Episode 69 - Live Portland Super Show
Guest:Are we doing this?
Marc:Really?
Marc:Wait for it.
Marc:Are we doing this?
Marc:Wait for it.
Marc:Pow!
Marc:What the fuck?
Marc:And it's also, eh, what the fuck?
Guest:What's wrong with me?
Guest:It's time for WTF?
Guest:What the fuck?
Guest:With Mark Maron.
Guest:Alright, let's do this, what the fuckers.
Guest:What the fuck buddies.
Guest:What the fuckineers.
Guest:Whatever the fuck you want to call yourselves.
Marc:We're coming to you live from the Bridgetown Comedy Festival in Portland, Oregon.
Marc:And I gotta say, this is a much livelier crowd than I performed for last night.
Marc:Holy shit, I don't know what the fuck happened last night.
Marc:How many of you were at that show?
Marc:All right, well, I'll tell you something.
Marc:I'm going to give away some shit in a minute, but let's not do the plugs.
Marc:I'm starting to like your city, and I'll talk about some of the stuff I talked about last night as well, but you saw what happened.
Marc:Those of you who weren't there at the show last night, the Baghdad Theater, which is a beautiful venue.
Marc:Andy's doing a great job with the festival.
Marc:There were some mic issues.
Marc:There were some mic issues at the Baghdad.
Marc:The first mic was buzzing, and I was sitting in the audience going, are they going to fucking fix it?
Marc:Is someone going to fix the fucking mic?
Marc:And I said that to myself for about 10 minutes, and then I got up and said it to somebody else who said, I don't know.
Marc:And then I said, do you think we can get some sort of chain of command in place to deal with the fact that the people can't fucking understand the comedians?
Marc:Yeah, I guess I can talk to the guy.
Marc:Okay, well, why don't we do that?
Marc:So then after a certain series of events occurred, they brought another mic out.
Marc:And that mic sounded something like this.
Marc:So that mic was popping and loud, but it was dealable.
Marc:But I was still festering.
Marc:I was still sitting out there going, this is fucking ridiculous.
Marc:And I'm wondering, why is this audience not kicking in as much as they should?
Marc:It's because they have to program in their brain to tolerate the sound problem.
Marc:So they're like, I can get by it.
Marc:I can still understand them.
Marc:So that shouldn't be happening during a performance.
Marc:Like, no, it's OK.
Marc:I can adjust.
Marc:They can adjust the equipment.
Marc:All right, so then finally I'm like, I'll deal with it, and I get on, and then in the middle of my set, I hear this.
Marc:So, of course, being a professional, I snap.
Marc:I throw the mic down on the floor, have a slight tantrum in a comedic way, but a lot of the audience wasn't sure that it was comedy, which is what I do.
Marc:Is this supposed to be funny?
Marc:I just find it uncomfortable.
Marc:I think I'll call my next CD that.
Marc:So then, okay, the reason I want to bring this up is I actually want to dedicate this show to a guy named Michael Israel.
Marc:He's a what-the-fucker, and this is why I want to dedicate it to him.
Marc:He's not sick.
Marc:He's not dead.
Marc:Okay.
Marc:But he deserves this, in a way.
Marc:So I, somehow or another, I'm off mic, I'm doing my set, and someone up front said a nice thing.
Marc:Said, you know, you're great, I don't remember exactly what transpired.
Marc:And I go, thank you.
Marc:And then some other male voice from the middle of the room goes, adequate.
Marc:Adequate.
Marc:So, of course, I said, who fucking said that?
Marc:Who fucking said it?
Marc:And I walked out in the audience.
Marc:I'm like, who fucking said it?
Marc:Where did it come from?
Marc:And to Portland's favor, and out of respect for you guys, all the people I was asking did not rat this fucker out.
Marc:They just stood there like good drug addicts and just went, I didn't see anything.
Marc:No one came by here.
Marc:So good for you.
Marc:You're not a town of snitches.
Marc:But the guy actually, when I was going, who fucking said it?
Marc:This guy sitting alone goes, I did, I did.
Marc:And he was like by himself and he was sort of sad that that didn't stop me though.
Marc:I said, why'd you fucking say that?
Marc:Why did you see that window of opportunity to be a bully and take it?
Marc:Why?
Marc:He's like, I don't know.
Marc:I don't know.
Marc:And then I got back up on stage and I'm like, well, why the fuck would you do that?
Marc:You're alone.
Marc:You clearly don't think anything's adequate.
Marc:You don't have any friends.
Marc:Why don't you call your mother and resolve this problem?
Marc:And that's what happened last night.
Marc:All of the audience started to side with him.
Marc:So I said, so I said, okay, side with crying guy if that's the way you want to be.
Marc:And then I said, okay, look, and I meant this genuinely from my heart.
Marc:I said, look, man, I don't know you, but I'm sorry.
Marc:I got angry.
Marc:It wasn't nice what you said, but I didn't mean to go so far, and I apologized.
Marc:Are we good?
Marc:And tell your mother I said hi.
Marc:So that's what I did, okay?
Marc:I didn't feel great about it.
Marc:I felt kind of bad.
Marc:And then after the show, people were coming, you know, walking out, and that guy walks up to me.
Marc:He goes, hey, um, I'm sorry about what I did.
LAUGHTER
Marc:And I'm like, it's cool, man.
Marc:I apologize if I overreacted.
Marc:He's like, no, I feel really bad.
Marc:I'm sorry.
Marc:And I'm like, it's okay, man.
Marc:It's cool.
Marc:And he goes, well, I just want you to know, I came here to see you.
Marc:And like, I'm almost crying a little now.
Marc:You know, because, like, you know, I'm like, oh, fuck, dude, are you okay?
Marc:That's what I said, are you okay?
Marc:Like, what, like, I'm that powerful?
Marc:You're not gonna hurt yourself, are you?
Marc:And I go, what's your name?
Marc:He goes, Michael.
Marc:I go, Michael what?
Marc:I go, he says, Michael Israel.
Marc:And I'm like, I'm gonna take care of this.
Marc:So in front of all of you, I'm sorry, Michael.
Marc:So thank you for the story.
Marc:Thank you.
Marc:Oh my God.
Marc:Yesterday I wasn't in love with your town because I was paranoid and I don't even smoke pot.
Marc:I literally couldn't figure out what was making me uncomfortable and I talked about this last night but I tried to put my finger on it and I just was walking around Portland and it seemed like everyone walking by me had some sort of secret.
Marc:I didn't know what it was but I knew you were all in on it.
Marc:And I got this paranoid vision that you were all like, you know, that Portland had some weird mystical foundation that you all crawled into manholes after the lights went down in the city and somehow bonded through root connections with some large kind of maybe agave, black tar, heroin-based hash monster that lives under the city and that you were keeping that from me.
Marc:But now I find that's not true.
Marc:You're just high.
Marc:It's fine.
Marc:I will have you know that I had a sandwich at Bunk today.
Marc:And let me tell you what that sandwich was.
Marc:It was a pork belly Cuban sandwich.
Marc:So that's pork belly with ham, pickles, cheese, mayonnaise.
Marc:Had that.
Marc:Then went to the hotel, had a large buttermilk donut from Voodoo Donuts.
Marc:Had that, all right?
Marc:Then just in the back room over here, had two helpings of mac and cheese.
Marc:And I just want to tell you honestly, I want to fucking kill myself.
Marc:That's how I feel right now.
Marc:But then if you think about it, I'm doing it already.
Marc:Slowly but effectively.
Marc:So I'll wait on that one.
Marc:There's no reason to rush into it.
Marc:I think it's going to happen anyways.
Marc:We got a big show tonight, and I want to get into it, but I like to read emails at the live shows.
Marc:You guys like that, right?
Marc:This one, I can't tell if it's a genuine email from a psychopath or some sort of prose poetry, but here it is.
Marc:It says, Mark, I think you just fucked up my life.
Marc:Those are the kind of ones I'd definitely read, by the way.
Marc:If you're sending me emails.
Marc:Hey, Mark, how's it going?
Marc:My name is Devix, a 23-year-old prick who's almost as self-obsessed as you.
Marc:It's a guy after my own heart here.
Marc:A friend of mine just told me who you were, and I've been checking out your podcast while I sit in the office, which is what I do to alleviate the psychotic tendencies to lash out at unsuspecting co-workers for listening to bands like Paramore or Lady Gaga.
Marc:Anyway, I just listened to episode 22 with Stanhope Garofalo, and oh yeah, you...
Marc:I also felt the eerie, creepy presence of a dead guy named B. Hicks while listening.
Marc:I think you just fucked up my life because I've just, oh God, I'm gonna do it.
Marc:What?
Marc:The comedy shit, it's all over for me.
Marc:I know it.
Marc:I'm gonna get stabbed or I'm gonna end up stabbing myself with a rake.
Marc:Out of all the implements.
