BONUS WTF Collections - Epic Failures
Guest:Hey, Full Marin listeners, this is Brendan, producer of WTF, here with another WTF collection.
Guest:We've been corralling some of the great stories told in the history of WTF and putting them together in these themed collections.
Guest:And the theme this month is Epic
Guest:And these were some of the really, truly great, wonderful, remarkable stories told by our guests.
Guest:Mark and I have always remembered these particular stories and have brought them up from time to time with each other whenever we need a laugh or really just talking about something amazing and memorable.
Guest:These five stories seem to come up a lot.
Guest:And we're going to start off with something way, way back in the very early days of WTF, back in 2009.
Guest:This was from episode 27, and it is H. John Benjamin talking with Mark about his history of pulling pranks, and one time it went disastrously wrong.
Marc:So tell me about some of these, like, you know, you guys do these pranks on each other, and I don't understand that type of comedy.
Marc:What do you mean?
Guest:You and Sam.
Guest:You're so ridiculous.
Guest:You've never pulled a prank on someone?
Guest:No, it's mean and hurtful.
Guest:That's not true.
Guest:It's not?
Guest:No.
Guest:Maybe you weren't the crying boy in seventh grade.
Guest:Well, I mean, I can't take responsibility for your childhood.
Guest:why not that's not fair well okay the prank you did on the phone that was funny so i call i call uh wait it was funny or it was it was irritating yeah yeah here's here's my reaction to that prank i'm an idiot why'd i even fall for that no see i i take it differently i let me explain what i included you fine and that's nice so you call you call a kid who no one liked i included okay
Marc:Yes.
Marc:Thank you.
Marc:So you call John's cell phone and you get a message like, hey, this is John.
Marc:If you need to reach me, my new cell phone number is.
Marc:He gives his cell phone number.
Marc:And then you're in your car.
Marc:You're risking your life.
Marc:You're calling anyways.
Marc:And then you call the number that he leaves after you remember it while you're driving.
Marc:And it's the same number.
Guest:That one is working like a child.
Guest:But I get a lot of that.
Guest:I do get a lot of that.
Guest:Like, what?
Guest:Why?
Guest:Why would you do, like...
Guest:Why did you waste my fucking time?
Guest:It's really funny to talk about, but I didn't enjoy the experience at the time.
Guest:No, if you're in your car, if that's the way you died, I would feel bad.
Guest:Well, maybe you should think about that.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:No, I've done phone pranks that have gone awry.
Guest:Like what?
Guest:It's too long a story, but it involved the FBI.
Guest:Let's hear it.
Guest:And my friend Charlie.
Guest:You know Charlie Fisher.
Guest:I do.
Guest:How's he doing?
Guest:I don't know.
Guest:I got to call him while I'm out here.
Guest:So wait, no, this sounds good.
Guest:Let's do this because this could be a great thing for the show.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:So you and Charlie Fisher.
Guest:This was a long time ago.
Guest:Charlie Fisher was a friend of mine.
Guest:He lived in Boston in the South End.
Guest:And I would occasionally stay at his apartment when I didn't have other places to live.
Guest:The gist of it was we were watching TV.
Guest:We were getting high.
Guest:And he was telling me the story about my mom is a ballet teacher.
Guest:And me and Charlie grew up in the same town where his sister lived.
Guest:So he was telling me that his sister's kids are going to go to this other ballet school that was in Worcester.
Guest:It was kind of a rival to my mom's.
Guest:Your mom taught ballet.
Guest:My mom taught ballet.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:So I jokingly sort of said, you know, like, let's call her and, you know, give me her number.
Guest:I'm going to call her and tell her not to do that.
Guest:So he did.
Guest:And I called their phone.
Guest:There was a message.
Guest:It was a machine, you know, and they left.
Guest:The message came on and I left this message in like an old lady voice or something like, like, you know, this is.
Guest:This is Diane from the Charlotte Klein Dance School.
Guest:After reviewing your daughter's application, we don't feel she's ready for the Charlotte Klein program.
Guest:Perhaps you should try performing arts school or whatever.
Guest:That was your mother's school?
Guest:That was my mother's school.
Okay.
Guest:So it was dumb.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And that was it.
Guest:Like, hung up and, you know, I don't even think Charlie laughed.
Guest:He was just, you know, watching porn.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:So what happened was, like, three weeks later...
Guest:I got a call from Charlie saying, like, this is all fucked.
Guest:Like, this is fucked.
Guest:Like, I went to Worcester, and we are fucked.
Guest:Like, you're fucked.
Guest:Like, what are you talking about?
Guest:Your message.
Guest:What?
Guest:What?
Guest:What do you mean?
Guest:Well, his sister was like a lawyer who worked for his father, who was also a lawyer.
Guest:Right.
Guest:It was a big, I think, divorce attorney in Worcester.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And the sister was representing, they were involved in a really, I guess, like ugly divorce case where the mother of the woman was involved somehow and she was harassing.
Guest:Charlie's sister.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:Like with, you know, you fucking, you know, you know, whatever.
Guest:The mom was involved and was a mean, angry person.
Guest:Right.
Guest:So they took that message to be the mother of the woman involved in the case.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And they took that as a threat on Dee Dee's daughter's life because they know where the kid goes to ballet school.
Guest:Right.
Guest:Oh, my God.
Guest:So apparently, like, in the three weeks before Charlie's call, they had called the FBI.
Guest:They've made voice match...
Guest:They pay like whatever, eight grand to do voice match from the machine, the tape of me going, this is Diane from the show.
Guest:I don't know how they jump, but apparently like whatever it was, they felt like I must have sounded just like that woman.
Guest:And that woman was, you know, making a, you know, this veiled threat about I know where your daughter goes to.
Guest:Oh, my God.
Guest:So I lived with Sam Cedar at the time, and Sam Cedar, you know, has these devices where you record phone calls.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And Charlie's father called, and we recorded it.
Guest:I don't know if he still has it.
Guest:But, I mean, he was, you know, he was, you psycho fucking idiot.
Yeah.
Guest:You're fucking... You will never make a cent for that.
Guest:I'm going to sue you.
Guest:You'll never make a cent for the rest of your fucking life, you psycho.
Guest:How could you do that?
Guest:I was like, I... It's funny.
Guest:It was, yeah.
Guest:I didn't even... Like, how was I... How did this resolve itself?
Guest:Oh, never.
Guest:Oh, really?
Guest:I mean, Charlie was...
Guest:Charlie apparently like completely sold me under the bridge.
Guest:Like he went home.
Guest:He went home and it was like that scene from like the Godfather, like the father's pacing.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:You know, and Charlie's like, what's going on?
Guest:And they're like, you know, this is bad.
Guest:You know, this is bad.
Guest:What's happening?
Guest:So this woman is, you know, trying to kill Dee Dee's daughter.
Guest:And then, you know, and Charlie's like, what's going on?
Guest:Yeah.
Yeah.
Guest:And then, you know, whatever, they told him about the tape and the message.
Guest:And Charlie's like, that was John Benjamin.
Guest:Right away.
Guest:Like, immediately, like, that was my friend John.
Guest:Like, what?
Guest:Oh, they already called the FBI and everything else?
Guest:They apparently had done voice match.
Guest:Oh, and in match?
Guest:Where you send the tape to the FBI.
Guest:And I guess... Dead match.
Guest:Yes, that woman.
Guest:Me and that woman served 16 years.
Marc:And that's a story where John knew he had an incredible talent for doing voices.
Guest:All right.
