BONUS WTF Rarities - The Blue Show
Bye.
Guest:Okay, Full Marin listeners, this is Brendan, and this is another WTF rarity.
Guest:And this is a big one.
Guest:This is one a lot of people have been asking for for a long time, and it has not been available on any kind of premium site of ours.
Guest:So we're putting it back up on the Full Marin.
Guest:This was recorded on September 15th, 2010, released February 21st, 2011.
Guest:And the reason we held on to it for so long is because back then we were doing premium episodes that you could purchase a la carte.
Guest:Eventually, these wound up being part of the initial WTF app that was part of our service Libsyn.
Guest:And this was the second of two shows taped that night.
Guest:The earlier one became episode 110.
Guest:in the regular WTF feed.
Guest:And this one was held back as one of those premium a la carte episodes that you could purchase.
Guest:And Mark called it the blue show because he intentionally wanted to book the dirtiest, filthiest comics he could find.
Guest:And this was like of the two shows we did that night, the late night show, right?
Guest:The
Guest:The one where you stay late because it gets a little blue.
Guest:He wanted it to be kind of throwback to that kind of transgressive, dirty humor.
Guest:And he found some very dirty people.
Guest:Dave Attell, Bobby Kelly, Kurt Metzger, Anthony Jeselnik, and Joe DeRosa.
Guest:Then at the end of this episode, a special appearance by Amy Schumer.
Guest:Amy Schumer, who was awesome.
Guest:In the early days of her stand-up career and happened to be there that day, she was not booked as part of the show.
Guest:She came with Anthony Jeselnik and she was backstage.
Guest:And at the end of this, she is invited out.
Guest:And you get a good sense of why Amy became a big name in comedy after this.
Guest:She was ready to roll from the start.
Guest:And it's funny, I sometimes come on here and give like a little warning.
Guest:This is stuff that was recorded over a decade ago.
Guest:It's maybe not measuring up to the sensibilities of today.
Guest:And I figured because this one is the blue show, I would be giving a much more explicit warning about that.
Guest:And
Guest:I went back and listened to this and I, you know, I've got to say, obviously there's filthy stuff in here, especially when Bobby Kelly comes out, some really sexually explicit stuff about his love life with his wife, I should add.
Guest:But, you know, and so if that's not your thing, this might not be your episode, but,
Guest:But honestly, for a show that's already called The Blue Show, there's not a whole lot more warning that I could give you.
Guest:I will say these are obviously guys who are talking about being bad at relationships, working through their own flaws.
Guest:I don't think any of them.
Guest:Specifically, Mark would say that they were particularly enlightened about the way they were dealing with the women in their lives at the time.
Guest:But I also think this is all pretty honest stuff, and I think you could just take it for what it was, a show that was recorded late night, September 15th, 2010, live from Comics Comedy Club in New York City.
Guest:Lock the gap!
Guest:Are we doing this?
Marc:Really?
Marc:Wait for it.
Marc:Are we doing this?
Marc:Wait for it.
Marc:Pow!
Marc:What the fuck?
Marc:And it's also, eh, what the fuck?
Marc:What's wrong with me?
Marc:It's time for WTF.
Marc:What the fuck?
Marc:With Mark Matthews.
Marc:All right.
Marc:Live What the Fuck in Comics, New York.
Marc:Let's do this, what the fuckers, what the fuck buddies, what the fucking ears, what the fuck nicks.
Marc:Welcome to the show.
Marc:I'm glad you could all make it.
Marc:We got an amazing fucking show this show.
Marc:How do you feel about it?
Marc:Backstage, I've got Dave Attell.
Marc:I got Bobby Kelly.
Marc:I got Anthony Jeselnik.
Marc:Joe DeRosa.
Marc:Kurt Metzger.
Marc:I got new t-shirts.
Marc:All right, all you fucking assholes, don't make fun of my cats.
Marc:Here's the new shirt.
Marc:All right, it's yours.
Marc:Happy birthday.
Marc:Because I know there's some fucking dog guys in here, and I don't want to hear any shit.
Marc:That's my cats.
Marc:JustCoffee.coop is my sponsor.
Marc:Who wants one?
Marc:Pow, go shit your pants.
Marc:Oh my God, this is going to be a fucking wild show.
Marc:I've decided that I'm done pretending like I'm not an angry, filthy fuck.
Marc:I'm just done with it.
Marc:I'm in a new relationship, which means I'm an angry, filthy fuck.
Marc:I'm going out with a girl that I fight with constantly.
Marc:And I call that love.
Marc:Isn't that nice?
Marc:But it's one of those things where, like, I'm going out with this girl.
Marc:She's younger than me.
Marc:You know that.
Marc:Fine.
Marc:But literally, I had thought for some miracle.
Marc:Some of you know about my past.
Marc:Some of you know that I've destroyed two marriages because sometimes I'm a little intense.
Marc:And I talk at a higher decibel level.
Marc:And the women I date seem to have, like, I don't have an anger problem.
Marc:I believe they have tonal issues.
Marc:But I'm starting to think that maybe I do have a problem and I thought it would go away.
Marc:I don't know what it is about like I was I was always sort of an asshole when it came to tolerating women in my life.
Marc:And I really after the divorce, I just dated a bunch of women I didn't really care about.
Marc:And I just spitefully had sex with them thinking it would hurt my ex-wife.
Marc:Now, and I'm not going to talk about this too long.
Marc:I'm just trying to be honest.
Marc:Now, for some reason, I thought the anger would just go away as I got older.
Marc:But as soon as I started dating this girl, it all came back.
Marc:And now I'm the guy, this happened, and I'm not proud of this, but I was on the subway reading this.
Marc:I'm on the subway reading, letting go of anger.
Marc:Publicly reading, letting go of anger.
Marc:And there were moments where I'd see dudes judging me.
Marc:I'd be like, fuck off.
Marc:And then I wanted to say, like, I'm just starting it.
Marc:So I have no idea.
Marc:I imagine there's a way to resolve whatever just happened between us in that second.
Marc:But I'm just starting the book.
Marc:And apparently, it's so fucking horrendous.
Marc:They break it down into, like, 11 types of anger.
Marc:And the saddest thing about this is a fan sent me this book out of concern.
Marc:A nice gesture.
Marc:He sent me this book, and he wrote this book, helped me a lot, and then he just writes, I'm shame-based anger.
Marc:So then I'm like, well, nice to meet you, shame-based anger.
Marc:What anger am I?
Marc:And then I'm going through the different angers, and then it says, what do you do when you get angry?
Marc:And there's a checklist that's supposed to break it down so you can figure out what kind of anger you are.
Marc:I checked yes on every box.
Marc:Do I get some sort of prize?
Marc:Should I write the authors and proudly say, I am all 11.
Marc:Let's see if your fucking book works, douchebag.
Marc:And I'd write that laugh at the end.
Marc:Okay, here are the different types.
Marc:Anger avoidance.
Marc:That's not me.
Marc:Apparently, there are people that when they get angry, they just go like that.
Marc:And I believe that's what causes cancer.
Marc:It's not toxins.
Marc:It's not chemicals.
Marc:Here's how you get cancer is every time you go, God damn it, tumors just sprout in your chest with your parents' faces on them.
Marc:Okay, here are the different angers.
Marc:Anger avoidance.
Marc:Not really me, though I did check yes on all those boxes.
Marc:Sneaky anger.
Marc:I've got to read about that one.
Marc:Because what is sneaky anger?
Marc:When you're mad at somebody as they're walking by and then you go, fucking asshole.
Marc:Anger turned inward.
Marc:This I know about.
Marc:This I know about, because can we explore something for a minute, if I can be open with you?
Marc:I'm trying to work it out with this girl, and I realize something.
Marc:This is who I am emotionally, and I want to share, because I know there are some angry dudes out here that think I'm being a pussy by sharing this, but I'm going to go ahead and share it.
Marc:Here's what happens.
Marc:If a woman gets too close to me and I actually open my heart, usually my heart opens, and out of my heart comes this fist just flipping her off, like, fuck you, like this.
Marc:And then if she looks at that and goes, that's not going to work, then I just start gently going poof, poof, hitting her with my heart, right?
Marc:And then she starts crying and goes away, and then my fist goes back into my heart and starts hitting me from the inside until a woman sees that and goes, look at that sad fuck hitting himself.
Marc:I can help him.
Marc:And then the whole cycle starts again.
Marc:So that's anger turned inward, my style of anger turned inward.
Marc:Then there's shame-based anger, which I don't understand at all.
Marc:I guess it's sort of like, I'm an asshole, I'm a douchebag, everyone's going to pay.
Marc:Deliberate anger, one of my hobbies.
Marc:Habitual hostility, that's number, habitual hostility.
Marc:That's my whole act.
Marc:See, now this is my concern about solving my anger.
Marc:How funny would I be if people were like, what's up, Mark?
Marc:And I'm like, everything's good.
Marc:Everything's great.
Marc:Letting go of anger.
Marc:Shit.
Marc:Couple of emails.
Marc:My girlfriend and I just got YMCA memberships.
Marc:This is from Chris.
Marc:Trying to get in shape.
Marc:I'm realizing that at 32 years old, this beer belly probably isn't going to disappear on its own.
Marc:Fine.
Marc:Anyhow, I've never seen as many naked cocks in one place as in the fucking YMCA locker room.
