Episode 50 - Laurie Kilmartin / Jackie Kashian / Mort / Eddie
Guest 4:Lock the gates!
Marc:Are we doing this?
Marc:Really?
Marc:Wait for it.
Marc:Are we doing this?
Marc:Wait for it.
Marc:Pow!
Marc:What the fuck?
Marc:And it's also... Eh, what the fuck?
Marc:What's wrong with me?
Marc:It's time for WTF!
Guest 2:What the fuck?
Guest 2:With Mark Maron.
Guest 2:What the fuck?
Marc:How you doing, what the fuckers?
Marc:What the fuck buddies?
Marc:What the fucking ears?
Marc:Whatever the fuck you want to call yourselves.
Marc:Thanks for coming down.
Marc:Nice to see you.
Marc:We've got a good show.
Marc:We got Lori Kilmartin.
Marc:We got Jackie Cation.
Marc:We got Eddie Pepitone, of course.
Marc:Holy shit.
Marc:Eddie, that should make you feel good.
Marc:Did you hear that?
Marc:Do it again.
Marc:Eddie, people actually like you.
Marc:What are you going to do now, you sad fuck?
Marc:Well, there he is.
Marc:All right, don't get started.
Marc:We'll be here in an hour.
Marc:Thank you, Eddie.
Marc:I'm glad.
Marc:And he's back there going, what time are we going to be done?
Marc:Because I got a thing to do at a bathroom.
Marc:All right.
Marc:I wanted to do this up front because the last time I tried to do it in the middle of the show didn't really work well.
Marc:But I've got swag.
Woo!
Marc:WTF Coffee from JustCoffee.coop.
Marc:Who wants it?
Marc:All right, I got two of those.
Marc:You can get it at WTFPod.com or JustCoffee.coop.
Marc:There you go.
Marc:Nerdcock T-shirts.
Marc:This one.
Marc:This one is an XL.
Marc:Oh, there you go.
Marc:This one's a large nerd cock.
Marc:Large nerd cock.
Marc:How about... All right, good.
Marc:She deserves a nerd cock on two levels.
Marc:This one is a WTF shirt.
Marc:Very hard to find.
Marc:Large... All right, Victor.
Marc:It's my mailman.
Marc:You think I'm kidding.
Marc:He's not actually my mailman, but he's a guy who works at the post office.
Marc:This one is... What is this?
Marc:An extra large?
Marc:You don't care, do you?
Marc:Oh, yay, you're gonna get married next.
Marc:Who knew?
Marc:Are you happy with that?
Marc:Because I can bring you another one.
Marc:You mail them for me all day long.
Marc:You know what, Fixer?
Marc:Let's get to the bottom of some shit.
Marc:Take the mic.
Marc:Just take the mic a minute.
Marc:What the fuck is wrong with the post office?
Guest 3:You know, last time you asked me what's with all the Asian people, I kept thinking about that.
Guest 3:Well, I didn't mean to be racist about it, but you work there.
Guest 3:There's a lot of Asian people, right?
Guest 3:No, I know, but you know, it happened overnight.
Guest 3:I didn't understand.
Marc:Well, let's not get crazy.
Marc:I went to work one day and it was filled with Asians.
Guest 3:Yeah, no.
Marc:But are they better at it?
Marc:I mean, I don't want to put you in a weird place.
Guest 3:I mean, is there something uniquely... I don't want to get racist either, but they're better at math.
Marc:So does that make them better at the post-officing?
Guest 3:If you can understand... But let me ask you.
Marc:You don't need to say that.
Marc:But I understand your sentiment.
Marc:You're there.
Marc:There's a language problem.
Marc:But I guess what I really want to know is why the fuck...
Marc:Because going postal is a real thing.
Marc:It hasn't happened lately and I'm hoping you're feeling okay.
Guest 3:You feel okay?
Guest 3:No, tell your audience they don't have to worry because we only kill ourselves.
Marc:It's on record.
Marc:But what is it about the job?
Marc:Is it that the mail just never stops?
Marc:It's just like, oh, fuck!
Marc:Another letter!
Marc:Is it like cops fighting crime?
Guest 3:There's no point to this.
Guest 3:Well, think about it.
Guest 3:Think about it.
Guest 3:Bukowski worked for the post office.
Guest 3:He did.
Guest 3:One guy just woke up.
Marc:Yeah, so... And I just became Don Rickles.
Marc:I, um... He did work for the post office.
Guest 3:Yeah, he did.
Marc:Look what happened to him.
Marc:He decided not to snap, and he created a lot of great stuff.
Guest 3:Well, they create a new rule.
Guest 3:You can't smoke while you sort mail, because he...
Guest 3:Are you guys smoking back there?
Guest 3:You can't smoke anywhere.
Guest 3:No, back in the old days when he worked, he threw one of his stogies on a pile of mail.
Marc:And it caught fire?
Guest 3:And he came back the next day and they had this big plastered banner, no smoking.
Guest 3:So that was because of Bukowski?
Marc:Because of him.
Marc:How many people knew that?
Marc:I think we learned something here.
Marc:The reason that people can't smoke while they sort mail is Charles Bukowski.
Marc:I learned something.
Marc:Thanks, buddy.
Marc:Thanks.
Marc:Don't snap.
Marc:Thank you.
Marc:Look, if you're gonna fly your plane into a building, and you're gonna leave a manifesto, make it clear.
Marc:Did you read that thing?
Marc:I mean, the guy's like, you know, I'm gonna martyr myself for several different convoluted reasons.
Marc:And I want everybody to understand that I did it for justified reasons.
Marc:And there's like nine pages.
Marc:And I think the one thing that no one's talking about with this guy, Michael Stark, I think is his name, is that he was a bass player.
Marc:And...
Marc:And I think if you really look at all the tax stuff, all the anti-corporation stuff, the fact of being a bass player is enough to make you fly your fucking plane to a building.
Marc:Because these guys got to sit there and put up with the fucking singer.
Marc:They got to put up with the fucking ridiculous guitar player.
Marc:You're going to tell me they're not ready to snap, all of them?
Marc:Just like, shut the fuck up, crazy guy.
Marc:I'm holding this band together.
Marc:Fuck all of you, I'm going to fly into a building, but I'm going to make it for a lot of reasons, not just the bass players.
Marc:The right's not even going to take... They don't want anything to do with him.
Marc:The left doesn't want anything to do with him because he made his message so fucking unclear.
Marc:He's anti-corporation, all right, and he's also very pissed off about taxes, but not taxes in general.
Marc:One specific tax law in a tax code law that was written in 1986 that only applied to him.
Marc:And other people that do his line of work.
Marc:But it's not a big anti-tax message.
Marc:It's like, this is how they fucked me.
Marc:Who can rally behind that?
Marc:Come on, software engineers.
Marc:But Eddie's going to talk about it, so I don't want to go too far into it.
Marc:Because I think Eddie found a kindred spirit.
Marc:I think that guy, Eddie Pepperdine, said, this guy did it for me.
Marc:He saved me some time.
Marc:Because I don't know how to fly.
Yeah.
Marc:Shit, am I doing your act?
Marc:Did I do the whole thing, Eddie?
Marc:Do you want to work on something else?
Marc:You got time.
Marc:What else have I got here to talk about?
Marc:I'm done with chicken.
Marc:I'm gonna leave it at that.
Marc:Here's what happened.
Marc:I roasted a chicken, and I don't think I cooked it enough.
Marc:No, but that's bad in and of itself.
Marc:But what I do is, like, I didn't want to eat it that night.
Marc:I just roasted it so I could have it in the fridge, because I do that.
Marc:You know, I should be writing jokes and doing things all day, but I'm making chicken and ricotta cheesecake to sit and fight with it for a week.
Marc:I make food to fight with.
Marc:I made a ricotta cheesecake, because I never made one before, and I saw the rest.
Marc:It's the best, right?
Marc:And you can only get it in New York, because I don't know where the Italians are hiding in this town, but they certainly aren't opening fucking restaurants.
Marc:So I make this ricotta cheesecake, and it comes out great.
