Episode 57 - Jon Dore / Greg Fitzsimmons / Jim / Eddie
Guest:Lock the gates!
Marc:Are we doing this?
Marc:Really?
Marc:Wait for it.
Marc:Are we doing this?
Marc:Wait for it.
Marc:Pow!
Marc:What the fuck?
Marc:And it's also... Eh, what the fuck?
Marc:What's wrong with me?
Marc:It's time for WTF!
Guest:What the fuck?
Guest:With Mark Maron.
Yeah!
Guest:Oh, shit.
Guest:How's it going, what the fuckers?
Guest:Welcome to a live broadcast of What the Fuck at the UCB Theater in Los Angeles, California.
Guest:How are you?
Marc:Everybody good?
Marc:My mailman's here again.
Marc:You're going to become a recurring character, but you're going to have to wear the outfit if you keep coming.
Marc:I've got presents for everybody so we can get the plugs out before we go.
Marc:I've got whatthefuckroastjustcoffee.coop.
Marc:Oh, it's like a bouquet at a wedding.
Marc:I got another one.
Marc:Anybody?
Marc:Oh, shit.
Marc:Nice try.
Marc:I have two What the Fuck t-shirts.
Marc:Oh, wait, wait, wait.
Marc:They're nerd cock shirts.
Marc:Still want them?
Marc:It takes a real fucking man or woman to wear a nerd cock shirt.
Marc:You know...
Marc:I thought it was such a great idea, the nerd cock shirt, until someone said, where the fuck do we wear this?
Marc:Like, I thought, like, the idea of nerd cock was so powerful to me, because it represents a larger idea.
Marc:But, I mean, just a guy going to the gym wearing a nerd cock shirt.
Marc:Like, I got emails from people, they're like, I don't, you know, I don't know how to explain this, really.
Yeah.
Marc:And I said, I don't know.
Marc:You're just going to have to rough it out.
Marc:Just turn around and show them the WTF pod on the back, and that'll help out.
Marc:Let me plug that, too.
Marc:If you're listening out there, not in the room, go to WTF pod and get yourself a shirt.
Marc:So thanks for coming, you guys.
Marc:I just got back from Scotland, and my bowels are just now getting back to normal.
Marc:I don't mean to be graphic or weird, but I have to kick a sausage addiction.
Marc:Do you know what they fucking eat for breakfast?
Marc:I already talked about this, but I can't get it out of my head, the amount of meat I had to ingest out of necessity in the morning in Scotland.
Marc:And I didn't have to eat it, but I kind of did.
Marc:And then I started to think about Scotland, because I was there for like five days, and I really became, I decided that they are probably the best people in the world.
Marc:And I hated them before I got there.
Marc:And, like, I became enamored with the Scots because, like, I decided that America, that we don't really think we're going to die, ever.
Marc:And I decided that the Scots know they're going to die.
Marc:And that that's what makes them great.
Marc:I mean, how can you eat that shit for breakfast every day, not knowing that, like, I'm just going to kill myself with this?
Marc:And they've got this beautiful cemetery right up on the hill that, like, overlooks the entire town, almost like, that's where we're going.
LAUGHTER
Marc:I thought that was good.
Marc:I enjoyed Scotland.
Marc:I also wanted to bring to your attention these fucking boots.
Marc:Am I right?
Marc:This is my second pair of Red Wing gentleman traveler boots.
Marc:I have another pair in red that I became just completely enamored with, and I'm like, I've got to get another fucking pair of these as soon as possible.
Marc:Have you ever had that feeling where you need to buy something like you need drugs?
Marc:I literally got online.
Marc:I googled Red Wing stores in Los Angeles because I was in a panic, and I'm calling Red Wing stores like, do you have black gentleman travelers?
Marc:And they're like, no, and I'm like, why not?
Marc:What kind of Red Wing store is this?
Marc:And I kept calling and I found one in Chinatown.
Marc:And this is one of those stories where I have to really think about whether or not I'm racist.
Marc:But isn't racism like, you know, I hate you because you're that way.
Marc:Isn't that racism?
Marc:Racism is not just sort of like, are you going to fuck me because you're that way?
Marc:I mean...
Marc:Do you know what I'm saying?
Marc:Isn't racism like hating another ethnicity or group of people because they are that?
Marc:Whereas it's not racism, it's just stereotyping paranoia when you say, please don't act Chinese.
Marc:I don't even know what that means, but that's what happened.
Marc:I went to Chinatown, to the Red Wing store down there.
Marc:There's one in Chinatown, which is an excellent Red Wing store.
Marc:And the reason I've become enamored and completely obsessed with Red Wings is that you can go into a Red Wing store.
Marc:They have a lifetime... They're not sponsoring the show, by the way.
Marc:But they have a lifetime guarantee.
Marc:You can bring them into any Red Wing store.
Marc:They will replace it, anything that's a manufacturing defect, and give you new laces if you just bring them in there.
Marc:And the best thing, they'll oil them.
Marc:How great is that?
Marc:I feel like I actually have a job when I wear these things.
Marc:So... Like, I'm just looking forward to where I have to go get my boots oiled.
Marc:Yeah, I've been working pretty hard.
Marc:Better give these an oil, and... These look new.
Marc:Shut up.
Marc:I've been working hard.
Marc:But I go to Chinatown to buy the boots, and he's got all these great... He's got every red-winged boot imaginable, and he's like, I'm trying on boots, and he's this little Chinese guy, and I had that moment where I'm like, are these even fucking real?
Yeah.
Marc:Is this some sort of Chinese bootleg Red Wing store?
Marc:Do they know about you?
Marc:How do I know these are real?
Marc:And I was sitting there thinking that.
Marc:And then I thought, like, I know.
Marc:I got the question that'll resolve this.
Marc:I'm like, how long you had the store?
Marc:And the guy goes, 35 years.
Marc:I'm like, you can't be fucking selling bullshit for 35 years.
Marc:You're the real deal.
Marc:And then he started talking about Minnesota and that, like, I'm lucky I got these because they come from Minnesota.
Marc:And now I think he's the best person in the world.
Marc:That's my boot story.
Marc:Another thing I've been talking about that I didn't talk about when it was more topical because I didn't know how to talk about it was I didn't watch the Olympics.
Marc:When I do watch them, I find myself crying and very involved and happy that people are able to do these completely unnecessary activities really well.
Marc:And I find them entertaining.
Marc:But I really got turned off to the Olympics because at the beginning, I watched the opening ceremonies when the luge guy had died.
Marc:And I'm like, well, that just fucks up the entire Olympics for me.
Marc:Not because I was sad about the death of the guy in the luge, but because they kept calling it a tragedy.
Marc:It's not a tragedy, okay?
Marc:This is a guy that got killed because he gets on a sled, feet first, and goes down a chute of ice and tries to go 90 miles an hour.
Marc:And people are like, it's a tragedy.
Marc:How did it happen?
Marc:What was wrong?
Marc:I'll explain.
Marc:He got onto a sled, feet first, and tried to go down a chute of ice 90 miles an hour.
Marc:That's not a tragedy.
Marc:That's a workplace hazard for that guy.
Marc:If he had died any other way, that would have been a tragedy.
Marc:I mean, I would have watched the Olympics if they had all been holding candles and grieving if the guy had slipped in the shower and died.
Marc:because that would have been fucking horrible.
Marc:The fact, it's like, I was talking about this last night with somebody.
Marc:It's just, it's like this idea where it's like, it was horrible.
Marc:It was a hang gliding tragedy accident.
Marc:It's not a fucking accident.
Marc:You're just, you're floating on a kite.
Marc:I'm going to feel bad because you fell out of the sky like a fucking idiot.
Guest:My problem.
Guest:You want to hear about my personal life?
Marc:Yeah?
Marc:I don't think I've told you guys about this.
Marc:You know, I'm not a... I'm not a stripper person.
Marc:I don't go to strip clubs.
Marc:For everybody listening at home, right after I said strip club, I held my water bottle and it ejaculated.
Marc:There was no way I could have done it on purpose.
Marc:And of course, because it happened by accident, it got the biggest laugh of the evening.
Marc:Now, back to the show.
Marc:I don't go to strip clubs.
Marc:I have nothing against them.
Marc:I've only gone to a few in my life.
Marc:And the reason I don't go is that I always believe them.
