Episode 59 - Robert Hawkins / Ryan Singer
Guest:Lock the gates!
Guest:Are we doing this?
Guest:Really?
Guest:Wait for it.
Guest:Are we doing this?
Guest:Wait for it.
Guest:Pow!
Guest:What the fuck?
Guest:And it's also, eh, what the fuck?
Guest:What's wrong with me?
Guest:It's time for WTF?
Guest:What the fuck?
Guest:With Mark Maron.
Marc:All right, let's do this.
Marc:How are you?
Marc:What the fuckers?
Marc:What the fuck buddies?
Marc:What the fucking ears?
Marc:What the fucking niece does?
Marc:You know, I still get requests for what I should call you and and I'll try to throw them in occasionally.
Marc:I can't keep on top of everything, but I appreciate all the emails.
Marc:Very exciting emails.
Marc:Some people disagreeing with my last rant on the last show about this or that.
Marc:Some people, again, just telling me how much they like the show, how much it helps them.
Marc:And then, you know, people with advice and information and what the fuck stories.
Marc:I love it.
Marc:I love it coming in.
Marc:Does that make sense what I just said?
Marc:I hope it does.
Marc:I'm still on the road, folks.
Marc:The last time I talked to you, I was in D.C., I believe.
Marc:Was I not?
Marc:Well, now I'm in Bloomington, Indiana.
Marc:I haven't been home yet.
Marc:It's getting a little ugly out here.
Marc:I'm a little lost.
Marc:I'm starting to drift away.
Marc:My air hose is starting to detach, and I'm drifting into road space.
Marc:I'm in Bloomington.
Marc:I flew into Indianapolis.
Marc:I did Bob and Tom.
Marc:This is like the classic road.
Marc:I don't do a lot of road because I've been relatively ostracized by the comedy club community over the last few years for whatever reason.
Marc:But now I'm back in it, and this is really how it goes.
Marc:This was a fairly classic unfolding of a week on the road.
Marc:I flew into Indianapolis a day early.
Marc:I went to a hotel.
Marc:I had a bad dinner at a bar and grill that was close to the hotel that I could walk to in a mall across the street alone.
Marc:I went back to the hotel.
Marc:I tried to feel good about my life.
Marc:Went to sleep as early as I could because I had to get up to do morning radio on Bob and Tom.
Marc:I took a car service to Bob and Tom, a local guy.
Marc:A guy named Tim drove me in his little limo.
Marc:Went over to Bob and Tom.
Marc:Got there.
Marc:Did not have the breakfast buffet at the hotel because although it was a Marriott Suite hotel...
Marc:For some reason, you had to pay for the breakfast buffet, which I found disconcerting and aggravating.
Marc:I actually had a moment where I'm like, does fucking Marriott know about this?
Marc:I mean, I've been to a lot of these sweet hotels.
Marc:I should get my free breakfast.
Marc:I should be able to make my own waffle, and that should come with the charge of the room.
Marc:This is how I know I've spent a lot of time on the road.
Marc:When I get to a Marriott sweet hotel or any sweet hotel, as I'm checking in, I try to scope out whether or not I can make my own waffle.
Marc:Is that exciting?
Marc:I mean, literally, when I check in, I'm like, I hope I have something, at least that, to look forward to in the morning.
Marc:I want to pour my own waffle batter into that machine, flip it over, and watch the light go beep, beep, beep, beep, turn it over and pull out a big old fat waffle.
Marc:It's the little things, folks.
Marc:But they had it, but they cost $10.
Marc:$10 for a breakfast buffet on a weekday.
Marc:And I can't, you know me and buffets, I can't do it.
Marc:I can't do it because there's some part of me that thinks, well, if there's still food up there, I've got to keep going.
Marc:And I can't do that.
Marc:But in the back of my head, I knew Bob and Tom, they usually have good food there.
Marc:They usually have cooked, hot, homemade food at Bob and Tom.
Marc:And I thought they got to still have that.
Marc:So I go to Bob and Tom, sure enough, they got meatloaf, they got bagel and egg and ham sandwiches.
Marc:And then later, when I'm done, so I shoveled all that in my mouth because there was a lot there and I wanted to help out.
Marc:And then after the show, someone during the show had delivered some sort of Spanish egg thing with a bunch of chorizo, shoved that into my face.
Marc:So now I'm exhausted.
Marc:I'm jacked up on coffee and a lot of nicotine.
Marc:And then the guy from the club in Bloomington, the opener, Ben Moore, funny kid, he picks me up.
Marc:We drive to Bloomington.
Marc:I get here to this cottage hotel situation and pass out to do the show that night.
Marc:Pow!
Marc:This isn't just coffee.coop, though you should be drinking that, and obviously they are still sponsoring the show.
Marc:But what I'm doing, because I'm on the road, and because I have no car, and because I got up early to talk to you people, is they have a coffee pot in the room, which is one of the Benny's.
Marc:That's another thing.
Marc:You get to a hotel.
Marc:You're like, do they have a fridge?
Marc:Can I go shopping?
Marc:Because Ben Moore picks me up in Indianapolis, drives me to Bloomington.
Marc:I go to a supermarket.
Marc:I buy a box of cereal.
Marc:I buy some soy milk.
Marc:I buy some grapefruits.
Marc:I buy some apples.
Marc:And I buy some water.
Marc:Because by this point, after I've been on the road for a week and a half or whatever, I'm like, I got to get healthy.
Marc:It's got to start here.
Marc:But this morning, got no ride.
Marc:There's no, I don't know if I can walk to a coffee place.
Marc:So they have a coffee pot in the room and they have the folder packets that you put in the filter packets.
Marc:So I put in like three of those and about enough water for one.
Marc:for one of them, and then I took some Swiss Miss, which I also have, and mixed that in to the really strong, horrible, pasty coffee I made to make what I'd like to call, from this point on, a hotel room road mocha.
Marc:That's what that is.
Marc:So here I am in Indiana.
Marc:Pow!
Marc:Oh, maybe not so much.
Marc:Maybe a little... Oh, God, I can get that down, I think.
Marc:So I will say this about Bloomington, Indiana.
Marc:Great town, a college town.
Marc:Got out a little bit yesterday.
Marc:And I want to tell you all who live in this area, even within a 300-mile radius, that this comedy club here, the Funny Bone, is going to be the comedy attic soon, run by this guy, Jared, is a great comedy club.
Marc:If you live in this part of the country...
Marc:And there is somebody here that you want to see.
Marc:It is worth driving to this club because this club is in a way a classic comedy club in terms of how I see it, from where I'm standing.
Marc:It is a small room.
Marc:It has low ceilings.
Marc:There's an intimacy to it that if there's 20 people or 50 people there, you're right there.
Marc:You're right in it with the comedian.
Marc:The sound is excellent, and it is a great place to see live comedy.
Marc:There's no distance between you and the performer.
Marc:There's no distance between me, the performer, and the audience.
Marc:And for me, that's a great situation.
Marc:So what I'm telling you, if you live within a 300-mile radius of Bloomington, Indiana, I would stay on top of who's at this club because if comics that you like are coming through this club, it is worth the drive.
Marc:It's probably worth the drive to see a couple of shows.
Marc:It's reasonably priced.
Marc:And although this may seem like a liability, as a comic, it's a great situation because they don't have their liquor license quite yet, so they've got some –
Marc:I don't know if it's near beer or hard cider or what, but limited options in terms of alcohol.
Marc:Obviously, you can get tanked before you go to the show.
Marc:But the great thing about being at a show where the objective of the audience, at least at this point in time, until he gets a full liquor situation, is not to get shit face drunk for the show, is that you really have to do your job as a comic and you're not dealing with a bunch of drunk idiots.
Marc:So so basically you because they're not pre lubed with alcohol, you sort of got to coax them out of their daily mindset into really paying attention and laughing.
Marc:And I thought I thought it was great.
Marc:I'm having great shows and I love the room.
Marc:So given that the shows have been very interesting.
Marc:That this is like, and as I said, I'm very excited to be on the road because I don't do it as much as I should.
Marc:And being out here, I really remember what it's like.
Marc:You know, Thursday night was great.
Marc:Had a lot of what the fuckers out there.
Marc:A lot of people came.
Marc:A lot of listeners to the show.
Marc:Had a couple T-shirts in the room.
Marc:Signed some CDs.
Marc:Gave out some stickers.
Marc:Pressed a plush with the good people of Indianapolis and people who traveled hours to come see me.
Marc:I certainly appreciate it.
Marc:Great show.
Marc:Friday night.
Marc:First show.
Marc:Last night.
Marc:Not a full house, little tight, working people.
Marc:Some people didn't know me, maybe a couple of what the fuckers in the room, little conservative, had to sort of pry them open and do the magic.
Marc:And it was great.
Marc:Even the challenge of getting through to them, of trying to deliver the funny goods in the way that I do it into the minds of these people that were clearly just coming out of work or whatever was a great experience.
