Episode 61 - Dave Hill
Guest:Lock the gates!
Guest:Are we doing this?
Guest:Really?
Guest:Wait for it.
Guest:Are we doing this?
Guest:Wait for it.
Guest:Pow!
Guest:What the fuck?
Guest:And it's also... Eh, what the fuck?
Guest:What's wrong with me?
Guest:It's time for WTF!
Guest:What the fuck?
Guest:With Mark Maron.
Marc:Okay, let's do this.
Marc:How are you, what the fuckers?
Marc:What the fuck buddies?
Marc:What the fuckineers?
Marc:Nice to see you.
Marc:That's ridiculous.
Marc:I can't see you.
Marc:I'm glad you're here.
Marc:I'm sorry about my voice.
Marc:I'm a little sick.
Marc:I've been invaded.
Marc:My head and my lungs have been occupied by simple organisms.
Marc:And I guess from what I understand, my body trying to get rid of those organisms or the lesions of them that are dying is producing a lot of snot and goo that is now fucking with my voice.
Marc:But I didn't want to deny you.
Marc:I didn't want to not do a show, which would be ridiculous.
Marc:You can still hear me.
Marc:I always wonder what people do.
Marc:For some reason, I feel like I'm the only person that does shows with this voice.
Marc:I don't listen to enough radio to know whether other people do it.
Marc:But that...
Marc:That's neither here nor there.
Marc:I'm fine.
Marc:I know.
Marc:I got the tweets.
Marc:I got the emails.
Marc:I got the Facebook messages.
Marc:I know.
Marc:I need a neti pot.
Marc:I understand.
Marc:I've used something similar.
Marc:I used a sinus wash.
Marc:Some people say that you can get more sick from that.
Marc:Either way, it is definitely a humbler, an exercise in humility to squirt water up your nose until it comes out your mouth.
Marc:You feel like you're doing something.
Marc:Perhaps you are.
Marc:But I just find that even given the vitamins I'm taking and the oregano oil that I took to get rid of this thing, that once it settles in, it settles in.
Marc:So that's what you're hearing.
Marc:I have a co-host today, and that will be the bacteria or viruses, I believe, that have inhabited my lungs and head for the time being.
Marc:Welcome.
Marc:Welcome to them and welcome to you.
Marc:How do I want to start this today?
Marc:In the studio a little later, here at the Cat Ranch, in the garage, I'm going to have Dave Hill, who I don't know a lot about.
Marc:But I do know that he's around.
Marc:He stuck a microphone in my face here and there.
Marc:I do know he makes frequent appearances on This American Life, on NPR, Ira Glass' precious and touching but fairly well-constructed show.
Marc:So I need to get something out of Dave Hill.
Marc:I need to compete here because I feel like I'm being ostracized by This American Life.
Marc:I've submitted to them before.
Marc:Maybe my life is not...
Marc:what they have in mind or maybe i'm not phrasing it right i don't know not jealous not resentful but i would like to be on couldn't hurt so that's coming up here's something i was thinking about because i've discussed atheism i've discussed my own agnosticism i don't find myself searching for god i don't find myself angrily not believing in god or defending that stance i'm sort of open to the mystic because i find it entertaining i
Marc:I do like to think that there's something else percolating, but I don't define it in any way.
Marc:But I have always thought about the need to believe.
Marc:I've spoke about it before.
Marc:One of my favorite books is The Denial of Death by Ernest Becker and the subsequent book, Escape from Evil.
Marc:That it sort of discusses this need to believe as being almost part of our genetic construct, that we seek belief.
Marc:We seek to be part of something bigger, to feel like we're part of a whole, to feel like we're connected in that way.
Marc:And I've always believed that.
Marc:And something happened recently that made me believe it even more.
Marc:You know, I have cats.
Marc:And recently I was away for a long time and I came back and my cats really didn't take back to me.
Marc:They didn't come to me.
Marc:They were skittish about it.
Marc:They didn't want to be part of me.
Marc:It hurt my feelings.
Marc:It took like a week for them to sort of get back on board.
Marc:I'd been away for a while.
Marc:And it was really distracting to me, and it actually hurt my feelings, as I said before.
Marc:And I had to think it through.
Marc:They're fairly simple animals.
Marc:I think they're a little more complicated than most people give them credit for.
Marc:I know a lot of people say they're stupid, and they are a series of habits and takes that are programmed into them, but I tend to invest a bit of mysticism into my cats, and I do believe they'll have distinct personalities.
Marc:But...
Marc:What happened when they didn't take to me, I was I was upset.
Marc:And I started thinking about it, about this idea that they're, you know, when you leave.
Marc:OK, so when I go on a trip and I say goodbye to my cats, I say goodbye, Boomer.
Marc:Goodbye, Monkey.
Marc:Goodbye, La Fonda.
Marc:I'll be back.
Marc:They don't acknowledge or hear any of that.
Marc:And I leave and I have to imagine that they'll sweep on my bed for a couple of days.
Marc:But come day three or four in their mind, because they're animals, it must be basically he's dead.
Marc:He must be dead.
Marc:He's not here.
Marc:It's been a few days.
Marc:He's dead.
Marc:So on some level, they've gotten past it fairly quickly.
Marc:I imagine the grieving process in a cat is not that long, but on a biological level, they must assume that I'm dead.
Marc:So when I come back, I have to imagine that on a biological level, they're like, what the fuck?
Marc:Why the hell is that guy back?
Marc:Is this a ghost?
Marc:Is it an apparition?
Marc:Is it a spirit?
Marc:This is bullshit.
Marc:He's dead.
Marc:That guy is dead.
Marc:I know.
Marc:I felt it.
Marc:And now he's back, and I've got to figure out what the hell to do with this.
Marc:And then they come around.
Marc:They smell you.
Marc:You're present and all this stuff, and they get back into it.
Marc:I don't know how much recollection they have around that stuff, but it's ingrained in them.
Marc:Okay, he smells like the guy that was here before.
Marc:False alarm.
Marc:But then I come back this last time and they were right on it.
Marc:They were there for me right away.
Marc:And then I started to think that, look, that means that they have faith, that they have the need to believe because they didn't go through all that insanity.
Marc:That literally I came back in and they're like, God has returned.
Marc:The Lord is back.
Marc:We knew he would come back.
Marc:So I think that that is religious thinking, or at least spiritual thinking, or at least some version of faith.
Marc:My cats are very, very religious, and I am the man, the God that returned.
Marc:But then, of course, you know, there's struggles.
Marc:There's struggles.
Marc:They don't always believe in a moment, even when I'm standing there.
Marc:They don't always listen.
Marc:But isn't that just like the lesser beings?
Marc:And I'm not talking about cats.
Marc:I'm talking about beings less than a god.
Marc:They're going to go through these struggles, and all you can do is be present for them and let them make their own decisions.
Marc:I am benevolent.
Marc:I love my cats.
I love my cats.
Guest:It's a sleep machine.
Guest:You have a sleep machine because of your sleep apnea.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And it's what is it?
Guest:It sort of hijacks your... What happens is like your... What's it look like?
Guest:It's like a box the size of...
Guest:like a toaster, and it has like a water thing, and like a humidifier, and this tube about like an inch in diameter, and then it has like a... A mask?
Guest:A mask.
Guest:You feel like you're in intensive care until you get used to it.
Guest:But it's so not welcoming to have anyone with you in bed, because they can't really get near you.
Marc:You're telling me that in post-coital bliss,
Guest:where you've just finished whatever it is that you've done yeah you get to say hold on let me put my machine on yeah i'll talk to you in the morning yeah or you or you even say like this is this sucks but like i can't i can't have people stay because because i have to wear this thing it's you know i could die
Marc:Or else you could be like, look, I really like you, and have you had to do that where you're like, are you ready to take the next step with me?
Guest:No, because girls that I like, I just don't wear it.
Marc:You just let them deal with the horrible snoring?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:I mean, they get used to it.