Marc:So that means every day, like, I have one piece, because that's all I really want, and then I put it in the fridge, so every day I got to open the fridge and go, fuck you.
Marc:Fuck you, ricotta cheesecake.
Marc:I know what you're doing.
Marc:You're trying to get inside of me to make me hate myself.
Marc:So... So this is funny, because Eddie's here.
Marc:So I couldn't think of anybody who would eat this, because I...
Marc:I don't have that many friends, and I didn't want to make a big deal out of it.
Marc:I just wanted, really, someone to come over and eat the fucking cheesecake.
Marc:No dinner party, no nothing.
Marc:It was really that urgent.
Marc:So I'm sitting at home, and I'm like, Eddie will eat it.
Marc:So I text Eddie, and I'm like, you guys should come over and have ricotta cheesecake.
Marc:And it was Valentine's Day, and I wanted it out of my house.
Marc:And I wasn't doing anything on Valentine's Day.
Marc:I bought... Valentine's Day for me was I got a deal on steaks at Fresh and Easy.
Marc:Two T-bone steaks for $4.
Marc:And I actually put that on Twitter.
Marc:I'm like, who wants to come eat dinner with me?
Marc:I got $4 steaks.
Marc:Nobody.
Marc:And I didn't really...
Marc:And I took it personally at first, but then I thought, that's really not a big selling point.
Marc:I got two steaks for $4.
Marc:So I had this cheesecake.
Marc:So I start texting Eddie.
Marc:I'm like, please come over and eat some cheesecake with your girlfriend.
Marc:And he's like, no, it's Valentine's Day.
Marc:We got plans.
Marc:And I was pissed.
Marc:I was like, what the fuck?
Marc:I made this cheesecake.
Marc:Eddie's not going to come eat it.
Marc:And I'm just copying to this because he's here.
Marc:I started stalking him.
Marc:I started cheesecake-stalking Eddie Pepitone.
Marc:Like, the day after, I'm like, what the fuck, pal?
Marc:Are we doing this cheesecake thing or what?
Marc:And then, of course, Eddie started to feel bad.
Marc:He's like, well, I wish I could have come, but I can't.
Marc:There's still time!
Marc:It's still here, and I fucking haven't eaten it yet.
Marc:And this goes on for three fucking days.
Marc:And then finally, he's like, all right, can I come over at, like, 10.30 at night?
Marc:And I'm like, I don't care when you come.
Marc:I just need you to eat this shit.
Marc:And he came over at 10.30 at night.
Marc:It was almost awkward, because I was almost tired.
Marc:And I'm like, yeah, come in.
Marc:It was like a drug dealer.
Marc:I still got some shit left.
Marc:I mean, I really don't like you coming over at this hour.
Marc:But this time, I'll do it.
Marc:And then you sit there and do the blow with the guy who's trying to go to sleep.
Marc:So he comes over, and he ate the cheesecake.
Marc:And I said, do you want more?
Marc:And he ate like half the cheesecake.
Marc:And I just want to thank him for that.
Marc:Thank you, Eddie, for eating half the cheesecake.
Marc:Oh, I didn't put the timer on.
Marc:So getting back to the chicken thing.
Marc:So I cooked this chicken, and today I want to make a sandwich out of this chicken.
Marc:And it was, I think it was a little raw.
Marc:I know that's gross, but what's grosser is I kept trying to bend it into cooked in my brain.
Marc:Like, I'm like, maybe I'm misreading this.
Marc:It can be a little bloody, right, chicken?
Marc:Like, you know, just because there's red speckles in it, that doesn't mean it's not cooked.
Marc:That's like from the bone, right?
Marc:And I had the most unenjoyable chicken sandwich I'd ever eat in my life because I was afraid that I would get sick.
Marc:And then I threw the whole chicken out.
Marc:All right, so let's do a couple emails and then, because those are always fun.
Marc:All right, listening from China.
Marc:Hey, Mark, I don't normally write to shows that I listen to, but I wanted to let you know that you have an avid listener in, I can't even pronounce it, Gulen Guangkai, China.
Marc:I started listening from the first episode and listened to a couple shows a day to catch up and be current.
Marc:I would follow you on Twitter or Facebook, but those sites are both blocked in China.
Marc:Right, I had the same moment.
Marc:I'm like, how are you okay?
Marc:Do you need help there?
Marc:Like, come home, come home.
Marc:It sounds horrible.
Marc:How does anyone know you're alive without the email thing?
Marc:You need to email all your friends every day four times a day to at least keep up with what's happening in the world.
Marc:At some point, I made a statement about jocks and air conditioner repair.
Marc:I don't remember saying it.
Marc:But I think it had something to do with going back to a high school reunion and seeing the jocks and being, you know, having that shot in front of like, oh, they probably work at an air-conditioned repair place.
Marc:So I get one with the subject heading, jocks and air conditioning.
Marc:Hey, asshole.
Marc:I was a jock and I work in air conditioning.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:And I listen to your show.
Marc:But I am the exception.
Marc:Now this is where it gets a little convoluted in its logic.
Marc:Jocks generally don't do AC work.
Marc:Jocks are usually not mechanically gifted people.
Marc:They are sporty.
Marc:That's sort of a misuse of that word.
Marc:I think he was trying to be cute, but they're sporty.
Marc:Like, you mean they dress snappy?
Marc:But I'm gonna let him off on that one.
Marc:And he goes, and you need to show more respect for the HVAC profession.
Marc:we keep your buildings air-conditioned and ventilated we keep your beer cold show some fucking respect you pompous asshole and stop giving shorty advice to your nerdcock followers does anyone know what shorty advice is is that a street term victor anything nothing all right it's it's chicks oh really oh thank you
Marc:HVAC is a fine profession for nerd cocks like myself.
Marc:Otherwise, keep up the good work.
Marc:By the way, do you have sex with any of your guests?
Marc:Tony.
Marc:Yes.
Marc:Now Tony's going to be like, oh, I've got to go back on the episodes and try to figure out which one.
Marc:Dear Marc Maron, I am unable to make monthly donations because I live in Japan.
Marc:Yeah, likely.
Marc:Excuse.
Marc:And my bank just so happens to be Japanese.
Marc:Well, I could make monthly donations, but the international banking fee I would get hit with is insanely fucking ridiculous.
Marc:It is somewhere around $4, which is epically retarded.
Yeah.
Marc:I really like those two words together.
Marc:I don't care how you feel about the word retarded, epically retarded is spectacular.
Marc:As a fan, I feel like I need to do something, so I decided that maybe you just might like for me to mail you some super awesome Japanese stuff.
Marc:How does that sound, Marc Maron?
Marc:Fuck cupcakes and cookies, brother.
Marc:I can send you a sword.
Yeah.
Marc:or maybe even an actual Japanese person.
Marc:I don't know what you're into, so please forgive my ignorance.
Marc:And then this is a weird line.
Marc:I would really like for you to sign a book that I have written.
Marc:The book is awesome, but I think that your signature would make it fucking awesome.
Marc:What do you think about this?
Marc:I think it's weird.
Marc:My $4 international banking charge comment was an attempt at a joke.
Marc:Did you laugh?
Marc:I'm in a donating process now.
Marc:Brian.
Marc:I didn't laugh at that.
Marc:I laughed at other things.
Marc:We all had a good laugh.
Marc:I think this one's a little convoluted.
Marc:It's about autism.
Marc:No, not in a bad way.
Marc:I like autistic people.
Marc:I watched that Temple Grandin thing twice.
Marc:Did you see that on HBO?
Marc:What was her name?
Marc:Temple Grandin?
Marc:Who designed the cattle shoots?
Marc:I fucking cried.
Marc:I loved it.
Marc:I thought it was the best Sinclair Danes in a long time.
Marc:And I learned a lot about cattle.
Marc:Don't judge me.
Marc:Did I talk about this the last time?
Marc:Did I?
Marc:No?
Marc:I didn't talk about it?
Marc:I did watch it twice.
Marc:I've watched things that'll jerk me around emotionally.
Marc:But I got mad at those cowboys for redoing her shoot and drowning those cows.
