Episode 669 - David Spade
Marc:All right, let's do this.
Marc:How are you?
Marc:What the fuckers?
Marc:What the fuck buddies?
Marc:What the fucking ears?
Marc:Happy New Year.
Marc:This is it.
Marc:The first show, the first WTF podcast of 2016.
Marc:It was an okay New Year's for me.
Marc:I hope you guys had a good time.
Marc:I was sleeping at midnight.
Marc:Not because I'm old, but because I was tired and I just spent a quiet night with Sarah and had dinner and watched a documentary on Agnes Martin.
Marc:The painter learned some stuff about truth, abstraction and freedom of mind.
Marc:against the pressures and bullying of the world to find a place where you can express yourself in the purest way possible without interruption or distractions.
Marc:There's a certain beauty to that.
Marc:It's a funny thing about truth.
Marc:It's probably real truth when you find it.
Marc:I would shut up about it.
Marc:Take it and use it the best way you can.
Marc:But God damn it, be quiet about it because real truth, I think, is very quiet.
Marc:And you should savor it before somebody fucking ruins your moment.
Marc:Anyway, Happy New Year.
Marc:A little abstract to myself, it seems, today.
Marc:Look, there's nothing I can do about background sound effects today, I don't think, because I have to be a decent neighbor.
Marc:But it seems that my neighbor Adam has chosen today, today being Sunday.
Marc:I do record these sometimes the day before the morning of the release, because as you know, those of you who are compulsive and a bit obsessive about my show, they'll know it drops somewhere in the middle of the night.
Marc:So I'm not up recording live at three in the morning to deliver this to you, though I would if I had to.
Marc:But Adam seems to have found today to be the right day to clean out his parrot's cage and give the parrot some air out there on the deck next door and also seemingly to play fiddle.
Marc:I had no idea that Adam played fiddle.
Marc:I don't even know if it's Adam, but I didn't want to get involved.
Marc:People need to have the freedom to do what they're going to do.
Marc:And sometimes it's play fiddle on the deck while your parrot squawks with the joy of being out of the house for a few hours.
Marc:So if you hear squawking parrots or somewhat lyrical fiddle playing, that's because it's Sunday out here at the Cat Ranch in Highland Park.
Marc:And that's what what my neighbor is going to do.
Marc:Now, some of you might think, like, why would you put up with that from your neighbor?
Marc:Can't you ask him to quiet it down?
Marc:No.
Marc:You know why?
Marc:Because you've heard me sometimes at the end of this show.
Marc:I tend to play a pretty loud guitar, and I'm fooling myself out here in the garage or in my house if I think that at least two or three or maybe seven of my neighbors don't hear my clunky riffing.
Marc:So there comes a point where...
Marc:You know, you just got to be like, all right, well, I got to do some things that require some silence.
Marc:But today's fiddle day next door and I've got to let freedom reign.
Marc:Today is David Spade Day on the podcast.
Marc:David and I.
Marc:Have not really ever known each other, but certainly we've run in the same circles.
Marc:I've run into him.
Marc:I've met him a few times.
Marc:And quite frankly, I didn't feel like we really got along or perhaps it was all me as usual.
Marc:But we talk a little bit about that.
Marc:You know, he is the type of guy he is.
Marc:And I was sort of amazed.
Marc:at uh i'm not really amazed i mean he's a good guy he's a thoughtful guy i just didn't i don't know people i don't know people and uh i make assumptions and you know he's out with a book he's got a book out it's a memoir it's called uh almost interesting and that's out now and uh it was sort of
Marc:I got a real kick out of it.
Marc:I mean, it was a good talk, but he's a funny guy.
Marc:And that's the way it is.
Marc:So, Mark, another one off the list of people I was uncomfortable and overly sensitive about previously.
Marc:There's still plenty out there, apparently, people.
Marc:So how are the resolutions going, people?
Marc:How is it a few days in?
Marc:How are they going?
Mm-hmm.
Marc:I haven't made any other than to what the regular ones.
Marc:I got to get into shape.
Marc:Maybe I should eat better.
Marc:I got to treat people differently.
Marc:Resolutions.
Marc:I'm going to fucking relax.
Marc:That's what I'm doing.
Marc:I'm going to fucking relax.
Marc:You know, I'm so...
Marc:Like I over the weekend, like literally the day after New Year's, I got caught in a couple of Twitter vortexes.
Marc:And I know I've sworn off it a bit, tried to pull back a bit, but sometimes you get locked in.
Marc:And there's this idea sometimes on Twitter and in life is that you have to engage people.
Marc:Here's the deal.
Marc:The beautiful thing about freedom and the great thing about this country and life and being able to make choices for yourself is that you don't have to fucking engage with anybody you don't want to unless it's your job.
Marc:But like socially or on social networking platforms, it's like I don't have to fucking engage.
Marc:Now, my problem is, is I am sort of compulsive about responding to negativity or I'm easily triggered.
Marc:If you poke me a little bit, just the right insecure, angry nerve, I'll just do it.
Marc:I'm in.
Marc:Now, I've had more success in my real life.
Marc:That I've had on on social networking and also on stage and everywhere else that I'm not easily triggered.
Marc:And, you know, I can make certain decisions about my my anger and my reactions.
Marc:And I do it in real life.
Marc:And, you know, it's the right thing to do.
Marc:But there's this weird expectation by certain types of people on Twitter trolls aside, people with opinions.
Marc:So here's the weird thing is that like if you've got opinions and they're important to your agenda and your ideology, well, why don't you just go do that?
Marc:you know fighting with other people or trying to hit them over the head with your opinion it's not you're not going to get through and you're ultimately just using that person to make your point and you're basically a bullying douchebag you know that that's the weird thing it's not just trolling not just poking but literally like hey man you're wrong man you're you don't know the truth you don't you don't want to face the facts and
Marc:It's just annoying.
Marc:You know, if you have an agenda, go do your agenda.
Marc:But if your agenda involves
Marc:beating up on whoever disagrees with you, then that's sort of a shitty agenda.
Marc:Then you're just a shitty, bullying idiot.
Marc:It's just annoying.
Marc:Go serve your agenda.
Marc:Go be proactive in whatever big ideas you have.
Marc:And if you keep pestering, you're just annoying.
Marc:And it's not that your opinion is so provocative.
Marc:It's just annoying.
Marc:There's a block function in real life.
Marc:It's called gotta go.
Marc:Yeah, no, no, no, no.
Marc:I gotta go.
Marc:That's interesting, but I gotta go.
Marc:Okay?
Marc:But here's what happens if you don't block.
Marc:What?
Marc:Oh, really?
Marc:Okay, okay.
Marc:No, no, I don't really agree.
Marc:Like, why are you following me?
Marc:Why don't you just shut up?
Marc:Oh, Jesus, just shut up.
Marc:La, la, la, la, la, la, la.
Marc:And so many people out there, they're like, hey, man, this is truth.
Marc:This is fact.
Marc:This is free thinking.
Marc:Look, if you're a free thinker, then shut the fuck up.
Marc:Go free think.
Marc:And it's amazing to me how many free thinkers seem to have the same five or six fucking thoughts.
Marc:And they all need each other to have this free thinking mob mentality.
Marc:Yet it's so limited and it's the same fucking thoughts.
Marc:And anybody who's a free thinker really doesn't need to say it that much.
Marc:Because if you really have freedom of mind, you wouldn't fucking talk to anybody because you'd be free.
Marc:Just live the life you want to live.
Marc:It isn't always the same for anybody, but you do have the freedom of mind here to make choices around how you want to live your life.
Marc:Don't let people fucking change it if you don't want it changed or fucking relentlessly annoy you because they just want to win.
Marc:What are they going to win?
Marc:Ha, showed that guy.
Marc:Yeah, man, another victory for the free-thinking mob.
Marc:Tiring.
Marc:I'll tell you, I listened to Cecil Taylor record this morning.
Marc:Listen to some Captain Beefheart sometimes.
Marc:Go out and look at my girlfriend's paintings.
Marc:Look at some Agnes Martin paintings.
Marc:Check in with some Rothko.
Marc:A friend of mine sent me an E.E.
Marc:Cummings poem.
Marc:You know, there's all these places where amazing creativity can take you, you know, above and beyond the blather and the white noise and the fucking death wallowing of the zeitgeist.
Marc:The wheezing fucking death rattle of the cultural zeitgeist that kind of dumps into your brain every day as soon as you turn your fucking computer on.
Marc:It's a new year.
Marc:So I guess that's a broad resolution.
Marc:I'm going to try to not be infected by the death rattle of the cultural zeitgeist.
Marc:There was a voice in my head that said, that's pretentious and affected.
Marc:I'm not even sure it makes any sense.
Marc:Made sense to me in that moment.
Marc:Yes, it did.
Marc:So right now, let's go to my conversation with David Spade, the comedian.
Marc:It was fun.
Marc:It was fun.
Marc:I'm glad we talked.
Guest:You know, when you said you were going to
Marc:Bringing a chair for your back, I thought it'd be something to look more medical.
Marc:That just looks like a fucking dining room chair from the 80s.
Guest:Well, I have a bad neck, and so I just realized if I'm going to sit for up to an hour, I should probably just make sure I sit in something that doesn't drive me nuts because I want to focus on your show and not be squirming.
Marc:What's the history of that chair?
Marc:So you have to sit like that?
Guest:No, any chair.
Guest:It's a problem.
Guest:So this one just sort of feels good.
Guest:I had it around my house.
Guest:This one's not bad.
Guest:You could have managed in that chair, you think?
Guest:No, it would have been a little bit of a strug.
Guest:Well, I went to sushi last night and I always sit at booths, not because I'm King Lear or Goodfellas, but they're squishier and they're lower and then I can't sit on rock hard stuff.
Guest:It hurts my back, whatever.
Guest:It's so boring.
Guest:Wait, when did this problem occur?
Guest:This happened in...
Guest:Like, was it an event?
Guest:It was, chapter four.
Guest:It was in my stupid book.
Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest:It's in there.
Guest:You've done enough press to where you can cite the- No, I don't know what chapter it is.
Guest:But it is in there because it's an embarrassing story and it killed time.
Guest:I was 15 and I was in a talent show and I was in a speech class, a motivational class.
Guest:And basically, you had to be in this to get into the talent show at the end of the year.
Guest:So it was a trick.
Guest:So I got in that.
Guest:But then I learned speaking and they have like an ah meter when you give speeches where if you say ah, um, they ding and they count it.
Guest:So you start to learn how to speak a little better.
Guest:And then we would motivate kids.
Guest:We'd go around other schools to grade schools and motivate them.
Guest:Meanwhile, we're just all stoned and we just try to get out of class.
Marc:But you took a speech class.
Marc:I mean, do you think that somehow or another that helped you ultimately?
Marc:I think so.
Marc:Because I'm shitty with it.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:I can't, you know, I don't speak well.
Marc:Yeah, I was going to talk to you about that.
Marc:Yeah, thank you.
Guest:I have an arm meter here.
Guest:Bing, bing.
Guest:You're already blowing the charts up.
Guest:I thought it was nice because I was never into doing stand-up and a lot of people want to be on Saturday Night Live.
Guest:I mean, we're sort of on a lot of subjects, but...
Guest:I was in high school and I was sort of a smart kid.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Got older, did the speech class because it was like a fun way to meet girls and be in this like talent-ish variety show.
Guest:Right.
Guest:So we'd rip off SNL sketches and stuff.
Marc:Oh, you did them, you actually did an SNL sketch?
Yeah.
Guest:Did like one old Dan Aykroyd bit.
Guest:Not even a famous one.
Guest:That was the variety show?
Guest:That was the talent show?
Guest:Yeah, it was like mostly dancing and mostly girls doing stuff and then the guys that were in drama.
Guest:It wasn't even a drama class, which was a great scam because they didn't want to do plays or they didn't want to be a serious actor.
