Episode 58 - El Chupacabra / Bob Fingerman
Guest:Lock the gates!
Guest:Are we doing this?
Guest:Really?
Guest:Wait for it.
Guest:Are we doing this?
Guest:Wait for it.
Guest:Pow!
Guest:What the fuck?
Guest:And it's also... Eh, what the fuck?
Guest:What's wrong with me?
Guest:It's time for WTF!
Guest:What the fuck?
Guest:With Mark Maron.
Marc:Okay, let's do this.
Marc:How are you?
Marc:What the fuckers?
Marc:Welcome to the show.
Marc:What the fuck in here is what the fuck buddies, whatever you want to call yourselves.
Marc:Welcome.
Marc:I'm happy you're here.
Marc:I'm still in Washington, D.C.
Marc:Well, actually, not really.
Marc:I'm sort of across the river in Alexandria at a hotel, a suite hotel, a suite hotel, whatever you want to call it.
Marc:It's one of them hotels where people live for a while when they're in between things trying to figure things out.
Marc:working for someplace for a few weeks, trying to disappear.
Marc:I'm just here for a couple of days.
Marc:It's not so bad.
Marc:They had free meatloaf downstairs with mashed potatoes.
Marc:And I was surprised how many people were down there for the free bad dinner.
Marc:They should just publicize it like that when you check into these places.
Marc:Oh, and by the way, we have a free bad breakfast and a free really shitty dinner if you want.
Marc:People, the place was packed down there.
Marc:You'd think it was the best food around.
Marc:And there seems to be a whole community of people in transit, of people that live like this.
Marc:I don't want to go into it.
Marc:I do want to say thank you to everybody who showed up at the Black Cat last night.
Marc:We had a great time.
Marc:We had a great show.
Marc:It was a nice turnout.
Marc:A lot of what the fuckers came up.
Marc:A lot of people got some free stickers, bought some CDs.
Marc:Threw me some bread.
Marc:A little weird taking donations right there on the fly.
Marc:But I'm not going to turn him down.
Marc:It was very sweet.
Marc:Saw a lot of old friends.
Marc:Had an old fan of mine come.
Marc:He gave me an issue of National Lampoon Comics.
Marc:It was a special magazine they put out of all the comics they used to have in National Lampoon.
Marc:Which sort of ties into today's episode.
Marc:Because later in the show, I'm going to have Bob Fingerman on.
Marc:Whose most recent book, From the Ashes, is a great graphic novel.
Marc:I think he would call it that.
Marc:And...
Marc:The return of El Chupacabra is today's show.
Marc:So hang in there.
Marc:I did a fairly lengthy interview with El Chupacabra.
Marc:That said, the trip to D.C.
Marc:has been somewhat eventful, but not really eventful.
Marc:Subtly eventful.
Marc:When I come here, I always want to do something.
Marc:And I'm sort of out here off the beaten track.
Marc:I'm in Alexandria.
Marc:Is that what it's called?
Marc:Alexandria?
Marc:Who am I asking?
Marc:There's nobody here.
Marc:Am I asking me?
Marc:Like, is there another me that knows the correct answer to all these things?
Marc:Yes, I believe it's Alexandria.
Marc:And I wanted to today, I'll just tell you, let's just go through the day and see if we can do that.
Marc:I decided I would get up and go into D.C.
Marc:I had a meeting with a fellow from National Geographic Television.
Marc:That's where I'm going to end up.
Marc:I'm going to do an animal show.
Marc:I didn't know what he wanted.
Marc:He's a fan, and I was happy to see him.
Marc:His name's Bill.
Marc:He wanted to talk to me about some stuff, how I would fit into the Nat Geo world.
Marc:But that being said, I had to go in to meet him for lunch.
Marc:So I figured I'd get a couple other things done.
Marc:Maybe I'd take a look at the White House and go to the mall and not the, you know, the grand mall, the great mall, whatever they call it.
Marc:You know, the space between the Washington Monument, the Lincoln Monument and the Capitol, the center of this American power structure on a political level.
Marc:I always like to go there, but I had to get there.
Marc:So I took the metro.
Marc:And something happened on the Metro that I really never thought would happen.
Marc:I actually witnessed a type of person that I just don't get to witness much.
Marc:I see fragments of them on television.
Marc:I've heard myths about them.
Marc:I assumed they were out there, but I never really got to witness it.
Marc:And sitting across from me on the Metro were these three women, two of them probably in their 50s, one in their 80s, maybe 70s or 80s, and these two men.
Marc:The older woman had this weird, almost, you know,
Marc:Wild gray hair.
Marc:And the other two, they just looked like very out of shape American women.
Marc:But they were talking.
Marc:And one woman, I sat down during the middle of a conversation where it was one of the women, the more talkative one.
Marc:And now let me just explain that.
Marc:She was sitting with the seat facing away from the direction we were going.
Marc:You know how some trains have seats going in both directions.
Marc:I don't know why I'm telling you that, but I think it'll play into it.
Marc:So I'm listening to her talk and she's got she's kneeling on the chairs because because the back is facing the other woman so she can talk to her in a childlike way.
Marc:And she's saying, you know, I'm not going to stay here.
Marc:I'll probably go to Australia or Canada.
Marc:I mean, I'm not going to stay here.
Marc:Now, these were people obviously from out of town.
Marc:They were obviously Southern.
Marc:They were obviously, I don't want to call them rubes or hicks or hillbillies, but my immediate impression was they were fucking idiots.
Marc:And not because of that, because they sounded like idiots and the way that we're talking were like idiots.
Marc:But then I started to realize it was almost childlike.
Marc:And I had this weird, almost empathetic reaction to them.
Marc:I'm like, this is what I'm thinking to myself, just listening to them and how they're talking.
Marc:Like, these are what uneducated people sound like.
Marc:These are people that really, they believe that they're smart, but they're morons.
Marc:But it's childlike.
Marc:I mean, because she's sitting there talking about how horrible America is.
Marc:Like, I'm getting out of here.
Marc:And the other one's going, well, Canada might be pretty good.
Marc:We can go to Canada.
Marc:And then the childlike one said, everybody's got health care in Canada.
Marc:So then I thought, well, maybe they are.
Marc:Maybe they're a little more progressive than I thought.
Marc:Maybe they're...
Marc:And then it just kept going.
Marc:And then all of a sudden, the one woman, like the childlike woman, the simple-minded one, looks out the window because we're above ground.
Marc:And there's an airplane in the air.
Marc:And she goes, oh, Bob, Bob, take a picture of the big airplane.
Marc:Look at the big airplane.
Marc:Get the picture.
Marc:Get the picture.
Marc:And this guy's taking pictures of an airplane in the air.
Marc:I'm like, are we seven?
Marc:And then they're taking pictures of everything.
Marc:They're on their way, as I gleaned from their conversation, and they're going to see the White House.
Marc:So I can't I can't stop listening to that.
Marc:And then what happens is they're taking pictures of bank buildings in Virginia.
Marc:They don't even care.
Marc:They're just so excited.
Marc:And the woman's like, I've never been on a train.
Marc:I'm facing the wrong direction.
Marc:Am I going backwards?
Marc:And I'm like, oh, my God, should I get her a lollipop?
Marc:And then it got kind of interesting because we stop at the Pentagon and a bunch of people get on at the Pentagon.
Marc:And this woman's talking too loud, almost alcoholically loud.
Marc:And I'm not saying that as a judgment.
Marc:I just there was moments where I'm like, is she drunk?
Marc:And they get on and she's talking as if there's an audience listening to her, you know, like an eight year old would do.
Marc:I keep I know I'm making her older as it goes on.
Marc:And she says, after a bunch of people get on at the Pentagon stop, do all these people work at the Pentagon?
Marc:And she's looking for someone to pay attention to her.
Marc:And the guy sitting next to me who sat down next to me, he's got State Department laminates on credentials.
Marc:And he sort of smiles and she's like, you work at the Pentagon?
Marc:Will you give President Obama a message for me?
Marc:And he says, I'm assuming it's not a positive message.
