Episode 63 - Jim Short / Greg Proops
Marc:Lock the gates!
Guest:Are we doing this?
Guest:Really?
Guest:Wait for it.
Guest:Are we doing this?
Guest:Wait for it.
Guest:Pow!
Guest:What the fuck?
Guest:And it's also, eh, what the fuck?
Guest:What's wrong with me?
Guest:It's time for WTF!
Guest:What the fuck?
Guest:With Mark Maron.
Marc:Okay, let's do this.
Marc:How are you?
Marc:What the fuckers?
Marc:What the fuck buddies?
Marc:What the fucking ears?
Marc:Whatever the fuck you want to be called.
Marc:You know how it goes.
Marc:This is me.
Marc:I'm Mark Maron.
Marc:I host this show.
Marc:This is WTF, the podcast.
Marc:Welcome aboard.
Marc:We have a great show today.
Marc:I actually believe we do.
Marc:A couple of old buddies of mine, Jim Short, San Francisco comic originally, who used to actually babysit me a bit.
Marc:Not in the real way, but, you know, in the way that people who are out of control need to be babysat.
Marc:And also Greg Proops will be out here in the garage.
Marc:They're both going to be here at the same time.
Marc:Maybe we'll get him on the mic at the same time.
Marc:I think Jim's coming in earlier and then maybe he'll hang around because I know he's a big Greg Proops fan.
Marc:And we'll both sit at the feet of Greg Proops and watch him spin around like a whirling dervish of improvisational lyricism.
Marc:That's what we'll do in a minute.
Marc:But right now I need to address last Sunday was Easter.
Marc:I was I said I was going to talk about it.
Marc:I'm going to talk about it.
Marc:It wasn't like it was a major event.
Marc:Here's how it all happens.
Marc:I decided I was going to make a grape nut pudding.
Marc:I don't know if any of you know about grape nut pudding.
Marc:I don't know if it's a regional.
Marc:bit of business.
Marc:It was something that was served at a deli that I worked at when I was in college, Gordon's Deli in Pottingham Circle, West Roxbury, Massachusetts.
Marc:It was probably the last real Jewish deli, and I mean the last real filthy Jewish deli owned or operated in that area in Boston.
Marc:Boston's not big on the Jewish delis, and I needed to do that.
Marc:At that point in my life, it was the best job I could have had because I must have been 20 years old,
Marc:19 maybe, and I decided that what I really wanted to be was an old Jewish man who worked behind a deli counter.
Marc:That's what I needed to do.
Marc:But this wasn't New York Jewish deli.
Marc:They had some weird shit in the Boston Jew community.
Marc:A lot of different kinds of breads, four different kinds of rye breads.
Marc:They had sisal rye, they had dark rye, they had light rye, and they had pumpernickel.
Marc:They had weird kinds of puddings, and this grape nut custard was one, and I loved it.
Marc:Now, you can just imagine me, a little 19-year-old me, hungover all the time, coming in early to make sandwiches, cut bagels, flip eggs at Gordon's Deli.
Marc:And the place was owned by a guy named Shell, who must have weighed, I'm going to say, 900 pounds.
Marc:That's probably an exaggeration, but you know what I'm saying.
Marc:He was like seven feet tall, and he just used to sit in a booth eating boneless spare ribs from the Chinese place next door, going, Mark,
Marc:Ma, can you get me a soda?
Marc:Can you get me a soda?
Marc:Could somebody get me a soda?
Marc:And then there was a couple other guys there.
Marc:There were old timers back behind the counter.
Marc:This guy named Robert who didn't speak English.
Marc:He spoke some sort of Spanish Yiddish that would just, you know, occasionally he would draw something on a blank piece of paper.
Marc:He'd hold it up to me.
Marc:It would be a sort of sketch of a very quick sort of, you know, like almost a childlike sketch of a penis.
Marc:And he'd say, this is your self-portrait.
Marc:And I'm like, well, it's your self-portrait, I guess.
Marc:You drew it.
Marc:You mean it's my portrait?
Marc:Ah!
Marc:Yeah, a lot of that.
Marc:And then there was Abe, who didn't always hang out.
Marc:He was an old man, but he was shell-shocked from World War II.
Marc:Couldn't quite handle anything.
Marc:And there was me.
Marc:But, okay, so that was the Jewish deli portion of my life.
Marc:You know, I did work early on in a bagel place in New Mexico for a New Yorker, but it doesn't count like this counted.
Marc:So the grape nut custard.
Marc:I got it in my head.
Marc:I'm going to make a grape nut custard.
Marc:And my roommate or my boarder or my housemate, that's what we're going with, housemate Stosh, she loves grape nuts to the point where it's weird.
Marc:Like, I mean, she could eat grape nuts three times a day.
Marc:She just loves them.
Marc:I don't have anything against them.
Marc:But I think they expand in your intestine.
Marc:And I don't think it's good.
Marc:It's just my opinion.
Marc:I mean, I eat them.
Marc:So I decide I'm going to make this.
Marc:And she says, why didn't you tell me about this before?
Marc:I said, I have to tell you all of my secret grape nut history.
Marc:You have to know everything.
Marc:She goes, oh, you're going to make it?
Marc:And I made it.
Marc:And I made it twice.
Marc:And it came out good.
Marc:It's basically just a baked egg custard with a layer of grape nuts at the bottom.
Marc:Spectacular.
Marc:So I make this.
Marc:And then we decide I got nowhere to go for Easter.
Marc:And I don't know where I'm going.
Marc:I don't go anywhere for Easter.
Marc:No one even invited me to a fucking Seder.
Marc:I am out of the loop.
Marc:And I don't know where I'm going to go.
Marc:I don't like to socialize.
Marc:I don't really know her family.
Marc:She's been living with me for like four or five months now.
Marc:uh at the house i've never really i met her mother briefly i met her brother once or twice but i don't know them and then part of me thinks like well they should know who their daughter is living with because we're probably going to get married i she doesn't really know this yet so don't say anything to her
Marc:And I don't know if it's really going to happen, but it seems like we've got a lot of the other stuff out of the way.
Marc:We can cohabitate.
Marc:We can watch television.
Marc:We get along.
Marc:We eat food.
Marc:We sit across the table from each other, minding our own business while we work.
Marc:What else is there?
Marc:It's done, right?
Marc:Then there's just the other part, but the actual intimacy and making it into something else that I don't think we're really into, though we did date briefly a long time ago.
Marc:But that's not that's not the issue.
Marc:This is neither here nor there.
Marc:So I decide I'm going to go to Easter and it's Greek Easter and she's built it up to be this big deal.
Marc:I don't know what to expect.
Marc:Are there secret rituals?
Marc:Is there another language being spoken?
Marc:Is is it are they going to be frightened of the Jew?
Marc:I didn't know what to expect.
Marc:I know her dad's you know, he's in he's in the business and her mom's studying to be a psychotherapist or psychologist.
Marc:Her brothers are both nice guys.
Marc:And I only met the one, but I figured the other guy was pretty nice guy.
Marc:So I'm like, why not?
Marc:Why don't you just go over there and have a nice time?
Marc:You don't you're not some sort of outcast.
Marc:You don't have to be in self induced exile.
Marc:You're not a freak who's incapable of socializing.
Marc:You enjoy people.
Marc:You like to go places.
Marc:So I go over there, and sure enough, it was going to be great.
Marc:I went out back.
Marc:Her brother had three whole legs of lamb on the grill cooking.
Marc:Her dad was chopping something.
Marc:Her mom had laid out all his food.
Marc:Anywhere where there's food, where there's a buffet, I'm in.
Marc:Because as you know, some of you, I have diminishing buffet syndrome that I had to fight, which means that even when I know there's going to be an endless supply of food, I really need to start eating as quickly as possible out of fear that it will run out.
Marc:Even if I get full immediately, I have that thing.
Marc:Maybe it's childish.
Marc:I don't know what it is.
Marc:But I get there.
Marc:I meet her family.
Marc:And then, you know, other people start coming over.
Marc:They're bringing food.
Marc:I brought the grape nut pudding.
Marc:Stosh made some phyllo dough and, you know, thing, which is everything that Greeks eat for dessert.
Marc:Had custard on it.
Marc:And then these other people came.
Marc:And they had like three daughters and one son, 16 year old son.
Marc:And the daughters range from 20 to about 28.
Marc:You know, one of them was in medical school.
Marc:The other one was on a scholarship somewhere.
Marc:The other one was well adjusted and smart.
Marc:Even the young kid, the 16 year old, he's going to Berkeley.
Marc:The parents looked healthy.
Marc:Everybody seemed well adjusted.
Marc:Now, look, Greeks aren't that much different than Jews.
Marc:You know, we have tight, loud families that talk a lot.
Marc:But there was just something about being around so many well adjusted young people that didn't make me feel bad.
Marc:But I felt that I was hiding something.
Marc:I don't know if you ever get that feeling.
Marc:And then like all the grownups, her old grandfather was there.
Marc:It was spectacular.
Marc:Real family.
Marc:It felt really good.