Guest:I just wanted to go write for the fun stuff.
Guest:And I did write some stuff.
Guest:I actually wrote like me and my buddy as these...
Guest:guys hitting on girls, like ski partners, like these tough guys, and it was just like they were sort of douchebags.
Guest:Ski partners?
Guest:Well, the setting was it, the ski resort, and we had all the ski lift tickets hanging down to the floor, and we're like, hey, Aspen, Aspen, where have I been lately?
Guest:I'm pretty cool.
Guest:That's clever.
Guest:It was my first thing of writing anything.
Guest:And then one, I did a dance number to Macho Man.
Guest:I was just trying to get in more stuff, not because I was super gay, but I was in a dance number to Macho Man, and I was also in gymnastics.
Guest:There's a few red flags in this story, but we're going to skim over it.
Guest:Gymnastics?
Guest:Yeah, I was in gymnastics, just to work out and meet guys.
Guest:Can you do a cartwheel?
Guest:I can do a planche where you put your hands like that and you lay flat.
Guest:It's parallel to the ground and you're sort of on your elbows.
Marc:Could you do a backflip at a time?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:You could.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Was there a period there where you're like, this is my closer.
Guest:I could do parallel bars.
Guest:I could do rings.
Guest:Did you ever think about closing with it?
Guest:No.
Guest:Yeah, but we're starting to hint toward the story.
Guest:All right, go ahead.
Guest:So I was in Macho Man.
Guest:Obviously, that was sort of a, could have been a closer for the whole show.
Guest:It was obviously a great bit.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:We danced too.
Guest:Comedic dance number.
Guest:Sure.
Guest:You're 15?
Guest:15.
Guest:And it was with a bunch of seniors, so it made me look cool to the ladies.
Guest:Sure.
Guest:I keep hinting that I liked ladies, even though no one believed it at this point.
Guest:So I'm in Macho Man.
Guest:I know gymnastics, so me and my brother say, let's do a backflip at the end to sort of cap it off.
Guest:Oh, this is the story.
Guest:It is the story.
Guest:So that day I'm at the pool with my buddy and I'm on grass and I say, I better practice my standing backflip.
Guest:And I do it and I nail it.
Yeah.
Guest:Because it's very scary to do one.
Guest:I bet.
Guest:Just to stand there and try to whip one around.
Guest:I weighed about 115, 120.
Guest:What do you weigh now?
Guest:145, 146.
Guest:I ballooned up to 160 during growing ups and we got into a Val Kilmer area and I don't want to talk about it.
Guest:You're a little punch drunk.
Guest:As Chris Rock told me, he goes, you can't be fat and old.
Guest:You pick one.
Guest:So he goes, but be rich.
Guest:This is if you're ever going to hit on girls.
Guest:So anyway, here I am in high school and before the show starts, I'm backstage and I tell this guy, hey, the show's starting, they're letting everyone in.
Guest:Don't spot me.
Guest:I have to practice.
Guest:So his job is just to watch this disaster.
Guest:So I do a backflip.
Guest:I come out of my talk lingo a little early and I land on my face.
Guest:All my weight, bam, on my face.
Guest:My teeth are loose.
Guest:My face is pouring blood.
Guest:I pop up.
Guest:He's like, are you okay?
Guest:I'm like, not at all.
Guest:I turn and then it's like tunnel vision.
Guest:Hello, darkness, my old friend.
Guest:I go down on one knee.
Guest:Hello, hello.
Guest:Can anybody hear me?
Guest:It was so weird.
Guest:And then they got me backstage.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And in the back of your head when you're a kid, you sort of know you're not supposed to get hurt.
Guest:Like in my family.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Because we didn't have any insurance.
Guest:But I didn't know it.
Guest:But we didn't.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:They would just always go, you're fine.
Guest:You're fine.
Guest:I'm bleeding.
Guest:No, no, no.
Guest:You're all right.
Guest:But the bone's sticking out.
Guest:I don't know.
Guest:A little Bactine.
Guest:My mom had Bactine, which just bought her time.
Guest:It was just like numbing spray with no medicinal purposes.
Guest:So I go backstage.
Guest:And they bring my mom and a doctor back.
Guest:And I don't know who anyone is for an hour.
Guest:So this is a hard hit.
Guest:Concussed.
Guest:Concoosh.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Will Smith better play me one day in the backflip story.
Marc:Did that movie open?
Marc:Did it come and go?
Guest:I think it's still coming.
Guest:I think it's still coming.
Guest:You know, the doctor's like, he's a bit shook up.
Guest:No, he's like from Gunsmoke.
Guest:He doesn't know anything.
Guest:He's not giving me any medicine.
Guest:It's Arizona.
Guest:Yeah, that's him.
Guest:He goes, he's a bit rattled.
Guest:He had his bell rung.
Guest:I'm like, these are things my friends would say.
Guest:I have a category 5,000 concussion.
Guest:If it was the NFL right now, they would stop the game, chopper me out.
Guest:Everyone would be on one knee.
Guest:You know, the other team would be looking out by a timeout.
Guest:And then I finally, the doctor goes, well, you know, take him to the emergency room.
Guest:And she's like, of course.
Guest:And then he says, he leaves.
Guest:And my mom goes, Davey, do you want to go to hospital or pizza hut?
Guest:So...
Guest:I never went to the hospital.
Guest:Pizza Hut had asteroids.
Guest:So I went there to play games.
Guest:I pulled my teeth straight.
Guest:I jammed my retainer on them.
Guest:And it sort of held them in place.
Guest:And by the way, this is no Vicodin.
Guest:This is no pain pills back then.
Guest:I never knew about that stuff.
Guest:So I just roughed it.
Guest:And then my jaw started giving me problems after that.
Marc:You could have had a hemorrhage.
Marc:Anything could happen, and your mom was willing to roll the dice.
Guest:I mean, bless her heart.
Guest:She was broke, and I understand, but I said, I'm okay, I'm okay, because I wanted pizza, but she should have seen through my bullshit.
Marc:When did you start noticing that you remembered people?
Marc:Was it during the Asteroids game?
Marc:It took an hour.
Marc:You knew how to play Asteroids.
Guest:It took an hour.
Guest:Yeah, I knew.
Guest:That came right back.
Guest:Rattled me.
Guest:I love Asteroids.
Guest:I go, who are you, mom?
Guest:Yeah, I got it.
Guest:So I did that and then I got, and then when I started to get comedy into me, I moved to LA.
Guest:I just started going out.
Guest:I started doing standup and stuff, but it started bothering me in my neck.
Guest:And then when I got to LA, I think it was just threw something off.
Guest:in my jaw and then the tension of it like to be quite honest i can't blame it all on that backflip the tension got to me where i start you know people hold their shoulders they get you know stomach aches or it used to be ulcers 10 years ago now it's neck and back chest i can't breathe oh is that what you get yeah like and that's hard like it constricts yeah like a panic yeah i'm old i don't want that because i know that's not graded
Marc:I was surprised, though, because I read enough of the book to feel like I knew something about you.
Marc:Because I don't know you.
Marc:The first time I saw you... I don't know you.
Marc:It's true, though.
Marc:I mean, I see you around.
Marc:Yeah, I see you around.
Marc:It's nice.
Marc:A few years ago, you started to address me by name, which was exciting.
Marc:But I remember the first... I don't know.
Marc:You knew who I was before.
Marc:Because when I came out here to do... I'll always remember this, because I came out here to do Evening at the Improv.
Marc:It must have been like 91 or something, right?
Marc:Shut up.
Marc:and i didn't live here so for me it was a big deal it was like my second tv shot and like i flew out that's a big deal right and then i ran into you and and you literally like if i'm thinking about it correctly it might have just been like a spot at the improv that was still important to me it was the santa monica improv but you're like what's just a fucking improv what are you what are you all freaked out about shut up really because my attitude is different
Guest:My attitude in the book, like, I was so excited.
Guest:If I was jaded after two years, that's horrifying.
Marc:Well, you just, like, I was freaking out, and you were like, what do you... I was that two years before.
Guest:I remember Alan Covert, Sandler's buddy, well, my buddy, was managing it then.
Guest:And I was, I'd love the Santa Monica Improved.
Guest:I think maybe...
Guest:I said that possibly because it was Santa Monica improv, not the Melrose improv.
Marc:Right, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest:Still a huge deal.
Marc:But your attitude about it, to me, because I didn't live here, and I think if you spend time here, and these are your clubs, you give a different, sort of like, I'm just going to go to a spot.
Marc:For me, I'm like, I'm being from New York, and I'm doing a thing here.
Guest:And you're like, what are you?
Guest:Because I was enamored by the New York clubs, but I couldn't get in any of them.
Marc:But when did that, how long have you been out here, if that was like 91, 90?
Guest:Yeah, no, even, yeah, right around then, 89.
Guest:That's when you got here?
Guest:I got here probably 87.
Guest:Right.
Guest:And then I bounced around and couldn't get into the comedy store.
Guest:Louie Anderson got me an audition.
Guest:And Mitzi goes, I'll let you go.
Guest:Smoke shakes your head.
Guest:Nah, not this guy.
Guest:And so Louie goes, I tried.
Guest:And he's like, now it's your turn.
Guest:I'm like, huh?
Guest:But he goes...
Guest:He goes, I got Rob Schneider audition.
Guest:He ran around my house in his underpants.
Guest:That's what he said to me.
Guest:I never asked Rob about that.
Guest:I go, what did that mean?
Guest:What is that?
Guest:I go, is that what?
Guest:By the way, if I got the spot, there'd be a better chance of favors back.
Guest:But I was like, hey, take it easy.
Guest:And he's like, ah, okay.
Guest:Then the funny boys, comedy team.
Guest:Do you remember the funny boys?
Marc:Yeah, Jim Valley and the other one.
Marc:Schmack.
Marc:Schmack, yeah.
Guest:They saw me and they were very nice.
Guest:I opened for them at the San Diego Improv.
Guest:And that day we hung out, we were all laying out at the condo in San Diego.
Guest:And they were like, you're new from Arizona?
Guest:Yeah, yeah.
Guest:And they go, you know what you do?
Guest:Do a year in New York and then come to L.A.
Guest:They had it figured out.
Guest:And the nicest thing they did is they gave me this whole speech about how that's what I should do.
Guest:And I did my set that night.
Guest:I think I middled or something.
Guest:I came off stage and they were going on and they go, go to LA now.
Guest:They told me before they went on stage, they go, you're ready.
Guest:I was like, oh my God, great.
Guest:So that got me to go and I stayed on Jim's couch.
Guest:So you skipped New York altogether?
Guest:I skipped New York, and I wouldn't even have any plan in New York.
Guest:I'd done one-nighters there, and no one was really biting.
Guest:I never really killed.
Guest:I couldn't... It's a whole different fucking... It's a whole vibe.
Marc:Well, that whole thing of sort of doing nine sets a night and running around and waiting until two in the morning.
Marc:Yes.
Marc:It is a good training thing, but, I mean, if you've already got some chops, I mean, I...
Guest:if you can avoid that why not well i'm such a arizona guy so i'm a west coast guy i don't really love new york like everyone does and i sound like an asshole saying that but just it's just not the way i grew up and i and everyone uh is so enamored by it i'd like to visit but when you're broke it's just not a great time you know and if you're if you live there all your life i get it you know the streets you know the haunts always you bop to these clubs it's sort of a romantic coolness like you're doing five sets a night i'm like
Guest:i've never done more than one set a night probably in my life i go where the improv in the laugh factory like i see whitney buzzing around in a range rover sure she'll do a set on the corner if yeah there's a i go whitney just relax your special was last night she goes i gotta do another one i go oh fuck you're back you're in there again yeah she works hard she's ball busted she works hard she's good she's funny
Marc:All right.
Marc:So I had made all these misassumptions about you.
Marc:You know, I didn't know how you grew up.
Guest:Oh, yeah.
