Episode 616 - Rich Vos
Guest:Lock the gates!
Marc:All right, let's do this.
Marc:How are you?
Marc:What the fuckers?
Marc:What the fuck buddies?
Marc:What the fucking ears?
Marc:What the fucksters?
Marc:What the fuckaholics?
Marc:What the fuckadelics?
Marc:What the fuckleberry fins?
Marc:Welcome.
Marc:I am Mark Maron.
Marc:This is WTF.
Marc:Thank you for joining me.
Marc:Some of you may be new to the show.
Marc:Welcome.
Marc:We do have quite a few new listeners because of an interview I did last week.
Marc:Today on the show, as promised, the week following the presidential podcast, Rich Voss.
Marc:Rich Voss and I go way back.
Marc:And Rich Voss is a comedian and a very decent man.
Marc:And I enjoyed this conversation with him a great deal.
Marc:And I'm happy to share it with you.
Marc:Since I last talked to you, I did the Brooklyn Opera House, which was spectacular and amazing and a real high point for me performance wise.
Marc:And then I went out to Huntington, Long Island.
Marc:Also great.
Marc:They gave me a brick.
Marc:the guys at the paramount in huntington are very proud of their venue and it's a fine venue fine venue to do comedy and a big venue an old venue a gutted old movie theater uh which is pretty amazing hold on let me get the brick thank you for playing the paramount come back again soon on parchment tied to a brick that on one side etched in it i mean they must get this done at um
Marc:I like a place that makes gravestones or something because etched in the rock, in the brick, in the actual brick, Mark Maron, June 27, 2015.
Marc:On the other side, the Paramount, Huntington, New York.
Marc:They're very proud of their venue because it's a renovated venue and it's beautiful.
Marc:There's all this old detail to it.
Marc:It's a pretty astounding venue.
Marc:And this apparently was a brick that was part of the venue.
Marc:This is a brick brick.
Marc:Now, I carry on luggage.
Marc:And I really didn't know.
Marc:I got to be honest with you and with the people at the Paramount.
Marc:that uh i didn't know if this was going to end up in the garbage because i like to carry on and this is something people should consider when they bring stuff to shows for me you know i can handle a record or two but if you're going to bring a large painting god it sounds so i'm just nailing its best
Marc:But so I had this brick, but I'm like, I'm going to risk it.
Marc:I'm going to take it and try to carry it on.
Marc:Like I know in the old days, a brick was is a weapon and probably is a weapon now.
Marc:Not it's sort of old school.
Marc:It's more of a weapon for destroying windows, throwing a brick through a window, taking a brick and hitting a guy over the head with a brick.
Marc:Not as easy.
Marc:It's weighty.
Marc:But I didn't know if it was on the list of dangerous shit.
Marc:So I just went ahead through, I go through pre-check and then I put it through the scanner and they're like, you gotta look in the bag.
Marc:And I'm like, here we go.
Marc:My commemorative brick is going to be in the garbage.
Marc:And this is a horrible thing about having your name etched in something or your name written in things or something made out to you or for you.
Marc:If you throw it away, it'll find its way back to you or perhaps it'll hurt the feelings of someone who gave it to you.
Marc:And I don't want to do that.
Marc:I did not want to throw away the brick.
Marc:The TSA guy, you know, this dude, like a stout dude, little burly dude, takes my bag and I'm like, there's a brick in there.
Marc:He's like, what?
Marc:I'm like, there's a brick.
Marc:He's like, a brick?
Marc:Like a brick brick?
Marc:I'm like, yeah, it's a brick with my name on it.
Marc:Really?
Marc:I'm like, yeah, it's a brick.
Marc:he opens the bag and i take it out and i show him it's like i don't know what do you think he's like i know who you are and i'm like so what you're gonna can i take the brick he's like yeah take the brick and you know keep keep working keep going man you're gonna be you're gonna be something he said it to me okay thank you for letting me keep my brick and and being supportive so i have my brick thank you paramount for the brick and i was in red bank new jersey
Marc:My old man showed up in Red Bank, and I know some of you know the stuff with me and my old man.
Marc:You know, the in and out of it, the ups and downs more like.
Marc:But we've been all right.
Marc:But I had to make some time for the old man not knowing where the old man would be frequency-wise.
Marc:And he sounded good on the phone.
Marc:You know, he's retired and he's wandering.
Marc:I don't know.
Marc:It's hard to be upbeat and miserable, but he does it.
Marc:And maybe that's where I get it.
Marc:I don't know.
Marc:But but we go out to dinner at this place.
Marc:Catano's right there in Red Bank is my I have a part time assistant, Frank.
Marc:His dad owns that joint and said, go by there.
Marc:I got to fucking tell you, man.
Marc:You can't get Italian food anywhere like you can in the East Coast.
Marc:New Jersey, New York.
Marc:I mean, they're just places.
Marc:They're just places where it's fucking amazing.
Marc:I don't know if it's the water or what, but God damn it, it was good.
Marc:Chicago, too.
Marc:I'll give Chicago.
Marc:But that's it.
Marc:Where the immigrant population of Italians has lived for centuries and generations is where you find the good Italian food.
Marc:And also I think New York water has something to do with it.
Marc:But anyway, I'm not going to talk about food.
Marc:I'm not going to talk about my father.
Marc:So I didn't know where he was at.
Marc:So me and my dad sit down at this restaurant.
Marc:He picked me up at the train station.
Marc:And I can usually tell where my father's at mentally and emotionally from about 50 feet away.
Marc:Just by his posture.
Marc:the aura of his energy i can feel it because i know the guy's my dad so i can feel the suction of his sadness from about 50 feet i could feel the the sort of uh you know non-threatening uh middle uh frequency where he's just sort of like neither here nor there and i can feel uh the mania from his his posture i can feel all that because he's my dad and feel it 50 feet away and i see him and i'm i'm registering
Marc:a little above just a medium, a little above medium.
Marc:We're not, not no darkness.
Marc:And I'm like, great, this will work out, but still overcompensate.
Marc:Everything's going great.
Marc:Don't let him take a brick out of your wall.
Marc:Don't let him take a commemorative emotional brick out of the fortress I have constructed for myself to live a relatively healthy life.
Marc:So we exchange pleasantries and we go sit down dinner and I, and I, I just, you know, I order some food and I look at him.
Marc:I go, so, so how you doing?
Marc:And my father looks at me and goes, good.
Marc:Fucking sick of everything.
Marc:I've had it with everything, but I'm good.
Marc:I'm good, but I've had it.
Marc:I tell you, I've had it with everything.
Marc:And that's it, man.
Marc:That's it in a nutshell.
Marc:That's what I come from.
Marc:Everything's great, but fuck, I've had it.
Marc:Is that a way of communicating?
Marc:Is that the yin and yang?
Marc:I don't know, but that's what happened.
Marc:That's where it was.
Marc:And he came to the show, and I think despite himself.
Marc:I think there's a slight difference.
Marc:You either have parents that are proud of you.
Marc:Or you have parents that are impressed by you.
Marc:I think I have the impressed kind.
Marc:My mom seems to tip into pride a bit emotionally.
Marc:My father's just impressed, which I think is tentative.
Marc:I think he's impressed, but there's still room to fail for you.
Marc:More tour dates.
Marc:There's a couple more coming up.
Marc:Portland is sold out for the weekend after next.
Marc:But Colorado.
Marc:I'll be at the Boulder Theater on July 24th.
Marc:And I'll be at the Paramount Theater in Denver on July 25th.
Marc:So come if you can.
Marc:I know I've got people there.
Marc:I just don't know if they know what's happening.
Marc:No matter what I do, the day after I do it, people are always like, I didn't know you were coming.
Marc:I don't know what I have to do.
Marc:I've said it on my show over and over again.
Marc:I tweeted.
Marc:I did everything I could.
Marc:Do you want me to come over?
Marc:So I had to do some organizing because the president came and I moved everything out of the garage, everything that was on the floor.
Marc:And a lot of that stuff was just piles and stacks of shit that I have not gone through.
Marc:And my filing is horrible.
Marc:I've got just papers and stacks and I save everything.
Marc:And today I spent some time with Frank, my new guy, and we just went through the filing.
Marc:It's un-fucking-believable what I save and what is emotional to me.
Marc:Like I'm going through these files.
Marc:I'm throwing shit away.
Marc:I don't have to save everything.
Marc:Like pay stubs from gigs and stuff.
Marc:All the weird detective work I had to do around my identity theft.
Marc:I found the three or four letters that were sent to me by the patent troll harassing me to give them money.
Marc:And I'm like, I got to do something with this.
Marc:That thing is defeated.
Marc:It's, you know, there was a victory to it.
Marc:And there's just tons of other papers.
Marc:I just don't need every doctor visit I ever did and the results of every doctor thing I ever had.
Marc:And they're paying.
Marc:It's sort of like just a history of panic.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:And blood tests.
Marc:I mean, I found a monthly, I found like I used to get those calendars.
Marc:I found one from 1991, like those monthly calendars that you write your shit in because that's the way I could see it back then.
Marc:And I found an address book that must be from around that time, like 90, 91.
Marc:And it's just bizarre.
Marc:I don't know if you have this shit, but there's a reason that you should keep it because if you just look at who your friends were and who you were talking to, it's sort of fucking fascinating.
Marc:Right there on the first page, Dave Attell's number.
Marc:25 years ago, Craig Anton, who I'm still in touch with.
Marc:Bizarre.
Marc:Oh, my grandmother's address.
Marc:That's sad.
Marc:Brett Butler, Steve Brill.
Marc:These people that I still talk to.
Marc:Greg Berent, Dave Becky, my old manager.
Marc:It's just...
Marc:It's amazing how many people are still in my life.
Marc:Holy jeez.
Marc:Look at that.
Marc:Travel.
Marc:Hilarious.
Marc:Hilarious.
Marc:I don't even maybe you should beat that.
Marc:I don't know.
Marc:I doubt it.
Marc:But this was this weird travel agency back before the TSA where you buy these tickets for almost nothing because they had some sort of scam going with other people's, you know, frequent flyer points or whatever.
Marc:And you'd meet a dude at an airport.
Marc:We'd give you a ticket.
Marc:And if you tried to change the ticket, you were in a world of shit.
Marc:It was just a scam.
Marc:That Barry Katz had set me up with, of course, Chuck Farnham.
Marc:What happened to that guy?
Marc:Bob Guccione Jr.
Marc:Oh, yeah, I went to dinner at his house once.
Marc:Frank Gannon used to book the Tonight Show.
Marc:This is bizarre, man.
Marc:Janet.
Marc:Oh, my God.
Marc:I remember her.
Marc:I had sex with her in Memphis, I think.
Marc:Anyways, it's just sort of fascinating to see who my friends were.
Marc:Oh, my first girlfriend's in here.
Marc:This is, it's just like, this is before Facebook.
Marc:I don't know where a lot of these people, Jon Stewart.
Marc:Wow.
Marc:Jon Stewart's phone number is in here from back in the day.
Marc:The Nose Magazine.
Marc:Trippy.
Marc:Patton Oswalt.
Marc:Oh, so this must be like 92.
Marc:Anyways, friends.
Marc:Jonathan Rosenfeld.
Marc:I was a therapist I had in San Francisco.
Marc:Yeah, so this must be from like 92.
Marc:93, Jonathan Rosenfeld.