Marc:I don't even know, but I just wanted to let you know it's on your conscience.
Marc:If you stab yourself with a rake, sure, I'll take it.
Marc:I've been a fan of Carlin since I was one, Billy Connolly since I was two, and Bill Hicks and Oswalt and Jim Carrey.
Marc:Weird triumvirate there.
Marc:What the fuck ever, I love comedy, of course I do.
Marc:It's your fault.
Marc:But he just, what, is he five now?
Marc:How is it my fault?
Marc:After the episode of The Devilish 22, which is my fucking birthday, 1122, and he cursed number for me, fuck, it's your fault.
Marc:Not Carlin's death, which had me on my fucking roof wondering what the fuck hugging concrete feels like at 50 miles an hour.
Marc:Not Bill Hicks' ravings about playing music from your heart.
Marc:It's you, asshole.
Marc:You inspired me to get the fuck out of this horrible office, ad agency, marketing, etc.
Marc:death.
Marc:And now I'm going to somehow balance creating soulful, dead serious music and get in front of people and do the polar opposite, sort of, and become an upstanding comic.
Marc:Fuck you.
Fuck you.
Marc:And thanks.
Marc:All right, this is a cute one and I'm gonna bring Brian up.
Marc:I love this one because I think it was something that I could relate to.
Marc:Hey, Mr. Marin.
Marc:That always creeps me out.
Marc:Love the show.
Marc:Been listening to the archives every day at work and it really helps me assuage, is that how you pronounce it?
Marc:Assuage?
Marc:It's a weird looking word.
Marc:The feeling that I should be rolling my neck up in a car window.
I'm sorry.
Marc:Anyway, decided to drop you a line and tell you about one of the strangest what-the-fuck moments of my life.
Marc:My mother, already weird, my mother and I were out running errands one day.
Marc:I don't normally hang out with my mother because, let's face it, I'm a grown man.
Marc:Whatever.
Marc:We ended up at the video store.
Marc:The girl behind the counter was stunning, the type of girl noodle heads write stupid love songs about.
Marc:So I took the movies, said to my mother, you wait in the car, I'll be right out.
LAUGHTER
Marc:and got in line, except my mom didn't leave.
Marc:She stood right there insisting that she wait in line with me.
Marc:Whatever.
Marc:He's saying that, not me.
Marc:We got to the front of the line, and I reached for my wallet.
Marc:I had no idea what I was going to say to this girl, but I probably would have managed something had my mother not shouldered me out of the way.
Marc:Seeing my confusion, my mother stops, looks from the beautiful blonde, and then back to me, and I swear to God, she says this,
Marc:Oh, sorry, honey, did you want to talk to the pretty girl?
Marc:Seriously, Mom, what the fuck?
Marc:Fucking mommy cock block.
Marc:All right, let's get started with the guests.
Huh.
Marc:But first, justcoffee.coop.
Marc:Pow, I just shit my pants.
Marc:Who wants it?
Marc:Up in the air.
Marc:There you go.
Marc:Go to wtfpod.com for justcoffee.coop.
Marc:Got another one.
Marc:And I know you're from Portland.
Marc:You have good coffee.
Marc:Nerdcock t-shirts that I can't sell because they're orange and say nerdcock on them.
Marc:All right, I'll do this too.
Marc:What the fuck t-shirts available at wtfpod.com.
Marc:I'm sorry, man.
Marc:I've got it.
Marc:What am I, a fucking bride here?
Marc:There you go.
Marc:Any more things I'm going to give away?
Marc:I've got stickers for you after the show.
Marc:I've got my CDs, a few of them.
Marc:And also, thanks to Paige, my friend here in Portland, I've got a nerd cock voodoo donut.
Yay!
Marc:Right now, it's my pleasure to bring up to the stage your first guest and my first guest, a guy I haven't seen in a long time.
Marc:I'm very happy he's here.
Marc:He's one of the funniest guys working in television, but you may not know exactly who he is.
Marc:He was on the Conan O'Brien Show for 40 years.
Marc:Please welcome Brian McCann to the stage.
Marc:Yay!
Marc:You can sit here, and I'll sit right here with you.
Guest:Hi, everyone.
Guest:Thank you.
Guest:Hi.
Marc:Look, it's a guy from Conan.
Guest:Thank you, yes, thank you.
Marc:You're like every guy in Conan.
Marc:You do all of those things.
Guest:I did.
Guest:I was the guy in the audience for almost every single thing, like, you suck, or like, I love you, and everything in between.
Marc:Now, what's the recognition factor on the street, and how does that unfold?
Guest:I was talking to someone about this.
Guest:My recognition factor, it's not high, so don't, you know, be like, oh, I feel bad.
Guest:LAUGHTER
Guest:The only people that recognize me or the height are valets, like car valets.
Guest:And they're always like when I'm parking somewhere, like, dude, you were walking around with a fun hole shirt.
Guest:I go, yeah.
Guest:And then that's it.
Guest:You go into the restaurant and they're like, your reservation's not accepted.
Marc:But you've done like everything on that show.
Marc:You've been half naked or fully naked many times, no?
Marc:Yes.
Marc:You've had different outfits on?
Guest:I really did everything.
Guest:I tried my hardest to become a recognized, known person and it didn't happen.
Guest:So now I'm doing this.
Guest:And this is actually so much more satisfying.
Guest:Good save.
Guest:Um...
Guest:No, I've really, I have come to the conclusion whether, you know, there's many reasons behind it, but to me, like, fame is a curse and you do not want to be famous.
Guest:Anonymity is the real joy of life.
Marc:You don't got to tell me.
Marc:I've remained relatively anonymous and very public person, you know, for years.
Guest:Yeah, I think, like, if you can actually pull that off, then that's success.
Guest:Like, from what I've seen, and this is, you know, not jokingly, but, like,
Guest:Like walking anywhere with Conan, you know, he gets mobbed or, you know, constantly, you know, people, they're always kind and stuff.
Guest:But I would think, like, after a while, that would just be absolute, you know, drive me crazy.
Marc:The weird thing about it is, like, there's this thing about people who are fans of somebody that, and I haven't experienced this in a big way because I'm very accessible and have no boundaries.
Marc:But...
Marc:But I think that people who are famous, there's that fine line between sort of like, hey, man, you're Conan.
Marc:I really like you.
Marc:And then if you just say thank you and walk on, it's just a stone thrown away from, what the fuck?
Marc:Who the fuck do you think you are?
Marc:I thought we were friends.
Marc:No, fuck you, Conan O'Brien.
Marc:I've seen it happen.
Marc:Holy shit, really?
Marc:At work.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Now, I don't know if people know this.
Marc:I know you're going to talk about it later, but what was the writing process?
Marc:Because the Conan O'Brien show generated more comedy than just about any show on television.
Marc:How did that unfold?
Guest:The late night, right, is more like the Tonight Show was kind of... That was the only one I was on, so let's talk about that.
Guest:Mark Maron, I believe this is true.
Guest:You were the most frequent guest ever on late night.
Guest:I think so.
Guest:You held the number one title.
Guest:Al Roker was number two.
Guest:This guy right here.
Marc:I beat the used to be fat man.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Once he thinned down, we stopped bringing him in.
Marc:Yeah, not as funny.
Marc:That's when you just surpassed him.
Marc:I'm going to rack him up.
Marc:I saw his vulnerability.
Guest:The writing process at that show was amazing because it was anything and everything was pretty much accepted.
Guest:Because there was so much comedy on that show.
Guest:There was never, you would never bring something in and people would be like, I don't know.
Guest:You know, it'd be like, good, good, yes, produce it.
Guest:And it'd be like, okay, so I'm going to have ghost toilets going to be on.
Guest:It's just a toilet covered with a sheet with two eyes.
Guest:Okay, great.
Guest:Like, I'll smoke more pot at home and come in with more ghost toilet ideas.
Guest:And there's my check.
Guest:Sweet.
Guest:So...
Guest:That was actually a dream job.
Guest:And then at the Tonight Show, it was like, oh, no.
Guest:Things actually have to be funny.
Guest:You actually have to know what's going on in the world.
Guest:And I was like, well, I feel like I'm of no use to you anymore.
Marc:Was there a sense, I imagine, I don't know how much you can talk about, but was there a sense from NBC during the Tonight Show that you could not do the same type of comedy or any sort of restrictions put on you, or was that just a foreboding that you felt?
Guest:There was just an overall sense that
Guest:We had to be more focused.
Guest:Late night really was a wide-open, just crazy buckshot approach.
Guest:It really was.
Guest:Whatever you brought in was more or less encouraged to be produced and put on.
Guest:And at Tonight Show, you were kind of fighting for a little bit more of airtime, more space.
Guest:And so a more honed idea, a tighter idea, something that was...
Guest:Anything that was topical or, you know, parodying something that was really happening that day, especially news related, was something that would always sort of get the edge over.