Marc:My guest in the garage here at the Cat Ranch is Dave Hill, Mr. Dave Hill.
Marc:A P.T.
Marc:Barnum of sorts.
Marc:A man of many hats and many things.
Marc:You know, I had to do some research on you because we've encountered each other over the years.
Marc:You've approached me with microphones at different events.
Marc:Yes.
Marc:And I've gotten many invitations to things that you do.
Marc:And I literally was confronted this morning with... And I ran into you at a show in New York recently on the Lower East Side, I believe.
Marc:We did a show together.
Marc:And then I was confronted this morning with the question.
Marc:I literally said...
Marc:What the fuck does Dave Hill do?
Marc:That's my question to myself every morning.
Marc:You show up on NPR.
Marc:You've ingratiated yourself with your talents into some very wonderfully artistic circles.
Marc:I've achieved low-level success in a lot of ways.
Marc:What kind of a low-level success?
Marc:No, I don't know if that's true.
Marc:You seem to promote yourself very well in the sense that I get this idea that there's a kind of 80s, maybe Anglo-English-y kind of rock sensibility to your branding, and then occasionally you wear other things.
Guest:Yeah, like now.
Marc:Yeah, and you have guitars around.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:And you are on NPR occasionally.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:Yeah, on This American Life, a popular program.
Marc:It's a very popular program, and it seems to me that I feel, from my own experience with them, I've submitted to them before, and I think there's something about the way I sound that they're afraid that I might frighten their audience.
Marc:It might.
Marc:Well...
Guest:I'd say that's probably accurate because if you listen, almost everyone that succeeds on that program barely speaks.
Marc:Yeah, like I'm listening to you right now and I'm like, I understand why Dave Hill is perfect because like even right now, like I like to keep talking.
Marc:I like to have a certain, I like when my voice comes out of your earphones, I want it to go directly into your brain.
Marc:I don't want it to go through the emotional center and then maybe tickle something with a brownie reference.
Marc:Yeah, yeah.
Marc:Yeah, I like to go right in.
Marc:Yeah, you just got to let it hang out there.
Marc:And sort of like swirl around.
Marc:Yeah, yeah.
Marc:Like Ira Glass, where you're just hanging on like, what word?
Marc:You actually have time when you're listening to it.
Marc:To his show to go, what word is he going to say next?
Marc:Yeah, or you can get up and go get a snack or something.
Marc:Sure, in between words, and you wonder what you missed, but then you realize that it's all going to be very painful, and then there might be some consolation at the end.
Marc:Well, that's what keeps people coming back.
Marc:Yeah, it's bittersweet, a lot of it.
Marc:It's like life is hard, but there are little closures here and there that you should be appreciative of.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:So you did a show at UCB last night called They Love Me in Japan.
Marc:Is that what it was called?
Marc:It should be called that, but it's called Big in Japan.
Marc:Oh, Big in Japan's better.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Because that's sort of like a take on Cheap Trick, live at Budokan.
Marc:Yeah, exactly.
Marc:Perhaps Bob Dylan's resurrection the second or third time in Japan.
Guest:Well, yeah.
Guest:Are you big in Japan?
Guest:Well, relative, musically speaking, relative to my, fame isn't the word, but popularity in America as a musician, I would say I have a band called Valley Lodge and it's all made up of guys that were in modestly successful like indie rock bands.
Marc:Like who?
Marc:Like what bands?
Guest:John Kimbrough from a band called Walt Mink, if you remember them.
Guest:I would like to say, oh my God, yes, but I can't.
Guest:They were like, you know, one of my favorite bands.
Guest:But, you know, like in the 90s, Caroline Records, Atlantic, Tour de Nirvana.
Marc:Oh, I like Caroline Records.
Marc:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest:Okay, Tour de Nirvana.
Guest:And then, you know, I played in a few bands, and probably the most well-known is Cobra Verde, an indie rock offshoot.
Marc:You were in that band?
Guest:I was in that band for a while.
Marc:You come to comedy by way of rock and roll.
Marc:Yeah, by accident.
Guest:How so?
Guest:Well, I never, I mean, I always enjoyed comedy and stuff, but I always played in bands and I still do.
Guest:And then I was a writer, but I was afraid.
Guest:I didn't have any confidence to be like, oh, I want to be a comedy writer and make jokes.
Guest:I would write like for a newspaper and write, you know, a 1500 word article and only be concerned about whatever jokes I could slip in.
Guest:sure to the piece i wouldn't care about anything else facts yeah if i pull off these three lines yeah i succeeded yeah with what i wanted to do and um and then with bands i was afraid to even sing and eventually i just got uh tired of having to try to find people to sing and i just started doing it and then i enjoyed talking in between songs like probably started to enjoy that more than playing the songs oh yeah
Guest:And then even though, you know, my bandmates didn't, you know, they kind of wanted to play the songs.
Guest:They were like, dude, turn it off.
Guest:Let's go.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:And I'd be like, oh, what?
Guest:The bass amp shorted out?
Guest:Perfect.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:Let me fill some time.
Guest:So then I came to New York like for the weekend in 2003 and I just didn't leave.
Guest:And because I had gotten a job writing for a bad TV show.
Guest:Which one was that?
Guest:On Spike TV.
Guest:It's called Crash Test.
Guest:I don't even know what that is.
Guest:No, you shouldn't know what it is.
Guest:It was a horrible show, but I made a lot of good friends who were great people on it.
Guest:And it only aired twice.
Marc:I know what Spike TV is a bit.
Marc:But I see you on, you wander around with a mic for a lot of different places.
Marc:For, yeah, like HBO and Cinemax.
Guest:And Comedy Central, right?
Guest:I have, but not like... Because that's been my experience with Dave Hill.
Guest:Like Dave Hill going, can I talk to you with a mic?
Guest:Yeah, that's basically how I, that's how I barely survive.
Guest:I've done a bit of that.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I mean, it's fun.
Guest:I mean, that's how I started doing it, you know, just on my own.
Guest:And then people were like, let's get that idiot to do it for us.
Marc:And you make short videos as well, which you can find at DaveHillOnline.com.
Marc:But let's talk about this Japan thing because I'm sort of fascinated with Japan.
Marc:So what were the experiences there?
Marc:Were there Japanese groupies?
Marc:Were there girls?
Marc:Did you enjoy the food?
Marc:I love the food.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:What is this fascination with Japan you have?
Marc:Why did you think you wanted so madly to go to Japan?
Yeah.
Guest:Because it's just, at least my perception of it was that it was just sort of this inversion of America or something.
Guest:But not like in a primitive way.
Guest:And it kind of is.
Guest:I mean...
Guest:it's very american and they're obsessed with american stuff but like but just like the the the it's sort of a mix of uh like extreme like commercialism but then like this beauty and this history and and uh everything's very compact and streamlined and nice yeah and everything comes in nice packaging i just got a big box not too long ago from a guy who lives in japan
Marc:Of goodies.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Strange candies.
Guest:Yeah, I mean, just right there alone, the candy, everything they, like, you can go to 7-Eleven there at a store like that and just... You feel like you're in an invented world.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:In another planet.
Guest:And you can eat like a king.
Guest:You can?
Guest:Yeah, and like the worst, and they have heated coffee in cans.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Heated coffee in cans.
Guest:Like a vending machine and a hot can of coffee comes out.
Guest:That's something worth traveling for.
Guest:It is.
Guest:I mean, at first, I had like five a day the first few days, but then I couldn't figure out what... I figured it was probably a bad move.
Guest:So, I cut it down to like a couple.
Guest:And they have beer vending machines, which was...
Guest:I mean, part of the thing with this show is about, like, then you've kind of... This thing happens that would be your dream to happen when you're 22 or whatever.
Guest:And then you're going... And, you know, we're going over there and, like, some of the guys are sober and stuff.
Guest:And it's just, like, there's nothing...
