BONUS WTF Rarities - Return to Comix
Guest:Hey, everyone out there in full Marin land.
Guest:This is Brendan, and this is another WTF rarity.
Guest:And this is actually the last one of the live shows we did and offered for sale a la carte back in 2010, 2011.
Guest:But before we get to that, I just want to do a little housekeeping here.
Guest:We are still taking your questions for upcoming Ask Mark Anything episodes.
Guest:We have a link to the form so you could submit those questions.
Guest:Just go to the episode description and click on that link.
Guest:Send Mark whatever you want to know, and he will answer it on an upcoming bonus episode.
Guest:The first one will be next week.
Guest:So submit now for Ask Mark Anything.
Guest:And then also just wanted to let you know that this week on Friday, we won't have a traditional Friday show.
Guest:We will have something else that has been requested many times in the past.
Guest:It was available previously only on the service Howl, which was then part of Stitcher Premium.
Guest:And that was a special we put together called Lorne Stories.
Guest:And it's basically everyone who had been on the show up to the point in which we made this special episode that had stories about Lorne Michaels.
Guest:And it's about a two hour special.
Guest:People have requested it and we have not yet had it in the bonus feed.
Guest:So that will be for you on Friday.
Guest:But right now we're going back to our rarities, our a la carte episodes that we used to offer to people for sale.
Guest:And this was the last one we did, a live show called Return to Comics.
Guest:It was recorded October 20th, 2010, released January 21st, 2011.
Guest:And this featured Eugene Merman, Kristen Schaal, John Glazer, Jesse Klein, and Sam Seder.
Guest:All people with very good dynamics with Mark.
Guest:And so it made for a very fun show.
Guest:But just because this was the last time we did a WTF live show that we put up for sale...
Guest:uh, doesn't mean this is the last of the rarities.
Guest:There are still some things that, uh, were offered in previous bonus sections, premium sections of WTF that have not been available for quite some time.
Guest:And we will continue to roll those out in the coming months, but for now, enjoy return to comics.
Guest:Are we doing this?
Guest:Really?
Guest:Wait for it.
Guest:Are we doing this?
Guest:Wait for it.
Guest:What the fuck?
Guest:And it's also, what the fuck?
Guest:What's wrong with me?
Guest:It's time for WTF.
Guest:What the fuck?
Guest:With Mark.
Mark.
Guest:All right, are we doing this?
Guest:Welcome to What the Fuck Live at Comics in New York.
Marc:How are you, What the Fuckers?
Marc:What the Fuckineers?
Marc:What the Fuck Buddies?
Marc:What the Fuck Nicks?
Marc:Thank you for coming out to Comics in New York for another live WTF.
Marc:What an amazing show we have tonight.
Marc:Oh, by the way, I have no free coffee.
Marc:I have no T-shirts to give away.
Marc:I'll go home.
Marc:But someone made me salsa and chips.
Marc:Thank you very much.
Marc:Leo and Emily who brought me a zucchini bread the last time that I ate by myself in my hotel room.
Marc:Proud moments after shows in New York.
Marc:Hey, I'm alone.
Marc:Why not eat a cake?
Marc:Great show tonight.
Marc:Soon in these chairs we'll have Eugene Merman, Kristen Schaal, Jesse Klein, Sam Seder, John Glazer.
Marc:We're leaving an empty seat for Elijah, even though it's off-season.
Marc:He may come by in the form of another celebrity.
Marc:I don't know.
Marc:I don't know when people say they're going to drop by.
Marc:I don't know if that will happen.
Marc:I'm a little out of sorts.
Marc:I was in Texas for two days, and that's all I have to say about that.
Marc:I was in Austin, and then I drove to Dallas.
Marc:Now, I don't know if you've ever made that drive, but I can safely say there's no need to do that.
Marc:There's no need to make that drive.
Marc:It's three and a half hours of fucking Texas.
Marc:And I'm not knocking Texas.
Marc:I'm told there are good people there, and many of them came out to the Austin show and the Dallas show, but I got the distinct feeling that they may have been the only good people there.
Marc:And all you listen to on the drive, there's nothing to be heard but Jesus radio.
Marc:Every station is just like, the Lord, you know, and by about an hour in, I thought it might be a good idea to find Jesus.
Marc:That's the effect that Texas had on me.
Marc:An hour and a half into flat Texas and just businesses.
Marc:Have you ever been on the highway and you see a business and you just honestly go, who the fuck goes in there?
Marc:There were just stores in the middle of nowhere, warehouses.
Marc:It's just like John and Jim's gears.
Marc:How are they staying in business?
Marc:I didn't stop to ask them.
Marc:There was one business that only sold apparently half-dome huts.
Marc:I've never seen a half-dome hut anywhere.
Marc:But it was a thriving business in Texas along the highway.
Marc:And that's when I wanted to find Jesus.
Marc:But I'm good.
Marc:And I'm a little shook up.
Marc:A fan last night, this isn't a tragic story, but I really don't know how to handle it.
Marc:A guy in Dallas had me sign his arm after the show in a Sharpie.
Marc:And then I went out to eat with some other comics, and then he came into the pizza place, the guy whose arm I signed, and he had tattooed the signature on his arm.
Marc:He had gone to a tattoo place, and now my signature is tattooed on his arm.
Marc:And I don't know what that means for us.
Marc:I...
Marc:Like, do I have to answer his emails?
Marc:Is there a... Like, if I get an email from the guy that's like, hey, it's the guy who has your name on my arm.
Marc:The guy who's... Do I own him now?
Marc:If he dies, am I going to be called?
Marc:Like, if they find his body, it's like, I think some dude signed this.
Marc:I have no idea what my responsibility is in this relationship.
Marc:It's really fucking awkward.
Marc:I mean, at first it was flattering, but it was a loaded sort of flattering.
Marc:I'm like, wow, that's great.
Marc:What the fuck is wrong with you?
Marc:I don't know, you guys.
Marc:All I know is that the anger problem is not gone.
Marc:And...
Marc:Despite the fact that I'm feeling better about myself, which someone wrote me an email.
Marc:This was sort of disturbing.
Marc:And I'll read it to you, and then we'll start the show.
Marc:This is the show.
Marc:Wait.
Marc:Okay, Maren.
Marc:Oh, no, that's not the one.
Marc:Hold on.
Marc:Oh, here it is.
Marc:Dearest Mark.
Marc:Yes.
Marc:I've noticed a big difference in your personality lately, and I'm not sure if that is the therapy working or love.
Marc:Maybe a bit of both.
Marc:You seem far less cynical, and you seem like you are actually happy for people that are successful.
Marc:And it really is shocking the hell out of me.
Marc:Am I that fucking bad?
Marc:All right.
Marc:Resentment seems to have taken a back seat in your rants lately, and you seem, should I say it?
Marc:I don't know if I should, happy.
Marc:Holy shit, I said it.
Marc:You seem a bit more at peace with your parents, with your work, in your travels, and I just wanted to let you know that I'm truly happy about that.
Marc:Maybe keeping up with Jessica is burning up any extra energy you had before, so you just don't have it in you to bitch about people.
Marc:And then it gets a little weird.
Marc:She goes, do you ever do shows in Vegas?
Marc:I live in Utah.
Marc:You never come here, and I'm sure it's because you are so afraid to get tangled up in the polygamy lifestyle.
Marc:Like, that'd be the first thing.
Marc:Like, I'm not going there.
Marc:I'm going to have seven wives, and I can barely handle one without ruining it.
Marc:Then she goes on to make it even sadder.
Marc:If you had numerous wives, where the fuck would your cat sleep?
Marc:On the positive side of that, you would have numerous rooms to place all of your shit in, like your books and tapes and 8-tracks and albums, and your garage would look far less like a borderline hoarder lives in it.
Marc:Is that hoarding?
Marc:I mean, I don't... Because I've been thinking about this.
Marc:I don't even know if I talked about it.
Marc:Is it still hoarding if it's actually organized?
Marc:But wait, but it's organized.
Yeah.
Marc:What?
Marc:No, because if I Dewey Decimaled it, then I'd be OCD.
Marc:And then I wouldn't be a hoarder.
Marc:I'd be very impressive.
Marc:If you walked into my garage and someone said, wow, you got a lot of books.
Marc:And I go, take a look in the card catalog.
Marc:All right, let's start the show.
Marc:You guys are a great crowd.
Marc:You know, there's...
Marc:There's room for a lot of interesting things.
Marc:Sam Seder and I have not been on a stage together in a year or so, so I don't know what's going to happen with that.
Marc:So I'm saving him for last, because if I'm going to get hurt, I want it to be after we've had a lot of fun.