Marc:And she's like, no, it's not.
Marc:No, it's not.
Marc:And then one of the other women sort of shuts her up.
Marc:And he sits there kind of smiling at me in that knowing way where you both realize you're in the presence of fucking morons.
Marc:And and then what happens is he gets up to get off two stops down.
Marc:And she says again, she goes, Mr. We're from the Pentagon.
Marc:Will you send President Obama a message from me?
Marc:And this guy, as he's walking out, turns around and says, well, you know, he's our president and we defend him just like we defended Bush.
Marc:And he walks off the train.
Marc:it was pretty pretty stunning little moment and she goes he's not my president this is after he leaves he's not he's not my president he's y'all's president but he's not my president he is not my president and then he turns she turns to the other one and goes he doesn't care about us he doesn't care about us at all none of them do they just care about the banks and i'm like oh my god is somebody writing this
Marc:And then it just sort of continues to unfold.
Marc:And she looks at her friend and goes, you know what?
Marc:And this is in a hush tone.
Marc:She says, I bet you that guy who was just on here has got a 666 under the skin of his forehead.
Marc:And I'm like, oh, my God, it's real.
Marc:It's real.
Marc:And then she goes, but don't get me going on about politics.
Marc:And I'm like, is that what we're going on about?
Marc:Is that what we're talking about?
Marc:Really?
Marc:Somehow in the political discourse you have, the possibility that a State Department official might have a 666 on his skull beneath the skin on his forehead is part of your political discussion.
Marc:Holy shit.
Marc:I could not believe that those polls were true.
Marc:I saw the poll that 25% or so believe that Obama is the Antichrist.
Marc:I mean, at least he's a socialist.
Marc:He's a communist.
Marc:He wasn't born in that country.
Marc:That is grounded in some sort of paranoia, but it seems like it's tangibly real.
Marc:To these people, even though they're misinformed completely and they believe what they want to believe.
Marc:But the fact that someone is sitting across from me believing that not only is he the Antichrist, but clearly the people in the Pentagon are all marked with the sign of the beast.
Marc:I mean, I know that conspiracy.
Marc:Yeah, I may be entertained it in one of my more coked up states, but but that is her political discourse.
Marc:It was just baffling.
Marc:I really wanted to turn the mics on when I was sitting there, but I just didn't know how to do it.
Marc:So I wanted to go to the Holocaust Museum.
Marc:So I'm at lunch with my National Geographic buddy, Bill, and I ask him where it is.
Marc:And he says he thinks he knows where it is.
Marc:But then I looked at the map and he was wrong.
Marc:And he said he'd lived there for four years and he'd never been there.
Marc:And he's a Jew.
Marc:I really felt as though he was a Holocaust Museum denier.
Marc:And as a Jew, you shouldn't be a Holocaust Museum denier.
Marc:The reason I wanted to go to the Holocaust Museum is that I drove by it with my friend Maria yesterday.
Marc:And there was a big poster in front that said, state of deception, the power of Nazi propaganda, special exhibition.
Marc:So the Holocaust Museum's propaganda for their exhibition about Nazi propaganda sucked me right in.
Marc:Is there an irony in that?
Marc:There must be.
Marc:So I make my way across the Great Mall, past the Washington Monument.
Marc:I walk past the White House.
Marc:And I'm going to the Holocaust Museum.
Marc:And I get to the Holocaust Museum.
Marc:I haven't done the whole museum in a long time because it's a little heavy.
Marc:It's a lot to take in.
Marc:But I wanted to focus.
Marc:On the propaganda exhibit, it was very interesting.
Marc:A lot of pictures had a lot of the artifacts from that time.
Marc:I don't want to call them relics.
Marc:They're not ancient.
Marc:They had Nazi signs.
Marc:They had the the Jew, the yellow Jew.
Marc:So on patch of the star.
Marc:And and I got the flyer here.
Marc:I got the flyer here.
Marc:And, you know, what was interesting about it is is that part of the agenda was that the state knew what they could do.
Marc:They knew they were going to do whatever the hell they wanted to do.
Marc:They were going to kill the Jews.
Marc:They were going to take over Europe.
Marc:But really what it was about was fostering a climate of indifference in the regular German population, fostering a climate of indifference.
Marc:That struck me as very interesting.
Marc:It is apathetic, but there's something about the repetition of any kind of propaganda.
Marc:It doesn't just cause apathy.
Marc:It causes you to detach from the humanity that you have in your soul to care about other people because of some hypnosis that has been put upon you.
Marc:In the flyer, it says, or the brochure here, is propaganda what you think it is.
Marc:It has common traits.
Marc:And here they are.
Marc:Uses truths, hath truths, or lies.
Marc:Omits information selectively.
Marc:Simplifies complex issues or ideas.
Marc:Plays on emotions.
Marc:Advertises a cause.
Marc:Attacks opponents.
Marc:Targets desired audiences.
Marc:And I realized that I may have just as well been looking at the description of the Glenn Beck show and TV Guide.
Marc:And I also realized that the power of propaganda is so, so much with us on so many levels.
Marc:You know, I was sitting across from a woman that believed our president was the Antichrist.
Marc:believed he was the antichrist and there were people standing out in front of the white house two days ago you know with kill the bill socialism communism it's the end of our country totalitarianism uh he's like hitler these are the effects of propaganda and there's no doubt about that in my mind
Marc:So I get out of the museum and I go back to the mall.
Marc:I go back to the great mall and I start reflecting on how I felt, how I was becoming angrily indifferent to our administration, how I began to think that there was no political solution to any of our problems and that all politicians were just
Marc:were just parasites and whores and opportunists, and that democracy was just a tired old hooker that would let any corporate entity fuck it in its ass and run any sort of money that came through it through it.
Marc:Just a tired old, you know, like doc whore is what democracy would become.
Marc:Yet when you stand out on the Great Mall, and I'm standing out there on the day that Barack Obama signed the legislation, the new health care reform, signed it today,
Marc:And I realized I had become so cynical.
Marc:I had become so cynical.
Marc:And I was looking, every time I come to DC, I never know why, but I'm overwhelmed and proud and I feel small and part of something much larger than me when I stand in front of the Lincoln Memorial or I stand in front of the Capitol or I look at the White House that I never quite understood what it was because I've always been cynical about what goes on in this town, but it represents something.
Marc:It represents something that stands there despite the history, despite people that come and go, that democracy is built to sort of absorb and process the badness that occurs within this country on a political level.
Marc:And there is really hope there.
Marc:And then I had that feeling where it was like, today is a hopeful day.
Marc:Today was the day where the insurance companies get fed part of their ass.
Marc:Obviously, they're gonna do okay, but now death panels have been somewhat put out of business.
Marc:And when I say death panels, I mean the board of directors at insurance companies.
Marc:Now, everybody must be covered and they cannot deny anybody coverage based on anything.
Marc:They have to cover them.
Marc:That means that the class-based, race-based
Marc:This pre-existing illness based triage that has kept people dying in this country at the behest of insurance companies protecting their bottom line is over.
Marc:Now, I don't care where you stand on this issue or whether you think it's unconstitutional that everyone must have insurance.
Marc:But I tell you one thing, the fact that everyone can get it and will have it despite anything, despite they don't have money, despite that they have had cancer, despite the fact that they may have smoked once in their life is a profound thing.
Marc:And I just hope that given the broad spectrum now of people that will be insured that they really reach out and help people.
Marc:I hope that...
Marc:mental health becomes better i hope that in all of this insurance coverage now that some of these morons and angry people that thought it was their constitutional right to to not have insurance so when they got sick you know someone else would have to pay the bill or they would just die out of pride will now be covered with an extensive mental health plan and hopefully these delusional people
Marc:that believe that Barack Obama is the antichrist or a communist or a socialist or that we're going to be living in a totalitarian state, that somehow maybe they'll get help for those delusions when they can at least just go to the doctor when they start coughing up blood as opposed to sitting at home saying,
Marc:I ain't going to take a handout.
Marc:This will go away.