Guest:There's no one firing on all cylinders to really take advantage of the situation.
Marc:Because you've all had time to reflect.
Marc:You're older and wiser and don't take the risks you once took.
Guest:Yeah, so it was like everyone had brakes to be put on at various points.
Guest:There's no full-on debauchery.
Guest:Not even with you?
Guest:I had no partner in crime.
Guest:You know, if I had a guy to go drinking with, he was married.
Guest:If I had a guy to go to a massage parlor with, he was, you know... Married.
Guest:Married.
Guest:But, you know, I found...
Guest:Well, with the drinking, I got around because you can drink in the street there.
Guest:So that was fine.
Guest:We got to go sightseeing and I got to have a few beers while we did it.
Marc:It's important to be able to drink wherever you need to drink.
Marc:If you need to drink, that is important.
Marc:It's like, this is great.
Marc:I can drink in the street.
Marc:I can drink at work.
Marc:It's perfect.
Marc:It's like Mad Men.
Guest:Yeah, exactly.
Guest:But then the thing like...
Guest:I mean, the massage thing, like, I'm sort of fascinated both here and anywhere.
Guest:Is that, what, the happy ending type of situation?
Guest:Yeah, I mean, I've never done that, and I couldn't, I'm just not set up for that.
Guest:What do you mean you're not set up for that?
Guest:You don't have a penis?
Guest:I do.
Guest:I'm fully functioning genitalia.
Guest:But I just, my Catholic upbringing, like, there's too much, like, I would have to go, like, on a retreat or something if I got, like, a financed handjob.
Guest:Let's talk about the reason why you and I,
Guest:have never gone to a happy ending okay and so you're with me on this maybe not for the same reasons or the reason we haven't gone together you're saying I'm actually dating a woman that does that for a living really?
Marc:and I don't yeah which is a whole other ball of wax well I admire you for that not for a living it's just part of her but it's part of her cash flow
Marc:A little bit, but it's a little more dramatic than that.
Marc:There's costumes involved.
Marc:There's another woman there.
Guest:Oh, okay.
Marc:I think I know where this is.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:No, I don't know where it's going.
Marc:And quite frankly... No, but I feel like I get a sense of her business model.
Marc:Right.
Marc:She doesn't have sex sex for money, but she does put on a show.
Marc:Now...
Marc:Now, the reason I've not gone to a happy ending is I think that on some level, I'm afraid that I'll get in there and I'll be getting it and I won't be into it.
Marc:I'm afraid of disappointing the happy ending lady.
Marc:Oh.
Guest:Well, I would argue that they're all disappointed in the end.
Marc:But I could be wrong.
Marc:I don't have any guilt or shame around it.
Marc:Maybe I'm just a little apprehensive that, like, what if it's not that good?
Marc:Like, I've always felt that...
Marc:the whole paying for sex thing was just a little weird to me.
Marc:In the sense, I understand it, and I understand why people do it.
Marc:It's actually fairly responsible in a weird way.
Marc:Because then you pay for the sex, and you leave, and you're gone, and it's over, and they're not going to call you back unless you left something there.
Guest:Yeah, and even then, probably not.
Marc:They probably not, because they want to keep it.
Guest:But, yeah.
Guest:Well, my hang-up with it is...
Guest:I think I would probably go like, oh my gosh, this poor girl, and I would try to rescue her and like, why do you have to do this?
Guest:I had a thing where I met this...
Guest:this is goes back a couple years but um like you know in myspace there's like my like tila tequila myspace hose yeah kind of women right who that they that's kind of their that's their business model um and there was this girl who she was like really hot and uh and i was like oh i'm gonna add her as my myspace friend yeah um why not yeah why not just hit a button yeah and not
Guest:And so, and then I looked up photos, and there's a lot of naked pictures around the internet, and I'm like, wow, this is... This is a good friend.
Guest:Yeah, this has worked out great for me.
Guest:Good friend to have.
Guest:And so, but I'm thinking, like, she's, you know, she's not even aware that MySpace friended her.
Guest:But then she writes on my mess, whatever, wall or whatever, or whatever MySpace thing is.
Guest:And at the time, I had just met Stephen Colbert, and that was my photo of me with Colbert.
Guest:And so she's like, oh, that's a great photo of you with Colbert.
Guest:And I'm like, oh, I can't believe that.
Guest:MySpace hot girl wrote that.
Guest:And I'm like, oh, thank you.
Guest:And then she's like, I really like your fashion week video.
Guest:And I'm like, I can't believe she's.
Guest:And then I went back to her page and she had my, you know, one of my men on the street videos like embedded into her thing.
Guest:And then in the who I'd like to meet thing.
Guest:it said me oh and i'm thinking there's some this is a horrible prank someone's playing on me i've had that experience yeah and then then she writes and she's like hey like i i would like to meet you like like uh you know like i'm gonna be in new york are you performing or what you know so i'm like yeah i'm you know come to the show or whatever and then uh and then so she ends up not coming to the show and then it's like i'd really like to meet you your feelings were you waiting for her
Guest:That she just didn't show up?
Guest:No, because I... No, I think... No, I handled it all right.
Guest:I was distracted enough.
Guest:But did you know that she wasn't going to come or did she just stand you up?
Guest:I wasn't the sort of thing where I was standing there waiting for her.
Guest:It was sort of like... Be honest with me, David.
Guest:No...
Guest:It was just like, hey, I'm performing if you want to come.
Guest:Yeah, but you know in your heart that this hot girl that you're like... I desperately, desperately wanted her to be there.
Guest:You did, right?
Guest:I walked home in the rain.
Guest:Did you?
Guest:Alone.
Guest:Did you?
Guest:No.
Guest:It wasn't that bad.
Guest:I think given between what I wanted her to show up versus what happened to her not showing up, yeah, I would prefer it.
Guest:It would have been nice to meet her.
Guest:But this is what happened.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:So she writes and she's like, oh, I'm sorry I didn't make it.
Guest:Like, I'd like to meet you.
Guest:But then I'm thinking like, I don't, I want to like just meet up with someone, even if they're a hot, naked internet girl.
Guest:And then, but then I'm thinking, I should probably meet this girl.
Marc:Yeah, live on the edge.
Marc:You're a rock star.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:So I was like, all right.
Guest:and uh one thing led to another and uh so we met and had lunch and um we met at uh right by my house and uh and we're sitting there talking and so she's like ends up being like actually really well versed in my stuff my comedy stuff like you know quoting it in other words obsessed maybe a little stalker
Guest:No, not quite, though that's since happened, and I'm excited about that.
Marc:Okay, we'll talk about that in a second.
Marc:That's another story.
Marc:Okay, so now you're with Tila Coutinho.
Marc:Someone like that.
Marc:It was not Tila Tequila.
Marc:No, but someone who was aspiring to, that was her business model.
Marc:Maybe, I think.
Marc:So you just had lunch, you're by your house.
Guest:And she's like, oh, she's like quoting, you know, things that I've said.
Guest:And you're like, this is perfect.
Guest:I'm just like, this is so, like, this, because on the way over there, I'm thinking like,
Guest:And I'm thinking this is a prank or this is who is going to be there waiting for lunch.
Guest:And I'm excited either way because I'm thinking this is a really good prank.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And I respect whoever's pulling this off.
Guest:Right.
Guest:It's really good.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:So I'm like, I can't lose with this one, even if I look like an idiot.
Guest:Which could happen in both scenarios.
Guest:Well, yeah, well, it kind of does in a way.
Guest:I guess it's up to you to decide or whoever to decide.
Guest:Well, anyway, we're talking and she's like, you know, blah, blah, blah, this and that.
Guest:And I'm like, wow, she actually like knows my stuff.
Guest:And so I'm like, how about you?
Guest:You have the website, of course.
Guest:And she's like, yeah.
Guest:And she's like, but I'm trying to get into more, like, just modeling stuff, you know?
Guest:Sure, legit.