Marc:Was there any discussions of like, wait, we're not talking to late night people, to young people that understand abstract sort of poetic, absurd comedy.
Marc:We're now talking to just regular morons.
Guest:That was day one, yeah, we had that discussion.
Guest:And then we just painted on the wall regular morons, and we're like, you would see that every day and be like, okay.
Guest:There was no actual discussion like that that took place, but there was, it was definitely, you could just see what was being selected at rehearsal, you know, for any number of reasons, but the things that ended up making it to the final show that night were usually like what I was just describing as more topical, more
Marc:And you did bigger stuff, too.
Marc:I mean, you had more money in a way, and you were able to waste a lot of it.
Guest:Yeah, which I've always been a fan of wasting money.
Guest:I have.
Guest:When I first started at Late Night, even that, the budget, I was like, this is hilarious.
Guest:We can just buy 5,000 CDs and throw them out a building and watch them crash on the floor.
Guest:Great.
Guest:And then, you know, you're just like, it got no laughs.
Guest:And you're like, like, I would just be laughing.
Guest:Like, we just wasted $40,000 of NBC's money.
Marc:Oh, that's a good day.
Marc:There's a lot of people here in Portland that are thinking right now, that's not right.
Marc:They should have fed people for the funny.
Marc:We recycled them.
Marc:We did.
Marc:What were your favorite characters that you did?
Marc:Like, what did you look forward to?
Marc:Like, you know, oh, I get to do that again.
Guest:uh they aren't the ones that people liked but uh the ones that uh like there was a character jerry butters who was this guy who had a talk show across the hall from conan and he was just this loser and he he would just be like did you do any jokes about you know george bush and conan would be like yeah and he'd be like yeah me too
Guest:He was just a loser.
Guest:He would never tell his jokes, and he was always then come to Conan for help because he would have a eight Vigoda he thought had died in his studio.
Guest:So, yeah, that was fun for me.
Guest:The Funhole guy, which was just this guy who was always indignant because Conan was a little too filthy, and then I would storm out of the studio in fishnet stockings with a shirt that just said Funhole and an arrow pointing to my asshole.
LAUGHTER
Guest:I'd be like, I am out of here.
Guest:That was always fun.
Guest:Bulletproof legs, this guy who would come out and do a dance singing about his bulletproof legs, and then he would always get shot in the heart.
Guest:We did that 20 or 30 times.
Guest:It never advanced.
Guest:It was always the same joke, but it was always, to me, fun to do.
Guest:There was also the extra caveat, because I'd be singing a song, and I quickly learned as a writer on the show, if you wrote a song, there was an extra check in it at the end of the week.
LAUGHTER
Guest:And so I was like, if anyone were to ever go back and look at my body of work, they'd be like, 90% of it, he's singing a song.
Guest:Like Preparation H. Raymond was always like, oh, and then there'd be like a 45 second song because the longer the song was, the larger the check was at the end of the day.
Guest:It had nothing to do with, I need 45 seconds to get this point across.
Marc:More music.
Guest:Exactly.
Marc:A lot of people don't know that you, the first time I met you I think was in probably 1995 at the Aspen Comedy Festival, and you were a stand-up.
Marc:You were a working stand-up.
Marc:I was.
Marc:I'm trying to remember what you do, but I feel like it involved a briefcase.
Marc:Is that possible?
Guest:Are you a travel guy or something?
Guest:I was a very, I was carrot top, very light.
Guest:Like I didn't have a trunk, but I had lots of things I'd pull out of pockets and stuff like that.
Guest:But I would look down on carrot top and be like, that dude brings a trunk.
Guest:I just used my pockets.
Guest:But like...
Guest:So, you know, fuck you, Carrot Top.
Marc:And how quickly did you get the gig?
Marc:Because I remember I was like, that guy's funny, and then all of a sudden it was like you weren't doing stand-up, you were right on that show.
Marc:I mean, you were there almost at the beginning, weren't you?
Guest:Yeah, I came in in the middle of the second year, and
Guest:When I did stand-up, I only did it in Chicago.
Guest:There were enough clubs, and I didn't have a car.
Guest:And so, like, Brian Kiley, who's a writer at The Tonight Show... He started with me.
Guest:Yeah, and he's a long-time working road comic.
Guest:His take on me, or what he always cracks him up, he's like, you're the comedian that knows no comedians.
Guest:Because I never met anybody, because I never did The Road.
Guest:Because he'd always be like, oh, do you know so-and-so?
Guest:And I'd be like...
Guest:No.
Guest:He's like, how do you not know anyone?
Guest:I was like, I only worked three clubs.
Guest:Brian McCann, ladies and gentlemen.
Marc:Thanks for having me.
Marc:You can move down.
Move down.
Marc:I guess I should ask you.
Marc:You can pick up that other mic.
Marc:I guess I should ask you, are you going to be on the new incarnation?
Guest:I have no idea.
Guest:Conan's on tour.
Guest:There's been no community.
Guest:The way I found out.
Guest:Get out.
Guest:They haven't called you yet.
Guest:This is what happened.
Guest:The way I found out, you know, there's been all this talk like he's going to be on Fox, whatever.
Guest:I'm driving into Manhattan to pick up my girlfriend.
Guest:1010 wins, which is the Manhattan AM news.
Guest:Sure.
Guest:Like, Conan's going to be on TBS this fall.
Guest:I'm like, yeah, that's how I find out.
Guest:Oh, shit.
Guest:But that's how everyone found out.
Guest:Don't be like, oh, man, Conan hates that guy.
Guest:So we'll see.
Marc:We'll see what happens.
Guest:Yeah, we'll see what happens.
Guest:But I would love to, yeah.
Guest:And I'm hoping it seems like that would be an opportunity to go crazy with the show.
Guest:I think TBS would encourage all sorts of lunacy.
Marc:They probably wouldn't even watch it at all.
Marc:They'd just say, just do whatever you guys want.
Guest:Throw $40,000 of CDs out a window.
Marc:All right.
Marc:Once more time, one more time.
Marc:Brian McCann, ladies and gentlemen.
Marc:Right now, it's my pleasure to bring out a very smart, very intense, troubled comic who I've grown to like because he's irritated me into it.
Marc:Please welcome Hari Kondabolu to the stage.
Marc:Hari.
Marc:Thank you.
Marc:Thank you.
Marc:What are your credits?
Marc:I didn't talk to you before the show because you weren't here when I was looking for you.
Guest:Right.
Guest:I've been on Jimmy Kimmel Live.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:I've been on John Oliver's New York stand-up show.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I've been on Live at Gotham and the 2007 HBO Comedy Festival in Aspen.
Guest:The last, the last one.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:Ever.
Guest:So you've done some shit.
Guest:I've done some shit, yeah.
Guest:I've done some shit.
Guest:This guy, let me just tell you.
Yeah.
Marc:What year was it where, like, you know, the way I met you was at the punchline in San Francisco.
Marc:You must have been 12.
Guest:No.
Guest:Where was it, Cobbs?
Guest:You're lying.
Guest:What are you talking about?
Guest:We met over the phone.
Guest:I was a junior at Wesleyan University.
Guest:I called you because I convinced a professor to let me interview comics for a paper.
Guest:We were talking about race and comedy and also alt-comedy, and then you were telling me how your career didn't work out the way you wanted it to.
LAUGHTER
Guest:You said, I don't know why I can't fill a club.
Guest:And I said, I don't know either, Mark.
Guest:You're very funny.
Guest:I'm scared.
Guest:I'm 20.
Guest:So I think that's kind of how that went.
Guest:That's so weird.
Guest:It's not how I remembered it.
Guest:No.
Guest:But it sounds very real.
Guest:And then we met again at the Comedy Cellar.
Guest:You graciously bought me coffee when I was 21.
Guest:That's where it was.
Guest:That's where you kind of scared me.
Guest:I was very anxious.
Marc:You were almost sweating.
Marc:You were like, I don't know what I'm going to do.
Marc:Should I do comedy?
Marc:Or should I finish school?
Marc:I don't know what I'm going to do.
Guest:What did I say?
Guest:I don't know, but I remember feeling that I should finish school afterwards.
And...
Guest:So I did.
Guest:I finished school.
Guest:Thanks.
Guest:I even picked up a master's degree while I was at it.
Guest:From the London School of Economics.
Guest:So I really... You really finished school.
Guest:I went all out.
Guest:Holy shit.
Guest:I didn't do that.
Guest:I wasted a shitload of money before I decided to do it.
Guest:A shitload.
Marc:But there was a feeling, though, that you did that.
Marc:You're like, well, at least that's in place.
Marc:If this doesn't work out, I could always be an economist.
Guest:I got a Master's in Human Rights at the London School of Economics, Mark.
Guest:What, do you want a fucking Nobel Prize here?
Guest:Turn it down a little.
Guest:It was an option, but then I got the first TV credit, and I'm like, I'm okay.