Marc:I want those people to live.
Marc:But I also want them to try to fucking behave like sane fucking people.
Marc:Let's move on.
Marc:Because I don't want to get hung up on that.
Marc:All right.
Marc:So you wanted to give me notes on my book?
Yeah.
Marc:10 years after the fact.
Marc:Did we have some sort of falling out?
Marc:I don't even remember what that was about.
Marc:I just remember I got irritated with you, and I can't remember why, and I don't remember.
Guest:Oh, I do.
Guest:Do we want to start with that?
Guest:And then we can hug.
Guest:I think that would be a nice way to go.
Marc:It's not unusual for me to open a show by taking responsibility for a previous bad action.
Marc:If it was my fault, let's see.
Guest:Well, it might have been.
Guest:What happened?
Guest:I hadn't seen you for a few months.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And the last I'd seen you, you were telling me you were trying to lose some weight.
Marc:Oh, well, that could have been any time.
Guest:Yeah, well, okay.
Marc:That could have been yesterday.
Guest:That could have been yesterday.
Marc:But, yeah, okay.
Guest:And your emails generally are fairly terse.
Guest:Would that be a good way of putting it?
Marc:Sometimes, yeah.
Guest:And you sent me an email.
Guest:Boy, this sounds like I came loaded with this.
Guest:I promise I didn't.
Marc:I want you to unburden yourself.
Guest:I promise I didn't come with an agenda.
Marc:I want you to unburden yourself.
Marc:My guest, by the way, is Bob Fingerman, the comic book artist whose newest book, From the Ashes, a speculative memoir, is a graphic novel that was just released by, who's your publisher?
Guest:IDW.
Marc:All right, we don't need to talk about that.
Marc:That's fine.
Yeah.
Marc:But the foreword is by a very, very brilliant comedian.
Marc:Marc Maron wrote the foreword to From the Ashes.
Guest:Yes, he's a nice young man.
Marc:For Bob Fingerman, in an attempt to make an amends for whatever the fuck he's about to say right now.
Guest:Past slights.
Guest:Yeah, right.
Guest:But to frame this, to frame this.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:Because everybody was a little more delicate.
Guest:This was October 2001.
Guest:And for some reason, everybody in New York, I think, was a little bit more pins and needles that month.
Marc:Yeah, because that was the month after the thing.
Marc:The thing, yeah, the big thing.
Marc:Which actually informs your speculative memoir to some degree.
Guest:Yeah, to some degree, yeah.
Guest:I don't obsess about it.
Marc:You don't obsess about that particular end of the world scenario, but clearly you do obsess about the end of things.
Guest:It occupies some of my brain, real estate.
Marc:Okay, so it's October 2001.
Marc:We're all...
Marc:severely damaged by pdst you know new york is a zombie land of frightened people and bad smells yeah just complete shock yeah particularly the bad smells even when you were kind of trying to make yourself feel okay you'd get that whiff of burning metal i mean i i didn't you know a lot of people would like to characterize it as as something more morbid but it just smelled to me like it smelled industrial yeah it did didn't it like a toxic melting metal
Guest:Yeah, I kind of had this feeling that that's what it smelled like in East Germany.
Guest:Right.
Guest:Like all the time, though.
Guest:It's not the smell of freedom.
Marc:It's the smell of burning metal.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:So, all right, let's just get this out of the way.
Guest:But you sent me just one of your quick, I'm on Conan.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Boom.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And I got about 10 minutes before Conan ended.
Guest:Right.
Guest:So I thought, oh, so I raced to the TV.
Guest:Right.
Guest:And I saw your segment.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Thought it was good.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And I just shot you an email back.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And I said, caught you on Conan.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And I said, you look thin.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I thought that was, but I didn't throw an emoticon after it or something.
Guest:Did they have emoticons then?
Guest:With a hug.
Guest:That's a lot of parentheses for the hug.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And you roll back and you're like, was I funny?
Guest:Great.
Guest:He's like, great.
Guest:You caught me.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And then something like, I'm thin.
Guest:Great.
Guest:What's that supposed to mean?
Guest:So I wrote back very kind of like frantically, like, I just, you were funny.
Guest:And last time I saw you, you said you were trying to lose the weight.
Guest:And then I see you lost the weight.
Guest:And then you just let me have it.
Guest:It was the longest email you'd ever sent.
Guest:It was paragraphs.
Guest:Really?
Guest:Of just, you know what, buddy?
Guest:You're a diminisher.
Guest:I can't know you anymore.
Guest:I can't be with people like you anymore.
Guest:I think it's time you and I had a parting of the ways.
Marc:A diminisher.
Guest:A diminisher, yeah.
Marc:Have you ever been called a diminisher before?
Guest:No, it was new.
Guest:If I was a supervillain, though, that's what I'm going with.
Marc:Yeah, the diminisher.
Guest:What do you think of these eggs?
Guest:They're all right, I guess.
Marc:You are a diminisher.
Guest:So yes, there you go.
Guest:You know, this Mexican Coke, it's nice.
Guest:It's all right.
Guest:It's all right.
Guest:Yeah, yeah.
Guest:It's refreshing-ish.
Marc:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Marc:I mean, I've known, I've met other diminishers in my life, and I don't know why I was so sensitive to it.
Guest:I'm a diminisher in recovery, though.
Marc:Oh, really?
Guest:You're aware of your diminishing powers?
Guest:You alerted
Guest:Did I?
Guest:No, but honestly, the truth is, because I'm one of these people where if somebody says, this is why, and I think you and I have talked about this, where if there are negative comments on a message board or something, and everyone's like, you were funny, you were this, you were that, and there's one guy who's like, meh, meh, meh.
Guest:That's the only one you read, and you read it again and again.
Guest:It's kind of like, really?
Guest:What can I do to make that guy like me?
Marc:Well, yeah, because we're pain junkies.
Marc:I mean, I've decided that there's that element of like, why doesn't he like me?
Marc:And I'd like to turn him around.
Marc:But obviously, they push a button.
Marc:And it's a button.
Marc:I hate to admit that sometimes all the praise, if there is praise, is very rewarding on an ego level.
Marc:And you could just feel it inflating you.
Marc:But in terms of genuine feeling, it seems that the one we know and are familiar with is like, I don't know.
Marc:You could have tried a little harder on that.
Marc:And you're like, what?
Marc:Because in your mind, somehow that guy spoke to your insecurities and it's a tape that you've been playing yourself.
Marc:How the fuck does that guy know?
Marc:So you're going to approach him like you would approach yourself.
Guest:Plus, honestly, I sometimes think when people take the time to do a message thing and they're negative, I think they thought about it more.
Guest:Because it burned that guy.
Guest:Whatever it was, he was kind of like, ooh, I'm a little angry right now.
Guest:I'm going to express my anger.
Marc:Right.
Marc:I can tell you honestly, I guarantee you that paragraph or two I wrote to you was a very satisfying bit of business for me that I probably read over and over again and shouldn't have sent.
Guest:Probably.
Guest:Well, but anyway, but the thing is, though, if somebody, this is the difference, though, and this is why I say in recovery, if somebody whose opinion I respect points something out, even if I know it's because, oh, you know, it's post-September 11th.
Guest:He's crazy.
Guest:Feeling tender, et cetera, et cetera.
Guest:I take it more seriously than some crank on the internet because it's like, this guy knows me.
Guest:You know, it's like the whole, you know, more truth said and just.
Guest:Right, right.
Marc:I didn't know you that well.
Marc:And there's an element of truth to that stuff.
Marc:But you should also say, this guy's an insecure freak.
Guest:But I also, you know, I mean, I think I've actually been better in recent years, but I've had kind of ebb and flow periods of being more negative and being more positive.
Guest:You know, it's just kind of the way I'm wired.
Guest:And I probably was going through some kind of dark patch or whatever.
Guest:We all were.
Guest:I mean, well, yeah.
Guest:It's funny, though, because, I mean, we'd known each other, I think, for about three years before that.
Marc:Right.