Marc:Naked dudes everywhere.
Marc:Am I approved for wearing a towel after I get out of the shower?
Marc:It seems like all these guys are drip drying.
Marc:Should I just let it swing like everyone else?
Marc:Can everyone tell that I'm checking out their dongs to see how I measure up?
Marc:I seem to hang in there, ha.
Marc:All right.
Marc:And isn't being barefoot in the locker room a great way to get an athlete's foot?
Marc:I kind of feel like a pussy for being the only guy to wear flip-flops.
Marc:But I'd rather be slightly pussy-ish than have my feet fall off.
Marc:I don't know.
Marc:My high school didn't have a shower or gym class culture, and I never really played sports, so I'm new to the whole naked with boys thing.
Marc:Am I a priss or is everyone gross?
Marc:What the fuck?
Marc:This guy should be in prison.
Marc:After a certain point, you're just going to have to accept your dick as your dick and get on with it.
Marc:And the greatest thing about being at a Y, especially at a YMCA and not like a fashion gym, is like literally at the YMCA, you see 90-year-old men dragging their fucking balls around in the locker room.
Marc:And they made it to 90.
Marc:So on some level, you've got to look at a naked 90-year-old and think, if I'm lucky, that's what's going to happen.
Marc:If I make it that far, that's the best thing that can happen is I'm wrestling my testicles into a jockstrap.
Marc:That's the big payoff.
Marc:Here's one for Bobby.
Marc:Oh, here you go.
Marc:Yesterday, this is from Tony.
Marc:My fiance told me that eight years ago when she was in college, she and her then boyfriend were fooling around and he recorded it on his webcam.
Marc:She was upset while telling me and at least appeared worried that I would be angry.
Marc:I wasn't, but not for the reasons you might think.
Marc:I would estimate I've seen about 75 to 80% of the garden variety amateur porn out there.
Marc:I'm pretty sure that whatever video exists of the woman I'm going to marry performing a sex act has not been widely distributed on the web.
Marc:I would have seen it by now.
Marc:But then he says, I almost told her this.
Marc:But as I've gotten older, I've become much better at filtering what I'm about to say.
Marc:So I guess the fact is, I'm not upset about the sex tape, but I would be if it were a heavy hitter on a site like amateurboobtube.com.
Marc:What the fuck?
Marc:And the only reason I'm mad at Tony is that I didn't know about amateurboobtube.com, and now I've got something to add to my sad hobby.
Okay.
Marc:Which is what I like to see it as.
Marc:It's just a hobby.
Marc:It's not a sexual thing.
Marc:It's something I do when I should be writing something.
Marc:Mark, this is from Oliver.
Marc:Just wanted to say that I thought the two-part interview with Carlos Mencia was fantastic.
Marc:Great job.
Marc:I'm not a huge comedy fanatic, but I love interview shows.
Marc:You are the love child of Terry Gross and Howard Stern, right?
Marc:I guess so.
Marc:Let's start the show, folks.
Thank you.
Marc:Thank you for the flowers.
Marc:I forgot who gave them to me.
Marc:This is the right crew of guys to have flowers out.
Marc:My first guest has a CD about to be released, I think maybe tomorrow.
Marc:He'll tell us the name of that.
Marc:He's also going to be appearing on an episode or two of Bored to Death this season.
Marc:Please welcome Joe DeRosa to the stage.
Marc:Joe DeRosa.
Guest:Hi, how are you, man?
Guest:I'm good, man.
Guest:Thanks for having me.
Guest:That was hilarious.
Guest:Oh, thank you.
Marc:I'm very happy you're here.
Marc:I think you're a very intense, funny, difficult man.
Guest:Thank you.
Guest:You are absolutely right.
Guest:You just described my eHarmony profile.
Marc:The first time I met you, you were one of the few people where I actually thought, like, holy fuck, that guy's much more intense than me.
Marc:I feel relieved.
Guest:That's true.
Guest:The first time I met you, I remember I was sitting on the train with Mark, and we were talking, and I told him some story about freaking out at somebody.
Guest:And I was like...
Guest:I was accusing this person of just doing... You know when you do something to somebody to prove a point where you go, hey, man, I see what you're doing right now, and that's not the way I roll.
Guest:Be respectful, okay?
Guest:And then a week later, they regurgitate that same argument back to you.
Guest:You're like, fuck you.
Guest:That's my line.
Guest:You're just doing that to be an asshole right now.
Guest:I was telling them this story, and somebody did that to me, and I flipped out on this girl, and she cried.
Guest:Hold on.
Marc:What kind of anger are you?
Marc:Let's see.
Marc:I got the book...
Guest:I think it's paranoid anger.
Marc:You got mad at somebody for being an asshole in the same way you were an asshole?
Guest:Exactly.
Guest:Exactly.
Guest:I'm like, that's my asshole.
Guest:You can't steal my type of asshole from me just to try to be an asshole to combat my asshole.
Guest:You know what I mean?
Guest:How did I help you?
Guest:You didn't.
Guest:You just went, you got to fucking chill out, man.
Guest:And I was like, did Mark just tell me?
Guest:I'm fucked.
Guest:I'm way over the edge here.
Guest:What's the album called?
Guest:The depression auction.
Guest:Because that's what comedy is.
Guest:It's airing the depression, auctioning it off to the audience and hoping they take it home with them and somehow you get rid of it.
Marc:I hope you wrote that on the back sleeve.
Marc:I didn't.
Marc:I know, that was goofy.
Guest:I'm sorry.
Marc:No, no, I've released three records.
Marc:One called Not Sold Out, Tickets Still Available, and Final Engagement.
Marc:And my manager always used to say, why are people going to buy those fucking records?
Marc:Depression auction.
Marc:You see that in the record bin?
Marc:You're like, oh, this is going to be funny.
Guest:I wanted to call it, it's fuck time at the shit party, dickhead.
Guest:That's what I wanted to call it.
Guest:What happened to that?
Guest:You know Jake Johansson, right?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I told Jake Johansson that title.
Guest:We were laughing.
Guest:He actually, we came up together and we were laughing so hard and I was like, dude, I'm going to call my album that.
Guest:And he goes, don't call your album that, man.
Guest:There will be people in their 50s that want to be your fan.
Guest:Right.
Guest:They want to buy this.
Marc:And depression auction is much more appealing to them.
Guest:Yes.
Guest:Well, yeah.
Guest:Better than shit party.
Guest:Do the whole thing again?
Guest:It's fuck time at the shit party, dickhead.
Guest:Wouldn't you have to say that before you murdered somebody?
Guest:Like, if you're ever going to get revenge on somebody, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to do it.
Guest:Hey, shh.
Guest:It's fuck time at the shit party, dickhead.
Marc:I would be laughing all the way to the cash register if that was what the album was called.
Marc:Next one, next one.
Marc:Sophomore effort.
Marc:Explain to me the poetry of Depression Auction, though.
Marc:I mean, does it represent something?
Marc:How does that work in your mind?
Guest:There's a bit on the album called The Depression Auction where I ask the audience, like, hey, I get depressed.
Guest:Anybody else?
Guest:And believe it or not, people don't jump to applaud...
Guest:when you ask them that question.
Guest:So then I go, come on, everybody, let's have a depression auction.
Guest:And, you know, anybody besides me eat double-meat cheesesteaks to compensate for the fact that they're adopted?
Guest:Anybody?
Guest:Anyone at all?
Guest:Anyone else hump their comforter while they cry into their pillow?
Guest:Anyone at all?
Guest:Anyone play PSP on the toilet for so long your feet and hands go numb?
Guest:Anyone?
Guest:Anyone?
Guest:Anyone use the word nemesis instead of God?
Guest:Anybody else?
Guest:Oh, that's smart.
Marc:Nemesis.
Marc:I think it sums it all up.
Marc:Screaming at this guy, I defy you to love me.
Guest:Have you ever done that?
Guest:I'm an atheist, but when I believed in God... Committed, though?
Marc:Committed?
Marc:Are you like a guy that's sort of fanatical about atheism?
Marc:If people believe, you're like, you're a fucking...
Marc:Moron.
Guest:No, no, no.
Guest:Because, you know, the best quote I've ever heard or stance I've ever heard on atheism is, look, you can't have any more proof about atheism than you can about anything else.
Guest:You can't go at people about it.
Guest:You know what I mean?
Guest:Because then you're like a Bible thumper.
Guest:You just have to say, this is what I think, and that's it, you know?
Guest:So that's how I am.
Guest:But when I did believe in God, there were many times where I literally pointed to my ceiling and yelled the word cocksucker, pointing up at him.
Guest:It's like...
Guest:I'm fucked up, dude.
Guest:I got to buy this book.
Marc:I don't know.
Marc:I just love that because I don't talk to God at home, but I'll say things in general.
Marc:Like what?
Marc:I'll just say, you're a fucking idiot.
Marc:But I'm not talking to God.
Marc:I'm talking to me after I've just gone through a second pint of ice cream.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I was hanging out with Bill Burr yesterday at my apartment, and we were watching a YouTube clip of a woman trying to, some fitness show, trying to shoot watermelons out of a slingshot.
Guest:That's great.
Guest:Some of you guys have seen it.
Guest:So we're watching, and Burr's like, DeRosa, you gotta see this.
Guest:This chick's gonna take a watermelon right in the face.
Guest:It's hilarious.
