Episode 724 - Amber Tozer
Marc:All right, let's do this.
Marc:How are you, what the fuckers?
Marc:What the fuck buddies?
Marc:What the fucksters?
Marc:What the fuckadelics?
Marc:What the fuckaholics?
Marc:What is happening?
Marc:I'm Mark Maron.
Marc:This is my podcast, WTF.
Marc:Welcome.
Marc:Welcome to the show.
Marc:Thank you for listening.
Marc:Who's on?
Marc:Who's on the show today?
Marc:Today, Amber Tozer, the comedian and author,
Marc:She's going to talk about her new memoir, Sober Stick Figure.
Marc:I like her.
Marc:I haven't seen her in a while.
Marc:That'll be fun.
Marc:What else?
Marc:It's Thursday, if you're listening to this, when it drops.
Marc:Last night was the final two episodes of my television show, Marin on IFC.
Marc:For all of you who are watching, thank you for watching.
Marc:For those of you who haven't seen it, I think the first three seasons are available on Netflix.
Marc:This one will be on Netflix in December.
Marc:That is the end of the series.
Marc:Thank you for being with me, and thank you for supporting my decision to stop it, to end it.
Marc:It was interesting, though.
Marc:There was a little bit of drama on the Twitter Monday.
Marc:I thought everything was great.
Marc:I was feeling a little postpartum depression, a little sadness from knowing that I wouldn't be working with all those people that I've worked with, many of them, for four years, and I was feeling a little sad, and some shit went down on Twitter that just drove me out of my fucking mind.
Marc:because it was just irresponsible garbage.
Marc:Yeah, I mean, I want to talk about it.
Marc:But let me just clear some stuff up first for real information.
Marc:Real information.
Marc:This is true information.
Marc:I'm going to be touring a bit.
Marc:You guys know that.
Marc:I'll be in Salt Lake City tonight, tomorrow, and Saturday at Wise Guys in Salt Lake City there, downtown.
Marc:I'll be at the Comedy Attic in Bloomington on the 28th, 29th, and 30th of July.
Marc:And my stand-up live show in Phoenix...
Marc:has been moved to one night.
Marc:I knew this would happen.
Marc:I'm not upset about it.
Marc:I don't see it as some sort of bad indication.
Marc:I've never had much of a draw in Phoenix, and it's fine.
Marc:So we're moving all of those shows to the Saturday.
Marc:So there's going to be two shows on the Saturday at Stand Up Live in Phoenix, and that would be the 20th.
Marc:So if you have tickets for the Thursday or the Friday, I hope you can move them to Saturday.
Marc:I'm sorry for the inconvenience.
Marc:I'm sorry if this means you can't see the show.
Marc:But that place is fucking huge.
Marc:And this is just the way it has to be.
Marc:It's fine with me.
Marc:I'm not hurt.
Marc:I'm not offended.
Marc:There will be more dates forthcoming.
Marc:I'm going to be in Albuquerque, my hometown, on the 3rd for the benefit for the Endorphin Power Company.
Marc:I'll be in Rochester at the Comedy Club on the 9th and 10th.
Marc:of uh september so that's that information what what other information do you need i got some interesting feedback from spokane people some people were very excited that i said such uh nice things about uh their their their hometown or the town that they live in one person just there's just two sides to everything you know what i mean there's two sides
Marc:to loving something, it seems, for me, or to having a good time at a place.
Marc:You know what I mean?
Marc:Do you?
Marc:I'll explain it to you.
Marc:The reason I got upset is that, look.
Marc:It's a hard decision to make to stop something that is going fine, that is going well, that is going great, when you probably have the opportunity to continue, even though you know that that's not going to be as great necessarily or that something's done.
Marc:It's a hard decision to make.
Marc:I stopped doing my show because it was done.
Marc:Then some person, I'm not going to be hostile because this is just an indicator of a bigger issue.
Marc:Some reporter, I guess...
Marc:Just tweeted out in this was from a reputable source that's supposed to be the industry paper, the industry paper, my industry show business.
Marc:Yeah, there's only a couple of trades.
Marc:And it's like you would think, but this is the time we live in, that a trade magazine, which is specific to a trade and not necessarily trying to start shit, though everything seems to be owned by large tech companies, content mills, that just, they're almost like,
Marc:semi-intelligent sweatshops for you know young people they can just kind of plink away at the keys and generate 10 or 15 half stories a day based on no facts or nothing speculation or secondary stories from other content mills that are gossip related or not sourced as well but you would expect more from an industry trade
Marc:A little fucking research that was one click away for a story in Business Insider that did a good job with it.
Marc:Of me deciding the show was over.
Marc:You had IFC's President Jen Caserta's response.
Marc:They were fine with it.
Marc:And they were happy that we'd had the time we'd had together.
Marc:And then another paper just issues a story that the show got canceled based on nothing.
Marc:Nothing.
Marc:Nothing.
Marc:They just decided that was the word, tweeted that out the article, tweeted the link and put that headline out into the world.
Marc:Marin gets canceled.
Marc:Now, the reason that that's such a big deal is because that implies something.
Marc:And I know this isn't in the big world of things, the most important thing in the world.
Marc:And that obviously there's bigger problems in the world.
Marc:It's my life.
Marc:And it was misreported.
Marc:It's not killings.
Marc:It's not shootings.
Marc:It's not the end of the world stuff.
Marc:But it has relevance to my life and it's misreported.
Marc:And it means a lot to me that this was on my terms and not just a corporate entity making a decision despite whatever I would want.
Marc:It's this lazy content mill garbage that diminishes the integrity of almost any information.
Marc:What do you got to do to get real information that's actually reported?
Marc:Now, this is not a new problem.
Marc:Obviously, this was me.
Marc:And obviously, after I threw a shit fit on Twitter, it was changed.
Marc:An apology was executed on the phone to my manager by the reporter.
Marc:Fine.
Marc:But the fucking fucked up thing was...
Marc:is a couple of other reporters from the same outlet defended the reporter and said that I was being, I was overreacting.
Marc:Why didn't I handle it through email?
Marc:Why didn't I do this or that?
Marc:It was a public misreporting.
Marc:So I will handle it publicly.
Marc:And then one of them, now this is a person, I'm not gonna mention names.
Marc:I'm not gonna mention the name of the paper, not even the paper, the fucking website.
Marc:But another reporter said, what's the difference whether Marin stopped the show or was canceled?
Marc:Either way, it's canceled.
Marc:If they don't know that nuance and they don't know what it implies and they're working for an industry trade paper where that has a very specific meaning and also publicly saying that in a public forum, how the fuck does that person have a job if he honestly doesn't know the difference?
Marc:Anyway.
Marc:It's the end of information as we know it.
Marc:You better hope you got your feet on the ground, your head in the game and know who you are and what your life looks like and your immediate surroundings and where you stand with shit because the truth is always shifting.
Marc:Here's your garbage slash content.
Marc:I hope you just react to the headline and react to the bullshit.
Marc:Come on over.
Marc:Click on the portal.
Marc:There you go.
Marc:There's your garbage slash content.
Marc:Oh, did you catch this over here?
Marc:That's some paid presence trying to deliver some goods into your fucking desire system.
Marc:So you go out and do a little business.
Marc:And just by virtue of you looking at the garbage, you know, we kind of squeeze that other shit into your fucking sad, vulnerable brain.
Marc:And we've done our job.
Marc:You are a click that we can report and perhaps we can coattail some more crap into your life through the content garbage that you are interested in or respond to.
Marc:Okay.
Marc:All right.
Marc:I'm about over it.
Marc:Common complaint, but...
Marc:Yeah, good luck finding the truth out there.
Marc:They just want to keep you in a frenetic state of anxiety, fear, desperation, and need for something salacious or yummy.
Marc:Just stay online, man.
Marc:Just stay online, right?
Marc:So back to Spokane.
Marc:As I said, I can't say enough about it, I guess.
Marc:But no, there's a couple of things that happened.
Marc:Okay, okay, here.
Marc:I got two emails after I said such nice things about Spokane.
Marc:I got this email.
Marc:Subject line, thanks for nothing.
Marc:Quote, he's quoting me.
Marc:I don't want to let the cat out of the bag, but if you're looking to get out of wherever the fuck you are, I'm thinking of Spokane, unquote.
Marc:He said, that's me.
Marc:And he didn't put the word fuck.
Marc:He went put F asterisk, asterisk, asterisk.
Marc:And this is the bulk of the email.
Marc:Great, buddy.
Marc:25,000 plus people moved to Spokane in 2015.
Marc:In a relatively small urban area, proportionally, that's a lot.
Marc:It's changing fast.
Marc:And the usual metrics of quality of life, lack of congestion, affordability are disappearing fast.
Marc:Because of what you described, people are on the move to a place that simply must be better than where they currently reside.
Marc:It kind of sucks because, you know, when everywhere else was so happening and no one in their right mind would move here,
Marc:many of us more gritty types carved out lives for ourselves now that spokane is establishing better restaurants more shopping more of the more that urbanites need to be content well then the friction and hurdles to the notion of living here are removed here's hoping we get buried under seven feet of snow like we did in 08 and 09 and i wrote back sorry i liked your city john
Marc:Now this email I enjoyed.
Marc:And I understand what he's saying.
Marc:But you know, big country.
Marc:Big country.
Marc:Subject line, the seagulls from Dick's.
Marc:Hey, Mark, I listen to your podcast all the time and love the honesty and emotion you bring out in people and the vulnerability you're willing to show yourself.
Marc:So thanks for that.
Marc:I'm originally from the Spokane area, Coeur d'Alene.
Marc:It's in Idaho, I believe, right?
Marc:But live in Germany now.
Marc:Listening to you talk about dicks brought back nice memories from home and really made my day.
Marc:Growing up, I actually believed that all seagulls came from dicks.
Marc:On my first trip to the Oregon coast, I saw all the seagulls on the beach and exclaimed, look, it's the seagulls from Dick's.
