Episode 463 - Dana Gould, Dave Anthony, Paul Gilmartin, Aisha Tyler, Jimmy Pardo
Guest:Lock the gates!
Guest:Are we doing this?
Guest:Really?
Guest:Wait for it.
Guest:Are we doing this?
Guest:Wait for it.
Guest:Pow!
Guest:What the fuck?
Guest:I'm a Judea.
Guest:And it's also... Eh, what the fuck?
Guest:What's wrong with me?
Guest:It's time for WTF!
Guest:What the fuck?
Guest:With Mark Marion.
Guest:Alright, let's do this!
Guest:How are you, what the fuckers?
Guest:What the fuck buddies?
Guest:What the fuck in here?
Guest:What the fuck is sugar nuts?
What the fuck?
Guest:Welcome to the second annual LA podcast of The Ride WTF.
Guest:I am Marc Maron.
Guest:Nice to see you.
Marc:Nice.
Marc:Wow, that was an abrupt cut to that music.
Marc:Where's the delicate fade?
Marc:No, I'm just standing here audio naked.
Marc:Thank you for coming out.
Marc:Look at this.
Marc:There's a guy moving with a camera.
Marc:We're streaming live on a thing.
Marc:I should know the name of that company.
Marc:Why not throw him a bone?
Marc:What's the name?
Marc:Daily Motion is streaming us.
Marc:How are you?
Marc:I'm Marc Maron.
Marc:If you're sitting at home trying to get this, where the fuck is it?
Marc:Where is it streaming?
Marc:Nice to see you.
Marc:We have a wonderful show planned.
Marc:Thank you for coming out and supporting PodFest.
Marc:My friend Dave needs to earn a living.
Marc:It's a great thing, and I know a lot of people who have traveled.
Marc:Who has traveled here from afar?
Marc:Holy shit, are you serious?
Marc:Where'd you come from?
Marc:Washington DC.
Marc:Washington DC, you got out.
Marc:Good.
Marc:Fuck that shit, right?
Marc:No one's working there.
Marc:Where'd you come from?
Marc:Sydney, Australia.
Sydney, Australia?
Marc:Really?
Marc:You flew like 18 hours?
Marc:Just for this show?
Marc:Or just for the festival?
Marc:You can say a nice thing.
Marc:Yeah, just for this show.
Marc:Well, welcome.
Marc:Sydney's beautiful.
Marc:That beach there is nice.
Marc:And they got the weird pool.
Marc:What is that?
Marc:Bonsai?
Marc:Bondi Beach.
Marc:Very nice.
Marc:Look at me trying to bond.
Marc:This is like the worst crowd work ever.
Marc:The crowd work guy that doesn't make jokes.
Marc:Oh, that's interesting.
Marc:That's good.
Marc:Yeah, that sounds great.
Marc:You got good lamb down there, right?
Marc:Because they have it at the TJ's.
Marc:Oh, that's New Zealand.
Marc:I'm sorry.
Marc:Stupid, right?
Marc:You ever go there to New Zealand at all?
Marc:All right, great talking to you.
Marc:Let me see other hands from people out.
Marc:Where are you from, buddy?
Marc:Haircut.
Marc:Boston, Mass.
Marc:What part?
Marc:Brighton.
Marc:Brighton.
Marc:Oh, yeah?
Marc:I used to live up by there.
Marc:You know, I used to live in Alston, you know, back in the day, like by, again, boring crowd work.
Marc:Right by, you know where the Deli King used to be?
Marc:How long have you been living there?
Marc:Did you grow up there?
Marc:I didn't grow up there.
Marc:All right, fuck it.
Marc:What else?
Marc:Welcome, welcome.
Marc:Where are you from, guy?
Marc:Wyoming.
Marc:Wyoming?
Marc:Yes, sir.
Marc:Holy shit.
Marc:What's going on up there?
Marc:No, seriously, in one word.
Marc:Really?
Marc:Snow already?
Marc:One inch an hour in Wyoming?
Marc:Holy, is your family okay?
Marc:Is the farm going to be alright?
Marc:Are all the animals in?
Marc:What do you do up there?
Marc:At a bar and a hotel?
Marc:You could do that anywhere.
Marc:Why don't you leave?
Marc:Boom.
Marc:That's crowd work, right?
Marc:Where did I pick up that boom thing?
Marc:I'm not a guy who says boom.
Marc:I'm not a guy who picks up on random Twitter memes and says them out loud.
Marc:Boom.
Marc:Where's other people from?
Marc:Britain, right?
Marc:Got Britain in the house.
Marc:Good.
Marc:Really?
Marc:More Britain over there?
Marc:Where?
Marc:They just like Britain.
Marc:Anglophiles.
Marc:Look at that.
Marc:People still coming in.
Marc:This is a riveting podcast so far.
Marc:We're fucking doing some great work here.
Marc:Jake Johansson in the back.
Marc:Nice to see you, Jake.
Marc:Jimmy Pardo just told me that he has never met you before so I'm gonna facilitate that in a minute so just hang tight if you could to meet Jimmy Pardo well he said to me he says you know what I'm not gonna meet him I'm gonna spend the rest of my life not meeting him and I said fuck that let's end this
Marc:let's make this happen uh what do i got to talk to you about lovely santa monica there's a beach out there that you can still be miserable at um if you focus a lot of people come to the beach and they're like this is great no just change your perception i'm fucked do that at the beach is that the wrong way to look at things
Marc:I'm going to try something in a minute.
Marc:I did want to tell this story because I didn't want to tell this story.
Marc:I haven't told it yet.
Marc:But a while back, I mistakenly talked about on the podcast how easy it is to find just about anyone's address.
Marc:If your house is in your name, it's relatively easy to find your address.
Marc:Now, I made the mistake of doing that on the podcast, and now I'm streaming it.
Marc:But...
Marc:But whatever, it's neither here nor there, except about a month ago, my doorbell rings.
Marc:Yeah, my doorbell rings.
Marc:And I open the door, and he's just a young, hipstery-looking dude.
Marc:And I go, what's up?
Marc:He's like, remember when you said on the show?
Marc:And I'm like, so what are you saying?
Marc:He's like, well, I found it.
Marc:And I genuinely think he was surprised.
Marc:Like, he made this journey.
Marc:It was a good idea in his mind.
Marc:He's like, well, let's just go fucking do it.
Marc:Let's go see Maren.
Marc:And then once he had me face-to-face, he was like, I don't know what happens now.
Marc:And I'm like, well, this weird dude is what I said.
Marc:I said, this is a little uncool because I don't know you.
Marc:And he's like, I know.
Marc:I know.
Marc:It's fucking fucked up.
Marc:Yeah, it is.
Marc:It's fucked up.
Marc:So what do you want to do?
Marc:He's like, I don't know.
Marc:And I'm like, well, why'd you do this?
Marc:It's creepy, man.
Marc:It's creepy.
Marc:But me, Mr. Boundaryless, right?
Marc:Like this guy stalks me to my house.
Marc:And then I see there's two women with him that are standing sort of looking at us like that.
Marc:And I'm like, who are they?
Marc:And he's like, they're in my band.
Marc:We're in a band.
Marc:So I'm like, well, what do you guys want?
Marc:And then all of a sudden they're doing that thing where they're like, we thought it was stupid that he did this, but he didn't.
Marc:I don't know.
Marc:So now I'm sitting there with what I've decided are normal people.
Marc:I said to the guy, I said, all right, well, this is fucked up, but do you want to see the garage?
Marc:No, because I don't know.
Marc:There's some part of me... It was wrong.
Marc:It was a little creepy.
Marc:But you know when you just do that thing where you're like, fuck it, let's go see this.
Marc:Because people have come by and put stickers on my wall, which is weird, too.
Marc:You know what I mean?
Marc:And now I have neighbors that sort of, like, linger a little bit.
Marc:You know?
Marc:And, like, if I were, like, his age and, like, we were on a road trip and you were with some people and you, like, were just sort of like, fuck, let's just go see if that... Let's just go over there.
Guest:I got to respect that.
Guest:Would it, like...
Marc:Right, because it's a tricky situation, because I was sort of fucked.
Marc:All right, so that guy comes to my house, right?
Marc:And let's say I'm like, who the fuck are you?
Marc:Get the fuck off of my yard.
Marc:Tweet, Maren's a dick, just went by his house.
Marc:And what am I going to get into it?
Marc:Like, you came by without, I don't know you.
Marc:And then he's like, see, dick.
Marc:You know, like, what am I going to do with that?
Marc:I was cornered by the internet.
Sorry.
Marc:I'll do a Q&A if you want right now.
Marc:Does anyone want to come to that microphone and do a short what the fuck with me?
Marc:Hands.
Marc:Come on, don't be, anyone, any questions?
Marc:Come on, you want to come up here, Sydney?
Marc:What's your name?
Marc:Alice, nice to meet you.
Marc:Alice from Australia.
Marc:Please.
Guest:Do you want me to interview you or you just want to ask a question?
Guest:Look at you professional with the mic stand.
Guest:What do you do, Alice?
Guest:I'm a comedian.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:Who are your guys?
Guest:I'm British tradition, Monty Python, all those guys.
Guest:Oh, cool.
Guest:That's cool.
Guest:What's your last name?
Guest:You might as well plug yourself.
Guest:Fraser, F-R-A-S-E.
Guest:Alice Fraser?
Guest:What's on your mind?
Guest:I'm just over-excited.
Guest:Like, I've got...
Guest:not in a sex way like a fight or flight I didn't take that as you were hitting on me the panic on your face was not reading that that's how I do it that's my move just frightened please don't oh great that's hot no it's just you know I go for a walk in the morning and then you're in my head and now you're here and I feel like in a way that you're kind of a projection of my head
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:So now we're like in a loop of some kind.
Marc:So there's nothing either of us can say given the relationship we have.
Guest:Yeah, it's uncomfortable for me.
Marc:I know.
Marc:Now I'm freaking out.
Guest:Hey, I didn't talk to your house.
At least.
Guest:Yet.
Guest:How long are you down for?
Guest:I'm till Sunday.
Guest:Oh, really?
Guest:And then you go back?
Guest:No, then I go to New York.
Guest:Oh, really?
Guest:You can do some comedy there?
Guest:Yes.
Guest:Really?
Guest:Wherever I can.
Guest:Wherever you can?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And how long have you been doing comedy?
Guest:Full time, about a year and a half.
Marc:Full time, what does that mean?
Guest:I was a lawyer before that.
Marc:You were a lawyer?
Marc:And now you're trying to make up for that?
Marc:No.
Guest:Yeah, you go up through school and university, people tell you, if you like words, you'll love the law, and then you do it, and it's horrible.
Marc:So you became a lawyer, and what was the day that made you go like, this is fucking horrible, that guy doesn't deserve to die?
Marc:Was it that kind of thing?
Guest:No, I was doing a lease of land.
Marc:Oh my God, I'm already falling asleep.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Guest:from like a couple, like just a family couple for a big company, and they said, hey, do you want to do the insurance clause where they're liable as individuals rather than as a company?
Guest:I'm like, but then if you sue them, they'll lose everything.
Guest:And they're like, meh.
Guest:And I was like, I can't do this anymore.
Guest:That was that.
Marc:So your heart spoke to you, and you decided to do something scary and difficult, and it's going well for you?
Guest:You know.
Marc:I do know.
Guest:Do you have a question or are we good?
Guest:We're good.
Guest:All right, thank you for talking to me.
Guest:Nice to meet you.
Guest:That went pretty well.