Guest:I'm all right.
Guest:I've been on Kimmel.
Guest:I've had a mediocre set on Kimmel.
Guest:I'll be all right.
Guest:But you spent a lot of time in London, right?
Guest:I mean, that's where you did most... No, no, no.
Guest:I lived in London for a year, Mark.
Guest:See, here's the thing.
Guest:When we talk, you don't really listen.
Guest:I realize that the majority of us communicating is me talking and then me noticing you're not paying attention.
Guest:And then you call me buddy to make me believe that you're listening when you're not actually listening...
Guest:And then you tell me a story about your career.
Guest:That's every conversation we have ever had.
Guest:Ever.
Guest:And then at some point, at some point, you check in and say, how you doing, buddy?
Guest:Because I think you forget my name.
Guest:You actually forget my name because you're so in thought.
Guest:You're in thought.
Guest:Can I still open for you?
Guest:Is that something that I can still... Can I continue doing that?
Guest:Because I do enjoy it.
Guest:Making that $75 a set, I... Half off on chicken fingers.
Guest:So anyways... We good, buddy?
Guest:We're good.
Guest:We're good, we're good.
Guest:The, um...
Marc:You okay?
Guest:Yeah, is it okay if I address something?
Guest:I don't know.
Marc:I'm barely listening.
Marc:Okay, all right.
Guest:Okay, well, you know, I don't... Do what you gotta do.
Marc:It seems like you're on a roll of some kind.
Marc:Okay, sure.
Guest:You feel empowered.
Guest:It's surprising, because, you know, I don't really like audiences.
Guest:It's not my thing.
Guest:I find them in the way, generally, when I'm talking.
Guest:And I know you relate to some of them.
Marc:Honestly, I'll be honest with you.
Marc:This is the best I've ever seen you do.
Guest:Yeah, no, no, it's incredible.
Guest:It's incredible.
Marc:The whole thing.
Marc:This is...
Marc:And I was actually enjoying it.
Marc:Again, I wasn't listening, but they were enjoying it.
Marc:And I'm like, I think it's important that young Hari feels what it feels like to actually entertain a crowd for once in his fucking life.
Guest:Good, good.
Guest:You good now?
Guest:I'm good, thank you for that.
Guest:Don't get too cocky.
Guest:So, I don't really listen to your podcast.
Guest:No, no, wait, hold on.
Guest:I've listened to it three times.
Guest:I listened to the one with you and Stan Hope, because that's fucking amazing.
Guest:That's an amazing episode.
Guest:The fact you both are still around, incredible.
Guest:And then...
Guest:I listened to the one with Kumail because I was mentioned on it.
Guest:And then I listened to the one with Ackerman because I was also mentioned on it.
Guest:So this is concerning episode 49 with Kumail Nanjiani.
Guest:Is this going to be like a Pakistani-Indian conflict here?
Guest:Oh, this has nothing to do with him.
Guest:So I came up in the conversation, and this is what you said.
Guest:You said, I know Hari Kondabolu.
Guest:He's a funny guy.
Guest:So, so far, that's usable in a press kit.
Guest:I can clip that out.
Guest:I can put your name attached to it.
Guest:It's valuable to me.
Guest:Tons of bookers, I'm sure.
Guest:Marc Marincote, maybe.
Guest:Oh, yeah, that'll really help with bookers.
Guest:Right, right, right.
Guest:I said maybe.
Guest:So I know Hari Kondabolu.
Guest:He's a funny guy.
Guest:He does an Indian version of me, which I find flattering.
Yeah.
Guest:Which is the biggest backhanded compliment slash piece of self-flattery I have ever... And it's painful.
Guest:I don't want to hear that.
Guest:Can I quickly chime in with a backhanded compliment story from you as well?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:It was at Aspen.
Guest:It was the following morning we met.
Guest:Are you serious?
Guest:Yeah, this is a...
Guest:I just want to jump on the bandwagon.
Marc:Sure, sure.
Marc:Why not?
Guest:No, because it's funny.
Guest:I was talking about it today, and it just came up.
Guest:You know I love you.
Guest:This is going to be good.
Guest:But it was right after we met, but it was the next morning.
Guest:We were all having a community breakfast.
Guest:We were in some bed and breakfast, and you go, hey, McCann.
Guest:Across the room, I go, yeah?
Guest:And you go, you killed last night.
Guest:I go, oh, thanks.
Guest:You go, you really talked down to the crowd's level.
Guest:I was with my wife at the time.
Guest:She's like, what a dick.
Marc:Okay.
Guest:Thank you.
Marc:Brian, I want to apologize for that condescension.
Marc:You followed me around like a fucking puppy for like months on end.
Guest:I was 21.
Guest:I was confused.
Guest:I admired you at the time.
Guest:You were one of...
Guest:You are one of my comedic heroes.
Guest:You are one of my comedic heroes.
Marc:All right, so I take you into the tent.
Marc:We have a nice time.
Marc:I listen to you whine and sweat about your anxious bullshit, and now you've transcended that somehow and moved on because you know me, and you know that you're just as fucking selfish as I am.
Marc:Three of my podcasts, go fuck yourself, little man.
Marc:All right, the other...
Marc:Oh, don't feel bad for his fucking sad, don't be worked by this guy.
Marc:He's just learning how to do faces.
Marc:He's trying them out.
Marc:It's good, it's good.
Marc:So we good, buddy, or what?
Marc:Hari Kondabolu, ladies and gentlemen.
Marc:Did Ian make it?
Marc:I'm never sure what clock he's on.
Marc:This next guy is very funny.
Marc:I've known him for a long time.
Marc:We have not talked that often, and again, he'll tell you his credits when he gets out here, but he's done a lot of things, and I love his comedy.
Marc:Ian Edwards, ladies and gentlemen.
Marc:Do you know Harry?
Guest:Yeah, we met backstage.
Marc:Did you see the shit he just gave me?
Guest:Nah, I didn't see it at all.
Marc:Here's what happened the other day in terms of you.
Marc:All right.
Marc:There's some... No, someone was talking to me about, like, being at the Comedy Cellar, like, you know, like, maybe 10 years ago, and they said, we had the most amazing night.
Marc:We got there really late, and there was some guy, some comedian on stage.
Marc:He had dreadlocks, and all he kept saying was something like, you know, like, you guys aren't going to like me, but I don't give a fuck.
Marc:Do you remember that being you?
Marc:I just remember the attitude.
Guest:Like, yeah.
Marc:What happened to the dreadlocks?
Marc:When was that choice?
Marc:When did that go away?
Guest:They're in a drawer at home.
Guest:I still got them.
Guest:You know what I'm saying?
Guest:Just took them off.
Guest:Can't keep that shit forever.
Guest:You seen these NBA players with cornrows?
Guest:Pulls your fucking hairline back.
Guest:So that was the choice?
Guest:It was a bald thing?
Guest:Yeah, it was bald.
Guest:I think I got a nice bald head.
Marc:You took the dreadlocks off because you were afraid you were going bald, and then you just went full bald?
Guest:I just went full bald right away.
Guest:Just took the whole shit off.
Guest:Where are you from originally?
Guest:I was born in England, raised in Jamaica, then moved to New York, and now I live in California.
Marc:Because there was a time where you kind of leaned on the Jamaican thing, but that's almost all gone now.
Guest:Well, you don't lean on it.
Guest:You're just, you're from there.
Guest:How the fuck you lean on some shit you're from?
Guest:My bad.
Guest:I don't really understand that one, Mark, but hey.
Guest:You're really leaning on this white thing.
Guest:Hope one day it goes away, Mark.
Guest:It's just one of those questions.
Guest:I'm just answering it honestly, that's all.
Marc:I didn't say, like, the black thing.
Marc:I said the Jamaican thing.
Marc:It's broader than that.
Marc:It's broader than that.
Guest:It's more specifically black than...
Marc:Dude, can I ask you a question?
Guest:Go ahead.
Guest:You've been asking me questions since I got out here.
Guest:What you mean, can I ask you a question?
Guest:Oh, you want to ask me another question?
Guest:All right, I'm ready.
Guest:Do you have a watch?
Guest:Do I have a watch?
Marc:We were at the airport yesterday.
Marc:They're like, is he in on the plane?
Guest:We're like, this is the deal.
Guest:I have the worst manager in the world.
Guest:But he's not the worst manager for everybody, just for me.
Guest:You know what I'm saying?
Guest:I do.
Guest:Like, you know, I got this job.
Guest:I'm writing on this show in New York.
Guest:It's a pilot.
Guest:So now I'm in New York.
Guest:So then I had to cancel yesterday.
Guest:And I had to come up here today.
Guest:And he did nothing to help me rearrange those plans or talk to anybody.
Guest:And I had to do all that shit myself.
Guest:Plus still make sure I get out here.
Guest:And so that's what happened yesterday.