Marc:It was really fun.
Marc:And then all the older people sat at one table and I was sitting with Stosh and her friends and her father.
Marc:This was a big kick in the balls in a way, in a nice way.
Marc:I got it.
Marc:He says, so you found your way into the children's table.
Marc:And I'm like, what does that mean?
Marc:And then I started thinking to myself, oh my God, I'm like 12, maybe 15 years younger than some of these people.
Marc:I need to take a fucking reality check because there's some part of my brain that doesn't get any older.
Marc:My mother always used to say that.
Marc:She's like, I don't feel, you know, 70 or however old she is.
Marc:I feel like I'm 25 because there's some brain just doesn't grow up.
Marc:My mother's never did.
Marc:I was dealing with a 25 year old most of my life and I still am on some days.
Marc:But she seems to be getting the idea that she may be aging because she keeps hurting herself at the gym.
Marc:But I'm sitting there with these with these kids.
Marc:I mean, they're not kids are in their 20s, but they were also fucking well adjusted and pretty and clean.
Marc:And I was just sitting there and I had moments where it was I was talking to everybody.
Marc:I'm talking to the one girl.
Marc:She's going to medical school.
Marc:She's marrying a doctor.
Marc:And there's that thing inside of me that's like, what the fuck did you do with your life?
Marc:You filthy bastard.
Marc:Look at you.
Marc:Look at what you're hiding.
Marc:Think back of what your life is like.
Marc:Look at what you've done.
Marc:You've been living the life of some artistic gypsy your entire life, on and off the drugs, in and out of beds with any number of women.
Marc:You're filthy.
Marc:Married twice.
Marc:You can't keep your shit together.
Marc:But what was coming out was like, really?
Marc:So what branch of medicine are you studying?
Marc:Inside, it's just like, oh, you're disgusting.
Marc:Don't even think like that.
Marc:Look at what you're doing.
Marc:You're surrounded by clean, well-adjusted people that actually studied and prepared for life.
Marc:And look at you.
Marc:Look at you.
Marc:But that was not what was coming out.
Marc:What was coming out was, oh, that sounds really interesting.
Marc:That's an interesting field that you're...
Marc:Your fiance's in orthopedics.
Marc:My dad was in orthopedics.
Marc:And you disappointed him, too.
Marc:I mean, it took him years for him to even get the idea that you weren't going to do anything with yourself other than this comedy thing.
Marc:I mean, what I was going through inside was phenomenal.
Marc:But I wasn't ashamed of it.
Marc:I was somehow proud of it.
Marc:I really believe that in that moment, it's like I could see exactly where people's lives go who do all the preparation.
Marc:They get all their ducks in a row and then whatever you do with ducks in a row.
Marc:I don't know what you do with ducks in a row.
Marc:Is that like they're following you?
Marc:Are you one of the ducks in a row?
Marc:Are you behind a row of ducks?
Marc:Whatever the fuck it means.
Marc:So they got it all set up.
Marc:They've got steps to take.
Marc:I was just in a free fall.
Marc:I am in a horizontal free fall most of my life, which was very exciting.
Marc:So most of your energy doesn't go into anything productive in terms of looking at the future.
Marc:It's just a never ending, tumbling series of events and damage control following the events.
Marc:That's your job.
Marc:I'm in the damage control business.
Marc:And I don't know that I regret it.
Marc:I feel, I don't think I've ever felt this in my life before, but I'm quite proud of my life, even though I've been a filthy, dirty Jew, artistic bastard, comedian, unsuccessful husband, drug addict, freak.
Marc:But look, I made it through that tunnel and now I'm sitting here in my garage, the king of my garage.
Marc:So I was just, I guess what I'm sharing with you
Marc:is that I didn't feel like I had anything to hide.
Marc:Obviously, I didn't bring up the fact that I've been dating a dominatrix.
Marc:I didn't talk about doing cocaine.
Marc:If they want to hear that stuff, they can listen to the podcast.
Marc:But inside of me, it was teeming.
Marc:And there was part of me that was thinking, really?
Marc:There's not one fucking broken, badly adjusted youth here.
Marc:I mean, there's not one troubled.
Marc:Where are the troubled kids?
Marc:Do Greeks kill the troubled kids?
Marc:Do they put them out to pasture?
Marc:Do they kick them out?
Marc:Oh, my God.
Marc:But it was it was pretty nice.
Marc:It actually made me feel pretty good to be around a family that was so tight and and well adjusted.
Marc:Not that mine isn't, but they aren't.
Marc:And and I guess we celebrated Jesus, you know, coming back to life, the big trick.
Marc:And and we ate lamb and pastichio and the grape nut pudding was excellent.
Marc:I think that my my housemates parents liked me so they won't be shocked if indeed this turns into if we have children.
Marc:That's all I'm saying.
Marc:She doesn't know anything about this.
Marc:All right.
Marc:So don't say anything.
Marc:I don't know, man.
Marc:You seem to spend a lot more time out there than most people.
Guest:Well, I did, but I think the last year I've not done that much work.
Guest:It could be because I don't have anybody good working for me getting the gigs, but lots of so-called bigger name people are back in clubs.
Guest:Yeah, that's always good.
Guest:Nobody's doing theaters because it's too much of a risk.
Guest:I mean, unless you're an actual theater drawer.
Guest:Big drawer.
Guest:But now it's arenas.
Guest:People are doing arenas.
Marc:Yeah, I'm thinking about booking it.
Marc:My guest is Jim Short.
Marc:He's a journeyman comedian.
Marc:You may not know him because you should.
Marc:But he has a hard time promoting himself, and we're going to try to get to the bottom of that.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Is that what it is?
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:I've decided that you need- Is this the Marin- You're the Dr. Phil of podcasting, right?
Marc:That's right.
Marc:I'm just here to tell you that no one's going to come get you, Jim.
Marc:No.
Marc:No one's going to come get you and bring you in.
Marc:No.
Marc:You've got to bring yourself in.
Marc:No.
Marc:You've been on Conan, and you've been on Letterman, what, twice?
Marc:I was on Conan because of you.
Marc:I know.
Guest:Basically, you pulled the strings and made it happen.
Guest:I called up.
Guest:I said, this guy's good.
Guest:Put him on.
Guest:Weren't they looking for somebody, and they didn't want to go...
Guest:They were in a bind.
Guest:They were really strapped for somebody.
Guest:It was between Christmas and New Year's.
Guest:Right.
Guest:And you were on.
Guest:You were on the last show, and I was on the first show of the next year.
Marc:Yeah, the old show, they used to always have been in a bind, but nothing as big as the bind they were in a couple weeks ago.
Marc:What a bind, huh?
Marc:Yeah, they couldn't get out of that bind.
Guest:Maybe he did get out of that bind.
Guest:Well, they didn't want to.
Guest:I don't know.
Guest:It was a bad situation.
Guest:I went over there one day.
Guest:I was backstage.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And the place was just massive.
Guest:Did you go?
Guest:No.
Guest:No?
Marc:I wasn't going to go unless I went on.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:I don't go hangout places.
Marc:Okay.
Marc:It's just I've got... I just don't do it.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Well, you have such a relationship with the place, too.
Marc:Well, not really.
Marc:I had no relationship with that show.
Marc:I would have been on it.
Marc:Beforehand.
Guest:Yeah, I did.
Guest:But that didn't seem to carry over.
Guest:But I was leaving, and I walked down a hallway...
Guest:And the funny thing is I was just walking all over the place.
Guest:I mean, you know, within reason backstage.
Guest:Sure.
Guest:I walked down a hallway and then Conan just walked out from the show.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And I kind of turned around and left, went back to where I was because I'm not going to.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Hey, good show, man.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:How was that?
Guest:Maybe I'm in the wrong hallway.
Marc:I've come too far.
Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Marc:You'd just be sitting in Conan's office.
Guest:It was the hallway to leave.
Marc:Right.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:We're going to go back.
Guest:I was going to give him notes.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:I remember going on at Letterman and he and I was in the stairwell and he was running up and down the stairs.
Marc:Like, it looked like it was some sort of pre-show thing he did, like for exercise or something.
Guest:The stairwell that goes up to the dressing room?
Marc:Right.
Guest:And he was running up and down that?
Marc:Yeah, I saw him running down the stairs or running up the stairs.
Marc:Well, they kind of keep you away from everything, too.
Marc:Oh, Letterman, it's almost like you're Rapunzel.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:You're like in a tower.
Guest:Somebody comes to get you.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:You're up in this little room with one picture on the wall of like Joe Lewis or somebody or Judy Garland.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:And you feel like you're way up in the tower.
Marc:And then you have to walk downstairs for makeup.
Marc:It's like literally you're in some sort of weird cell up there.
Guest:Well, I did it once and I got bumped this time.
Guest:But I was up there and it was a full bunch of people because they were doing two shows at night.
Guest:So there was a band in one room.
