Episode 5 - John Oliver / Dr. Maron / Matthew
Guest 2:Lock the gates!
Marc:Are we doing this?
Marc:Really?
Marc:Wait for it.
Marc:Are we doing this?
Marc:Wait for it.
Marc:Pow!
Marc:What the fuck?
Marc:And it's also... Eh, what the fuck?
Marc:What's wrong with me?
Marc:It's time for WTF!
Guest 1:What the fuck?
Guest 1:With Mark Maron.
Marc:okay folks welcome to another episode of wtf with mark maron i am mark maron and what the fuck am i right am i right welcome aboard i'm glad you're here we have a great show today my friend john oliver who you know from the daily show will be on the phone with me in just a bit we're going to talk about british stuff and i guess about things that he's doing and then i'll probably impose on him things about my life because that's my style
Marc:Also, we're calling my father.
Marc:We're going to call my father who has some ideas about what I should be doing with my life.
Marc:He knows I'm in a bit of a transition now that I'm no longer working at the job I was working at for Air America and we're doing the podcast, but he doesn't quite understand that because he doesn't know how to get it.
Marc:And I got an email today saying, I don't know what this is.
Marc:I'm generationally challenged, he said, and that if you could show me how to do it, I would do it.
Marc:But if not, I want to talk to you about some things because I got some ideas.
Marc:So we're going to talk to my dad about his ideas for my future.
Marc:And if you're listening and you'd like to follow us on Twitter, you can go to twitter.com slash WTF pod.
Marc:Now let's get to the email.
Marc:If you want to email the show, you can email us at WTF pod at Gmail.
Marc:And the reason I'm doing that last is I got emails.
Marc:People are emailing their what the fuck experiences.
Marc:They're also emailing responses to things I've talked about.
Marc:And they're also sending us general responses to the show.
Marc:This first one from Michelle.
Marc:She says, my hair cutter is the only person I followed through this many venue changes.
Marc:And both of you are worth it.
Marc:Very nice.
Marc:Thanks for listening, Michelle.
Marc:Thanks for writing.
Marc:And this is in relation to the thing I did about Whole Foods, about stealing from Whole Foods, about taking that Stevia and feeling not so bad about it and encouraging others to do so.
Marc:Mark, I'm not as brave as you are going public, but I had to write and tell you I took your advice and walked out of the Columbus Circle Whole Foods with merchandise today.
Marc:It's the first time I've done anything like that.
Marc:I'm still processing my feelings about the whole thing and don't know if I'll do it again, but thanks for the experience.
Marc:I guess I'll leave her name out of it.
Marc:Congratulations on entering the world of crime.
Marc:This is from my buddy, Lucas Melandes, who's a comedian down in Austin.
Marc:Enjoy the premiere podcast, man.
Marc:Anytime I've willingly broken the law, the days always seem to fall into place much better.
Marc:I don't know the logic there.
Marc:I catch all the green lights, find parking right in front of where I'm looking to go.
Marc:I find an onion ring in my fries stuff.
Yeah.
Marc:Anyway, I don't want to bother you much, but it's good to have the podcast to look forward to each week.
Marc:Hope you keep pumping them out.
Marc:If you ever need someone to mentor, I'm in the midst of a belief system renovation.
Marc:I'd be a nice fixer upper.
Marc:Maybe I just need a haircut.
Marc:That's from Lucas.
Marc:Very funny.
Marc:We should get him on the phone.
Marc:But folks, I don't know if this email is real, but it thrilled me.
Marc:I was reading it and I couldn't believe it because it's believable, but it's written.
Marc:I don't even know how to explain it.
Marc:I'll explain it after.
Marc:Listen to your podcast and like the last 85% of it.
Marc:I have a problem with how you started out your segment on Whole Foods.
Marc:What you said about elitism and the crazy asshole who runs the place, John Mackey, is point on.
Marc:What you said about diarrhea is off-base and ignorant.
Marc:You had loose bowels.
Marc:Tough shit.
Marc:Shit happens.
Marc:To blame it on the salad bar shows how little you know about food.
Marc:There are tons of people who think that they received food poisoning or diarrhea from food establishments.
Marc:More times than not, this is bullshit.
Marc:More likely than not, you had something else going on in your body.
Marc:Your body was not used to having that much hummus.
Marc:Take accountability.
Marc:Maybe you will disprove my point and disprove is in quotations.
Marc:Maybe you will disprove my point by Googling it, but there's just as much info on the other side of this.
Marc:Both sides are out there.
Marc:There are many people who jump to conclusions from one experience slash limited experiences.
Marc:If every time you have too much hummus your bowels are loose, your system is not used to that much chickpeas.
Marc:Why not be more American and tell people how allergic you are to some benign ingredient like olive oil?
Marc:That would be the same narrow-minded conclusion.
Marc:I love your podcast, but you don't know shit about food.
Marc:I hope your narrow-mindedness makes you believe you get the shits from your favorite food.
Marc:That's from David.
Marc:I don't know if he's for real or not.
Marc:It was framed like a righteous response.
Marc:Do you know what I mean?
Marc:That like, I take issue.
Marc:Where's that line?
Marc:Oh, this sentence, I'm going to put it separately and print it and put it on my door.
Marc:What you said about diarrhea is off-based and ignorant.
Marc:Take accountability.
Marc:Oh, my God.
Marc:That was beautiful.
Marc:Thanks for the emails and keep them coming.
Marc:That's WTF pod at Gmail.