Marc:Anybody else?
Marc:How come none of you watch this?
Marc:Because you judged it by the coming attraction on HBO, didn't you?
Marc:You saw Claire Danes doing a ridiculous autistic Texan woman, and you said to yourself, that looks fucking ridiculous.
Marc:I'm not fucking watching that.
Marc:Not only did I watch it, but I had to leave in the middle of it, and I was crying, and I had to go to HBO On Demand to watch it again so I could cry all the way through it.
Marc:She did amazing things for autistic people, and you guys, above that.
Marc:Now I'm going to read the fucking email about autistic people.
Marc:But this is a general question that might be good for the panel.
Marc:Mark, I heard a report recently on the BBC which had apparently found that scientists recently discovered that there was a specific part of the brain that interprets sarcasm, more generally, the social-cultural implications of language, and that autistic people lack development in this area and therefore have difficulty interpreting sarcasm.
Marc:It also said that people who have lesions or damage to this area can lose the same ability.
Marc:I happen to know a lot of people who don't seem to get sarcasm, but I refuse to believe that all these people have brain damage.
LAUGHTER
Marc:Because one, the odds of that many people having brain damage are pretty slim, and two, I think it somehow excuses their stupidity.
Marc:Which brings me to an interesting question.
Marc:How many stupid people are inherently stupid, meaning they physically have an underdeveloped brain, versus how many people are willfully ignorant, which many would argue is attributed to our shitty education system.
Marc:He had to get the politics in there.
Marc:Personally, I believe there are a lot of dumb fucking people who, rather than continue to learn and perhaps question their views, stop learning, stop questioning, and continue their stubborn, moronic behavior out of some childish need to always be right.
Marc:Doesn't that feel like at the end of the day she goes, I'm fucking right about this.
Marc:Well, we'll bring that up with the panel.
Marc:Now, I got to read this one, and then we'll get going.
Marc:This one I loved, because it's a genuine what the... It's a beauty.
Marc:And this is for the kids out there, because this was a grown-up who did this, and I want you to make note.
Marc:I think I have... I think that I've had a WTF moment at work,
Marc:We don't have a cleaner, and everybody takes turns every week to clean the staff room, kitchen, and toilets.
Marc:I don't like doing this after working hard at school and university, but we are in a recession, and at least I've got a job.
Marc:After my turn last week, my boss told me that my work colleagues have been complaining that I didn't empty the bins and clean the sinks in the toilets.
Marc:My boss was cool about it, but I couldn't believe it.
Marc:They always complain about petty issues.
Marc:Who gives a shit?
Marc:I'm really good at my job, and that's what's important to me.
Marc:I'm not messy, but I just forgot.
Marc:I was angry, and I was going to let it be known to everybody, but when I went to the toilet soon after, I looked at the sink next to the toilet, and I thought, you want to clean a sink?
Marc:Well, I'm going to piss in it.
Marc:What?
Marc:This is a noble act of political anger.
Marc:I felt all my anger flowing out of me.
Marc:After I finished, I felt so happy I didn't get angry with anybody.
Marc:Wouldn't it be great if you could solve everything by pissing on it?
Marc:Do you think I did the right thing?
Marc:I've never done this before, but it just happened.
Marc:Hey, like you had no control over it.
Marc:If for some reason you decide to read this out loud, please don't say my name.
Marc:I don't want to lose my job.
Marc:Do you think I did the right thing?
Marc:You know, I think he did.
Marc:Because there's something about that.
Marc:Like, have you ever done shit like that?
Marc:Where you just do something like, I mean, I've never worked in a, I did work in restaurants.
Marc:But I never spit in anyone's food or anything.
Marc:Yeah, because I don't want that to happen to me.
Marc:But pissing in a sink, that's just sort of inner satisfaction thing.
Marc:Like, you just know.
Marc:It's not like, you know, someone drinking your pee or something.
Marc:You got to pay for that.
Marc:I thought the pee thing would go another direction, but it just sort of trickled away.
Marc:And right now, I'm going to bring out one of my favorite comediennes.
Marc:I got a lot of flack for not having women on the show, and now I booked an all-woman show, and I'm going to try and deal with that.
Marc:Um...
Marc:But this first comedian, I knew her in San Francisco.
Marc:She's great.
Marc:She wrote on... What was that thing you wrote on?
Marc:Oh, yeah.
Marc:She was on Tough Crowd a lot.
Marc:And she wrote on that.
Marc:And what was the last thing that you weren't happy about?
Marc:Did I mean... I blew it, didn't I?
Marc:Laurie Kilmartin, ladies and gentlemen.
Marc:What I meant to say is that you're unhappy about losing your job.
Marc:That's what I meant to say.
Guest 6:You're unhappy about losing your job.
Marc:How are you?
Guest 6:I'm good.
Marc:There's some questions I have to ask about being a woman because I don't know.
Guest 6:Yeah.
Guest 6:I may not be 100% on that either.
Marc:I had a 14-year-old kid in here the other night.
Marc:I did a show here.
Guest 6:A boy?
Guest 6:Yes.
Marc:I started talking to him, and I realized 14 years old, you don't fucking know anything.
Marc:I talked to him about the first time I felt boobs because I was 14, and I was so excited about feeling them, but I didn't know what to do with them.
Marc:I just kind of put my hands on them, and I held them, and I just went like...
Marc:Like that.
Guest 6:I'm oddly aroused right now.
Marc:But then I said to the kid, I said, you know, like, it's not what they want, but at your age, it doesn't matter.
Marc:It's for you.
Marc:And eventually you learn what they want.
Marc:And then I realized, like, I don't fucking know.
Guest 6:So you want me to tell you how to massage a woman's breast?
Marc:Exactly.
Marc:I've got that down pat.
Marc:You had the woman's show.
Guest 6:That's why you booked her, right?
Marc:I need proof advice in front of an audience.
Guest 6:I need proof advice in front of an audience.
Guest 6:I really don't think it actually changes from this.
Guest 6:I've only had this my whole life.
Marc:None of the stroking action or the... No, I never got that part.
Marc:Like a little of that?
Marc:No.
Marc:The kind of light pinching bit?
Guest 6:Oh, my gosh.
Marc:No.
Marc:Mark.
Marc:Oh, boy.
Marc:I knew this would happen.
Marc:How long have we known each other?
Marc:Yeah, a long time.
Marc:Why haven't we?
The...
Guest 6:No, there's not to now.
Marc:Oh, that's right.
Marc:You're out of it.
Marc:That's what I was thinking.
Marc:I can't believe... Fucking John Edwards.
Marc:I know it's old news.
Marc:And I don't do a lot of politics anymore.
Marc:But not only was he disappointing, but Jesus Christ, was he making porn?
Marc:Now there's a tape?
Marc:It wasn't just like, I fucked up.
Marc:I fucked this girl who worked for me because I'm a narcissistic ego person.
Guest 6:That I can see.
Marc:But they're making movies?
Marc:Was it part of the documentary she was working on?
Marc:The webisode you never saw.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:But that's so fucking disgusting in a way.
Guest 6:It is gross.
Guest 6:That's where you, yeah, you're like, okay, all right.
Guest 6:And you see Riel and you're like, okay, politicians.
Guest 6:And then what the fuck?
Guest 6:That actually lands exactly on the premise of your show is the pregnant sex tape.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Is it available on the internet?
Marc:Because don't you kind of, because all of us are so inundated with porn.
Marc:We're like, does he fuck good?
Marc:Can he do it?
Guest 6:And does he do this to her nipples?
Yeah.
Guest 6:It's this?
Marc:You play it by nipple.
Okay.
Marc:and response to it i have ears here maybe that's the problem because like the response to that you don't want to hear is like ow ow ow too hard too hard so you have to deliberate on the that's right but i do wonder if john edwards could because you know when people run for president yeah even when bill clinton got into all that trouble i still had a hard time picturing him because they have a certain stature as sleazeball politicians right
Guest 6:I had an easy time.
Guest 6:I think a lot of women are attracted to Bill Clinton.