Guest:That was John Benjamin on episode 27, way, way, way back in the day.
Guest:Then Mark had a wonderful time talking to Terry Gross at the BAM Opera House in Brooklyn, New York.
Guest:And this was truly one of the highlights of our show's history and of Mark's professional career.
Guest:He brings it up all the time.
Guest:But I think it was just unexpected for us to have Terry Gross telling a story about how she tragically failed as a school teacher in Buffalo, New York.
Guest:This is a short little story that she told that day, and we've always enjoyed it.
Guest:I have to imagine that teaching for somebody with the sensitivity that you had must have been like the biggest...
Guest:fucking nightmare in the world.
Guest:It was the worst nightmare ever.
Guest:I taught in Buffalo, New York's toughest inner city junior high, eighth grade.
Guest:And I came in the day after election day.
Guest:I was like the second or third teacher.
Guest:This would have been 72.
Guest:I wanted to be the teacher who I wanted to have when I was in junior high.
Guest:So I foolishly went to school dressed in my purple corduroy pants.
And
Guest:work boots.
Guest:How am I doing?
Guest:And what grade?
Guest:Eighth grade.
Guest:Oh boy.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:So you walk in like, Hey.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And they're like, Oh, it was terrible.
Guest:It was so stupid.
Guest:Did you leave crying the first day?
Guest:Um, uh,
Guest:I probably had my affair of weeping.
Guest:The first day, it got worse as time went on because things just kind of fell apart.
Guest:The first day they're testing you, then they realize how weak you are, like how bad at this you are.
Guest:I couldn't keep the students in the classroom.
Guest:I couldn't teach them a lesson.
Guest:I couldn't do anything.
Guest:Oh, my God.
Guest:It's so sad, Terry.
Guest:It was terrible.
Guest:You were a teacher with the personality of a substitute.
Yeah.
Guest:I was a child.
Guest:I was like 22.
Guest:I was shorter than they were.
Guest:And I didn't know how to be the authority figure.
Guest:But then why'd you do that?
Guest:Did you just think like, I guess... The default thing.
Guest:I know.
Guest:Because, you know, I wanted to be a writer and then, okay, not that.
Guest:And then I spent all my time in school, basically outside of the classroom.
Guest:I dropped out for a semester.
Guest:And then, you know, like my college years, it was like the women's movement, the peace movement...
Guest:all kinds of extracurricular things, you know, including, you know, there was constant, like, jazz concerts and poetry readings and, like, repertory cinema.
Marc:Acid?
Acid?
Guest:So, I mean, there's a lot going on.
Guest:Sure.
Guest:And I got a great education, but it wasn't like so much in the classroom.
Guest:And when it came time to like, so what's your life going to, what's your career going to be?
Guest:It's like, I don't know.
Guest:I'm an English major.
Guest:I don't know.
Guest:Sign me up to teach.
Guest:And I didn't feel called to teach.
Guest:I didn't feel like I'd be a good teacher.
Guest:I didn't really want to teach.
Marc:How long did it last?
Guest:Six weeks.
Marc:Oh, wow.
Guest:I got fired.
Marc:You got fired in six weeks.
Marc:Was it one of those firings where they're like, we don't think this is working out.
Marc:Do you?
Guest:Well, oh, God.
Guest:First of all, I just want to say, you know, people say, there's no way of firing teachers.
Guest:They fired me.
Guest:I'm living proof.
Guest:Well, the principal, this is like a really chaotic, violent school.
Guest:And like one day, the kid, one of the students took out a knife and dropped it just to say, what's Ms.
Guest:Gross going to do?
Marc:What did Ms.
Marc:Gross do?
Guest:Ms.
Guest:Gross watched.
Guest:Miss Gross acted like she was in a movie, and she went, oh, kid just dropped a knife.
Guest:I don't know what to do.
Marc:Wow, you had a lot of authority in that room.
Guest:Yeah, no, exactly, exactly.
Guest:I felt like they'd written this really interesting movie, and they cast me in it, and they forgot to give me the script.
You know?
Guest:I had no idea what to do.
Marc:So thank God you got fired.
Guest:Thank God I got fired.
Guest:But I got fired.
Guest:So like they're grading me.
Guest:They're grading me.
Guest:And I said, I think I was the principal.
Guest:It was from a small town school who just moved.
Guest:He had no idea what he was doing.
Guest:You were in Buffalo.
Guest:Which added to the chaos.
Guest:And so they're grading me, and it's not working, blah, blah, blah.
Guest:So they're grading me.
Guest:This is my outgoing thing.
Guest:It's like, OK, you're from New York City, so I'm going to give you a high grade in culture.
Guest:And they gave me below average in dignity and self-respect or something.
Guest:What the hell does that mean?
Guest:Like, who is measuring this?
Guest:But this is the kind of thing my brother could intercede and say, exactly what are your criteria for measuring dignity and self-respect?
Guest:Because my brother knows bullshit when it comes to an evaluation question.
Marc:It seems to me that the way you were feeling in general in terms of your sensitivity, the lack of self-respect and dignity might have just been a misread of your fear and insecurity.
Guest:Well, sure, yeah.
Guest:And also, what gets self-respect in inner-city school was not something that I had.
Guest:In other words, you have to be tough, you have to be the authority, you have to draw the line, you have to meet certain challenges.
Guest:I'm the opposite.
Guest:I'm kind of like, you know, shy and introverted and, you know, self-deprecating humor, like, how does that go over when you're teaching?
Guest:You know, it's not good.
Guest:That's episode 604, the live episode with Terry Gross from BAM in Brooklyn, New York.
Guest:OK, and now just over the river in New Jersey, we have New Jersey's own Chris Gethard, who came on episode 711.
Guest:And very appropriate for New Jersey.
Guest:And Chris has lots of stories about New Jersey.
Guest:Good, bad, indifferent.
Guest:But nothing matched up to the stories he told us about his time working for a magazine called Weird New Jersey.
Guest:And some truly terrifying things that happened to him.
Guest:Fortunately, they ended up okay for him.
Guest:But at the time, I don't think you could call these anything other than true failures.
Guest:So weird New Jersey, like, cause now I'm fascinated.
Guest:That was the best gig I ever had.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I got that job when I was 19.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And I still think like, if I got that job when I was 27, I never would have left.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:But I was like a driven, I was like an angry young guy.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And comedy came calling and I had to chase that.
Guest:But I think if I found that, if I got that job when I was older, I never would have left.
Guest:This is the best job I'll ever have.
Guest:This is the best.
Marc:My, my memories of like other things that like stand out as mythic to me, like,
Marc:My grandmother, my father's parents later in life when they retired, they lived in this like seemingly singular high rise building at the end of the Asbury Park boardwalk before Asbury Park turned around.
Marc:And my my my aunt, my aunt, my father's sister lives in Oakhurst.
Marc:You know, out by the beach there.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:So when we go out there, we go to like Deal Beach.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:To swim and shit.
Marc:And then there was always this sort of like, you know, Al Capone or the mafia used to own these mansions down there.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Is that true?
Marc:I've always heard that.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Oh.
Marc:And then there's also- Now I'm looking for confirmation.
Guest:You're the weird New Jersey guy.
Guest:I know, but this was also... I mean, I quit that job in 2004.
Marc:I know, but how many fucking stories could there be?
Marc:I mean, tons, tons.
Marc:But now I think it's all like Persian Jews or something.
Guest:I don't know what's happened.
Guest:And there's Ocean Grove down there too.
Guest:Do you know about Ocean Grove?