Guest:Give me a little break.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:No.
Marc:Right.
Marc:I mean, like I was like, this guy seems to where do you get all this cockiness?
Marc:He must be, you know, but it was like fucking rough, dude.
Marc:I mean, like, I have empathy.
Marc:Like, I didn't, you know, I had no empathy for you at all.
Guest:No, yeah, no one does.
Guest:I mean, everyone hates me to start with.
Guest:And then I try to win them over.
Guest:But people used to say that about, like, they go, oh, I think you date girls, or that's the idea.
Guest:And then they think you're an asshole.
Guest:And I go, I get it.
Guest:Because I saw Ryan Seacrest was going on like Julianne Hough.
Guest:I'm like, I hate that fucking guy.
Guest:Immediately.
Guest:And I knew him a little bit and liked him and then I switched.
Guest:Right.
Guest:And then he had some other... I'm like, God, fuck him.
Guest:So I think that's the natural reaction to anybody.
Marc:But also your comic persona is a little... I know.
Marc:It's heavily boundaried.
Marc:It's all horrible.
Marc:What does that mean?
Marc:Well, it just means that when you do jokes, you have a...
Marc:Your style, which is sarcastic, and your character's a little smug, right?
Marc:So you make assumptions that the guys just really like that.
Marc:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Marc:And you kind of keep people at arm's length.
Marc:You don't seem like you would entertain fools gladly, and you were not the most accessible cat in the world.
Marc:Yeah, I guess.
Marc:That does make sense.
Marc:I mean, what a dick.
Marc:No, no, but you were an endearing dick that made a tremendous amount of money off of being a dick.
Guest:Well, I mean, I think when I look back, I was a little more...
Guest:full of myself during that just shoot me time just because it was fun and i got on a show and i had some money and i running around and a couple guys you write for my show wrote on that yeah oh okay yeah jamming and glaring oh yeah i know this too michael and sievert sievert yeah love it yeah those guys are great just shoot me was sort of a good ground for i think that they would have good memories of that it was uh
Marc:Yeah, no, they're great.
Marc:They do have good memories.
Marc:But let's go back.
Marc:So it's Tucson?
Marc:No.
Marc:Scottsdale.
Marc:So you're out in Scottsdale or sort of outside of Scottsdale?
Guest:Yeah, I grew up in, born in Michigan.
Guest:The dad took me out.
Guest:You know, we all went out there to the three boys.
Guest:Who was his dad?
Guest:do you talk to him you know lately it's been very tough because he left us as kids he started the quick version he started showing up here and there but now you know the rough things are like being by the door you can't text you can't call as the old days you had to wait for the hard line to ring
Guest:and the call on Monday, like, yeah, I'm gonna pick the kids up Friday and take them out.
Guest:And we'd stand by the door at three, four o'clock with our bags, five o'clock, and then my mom would go, let's just order a pizza, and knowing he fucking blew us off again.
Marc:And that was tough.
Marc:And she kept to buffer it.
Guest:And she would buffer it, and she wouldn't trash him.
Marc:So wait, you come from Michigan, how old are you?
Marc:Four.
Marc:And they move, and then they just marriage in quotes?
Guest:Yeah, I'm like, could you at least leave her in Michigan?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Now move her to where she knows nothing.
Guest:Took her out of her last year of college, and she was a smart writer, and she didn't graduate because he goes, no, no, you don't need that.
Guest:You don't need that.
Guest:What did he do?
Guest:He was a salesman.
Guest:He's out there fucking five martini lunches and fucking everyone and just, like, scamming his way through.
Guest:He's a big bullshitter, so it worked.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:Advantage.
Guest:So he's a hustler.
Guest:Got by.
Guest:Never made a lot of money.
Guest:Always a sales job.
Guest:Never like a steady paycheck.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Always commish.
Guest:So he got out there and he's like, yeah, Arizona's a drag.
Guest:He said he had a job.
Guest:So we all moved out there.
Guest:Then he goes, I don't and fuck off.
Guest:So he started fucking everyone within a mile of the house.
Guest:Like my mom's hearing about all this.
Guest:And I was like,
Guest:You know, I was four.
Guest:Didn't really get what was going on.
Guest:But we're like, where's dad?
Guest:He's the best.
Guest:So he would show up later in years and he would pick us up in a dune buggy and we thought he was so fucking cool.
Guest:Showboat.
Guest:Meanwhile, my mom lately is like smoking going, do you ever think that maybe a 42-year-old guy in a dune buggy isn't the coolest guy in the world?
Guest:I go, yeah, right?
Guest:Well, it was cool to us.
Guest:So he goes, that's what he's picking up his dates in.
Guest:Do you understand?
Guest:A dune buggy.
Guest:He's a fucking asshole.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:so i liked him because he's my dad right so i kept trying to win him over or whatever i did and then my brother got famous he got tons of money which one andy andy started the kate spade stuff he was in advertising he started the and then you have the he's the middle brother yeah and then brian's the oldest and he had trouble with it and he always was uh with your old man
Guest:Yeah, because he was the most aware.
Guest:Being the man of the house at fucking 10, the responsibility, I'm sure, burdened him, but he got in trouble with the police, didn't like the stepdad when that happened, fought him, physically had problems with it.
Guest:What was that guy like?
Guest:Diametrically opposite.
Guest:Very smart, went to Duke, a doctor, very responsible, not great looking, but a nice, decent person trying to take care of my mom.
Marc:But he had problems, like the thing in the book, is that true?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:The Vietnam thing?
Mm-hmm.
Guest:I mean, I didn't know.
Guest:He would show me x-rays of nails and heads and all this shit.
Guest:I'm like, I'm seven, guy.
Guest:Like, give me a nerf.
Guest:You know what I mean?
Guest:He would literally lay out all these photos because he was, I guess it's PST or whatever.
Guest:Yeah, PTSD.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:It was definitely four letters because, but we didn't have a name for it then.
Guest:We just thought he was a little cuckoo.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And weird.
Guest:And he came out, he was a medic in the army, so he saw it all.
Guest:It definitely affected him.
Guest:Twelve pack of cooers, tall boys a day.
Guest:Go into the emergency room like that where my mom would go, I got to call it in and stop him sometimes because he could be buzzed, but he'd fall down and she's like, you're not going to operate on people.
Guest:It was so weird.
Guest:Oh my God.
Guest:So weird because he was the on-call doctor.
Marc:What was the flashback thing though?
Guest:The flashback thing was he was...
Guest:He gave us all guns for Christmas.
Guest:He gave me a shotgun shell reloader.
Guest:Again, I wanted like a skateboard.
Marc:So like that thing that you load shells with?
Guest:Yeah, pop out the primer, pop out the wad, put the stuff.
Guest:And we'd collect our shells after we'd go dove hunting or quail hunting.
Guest:And I was 10 and put them all in my bag and I'd go home and fix them all.
Guest:And I had a sawed off shotgun.
Guest:I had a deer rifle.
Marc:You had a sawed off for quail?
Marc:That seems like cheating.
Guest:Sawed off just for fun.
Guest:Well, quail, I realized later it wasn't a big score.
Guest:Like I look at hunting now and go, if you see a deer and you got them in your sights, let's say you killed it.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I mean, do you have to pull the trigger?
Guest:Because he's falling down.
Guest:He's just standing there.
Guest:It's like shooting a barn.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:So I was quail hunting, dove hunting, and then... But quail hunting is sort of like, whoa, and you got a snapping axe.
Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest:It runs across.
Guest:We skeet shooting all that.
Guest:But he gave us all guns, and then what he would do is he'd have flashbacks in the night of the war.
Guest:So he'd wake us up, and he had his helmet on.
Guest:It was so weird.
Guest:Again, I didn't think it was that weird.
Guest:I thought it was fun.
Marc:Didn't he look crazed or you thought he was just playing?
Guest:I don't know if he's drunk or flashbacks.
Guest:He would wake us all up and say, come on, come on.
Guest:Like we were in the army.
Guest:And he'd go, we're looking for these guys.
Guest:And we'd all have a gun.
Guest:He'd have a gun and we'd just walk around.
Guest:Real guns.
Guest:Real guns.
Guest:And when he, the funny thing was when he left, my mom had to take care of three boys.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And all these stories make my mom sound bad, but she was great.
Guest:But, you know, there's only so much you can do without putting us into, you know, foster care.
Guest:So some days when she worked and she couldn't handle it, she would drive us out to the desert and drop us with our guns.
Guest:So we had something to do and a canteen and bullets like banditos and a lunch and backteen in case everything went wrong and pick us up seven miles away at a Chevron station when she got off work.
Guest:So for eight hours, we are shooting rabbit, squirrels.
Marc:Didn't matter.
Guest:Rattlesnake, anything.
Guest:Bottles.
Guest:And then we take a neighbor with us or something.
Guest:And the fact that everything went smoothly, it was fine.
Guest:That's amazing.
Guest:I mean, that could go sideways on you quickly.
Guest:But we had a quarter to call her if she didn't show up.
Guest:And it worked perfectly.
Guest:And she did it.
Guest:Not a lot, but a couple times, and we loved it.
Guest:And I look back, and people go, it's pretty odd, but I go, I guess, but it didn't seem that way.
Marc:Well, how old was your oldest brother?
Marc:I mean, someone was sort of in charge.
Marc:He was about 14, yeah.
Marc:Yeah, I mean, that's grown up, right?
Marc:It was like the outsiders.
Guest:Yeah, with a gun.
Guest:By the way, back then with no cell phones, he shoots me, and there's a good 10-hour lag time before someone gets to me, you know?
Guest:He's got to get all the way seven miles away, then hopefully find his quarter.
Yeah.
Guest:What did he end up doing?
Guest:He does construction, and he had a tougher uphill battle.
Guest:Chip on his shoulder about the old man?
Guest:Yeah, that, and then he got in trouble, so it was hurting jobs, and then... But he's sort of construction all his life, and he does fine now.
Guest:We all got along.
Guest:We had trouble in the middle, because...
Guest:You know, the dad was a little bit of a boozy Susie, and so was the grandpa.
Marc:Your real dad.
Guest:My real dad and my real grandpa, and so it's in our family.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:And my stepdad ultimately killed himself, but I didn't put this in the book.
Guest:On purpose?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:He tried to once and shot a hole in the roof.
Guest:Really?
Guest:At your house?
Guest:Yeah, my mom said he was cleaning it or something, which I bought immediately.
Guest:And then she told me later, when he did die, that he was trying then.
Guest:But she told me just two weeks ago that, you know, his father killed himself and his father.
Marc:Oh, my God.
Guest:And his brother.
Guest:So I go, Mom, these are like, on the first date, this is like red flags.
Guest:What's the over-under on suicides in your family?
Guest:Is it three?
Guest:And so I said, Mom, did you know that?
Guest:It's so weird.
Guest:And did she?
Guest:She said she didn't.
Marc:She found out while they were married, and I was like, oh.
Marc:It's fascinating to me when that runs in families.
Marc:Alcoholism, fine, but just sort of like killing yourself because there's a choice there.
Guest:He was depressed, which depression is something that, again, they didn't know much about, and now they take it a little more seriously.
Guest:But that's why all the booze and the self-medicating.
Guest:But we all get depressed, but I guess when you're like that seriously down and that seriously whatever it is,
Guest:And he was really nice to me.
Guest:He was very smart.
Guest:He got me into chess.
Guest:He got me into speaking German.
Guest:He got me into all these things because I was the most malleable.
Guest:Practical language.
Guest:Practical when I lived four inches from the Mexico border.
Guest:I go, what about Spanish?
Guest:He goes, that's going to come and go.
Guest:That's a fad.
Guest:I go, are you sure?
Guest:German is forever.
Guest:So I knew German.
Guest:That went away a year later.
Guest:I don't know.
Guest:It's not helping me.
Guest:But you got along with him.
Marc:Got along with him.