Marc:Is that true?
Guest 6:Yeah, he's very sexy.
Marc:Was it because of the power thing, or is he really sexy?
Guest 6:He's tall.
Marc:You know he does that, because he does a lot of this with his thumb.
Marc:So it's only one motion to grab a nipple and roll it around a little bit.
Marc:Maybe that's what you're responding to.
Marc:People didn't realize.
Marc:They're like, look at him working that hand.
Guest 6:Yeah, we're going to...
Guest 6:He's like a fisherman with that thing, right?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:So you can picture Bill Clinton fucking, but I feel like if I saw John Edwards fucking, I'd be disappointed if he didn't keep flipping his hair.
Marc:You know, like a 70s guy.
Marc:Yeah, like a swimmer, yeah.
Guest 6:No, apparently he has a very large penis.
Marc:He does?
Guest 6:Yes.
Marc:Huh.
Marc:How do you like that?
Guest 6:Yeah, yeah.
Guest 6:Now run that one through your head and see how it goes.
Marc:Well, now it's better.
Marc:You know...
Marc:Not because I like large penises, but I'm happy he has one.
Marc:You know, I'm just happy for him.
Guest 6:He doesn't look like he has large penis.
Marc:No, he doesn't.
Marc:I would think that he'd have just sort of the average one, sort of like where you'd go, really?
Guest 6:Yeah, like a trial lawyer overcompensating for a small penis.
Marc:Right, he'd probably do a big sort of dissertation on like, it's a grower.
Marc:You know, like...
Marc:Just give me a minute.
Guest 6:I know it's kind of a hacky story, but I'm obsessed with it because I'm sort of living a version of it.
Guest 6:I know we've talked about this before.
Marc:You've been cheated on, and it's been the bane of your existence for two years.
Guest 6:No, the affair was two years, and I just found out a few months ago.
Marc:So it's that fresh?
Guest 6:Yes, and I've gone down a rabbit hole where I have two and a half years of cell phone records and I've tracked the arc of the relationship.
Marc:Oh, did you graph it?
Guest 6:Oh, is that not funny?
Guest 6:Okay.
Guest 6:I guess I'm still in the pain mode.
Guest 6:I'll be able to shake this off soon.
Marc:I've been a cheater in my life, but not lately.
Guest 6:That's so much better.
Marc:You've got to learn.
Marc:What if there was a fucking tape?
Marc:That would be the fucking worst.
Guest 6:There's pictures.
Guest 6:Of them fucking?
Guest 6:No, not fucking.
Guest 6:No, those I would send to you, but no, just... Would you?
Marc:Wouldn't it be awful if you saw him working her nipple?
Guest 6:Oh, my God.
Guest 6:Oh, you've gone too far for your crowd, Maren.
Marc:So what's new?
Guest 6:But we started seeing a therapist that... Dr. Steve.
Guest 6:That you recommended.
Marc:You started seeing Dr. Steve?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:That's so spectacular.
Marc:Those of you who listen to the show, you know almost Dr. Steve.
Marc:Well, he's going to be a doctor soon, and you started seeing him, and it's working out?
Guest 6:Oh, I didn't know it was soon.
Guest 6:I thought it was already there.
Guest 6:No, no.
Guest 6:Okay.
Okay.
Marc:No, he's allowed to do what he's doing.
Marc:No, no, I know he's great.
Marc:He's just getting his PhD.
Marc:He's great.
Marc:You had a good time?
Guest 6:Oh, he's awesome.
Guest 6:Well, I don't.
Guest 6:Wednesday is a good time with talking about her.
Marc:I had a hard time with couples counseling, to be quite honest with you.
Marc:Yeah, why?
Marc:Because it was a lot like, but here is a different situation.
Guest 6:Yeah.
Marc:Well, I do a bit in my act about it.
Marc:I used to say that if you're a guy, couples counseling is really just an ambush that you pay for.
Yeah.
Guest 6:Yeah, and it feels fucking good.
Marc:But he knows he's been caught and he's been bad.
Marc:I didn't do anything like that.
Marc:I was just a yelling asshole.
Guest 6:Oh, okay.
Marc:Yeah, so with my couple's counseling, she'd be like, well, I think that he's abusive.
Marc:And I'd be like, quit blaming me.
Yeah.
Marc:That kind of stuff.
Guest 6:Dr. Steve said, you guys need to have civil conversations.
Guest 6:I get very angry very quickly.
Guest 6:He'll say hi and I'll be like, that's what you told your fucking whore.
Guest 6:I can't stop myself.
Guest 6:And then he's like, well, she was nice.
Guest 6:I'm like, don't defend her, please.
Guest 5:It's okay.
Guest 5:I understand.
Guest 6:She's not a whore.
Guest 6:She's a person.
Guest 6:And she didn't know because you didn't tell her.
Guest 6:Okay.
Guest 6:He defended her?
Guest 6:Yeah, one time, yeah.
Guest 6:Because I was a whore.
Guest 6:I was everything.
Marc:You gave him the full treatment?
Guest 6:Yeah, and he was trying to, I don't know, he couldn't take it.
Marc:Oh, that's beautiful.
Marc:What a fucking idiot.
Yeah.
Marc:Sorry.
Guest 6:No, this is a codependent girlfriend.
Guest 6:Well, you know, he's got a lot of good qualities, too.
Guest 6:We made a beautiful baby together.
Marc:I don't have a baby.
Guest 6:You don't have a baby?
Guest 6:No.
Marc:Well, I would love if that happened.
Guest 6:Really?
Guest 6:Out of the blue, a 16-year-old boy.
Guest 6:What if it was a 14-year-old boy who had no nipple?
Guest 6:What if that's your son?
Marc:I think on some level, you know, like maybe not 16, but maybe like six.
Marc:Like, you know, so the difficult part was over.
Marc:Before they're an asshole.
Marc:Yeah, right, right.
Marc:You just sort of like, meet your son.
Marc:He's 10.
Marc:I'm like, perfect.
Marc:Can I have him now?
Marc:Thanks for doing all the difficult shit.
Marc:Now let me fuck him up on my own.
Guest 6:No, it'd actually be nice to split up how you fuck up a child.
Guest 6:Like, the first 10 years go to the mother, and the second 10 go to the father.
Guest 6:So they have a clear... Yeah, coming at it from both directions is very disturbing to them, right?
Marc:It'd be nice when they're my age and know who to blame, specifically.
Marc:It's not confusing.
Guest 6:But Dr. Stevie goes, we'll just talk about weather and politics and sports, and sports is Tiger Woods to me, and politics is John Edwards, so...
Marc:So it all comes back around.
Guest 6:Yeah, it all comes back to clouds.
Guest 6:That's it.
Marc:We only talk about weather.
Marc:What about the chick, though?
Marc:Did you give her a piece of your mind?
Guest 6:I did.
Guest 6:I sent her an email.
Guest 6:I told you before, I sent her a top ten list, top ten ways that I'll just pretend his name is Jim.
Guest 6:Jim is cheating on you.
Guest 6:And it was very graphic, including hand jobs and shit like that.
Guest 6:Oh, really?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:It was good that you kept it in the top ten list.
Marc:Those kind of letters that you write out of complete fucking anger, they're so exciting.
Marc:and those are the ones that everyone's like don't send it don't send it I know I know I'll think about it I'll think about it but then like that moment where you hit send that menacing kind of like I shouldn't be oh fuck it felt so good and you hear the it felt so good it's out in the world she's forwarding it to all of her friends and analyzing it oh spectacular
Marc:I write those emails and I go back and read them.
Guest 6:I do too.
Marc:Because they're so exciting.
Guest 6:I was like, God damn, I was good.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest 6:Why am I not writing for Letterman?
Guest 6:This is a fucking awesome top 10 list.
Guest 6:But then she actually put a picture of the two of them on her Facebook account.
Guest 6:And I would know because I look at her Facebook account about 75 times a day to figure out where she is.
Marc:Is that categorized as stalking?
Marc:Would that be stalking?
Guest 6:I don't know.
Guest 6:I don't know.
Guest 6:You tell me.