Guest:Which is this like town, right?
Guest:I think it's called Ocean Grove.
Guest:I'm almost certain I have that, right?
Guest:It's a town right next to Asbury Park that's like just a super, super devoted Christian community.
Guest:Oh, yeah.
Guest:No drinking.
Guest:Right.
Guest:Yeah, yeah, I've heard of this.
Guest:They have these like big tent...
Guest:revivals on the beach but you don't think about that's what I love about New Jersey it's like you could be up in the Ramapo mountains looking for the mountain people getting a gun pointed at you and 40 minutes later you could be at a tent revival on the beach both of which feel like you're living in like a different reality in totally different ways and they're right next to each other
Marc:I always was very fascinated with it because, you know, it is part of my genetics.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Do you know about Clinton Road?
Marc:Do you ever remember that from when you were a kid?
Marc:No, I remember Willowbrook Mall.
Marc:I remember we were all very excited when Paramus Park was built, that Paramus Mall.
Guest:The scariest thing that ever happened to me with Weird New Jersey was right next to Willowbrook Mall.
Guest:It was insane.
Guest:Really?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:There's this town, Lincoln Park, which is Willowbrook Mall's in Wayne.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Right on the border.
Guest:I lived in Wayne for a couple of years.
Guest:You did?
Guest:When I was a kid.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:So right, there's like the Pequonic River, the Passaic River.
Guest:They all meet right in Wayne.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Lincoln Park's on the other side.
Guest:And we were getting letters at Weird New Jersey about this place called Buttonwoods.
Guest:And we heard like it's this swamp area.
Guest:And there's these cars that someone has placed like vertically, like buried vertical, this ring of cars.
Guest:And we were like, oh, we'll go get a picture of that.
Guest:Call it Car Henge.
Guest:It'll be the best, you know, like put that in the magazine.
Guest:He had a name for it, Car Henge.
Guest:And my parents had just moved to Fairfield, which is right near there as well.
Guest:And I was like, I know where they're talking about.
Guest:Like I've never, I don't know it too well, but I know exactly.
Guest:I'd driven around and there was like these swamps up along the river and there were like people living back there in these tiny little houses, like broken down houses.
Guest:And I was like, I know it has to be that same area.
Guest:So me and my boss went driving up there.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I was driving.
Guest:I was in, I was driving.
Guest:I had a 1986 Chevy celebrity, like this old man car.
Guest:And we go up, we're driving around there.
Guest:And one of the hurricanes had just hit.
Guest:I forget which one this was.
Guest:This was in like early 2000.
Guest:So I think maybe Floyd, I forget.
Guest:But a lot of these houses were abandoned.
Guest:They had like all the wood and the red X's on them.
Guest:And we're driving down this swamp, like all these roads in the swamp, seeing all these abandoned little houses, like one story, little tiny houses, like real swamp people.
Guest:You got the mountain people on the mountains.
Guest:This was like river people.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:And one of the houses was still lived in.
Guest:And there's all this shit on the front lawn, car engines, all this stuff, like big piles of wood.
Guest:Drove past that one, didn't think anything of it.
Guest:And then we were down near the river.
Guest:And all of a sudden, it's like a dead end street.
Guest:You know, it's a dirt road that goes to the river.
Guest:It just ends at the river, swamp on both sides.
Guest:And all of a sudden, this pickup truck just rolls and blocks the road.
Guest:Big pickup truck.
Guest:We were like, what the fuck is this?
Guest:So I turned my car around, and I'm just going to drive around past this guy, and then he straightens the truck out so he's facing us.
Guest:I go to go around him, and the window just rolls down, driver's side window, and this hand, this massive hand, just comes out and gives me the Dikembe Mutombo, like, no.
Guest:So I was like, oh, my God.
Guest:And I'm sitting with my boss.
Guest:And I didn't have the job that long.
Guest:It had been, like, less than a year.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:So I was, like, about to shit my pants.
Guest:But I was like, I don't want to look scared in front of, like, the dude from Weird New Jersey.
Guest:Like, he hired me.
Guest:He's never going to let me do anything.
Guest:Don't want to be judged by the guy from Weird New Jersey.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Got to keep it together.
Guest:There's two dudes in the truck.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:The driver's side is massive.
Guest:I can't stress enough.
Guest:This dude was huge.
Guest:And I'll never forget, like he had all his hair was white, but there was this lump on his head and all the hair growing out of that was black.
Guest:And I was like, what is this?
Guest:And meanwhile, there's this smaller guy, skinny guy in the passenger seat.
Guest:And he had a hat on and he immediately pulled it down and slumped down so we couldn't see him.
Guest:And it was like, these people have bad intentions in a big way.
Guest:So I pull up, try to get around the truck.
Guest:But I mean, it's swamp on both sides.
Guest:So I can't get around it.
Guest:The truck is too big.
Guest:So I roll my window down like three or four inches.
Guest:And I'm like, hey, man, what's up?
Guest:And the guy, I'm not kidding.
Guest:He just starts yelling.
Guest:And he's going like, you got to come around.
Guest:And I cannot.
Guest:He's like marble mouth.
Guest:It was like crazy.
Guest:He's like, you got to calm down, man.
Guest:I can't make out what you're saying.
Guest:Like, you got to chill out.
Guest:And he eventually slows down enough that he's like, you're coming back here.
Guest:I heard about kid and shit, redhead, kid, glasses.
Guest:You've been stealing.
Guest:You're stealing from the house.
Guest:You want to come steal from these fucking houses?
Guest:I'm going to fuck you up.
Guest:And I was like, hey, man, I'm not stealing anything.
Guest:We were just driving around.
Guest:We're yelling at each other.
Guest:The skinny guy's saying nothing.
Guest:My boss is silent.
Guest:I later found out he was as scared.
Guest:The idea that I didn't want to be scared in front of him.
Guest:Meanwhile, he's hired me.
Guest:And he's like, oh, I'm going to get this 19-year-old kid killed in a swamp.
Guest:Great.
Guest:So this guy's yelling at me.
Guest:He's like, you're stealing shit.
Guest:I know I've heard you about you stealing shit.
Guest:I'm like, that's some other guy, man.
Guest:So eventually it starts to slow down.
Guest:And at one point out of nowhere, he's like mentions the Jerry Springer show for some reason in this like diatribe of this guy just screaming at me.
Guest:He's like, that's
Guest:And I was like, do you like the Jerry Springer show?
Guest:He's like, yeah.
Guest:I'm like, I like that show too, man.
Guest:He's like, you do?
Guest:And I'm like, yeah.
Guest:And I'll never forget.
Guest:He's like, I love it, man.
Guest:They get in the fights with Steve, Steve.
Guest:And I'm like, yeah, Steve gets in there.
Guest:He breaks up.
Guest:Steve's the man, bro.
Guest:Like we both.
Guest:And then he's like, I like, they bring the KKK on.
Guest:I love it.
Guest:I'm like, yeah, of course.
Guest:Yeah, of course.
Guest:Who doesn't love the fucking KKK?
Guest:I'm like, I'm just saying anything to try to get this guy to like calm down.
Guest:To like you.
Guest:And he starts, the tension starts to break.
Guest:And then the skinny guy who's still like, he's high up, he's leaning down.
Guest:He leans over to the big guy and he whispers something in his ear.
Guest:And the big guy, he just goes, yeah.
Guest:And as soon as I heard that, I was like, what's going on, man?
Guest:And the dude looks at me dead in the eye.
Guest:He goes, I'm going to have sex with you.