Guest:Yeah, she's like, you know, I was young when I did that fully naked stuff.
Marc:That always helps in the modeling careers when you have an extensive portfolio of nude pictures online.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:To jump to legitimate modeling always happens from there.
Guest:To her credit, though, she acknowledged it.
Guest:She's like, you know, I made some mistakes and it might hurt things.
Guest:And so I'm like, so is that what you're doing in New York?
Guest:She lives out here somewhere in California.
Guest:And so she's like, oh, I'm just here.
Guest:There's another job I do.
Guest:I'm just out here doing that.
Guest:And so...
Guest:I was like, oh, what?
Guest:You know, I had a feeling about it.
Guest:And I was like, what's that?
Guest:And she just kind of glossed, didn't answer, and then started talking about other things.
Guest:And then so I'm like, I think I gotta go back to this, what the other job is.
Guest:So what's the other job again?
Guest:and uh you said it like that yeah um and she's like oh like you know like a businessman needs like someone to have lunch with or dinner with or something you know like i uh work through a service and i'll meet them and and i'll you know i'll go to an event with them or whatever and it's like pays really well and i'm like really like what does that sort of thing pay she's like i have like four thousand dollars and i'm like wow for lunch that's what i said
Guest:I mean, I was trying to... You're trying to say, do you fuck for money?
Guest:Well, I was trying to say, I was trying to ask as if I thought that couldn't possibly be what's happening.
Guest:So I said, wow, that's the best job ever.
Guest:Like, I think sometimes I'm well paid for what I do.
Guest:You know, if I make a quick chunk of money for a short amount of time.
Guest:And I'm like,
Guest:wow you have lunch with someone for four grand that's the best job I've ever heard of and then to her credit she's like well you know sometimes it gets sexual but only if you know I decide if it's going to get sexual and then so she decides whether she wants to make the full $4,000 yeah
Guest:and i'm sitting there and you know we're at uh or i'll just we're at you know corner bistro in new york oh i'm not sure you should have dropped that name what what's that i'm kidding you're actually apprehensive about dropping the name of the restaurant not the girl i just i just didn't know i didn't want to drop the name of where i lunch with prostitutes okay um but uh but no but just to visit if you can anyone who's been there can visualize the table is very close yeah and so i'm thinking to myself oh my god
Guest:people can totally hear what we're talking about.
Guest:And anyone that can hear us thinks that I arranged to meet a prostitute for lunch if they're listening to this conversation.
Guest:And then it hits me.
Guest:I'm like, wait a minute.
Guest:I did arrange to meet a prostitute for lunch.
Guest:And I'm like, and then I had this like brief, like, and then I'm like, oh my God, like now she, this is, she's going to like try to proposition me or something.
Guest:But then she didn't.
Guest:She just started talking about comedy and was like really into comedy.
Guest:And that was it.
Marc:Did she do this?
Marc:Like, do you know Stephen Colbert?
Marc:Do you know him?
Marc:Do you know Zach Galifianakis?
Guest:I can't remember if she did that.
Guest:She might have done that with Colbert specifically because he came out from the photo.
Marc:Right.
Marc:So what ultimately happened?
Guest:She talked about comedy and talked about how she and her brother like to watch my videos online.
Guest:And then we went our separate ways.
Guest:And I walked home and I was like, I just had lunch with a prostitute.
Guest:I just had a $4,000 lunch for nothing.
Guest:For nothing.
Guest:I don't feel like I got the full treatment down.
Guest:No, I mean, that's the thing.
Guest:As these things go, I was a bit like, you know, I sat the whole time being like, oh God, please don't let me be propositioned.
Guest:Don't let this happen.
Guest:But then when I was walking home, I was like, why didn't she, my feelings were hurt.
Guest:Sure.
Guest:I was like, why didn't she proposition me?
Guest:What am I not good enough?
Guest:You were the nice boy.
Guest:You were her island of normalcy.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And 99% of me is glad, but then there's that part that's not.
Guest:Right.
Marc:So the 99% of you is glad and the 1% is not.
Marc:So you're primarily concerned that you can't help but see them as victims somehow and that they're in a compromising position that in your mind they don't want to be in and you feel like you need to help them.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:Oh, and now I remember why I brought that, that long story up was because I felt I had to do due diligence to encourage her to make money and in other ways by, I was telling, cause she was saying she wanted to get like DVDs of her dancing around and stuff.
Guest:And so I was like, that's where I think you should focus, you know, cause I was like, I'm not going to get her to like sign up with a temp agency or something.
Marc:but i'm like of the things she does like is four thousand dollars really worth the compromise that you make with yourself it probably is actually yeah we gotta get you over this guilt thing i mean what do we gotta do i mean i think this is what the obstacle is that uh to your uh your tremendous success is that i think you're right you're you're heavy-hearted you're carrying a lot of uh shame and you're projecting a lot of things onto other people and you feel like and then and then it ricochets back on me
Marc:Yeah, because you just leave yourself open.
Marc:You're just too vulnerable.
Marc:You're a candidate for doormatism.
Guest:I know.
Guest:Oh, my God.
Guest:But still, then there's the flip side of me where I'm kind of just a major a-hole.
Marc:How does that manifest itself?
Marc:Give me an experience of that.
Marc:Does your tone of voice change?
Guest:No, I'll probably ask for a bottle of Pellegrino for the road or something.
Marc:oh that's it and just be like i'm fucking taking this i don't see that's not gonna make me cry no i won't i won't even do that to you that would make me go holy shit he'll just fucking turn crazy at the end yeah like he just started looting my place do i get to have this guitar that you let me play i think i do like it well that's what i do i'll probably like run a finger over it see if there's any dust on it and then i'll be like wow you probably don't play this one too much oh yeah you don't really need this guitar do you no so do you want to tell a story
Marc:About what?
Marc:I don't know.
Marc:Something exciting.
Marc:I can't remember.
Marc:I remember the story.
Marc:I'm trying to remember the story I saw you tell in that room.
Marc:Something about shit.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:Oh, you know, I think I know what I talked.
Guest:Oh, I know.
Guest:I know that.
Guest:That show is horrible.
Guest:I know exactly the show we were talking about.
Guest:That show is awful.
Guest:But, you know, and I don't want to... You don't have to mention it.
Guest:Yeah, it's a difficult venue.
Guest:It's like a Bermuda Triangle of just... Like, I've done shows there where the entire bill... Wasn't... Wouldn't you talk about poo?
Guest:I think I did.
Guest:I think I did.
Guest:Which is not my... That's not normally what I... That's not NPRs of you.
Guest:Traffic in.
Marc:You don't traffic in poo?
Marc:Not that much.
Marc:Not many people do anymore.
Marc:I've just been... I've sort of broken the barrier a little bit where I've talked publicly about gas.
Yeah.
Marc:Really?
Marc:How did that go?
Marc:I'm not proud of it.
Marc:No, it's just about having a housemate.
Marc:Wait, that guy lives here?
Marc:No, that woman.
Marc:There's a woman in there now.
Marc:There's a party going on in the house right now.
Marc:You want to bring the guitar in?
Marc:Yeah, start rocking.
Marc:No, it's just about holding gas in.
Marc:Oh, yeah.
Marc:Out of fear.
Marc:And my idea is I think in a better world, we would feel free to just do that.
Marc:It happens.
Marc:And we wouldn't have that discomfort.
Marc:But I think that if I'm hung up about anything, it's gas.
Guest:But then in your sleep, you probably are just letting them go nuts.
Marc:I think I'm so deeply weird about it that I may even hold them in.
Marc:Oh, really?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:No, I'm not that weird about it.
Marc:Basically, the conversation is about the barrier, crossing the fart barrier with her.
Marc:Well, I don't think you want... Because she finds it hilarious.
Marc:Oh, so she thinks it's funny when you do it.
Marc:No, I haven't done it yet.
Marc:When she does it.
