BONUS WTF Rarities - Live At Comix from 2010
Guest:Hey, Full Marin listeners, this is Brendan, producer of WTF, and we've got something for you.
Guest:I know quite a lot of you have been looking forward to this for some time.
Guest:There were some bonus episodes that we did in the early days of WTF that were for purchase.
Guest:We sold them a la carte on our website, WTFPod.com, and these were live episodes.
Guest:They were not part of the regular podcast feed.
Guest:And they've never been part of the regular podcast feed.
Guest:And whenever we've moved to a premium service, either when we were doing it with Libsyn or with Howl or Stitcher or now with Acast, they don't get migrated along with the regular WTF feed.
Guest:And so what we've always had to do is kind of load them in manually.
Guest:And we haven't done that yet for these episodes, these past episodes, live shows that we did in the early days, the first year or so, starting in about six months into doing the show.
Guest:So now as part of the full Marin, we're going to start rolling them out here.
Guest:They're going to be part of your bonus feed for you premium listeners.
Guest:And the first one goes all the way back to April 29th, 2010.
Guest:And this is live at comics.
Guest:This was taped at Comics Comedy Club in New York City.
Guest:No longer there.
Guest:It was on West 14th Street.
Guest:And the live shows usually featured Mark coming out and doing a monologue and then bringing out a litany of guests,
Guest:And so this featured guests John Mulaney, Janine Garofalo, Morgan Murphy, Todd Berry, Greg Giraldo, and Tom Shalhoub.
Guest:And you'll hear in Mark's monologue, you know, he talks about how he was out there on stage before the show even started.
Guest:That's what he used to do, just kind of hang out there, wait for people to trickle in, kind of talk to them.
Guest:This kind of gives you a little insight into the kind of underdog status Mark had at this time.
Guest:He still felt like this was a show not listened to by a lot of people.
Guest:And, you know, comparatively, it wasn't.
Guest:But it had a growing, loyal fan base, and they were able to pack in there for this show.
Guest:You'll also notice that we did a little end part with Tom Shalhoub, and that was because part of these live shows...
Guest:the ones that we'd been doing on the regular podcast feed, they always ended with like one guest, not part of the panel of guests.
Guest:But sometimes it was Jim Earle, sometimes it was Eddie Pepitone, sometimes it was both of them.
Guest:But all the other comics would leave and then you'd have one guest do like a set piece.
Guest:And because this was in New York, Mark had Tom Shalhoub come out and tell a few stories.
Guest:That's why that part feels a little different than the rest of the show.
Guest:And I want to do this before we air any of these old live episodes.
Guest:I want to put some stuff into context and maybe acknowledge that we understand there are some things in here that don't age particularly well.
Guest:This was 14 plus years ago.
Guest:I think if everyone on the panel, including Mark, had to do it over, they probably would handle John Mulaney talking about his sobriety a little differently, maybe a little more sensitively, especially knowing what we know now that he relapsed.
Guest:Also, the segment with Morgan Murphy.
Guest:where they are talking about her past relationship with Mark here in a somewhat joking way.
Guest:And the whole panel kind of gets in on the joke.
Guest:I think if you're listening to it, you can tell that there are some real unresolved issues going on there.
Guest:And it was probably not the right place to handle it on a stage in front of people.
Guest:I think they made the best of it.
Guest:They tried to make some jokes, but obviously there were still some really raw issues in
Guest:And they did handle them in private.
Guest:And then they also spoke about them again on the air on episode 467, which I think gives a much better presentation of both people's mindsets at the time, rather than these jokes that were being made on this episode.
Guest:Uh, you'll also, uh, hear a potshot taken at Al Lubel, which I think if you go back and listen to our episode with him and episode 692, you'll, uh, probably know that wasn't exactly fair.
Guest:It's a little joke made at his expense.
Guest:I wasn't too happy hearing it when I relistened to this episode.
Guest:So I did want to give a little heads up to that.
Guest:And, uh,
Guest:Tom Shalhoub tells a story at the end about someone being racist.
Guest:He uses the slur that they used.
Guest:I think probably in 2024 we would cut that out.
Guest:But I think Tom was not being a racist as he told this story.
Guest:It's just part of the story, and I do want to give you a heads up about that.
Guest:And without further ado, this is Live at Comics, the first premium live WTF show taped April 29th, 2010.
Guest:All right.
Guest:Are you ready to do this?
Guest:All right, what the fuckers, what the fuck buddies, what the fuckineers, welcome to comics.
Guest:This is live, what the fuck, coming from New York City.
Marc:This is John Montagna.
Marc:He composed the theme to the podcast you hear all the time, so let's just watch him awkwardly for a few minutes.
Marc:Do something really fancy.
Marc:I'm doing something really fancy right now.
Marc:Okay, sorry, sorry, keep going.
Marc:What do you call that?
Guest:That's the double-handed tapping harmonics.
Marc:Holy shit, that sounded fucking excellent.
Guest:I learned that at Berkeley College of Music, baby.
Guest:That cost my parents $15,000.
Guest:Thank you.
Guest:We got a great show tonight.
Guest:We got John Mulaney, Janine Garofalo, Morgan Murphy, Todd Berry, Greg Giraldo, Tom Shalhoub.
Guest:Give John a round of applause.
Guest:Thank you all for coming out.
Guest:And let's do this.
Marc:Thank you, John.
Marc:That was fucking beautiful.
Marc:I'm very happy to be in New York City.
Marc:Very happy.
Marc:Thank you for coming.
Marc:I really appreciate it.
Marc:Thank you, John.
Marc:That was spectacular.
Marc:Oh, God.
Marc:How do we want to open this?
Marc:We got a hell of a show.
Marc:I'm staying over... Can I tell you where I'm staying?
Marc:I'm staying at a very fancy hotel, and it was... I've had a problem with some of the staff.
Marc:It's not even mentioned it.
Marc:This guy I was talking to, I went to the service desk at this hotel, and this guy had dreads in a mohawk up in a bun.
Marc:And he was being an asshole to me.
Marc:He was being condescending.
Marc:And I'm like, you got some fucking nerve.
Marc:You can't even go outside with that haircut.
Marc:But then I realized if you're going to have a haircut like that, you have to be condescending just to pull it off, I guess, don't you?
Marc:And then so I'm at this beautiful hotel after three days at this shitty hotel.
Marc:And I'm so excited to be there.
Marc:And I finally got some sleep because I've been going pretty hard for the last couple of weeks doing a lot of touring.
Marc:And then somewhere around one in the morning, the fire alarm at the hotel goes off.
Marc:Well, yeah, but I don't know if this is just me, but have you had that moment where you just... There's some party, you know it's a fire alarm, but the other party's like, that's not real.
Marc:Like, I sat through two fire alarms going, I don't smell anything.
Marc:I'm okay.
Marc:They're almost, like, useless.
Marc:And the denial that was necessary for me to fucking believe that, what, just because I didn't smell smoke, like, the place isn't burning down?
Marc:So I decided that it was no problem, and it turns out it wasn't.
Marc:I'm okay.
Marc:Thank you.
Marc:Thank you.
Marc:Here's the other big issue about that, is that once it goes off a couple of times, I was in the huge earthquake back in L.A., whenever that was.
Marc:Do you remember the really big one?
Marc:Was it not 72?
Marc:How old do you think I am?
Ha-ha!
Marc:That was a good one?
Marc:Okay.
Marc:This is the guy who didn't know where he was, didn't know what the show was, looks at me from that chair when I'm sitting down here trying to prepare and goes, is it gonna be funny?
Marc:And let me try to give you my exact response.
Marc:No.
Marc:No, it was, like, 92, the big earthquake.
Marc:So there was no... 89?
Marc:Was it... No, no, it was 92, the one I was... You know what?
Marc:Let's drop the discussion.
Marc:It was one of them.
Marc:It was big, and it was scary.
Marc:So I was in a hotel,
Marc:And there was no alarm, there was literally an earthquake.
Marc:And I don't know if you've ever been woken up by an earthquake before, but there's that first moment where you're like, what the fuck just woke me up?
Marc:And then you start hearing the paintings on the walls rattling, and you start realizing that the entire earth is moving and there's nowhere to go.
Marc:But there was that part of me where I was like, it'll be over soon, I can go to sleep.
Marc:But then when I realized it was much worse than I thought, and I had this same moment last night in that hotel room, I really started to be concerned about what I would wear down.
Marc:Like, if I had to go outside in the middle of the night, should I go with no pants?
Marc:Would I be the only guy out there with no pants?
Marc:Because that would be awkward.
Marc:But I chose pants at the earthquake.
Marc:And I guess the one story I wanted to share with you on that, I was standing out in front of this shitty hotel in Hollywood after the earthquake had happened.
Marc:And it was a show business junket of some kind.
Marc:And the guy standing next to me, I don't remember his last name, but his name was John.
Marc:And he was one of the producers for Beavis and Butthead, which was very popular at the time.
Marc:and we're standing out in front of this hotel, and you can see power stations blowing up.
Marc:There's no lights anywhere.
Marc:It's definitely creepy and weird, and we're looking at the Hollywood Hills, completely blackened, and this guy goes, uh, I can't help but think this is somehow my fault.
Marc:I went to Chelsea today and shoved some art in my head.
Marc:I didn't necessarily understand it, but I think it's important to shove art in your head occasionally just to make sure you understand that there are people that are literally squandering their lives painting.
Marc:And they're good at it.
Marc:It's very important to them.
Marc:It's very important to a few people, but it's important that you acknowledge that they're trying to express themselves and give to the world without worrying about selling shit to people, and you just got to go pay your respects.
Marc:Don't have to understand it.
Marc:Just sit there in front of the painting and go, good for you, sir.
Marc:Good job.
Marc:So I did that today, and I felt like a better person because of it.
Marc:Do I want to read the emails from my mother?
Marc:You know, I don't know if you know where I come from.
Marc:Some of you obviously listen to the show, many of you.
Marc:I've talked about my mother.
Marc:I've interviewed my mother.
Marc:You know my mother is a very unique being.
Marc:I'm not saying that in a good way or a bad way.
Marc:But I do have a couple of emails from her that I found spectacular.
Marc:She recently hurt herself on the gym machine.
Marc:She hurt her leg.
Marc:She's okay.
Marc:It was her birthday last week, and I got this email because I had wished her a happy birthday on the phone.
Marc:Okay, all caps.
Marc:Very important when you're a mother at some point to write in all caps.
Marc:To literally be screaming at your son from the email.
Marc:Morning.
Marc:Got your birthday wishes.
Marc:How are you doing?
Marc:Am going to Boston Tuesday, Thursday, through Thursday for the bris.
Marc:Okay.
Marc:Legs improving daily.
Marc:All else is same ol' same ol'.
Marc:What do people do when they can't work out?
