BONUS WTF Rarities - Odds and Ends
Guest:Hey there, Full Marin listeners.
Guest:This is Brendan.
Guest:And no, we do not have a traditional Friday show for you this week with me and Chris Lepresto.
Guest:We've got some summer scheduling stuff going on, but we still wanted to bring you a Friday bonus episode.
Guest:Like the other rarities episodes that we've been doing recently, this is stuff that was offered as part of our early premium service.
Guest:This was after we moved from doing like an a la carte episode system where people could pay for new bonus episodes that we wanted to
Guest:We had started the WTF app through our host server, Libsyn.
Guest:And one of the things they encouraged us to do was to put out short bonus segments every month.
Guest:And, you know, we were really at capacity with what we could do production-wise with the show.
Guest:I was working a full-time job in television.
Guest:Mark was on tour and working on other projects.
Guest:He was getting the show Marin on its feet.
Guest:And, you know, we were still building the podcast.
Guest:It wasn't our regular job yet.
Guest:It was something we were trying to, you know, make our regular job.
Guest:But Libsyn, they thought that anything we could wrangle from Mark during like his tour schedule or stand up shows, that would be a good incentive to get people to sign up.
Guest:And this was an age before Instagram Live, before Twitch, before TikTok.
Guest:There weren't a lot of live streams or anything, so it wasn't a situation where we were used to kind of content creating all the time, something Mark and I still kind of push back against, but it wasn't part of general media behavior at the time.
Guest:And so we were kind of starting from scratch.
Guest:What do we do in these like short bursts of material that, you know, we can't put too much production behind.
Guest:So here's where we started.
Guest:It was in March 11th of 2011.
Guest:And this first clip was Mark and comedian Ryan Singer driving around on the road doing standup in Indiana.
Guest:And they're trying to find some coffee.
Guest:They're trying to talk to people on a CB radio.
Guest:We thought, okay,
Guest:This is the kind of stuff they're talking about.
Guest:Just have comedians doing live stuff while they drive around, and we'll offer it up to people as bonus material.
Guest:So here's Mark and Ryan Singer driving around Indiana.
Marc:All right, I'm in the car, Ryan Singer.
Marc:Are you listening to that?
Marc:Dark Night of the Soul album.
Marc:Sparkle Horse and Danger Mouse.
Marc:Danger Mouse.
Marc:All right, so we just did the comedy attic.
Marc:Hold on, I've got to put my seatbelt on.
Marc:In Bloomington, Indiana.
Marc:We're now driving to the Indianapolis airport.
Marc:Do you need coffee?
Guest:I got one.
Guest:I stopped and got a little bit of gas.
Marc:Where does that leave me?
Guest:It leaves you... Let's go buy that Planet...
Marc:happy planet laughing yeah we'll go to laughing planet i'll get one of those black beard blends that shit is crazy i went into some sort of caffeine paralysis yesterday i had one of those black beard blends and that fucking horrendous indian food and i went back to my room and i i passed out but i couldn't pass out because i wanted to pass out in response to the indian food but the coffee kept me awake
Marc:So you were like in a waking coma?
Marc:That's right.
Marc:That's right.
Marc:And for some reason, I'm going back for that.
Marc:I'm like, I need more of that.
Marc:Well, minus the horrible Indian food.
Guest:That was horrible.
Guest:But that lady brought some delicious homemade Indian food.
Marc:That was curried vegetables with brown rice.
Marc:And some yogurt.
Marc:I couldn't get a read on her, could you?
Marc:I mean, is she gay?
Guest:Is she like the maternal... She's the scorekeeper for the roller derby, the female roller... I don't know if there is a male roller... Such a thing as a male roller derby, but she's the scorekeeper for the roller derby team around here.
Guest:So, I don't know.
Guest:I guess you kind of make your own conclusion from that about her...
Guest:Her sexuality?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:It doesn't matter.
Marc:I mean, I'm not judging her.
Marc:I mean, I guess if you're a roller derby queen or the cook of the roller derby, the matriarch of the derby girls, there would be some implications there, but I might be wrong.
Marc:Is this what you bought of a can of vanilla double-shot energy coffee?
Guest:Yeah, it was at a gas station.
Guest:I didn't trust anything else.
Marc:It's a Starbucks energy drink.
Guest:Yeah.
Yeah.
Guest:I was up pretty late, you know.
Guest:You were?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Doing what?
Guest:We went to Steak and Shake and got some milkshakes.
Marc:Milkshakes, 1.30 in the morning.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:I couldn't do it given the number of scones and shit that I got.
Guest:And then there was, you know, it was drunk people all around.
Guest:Oh, my God.
Marc:None of the tables were clean.
Marc:The waitstaff was, right?
Marc:That kind of thing?
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:It's so fucking disgusting, those Denny's and that shit at that hour in these towns.
Marc:It's just they can't keep the tables clean.
Marc:Just drunk kids everywhere.
Marc:I went home to nothing.
Marc:I went back to my hotel room and sat there and looked at all these scones and shit that people brought.
Marc:Ate some gummy bears.
Marc:You know, this wife on the road business...
Marc:I wouldn't trade it for anything.
Marc:How are you feeling, man?
Marc:Where's the optimism?
Guest:I feel great.
Guest:I'm just still waking up.
Guest:I just woke up probably about half an hour ago.
Marc:It's going to be the best day ever.
Marc:Okay, there you go.
Marc:Let's get behind that.
Marc:Can we get behind it a little bit?
Guest:That was one of the best weekends ever.
Marc:Yeah, okay.