Marc:That was a good interview.
Marc:Maybe you'll come back and I'll ask you what your dad does.
Marc:I've got one more.
Marc:You want to do it?
Marc:All right, hat guy.
Marc:This is going to be intense.
Marc:This is going to be tricky.
Guest:I want to honestly... My wife told me to take notes.
Guest:I don't even know who you are.
Guest:I just walked in.
Marc:Okay.
Marc:What's your name?
Marc:Marc Maron.
Guest:Oh, you're Maron?
Guest:Oh, shit, right?
Guest:And you guys think I'm kidding?
Guest:I'm not even kidding.
Guest:I know.
Guest:I just bought a bunch of equipment.
Guest:I'm going to do my own podcast, I think, Tuesday.
Guest:What's your name, man?
Guest:My name's Chunky B. I'm an extremely mediocre comedian.
Guest:I'm a warm-up guy around town.
Guest:I warm up.
Guest:For who?
Guest:I just left Ferguson.
Guest:I got fired from Dr. Phil.
Guest:Why'd you get fired from Dr. Phil?
Guest:Because I drank too much beer.
Guest:So you went and did warm up shit taste?
Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest:What I'm about to tell you, Mark, first of all, total props, respect.
Guest:Thank you.
Guest:Thank you.
Guest:For doing all this.
Marc:Thank you very much.
Guest:I am not even worthy.
Guest:He's doing what he does.
Guest:You want to do a little business?
Hey.
Marc:Come on, come on.
Marc:Take the hit.
Marc:Take the hit.
Marc:Come on.
Marc:You got up here until you know who I was.
Guest:I just bought a ticket and got a free t-shirt and I walked in here.
Guest:You're going to be all right?
Guest:Yes.
Guest:I'm a little nervous.
Guest:Because I am amongst...
Guest:The man.
Guest:I am not kissing your ass.
Guest:I am licking it as hard as I can.
Marc:I wish there was some way I could help you other than what's happening right now.
Marc:This is the best I'm going to be able to do for you.
Marc:You want to tell them the name of your podcast?
Marc:What's it going to be called?
Guest:Chunky B. That's my name.
Marc:That's it?
Marc:Chunky B. Chunky B. And what's the plan for the show?
Guest:I am... Oh, can I... Whatever.
Guest:I'll pitch right now.
Guest:Do whatever you got to do.
Guest:Here's my thing.
Guest:I am... See, it's going to be exciting.
Guest:Go ahead.
Guest:Go ahead.
Guest:Seriously.
Guest:Here's my thing.
Guest:My name is Chunky B. If you go to chunkybee.tv, look at me.
Guest:Pitch...
Guest:I'm pitching myself.
Guest:I just opened up this website like a week ago.
Guest:I have no fucking clue what I'm doing.
Marc:Sounds like you're going to get a lot of people going to it.
Marc:You're on TV right now, too.
Marc:So go to his website.
Marc:He has no idea what he's doing.
Marc:It's a week old, and he might do a podcast next week.
Guest:Right?
Guest:Everybody talks about you.
Guest:Everybody talks about you.
Guest:I went online and my wife was like, you make sure you see his podcast.
Guest:Now I'm on it.
Guest:I am, I bet there's movement in the croctoral area.
Guest:I swear to God, I'm 100% heterosexual.
Guest:You're turning me on right now.
Marc:Maybe that was your wife's intention.
Marc:Please go see Maren.
Marc:I'm tired of these latent tendencies.
Guest:Good luck with it.
Marc:I will.
Guest:I will.
Guest:Good luck with everything.
Marc:That was good.
Marc:That was good.
Marc:Completely unplanned.
Marc:I wonder what you would have thought of... Yeah, I see you.
Marc:I see you.
Marc:Enjoy the show.
Marc:The best part of that was like, who are you?
Marc:Then I told him, and he still hadn't listened to me.
Marc:Maren.
Marc:Oh, you're him!
Marc:Not that I'm not a grandiose guy, and I appreciate your honesty.
Marc:And I think your podcast is going to be something.
Marc:I would have liked to have heard the Dr. Phil story.
Marc:Did you throw up or anything or did you just get out there and like, it's worse than that.
Marc:Get up here.
Guest:I'm gonna tell you this story and it's in 30 seconds.
Guest:I was warming up for Dr. Phil and he would change the opening of the show every single day and then he went to the stage manager and he's like, what's wrong with Chunky?
Guest:Is he retarded?
Guest:Dr. Phil called me a retard.
Guest:He used that word?
Guest:He used the word, and he didn't know my best friend was the stage manager.
Guest:And I bathe in the glory that Dr. Phil called me a retard.
Guest:And guys, I am not worthy of this.
Guest:Back to you.
Marc:All right.
Marc:I like that he thought the problem with Dr. Phil calling him a retard was that his buddy was there, not that Dr. Phil used the word retard.
Marc:Let's get going with the show proper.
Marc:This first guest is one of the podcasting godfathers of podcasting, one of the originals.
Marc:Please welcome Jimmy Pardo to the show from Never Not Funny.
Guest:You want to use that?
Guest:I use this one.
Guest:Do I hand off?
Marc:Yeah, I'm good.
Marc:I'm good.
Marc:Yeah, and you can sit in that chair.
Guest:What if you stayed over there and did it from that chair?
Marc:That's not a problem.
Marc:You want me to pace around like you're a guy who has problems?
Marc:So... Uh-huh.
Marc:Yeah, go Donahue on.
Guest:So...
Marc:How do you remember that?
Marc:Sure, I remember him out there, but I wouldn't be able to do an impression of him.
Marc:Could you do an impression of him?
Guest:No, I don't do impressions.
Guest:I'm not known for my voice work.
Marc:No, but you brought up Donnie here.
Guest:Didn't he have emotions?
Guest:I brought him up, but doesn't mean I'm going to do a fucking impression of him.
Guest:Am I able to do an impression of everybody I bring up?
Guest:No.
Guest:Jimmy Carter.
Guest:Do an impression of Carter.
Guest:I do a great Jimmy Carter, but not tonight.
Guest:I shouldn't have brought it up.
Guest:I set some expectations.
Guest:So, Jimmy...
Guest:I'm going to call Ernie for you.
Guest:Yeah, call Ernie.
Guest:I'm having a situation with my handyman.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:This guy's in the wind.
Guest:I don't know what this guy did.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:But I need a closet-rate Donald drywall, and I need some shelving built in.
Guest:We took a furnace out, Mark.
Guest:We took a furnace out.
Guest:Really?
Guest:Put it up in the attic.
Guest:No kidding.
Guest:So is it working up in the attic or just storage?
Guest:Real nice.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:Real nice.
Guest:Where do you live so cold that you need a furnace?
Guest:I live in Alaska, and I commute.
Yeah.
Guest:I live in Baldwin Hills.
Guest:I live right over there.
Guest:What does that mean?
Guest:I don't know what that means.
Guest:It's the Black Beverly Hills.
Guest:That's where I live.
Marc:You live in the Black Beverly Hills?
Guest:I'm one of seven white people.
Guest:Yes.
Marc:Do they look at you?
Marc:Do they give you stink eye?
Marc:They love it.
Marc:It's gentrifying.
Guest:They're excited.
Guest:You kidding me?
Marc:Reverse gentrification.
Guest:Houses just went up, baby.
Guest:Oh, they're here!
Guest:Is that by on the way to the airport?
Guest:Yeah, Rodeo in La Cienega.
Guest:I walked to that Target.
Guest:By where NPR is?
Marc:Yeah, right near NPR.
Marc:Okay, I got it, I got it.
Marc:So, fuck it, man.
Marc:So you need a closet?
Marc:What's going on?
Marc:Is this a new house?
Guest:No, we've been there four years, but we just put an AC.
Guest:We finally committed to that so that we could use that two days a year.
Guest:And then so that either wasn't enough.
Marc:That was the best fucking thing I ever did.
Marc:What?
Marc:Can I talk to them for a second?
Marc:I don't know.
Guest:Chucky, be back up here for a couple minutes.
Marc:oh he'll be back let's watch that guy watch that guy melt down in public he's just re-grooving so no like I like I I fought air conditioner for a decade I think that if I would have put air conditioner in my house I might still be married to my second wife
Marc:All right.
Marc:I would literally, it was horrible where I live because I live out east and it's hot as fuck.
Marc:And for like three or four months a year, at the beginning of the summer, I would just say like, we'll get through it.
Marc:How bad could it be?
Marc:Couldn't even stay in the house.
Marc:Had to go to the movies every day.
Marc:Not horrible, but you know, you know what I mean?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:So she kept saying, why don't we just put a thing?
Marc:I'm like, ah, what fucking difference does it make?
Marc:Just use to put the fan in the window.
Marc:We'll get through this.
Marc:She got through it.
Marc:She left you.
Marc:She left me.
Guest:For a guy with air conditioning and a lot of money.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:But then he's got AC.
Guest:Yeah, we finally got it.
Guest:I got a couple of bucks in television that I bought in AC.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:So you do warm-up.
Guest:Did you?
Guest:I opened the show.
Guest:Oh, Christ.
Marc:Okay, you open the show for Conan before he goes on.
Guest:Yeah, I go out there opening act concert style.
Guest:I call it concert style.
Marc:You're very good at it.
Guest:Because I don't do commercials.
Guest:I don't do any of the bullshit.
Guest:I don't do sing-alongs.
Guest:I don't throw out t-shirts.
Guest:Nobody gets a candy bar.
Guest:Do you fight that?
Guest:Do I fight what?
Marc:Do they say to you, hey, Jimmy, could you throw out a t-shirt?
Marc:You're like, fuck you.
Marc:Not in my contract.
Guest:It's never come up.
Guest:I told somebody today, the only note I ever got was, and this is true, we did seven months at Tonight Show.
Guest:We've been on TBS for three years.
Guest:The only note I've gotten in that entire time was, and it just happened this week, Jimmy, you're going a little long.
Guest:We're going to send you out sooner.
Guest:That was the note I got.
Guest:That's the only note.
Guest:I tell people, I go, shut up.
Marc:But you're consistent.
Marc:That's why, you know, they don't know what guest is going to shit the bed out there.
Marc:And you come out there, they're like, this guy's going to give him a show.
Marc:If they leave and the rest of the show is okay, they're like, that opening guy, that was tremendous.
Marc:He should have a show of his own, that guy.
Guest:They all say it as they walk out.
Marc:Yeah, yeah.
Marc:And do you stand there as they're walking out going, I know I should, right?
Guest:Tell the guy.
Guest:I don't get it either.
Guest:I'm with you people.
Guest:I'm as confused as you.
Guest:I don't understand it for 25 fucking years.
Marc:Did they give you an office or you're still sort of tucked away by the wall?
Marc:Listen.
Guest:I have a, you know what?
Guest:I have a locker now.
Guest:I bumped up the locker.
Marc:That was the greatest moment when I first did that show.
Marc:I'm like, you're standing by the stage, and you get like a poster yourself up there, and it's eight-by-tons, and I'm like, is this where you're, this is my office, right here.
Marc:This is my office, right.
Guest:At the time, I had a hook.
Guest:When I first, when we moved over to TBS, because some writers, they share a room, they share offices, there's not a lot of space over there, and so when I negotiated, I said, here's the thing, if I come and work for you at TBS, and by the way, I was working no matter what.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I said, if I come over there, here's two things.
Guest:I want a dressing room and I want to drive on.
Guest:I don't want to park with the riffraff over with the Ellen audience.