Marc:He was the guy that said to me, there's no such thing as boredom, only fear.
Marc:Jon Stewart.
Marc:I wonder if that number's still good.
Marc:Should give him a call.
Marc:I should talk to him.
Marc:I guess it's on me, isn't it?
Marc:Anyways, it's just weird that I saved all this shit and you can sort of track your memories if you can access them of people and places you've been if you hold on to these weird little artifacts.
Marc:Yeah, that's right.
Marc:1991.
Marc:I was making my living doing the Taunton Regency, which was a good gig.
Marc:It was a hotel gig in a conference room.
Marc:Probably made $400.
Marc:And last week I interviewed the president of the United States of America, Barack Obama.
Marc:i'll tell you one thing i came away from the president with is that nicotine is an ongoing fucking nightmare and i'm not saying i'm not saying i'm chipping on cigarettes but i'm chipping all right and if you don't know what chipping is get hip to the old lingo from back in the day i'm chipping a little bit and i'm sorry all right let's talk to rich voss
Guest:I got to tell you this.
Guest:What?
Guest:You achieved something that I fucking... I dream of.
Guest:I have a hotel by the airport.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:You have a fucking billboard.
Guest:It's so fucking big for... I mean, it's so big that it's probably the most exciting... One of the most exciting things you could have as a comic is... I mean, the fucking whole...
Guest:The concept of a billboard stinks.
Guest:I mean, you come out of the balls.
Guest:But the fact, it's fucking ridiculous.
Guest:I don't know who picked that.
Guest:I like to find them.
Guest:It's colorful, though.
Guest:Yeah, it's colorful.
Guest:So is a Benetton ad.
Guest:But the fact, it's probably as big as any big billboard you can get.
Marc:I've only seen one of them.
Marc:And I've got to be honest with you, I really wanted those.
Marc:I thought that, at least in this town,
Marc:You know, in LA.
Marc:Can't get a couple of billboards.
Marc:It's the third season.
Marc:You know, I said to IFC, it's like, you know, and they're like, it's not the most effective way to spend ad money.
Marc:I'm like, who cares?
Marc:It's LA.
Marc:I'd like to be, I'd like to be able to think I have a real television show.
Guest:I had a billboard for a week in Vegas for a week.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:But any fucking Bodak could have got that billboard.
Guest:Because I was just working at the Palms.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:You know, so I had a real bill, not the club one.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:It was one on the street.
Guest:Right.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:And I took pictures of it.
Guest:But in life, you know, you work so hard and little things like a billboard is one of the payoffs.
Guest:It's weird.
Guest:It is.
Guest:It's a fucking payoff.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:Why should fucking Cameron Diaz have a billboard and not Mark Maron?
Guest:For a shitty movie.
Guest:Yes.
Guest:for fucking something that's going to go straight from the theater into the fucking- I agree with you, but there's part of me that knows, like, well, anyone can get a billboard.
Marc:You just got to get someone to pay for it.
Marc:But the truth is, like, I agree with you.
Marc:It may be petty.
Marc:It may be small-minded.
Marc:But to me, a billboard was a big deal.
Marc:It was a big deal to me.
Guest:I think Patrice, one of the reasons he didn't re-up with VH1 or whatever network was because they wouldn't give him a billboard in Times Square.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And he said, look, I want a billboard in Times Square.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Look, this is the story of my life.
Guest:I was working the MGM Grand at Brad Garrett.
Guest:When was this?
Guest:Oh, recently?
Guest:Yeah, I don't know, a couple months ago.
Guest:Whatever.
Guest:It's a good room for a comedy room in Vegas.
Guest:It's a good room.
Marc:So you were headlining?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Really?
Guest:No, I was fucking middling.
Guest:I was middling for a fucking juggling Jack Swersey.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:I was fucking headlining.
Guest:Really?
Guest:Look at that fucking face.
Guest:Really?
Guest:30 years and I just worked my way to middle.
Marc:I'm just trying to set you up.
Marc:I'm just trying to make sure everyone knows you.
Marc:My listeners are new to Rich Voss.
Marc:I want them to know.
Guest:So I'm working there and the billboard...
Guest:When they flash their work in there, it's the whole side of the building.
Guest:I mean, it's probably 25 stories high.
Guest:I got a picture of it.
Guest:Of you?
Guest:Yeah, it's remarkable.
Guest:It's a lot of rich.
Guest:That's a lot.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:I didn't know you could make insecurity that big.
Guest:Let me tell you something.
Guest:Let me tell you something.
Guest:The drool on the billboard that came out of my mouth looked like fucking buckets of water.
Guest:Okay, because I'm a slobbering Jew bag.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:So...
Guest:I'm going I can't feel any better you know I'm working Vegas I mean it's not look it's a good comedy room out of all the comedy rooms it's not a theater I'm not but I'm headlining and I'm in a good mood then and this happens this is my third time it happened my fucking manager calls me on Friday on Friday before the Friday in the weekend show oh your pilot wasn't picked up your pilot really you couldn't wait to Monday you couldn't wait to Monday when I got home which pilot was that
Guest:Bonnie and I did one for True TV.
Guest:We got a couple going out.
Marc:Bonnie McFarlane.
Marc:I want to make sure everyone knows.
Guest:Yeah, that's my wife.
Guest:Jesus, what the hell?
Guest:Why the fuck she married you?
Guest:Because I'm fucking... First of all, I'm a genius.
Guest:That's one.
Guest:Second of all, second of all... I mean, that goes without saying.
Guest:I don't fail.
Guest:You're a sweet guy.
Guest:Okay, and...
Guest:I don't know.
Guest:It's so weird when we started dating.
Guest:The first time I met her, and I've told this, I was at the Comedy Cellar.
Guest:I'm on last comic standing, the first season, the good season.
Marc:What's the age difference?
Guest:What?
Guest:Was that a reasonable question?
Guest:Yeah, I guess it is.
Guest:I guess it is.
Guest:I'm a failure at relationships.
Guest:Yeah, but you look great.
Guest:You look great.
Guest:You're older than me, right?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:How old are you?
Guest:How old am I?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Don't you hear when people answer a question with a question?
Guest:Well, you've done it.
Guest:How old am I?
Guest:I'll be, next month, I'll be 58.
Guest:Really?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:You look great.
Guest:Thank you.
Guest:I'm 51, 51.
Guest:Yeah, but you look good, you know.
Guest:You look better than me.
Marc:You've got that sort of rugged Jew skin.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:Yeah, it's kind of dark.
Marc:A little bit.
Guest:I play a lot of golf, though.
Guest:That's why I get dark.
Guest:Well, I am dark.
Guest:I have an olive skin base from when I was a kid.
Guest:Yeah, from being that kind of Jew.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:So Bonnie, I met her.
Guest:I was at the Comedy Cellar.
Guest:She came downstairs.
Guest:And I knew, okay, even before that,
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Mark.
Guest:She was cute.
Guest:Mark Cohen.
Guest:Mark Cohen.
Guest:They were dating.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:So Mark Cohen, after he did Make Me Laugh, they did some live shows, right?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Some live.
Guest:So a couple of them were me, Mark Cohen, and Joey Vega.
Guest:Right.
Guest:So we went and did corporate, live, whatever.
Guest:So I'm working with Cohen, and he's miserable.
Guest:He's fucking miserable.
Guest:I go, what's the fuck?
Guest:Me and my girlfriend just broke up.
Guest:I knew nothing about him.
Guest:We just broke up.
Guest:He's heartbroken.
Guest:I go, look, I've been through divorce.
Guest:It's not a big deal.
Guest:You'll get through it.
Guest:You'll get through it.
Guest:But he's going through that right then.
Guest:The fear.
Guest:Abandonment horrible feeling heartbreak and all that like just change.
Guest:Yeah, you get comfortable being uncomfortable in these relationships So and that's all 12-step talk.
Guest:Yeah, I didn't make up right.
Guest:It's true.
Guest:You get comfortable in uncomfortable situation patterns the patterns
Guest:So he's breaking up with her.
Guest:Years later, I'm at the comedy, so ready to go on stage.
Guest:And Bonnie walks down the stairs and says, oh, you're that guy in Last Comic.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And that was the first scene.
Guest:And I'm looking at her.
Guest:I'm going, oh, you're the comic that's gone out with other comics.
Guest:Everyone.
Guest:No, not me.
Marc:Not me.
Guest:But she looks hot.
Guest:And she watched my set.
Guest:And I kind of fucking... I didn't bomb, but it wasn't a good set.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:She even left in the middle of it.
Guest:Really?
Guest:Yeah, it wasn't good.
Guest:Because I was too nervous.
Guest:Because of her?
Guest:Yes.
Guest:I wanted to impress her.
Guest:I was on a date, too, with a hairdresser from The View who was very attractive.
Marc:But somehow, the Bonnie just floored you.
Marc:Just came in.
Marc:Now you're going to fail in front of two women.
Guest:And now Bonnie comes down the stairs.
Guest:And my first thing I say to her is...
Guest:She doesn't even know me.
Guest:She goes, oh, you're on Last Comic.
Guest:I go, oh, yeah, I know you.
Guest:I hit on you, but I'm on a date.
Guest:That's the first thing I ever said to her.
Guest:So already she thinks I'm a creep.
Guest:So I call the club the next day.
Guest:I ask Esty.
Guest:I go, can you give me that girl's phone number?
Guest:And Esty called Bonnie, and Bonnie said, do not give him my fucking phone number.
Guest:Right?
Guest:So I went down there.
Guest:You stalked her.
Guest:I went down another night.
Guest:You stalked her.
Guest:She was there.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:So we went out for pizza.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:We had pizza.
Guest:And cut to me going down on her in the car a little bit.
Guest:Yeah, a little.
Guest:And then she takes off.
Marc:You went down on her in the car a little bit.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:That was the first date.
Marc:That's unorthodox.
Marc:That's what you went with?
Marc:I'm going to go down on her.
Guest:I have to show it out, I'm a giver.
Guest:I didn't ask her to go down on me.
Guest:I want to show it, hey, look, I am a giver.
Guest:That's why she married you.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:A lot of comics or guys would go, blow me, not me.
Guest:No.
Guest:Okay, you set them up.
Guest:You set them up.
Guest:Yeah, okay.
Guest:You're a real prince.
Guest:You went down on her in a car.
Guest:It was a Mercedes.
Guest:It wasn't a crappy car.
Guest:It was a nice car.
Guest:Back seat.
Guest:So you got in the back.
Guest:No, the front.
Guest:I like to crawl under the dashboard.
Guest:Oh, okay.
Guest:I'm really good at doing that.
Guest:So then we just started dating a little.
Guest:Like when I come to LA, we'd fool around.
Guest:She was great.
Guest:She was perfect.
Guest:I was in LA taping something.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I'm staying at a great hotel.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:She came over in a day, went to the pool, and we ended up going to my room.
Guest:We had sex, and she got up and left.
Marc:Yeah, and that was so respectful.
Guest:You thought that was the best thing ever.
Guest:Are you crazy?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:She left, and I walked her down to the car.
Marc:This sounds like love to me, going down on her in a car.
Marc:You fuck her after hanging out at a pool at a hotel, and she leaves.
Marc:You're like, I'm in love.
Marc:This is it.
Marc:This is it.
Marc:Okay, are you kidding me?