Marc:Because I know Sam, and I know somehow or another I'm going to be embarrassed and hurt.
Marc:So look forward to that.
Marc:My first guest is a lovely man who I've worked with many times.
Marc:He's been on the podcast a couple of times.
Marc:And he just makes me happy.
Marc:And by the way, I'm not that much happier.
Marc:I feel better, but don't worry.
Marc:The podcast will remain aggravated.
Marc:There are many issues that are revolving that don't go away.
Marc:So don't ever think that I'm okay.
Okay.
Marc:Because we have a good thing going here.
Marc:Please welcome Eugene Merman to the stage.
Marc:Right here.
Marc:Right here.
Marc:Wait, sit up a minute.
Marc:Okay, good.
Marc:Hi, Eugene Merman.
Marc:Hello, Mark.
Marc:It's very nice to see you.
Marc:You smell good.
Marc:Did you just shower?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I just told you that backstage when you said I woke up.
Marc:Now you see, now, look, you just gave away the secret of show business.
Marc:I thought, what a wonderful open that would be, unusual play along, like I didn't know he showered, and now you just made me look like an idiot.
Guest:But what I didn't say... Sorry to be so real.
Marc:What soap do you use?
Marc:Seriously.
Guest:You know, I found it in my bathroom.
Yeah.
Marc:You still live in a situation where you don't know where the soap comes from?
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:I thought you were beyond that.
Marc:Is there several guys who live with you?
Guest:My girlfriend bought it.
Guest:It's Earth or something.
Guest:I don't know.
Marc:So you're that guy.
Marc:That's the soap that you use.
Guest:I'm sorry I didn't pick a soap.
Guest:I did not know it would be that important.
Guest:Dove?
Guest:I would use Dove.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:It's moistening.
Marc:Mm-hmm.
Marc:Yeah, and it's got the commercial where it fills up and then a little blink.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:Do you remember that?
Guest:No.
Marc:Oh.
Marc:Did I just make that up?
Marc:No.
Marc:Okay.
Marc:Yeah, it just fills.
Marc:But Dove, it says it doesn't leave soap film, but it does.
Marc:They all do.
Marc:I personally use Dr. Bronner's hippie soap.
Guest:Don't clap for that.
Guest:That's totally fine, but don't clap for it.
Marc:No, Bronner deserves clapping.
Marc:Have you ever seen a bottle of Dr. Bronner's?
Marc:It's fucking genius because like if you're ever in... Holy shit, dude.
Marc:You just blew my mind.
Marc:Did you just say it's like situationist propaganda only with a whole God thing going on?
Marc:That is the most eloquent heckling I've ever experienced.
Marc:Only at this show would someone interrupt a show to go, that's just situationist propaganda with a whole God thing going on.
Marc:Hey, I don't go down to where you work and, all right, the, um... I thought he had said racist propaganda.
Marc:Yeah, he's racist, so... Yeah, portions of Mein Kampf are written on the label.
Marc:No, but the thing is, is if you use Dr. Bronner's, there is this whole weird philosophy to it, and it's all on the label.
Marc:So if you ever pour it in the bathroom, you can sit there with your Bronner's and be, you know, maybe converted to the one world, one God Bronner philosophy.
Marc:Am I losing it here?
Marc:What I'm saying is, I guess to sum it up, it's situationist propaganda with the whole God thing going on.
Guest:All right.
Marc:We're going to edit him out, and I'm just going to fucking come up with that.
Guest:Then get ready for tons of iTunes comments being like, I know the truth behind the situation.
Marc:I think what we're getting at is tell your girlfriend to get you some Bronners and so you'll be part of this small crew of people.
Guest:It's not that I can't buy soap.
Guest:It's that in this instance, I happen not to.
Marc:We can move on.
Guest:Never.
Guest:Sure.
Marc:So, now, I did your festival not long ago in Brooklyn.
Marc:You have a festival that's called the Eugene Merman Comedy Festival.
Guest:Yes.
Marc:Do you see yourself as like a P.T.
Marc:Barnum of alternative comedy?
Guest:Yes.
Guest:Sewing the head of Dimitri onto a fish.
Guest:His body.
Guest:And being like, come see the one lighter fish.
Yeah.
Guest:doing that with different comedians.
Guest:That's how I see myself.
Guest:With a big curtain over Brooklyn, over Park Slope.
Marc:When are you going to do it in a tent?
Marc:I think you should have a tent.
Guest:I would gladly have a tent if I could have it erected in Brooklyn.
Guest:I don't know, going through the, you know, getting all the permission.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Anyway.
Marc:Yeah, that went nowhere.
Marc:But anyway, so...
Marc:I'm kidding, man.
Marc:There's no pressure.
Marc:I do.
Marc:We're all friends here.
Guest:I know you edit this stuff down.
Marc:Not the live ones.
Marc:Listen, I want to have an open and honest conversation like two men who like each other.
Marc:Okay.
Marc:I don't need to apologize to you because you've been on the show many times.
Marc:But I think that you've inspired me over time to somehow detach and have a certain sense of peace of mind.
Marc:Now, do you really have that or are you just fucking with everybody?
Guest:Meaning do I have a kind and wonderful demeanor?
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:Sure.
Marc:So it's genuine, there's nothing in here going, let me out, let me out.
Guest:I can't tell if you're asking me if I get sad sometimes.
Guest:Do I feel like there's a monster inside me?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:No, I guess I don't.
Guest:But do I have lots of strong feelings that drive me into the arts?
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:I call them a monster.
Guest:Yes.
Guest:I guess... What I can't tell is if you call it a monster or if you believe there is a monster inside you.
Guest:Like a very articulate, incredible hulk.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:Inside you.
Marc:Yes, there is.
Guest:When you get really, really mad.
Marc:Yeah, I felt it is an actual thing.
Marc:And I feed it vitamins.
Guest:And ice cream.
Marc:Yeah, exactly.
Marc:So that's good.
Marc:It's good to know that you're sad and angry inside.
Marc:I feel better.
Guest:I'm not sad and angry all the time.
Marc:Why not?
Marc:Where's your commitment?
Yeah.
Guest:What I'm saying is I'm capable of a range of emotions that span from bemused to annoyed and bemused.
Guest:Depending on what's in front of me.
Marc:I'm capable of a span myself, but I tend to skip the whole middle range.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:Elation and then fury.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Elation, fury, and then sometimes on the way to fury, there's a little self-pity, but I just fucking blow past it.
Guest:You, the Incredible Hulk, you're now like Batman.
Guest:You're literally like a comic book character of stand-up comedy.
Guest:Take your vengeance.
Marc:Right.
Marc:I know there's someone in here that can make that happen.
Marc:What Eugene has just done is pitched a graphic novel based around me and my monster.
Marc:Get on it.
Marc:And he can be my sidekick that just goes, Mark, why are you so upset?
Marc:And I just go, shut up, Eugene.
Marc:That outfit doesn't fit you right.
Guest:That's true.
Guest:So, come on, man.
Guest:Where have you been?
Guest:Right here, Mark.
Guest:No, I mean, like, recently.
Guest:Oh, well, I was in Provincetown.
Marc:Did you have a good time there?
Guest:I had a great time.
Guest:I've gone in the fall there with some friends the last few years.
Guest:It's off-season.
Marc:It's wonderful.
Marc:It's off-season.
Marc:And you rent a place?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:And you hang out and do, like, a mini big chill thing.
Marc:You cook with each other.
Marc:Yeah, yeah.
Marc:And you play music.
Marc:But not like R&B.
Marc:You play, like, they might be giants.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:And...
Marc:And you get nostalgic and existential.
Guest:We play birdhouse in your soul over and over.
Guest:And then we just kind of talk about teachers and cry.
Guest:I bought a cod.
Guest:I like cooking whole fish.
Guest:And I found a place online.
Guest:And I was like, I'd like a whole fish.
Guest:What do you need?
Guest:And they said they needed a day's warning.
Guest:I said, sure.
Guest:Sure.
Guest:And what I didn't understand, I should have told them a weight because they gave me a 16 pound fish that was this big.
Guest:Holy shit.
Guest:But there were three of us.
Guest:When I said this big to those listening, it's four feet, three feet.
Guest:Anyway.
Marc:They give you a four-foot cod, and you had to give them a day's notice?
Guest:Yeah, I should have said I'd like a two-foot cod.
Guest:And they probably would have had that.
Guest:Lesson learned.
Marc:They went out special to get you a big fish.
Guest:Well, it was a fish market.
Guest:They just didn't chop it up into pieces.
Marc:Oh, so they gave you the whole fish.
Guest:I didn't, like, call a gas station.
Guest:They'd go, I need a whole fish tomorrow.
Guest:Get on it!