Guest 6:I think it's a good hobby.
Guest 6:So then I sent her another email.
Guest 6:This is the angriest one yet.
Guest 6:She's also married to a gay Mexican so that he can have citizenship.
Guest 6:So I said I have emails and photos that prove that you are not married in the purest sense and this will be a felony, your first arrest that's a felony.
Guest 6:And if you don't take that fucking picture now down, I will have you arrested.
Marc:Do you have pictures of the guy she's married to fucking?
Guest 6:No.
Marc:You should find some of those.
Guest 6:Yeah.
Marc:Those would be awesome.
Guest 6:That would be awesome.
Marc:So now you guys are going to be, are you going to be all right?
Marc:I don't know.
Marc:Really?
Guest 6:You know, maybe.
Guest 6:It's a lot of pressure for Dr. Steve.
Marc:I'm sure he likes it.
Guest 6:This might be his greatest case ever.
Marc:I'm so glad I helped you out.
Marc:But I mean, do you think there's hope?
Marc:I mean, isn't it about you letting go of the resentment?
Marc:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Marc:To trust again?
Marc:Yes.
Marc:That kind of stuff?
Guest 6:Yeah, yeah.
Guest 6:And him not lying about fucking a girl for two years again, too.
Guest 6:Just like that combination.
Guest 6:Yeah.
Guest 6:Get that combination.
Guest 6:I don't know, man.
Guest 6:Happy ending.
Marc:Trust is such a fucking pain.
Marc:Then I'll let him tweak my nipples again.
Marc:That trust thing is a rough one, isn't it?
Marc:In general.
Marc:Did you trust him before?
Guest 6:I'm not a trusting person.
Guest 6:I don't think most people are.
Marc:I think you're right.
Marc:If I'm in a relationship... Let me ask you a question.
Marc:I'm sorry this is getting a little heavy.
LAUGHTER
Marc:What are we really worried about them?
Marc:I've decided, and this may be cynical, that trust and intimacy, they're just fucking overrated, and I've talked about this before.
Marc:Because really what it comes down to in a relationship, the brass tacks of it are you get into a relationship with somebody, and the agreement is, okay, I will buffer your disappointment and protect your secrets as long as you do that for me.
Guest 6:Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's basically it, right.
Marc:Got it figured out.
Marc:Not too romantic, is it, when you look at it like that?
Guest 6:But why do you feel that it's overrated then?
Guest 6:Because if someone's protecting your secrets, that's the most amazing thing ever, right?
Marc:Yeah, I guess, but sometimes they're just stupid secrets.
Marc:I always wonder if there's a statute of limitations.
Marc:I went out with a woman years ago, and I'm not going to mention any names because I don't know if there is a statute of limitations, because I think certain things become petty.
Marc:Even if I still have some resentment towards this person, I know in my head that she used to pick her nose and eat it.
Guest 6:As a child or as an adult?
Marc:As an adult.
Marc:Like, I don't know what you do with that information after a certain point.
Marc:That is... But that's one of those things, like, I would never, you know, say who that was, and it happened a long time ago, but I know that it happened, and that if ever, like, I found a reason to really go, fuck her, you used to... But then I'm seven.
Guest 6:Well, no one would believe you, I think, right?
Guest 6:If you told people.
Guest 6:It would only make you look like an idiot, right?
Guest 6:No one would believe that a grown woman does that.
Guest 6:Did you catch her or did she confide in a moment of post-coital intimacy?
Guest 6:In addition to lesbian fantasies, I also... Let's not deal with it anymore.
Marc:Let's just say I'm going to protect that secret.
Guest 6:Her name, but we know it's out there.
Marc:I'm never going to bring it up again.
Marc:I had moments like that because there are those little things like piccadillos that are really the most horrible things.
Guest 6:It's weird that you pick the word piccadillos after the nose pick.
Marc:But...
Guest 6:You don't have to give me a courtesy laugh.
Guest 6:It's okay.
Marc:No, no, no.
Marc:I was doing that for everybody.
Marc:But what I was saying is even when you write those angry emails, didn't you find yourself saying like, I'm not going to bring that up because that's too personal.
Marc:But that was my question.
Marc:I wrote somebody a fucking miserable email, an angry, horrible, like completely soul crushing email.
Marc:But I'm like, I'm not going to stoop to the level of that stupid little thing.
Marc:I'm just going to stick with the broader soul crushing things.
Guest 6:No, I stooped.
Marc:Good.
Guest 6:And I did not conquer.
Marc:Lori Kilmartin, ladies and gentlemen.
Marc:You good?
Guest 5:Yeah.
Guest 5:All right.
Marc:So, yeah, move over, and we'll keep it going.
Marc:Ladies and gentlemen, the very funny Jackie Cation.
Marc:I should stand up to continue our Girls, Girls, Girls night on WTF.
Guest 7:This is actually an SLAA intervention.
Marc:How is it?
Marc:Like, fuck that.
Guest 7:What?
Marc:Sex and love addiction.
Guest 7:Right.
Marc:I mean, come on.
Marc:Can't I have one thing?
What?
Guest 7:Who isn't addicted to love?
Marc:I know.
Guest 7:Who isn't?
Marc:Well, I'm uncomfortable with love, but sex I'm good with.
Guest 7:Okay.
Marc:If I get too much love, I find part of me is like, all right, ease up on that.
Guest 7:Ease up on this forever.
Guest 7:What the fuck?
Guest 7:On and on?
Marc:No, I'm not going to do that forever.
Marc:I wasn't even going to call it back.
Guest 7:It's just going to get raw.
Guest 7:No, no, it just gets raw.
Marc:I'm not talking about for hours.
Guest 7:That's what I'm saying.
Marc:For a little while, it's not bad, right?
Guest 7:No, it's good times.
Guest 7:I'm on board.
Marc:You don't have a baby.
Guest 7:I don't.
Guest 7:I had a dead baby.
Guest 7:Really?
Guest 7:Out loud?
Guest 7:Okay.
Guest 7:Wow.
Guest 7:Sometimes you just say things.
Guest 7:There's nothing to do with that.
Guest 7:There's so nothing to do with that.
Marc:I'm old.
Guest 7:I have nine eggs.
Marc:I just want to make a list of comedy killing statements.
Marc:You know, for future shows, I just want to make sure I have that list.
Marc:The things that kill comedy instantaneously.
Marc:I had a dead baby.
Marc:Jackie Cation WTF.
Guest 6:Yeah, the I had is what made it the worst, right?
Marc:Let's not bring, let's leave it there.
Marc:But no, thank you for sharing.
Marc:But you're married, right?
Guest 7:I am married.
Guest 7:And you guys, when did the love die?
Guest 7:When did the idea that it was never, that you were like, well, it's all about just keeping your secrets and I can't even stand that bastard.
Guest 7:It is a little cynical, isn't it?
Guest 6:It is.
Guest 7:I'm early.
Guest 7:I'm just three years in.
Marc:Oh, that's when mine started to fall apart.
Guest 7:Oh, nice.
Guest 7:Excellent.
Guest 7:You know, when I got married, my brother was in his divorce and he said, you know, I'd love to tell you that it works.
Guest 7:And I was like, dude, I am getting married next week, fucker.
Guest 7:You little fuck chop.
Marc:I think it can work, you know, once you've given up your dreams.
Guest 7:If you don't want to grow anymore.
Marc:Was that in your vows?
Marc:No.
Guest 7:Yes, I'm done growing.
Guest 7:I hope you continue to make at least $12 billion a year.
Marc:No, I just find that sometimes if you don't communicate, it's about communication and being honest.
Marc:Because it's so easy.
Marc:I was talking about this with, of all people, Dove Davidoff.
Marc:Yeah, I had him in the garage the other day.
Marc:Oh, sweet.
Marc:He'll be on the show.
Marc:We got into a lot of shit.
Marc:That if you don't really communicate, you're in a completely different relationship than any other person.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Because they think that you're, like, expectations, like, they think you want something of them that you may not, it's not even there.
Marc:And you're just in a different world.
Guest 7:I had never even had a relationship prior to this.