Guest:He was good for you.
Guest:Good for me growing up.
Guest:And then...
Guest:Went off.
Guest:Then my dad started coming back more.
Guest:And now to this day, you know, I bought him a condo.
Guest:My brother bought him.
Guest:My brother made so much money.
Guest:So we were just taking turns with taking care of him and my mom.
Guest:And then I started to fade out on lately.
Guest:And I think it's because I had a daughter.
Guest:Where's the daughter?
Guest:Mine honestly was not planned.
Guest:She's in Missouri.
Guest:And she's great.
Guest:And I'm really glad it happened, but it was an unusual circumstance.
Guest:It wasn't planned.
Guest:It was someone I dated a little bit.
Marc:Did you know that you had the kid?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:She told me.
Marc:Was it bad at the first?
Marc:Oh, and TMZ.
Marc:Was it bad at first?
Marc:I mean, was it one of those things where it's like you felt it was a trick of some kind?
Guest:I didn't know.
Guest:And this girl, and I've gotten to know her better, obviously, over the years.
Marc:Was it really dating or just a one night thing?
Guest:We'd gone out probably.
Guest:She lived out of town, so she would come in and hang out, and she had to do stuff here.
Guest:And so maybe we went out like five different times.
Guest:So it was definitely not... We weren't talking marriage.
Guest:We weren't talking kids.
Guest:It was none of that.
Guest:It was just it came up.
Guest:And, you know, in that situation, it hasn't come up.
Guest:So I thought, well, you have to do the right thing.
Guest:You have to do what you're supposed to do.
Guest:And she was a little rough on me at the beginning with the tabloids and the leaking stuff, but...
Guest:you know, over the years it's leveled out and we have a nice situation now.
Marc:You have a relationship with this kid?
Guest:I'm seeing Harper in, you know, four days.
Guest:She's coming out right after Christmas.
Guest:How old?
Guest:She's just seven.
Guest:Wow.
Guest:So she's great.
Guest:Pretty recent.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And...
Guest:i don't know if you've been in that situation but it's very haven't it sounds terrifying because it's when it's on the internet like right after you're told it's i don't even know how to get my ducks in a row i don't know how to alert my family i don't alert girls i've dated it's just because it but that one rocks people but you didn't know about it i didn't know till i mean she was pregnant oh she told me when she was two and a half three weeks pregnant
Marc:And did that come at you like a threat?
Marc:Well, what are you going to do?
Marc:I need money, whatever.
Guest:It was sort of like, no, it was just, I'm doing this and hope you'll do the right thing.
Guest:And I was like, wow.
Guest:My only concern was I said, can you wait?
Guest:the three months that people wait to announce these things because you never know and I said it will give me a second to get my fucking head together because this is pretty overwhelming I wasn't mean I wasn't saying hey fuck you I was just saying okay not my perfect situation but I don't want to be a fucking asshole about this this is like a test to see if I'm a good guy
Marc:Actually, even if you were gonna be an asshole, which you weren't, when it's handled that way.
Guest:Well, I felt bullied and I've talked to her about it and again, we get along now and I don't wanna slam her.
Guest:I just think she was under the influence of her mother and I didn't think in hindsight the mother was great for the situation because I think she was being steered and she's a nice Midwestern girl.
Guest:So I don't know what the situation was, but it happened.
Guest:We figured it out.
Guest:And in those situations, you just start doing the right thing fast.
Guest:I started paying child support four months in.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Before the test.
Guest:Right.
Guest:I just said, OK, if this is it, I'm starting.
Guest:And if this is whatever, whatever, I'm not believe me, I'm not a fucking great guy.
Guest:But I was like, this is what I should do.
Guest:And my mom is a great person.
Guest:She's like, here's what you do.
Guest:What, pay?
Guest:You're there for her, you call her, you make sure everything's okay.
Guest:Oh, geez, that's heavy, man.
Guest:And it's hard because since then I was dating someone else and they're like, it's like getting married, it's like such a bombshell.
Guest:to someone that you liked in the past or you might have a future with, that you were serious with, that you're like in there.
Guest:So it really hurts feelings across the board and puts a weird spin on everything in your life.
Marc:When it happened, just out of curiosity, as an A-list celebrity, certainly someone who everyone knows,
Marc:When you get that information and it's starting to leak in what seems like an unmanageable way.
Marc:Yes, for sure.
Marc:What do you go to advice?
Marc:Like publicists, what do you do?
Marc:Obviously, it's not a manageable situation because it was handled the way it was handled.
Marc:I mean, how do you get advice on that?
Guest:Well...
Guest:I don't know.
Guest:I guess I asked my mom.
Guest:I did ask my PR lady and say, I mean, there's nothing anyone can do.
Guest:It's me.
Guest:It's my fault.
Guest:It is what it is.
Guest:It's all very black and white.
Guest:I just have to take the hits now of people judging me and saying, you're a fucking asshole and what are you doing?
Marc:But are you an asshole?
Marc:See, that's the weird thing about that.
Guest:It's like- Well, because I wasn't married.
Guest:It wasn't like, and they're like, ugh, your lifestyle caught up to you, whatever.
Marc:But listen- But that's not even fucking it.
Marc:It's so fucked up, isn't it?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Because this shit happens all the time to guys at all levels.
Marc:It's got nothing to do with lifestyle.
Guest:And since then, it's even worse.
Guest:Like, you know, Sean Kemp has nine kids.
Guest:These people, everyone has-
Guest:Five kids with nine different chicks.
Guest:It's unreal.
Guest:And it's just sort of just the thing now.
Guest:But for me, my personal life, I've never dealt with it.
Guest:I was like, wow.
Guest:And can I handle this because I'm not good?
Guest:Obviously, I hadn't been married at that point.
Guest:And that feels very overwhelming to me to be married.
Guest:And that's quite honestly probably the big stickler of why I don't do it because I don't want to disappoint someone and bail out like my dad did or just something like that.
Guest:So I get nervous about it.
Guest:But a kid is...
Marc:Even more serious, you know what I mean?
Marc:Right.
Marc:But you had money, thank God.
Marc:And, you know, in a way, and you could take care of the kid and make them comfortable and try to show up.
Marc:I mean, you know, it's great that you built a relationship with the kid.
Marc:You know, it's funny that Drake say that this comedian gave me- I remember Drake.
Guest:Jesus Christ.
Guest:He gave me this great joke where he goes, you know, I don't know if I'll ever get a tattoo.
Guest:I could picture getting married and having kids, but a tattoo is so permanent.
Yeah.
Guest:Oh, you remember Drake?
Marc:I mean, that was so sad.
Marc:Drake and I were old buddies, yeah.
Marc:He killed himself.
Marc:Yeah, I know.
Marc:Like years ago.
Guest:Years ago.
Guest:Is this a rumor that he put post-it notes for the paramedics saying body this way?
Guest:I don't know.
Marc:Did you ever hear that?
Guest:I did hear it.
Guest:It's crazy, man.
Guest:How old are you?
Guest:You my age?
Guest:He was a funny fucker.
Guest:Younger?
Guest:51.
Marc:52.
Marc:That's horrible.
Marc:God, we've seen so... Dude, who did I talk to?
Guest:Why are we not killing ourselves?
Marc:I don't feel like killing myself.
Marc:Who was it that just told the fucking...
Marc:The Frankie Bastille story.
Marc:What's that story?
Marc:You were the guy in the car with somebody one night in New York.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:And it was like your first night in New York.
Marc:Richie Voss.
Marc:It was Voss.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:And those stories in the book and I don't say who it was.
Guest:Oh, he talked.
Guest:He sang like a canary.
Marc:A little bit.
Marc:What did he say?
Marc:Well, he was on the show and he said a comedian from Arizona.
Marc:And I knew who it was, but he didn't say.
Marc:He didn't say your name.
Marc:But what did he say they did?
Marc:Because maybe it's a different story.
Marc:Well, no, he said that, you know, you needed a ride somewhere and they offered you a ride and they both had to go ski.
Marc:Rich had to score crack and Frankie had to score heroin.
Marc:And you'd never forget.
Marc:That is the story.
Guest:I was shitting.
Guest:I was scared.
Guest:I mean, I'd done cola and I'd done the pot.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:But I was 21 or something.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I was in New York, which is scary anyway, and we were doing road gigs that Gary Grant booked.
Guest:Remember this guy?
Guest:Mm-hmm.
Guest:Like a BF Packies, or you just, you go to the in front of me, you drive somewhere.
Guest:This is all foreign to me.
Guest:I mean, I was driving with some guy that was 35 once.
Guest:I'm like, if I'm fucking doing this shit at 35, blow my brains.
Guest:And he took me to some gig, and then I had Frankie Bastillo and- Frankie.
Guest:Hey, man!
Guest:Yeah, and they go- He's dead.
Guest:Yeah, one of them had a joke.
Guest:Goofus and Gallant.
Guest:Goofus kicks his mom down a flight of stairs and Gallant fucks her when she's unconscious.
Guest:I'm like, is that a joke?
Guest:That's gotta be Frankie.
Guest:I go, I was writing my little crummy jokes about Safeway and Ralph.
Marc:Frankie used to, in the middle of his set go, remember the first time your mom caught you shooting heroin in your cock?
Guest:that is him charmer um he he they were going to buy uh crack and uh fucking heroin and then you know these gigs like 75 bucks so i guess it's a good score but yeah i was debating whether i should take a cab home from the improv or a subway because that was my big splurge and they go if you wake up with the money from your gig in your pocket the next day you know you fucked up i'm like what
Guest:These are my words to live by from New York?
Guest:From the road comics.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:Learn the lessons.
Guest:No security, no safety net of any kind.
Guest:They must have loved me.
Guest:I had long white blonde hair and I had a little, my mom's honeymoon bag full of props.
Marc:that's how you were props yeah well frankie used to he'd get young guys to babysit him and give money like he'd like you know he'd sort of turn out these young comics with the big wisdom and then they'd end up driving in places there was a few dudes like lord corette and uh but straight
Marc:no no straight yeah but like sort of like come on man i'm the buddha yeah and uh you got any money like one time he said you want to come down the cayman islands with me to open and i'm bringing my kid who i don't know that well i'm like i'm not gonna go be mommy oh is that what he wanted oh well it just sort of like it just seemed a little more loaded than i was already saying yes in my head i'm like i would have gone yeah but then i would have been tricked so okay so now we so your brother made some coin with the purses
Marc:And you guys did all right, and now you have a relationship with this daughter, which is sweet.
Guest:Right, and I think the point was, I didn't mean to blab about that whole thing, but... I didn't know if you talked about it.
Guest:I don't want to talk about it much, because just... I don't talk about it in the book either, because in the future...
Guest:I didn't want to have her hear something or read something.
Marc:Well, it seems to me, oddly, given the circumstance, just by feeling the tone of your voice now, that you are sort of prepared for it and you're looking forward to it and you're showing up for it.
Marc:And that's a nice thing.
Guest:Well, I like that.
Guest:And what I was ultimately getting to is my father.
Guest:This whole thing started when you said, have you talked to him?
Guest:How do you get along?
Guest:He was a fun guy.
Guest:He was a good guy.
Guest:Still is.
Guest:He's a nice guy.
Guest:I definitely got a lot of humor from him and my mom, but he's very loose in his feet, obviously a little bit of a scamp skirt chaser.
Guest:But he got older, and he kept always wanting stuff from us and wanting stuff from him, and I always would take care of him, take care of him.
Guest:But he had a hold on me like that where when Harper was born, I started going, wait, you wanted three kids, and you got married, and you tried, and you bailed like...
Guest:I couldn't even call you if I was sick.
Guest:And I always thought, just as a normal person, if Harper, this isn't my ideal situation.
Guest:But I can't think that she couldn't call me or say, do you have any resources?
Guest:If I had 100 bucks, she can have 20.
Guest:I should say 50.