Marc:Friday night's second show last night got weird.
Marc:And I don't know if you know me well, but I think a lot of you do who are listening to this.
Marc:I like when it gets weird.
Marc:I like when something happens that I don't know is going to happen and things just border on the edge of chaos and we got to reel it back in.
Marc:This is what happens.
Marc:I'm on stage.
Marc:We're doing the show.
Marc:It's a good crowd.
Marc:And they're a little tight at first, but there's this group of people, some what the fuckers sitting stage left, about three or four of them.
Marc:One woman and this guy are just laughing their asses off to the point where the room is so intimate.
Marc:I can't tell if I'm even doing well with the rest of the room.
Marc:They're laughing so much.
Marc:It's a difficult situation where you're on stage and someone is laughing so much that it's actually distracting you from from doing the show.
Marc:I'm glad they were having a good time.
Marc:But there were moments where I'm like, I can't tell if I'm doing well with everybody else.
Marc:You don't want to tell someone to tone down their laughter.
Marc:So fuck it.
Marc:So I just started to just ride the chaos.
Marc:And they were sitting with a woman.
Marc:Who didn't look happy as she she was not didn't look like she was having a good time.
Marc:And then I said something that didn't that came out in her head.
Marc:I said something about Indiana, about being here and about how, you know, Indiana, you know, this is great.
Marc:The state's economy is based on pigs and corn.
Marc:You should put that on the license plate.
Marc:You know, we supply the nation's fat.
Marc:It's funny, you know, and then this girl says something along the lines of like, you know, why'd you say that about Indiana?
Marc:Why don't you like Indiana?
Marc:And then I started talking to her and I said, you know, you can leave.
Marc:I mean, I like Indiana.
Marc:It's great.
Marc:But, you know, you don't have to stay here if you if you don't want to.
Marc:And she's like, you know, I like it here.
Marc:Why list three things that you don't like about it?
Marc:And then it just got weird.
Marc:But I could I could get a sense, you know, that that just beneath the surface there, there was something teeming in this girl.
Marc:And I'm not sure what it was, but there was a slight there was a drunkenness to her.
Marc:But in her eyes was some sort of angry pain.
Marc:And we're going at it.
Marc:And we're, you know, we're just sort of and then she starts chiming in a little too much.
Marc:And it's a little distracting.
Marc:And she's sitting with these people that are laughing a lot.
Marc:And the other audience members are laughing.
Marc:And then she interrupts me again.
Marc:And I say, look, you know, I'm sorry that he hurt you.
Marc:And it got a little tense because people in an audience, you know, they know I'm driving the show.
Marc:And when it gets a little weird, they hope that I can continue driving the show.
Marc:And I suck them into an emotional place that they might not have been prepared to go to.
Marc:And so I say that to her.
Marc:I'm sorry that he hurts you.
Marc:And she looks at me with nothing but daggers coming out of her eyes and goes, well, I'm sorry that she hurt you.
Marc:And then I said, you know, I said, marry me, of course, because that was the natural response next.
Marc:And then I sort of did an improv about what that would look like, that, you know, she eventually would be screaming, you're not my father.
Marc:You're not my father.
Marc:Fuck you.
Marc:You're not him.
Marc:And then just saying, you're just like my father.
Marc:And I'm like, well, what is it?
Marc:I don't understand.
Marc:And then I told her, I said, well, you know, we could have a relationship where we just fight and fuck.
Marc:And well, it just got weird.
Marc:And then what happens is I'm not sure how it transpired, but I'm doing more show and everybody's having a good time.
Marc:There's a slight feeling of chaos in the room.
Marc:And then she starts talking to the woman who's laughing a lot, distracting the woman that's having a great time.
Marc:And I said, you know, stop.
Marc:You got to stop talking to her.
Marc:I mean, we can talk, but you can't talk during my bits.
Marc:And then the woman behind the woman who's talking leans in and goes, you really got to stop.
Marc:And then this girl was like, what?
Marc:Stop.
Marc:What?
Marc:What?
Marc:Am I am I talking too much?
Marc:And then she starts crying, stands up crying and goes, I'm so embarrassed.
Marc:And walks out.
Marc:So now I got a room full of people going, what the fuck?
Marc:And I'm like, oh my God, what happened?
Marc:Because it was already difficult between us, me and that woman.
Marc:We were having a bad first date.
Marc:Our relationship was not off to a good start.
Marc:So she walks out crying.
Marc:And now I'm up there having to manage the situation.
Marc:And it's just out of control in a way because we're hanging there in this weird emotional moment.
Marc:And then the woman she's sitting next to, the one who's really enjoying the show, says...
Marc:She followed us here.
Marc:So she's not even with this group that I assumed that she's with.
Marc:So now not only is she crying, but she followed this group of people to the club.
Marc:So now it's a really sad situation.
Marc:And the audience is just like it's full.
Marc:It's just teeming with an electricity of an emotionally charged event that it's not what you would expect from a comedy club experience.
Marc:I don't know what happened to her.
Marc:But one of the guys in the room said, when she walked out crying, he said, there's your opening, man.
Marc:And I'm like, all right, keep her here.
Marc:Just keep her here.
Marc:Maybe we do have a future together.
Marc:It was compelling.
Marc:It was exciting.
Marc:And the show got even more interesting.
Marc:She didn't come back.
Marc:Ben Moore, the opener, dealt with it.
Marc:And the guy that's featuring for me, Ryan Singer, a very funny guy, very interesting act.
Marc:After the show, we were all just like – it was as if we'd been on some sort of roller coaster, me and the three comics.
Marc:It was just one of those things where we had to sort of like –
Marc:decompressed from.
Marc:We were all juiced up with all the manic energy that comes from something that extended.
Marc:That isn't really crowd work, but is some sort of emotionally cathartic moment for an entire room for people where you don't know if you're going to be able to drive through it.
Marc:You don't know whether you're not going to be able to manage it or whether the whole show is going to go into the toilet.
Marc:But it was clearly something that was much deeper and much weirder than just comedy.
Marc:And it all worked out okay.
Marc:It worked out great.
Marc:And to be quite honest with you folks.
Marc:I love that kind of show because when I'm on stage and I don't know what the fuck's going to happen, literally not even about whether or not I'm going to get laughs, but whether or not the emotional content of the show is even manageable is just spectacular because what happens is whether or not it can be repeated or whether or not people thought it was hilarious.
Marc:is that they leave that club, they leave that event, having had a real experience, having been kind of thrown into an emotionally chaotic situation that did have closure, that did have some relief, that did have some humor, and it was definitely something that would never happen again.
Marc:And that's what's spectacular about live comedy for me and what's spectacular about being on the road.
Marc:And again, the funny bone,
Marc:here in bloomington that will be the comedy attic soon is is definitely worth the trip because it's a great place to see live comedy and also go see these guys i'm working with this guy ryan singer is is quirky and funny and dark and doesn't give a fuck and ben moore is a a thoughtful uh joke writer and he's very funny as well i'm just i you know i guess i'm just happy to be out here so now i'm sitting here
Marc:Pow, maybe?
Guest:How about... Oh, God.
Guest:Oh, my God.
Guest:Ryan Singer, right?
Guest:Ryan Singer, yeah.
Guest:That's your name, right?
Guest:Yeah, that is.
Guest:Great work on him.
Guest:It's been a real good time.
Marc:Let me set the stage.
Marc:As I was just talking about before I'd done that coffee thing, I told you what happened last night.
Marc:And then Ryan, I texted him saying I needed to get coffee.
Marc:I needed help.
Marc:And he came out here to the cottage hotel and he brought me coffee.
Marc:So now I'm all fucked up.
Guest:I want to clear up the medium size question because you're like, how else can that read?
Marc:Well, no, I sent you a text that said medium black.
Marc:Medium black.
Marc:You wrote back to me, so medium?
Guest:Well, I didn't know because I know how hardcore you are about your coffee.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:So I didn't know if that was like some advanced level, like medium black.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:Is that what I have to ask for when I go in there?
Guest:So you thought, like, there's some special Starbucks code for high-level addicts.
Guest:Because I just got into coffee a couple years ago, and I'm in my 30s now.
Marc:What are you talking about?
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:How do you just get into coffee?
Marc:You mean you're just sort of like, it's time?
Marc:Well, I'm not even on to black coffee yet.
Marc:Oh.
Marc:Well, no, no one does that.
Marc:Wait a minute.
Guest:I'm just reading the side here.
Guest:Oh, no, don't.
Guest:Don't read that.
Guest:A venti soy caramel.
Guest:Soy caramel macchiato.
Guest:Get out.
Guest:Just get out of my room.
Guest:Well, I'm lactose intolerant, I think.
Guest:I self-diagnose myself.
Marc:Okay, well, that maybe explains the soy, but what about the caramel?
Guest:I don't know.