Marc:Do you think I am low or high-maintenance emotionally?
Marc:Would you call me grounded and tough?
Marc:Love, Mom.
Marc:How is that not a trap?
Marc:So I wrote back, Glad you are feeling better.
Marc:Hope you had a good birthday.
Marc:When people don't work out, they usually go crazy and start thinking they are high-maintenance and ungrounded.
Marc:You're great.
Marc:Just ride it out.
Marc:Love, Mark.
Marc:And then she wrote back, all caps, Oh, my God!
Marc:Are you saying that under normal conditions I am low-maintenance and grounded?
Marc:Wow!
Marc:I love you more than ever.
Marc:It's always nice to know at this age that your mother's love is conditional still.
Marc:That's why I'm so well-adjusted.
Marc:Now let's read a couple of your emails.
Marc:From Bob, what the fuck?
Marc:Love the podcast, but your sponsor is fucked.
Marc:Who gives a shit if their coffee is fair trade?
Marc:I want coffee from a corporate plantation owned by a multinational conglomerate that uses child slave labor.
Marc:No portion of sales should ever fund anything within that country's borders.
Marc:I want to taste the tears in my coffee.
Marc:Pow, Bob.
Marc:I'm not sure that was well intended at all.
Marc:Oh, this one I think I'll read.
Marc:This one caused me a little trouble.
Marc:Just wanted you to read this.
Marc:I love your podcast.
Marc:I've never enjoyed listening to anyone talk besides myself.
Marc:as much as I enjoy listening to you.
Marc:So I decided I was going to share my what-the-fuck moment.
Marc:I am at home alone late at night, came over to my dad's house.
Marc:No one is home.
Marc:Wrong.
Marc:I go straight up to my room to listen to your show, and I hear this moaning.
Marc:At first I thought I was accidentally watching porn or something.
Marc:Oh, that's what I'm doing.
Marc:It wasn't.
Marc:I walk in the living room, and my sister and her boyfriend are having sex on the couch.
Marc:What the fuck?
Marc:My sister is 13.
Marc:Her boyfriend is, like, 17.
Marc:Disturbing.
Marc:Oh, by the way, the Dana D'Armond episode really enlightened me on porn.
Marc:Thanks a lot, Alex, 16.
Marc:Hey, good for getting your sisters back, seriously.
Marc:It's always good when your 13-year-old fucking sister is having sex on the couch not to step in and say, dude, get off my fucking sister.
Marc:She's 13, but to sit there and reflect on how you feel about porn.
Marc:I, uh... Not so sure you did the right thing, Alex, but, gee, thanks for sharing.
Uh...
Marc:All right, we'll do one more, and then we'll bring out John.
Marc:Dear Mark, love the podcast, was recently involved in a car accident, have been laid up in bed for the past two weeks.
Marc:I've therefore been subject to a mind-numbing amount of TV.
Marc:Having listened to your recent podcast when you discussed consumerism with Dove Davidoff, I decided to do a little experiment.
Marc:Please note that the word experiment should be used in the loosest possible sense.
Marc:I decided to watch three advert breaks.
Marc:British.
Marc:Um...
Marc:And note the message in each one.
Marc:Here are the results.
Marc:You are ugly.
Marc:You lack confidence.
Marc:You are not unique.
Marc:You are stupid.
Marc:You are too old.
Marc:You're not a proper man.
Marc:Your family is dysfunctional and depressed.
Marc:Your skin is repugnant.
Marc:You're too old and your hair is gray.
Marc:You don't have any hobbies.
Marc:You live a boring life.
Marc:Your armpits are rancid.
Marc:You are poisoning your family with tap water.
Marc:Your baby will die of salt poisoning.
Marc:Your eyelashes are just awful.
Marc:Your life is void of genuine friends.
Marc:Your house smells so rancid, your friends balk upon entry.
Marc:Your cat is depressed.
Marc:You will never fall in love while your hair is like that.
Marc:Make of that what you will.
Marc:Let's get the show started.
Marc:My first guest is a young comedian, which means that it's hard for me not to resent his success.
Marc:But we'll work through it.
Marc:He writes for SNL right now.
Marc:His new album is... I just wrote the album down.
Marc:All right, easy, fanboy.
Marc:His new album is... Who are you here to see?
Marc:His new album is called The Top Part.
Marc:Please welcome John Mulaney to the stage.
Thank you.
Marc:Hey, buddy.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Here's your microphone.
Guest:Hey, Mark.
Marc:Hi, John.
Marc:Hey, everybody.
Marc:How are you doing?
Yeah.
Marc:So this is where I lean back and go, John Mulaney, the new kid.
Guest:I'm not the new kid.
Marc:I know.
Marc:But you're very successful and very talented, and I appreciate everything you're doing for the world of comedy.
Guest:Thank you.
Guest:I'm very flattered that you think I'm funny.
Marc:Yeah, it took a while.
Marc:Did it take a while?
Marc:Well, no, because I didn't really... I never really seen... Because I was intimidated by you for a long time.
Marc:Really?
Marc:Well, I apologize for putting off that vibe.
Marc:No, no, no.
Marc:But it was clearly resentment and jealousy.
Marc:So that aside, I had not seen your acting when I first saw you.
Marc:I thought, wow, what a well-adjusted young man.
Marc:He's having a lot of success in comedy.
Marc:Somehow he's cheating.
Marc:And then I learned that you're definitely fucked up, but you fixed yourself at some point in time.
Guest:Oh, yeah, yeah.
Guest:I mean, I was well-raised, but then had bad things that I got myself into.
Marc:You threw it all in the toilet?
Marc:I threw it all in the toilet.
Marc:You were just like, fuck you, mom.
Marc:Fuck you, dad.
Marc:I'm doing what I want.
Guest:Yeah, but I still was like too much of a coward to say fuck to them.
Marc:Really?
Marc:Like to use the word fuck, so I just... Took it out on yourself?
Marc:Took it out on myself.
Marc:Like a real self-destructive person?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Good for you.
Marc:So before we get into that part of it, so you're up at SNL.
Guest:Yeah, I've been writing there for, this is my second season, end of my second season then.
Marc:Now, I don't know if you can talk about this, but we'll keep it in the room.
Marc:So you got any good Lorne Michael stories?
Marc:Because I had one.
Marc:It was so weird.
Guest:Well, why don't you tell yours?
Guest:No, I've already told you.
Guest:Well, but I work there still, so tell yours.
Marc:This will never get back to him, man.
Marc:He was famous for one saying.
Marc:He sat me down in his office and says, I don't know what you think you're doing down there below 14th Street, but it doesn't matter.
What?
Marc:So if I could use you to get back at him, it'd be awesome.
Guest:Below 14th, that's such a big area.
Guest:Wow.
Marc:What an amazing, wow.
Guest:That's writing off a lot of people.
Marc:Well, he was referring to the alternative comedy scene to Luna Lounge.
Marc:It doesn't matter.
Marc:Yeah, yeah.
Marc:And he'd gotten some press in the New York Times, and I guess somehow he saw that as his domain name.
Guest:You met with him about doing something or was it just sort of like a general?
Marc:No, he just had me up to tell me I was shitty.
Marc:It was the weirdest experience.
Marc:I was all excited.
Marc:Maybe I'll get out on SNL.
Marc:No, he just had me in to say what you do doesn't matter.
Guest:A successful man meeting with you to tell you what you do doesn't matter.
Guest:It's like the Big Lebowski or something.
Marc:I know that's funny, but that's essentially what happened.
Guest:That's how it felt.
Marc:If you render it down, that's what that was about.
Marc:Yeah, he teased me with the idea of being on the show, and then he said, no, go back below 14th Street.
Marc:Do you have a good relationship with him?
Guest:But you perform uptown.
Guest:You go to the strip sometimes.
Guest:Let's not do that.
Guest:That's 83rd.
Guest:It's well above 14th.
Marc:I didn't want to bring that up to him.
Marc:I don't think that would have been the way to open the conversation.
Marc:You know, fuck you.
Guest:I happen to perform at the comic strip, sir.
Guest:Uptown.
Guest:Uptown.
Guest:The upper east.
Guest:Where things do matter.
Guest:Everything's up there.
Guest:God, if I would have just said that, I might have been on the show.
Guest:Another thing.
Guest:Lots of things.
Guest:You like working over there?
Guest:I love working over there.
Guest:I mean, obviously, like, you may think I'm just sugarcoating stuff.
Guest:But it's a really great place to work right now.
Guest:And when I started there, they said to me, there have been times when things, you know, politics can be dicey at the show, but it's not one of those times right now.
Guest:Everyone's getting along really well.
Guest:And they have been.
Guest:So it's been a great experience so far.
Marc:Yeah, I don't think that was sugarcoating it.
Marc:That was blatantly ass-pissing and diplomatic.
Marc:So it's good that you chose the high road on that.
Guest:No, I didn't, yeah.
Guest:I said nothing and let myself off the hook before I said nothing.
Marc:And everybody knows that there's a history of people saying nothing but nice things about working at SNL.
Guest:Right, there are books and books about how many people loved working at SNL.
Guest:volumes of interviews.
Guest:But I like working there.
Guest:I love it.
Marc:I'm happy you got the gig.
Marc:I work out of my garage.
Marc:This is a treat for me to be out of the garage.
Guest:But it's on 15th Street, the garage.
Guest:Right above.
Guest:We're at 14th and 9th right now, by the way, so technically we matter.
Guest:Isn't that nice?
Guest:Yeah, I think on this side of 14th, we're good.
Guest:Meatpacking matters.
Guest:Meatpacking matters.
Marc:It's an important place.
Marc:That's got a multi-leveled thing.
Marc:Yeah, absolutely.
Marc:But you came up, there's a whole group of you guys that you're friends with and they all are very funny.
Marc:Mike Ribiglia and Nick Kroll.
Marc:Did you guys, did you go to
Guest:school together yeah I went well I didn't overlap with Mike in terms of years we all went to Georgetown together and I was there with Kroll at the same time Berbiglia graduated a little before us and it was nice because it was you know I knew two comics when I moved here so that was good so you could team up and resent the old guard and try to forge your way in
Guest:Yeah, you know, when I first came here, though, it was like all those... See, I came here at an easier time because a lot of shows were already set up and running.
Guest:I always think I had a very soft, cushy introduction to New York comedy.
Guest:Invite Them Up was already started.
Guest:Invite Them Up, like Rafifi, those venues were already going on.
Marc:The alternative venues, which didn't exist when I started.
Marc:Yeah, we had to do a comedy in comedy clubs.
Marc:It was very awkward.
Marc:LAUGHTER
Marc:There was a time where comedians actually did the job of comic at comedy clubs.
Marc:And then what happened is things spread out and comics realized, like, hey, if we can talk a shitty bar into giving us a night, we can perform for our friends.