Marc:Well, I was doing, yeah, that was Jerusalem Syndrome in one form or another.
Marc:There was a series of things, and then I met you, and you were primarily known for your filthy comics.
Guest:What was that series called?
Guest:Oh, I've done a lot of filth in my day.
Marc:Let's talk about the filth a little bit.
Guest:Oh, good.
Marc:You were celebrated.
Guest:My self-esteem was doing fine.
Guest:Let's bring it back down to reality.
Marc:No, but are you kidding, though?
Marc:I mean, I don't know why you would take that as something, that direction of that as being something negative in the sense that a lot of people define themselves.
Guest:Oh, I was the Mozart of filth.
Marc:No, but look, I mean, I've got fucking Art Crumb's first issue of Zap up on the wall.
Marc:I mean, the filthy comics were what I read.
Marc:Yeah, yeah.
Marc:There's an underground tradition of filth that you obviously wanted to be part of.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:And you chose that trajectory.
Guest:Well, the funny thing, though, is the filthy comics actually for me were therapy in a way.
Marc:Of course, that's all Crumb does.
Guest:But he wasn't doing it in reaction to sort of the freelance equivalent of a day job.
Guest:Because I was working for Cracked Magazine.
Guest:Right.
Guest:and you know of course not even the mad like when i was a kid it was cracked i'm not my brother liked cracked and i was like you're nothing exactly i read mad magazine well cracked was what i always thought cracked is what you bought when they were sold out of mad and you just needed some kind of fix of like what's a parody of the latest movie and that's how mad sold it i hated the guy i'll get sick you know sick right i hated the guy on the cracked you know what his you know what his name was what
Marc:Sylvester P. Smythe.
Marc:Now you can hate him more.
Marc:Right.
Marc:As opposed to Alfred E. Newman, which didn't even matter to me.
Marc:No.
Marc:It was just Mad Magazine somehow had those great guys.
Marc:It had Jaffe and Davis and Don Martin.
Marc:Is that his name?
Marc:Don Martin, right?
Marc:Yeah, yeah.
Marc:But Cracked Magazine, I couldn't even tell you who the fuck was in it.
Guest:Well, the funny thing is some of them would slum occasionally.
Guest:Like Davis occasionally left the ranch and he'd go work for crack.
Marc:Well, he'd be everywhere.
Marc:I mean, Davis did.
Marc:He was just too fast.
Marc:He did advertisements.
Marc:He did all kinds of stuff.
Marc:But the stuff that you did originally, just so some people might know your work, I mean, what were some of the titles of the comics?
Marc:The pornos?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Why do you call them pornos?
Marc:Can't we call them underground comics?
Guest:I think, well, I think they were kind of porny, though.
Guest:I mean, let's call a spade a spade.
Guest:I know.
Guest:There was a lot of insert tab A and slot B going on, you know.
Marc:I know, but would you call like Cheech Wizard porn?
Guest:No, but like Skinheads in Love, which was one of the ones I did, that was definitely porn.
Guest:I like that one.
Guest:I mean, yeah, the village, even the village voice literary supplement gave that a good review.
Guest:So I did.
Guest:But, you know, but it was porn.
Marc:I know.
Marc:But it was porn at a different time where porn had intent, where that there was some First Amendment freedoms to be fought for.
Marc:It was before that.
Marc:You know, it was before the times where I have I think computers come with porn on them now.
Yeah.
Marc:They do.
Marc:Porn was special then.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Women had hair on their pussies, and porno comic books were a good time to be had by kids who could sneak them into their house.
Guest:Well, actually, I've had a few abortive starts at writing a book that was going to be kind of, not so much a memoir.
Guest:Memoir's such a...
Guest:grandiose word, but a look back on my obsession, specifically with naked ladies, you'd have to put it that way, because you're going back to when I was like seven years old.
Guest:I mean, the first time I saw a pair of boobs in Playboy, it was kind of like, yeah, I like that.
Guest:I'm sold.
Guest:We're good.
Guest:Now I know what my purpose is.
Marc:Now my life's goal.
Guest:I must have that.
Guest:Yeah, yeah.
Guest:But...
Guest:The internet, the working title of this book was The Internet Ruined Everything, because I think there was something special about procuring anything.
Guest:If you'd see a bra ad in the New York Times magazine section- Why talk about that?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Well, there was this guy in my junior high school class who I think was one of the most enterprising people I ever knew.
Guest:I grew up in an apartment complex.
Guest:He grew up in a different apartment complex.
Guest:In New York.
Guest:Yeah, in Queens.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And really, after this guy, I thought, I live in the most inferior development because nobody threw anything interesting away.
Guest:But this guy, he would come to class.
Guest:He had a brown leather attaché case.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And it was his sample case.
Guest:And the kids would meet him in the back of the room.
Guest:He'd pop the case.
Guest:And it was all fully used skin mags.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And he had a take it home for the night.
Guest:You know, see if you like it.
Guest:If you like it, pay me tomorrow.
Guest:If not, bring it back.
Guest:No questions asked.
Guest:Take it home for the night.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:It was like, try jerking off through it to see if anything moves you.
Guest:Of course it's going to work.
Guest:And, you know, I assume he had pretty brisk sales.
Guest:I was always too shy.
Guest:It was kind of like, hey, I want what he has.
Guest:But then he knows that I'm.
Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest:And, you know, for me, it was like this.
Guest:I want the naked lady, but masturbation is shameful.
Guest:Where did you get masturbation as shameful as a Jew?
Guest:Yeah, I don't know.
Guest:I think I came up with that one on my own.
Guest:That's crazy.
Guest:Especially because I was brought up by atheists.
Guest:There was really no stigma.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Where did that come from?
Marc:I don't know.
Marc:Oh, my God.
Marc:It's innate.
Marc:That's the thing you're born with.
Marc:You have an innate shame of jerking off?
Guest:Exactly.
Marc:I think that once I figured out how to do it, I saw no shame in it at all.
Marc:I just knew I didn't want to be caught doing it by my mother or anybody else.
Marc:I knew I didn't want to talk about doing it until I went to Hebrew school.
Marc:Then it was all we talked about.
Guest:Oh, really?
Guest:Oh, yeah.
Guest:Well, see, this was the advantage of having a working mother because I really had a window.
Guest:When I got home from school, it's like, I've got from three to six.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I can go insane.
Guest:Yeah, yeah.
Guest:I'm just going to destroy myself.
Guest:Let's do carpal tunnel syndrome.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:Yeah, but I've talked about it before.
Marc:Some of the first images of sex I saw was in comic books.
Guest:Yeah, yeah.
Guest:And a lot of that porn stuff, you know, I mean, honestly, the best freelance money ever made was working for men's magazines.
Marc:Which was, you worked for which ones?
Marc:I worked for everyone.
Guest:I worked for Hustler.
Guest:I worked for Screw.
Guest:I worked for Penthouse, not Penthouse proper, but like some of the ancillary Penthouse titles.
Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest:I can't even remember what they are.
Guest:Sheree.
Guest:Remember Sheree?
Guest:Yeah, I remember that.
Guest:All that.
Guest:I worked for like a half a dozen titles from whoever published Sheree.
Marc:So not unlike a previous guest I had, Jerry Stahl.
Guest:Yeah, yeah.
Guest:And I know Jerry, so.
Marc:Yeah, working within that world got you your chops and got you your, you know, you paid your dues and you learned your craft.
Marc:I mean, you have a very great eye and you've got a great line and you're a great caricature comic artist.
Guest:Thank you.
Marc:And you wouldn't have been able to do that hadn't it been for your filth.
Guest:Oh, no, that's true.
Guest:No, that's absolutely true.
Guest:I mean, I definitely, you know, even.
Marc:It's not easy to draw a good cock.
Marc:You know, to draw quickly.
Guest:But you always have a model.
Guest:You're looking down.
Guest:Wait, hey, that vein, I don't remember that.
Marc:You're sitting there drawing, and it's like, uh-oh, I better draw a hot girl so I can get this in the right format.
Guest:And then every art director says, why do all your dicks have sores on them?