Guest:An ex-girlfriend of mine drank it, and I liked it.
Marc:Are you making her up?
Marc:Are you just saying that to cover for yourself?
Marc:You thought of that yourself.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Oh, my God.
Marc:It's not bad.
Marc:So I was telling my people here on the show about what happened last night, and I don't know.
Marc:You had great sets, by the way.
Marc:Very funny.
Marc:Oh, thanks.
Marc:Last night was Comedy Magic.
Yeah.
Marc:Well, when I talked to you last night before the show and I was busting your balls a little bit about how I wanted you to go up there and just fucking lose them.
Marc:And then you went up there.
Marc:I think you talked about what movie was it?
Marc:The NeverEnding Story.
Marc:The NeverEnding Story for like 20 minutes.
Marc:And I'm like, he's doing it.
Marc:He doesn't give a fuck.
He doesn't.
Marc:You did a plot summary of the never ending story.
Marc:And I appreciate that because a lot of times as comedians, there's so many people who are doing comedy now.
Marc:They're just so concerned about doing their act that you don't like when I started.
Marc:You just never knew when somebody was going to lose their shit or whether the whole thing was going to come unhinged.
Marc:And it was always refreshing to see someone go up stage on stage and just, you know, not give a fuck and just have the audience go.
Marc:What's happening?
Marc:And you did that.
Marc:And I appreciate it.
Marc:So what happened from your point of view last night?
Guest:Well, from my point of view, standing in the back of the room watching this drunk girl slash woman, apparently she was older than we thought, but was very calmly interacting with you.
Guest:Right.
Guest:Just commentating or whatever the word is on everything you were saying.
Guest:and uh then it started but in a very personal way right and uh and you were being very just on the level with her and it was you weren't going after her with teeth gnashing and uh and then i remember at one point it was you kneeling down on stage because she was right up front for the people isn't like she was i don't know if you explained it but she like her feet were on the stage yeah yeah
Guest:And so you go to the corner of the stage where she is.
Guest:You kneel down and you look her in the eyes and you just softly say, I'm sorry what he did to you.
Guest:Right.
Guest:And that's when I, in my own brain, because, you know, as a comic, you just want to see the show spiral out of control.
Guest:That's what you want.
Guest:Yeah, yeah.
Guest:Because it's more entertaining.
Guest:And so then I couldn't hear what she said.
Marc:What she said was like, and she looks at me with like tears and hate in her eye almost.
Marc:But not crying, but I could see there was, like I tapped into something primal that was wrong.
Marc:And she goes, I'm sorry what she did to you.
Yeah.
Guest:And then when you repeated that and the whole crowd could hear, I mean, it just erupted.
Guest:It was almost like we were watching a very comedic version of The Notebook.
Oh, no.
Marc:But that's when I said I think I cried a little.
Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest:And I did, I think.
Guest:And you could tell that you were being serious when you said that.
Marc:Which is hilarious, of course.
Marc:That's when the audience is like, what's happening?
Marc:People are squirming a little bit.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Oh, my God.
Guest:But nobody was leaving their seat during this whole nobody until she left her seat.
Crying.
Guest:When she first stood up from where I was standing, my vantage point, it looked like she was going to sneeze.
Marc:She was like, I'm so embarrassed.
Marc:She all of a sudden woke up from the drunken, angry haze she was in to realize that she was a center of attention.
Guest:We got to see someone immediately.
Guest:We got to, I think, witness.
Guest:I've been thinking about this all night.
Guest:I couldn't sleep because it was so marvelous.
Guest:I have diagrams drawn.
Guest:You should have brought the charts.
Guest:I think she, we witnessed someone step immediately out of the blackout lounge.
Guest:Like she just left the blackout lounge.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Like there was this big party going on in the blackout lounge.
Guest:And she came out and she's like, what?
Guest:I was, oh my God, I'm in a comedy club.
Guest:Who are these people?
Guest:Who are these people?
Guest:Why are they looking at me?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And then it took such a narrative turn.
Guest:Oh, my God.
Guest:She just got real.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And I'm in the back going, thank you, God.
Guest:This is the perfect show.
Marc:And then at some point I said, this is all happening in Ryan's head because your jokes are sort of abstract like that.
Marc:I'm like, this isn't really happening here.
Marc:Oh, boy.
Marc:But the funny thing about that whole event was, like, you know, afterwards, we were all, like, in the back room going, oh, man, like, decompressing.
Marc:Yeah, yeah.
Marc:Like, we didn't even want to go out.
Marc:Like, we sat in the green room just all manic and weird until Jared, the owner, is like, I'm going to close up.
Marc:Like, oh, what happens now?
Marc:We can't break up the team.
Yeah.
Marc:And then I don't know where you went, but I ended up at a Waffle House eating like this pie that I don't even know what it was.
Marc:Some kind of seven layer pie was like a pecan butterscotch mess covered in.
Guest:I picked up a 12 pack of Mountain Dew.
Guest:No, you didn't.
Guest:And watch the fantastic Mr. Fox movie.
Guest:You did?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:How was that movie?
Guest:I didn't know anything about it going into it.
Guest:It was awesome.
Guest:I guess it's like PG rated.
Guest:I mean, it was quirky and weird.
Marc:Well, that's Wes Anderson.
Marc:He's a smart guy.
Marc:I just have a hard time crossing over into animated anything.
Marc:It takes a lot of coaxing.
Marc:So you spend a lot of time on the road?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:My goal is at least three weeks a month.
Guest:That's my goal that I shoot for, to be traveling.
Guest:So now, how often does whatever happened last night happen?
Marc:Oh, man.
Marc:That never happens.
Marc:That's why it was so magical.
Marc:Oh, God.
Marc:And we didn't get it on tape.
Marc:You almost taped it.
Marc:I know.
Marc:You're like, we should get this on tape.
Marc:And you're like, I have my camera.
Guest:So I bring my camera this weekend.
Guest:nothing i haven't i forgot i even brought it and like i'm sitting in the room while this is happening i'm like oh man i should be we should be taping this like this needs to be i have my camera i'm not fucking leaving right now to go get my camera i'm gonna miss something and then uh this was one of those comedy magic moments it'll be in the ether it's out it's done so do you know uh have you worked with robert hawkins
Guest:Yes, worked with Robert Hawkins.
Marc:He's like one of the best road guys out there.
Marc:I've talked to guys who work the road.
Guest:They're like, you've got to get Hawkins on.
Marc:Yeah, he's one of my favorite comics.
Marc:Well, he's going to be on right now.
Marc:Nice talking to you, Ryan Singer.
Marc:Yeah, thanks, Mark.
Marc:Here's what happened.
Marc:So I'm at an airport and I'm tweeting.
Marc:And somehow or another, I tweet that I ran into Richard Lewis at the airport.
Marc:And then Bert Kreischer tweets, I just saw Richard Lewis at the airport.
Marc:Marin, are you here?
Marc:And I tweet back, yeah, I'm over here.
Marc:And it goes back and forth.
Marc:And Kreischer comes up to me and he starts talking about how much he loves the podcast and how much he loved the Attell interview.
Marc:And then he says to me, he says, you know, you ought to get it.
Marc:I mean, I'm out there on the road a lot, and there's a lot of young guys out there who are really into comedy.
Marc:And one of the guys that everyone talks about and would be fucking curious to hear what's going on in that guy's head is Robert Hawkins.
Guest:Bert Kreischer said that.
Marc:Yeah, that's coming right from Bert Kreischer, who I have not had on the show.
Guest:Then there was a flurry of tweets.
Guest:Yes, no, yes, yes.
Guest:No, he came up to me and said that.
Guest:That was not done in public.
Guest:With Richard Lewis sitting there by himself.
Marc:Richard Lewis, I ran into...
Marc:And I literally went up to him.
Marc:I didn't know if I was going to go up to him.
Marc:I said, hey, Richard, it's Marc Maron, comedian.
Marc:He's like, I'm talking to this guy right here.
Marc:He's from New Jersey.
Marc:My pass is coming back.
Marc:Five minutes on New Jersey.
Marc:He goes, I have no time to talk to him.
Guest:Five minutes on New Jersey.
Guest:But he goes right in the mode.
Guest:I have a Richard Lewis airport store.
Guest:You do?
Guest:Yeah, we're delayed.
Guest:He's in first class.
Guest:We get on the plane.
Guest:We get off the plane.
Guest:It's one of those long hours of, gee, are we going to get out of here?
Guest:And I see him the whole time kind of minding his own business.
Guest:Finally, when we get on the next plane, he's hit some first class.
Guest:I board.
Guest:I walk by and I go, I blame you, Lewis.
Guest:And he owned it.
Guest:He did?
Guest:He's like, yeah, I know.
Guest:It's my fault.
Marc:Now, do you know him?
Marc:No, just in that way.
Marc:Yeah, that's me, too.