Guest:And they came back and they went, we can't give you any of that.
Guest:I said, see you Monday.
Guest:That sounds like a tough negotiation.
Guest:I thought it was like, I want a dressing room because I'm changing my fucking pants out in my car for the first six months.
Guest:As these women that are going to see Ellen who are way too excited about going to a TV program.
Guest:They said, we'll give you a hook.
Guest:I'm in.
Guest:I'm in.
Guest:Hook is good.
Guest:And then eventually, luckily Steve Hollander, who's the stage manager, is a great guy.
Guest:He built you something else?
Guest:Enough's enough.
Guest:Let's get you your own dressing room.
Guest:So they gave me an option.
Guest:They were going to build me a dressing room, which was maybe the size of this chair.
Guest:I would have literally been like Clark Kent in a little booth, changing my outfit, bashing my knees into a two-by-four.
Guest:And they said, or we could put you with the crew and give you a locker.
Guest:I said, you know what?
Guest:Let me talk to those guys.
Guest:I'll go back there with those guys.
Guest:So you really do have a locker.
Guest:I come in.
Guest:My combo is M-E-H.
Guest:I got one of those lock where you put a word in there.
Guest:Meh.
Guest:Meh.
Guest:That's true.
Guest:That's my combo.
Marc:You guys, you hang out with the crew while you're dressing?
Marc:I hang out with them.
Marc:I nod and pretend I'm interested.
Guest:You're standing around in like tank top t-shirts going, eh, it's a pretty good day today, right?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:That kind of stuff?
Guest:These guys are the camera guys.
Guest:They're talking focus.
Guest:They're talking lens.
Guest:Yeah, and you're like, sounds good.
Guest:Sounds good.
Guest:I'm going to go make a lot more money than you do.
Guest:Did he say that to you?
Guest:No, I say that.
Guest:I'm going to go do that in eight minutes.
Marc:That's what's great about you is your big heart and your compassion for the working man.
Guest:They're good people back there.
Guest:Sure they are, those little people.
Guest:They're fine folks.
Guest:Actually, the true story, when I did a pilot for Comedy Central last year, it didn't get picked up.
Marc:was it one of those things here's some money make a thing and we'll see what happens and then you make the thing and then they don't call you and someone that you know goes I heard your thing didn't get picked up did you ever have that happen where they don't call you and tell you they're not making it oh no they called me immediately they couldn't wait to tell me laughter
Guest:I got the reverse poke.
Guest:Just in case you're on the fence of what's happening.
Guest:It's not.
Guest:Go about your life.
Marc:The worst.
Guest:They all worked.
Guest:This whole crew all worked over at the pilot because they wanted to work with me.
Guest:That's how much they enjoy my company.
Marc:What was the pilot that they didn't do?
Guest:At the time, it was called Jimmy Pardo Needs Jokes.
Guest:It's been called 900 different things.
Guest:And it's basically just you?
Guest:Well, now it's on Nerdist called Right Now with Jimmy Pardo.
Uh-huh.
Guest:That applause may be for Chris Hardwick.
Guest:I'm not even sure.
Guest:Oh, is he here?
Marc:Is Chris Hardwick here?
Marc:No, he's doing one of 900 things.
Guest:Where he has to host something.
Guest:He's dressing wonderfully and driving a nice car.
Guest:What's that?
Guest:Nothing.
Guest:I could have just said bitter, bitter, bitter, and that would have been the same sentence that came out of my mouth.
Marc:look Jimmy you if you want to be the key to success you just have to turn something off in yourself that cares anymore
Marc:I'm not willing.
Marc:I'm not willing.
Marc:I wasn't defying you to do it.
Marc:That thing's been offing me for 15 years, brother.
Marc:No, it has not.
Marc:You desperately need laughter, and you need to connect.
Marc:I don't know if I need that, but... Oh, stop it.
Marc:Let's see how long you can go.
Marc:Oh, I can't.
Marc:I can't wait for you to stop talking so I can say something.
Marc:I'm going to do something right now.
Marc:What's up?
Marc:Jake Johansson.
Marc:Jake Johansson.
Guest:Could you come up here right now?
Guest:No, I don't want to meet him.
Guest:I don't.
Guest:I don't.
Marc:Stay back there.
Marc:You get back there.
Marc:Go.
Guest:I want you to meet Justin Cardo.
Guest:This is really exciting.
Guest:We've never met.
Guest:No, I know.
Guest:I was telling somebody the other day.
Guest:I said, you know who I've never met?
Guest:And it's insane that we've never met.
Guest:I know that we've never met because I'm the other guy in that story.
Guest:But you know what?
Guest:I run the risk.
Guest:Jason Sudeikis, this is a true story.
Guest:For years I would say, I've never met Jason Sudeikis.
Guest:I have a photograph at my house of he and I in the picture together.
Guest:And it's just us going, hey!
Guest:And I would go, never met him!
Guest:So we may have met.
Guest:I was just going to say I met Jason Sudeikis last year, but we didn't get a picture.
Guest:So if you could ask him to get in touch with me, that would be great.
Guest:I'll even throw this into the mix.
Guest:Take my picture, Photoshop yourself into it.
Guest:That's a deal.
Guest:All three of us, I have to keep you in?
Guest:I thought I was just going to put my head on you.
Guest:Did I replace it?
Guest:Yeah, that's what I thought.
Guest:I'm shorter.
Guest:I think it's a bad call.
Guest:Okay, I could just put the whole meat over the top of you then.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Okay, but then the eye line's going to be wrong.
Guest:Are you guys doing a romantic, endless love, sort of a stare into each other?
Guest:You've met Jason, of course we are.
Guest:Yes.
Guest:This is exciting.
Guest:I think this went beautifully.
Guest:I think it went very well.
Guest:I feel...
Guest:It's just great to be here amongst the man.
Guest:Thank you.
Guest:Thanks, Joe.
Guest:Take your hands, everybody.
Guest:You saw history.
Marc:You just saw history.
Guest:You made that happen.
Marc:I did.
Marc:You guys have both been doing comedy for, what, 30 years?
Marc:Probably 35 years.
Guest:Literally, because Jake and I, he's done Letterman 7,000 times.
Marc:7,000 is right.
Marc:You remember when he used to have glasses and the funny haircut?
Guest:I didn't like that era.
Yeah.
Guest:We all make adjustments and we find our voice.
Guest:But it would always be like the week before I go to a club, Jake was there.
Guest:The week after Jake was there.
Guest:So I never met him until this very moment.
Guest:It was exciting.
Marc:That's because he was at clubs like four weeks in a row back then.
Marc:Like he would just always be there and they'd take a week off and you'd get there and be like, well, Jake was just here for a month.
Marc:I didn't know he would do it with like an internship.
Marc:Not an internship.
Marc:Residency.
Marc:Be a residency.
Marc:You remember those clubs too?
Marc:You go to the club and they'd say like, I don't get it, man.
Marc:Last week was packed.
Marc:And then you're like, what week are you talking about?
Marc:It happened in 1984, whatever week that was.
Guest:They would pop up with any excuse.
Guest:Well, you know what's happening?
Guest:There's a parade seven towns away tonight, and that's what's happening.
Guest:There's a game in Ohio.
Guest:Yeah, you know what?
Guest:Everybody's into that one.
Guest:It's a little darker tonight than it usually is on nights.
Marc:If I'm not mistaken, Jake was one of the first guys to do a mailing list.
Marc:Were you not?
Marc:Oh.
Marc:So they remember before there was an internet and they would put little things on the table and say, we'll mail you a newsletter.
Marc:Imagine those days.
Marc:Wow.
Marc:I killed the room.
Marc:I killed it.
Guest:I'm not going to put it on you.
Guest:I might blame Jake.
Guest:Why not?
Guest:Let's throw Jake under the bus.
Guest:He threw Shoemaker into the mix.
Guest:The whole place shut down.
Guest:They thought the Love Master was going to come out for a couple of minutes.
Guest:We already had Chuck E.
Guest:B.
Guest:'s meltdown.
Guest:You want to do some Love Master jokes?
Guest:I'm the Love Master, baby.
Marc:He's a nice man.
Marc:I got no problem with him.
Marc:You're a very nice man.
Marc:He's a good guy.
Marc:Good guy.
Marc:Are we still streaming?
Marc:The streaming shut off, right?
Marc:And I guarantee you Craig's watching.
Marc:I'm going to get an email tomorrow.
Marc:Hey, I don't know what problem you guys have with me.
Marc:Hey, let's be very clear.
Guest:I was yes-anding.
Guest:I was just helping out.
Guest:Those were not my opinions.
Guest:I saw you flailing.
Guest:I'm going to help out.
Guest:The way you took Shoemaker down, I was just yes-anding.
Guest:I was not, those were not my opinions.
Guest:I saw what was happening.
Guest:Look, let him have a problem with me.
Guest:I'll have him on the show.
Marc:Jake, what's your podcast called?
Marc:Jake, this is Jake's podcast.
Marc:Jake Johansson.
Marc:Jimmy Pardo is never not funny.
Guest:You got to go, right?
Guest:I do have to go.
Guest:I've got to go.
Guest:Jimmy Pardo, ladies and gentlemen.
Guest:Hey, everybody.
Guest:Thank you so much.
Guest:You good?
Guest:All right.
Guest:Good.
Guest:That was great.
Guest:That was great.
Guest:Wasn't it?
Guest:This is going very well.
Marc:Had a special guest star.
Marc:Shit, man.
Marc:Anything can happen.
Marc:How are you, ma'am?
Marc:Come on.
Marc:We're on television.
Marc:Sit it down.
Marc:We're on the internet?
Marc:All right, lady.
Marc:What, are you here speaking for the internet?
Marc:Don't call it television.
Marc:That's over.
Marc:Old man.
Marc:I know, I'm saying it.
Marc:I have a little man that says that in my head a lot.
Marc:He's sitting right next to the blogger going, Maren did a real good job with Pardo.
Guest:There was some dead air during the shoemaker thing that happened afterwards because Pardo called Maren out on his shit, and it was interesting.
Guest:Not unusual for Maren to be uncomfortable on stage.
Guest:More later.
Guest:Um...
Marc:My next guest is the host of everything.
Marc:I want to be honest.
Marc:She's the host of her own podcast, Girl on Guy podcast.
Marc:She's featured on the show Archer.
Marc:She's now on the talk.
Marc:She's going to be hosting Whose Line Is It Anyways?
Marc:She has a book called Self-Inflicted Wounds.
Marc:Aisha Tyler, ladies and gentlemen.
Guest:Right?
Hi.
Guest:Nice.
Guest:Look at you.
Guest:Look at me.
Guest:It's nice to see you.
Guest:It's good to see you.
Marc:We've never done each other's podcasts.
Guest:We never have.
Marc:We tried to work it out, but it didn't happen.
Guest:It didn't happen.
Guest:You, you're famous.
Guest:You had like a TV show.
Guest:You're doing nine things.
Guest:Yes.
Guest:You probably have a double somewhere hosting something now.
Guest:I make time for the people that matter, Mark.
Guest:That's why I'm here in Santa Monica presiding over this pile of fucking granola bar crumbs that you created right here.
Guest:I'm a little blood sugar guy.
Guest:I wanted to talk to you.
Guest:I'm not going to make it happen.
Guest:You're very busy.
Guest:We flew on a plane.
Guest:It was great.
Guest:We did.
Marc:I watched you sleep a little bit.
Guest:I've seen that.
Guest:It's not a good look though.
Guest:It isn't.
Marc:It wasn't a bad look.