Marc:I honestly thought that the seagulls had just migrated over.
Marc:Anyway, thanks for the little reminder of home.
Marc:Best, Ashley.
Marc:That's a funny one.
Marc:I didn't tell you about the casual.
Marc:Casual racism I encountered in Spokane.
Marc:It's hard to know what to do in those moments.
Marc:You want to say something, but then you're like, oh, they're old.
Marc:It's usually old people, older people.
Marc:Well, all right, well, what happened was,
Marc:Apparently, there's a small community of retired men who drive for the hotel.
Marc:They like to drive.
Marc:Maybe they need a few bucks.
Marc:Maybe they just want to get out and do something and talk to people.
Marc:I'm fine with that.
Marc:It's a nice way to talk to strangers if the stranger is willing to talk to you, and it gives you something to do.
Marc:One of the dudes who was driving me one day...
Marc:I told him I'd gone to White's to get boots and I liked that they were made here and made in America.
Marc:So then he started, you know, he did that line like, yeah, a lot of stuff used to be made here back in the day.
Marc:A lot of manufacturing.
Marc:I'm like, oh, here we go.
Marc:Yeah, I know that.
Marc:I know that story.
Marc:It's a sad story.
Marc:I wish I knew.
Marc:I wish I knew how to bring the manufacturing base back to the States.
Marc:I don't know the answer to that, but I know the conversation.
Marc:And I just started talking about how, yeah, now that people have been taught that, you know, everything's disposable.
Marc:It's pretty good for the economy, I guess, if people just buy shit and if it's fucked up, they can just throw it away as opposed to return it or expect any quality whatsoever.
Marc:And then he said, you know, I do gardening.
Marc:And I'm like, all right.
Marc:And then he said, I used to get these water, these sprinkler heads from the hardware store and they used to be made in America.
Marc:Not anymore.
Marc:Made in China, not as good.
Marc:And I don't really know what that meant.
Marc:I don't know what kind of racial dynamic, you know, he sees when he turns his sprinklers on that, you know, is there a sort of act of like, oh, these Chinese sprinkler heads, look at them.
Marc:Not look at my grass is not happy.
Marc:But it was the beginning of something I started to see as a narrative, not a narrative I had not heard yet.
Marc:So we started talking about other things manufactured elsewhere.
Marc:And, you know, he said, like my phone.
Marc:I got this cell phone.
Marc:I am not gonna change it.
Marc:You know, you get these new phones, they break because they're all chinchang chuchang.
Marc:Like you buy once, they're chinchang chuchang, broken.
Marc:You know, I talk to these people, they buy these bigger phones, they break.
Marc:Now, you know, I knew what he was saying was obviously racially insensitive and probably racist.
Marc:And I said, well, what phone do you use?
Marc:I mean, this old phone that you refuse to not part with.
Marc:And he said, Samsung, six years old.
Marc:Yeah, Samsung.
Marc:So I had that moment where like, how do I get this message through?
Marc:Like there was part of me that wanted to take the higher ground and almost be condescending and say to him, well, you know, that is Chin Chung Choo Chung as well.
Marc:But I did not do that.
Marc:I didn't.
Marc:And what was I supposed to do in that situation?
Marc:I guess I could have said, you know, it's racially insensitive to do that character.
Yeah.
Marc:I could have said, you know what, it's not right to say that.
Marc:Why don't you say it one more time and call it the last time and you say it with me, say it with passion, and then we move on past it and you don't say that anymore because it's a little racist.
Marc:That would not have worked.
Marc:What was he going to do?
Marc:Just go, you're right, you're right.
Marc:Thank you.
Marc:Thank you for educating me and making me a better person.
Marc:I didn't say that either.
Marc:I just switched topics.
Marc:And I'm ashamed of that.
Marc:I should have said something.
Marc:I apologize.
Marc:But right now, let's talk to Amber Tozer, who I like, who I haven't seen in a while.
Marc:And I'd forgotten something about our history that was sort of interesting.
Marc:She has a new book out called Sober Stick Figure, a memoir.
Marc:It's now available wherever you get books.
Marc:This is me and Amber Tozer.
Marc:Amber Tozer, I have not seen you in what?
Marc:Like fucking years, I think.
Guest:Probably.
Marc:No, like years.
Guest:Eight years?
Guest:Seven years?
Marc:What the fuck is that about?
Marc:Why have I not seen you?
Marc:Where did I even, like what?
Marc:Is there a problem between me and you?
Guest:Mm-hmm, you tell me.
Marc:I don't think so.
Guest:No.
Guest:I mean, I... No, I don't think there is.
Marc:I'm trying to remember where I met you.
Marc:I think, for some reason, Jeff Singer is involved.
Marc:Is that possible?
Guest:We met years ago in New York.
Guest:But we didn't really know each other.
Guest:I used to hang out at Luna Lounge before we started doing comedy.
Guest:I was there every single Monday.
Marc:Just hanging around?
Guest:Yeah, just getting drunk and just watching comedy.
Marc:But you lived in New York City?
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:And you had moved there to do what?
Guest:Well, I think I moved there to be a comedic actress, but I didn't want to admit it.
Guest:But I started working in dot-coms because it was 1999 and there were tons of jobs.
Guest:So I got all these office jobs, these PR and marketing gigs.
Guest:So I just sort of got sucked into day jobs.
Guest:And then I started going to comedy shows and I became obsessed with stand-up.
Marc:Yeah, because I remember you being around.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:And you were just like, I work in PR at soandso.com, and I'm just hanging around being drunk.
Guest:Is that you?
Guest:Yeah, that was me.
Guest:No, and I remember seeing you at Luna Lounge, and there was this one night where you had a really good set, but I don't think I watched it.
Guest:I was at the bar getting drunk.
Guest:It wasn't like I was in there watching you, but you know how they had TVs by the bar, and you destroyed,
Guest:People were going, and you came out of the performance space back to where the bar was.
Guest:And you grabbed my face and you kissed my forehead.
Guest:You were so happy that you, like you just had a great time on stage and you grabbed my face and you just kissed my forehead.
Guest:Sort of like a friendly dad.
Marc:Did I know you?
Marc:No, no.
Marc:You were a stranger.
Guest:I just was right there when you walked out of the room and you were just like, you were so happy.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:Wow.
Marc:You weren't doing comedy then yet?
Marc:No.
Marc:I meet a lot of people over a lot of years in a lot of different places.
Guest:Well, we hung out.
Guest:When I moved to L.A., when I first got sober, I reached out to you.
Marc:Oh, yeah.
Marc:And I was helpful, right?
Guest:Sort of.
Marc:Come on.
Marc:What do you mean?
Marc:What did I say?
Guest:We made out in your car.
Marc:Oh.
Guest:Do you don't remember?
Guest:And I was like, I was driving over here and I was like, I don't know if I'm going to talk about it, but you're all about honesty.
Guest:So I'm going to, so.
Marc:I do.
Marc:I remember.
Guest:We went to a couple of meetings and you were very helpful, but you, I don't know if you were just going through your divorce.
Guest:Right.
Marc:Or separated.
Guest:But you were like, you were pretty.
Marc:Out there.
Guest:You were pretty wrecked.
Guest:I was like, oh, I'm not getting, I'm not getting involved.
Guest:No way.
Marc:Not with that mess.
Guest:but then you kept then it was cool we were like all right i was like we got pink berry we went to a meeting we got pink berry and then we were talking in your car and you're like oh you just said you were being really nice to me and then we kissed and i was like i didn't think it wasn't i was just like i don't know if this is a good idea
Marc:And you were newly sober?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:What a monster I was.
Guest:Yeah, yeah.
Marc:What a predator.
Marc:What a fucking horrible man.
Marc:Didn't even wrestle with himself.
Marc:I must have had some inner conflict about making out with a newcomer.
Marc:Ugh.
Marc:I must have been really in a bad place.
Guest:You were in a horrible place.
Marc:Thank God.
Guest:But then we were cool, and then you kept texting me saying you wanted me to come over because you were... What?
Marc:Because why?
Marc:Go ahead.
Guest:Because you made a pie.
Guest:I did.
Marc:I probably made a pie, blueberry pie.
Marc:I've made some pies.
Marc:I remember this period.
Guest:Really?
Guest:Do you remember us making out the car?
Marc:I do now.
Marc:did you remember before i got here no you had to refresh my memory okay i know i was like i bet you he doesn't even remember but i remember you were being really cute and you were funny and that was not the first time i met you right no we had known each other for a while and you were sober and you were like being all um cute and excited but i'm sorry that i took advantage of that and i'm glad we didn't fuck or anything yeah i'm glad that like at least like did i stop the making out
Marc:please tell me i was like we shouldn't do this yes mark you you did you said you said you stopped you know no what happened no we just kissed it was like oh so it wasn't a massive make out no it was really it was it was a short kiss we tried kissing it didn't work out and we just moved on yeah all right that's different not a great idea for either of us and we moved past it yeah and then i tried to lure you to my house for pie
Marc:I made pie a lot.
Marc:I like cooking.
Marc:It makes me feel better.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:It's probably a blueberry pie or maybe an apple.
Marc:Probably blueberry.
Guest:I feel like there was a couple different nights that you texted and different things were on the menu.
Guest:Every time you texted me.
Marc:God forbid at that point I ask a woman on a date.
Marc:Yeah, that was 2007, 2008, Mark.
Yeah.
Marc:Pie was nice, though.
Marc:I thought that was a killer.
Guest:No, I know.
Marc:Did you think it was weird at the time?
Marc:Or were you just sort of like, eh?
Guest:I didn't think it was weird.
Guest:But I'm surprised that I didn't... Maybe if you would have... Because I did go through sort of an acting out sexually phase.
Marc:Missed it, huh?
Guest:You missed it.
Marc:I must have just been right after that.
Guest:Right after.
Guest:I tried to get it... Or maybe right before.
Guest:Maybe you planted some seed.
Marc:I'm being like, maybe... How long did that go on for?