Marc:All right, so now these two incidents happen, and then you and Bonnie just start dating.
Marc:We start dating, and- What's the name of your podcast?
Guest:My Wife Hates Me.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:My Wife Hates Me, and that's a radio show that we do on Tuesday nights on Sirius, and the pilot we did, that one was called My Wife Hates Me.
Marc:But now let's go back, though, and then we'll bring it all back around.
Marc:So the first time I met you was probably 1988 or probably 1989, 1990 at Nick's Comedy Stop.
Marc:You had like long, like a melody jerry curl.
Marc:almost that's how my hair grows long I love Roger Daltrey and I'm glad my hair grew like that right but yeah but you put stuff in it there was goop in it no maybe it looked a little oily to me it might have been I was a greasy person yeah and then you had I think you wore one of those like those Italian horn necklaces with the little you know the little curly thing you know the thing there was no way I would possibly have a horn necklace it was probably a chai it was a chai I mean you know the horn I'm talking about yeah I know the horn I got you know a Jewish star maybe a chai yeah
Marc:And you were, you know, you had the, it was late 80s, so you, yeah.
Guest:That's my grandfather's dog tag from World War I. Really?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:That's kind of cool.
Guest:Isn't that cool?
Guest:Round dog tag.
Marc:Yeah, World War I. So, like, how long have you been doing comedy at that point?
Marc:Because you were kind of, like, at Nick's, I think we, well, I don't know, you were, you were doing sort of, you were, like, you were angry, you were tight.
Marc:You know, you were, like, you were intense.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:Okay, when I worked Knicks, see, I think... But you were kind of dicey.
Guest:Yeah, I know, and that's what we got to get to at some point, because I heard the podcast where you had dice on, and you said that you opened the door for comics like Voss and this and that and that, and I'm not at all... But I know what you're saying.
Guest:It's an East Coast attitude that makes you feel it's dicey.
Guest:And I was probably a little... Look, you don't find your voice...
Guest:I don't know how long it takes you to really find your voice.
Guest:20 years?
Guest:Yeah, it took me.
Guest:20 years.
Guest:It took me a long time.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I mean, I remember in the beginning, I was running around.
Guest:I thought I was Robin Williams.
Guest:Then I would pace.
Guest:I thought I was Bill Hicks.
Guest:But when did you start?
Guest:I guess I'm 29 years sober, so I guess I've been doing it...
Guest:32 years so you were all right so you were like 25 26 where where'd you live in jersey where in jersey yeah in plainfield that's where you grew up yeah yeah and it was it was a predominantly black town neighborhood i went to a school you know all i grew up in a black neighborhood
Guest:uh you know and then i i mean i get both your parents are there no divorced divorced from day one you know since i was a little kid that's why i love i'm going to talk about talk about this later i'm speaking at uh uh rehab today someplace promises i'm speaking and and and your whole life as a child is formed you know two and three and my parents got divorced i guess i was in
Guest:third grade fourth grade and i i would come home from school every day every day and listen to von meter album the jfk one yeah the first family yeah and and i i laughed and i laughed and i laughed and all i was doing was covering the pain from my parents divorce and i didn't know that as a kid would you have a relationship with both your parents though
Guest:Now or throughout life?
Guest:Nah, I mean, look, I broke the chain of dysfunction with my kids.
Guest:My parents were fucked up when we were growing up.
Marc:What'd your mom do, though?
Guest:Well, my mom struggled.
Guest:She had three kids.
Guest:Luckily, you know... What, you and two sisters?
Guest:A sister and a brother.
Guest:Older brother?
Guest:Younger brother, passed away a year and a half ago.
Guest:Sorry.
Guest:And my older sister, who's a very successful business.
Guest:Very, very successful.
Guest:You get along with her?
Guest:Kinda, yeah.
Guest:I wasn't real close with my family because our parents didn't bring us close as a family.
Guest:You know what I mean?
Marc:So everyone was off doing their own shit?
Guest:Yeah, there was no nucleus.
Guest:There was nothing.
Guest:It was just every man for himself.
Guest:And where was your dad?
Guest:He lived in New York or LA.
Guest:What did he do?
Guest:Well, the second after he divorced my mom, he married a lady and lived in Woodland Hills.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And then they got divorced.
Guest:He moved back to New York, dated this one lady forever.
Guest:Then he married his third wife, who he's been married to for 30 years.
Guest:Still alive?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:He's in his 80s.
Guest:My mother's in a nursing home, Alzheimer's or dementia.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Shot out.
Guest:What'd your dad do?
Guest:He did everything.
Guest:He was a scam.
Guest:He did sales, whatever fucking scam.
Guest:And then he ended up as a travel agent the last 20-something years.
Guest:But not just flights, big vacations and stuff.
Guest:So growing up,
Guest:you're wired at two at four or five you know you don't you don't have any foundation yeah you know you're i'm living in a neighborhood my kind of my front door is white people yeah my back door is black all black people
Guest:So I didn't feel good enough to hang with the white people, even though I didn't realize that their lives are just as fucked up and dysfunctional.
Guest:But I felt a little better than the black people down there.
Guest:You know what I was saying?
Guest:So that's why I drew there because I thought it was...
Guest:I'd be accepted.
Guest:Do you see what I mean?
Guest:In the black neighborhood.
Guest:Yeah, more accepted.
Guest:Because I was... But then we all ended up kind of hanging together anyhow.
Guest:So that's where I was.
Guest:And now you're at the point in life...
Guest:Growing up you're doing everything for attention, but it's negative, right?
Guest:You know my parents were fucked up like my father would come see us two three times I mean every two or three weeks, you know And then when he get there my mom would have him arrested she would use us as pawns You know here comes daddy then out of the bushes the detectives fucking arrest for money for child support So you're thinking well who's who's more fucked up him not paying or?
Guest:or her for using us as pawns.
Guest:You know what I'm saying?
Guest:And one time my mother took my sister, myself, and my brother to my grandmother's house on my father's side and just knocked on the door and said, I don't want him, take him.
Guest:Now as a fucking kid, that's abandonment.
Guest:When you hear your mother go, I don't want him, take him.
Guest:And it's because back then they didn't have the tools to say, hey, I want to go out tonight.
Guest:Can you watch my kids?
Marc:She didn't mean permanently.
Marc:She just meant.
Guest:Yeah, but you don't know that.
Guest:It's okay.
Guest:You don't know that.
Guest:All you know is take these fucking kids.
Guest:And just a couple words could change the whole course.
Guest:of your mind and life.
Marc:I think that's probably true.
Marc:But I mean, I think that recurrence of behavior, the patterns have to stick.
Marc:I mean, that probably hurt your feelings.
Marc:But I mean, just the emotional patterns that are always there are what fucks you up.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I mean, she said it with my father a couple of times.
Guest:I remember one time from Jersey, we took the bus all the way to New York.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:At the Port Authority got out.
Guest:My father was there.
Guest:Then the cops arrested him.
Guest:We had to fucking take the bus to New York.
Guest:You had to put us on a bus, all of us, and take us to fight.
Guest:You couldn't get him arrested halfway in Elizabeth or somewhere.
Guest:What the fuck?
Guest:fuck it's an hour hour ride on the bus to see daddy and you're so you know it was so fucked up because and two as a as a father see i broke the fucking chain of dysfunction with my kids i was the complete opposite of my parents you were aware of that that was party party your agenda was to do that
Guest:We did some TV show.
Guest:I don't know.
Guest:I think it was Louis Anderson's show on the fucking pier or whatever.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:And they needed baby pictures.
Guest:Remember that?
Guest:I think it was Comedy Central or whatever.
Guest:They go, we need baby pictures of you.
Guest:And I went to my father.
Guest:He had two fucking pictures of me.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Two.
Guest:Growing up.
Guest:I have hundreds and hundreds of my kids.
Guest:Hundreds.
Marc:Yeah, my dad was absent emotionally too, but not like as bad as that.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:But also you're all excited to see your dad and then he gets busted.
Marc:You didn't know that he was going to get busted when he went to New York.
Guest:No, I wasn't in on the setup.
Guest:I was a kid.
Guest:But, you know, and it's funny too, as a parent back then, like I said, they didn't have the tools that we have now.
Marc:That's forgiving, which is good.
Guest:I remember he would come to my house, he would come to our house, and it just didn't fuck your head up.
Guest:You know, I'd curse at my mother, whatever.
Guest:So he'd walk in my room, he'd smack me for cursing my mother, give me a lecture.
Guest:And he's a guy you never see that much.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:He'd try to get it all in on one fucking visit.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Smack me, lecture me, take me out to eat, give me money for toys, goodbye.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:You know, hey, thanks, let's get it all in on that in three fucking hours.
Guest:You know, thank you.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:You know, whoa, no fucking problems here.
Marc:Okay.
Marc:But when did you start, like, you know, like, what did you have to go through?
Marc:So you're hanging out with the black kids and you're trying to figure out who you are in this world.
Marc:When did you start using the drugs?
Guest:Well, then I started hanging with the hippies in school.
Guest:We mixed it up.
Guest:You know, back then it was- You just didn't know who the fuck you were?
Guest:Well, no, you grow into different stages of your life.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:So the black stage ended young?
Guest:It ended probably around sixth, seventh grade after sports.
Guest:A lot of it was revolved around sports.
Guest:You were a sports guy?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:In the neighborhood, we played sports.
Guest:We played other neighborhoods, basketball, football.
Guest:It was all sports.
Guest:At that age, we weren't doing anything.
Guest:We'd break windows or break into a house here and there, but we weren't real bad kids.
Guest:So it was based on sports.
Marc:Breaking into a house pretty bad.
Guest:We stole fucking sandwiches and Hot Wheels.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:No jewelry heist.
Guest:Sandwiches and Hot Wheels.
Guest:We took Hot Wheels and made lunch.
Marc:Just things you could use.
Marc:Nothing you could fence.
Guest:And then you move on.
Guest:You go to junior high school and you start hanging with these other kids.
Guest:But those kids, they're all potheads or smoking getting high.
Guest:You're going from one dysfunctional group to the next.
Guest:Yeah, I knew who I was.
Guest:I was a troubled person.
Guest:trying to get outside of myself and bury whatever pain you know and yeah before it was with negative attention now it's with getting high and and and then you know it started smoking pot going to the parties and and next thing you know uh i'm doing coke and uh i'm trying to deal i owe everybody in town money i mean i was what year when was this junior high school high school by high school junior high was borrowing money for drugs
Guest:No, people would front me it.
Guest:They'd give you a pound of Coke.
Guest:Oh, you were going to sell it?
Guest:Were you selling it?
Guest:Yeah, sell it, and then I'd fucking do all the profit.
Guest:Or the Coke, I remember.
Guest:I mean, I did so many fucking scams with the Coke.
Marc:So you were selling Coke in high school?
Guest:No, that was out, right when I got out.
Marc:Bags of it.
Marc:Pound of Coke.
Marc:No, not a pound.
Marc:I think I've seen a pound.
Guest:Not a pound.
Guest:No, pounds of pot, but not pounds of Coke.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:I'd be dead.
Guest:I would be dealing with cartel.
Guest:They'd kill me.
Guest:And I got out of school.
Guest:I quit school.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Quit high school?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And I had a big- Why'd you quit?
Marc:That must have been fucking horrible.
Guest:Because I never went to class.
Guest:I just went there to party and socialize.