Marc:All right, I'm with you.
Marc:Yeah, you're on board with that.
Marc:Where's the darkness, though, Ryan?
Marc:I mean, there's always this perpetual, like, you know, this is great comedy magic town.
Marc:You did some good shows.
Marc:Do you know where you're going?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Okay.
Marc:You did some good shows.
Guest:We had good shows.
Guest:Yeah, it was fun, man.
Guest:Where's the darkness?
Guest:The darkness is there.
Guest:Like, nothing good ever happens in my brain in the future.
Guest:That's why I have to remain positive all the time to keep the perpetual darkness, you know, from taking over.
Marc:Oh, you fight the generating of future scenarios because they never end up in your favor.
Marc:No, never.
Marc:Oh, man, I put that patch on.
Marc:See, I always forget to add the nicotine patch into the equation of my physical disposition.
Marc:It has a profound effect.
Guest:And have you, I forget if we talked about that, but do you sleep with it on?
Guest:Because I remember I used it years ago.
Guest:I quit for, I quit smoking for about two and a half years from using the patch.
Guest:When did they build that Chipotle?
Guest:Since we've been here?
Guest:No, that's been there.
Guest:I've eaten there once before.
Guest:Oh.
Guest:How do these businesses stand?
Guest:What the fuck?
Guest:Where?
Guest:Did you fuck it up?
Guest:I mean, I hope we see... You want to know where the darkness is?
Guest:I hope we see that dude who asked me if I heard the new Keisha song or whatever.
Guest:What's that woman's name with the money sign in her name?
Marc:Keisha?
Guest:I hope we see him again.
Guest:I think he was starting shit with me.
Marc:You do?
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:Like, what kind of shit?
Marc:What happened to the coffee shop?
Guest:I don't know.
Guest:I'm looking for it.
Guest:How did we fuck up?
Marc:I'm looking for the... We've been there twice.
Marc:Oh, God.
Guest:Oh, it's right back here, right?
Yeah.
Guest:Nothing looks familiar to me anymore.
Guest:Oh, shit.
Guest:You fucked it up.
Guest:Where is this place?
Guest:Where's the little picture frame house?
Guest:Dude.
Guest:It's like a little person lives inside of it.
Guest:Dude.
Guest:Oh, fuck.
Guest:There's that Indian.
Guest:Oh, I drove us back to the scene of the crime yesterday where the Indian food.
Guest:That's the horrendous Indian food place.
Guest:It was up on that other street.
Marc:It was up on Kirkwood.
Marc:That is Kirkwood right there.
Marc:I know that.
Marc:Well, that's where the coffee shop is.
Guest:Oh, shit.
Guest:I thought it was on a side street.
Marc:It's right around the corner.
Guest:Oh, this is a one-way street.
Marc:Oh, my God, man.
Marc:This is not working out.
Marc:I'm a professional.
Marc:A professional what?
Marc:Professional shit talker.
Marc:You have to go around the block.
Marc:Something happened, man.
Guest:Out-of-state plates.
Guest:I got out-of-state plates.
Guest:You can get away with anything.
Guest:You have out-of-state plates.
Guest:I don't know where I'm at.
Guest:Out-of-state plates over here.
Guest:I don't understand where that coffee shop went.
Guest:Neither do I. Because we just were there last night.
Marc:Wait, it's right there.
Marc:It's right there.
Guest:It's right there.
Guest:I knew it.
Guest:Is that a one-way street?
Guest:I can't tell.
Guest:Huh?
Guest:No.
Guest:I see somebody going this direction.
Marc:Okay.
Guest:Perfect.
Guest:Okay, yeah.
Marc:Soma, that's where we're going.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:You know, the only reason I'm going here is to see if that girl is here.
Marc:That nerdy, cute girl?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Some part of my brain has decided that we have a relationship.
Marc:I'll just run in, man.
Marc:Okay.
Marc:This looks too crowded for me even to deal with.
Marc:Now you're driving far away.
Marc:Oh, shit.
Marc:Now I have to walk like a block.
Marc:Uh-oh.
Marc:Oh, shit.
Marc:We're cornered.
Marc:Oh, shit.
Marc:Drive through banking.
Marc:I didn't even know that existed anymore.
Guest:How about I do this?
Guest:All right.
Guest:I guess I should bring a backpack.
Guest:Banks aren't open on Sunday.
Guest:I can park here if I want to.
Marc:Are you coming in with me?
Guest:You want to?
Marc:Whatever you want to.
Marc:Should we walk in with these things?
Marc:Nah, let's put it on pause, and then we'll do a recap.
Marc:Right?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:How do I do that?
Marc:So, okay, so the nerd girl wasn't there, but there was another nerd girl there in her place.
Marc:Similar vibe.
Marc:I definitely felt like I had a relationship with her as well.
Marc:But it was a very brief relationship.
Marc:It was literally, can I have a coffee to go?
Marc:Here you go.
Marc:And then she said, good show the other night.
Marc:And in my mind, we were married for a few minutes.
Marc:She almost looked, she looked very similar to the other girl.
Marc:The other nerd girl.
Marc:They just keep, they run them off.
Marc:They come off the same assembly line.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And she said the exact same thing.
Marc:Yeah, so that was maybe it.
Marc:Maybe she was just reminding me of the brief coffee ordering relationship I had with the other girl.
Marc:All those kids in there with computers studying, books stacked up, talking about stuff that's been talked about over and over again for generations with probably a few new additions because of current research doing the big work leading to nowhere.
Marc:God, I'm so fucking far away from that.