Marc:So how I'm dating a stripper, I don't quite understand.
Marc:I'll explain to you what happened.
Marc:I met this woman outside of a strip club context, and she said she was a writer.
Marc:And I said, really?
Marc:What do you write about?
Marc:And she said, well, I write about sex work, being a dominatrix, and stripping.
Marc:And I said, why do you write about that?
Marc:She goes, well, that's what I do.
Marc:So somehow I just held on to writer.
Marc:So I'm dating a woman whose job, sometimes, it's to, you know, be on, basically to set up appointments with men with money who may want to be spanked or dress up like a woman or, you know, have a dildo stuck in their ass for an hour.
Marc:See, look at you people.
Marc:People are judging.
Marc:That's honest work.
Marc:Okay?
Marc:And what I don't understand about me is how did I become this guy?
Marc:I mean, when I was younger, I was the kind of guy that if I was dating somebody and they'd go, like, disappear for two hours, they'd come back and be like, who were you fucking?
Marc:What were you doing?
Marc:Were you fucking around with somebody?
Marc:Just fucking tell me.
Marc:Who were you fucking?
Marc:Now I'm the guy that says, how was work?
Okay?
Marc:And it's the same question, really.
Marc:Now, here's the thing that kills me, really, is that, like, I don't know if I'm evolving or just dead inside, but the...
Marc:But I'm not that kinky.
Marc:I'm not weird.
Marc:I just like to have good, deep, normal, satisfying sex.
Marc:I don't really do anything odd or perverse in any way.
Marc:I don't really have any fetishes.
Marc:But if I continue dating this person, how am I not going to end up tied to a bed eventually?
Marc:Just out of curiosity.
Marc:And I know how that'll go.
Marc:I'll just be tied to a bed going, I don't think I'm good with this.
Marc:And she'll be holding a ball gag saying, the safe word is marry me.
Marc:Emails.
Marc:You wanna?
Marc:This one is not real.
Marc:It was an email exchange I had, which is always better, because if some of you follow me on Twitter, you know I'm not beyond getting into stupid fights with people that have 12 fucking followers.
Marc:And there's no winning those fights.
Marc:But this was an email from a guy who fucking... This is all he sent.
Marc:From episode 47, Margaret Cho.
Marc:24 11 at 24 minutes and 11 seconds in then he transcribes it okay this is in quotes marin colon quote like i know crazy people are drawn to me like a magnet because i'm wired and you got to figure you are as well i realized this recently in life that because i grew up with a manic depressive you know with anger problems and completely selfish parents i'm wired to accommodate those people i you know can and he's doing you knows here
Marc:Other people will say, like, that guy's fucking nuts, you know.
Marc:I can have them talking like a normal person and feeling very sort of heard very quickly, and they're drawn to me.
Marc:I have that gift, which is horrible, unquote.
Marc:Okay, then in caps.
Marc:Really?
Marc:Then stop asking us to your shows.
Marc:What the fuck, indeed.
Marc:And yes, I have unsubscribed.
Marc:So I wrote back, I was referring to people that walk up to me in the street or break through my personal boundaries without being considerate, like your email.
Marc:Sorry you thought I was talking about you.
Marc:How fucking crazy is that?
Marc:He spent probably an hour going back, listening to the show, transcribing it to say, then stop talking to me.
Marc:I thought you were my friend.
Marc:What's up, Mark?
Marc:Spell W-A-T-S.
Marc:Dude, I want to start out by saying my name is Josh, I'm in eighth grade, and I fucking love your podcast.
Marc:You are the kind of guy I want to be like someday.
Marc:And then in parentheses, except the Jewish part, I ain't Jewish.
Marc:But anyway, I've been listening for a while, and I already had a fucked up sense of humor, spelled S-E-N-C-E.
Marc:But I think you have refined it, dude.
Marc:You are a comedy god.
Marc:And oh, I can't forget, what the fuck?
Marc:Well, Josh, you anti-Semitic youngster, learn how to spell and good luck with everything.
Marc:Oh yeah, and thanks for listening.
Marc:A what-the-fuck moment.
Marc:I'd like to share subject line.
Marc:Hi, Mark.
Marc:I recently had a what-the-fuck moment, and I thought I would share it with you.
Marc:First of all, I'd like to express the fact that I've always considered myself to be a very open-minded, non-judgmental person, and I really appreciate diversity.
Marc:And generally, I will always help a person in need if I am able to do so.
Marc:Anyway, I was jogging through my predominantly young professional urban neighborhood last night.
Marc:What a fucking setup.
Marc:I mean, like...
Marc:Like, whatever she's gonna say, I kind of resent her already.
Marc:Because she's trying to cover for something, but it's... All right.
Marc:When I was approached by a middle-aged African-American man who was hanging out in front of the neighborhood deli.
Marc:He was dressed sort of poorly in a threadbare flannel shirt.
Marc:Who the fuck has ever used that word?
Marc:I'm not even sure I know what it means.
Marc:Threadbare?
Marc:I like it.
Marc:I feel like it's like a Shakespearean moment for me.
Marc:a pair of dirty jeans and paint-splattered work boots.
Marc:Bet you they're Red Wings.
Marc:As I jogged past him, he approached me and began asking me something.
Marc:However, I was unable to hear what he was saying because I was listening to my iPod.
Marc:I took off my headphones, shrugged my shoulders, and just said, I'm sorry, I don't have any money.
Marc:The look on this man's face quickly went from shock to disgust, and he replied, I don't need any money.
Marc:I asked you where Thurman Avenue is.
Marc:At that moment, all I could do was stand there on the sidewalk and try to sputter out an apology or an explanation or something that could explain why I said what I said.
Marc:Well, I think that's covered in the first half of the paragraph.
Marc:But he quickly walked past me towards his car.
Marc:I felt horrible.
Marc:What the fuck is the matter with me?
Marc:Just because this man wasn't dressed like he just stepped out of an American Imperial ad like the majority of the assholes in my neighborhood, I assume that he's looking for a handout?
Marc:My response came out of my mouth like word vomit.
Marc:I like that.
Marc:And it was horrifying.
Marc:This poor guy just wanted directions, but instead of taking the time to listen to him, my knee-jerk reaction was to evade what I assumed to be a vagrant who was bothering me for money for booze.
Marc:What the fuck?
Marc:This is more like a confession.
Marc:Anyways, I've decided that my penance for this will be a monthly donation to your podcast.
Marc:Hopefully my small monthly contribution will help the podcast keep going and keep my liberal white guilt at bay.
Marc:I hope this finds you in good health and good spirits.
Marc:Signed, Claire.
Marc:Yeah, Claire, it does.
Marc:Could you thank my street team for me?
Marc:Because they are doing great work.
Marc:They've really focused on exactly who my audience is.
Marc:I like these really short ones.
Marc:I got a few short ones.
Marc:I like when people use the word brother because you know it's going to be good.
Marc:Here's a WTF, brother.
Marc:So, I've been crashing with my friends all winter long.
Marc:I'm downstairs watching Neil Young on IFC performing at Ryman Auditorium.
Marc:My friend's wife comes down and says, okay, American Idol's on, and she turns it.
Marc:What the fuck, Maren?
Yeah.
Marc:I don't know, dude.
Marc:I think it's time to find another place to crash, brother.
Marc:Dear Mark, I love your show.
Marc:I really do.
Marc:I like your show so much it almost creeps me out.
Marc:It's kind of a compliment that erases itself.
Marc:My mother used to do that.
Marc:My mother finishes every compliment or positive statement with a question.
Marc:Like, you know, so that's a nice shirt, right?
Marc:Started out good, then something happened right at the end.
Marc:Good or bad, I really feel like we have a lot in common, and I swear to God, sometimes I feel like I'm listening to my own head when I listen to your show.
Marc:Don't worry, I'm not suggesting we become friends or anything.
Marc:After all, if someone was hanging out with you and telling you all the things you were always telling yourself all the fucking time, how long would it be before you just told that person to shut the fuck up?
Marc:I mean, really.
Marc:Well, Bill, I can pretty much guarantee we're not gonna be friends.
Marc:What I get from your show is reassurance.
Marc:Reassurance that there is at least one person out there on the planet that thinks a little like me.
Marc:Twice a week, I know I am not alone.
Marc:Now I need a little help.
