Episode 72 - Maria Bamford

Episode 72 • Released May 12, 2010 • Speakers detected

00:00:00Guest:Lock the gates!

00:00:07Guest:Are we doing this?

00:00:08Guest:Really?

00:00:08Guest:Wait for it.

00:00:09Guest:Are we doing this?

00:00:10Guest:Wait for it.

00:00:12Guest:Pow!

00:00:12Guest:What the fuck?

00:00:14Guest:And it's also, eh, what the fuck?

00:00:16Guest:What's wrong with me?

00:00:17Guest:It's time for WTF!

00:00:19Guest:What the fuck?

00:00:20Guest:With Mark Maron.

00:00:24Marc:Okay, let's do this, what the fuckers, what the fuck buddies, what the fucking ears.

00:00:29Marc:Whatever you want to call yourselves, it's okay with me.

00:00:31Marc:I am in the car.

00:00:32Marc:I don't give a shit about anything.

00:00:35Marc:I am driving.

00:00:36Marc:I don't know if you know what that feels like.

00:00:38Marc:Of course you do.

00:00:38Marc:We all have cars.

00:00:39Marc:This is America.

00:00:40Marc:But that feeling of driving, driving for meditative reasons, driving just to get some fucking space.

00:00:48Marc:I used to do it a lot more, spend a lot of time driving across the country.

00:00:52Marc:I've driven across this country at least five or six times.

00:00:56Marc:I'm no driving hero, but there's something about driving that I just love.

00:01:01Marc:This is an experiment.

00:01:03Marc:in talking while I'm driving, because usually it's a meditative place for me.

00:01:08Marc:If I know I got to drive for two or three days straight, I'm thrilled.

00:01:12Marc:And I just haven't had the opportunity.

00:01:13Marc:And I think as I get older, I don't want to do it as much.

00:01:16Marc:But there was something about getting in the car and just having that space, that moving space that you can call your own, that moving space where it's just you in your car and in your head moving through the world.

00:01:29Marc:There was such a peace of mind to it.

00:01:31Marc:And the amazing thing is,

00:01:33Marc:I just remember that I can get into a car.

00:01:36Marc:I had this realization that there was something beautiful about it because you're grounded, yet you're completely out in your own world.

00:01:45Marc:You're completely out in the world, and you can just drift.

00:01:49Marc:But the reason you're grounded is that no matter how far out you get in your head while you're in that car, some part of you has to drive the car.

00:01:56Marc:And that's your spiritual grounding.

00:01:58Marc:I guess it's sort of a beatnik idea.

00:02:00Marc:And I guess I sort of bought into that when I was younger.

00:02:04Marc:The whole idea of just get in the car and go, man.

00:02:07Marc:Just do it.

00:02:09Marc:Just drive.

00:02:10Marc:Doesn't matter where you're going, man.

00:02:12Marc:Just get a bag of weed, get some good tunes, and drive your car.

00:02:18Marc:Dig it.

00:02:20Marc:Yeah, I used to be into that, but I've run away from places and I've driven to places and driving has been just a big part of my life.

00:02:28Marc:I got my driver's license when I was 15 years old.

00:02:31Marc:I lived in New Mexico.

00:02:32Marc:That's when you got it.

00:02:33Marc:So that's when it started.

00:02:34Marc:And in thinking back on it, I mean, you know that feeling where you're just driving for hours and you're blasting your music at decibels you don't even realize is ridiculous.

00:02:46Marc:And then you pull into a gas station to get out and piss or put gas in your car or get a big gulp.

00:02:52Marc:And you open that door and it just blares out.

00:02:55Marc:It's almost like you just arrived from another planet, the planet Iggy Pop.

00:03:01Marc:And everyone's looking at you for a minute, but then you share that common bond, that moment where you're like, yeah, we're just driving.

00:03:07Marc:That happens only at places that are out in the middle of nowhere, those type of truck stops and gas stations.

00:03:13Marc:But I've made some trips, man.

00:03:15Marc:I've left places in a fucking hurry.

00:03:18Marc:Right now I'm driving to Arrowhead Lake.

00:03:21Marc:I need the rest.

00:03:22Marc:I hope I get the rest.

00:03:24Marc:I don't know.

00:03:24Marc:I'm working at a level of exhaustion that I find a little disconcerting.

00:03:28Marc:I know how to do it.

00:03:29Marc:I know how to be this exhausted.

00:03:31Marc:I did morning radio for a couple years.

00:03:33Marc:I know what it's like to walk around feeling like you've just been in a long pillow fight and never quite waking up.

00:03:39Marc:But I've just been running around, getting the shows out to you guys, doing stand-up shows, not sleeping that well.

00:03:46Marc:So the idea that I'm going away to Lake Arrowhead to this MaxFunCon, this comedy nerd retreat, seemed pretty good.

00:03:58Marc:Feels good to be on the road.

00:03:59Marc:There's too many cars on the road.

00:04:00Marc:I used to love driving.

00:04:01Marc:It's great to drive in Los Angeles in the middle of the night.

00:04:04Marc:Because then you realize, like, goddammit, these highways were built for a reason.

00:04:07Marc:To have a great time.

00:04:08Marc:Look at all these idiots.

00:04:10Marc:Probably going to work.

00:04:11Marc:Why are they idiots?

00:04:12Marc:Because they're going to work, Mark.

00:04:13Marc:I don't know.

00:04:14Marc:Stop talking to yourself.

00:04:15Marc:You're on the podcast.

00:04:15Marc:Don't get all meta.

00:04:17Marc:they're just people doing what they have to do yeah but i want to drive man i want freedom i want freedom the american way to get into my car into my toyota camry and just rip it there have been some important trips man there were some important trips i remember when i left new york ran out of fucking new york left 1992

00:04:43Marc:I've been sober for about a year or so.

00:04:45Marc:Started drifting back into the world, freaking out, living on the Lower East Side in the middle of the open heroin market of the Lower East Side.

00:04:56Marc:Started drinking, started smoking the weed, started freaking out, decided I got to get the fuck out of here.

00:05:03Marc:I got to go to San Francisco and get my girlfriend back.

00:05:06Marc:So I remember I gave away my bed to the guy across the hall who was a realist painter, whatever that means.

00:05:13Marc:Packed up my car.

00:05:14Marc:Everything that didn't fit, I gave to the guys on the street.

00:05:16Marc:Used to sell shit on the street.

00:05:19Marc:Got in my car and headed for San Francisco from New York.

00:05:22Marc:Made it in three days.

00:05:24Marc:Bag of weed.

00:05:26Marc:Man, that last stretch from like Wyoming or some shit.

00:05:31Marc:Idaho, 22 hours to San Francisco.

00:05:33Marc:Show up on my ex-girlfriend's door.

00:05:35Marc:Wasted.

00:05:36Marc:Beat.

00:05:37Marc:Begging to be taken back.

00:05:41Marc:She took me back.

00:05:43Marc:I ended up marrying her that first time.

00:05:47Marc:That was a pretty important road trip.

00:05:49Marc:Saved my ass.

00:05:51Marc:Before that, there was the road trip of running away from Los Angeles.

00:05:55Marc:Same thing.

00:05:57Marc:After the whole Kennison episode, hearing voices in my head, wasted, paranoid, running from mythical beings that I was creating.

00:06:07Marc:I was on the run from a global, perhaps universal conspiracy that only I was one of the few chosen people that knew about.

00:06:15Marc:Got into that car, again, packed up everything that fit, the rest of it, gave away, hit the road,

00:06:22Marc:Got to Palm Springs, just outside Palm Springs.

00:06:25Marc:Saw one of the worst car accidents I ever saw in my life.

00:06:27Marc:Bodies all over the highway.

00:06:28Marc:I was like, okay, I get it.

00:06:30Marc:I'm supposed to pull over here.

00:06:32Marc:Pulled over in Palm Springs.

00:06:34Marc:Had an eight ball of Coke, six pack of beer, sitting in a hotel room.

00:06:38Marc:Lauren Green was on TV in Battlestar Galactica.

00:06:41Marc:I want nothing to do with any of them.

00:06:43Marc:Started walking around Palm Springs.

00:06:45Marc:Thought I was invisible.

00:06:47Marc:Next day, got back into my car, drove to my brother's in Tucson, said, I need help, dude.

00:06:53Marc:I'm a mess.

00:06:54Marc:I haven't slept in weeks.

00:06:55Marc:I'm hearing voices in my head.

00:06:57Marc:He was like, man, we're graduating, dude.

00:06:59Marc:This is our big weekend.

00:07:00Marc:I'm like, all right, different people.

00:07:03Marc:I can hang.

00:07:04Marc:Then made it back to New Mexico, got my passport renewed just in case I had to leave quickly, running from the universal conspiracy, and then got into rehab.

00:07:17Marc:That ended well.

00:07:20Marc:Now that I think about it, those are what you call geographicals.

00:07:26Marc:Geographical cures.

00:07:28Marc:Maybe if I just go somewhere else, everything will be okay.

00:07:33Marc:That's what that's called.

00:07:34Marc:And the problem with that is when you go somewhere else, you bring you with you.

00:07:41Marc:Sure, it's a new town, but that new town just got a new suburb.

00:07:45Marc:And that suburb is called Mark Maron.

00:07:47Marc:How's everything in Mark Maron land?

00:07:49Marc:Holy shit.

00:07:51Marc:How did we let this happen?

00:07:52Marc:We just let a relatively emotionally unstable, bad mental neighborhood move into our town.

00:07:59Marc:More baggage.

00:08:21Marc:More people.

00:08:23Marc:More drama.

00:08:25Marc:Until you have to leave to go to another town.

00:08:27Marc:And now all of a sudden your suburb's gotten a little bigger.

00:08:32Marc:But eventually, I don't know.

00:08:34Marc:Gotta clean it up.

00:08:37Marc:Get rid of the casinos.

00:08:39Marc:Get rid of that drug neighborhood in your town.

00:08:43Marc:You know, maybe move into a more reasonable place.

00:08:46Marc:Open a gym there.

00:08:49Marc:These are all things you can do in your town that is you.

00:08:55Marc:And use this stuff.

00:08:56Marc:You don't have to go all the time.

00:08:59Marc:Try to keep the bad element out.

00:09:01Marc:As fun as it may be.

00:09:03Marc:That's what you use the real cities for.

00:09:06Marc:But try to get the ones that are in your city and your mind out of you.

00:09:11Marc:God damn it, I love driving.