Guest:And I was like, no, man, no, you're not like, no way.
Guest:And he goes, I'm going to give you $20 and then I'm going to have sex with you, which is like, so like the fact that money got involved, it was really weird.
Marc:And at that point I was just like, you're such a low ball.
Guest:I know.
Guest:Insulting, insulting.
Guest:But at that point I was like, fuck this.
Guest:And I just drove into the swamp.
Guest:I was like, cause immediately in my head, I'm like, Oh, those like he rapes people.
Guest:He throws their bodies in the river and then he picks up their cars and just, he's huge.
Guest:He just puts their, that's what the cars are.
Guest:It's like his trophies.
Guest:So I just, I was like, I don't know how deep the swamp is.
Guest:I don't know what's going to happen, but I just drove into it.
Guest:Just like enough to get around the guy.
Guest:My wheels started spinning out, got around him, managed to get back on the road.
Guest:Thank God.
Guest:And then they started chasing us through all these dirt roads.
Guest:We got out to the main road.
Guest:And when we got to the border of this neighborhood, Two Bridges Road is the main road there.
Guest:We got to Two Bridges Road, which if anybody listening to this is hearing it, the idea that Two Bridges Road is the main road, it's in the middle of nowhere.
Guest:They stopped.
Guest:It was like a force field.
Guest:They didn't...
Guest:leave their little neighborhood so we got back to the office my boss was like write all of that right now just write down what happened we published it and like people loved it it was one of the probably one of the most popular articles I ever wrote for them yeah we started getting all these letters people like one lady was like I used to live down there and it was like
Guest:Like kind of cracked out, but I loved it.
Guest:I was near the water.
Guest:Right.
Guest:She was like, but I had to move because those two guys would harass me and they killed my dog.
Guest:Those two guys.
Guest:Turned out they were brothers.
Guest:You can't forget the guy with the growth on his head.
Guest:Dude, we got a letter from a cop who was like, I had to arrest the big guy once.
Guest:He was like, we used to get calls about those brothers all the time.
Guest:Had to arrest him, put handcuffs on him.
Guest:He's like, he was so strong.
Guest:The cop was like, I'm not bullshitting you.
Guest:He broke the handcuffs.
Guest:Like he was that big and strong.
Guest:Started getting letters.
Guest:Another kid wrote us, was like, he chased me once too.
Guest:I was driving around back there.
Guest:They chased me, but they didn't stop.
Guest:And I had to go the wrong way on the highway.
Guest:Like route 80, like the highway.
Guest:Like it goes from the George Washington Bridge to California.
Guest:He's like, I had to ride the wrong way down the highway.
Guest:That's the only thing that got them to stop.
Guest:But my favorite part was like, about a year went by, two years, stopped hearing so much about it.
Guest:And then we got a letter out of the blue from another cop.
Guest:And he's like, I just want you to know, this guy, we called him the Beast of Buttonwoods in the neighborhood.
Guest:We were always good about giving it flashy names.
Guest:And this cop was like, I just wanted you to know, like, I knew him.
Guest:His name was Schulze.
Guest:That's what we called him.
Guest:And, like, we had to deal with him a lot.
Guest:He was a troubled guy, but he had a big heart.
Guest:And I just wanted to let you know, like, he passed away.
Guest:He had a heart attack.
Guest:So I wanted you to have closure of the story.
Guest:But he's like, I also wanted to let you know, like...
Guest:He was legitimately a really big fan of Weird New Jersey, and he used to love reading about himself.
Guest:He got such a kick out of it.
Guest:The guy with the thing on his head?
Guest:Yeah, the guy who threatened to rape me was reading my article about it when it came out a few months later and apparently was laughing his ass off that he scared me that bad.
Guest:But yeah, that was the scariest.
Guest:And I got held at gunpoint.
Guest:That was the other thing once.
Guest:We used to go to abandoned buildings.
Guest:And we went all the way up Route 23, Sussex County.
Guest:There was this home for abandoned boys.
Guest:And we were in the basement, heard footsteps above us, which is like the nightmare.
Guest:When you're in an abandoned building and you just hear the door open and footsteps, this guy came down with a shotgun, this hunter.
Guest:And he was like, what are you doing here?
Guest:And he pointed it right at me.
Guest:And my boss that time was very smartly like, hey, what's the deal?
Guest:And he's like, you're trespassing.
Guest:My boss was like, do you own this property?
Guest:He's like, no.
Guest:And he's like, well, first of all, you're trespassing too.
Guest:And secondly, however much trouble we're going to get in for trespassing, you're going to get in a lot more for pointing a fucking gun at us.
Guest:So maybe we just all call it a day and go our separate ways.
Guest:Those were the two scariest things from my weird New Jersey days by far.
Guest:It was never, because it was all ghost stories and stuff.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And people always ask me, like, what's the scariest thing?
Guest:And it's like, oh, it was never the ghosts.
Guest:It was always the people.
Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest:Always the people.
Guest:Okay, that's Chris Gethard from episode 711.
Guest:And moving on to an episode that came out just a few weeks before that one.
Guest:It was Natasha Leggero on episode 707.
Guest:And this episode gets brought up to us all the time.
Guest:people seem to remember this story vividly if you're one of those people who remembers this story well then you get to hear it again in all its splendor if you've never heard this before this is the story of where love can take you in the wrong direction particularly a direction all the way on the other side of the world when natasha was a young woman who traveled to australia for what she thought was true love
Guest:I had this encounter with this man who was like older when I was like 22.
Guest:When I was in New York, I met this guy who was Australian and he was like 42 when I was 22.
Marc:Wow.
Guest:And I gave up my apartment, my rent controlled apartment.
Marc:That does not sound like an encounter.
Guest:And I moved to Australia to be with him.
Guest:But I thought he was like so sophisticated and I got there and he was like a con artist.
Guest:And so I kind of like.
Marc:Whoa, whoa, back up.
Marc:So you're in New York.
Marc:You're being, you're at the conservatory.
Marc:You're finishing up, I guess.
Marc:Yes.
Marc:And you meet this guy.
Guest:And I'm like, God, these guys are so lame in New York.
Guest:Like I want someone who knows like what a wine list looks like and how to read, you know, like how to read a wine list.
Guest:And like, I just wanted someone sophisticated.
Marc:You're just so classic, like small city, fucking trashy.
Marc:Like I want out.
Marc:Where's my jet?
Guest:So I meet this guy and he was like, he kind of looked like Mick Jagger.
Guest:He had this cool striped blazer and he was really self-spoken.
Marc:Where'd you meet him?
Guest:At the bar I worked at, the whiskey bar.
Guest:And he was like, I just came back from this new festival called Burning Man.
Guest:And it was like the first year of Burning Man.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:He was like, I'm making a documentary on the information superhighway, which was the internet.
Guest:Sure.
Guest:And then, obviously, and then he was like, I do book reviews for the Australian financial... You know, he did book reviews.
Guest:He was an intellectual property lawyer.
Guest:He was like this amazing... Like, he just was fascinating to me.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:And so then... Like, immediately just...
Guest:I was just like, oh, my God, I can't believe I met this person.
Guest:And then we had a few dates.
Guest:He would, like, take me to, like, what's that hotel that he always wanted to go to?
Guest:What's the famous Dorothy Park?
Guest:Oh, the Algonquins.
Guest:We'd meet at the Algonquin.
Guest:Oh, boy, he had your number.
Guest:And we'd eat at the Ivy.
Guest:And so then we started this, like, exchange.