Guest:so she pulls the the slingshot back it backfires watermelon hits this chick directly in the face explodes and yeah you're like dude is she dead right now oh my god but of course the person running the fitness show is some hot model that's never had to do a stitch of work in her fucking life ever and she walks over and she's like are you okay and the girl goes i can't feel my face
Guest:And the host model lady goes, well, get back up and shoot the rest of those watermelons.
Guest:There's no quitting or you're disqualified.
Guest:And Billy's laughing and I got so mad, I literally leaned down to the screen of the computer and I go, fuck you, you're a fucking cunt, like that.
Guest:And then he was like, what the fuck is wrong with you, dude?
Guest:It just makes shit like that.
Marc:But it's hard to decide who the cunt is or who the moron is.
Marc:Did she get up and continue the fucking game?
Marc:Or did she realize in that moment, I'm slinging watermelons for attention.
Guest:The clip cut off there.
Guest:Nobody was interested after exploding watermelon.
Marc:So I'm dating, and the anger comes out more when I'm dating.
Marc:Now, what is your experience with women with being as intense and selfish and angry and depressed as you are?
Guest:It's actually funny that you ask that, because I just recently had dinner with a girl that dumped me because she saw me have a meltdown at Shoe Mania.
LAUGHTER
Guest:This place sucks.
Guest:Any place with signs that says 70% off, it sucks.
Guest:It's not going to be good.
Guest:There's no way.
Marc:What was it based on?
Guest:Okay, so I go into Shoe Mania.
Marc:This is going to be important, I know.
Guest:Yeah, I go into Shoe Mania, 70% off, can't wait to get some shoes.
Guest:For those of you that have never been to Shoe Mania, this is how it works.
Guest:You walk in, it's chaos.
Guest:There's no air conditioning.
Guest:You're sweating to death.
Guest:You say to a guy, after a half hour trying to flag down a salesman, you finally go, can I have these Converse in gray, please?
Guest:And then it's like waiting for a kidney, basically.
Guest:You sit there.
Marc:Filling out paperwork.
Guest:And two hours later, when you're ready to punch a mannequin or some shit, the guy comes back with the shoes and he goes, you wanted them in blue, right?
Guest:And you're like, ah, you, ah!
Guest:Right?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:So I'm angry.
Guest:It's such an arduous... By the time you get to the register, I'm like, I don't even know if I want these shoes anymore.
Guest:I don't even know if I like these things.
Guest:So I'm going to buy them, and the lady behind the counter sucks, and she's being an asshole.
Guest:And I'm all angry, and I just go, look, if I don't like these, I won't wear them.
Guest:What's the policy on refunds?
Guest:And as she's swiping the card through the machine, she goes, no refunds.
Guest:Sorry.
Sorry.
Guest:Shit.
Guest:And I go, yeah?
Guest:You fucking tell me where it says that!
Guest:And she goes, it says it right there.
Guest:Oh, there's a sign right next to my head, of course.
Guest:But no refunds is written this big.
Guest:You know what I mean?
Guest:So I'm furious.
Guest:And I walk out of the store with the girl and I'm expecting support, of course.
Guest:Because when you're angry, it's like you're like Hitler.
Guest:You're like, everybody gets it, right?
Guest:You know what I mean?
Guest:And she looks at me and she goes, what?
Guest:What was that?
Guest:And I go, what was that?
Guest:I'll fucking tell you what that was.
Guest:And I'm doing it all again, thinking she's on my side.
Marc:And then she just goes, I can't do this.
Marc:I'll get you a copy of this book.
Marc:Joe DeRozzo, ladies and gentlemen.
Marc:Awesome.
Marc:No, you can sit right here, Joe.
Marc:Yeah, or maybe, no, I don't want you all the way down there.
Marc:Yeah, sit right here.
Marc:Yeah, fucking Joe is awesome.
Marc:Thanks.
Marc:New album's out.
Marc:Depression Auction.
Guest:Yeah, it's out now.
Marc:This next guy's got an album coming out tomorrow, I think, as well.
Marc:He was a writer for the Jimmy Fallon Show.
Marc:I don't know if he still is writing.
Marc:Is he still writing on that show?
Marc:No, I don't think so.
Marc:He's a darkly funny man.
Marc:He does a type of humor that is very hard to pull off, but he's so fucking charming and good at it.
Marc:Please welcome Anthony Jeselnik, ladies and gentlemen.
Marc:Thank you.
Marc:Hey, buddy.
Marc:Hey, man.
Marc:This guy's too attractive to be a comedian.
Marc:Do you get that a lot?
Guest:I get it a lot, yeah.
Guest:I'm way too attractive to be hanging out with you guys.
Marc:I just remembered, and I hope I'm not talking out of school here.
Marc:I probably am, though.
Marc:I'm going, if you guys are interested, I'm supposed to interview Louis tomorrow.
Marc:So I don't know when that's going to be on, but I'm supposed to interview Louis tomorrow.
Marc:And I remember when Jay Morris started coming up.
Marc:Back in the day, he was like 17.
Marc:He was full of energy.
Marc:He was really cute.
Marc:He had all his hair.
Marc:And he was just a fucking star of the New York comedy scene.
Marc:And Louis was like, it wasn't for them!
Marc:It wasn't for attractive people.
Marc:It was for us.
Marc:All right?
Marc:It was for fat, ugly fucking people, and now these attractive people are coming in doing comedy.
Marc:What the fuck is that?
Marc:I just want to do Letterman before I'm fat and bald.
Marc:And then he was like, oh, fuck.
Marc:But you're doing good.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Yeah, Jay Moore didn't ruin it for me.
Guest:I'm still holding my own.
Marc:It's pretty good.
Marc:Now, I don't know if people know.
Marc:Your album's called what?
Marc:Shakespeare?
Guest:Shakespeare, yeah.
Marc:But, like, Jezelnik, now he's sitting right here and I'm going to talk about him.
Marc:There's a... No, it's good.
Marc:It's good.
Marc:Because your jokes are so fucking dark and they're so morally dubious that in order for an audience to take them in and laugh at them, it takes some real fucking skill.
Marc:And somehow by another, you've managed to do that.
Marc:And I have to assume that there were points in your career where people were like, no.
Guest:Oh, yeah.
Guest:Oh, yeah.
Guest:Still, to this day.
Guest:I mean, I bomb...
Guest:30% of the time, at best.
Guest:That is awesome.
Guest:I've been doing this, you know, long enough to do a fucking album.
Guest:You know, and I mean, just because Joe did one doesn't mean it's easy to do an album on it.
Guest:still but but what happens do people get people because you you do jokes that people i could see people are like no like i've had people i've done jokes where people like no and that's all they say no oh totally totally i mean you know i've got jokes about you know babies dying suicide uh abortion all you know all the big ones is that one joke
Guest:I'll retire once I write that joke.
Guest:I mean, that's like, don't think that's not a fucking goal.
Guest:But yeah, if someone has had that happen to them, there's no way they're going to laugh.
Marc:Yeah, but you try, which is good.
Guest:It hasn't happened to me, so what do I give a fuck?
Guest:You know what I mean?
Guest:That's the spirit.
Guest:I feel sorry for that person, but I'm also like, I've got another set to do.
Yeah.
Marc:Like, what is... Like, in your mind, what is the most... See, you like doing that, though.
Marc:You obviously like making the audience go, oh, no, uh-uh.
Guest:Well, because you're just saying it.
Guest:It's just words.
Guest:You know what I mean?
Guest:It's like, I made up someone who killed themselves.
Guest:They didn't really kill themselves.
Guest:No one should ever be upset.
Guest:You know, your friend or your dad or your family member, they're still dead.
Guest:Regardless of what I say or make a joke about.
Guest:You know, there's no...
Guest:I feel no responsibility to you as a person.
Guest:I'm a comedian saying what I think is funny.
Guest:I don't think fucking Bruce Willis was like, oh, I'm making Die Hard right now, but people have really been killed in terrorist attacks.
Guest:Should I take this on my shoulders?
Guest:No, you make the fucking movie, and you're a star, and that's, you know, what I've done.
Guest:That's your plan?
Guest:That's what I've done.
Guest:Bruce Willis does have that baby suicide movie coming out.
Thank you.
Guest:That's going to, I think, going to be different.
Marc:And it's a comedy, which is weird.
Guest:It's hilarious.
Marc:The posters are hilarious.
Marc:Just Willis with that smirk surrounded by dead babies.
Marc:Have you seen them?
Marc:It's hilarious.
Guest:And the sub, what's it called?
Guest:The tag on the poster is, it's fuck time at the shit party.
Get that.
Guest:Wait, I think they already made that movie.
Guest:It was called North.
Marc:So what is the one joke that you know... Because you know, because I can see it on your face.
Marc:You just know when you're winding up to pitch one out that it's going to be the one that's going to be the most fucking difficult for them to digest.
Guest:Oh, totally.
Guest:But I'm flawed enough as a comedian that I always think this one's going to get them.
Guest:I think this is going to bring it all back.
Guest:And I have...
Marc:Okay.
Marc:All right.
Marc:So what's your saver?
Marc:Like the one that's like, if all else fails, this is it.
Guest:I remember first going on the road and thinking like I would be bombing, like dying, like dead silent, joke to joke.
Guest:It's all like 20 second jokes.
Guest:And I'm thinking, I've got this one about a baby drowning in a bathtub.