Guest:She can have 10 of it.
Guest:You know, I would help a little bit, or if he would do that, it would have meant the world.
Guest:But he didn't, and I started to get a little, I can just tell in the last two, three years, I'm getting a little mad about it, and I see him less and less because it makes me furious that no alimony, no child support the whole time.
Guest:If I miss two days, I'm going to hear about it.
Guest:You know what I mean?
Guest:And I don't want to.
Guest:I want to make sure she's okay and the school and the things she needs to do.
Guest:And it's not all money.
Guest:It's just the fact I like seeing her.
Guest:I like talking to her.
Guest:It is weird.
Guest:I don't see her all the time, but I try to work and do my best with the situation.
Guest:But at least I'm in the game.
Guest:He was just like, so I start getting mad about it.
Marc:It comes up now.
Guest:Yeah, and I see him less, because I'm like, okay, so I do have a kid, and Andy has a kid, and you don't really give, and I didn't let her meet him.
Marc:No, my brother hates when my dad's around.
Guest:Because I said, I don't want this influence.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:It's a weird thing, because the only dad thing I did was say I don't want her to.
Marc:Meet her grandfather?
Guest:Because he kept going, bring her up, bring her up.
Guest:I'm like, nah.
Guest:Where is he?
Guest:Is he around?
Guest:He's in Santa Barbara.
Guest:Oh, he's here.
Guest:We put him up.
Guest:I think Andy pays for it now, but we take turns.
Guest:But he puts him up and then he goes, I don't want to be in this fleabag retirement home.
Guest:He's like, all right, I'll get you a nice one.
Guest:But his whole life, he's like just kicking himself upstairs.
Guest:He gets better stuff and better.
Guest:He got a private doctor at his house.
Guest:Andy goes, how the fuck he talked me into getting a private doctor when he could just go to the goddamn clinic?
Guest:You guys still want his approval.
Guest:It's something it must be.
Guest:It's wild.
Guest:It's wild.
Guest:All right, so props.
Guest:i had a i had a little tiny xylophone from play school for my jeopardy bit so i go bing bing bing i just realized dennis miller really talked me out of him because he started with him yeah yeah i think he did he doesn't talk about that a lot but he do you still friends with him yeah because like he it seems to me that you were for a while there like uh minnie miller
Guest:I did.
Guest:I was influenced by Miller.
Guest:Even Kevin Nealon.
Guest:I don't really tell him that much, but he was sort of dry throwaway jokes.
Guest:I was emceeing at the improv a lot.
Guest:When you emcee, it sucks because you're there all night.
Guest:But you do get to see these guys.
Guest:And you get to see.
Guest:You know more about comics than I do right now because you see them all the time.
Guest:And now that I just started hanging out with Adam Egot, he says, come down a lot.
Guest:I never got past the store, so I never...
Guest:Have done sets there ever in my life.
Guest:Isn't it great, though, that now you can just walk in?
Guest:Well, now it's close, and it's- Right, and it's a good room now.
Guest:It's great.
Guest:Did it last night, yeah.
Marc:Yeah, the main room's great.
Marc:The OR's great.
Marc:I mean, people are coming.
Marc:It's better than the improv there, because a lot of rubbernecking at the improv, and I don't even know who's in charge over there.
Marc:I don't even know how those shows are.
Guest:It's good I knew one guy.
Guest:You know, Adam.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I gave him a part in Joe Dirt.
Guest:He's a nice kid, and then he's like, yeah, come down.
Guest:So I was going to ask you to come, because I did a night there.
Marc:Oh, yeah?
Guest:Who came?
Guest:It was Dana Carvey.
Guest:from norm mcdonald wow that's a big night and bill burble we were gonna maybe need another guy and i was gonna ask you because i'd be fun that would have been fun but i didn't want to make you drive in did it pack it was packed out it was great it was really fun and dana was killing it and it's great because he does bush and does all these things but now he's got trump yeah so it's like very present he's got one huh he's got a trump and he doesn't yeah yeah anything he says bomb these motherfuckers it's already funny anyway so he just does trump a little bit everyone's like wow
Guest:Just waiting to laugh.
Guest:Oh, man.
Guest:So he's doing all right, huh?
Guest:He's doing good.
Guest:He's doing a special, a Netflix one.
Guest:And he's from the old school.
Guest:When I started SNL, he was the best guy there.
Guest:And I was there sort of light a fire.
Guest:And I was sort of an apprentice Dana, like a not as good Dana.
Guest:And one horrible thing happened to me.
Guest:I was, you know, when Perot came along, I couldn't get on the show.
Guest:I was having trouble getting on.
Guest:And Adam Sandler was getting on and Farley.
Guest:Everyone else, and I'm like, God.
Guest:i need a break but dana's staying they kept saying he's leaving and he kept staying so there was too much you know if there's an impression i could do dana can do it better so and he's a vet so if the guy looked like macho man camacho sandler doesn't yeah if it looks like me dana doesn't so i have to wait you know and so then perot came along and i go ross perot sounds hilarious now dana's doing bush and phil hartman does clinton
Guest:And I go, I want to do Perot.
Guest:And they go, I don't think so.
Guest:I don't think so.
Guest:Then they did a political special primetime, which is a big deal.
Guest:They go, Lauren goes, can you do Perot for us?
Guest:I was like, fuck yes.
Guest:So I go down.
Guest:I get my 45 minutes of bald cat makeup.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And they introduce us.
Guest:Bush comes out.
Guest:Phil Spade comes out as Perot.
Guest:Applause.
Guest:We do our speaking.
Guest:And then when they get to Perot, they go, hold.
Guest:All right, Dana, can you get into Perot?
Guest:Thanks, David.
Guest:i was there for a wide shot no one just told me like snl is a place that no one wants to tell you bad news it travels slow like don't say your sketch is so it was a wide shot so he could do both so he could do both and he was great at pro which is even worse because it burned my onion that i was like i guess he's better but how did dennis talk you out of props he just said you know you're on the
Guest:he liked my act which meant a lot to me yeah one time the the two things of advice one he said i'd weed out the props i had a tom petty hat and he goes you still sleep with that thing and i was like because he saw me carrying it into a gig once he goes oh fuck no he goes where's the suitcase i go i'm just down to this he goes you don't need anything and i was like he goes just talk and then one time i saw him in open forum and uh
Guest:he goes you weren't as good this time and i go well i i'm not getting invited back to these road clubs as much because i'm not killing so i'm trying to write stuff that does better and he's like oh that's the worst thing you can do he goes just do what you do it's pretty funny and and it's easier to write without that middle step of like well they think it's funny just write what you think is funny right and if it doesn't work then just quit you shouldn't do it i was like oh well that was a surprise ending
Guest:So I go, oh.
Guest:And it did wake me up because I liked him so much that I thought, this guy fucking knows how to write.
Guest:So I turned into like a research paper of your favorite comics.
Guest:I think a lot of people do.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I liked Eddie Murphy, but I was never going to be like exactly like that or very dirty like that.
Guest:And then I liked Carlin.
Guest:I liked all the people everyone liked, you know.
Guest:But Miller was right there.
Guest:And Kinnison.
Guest:But Miller was closer to something I could do.
Guest:Like, that's really how I think.
Guest:And I was whispering jokes to my friends.
Guest:I go, it's sort of...
Guest:commenting on things that's and then when I got on just shoot me or those shows that persona was kind of the way it worked that was funny you know with Farley you go he does something and I whisper like yeah yeah hey fatty yeah good job yeah that's Mike my whole job yeah so that that turned into at least a style and then once I had that style then I wanted to get away from it yeah and that's what happens on Saturday Night Live like Chris was the fatty fall down guy and Sandler was like acting goofy and
Guest:And then once you finally get one thing, then you go, I'm not just one note.
Guest:Right.
Guest:And then 20 years later, I realized I am just one note, unfortunately.
Guest:The data is in.
Guest:I tell them, I go, I can do other stuff.
Guest:They go, what?
Guest:I go, I don't know.
Guest:Nothing.
Guest:Forget it.
Guest:But it's your demeanor.
Guest:You have a character.
Guest:I guess.
Guest:I mean, I like Bill Murray and stuff.
Guest:I'm not saying I'm that good like that, but I'm saying I liked a guy like that that was sort of Bill Murray in Ghostbusters and he's sort of Bill Murray in this.
Guest:And so I thought you could get away with it a little bit.
Guest:Because I'm not like De Niro.
Guest:No one wants, even Lawrence said, don't do so many characters.
Guest:I'd write characters like, hey, I'm this guy.
Guest:And he's like, ugh.
Guest:So I go, why am I the guy that's shitty at it?
Guest:Because I just was.
Guest:And he was right.
Guest:So he goes, just be yourself.
Marc:Who were you guys when you were coming up?
Marc:Well, you and Sandler were friends before, right?
Marc:SNL?
Marc:We were friends before.
Guest:Apatow, Drake, Schneider.
Marc:You were all just doing comedy down here.
Guest:Yeah, all at the improv.
Guest:We all lived in the valley, too.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Did you live with guys?
Guest:I lived with a girl who I always wanted to bone, and she was too out of my league.
Guest:And then one day when I moved out, it was 10 years later, she was like, how come we didn't fuck this whole time?
Guest:I was like, what?
Guest:There was a chance.
Guest:But I was getting famous, and I didn't realize she liked that.
Guest:Now I was possibly in her radar.
Guest:Because she was going out with a bass player for Quiet Riot, and I'm like, Sandler and I,
Marc:i have to ask him about this because you have to ask him why i know we have uh i i can't imagine that he really remembers that he's mad at me but uh it'd be great to talk to him do you talk to him you know he's mellowed out but sometimes he used to uh hold a grudge about that stuff like he's gotta be but at a certain point like he just did stern so i think that that one i didn't think would happen and we did a movie this why wouldn't he do it for so long because stern was so hard on him yeah stern said something about him he didn't like that's what happened with me
Guest:I mean, he gets criticism and he gets it from all over the place.
Guest:I mean, his movie reviews, he knows.
Guest:And he was talking about it on Stern.
Guest:It's very hard.
Guest:And I'm in movies with him and we all take shit.
Guest:And I've never had a fucking good review.
Guest:So I get it.
Guest:But I do remember sometimes when people are rough, even if most of the time I understand it, I go, people just say shit, who cares?
Guest:But if it really stings, I will stay away from something.
Guest:Make note.
Guest:yeah i mean but it takes a little bit i mean a lot of people like there's family guy they shit on me all the time and then at a certain point i go all right it's getting excessive like after the fourth joke you go all right someone's got a thing for me yeah and because on snl i would go after someone i go let's do it again they go do you hate that person i go no it's fun but i sort of did i'm like i have a chance oh really like who'd you go after
Guest:I don't know.
Guest:I never didn't like Eddie Murphy.
Guest:I loved him.
Guest:I didn't even know that story until today.
Guest:I'm way out of the loop.
Guest:Oh, yeah.
Guest:It's a dumb one.
Marc:I didn't really have a problem with him.
Marc:Well, here's the problem.
Marc:This is the thing that when I responded to Sandler, I did a bit on Conan.
Marc:I wasn't really necessarily making fun of him as much as I was his fans in a way.
Marc:Because to me, they were just sort of like kind of man children, meatheads.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:But I did this bit and it mentions him as a reference.
Marc:And then, you know, he comes up to me at the improv.
Marc:I mean, this is like two decades ago.
Marc:Like, you know, I heard what he said something about me.
Marc:I'm like, yeah, I said it on television.
Marc:And he's like, why would you do that?
Marc:And I said, because you're a cultural icon.
Marc:I mean, you know, what do we just, we can't talk about people in our own business.
Marc:What are we going to fucking talk about?
Marc:You know, I wasn't a nasty about it, but it becomes difficult.
Marc:Like, you know, like that situation with Eddie Murphy.
Marc:It's like, you talk about movies.
Yeah.