00:09:12Marc:I wish I could just cut loose some.

00:09:16Marc:As much as I can cut loose in a 2006 Camry.

00:09:23Marc:It's cruising, though.

00:09:24Marc:Smooth ride.

00:09:25Marc:Just got the tire fixed.

00:09:26Marc:Had a nail in it.

00:09:28Marc:I like flying, too.

00:09:30Marc:For some reason, I've decided that when I fly, I like looking at myself in the mirror of an airplane.

00:09:35Marc:Because I've decided that is the truest representation of me.

00:09:39Marc:Suspended in midair, traveling hundreds of miles an hour, with no set...

00:09:44Marc:compass point on a map completely disengaged from all that is my life floating like if the plane wasn't there like if i was wonder woman you could just see me standing in front of a mirror moving through the air very quickly i've decided that that is the best place to look at yourself

00:10:03Marc:As far as the car goes, like I'm already starting to feel that buzz, that buzz of just like, you know, moving.

00:10:09Marc:It's weird when you drive for hours, when you get out, don't you feel jangled and wild?

00:10:14Marc:Like that part of you that's been straining to pay attention to the road, though you think it's second nature, you're actually hurling down the pavement at 60 to 90 miles an hour in a piece of machinery that you're in charge of.

00:10:28Marc:That's got to tax you a little bit.

00:10:30Marc:But then when you get out of the car, you don't really think about that.

00:10:32Marc:You just feel kind of wasted a little bit.

00:10:36Marc:Man, it's starting to come clear to me that I'll do just about anything to get high other than do drugs or drink.

00:10:42Marc:I'm pretty creative.

00:10:45Marc:MaxFunCon.

00:10:47Marc:I have no idea what to expect.

00:10:49Marc:It's going to be spending a weekend with 200 fans.

00:10:53Marc:But they're not my fans.

00:10:54Marc:I'm sure some of them are.

00:10:56Marc:But not all of them.

00:10:58Marc:It'd be nice to hang out.

00:11:01Marc:I think I have to give Maria Bamford a ride home.

00:11:04Marc:I hope that I can turn the mics on for that.

00:11:13Music

00:11:20Marc:Oh, let's not die.

00:11:22Marc:I'm going to hit a nerd.

00:11:23Guest:Some guy... Did you have fun?

00:11:26Guest:Or a compadre.

00:11:28Guest:Yes, I had a lovely time.

00:11:30Guest:And in fact, now I feel like I want to stay longer.

00:11:33Marc:Do you want me to leave you here?

00:11:34Guest:No, no, no, no.

00:11:35Guest:But... Not that bad.

00:11:37Guest:But... I mean, I'm all packed.

00:11:39Guest:But I really enjoy... The people are really nice.

00:11:42Guest:And then it's really nice because I feel like, oh, they already know you on some level.

00:11:48Guest:And then you get to...

00:11:49Marc:Look at that guy.

00:11:50Marc:How you doing?

00:11:51Marc:Bye.

00:11:52Guest:We're podcasting.

00:11:53Guest:I hear that.

00:11:56Guest:Oh, no, but thank you so much.

00:11:58Guest:I'm pretty sure.

00:11:59Guest:Okay.

00:12:00Guest:Thank you.

00:12:01Guest:Thank you.

00:12:02Guest:We will.

00:12:03Guest:All right.

00:12:04Guest:Oh, we just got for some gummy worms for the road.

00:12:07Marc:Oh, good.

00:12:08Marc:Bye.

00:12:09Marc:Bye.

00:12:09Marc:I feel like we're the future right now.

00:12:11Guest:We are in the future.

00:12:12Guest:We're entertaining and driving at the same time.

00:12:17Marc:Here we go.

00:12:18Marc:Do you know how to get out of here?

00:12:20Marc:I think I do.

00:12:21Guest:I think I do.

00:12:22Guest:What's it going to be?

00:12:24Marc:So some guy comes up to me last night.

00:12:25Guest:Yes.

00:12:26Marc:You know, drunk, wearing silver pants.

00:12:28Guest:Okay.

00:12:30Marc:But a pleasant guy.

00:12:30Guest:Dressed in the country estate.

00:12:32Marc:Country estate, half country estate, half 80s disco.

00:12:35Guest:Excellent.

00:12:35Marc:And he goes, are you one of us?

00:12:39Marc:Yeah.

00:12:40Guest:Meaning a being?

00:12:42Marc:I'm not sure.

00:12:42Marc:I think like my nerd cred was being tested.

00:12:47Guest:Oh, okay.

00:12:50Marc:So I said, well, I'm a rogue.

00:12:52Marc:That's what I said.

00:12:53Marc:I'm a rogue.

00:12:55Marc:And he goes, what?

00:12:56Marc:I go, well, we're rogues comics.

00:12:58Marc:We just live in our own world.

00:13:01Guest:But we desperately want to be a part of everything, everything and yet not want to be a part of it.

00:13:06Guest:I mean, I think that I I could I think this was a conflagration of all my greatest wishes, which is feeling like I'm an important person, but then not feeling known at all.

00:13:17Marc:Right.

00:13:18Guest:Which I think is where I should start thinking of going to grad school.

00:13:23Guest:Because it is odd.

00:13:26Guest:Like, why did I get into show business?

00:13:28Guest:Because I had low self-esteem and I needed to feel needed.

00:13:31Guest:Now I feel needed, but then I feel kind of like people treat you differently because you're weird.

00:13:36Guest:But maybe that's all in my own head because I think it's just a new way of thinking of the same thing I've always thought of is that I'm weird.

00:13:42Guest:But nobody else thinks that.

00:13:44Guest:Maybe some do.

00:13:45Guest:But not these people.

00:13:46Guest:They were lovely.

00:13:46Guest:I got to hold somebody's baby.

00:13:48Guest:I was so lucky.

00:13:51Guest:That baby's name was Penny.

00:13:53Marc:Let's roll up that window.

00:13:54Marc:I'll roll down the back windows.

00:13:55Guest:But it's going to be too hot.

00:13:56Marc:No, I'll roll back here.

00:13:58Marc:I'll roll them down.

00:13:58Guest:Okay.

00:13:59Marc:It's going to be nice.

00:13:59Guest:Okay, it will be nice.

00:14:00Guest:Okay, all right.

00:14:01Guest:Did you?

00:14:02Marc:Yeah, the baby was sweet.

00:14:03Guest:That is the sweetest thing.

00:14:05Guest:That baby.

00:14:06Marc:Did you think you could own one, though?

00:14:07Marc:Road closed ahead.

00:14:09Guest:Oh, no, no, no.

00:14:09Marc:This can't be right.

00:14:10Guest:Oh, this can't be right.

00:14:11Guest:Should we focus before we get on the road?

00:14:13Marc:No, I think it's fun when you're not focused, and then we get into conversation, and then we're lost.

00:14:17Guest:Driving mostly around the mountains.

00:14:19Marc:If you went to grad school, though, because I used to have that fantasy.

00:14:21Marc:Like, I'm going to go to grad school, but what the fuck?

00:14:23Marc:What would I do?

00:14:24Guest:What would you do?

00:14:25Marc:You find out when you get there.

00:14:28Marc:What's your plan B, Maria?

00:14:29Marc:What do you have them in your head?

00:14:31Marc:It's like, I'm going to do this instead.

00:14:33Guest:Well, I'm going to take bookkeeping with my friend Judith at Pasadena City College, the September through December semester.

00:14:42Marc:Are you really?

00:14:42Guest:Yes.

00:14:43Guest:No, you're not.

00:14:43Guest:Yes, I am.

00:14:44Guest:And learning, because I want to learn more about my business so that I don't get so frustrated and start to cry at the accountants every year.

00:14:51Marc:So you're really going to go to take bookkeeping?

00:14:53Guest:Yeah, for reals.

00:14:53Guest:Yeah.

00:14:54Guest:So I, yeah.

00:14:55Guest:Because otherwise I feel frightened of it.

00:14:56Guest:And if I get to know it, maybe I will in fact enjoy it.

00:14:59Marc:What, like Excel spreadsheets and stuff?

00:15:01Guest:uh no quick books quack books okay and just the whole concept of it i really uh bookkeeping is not unlike acting to me where i just go what's happening like what's going on how do i feel these numbers yeah yeah because it makes so much sense to them they're like oh well this and this and i just uh i

00:15:22Guest:And I do have that innate feeling of like, I've got to do a really good job at everything.

00:15:27Guest:Yes.

00:15:27Guest:And so every year, the look on my accountant's face, no matter which accountant it is, because I've had about seven, is, oh, God.

00:15:36Marc:When you show up with your piles of receipts.

00:15:38Guest:No, no, no.

00:15:39Guest:I mean, I take excellent records.

00:15:41Guest:Yeah.

00:15:41Guest:Excellent records, but they always need something more.

00:15:43Guest:And they always seem disappointed.

00:15:44Guest:Maybe I'm putting that on them.

00:15:46Guest:Yeah.

00:15:46Guest:But what I need from an accountant is somebody going, great job.

00:15:51Yeah.

00:15:51Guest:and they are not doing that uh so of course i need to fall in love with myself that is what i am recently starting to do is to go wow you've got a nice face uh to myself you know what i said to myself the other day i actually said this i said you're ridiculous but then but then i said but you're no dummy

00:16:13Marc:Oh, that's lovely.

00:16:17Marc:I said it out loud, too.

00:16:19Guest:I couldn't believe it.

00:16:20Guest:Oh, that's nice.

00:16:22Marc:Because I had done something or thought something that was just ridiculous.

00:16:26Marc:Yeah, yeah.

00:16:26Marc:But it was smart at the same time.

00:16:28Guest:I like the bit you're saying about the cat.

00:16:30Guest:Like, you know, what if my cats were in a rock?

00:16:34Guest:That was really awesome.

00:16:36Marc:I'm so attached to those cats.

00:16:37Marc:And they so don't like me that much.

00:16:39Marc:So bookkeeping, you would do bookkeeping?

00:16:41Guest:Bookkeeping.

00:16:42Guest:And...

00:16:43Guest:I do enjoy, like when I did the open mic thing, and I really enjoy that being with people.

00:16:51Guest:I don't like teaching anything at all because I don't think people need to be taught.

00:16:54Guest:I think people know innately how to do things and you just do it over and over again.

00:16:57Guest:At least that's my philosophy.

00:17:00Marc:Have you ever been one of those people that if you do something once and you do it well, you're like, okay, I can do that.

00:17:05Marc:I'm done now.

