BONUS WTF Rarities - A Night of Many Jews from 2010
Guest:Hey, folks, it's time for our third installment of WTF Rarities.
Guest:These are shows that were never put in the free feed of WTF.
Guest:And in fact, for many years, they have not been available anywhere.
Guest:These were premium episodes that we did back in the early days of doing WTF live episodes that we then sold on our website.
Guest:And now we're putting them into the WTF Plus full Marin feed for you to hear.
Guest:And this one comes from almost 14 years ago.
Guest:It was July 21st, 2010.
Guest:We taped another episode at Comics Comedy Club in New York City.
Guest:And this one, Mark titled A Night of Many Jews with Suzy Essman, Jeff Garlin, Gary Goldman and Joe Mandy.
Guest:And I want to point out, as I always do with these rarities episodes, they are uncut.
Guest:We're not removing anything.
Guest:We're not changing anything.
Guest:We're not altering how these were presented when they were first aired.
Guest:But that means there's some insensitive language in here or maybe some things that people probably wouldn't say today, wouldn't believe today.
Guest:People can grow and change in 14 years.
Guest:I know that for sure.
Guest:So this is just a snapshot in time.
Guest:And I do think for posterity, it's good to include the entire show.
Guest:And so without further ado, here is that episode, a night of many Jews from Comics Comedy Club in New York City, July 21st, 2010.
Guest:Are we doing this?
Guest:Really?
Guest:Wait for it.
Guest:Are we doing this?
Guest:Wait for it.
Marc:Pow!
Marc:What the fuck?
Marc:And it's also, eh, what the fuck?
Marc:What's wrong with me?
Marc:It's time for WTF?
Guest:What the fuck?
Guest:With Mark Matthews.
Guest:Alright, are we doing this?
Guest:How about it, what the fuckers?
Guest:Live at Comics in New York City.
Guest:How you doing, what the fuckers?
Guest:What the fuck buddies?
Guest:What the fucking ears?
Guest:What the fuck nicks?
Guest:What the fucking nots?
Marc:Thank you for coming out.
Marc:It's nice to see you.
Marc:It's going to be a fun show.
Marc:We are here at Comics in New York.
Marc:I do have fresh blueberries, if anybody wants any.
Marc:A fan brought me a bucket of fresh blueberries.
Marc:I was backstage eating them compulsively when I realized, do I want...
Marc:diarrhea by the second show?
Marc:Is that what I'm aiming for?
Marc:The weird, awkward moment where I have to leave the stage and go to the bathroom?
Marc:So I brought him out here for the rest of the comics.
Marc:We have a great show tonight.
Marc:Joe Mandy is here.
Marc:Gary Goldman is here.
Marc:Jeff Garland is here.
Marc:Susie Essman is here.
Marc:This is an...
Marc:An all-Jew review.
Marc:We have Jews of all shapes, sizes, and ages.
Marc:And genders tonight.
Marc:Full-on Jew parade.
Marc:I'm very happy to be back in New York City.
Marc:I've been here a few days.
Marc:And I'm odd because I like the heat and humidity.
Marc:I think it's sexy.
Marc:I like when people look exhausted.
Marc:Everyone on the train looks like they've just been fucked and they're going home.
Marc:And for some reason, I find that hot.
Marc:I like when I can look at a woman in a lascivious, sexual way, and she doesn't even have the energy to give me the stink eye about it.
Marc:It's more like, really, this?
Marc:All right, knock yourself out.
Marc:What else do I have to tell you?
Marc:I have a couple emails here.
Marc:I have another issue I'm trying to overcome.
Marc:I don't know if any of you can relate to it, but I really don't know when I'm going to look at my friend's success as anything other than a tax on me.
Marc:I don't know why Louis C.K.
Marc:had to call his show, Fuck You, Marc Maron.
Marc:I don't know.
Marc:Why, that's what I see on my television when his show starts.
Marc:We were friends.
Marc:I believe we still are friends.
Marc:But he didn't have to name his show that.
Marc:You know, I don't know about friends.
Marc:I don't know how long you know somebody.
Marc:I guess a good friend is somebody that even if you don't see them for a long time, when you do see them, it's like nothing's changed.
Marc:The resentment is still there.
Marc:You still want to fuck their wife or girlfriend.
Marc:It just never goes away.
Marc:But with Louis, I just don't know sometimes.
Marc:And we were good friends.
Marc:I mean, this is the kind of friend Louis was to me.
Marc:Years ago, when I lived here in New York, I had a pretty average day for me at that time.
Marc:I woke up.
Marc:I drank about two pots of coffee.
Marc:I smoked about a pack of cigarettes.
Marc:I masturbated twice.
Marc:And I ate an entire pie.
Marc:And I didn't feel good about myself.
Marc:And Louie and I were pretty tight at the time.
Marc:So I called Louie up and I said, Lou, it's Mark.
Marc:Listen, I'm in trouble.
Marc:I've just drank two pots of coffee.
Marc:I smoked a pack of cigarettes.
Marc:I've jerked off twice.
Marc:I've eaten an entire pie.
Marc:And it's not even noon.
Marc:And Louie just takes a beat and he says, what kind of pie?
Marc:That is a good friend.
Marc:Disarmed the panic.
Marc:Made me feel better.
Marc:I don't know.
Marc:I'm trying to explore.
Marc:I did an interview with Patrice O'Neill.
Marc:I don't know if you know Patrice O'Neill, but I talked to him for two hours, and it's the closest I've come, I think, to talking to Satan in a long time.
Marc:And it really fucked with my head because he made me believe that I was too heady, too intellectual, that I wasn't living enough in my pants.
Marc:i'm sort of paraphrasing it but he said you know you got to get out of your head and i started to think like am i that heady do you think i'm that heady you guys do you do you think i spend a lot of time in my head seriously yes so that's yes that's why you're laughing and then i'm trying to experiment and make notes on on whether or not i do spend time in my head i and like i i have this why are you laughing at that
Marc:And then I thought, here's what happened with the experiment.
Marc:And I do spend too much time.
Marc:I was on the train last night, and a woman gets on the train with a box.
Marc:And it's an ice cream maker.
Marc:And it was right in front of me.
Marc:So I just had this moment.
Marc:I'm like, really?
Marc:You're going to get an ice cream maker?
Marc:That's yours?
Marc:You're bringing that home?
Marc:If I had an ice cream maker, what would I do with it?
Marc:Would I make good ice cream?
Marc:Haagen-Dazs puts eggs in their ice cream.
Marc:Why do they put eggs in it?
Marc:Could I make as good an ice cream as Haagen-Dazs?
Marc:What flavors would I make if I had an ice cream maker?
Marc:And wouldn't an ice cream maker be sort of like living with a drug dealer for me?
Marc:Like, I mean, how would I not fucking eat ice cream all the time?
Marc:And it just went on and on.
Marc:And I completely deconstructed my desire to have an ice cream maker.
Marc:But by the end, I had to stop myself from shouting, I guess you can handle it, lady.
Marc:And this happened in like three minutes on a fucking train, man.
Marc:Is that what I do?
Marc:Where did that come from?
Marc:Well, let's read a couple emails, and we've got a big show, and I don't want to deny any Jews their time.
Marc:This is one of those emails that I know some of you know I like, which means that it hurts me a little bit and then kind of makes me feel good at the end.
Marc:A fan in Memphis, Tennessee.
Marc:Hey, Mark, when I find something I like, such as your comedy and podcast, I tend to evangelize.
Marc:Evangelize it.
Marc:Evangelize it.
Marc:Meaning I spread the word about the stuff I like.
Marc:I was hanging out downtown in front of BB King's Blues Club about a week ago and there was the most lame, not even a comedian on stage and the people in the club were getting anxious to leave.
Marc:I noticed this because the entire front of the joint is a window and they have loudspeakers so people walking by can see and hear what's going on on stage.
Marc:I'm standing out in front cringing at the lame jokes and start to walk away.
Marc:Another guy next to me says, what the fuck?
Marc:Mark Maron is funnier than this guy.
Marc:Wait.
Marc:Thinking I finally found another DFWTF podcast fan, I casually walk over and ask, did you know that Marc Maron has his own podcast?
Marc:He looks at me like he's going to kick my ass, and his reply was, hell no, Maron sucks.
Marc:But, I mean, I must really suck to that guy.
Marc:Because I'm not that well-known, and he doesn't like me, and he's standing in front of a comedy club in Memphis saying, Mark Maron is funnier than that guy, and that's an insult that he thought someone would fucking understand?
Marc:Like, he doesn't just hate me, he obsessively hates me.
Marc:I'm glad I connect with people.
Marc:So...
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And these look good.
Marc:Right.
Marc:They came in from a farm or something.
Marc:Not to mention, you just couldn't fucking wait, could you?
Marc:Like, you know, you're like stage.
Marc:I'm sitting and I'm not on it.
Guest:No.
Guest:It's blueberries that are fresh.
Marc:All right.
Marc:Can I finish my thing, Jew?
Marc:I was enjoying it.
Marc:Oh, okay.
Marc:Well, thanks for interrupting it.
Marc:Jeff Garland.
Marc:Jeff Garland.
Marc:I always say Garland because I don't know why, but it's Garland.
Marc:And a lot of people think we have a contentious, awkward relationship.
Marc:Jeff seems to think it's just a bit.
Guest:Because I don't know, did you hear the last one he was on?
Marc:He's backstage saying, you know, people come up to me and they say, you know, you're arrogant.
Marc:You're really hard on me.
Marc:And I'm thinking like, you know, we're having a good time.
Marc:And I'm sitting there going, were we?
Marc:Were we having?
Marc:Because I was sort of invested in your arrogance.
Marc:And don't come out again.
Marc:Just in a minute.
Marc:So you know where we are with this email?
Marc:Before needy large Jew came out to eat?
Yeah.