Guest:that has been setting the Los Angeles open mic scene on fire.
Guest:And when they hear this, they're going to realize how dumb they've been this whole show not to laugh at me.
Guest:And I would get to that one, and I would be excited.
Guest:What was the joke?
Guest:It was, you don't know anything about pain until you've seen your own baby drowned in a tub.
Guest:And you definitely don't know anything about how to wash a baby.
Guest:And that...
Guest:That is not a life preserver for my set.
Guest:You know, that's like a lead balloon.
Marc:You do a joke about suicide, and I actually got attacked on stage doing a suicide joke, and I think I've told this audience about that.
Marc:Yeah, like that was crazy, because I never get attacked on stage, but I brought up suicide, and some guy was like, don't talk about suicide, and literally ended up attacking me.
Marc:Now, have you ever had that experience?
No.
Guest:No one's ever yelled at me.
Guest:I have people come up to me afterwards and be like, you should not talk about that.
Guest:You should not say anything.
Guest:And it's always, I'm always so annoyed that they would feel like they can come up to me and say that.
Guest:I feel like a comedian is no different from a director or an author.
Guest:It's like if I write a book where a character kills themselves, no one gets upset about that and is like, we need to talk about what you made this character go through.
Guest:It's like, I just wrote that joke because the words match up, because they're funny.
Guest:It's not like, you know, I'm like, it makes me insane that someone could feel like they could come up and try to correct a man.
Guest:I'm a professional.
Marc:Now, when you wrote jokes for Fallon, do you still write over there?
Guest:No, I quit like six months ago.
Marc:So, now, when you wrote jokes for Fallon, were any of them jokes, did they have problems with them?
Guest:Oh, constantly.
Guest:Like, you know, it was a fun job, but we're writing jokes for Jimmy Fallon to do.
Guest:And our sensibilities don't really match.
LAUGHTER
Guest:And I would be like, this is hilarious, and they'd be like, not for Jimmy.
Guest:You know, someone died.
Guest:Like, it would get to the point where it would be like, you know, someone got hit by, like a deer ran into a guy on the street.
Guest:And I would write a joke about it, and they'd be like, but you know the guy died, so you can't make a joke.
Guest:So I would try to be like, no, no, no, he's still alive.
Guest:He's still alive.
Guest:He's in, like, a coma.
Guest:But, like, his family's cool with it.
Guest:And then by the end of the day, he'd be like, Anthony, we've got to cut that joke.
Guest:You can't do it.
Marc:Was there ever censorship problems?
Guest:No, it was mostly just, like, it's not Jimmy's style.
Guest:It wasn't as much like we can't say this.
Guest:And he would even laugh and be like, this is a funny joke, but I can't say something racist in my monologue.
Guest:And I'm like, all right, I get it.
Marc:What are you closing with now?
Guest:Now I'm closing with my suicide joke.
Guest:Oh, okay.
Guest:I have a whole story.
Guest:I told that suicide joke in the... What I found out later on was the suicide capital of the country.
Guest:What is that?
Guest:Where is that?
Guest:It was Great Barrington, Massachusetts.
Marc:It used to be Lemonster, Massachusetts.
Marc:I wonder if that's nearby.
Marc:Great Barrington, Massachusetts.
Guest:I'm sure it is.
Marc:So you're closing... Did you know that going in?
Guest:I told the story.
Guest:No, I had no idea.
Guest:I was doing great, and then I told this joke, and the audience just flat... What is a joke?
Guest:I love Shakespeare, you know, favorite author of all time.
Guest:And people say it's, you know, impractical to read so much Shakespeare.
Guest:But if I hadn't read Romeo and Juliet, I would have totally overreacted when my fiancée killed herself.
Guest:And...
Guest:And then I tell the story of the crowd just being like, fuck you.
Guest:And then a guy being like, this is the suicide capital of the country, asshole.
Guest:And then how I dealt with that situation.
Marc:But did you deal with the situation by saying, so this joke is for you?
Guest:Well, I said I had three options.
Guest:One was to apologize to everybody.
Guest:Say, I'm really sorry, you guys, but that's not my style.
Guest:The second option was to point out the obvious to everyone, which is, you should all move.
Guest:And then what I did was just say, well, fuck, fuck this place.
Guest:The only good thing I can say about this town is the suicide rate isn't as high as it should be.
Guest:And then I'm going to laugh through that.
Marc:Anthony Jezelnik, ladies and gentlemen.
Marc:Okay, he's got to go.
Marc:All right, thanks a lot, man.
Marc:Oh, God.
Marc:I love jokes like that.
Marc:Let's keep... He's good, man.
Marc:The album's called Shakespeare.
Marc:Your album's called Depression Auction.
Marc:Big night for albums.
Marc:I don't know if Kurt's got one.
Marc:Let's get him out here.
Marc:This guy I've worked with before.
Marc:We used to write together on a... Well, he wrote jokes for me on a failed television project called the American version of Nevermind the Buzzcocks.
Marc:Let me try and think of a great Kurt Metzger joke.
Marc:The show was all about, you know, it was music-based.
Marc:And the joke was something along the line where Dexy's Midnight Runners, whose hit was Come On Irene, they've now done a follow-up song, and it's called Get Irene a Towel.
Marc:Please welcome Kurt Metzger to the stage.
Marc:Do you remember that?
Guest:Yeah, a lot of great jizz jokes on that show.
Marc:I remember hanging out with you.
Marc:The most interesting thing is that you... Now, be honest.
Marc:Can we be open about this?
Marc:You were a Jehovah's Witness.
Guest:Yeah, yeah.
Marc:I was a minister, dude.
Marc:You were what?
Marc:A minister.
Marc:You were a Jehovah's Witness minister?
Marc:Does that mean you were the top of the pyramid scheme that made them go out and give people watchtower books?
Guest:No, that's the worst thing.
Guest:There's not really a prize.
Guest:You couldn't really get rich from it.
Guest:That's one of the main faults of that religion.
Marc:Which one?
Because you can't...
Guest:It's like nobody's getting loaded from Jehovah's Witnessing.
Guest:Why?
Guest:There's something wrong with it, I guess.
Guest:You got a bad model.
Marc:Did you go to people's houses?
Guest:Yeah, and here's how much they don't make money.
Guest:Because it used to be like they'd have these hardcover books.
Guest:And then one year all the books were just softcover.
Guest:And then they were just like tracks.
Guest:I guess God doesn't want us to have hardcover books.
I don't know.
Guest:Like, did he want to ask for money?
Guest:Like, it's God's decision.
Guest:And, like, he was like, fuck that hard color.
Marc:But isn't there, like, no dancing and, like, you can't do anything?
Marc:Yes, there's no dancing.
Guest:I grew up in Footloose Town, and then I escaped and got my first Nevermind the Bucks.
Marc:But isn't it like that?
Guest:No.
Guest:No, it's just like they don't vote.
Guest:They don't get involved in politics, which I don't even fault them for.
Guest:And they don't celebrate like any holiday because for some reason all fun is something from Big Dev.
Guest:I don't get how that works, but literally every holiday you have, there's some pagan reason that you can't do it.
Guest:So that's their whole fucking fetish.
Guest:And they're knocking on doors.
Guest:That's the biggest pain in the ass because people are not into that.
Guest:You know?
Guest:I had no conscience about it.
Guest:I actually kind of like bothering people at home a lot.
Guest:You're like, oh, I'm so embarrassed.
Guest:I love knocking on that door.
Guest:It's like, why are you here?
Guest:I'm like, I don't know, but when you decide you have to deal with it now.
Guest:But that's not the right reason to get into that.
Guest:Something with Jesus was the right reason.
Guest:But did you go into people's houses?
Guest:Yeah, people invite you.
Guest:That's the thing.
Guest:I like to see if people would have, who would invite me in their house on site?
Guest:You know?
Guest:That's a lot of skill, dude.
Guest:My weird rape phase at your house.
Guest:Can I come in and have some water and tell you about God?
Guest:And people would do that.
Guest:Dude, I've known you for seven years and I want you in my fucking house.
Guest:He doesn't like it.
Guest:So when did you have your riff with the church?
Guest:I started getting pussy in college.
Guest:It wasn't even like an intellectual thing.
Guest:I was just getting pussy.
Guest:I was like, oh, I guess this is way better.
Guest:Thank God.
Guest:I mean, I...
Guest:But I remember thinking I made a decision.
Guest:But it wasn't that.
Guest:It was just fucking this girl.
Guest:And I was like, well, fuck that shit.
Guest:How can they tell me this is bad?
Guest:Going to church fucking sucks, dude.
Guest:I had one of these moms that really made it not fun.
Guest:When I was a kid, because they're real big on not being violent.
Guest:So when I was a kid, my mom took all the guns off my Star Wars men to make me less violent.
Guest:Those action figures.
Guest:That is the action.
Guest:The gun part.
Guest:Now I have dolls that I play with.
Guest:This is like, or I remember we were in church, his brother Tucker, he was like this southern, he was almost like a southern evangelical style guy, the way he spoke, but he was doing some sermon, he goes, do you know there's a video game out right now where you can pull out a human heart?
Guest:He was talking about Mortal Kombat, dude, and I was like, oh shit, I wish I was playing that right now instead.
Guest:You can pull a guy's fucking heart out.
Guest:You know how awesome that is?