00:17:06Marc:Like, I've done that with things.

00:17:07Marc:Like, I've really applied myself and then done it well to the point where I'm like, I could do this, but it might not last long, so I stopped doing it.

00:17:16Guest:Yeah, well, I used to play the violin.

00:17:18Guest:Really?

00:17:18Guest:I was very good at it because of a weird, you know, you start when you're three, so you're all of a sudden... You were playing violin at three?

00:17:24Guest:Three, yeah, yeah, because my parents... Forced you?

00:17:27Marc:Well... Did they take your hands to the strings?

00:17:30Marc:No.

00:17:30Guest:It was forced in a way that I was unconscious of what was happening until I was around 11.

00:17:37Guest:And then I said, oh, I think I'd like to quit.

00:17:40Guest:And they said, no, oh, no, you cannot.

00:17:44Guest:Because we have put in a lot of time and money.

00:17:47Guest:And wow, you're freakishly good at it.

00:17:50Guest:So why not continue?

00:17:52Guest:So I was good at it, but I did not enjoy it at all.

00:17:54Guest:So that's what I try to do is see if I enjoy something.

00:17:57Guest:I took dance classes a lot.

00:18:00Marc:What kind of dance?

00:18:00Guest:A ballroom and swing.

00:18:03Guest:Can you swing dance?

00:18:05Guest:Oh, yes, yes.

00:18:06Guest:Really good?

00:18:06Guest:No, I took it for two years, and I did enjoy it a lot, but then it became like, yeah, the competitive spirit of like, oh, well now, do I want to hang out and learn how to do everything?

00:18:18Marc:At the Brown Derby?

00:18:19Guest:Yeah, and I just thought, I just want to be with people.

00:18:22Guest:I don't really care what we're doing.

00:18:24Guest:So then I stopped doing it because I was like, I love to dance, but yeah, I have enough things that I'm very competitive and trying to be good at.

00:18:34Marc:But you never thought like, wow, I'm going to integrate violin and swing dancing into my stand-up routine.

00:18:39Guest:I did do violin in my stand-up for the first three, four years.

00:18:42Marc:Is there a record of that?

00:18:43Guest:Yes, yes, there is.

00:18:44Guest:Yes, there is.

00:18:44Guest:Is it available to people?

00:18:46Guest:Do people know this about you?

00:18:47Guest:Yes, yes, yes, yes.

00:18:48Marc:This is common knowledge.

00:18:49Guest:Yes, common knowledge.

00:18:50Guest:I think, well, I mean, for anyone who cares, I think.

00:18:52Guest:I had no idea about that.

00:18:53Guest:A lot of people are very interested.

00:18:55Guest:I had no idea.

00:18:57Guest:But, yeah, I do it because, you know, if people didn't like the jokes, they would go, but you are very good at this.

00:19:03Guest:Yeah.

00:19:04Guest:You know?

00:19:05Marc:It was a buffer?

00:19:06Guest:Yeah, exactly.

00:19:07Guest:Oh, yes, yes.

00:19:08Guest:And that's what the voices are, really, is sort of a buffer.

00:19:11Guest:You don't like my ideas?

00:19:12Guest:Isn't this kind of odd that I can do this?

00:19:16Guest:But, I mean, as Jimmy said, I only have four voices.

00:19:18Guest:But I think I told him that before, that I only have four voices, so I think he was telling it back to me.

00:19:23Guest:He was not being cruel about it.

00:19:25Marc:Yeah, Jimmy's trickery like that.

00:19:27Marc:Jimmy Pardo, he'll trick you, and he'll say things, and he'll be like, really?

00:19:30Marc:And he'll be like, no, come on.

00:19:33Yeah.

00:19:33Marc:He gives you that self-doubt, and then he takes it away from you.

00:19:36Marc:Well, the thing about your voice is, though, the interesting thing is that, again, I don't think we've sat down and had a real heart-to-heart like this.

00:19:43Marc:Yeah.

00:19:45Guest:While being recorded and driving.

00:19:47Marc:Sure.

00:19:47Marc:Well, you've got to keep distractions going.

00:19:49Guest:Yes.

00:19:49Marc:Because I think if we were just sitting still in a room, it would be uncomfortable.

00:19:52Guest:Yeah, no, it is.

00:19:52Marc:This way we feel like other things are happening.

00:19:54Guest:Yeah, no, it's fun.

00:19:55Marc:Oh, this is the little town.

00:19:57Guest:Yeah, yeah, Settleback Girl.

00:19:59Marc:I think that, did you, I went to the Pendleton outlet in there and bought four shirts.

00:20:03Guest:Oh, you did?

00:20:04Guest:Oh, yeah, those were real nice.

00:20:06Marc:They are?

00:20:07Marc:What I say about you and your voices is that all those voices seem to give a certain persona to, you know, very sort of deep and interesting dark things.

00:20:17Marc:So it's not like you're just doing voices to protect yourself.

00:20:20Guest:Yeah.

00:20:21Guest:Yeah.

00:20:22Guest:And it's all thoughts that I have about me.

00:20:24Guest:I mean, yeah.

00:20:26Guest:I mean, who cares?

00:20:26Guest:This is fun.

00:20:27Guest:It's fun to do voices.

00:20:29Marc:So what happens when you seem to be very able to process audiences that may not like you?

00:20:35Marc:And I don't.

00:20:36Guest:How does that happen?

00:20:38Marc:But I mean, like, you know, like when you talk about that experience you had with Jackie, what happened there?

00:20:44Oh,

00:20:44Guest:Oh, well, what happened?

00:20:46Guest:Jackie Cation.

00:20:47Guest:We were in Pennsylvania, a place called JR's, which is a lovely, beautiful club, great staff.

00:20:54Guest:They're very, and it is, the thing of their club is that it is a local neighborhood club.

00:21:02Guest:So it's very much, people come there all the time and support the local business, whether or not they know what's going to be performed.

00:21:10Guest:so they just come see the comedy yeah which is it's a comedy club generally speaking i'm gonna laugh yeah and which is great and um for whatever reason um yeah people were not i did not think it was going well at all yeah i i think i got some laughs but it seemed to be that whole feeling like oh what is this woman talking about yeah i feel kind of uncomfortable and frightened and it seems like she's maybe making fun of me

00:21:35Guest:without talking to me.

00:21:38Guest:And I was like, oh, this is awful.

00:21:40Guest:Because people were there for like their 50th, you know, their year of retirement from the Navy with their whole family.

00:21:46Marc:Well, you just know on a practical level, I'm like, I'm not their thing.

00:21:49Guest:No, yeah.

00:21:50Marc:I'm not built for this.

00:21:52Guest:And then what happened is that I had malted milk balls for dinner.

00:21:58Guest:This is what happened on Friday night.

00:22:01Guest:Because they gave me some malted... No, a comic gave me some malted milk balls.

00:22:04Guest:A mistake.

00:22:05Guest:I should not have accepted them.

00:22:06Guest:And then I was going to have dinner after the first show.

00:22:11Guest:Not the best idea.

00:22:11Guest:I should have eaten beforehand.

00:22:13Guest:It's a protein situation.

00:22:14Marc:So you're shaky.

00:22:15Guest:A little shaky.

00:22:16Guest:A little bit, if not very shaky.

00:22:18Okay.

00:22:18Guest:Did the first show.

00:22:19Guest:Did not go well.

00:22:21Guest:And I said, you know what, I think I'm going to go talk to the club owner, or club owner's wife who was there.

00:22:27Guest:And I said, you know, let's switch it up.

00:22:30Guest:Jackie will headline.

00:22:31Guest:I think she'll, you know, she's a very, she's just lovely.

00:22:36Guest:I mean, she's super funny and also very lovable.

00:22:41Marc:Can speak to the working people.

00:22:43Guest:Well, that is true, too.

00:22:44Guest:Like, people...

00:22:46Guest:And she's also very warm.

00:22:48Guest:I don't know if I'm a very warm character on stage.

00:22:50Guest:So anyways, blah, blah, blah.

00:22:52Guest:Yeah.

00:22:52Guest:And so, but I talked to the club owner's wife.

00:22:55Guest:Then the club owner's wife said in a very nice way, yeah, I don't know what's going on.

00:23:00Guest:I mean, you were, you seemed like you were funny when we saw this tape of you.

00:23:07Guest:Are you doing something different?

00:23:09Guest:Oh, no.

00:23:11Guest:And then I think I went into a little bit of like, well, 10 years ago I had a different act.

00:23:14Guest:And then I started to weep uncontrollably.

00:23:16Guest:And Jackie came in and she's like, she needs some chicken wings.

00:23:20Guest:She needs some chicken wings.

00:23:22Guest:And it was it was embarrassing.

00:23:26Guest:But oh, well.

00:23:27Guest:And so you switched it up.

00:23:30Guest:And it was great.

00:23:31Guest:It was great.

00:23:31Guest:You know, and I think the people had a much better time.

00:23:34Guest:And I did, too.

00:23:35Guest:You know, so it was it was a selfish choice for myself.

00:23:38Marc:Well, it's sort of interesting because I get into the same boat.

00:23:40Marc:I know I can play for almost every audience, but if you want to do what you do, you can pretty much know after a certain point that, like, you know, I'm not sure I'm these people's cup of tea.

00:23:50Marc:I think they're looking for something more general than what I have to offer.

00:23:53Guest:Right.

00:23:54Guest:And I know I read the... Oh, my God, look at where we are.

00:23:57Guest:Oh, it's wonderful.

00:23:58Guest:We're above the clouds.

00:23:59Guest:Above the clouds.

00:24:00Marc:How is that possible?

00:24:01Guest:Well, because we're angels.

00:24:05Marc:I knew it.

00:24:06Marc:We're still alive though, aren't we?

00:24:07Marc:We didn't crash and we're not in a fictional car.

00:24:11Guest:I hope not.

00:24:12Guest:If not, I wonder what reality is.

00:24:14Marc:I hope the clubs are good here.

00:24:15Marc:Maybe this is heaven and everyone will like us everywhere we go.

00:24:20Guest:Oh, my gosh.

00:24:21Guest:Look at that.

00:24:22Guest:Oh, Rim of the World High School, too.

00:24:24Marc:Rim of the World.

00:24:25Marc:They've noticed it.

00:24:25Marc:I'm not sure that's a good name for a high school.

00:24:29Guest:I know.

00:24:29Marc:I'm not sure.

00:24:31Marc:Okay.

