guest:In the middle sits Adam, alone holding a white lamb, which is either to foreshadow Christ or he's fucking it.
Marc:Either one possible.
Marc:in pre-Eve Eden.
Guest:But here's what happens, man.
Guest:Here's where they start to see a move past Adam, and just to the left of Adam, a single white penguin.
Guest:Doesn't matter, that's not the right climate, it's Eden, don't judge, it's a penguin.
Marc:And then I realized this was just a mental palate cleanser for what's about to happen.
Marc:Because he said, okay, Penguin, you turn the corner, T-Rex, eating a pineapple.
Guest:And my only thought at that moment was like a pineapple.
Guest:That doesn't make sense.
Guest:And I'm like, oh no, they got me.
Marc:And really because I was so hooked into the narrative of the museum, I was like, hey, I hope they explain why that carnivorous ancient reptile would be enjoying some vegetables and fruit.
Marc:They did.
Marc:The next room you go into, everything is explained.
Guest:Apparently, between the fall of man and the flood, those two events erased completely man's ability to reason and science's ability to be effective in any way.
Guest:Washed away.
Guest:The Great Flood washed away science.
Marc:So in the room, the next room, there's some exhibits.
Marc:It's just really a domestic scene.
Marc:And there are little information cards explaining what life was like before the fall and what life was like after the fall.
Guest:What did we lose as people after the fall?
Guest:What changed?
Guest:Weird selection of things.
Guest:Like the first one was disease.
Guest:There was no disease before the fall.
Guest:But after the fall, viruses and bacteria were like, it's our time.
Marc:And there's only like six of these things.
Marc:The next one, odd things.
Marc:The next one was venom.
Guest:Venom.
Guest:Out of all the things, venom.
Guest:There was no venomous animals.
Guest:Snakes, all the things.
Guest:Bad, wizards.
Guest:Harmless.
Guest:After the fall, holy shit.
Guest:Look what our fangs can do.
Guest:They're playing to the kids with this thing.
Marc:No meat eating before the fall.
Marc:That would explain the pineapple.
Marc:No carnivorous things.
Marc:That's an important detail.
Marc:That is why people could be like, let's ride the dinosaur.
Yeah.
Marc:No fear, as long as there's pineapple around.
Marc:After the fall, fuck it, we're gonna eat these fuckers.
Marc:Then there was one that made me understand the entire museum and who they were really gearing their momentum towards.
Guest:The next information plaque just said, weeds.
Guest:Before the fall of man, there were no weeds.
Guest:Who the fuck could that plaque be for?
Guest:A guy who looks at that and goes, no way.
Guest:Every year my yard is full of fucking no weeds.
Guest:Oh, that must have been beautiful.
Guest:I knew they were fucking evil!
Marc:But the Ark, you're inside the Ark.
Marc:They show you how it's constructed.
Marc:Cubits and they have men with animatronic things and people building, you know, moving things.
Marc:And Noah's there explaining it.
Marc:And he sounded like Count Chocula.
Like he...
Marc:Like, I couldn't understand the accent, but I couldn't help but think that there was some anti-Semitic theme running.
Guest:They're like, well, we gotta have Noah, but he is a Jew, so let's make him scary.
Guest:The ark was built.
Guest:You know, like...
Marc:And then they had these architectural models of the Ark, and this was the moment where it was just great to me.
Marc:That, you know, the scale models, like, you know, the building ones the architects make with little people and, like, little bushes and things, and they look great, and you have to lean in, like, look at that detail.
Marc:So it's the Ark scale model, which apparently they're going to build down there.
Marc:They're building a full-scale Ark.
Marc:I just heard this, and it's true.
Marc:Because they're pushing it off as some sort of exhibit, but they're planning.
Guest:LAUGHTER
Guest:They're on the ramp, on the ramp, going up to the ark.
Guest:These are the little animals.
Guest:Look, there's two giraffes, two zebras, two lions, two brontosauruses.
Marc:But at that point, your mind doesn't stop there.
Marc:You're just onto the pigs.
Marc:Brontosaurus is on the ark.
Marc:I'm good with that.
Marc:And some of you are like, there are no brontosauruses.
Marc:That was not the proper name.
Marc:Like, I got an email about that.
Marc:That they're not called that.
Marc:And you know what?
Marc:I didn't even fucking make note of what they're really called because when I was a kid, it was a brontosaurus.
Marc:And I think we all know what I'm talking about.
Marc:I'm not here to do research.
Marc:My heart is in it and you get the idea.
Marc:I think that's what we're going for.
Marc:I don't have to...
Marc:No species and genus.
Marc:Whatever.
Marc:So I guess what I mean to say is that after the full experience, I didn't take a picture.
Marc:They had a triceratops with a saddle on it that you could sit on and take pictures.
Marc:But I left not angry at them.
Marc:Not angry at the museum.
Marc:Not angry at the people who were there.
Marc:I was sort of elated.
Marc:I felt sort of gloriously embarrassed for our country, but I felt deeply proud to be an American for a very weird reason.
Marc:I was proud to be an American because I realized that what I was standing in the parking lot of could only happen in America.
Marc:These are our fucking morons, and they've done a beautiful thing down here.
Marc:And I think also there's that idea that even the worst Christians, if you meet them one-on-one, are probably pretty decent people.
Marc:They're just people.
Marc:And I believe that that's true if you talk to them one-on-one.
Marc:They're probably pretty decent people.
Marc:My fear has always been when they all come to get me, it's going to be a different interaction.
Marc:More along the lines of like, let me go!
Marc:Dude, we were just talking!
Guest:It's fucking me!
Guest:God damn it!
Marc:And that's what scares me.
Marc:And I've lost my ability to judge believers.
Marc:I used to judge them a lot.
Marc:But I don't believe in God.
Marc:But I'm not an atheist.
Marc:I just don't care.
Marc:I wasn't brought up with it.
Marc:I don't care.
Marc:And I've grown to understand that if you have to, you know, kind of gather together some weird dogmatic or mystical system that works for you spiritually or somehow, good.
Marc:I hope you make it through.
Marc:Just don't drag me into it or push it on me and we're okay.
Marc:I understand.
Marc:I can't judge believers.
Marc:I know that belief is necessary to feel part of something bigger than you.
Marc:And because I don't have any real quest for God in my heart, I'm a very good consumer.
Marc:Because I can't deny the whole exists.
Marc:But also, I've just lost my urgency to argue.
Marc:And I find that Christians are not annoying people when you talk to them.
Marc:They're annoying, but they're a predictable kind of annoying.
Marc:And they are pretty decent people.
Marc:There are more annoying people than Christians.
Marc:Arguably, atheists, really angry atheists, much more annoying than talking to a Christian.
Marc:I could talk to a Christian for half an hour.
Marc:I could talk to an atheist for five minutes before I'm like, shut the fuck up.
Marc:I get it.
Marc:I know what you want.
Marc:You're right.
Marc:Yes, you're right.
Marc:Vegans are much more annoying than Christians.
Marc:Because it's the same conversation.
Marc:I get it.
Marc:I'm immoral.
Marc:I can't, I'm killing with my mouth.
Marc:I get it.
Marc:Atheist vegans, horrendous people.
Marc:And the difference between an atheist, a vegan, or an atheist, vegan, and a Christian, if a Christian is a real Christian, at least they know they're flawed.
Okay.