Guest:He went back to Australia, and I was like, oh, my God, I'm going to be with this man.
Guest:And then finally I gave up all my stuff, and I went there.
Guest:I was, like, 22.
Guest:And then I got there, and it was, like...
Guest:He like I got there because like in my mind, I'm like, we're going to go to literary parties.
Guest:This is going to be like because he does book reviews and he's a lawyer and he must be rich.
Guest:And so I get there and it's like his part.
Guest:First, he picks me up at the airport and he looks worried.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:You know, because I think he kind of couldn't believe I came.
Guest:Like it kind of looked like he hadn't slept.
Guest:Busted.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And my friends were like, Natasha, you know, like some of my older friends were like, I've known people like this.
Guest:I don't think you should go.
Guest:You know, and I'm like, no, no, I'm going to go.
Guest:I'm going to go.
Marc:They knew it was bullshit.
Guest:well it was just like too good to be true yeah right and so i get there and we're in this like he picks me up at the airport and he's like you know do you you know let me make you this he would always he was a gourmet cook so he was like made avocado with caviar and like you know he's always like feeding me caviar when you in new york or when in new york yeah so we get there and i'm like oh and we're gonna start eating caviar yeah and so i get there and it's like this little shack it's like not it's like a it's
Guest:It's a fine little studio, right?
Marc:It's an apartment or a house?
Guest:An apartment.
Guest:And he has draped purple felt all over the walls to try to make it fancy.
Marc:For you.
Guest:Yeah, and there was Ikea furniture.
Guest:And I was kind of disoriented.
Guest:Because it was a flight from Australia.
Guest:I'm just going to lay down.
Guest:So I laid down, and then I woke up to...
Guest:i woke up to the seinfeld theme song and i was like and he's like seinfeld starting and like he like just watched tv all day and so like i was in australia with this guy who i thought was like my dream man and he was oh my god and so be like and then he'd like john candy movie like he would just want to watch tv and not a not a bad guy is this hurting oh he was a really he was he was really bad
Marc:No, it's hurting me because, like, I feel bad for, like, whatever that moment is where you take that trip.
Marc:You're on a plane for 20 hours.
Marc:You're disoriented.
Marc:You have all these, like, sort of princess expectations.
Marc:And you just walk into something that is so not.
Guest:Like cowhide print, like, you know, like an easy chair and like a barrel that we'd eat on.
Marc:He must have just been, like, leveled.
Guest:I was pretty freaked out.
Guest:And then it started.
Guest:I couldn't answer the phones.
Guest:He was getting money from other women.
Guest:And he was just a crazy person.
Guest:But what's interesting about him, why I talk about him right now, is because I feel like I kind of stole some of my persona from him.
Guest:Because we were poor, but he was the most pretentious person.
Guest:So you stayed there.
Marc:I stayed there for like eight months.
Guest:And then brought him back to New York with me.
Guest:I don't know.
Guest:Because I kind of fell in love with him, I guess.
Marc:Because what was actually what should have been just like this whole bunch of like, fuck you, red flags.
Marc:Once you got there, you were like, I can learn from this guy.
Guest:Yeah, I thought I could learn from him.
Marc:And you liked his, like he probably treated you really good.
Marc:And then once he got you into his mindset, you're like, we can fucking, you know, we can pull some shit off.
Guest:Right.
Guest:We can conquer the world.
Guest:But like the signs were like every day.
Guest:We would get into like three fights a day.
Guest:Like he would be like, don't use that.
Guest:That's not the knife you use to butter the bread.
Guest:Like he would get really mad at me for stuff like that.
Marc:In his studio with purple curtains.
Guest:Yes.
Guest:And he would be like, I bring him his coffee in the morning and he'd be like, how can you expect me to look at that much liquid this early in the morning?
Guest:It's too full.
Guest:Like everything was like, because I think I was, I was like, I had like Stockholm syndrome or something.
Marc:Pretty quick, it sounds like.
Guest:Yeah, like immediately.
Guest:And then we didn't have any money.
Guest:So I would like, he's like, well, you know, then I'll, because I was like, I thought you were a book reviewer.
Guest:And then I'd see him reading the WAN ads.
Guest:And I'd be like, he'd be like, well, we need some money, Wiener.
Guest:He called me Wiener.
Guest:He's like, we need some money.
Guest:He's like, you need to go out and get a job.
Guest:So I like got this waitressing job.
Guest:And he would sit there and stare at me while I would wait tables.
Guest:And then they like fired me.
Guest:And then I got a job like at a brothel, like answering phones for like a day.
Guest:And then he got really mad.
Marc:Because you were working at a brothel.
Yes.
Guest:And like when we'd take the money, like it would be like, you know, $30 or whatever, $60.
Guest:And then we'd spend it all on like champagne and like picnic food.
Guest:And then we'd go for like, he's like, we have to walk this way because the roses will be blowing.
Guest:The eastern winds are right now.
Guest:So that if we walked up this street, even though it's longer, we'll get the, you know, the smell of the roses.
Marc:So you were still buying his bullshit?
Yeah.
Marc:You're like 22.
Marc:You're in a different country.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:And you're way far from Rockford.
Guest:Oh, I mean, and from anything.
Guest:Oh, and then, you know, the internet wasn't that big then.
Guest:So it's like I couldn't, I didn't have like my own computer or anything.
Marc:But you never felt scared.
Guest:Oh, I was scared.
Guest:At one point, he would always leave.
Guest:And then at one point, and I'd be in his house, so I started digging through his shit.
Guest:Because I was like, what's happening here?
Guest:I know something's wrong.
Guest:I remember getting on my hands and knees.
Guest:I was like, God, please give me a sign.
Guest:And then the phone rings.
Guest:And he's like, Wiener, I need you to take, because I was supposed to go to university.
Guest:He's like, I need you to take your university money and put it in the mailbox.
Guest:And I'm like, why?
Guest:That's my money.
Guest:That's twelve hundred dollars.
Guest:He's like, just do as I say.
Guest:So I get down there and there's this girl bawling and she's like, she's like, give me that money.
Guest:And I'm like, what?
Guest:I thought it was for Alex.
Guest:And he's she's like, no, he's he's he needs to pay for my abortion.
Guest:Like he was fucking other girls there.
Guest:I mean, he was like he was a psychopath.
Marc:A sociopath at least.
Guest:A sociopath.
Guest:I think he had like, yeah, some kind of, he was like anti-social personality disorder maybe.
Marc:It's so hard for me to hear this story because like, you know, I've only, I've heard one or two stories like it where, you know, for some reason you're paralyzed to take care of yourself, to get out, even though like there's no way that,
Marc:that this can end well or it's good and you're being treated badly.
Marc:But what were you thinking?
Marc:Why do you stay?
Marc:And what finally happened to get you out of there?
Guest:Well, I don't think I was fully formed yet.
Marc:Right, 22.
Guest:Right.
Guest:So I was like, I mean, he used to work with the Aboriginals.
Marc:He really did?
Guest:He said he did.
Guest:So he was like, I used to cut their hair.
Guest:So he'd give me haircuts and I would change my hair color.
Guest:I just didn't know.
Guest:And I remember the reason why I came.
Guest:We were, before when we were in New York, he would, you know, he was really good at this.
Guest:This is how they lie.
Guest:Because I remember.
Marc:Who's they?
Marc:Sociopaths?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Like we were on a date at someone's house and they were playing Neil Young.
Guest:And I was like, oh, I love Neil Young.
Guest:And I was like, and I was like, oh, my favorite Neil Young album is Hawks and Doves.