Guest:Oh, oops.
Marc:Oops.
Marc:I'm making those up.
Marc:But do you ever draw things to turn you on?
Marc:Like, do you ever draw... Like, I know that, like... Not since I was a kid, but as a kid, yeah.
Marc:Yeah, you did.
Marc:When I was a kid, yeah.
Marc:Really?
Marc:That's interesting.
Marc:Yes, doctor.
Marc:No, but I mean, most of us had to just, you know, build things in our brains, but you could actually manifest something on paper that you could fantasize about.
Guest:The box that I am most sorry I destroyed in a fit of pique when I was a kid...
Guest:One of those, because once I became aware of mortality, I always was thinking, if I die, I don't want my mom to find this little stash or that little stash.
Marc:This is really the core of your shame.
Marc:It's your relationship with your mother.
Marc:I'm just throwing that out there.
Guest:It could be.
Guest:And the funny thing is, she's a very, she's a nonjudgmental person.
Guest:I really bring it on myself.
Guest:But yeah, I had this box of, it was like a Tiamo cigar box from my dad, and I kept it under the radiator in my bedroom.
Guest:And it was full of my, you know, proto-porn drawings.
Guest:I mean, and we're talking really, I started young, you know, maybe seven or eight years old.
Guest:I saw Playboy cartoons, and I started copying the boobs.
Guest:It was like, I'm just going to copy the boobs.
Guest:I have a pink crayon.
Guest:And a red crayon.
Guest:I'm going to go to town.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:And I would do those drawings.
Guest:And then I probably filled the box.
Guest:I'm sure it was.
Marc:Oh, and he threw it out.
Guest:And then one day I thought, I'm going to die.
Guest:And it went down the incinerator chute.
Guest:How old were you?
Guest:When I, the fear of death, probably nine, maybe 10.
Marc:So now that brings us to the current situation.
Marc:Now, you sent me the galley of this because you wanted me to write the foreword, and I said, of course I will, but I don't like you that much.
Marc:Right.
Marc:But when I first read this, I couldn't quite wrap my brain around the idea of it being in an alternate reality, not a future, but a reality that didn't happen but is already behind us, if I'm not mistaken.
Marc:You are correct.
Marc:And the the the the I guess I don't want to say analogous, but the the imagery is really it takes place in New York.
Marc:Something horrible has happened.
Marc:It's unclear.
Marc:But, you know, it's impossible to not to separate that from 9-11 if you were in New York.
Marc:Right.
Marc:So I have to, on some level, believe that in your mind, this is what could have happened that day.
Guest:uh well yeah in a sort of best case worst case scenario i mean best case being you know yeah michelle and i my wife and i are completely uns excuse me completely unscathed yeah you know by this by this cataclysm you know where i mean i i began it in as absurd a fashion as possible by drawing us you know standing in this total cartoon crater you know where we don't have a speck on us and everything around us is in ruins you know so
Marc:Yeah, I want to make it clear that this is a satire.
Marc:It is funny.
Marc:I don't want to say, like, this is a comic book about 9-11 if it were worse.
Marc:Yeah, it's not Mouse.
Marc:No.
Marc:No, this is about Bob and his wife Michelle have just survived miraculously some sort of horrendous thing that destroys all of New York City.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And I never really I never put a specific blame to it.
Guest:You know, I mean, there there's dialogue in it.
Marc:You don't explain it at all.
Guest:No, there's open speculation.
Guest:You've got one group or another taking either credit for it or trying to figure out who's to blame.
Guest:But, yeah, I didn't want it to be any kind of finger pointing book, you know, where it's like, oh, I mean, I've got somebody saying, oh, I bet it was Bush.
Guest:And I have, you know, somebody else saying it was the Christians and so forth.
Guest:Right.
Guest:But nobody ever just been a guy.
Yeah.
Marc:That's the scariest thing about the end of world scenarios now.
Marc:Could just be some guy.
Marc:But you use the backdrop of this cataclysm or this apocalyptic event in New York to really skewer and satirize American culture.
Marc:I mean, that's the intention of this, is that you have your own foibles, your own aggravation in the book, and your wife is her character and she likes to shop, but is also very sweet.
Marc:And there are those personal elements.
Marc:But then you also you use this backdrop to sort of to skewer American culture in by by using the example of what's left.
Marc:Right.
Marc:So what you have left are these different examples, almost like a picaresque.
Marc:It's almost like.
Guest:Oh, yeah, definitely.
Marc:Where, you know, you're on this journey through this post apocalyptic New York and you come upon, you know, the.
Marc:Fairly unique bunch.
Marc:Now, several bunches.
Marc:The interesting thing to me is like how quickly people were mutants.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:That in Bob's world, the apocalypse happened.
Marc:There's no radiation poisoning.
Marc:It's like, you know, within days, people have fins and gills and octopus hands.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:But why do the whole sort of like three years later?
Guest:Exactly.
Marc:Keep this thing moving.
Guest:Exactly.
Marc:Within two days, people were cannibalizing each other, which I particularly loved.
Guest:Yeah, well, I like that line from your foreword where you said, this is what freedom looks like when it's malignant or something.
Guest:Right.
Marc:Well, it's just that the idea is that there was plenty of food everywhere that just went and looked for canned goods.
Marc:But it's like, fuck it.
Marc:It's over.
Guest:Let's start eating pizza.
Guest:Exactly.
Guest:Well, you also you got to imagine, I mean, everybody's been broasted.
Guest:You know, there's going to be sort of an intoxicating barbecue smell everywhere.
Guest:You know, I took the industrial stink of 9-11 and replaced it with is that ribs?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:And isn't Anthony Bourdain in this?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:They're actually eating him.
Marc:Okay, so there you go.
Marc:I don't want to tip the whole book, but in the world that Bob has created in this book, there is a totalitarian force at hand that has set up a breeding farm and has an army of Star Wars-like soldiers, and he speaks to people through these telescreens, and it turns out to be Bill O'Reilly.
Guest:Yeah, well, I mean, when he first shows up, that's certainly not spoiling anything.
Guest:He just rises, literally rises above the crowd, and it's this giant-headed Bill O'Reilly who's kind of mocking this old Marvel villain named M.O.D.O.K.
Guest:So I just made him M.O.D.O.S., and I actually have an acronym.
Guest:My acronym works for O'Reilly, too, but I just always liked the way M.O.D.O.K.
Guest:looked because he was probably the most absurd-looking character, just this big, bulbous head in a floating throne with little withered arms and legs.
Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest:I think O'Reilly would look good with it.
Guest:He could rock that look.
Guest:I think it's a very upbeat book in its own strange book.
Guest:But the thing is, a lot of post-apocalypse fiction, I think, is very upbeat.
Guest:Because the only way it functions is...
Guest:People consign themselves or they say, I'm going to go on.
Guest:I'm going to move forward.
Guest:If you had a post-apocalypse story where somebody just said, fuck it, I'm done.
Guest:It's a really short story.
Guest:It's always about let's persevere and kind of move forward.
Marc:But a lot of that is tempered with the fact that it's going to be difficult.
Marc:And it's truly awful.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:But we can survive.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:But that's what I like is that the sort of spirit of tolerance and the spirit of kindness, even belligerent, begrudging kindness on your behalf kind of comes through in the book.
Guest:Well, the other thing that I mean, the other thing I wanted to do with it, because since Michelle is the co-star of this thing is I wanted to do something about a married couple where marriage wasn't used purely as fodder for like
Guest:lock horns type jokes you know you burned the pot roast yeah yeah there's none of that in this i mean blondie yeah it's not blondie you know that matt that michelle and i are a good team and in a way in a way i don't know if i don't think this was necessarily a message but i think the fact that we have deliberately chosen not to have kids makes us a much happier couple
Guest:You know, this was something we went into at the beginning.
Guest:We're like, we don't want kids.
Guest:And so we just enjoy each other.
Guest:There's never any of that kind of burden of a third party, you know.
Guest:And I think it makes for a stronger unit.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I mean, there have been studies recently where they say married couples with no kids are less stressed than, you know, people with kids and tend to be happier than people with kids.
