Episode 458 - Artie Lange

Episode 458 • Released January 1, 2014 • Speakers detected

00:00:00Marc:all right let's do this how are you what the fuckers what the fuck buddies what the fucking ears what the fuck nicks what the fucksters i am mark maron this is wtf this is a new year if you're listening to this show on the day it has dropped it is january 2nd of 2014 are we gonna make a big deal out of it

00:00:29Marc:I'm surprised.

00:00:31Marc:I'm surprised I'm alive.

00:00:34Marc:I'm surprised that I'm okay.

00:00:36Marc:I'm surprised that things are going well.

00:00:40Marc:Some of you would say, well, maybe you shouldn't be surprised.

00:00:42Marc:I am surprised.

00:00:43Marc:I'm always surprised.

00:00:44Marc:I feel okay about it.

00:00:46Marc:But I wasn't going to acknowledge the new year.

00:00:49Marc:I was just going to make a smooth transition into another day.

00:00:54Marc:Just another day like any other day.

00:00:57Marc:And I just couldn't do it.

00:01:00Marc:I was going to drop out.

00:01:01Marc:I was going to not acknowledge the time passing in the way that it has been forced upon us to acknowledge it.

00:01:07Marc:I was not going to buy into the calendar conspiracy of truth anymore.

00:01:11Marc:Hours, minutes, seconds, days, months, years.

00:01:16Marc:I know there's history involved.

00:01:19Marc:Today is the first show of the new year, 2014.

00:01:22Marc:And my guest is Artie Lang.

00:01:28Marc:The amazing, resilient raconteur and comic mind and fucking warrior, Artie Lang.

00:01:46Marc:It was amazing talking to him, and I think he was good.

00:01:49Marc:I'm glad we held the interview until the first of the year because his story is a great way to start a new year.

00:01:56Marc:So that's happening in a few minutes.

00:01:58Marc:All right, that's coming up.

00:02:01Marc:Love, Artie.

00:02:03Marc:Can't wait to share this talk we had.

00:02:06Marc:Season one of the IFC show Marin I know is now on Netflix America.

00:02:16Marc:I don't know about the other ones.

00:02:17Marc:I'll look into it.

00:02:18Marc:Thanks for asking.

00:02:20Marc:How was your new year?

00:02:21Marc:Was it OK?

00:02:22Marc:Did you do all right?

00:02:23Marc:Is everybody safe?

00:02:24Marc:Did you take care of yourself?

00:02:27Marc:Like I said, I wasn't going to acknowledge it.

00:02:30Marc:But I had ended up I put in to do some shows at the comedy store early and that was a month or so ago.

00:02:37Marc:And then I went to a small party with a friend.

00:02:43Marc:That was nice.

00:02:44Marc:I was with somebody at midnight.

00:02:46Marc:That was nice.

00:02:48Marc:And then I freaked out a little bit.

00:02:49Marc:I got a little choked up.

00:02:53Marc:I got to let myself cry more.

00:02:54Marc:Is that okay with you people?

00:02:55Marc:That's what I'm going to do in the new year.

00:02:56Marc:It seems to me that I got to shake some shit loose, that there's some stuff stuck down in my soul's craw.

00:03:03Marc:that needs out i've made a career out of making things funny to the best of my ability and sometimes just intense sometimes heavy sometimes emotional but i find that in my conversations with you guys i can be pretty personal though lately i've been holding a little something back uh but not too much nothing bad i'm just trying to you know keep my private life a little more private for now

00:03:29Marc:Don't fucking freak out.

00:03:31Marc:All right.

00:03:31Marc:It's not that I'm not being honest with you or candid.

00:03:35Marc:I'm just processing.

00:03:36Marc:This is the new year.

00:03:38Marc:But there's something stuck down there.

00:03:40Marc:Something needs to come out.

00:03:41Marc:I've got to release it out of my heart in the form of a explosion of exciting grief and liquid from my eyes.

00:03:53Marc:That's my plan in 2014.

00:03:55Marc:I want to have one relatively healthy, complete emotional meltdown in the presence of somebody I trust.

00:04:05Marc:That's my big plan.

00:04:07Marc:I don't know that it's ever happened.

00:04:09Marc:in a precise way.

00:04:11Marc:Right now that I'm 50 years old, I know what's gone down.

00:04:14Marc:I know what I've been through.

00:04:15Marc:I know where I've been.

00:04:16Marc:I have some wisdom, but it seems I've been... The only thing that I'm able to compartmentalize with any boundaries at all is the pain that I'm keeping in my heart.

00:04:28Marc:And I'd like to wrap it and give it as a gift to somebody and let them unwrap it and release it into the air like a bunch of shitty bats.

00:04:39Marc:That just fly off to good music.

00:04:42Marc:That's what it is.

00:04:43Marc:My pain is wrapped in a box and not unlike at a wedding where they release doves.

00:04:50Marc:My pain box will be opened and shitty bats will come flying out.

00:04:55Marc:But you'll be excited because there will be a swell of music and the music will be sort of ironic in relation to the fact that they're bats.

00:05:02Marc:But there's no reason to judge bats.

00:05:04Marc:It's not their fault.

00:05:05Marc:They fly fucked up and they're weird and they're ugly and they've been associated with horror.

00:05:10Marc:Bats are, you know, they're pretty animals.

00:05:15Marc:So that's it.

00:05:16Marc:A swell of exciting music and a release of a box of bats.

00:05:21Marc:That's where I'm heading, man.

00:05:22Marc:That's this year.

00:05:24Marc:But I did reflect on last year, and I don't know that I took the time.

00:05:28Marc:I know I didn't take the time, and I know this is more of an end-of-the-year thing as opposed to the beginning-of-the-year thing.

00:05:31Marc:But I really do want to thank all of you, all my listeners.

00:05:35Marc:I'd like to thank all my sponsors.

00:05:36Marc:We had a tremendous year, and that was why I got choked up.

00:05:40Marc:I was not going to acknowledge New Year's.

00:05:43Marc:And I found myself just amazed.

00:05:47Marc:I mean, I think that...

00:05:48Marc:That last year was the busiest, most productive year of my life.

00:05:53Marc:I had no idea I would be as busy and productive.

00:05:56Marc:There was also pain.

00:05:57Marc:There was also drama.

00:06:00Marc:It was a difficult year emotionally.

00:06:01Marc:But Jesus Christ, I did a lot of shit.

00:06:03Marc:I think it might have been the year that I did most of it, that I did all of it.

00:06:07Marc:I don't know if I'll ever have another year like last year.

00:06:09Marc:And I'm not being cynical.

00:06:11Marc:But holy fuck.

00:06:14Marc:What a year.

00:06:15Marc:And I certainly couldn't have done it without you.

00:06:17Marc:Do you understand what I'm saying?

00:06:20Marc:OK, yes.

00:06:21Marc:So resolutions to continue breathing, to try to get a little healthier, to open my heart and release the bats to hopefully again find love in my life and process my grief.

00:06:32Marc:I mean, Jesus Christ, my bed table looks like a fucking self-help library.

00:06:36Marc:You can have all those books.

00:06:38Marc:But if you're not doing the work, nothing's going to happen.

00:06:41Marc:All you're going to do is you're going to check in with those books every few months and go, oh, fuck, right?

00:06:45Marc:That is me.

00:06:46Marc:Holy shit, this is spot on.

00:06:49Marc:God damn it.

00:06:50Marc:I do do that.

00:06:52Marc:Oh, look, if I do this, then I'll feel better.

00:06:55Marc:Reading about it makes me feel better.

00:06:57Marc:Ugh.

00:06:58Marc:Man, I'm glad I picked up that book.

00:07:00Marc:I feel seen and understood.

00:07:02Marc:Now I will put that book back on the shelf until I fucking hit the wall again.

00:07:07Marc:Then I'll check back in with it and feel seen and understood.

00:07:11Marc:Now put it back on the shelf.

00:07:13Marc:How do you do the work?

00:07:14Marc:How do you release the box of bats in your heart?

00:07:17Marc:God damn it.

00:07:19Marc:Courage.

00:07:21Marc:Letting it happen.

00:07:22Marc:Trust.

00:07:23Marc:Trust.

00:07:26Marc:Something I neglected to tell you about my trip to Phoenix.

00:07:30Marc:I told you all of it, but I forgot to mention that not only did I listen to Black Sabbath volume four over and over again in a fast car, but I turned all of my nieces and nephews onto Black Sabbath.

00:07:43Marc:I sat them in the car and I'm like, where are you at musically?

00:07:45Marc:What's happening?

00:07:47Marc:Listen to this.

00:07:49Marc:Super not.

00:07:49Marc:Listen to that.

00:07:51Marc:Does that do anything for you, 12-year-old?

00:07:52Marc:Does that do anything for you, 14-year-old girl?

00:07:55Marc:Does that do anything for you, 16-year-old girl?

00:07:58Marc:Absorb it.

00:07:59Marc:What have I done?

00:08:00Marc:Those moments are life-changing if they enter, if they are processed, if they go in.

00:08:05Marc:Those moments where it's like where you hear a bit of music or you see a bit of film and you're like, my life is never going to be the same because someone dumped that into my head.

00:08:20Marc:It just reconfigured all of it.

00:08:22Marc:The brain is now different.

00:08:25Marc:Maybe I did that.

00:08:27Marc:And also, I met Ty Siegel at Permanent Records here in L.A.

00:08:30Marc:I go to two record stores here in my neighborhood.

00:08:32Marc:I go to Gimme Gimme, hang out with my buddy Dan.

00:08:36Marc:And I go up to a permanent, hang out with Liz and Lance, Permanent Records LA.

00:08:41Marc:And Ty Siegel sometimes does, he has a residency up there at Permanent Records once in a while.

00:08:49Marc:And I was sort of, you know, he's a kid, man.

00:08:53Marc:I mean, he's not a kid kid, but he's a lot younger than me.

00:08:56Marc:I just happen to think he's a fucking amazing musical artist.

00:08:59Marc:And I act like a goddamn fan boy.

00:09:01Marc:I'm just like, I can't even talk right.

00:09:03Marc:I'm like hoping that I'm cool enough

00:09:05Marc:to talk to this kid.

00:09:08Marc:But by the time I left, he had talked me into buying two Hawkwind albums, so I'm in that hole.

00:09:17Marc:All right, so now, you know, sometimes I tell stories, and sometimes I tell good stories, and sometimes I tell fragmented things that wander about.

00:09:25Marc:Happy New Year, did I mention that?

00:09:26Marc:But the one thing I've noticed about Artie Lang, who I've met a couple of times in my life, is that he...

00:09:33Marc:Whatever comes out of his mouth is going to be a fully formed, beautiful story with an arc and with some humor and with some revelation.

00:09:43Marc:He's a natural raconteur.

00:09:47Marc:And it's a beautiful thing.

00:09:49Marc:He is a great guest to start the new year because nobody has hit the wall harder than Artie and pulled himself back up again.

00:09:57Marc:Again.

00:09:59Marc:And he's holding it.

00:10:00Marc:He's holding strong.

00:10:02Marc:And he's doing all right.

00:10:05Marc:Oh, I want to explain what's going on before we start the conversation here.

00:10:11Marc:Artie walked into my garage.

00:10:14Marc:And you can hear him when we start the conversation.

00:10:16Marc:He's a little off mic because he's looking around.

00:10:20Marc:And out of everything in this room, he walked right to the back wall of my garage and right up to this photograph that I have of me and Sam Kennison at the Comedy Store.