Guest:And he's like, oh.
Guest:you know hawks and doves and i was like yeah and i was then you know in my head in new york i was like i have to move there this man knows my favorite album and then i remember once when i got back to and when i was in australia i was looking through his music and i was like what about you have hawks and doves i feel like reading that he's like or listening to that he's like what's that
Guest:And I'm like, you know that out.
Guest:And so it's like he would lie in the moment and like like now you wouldn't fall for it.
Marc:But like there was just trying to con you right there.
Guest:There's like a million.
Marc:He's doing everything he can to tell to make you feel like you know him.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:But he was such a unique person and very funny.
Guest:Like he was, you know, we'd be on the bus and he would be like.
Guest:you know, just, excuse me, driver.
Guest:Like he would act like we were in a limo, like on the bus.
Guest:Like he just had this, and everyone hated him in Australia.
Guest:People were like, who is this guy?
Guest:Like people were worried about me.
Guest:You could just see like strangers were like, are you okay?
Guest:But he'd be like, excuse me, is this, is this bus going to, you know, blah, blah, blah driver.
Guest:And then the bus driver, I remember this bus driver was like, read the sign.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And Alex would, he'd flip his scarf and he'd be like, are you assuming, sir, that I can read?
Guest:Like he would say these crazy things to people.
Marc:So you're in Australia with a lunatic.
Guest:A lunatic.
Guest:And we would go on picnics all the time.
Marc:But how abusive did he get?
Guest:It wasn't physically abusive.
Marc:He just yelled and he was just, but you must have loved him somehow.
Guest:Yeah, because then I asked my mom.
Guest:I told my mom I needed $2,000 for a plane ticket back.
Guest:And then it was only like $800, and then I paid for him to go back with me.
Guest:And then we moved back to New York.
Marc:Did you ever address this insane codependent behavior?
Marc:In any way?
Marc:Like, did you have like, how do you frame?
Guest:Is that codependent?
Marc:What?
Marc:Giving a guy's girl crying girlfriend when you're living with?
Guest:Oh, you're right.
Guest:You're right.
Guest:You know, he talked me.
Marc:Getting it twelve hundred more dollars.
Guest:Oh, that's what he would say.
Guest:He would say he would do this technique or he would be like, I'd be like.
Marc:Not that it was the wrong thing to help the girl out, but it was not your responsibility.
Guest:To give her my university money.
Marc:It's crazy.
Guest:I know.
Guest:And I would say, did you did you have sex with her?
Guest:And he would just say, I was with no one.
Guest:And I'd be like, no, but were you, did you do it?
Guest:And he would just keep repeating, I was with no one.
Guest:And I think that's like a tactic that people, like con artists use.
Guest:I forget it's called something, but it's like, you just keep repeating something until the person.
Guest:It's called lying.
Guest:But it really changed me.
Guest:And so I feel like.
Guest:I mean, I think it just like, just meeting someone who went through the world like that.
Guest:I'd never, I think I just sort of.
Marc:But wait, so how does this story end, man?
Guest:I mean, it's got so many parts to it.
Guest:Oh, and then one time we were at the store, and I saw him stealing potatoes.
Guest:He would steal things, and I'd be like, Alex, you can't steal.
Guest:He would just steal shit.
Marc:So this was sort of exciting.
Guest:Yeah, kind.
Guest:I mean, yes.
Guest:Yeah, and we had good sex, but we would fight all the time.
Guest:But I thought he was so smart.
Guest:He was the smartest person.
Marc:You thought?
Guest:I mean, he was very smart.
Marc:But did you start doing cons?
Guest:Not with him.
Guest:No, it was more me.
Guest:Cause I'm like, you know, I was raised really well.
Guest:Like I would be like, we got, we have to pay for this.
Guest:Like we can't, like he tried to like dine and dash.
Marc:So you're not acting at all.
Marc:You're just acting in response to this.
Guest:No, I'm cleaning house.
Guest:Oh, my God.
Guest:I'm, like, going through his shit.
Guest:Like, he always told me his dad was a doctor.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And his mother was from French royalty.
Guest:He's like, my mother would have loved you.
Guest:Your ankles are so small.
Guest:You know, that's a sign of breeding.
Guest:Like, he was always telling me all these things.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:But then when I went through his stuff one day, I found his birth certificate, and it said his dad was like an electroplater, which is like a very low factory job.
Guest:Am I making you uncomfortable?
Guest:No, no.
Guest:Have you done this to women?
Marc:Never.
Marc:I mean, I think we all have our bullshit, but this is a full... It's fascinating to me that...
Marc:Like I said, I've heard this a couple of times before, maybe not on this show, but I know another woman who went through something similar.
Marc:But it is sort of like Stockholm Syndrome.
Marc:But there must have been enough...
Marc:Good, right?
Marc:Not good, but being emotionally engaged and having good sex and fighting and actually being kind of in awe of somebody, even if they're out of their mind, is something.
Guest:Hey, it's better than being bored.
Marc:That's right.
Marc:But how did it end?
Marc:You both came back to the States on your mom's dime.
Guest:What?
Guest:Well, not only that, we went, we took like a crazy vacation.
Guest:He was like, I'm not traveling all the way back to America without going to the Lakes District in England.
Guest:Or like, he was like, we went to Thailand and I'm with my mom's money.
Guest:I ended up paying her back.
Guest:We went to, and he was just, he had such a feeling that he should have everything, you know?
Guest:And he would, he was so charming.
Guest:Like he would just ask to be upgraded to first class and people would upgrade us.
Guest:I don't know how he did it, but he took my mom's money and we went to Koh Samui.
Marc:You're impressed with this guy.
Marc:Well, I've looked him up.
Guest:I can't find him anymore.
Marc:Really?
Marc:Just out of curiosity, right?
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:You don't even know if it was his real name.
Guest:Right, right.
Marc:But you look at his birth certificate, so you must have been able to confirm that.
Marc:You couldn't find him anymore, huh?
Guest:No.
Guest:His name was Alex.
Guest:Should I say his name?
Guest:His name was Alex Priodite, and he would always say it was, Priodite means spoken prayer.
Yeah.
Guest:Like everything he said was like that.
Marc:You love this guy.
Marc:You love this bullshit artist.
Guest:Well, he was just so funny.
Guest:I don't know.
Guest:Like I never heard of someone saying that you had to like, you know, take a certain route so you could smell the roses.
Marc:No, it's sweet in a way.
Marc:You were able to forgive all this insanity.
Marc:I'm glad that he just kind of took you for a ride, like for a little bit of money in retrospect.
Guest:Not much money.
Marc:And didn't hurt you too badly.
Guest:And he always told me he had never been in love.
Guest:And so anyway...
Marc:You're such a romantic.
Marc:You really bought it.
Marc:Like you knew that he was bullshitting.
Marc:But but what he represented.
Guest:Not that's what.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:But like but he represented like you had something in common.
Marc:You both wanted to be that.
Guest:Right.
Guest:I didn't know I wanted to be that until I met him.
Guest:And I was like, oh, you know.
Marc:But no, but I mean, like you bought, like his lie was sort of enchanting to you.
Marc:You're like, this is it.
Marc:And then even when you got there and you realized it was a lie, but he still sort of committed to behaving like that.
Marc:And you're like, that's pretty good, right?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:But the problem – yes.
Guest:But the problem was when you're lying like at that level every day you're telling someone lies, you get mad for no reason.
Marc:Right.
Marc:You know, like – Because you have no – you don't know where you are in a way.