Guest:I'm from New York City and you're gonna do what I say.
Guest:It was a fish market that specializes in seafood.
Marc:Good call, man.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:I would have went the other way with that one.
Marc:So you had a four-foot cod?
Marc:How did you cook that, huge?
Guest:Well, I actually ended up having to cut it into smaller pieces.
Guest:But not the whole.
Guest:It's still some pretty big pieces.
Guest:I'm just writing down.
Marc:It was a good time.
Marc:I'm writing down that I need to say that to you more often.
Marc:How did you cook that, huge?
Marc:I think that could be a show.
Guest:I'm going to do a travel channel show where I go to Vietnam.
Marc:After Anthony Bourdain makes everyone uncomfortable.
Marc:Stay tuned for, how did you cook that, Hughes?
Marc:And then you don't really answer it clearly.
Marc:You just say stuff like, I cut it up.
Guest:I grilled its head and tail separately, but I got its head.
Guest:Its head was awesome.
Guest:Its head was this big, so we cooked it.
Marc:You grilled the head?
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:And then he ate the cheeks?
Guest:That's, yeah.
Marc:That's right.
Marc:Someone showed me that thing, and I do that now always.
Marc:If you don't know about that, if you ever get a whole fish grilled, you can pop the cheeks out, and it's very satisfying.
Marc:And it makes everyone else a little nervous.
Guest:But if the fish is gigantic, the cheeks are very big.
Guest:Right.
Guest:This is great.
Guest:This is good comedy radio.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:So you cut the head and the tail off, and you just threw the West away, or?
Marc:No, I grilled the middle part.
Marc:You grilled it all?
Guest:Yeah, yeah.
Guest:I ended up finishing it.
Marc:And how many friends did you have?
Marc:How many friends do you have, really?
Guest:In general, I mean, I don't know, 89.
Marc:Really?
Marc:89 real ones?
Marc:Probably four or five real ones, and then a lot of hangers on.
Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest:I have a crazy posse.
Guest:People, I am the real-life entourage.
Yeah.
Guest:People following me into record stores.
Guest:And sitting around Googling things.
Guest:Exactly.
Guest:Tweeting each other, giggling about Christine O'Donnell and her silly words.
Marc:What do you make of that whole situation?
Marc:How's that for a vague question?
Marc:Well... Are you going to blog for... What are you going to blog for?
Guest:Comedy Central.
Marc:I've heard of that.
Marc:That's...
Guest:It's a comedy-themed website and channel.
Marc:And they're sending you out to do it?
Guest:I mean, I'm going to probably be by a computer, but yeah.
Guest:They're going to have me do it from some location.
Marc:You're not going to do those funny videos where you just show up places and make people uncomfortable and then they look stupid?
Guest:Those take too much effort.
Guest:I did do one where I sat in a room.
Guest:I shot it in Provincetown and talked about the election.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Go check it out.
Guest:When does this air?
Guest:This airs like five weeks from now.
Marc:Well, it's going to be long after the election, yeah.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:If we don't cut this out entirely.
Marc:Oh.
Guest:No, no, this is... You should only keep the meandering parts so it sounds like I don't know what I'm doing.
Marc:So we wouldn't have to cut anything.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Ooh.
Guest:Can't believe you'd say something mean to such a nice person.
Yeah.
Marc:It was only to provoke that answer.
Marc:It's just to provoke you to do that.
Guest:You got me to snap.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:That's what you're going for.
Marc:That was Eugene's monster.
Marc:His monster's polite.
Marc:Eugene's monster talks exactly like Eugene, only slightly more sarcastic.
Guest:That's not how I behave, but okay.
Guest:That's me angry.
Guest:I wouldn't have chosen those words, but I understand why you did.
Marc:Eugene Merman, ladies and gentlemen.
Marc:Now you've moved down one.
Marc:Oh, my God.
Marc:That was so fun.
Marc:I am having a good time.
Marc:I think I am happier.
Marc:Uh-oh.
Marc:I think you just need some juice on mic, too.
Guest:Juice me.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:I could be more excited to have this next guest, because I've tried to have her on the show many times, and she's very busy, and I always believe her when she says she is.
Marc:Please welcome Kristen Schaal to this stage.
Thank you.
Marc:You kissed me on the mouth, hello.
Guest:Yeah, I just didn't know where to go because of all the facial hair.
Guest:I just went for the part that didn't have face hair.
Marc:You've fallen victim to my plan.
Marc:It's a target.
Marc:That's pretty sexy, though, in the sense that it's really an awkward segue, but I have not... You did write a sex book.
Marc:Is that true?
Guest:Yes.
Marc:Have you read it?
Marc:How many people have read it?
Guest:Oh, thanks.
Guest:Oh, my goodness.
Guest:You read what?
Guest:Oh, did you read The Square Hero?
Guest:Did you like it?
Guest:Okay, thank you.
Guest:Thanks.
Guest:Yeah, I think it could take off into a franchise.
Marc:We're pitching comics here.
Marc:It's a comic, you said?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:So if you have, there's definitely graphic artists and people in the room, so if you want to pitch it, you can.
Guest:Well, I should have you explain.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:It's about a woman who's a squirter.
Guest:You can be filthy on your... I expect it.
Marc:Not necessarily from you, but I'm pleasantly surprised.
Guest:Okay, so she's a squirter, but her vagina waters are deadly, and so what happens is when she's aroused and squirts, whoever is in
Guest:in the way just, like, melts into, like, you know, cottage cheese, human cottage cheese.
Guest:So she decides after killing her first lover when he took her virginity that she should use that power for good and starts fighting crime.
Guest:You know, like, rapists.
Guest:Basically, mostly rapists.
Guest:But also just, like, in any, like...
Guest:Anyone.
Guest:Yeah, so that's the squirt here.
Marc:That.
Marc:That is spectacular.
Guest:Thank you, thank you.
Guest:Where is that available?
Guest:Is that in your book?
Guest:That's in the book, yeah.
Marc:Shit, I gotta get the fucking book.
Marc:That sounds amazing.
Marc:You do know that, like, any time a squirter is first encountered by a gentleman, there is a response that is not unlike, like, ah!
Marc:So...
Guest:Well, I'm just curious.
Guest:I mean, because they do seem a bit like mythological creatures to me.
Guest:But I do believe they exist.
Guest:It's just like finding a four-leaf clover, you know?
Marc:Well, I've had one experience with one.
Marc:And, you know, my problem with squirting is I don't believe it.
Marc:In the sense that, like, I think you just peed on my face.
Yeah.
Marc:Like, you know, it's like, you know, I know it exists in nature, apparently, in the porn habitat.
Marc:I know that squirting apparently happens, but the jury's still out for me whether or not I just got peed on.
Guest:Well, I mean, my first question is, where was your face?
Marc:Is that really hard to figure out?
Guest:No, I guess not.
Marc:I was just walking into the room, and it was pretty impressive.
Guest:That was a dumb question.
Guest:I'm embarrassed.
Marc:No, really.
Marc:I literally said, hey, are we going to... And like, boom, face full of fucking pussy squirt.
Marc:Is that what you call it?
Guest:Yeah, I call it pussy juice.
Marc:I love hearing you talk like this.
Guest:I'm so sorry.
Marc:Well, you wrote the book.
Marc:I mean, I doubt it.
Guest:I co-wrote it.
Guest:With your... With my sweetheart.
Marc:So did you do a lot of research?
Marc:Were you like some sort of weird 60s couple that were like, well, let's try it.
Marc:We're going to write about it.
Marc:Go in the kitchen and pick one out.
Guest:We only wrote what we already knew because we had a deadline.
Guest:So we didn't have time to experiment and then like, let's pick up the pen.
Guest:I was like, holy shit, this is due on Friday.
Marc:So you didn't go, we got to start fucking in a bunch of weird ways.
Guest:No, we don't.
Marc:God, I feel filthy talking like that to you.
Guest:Why?
Marc:Because I have this image of you that you're perfect and angelic and that you never talk like this.
Guest:Well, I am.
Marc:Okay.
Guest:But now I guess I'm more perfect because I can talk about everything.
Guest:Brag.
Marc:I'm still hung up on the squirting thing.
Marc:Can we get, I don't know that we're going to get an honest answer.
Marc:Are there any squirters?
Marc:Yeah, okay.
Marc:So, one woman meekly, like, oh, if no one's going to jump in.
Guest:This lady in the front.
Marc:Oh, okay.
Marc:Sure.
Guest:You're human.
Marc:So you're surprised by it when it happens.
Marc:Sure, yeah.
Marc:Okay, all right.
Marc:And you don't have to pee.
Marc:No.
Marc:Okay.
Marc:I think we've just got proof that it exists.