Guest:Not long.
Marc:Because I can't... What kind of numbers are we talking?
Guest:Not a lot.
Guest:I can't... I tried it.
Guest:Maybe three.
Guest:Okay.
Marc:Ooh, wow, you're on a tear.
Guest:I'm sort of a prude, thank God.
Marc:Yeah?
Guest:Well, I just, I can't have sex with somebody that I don't.
Guest:like, that I can't talk to.
Guest:Right.
Guest:You know?
Guest:Right.
Guest:It's the, I'm like, ugh.
Marc:Yeah?
Guest:I can't do it.
Marc:Uh-huh.
Marc:I understand.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:I mean, but, but you usually, you're sexually attracted to them.
Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest:Right.
Guest:Once it's on, it's on, but it takes, it takes a bit.
Marc:So, I have your book here, now that we've reestablished my horrible behavior with you.
Marc:Glad that's out of the way.
Marc:Well, it's just, it sounds like it was just a kiss and a couple of pie pitches.
Marc:maybe a pie pitch and a like some other thing some other easily eating not too complicated not even a dinner I just have dessert ready yeah it was all dessert come on I was like come on make some chicken parmesan or something yeah oh really is that the thing that would have done it I don't think I've ever made chicken parmesan I love chicken parmesan you do yeah
Marc:But that's a lot of fried, and then cheese, and then sauce.
Guest:Well, you gotta work for it.
Marc:I could make bucatini llama chichana, which is better.
Guest:What is that?
Marc:That's like a pasta with a spicy red sauce and with almost like a bacon in it.
Guest:Maybe.
Marc:Well, I'm not offering now.
Marc:I'm just saying that would have been... Well, text me later.
Marc:Now you're going to get me in trouble.
Marc:If I am making a pie, I got a pie in the oven right now.
Marc:But Sober Stick Figure is the book I was sent, and it's in hardback, and it's right in front of me.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:It's a memoir.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:It's about your fucked up drunk life.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:How long have you been sober now?
Guest:Eight years.
Marc:And how's it going?
Guest:It's going great.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:But it hasn't always been great.
Marc:Right.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:Well, the first five are rough, man.
Guest:It is rough.
Guest:But it's, I don't know.
Guest:I think I get enough good stuff out of it, even when it's bad, that I keep going.
Guest:And I'm sort of curious what's going to happen when I stay sober.
Marc:Well, yeah, but eventually it just becomes like, I'm not going to fucking lose that count.
Guest:Oh, yeah, a pride thing.
Marc:Yeah, that kept me sober for years.
Marc:When I'd see people drink, I'd be like, nope, not giving up the day count, man.
Marc:Can't do it.
Marc:I'm in.
Guest:How many years do you have now?
Marc:16.
Marc:17 in August.
Guest:Double me.
Marc:Yeah, double digits now.
Guest:Damn.
Guest:Doesn't matter.
Marc:All I have is today, Amber.
Guest:And every day is a miracle.
Marc:Every day is a miracle.
Marc:Not great miracles some days.
Guest:No.
Marc:Not the kind of miracle.
Marc:It's hard to call them miracles, but yeah, I'll go with the framing.
Marc:Sure, today was a miracle.
Marc:I took a miracle nap.
Marc:Let's go back.
Marc:Are you still doing standup?
Guest:Sometimes not really.
Marc:What happened?
Guest:I just, I don't want to do it anymore.
Guest:I, and I finally am okay with it.
Marc:Wow.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:Tell me about that.
Guest:Well, I don't know why I did it in the first place.
Guest:I think I was just drunk all the time and was like, somebody better give me a microphone.
Guest:I'm hilarious.
Guest:And then when I got sober, I couldn't believe that I had been doing stand-up for so long.
Guest:It was one of the things like, why am I doing this?
Guest:But I felt like I should keep doing it because I was okay at it.
Guest:It's a pride thing.
Guest:Yeah, and I was like, ugh.
Guest:I can't quit just because I'm sober now.
Guest:I got to be able to, you know.
Marc:You got in it.
Marc:You were doing okay.
Marc:Because I remember you were working.
Marc:You were doing mics and stuff.
Marc:Did you do any TV?
Guest:I did Last Comic Standing.
Marc:Oh, really?
Marc:How far did you make it?
Guest:I made it past the first round.
Guest:I think it was 2007, but it aired in 2008.
Guest:And it was a horrifying experience.
Marc:Why?
Guest:I hated it.
Marc:You weren't barely sober.
Guest:No, I wasn't yet.
Marc:Oh, so you were hitting your bottom?
Guest:I was drinking.
Guest:I was drunk on TV, but I was so functional.
Guest:Like, you know, I could drink four or five drinks and just talk normal because just have enough confidence to talk like a normal person.
Guest:So I had I was pretty buzzed on TV, but I just was so nervous.
Guest:And that whole setup where you have like three minutes and it went OK.
Guest:Yeah.
Yeah.
Guest:But the only I think the only reason why they had me on the show is because I knew one of the executive producers.
Guest:And at the time I was selling mattresses on Craigslist for a job and they thought it was hilarious.
Guest:So the cameras came to my house and they filmed me delivering a mattress like I used to.
Guest:I used to strap them on top of my car and drive them around.
Marc:You sold mattresses on Craigslist?
Guest:Yeah, it was like my last two years of drinking, I started this sort of shady mattress business.
Marc:Out of all the things in the world that you could do in a shady way, why pick the most cumbersome, difficult fucking racket?
Guest:Because it all started out of a resentment.
Guest:I was working part-time at the thrift store, and the owner was this insane guy, and he taught me the whole mattress business.
Guest:Basically, you buy from a wholesaler, post an ad on Craigslist, jack up the price, and if you deliver, there's no overhead.
Guest:So I learned this whole business from him.
Guest:I quit.
Guest:He starts stalking me and is saying, are you selling mattresses on Craigslist?
Guest:Are you selling my idea?
Guest:I was like, no, Martin.
Guest:I'm done with the mattresses.
Marc:But was he selling mattresses?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:It was his idea.
Guest:He taught me everything.
Guest:Right.
Guest:So he taught me the whole world of Craigslist mattress selling.
Guest:So when I quit, he thought that I was doing it behind his back.
Guest:And he kept calling me and threatening me.
Guest:And I wasn't.
Guest:I was like, I'm done with the mattresses, Martin.
Guest:But he just kept bothering me.
Marc:How many mattresses did you sell?
Guest:Well, after I told him, I was like...
Guest:I'm going to do this because he thinks I'm doing it.
Guest:Fuck you, Martin.
Guest:I am going to sell mattresses.
Guest:So for the next two years, I sold and delivered 600 mattresses with my lesbian neighbor.
Guest:In what kind of car?
Guest:Well, after doing a lot of research, we discovered that San Francisco is the best market because people need them delivered.
Guest:And L.A., there was a lot of competition.
Marc:So you were in this.
Marc:This was your wife's business.
Guest:Man, it was a whole thing.
Guest:We had spreadsheets and... And there was nothing illegal about it.
Guest:No, I think you have to have a reseller's license to sell furniture.
Guest:So it was sort of illegal, like...
Marc:Were you getting shitty mattresses?
Guest:No.
Guest:That's one thing that kept me okay with it.
Guest:They weren't shitty.
Guest:They weren't fantastic.
Guest:I bought one and slept on one.
Marc:Did you say that in your pitch?
Guest:Yes.
Guest:Of course.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:But we would sell over the phone and we'd close a deal over the phone and be like, we'll just take it to your house.
Guest:We don't have a store.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:The reason why these are so cheap is because we had this whole thing.
Guest:I said, we'll bring it to your apartment.
Guest:If you don't like it, you don't have to buy it.
Marc:The reason it's so cheap is we don't have a store?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:We don't have overhead.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:So we'll just bring it to your house.
Marc:And these were sealed and clean?
Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest:They were good.
Marc:Where'd you pick them up?
Guest:Frank Jr., some guy named Frank Jr.
Marc:Yeah, never met Frank Sr.?
Guest:No.
Guest:No, I would have loved to have met Frank Sr.
Marc:So Frank Jr., you got him at a place?
Guest:Yeah, we got him at a place in L.A., and we pre-sold on the phone, packed up a 24-foot truck, and drove to San Francisco every other weekend and delivered mattresses all weekend, and then I would do a spot at the Punchline on Sunday nights.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:But you weren't living in San Francisco.
Marc:You were living here.
Guest:We lived here, but San Francisco is the best money-making for mattresses.
Marc:So you're driving up hills?
Guest:Oh, yeah.
Guest:In a 24-foot budget truck.
Guest:It was insane.
Marc:Did you make a lot of money?
Guest:Yeah, it was good.
Guest:It was good money.
Guest:We would probably make $1,200 each, $1,200 to $1,500 each in three days.
Marc:It's all right.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:It's a lot of work.
Guest:It's a lot of work.
Guest:And then we would do it twice a month.
Guest:But I was young.
Guest:To me, that was good money.
Guest:I was young and drunk, being like, $1,200 cash?
Marc:Yeah, all we got to do is get these mattresses.
Guest:Deliver 20 mattresses.
Marc:Take orders, put them in a truck.
Guest:I know.
Marc:And drive five hours up to five and drop them off at places in a hilly residential area.
Marc:This is perfect.
Yeah.
Guest:And that's when I got sober.
Marc:Oh, the mattress racket of all things.
Marc:You were just like, well, you locked in.
Marc:You were like, I'm going to do this and I'm going to do it great.
Guest:It was so hilarious at first.
Guest:I was like, I cannot believe we figured this out and it's working.
Guest:But then after about a year, it was depressing.
Guest:It was so depressing.
Guest:It was my last year of drinking too.
Guest:And I was like, we have to do this.
Marc:But it's just so funny.
Marc:That's the racket you think you're winning with.
Marc:I know.
Marc:We've really got this figured out.
Marc:We just got to go down to Frank Jr.
Marc:'s with a truck.