Marc:Keep sending them.
Marc:Send some more of your what the fuck experiences.
Marc:I had a sort of a what the fuck experience not too long ago in my neighborhood.
Marc:I live in a very ethnically diverse neighborhood.
Marc:I live in Astoria, Queens.
Marc:I don't know where anybody is from.
Marc:I do know where the people that seem to have grown up in Queens are from.
Marc:Queens, I like to call, outside of the incredible ethnic diversity, the borough of geniuses.
Marc:Because in Queens, within five minutes, if you stand on any corner, you can witness this conversation between two people that have lived there for years.
Marc:Why?
Marc:Huh?
Marc:What?
Marc:Oh yeah.
Marc:Right.
Marc:But that's not the real Queens.
Marc:That's the old Queens.
Marc:Now Queens, it used to be a Greek neighborhood.
Marc:Now I just, I don't know where everybody comes from and it doesn't make me uncomfortable.
Marc:I'm not racist.
Marc:I'm nervous.
Marc:It's really case by case.
Marc:It's not ethnicity specific.
Marc:And I think everybody's a little nervous when you see someone or something that is different.
Marc:You have a mild, uh,
Marc:Fear or panic, like I don't understand.
Marc:And then you integrate it and you talk to them or you see what it is and you're no longer frightened.
Marc:I think a lot of racism happens when people blame a certain thing or ethnicity.
Marc:Why am I saying thing?
Marc:That's not racist.
Marc:That's objectivist.
Marc:I don't even think that's right.
Marc:That's thingist.
Marc:But when you lump them all together, whoever they are, and you say that it's their fault and I hate them for doing it, then it's racism.
Marc:And then it doesn't even really become extreme racism until it's full of hate.
Marc:So I'm really at phase one and I'm comfortable there because I think that's human.
Marc:But the interesting thing about living in Queens is I have no idea where everyone's from.
Marc:I mean, there's one corner like down the street from me that it's literally like going to Egypt.
Marc:I know where they're from because it's Egypt.
Marc:There's Egyptian writing.
Marc:They're smoking hookahs in hookah shops.
Marc:There's Egyptian pastry shops and meat markets.
Marc:There's mosques.
Marc:I understand that.
Marc:That's all well and good.
Marc:I enjoy walking by there, maybe having some baklava or looking at a skewer of meat rotating in front of an open flame.
Marc:I know there's a lot of Greeks there.
Marc:I know that the Dominicans are there.
Marc:And I know that there's a few Italians and a few Irish.
Marc:When the N or the W comes out of the tunnel at Queensborough Plaza here in New York, it should be playing It's a Small World, after all, all the time.
Marc:It's like a Disney ride.
Marc:I mean, literally, I'm on the train.
Marc:I'm like, Eskimos?
Marc:There are Eskimos here?
Marc:It's summer and they're fully equipped and there's dogs?
Marc:But I exaggerate.
Marc:What I wanted to sort of explore is the fact that I, as an American...
Marc:I'm incredibly entitled, pathologically self-involved and selfish to the point where I don't appreciate the diversity as much as I should.
Marc:I don't take in what's going on around me.
Marc:I mean, I just found out that there is a bar around the corner from my house.
Marc:It's a Croatian bar.
Marc:I don't even know what that means.
Marc:I mean, I know it was bad there.
Marc:I know things happened.
Marc:I know there was war and conflict.
Marc:And I know it was a clusterfuck.
Marc:And now there's a bar around the corner that quite honestly, the back of the bar is on the back of my apartment and they're always playing loud music with the strange beat.
Marc:I'm not saying it's bad.
Marc:It's just not what I'm used to.
Marc:See, I don't want to be misunderstood, but I get very aggravated at the Croatian bar, but that's besides the point.
Marc:The point is I realized the other day that I could be walking down my street, you know, just consumed with Mark and
Marc:Just sort of like, God, I hope that joke works tonight.
Marc:I've tried it twice.
Marc:I still haven't got it quite right.
Marc:Whereas the guy walking towards me could literally be thinking, I can't believe they killed my family.
Marc:And I've just got to be a little more sensitive and a little more open and a little more respectful of the people around me.
Marc:Because it's a lot more interesting than living in my own stupid head.
Marc:Just today, I had the experience.
Marc:All right, look, sometimes I get my clothes washed, right?
Marc:Sometimes I pay to have my laundry done.
Marc:I admit it.
Marc:It ain't that big a deal.
Marc:And it beats spending four hours in a laundromat, though I like that too.
Marc:I've never feel better than watching my clothes tumble around a washer.
Marc:I find it very meditative.
Marc:I like to see, I feel like I'm doing something.
Marc:And then when you put it in the dryer, it's like I am almost done with something major.
Marc:But then I don't really like folding it.
Marc:But anyways, I get it done sometimes.
Marc:And the guy who owns my laundromat, it's a Korean guy.
Marc:He owns it with his wife.
Marc:And they have this Latino woman who does the washing for them.
Marc:I never thought twice about it.
Marc:But today, I'm going through my clothes.
Marc:I get back.
Marc:And someone had dumped bleach on all of my shit.
Marc:Not a lot of it.
Marc:Nothing major was damaged.
Marc:But there was bleach and there were spots.
Marc:And like I said, it wasn't anything important.
Marc:But I had paid to get it done.
Marc:So I had that weird battle with myself.
Marc:Is this that big a deal?
Marc:And I said, you know, I should bring this up to you.
Marc:A lot of this stuff got bleach dumped on it.