Marc:I think I have a pretty good sense of humor, but I seem to piss off more people than I amused.
Marc:Here's an example of a conversation I had with my stepsons, aged 15 and 17.
Marc:Me.
Marc:Is it weird for someone who is 50 to still masturbate?
Marc:Age 15.
Marc:I can't believe you asked us that.
Marc:Age 17.
Marc:I don't think it's weird you masturbate, but I can't believe you would talk to us about it.
Marc:Me.
Marc:Jesus, I'm sorry.
Marc:Did you think I was talking about me?
Marc:I was talking about your mom.
Marc:Oh, my God.
Marc:So how bad is this really?
Marc:Not bad at all.
Marc:I think we've got to tighten this up.
Marc:I got one from a schizophrenic.
Marc:Dear Mark Maron, I want to let you know how much I appreciate your podcast.
Marc:It's always funny and entertaining, but more valuable to me than most things funny and entertaining.
Marc:I'm a schizophrenic, and even though I'm very highly functioning, I can't really connect with people.
Marc:I can interact with people in a professional manner and in an awkwardly polite social way, but that's about it.
Marc:I don't have deep familiar relationships even with my family.
Marc:Without exaggeration, I don't think I ever had a sober conversation which lasted more than three minutes.
Marc:I guess that through your podcast, I am exposed to something absent in my life and incredibly difficult to find in most entertainment media.
Marc:Real people relating to each other in a truthful and sincere way.
Marc:I cannot tell you how much I appreciate being able to listen in on that twice a week.
Marc:I spend all of my time trapped inside my own head
Marc:It's good to have other real, sincere, raw, real, in caps, voices, and perspectives in there with me.
Marc:So thank you to you and Brendan and everybody involved in the show.
Marc:And then it says, now on to the real business.
Marc:I'm a 27-year-old male and cannot grow facial hair.
Marc:Am I really missing out on anything?
Marc:I don't even know what to do with that.
Marc:Okay, I went with this one, because it was very concise, and I thought it was genius.
Marc:Mark, my life needs to change.
Marc:Do you need an assistant?
Marc:All right, let's bring out our first guest.
Marc:He's the host of the John Doerr Show.
Marc:He's from Canada, and I want to get to know him.
Marc:Please welcome John Doerr to the stage.
Thank you.
Marc:Hey, bud.
Marc:Oh, Jesus.
Marc:Are you going to be all right for the 15 minutes?
Marc:You got enough beer?
Guest:It's 15?
Guest:I got to get more.
Guest:I got to get more.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:I thought it was five.
Marc:That's a first, man.
Guest:You were killing out here.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:You shouldn't have guessed.
Guest:Isn't this guy great, everyone?
Guest:This guy great?
Marc:Wow.
Marc:Thank you.
Guest:You were killing.
Marc:I appreciate that.
Marc:You did bring a lot of beer with you, though.
Marc:You brought cigarettes, too, which you can't even smoke in here.
Guest:Are those Nicorette?
Marc:Those are Nicorette.
Marc:Yeah, so we're just advertising that we have an addiction problem, both of us.
Marc:Both of us have things we need, and even if we can't do them in public, just to know that they're here as our friend is important.
Guest:But you gave up, I see, because you're watering Nicorette.
Guest:And commit lozenges.
Guest:What is that?
Marc:These are nicotine lozenges.
Marc:These are the best.
Marc:Because you have no real control over how quickly they dissolve, so you never know when you're going to get sick.
Guest:See, life's not fun when you don't drink anymore, is it?
Guest:No.
Guest:You never know when something's going to dissolve.
Guest:Someone please give me some fun.
Marc:No, life is very fun if you don't drink.
Marc:Because the last conversation we had, remember in Montreal, we spoke for about an hour.
Marc:No, we didn't speak for an hour.
Guest:Exactly.
Marc:See, I had a good time during that conversation.
Guest:Can I tell you?
Guest:What?
Guest:Because we actually don't know each other that well, right?
Guest:All right.
Guest:Well, no, that's true.
Marc:No, it is true.
Marc:And I wanted to say a couple of things before we got started with our first date here.
Guest:So I was going to tell you about our meeting in Montreal.
Guest:Okay, you better do that first.
Guest:The actual meeting.
Guest:Okay, go ahead.
Guest:Because it went like this.
Guest:You said, because we had met once before in Vancouver.
Guest:Do you remember that?
Guest:At a show.
Guest:Yeah, kind of.
Guest:You kind of?
Guest:Okay, well, I was doing a show, and then you came and did a spot on the show.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:Very funny again.
Guest:Isn't this guy hilarious, folks?
Guest:Give it up for this guy.
Marc:I just have a feeling where this is going.
Guest:No, no, no, it's not even a bad thing.
Guest:And then we're in Montreal, and I kind of reintroduced myself, like, hey, Mark.
Guest:And you're like, yeah, you're that guy with the show where there's, like, you got a problem?
Guest:And then I laughed, and you did this.
Guest:You went, what, what?
Guest:And then you kind of walked away.
Guest:Because I, the way I, the reason I laughed was because it sounded, this is how you kind of sound.
Guest:It was like, you have the show where you're a protagonist, and then you're some, you have some conflict.
Marc:so that's why I found that funny so anyway well let me give you the back story on that I saw your show and it's basically you you know kind of you go out into the world and you try to do things that they're going to help the world and help your life and maybe solve some personal problems for you
Guest:Either personal problems with me, yes, or I see a problem in the world and decide to go solve it.
Guest:For instance, like, just to give people an idea in case they've never seen it, which is all of you.
Guest:Is it on TV?
Guest:It's on television, yeah.
Guest:Well, no, it just finished airing on IFC, but anyway, for instance, I may feel like I've been discriminated against, so I go out in the world and I try and end discrimination forever.
Guest:That kind of thing.
Guest:Or I might... Which can be done.
Guest:I...
Guest:if those Arabs didn't get in the way.
Guest:I'm just being serious.
Marc:Or the Chinese boot salesman.
Guest:But anyway, or a personal problem, for instance, if I had a testicle that was undescended when I was born.
Guest:True story.
Guest:And so I decide to go out and find out if I'm fertile because I may want to have kids.
Guest:So it's either a personal problem or a bigger problem.
Guest:Go on.
Marc:Okay.
Marc:See, my issue was two years or maybe three years ago, I pitched that show.
Marc:I know.
Marc:I know you did.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:And when I saw you were doing it, I was like, fuck that guy.
Guest:Right.
Marc:That's my whole thing.
Marc:And then you became that guy to me.
Marc:And it's got nothing to do with you or me.
Marc:It's a personal problem.
Marc:There was a little bit of resentment there, and I want to apologize.
Guest:That's okay.
Guest:Isn't this guy great, everyone?
Guest:Isn't this guy great?
Marc:Wait, let's talk about this undescended testicle.
Marc:How does that happen?
Marc:It just stays up there?
Guest:Yeah, it just stays up there.
Marc:It's a little frightened?
Guest:It's scared.
Guest:I'm not ready yet.
Marc:I can't handle the future.
Guest:I may want to be a vagina.
Guest:It didn't know.
Guest:Mark, testicles don't talk.
Guest:Don't you love this guy?
Guest:Really?
Marc:Yours don't talk?
Marc:A lot of my fans' testicles talk.
Marc:I'm waiting for that email.
Marc:My balls told me that you and I were friends.
Guest:I'll send it to you.
Guest:This guy, isn't this guy, I want to be this guy.
Guest:Except the Jewish part, I'm not a Jew.
Guest:I do want to be this guy.
Marc:So it just doesn't come down, that's the thing?
Guest:Well, it either, okay, well here's, I feel like this is going to be boring as all hell, but I feel like my testicle apparently
Guest:I was told ascended because my mother swears that the doctor... Because the doctor checks.
Guest:Wait, so wait.
Marc:You have a testicle that didn't descend.
Marc:I like talking frankly, and I like the fact that we're using the word testicle, that it's a frank conversation that has a medical tone.
Marc:We're not saying, my ball.
Marc:So I think you should all appreciate that we're having a grown-up conversation about testicles.
Marc:So your testicle...
Marc:It actually... God, I want to suck your nuts.
Guest:No, I don't.
Marc:Grown up.
Marc:It ascended.
Marc:It ran away.
Marc:It was like, I don't like it down here.