Guest:uh an actor in the next room there was the main guest i think there's a floor downstairs where the big dressing room is and i was there but when i went back and actually did it i was up on that floor by myself and it is the weirdest feeling because it's just you up there and it was the first time i'd done the show so i was panicked like this i hope this goes well yeah and it's just this this silence of just being up there and just waiting i
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And Al Gore was the other guest, and they were like, oh, you can go down and talk to Al Gore if you want.
Guest:Like, yeah, I'm going to go just wander around and find Al.
Marc:Yeah, you know, I don't even know if I would take anyone up on that.
Marc:Yeah, I have a great deal of respect for Al Gore, but I couldn't imagine just chit-chatting, really.
Guest:I know.
Guest:I wanted to go look in his room and see, you know, did he leave all the lights on?
Guest:Did he?
Guest:Oh, yeah, right, right, right.
Guest:His laptop plugged in, and he put an extender.
Guest:Is he recharging his phone?
Guest:It was a waffle iron cooking.
Marc:Yeah, yeah, a curling iron, everything else.
Marc:A lot of wasted electricity.
Marc:Just walk in like, ow.
Marc:Hey, you know, if you're going to talk the talk, let's turn some of this shit off.
Marc:So, Jim, see, I should explain to people, Jim and I have a long friendship.
Marc:He knew me back in the day when I was still quite full of drugs, and he used to go on the road with me and sort of make sure I stayed out of trouble sometimes.
Marc:I think the Stones called it a minder.
Marc:A minder?
Marc:There was a couple weeks there where Jim was a minder.
Marc:I wasn't any good at it, though.
Marc:Back when I was married the first time.
Marc:Now, I remember in Sacramento, I think you saved my ass.
Guest:Well, there were different periods.
Guest:There was definitely sometimes the drinky Marin.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:There was the Cokey Marin.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:There was the milkshake Marin.
Guest:Oh, the milkshake Marin was- That was the easiest to deal with because-
Guest:Because, hey man, let's go get a black and tan over at that Johnny Rockets.
Marc:Or a black and white.
Marc:A black and white, yeah.
Guest:Yeah, well, that was the Sober Marin.
Guest:That was the easy one to deal with.
Guest:And then the real Cokie Marin was after that one.
Marc:Oh, really?
Marc:So I was clean for a while, doing the milkshakes, and then real Cokie Marin happened.
Marc:So Jim Short comes to us by way of Texas and before that by way of Australia.
Marc:I'm sure you noticed the accent.
Marc:Something's there, yeah.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:Something different.
Marc:You go back to Australia?
Guest:I try to go back once a year or so if I can, but it's not easy.
Guest:Are the folks who's there?
Guest:Are they back there?
Guest:My parents are back there right now, yeah.
Guest:And they live there?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:That's a long trip.
Guest:It is a long journey.
Guest:Do you work there?
Guest:No.
Guest:You haven't?
Guest:No, I couldn't get any work over there.
Guest:You couldn't?
Guest:No, there's nothing.
Guest:There's nothing?
Guest:Not for me.
Guest:Come on.
Guest:I don't know.
Guest:I think you've got to be there for a while.
Guest:You've got to sort of... I'd go over and do sets and nobody was impressed.
Marc:They resented you.
Guest:I just don't think they can.
Marc:You're like a black guy that talks like a white person in Australia.
Marc:He's been encultured by the whites in America.
Marc:Yes, yeah, yeah.
Marc:He's too... He's too... He's been changed by them.
Guest:No, I think if you're not there plugging away at it... Like, I would go there every year or every year and a half.
Guest:It just doesn't have any weight.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And...
Guest:i mean i i don't have they're just pretty they're pretty easy going over there as far as like yeah mate yeah whatever you know check i worked in sydney they take they take some they they're not in a rush to do anything i know that's so if you're there for three weeks and you're trying to get a guest set i was there and i sent him like some tv stuff i'd done to one of the clubs and right before i'm about to leave they called me up and said yeah why don't you come on down and do do some time like well i'm leaving tomorrow yeah
Marc:thanks for getting you know back to me but i think they're just nobody's in any rush to do anything and yeah i well in sydney it was it's a lot like you know it's a very modern city but there's not a lot of stress there there is that attitude like you know we're fucking australia what difference does it make no one's coming by no and you know what's funny is i'm in australia and they have this attitude where it's sort of like uh they feel safe down there i mean it's like no one's gonna bomb australia what's the point right like there's definitely this attitude down there it's like yeah fuck it we're australia yeah yeah yeah
Guest:We're just down here.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Well, you know when you go to the beach?
Guest:In Sydney?
Guest:No, any beach community anywhere, and it's really slow, and everybody's on their own sort of pace, and nothing gets done.
Guest:Imagine a whole nation like that.
Guest:Imagine a whole country that's at the beach.
Guest:That's what Australia is.
Guest:It's like, yeah, well, my joke about it is it's like the motto is like, you know, we'll try and do it today.
Guest:But if we don't, we'll do it tomorrow.
Guest:Right.
Guest:You know, or next week.
Guest:Give me a ring.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:It's like Indian time.
Marc:I once read a book about Indians on the reservation.
Marc:I can't remember which reservation.
Marc:It's called On the Res.
Marc:And they just have this...
Marc:Like, things are done relative to how long it's going to take to sort of get anywhere.
Marc:And, like, they don't... There's this thing, like, if they needed to get up early, they'd drink a lot more water at night, so they have to get up to pee.
Marc:Oh, it forces them up?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:And that, like, to fix a car could take a week because they've got to figure out how to go get the part.
Marc:And it's not that they're stupid.
Marc:They just don't have... There's no impending need to get it done, so everything's built around the process of doing it, which isn't so horrible.
Marc:I don't necessarily think Australia's like that, but...
Marc:But I kind of respected that just kind of like no real time schedule.
Guest:Well, I think Melbourne, Sydney, you know, I think stuff is a little there's a lot more going on.
Guest:But up in Queensland, where my parents live, it's, you know, there are still points where, you know, everything closes.
Guest:about five in the afternoon and they have late night shopping on thursday once a week yeah that's hilarious and so when you've lived in the states where there's 24 hour stuff and yeah and everything i mean there's a few later night things going on but people don't people don't want to be there the whole thing is they don't want to work uh past five o'clock why should we why should we work i kind of respect that but something something made me frightened at the thought of
Guest:Because the thought is like, oh, maybe I want to go buy something or get something.
Guest:Or do something.
Marc:Yeah, do something.
Marc:It costs money.
Marc:Where can I spend money?
Guest:I mean, clubs and pubs and places like that are open.
Guest:But shopping and whatever.
Guest:But I'm used to shopping at 2 in the morning, coming back from a gig or whatever.
Guest:But then you get down there and you get caught into that thing.
Guest:I'm like, I don't know.
Guest:I don't have to do it today.
Guest:It's very intoxicating.
Guest:It'll win you over.
Guest:Are you going to move there?
Guest:Why am I running?
Marc:Well, I might have to.
Guest:I might have to.
Guest:I might have to go back and get some health insurance somewhere.
Marc:Do they have national health insurance there?
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:Did you get covered?
Guest:Are you an Australian citizen?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:You've got to be there for a while to get that.
Guest:But they also have a health insurance that you can buy.
Guest:But it's not like here where you've got to spend all this money on it.
Guest:Right.
Guest:And you get a certain amount of it back.
Guest:It's not cost prohibitive to have medical insurance over it.
Guest:That's almost worth it.
Guest:But it's also, you know, the thing about it is the population is not that big.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:You've got a country that's geographically the size of the U.S.,
Marc:no one's there with the population of texas yeah there's a few cities on the sides in the middle is just a big empty wasteland yeah just like barren isn't it yeah i didn't go out there i'd like to go out there to see the big uh rock well you you you did that gig in sydney a couple years ago but you did melbourne many years ago right but that was one of the worst experiences of my life i was sent home from a country sent home because i had a nervous breakdown
Marc:It was horrendous.
Marc:Well, it's funny because most people were deported to Australia.
Marc:No.
Marc:You were sent out.
Marc:I was sent home for having a nervous breakdown.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:I don't like telling that story because there's no positive there.
Marc:There's no like, hey.
Marc:And then I run into Mary Toobin years later, and I'm like, oh my God.
Marc:And nothing ever goes away in this business.
Marc:Right.
Marc:But the weird thing was is I had not seen her in a long time, and I went to Scotland.
Marc:And then...
Marc:That guy walks in.
Marc:A guy who... I didn't recognize him at first, but I knew his name because I said it in the story.
Marc:A guy walks into the bar in Scotland and...
Marc:And I'm like, oh, my God, I know that guy.
Marc:It was that guy who opened for me in Melbourne, that guy, Greg Fleet.
Marc:Right.
Marc:So I said, I know you.
Marc:And he's I'm like, I'm the guy.
Marc:Remember, they sent me home.
Marc:He's like, oh, yeah, kind of.
Marc:But I had no idea that over the years, because this, you know, this is there's 10, 12 years between then and now.
Marc:I mean, that must have been 1991, 92.
Marc:And I was just in Scotland last year.
Marc:So 15 years.
Marc:Right.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:And I hadn't seen Fleet, and I didn't know he was a notorious fuck-up, like a complete strung-out heroin junkie.