00:10:32Marc:1987.

00:10:34Marc:I look like a ghost.

00:10:38Marc:And Sam looks like the devil.

00:10:42Marc:And it's one of my favorite photographs as a reminder of a lot of things.

00:10:48Marc:But it's a hell of a picture.

00:10:50Marc:And I wanted to leave that part in where Artie walks in.

00:10:54Marc:I turn the mics on.

00:10:56Marc:So please now, our first guest of the new year, the inimitable Artie Lang is in the garage.

00:11:07Marc:Enjoy.

00:11:13Guest:I look healthy in that picture.

00:11:25Marc:You can tell I was having a good time there, can't you?

00:11:33Marc:You said, one of those guys ain't going to make it.

00:11:39Marc:It was certainly a toss-up at that point.

00:11:41Guest:One of those guys ain't going to see the year 2000.

00:11:44Guest:Holy shit, that's great.

00:11:46Marc:You met Sam before he died?

00:11:48Guest:No, I never met him.

00:11:49Guest:Just as I started going to New York to try something, he died just as that happened.

00:11:56Guest:When the hell was that?

00:11:56Guest:92.

00:11:57Guest:I was 23 in 92.

00:11:58Guest:And that's when I first started going in and just going to clubs and seeing if I would even want to try something.

00:12:05Marc:I have no recollection of when he died.

00:12:08Marc:You know what I do, because I know where I was.

00:12:10Marc:And I was so mad at him.

00:12:12Marc:April 92, yeah.

00:12:13Marc:I was so mad at him.

00:12:14Marc:I just moved to San Francisco.

00:12:16Marc:Right.

00:12:16Marc:And I blamed him for a lot of my insanity.

00:12:19Guest:Were you in a good space with him when he died?

00:12:22Guest:Yeah.

00:12:22Marc:No, no, because I lost my mind on drugs when I was 21 or 22, and he was definitely part of that.

00:12:28Marc:Like blow mostly?

00:12:29Marc:Yeah, you like that stuff.

00:12:33Marc:Oh, God, yeah.

00:12:33Marc:You like anything.

00:12:35Marc:Yeah.

00:12:35Marc:But so I lost my mind.

00:12:36Marc:Yeah, I hear you.

00:12:37Marc:For like a year.

00:12:38Marc:Did you hear voices in your head?

00:12:41Marc:Yeah, I had everything, man.

00:12:42Guest:Everything.

00:12:44Marc:We're professionals.

00:12:44Marc:Yeah, I was five-star crazy.

00:12:47Marc:Yeah.

00:12:48Marc:You know?

00:12:48Marc:Yeah, so I kind of held him responsible for that.

00:12:50Marc:When I heard he died, I was like, oh, fuck that guy.

00:12:52Marc:But now, I listen, that first record is the best.

00:12:56Guest:So wait, so you started, you were thinking- I started going into the city, and I would just sit in the back of clubs.

00:13:02Guest:Which ones?

00:13:03Guest:Stand Up New York, The Cellar, and I would just watch guys.

00:13:08Marc:Yeah.

00:13:08Guest:And that could be depressing, you know?

00:13:10Guest:Yeah.

00:13:10Guest:And then, you know, I first saw you at the Luna Lounge, the one on 8th and 16th in the back of Rebar.

00:13:18Guest:Remember that play?

00:13:19Guest:Oh, my God.

00:13:20Marc:The original alt-comedy, bro.

00:13:22Guest:Yeah, and I got a spot on that.

00:13:25Guest:in the spring of 95, and I did this monologue, and the casting director for MADtv was there, and that's how I got MADtv, at Luna Lounge.

00:13:36Guest:At Rebar.

00:13:37Guest:At Rebar, yeah.

00:13:38Guest:So it wasn't even Luna yet.

00:13:39Marc:It wasn't called Luna Lounge at that point.

00:13:42Marc:The one on Ludlow Street was Luna Lounge.

00:13:43Marc:Right, the one at Rebar, I think the show was like tentatively called Eating It or something like that.

00:13:48Marc:But I mean, that was like the very beginning.

00:13:50Marc:People were sitting on the floor.

00:13:51Guest:Right, but two months before I did that monologue there, someone told me to go down there and I saw you for the first time.

00:13:57Guest:And I'll never forget what you did.

00:13:58Guest:You destroyed and...

00:14:00Guest:You did a bit about you had just driven down from Boston.

00:14:04Guest:Yeah.

00:14:04Guest:And you said, I love driving long distances because no matter what's fucked up in your head, a part of your brain has to drive that car.

00:14:14Guest:Right.

00:14:15Guest:A part of your brain has to say, I have to drive a car so I can't get too dark.

00:14:20Guest:I'm not sitting on a couch and I can just fucking go get suicidal.

00:14:24Guest:I have to drive this car and it's a distraction.

00:14:27Guest:And it was inspirational.

00:14:30Guest:It was fantastic.

00:14:31Guest:It's so weird because I used to love that joke and only a certain type of person could get that joke.

00:14:35Guest:I barely did it.

00:14:36Guest:It spoke to me.

00:14:37Guest:At the time, I didn't have a license though.

00:14:41Guest:I was like, I can't get into this.

00:14:44Guest:But yeah, it was great.

00:14:46Guest:And then a few months later, I got a monologue that I ended up doing on the pilot of Mad TV.

00:14:51Marc:So you were one of the first guys?

00:14:53Marc:You were the first cast on there?

00:14:54Guest:The first two years, yeah, I was on.

00:14:55Marc:But before that, what the hell were you doing with your life?

00:14:58Marc:I mean, before you started doing comedy.

00:15:00Guest:I was a longshoreman on the port in Newark.

00:15:03Guest:Were you a union guy?

00:15:04Guest:Yes.

00:15:04Guest:Oh, yeah.

00:15:05Guest:I didn't go to college.

00:15:06Guest:I had to go to...

00:15:09Guest:I failed history, biology, and gym my senior year.

00:15:14Guest:Swear to God.

00:15:15Guest:And I had to go to summer school for gym.

00:15:20Guest:There were 24 kids in the summer school.

00:15:22Guest:Eight of the dumbest Italian, Irish, and black kids you've ever seen in your life from Jersey learning how to rotate properly in volleyball.

00:15:30Guest:Yeah.

00:15:30Guest:And I remember this kid, Mike Shakafore, this black kid.

00:15:34Guest:Our guy was Mr. DeBarberi.

00:15:35Guest:He was the guy.

00:15:37Guest:He'd go, Mr. DeBarberi, I ain't rotating properly.

00:15:40Guest:He would rat me out for not rotating.

00:15:42Guest:And then I wasn't going to college.

00:15:45Guest:I don't have money to go anyway.

00:15:46Guest:And I became a longshoreman, a guy I knew got me a job, a connected guy, got me a job at the port in Newark.

00:15:52Guest:And I got in a union.

00:15:53Guest:And I worked there for two years.

00:15:55Guest:And I saved up on the orange juice stock.

00:15:57Guest:And I saved up enough cash to then...

00:16:00Guest:go and I told the guys it's like something out of a fucking movie I told these like connected guys I said listen I want to quit they're like what are you talking about I was 22 making 70 grand a year and you can make 70 grand that you have to know how to spell your fucking name I went down there I said Eddie sent me and I worked for two years without filling out paperwork

00:16:21Guest:Started getting checks.

00:16:22Guest:I said, Eddie sent me and he said, go over there and listen to what he tells you to do.

00:16:26Guest:And I worked there for two years without filling out a W-2, nothing.

00:16:29Guest:Not an application.

00:16:31Guest:I just started getting checks to my house.

00:16:33Guest:And I got, at the end of the first year, I got what they call a container check, which is,

00:16:37Guest:This crazy scam they had where we got money for every container that went through there.

00:16:42Guest:And it was like five Gs.

00:16:43Guest:Was this under the table?

00:16:45Guest:No, it was all proper checks, but there were bookies every 10 feet.

00:16:48Guest:And I got into the mode, man, where...

00:16:52Guest:because everything was self-destructive and it was extreme but like your family life though you just like that was what you ended up doing because it was your old man my father was a very blue collar guy he climbed roofs for a living and you know he got to about the ninth grade my father right he's a grew up on the street in newark the toughest most street smart guy i ever knew in my life and i looked up he was like my best friend but yeah too much of a best friend right uh you find that out later in life you know their flaws you think they're everything but um

00:17:19Guest:Oh, yeah.

00:17:20Guest:What was that moment?

00:17:21Guest:You know that Attell joke?

00:17:22Guest:He's got that great joke.

00:17:24Guest:I related to this.

00:17:25Guest:He goes, you know when you're a kid, you think your father's Superman, and when you get older, you realize he's just a drunk who likes to wear a cape.

00:17:31Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:17:32Guest:I remember that joke.

00:17:32Guest:That was, you know, I related to that.

00:17:35Guest:That's a great joke.

00:17:37Guest:Yeah.

00:17:38Guest:So he fell off a roof a week after my 18th birthday.

00:17:41Guest:Oh, my God.

00:17:42Guest:And he became a quadriplegic.

00:17:43Guest:Oh, Jesus.

00:17:43Guest:And the guilt was, my job when I worked with him was to hold the ladder

00:17:49Guest:And I sound like I grew up in the 1940s sometimes, but I used to hustle pool with my two buddies.

00:17:56Guest:We used to play nine ball.

00:17:58Guest:And we used to go to a local county college and go in the game room, and it was just free fucking money.

00:18:02Guest:We would pretend we didn't know each other, and we'd get into a nine ball game.

00:18:05Guest:If you hit the five and it was 20 bucks, the nine was like 30.

00:18:07Guest:And my buddy would set me up

00:18:11Guest:uh to shoot them in yeah and the third guy would they would pay me mark and then yeah and then we'd split the money until the guy found out we almost got our ass kicked it was like something out of like the bowery point yeah so you were were you were holding the ladder i was supposed to hold the ladder and i i i didn't go to work with him and i told him i was gonna look for a job and i went to shoot pool i shot pool all day oh i got home and uh you know and uh my mom said uh

00:18:36Guest:He fell off a roof He put the ladder on top of a picnic table to get to the top of the roof and he went to swing a hammer and It fell he fell 30 feet on his head.

00:18:46Guest:Oh God became a quadriplegic had no insurance Nothing and we went broke.

00:18:51Guest:He was he lasted four and a half years before he died I think he offed himself through the help of crazy friends that he had but there was no autopsy, right?

00:19:00Guest:You felt guilty for that

00:19:02Guest:God, yeah, that I wasn't there to hold a ladder.

00:19:05Guest:I mean, for a long time.

00:19:05Guest:And I went through everything.

00:19:09Guest:And he would ask me to kill him every week.

00:19:13Guest:He's like, just fucking shoot me.

00:19:16Guest:Because he couldn't move from the neck down, and we had to feed him.

00:19:18Marc:Yeah.

00:19:20Marc:Every week you just said, I'm done.

00:19:21Guest:Yeah, I'm done.

00:19:22Guest:And I couldn't blame him.

00:19:23Guest:He was a very physical guy.

00:19:24Guest:He wasn't the guy who read a lot.

00:19:27Guest:He just liked moving around.

00:19:29Guest:Oh, what do you do with that?

00:19:30Guest:There's nothing to do, man.

00:19:31Guest:There's nothing.

00:19:32Guest:It's a living hell.

00:19:33Guest:He always said God was punishing him.