Guest:Well, my mother swears because the doctor is supposed to check, of course, if both descend.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:That's what they say.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:So my mom swears that they had both descended.
Marc:Now, why is your mom swears?
Marc:Like, I have been looking at his balls every day.
Marc:My son's balls are both out.
Marc:They're happy.
Marc:And that's that.
Guest:Yes.
Guest:That she tells everyone when they come over for dinner.
Guest:Like a very passionate conversation.
Guest:What's your kid doing?
Guest:He's in play school.
Guest:Yeah, well, my kid's nuts are down.
Guest:I swear it.
Marc:That must be a Canadian thing.
Marc:That doesn't happen here a lot.
Guest:Don't get into that, please.
Okay.
Guest:Well, no, because I asked my mom, because I'm curious to know, well, why did I have to have this operation?
Guest:And she said, well, you had an ascended testicle.
Guest:But now I talk to one of the doctors I've talked to over the course of doing our television show, and you find out a lot from it.
Guest:You should have thought of it.
Guest:It doesn't hurt, does it?
Guest:It's not the exact same show.
Guest:It can't be.
Guest:Get on with this story.
Okay.
Guest:So anyway, my mom swears that one ascended, but then doctors say, no, they can't ascend.
Guest:But your balls are okay.
Guest:Yeah, they're fine.
Guest:The testicle undescended.
Guest:All right, that's what doctors say.
Marc:Let's give his balls a round of applause.
Marc:So I think you're an attractive man for a comedian.
Marc:Yep.
Marc:Oh, yeah.
Marc:Which I probably had a little resentment about, too.
Marc:But I'm glad you're doing well.
Guest:Why are you mad?
Guest:You're like a six.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Well, actually, to women who want to resolve their father issues, I'm a 10.
Guest:All right.
Marc:Out of... Come see Professor Marin during office hours.
Marc:Got a couple groans on that one.
Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:Okay, so I'm a good-looking guy, you're saying.
Marc:No, but you're Canadian, which is fine.
Marc:Oh, okay, yeah.
Marc:There's been some Canadian funny people.
Marc:I am Canadian, yeah.
Marc:But I don't know what you get up there.
Marc:Because Canadian comics, it seems to me, I don't want to generalize, but a lot of them are fairly pleasant people.
Marc:I find Canadians to be, they're not dark and weird and fucked up.
Guest:You're right, fuckface.
Guest:We're very pleasant.
Marc:Is it because of the healthcare?
Marc:Is it because nothing's wrong up there?
Guest:I don't like to talk about... I just don't like to reinforce stupid stereotypes or talk about comedy in general.
Guest:What do you mean?
Guest:What kind of comedy do you like?
Guest:Well, most Canadian comics...
Guest:Live in igloos.
Guest:Stupid.
Guest:No, no, no, no.
Guest:What were you asking about Canadian comics?
Marc:What kind of comedy did you like growing up?
Guest:Oh, in general?
Guest:Not even.
Guest:I like everything.
Guest:I mean, I grew up on Kids in the Hall, one of my favorites.
Guest:You know, Mr. Show.
Guest:Probably the two most influential TV shows, but like...
Guest:Letterman.
Guest:Steve Martin was probably my favorite.
Guest:I don't like prop comedy.
Guest:That's one thing.
Guest:I don't get very passionate about anything when it comes to comedy.
Guest:I think you should be able to laugh about whatever you want to laugh about.
Guest:But just prop comedy drives me nuts.
Guest:Really?
Guest:No, no.
Guest:Fuck you.
Guest:I'm not joking.
Guest:I'm serious, okay?
Guest:Have you ever seen prop comedy?
Guest:Sure, I have.
Guest:It drives me nuts!
Marc:For those of you listening at home, John Doerr just broke a beer bottle over his head, and it now is wet in the head.
Marc:The joke being that he doesn't like prop comics, yet he did a prop piece himself.
Marc:Now, back to the show.
Guest:Oh, I didn't even think of that.
Marc:I didn't even think of that part.
Marc:It's a radio kind of thing.
Guest:That was an $18 joke.
Guest:What did you pay to get in?
Marc:It's funny you talk about prop, because I had this conversation with these radio guys in Cleveland, because I'm going to Cleveland on Monday, and they bring up prop... Is this a real one?
Guest:I wish I had all prop beer bottles.
Marc:You kept doing it again?
Guest:Just every time, yeah.
Marc:But the weirdest thing was, I've been doing this a long time, and there's not that many prop comics anymore, and yet some people still want to shit on Carrot Top for whatever reason, like it's important.
Guest:I think it's great.
Marc:I don't care one way or the other anymore, but there was a period there where lines were drawn, where it's like,
Marc:I'm a real comic.
Marc:That guy has things in a bag that he pulls out.
Guest:Right.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:But I talked to this guy.
Marc:I used to have to open for Prof Comics when I was younger.
Marc:And there used to be this dude who worked in the Bay Area named Denny Johnston, I think was his name.
Marc:And he...
Marc:had a Stretch Armstrong doll and he had things that he'd used in his act.
Marc:And I gotta be honest with you, as much contempt as anyone might have towards prop comics, to be on a show with them and see them have to reload their suitcase in between shows...
Marc:it's not easy for them either.
Marc:Put the doll head back on.
Marc:It's a very touching moment.
Guest:And I want to be clear, like, genuinely, I have no problem with prop comedy.
Guest:I actually do enjoy it.
Guest:And that was, you know... Oh, really?
Guest:Yeah, I have no problem with it.
Guest:Why not?
Marc:I mean, we're all... Are you afraid that you're going to affect the prop comedy?
Marc:What's that?
Marc:Are you afraid that, like, there might be a couple of guys out there?
Guest:Well, yeah.
Guest:I wouldn't want to offend anyone.
Guest:Really?
Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest:Why would I want to offend anyone if I didn't... Because it feels good.
Guest:To offend...
Marc:Haven't you ever offended a room full of people and you have that moment where they're like, ugh, and you're like, oh, I'm free.
Guest:Yeah, but that's me.
Guest:But that would be me deliberately trying to do it, and it's got something to do with me.
Guest:It's got nothing to do with someone else.
Guest:I wouldn't just say I don't like you because you find that interesting.
Guest:Oh, I get what you're saying.
Marc:Because for me, if I'm on stage and I know I'm doing a joke that might really fucking alienate everybody or make everybody really uncomfortable, and then it does, that moment where nothing is being said, you are so alone.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:I love that moment.
Marc:And sometimes I just like to sit in it.
Marc:Yeah, because no one knows what's going to happen.
Marc:You were just in charge.
Marc:Now they don't like you.
Marc:And the longer you hold the moment, the weirder it fucking gets.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:And then they start looking at each other.
Marc:And then generally, you've got two ways to go.
Marc:You try to get them back or you cry.
Guest:Mm-hmm.
Guest:So it undescended, and the point is it could have cooked in my abdominal cavity.
Guest:Therefore, what we did was, well, it's possible.
Guest:It happens.
Guest:How do we get back to this?
Guest:And I believe you led me into it with silence.
Guest:You said there's a silent moment.
Guest:But anyway, so I could cook in my stomach.
Guest:So I went on this journey to find out if I was on the show that you thought of.
Guest:And so we find out in the end that I am fertile.
Guest:But before we actually go and talk to a fertility doctor, I've got to find out, well, do I want to have kids?
Guest:So I talk to a daycare worker.
Guest:And then when I find out, I have to deliver a sample.
Guest:I say, hold on a second, better go talk to a priest, so interview a priest about masturbation.
Guest:Did he help you?
Guest:Whether or not it's a sin.
Guest:He jerked me off pretty good, yeah.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Pretty good, eh?
Marc:Apparently that's the secret sacrament, that a lot of them do that.
Marc:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Marc:It's the unspoken one.
Guest:It's part of the priesthood.
Guest:They run their own little fertility clinic, don't they?
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:John, it was a pleasure having you.
Marc:Thank you for being here.
Guest:Is that it?
Guest:Oh, thank you so much, Mark.
Guest:You stay here.
Guest:John Doerr, ladies and gentlemen.
Guest:Thanks, everybody.
Guest:Are you good?
Guest:You feel all right?
Guest:I feel great.
Guest:You got enough beer?
Guest:Yeah, I got enough beer.
Guest:Does anyone want a beer, by the way?