Marc:What'd your fucking mom do when you quit school?
Guest:she didn't give a fuck no one gave a fuck no what the fuck I mean I was were you out of the house were you working I started a well I went to school until 12th grade right and then I left I just went to school to sell pot and I know but I didn't know you left in 12th grade
Guest:Yeah, when they graduated, I was supposed to go back one more year, and I drove into the parking lot, and I said, get me the fuck out, I'm out.
Guest:And I was a pretty good carpenter, and I worked for my grandfather who remodeled houses, and I started my own business.
Guest:When I was 21, 22, painting houses, basically, and carpentry, roofing.
Guest:But when I was 22, I had seven guys working for me.
Guest:I was a good businessman.
Guest:I knew how... I had one of the biggest painting businesses in town doing Victorian houses, beautiful, three, four colors.
Guest:I'd have three crews going.
Guest:But...
Guest:I was a fuck up.
Guest:I'd take the money, deposits and buy coke and party.
Guest:I knew how to sell.
Guest:I knew how to sell.
Guest:To get the gig.
Guest:To get the house.
Guest:I would go in the winter.
Guest:I would go in the winter and I would line up all the houses for the spring and people would give me deposits in the winter.
Guest:and i you know i'd fucking blow it because i didn't have you know rent partying yeah then it would came time to paint our house you know i fucking say benjamin moore paint yeah but i pour like four dollar paint into benjamin moore cans so you're cutting the paint too i was i was cutting the paint cutting coke and but the business i had a great we did great work yeah i mean funeral the funeral homes in town and
Guest:And then it just fell apart because of drugs.
Guest:When did you meet your first wife?
Guest:After I got sober.
Guest:Oh, yeah?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:So the drugs escalated from partying, coke, then to I started comedy.
Guest:And where'd you start?
Guest:I booked a couple one-nighters.
Marc:What, you didn't do open mics?
Marc:You didn't do nothing?
Guest:Oh, yeah, yeah.
Guest:I went to...
Guest:There was like one open mic, but then I realized if I book some one-nighters, I could host them and get on stage and make money at the same time.
Marc:So you book headliners?
Guest:Yeah, I booked some rooms in Jersey and I had guys
Guest:Joe Bolster, Dennis Wolfberg.
Guest:Fucking Mulroney came, right?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And he brings this opening act.
Guest:And this opening act goes, I don't know if you know this, but I work Catch a Rising Star, okay?
Guest:So you're lucky.
Guest:I go, look, you're making fucking $60.
Guest:Shut up.
Guest:And it was fucking Jenny.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Mulroney brought him as his over.
Guest:I go, look, well, you're making 60 tonight.
Guest:I didn't know him.
Guest:I had Jack Cohen, who was real energetic.
Guest:Yeah, I remember him.
Marc:He's a showrunner, I think.
Marc:He's a writer.
Guest:Yeah, he was.
Guest:Tonight Show.
Guest:Tonight Show.
Guest:I had Max Alexander.
Guest:I gave him his first paying gig.
Guest:The old Tonight Show.
Guest:Yeah, his first paying gig.
Guest:I had Rob Bartlett.
Guest:I had...
Guest:I mean, big, big acts.
Marc:At that time.
Guest:Yes.
Marc:Because you're mentioning names I bet no one's ever heard of.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Max Alexander.
Marc:What happened to that guy?
Marc:I haven't seen him in a long... He's got to be out here.
Marc:Rob Bartlett.
Marc:Where's Rob Bartlett?
Guest:Well, no, he does Imus.
Guest:He does radio.
Guest:Rob Bartlett.
Guest:He's been doing radio forever.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Nice guy.
Guest:The nicest guy.
Guest:I mean, yeah.
Guest:Mike Langworthy that are all... Steve Scrovin.
Guest:All these guys became writers.
Guest:Scrovin.
Guest:He's out here.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:They became writers.
Marc:So you're pulling these New York guys and booking these rooms so you could do 10 minutes.
Guest:So I could host.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And then there was other guys that book rooms like me, like Phil Sillman, Dennis Ross, all these guys.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Joey Novick.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:So I would trade them work and they would give me work at their places.
Marc:So you could feature there.
Guest:Or host.
Guest:Right.
Guest:I would have them host my room and I host theirs.
Guest:So now I'm starting to work.
Marc:So like a one-nighter network.
Guest:Yeah, it was all one-nighters.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Balazzo had them, Jerry Stanley had them, which I- Where were the rooms?
Marc:Throughout Jersey.
Marc:But what kind of rooms?
Marc:Bars?
Guest:Hotels?
Guest:Yeah, bars.
Guest:I did comedy, bars.
Guest:But some of them were great.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Some of them were really good.
Guest:So you were a one-nighter booker?
Guest:I booked one-nighters.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Yeah, I got to make money on this.
Guest:So I went into places.
Guest:I go, look, do you want to run comedy here?
Guest:I can get you to comics.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And we'll do Tuesday night.
Marc:So you were a guy.
Guest:There was a time where people were like, you ever done Voss's Room?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Well, I wanted to be a comic.
Marc:People wanted to come.
Marc:It was easy.
Marc:You just go to Jersey, drive in from New York.
Marc:There was a whole network of gigs.
Marc:Because they're not making a fortune running around club to club.
Marc:Why not do a one-nighter in Jersey?
Marc:So you're 25, 26 years old?
Guest:No, I got to be 28, I think.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:28, 29.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And then I just started working.
Guest:Then I hooked up going on the road doing MC gigs.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Like for Sandy DiPerna and I'd go to Lubbock, Texas.
Marc:Sandy DiPerna booked Charlie Goodnight's.
Guest:And she booked Richmond downstairs.
Marc:Yeah, Virginia, yeah.
Guest:So I hooked up with her somehow.
Guest:Then I hooked up in Texas.
Guest:I did some good humor bars.
Guest:I worked with Hicks like a couple times.
Marc:At the workshop or the comedy?
Guest:No, good humor bar in Lubbock, Texas.
Guest:Oh, okay.
Guest:And somewhere else.
Guest:Yeah, how was that?
Guest:It was amazing.
Guest:Hicks...
Guest:We went into a 7-Eleven and something happened and his girlfriend was breaking up.
Guest:Well, whatever happened to him in 7-Eleven, he went on stage the next night and did probably 10 minutes on this.
Guest:And I'm watching, I'm going, I'll never be this funny as long as I live.
Guest:And I don't even know how long he was doing comedy at the time.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:uh his girlfriend back in texas so he's probably in his 20s yeah his girlfriend broke up with him yeah he was miserable it's a true story he wanted to pick up a hooker or something yeah so we get in the cab he goes you want to ride with me i go okay so we're in a cab and the cab cab drivers took you to prostitutes in lubbock yeah
Guest:So he goes to the first place.
Guest:The lady opens the door, looks at him, goes, you're too young, and slammed the door on him.
Guest:Gets back in the cab.
Guest:The next place the cab driver takes him to, the lady opens the door, looks at him, goes, you're a cop, slams the door.
Guest:And he does a whole bit on how even hookers won't fuck him, right?
Guest:And I'm watching this guy and I'm just amazed at how good he is.
Guest:You know, he was so far, people listen to him now, these comics, they go, oh, I don't see it.
Guest:Well, guess what, you fucking idiot.
Guest:It was 30 years ago, okay?
Guest:Or 25 years ago.
Marc:He had a real clarity and a real confidence to his delivery and a very poetic way of looking at things.
Marc:And even when he was improvising, it was so well put together.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:But just his cadence too, just the way he moved.
Guest:Good rhythm, yeah, yeah.
Guest:I mean, I was at Catch the Rising Star one night and Brenner went on.
Guest:In New York.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And David Brenner went on.
Marc:What was this, the 80s?
Guest:Yeah, it had to be 80s.
Guest:Brenner went on.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Killed.
Guest:It was David Brenner in the prime.
Guest:Yeah.
Yeah.
Guest:So now Bill Hicks is next.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And he walks on stage and his opening line is, you know, growing up as a comic, I would see Robert Klein and David Brenner.
Guest:I'm thinking if these fucking guys can do it, so can I. Right.
Guest:That's right after Brenner.
Guest:Then he's doing the whole Nancy Reagan anorexic kind of bit and all this stuff.
Guest:People are flying out the door like they yelled fire.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Right?
Guest:The girl that's going on next after him, Jetta Jones.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:She's pacing.
Guest:She's fucking a mess.
Guest:So he gets off and Hicks, I swear to God, he comes up to me and goes, what the fuck went wrong?
Guest:He couldn't understand.
Guest:He couldn't understand why he emptied the room in New York.
Guest:But the funny thing is, too, he emptied the room.
Guest:He had a hard time in New York.
Guest:They didn't know what to do with him.
Guest:No, but it's so funny just the business and the whole business in a nutshell is what the one creative director said to him.
Guest:He emptied a room and the creative director said, you could work here anytime.
Guest:Anytime you want, because he's Bill Hicks and he's got that reputation.
Guest:He's Bill Hicks.
Guest:You could work here anytime.
Guest:Right.
Guest:So, you know, so then now I'm doing comedy.
Guest:I got into Dangerfields.
Guest:Hiram got me into Dangerfields because I give him coke and party with him.
Guest:Well, first Heenan got me into the- Dave Heenan?
Guest:Yeah, into the Bitterrand.
Marc:Oh, my God.
Marc:I haven't heard that name in a long time.
Guest:Dave fucking Heenan.
Guest:He does cruises.
Guest:Still alive?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Good.
Guest:Yeah, Dave Heenan.
Guest:He got me gigs at the Bitter End in New York.
Guest:Then Hiram gave me on a Dangerfields, and so would Heenan.
Guest:I never worked there.
Marc:Dark place.
Guest:Depressing.
Marc:Yeah, the improv.
Guest:It's depressing.
Marc:I might have done that.
Marc:The improv was still going?
Marc:How good a shape was it in?
Guest:It was cool.
Guest:It was a cool room.
Guest:So it's the 80s.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And when I did Nick's, though...
Guest:I was on drugs when I was doing Nick's.
Guest:You were?
Guest:Yeah, I was a coke addict.
Guest:I would do coke with all those.
Guest:I'd buy coke from that guy.
Guest:In the parking lot?
Guest:The guy they killed up there.
Guest:I don't want, you know, Mike.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And I'd do drugs with... I would stay at the Biltmore right behind... There was a crack hotel right behind the Comedy Connection.
Guest:Right.
Guest:And I'd go up there, and I just, I was fucking horrible.
Guest:I mean, I got so many bad drug stories from Boston.
Guest:I met a girl.
Guest:I'll tell you the story.
Guest:I met her at Plums.
Guest:I'm doing a one-nighter at Plums.
Guest:I have all this money.
Guest:I go, where can we get coke?
Guest:She goes, I don't know.
Guest:I go, I do.
Guest:And we drove to New York from fucking Worcester.
Guest:I fucking spent all my money.
Guest:I got to drive her fucking back on Sunday and still finish my, I'm right by my house.
Guest:I got to drive back to Boston.
Guest:My nose starts bleeding, pouring out.
Guest:Now we're trying to get heroin in fucking Hartford.
Guest:We just want to get anything just to come down.
Guest:And I drop her off and I do one more night in Boston.
Guest:No fucking money.
Guest:And I drive home.