Guest:where you do jokes about culture and you're well and that's my whole job in quotes and we're comedians and even amy schumer who's blowing up so huge that there's jokes you can make on amy schumer because she's one of the people out there now right and then there's that weird thing with comics they're like if you want to do something for fun or whatever but i'd steer away from it just because it she might take it wrong even though you're just like i just want to talk about what's going on out there because she would because that's what everyone does but there's a community of us and we're weird and oversensitive right you know
Marc:And you don't assume, you know.
Guest:But I like when someone like Amy is actually good and then, you know, there's people that make it.
Guest:They can take it.
Guest:There's people that make it too that you go, oh my God, how's this person getting famous here?
Marc:But, you know, everybody comes down the other side and that's the most interesting thing about it is once you make it through all this shit.
Marc:Some people make a living, they get rich.
Marc:Other people at least keep their shit together enough to be like, nah, it doesn't matter anymore.
Marc:It just doesn't fucking matter anymore.
Marc:And you try to keep respect of other comedians, which I like.
Guest:I always appreciate if comics think of fun.
Guest:And that's why everyone says they don't care what people think, but I do.
Guest:When I go into clubs, I still do it and I still want to be in the vicinity of the good people and not be so out of it where people are like, are you still doing this shit?
Guest:Like, come on, guy.
Guest:Like, there's people that go up and you go... Or they're older comics or they haven't done it.
Guest:They're starting to get into it.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:But you just want to still... It's like... It's fun, right?
Guest:Quitting baseball or something.
Guest:You don't want to do it.
Guest:No one wants to quit anything.
Marc:Right.
Guest:And you can be old and be a comedian.
Guest:That's a good thing.
Guest:You like doing it now?
Guest:I still like doing it.
Guest:It's still hard.
Guest:You never stopped, really, did you?
Guest:Did you stop?
Guest:I only slowed down.
Guest:No, I never stopped.
Guest:And it was a great way to make money when I...
Guest:didn't uh like last two three years i haven't done a show i stopped rules of engagement so you gotta have some money saved i have some money saved it's more about it's fun to do something with yourself then you feel like you did something i like to feel like i'm good at it yeah so when i do you know how it is you do a good show somewhere and you feel good about it you bomb a few times or some things clank but when you do a good set yeah you get your set list you go
Guest:I can actually do something.
Guest:This got me everything.
Guest:And that's why I told Sandler, you should do it.
Guest:And we did something this summer.
Guest:And he goes, you know what?
Guest:I have a chunk of time.
Guest:Let's do it.
Guest:Let's go out in the road.
Guest:He goes, I'm going to come where you are.
Guest:And then I'll just do a little set.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Practice.
Guest:Because I don't want people to fucking YouTube me and say I'm shitty.
Yeah.
Guest:And he was always a funny comedian.
Guest:I go, it's a good idea to remind people how you got here.
Guest:So I did Comedy Magic Club.
Guest:He came.
Guest:He did 25 minutes.
Guest:It was a lot.
Guest:And then I did a night at the comedy store as a trick just to get him to go on unannounced.
Guest:So he had a good crowd.
Guest:He did it again.
Guest:Because my crowd would be his crowd.
Guest:Right, sure.
Guest:Overlap.
Guest:And then we did San Diego.
Guest:We announced it.
Guest:So me, him, Norm, Schneider, and Swartzen.
Guest:And that was a really fun show.
Guest:It was a theater gig.
Guest:And he closed.
Guest:Because I had to close in the other two.
Guest:And I go, at a certain point, Adam, you've got a guitar and a piano.
Guest:I can't follow this.
Guest:And he killed, and they were definitely there to see him the most, and they were so excited that he hadn't done it in 20 years.
Guest:So we're going to do a few dates.
Marc:It's going to be fun.
Marc:That's great.
Marc:Because I never really understood it, because you just answered a question for me.
Marc:I think it was a mystery to me forever.
Marc:Because when I see Seinfeld going out, I'm like, how much money could he...
Marc:It's just, I think, for the fun.
Marc:Not only the fun, but what you were saying.
Marc:It's like, I do this.
Marc:This is what I do.
Marc:That's what I do.
Marc:When everything goes away, that's what we do.
Guest:And no one can say Seinfeld's not funny anymore.
Guest:They see him, they go, shit, he's still, you know, it's putting work into something that you used to be good at.
Marc:It's not about money.
Guest:right and i there's some gigs i make no money in some i'm doing one uh in hawaii over the break that's not a ton of money but what a blast me jeff ross and bill maher oh yeah so someone who said bill maher said you want to do this with me we do his group for fun split the money of course what a blast i i i like those guys and i never see them what a great excuse so all right so walk me through snl how'd you get it
Guest:stand-up started the road uh couldn't get on that young comedian special remember the hbo young comedian special right i got i finally got on after three tries who was on with you uh well every year i missed out to like richard belzer i'm like i'm an actual young comedian guys can i like be looked at seriously i'm 22 23 uh i got on with drake right schneider jan carrom
Guest:Freddie Stoller, was he on mine?
Guest:Yeah, yeah.
Guest:Warren Thomas.
Marc:Oh, yeah.
Guest:And I hope that's right.
Marc:That sounds about right.
Guest:I sort of mixed up Jan Karam, yeah.
Guest:And everyone did stuff after that.
Guest:I mean, Warren Thomas, I think, passed away after that.
Marc:Yeah, long after that, but yeah, he passed away, yeah.
Guest:I didn't know him.
Guest:He's one of those.
Marc:He's funny.
Marc:I knew Schneider and Drake.
Marc:Schneider knew from San Francisco, probably.
Guest:Oh, he didn't?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And then me and Schneider got pulled, because Lauren saw it, or their people saw it, so we got pulled to fly to New York for an audition with Tom Kenny.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Remember Tom Kenny?
Guest:Yeah, of course.
Guest:San Fran?
Guest:Yeah, SpongeBob.
Guest:Dennis was there, probably 20 people.
Marc:At the audition.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:In a comedy club.
Marc:Catch Rising Star.
Marc:Oh, Catch Rising Star.
Marc:Places I've Never Gone.
Guest:The original one.
Guest:Went on.
Guest:Supposed to do 20.
Guest:Did about 12 because I was bombing.
Guest:Actually, Dennis told me one more time.
Guest:He goes, you don't want to kill too hard because I think you're a smooth road act.
Guest:Yeah, and I'm like, so I bomb?
Guest:I didn't understand.
Guest:So I go, I took his advice.
Guest:He goes, they're just going to look at your writing, which I didn't get.
Guest:I go, you have to do good.
Guest:But the truth was, I didn't.
Guest:I didn't do that good.
Guest:And they looked at the writing.
Guest:And then he goes, just do your best written jokes.
Guest:That's my advice.
Guest:And then Schneider went on and went short.
Guest:Tom Kenny did his whole set, killed.
Guest:Schneider didn't do well?
Guest:He didn't really do well, no.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:With little Elvis or whatever.
Guest:Elvis on a fish hook.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And then he goes like this.
Guest:He had some great jokes.
Guest:He had, dude, dude.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:So anyway, we got hired as writer performers from that, and that was a whole different thing.
Guest:New York was too much.
Guest:I didn't want to go there.
Guest:I never thought of being on SNL in my life.
Guest:Really?
Guest:No, I wasn't like a character guy.
Guest:I wasn't an impression guy.
Guest:I just was trying to...
Guest:be a headliner i was just middling right just wanted to be a headliner just like seeing what's right in front of me like can i get the dallas improv can i get right fucking funny bone chain and so that i got that and i go oh shit and then uh we made low money but the stress started we got in there and i was a pretty good writer for stand-up but it's a whole different thing to write sketches so
Guest:wasn't killing it uh we did four shows and then it was the summer and we both didn't get anything on and so they said they might not bring you back oh you and rob we were like buddies we were really good friends and then we had some friction on there um we brought out the worst in us that's for sure really competitive yeah and then the first do you think that was fostered or it just happens
Guest:I mean, we both sort of wanna be famous, you wanna do well, and they make it like, hey, one of you might come back.
Guest:It's like Survivor.
Guest:And then I remember one time I got mad, he didn't tell me about a rewrite meeting, and then he didn't put my name on a sketch that we wrote together.
Guest:And so it looked like I wasn't writing much.
Guest:And I was like, what are you doing?
Guest:He goes, ah, you went to bed.
Guest:I don't know.
Guest:I was tired.
Guest:I stayed up all night writing.
Guest:I'm like, well, just put my name on it.
Guest:It's not that complicated.
Guest:And then the next year we had more problems.
Guest:Then he did Copy Machine and he got on.
Guest:We weren't supposed to write for ourselves.
Guest:And I thought that wasn't fair.
Guest:I'm like, why the fuck does he get to write shit?
Guest:And then they made him a cast member.
Guest:And I'm like, what?
Guest:So it was just a mix of jealousy and I should be better at writing.
Guest:And I was frustrated.
Guest:You guys are okay now?
Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest:We're actually really good now.
Guest:But it was a... Then he was having trouble with everybody.
Guest:We were all having trouble, but he got out of it fine.
Guest:But there was a period there where we were just all... You don't know what you're doing there.
Guest:What about you and Sandler?
Guest:Sandler and I were always good.
Guest:As long as I could sit there and watch everyone kill...
Guest:Barley, Sandler, Dana, Mike Myers, fucking Conan's writing, Bob Odenkirk's writing, Smigel's writing.
Guest:I'm supposed to be as good as these guys are better and it just wasn't happening.
Guest:I'm like, I'm getting better, but I can't be that level.
Guest:Phil Hartman's great.
Guest:And the hosts come in and Chris Rock is doing weekend updates where he's fucking smart as shit.
Guest:And so you go...
Guest:I'm supposed to... So I was getting better, but we stayed friends because we tried to support each other.
Guest:And when you're getting bumped because of them...
Guest:you have to keep it in check because you want to fucking kill him, you know?
Guest:Because, like, I'm like, Farley's in six things this week.
Guest:Can I be in one?
Guest:Or Dana's in nine.
Guest:Like, does anyone give a fuck?
Guest:And they don't.
Guest:And who were you addressing?
Guest:Did you ask Lauren?
Marc:The air.
Guest:Oh, yeah.
Guest:My dressing room wall.
Guest:You never said, Lauren, can I talk to you?
Guest:I do.
Guest:And I asked Jim Downey, and I was like, and he goes, no, you're getting there.
Guest:Just hang in there.
Guest:But everyone's worried about themselves.
Guest:And you have to be.
Guest:And I just am really glad that by the end of it, people knew I was on SNL.
Guest:I have pretty good memories of people saying, oh, you were funny on SNL.
Guest:Fine.
Guest:That's all I want.
Marc:How many years?
Guest:Six years.
Marc:And you did... Did you end up...
Marc:You were contributor to Update or did you do Update?
Guest:Just contributor to Update.
Guest:I mean, just wrote jokes for the Update people and then I would just do my bits.
Guest:And you would show up in things?
Guest:Yeah, I'd show up in things.
Guest:Did Gap Girls, did the receptionist from like NUR.
Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest:And that was my first Attitude bit I wrote because it was not just jokes and I couldn't believe it worked.
Guest:I go, that was a breakthrough just in my own head going, Conan told me about concepts.
Guest:He goes, these are...
Guest:you're just writing jokes.
Guest:You need to write like, what's the whole feel to it?
Guest:And he tried to explain it.
Guest:I was like, oh yeah, because he's smart.
Guest:So I got it.
Guest:And then I go, oh, and that was one where it was getting laughs and read through.
Guest:And I go, these are smart people.
Guest:So this is funny to them.
Guest:Like, it was just like a weird way people were treating me.
Guest:And I thought, I wrote it out.
Guest:They're very condescending to me.
Guest:And it works.
Guest:So I go, oh, this is working without big jokes?
Guest:Okay.
Guest:It's a repetition of a thing.