00:19:35Guest:I said, listen.

00:19:36Guest:For what?

00:19:36Guest:Well, he was an atheist, my father.

00:19:38Guest:My mother, big Catholic.

00:19:40Guest:My father would always say to me, there's nothing up there.

00:19:42Guest:Yeah.

00:19:44Guest:He goes, don't tell you what I told you, but there's nothing fucking up there.

00:19:48Guest:He would say to me, do all the shit, get the confirmation community, but there's nothing up there.

00:19:54Guest:But then when you're a quadriplegic for four years, he started to think maybe there is.

00:19:59Guest:Yeah, why not?

00:20:00Guest:And it's mad at him.

00:20:01Guest:Whatever it is.

00:20:04Guest:And if there is a heaven or hell, I hope God gave him his hell here.

00:20:08Guest:That was it.

00:20:09Guest:Right.

00:20:10Guest:Well, I mean, he hung on for four years.

00:20:12Guest:I mean, that's enough.

00:20:13Guest:Yeah.

00:20:13Guest:And I think he had these nutty friends from Newark who I think got into the house somehow and gave him something because he was just dead one morning.

00:20:21Marc:That's one of those situations where you think maybe the right to die the way you want is not a bad idea.

00:20:31Guest:If you saw him, you'd start to think, yeah, that makes a little sense.

00:20:35Marc:I love that he was so positive.

00:20:36Marc:There's nothing up there.

00:20:37Guest:That's exactly how you get it.

00:20:38Guest:There's nothing up there.

00:20:41Guest:I got word.

00:20:42Guest:Yeah, he knows.

00:20:44Guest:He's the one guy who figured it out.

00:20:47Guest:You know, and forget it.

00:20:49Guest:From there on in, it was everything, man.

00:20:51Guest:It was dope.

00:20:53Guest:It was gambling.

00:20:54Guest:Bad, bad gambling.

00:20:56Marc:With you?

00:20:56Marc:Yeah.

00:20:57Marc:Because you think that some of it was spurred on by the guilt and the pain of that?

00:21:02Marc:I'm sure there was some of that, but I mean- Sounds like you got it in your blood, though.

00:21:06Guest:If I was the son of a CEO for General Motors- You'd have more money.

00:21:11Guest:Yeah, I'd be dead.

00:21:13Guest:Yeah, exactly.

00:21:13Guest:you're already with a trust fund would not we wouldn't be having this conversation that's not pretty yeah but i got to the point at the port where i was i was living the lifestyle where i would i would borrow from a loan shark to pay a bookie and uh

00:21:28Marc:You know, if I didn't get out of there... Oh, my God.

00:21:31Marc:So, wait, did you ever get into a situation where you got roughed up and it was... My friend did, but I never got my ass kicked.

00:21:38Guest:But my buddy who used to go meet the bookie, there's this amazing... You talk about the hypocrisy of religion.

00:21:44Guest:There's this amazing story that I told on Stern once where these two kids that I grew up with, these two Italian kids, they figured out a loophole in gambling with this bookie we had.

00:21:55Guest:Yeah.

00:21:56Guest:they found out that there was one hockey game played in the afternoon on a Wednesday.

00:22:02Guest:The NHL would schedule one Wednesday afternoon game for some reason.

00:22:06Guest:And the latest we could get bets in was 7 p.m.

00:22:09Guest:So they said, I wonder if the book even knows...

00:22:12Guest:that the game was played earlier.

00:22:14Guest:So they tried putting in a bet on a game that already happened.

00:22:18Guest:The game happened at one.

00:22:19Guest:They put in a bet at seven on the team that won.

00:22:21Guest:And it worked for three weeks.

00:22:23Guest:The guy never realized that they were betting on a game that already happened.

00:22:26Guest:But they were dumb thieves.

00:22:27Guest:They were used to betting 50 bucks.

00:22:29Guest:All of a sudden, they're betting 80-time parlays.

00:22:32Guest:$1,000 on the fucking Canucks.

00:22:34Guest:What do you mean?

00:22:35Guest:Parlaying it with the over.

00:22:37Guest:And the guy figured it out.

00:22:39Guest:Right.

00:22:40Guest:And when he figured it out, my friend used to go meet the middleman for him at this McDonald's, said, listen, he's fucking livid.

00:22:48Guest:He's coming himself.

00:22:49Guest:His guy's name was Bobo.

00:22:51Guest:He just disappeared one day.

00:22:52Guest:We went to Staten Island.

00:22:54Guest:And he said, he's coming.

00:22:55Guest:So just get fucking ready and get ready to get yelled at.

00:22:59Guest:I don't know what he's going to do.

00:22:59Guest:He's probably not going to hit you, but you're not getting the money involved.

00:23:04Guest:So my buddy calls me up and says, you got to come with me.

00:23:07Guest:I can't do this.

00:23:08Guest:I said, all right, I'll go with you.

00:23:10Guest:And we go to the McDonald's and we see the guy sitting in the corner and he's got a wad of cash in his hand and he's eating like a quarter pounder with cheese.

00:23:18Guest:He was bald and he had tattoos.

00:23:20Guest:And we went in the back and we sat and he didn't look up at us.

00:23:24Guest:And the only time I was ever treated ruder was when I had a meeting with Lorne Michaels.

00:23:30Yeah.

00:23:31Guest:He was reading the Daily News, and he goes, this is what he said.

00:23:33Guest:He goes, you want a fry?

00:23:34Guest:And I went to reach for the fry, and I took a French fry.

00:23:39Guest:He goes, listen, he looked up at us, and he had the water cash.

00:23:41Guest:You can see this?

00:23:42Guest:You're not getting this fucking money.

00:23:43Guest:This is the money your fucking jerk-off friends want.

00:23:45Guest:You tell them if they ever fucking try to fuck with me again, I'll fine them.

00:23:49Guest:I'll rip their throat out.

00:23:50Guest:I'm going to kill their mothers.

00:23:51Guest:I'm going to kill their kids in front of them.

00:23:52Guest:I'm going to bury them fucking alive.

00:23:53Guest:I'm going to hit them with a bat in the face.

00:23:55Guest:Now, here's the greatest part of all time.

00:23:58Guest:It was Ash Wednesday.

00:23:59Guest:Yeah.

00:23:59Guest:I guess he had just gone to get ashes.

00:24:02Guest:He had an enormous cross, an enormous ash cross on his forehead.

00:24:09Guest:It was like the size of the cross Jesus took up the hill.

00:24:11Guest:And we both noticed it at the same time while he threatened to kill our friend's kids.

00:24:15Guest:And we got that thing like that school laughter.

00:24:18Guest:We had to put our head down.

00:24:19Guest:he might have thought we were crying and when we left there we just we sat on my friend's car and we just laughed for two hours and we thought of his wife like screaming at him go get ashes don't forget to get it all right i gotta go to jersey to threaten a kid i'll get right on that so the gambling started so early you couldn't i had a bookie when i was 17.

00:24:41Marc:Yeah.

00:24:42Marc:What is the compulsion of that?

00:24:43Marc:Because that's not a thing I have.

00:24:44Marc:Drugs I have.

00:24:45Marc:Good.

00:24:46Marc:The gambling thing, I just don't like to lose money.

00:24:50Guest:No, I know.

00:24:51Guest:My old man was the same way.

00:24:52Guest:He would strangle me because I lost good money.

00:24:54Guest:I don't know.

00:24:56Guest:It's about wanting to...

00:24:59Guest:It's about wanting to lose so bad.

00:25:01Guest:It's about wanting to just wallow in shit, I guess.

00:25:04Marc:No, but that is not, I mean, that's something you realize later.

00:25:07Marc:Yeah.

00:25:08Marc:But like in the moment.

00:25:09Guest:It's a high.

00:25:11Guest:It's action.

00:25:11Guest:Makes the game more interesting.

00:25:13Guest:I would say, you know, people would say to me, like my buddies who didn't have the, Norm MacDonald has this great line where he says, you know, they call gambling a disease, but it's the only disease where you could win a bunch of money.

00:25:23Yeah.

00:25:23Guest:Yeah, it was great.

00:25:28Guest:But the funny thing was if you won, the high went away.

00:25:32Guest:It's like you need another line of coke.

00:25:33Guest:If you win, the high lasts for 10 minutes.

00:25:35Guest:And okay, now how do I get that back?

00:25:36Guest:I got to make another bet.

00:25:37Marc:And eventually you lose.

00:25:39Marc:Oh, so that's it.

00:25:39Marc:So that's the buzz.

00:25:40Marc:Yeah.

00:25:41Marc:In that one part of your book where the first time you talk about having the bug to do it, you're watching a game you didn't even care about.

00:25:50Marc:Right.

00:25:50Marc:But if you bet on it, then you care about it, right?

00:25:53Marc:Yeah.

00:25:53Guest:I was just saying to my friends who didn't have the disease, they would go, I'm going home early.

00:25:57Guest:It's a shit game.

00:25:58Guest:It's like the Browns and the Rams.

00:26:00Guest:Yeah.

00:26:00Guest:And I'm like, well, you know.

00:26:02Guest:How much money do you have in your bank account?

00:26:05Guest:800 bucks.

00:26:05Guest:Put 1,200 on the fucking Browns.

00:26:07Marc:It'll be a good game then.

00:26:08Marc:It'll be like New Year's Eve at P. Diddy's house.

00:26:11Marc:But I have to assume that it charges up the game.

00:26:14Marc:It doesn't even matter what you're fucking watching.

00:26:15Marc:If you got a bunch of money on it, you're like, oh.

00:26:17Marc:It charges up the game.

00:26:18Guest:You're in it.

00:26:19Guest:It makes Virginia Tech against Ramapo on a Tuesday night the best fucking thing of all time.

00:26:25Guest:Did you ever see that movie, The Gambler, with James Caan?

00:26:27Guest:Written by James Toback.

00:26:28Marc:Yeah.

00:26:29Marc:I was trying to get him in here.

00:26:30Guest:What a character.

00:26:31Guest:Did you see him and Alec Baldwin trying to get money for a movie?

00:26:34Guest:Yeah, I saw that movie.

00:26:35Guest:Oh, God, is that brilliant.

00:26:36Guest:It's crazy.

00:26:37Guest:James Toback is such a character, man.

00:26:39Marc:Did you meet him?

00:26:40Marc:I would love to.

00:26:41Marc:You guys would be a disaster together.

00:26:43Marc:That's true, actually.

00:26:44Guest:Maybe I shouldn't.

00:26:46Guest:He gets the mentality.

00:26:47Guest:The end of the gambler, James Caan wins the bet.

00:26:50Guest:He gets the kid to throw the game.

00:26:53Guest:And now he fucks this kid's life because the mom's got their claws into that fucking kid and they're not going to let go.

00:26:57Guest:But he won the bet.

00:26:58Guest:He doesn't get his ass kicked.

00:27:00Guest:I love that he's a rich kid and he had to borrow money from his mother.

00:27:03Guest:And then he's like, what do I do now?

00:27:05Guest:So he goes into the fucking brothel and starts a fight with a bouncer and gets cut because he's got to have juice.

00:27:11Guest:He's got to have risk.

00:27:13Guest:It's all about risk.

00:27:14Marc:About his life, though.

00:27:15Marc:At the end, it's sort of like he doesn't die and he realizes he could have.

00:27:19Marc:And that was the juice.

00:27:20Guest:And now what?

00:27:21Guest:When he's watching that game and you could tell he's got the high in the fucking stands and he's sitting the paper on his knee.