Marc:Oh, really?
Marc:Yeah, like everyone's just waiting around for him to die, but everyone loves him kind of guy.
Marc:So I had no idea his life or his history, but he sits down with me, and the waitress comes over and takes the order, and I just have a club soda, and he's like, I should be having that too.
Marc:And I go, why?
Marc:He goes, I just got out of rehab.
Marc:And I'm like, oh, all right, well, maybe you should.
Marc:And then we started talking, and I'm a sober guy, right?
Marc:And then, you know, for some reason, you know, he's been in and out of rehabs for, you know, 15 years, you know, and has a really bad problem and can't stay sober.
Marc:And I talked some shit to him.
Marc:And somehow or another, we ended up going to meetings every day that I was in Scotland.
Marc:Really?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:So I actually, you know, succeeded.
Marc:And everyone's shocked because, you know, it was the Fringe Festival and everyone just gets fucked up.
Marc:But he stayed sober for that month because I somehow inspired him.
Marc:I don't know what happened to him.
Marc:But it was sort of this weird round the horn closure to the whole Melbourne experience that somehow I made up for it.
Guest:That's the whole reason you went to Melbourne.
Guest:You were placed into his life.
Guest:Right.
Guest:So that later on you could give him one month of sobriety in Scotland.
Marc:I think there's a gift to that.
Marc:It made me feel pretty good.
Marc:It made Scotland all the more tolerable because that was no fucking party.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Now, when you started doing it, I remember when you first started, you didn't lean on the Australian thing too much.
Marc:Do you do it more now?
Guest:I talk about it a little bit only because I've gone over to visit, so I have some jokes about it, but I try not to overdo it.
Guest:But, you know, I mean, I'll talk about a bit of this and that.
Guest:I mean, sometimes you just have to...
Guest:You just talk about whatever is funny.
Guest:And since I've gone there to visit a few times, I've gotten some jokes about just being there.
Guest:Because I go back there.
Guest:I don't live there.
Guest:I haven't lived there in 30 years.
Guest:So it's a foreign place to me in a lot of ways.
Guest:But you've still got a heavy accent, right?
Guest:Yeah, but it's morphed over a bit.
Guest:I mean, because I've been here for so long, it sort of changes.
Guest:In fact, when my Letterman episode aired in Australia...
Guest:People from there emailed me and said, you might be fooling the Yanks, but we know better.
Guest:You're kidding.
Guest:The fucking bastards down there.
Guest:They will not.
Guest:They hate everyone, including their own.
Guest:What would they rather than good on you, mate?
Guest:You know, apparently I'm the only Australian born person that did stand up on Letterman.
Guest:I don't know if that's still the case, but it was.
Guest:Is that true?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And they were mad about that.
Guest:Well, they were mad that I was a fake.
Guest:How are you a fake?
Guest:I don't know.
Guest:I guess I don't sound Australian enough.
Guest:Because you don't live there?
Guest:I mean, what the fuck is that about?
Guest:They thought I was pretending to be from Australia because there's so much to be gained by that.
Guest:I'm living in Hollywood now and just living off my Australian-ness.
Guest:Yeah, how's that going?
Guest:Yeah, I'm hanging out with Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban every night and throwing phones with Russell Crowe, your old mate.
Marc:Russell Crowe.
Guest:What's up, buddy?
Guest:Who's actually from New Zealand.
Guest:Really?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:So when he wins awards, he's Australian.
Guest:When he throws phones and does bad shit, he's from New Zealand.
Guest:So what's it like out there, man?
Guest:Well, I think in the last few years, people have... Well, it just depends.
Guest:Because I haven't worked as much over the last couple years as I used to.
Guest:Especially this last year.
Guest:Because there's not as much work going.
Guest:Stand-up club work.
Guest:And it really is that thing like, if you're not famous, people aren't coming out for you.
Guest:They might get some people in, but it's not because of you.
Guest:It's because they've given them free tickets or...
Guest:radio giveaways right and honestly because it's become such a fame culture yeah that honestly if they don't know who you are they're sort of not interested and some of these clubs and so it just depends on where it is because i used to be of the mind that i could go anywhere and i could do what i do and they're all going to get it because basically people well you're strong comic if they pay attention sure but now i think they're just getting in people that they're
Guest:Just coming in for free who not really invested anything in in the night.
Guest:Yeah, and the attention span I mean you'll have the the opener and then the feature go up and within about 10 minutes of your set They're sort of like we're done.
Guest:Yeah, they have this about this hour and three minute attention span and This sort of done and then the last call and then checks and so there's like this 25 minutes slog and
Guest:through your silly jokes that you love.
Guest:And they're all sitting there going, why is it?
Guest:Sometimes I feel like Truman Capote up there reading them a book.
Guest:Like they're just looking at me like, why is this man just speaking to us?
Guest:Where is he from?
Guest:What is this?
Guest:What does he need from us, this fellow?
Guest:In some places, I was up outside of Detroit.
Guest:I was in Toledo.
Guest:And they booed me because I was from another country.
Guest:When was that?
Guest:About a year ago.
Guest:Really?
Guest:I got up there and I said, you know, because I have to address it.
Guest:I said, I'm not from here.
Guest:I'm from another country.
Guest:And I got some jokes to go with it.
Guest:And somebody goes, boo.
Guest:really yeah and and it's this little sort of xenophobic sort of thing going on now there are some great places to play you can go to seattle and you can go to washington dc and here and there and whatever but uh there are just some places where people find a i don't know it's just but i also think it's it's how clubs are run too if you got somebody who knows how to run a club yeah um yeah and in some places it's not the case
Marc:It's gotten a lot better for me in terms of judging audiences because I've got a few people coming out to see me, but I just go back and forth between looking at audiences and thinking like, oh, God, what am I got to say to those people?
Marc:They're all awful.
Marc:They're just a horrible group of people that are...
Guest:It makes it sound so bad the way we're going on about it.
Guest:But I think that you'd find if you talk to somebody who's really successful and popular, they'd give you a completely different story.
Guest:It could just be that nobody's coming to see me.
Guest:So that's what I have to do.
Guest:You have to now win people over.
Guest:And unfortunately, you want to get up there and talk about...
Guest:Not necessarily important issues or, you know, I'm going to change because nobody's changing the world with comedy.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:But you might be able to bring up this or that or certain things that are in the news and people just don't want to hear about it.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:They're like, we didn't come here to learn.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Why don't we direct people to your website because Jim could sell some CDs.
Marc:Let's sell some Jim CDs.
Guest:I don't think they're even available on the website right now.
Guest:What the fuck does that mean?
Guest:I'm out of them.
Guest:Are you really?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Well, you gotta get some printed up?
Guest:Probably so, yeah.
Guest:Want to sell some of mine?
Guest:Yeah, let's sell some Marin CDs.
Guest:I'm trying to remember the first time, because I'd seen you on TV.
Marc:Yeah, your favorite story about me is when I was compulsively, uh, you know, polishing a box.
Guest:Oh, that was one of the stories, yeah.
Marc:Yeah, when I was married to Kim and I was just like, I got obsessed with this wooden box that I really needed to sand and polish.
Marc:You always bring that up.
Marc:That's a good one.
Marc:That was like some obsessive weird thing I was doing to avoid my life, polishing boxes.
Marc:Then Sacramento.
Marc:I remember Sacramento.
Marc:I think that was milkshakes and maybe a little Coke.
Marc:But there was a period there where I needed you around so I wouldn't sleep with girls on the road.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:My wife's back.
Marc:The first wife.
Marc:You helped me out, man.
Marc:I appreciate it.
Marc:That was fairly successful, yeah.
Marc:Yeah, we worked out.
Guest:It worked out.
Guest:Well, I'd met you in Austin briefly.
Guest:We had dinner somewhere.
Guest:Right.
Guest:You and I and a few others, but I didn't really know you.
Guest:But we worked together in Walnut Creek.
Guest:That's right.
Guest:That was the first time I really got to know you.
Guest:And everybody was like, it was my first week to work there.
Guest:And everyone was like, who are you working with?
Guest:I said, I'm working with Marc Maron.
Guest:And people would go, ooh.
Guest:Oh, come on.
Guest:Well, because you weren't known to be very friendly or nice.
Yeah.
Guest:Oh.
Guest:Should I not bring this up?
Guest:No, no.
Guest:Is this not what the show is about?
Guest:Oh, it is about that.
Guest:But I think, so I was panicked.
Guest:And I get up there and I'm doing my stuff.
Guest:And then I think I did a joke that wasn't necessarily similar to one of yours, but it was on the same sort of theme and topic.
Guest:Right.
Guest:And probably not as good.
Guest:I don't know about that.