Marc:You just say fart, and she's hysterical.
Guest:Oh, so you probably... I could probably kill.
Marc:Yeah, why not?
Marc:If I timed them right.
Guest:But then she might turn around and be like, oh, I'm going to get in on this, and you don't want that.
Yeah.
Guest:Because I had that happen to me and I wasn't into it.
Guest:I was like, this is not a thing I want to be going on.
Guest:In a relationship?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:The fart contest?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I'm not looking for this level of comfort.
Marc:That type of intimacy?
Marc:No.
Marc:So you've gotten to a certain point with a girl where you're like, it's going to happen and you let it happen.
Marc:And she was like, wow.
Marc:No, no, no.
Guest:She did it.
Guest:This is a long time ago.
Guest:She did it like sat here like, I want to sit on your lap.
Guest:Like this is a joke, right?
Guest:And she farted and I was just completely, I couldn't process what just happened.
Guest:Like, and fortunately she was, she was attractive enough that I was like, you know what?
Guest:That's not going to really ruin anything.
Guest:But, uh, it kind of did.
Guest:No, I mean, like, it made the next, like, five or ten minutes.
Guest:I just had to, like, kind of work through it.
Marc:I got to take a walk, man.
Guest:But I don't, I'm just certain, any, you know, you know, maybe this goes back to the, not Catholic thing, but, like, you know, I just come, you know, my family and stuff, like, we didn't grow up, we didn't even hug, you know.
Guest:Right.
Guest:So, I don't.
Guest:to you know just any like just comfort a physical comfort on right in any way like to the leap to like sitting down on someone farting is like just sitting down on someone seems like a yeah that's extreme no don't do that and then farting it yeah so you literally your mind blew yeah yeah i just could not
Marc:No hugging in the Hill household?
Guest:No, it's only very recently been catching on.
Guest:And I think it's just because we've made friends with people that hug and we kind of can kind of hug.
Guest:But there's an extreme discomfort in it.
Guest:It's more of like a padding thing.
Guest:Like invasion of personal space and just sort of- This is with mom and dad?
Guest:No, I mean, my parents, no, almost never hugging.
Guest:Who are you talking about?
Guest:My siblings now.
Guest:Oh, you do a little hugging?
Guest:We get just like dancing around it, trying it out.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:Like, hey, okay, here we go.
Guest:Yeah, and just sort of like... But, you know, with my friends and stuff, it's like full cutting off of oxygen, like full-on hugs, but we don't do that.
Marc:I mean, my siblings and I don't.
Marc:But when someone does that to you, do you sort of leave your body like an abuse victim?
Marc:No, I don't know.
Marc:I'm comfortable with it with other people.
Marc:But not the family?
Marc:Not the family.
Marc:I don't know why.
Marc:My brother was a big hugger to the point where I'm the guy that's sort of like, all right, that's enough.
Marc:I mean, I don't mind it, but it's like when it gets too close...
Marc:You're sort of like, what happens now?
Marc:I mean, where's this going?
Marc:Which is not something you want to feel with your brother.
Guest:Yeah, yeah.
Guest:With your mom.
Guest:Yeah, because the thing is, like, with other hugging, like, you know, you think, well, with women, you think, like, there's a chance this might transition and full on just make it out.
Marc:Yeah, I've made that mistake before when a hug was too deep to sort of push my hips in.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:It was bad.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:but there's only one way to find out though yeah and that's usually like what are you doing is what I got once I'm like I don't know what happened sometimes it just happens I'm sorry I'm sorry and then you run off the other side of the parking lot and I scream at my genitals why how often are you on This American Life
Guest:uh i've been on a bit lately i mean i've been on maybe like four or five times in the last year but just doing stories yeah like what stories you do did you do the massage story no the story about going on a date with the prostitute no i talked about uh i just talked about my mom did you do this story that we don't hug
Guest:I don't know if that was in there.
Marc:See, I got a lot of good shit then.
Marc:No, I think I've given you all exclusive.
Marc:Right, but they're just pieces and you're probably going to chunk and spin them off into book deals.
Marc:Do you have a book deal?
Guest:No, I want one.
Marc:Well, I don't know why I don't.
Marc:Everyone does, right?
Marc:You seem to have a lot of pictures of you and you seem to, in different settings, and you seem to have a lot of videos of yourself.
Marc:And he's going to be showing up places.
Marc:And John Hodgman is your friend.
Marc:I think that it's only a matter of time.
Marc:It's only a matter of time.
Guest:Well, pictures, I don't seek that out, though.
Guest:No, I know.
Guest:You know how it is.
Marc:What kind of stories do you tell about your family on This American Life?
Guest:Well, I just told about my mother setting me up to go to a fundraiser.
Guest:for clergy uh nuns and priests um and uh and tricking me and a priest into going together with her to this thing because the theme of the show was parent trap and it was like a literal the my story was a little my mom trapped me in this priest into going um and and so it's about that sort of our
Marc:I want you to do a This American Life type of story.
Guest:Right now?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I can do that.
Marc:Okay.
Guest:What do you got?
Marc:Not one that's been on there.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:I'll give you an exclusive.
Marc:I want an exclusive This American Life style story.
Guest:All right.
Guest:I went to... Have I talked about this?
Guest:Because I've talked about it not on any... We've never had a conversation, Dave.
Guest:I know.
Guest:We said hello and stuff.
Marc:It felt like it went well.
Marc:Yeah, no, it's always been good.
Marc:And Aspen once, he stuck a microphone in my face.
Guest:I know, I remember.
Guest:I remember that and I remember feeling so dumb about it because the questions were like these dumb pop culture questions that I...
Guest:didn't write and i hated and that's not my thing and i was so embarrassed because are you starting the story now no this is like this is a freebie okay no i remember things so like oh my god mark marion must think i'm just such a douche for asking him what i just asked i had a mixture of feelings i i thought like i i know what it's like to be that guy with the microphone and and this guy's kind of a douchey
Marc:Yeah, you should.
Marc:That's what you should have lost away.
Marc:But there was sympathy there.
Marc:That's what should have been your takeaway.
Marc:The sympathy for you canceled out my feelings that you were douchey.
Marc:But I didn't know you well enough to... You didn't know me well enough to go, dude, I don't want to be doing this.
Marc:It's just a paycheck.
Marc:I kind of knew that.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:All right, so now, okay, should I introduce it like Ira Glass?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:I don't really do an Ira Glass impression, but I'll try to be really precious.
Marc:Well, you know, Dave Hill, who's a frequent contributor to our show, so many of us experience these things, and Dave Hill had a very specific experience.
Marc:Okay, that's not bad.
Marc:I mean, it's, you know...
Marc:It's my version.
Marc:I don't know what he sounds like, really.
Marc:I can't remember.
Marc:You should listen.
Marc:It's a really good show.
Marc:I like the show.
Marc:I'm not judging the show.
Marc:I'm just upset that they don't have me on it, and I've submitted it several times.
Guest:I submitted a lot before I ever got on it.
Marc:All right.
Marc:I'll keep submitting.
Marc:I don't know why.
Marc:I see you're on a show with my buddy Sam Lipsight in New York.
Guest:Oh, yeah.
Guest:Tuesday.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Oh, I went to prison.
Marc:No.
Marc:That's the story.
Marc:Okay, I shouldn't interrupt because Ira doesn't do that.
Marc:Many of us, I'll set it up differently.
Marc:The thought of being in prison is frightening to all of us.
Marc:And certainly to be in prison where you're not supposed to be in prison is probably the most frightening thing at all.
Marc:That's not bad.
Guest:okay oh I went to um last summer this past summer I went to well I had this idea that that I was you know just joking around thinking the worst place for me to do comedy like me specifically like because I'm not you know I don't do a lot of crowd work I'm not like very like likable
Guest:No, but like, just thinking like where it would go really badly.
Guest:And I thought like prison is probably the worst place for me and for most people.