Marc:Thank you for being honest.
Marc:I appreciate that.
Guest:That's exciting.
Marc:He's a little uncomfortable.
Marc:He's like, yeah, it doesn't happen all the time, but when it does, we're both like, whoa, I guess it's one of them nights.
Marc:So what else is in the book?
Marc:Can I ask you sex advice?
Marc:I'm trying to come up with a question.
Guest:You can do whatever you want.
Guest:You know, you are the first comedian that I saw when I moved to New York City.
Marc:Oh.
Guest:At the Luna Lounge.
Guest:Yeah, and I said, I want to stay.
Guest:Because I was ready to leave.
Guest:Because it's a terrible place to live.
Guest:And you don't have any money, and no one cares about you.
Guest:But then I, like, stumbled into the Luna Lounge.
Guest:I saw you.
Guest:I saw Eugene.
Guest:I saw John Glazer.
Marc:It's like a Luna reunion tonight.
Guest:It is, yeah.
Marc:Well, what was happening when you walked in?
Marc:Was it a good show?
Marc:You can take it out.
Marc:Whatever you want to do.
Guest:No, I'll just crouch.
Guest:um yeah you were you were talking about um how you were doing a show and some guy was like some like motorcycle riding looking guy was like shut up jews shut up oh yeah and then at the end you were like and then i he said good show after the show and i realized that that was the voice in my head yeah yeah i loved that
Guest:Not doing this story justice.
Marc:No, I'd like you to do my entire act for me.
Guest:That's about it.
Guest:You know, paranoid, paranoid.
Marc:I'm so fucking narcissistic.
Marc:I just pictured you doing my act and how wonderful that would be.
Guest:You know, I'd love it.
Guest:I would swap acts with you in a heartbeat.
Marc:Would we have to act like each other?
Guest:No, I think we should do it with our personas.
Marc:Oh, with our own voices?
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:Okay.
Marc:Let's do that.
Marc:We'll do a one-person show swap.
Guest:Okay.
Marc:Shawl and Marin, off-Broadway, doing Shawl and Marin.
Guest:Oh, yeah!
Guest:You would be so mad when the bird is not in the cage.
Guest:You would kill the cage.
Guest:It would be better.
Guest:Is that a bit?
Guest:Yeah, it's an old bit.
Guest:I'm just remembering old bits.
Guest:What was that bit?
Guest:That's when I was young.
Guest:What was that bit?
Guest:Oh, there's like a... It's like, oh, and now for my wing and sing and dancing bird.
Guest:And then I reveal, and the cage is empty, and there's a little note from the bird, and then there's a phone inside, and the bird calls me.
Guest:And he's like, sorry, we have like this one-sided conversation.
Guest:I'm just really sad.
Guest:I don't know.
Guest:A lot of my material is about being lonely, I guess.
Marc:I can see that being up my alley, though.
Guest:Yeah, absolutely.
Marc:Yeah, I think I need to do that kind of thing.
Marc:I need to get out of myself a little bit and talking to a fake bird in a cage that left a note, I think that's good for me.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Glad we worked that out.
Guest:Me too.
Guest:Okay, so what's your sex question?
Marc:Sex advice?
Marc:I've got to think if there's any new ones.
Marc:Now, do you, see, like, is anal disgust in your book?
Guest:You know, not enough.
Yeah.
Marc:Well, no, it's not my thing.
Marc:I just wondered if you had an angle on it.
Guest:I think we said if you, for the chapter about just how people get caught in a rote with their sex lives, that if you want to switch it up, you can try anal because it'll hurt.
Guest:It's like kind of, you know, wake you up out of here.
Guest:Anal is the coffee of sex.
Marc:So it's something you should start your day with?
Guest:That's the name of my really weird poetry book.
Marc:Feel great.
Marc:Went to Starbucks, got anal, and ready to go.
Marc:All right, that's good.
Marc:That went someplace.
Marc:That was fun.
Marc:Everybody got fucked first thing in the morning in the ass.
Marc:How great is that?
Guest:Well, terrific.
Marc:So you were on a book tour because we were going to hang out in L.A.
Marc:and you didn't.
Guest:Yeah, because my flight got delayed.
Guest:I just want to say, it's not that I'm too busy.
Guest:It's because my flight got delayed five hours.
Marc:No, I meant that genuinely.
Marc:I don't think you canceled.
Marc:I don't see you as that kind of person.
Marc:You're very honest.
Guest:All right.
Guest:Well, I felt terrible.
Marc:Now, when you go on the road, how's the reception?
Marc:Is it fun?
Guest:Oh, warm.
Guest:I only go to the safe places.
Guest:I was in San Francisco last weekend and that's a very safe place for me because those are my people.
Guest:But you know, someday I'll venture out.
Guest:I was sitting down by the Funny Bone in Shreveport, Louisiana, and I was thinking about going up, but I couldn't do it.
Guest:I couldn't do it.
Guest:It's like not in my world, you know.
Marc:You're like in a regular comedy club.
Guest:Yeah, I was like the Funny Bone.
Marc:A dirty, filthy comedy club.
Guest:Yeah, it's, I could have done it.
Marc:Yeah, oh yeah, you could have.
Guest:It was too much.
Guest:It's the funny thing about that, this is silly, is that at the Funny Bone in Shreveport, Louisiana, every comedian to start their set, and if the audience is waning, will take a toast to the troops, and it gets them right back to their side.
Guest:And so I was like, that's terrific.
Guest:And I, in New York, the first thing I did was toast the troops.
Guest:And I have to say, I was very disappointed in the New York attitude about that.
Guest:I was like, oh, fuck you.
Guest:Too good to toast the troops.
Guest:Not cool, New York.
Marc:Did you go on a tirade calling them anti-American?
Guest:I was just taken aback.
Guest:I was like, oh, who do you think you are that you can't, like, regardless of, you know, how much you dislike what's happening, you can't not toast the troops.
Marc:That's right.
Guest:You just can't not toast the troops.
Guest:I should rent for office.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:I think you are.
Marc:And I think the platform is Toast the Troops.
Guest:No, just toast.
Guest:We'll all get drunk.
Guest:It's patriotic.
Guest:Just fucking toast the troops.
Guest:Idiot.
Marc:Kristen Schaal running out as an independent.
Marc:The posters are just Toast the Troops, goddammit.
Marc:So, what's coming up?
Marc:Oh, you guys are both working on this Bob's Burgers thing.
Marc:Why don't you tell us a little bit about that?
Marc:I'm being a professional interviewer now.
Guest:Oh, sure.
Guest:Eugene and I are in a cartoon coming up on Fox January 9th after The Simpsons, and it's called Bob's Burgers.
Guest:We play brothers and sisters on the show, but I always think, and strangers have approached us, that we look like brother and sister in real life.
Guest:And we are.
Guest:And we are.
Guest:That's what we got together now.
Marc:What's Bob's Burgers about?
Marc:Is it a weird thing?
Guest:It's so weird.
Guest:Did I just sound like an old man?
Guest:Is it one of those cartoons I can't understand?
Guest:It's about a family that runs a burger place and lives adjacent to it.
Guest:It's a family charming comedy.
Guest:It's like a mainstream.
Guest:It's not anti-establishment propaganda.
Guest:It's not.
Marc:Not situation is propaganda.
Guest:A little.
Guest:The family gets to pick and soap and... John Benjamin plays the dad.
Guest:We're the kids.
Guest:And John Glazer has a guest role on it, too.
Marc:Well, I think that's a fine segue.
Marc:Thank you, Kristen Schaal.
Guest:You're welcome.
Marc:Stay here.
Marc:Move down.
Marc:Everybody stays.
Marc:But right now, as featured on Bob's Burgers and also his show, the... Oh, fuck, I forgot.
Marc:Delocated?
Marc:Yeah, Delocated.
Marc:John Glazer, ladies and gentlemen.
Marc:Hi.
Marc:Hi.
Guest:Doing all right?
Guest:Doing all right?
Guest:Good?
Guest:All right.
Guest:Hi, John.
Guest:Pussy juice.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Let's get into it.
Guest:Let's fucking start this thing hot.
Guest:Oh, what the fuck, you funny Jew?
Guest:That should be the lead character in your show.
Guest:Her name should just be Vagina Waters.
Guest:Have you had experience with that?
Guest:With squirting?
Guest:No, I have not.
Marc:Okay.
Marc:Glad we got that out of the way.
Guest:So, John.
Guest:I have not had any experience with that kind of pussy juice.
Guest:A little of that going.
Guest:But oddly enough, I do have a tattoo that says pussy juice.
Guest:Dot, dot, dot.
Guest:In my dreams.