Marc:So I showed him, he's like, wow, we did this?
Marc:I'm like, I think you did do that.
Marc:And then he goes over to the poor Latino woman and he's showing her my dirty underwear that aren't white, obviously, or else the bleach wouldn't matter.
Marc:And a t-shirt that had bleach all over it.
Marc:And she looks at it and she looks at him and she says, no, I didn't do that.
Marc:And I, of course she did it.
Marc:I didn't do it.
Marc:I didn't do my laundry.
Marc:And she's like, no, I didn't do that.
Marc:And he's like, well, I think you did do it.
Marc:And, uh, and then he apologizes to me.
Marc:And you know what?
Marc:I gotta be honest with you.
Marc:I felt no better.
Marc:I felt shitty.
Marc:I felt bad, even though like I should have complained because it did happen.
Marc:And all I was really hoping for is he'd clean my clothes for free.
Marc:And then I just ended up feeling bad.
Marc:Like, you know, like what?
Marc:I got to bother that poor woman's potential employment because I'm a little baby.
Marc:Cause some bleach got on some underwear that cost me a nickel.
Marc:And I felt bad.
Marc:So I think what I'm trying to say is I'm opening up a little bit and I'm at least having feelings outside of my own stupid little world for people from other places in the world.
Marc:And he didn't give me my laundry for free, which I thought was fucking ridiculous.
Marc:I mean, what the fuck?
Marc:You fucked up my pants.
Marc:Give me a free load.
Marc:All right, right now with me on the phone, Daily Show correspondent.
Marc:He's also going to be on the new NBC sitcom Community.
Marc:He's got a podcast called The Daily Bugle with Andy Zaltzman.
Marc:He is the voiceover guy for BBC America as well.
Marc:Wow, you are a busy man.
Guest 4:That list really tailed off.
Guest 4:I'll say.
Guest 4:It got worse and worse and worse.
Guest 4:It started off okay.
Guest 4:And then you start thinking, oof, boy, I don't know about this guy.
Marc:I didn't get to say your name.
Marc:Just so everyone knows, this is John Oliver, ladies and gentlemen.
Guest 4:There you go.
Guest 4:It went even lower.
Marc:So, John, where the hell have you been?
Guest 4:What do you mean?
Marc:Well, you said you just got back.
Guest 4:Yeah, I've been at work.
Marc:Oh, well, that's not very exciting.
Marc:I thought you'd been traveling.
Guest 4:No, absolutely.
Guest 4:I've got no rock and roll story other than I was at work too long.
Guest 4:And now I'm back.
Marc:How many episodes of this sitcom did you shoot?
Guest 4:I did three.
Marc:Are you in the cast or are you a recurring character?
Guest 4:I think I'm not in the cast, so I guess I'm a recurring character.
Marc:Check your contract.
Marc:That stuff's important.
Guest 4:You know what?
Guest 4:I haven't actually read it.
Guest 4:I'm guessing I'm a recurring character in it, but I think I'm only going to recur three times.
Marc:How many did they shoot?
Marc:What, they shoot six or something?
Guest 4:Yeah, I think this was the first five, and then they're going to go, I can't do anymore because I've got to be at work.
Guest 4:So that was all I could do.
Guest 4:So I think I'd probably describe that as an occasional character, not even recurring.
Marc:I would think you'd have a few more details on this, but I don't mean to press you.
Marc:I don't want to make you uncomfortable.
Marc:What is this sitcom about, if you don't mind my asking?
Guest 4:Right.
Guest 4:weren't correct, so we have to go back to community college to get it, and that is the plot device.
Marc:Was this your first experience shooting situational comedy?
Guest 4:It was in America, yeah, not in England.
Marc:Did you enjoy it?
Marc:Did you have a hard time?
Guest 4:No, it was fun.
Guest 4:It was fun.
Guest 4:I mean, I'm not an actor, so when a director says to you, what do you think a character was doing before the scene?
Guest 4:You go, I don't know.
Guest 2:I have no idea.
Guest 4:I have no idea.
Guest 4:To be honest, I feel really ludicrous even thinking about that.
Guest 4:So how about I just try and say these words as funny as I can and then we all leave?
Marc:Right.
Marc:Why don't you ask the writer?
Marc:See if he's got some backstory for you.
Marc:That's right.
Marc:What do I look like?
Marc:There are jokes on a piece of paper.
Marc:I'm going to do those and you guys worry about the rest.
Guest 4:Let's not overcomplicate this.
Guest 4:It is a sitcom.
Marc:Well, look, do you think you English are better than us?
Guest 4:Wow.
Guest 4:So all of this up to this point has just been an hors d'oeuvre, hasn't it, Mark, to get to the main course, which is just getting straight to it.
Marc:Yeah, I do, yeah.
Marc:You do?
Marc:Yeah, yeah.
Marc:Now, because I've heard a lot about the I personally would like a public option because in about three months, I'm going to I'm going to be lose my coverage.
Marc:I'm just going to be stuck with faith based coverage, which really just entails me going, God, I hope that goes away a lot.
Guest 4:Your face is too shaky for that, Mark.
Guest 4:Way too shaky.
Marc:Exactly.
Marc:And now I hear a lot about the English system, and I've heard Stephen Hawkins came on NPR and talked through his voice box about how he wouldn't even be alive.
Marc:And then you hear the Republicans say, you know, the English are just bad and stupid, and they have no choice, and they wait online for a year.
Marc:But what has your experience been with the English system?