00:24:32Marc:So, young Maria Bamford.

00:24:33Guest:Yes.

00:24:34Marc:Grows up in?

00:24:35Guest:Duluth, Minnesota.

00:24:37Guest:And, yeah.

00:24:38Marc:And, you know, you were popular.

00:24:41Marc:And let's go back to say, you're playing the violin, already a strike against you.

00:24:47Marc:Yeah, yeah.

00:24:47Marc:You're in junior high.

00:24:49Marc:You have blonde hair, freckles.

00:24:51Guest:No, not blonde hair.

00:24:52Guest:Brown hair.

00:24:52Guest:This is not natural.

00:24:54Guest:And I did not have freckles.

00:24:57Guest:Yeah, I think I was...

00:24:59Guest:I am not very far from where I am now, which is sort of... Emotionally or on all levels?

00:25:05Marc:On all levels.

00:25:06Marc:You have some more skills, I'd imagine.

00:25:08Guest:I think I had okay social skills.

00:25:12Guest:I think I was doing okay until about 16, and then I went in and out, in and out.

00:25:19Guest:But I think I was pretty good at talking to people or putting on a... Like my dad sent me to a Dale Carnegie training course on how to win friends and influence people.

00:25:29Guest:For 18 weeks, I went with some businessmen and women and...

00:25:35Guest:and it saved me it saved me yeah like i was super depressed was like sleeping all day through school and and i was like okay and i totally did all the things and suddenly like i was able to have friendships you know like where just had like a format of how to talk to people and because i had so much anxiety and so you know i would say hi mark

00:25:58Guest:Mark, it's really great to see you.

00:25:59Guest:You know, Mark, your set was so great last night, Mark.

00:26:03Guest:And then you listen to people, and then you tell the person back what they just said, but with a positive spin on it.

00:26:11Guest:And it was fantastic, I tell you.

00:26:15Guest:Like, immediate results.

00:26:18Marc:Really?

00:26:19Guest:Yeah.

00:26:19Guest:And then it all crashed down.

00:26:23Guest:I went to college, and people on the East Coast were like,

00:26:27Guest:Why are you talking like that to me?

00:26:29Guest:Why are you all... Just calm down.

00:26:32Guest:Oh, no.

00:26:33Marc:Where'd you go to college?

00:26:36Guest:I was at Bates College in Lewiston, Maine.

00:26:39Guest:And I think there was an air of hysteria with my Dale Carnegie techniques in college because I was very afraid.

00:26:46Guest:So I'm sure they were telling me to calm down for good reason.

00:26:49Marc:So you're smiling a lot and very wired.

00:26:53Guest:You're like, oh, very nice.

00:26:54Guest:So...

00:26:54Marc:So freshman year of college, did you have a meltdown?

00:26:57Guest:Well, I had with the, I had some of these unwanted thoughts syndrome where I had dark thoughts of, you know, unwanted sexual violence sort of stuff that started when I was about nine or 10 years old.

00:27:11Guest:And I,

00:27:11Marc:Is that a real syndrome?

00:27:12Guest:Yes, it is.

00:27:13Marc:It is a real type of OCD.

00:27:14Marc:How does it manifest itself?

00:27:16Guest:Well, what happens is you go, and a lot of people have it, but just have one weird thought.

00:27:21Marc:I'm trying to think if I have it.

00:27:23Guest:Okay, let's say this is a common one people have about they're with a postpartum depression thing.

00:27:32Guest:Sometimes they have their baby, and then they think of themselves hitting or killing the baby.

00:27:37Guest:Oh, God, yeah.

00:27:38Guest:And then they go, oh, my God, I can't.

00:27:40Guest:Oh, Jesus.

00:27:41Guest:Yeah.

00:27:41Guest:And either, I mean, what people normally do is they go, oh, geez, that's a crazy thought.

00:27:47Guest:And then they move on to something else.

00:27:49Guest:Somebody who's more agitated would go, oh, my God, I can never think of that again.

00:27:54Guest:Maybe that means something.

00:27:56Guest:Am I going to kill my baby?

00:27:57Guest:And then.

00:27:58Marc:They can't stop thinking of it.

00:27:59Guest:I can't stop thinking about it.

00:28:00Guest:The obsessive compulsive is like the obsession is I'm going to kill my baby.

00:28:04Guest:The compulsion is whatever you're doing to make yourself not think of it or like starting to avoid your baby.

00:28:12Guest:Like I would think of whatever the taboo thing for me was, which was like...

00:28:18Guest:You know, I was like killing my family, killing my friends, sexually assaulting people, kids, animals, that type of thing.

00:28:27Guest:And then I would start avoiding and avoiding and avoiding.

00:28:31Guest:So I would just be by myself, which is the safest place to be.

00:28:35Yeah.

00:28:35Guest:So I don't hurt anybody.

00:28:37Guest:And so that was that thing.

00:28:39Guest:But then at the same time, I think in response to that and other things, I also developed an eating disorder.

00:28:45Guest:I, you know, did that exciting thing, which I don't talk about it because it's like, well, who hasn't?

00:28:51Marc:Well, I'm one of the few men that has one, a slight one.

00:28:54Oh, I think.

00:28:55Guest:Lots of men had them.

00:28:57Guest:I have dated a number of gentlemen who have had manageable eating disorders.

00:29:02Marc:I have that.

00:29:03Marc:I have complete body dysmorphia.

00:29:04Marc:Right now, I feel like I'm obese.

00:29:07Marc:I'm sorry if my fat is touching you.

00:29:08Guest:Oh, God, that is so interesting.

00:29:13Guest:Have you read...

00:29:15Guest:Not Richard.

00:29:16Guest:Okay, Richard, very famous comedian, and he was on the... Richard Lewis.

00:29:21Marc:Oh, okay.

00:29:22Guest:He totally has that as well.

00:29:23Guest:He talks about it in one of the books, how he has an eating disorder where he binges on food, but chews it and spits it out.

00:29:29Marc:Oh, that's good.

00:29:30Guest:Yeah, yeah.

00:29:30Marc:I never did that.

00:29:31Guest:Yeah, no.

00:29:32Guest:I like the swallowing a lot.

00:29:33Guest:Yeah, yeah, no.

00:29:34Guest:What was your thing?

00:29:35Guest:Well, I think, and I have not binged or purged for 20 years now.

00:29:40Guest:I just got my... Your chip?

00:29:43Guest:Well, I don't know.

00:29:43Guest:I got a candle.

00:29:44Guest:Got a couple of flavored candles, interestingly enough.

00:29:48Guest:Don't eat them.

00:29:51Guest:I don't eat those candles.

00:29:53Guest:But, yeah, so I haven't done those behaviors, but my brain, you know, is still coogly-coo.

00:29:58Marc:I'm going to go over and let these people pass.

00:30:00Guest:Oh, yeah, they pass.

00:30:01Marc:No, I can't do it here.

00:30:02Marc:Okay, it's okay.

00:30:03Marc:um but uh well that's good but you still think about it oh sure because i still do it i had like five pieces of bacon this morning and like buffets i have a hard time with buffets yeah yeah because it's like i just know it's sitting there i have to be first in line and then i'm sitting there and i'm eating and i just know all that food is there so i feel like i've got to do my part and and i have to go up and get more and then uh it's it's i i

00:30:26Marc:I think what it really comes down to, and same with the, what is it, the bad thought syndrome?

00:30:31Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:30:31Marc:Like, I have one that I do now where I'm laying in bed, and I keep picturing myself.

00:30:35Marc:It's a vague, obsessive thought about being crushed by something.

00:30:43Marc:Oh, yes!

00:30:43Marc:Like, hard impact.

00:30:45Marc:It's not even, it's general.

00:30:47Marc:Like, I think that I'm going to be, you know, like hit with a hammer, or the house is going to fall in on me, or I'm going to, like, this mountain...

00:30:55Marc:I'm kind of happy it's that specific.

00:30:59Marc:Yeah.

00:30:59Marc:Because the odds are pretty, you know, whatever.

00:31:01Guest:They are significantly lower than being drowned.

00:31:07Guest:If you're being worried about being drowned, I mean, that would be more likely.

00:31:10Marc:But I've locked into that.

00:31:12Guest:i lock into that it's just part of obsession right no yeah yeah and if it weren't that it's like i find like i get over something and then i have a because it's a way to deal or my brain you know is locked in its neuron it's a control thing yeah to think oh well life is out of my control my you know a lot of things are out of my control here's something how do you deal with that i think that is right my control but is in fact not

00:31:37Guest:In fact, not at all.

00:31:38Marc:Well, that's what I talked about on stage last night with my boots.

00:31:40Marc:Like, I find that because I grew up in a home that had no emotional boundaries, obsession, it grounds you.

00:31:46Marc:At least you have that.

00:31:47Guest:Yeah, you have that.

00:31:48Guest:It's like, what's going on with you?

00:31:49Marc:Oh, I'm killing babies in my head.

00:31:51Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah, yes.

00:31:52Marc:What's going on with you?

00:31:54Guest:Or I'm trying not to kill babies.

00:31:55Guest:I mean, that's the real thing.

00:31:56Guest:Like, it's like, like trying.

00:32:00Guest:Oh, it's just awful.

00:32:01Marc:And that started to really take you over in college?

00:32:05Guest:No, it just kind of got worse and worse over time where I realized, like, oh, I was not having, you know, close friendships.

00:32:13Guest:You know, or, you know, like I love 12 step groups because there was a rigid, you know, sort of structure, you know, where you talk to people.

00:32:21Guest:There's certain ways you share.

00:32:23Guest:There's certain ways you talk.

00:32:24Guest:I mean, it's just like Dale Carnegie.

00:32:25Guest:Right.

00:32:25Guest:And then you have fellowship and it ends.

00:32:29Guest:Right.

00:32:29Guest:You know, like it's not like an unending sort of like, oh, oh, you're just we're just going to hang out.

00:32:35Guest:You know, like that sounds terrifying.

00:32:37Guest:Right.

00:32:37Marc:With tools, and you can call anybody at any time and tell them that you're trying not to kill babies in your head.

00:32:41Guest:Right, right.

00:32:42Guest:Or, yeah, whatever it is.

00:32:43Marc:I'm trying not to eat this pint of ice cream and throw up.

00:32:45Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly.

00:32:47Marc:No, I believe in 12-step groups, and I can't stand people that condescend to them because they don't understand them.

00:32:52Marc:I believe that people don't have whatever the bug is that you're treating that they can't really understand.