Guest:And I can have half-finished jokes that trail off.
Marc:And half-finished for my entire career because there's no chance.
Guest:Until you have to do premium blend and then you're like, eh, fuck.
Guest:I didn't have an ending.
Guest:Ha, ha, ha.
Guest:I didn't work hard.
Guest:That's exactly right.
Marc:But you're not that guy.
Marc:You have a very strong act.
Guest:No, but I'm guilty of indulging myself at nice, comfortable venues like that.
Marc:Yeah, I used to have a problem with it, but now I realize, why should I fucking judge?
Marc:Why not perform for people that like you as opposed to drunk people who have no idea who you are?
Guest:Right.
Marc:These people have no idea who I am.
Guest:Were they the people who asked if it was funny?
Marc:No, that was that guy.
Guest:Whoa.
Guest:Wow.
Marc:And you wouldn't expect that coming from him.
Marc:He looks like an intelligent guy.
Marc:He's got the round glasses.
Marc:No, he looks like a New Yorker cartoon.
Marc:I can't believe he would go after it.
Marc:He saw the opportunity and just took a punch right at my fucking heart.
Marc:Without even thinking twice about it.
Marc:And I'm trying not to resent him, but these people are just, they're here because they heard it was a show and Janine was going to be on.
Marc:So we're changing their life right now.
Guest:They're big Janine fans and they're here for her.
Guest:Okay, but they'll catch on.
Marc:How are you, how old are you, man?
Guest:27.
Marc:You know where I was when I was 27?
Guest:Where you were?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Where?
Marc:Nowhere.
Guest:That's not true.
Guest:When you were 27, what were you doing?
Marc:Drinking a lot.
Guest:But you were already in L.A., right?
Marc:No, I'd come back from L.A.
Marc:because I was beaten.
Marc:And...
Marc:And then I moved back to Boston.
Guest:I said already in L.A.
Guest:like that means you've arrived.
Guest:Like you are living in L.A.
Marc:I went to L.A.
Marc:and L.A.
Marc:just took me, you know, it sucked me into its mouth, you know, and chewed me a little bit.
Marc:Uh-huh.
Marc:But was unable to swallow me.
Marc:And then spit me back out to Boston where I landed and said, I'm okay.
Marc:I'm going to try again.
Marc:And then I moved to New York.
Marc:So when I was 27, I was probably on the Lower East Side living on a block that pervade heroin primarily.
Marc:Uh-huh.
Marc:And walking around the streets with Todd Berry going, why the fuck can't we get on a Catch a Rising Star?
Marc:That guy's a fucking asshole.
Guest:Why can't we get on a Catch?
Marc:That's where I was at.
Marc:You, on the other hand, are writing at SNL.
Marc:But I'm not jealous.
Guest:But I am not on Catch a Rising Star.
Guest:I have yet to do an HBO Young Comedian special.
Marc:So now, how the fuck are you sober at 27?
Marc:I mean, did you get enough...
Marc:Did you get enough time in?
Marc:Did you have enough fun?
Guest:I was thinking today, oh crap, I don't think I had enough fun.
Guest:I was just thinking about it today.
Guest:I thought, oh, that was really good because I did a lot of drugs and I drank and I quit when I was 23.
Guest:Who does that?
Guest:I know.
Guest:That's right when it starts.
Guest:If it's any consolation, I was super miserable.
Marc:No, that's no consolation.
Marc:That's part of it.
Guest:Okay.
Marc:When you're super miserable and 23 and fucked up on drugs, you're like, I need more drugs, clearly, because I'm super miserable.
Marc:And then watch everything else fall down around you.
Marc:It takes 10, 15 years after that.
Marc:I got an idea.
Marc:You go after this show to the Lower East Side, pick up some blow, pick up some dope, and show up in Lauren's office tomorrow and go, I'm doing it Belushi style now.
Shit.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And then 15 years, I'll... You'll be hosting a show in your garage.
Guest:I'll be hosting a show.
Guest:So how did you sober up?
Guest:I mean, do you... I drank and I moved... I drank in college.
Guest:I mean, I know everyone drinks in college, but I drank alcoholically from high school to college, and then I wanted to stop doing drugs and drinking, so I moved to New York and got into stand-up comedy.
Marc:And... Things have really changed.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:It used to go the other way around.
Guest:You'd go back to college to sober up.
Guest:So I did it.
Guest:I never went to meetings or anything.
Guest:I just stopped.
Guest:And... Did you have a moment where you're like, you know, I'm fucked?
Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Marc:Yeah, what was that like?
Guest:That was just depressing.
Marc:I mean, it was... You weren't surrounded by jars of your own pee...
Guest:No.
Guest:No, I never got, like, I never got... Like, I'm not getting out of bed.
Guest:Jars of your own pee.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:That's like... Those are the best stories.
Guest:That's like the height of, like, wealth, right?
Guest:I guess in their mind, yes.
Guest:It's like the bad side of wealth, right?
Guest:No.
Guest:Start saving your own pee.
Marc:It's a sign of true commitment to remaining drunk, is what it is.
Guest:Oh, I get it.
Guest:Oh, because you won't even leave bed.
Guest:That's right.
Marc:You just piss into jars.
Marc:I'm not saying I did that, but I know people.
Guest:Right.
Guest:Although then you have to buy the jars.
Marc:Oh, shit.
Marc:I guess you're right.
Marc:No, I think you find him in the house and you use whatever your... There's no reason to go into this in depth.
Guest:All right.
Guest:So I'd black out all the time.
Marc:Awesome.
Guest:And, you know, like, I'd black out so much, my doctor told me that.
Guest:He's like, your brain now, when it tastes alcohol, it's going to black out automatically.
Marc:And you said, where am I?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:So, like, I could black out after, like, one drink.
Guest:So then enough blackouts became, it was like, I felt like, you know, like the Bourne identity every day.
Guest:But with no upper body strength.
Yeah.
Guest:I got a tag out of this.
Guest:Thank God.
Guest:Thank God.
Guest:I'm here to help.
Guest:And so that just messed with my head enough that that's why I stopped.
Guest:It was mainly blacking out, losing time.
Marc:I think you could tag it one more time, really.
Marc:Like if you go, the Bourne identity with no upper body strength and no clear mission.
Guest:And I don't speak any other languages.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:You just saw the joke writing process happen before your very eyes.
Guest:Did you see this backstage?
Guest:This is a stand-up comedy class.
Marc:No, don't do that.
Marc:That's for people that will never do it.
Guest:But they can teach you to master joke formulas in that.
Marc:Oh, really?
Marc:Let's see who teaches it and try not to be fucking horrendous about it.
Guest:Master joke formulas and overcome stage fright.
Guest:Holy shit, I should take this.
Guest:You should.
Guest:You should show up at that one morning.
Marc:Just to make the teacher nervous.
Guest:Yeah, under a shitty alias.
Marc:Yeah, I got a question.
Marc:Who the fuck are you?
Marc:And why aren't you successful?
Marc:Ah!
Marc:No, go on with your little class.
Marc:John Mulaney, ladies and gentlemen.
Marc:Slide over?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Right now, it's my pleasure to bring out a dear friend and a hero to all and a lovely woman and one of the funniest people in the world, and I can't say enough good things about her.
Marc:Please welcome to stage Janine Garofalo.
Thank you.
Marc:Here's your seat, and here's your microphone.
Guest:Hello.
Guest:Hi.
Marc:How you doing?
Guest:I'm good.
Guest:How are you?
Marc:Good.
Marc:What happened in Philly the other night?
Marc:Oh, well... We just went... We did a show in Philly the other night.
Guest:Context.
Guest:We were just in Philadelphia at the Theater of the Living Arts where Mark went on first.
Guest:Sometimes we flip a coin and see who goes first, who goes second, but he went first this time, and then he had to catch a train, and then I went on, and it was a great venue.
Guest:The audience was very, very nice, and I can't believe how I...
Guest:fumbled, dropped the ball so unbelievably, and I'm still cringing over it since Tuesday night.
Guest:And the reason is, among other things, I mean, I tank it sometimes anyway, but this time I'm gonna be shooting a special in a week for a DVD, which I actually don't feel that comfortable doing.
Guest:And so the people shooting the special said, you must do the set that you're going to do for that night.
Guest:We want it locked down to know what you're gonna do.
Guest:And there's something inside me that can't do that.
Marc:Yeah, as soon as you hear them locked down, it's like, no.
Guest:It just feels, and I know that it's an immature response to perceived authority and perceived, it's just, I have a very, I just don't respond well to that kind of thing.
Guest:Now, it's certainly a very reasonable request that the people would ask that.
Marc:To prepare your show for television.
Marc:To prepare the show that you're going to do.
Marc:I'm sorry, I missed that.
Guest:I'm sorry, you lost interest in that story.
Marc:I didn't lose interest in the story.
Marc:I left, you were doing well, and then I had an awkward meeting in the lobby with a guy I hadn't seen, speaking of drugs.
Guest:Oh, and you forgot your check.
Guest:You left without getting your check to the manager.
Marc:Holy shit.
Marc:I thought they sent that to somebody.
Guest:He said he would, but he said, Mark left, I have a check.
Marc:Oh, fuck.
Marc:Can I just excuse me?
Marc:My manager's here.
Marc:Can you do something about that?
Guest:For the Theater of the Living Arts in Philadelphia.
Marc:Yeah, apparently I forgot my check.
Guest:Speaking of which, it's always Sunny in Philadelphia is a great show.
Marc:Oh, so anyways, Janine, I get out, I get a note backstage.
Marc:So they bring me a note and say, this guy's there to see me, that he's known me 30 years, and I don't recognize the name, speaking of drugs.
Marc:And I go out, and it's this dude that I can't even mention names.
Marc:He used to hang around a guy I bought drugs from on the Lower East Side, and he was like this kid then, and he was like a criminal, like a...
Marc:A killer guy, like a dude that was scary but used to hang around.
Marc:That's what happens when you do drugs.
Marc:He hung around with a drug dealer.
Marc:Yeah, it's fucking crazy, right?
Guest:And it's that guy, and he's like, Mark, how you doing?
Guest:It's so good to see you.
Guest:I mean, what do you say?
Guest:You go, oh shit, it's good to see you too, killer guy.
Marc:But now he's running a restaurant, so everything's good.
Marc:And it's a killer restaurant.
Guest:He needs to take the Manhattan Comedy School stand-up comedy class.
Guest:Master joke formula.
Guest:You gotta master your formula, find out your hook.
Guest:Yeah, it says master, find your comic voice or hook.
Marc:Like your hook?
Guest:Where better than in a class, I find, than to develop your own personal comedy style.
Marc:How do you decide on a hook?
Marc:You know, like, now find a little word, like, gotcha.
Marc:Hey, he's the gotcha guy.
Marc:I love that guy.