Guest 4:It's been weird because usually people in Britain have a very negative view of the NHS until Americans started criticizing it.
Guest 4:Then all of a sudden there was this, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, we can say that.
Guest 4:You can't say that.
Guest 4:It's our N-word, the NHS.
Guest 4:You're not allowed to talk about it like that.
Guest 4:We can do it.
Guest 4:In a model, it is the system that you want.
Guest 4:No one getting left behind, no matter what their circumstances.
Guest 4:But...
Guest 4:In practicality, it is a mess.
Guest 4:Long, long waiting lists and, as usual, you know, overtired, underpaid hospital staff.
Guest 4:You know, it's not the safest place, a British hospital, but, you know, at least you get in.
Marc:But long waiting lists is relative to, it's sort of like a triage situation, right?
Marc:I mean, if you come and you're like, my hand's off and I'm holding it, could you please put it back on?
Guest 4:Yeah, exactly, exactly.
Guest 4:Then they'll say, do you know what?
Guest 4:You get to go ahead of this guy who thinks he felt something in his foot.
Marc:Well, so that works.
Guest 4:I mean, it's simpler than it sounds.
Marc:Right.
Marc:I'm feeling lonely.
Marc:I'm a little sad.
Marc:And I think my toe hurts.
Marc:I'm going to go see that.
Marc:You're going to see that.
Guest 4:We go through the first two things and get to the third one.
Guest 4:That's fine.
Guest 4:But the first two are important.
Guest 4:I am lonely and sad.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:I mean, I've heard this argument before now.
Marc:But there's another thing I wanted to ask about the British.
Marc:Now, we are obviously entering the the end phase of our empire.
Marc:And that's
Guest 4:right how did you guys handle that well do you know what it's not a happy time but once once you push through that it gets it's plain sailing the other end as soon as you were losing it is not it's not great realizing you have someone else to blame is phenomenal then all your troubles just lift away and you wonder why you ever wanted to be number one in the first place
Guest 4:So there's nothing like a convenient economic scapegoat.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest 4:You know, you're going to get that soon.
Marc:Oh, really?
Marc:And who are we going to blame?
Guest 4:I think it's going to be the Chinese.
Guest 4:You did it.
Marc:Well, the sad thing is, is they might do it.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:You know, they haven't done it yet.
Marc:So maybe we're just waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Marc:What do you go back to England much or no?
Guest 4:No, I don't.
Guest 4:Partly because I'm applying for a green card at the moment, so I'm in lockdown.
Guest 4:I'm not allowed to leave the country.
Marc:What does that mean?
Marc:If you go, you can't leave again?
Guest 4:No, I can't go.
Guest 4:If I go, I can't get back in.
Marc:Oh, I see.
Guest 4:I'm not allowed.
Guest 4:I'm landlocked.
Guest 4:I can't leave America.
Guest 4:I've been having to give them blood tests and all kinds of ridiculous...
Guest 4:They've tested me for tuberculosis.
Marc:Oh, they're really trying to get rid of you, huh?
Marc:Yeah.
Guest 4:They think I'm like an 18th century English person.
Marc:You better watch it if they suggest that they put you in quarantine at Ellis Island.
Guest 4:Yeah, that's what I thought that place was shut down.
Guest 4:All of a sudden they started hosing me down.
Guest 4:Hey, hey, hey, I'm pretty sure you don't do this anymore.
Guest 4:Never mind.
Guest 4:Shake that powder on it.
Marc:What is it?
Marc:I think we just wrote a Daily Show segment.
Guest 4:There you go.
Guest 4:That just shows how depressingly easy it is.
Guest 4:Yeah.
Marc:So you've been here for a while, and I've seen you a few times, and everybody always talks about how difficult it is to make fun of Obama.
Marc:I think it's going to get less difficult very soon.
Guest 4:Yeah, to be honest, I'm not sure it's been that difficult anyway, because his ambition is inherently comic anyway, when you juxtapose it with the current events around the world.
Guest 4:You are mad.
Guest 2:Yeah.
Guest 4:You think you can do this?
Guest 4:You are out of your mind.
Guest 4:I don't want to be the old cynic saying, you know, good luck to you, but it's hard not to be.
Guest 4:I do find that he had, I absolutely buy the fact he is inspirational rhetoric because he's not been around
Guest 4:Right.
Guest 4:Right.
Guest 4:Right.
Guest 4:Right.
Guest 4:Right.
Guest 4:like no one else can.
Guest 4:Also, the economy has tanked, meaning that this is an absolutely vital thing to do just economically now.
Guest 4:So if people aren't willing to accept it with those two things in place, I don't think that you're ever going to get that perfect storm again.
Marc:Now, in terms of getting back to Britain, I have found that many Americans enjoy in a very, they're just crazy about British things.
Guest 4:Would you be more specific?
Marc:Oh, yeah.
Marc:The British, the Beatles, Eddie Izzard, T, you know, plaid.
Marc:And I and I don't I've never felt that.
Guest 4:Four things.
Guest 4:That is four specific things.
Marc:And I like, you know, I like the Beatles and Eddie Izzard.
Marc:I'm neither here nor there.
Marc:And I'll have a cup of tea occasionally.
Marc:But in plaid, I don't generally wear.
Marc:Sometimes in the summer, shirts with no sleeves.
Marc:But, you know, nothing.
Marc:But what is it about you people that we find so enchanting?
Marc:Is it that you were originally our bosses?
Marc:Have you put any thought into Anglophiles?