Marc:It's just sometimes when you're flying a plane with somebody.
Marc:Go out of your way just to watch them sleep so you can say that.
Guest:It's very intimate.
Guest:I kind of slept with you a little bit.
Guest:A little bit, right?
Guest:Yeah, right next to you.
Guest:Across the aisle.
Guest:Disappointing, wasn't it?
Guest:No, I found it very cozy.
Guest:Oh, good.
Guest:It wasn't.
Marc:Can I ask you a question, though?
Guest:I'm listening.
Marc:Where do you come from?
Marc:Were you built somewhere?
Guest:Well, I was born a poor black child, legitimately.
Guest:Really?
Guest:Yes, yes.
Guest:My dad is a guy from Pittsburgh, 8th grade education.
Guest:Pittsburgh guy.
Guest:Yes, Pittsburgh guy, 8th grade education.
Marc:Pittsburgh black guy.
Guest:Pittsburgh black guy.
Guest:They're a very special black guy.
Guest:Imagine Action Jackson.
Marc:Yeah.
Yeah.
Guest:In all leather on a motorcycle.
Marc:That's your dad?
Guest:Yes.
Guest:He's a motorcycle guy?
Guest:He's got a really insane, intimidating mustache.
Guest:Wow.
Guest:And he would say things to me before school like, get out then, grab my body balls and twist.
Guest:That would be like his...
Guest:Grab like by the balls and twist.
Guest:Good for him.
Guest:He was unorthodox.
Guest:I was like six.
Guest:That's always good.
Guest:I'm like, I don't know what that means.
Guest:And yeah, so I have that kind of abject panic.
Guest:You know what I mean?
Guest:That fear of shit going away, right?
Guest:Doesn't everybody have that fear?
Guest:Like shit is about to fucking go away.
Marc:Every day I wake up with that.
Guest:Look at you.
Guest:You're hoarding beverages and food here.
Guest:This is clearly a fear that you... I don't even know what this is.
Guest:Oh, nicotine lozenges.
Marc:These are my parents.
Marc:Coffee, mommy, and nicotine daddy.
Guest:Please love me, Cliff Bar.
Guest:Please be my friend, Cliff Bar.
Marc:This is just in desperation.
Marc:I would never really do a Cliff Bar as a parental replacement.
Marc:Diet Coke and the nicotine.
Marc:I understand.
Marc:So you have panic in your life?
Marc:You panic in him?
Guest:Yeah, I think I'm definitely... I mean, I'm realizing that now.
Marc:You seem to have your shit together, Tyler.
Guest:Oh, you're so kind.
Guest:I find that anybody who has their shit together is running around thinking, I don't have my shit together and everyone's about to figure that out right now.
Guest:That's how I feel.
Guest:Oh, really?
Marc:What do you think they're going to figure out?
Guest:Oh, you know, just I wake up every day.
Guest:I mean, I didn't get up early enough.
Guest:I didn't work hard enough.
Marc:Oh, so you beat the shit out of yourself.
Guest:Why did I eat that?
Guest:Oh, why did I eat that?
Guest:All of that.
Guest:Why don't I know five languages?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:All of that, right?
Guest:Yeah, every morning.
Guest:Every morning you do that?
Guest:Every day.
Guest:Why am I not better?
Marc:Oh, your husband must be thrilled.
Guest:You just wake up and like, why don't I speak Spanish?
Guest:He gets fucked and then he shuts up like any husband should.
Marc:He just takes it?
Guest:He just, he gets fucked and then he's quiet.
Guest:Really?
Guest:Yes.
Guest:I mean, look at me.
Marc:Come on.
Guest:I'm not fantastic in bed, but I'm large and serviceable, and that's all that matters.
Guest:It's just a lot of me, really.
Guest:So he's exhausted, which is why I'm so quiet.
Guest:Did I touch it all?
Guest:I don't even know.
Guest:I feel like I covered about 30% of the terrain, and now it's time for bed.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:I was married once to a very beautiful woman, and really, you just have to show up.
Guest:Yes.
Guest:Go ahead.
Marc:And they're like, oh, really?
Marc:I can?
Guest:I can.
Guest:You can.
Guest:Go bananas, buddy.
Guest:You've got 20 minutes.
Guest:Yes.
Marc:20 on a good night?
Guest:I have one pair of lingerie and I just put it on for 60 seconds and throw it back in the drawer.
Guest:It never gets washed.
Guest:I don't wear it around.
Guest:It's still clean.
Guest:It stays clean for months.
Marc:Sounds like a lovely marriage.
Guest:Oh, yes.
Marc:Do you know what your husband does or his name?
Guest:I don't know anything about him.
Guest:Last I looked, he was a giant Caucasian man.
Guest:That's all I know.
Guest:I think he was Catholic at one point.
Guest:I broke that out of him.
Marc:No, he's a nice guy.
Marc:So, let's talk about this book.
Marc:I mean, the other stuff, you know, the podcast is good.
Marc:Archer, people like Archer.
Guest:People seem to like that stuff.
Guest:The talk, you go on and you do a thing.
Guest:We talk a thing, yeah.
Guest:Who's lying?
Marc:You're going to be like, okay, do a funny... Yeah, who's lying?
Who's lying?
Yes.
Guest:Season one's already over.
Guest:We're about to start season two.
Guest:We're working on season two.
Guest:It's fun, right?
Guest:I'm super happy to have jobs.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And again, haven't been fired, which is great.
Guest:Chuckie B., if you have any advice.
Marc:He's looking for a warm-up job.
Marc:God bless you.
Guest:What the hell?
Marc:All right, like before we get to the book though, what do you like you seem really busy and I'm pretty busy Yeah, you're busy making shows and doing shit, Mark Right, but I'm not as busy as you so is there any time where you're not just beating the shit out of yourself?
Marc:Do you do anything for fun?
Marc:Is there something that you're like I'm just gonna do this now because I don't have any of that I play guitar listen to a record.
Guest:Yeah, that's good.
Guest:Those are good things.
Guest:Well, I appreciate it.
Guest:Do you listen to vinyl?
Marc:I'm back into vinyl.
Guest:Adorable.
Marc:Thank you.
Guest:It's adorable.
Guest:I'd like to be an enthusiast.
Guest:That's what you are.
Guest:You're an enthusiast.
Marc:Well, I'm not a nerd.
Marc:I'm not a collector.
Marc:I buy things I want to listen to.
Guest:Yeah, but you make the effort to get a thing that spins around.
Guest:It sounds great.
Guest:It's fun.
Marc:It's like a ritual.
Marc:What did I listen to today?
Marc:Let's go over it.
Marc:Creighton's Clearwater Revival.
Marc:No, I started with... I listened to ZZ Top's Tejas.
Guest:Yes, you did.
Marc:Of course you did.
Guest:Fucking facial hair, rock roll.
Marc:Dude, I grew up with that shit.
Marc:And then I listened to... Who came over?
Marc:Jim Brewer came to my house.
Marc:And he's a metal guy.
Marc:So I'm like, dude, you ever heard Powerage by ACDC through these kind of speakers?
Marc:So that was sort of breakfast.
Marc:It was so super... It was so funny because me and Brewer were literally standing in my living room listening to Powerage.
Marc:And I looked over at him and he looked over at me and we were just like...
Guest:Right?
Guest:Right?
Guest:I want you to know, Mark, that you are a virile, young, and sexy man, but that is an old dude conversation that you had with Jim Bird.
Guest:That was old guy shit.
Marc:Look, I just turned 50, baby.
Guest:You're young and foxy.
Guest:You're a young, foxy guy.
Guest:Never let anybody tell you different.
Guest:Dude, what are you talking about?
Guest:Fucking ACDC is fucking great.
Guest:Fucking ACDC.
Guest:I fucking love heavy metal.
Guest:My first album was Metallica's Kill'em All.
Guest:Don't fuck with me.
Guest:I'll bring it.
Guest:All right.
Guest:My first live concert was Black Flag at the Farm in San Francisco.
Guest:Really?
Really?
Guest:Wow.
Guest:You know why?
Guest:Because I like to scare the shit out of white people.
Marc:I think my first live concert was Peter Frampton with my parents.
Guest:Oh, yes.
Guest:There's just one more thing you have to blame them for now.
Guest:Just one more psychic scar.
Marc:Ooh, baby, I love you way.
Marc:Wow.
Guest:I think he ruined his vocal cords doing that shit.
Marc:No, that was a thing.
Marc:The thing he put in his mouth.
Marc:It was called the voice box.
Guest:Yes.
Guest:What did we learn, kids?
Guest:Don't put strange shit in your mouth.
Guest:Or do.
Marc:Or do.
Marc:So you don't have any hobbies or nothing?
Guest:I play a lot.
Guest:Well, I used to.
Guest:I love video games.
Guest:I play video games with my husband.
Guest:I'm serious.
Guest:I love video games.
Guest:I was raised by a single dad.
Guest:So my activities were like, go to the arcade with my dad.
Guest:Well, my dad, I love my father.
Marc:He was.
Guest:This was like his version of daycare.
Guest:Here's a roll of quarters.
Guest:Don't talk to strangers.
Guest:Dad has got a date.
Guest:That was pretty much...
Guest:I'm going to get broken off.
Guest:I'll be back in 45.
Guest:Line up the quotas on Ms.
Guest:Pac-Man.
Guest:That was his game.
Guest:That's his game as Ms.
Guest:Pac-Man.
Guest:Ms.
Guest:Pac-Man?
Guest:Yeah, but I like shooters.
Guest:I loved Defender and shit like that.
Guest:Oh, Defender was good.
Guest:Fucking great.
Guest:Just literally all buttons all the time.
Guest:And just sweating bullets.
Guest:I was the smelliest eighth grader.
Guest:Just sweating all over the Defender.
Marc:I remember when Defender came out.
Marc:That was fucking excellent.
Guest:Fucking great game.
Guest:The greatest game ever.
Guest:Excellent.
Guest:Tempest.
Guest:Yes, Tempest.
Guest:A fine, fine game, yes.
Marc:Asteroids, I didn't like.
Guest:No, because it sucked.
Marc:That's why I didn't like it.
Marc:There's no way to figure it out.
Guest:Yeah, why not just throw a tennis ball against a wall?
Marc:That was what that was, yeah.
Marc:Joe Mattaris had a great joke years ago, and he gets so mad at me because I always bring it up.
Marc:It's like a joke he was doing when he first started, and he was talking about old video games, and he was talking about playing Pong, and he says, there was that one level where it was just you and the wall.
Yeah.
Marc:I thought they were so funny.
Guest:It was like a quiet childhood.
Marc:And I tell him that.
Marc:He's like, come on.
Marc:That was like my first joke.
Guest:Great.
Marc:It was a great joke.
Marc:Space Invaders, I think I figured out.
Marc:What was the other one?
Marc:Galaga?
Marc:Galaga?
Guest:Galaga.
Guest:Galaga was a fun game.
Guest:I liked that one.
Guest:That was good.
Guest:Centipede was a good one.
Guest:Centipede was one where, again, it was just all buttons.
Guest:There was no strategy.
Guest:Just push everything.
Guest:Touch your penis.
Guest:Whatever to push.
Guest:Just push all of the things.
Marc:No, do it instead of something.
Marc:Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest:I don't know.
Guest:I didn't have a penis.
Guest:I wasn't very good at it.
Marc:Did you ever turn any games over?
Marc:Could you run it all the way through?
Marc:I never was that disciplined or committed to it.
Guest:I was hardcore with Pac-Man.