00:32:58Marc:They just think you're, like, weird.

00:32:59Guest:Yeah.

00:33:00Guest:Yeah.

00:33:00Guest:I mean, I think it's a social construct that's developed out of a need, you know, because we don't have we don't have very much community anymore in certain ways.

00:33:09Guest:You know, everyone's kind of isolated.

00:33:11Guest:We're very success oriented in our society.

00:33:13Marc:And it's a broad set of principles to try to rewire your brain.

00:33:17Guest:Yeah.

00:33:17Marc:So did you spin out in college?

00:33:19Marc:Like, did you have to leave?

00:33:19Guest:Yes, I did.

00:33:20Guest:I did spin out.

00:33:21Guest:I didn't.

00:33:22Guest:I called a suicide hotline after I, you know, was totally, you know, could not stop, you know, eating.

00:33:30Guest:Like I stayed in my dorm room by myself.

00:33:33Marc:What was your choice of food?

00:33:35Guest:I don't even remember.

00:33:36Guest:Was it sugary stuff?

00:33:36Guest:Yeah, it was just sugary stuff.

00:33:37Guest:And I just, yeah, it was, you know, it's not pleasurable at all.

00:33:41Guest:Like it's not fun.

00:33:42Guest:And so I called the suicide hotline.

00:33:44Guest:They gave me a number for the OA, which is a thing.

00:33:49Guest:And then...

00:33:50Guest:Oh, hey.

00:33:53Marc:Yeah.

00:33:53Guest:And just the idea that there were people out there helped me immediately.

00:33:58Guest:I stopped doing it.

00:34:01Guest:It was really odd.

00:34:03Guest:It was very odd.

00:34:04Guest:It just stopped.

00:34:06Guest:And then I ended up, because I was very... Those groups don't really give you...

00:34:13Marc:they don't give you any sort of plan or nutritionist or anything you know because it's all is there some high level oa like gray scale where you can measure your food because that sounds very appealing to me high level no they do like no no i know only how i i did i did weight watchers once to lose 20 pounds after i quit smoking i got up to like 200 which is very uncomfortable for me yeah no sure sure

00:34:34Marc:So I started going to Weight Watchers meeting and the resentment that they looked at me like, you know, all these, you know, fat women and very heavy people.

00:34:43Marc:You know, I'm just trying to trim up a little bit.

00:34:44Marc:And I felt guilty.

00:34:46Marc:Like I was actually going to the meetings.

00:34:47Marc:I felt guilty.

00:34:48Marc:And I was so proud of myself because that is such a control thing to control your eating, like to measure stuff.

00:34:54Marc:It becomes your whole life.

00:34:55Marc:It was like a belief system.

00:34:56Marc:How many points in this?

00:34:57Guest:Yeah.

00:34:58Guest:And I'm not, I can't do that.

00:35:00Guest:You know, like, cause that was my whole thing.

00:35:01Guest:It was like control.

00:35:02Guest:So I, my thing is just like, or my, my thing, you know, was just like three meals a day and, and, uh, let the anxiety peak, you know, like,

00:35:13Guest:Yeah, no throwing up, no exercise bulimia, no, like, oh, I ate too much, I'm going to go walk.

00:35:19Guest:You know, like, ah!

00:35:22Guest:You know, like, yeah.

00:35:23Marc:My mom does that.

00:35:25Guest:Yeah, yeah.

00:35:25Marc:She's going nuts right now.

00:35:26Marc:She hurt her leg, and she can't do her three Pilates classes a day.

00:35:30Guest:I love that message.

00:35:31Guest:I mean, that was so disturbing and delightful.

00:35:34Guest:Like, my mom has, was sort of the...

00:35:39Guest:I mean, I don't know.

00:35:40Guest:I think I have a definite propensity to addiction.

00:35:43Guest:But my mom was very much into dieting and stuff and would always look at our bodies, you know, like, oh.

00:35:49Guest:And it was so funny.

00:35:50Guest:The past couple of years, I've actually been having a lot of hard time with the obsession again, I think, with getting older and stuff.

00:35:57Guest:Or just more responsibilities.

00:35:59Yeah.

00:36:00Guest:uh, work or something.

00:36:01Guest:And so I've started being obsessed again with, uh, body image stuff.

00:36:05Guest:And so I went to go get some help again.

00:36:07Guest:I went to this, um, uh, you know, eating disorders, uh, based, uh, counselor.

00:36:12Guest:And, uh, and so that's, but as I was telling my mom and she goes, well, honey, you looked for, I mean, are you, have you gained?

00:36:21Guest:I mean, it was like, Oh wow.

00:36:22Guest:All right.

00:36:23Guest:Yeah.

00:36:24Yeah.

00:36:24Marc:Just like you're thin, how could you be complaining?

00:36:27Marc:Everything seems great.

00:36:29Marc:Oh, yeah.

00:36:30Marc:So you think your primary problem is anxiety and obsession?

00:36:34Marc:I don't know.

00:36:35Guest:I mean, yeah, I think... Yeah, for sure, for sure.

00:36:38Guest:Yeah, I think I have...

00:36:39Guest:I have anxiety, and I think it helps, though, to be—I'm going to try to get a roommate, because I think— I have one.

00:36:46Guest:Oh, yeah, yeah, I know, I know, and I think that's great, because it does help me, you know, like even just being at this Max Funk, I was like, oh, there's people around, and like, kind of, yeah, so—

00:36:57Guest:But I think it is genetic because I have an aunt who is bulimic.

00:37:02Guest:I've got an aunt who is manic depressive.

00:37:05Guest:Right.

00:37:06Guest:It's not my fault.

00:37:08Guest:No, of course not.

00:37:09Marc:And it's not necessarily trauma-based.

00:37:11Guest:Yeah, yeah.

00:37:12Marc:It's like it just happens.

00:37:13Marc:The brain is wired a certain way.

00:37:15Guest:Yeah, it's exciting.

00:37:16Marc:It is very exciting not to know whether you'll actually fix yourself in this lifetime.

00:37:22Marc:The challenge to be a good me...

00:37:24Marc:Oh, it never ends.

00:37:26Marc:But I get anxiety to the point where it took me a long time to realize that my issue, because my father claims to be manic depressive.

00:37:34Guest:Oh, yeah.

00:37:35Guest:Oh, and I really enjoyed your joke about that.

00:37:36Guest:That was delightful.

00:37:37Guest:Thank you very much.

00:37:38Guest:Yes, yes, yes.

00:37:39Marc:Sometimes I doubt him, but whatever.

00:37:42Marc:Narcissism, manic depression, who knows?

00:37:43Guest:Yeah.

00:37:44Marc:But I thought I was depressed and it took me a long time, like up until like a few years ago that I realized that my problem was anxiety.

00:37:52Marc:Because what happens with anxiety and panic, like I'm a dread guy.

00:37:55Marc:I used to get locked in.

00:37:56Marc:It's like, oh my God, what if, how come, when am I going to, oh, I got to travel and then, oh God.

00:38:00Marc:And like when you have that much panic and anxiety, you go into a paralysis.

00:38:04Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:38:05Marc:That feels like depression.

00:38:06Marc:Yeah.

00:38:07Marc:I don't think it's categorically depression.

00:38:08Marc:I just think it's exhaustion from anxiety.

00:38:12Yeah.

00:38:12Guest:Yeah, yeah.

00:38:13Guest:Yeah, like, I, yeah, I could totally relate with that.

00:38:16Guest:Like, yeah, I can't leave the house because I'm somehow filthy.

00:38:19Guest:Like, what?

00:38:20Guest:Like, my friend is a, my good friend is a therapist.

00:38:23Guest:So now she'll kind of flood me with, she goes, Maria, you're filthy.

00:38:26Guest:Should you be going out today?

00:38:27Guest:And I'll be like, Marquetta.

00:38:29Guest:And she has, she's from Eastern Europe.

00:38:30Guest:So it's delightful.

00:38:31Guest:She has a nice, you're filthy, Maria.

00:38:35Guest:You're so disgusting.

00:38:37Guest:Why are you out today?

00:38:38Guest:But it's great because it's like, it's like, I am out.

00:38:42Guest:I'm out and about.

00:38:45Guest:And I'm filthy.

00:38:46Guest:I'm filthy and disgusting.

00:38:48Guest:Yeah.

00:38:48Guest:Which my favorite movie is Ratatouille.

00:38:50Guest:Because it's like the message of that.

00:38:52Guest:No matter how much people are disgusted by you, you've got to follow your dreams.

00:38:56Marc:Yeah.

00:38:56Marc:Well, that's what we're doing.

00:38:59Marc:I just always find that you must baffle people sometimes.

00:39:06Marc:Did you start as an actress, though?

00:39:08Guest:Yeah, because I started doing... I never really enjoyed acting that much, but I always liked doing speeches in high school, so that's what I did.

00:39:15Guest:I liked doing speeches.

00:39:16Guest:And then I heard about stand-up, and I was like... How long have you been doing it?

00:39:20Guest:I think it'll be about 18 years.

00:39:23Marc:Oh, man.

00:39:23Marc:It's amazing, isn't it?

00:39:25Guest:But I don't know... I mean, yeah, against, like...

00:39:28Guest:caveat is that you know i did a lot of performance art venues and one person shows like i don't know i did not start out in the clubs you know right so i i i you know how long i've been to stand up i don't know really what were your uh i mean i i could see but you you did it like that was what that was pre alternative comedy venues there was there was places you could go to do character driven long form performances yeah yeah yeah

00:39:55Marc:And what were they about?

00:39:57Guest:What were the first ones about?

00:39:59Guest:Yeah, it's the same stuff I do now.

00:40:01Guest:Oh, but you didn't have the framework?

00:40:02Guest:Yeah, yeah, I just do like a long, you know, five-minute character thing about my mother.

00:40:07Marc:And you get along with everybody?

00:40:09Guest:Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:40:10Guest:Your sister, too?

00:40:11Guest:My sister, too, although I think sometimes she gets irritated, you know, because the character really does not match her.

00:40:18Guest:Like, it's an element of her, but it's not...

00:40:21Marc:You make it a little broader.

00:40:23Guest:Yeah, it's very broad, and she's a very, I mean, she's just a super lovely, supportive person, and then, but she does have an edge, I mean, she does have an edge, but it isn't, yeah, like, I do, like, I go, gosh, my dad opened for me once, and he did a joke about me, saying, you know, I asked, ooh, could I get a ride from the airport, and she says,

00:40:50Guest:I can't do that.