Guest:Right.
Guest:And I know people with kids would say, I love my kids.
Guest:I'm not saying nobody.
Guest:Of course you love your kids, but you're definitely stressed.
Guest:If you're not stressed, you're not a good parent.
Guest:Just thinking about kids stresses me out.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:So that brings us to where we are.
Marc:Bob's new book, From the Ashes, is available now.
Marc:A speculative memoir.
Marc:Can they get it online?
Guest:They can.
Marc:Where?
Guest:Amazon.
Marc:Amazon.
Guest:Always at a discount.
Marc:Really?
Marc:Oh, yeah.
Marc:Well, everything's at a discount there.
Guest:Yeah, but it's cheap there.
Guest:So they have no excuse not to get it from Amazon.
Marc:Yeah, okay.
Marc:And I wrote the foreword, and there's a great caricature of me that Bob did.
Guest:Frameable.
Marc:It is frameable.
Marc:I'm going to frame mine.
Marc:I'm going to put it right up here in the office.
Marc:It was great talking to you, Bob.
Marc:I hope we're okay now.
Marc:Oh, we're very good.
Marc:Was the burden lifted?
Guest:I think it was.
Marc:I don't think you were diminishing at all in this conversation.
Marc:Good.
Marc:You have made progress.
Guest:See, I have come a long way.
Marc:All right.
Guest:It was good talking to you.
Good talking to you, too.
Marc:I get very excited about guests, and we don't have very many repeat guests.
Marc:No.
Marc:No, it's my show.
Marc:We don't have many repeat guests, but because of demand, and this man has been very busy.
Marc:He's been all around the world.
Marc:He's been covering a lot of events, and we're fortunate to have him, but El Chupacabra is back.
Guest:Cucurico, cucurico.
Marc:Welcome back to the show.
Guest:That's the way that I announce I am here.
Guest:Mark Maron.
Marc:Thank you for coming back to do the Jew podcast.
Guest:It's my pleasure, Mark Maron.
Guest:Now, el chupacabra goes, cucurico, cucurico.
Guest:But what would be Mark Maron's noise?
Guest:Oh, I think I heard something.
Guest:I think I heard something.
Guest:I think I heard something.
Guest:You have to repeat it once.
Marc:Let me see if I can get something better.
Marc:How about what the fuck?
Guest:Hey, what the fuck?
Guest:There you go.
Guest:Cucurico.
Guest:What the fuck?
Guest:Cucurico.
Guest:What the fuck?
Guest:Cucurico.
Guest:Oh, shit.
Guest:It's good to see you.
Guest:It's pretty good to see you, Mark Maron.
Marc:I never knew that we would get along so well, but I think it's not that I don't like your comedy.
Marc:I just don't know that I'm laughing at you for the right reason.
Guest:Right, right, right.
Marc:Because I don't know what you're talking about.
Guest:Right.
Guest:Well, that's fair.
Guest:Es totalmente fair.
Guest:See?
Guest:See, for that, you don't know if you're laughing because it's funny.
Marc:No, I don't.
Guest:Or because of my accent.
Marc:Exactly.
Marc:Is that wrong?
Guest:It's not wrong.
Guest:I am laughing at your accent.
Marc:I don't have an accent.
Guest:No.
Guest:I would tend to disagree.
Marc:So let's talk about what you've been doing now.
Marc:What station are you on now?
Guest:I'm on 103.1 El Gato.
Marc:That's in Los Angeles.
Guest:That's here in Los Angeles.
Marc:And I was surprised when I was in my car because sometimes I listen to you.
Marc:I will admit you're a guilty pleasure.
Guest:That's great.
Guest:Number four on your speed dial.
Marc:Well, I just pushed seek on the AM.
Guest:And you shall find.
Marc:Yeah, and I find you.
Marc:And I was surprised that you were in Vancouver.
Guest:Yes, I was up at the Olympic Games.
Marc:Yeah, and I didn't understand any of your coverage, but you seemed very excited.
Guest:I was very excited about the coverage up in Vancouver.
Guest:It was a great achievement.
Guest:So many...
Guest:Wonderful athletes from around the world to celebrate sports that nobody cares about.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Like curling.
Guest:Yes.
Guest:Of course, curling.
Marc:I heard you covering the curling.
Marc:Yes.
Marc:And you just kept going, vroom, vroom.
Guest:Vroom, vroom.
Guest:Because it was a play on sounds.
Marc:Right.
Marc:Now, I didn't see any.
Marc:Are you Mexican?
Guest:Yes.
Marc:I didn't see any Mexican curlers.
Marc:Did I?
Guest:No, because we took the brooms and cleaned people's houses with them.
Guest:Oh, I don't know about that.
Guest:That's not true.
Guest:That's a stereotype.
Guest:Do you ski?
Guest:Yeah, hold on, man.
Guest:Yes.
Guest:Crushing it up or to a snort.
Marc:You don't do that anymore, do you?
Guest:No, I still do.
Guest:Twice a day.
Guest:Twice a day.
Guest:For to wake up and for to sleep at night.
Marc:You use it to sleep?
Guest:Yes.
Guest:I wake up for 10 minutes.
Guest:I get very anxious.
Guest:I nod away at my jaw.
Guest:I make a phone call to my dead mother.
Guest:And then I go to sleep.
Guest:Oh, I think we got my dead mother on the phone right now.
Guest:It's line three.
Guest:Hello.
Guest:Hello.
Guest:Ay, chupacabra, yo soy tu madre.
Guest:Uh-oh, it's my mother.
Guest:She's on the phone.
Guest:She says it's me on the phone.
Guest:Ay, por Dios, what are you doing with this puto judio?
Guest:Oh, you're saying, what am I doing with this fucking you?
Guest:Oh, with me?
Guest:Yes.
Marc:Why isn't she asking you about your cocaine problem?
Guest:Because she was the one who got me hooked.
Guest:Oh, this is getting dark.
Guest:Yes.
Guest:Hold on.
Guest:What did you ask?
Guest:How is it in heaven?
Guest:How is it in heaven?
Guest:Oh, you still have that terrible stutter.
Guest:It's very good.
Guest:Dean Martin just touched my ass.
Guest:Who?
Guest:Dean Martin.
Marc:Dean Martin made it up, huh?
Marc:Dean Martin made it all the way to heaven.
Marc:Well, at least your mother's keeping some exciting company.
Guest:Yes, she's out there with Dean Martin.
Guest:Who ass is in heaven with your mommy?
Guest:Fidel Castro is here.
Guest:Did he die?
Guest:Breaking news.
Guest:Fidel Castro está muerto.
Marc:Oh, God, I wish we were going live.
Guest:Oh, this is live.
Guest:Oh, okay.
Marc:In heaven.
Marc:Oh, always live in heaven.
Marc:Coco Rico!
Guest:Coco Rico!
Marc:Well, now that brings us to another point, that you and your radio station did some relief work in Haiti.
Guest:Yes, I went to Haiti.
Guest:Yeah, now what could you have done down there?
Guest:You know, I was trying to bring laughs back to a country that has been decimated by the earthquake, as well as get, you know, one of my sex stores back in operations.
Marc:You have a sex store in Haiti?
Guest:Yes.
Marc:It was a big franchise?
Guest:It was a big franchise throughout Haiti.
Guest:It was called Chupacabra, get your chupa chupa.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:And were they damaged in the quake?
Guest:My brothers?
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:A couple of them were, but we got them back on their feet.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:It's very good.
Guest:And the store's back in business?
Guest:The storefront is back in business.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:It's very good.
Guest:And we, let's see, we spent three months in Haiti.
Marc:Uh-huh.
Guest:That's a long time.
Guest:Yes, this was before the earthquake.
Marc:I think I heard a clip of you trying to make a baby laugh.
Guest:Yes, that's right.
Guest:This is a clip of me.
Guest:This is on location in Haiti, interviewing a little Haitian baby.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Uh-oh, it's me, El Chupacabra.