Guest:and then so you get up there and you're like uh whatever you know you come in with the long hair at that point yeah and uh and you're up there and you're like well i'd like to talk about such and such but it's already been touched upon tonight oh i was like oh shit i better go grovel in front of the and then you were fine yeah you ended up being great we ended up yeah hanging out being friends until about a year ago and then that it all ended yeah
Guest:on dude no and then we started hanging out because you're like how come nobody hangs out with me nobody hangs out with me i know and so uh you'll work in the punchline san francisco the next week so i come and hung out with you and well jim i've had many adventures since we have and you yes you you were there for me during this horrendous divorce time that was one of the high point the highlights of my divorce was a jim short moment i'm fucking a broken man
Marc:And I'm at my house and Jim comes over and I'm just like, it was just relentless.
Marc:I think I cried.
Marc:I started crying because I just couldn't handle it anymore.
Marc:And then Jim's over and I'm like, let's just watch a movie, man.
Marc:Let's just get a little peace, right?
Marc:And I turned the DVD player on and it's fucking broken.
Marc:And I pulled it out.
Marc:I unplugged it.
Marc:I went onto my front porch and I threw it against the ground until it shattered into several pieces.
Marc:And I was like, it's nothing.
Marc:Fuck.
Marc:I just fucking lost it.
Marc:I'm weeping.
Marc:And Jim just goes, Jim splits.
Marc:I left.
Marc:I have no idea.
Marc:I'm like, what the fuck?
Marc:I just overloaded him.
Marc:He couldn't handle it.
Marc:Couldn't handle the emotion.
Marc:And then about a half hour later, Jim shows up with a brand new DVD player in a box.
Marc:And I'm like, oh my God, that's the best thing that ever happened.
Marc:That was fucking awesome.
Marc:And we sat there and watched movies.
Marc:That was great.
Marc:And I appreciate that.
Marc:You've been a good friend, buddy.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Wow.
Marc:I wanted to see how the movie ended.
Guest:But that's what you do.
Guest:There's not much I can do about your divorce situation.
Marc:That's right.
Guest:But as far as the broken DVD player, I can fix that.
Guest:Target is just down the street.
Guest:I got there 15 minutes before it closed.
Marc:I don't know how you pulled that off.
Marc:You fucking pulled it off.
Marc:I'll never forget that, man.
Marc:Well, thanks for stopping by the garage, buddy.
Marc:Thank you very much, Mike.
Marc:I'm running a small business, Greg.
Marc:This is the future.
Marc:This is survival.
Marc:What we're doing here in the garage is survival.
Marc:I'm sorry, but our dreams have not worked out the way we wanted them to.
Marc:Tell me about it, Mark.
Marc:And somebody's going to have to grow the fuck up and take the next step.
Marc:And if I'm the guy that has to do it, I'll do it.
Guest:If it's going to be you growing the fuck up, I say right on.
Guest:I'll jump on dock of you growing up.
Guest:Because apparently I'm still emotionally immature.
Guest:And feel that live performing is somehow rewarding.
Marc:I find it very rewarding.
Marc:You know what it comes down to is, after a certain point, how much ass can you kiss?
Marc:And how many people do you have to sort of placate and cajole into working you?
Guest:Fair enough.
Guest:Has it ever been different?
Guest:But as you said, since the dreams don't work out, there's that whole...
Guest:block of that the giant cloud that that used to be pink and purple and promising and is now black and dark and foreboding and horrible and impossible to get through because it feels gelatinous as you go through it that was my morning anyway i was hoping to come in here and be peppier but
Guest:Apparently, disappointment sort of clouded my cloud.
Marc:On the mic, Greg Proops in a chipper mood.
Marc:Now we're going to get the dark improvisational ramblings of Greg Proops.
Guest:Yeah, that's exactly how I want to come across to your public, Mark.
Guest:I want to be the depressive answer to you.
Guest:I don't know you to be that way.
Marc:I'm not, no, really.
Marc:I find that in my experience with you, you've been a warrior against that.
Marc:You've been a strong proponent of lyrical denial for as long as I can...
Guest:Thank you.
Guest:That's exactly.
Guest:And if I may use that, I'm going to use that as a poll quote from now on because I love log rolling with other people I know.
Guest:I'm going to say it was, what is it?
Guest:Lyrical, the proponent of lyrical denial.
Marc:Yeah, proponent of lyrical denial.
Guest:I love that.
Guest:I love that.
Guest:That's exactly what I do because I refuse to be neurotic on stage or depressive or revelatory.
Guest:Why you got to make fun of me now?
Guest:A confessional.
Guest:Exactly.
Guest:Like you do.
Guest:Thank you for making me put that on.
Guest:But I am a lyrical denier on stage of any kind of depression.
Marc:Well, that's interesting because I was wondering about that when I was going to have you on.
Marc:I have a lot of people on the show that I've known for a long time.
Marc:But do people know the real Greg Proops?
Guest:God, I hope not.
Guest:Because I don't think you want anyone to know the real you.
Guest:I think that's the best part of show business.
Guest:And the interweb, as we've been discussing previously to coming on WTF.
Guest:I think the Internet has allowed a whole new generation to be lied to basically better, almost better than when people didn't have all the mass communication and access to information because the stream of lies is so unrelenting that like Wikipedia, for instance, there's nothing factual on it at all.
Guest:There's lies about me on my own Wikipedia.
Marc:It's like, can't you fix that?
Marc:Yeah, that's because people can just get on there.
Marc:Hold on one second.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Can't anybody just get on there and just change it?
Marc:I think so.
Marc:So what the fuck good is it?
Marc:It isn't.
Marc:And anybody who uses the internet as some sort of resource, like I saw it on the internet, is it like, what, are you retarded?
Marc:I mean, that's the weird thing about things now is that people can now cherry pick information that fits their ideology or their belief system and say, it's validated.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:It's bullshit.
Marc:Yeah, look, it's printed on the cyber bank account.
Marc:I saw it on my computer.
Marc:Like people still have this relationship with the computer as like they did in 1950s movie.
Marc:Like it's this giant world with giant spinning wheels.
Marc:It's like, it's smarter than anything we know.
Guest:It knows everything because it's so fast.
Guest:It's faster than a book is.
Guest:And look at all the lights.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:No, there's no fact checking.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I think you can build a legend now, and that's what I'm trying to do, is just lie even more on the internet, because I think it's better than your real life.
Guest:No one wants to know that you sit at home and cry, or that your horrible insecurities... Cry and masturbate and make your significant other feel horrible because you're so fucking miserable.
Guest:Exactly.
Guest:Or the bitterness that you feel toward your fellow friends and colleagues.
Guest:No one wants to know about that, so I try to keep it a little peppier on stage, but...
Marc:What did Kravitz used to call him?
Marc:That's Jim Short on the other mic.
Marc:But Kravitz used to call the television the resentment box.
Guest:It still is, if you know how to watch.
Guest:I mean, I'm not resentful of Snooki or JWoww or anything like that.
Marc:I'm just fascinated that you know who they are.
Marc:I had to learn who Snooki was the other night because a joke was written for a show I was involved with, and I was like, what am I missing?
Marc:And then I realized nothing.
Guest:oh no you're not missing anything but you do have to know the references like i've never watched the kardashians but i know who all of them are and everything yeah you have an awareness of these people do you really you do too well because it's in it's in the well you could choose to ignore it yeah but it's out there i mean i hadn't watched mtv in probably decades and then with all this i was in a condo and and i watched some of it uh and it's just you just go what this is ridiculous
Guest:Oh, I know.
Marc:See, that's how you can't, you have to, the only way the comics can be up on the references is if they're on the road and they've got nine, you know, 10 hours a day to sit and watch television.
Marc:That's what it is, yeah.
Marc:And you're looking at it.
Guest:Is it?
Guest:Well, yeah, I mean, I used to read the tabloids, but my soul actually turned into a horrible briquette and just a cinder.
Guest:After a couple of, I was reading them for years on the road and then I'd give them to the, you know, the flight attendants and then they love you, but...
Guest:Yeah, I was like, I know who Heidi and Spencer are.
Guest:I've never watched their show, The Hills or whatever.
Guest:And then it occurs to me that half the people I read about in those magazines, I've never heard them speak, even the actors.
Guest:You know, there'll be so many new actors and you'll go, I don't know what- I don't either.
Guest:How about- A girl from Gossip Girl sounds like.
Marc:I don't know.
Marc:But is this just by virtue of the fact that we're just fucking old now?
Guest:Yes.
Marc:Yes.
Marc:It is, right?
Guest:Partly.
Marc:I mean, because you don't walk into them.
Marc:Why would you walk into them?
Guest:It's also the notion of fame.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Because you can be famous now just because you're known.
Marc:Yeah, for a half hour you can be famous.
Guest:It's not for your work or whatever.
Guest:I mean, those Jersey Shore people, it's like you go, holy Jesus Christ.
Marc:I think Andy Warhol was actually off by maybe 18 minutes.
Marc:I think it's probably 33 minutes or so.
Guest:Not everybody would be famous for two seasons.
Marc:Yeah, yeah, for a couple of seasons.
Marc:I'll take two.
Marc:Greg, you were pretty famous for a while.
Guest:What does Bela Lugosi say in the Edward movie?
Guest:He goes, they're using you, Bella.
Guest:And he goes, let them use me.