Marc:some blueberries get a fucking donut back there so i sadly walk away back to my car ready to go home this is the guy that was defending my honor there i really start wondering if there are any wtf podcast fans here in memphis so as i'm walking to my car i ask people if they've heard of you
Marc:And your podcast.
Marc:Then I don't know if this is true or not, man.
Marc:And I end up getting responses like, what the fuck is a podcast?
Marc:Or what the fuck?
Marc:Who are you?
Marc:What the fuck are you talking about?
Marc:And on and on and on.
Marc:And as I walk up to my car and unlock the door, an exquisitely dressed young lady, not a prostitute in parentheses, asked me...
Marc:Wanted to make that clear.
Marc:Because, you know, exquisitely dressed women always prostitutes.
Marc:Asks me, are you a what the fucker?
Marc:I guess she saw me asking folks about what the fuck and obviously listens to your podcast.
Marc:I tell her I really like WTF and every episode has made me laugh my ass off.
Marc:God's honest truth.
Marc:We get into my car and cruise around the city listening to your podcast on my iPod for the rest of the night.
Marc:I can't even imagine that being a good thing.
Marc:I mean, I'm so happy this guy had a nice time because of my podcast, but I just think that if I were, and I can't even put myself in that position.
Marc:Like you meet a girl and you're like, let's listen to Marc Maron for three hours.
Marc:Let's drive around and listen.
Marc:So while the evening that night generally sucked, I made a new friend, and it's all because of your show.
Marc:Thanks, Mark.
Marc:I love WTF, and I haven't missed an episode.
Marc:John, be in Memphis.
Marc:And then P.S., in caps, no, she really wasn't a prostitute.
Marc:I would hope not.
Marc:I mean, because I would hate to think that he paid her to sit and listen to me.
Marc:Like, that was a big idea of a night out.
Marc:Here's 100 bucks.
Marc:Just stick the other iPod earbud in your ear and listen to this Jew whine about shit and talk to his friends.
Marc:It's awesome.
Marc:Oh, yeah, and jerk me off.
Marc:Jerk me off when we do that.
Marc:Seeking advice from my favorite podcast guru.
Marc:This is not a good idea to ask me for advice.
Marc:I'm not a professional advice giver.
Marc:I can only know from what I have experienced, and I try not to speculate too much.
Marc:Mark, I'm in the midst of a WTF situation.
Marc:I've been spending a lot of time with a guy who my friends all say is sending serious vibes of being into me.
Marc:We were just friends at first, but I've really become enamored with him and finally told him so.
Marc:He then rejected me very sweetly, primarily citing our age difference.
Marc:I'm female, 25 years old, and he's 41.
Marc:Perfect.
Marc:I do understand this particular predicament.
Marc:He said he's ready to have kids and get married, like yesterday, and I personally wouldn't even object to that happening sooner rather than later for me either.
Marc:I was upset but ready to deal with it and move on, except for the very next weekend we had an 11-hour excursion which included mattress shopping, lunch, a friends-going-away party, and finally a really lovely dinner he paid.
Marc:at which he ordered a bottle of wine, telling the sommelier, is that how you say that?
Marc:Sommelier.
Marc:Sommelier?
Marc:All right, easy.
Marc:I was open-hearted about asking for a correction.
Marc:You didn't have to throw it at me.
Marc:Sommelier?
Marc:Right?
Marc:All right.
Marc:I know.
Marc:It's cool.
Marc:Fucking arrogant.
Marc:I'm kidding.
Marc:I'm kidding.
Marc:See, I took it one step too far.
Marc:You know, I did.
Marc:And I didn't mean to hurt you.
Marc:We okay?
Marc:You know, I'm doing that thing I do.
Marc:You know, push you away.
Marc:Little thing I call dad.
Marc:I, um...
Marc:So the sommelier said that cost is not an issue.
Marc:He said that to the guy.
Marc:This same dinner during a conversation where he re-explained that I'm too young for him, he asked me how tall my ex-boyfriend was and said he could wipe the floor with him.
Marc:This in addition to a small variety of stories about his sex life and other fairly personal revelations.
Marc:What period the period fuck.
Marc:I figure if anyone had insight on dating younger women, possibly with daddy issues, you would.
Marc:I guess if you've got to be known for something, you could be known as a phase that they go through.
Marc:That's what I put on my business card.
Marc:A bad phase that you will go through.
Marc:Is this guy just clueless or is he deliberately manipulating my emotions?
Yes.
Marc:I find it hard to believe either is true.
Marc:He did tell me once that in the past he's dated women who needed to be rescued.
Marc:I have a master's degree and a pretty sweet, stable job.
Marc:What's that got to do with needing to be rescued?
Marc:You're just fucking, you know, you're drowning.
Marc:So maybe, in that sense, he doesn't feel the true desperation.
Marc:It's so maddening that I actually might turn into that crazy girl he wants to be with, but yet he still spends tons of time with me, and we're emailing several, more than ten times a day, so I can't imagine he's spending that much time on any other women.
Marc:Our relationship isn't physical in any way, so I can't figure out what is going on.
Marc:Any advice?
Marc:Thanks, Megan.
Marc:Yeah, wake the fuck up.
Marc:Of course he wants to fuck you, you crazy girl.
Marc:That's my advice.
Marc:Holy shit, Jeff.
Marc:What the fuck?
Marc:That was like half full.
Marc:Megan, yes, you know, just engage with him and do whatever he wants because you're going to end up like moving on and he's going to end up wearing a clown's nose.
Marc:Just have a good time.
Marc:He's in the bad position here.
Marc:Have a good time, work out the daddy issues with him, and then marry someone your own age.
Marc:Now, I say that as someone that's happened to, so that was humility you heard there.
Marc:Needless to say, I'm dating a 27-year-old.
Marc:Now, I know that it's dangerous, but you know what?
Marc:It's worth it.
Marc:That's all I'm going to say.
Marc:I don't think I'm going to have kids.
Marc:I don't have a problem with that.
Marc:I've decided that if I do have kids, I don't want it to be a discussion.
Marc:I don't want to be like, let's plan.
Marc:Let's try.
Marc:I think we're ready.
Marc:If I have kids, I want the discussion to be something like, so what do you want to do?
Marc:I think I'm old enough to handle it.
Marc:So if you want it, let's do it.
Marc:Because that seems more exciting to me.
Marc:Is that negative?
Marc:Because then how could it not be great?
Marc:If you're like, it'll be great.
Marc:Let's plan it.
Marc:Then you're going to be disappointed.
Marc:If you're surprised by it and you don't really want it, how could it not be fucking life-changing?
Marc:Am I wrong on this?
Marc:Are you okay, sir?
Marc:Did you know what you were coming to see?
Marc:Okay.
Marc:My first guest is a Jew, and he's from Albuquerque, New Mexico, which is where I'm from.
Marc:What are the odds of that?
Marc:He's very smart.
Marc:He's very funny.
Marc:He's got a book out called Look at This Fucking Hipster, Joe Mandy, ladies and gentlemen.
Marc:Hi.
Marc:Hi, Joe.
Marc:Yeah, sit here at the microphone.
Marc:You're a very clean, controlled-looking man.
Marc:You look well-groomed, and it's nice to see you.
Guest:Really?
Guest:I feel like I haven't shaved in a while.
Guest:This is me.
Guest:I'm a mess right now.
Guest:Really?
Guest:But your neck.
Guest:I do shake three showers a day, though, I'll be honest.
Guest:Sort of.
Marc:But this is always a sign of the non-rebel beard grower is the neck.
Marc:See, you trim there.
Guest:So you're like, hey, touch me some more.
Guest:No, don't, please.
Marc:So you're really from Albuquerque?
Guest:I am.
Guest:I was born in Albuquerque.
Guest:I lived there until I was 12.
Marc:Now, did you find being a Jew in Albuquerque was weird?
Marc:Because when I was there, my family was one of four families that pioneered the Judaism there.
Marc:They came out in a small wagon train from New Jersey, and there was another family from Long Island.
Marc:And we had to fight off judgmental cowboys along the way.
Marc:They didn't think we were Indians, but they were confused why we were coming.
Marc:And then my grandfather said, well, air is better, that kind of shit.
Guest:No, it wasn't that weird for me.
Guest:It just seemed sort of normal.
Guest:No one beat me up.
Guest:No one beat you up for being a Jew?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I mean, when I moved to Minnesota, I got more shit.
Guest:Really?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Like what?
Guest:I mean, I've never really been harassed, but one kid called me a Jew boy during the crucible when we were rehearsing the crucible.
Guest:Someone called me a Jew boy.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Did they integrate that into the play?
Guest:They should have.
Guest:They should have.
Marc:It seemed like it would have made sense.
Guest:And actually, no, that's not true.
Guest:And when I was in junior high, we had this student exchange program with a small town in Minnesota called Blue Earth where these farm kids would come up to the big city and hang out.
Guest:And one kid found out I was a Jew and was like, oh, you're a regular Mecca.
Guest:And I was like, close, I guess.
Yeah.
Guest:What does that even mean?
Guest:You're a regular Mecca.
Guest:You're a regular Mecca.
Guest:You are the destination of a pilgrimage.
Guest:People will come from all over to be with you.
Guest:He sort of listened in class that day.
Guest:They learned about brown people.
Marc:But they didn't get to Jews yet.
Guest:Yeah, or maybe they did, and then he fell asleep.
Marc:I think there was a big Jewish community up there.
Marc:I think Dylan comes from Minnesota.
Guest:Yeah, his mom went to my temple.
Marc:Really?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Did you see her?
Guest:A lot.
Guest:Really?
Guest:Yeah, she'd be like, my son Robert's in Japan right now.
Guest:And he'd be like, you mean Bob Dylan?
Guest:You crazy old lady.
Guest:Yeah.
Yeah.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Yeah, at some point, you just got to call him fucking Bob Dylan, don't you?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Even if you're his mother.