Guest:¿Qué pasa, baby?
Guest:¿Qué pasa, French Asian baby?
Guest:Oh, that French Asian baby seems already totally disinterested.
Guest:French Haitian baby, was that a fart or your indifference?
Guest:Cucurico, cucurico.
Marc:Now, were you able to bring any love down there?
Marc:That's a good clip, by the way.
Guest:I was able to bring some love down to the people of Haiti.
Marc:Now, is it my understanding that you were actually planning a trip to Afghanistan as well?
Guest:Yes.
Guest:To support all the Mexican troops in Afghanistan.
Marc:Is there a contingent from Mexico?
Guest:Yes, there are six troops there.
Guest:Six Mexican soldiers.
Guest:Yes, and they are personally, personally controlling all of the opium trade there.
Marc:Really?
Guest:Yes.
Marc:So isn't that a bad thing?
Guest:Not for those six soldiers.
Marc:So you're going to go there to support them?
Guest:I'm going to support them and also put some opium in my rectum and to bring it back to Mexico.
Marc:Do you think it's a good idea to say that on the podcast?
Guest:I don't think anybody's listening to this podcast, Mark.
Guest:You'd be surprised, Chupacabra.
Guest:I would be.
Guest:This is the future.
Guest:This is the future.
Guest:The future.
Guest:The future of broadcasting.
Guest:Uh-oh.
Guest:We got a caller from the future.
Guest:Who is it?
Guest:What did he say?
Guest:Oh, that was Morse call from the future.
Guest:What did it say?
Guest:He said, okay, okay, Mark Moran, you are right.
Guest:We are listening to you in the future.
Marc:Oh, so I was right.
Marc:What did he say then?
Guest:Just joking.
Marc:You know, I know that you have children, right?
Guest:I have several children.
Marc:Yeah, and are you married right now?
Guest:At the moment, I am married.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:Do you like her?
Guest:I am very much in love with my wife.
Guest:Uh-huh.
Guest:Very much.
Guest:And you don't sleep around her.
Guest:I mean, you don't cheat on your wife.
Guest:I go to various places and sleep with women, but I do not sleep around.
Guest:Right.
Guest:But I feel as though my body requires various types of wetness from different women.
Guest:Right?
Marc:I understand.
Guest:Do you understand that?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:My body creates it.
Guest:It requires it.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:So just wetness.
Guest:Wetness.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:So it has nothing to do with them.
Marc:No.
Marc:No.
Guest:No.
Guest:I just require different as if you are, oh, I like to use Lubriderm as my moisturizer.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:But today I am going to use Juergens.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Right?
Marc:So it's just that easy.
Marc:It's that easy.
Marc:Now you seem to know a lot about lotion.
Guest:I am current, yes.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:Because you cannot always be with a woman.
Marc:Yeah, you have to use lotion.
Marc:Do you ever use spit?
Guest:Yes, other people spit.
Marc:Oh, okay, so that's part of the way.
Guest:I have a collection of spit in my apartment in Mason jars, and I scoop it out with my hand and use it.
Marc:This has gotten peculiar, hasn't it?
Guest:Yes, I'm sharing so much with you, Mark Maron.
Guest:How is it that you are able to get so much information out of people?
Marc:I'm a very good interviewer.
Guest:You are?
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:Is that the phone?
Guest:Yes, hold on.
Guest:Who is it on the phone?
Guest:Okay, hold up.
Guest:We're going to take this.
Guest:All right, this one is a baby who's high on cocaine.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:Okay, the baby is high on cocaine.
Guest:He's saying that he was responsible for 9-11.
Guest:Now, I don't know if this is the figmentation of a baby.
Guest:Did you hang up?
Guest:No, no, no.
Guest:Ask him for some more details.
Guest:Okay, what do you want to know?
Guest:What do you want to know?
Guest:Okay, baby.
Guest:Let's see.
Guest:Was the planning for 9-11 an inside job?
Guest:Yeah, well, I was inside the house when I planted.
Guest:Baby, how is it possible that you're a baby born just in the last two years, but you caused 9-11, which happened in 2001?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I don't know.
Guest:I just know I did it.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:What did he say?
Guest:I don't know.
Guest:I just know I did it.
Guest:That's what he said.
Guest:That baby should be punished, I think.
Guest:Yes.
Guest:Now, baby, some might say that your punishment will be your early addiction to cocaine.
Guest:Some might say that's your greatest strength.
Guest:All I know is that you're very interesting to me right now.
Guest:What did he say?
Guest:He said, all I know is that you are very interesting to me right now.
Guest:Now, I don't know if that is based on the fact that he has high cocaine or if it's the fact that he finds our interview very interesting.
Guest:What's amazing to me is this is a podcast that has been, I don't know how he is listening to this.
Marc:Are you doing any voiceover work?
Guest:Yes, I'm currently voicing all of Tom Sizemore's work.
Guest:Really?
Guest:Yes.
Marc:That's not unlike the baby you just talked to.
Guest:I know exactly.
Exactly.
Guest:That's true.
Guest:So you went for Private Ryan?
Guest:Saving Private Ryan.
Guest:How does that go?
Guest:He goes like this.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:He said, let's go to France.
Guest:Uh-huh.
Guest:That's one of his lines in that movie.
Guest:Sure, sure.
Guest:Also.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:But I thought, wouldn't he have used the character's name?
Yeah.
Guest:That's the problem with Sizemore.
Guest:It cannot separate.
Guest:It doesn't translate.
Guest:I also refuse to say the characters' names in the movies.
Guest:The Latin market does not respond to that.
Marc:No?
Marc:They'd rather you say the celebrities' names?
Guest:They would rather say, oh, Tom Hanks.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Matt Damon, sure.
Marc:Tom Hanks, where is Matt Damon?
Marc:Why do you think that is, that the Mexican market would rather hear the celebrities' names?
Marc:They don't care about the character necessarily?
Guest:I think they are drawn to a celebrity-driven culture.
Marc:Okay.
Marc:As well as a drug-driven culture.
Marc:That is true.
Marc:Now, do you go back to Mexico?
Marc:Because I know that there's a lot.
Guest:I go back.
Guest:I'm hosting a new show in Mexico.
Marc:Really?
Guest:Yes.
Marc:What show is that?
Guest:It's a reality show.
Guest:It's like Big Brother, but it's with the whole country.
Guest:And instead of voting people off per episode, someone dies in a drug-related murder.
Marc:Oh, so you have cameras everywhere?
Guest:Sure.
Guest:It's just assumed that someone every day is going to get killed.
Marc:So what happens is you get the news footage, and then you say, oh, I guess he's off.
Marc:He's off the show.
Marc:And then you just pick some other random event in Mexico and you shoot that.
Guest:Exactly.
Marc:And then you wait for another drug killing.
Marc:Someone in there gets killed.
Marc:And they're off the show.
Marc:And then they're off the show.
Marc:That seems sort of genius.
Guest:Yes, it's a great show.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:What's it called?
Guest:It's called Who Wants to Die?
Marc:That's pretty catchy.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And then nobody raises their hands.
Guest:But someone dies.
Guest:That's right.
Marc:Are there billboards in Mexico for who wants to die?
Guest:Yes, there are billboards everywhere.
Guest:Your face just going, what?
Guest:A big smile on my face.
Guest:Is there a monkey?
Guest:See, there's a monkey.
Guest:There's a monkey with a gun.
Guest:And actually, we are working on an interactive billboard where the monkey shoots an actual gun and just picks people off off the highway.
Marc:Oh, for real?
Guest:Yes.
Marc:Oh, I guess, did you get okayed with that, with the police?
Guest:I'm okay with that.
Marc:Okay, all right.
Guest:And the police, I think has been proven to be indifferent to these plights.
Marc:Especially the entertainment industry, drug industry, entertainment industry.
Guest:What's the difference?
Guest:Let's do the traffic report.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Traffic report, Enrique in the sky.
Guest:¿Qué pasa?
Guest:Estamos at a 405.
Guest:Okay, you're at the 405.