Guest 4:Well, first, I find the phrase you people extremely offensive, Mark.
Marc:I was trying to reach out.
Marc:Is that wrong?
Marc:Is that condescending?
Guest 4:I don't know why you do like us, really, because, you know, we weren't good bosses.
Guest 4:We're about as bad a boss as you can get.
Guest 4:So I don't know why it is.
Guest 4:I don't know if it's the echoes of ones being bossed around.
Guest 4:It's quite comforting in a way.
Marc:It's Stockholm Syndrome.
Guest 4:I think that's it.
Guest 4:I think that's what it was.
Guest 4:Because I don't think you want us back, but I think you like to know that we're there.
Marc:Right.
Marc:That explains the Beatles, Eddie Izzard, Plaid, and T. It's Stockholm Syndrome.
Guest 4:There you go.
Guest 4:Yeah, that makes sense.
Marc:Tell me a little about your podcast, because I very much enjoy your comedy and also your friend Andy's, who I met when I was in Ireland.
Marc:He's a very smart guy.
Guest 4:He's great, yeah.
Guest 4:We just do this weekly kind of roundup of stories.
Guest 4:We got offered to do it just before I left for America.
Guest 4:So, as you know, it was just after I left for America.
Guest 4:So it's a good way for us to kind of keep...
Guest 4:writing stuff together, even though we kind of write apart and then just have these half-thought-through ideas and talk it through.
Guest 4:But podcasts are fun.
Marc:Yeah, I am enjoying it.
Guest 4:It's fun to have complete autonomy.
Marc:I know, it's amazing.
Marc:And then people listen to it on top of that.
Guest 4:Well, yeah, and I've found that since...
Guest 4:since doing it i listen to a lot of podcasts now just because it's you know it's convenient on the way to work and i like the fact you seem to get a much more interesting sample of stuff so it's yeah i love it awesome so now you're back at the daily show yeah we're back we're working uh without doing shows this week and then we're back doing shows next week what does it mean then that you're working you guys are writing and producing things yeah we're just writing trying to get ahead how's john doing is he all right
Guest 4:He's fine.
Guest 4:Same old.
Marc:Yeah, I don't know what that means, but I'm not going to press you on it.
Guest 4:He's great.
Guest 4:I mean, he was great.
Guest 4:He's always been great.
Guest 4:So that is his default state.
Marc:Now, are you doing any movies coming up?
Guest 4:No.
Marc:Have you done any movies?
Guest 4:Yeah, I did.
Guest 4:Have I done any movies?
Guest 4:Mark, you clearly didn't see the worst film of last year.
Marc:What's that?
Guest 4:Love Guru.
Marc:Oh, you got good agents.
Marc:So I bet your community is going to be a big hit.
Guest 4:I've got the kiss of death.
Guest 4:I'm 0 for 1 in the biggest way with movies.
Marc:You were in the Love Guru?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:What was your character's name?
Guest 4:Get ready.
Guest 4:Get ready.
Guest 4:Dick Pants.
Marc:Dick Pants.
Guest 4:Yeah.
Marc:Wow.
Guest 4:In fact, just like the actor thing, someone said to me, they were doing interviews for the DVD.
Guest 4:She actually said to me, how did you create the character of Dick Pants?
Guest 4:What?
Guest 4:Listen to what you just said.
Guest 4:The answer to your question is in it.
Marc:There is no character.
Marc:What was Dick Pants doing last week?
Marc:Oh, that's great.
Marc:Well, thank God.
Marc:Thank God you have The Daily Show to go home to.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest 4:You better believe it.
Guest 4:Otherwise, when I leave that show, my career is going down.
Marc:Well, it's just your salvation, you know?
Marc:It was great talking to you, John.
Marc:I hope I see you soon.
Marc:You too, mate.
Marc:Okay, buddy.
Guest 4:Bye.
Bye-bye.
Marc:so that was john oliver from the daily show or uh some of you might know him as dick pants from the love guru and he can be seen in the upcoming sitcom community where he has a we weren't able to get clarity on on what his role will be in terms of who he is in the cast whether it's recurring occasional or a fluke
Marc:All right, so we're going to call my dad because I talked to him the other day, and he seems to have a lot of ideas about what I should be doing with my life.
Marc:And I think we've got to call a cell.
Marc:He's probably at work.
Marc:Hey, Dad, it's Mark.
Marc:What are you doing?
Guest 3:Yeah, somebody had cut the finger open and the knuckle on the shower door and then never got it treated, so I had to take it apart and redo it here in the office two days ago.
Guest 3:It looks perfect.
Marc:You took apart her finger?
Guest 3:I took apart the opening that she had cut into the tendon and the skin into the joint, and I reconstructed the joint, and I didn't expect it to really heal, but it healed me nicely.
Marc:Are you allowed to just do that?
Guest 3:Yeah, I can do that.
Guest 3:You're allowed to do that.
Guest 3:We do minor surgery here.
Marc:Oh, all right.
Marc:You're just doing it right out there at the storefront, right?
Marc:The strip mall?
Guest 3:Yep.
Guest 3:Yeah, we do.
Marc:That's terrific.
Marc:You're like a doctor in the Wild West.
Yeah.
Guest 3:I'm a doctor.
Guest 3:That's right.
Guest 3:Doc Frail.
Guest 3:I mean, who's Doc Frail?
Guest 3:Do you remember that name?
Marc:I have no idea what you're talking about.