Guest:Yes.
Guest:Like I remember I was wearing these shoes once when we were in London on our way back and he was like –
Guest:why are you wearing those in the daytime?
Guest:And he got so mad and like, you know, wouldn't talk to me.
Guest:And he was just like, he was so crazy.
Guest:But like we would just, and then for me, I was always like begging him to like not be mad.
Guest:Oh my God.
Guest:It was really sad.
Guest:But anyway, so we get back to New York.
Guest:It lasted.
Guest:We had no place to stay, no money.
Guest:I lost my waitressing job, you know, everything.
Guest:So then we stayed with this girl, Denisha, this like Dominican girl and her family and her grandmother in Queens.
Marc:How did that, how, how?
Guest:I mean, we would just spend the night in this.
Guest:We just lived there.
Marc:But how did you find them?
Guest:Oh, because I used to waitress with her before I left.
Guest:So we were living in deep Queens.
Guest:And then he just left me for this girl in Brooklyn who had an inheritance.
Guest:And I found out he said to her he had never been in love.
Guest:And that was the love that he found.
Guest:I mean, because he probably knew he had limited time left with me.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:He shouldn't have had the time he had.
Guest:I know.
Guest:I know.
Guest:Can you imagine?
Marc:Must have been a pretty long run for that guy.
Guest:Oh, and then and like he was dressed so cool the first night I saw him.
Guest:And then ever since then, he would wear like he dressed terribly.
Guest:He would wear those like Bill Cosby sweaters and like fanny packs.
Guest:And I still like was into him.
Marc:Like you wanted to believe something.
Guest:I guess.
Guest:I don't know.
Guest:But then I think, you know, it took me like two or three years to recover in New York.
Guest:And then I just sort of like, he just always kind of was an influence in my head, I think.
Marc:Still is.
Marc:You get pretty worked up talking about him.
Marc:It seemed like a pretty exciting time in some way.
Guest:Well, it's so, I haven't thought about it in a while.
Guest:And then I was thinking about it the other day and it was, I kind of forgot a lot of it.
Marc:Well, it feels like somehow or another, like not in a, like, like I like that you don't perceive yourself as a victim necessarily and you still find all the good things in the humor and the whole thing.
Guest:Oh, yeah, I'm so glad it happened to me.
Guest:Because what if it happened to me at 35?
Guest:Like, then your life's over.
Marc:Right.
Marc:Right.
Guest:Like, just to get that out of your system to, like, move to another continent for love.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:You might as well do that when you're 20.
Marc:And to have such an extreme experience with such a lunatic.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:And not have it get so abusive or destructive that, you know, you don't really recover from it.
Marc:Because it sounds like you maintained some sort of romantic idea through all of it.
Marc:And was the recovery, when you say it took you two or three years to recover, was that because you felt like you'd been fucked over or just brokenhearted?
Marc:Were you sitting there going like, what was I doing?
Marc:Or were you like, I'm sad that he went with somebody else?
Guest:I think both.
Guest:Yeah, yeah.
Guest:Okay, that's episode 707 with Natasha Leggero.
Guest:And now, finally, one of the great stories told on WTF comes from Danny McBride on episode 280.
Guest:Danny always comes across as a guy with a lot of swagger, a lot of confidence, but that was not the case in the story he told about his days when he first moved to Los Angeles here on episode 280.
Guest:Okay, I lived here for, I managed to stay in for like two years, and then I went through a really bad breakup with the girl I'd been dating since college.
Guest:And then that threw me back.
Guest:That was the first trip where I went back.
Guest:Was she here with you?
Guest:Yeah, she moved here with me.
Guest:And then she started wearing slinkier clothes, and everything just went downhill really fast.
Marc:You're losing her.
Marc:You were here to make it.
Marc:She was here to find somebody who already made it.
Guest:Yeah, and that's the thing, too.
Guest:When you move here as a young kid, you're right out of film school.
Guest:You're 21 years old, and it's like there's guys who are 28 and have some real money, and you're still kind of living on like a $25 a week sort of like – And you realize that you're just there to provide them with new girlfriends.
Guest:Yeah, exactly.
Guest:You bring out your – Fell for the trap right out of the gate.
Guest:And so that was the first hit the wall of like, geez, this is tough out here.
Marc:This is brutal.
Marc:Heartbreak and no way in.
Marc:It's like you didn't have an agent or nothing, right?
Guest:Oh, nothing.
Guest:A couple ideas.
Guest:Just a few shitty scripts that I came out with.
Marc:And you're eating fat burgers and wondering how many people were living in the house.
Marc:At that point, there were four of us.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And yeah, so that was no good.
Guest:In an apartment in Burbank.
Guest:And I can remember still the day when I found out that it was over with her.
Guest:I was working at the Crocodile Cafe in Burbank, which is no longer there.
Guest:And I went into the manager and just told him, like, I don't think I can do my shift today.
Guest:I'm just...
Guest:I don't know.
Guest:My girlfriend just broke up with me.
Guest:And I'm like, don't cry.
Guest:And I start crying in front of this guy who doesn't give a shit.
Guest:And he's just looking at me.
Guest:And he's like, all right, just get yourself together.
Guest:Like, go take some time off.
Guest:And he puts his hand out.
Guest:And I assume that he's going in for like a hug, but he wasn't.
Guest:He was going for a handshake.
Guest:And I'm just like hugging him, crying with my apron from Crocodile Cafe on.
Guest:I remember just walking back to my apartment with my apron wrapped up in my white polo shirt with my name tag.
Guest:Just like, fuck LA.
Guest:I hate this out here.
Guest:This is like the worst.
Guest:There's so many beautifully poignant bad parts of that story.
Guest:The misjudged hug and then the walk back with the work clothes.
Guest:Terrible.
Guest:Oh, man.
Marc:And that walk back with your apron, you're just sort of like, oh, that's it.
Marc:I got to go.
Marc:And how long before you split?
Guest:So I probably lasted about another two weeks.
Guest:And then I was back to, I moved back to, but this was just temporary.
Guest:I just knew that I needed to, I knew I needed to get my swerve back on.
Guest:I was having a really hard time doing that in Los Angeles.
Guest:So I went back to Virginia and hung out there for the summer, basically, and then kind of saved up some cash, got ready to move back out here and assault this town one more time.
Marc:So you went back, you got the bartending job, you got laid, you got your confidence back.
Guest:Back in the swing.
Guest:And then moved out here.
Guest:And then things were kind of looking up.
Guest:I got a job as a cameraman doing motion control for History Channel and VH1, the type of thing where you're just zooming in on my phone.
Marc:So you're still all about directing.
Guest:Trying to get in there.
Guest:And at this point, because I'm getting paid to even operate a camera, I have health insurance, it feels like I've made it.
Guest:I've come a long way.
Guest:What were those?
Guest:What were those first scripts like?
Guest:Well, the first one I wrote was called Most Scariest, and it was about these Jersey frat boys who move into a haunted house.
Guest:It was brilliant.
Guest:It would have been awesome.
Guest:It was like years before Jersey Shore.
Guest:I knew that those guys would be hilarious.
Marc:So you had a parody of them before they became a parody of themselves.
Marc:Exactly.
Guest:I was ready.
Guest:Had you had experience with New Jersey?
Guest:No, I hadn't.
Guest:You invented them?
Guest:Yeah, I knew.
Guest:You were prophetic.
Guest:It was the Nostradamus of reality television.
Guest:I knew that they were going to be a hit.