00:40:51Guest:And I was like, Dad, I never did that.

00:40:53Guest:And he said, oh, well, turnabout is fair play.

00:40:58Guest:Oh, does it have to be true?

00:41:01Marc:Your dad opened for you?

00:41:03Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:41:04Guest:I did a motorcycle rally in my hometown.

00:41:08Guest:Whoa, whoa, whoa.

00:41:08Guest:When was this?

00:41:09Guest:This was like four years ago.

00:41:11Guest:This guy, or maybe three, this guy was a big fan.

00:41:14Guest:And I was like, but, you know, I was like, oh, I don't think...

00:41:18Marc:Bikers?

00:41:18Guest:Yeah, I don't think they're going to enjoy it.

00:41:20Guest:But it was kind of a goofy—it was a Minnesota motorcycle rally, so it was not boozing or anything.

00:41:25Guest:Right.

00:41:26Marc:Girls taking their shirts off.

00:41:27Guest:No, not at all.

00:41:28Guest:Not at all.

00:41:29Guest:It was very family-friendly and all that stuff.

00:41:32Guest:But I said, well, I'll do it if my dad can open for me.

00:41:35Guest:And I paid my dad, and he did 10 minutes of delightful material that I don't think—

00:41:41Marc:Had he ever done that before?

00:41:42Guest:No, no.

00:41:43Guest:And he practiced.

00:41:45Guest:I mean, it was a really very loving thing, you know, because he took a bullet.

00:41:51Guest:I mean, he bombed.

00:41:53Guest:And it was, yeah.

00:41:55Marc:Did he feel it?

00:41:56Guest:Did he say it?

00:41:56Guest:Oh, no, no, no.

00:41:57Guest:I think he was all right.

00:41:58Guest:He's done some, you know, he was just trying to do it for me.

00:42:01Marc:Well, I have to assume he took the Dale Carnegie course as well.

00:42:03Guest:Well, exactly.

00:42:04Guest:He did take the Dale Carnegie course.

00:42:06Marc:So he tanks, your dad tanks, and brings you up.

00:42:09Guest:Yeah, and yeah, it was very...

00:42:11Marc:Well, I think the thing about the sister and how people get sensitive, I think when you live the life that we live, until family members accept it, it's hard not to interpret what they say is passive aggressive.

00:42:22Marc:Because, for me anyways, because they're like, how's that comedy thing?

00:42:27Marc:They think it's a phase until you end up on television.

00:42:30Marc:Then all of a sudden it's like, oh, maybe.

00:42:32Guest:Well, I think, yeah.

00:42:35Guest:And when I think that's just, I mean, part of it is psychologically like, oh, this is what I've always wanted.

00:42:39Guest:So my family knows that I'm, you know, I am lovable or something like if I'm on television, that means I'm definitely okay.

00:42:47Guest:You know, which is... It could be quite the opposite.

00:42:50Guest:Exactly.

00:42:51Guest:And also like, it's such a trap because then, well, I got to keep being on television if I'm going to maintain being an okay person and...

00:43:00Guest:yeah feed it feed the whole feed the whole you know and so as i get older i go uh yeah i'm gonna have to keep getting things you know tightened or botox like oh i i don't know if i want to keep i don't know if i want to feel any kind of pressure like that have you done any of that no no i haven't but i i mean i dyed my hair blonde so i play the game oh i play it um but yeah what kind of business is your dad in

00:43:26Guest:He's a dermatologist.

00:43:28Guest:Really?

00:43:28Guest:Yeah.

00:43:28Guest:And he got his face resurfaced.

00:43:31Guest:Because he can get it all done for free.

00:43:32Marc:Can he do it himself?

00:43:33Guest:Like just in a mirror with the tools?

00:43:35Guest:No.

00:43:35Marc:My dad was a surgeon before he messed everything up.

00:43:38Marc:And he actually assisted on his own back surgery.

00:43:41Marc:He got local anesthetic and a mirror set up.

00:43:44Guest:Oh, my God.

00:43:46Guest:That is nuts.

00:43:47Guest:Doctors are nuts.

00:43:49Guest:So funny.

00:43:50Guest:dermatologist did he help you out did you have skin problems no my sister got the bad skin he had the bad skin your dad did my dad did when he was growing you know my mom said her first memory of him was he was wearing a red shirt and she said oh oh it doesn't and with that act i mean it's just not the right color to wear um but

00:44:13Marc:Duluth, Minnesota.

00:44:15Guest:Yeah.

00:44:16Marc:So how's the romantic world for you, Maria?

00:44:18Guest:Well, I'm on eHarmony, and I get five matches a day.

00:44:23Guest:Do you?

00:44:25Marc:You're really doing it?

00:44:26Guest:Oh, yeah, yeah, totally, totally.

00:44:27Marc:And you've done it for a while?

00:44:28Guest:I've done it, I mean, I guess I've been on it like two months, because I had a breakup about seven months ago, and it was pretty hard.

00:44:37Guest:It was real sad.

00:44:38Marc:Was that the Australian guy?

00:44:39Guest:No, no, no, no.

00:44:40Guest:That was... I remember meeting one guy.

00:44:41Guest:Oh, sorry.

00:44:42Marc:I haven't been keeping up.

00:44:43Marc:You haven't been... I'm not in the loop.

00:44:45Guest:No, listen.

00:44:47Guest:It's... Yeah, no.

00:44:50Guest:I think I still have looked at a relationship as a self-esteem building thing.

00:44:54Guest:And it's like, no...

00:44:56Guest:I've got to really be on board with myself and my life and not try to invite anybody into it.

00:45:03Guest:And also, like, I've got to really like and respect the person.

00:45:09Guest:Like, I think, I mean, I've liked my boyfriend, but, like, gone, oh, I really respect how they think about things.

00:45:17Guest:Like, rather than going into, I think I've gone in going, oh,

00:45:20Guest:i'm going to help which is horrible i mean number one nobody wants to be helped yeah and i'm sure maybe they went in thinking they were going to help me you know right no no no you want to be with somebody you admire you know like you go oh this person is really neat and and a wonderful person not like uh i think i'm gonna really that you know they're neat they're fine but that one thing i'm gonna tell teach them a thing or two about a thing or two right and it's like oh i i

00:45:46Marc:And that's a control thing too.

00:45:47Guest:Yeah, totally controlling and totally manipulative and also a put down to the person.

00:45:56Marc:I'm so concerned that I don't know how to do it.

00:45:58Marc:I've been married twice.

00:46:00Marc:I've been dating, but I haven't meant it in a way because I'm emotionally kind of unavailable.

00:46:07Marc:But I don't know how to do it.

00:46:09Marc:It seems almost impossible.

00:46:10Marc:In some ways, I'm very relieved not to have somebody in the house all the time.

00:46:14Marc:Because I think if you're in relation to somebody, it's hard not to use them to judge you.

00:46:19Marc:Do you know what I'm saying?

00:46:21Marc:Does that make sense?

00:46:22Marc:Like you assume that they're thinking something and they're going to manifest your worst fears and then you blame them for something that's not really happening.

00:46:28Marc:I don't know if that's your story, but I...

00:46:30Guest:Yeah, yeah.

00:46:31Guest:Like, my dad, or at least the thing that I think is, like, my dad is super depressed and kind of grumpy a lot.

00:46:36Guest:Yeah.

00:46:36Guest:And so that feels very comfortable.

00:46:38Guest:You know, somebody who's kind of, you know, grumpy, pissed off, and you gotta kind of, you know, and, but then that's, you know, it's like, but my dad is, you know, can also be super loving and stuff, but

00:46:50Marc:But I think that's why we come from similar things, because then you're in that weird position to entertain the sad dad.

00:46:55Guest:Yeah, sad dad and make it... Oh, yay, look at... Come on, daddy, smile.

00:47:00Marc:Oh, and then that's what we do.

00:47:02Guest:Well, and I got into another... I was in this coleslaw one, this SLA, because I would...

00:47:09Marc:Oh, tell me about that one because I think I need to go to that one.

00:47:12Guest:It's awesome.

00:47:13Guest:Is it?

00:47:13Guest:I mean, I felt really ashamed going there.

00:47:16Guest:Like, I felt like, oh, these people are creepy.

00:47:19Marc:The sex addicts.

00:47:20Marc:But it's hard to understand the love addict part of it.

00:47:23Guest:Well, the sex addict people, though, I found like I could totally relate with them because it's the whole...

00:47:27Guest:It's the whole, I mean, sex, love, whatever, it's trying to get from somebody, like it's manipulating something so that you don't actually have intimacy.

00:47:36Guest:Right.

00:47:36Guest:Like actually have the vulnerability of this is who I am.

00:47:39Guest:It's like, well, I'm going to focus on us getting married or this, you know, whatever it is.

00:47:46Marc:Or what I think you should be.

00:47:47Guest:Yeah.

00:47:47Marc:And then you just feed on that without, you kind of blast through all the boundaries and there's no real intimacy.

00:47:54Marc:Right.

00:47:54Guest:Yeah, yeah.

00:47:56Guest:Like, I do this, like... It's so complicated sometimes.

00:47:59Guest:It is.

00:47:59Guest:But maybe it isn't, I mean... Like, this last time, I'm really proud of myself because last time I did, like, a... Like, I have, like, a dating plan where it's, like, meet somebody once a week, go for coffee.

00:48:10Guest:You know, like, if you start dating somebody, like, go on six dates in six weeks rather than, you know, and, you know, like...

00:48:19Marc:Really?

00:48:20Guest:Yes.

00:48:20Marc:Like one day?

00:48:21Guest:Yeah, a week.

00:48:22Guest:Right.

00:48:23Marc:With different people?

00:48:25Guest:With different people, too.

00:48:26Guest:Like, date other people at the same time.

00:48:27Guest:And, like, for me, just because it's for me, like, just, like, no physical intimacy until, like, until, like, I've decided, oh, I'm just going to date this person for a while.

00:48:37Guest:Because, like, I just know I connect.

00:48:40Guest:You know, like, all of a sudden, my brain goes out the window of, like, oh, do I even like this person?

00:48:45Marc:You mean once you physically get intimate, it's like you're attached?

00:48:48Marc:Yeah.

00:48:48Guest:Well, yeah.

00:48:48Guest:And I can't betray them.

00:48:50Guest:Right.

00:48:50Guest:You know, and it's like betrayal.

00:48:51Guest:Like I remember, well, this last guy who I dated, who's, you know, yeah, lovely guy in a lot of ways.