Guest:You hire a life coach and then you do demographic testing to see what your hook is.
Guest:And then you do, you know what I mean, surveys, things of that nature.
Guest:And then if all goes well, whatever the majority likes, that would be your hook.
Marc:Did you ever experiment with taglines or catchphrases?
No.
Guest:But I did in the first few years I did stand-up.
Guest:I definitely was not myself on stage.
Guest:I definitely was so kind of nervous that I would overcompensate.
Guest:Like, I'm so cool.
Guest:I started doing stand-up when I was 19, so I just had this persona of, like, whatever.
Guest:I'm so embarrassed about that now, but for about the first four or five years of stand-up, I just had a persona that was not even remotely close to my personality.
Marc:I remember when I ran into you after Boston in Los Angeles, when you had just moved out there, you literally were like, I can only talk about show business, I'm not thinking about anything else, and if you want to talk about other things, I can't help you.
LAUGHTER
Guest:What I meant was career goals.
Guest:It wasn't like just show business in general like I want to talk about.
Guest:The machinations of the business.
Guest:It was, these are the goals I want to achieve and this is what I want to do and blah, blah, blah.
Guest:And then let's cut to today I was doing a radio show and two different callers said, whatever happened to you?
Guest:How come you don't do stand-up or act anymore?
Guest:So it worked out really well.
Guest:Two different colors.
Guest:And I'm telling you, oh, that hurts.
Guest:That hurts.
Marc:How are your dogs?
Guest:Dead.
Marc:Dead.
Guest:I'm sorry.
Guest:Coincidentally, they actually are dead.
Marc:I'm trying to lighten it up a little bit.
Guest:That's okay.
Guest:I'm sorry.
Marc:I got one.
Marc:How are your dogs?
Guest:Yes, the last one.
Marc:How's your boyfriend?
Guest:Oh, he's, I think he's alive.
Guest:I'm not sure.
Guest:I think he's still alive.
Guest:Last I checked, I just poke him with a stick every once in a while and throw some food at him and then see how it goes.
Marc:Janine Garofalo, ladies and gentlemen.
Guest:Thank you, thank you.
Thank you.
Marc:All right.
Marc:My next guest is a friend of mine, also of Mulaney's generation, and she writes for Jimmy Fallon.
Marc:She's also a tremendous stand-up comedian.
Marc:Please welcome Morgan Murphy to the stage.
Marc:He was?
Yeah.
Marc:He did?
Marc:Todd can handle it.
Marc:I'm sorry, Todd.
Marc:I decided to bring Morgan out, and then we have, like, two women.
Marc:Sorry, Todd.
Marc:Don't freak out.
Marc:Hi, Morgan.
Marc:Pick up a mic.
Guest:Sorry, I was eating.
Marc:You were eating?
Marc:You were mid-bite of something?
Guest:Yeah, because I wasn't supposed to be here now.
Guest:Are we gonna be able to work through it, or do you wanna... Well, I think we've worked through worse.
Guest:We'll be fine.
Marc:That was a softball?
Guest:Oh, we'll be fine.
Guest:We're good.
Guest:Look at us.
Marc:No, I feel good.
Marc:We're out.
Marc:We're talking.
Marc:We had a plane ride the other day.
Guest:Hey, by the way, your response, your mom's email that you say you, your response was not, you should have explained that's not the original response you were going to write to her.
Guest:I was on, we were on the airplane from Portland to New York, a seat apart because God does funny things to me.
Guest:And, uh...
Guest:And you're like, oh, this is the email my mom sent to me, and I read, and I'm like, yeah, yeah, she's crazy.
Guest:I mean, you know, aren't we all?
Guest:And then you're like, what if I write this?
Guest:And like, I don't even remember what you said, but I might as well have just said, like, fuck you, cunt.
Guest:And I was like...
Guest:Are you fucking kidding me?
Guest:You're gonna write that?
Guest:And you kept changing it.
Guest:You had like nine drafts of like, what this?
Guest:How about this?
Guest:How about this?
Guest:And then you like, you know, then you ultimately came up with like that and I settled for it, but not really.
Guest:I just went back to my computer, but you were, you didn't explain that.
Marc:I just want to make it clear that I have resolved my mother issues.
Marc:And I think what she saw was some slip backward into something that might've been a little different.
Marc:Oh.
Marc:No, fuck her.
Marc:I mean, you know, the... No, I love my mom.
Marc:She's just, you know, draining, and I'm lucky I have an identity.
Marc:The, um... Now I feel awful.
Marc:Hold on.
Marc:Mom, I love you if you're listening.
Marc:And you're going to be fine.
Marc:And you look thin.
Guest:Go ahead.
Guest:I think our moms are similar, but your mom is thin and my mom's fat.
Guest:Whatever they did, she internalized it and my mom just... No, maybe my mom internalized it and that's why she got bigger.
Marc:Maybe that's... No, you've got to put the food issues right out in front of you and then not eat them.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Whereas my mom would, like, she'd get ice cream when I was a kid, and then, like, a day later, I'd be like, where'd it go?
Guest:And she'd, like, lie.
Guest:I don't know.
Guest:She'd say, like, I had to get rid of it.
Guest:It was fucking, I don't know, it was gonna start a fire or something.
I don't know.
Marc:My mother would have ice cream in the house for about a half hour, compulsively eat, like, a quarter of it, then dump salt and pepper on it and throw it in the garbage.
Guest:Oh, really?
Marc:That was her system.
Guest:Yeah, my mom did all that without the salt and pepper.
Guest:Your mom is a seasoned version of my mom.
Marc:You know, my mom can share her plan if you want to put them in touch.
Marc:You know, she's got a system.
Guest:My mom doesn't keep friends that long.
Guest:I don't know.
Guest:I'll try.
Guest:I'll try.
Guest:I'll try.
Guest:I'll do my best.
Guest:But it was, we had a good weekend.
Guest:We had a positive, we had a positive weekend.
Guest:You know.
Marc:Yeah, it was the first time we talked.
Marc:Like, really talked in a long time.
Marc:I guess the crowd should know there's a little tension between us.
Guest:And we don't really... Elaborate, please.
Guest:I think we're all curious as to what you're referring to.
Guest:I will say this, when you put on the Twitter, you know, publicly or whatever, hey, are you doing this show?
Guest:I guess you couldn't direct message me because I don't follow you for mental health reasons.
Guest:You direct me, you put it publicly, are you still doing my podcast?
Guest:And I got like a bunch of people, my loved ones going,
Guest:What the fuck are you doing?
Guest:And I had to explain to them that I'm trying to bridge a gap here, and we have to see each other.
Guest:We both do the same thing, sort of.
Guest:You do it.
Guest:You've been doing it long.
Guest:Well, these people are sitting here going, what the fuck happened?
Guest:Please elaborate.
Marc:We dated at an awkward time in my life.
Guest:Did we date?
Guest:Is that dating?
Did you...
Guest:I think, I think, I think we, I think I, I, I think, I think I had sex with you and then you yelled at me.
Guest:I'm pretty sure that's what happened.
Marc:A lot.
Marc:That actually sounds like a fairly deep relationship.
Marc:That was much further than dating.
Marc:We had gone past dating if you were, did you cry?
Guest:I did cry.
Marc:Oh, we had a relationship.
Guest:On day three, I think I cried.
Marc:I did cry.
Guest:Did you cry?
Marc:I did.
Guest:Yeah, you did cry.
Marc:I cried because I felt bad for making you feel bad.
Marc:And it's amazing we're not married.
Marc:It really is amazing.
Marc:I think I squirted out a couple to make you feel like I gave a shit.
Marc:And...
Guest:No, you should just immediately retract that.
Marc:I'm not even going to try to... I got defensive and managed there.
Marc:I apologize.
Guest:I do think... I will say this.
Guest:In the aftermath of whatever it was that happened, whatever broke my humanity, I...
Guest:We were at the comedy store one night, because I, in my head, thought, like, I'm still going to show up places, and that lasted about two weeks, and then I got scared.
Guest:But you were screaming at me about something else, because that was the pattern back then.
Guest:It's not making me look good.
Guest:Well, you were.
Guest:You were yelling at me.
Guest:Well, the first time you yelled at me, you told me I didn't support your voice on stage.
Guest:I didn't know what that meant.
Guest:But, uh...
Guest:why do people like this so much but but then but then you're yelling at the comedy store about something this was we weren't sleeping together anything then and you walked away and i started crying at the comedy store which is embarrassing because people there are dark and mean and awful and i was like oh i can't cry at the comedy store what's happening i'm i haven't cried in comedy ever in front of anybody and then jimmy schubert who i don't even know that well walks up to me he'd seen the whole like interaction you screaming me crying he goes you guys dating
Marc:Can I just say something in my defense?
Marc:Go ahead.
Marc:It was a difficult time.
Marc:There was a lot of things going on.
Marc:There was a lot going on.
Marc:Yeah, and we tried, and I upset you, and I got upset myself.
Marc:I didn't want to hurt you, and I didn't want it to get so chaotic, so I'd like to, for the fourth time, Morgan, for the fourth time, look in my eyes.
Marc:I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Guest:It was like the ninth time.
Marc:Do you want me to start crying in front of all these people?
Marc:No, it's fine.
Guest:You people do realize they will be sleeping together again probably about one hour after the show.
Guest:I can't do it.
Guest:There is so much you know what's going between the two.
Guest:You know why I can't do it?
Guest:It's not that I'm an attractive guy.
Guest:You could lose a soul patch, but that's fine.
Guest:I can't do it, Janine, because I've already drained so many of my friends by talking about this with them ad nauseum that I couldn't deal with facing my friends.
Guest:Me think she's got the protest too much.
Guest:And she's had one or two Crown Royal Neats.
Guest:I had one Crown Royal Neat backstage.
Guest:It's all my fault that everybody on the show is sober and they judge me for it.
Guest:No, no, I'm just saying, I'm just going to say you're maybe two or three Crown Royals away from definitely sleeping with her.
Guest:And luckily we are working together a few more times in the coming weeks and I think it'll be great.
Guest:I will tell you this.
Marc:I will tell you this.
Marc:I'll tell you how deep this thing went in a fairly short, intense time.
Marc:I'm in Portland where she has family.
Marc:I didn't know she had family in Portland.
Marc:We're on a show together.
Marc:I'm going to the bathroom in the basement of the theater, which is the public bathroom for the theater, and some woman, some blonde, drunk woman goes, you're Mark.
You're Mark.
Marc:And I go, who are you?
Marc:She goes, Marc Maron.
Marc:And then I go back upstairs.
Marc:I'm like, what the fuck was that about?
Marc:And then she's backstage, and it's your cousin.
Guest:Yeah, I said, that's my cousin.
Guest:I spent a couple weeks with her here two years ago when everything was fresh, so she probably hates you.
Marc:Hates me.