Guest:I felt like that was a big game.
Marc:It was that game where you'd play and your leg would go... You'd just be like... Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Marc:Everything's falling apart.
Marc:It was worth it.
Marc:It was worth it.
woman.
Guest:You just break things and things fall.
Guest:I hope no one has a tiny dog.
Guest:I might crush it later.
Guest:How's it going?
Guest:I'm good.
Guest:I could have helped you there.
Guest:I'm sober.
Guest:No, you could have.
Marc:I sat there thinking, she's got this.
Marc:Does she have it?
Guest:Okay, we're back in.
Guest:I'm not going to say anything about it.
Guest:I'm just going to leave it where it's sitting.
Guest:I don't want to do any extrapolation to the rest of the female relationships in your life.
Guest:You just watch me try to pick up a chair.
Guest:Totally just disinterested and ambivalent.
Guest:How's it going to go for her?
Guest:I don't know.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:Well, no, what you would say now is you would say like, I can't believe you just sat there and watched me pick up this chair and didn't help me at all.
Guest:I want you to know something.
Guest:I wanted you to grow.
Guest:That's sweet.
Guest:That's thoughtful.
Guest:That's nice.
Guest:I want you to know something.
Guest:I've never been that wife and I will never fucking be that wife.
Guest:I just, you know, I was lifting shit up before I met him and I'll be lifting shit up when I put him in the ground probably in a week or two.
Guest:That's a fucking... Say it, sister.
Guest:Who wants to live with that person, right?
Guest:If I want some shit, I'll get it myself, motherfucker.
Marc:Do you slap him around?
Guest:No, no.
Guest:We're super... Not even one, sister.
Guest:We're like, take it.
Guest:We're like on the ass a little bit.
Marc:Oh!
Marc:You smack his ass?
Guest:Beautiful.
Guest:Wait a minute.
Marc:How's that work?
Guest:Are you fucking... We're like an equal family, right?
Guest:I mean, everybody gets a little tap.
Marc:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Marc:I was just thinking of the positioning, then I had you in a strap on.
Guest:Good, and now it's a picture.
Guest:Now it's a picture for everybody, Mark.
Guest:Thank you for that.
Guest:That's great.
Guest:And now people are leaving this show to go over to Fleshbott.
Guest:Bye!
Guest:I want to tell you something, Mark.
Guest:What?
Guest:You won't like it, but I need you to know.
Guest:That sounds great to me.
Guest:It's going to be great.
Guest:You know, I started doing Santa with San Francisco.
Guest:I'm from San Francisco.
Guest:And you're not from San Francisco.
Guest:I lived there for a couple years.
Guest:But you were there.
Guest:Yeah, I was.
Guest:And I was a baby comic, and I used to come see you at the punchline, and I used to be like, someday I may be just like Mark Barrett.
Guest:I did.
Guest:I really did.
Guest:I just loved your style.
Guest:You were so conversational.
Guest:You used to sit up there like you did what the fuck you were doing.
Guest:Maybe you didn't, but it seemed like from the outside you had a master plan up there where you were going and you'd just chat with people.
Guest:Yeah, no plan.
Guest:No, none, right?
Guest:I didn't know you were crazy high on blow.
Guest:I just thought you were really motivated.
Guest:You know what I mean?
Guest:It was...
Guest:I really did.
Guest:I was like, I'm going to be like that guy when I grow up.
Marc:There was a couple nights in San Francisco that were pretty crazy high on blow.
Marc:Like one time, oh no, I don't need to go and do it.
Guest:Yeah, you do.
Guest:You really do.
Guest:You absolutely do.
Marc:Well, no, it was like, this was a, like I did a show at the Improv.
Marc:Remember the Improv?
Marc:It was downtown.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:And I had done some crank.
Guest:Yes.
Guest:Because you're a man of the people.
Marc:I don't know why I did it.
Guest:It's just like it's a working men's.
Marc:Sure, some guys are like, you want to do a line of crank?
Marc:I'm like, sure, I've got nothing to do for three days.
Guest:And I've got to organize my seven albums 30 times.
Marc:So I do two lines of crank, and as people know who have done Crystal Meth, the first hour is great.
Marc:It's what you do with the other 90 that, you know,
Guest:And can I interject with a footnote, which is, when did it become fucking Crystal Meth?
Guest:That's a fancy-ass name.
Guest:That's like, you know... No, Crank was better, because then you felt like a guy made this.
Guest:And you knew what you were getting into.
Guest:You know what I mean?
Guest:Like, Crank tells you exactly what's about to go down, right?
Marc:Dirty shit.
Guest:Crystal Meth feels like I'm going to swim in a pool and listen to some Bach.
Guest:No, no, no, no, no.
Marc:Crank is strictly for hearing voices in your head.
Guest:Crank is like, I'm going to punch some shit.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:So I just remember being on stage at the improv and not really sure whether or not my personality was going to shred apart.
Yeah.
Marc:I don't know if you've ever had that where you can't close your eyes and you're like, I'm going really fast.
Marc:I don't know if it was a good set or what, but I thought I was going to come apart.
Marc:Wow.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:That's an exciting feeling.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:I mean, maybe not good exciting, but exciting.
Guest:No, it's a horrible feeling.
Guest:It's a horrible feeling to be nervous and sort of like... For the audience, it seemed awesome.
Marc:Oh, sure.
Guest:But you were never a druggie.
Guest:No, I'm not a big druggie.
Guest:No, I don't like druggie.
Guest:Come on, one bump.
Marc:You never did one bump.
Guest:You did a bump.
Guest:Come on.
Guest:That was back after, before I transitioned to female.
Guest:I, um...
Guest:No, you know, look, I grew up in San Francisco.
Guest:It was a very experimental culture there.
Guest:I'm not going to admit to anything because I'm on a daytime show on a big network.
Guest:But what I will say is that what I have found is I don't like to be out of control.
Guest:I think some people who get deep into it love the feeling to be, I don't like being out of control.
Marc:You're just the kind of person that I would just argue with until you lost it.
Guest:I will also say that I'm a Buddhist, so I would just stare at you and think.
Guest:You're a control freak Buddhist?
Guest:I'm a control freak Buddhist.
Guest:How the fuck does that work?
Guest:I don't know.
Guest:I'm just meditating really fucking hard all the time.
Guest:No, I just feel like I don't like to let other people drive my state of mind, right?
Guest:So if you're trying to agitate me, then I'm not going to let you do that.
Guest:Yeah, I hear you.
Guest:Let's do a staring contest now.
Guest:No?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:You're trying to figure it out.
Marc:I know.
Marc:It doesn't make any sense.
Marc:I'm not trying to figure it out.
Marc:I'm just feeling the control freakness.
Guest:I'm taking it in.
Guest:But I did.
Guest:You hear that laugh?
Marc:There's some darkness in there.
Marc:See, like that laugh was very revealing.
Marc:She had no control over that laugh.
Marc:That one that went, ah, ha, ha, like right in there.
Marc:That's where the juicy part is.
Guest:It's in there.
Guest:I know.
Guest:It's just in my shoulder though.
Yeah.
Marc:Ayesha Tyler, ladies and gentlemen.
Marc:Whatever you want.
Guest:You want to hang out?
Guest:Yeah, swipe down.
Marc:That was great.
Marc:Thank you for doing that.
Marc:That was a good time.
Marc:My next guest is a very fragile man, and he's very sensitive, and he's warm, and he's done a lot of work on himself.
Marc:If you listen to his podcast, The Mental Illness Happy Hour, you know what I'm talking about.
Marc:Please welcome Paul Gilmartin to the stage.
Thank you.
Guest:By the way, Aisha is my guest Sunday at noon, so please come.
Guest:I'll pick up where you left off.
Guest:Get in there.
Guest:Get in there.
Guest:We'll get the name of the relative that touched her.
Guest:How are you?
Guest:Yeah, someone in a video arcade, I'm thinking.
Guest:Oh.
Guest:Berserk.
Guest:Did you ever play Berserk?
Guest:I don't, but I know, but I remember Kubert.
Guest:Remember when Kubert would die, you would feel it, like, in your soul, right?
Guest:It would hit the bottom of the box.
Guest:I don't think I ever, and we forgot Missile Command.
Guest:Missile Command, yeah.
Marc:Missile Command was pretty.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Yeah, because you'd hit things in an area.
Oh.
Guest:You know John Rigi?
Marc:Who?
Marc:John Rigi?
Guest:Sure, yeah.
Marc:Let's just talk about people they have no idea.
Guest:When he first started doing stand-up, when he would bomb, he would go put quarter after quarter in missile command and not play, just watch everything get destroyed.
LAUGHTER
Guest:A metaphor for his life.
Guest:That is the best thing I ever heard.
Marc:That's fucking beautiful.
Marc:How's he doing?
Marc:Well, yeah, yeah.
Marc:He writes a lot of stuff.
Marc:Always running shows.
Guest:He was co-exec, I think, on 30 Rock for a while.
Marc:He was very funny.
Marc:He is?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:It's interesting, these comics that have the fortitude and the intelligence to get the fuck out of stand-up.
Marc:They have real careers for themselves.
Marc:And then you ask them, like, why don't you do stand-up anymore?
Marc:They're like, why?
Marc:Ask my butler.
Marc:What's up, Paul?
Marc:How are you feeling?
Guest:I'm doing really well.
Marc:Are you helping people?
Marc:That's such a loaded question.
Marc:No, it's not.
Marc:Dude, I get a lot of nice emails, and I know that you do a thing where you are so open and grounded and doing your work on yourself that it makes me uncomfortable.
Guest:You clearly haven't talked to my wife.
Guest:Yeah?
Guest:Oh, really?
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:No.
Marc:Go ahead.
Marc:But when I get around you, I just want to start crying.
Marc:In a good way.
Guest:I don't know.
Guest:I think there is, because I've been through so much shit in my life, I think when people sit down to talk to me, they can sense that I'm not going to judge them, and that allows them to open up.
Guest:People say that I'm easy to talk to, so I guess that helps.
Marc:You're very easy to talk to, but you also have that weird sort of understanding persistence of a social worker.
Yeah.
Marc:How so?
Marc:How was your day?
Marc:You're asking me how was my day?
Guest:It was pretty good.
Guest:That annoys me.
Guest:I hate those people.
Guest:I catch myself sometimes on the podcast about to say, and how does that make you feel?
Guest:And I want to shoot myself.
Guest:Have you been to therapy a bit?
Guest:Oh, my God.
Guest:I've been to tons of therapy, support groups.
Marc:It's been a battle since about... I'm familiar with the secret societies, but I mean, how...
Guest:Let me give you my... Yes, that would be great.
Guest:Thank you.
Guest:I had a moment in my 20s when I knew things were wrong.
Guest:I was at a stoplight in downtown Chicago.
Guest:It was one of those things where it's really crowded and the light turns green, but people are still crossing in front of you, and because other people are ahead of them, they know they're not going to get hit, so they keep crossing, and I was in a hurry to go somewhere, and it was like the universe was shitting on me, and I just started laying on my horn, just outraged.
Guest:Get the
Guest:fuck out of my way.
Guest:God damn it.
Guest:And all of a sudden, like out of a time machine, this guy from like the 50s with the fedora and the briefcase and the trench coat is an inch from my face.
Guest:And he just looks at me and with a mixture of disbelief and pity says, son, get a hold of yourself.
Guest:and then he disappeared i swear to god but he just vanished vanished i swear to god it was like an angel came down and said you really need help and i went to therapy like almost immediately after that and was like i think that i think that's so funny because when you see somebody in a car doing that with no sound
Marc:You're thinking, what is he so mad about?