Marc:It's so crazy.
Marc:Most people are like, I don't have to do anything.
Marc:I'm just like, what is this batch of socks?
Marc:And I mark them up.
Marc:It's like a very... The thing that you had it made... I know.
Marc:With all of that fucking work is hilarious.
Marc:Oh, we've really nailed it.
Marc:So easy.
Marc:We just...
Guest:But I think I just the fact it was so hilarious to me.
Guest:I knew how ridiculous it was.
Guest:Right.
Guest:The stories kept me going, though, because and my friend who my friend Leslie, who I delivered these mattresses with, she's in the book a lot.
Guest:It was so it was really fun.
Guest:It was a fun adventure.
Marc:And were you doing material about mattresses?
Guest:Yeah, I was telling stories about it, but I was really disorganized and sort of half-assing comedy and really exhausted from delivering mattresses, so I couldn't really...
Guest:Focus on comedy.
Marc:So this producer that you knew at the last Comic Standing thought it was funny that you were selling mattresses out of your house.
Marc:You're like, this is a great hook.
Marc:This is a unique character for our stand-up personalities.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:She's like on the phone selling all sizes or...
Guest:Yes, all sizes, double pillow tops, full size, queen size, king size.
Guest:Queen double pillow tops were our bestseller.
Marc:Sure, that's the right size without you needing another room.
Marc:Right.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:You didn't have no California kings or nothing?
Guest:We did.
Marc:No.
Guest:We did.
Marc:You guys were moving California kings?
Guest:Yeah, in San Francisco, so six-story apartments.
Guest:Just the two of you?
Guest:Yeah, just the two of us.
Guest:And sometimes guys were very nice and helpful, and other times they had to just watch us to see if we could do it.
Yeah.
Guest:Good guys.
Marc:They're as good as I was making out with the newly sober person.
Marc:Let's just see if these poor girls can get a double super king up the bed.
Marc:California king.
Marc:Those things are huge.
Marc:So, okay.
Marc:So you're doing that in the last comic standing.
Marc:You didn't win.
Marc:You didn't lose too quickly.
Marc:You didn't like it.
Marc:And you got sober after it.
Guest:Yeah.
Yeah.
Marc:What about this decision though?
Marc:Because you did comedy for like how long?
Guest:A long time.
Guest:I think I started in 2001.
Guest:And I mean, I did a show six months ago.
Marc:So you're still kind of in.
Guest:Still sort of.
Guest:After I got the book deal, I was like, I'm just going to write this book.
Marc:Right.
Guest:And it was nice to take a break and to be okay with it.
Guest:I think the struggle is like being okay with it, you know?
Guest:No, absolutely.
Guest:Admitting.
Guest:It's sort of like a long breakup.
Guest:Right.
Guest:And I love stand-up, but I...
Guest:I pay attention to my friends who have been doing it for a long time, and they still want to get up, and they're doing it, and I don't have that type of drive.
Guest:For stand-up.
Guest:For stand-up.
Marc:Maybe go back to the mattresses.
Guest:Yeah, something.
Guest:But I really enjoy writing and I like the solitude of it.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:So it's good to have that clarity.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And I'm sort of scattered.
Guest:So if I'm doing too much at once, I sort of begin.
Guest:I half ass everything.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:So I want to be able to just.
Marc:Yeah, and also if you want to do readings or work stories, you know, as a writer, you know, Sedaris always, he does, he writes on stage.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:Like he'll write a piece and then he'll go do it on stage and mark where the laughs are.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:That could be fun.
Marc:Sure.
Marc:It's a pretty effective way to write to get that kind of laugh, to know that you can make a room full of people laugh with a thing from your story.
Guest:That's beautiful.
Guest:Smart.
Marc:It always struck me as smart that he did that that way.
Marc:So where'd you grow up?
Guest:Pueblo, Colorado.
Marc:Oh, that's right.
Marc:Pueblo.
Guest:Pueblo.
Marc:I kind of half know it because I grew up in New Mexico.
Guest:Oh, right.
Marc:So I remember going through Pueblo to go somewhere.
Marc:Probably Denver.
Guest:Denver.
Marc:Is it?
Marc:Because would I have to go there to get to any of the ski areas if I was coming up?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I-25.
Marc:Well, that was the only way out of New Mexico up to Colorado was 25.
Marc:I-25.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Were you Albuquerque?
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:It all feels familiar to me.
Marc:Colorado feels familiar to me.
Marc:But like when I go there, I don't know it that well.
Marc:I went to Boulder and I was like, wow, I don't know anything about this.
Marc:But I knew like Southern Colorado, kind of, because we go up there.
Guest:Yeah, I lived in Durango my freshman year of college.
Guest:Oh, yeah?
Guest:I went to school there at Fort Lewis, yeah.
Marc:At Fort Lewis?
Guest:Uh-huh.
Marc:That one school, that little school?
Guest:That one school, yeah.
Guest:I played basketball there.
Marc:You're like a jock person.
Guest:I'm jocky.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Not anymore, really.
Guest:But I was when I was young, super jock.
Marc:Thank God you were prepared to lift those mattresses.
Marc:You were like, I can do this.
Guest:I was ripped.
Guest:I got so in shape.
Guest:Are these lats right here?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Yeah, my lats.
Guest:Yeah?
Guest:Yes.
Marc:Popped out?
Guest:Like a fish.
Marc:And what was your relationship with, what's her name, Leslie?
Guest:She was my best friend.
Marc:Growing up or just here?
Guest:Just here.
Guest:I moved into an apartment complex.
Guest:Actually, I moved back there.
Guest:I still live there.
Guest:On Fountain Avenue.
Guest:And she was my downstairs neighbor.
Guest:And super fun.
Guest:We're still friends.
Guest:Lesbian.
Guest:We made out once when I got drunk.
Marc:Sounds like you do that with a lot of people.
Marc:Just make out.
Marc:Just kissed her, huh?
Guest:Yeah, we just kissed.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:Yes.
Yes.
Marc:Uh-huh.
Marc:Why do you gotta qualify when you were drunk?
Marc:You made out with your neighbor, a woman.
Guest:Made out with my lesbian neighbor.
Marc:And didn't stick?
Guest:No, because I'm not gay.
Guest:I made out with a lot of girls when I was drunk.
Guest:And when I got sober, I was like, oh, I think I could finally get some clarity on being gay.
Guest:And I'm straight, and I'm so mad.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:So mad about it.
Guest:So mad that you were straight?
Guest:Yes.
Marc:But like when you were drunk, you were like, I'm going to try again.
Guest:With girls?
Guest:Yeah.
Yeah.
Marc:You wanted it to happen?
Marc:You were like, please.
Guest:I was like, yes, yes.
Marc:Let me just be a lesbian.
Guest:Yes.
Marc:So are you done with that?
Guest:With girls?
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:Yeah, I mean, I get girl crushes, but I'm just physically attracted to guys.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:It's more of like an emotional communication type with girls where I'm like, oh my God, I love them, but I don't want to kiss them.
Marc:Right.
Marc:Oh, well.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:So it's too bad you're not drinking for those girls.
Guest:I know.
Marc:So Pueblo, Colorado is like a very small town, kind of, right?
Marc:It's like Albuquerque.
Guest:It feels small.
Guest:There's 100,000 people there.
Guest:That's small.
Guest:Small city.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:And what do you have, a sister?
Guest:I have two younger sisters and an older brother and an older half-brother.
Marc:Really?
Guest:Uh-huh.
Marc:Four of you.
Guest:And then two ex-stepbrothers from my mom's second marriage.
Marc:The fireman?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I had to remember.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:So when did this, like, because your memoir is kind of funny because you deal with, you're viewing it all through an alcoholic point of view.
Marc:Like it's really, you know, that's where you sort of start.
Marc:When did that start?
Marc:Not the drinking, but the alcoholic behavior, right?
Marc:Kind of.
Guest:Yeah, I don't... I feel like I was uncomfortable when I was super young, but during high school, I was confident and happy.
Guest:There was this magical four-year period in high school.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I don't know where it came from, but I went... Or maybe even starting in the eighth grade, I was happy.
Guest:I think because I was really busy and I was...
Guest:good at things yeah just popular and but I tried really hard I was like a validation junkie yeah so I was getting all of that what good at what like sports sports and good grades but I worked really hard it wasn't like I was a natural at anything and your parents were together they weren't together my biological father and my mom divorced when I was nine and then my stepdad and my mom got married I think when I was 11 just a couple years later and your biological dad what was he like
Guest:He was not okay.
Guest:He was a manic depressive alcoholic.
Marc:Manic depressive and alcoholic.
Guest:Yeah, he never came out of his bedroom.
Marc:Is that true?
Marc:My father would do that occasionally.
Guest:Yeah, just isolate.
Marc:Yeah, the bedroom thing.
Guest:Yeah, ugh, for years.
Marc:Really?
Guest:Yeah, that's all I remember.
Guest:I think from the age of three to when I could remember until I was nine in his bedroom.
Marc:Really?
Yeah.
Guest:The whole time?
Guest:Uh-huh.
Marc:And they owned a business, right?
Guest:Yeah, my mom ran it.
Marc:What was it?
Guest:Dewdrop Inn.
Guest:She still has it.
Guest:It's a restaurant.
Marc:And a bar, right?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Well, it started off as a bar, but my mom started experimenting with pizza recipes, and then it became super famous.
Guest:Well, in Pueblo.
Guest:Super famous!
Marc:Everyone knows about it.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:I hear people talk about it out here.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:In New York at pizza places, they're like, this is okay, but have you ever been to Pueblo?
Marc:Do drop in.
Marc:What was it?
Marc:Thin crust?
Marc:Thick crust?
Guest:Thick sweet crust.
Marc:Oh, yeah?
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:And she invented it?
Guest:She invented it.
Guest:She said she got the recipe from God because she went to church.
Guest:We were Catholic.
Guest:And for communion, instead of having the flat wafers, there was sweet bread.