Guest:Do you want one?
Guest:Oh, here.
Guest:Come get it.
Marc:Okay, so let's... Oh, my God.
Guest:You're drunk.
Guest:You can't have one.
Guest:Do you see that?
Marc:John just offered a woman in the audience a beer, and when she got up on stage leaning in, he taunted her with it and moved it away, making her look like a craven animal.
Marc:But she got the beer and she's proud.
Guest:Cheers, bud.
Marc:Right now, it's my pleasure on some level to bring out someone who apparently felt a need on his podcast.
Marc:Now, I want you to know that this is the only guest I've had.
Marc:I did his show.
Marc:He had just done his radio show and then we recorded his podcast and recorded mine back to back.
Marc:But I was in his place and it was uncomfortable and he yelled at me a lot for no fucking reason at all.
Marc:And then he guest hosted Adam Carolla's show, I think, last week.
Marc:And I got five emails saying that he said something about me.
Marc:And I've known him a long time, and I genuinely like this person.
Marc:But I think he needs help.
Marc:I think there's a little man inside that's crying.
Marc:And the big man in charge is yelling.
Marc:And I am a specialist in that particular syndrome.
Marc:So please welcome, from Fitz Dog Radio, Greg Fitzsimmons, ladies and gentlemen.
Thank you.
Marc:Hi, Greg.
Marc:Hi, how are you?
Marc:Nice to see you.
Guest:Establish contact early.
Guest:I remember reading that.
Guest:John Bradshaw.
Guest:Do you?
Guest:Yes.
Guest:Maniacal eye contact with early physical contact.
Marc:How's your wife?
Marc:How's your wife and kids?
Marc:Good?
Guest:Take it inside his home.
Marc:They okay?
Marc:Your career's going well, right?
Marc:You're writing a book.
Guest:See, you fucked up.
Guest:You brought him out first, and we established you're the problem.
Guest:You should have brought me out first.
Guest:Started with a clean slate, some hope, some possibility that you're good now.
Yeah.
Marc:Well, I didn't tell them what you said yet.
Marc:Oh, okay.
Guest:Sorry.
Marc:Now, I've known Greg for probably 20 years.
Marc:Can you do that joke I used to like?
Guest:See, this is it.
Guest:What?
Guest:You're not even... What?
Guest:Just do it.
Guest:Just be mean.
Guest:Don't do the John Lennon meets patchouli oil and Bukowski and then he backends the insult.
Guest:Just say the insult.
Marc:What?
Marc:What was that?
Marc:That was a string of descriptions that made no fucking sense.
Marc:I'm not going to let you out.
Marc:I'm saying you're passive aggressive.
Guest:You cloak yourself in these Bay Area liberal hippie fucking... Oh, so this is your style?
Marc:You just list adjectives and references until something hits.
Marc:You throw a bunch of shit against the wall.
Marc:You break me down to some sort of cultural stereotype.
Marc:Well, it's eclectic, like your fashion.
Marc:And you feel like you're saying something.
Marc:The button-down shirt.
Marc:What the fuck are you?
Guest:What are you, a little old Irish guy?
Guest:No, it's St.
Guest:Patrick's Day.
Guest:You told me to wear a hat.
Guest:That's fucked up.
Guest:Don't put
Guest:that on me you fucking said wear a cap and we'll do the St.
Guest:Patrick's Day thing well you're an idiot because St.
Guest:Patrick's Day was yesterday wasn't it well when did your podcast is so old I just figured what are you talking about it goes back in time right how are you gonna get out of that one you break the time space continuum I told you to wear a hat on St.
Marc:Patrick's Day and today is clearly not you said we're gonna do jokes about St.
Guest:Patrick's Day wear an Irish cap and then you fucking make jokes about my hat that's absurd that's insane
Guest:I wasn't listening, but it's good.
Marc:So let's just try to render it down to what the problem is.
Guest:I guess what I'm saying is that you did that.
Guest:He brings up a joke.
Guest:When I started out in Boston... It's a great joke.
Guest:Fuck you.
Guest:Fuck you.
Guest:When I started out in Boston...
Guest:I was a guy who worked... I worked both sides of the plate.
Guest:There were the cross-comedy... What kind of plate was it?
Guest:Well, I guess if you want to take a shit on the metaphor halfway through, then we won't know what it means, will we?
Marc:Usually it turns on... Your metaphors can go on a long time and not necessarily hit ground.
Guest:I was able to work the rooms like Mark and David Cross and the alternative before it was called alternative rooms.
Marc:But those rooms didn't even exist then.
Marc:This was before that.
Guest:Well, Cross Comedy did exist then because you did it and I did it and it was around.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:But I also would go to Nick's Comedy Stop and tell dick jokes to people where I actually made money and paid my rent.
Marc:We both were able to work both rooms.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:So now the metaphor works for you.
Okay.
Guest:I'm going to go have a cigarette.
Guest:That's... That's all it takes?
Guest:Yeah, I'm going to come back, because this is good.
Guest:So, let's do the... I thought you were passive-aggressive.
Guest:The point being, I accrued a couple of bits I'm not proud of today.
Guest:I look back on, and you know, they were grenades I had in my belt for when I needed them in a fucking saloon room in Boston in front of a bunch of union workers.
Guest:And then you pull it up 20 years later, like somehow...
Marc:This is not the point.
Marc:See, you are getting defensive.
Marc:I thought it was an adorable joke.
Marc:You're full of shit.
Marc:No, I'm not.
Marc:Why do you assume that about me?
Guest:I'm 43 and it's a blowjob joke.
Guest:Where does adorable find its way into that?
Marc:Do you want me to do the joke?
Marc:Do it.
Marc:I can't remember it.
Guest:Can I ask a question?
Guest:I don't just know how vocal I'm supposed to be.
Guest:Is there an ounce of truth to this?
Guest:There's a genuine kind of... Tension?
Guest:So you truly feel like he's bringing it up for... Well, here, let me tell you what happened on Corolla's show.
Marc:And we talked about it.
Marc:And I was not satisfied with your explanation.
Guest:That's fine.
Guest:I got like three or four emails from people who said... I was seven on the phone last week, four during my intro, and now just two or three.
Guest:Interesting.
Guest:Whatever.
Guest:Well, no, whatever.
Guest:It's a big fucking charge that I'm blasphemous of the Marc Maron... Under 10.
Marc:Okay.
Guest:Now it's under 10.
Marc:See, this is the kind of radio you do.
Marc:Is that controversial, whatever just happened?
Marc:Your fucking math?
Guest:Here's why you can't win against you, Marc.
Guest:Oh, really?
Guest:You can't?
Guest:No.
Guest:Oh, good.
Guest:No, it's a martial art.
Guest:You deconstruct everybody into a compartment.
Guest:Like, Mark could see Stephen Wright and go, oh yeah, he's doing that thing where you just fucking say funny things that aren't connected.
LAUGHTER
Guest:Everything is he's doing that thing.
Guest:And now you're trying to say that about my radio show that I'm doing that kind of radio.
Guest:No, I'm doing exactly what I do on stage, on a radio show, and on a podcast.
Guest:And I never actually step back and describe it or try to shape it.
Guest:I try to just let it come from the inside.
Marc:That's what I do.
Marc:I don't hurt people.
Guest:Yes, you do.
Guest:This gentleman right here, you... I was hurt a bit.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Guest:It's like moments ago.
Guest:That will be denied.
Guest:That will be denied like the 6th, 7th, and 8th emails.
Guest:No, you're right.
Guest:And my relationship with Mark is very new, where now I'm looking into the future.
Guest:Get used to it.
Guest:Get used to it.
Guest:Now, Mark, I truly... You said I stole your TV show idea, which I did not.
Marc:I didn't say that.
Marc:I said I pitched the same thing and I was sad that you were able to do it.
Guest:Oh, you're such a John Lennon Patool.
Guest:I gotta remember what I was... You gotta get four of them out in two seconds.
Guest:That way people can't really see if they make sense.
Marc:You guys just misunderstand me.
Guest:It's like a collage.
Marc:Okay, so here's what he said.
Marc:At some point during a conversation...
Marc:In the podcast, he said, yeah, Marc Maron, not a good guy.
Marc:Don't like him.
Marc:Like to talk to him sometimes.
Marc:All right.
Guest:Point of order, point of order, point of order.