Marc:It happened a long time ago.
Marc:Whatever that is.
Marc:Whatever that guy's mad about is not happening right now.
Marc:It's never right then.
Marc:This is a release for a lifetime of misery and horror.
Guest:Basically, therapy is you go to a person and pay them to tell you what you're really pissed about really is not what you're pissed about.
Marc:Well, I've been to a couple in my life, and I hadn't been in years, and I'd been going, we were doing some couples counseling, and I was seeing a guy on my own as well, and it's sort of interesting to be back, because there's only one thing to do in there, really.
Marc:It's just like, well, I hope this guy can make me cry, and I hope it lasts a while.
Marc:I mean, what else are you doing there?
Marc:What, do you want to talk about shit?
Marc:You want to talk to me about shit?
Marc:Yeah, I understand what's wrong with me, but if you can't make me feel it, go fuck yourself.
You know what?
Marc:What are you paying for in therapy?
Marc:You're paying to like, oh, it's happening.
Marc:Oh God, it's happening.
Marc:Just let it happen.
Marc:And then that's how you grieve, right?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:And then I won't cry at commercials.
Guest:I love crying.
Guest:I wish I cried more.
Guest:It's awesome.
Marc:I've had a couple of therapists say things to me, but one that I never forgot.
Marc:I used to see this dude in San Francisco.
Marc:His name was Jonathan Rosenfeld.
Marc:Go see him.
Marc:He's a very smart man.
Marc:I was fucking angry and shit.
Marc:I would say things like, I'm fucking bored, man.
Marc:I'm fucking bored.
Marc:He looks at me and goes, there's no such thing as boredom, only fear.
Guest:What?
Marc:So I'm like, oh shit, I'm going to write that into my skull, behind my eyelids.
Marc:That's fucking beautiful, right?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:I agree.
Marc:I was terrified into angry paralysis.
Guest:Fear is the worst.
Guest:It is just, you know, I wake up and my first three thoughts are you slept too late, you're a lazy piece of shit, and your life is passing you by.
Guest:You live with her?
Guest:Yeah.
Yeah.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I swear to God.
Guest:Seriously, right?
Guest:That's like the first thing every day.
Guest:And then my stomach tightens into a knot and I fuck my dog.
Guest:Yes.
Guest:And then miraculously you feel better, I bet, right?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Mark cries at commercials, you fuck your dog.
Guest:I mean, everybody's got their method.
Marc:I do not wake up like that anymore.
Marc:I don't, like, I must be doing better.
Guest:You are, you're doing better.
Marc:Like, I wake up and I'm like, oh, coffee, this is the best time of the day.
Marc:Like, I wake up, like, I fucking knock out.
Marc:I just put a nicotine lozenge in my mouth.
Marc:I'm like, let's chase this shit with some coffee.
Marc:And then it's like, what are we going to do now?
Guest:I did literally say the other day to my husband, I can't wait to go to bed so I can get up in the morning and drink coffee.
Marc:Back when I smoked cigarettes, man, that was fucking glorious.
Marc:Where you just, like, would go to sleep and you're like, that fucking day sucked.
Marc:Like, tomorrow I'm going to be smoking.
Yeah.
Marc:I had that first cigarette and that cup of coffee because that was the best, man.
Marc:Just that first one or the first seven.
Marc:Oh, God.
Guest:Awesome.
Guest:I thought you were going to say, I wake up in the morning and think I can't wait to go to bed because that's what I think sometimes.
Guest:When do I get to come back here?
Marc:I get up, I'm fucking out and doing shit, making coffee, fucking checking on the yard, seeing if the crazy cats are outside.
Guest:Have you mastered your fear?
Guest:I mean, I think that's what you're talking about is fear, right?
Guest:Waking up in the morning.
Marc:I have fear at night.
Marc:I have a fear that someone's going to hit me with a stick when I'm sleeping.
Marc:That's scary.
Marc:that's scary shit like it's not a reasonable fear it's just like they can't get in I don't think you know but like I go to bed going like if I'm sleeping or what if like here's the other one I have what if something falls out of the sky onto my house so I think I'm creating metaphors for what is a more tangible fear I feel like the stick thing is much more likely though I think you're I put a stick by my bed to counter a stick yes I have a small baseball bat you can parry a counter yes exactly I think you're fucking crazy yeah
Guest:You can tell yourself that you don't have any fear, but you're fucking crazy.
Guest:I'm not saying I don't have fear.
Guest:But I want to ask you, do you guys feel like you embrace your fear?
Guest:Because the thing I'm trying to work on now is just embracing the idea that being human, like an essential aspect of being human is being terrified.
Guest:Right?
Guest:Because we think of ourselves as being strong and impervious and I'm going to live forever.
Guest:But no, you could just be crushed like an ant at any moment.
Guest:And if you keep fighting that, that's when you're terrified.
Guest:But you just have to embrace the fact that that is an essential aspect of being human is that at some point you will be crushed like a tiny ant.
Guest:So you better go do some shit, man.
Marc:Oh, so you use it as a motivator.
Marc:Yeah, I think there's terror and sadness at all times.
Marc:You know what sometimes I like to do?
Marc:If you want to, you guys knock yourself out.
Marc:If you really want to motivate yourself, really decide you have cancer for a little while.
Marc:Like, you know, like you feel that thing like, oh, what?
Marc:Oh, shit.
Marc:And then like, just let your brain go to like, what if this is?
Marc:Fuck, I have it.
Marc:And then feel the grief.
Marc:Go through chemo in your head.
Marc:You know, figure out who's going to be coming by to see you.
Marc:And then, you know, make a list of friends based on that.
Marc:Do you get resentful at the ones that aren't?
Marc:Huh?
Marc:Do you get resentful at the ones that aren't?
Guest:He cuts them out.
Marc:I stop myself from texting people like, I think I have cancer.
Marc:I don't do that.
Marc:I feel like I might.
Marc:I don't do that.
Marc:It's been a while since I did that, but there was one where somehow or another I decided that I had pancreatic cancer.
Marc:I decided it.
Marc:That's a bad one.
Marc:It's really bad.
Marc:It's quick.
Marc:If you can pick one, why not pick that one?
Guest:Pick a big one.
Marc:But it was based on nothing but gas.
Yeah.
Marc:Like, I had gas pains, and I'm like, that's it.
Marc:And so then, like, I'm searching Google for gas pancreatic cancer, and of course you're gonna find one.
Marc:You're gonna find exactly what you need to find in that moment.
Marc:And, you know, there I was, farting and crying.
Marc:You know, a dying man.
Guest:I think that's the name of a man, actually.
Marc:I got better, I got better, thank you.
Marc:I kicked it, yeah.
Guest:I think that... Paul, what have you learned?
Guest:I think the thing, for me, more difficult than the fear, because the fear is a flash in the morning, and then it subsides, and I'm able to kind of accept life as it goes and kind of roll with it.
Guest:But the biggest thing I struggle with is perfectionism.
Guest:That is the thing that eats away at me.
Marc:Well, it's hard when you suck to...
Marc:That must be a hell of a battle for you.
Marc:Colonel of truth.
Marc:Colonel of truth.
Marc:Colonel of truth.
Guest:I'm sorry, man.
Guest:Remember to smile and laugh, Paul.
Guest:Remember to smile and laugh.
Guest:This will all be over soon.
Guest:Eventually, your podcast will be bigger than his.
Guest:What is the struggle?
Guest:What is that conflict?
Guest:I had a really, really critical mom growing up, and I think there's a voice buried inside me that finds fault with every single thing.
Guest:So when I start to do something I'm excited about, like going to the wood shop and make furniture or something.
Guest:You're good at that, man.
Guest:Oh, thanks.
Guest:I appreciate it.
Guest:I like that stuff.
Guest:I've seen it.
Guest:Then all of a sudden we'll think about all the mistakes I'm going to make and I will work myself up into a nap.
Guest:And next thing I know, I've blown this afternoon because I'm so exhausted by the anxiety of making a mistake.
Marc:I do that too.
Marc:I did that today.
Marc:First there's like, are I going to write?
Marc:And then you're like, oh, fuck.
Marc:Fridge.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:For a while.
Yeah.
Marc:Right?
Marc:And then you close the fridge, and then you sit back down at your work, and you're like, oh, there's no fucking way.
Marc:And you literally, you don't have a choice but to sleep, right?
Guest:You're just sort of like, oh.
Guest:Right?
Guest:You can't, you can't.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:It's like a narcotic.
Guest:It's the closest I will ever come to doing heroin.
Guest:When I lay down, and my pillow loves me.
Guest:The failure nap.
Guest:Oh yeah, the failure nap.
Guest:But to my pillow, it's a celebration.
Guest:My pillow is like, I told you I loved you.
Guest:Why didn't you come back right after you woke up?
Guest:Why did you waste time that you know wasn't going to lead to anything?
Guest:Eventually you're going to die and you're going to be back on top of me.
Guest:And you're never going to finish that piece of woodwork.
Guest:But every once in a while I do, and then I feel like, why don't I do this more?
Guest:Why don't I do it all the time?
Marc:Why don't you?
Guest:That's the everyday battle.
Guest:But why don't you?
Guest:I don't know.
Guest:That's why I go to therapy and support groups.
Guest:To ask why you can't finish a piece of furniture?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:How do I get rid of that feeling of like...
Guest:Something's going to go wrong.
Guest:The controller freak's got an answer.
Guest:Here's the answer.
Guest:I have the answer for you.
Guest:As most black women usually do.
Guest:So instead of being afraid of this one individual project... Can you wag your finger at me when you tell me?
Guest:Listen, baby.
Guest:Let me tell you something.
Guest:You just fuck around with this one piece of furniture.
Guest:What you need to do is make 10 pieces of furniture.
Guest:Nine of them gonna be fucked up, but that one gonna be off the hook.
Guest:For the white people who didn't understand what I was saying, if you're prolific in your work, much of it will be mediocre, but you will have brief bursts of superlative effort.
Guest:And that work will be transcendent.
Marc:The one catch to that is the mediocre work part.
Guest:That will crush your soul.
Marc:I'd rather nap and hate myself and beat the fuck out of myself and wait years for the one superlative effort than to have people go like, yeah, most of his stuff is shit, but he did this one thing that was pretty good.
Guest:I don't know.
Guest:I don't feel like you can avoid mediocrity.
Guest:I feel like, I don't know.
Guest:I'm serious.
Marc:I don't.
Marc:Sounds like someone surrendered.
Guest:Ah, yes.
Guest:A long time ago.
Guest:Talked to my butler.
Guest:So here's the thing.
Guest:Do you pay him to tell you you're a genius?
Guest:Oh, I pay him for a lot of things.
Guest:No, here's the thing.
Guest:Here's the thing.
Guest:I use this analogy all the time.
Marc:You mean irrationalized mediocrity?
Guest:No, yes.
Guest:What I'm going to say is that you are never going to have a perfect record.
Guest:Nobody has a perfect record.
Guest:The best batting, a good batting average in baseball is what, like a 330, 340 out of 1,000?
Guest:That means three times out of 10 at bats you hit the ball.
Guest:That's the nature of being human.
Guest:I understand that.
Guest:My point is, everybody has their legend.
Guest:Anybody remember the Tom Cruise movie Legends?
Guest:It's a fucking massive turd.
Guest:It's a piece of crap.
Guest:You watch it because it's ironic, but even when you watch it, wow, this sucks.