Guest:Yeah, going, and now would I know you?
Marc:Yeah, yeah.
Guest:And that kind of attitude was funny because I got it from Lauren's assistant in LA and I got it from Patrick Swayze's when he was at the show.
Guest:They wouldn't let me see Patrick Swayze.
Guest:Really?
Guest:I go, can I tell you?
Guest:Because you're allowed to talk to the host if you're a writer and it's three in the morning and he's in the writer's room alone and then this PR person is standing by the door and I walk in and she puts her arm up to block me.
Guest:She goes, can I help you?
Guest:And I go, oh, I'm just wanting to say hi to Patrick.
Guest:She goes, oh, and you are?
Guest:and i go i uh i'm david spade she goes and he would know you because i go oh i'm a writer here she goes right and that's why you're a writer here at snl and i go yeah she goes it's just he's so crazy right now can you come back a little bit it might be a better time and i go
Guest:he's reading people magazine right there are you sure yeah it's just really tricky time right now and i go uh i didn't even get it i go so i just thought in my head that was so weird that whole attitude and then i called lorne next time i was in la and his office goes and you are and i go is this a real fucking thing and they quizzed me and i had to explain i was famous and shit and they're like i don't watch tv i'm like it's your own show yeah
Guest:so i go i gotta try to make that into sketch and then that but i still it took me a while then by the end i got more stuff on and then adam and chris left and i stayed next year like a fifth year senior and when did the thing with farley just start to gel why um were you guys friends first yeah
Guest:just buddies walk around the office and lauren thought we were funny together and we were like i'm from arizona and he was wisconsin dundee he's like the nice guy that doesn't know what just head up his ass walking on new york city going oh my god there's a mcdonald's here there's one and i'm like oh is it on wheels like you know i just always make fun of him and then he'd go and he'd want me to make fun of him then we just sort of buddied up a lot and he was getting famous or and
Guest:I think he felt because we started together it was like a good solid place to be because I was on the show too.
Guest:So he's a good guy.
Guest:He's a good guy.
Guest:And so that was a fire that was just going out of control.
Guest:Royal guy.
Guest:Sweet guy.
Guest:Royal guy.
Guest:Nice to me.
Guest:Laughed at everything.
Guest:Made me feel good because he thought it was hilarious and that made me feel good.
Guest:But he would get jokes that you didn't think like for being like a dunce or whatever people think.
Guest:He actually was good at comedy to where he got...
Guest:all these dry weird jokes he got when he laughed so hard.
Guest:And you can always tell, you know what I mean?
Guest:Like you can tell people, thanks David, thanks for coming.
Guest:Great story, David.
Guest:Coming up next.
Guest:So he would laugh and I like that about him because you couldn't whiz anything past him.
Guest:He wouldn't go, I don't get it.
Guest:yeah you know i'm saying it's like when you're in a conversation with someone yeah and they don't even have to say anything what they laugh at you can tell how funny they are right if they get something and you go oh you like that too that's funny to me yeah whatever and that's where you go he's good and he was such a supporter and he'd go on the sides and laugh when you're doing a bit or try to help you out or whatever so good guy yeah good guy how many movies you do with him three
Guest:Well, I did Coneheads.
Guest:We were all in.
Guest:Then the real ones were probably Tommy Boy, Black Sheep, and then I think that was it.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:We talked about a third one, and then it was too late.
Marc:But when you were with him, I mean, it seems to me that a guy like that, if you're close to him, you know he's killing himself somehow.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:And, you know, was there... Yes, it was my fault.
Yeah.
Marc:No, no, no, no, no.
Marc:I just like, there's nothing anyone can do after a certain point if they're going to.
Guest:Yeah, I mean, I just look at Scott Weiland, who I used to know a little bit and went just so out of control.
Marc:People saw that coming for so long.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:And he had a kind of like, you know, he was showing up on YouTube doing gigs where you're like, oh my God.
Marc:It was like Kennison.
Marc:It's like, he's up there doing Wild Thing.
Marc:You're like, this should have ended a long time ago.
Marc:Would have been better for everybody.
Marc:But Chris seemed like, you know, he was trying to handle it.
Guest:But I think he did eight rehabs.
Guest:Oh, he did.
Marc:He was one of those guys.
Guest:And we had some friction at the end, but it was mostly because when you have someone like that, the same way Weiland's wife wrote something about him.
Guest:Did you read that?
Guest:That she's like, this guy died four years ago.
Guest:She was saying, he's not the person I know.
Guest:He doesn't relate to me.
Guest:When he wants to be with his friends that are doing all that stuff and he doesn't want to be around me and I get pissy about that.
Guest:Right.
Guest:who Chris yeah he would bring people around and those weirdos that like no one knew but yeah like people that know that like you know they're junkies or weird and they're like hey man I'm like why are these people with us at dinner you know why are you bringing we were in Aspen at the comedy festival for SNL and we all went out and then he was too drunk at one dinner with Steve Martin and Lorne and Bernie Brillstein and I
Guest:I took him into the dinner.
Guest:We walked through and I realized it.
Guest:And I go, hang on guys.
Guest:And we scooted through all the chairs.
Guest:It was a long table.
Guest:I took him into the kitchen.
Guest:I took him in the alley.
Guest:And I go, we are not fucking having a three hour dinner.
Guest:You're this fucked up.
Guest:He goes, whoa.
Guest:I go, you drank all day?
Guest:He goes, I'm your husband.
Guest:It's always an excuse.
Guest:I go, oh, okay.
Guest:And then the next day I met him for lunch.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And he came and he was with four people I didn't know.
Guest:And he had not gone to bed.
Guest:So his eyes are like rolling back.
Guest:And I go, oh, fuck.
Guest:You stayed up all night.
Guest:He goes,
Guest:Oh, all right, you're an Aspen.
Guest:I forgot.
Guest:I forgot.
Guest:Jesus.
Marc:He's like a child.
Marc:Some guy told me a story about him that I always, I thought it was horrendously sad but hilarious.
Marc:It was a Chicago guy, I think, and they were partying all night and Chris had done mushrooms and everything else.
Marc:And I guess he was just in the middle of a conversation and he threw up on himself.
Guest:and he and i guess he said i guess i'm full god damn i know you can't get mad when he eats a two inch by two inch piece of steak for every bite i go you're fucking joking dude he's like whoa i go that's a full petite filet he goes no and then he takes the pad of butter and he peels the lid off and he puts the whole square on it i go every bite and he goes it needs a hat i go well okay who can argue that
Guest:So put a full pat of butter on every bite.
Guest:I go, where's the fat coming from?
Guest:No one can figure it out.
Marc:It's a mystery.
Marc:But do you think he wanted to?
Marc:That's just the way he lived?
Guest:Just loved it.
Guest:Just very excessive.
Guest:He loved it.
Guest:Anything he'd do too much.
Guest:Fall hard, eat hard, play hard, get mad hard.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:So, but he's very nice and he's very nice.
Guest:So, you know, it was a tough loss because it was like the other day was his anniversary.
Guest:Oh.
Guest:Like two days ago.
Guest:So, you know, there's always someone on Instagram reminding me.
Guest:I'm like, oh.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:A little gut punch, but it's all right.
Guest:Of the day you died?
Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest:It was in December.
Guest:The funeral was rough?
Guest:Funeral I didn't go to.
Guest:You didn't?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Why?
Guest:Too rough, too much.
Guest:Really?
Guest:Yeah, I just...
Guest:It was really, I think people took it the wrong way, but I told Lauren and Adam and those guys, I said, I can't go.
Guest:They said, it's okay.
Guest:They knew that it was, it's hard.
Guest:It's hard to sit there and bawl in front of your friends.
Guest:I know it's the right thing to do.
Guest:I just couldn't.
Guest:I was crying at home.
Guest:I was so weirded out.
Guest:And just to see him in a room and I'm coughing, I was like, fuck it.
Guest:I was open?
Guest:It was just in a car.
Marc:I don't know.
Guest:They said, because I didn't go, but they said he'll be there.
Guest:And I was like, I don't know.
Guest:But those guys were all very cool to go.
Guest:And I just, you know, looking back, I probably should have.
Guest:I just couldn't do it.
Guest:Couldn't even think of it.
Marc:Yeah, I understand that.
Guest:You know, I could still see it today.
Guest:If someone was so close to me, I cried at my uncle's funeral.
Guest:I was pretty close.
Guest:But I was like, oh, this is tough.
Guest:People are stronger.
Guest:They can do it.
Guest:I can't do it.
Marc:So after SNL, I mean, you've had this amazing career and you keep working.
Marc:I mean, Just Shoot Me was really, I mean, career-wise in those movies, those are huge.
Guest:It's a job.
Guest:I mean, treading water after SNL is the hardest part.
Guest:So Just Shoot Me really helped.
Guest:But in terms of like, is something going to happen?
Marc:Am I set up?
Marc:Just stay, yeah.
Guest:Just anything.
Guest:Just try to keep me out there.
Guest:Plus, I like to work and keep busy and I don't know anything.
Guest:I can't go back and switch now.
Guest:I can't go...
Guest:back to advertising whatever i wanted to do um and so then rules of engagement uh there was that showbiz show i did for a little bit i liked that was sort of like a hollywood show and then uh the grown-ups movies are always they do well right help with adam yeah uh whose ideas were those those are adam yeah he put that all together
Guest:Yeah, he says, I think I got you in a movie.
Guest:I think I got a funny idea.
Guest:I'll tell you soon.
Guest:And then he goes, all right, we're writing it.
Guest:It was called Lake House.
Marc:Right.
Guest:But we changed it to Grown Ups.
Guest:And we did that.
Guest:We did the other one.
Guest:And then... They made money.
Guest:They made good money, yeah.
Guest:And Joe Dirt was good.
Guest:Joe Dirt I love.
Guest:Yeah, Joe Dirt I hear about the most.
Guest:Other than Tommy Boy, I hear about it the most.
Guest:So I really, really like that.
Guest:And that's your invention, right?
Guest:That's actually...
Guest:As much as I'm in love with Tommy Boy, at least Joder, you know, that's all Chris.
Guest:Tommy Boy.
Guest:Joder at least, yeah, can be, take a little credit because I wrote it, I'm in it.
Marc:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest:We wrote it with Fred Wolf.
Guest:We wrote Joder together.
Guest:We wrote Dickie Roberts.
Guest:We did...
Guest:Oh, I mean, well, I went and did the do-over this summer.
Guest:I did one with Adam for Netflix.
Guest:So his one after Ridiculous 6.
Marc:Is that Brill?
Marc:Did Brill direct it?
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:You know, him and I were roommates.
Marc:We went to college together.
Marc:I think you told me this.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:How'd it go?
Guest:Is it out?
Guest:No, it comes out in the summer.
Guest:The Netflix movie.
Guest:The do-over, yeah.
Guest:I saw it about three weeks ago.
Guest:I love it.
Guest:Yeah?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Is it a departure for you guys, for Adam?
Marc:A little bit.
Guest:I mean, Ridiculous 6 is sort of right down the middle for Adam when he does, and it's a great movie.
Guest:Did Brill do that too?
Guest:No.
Guest:Uh-huh.
Guest:But do-over, I'm married, two stepkids, straight man, work at a bank, nerdy.
Guest:Sandler is sort of a fucking crazy guy, comes and kidnaps me.
Guest:It's like Midnight Run a little bit.
Guest:uh-huh it's weird we want to do our lives over because my life came out so shitty and he's like your old friend yeah but i don't know him that well and i start finding out shit about him uh-huh he says you got to do your life over and i go yeah yeah and then he fucking kidnaps me and goes i said you died and now i got a new id for you and i'm like what the fuck are you talking it's sort of dark it's weird uh-huh and so i liked it because it's mostly him doing the jokes like i am just straight man
Guest:And it was really fun because it was, no one's going to give me that part.