Guest:So I then, and so I called Sing Sing.
Guest:Cause it was, you know, I wanted it to be like maximum security.
Guest:Cause I was like, if I'm going to do it, I should do it.
Guest:Right.
Guest:And so I called Sing Sing and, and like I set up the show and like, I thought like, Oh, this is really funny.
Guest:This is such a horrible, horrible idea.
Guest:And it was just fun to talk about with my friends.
Guest:And then,
Guest:You know, about a week before the show, I was like, wait a minute, this is an awful idea.
Guest:Like, this is like a horrible prank I'm playing on myself.
Guest:Like, this is going to go awfully and this is not going to be fun for me.
Guest:I'm not going to walk out of here.
Guest:Like, because I thought like, oh, if it goes well, that's great.
Guest:And if it goes badly, that might be even better.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Have a good story.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:But then I didn't, about a week beforehand, I was like, no, I don't want to do this at all.
Guest:This is horrible.
Guest:And so I was about to go to my computer and email and cancel and, uh, and the administrator person was like, Hey, we're just checking.
Guest:I, she ended up beating me to the punch and was like, Hey, we're just checking, you know, to see if, uh, if you're all still all set for next week.
Guest:Like the inmates are really excited.
Guest:Like we can't wait.
Guest:That's something that you love hearing.
Guest:The inmates are excited.
Guest:And like, you know, cause up to it, I like up until about a week before and I was just like laughing.
Guest:I'd like put it on my MySpace page cause I thought that would be really funny.
Guest:Um,
Guest:And they contacted me and were like, hey, why do you have this on your MySpace page?
Guest:You're like, you know, people can't just come to this show.
Guest:And I was like, yeah, I know.
Guest:I know.
Guest:I just wanted to have it on my page, you know.
Guest:And they're like, all right.
Guest:And so I was like, oh, shit.
Guest:Like, I guess I got to go now.
Guest:Like, they're expecting me.
Guest:and um and like i had sent a photo they wanted to make a flyer to hang around the prison and i intentionally sent like literally the gayest looking photo i had of myself because i thought that would be that would be really funny yeah to have like this photo of me around prison so i was like oh my god like and so so i was like all right well like what um you know i kind of wanted to go well i think i know what to expect a little bit but what can you give me some information and
Guest:And she's like, yeah, like so far about 250 inmates have signed up to a tenure show.
Guest:They're all maximum security, violent felons.
Guest:And they really like jokes about being in jail.
Guest:And their favorite comedians are like the Wayans Brothers, Cedric the Entertainer.
Guest:you know like you know not basically not uh black comics basically and uh and she's like they will no doubt be your toughest crowd and she put that in quotes nice and then put a smiley face emoticon like just like fuck with me or something yeah and so i was like oh man
Marc:and i was just like really dreading this and uh i'm dreading it and i'm sitting here listening you're dreading the story no i'm dreading yeah i'm not dreading the story but i'm like i've been in a situation where you know you have a gig sitting out there on the books where you're like oh no like even when you're having a happy thought during the day you're like today's not so bad i've got to go do that show
Guest:Yeah, that's how I felt because it was like I don't want to think about it at all.
Guest:But then I'm like, this is all I can think about.
Guest:It was just horrible.
Guest:And I'd never done this before, like really written a set specifically for an audience.
Guest:Just kind of usually just go out and do my thing and hope people like it.
Guest:But this, I was like, I'm going to make an exception.
Guest:You're actually going to do your job.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Well, like, right.
Guest:I don't like write jokes like, Hey, like what's, you know, I, I, I read up on prison and learned some lingo and I wrote like a 15 minute standup set all based on, on like prison jokes and stuff.
Guest:And, um,
Guest:And so we go, anyway, so we go down there and I ended up bringing Laura Craft.
Guest:Do you know Laura?
Guest:I do.
Guest:So she comes with me and Carl Arnheider came out with me and my friend Clark Caldwell.
Guest:So it's like people wanted to go and...
Guest:And be on the show?
Guest:Well, I wasn't sure because at first I was like, no, I got myself into this mess.
Guest:You can watch it happen.
Guest:They let you bring people?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:We had to clear them in advance and everything.
Guest:But then I was like, no, you guys should perform on the show.
Guest:I wanted them to perform, but I didn't want to like...
Marc:i kind of wanted to be like i wanted to take the bullet fully so you get there you got to go through security i've done shows at prisons okay so you know they take uh i did a woman's prison years ago um they take you check all your shit yeah you can't bring anything and they like you feel the gates behind you close yeah and you go into a room and there's what 250 black guys there's like i'm being like 300 mostly black dudes
Guest:Yeah, mostly black, like full range, but mostly black.
Guest:And you go up to start the show.
Guest:And I go up there and, well, this is what I did.
Guest:Going back to guitar, I brought my guitar and a little amp and I hooked it up through the PA.
Guest:And I, uh, cause I, I figured I wanted to do something to, I wanted them to respect me right away before I said a word.
Guest:So I came out.
Guest:And you shanked somebody.
Guest:Guns blazing.
Guest:Well, I, that was like, yeah, that was like one of the jokes I told us just like about hearing, like, I'm like, I heard like you, you, you're a good thing to do in prison.
Guest:It's like, just beat the shit out of somebody as soon as you get there.
Guest:So everyone respects you.
Guest:Like,
Guest:I'm like, so as soon as I pulled in here today, I like punched my friend Carl in the face.
Guest:They got a big kick out of that.
Guest:Oh, they did.
Guest:They were like, you know, I just, they're very happier there.
Guest:But, uh, you know, it's not the greatest joke, but it really, they were thrilled because they were like, they were like, this is the biggest pussy we've ever seen.
Guest:We've seen in 20 years.
Marc:But they're also grateful that you made the effort to come entertain them.
Marc:These are people that have been thrown away and locked up.
Guest:I think they were, but I found this out after the show.
Guest:My friend Carl was in the back, and a guard came over to him.
Guest:Because on the way in, they had warned us.
Guest:They were like, look, if anything happens, the superintendent, now they call the warden the superintendent.
Guest:So they're like, he told me to tell you that we're not helping you out.
Guest:We're not bailing you out.
Guest:you're on your own, whatever happens.
Guest:And I'm like, whatever happens, like if I get attacked, you're not, and they're like, yeah, but you're not, don't worry, you're not gonna get attacked.
Marc:You mean crowd control.
Guest:Yeah, they're like, we're not calming them down, we're not, you know, if they heckle you, like basically they're like, this is your.
Marc:It's like the antithesis of a good comedy club.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Like, look, if they come at you, if they start heckling you, you got to do it on your own.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:We don't stop the crowd.
Marc:We're trying to sell drinks here.
Marc:Yeah, exactly.
Marc:What they were saying is basically, we're not going to get involved because we don't want it to become something that it doesn't have to.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:So I was like, oh, okay.
Guest:And then apparently before the show, a guard comes over to Carl and is like, hey, just to give you the heads up, these guys can be really harsh.
Guest:Huh?
Guest:I'm clear.
Guest:Historically, you know, they're very irritable people.
Guest:And so he's like, you know, because what I found out is they can't leave until the show is over.
Guest:So they end shows so they can leave.
Guest:And they had never had a comedy show there before, apparently, but they have plays and this and that.
Guest:And they'll just disrupt it to the point where... So they can go back to doing something else.
Guest:To working out.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:To doing push-ups.
Guest:Beating up on people, yeah.
Guest:So he goes to Carl.
Guest:He's like, you know, he better come on like really strong because if they're not into it, he's going to know right away.
Guest:And so I came out and just started playing guitar solos, like heavy metal guitar solos, really loud.
Guest:And like kind of like it was like at an arena rock concert and I was sort of like baiting them to clap for me and stuff.
Guest:And Carl said the guard walked over to him and he's like, he's got them.
Guest:He's like, I know these guys, they like them.
Guest:And like he's got them already.