Guest:Robert.
Guest:Miss Zimmerman.
Guest:So you see her at Temple?
Guest:Yeah, she went to my temple.
Marc:Did he ever come to Temple?
Marc:No.
Marc:How great would it be to see Bob Dylan at Temple?
Marc:Because I call him the old Jew.
Marc:What else can you call him at this point?
Guest:Bob Dylan?
Guest:That guy from the Victoria Secrets commercial.
Guest:Oh, yeah.
Marc:Don't you hate it when they have to make money and they're old?
Marc:They feel like the need to compromise everything they work so hard for.
Guest:I talked to her a lot about it.
Marc:You did?
Guest:No, I didn't.
Guest:What do you think of your son Robert doing the filthy commercials?
Guest:I handed her holla and walked away.
Guest:Ha!
Guest:This is fun.
Marc:It is fun.
Marc:Did you ever go like, because when I was in Minnesota, I was just there the other night, and there was like a monsoon.
Marc:And did you know this, though?
Marc:Do you know they have the large, I was in Minneapolis, and they have the largest Somalian community outside of Somalia in the world.
Marc:Did somebody kidnap them?
Guest:Well, I have a theory that there was some guy in the Peace Corps like 25 years ago who got stationed in Mogadishu and just started whining.
Guest:He was just like, oh, God, it's really hot here in Somalia.
Guest:But it's a dry heat, you know?
Guest:It's tolerable.
Guest:Back in Minnesota during the summer, it's so wet and sticky because of all the lakes.
Guest:What's a lake?
Guest:A lake is just a big hole in the ground that's filled to the top with fresh water and food.
Yeah.
Guest:Yeah, there's 10,000 of them everywhere.
Guest:They're awful.
Guest:That's not even the worst part.
Guest:The worst part is that it's snowing 10 months out of the year and you've got to clean up.
Guest:What's snow?
Guest:Well, again, fresh water that falls from the sky.
Guest:Inedible flakes.
Guest:No, you don't eat snow.
Guest:It's too cold out.
Guest:So you just roll snow up into balls and make little men out of it.
Guest:And then you decorate those men with clothes and food.
Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest:So then they were just like, why is everyone dancing?
Guest:You can come with me.
Guest:It's allowed.
Guest:And they all did.
Marc:That's beautiful.
Marc:Do you actually know why they're there, though?
Marc:No, no.
Marc:Because the club I played was, like, right in that neighborhood.
Marc:It was a Triple Rock Social Club.
Marc:And I walked through this neighborhood, and I never realized it more than I realized it there, because I'd lived in Astoria, that just because we're open-minded and culturally adventurous does not mean that they want us in their establishments.
Right?
Marc:That's for sure.
Marc:Yeah, because I was walking by these storefronts, and I looked in, and it couldn't have been more obvious, like, this is not for me.
Marc:Like, there was nothing that would invite me in.
Marc:There was no posters on the wall.
Marc:I didn't even know if it was a restaurant or not.
Marc:You know, you just look in there.
Marc:There's nothing but dirty looks and weird bowls of soup.
Marc:And I never felt so, like, this is real.
Marc:And I have that feeling there in Astoria, too, those hookah shops, like the smoke coffee shops with the Arab guys.
Marc:Right, right.
Marc:You're like, oh, maybe let's just go check it out.
Marc:And you step in, you're like, no, no, it's not safe at all in there.
Guest:Those, like, Croatian bars?
Guest:Yeah, right around the corner.
Marc:I lived by that Croatian bar.
Marc:That's when I had that realization that I'm a selfish fuck.
Marc:Because, like, I would walk around my neighborhood literally, you know, saying, like, I hope that joke works tonight or, like, I'm going to be really fucking pissed.
Marc:And the guy walking by me could be thinking, I can't believe they killed my family.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:Where do you live?
Marc:In the city?
Guest:Yeah, I live in Williamsburg, Brooklyn.
Guest:Is that why you're wearing the... Hence, yeah.
Guest:This is the outfit.
Guest:Do you like Brooklyn?
Guest:I love it.
Guest:Yeah, I used to live in Astoria.
Guest:You did?
Guest:And you left?
Marc:You moved up?
Guest:I moved up.
Marc:What?
Marc:Did you feel like Astoria was dirty and beneath you?
Guest:No, I was just like...
Guest:It was definitely not that, because I live in a much dirtier neighborhood now.
Guest:But it was more that, like, I always felt sad when I would come home on, like, a Saturday night and, like, people from, like, deeper Queens would come into my neighborhood because they thought that was the city.
Guest:Like, there's, like, all these awful nightclubs.
Marc:Right, like, the river was as far as they could go.
Guest:So they're like, they're like, they're night on the town.
Guest:It's like, you know, just fistfights and Hummer limos.
Guest:And I was just like, I gotta get out of here.
Guest:Every barn, a story has these like LED lights that flash every color.
Marc:It's crazy.
Marc:So cheesy.
Marc:It looks like a 1969 Fellini movie.
Marc:Right.
Marc:Like there is just a Euro sensibility that you thought didn't exist anymore.
Marc:But if you go to Astoria, it's there till four in the morning on motorcycles and cars.
Marc:And I used to, I couldn't understand it.
Marc:They drink odd refreshments.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:You go into a bodega and it's all these like Polish beers and, you know.
Marc:Well, how about those weird iced coffees where you're like, what the fuck is that?
Marc:They're like, it's a frappe.
Marc:I'm like, that's, where do you live?
Guest:It's awful.
Guest:It is awful.
Guest:It's Nescafe.
Guest:And ice.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:All right, so now we've established why you don't like Astoria.
Marc:Do you have, do you, like, because I know we talked about this a little bit.
Marc:Like, I have cats, and I, you know, I get judged for that.
Guest:Yeah, you asked me, you addressed backstage, you said why, you asked me why we had tension, and I didn't really know that we had tension.
Guest:tension between us other than like you know i've done i've done shows with you and i've said outright that i'm a dog person and not a cat person that's what it was maybe that's it because i felt tension before i think i i think it was because for me it was because you were young and funny okay oh well thank you
Marc:And I have a problem with that.
Guest:I mean, when you asked me to do the podcast, I was convinced either this was your way of saying you thought I was funny or I was just going to get ambushed.
Guest:And so I'm glad.
Marc:Yeah, that would really make me look great.
Marc:Yeah, come on out for the live show so I can make you look like an idiot.
Guest:I think the first time I did a show with you, actually, I was really excited.
Guest:I read your book in college.
Guest:I was a fan.
Guest:Yeah, isn't that cute?
Guest:And I wanted to talk about the Jewish geography like we just did.
Guest:I wanted to ask you if you went to what temple you went to in Albuquerque.
Marc:I went to B'nai Israel.
Guest:Yeah, the ski chalet.
Marc:Yeah, yeah.
Marc:B'nai Israel had this thing.
Marc:It looked like an umbrella top.
Marc:I don't know what it is with churches and synagogues where they just hire like insane architects.
Marc:They hire like a local architect and they're like, go fucking crazy.
Guest:I know.
Guest:Yeah, it is crazy.
Guest:It looked like a giant tent.
Guest:It's like an adobe tent.
Marc:Yeah, and then you couldn't figure out they had this weird candelabrum that was supposed to say something, but it didn't make any sense because they had some Jewish artists do it, and it was all loaded up with Holocaust slash Israel slash God knows what symbolism.
Marc:The fun stuff.
Marc:Yeah, and you couldn't figure out what the hell it was.
Marc:You went there, too?
Guest:No, I went to Temple Albert, which looked like an elementary school.
Marc:Yeah, that was, like, not so Jewish.
Guest:Well, this was the fun conversation I wanted to have, like, five years ago.
Guest:So I was like, yeah, I'm from Albuquerque.
Guest:And you were just like, yeah, yeah, are you up before me?
Guest:That was all.
Guest:That was our whole conversation.
Guest:Right, that's all you did?
Yeah.
Marc:But my point is that Temple Albert is just shy of being Christian.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:No.
Marc:Temple Albert, they had an organ?
Marc:No?
Marc:Organ?
Marc:Probably.
Guest:I don't remember.
Guest:You don't remember.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I don't.
Guest:Exactly.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:I'm not pulling rank on you because I'm not that Jewy.
Guest:But I, you know.
Guest:Actually, whenever I live in, you know, I said I live in Williamsburg, which is like right at the border of like, you know.
Marc:You're close to that, though.
Marc:You would just require a hat and a little more growth.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Curly cues.
Guest:Curly cues.
Marc:Do you ever look at those guys and think like, you know, outside of the beard and the hat, they don't even fucking look Jewish.
Guest:I have thought that, because I go to a gym full of Hasidic Jews that could kick my ass, like all of them.
Guest:Whoa, whoa, whoa, back up.
Marc:You go to a gym full of Hasidic Jews, they cannot dress properly for the gym.
Guest:The guys don't.
Guest:The poor women have to still wear wigs and tights.
Guest:The guys, but what do they wear?
Guest:Just their t-shirts?
Guest:No, they don't.
Guest:Yes, they do.
Guest:Their t-shirt hangs out, but they wear cross trainers.
Guest:They smell so bad with their clothes on.
Guest:Yeah, it's a mess.
Guest:Yeah, it's a mess.
Guest:You should watch pumping weights to nickel back.
Guest:It's amazing.
Guest:Oh, no.
Guest:What size hat are they wearing?
Guest:No hat.
Guest:They wear... Just the yarmulke, but they don't wear the bowler?
Guest:It's like sweatband material.
Guest:No, it's not.
Guest:That's not true.
Guest:I wish it was true.
Guest:But they all have weird genetic skin diseases.
Guest:They're all fucked up.
Guest:They're not like lizards.
Guest:They're human beings who have strange belief systems.
Guest:I just got a problem with them.
Guest:They're like the Jewish version of hillbillies.