Guest:So she had the sweet bread.
Guest:And she was probably 19, 20 at the time.
Guest:And she was like, ooh, this would be good with marinara sauce.
Guest:And she went home and experimented in the kitchen and came up with the pizza dough.
Marc:At 19, she already had you?
Guest:No, she was married, and I think they bought the bar.
Guest:She had my brother when she was 20, and then me when she was 23, I believe.
Marc:Wow.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:So you're growing up in this relatively sad household until nine years old.
Marc:And what happened?
Marc:Did your dad just sleep his way out of the house?
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:My mom finally left.
Thank God.
Marc:Just left?
Guest:Well, yeah.
Marc:Left him sleeping?
Guest:Just divorced him.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And he didn't want the dew drop.
Guest:He said he wanted the house and he wanted her to pay for the dew drop.
Guest:So she worked at a gas station and saved up money to buy the dew drop.
Marc:To buy her half, his half.
Marc:Because they would have split it, right?
Marc:It would have been a split, right?
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:Huh.
Marc:So did your dad, so she just left and he was in his room.
Guest:Yeah, and he was in his room.
Marc:Is he alive still?
Guest:No, he passed away years ago.
Guest:We think it's an overdose.
Guest:Oh, really?
Guest:Yeah, well, yeah.
Marc:Did you stay in touch with him?
Guest:Well, when they got a divorce, it was like every other weekend and I hated it.
Guest:And then I was, my mom stopped making me go over there just because he was negative.
Guest:He wasn't like physically abusive.
Guest:He was just... Sad.
Guest:Sad.
Guest:And then I think when my mom left, he got really scared and started to be nice to us.
Guest:I think he felt like, holy shit, I'm going to be alone.
Guest:So he tried, but it was too late.
Guest:And I was a teenager and I was like full of hatred.
Guest:So...
Guest:I would see him on... Then it started to be just the holidays or his birthday, blah, blah, blah.
Guest:And then when I moved to New York, I would come back and see him once or twice a year during the holidays.
Marc:Did he ever remarry or anything?
Guest:No.
Guest:He had a girlfriend for a little while.
Marc:He's just sad, man.
Guest:Oh, man.
Guest:Unmedicated?
Marc:Never got the medicine for the bipolar?
Guest:I don't think so.
Guest:No.
Guest:He was just...
Guest:And I didn't understand anything.
Guest:You know, when I moved to New York when I was 20, 21, just about to turn 22, I had just started drinking a lot.
Guest:So I just was like, he's and I had no idea about the disease or I just hated him.
Marc:About manic depression.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I knew nothing.
Marc:Did you ever get any resolution around that shit?
Guest:Yes.
Marc:How'd you do that?
Guest:Well, it's in my book, Mark.
Guest:No.
Guest:No, I just did a lot of work and then just being in recovery and understanding alcohol.
Guest:Did you make an amends with him?
Marc:Face to face?
Guest:No, he was already... I was drinking a lot when he died.
Guest:Oh.
Guest:Because how many years ago has it been?
Guest:It was probably 11 years ago, so I was still drinking.
Guest:Maybe 12 years ago.
Guest:God, I don't even know.
Guest:But...
Guest:So I was still drinking a lot.
Marc:Right.
Marc:So you let yourself off the hook through the amends process in a way?
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:That's what it's for.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:So I'm okay now.
Guest:And it was so funny because I didn't live day to day hating my dad because he wasn't a part of my life.
Guest:So when I was in high school or having fun in New York, I wasn't like, my dad's a bad person.
Guest:He wasn't even on my mind.
Guest:Right.
Guest:But the last year of my drinking, I was like crazy.
Guest:crying about him it was bizarre like all this stuff came up about him which i was like why why am i thinking about him all of a sudden did you figure it out um well i think well i had a moment of clarity when i quit drinking and my dad was like the first thing i thought of being like i'm not gonna go out like that so right so i don't know if it was just like coming to the surface for a reason because i i
Guest:That moment of clarity, I was like, I'm going to be like my dad and I don't want to be.
Marc:So he was a drunk?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:He was a drunk.
Guest:Oh, sorry.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:Well, no, I know you said he was kind of depressive and he drank, but I didn't know what that looked like.
Marc:So you'd go over to his house after the divorce and he'd be loopy?
Guest:No, he would drink like O'Doul's and stuff when we were over there.
Guest:And I was like, oh, that's weird.
Guest:But one time I went over there and I didn't tell him I like I surprised him and he was hammered.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:So I was like, are you drunk?
Guest:Because he would hide it from us because his dad was an alcoholic.
Guest:So he had so much shame around it.
Guest:Right.
Guest:So he hid it really well.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And the one time I showed up without telling him.
Marc:Wasted.
Guest:Wasted.
Marc:Wow.
Guest:And then I found out more from my older half-brother.
Guest:He told me a lot of stories that I had no idea about.
Guest:And then in the end, he drank a lot of vodka and pills.
Guest:And then, yeah, a maintenance man found him.
Marc:Oh, who found him?
Guest:A maintenance man.
Guest:Oh, really?
Guest:Mm-hmm.
Guest:In the apartment building.
Marc:Oh, man.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:So, yeah.
Marc:So you don't want to end up like that?
Guest:No.
Guest:So when I had my moment on an air mattress...
Guest:Not even like a real mattress.
Guest:You would think I would have a real mattress.
Marc:Is that the moment that made you sell nice mattresses?
Marc:You hit your bottom on an air mattress and you're like, I'm not going to be my dad and I'm going to provide good mattresses for whoever needs them.
Guest:Well, I had already stopped at the mattresses at that point.
Guest:I was just drinking.
Marc:Oh, that was post-mattress?
Guest:Yeah, like right towards the end.
Marc:You ended up on an air mattress?
Marc:This story just keeps getting sadder and sadder.
Guest:I know.
Marc:You don't want to be your dad and like a woman who is known in San Francisco for selling mattresses.
Guest:And I got sober.
Guest:My moment of clarity was in San Francisco.
Guest:On an air mattress.
Guest:On an air mattress in Oakland.
Marc:That's bad when you don't even have a mattress and he sold them.
Marc:I know.
Marc:In Oakland on an air mattress?
Marc:Wow, that sounds sordid.
Marc:How did that happen?
Marc:So, okay, we're going to have to track it.
Guest:Oh, man.
Guest:So... I was up in San Francisco just for a weekend.
Guest:The mattresses had already ended.
Guest:Probably a few months before, I think.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:I'm a little... I don't exactly know when... Details?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:But I was in San Francisco and I was at the punchline and I got hammered, drove over the Bay Bridge,
Guest:To a friend's house.
Guest:Did a bunch of Coke.
Guest:I don't like Coke.
Guest:Woke up on an air mattress.
Guest:Had an out-of-body experience, and I haven't had a drink since.
Marc:Really?
Guest:Uh-huh.
Marc:You were able to sleep on the Coke, though.
Marc:Couldn't have been that good.
Guest:well you've been up for a couple days you're just so funny i went to bed yeah like five in the morning and woke up at noon i think oh it was oh and i didn't like coke i i never really liked it but that night i was like i gotta do all the coke i hate it i gotta do all of it
Marc:Really?
Marc:So you just hated yourself.
Marc:You're like, I hate it so much, I'm gonna make myself feel bad.
Marc:Was that a comic you were at his house, her house?
Guest:No, I was at Leslie's, a friend of Leslie's.
Marc:Just doing coke and drinking.
Guest:Just doing coke and drinking.
Marc:With the lesbians.
Guest:And talking.
Guest:We were really figuring stuff out.
Marc:Of course you were.
Guest:We were figuring it all out.
Marc:Yeah, you probably had it all figured out by the time you went to bed.
Marc:So what do you mean an out-of-body experience?
Guest:I just felt... It was probably the Coke.
Guest:I don't know if it was a spiritual experience or the Coke.
Guest:It was right when I woke up.
Guest:I opened my eyes.
Guest:I was flat on my back.
Guest:And I just was like...
Guest:And I just knew I was done.
Guest:I knew I was done.
Guest:And I thought about my dad and I thought about, and I knew that I needed to ask for help.
Marc:You did?
Marc:How'd you know that?
Guest:Well, cause I had tried to get sober many times before by myself in secret, sort of just staying dry, like really white knuckling it.
Guest:And so I tried many, many times on my own.
Guest:So that time I knew I would have to do something different, which is ask for help.
Marc:And you did.
Marc:You knew a sober person.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:I emailed them.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:Oh really?
Marc:And it worked out.
Marc:Did they sponsor you?
Yeah.
Guest:No, they emailed me back right away, it was my friend Tom, and he gave me, a woman called me right away, his friend, this woman who runs a sober living.
Marc:Tom, a comic?
Guest:No, he was a producer.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:Wow.
Marc:And that was it?
Guest:And that was it.
Marc:That's great.
Marc:So let's talk about how you got that far.
Marc:So in high school, you're a happy kid.
Marc:Everything was going your way.
Marc:Cocky, confident, doing the athletics, getting good grades, probably being a little bit of a bully here and there.
Guest:Oh, yeah.
Marc:Shitty girl.
Marc:no I was nice I was sort of a people pleaser wanted everyone to like me but I was I would be mean to people if I if I thought they deserved it but Pueblo is like one of those places like New Mexico you can drive at like 15 or 16 like when do you get your driver's license 16 right so you're like in it got a car what kind of car you got
Guest:I had a Geospectrum, I think was my very first car.
Guest:And then I had a Jeep and then I got a pickup truck.
Guest:Can you believe I'm not a lesbian?
Marc:No.
Marc:I think that that's the next book.
Guest:I hope so.
Marc:You can do it.
Marc:I think you can do it.
Marc:I'm supportive of it.
Guest:God, maybe I just need to meet the right girl.
Marc:Oh, definitely.
Marc:I'll tell you, do you have a website?
Guest:I do.
Marc:All right, well, we'll print it out there in the world.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:Get some emails.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:I need a girlfriend.