Marc:But after I walked away from him, he didn't really dismiss me, but there was really a moment where I'm talking to Richard Lewis, and I'm like, I'm not sure I want to be involved in this.
Marc:Because it was coming at me.
Marc:It was 100 miles an hour.
Marc:There was no real back and forth.
Marc:He was touching me.
Marc:As much as I love the guy...
Marc:You know, I was sort of like, okay, I think we're good.
Marc:You know, I don't know what I was expecting, but I don't know if he even really knew me or it resonated that I was, yeah, I knew he knew.
Marc:I said I was a comic, but I got no sense.
Guest:Well, he probably gets it all day these days.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I'm a comic.
Guest:I'm a comic.
Guest:I'm a comic.
Marc:Now, do you find that?
Guest:I find you shouldn't meet your heroes, which is why it was okay to meet Richard Lewis.
Marc:Right.
Marc:Oh, no.
Guest:Hey, how you doing?
Guest:What makes you tick, man?
Marc:Next thing I'm going to get an email from Richard Lewis.
Marc:You know, I do know who you are.
Marc:I heard Robert Hawkins, who I also know.
Marc:I think he's funny.
Marc:My thing about Richard Lewis is that when you see him now, there's part of me that thinks, like, you haven't solved any of this shit yet.
Marc:I know, right?
Marc:Nothing's gotten better?
Marc:Nothing.
Marc:Nothing.
Marc:No, but I find that, too, that when we were starting, there was some sort of system in place where you had an open mic, and people would say, I'm an open mic-er.
Marc:I'm just starting to do comedy.
Marc:I'm an open mic-er.
Marc:Now that doesn't really exist anymore, and comics just produce their own show for other comics, and they're comics.
Marc:Everybody, I'm a comic.
Guest:Right.
Guest:And I have a CD.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Right.
Guest:I haven't opened this club yet, but I have a CD and a DVD outside.
Marc:That's right.
Marc:And these are the first two sets I ever did.
Marc:The CD is my first set.
Guest:Yes, you'll want that.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:And the second set I did is on the DVD.
Marc:So this is really fresh stuff.
Marc:It's completely unworked out.
Guest:It's both cute and tragic.
Nice.
Marc:I find it annoying because I find it somewhat insulting because there's part of you that wants to say, you're not a comic.
Guest:You don't know what a comic is.
Guest:I couldn't live with myself with the hindsight of knowing that I put on my resume has opened for Paula Poundstone.
Guest:And I was finally, when you first start out, you fumpfer.
Guest:Yeah, yeah.
Guest:Is that what it's called?
Guest:Yeah, who's your agent?
Guest:Craig Sleest.
Guest:He's French.
Guest:Sleest.
Guest:Craig Sleest.
Guest:No, you know, what's your resume?
Guest:Well, what is my resume?
Guest:I opened for Paula Poundstone last week, and that's it.
Guest:And you put it on your resume, and you fomfer it up, and someone gave me crap about it, and I was like, God, I am an idiot.
Guest:That's just, who cares?
Marc:Or how about those people that says, has appeared with?
Marc:And that just means you could have been at the beginning of a night of 20 comics.
Marc:Right.
Marc:But you appeared with them on a show that had nothing to do with you, or even them, possibly.
Guest:And it's okay.
Guest:If you're new, you're allowed to make mistakes.
Guest:That's fine.
Guest:Don't sell your 10-minute act as a DVD with a five-camera shoot on a guest set.
Marc:But the thing is, if they fucking sell it, then they're fine with it.
Marc:They're like, why?
Marc:I sold it.
Marc:I just think it's a different world now.
Marc:And I haven't seen you in a long time.
Marc:We did the San Francisco comedy competition.
Marc:Way back.
Marc:Like in 93, probably.
Yeah.
Marc:And then like you were always great.
Marc:You always had a unique style, you know, great storyteller, great joke writer, great pace, a great presentation.
Marc:But you're a guy that I know is here.
Marc:But then all of a sudden it's like he's on the road.
Marc:You spend more time on the road than most guys I know.
Marc:You're like one of the only guys I know that is has maintained his originality yet continues to fucking go out there.
Marc:You're like a real working comic.
Marc:Now, I guess the direction I wanted to take it, just because I have a lot of comics listening to this, is that how many weeks are you out there?
Guest:Last week was a big one.
Guest:It was at least a record-tying year of about 39 out and backs.
Guest:Straight weeks in a row.
Guest:Well, when you say a week, it's not Monday through Sunday.
Guest:No, I know.
Guest:But a long, long time last year.
Guest:I was home in my own bed for less than two months.
Marc:And now when you do that, like I think a lot of comics don't realize that that's part of the job, number one, and that number two, you know, at some point, that is your job.
Marc:I don't think a lot of comics realize that anymore, that part of the job is doing comedy.
Marc:You know, week to week.
Marc:You know what I mean?
Marc:They come out here, they're like, I'm going to get on television and then I'll be all set.
Marc:That's got nothing to do with what he's doing.
Guest:And you've got to fill the time.
Marc:Yeah, that's right.
Marc:So when you go out, I mean, how does it work for you?
Marc:Because I can't, can you set me up with some, because I got nothing.
Guest:To me, the work is the suffering.
Guest:And I know it sounds stupid, you know.
Guest:to somebody who has a hot shower every day and a meal.
Guest:But there's a certain amount of suffering, either cramped up on a plane, cramped up in an airport, waiting, living in a condo with someone you don't really like, a bunch of different things.
Guest:Then you get on stage and you're rewarded for that hour.
Guest:You get to be the center of attention and be funny and try out your new jokes and everything like that.
Guest:But you're paid, really, to get to the gig.
Guest:Because anything can happen in between there.
Guest:God forbid all these things happen to you and you have diarrhea.
Yeah.
Guest:You know?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:You show up like, sorry, I'm late.
Guest:They pick you up in a three-wheeled car and they drag you to the venue.
Guest:It's like, go, go.
Guest:Then now there's a guy heckling.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:This happened to me in Calgary a couple weeks ago.
Guest:What?
Guest:Well, just a long travel day.
Guest:Delayed this, delayed that.
Guest:You get there and it's six degrees.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:You know?
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:You didn't bring the right clothes.
Guest:You finally are rewarded with your time on stage.
Guest:You step into the lights.
Guest:Belfast!
Guest:Some drunk Irish guy.
Guest:Belfast!
Guest:That's all he yelled the whole freaking time.
Guest:And then all of a sudden you've got to manage that.
Guest:You've got to babysit.
Guest:For an hour.
Guest:Oh, fuck.
Guest:Right.
Guest:So you might have been on TV.
Guest:Right.
Guest:But you didn't handle Belfast.
Guest:Yeah, Belfast for an hour.
Guest:That was his answer for everything.
Marc:Now, do you find that, like, I don't have a good sense of what's out there anymore because I'm just now starting to go out a lot more because I was, you know, in the subterranean world of radio and completely off the radar of most club owners who I hadn't alienated at some point.
Marc:Now, do you find that there is work out there still in the States?
Marc:I mean, there's enough work to fill a year for you?
Guest:There is, but it's not well paid.
Guest:Right.
Guest:Unless someone knows who you are.
Guest:I mean, that's common knowledge.
Guest:Right.
Guest:If you're not a draw, you're going to make just enough.
Guest:to get by right to live and that was okay for a very long time it was like okay they're paying me i can eat pay my rent do comedy chase women get drunk what's the problem yeah this is perfect right it gets old yeah i mean you're like my age or so right now i mean i've written and i've done other projects and i've you know spread out a little bit uh past being just a club comic right but only a little bit and i think that the reason for that is is that
Guest:I didn't set higher goals in the beginning.
Guest:Right.
Guest:The highest goal I could have thought of would be to be headlining, improvs, funny bones, the circuit as they call it.
Marc:That's the way I felt too.
Marc:Like I want to be a comic.
Marc:Right.
Marc:I want to be able to do an hour.
Marc:Right.
Marc:And then all of a sudden you're like, no, I just need to do another hour.
Guest:Right.
Guest:I felt less like a comedian and more like a bandit who would come into town, be charming enough to sneak that check out of your pocket, right?
Guest:And fool everybody into thinking I'm funny and getting the hell out of Dodge week after week.
Guest:That's what more like it felt like.
Guest:Now, there are other rewards.
Guest:There's rewards.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:The benefits.
Marc:You can get free soda.
Marc:Saving money.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Having health insurance.
Marc:Oh, you mean the things that you could have had.
Marc:Right.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:But you're undermining the fact that some clubs are next to malls that have deals with the movie theaters.
Marc:I am undermining.
Marc:And free flicks.
Marc:Yeah, you get free movies sometimes.
Marc:Occasionally when you do a morning radio show, they have a sponsor that's a food outlet that will actually bring food to the radio show.
Guest:Once in a while.