Guest:Have you listened to the podcast which is available?
Guest:No.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:But you're going to quote from it.
Guest:I'm just asking you.
Guest:But isn't there context?
Guest:Here's the context of it.
Marc:Okay, wait, wait, wait, wait, no, no.
Marc:We've had this conversation before.
Marc:Okay, any context that you make available to me right now,
Guest:How can you win when before you answer, you do a lap around my answer, pissing on it.
Marc:You circled my answer that has not yet been vocalized.
Marc:Not a good guy, don't like him, like talking to him.
Guest:It's like that old joke, let me finish.
Guest:It's the opposite of let me finish.
Guest:It came off a question.
Marc:One of your... Oh, so that makes it okay?
Marc:One of your fans... So the answer to the question was... Okay, I'm sorry.
Marc:Can I finish?
Guest:One of your fans, who are a lovely group of people, it's nice to see a hundred people that probably still have library cards.
Marc:One of your fans called in... I'm sorry, I don't have fans that can't fucking read.
Marc:Okay.
Guest:No, you didn't.
Guest:What's sadder is you have fans and you can't download.
Guest:Because if you had, you would have heard that it came off a question.
Guest:One of your fans called in and said, what's going on?
Guest:Do you hate Marc Maron?
Guest:And I said, Marc's one of my favorite people in the world.
Guest:If there were 100 people at a party, he'd be the first person I'd walk up to and talk to.
Guest:He interests me.
Guest:He's compelling.
Guest:He's honest.
Guest:He's raw.
Guest:But he's not a good person.
I love you.
Guest:And that's like word for word of what I said.
Guest:And in your shame spiral, you mitigated all the compliments and your Jew laser vision found the little piece of shame and you fucking latched onto it and went down with it.
Guest:Not enough to make you get up and download it, but enough to keep reading emails from people.
Guest:Two, seven, who knows next week how many it'll be.
Guest:Isn't Greg great, everybody?
Guest:Isn't this guy great?
Thanks very much.
No, no.
Marc:He's not going anywhere.
Marc:But you see what you just did?
Marc:You just rallied the troops.
Marc:They all got a good laugh at my expense, which I enjoy.
Marc:With the truth.
Guest:Whatever the fucking truth is, you did exactly what my mother did.
Guest:Whatever the truth is.
Guest:That's like fucking Rush Limbaugh going into it.
Guest:All that matters is opinions.
Marc:Oh, now I'm Rush Limbaugh?
Marc:Wait.
Marc:No.
Marc:But I told the truth.
Marc:Listen to me.
Marc:Wait.
Marc:Okay.
Marc:I appreciate the truth.
Marc:All right.
Marc:I appreciate that.
Marc:All right.
Marc:That's very nice of you to tell the truth and give me the context.
Guest:Okay?
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:I'm glad I'm one of your favorite people.
Marc:You are.
Marc:I'm glad you love talking to me at parties.
Marc:That's all very good.
Marc:But you see what he did?
Marc:He's like, great guy, love him, but he's Hitler.
Marc:Hitler.
Marc:No, I'm not saying that.
Guest:But I'm just saying that what you did is you did exactly... There's a lot of spread between Hitler and not a good guy.
Marc:Let me get to the point.
Marc:Let me get to the point.
Marc:Let me get to the point.
Marc:Is that my problem was, the shame spiral was not the shame spiral.
Marc:It was like, I understood when we talked on the phone, you're like, hey, I work without a filter.
Marc:And I understand that.
Marc:I do as well.
Marc:But all those nice things you said were still buttoned with the fact that you said, not a good guy.
Marc:And my problem with that is, not a good person?
Guest:I said, but he's not a good person.
Marc:Oh, that's different.
Guest:Yeah, I mean, I didn't want it to be sexist.
Guest:I mean, when I was writing it, I really, you know, I polished it.
Marc:But you know I'm a good guy.
Marc:Why did you say something like that about me?
Guest:You're not a good... Look, anyone can be a good guy.
Guest:I'm not interested in good... You're a horrible little man.
Marc:You're a horrible little man.
Marc:You are.
Marc:You do nothing but push and push and push until people break down.
Marc:And I know that for you to call me not a good guy... But why little?
Why little?
Guest:That's where... Oh, I'm sorry.
Marc:I was telling the truth.
Guest:The truth is the national average, and I've looked it up online, is 5'8".
Guest:I'm 5'8".
Guest:I'm exactly the national average.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:You're as tall as my mother.
Marc:That's the truth.
Guest:But, no, here's what I'll say.
Guest:I don't, in my agenda of what I find compelling in people, nice isn't even on it.
Guest:I don't care about politeness.
Marc:So now you're saying that you like me because I'm not a good guy.
Guest:Wow.
Guest:Just take in the first part.
Marc:I grew up with this shit.
Marc:You're funny.
Marc:You're smart.
Guest:Then you're going to erase it with the punchline.
Guest:You're honest.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:You're not a good guy, Mark.
Guest:You know that.
Guest:Now he's going to try and sell me on it?
Marc:Come on.
Marc:You're an evil little fuck inside.
Marc:I'm just trying to show you you.
Marc:Come on, Mark.
Marc:Let's keep going inside and find that little fucking devil that doesn't give a fuck about anybody and only serves himself.
Marc:He's actually more like Glenn Beck, to be honest with you.
Marc:I'm not like Glenn Beck.
Marc:That's ridiculous.
Guest:Now I'm a bad guy.
Guest:I thought you were going to smoke a fucking cigarette.
Guest:Okay.
Marc:We're kidding.
Marc:We're all going to leave in a minute.
Guest:By the way, it's my favorite thing to do.
Marc:My Canadian friend.
Guest:If you ever meet somebody for the first time and we just met tonight, here's a great, great... We've actually met before.
Guest:Go on.
Guest:Rude thing to say.
Guest:Rude thing to say.
Guest:If it weren't true, that would be rude.
Guest:It would be passive aggressive.
Guest:Can I do Mark?
Guest:Rude thing not to remember.
Guest:Rude thing not to remember.
Guest:Good.
Guest:Little man.
Guest:No.
Guest:He wouldn't have done it with the Howie Mandel twist at the end, though.
Guest:We never met, right?
Guest:Until tonight.
Guest:Yeah, yeah.
Guest:Yeah, so why fucking double back on it?
Guest:Comedy 101.
Marc:This is the UCB.
Marc:Listen to that tone.
Marc:Would you ever hear me talk in that tone?
Marc:Then why fucking double back on it?
Marc:Here's what you do.
Guest:You're right.
Guest:It is Limbaugh.
Guest:It's counter-comedy to do the old... Now we're giving comedy lessons?
Guest:We're at the UCB theater.
Guest:What the fuck else?
Guest:We're not making money.
Marc:See, that's you.
Marc:You see?
Marc:I just saw this horrendous manic Irish horror show just beyond these eyes.
Marc:They're like, hey, you're not a good guy.
Marc:There's like, I don't fuck you.
Marc:Right in there.
Guest:I know I'm angry.
Guest:I admit it.
Marc:Okay.
Guest:You're both very passionate.
Guest:No, but I was... Oh, my God.
Marc:You're great.
Marc:You're like a perfect codependent person.
Guest:I know.
Guest:I'm a really good guy.
Guest:But I just want to come back to... If we had a sitcom, there's no way they wouldn't cast him as the guy with the bedroom in between us.
Guest:Will you guys cast me?
No.
Marc:All right.
Guest:So here's what you do.
Guest:You sit down next to someone you never met before, dinner, party, whatever.
Guest:Sit down.
Guest:Hello, nice to meet you, blah, blah, blah.
Guest:Nice to meet you.
Guest:Look away and then go, guess what state I'm thinking of right now.
Guest:Saskatchewan.
Guest:Wrong.
Guest:Guess again.
Guest:They'll either ask for another seat or you'll have a friend for life.
Guest:And for the audio listeners, I slid my hand directly towards his one ball when he named whatever state it would be.
Guest:It didn't have to be Saskatchewan for this bit.
Guest:For the U.S.
Guest:listeners, that's a place in Canada, I assume.
Marc:I want to say this right now.
Marc:I like you.
Marc:I think you're just as bad a guy as I am.
Guest:I do too.
Guest:I never said I was better.
Marc:That was always my point, is that we're not that much different.