Guest:I'm not going to drop this persona the whole night.
Guest:That's fine, man.
Marc:I just did a show with Charles Fleischer.
Marc:Do you remember Charles Fleischer?
Marc:Maybe not.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:And he literally did a black voice almost the entire time.
Marc:And at some point, you have to mention it because...
Marc:There's something kind of wrong about it, but he didn't seem to be able to step out of it.
Marc:It's sort of what he does now.
Guest:We just were recording some... We're making a DVD for Delocated.
Guest:And very, very happy.
Guest:And we were recording some commentary.
Guest:And John Lee, who's one of the directors, and he's a member of the group PFFR, and they also help write the show and very involved.
Guest:We did commentary for one of the episodes yesterday.
Guest:And we talked like this the whole time.
Guest:And didn't even talk about what was happening on the screen.
Guest:We basically sat in this room.
Guest:There's the screen.
Guest:And I guess this is the first time I've done it.
Guest:I've never had a show.
Guest:I've done it for my own show.
Guest:You watch the episode and you comment on it, I guess.
Guest:And we didn't even look at the screen.
Guest:We're just looking at each other.
We're just talking about it.
Guest:Really dumb, but it was pretty entertaining for us.
Guest:I'm not sure if anyone will like it.
Guest:Are you kidding?
Guest:They're going to fucking love it.
Marc:What season is it?
Marc:Because I interviewed you on Break Room Live and you were wearing the thing.
Guest:This is the second season is currently airing and we're almost done editing it.
Guest:There's three more episodes to go.
Guest:And he's in it, right?
Guest:I'm in it, yeah.
Guest:Eugene Merman's in it.
Guest:I have a small role on everything out of New York City.
Guest:That's my rule.
Marc:And people who don't know you just say this a lot, there's that guy again.
Guest:Yeah, running from channel to channel.
Marc:It's gotten to the point with you, I think, if you're seen on the street, people think somebody's shooting something.
Marc:They see Eugene Mervyn, they're like, where are the cameras?
Marc:Are we in something?
Okay.
Guest:Must be some kind of show.
Guest:Pussy juice.
Guest:Man, you see that new show, Pussy Juice?
Guest:Fuck.
Guest:Starring Vagina Waters.
Marc:So, John, I've known you a long time, but we don't talk a lot.
Marc:And I don't want to make it awkward, but I think that... You just did.
You just did.
Guest:I know.
Guest:Mission accomplished.
Guest:Man, this dude just pulled a fucking George Bush.
Guest:Mission accomplished.
Remember that?
Guest:But we're okay, right?
Guest:Me and you?
Guest:We're totally okay.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:You mentioned that before, that you said you didn't... Yeah, I don't know where that came from.
Marc:I don't know, because I just decided that you didn't like me, and I felt like... I think that's where it came from.
Guest:You just decided.
Guest:Clearly.
Guest:And if there's any ambiguity, I'll tell you that's exactly where it came from.
Marc:You just decided.
Marc:With you, it was really specific.
Marc:I really felt like I was being left out at summer camp.
Marc:Like, for some reason, I pictured that we were a Jewish summer camp and you were cooler than me and just would not fucking talk to me like you talk to other people.
Guest:All of it's true except for the part about me not talking.
Guest:Summer camp, me cooler.
Guest:Oh, that's terrible.
Guest:I'm sorry you felt that way.
Guest:I'm sorry if I gave that off.
Marc:I'm sorry for thinking it.
Marc:I feel better now.
Marc:Can I call you a lot?
Guest:Absolutely.
Marc:From here on out, I can email.
Marc:What's up, buddy?
Marc:How's it going?
Guest:Oh, what's up, dude?
Guest:Oh, fuck.
Guest:Remember we did that pussy juice video podcast?
Guest:That was hilarious.
Guest:F dot dot dot U dot dot C dot dot K exclamation point times a million.
Guest:Bam!
Guest:I have this function on my computer where I have just a built-in paste of a million exclamation points.
Guest:Cause I like, I like do it a lot.
Guest:It just saves time.
Guest:I was like, fuck it.
Guest:So I just had it made.
Guest:I designed it myself.
Guest:I'm going to try to make it an app.
Guest:What would you call the app?
Guest:The app!
Guest:One million X points.
Guest:I don't got time to say exclamation.
Guest:Man, I really am doing this persona.
Guest:Fun.
Guest:Too fun.
Marc:I got a friend that does exclamation points on all the texts, and at first I found it intrusive and sort of boundaryless, but I've gotten used to it.
Marc:Because I could not detach from the fact that it was like, hey, how's it going?
Guest:I know, yeah, just like that, like all capitals, feels like yelling.
Guest:That's my mom.
Guest:You know what I...
Guest:My mom is all capitals.
Marc:It's almost as if I don't think she knows how not to do it.
Marc:I'm curious if every email she sends everybody is in all caps because she just doesn't know where the fucking button is.
Marc:But it always just sounds to me like, how are you?
Marc:I love you.
Marc:That's how I read it.
Guest:It always comes across like yelling.
Guest:There's no question.
Marc:My dad's gotten into cutting and pasting weird... My father, who's, as you know, a manic-depressive fucking whack job, now on every email, there's some weird dancing guy with a party hat on.
Marc:And I don't know where he got it or what he's thinking, but he sends me this bipolar, paranoid bullshit, and at the bottom, there's just a...
Marc:Fucking dancing guy with a hat on.
Marc:Like, that's going to undercut 46 years of fucking insanity that created the monster inside me that I peed fish oil on his recommendation.
Marc:Enough about me.
Guest:Does anybody do shark cartilage?
Guest:No, dude.
Guest:That's in health food stores, right?
Guest:Shark cartilage?
Guest:That's a Chinese thing.
Guest:What?
Marc:Does anyone have any input?
No.
Marc:Oh, okay.
Marc:Okay.
Marc:Now, but wait, sir.
Marc:Are you anti-vitamin?
Marc:No, I'm not.
Marc:Anti-shark.
Marc:No, it's the way they harvest the shark cartilage that is... Oh, fucking buzzkill.
Marc:Sorry, dude.
Marc:I had to do it.
Marc:You asked for it.
Marc:No, I did, but like my... You put a little cove on you, man.
Guest:Do they kill it with a dolphin?
Guest:Oh, fucking cove.
Marc:No, I think the issue with the thing with the shark fin, I know they cut the fins off and then they cripple the shark, which is sad.
Marc:And the shark cartilage, I don't know anything about it.
Marc:I don't take it.
Marc:But I do know that the fish oil I take is very pure and the fish die happy.
Marc:My dad's very specific about getting happy, unpolluted salmon who live in the wild and are literally surprised when they're killed.
Marc:It's that good.
Marc:It's a little more expensive because the fish doesn't know it's coming.
Marc:Do you take vitamins?
Guest:I do take vitamins.
Guest:I'm trying to because I always feel like I'm getting sick all the time and my immune system is terrible.
Guest:So I've been taking like vitamin D and a pretty good multi.
Guest:Yeah?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Which one?
Guest:It's called wellness.
Guest:Oh, I know wellness.
Guest:I truly believe it's pretty good.
Guest:And then I've been doing this pack of some greens, but it's like powdered greens.
Guest:Powdered greens, sure.
Guest:It's a gym called, I think, David Kirsch.
Guest:It's like a fancy gym and someone had it.
Guest:And you read the ingredients and it's like, there's no way.
Guest:It's like...
Guest:you know Jerusalem artichoke and like cauliflower root it's all these crazy ingredients in it but you mix it and it looks like it's pretty looks like the real deal yeah pretty good but then there's a health food store near where we're editing the show and I try to go there and then you get a juice and the guy that works there is so great he's so funny and I told him that he's like you've got to do I don't want to I think he's either Indian or I don't want to do an offensive accent well if you think he's Indian do the Indian he's so adorable
Guest:But he's a very cute man.
Guest:He's very, very funny.
Marc:Oh, that's better to condescend by saying he's cute.
Marc:I know.
Marc:Much better to say that than to the voice.
Marc:Oh, he's cute.
Marc:He's that cute little brown man who works at the... As soon as I said cute, I instantly regret it.
Guest:Believe me.
Guest:And if it's any consolation, I'll feel bad for the rest of this year, for sure.
Guest:Not longer.
Guest:I think you should apologize to him.
Guest:I'll be walking down the street and not have thought about it in a long time.
Guest:It'll pop in my head and I'll just literally stop in my tracks.
Guest:So what did he say about the... He's, when I told him, he's like, you have to do this.
Guest:And I told him I was going to get a fruit juice.
Guest:He said, no, do the mixed vegetables and then put some fruit in that.
Guest:And I said, well, I kind of get my greens in the morning.