Marc:She shot me a type of stink eye that ruptured my sense of self.
Guest:Yeah, because she's my family.
Marc:Like, what?
Marc:I didn't even know her, and she was so focused and so drunk and so fucking hateful, it almost fucked my setup.
Guest:I like that the fact that it almost fucked your setup is the worst part of that story for you.
Guest:What else is there?
Guest:I remember going, I don't know, I just remember going, I don't know, I can't change, I mean, she's my family.
Marc:Yeah, you said it exactly in that tone.
Marc:Hey, yeah, well, what are you going to do?
Marc:It was clearly something that made you very happy.
Yeah.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Yeah, I did.
Guest:Absolutely.
Guest:But we did good.
Guest:We did good.
Guest:We had positive progress.
Guest:By we, I mean me.
Guest:I feel like I had progress.
Guest:I had progress.
Guest:I didn't cry the whole weekend.
Guest:It was big for me.
Guest:But we barely talked, and now if this all gets started again, it's going to work.
Guest:It's all starting.
Guest:It's not getting started.
Guest:I said, this is better than, you know, you and me just talking in your garage for an hour and then, you know, throwing things or something.
Guest:I don't know what would happen.
Guest:I wanted to avoid the garage because I didn't think this would happen here.
Marc:Having you on the live show was a plan, so I wouldn't be sitting in this shit right now.
Guest:I assume that this was where you wanted to be.
Guest:No, I think you've done good.
Guest:What do you want me to talk about?
Guest:Like writing monologues for Fallon?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:All right.
Guest:I'll talk about that.
Guest:That was exactly what I was anticipating.
Guest:But now I guess... Just ask me a question about that.
Guest:All right.
Guest:So what's your day at work like?
Guest:I get in at, like, 10.
Guest:I just read, like, the news premises for the day and turn in some jokes and just see what I get on the air.
Guest:And it's a pretty... So wait, do you want to start dating again?
Guest:No.
Guest:No.
Guest:It's so romantic.
Guest:No, because you got, like, the stripper and the other girl and the... I can't... What?
Guest:I can't...
Guest:I'm trying to, you know, moving forward.
Guest:I'm gonna go have coffee with somebody soon.
Guest:Who?
Guest:I don't know, some guy.
Guest:I can't.
Marc:Like who?
Guest:A guy.
Marc:A guy you made up?
Marc:The fictional guy?
Guest:No, sometimes I have coffee once in a while.
Guest:I can't do, you know.
Marc:That was a deep laugh.
Marc:That was like one of those laughs where the tension got so great, something exploded inside of him.
Marc:So are we good?
Guest:Yeah, haven't we always been good?
Marc:Morgan Murphy, ladies and gentlemen.
Marc:Holy shit.
Marc:Oh, my God.
Marc:Was that entertaining?
Marc:Did you feel like, are you excited about the show that you didn't know what you were getting into?
Marc:Can you help me out, fucker?
Marc:Look what's happening to me up here.
Marc:I've got to bring my friend Todd out.
Marc:All right, the... I didn't think you would have set me up so easily when I walked out.
Guest:I couldn't help it.
Guest:I had to be honest.
Guest:I'm an honest... Now the tone is changing.
Guest:Now the tone is changing.
Marc:No, everything's good.
Marc:I feel great about this.
Marc:I want the world to know that we're getting married.
Marc:Ladies and gentlemen, my dear friend, for, I think, 25 years, we've actually been in the business that long together.
Marc:We used to wander the streets of the Lower East Side wondering why we weren't getting onstage more places.
Marc:And he is truly one of my favorite comics.
Marc:Please welcome Todd Berry to the stage.
Marc:Thank you.
Guest:Oh, man.
Guest:Wow.
Guest:I gotta say, I was okay with you getting the order wrong, but had I known... Morgan was gonna drop a bombshell like that.
Guest:That's like the podcast equivalent of the Tiger Woods story.
Guest:It's a bombshell.
Guest:Did you know about it?
Guest:I'm pretending I didn't know about it.
Guest:Just to make the bombshell thing seem a little stronger.
Guest:I thought it was such a well-protected thing, and then she just comes out.
Guest:Paul, you were the first.
Guest:I'm sorry to interrupt his thing.
Guest:No, I've been up here 10 seconds.
Guest:You should interrupt me.
Guest:I need a little breather.
Guest:God, I just don't want to know that it's your turn, but I just don't want people thinking, I fucking dropped the bomb.
Guest:I thought you said everything you just said.
Guest:I thought it was funny and it was entertaining.
Guest:Just trying to get some laughs up front.
Guest:We were enjoying it backstage.
Guest:You want to get some laughs up front?
Guest:Going on the podcast after that, it's like following a juggler at a comedy club.
Guest:It's just like, oh shit, how do I readjust the whole room?
Guest:Shift gears.
Marc:There's definitely some emotional plate spinning going on there.
Guest:I thought it would be cool if everyone brought one of these.
Marc:Yeah, everyone has.
Marc:I think that's going to get more promotion than our actual sponsors on this show.
Guest:It's just fucking comedy class.
Guest:My favorite thing about this is that they still use an nyc.rr email address.
Guest:I didn't know you could still do that.
Marc:I have an AOL address still.
Guest:Whoa.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:But I'm not going to take any flack for it because I'm calling it classic.
Guest:It's eclectic.
Guest:But they're like up to two gigs now, right?
Guest:You don't have to have that shitty software, right?
Marc:I don't know what they're up to, but all I know is I still fucking pay for it.
Guest:Are you serious?
Guest:I didn't even... I'm afraid to... You can't even pay for it.
Guest:I don't think you can pay for it.
Guest:I don't know.
Guest:Then who's taking my money from my credit card every month?
Guest:17-year-old in Helsinki or something?
Guest:You can still pay for AOL?
Marc:For what, that fucking software?
Marc:I didn't do it on purpose.
Marc:I just haven't touched the planet.
Guest:You like that box that shows up and goes...
Guest:No, I don't know.
Marc:I'm afraid to change it because I'm afraid I'll lose the purity of my screen name.
Guest:No, you're afraid.
Guest:For the same reason everyone keeps the old name.
Guest:You're afraid like someone, some woman from nine years ago.
Guest:I was like, I was wrong.
Guest:I don't know if this is still your address.
Marc:They can find me through other medium now.
Guest:That's what websites are for, right?
Guest:Have you got any stalkers lately?
Guest:I don't think I've ever had a stalker.
Guest:Really?
Guest:Anyone interested?
Marc:Not at a... I always get those... This guy... Was that what you had in mind?
Marc:The guy wearing the nerd cock shirt?
Guest:He's got two t-shirts rocking.
Guest:That's nice.
Guest:Ooh, long sleeve shirt under a short sleeve.
Marc:So I think we should talk about the fact that... Man, I came out swinging, huh?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:We both, I think, had a big sort of cathartic change of heart about the UK recently because both of us had bad experiences in Edinburgh.
Marc:Oh, yeah.
Marc:And then we went to Glasgow.
Guest:Yeah, we were in... This is the second time I've been on your show.
Guest:We've talked about Scotland.
Marc:Well, I mean, it's important.
Guest:Apparently, there's something about... No, Mark and I were just at a festival in Scotland together and performing for crowds of six people.
Marc:It wasn't that different than Edinburgh, but we liked it.
Marc:Didn't you have fun?
Marc:I did have fun.
Marc:Yeah?
Marc:I did have fun.
Guest:But I did something.
Guest:I remembered a story, something I did.
Guest:Oh, good.
Guest:You know, there's this club there.
Guest:It's a really well-run comedy club called The Stand, and there's one in Edinburgh and Glasgow, and they actually have something on their website just telling you, if you have a bachelorette party, don't come to our club.
LAUGHTER
Guest:It's the truth.
Guest:And he actually provides a link of a competing club.
Guest:He says, go there.
Guest:They'll take your bachelorette card.
Guest:Which is like just breathtaking that someone would do that.
Guest:It's great.
Guest:But I was doing a show there and I did something I almost never do.
Guest:You know the way you overhear someone saying something shitty about you?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Like if you're in the men's room or something.
Guest:But this woman, right after my show, and I had a set that was kind of like not that great, but if you can believe it.
LAUGHTER
Guest:It's hard, this already seems like a bullshit story.
Guest:Like all that laugh was bigger than all the laughs, so I have this one prediction.
Guest:But I heard this woman walk, she walks up to a comedy, she goes, that American guy was terrible.
Guest:And I had like half a glass of comedy club wine in me.
Guest:And I was just like, you know what, I'm gonna go talk to her.
Guest:And I never do this and I ran up and I go, I heard everything you said.
Guest:And she's like, well, she goes, you know, I'm slow and I'm done.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:I get it now.
Guest:There's not much more to that story.
Guest:Except that I actually confronted her.
Guest:It felt good.
Guest:I just want to let you know I heard you talking shit to me.
Marc:It feels good to do that.
Marc:It did feel good.
Marc:But sometimes if you don't make them feel stupid for doing it, you risk the possibility of them sticking by their guns.
Guest:Well, she sort of did that, but in her mind, she was sticking by her guns by telling me how dumb she was.
Marc:Well, I'm dumb.
Marc:Well, congrats on that.
Marc:Because as soon as you cross that threshold into doing that, you're basically trying to sell them on the idea that they should like you.
Marc:I've done that before, and people have insisted on not liking me.
Marc:Like, I...
Marc:And I think I've told this story before, but I had a guy write me emails about that.
Marc:Like, you know, you suck, you're this, you're that.
Marc:And I wrote him, I said, you know, what exactly, which joke do you think sucked?
Marc:Why would you do that?
Marc:That's fucking great.
Marc:Because there's moments where you see shit and you're like, you know, a person wrote that and that fucker's got to pay for it.
Marc:So...
Marc:So I go, what joke?
Marc:And he's like, you know, all of them.
Marc:And I'm like, you know, and then I'm like, you know, well, I'd like you to deconstruct my act a little bit because I'd like to know exactly what you have a problem with.
Marc:And then he wrote back, why are you keep emailing me?
Guest:To be fair, though, he did ask you a question and he did answer.
Guest:He said all of your jokes.
Marc:But it wasn't enough for me.
Marc:And then I became the stalker guy.
Marc:I was pestering the guy that decided to post a negative comment about me.
Guest:Another thing that happened, this was kind of funny.
Guest:Kind of?
Guest:Or are we going to go full out?
Guest:This has already gone better than anyone could have imagined.
Guest:You hear that laughter all the way in the back.
Guest:I do.
Guest:No, at the same show where the woman said that, there's a joke I do where I mention a hypothetical guy throwing up in the front row, just talking about people thinking everything's set up.
Guest:And I told the joke, and then 10 minutes later, I look to my left, and this guy's like, hey, my mate's spitting up.