00:27:28Guest:Wins.

00:27:30Guest:Now what?

00:27:30Guest:That's it.

00:27:31Guest:Last 10 minutes.

00:27:32Guest:Now what?

00:27:32Guest:Now I got to go to a brothel and try to fucking get killed, you know?

00:27:35Marc:Well, there's no end to it.

00:27:36Marc:It just reminds me of this story that there was this old road comic, John Fox.

00:27:40Marc:I don't know if you remember that.

00:27:41Marc:I know who he is.

00:27:41Marc:He's dead now.

00:27:42Marc:Yeah.

00:27:43Marc:But like one night we're all sitting around telling drug stories or whatever, you know, like, oh, we did an eight ball and blah, blah, blah.

00:27:48Marc:And then Fox, who's like this road dog, you know, just out of nowhere goes, you know what I hate?

00:27:51Marc:You know, when you're just, you know, sitting around the condo and you're jerking off to porn, you got a hairbrush up your ass and

00:27:57Marc:And he just crossed this line to where you're like, no, I don't know that one.

00:28:00Marc:The hairbrush is like, whoa.

00:28:01Marc:Yeah, right.

00:28:02Marc:But it speaks to that idea that eventually you're going to get a hairbrush.

00:28:06Marc:If you keep going any direction and you've got the disease.

00:28:11Marc:Exactly.

00:28:12Marc:You're going to end up alone with a hairbrush up your ass.

00:28:15Marc:Yep.

00:28:15Marc:In some version of that.

00:28:17Guest:Yeah.

00:28:18Guest:The ball is going to keep going down the hill and it's going to get bad.

00:28:21Guest:It's going to hit something.

00:28:22Marc:but like in retrospect though when you say that you liked you know feeling miserable like because i'm trying to deal with this shit now i mean i got 14 years sober it's amazing but now but i'm still dealing like well why why why when i get like now i just broke up with a girl so now i'm really alone yeah you know all i'm doing is the thing right you know and i'm like you know then all of a sudden all that shit comes back it's like i got no confidence yeah what do you what is it what is that i hate myself what do you what is that

00:28:46Marc:Right, right.

00:28:47Guest:Who the hell wired me that way?

00:28:49Guest:Did you figure it out?

00:28:50Guest:No.

00:28:51Guest:And women, listen, I have like about under a year now because I relapsed twice.

00:28:59Guest:Congratulations.

00:29:00Guest:Thank you.

00:29:01Guest:Thank you.

00:29:01Guest:uh i relapsed twice but um since i got out the last time from the nut house but uh uh i really think you know you think of every great artist and stuff it all goes back to women man that might be the that might be the key and that's something else my father used to say and that blue collar sort of charm he had he would go he would go you gotta you gotta get the right broad man he goes he would always say you gotta get the right broad it's all about the broads yeah and uh they'll kill you

00:29:28Guest:and uh you know i think it up all the time and and i i've gone through you know don't tell your mother yeah right and don't tell your mother um but i yeah it might that might be the key to it all is figuring that out like to try to find true happiness with a woman oh true happiness period yeah what the hell is that uh i don't know what it is people talk about joy i'm like that'd be interesting i'm willing to feel what would that what that feel like so

00:29:53Guest:Some people walk down the street in Manhattan like in Hell's Kitchen walking a huge dog.

00:29:57Guest:They probably got a little apartment.

00:29:58Guest:I'm like, what's that apartment smell like?

00:30:00Guest:That's all I think about.

00:30:01Guest:And they're smiling and they're talking on their cell phone.

00:30:02Guest:I feel like stopping them going, what the fuck are you so happy about?

00:30:05Guest:Please tell me.

00:30:06Guest:Please tell me.

00:30:07Guest:Because it looks like if I were you, I would be jumping off a cliff.

00:30:11Guest:Just write it down for me.

00:30:12Guest:something i can read every day that make me do that right like what are you on to man is there something going on there's a drug i don't know about you know what so the gambling started when you were 17 what were the drugs starting uh right around the same time you know weed and stuff and then uh every once in a while guys would have coke um

00:30:31Guest:Yeah, we start when we're teenagers.

00:30:33Guest:Yeah, first time I tried that, I was about 19.

00:30:35Guest:Yeah, how was that for you?

00:30:37Guest:Oh, my God, man.

00:30:38Guest:Again, you think you found the secret of the universe.

00:30:42Guest:Right.

00:30:43Guest:And you think you could handle it forever.

00:30:45Guest:And oh, my God, I started chasing that.

00:30:49Marc:you know that you know that is just crazy when you really look at if you really look at that that stuff where you're like those nights where you know you got the first hour in right right holy fuck yeah and then you know within nine hours you're like you know i don't even know that guy exactly he's in my house

00:31:06Guest:Yeah, yeah.

00:31:09Guest:I'll never forget this.

00:31:10Guest:One time this good-looking chick that my buddy was kind of dating said she could get Coke.

00:31:15Guest:And so we go to her house, and the guy I was supposed to bring over was the guy she said I used to date.

00:31:19Guest:And she said, but when he gets here, don't look at him.

00:31:22Guest:And we said, what do you mean?

00:31:25Guest:We said, why?

00:31:26Guest:She said, because he's really, really ugly.

00:31:29Guest:And I said, so, you know, she said, he doesn't like people looking at him.

00:31:33Guest:I said, what are we supposed to do?

00:31:34Guest:Let me not look at him.

00:31:36Guest:Just let me handle it.

00:31:37Guest:And he was like, you know.

00:31:39Marc:What does that even mean?

00:31:41Guest:I mean, listen.

00:31:42Guest:It's a hell of a setup.

00:31:43Guest:I looked at me and I said, you know, this guy's not exactly a young Bob Reffer, but, you know, I don't think he's that bad.

00:31:49Guest:And, you know, of course, then there's a big argument in the other room and you think, you know, and then there's no Coke.

00:31:56Yeah.

00:31:56Guest:And you sit there going, should we go?

00:31:58Guest:Yeah.

00:31:59Guest:A guy in rehab said a profound thing about coke once to me.

00:32:03Guest:He said, the best part about coke is going to get it.

00:32:06Guest:Yeah.

00:32:06Guest:Like, you know, I remember when I started doing the road, like you're in Cincinnati and someone says they can get it.

00:32:10Guest:And you go, wow, you just get in the car.

00:32:11Guest:And you're like, wow, I'm going to get coke.

00:32:12Guest:I'm going to get coke.

00:32:13Guest:And then you get it.

00:32:14Guest:And then running out of it is, you know, you're suicidal.

00:32:17Marc:Yeah, but there's a truth to it because you're like, all right, well, you know a guy?

00:32:21Marc:Yeah, we got to go this place.

00:32:22Marc:All right, so we're going to go?

00:32:23Marc:Yeah, right after.

00:32:24Marc:And you're like, all right, we going?

00:32:25Marc:Yeah.

00:32:25Marc:And then you're driving.

00:32:26Marc:It's like, how far away is it?

00:32:27Marc:We're almost there.

00:32:28Marc:You're like, what the fuck is this?

00:32:29Marc:So now it's like one in the morning.

00:32:30Marc:It's like, let me just go in.

00:32:31Marc:And you're in a car, and it's like, where the fuck is this guy?

00:32:34Marc:And then he comes out, and he's like, we just got to go this other place.

00:32:36Guest:Yeah, it's always a fucking rigmarole, man.

00:32:39Guest:You know?

00:32:41Guest:Yeah.

00:32:41Guest:I remember that slogan, hugs are better than drugs.

00:32:44Guest:Do you remember that?

00:32:44Guest:Like bumper stickers.

00:32:45Guest:I remember when I first thought of that, I was like, geez, I don't know if that's true.

00:32:50Guest:I never went to the Bronx to get somebody to hug me.

00:32:54Guest:You will put yourself in the worst situations.

00:32:57Guest:Yeah.

00:32:58Guest:That's why it's a true addiction.

00:32:59Guest:Right.

00:33:01Marc:Well, yeah, because you want this thing, and then all of a sudden you realize I have a room full of pirates.

00:33:06Marc:Yeah.

00:33:07Marc:And some of my shit's gone.

00:33:09Marc:Every time you enter that world, every time you need to do drugs, you exponentially sort of grow your ability to get killed in a stupid way.

00:33:17Marc:Right.

00:33:18Marc:Absolutely.

00:33:18Marc:Yeah, 10 times.

00:33:19Guest:Yeah.

00:33:19Guest:No, I had kids that went to high school that got killed in bad drug deals.

00:33:23Guest:And there's all these examples.

00:33:24Guest:Now, our generation, by the time we got older, Belushi had gone.

00:33:28Guest:You read the stories about Keith Richards, Joplin, Hendrix.

00:33:33Guest:Everybody was gone already.

00:33:34Guest:So we had actual examples of this shit that were right in our face.

00:33:38Guest:Heroes of ours were dead.

00:33:40Guest:That was all my heroes.

00:33:40Marc:All drugs.

00:33:41Guest:Yeah, every one of them.

00:33:44Guest:It's so funny.

00:33:45Guest:Every time a celebrity dies, like the guy from The Monkees just died, I think that's one other motherfucker Keith Richards outlived.

00:33:53Guest:Yeah, David Jones.

00:33:54Guest:Yeah, they're right.

00:33:56Guest:In 1974, those two together, who's making it?

00:33:59Guest:He's still around.

00:34:00Guest:You just picture Keith marking numbers on a wall and putting a slash through five bars.

00:34:04Guest:That's five, that's ten.

00:34:05Guest:Did you read Exile on Main Street, A Season in Hell with the Stones?

00:34:09Guest:No, I read his autobiography.

00:34:11Guest:That I read.

00:34:12Guest:It's great.

00:34:14Guest:The amazing producer who did Exile and Beggar's Banquet, and I think Let It Bleed, Jimmy Miller, he got him addicted to heroin.

00:34:24Guest:The book's basically about how he's like this infection, and everyone around him gets addicted to heroin.

00:34:28Guest:They die.

00:34:29Guest:He keeps going.

00:34:30Guest:That's his job.

00:34:33Marc:Right.

00:34:33Guest:Right.

00:34:33Guest:basically so in 94 the stones are playing like giant stadium and jimmy miller died from liver failure and a friend of the band goes back and tells keith and mick you know jimmy died and his liver went and uh you know it seems kind of cold but richards were like you know better him than fucking me man he goes there's a museum in london waiting to fucking show my liver you know just really like just rock and roll to the end yeah yeah yeah and then he takes a picture with a kid and uh and his father and he leaves and he goes you see that that's 250 grand right there

00:35:02Guest:That's how we reacted to Jimmy Miller time.

00:35:06Marc:Well, you know, but you got a bigger heart than that.

00:35:08Marc:Yeah, yeah.

00:35:09Marc:So you do Mad TV.

00:35:10Marc:Right.

00:35:11Marc:And that was the first wall.

00:35:12Guest:Yeah, I came out here.

00:35:14Guest:So now I'm making 10 grand a week instead of 10 grand a year.

00:35:17Guest:Did you...

00:35:18Marc:Okay, so you're just off Longshoreman.

00:35:20Marc:You hadn't done that much stand-up, though, right?

00:35:22Guest:I was driving a cab for the three years I struggled in Manhattan, and then I got the part on Man TV.

00:35:27Guest:What clubs were you really working at, though?

00:35:29Guest:Did you have an act, did you think?