Guest:Why did I waste my afternoon?
Guest:He also has done great work.
Guest:He also did Born on the Fourth of July.
Guest:You can't do Born on the Fourth of July without doing legend.
Guest:It's an impossibility.
Guest:You have to build a body of work.
Guest:People will look at your body of work and see it as excellent, but you are going to shit the bed.
Guest:You not might shit the bed.
Guest:You will shit the bed.
Guest:the bed.
Marc:Yes, but wouldn't you rather shit the bed for real than shit the bed with garbage?
Marc:I've done it both ways.
Marc:I would rather just literally shit the bed on stage than do something fucking half-assed or mediocre.
Guest:Well, you don't go in to do it half-assed.
Guest:I'm just saying you have to pour yourself into everything you do wholeheartedly, but you're never going to bat a thousand.
Guest:It's impossible in art.
Marc:Shitting the bed is much more interesting than legend.
Guest:It's so smelly.
Marc:I would rather see Tom Cruise shit an actual bed than
Marc:And shit through that fucking movie.
Marc:The fact is that no one's going to pay him $20 million to shit a bed.
Marc:That's true.
Guest:But do you think he went into that movie thinking he was going to shit the bed?
Marc:Who the fuck knows what he thinks?
Guest:I think some people make art and it just turns out shitty in the end.
Guest:I think people go into things not knowing.
Marc:So you're saying you can blame other people?
Guest:Yes, you can.
Guest:All I'm saying is that perfection is impossible at art.
Guest:It's impossible.
Guest:It's an impossibility.
Marc:Yeah, but art is possible.
Guest:Art is possible.
Guest:Shitty art is also possible.
Guest:Well, it depends.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:What your barometer for that is.
Guest:Don't you think all the worst sets you had as a comedian made you a better comedian?
Guest:I never had a bad one.
Guest:Fuck you, Gilmartin.
Guest:I just wanted to say something.
Marc:Let me get Dave out here.
Marc:Paul Gilmartin, ladies and gentlemen.
Marc:I think Dave will weigh in on this.
Marc:I think this is the man of the hour, the organizer, one of the organizers of this festival.
Marc:Please welcome Dave Anthony to the stage.
Marc:Dana, you're next, alright?
Marc:Dana?
Marc:Is Dave here?
Oh.
Marc:Sit down.
Marc:Just sit down.
Marc:Dana, you're closing, okay?
Marc:Okay, good to see you.
Marc:Hey, so, uh, is this what sobriety looks like?
Guest:Yeah, Jesus Christ, man.
Guest:How's your fucking night going?
Guest:Good, man.
Guest:I feel fucking great.
Guest:You got the Nicorettes, you got coffee, you got Diet Coke, you got water.
Guest:That's right.
Guest:Nicorette's spelled with a C, not a G. Yeah.
Guest:How pissed would you be if... I mean, not if you get them in the South.
Guest:They're a whole different brand.
Yeah.
Guest:We're still keeping it real down there.
Guest:Great to see you, Dave.
Guest:Great to see you.
Marc:Dave, what do you think of mediocrity as being rationalizable as process?
Guest:Aisha's right.
Guest:She does a lot of mediocre shit.
Guest:It's just like we're back in San Francisco.
Guest:I love it.
Guest:All this very fucking resentment.
Guest:I love it.
Guest:Couple with a kind of a sublimated need to fuck.
Guest:All right.
Guest:Let's see how upset he gets.
Guest:The white man's struggle in comedy has been tough.
Guest:Very, very tough.
Guest:But we persevere, don't we, gentlemen?
Marc:Are you taking a shot at me?
Marc:What's happening?
Guest:No, I was not taking a shot.
Guest:Are you listening to me?
Marc:No, you're talking to them.
Marc:You're not looking at me.
Guest:I came up here and I just saw these eyes on me and they're like, do something fun.
Guest:And I was like, alright, I'll make this thing fun.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:So, listen to me, man.
Marc:I listen to you all day.
Marc:Dave is writing on the next season of Marin, by the way.
Guest:Yeah, but...
Guest:It's not that great because I hear you in my head all day because I have to write your voice.
Marc:Dave, we're getting along fine, and it's all good.
Marc:If you want to make it miserable for these people, then go ahead.
Marc:I'm happy to have you as a friend.
Marc:You're very difficult to deal with, and I never know when it's going to hurt.
Guest:When you write for him, is there a specific font that represents needy?
Guest:There's actually, there's a font called Marin now.
Guest:There's bold and needy, yeah.
Marc:Angry and needy Marin.
Marc:Yeah, there's no other thing.
Marc:Hey, so how's the festival going this year?
Marc:It's going good so far.
Marc:This is...
Marc:This is the opening show, but this year it's smoother than last year.
Marc:You like the fucking Bill Graham of this thing.
Marc:I mean, this is a big deal.
Marc:I mean, podcasting is a new thing.
Marc:We all do it.
Marc:It's changed our lives, and Dave and Graham came up with this fucking amazing idea, and you guys came to it.
Marc:And Chris Mancini.
Marc:And Andy Wood.
Marc:And Andy Wood.
Marc:So what's the goal?
Marc:Are we going to play bigger venues soon?
Marc:What's going to happen?
Marc:What's the future of PodFest?
Guest:I mean, it seems like people like podcasts.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Yeah, so and this year we've grown over last year We have more podcasts and we have now we have live streaming and there's more people here So we may outgrow the hotel.
Guest:I don't know what I don't know it might be happening this fuck.
Guest:Yeah, man How will they step up with even shittier service?
Guest:Well, that's the thing
Guest:I think we can find a place that will take an hour to get you your food.
Guest:But maybe what you internalize comes out and people don't want to give you food.
Marc:Maybe that's what's happening.
Marc:See how he does it?
Marc:He just turns shit around and makes it all your fault.
Marc:This is the saddest man in the world.
Guest:I am so fucking happy right now.
Guest:Tell your face!
Guest:Man, I'm at my peak.
Guest:I'm at my peak.
Guest:This is it.
Guest:You keep saying that.
Guest:It's like it's the new you.
Guest:It's a new me.
Guest:I've known you for 20 years.
Guest:It must be a very subtle difference.
Guest:Well, inside, there are tiny shifts.
Guest:It's like a fault in the earth.
Guest:It's just a little eek.
Guest:Yeah, part of you gives up and crumbles.
Marc:And you accept it.
Guest:There's never been crumbling.
Guest:There's been a lot of giving up.
Guest:And crying.
Guest:Do you cry?
Guest:I've tried it.
Guest:It doesn't happen.
Guest:Yeah, I cried.
Guest:I think I've cried once in the past maybe 10 years.
Guest:Really?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:What was it about?
Guest:Uh, pain.
Guest:Yeah, just nonspecific.
Guest:Even his tears come out as bile, though.
Guest:Yeah, they're black.
Guest:They're black.
Guest:And when they go down to my face, if you put a microphone, a tiny mic up to them, you would hear them go, hey.
Guest:Hey.
Marc:Wait, have you been on Paul's podcast?
Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest:I went on there and people enjoyed it.
Guest:And some guy actually went on iTunes and left a review of my podcast and said, this is bullshit.
Guest:This guy's nothing like he was on Paul Gilmartin's podcast.
Guest:So Paul got sad, reflective, Dave?
Guest:Well, you know, I do what the podcast is.
Guest:Like, your podcast is all about inner angst and all that shit.
Guest:And his...
Guest:And his gets into like a more real place about what's going on.
Guest:Yours like takes pain and tries to turn into art and funny and all that shit.
Guest:But he's like more real.
Marc:He took the part of my podcast that actually dealt with people's problems and made an entire podcast out of it.
Guest:Oh, is that what happened?
Guest:He took yours?
Guest:That's not a lie.
Guest:That's not.
Marc:I know, I know.
Marc:I'm not saying that to toot my own horn.
Marc:We talked about it.
Marc:We talked about it.
Marc:I'm not that guy.
Marc:I'm glad everyone's doing podcasts, but we... Don't get close.
Marc:No, no.
Marc:You took a dick shot and it didn't work out because he got my back and he told the truth and you were ready to fucking bury me.
Marc:I know what happened there.
Marc:Just take a hit.
Guest:You're already like, oh, Marin Z goes out of control, and you lost.
Guest:I've seen you moping around for weeks.
Guest:You're right, he goes not out of control.
Guest:Here's Marc Maron in the writer's room.
Guest:All right, this is last fucking season anyway, so let's just do it.
Marc:Sit down.
Marc:That's how my perfectionism works out.
Marc:But that was just once, and then I go like, no, everybody's doing a good job.
Marc:But no, but we talked about it, Paul and I. Have you been on his podcast?
Marc:Yeah, have I?
Marc:He was in my house.
Marc:He was like one of the first ones.
Marc:Yeah, I think you were my second or third guest.
Guest:Have you been on Aisha's podcast?
Guest:No.
Guest:Have you been on Aisha's podcast?
Guest:I haven't, but I want to.
Guest:I haven't either.
Guest:I haven't either.
Marc:What is that about?
Marc:Racism.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Straight up.
Marc:That's right.
Marc:See how that works?
Marc:Pure.
Guest:It's very hard to find white male middle-aged comedians to get on your podcast.
Guest:I would hire more if you could give me a binder full of middle-aged white comedians, I would hire them right now.
Guest:My God.
Guest:If we could only find sassy black ladies...
Guest:There's like three.
Guest:That's like finding Bigfoot.
Guest:Did you see they found Bigfoot?
Guest:I'm right here.
Guest:What the fuck?
Guest:That was weird.
Guest:They found Bigfoot today.
Guest:Did you see that video that came out?
Guest:It's insane.
Guest:It's Bigfoot.
Guest:I caught the motherfucker.
Guest:On video.
Guest:And there's a second one moving around in the background.
Guest:Is that true?
Guest:Yeah, they got Bigfoot.
Guest:And they got DNA.
Guest:They got saliva and blood.
Guest:I assume shit.
Guest:shit.
Guest:They got it all.
Guest:Where?
Guest:Really?
Guest:Yeah, some guy went out.
Guest:The Erickson Project.
Guest:He went out and he's been trying to find Bigfoot.
Guest:He's a scientist.
Guest:He's legit.
Guest:He's a scientist.
Guest:Has anybody else heard this?
Guest:Did you guys see the video?
Guest:And the face?
Guest:The goddamn face!
Guest:These lies.
Guest:Bigfoot, you get like a side view and then he turns and he looks at the camera and he winks.
And
Guest:He gives it a little wink, and then he looks down at his poop and goes, and then he walks off.
Guest:And so they got him.
Guest:This is outrageous.
Guest:Okay, we got closure on the Bigfoot thing.
Guest:Mark doesn't want to talk about Bigfoot.
Marc:No, I do.
Marc:I'm a little out of the loop with it.
Marc:I just assumed.
Marc:I'm glad there's movement.
Guest:Well, Discovery News would like you to know that the new Bigfoot sighting is the latest in a series of hoaxes perpetrated by Dave Anthony.
Guest:Bullshit.
Guest:Bullshit.
Marc:All right, Dave Anthony, ladies and gentlemen.
Let's get Dana.
Marc:Who got the most time?
Marc:Pardon?
Marc:No, it's about even.
Marc:Ladies and gentlemen, I am proud to bring on stage a comedian I saw when I first started doing comedy, I think he was 12 years old at the time, in Boston, Massachusetts, the amazing Dana Gould, ladies and gentlemen.
Hello.
Guest:Hi.