Guest:You'll get a vitamin water.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:you ever go to the morning radio where they're like all of a sudden there's like fucking like you know 50 breakfast burritos and they're like oh yeah every thursday breakfast burrito i'm usually better on those shows yeah yeah definitely i mean i got the coffee thank you very much mark yeah uh but what i say is is that for me it was all always an adventure yeah and it still is but uh i i neglected the hard work that's involved to take it to the next level admittedly
Marc:Do you think that's really hard work?
Marc:Do you think you're not being hard on yourself in that certain amount?
Marc:Because a guy like you, I know has paid his dues, has maintained his voice, has an original delivery and material, and yet it's not based on justice, this fucking thing.
Marc:I mean, if the business was based on talent, a lot more people that we know and we respect would be doing very well in show business.
Marc:But it's not a meritocracy.
Marc:It's some sort of fucking freak show run by 10 people who talk on the phone with each other all day long.
Marc:And if one of those people says, I don't know about Marin, you're fucked for three years.
Marc:I mean, am I misunderstanding how it works?
Marc:No.
Marc:I mean, that's how the world works.
Marc:Oh, shit.
Marc:The whole world's like that, Robert.
Guest:So stay with what you got, buddy.
Guest:Oh, fuck.
Guest:No, I'm saying that I don't feel bitter and I don't feel victimized.
Guest:Right.
Guest:And I'm not angry.
Guest:I'm just saying that the means to my end...
Guest:embraced laziness uh on a friday night when the owner says hey we're all going to a topless bar and we're going to get shit-faced you don't go hey i'd rather work on a screenplay back at the house because no you see you'll get it you'll get a screenplay and a deal and be a multi-millionaire joe apatow yeah i am good friends with the guy in south bend indiana yeah yeah right i'll be back there next week and i know ginger and ginger is there yeah and and she'll be there when i get back and and her three kids
Marc:Yeah, which is always nice.
Marc:You bring presents for them.
Marc:Who won't be there?
Guest:The father.
Guest:But Ginger and my open tab at the bar.
Marc:I like that I'm trying to figure out what year that might have been where they were still called Topless Bars as opposed to Strip Bars.
Guest:Sorry.
Guest:Well, it's morning, it's radio.
Guest:I think it's morning radio.
Guest:And it's not.
Marc:It's not.
Guest:But the one funny story I have about Judd Apatow, the reason I bring him up is because I opened, he middled Dallas Improv before I met you, early 90s.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And both in the condo together.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Now, I immediately go out and I slept with someone's girlfriend and I got drunk, which was... In that order?
Guest:What I thought... Did you get drunk first?
Guest:Sorry, the other way around.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:At a topless bar.
Guest:No.
No.
Guest:No.
Guest:I can tell you a one-sentence story about Dallas.
Guest:I asked this waitress, can I crash at your house tonight?
Guest:I don't have any place to stay.
Guest:She goes, yes, but please don't fuck my mom.
Guest:That's the whole story.
Guest:What else do you need to know?
Guest:She was hot and she was frisky.
Guest:But anyway, I come back to the condo drunk about 2 a.m.
Guest:There's Judd with a typewriter at the kitchen table writing.
Guest:And I walk in with one eye open and I go, what are you doing?
Guest:And he goes, I'm writing.
Guest:And I'm like, why?
Why?
Guest:Cut to.
Guest:And I went and passed out with one leg off the bed.
Marc:Yeah, cut to.
Marc:Judd Apatow owns Hollywood.
Marc:Owns it, yeah.
Marc:Why?
Marc:I don't think people really understand the idea of the comedy condo and how fucking horrendous it can be.
Marc:I think truly one of the saddest, one of the ones where even when I was feeling relatively good, I wanted to jump out the fucking window was San Antonio, Texas.
Guest:Oh, yeah, yeah.
Guest:Have you been in that one?
Guest:It looks like someone was murdered while they were working on their Harley in the living room.
Marc:Yeah, and it's on the fourth floor.
Marc:You had to bring the Harley up.
Marc:Is that the one you think of?
Marc:Yeah, it's on the seventh floor.
Marc:It was pretty nasty, bro.
Marc:Yeah, because it's like the patent leather sofa is still sticky.
Guest:And I'm not needy.
Guest:I really am not.
Guest:Oh, that one's fucking brutal.
Guest:It's brutal.
Guest:And then Tucson was famous.
Guest:Tucson, wait.
Guest:Akron, Ohio was the end all.
Guest:What was that one?
Guest:That was the one where you entered the condo through the kitchen, through a big door, and they lock it behind you as you go in.
Guest:So I would sleep until about five minutes to showtime, and I would be awakened by the music starting the show.
Marc:So it was in the club?
Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest:Oh, my God.
Guest:And it was nothing in there.
Guest:It was just nasty.
Guest:Oh, Christ.
Guest:It was really bad.
Guest:And then I would hear the music start, and I'd go, well, I'd get out of bed.
Guest:I guess I should comb my hair.
Guest:I'd shower and walk straight to the stage and eat a big shit sandwich.
Marc:Now, in terms of spending so much time on the road, because who's still out there, dude?
Guest:You know, when you say who's still out there, who's not still out there?
Guest:People grab onto this business, and they do not let go, because it's so fun to do comedy, I guess.
Guest:It doesn't matter that you have someone else's kidney, and you're working for a Tribble.
Marc:You're waiting for a liver.
Marc:Let's talk about that Tribble.
Marc:Now, see, this is a name that my listeners are not going to know.
Marc:What is a Tribble gig?
Guest:Well, a triple gig's like a Yoder gig, but not as posh.
Guest:It's also like a C.W.
Guest:Kendall gig.
Guest:You know, I was pitching a... You've heard of Tourgasm?
Guest:Yeah, yeah.
Guest:I wanted to do a downscaled one.
Guest:You know, you always see where Chris Rock and Dane Cook end up in big theaters.
Guest:You don't see how they got there.
Guest:And I want to take a van and you and Jim Short and do triple, Yoder, C.W.
Guest:Kendall.
Guest:There was a bunch of other guys that just booked a string of one-nighters in hotels.
Marc:Yeah.
Yeah.
Guest:And you could be on the road for a month straight and come home with like $200.
Marc:See, people don't realize that.
Marc:These are guys.
Marc:These are comedy bookers.
Marc:This started to happen, I think, in the early 80s or mid-80s where comedy promoters would do deals with hotels or any bar and grill in town to have a comedy night.
Marc:And they'd pay people like me or Robert.
Guest:About 25% or less.
Marc:Wow.
Marc:It was usually like if you were opening, you'd get $50 to $100, and you sometimes would have to drive six hours to do one gig.
Marc:Every day.
Marc:Right.
Marc:And then they'd put you up, and then the next day you'd drive three hours to do the other one.
Marc:And they would all be fucking horrible.
Marc:I remember one time, Barry Katz, who has gone on to manage Dane Cook and Jay Moore and several other people, Whitney Cummings, I believe, started his business in a basement in Alston, Massachusetts, and he had an empire of these one nights.
Guest:He was one of those guys?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Oh, yeah.
Marc:That's how I started, was doing one-nighters.
Marc:I started my career not in a standard way, where it was usually a two-man show, and if you were new, you'd be the opener and have to drive the headliner usually.
Marc:You'd do a half hour, he'd do 45, and then you'd get the fuck out of there.
Marc:Right.
Marc:But I just remember one time trying to sum up what you were dealing with.
Marc:There's a lot of horrendous situations where you'd walk into rooms that were side rooms in bars.
Marc:And they'd just have like a guitar amp plugged in, a mic plugged into it.
Marc:And they'd be like, just stand over there and let me get the people in.
Marc:That kind of shit.
Marc:And then there was one that... TVs are still on.
Marc:Yeah, yeah.
Marc:Playoffs.
Marc:Oh, shit, yeah.
Marc:Blenders.
Marc:People that are mad at you.
Marc:Like, literally, they're not even looking at you.
Marc:But they paid the $250 to have the comedy night.
Marc:And then there used to be one at the Taunton Regency in Taunton, Massachusetts.
Marc:It was a hotel.
Marc:And I walked in and where the lounge was, where they were going to have it.
Marc:That was the worst part, too, was when it was one thing to have the middle of the bar with no setup.
Marc:But then there was that period where every place had a dance club.
Marc:So you'd be on there with one of these big fucked up wireless mics in the middle on a stage.
Guest:It's screeching.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:No one knows how to fucking work it.
Marc:They're playing pool.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:And then, like, I looked at the calendar.
Marc:It said, you know, Monday, country western.
Marc:Tuesday, disco.
Marc:Wednesday, free food and comedy.
Marc:Like, I'm second to the... Featuring for food.
Marc:For free food.
Marc:And it was just one of those very revealing moments.
Marc:I didn't know how it was ever going to end.
Marc:But I don't think people understand that, like, you know, if you do those things...
Marc:that you're like a gypsy.
Marc:You're out in this world.