00:35:30Marc:Yeah.

00:35:30Guest:Oh, yeah.

00:35:31Guest:I thought, yeah.

00:35:32Guest:The first club I was a regular at was The Strip.

00:35:35Guest:Yeah.

00:35:35Guest:And then Stand Up New York.

00:35:36Guest:Lucian Holt.

00:35:37Marc:Yeah.

00:35:37Guest:Very funny.

00:35:39Guest:Yeah, he told me.

00:35:40Guest:It took me a year and a half to pass there, man.

00:35:43Marc:He told me, he said, I already have enough angry white guys.

00:35:45Guest:No, he told me, he goes, I have an Italian guy from Brooklyn.

00:35:49Guest:I've got one.

00:35:50Guest:Yeah, that's exactly what he said.

00:35:51Marc:Who was it?

00:35:52Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:35:53Guest:Who was it?

00:35:53Guest:Do you know who it was?

00:35:54Guest:Oh, yeah.

00:35:56Guest:Rob McNulty.

00:35:57Guest:Yes!

00:35:58Guest:Yes, it was!

00:35:58Guest:It was Rob McNulty?

00:36:01Guest:and uh yeah it took me yeah and then he finally he was starting to give me tuesday nights at 11. you know i did a couple of sets for two people yeah oh yeah i got i got bumped by ellen claghorn a bunch of times yeah she was uh a tank i mean she was not bad but she was a lot to reckon with i was afraid of her exactly yeah uh

00:36:22Guest:The greatest thing about that time, in 93, I really started getting spots there, and I got bumped by Rock a couple of times, and I sat in the back, and he was just starting to figure out that Bring the Pain thing, and that was great to see.

00:36:35Marc:His transformation from kind of a weird public failure into a great comedian.

00:36:41Guest:Yeah, into the genius that he became, and that first special, and I got to watch him sort of work that out.

00:36:48Guest:That was great.

00:36:49Guest:I learned a lot watching that about

00:36:51Marc:Well, he's interesting, Rock, because he turns the juice off when he's trying shit out.

00:36:55Marc:Yeah.

00:36:56Guest:Where it's like he's not doing his like... I see him at the cellar do sets, and he's real low-key kills, but he's really low-key.

00:37:04Marc:He's like just checking the integrity of the joke.

00:37:08Guest:He's one of those guys who could do that.

00:37:10Marc:Yeah, yeah.

00:37:11Marc:It's interesting to do that, especially when people expect something other than that from you.

00:37:15Marc:Now, did you have to get high to get on?

00:37:17Guest:In the beginning, you know, I would have a yeah I used to drink to get on yeah, and but then I went through a period where no I was I got confident enough to where you know I Would kill for 20 minutes, but then I would get all set and I would I would see guys I would think of guys like you were a teller different guys and I would say I

00:37:37Guest:You know, I'm a hack.

00:37:39Guest:You know, I went through a really bad time where I was, and I think I was when I think back of the jokes.

00:37:43Guest:But, you know, I was just so fucking happy to be on stage.

00:37:47Guest:I was so happy I wasn't loading a fucking truck.

00:37:49Guest:I said, well, you know, maybe I'll beat a hack for 20.

00:37:51Marc:I don't give a shit.

00:37:52Guest:I'm not going in the truck.

00:37:53Guest:Right, yeah, I'm not going in the goddamn truck.

00:37:55Guest:And then I met David Spade, and we did a movie together.

00:38:02Guest:I remember he enlightened me about this.

00:38:05Guest:He goes, I don't give a shit if everybody at Largo thinks I'm a sellout.

00:38:09Guest:I'm in this for pussy and money.

00:38:12Guest:You know, there's all different perspectives.

00:38:15Guest:The thing about that I learned is you meet a lot of wise people who are wise in different areas.

00:38:20Guest:Yeah.

00:38:20Guest:And I think if you take you try to figure out where the person's not an asshole and where he's smart.

00:38:27Guest:Some guys are all asshole.

00:38:29Guest:But you try to figure out the guys that have the one smart section that they know about and try to feed off all those different smart things and try to live that way.

00:38:38Marc:Well, I think what that is, like a friend of mine once said to me, like, you know, the difference between a child and a grown-up is you realize your limitations.

00:38:44Marc:Yes.

00:38:45Marc:Right, exactly.

00:38:46Marc:Like, I never got that.

00:38:47Marc:Like, I never even knew why I was doing anything.

00:38:50Marc:You know, I don't think it was for pussy.

00:38:51Marc:I don't think it was for money.

00:38:52Marc:I think it was because, like, you know, just to declare that I'm here.

00:38:55Marc:Right, yeah.

00:38:56Marc:Exactly.

00:38:57Marc:Reckon with me.

00:38:58Guest:Right, absolutely.

00:38:59Guest:And what better way to sort of...

00:39:01Guest:give shit to every asshole you hate from high school is show business sure get on stage and just fucking dump it out right and then you know well how old were you when you got mad tv 27 all right so you already you know you were around a bit yeah you had a life 27 but i went out to la with a bad coke problem i i when i when i was struggling in uh what were we what are we talking an eight ball a night easy easy

00:39:25Guest:Oh, yeah.

00:39:27Guest:Cab money I was making.

00:39:30Guest:I started doing some road gigs, some colleges.

00:39:32Guest:Everything went to that.

00:39:34Guest:And then getting shit from the audience and stuff like that.

00:39:39Guest:Did you ever go downtown to the Lower East Side?

00:39:41Guest:Oh, yeah.

00:39:42Guest:Did you ever go to Jimmy's?

00:39:43Guest:yeah i used to go to i used to go to blondies i used to go to all these after hours clubs um uh that were really really fucking scary man some of them but there was a guy i used to buy from we don't have to mention his last name he's on the lower east side he's a bald guy lived in an apartment and it was cluttered with stuff like my garage here his name was hammerhead did you ever go to hammerhead i don't know i don't think so no no

00:40:07Marc:That was great.

00:40:09Marc:It was just you'd go up there and he'd put shit out and he'd spend like eight hours there watching people come in and out.

00:40:14Guest:You find that some of these dealers, you think you have this romantic notion of them or how tough they are.

00:40:20Guest:Some of them are just lonely.

00:40:21Guest:Oh, yeah.

00:40:22Guest:Like, let's hang out.

00:40:23Guest:I'll do a couple of lines or whatever.

00:40:25Guest:Talk to me.

00:40:25Marc:Oh, my God.

00:40:26Marc:When I was in college, that's when I really started doing blow a lot.

00:40:30Marc:Yeah.

00:40:30Marc:And I knew the guys.

00:40:32Marc:Usually, you're buying from guys who were in college.

00:40:34Marc:It's all over Boston, too, right?

00:40:35Marc:Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:40:37Guest:It really is easy to get coke in Boston.

00:40:39Marc:Oh, yeah.

00:40:39Marc:And I knew the guy who had it, so I'd go get a suitcase of Bud.

00:40:43Marc:Right.

00:40:43Marc:And I'd be like, I'm in for the night.

00:40:45Marc:I'm going to go over to his house and bring the Budweiser.

00:40:48Marc:I'll pay for like a half a gram.

00:40:49Marc:The greatest thing.

00:40:50Guest:And then I'll sit around all night.

00:40:51Guest:Yeah, yeah.

00:40:52Guest:And again, you think you've figured out life.

00:40:54Guest:Yeah.

00:40:54Guest:It's like, how come everybody isn't doing this?

00:40:59Marc:I'm the asshole.

00:41:00Marc:I'm the asshole.

00:41:02Marc:I'm the asshole.

00:41:03Marc:It's four in the morning.

00:41:04Marc:I'm up, and I'm thinking I'm going to die, but it was a good night.

00:41:06Marc:Exactly.

00:41:07Marc:Oh, that's where you really feel it.

00:41:08Marc:All right, so you go out to LA.

00:41:09Guest:I go out to LA, and the first time I'm ever in Los Angeles is a screen test for MADtv.

00:41:14Guest:I never came out here just to check out the lay of the land.

00:41:16Guest:I knew nobody.

00:41:17Guest:I didn't know how to get from Highland to over the hill.

00:41:20Guest:I don't know nothing.

00:41:21Guest:Yeah.

00:41:22Guest:So they put me in the Oakwood Apartments in North Hollywood.

00:41:24Guest:Yeah.

00:41:25Guest:And my dealer in New York knew a guy here.

00:41:29Guest:Sure.

00:41:29Guest:And he said, call my guy.

00:41:31Guest:Right, exactly.

00:41:33Guest:And I started making $10,000 a week, you know?

00:41:37Guest:And I would literally, my agent was William Marsh at the time, and I would get the check before they, I would go to the accounting department, which was on the same lot.

00:41:45Guest:We were shooting the show, and I said, no, no, give me the check.

00:41:47Guest:No, that's a mistake.

00:41:48Guest:I'll send them the commission.

00:41:49Guest:Yeah.

00:41:49Guest:and i would cash it i would western union my mother four grand yeah i go that's yours and then i would take like six g's and i would walk around la like i was jack nicholson you know and i sent your mom four grand every week every week and you did that yeah that never stopped uh

00:42:05Guest:A couple weeks I missed, but most of the time I sent their money, sure.

00:42:08Guest:I started paying her bills.

00:42:10Guest:But see, that's a testament to that on some level, no matter how dark you got.

00:42:15Guest:Right, exactly.

00:42:16Guest:That was in place.

00:42:17Guest:I had to do it.

00:42:17Guest:Well, my old man took about a boulder of guilt.

00:42:20Guest:Basically on his deathbed, my father said, take care of your mother.

00:42:23Guest:I'm like, is that what you fucking got for me, man?

00:42:25Guest:You're not even leaving me.

00:42:26Guest:He had no will because there was nothing.

00:42:28Guest:I don't want to say you're a failure, but I don't want to give you shit that you're about to go here.

00:42:32Guest:But you're not leaving me with a piece of sheetrock.

00:42:35Guest:That's what you got for me?

00:42:37Guest:You're about to go.

00:42:38Guest:You take care of your mom.

00:42:39Guest:Okay, fine.

00:42:40Guest:Anything else you want me to do?

00:42:43Guest:Want me to fix the bathroom while I'm at it?

00:42:47Guest:So, you know, that's what I try to do.

00:42:49Guest:But my mother, you know, took care of me in other ways.

00:42:51Guest:Yeah.

00:42:52Guest:In every way.

00:42:53Guest:She's still around?

00:42:53Guest:Yeah, 71, still kicking.

00:42:57Guest:It's funny, I bought her a house and then after I tried to commit suicide, I got out of the nut house and I went back to her house and she was like, I thought when you bought me this you weren't going to be here anyway.

00:43:10Guest:But she wanted me to stay, so I lived in this bedroom above the garage for like a year.

00:43:15Guest:You got nowhere else to go, and you're out of the nut house, and you got to go live with her.

00:43:18Guest:Well, I had a place, and it was her decision, too, because she didn't want me out of her sight.

00:43:23Marc:She didn't want you out of her sight.

00:43:27Marc:Right.

00:43:27Marc:Yeah, she wanted me to hang out.

00:43:29Guest:Yeah, so I stayed there for...

00:43:31Guest:Mark, I was in bed for like a year in a dark room trying to figure out, okay, how do I get out of this hole?

00:43:38Marc:This is after.

00:43:39Guest:This is after I stabbed myself nine times.

00:43:41Guest:I slipped my wrist.

00:43:42Guest:I drank bleach.