Marc:But you know who wasn't in there this time?
Marc:Who's that?
Marc:The dude who was knitting.
Marc:Ah, the knitting gentleman the other day.
Guest:I like how you call him a gentleman.
Marc:We were in the coffee shop the other day, and, you know, standard college students, a few older professorial types, maybe a couple washed-up hippies that have found themselves here in Bloomington after a short stint in the slammer.
Marc:But no, one dude sitting in the corner knitting.
Marc:Now, I knew this was popular with nerd girls and almost middle-aged hipster girls, maybe knit a little something in public, but that was the first time I'd ever seen a dude knitting in public.
Guest:Oh, and you let me and everybody else know what you thought of that decision.
Marc:What's that?
Guest:Well, we're just sitting there talking about anything in particular, and then you would just, like halfway through a different word, just go, bold choice.
Yeah.
Guest:Bold choice, knitting in public like that.
Guest:Like he was breastfeeding.
Guest:He might as well have been.
Guest:Like in line to get like an ice cream cone or something.
Guest:Well, it was a bold choice.
Guest:Do you think he heard me?
Guest:Oh, yeah, he heard you because you were saying it that loud.
Guest:Bold choice.
Guest:And you said it about 15 different times.
Guest:Bold choice.
Guest:It was almost as though he was knitting, if it's possible, to knit indignantly.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Like, I...
Guest:You know, like, instead of, like, I'm here and I'm queer, it's I'm knitting and deal with it.
Marc:Well, I didn't know whether he was gay or not, but, you know, the sad thing would have been if he— You didn't know if he was gay or not.
Guest:Knitting on a comfy couch in the corner of a coffee shop on a Friday night.
Guest:I just knew it was a bold choice.
Guest:Is that me being too judgmental?
Marc:Maybe.
Marc:Am I coming off—
Marc:The only way that could have ended well is if he showed up at the show last night and had knitted me a hat.
Guest:That's the only way that I could have... And then I would have said... And it just said bold on it.
Guest:Bold choice.
Marc:Oh, I hope he's listening and he knits me a hat that's just bold on it.
Marc:That would be funny.
Marc:Oh, fuck, dude.
Guest:So... Well, at least you're getting shit out of your head now.
Marc:Now, tell me about this time-traveling experiment you have going on.
Marc:Time-traveling?
Marc:With the CB.
Marc:There's a CB in your car.
Guest:Oh, yeah, yeah.
Guest:What I do is I...
Guest:You know, I tell jokes.
Guest:Well, let's do it.
Marc:Let's do one.
Guest:I want to see how it works.
Guest:You're going to have to probably... Give me the mic.
Marc:I'll hold the mic.
Marc:And you just do what you do.
Guest:We'll see if we can't...
Marc:This is CB radio.
Marc:Do you remember those?
Marc:I barely remember them.
Guest:Monster Hunter doing radio chick.
Guest:Radio chick.
Guest:And if somebody says something back, that means they can hear me.
Guest:But I don't know.
Guest:There's probably not a lot of people on their CB radio here in Bloomington, in the city limits of Bloomington right now.
Guest:We might have to wait until we get on the freeway.
Guest:How far does that thing... It's like, I don't know, I think a three to five mile radius.
Guest:Oh, here's a cop coming up next to us.
Guest:Maybe if I go to channel nine, I don't think you're supposed to be on the emergency channel.
Guest:I think that's the emergency channel.
Guest:We could see if... What channel?
Guest:Can you see?
Guest:I'm trying to see into his car what channel he may or may not be on.
Guest:Let's try channel nine and see if we can pick up some cop talk.
Marc:Are you sure you got it hooked up right?
Marc:Has anyone ever responded to you?
Guest:No, but I can hear people.
Guest:Oh, you can?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:There just have to be people around on their CBs.
Guest:Radio check, radio check.
Guest:Let's see if Johnny Baconface responds.
Marc:Is that what you call cops?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:They just can't shake that pig thing, can they?
Guest:No, they can't.
Marc:I wonder where that originated.
Marc:Oh.
Guest:Uh-oh.
Guest:I wonder what they're saying.
Guest:I wonder if he's saying, get off my channel.
Marc:Do you know any of the etiquette?
Marc:Did you buy a book?
Guest:I know over, and I know, are your ears on?
Guest:What about what's your 20?
Guest:I think that's location, right?
Guest:Right.
Guest:Yeah, I don't know.
Marc:It's my recollection.
Marc:When I had a CV in my house, oh, man, my batteries are low.
Guest:Oh, shit.
Marc:What happened then?
Guest:My squelch.
Guest:I don't know how to use the squelch right.
Guest:Squelch gets rid of atmospheric noise and weird background noise.
Marc:Oh.
Guest:I wonder if it's illegal to be on your CB radio while driving.
Marc:I wonder if it's illegal to be on your CB radio while holding a microphone in a car driving.
Marc:We're right behind a cop now.
Guest:I'm trying to... I can't... We can barely hear.
Marc:Why don't you just say, dude, is that you in front of us?
Marc:You want me to?
Guest:No.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:I don't care.
Guest:This is Monster Hunter A131.
Guest:That's probably his number.
Guest:And his CV number?
Guest:No, it's on the back of his cop car.
Guest:It says 131.
Guest:Oh.
Guest:This is the Camry behind you.
Guest:You, uh... What's your 20?
Guest:What are you doing up there?
Marc:What's your 20?
Marc:Fucking...
Guest:Oh, shit.
Guest:Let's go to channel 19.
Guest:If the battery's going to die, I'll show you.