Guest:They're all fucking their cousins.
Guest:They're fucking messed.
Guest:Huh?
Guest:Whenever I see a Hasidic Jew on the subway, they're only allowed to read prayer books, and I always just, like, want to go into my bookshelf and just, like, give me, like, a Michael Crichton Congo and just, like, hand it to him and be like, monkeys with lasers, go crazy.
Guest:Joe Mandy, ladies and gentlemen.
Guest:Thank you.
Guest:Joe Mandy.
Guest:Thank you for your job.
Guest:Thank you.
Guest:Are you ready for Jew number two?
Marc:Please welcome to the stage, I don't even know all his credits.
Marc:He was on Tourgasm, the Dane Cook thing, and he's been on a lot of things that I like, but I like him.
Marc:He's a large Jew.
Marc:Gary Goldman, ladies and gentlemen.
Marc:Look at the size of this one.
Marc:Holy shit.
Guest:Really funny.
Marc:He was great.
Marc:Joe Mandy.
Marc:Sure, you can outro him again.
Marc:Joe Mandy, ladies and gentlemen.
Marc:Gary Goldman.
Guest:Thank you.
Guest:That whole Minnesota-Somalia thing.
Guest:Thank you.
Guest:It's a gem.
Marc:You all right, buddy?
Marc:Do we need to get you a special chair?
Guest:You know, I should take this out.
Marc:Sure, go ahead.
Marc:Look at the size of this Jew.
Marc:How often does that happen?
Marc:And he's... And he's, like, attractive?
Marc:Look at that.
Marc:Him and I, we get this mixture between, you know, math Jew and composer Jew, and you're like... You're like sports Jew.
Marc:You're like, what are you?
Guest:Where the fuck did you come from?
Guest:I'm...
Guest:It's like Gaston, the Jewish Gaston.
Guest:Yeah, I don't even fit in amongst the Jews.
Marc:It's very... But you have that... The quality of your head is Jewish.
Guest:Yeah, I'm a hook-nosed Jew, so... Right, and the whole thing is Jewish.
Guest:I've met a couple of tall Jews.
Marc:Then I'm 6'6 and ripped.
Marc:So...
Marc:Do you play sports now?
Guest:No, no.
Guest:I played football in college.
Guest:I was really good in high school, but then I wasn't so good in college.
Guest:Really?
Guest:So you had to let it go?
Guest:Did I start off wrong?
Guest:No, no, that's fine.
Marc:Are you upset about it still?
Marc:Did you have dreams of being like the next Sandy Koufax of football?
Guest:You can't talk to a Jew about sports for six seconds without Sandy Koufax coming up.
Guest:It's so...
Guest:Sandy, we have like three go-tos.
Guest:Houdini, Koufax, and Jonas Salk.
Guest:And that's how we... See?
Guest:You need us.
Guest:Don't kill us.
Guest:We have left-handed pictures.
Guest:They're not easy to find.
Guest:And we cured polio.
Guest:And we escape things.
Guest:And...
Guest:My God.
Guest:Had I known Fonzie was Jewish growing up, I was much happier.
Guest:You need us.
Marc:We can hit things and they'll turn on.
Guest:And I live amongst a sedum, too.
Guest:I bought that farmhouse.
Guest:You're upstate.
Marc:So you live among... Were there actual hill people?
Guest:They're always trying to get into accidents with me.
Guest:They're trying to get into accidents?
Guest:Trying to get into accidents with me.
Guest:And also, have they heard of linen?
Guest:No.
Guest:Could you dye linen black and just let it breathe?
Guest:No.
Guest:Because they're schvitzing.
Marc:I told you.
Guest:The entire.
Marc:I know.
Guest:But the commitment.
Marc:Exactly.
Guest:The commitment.
Guest:Are there any here?
Guest:I saw.
Marc:Nor is today a holiday.
Marc:Is it too beshvat?
Marc:Is it one of the minor Jew holidays today?
Marc:Shavuos.
Marc:My brother's kind of Jewy, so it's like, you know, he's like, I'm sorry I didn't call it a holiday.
Marc:It's like, what holiday is it?
Marc:It's the day after Sukkot.
Marc:That's a holiday?
Marc:Yeah, I have fucking no idea.
Marc:Go back to them trying to kill you.
Guest:Well, yeah, that's the thing.
Guest:They'll back out, and then one time, one ran by me, flew by me at a toll.
Guest:They can fly?
Guest:At a toll, he was driving a minivan, and he got out of his car, and he came over to me, and then he's like, look what you did to my mirror.
Guest:I'd broken his mirror, but I went up to the mirror, and it's one of those one that flips, and I just went, oh, I fixed it.
Guest:He popped it back.
He he he.
Guest:And I was like, have you been drinking?
Marc:And what did he say?
Guest:Because it was Saturday.
Guest:And I was like, a little bit of that Shabbos wine.
Marc:He shouldn't have even been fucking driving.
Guest:He was a bad Jew.
Guest:But to us, to...
Guest:We, to him, aren't even Jews.
Guest:We might as well be pagan.
Marc:Yeah, I know.
Marc:See, that's what I don't like about them.
Guest:Yeah, I don't like it either.
Marc:Yeah, because they think they're better and more Jew-y than we are.
Guest:But I also saw, I had a neighbor who was, okay, he was Hasidic, and then he was in a wheelchair, and he was a dwarf.
Marc:From flying?
Guest:And he still...
Guest:And still committed, still believed in God.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And he's sweating.
Guest:Wait, so you're saying that he was in a wheelchair, so he shouldn't have... I found out I might need glasses, and I was like, there's no God.
Guest:There can't be a God.
Guest:If I have to... Really?
Marc:You gave up that easily?
Guest:He's got it in for me.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:I was fortunate to have parents that didn't understand God either.
Marc:They didn't understand the necessity.
Marc:They didn't impress it.
Marc:They're like, so there's a God.
Marc:And they never made it important to me that I needed him for anything.
Guest:Well, my parents were the God forbid.
Marc:Oh.
Guest:So anytime you would say a disease, you'd have to scream God forbid within a certain amount of time.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Or God would give you that disease.
Yeah.
Guest:Like God is just playing a big game of Simon Says.
Guest:And his assistant comes to God.
Guest:Somebody just said, did they say God?
Guest:They did shit.
Guest:I was going to give him polio.
Guest:I've got so much leftover polio.
Guest:That fucking sulk.
Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest:Did they knock on wood?
Guest:Shit, there's nothing I can do.
Guest:If they knocked on wood, then my hands are tied.
Guest:I'm God, but I can't overcome a God forbid followed by a knock on wood.
Marc:I don't know how old your parents are, but my dad only talks about disease now.
Marc:Outside of vitamins, the only conversation is, yeah, you know, do you remember Bill?
Marc:He got like a prostate cancer.
Marc:And this is his conversation, and I didn't realize that it was really his way of saying, not me, I'm still alive.
Marc:Like, he doesn't want to say that part.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Wow.
Marc:Do your parents... Have you gotten to that point where... He's 86.
Marc:He's 86.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:So he made it.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Like, he's... I mean, he's completely Meshuggah and Iverbuddled and doesn't... Vibuddled and Meshuggah?
Marc:I don't think I've said Vibuddled ever.
Guest:Iverbuddled.
Marc:Iverbuddled?
Marc:Ugh.
Marc:What is that?
Marc:What does that one mean?
Guest:Iverbuddled and the Kepi.
Marc:Kepi, I know.
Marc:Oh, fuck.
Marc:This got so Jewish.
Marc:It's not Jewish words.
Marc:He's Meshuggah.
Guest:Meshuggah.
Marc:We're just going to have to call this show Jews, Jews, Jews.
Guest:We're a few short of a minion.
Marc:Now, I heard, I read in the tabloids that you were arrested.
Guest:I can't believe that.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Well, if you get a speeding ticket in New York State and you don't pay it, they suspend your driver's license for one speeding ticket.
Guest:Let that be a lesson to you in this economy.
Guest:Do not...
Guest:I got one in 1999.
Guest:I wasn't even living in New York.
Guest:I was just doing a college upstate.
Guest:And they gave me, it was like $165 or something like that.
Guest:I didn't have that kind of money.
Guest:I was only getting paid like $200 for the show.
Guest:So I let it go.
Guest:Ten years later, when I moved back to New York last year, I got pulled over in Times Square.
Guest:for an inspection sticker violation.
Guest:And I was like, this is taking a long time.
Guest:And I don't think they normally bring back.
Guest:There were three cruisers.
Guest:I don't think they normally bring back up for an inspection sticker.
Guest:Holy shit.
Guest:And he asked me to get out of the car, and he put me in the handcuffs behind the back, which... Oh, shit.
Guest:OJ was carried off...
Guest:Front of the front.
Guest:I, behind the, which is, front is like, all right, I'm playing Brick Breaker.
Guest:I'm searching for some techs.
Guest:But this was like, and then they, they, they put me in the.
Marc:Did they give you the push, the push into the car?
Guest:Didn't.
Guest:Didn't watch my keppy.
Guest:Didn't.
Guest:but then I thought appeal appeal your honor I'd like you to dismiss this just throw this out because they didn't I didn't get the full treatment I was cuffed but no pushing into this cruiser okay so no by the way no leg room in the back of the in the back of the cruiser well you know no I'm a tall drink of water I gotta stretch my shit out I used to think people were kicking off the windows because they were nuts they're just trying to get comfy
Guest:And so it was all I could do to not say to these burly men, hey, could you guys scooch forward the bench seat?
Guest:There should be a little handle.
Guest:Right under the seat.
Guest:And if you kind of just go like that at the same... If I count down from three... I guess I was... I felt like because I have kind eyes that they were going to go easy on me.
Guest:That I was clearly not a threat.
Guest:So I wanted to...
Guest:There's there's that part where you're like I want to see if we can enact everything I've ever seen on any of the good Like old TV shows.