00:43:44Guest:You definitely tried.

00:43:45Guest:Yeah, yeah.

00:43:46Guest:It wasn't half-assed.

00:43:48Guest:No one's going to criticize you for the effort.

00:43:50Guest:You know, it's funny.

00:43:50Guest:I thought to myself, what if I just check into the Four Seasons on the high floor and just jump out the window?

00:43:55Guest:And I swear to God, this went through my mind.

00:43:57Guest:And again, it shows how you think.

00:44:00Guest:I said, what if I fall on somebody?

00:44:02Guest:That's all I thought about.

00:44:04Guest:I said, imagine that motherfucker.

00:44:05Guest:I felt so bad for that guy in my head that I fell on.

00:44:08Guest:And I imagine his mother on Dr. Phil or something.

00:44:12Guest:Her crying and underneath her it says, Artie Lang fell on her son.

00:44:19Guest:And in my life, he'd break my fall, I'd live.

00:44:22Guest:Yeah, and be with your father.

00:44:23Guest:Yeah, and I'd be a quadriplegic, you know.

00:44:27Guest:Sometimes, and I went through this other thing where I really got crazy when I was in the nuthouse and it was just terrible and filthy and everything.

00:44:34Guest:I said, maybe I did die and I'm in hell.

00:44:36Guest:That would make sense.

00:44:37Marc:So your brain, was that gone that you weren't clear sometimes?

00:44:39Marc:It's delusional.

00:44:40Marc:wow yeah well i i want to get i want to get i want to move up to that that point so all right so but let's go back to la so you got you're getting 10 000 a week right so i start doing coke like a mad man and uh running around like jack nicholson yeah but i made it i made it to work every day i was doing my job remember my lines everything uh literally remembered my lines and i uh

00:45:03Guest:One day I had like seven sketches I had to be in.

00:45:07Guest:They used to give you videotapes of people you had to do impressions of.

00:45:11Guest:Yeah.

00:45:12Guest:And I'll never forget this.

00:45:13Guest:We did this awful like... It was like we did these film parodies like in Mad Magazine.

00:45:19Guest:Yeah.

00:45:20Guest:So they wrote a sketch called Casino Man.

00:45:21Guest:That was the movie Casino and Casino Man.

00:45:23Guest:Yeah.

00:45:24Guest:Now I had to play Joe Pesci.

00:45:25Guest:Yeah.

00:45:25Guest:And my buddy Dave Herman had to play...

00:45:29Guest:He had to play Pauly Shore.

00:45:30Guest:Pauly Shore, yeah.

00:45:31Guest:So they give him Pauly Shore's stand-up on a Walkman.

00:45:33Guest:He's got to walk around the lot listening.

00:45:35Guest:He quit every two seconds.

00:45:37Guest:And I had to listen to Pesci to do Pesci.

00:45:40Guest:And I hated the way I was doing it.

00:45:41Guest:I said, this is going to suck.

00:45:42Guest:And I stayed in my apartment at the Oakwoods.

00:45:45Guest:And I got all this coke.

00:45:47Guest:And when I ran out of it, I ran out of it Monday morning at about 3 o'clock.

00:45:50Guest:And I had to be at work at 7 for this network read-through that I wasn't ready for.

00:45:54Guest:And I was in a huge panic.

00:45:57Guest:And I wrote a suicide note.

00:45:58Guest:I wrote a note to my mother and sister.

00:46:00Guest:And I said something like, Mom, it stays.

00:46:02Guest:I'm sorry.

00:46:02Guest:I can't do this anymore.

00:46:03Guest:Do me a favor and keep on living.

00:46:05Guest:I'll see you down the road maybe.

00:46:07Guest:And I signed my name.

00:46:09Guest:I took like 20 pills, sleeping pills that I had, prescription like 10 exedrin PM and a whole bottle of whiskey.

00:46:16Guest:And my arm started to shake.

00:46:18Guest:I fell asleep.

00:46:19Guest:I was never late for work, thank God.

00:46:21Guest:And the assistant director came and got me.

00:46:23Guest:And when I was late, they broke into my place and they found me and sent me to St.

00:46:27Guest:Joe's in Burbank.

00:46:28Guest:And I woke up in St.

00:46:29Guest:Joe's.

00:46:30Guest:So that was the first suicide attempt.

00:46:32Guest:Yes.

00:46:32Guest:That's when I was 28.

00:46:33Guest:I just turned 28.

00:46:35Guest:And I went away to, again, a nuthouse for a few days at Cedar Sinai.

00:46:41Guest:And then Quincy Jones produced me at TV.

00:46:44Guest:Yeah.

00:46:45Guest:Yeah.

00:46:45Guest:I had seven conversations with the guy in the two years I was there.

00:46:47Guest:They're the seven greatest conversations I've ever had in my fucking life.

00:46:50Guest:Really?

00:46:51Guest:Yeah.

00:46:51Guest:He's unbelievable.

00:46:54Guest:One time, after this happened, he came up to me and he goes, listen, man.

00:46:59Guest:He goes, you a funny cat.

00:47:00Guest:He goes, these motherfuckers get fucked up with this shit.

00:47:02Guest:I can do it.

00:47:03Guest:I'm all right.

00:47:03Guest:But he goes, Billy Eckstine, Miles Davis, they were all fucked up.

00:47:06Guest:And this is the most surreal thing.

00:47:09Guest:He's comparing me to Miles Davis.

00:47:11Guest:I was loading a truck two years ago.

00:47:13Guest:And he goes, but you go back, you get better.

00:47:16Guest:And when you come back, you got a job here.

00:47:18Guest:Don't let anybody tell you different.

00:47:18Guest:You got a job.

00:47:19Guest:You call him.

00:47:20Guest:And he was true to his word.

00:47:21Guest:I wrote my book.

00:47:22Guest:I go, I know why people thank that motherfucker at award shows.

00:47:26Guest:I went back.

00:47:26Guest:He gave me the time.

00:47:27Guest:I came back.

00:47:27Guest:He gave me my job right back.

00:47:29Guest:But I had to go.

00:47:30Guest:I went for three months away.

00:47:31Guest:And then I went back to LA.

00:47:32Guest:And

00:47:33Guest:I was clean for 10 months, and I never did better work in my life.

00:47:37Guest:The sketches, I was writing sketches that I thought were good.

00:47:40Guest:I was on every week, like four sketches a week.

00:47:45Guest:Shit, I was creating a character that became like a thing.

00:47:48Guest:And then at one after party, man, 10 months, I was a few weeks away from a year.

00:47:53Guest:Were you doing the thing, though?

00:47:55Guest:No.

00:47:55Guest:No, I wasn't working it, no.

00:47:57Guest:And I was just on my own.

00:48:00Guest:They had after parties after every taping on a Friday night.

00:48:03Guest:So I go, and I'm looking around.

00:48:04Guest:Everybody's drinking.

00:48:05Guest:And I said, I'm going to get a Jack and Coke.

00:48:07Guest:People think I'll just have a Coke.

00:48:09Guest:Right.

00:48:11Guest:And...

00:48:12Guest:I took a sip of Jack and Coke.

00:48:14Guest:Three weeks later, I was in jail for possession of cocaine.

00:48:18Guest:I went on a run, and I went to Vegas.

00:48:21Guest:I lost all this money, and I was in jail for possession of cocaine.

00:48:23Guest:I did a week in L.A.

00:48:24Guest:County for cocaine possession, and that was an eye-opener.

00:48:28Guest:Well, thank God.

00:48:33Guest:I was on a TV show, which meant I was a celebrity, but it was mad TV, so the guards had a two-hour conversation whether or not I was a celebrity.

00:48:40Yeah.

00:48:40Guest:But that meant I got a red wristband which means you to one of three things your snitch a murderer or your celebrity of some kind.

00:48:46Guest:That's the red Yeah, and and that I got my own cell uh-huh and The guy next to me this black guy was doing night.

00:48:55Guest:It was nine years in there Yeah, waiting a trial for murder and he he taught me how to fuck a roll of toilet paper and

00:49:02Guest:And he said it was 10 times better than any bitch I've had.

00:49:06Guest:Take the cardboard out, moisten it, and just fucking, you will never go back to a bitch, ever.

00:49:10Guest:It doesn't cost nothing.

00:49:11Guest:It don't say nothing.

00:49:13Guest:but i showered there like i know well three times i took a shower uh like i mean i was never more happy to be fat and ugly in my life but uh you know no one ever came on to me nothing like that but it was i don't know how people don't say that's a deterrent man a week in la county i was starting to climb the walls i don't know how nine years i can't come on man

00:49:34Marc:Okay, so you hit this wall again and you're in jail.

00:49:38Marc:Then what does Quincy Jones say?

00:49:40Guest:Quincy Jones says, maybe this ain't working out.

00:49:46Guest:He goes, I think you can be okay, man, but you really got to get this together.

00:49:52Guest:Frank Sinatra was still alive while I was there.

00:49:57Guest:My Italian answer would always say, have you talked to Quincy Jones?

00:49:58Guest:Answer him about Frank Sinatra.

00:49:59Guest:We don't hear from him anymore.

00:50:01Guest:So we were at this luncheon that they invited us to.

00:50:03Guest:I'm sitting right across from Quincy.

00:50:05Guest:And I'm like, fuck it, I'm going to ask him.

00:50:07Guest:He was eating a salad.

00:50:08Guest:And there were all these women there who were publicists and agents, happy to be sitting with Quincy Jones.

00:50:11Guest:Quincy ever here talk to Frank Sinatra anymore, and he puts his fork down And he looks up at me and real loud it was so all these women goes man that motherfuckers got it in the head He goes he can't remember shit from yesterday, but he knows shit.

00:50:26Guest:We did with Gregory Peck in 1958 Yeah, and then I'm okay, and then he puts it for that he goes because I told him your bitch is too old and

00:50:33Guest:I said, what?

00:50:34Guest:And all these women are trying to ignore her because it's Quincy Jones.

00:50:36Guest:Oh, the salad.

00:50:37Guest:I told him, when a woman hits 31, you got to kick them out.

00:50:40Guest:They'll give you worms.

00:50:41Guest:I said, Lionel Hampton.

00:50:43Guest:He's 88.

00:50:43Guest:He's still torn.

00:50:44Guest:That's young pussy.

00:50:46Guest:He goes, you need young pussy.

00:50:47Guest:He goes, I'm 63.

00:50:49Guest:You imagine me waking up next to a 63-year-old bitch.

00:50:52Guest:He goes, I couldn't do that.

00:50:53Guest:Come on, man.

00:50:53Guest:I tell these 24-year-old boys, I'll give you five minutes.

00:50:56Guest:Then you get out of here.

00:50:57Guest:He goes, that's what keeps you young.

00:50:58Guest:I told Sinatra that.

00:50:59Guest:He don't fucking listen.

00:51:01Guest:That was the conversation.

00:51:02Guest:Did you tell that to your family?

00:51:05Guest:When your mother asked?

00:51:07Guest:No, but I wish my father was still alive to tell him because he would have probably won.

00:51:09Guest:He's right.

00:51:12Marc:That'd be great if your aunt says, what, did you ask him about Frank Sinatra?

00:51:16Marc:Yeah, I got a story for you.

00:51:17Marc:Oh, that's true.

00:51:18Marc:I forgot about that one.

00:51:19Guest:Well, I did.

00:51:19Guest:I said, yeah, he said he's not doing great.

00:51:25Guest:Oh, really?