Marc:I got more batteries.
Guest:Maybe we can get a bite on this.
Guest:Let's see.
Guest:Oh, shit.
Guest:I read up on Wikipedia what you're supposed to do.
Guest:What you're supposed to do is you turn your squelch all the way to the right until it goes silent, and then you do... Monster Hunter, radio check.
Guest:Radio check.
Guest:And then somebody should let you know that you're working.
Guest:But the squelch, I'm still trying to figure out how to properly use this thing.
Marc:I don't think you know how to use it at all.
Guest:But see, look at the thing when I'm doing this.
Guest:See, you can tell there's something that's transmitting.
Marc:Because the red light goes on?
Guest:Yeah, and it goes quiet.
Guest:See that?
Guest:Hear that?
Marc:Yeah.
Yeah.
Marc:So this is a character?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:This is Monster Hunter.
Guest:Anybody tell me the difference between my wife's asshole and a honey-baked ham?
Guest:Over.
Guest:See if anybody responds to that.
Guest:How often have you said exactly those things?
Guest:I'm going to keep saying them until somebody responds to them or hears them.
Guest:I don't need a pineapple ring to eat a honey-baked ham.
Guest:Over.
Guest:I guess I don't need to do the when I'm actually on the CV.
Guest:But see, I've done this for so long.
Guest:Like, I've been doing this for now for a few weeks, and nobody ever responds.
Guest:So that's why I've had to create other characters who like Monster Hunter.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:Like, this is one of them who likes him.
Guest:This is Wild Bird Terry.
Guest:Monster Hunter, that's the funniest shit I heard all day.
Guest:Over.
Guest:Goddamn.
Guest:That's the thing about Wild Bird Terry.
Guest:Wild Bird Terry doesn't know how to properly do CB talk, so he always says at least one last thing after he says over.
Guest:This is Monster Hunter.
Guest:Anybody tell me the difference between my wife and a rental car?
Guest:Over.
Guest:This is Wild Bird Terry, Monster Hunter.
Guest:I don't know.
Guest:Will you tell me?
Guest:Got you to know.
Guest:Over.
Guest:Goddamn.
Guest:This monster hunter, my wife never has just one donut in her trunk.
Guest:Over.
Guest:That's when some people get pissed off that you're jamming up the channels.
Guest:This guy named Sloppy Joe Johnson.
Guest:This is Sloppy Joe Johnson.
Guest:You boys are jamming up my goddamn CB channel.
Guest:Over.
Marc:Aren't you not supposed to cuss?
Guest:Oh, no, I've heard people going fucking off on each other on these things.
Guest:Like, sometimes there'll be people just, they'll be like, kind of like, you know how there's trolls in the internet chat rooms?
Guest:There's like CB channel trolls too.
Guest:Like, there'll just be people on there calling people all kinds of weird, like, calling them...
Marc:Have you ever done anything like, hi, this is Needy Man, and I'm just feeling a little lost right now.
Marc:Not in a geographic way, but just in an emotional way.
Marc:I'm all alone in the car, and I'm just wondering if anyone could talk me through this, because I'm feeling pretty sad.
Guest:No, no, I've never done that.
Guest:That could be a new character.
Guest:Needy Man?
Guest:Yeah, yeah.
Guest:How about Needy Man 7?
Marc:Needs McGee?
Marc:Needs McGee 7?
Marc:Needs McGee?
Marc:And just sort of say, like, well, you know, it's been hard for me.
Guest:Now we're on kind of like a state highway, so.
Guest:I don't hear anything.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Radio check, radio check.
Guest:Maybe we'll go to channel 17.
Guest:19 is supposed to be, I think, the freeway or, like, the highway, the one.
Guest:Oh.
Oh.
Marc:Is your antenna good?
Guest:Oh, radio check, radio check.
Guest:Damn it.
Guest:What?
Guest:It's just not real clear.
Guest:Oh, it's not clear at all.
Guest:It might be this guy.
Guest:Is that a military vehicle in front of me?
Guest:Looks like it.
Guest:Maybe it's them that are talking.
Guest:I can't tell.
Marc:Let's have a look.
Guest:Doesn't look like that guy's on a CB.
Marc:No.
Guest:Radio check, radio check.
Guest:We'll get somebody to respond to us.
Marc:How many voices do you do generally?
Guest:Well, how many variations of the southern retard voice do you do?
Guest:I don't know.
Guest:I've really only ventured into Monster Hunter, Wild Bird Terry, Slobby Joe Johnson, and Mustang Sally.
Guest:What about Philip Dan?
Guest:Yeah, I guess I haven't done Philip Dan and Dewey on there yet.
Guest:But, oh, I forgot about that late show last night to try to do that.
Guest:That's probably too far over or something.
Guest:What, oh, call back the... Yeah, but I didn't even do the bit, so... Oh, oh.
Guest:Uh-oh.
Guest:Is that someone going, whee?
Guest:I don't know.
Guest:Sometimes people will just turn their radio on and do... Play music?
Guest:Yeah.
Yeah.
Guest:Those people aren't, uh... Radio check, radio check.
Marc:Goddamn.
Marc:Nothing, huh?
Guest:If we were on a major interstate, we'd have some action happening.
Marc:All right, well, we tried.
Marc:Let's wrap this up so I can... I think that was good.
Marc:It's good premium content.
Marc:It's a gift.
Marc:You want me to hold that?
Marc:Yeah, you can hold the mic now.
Marc:So where are you going to next?
Guest:I'll be in Cincinnati in a couple weeks.
Guest:I'm off next week.