00:48:58Guest:And then anyways, he said on like our fourth, you know, he said, well, are you going to, are you going to, you're going to leave me.

00:49:06Guest:You're going to leave me once you find out certain things about me.

00:49:08Guest:Fourth date?

00:49:09Guest:yeah i think like fourth date he said you're gonna leave me if you find out certain things about you told me some things about him and i was like i felt so much like well i don't want to leave you but that is frightening like that is but i don't want like yeah yeah i don't want to leave you but it's like yeah you got to leave him you know like it's okay to say hey i accept you and stuff but uh you know if

00:49:32Marc:If you have a history of that.

00:49:34Guest:And threatening somebody, like saying, oh, you're going to be the person who's going to do this again to me.

00:49:39Guest:It's like, and that is a real trigger for me.

00:49:41Guest:Like, no, I won't.

00:49:43Marc:Right.

00:49:43Guest:I'm going to be the one lady who really loves you.

00:49:47Guest:Oh, so then you're in.

00:49:48Guest:Yeah, yeah.

00:49:49Guest:And also I'm this special, special lady.

00:49:51Guest:Right.

00:49:52Guest:It's all that specialness.

00:49:55Marc:Oh, my God.

00:49:55Marc:So that's almost like you volunteer to be hostage.

00:49:58Yeah.

00:49:58Guest:Yeah, yeah.

00:50:00Guest:And also, I mean, maybe it's a little self-esteem ego thing where it's like, oh, I'm going to be this one person, you know.

00:50:07Guest:Right.

00:50:07Marc:It's also a challenge not to.

00:50:10Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:50:11Guest:But at the same time, as soon as that person said that, I didn't respect them.

00:50:15Guest:Like, I was like, that's not cool.

00:50:17Guest:Like.

00:50:18Guest:And that, like, that's what somebody told me about relationships.

00:50:22Marc:Once the respect goes.

00:50:23Guest:Yeah, like, if a friend said something like that to me, I'd be like, nope, like, that's not okay.

00:50:31Guest:But, and that's what somebody I've heard a bunch of times is like, expect no more from a relationship than you would of a friend and no less of a friend.

00:50:41Right.

00:50:41Marc:Sometimes I feel like I'm so fucked up with this stuff that I'm never going to unfuck myself.

00:50:46Guest:But the nice thing is that it's a wonderful journey.

00:50:49Guest:Doesn't it get better and better, though?

00:50:50Marc:Yeah, I feel better about myself.

00:50:52Guest:Yeah!

00:50:53Marc:But I'm still afraid of relationships a little bit.

00:50:56Marc:I get very afraid.

00:50:58Marc:Because you brought up something interesting that when you go to these programs, at first you feel like there's some element that you're a victim or that you're in a bad place or that you lost somehow.

00:51:08Marc:But you forget that sometimes we're the ones that are like the predator thing that you talked about, that we're the ones that are out there trying to control other people and trying to make them what we want them to be.

00:51:20Guest:Yeah, like there's an... I mean, I just always feel... Like, even this last person who... Or, I mean... Or, you know, like I had a relationship where a person was... I was frightened.

00:51:33Guest:I started to get frightened.

00:51:34Guest:Of him.

00:51:35Guest:Of him.

00:51:35Guest:And friends and family said, Hey, wow, what's... Are you okay?

00:51:41Guest:And stuff like that.

00:51:42Guest:So then...

00:51:43Guest:But in that, you know, the element, you know, of control is like, yeah, I think I kept thinking, oh, well, I want to have, I'm going to fix it, which is a totally, like, I'm going to either do the right thing so the person won't have, get enraged anymore, which was... He was a rager?

00:52:04Guest:Yeah, yeah, where I couldn't do the right thing.

00:52:07Guest:I couldn't figure out all the things that I needed to do so it wouldn't happen again.

00:52:13Guest:but it would always keep happening.

00:52:15Guest:And then it was like, well, you know what?

00:52:20Guest:Uh, and I, I learned to do, I got better with it where I wouldn't react as much to it.

00:52:26Guest:And I would just kind of be like, Oh, this person is, you tried to detach.

00:52:29Guest:Yeah.

00:52:30Guest:Detach with love, you know, going like a, you know, just repeating back what they said and saying, I hear this is what you're saying.

00:52:35Guest:And, and, but then it is so upsetting over time that it's like, uh,

00:52:40Guest:You know, I got to let him go because I'm feeling so bad.

00:52:46Guest:But also to say that that person is wonderful, like has incredibly wonderful qualities.

00:52:55Guest:But I felt like I wasn't helping anymore.

00:52:57Marc:Like I was starting to... And also you felt probably... It's emotional abuse.

00:53:01Guest:Yeah, yeah.

00:53:02Marc:And you start to lose touch with yourself.

00:53:03Guest:Lose touch with yourself and...

00:53:05Guest:And also I felt like my own possibility of me getting abused, you know, me going, you know, and it's like, oh, God, you know, like I. Yeah.

00:53:17Guest:So and I think some element of it was like that whole idea of I'm going to help somebody.

00:53:22Marc:Well, that's my problem.

00:53:23Marc:I was the guy that would walk into an uncontrollable rage and not stop until my ex-wife was crying.

00:53:31Marc:And then I'd feel bad.

00:53:33Marc:And then I'd apologize.

00:53:34Marc:But it doesn't go away after a certain point in time.

00:53:36Guest:It doesn't go away.

00:53:37Guest:And for what I... I mean, I've read a bunch of books on it now.

00:53:40Marc:Oh, maybe you can help me.

00:53:41Guest:Well, yeah.

00:53:41Guest:My mom is a... It works for a domestic violence center.

00:53:45Guest:And, you know, domestic... I think...

00:53:50Guest:What I've read is that my boyfriend at the time, his dad had been physically abused.

00:53:58Guest:He had seen physical abuse and I think on some level equating emotional or physical abuse with intimacy.

00:54:05Guest:Also, they said, you know, so that if I love this person on a subconscious level, this is what's going to go down and they can handle my rage, you know, if they love me.

00:54:18Guest:And then, you know, it's physically abusive.

00:54:21Guest:One occasion, one occasion.

00:54:23Marc:And that was it?

00:54:24Guest:No, no, no, it wasn't actually, which is super sad.

00:54:27Guest:You know, I was like, and actually then it was very classic violence where it was like, denied that he did it.

00:54:35Guest:Said, oh, that wasn't me.

00:54:36Guest:I was like, well...

00:54:38Guest:Oh, you know, that whole, like, gaslighting, like, oh, you're crazy.

00:54:42Guest:You know, like, and I was like, oh, wow, okay.

00:54:45Guest:Yeah.

00:54:45Marc:And... Okay, quietly.

00:54:46Marc:Okay, I can't even go in the other room.

00:54:48Guest:No, no, but I didn't get that because you love the person.

00:54:52Guest:Right.

00:54:52Guest:You know, you love the person and you do respect them on a lot of levels.

00:54:56Guest:So...

00:54:57Guest:Um, but so then the other thing I heard is the person will not get better.

00:55:03Guest:Like, unless they really, they really make an effort to like go through, um, and, and women are abusers too.

00:55:10Guest:So this isn't, this isn't, uh, just men, but, um, to go through some, uh, thing of like, and, uh, of, uh, and I, I,

00:55:19Guest:We did.

00:55:20Guest:We went to we went to Recovering Couples Anonymous.

00:55:23Guest:Oh, boy.

00:55:23Guest:So we the great thing from that was that when it started to happen, we could call another couple.

00:55:30Guest:We had some tools.

00:55:31Marc:Yeah, you could stop it before it because before it got bad because you could feel when it would lock in.

00:55:35Guest:that was the other thing is that the person thinks they're doing the right thing.

00:55:38Guest:Like that was the thing that always surprised me.

00:55:41Marc:Because of denial.

00:55:42Marc:They think they're doing the right thing because they have no choice but to think of it other way or they'd have to really see themselves.

00:55:47Guest:Right, right.

00:55:48Guest:And he would say the same thing like, I lost control.

00:55:52Marc:Right.

00:55:53Guest:And it was interesting to go,

00:55:54Guest:No, the person doesn't lose control because if they were really lost control, they'd be putting it all towards all directions, towards their job, towards everybody.

00:56:03Guest:They're focusing it really well at you.

00:56:06Guest:You know, like at a safe space for them to rage at.

00:56:11Guest:And it gets results.

00:56:13Guest:Like when my boyfriend would get really enraged.

00:56:16Guest:Oh, it's just painful.

00:56:17Guest:it gets results.

00:56:18Guest:Like I was like, you do whatever you need to do.

00:56:21Guest:I'll do whatever you say.

00:56:23Guest:So this will stop.

00:56:24Guest:I mean, it's effective.

00:56:25Marc:So that becomes your relationship.

00:56:27Guest:Yeah.

00:56:28Guest:Yeah, totally.

00:56:29Guest:I mean, there's a reason it works.

00:56:31Guest:So it's like,

00:56:32Guest:Of course you'd keep, you know, doing it.

00:56:34Guest:And, and, um, I would see it change over on his face.

00:56:39Guest:Like I would go like, okay, it's on.

00:56:42Guest:Like some, and it would come out of anywhere or it felt like to me it would come out of anywhere.

00:56:47Guest:But you know, again, nobody is all bad or all good.

00:56:51Guest:Like lovely, loving, super loving person.

00:56:54Guest:We had a lot of good times too.

00:56:55Guest:So it's, it's confusing, I think.

00:56:57Marc:Well, and also that's the other thing that always baffles me is that you can't, there's no reasonable explanation for why people love people.

00:57:05Marc:You know, when you see people in difficult relationships or abusive relationships or people you don't think should be together and you're sitting there going, how the hell is that happening?

00:57:12Marc:You can't explain love.

00:57:13Marc:That's what makes it so amazing and so weird and sometimes so troublesome is that you don't know why you're going to feel that.

00:57:20Marc:You can sit there and look at your childhood or that this wires this or this is part of a pathological relationship.

00:57:24Marc:a legacy of some kind, but it is what it is.

00:57:27Marc:Love is love.

00:57:28Marc:What are you going to do?

00:57:29Guest:Well, I felt like a relationship gave me meaning in life.

00:57:32Guest:Like, oh, I have this thing that I'm working on, and we're together in this.

00:57:38Guest:I really like, and I do love that feeling.

00:57:40Guest:Like, I thought, oh, I want to keep that vision.

00:57:42Guest:You know, like, I love...