Marc:Oh.
Guest 7:And so, which was great.
Guest 7:He always, while we were dating, he's like, oh, my God, you expect nothing of me.
Yeah.
Guest 7:And I was like, yeah.
Marc:You're not broken yet.
Marc:Exactly.
Guest 7:So he's got years to break me.
Guest 7:I got a feeling.
Guest 7:You have a feeling.
Marc:No, I got a feeling that you're going to break him.
Marc:Oh, is that what it is?
Marc:Well, yeah, I don't feel like you're going to take that shit.
Guest 7:No, no, he's a mover and a shake.
Guest 7:He's always had a lady friend.
Marc:Oh, really?
Guest 7:And I just get laid.
Guest 7:I just, yeah, I just, not well, not well, not often.
Guest 7:So you never had a relationship because you... Because who doesn't want in on this?
Guest 7:But whatever, but...
Guest 7:Again, note to self.
Guest 7:Self-deprecating bullshit.
Guest 7:Not okay as well.
Marc:Dead baby, no one wants to fuck you.
Marc:Right.
Marc:Real sad.
Marc:But we're above it now.
Guest 7:And that's not no one.
Guest 7:Twice a year?
Guest 7:For years.
Guest 7:It was nice.
Guest 7:You know what you want to get some nice tail on the road?
Guest 7:Dubuque.
Guest 7:I'm telling you, there is a manure salesman there.
Guest 7:They're called compost salesmen now.
Guest 7:And they're very handsome, very fit.
Marc:From lifting manure.
Guest 7:From lifting, from selling.
Guest 7:Are you used to bang dudes on the road?
Guest 7:Occasionally, yes.
Guest 7:Wow.
Guest 7:I do feel pretty.
Guest 7:I'm not going to lie to you.
Marc:That's awesome, though, because usually... What the hell?
Guest 7:It's just guys.
Guest 6:That's ballsy.
Guest 6:I mean, I was always afraid of being raped, so I would go right back to the hotel room.
Guest 6:Right, right.
Marc:And wait to be raped.
Guest 6:Yes.
Guest 6:It's...
Guest 7:i'm ready it was always nice not to be raped it was always you know you're just like i hear that girl it was an excellent it was an excellent way to just go oh my god and then he didn't kill me and i came it always that will make you come
Guest 7:When he doesn't find a lime pit.
Guest 7:I only did it when we were at a Best Western, when we're working the same room in the club, you know, that fancy room.
Marc:Yeah, sure.
Guest 7:When you're doing a lounge.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:You know what's the scary thing about doing that kind of shit on the road is that when you really look at hotel security, you realize, like, there's no help here.
Guest 5:No.
Guest 5:No, no, no.
Marc:Like, I wasn't worried about getting raped, but I was worried about dudes following me back and beating the shit out of me.
Marc:Right, right.
Marc:And you think you're going to get to the hotel and be like, I'll be safe there.
Marc:And then you look at the fucking idiot behind the counter and the sleeping security guard, and you're like, there's no fucking help here.
Guest 7:No, no.
Guest 7:And that, yeah, they will, if somebody just goes up and say, yeah, I'm with him, I forgot my card, and they will just give you... Oh, yeah, sure.
Guest 7:I'm sure they would just... Oh, fuck yeah.
Guest 7:It's a best Western.
Guest 7:It's not a, you know, it's not the vault.
Guest 7:I don't know where... It's not a Westin.
Marc:Now, you told me you're going back to Iraq.
Marc:Is that true?
Guest 7:Well, Scott Kennedy just emailed me about going back.
Guest 7:I went in July.
Guest 7:How'd that go over?
Guest 7:Well, it was... I don't feel like the shows went very well, quite honestly.
Guest 7:But they didn't care because they were bored out of their tiny lizard minds.
Guest 7:Are you kidding me?
Guest 7:They were like, I don't care if you're funny.
Guest 7:This guy's been telling me shit for 18 months.
Guest 7:Just be someone else.
Guest 7:LAUGHTER
Guest 7:and i was like okay and i hugged like a thousand guys and i'm just like sobbing take care of each other out there you know and it was just dumb it was it was the dumbest thing i've ever done in my life so of course i'll do it again did you get laid there i did not i'm in a committed monogamous relationship there you go good for you yeah yeah yeah it's uh it's nice because i i've never cheated because i never had anybody to cheat on and now i've been with my husband total seven years
Marc:Wow.
Guest 7:So there you go.
Marc:That's good.
Marc:But we started this conversation by saying, what happened to the love?
Marc:Right.
Marc:And you still have it, and it's good.
Marc:Yeah, yeah.
Marc:Well, to be quite honest with you, I had it too.
Guest 7:Yeah.
Marc:Oh, now, all right, sorry.
Guest 7:Note to self.
Marc:Add that to listen.
Marc:It's a very empathetic audience, though, right?
Marc:I am broken hearted.
Guest 7:They're feeling broken hearted.
Guest 7:They're also very sad, yes.
Marc:No one wants to fuck me.
Marc:I'm broken hearted.
Marc:I had a dead baby.
Yeah.
Marc:I think we're going to get this list full.
Marc:We're going to make the whole list.
Guest 6:That should be the playing guy's suicide note.
Guest 6:I have it.
Marc:I have it.
Marc:I'm going to use it to intro Eddie.
Guest 7:Excellent.
Guest 7:Perfect.
Marc:Here's another thing I don't know about women.
Marc:Now you've revealed that guys, they go on the road and they fuck people in the audience or whoever will fuck them.
Guest 7:Whoever, too.
Guest 7:I mean, literally whoever.
Marc:I'm not talking about me.
Guest 7:No, no, and neither am I. What?
Marc:I've made some bad choices.
Guest 7:I had to be seriously drunk and just jones and hardcore.
Marc:That's funny because I'm sober, so I have to take it as it is.
Guest 7:Right.
Guest 7:Who wants to get laid?
Guest 7:I tried to get laid sober, by the way.
Guest 7:It is awkward.
Guest 7:Let me just say that.
Guest 7:It is very, very awkward.
Guest 7:It's not right.
Guest 6:That's not how you're supposed to do it.
Guest 7:No.
Guest 7:You're a stranger.
Guest 7:And guess what?
Guest 7:I'm not drunk enough for me to sleep with you.
Guest 7:I'm going to need to be drunker if this is going to happen.
Marc:But I mean, I know just from what I've talked to when I've talked to other guys, you know, that you jerk off a lot on the road.
Guest 7:Right.
Marc:That like you're in the hotel room.
Guest 7:That's what that's.
Guest 7:And you have all day and all day and a lot of male comics on the road.
Guest 7:That's why there's so much jerk off material because you write what you know.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Right.
Marc:Because like you have this fantasy, like, you know, I'm in a new city, I'm going to go check it out.
Marc:Then you realize the hotel's like out in the middle of fucking nowhere and there's a mall there.
Guest 7:Oh my God, the Ford dealership again?
Marc:Yeah, exactly.
Guest 7:It's like a museum.
Marc:Yeah, how many times do I go flirt with the girl at the Barnes and Noble before I'm just a sad guy that's from out of town?
Guest 7:Yeah, yeah.
Marc:And so what about that?
Marc:The masturbation thing?
Guest 7:Well, I mean, that was the weird thing about getting married is that when I, because I do indeed masturbate, as we all do, I think.
Guest 7:Or at least we give it a shot, right?
Guest 7:We give it a shot.
Guest 7:Sometimes I don't pleasure myself.
Guest 7:Why not?
Guest 7:It's very sad.
Guest 7:I get very angry with myself.
Marc:What do you mean?
Marc:Like you stop in the middle?
Guest 7:I'm just bored.
Marc:That is the fucking worst moment when jerking off doesn't work.
Guest 7:See, it's not just me.
Marc:No, it's the worst where you're like, at least I have this.
Marc:And then you're fucking going like, this isn't even working.
Marc:I've already eaten half a ricotta cheesecake and I can't even fucking jerk off.
Guest 7:Holy shit.
Guest 7:Recommit to chicken, by the way.