Guest:She took the guns off the soldier guys?
Guest:All the guns.
Guest:And then, like, there were little snitch shows with his kids that would, like, offer up their guns from their... Do you know what I mean?
Guest:Dude, I, like, destroyed all my guns with my guy.
Guest:Like... Pathetic, dude.
Guest:It taught me to be a liar and a suck-up, that whole...
Marc:Faith, basically.
Marc:That's what I learned from that.
Marc:And then you, like, but then now you become this, like, don't you, who is it?
Marc:Weren't you the guy that I was talking to about, like, that cynic, who's the guy, the head of the American Cynic Society?
Marc:Don't you get their newsletter and shit?
Marc:Oh, skeptic.
Marc:Skeptic, yeah.
Guest:Oh, yeah.
Guest:Oh, yeah, I did, you know what, it wasn't just pussy.
Guest:I started reading a bunch of skeptical shit, too.
Guest:There was that.
Marc:Now, do you have any patience at all for people who believe in anything?
Guest:Yeah, but I don't, not for like, you know, you know, there's like a certain group that you can't fuck with their favorite book because, you know, it's like a special needs child.
Guest:Don't take his blanket away.
Guest:And I can't, you can't say who they are because I don't want to get killed with a fucking curvy sword, but let me tell you something.
Guest:If somebody over there burned something really important to me, like, I don't know, Dianetics or something holy, I wouldn't give a shit.
Guest:Do you know any Scientologists?
Guest:No, dude, but I think that's the only other thing that could fuck you up that bad, like burning books, is Koran and Dianetics.
Guest:Scientologists will come after you, dude.
Guest:They will?
Guest:Legally?
Guest:Even when I'm writing on shows, if we just have jokes we want to write, everybody will get weird.
Guest:Like, let's not do the Scientology.
Guest:Really?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Just at Comedy Central, those shows.
Guest:Really?
Guest:Well, they have that thing with Tom Cruise.
Guest:You know, like Tom Cruise owns half of something that owns something.
Guest:Oh, that's really what it's at?
Marc:That they're part of the infrastructure of show business?
Guest:Well, it's a pain in the ass to go through that for whatever my lame-ass Scientology joke was going to be.
Marc:They're fucking...
Marc:all over Los Angeles they're all over what you know what upsets me the most about people with faith is they have all this weird unfounded confidence like if you ever met a Scientologist like how are you and I'm like why the fuck are you so happy
Marc:Like, what are you doing to fuck your brain into being happy all the time?
Guest:Yeah, well, it's not like Scientology has led to some kind of science, you know, which makes you good at acting.
Guest:That's the big contribution.
Guest:You'll be really good for how shitty you are at acting.
Marc:But really, how good are those actors?
Marc:A lot better than they would be without Scientology.
Yeah.
Marc:If you think about Tom Cruise as an actor, it seems that his only gift is to focus intensely on things.
Marc:He's only good if he's hanging from something or he's got a wheelchair.
Marc:He's very good at intense focus and charisma.
Guest:It's the same focus that would help you be really into Kim Jong-il in North Korea.
Guest:You don't have that same intensity of this is...
Marc:You mean the threat of death if you don't like somebody?
Marc:But there's that weird, like, you've been broken at the end of 1984 love.
Marc:Oh, yeah.
Marc:Yeah, comedy is doing that to me.
Marc:So, now, do you got a record coming out?
Guest:Yeah, I don't have a title for it.
Guest:I was going to call it merch, but I don't know what to do.
Guest:That was going to be my title.
Guest:That's a great title.
Guest:That is a great title.
Guest:All right.
Marc:It's called Merch.
Marc:When's it coming out?
Guest:I don't know.
Guest:They're editing it now.
Marc:Oh, yeah.
Marc:Who's doing it?
Marc:Who's putting it out?
Guest:Comic Central.
Marc:Oh, really?
Marc:That's good.
Marc:That's good for you.
Marc:Well, that's Kurt Metzger, ladies and gentlemen.
Marc:You good?
Marc:This next guy is, you know, you hear him a lot on ONA.
Marc:You know, he was in tourgasm.
Marc:He's very funny.
Marc:He makes me incredibly uncomfortable in a very genuine and caring way.
Marc:Please welcome Robert Kelly to the stage.
Marc:Thank you.
Guest:Like you
Guest:Did you realize your vigilante sidekick Joe DeRosa would be here in a similar jacket?
Guest:I'm actually glad you actually spoke.
Guest:He's been sitting there like a fucking lump.
Guest:What?
Guest:You can talk, Joe.
Guest:Yeah, I know.
Guest:I'm letting the guy shine a little bit.
Guest:You know what I mean?
Guest:He's gonna let you shine.
Guest:This actually looks like the evolution of Marc Maron.
This...
Guest:started on a bald dick joke moved on to writing and then got glasses and then fixed his fucking hair this is great did you see the book?
Guest:letting go of yeah right we'd all be fucking failures if we let go of that that's my biggest fear is that I get too healthy that I just will be fucking normal and not funny yeah I can tell you right now honestly that's never gonna fucking happen
Guest:You're too far.
Guest:This is the sad part.
Guest:I'm the most fucking normal guy on this panel right now.
Guest:I just don't look it.
Guest:Wait a minute.
Guest:I'm the most normal guy, dude.
Guest:Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Guest:I specifically remember telling you that I felt weird because I got a blowjob with a pinky up the ass and I like it a lot.
Guest:And you go, dude, I got an all fours and I said, eat my pussy to my wife.
Guest:Not to my wife.
Guest:I would never do that to my wife.
Guest:I love my wife.
Guest:Really?
Guest:No.
Guest:Some chick from Bananas Comedy Club in Jersey.
Guest:But you said, eat my pussy?
Guest:I would never say that to my wife.
Guest:That's disrespectful.
Marc:Wait, wait.
Marc:Isn't the real issue you saying eat my pussy?
Marc:No, it's to my wife.
Guest:What are you going to call it?
Guest:I'm on all fours and she's going... It's a pussy at that point.
Marc:You know what?
Marc:You are the most normal.
Marc:That's a fact.
Marc:But you're also the guy that told me the story about the girl who gagged eating your ass.
Guest:Yeah, that happened.
Guest:Well, you can't always run to the bathroom.
Guest:You know, give me five minutes and clean up everything.
Guest:Especially when you're over at Jim Norton's apartment.
Guest:I...
Guest:I think... I think what you need to worry about is the girl that doesn't gag when she's eating an asshole.
Guest:If she's taking it down like a Boston cream donut, you're like, okay.
Guest:This is the funny part.
Guest:You actually heard... There was something... It wasn't just the taste.
Guest:There's some party that wants you.
Guest:There was some type of kidney bean skin or a... There was something that she had to go...
Marc:Is it wrong that the first response I'm having is I want to apologize to everybody?
Guest:You never had your ass eaten out?
Guest:Look at me.
Guest:Don't look at them.
Guest:I hate when you do this.
Guest:Have you ever had your ass eaten?
Guest:Have you ever had your knees pulled up further than they should be?
Guest:Yes!
Guest:Good man.
Guest:You're not a real man unless you get your ass eaten out in my book.
Guest:Does that make you a real man?
Guest:That makes you a real man?
Guest:Yes!
Guest:Yeah, what are you, a freedom date?
Guest:No, you're a fucking man.
Marc:No, no, no, no, no.
Marc:I'm glad you bring that up because it did happen right after my bar mitzvah.
Marc:So, you know...
Marc:At the bar mitzvah party, I didn't realize it was part of the ritual, but the rabbi said shut up.
Guest:Jesus.
Marc:You didn't think I had it in me, didn't you?
Guest:No, I didn't.
Guest:Mark, he didn't say shut up, he said shut... No, no, no.
Marc:No, no, that was the rabbi.
Marc:And I thought he was speaking Hebrew.
Guest:I just got that.
Guest:I did.
Guest:I get it.
Marc:So where do we go from that?
Guest:Fucking, I don't know.
Marc:To balls?
Yeah.
Marc:No, you seem like a guy that probably shaves everything.
Guest:No, I actually, I just got my, my wife's an esthetician.
Guest:You know what that is?
Guest:An anesthetician?
Guest:No, not an anesthetician.
Guest:What is it?
Guest:Ladies, ladies, no.
Guest:Yeah, not nails.
Guest:That's a Chinese lady.
Marc:Isn't it Korean?
Guest:No, it's Korean.
Guest:They're different.
Guest:No, it's not.
Guest:It's a different kind of Chinese.
Guest:They pop zits and they wax vaginas.
Marc:Okay.
Guest:My wife's waxed some famous Britney Spears.
Guest:Really?
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:Some famous dirty vaginas?
Guest:Yeah, some famous fucking Gucci's.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And she actually waxed my ass like three weeks ago.
Guest:Uh-huh.
Guest:Yeah, it's a very... I can't believe that women, you guys actually take care of your vaginas so well.
Guest:Wait, why did she wax it?
Guest:You said she doesn't eat your ass out.
Guest:She doesn't eat my ass.
Guest:She put me on the bed just to wash my cheeks.
Guest:How long did that take?
Guest:The cheeks were fucking two seconds in her, but she wanted to get inside.
Guest:Because she didn't like it.
Guest:Which doesn't make sense, because it's not like I'm opening my ass, waking her up every day, like, get up.
Guest:And she just throws up.