Guest:Let them take pictures, who cares?
Marc:I need a fix.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:What do you think of, like, how do you assess the success of Dancing with Stars and American Idol and the amateur show?
Marc:I just don't understand.
Guest:That fine 1940s broadcasting that we've come to know and love again in our era.
Marc:That's what it is, right.
Guest:If I had given you the idea, if I'd said, boys, 10 years ago, let's go in and pitch a show where it's a talent contest and everyone's terrible.
Yeah.
Guest:One of the judges is mean you'd go like dude.
Marc:They're gonna throw us out of there But but now it's like every show is formatted like that Everything's a competition and everything is open to amateurs And that's how things are determined in terms of what's gonna be on and how program is record deals and who sells records the record industry is completely gone except for
Guest:you know, what's her name?
Guest:Carrie Underwood and Kelly Pickler.
Guest:A single a year from each other.
Guest:But the whole culture is like that.
Guest:When we're talking about the presidency, to me, it's almost like you're not president anymore.
Guest:You won the contest.
Guest:It's presidential idol.
Guest:That's right.
Guest:That's so true, man.
Guest:And you get to look good up there until the next cat comes along and people vote on him.
Guest:And there's mean judges on your ass the whole time.
Marc:Absolutely.
Marc:So basically it's just- And cheerleaders like Paula.
Marc:Keep this illusion going and keep the money coming in.
Marc:But what is it saying about the American people?
Marc:Why do they watch it?
Marc:Because they're thinking like, oh, anybody can do this.
Marc:Or I could do this.
Guest:You can watch it with your family for one thing.
Guest:And you don't have to explain to your five-year-old children what Filatio is or whatever.
Guest:Right.
Guest:Horrible jokes are going down on the network, right?
Guest:If you watch network sitcoms, they're almost all venal evil jokes.
Marc:You got we wouldn't do them on stage And now there's this movement in sitcoms where you that people don't even talk like people talk Not that they did to begin with but at least there was some emotional connection between an ensemble And now it's just these weird ironic joke machines.
Marc:Yeah, you know just talking to at each other and
Guest:And because the writers tend to skew a little younger, it tends to be fairly graphic and not a lot of subtlety, and they don't like to spin things.
Guest:They like to throw everything right down the middle.
Marc:I don't watch anything.
Marc:I seem to be moving further away from references to just broad philosophical ideas.
Guest:bad okay you guys Carlin died right yeah and then you know how Carlin always said he didn't he dropped doing topical because he hated to work for a year on a piece and then of course it's gone into garbage right cares about Karl Rove now right so my 10 minutes on Karl Rove is history so he went to the bigger broader you know I think yes of course he still did even on some of the later specials I believe there's a fuck Lance Armstrong thing that goes on for 10 minutes which will not stand the test of time but Lance Armstrong has legs
Guest:Right, but if it... Yeah, and ball.
Guest:Yeah, ball one.
Guest:One ball.
Guest:But the... I've been thinking about that ever since the day he died, because I kept thinking, it really does behoove you to kind of pick a bigger, broader palette and sort of...
Marc:I always did that by virtue of the fact that I just don't check into that shit.
Marc:I can't do my homework.
Marc:I'm always going to be one step behind in terms of pop culture.
Marc:And my brain doesn't work that way.
Marc:I'm so busy trying to resolve dense intellectual existential issues on a day-to-day basis because that's what I wake up with is trying to figure out the human condition somehow.
Guest:Did you see Bush at all doing the double act with Clinton when we're going to save Haiti?
Marc:No.
Guest:Because this is his I'm sorry about Katrina time.
Guest:Now he's come back to kind of go without saying it, obviously.
Guest:Everything's subtext with him.
Guest:Because when Katrina happened, fantastic.
Guest:I was in Europe at the time, and the picture on the cover of all the British papers was the two people with help.
Guest:Remember that one written on the ground?
Guest:Yeah, yeah.
Guest:And the scheidenfreude of all the European stations was fantastic.
Guest:It was really, and I watched the Spanish station, the German station, the French station.
Guest:They would just come on and would, good evening, I told you so.
Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest:Look at the black people floating down the canal.
Guest:I told you, I told you.
Guest:And it's humiliating, you know.
Guest:So now he's out, and then they put him on TV with Clinton.
Guest:And, of course, Clinton...
Guest:able to articulate an idea.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Sometimes a bit long-winded, but certainly able to get the message across of what he's trying to say.
Guest:Bush says, after they cut to him, well, my mother calls me the other stepbrother.
Guest:And he meant Clinton.
Guest:Right.
Guest:But he said me.
Guest:And then he had to amend it.
Guest:But I meant me!
Guest:And like, we know what you meant.
Guest:We already speak Bushese.
Guest:We speak W. You don't actually ever say... When you said you were the commander guy, we understood.
Guest:That meant you...
Guest:have a button on your desk and that guy carries the thing with you and then he goes there's a very serious situation down there people don't even know if they can drink water I was like well again it always comes down to like weird food things again right I know what you mean there's no water and the people need water but you didn't say that you meant they physically can't drink water which I believe they can
Guest:I don't think the earthquake removed everybody's ability to consume water.
Guest:And then what should we do, Mr. President?
Guest:Should we donate to a charity?
Guest:Should we arrive there with blankets and soup?
Guest:He went, just send cash.
Guest:Yeah, just send cash.
Guest:Which was one of the best things he's ever said.
Guest:Just send cash.
Guest:Finally, we're down to it.
Guest:Just send cash.
Marc:To whom he did not indicate.
Marc:Somewhere.
Marc:You really got the feeling when that happened that they woke him up to do that.
Marc:He couldn't be more happy with just sitting at home.
Guest:He's thrilled to be in Texas and Dallas just sitting there.
Guest:Chilling out.
Guest:Riding his bike.
Guest:I give him credit for it because he's the anti-Cheney at this point.
Guest:I mean, he doesn't say anything about Obama.
Guest:He's had the class and dignity not to, frankly.
Guest:And, like, Clinton didn't when Bush took over.
Guest:They would keep going to him and go, aren't you going to slam him?
Guest:And he'd go, no.
Guest:He got the ball now, man.
Guest:That's how that works.
Guest:I danced for the people for a while.
Guest:Eisenhower detested Kennedy.
Guest:I mean, detested him.
Guest:And didn't say a bloody word, you know?
Guest:And it's like, for Cheney to keep coming up every two weeks and going, he's going to get us all killed.
Guest:You're like...
Guest:Could you calm down?
Guest:You had the ball for so long, buddy.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Now, let's see if we can do some future.
Marc:Let's look into the future.
Marc:What do you think is going to happen?
Guest:Oh, golly.
Guest:I don't know, Mark.
Guest:I can't even predict who's going to win sporting events.
Guest:I'm the worst gambler and I'm the worst prognosticator in the world, even though I am known as Proopstradamus.
Yeah.
Guest:I think that things are going to get worse before they get better, and then eventually things will get better.
Guest:I do think this, having been Mr. Depression today, gay marriage, legalized marijuana, abortion, all the things that, you know, gun control, whatever you can think of, that people get so very upset about and stamp their feet and grind their fists into their hips and go, this should never happen, it'll ruin the world.
Guest:All those things are going to happen.
Guest:And my evidence is, if you want to get to a super basic, stupid CNN level of discourse here, we have a black president, for better or worse, no matter how much of a groomed corporate tool he was or whatever.
Marc:Yeah, I'm still on board with that.
Guest:You know what I'm saying?
Guest:The last election featured two women who are enormously powerful and famous now.
Guest:Sarah Palin and Hillary Clinton might be the two most famous politicians from America in the world.
Guest:The world.
Guest:So that's different than it was when we were teenagers.
Marc:So that's a cultural indicator.
Guest:Markedly different.
Guest:The fact that we have a million medical marijuana dispensaries in California, is it going to sweep the nation?
Guest:Maybe, but it means that it's inevitable.
Marc:And if the government can get their hands on it, that means they'll make money off it.
Marc:I mean, that's the weird thing about the cash crop thing, is that eventually that's going to take precedent, isn't it?
Guest:Portugal and Spain have abortion and gay marriage, so that's all you need to know about the world.
Guest:Portugal and Spain are not forward-thinking, prescient, leaping into the future.
Marc:The Catholic countries.
Guest:Right.
Guest:So...
Guest:All these things people think they can stop cannot be stopped.
Guest:You thought you could stop having a black president?
Guest:You got a black president.
Guest:You think there's not going to be a woman?
Guest:There's going to be a woman.
Marc:But there's also the angles.
Marc:The only way they can be stopped is if they start corralling people into pens and putting them in camps again.
Marc:And that's one of those things that's like, that's not going to happen here.
Guest:Oh, yes, it will.
Marc:Well, that's the thing.
Guest:You're into Katrina.
Guest:They put people in camps.
Marc:Yeah, I always like I don't get too crazy with it.
Marc:But if you really think about the way that corporations manage power, if there's any benefit to it, is that, well, they'll take the hit and they'll let a lot of poor people die and they'll deny a lot of people a lot of shit.