Guest:I wanted to play good cop bad cop.
Guest:Oh, yeah.
Guest:Hey, call me a hook-nosed Jew.
Guest:You asked me how I take my coffee and then Tell me to stop lying Could you read me our rights now like we don't read rights for moving violations
Marc:I'm in the car.
Marc:Do me a favor.
Marc:Give me the full treatment.
Marc:Come on.
Marc:What's a Jew got to do to get arrested?
Guest:This crime is particularly heinous.
Guest:And then... Okay, so they bring me in there.
Guest:Now, I used to think this was a myth.
Guest:I knew they would take my belt.
Guest:I was fine with that.
Marc:They take your belt?
Guest:Okay.
Guest:I could hang myself with my belt.
Guest:But then they were like, you're also going to have to give us your shoelaces.
Guest:Oh, shit.
Guest:I'm like, well, can I just hold on to those and I'll tell you what?
Guest:Hear me out.
Guest:They were like 12-year-old New Balances and they fit perfectly.
Guest:They were like slippers.
Guest:I would just slip them in and out.
Guest:I hadn't tied or untied them in 14 years or something like that.
Guest:But as is want to happen with... I said, listen, the tips are frayed.
Guest:The tips are frayed.
Guest:I'm not going to be able to get them back into the shoes.
Guest:Once you release me, I'm going to go stumbling out of here like a hobo.
Guest:You're going to pick me up for vagrancy.
Guest:It's going to start a cycle.
Guest:He's like, well, you know, we'll be held responsible if you kill yourself.
Guest:Over a moving violation...
Guest:I would blame my parents, right?
Guest:Obviously, I brought in some insecurities in here, some chemical imbalance that I'm killing myself because I'm like, I'm not going to, because they're afraid.
Guest:Even if I suck on the tips, which is disgusting because your streets are filthy, might I add.
Guest:And they took my cigarettes, which is like, I've seen enough prison movies to know that that's currency.
Guest:How am I going to get a blowjob in this joint?
Guest:How am I going to buy things?
Guest:I need a little rock hammer and a poster to cover up my work, and then I make my way out of here, over 25 years or so, but I get out.
Guest:How long were you in for?
Guest:Three hours.
Guest:Three hours.
Guest:The Mazzillis bailed me out.
Guest:The Mazzillis, the owners of the other comedy club.
Marc:That's all you could think to call?
Marc:Well, you think you were going to get some sort of special treatment?
Marc:You know Chris Mazzilli?
Marc:He's on his way over here.
Guest:They're Italians.
Guest:And they know all the people that work at the place are former cops.
Guest:They actually got me a bench ticket instead of a night in the slammer.
Marc:Oh, you're so fucked.
Marc:Because now you owe Mazzilli.
Guest:Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest:I can never leave.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Remember that thing I did for you?
Marc:I got a gig for you.
Marc:Gary Goldman, ladies and gentlemen.
Marc:Jeffrey.
Marc:This guy has been around a long time, and even before he was famous, thought that he was famous.
Marc:Please welcome Jeff Garland to the stage.
Marc:Second time for you.
Guest:Second time for you.
Guest:Very funny, Gary.
Guest:I am disappointed that there was a bit.
Guest:Because backstage I'm going, well, he should do this in his act, I swear.
Guest:And now I can't give you that advice.
Marc:That's interesting that you would even know about having bits in an act.
Guest:Well, by the way, you say that, and I'm sitting there thinking, God, I wish I had a bit like that.
Guest:I don't have any bits.
Guest:I'm just funny.
Guest:All right.
Guest:So I want to, not that you're not funny.
Guest:You're very funny.
Marc:I want to tell you something.
Marc:I want to do a little narrative.
Marc:Watch Jeff Garland take over Mark's show and pretend like Mark doesn't even know about it.
Guest:If you've got issues with a man, I'll stop.
Marc:Oh, don't even do that.
Marc:Yeah, I'm going to stop.
Marc:I love you.
Guest:You remind me of my uncle's... You know what's fucking crazy?
Marc:What?
Guest:First off, you're uncomfortable with everyone.
Guest:Like when you were saying that about him earlier, that's just Mark.
Guest:It's not.
Guest:He's a great guy.
Guest:That's just his fucking festival.
Guest:No, I've learned it now.
Marc:So... No, you're always... This is where I learn about me.
Marc:You haven't learned this yet?
Guest:Really?
Guest:This is all new to you?
Guest:Yes, Jeff.
Guest:All right.
Guest:So I want to say this, by the way.
Guest:So I'm watching backstage, and it's filled, and I'm going, those blueberries look so good.
Guest:And I don't eat shit anymore, like donuts.
Guest:There are no donuts back there, but I don't eat donuts.
Guest:I'm sorry.
Guest:I didn't mean to insult you.
Guest:No, no, no.
Guest:That insult's great.
Guest:Lots of great people eat sugar.
Guest:I just don't eat sugar anymore.
Guest:I haven't for almost two years now.
Guest:Anyhow, so I see the blueberries and go, those look good and I'm hungry.
Guest:Now, I do have an eating disorder.
Guest:I'm a compulsive overeater.
Guest:And I ate fucking three quarters of the blueberries.
Guest:Never in my life have I had that many blueberries.
Guest:And you know how like when you're in the grocery store and you see the little container and you're like, why aren't they more generous with the blueberries?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Well, when you have more than a handful, you get nauseous.
Guest:I am so sick right now from eating all these blueberries.
Guest:I never knew that.
Guest:So it's really good that the blueberries are the one fruit that I've just learned tonight that you need to eat in moderation.
Guest:Otherwise, like a little snack.
Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest:That's the way you eat them.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Or an oatmeal or something.
Guest:Right.
Guest:But not like by the fucking apple size full.
Guest:I had like four handfuls, huge handfuls of blueberries that I'm, you know.
Guest:So that's a lesson.
Guest:That was good.
Guest:That was almost like a bit.
Yeah.
Guest:Can I tell you something?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:No one can simulate a bit like me.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I can make you think, that's a bit, man.
Guest:Yeah, it's a slight difference.
Guest:Can I tell you something else, by the way?
Guest:I'm looking at you back there.
Guest:No.
Guest:Forget... Listen to me.
Guest:Joe, Joe.
Guest:No, no, no.
Guest:Joe's very funny.
Guest:Right.
Guest:Like, really crazy funny.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:You're very quiet and shy back there.
Guest:I'm a big fan.
Guest:How are you?
Guest:You're just... I mean, to be a large Jew, that's... He's strapping.
Guest:They aren't strapping Jews.
Marc:You're the only strapping Jew I've ever met in my life.
Marc:Gary, when we were backstage, before you showed up, he said that you auditioned for him.
Marc:And literally, I had to say to him after he gushed for like three minutes, I said, you want to fuck him on stage?
Guest:No, I'm very impressed with you.
Guest:I think you're going to be a big star.
Marc:Just say it, Gary.
Marc:Just say when.
Guest:I don't think you are, and I don't think you are, but I think you're both...
Guest:Let's talk about this eating thing.
Guest:Okay.
Marc:Let's talk about this eating thing.
Guest:Oh, I thought about the eating thing.
Guest:Okay, go on.
Guest:No, because in your book, you discuss it a lot, right?
Guest:Yes.
Guest:My book, My Footprint, Carrying the Weight of the World.
Guest:Gallery books available.
Guest:And by the way, the audio book, if you download it from iTunes, they don't tell you this on iTunes.
Guest:And this has been, I thought this would really be a hit, and it wasn't.
Guest:My audio book is as read by the author as told to Leonard Nimoy.
Thank you.
Guest:And Leonard Nimoy is on my audio book making comments all the way through.
Guest:He agreed to do it.
Guest:It was awesome.
Guest:So you can get that on iTunes.
Guest:I don't know why people aren't doing that.
Guest:I mean, I thought, at least Star Trek, completists.
Guest:If you're a Star Trek completist, you think, I need that to complete my collection.
Guest:And I would imagine there's a lot of completists that are not brought away.
Marc:Did you put it on message boards, though?
Marc:Like Star Trek message boards?
Guest:Message boards?
Guest:I got guys.
Guest:Where's my comic book guy?
Marc:Would somebody in this room please put that Leonard Nimoy is on?
Guest:You have access to that?
Guest:Okay, please do.
Marc:What's your name again, buddy?
Marc:Jordan.
Marc:Jordan, you're a Star Trek guy, right?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:All right, why not?
Guest:By the way, who isn't?
Guest:Everyone loves Star Trek.
Guest:One version of it or another.
Marc:I never understood it.
Guest:But I just didn't.
Guest:You're just wrong.
Guest:You're wrong.
Guest:What do you want from me?
Guest:By the way, we'll talk about the eating in a second.
Guest:I'll talk about the eating now.
Guest:Then I have something I want to tell you.
Marc:Okay.
Marc:I have a sweating disorder.
Guest:Slight, yes.
Guest:This is slight.
Guest:Whee.
Guest:That's slight because you're not stopping.
Guest:You keep going.
Guest:But this is slight.
Guest:This is what I do.
Whoooo.
Marc:Right, but do you even know, like people always tell me I eat fast where you don't even taste it.
Marc:I eat crazy fast.
Marc:I can cook all day long and eat everything I made in three fucking minutes.
Marc:I can spend like eight hours and then like, and just fucking shove it into my head.
Guest:And my younger son, who eats a ton but eats slowly, is as fit as can be.
Marc:Do you bust on him a little bit?
Marc:Like, come on, get going.
Marc:No, I do not.
Guest:I thought you were a garland.
Guest:All right.
Guest:You say that.
Guest:There's a memory I have from childhood because my parents affected them.
Guest:We were having ribs in my backyard in Chicago.
Guest:I must have been 10 years old.
Guest:And our neighbors, the Hoffmans, were over.
Guest:The Hoffmans.