Marc:Oh, boy.
Marc:I'm just trying to help you with your future because you don't want to do stand-up anymore.
Marc:I think this is a great new book for you where you just sort of like, the premise is at the beginning, you don't really like sex with women, but you really want to be a lesbian.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:And you just go on a bunch of different dates with different people and you finally find one.
Guest:Okay.
Marc:but wait tell me about the guy because i like the story about the dew drop too so so this was just a shitty bar that used to go in when you were a kid and you just see all those drunkies there and you liked them i loved them they were really nice to me smelled like cigarettes and stuff yeah yeah like pool table jukebox guys there every day yeah oh those are regulars they like would wait for your mom to open the place
Guest:Yeah, probably.
Guest:I don't remember that.
Guest:But we would go before it was.
Guest:I loved going before it was open because I would look in the booths for quarters and I'd look for money on the floor and help my mom vacuum.
Guest:It was fun.
Marc:Well, maybe you should take the restaurant over.
Guest:No way.
Guest:That's so much work.
Guest:I was a waitress there for seven years.
Marc:Oh, my God.
Marc:In high school?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:In the summers and weekends.
Marc:How big of a place is it?
Guest:Well, it was small, but my mom relocated now.
Guest:She has two locations.
Marc:Wow.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:She's a badass.
Guest:She's doing all right for herself.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:Well, that's a great story.
Marc:Your dad just swept and drank himself into a stupor.
Marc:Your mom goes and works at a gas station, gets enough money saved to buy him out, and turns the whole shit around.
Guest:Yep.
Marc:And then marries a fireman.
Guest:Marries an alcoholic fireman.
Marc:Well, you know, she had a style.
Guest:She has a taste.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:But he was a good guy, right?
Guest:He was all right.
Guest:He started off great.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:But then...
Guest:He was nice to me because I was sporty and he was sort of a sports guy.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:But drinking, my mom had to leave him.
Marc:Again?
Guest:Mm-hmm.
Marc:Wow.
Guest:Mm-hmm.
Marc:Got ugly?
Guest:It sort of did, but I was already out of the house when it really ended.
Guest:I think for two years I was out of the house and then they got a divorce.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:There wasn't a lot of yelling and screaming.
Guest:No.
Guest:Not with my biological dad or my stepdad.
Guest:My mom's not like, she just works.
Guest:She works and she just like shuts down and then makes a decision.
Marc:Does she come from alcoholics?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:My grandfather died from it, so she was raised by alcoholics.
Guest:I mean, it's everywhere.
Marc:So she went the other way.
Marc:She was like the control freak person.
Marc:Mm-hmm.
Marc:As opposed to the drunk.
Guest:Mm-hmm.
Marc:Right.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:I think that's the more proactive, healthier way to go.
Marc:If you're going to be a kid of an alcoholic, try to be the one that wants to control everything.
Marc:Yep.
Marc:Because they do pretty well.
Guest:They do.
Marc:Until they just hit a wall where you're like, I can't work anymore.
Marc:I hate everybody.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:And then it's all fucking over.
Guest:I'm waiting for her to hit a wall.
Guest:She's, you know, in her 60s working seven days a week at the restaurant.
Marc:Well, I'm sure it sounds like she's got like whatever, whether it's recovery or not, she's found balance in her life.
Marc:And, you know, if it's not killing her, then why not?
Marc:yeah she likes to stay busy and she's happy yeah yeah no alan oning no just working just working she's too busy she doesn't have time that shit yeah well you know those people i mean they don't have to hit a wall but eventually you know some crisis of control happens you know what i mean yeah where you're kind of like i can't i don't have control over this you know
Guest:She started taking breathing classes and I think it helped.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:Breathing classes.
Guest:Breathing classes.
Marc:Was she a breath holder?
Guest:I don't know.
Guest:I got to ask her.
Marc:I hold my breath.
Guest:Me too.
Guest:You do too?
Guest:I'll find myself.
Marc:Just like not breathing.
Guest:Yes.
Guest:All the time.
Guest:Me too.
Guest:Or I'm a shallow breather.
Marc:People have to tell me, like, breathe.
Marc:When I'm working out or something, if I'm working with a trainer, she's like, breathe.
Marc:I'm just holding my breath, lifting things.
Guest:Do you take short breaths?
Guest:I feel like my breath goes right here and then comes back out.
Marc:Yeah, I don't know.
Marc:Whenever someone tells me how to breathe, I'm like, that seems like a lot of work.
Marc:Like, I have to be aware of it.
Marc:Like, breathing should be relatively passive.
Marc:You know what I want to be like?
Marc:Because then I hyperventilate.
Marc:What?
Marc:What?
Guest:But they say when you focus on your breath, you can't, your mind has to go there.
Guest:So you can't.
Marc:That's meditation, right?
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:Right.
Marc:So your mother's breathing and making pizzas, managing restaurants.
Marc:She get married a third time?
Guest:Yes.
Marc:Oh, my God.
Marc:What kind of fuck up was that guy?
Yeah.
Guest:They're still married.
Guest:Oh, good.
Guest:He's a farmer.
Marc:Oh, my God.
Guest:And he only has two beers a day.
Guest:But he's aware of that?
Guest:Oh, yeah.
Marc:So he said, controlled drinking, controlled alcohol.
Marc:That's great.
Guest:He...
Guest:He's a workaholic.
Guest:Oh, he is?
Guest:He has 150 acres.
Guest:Oh, yeah?
Guest:Oh, yeah.
Guest:In Pueblo.
Marc:That's a lot of land.
Guest:Yeah, a lot of land.
Guest:He leases it out, you know, but there's like pinto beans and corn.
Marc:Does he do like organic, sell it locally kind of thing, or is he part of the big machine?
Guest:I think he's part of the big machine.
Marc:Well, that's good.
Marc:It's not an easy racket.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:This is his hobby.
Guest:He's already retired.
Marc:Farming 150 acres is his hobby?
Guest:Yes.
Guest:Yeah?
Guest:Mm-hmm.
Marc:Wow.
Guest:He's a good guy.
Guest:He's a little socially interesting.
Guest:He might, I don't know, he might have Asperger's.
Guest:Oh, yeah?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:But I would much rather have him have that than anything.
Marc:How does that manifest itself?
Yeah.
Guest:I don't, I just, I'm, I think I'm just diagnosing him, but it's just like social cues, you know, he'll talk about trains and electricity and I could be like, and he'll just keep going.
Guest:Oh yeah.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:He thinks you're, it doesn't matter whether you're interested or not.
Guest:Oh no, I could start crying and he'll just keep going.
Guest:He'll need to get to his point.
Guest:He has to get all the way to the end.
Marc:Can you walk away and come back?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Marc:oh yeah all right so so you're in high school you're doing well and then what what what what when does the magic because it sounds like you're you're headed towards the light of of being the uh progeny of alcoholics you're you're heading towards control freaky uh sportsy like you're you're going the right way
Guest:You know, I, I took a few road trips and realized that the world is really big and I didn't want to stay in Pueblo anymore.
Guest:And I went to New York the year before I graduated college.
Guest:And I was like, I have to move here.
Guest:So after I graduated, you weren't drinking yet.
Guest:No, not, well, in the summers and, you know, like a kid.
Guest:But just sort of like, woo.
Guest:But I would get hammered every time I did.
Guest:I didn't do it often, but when I did, I did it.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:So I was already, I had already blacked out a lot, but.
Marc:But not regularly.
Guest:No.
Marc:Right.
Guest:It was just a lot of fun.
Marc:Where'd you go to college?
Marc:Fort Lewis?
Guest:Fort Lewis and then University of Southern Colorado.
Guest:Doing good grades?
Guest:Basketball grades.
Marc:Playing basketball?
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:You're not that big.
Guest:I know, I'm tiny.
Marc:But you're just a whiz?
Guest:Yeah, super fast, aggressive, three-pointer.
Marc:Really?
Guest:No look passes.
Guest:Defensive.
Marc:Yeah?
Marc:That good, huh?
Guest:I used to be good.
Marc:Do you still play for fun?
Guest:No.
Marc:Why?
Guest:Because I don't know.
Guest:I didn't like it in college.
Guest:It really upset me.
Marc:Were you on a scholarship?
Marc:Uh-huh.
Guest:And I sort of didn't want to do it anymore.
Guest:Sounds like comedy.
Marc:This seems to be your, what is it?
Marc:Your pattern.
Guest:To quit?
Marc:Well, to get pretty good at something and then just like, fuck it.
Guest:I love quitting.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I just, I think I like proving to myself that I could do things and being like, all right, good enough.
Guest:What's next?
Marc:I have a little of that, but I do, I've kept like guitar as a hobby.
Guest:And you're stand up.
Marc:Well, stand-up is like, that's my life.
Marc:But I think about quitting a long time.
Marc:Like, I've thought about quitting, but there was never, like, I really get a lot out of it.
Marc:And I'm pretty good at it.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:And, like, it's uniquely mine.
Marc:For me, stand-up gave me the freedom to be exactly who I want to be, or at least to figure that out.
Guest:Right.
Marc:To try to figure it out.
Marc:You know, to be true to myself somehow.
Guest:Yeah.
Yeah.
Marc:So that was always the mission.
Marc:But it does become sort of like the problem I'm having right now is that I feel okay.
Marc:I'm not in a rush.
Marc:I'm not desperate.
Marc:I'm not struggling.
Marc:So where do I speak from?
Marc:Like my whole life was about those things.
Guest:Right.
Marc:Freaking out, pissed off, struggling to get somewhere.
Marc:And now like I'm kind of somewhere and I'm like not freaking out as much.
Guest:So what do you talk about?
Marc:Good question, Amber.
Marc:Good fucking question.
Marc:And then there's the next question is like, why do it at all?
Marc:Why do fucking anything?
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:chill out but how do you do that breathing classes i i'm trying i'm trying it so all right so you're done with basketball and you're just sort of like you go to new york on a trip to visit somebody or what
Guest:I just went with a friend to explore for a little bit.