Marc:But if the bulk of the people are still like, you know, retarded and feeding, they're fine with that.
Marc:So so the one thing that may that corporatism may provide us is some sort of fight against an aggressive Christian fascist element.
Guest:Quite possibly.
Marc:I'm sorry, did I get all heady and weird?
Guest:No, I agree, but I think, you know, our short-ass history and our lack of knowing anything about history is what prevents us from understanding that it's okay for countries not to be on top for a while.
Guest:To be the number one country in the world is kind of an illusory thing, because I can point you to 20 different countries that were.
Guest:Sure.
Guest:They aren't not no more, and they ain't not going to be not never again.
Guest:And they're doing fine.
Guest:You know, they're still alive.
Marc:England, Germany.
Guest:People say we're number one, and we're number one.
Guest:It's like, it's actually not that important.
Guest:We'll all be... Portugal before the Spanish.
Guest:People quaked in fear that they thought the Portuguese were going to open all the spice routes, get the whole new world to themselves.
Guest:It required mad wars and genocide to keep the Portuguese from ruling the freaking world.
Marc:Wow.
Guest:Then it was the Spanish, then it's the French, then it's the German.
Marc:Everyone should buy a Chinese flag and just have it, you know, because they're ready.
Guest:China and India are the future, and I think that we're never going to be really ready to deal with that because we've never, even though how much, and we're, you know, San Francisco-type comics.
Guest:China, always kind of a player and...
Marc:there well the funniest thing about people like you know ranting and raving about communism everything else it's like if you shop just about anywhere certainly walmart you're supporting communism absolutely we're all supporting we're all wearing communist pants that's so funny that's what i love about them always saying things like we stopped communism when a billion people what is it a fifth of the world are communist i don't think that qualifies stop for me that's right and also you're wearing a communist uniform i know it's levi's in a shirt but surprise it was made
Guest:Yeah, we've all done time in San Francisco.
Guest:Just put it like this.
Guest:You ever try to get a seat on a bus in Chinatown?
Guest:Exactly.
Guest:Yeah, get used to it.
Guest:The 30 Stockton.
Guest:That's going to be America, I think, in the future.
Guest:I think young people are, at the same time as being fascists, hip-er than they were.
Guest:Because young people don't give a toss about medical marijuana or gay marriage or any of those things that seem to be stuck in the middle of... What do they give a fuck about?
Marc:Oh, honey.
Guest:I can't...
Guest:I can't tell you.
Guest:I'm hoping that they're not Snooki and Heidi Pratt.
Guest:I don't think they are.
Guest:I think there's other people.
Marc:They seem smarter and less sexually inhibited and also more technically savvy.
Marc:Way more.
Marc:But I don't know if they're concerned.
Guest:Well, they're just texting.
Guest:They're just texting.
Marc:I just text.
Guest:I almost killed myself texting.
Guest:They're constantly texting.
Guest:I've been in that place.
Guest:I always say, when the history of this decade is poorly tweeted, the history of the decade will be 140 characters or less.
Guest:WTF, everything sucked.
Guest:Sad face, sad face.
Marc:I tweet too, and the thing that really, around this whole Haiti thing, is that this weird kind of like fashionable concern.
Guest:Oh, I know.
Marc:Like people can't get it together to help their fucking neighbor, but when there's some sort of trendy concern.
Marc:You can text and help people.
Marc:I know.
Guest:You don't have to do anything.
Guest:So the day of it, it was raining here and you know, it's just cause it's LA and I was making a bad joke.
Guest:I wrote the rain, it's raining in LA.
Guest:The tragedy continues.
Guest:Well, it happened to be the day Haiti happened.
Guest:And I got a bunch of anti tweets going, Hey, you use the word tragedy today.
Guest:That's uncool.
Guest:It was like, you guys,
Guest:It was a bad joke.
Guest:I mean, I appreciate that Haiti is a horrible situation, and I'm assuming there's people and places dealing with it, and I've sent money and all that jazz, but we work in clubs in America.
Guest:People don't have any money, and they don't have any prospects right now, and things are shocking in this country.
Guest:Shocking.
Guest:And things are falling apart, and businesses are closing in and stuff.
Guest:Like you said, helping your neighbor is just about as important.
Guest:I remember when 9-11 happened, I would say to people,
Guest:You know, there's people who live down the block from you that need help.
Marc:Right.
Guest:Never, you know, there's really nothing you can do now that 9-11's done.
Marc:But it's like these overnight trends.
Marc:I'm glad that people are concerned.
Marc:I'm glad that money's going to the right place.
Marc:But they use it to define their lack of conscience in their regular lives.
Marc:Is that, you know, somehow or another, they never think about anything but themselves.
Marc:And then this collective event occurs where it becomes trendy to actually act selfless and act charitable.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:And they log on to that, or they jump on board with that, and all of a sudden they have empathy, that all of a sudden they're good people.
Marc:It's fucking retarded.
Guest:And I would like to complain even more, like the old person that I am, about the coverage.
Guest:When I saw Anderson Cooper wearing a t-shirt every night,
Guest:I said, you put a safari jacket on immediately.
Marc:Yeah, you're a newsman.
Marc:Wear your safari jacket.
Guest:I don't care if you went to the gym and you got bitching guns or whatever.
Guest:It's wildly inappropriate to wear a t-shirt there.
Guest:And then his... He's so...
Guest:He's inarticulate.
Guest:And he's supposed to be like their big, sexy foreign correspondent.
Guest:You remember when he went to Katrina, he'd never seen a poor person before.
Guest:So that was exciting for him.
Guest:He's at Vanderbilt, right?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And then to go to Haiti now, he was trying to describe what it was like to come into the airport.
Guest:And again, I don't want to be Mr. Old Timey, but if it was Edward R. Murrow in World War II who would go, the sound you hear behind me is the sound of the Germans bombing London.
Guest:This is the Blitz.
Guest:He didn't go...
Guest:Anderson Cooper went, you stop counting the dead people.
Guest:You stop counting the dead people.
Guest:You stop counting the dead people like that.
Guest:Like you were talking to your cousin who had been thrown into Haiti and was trying to describe it to you.
Guest:It's like, you're a journalist.
Guest:Journalist, take a deep breath.
Guest:Calm down.
Guest:You're not going to be one of the dead people.
Guest:I understand you're feeling empathy, but believe it or not, if you coldly reported what was going on now, it would be more useful than you yelling, you can't stop counting the dead people five times in a row.
Guest:That's not journalism.
Marc:That's panic.
Marc:What's crazy, dog?
Marc:It's American panic.
Marc:I think that the reason journalism used to work is because people got a clear picture and they were actually able to engage their real empathy for the situation because they got a sense of what was happening, not just some sort of like, oh my God, oh my God.
Guest:Well, listen to the Kennedy coverage or the Watts riots coverage or any coverage from the 60s where people come in and discuss it coldly like this.
Guest:They don't go, I saw a baby and its head was all, you know, like, of course you're going to see a baby.
Guest:You're there in the middle of a disaster.
Guest:Right.
Guest:And then they said, what's his name?
Guest:What's his name on the Dr. Gupta?
Guest:Oh, Sanjay Gupta.
Guest:And you could tell it had been a while, baby, since he'd been.
Guest:And they were making him perform head operation.
Guest:They pressed him into service, man.
Guest:Yeah, they did.
Guest:And dude, he had to do what he does, which is be a neurosurgeon, except with a piece of paper and a ballpoint pen as his, you know, no ether.
Guest:Right, right, right.
Guest:And I thought, good for you.
Guest:One, that you're there and doing it.
Guest:But two, I don't think you expected that when you got there.
Guest:I think you thought you were going to stand there and go, well, you know, this is a terrible situation.
Guest:Instead, people are literally running up with people in their arms.
Marc:What you would do in this situation.
Marc:Help me.
Marc:Right.
Marc:Not to sort of speculate about what needs to be done in this situation.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:The situation is dire.
Guest:Things are bad.
Guest:No, no, get over here.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Oh, yeah.
Guest:So, Greg, where are you working?
Guest:Oh, good question.
Guest:Vegas, I don't know.
Guest:We'll see.
Guest:Because Vegas is, you know, who has the money for that jazz now?
Guest:The MGM Grand.
Guest:Oh, wow.
Guest:The Hollywood Theater, which is always exciting because Tom Jones' set list is always on the wall.
Guest:And all the years we played there, I've forgotten to take it each year.
Guest:Because it stays there until one of us grabs it and puts it in their suitcase.
Guest:Are you serious?
Guest:Oh, yeah.
Guest:And it says, it's not unusual.
Guest:Walking in Memphis, Delilah, Daughter of Darkness.
Guest:You know, all of them.
Guest:Pussycat.
Guest:Kiss, yeah, pussycat.
Marc:Have you met him?
Guest:I did, I did.
Guest:What was that like?
Guest:1993 or 1994 in England.
Guest:It was great.
Marc:Do you go to England anymore?
Guest:A little bit.
Guest:I played The Globe last year.