Guest:So I did that and then I told like my 15 minutes of prison jokes, most of which were all like...
Guest:based on like whether or not i would whether i'd be a prison bitch and they were you know they they loved it they loved it so and it was about like you know like you know just kind of hacky like you know i had my first cavity search today you know and like blah blah and there's a thing called a fifi which is an artificial pussy they make out of like uh you know you can make it out of garbage bag or a rubber glove rubber bands fairly elaborate yeah um that they put on men
Guest:No, they make it themselves.
Guest:It's like a thing you make to keep under your pillow or whatever.
Guest:And before the show, I was able to hang out with a few inmates and I asked them for lingo that I could use to kind of pepper my set with.
Guest:And I threw it in there and the inmates loved that.
Guest:And then I was like, can I ask you something?
Guest:Is there a thing called a Fifi?
Guest:Is that like a thing?
Guest:And they're like, what the fuck did you just say?
Guest:And I was like, oh, man.
Guest:And I was like, Fifi, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Guest:And they're like, yeah, but how the fuck do you know that?
Guest:And I was like, it's on the internet.
Guest:And the guy's like, you guys, get over here.
Guest:You're not going to believe what he just said.
Guest:And they're like, well, what?
Guest:And it's like, he said the Fifi, he's asked me about Fifi, and he says it's all on the internet.
Guest:And I was like, yeah.
Guest:And so they're like, yeah.
Guest:And I was like, well, if I talk about that, will these guys think it's funny?
Guest:And they're like, oh, my God, I love that.
Guest:so i talked about that you know i talked about that stuff a lot and and uh and i had like a real like sort of mel brooks like high anxiety kind of moment where where you know i thought because i think you know guys in prison for 20 30 years or forever you know what like what what's entertaining to them like in terms of what would they do to me that they would find entertaining like stabbing me or whatever so i
Guest:I was talking to these guys, and someone called me from behind, and I turned, and I'm like, oh, what?
Guest:And then I turned back, and two of the guys were standing there with pens out, and I was like, oh, my God, this is it.
Guest:And then they were like, hey, would you sign this?
Guest:And...
Guest:I truly had that like, oh my God, oh my God.
Guest:And then I felt like a jackass.
Guest:But anyway, so I'm out there telling these prison jokes and then Carl comes out and he had worked up a bit specifically for them about working out and stuff and they loved it.
Guest:laura came out and she's like you know looking beautiful in a red dress and everything and it was like and she was doing fine and uh but i think she had the feeling of like you know in the bugs bunny cartoons where one of the characters turns into like a turkey drumstick she had that times like 300 and she sort of bailed out like a mid-set yeah and i thought she was kidding like she kept like
Guest:calling me and i thought it was part of her thing and then off mic she's like i i want to get out of here right now i want to get i want to go home oh boy i know i can't go home but i'm getting off stage and i was like lower craft everybody and and this is the my favorite thing that happened in prison she goes they had to sign a guard to us to make sure no one did anything prison-y or to us and uh and so she's over there and like and i'm watching her
Guest:And she's like, clearly, she's not crying, but she's clearly very shaken up.
Guest:So the guard comes over to her and says like, hey, are you all right?
Guest:And she's like, yeah, I just got a little scared.
Guest:And the guard's like, you know why you got scared, don't you?
Guest:And she's expecting like some insight into the human psyche or something.
Guest:And she's like, why?
Guest:Why did I get scared?
Guest:And the guy's like, those guys are all murderers and rapists.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And he's like, I don't know why you came here today.
Guest:It's like, I would never let my daughter or my wife in here in a million years.
Guest:Like, what were you thinking?
Guest:And so anyway, Laura didn't think that was very funny, but I thought it was hilarious.
Guest:But you got out and you entertained the criminal element.
Guest:Yeah, and I came back on and I had a blast.
Guest:I mean, I got a standing ovation and we walked out through the cell blocks and they were all screaming, Dave, Dave, and clapping.
Guest:Holy shit.
Guest:And we got outside and they were all hanging out at the bars.
Guest:It was like the end of Shawshank Redemption or something.
Guest:Oh, that's a beautiful story.
Guest:And Laura was like, what?
Guest:Because I was just basking.
Guest:I was taking all this time.
Guest:These are my people.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And, um, and like the, one of the guards was like, like, uh, these guys really respect you.
Guest:Like if they say anything to you, like they just usually ignore people when they walk out of here.
Guest:Like you, you've made friends here today.
Guest:Thank God.
Guest:So I was really psyched.
Guest:But the weird thing.
Guest:Maybe someone will look you up on the internet after they get out.
Guest:I hope so.
Guest:But now this is the, this is the, this American life part of it that maybe, uh,
Guest:But this is where it got weird.
Guest:This is the twist.
Guest:I wasn't expecting.
Guest:Afterwards, I noticed in the coming days afterwards, I noticed my anxiety level had dropped significantly.
Guest:Not because I thought I was a badass all of a sudden.
Guest:Or like I'd done a good deed or something.
Guest:I think I just like my buildup of being so freaked out to do this and then having like a really great time.
Guest:I like busted a gasket or something.
Marc:No, it's called growth and overcoming fear.
Marc:Yeah, it's all the good things.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Well, yeah, because when you get into a prison, you realize that even though the guards are there, there's a frenetic electricity system.
Marc:Towards the dynamic in there, because there's all sorts of hierarchies, there's all sorts of weirdness, things go on in there that you can never fucking imagine, and you're in it, and you're visiting it, but there's no way to even explain that weird electric, almost...
Marc:There's a, not a brutality to it, but I literally felt like there was a chaos.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:That you were just, you were only one twist away, one beat away from something chaotic and violent happening.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:In prison.
Marc:And you can feel it hanging there.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:And it's, you know, I've since like read about, there was a book a guard wrote about Sing Sing and stuff, but like they're not, I mean, and I'm guessing most prisons are not set up, like the numbers of it and the guards don't have guns.
Guest:Like if shit went down, like shit is going to go down.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And, I mean, there's just no way, like, that if they really wanted to do something that would really bum you out, they could do it.
Marc:The only thing that's between that happening and not happening is the fact that they will never get out.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:and and you know if that breaks down yeah or powerful personalities prevail yeah yeah you've got a real shit storm on your hands but uh it was uh the cool oh i have the flyer i end up framing the flyer because they gave it to me and uh and it just looks like a flyer for for you know a comedy show and uh but then you know but it says comedy night it's sing sing
Guest:And then there's this special section that says, like, must have one year clean disciplinary to attend and, like, see this guy to, like, get clearance.
Guest:So it was pretty awesome.
Marc:That's a great memento and a great story.
Marc:I actually have more respect for you now.
Marc:Thank you.
Marc:Okay, so...
Marc:In retrospect, after doing The Prison and thinking back on it, I mean, you're a guy that is a fairly... You're insulated in the sense that you do primarily alternative comedy rooms, like UCB and whatnot.
Marc:So in looking back on it, the choices you made, I mean...
Marc:In your show, did you do like a UCB set?
Marc:Did you have other elements?
Marc:You did the guitar, you said, but did you show videos and stuff?
Marc:I did.
Guest:Well, I want to talk about the videos, but very quickly I'll preface it by saying, despite it being as far from UCB or whatever as it could be,
Guest:I did the initial 15 minutes or so set that was just all about prison, and then I did all stuff that I would do at UCB or whatever, and these guys were fully on board.
Guest:It wasn't like they were... I think if I had started doing just what I would do at UCB or anywhere... No, you did the professional thing.
Marc:You said, how am I going to make this work?
Marc:Because you know you have enough confidence in your comedy style to know that it works, but you knew you had to...
Guest:somehow link in with them yeah yeah so that worked was there stuff that you did didn't do that you would have done yes i i uh i brought some videos to show and i i thought i thought perfect i already have the the best possible video i could show to these guys i can't this is working out great i had bought
Guest:On a drunken walk home, I went into Kim's video one night and bought this video called Bear Behind Bars.