Marc:There's so many comics that nobody fucking knows about that are still out there.
Marc:Like, there's that John Fox story that I always loved, and I don't even know who the... Is he still around?
Guest:There's a million of them.
Guest:Yes, and he still takes gigs, and the stories I hear about him get worse and worse.
Guest:It's a really gross story, my favorite one.
Marc:Well, see, this is like, if I can explain to some of the people out there, is that John Fox is this comic that's been around for at least 25 years, 30 years.
Marc:I mean, he was already a road warrior when we knew him.
Marc:He's very filthy.
Guest:He's very well known for a while, too.
Guest:I mean, he was making...
Guest:you know good money on the road for a long time right and and and every story about him is always like you know oh did you hear that one like they're just you know mythic road horror stories they all start with i got this girl girl back at the condo and uh she wanted me to bang her in the ass and i i couldn't i've been doing blow all night i could no sooner banger in the ass and i can get it up so
Guest:The one I... I don't even want to tell it.
Guest:I don't want to tell it.
Guest:But they all started... I got this one old gal back at the condo and... You don't want to tell it?
Guest:She wanted me to urinate on her.
Guest:Well, I can no sooner urinate on her than I can fuck her in the ass and I can get it up.
Guest:I've been doing blow all night, but... So I tried to squeeze off a piss on her and...
Guest:I squeeze and I'm squeezing and a milk dud sized turd shot out of my ass rolled across the floor.
Guest:Well, now she gets up to take a shower because I just took a piss on her.
Guest:I'm searching around looking for this milk dud sized turd, but I can't find it because I can no longer.
Guest:I can no sooner find this damn turd than I can take a piss.
Guest:I can get it up and fuck her in the ass.
Guest:I finally find the milk dud sized turd and I take it into the kitchen.
Guest:I'm looking for a trash.
Guest:Well, I can't find the trash.
Guest:She starts coming back in.
Guest:I throw it in the garbage disposal and whip it up.
Guest:She walks into the kitchen and says, something stinks, and I go, I think it's the garbage disposal.
Guest:She walks over to the garbage disposal, takes a whiff and goes, yep, it's the garbage disposal.
Guest:He does that on stage?
Guest:No, it's just the one I heard.
Guest:He actually told me that one.
Guest:He told you that one?
Guest:He told me that one.
Guest:And he swears by it.
Marc:The one that I thought was great was...
Marc:This actually happened back in the day when I was at the comedy store as a doorman, and we were all doing a lot of blow and hanging around and staying up way too long.
Marc:And it was one of these situations where we were all... I think it was talking about that.
Marc:We were backstage.
Marc:I was talking to some people about doing coke, and we were just sitting there going, God, man, I hate it when you...
Marc:You can't sleep and you're sitting in bed and you're just, you know, we're just sharing blow stories.
Marc:And there's like three or four of us.
Guest:And Fox goes, you know, yeah, I can't stand it.
Guest:You know, and you're just sitting there alone in the condo and you're jerking off and you got a hairbrush stuck in your ass and you're just sitting there thinking, God, I hope I don't die like this.
Marc:And it was one of those moments where everyone's like, no, not really.
Guest:I haven't had a brush in years.
Yeah.
Guest:I'm bald.
Marc:You were in the service, too, though, weren't you?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:How long?
Guest:Three years.
Guest:Just long enough to, you know, I was in from 85 to 88.
Guest:You don't hear about anything happening during those three years, right?
Guest:Right.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:That's all I'm saying.
Marc:Why'd you join?
Guest:Because you didn't know what else to do?
Guest:Nothing else to do.
Guest:Absolutely.
Guest:It's a ticket out for a lot of people.
Guest:I would like to see the percentage of people in the military who consider themselves patriotic or gung-ho, as opposed to the people who just had nothing else going on.
Marc:I've talked to many of them.
Marc:I get emails from some of them, and the ones I've met are just sort of like, dude, I just wanted to have something to do.
Guest:Yeah, it doesn't mean they're lesser soldiers.
Guest:Right.
Marc:No, of course not.
Marc:That's their job.
Marc:You're a soldier.
Marc:Doesn't mean you have to be like, fuck yeah.
Guest:Right.
Guest:But there's only one or two per hundred that have a flat top and are like, USA.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:And actually they're annoying to the rest of them.
Guest:Yes, they are.
Guest:The reason I got out of the military is based on one statement I overheard.
Guest:What?
Guest:And it was this.
Guest:Helicopters do not fly.
Guest:They beat the air into submission.
Guest:I'm like, yeah, that's it.
Guest:I put up with a lot, the fighting and the suicides.
Guest:I don't want to be that guy.
Guest:Helicopter do not fly.
Guest:They beat the air to submission.
Guest:Okay, pal.
Marc:Yeah, that's a career guy.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Now, what are some pivotal...
Marc:You got any specific road experiences that were life-changing?
Guest:I don't know, man.
Guest:I can take anything pretty much.
Guest:But when I feel like I'm being ganged up on or attacked or whatever, I have a mild PTSD.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Do you?
Marc:From being in a... Mild post-traumatic stress.
Marc:From being in the service with no war to fight?
Guest:Part of the events that were in the... Right.
Guest:Hey, we fought to stay awake.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Somebody slapped me.
Yeah.
Guest:No, it's a mild case of we can do anything, but just don't come at me physically.
Guest:You might win, but you're going to go to the hospital with a bite mark.
Guest:You know what I mean?
Guest:Some scratches.
Marc:He bit me.
Marc:What the fuck?
Marc:He freaking bit me?
Marc:Just the idea of the rowdy crowd idea.
Marc:I don't know what kind of comic I am, but I fucking hate that.
Marc:I can feel it.
Marc:I know.
Guest:Because you prepared yourself to come up there and give them a really good show, and they could give a rat's ass in some cases.
Marc:Yeah, or I just wanted to get something done, other than having to just get through it.
Marc:Can you feel that when you get in front of a crowd?
Marc:Is there a pocket of...
Marc:of badness.
Marc:And you can feel the energy of it, like, oh, there, there's something bad over there.
Guest:Well, you have to feel out the club as much as the audience, because you have to know what they're willing to let you do with a rowdy crowd.
Guest:Right.
Guest:Right?
Guest:There's some clubs that feel like it's part of the deal.
Guest:What kind of comic are you if you can't handle a few shout-outs or whatever like that?
Guest:And I kind of agree with that.
Guest:You are a club comic.
Guest:You're dealing with drunk people.
Guest:It's not going to be a library in there.
Marc:Well, I kind of agree with it, too, because there's no way...
Marc:You know, if you either if either they come and have someone removed, that's that's bad, because that means like a bunch of people are going to be like, oh, Christ, couldn't handle it.
Marc:Why are they taking him out?
Marc:Why that?
Marc:Why does that have to leave?
Marc:Or some some crowds are appreciative because they're fucking the show up for everybody.
Marc:But if you say, could someone come get this guy, get rid of this fucking guy?
Guest:then there's really even if people agree with you you're still a dick right that's the trick that's the that's the trick i was taught early on by somebody which is keep the crowd on your side at all times the majority of people right don't do this you know what fuck you and fuck the rest of you right let's get on with the show don't do it anymore
Guest:I can't take when they just interrupt for no reason.
Marc:Right.
Marc:It's just a conversation for them?
Guest:No.
Guest:I mean, you're in a setup for a joke that if this setup and joke doesn't work nice, it's going to ruin the next five minutes because you have sort of a chunk.
Guest:It's delicate.
Guest:Right.
Guest:They're called chunks.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:That's what I call them.
Guest:Chunks.
Guest:I call them a nice solid slice.
Guest:Long bit.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Here's a hunk.
Guest:I got a chunk on my shoes.
Guest:Right.
Guest:Now, this joke has to work in order for that.
Guest:Everyone has to hear this part.
Guest:Right.
Guest:You can't fuck the timing up, please.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And then anything, you know, and they break it up now.
Guest:No one's focusing anymore.
Marc:And yeah.
Marc:And we miss a pivotal part of the chunk.
Marc:Right.
Marc:That I'm going to call back later.
Guest:But the next time that happens to you, Mark, and I'm here to help.
Guest:I'm because it's been a long time since I've been banned or kicked out or left without being paid.
Guest:Just remember that it's not about you.
Guest:It's about the alcohol.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And buy the guy as many shots as you can until he's passed out on the table.
Marc:And then you go into your stuff about... Maybe have a drinking contest with him or dare him to do something.
Guest:I've seen that's a pretty good one where you go, hey, get this guy a shot.
Guest:I like this guy.
Guest:Get that guy.
Marc:Get another one.
Marc:Come on.
Marc:Get another one.
Marc:Get it right.
Marc:And put him out.
Marc:But what about the odds of him doing it louder?
Yeah.
Guest:Well, if you can't handle that, if you don't know what to say to that.
Guest:You can't handle a moron, a drunk moron.