Guest 3:Yeah, Doc, who was the one, the hanging tree?
Guest 3:Remember, they found that...
Guest 3:That glory hole, and then they wanted to hang the guy as a demon.
Marc:A glory hole?
Marc:Is this a gay story?
Guest 3:No, no.
Guest 3:It was a glory hole, meaning it was full of nuggets, gold nuggets.
Marc:Oh.
Guest 3:I think it was Doc Frail.
Guest 3:His wife had died in a fire.
Guest 3:They thought he had started.
Guest 3:The other famous doctor, who was that famous doctor who was with?
Guest 3:Oh, one of the law enforcement guys, the old-time West.
Marc:Doc Holliday?
Guest 3:Yeah, Doc Holliday.
Marc:I don't think he was a real doctor, though.
Guest 3:That I don't know.
Guest 3:Yeah, you're right.
Guest 3:Could possibly be.
Marc:So if you were Doc Holliday, you'd probably be drunk and shooting your patient.
Guest 3:That's right.
Marc:Well, I don't know.
Marc:I just want to talk about these, you know, these job ideas you had for me because I found them to be compelling.
Marc:Because, you know, I am in between things right now.
Marc:And you had suggested, I'm not sure I quite understood the one with the TVs.
Yeah.
Guest 3:Rick, refresh my memory.
Guest 3:What did I say?
Marc:It's something to do with McDonald's and Wendy's.
Guest 3:Oh, okay.
Guest 3:Yes, yes, yes.
Guest 3:Well, it goes back to me.
Guest 3:What I was going to do was have a wellness thing.
Guest 3:at a Wendy's or any fast food store.
Guest 3:You know, it's an international business.
Guest 3:I was going to say, fine.
Guest 3:I wanted a contract to put a new disc in there every month, let's say, on a factor of wellness.
Marc:Wait, wait, wait.
Marc:We skipped a beat here.
Marc:So a disc into what?
Guest 3:I wanted to create a, make a disc, give a lecture, make a lecture on a CD.
Guest 2:Yeah.
Guest 3:That would be then sent to all McDonald's.
Guest 3:And then people would have the option to sit at a table,
Guest 3:And pick a topic.
Guest 3:Pick a topic on what they wanted to listen to as far as health education went.
Marc:Okay, this would be at every table?
Guest 3:No, we have a select section of them just to see how it works.
Guest 3:If it works well, then it might be a very lucrative thing for them because people might want to sit there and eat more hamburgers and hot dogs and crappy French fries, you know, and then they would be making money.
Guest 3:It would be lucrative.
Marc:But you'd be actually showing them videos on reasons why they shouldn't eat that shit.
Guest 3:Exactly.
Marc:I'm sure they'd welcome that business opportunity.
Guest 3:I had that argument before.
Marc:Right.
Guest 3:Yeah.
Guest 3:So then when I was talking to you, I just extrapolated that idea and say, well, you've got all this talent.
Guest 3:You're a fantastic comedian.
Guest 3:You've got great timing.
Guest 3:Well, why not start putting out a series of discs where they can sit down and have their food, any restaurant you want, let's say McDonald's,
Guest 3:have their food, and sit down at this little screen, individual screen, like an individual little jukebox.
Guest 3:In the old days when you had a jukebox to play, it's sitting at the counter.
Guest 3:And they could play anything they wanted, you know, from wellness, let's say, to comedic entertainment, to whatever they want, to sporting events, you know, pick a sporting event, and just have a menu.
Guest 3:Here's your menu, and come on in and eat.
Guest 3:and pick your entertainment while you're sitting there.
Guest 2:Okay.
Guest 3:I thought it would be simple and would work.
Guest 3:It doesn't take much investment on the part of you, me, or anyone else doing it.
Guest 3:It only takes investment on the part of the store to set up a little CD set up with a screen so that people can eat and watch a screen.
Marc:Right.
Marc:But this is something we'd have to probably go to McDonald's headquarters or Wendy's or...
Guest 3:Exactly, but imagine if they took it.
Guest 3:It's an international business, man, and all you're doing is putting out one disc a month and sending it around the world.
Guest 3:I don't think you can beat that kind of passive income.
Marc:No, I think you're right.
Marc:So let's do it.
Marc:Why don't you make the calls?
Guest 3:I had it all set up.
Guest 3:I had the speech and everything.
Guest 3:I was going to go to headquarters at McDonald's, Wendy's, and whatever.
Marc:Oh, yeah?
Guest 3:Calls Juniors or something.
Guest 3:I was going to try to do that.
Guest 3:But I haven't done it yet.
Guest 3:I haven't had the time.
Marc:Oh, all right.
Guest 3:I think it could be a winner.
Marc:Yeah, no, I think so, too.
Marc:All right, so maybe when I come out there, we'll take a trip.
Marc:We'll go to McDonald's and Wendy's and Carl's Jr.'s.
Marc:You don't want to just start at the store, though.
Marc:That'd be awkward.
Marc:You want to go to the headquarters.
Guest 3:Yeah, I don't think going to the store would help unless I wanted to walk up and down in front with a stretcher and a scapula in my hand and a white coat on.
Guest 3:I don't know what kind of advertising I could generate like that.
Guest 3:If I got corporate on my side, then it's a done deal.
Marc:Right, right, of course.
Marc:All right, so we'll just hammer this out.
Marc:We'll just take our time, and we'll hammer it out, and then me and you are going to be rich, and we'll just have a machine make the discs, and a guy shoot them, and we'll put them in a warehouse, and we'll have all these TV sets at all the McDonald's and Wendy's and Carl's Jr.'s.