Guest:When are you coming to L.A.?
Guest:Looks like the third week of June.
Guest:Look at that, a graveyard.
Guest:Oh, sorry.
Guest:I heard chatter.
Guest:I heard some chatter.
Marc:But you can't even hear what they're saying.
Marc:It sounds like it's 100 miles away.
Guest:I heard a dude and a lady having a liaison.
Guest:Once.
Guest:On the CB?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:How did that go?
Guest:They probably didn't want to get busted by their significant... This is the idea that I thought of what was happening was that they didn't want to get busted talking to each other on their cell phones.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Because there's like a record of that.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:That their significant other could find.
Guest:Right.
Guest:So they have this like... They talk to each other on the CB radio about where they're going to meet up and stuff.
Marc:Oh, really?
Guest:Mm-hmm.
Marc:That's a pretty good story.
Marc:Maybe you should follow them.
Marc:Yeah, I don't think that that makes sense of for like they'd rather not have a record of it, but they just rather you know every Everyone who's listening but it's like yeah everybody everybody can listen, but you're still anonymous
Marc:Okay.
Marc:I have to assume some of these people know each other.
Marc:I mean, there's hardly anybody talking right now.
Marc:I mean, it's probably just truckers.
Marc:I mean, this is not a hobbyist.
Guest:Well, Sir Mix-a-Lot is a big CB radio guy.
Guest:Oh, yeah?
Guest:A hobbyist, I guess, yeah.
Guest:That's my goal, to get famous enough to where I can be listed on the Wikipedia page if somebody uses a CB radio.
Marc:What's your handle again?
Guest:Monster Hunter.
Marc:Okay, buddy.
Marc:Ryan Singer, ladies and gentlemen.
Guest:Look for me out on the citizen's bandwidth.
Guest:Monster Hunter.
Guest:Or what's the other names?
Guest:Wild Bird Terry.
Guest:And?
Guest:And Sloppy Joe Johnson.
Guest:What about the girl?
Guest:Mustang Sally.
Marc:All right.
Marc:Any of those.
Marc:You see the enthusiast.
Marc:And then if you hear any of those go, come on, Ryan.
Marc:And you'll say what?
Marc:If someone goes, that's Ryan Singer.
Guest:And I'll be like, there ain't no Ryan Singer here.
Guest:It's Monster Hunter.
Guest:I don't know citizens' bandwidth.
Guest:Look at that big fucking chicken driving on the top of a car.
Guest:Was there?
Guest:Did you see that limousine, that chicken limousine?
Guest:No.
Guest:It was a limousine in the shape of a chicken.
Guest:I miss everything.
Guest:The following month, we put up another bonus episode, and this was from April 27th, 2011.
Guest:Mark was on tour in Australia, and he had told this story several times on the podcast, and he's told it several times since, but this was the first time he actually told it in Melbourne today.
Guest:This was a story about him getting sent home from Melbourne after completely bombing on the first night of a comedy tour he was booked for well before he was ready to do a comedy tour like that.
Guest:So this is Mark's return to Melbourne and him in front of a live audience telling them about the tragic incident of him bombing and getting sent home from Australia.
Marc:All right, so now I feel like you're waiting for the Melbourne story.
Marc:It was fucking horrendous.
Marc:It was horrendous.
Marc:It was a pretty good story, though.
Marc:Here's what happened.
Marc:I've been here.
Marc:I know this is listed as my debut in Melbourne, but between me and you guys...
Marc:I'll tell you when.
Marc:It was like 1992.
Marc:I'm doing stand-up comedy in New York, and then I moved to San Francisco, and the guy who booked a club here, I don't know how long you've lived here, but there used to be a club called The Last Laugh, I believe, right?
Marc:That guy saw me in New York, and he called me and said, I want you to come to Melbourne for a four-week season, headlining.
Marc:You'll be here for four weeks, we'll extend it for a fifth week.
Marc:And I knew that at that time, I only had like 25 minutes of material, at the most.
LAUGHTER
Marc:You need about 40, 45 to headline.
Marc:But of course I said, hell yeah, that sounds great.
Marc:So I signed the contract knowing in that moment that like, you're an idiot.
Marc:Okay?
Marc:So I signed that contract, and then as it's leading up to the trip, I know I've got to fly, like, four days, and I've got to fly into the future, and, like, everything's starting to fuck with my head.
Marc:I'm like, how am I going to call people in the past?
Marc:You know, like, once I get there, how does that work?
Marc:I mean, am I going to be able to tell people that I know what your day is like?
Guest:And...
Marc:And I was starting to do that to myself.
Marc:And then I was thinking, I don't have the material to do this.
Marc:And I'd just gotten sober for the first time, so I'm all fucked up.
Marc:So I get on that plane to fly to Australia, and I'm already defeated.
Marc:I'm like, this is going to be fucking bad.
Marc:Why am I doing this?
Marc:And then I'm flying.
Marc:It's like 900 hours.
Marc:And there were moments where I had anxiety on the plane, and I had to stop myself from running backwards in the plane, hoping that it would turn the plane around.
Marc:And...
Marc:And then we land in Melbourne, you know, and somebody picks me up, and right away, it's the first time I've been in a country that drives on the left side of the road, so we get in the car, and I'm just, I'm fucked.
Marc:They don't even know what side of the street to drive on.
Marc:That's a little arrogance on my part as an American, because I know a lot of people drive on the left-hand side, but to me at that moment, it was a big problem.
Marc:And I don't know if this is possible, but this is how my memory... Is it possible that I saw kangaroos along the side of the car between here and the airport?