00:51:27Guest:Yeah.

00:51:27Guest:That's great.

00:51:28Guest:Yeah.

00:51:28Guest:So that was amazing.

00:51:30Guest:But I got out of jail and I went back.

00:51:32Guest:And again, that was- To New York.

00:51:35Guest:Right.

00:51:35Guest:Or Jersey.

00:51:36Guest:Jersey.

00:51:37Guest:And I go away for three months.

00:51:38Guest:I come out.

00:51:38Guest:I'm clean.

00:51:39Guest:Now I go back to New York, start doing stand-up again.

00:51:42Guest:So this is- I think I kind of remember this.

00:51:44Marc:97.

00:51:45Marc:Right.

00:51:45Marc:So yeah, because I was still there.

00:51:47Marc:You're still out there.

00:51:48Guest:yeah yeah and i think you know there's all these different phases with you where it's sort of like you already's back well i started exactly right i started going to luna lounge uh when i was on ludlow's right you were uh you were late one day a plane was late and i hosted one night right yeah yeah ken you remember ken trush yeah peter prince of power so uh they said you know marin is late his plane is late do you want to host so i hosted one night and

00:52:11Guest:I did, you know, a couple of sets there and everything.

00:52:13Guest:And it sort of let, you know, yeah, he's back, blah, blah, blah.

00:52:16Guest:And I was about to go back out to L.A.

00:52:21Guest:to start to get some shit done.

00:52:22Guest:And I got a call from a guy at MGM and said, Norm MacDonald's doing a movie.

00:52:26Guest:And he had seen me on MADtv.

00:52:29Guest:And it's a buddy comedy for MGM.

00:52:32Guest:And Norm was the biggest thing on SNL at the time.

00:52:35Guest:Same producer does, you know, Sandler movies and shit and a successful guy.

00:52:39Guest:And it's the second lead of a buddy comedy.

00:52:41Guest:Will you audition for it?

00:52:42Guest:I'm like, oh my God.

00:52:43Guest:And I love Norm.

00:52:44Guest:So I auditioned in New York.

00:52:46Guest:I flew out to Santa Monica and I did a screen test with Norm and I got the job.

00:52:50Guest:And I'm in my hotel in Santa Monica.

00:52:51Guest:They put me, I'm fucking back here.

00:52:53Guest:It's actually better.

00:52:55Guest:Like it's like I did two years on MTV.

00:52:56Guest:Everybody on MTV wants to get out to do movies.

00:52:57Guest:I'm in a movie.

00:52:58Guest:Like I'm in a movie.

00:53:00Guest:Don Rickles was in it.

00:53:02Guest:The first scene I shot was Rickles.

00:53:04Guest:It was amazing.

00:53:05Guest:And you know, Chevy Chase, Chris Farley was Farley's last movie.

00:53:09Guest:Which, you know, again, that was another adventure.

00:53:11Marc:Did you hang out with him?

00:53:12Guest:Yeah, yeah, in Toronto where we shot it.

00:53:16Guest:He was the most fun I ever experienced in my life to be around.

00:53:19Guest:But you know it was just a matter of time, man.

00:53:21Guest:Like even I was going, someone's got a... Brillstein Gray hired some guy to watch him.

00:53:26Guest:Oh, those guys are always the worst.

00:53:27Guest:You know, bullshit guy.

00:53:28Guest:You could literally show the guy something shiny in the form.

00:53:32Marc:Yeah, you'd lose him in the hallway.

00:53:33Guest:Right, and Farley's running around like whores were going in and out of his trailer.

00:53:37Guest:But he was so funny, man.

00:53:39Guest:I heard a story about him.

00:53:42Marc:This guy tells me this story, a Chicago guy about Farley.

00:53:45Marc:I think before he left Chicago, he said one time they were doing mushrooms and they were back at an apartment or something and they were just fucked up.

00:53:56Marc:And they'd done some mushrooms and they'd eaten all this shit.

00:53:59Marc:And I guess Farley was just sitting there and just sort of threw up on himself.

00:54:02Marc:Just sitting in a chair.

00:54:04Marc:Just threw up on himself and looked at this guy and said, I guess I'm full.

00:54:08LAUGHTER

00:54:09Guest:some of that shit I heard stories when he would do improv yeah like it would be his turn in some improv game and he'd go up there and go I got nothing but you know he really was and you look at some of those sketches that motivational speaker guy to Chris Farley just this brilliant guy and he's real funny in the movie I had scenes with him the last scene he ever did I'm him yeah

00:54:33Guest:He died two months later.

00:54:36Guest:But do those things resonate with you when you're where you are?

00:54:39Guest:It should.

00:54:40Guest:Listen, you talk about being rewarded for bad behavior.

00:54:44Guest:I got out of the Mad TV deal, which is a five-year deal.

00:54:46Guest:I did two years on a sketch show, and you're like, fine, I got this great reel out of it.

00:54:49Guest:I was there long enough to have this reel with doing shit.

00:54:51Guest:Yeah.

00:54:52Guest:I get an MGM movie.

00:54:54Guest:People hear that.

00:54:55Guest:So NBC sitcoms start calling, do you want to be this guy on whatever?

00:54:59Guest:And I can't because I'm shooting a movie.

00:55:00Guest:When you tell a network that, they're just bitches.

00:55:02Guest:They love hearing no.

00:55:03Guest:Yeah, yeah.

00:55:04Guest:They go, when Artie's done with the movie, we'd love to meet him.

00:55:06Guest:I finish in Toronto shooting this film, and people thought it was going to be huge before it came out.

00:55:11Guest:So I fly to LA.

00:55:13Guest:I got this reel.

00:55:14Guest:I got the stories from this fucking movie I just did for MGM.

00:55:18Guest:And I go in there, and I meet every network.

00:55:20Guest:And I kill in all these rooms, taking meetings, and I end up with a $750,000 development deal at Fox to do a show.

00:55:28Guest:And I'm like, this is crazy.

00:55:29Guest:And the first check was $250,000.

00:55:31Guest:And I took it to my mom, and her hands were shaking when I gave it to her.

00:55:35Guest:She was like, she goes, what do you have to do for this money?

00:55:39Guest:She thought I was in slavery forever.

00:55:41Guest:I go, my, I just got to shoot a show.

00:55:43Guest:She goes, well, no, what do you have to do for this?

00:55:45Yeah.

00:55:45Guest:Her hand was really shaking with the check, and I started a corporation, and I've never looked back.

00:55:50Guest:But, you know, and my fucking up wasn't even done.

00:55:54Guest:You know, I was in L.A.

00:55:56Guest:after taking those meetings.

00:55:58Guest:I saw on the TV, because I was going back for Christmas, that Farley died.

00:56:03Guest:And you see those dates underneath him.

00:56:04Guest:And again, same age as Belushi.

00:56:07Guest:He's with a whore, drugs, you know, and...

00:56:11Guest:And I'm like, okay, maybe I'll learn from this, but not even close, man.

00:56:15Guest:Not even fucking close.

00:56:18Guest:Now it's different.

00:56:20Guest:And you can relate to this.

00:56:21Guest:Now it's not just people who are your heroes.

00:56:23Guest:Now it's people you know.

00:56:24Marc:Right, your buddies.

00:56:25Guest:Now it's buddies you know who you think are brilliant.

00:56:26Guest:Like you had Kinnison you talk about.

00:56:28Marc:With Geraldo, Hedberg.

00:56:30Guest:And now Mitch Hedberg and Greg Geraldo, two of my good friends.

00:56:33Guest:Geraldo, that was crazy.

00:56:34Guest:Yeah, yeah.

00:56:36Guest:Another brilliant guy.

00:56:38Guest:Yeah.

00:56:38Guest:You know, I had this story I tell in my book about that.

00:56:40Guest:We were going out to the William Shatner roast.

00:56:42Guest:Yeah.

00:56:43Guest:And this is a great story about roasts and, like, comics.

00:56:45Guest:But I'm in the... We're both coming out from New York to do the roast.

00:56:50Guest:So Comedy Central gets his first-class tickets.

00:56:52Guest:We're leaving from JFK.

00:56:53Guest:I'm in the JFK first-class lounge.

00:56:55Guest:And Geraldo comes in, like, tweaking out of his mind.

00:56:57Guest:He was like, I fell off the wagon, dude.

00:56:58Guest:I've been up for three days.

00:56:59Guest:Blowing.

00:57:00Guest:My wife's kicking me out.

00:57:01Guest:And I'm like...

00:57:02Guest:I was like, oh, sit down, calm down.

00:57:03Guest:I had Vicodin on me.

00:57:04Guest:I said, take a couple of Vicodin and I'll get you a Budweiser.

00:57:07Guest:And we had a couple of beers.

00:57:09Guest:He calmed down.

00:57:09Guest:I literally held his hand through.

00:57:11Guest:I changed my seat to sit next to him.

00:57:15Guest:When he went to the bathroom, he was afraid to go to the bathroom.

00:57:16Guest:I walked up to the bathroom with him and made sure no one walked in on him.

00:57:19Guest:Was he paranoid?

00:57:19Guest:Yeah, he was all paranoid.

00:57:21Guest:And I had been there, you know, and I thought he would do the same for me, you know.

00:57:24Guest:And we landed.

00:57:25Guest:I let my car go.

00:57:26Guest:I went in the car with him, literally holding his hand, got him, tucked him into bed.

00:57:30Guest:Like, everything's going to be fucking fine.

00:57:31Guest:Yeah.

00:57:32Guest:He fell asleep.

00:57:33Guest:I thought he was okay.

00:57:34Guest:I left.

00:57:34Guest:The next morning, we had to go to, you know, shoot the rose.

00:57:37Guest:Yeah.

00:57:38Guest:And he calls me at 8 in the morning.

00:57:39Guest:I wake up and he goes, dude, you saved my fucking life, man.

00:57:42Guest:Thanks.

00:57:42Guest:I'm better.

00:57:43Guest:Yeah.

00:57:43Guest:I can do this.

00:57:44Guest:I go, great, man, because you can't blow this off.

00:57:46Guest:You're going to be all right.

00:57:46Guest:He goes, yeah.

00:57:47Guest:Yeah.

00:57:47Guest:We go there.

00:57:48Guest:He's the first guy up.

00:57:49Guest:I'm sitting next to Andy Dick, of all people.

00:57:50Guest:There was a bar on the fucking stage.

00:57:53Guest:Right.

00:57:53Guest:And me and Andy Dick are drinking.

00:57:55Guest:First thing out of Geraldo's mouth.

00:57:56Guest:And they never aired it on the show.

00:57:57Guest:They cut it out.

00:57:58Guest:But I guess I'm not famous enough to be the first joke.

00:58:00Guest:But the first thing he says, he goes, Artie Lang is here.

00:58:02Guest:And there's like applause.

00:58:03Guest:And he goes, look at you, you fat fucking drug addict.

00:58:09Guest:And then he looked over at me and kind of went, I got it.

00:58:14Guest:Sorry.

00:58:14Guest:I got it.

00:58:15Guest:got to do it the nature of what we do i gotta do it yeah now in in this whole story when did you start doing howard's show all right so i do the movie with norm yeah i shoot uh i i get the whole 750 grand from that deal because i shoot a pilot it's i don't know what happened to it's going to show up someday it's the worst pilot of all time and i'm bad in it yeah but i learned a bunch about why are you bad now

00:58:40Guest:The script was not ready to be shot.