Marc:I think that everything you've said up to this point would make us probably believe that that would happen.
Guest:No, it's my wife, I told you.
Guest:I don't do that to my wife.
Marc:So you have this weird Madonna whore thing where you, what do you do with your wife?
Marc:You just sit and look at each other?
Marc:It's so weird that we're trying to have a kid now.
Marc:Oh, no.
Guest:And we're having, you know, you're supposed to have sex, but I'm so trying to keep my eyes open and look at her and really take her in while I'm coming in her.
Guest:Because I don't want her to get pregnant and me thinking of some fucking Guatemalan prostitute.
Guest:And then I have to look at my kid every day and just think of his real mother.
Guest:You know?
Marc:Jesus Christ.
Marc:It's hard.
Marc:It's fucking to fuck both of you.
Guest:You really have like a movie gangster townie blue collar mentality like I've never seen.
Guest:Well, I can't ask my wife to suck my dick.
Guest:She kissed my kids with that mouth.
Guest:I love my wife.
Guest:I'm happily married.
Guest:I'm the only one
Guest:on this panel with a healthy relationship.
Guest:What's the matter with mine?
Marc:Let's back up.
Marc:This is a healthy relationship.
Marc:You have to force yourself to pay attention to fucking so you're not thinking about a hooker.
Guest:Because I'm actually trying to do it and I'm outing it and I'm talking about it.
Guest:Yes, that's fucking healthy.
Guest:I'm like you cowards who just do it.
Guest:Who just shut your face and fuck a Guatemalan chick and then raise your kid.
Marc:Wait a minute.
Marc:Wait, you're talking about fucking an imaginary Guatemalan chick.
Guest:Yes, when you go through that Rolodex in your head, you know, fucking this chick, oh, that chick, and the chick away at my house.
Marc:But I don't do that when I'm fucking somebody that I'm fucking.
Guest:I think about who I'm with, Bobby.
Guest:Wait a minute, when you're fucking somebody that you're fucking... What?
Marc:I'm joking.
Guest:Sorry, I didn't hear.
Guest:I was trying to let you say it.
Guest:When you're fucking the girl you're with, you... Now, I'm not talking at the beginning, because that's easy.
Guest:I'm talking about... I mean, year after... I've been with my wife for 14 years.
Guest:You would think about... Not totally.
Guest:Like, three years.
Guest:For like three years, we've been...
Guest:What do you mean?
Guest:You get it.
Guest:We've known each other on and off with you, but you don't think of anybody else.
Guest:You can just look at that person and that's it.
Guest:That does it for you.
Marc:Yeah, you just pick up the pace.
Marc:You go a little faster.
Guest:It just stays hard and you're into that.
Guest:If you pick up the pace.
Guest:What if you got porn on, dude?
Guest:That's when you start fucking a porn, right?
Yeah.
Guest:What do you mean?
Guest:Like that many years in, that's when you start fucking a porn.
Guest:Well, that's the fucked up thing is that we're taught, you know, porn.
Guest:I watch so much porn.
Guest:I had to stop.
Guest:My therapist told me to not use a computer.
Guest:Like to use a typewriter to like write jokes or whatever I'm going to write.
Guest:Because I literally, hey, fucking.
Guest:And then I'm tube-aid and I'm fucking.
Guest:I got pre-cum.
Guest:My dick is just shiny like it's in wax.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Three hours later to find that exact... Not that one, not that one, not that one.
Guest:Not that one, not that one.
Guest:My dogs are just looking at me like... I can hear them just... Your therapist must just love you.
Guest:Well, you know, my therapist is a fucking ass.
Marc:You know what Dr. Steve said, though?
Marc:He said that if you jerk off a lot, your primary sexual partner is yourself.
Marc:And that in order to be intimate with somebody else, you have to stop doing that so you can acknowledge somebody else is there, which I think you're doing and I'm proud of you.
Guest:Dr. Steve's a fucking dickhead.
Guest:Yeah, he sounds like a jerk-off, dude, really.
Guest:This is what it is, is that... You can't jerk off and have really... You know what happens is that you... I agree with that.
Guest:Yeah, because you're a smart man.
Guest:These guys are animals.
Guest:You actually get... What happens is that you're home a lot, and she walks around naked.
Guest:Don't rationalize it.
Guest:She walks around naked.
Guest:She's in the shower naked.
Guest:You see each other.
Guest:You get desensitized... To her?
Guest:...to seeing her.
Guest:So I actually told my wife to stop...
Guest:I don't want you coming to the bathroom.
Guest:I don't want to take showers.
Guest:Let's just fucking save it because I see you naked.
Guest:You see me naked all the time.
Guest:You get desensitized to that.
Marc:You don't get desensitized from watching Bukkake movies for six hours a fucking day?
Marc:There's a million of them.
Guest:They're all different.
Guest:There's thousands.
Guest:If you had one Bukkake movie, yes, I would.
Guest:There's a million of them.
Marc:The argument is that your wife is what's desensitized to you?
Huh?
Guest:God damn it, I was trying to get to that.
Guest:What?
Guest:No one heard anything.
Guest:A cocky movie is a snowflake, really.
Guest:A beautiful, unique snowflake.
Guest:Thank you.
Guest:I checked the placement, dude.
Guest:I'm like, I don't like the placement of that shot.
Guest:And I'll fast forward to the perfect, like, one across the bridge.
Guest:One across the bridge.
Guest:It grosses me out like a lake.
Guest:A little bit of surprise.
Guest:I agreed to this, but I didn't expect this much.
Guest:A little pause right at the end.
Guest:There
Guest:That is the problem when you're trying to build a relationship.
Guest:If you jerk off too much in the middle of having sex with a person you're supposed to be enjoying it with, I turn into my dad when I would help him build the shed.
Guest:And it's like, oh, for Christ's sake, I'll just do it my fucking self right now.
Guest:You know how to do it better.
Guest:You have to stop yanking at your shit.
Guest:You know what I'm saying?
Guest:Because it fucks you up because you know exactly how to make it work.
Guest:You know exactly how to make yourself come.
Guest:And then you're doing all the shit you're saying where you're going right to the specific...
Guest:That's what creeps me about the specific part of the video where you go, oh, look how you can see a little cellulite when she puts her leg up right there.
Marc:That's right when I want to... You know what's weird is I feel like the entire audience is just detached and they're just watching four sick fucks.
Marc:Like, literally, they just, like, this seems to be between them and it's gotten beyond our understanding.
Marc:Are you really going to segue?
Marc:Try to segue.
Marc:You're talking about having children.
Marc:That's wonderful.
Marc:I really do.
Marc:I want to have a kid.
Guest:I want to have a child.
Thank you.
Guest:I want to have a chat.
Guest:But the funny part is that, you know, we grew up in the generation of not, you know, wear rubber or pull out.
Guest:You don't get a girl pregnant.
Guest:You don't want to get aged.
Guest:And now it's like I have this opportunity to come inside of somebody, the green light, fill it up.
Guest:And I don't know really what, like, it's uncomfortable.
Guest:It's freaky, right?
Guest:Yeah, you're like, oh, God, I shouldn't.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:Yeah, I feel like it's disrespectful.
Guest:Like, yeah, clean that with your pussy, you know?
Guest:Like, no more half-wet, dry towel for you, bitch.
Guest:It's like, I just leave.
Marc:Oh, man, you're going to be such a great father.
Guest:I am.
Guest:I am.
Guest:I'm going to be fantastic.
Marc:Let's bring a towel out here.
Marc:Bobby Kelly, ladies and gentlemen.
Marc:Where are you going?
Marc:She moved down.
Marc:Yeah.
Yeah.
Marc:I think this next guy really needs no introduction, but he changed the game, and I would go as far as to say he was a tremendous influence on everything you've seen tonight.
Marc:Please welcome David Tell to the stage.
Guest:Mark and panel, I just want to say right now, I'm about to sit down for cancer.
Guest:Hey, Mark, this is kind of like Comic-Con without the cool sci-fi movies.
Guest:You know, this is like a glum festival I've never seen.
Guest:And poor fucking Joe, you're like one guest away from working at a Whole Foods somewhere.
Guest:I mean, honestly.
Guest:Is this The Apprentice?
Guest:Like, once you bring out the last... But do you know any people who are black or just someone with a pussy?
Guest:I mean, is it all white people?
Guest:Is that it?
Guest:Only white people on a podcast.
Guest:The brothers get the message out with ringtones and rap.
Guest:There was a black guy here, but I think he left.
Guest:No, he just... He's working in the kitchen.
So...
Guest:By the way, congratulations from your new look.
Guest:I hear you're going to be on the HBO Boardwalk Empire.
Guest:I play a hot dog salesman in the 1920s.
Guest:Get your red heart.
Guest:Here comes Capone.
Guest:Did someone bring up Shoe Mania?
Guest:Yeah, Joe.
Guest:Oh, fuck.
Guest:Give the waitstaff a hand, everyone.
Guest:Come on.
Guest:You'll be emotionally mind-fucked by the panel after the show.
Guest:What about Shoe Mania?
Guest:No, I thought that was an excellent grab, by the way, the shoe thing right up front.
Guest:But we went right from shoe to, like, Anthony's CD to... Kerr was talking about the Koran, which I thought was a joke bag, and nobody went for it.
Guest:Everybody was afraid.