Guest:So I couldn't come yesterday because I was working.
Guest:I just started working.
Guest:And so I took off today to come out here today.
Guest:I was like, man, I got to do Mark's show.
Guest:Fuck that.
Guest:I am not missing this.
Guest:I'm not missing his barrage of racist questions for nothing.
Guest:I said, I can't.
Guest:I got to get there so he can ask me, do you have a watch?
Guest:Why were you late, black man?
Guest:I couldn't miss that.
Guest:But that's what happened, though.
Marc:Did you really think that those were racist?
Marc:Maybe I should re-examine myself.
Guest:I know I can make you feel uncomfortable if I throw that out.
Marc:You can make me feel uncomfortable within seconds.
Marc:You have that power over me.
Marc:Literally, you're one of those people that, even if I'm just standing there, when you walk up to me, I'm like, did I do something racist?
Guest:Why do you feel so guilty?
Guest:Because I'm white.
Guest:What's your experience living in Los Angeles?
Guest:First, I didn't like it.
Guest:I don't know if it's a matter if I'm from New York or not, or Jamaica.
Guest:I just like honesty and straightforwardness.
Guest:And when you move to California, you have to get used to people just lying to you for no reason.
Guest:You know what I'm saying?
Guest:I'm from a place, when you lie to somebody, there's a reason you want something.
Guest:But in California, people just lie.
Guest:So once you get over, like, people offering you shit they don't got...
Guest:Once you get used to knowing that that shit is going to happen, then you can just actually live and enjoy the place.
Guest:California's a nice fucking place.
Guest:It's beautiful.
Guest:Somebody told me this once.
Guest:They said, the set is awesome, but the cast and crew is atrocious.
Guest:And that's basically California.
Guest:Just enjoy the set.
Guest:Go around and shit.
Guest:Go to the beach, go to the mountains, you know, find your two, three friends and stick with them for life.
Marc:And were you going to go back to New York after this?
Marc:Yeah, for like a week.
Marc:Are you touring at all?
Guest:Uh, I'm doing, like, spot dates.
Guest:I'm doing more shows than I usually do out of town.
Marc:I remember the last time we worked together was at some, where was it, at that fucking improv in Long Beach, and nobody was there, and it was fucking awful.
Marc:Do you remember that?
Guest:Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Marc:It wasn't always the laugh factor or something.
Guest:It was the laugh factor in Long Beach, yeah.
Marc:And then it got weird in there, too, because Fitzsimmons was on.
Marc:I don't know if you know him.
Marc:I felt there was a little tension that night.
Marc:Do you remember that night?
Marc:Between you and him?
Marc:I don't know, between all of us.
Marc:I thought that, you know, whatever happened, it was his fault, and it was a problem.
Marc:Did you remember that?
Marc:I was just hilarious.
Guest:Do you remember what happened?
Guest:The fire alarm went off, right?
Guest:Ow!
Guest:That's it!
Guest:The fire alarm went off.
Guest:You were fucking amazing!
Guest:The fire... Holy shit, let me set it up.
Marc:Go ahead.
Marc:There's like 15 people in this fucking club that seats 900, all right?
Marc:And they're scattered.
Marc:It's fucking horrendous.
Marc:I had gone on, and I think Fitzsimmons had already gone on, right?
Marc:I was the host.
Marc:You were the host?
Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Marc:You were the host, so I get off, and he's on, and the fire alarm in the club goes off, and it's loud, and it's unbearable, but it's amazing about fire alarms.
Marc:They're completely fucking useless, because when any fire alarm goes off, you just have a bunch of people going, is it real?
Marc:I don't smell anything.
Marc:Should we go?
Marc:Let's just hang out.
Marc:But it's going on, and it's clearly something that doesn't have anything to do with the fire, but they can't turn it off, and he fucking stayed on stage for 15 minutes riffing to a fire alarm.
Guest:Congratulations.
Guest:Pretty, yeah.
Marc:oh god and then i then i waited for it to go off and then i brought him up that's right yeah but like you stayed up there like any other comic like it was kind of amazing to watch because you just kept saying like when's this going to be done and then you kept you know talking to the audience and and any other comic would be like let's just take a break until this goes but you wrote it out yeah i wrote it out and the audience was fun we had a good time i don't know i don't know what i was thinking i just did that
Guest:For real, it's just one of them things like, this is what I would have did 10 years ago.
Guest:The fire alarm's going off.
Guest:Well, the next comic.
Guest:It's my time.
Guest:Deal with that shit, bro.
Guest:But I was like, fuck it.
Guest:He was headlining, and I didn't want to bring him up to a fire alarm.
Guest:You took a serious bullet.
Guest:I just played with it.
Guest:It was fun.
Guest:It was beautiful.
Marc:Ian Edwards, ladies and gentlemen.
Marc:Thanks, buddy.
Marc:You guys can chime in when you want.
Marc:Take shots at me if I deserve them.
Marc:This next guy, it's weird about this guy.
Marc:Because I don't know him that well, and honestly, the first time I met him, he was hosting a little show in Brooklyn, and he said something that was kind of shitty, and I took it the wrong way.
Marc:And then I went on stage, and I addressed the fact of who the fuck's that guy I think he is.
Marc:And then we talked afterwards.
Marc:He was like, no, I really like you.
Marc:And I'm like, all right, fuck it, whatever, dude.
Marc:And then I saw him last night after the show, and I saw him on stage, and I realized that my resentment was primarily fueled by the fact that this fucker has...
Marc:the eye of the goddamn comedy tiger.
Marc:This guy is like, you know, a make or break kind of, you know, fuck it, I've got nothing to lose anymore.
Marc:And I fucking love that.
Marc:Sean Patton, ladies and gentlemen.
Guest:I did not know you thought anything of me at all, much less that highly.
Marc:I've got to be honest with you, it just happened.
Guest:Yeah?
Guest:Just riffed it?
Marc:It just happened last night, no.
Guest:Now, can I correct what actually happened in Brooklyn?
Marc:If it involves hurting my feelings, please.
Guest:No, not going to hurt you.
Guest:We're doing a show in Brooklyn.
Guest:I bring you up and I say, this guy is an inspiration to me, and when I start doing comedy...
Guest:Marc Maron, and he comes up and he does his thing where he pisses off half the crowd and wins over like a handful.
Guest:But that handful loves you, you know?
Guest:You gotta work for the handful.
Guest:I think that's in the manual.
Guest:And I gave you a light, and then you were like, yeah, and then I gave you another one like eight minutes later, and you were like, you just fucking lit me?
Guest:You said I was your fucking inspiration, now you're gonna light me?
Guest:Where do you think you are?
Guest:And then that was it.
Guest:And that's when you came up to me last night and you were like, are we cool?
Guest:I'm like, are we?
Guest:I mean, I thought you hated me, man.
Marc:But, you know, my memory doesn't really have the same interpretation of these things.
Marc:And this is exactly what happened in both my marriages.
Marc:Exactly what you just said.
Marc:Somehow or another, I thought I was right.
Marc:You had done something wrong.
Marc:And that I had a right to my anger.
Marc:And it turns out I was just being a douchebag who wouldn't get off stage.
Guest:I like that.
Guest:I said something shitty.
Guest:That's what he thought.
Guest:He said something shitty like, you're my inspiration.
Guest:I just hate that.
Marc:Well, you know, I didn't know anything about you other than the fact that I watched you on stage last night at the Baghdad, and I just saw this, like, there's a persistence that you only see in certain comics.
Marc:Like, some comics will hide behind their jokes, do their jokes, and even if no one's responding to them at all, they will do it, get off stage, and say, it was pretty good.
Marc:Really?
Marc:Did you even know that there was an audience in there?
But...
Marc:You're one of those guys that, like, I can tell because I do it myself.
Marc:You do a couple jokes and then you realize, like, this isn't going very well.
Marc:So I'm going to get right here and go, what the fuck is the problem?
Guest:Do you have that in you?
Guest:Yeah, man.
Guest:I mean, I love doing comedy.
Guest:I just feel like I get a lot of flack because I don't, I guess, I don't know.
Guest:People think I don't write smart jokes.
Guest:And I'm like, what's a smart joke?
Guest:And they're like, cats and dogs.
Guest:They're different.
Guest:That's pretty smart.
Guest:And I'm like, you go fuck yourself with your...
Marc:not smart that's just safe that's safe and boring and bullshit like well i didn't realize that you came from you come from new orleans you know you were one of these guys like i did a little research by talking to people that know you yeah that and like maybe i'm romanticizing it but it seemed that you you made a you made a try you went to la and correct me if i'm wrong la said hey buddy get in the mouth chewed you up and spat you out yeah
Marc:And then you landed back in New Orleans, and at some point you were sitting there, and here's how I imagine it.
Marc:You're like, I'm either going to fucking kill myself or do this again.
Guest:Did that happen?