No.
Marc:Seriously, I'm not trying to be condescending.
Marc:In my memory, they were jumping along the side of the car like you see dolphins jump along the side of boats.
Marc:And everything was just making me go, oh, there's no way they're going to understand me with kangaroos on the wrong side of the street.
Marc:And then I get to the club, and they have a billboard of me up there, and there are quotes from magazines that don't exist.
Marc:And I'm like, what the fuck?
Marc:It's not even a real magazine.
Marc:It's like, Marc Maron's a genius, the New York blah, blah.
Marc:And I'm like, why are they making that up?
Marc:And I asked the club owner, I'm like, where'd you get those quotes?
Marc:They're like, I just made them up, mate.
Marc:Before the internet, so you could get away with that shit.
Marc:But of course, I'm looking at it and thinking, well, I can't live up to that quote that's not real from a magazine that doesn't exist.
Marc:So I'm freaking out, and then they bring me to a flat, and I couldn't understand why they called it a flat, because it was just an apartment, so the language thing is starting to fuck with me.
Marc:It's not a flat in this apartment.
Marc:Why do they speak like this?
Marc:Then they take me to do the Steve Visard show.
Marc:But he wasn't there.
Marc:There was someone else filling in for him, and to this day, I have no idea what that fucking guy looks like.
Marc:So I go to the Steve Visard show, and they're like, he's the biggest thing in Australia, and I'm like, well, where is he?
Marc:Why did he leave on the day I'm here?
Marc:So I'm taking that personally.
LAUGHTER
Marc:And I get to the studio, and I swear to you, the desk was on the wrong side of the studio, because it's the Letterman studio.
Marc:But I'm like, this looks like Letterman, but it's on the left side.
Marc:Everything's fucked up here.
Marc:And then I'm standing there, and you know who the other guest on the show was?
Marc:Fucking Russell Crowe.
Marc:But it was Russell Crowe for Romper Stomper, so he wasn't even a star yet.
Marc:So now, by the time I'm in the dressing room with Russell Crowe, who must be like a 21-year-old Russell Crowe, I am just coming unhinged.
Marc:I'm the neurotic Jew mess, sitting backstage with Russell Crowe going, I don't fucking know if they're going to like me, man.
Marc:Do you think they're going to like me?
Marc:He's like, I don't know, mate.
Marc:You know, that was just literally like he had a force shield up.
Marc:Like, I'm not going to let you get in.
Marc:I'm on a trajectory to stardom.
Marc:You're not going to take anything away from me.
Marc:So I get out there, and I do my few minutes.
Marc:And it went okay, but I'm jet-lagged.
Marc:I'm freaking out.
Marc:And then I'm sitting down.
Marc:I do a little panel.
Marc:It was a woman filling in for Visart.
Marc:And then Russell comes out, and he's talking about romper-stomper, and he's all intense, and he's talking about the research he did on Nazis, and he's talking about the books he was reading.
Marc:So as a joke, I said, that sounds like my library at home.
Marc:Like it was mind-confidence shit.
Marc:But it was just a joke.
Marc:But of course the audience was like, wait a minute.
Marc:Who's the weird American?
Marc:So that fucking tanked.
Marc:Then I get to the club.
Marc:Here's the show.
Marc:It's a comedian, his host.
Marc:And then there's this burlesque act.
Marc:I don't even know what they were.
Marc:There were these two women with weird hair and an accordion.
Marc:Okay.
Marc:And then the next act was a guy, I swear to God, all I know is that he closed by escaping from a straitjacket on a unicycle.
Guest:Okay.
Marc:So I'm backstage going, there's no fucking way that this is going to work out for me.
Marc:How am I going to follow that guy?
Marc:The audience is literally, when he gets out of the straitjacket, they're like, oh my God!
Marc:Like there was any other way it could go.
Marc:I mean, like, was it really a risk he wasn't going to get out?
Marc:I mean, it's a fucking show.
Marc:In my mind, that would be a better show if he was just like, oh, oh, oh.
Guest:You know, I just...
Guest:That club owner's coming up to me every night.
Marc:He's like, you can't do that joke.
Marc:I don't think it's going to work here.
Marc:You know, the joke where you stick your thumb in your girlfriend's ass.
Marc:I don't think that's going to work.
Marc:Honestly, I was a different type of comic then.
Marc:I don't remember what that joke was that involved me putting my finger in my girlfriend's ass, but I do know I was closing with it.
Um...
Marc:And now I couldn't do that.
Marc:So I was defenseless.
Marc:I mean, I literally had 25 minutes within three days, and I was panicking.
Marc:And, you know, there's an intermission before I go on, after the guy in the straitjacket.
Marc:Everything was coming unhinged.
Marc:And this was a week of previews.
Marc:I didn't know what previews were.
Marc:We don't have previews where I live.
Marc:We don't have intermissions in between acts where I live.
Marc:It was just ridiculous.
Marc:And previews, what is that, basically?
Marc:I think every show I do is a preview, no matter what point in my career I'm in.
Marc:This is a preview as far as I know.
Marc:So...
Marc:So we go through a week of previews, and then it's the first real night.
Marc:It's Saturday night.
Marc:That place was big, too.
Marc:There must have been like 300 people in that room.
Marc:And I melted down so completely inside that I get on stage, you know, after, you know, they're screaming.
Marc:I literally had to stop them rushing the stage for the guy with the straitjacket.
LAUGHTER
Guest:He got out again, you know?
Marc:And then I get on stage, and you can smoke on stage, and all I remember is, like, I'm just approaching the mic.