Guest:Hi.
Guest:I'm Chris Hardwick.
Guest:Welcome to Talking Merit.
Guest:Dave, what do you think Mark was thinking when he said hello to you?
Guest:I think he was thinking I have to lash out or Dave's going to hurt me first.
Guest:Mark, what was going through Dave's mind when I asked him that question just now?
Marc:How much he secretly loves me, but he has to hate on me just to make himself feel better.
Guest:Dave, is it weird that I'm going to tell you?
Guest:What is going through your mind right now that I'm asking you this question?
Marc:Stop it!
Guest:So many onion layers to show business.
Marc:Danny Gould is someone who's never done anything mediocre in his life.
Marc:Yep.
Guest:Or overtly successful.
Guest:That's the price you pay.
Guest:I'm the Bruce Campbell of comedy.
Guest:Why aren't you more successful?
Guest:I don't know.
Guest:I don't know.
Guest:I'm on burn notice.
Guest:I make a nice living.
Marc:No, that's what Bruce does.
Marc:Oh, is he?
Marc:No, I fucking, like, I can't, like, I think the first time I saw you was at Play It Against Sam's in Alston Mass, and it was before you left for whatever the hell you were going to do, and you looked like you were 14.
Guest:I did.
Guest:In my defense, I looked like I was 14 until I was 32.
Guest:I aged all at once.
Guest:When did you start?
Guest:I was 17 when I started, and I was as savvy as any 17-year-old, surrounded by middle-aged cokeheads.
Guest:But that's the thing, I worry, and you know... Remember Chris Collins?
Marc:How you doing?
Marc:What's going on?
Guest:I just found out that there was some guy in Boston that was still alive, and I was like, Dick Dority.
Marc:Oh, yeah.
Marc:It's still alive!
Marc:You know, the first thing he said to me, I drove him to a road gig.
Marc:He goes, your problem, Marcus, you're insecure.
Marc:You're insecure.
Guest:And we worked with these guys that were these very, you know, working-class guys that got paid in cash, unreported cash, every night.
Marc:Bob Seibel.
Guest:Remember Bob Seibel?
Guest:Bob Seibel, the Lenny Bruce of Lynn.
Guest:Literally would look like his... There was so much cocaine back then that you'd talk to these people.
Guest:I didn't realize that adults' pupils did not go in and out like the ending of a Looney Tunes.
Guest:And Bob Seibel was literally getting divorced from his wife, which is something I can sympathize.
Guest:um on a pay phone at sam's at the top of the music please look a very funny guy please welcome bob lazarus and he went upstairs are you him now diane is he there now you're him right now diane you're trying to hurt me and i can't be hurt hang on a minute bob's almost done everybody please welcome brian kiley he's there right now and i'll never forget this this is like 1986. his wife diane was a fireman
Guest:Because he was saying on the phone, you're sucking his hose right now.
Guest:But as somebody who's gone through a divorce, I can understand.
Guest:It's a painful scenario.
Guest:I wasn't riffing during the conversation.
Guest:During the ugly talk at the kitchen table.
Marc:There was no riffing.
Marc:No, no.
Marc:All you're doing is like, how did we stop it?
Marc:How do we stop hemorrhaging money?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:It was that and just a lot of this.
Guest:Uh-huh.
Yeah.
Guest:No, I did.
Guest:I did.
Guest:No.
Guest:But you... Uh-huh.
Guest:It's just there's nothing.
Guest:Oh, I'm sorry.
Guest:That's all right.
Guest:All right.
Guest:Think of all funny I'm going to be this year.
Guest:Oh, yeah.
Guest:I need about two more months.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Worth it.
Guest:Once we put that shit together.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Right?
Guest:Worth it, right?
Guest:Oh, totally!
Guest:Totes!
Totes!
Guest:It's at the point right now where we're talking about your divorce, as you know.
Guest:It's like talking to people about your diarrhea.
Marc:Very important to you.
Marc:Nobody wants to know.
Marc:But also, is that once they turn the switch on, you can't turn it off.
Marc:Yeah, that's it.
Marc:Like, once the switch is like, oh, fuck her, and then it's like, oh, here we go.
Marc:It doesn't even matter who you're talking to.
Marc:They can switch up, you know?
Guest:Yeah, I don't know.
Guest:I just think she really, she grew apart.
Guest:Maybe, you know, a lot of it's me, but... I gotta go.
Guest:Yeah, hang on a minute.
Guest:We're trying to measure your gum pockets.
Guest:I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Guest:I got a 4, 3, 3, 4 on the lingual.
Guest:I think she's fucking the guy she works with.
Guest:2 on the, hang on.
Guest:4 on number 19.
Guest:Everybody over 30 is laughing.
Guest:No one under 30 knows what I'm talking about.
Guest:The bone graft candidates are all chuckling heartily.
Marc:You know who I saw the other day?
Marc:Ed Driscoll.
Guest:Hey!
Guest:My old roommate.
Guest:More neuroses per square inch than any apartment in Los Angeles.
Marc:He was a Boston guy.
Guest:Yeah, really.
Guest:Here's a guy...
Guest:So motherfucking funny.
Guest:And when we were roommates, we lived in this thing where you could see people pull in.
Guest:Every time I would pull in, I would come to the apartment, and he would pretend to, hopefully, he would be at the fridge pretending to urinate in my milk.
Guest:Like, I would come in and he would pretend to be, oh, hey!
Guest:Pretending to be caught urinating in my milk.
LAUGHTER
Guest:And every day I'd do it and I would come up the stairs going, he's at the fridge now.
Guest:And I would still laugh.
Guest:Another divorced, why can't people who have the simple job of going into nightclubs and using a sound system to beg strangers to love them, why can't we have intimacy?
Guest:You forgot the long hours away from your spouse and the copious amounts of free alcohol.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:It's a lot of that and just a lot of... But you know what's weird is we can be intimate with these people.
Marc:Exactly.
Marc:Isn't that the weirdest thing?
Marc:It's like, you know, I can't... Like, one-on-one, it's like, oh, my God, this is a clusterfuck.
Marc:Right.
Marc:But, like, with these people, it's like, I'll tell these people anything.
Guest:Yeah, because there's no intimacy.
Marc:No, there's... I'm very intimate.
Guest:And you're totally... But they look normal, right?
Guest:You tell them your secrets.
Guest:But here's the thing.
Guest:Here's the thing.
Guest:Yeah.
Yeah.
Guest:There's intimacy in it, but you're in control of it.
Guest:There's intimacy without vulnerability.
Marc:I think you overestimate me.
Marc:I almost cried in Buffalo.
Marc:On stage.
Guest:That's my favorite poem.
LAUGHTER
Guest:E.E.
Guest:Cummings.
Guest:I almost cried in Buffalo.
Guest:And that made all the difference.
Guest:On stage, yeah.
Guest:Oh, yeah, I can see that.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:You played, you were, wasn't there some great story?
Guest:Oh, I've, I've, I'm a fucking train wreck, Mark.
Guest:You know me.
Marc:Was there some great story back in the day at Cobbs?
Marc:Were you like, yeah.
Guest:I walked off stage.
Guest:I had a panic attack on stage.
Guest:There was a time when you'd do three shows in a night.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:At the height of the boom.
Guest:It was a different time.
Marc:Yeah, Jake can tell you about that.
Marc:You guys are boom veterans.
Guest:There was a comedy boom.
Guest:You had to go down to Kinko's and Xerox, your newsletter.
Guest:And doing a show thinking, God, I hope I set my VCR to tape the X-Files.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And I was on stage.
Guest:I had three shows on a Saturday night.
Guest:And I was headlining.
Guest:So it was like three one-hour shows.
Guest:And I was about 11 minutes into the first show.
Guest:And I was just like, can't be here right now.
Guest:Can't be here right now.
Guest:Heart racing.
Guest:I just had an anxiety attack.
Guest:If you've never had an anxiety attack before, it's literally, I'm going insane now.
Guest:This is what it's like when I lose my mind.
Guest:How did you excuse yourself?
Guest:I said, and I don't know how I had the presence of mind to say this, as I was not really in my frame of mind at the time.
Guest:I said, I got here just before I went on and I really should have used the washroom.
Guest:So I'm going to excuse myself for a minute.
Guest:You said you were shitting yourself.
Guest:No, no, I had to pee.
Guest:I had to pee.
Guest:I can't say shitting.
Guest:Even in the depths of my panic attack, I'm hoping to get laid after the show.
Guest:You know, still I'm going to leave a little opening.
Guest:You know, you could be going, you could be on your way to your lethal injection and you'd be like, so where are you from?
Guest:It just never stops.
Guest:the nurse giving you your lethal injection so you're from buffalo i cried there once that's how buffalo is in my mind so i walk off the stage and i'm literally like i'm just like hyperventilating and my heart is racing and i really think i'm dying and the club owner tom sawyer who many insane i didn't say that
Guest:This is all I'm going to say.
Guest:When it comes to club owners, I know this will shock you, but it's hard to believe that the occupation that gave the world Jack Ruby could produce some unsavory characters.
Marc:Tom Sawyer was a guy, you get off stage, he'd say things like, I was tagging your bits from the back.
Marc:What the fuck was that?
Marc:I got five tags for you.
Marc:You want some tags?
Guest:Why do you keep looking at the wall?
Guest:What's over there?
Guest:What the fuck is that?
Marc:Let me tell you what you did wrong.
Marc:All right, so what's Tom say?
Guest:So he goes, who's on stage right now?
Guest:And I go, no one.
Guest:And I walk into the men's room and I just get in the stall and I just stand there for a while.
Guest:And I literally, like, I'm barely in my body.
Guest:I'm just barely in my body.
Guest:And then after a couple of minutes, I kind of collect myself and I walk out and the MC's on stage.
Guest:And I got through, I white knuckled it through the rest of the night and then flew home and stayed in my house for about six weeks.
Six weeks.
Guest:Yeah, I literally just kind of fell apart.
Guest:But you're doing all right now?
Guest:Did you kill?
Marc:Yeah, yeah.
Guest:You feel good?
Guest:Yeah, I did.
Guest:And I medicated.
Marc:Yeah, yeah.
Guest:What are you on?
Marc:It's good?
Guest:I'm on Zoloft.
Guest:Uh-huh.
Guest:And I was off it for a while.
Guest:It was the craziest thing.
Guest:I was a train wreck and then a trained medical professional advised me to take a very specifically designed medication.
Guest:And I took it and I got better.
Guest:So much so that after a while I thought, I got this.
Guest:so i stopped taking it and within seven weeks i'm flying home a day early from atlanta yeah because i haven't slept since thursday and now it's sunday and i'm just like getting out of bed at five o'clock in the morning for the third night in a row going guess i'm up
Guest:It's true.
Guest:It's true, yeah.
Guest:Okay, then.
Guest:Just, where's my mind going?
Guest:Like, I know I'm on stage, and I know I'm in the middle of a bed.
Guest:How many seasons are the Munsters on?
Guest:Just, it's like... And then when I started to take in the medication again, things got better.
Guest:Thank God.
Guest:Dana Gould, ladies and gentlemen.
Guest:Dave Anthony.
Guest:Praga Martin.
Guest:Aisha Tyler.
Guest:Jimmy Cardo.
Guest:Thank you so much.
Guest:Enjoy the rest of the podcast.
Guest:Thank you.
Guest:We got that music?
Guest:Enjoy your festival.
Guest:Thank you for coming.
Guest:Good night.
Marc:If you want to take a picture with me or say hi, I'll go out there in a minute.