Guest:It was actually, I was in L.A.
Guest:for a year, convinced myself.
Guest:You know how it is.
Guest:You have to lie to yourself enough.
Guest:Like, no, I love it here.
Guest:I really do.
Guest:I love it.
Guest:No, it's great.
Guest:The weather's fine.
Guest:The weather's fine.
Guest:Have you been to Los Feliz?
Guest:It's amazing.
Guest:It's an amazing neighborhood.
Guest:It's just like New York.
Guest:And then, like...
Guest:You hate it.
Guest:And then I went home for Christmas and stayed in New Orleans for a month, convinced that I was going back.
Guest:And like last minute, someone was like, hey, you want to fucking sublet my place in Brooklyn for cheap?
Guest:And I was like, yes, sold my Saturn for $2,500.
Guest:Got to New York and I've been there ever since.
Guest:I love it.
Guest:I love it out there.
Guest:It's absolutely amazing.
Guest:And you grew up in New Orleans?
Guest:I grew up in New Orleans, which is, has anybody ever been to New Orleans?
Yeah.
Guest:It's a wonderful city.
Guest:When you grow up there, when you meet people outside, people are either really like, oh, I love the culture, or people are like, you're fucking nuts!
Guest:This guy's from New Orleans!
Guest:Tits!
Guest:Drinks!
Guest:Pull it out!
Guest:Whack off!
Guest:Do the crazy shit!
Guest:Do you have beads?
Guest:Do you have beads on you?
Guest:Do you have beads on you now?
Guest:When you drank from your mother's tit as an infant, was it white Russian?
Guest:You booze hound?
Guest:And it's like...
Guest:New Orleans is a city.
Guest:The city is 50% people who grew up there and love it.
Guest:50% people who went to like Cornell and were like, I'm gonna take a few years off, go to New Orleans, cut to 12 years later and they're bartending with a Cornell degree.
Guest:You know, it's like, wow.
Marc:Were you there during the... I was there during Katrina.
Guest:I was, I, it was actually, people don't remember that like the storm hit and then there was like a two day period where everyone's like, everything's fine.
Guest:We dodged a bullet.
Guest:There's no electricity, so don't come back to the city for a week, but everything's fine.
Guest:So a couple of friends of mine, we were like, let's go to Vail, where we had a buddy.
Guest:We're on our way to Vail.
Guest:We stop in Oklahoma City at a guy's parents' house, and they're like, have you seen?
Guest:Your city's just fucked.
Guest:So I spent a week in Oklahoma City, which is, if aliens ever land, and they're like, hey, take me to the most culturally void, whitest place on Earth.
Guest:You say, Oklahoma City, take them there.
Guest:It's an awful piece of shit.
Guest:And those people are probably from Oklahoma City, if you're clapping.
Guest:Probably like, I know, it's terrible.
Guest:But I sat there and watched the destruction of the place that I love in the worst, shittiest place that only has barbecue in the world, Oklahoma City.
Guest:And when you went back, what was the situation?
Guest:It was pretty fucked, but I swear to you, comedy was still happening.
Guest:There were two comedy shows in New Orleans before the flood, and then there were three afterwards.
LAUGHTER
Guest:People had shit to talk about.
Marc:I did a benefit there, but it was a year later, and I was surprised at the devastation that still happened.
Marc:And I guess I should, to be fair, and not to be thought of as someone who avoided it, do you have family in Jamaica still?
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:And did you go back there?
Marc:Hell no.
Guest:Nah, nah.
Guest:I got family there.
Guest:I haven't seen them in a minute, though.
Marc:Oh, okay.
Guest:If I go back to Jamaica, I'll be going back to the tourist spots.
Guest:I'm gonna do the white people thing and go, you know, just enjoy the island.
Marc:I just didn't want you to get on stage going, talk about Katrina, but not what happened in my country.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:You know, he just fucked up.
Guest:That's Haiti.
Guest:Oh.
Guest:Wow, I really fucked up.
Guest:What the hell is going on?
Marc:I think that would do that white guilt again.
Guest:Do you have family in that black island of yours?
Marc:I do.
I do.
Guest:I mean, they're all the same Black Island.
Marc:Yeah, yeah.
Marc:Jesus, Mark.
Marc:Jesus, Ian.
Marc:I apologize.
Marc:Sorry.
Marc:I don't think I'm going to recover from this one.
Marc:Like, I knew it was Haiti, but for some reason I decided it was Jamaica.
Marc:And I thought, this is really going to save me and Ian on the race thing.
Marc:Like, you know, I'm listening.
Marc:I'm listening to Sean.
Marc:I'm like, I'm going to take this moment and really put out an olive branch and make this work.
Marc:So Ian, Jamaica was devastated.
Guest:Have you heard?
Guest:You see what phony concern gets you?
Guest:Nothing.
Guest:You don't give a fuck about Haiti.
Marc:I don't give a fuck about you.
Guest:You're absolutely right.
Guest:I haven't even donated to Haiti yet.
Marc:You haven't?
Guest:Nah.
Guest:I want to, but I just... Right now, I think they've made more money than the island is worth in donations.
Guest:I calculated it.
Guest:I calculated it, and right now, I would like to have an earthquake.
Guest:What am I sitting between right now?
Guest:This exchange!
Guest:You could make a lot of money.
Guest:How do you chime in?
Guest:Just chime in.
Guest:You know you look like a cop from the 70s?
Guest:Anybody ever tell you that?
Guest:I will take it.
Guest:I will take that.
Guest:Thank you.
Marc:You know what I'm sitting here doing?
Marc:I'm sitting here thinking like, you know, this is my show, but it's a live one, and there's no fucking way I can cut out that mistake.
Marc:yeah like I really thought like I was gonna walk out of this show thinking like that went great and now I'm gonna be thinking like I'm a fucking idiot and and but I I didn't send money to Haiti either I did a couple you sure you didn't send it to Panama or some other no I sure are you
Marc:The weird thing is, I sent it to you, but I must not have had the right address.
Guest:From Mark Maron to Black Island.
Guest:Put it in the mail.
Guest:Oh, I did my part.
Guest:Put the money in a bottle and shoved it in the ocean.
Guest:It was sailing to the Caribbean.
Guest:Oh, it's gonna help somebody.
Marc:Anyways, if you do have time, please send money to Jamaica.
Marc:And they're not gonna know why, but just do it because I told you to.
Marc:If you listen to WTF, please make your checks to Jamaica.
Marc:Just fill it out to the black people of Jamaica and just send it there.
Marc:Just send it to Jamaica, Jamaica.
Please.
Marc:Are we all right?
Guest:Are you all right?
Marc:Sean Patton, ladies and gentlemen.
Marc:You guys, that didn't go right that way.
Marc:That was like a big fuck-up.
Marc:I don't think I can put the genie back in the bottle.
Marc:This next guy I know definitely is Latino.
Marc:And... I know it for a fact.
Marc:And he's one of my favorite comics.
Marc:Please welcome Al Madrigal to the stage.
Marc:Hey, buddy.
Marc:Did you send money to Jamaica?
Guest:No.
Marc:No?
Guest:I never will.
Marc:How you doing, man?
Guest:Good, good.
Guest:This seems to be going well.
Marc:It is, but I feel stupid.
Marc:There's a couple stories.
Marc:Quite honestly, I like listening to you more than most other comics.
Guest:Considering you hate most people, that means a lot.
Guest:Okay.
Marc:I don't hate them.
Marc:I just find them intimidating, so I'm defensive and I try to hurt them before they hurt me.
Marc:Now, I would like to, since we're on the race issue, I would like you to share your experience in being asked to perform at a Mexican comedy show.
Guest:Yeah, I get asked to do all these Latino comedy jams on a regular basis, and I'm just not that type of comic.
Guest:So you know the Russell Simmons deaf comedy jam?
Guest:Well, they have the same thing for Mexican comics.
Guest:And it's like, you come to our big local comedy slam, and it's $2,000 for 20 minutes each day.
Guest:And I'm like, oh, that's great, $4,000 for a weekend.
Guest:And then I show up, and they're...
Guest:I'm driving there, and they have the, on the radio station, the oldie station, I turn it up, my wife says, turn it up, they're saying my name.
Guest:She's like, we have a big Latino comedy jam, and Alma Regal is going to be there.
Guest:I'm like, oh, so that's how you say it.
Guest:And I...
Guest:And then I go to the gig and there's 2,000 Mexicans in a GI hall, which is a big cafeteria.
Guest:And my wife looks at me and she's like, dude, you gotta get the fuck out of here.
Guest:She's supportive like that.
Guest:And then the guy before me was doing his entire act in Spanish and just killing.
Guest:And then I walked up, I'm like, oh, what would...
Guest:You know, what would a Latino Def Jam comedian do in this situation?
Guest:What would Carlos Mencia do?
Guest:That's one of the rare times you want to ask yourself that question.