Guest:What did you explore?
Guest:And I loved it.
Guest:We just.
Marc:You're this jock from fucking Colorado.
Marc:Some college jockette.
Guest:We walked around.
Guest:We were too afraid to take the subway.
Guest:So we walked a lot.
Marc:Just tourists.
Marc:Colorado kids.
Guest:Colorado kids.
Marc:Didn't want to get mugged.
Guest:So scared.
Guest:But it was exciting.
Marc:It's big.
Marc:The first time you go to New York is amazing.
Guest:Oh my God.
Marc:Because you just, right when you get there, you're like, Jesus.
Guest:It is incredible.
Marc:It fucking goes on forever.
Marc:It's huge.
Guest:It was it.
Guest:My mind exploded and I was like, I have to come back here.
Guest:And so I had one year of school left and I went back and I went back to Pueblo to graduate.
Guest:And I started listening to Tony Robbins to get myself pumped up.
Guest:I was like, I'm going to move.
Guest:I'm going to move to New York.
Marc:And so I started just you're just getting pumped up to move.
Marc:You didn't have a plan.
Marc:No.
Marc:No life plan.
Marc:You're just like, you're going to listen to Tony Robbins to move.
Guest:That's what I did.
Guest:And I didn't have a plan, but I was pumped.
Guest:And I did it.
Guest:Bought a one-way ticket to suitcases.
Marc:What's your degree in?
Guest:Business.
Guest:I have a business degree.
Marc:And you did well in school.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:So you had some mind for something.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:But no plan.
Guest:No plan.
Marc:So you moved.
Marc:Moved.
Marc:One-way ticket, Tony Robbins tape in your bag.
Marc:You're listening on a Walkman, right?
Guest:I did.
Guest:CD.
Guest:30-day personal power.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:90 days in a row.
Guest:Unstoppable.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:So what do you do when you get to New York?
Guest:I had a hotel room for a week and I went on job interviews.
Marc:For what?
Marc:Business?
Guest:You know, business stuff.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Just internet companies.
Guest:All internet companies.
Guest:I ended up getting hired as a headhunter down in Wall Street.
Guest:Wow.
Guest:Wow.
Guest:yeah it was so i found a job within three days but i could not find an apartment but before i had moved i um i was online and the internet was and you were like nailing it you're all like business suit kind of doing the thing my mom bought me a super expensive business suit and i was overdressed every single time but i felt pretty powerful
Marc:Good suit, Tony Robbins.
Marc:Head full of Tony Robbins and an expensive business suit.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I found a job and then, but I had been emailing people.
Guest:The internet was, I mean, there was like one site to find apartments.
Marc:What year was that?
Marc:Like...
Guest:99.
Guest:So I was emailing with this guy, Jeff, and we had become friends, but by the time I got out there, the room was already rented.
Guest:But he was really nice.
Guest:So I had to stay on his futon for two days and then found an apartment in Astoria.
Marc:When does it all start to unravel?
Guest:Well, I was drinking right away a lot.
Guest:I had to.
Guest:I could not handle...
Marc:What did Tony Robbins say about that?
Guest:I stopped listening to him.
Marc:That's probably what did it.
Guest:I stopped listening to Tony.
Guest:I was getting drunk every day.
Marc:With who?
Guest:Guys from work, by myself, whoever.
Guest:I was sort of okay.
Guest:After a little bit, I was okay going to bars by myself.
Marc:What was your drink?
Guest:Long Island iced teas for a while.
Guest:Just because you're young, you're like, I want to get hammered right away, and that's the drink.
Guest:And then I switched to 7 and 7, and then eventually vodka gimlets.
Marc:That was the last one?
Marc:Vodka gimlets?
Guest:Vodka gimlets and white wine.
Marc:7 and 7, pretty good drink.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:That's a hard drink.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:I went for it.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Vodka gimlet, that's lime juice?
Guest:Mm-hmm.
Guest:Mm-hmm.
Guest:Nice.
Guest:Old lady drink, yeah.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:But I just... I don't know, and I think I was...
Guest:After the initial rush of moving to New York wore off and I was just at these day jobs.
Guest:And I bounced around day jobs.
Guest:So I was like a headhunter.
Guest:And then I got a job as a PR person at a new startup.
Guest:And I bounced around these day jobs.
Guest:But once the rush of moving to New York wore off, I was like, this is it.
Guest:I'm here.
Guest:So what?
Guest:And then I started to go to comedy shows.
Guest:And I loved, I was like, I can't.
Guest:I just loved it.
Guest:I loved watching stand-up.
Guest:And I went to shows almost every night for a year.
Guest:Just everywhere.
Guest:I don't know.
Guest:I don't remember the names.
Marc:Who were you seeing?
Marc:Who were the first people you saw that made you like, wow, this is amazing?
Guest:I saw...
Guest:Well, everyone at Luna, like you and Janine and Zach and, you know, Eugene Merman and those guys were starting out.
Guest:Nick Kroll, Chelsea Peretti.
Guest:You know, I went to B3 with Becky Donahue.
Guest:Oh, yeah.
Guest:I think every Wednesday night and just... So mostly alt rooms.
Guest:Yeah, mostly.
Guest:I mean, occasionally I would go to Caroline's, but I was really... I loved the alt rooms.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And I would just sit there and just be like, oh, my God.
Guest:I was just fascinated.
Guest:I was like, how are they doing that?
Guest:Aren't they so scared?
Guest:Are they just coming up with that right off the top of their head?
Guest:How do they do that?
Guest:And it just brought, I was just so, and I was meeting really cool and interesting people and just trying to find my place.
Guest:And I just, I loved it.
Guest:And then I was like, I could do this.
Guest:I could do this.
Guest:And you're not going to believe this.
Guest:One of my PR jobs was,
Guest:We had a client that had an interview at some daytime show on CNN.
Guest:So I'm standing outside the CNN building, and I hear this magical voice go by me.
Guest:And I'm like, that's Tony Robbins.
Guest:And I turn, and it's Tony Robbins.
Guest:And I go up to him, and I'm like, oh, my God.
Guest:I'm like, you're not going to believe this.
Guest:But I moved to New York because I listened to your tapes, and my aunt quit smoking because she listened to your tapes.
Guest:And he's like, what?
Guest:What are you doing this weekend?
Guest:And I thought he was hitting on me.
Guest:I was like, nothing.
Guest:What are you doing?
Guest:And he gave me a card.
Guest:He's like, call my assistant.
Guest:I'm doing, I have a, I'm doing a, what are they called?
Guest:A seminar in New Jersey this weekend and I'll give you two free tickets.
Guest:And I was like, what?
Guest:I'm going.
Guest:So I asked all of my friends, and they were like, what?
Guest:I'm not going to that.
Guest:That guy's a fucking, you know, New Yorker.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:He's like, the infomercial guy?
Guest:I was like, I said, well, I'm going by myself.
Guest:So I went...
Guest:I did this Tony Robbins seminar by myself.
Guest:I took, like, a short bus from Port Authority with these Tony Robbins groupies.
Guest:I don't know how.
Guest:I just ended up on this bus with a bunch of middle-aged women.
Guest:And they love Tony, too.
Guest:And we were just talking.
Guest:And I told them that I met him on the street.
Guest:And they were like, what?
Guest:I said, yeah, I got two free tickets.
Guest:They were like, we had to pay $500 for our tickets.
Guest:Oh, shit.
Guest:I was like, oh, I had an extra one.
Guest:Nobody wanted it.
Guest:They were going nuts.
Guest:And then I went to the seminar and I got jazzed again.
Guest:And then I started doing stand-up comedy.
Guest:I asked for a $10,000 raise like the next day.
Guest:Got it.
Guest:And then I started doing stand-up comedy.
Marc:Because Tony, was there a point where he says, do you visualize what you want to do, that kind of thing?
Marc:In your mind, was that the problem you were working on when you went to the seminar kind of thing?
Guest:Sort of.
Guest:I was really upset that I was just working these day jobs, and I was sort of just wanting to do it.
Guest:How long was the seminar?
Guest:It was an all day thing.
Guest:And I was sitting next to businessmen who were forced to go there for their jobs because Tony is like a business guy where he trains a lot of corporate people.
Guest:But these business dudes were like, our company sent us here today.
Guest:But by the end of the day, we're freaking singing Tina Turner doing jumping jacks.
Guest:He brainwashed all of us.
Marc:And you just left with the confidence?
Guest:Yes, and I ran down.
Guest:Like, the show's over, and I ran.
Guest:It was this huge, it was Continental Arena.
Guest:I think that's what it was called then.
Guest:I don't know, but I go, and the seminar's over, and everybody's leaving, and Tony's, like, shaking people's hands on stage, and I scream from, like, the second row, and I'm like, Tony!
Guest:I'm like, we met yesterday on the street.
Guest:And he's like, oh, hey!
Guest:Thanks for coming.
Guest:And then he's like, oh, I got to catch my chopper to a show.
Guest:And he told me that.
Guest:And I was sort of bummed that he told me that.
Guest:So I was like, oh, you got to catch her.
Guest:I just don't tell me that.
Marc:What did you think he was going to do?
Marc:Get the bus?
Marc:I don't know.
Marc:That's what ruined Tony Robbins for you?
Marc:Oh, you thought he was bragging like he didn't seem like the everyman that you decided he was?
Guest:And then I just, you know...
Guest:But it was pretty incredible.
Marc:So you left all jacked?
Guest:Jacked.
Marc:And you weren't drunk at the seminar?
Guest:No.
Guest:I wasn't.
Guest:I don't think they had alcohol there.
Marc:So the next day you asked for...
Guest:a raise because i was working hard i was a hard i i was a i was working hard and felt like i deserved it so you just got this like tony robbins really it really made a difference right wow yeah and then you started doing stand-up uh-huh i took a class a six-week writing workshop and then graduate with who um tommy koenig oh yeah yeah yeah and
Guest:So for six weeks and then when you graduated, you got five minutes and I did it at stand up New York.