Guest:What's happening?
Guest:Hay mucho cari.
Guest:What did he say?
Guest:Lots of cars.
Guest:Okay, that was the 405.
Guest:And the weather report.
Guest:Let's go to Maria Jose, the sexy weather lady.
Guest:Did you just make her up?
Guest:No, she has existed in my mind for years.
Marc:Okay, let's go to Maria Jose.
Guest:Oh, yeah.
Hay mucho nieve.
Guest:What did she say?
Guest:There's going to be a lot of snow.
Marc:Have you ever slept with her?
Guest:I have tried.
Guest:Yeah, nothing?
Guest:I have tried.
Guest:Yeah?
Guest:Yes.
Guest:And she won't do it?
Guest:She will not sleep with me.
Guest:Why?
Guest:We can have sex.
Guest:Uh-huh.
Guest:Because she is an insomniac.
Guest:Oh.
Guest:So...
Guest:That feels like it was a joke written by Mr. Red Buttons, who is someone I know.
Marc:You do?
Marc:You know Red Buttons?
Guest:I know all the old great American comedian, Shecky Green.
Marc:You know, I'm trying to get in touch with Shecky Green.
Guest:I have Shecky Green's number.
Guest:You do?
Guest:It's 607 Riverside.
Guest:What is that?
Guest:That's his number.
Marc:Alan King gave it to me.
Marc:Oh, Alan King passed away.
Marc:Shecky Green's the only one that's still alive.
Marc:Yes.
Marc:Yeah, I'm surprised you know so many old Jewish comedians.
Guest:Yes, of course.
Guest:That was how I spent my time.
Marc:How's that?
Guest:When I first came to the U.S., I was a member of the Friars Club.
Guest:Were you?
Guest:Yes, and by that I meant I would wash their dishes.
Marc:Of course.
Marc:But they were very nice to you?
Guest:No.
Guest:They were terrible old racist men.
No.
Marc:But I think you're a little racist if I'm not mistaken.
Marc:Yes.
Marc:Have you ever thought about doing anything in America, like any television or anything?
Guest:Yes, of course.
Guest:I want to be on who wants to be a millionaire.
Marc:You want to be on that?
Guest:Yes.
Marc:You think you could answer those questions?
Marc:Sure.
Marc:Do you have friends that you could call?
Guest:Uh-huh.
Marc:Like, let's say here, I'll give you a question.
Marc:Okay.
Marc:And then you have to go and you have to answer it or else.
Marc:Call a lifeline.
Marc:Yeah, right, a lifeline.
Marc:Mm-hmm.
Marc:Where was Marc Maron born?
Guest:And then the way this works is it's a multiple choice.
Marc:Oh, I'm sorry.
Marc:A, Albuquerque, New Mexico.
Marc:Okay.
Marc:B, Los Angeles, California.
Marc:Okay.
Marc:C, New York, New York.
Marc:Okay.
Marc:Or D, Jersey City, New Jersey.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:So I'm going to call my lifeline.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And that is my baby.
Guest:That's cocaine.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:A baby.
Guest:¿Qué pasa, baby?
Guest:¿Qué pasa, baby?
Guest:Hola, you saw your baby.
Guest:Okay, you're a baby.
Guest:We know that.
Guest:Okay, baby.
Guest:The question is, where was Mark Myron born?
Guest:A, Albuquerque, New Mexico.
Guest:B, Los Angeles, California.
Guest:C, New York, New York.
Guest:D, New Jersey, Newark, New Jersey?
Guest:Jersey City.
Guest:Jersey City, New Jersey.
Guest:Baby, what did you think?
Guest:Okay, he doesn't think you were someone who was born in Los Angeles.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:I don't think it was New York, New York, because it was demasiado un estereotipo que una persona así que está de New York un puto judío de mierda.
Guest:He said he doesn't think you're from New York, New York, because that would be too stereotypical for a piece of shit Jew to be from New York, New York.
Guest:Okay, yeah, okay.
Guest:Los dos son lugares muy patéticos que se puede creer un persona así que está muy, muy...
Guest:What's he saying?
Guest:He's crashing from cocaine, I think, right now.
Guest:Dame un minuto.
Guest:Dame un minuto.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:Okay, pues, it's Albuquerque, New Mexico.
Guest:Oh, he's saying, okay.
Guest:He asked for a second.
Guest:He snorted a little cocaine.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And he now says that it is Albuquerque, New Mexico.
Marc:I lived in Albuquerque, but was born in Jersey City, Missouri.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:Look at that.
Guest:But it was fun playing.
Guest:It was fun playing.
Guest:Okay, baby, how are you doing?
Guest:Uh-oh.
Guest:Uh-oh, I can... Those are the bubbles of a mouth that is filled with a cocaine overdose.
Guest:Oh, that is so sad.
Marc:Why does a baby have to die on my show?
Marc:Oh, my God.
Guest:Oh, the baby's drowning now.
Guest:What was a baby doing cocaine in a bathtub?
Guest:I...
Marc:Maybe the baby wasn't born yet.
Marc:Oh.
Guest:Someone stuck a microphone up beside the lady.
Guest:That's right.
Guest:I tried to do that once.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:It was not received well.
Guest:No, it wasn't.
Marc:But did you get it on tape?
Guest:Yes.
Guest:You want to go to that?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Can we go to the tape of, this is hilarious because I didn't even know we had this clip.
Marc:This is Chupacabra.
Marc:I believe, if I read your bio correctly, this was during a show you had a porn star on.
Marc:You were doing the interview.
Guest:A porn star who was pregnant.
Marc:Yeah, and she did not, she wasn't really into this, but you figured that, you know, you talked her into it.
Marc:Yeah, I think the clip will speak for itself.
Guest:At that point, I was known as the Howard Stern of Los Angeles.
Marc:Yeah, okay, so let's go to that clip.
Guest:Go, go, go.
Guest:What do you say?
Guest:Say, go, go, go.
Guest:I'm a baby.
Guest:That is inside of a porn star.
Guest:Get right up in there.
Marc:Well, I got to be honest, it's been great seeing you.
Guest:It's been great to see you too, McMurdo.
Marc:And I think we, you know, from the last time, I think we learned a lot more about you.
Guest:Yes.
Marc:And you're a little, you have a richer private life.
Marc:Sure.
Marc:Than anyone would have assumed.
Guest:That's the hope.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:That's the point of coming out.
Guest:To the show.
Marc:Yeah, that's what we do at this show.
Guest:To build a bigger brother audience.
Marc:Yeah, did you want to plug your station?
Guest:I would like to plug my station.
Guest:Please, when you're in your car and you're sick of listening to ump radio or you're sick of listening to pop music that you claim to hate but I listen to over and over and you don't want to hear home companion because that wall-eyed maniac is not a clever person but just an old fat man.
Guest:Or you don't want to listen to other things, change it to the Latin radio station.
Guest:When you come here, hear me.
Guest:Thank you.
Marc:Okay, folks, that's our show.
Marc:Thank you for stopping by and listening.
Marc:Thank you for utilizing my mind for your run or your drive or your train ride.
Marc:I just hope that whatever just happened with you was made better by listening to me.
Marc:That's all.
Marc:And I hope you're getting a little joy out of your life.
Marc:If you want anything WTF related, go to WTF pod dot com.
Marc:You can get your just coffee dot co-op fix.
Marc:You can follow us on Twitter.
Marc:You can email me.
Marc:I am reading the email still.
Marc:There are more coming in, but I'm trying to keep up.
Marc:I can't get back to all of you.
Marc:If you want anything comedy related news or otherwise, go to punchwine magazine dot com.
Marc:And dig that.
Marc:Again, thank you, El Chupacabra.
Marc:And thank you, Bob Fingerman.
Marc:And thank you, Washington.
Marc:And thank you, people who came out to see me in Washington and Cleveland.
Marc:It really is, I'm very grateful and I'm very happy that you're coming out and you're enjoying the show.
Marc:So please, try to wrench a little joy out of your lives for yourself.
Marc:Talk to you next time.
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