Guest:In 93, it was a show called Viva Cabaret, and he was hungover at the rehearsal.
Guest:And I went up to him and I said, the first time I ever heard Dylan Thomas' Child's Christmas in Wales was when you recited it on your TV show.
Guest:You had a TV show in the late 60s here.
Guest:And he went...
Guest:Oh.
Guest:And I went, that's all I have to say.
Guest:I'm leaving now.
Guest:And I walked away.
Guest:And then he was really hungover, so we all went to this pub after the rehearsal.
Guest:And by the way, he sang Full Tilt Boogie at the rehearsal.
Guest:He did It's Not Unusual, and he did it twice, full volume.
Guest:Like, he doesn't have a rehearsal.
Guest:Like, you would go, I'm going to open with I Hate the World, and then I'm closing with my penis in a sandwich.
Guest:He's full voice all the time, right?
Guest:Right, right.
Guest:He just, like...
Guest:It happens every day.
Guest:You know, bam!
Guest:You know, like there's no restraint.
Guest:So we finish, and he goes, oh, I'm over.
Guest:And he's a beautiful, beautiful Welsh voice like Anthony Hopkins.
Guest:Like all Welsh men, Syrian Hines, all of them.
Guest:They all talk like these.
Guest:It just makes you, it makes my pussy quiver.
Guest:And she goes, so we go to this pub in like a shit part of London.
Guest:And it's just a regular pub.
Guest:It's not like a hotel bar where you would go, I'll have a dram buoy and she'll have a B&B and a pony or whatever.
Guest:She goes, I'll have a Fernet Bronca.
Guest:And I don't know if you know what Fernabranca is.
Marc:I have no idea.
Guest:It's a root liqueur that is notoriously a hangover cure.
Marc:Oh, okay.
Guest:But you have to be a serious drunk to want to drink it because it tastes as if the Russian army's underwear has been rendered into a bottle.
Guest:It's extraordinary tasting.
Guest:And I had a German friend in San Francisco like it.
Guest:But if you went to like...
Guest:uh um uh tosca's in san francisco they've got fernet bronca right right because that's a place where uh alcoholics roll into at 7 p.m yes yeah amping up for the night so the whole fernet bronca just to kick my bloodstream into you know to unclog it have you drank it oh i have it's not my friend jeff davis drinks it and he's quite a uh dips a maniac yeah so
Guest:He goes, I'll have a fernet bronca.
Guest:And the pub, the barman goes, a what?
Guest:You know, this is a fernet bronca.
Guest:And he goes, we don't have bloody fernet bronca, you know.
Guest:Fantastically switching flavors and moods immediately.
Guest:He goes, well, then I'll have a peppermint schnapps.
Guest:The spectrum of flavor.
Guest:Really?
Guest:Christmas candy?
Guest:You went from digging what a mole would leave behind to... So I loved him for that.
Guest:And then he sang... After the gig, we went back to the pub, which was on the premises, and that's what you have to love about England.
Guest:A pub on the premises at the studio.
Guest:So we're drinking, drinking.
Guest:He sat with a bottle of champagne between his legs, smoking a cigar, right?
Guest:Singing all night long.
Guest:And he sang Jimmy Reed and...
Guest:We're going up, we're going down, we're going up, that we're going down.
Guest:Yeah, and then he did a Bill Brunzi song called If You're Black, Get Back.
Guest:It goes, if you're white, it's all right.
Guest:If you're brown, stick around, but if you're black, get back, right?
Guest:And that's the chorus.
Guest:So the next day, we're on the plane coming back to America, and his son is his manager.
Guest:And as good-looking as Tom is, his son looks kind of like Rumpelstiltskin.
Yeah.
Guest:And you have to say his name three times in order to get him to go away.
Guest:And the whole enchilada, right?
Guest:He's tiny and he has a goggly amphibian.
Guest:He's a lovely man.
Guest:He was really sweet.
Guest:And so I'm getting up there and Tom is reading the sun and his lips moving.
Guest:Fantastic.
Guest:You know, he's like below the Rod Stewart level of intelligence.
Guest:Like he's,
Guest:Literally reading the sun like, you know, page three girl, you know, blah, blah, blah.
Guest:So I come up to him and I go, Tom, we did the show last.
Guest:I'm reminding him because he had introduced me and he couldn't say my name.
Guest:That was like an hour.
Guest:Proops was not going to happen.
Guest:There is no Welsh proops.
Guest:As you know, his name is Jones.
Guest:That's a proper Welsh name.
Guest:Smith and Jones are proper Welsh names.
Guest:So I go, hey, when we were hanging out last night, like as if I'm part of his retinue,
Guest:When you were singing, Mr. Jones, you sang a Bill Brunzi song.
Guest:And it went, if you're white, it's all right.
Guest:If you're brown, stick around.
Guest:If you're black, what's the name of that song?
Guest:And he goes, it's cold.
Guest:If you're white, it's all right.
Guest:If you're brown, stick around.
Guest:And if you're black, get back.
Guest:That's right.
Guest:okay that's all I have to say I'm leaving again twice in a 24 hour period completely shut down he was awesome they brought Sandra Bernhardt on to sing with him and she's because she scared him he'd done some HBO thing with her and she'd scared him because of her over you know cock she's scary yeah
Guest:Yeah, she kind of hopped him up, you know, and kind of rubbed, you know, I'm going to get at you.
Guest:Even though she didn't, he was afraid of it.
Marc:She scares me when she's on television.
Guest:Exactly.
Guest:So she's got that sexual spat.
Marc:Sure, yeah.
Guest:So they'd had her on the show, and they sang one of his old, show me a man and I'll show you, you know, that old cover.
Guest:And they did that together, and it was really cute.
Guest:But he was fantastic.
Guest:And I've seen him since then, and he's in full voice.
Marc:Really?
Guest:He's great, yeah.
Guest:What kind of name is Proops?
Guest:Scatological sounding?
Yeah.
Marc:Is that the nationality that it comes from?
Guest:I believe German.
Guest:Oh, really?
Guest:Yeah, yeah.
Guest:Jews from Germany, yeah.
Guest:Probst, Probst, Probst, Probst.
Guest:There's like 5,000 variations of it.
Guest:If you go to any fantastic Holocaust monument and... You have Jew in you?
Guest:Yeah.
Yeah.
Marc:Where from?
Marc:Father's side?
Guest:Yeah, my dad was Jewish, so.
Guest:As I said to two Jews on the set the other day, I'm half a Jew, which in Hollywood is no Jew at all.
Guest:It doesn't count.
Guest:Nope.
Guest:Can't even pretend to be Jewish.
Guest:In the rest of the country, it's clear to everyone.
Guest:Yeah, you're all Jew if you're half a Jew.
Guest:I'll all Jew when I get to the Midwest.
Guest:But here, like, really?
Guest:You're Jewish?
Guest:I didn't know that.
Guest:Like, I seem so waspy.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:I think you're hard to pin.
Guest:One side's from Mississippi, the other from Brooklyn.
Marc:Oh, so you kind of canceled it out.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:I got shit-kicky on one side.
Marc:All right.
Marc:Well, Greg Proops, Jim Short, this was fun.
Marc:It was like watching Greg Proops shows.
Marc:Spectacular.
Marc:And your website is what?
Guest:GregProops.com.
Guest:I'm on Facebook at Greg Proops.
Guest:That's my other favorite one.
Guest:Well, what's your Facebook address?
Guest:Greg Proops.
Guest:Greg Proops, yeah.
Guest:And I Twitter as Greg Proops, so I have joined the group of the world's worst philosophers putting my...
Guest:140 characters down.
Marc:I've got to follow you.
Marc:I'm not following you.
Marc:And that, of course, Jim Short and myself played the Laughers in this show.
Guest:Well done.
Marc:Thank you very much.
Marc:You too.
Guest:Thank you for having me on, Mr. Mark.
Marc:It's nice seeing you.
Guest:Thank you for joining me, Mr. Shorty.
Marc:Okay, that's it.
Marc:That's our show.
Marc:Thank you, Jim Short.
Marc:Thank you, Greg Proops.
Marc:Thank you, JustCoffee.coop, that I didn't pow because I wasn't drinking any, but you know where to get that, WTFPod.com.
Marc:You can go there and get on the mailing list.
Marc:Very exciting.
Marc:Weekly updates.
Marc:How exciting is that with pictures and stuff and deals and me talking in type form?
Marc:You can read my talk.
Marc:Surprises?
Marc:I don't know.
Marc:I just like to be in touch with you people so I can tell you where I'm going to be and what I'm going to be doing outside of just talking in your head while you're on the treadmill or in your car or not hurting yourself, hopefully.
Marc:So that's it.
Marc:That's it.
Marc:Go to punchlinemagazine.com as well if you'd like to get up to speed on all the comedy things.
Marc:I still have leftovers from Easter.
Marc:I have to finish that tray of gravenut pudding.
Marc:It seems like it's on me to do it because my housemate will bring things into the house and say she'll eat things, but then does not.
Marc:So every day is a challenge to eat.
Marc:Goodbye.
you