Guest:My suitcase is closed in a fucking shopping bag.
Guest:And I think I ended up going to rehab maybe a couple weeks after that.
Marc:What year would that be?
Marc:29 years sober.
Marc:29 years sober.
Marc:86.
Guest:so so i saw you were sober at nick's dude was i sober because i wasn't working until 88 okay so then yeah because that's when you gave me the barbecue shirt yeah the red bones yeah yeah uh i don't know we kind of hit it off i got along with you you seemed like for some reason there was a couple people i hit it off with in boston yeah you know you're like newly sober how do you like that you're all tweaky
Guest:I left out the whole Frankie Bastille in all those stories.
Guest:What about Bastille?
Guest:I ran with that guy.
Guest:Well, because he would take young comics under his wings.
Guest:Right.
Guest:Manipulate him as much as he could to get drug money.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:I drove him once.
Marc:I picked him up.
Marc:He wrecked his car in Mystic, Connecticut or something.
Marc:I picked him and Karen up.
Marc:I didn't even know what was going on.
Marc:Drove them to the Lower East Side.
Marc:He scored heroin.
Marc:Got back into my car sweating.
Marc:We went to Jimmy Tingle's house, not expecting us.
Marc:And Frankie bangs on the door and says, I got to take a shower.
Marc:Tingle, who's sober.
Marc:I mean, I got Frankie's story.
Guest:I've told this story a million times.
Guest:We were in New York.
Guest:We're doing a one-nighter.
Guest:I'm driving.
Guest:We pick up this comic, do the gig, and on the way back, we're supposed to drop him at the Improv.
Guest:I go, hold on, we're going to make a couple stops.
Guest:So I drove up to Harlem, and I'm buying crack.
Guest:There's fucking guys running around with knives.
Marc:You ended up smoking the crack.
Guest:I was cracking.
Guest:That was the crack, yeah.
Guest:Or Freebase, whatever you want to call him.
Guest:And then so he's like, get me the fuck out of here.
Guest:Get me, you know.
Guest:And then it's just a little white kid from Arizona doing a one-nighter.
Guest:And then Frankie, he dropped me off.
Guest:We go, one more stop.
Guest:And we went to Lower East Side.
Guest:And Frankie got heroin.
Guest:So now Frankie's in the backseat shooting dope.
Guest:He's fucking panicking.
Guest:He's like, can you please drop me off?
Guest:Yeah, we're done.
Guest:And it was Spade when he first came.
Guest:I just saw him last night.
Guest:Yeah, and when I saw him, it was him.
Guest:Right.
Guest:And when I saw him, I saw him at the cellar like maybe four weeks ago.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:He goes, you guys held me hostage.
Guest:And he even remembered a gig we did.
Guest:It was BF Packies, a one-nighter for Gary Grant.
Guest:So Frank- Terrified him.
Guest:He was just some little white kid doing props.
Guest:Yeah, yeah.
Guest:He was a prop.
Guest:He did props.
Guest:Yeah, yeah.
Guest:Welcome to comedy.
Guest:Welcome to comedy.
Guest:So we took him hostage.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And then I started running.
Guest:Now I'm working, getting spots all over.
Guest:I'm a fucking horrible headliner with energy.
Guest:Just whatever it takes.
Marc:Trying to figure it out?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:When I saw you, you weren't moving.
Marc:Like you said, you went through a Hicks thing.
Marc:It must have been before.
Marc:When I saw you, the first time I saw you, you were smoking on stage in between jokes and you were standing real still.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Which is, I think, why I made the Dice Association.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:No, I was probably in my deadpan stuff.
Guest:Right.
Guest:I think that was it.
Guest:Because I liked writing deadpan jokes.
Guest:I just didn't know how to deliver.
Marc:It's so funny because so many people go through a deadpan thing.
Marc:It's a control thing.
Marc:You know what I mean?
Marc:You know exactly what that tone is.
Marc:You're just going to drop the shit.
Marc:Yeah, you don't have to get behind it at all, really.
Guest:So if you're riding in a cab and the driver goes in reverse, does he owe you money?
Guest:Right.
Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest:I bought a wood stove.
Guest:I only got to use it once.
Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest:They were so easy to write, too.
Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest:And you thought you were Stephen Wright, but he was so fucking clever, you couldn't be Stephen Wright.
Guest:Right.
Guest:Because he was at another level.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:You could be that kind of delivery, but you could never be...
Guest:As brilliant as he was.
Marc:So you got sober.
Marc:How long before you meet the woman and become your wife?
Marc:The first wife?
Guest:Oh, so this is, I was off on a Sunday night and they had a one, they had comedy night Sunday night at a place called Charter House or whatever in Jersey.
Guest:And I went to go just hang out with Paul Lyons and watch Paul Lyons work.
Guest:I remember him.
Guest:Nicest guy.
Guest:He's out writing or doing whatever.
Marc:Wasn't he in a cult for a while or something?
Yeah.
Guest:Was he?
Guest:Paul?
Marc:Maybe I'm thinking of somebody else.
Guest:I think he just came out bisexual online, which doesn't mean anything.
Marc:Maybe that was the vibe I was getting.
Guest:The closeted vibe.
Guest:But he did the best Barney Fife.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:He did the best Barney Fife out of... So I went to hang out, and there was a girl sitting at the end of the bar.
Guest:She looked like Cheryl Teagues.
Guest:She was fucking so beautiful.
Guest:And...
Guest:I either bought her a drink or said, let's go out to breakfast.
Guest:I took her to the diner.
Guest:Did you tell her you'd give her a head in the car?
Guest:No, this was, I wasn't, no, not with her.
Marc:You didn't have to.
Guest:Oh, wait, wait, let me back up real quick.
Guest:Let me just back up real quick.
Guest:Go down on your car, in the car after we eat eggs.
Guest:Let me back up.
Guest:When I got out of rehab, I had like four or five months sober.
Guest:I was doing this other club, White House Station or something.
Guest:I met this girl, Kathy.
Mm-hmm.
Guest:mark you couldn't have been any better looking than this fucking girl yeah prom queen head cheerleader yeah valo whatever they call it valedictorian valedictorian i mean everything yeah she lived up in the hills she had a built-in pool a pool table you know this is like the fresh air fun to me this is hitting lotto yeah this fucking girl is smoking
Guest:Out of her mind, eating disorders.
Guest:Out of her mind.
Guest:Just complete crazy.
Guest:And her history, I know why.
Guest:I don't want to get into it, but she was out of her mind.
Guest:And I'm in this relationship four months sober, and I'm not supposed to be doing this, but I've never had someone that's good-looking,
Marc:I know.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:You know, I married one.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And I'm like, this is fucking amazing.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:But it was total insanity.
Guest:I mean, we fought.
Guest:I was jealous.
Guest:I still am in life.
Guest:I still got to work on jealousy.
Guest:It's a fucking horrible thing.
Guest:It's cancer.
Guest:It's distrust.
Guest:It's distrust.
Guest:It's insecurity.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Yeah, well, it's also, too, my mom- Are you talking jealousy in relationships or jealousy in general?
Guest:Well, in general, I'm working on that.
Guest:And in relationships, the distrust is what I got from my mom as a kid doing what she did to us as kids.
Guest:But she did do the best she could for a single mom back in the 60s, okay?
Guest:So it was crazy.
Guest:Just crazy.
Guest:We got in a big fight one day and she called a friend and she goes, I'm going to kill myself.
Guest:Wait till your friend gets here because I'm going to get in fucking blame.
Guest:Just insanity.
Guest:Always watching your back for that.
Guest:I'm not going to jail.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Can we get pictures of you doing it?
Guest:Is there a video camera around?
Guest:So I got out of that.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I could not let go of this relationship in my head.
Guest:You know, she was crazy, but I was on my mind so mixed up.
Guest:I did drugs for how many years?
Marc:But look, what do you mean it's mixed up?
Marc:It's emotionally is what it is and where you come from.
Marc:You know, the crazier ones leave the most impact and you can't.
Marc:It's hard to let them go.
Marc:I don't know how not to be with a crazy person.
Marc:I'm still working on it.
Guest:But when they leave, when you get out of that bad situation, you're going, why am I feeling worse?
Guest:Why am I feeling worse?
Guest:Well, you like the engagement.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Being comfortable in uncomfortable situations.
Guest:Because that's what I grew up in.
Guest:Right.
Guest:Uncomfortable life.
Guest:And if you don't have it, you'll make it that way.
Guest:You'll make it, yes.
Guest:100%.
Guest:100%.
Guest:You will fucking twist things and fucking throw a monkey wrench.
Guest:Right.
Guest:It's just the perfect thing in life.
Guest:That's true, man.
Guest:You just do it.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:You do it.
Guest:I got to fight that every day.
Guest:Because how can I fucking sabotage this?
Guest:I'm not good enough.
Marc:But right, but it's a weird way to look at sabotage because it's not just sabotage.
Marc:It's sort of like, how can I get back to my comfort zone of feeling like a fucking asshole and having chaos around me?
Guest:Yeah, because it's going too good.
Guest:It's too smooth.
Marc:But it's just not what I'm used to.
Marc:You're not comfortable with it.
Marc:You've never experienced that, like joy and that kind of shit.
Marc:It's uncomfortable.
Guest:Yeah, it's uncomfortable because you don't know it.
Guest:You don't know it.
Guest:It's just like if I walked on hot coals right now, that would be uncomfortable because I don't know it.
Marc:Right, but it's interesting to look at self-sabotage.
Marc:Because self-sabotage, it's always easy to blame yourself.
Marc:I'm going to fuck it up.
Marc:But wait, the thing behind self-sabotage is like, I need to get back to what I'm used to.
Guest:Yeah, but it's not only that.
Guest:It's let me...
Guest:let me do this so when they say no it's it's because i made them say no yeah i have control of it i i'm the reason they said no not because of them because of what they see because they don't they don't know and i'm talking mostly you know right now i'm talking uh entertainment right they don't know jobs they don't know yeah i know right okay so this is how i'm doing it my way even if they tell me to do it their way fuck them they don't know well that's
Marc:But I was just talking to my brother about this this morning.
Marc:That's the way fucked up people parent themselves.
Marc:They say they stink.
Marc:Because this might blow your mind, but I've talked about it with other people.
Marc:When your parents are not present for you emotionally or otherwise, when you're a real little kid, you've got to think your parents are the best because they're your parents.
Marc:So if they're fucking up, the only person you can blame is yourself.
Marc:And then you carry that with you.
Marc:That's how you treat yourself.
Guest:That's your total center, damn.
Marc:That's your... I fucked it all up.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And you do it, and you try to fight, hey, do not fuck this up.
Guest:I was in a meeting once with Bonnie, and she's just the same.
Guest:She's fucked up in her head.
Guest:She's got to be.
Guest:As a comic, we're in this fucking meeting.
Guest:You couldn't be any more white guy, the Asian guy, the black guy, and the lady.
Guest:Or whatever colors they were.
Guest:But it was a mixture.
Guest:Exactly.
Guest:Talent execs.
Guest:And the first, they said to Bonnie, where are you from?
Guest:The first line she says is, my mom's pussy.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:Why would you say that?
Guest:Okay.
Guest:To these fucking squares.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:They'll want to give us a deal or want to work with us.
Guest:And that fucking meaning was that.
Guest:But she's even worse.
Guest:I mean, she's fucking worse.