Guest:And so I go up and I'm like, what's up everybody?
Guest:I go, make some noise.
Guest:And then they all made some noise.
Guest:And then, this is like 2,000 people.
Guest:I go, where are the black people at?
Guest:Black people make some noise.
Guest:Nothing.
Guest:And one black person there, and I go, oh, the white people make some noise.
Guest:Nothing.
Guest:Just half of me's the only white guy there.
Guest:And then I say, so it's all Latinos.
Guest:And then I do it just by saying fuckers and bro constantly.
Guest:That's the code.
Guest:By the way, that's all you gotta do is do your bits and then just say fuckers and bro.
Guest:What's up, fuckers?
Guest:Little fucking fuckers, fuckers, bro, bro, fuckers, fuckers.
Guest:So then I go to the next gig, and it's in Stockton, California, which is this meth shithole in the middle of nowhere.
Guest:And I go there, and the same guy who's doing his whole act in Spanish the night before and doing so well, he just destroyed.
Guest:I go, hey, Reuben, what's wrong?
Guest:How was your set?
Guest:He's crying a little bit.
Guest:And he goes, they threatened my life.
Guest:And
Guest:I got to go up there and I do, you know, the same.
Guest:I'm not going to be this character that I'm not.
Guest:I'm going to be myself.
Guest:And that's a bad idea.
Guest:Never be yourself.
Guest:Try to be something better.
Guest:And so I go up and I ended up, the short end of the story is I ended up hopping a fence while the black security guards laughed at me.
Guest:That's how that gig ended.
Marc:But what about the moment where the guy, when they realize that, you know,
Guest:Oh, yeah, he stands up, this guy stands up, because I did this Paquito thing, how you spot a half-Mexican overuse the word Paquito, and this guy stands up and goes, He doesn't speak Spanish!
Guest:Like Mexican Braveheart.
Guest:And then I really tried to keep it together.
Guest:He was violently flipping me off and leading people in booze against me.
Guest:And then I finally said, look, you guys, this isn't exactly a dream gig for me either.
Guest:I'm stuck in Stockton of all godforsaken places.
Guest:And the best part about it is I get to leave and you people are stuck here for the rest of your miserable fucking lives now.
Guest:I'm taking the money and I'm being paid handsomely.
Guest:I'm going to go blow it into outlet malls at the outskirts of every shitty city like yours, so fuck off.
Guest:And that's why I had to hop the fence.
Marc:We live close to each other.
Marc:I actually go to his house.
Marc:I want you to know that I'm not a complete social retard.
Marc:I go to Al's house.
Marc:He bakes.
Marc:That's another thing.
Marc:He bakes.
Marc:You're a good baker.
Marc:Thank you very much.
Marc:I go to his house.
Marc:I eat dinner with his wife and his family and his friends and I socialize.
Marc:I just want you to know that about me.
Marc:I'm not just at home with the cats masturbating and being angry.
Marc:I have a social life.
Marc:Every once in a while, like once every four months, Al's wife, out of sympathy for me, will call and say, do you want to come over?
Marc:And I'll go, I don't know.
Marc:Yeah, definitely.
Marc:And I cooked a cornbread and your kid likes me.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:That worked out.
Guest:Everybody likes Mark.
Marc:Now, when you have your kids, so you have to do all that shit.
Marc:You have to do the school thing.
Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest:Feed them.
Yeah.
Guest:Pretty responsible.
Guest:Yeah, I have a couple kids.
Guest:We have this neighborhood and this house and the dog and everything.
Guest:We bought our house at the same time.
Guest:You bought it earlier than I did.
Guest:A little bit.
Guest:I bought a house for about $700,000 in a horrible neighborhood.
Guest:It's not that bad, but it still is pretty shitty.
Guest:I bought it at the worst time.
Guest:We've got across the street a bunch of old ladies, and then I've got Blue Tarp.
Guest:Guy, when it rained, he couldn't afford to fix his roof.
Guest:And then two years later, he's still got the fucking blue tarp.
Guest:And I find myself scrutinizing every purchase.
Guest:And I'm like, are those fucking New Balance?
Guest:Son of a bitch.
Guest:He comes up and he's like, hey, did you see Avatar in 3D?
Guest:I'm like, did you see fucking Avatar in 3D?
Guest:Look at that.
Guest:See, it's never a regular.
Guest:And then we have a gang member.
Guest:It's all Latinos in this neighborhood.
Guest:And I take my son to the local park there for Mighty Might Soccer.
Guest:And my wife and I see a cholo coming right at us.
Guest:He's beelining for us.
Guest:Everybody knows what a cholo is.
Guest:A Mexican gang member with white socks pulled up and then shorts.
Guest:This is something from the summer catalog.
Guest:It's a...
Guest:White shorts pulled up and then the... Headbands?
Guest:Yeah, no headband, just a white t-shirt pressed.
Guest:And then it's very similar to a Catholic schoolgirl's uniform.
Guest:It's a lot scarier.
Guest:And set apart by the mustache and shaved head and the neck tattoos.
Guest:So this cholo's coming at us.
Guest:And...
Guest:All kinds of stuff is going on on the neck.
Guest:I'm trying to decipher it.
Guest:I never watched Prison Break or anything like that.
Guest:I haven't caught up on all the lockup on my TiVo, so I'm trying to decipher what's going on.
Guest:I was like, why is the rabbit crying?
Guest:What the fuck does that mean?
Guest:And...
Guest:Me and my wife have the... Does he have teardrop tattoos?
Guest:Yeah, no, he has a full... He has lip tattoo, eyelids, everything is done.
Guest:He had like a cheetah print on his head right by his temple.
Guest:He was all done up.
Guest:He had a hairline that was done as well.
Guest:He's really... Anyway, I'd say when I got a close look because he comes up and me and my wife are terrified because he's one of the scariest little guys I've ever seen.
Guest:He's a peewee.
Guest:Cholo.
Guest:It was just one of the scariest kinds, the Napoleon complex.
Guest:Cholo is the last guy you want to fucking have a run in with.
Guest:So he comes up, and meanwhile we hold each other like, we had a good run, baby.
Guest:2012 style.
Guest:And...
Guest:I had this leg squeeze.
Guest:Me and my wife have a great thing going.
Guest:We've been married for about nine years.
Guest:If we're at a party and I give her a little leg squeeze and she's had too much to drink, she knows that means shut the fuck up, drunkie.
Guest:Time for you to wrap it up.
Guest:So I rub my wife's thumb a little bit saying, Choldo, three o'clock, look alive.
Guest:It turns out he's our son's coach.
LAUGHTER
Guest:That's how he comes up and he goes, my name's Coach Louie.
Guest:Or you can call me Rascal.
Guest:Which I was able later to surmise from that neck tattoo that said Rascal after I got a better look.
Guest:And then the back decal on the back of his maxima that said like Rascuelo.
Guest:And then he goes, so we're terrible.
Guest:We're like, oh my God, these guys are fucking son's coach.
Guest:It's terrible.
Guest:And then he goes, I prepared a snack list.
Guest:I'm like, this Cholo did not prepare a snack class.
Guest:Oh, my God, that's adorable, Cholo.
Guest:And we look at it, and it was perfectly aligned in Microsoft Word tables.
Guest:He left justified in his proper columns, not a default font.
Guest:He didn't use Times New Roman.
Guest:He went and got another font.
Guest:You could tell he was really proud of it.
Guest:And they're like, oh, we're trying to keep it together.
Guest:Like, don't laugh at the Cholo, don't laugh at the Cholo.
Guest:And...
Guest:And we're just barely hanging on when he goes, but one of the kids has a peanut allergy?
Guest:And I'm like, oh, fuck.
Guest:Did not say peanut allergy.
Guest:And he's the worst coach because he just, they don't know anything about coaching.
Guest:They're really passionate.
Guest:They want their kids to do well.
Guest:So they play their kid too much.
Guest:And then you can't say anything about it.
Guest:And then I swear to God, he's gathering the kids.
Guest:And he said, all right, everybody pay attention or you guys are going to have bad dreams.
Guest:And I'm like, no, they're fucking not.
Guest:Don't say that.
Guest:You can't say anything because he'll kill you.
Guest:All magical, ladies and gentlemen.
Marc:Awesome.
Marc:That was awesome.
Marc:You know, usually the live, and just know that I'm still reeling about the Jamaica thing.
Marc:It was just a skid, a brain skid.
Marc:I'm never going to get well on that one.
Marc:This next guy, you know, usually we close the live what the fucks with the dynamic and angry Eddie Pepitone.
Marc:But I don't want to even freak this guy out at all because this guy is equally as inspired and equally as unique to the point where I don't usually understand how deep he is.
Marc:Please welcome to the stage Brody Stevens, ladies and gentlemen.
Thank you.
Marc:For the radio audience, Brody just came out with a bongo and said something mildly Arabic slash Jewish-y.