Guest:And I ate my rib and I put it down.
Guest:And the Hoffman family, the mother said, you need to finish all of what's on your rib because that's what the Hoffmans do.
Guest:And I remember my mother was very upset about it.
Guest:And I've never forgotten that.
Guest:So I'm not going to do that to my child.
Guest:Right.
Guest:Do whatever he wants.
Right.
Guest:So you don't do it at all?
Guest:No, I leave him alone.
Guest:You've stopped that horrible Jewish guilt tradition.
Guest:No, let me tell you something about dysfunction.
Guest:You have to be able to say, just because you have dysfunction and some shit happened to you, I'm not talking about horrible shit.
Marc:Are you talking at me right now?
Marc:I mean, are you talking to me?
Guest:We're having a conversation, I thought.
Marc:Okay, all right, so this is directed at me.
Marc:Like, you're offering me help.
Guest:Yeah, but they're also here.
Guest:I'm not going to pretend they're not here.
Guest:So if I turn away from you from one millisecond, Insecure Johnson, one millisecond, I look out at the audience, and I turn back to you.
Guest:Are you talking to me?
Guest:What are you doing?
Guest:Are you in performance mode?
Guest:Hi, Gary.
Guest:Good man.
Guest:All right, go ahead.
Marc:Insecure, dysfunction.
Guest:I'm going to fucking hire you on something.
Guest:Do you know, as I was watching you back there, do you want to know what I was thinking?
Guest:First off, you look great.
Marc:Thank you.
Guest:Never seen you look this good.
Guest:Thank you.
Guest:Okay?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:So you must be happy with the young girl.
Marc:I'm generally okay.
Guest:Yeah, no.
Guest:Unbelievable.
Guest:Unbelievable.
Guest:But anyhow, the point is, I was sitting back there thinking, man, I respect that dude.
Guest:I dig him and I respect him.
Guest:You.
Guest:Thank you.
Guest:I think you're the greatest.
Guest:Thank you so much.
Guest:I'm so happy that you have this.
Guest:You know, last time I was on the show, I got criticism on the street for being mean to you, which cracked me up because I'm like, that's the way we always are.
Guest:You know, I see it at the comedy store, all that shit.
Guest:But we've gotten along for like a hundred years.
Guest:It's like crazy.
Guest:Never had... You know why I love you?
Marc:There's always awkward moments.
Marc:But this is why I love you, is I pull my mean, weird, stupid shit with you, and you just absorb it like a sponge and pummel forward with affection and love for me.
Marc:Hell yes.
Marc:Thank you.
Guest:Hell yes.
Marc:Without a doubt.
Guest:No doubt about it.
Guest:That's who I am.
Guest:You're like, fuck you.
Guest:Poke, poke, poke.
Guest:And you're like, what?
Guest:Come here.
Guest:That's who I am.
Guest:But I do think you're the greatest.
Guest:And so one of the things last time I was very confused about, you know, you hear the term podcast.
Guest:What's a podcast?
Guest:It's not a show.
Guest:You know, what is...
Marc:Tell that to the listeners.
Guest:No, but a lot of people... Look, I did this show once in a favor called Wizards of Waverly Place.
Guest:Next thing I know, every little kid in the world knows me.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Because I'm Uncle Kelbo.
Guest:And I got to work with Shakira, so it was all good.
Guest:That was a big bullet, dear God.
Guest:Seen every episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm and was nervous to meet me.
Guest:Really?
Guest:That's all I'm saying.
Guest:Wow.
Guest:Yeah, and her ass, the greatest gift.
Guest:Proof of God.
Guest:Proof of God.
Guest:You're upset about the lack of God because of glasses maybe?
Guest:Shakira's ass is proof of God.
Guest:There is a God.
Guest:After I saw Shakira's ass, I went to temple.
Wow.
Guest:And thanked God for it.
Guest:I got a minion together after I saw Shakira's ass.
Guest:That's all I'm saying to you.
Guest:I want to buy a condo in Shakira's ass.
Guest:Really?
Guest:I'll move my family in.
Guest:My wife will like it.
Guest:Just don't tell her where you are.
Marc:No, no, no.
Guest:I won't tell her.
Guest:I won't tell her.
Guest:Where are we?
Marc:Just blindfold her and bring her into Shakira's ass and go, hi.
Guest:What if I told you Shakira's ass is probably bright and sunny all day?
Guest:Just guessing.
Guest:It's not dark.
Guest:Bad things don't happen there.
Guest:Good things happen.
Guest:That was a bit we pushed to the edge.
Guest:To me, it wasn't a bit.
Guest:It was me talking.
Guest:I'm that funny.
Guest:So anyhow, I downloaded a few of your podcasts.
Guest:They were fantastic.
Guest:And I saw there's a whole podcast world on iTunes.
Guest:Right, right.
Guest:A lot of people.
Guest:So I'm going to do one now.
Guest:I am.
Guest:And you're going to help me?
Guest:Your producer's going to help me.
Guest:He's letting me know what your server is and all that stuff.
Guest:That's just what we need, Brendan.
Guest:All right.
Guest:No, you'll still get your donations.
Guest:I said to him, how do you make money?
Guest:What do you do?
Guest:And he told me the whole thing.
Guest:You'll get your donations.
Marc:So you're going to give me a donation for Brendan's help?
Guest:Here's what I'm going to do.
Guest:I'm donating $100 to your show.
Guest:All right.
Guest:Hold on.
Guest:Hold on.
Guest:Right now.
Marc:Don't give me money in front of people.
Guest:Are you going to give me money in front of people?
Marc:All right.
Marc:What are you giving me?
Marc:I know what's going to happen right now.
Marc:You're not going to have it.
Marc:Watch this.
Marc:I've seen this a million times in restaurants.
Marc:Oh, shit.
Marc:Thank you.
Marc:Thank you very much.
Guest:I'm supporting your show, my friend.
Guest:I just handed him, for those of you listening, I handed him a $100 bill.
Guest:I'm supporting your show.
Guest:I want you to keep going.
Guest:I appreciate it.
Guest:And my show's not about money.
Guest:I got plenty of it.
Guest:Do you know, for years, for years... I just take it.
Guest:I'm going to just take it.
Guest:For the first time, I'm telling this right now, for years, like three seasons or so on Curb Your Enthusiasm, I didn't make very much money.
Guest:No, because Larry David, I can't get paid more than Larry David, and he never asked for a raise.
LAUGHTER
Guest:Because he didn't need any fucking money.
Guest:I'm raising a family.
Guest:So he said to me, when I told him, he goes, so I'm keeping you down, huh?
Guest:And I said, yeah, you're keeping me down.
Guest:He goes, all right, I'll ask for a raise.
Guest:And he did, just so I could get a raise.
Guest:I fucking love him.
Marc:I had a very long conversation with Larry at an airport about divorce, and it got awkward.
Guest:You and Larry David is the biggest ball of awkward I could ever face.
Guest:I can't even imagine that.
Guest:Well, what's wrong with the guy?
Guest:He made me hate him within 10 seconds.
Guest:I've never felt that before.
Marc:Jeff Garland, ladies and gentlemen.
Marc:Thank you.
Marc:We'll move down for Susie.
Guest:Let's keep the curb love going.
Guest:This is a woman I have known my entire comedy career, Susie Essman, ladies and gentlemen.
Guest:You know, I come out here, there's one, two, there's six fucking blueberries.
Guest:Talk to that pig right there.
Guest:I didn't see Joe eat any.
Guest:I didn't see Gary eat any.
Guest:Hold on one second here.
Guest:Yes.
Guest:When we were backstage.
Guest:No, but I asked you backstage if you wanted any.
Guest:You didn't want any.
Guest:That's not the point.
Guest:What if I came out here and wanted one?
Guest:They're gone.
Guest:What am I supposed to think about that?
Guest:I better not eat that many.
Guest:When she gets out here, she may change her mind.
Marc:This is such an example of what to do as a Jew and what not to do as a Jew.
Marc:Everything.
Marc:This whole panel is just so perfectly... You do look very good, Mark.
Marc:Thank you.
Marc:You look great, too.
Guest:Thank you.
Guest:I'm old and menopausal and all of that, and yet I still look good.
Guest:It's fascinating to me.
Marc:You look happy.
Guest:Very funny, guys.
Guest:Very funny.
Guest:Do people say that to you now?
Guest:That I look happy?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Well, I'm married to the two greatest guys in the world.
Guest:I'm married to him on TV and to my husband who's backstage.
Marc:I couldn't believe you were married.
Marc:When did you get married?
Guest:I got married, it'll be two years in September.
Marc:For the first time?
Guest:For the first time.
Marc:At the Friars Club.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Jeff was there.
Guest:I was 53.
Guest:I got married for the first time.
Marc:Wow.
Marc:What stopped you before?
Guest:Brains.
Guest:Anybody I would have been married to, I would have been divorced from.
Guest:I didn't think that the institution was necessary.
Guest:I didn't want to have kids.
Guest:By the way, your proof, it never even occurred to me, your proof of all those people in their 40s who are getting pressure, like, when are you going to get married, Marty?
Guest:When are you going to get married?
Guest:When are you going to get married?
Guest:You need to hang out until the right thing happens.
Guest:Until it's the right thing.
Guest:Because your husband's the best, you know?
Guest:And so, like, you waited, and you're going to have a great life the rest of your life.
Guest:What the fuck, you know?
Guest:But if you want to have kids, you can't do that as a woman.
Marc:Right.
Guest:If you want to have kids, you've got that TikTok crap happening.
Marc:Your husband sort of intimidated me.
Marc:Like, he's back there, and I definitely got the sense of, like, you know, like, I'm watching out for her.
Marc:Like, he seemed like a tough... He's got my back.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Yeah, that's what you want.
Guest:You want somebody who's going to protect you and... Oh, shit.
Guest:Protect you from the Marc Marons of the world.