Guest 7:I love chicken.
Guest 7:But the thing is, when I started going out with Andy and then I got married, I was talking to a comic friend of mine.
Guest 7:And we were sitting there and I said, you know, is it weird that I have the same masturbation fantasy that I had before I got married?
Guest 7:I feel like I'm kind of cheating on him.
Guest 7:With the old dream lover Harlequin fucking romance dude or whatever I used to dream about.
Guest 7:And this classic comic, and Maria Bamford, there you go, didn't even look up.
Guest 7:Didn't even look up from whatever she was writing.
Guest 7:She just said, for Christ's sake, Jackie, write something.
LAUGHTER
Guest 7:And I was like, note to self.
Guest 7:It was really, it was a classic sort of comic on comic.
Guest 6:You should have a masturbation notebook where you write out your new fantasy.
Guest 7:Right, it's just like, if you could please get a cowboy.
Guest 7:There you go, cowboy.
Marc:Whatever it would be.
Marc:And so few people do the work to actually create their own fantasy.
Marc:LAUGHTER
Marc:because there's so much out there already made for you.
Guest 7:Busy writing a script.
Marc:Right, but to be quite honest, Wendy, when I go with my imagination as opposed to being lazy and watch other people fucking, I have people in there.
Marc:I have my mom's best friend from when I was 15, still there, frozen, timeless at the age I was sexually attracted to her at.
Marc:I got my friend's mom in there from when I was 14.
Marc:What?
Marc:What the fuck was that grown for?
Marc:What are we supposed to do?
Marc:We're 14, 15 years old.
Marc:What, are we going to jerk off to other 14-year-olds?
Marc:I mean, that's just wrong.
Guest 7:When you're 40.
Marc:You jerk off to grown-ups.
Marc:And it's very complicated.
Guest 6:Should your masturbation fantasies evolve as you age?
Marc:Well, I chose not to age those women because it's a little gross.
Guest 6:That would be great if they kept up with you.
Marc:But I never saw them again, but the fantasies just kept aging.
Guest 6:I'm like, this is weird.
Marc:I haven't seen that woman in 20 years and she's aging in my mind.
Guest 7:But did you see mingling wrinkles too?
Guest 7:Did you see it's complicated?
Marc:It's complicated.
Guest 7:Which is that mingling wrinkles, too.
Marc:The first one was that other one.
Marc:The response to this crowd was exactly the same as the Temple Graydon show.
Marc:You mentioned it's complicated, and they're like, I saw the coming attraction.
Marc:There was no way I was going to see that.
Guest 7:Snobs.
Guest 7:No, I saw it because I had to review it, and it is not good.
Guest 7:But the thing is...
Guest 7:Because it's people in their 60s and Alec Baldwin.
Guest 7:He was in his 50s, I guess, and she's 61.
Guest 7:Whatever.
Guest 7:When do we get to just fucking give up?
Guest 7:That's what I want to know.
Guest 7:When do I have to not try to keep being sexy?
Guest 7:I thought 65.
Guest 7:Call it a day.
Guest 7:Don't I get to just... When do I get to... That's a good question.
Guest 7:So even now, Meryl Streep is pressuring you.
Guest 7:Meryl Streep is pressuring me to get hot, work out, crunch.
Guest 7:It's not going to happen.
Guest 7:I don't know what I mean.
Marc:Jackie Cation, ladies and gentlemen.
Marc:That was great.
Marc:Thank you so much for coming.
Marc:Are you going to hang out?
Marc:Okay, good.
Marc:And now, folks, it's time for WTF's morning remembrance, or late evening remembrance, or whenever you're listening to this, it's our remembrance segment with our remembrance correspondent, Mort Mortensen.
Marc:Please.
Marc:Thank you.
Guest 2:glenn bell founder of taco bell glenn bell founder of taco bell has dropped his last chalupa apparently his heart stuffed with a delicious blend of three cheeses refused to pump another ounce of that zesty red sauce
Guest 2:Bell opened his first Taco Bell in 1962 using nothing more than some second-hand E. coli and absolutely no concept of what real Mexican food tastes like.
Guest 2:In 2007, Taco Bell made headlines after video cameras showed one of their restaurants getting overrun by rats.
Guest 2:In its defense, the company said the rats were just trying to get out.
Guest 2:You all right?
Guest 2:You need a cleaning?
Guest 2:I've got allergies.
Guest 2:Thanks a lot.
Guest 2:Thanks a lot.
Guest 2:Oh, God.
Guest 2:Bell requested his remains be wrapped in a warm tortilla, stuffed with hearty beans, and grilled to perfection.
Guest 2:Phil... You all right?
Guest 2:Yeah, I'm all right.
Guest 2:I mean, it's just... I got something in my eye.
Guest 2:Okay.
Guest 2:Phil Harris, captain on Deadliest Catch and advocate of the inverted food pyramid.
Guest 2:Ate a lot of bad things.
Marc:I know what you mean.
Guest 2:Phil Harris, captain of the Cornelia Marie, one of the crab fishing boats on the fantasy series Deadliest Catch, is now riding a rogue wave to the vast Dead Sea.
Guest 2:Witnesses say the hard-living, high-caloric sea captain suffered a massive stroke in port while attempting to offload three tons of Philadelphia cheesesteaks from his lower intestine.
Guest 2:That's a lot.
Guest 2:That's a lot.
Guest 2:Three tons from his... From his intestine.
Guest 2:That's a lot of meat.
Guest 2:I know.
Guest 2:You have to have a heavy... Yeah.
Guest 2:News came as a shock to viewers, but not to his friends, who knew his favorite meal was often cold coffee grounds mixed with congealed bacon fat and Xanax.
Guest 2:Guy did not have a good day.
Marc:Yeah, doesn't sound like it at all.
Guest 2:The crusty seafarer rose through the ranks of fishermen quickly, and by the time he was 20, became one of the youngest sea captains ever to have a 70-year-old body.
LAUGHTER
Guest 2:Did not take care of us.
Guest 2:Despite desperate pleadings from family and friends, the cantankerous Harris never changed his diet, and when the coroner split open his stomach, he found two half-digested sharks, a gallon of brake fluid, and a metal folding chair.
Guest 2:Remember, people, it drains to the sea.
Guest 2:Reportedly, his addiction for a stimulus became so bad, every time they'd approach a Mexican tanker, he'd order the crew to tie him to the mast.
Guest 2:That's an Odysseus reference.
Marc:I like it.
Marc:From the sirens, right?
Guest 2:Yeah, the sirens and everything.
Guest 2:Riding high on his popularity in 2008, Harris developed a line of coffees called Captain's Reserve, with blends named after fishing themes such as Midnight Sunrise Bland and Starboard Dolphin Bland, and I haven't seen a real woman in eight months, so excuse my raging boner blend.
Guest 2:And seriously, get out of my way.
Guest 2:I have a raging heart on, and you're the only warm thing in this cabin.
Guest 2:I don't care if you are my best friend's son, whom was entrusted to me for training on the high seas.
Guest 2:Stop looking at me like that.
Guest 2:No one has to find out.
Guest 2:And what if they did?
Guest 2:Do they know my pain?
Guest 2:The lonely months I spend out here hoping for the gentle touch of a reassuring hand?
Guest 2:You don't have to tell me.
Guest 2:I know what the others are saying behind my back.
Guest 2:They're all disloyal.
Guest 2:I tried to run the ship properly by the book, but they fought me at every turn.
Guest 2:Scoffing at me and spreading wild rumors about steaming in circles.
Guest 2:Now I was to blame for Lieutenant Merrick's incompetence and poor seamanship.
Guest 2:They laughed at me and made jokes, but I proved beyond a shadow of the doubt, with geometric logic, that it's possible to sew a dog's head onto a mackerel and sell it to schoolchildren.
Guest 2:Blend.
Guest 2:You know, Mark, Harris once stated, you're not a man until you pull the tooth out of your mouth with a pair of pliers.
Guest 2:He also said, you're not somebody's bitch until the crew has to pull a cleat knot out of your ass with a winch.