Guest:I've seen those people, man.
Marc:Have you ever had, like, I had something happen the other time where I got to talk and some woman got kind of mouthy.
Marc:And I was talking about politics or something.
Marc:And she sort of went, well, I think communism, you know, I don't remember what it was.
Marc:And it was clear to me that the guy she was sitting with did not know she had the opinion that she had.
Marc:And by the end of my set, after I was done, she was crying.
Marc:And he was looking at me going, just nodding his head like I had no fucking idea.
Marc:Like I felt like I destroyed a relationship.
Marc:Have you ever done that?
Guest:I haven't had the pleasure to do it so succinctly with one hunk of material.
Guest:Have you ever made anyone cry?
Guest:Not on stage necessarily.
Guest:Right.
Guest:In the private shows.
Guest:At a corporate.
Guest:I gave a guy a heart attack in St.
Guest:Louis.
Guest:You did?
Guest:Yep.
Guest:Good for you.
Guest:Right when I was peeking, where it's supposed to be, the guy falls out of his chair, has a heart attack, ambulance comes.
Guest:I come off stage and his friends had stayed.
Guest:I guess I was doing that well.
Guest:And so he's in the hospital and I go up and I gave them the CD and I go, give this to him and finish the job.
Right.
Marc:Did you hear back?
Marc:No, they laughed, though.
Marc:I had a moment where I was at a club in a bowling alley.
Marc:This was a Barry Katz gig in Cranston, Rhode Island.
Marc:It was the Cranston Bowl.
Marc:They had comedy night there.
Marc:They had a lounge that seated a good 300 people, and it was on the same night as bowling to the oldies.
Marc:So you could see out the windows of the lounge during the comedy show, like kind of crazy disco ball and lights and people bowling to the big bopper.
Marc:And I'm doing my show, and it's like their opening night, so it's packed, and I had this whole chunk on plane crashes.
Marc:That was pretty graphic and completely unnecessary, but insanely dark and funny.
Marc:And in the middle of this bit, a woman screams, Stop talking about plane crashes!
Marc:And I knew in that moment that was bound to happen that somebody she knew had died in a plane crash.
Guest:Well, see, you're one of these comics, like a lot of my favorites, like Dana Gould, for example, who really commits to what everybody's doing.
Guest:Now, the problem with that is that you're dealing with people who don't commit a lot.
Guest:They believe that you think you're right rather than the truth, which is you only have to prove that you think you are.
Guest:The punchline could be anything.
Guest:It's a comedy club.
Guest:Your angle could be anything.
Guest:You don't have to be right.
Guest:You just have to prove that you think you are in a funny way.
Guest:Right.
Guest:That's the only thing you owe anybody in that room.
Marc:That's a good way to put it.
Marc:Well, I was in this moment where the whole place just screamed to a halt because the emotion in her scream was... Sometimes you forget.
Marc:People have had a couple cocktails.
Marc:It's just you and them.
Marc:They're no longer part of a crowd.
Marc:They're just reacting.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:And I was like...
Marc:You know, it was like that weird moment of silence.
Marc:I'm like, what happened?
Marc:She goes, I just lost somebody in a plane crash.
Marc:Right.
Marc:And it was like, it was just this horrendous sucking silence.
Marc:I said, well, you know what?
Marc:I'll just do my cancer chunk.
Marc:And, and thank God, man, just turn the fucking corner, man.
Marc:Just turn the corner.
Yeah.
Marc:never leave oh there's just some moments that are just like they're just too profound i remember i learned the lesson the cunt lesson early on where i called a woman a cunt in the first five minutes and then uh and i couldn't get him back yeah you know my sister is a very uh liberal person and she's she's really cool but we're playing golf and i yelled i yelled cunt yeah
Guest:And she goes, she looked at me, you know, she loves me.
Guest:Anything I can do no wrong with her.
Guest:But she says, not that word.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Why that word?
Guest:Right.
Guest:Well, the next time I hit a bad shot, I yelled country whore.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:How'd that go?
Guest:She didn't mind that.
Guest:But that's three things.
Yeah.
Guest:Right?
Guest:Yeah, yeah.
Guest:That's three things I'm yelling at.
Guest:Yeah, yeah, too much, too much.
Guest:We're going backwards as far as the C word goes, but anyway.
Marc:Well, that's what, and then I wrote a bit about that.
Marc:I think I said that all I found out was that when you say the word cunt, it's a long row back to the island of funny.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Who else have you worked with?
Marc:Oh, man, a million people.
Guest:I worked with Emo Phillips back in the day.
Guest:When he was big?
Guest:When he was big, wearing the suit, the tuxedo with the tails that bent up in the back and the haircut.
Guest:And at the time, again, this is one of those open for Paula Poundstone moments where you think that it's important.
Guest:What you did was important.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:But in the grand scheme of things, it's really not.
Guest:I opened for Emo Phillips, too.
Guest:So there the resume grew.
Guest:But I also was driving him to the hotel after the shows at night.
Mm-hmm.
Guest:Well, the night before I'm supposed to open with him, someone else opened.
Guest:I drive him to the hotel and I go, hey, man, I'll be opening for you tomorrow.
Guest:You're the biggest star I've ever opened for.
Guest:And he goes, then you'll want to take a left here.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:I go to light up a cigarette.
Guest:He's like, please, please don't smoke.
Guest:Don't smoke.
Guest:My health.
Guest:I go, oh, I didn't know you were sick.
Guest:He's like, I'm not.
Guest:My health.
Guest:So then we drive on and I pull up to the hotel and I go, hey, man, it's going to be great working with you tomorrow.
Guest:And he goes, don't worry.
Guest:Maybe Mark Pitta will come to town.
Guest:What?
Guest:Like one day you'll get to open for Mark Pitta.
Marc:And I'm like, what the hell?
Marc:I don't like that kind of shit.
Marc:Could you just be a person?
Marc:Fucking be a person.
Guest:He's a person now, I think, more so.
Marc:Yeah, but he's still a little peculiar in terms of conversation.
Guest:By the way, I did open for Mark Pitta later.
Marc:Have you done his gig up at the theater?
Marc:Yeah, I did.
Marc:It's awesome.
Marc:It is great, isn't it?
Marc:So awesome.
Marc:It's like all these rich, happy people are half drunk on wine, and they just come out to this beautiful theater, and they laugh at everything.
Marc:Yeah, and they love him, too.
Marc:I went there, and Robin Williams showed up, and I was like, oh, fuck.
Marc:You know, because I like Robin.
Marc:Nice guy.
Marc:Right.
Marc:But I'm like, I'm not going on after him.
Marc:This is my night.
Marc:You know, I'm headlining.
Marc:If he wants to go on, can he go on after me?
Marc:And Robin was fine with that.
Guest:Of course, yeah.
Marc:Yeah, he's a great guy.
Guest:Very gracious.
Marc:I did the same thing when I was there.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:But it was very funny.
Marc:There was a couple of things where...
Marc:A couple things happen where Robin, if he locks in on you, you have to fight to get out of it.
Marc:He'll just emmess you in Robin energy.
Marc:Well, kind of like with Rick Overton, too.
Marc:Yeah, exactly.
Marc:Same thing.
Marc:Like, hey, how are you doing?
Marc:He will take you over.
Marc:It's like the emotional equivalent of the blob.
Marc:You're like being absorbed by this force.
Marc:Yeah, Overton's exactly the same way.
Marc:And right up to when I'm going on, Robin's like, ooh, and Marc Maron's going, oh, no, no, no.
Marc:And I literally said, Robin, could you please get out of me?
Marc:Get out of me.
Marc:I have to go on stage now.
Marc:And he's like, oh, okay, okay.
Marc:And then he did this thing where I know Robin.
Marc:I know what he likes to do.
Marc:He likes to be the center of attention no matter what.
Marc:No matter what.
Marc:So he says, oh, I'll just go.
Marc:I'm going to go on the balcony.
Marc:And so he's up in the balcony where no one can see him, right?
Marc:Right.
Marc:But every joke that didn't do quite as good as I wanted to, where there was a little silence, I hear him go, oh.
Marc:Right?
Marc:And I knew that was just him throwing a line out.
Marc:And I looked at him, and they didn't know it was him.
Marc:I'm like, I'm not playing with you.
Marc:I'm doing this.
Marc:We're not going to play.
Marc:Oh.
Guest:I remember meeting Rick Overton when I first came out to L.A.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And same kind of thing.
Guest:I thought, you know, I'm going to say hi to the guy because I think he's really funny.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And he's so ballsy.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:That he was an influence.
Guest:But I said, you know, I'll just say hi real quick and I don't want to keep him.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Well, 10 minutes later, I'm the one going, look, dude.
Guest:I got to go.
Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest:I got to run.
Guest:Yeah, with Overton's like, Mark Maron.
Marc:And he'll just get right on.
Marc:He's like, I don't know about this George Bush thing.