Guest:I do like a powdered juice.
Guest:And he was just like, oh, come on.
Guest:Like, he had a look at his head like, no.
Marc:And then you said, oh, look at you.
Guest:And I went, oh, you silly.
Guest:I said, I get mad.
Guest:I would disagree if you were so cute.
Guest:Now mix my juice.
Guest:Now make my juice.
Guest:But he did.
Guest:I tried to do another juice and he called it a baby juice.
Guest:So I think now I'm validated and calling him cute.
Marc:But that's the amazing thing about that, like the green pack.
Marc:When you read all those ingredients, you're like, I'm eating a field.
Marc:I'm eating a field.
Guest:An empire of vegetables.
Guest:Look, I think it's good for me and I feel sort of better.
Marc:And as I said earlier in my monologue, that that's all that counts.
Marc:Even though you're a sucker and I'm a sucker.
Marc:And there's people that you tell I take vitamins and they go, you know you're a fucking idiot, right?
Marc:Because they don't work.
Marc:And I say, we'll see who lives longer.
Guest:He who lives longest laughs last.
Guest:Yeah!
Guest:Next week on Pussy Juice.
Marc:John Glazer, ladies and gentlemen.
Thanks.
Marc:You can move down one.
Marc:We're slowly heading towards cedar.
Marc:I'm preparing.
Marc:I'm preparing.
Marc:Someone in the audience saw me before the show and said, was it hard to get cedar?
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:Yes, we've got cedar slams.
Marc:My next guest is a... I'm not going to be condescending.
Marc:I've always liked her, and she blew me off a lot.
Marc:And then she ended up doing the podcast, so I wanted to have her on this one.
Marc:But everything's cool with us.
Marc:Jesse Klein, ladies and gentlemen.
Marc:Hi.
Guest:You're the only person who introduces people through your whole list of insecurities.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:That's so crazy.
Marc:Is there another way to do it?
Guest:You can potentially say why you like them or something.
Guest:But you're waywards too.
Marc:Hold on, let me write that down.
Marc:Work on intros.
Marc:Be nicer.
Marc:It's not about you.
Marc:You can try it again.
Marc:My next guest has worked on several, you know, you can stay here, just pretend, several popular television comedies.
Marc:She worked on the Michael and Michael show.
Marc:She briefly wrote at SNL.
Marc:She's a tremendous comedian and an inspiration to women everywhere.
Marc:Please welcome Jesse Klein to this day.
Guest:Luke, how did that feel for you?
Marc:How did that feel for you?
Marc:It felt awkward.
Marc:I felt like I had erased myself as I was saying it.
Marc:I felt erased and having a boundary and being respectful was awkward.
Guest:Yeah, it felt like a big lie.
Marc:No, it wasn't a lie.
Marc:I'm a big fan of yours.
Marc:And since you finally did the show, after many attempts, I felt better.
Guest:Many attempts.
Guest:What did I bring?
Marc:She showed up in LA at my garage with a box of ruglach.
Marc:She brought you cookies.
Guest:I did.
Guest:I brought him a box of the most Jewish... I basically brought him a small synagogue in a box.
Yeah.
Marc:She brought fucking hamantashen.
Guest:I did.
Marc:And that's what they call them.
Marc:It's a really hip Jewish bakery.
Marc:They're called fucking hamantashen.
Guest:I was staying.
Guest:I was in L.A.
Guest:and I was staying near a Jewish bakery.
Guest:And so I thought of you.
Marc:It worked, man.
Guest:You literally, like, you melted like a snow cap.
Guest:Oh, yeah.
Guest:Just totally.
Guest:With each bite, you got, like, a little bit more cuddly.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:And then I started crying.
Guest:But the last one, you were like Leno.
Guest:You were just like a...
Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest:It went from like, hey Jess, thanks for coming out.
Guest:And then by the end you're like, how you doing that?
Guest:It's basically that.
Marc:I think I started crying and calling for my grandmother by the end of the box.
Guest:That was the plan.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I just want to make you upset.
Guest:That's an action movie.
Guest:Three Bites to Leno.
Guest:After Pussy Juice.
Guest:After Pussy Juice.
Guest:Starring Ben Affleck as The Bites.
Marc:I don't even know what that is.
Marc:It'd definitely be his career on the decline, I think.
Guest:Yeah, I know.
Guest:He's doing okay.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:So let's talk about you for a minute.
Marc:I'll try to do that.
Marc:I'm going to get out of myself and say, how are things going with you, Jesse?
Guest:I'm just...
Guest:You're the only person who can ask that question and it feels like you're cutting my face with a razor.
Guest:How are you doing?
Guest:Come on.
Guest:I'm good.
Marc:I'm good.
Marc:I was half in love with you once.
Guest:No, you were never.
Guest:Was that your girlfriend that I met at your house?
Marc:I hope so.
Guest:Was it?
Marc:I don't know if she was my girlfriend then.
Marc:People seem confused when they walk in and see her there.
Marc:She's usually sitting on the couch playing Froggy.
Marc:I don't know why.
Guest:She was on a little iPad.
Marc:Yeah, that's it.
Guest:Yeah, that's your lady.
Marc:Yeah, that's my lady.
Guest:With the glasses.
Marc:Right, with glasses.
Marc:She's cute.
Guest:She and I could be related.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:I thought.
Marc:Well, I think that brings us around to my obsession with you.
Guest:She was...
Marc:As close as I could get.
Marc:I said, those are Jessie glasses.
Guest:I want her.
Guest:Those are Jessie glasses.
Guest:It's a type.
Guest:But I also, you know, when I was looking backstage and I was watching on the monitor, I feel like we, I guess just we're Jews, but I was like, we could be brother and sister, sort of.
Marc:Sure.
Marc:I'll play along with anything.
Marc:I don't have a sister, but I can activate that fantasy if you'd like.
Marc:Hey, I hope mom and dad don't come home.
Marc:Until we finish our game.
Guest:See, if I had known it would be like this, I would have said yes.
Guest:If I had known we could go right to our sibling fuck fantasy, I would have immediately said, yes, Mark, I'll go out with you.
Guest:Too sweet.
Guest:Let's get this done.
Marc:You did the right thing by not going out with me.
Guest:Was I like the first person you asked out after you got divorced?
Marc:Yeah.
Yeah.
Marc:And I'm not sure my intentions were righteous.
Guest:No, I was super flattered by it.
Marc:Well, that's nice to hear.
Guest:Well, I think we've made just the right amount of awkward.
Marc:Oh, I can always go further with that.
Marc:I'm not afraid.
Marc:I embrace awkwardness.
Marc:But do you have a boyfriend?
No.
Guest:I mean, I have a brother.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:That's what I'm talking about.
Marc:Boom.
Marc:No shit, boom.
Marc:I'm in the park.
Guest:Zoom, zoom, zoom.
Guest:I mean, I have parents, Mark.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:Hey.
Marc:So, yeah, you grew up in New York.
Guest:I grew up in New York.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Born here.
Marc:But seriously,
Marc:Do you have a boyfriend?
Guest:Mark, I can't talk about it.
Guest:I'm like a teenage pop star where I have to, no matter what's going on, I have to present a single for my creepy fans.
Guest:For my legions of creepy fans.
Marc:You want to leave that door open?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Yeah, why wouldn't you?
Marc:Maybe someone will tattoo your name on their arm.
Guest:I have one only hopes.
Guest:Or maybe you.
Guest:I don't know.
Marc:So, but why don't you tell me what you've been doing?
Guest:What have I... Okay, well, I just... Oh, I didn't tell you this before.
Guest:I just taped a half-hour special for Comedy Central.
Guest:Oh...
Guest:Thank you.
Guest:Thank you very much everybody.
Guest:I've been doing comedy for 10 years and I squeezed 21 minutes out of it.
Guest:Finally.
Guest:I came up with 21 minutes.
Marc:Where'd you tape it?
Guest:At John Jay College of Criminal Justice.
Guest:Which is always, so much comedy happens there during the day that even if you're not funny at night, it's just like, you can feel the laughs in there.
Guest:It's like in forensics classes where they're like looking at bloody hair or whatever they do.
Guest:At the College of... Well, I don't know what it is.
Guest:The College of Criminal Justice.
Guest:What does that mean?
Guest:Like they're looking at bloody hair?
Marc:I don't know.
Marc:Does anyone have any ideas?
Marc:The College of Criminal Justice?
Marc:Eugene?
Guest:Well, I think it is forensic science.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Like, is there any cum under this person's nails?
Guest:Like that kind of stuff.
Marc:Oh, that just brought up a memory.