LAUGHTER
Guest:You know what?
Guest:In our wedding vows, he actually said to me, one of his part of the vows was that he was going to protect me from the villains.
Marc:Oh, shit.
Guest:Did he identify any?
Guest:Can I just bring up the Hasidim?
Guest:Yes, please.
Guest:They're all mad at me.
Marc:Oh, are you serious?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:That's not hard to do.
Guest:About two years ago, I played a Hasidic woman, a Lubavitcher.
Guest:I had to wear... It was hot.
Guest:We shot all summer, and I had to wear the... The wig.
Guest:What is it?
Guest:The scheidel.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:So... And the more I kind of delved into it, the more I... Hated it.
Guest:So I was going... It was a Hallmark Hall of Fame movie, and it was on CBS, and I went on The View to...
Guest:Plug it.
Guest:And Barbara says to me, so, darling, what did you learn about the Hasidim?
Guest:And I said, because I'm a comedian, they're not very good dressers.
Guest:You know, I just made a joke.
Guest:Well, forget about it.
Guest:Chabad.com, all over the fucking place.
Guest:I'm an anti-Semite.
Guest:I'm a bigot.
Guest:I'm, you know, everything.
Guest:Like, all over every Chabad thing you can imagine.
Guest:And then I was out in L.A.
Guest:shooting.
Guest:We were shooting that scene in the restaurant with the...
Guest:opera singer that Larry shuts up.
Guest:We're there with Ted and Mary.
Guest:And I get a call from some rabbi in Brooklyn, Joe.
Guest:And this is a... I don't know how he got my number.
Guest:This is a horrible thing that you did and you must fix this.
Guest:And I was like, Rabbi, I'm a comedian.
Guest:You know, it was a joke, okay?
Marc:I'm sorry.
Marc:What does fix it mean to him?
Guest:Well, this is the point.
Guest:I said, well, what do you mean fix it?
Guest:Do you want me to write a letter?
Guest:We want to go on The View and do a Hasidic fashion show.
Oh!
Guest:And that was the only thing that he was going to be happy with.
Guest:And I said, well, guess what?
Guest:I don't have that kind of power to hook you on The View.
Marc:I wish you did.
Guest:You know?
Marc:Oh, you should call Barbara and Joy right now.
Guest:And then I find out the guy has a book coming out.
Guest:So really all he wanted to do was promote his book on The View, and he's making me into the bad guy.
Guest:Oh, what was the book about?
Guest:What?
Guest:I don't know.
Guest:Jism.
Guest:Jism.
Guest:The rabbi wrote a book on the history of jizz.
Marc:You know, I was wondering, you were saying you said jizz him three times backstage, and I'm like, how is he not going to say it when he gets out there?
Marc:Oh, he always does.
Guest:It's like a Tourette's.
Guest:Yeah, a jizzette.
Guest:Hey, you know what I want to say, what I find fascinating is that Hasidim watched The View.
Guest:Exactly.
Guest:What are they doing watching The View?
Guest:That's our only outpost, The View.
Guest:Exactly.
Guest:If it's not coming out of The View, no one will know about the Jews.
Guest:Like if it was a today show, they wouldn't give a shit.
Guest:No, it's The View.
Guest:I know.
Guest:Have you performed for them before?
Guest:The Hasidah?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Years ago.
Guest:Remember Lois Miranda?
Guest:What was that gig?
Guest:Years.
Guest:Did you remember this?
Guest:Did you ever do this gig?
Guest:I kind of do.
Guest:In Borough Park, there was like a cabaret club.
Guest:Yes.
Guest:And they decided to do comedy.
Guest:Oh, my God.
Guest:And I died a fucking death.
Guest:I've never died so hard.
Guest:No, hold on.
Guest:You died a death.
Guest:everyone died to death, and you'd say to them, but I'm a Jew.
Guest:And they'd look at you like you're a big Baptist dunking someone.
Guest:Everything about me was offensive to them.
Guest:That I was a woman up there doing it, that I was a Jewish woman.
Guest:They wanted a minstrel show.
Guest:That's what they wanted, was a minstrel show.
Guest:A Jewish minstrel show?
Guest:No, they don't want Jews.
Guest:I have a theory, by the way.
Guest:I have a theory about Jews and comedy.
Guest:It's a very strong thing.
Guest:Because at Second City, when we did shows for Jews, we used to call them Jews against comedy.
Guest:Because Jewish audiences love you if you're Alan King, if you're Jerry Seinfeld.
Guest:Oh, Alan King.
Guest:Horrible.
Guest:No, I loved Alan King.
Marc:Okay, so we differ.
Guest:We do differ on that one.
Guest:I remember the best comic I ever saw live in my life was Alan King.
Guest:Not kidding.
Guest:What am I supposed to do now?
Guest:Sing a Sheena Easton song and mean it.
Guest:No, but I feel that Jews, if you're somebody famous... They're very judgmental.
Guest:They're very judgmental.
Guest:You could have the best set of your life in front of them, and unless they totally know who you are and they're impressed that you're there, they will just go...
Guest:It couldn't be good.
Guest:We never heard of it.
Guest:Yeah, not so much.
Guest:You know, we saw Jackie Mason when he performed at the Sands.
Guest:You know what I mean?
Guest:Yes, yes.
Guest:That's it.
Guest:That's our big ball of view for audiences.
Marc:My grandmother, my grandma Goldie used to do that.
Marc:She's, you know, we love to see, you ever see, we go to Vegas, we see Don Rickles, and you know, he apologizes very nicely afterwards.
Guest:Ask me who I saw a month ago in Vegas.
Marc:Who'd you see a month ago?
Guest:Don Rickles a month ago in Vegas.
Marc:Did he apologize very nicely?
Guest:He apologized very nicely, yes.
Guest:I don't like that, though.
Guest:Rickles was one of my idols growing up, and I think he's hilarious.
Guest:I don't like that, oh, it's all in fun.
Guest:I'm just kidding, and I love it.
Guest:You want him to mean it?
Guest:Yeah, exactly.
Guest:If you're going to be out there being offensive to people, mean it.
Marc:You don't apologize, do you?
Guest:Never.
Marc:But you can be pretty...
Marc:You can be brutal on stage.
Marc:I've seen you tear some people a new ass.
Guest:You're fucking brutal on stage.
Marc:Your crowd work is like eviscerating.
Marc:I've left feeling less a man.
Guest:That was the point.
Guest:But I'm not going to apologize for it.
Guest:No, I know.
Guest:I know.
Guest:It feels good.
Guest:Can I give a plug here?
Guest:I did a movie that I think needs help at the box office.
Guest:And I did it with Don Rickles.
Guest:It's called Toy Story 3.
Guest:And it's not making enough money.
Guest:And I'm Buttercup the Unicorn, and I think people need to go.
Guest:I just want them to see it.
Marc:Are you giving us a taste of your podcast?
Guest:Can I tell you something?
Guest:The one where you don't need money?
Guest:What, can I tell you something?
Guest:Whatever, Jeff.
Guest:That's not a taste of the podcast, my friend.
Guest:That was my first podcast.
Guest:You know, I have to say, and Jeff, I love Jeff, but I thought that was condescending to hand you that $100 bill.
Marc:Of course it was.
Marc:What about what he said afterwards?
Marc:I'm fucking happy to have it back.
Marc:What did he say afterwards?
Marc:The condescending part was like, I don't need the money.
Guest:You know what's great?
Guest:I'll tell you what, I'll buy you dinner.
Guest:Okay, my wife...
Guest:would be so fucking... You gave him what?
Guest:But because it's a podcast, she'll never know.
Guest:And she knows no one who listens to this.
Guest:She runs in very unhip circles.
Guest:But I happen to have her phone number.
Guest:You tell her shit, I will wrestle you.
Guest:So I'm happy that I gave you the hundred.
Guest:Just don't please tell my wife.
Guest:That's all.
Marc:Can I just say one thing, Jeff?
Marc:I know that that was very funny in the tone of it, the condescension.
Marc:That was cute.
Guest:I didn't mean to be condescending at all.
Guest:You liar.
Guest:Shut the fuck up.
Guest:I just said backstage how much I respect you.
Guest:Did I not?
Guest:I do.
Marc:I love you, man.
Marc:I love you too.
Marc:I've seen you not be funny, though.
Guest:You've seen me not be funny?
Guest:Yeah, well.
Guest:Fucking A, when you don't have an ex.
Guest:By the way, that's one of the penalties of not having an ex.
Guest:Sometimes you go off and everyone goes, what the fuck is this?
Guest:That's not often, but it has happened.
Guest:I'm just warning you.
Guest:Come see me at Caroline's the end of August.
Guest:There's a great chance I'll be funny.
Guest:And there's a slight chance, like of rain, that I might not.
Marc:Was that episode two?
Guest:No, that was episode three.
Guest:Two, I said things that were too shocking and it's unavailable.
Guest:I actually turned and said a few things.
Guest:When are you starting your podcast?
Guest:I already did, tonight.
Guest:I've done three episodes.
Guest:They're not available for download yet, but that was one and three were on your show.
Marc:Is your wife anything like her character?
Guest:No.
Guest:See, I would say yes.
Guest:I'm not like my character.
Guest:No, no, I know that, but I was wondering his wife, his real wife.
Guest:Well, you know, my wife's a mixture.
Guest:She's like a dog.
Guest:She's a Cocker Spaniel.
Guest:No, my wife is a mixture.
Guest:Half of her could not be... I love all of it.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:But half of her is so warm and loving and embraces me.
Guest:And the other half is like her on TV.
Guest:And I don't know when I walk through the door who's going to be there.
Guest:Which is part of the game show aspect of being married.
Guest:What will be there?
Guest:What's behind the door?
Guest:And she's tight with my wife.
Guest:My wife's great.
Guest:But I think that, and they look alike, which is kind of funny.