LAUGHTER
Guest:And there was a guy actually throwing up in the front row.
Guest:I was like, wow, that was a total hypothetical that I made up as an extreme example of what could happen.
Guest:And it's happening.
Guest:And it kind of saved my set, actually.
Guest:I was like, well, I'm glad that guy threw up.
Marc:You do more crowd work in your very specific way than some people.
Guest:When people are throwing up, I tend to do crowd work.
Guest:I go into the crowd.
Guest:You throw up, I will abandon the script.
Guest:Talking about how you're throwing up near me.
Guest:It brings out the crowd work out of me.
Marc:Has it ever completely backfired outside of the throwing up?
Marc:Like, one time I was doing a joke about a plane crash when I first started, and it was a horrible, insensitive joke, you know, that made fun.
Marc:Like, it was about a plane crash where people survived, and I did this tag where if you've lost loved ones, you can get them on baggage carousel.
Marc:You know, it was like, it was just...
Marc:I was younger, and I had something to prove, right?
Marc:Well, no, of course.
Marc:I was just starting out, and it was this huge crowd.
Marc:I was at a bowling alley in Rhode Island.
Guest:Huh.
Marc:Now I'm on your side.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:And some woman in the middle of it just screams, Stop talking about plane crashes!
Marc:It was horrible, because I knew that I'd hit the one person that lost someone in a plane crash.
Marc:Yeah, I mean, what are the odds, you know?
Marc:And it was an awkward moment, and I said, oh, well, I guess I'll just do the cancer chunk.
Guest:So I saved that one.
Guest:Did they know the showbiz term chunk?
Guest:I wouldn't think the comedy bowling alley aficionados would necessarily do it.
Guest:Well, I don't think it confused them.
Guest:That must be a group of jokes about cancer.
Marc:I think they got the gist.
Marc:I'm not sure I even said chunk.
Marc:I don't know if I had that word in my vocabulary.
Marc:Chunk?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I bet you knew the word chunk.
Guest:Come on.
Guest:Everyone knows the word chunk.
Guest:But that usage... Maybe not in that.
Guest:Yeah, the word chunk.
Guest:Well, I wasn't going to go back and fact check it, so...
Guest:What did you get paid for the bowling alley gig?
Guest:Who the fuck knows?
Marc:All I remember is, like, there's one of those gigs that used to do, you know, for Barry Katz, and it was, like, a one-nighter, and it was packed, as always packed, the first weekend.
Marc:But I do remember that it got real loud outside in the alley.
Marc:Like, this was in the lounge of the bowling alley, and they had bowling to the oldies.
Marc:So that's what I was competing with.
Marc:It's like Wooly Bully was blasting into the comedy club.
Marc:I was doing horrendous jokes about plane crashes.
Guest:Did you ever do that room, The Charlie Horse?
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:Oh, that was, yeah.
Guest:It was all wooden.
Guest:It was an L-shaped sports bar.
Guest:Have you done it, Janine?
Marc:Where was that?
Marc:It was outside of Boston?
Guest:It was outside of Boston in, I want to say like, what's, oh.
What?
Guest:Thank you.
Guest:I'd like to say like Worcester, near Worcester?
Guest:Yeah, and you performed in a boxing ring with like a boxing style mic.
Guest:Yeah, yeah.
Guest:Right, yeah, yeah.
Guest:But it was an L-shaped room.
Guest:It was an L-shaped room and there was a full-on game room on one part of the L that there was no divider, no wall or anything.
Guest:So you'd be like, guy's playing air hockey.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Air hockey.
Guest:And you'd be fucking, you know, bombing.
Guest:And people would go, what happened up there?
Guest:I was performing in a sports bar where no one was listening and playing air hockey in a boxing ring.
Marc:That's what happened.
Marc:There were so many of them.
Marc:Did you ever do that Johnny Yee's?
Marc:Johnny Yee's down on the Cape?
Marc:You had to follow a large Hawaiian floor show.
Marc:Like, they...
Marc:Like, they'd have the comedy night, but right before it, the guy who booked the comedy or ran the floor, he was this, like, 400-pound dude that did this hula show with his wife at this Chinese restaurant in Cape Cod.
Marc:And then he'd have to do the comedy show.
Marc:They had this huge...
Guest:stage it would come out over the dance floor so they could do their like you know their luau thing and then they'd push it back in for the comedy to come up oh that was great there was one in uh there was a comedy club in Connecticut I forgot the name of it but this guy wanted a really long show so he had he had an improv group for a half hour an MC for a half hour and
Guest:He basically doubled everything that you're supposed to.
Guest:Every segment of the show, he just doubled it.
Guest:The middle act was 40 minutes, and then the headliner was 55 minutes.
Guest:So if you went on anywhere after the MCM, people were just passed out.
Guest:It was like, why are you making me watch a show this fall?
Guest:What the fuck?
Guest:And you'd walk in, and he'd be like, I've got two questions for you.
Guest:How much time are you doing?
Guest:How much are you getting paid?
Guest:That's all he gave his shit about.
Marc:Oh, those are good times.
Marc:We're beyond that now, right?
Marc:Are we?
Marc:I don't know.
Marc:What's going on with you?
Marc:I've done a couple of those recently, but none of the ones where you walk in and it's not clear where you're performing and you're just hoping it's not where you think it is.
Marc:You walk into this place that you've booked and you're like, it can't be in here.
Marc:There's nowhere to do it.
Marc:And they're like, oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Marc:We got a guitar amp that we just plug into and then we'll just move this light here.
Guest:My red flag for shitty gigs used to be the cordless mic.
Guest:It'd be like a bar and you'd be performing on the floor under a pool table.
Guest:Hey, we got a cordless mic.
Guest:You think that just makes a show?
Guest:It's never really been the cord has never been a problem.
Guest:It's never been, wow, I bombed because of that cord that enabled people to hear what I had to say.
Guest:Let's use Madonna's sound system for your fucking catfish restaurant.
Guest:And I have performed at a catfish restaurant.
Guest:You have performed at a catfish restaurant.
Guest:I didn't just make that up as a genius.
Marc:And every time there's a cordless, they don't have a tech that knows how to fucking work it, so it never sounds right.
Marc:It always feeds back.
Marc:You can't get it into the mic stands.
Marc:I hate them to this day, even if they're in a good place.
Marc:Fuck cordless mics.
Guest:I just worked a club in the city.
Guest:I shouldn't even tell this, but...
Guest:There's another club in the city where they have the cordless mic, and I heard something.
Guest:This was a couple of weeks ago.
Guest:And I heard sound coming out of the speakers, and I'm like, what is that?
Guest:He goes like, oh, that's the police radio.
Guest:Oh, okay, I'm sorry.
Guest:Oh, you mean the thing I hear at every show I've done, the police radio coming through?
Guest:I thought maybe you'd be surprised that I was pointing out someone else's voice coming out of the same speakers.
Guest:Oh, that's the police radio.
Guest:Oh, yeah, of course, the police radio.
Guest:I forgot I am a cop, and my job doesn't end when I hit the stage.
Guest:Todd Berry, ladies and gentlemen.
Marc:Wow.
Marc:This guy's hilarious.
Marc:I've known him for years.
Marc:You know him, too.
Marc:He's one of the smartest, funniest, most unpredictable comics working right now.
Marc:Please welcome Greg Giraldo to the stage.
Guest:Hi, Greg.
Guest:Hey, Mark.
Guest:How you doing?
Guest:Good.
Guest:You fucked Morgan, too?
No.
Guest:No, because... No, because really, if I had known, I would have fucking never gone there.
Guest:I thought I smelled gay history professor on you.
Guest:Morgan.
Guest:Which one was the gay history professor?
Guest:I got that one.
Guest:I would deny fucking you, but I feel like it would up my reputation.
Guest:I don't know what that means, but I agree.
Guest:It's a compliment.
Guest:Oh, no, thank you.
Guest:I would totally fuck you, though.
Guest:Oh, my God, thank you.
Yeah, no.
Guest:I don't mean to be so sugary sweet about the whole thing.
Guest:Morgan, may I fuck you as well?
Guest:I know for a fact from a show we did in Easton, Pennsylvania, that according to you, fucking me would be like fucking a little boy.
Guest:Two, I believe, this was a compliment.
Guest:You once told me that I am whatever rape isn't.
Guest:Which I personally...
Guest:It is a compliment, it is a compliment.
Guest:Well, just not, well, a recipient maybe.
Guest:I'm saying I wouldn't be so absolute about it.
Guest:Yes.
Guest:You all right?
Guest:I'm all right.
Guest:Mark, how are you doing?
Guest:I'm good, man.
Guest:This is weird.
Guest:It's very funny back there.
Guest:This has been fun.
Guest:You guys are all very... You're a talented young comedian.
Guest:Boy, oh boy.
Marc:Wasn't somebody who said that about you?
Marc:Like, you're still up and coming?
Guest:Yeah, he's been an up and coming comedian for the last 20 years.
Guest:He's been a young comedian.
Guest:It does go by fast, though, huh?
Guest:Holy shit.
Yeah.
Guest:So have you slept?
Guest:Yeah, a little bit.
Guest:I haven't slept that much because I was on the West Coast and I come back and now I have my kids two days during the week, which took a lot of legal wrangling for a fucking nightmare.
Guest:But I have them during the week, so it's all coming together.
Guest:So tell me about this.
Guest:Can I tell the people?
Guest:You're going to judge Last Comic Standing?
Guest:I can't.
Guest:I signed a confidentiality bill.
Guest:Can you tell them?
Guest:I don't want to touch on anything that sensitive, Mark.
Guest:I'm kind of...
Guest:Can you tell the people?
Guest:How the fuck are you going to do this?
Guest:Did you like that show?
Guest:I did it already.
Guest:No, I never watched the show, but I don't give a fuck.
Guest:At this point, it doesn't fucking matter.
Guest:What, are we really going to be purists?
Guest:No, no.
Guest:This is your stab at it.
Guest:None of us is going anywhere, so fuck.
Guest:Oh, last comment.
Guest:Last comic standing.
Guest:Why not?
Guest:That's his spirit.
Guest:Good for you.
Guest:I would have judged last comic skipping.
Guest:I would have said, oh, this guy's pretty quick.
Guest:I don't care.
Guest:Have you pitched that?
Guest:I might.
Guest:I might.
Guest:This is how fucked up the business is.
Guest:I didn't even tell you this whole story.
Guest:I'm doing a pilot for Spike.
Guest:Things are going very well for me.
Guest:So I was pitching this pilot, and it had no name attached to it.
Guest:Then somebody said, what the fuck?
Guest:Because you're asking these questions.
Guest:What the fuck?
Guest:And I said, actually, my friend has a podcast that's called that, so I don't want to do it.
Guest:They go, that's a fucking podcast.
Guest:I go, I know, but he's my friend.