Guest:It's a Brazilian women's prison movie.
Guest:And I bought it thinking that I could make a comedy video with it, inserting myself into it somehow.
Guest:But I also was like, this is my excuse to buy a women's prison movie.
Guest:And that's why I'll tell people I have it.
Guest:And, uh, so, uh, and I guess that goes back to the guilt thing from before.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And, uh, so, so the video is, is I had edited my, there's a scene out in the yard in the prison and the girls get into a fight and someone gets shanked and...
Guest:The guards run out and they hose down all the women.
Guest:And of course they're, you know, these women in this prison are only wearing like this, just this dress with no underwear.
Guest:It's splashing open.
Guest:They're just in, they can't for the life of them get out of the way of the hose.
Guest:You know, it just keeps hitting them.
Guest:So I added myself in as one of the guards running out and hosing down these women.
Guest:And it's just a quick gag that generally gets a laugh.
Guest:And so I was like, well, these guys are really going to love it.
Guest:And so my friend Clark called while was running like the tech stuff at the show and he was testing out the videos.
Guest:And this video comes on.
Guest:But, you know, before the inmates were let in, it was just administrators.
Guest:And this woman who works at the prison comes over and she's like, what the fuck is that?
Guest:Like, you're not going to show that here, are you?
Guest:And like, I knew the answer was like, oh, no, no, no.
Guest:I was just like, no, no, that video just happened to be on the same DVD.
Guest:I don't even know why he...
Guest:He was just testing out the DVD player and that just came on.
Guest:But no, no, like I'm not crazy.
Guest:I would never show that.
Guest:And then she's like, yeah, because, you know, you can't show like half naked women to these guys.
Guest:Like they do not see women ever.
Guest:And like she's like, I'll give it to you.
Guest:That's a funny video.
Guest:And they would think that's very funny.
Guest:But she's like the aftermath would just be horrible.
Guest:Like they will create this energy that we are going to have to deal with that we just do not need.
Marc:so that's interesting so um laura did experience it yeah yeah that was legitimate that her fear was tangible it wasn't like her making something up that it's part of that electricity that i talked no i mean you know she when she granted they were like you know heckling a little bit but they didn't do anything that you would that would not happen but as i said before right but the
Marc:The electricity in the air of like the possibility for things to break apart, for immorality and violence to reign is there.
Marc:That's why they're there.
Marc:Yeah, yeah.
Marc:So, you know, that's teeming underneath it.
Marc:Was there any other videos that you realized at the last minute that...
Guest:Well, yeah, because so after after that with that video, she was like, she's like, you know, is there anything else I should know about this show that you have any tricks up your sleeve?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And I was like, and then I got a little, you know, you know, I didn't want to get in trouble.
Guest:But but mostly I didn't want I'd want to be harmed physically.
Guest:By anyone.
Guest:And so I was like, you know, maybe we should just go over the show and I'll let you know what I planned.
Guest:And I pretty much did like a fast forward version of the hour and a half.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And but among them, I had this other video, which...
Guest:I realized in describing it to her, I actually pulled it from the show myself.
Guest:Why?
Guest:It's a video I made with, do you know Meredith Scardino?
Guest:She writes for Colbert Report.
Guest:But we made this video.
Guest:It's on my website.
Guest:But it's an ad and it's like a spoof ad for Tide.
Guest:And the gag of it is she discovers me...
Guest:lying on the kitchen floor like bleeding all over from my from my crotch and there's just blood everywhere and again like you know like the prison video like at UCB this video gets a big laugh but then I'm then I'm thinking about I'm like wait a majority or many you know
Guest:At least a third, say, of the guys in there are in there for murder and stuff.
Guest:Certainly many of these guys here have seen people on the ground in a pool of blood.
Marc:And it might have the same response as women.
Marc:If they saw women, they'd get all excited.
Marc:If they saw blood, they might.
Marc:I don't know.
Guest:It would elicit something different.
Guest:Other than funny.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:yeah so i but and she was like yeah i don't know about maybe we shouldn't show that one because the the new warden was coming to the show and she was like yeah i don't and she's like yeah i better pull that one i was like yeah i think that one should go that's unbelievable um oh
Guest:Well, no, that one we pulled, yeah.
Guest:And then there was another one, Select Dental ad, which is, I guess, not that any of my videos are super well-known, but it's one of the more well-known ones.
Guest:Do you remember the Select Dental commercial?
Marc:I saw that one.
Guest:Yeah, yeah, I got raped.
Guest:I was raped.
Guest:And that one, she was like, I described it to her, and she was like, in describing it, I didn't think she thought it was particularly funny.
Guest:But she was like, yeah, like, it sounds fine, but yeah, not for the warden.
Guest:Like, that one she was going to let slide.
Guest:So the warden was like the executive in this situation.
Marc:He was the, yeah, yeah, he was the, yeah.
Marc:Well, that's fascinating.
Marc:So outside of...
Marc:You know, helping you deal with your anxiety issues and forcing you to grow up.
Marc:What were some of the other things that resonated, you know, in the weeks after that about people or about how you approach things?
Guest:I think it made, I sort of, I realized that I was aware of the things that weren't happening, like the things that weren't going on in my brain, things that I didn't realize were happening before.
Guest:Like, just walking around, I realized that like... You're free?
Guest:i was free i felt free with my body um no like i noticed like i was not getting like worked up about shit as much and i would stop like uh and i realized i probably just sound like a jackass saying this stuff but but like stuff like just little things like on the subway like a guy is listening to his music too loud and i think it's horrible music
Guest:uh i wouldn't go that leap of figuring out all the other ways this guy's a fucking asshole and like putting his whole backstory together because you know like i don't know if you do this but like if i get worked up about one little thing and that's the only bit of information i have why not build a life yeah and and think of a monster yeah build a monster in your head
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Instead, I found myself going like, oh, yeah, I wish he didn't have his headphones up so loud.
Guest:And I'd just be done with it.
Marc:So you think that prison, having that experience and seeing the conditions in there are transcending some of your own fears.
Marc:Maybe you've earned a little less in acceptance and tolerance.
Marc:Yeah, yeah.
Marc:And gratitude.
Yeah.
Guest:Yeah, inadvertently.
Guest:I didn't anticipate it.
Guest:Because I tell people, you know, after I've done it, I'd be like, oh man, it was awesome.
Guest:I'm so glad I did it.
Guest:And everyone's immediate reaction is like, oh, you feel like you've done a good deed.
Guest:and like i don't know maybe i did but that certainly wasn't my thing going in or coming out of it so much deeper than that yeah and it wasn't like oh i think i'm a badass or anything but to be fair yeah um uh no it wasn't that either but but like i i don't know this is weird uh yeah i mean i think you described what happened better than i did yeah take that ira glass thanks for talking to me dave thanks for having me
Marc:I think we did it.
Marc:Suck on that, Ira Glass.
Marc:I think we did it.
Marc:That's my show.
Marc:Again, I apologize for my voice.
Marc:I'm glad you all took part.
Marc:Remember, you can go to WTFPod, get a link to justcoffee.coop.
Marc:I'm not doing the POW today because I'm sick.
Marc:So I'm going to do the tea thing.
Marc:And I don't know that they have tea.
Marc:Maybe they do.
Marc:Check it out.
Marc:You can also join us on Twitter.
Marc:You can send us a little money.
Marc:You can look at some pictures.
Marc:You can look at some videos.
Marc:Be a what the fucker.
Marc:Thinking about making some what the fucker t-shirts.
Marc:I'm going t-shirt crazy.
Marc:Also, as always, go to punchlinemagazine.com for all your up-to-date comedy information and news.
Marc:Thank you so much.
Marc:I will feel better.
Marc:Because I know some of you are thinking, Mark, feel better.
Marc:I will feel better.
Marc:Thanks for listening.
you