Guest:Well, she's a blonde version of me.
Guest:Yeah, it's hysterical.
Marc:How fun is it to tell him to fuck off all the time and be filthy and dirty to him?
Guest:On screen?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:It's the most fun I've ever had in my life.
Guest:It is, right?
Guest:The only thing that's more fun than telling him to get the fuck out of the house is telling Larry.
Yeah.
Guest:My favorite thing is to tell Larry to get the fuck out of my house.
Guest:I love that.
Guest:And like last season, it was like five times I kicked him out of the house.
Guest:It's just a great pleasure.
Guest:I got the greatest job in the world.
Guest:And when she does it, there's never a time that he doesn't laugh.
Guest:Take after take after take.
Guest:This time I'm good.
Guest:I'll be all right.
Guest:I'll be okay.
Marc:And then she does it and he fucking roars.
Marc:How long have you known him?
Marc:I mean, you've got a lot of history with Larry.
Guest:I've known Larry probably since 1985-ish, something like that, when he was a comedian.
Guest:Right.
Guest:I met him at Catch a Rising Star, and he was legendary.
Guest:He was the comic's comic.
Marc:Yeah, he would go on stage, and he would open with things like, you're not going to understand me.
Guest:Fuck you.
Guest:Well, sometimes he would just look out at the audience, look at you, and just be like, never mind.
Guest:Just walk off.
Guest:He was talking about that the other day.
Guest:He'd look out and go, no, not tonight.
Guest:I don't think so.
Guest:And he would just leave.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And then he had no ability to adjust.
Guest:If you're all laughing, all he's seeing is that guy back there who's not laughing.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Oh, yeah.
Guest:In the car.
Guest:I think all comics are that way.
Guest:Yeah, but he would... That's like the joke.
Guest:I want to fuck the shit out of you.
Guest:I saw you're the funniest comedian ever.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And the comic goes, you saw me Saturday?
Guest:Which show?
Guest:Early show?
Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest:Because you want to make sure you earned it.
Guest:That was the good one.
Guest:Okay, I'll fuck you.
Guest:Late show, I sucked.
Guest:You want to fuck me?
Guest:That's true.
Guest:However, Larry would focus on that person and then zone in on that person and then just, you know, and then walk off stage and just, you know.
Guest:But most of us, we see them in the front, those people.
Guest:They're always in the front.
Marc:He would see them in the back.
Marc:This guy was doing it for a while, but he turned around.
Marc:There was a point there where I was uncomfortable.
Guest:The idea, by the way, that someone would come here tonight and not want to be here shows what level you're at.
Guest:I'm talking about in terms of anxiety and insecurity.
Guest:It's the idea that you wouldn't assume that everyone here is fucking thrilled to be here, which they are.
Guest:You listen to his podcast, don't you?
Guest:And you're a big fan.
Guest:But somehow he found in you the, he doesn't like me.
Guest:Everyone here likes you.
Guest:They love you.
Guest:You were just listening.
Guest:You know what, Mark?
Guest:He was just listening in technically.
Guest:There's one guy in the audience who's so filled with self-loathing that he listens to your show because he hates you so much.
Marc:I know.
Marc:He wrote me an email.
Marc:I appreciate everything that's going on.
Marc:I don't mean to be so insecure.
Marc:I apologize.
Marc:I appreciate you listening.
Guest:No, but I think he loves you so much that he was just like going into like a zone place of just soaking it all up.
Guest:Just soak, you know, just like... By the way, I've learned the hard way that just because they're not laughing doesn't mean they don't like you.
Marc:No, that's true.
Marc:But I also find when people sit in front, they can see right through to the sadness.
Marc:So...
Guest:Yeah, it's true.
Marc:Like, it doesn't really break apart the funny to, like, three rows back.
Marc:That's the safe seat.
Marc:It's not because I'm going to be abusive, but, like, there's no way for me to hide the pain here.
Marc:Look how close you are.
Marc:All you're seeing is, like, you know, you feel that tug of, like, you know, poorly parented man needs help.
Marc:Those people three rows back, I don't feel that at all.
Marc:They're just like, well, he's a little uncomfortable, but he's funny, but you actually feel my need for proper parenting.
Yeah.
Marc:It's weird now, right?
Guest:You don't have kids, right?
Marc:I don't have kids.
Marc:Do you have them?
Marc:No, you don't have them either.
Guest:Well, I have four stepkids.
Marc:Oh, he's got... So that worked out then.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:Did you want them?
Guest:Did I want them?
Guest:Did you plan for them?
Guest:I never had... Did you use protection when you first met him?
Guest:No, but now I have them and they're great.
Guest:How old are they?
Guest:They're almost 17, 19, 20, and 22.
Guest:Okay.
Marc:Oh, so they're done.
Guest:No, they're not done.
Guest:They're never done.
Marc:Oh, that's for sure.
Guest:They're needy, needy, needy, nonstop, daily.
Marc:I like the love that you have in your voice.
Guest:It's not a bad thing at all.
Guest:They look to you.
Marc:Now let's talk about this book.
Marc:Your book, What Would Susie Say?
Guest:Bullshit wisdom about love, life, and comedy.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:So is it just you?
Guest:From Simon & Schuster, available...
Guest:Now.
Guest:Available now.
Guest:Paperback comes out in October.
Guest:Her audio book is as read by the author.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:That's it.
Marc:Is Leonard Nimoy involved?
Guest:No, Leonard Nimoy is not involved.
Guest:I wasn't as brilliant as Jeff.
Marc:So the book is your wisdom, like little tidbits?
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:Do you do advice?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:You do?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Do you have advice for people?
Marc:For you?
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:Ask a specific question.
Guest:Ask a specific question.
Marc:You're dating how old's your girlfriend?
Marc:27.
Guest:She's 27.
Guest:And what are you now?
Marc:46.
Marc:You're 46?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:That much younger than me?
Guest:You're not 46.
Marc:Why would I lie about that?
Marc:Now all of a sudden, I'm 46.
Marc:Okay.
Marc:Yeah, I was married to a Jew.
Marc:I stopped.
Guest:How old were you married?
Marc:I was married the first time for like three and a half years.
Marc:I was with her for nine.
Guest:What was her name?
Marc:Kim.
Guest:Yeah, I remember her.
Marc:Oh.
Marc:And I was married to a non-Jew for a few years.
Marc:I was with her like seven or eight years.
Guest:What's her name?
Marc:Mishnah, a non-Jew.
Guest:I remember her.
Guest:I remember her.
Marc:Yes, I remember her too.
Guest:Very thin, right?
Guest:Yes.
Guest:Very, very thin.
Guest:Yes.
Guest:Don't ever marry a thin woman.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:It's a kiss of fucking death.
Guest:Really?
Guest:Yes.
Guest:Why?
Guest:Because then they lose the pressure to stay that way.
Marc:Uh-huh.
Marc:You're saying that, like, I should just get someone heavy right at the gate?
Guest:Not heavy, just normal.
Marc:Oh.
Guest:You know, she was like anorexic-y thing.
Guest:Heavy is not normal?
Guest:No, Jeff, no, now you're normal.
Guest:Call me a fat fucking real life.
Guest:Why don't you?
Guest:When did heavy not be normal?
Guest:What's normal?
Guest:No, I mean not a big, you know, I mean just a regular, a regular rated person.
Guest:You're digging your hole bigger on this one.
Guest:And you never do.
Guest:You know what I think.
Guest:I love fat women.
Guest:If you're a big woman, I want to fuck you.
Guest:I like thin ones, too, but I want to just put it out there, the big ones I like.
Guest:All right.
Guest:Well, that's good, Jeff.
Guest:I can't fuck you because I'm married, but I want to fuck you.
Guest:You're married to a regular-sized woman.
Marc:Don't you do like a... Am I getting something wrong, or is one of your new bits that you actually call back something about your dick and the size of it...
Marc:Like there's like, you know, you look in the mirror.
Guest:Oh, no, no, no.
Guest:That was the thing.
Guest:Setting me up for a bit.
Guest:Well, you have one.
Guest:No, no, but my thing was if I was, I said that if I was a young guy on the scene, if you will, I would never talk about the size of my dick.
Guest:I would only talk about how clean it is.
Guest:And I would say to one, do you want a big, dirty cock or an average-sized penis that sparkles?
Guest:Sparkles.
Guest:You could do your makeup in the reflection off my penis.
Guest:I would always think that the sparkly dick would be what you'd want.
Guest:And if someone wants a big, dirty cock, you don't want to be with them anyhow.
Guest:Jeff Garland.
Guest:The size thing is overrated.
Guest:Thank you.
Guest:The size thing is overrated.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:But clean is good.
Guest:Who doesn't love a good clean cock?
Marc:Clean and fat is good.
Marc:I am clean and fat.
Marc:Are you talking about penis?
Marc:Yeah, the penis.
Marc:Like girth.
Marc:Girth is important.
Marc:A good fat.
Guest:Merv Griffin's important?
Marc:Merv Griffin and girth and a cock.
Guest:Girth.
Guest:Girth.
Marc:And what's the TV show before we go?
Guest:Oh, Curb the Discussion on TV Guide Channel.
Guest:It's where we analyze.
Guest:They show an episode.
Guest:It's syndicated on TV Guide.
Guest:That's good for you.
Guest:You get more money.
Guest:He doesn't care about money.
Guest:He doesn't need it.
Guest:So they show an episode of Curb, and then I have a panel discussion much like this with four people where we discuss Larry's behavior.
Marc:Sweet.
Marc:Susie Yesman, ladies and gentlemen.
Marc:Jeff Garland.
Guest:Gary Goldman, Joe Mandy, thank you for coming to Comics of New York.
Guest:Kick on the music.
Guest:They're gone.
Guest:You're a great audience.
Marc:Go to WTFPod.com for all your needs, and I love you guys.
Marc:These are my friends.
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