LAUGHTER
Marc:I had a biology teacher in ninth grade who brought in a handbook of a pathology handbook, like a criminal pathology handbook that he let us look at.
Marc:And it was just pictures of people that had been in rivers for weeks.
Marc:Oh, no.
Marc:with shotgun wounds and shit.
Marc:And I'm like, it was, I think I was in ninth grade.
Marc:And Mr. Barsanti, I don't remember anything else about that class except for this weird lady that, yeah, of bloated people.
Guest:We just said that together.
Guest:We should get married.
Guest:Fuck right now.
Guest:Fuck right now.
Guest:Fuck right now.
Guest:Fuck right now.
Guest:Wow.
Wow.
Guest:I don't know why I didn't invite my parents to the show.
Guest:They should have been here.
Guest:I'm feeling an ache that they're not here.
Guest:Well, you do dirty, filthy comedy sometimes.
Guest:Yeah, and I never invite them to shows.
Guest:You never invite your parents to shows?
Guest:My dad has literally never not once seen me do comedy ever.
Guest:What does he think you do?
Guest:I think he thinks that I run a post office or something.
Guest:I don't know.
Guest:I don't know what he thinks I do.
Marc:He's never seen you do comedy?
Guest:Yeah, but not, because I'm not inviting him.
Guest:I'm sure he would want to come back.
Marc:He didn't come to your special?
Guest:I didn't, he doesn't even know that I did it.
Guest:I didn't tell, my dad is a very serious, criminal, he was in, he actually worked in criminal justice.
Guest:He was a probate, he was a probation officer.
Marc:Holy shit.
Guest:Someone just gasped.
Guest:I don't know if he was your probation officer.
Guest:He's not here.
Guest:You can do whatever you want.
Guest:Yeah.
Yeah.
Marc:So your dad, he spent his days meeting with people who were out on parole that did horrible things.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:And then he'd come home, and you would just keep your distance.
Guest:Well, we did have the thing where he would come home.
Guest:We lived in a very tiny apartment, but he would come home.
Guest:And my dad is, I love my, I have a wonderful dad, but he is very serious and he would come home and it was the thing of like, don't talk to your father for 30 minutes.
Guest:Oh shit, I wish I had that.
Guest:There was just like, leave your father alone for 30 minutes.
Marc:Really?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:So your father had to be insulated?
Guest:He would just like go into his room and, but I mean he probably had a fucking weird ass day.
Guest:I don't know.
Marc:He has to decompress.
Guest:He probably needed to decompress.
Marc:I have the opposite experience.
Marc:My mother would be like, please, please go upstairs and make your father laugh.
Guest:Put on your finger puppet and you'll meet your dad.
Marc:Absolutely.
Marc:He hasn't gotten ahead of bed in two days.
Marc:You're the only one that can help.
Guest:Oh, my God.
Marc:No shit.
Guest:Yeah, there was one... My dad also had to go... Sometimes he would have to do... He would have to go visit somebody in prison, like at Rikers.
Marc:Did you ever go?
Marc:That sounds fun for a little girl.
Guest:Oh, yeah.
Guest:It was Taker, Dotted, Orpheus, something Rikers.
Guest:They just let us walk around.
Marc:Just run around.
Marc:Daddy's going to do his job.
Guest:Just a bunch of little white girls with pigtails walking around Rikers, deciding if this is what we want to do.
Marc:They have a name for those in Rikers.
Marc:Food.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:But he did, it was my very, I was about, I was 14 and I was going, I was about to go on my very first date and I hadn't,
Guest:I don't tell my parents anything that I'm doing.
Guest:It was going to be my first kiss.
Guest:I was a late bloomer.
Guest:I was excited.
Marc:How old were you?
Guest:I was 14.
Guest:For the first kiss?
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:Because what happened was I'm getting ready.
Guest:My dad comes home.
Guest:He always looks very serious, but he looks extra serious.
Guest:He was like, we need to have a family meeting.
Guest:and i'm like literally five minutes away from like making out with a guy who was not someone i really should he had a rat tail but anyway so this was all like god's intervention but um but he was and i'm like i'm like i don't in my head i'm like i don't care what this family meeting is about but like if we're getting evicted if they're getting divorced just tell me after i kiss this guido and uh
Guest:And anyway, so he pulls aside and he was like, I, um, we've all like, we got tested at work.
Guest:Cause there's like a huge tuberculosis, uh, problem at Rikers cause everybody's in such close quarters.
Guest:So he was like, I had a test for TB and it was inconclusive.
Guest:So you all have, we don't know yet.
Guest:So it's so contagious through the air.
Marc:Fucking buzzkill that hits.
Guest:So listen, so he's like, so you all have to get tested.
Guest:Because it's so incredibly contagious.
Guest:And you know, it's fucking dangerous, horrible, possibly fatal disease.
Guest:And my mom had sort of intuited that I was getting ready to go on a date.
Guest:I told my mom.
Guest:So she pulls my dad aside.
Guest:Then my dad pulls me aside and he and it was the most awkward moment We've ever had enough and he pulls me aside and he goes Your mother told me you're about to go out with a young fella, which I was like And then he goes I just have to tell you No kissing
Guest:because I might have, like, deadly fucking tuberculosis.
Guest:So I'm like, I'm going to roll with this.
Guest:And I literally go downstairs, and this guy, he was 18, and he's, like, he's picking me up in a car.
Marc:And you're about to ruin his night.
Guest:And I literally go up to him, and I was like, so, just so you know, I might have tuberculosis, so...
Guest:so what are we doing tonight and like his like rat tail started to like quiver and uh and then we went we went out to dinner we like barely spoke and then we saw bird on a wire starring fucking goldie hawn and future anti-semi mel gibson and then he like dropped me off and like sped away like the car did like a fishtail out
Marc:He drove immediately to a car wash in Queens.
Guest:Yeah, I was like, the car did not stop for me to get out.
Guest:And then it turns out none of us had tuberculosis.
Guest:Nobody had it.
Guest:We were all fine.
Marc:Did you call him back and say, I want another shot?
Yeah.
Guest:No, I think he had his phone disconnected.
Marc:Those are magic words to a man.
Marc:Tests came out clean.
Marc:We're back on.
Guest:I don't have the disease that killed Kafka.
Guest:Would you like to have mayhaps touched me in any way?
Guest:Jesse Klein, ladies and gentlemen.
Marc:Thank you.
Marc:Move down.
Marc:And now this is a touching moment for me.
Marc:And because this gentleman and myself worked together for a year that seemed like many years.
Marc:And every day I had to go in and try to deal with him.
Marc:And I love him, and this is a lot like Martin and Lewis getting together on that telethon.
Marc:But I have nothing but respect for this guy.
Marc:He's very funny, he's very smart, and incredibly annoying.
Marc:Please welcome Sam Seder to the stage.
Marc:Thank you.
Guest:I don't think it's a coincidence that I was brought up last with the hopes of squeezing me, squeezing my time a little bit.
Guest:No, we have 15 minutes for you.
Guest:This is a little bit different than the other interviews I should tell you folks right now.
Marc:I know how it's going to go.
Marc:It's not the same dynamic.
Marc:Nope.
Marc:You're just going to keep talking.
Marc:That's right.
Guest:I already have a list of issues that I am taking with everything that's already gone on.
Guest:You're going to see a different dynamic here, folks.
Guest:It's not going to be marked.
Guest:It's not going to get away with this passive-aggressive shit.
Guest:How am I passive-aggressive?
Guest:I have actually two instances up here that I've written down.
Guest:One was when you said to Jesse, you briefly wrote on SNL.
Guest:Well, that was awkward.
Guest:Particularly after you had been reproached for the way that you introduced her.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:You still managed, like, on your second try, the best you could do was briefly you worked on SNL.
Guest:And then I had noticed with Eugene, sort of a classic Marinism.
Guest:Oh, shit.
Yeah.
Guest:where you both communicated simultaneously, like, where you said to him, like, you're the guy everybody sees but doesn't really know who he is, and all those small lips.
Guest:Where you communicate both, like, I resent you for working so much, but don't get the idea that you're bigger than me.
Marc:It's all right, Mark.
Marc:Now, those are classic Marinisms.
Marc:Why are you clapping?
Why are you clapping?
Marc:Do not be swayed by this.
Marc:I know what he's doing.
Guest:There's another thing, actually, where you said to Glazer, I interviewed you with a mask on Break Room Live.
Guest:And John, you can confirm this for me, but I don't think you had any part of that.
Guest:I mean, I brought John in.
Guest:I think you showed up last minute.
Guest:I think you were actually against it.
Guest:I think you had an issue with it.
Marc:No, Sam, I think what you're trying to do now, that's a hazy one.
Marc:The other ones are fine, but that was just you being an asshole.