Guest:so that's why i love her because she's so fucked up like when we find the same victim together that we can attack as a team yeah it just brings us together like the love the joy in your heart in our hearts when we're going after the same person when we're fucking in the car going oh this is you know and we'll go you know uh and our radio show we'll attack some of our podcast whatever
Guest:So let me try to get back to where I was at.
Marc:So you had the bad thing with the anorexic girl.
Guest:With the anorexic.
Guest:I met my first wife, Kelly.
Marc:Cheryl Teague at the end of the bar.
Guest:Very nicest girl, but she had another one.
Guest:Great person, great mom now.
Guest:I was just with her last week.
Marc:How old was your kid with her?
Guest:I have two, 24 and 22.
Marc:You have two kids with her and one with Bonnie?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:But she was married at 17 to her first husband.
Marc:Does she have a kid with him?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:I had a step kid.
Marc:I had a step kid.
Marc:Okay.
Guest:She just got into wrong situations.
Guest:And she, I guess, had codependent issues in life.
Guest:And I'm not a therapist.
Guest:But then we got married, had two kids.
Guest:I'm working doing fucking one-nighters, doing whatever I can.
Guest:You're staying sober, though.
Guest:That's pretty amazing.
Guest:I'm traveling.
Guest:I did this fucking gig.
Guest:Now I'm doing road gigs.
Guest:And I remember being in Florida.
Guest:I drive down.
Guest:I get there, the gig is, it's like there's puppets behind the curtain.
Guest:It's Chuck E. Cheese, right?
Guest:I'm going, this is fucking, and all I hear on the radio that week, and I think it's with her or one of my girlfriends, Colin Quinn and Mario Joyner are taping their HBO specials in Miami.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:and i keep hearing that and i'm like fucking want to blow my brains out because i'm doing a puppet house you know but i'm not as good as them i'm not as good as a comic as they are yeah uh you know i'm scared they're going to do their shows and come in for pizza and see me and so i do this fucking horrible gig then i do a gig in homestead yeah i want yahoos i fucking 45 minutes fucking bomb a bomb then the owner comes yahoo's
Guest:It was a bunch of yahoos.
Guest:The owner comes up, big ex-cop, grabs my hand, holding my hand.
Guest:Says to the audience, I think you were very rude to him.
Guest:Apologize, he'll do another 20 minutes.
Guest:I don't even have it.
Guest:So I fucking, that was a nightmare.
Guest:Then I had to drive to Key Biscayne.
Guest:Right?
Guest:Apologize, he'll do another 20.
Guest:So I'm in Key Biscayne.
Guest:I'm fucking at my breaking point.
Guest:Some girl comes walking by the stage in hot pants with a wooden leg and she starts heckling me.
Guest:Come on.
Guest:Who makes this up?
Guest:Yeah, right.
Guest:And I'm fucking losing.
Guest:I attack her.
Guest:I'm driving- You attack her.
Guest:I mean, verbally, not physically.
Guest:From a stage.
Guest:I'll beat you with your fucking bad leg or whatever.
Guest:I don't know what I said.
Guest:It was 30 years, 20 years.
Guest:I'm driving home back and on the radio comes Homeward Bound by Simon and Garfunkel and tears just come pouring down.
Guest:Tears.
Guest:I'm just fucking crying.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:Because...
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:All of it.
Guest:Because of all of it.
Guest:All of it.
Guest:And I got these kids at home and a fucking house in a blue collar area where people are driving by do get out of the neighborhood.
Guest:Really?
Guest:Yes.
Guest:It was right by Pennsylvania.
Guest:It was real blue collar.
Guest:The guy next door that lived next to me, his nephew had a big fucking swastika tattoo.
Guest:How'd you end up there?
Guest:the houses were cheap it was towards pennsylvania all right i don't fucking know my i follow my ex-wife you know i just didn't i couldn't i couldn't make a decision a smart one you know a rational one because i'm still i still have the mind maybe of a 20 year old because what do i have four years sober you know whatever a lot to do in that early surprise yeah i have four or five years sober i meet somebody i've never owned a house right away
Guest:Yeah, pretty close, yeah.
Guest:Yeah, fucking they're the greatest.
Guest:They are just the best kids.
Guest:How old are they, 24 and what?
Guest:24 and 22.
Guest:I went to my one daughter's graduation on Friday, and my other daughter graduated last year early.
Guest:My 22-year-old graduated early.
Guest:Dean's List all that I mean and she called me the other day she moved down to Houston with her boyfriend She quit her job at Macy's she calls me the other day and says I was offered a job 50,000 a year.
Guest:She's 22 in fucking Houston That's where 75,000 in New York, you know in whatever and I'm just I'm so proud of my two daughters.
Guest:They're good kids They've never ever see me high
Guest:They've never seen me drunk.
Guest:I used to take them to meetings when they were young because I had them in the day.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:My life was my kids.
Marc:Right.
Guest:Okay.
Marc:So you get a good relationship with them.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:And with the ex-wife too?
Guest:Oh, yeah.
Guest:When Bonnie and I got married, I moved close to my ex-wife.
Guest:I moved two miles from her so I could be by my kids.
Guest:I always lived close to my kids.
Guest:And then my ex-wife got remarried to a Canadian and I moved two miles from them.
Guest:And then I got married to Bonnie.
Guest:We had a kid.
Guest:She's Canadian.
Guest:yeah i know we turn each other off to americans or we both went low budget so but my ex-wife used to babysit our our daughter so that that divorce was an acrimonious yeah because she was already divorced once we didn't have anything any money or anything so we did our own contract yeah you know we and we had it notarized or whatever yeah well we didn't have anything well you've always you've always done well
Marc:When I first divorced, I had nothing and I just gave it to her.
Marc:The second divorce was a disaster.
Guest:Your career, I've always admired your career because you always worked.
Marc:It was kind of scrambly.
Marc:I got TV gigs and stuff, but as a comic, I wasn't making a lot of money.
Marc:The first divorce, I wrote that book, but I made $30,000 for that first book.
Marc:That's all I made.
Marc:Whatever I had, I just gave to her and said, I'm sorry.
Marc:I entered that second thing with nothing.
Guest:Now, I don't want to bring up names.
Guest:Was your first divorce I didn't know in your second divorce?
Marc:No, you knew Mishnah.
Marc:Yeah, you didn't know Kim, no.
Guest:Oh, okay.
Marc:They're both all right now.
Marc:I don't talk to Mishnah, obviously.
Marc:There's no reason to.
Marc:But the first one, I see her because she's my brother's first wife's best friend.
Marc:And my brother has kids.
Marc:Whatever.
Marc:I see her family things.
Marc:She's doing good.
Marc:And I think Mishnah's doing good.
Guest:Well, and you didn't have kids, so you could easily break away.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I knew that for the rest of my life, I'll be dealing with my ex-wife.
Guest:I go, I mean, in the beginning, I said things that I shouldn't have said.
Guest:And I apologized to her.
Guest:I go, whatever.
Guest:I'm not saying I'm fucking Gandhi.
Guest:I made mistakes and I was an asshole too.
Marc:But the bottom line was it didn't destroy the kids.
Marc:Like you said, this is an important point was that you set out to do it differently than your parents.
Guest:But I also.
Guest:Right.
Marc:A hundred percent.
Marc:You're right.
Marc:Even in the divorce, you had a commitment to your children.
Guest:Yes.
Marc:And you didn't let even the divorce destroy that.
Guest:Not at all.
Guest:My wife, I would have them in the day and then my wife would have them.
Guest:At night.
Guest:And, you know, I'd spend Christmas Eve.
Guest:I'd sleep there.
Guest:We were back and forth, me and her, sexually and dating.
Guest:You know, she kept me on her insurance for five years.
Guest:Then she said, look, we got to finalize this.
Guest:You know, because we stayed separated for five years.
Guest:But we did a lot with our kids together.
Guest:Or I have them.
Guest:And throughout this whole time, and I passed over this.
Guest:When I was 21, I had a major anxiety attack.
Guest:And I went to the hospital.
Guest:But back then, they didn't know what anxiety was.
Guest:They gave you a fucking Thorazine.
Guest:They thought you were nuts.
Guest:So crazy shit.
Guest:I mean, I thought I was losing my mind.
Guest:And I have anxiety in life.
Guest:Then when I was 40, I watched my kids every day.
Guest:They were out of the house in school.
Guest:During school now, now I have the whole day.
Guest:What am I going to do?
Guest:And I'm going, I'm 40 years old.
Guest:My career sucks.
Guest:I have nothing going on.
Guest:And the anxiety came back really bad.
Guest:And I was ready to quit comedy.
Guest:I didn't know what I was going to do.
Guest:Are you going to start painting again?
Guest:I didn't fucking know.
Guest:I was just so scared.
Marc:I had that moment like five years ago.
Marc:Where you're like, I can't get work.
Marc:What are you going to do?
Guest:It's insane.
Guest:I go through that now.
Guest:I fucking, I can't, and listen, I built up a pretty good fucking resume and I don't fail on stage, but there's some fucking cocksucking headliner that will do it for $1,200 and go in.
Guest:But a lot of these clubs aren't smart enough to figure, you know, what I want, I'm going to sell that many more tickets.
Guest:But that's besides the point because
Guest:I'm a survivor and you're like, you're a survivor.
Guest:You figured out a fucking way to do it on your own terms.
Guest:Everything I do or we do, me and Bonnie or we do several, we made our own movie.
Guest:No one fucking, we made this movie and it's a fucking hit.
Guest:It's a hit on Netflix.
Guest:What's it called?
Guest:Women aren't funny.
Guest:I've done four CDs all myself.
Guest:Sure.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:Our pilots, we write.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:We come up with the ideas and just, I can't tell how many production companies want to work with us.
Guest:So you create your own fucking destiny.
Guest:You don't let the business do it.
Guest:That's why I used to love like Dane and all those redneck guys and all that.
Guest:Whatever they did on stage, I can't tell you because I never watched.
Guest:I couldn't tell you one joke from Dane and I couldn't tell you one joke from Larry the Cable Guy.
Guest:But what they did that I respect is went around the business and created their own opportunities.
Guest:Okay?
Guest:And I feel that in life, as an entertainer, there's no ending to what you can do on your own.
Guest:I'm not going to let fucking the improvs fucking dictate.
Guest:I won't do them.
Guest:I would if they call me.
Guest:They just won't do them.
Guest:But you're doing theaters.
Guest:You get to do theaters now.
Marc:Yeah, it's just new.
Marc:That just happened.
Marc:It's the first time.
Marc:It's great.
Marc:I got no complaints occupationally.
Guest:I'm happy to be making a living.
Marc:You're doing this.
Marc:But I always see you.
Marc:The one thing about you, you've always been a very decent guy.
Guest:Thank you.
Marc:But that's a lot to say.
Marc:There's a lot of monsters in this business.
Marc:But you're a sweet guy.
Marc:Thanks.
Marc:well yeah i don't know how that's possible but it's fine well because you know what here's the in this business but innately you're a sweet guy you care about people you know you took care of your kids you're always straight you know what i mean like you've got your demons or whatever but yeah you know the relationship with your daughters now you have a new baby what's that like how old's that she's seven
Guest:how's that going she's great she's so funny she's the fucking she did this oh you want to hear a funny story we were she's we're in uh amsterdam doing this festival yeah so whatever fucking the fly by night festival in there yeah so uh me bonnie and we brought reina and so i'm talking with tom rhodes yeah and then bonnie later says to me uh i don't think tom rhodes likes me i go what the fuck you
Guest:Nah, he's always talking to you.