Guest 2:I've heard that.
Guest 2:Yeah, he said all these things.
Guest 2:In tribute to his memory, the show's production company ordered their writers to produce a special show about shit that actually happens this time.
Guest 2:This is a reality show.
Guest 2:You just never know what kind of stuff they make up.
Guest 2:Harris requested his remains be crammed inside a turkey, deep fried in chicken fat, and pickled inside a giant mason jar of Red Bull.
Guest 2:Thank you, Mort.
Guest 2:That was very incredible.
Thank you.
Marc:That was Mort Mortensen as played by Jim Earle.
Marc:Now we come to the punctuation of the WTF live broadcast.
Marc:And as I said before, I will introduce Eddie Pepitone with the words of Joseph Stack III, the software engineer who flew his plane into a building to take out the IRS.
Marc:I think only ended up killing one guy.
Marc:Yes, a human life was lost, but I think I was trying to explore the impotence of his gesture.
Marc:This is from the note.
Marc:And I'm serious, it is.
Marc:I can only hope that the American zombies wake up and revolt.
Marc:It will take nothing less.
Marc:I would only hope that by striking a nerve that stimulates the inevitable double standard knee-jerk government reaction that results in more stupid draconian restrictions, people wake up and begin to see the pompous political thugs and their mindless minions for what they are.
Marc:Violence not only is the answer, it is the only answer.
Marc:The cruel joke is that the really big chunks of shit at the top...
Marc:have known this all along and have been laughing at and using this awareness against fools like me all along.
Marc:Please welcome Eddie Pepitone.
Marc:Hi.
Marc:Do you want to stand?
Guest 4:Hey!
Guest 4:I need cords.
Okay.
Guest 4:Look, get in your seat.
Guest 4:No, it's that kind of shit that fucks us all up.
Guest 4:Let me tell you something.
Guest 4:This guy, what people don't know about this guy is that he was just flying into that building to make a payment arrangement.
Guest 4:And that's right, he was just flying into that building to make a payment arrangement, and I've been in that same situation.
Guest 4:I owed years and years and years of back taxes because I had no money.
Guest 4:And I wouldn't even open my mail.
Guest 4:You're a mailman?
Guest 4:Who's the mailman?
Guest 4:You are a mailman.
Guest 4:He was my enemy.
Guest 4:Anybody else?
Guest 4:Anybody else ever have that fear where you're afraid of your goddamn mailbox?
Guest 4:All of America now is coming down to me and Stark's level, okay?
Guest 4:Even though he was just flying in to make a payment fucking arrangement.
Guest 4:And I'll tell you, I would never let the IRS fucking do that to me.
Guest 4:All right?
Guest 4:I would never let them make me kill myself.
Guest 4:But you know why I want to kill myself?
Guest 4:I've been watching figures pass skating.
Guest 4:And that shit... No!
Guest 4:That's some June Benet Ramsey stuff.
Guest 4:Why does everybody in that sport, you know what I'm saying, look like he's a good supportive friend.
Guest 4:And he makes a terrific ricotta cheesecake.
Guest 5:Thank you.
Guest 4:But he is very aggressive if you don't eat it.
Guest 4:I had to drive from the valley to Eagle Rock or Highland Park, and it was fucking harrowing.
Guest 4:You ever get those directions?
Guest 4:Oh, a ride, Eddie.
Guest 4:Oh, just go on the 110 to the 101 to the fuck you, to the fuck you.
Guest 4:I don't need to hit four highways and 12 back streets.
Guest 4:In Highland Park for a goat to cheesecake.
Guest 4:And you didn't mention, but he was doing a marathon with his roommate, I don't even know what you're calling, with someone living with him, watching Six Feet Under.
Guest 4:All right, I walked into a Six Feet Under marathon, and he was like, all right, we're watching Six Feet Under, but grab a couple of... I felt like I was intruding.
Guest 4:And he hounded me for days, but that doesn't fucking get me off this fucking Winter Olympics shit.
Guest 4:The latest?
Guest 4:How bad is it?
Guest 4:This pair skating where these people, they look like they're small children and they wait to be judged.
Guest 4:They wait to be judged in those little boots after they toss each other up in the air in little sequined fucking gowns.
Guest 4:You know what?
Guest 4:These people will never, never utter the phrase, I'm gonna put a fist through your chest.
Guest 4:Because they're just so sterile.
Guest 4:They're just so sterile.
Guest 4:They don't know what life is like.
Guest 4:Let me tell you what life is like.
Guest 4:in 2010 America.
Guest 4:Life is like this.
Guest 4:You go into the supermarket, the prices are in fucking sane.
Guest 4:I looked at a head of celery.
Guest 4:I don't even know if you call it a head of celery.
Guest 4:It may be a stalk of celery, a bunch of celery.
Guest 4:All I know is that it's killing me.
Guest 4:Just one head of celery.
Guest 4:And then if you want to buy organic and try to take care of yourself, like if you want the shit that doesn't have pesticides, it costs way too much money if you're someone that NBC doesn't want.
Yeah.
Guest 4:And I can't whiten my teeth.
Guest 4:Do you know how much it costs to whiten?
Guest 4:I can't whiten my teeth.
Guest 4:I go into NBC and I'm just like, please, please let me be the wacky neighbor.
Guest 4:Please!
Guest 4:Please let... No, I'm at that point.
Guest 4:I used to think that I could have my own show.
Guest 4:The Eddie Peppertone Show with an exclamation point.
Guest 4:No.
Guest 4:No.
Guest 4:No, but yes, I know.
Guest 4:I would love it.
Guest 4:I would love it, but I would start the show by going, America, wake the fuck up, and NBC would put on Leno or whoever they fucking put up.
Guest 4:But I'm going to tell you something.
Guest 4:I was at the beach today with my girlfriend and I got too much fresh air.
Guest 4:I got too much fresh air because I feel very, very tired right now.
Guest 4:All right?
Guest 4:And that's a warning to people who want to get fresh fucking air.
Guest 4:Stay in the valley.
Guest 4:Stay in the canyons.
Guest 4:Don't go to the beach.
Guest 4:There were fucking seagulls and birds.
Guest 4:And it was cloudy.
Guest 4:And it was sunny.
Guest 4:And the ocean coming in.
Guest 4:And I always have so much pressure to try to be still.
Guest 4:I put so much pressure on myself to just let go.
Guest 4:of every fucking thought there is.
Guest 4:Because that's what the Buddhists say and the people in Eastern religion say.
Guest 4:They say you don't even fucking, it's all just bullshit, it's bullshit, it's bullshit, it's bullshit, that's what they say.
Guest 4:They say that we are responsible for putting ourselves in pain.
Guest 4:Our families, this, that, it doesn't mean anything.
Guest 4:It all comes from inside.
Guest 4:And I got this to say to the Buddhists, you're putting too much pressure on me.
Guest 4:You're putting too much.
Guest 4:No, they are.
Guest 4:The Buddhists with their fucking yoga and their yoga mats.
Guest 4:You ever go to a yoga?
Guest 4:I know you do yoga.
Guest 2:I do.
Guest 4:You do yoga.
Guest 4:These assholes, they're so angry.
Guest 4:No, the yoga people are so angry.
Guest 4:They got their little fucking mats and they suck.
Guest 4:They all suck.
Guest 4:Yeah.
Guest 4:You ever go into a yoga class and you're all like, get out of my space and all that shit.
Guest 4:I don't need it, Eastern philosophy people.
Guest 4:Let me be flawed.
Guest 4:All right?
Guest 4:What am I going to do?
Guest 4:Just, oh, nothing exists.
Guest 4:Nothing exists.
Guest 4:And the fresh air has gotten to me.
Marc:Eddie Peppertone.
Guest 4:Thanks, everybody.
Marc:You want that?
Marc:Eddie Peppertone.
Marc:Thank you for coming to this live taping of WTF at the UCB Theater in Los Angeles, California.
Marc:Go to punchwinemagazine.com for all of your comedy news needs and wtfpod.com for everything else.
Marc:Have a great night.
Marc:See you next time.
you