Guest:Right, okay.
Guest:No, we're going to get to that part.
Marc:We've been in it for five minutes.
Guest:I haven't been here for five minutes.
Guest:I have a clock on this.
Marc:Yeah, we're about out of time.
Guest:We can wrap it up.
Marc:And incidentally, I was also on Bob's Burgers.
Marc:Okay, all right.
Marc:Okay, Sam.
Marc:Is that all of them?
Marc:No.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:Your behavior last year nearly ruined my life.
Guest:That was one of the things I wanted to do.
Marc:Whoa, fuck, that's fucking mutual.
Marc:Are you kidding me?
Marc:All right, okay, we're getting real?
Marc:Okay, we'll get real.
Okay.
Guest:Fuck right now!
Guest:Fuck right now!
Guest:Fuck right now!
Guest:Fuck right now!
Marc:Now I'm gonna start eating compulsively.
Marc:Yeah, what else?
Guest:Keep reading your fucking list.
Guest:I do.
Guest:I do.
Guest:I am coming armed with a confession.
Guest:What does that mean?
Guest:It means that I... That you ruined our show on purpose?
Guest:No, no, no.
Guest:No.
Guest:Actually, let's be honest.
Guest:Well, you want to go...
Marc:I don't know how you feel about this.
Marc:You're not a guy that discusses your feelings.
Marc:It's just all weird attacks and arguments and it's just tedious.
Guest:I really can't believe your show didn't work.
Guest:There's a debate as to whether or not this is compelling.
Guest:I'm okay with that.
Guest:Am I getting the red light?
Marc:No.
Guest:Are you serious?
Guest:That's an exit slide.
Guest:Keep confessing.
Guest:Don't check your watch.
Guest:No, I'm not.
Guest:I'm not.
Guest:I just wanted to make sure you had plenty of time.
Guest:No, I got plenty of time.
Guest:Yeah, but we only have so much time.
Guest:No, you got plenty of time.
Guest:Your 9.30 show can wait, okay?
Marc:Will Arnett, it's not showing.
Marc:I know that.
Marc:That didn't hurt me.
Marc:That didn't hurt me.
Guest:I do have one confession tonight.
Guest:First of all, I have to say that working with you, I really do feel like I have insight to you in a way that few do.
Guest:First of all, no one's been able to work with you for as long as I did.
Guest:But I think that goes... Well, that's true, right?
Guest:Well, what about with you?
Marc:I mean, I don't... I mean, I've worked with many people for... For how long, Sam?
Marc:A couple of years.
Marc:No, that's bullshit.
Marc:You work with people for like two weeks and then people are like, I don't know what the fuck to do with them.
Marc:Then you claim that you got fired on purpose.
Marc:I know how it works.
Guest:That's true of Jim Belushi.
Guest:But aside from Jim Belushi, no, I've worked with people for 10 periods of time.
Guest:Sure, sure.
Guest:Let's get them on the show.
Guest:But look, I'm going to make this admission.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:Because there was a lot of times on our show where I would needle Mark a little bit.
Guest:Very easy to set Mark off.
Guest:I don't know if you noticed that.
Okay.
Marc:They expect it.
Guest:No, but I was so annoyed with you at one point.
Guest:Like, this is the only time I ever did it with premeditation.
Marc:I thought this was going to be an apology.
Guest:No, it's just a message.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:I think it was perfectly justified on my part.
Marc:Okay.
Guest:But I was just so annoyed having to come into work and Mark would just yell at his computer, yell at Facebook.
Yeah.
Guest:yell at fans for returning emails that you had responded to them to?
Guest:This fucking girl, why is she fucking emailing me?
Marc:She's living at my house now.
Guest:What are you doing?
Guest:What are you doing, Mark?
Guest:I'm riding her back.
Guest:Would you like to work three feet away from that constantly happening?
Guest:So I came in one morning and I was just like, I can't fucking deal with this.
Guest:How should I fuck with Mark today?
Guest:So I sat down on my computer, and I think a lot of people here obviously listen to your show.
Guest:So there's no... I'd say most of them.
Guest:There's no dynamic that I need to sort of... I don't need to provide any exposition on this story.
Guest:No, no, they understand.
Guest:I think people will get this immediately.
Guest:So I sit down on my computer, and I just wait, and I just go...
Guest:This was about, I guess about a year and a half ago.
Guest:I go, holy shit!
Guest:And I look at you and Brendan, pretend like I'm talking to Brendan, but I'm really saying this for your benefit.
Guest:I go, did you see these fucking ads for Patton Oswalt's movie?
Guest:This fucking movie's gonna be huge!
Guest:That's it, that's all I say.
Guest:This is Mark.
Guest:Ten minutes go by.
Guest:What the fuck is this?
Guest:What the fuck is this fucking show?
Guest:Why that fucking... Storm out of the room.
Guest:Why aren't they fucking promoting our show?
Guest:And I just... I felt a little bit guilty about that.
Guest:And I wanted to cop to it, mostly because I thought it would be entertaining stories that...
Marc:It was almost an apology.
Guest:Yeah, no, I'm not, I'm not.
Marc:No, no, you don't have anything to apologize for.
Marc:Was it worth the 10-minute wait?
Guest:Oh, God, are you kidding?
Guest:It was fucking fantastic.
Guest:It was better.
Guest:It's better just to watch, like you just like pretending to be checking your Facebook or your Twitter or your email or Googling yourself.
Guest:I don't do that.
Marc:I don't do that.
Marc:I don't do that.
Marc:I don't do that.
Marc:The other one.
Guest:And just watch the brain just like, wait a second.
Guest:I'm not.
Marc:I wasn't feeding the monster vitamins then.
Marc:Right, yeah.
Marc:Yeah, well, I'm glad you had such a good time setting me off.
Guest:I felt guilty.
Guest:I felt guilty.
Marc:I felt it was like a... But you do that all the time.
Marc:You're like one of those people that you... No, not with the same premeditation.
Marc:You're like an intellectual whoopee cushion setter.
Marc:You just like to make people freak out, and then you're like, oh, what's the matter?
Marc:And then two years later, you admit to it.
Guest:I don't...
Guest:I don't think that's completely accurate.
Guest:I definitely liked doing that with you.
Guest:I don't find it quite as satisfying or as easy with other people.
Guest:There were times where you were just insisting upon it.
Marc:The other side of that is, and I have a confession to make too, is that most of the days in that show,
Marc:when we hosted Break Room Live, whenever you would walk out of the room, I would say to Brendan, what the fuck are we going to do with Sam?
Marc:I can't fucking deal with it anymore.
Marc:What the fuck are we going to do with Sam?
Marc:That's not a surprise to me.
Guest:We had a confrontation about that.
Guest:We did?
Guest:Yes.
Guest:I said, why do you keep going to the producers with the problems you have with me?
Guest:And you're like, that's what producers are for!
Marc:Because I know that if I talked to you about it, you would somehow convince me that it was my fault.
Marc:And then you'd convince me that maybe I shouldn't be on the show at all, even though it was my show.
Guest:Does anybody here who knew, who watched Break Room Live?
Marc:No, of course not.
Marc:I'm kidding, I'm kidding.
Marc:All of them are here.
Guest:Did anybody notice that we switched the format every three weeks?
Marc:That was because I couldn't work with Sam.
Guest:We literally had to switch the format every three weeks.
Marc:Yeah, because you're unbearable.
Guest:Well, I mean, but that, you know...
Marc:That made the show very difficult to get into a rhythm.
Marc:I know, but the people that liked it really liked it.
Marc:And I think they liked it for the right reason.
Guest:It was a dynamic quality, yes.
Guest:All the people here.
Marc:This has been very difficult for us to do because you've had a good time making me feel bad.
Marc:I should say one thing.
Marc:What?
Guest:SamCedarShow.com and SamCedar.com.
Guest:I'm going to be launching my own daily political show.
Marc:Thank God.
Guest:Could very well be playing by the time this plays.
Guest:But no, continue.
Marc:Okay, so that's great.
Marc:So I guess what we need to know is where to send you money.
Guest:Just go to SamCedarShow.com.
Guest:Everything will be explained there.
Marc:Sam Cedar, ladies and gentlemen.
Thank you.
Marc:That was good.
Marc:15 minutes.
Marc:No, no, we're good.
Marc:That's our show.
Marc:Sam Seder, Jesse Klein, John Glazer, Kristen Schaal, Eugene Merman.
Marc:Thank you for coming out to comics for live WTF.
Marc:Go to WTFPod.com.
Marc:Give me some money.
Marc:Buy some shit.
Marc:Have some JustCoffee.coop.
Marc:I love you, New York.
Marc:Good night.