Guest:I don't want to do it.
Guest:And they keep just, it's like they don't even care.
Guest:They go, yeah, but what the fuck?
Guest:We want to call it that.
Guest:It's just a podcast.
Guest:But he's my friend.
Guest:Yeah, but what does it matter?
Guest:This is Hollywood.
Guest:It's television.
Guest:We'll call it what the fuck.
Guest:We'll call it what the fuck with Mark Maron.
Guest:So you shot what the fuck?
Guest:Yeah.
Yeah.
Guest:So what the fuck, Greg Giraldo?
Guest:What the fuck, Greg Giraldo?
Guest:You can watch after the Ultimate Fighting Championships on Spike.
Guest:With comedians.
Guest:And they actually have been complaining that they wanted to smarten up the show.
Guest:Like we were pitching something and they said, well, can you go for a smarter angle?
Guest:And I go, smarter than Mancers?
Guest:They have...
Guest:They have a fucking show where they ask the question whether you can die from taking too big a shit.
Guest:They literally did a half-hour show on that.
Guest:And these same people are going, well, I mean, you are raising some interesting questions, but if you're smart, just don't go for the...
Guest:Can you?
Guest:It turns out they didn't really... Inconclusive.
Guest:I feel like a woman could answer that question.
Guest:What?
Guest:The shit question.
Guest:Yeah, fucking broads, right?
Guest:Up high, fellas.
Marc:I thought I'd get a big laugh on that.
Marc:I'm going to put the mic away.
Guest:How...
Marc:How aggressive were you able to be at the last comic standing?
Guest:Not aggressive at all, because I was very self-conscious to be doing it in the first place, and so we didn't trash anybody, except for... And I was nice.
Guest:We were all of us, actually.
Guest:Kindler's the other judge who obviously... That is hilarious.
Marc:Andy Kindler judging that, that's like him going to hell.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:But we tried to be as sincere and good about it.
Guest:I mean, I...
Marc:Like you're helping the young guns or what?
Guest:No, just telling the fucking... Not because I'm trying to help, but just because I was trying to live with it as much as I could.
Marc:Here's your future right here.
Marc:Have you thought about teaching one of these classes?
Guest:You know what?
Guest:We were just talking about it backstage.
Guest:I would consider it.
Guest:Yeah, why not?
Guest:I'll do fucking anything at this point.
Guest:It's really... What is the answer anymore?
Guest:Oh, Jesus.
Guest:No, I'm not even... I don't even mean... I'm post-cynical, man.
Marc:You're post-cynical?
Marc:I think that... Someone remember that.
Marc:That's the new paradigm, post-cynical.
Marc:Yeah, it's like, I'm so cynical, it's not cynical anymore.
Marc:I fucking like that.
Marc:Post-cynical.
Marc:I'm gonna call my new show that.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Post-cynical with Marc Maron.
Marc:That'll sell.
Marc:And by the way, Drew Carey's doing WTF now on TV.
Marc:But it stands for, wow, that's funny.
Marc:So, I don't think we're gonna have any legal battles.
No.
Marc:So wait, so these people are on stage, the comics, and you weren't able to go like, oh, that's fucking ridiculous, you should stop?
Guest:No, it was kind of rough, because there were times you wanted to do that, and I'm sure I'm going to look like a douchebag, you know, like, you know, you were good, you're trying, it's good to hear you talk about yourself out there, you know.
Guest:I should have been more of a dick.
Guest:But the reality is, you know, the hardest part was not the people that sucked.
Guest:The hardest part were the people that you've known for years that have been earning a living at comedy that do well, you know, in the sense of making people laugh.
Guest:But people don't realize that making an audience laugh is not an indicator of funniness, necessarily, which is weird.
Guest:Applauding, on the other hand.
Guest:I say that every time I bomb.
Guest:I say that exact thing.
Guest:You know...
Guest:When they're not paying me at a club, I got that, you know.
Guest:Thank you, case in point.
Guest:But... No, but it's true.
Guest:Todd's one of the funniest people on Earth, and he bombs almost constantly.
Yeah, I know.
Guest:But... So...
Guest:but like so there are plenty of those guys that suck that have been at it for a long time they suck we all know they're not funny but they kill you know and they're coming into the room and then you got to sit there like oh man suck it up that that was hard you know because most of those guys we we told them they couldn't pass you know and then they're in a lobby with some brand new open micro comic that we did pass because they had some funny you know and it's just got a little bitter and hostile but for the most part everybody was everybody was all right about
Marc:I've never watched a show.
Marc:I have a hard time with contests in general.
Marc:And it's primarily for that reason.
Marc:Just because, number one, I don't like losing.
Marc:And number two, that, like, you see these people, there's a sadness factor to it that these people have been working for 20 fucking years and now this is their big shot.
Guest:That's the saddest ones.
Guest:The guys, the open call ones, because they have days when everyone lines up and there's people that wait there for five days and they're fucking delusional lunatics.
Guest:You know, like, literally, there was a guy that brought his own port-a-potty.
Guest:The guy online had his own toilet?
Guest:He goes, I poop on that.
Guest:Yeah, he brought his own toilet to stay out of it.
Guest:How many contests is that guy entering where that pays for itself at some point?
Guest:Yeah, it's not just... It's like owning your own pool cue, you know?
Guest:It's just a...
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I think probably even just one five-day stint outside would, you know, make sense to have your own shitter.
Marc:How's other things, man?
Guest:That's it.
Guest:Oh, there is his last comic standing for me.
Marc:Yeah?
Guest:Yeah, there's nothing else.
Marc:Like, honestly, when we were in L.A.
Marc:last, I got these weird texts from you.
Marc:Oh, yeah.
Marc:I don't have them up here, but it was almost peculiar.
Marc:You write very fragmented, interesting texts, like, I can't believe you just called.
Guest:I just saw your name on a wall.
Yeah.
Marc:And then all I can say is I call you, are you okay?
Guest:Well, I always have to say something as dramatic as I saw your name on a wall in order to get you to be interested.
Guest:Oh, come on.
Guest:No, I'm kidding.
Guest:Just because comedians, we don't really care about anything unless it involves us and our name somewhere.
Marc:I care very much about Morgan and her feelings.
Marc:No, I'm kidding.
Guest:You've been an enormous support to me in all my... What?
Guest:I do.
Marc:Was that a groan or was that like, aww?
Guest:That was very funny and really cool.
Marc:That was good TV.
Guest:That was great TV, yeah.
Guest:It was good TV.
Marc:I hope it translates to the ears.
Guest:I like Janine egging it on.
Guest:Just because she's going to, you know, we're going to be working together on the road a couple times.
Guest:That'll be like she wants a little drama on the road to shake it up a little bit.
Guest:There's so little left.
Marc:Now it's going to be a week like, what happens?
Marc:Yeah, so?
Guest:You really were teetering there.
Marc:How's your love life?
Guest:Oh, it's great.
Guest:Good.
Guest:It's actually pretty cool.
Guest:You know, the divorce thing.
Marc:Yeah, I know.
Guest:It's close to being final now, which is good.
Guest:But she hates me again.
Guest:She was going.
Guest:Everything was good for a while.
Guest:Now she hates me again.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:Apparently just giving her everything isn't enough anymore.
Guest:I'm not even fucking kidding.
Guest:I swear to God.
Guest:We went to this mediation.
Guest:I'm giving her everything.
Guest:There's like, you know, everything.
Guest:Everything.
Guest:I'm saying, just keep the house, which is worth a lot of money.
Guest:I did well for a few years.
Guest:Take the whole fucking house, and plus I'm paying all that.
Guest:I mean, I'm saying whatever you want, because of how guilty and shitty I feel about it.
Guest:And she's still like, you know, just been, I don't know.
Guest:They think that the process, the legal process, is there to torture you for having been born male and flawed.
Marc:No, it is.
Marc:It's set up.
Marc:I don't know if we need to get going on this.
Marc:But it's...
Marc:It's set up the way it works because of the legal process and because of how women are able to, and you have kids too, which is good.
Marc:You want the kids to be happy.
Marc:But they can literally, if they're persistent, they can make you homeless.
Guest:They... She did make me homeless.
Guest:For two years.
Guest:I was homeless for two years, just about.
Guest:But, you know, in fairness.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:You had a home.
Guest:No.
Guest:No, I didn't... No, I was sleeping on my fucking friend's... I literally slept on my friend's couch.
Guest:I had more TV credits than any homeless guy in New York.
Guest:I literally was fucking flopping around homeless.
Guest:Are you sure?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Well... I guess Al Lubell, technically.
Marc:Oh, no.
Guest:Nobody knows...
Marc:I gotta get him on the show.
Marc:See if he's out front.
Guest:No, you know what it is?
Guest:It's not a male-female thing as much as it is if there's one primary... Because there are women that get fucked way worse.
Guest:That's even worse.
Guest:If you're the woman, you're making all the money, your fucking deadbeat husband's not doing shit.
Guest:He cheats on you, and then you still divide up assets like that.
Guest:And now you have to work, you have the kids, you gotta pay this loser.
Guest:God, I wish that was my situation.
Guest:It's not gender-specific, but it just tends to work that way.
Guest:It tends to work out that the husband leaves...
Guest:And then she has to, the whole term is the life that she's accustomed to, keep her in the life that she's accustomed to, which, like, what about the life I'm accustomed to?
Guest:Nobody seems to give a fuck about that.
Guest:Well, they figure you'll bounce back.
Guest:Yeah, well, I guess.
Guest:I'm gonna move into a crack house if I ever get married again.
Guest:I'm moving into a crack house.
Guest:So if we get divorced, it's like, enjoy the life that you're accustomed to.
Guest:I'm now going to buy a home like the fucking adult that's been earning all the money in the family for the last 18 years.
Guest:But anyway, it's all good.
Guest:All right, all right.
Marc:Well, you know, Greg, it's been great seeing you.
Marc:Thank you, Mark.
Marc:I love you.
Marc:Greg Geraldo.
Guest:Thank you very much.
Guest:Todd Berry.
Guest:Morgan Murphy.
Guest:Janine Garofalo.
Guest:John Mulaney.
Guest:We got a little more show, but you guys can cut loose.
Guest:Awesome.
Guest:Thank you.
Marc:Oh, I'm in so much trouble.
Marc:I've just complicated my life even more.
Marc:I really want to bring out this next guy.
Marc:You know, I interviewed Al Madrigal up in Portland, and there's comics that don't do comedy like people do anymore.
Marc:There's comics that tell stories, and they're rare, the ones that actually work in that format, and I love to listen to comics do that.
Marc:I love Al Madrigal, and I love this guy, so I thought I'd bring him out because there's a couple of specific stories that I want to hear.
Marc:Is that all right?
Yeah.
Marc:Please welcome to the stage, Tom Shalhoub.
Marc:This is Tom.