Marc:I don't know why we're fighting.
Guest:Because we're not that much different.
Guest:That's why we need him, Mark.
Marc:Greg Fitzsimmons, ladies and gentlemen.
Marc:Thank you.
Marc:Thanks a lot.
Marc:John Doerr.
Marc:Oh, God, I didn't know where that was gonna go.
Marc:You guys are great.
Marc:I think we resolved something, didn't we?
Marc:No?
Marc:Not really?
Marc:I like him, but I wish I could remember that blowjob joke.
Marc:It was something about... I know he's still here.
Marc:He used to do this joke where he'd be like, I can't remember how you set it up.
Marc:Greg?
Marc:like he's gonna do that.
Marc:It was something about how like, you know, women, they, they, the punchline is like, women give us blowjobs, but you don't know what we're doing while you're giving us the blowjob.
Marc:And he just, he used to go, he used to go.
Marc:He used to go.
Marc:How's that still not funny?
Marc:Greg Fitzsimmons.
Marc:And for those of you listening at home, it was the victory push with both hands, and then he spit his tongue out, and then he smiled.
Marc:Right now, as always, we have two very special guests for the end of the show.
Marc:And first, I'd like to welcome from the David Feldman Comedy Podcast, Mr. Jim Earl, ladies and gentlemen.
Thank you.
Guest:Thank you very much.
Guest:Mark, you forgot to read my intro.
Marc:I'm sorry.
Marc:Ladies and gentlemen, I am so humbled to be in the presence of our next performer.
Marc:He is my idol.
Marc:He is my mentor.
Marc:And yes, he is the winner of the prestigious Emmy Award for Comedy Writing and the Peabody Award for Journalistic Excellence.
Marc:I wish I had read this piece.
Marc:Both of which can be yours for a nominal fee at the end of the show.
Thank you.
Marc:And now, before I bring him on, I'd like to make some weird animal sounds, kind of like a lemur being run over by a Cadillac Escalade.
Marc:Oh, by the way, I hereby renounce my American citizenship and align myself with the terrorist forces of the Taliban.
Marc:Allah Akbar.
Marc:And now, how about a big hand for Jim Earl?
Guest:Thank you.
Guest:Woo, I don't know what the hell that was all about.
Guest:Well, I'd like to bring things down here for the next 30 minutes.
Guest:and read a little poetry from my cafe journal.
Guest:I'm here in Hollywood, and a lot of you people, as well as I, we go to cafe, and we write stuff, and we try to be creative, and this is just a little record of that.
Guest:My cafe journal.
Guest:3 p.m.
Guest:Hail Satan.
Guest:Hail Satan.
Guest:father of lies, demon of hell, Beelzebub, lord of the flies, this will be my day to write.
Guest:Oh, scaly-penised one, help me write the next Seth Rogen vehicle.
Guest:3 p.m.
Guest:Spent $12 on an espresso and a real big cookie they don't allow you to touch while it's still in the jar.
Guest:Now on to writing.
Guest:3.35 p.m.
Guest:Oh, look.
Guest:Looks like Mark's on Facebook again.
Guest:His status updates are always so personal and compelling.
Guest:Yet when you meet the man, there's really nothing there.
LAUGHTER
Guest:What is that all about?
Guest:5 p.m., people are staring.
Guest:I know they can hear what I'm thinking, probably because I'm talking to myself.
Guest:Let go of my cookie, immigrant.
Guest:I'm not through.
Guest:6 p.m.
Guest:God, I hope Mark doesn't invite me up to his place.
Guest:Last thing I need is to sit up there watching Pepitone eat ricotta cheesecake again.
Guest:They just sit there eating cheesecake without even looking at each other.
Guest:Disturbing.
Guest:7 p.m.
Guest:The man at the table across from me has a second face on the back of his head.
Guest:I will name it Jackie.
Guest:Mmm, another mocha.
Guest:7.45 p.m.
Guest:Yesterday, I went back to the meeting place.
Guest:The body's gone.
Guest:I gotta keep better track of this shit.
Guest:11.30 p.m.
Guest:The place is closed and I'm locked in.
Guest:Next time I should come out of the bathroom.
Guest:Still can't write anything, but tonight I will create.
Guest:Mmm, another latte.
Guest:3 a.m.
Guest:Still can't write.
Guest:I wonder if they'll ever get my urine smell out of that big jar of cookies.
LAUGHTER
Guest:3.30 a.m.
Guest:I press my buttocks onto a delicious apple crumb pie and weep the tears of the damned.
Guest:It is good.
Guest:Cathartic.
Guest:3.45 a.m.
Guest:Through a series of complex endocrine injections, I have created woman out of an ordinary Bundt cake.
Guest:and fashioned my own currency from skin flakes and bone chips.
Guest:Now for a scone.
Guest:6 a.m.
Guest:Here I sit upon my throne of urine-soaked croissants.
Guest:and await the onslaught of vermin who dare try to usurp my reign.
Guest:The herbal tea is soothing.
Guest:Final entry, 7.30 a.m.
Guest:I hear them beating on the front door.
Guest:Thank God for fire, at last I am erect.
Guest:Thank you.
Guest:Jim Earl.
Marc:That's beautiful.
Marc:Beautiful.
Marc:You can hear Jim regularly on David Feldman's comedy podcast.
Marc:Fucking genius.
Marc:Now let's bring out genius number two, a joy to all who has ever encountered him.
Marc:We're going to Tempe, you know that?
Marc:He's going to come with me to Tempe, Arizona.
Marc:When is that, Eddie?
Marc:Of what, April?
Marc:Oh, fuck, I can't do that.
Marc:Eddie Pepitone, ladies and gentlemen.
Marc:Hi.
Marc:Hi.
Marc:How are you?
Marc:You want to go up to the big mic?
Marc:You want to do it that way?
Marc:Yeah?
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:Do you need me to... Sounds like a, uh... It was, uh, sorry, everybody.
Guest:It sounds like, uh...
Guest:No, I'm sorry, but little things like that would get me.
Marc:Yeah, I know.
Guest:No, isn't it true that we could keep our shit together like through like, oh, he died of cancer, she died of cancer, and then some fucking cord gets wrapped around and we snap.
Guest:That's how it happens for me.
Guest:all right i'm looking at a guy you look like you're giving up five days in a row driving a truck and that's what i hate when i look into the audience and i see people who are looking at me like they're so dead inside that i'm a happy man i don't know what's going on with you pal you ever get that oh yeah
Guest:We're going on the road together, and it's going to be wild.
Guest:I hope so.
Guest:It's going to be a lot of cheesecake and espresso.
Guest:Two sober guys.
Guest:Give me more cheesecake.
Guest:Give me more cheesecake.
Guest:We can't do anything but eat.
Marc:They're here again.
Guest:Anyway, I just want to talk.
Guest:I'm going to focus in a little bit on Shudder fucking Island.
Marc:I like that movie.
Marc:I just want to interject.
Guest:You did like it?
Guest:I gave it a six.
Guest:Round of applause if you saw it.
Guest:A lot of people saw it.
Guest:What else are you going to do?
Guest:Seriously, what else are we going to do?
Guest:but go and see movies.
Guest:The only other thing available to us is shop.
Guest:You can go and see movies or shop.
Guest:What else can you fucking do?
Guest:Or you can spend time with your significant other, you know, just talking, going, yes, let's make something out of ourselves.
Guest:That's what I do with my significant other.
Guest:We just sit across a table from each other and go, we can do it, baby.
Guest:I know we both don't have incomes right now.
Guest:It's okay.
Guest:I am pretty sure I will be cast as the neighbor on a sitcom before I'm dead.
Guest:I now know I'm not a lead guy.
Guest:I'm not John Cryer or Charlie Sheen, who, by the way, how does Charlie Sheen keep fucking working when he puts knives to women's throats?
Guest:How does he do that?
Guest:He's got a great management team.
Guest:Anyway, no, he must, right?
Guest:Right, Sheen, like he stabbed somebody and his managers at CBS go, no, no, that was fine.
Guest:Charlie's fine, he's fine.
Guest:Hey, look, he's gonna be there early next day.
Guest:John Cryer, when John Cryer talked about Sheen doing that, Cryer was like, oh, he's always so polite on this set.
Guest:It's just a string of women in his car that's not working out.
Guest:But anyway, I go to see Shutter Island because what else is there to do?