Guest:And then we went... He had to bring it back up with the ass-eating-out-of-Guatemala and whatever, which is, I guess, an ode to the Chilean miners who are trapped.
LAUGHTER
Guest:How about a shout out to Jose and to my Chilean bros trapped two miles down.
Marc:What the fuck are they going to do down there for months?
Guest:They're going to eat each other's asses.
Guest:What do you think they're going to do?
Guest:They're sucking each other off.
Guest:What do you think?
Guest:That's such a great question.
Guest:Are we allowed to ask questions or it only has to be tweeted and podcasted in?
Guest:How does a podcast work?
Marc:You can ask.
Marc:It's being recorded and then people... It is!
Guest:Is this played on some half a fag's Blackberry as he gets on a plane somewhere?
Guest:Before the 30 Rock Marathon comes on?
Guest:Holy shit!
Guest:I hope someone who knows Larry David kind of sees this and talks about it to someone who knows fucking Favaro or something.
Guest:Mark.
Guest:What?
Guest:Let's talk about that Chilean minor thing.
Marc:Okay.
Guest:Now...
Guest:Let's bring your black fan in to help us out on this since...
Guest:There's 22 guys trapped down there, which is perfect.
Guest:Just enough for a soccer team.
Guest:They can play each other soccer.
Guest:That's the first month.
Guest:That's the first month.
Guest:It's going to take three months to get them out.
Guest:They're going to be really trained.
Guest:They're going to be ready to go.
Guest:What would you do?
Guest:You're trapped in a coal mine.
Guest:We all know you're trapped in a world of shame and guilt and hate.
Guest:What would you do?
Guest:Let's go through the panel here.
Guest:I hate to take over.
Marc:Honestly, if I was trapped... What would you do, Joe, if you were trapped in a coal mine?
Marc:I'm sorry, say again?
Marc:You didn't hear the question?
Guest:I couldn't hear, Joey, because there's a whore talking.
Guest:Shut your fucking cunt, you stupid bitch.
Guest:White men are talking.
Guest:Black guy, get over there and hit her with your big fucking black cock.
Guest:Somebody take control.
Guest:What were you saying, Joe?
Guest:Something about shoe mania?
Guest:Go ahead, please.
Guest:That's my wife, Dave.
Guest:That's my wife.
Guest:I apologize.
Guest:I don't talk to her like that.
Guest:Discipline your chick.
Guest:Knock her fucking teeth out so she can eat your ass properly.
Guest:Continue.
Guest:Yes!
Guest:Let a white fucking man talk, alright?
Guest:Oh my God.
Marc:What happens after that?
Marc:You know, years ago, Dave.
Guest:I like how you're like the way back guy.
Guest:Back then, you're like Joe Franklin without the vaudeville.
Guest:In 1978, an Olivia Newton-John rollerbladed into my office.
Guest:But that's not gonna happen now.
Guest:Oh, by the way, for everyone listening at home, Aziz isn't coming.
Guest:I'm sorry, so you can turn off the podcast right now.
Guest:Shuffle down to your next... You're not bitter, are you?
Guest:I'm not bitter at all.
Guest:I'm having the best time of my life.
Guest:I love these guys.
Guest:They're all fucking great comics.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:You got a great audience.
Guest:I mean, honestly, I got to say the word cunt.
Guest:And this is like, a podcast is like what?
Guest:Almost Radio, which is kind of sort of like TV.
Guest:So this is great.
Guest:Thanks for having me on your kind of sort of like TV show, Mark.
Marc:i usually do them in the garage now yeah exactly how how did you get the idea for the podcast now we all know it was not um our manager we used to have the same manager yeah yeah no no he you know he uh he didn't even know what a podcast was no idea no they didn't know what i was doing neither does my father though this is what i wanted to bring up you said you said one of the most amazing things to me that and i'll never forget it because we we back when we started do you remember
Guest:Jesus Christ, did like the most annoying fan bite you?
Guest:Is that what it is?
Guest:Five years ago you said something to me and then you looked at something.
Guest:What was that about?
Guest:Alright, I don't know.
Guest:Alcohol.
Guest:I'm a fucking drunk.
Marc:Do you need a beer?
Guest:No, no, I'm good.
Marc:Alright, alright.
Marc:Did you stop drinking?
Guest:Yeah, I did.
Marc:How was that going?
Guest:Oh, it's great.
Guest:Back in the day, you, me, Gary Busey, oh boy, we used to hit it.
Guest:On the set of Airwolf, I swear to God.
Guest:People, look at you, how cool your fans are.
Guest:This guy bought like a, is that a book that you want him to like read to you or something?
Guest:What is that?
Guest:What is that, dude?
Guest:I know it's not for me.
Guest:It's not the Koran, is it?
Marc:Holy fuck, I don't even know what it is by looking at it.
Marc:What is it?
Guest:Oh, it's like a graphic novel.
Marc:Oh, yeah, all the DMZ stuff.
Marc:Thanks, man.
Marc:This looks pretty complicated.
Marc:Do you read comics?
Guest:I do, but Mark, you have all these cool fans.
Guest:You've got to answer all their emails, and they have questions and shit.
Guest:That's a lot of work for you.
Guest:That really cuts into your self-hate time.
Guest:It really must like...
Guest:You just have to set a timer, like, you know, two more emails, one more tweet, and then back to hating myself.
Guest:I mean, honestly, you know, the office is closed.
Guest:The buffet of sadness begins.
Guest:Now, I know you're political, but not political enough to get your own cable show.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Now, let me ask you why.
Guest:Don't you think Mark should have his own cable show?
Yeah.
Guest:This would be the best right here.
Guest:Because Bobby and I, we're more like, well, I'm like a libertarian.
Guest:What do you mean you're a libertarian?
Guest:I want to fuck a chick in the ass as she's getting an abortion.
Guest:That's what I want.
Guest:And then we pull the switch on a death penalty guy.
Guest:That's what I want to do.
Guest:As we're both doing blow off a 14-year-old boy's ad.
Guest:I want everything legal.
Guest:And you're like, what are you again?
Guest:Some kind of green?
Marc:I would just like to have everybody have what they need.
Guest:What do you guys think about this mosque thing?
Guest:Can we talk about it?
Marc:Sure, sure.
Guest:What do you want as we think about it?
Guest:Okay, this is what I think.
Guest:First of all, let's put it in perspective.
Marc:Okay.
Marc:Okay, ready?
Marc:Right.
Guest:We had some laughs, didn't we, Joe, right?
Guest:Yeah, we did.
Guest:We had some laughs.
Guest:Yeah, we did.
Guest:We had a couple of chugging.
Guest:Let's get back to podcast business here.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:Okay, really.
Okay.
Guest:important issues that are never solved.
Guest:Mosque or no mosque?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Let's pretend you're a boss, I'm Netanyahu, and nothing's going to get done here.
Marc:Okay.
Guest:Let's pretend.
Guest:All right.
Guest:Let's play Middle East piece.
Marc:Okay.
Marc:Who are we?
Guest:Okay, here we go.
Guest:Who are you guys?
Guest:I don't know, the guys who came on before me.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:All right, I don't know.
Guest:Sorry.
Guest:Very true.
Marc:All right, so mosque or no mosque?
Guest:Okay, there's a little place called the Alamo, all right?
Guest:And right next door is a Taco Bell, and it's a little inappropriate, if you ask me.
Okay.
Guest:Until about four in the morning when you're wasted.
Guest:Then you're like, where the fuck is that taco bell?
Guest:I want some tacos.
Guest:All right.
Guest:Now, what should we build at that site?
Guest:I'm thinking a building with a gigantic finger that points at the mosque for why it happened.
Guest:But, um...
Guest:No, kids come in, they go push this button to see why it happened.
Guest:And then you just see this.
Guest:Cry, cry, cry, cry.
Guest:Airborne all the way.
Guest:Now, I know Mark.
Guest:I remember when the thing first happened.
Guest:I saw you walking the streets with your hands up wearing a turban.
Guest:Now, I know you immediately wanted to surrender to our hated enemies.
Guest:I remember when it happened, you immediately put on a turban and started beating a woman for reading a book.
Guest:And I think it was this kid's graphic novel.
Guest:No, there's a lot of great comics out there, and like I said it before, and I wasn't lying, you, of course, were one of my favorites.
Guest:Do you still do comedy, or is this... I mean, honestly.
Guest:No, I mean, do you do stand-up, or is this like what you do?
Guest:Like some kind of Last Summer?
Marc:I just remember that every time...
Marc:Every time you did any joke that remotely had any political tinge to it, I get these weird phone calls.
Marc:You'd be like, Mark, it's a tell.
Marc:Do you do anything about wiping your ass with the Bible?
Guest:To give Mark credit, he does have some of the best religious stuff.
Guest:And all that stuff he says about his family and stuff is so true.
Guest:Especially, you know, the you and your dad thing.
Guest:Like, you know, there's a show coming out with William Shatner called Shit My Dad Says.
Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest:I think you should do one shit my dad never says.
Guest:You know, I love you.
Guest:You're going to make it.
Guest:You're all right.
Guest:That would be your show.
Guest:Because his fucking father, this fucking douchebag,
Marc:That's what you said to me years ago.
Marc:I got a car from my dad, and you said, where'd you get that car?
Marc:It was a 93 Honda.
Marc:I said, it used to be on my dad's, and there's only 150,000 miles on it.