Guest:I am a Hebrew Christian, by the way.
Marc:Uh-huh, and what does that mean?
Guest:That means I genetically am Jewish, but I didn't go through the bar mitzvah training.
Guest:I didn't go to Hebrew school.
Guest:My father went to church in 1982, took me along for the ride, and helps me connect with the Midwest.
Ha!
Marc:What's your feelings about Portland?
Guest:I like it.
Guest:You know, I've lived three, I've put my time in up in the Northwest, living three years in Seattle, 94 to 97, when Cobain was alive.
Guest:Thank you.
Guest:Worked at the original Red Robin on Eastlake.
Guest:It's now closed from what I heard.
Guest:I like Portland because it's a lot like Seattle.
Guest:It's that same kind of vibe.
Guest:It's actually smaller.
Guest:It's nice.
Guest:I like Portland.
Guest:No problems.
Marc:I'm just interested to know what you're thinking at any given moment.
Marc:I don't want you.
Guest:I'm not a comedian.
Guest:I never grew up wanting to do comedy.
Guest:I still, you know, I probably have a lot of the same thoughts as you have, but I think you're a little more well-read, possibly more patient.
Guest:I don't know.
Guest:But as you know, both of us have families from the Southwest.
Guest:My family is from New Mexico.
Guest:The Pioneering Jews are the Southwest.
Guest:My grandmother was born in Las Vegas, New Mexico, May 2nd, 1909.
Guest:True story.
Guest:My father was born in Phoenix, raised in Los Angeles.
Guest:I also played baseball in college.
Guest:I had a pretty good arm in the Little League.
Guest:I get along with my mother.
Guest:My father passed away.
Guest:But the deal is, I don't walk around going, I'm funny, I'm funny, I'm good.
Guest:People put me on gigs.
Guest:I mean, I haven't been fired yet.
Guest:I'm just lucky not to have a day job.
Guest:I look at it that way.
Marc:Now, what I want to know is Brody Stevens, let's paint a picture.
Marc:Brody Stevens tonight in Bloomington, Indiana.
Marc:Welcome, Brody Stevens.
Marc:What happened?
Guest:Yes.
Guest:Been here.
Guest:Breaking away.
Guest:Great movie.
Guest:Love it.
Guest:Bobby Knight.
Guest:I'll talk to him.
Guest:I'll jump off the cliff.
Guest:I get it.
Guest:John Cougar Mellencamp.
Guest:I'd also research.
Guest:I'd study University of Indiana.
Guest:Mark Cuban went there.
Guest:He owns the Dallas Mavericks and then Isaiah Thomas.
Guest:I could talk with anybody.
Guest:I'll do crowd work.
Guest:I'm not saying I'd be right, but chances are I can make a connection.
Guest:So that's just from research.
Guest:That's from baseball cards.
Guest:That's from a lot of talk radio.
Guest:You know, a lot of people have families.
Guest:I don't.
Guest:I would like to, but it's not like the girls are coming after me.
Guest:So I just focus on comedy.
Guest:And that's why I'm in the number one all-time R-rated comedy.
Guest:You got it.
Guest:The Hangover.
Guest:Yes.
Guest:Positive energy.
Guest:How dare you not laugh.
Guest:How dare you stare at me.
Guest:I'm blue-collar Jewish, man.
Guest:Don't be shocked from the dark hair.
Guest:I've paid my dues in the Northwest.
Guest:Went to school in Arizona, 2.52 GPA.
Guest:Lived in L.A.
Guest:Lived in New York.
Guest:Traveled a van to Chicago, Miami, Oklahoma.
Guest:Saw a big Lebowski in Atlanta.
Guest:If you dare question me, I've done punch-up for the Sklars.
Marc:That was spectacular.
Marc:Thank you, Mark.
Marc:Now, like a general Brody Stevens day, what happens?
Guest:Steven, Brody Stevens.
Guest:I get up.
Guest:Is it Brody Steepen?
Guest:My real name is Steven.
Guest:Everyone calls me Brody, and that's, you know.
Marc:So you're correcting me on the mispronunciation of your fake name?
Guest:Yeah, see, it's not real.
Marc:Okay.
Marc:So what would you rather right now?
Marc:Steven?
Guest:I like when you call me Steven.
Marc:I've never called you that before.
Marc:I'm going to do it right now.
Marc:Steven?
Guest:Yes, Mark?
Marc:How'd that feel to you?
Marc:Did it feel all right?
Guest:Yeah, it feels good.
Guest:That's why I'm going to Steven Brody Stevens.
Guest:It's like Brody Stevens, it's hacky.
Guest:It's not me.
Guest:I cringe when I say it.
Guest:It's funny once in a while, but I've embraced that my name is Steven Brody Stevens.
Marc:But is the second Stevens added, or is that fake?
Marc:Or is it just Steven Brody?
Guest:Well, my middle name is James.
Guest:I respond to, you don't give yourself a nickname.
Guest:You don't go, hey, call me Brody.
Guest:They naturally start calling you.
Guest:I played baseball.
Guest:So they start calling you bro, Brody.
Guest:So I say, hey, comedy, Brody.
Guest:I don't know anything about comedy.
Guest:So I start, I go, Steve Brody's not funny.
Guest:He's a dork.
Guest:He got picked on.
Guest:He's a Jewish guy who played Division I baseball at Arizona State back when it wasn't cool.
Marc:So you've actually, by changing the name, killed this other version of you.
Guest:I actually, yes, you're right.
Guest:And then now I'm almost 40.
Guest:I'm a late bloomer.
Guest:I'll be 40 in May.
Guest:And I'm in numbers, and I feel like the timing's right.
Guest:And with due date coming out in November, I'm all ready to... To be Steven Brody.
Guest:Steven Brody Stevens.
Marc:Wait, is the second Stevens made up?
Guest:Brody protects Steven.
Marc:Am I missing something?
Guest:It just feels better.
Guest:It's like, you know, like nails on a chalkboard, like actually can't like... But what I'm asking you is, it's Stephen Brody Stevens.
Marc:That feels good.
Guest:Oh, it feels right.
Guest:I feel like I'm just... It's good.
Marc:It's good enough.
Marc:But is the second Stevens made up?
Marc:I mean, is your name Stephen Brody?
Guest:Yeah, but it's an homage to that... It's an homage to the trek that I took in Seattle doing open mics.
Guest:I've done Moscow, Idaho.
Guest:I've done...
Guest:Oh my God, I did that gig.
Guest:I've done a guest spot on a triple run.
Guest:The Moscow, Idaho gig.
Guest:Not Moscow, Moscow.
Marc:Moscow, Idaho.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Holy shit.
Marc:That was when the ex-con talked to me after the show.
Marc:Like I did a show up there and some guy started talking to me and he sat me down with his girlfriend and he's like, really liked your show, man.
Marc:I'm like, thanks a lot.
Marc:He goes, I just got out of the can today.
Marc:oh geez yeah and i'm like well that's interesting he's like yeah my girl's from here let's you want us to tell you what's what this city's about so he starts like doing this weird thing where it's like this is where the downtown area is and moscow's got like five fucking people in it right yeah right and then he's like this is where the black people live and this is where the fucking jews are oh and then he looks at me and he's like uh you're not a fucking jew are you same thing happened to me in kingman arizona but what did you say
Guest:I said, yes.
Guest:Really?
Guest:I said, no, fucking Jews.
Guest:Good move.
Guest:People don't like Jews out there.
Guest:They don't like them.
Guest:But Mark, you know what you do?
Guest:It's like, look, we're lucky.
Guest:We just like to be who we are.
Guest:It's like, why are Jews successful?
Guest:I'm not like some pro-Jewish guy, but I'm just looking at statistics.
Guest:It's like Kobe Bryant.
Guest:We got something.
Guest:We won't let... Look at Mark.
Guest:Nobody makes him do this podcast.
Guest:He does it on his own.
Guest:Nobody made Mark go to Jerusalem.
Guest:He did it on his own.
Guest:Nobody made Mark live in San Francisco, live in New York, live in L.A., come back to L.A., come up to Portland, do Tempe.
Guest:Nobody made him do it.
Guest:He did it on his own.
Guest:And he just happens to be of the Jewish faith.
Guest:So am I. Division I baseball, number one comedy of all time.
Guest:Chelsea Lately.
Guest:Chelsea Lately.
Guest:Bongos.
Guest:I walked here.
Guest:Brody Stevens, Brody Stevens, Steven Brody Stevens.
Guest:Enjoy it.
Guest:818 till I die.
Guest:That's our show.
Guest:Bring up the music.
Guest:I'd like to apologize to the country of Jamaica.
Guest:Please send your money to Haiti.
Guest:Go to WTFPod.com or PunchlineMagazine.com.
Guest:Live from the Bridgetown Comedy Festival.
Guest:Good night.
Guest:Good night.
you