Guest:That's for like a Jason Bateman or Ben Still, you know, you're in over your head.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And you're trying to figure shit out.
Guest:And it has weird, you know, we have guns or shootouts.
Guest:You're comfortable with guns.
Guest:I love you.
Marc:Drop me in the desert.
Marc:So wait, now let's, before you go, like I don't do TMZ, I'm out of the loop.
Marc:But what the fuck happened, I know it's in the book and I know that things leveled off.
Marc:I count TMZ as a credit on my resume.
Marc:But I don't know the story of what happened with that assistant of yours.
Marc:Oh, that thing.
Guest:Skippy?
Guest:Yeah, the quick version.
Guest:I had an assistant who was... But was he a fan at first?
Guest:He was working for Pete Siegel on Tommy Boy.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:That's how I knew him.
Guest:He was 300 pounds.
Guest:He's 6'2".
Guest:He's from Glendale.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Hmm, this area.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And look at you twice now.
Guest:And he was a nice guy, very sweet.
Guest:I'm trying to be objective about this.
Guest:He worked for Pete.
Guest:He was very nice.
Guest:Ten years, they got along.
Guest:Oh, really?
Guest:Saw him every day on Tommy Boy.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:So when I was looking for an assistant, he had left Pete.
Guest:I interviewed a guy and a girl.
Guest:And I was going to hire the girl.
Guest:And then Farley died that day.
Guest:And I said, Skippy, I need you because you're going to know everybody.
Guest:You're going to know what I'm going through.
Guest:And let's just start right now.
Guest:And so...
Guest:Weird coincidence, but everything was great for three years.
Guest:He started asking for tickets to stuff, and it's weird having an assistant.
Guest:He's like, can I have tickets to you too if you get them?
Guest:Can you get an extra one for me?
Guest:I was like, I guess.
Guest:Because you don't want to be a dick, but...
Guest:I don't know where to draw the line.
Guest:And then NBC was offering me Dodger tickets and I wouldn't take them.
Guest:And he goes, you should take them.
Guest:I go, no, no, because then I'm going to owe them a favor.
Guest:I didn't really want to go.
Guest:And I thought, and then one day they called me in for a favor and they go, we gave you all those Dodger tickets.
Guest:And I go, no, you didn't.
Guest:And they go, yeah, your assistant always took them.
Guest:I go, did you go to those games?
Guest:He goes, yeah, they didn't care.
Guest:They just said, you know, and I go, oh.
Guest:And then.
Marc:What was the favor?
Guest:No, they just wanted me to go to New York for something, an affiliate thing.
Guest:And I go, come on, we've been helping you out.
Guest:And then Rebecca Romaine I was friends with and Kid Rock, and he would text them without telling me.
Guest:Rebecca's like, yeah, what does he want?
Guest:I just talked to Skippy, what's up?
Guest:I'm like, nothing.
Guest:She's like, why is he texting?
Guest:He's just like, hey, how you been?
Guest:What are you doing tonight?
Guest:And I go, this is getting weird.
Guest:Then long story short, one day he got mad I didn't put him in Joe Dirt.
Guest:I tried.
Guest:Kevin Nealon came through and did the part.
Guest:Adam requested it.
Guest:I said, I can't outrank Adam.
Guest:He asked for nothing.
Guest:He goes, fuck Adam.
Guest:Tell him you told me I could do it.
Guest:I said, Skippy, I always told you I would try.
Guest:But Adam...
Guest:is the producer and he's the only reason this is getting made and it's Kevin fucking Nealon.
Guest:I want him in.
Guest:I'm sorry.
Guest:I will find something else or the next movie stewing over that.
Guest:Then, um, a couple months later, we're in editing the joke.
Guest:He got broken up with the girl that day.
Guest:And then the editing, uh, he saw the scene with Nealon.
Guest:He goes, I would have nailed it.
Guest:I would have nailed it.
Guest:I'm like, uh,
Guest:He's still mad.
Guest:He's like, fucking Adam.
Guest:I'm like, what are you talking?
Guest:It's getting weird now.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:You could feel it.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Five in the morning.
Guest:I feel like someone's in my room.
Guest:No one ever is, but you're always like, ugh, it feels so weird.
Guest:I look up.
Guest:Someone's in my room.
Marc:He's in there?
Guest:In the hallway, staring at me.
Guest:300 pounds of him.
Guest:300 pounds.
Guest:I don't even know it's him.
Guest:I just fucking jumped up.
Guest:He broke into the house.
Guest:Broke into the house, yeah.
Guest:I said, what the fuck's going on?
Guest:He goes, oh, the alarm called.
Guest:You left your alarm on.
Guest:I go, what?
Guest:And I stand up.
Guest:I go, shit, sorry, dude.
Guest:I go, by the way, I didn't even turn.
Guest:And then he punched me in the face.
Guest:And then he hit me with a stun gun.
Guest:and then he starts punching me i rolled off the side of the bed and i was like what the fuck what the fuck i looked down there's blood on the bed i'm like what are you you're staring at me like a fucking crazed killer and i was like what the fuck is going i don't even i'm not even awake i don't even know what's going on and your friend is beating up i run for the door he throws me down again oh my my shirt rips off now there's more blood now i haul house out front i get away again miracle
Guest:Get out of the front.
Guest:But because my house is a mansion, you know, I have a guard gate.
Guest:I have to throw in mansion.
Guest:Was this here?
Guest:This is in the flats in Beverly Hills.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:It's not a mansion, but I had a guard gate.
Guest:So I can't even punch my code.
Guest:Oh, I can't get out of the Hotel California.
Guest:I'm like, fuck, I'm stuck.
Guest:So I run back and he's standing there.
Guest:I'm behind a car.
Guest:I'm like, what's going on?
Guest:Now there's blood because my toe pad ripped up on the cement.
Guest:And the stun gun was cutting my arms.
Guest:And he's obviously beating me up because I'm... You got a dart in you?
Guest:A stun gun dart?
Guest:No, it's sharp points and the electricity goes across, but the sharp points are actually sharp.
Guest:So when he hits you with it, it's scraping like cutting.
Guest:Not like a box cutter, but it cuts like that.
Guest:So I go, uncool, uncool, or whatever it's like.
Guest:But I thought, for sure, I'm dying.
Guest:I don't know why this is happening, but it's over.
Guest:Did it all come to you like, this is a Hollywood story.
Guest:This is how this shit happens.
Guest:And I don't know why, and I wish I knew.
Guest:And I ran up, and I hit him in the face.
Guest:I went right at him, and we went on the ground.
Guest:And I got to where I was hitting him in the head.
Guest:I got a great spot on him, like UFC.
Guest:He dropped the stun gun, picked up quickly.
Guest:I ran, and I slammed the door, and it just barely closed.
Guest:And he hit the door like a rhino.
Guest:And I go, this is it.
Guest:I can't fight anymore.
Guest:knowing he was going to come in and kill me.
Guest:And it stopped him a quarter inch, that deadbolt.
Guest:I was like, oh my God.
Guest:And I ran, slid under my bed.
Guest:And what do I have?
Guest:Loaded shotgun.
Guest:Thank you, mom in Arizona.
Guest:Is it that one?
Guest:And stepdad.
Marc:Was it that one?
Guest:It wasn't, but it's another one.
Guest:And I had it loaded.
Guest:And the only other person to know I had a loaded shotgun was him.
Guest:And the cops were like, he was trying to get it to shoot you and shoot himself.
Guest:oh that was the story so i got it ran out and i said i have the fucking god then i got super tough guy because now i was gonna win and i said i don't want to shoot you i'm gonna fucking shoot you and then i went in the bathroom and locked in going let me think i look in the mirror and i'm got blood on my face and i'm fucking shaking from the stun gun i go i'm gonna pass out i go all right i'm gonna open the door i'm gonna shoot your leg then i'm gonna shoot you in the face so if you better get the fuck out of you you better back up
Guest:And so I had to prep myself in a weird way to say, I'm going to shoot him.
Guest:I have to shoot this guy.
Guest:And I don't know why.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:So I open it.
Guest:He's gone.
Guest:I call the cops.
Guest:I go in the alley with my gun.
Guest:There's a cop with a gun pulling up in his car, pointed at me.
Guest:I'm still holding my shotgun with blood.
Guest:I look a little guilty.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I put it down.
Guest:They get me.
Guest:They go, we're going to go in.
Guest:We're going to, we're going to search the house.
Guest:I go, well, you don't have to search the drawers.
Guest:He's not in there.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:leave that stuff uh and then they couldn't find him they found him and he fought the cops and he had taken a hundred tylenol pms he's trying to kill himself and big mess but they just found out he bought an eight ball of coke and he did it all he'd never done it he was just trying it he did it all and then he came to kill me and he was going to kill himself yeah did he cop to that he said he couldn't remember but he did remember when they were sentenced and where's that guy now
Guest:he works at uh yeah oh he's out works in town and he works at he's a upm somewhere and you know we uh i had him down to two days a week after that but what happened was we i've never seen him since and uh you know restraining order and stuff but it was it was weird because afterwards i felt weird almost for him because i go this is your whole life is different now
Guest:Why would you do that?
Guest:And they go, oh, he's drugs.
Guest:I go, but I've done coke.
Guest:You don't want to kill.
Guest:Like, that's not... It had to be there already.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:But I think he was resenting that it looked like I had an easy life.
Guest:Like, he goes, oh, you go on a show, and then you get to talk to... Well, right.
Marc:He got too close, and he started to sort of glom on to thinking, like, well, I'm part of this life.
Marc:Why is it not?
Marc:Why don't I do this?
Marc:And also, maybe it seemed like at certain points, he was like, I am doing it.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:And then people were like, no, I don't...
Marc:Right when he started to be like, I am living this life, there was pushback.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And there was like, oh yeah, and then he doesn't want you to decide that he shouldn't have it at all.
Guest:So something didn't work.
Guest:Well, I'm glad you're all right.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:And I'm glad you're doing stand-up again.
Guest:Yeah, made it through.
Guest:I'm glad we're buddies now, and I was cocky, and I apologize.
Marc:No, it was great talking to you.
Marc:I always liked you.
Marc:I feel bad I told you.
Marc:No, it wasn't even that cocky.
Marc:It wasn't even that unexpected.
Marc:I never really had any resentment against you.
Marc:I just never thought we would ever have a conversation.
Marc:It wasn't like, I don't like that guy, fuck that guy.
Marc:It was like, that guy won't talk to me.
Guest:I see guys sometimes like that, comedians.
Guest:What?
Marc:Like...
Guest:I get to see, I go, I don't know if we'd ever get along.
Marc:Right, right, right.
Guest:But that's okay, too.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:It's like high school.
Marc:You get along with everyone.
Marc:Well, you seem to be pretty practical about that shit.
Marc:You got pretty solid kind of like, nah, fuck that.
Guest:Yeah, it's too stressful.
Marc:It's good.
Guest:It's healthy.
Guest:Now it's easier.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:But thank you for having me.
Guest:It's great talking to you.
Guest:Finally did it.
Guest:Yep.
Marc:Well, that was good.
Marc:It kind of cracks me up, and I enjoy talking to him.
Marc:What else is coming up?
Marc:Go to WTFPod.com and get some posters or some things or this or that or want to get on the mailing list.
Marc:Do that.
Marc:Thank you, as always, for all the gifts and things in the mail.
Marc:I appreciate all the love and support, even though I don't always have the humility to be grateful enough to express that.
Marc:I do appreciate it.
Marc:I like records and I like stuff.
Marc:And I get a lot of stuff.
Marc:And thank you for all the emails and well wishes and everything else.
Marc:I had an amazing talk with the director, Todd Haynes, which will be coming to you on Thursday.
Marc:I think I'll play some guitar if I can remember the lick I was doing.
Marc:Hold on.
Marc:Hold on.
Marc:Let's see what we can do.
guitar solo
Marc:Boomer lives!