Guest:It was my first time and it went OK.
Guest:It went well enough for me to try it again.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And the second time I did it, I did.
Guest:I killed and I was like, oh, I got addicted to it.
Marc:Right.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:The old athletic high school good times.
Marc:I'm good at this girl.
Marc:Is back.
Back.
Marc:People love me.
Guest:Working hard.
Marc:And were you running around doing spots?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And I had met so many people.
Guest:So I knew everyone.
Marc:Oh, because you're hanging around.
Guest:I was hanging around for a year and everyone was really nice.
Guest:I said, hey, I'm trying it out.
Guest:And they'd give me stage time.
Marc:So now what's going on with the alcohol at this point?
Guest:really drunk but really functional yeah performing drunk well not hammered but yeah if like two or three yeah to to like i'm not quite sure if i was on the gimlets yet just whatever no beers though always hard liquor
Guest:Usually hard liquor, because beer, I was afraid of getting fat.
Guest:And I started smoking, too.
Guest:I wasn't a smoker until I started doing comedy.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:Yeah, and then I was a chain smoker.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:See, a tell school.
Marc:The David Tell School of Comedy.
Guest:Oh, yeah.
Guest:Smoked those cigarettes.
Marc:Everybody used to smoke then.
Guest:Did you?
Guest:You smoked?
Marc:I did, yeah.
Marc:Merman smoked.
Marc:I don't think he smokes anymore, though.
Marc:He was a big smoker.
Guest:A lot of us did.
Marc:It's weird.
Marc:I'm still on nicotine, but I haven't smoked cigarettes since 1999, 2000, something like that.
Guest:And you can still smoke in bars, then.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I'm smoking inside.
Marc:That's great.
Marc:God.
Marc:Everybody just smoking.
Guest:Nobody cared either.
Guest:You could blow it right in their face.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:I don't know what changed.
Marc:Fucking everything got ruined.
Marc:Internet.
Guest:Everyone's boring.
Marc:Local farming.
Marc:Damn it.
Marc:No cigarettes.
Guest:Damn it.
Marc:All the good things.
Marc:Well, that's not true.
Marc:Local farming is good.
Marc:The internet's fine.
Marc:Smoking inside is probably bad.
Marc:Remember when you could smoke on planes?
Marc:That's the thing that always amazes me.
Marc:That there was like the last four seats of the plane were a smoking section.
Marc:And it's like, you're on a plane now.
Marc:It's like,
Marc:How did the entire plane smell like cigarettes?
Marc:There's no way it didn't.
Marc:I know.
Guest:There's no way.
Guest:It's such a, it's such a horrible, I hung out, my friend was staying with me over the weekend and she's a chain smoker.
Guest:And she'd get in my car.
Guest:Yeah, she's smoking.
Guest:She'd smoke outside and then come in and be like, you smell like shit.
Guest:It's crazy.
Guest:It's crazy.
Marc:You don't even think about it.
Marc:No.
Marc:Back then.
Marc:All right.
Marc:So you're doing the comedy.
Marc:You're in New York.
Marc:You're getting shit faced.
Marc:And then like for years.
Marc:Years.
Marc:Were people concerned?
Guest:No.
Marc:Because you were functioning.
Guest:Functioning, not getting in fights.
Marc:Having a good time.
Guest:Having a great time, showing up to work.
Marc:When did you quit those jobs?
Guest:The internet jobs?
Yeah.
Guest:Well, my last year in New York, I was a waitress and I really liked it.
Marc:Was that, had you fallen or you just decided?
Guest:I wasn't doing, it was really sad.
Guest:I just got really super, super depressed.
Guest:And then I was in a relationship.
Guest:I was in a relationship for four years in New York.
Marc:With a comic?
Guest:Uh-huh.
Marc:Who?
Guest:I'm not going to say.
Marc:Will you tell me after?
Guest:Uh-huh.
Guest:All right.
Marc:I probably knew this.
Guest:Yeah, go ahead.
Guest:And it was just not going well.
Guest:We were both controlling each other and breaking up all the time.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And I wasn't doing comedy.
Marc:You weren't.
Marc:Why not?
Guest:I just, I stopped.
Guest:I don't know.
Guest:I was really depressed and like stopped being, I guess stopped being functional.
Marc:Alcoholic wise.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:Just really hung over all the time.
Guest:Super, super, super, super bad hangovers.
Guest:And then I started working part time in an office and I was sick of the office.
Guest:I hate office work unless I'm writing something that I care about.
Guest:I sitting in an office at a desk.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:Working for people that you don't like.
Guest:I'd much rather be a waitress because you get to talk and walk around.
Guest:And, you know, so I started waitressing and I wasn't doing comedy.
Guest:And then I was like, I'm moving to L.A.
Guest:I wanted to get out of there.
Guest:And I did.
Marc:Just a geographical, really?
Marc:No real plan?
Guest:No real plan.
Marc:Tony help you?
Guest:No Tony.
Guest:Wasn't interested in Tony again.
Marc:Damn.
Guest:And I just moved to LA.
Marc:Did you think it was clinical depression or just alcohol-based?
Guest:You know, I don't know.
Guest:I was drinking so much I have no idea.
Marc:And then you come out here.
Guest:Come out here, little bit of hope, sunshine.
Marc:Doing comedy again?
Guest:A little bit, yeah.
Guest:I was going to shows, sort of checking it out.
Marc:What was this, 2000 and what?
Guest:2006 2006 but i didn't like i'm the i didn't like doing comedy i liked stand up much more in new york because in la you know it's like everyone's in the industry yeah and the audiences yeah so there's no people there just to enjoy comedy so the stand-up scene i wasn't loving it yeah but i was i love i was like i was happy to be out here because a lot of my friends had already moved out here
Guest:but still drinking still drinking but not as depressed right i sort of got like a second boost of happiness when i moved here yeah just a new life and new opportunities and um got a job sell mattresses that was it oh i got it was a thrift store thrift store and then selling mattresses and i did that are you and uh martin okay now
Guest:No.
Guest:I don't know if he knew what I did.
Guest:I had no idea.
Marc:He accused you of it.
Guest:He accused me of it.
Guest:I was like, you think I'm doing it?
Guest:I'm going to do it.
Guest:But I don't know if he knew.
Marc:Is he still around?
Guest:No, that thrift store is not there anymore.
Marc:Maybe he's doing the mattresses.
Guest:He probably is.
Guest:He had a niece who stole the idea from him.
Guest:He told me about her.
Guest:He's like, see this ad?
Guest:It's from my niece.
Guest:I taught her the business, but we had a big falling out.
Guest:And she was running LA.
Guest:She even started to copy and paste my ads.
Guest:And I got in a fight with her.
Guest:I was like, you are stealing my creative selling techniques.
Guest:You're basically copying and pasting.
Guest:And she just hung up on me.
Marc:It's competition within the weird mattress hustle.
Marc:The three people that actually thought they were really on to something.
Guest:I told her, you're obviously not an artist.
Marc:No, you didn't.
Guest:I did.
Guest:That was like my zinger.
Guest:And then she hung up on me.
Marc:Because she's like, you're crazy.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:So what's the future of that?
Marc:Just renting more trucks?
Marc:Were you going to hire more people?
Guest:Well, you know, it became a saturated market.
Guest:A lot more people are selling mattresses.
Guest:It's crazy.
Marc:I always knew mattresses were a racket.
Marc:How could they not be?
Guest:I know.
Marc:Casper mattresses are good.
Marc:Oh, really?
Marc:But okay, so you're doing the mattresses, and then you end up in Oakland, you're doing comedy, drinking on an air mattress, and you fucking just have your white light experience, and you get sober, and life's been good.
Marc:Is Tony back?
Guest:A little bit.
Guest:Tony makes a cameo every once in a while when I'm really desperate.
Guest:I have him on my iPod.
Guest:No, it's been good.
Guest:It's been difficult.
Guest:It's been very emotional, like layers.
Guest:I've been depressed and full of rage and all of it.
Guest:But I...
Guest:I don't know.
Guest:I'm happier than I've ever been.
Marc:And the book took you how long to write?
Guest:I got the deal in April, I think like seven months.
Guest:It was a pretty quick turnaround because I started writing a proposal in January, finished it in March, got the deal in April, and my deadline was in September.
Marc:Well, I'm very happy for you.
Guest:Thank you.
Marc:Good picture.
Guest:Thanks.
Marc:You look like mature and, you know, sort of grounded in the picture.
Guest:Yeah, I put lipstick on.
Marc:And you have the kind of like, not like out of control smile.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:Just like I'm on top of shit smile.
Guest:Yeah, it's under control.
Marc:I'm a writer.
Guest:I'm a business lady.
Yeah.
Marc:All right.
Marc:I feel good about what we've done here.
Guest:Okay, good.
Marc:I'm not going to try to make out with you.
Guest:All right.
Marc:And I'm looking forward to the lesbian memoir in three years.
Guest:You got to help me find a lady.
Marc:They'll be emailing you.
Marc:Thanks for coming.
Guest:Thank you.
Marc:I like her.
Marc:I like the book.
Marc:It's cute.
Marc:Amber Tozer, thank you.
Marc:Thank you for coming.
Marc:Do I ever say that?
Marc:They're gone.
Marc:She's long gone.
Marc:Go to WTFPod.com, powered by Squarespace, to check out my tour dates, get some merch, to do whatever you're going to do.
Marc:And please take care of yourself, and please really think about what you're doing.
Marc:Could you please just think about what you're doing?
Marc:And if it's shitty, try to curb it or stop it.
Marc:No guitar today.
Marc:I'm too hot.
Marc:I'm saving my ears.
Marc:Okay?
Marc:Just for today.
Marc:Just for today.
Marc:I'm going to give my ears a rest.
Marc:Boomer lives!
Marc:Boomer lives!
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