Guest 3:I've thought about this many times.
Guest 3:I think, simple as it sounds,
Guest 3:Those kind of things often work without a lot of big investment.
Marc:All right.
Marc:Well, I'll put some thought into it, and I appreciate it.
Marc:Maybe you should give a little more time to your patient there.
Guest 3:Okay.
Guest 3:Thanks for calling.
Marc:I love you.
Marc:Bye-bye.
Marc:Okay.
Marc:So I guess that's what I'm going to be doing.
Marc:My dad said it's pretty easy.
Marc:Basically, what we're going to do is we're going to sell McDonald's, Carl's Jr., and Wendy's.
Marc:I guess what you would call a system where they put a TV screen or two in a screening area of their restaurants around the world where we would supply them with discs on either wellness or comedy.
Marc:And people would, I guess, pay or maybe not pay.
Marc:And apparently all these places would be very grateful to have this at their business.
Marc:And there was some talk that we'd have to start at corporate or else my dad would have to walk in front of the place wearing a white coat with a scalpel, which I don't know.
Marc:It was an advertising idea that would seem to be fleeting.
Marc:But...
Marc:But according to him, this is a no-brainer.
Marc:So when he's got time, I think it was really the main reason it seems that he didn't embark on this was the time issue.
Marc:So when he's got time, I guess we'll get started on that.
Marc:Okay, all right.
Marc:Okay, now it's time for a few with Matthew, with Matthew Weiss, my friend, kind of.
Marc:I don't know if you're supposed to pay friends, but he had some issue with texting.
Marc:We have a texting problem.
Guest 1:You know, I'm helping Mark put together these DVDs for his pitch for this pilot thing.
Guest 1:And so I made a couple DVDs.
Guest 1:And I gave them to him.
Guest 1:And we sat there for a couple hours while they processed.
Guest 1:And we laid out the menus and made it look real nice.
Guest 1:So I get a text today and a voicemail.
Guest 1:I get out of the shower and I see two calls from Mark, text, two texts, and a voicemail.
Guest 1:The voicemail says, the DVD's not working.
Guest 1:And I get another text that's like, this thing doesn't work.
Guest 1:The menu button doesn't work.
Guest 1:And I actually say, like, what do you mean?
Marc:Is that the voice my text has?
Guest 1:Yeah.
Marc:Matthew?
Guest 1:Yeah.
Marc:That's the voice my text has.
Guest 1:Exactly.
Guest 1:That's how I hear it.
Guest 1:This isn't working.
Guest 1:That's how my text talks.
Guest 1:Yeah, it's petulant, demanding, and vaguely also scared.
Guest 1:So I'm not necessarily saying it's all directed at me.
Guest 1:It's frustrated and scared.
Guest 1:You know, it said, here's the text.
Marc:I don't know how you get that out of that.
Marc:I can't believe that's the voice you give my texts.
Guest 1:Fuck!
Guest 1:There's something wrong with the DVD menu.
Guest 1:Okay, that's all I get, is there's something wrong, and I'm meant to interpret that, find the answer.
Marc:Well, let me give a little backstory.
Guest 1:Right.
Marc:All right, the backstory is that we put together a DVD with three episodes of stuff that I cut to be seen as potential pilots for a TV show, and add some other stuff on there, so we made this DVD.
Marc:And he went through this big thing where it's like, I don't know if I can put this on your computer.
Marc:Oh, we can.
Marc:Look, you have IDVD.
Marc:And then we put it on my computer.
Marc:Then I burned a couple.
Marc:I took the two you had.
Marc:I put it into my computer.
Marc:And I couldn't get it that I couldn't click on the menu options other than the first two.
Marc:And then the rest of them wouldn't work.
Marc:And then you got what text?
Guest 1:Yeah, that's already way more information than you were able to.
Marc:What did it say again?
Guest 1:Fuck the DVD.
Guest 1:Wait, here it is.
Guest 1:Fuck.
Guest 1:There's something wrong with the DVD menu.
Guest 1:Well, that's true.
Guest 1:Okay.
Guest 1:There's one vague word after the other.
Guest 1:Fuck.
Guest 1:So, okay.
Guest 1:So I should feel like this is important.
Guest 1:Then there's something that's vague.
Guest 1:Wrong.
Guest 1:Okay.
Guest 1:That's bad.
Guest 1:So at least I get there's something bad.
Marc:And then what'd you write to me?
Marc:Could you explain it?
Guest 1:And then I wrote, what?
Guest 1:Right.
Guest 1:And then he wrote back, can't select.
Guest 1:I'll try it on the TV.
Guest 1:Can't select.
Guest 1:Oh, my God.
Guest 1:I'm not like reading tea leaves of DVD menus.
Marc:What did you say?
Guest 1:And then I wrote, kind of defensively, it worked for me.
Guest 1:Maybe you're doing it wrong.
Marc:Right.
Marc:You know how I read that?
Guest 1:Yeah.
Guest 1:What are you, fucking retarded?
Guest 1:That's exactly how I meant it.
Guest 1:And then how did I respond to that?
Guest 1:Works on TV.
Guest 1:Computer didn't work.
Guest 1:Who knows?
What?
Guest 1:Works on TV.
Guest 1:Computer didn't work.
Guest 1:Who knows?
Guest 1:And I write back now.
Guest 1:Now I realize that I'm in for it.
Guest 1:So I write back.