Marc:Now, have you called that X yet just to say like, hey, what's going on?
Marc:Remember me?
Guest:No, I haven't wasted any time.
Guest:Oh, good for you.
Guest:I know.
Guest:There's just too many things that are embarrassing about that point in my life that I just pretend like it never happened.
Guest:Each time I move back to L.A., it's like, this is my first time in this city.
Guest:I did not exist before this time.
Guest:You ignore all the people that you used to work with.
Guest:Like, no, you have the wrong Danny.
Guest:I'm out here for the first time.
Guest:I just moved to town.
Marc:I heard about that guy that used to work at Crocodile Cafe.
Marc:He cried.
Marc:It's weird.
Marc:Yeah, that's hilarious.
Marc:You're not the Danny McBride that cried at the Crocodile Cafe.
Marc:It's not me.
Marc:No, I don't know.
Marc:I've heard that story before.
Marc:That stands out as a real downfall.
Guest:That's your bottom.
Guest:That's your first bottom.
Guest:I hit rock bottom with that, definitely.
Guest:But when I came back that second time, everything hadn't necessarily wrapped up with that ex at that point.
Guest:Something even worse happened with her, which was I got back on my feet in Glendale.
Marc:Oh, good.
Marc:Moved one town over from Burbank.
Guest:Starting a new life with me and two of my other buddies who were still out there.
Guest:And one day, you know, I'm starting – I got a job.
Guest:I've got things going.
Guest:I get this phone call.
Guest:One of my roommates answers the phone, and it's the ex.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And he was not supposed to give the phone to me.
Guest:I mean, that was a solid rule.
Guest:But he smiles.
Guest:He's like, hey, the phone's for you.
Guest:And this has been about six months since we broke up.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:She is on the phone, and she's crying.
Guest:Oh, good.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Danny, you got to come get me.
Guest:The guy that I'm seeing just threw me down the stairs and beat me up.
Guest:You got to come pick me up.
Guest:I'm just like, oh, I don't want to be with her, but I still am tortured over this.
Guest:I'm like, okay.
Guest:I'm all full of rage.
Guest:You're like 21.
Guest:Yeah, and I'm ready to do this.
Guest:I get my two roommates.
Guest:We got to go over there and kick this guy's ass.
Guest:We're going to go save her, and we get golf clubs out of my...
Guest:roommate's car and like we're driving to burbank and i remember like satisfaction was like playing like we can have no hesitation we have to just like pull up and smoke this fucking guy and we like roll up to where she's at you know we're like looking for the street it's in burbank and we pull up and she's just standing there on the corner with this dude who's like fucking six five he's like a personal trainer he's this huge muscle-bound dude yeah and all of us just stay in the car we're just like okay just come on you can just come on in the car you just get in here
Guest:a couple of these sorry man she just needed riding we're here to pick her up so she goes to the car he doesn't let her in he grabs her back and so i'm in i'm in this weird position where it's like fuck i gotta you know okay i guess i have to get out so i literally get out of the car and i like none of my roommates come out they just hand me the golf club through the window and so i'm just standing there with the golf club just like come on man we gotta we gotta let her get into the car now man and uh
Guest:The guy just looks at me, and he's like, what the hell are you going to do with that golf club on?
Guest:He comes up into my face, and I'm like, I can't believe you'd hit a girl, man.
Guest:What's wrong with you?
Guest:He's like, what are you going to do with that golf club?
Guest:It's like this big challenge.
Guest:So he had challenged me, so I had to do something with it.
Guest:So I fucking swing back and crack him in his knees as hard as I can, and I just hit him with the shaft.
Guest:And so it literally just breaks, and he's just standing there looking at me, and I'm holding just the handle of the golf club.
Guest:And instantly, I just try to change something like, oh, man, I mean, how messed up are you that you would hit a girl on?
Guest:needless to say that dude just fucking pounds on me i mean that was it yeah he's got my face i'm on the ground i'm getting the shit beat out of me my roommates are still sitting in the car just like watching it on the ex-girlfriend like gets on there and she's hitting him gets me off and then finally i'm trying to get everyone in the car we get everyone into the uh at this point it's a honda elantra i had upgraded from the oh good yeah because i moved to la i needed a cooler car
Guest:And the dude just rocks over to the passenger seat, who my buddy, who's sitting there with the most useful weapon, which is a baseball bat, is sitting there shaking in the passenger seat.
Guest:The guy just comes over, opens up the door, and just grabs the baseball bat out of his hand, and then just starts going to town on my car.
Guest:And it's just like, oh, Jesus Christ, this whole thing failed.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And so we get her in the car and, like, get out of there.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And then it's, like, on the way home, it's just kind of like, who the fuck are you dating?
Guest:Like, what is this?
Guest:Like, what's happened?
Guest:And that's what she tells us, that this guy knows where we live and all this stuff.
Guest:So it's like, we're screwed.
Guest:It's like we find out that this guy has, like, a criminal record and he's, like, coming for us.
Guest:And so me and my friends basically, like, I'm trying to calm my roommates down.
Guest:They're pissed.
Guest:Like, why the fuck are you getting us involved with this shit?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And, you know, I'm like, it's going to be fine.
Guest:Nothing's fine.
Guest:This guy's not going to mess with us.
Guest:He has his own deal with her.
Guest:We were just picking her up.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Helping out.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:No bueno.
Guest:Next thing we know, we look out our window.
Guest:There's like a fucking car of like six SUVs circling the front of our place.
Guest:Get the fuck out of here.
Guest:Oh, it was nuts.
Guest:And so like my roommates are, we're in this really weird apartment complex that was backed up to like the LA River.
Guest:Right.
Guest:And so these guys, apparently she had taken him on a date to, there was like this parking lot on the other side of the LA River where there was like a little carnival or something.
Guest:Right.
Guest:Apparently they had been on a date before, so he knew where our house was from across the river.
Guest:But you had to drive down like a mile to get across and come back up.
Guest:So we look out.
Guest:There's all these SUVs.
Guest:They're screaming and looking up at us, and they burn out.
Guest:They're going to try to find the place.
Guest:My roommates are gone.
Guest:They're out to their car, and I just grab a handful of stuff and like a kitchen knife, and I'm like moving through this fucking apartment complex.
Guest:And it's like we're like the only white guys who live in this apartment complex.
Guest:It's all –
Guest:It's all Asian families, and it's just me.
Guest:They're all eating dinner, and I'm crawling around with this knife looking for my roommates.
Guest:Ended up getting into the parking garage, and I get to my car, but my roommate's cars are still there.
Guest:And I was like, fuck, these guys, they haven't got out.
Guest:This is my responsibility.
Guest:You got to go back for them?
Guest:I got to go back for them, looking for them.
Guest:We all run into each other, scaring the shit out of each other.
Guest:It's like we got in there and literally left and never went back to that apartment for six months.
Guest:Like we were paying rent there.
Guest:All of our stuff was there.
Guest:We were so fucking scared.
Guest:We just never came back there until we had to move because our lease was up.
Guest:Even to that day, it was like tiptoeing in in disguises, like trying to take things out.
Guest:Like that dude had a guy there every day.
Guest:We didn't know how far reaching his criminal enterprise was.
Guest:Okay, Danny McBride, episode 280.
Guest:And that's it for the WTF collection of epic failures.
Guest:And we'll keep doing these.
Guest:I know people have enjoyed them.
Guest:And we will collect some of the great stories that are buried deep in the archives of WTF for your enjoyment here on The Full Merit.
Guest:So thanks for subscribing.