Marc:And it's like these tendrils.
Marc:Oh, my God.
Marc:I can't get out.
Guest:I can't get out.
Guest:It's a wonderful place to be, though.
Marc:It is, actually.
Marc:It's invigorating.
Marc:Yeah, Kennison was like that, too.
Marc:Did you ever work with Hicks?
Marc:Yeah, I did, just before he died.
Guest:Oh, really?
Marc:Mm-hmm.
Guest:And when he was sick and he had the... Well, he knew, but no one else knew at the time.
Guest:Where was that?
Guest:And the funny thing was, is I was middling that week at the Austin Cap City.
Guest:Well, I'm sorry, the Austin Laugh Stop at the time.
Guest:Right.
Guest:And...
Guest:He's at the same hotel.
Guest:I don't know this, but I was supposed to middle for him.
Guest:And I'm like, great, finally.
Guest:Well, he said, no.
Guest:Remember, he was ill at the time.
Guest:He just wanted his friend, is it Johnny Sanchez that lives there, to open for him?
Guest:You know, you want your friends around you.
Guest:And he said, I just want them to focus on the stage until I get up.
Guest:I don't need the funniest guy in the area going up or whatever.
Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest:That's what I heard anyway.
Guest:So I went and saw him anyway.
Guest:And the next day, my car packed to the gills.
Guest:I was going to drive to San Francisco.
Guest:And coming out of the parking lot of the hotel, there's Bill.
Guest:And I pulled up.
Guest:Hey, Bill Hicks, man.
Guest:I said, you're the best, dude.
Guest:He's like, that's great.
Guest:Where are you going?
Guest:I said, San Francisco.
Guest:And he was very helpful.
Guest:He was giving me all kinds of advice and all this stuff.
Guest:And oh, he goes, are you the guy that got bumped?
Guest:I go, yeah.
Guest:He goes, did you get paid?
Guest:I go, yeah.
Guest:He goes, well, hell, bump me.
Marc:yeah yeah he was a really sweet guy you know when he sat down and talked to him do you remember i think we did speaking of dead guys i think we did the competition with mitch yeah we did yeah remember i think he was just calling himself mitch then uh yeah headberg uh i met him way way back when i'd only been on stage like five times or something just this this homeless looking guy in the back in the dark yeah yeah with his long hair with the bandana then hey come here come here
Guest:And I go, what?
Guest:You're good, man.
Guest:You're good.
Guest:Where do you come out of?
Guest:I go, Dallas.
Guest:What's the comedy scene like out there?
Guest:It's good.
Guest:It's good.
Guest:It's just like this dark figure.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And I was on the way out the door.
Guest:I got to go.
Guest:No, no, no.
Don't go.
Marc:He liked you to hang around.
Marc:The one funny Mitch Hedberg story that I thought was weird just because I was in Indianapolis and I'd done the gig there.
Marc:And then everyone goes to this bar that the comics hang out at because the owners of the club owned it.
Marc:And I'm sitting at the bar with some other comics and we're drinking.
Marc:And one of the waitresses comes up to me and goes, Mitch Hedberg's on the phone for you.
Marc:I'm like, Mitch is on the phone for me?
Marc:Why would he even call me?
Marc:This was before he was famous or anything else.
Marc:Why is he looking for me?
Marc:And I go into the back, into the kitchen.
Marc:I go, hello?
Marc:He goes, hey, it's Mitch.
Marc:And I go, what's up?
Guest:He goes, I know how Indianapolis works.
Marc:That was it.
Guest:That's awesome.
Guest:That's awesome.
Guest:Do you feel good?
Guest:About this?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I don't know.
Guest:Really?
Guest:No.
Marc:I think we have a good conversation.
Guest:We can always redo it.
Guest:Sure.
Marc:We can do it, and then we'll do yours, and when you get yours up on iTunes.
Guest:Can I mention my website?
Guest:Absolutely.
Guest:It's roberthawkins.biz.
Guest:.biz.
Guest:.biz, B-I-Z.
Marc:It's a Robert Hawkins biz.
Marc:This is one of the great unsung heroes.
Guest:There's a free comedy album there on the front.
Marc:Free comedy album.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:If you don't know who Robert Hawkins is, you're missing something.
Marc:how's that yeah all right so uh talk to you soon thanks dude you know there's something i want to clear up i got a few emails from uh women and um i guess well i did okay i made a comment when i was talking to dove davidoff i used the word fat pig in relation to a woman and i believe that we sexualized the discussion and
Marc:And in a couple of emails, one primarily, I was accused of being misogynist.
Marc:I'll address that in a second.
Marc:And then in another one, I hurt someone who has weight issues.
Marc:I hurt their feelings.
Marc:And I apologize.
Marc:I sincerely apologize.
Marc:But you know a little bit about me.
Marc:And there's nothing I can do to explain that.
Marc:And it's an interesting conversation to have because for some reason, we obese people, there seems to be...
Marc:a license to make fun of fat people or obese people.
Marc:And I don't really want to be that person.
Marc:And I had to track it down in my own heart.
Marc:in my own mind you know why i said that because i don't say that and i said it publicly and i said it on the podcast and i had to assess it in my look i have food issues i was brought up by an anorexic mother who was fat as a child and her biggest fear in the world was being fat
Marc:And I have said this before.
Marc:I really think for the first nine years of my life, I was a chunky kid.
Marc:I think she looked at me as her fat.
Marc:She thought that if she would just stop eating, maybe I would disappear.
Marc:I was reading calorie counting books and diet books when I was eight years old.
Marc:Everybody in my house, all they talked about was not eating or eating too much or not.
Marc:I grew up with my entire life sitting down at restaurants and my mother saying, do you really need that?
Marc:Do you really need that?
Marc:So I have a deep ingrained fear of fat.
Marc:I have a I feel like a fat person inside.
Marc:I'm obese.
Marc:I have an obese inner child.
Marc:And that statement, my mother used to grab my hand if she was walking with me when I was a kid.
Marc:If an obese person or a fat person was walking by, she would grab my hand hard and go, oh, my God, look at that.
Marc:So I think it just came out of where that type of thinking comes from, just fear and a certain amount of contempt for myself and fear of fat.
Marc:And I apologize.
Marc:I'll try to be a little more sensitive to that.
Marc:As far as being a misogynist, because I think that Dove and I sexualized.
Marc:Look, look, I don't think I'm a misogynist.
Marc:I don't hate women.
Marc:I have nothing against women.
Marc:I respect women as equals.
Marc:I like women.
Marc:If the question is, do I think about having sex with women?
Marc:Most women?
Marc:Yes.
Marc:Do I sexualize women?
Marc:Yes.
Marc:Do I objectify them occasionally?
Marc:Yes.
Marc:Occasionally in my mind.
Marc:And what do you mean occasionally?
Marc:I think about having sex with a lot of people.
Marc:I can't stop that.
Marc:That doesn't mean I'm a sexist and women of all shapes, sizes and ages.
Marc:It doesn't.
Marc:I'm not specific.
Marc:But you can't criticize me for that and call me a misogynist because, you know, occasionally, why do I keep saying occasionally?
Marc:Like I'm trying to dismiss it.
Marc:I think about having sex with women a lot.
Marc:And I don't think there's anything wrong with that.
Marc:I don't think there's anything sexist about it.
Marc:It's just the way the brain works.
Marc:I'm happy to get to know women, but a lot of times they're just walking by and I don't have time for that.
Marc:So I just have to think about having sex with them.
Marc:Does that make me a bad person?
Marc:I mean, come on, cut me a little slack.
Marc:I apologize about the fat pig statement, but I'm not going to censor my brain from thinking about having sex with women.
Marc:Like right now I'm doing it.
Marc:I'm thinking about it right now.
Marc:Okay, I stopped.
Marc:So I can stop it.
Marc:So I guess that's good, right?
Marc:All right, that's it.
Marc:That's it.
Marc:The next time I see you, I will be... See you.
Marc:The next time I talk to you, I will be in the garage back at the cat ranch.
Marc:But this dispatch has been from the cottage.
Marc:I don't know what the... You know what?
Marc:I'm not going to get into it.
Marc:I'm done with it.
Marc:Indiana, Bloomington, Indiana.
Marc:It's been fun.
Marc:Hope you enjoyed the show.
Marc:Just remember, if you want anything comedy-related in the form of information, go to punchlinemagazine.com for any WTF-related stuff.
Marc:Go to wtfpod.com, justcoffee.coop.
Marc:You can follow us on Twitter.
Marc:You can send us money.
Marc:You can look at pictures, videos.
Marc:There's some videos up there.
Marc:I don't know.
Marc:I'm exhausted.
Marc:I'm exhausted.
Marc:Thanks for listening.
Marc:I hope you had a good run or a good drive or you're having fun in your cubicle.
Marc:I made your life easier somehow because that's what I'm here to do, to make you forget that you don't like you.
you