Guest:I think they're taking trauma off the air.
Guest:By the way, what a great show that was, wasn't it?
Guest:Trauma?
Guest:Anybody watch that piece?
Guest:It's about people getting blown up.
Guest:And you're supposed to really dig that for fucking entertainment.
Guest:But anyway, I go to see Shutter Island, and here's my thing.
Guest:I want to say this to Scorsese, because I know Scorsese.
Guest:Does he download your fucking thing?
Marc:Of course he does.
Marc:I don't know.
Guest:He's fucking... You, Scorsese, you are a little violent, asthmatic fuck.
Guest:and stop it already with Boston, all right?
Guest:Is this true that Departed and everything is Boston, and in all his movies, everybody's deceiving everybody, like, yeah, you little fuck.
Guest:I'm getting, like, in The Departed, it was like, yeah, you fucking piece of shit.
Guest:I'm a bigger piece of shit than you are.
Guest:And it's just shit swimming in shit.
Guest:and we eat our caramel corn at the Arclight, and we watch this shit, and we're like, what a great fucking movie.
Guest:More scumbags, fucking scumbags, and that was a good night out.
Guest:Wasn't it, honey?
Guest:Because Scorsese, he's a master director.
Guest:Oh, you ever hear people talk about this fuck?
Guest:What a master director.
Guest:Yeah, master director, this little asthmatic fuck.
Guest:Who has probably got the shit beat out of him his whole life.
Guest:Just is like, all right, this is my idea for the film.
Guest:Three guys get a baseball bat and they just beat the shit out of this fucking guy.
Marc:I really can't understand why you don't get work in this town.
Guest:Oh yeah, like Marty Scorsese is the fucking puppet master behind these fucking sitcoms I auditioned for.
Guest:Hey Scorsese, should we hire Pepitone as the neighbor and he's in Tribeca with a cigarette?
Guest:No!
Guest:There's blood dripping down from his respirator that keeps him alive.
Guest:No!
Guest:I want to see that fuck blog about how everything sucks.
Marc:You'd be great in a Scorsese movie.
Guest:I think I'd be great in a Scorsese movie.
Guest:But shut her fucking Scorsese.
Guest:Just fucking give it up.
Guest:And this fucking Leo DiCaprio.
Guest:What the fuck?
Guest:Listen, let me tell you, yeah, yeah, yeah, DiCaprio, you can act, but I know someone who ran into you out of coffee being here, and they said you were very nice, so deal with that, scumbag.
Guest:I don't even understand why I said that.
Guest:I really don't.
Guest:And this whole segment for me with Mark has been a cry for help from day one.
Guest:I don't know what I'm doing anymore.
Guest:I yell.
Guest:And after I do these rants, by the way, I go home and I talk to my girlfriend.
Guest:I'm like, honey, I don't know about being so negative.
Guest:I don't know.
Guest:I really say shit.
Guest:I really say shit like that because I feel like if you fucking bring out negativity, if you bring out all this anger, you know, if you unleash that demon, then it's there all the time.
Guest:Like, I'm driving.
Guest:I'm a terror driving.
Guest:I'm like one of these guys.
Guest:I will not get out and fight you.
Guest:I draw the line there.
Guest:But I will be the guy, bam!
Guest:What the fuck?
Guest:!
Guest:I got nowhere to go.
Guest:And you're fucking taking your time.
Guest:That's what pisses me off.
Guest:If I had somewhere to go, I might not be as angry in the fucking car.
Guest:But I'm in that car with nowhere to go.
Guest:And that's the anger part of it.
Marc:It sounds like you're there everywhere.
Guest:I don't even know what that means.
Guest:Anyway, I just want to say this to Scorsese and all the fucking... I used to be one of those... I'm from New York.
Guest:I don't know if you could tell.
Guest:I used to be one of those New York theater actors.
Guest:Oh, I'm going to do The Wall Gatherer and Key Exchange and fucking John Guare, House of Blue Leafs.
Guest:Suck my cock, New York actors.
Guest:You fucking try to come to this town and get a small part in Transformers 3, which I tried to do last week.
Guest:And they said, oh, you're an effeminate manservant.
Guest:And then at the last minute, they go, oh, and do it with the German accent.
Guest:Fuck you.
Guest:I don't need that.
Marc:Did you try?
Guest:I tried.
Guest:It came out French.
Guest:And they laughed at me.
Guest:They laughed at me.
Guest:But you think I give a shit?
Guest:I walk with my head held low no matter what happens.
Guest:My head is held low no matter what happens.
Guest:Oh, boy, these rants really take a lot out of me.
Marc:You want to sit down?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:All right.
Guest:Should I sit down?
Guest:We never have sat down for a... No, I think we can relax a minute.
Guest:All right.
Guest:What happened with all the glass?
Guest:It looks like there was a party with nitrous oxide.
Marc:No.
Marc:That was John Doerr's act.
Marc:No, he did a thing.
Marc:It was funny.
Marc:He broke a bottle over his head.
Did he?
Yeah.
Guest:See, that's the kind of shit my manager should be saying to me.
Guest:Break something over your head.
Guest:This kid Thor's got a thing on IFC.
Guest:Why don't you start breaking shit over your head, you fucking idiot?
Guest:Have you pitched a show before?
Guest:Not really.
Marc:If you were going to pitch for him, what do you think it would be?
Marc:In the best of all situations, I'm Eddie Pepitone.
Marc:I'm ready to be me.
Marc:This is what I'm going to do.
Marc:Make it happen.
Guest:The thing that I always think is that it would be a sketch show with me at its center.
Guest:I always think of this, that I have woken up.
Guest:It's kind of cliche, but I've woken up and I'm in an insane asylum.
Marc:I like that idea.
Marc:Do you like that idea?
Marc:Sure.
Marc:Do you guys like it?
Yeah.
Guest:Yeah, you like that again?
Marc:Well, I think just because if we can get a grassroots thing going, like the one that they tried to save Conan with, where... By the way, I love Conan, but that was a little overboard, wasn't it?
Guest:Like people, the passion they were... I'm just saying... Let's save Conan!
Guest:Really?
Guest:How about feeding the hungry?
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:Yeah, no, I mean, they had that kind of passion.
Marc:Nate, we gotta say!
Marc:I agree with you.
Guest:Holy shit, take it easy.
Guest:It's a couple of sketches.
Marc:Okay, so we can't pitch it to his company.
Guest:Hey, I hear he's doing it.
Guest:See, that is my problem.
Guest:I get angry at all the people who can help me.
Guest:Oh, really, Conan, you want to produce my show?
Guest:You fucking weasel.
Marc:When I first started doing comedy, when I was really angry and sort of weird and arrogant, I used to do this joke where I'd say, hey, don't bite the hand that feeds you.
Marc:Cut it off and wear it around your neck as a warning to other people.
Guest:And I can see the industry execs.
Guest:I like this kid.
Guest:I like this fucking kid.
Guest:He's raw.
Marc:He's real.
Marc:We can't use him.
Guest:We cannot use him.
Guest:Get me Ray Romano.
Guest:He's got just that right.
Guest:He's got that right tone.
Guest:Men of a certain fucking age who really don't offend anybody.
Guest:They're just family people trying to get by.
Guest:I got a couple of kids.
Guest:I got a couple of kids.
Guest:My wife doesn't want to fuck me.
Guest:That's his whole shtick.
Guest:I'm just a nice guy.
Guest:He's got $300 million.
Guest:So Ray Romano's company is not going to do it anymore.
Guest:I love the fact that all these fucks get sitcoms and then they start production companies.
Guest:That's what they do.
Guest:They fucking get successful.
Marc:And they give shows to guys who don't have a show.
Guest:That's right.
Guest:I should really just understand.
Marc:No, no, you shouldn't.
Guest:I should understand the system better, but my anger fuels me.
Guest:Do you understand that?
Guest:My anger at the powers that be fuels me.
Guest:I can't say, oh, Ray Romano, he's a great guy, because then I die.
Marc:Then I die.
Marc:Eddie Pepitone, ladies and gentlemen.
Guest:I'll see you in a minute.
Guest:Thank you for coming.
Guest:UCB Theater.
Guest:What the fuck?
Guest:Great show.
Marc:I should have just wept on that.
Marc:You guys are great.
Marc:Take care.
you