Guest:I just don't think he likes... Look, I've known Tom forever.
Guest:Nah, he just doesn't like me.
Guest:I don't think he likes me.
Guest:I go, well, you're wrong.
Guest:So later on that night, I had another gig and Bonnie and Raina went back to the hotel.
Guest:So Raina goes, all right, watch this, Bonnie.
Guest:I'm Tom Rose.
Guest:And she goes...
Guest:I'm Tom.
Guest:Richard, I love you.
Guest:You're the greatest.
Guest:You're the best.
Guest:Hi, Bonnie.
Guest:You are Tom Rhodes.
Guest:Ignoring her.
Guest:You are so funny.
Guest:You're so good.
Guest:Hello, Bonnie.
Guest:It was so fucking funny.
Guest:She writes bits.
Guest:She's seven.
Guest:She said to Bonnie, she said...
Guest:You should go on stage with a cast on your arm, a cast on your leg, roll out in a wheelchair and say to the people, you should feel sorry for me.
Guest:I'm married.
Guest:She knows your shtick.
Guest:She's fucking, she's great.
Guest:She's so much fun.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:She's seven.
Guest:Like, I can't, you hold her and you kiss her and you play, you know what I mean?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:She's just a fucking doll.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:She really is.
Guest:I don't have a lot of time for her, but, you know, Bonnie's raising her, you know, because I'm on the road trying to, you know.
Guest:Earn a living.
Guest:Yeah, Bonnie, she has a book deal.
Guest:She's got so much fucking heat right now from this movie.
Guest:And, you know, she's just brilliant.
Marc:But you guys are good together?
Marc:You're good?
Guest:The relationship's solid?
Guest:Yeah, we fight.
Guest:You know, two comics, you know.
Guest:No, but I mean, but you're good.
Guest:Yes, we're good.
Guest:Yeah, 10 years, we're good.
Guest:Yeah.
Yeah.
Guest:Yeah, we have our own separate careers.
Guest:We do stuff together.
Guest:I have to work on jealousy issues.
Guest:I'm not resentment, anger, jealousy.
Marc:Like business or dudes?
Guest:Both, both, both.
Guest:Especially even business, too.
Marc:It's hard when they're doing better than you.
Guest:Once she's getting all this heat, I'm going...
Guest:You know, we did a pilot.
Marc:Why can't we be more pimp like it and say like, that's right, baby, bring the money home.
Marc:We got to be like, what about me?
Guest:What the fuck is wrong with us?
Guest:I don't want the fucking money.
Guest:I don't care about the money.
Guest:Look, I have to have one fucking TV show before I quit this fucking business.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:We did the pilot with True TV.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I go, this is getting picked up.
Guest:Just a couple I've done.
Marc:So now we're back in Vegas.
Marc:So you're at Brad Garrett.
Guest:No, but it didn't get picked up.
Guest:But next thing you know, True TV's calling Bonnie to do a bunch of stuff.
Guest:I'm going, what the fuck?
Guest:Did they hate me?
Guest:But was this the pilot when you were about to do the weekend at Brad Garrett's?
Marc:Yeah, that pilot.
Marc:That's the one they called and said it's not happening?
Guest:Yeah, we did one 10 years ago.
Guest:We've done a bunch of... I've done...
Guest:Whatever.
Guest:You know the deal in this fucking business.
Guest:It's so hard to get a show on TV.
Guest:It's so fucking hard.
Guest:But, you know, she's so good with the kid.
Guest:I'm bouncing all over the place, but she's great with our kid.
Guest:Because she's...
Guest:She knows how to make crafts.
Guest:She's brilliant.
Guest:She's a mom.
Marc:How's her mom?
Marc:Do you have the grandparents?
Marc:Well, my mom's out.
Guest:Your dad's out, right?
Guest:No, my dad's still functioning.
Guest:He sees the kid?
Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest:You're okay with your dad?
Guest:Yeah, he's a little bit of a narcissist.
Guest:But, you know, he's in his 80s, so I try to bring the kid to New York as much as I can.
Guest:It's not a lot, but he'll see the kid.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:But you're okay with him.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:You made amends.
Guest:Yeah, pretty much.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:My mother's in a nursing home.
Guest:I go, look, I love you.
Guest:I'm sorry for... She can't talk back.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:But I guess, you know... Right.
Guest:You got to... It's so hard.
Guest:My sister's hanging on to resentment and anger more than I am.
Guest:Yeah.
Yeah.
Guest:But I realize they did the best they could, I guess.
Guest:Or they just didn't know.
Guest:They didn't fucking know.
Marc:I think that's better.
Marc:They didn't know.
Guest:They didn't know.
Guest:They didn't do the best they could.
Guest:You're right.
Guest:I hate that fucking saying.
Guest:I do, too.
Guest:It took a long time.
Guest:Yeah, I hate that.
Marc:Because people used to say that.
Marc:I don't know if they did the best they could.
Guest:No, you're right.
Marc:I don't think they tried at all.
Marc:I think they just took it for granted and they didn't know what they were doing.
Guest:Yeah, you're right.
Guest:I don't always do the best I can.
Guest:I could have the other day stayed home, but I went and played golf.
Guest:I just got back.
Guest:I just played on the road.
Marc:So, you know... The best you can say is like, look, they fed me.
Guest:I survived.
Guest:Yeah, really.
Guest:Oh, here's... I had a house.
Guest:Yeah, that's the best they could do.
Guest:How about maybe a... You know, it's so fucking unbelievable.
Guest:My daughter doesn't realize how much shit we do with her.
Guest:My parents didn't do that.
Guest:We sit and play games with her.
Guest:We've taken her to fucking Europe, Florida, here, there, all over.
Guest:She sees the world.
Guest:She sees comics.
Marc:She's...
Marc:How about your older kids?
Marc:They get along with the kids?
Guest:Oh, they love her.
Guest:Yeah, my older kids are great.
Guest:They love her.
Guest:They're good kids.
Guest:They'll come over.
Guest:I mean, I do have to pay them when they babysit, but they're good kids.
Guest:They're just good.
Guest:They drink, they party like normal.
Guest:They're not full-blown alcoholics or drugs like me.
Guest:I don't think they do any type of drugs, I'm pretty sure.
Guest:They saw...
Guest:You working so hard.
Guest:Yeah, right.
Guest:They heard it.
Guest:Let's go either way.
Guest:It goes either way.
Guest:Yeah, yeah.
Guest:There's no rhyme or reason for addiction.
Guest:No one knows.
Guest:So what are you doing out here?
Guest:So I came out here.
Guest:I'm supposed to work this weekend in a comedy club.
Guest:So I came out early.
Guest:I always wanted to do this and do a couple spots.
Guest:And then I'm going up to Ventura Comedy Club and doing that Friday, Saturday, Sunday.
Guest:I heard about that place.
Marc:It's supposed to be good.
Guest:Hopefully, hopefully, hopefully, hopefully, you know, I don't get there in the whole, because I'm doing a door deal, you know, and next thing, well, these were all Groupons.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:You know, you do a fucking door deal and it's, you know, the door deals are like, huh?
Guest:Oh, no, no, this is college night.
Guest:Oh, no, this is military night.
Guest:So what is the deal?
Guest:What's the door deal?
Guest:200, $200.
Guest:No, it's whatever verse 50% of the door.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:But if half the door came in on fucking Groupon and passes-
Guest:You know, whatever.
Guest:But I get to come out to California, hang out.
Guest:I don't get out here that much.
Guest:You know, because I'm on the road or I'm in New York.
Marc:So you can go speak tonight at a thing?
Marc:Yeah, I'm speaking at just- At a rehab.
Marc:Promise is big rehab.
Marc:Is it?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Well, I think I've heard of it.
Marc:I've never been over there, but it's like I hear it in people's stories.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:And then, well, you got people you hang out with out here?
Guest:Oh, yeah, tons.
Guest:You know, I play golf out here.
Guest:You do?
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:You love golf.
Guest:Oh, fuck yeah.
Guest:I can get five hours.
Guest:I don't have to deal with anything.
Guest:I'm out there for four hours.
Marc:People love it.
Marc:I mean, I've talked to a few other people.
Marc:Who do you play with?
Guest:Out here, I play with Court.
Guest:This guy, Court McCarran.
Marc:I know Court, yeah.
Guest:He's great.
Guest:Or I play with Dunkelman.
Guest:I love playing with Dunkelman because he's more miserable than me.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:He's great playing with him.
Marc:Court's never.
Marc:He's miserable, but you don't know it.
Marc:He's such a waspy dude.
Guest:Yeah, he can't get any whiter than that.
Guest:Yeah, he's something.
Guest:Is he a good player?
Guest:He's like a scratch golfer.
Guest:He's really good.
Guest:It's unbelievable.
Marc:He looks like he should be good.
Guest:If he was that good in comedy, he'd be selling out theaters.
Marc:Do you play with Kirk Fox?
Marc:You know Kirk?
Guest:I played with him once.
Guest:How's he?
Guest:I played with him once.
Guest:He seemed like a cool guy.
Marc:Yeah, he's a golfer and tennis guy.
Guest:He's a tennis guy.
Marc:Yeah, you play Ray Romano?
Guest:No, no.
Marc:That's out of your pay grade?
Guest:No, I would play with him.
Guest:I just said, how are we going to?
Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest:I played last time I was in town.
Guest:I love this guy, Campanera.
Guest:Yeah, John Campanera.
Guest:Yeah, from Chicago.
Guest:Funny guy.
Guest:Funny from Chicago.
Guest:Yeah, yeah.
Guest:I played with him a couple times.
Guest:Yeah, yeah.
Guest:He's funny, man.
Guest:He is.
Guest:Really funny.
Guest:I like him.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:He's been funny for a long time, too.
Guest:Fucking from day one, I met him.
Guest:This guy was funny.
Marc:Yeah, 30 years already.
Marc:He's got to be in it as long as you.
Guest:Yeah, you know, it's guys.
Guest:He's on the road all the time, right?
Marc:He's doing boats.
Marc:Is he?
Guest:Yeah, he's doing boats.
Marc:Uh-huh.
Guest:You know, I was talking to a certain, I remember doing a thing with Mendoza.
Marc:It's good to know that you'll never be able to do boats, right?
Marc:I can never do a boat.
Guest:Well, one, I fucking, I have anxiety.
Guest:You designed your act so you can't do it anywhere with a fucking shitty comedy club.
No.
Guest:Listen, I could be sparkling clean.
Guest:No, you can't.
Guest:Yes, 100%.
Guest:I won't be politically correct, but I could be sparkling clean.
Guest:I've been doing this 30 years.
Guest:There's nothing I can't fucking do on stage.
Guest:There's nothing I can't do.
Guest:I don't care if it's a black knife fight or a fucking Jewish bar mitzvah.
Guest:I know how to fucking do it.
Guest:I've done it.
Guest:I have four CDs.
Guest:My last CD...
Guest:Even though there wasn't much, I took all the crowd work out because I just want straight material.
Guest:Because I've already accomplished crowd work.
Guest:I know I could do it.
Guest:It's a skill you need to have.