Marc:It was, like, slow motion.
Marc:And I stand at the mic, and I've got my cigarette.
Marc:And before I even say anything, some guy in the audience goes, "'Where'd you get that jacket?'
Marc:And it was an American, and I was like, I felt so betrayed.
Marc:And for some reason, I just, I could not answer him.
Marc:I just stood there like an idiot.
Marc:And the rest of that show, 40 minutes, all I could hear were the embers of my cigarette burning.
Marc:To a type of silence that had a vacuum to it.
Marc:It wasn't just sort of like, he's not funny.
Marc:It was like, we're disappointed and now we want to take something from his spirit.
Marc:And I'm up there for this whole time and I swear to you, for the first time in my life, I left my body.
Marc:I felt myself on stage, and the essential part of me just rose up out of my body, and I remember it saying, see you backstage.
Marc:And I just left the disappointing husk out there to fend for himself.
Marc:And in retrospect, if that audience could have seen that happen, they would have been so much more impressed than the guy with the straitjacket.
Marc:If they were able to just like, he's leaving his body.
Marc:He was terrible, but look at that.
Marc:What an amazing talent that is.
Marc:So I got off stage, and it was horrible.
Marc:I mean, it was like a baptism in a type of failure that I never want to experience again.
Marc:And this is how you know you've done badly on stage.
Marc:I walked off stage, and everybody involved with the show came up to me and said, you OK?
Marc:And I said, yeah, I'm good.
Marc:And then the next day, I went out to coffee with the owner, and he said, I don't think it's working out.
Marc:And I said, what do you mean?
Marc:But secretly, I was like, yeah, I know, it's terrible.
Marc:And he said, well, I just think we'll pay you for one week and send you, or pay you for three weeks and send you home.
Marc:It was my mistake.
Marc:But then I said, I was just getting the hang of it.
Marc:But secretly, I was thinking, please send me home.
Marc:Please, oh God, send me home.
Marc:And then right at that moment, some waiter comes up and says, hey, I saw you on Steve Visar.
Marc:You're really funny.
Marc:Where are you playing?
Marc:I looked at the arm like, it's over.
Marc:And I got on that plane, and I'd been sober for about a year, and I fucking drank the whole way home.
Marc:Yeah, that was so, but that's, like, that's not fun drinking.
Marc:When you're, like, on a plane because you've been sent home from a country.
Yeah.
Marc:And you've just failed miserably at your chosen profession.
Marc:That type of drinking, there's no real end to that kind of drinking.
Marc:That party doesn't stop until somebody fucking ruins their life.
Marc:But here's the little, what do you call it, the postscript or the epilogue or whatever.
Marc:So I'm in Edinburgh in 2007, and I've been sober a long time now, but I'm sitting in the bar at Edinburgh where all the comics are hanging out.
Marc:And some dude walks in, and I recognize him.
Marc:Like, it's been 15 years since I've been here and been through that.
Marc:And I look at that guy, I'm like, holy fuck.
Marc:That's the guy who was the host.
Marc:Like, I didn't remember him at all.
Marc:And all I remembered was his teeth.
Marc:And it's fucking Greg Fleet, right?
Marc:And I said, do you remember when I got sent home 15 years ago?
Marc:And he's like, no.
Marc:You know, of course he doesn't.
Marc:You know Greg Fleet.
Marc:So...
Marc:But that was a weird, interesting full circle.
Marc:And then he's here at this festival, and this is how the story really ends.
Marc:I'm preparing for this show last week, and the woman managing the house says, are you taking guests?
Marc:It's before the show.
Marc:And I said, sure, who is it?
Marc:And she goes, it's Greg Fleet.
Marc:And I go, yeah, as long as he doesn't want to borrow money.
Marc:And Fleet walks in, he goes, you got any money?
Yeah.
Marc:And I gave him $25.
Marc:And I know I was never going to see that money again.
Marc:But I realized this is my initiation.
Marc:This is my closure to the trauma I went through in Melbourne.
Marc:I am now an official member of the international comedy community because I am probably the last fucking person in the world that will lend Greg Fleet money.
Marc:Okay, that's that story.
Guest:That was fun, wasn't it?
Guest:Was that good for you?
Guest:All right.
Guest:By May, we were really running out of steam and we grabbed this bit of material that came from Mark doing a comedy show at the Cramp and Adler Comedy Festival in Milwaukee, Wisconsin.
Guest:And this was the ending of that show when Mark was joined on stage by Kristen Schaal and Eugene Merman, who, yes, is somewhat inebriated in this clip.
Guest:Again, this was from May 11th, 2011 in Milwaukee, Wisconsin.
Marc:Thank you very much.
Marc:You were great.
Marc:Am I closing this out?
Marc:You want to come back up here?
Marc:Thank you.
Marc:Eugene Merman for a hug.
Marc:The lovely Eugene Merman.
Marc:Kristen Shaw.
Guest:I can't believe you ever ended on your own volition.
Guest:I was testing your limits and we see them now.
Guest:Mark Barron.
Guest:If anyone here is between the ages of 28 and 34 and you want to fuck this guy, just talk to him for like 20 minutes.
Guest:He will fucking come all over you as a friend.
Guest:Did anyone bring you baked goods?
Guest:I don't know yet.
Guest:You don't know yet?
Marc:I'm going to go get my stuff.
Guest:Wait, oh, you're going to sell stuff on stage.
Guest:Did you tell them that?
Marc:Yeah, if they want it.
Marc:I only have like 40, 20 shirts.