00:57:45Guest:I love being a part of a team like that was really wonderful.

00:57:48Guest:I really.

00:57:49Marc:Let me ask you a question about just from my own personal personal like when when when this started happening and you started losing your voice in the relationship because of his anger.

00:58:00Marc:Did you find yourself, like, spiting him outside of it?

00:58:05Marc:Or, like, something that happened in my relationship was, like, she would start, you know, saying bad things about me right in front of me, in front of people.

00:58:11Marc:And, like, there would be little weird things that would happen as a reaction to her not being able to stand up for herself in the relationship.

00:58:18Guest:Yeah, I mean, I would hope that I didn't do that.

00:58:21Guest:But I think, yeah, to...

00:58:27Guest:You know, because I think there's that loss of respect for the person.

00:58:31Marc:And loss of respect for yourself for putting up with it.

00:58:33Guest:Exactly.

00:58:34Guest:So it's sort of like a self-loathing and then also like, you know, like making fun of the person.

00:58:40Guest:I don't think I wanted to do that or, you know, but... It happens.

00:58:47Guest:But I do remember just feeling more and more like...

00:58:51Guest:jacked up like i like oh yeah okay you gotta figure this out figure this out figures and just really like and trying to make myself feel better and sometimes i put that on him which like i think the last thing we had was um we were about to become intimate and i said hey hey can we hold on and just kind of connect and he was like we don't know how to connect why don't you why don't you go see a therapist and i was like and i was like

00:59:18Guest:Okay, okay, okay.

00:59:20Marc:What attracted you to this guy?

00:59:21Guest:Well, he was a lot of fun.

00:59:23Guest:He was a lot of fun.

00:59:24Guest:He was a lot of fun.

00:59:26Guest:All right.

00:59:28Guest:I mean, come on.

00:59:29Marc:Sure, people who are angry and crazy.

00:59:31Guest:Well, they come with you, whoever you've been with.

00:59:33Marc:I think I was a lot of fun for a while.

00:59:36Guest:Yeah, exactly.

00:59:37Guest:And smart and interesting.

00:59:41Guest:Lots of wonderful things.

00:59:42Marc:And then you sort of rationalize it.

00:59:43Marc:Well, this comes with the territory.

00:59:45Marc:If I'm going to meet a guy that is this smart and this lively, I guess he's going to have this problem.

00:59:50Guest:Yeah, or seeing, you know, like, relating.

00:59:53Guest:I think we both related, too, on the, you know, sensitive child thing.

00:59:58Guest:Like, one thing they had us do in this, which I thought was a beautiful thing, was to put your, exchange your kids' pictures when you were a little kid.

01:00:07Guest:Oh, that's interesting, yeah.

01:00:08Guest:Yeah, it was really lovely.

01:00:09Guest:And then, well, we tore up.

01:00:12Guest:pictures of me when i was a little kid he did yeah and i was like oh my god that made me sad wow you know in anger yeah like in some fight yeah yeah it was after we had broken up but i was like it's almost like a like a it's almost like a witchcraft thing yeah and and i was like oh yeah that's and but i know that that's not about me that's how he feels about himself like he had a bad childhood like that you know like a bad situation

01:00:39Marc:And yours wasn't, like, bad in that way.

01:00:41Guest:It wasn't as physically, you know, it wasn't physically abusive, and it wasn't as frightening at all.

01:00:47Guest:Yeah, not frightening in that way at all.

01:00:48Marc:You just dealt with a lot of, was your dad angry?

01:00:51Guest:My dad was angry, yeah.

01:00:53Guest:Was there yelling?

01:00:54Guest:My dad, well, this is an example of my dad.

01:00:56Guest:My dad, I call my dad.

01:00:57Guest:Say, Dad, hey, I'm up at Beck's FunCon, just wanted to give you a call.

01:01:00Guest:Oh, so you're taking a break from your vacation.

01:01:04Guest:Okay.

01:01:04Guest:No, I'm actually working, Dad.

01:01:07Guest:I'm just working.

01:01:07Guest:Oh, but, you know, wandering around with nothing to do.

01:01:13Guest:You know, you're on sabbatical.

01:01:15Guest:Oh, my God.

01:01:16Guest:No, Dad.

01:01:17Guest:I mean, I worked a long time, actually, to do this job, and I'm, you know, like, well, I mean, you ate french fries at bars with friends for 10 years, and now you get to do it for a living.

01:01:31Guest:No, I think it's great.

01:01:32Guest:Oh, God.

01:01:33Guest:Like, yeah.

01:01:35Marc:That's so erasing.

01:01:36Guest:Yeah, yeah, and I think... And demeaning.

01:01:39Guest:Yeah, and I... Passive-aggressive.

01:01:40Guest:Yeah, but that's how my dad feels about himself, you know?

01:01:43Marc:Well, that's something you had to come to, but Jesus, if that's the type of disposition you have, I imagine, like, even when you were playing violin, that when you wanted to quit that, I can't imagine the kind of mind game that you had to go through.

01:01:54Guest:But it's... You forgive him.

01:01:56Guest:Again, yeah, and I know my dad is genuinely...

01:02:00Guest:feels bad about himself a lot.

01:02:02Guest:You know, like, and I think that's, I mean, it's... There's no other way to get through it.

01:02:09Guest:But, yeah, I do have to really be into myself and say, be into myself in, like,

01:02:16Guest:I'm enough.

01:02:18Guest:Like, I don't have to make it in show business.

01:02:19Marc:You have to parent yourself.

01:02:20Guest:Yeah, yeah.

01:02:21Guest:I don't have to be the best.

01:02:23Guest:And that's, I'm trying to let go of that.

01:02:24Guest:Like, maybe I don't have to keep being on TV or, you know, just, you know, like, I can do, because I think that's something I've lost is like, what is meaningful to me?

01:02:36Guest:Because I think I've been kind of letting show business kind of say, oh, well, this is meaningful to you.

01:02:41Marc:I used to say, honestly, I used to say, you know, it took me a long time to realize show business wasn't my parents.

01:02:45Marc:And I think that once if you have that emotional craving, if you know you were poorly parented and your sense of self is damaged, that you get to a point where you just you don't have a choice but to to get to, you know, to get to a level of forgiveness of the people that hurt you and understanding which it seems like you are.

01:03:03Marc:And also this idea that you have self acceptance, because like, you know, for me.

01:03:08Marc:It's not a matter of success or anything, but if I can be true to myself and actually feel good in that without the adulation of people, then that's an amazing thing.

01:03:17Marc:And I have moments of it now.

01:03:19Marc:And you certainly are true to yourself as an artist.

01:03:22Guest:Well, I'm trying.

01:03:24Guest:Last night I thought all I'm going to do is some new jokes and just let it not be the greatest.

01:03:29Guest:Go through the process of not being the greatest in front of a big crowd.

01:03:35Guest:I know I'm good at what I do, but...

01:03:38Guest:it wasn't like all my hits you know or something today and i go like just see how that feels you know because because it is never enough like it is it it hasn't been you know i thought oh well if i just get listed in the la weekly then that i'll be and i have succeeded and i've had over and over again successes and it's like i

01:04:02Guest:uh yeah it's not it has not done anything and the things that mean more to me is relationships being helpful feeling needed and the new bit and the new creative bit god damn it i do like bits yeah but it makes me crazy like it all comes down to that it's like i can like get all the success or like all the attention people like what i do and i just hit that wall where i'm like i can't do these fucking bits anymore

01:04:27Marc:If I don't get a new bit.

01:04:28Guest:Yeah.

01:04:29Guest:Yeah.

01:04:30Guest:Like I know that's an obsession too.

01:04:33Marc:Just one new bit.

01:04:34Guest:This is another example.

01:04:35Guest:My dad, my dad calls me and he goes, Oh, I got a new great new quote.

01:04:38Guest:I just read.

01:04:39Guest:Oh, what is it dad?

01:04:40Guest:Don't be humble.

01:04:41Guest:You're not that great.

01:04:44Guest:Jesus Christ.

01:04:46Guest:Like, okay.

01:04:48Guest:You know, like, Oh my God.

01:04:50Guest:Okay.

01:04:51Marc:There's no winning.

01:04:52Guest:Yeah, exactly.

01:04:53Guest:There's no winning.

01:04:55Guest:So great.

01:04:56Guest:Thanks, Dad.

01:04:57Marc:Well, I'll tell you, Maria.

01:04:59Marc:I'm so glad we talked.

01:05:00Guest:Yeah, this has been really fun.

01:05:01Guest:And it's nice because it's structured, so it's safe.

01:05:04Guest:I like structure.

01:05:05Marc:We're in a car.

01:05:07Guest:We're in a car.

01:05:08Marc:We're being recorded.

01:05:10Marc:Yeah, it has a context.

01:05:11Guest:It's for work?

01:05:13Marc:I think we did it.

01:05:15Marc:I think what we should do...

01:05:16Marc:you know we just did a great show me and you last night at max fun con for uh for jesse thorne and his crew there's like 200 people there and me and maria al magical and jimmy pardo did a stand-up show last night and it was great it was really fun what a great bunch of people and i would actually i think i would do it again

01:05:35Guest:Oh, I think I'm definitely coming.

01:05:36Guest:I hope that this becomes like a yearly thing so that we can all grow old together.

01:05:41Guest:You know, like it becomes like a weird, uh, yeah, like, uh, what is that called?

01:05:45Guest:Where they used to do it in the mountains and you could be Jewish?

01:05:48Marc:Yeah, in the Catskills?

01:05:50Marc:Catskills!

01:05:50Marc:Yeah, yeah.

01:05:52Marc:Oh, right!

01:05:52Guest:But like a major Catskills.

01:05:52Marc:A nerdskills!

01:05:53Guest:Yeah, nerdskills!

01:05:57Oh, it's nice.

01:05:57Yay!

01:05:57Marc:there you have it folks a ride home in a car with maria bamford i never thought it would happen i didn't think i'd ever talk to her for that long and man we definitely talked for that long and i hope you enjoyed it

01:06:16Marc:As always, go to WTFPod.com for all your WTF needs.

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01:06:34Marc:Go there for your JustCoffee.coopfix.com.

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01:06:48Marc:Outside of that, take a break.

01:06:51Marc:Relax.

01:06:52Marc:Or listen to the podcast again.

01:06:54Marc:Or listen to an old one.

01:06:55Marc:Or just live life.

01:06:59Marc:Bye.

01:07:02Bye.

01:07:11you