Marc:He said, wow, that's a lot of running away.
Marc:Yeah, he ran away.
Marc:His dad's a fucking runner.
Marc:That was fucking beautiful.
Marc:David Tell, ladies and gentlemen.
That's it?
Wow.
Wow.
Guest:Hey, Mark.
Guest:Yes, sir.
Guest:Is the next round the ladies?
Guest:Do they come out and try and take us down?
Guest:Is that what it is?
Marc:We can have a lady come out here.
Guest:Yeah, really.
Guest:Why don't we get Amy Schumer's back there?
Guest:Have her come out and, like, you know.
Guest:All right, Amy Schumer, come on out.
Marc:Amy.
Marc:Are you there?
Marc:This is probably your biggest nightmare.
Marc:Like, after a tell, just a level.
Marc:Yay!
Marc:Here, sit over here.
Marc:Surprise guest, Amy Schumer.
Guest:Thank you.
Marc:Thank you.
Marc:I'm sorry, did I surprise you?
Guest:A little bit.
Guest:I'm half in the bag, to be honest with you.
Guest:But I've been laughing my ass off in the bag.
Marc:Well, now, okay, so this is about the filthiest panel of men that have ever... I'm not going to be a good representative.
Guest:I'm pretty filthy myself, to be honest with you.
Marc:Where do you stand on ass-eating?
Guest:I've done it.
Guest:I've had it done.
Guest:I never sign up for it, you know?
Guest:But, I mean, it's like anything else.
Guest:When it happens, it happens.
Guest:It's like rain, you know?
Guest:My view's on porn, but my, like, my fantasy life is very different than what I actually want.
Guest:Like, I like to watch, like, this is my fantasy.
Guest:Like, I like to watch a lot of guys with one girl, you know?
Guest:Not usually angry comics.
Guest:Like, usually they're black and happy, but...
Guest:But in actuality, I would never want that to happen.
Guest:It's hard enough to tell one dude you don't feel like it anymore.
Guest:Imagine having to look around and be like, hey, somebody feels bloated.
Guest:Group cuddle.
Guest:Tell them the best porn.
Guest:This is like at the cellar.
Guest:What the best porn?
Guest:Kurt had just discovered it, and I was so excited.
Guest:It's a casting session.
Guest:This is my favorite.
Guest:It's a casting session.
Guest:And it's like, she doesn't know.
Guest:Like, I'm not a real casting director.
Guest:And these girls show up.
Marc:Oh, yeah, I've seen those.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:You've seen them, right?
Guest:I'm obsessed.
Guest:Because no matter what, like, you just flash forward to, like, it's like, oh, I don't know.
Guest:I really shouldn't.
Guest:My boyfriend's here.
Guest:And then it's just a girl bending over, opening her ass.
Guest:Just to show.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:It looks like they really didn't know, dude.
Guest:What?
Guest:It looks like they really didn't know.
Wait.
Guest:Chris is like, is it real?
Guest:I'm like, I think it's real.
Marc:So you believe it?
Marc:You don't really think they know?
Marc:Well, I don't know if they do it.
Marc:My question is, is everybody fucking doing porn?
Marc:I mean, I cannot believe the amount of porn there is out there.
Marc:I met some people that listen to the podcast.
Marc:They were in Bloomington, Indiana, and they're a couple that does porn.
Marc:And they're like, let us come to your show and show you what we do.
Marc:And I really didn't know what the fuck my place in that was.
Marc:It made me uncomfortable.
Marc:I was sort of like, maybe this is something I should do.
Marc:But then I'm like, I don't know if I need that kind of exposure to be the sad guy wondering how I fit into a fucking threesome.
Guest:You could fund down an orgy.
Guest:That's your fucking problem.
Guest:It could be like two fucking super hot 18-year-old twins.
Guest:They just turned 18 that second.
Guest:Hey, we want you to fuck every hole in our body.
Guest:You'd be like, yeah, but global warming.
Guest:You're so fucking, just you fucking suck.
Guest:And there's so many people on this panel.
Guest:Me and Bobby are now like a Russian fucking bear team.
Guest:Yeah, look at you guys.
Yeah.
Marc:Have you ever recorded yourself on the text?
Guest:Not myself, but yeah.
Guest:Someone has recorded it?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Oh, there he is.
Guest:Hey!
Guest:Why haven't you called me back?
Guest:Because I looked flabby?
Guest:I did it when I was too young to do it.
Marc:Like what, 12?
Guest:like uh no but i think i saw that you just got a no no no uh no no i was like yeah i was probably like 19 years old and you know i bought lingerie and you really have to be in pretty good shape to look dope in that shit yeah yeah like the really lacy black stuff and it was just awkward and we looked like so stupid but don't you watch it when you tape yourself i did it once in college and you watch it and you're like holy shit this looks just like fucking bad porn
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:Because it is.
Guest:Yeah, but I didn't even like watching it at that point.
Guest:So it was a whole different experience.
Guest:I'm excited to do it again.
Guest:I have a question, I guess, for Amy and I guess all the women here.
Guest:Like, what age do you start calling it lingerie?
Guest:As opposed to... Like, if you've got a 12-year-old, like, let's say you have a daughter and you're like, let's go buy some lingerie for you.
Guest:Isn't that...
Guest:It's kind of creepy.
Guest:No, that's fine.
Guest:Very creepy.
Guest:That's fine.
Guest:Totally creepy.
Guest:I just made duty in my lingerie.
Guest:I mean, that's not, you know.
Guest:That's a website Joe goes on.
Guest:That's what my dad called diapers.
Guest:Did somebody need their lingerie changed?
Guest:I actually recorded myself masturbating.
Guest:What's that?
Guest:You're the guy that does that?
Guest:I just never saw what I look like.
Guest:How did you do it?
Guest:You did mirror.
Guest:Nah, I'm not going to fucking mirror.
Guest:I wanted to watch it over and over again.
Guest:So are you doing a mirror?
Guest:You're always there.
Guest:Okay, you've never jerked off in an airplane bathroom and just made eye contact.
Guest:Bullshit, Metzger.
Marc:I jerked off in an airplane bathroom?
Marc:No.
Marc:I jerked off in an airplane bathroom.
Guest:Ew!
Marc:I've shit and wine, but never.
Marc:I did a greyhound.
Guest:I jerked off on the Staten Island.
Marc:I'm the outrage fan.
Marc:Ew!
Marc:I jerked off on the Staten Island Ferry once.
Guest:No!
Guest:People use that to commute.
Guest:I gotta...
Guest:Mark!
Guest:That's a great form of transportation!
Guest:I got a blow job at Kinko's though.
Guest:Swear to God.
Guest:I swear to God.
Guest:Where?
Guest:At Kinko's.
Guest:What do you mean?
Guest:That's why I'm doing my screenplay.
Marc:No.
Marc:Is that a service they provide now?
Marc:Late at night?
Guest:How does that work?
Guest:I was with a girl and she wanted to blow me and we couldn't find anywhere.
Guest:We went in the elevator at the 24-hour Kinko's because it was 3 a.m.
Guest:It doesn't count if she's retarded and she works there, DeRosa.
Guest:That is so fucking great.
Guest:The fucking terror that you feel.
Guest:It was so scary.
Guest:This elevator door could open at any minute and I get caught.
Guest:But then you're like, what's going to happen?
Guest:The fucking geek at Kinko?
Guest:I'll fight my way out of this place.
Guest:With your dick.
Guest:Let's talk about the Koran.
Guest:Ready?
Guest:The Koran.
Guest:The guy who was going to burn those books, the Koran, in Florida.
Guest:I don't know.
Guest:What's his name?
Guest:A hero?
Guest:Now this guy...
Guest:You know, Mark, I've never seen so many great setups wasted.
Guest:The Kinko's bit over there, there was like a million things we could have talked about Kinko's.
Guest:Go ahead.
Guest:Well, first of all, people who work at Kinko's are the people who are too excited because they are working at Staples.
Guest:Am I right?
Guest:I mean, honestly.
Guest:You could actually... You could beat a homeless baby seal to death out of Kinko's and no one would do shit.
Guest:Just as long as you clean up your mess afterwards.
Guest:No eye contact.
Guest:That's why Joe was doing that there.
Guest:Look at the recent pieces no one ever buys there.
Guest:Or whatever.
Guest:All right, anyway, what do I say?
Guest:The Koran.
Guest:We were promised a stunt and this fucker did not do it because it would have started an apocalypse.
Guest:Now, I want my fucking something.
Guest:All right?
Guest:Yes.
Yes.
Guest:I want a midget rabbi to jump a pile of Korans or I want dog fighting on the Korans or something.
Guest:I want something.
Guest:They're going to do that in Jackass 3D.
Guest:There you go.
Guest:Something like that.
Guest:I want Borat.
Guest:I want man versus food to eat the Korans.
Marc:I want a Koran stunt.
Marc:Well, I hope that happens.
Marc:Ladies and gentlemen, Dave Attell, Robert Kelly, Kirk Metzger, Joe DeRosa, special guest Amy Schumer.
Marc:Thank you.
Marc:You've been great.
Marc:Thank you for coming for live WTF.
Marc:There's shit for sale out front.
Marc:Go to WTFPod.com for everything you might need.
Marc:Letting go of anger.
Marc:Great audience.
Marc:Great panel.
Marc:Good night.