Guest 1:What do you mean specifically by wouldn't work?
Guest 1:If you want to bring it and your computer tonight, I can check it out for you.
Guest 1:Now I've gone to like talking to the three year old voice.
Marc:And then what are the three year old?
Guest 1:Menu buttons didn't work right.
Guest 1:But they work on the TV.
Guest 1:What?
Guest 1:What do you mean work right?
Guest 1:I write back.
Guest 1:Please be specific.
Guest 2:Yeah.
Guest 1:This gets closer to, you know, it's still the same voice, but it's a little more calm.
Guest 1:I could only get episode one and episode two to play.
Guest 1:The others didn't give me the option to select them.
Guest 1:And I just wrote back weird.
Marc:And that was the end of it?
Guest 1:And then you wrote, might be my machine.
Guest 1:And then I wrote two things you never really wrote back to.
Guest 1:Were these the DVDs I gave you or the ones you made?
Guest 1:Now trying to find fault with you instead of me.
Guest 1:Because I made the DVDs.
Guest 1:And how were you selecting?
Guest 1:With the mouse or the arrows?
Guest 1:You know, we're trying to diagnose here.
Guest 1:You're just like, Dr. Pain!
Guest 1:Pain in here.
Guest 1:Something hurt.
Marc:But the sad thing about this, like about midway through that thing, I was like, why don't we just talk on the phone?
Guest 1:Why am I doing this?
Guest 1:Well, you don't have to yell.
Guest 1:That's why.
Guest 1:Because you can't yell on a text.
Marc:I didn't understand what was happening.
Marc:And then I realized after I played it on the TV, that was probably my computer, that there's something wrong with the DVD player.
Marc:And part of me was like, I got to send these out.
Marc:I need to get them out to the people I want to get them out to.
Guest 1:Yeah, there's panic in there.
Guest 1:I get it.
Guest 1:I get it.
Marc:There wasn't a lot of panic.
Guest 1:Not a lot, just enough.
Marc:I didn't want to have to go over to your house again and wait for three hours.
Guest 1:Right.
Marc:Oh, here we go.
Marc:You did something and charged me for it.
Guest 1:Things take time.
Guest 1:Wait, let's see if I can play the one voicemail because it's... I called you?
Guest 1:Okay, here we go.
Marc:Hey, man, there's something wrong with the DVD.
Guest 1:Click.
Click.
Guest 1:And that was kind of whiny.
Guest 1:Hey, man, there's something wrong with the DVDs.
Marc:No, let's get to what the real issue was, is that because I said anything at all, it implied that you did something wrong.
Guest 1:Well, yeah, that's true.
Guest 1:That's my side of it.
Marc:And then we were just kind of danced around this idea that you did something wrong.
Marc:And then I think I realized after we texted like teenage girls for a half an hour that maybe there was nothing wrong with it.
Marc:And I was done talking to you.
Guest 1:Yeah, that was great.
Guest 1:Sometimes I wish I could just be out of that and let it just flame out by itself, and then you'll get back to me later.
Marc:No, this is part of it.
Guest 1:Was I helpful?
Guest 1:Was what I said to you at all helpful to get you to... It became annoying after a while.
Marc:You were sort of like Mr. Science.
Guest 1:I don't want to be any more specific about where it hurts.
Marc:I understand that they were a little more vague, and perhaps I should... And a kind of a demand.
Guest 1:That's the part that really... Oh, the demand.
Guest 1:Why aren't you here?
Guest 1:Why aren't you helping me?
Guest 1:That's right.
Guest 1:Yeah.
Guest 1:I get it.
Guest 1:Look, I don't.
Guest 1:You made him.
Guest 1:Okay, here we go.
Guest 1:But look, I'm not blaming you for wanting to have somebody right there to help you right away.
Guest 1:I'm just trying to set you up for what you might be able to expect when I have my own life.
Marc:You know what happens to me when he talks and when he does this stuff is I actually become, like, my eyes glaze over like a child.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:And, like, I no longer understand what I'm supposed to learn or why he's still talking.
Guest 1:I know mommy's mad.
Guest 1:I can't remember why.
Marc:No, it's not even that.
Marc:It's just sort of like, okay, I guess this ends with me saying, Matthew, you were right.
Marc:Okay?
Guest 1:Does that make you feel better?
Guest 1:I mean, it's a start.
Guest 1:If it was genuine, it would be better.
Guest 1:Oh, my God.
Guest 1:People are going to think we're so gay.
Guest 1:They already do think we're gay.
Guest 1:We're not gay.
Guest 1:We're just well-groomed.
Guest 1:No, we're weird, neurotic, ridiculous.
Guest 1:Yeah, just because we're desperate for emotional connection doesn't make us gay.
Marc:Is it wrong to break up over text?
Marc:Because I'm breaking up with you right now.
Guest 1:Sure.
Guest 1:Be specific, though.
Marc:Matthew, all done.
Marc:What the fuck?
Marc:Seriously, what the fuck?
Marc:Or what the fuck?
Marc:Why not?
Marc:It's been a great show.
Marc:I want to thank my guest, John Oliver.
Marc:I want to thank my dad for doing the show.
Marc:I still have some problems with him on other levels, but we'll work it out.
Marc:Also, again, if you want to follow us on Twitter, it's WTFpod at twitter.com slash WTFpod.
Marc:You can email us with anything you want at WTFpod at Gmail.
Marc:We'll talk to you next time.
Marc:Thanks for listening.
you