Marc:Tom and I go way back, but I met him probably when I first started when I was back in Boston in 1988 or 89, and then I lost touch with him for 20 years.
Marc:And now you're here.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:And it's wonderful to see you.
Guest:I had just started then, and I wasn't really getting up on stage.
Guest:But I used to come and watch you at Catch a Rising Star.
Marc:Right, and I was mean to you, and it was weird.
Marc:Well, maybe a little.
Marc:And you were dating Betsy Salkind, I think.
Marc:That happened a little, too.
Marc:Yeah, and I think I wanted to go out with her.
Guest:But I think you did go out with her.
Marc:Easy.
Guest:No, but I think that was part of the story, right?
Guest:I mean, she used to say, I used to date him.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:When you'd come on stage, and I'd be sitting there with her, and she'd say, I used to date him.
Marc:I'm sorry, Tom.
Marc:I...
Marc:But she's doing okay, right?
Marc:She's fine.
Marc:Yeah, she's great.
Marc:Okay, thank God.
Marc:Well, there's a thing that you talk about that I can never get out of my fucking mind because I think it's the most perfect way to illustrate something.
Marc:I don't know how old you are, but have you been to your high school reunion?
Marc:Did you go?
Marc:No.
Guest:People don't go.
Guest:You should go.
Guest:They're fun.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:No, no.
Marc:So what happened to yours?
Guest:Well, I had the 25 reunion in Norwood, Massachusetts.
Guest:Anybody?
Guest:Massachusetts?
Guest:Yeah, that's good.
Guest:But I went, and there's a lot of people that I don't keep in touch with, but that I spend a lot of time with.
Guest:But I went to my reunion, and I was a little bit nervous because I wanted to be, you know, whatever.
Guest:Successful?
Guest:Successful, yes.
Guest:But I got there, and first of all, my friend, John Dacons, was standing outside the reunion, and he's smoking a cigarette.
Guest:And he was like, hey, Shalhoub, what the fuck are you doing?
Guest:He said, what the fuck?
Guest:Hey, it matches.
Guest:It's good.
Guest:Worked in.
Guest:Branding.
Guest:But he said, what the fuck?
Guest:What the fuck are you doing here?
Guest:And I said, oh, who's here?
Guest:Is Quinny here?
Guest:Our mutual friend, Jim Quinn.
Guest:And he actually said, Quinny's not here, man.
Guest:He's flying jets for the Air Force.
Guest:He's down in Pensacola, Florida.
Guest:He's probably shooting Japs out of the sky right now.
Guest:That's, I didn't spice that quote up.
Guest:That's a quote.
Guest:He said, he's probably shooting Japs out of the sky right now.
Guest:But the Japs, it's like, to me, it's just lazy racism.
Guest:Like, I don't mind racists.
Guest:I'm not like Janine.
Guest:I know racists.
Guest:Some of them are good people.
Guest:But lazy racism.
Guest:Like, he's borrowing intolerance from his grandfather.
Guest:But I think the thing that was most offensive was the right now.
Guest:That, to me, for some reason, I don't know why that got me.
Guest:Probably seeing Japs out of the sky.
Guest:Right now.
Guest:It's like, have respect.
Guest:If there's some weird world in your, like, that you think the Japs are still at war with us, respect the Japs.
Guest:They're not going to attack Central Florida the day before Thanksgiving.
Guest:At, like, 8.30.
Guest:But they... The reunion was good, and I loved going there.
Guest:But the girls...
Guest:There's this thing about women aging that they worry a lot about aging, but they age quite well.
Guest:The women looked great.
Guest:The women had heels, and it's kind of a big night out, and they have the hair, and they look fabulous.
Guest:But the one group that doesn't look...
Guest:is the guys who, not all the guys, but the guys who were like the big men on campus, the guys who were the most successful dudes in high school, like they have the same face.
Guest:You can see them.
Guest:But it's the face, like all the facial features are crushed to the bottom of their head.
Guest:So it's like that little face is down the bottom, and there's all this big fleshiness up here.
Guest:It's like this big, fleshy head.
Guest:And they have the little head, and they're still trying to kind of pull.
Guest:They're like, hey, Shalou, how you doing?
Guest:Hey, I like that.
Guest:Hey, you still got that whole nerd thing going on.
Guest:Like, you know, they're still being like the big men on campus, but they have the little face, and it's yelling.
Guest:They're like, help me!
I want to go back!
Guest:But there's still the bravado.
Guest:Like, hey, Shalhoub, how you doing?
Guest:Oh, I live in New York.
Guest:Hey, whatever, whatever.
Guest:You know, help.
Guest:But it was good.
Guest:It was good.
Guest:Those guys, they're all fine people.
Guest:But the... I wanted to... I had a... It sounds weird to say it.
Guest:Because I'm married, so I wasn't trying to pick up chicks or anything.
Guest:Or, you know, old flames or anything like that.
Guest:But I kind of wanted to...
Guest:see who was gay?
Guest:I mean, no.
Guest:It does sound weird.
Guest:No, like, because I think younger people don't understand, there was no gays in the 80s.
Guest:I mean, again, no.
Guest:Of course there was.
Guest:There was.
Guest:I'm sure there was.
Guest:I'm sure.
Guest:I've heard.
Guest:But in high school, there was no, like, there was no high school gays.
Guest:There's gays in high school now.
Marc:Yeah, you just thought people were gay, is what you're saying.
Marc:There were no out gays at your school.
Marc:Yes, exactly.
Guest:There was just, like, four or five extremely sad students in every school.
Guest:So I thought, like, the people were called gay, though.
Guest:There was guys who were like, you're gay, you're gay.
Guest:They called people gay.
Guest:There was one guy, Richard Walsh.
Guest:He wore blazers.
Guest:And they were like, you're gay.
Guest:They called him gay.
Guest:And I wonder if Richard Walsh turned out gay or was gay because they called him gay.
Guest:And I just, so I was looking around for the gay, the people who were called gay.
Guest:And I saw this...
Guest:I saw this guy, Mark DeFozzi, who sang in Glee Club with me, and... And I went up to him, and I was just thinking that.
Guest:It was in the back of my head.
Guest:It wasn't like a goal.
Guest:Like, who's gay?
Guest:Who's gay?
Guest:I gotta find it.
Guest:No, I was just... I was just thinking in my head.
Marc:That could easily be misunderstood.
Guest:Yes, yes.
Guest:I wasn't walking around.
Guest:Anybody gay?
Guest:Anybody gay?
Um...
Guest:Tom's looking to get laid.
Marc:He needs some help.
Guest:But it was a little project in my head that I was thinking of.
Guest:So then I'm just chatting with Mark DeFozzi.
Guest:And I was like, and I said, oh, remember, you know, those guys in high school, like Richard Walsh.
Guest:Richard Walsh, you're gay.
Guest:Or like Mike Costello, gay, you're gay.
Guest:They kept calling him gay.
Guest:And I was like, do you think those guys turned out gay?
Guest:What do you think, Mark?
Guest:You know?
Guest:And, you know, this was after we had been talking.
Guest:But you know how you don't listen to people when they talk to you?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I don't know if everyone's like that, but I think we are like that.
Guest:What?
Guest:But he had been... When it was his turn to talk, he was saying that he owned a coffee bar in Jamaica Plain, and he and his partner refurbished antiques, and I was like, oh, really?
Guest:That's great, that's great.
Guest:What do I...
Guest:And I wasn't hearing the words, you know?
Marc:You weren't hearing the word partner?
Guest:No, I didn't hear... He said partner, and I thought, oh, a business partner.
Marc:You know, whatever.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Because Mark DeFozzi was, like, a big Italian guy with, like, the vest.
Guest:You know, he had, like... Yeah, they're never gay.
Marc:I know.
Marc:Those guys.
Guest:I know, but he was in Glee Club.
Guest:You know, he sang baritone.
Guest:You know, whatever.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:So I said to him, remember those guys?
Guest:They called him gay.
Guest:Richard Walsh.
Guest:Oh, he was gay.
Guest:Do you think those guys turned out gay?
Guest:What do you think?
Guest:And I'm like, do you think those guys turned out gay?
Okay.
Guest:And he had his, like, Cosmopolitan.
Guest:He was like, Tom, I think that there were other people in our school who had the qualities of a gay man.
Guest:And some people might have thought that they turned out gay.
Guest:What do you think of that, Tom?
Guest:And then he walked away.
Guest:And I was like... And then I remembered, oh, coffee bar, partner.
Guest:And I was like... I was kind of rehearing the conversation.
Guest:But the thing was, as he walked away, the way he said... I was thinking of the way he said it.
Guest:Like, the way he looked at me with the Cosmo.
Guest:And...
Guest:He was like, looking at my eye, he was like, you know, there were other people who had the qualities of a gay man.
Guest:Some people might have thought that they might have turned out gay.
Guest:Do you ever think of that, Tom?
Guest:And he walked away.
Guest:He wasn't talking about himself.
Guest:He was talking about me.
Guest:And I was like, I was so straight in high school.
Guest:Super straight.
Guest:I sang in the Barbershop Quartet.
Marc:That is a very straight... Yeah, in an alternate universe, that's a very straight... It was a musical theater.
Guest:Barbershop, like, four guys.
Guest:Yeah, in the 1900s, that might have been masculine.
Guest:You just think about women the whole time.
Guest:It's like singing down by the river.
Marc:It's very straight.
Guest:It's very straight.
Guest:So I was just surprised.
Guest:I wore eyeliner to the prom, but that was very... Human League was very big then.
Guest:People don't understand.
Marc:So did you go back and say, I'm not gay?
Guest:No, no.
Guest:I just let him think that I had the qualities of a gay man.
Guest:Perhaps that's not... Well, can I be honest?
Marc:You do, a little.
Marc:A little bit.
Guest:Well, maybe the rules are changing.
Marc:There's no way to judge.
Marc:Now, this is all part of your one-man show.
Marc:What's that called?
Guest:Supernormal.
Marc:Okay.
Marc:And are you running that at all?
Guest:Is that good?
Guest:Is that a good name?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Yeah, running it down at the green room, and so hopefully we'll have a run of that.
Guest:What do you think of that?
Guest:Is that a good idea?
Marc:It's fucking great, and you're very funny.
Marc:Tom Shulu, ladies and gentlemen.
Marc:Thank you.
Yeah, great.
Thank you.
Marc:Let's get John Montagna out here.
Marc:Awesome.
Marc:Get back on that base, you guys.
Marc:I want to thank you so much for coming out tonight.
Marc:You really made my night.
Guest:I'm glad you liked the show.
Guest:You guys are the best fans in the world, and I'm totally grateful.
Marc:Go to WTFPod.com if you want any related material.
Marc:PunchWineMagazine.com.
Guest:And you guys fucking rule.
Guest:Good night.
you