Guest:Mark's going to sell stuff on stage.
Guest:Oh, my God.
Guest:That was the... Why am I talking?
Guest:Kristen Schaal, everybody.
Guest:Mark Barron is going to come back out, and he's going to sell you stuff.
Guest:If you're between the ages of, you know what, 24 and 38.
Guest:Do you remember when we were on stage?
Guest:That was so long ago.
Guest:Literally, it was 1928.
Guest:I remember that they had just first thought of arresting Al Capone.
Okay.
Guest:And then Mark was like, I got divorced.
Guest:Do you ever hear about that?
Guest:Hey, let's thank Cramp and Antler.
Guest:Oh, yeah, great idea.
Guest:They probably want the mics, but let's not get carried away.
Guest:Mark Barron's back.
Guest:Mark, let's do our classic three-man act.
Guest:Oh, my God.
What?
Guest:I don't know.
Guest:I just really love that I'm wasting everyone's time.
Marc:I'd like an opportunity to show a warmer side of myself.
Guest:All right.
Guest:The warm Marc Maron.
Guest:Let's see.
Guest:Let's see.
Guest:Luke warm.
Guest:Luke warm.
Guest:Give it to him.
Guest:Mark, can I tell you a story?
Guest:Earlier tonight, and by tonight, I really mean today, Kristen and I were hanging out.
Guest:And Kristen was like, hey, like, I haven't really toured with Mark much.
Guest:Like, what's it like?
Guest:And I was trying to describe you.
Guest:And we all know that you are a sensitive.
Guest:First of all, you're eating nuts very intensely.
Guest:No problem.
Guest:And I was trying to describe what it's like to be with you.
Guest:And then I was like, you know what?
Guest:It's like hanging out with a wolf.
Guest:And then I was like, you know what?
Guest:And then Kristen was like, no, but Mark's very sensitive.
Guest:And I was like, you're right.
Guest:I said he's fragile.
Guest:He's fragile.
Guest:It's true.
Guest:And then I went, you know what?
Guest:Being with Mark is like being with a porcelain wolf.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And I think that's not inaccurate.
Guest:That is an awesome description of you.
Guest:A fucking porcelain wolf.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Be careful.
Guest:He will tear you apart unless you break him.
Guest:Yep.
Guest:And I'll tear myself apart.
Guest:Prop him up next to your precious moment.
Guest:I love that they're like, by the way, thank you for listening to our OK radio station.
Guest:That's exactly it.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I don't know how else to say it.
Guest:We've had all three of these guys on the air.
Guest:And they're amazing.
Guest:Like a sexy hobbit.
Guest:Seriously, if you have the chance, suck on his ding dong.
Guest:Also, sorry, children.
Guest:Who would bring a child to this?
Guest:Marc Maron's closing?
Guest:You're going to bring a child to that?
Guest:Fuck you, you cunt faces.
Guest:Is there a child here?
Guest:I don't know, but if there is, they just learned about cunt faces.
Guest:And some parents are going to go, he was just kidding round.
Guest:You'll learn about it when you're 17.
Guest:You can say anything with that sensitive, sweet voice you have.
Guest:Say Hitler was right.
Guest:Hitler had a point.
Guest:I can't say he was right, but I can say that he hit upon subjects we can all agree on.
Guest:Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Guest:Seriously.
Guest:Buy the stuff he's selling and also suck on his dick if you have the chance.
Guest:My dick is fine unsucked.
Guest:Oh, my God.
Guest:Your dick is not fine unsucked.
Guest:Your dick needs to be sucked on until it's like, oh, my God, I got most of the pain out.
Guest:For a few minutes.
Guest:For a few minutes.
Guest:But now we can take a breather and suck it again.
Guest:Holy shit.
Guest:Oh, my God.
Guest:Cramp and Adler are all like, we do radio.
Guest:We can't talk about this, but I can because I'm in a live theater.
Guest:Also, may I thank everyone for the whiskey I got.
Guest:Wait, Mark, do your impression of me.
Guest:Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba.
Guest:Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba.
Guest:Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba.
Guest:Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba.
Guest:Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba.
Guest:Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba.
Guest:Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba.
Guest:The porcelain wolf strikes back.
Guest:Thank you all very much.
Guest:Enjoy this special moment.
Guest:Mark Barron, everybody.
Guest:America's hero.
Guest:Oh, yeah.
Guest:Eugene Mervin.
Guest:Kristen Shaw.
Guest:Kristen Shaw.
Marc:So hot.
Marc:So hot.
Guest:Cramp and Adler, you guys.
Guest:See you at one of the four bars that are still open.
Guest:All right, we should leave, I think.
Guest:We'll never leave.
Guest:Just kidding.
Guest:We're leaving right now.
Guest:Good night.
Guest:Don't forget to finger each other.
Guest:And with that quote, don't forget to finger each other, we ended our brief experiment with short bonus clips and appropriate ending, if ever there was one.
Guest:Anyway, by this point, we had realized that the real value in the WTF app was having a growing archive of excellent shows and
Guest:And we made the shift to a paywall system for episodes that were older than the past six months.
Guest:And that was basically what we did with our premium service for the next decade or so.
Guest:We didn't start doing regular bonus material again until 2022 when we started this, the Full Marin.
Guest:And now we've done 192 bonus episodes for you, Full Marin listeners.
Guest:And we'll be back with two more next week.
Guest:Producer cuts on Monday and the Friday show proper with me and Chris continuing our Quentin Tarantino series.
Guest:And this month it's Django Unchained.
Guest:So we will see you then.