Marc:It's a survival skill.
Guest:And I could do it as well as any comic, pretty much.
Guest:I mean, Brogan was good at it.
Guest:Belzer was good at it.
Guest:Big J. But I'd rather...
Guest:now just move on to material yeah so what were you gonna say about dice no no the thing is i was listening to one of your podcasts and when i talked to dice yeah yeah and i and i associated you with well a lot of east coast you open the door for like guys like voss and florentine i don't know if you said florentine maybe norton yeah
Guest:And people, well, people used to say, you know, compare me to Slayton, United Dice, you know, because we did crowd work and we're both aggressive.
Guest:He fucking called me.
Guest:What a, I owe this guy.
Guest:He called me two weeks ago.
Guest:He just out of nowhere, he goes, hey man, I thought of you.
Guest:I got two tickets for Book of Mormon.
Guest:I can't go tonight.
Guest:Do you want them?
Guest:fuck yeah he gave me two tickets you know to see the musical yeah so who'd you go with Bonnie yeah I took Bonnie but it was right before Mother's Day and I fucked up and I should have said to Bonnie guess what I got I got you a Mother's Day present yeah but then I let her know that Slayton gave it to us and you know Slayton you didn't fuck up Slayton is you know he's Bobby Slayton he's got his own legendary he's another guy he's a sweetheart like you these guys he's venomous fucks he's a doll he's a fucking doll
Guest:Yeah, so I compare it to them, but you find who you are, you talk on stage.
Guest:I talk, you know, I'll do some crowd work if it comes up.
Guest:I'll talk about, you know, recovery.
Guest:I'll talk about my kids.
Guest:I'll talk whatever.
Marc:I know, but I think at some point, the reason I made the association was I felt that maybe you were going through a little bit of that.
Guest:Well, when you saw me back then, I mean, when we did that podcast festival- You got some against dice?
Guest:No, not at all.
Guest:Oh yeah, no, I don't like them.
Guest:Yeah, no, fuck them.
Guest:Matter of fact, when we were at Florentine's wedding, he goes, comics, take a picture, all the comics.
Guest:And Bonnie went to get in there.
Guest:He goes, no, just the guy comics.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Fuck you.
Guest:So then Bonnie did a joke, a Twitter joke.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I'm going to go.
Guest:Oh, sometime in the New York Post at Dices.
Guest:But it was a joke.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Then Dices on fucking ONA.
Guest:Trash and Bonnie.
Guest:And Norton and Obey are going, no, you don't get her.
Guest:She's being funny.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:So, you know, I'm not a big fan.
Guest:Look, I have nothing.
Guest:It's a different life.
Guest:You know what?
Guest:He doesn't live in my head, Renfri.
Guest:I don't give a fuck about him.
Guest:He's a legend.
Guest:Dice is a legend.
Guest:He sold out Madison Square Garden.
Guest:He has done...
Guest:things in comedy that 99% of the comics won't do.
Guest:So you cannot take that away from what he has done in this business.
Guest:But he was rude to your wife.
Guest:But he was rude.
Guest:Okay, so that's a whole different level.
Guest:That's a personal thing.
Guest:Sure.
Guest:As a comic, he has accomplished everything.
Guest:what i mean i i could only imagine sure selling out the garden right so but if you're rude like this comic last week or two weeks ago brought my wife on stage and said you might recognize her uh from two girls in a cup uh and and it's what and and then i saw him the other night i go and i and
Guest:I go, you don't introduce my wife that way.
Guest:My wife has worked hard enough to build a little respect in this fucking business.
Guest:Okay, you're not one of our close friends.
Guest:If Bobby Kelly said that or Colin or fucking Norton.
Guest:And I wasn't like going to fight him or me.
Guest:I just said, look, she's earned enough respect.
Guest:She's done three Letterman's, HBO commies.
Guest:She's fucking made a movie.
Guest:You know what I mean?
Guest:Treat her like a fucking comic.
Guest:Yeah, treat her like a comic, not some fucking broad that, you know, oh, she's done.
Guest:He goes, did I say that?
Guest:Yeah, you said it.
Guest:Whatever.
Marc:You know what you said.
Guest:And Bonnie yells at me.
Guest:Bonnie yells at me in the car.
Guest:What the fuck are you saying?
Guest:I go, you don't have to stick up.
Guest:I go, yeah, I do, because I don't want fucking people
Guest:You're a brilliant, you're a genius, you're a great writer.
Guest:I'm telling you, Mark, if you asked her to sit down and write a fucking script, she'd have one out in a week.
Guest:Brilliant writer, brilliant director.
Guest:But...
Guest:a little bit, she's not street smart.
Guest:She doesn't, you know what I mean?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And she lets people take, you know, kind of, hey, can you help me with this?
Guest:And she doesn't know how to say no.
Guest:She's a people pleaser at times and I tell her, say no.
Guest:Don't fucking do that.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Because they're just, she helped this one comic punch up a whole sitcom.
Guest:She punched it up for him
Guest:He never even fucking thanked her.
Guest:You know, right back, you know, fuck these self-centered cocksuckers.
Marc:It's nice to hear, though.
Marc:It's nice to hear that you have this respect and this love and you understand it.
Marc:And, you know, it's nice.
Marc:That's why she loves you.
Guest:You know, we get along.
Guest:She's cool.
Guest:It's fun to have somebody that gets it.
Guest:You know what I mean?
Guest:You seem great, dude.
Guest:She's fun.
Guest:Look.
Sigh.
Guest:You're all right.
Guest:You're all right.
Guest:Yeah, I'm okay.
Guest:I'm all right.
Guest:All right.
Guest:You know, I mean, our podcast is fun.
Guest:It's not this.
Guest:This is fucking amazing.
Guest:You get so many fucking... We don't get guests.
Guest:We just do it in our living room.
Marc:Well, this is my garage.
Marc:What do you want?
Marc:Did you see the house?
Guest:Yeah, so I went in there.
Marc:Your house is probably bigger than mine.
Guest:No, it isn't.
Marc:What are you talking about?
Marc:I have a townhouse.
Marc:I have a two-bedroom house.
Marc:I'm in a townhouse.
Marc:How many bathrooms?
Marc:Two bathrooms.
Marc:All right, I got one bathroom.
Guest:Yeah, guess what you have?
Guest:One person.
Guest:Okay, I have three.
Guest:Okay, I got 1,200 square feet.
Guest:I have a townhouse.
Guest:I got fucking neighbors.
Guest:But as I was walking to your bathroom, and just like me, I saw what an obsessive-compulsive jackass you are because all your shirts were hung the same way, and they're all the same shirt.
Guest:They're all the same fucking... I know.
Guest:That's what I do.
Guest:Like...
Guest:If I see one shirt I like, I have to buy every color of it.
Marc:You know what's sad about that?
Marc:I didn't even buy them.
Marc:I got them from wardrobe.
Marc:I can't even do my own shopping.
Marc:The show, at the end of the season, I'm like, can I take them?
Marc:They're like, take them.
Marc:I'm like, good.
Marc:I don't have to buy anything.
Marc:That fucking closet, I built that for a girl, hoping that she cleaned the fucking, put her shit in it.
Marc:She never did, and now she's gone, so I got this fucking closet.
Marc:When I started dating the girl I'm with now, she saw that closet and thought I was gay.
Guest:It's fucking... Yeah, guys shouldn't have that many classes full of clothes.
Guest:In that order, categorized.
Guest:No, I do too.
Guest:I do.
Guest:I got my... Everything's got to be in place.
Guest:I feel like fucking Kathleen Banks for Misery.
Guest:It's the only thing we can control.
Guest:It's so little we can control.
Guest:All my sneakers face the same way.
Guest:Do not.
Guest:I can tell.
Guest:I can tell if my wife fucking takes one of my belts or moves my sneakers.
Guest:I'm fucking out.
Guest:This is no bullshit.
Guest:I had a white tank top like this.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And it's not in my drawer.
Guest:I have ripped the house apart.
Guest:I cannot let... Where the fuck is my white?
Guest:Are you banging someone that left with my white fucking... You went there?
Guest:I mean, I'll go to the farthest.
Guest:Where is my cutoff?
Guest:I had to buy another one.
Guest:Just like it?
Guest:Well, it's not even the same kind.
Guest:That one I love.
Guest:What happened to that one?
Guest:I don't know.
Guest:Did I take it on the road and leave it somewhere?
Guest:I don't fucking know.
Guest:All I know is it's not there.
Guest:There's so few things we can control.
Guest:There's so few.
Guest:When I was fucking- Locked into it.
Guest:When I was 21, I walked in, I was smoking pot.
Guest:I go into this ice cream parlor and I go, give me a cup of ice cream, you know, scoop.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:So the girl behind the counter, 16, 17, scoops me the ice cream, right?
Yeah.
Guest:And then I'm like, whoa, I can't wait to eat.
Guest:I'm so hot.
Guest:The lady, the owner, comes flying out of the back.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And you know those little taster spoons?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Takes out two spoonfuls full.
Guest:Because it was two spoons.
Guest:Maybe one cent, one penny.
Guest:Right, right, right, right.
Guest:For 30 years, I went over my head what I would say to her if I went back into time.
Guest:For 30 years, I could not let go of this.
Guest:I'm going, how the fuck does somebody that owns a business take out two taster spoons?
Guest:One, I'll never come back.
Guest:I said, if I ever go back into time, I would say to her, it's against the health code rules to do that, and I'm never coming here again.
Guest:I couldn't say it then.
Guest:but why would that you know what's funny to me is that you've been working on that line for 30 years and that's all you got that's all i got i said it that's all i got out of it in 30 years of her living in my fucking head over the two things such a reasonable line you call her a fucking bitch or anything no nothing i wasn't even i'm just going i'm never coming here again
Guest:That's all I came up with in fucking 30 years.
Guest:This is fun here.
Guest:This was fun.
Guest:It was.
Guest:It was good talking to you, man.
Guest:Thanks for coming.
Marc:Thank you for having me.
Marc:What a sweet fucking guy, am I right?
Marc:For all your WTF pod needs, go to WTFpod.com.
Marc:Go to WTFpod.com slash calendar to see those upcoming gigs I got in July in Boulder and in Denver.
Marc:Get on the mailing list at WTFpod.com and I'll email you every week.
Marc:I do that.
Marc:I let you know what's going on if you don't know enough already by just listening to me now.
Marc:So what have I got here?
Marc:Here's what I got.
Marc:I'm not a pedal guy, but people send me pedals.
Marc:Earthquaker sends me pedals.
Marc:And MXR, that's Jim Dunlap Company, they got the Crybabies.
Marc:They sent me the Crybaby Wab, but they asked me if I wanted something else, and I said, I'll take an MXR Distortion Plus.
Marc:You know why?
Marc:Because that's the only pedal I had in high school, and I was a shitty guitar player, and arguably I'm still pretty shitty.
Marc:But they sent me an MXR Distortion Plus, which was the pedal I had in high school.
Marc:So this is an MXR Distortion Plus and a Telecaster, which was my exact setup in high school before I could play it all.
Marc:And again, I'm not saying I'm a wizard, but listen to this thing.
Marc:Oh, boy.
Marc:It's a lot of buzz.
Marc:That's a Telecaster.
Marc:I'm sorry.
Marc:.
Guest:Three chord wonder.
Guest:Boomer lives!