00:58:42Guest:They rushed it along and I kind of phoned it in because I hated it.

00:58:46Guest:I did not want it to get picked up.

00:58:48Guest:Yeah.

00:58:48Guest:And it's just not a good project.

00:58:52Guest:Right.

00:58:52Guest:But I got all this money for it and I learned a lot.

00:58:56Guest:And then immediately I get another deal.

00:58:58Guest:For another like $400,000 from NBC.

00:59:02Guest:Because they see, you know, by that time, the King of Queens was on.

00:59:05Guest:Sort of like, you know, he's a fat guy.

00:59:07Guest:Maybe if we put him in a UPS outfit, he can make us some money.

00:59:11Guest:You know.

00:59:13Guest:What costume do we put the fat guy in?

00:59:15Guest:That was what they were thinking about.

00:59:16Guest:So I get another deal.

00:59:17Guest:I'm like, okay, fine.

00:59:18Guest:It's great.

00:59:19Guest:But I started to do a lot of stand-up on the road making money.

00:59:22Guest:And then I shot this movie with Spade.

00:59:24Guest:That came out and bombed.

00:59:26Guest:I shot a movie called The Bachelor with Renee Zellweger and Chris O'Donnell up in San Francisco.

00:59:30Guest:I was the third lead.

00:59:31Guest:It was the biggest movie I was ever involved with.

00:59:33Guest:That came out, didn't do anything.

00:59:35Guest:I did a movie called Mystery Men, nothing.

00:59:38Guest:And another movie called The Fourth Floor that did nothing.

00:59:40Guest:So in the movie business, they don't give you a lot of chances.

00:59:43Guest:But to promote dirty work,

00:59:45Guest:Norm was going into Howard to shoot, to promote it.

00:59:51Guest:So he knew I was a big fan of Howard.

00:59:53Guest:And he said, why don't you come in with me?

00:59:54Guest:You can meet everybody.

00:59:55Guest:And he said, I'll try to bring you on the show because Howard busts my balls a lot.

00:59:57Guest:If he's busting my chops, I'll bring you in and we'll talk about the movie.

01:00:00Marc:That's the bullshit thing.

01:00:01Guest:I shouldn't have seen that coming.

01:00:02Guest:So I go in, he's busting Norm's chops.

01:00:05Guest:He goes, hey, Howard, my buddy Artie's here.

01:00:07Guest:So Howard says, well, bring him in.

01:00:08Guest:I'll ignore him for 10 minutes.

01:00:09Guest:I don't care.

01:00:10Guest:So Gary brings me in.

01:00:11Guest:As he's putting the headsets, I told everybody to listen to my life family.

01:00:15Guest:As he's putting the headphones on me, Norm says, hey, Howard, you like Artie?

01:00:18Guest:He got kicked off of Mad TV because of cocaine.

01:00:20Guest:Yeah.

01:00:21Guest:And just right under the bus.

01:00:22Guest:And Howard's eyes darted to me.

01:00:24Guest:Yeah.

01:00:24Guest:And I just said, fuck it.

01:00:25Guest:I just let the whole story out.

01:00:27Guest:No holds barred.

01:00:28Guest:Yeah.

01:00:28Guest:And he loved it.

01:00:30Guest:Yeah.

01:00:31Guest:And he said, I love out of control people.

01:00:32Guest:You're a friend of the show.

01:00:33Guest:Come back anytime.

01:00:34Guest:That's what he said.

01:00:34Guest:So everybody said, oh, my God, he said that.

01:00:36Marc:It's like being anointed.

01:00:37Marc:He loves out of control people.

01:00:38Marc:He said that on the mic or off the mic?

01:00:40Marc:On the mic.

01:00:41Marc:On the mic.

01:00:41Marc:I love out of control people.

01:00:42Guest:I love out of control people.

01:00:44Guest:He does.

01:00:45Guest:Isn't that interesting?

01:00:45Guest:It is entertaining.

01:00:47Guest:So I go back with Norm again to promote Dirty Work when it came out on DVD or something.

01:00:54Guest:And had more crazy stories.

01:00:56Guest:And he loved that.

01:00:57Guest:So then when the movies go away, Norm wants me to do a sitcom.

01:01:01Guest:Because he gets a sitcom deal.

01:01:04Guest:And he goes, you can play like my half-brother or something.

01:01:06Guest:So I go in, I read for the guy, Bruce Helfer, the guy that drew Carey.

01:01:10Guest:And he goes, he's great.

01:01:11Guest:He'll be fine.

01:01:12Guest:So I become a regular on a sitcom now.

01:01:14Guest:Now I'm making $35,000 a week for like, I got to memorize eight lines.

01:01:17Guest:I memorized my lines on the corner of Moore Park and fucking Beverly Glen, whatever.

01:01:22Guest:And I

01:01:23Guest:Yeah, every Friday I'm getting 35 grand.

01:01:25Guest:I come out here, I move to the Wilshire Corridor.

01:01:27Guest:I get a place for four Gs a month.

01:01:29Guest:And I was thin, I was healthy, I was eating egg white almonds at the Beverly Hills Hotel.

01:01:35Guest:I got down to 180.

01:01:36Guest:I had a tan.

01:01:37Guest:I bought a fucking 500 SL convertible.

01:01:39Guest:I would take out the PCH.

01:01:40Guest:And you're not doing drugs?

01:01:41Guest:I was bagging broads.

01:01:43Guest:I was drinking on the weekends like a normal human being.

01:01:46Guest:Something happened.

01:01:47Guest:I didn't eat dope, nothing.

01:01:48Guest:Huh.

01:01:48Guest:And for two years, I never was healthier in my life.

01:01:52Guest:But I was on an ABC primetime sitcom that I thought was going to be like Norm.

01:01:56Guest:And it wasn't.

01:01:57Guest:And Norm gave up.

01:01:58Guest:He couldn't fight them anymore.

01:01:59Guest:He said, OK, well, just get me syndication money like it did Drew Carey.

01:02:02Guest:I'll read your shit scripts.

01:02:04Guest:And when Norm gave up, so did I creatively.

01:02:07Guest:And we just started mailing in.

01:02:08Guest:But it lasted two full years.

01:02:10Guest:And the first 10 were amazing because they had Norm's input.

01:02:16Guest:They were edgy.

01:02:17Guest:And we still did some real funny stuff because Norm was hilarious.

01:02:19Guest:Laurie Metcalf was on it.

01:02:21Guest:Yeah, yeah.

01:02:21Guest:She was amazing.

01:02:22Guest:And Norm is always funny.

01:02:24Guest:But after two years, it went away.

01:02:27Guest:But I had all this money.

01:02:28Guest:And in those two years, we went into Howard each year again, another two times.

01:02:34Guest:So a total of four times Norm brought me in there.

01:02:36Guest:And every time he liked me because I had these crazy stories.

01:02:38Guest:So I was on his radar.

01:02:39Guest:I was on Howard's radar.

01:02:40Guest:So, you know, life is all timing.

01:02:43Guest:When the Norm show got canceled, I was out of that deal, and I went back to New York, and I finally bought a place.

01:02:49Guest:First time in my life I was going to own some.

01:02:50Guest:So I buy this big condo in Hoboken overlooking the city.

01:02:54Guest:You still got it?

01:02:55Guest:Still got it, yeah.

01:02:56Guest:I get my mom a place.

01:02:58Guest:I take care of her.

01:02:59Guest:And I figured I'm going to have to go back to L.A.

01:03:01Guest:at some point to play the fat neighbor on some shit sitcom, whatever, you know.

01:03:04Guest:Yeah, exactly.

01:03:05Guest:I needed money, man.

01:03:06Guest:What was I going to do?

01:03:07Guest:But my stand-up was where I really let loose.

01:03:10Guest:I found when I was on that sitcom, my stand-up got darker and darker because it was so much fun not to be doing those lines.

01:03:16Guest:And when I was at the Funny Bone in St.

01:03:17Guest:Louis, it got crazy.

01:03:19Guest:And that's when I came into my own as a stand-up.

01:03:21Guest:Ironically enough, being on an ABC sitcom is what made me better as a stand-up comic.

01:03:26Guest:Because you hated yourself.

01:03:27Guest:Yes.

01:03:28Guest:Yes.

01:03:28Guest:And I felt dead inside in a way.

01:03:30Guest:And the way to get rid of that was be edgier and crazier and take more risks as a comic.

01:03:34Guest:Because you got all this stuff building out.

01:03:37Guest:Yeah.

01:03:37Guest:And it's like, I need the real me out.

01:03:39Guest:And it was before every jerk off had a cell phone taping you.

01:03:41Guest:So remember when it was midnight at a club in Cincinnati?

01:03:44Guest:It was just you and those people.

01:03:45Guest:And then that was it that was it and you could do whatever you had to do to get on stage get the last now It's you and everyone in the fucking world and on Twitter You can't there's no one not you can't do anonymous sets anymore Exactly and an anonymous set is what makes you know it's better the comics are gonna get worse man because they're gonna check themselves

01:04:01Guest:All the time.

01:04:02Guest:The seven minutes is always going to have to be killer, and they're not going to want to see themselves bombing on Instagram or whatever the fuck it is, and they're never going to take risks and fail, and we're going to have a generation of shit comics.

01:04:15Guest:Yeah, well, it's happening.

01:04:16Marc:But I've sometimes been on stage, and I said, look, I'm going to do this bit, but no one tell my girlfriend about it.

01:04:22Guest:Right.

01:04:23Marc:Exactly.

01:04:23Marc:Don't tweet her.

01:04:25Marc:Don't tweet this.

01:04:26Marc:Don't, you know, don't put it up.

01:04:27Guest:And how's she going to find that?

01:04:27Guest:You're at Yuck Yucks in Detroit or whatever the fuck.

01:04:29Guest:No one is going to find that.

01:04:30Marc:Right.

01:04:30Marc:But yeah, just no tweeting this idea.

01:04:33Guest:And like, okay, so like a lot of those dicks are going to apply to that.

01:04:36Guest:Yeah.

01:04:36Guest:You know, so it really is a, plus the other thing that's going to hurt comedy is the Red Sox being good.

01:04:42Guest:Boston's going to have a bunch of asshole winners coming at him.

01:04:46Guest:It really is going to hurt.

01:04:47Guest:The funniest people on the planet are from Boston, or spend time in Boston.

01:04:50Guest:It's true.

01:04:51Guest:And all that angst and everything.

01:04:53Guest:And now you've got the Patriots, and the Celtics won one, and now these guys.

01:04:56Guest:DiPaolo will still always be English.

01:04:58Guest:Nick is...

01:04:58Guest:Nick does not know how to tell it, but like exactly how it is, man.

01:05:03Guest:I mean, again, it's great to see him in the age of Twitter because it's fucking, he's amazing.

01:05:09Guest:Yeah, so I was on Howard's radar and it got canceled.

01:05:12Guest:So I go back home and Jackie leaves the fucking show.

01:05:15Guest:So everybody, like a lot of comics, Jackie left Stern and Howard announced on the air, listen, this is a free chair.

01:05:21Guest:We're having on-air auditions.

01:05:22Guest:We're giving away Jackie's money.

01:05:24Guest:If you're a comic, send us a tape.

01:05:26Guest:Come in and sit here and we'll see how you are.

01:05:29Guest:I never get the first comic I heard on it was Doug Stanhope and he was great He was killing Howard loved all the dark stuff.

01:05:35Guest:He's doing his jokes were great I'm like wow that must that that's got to be hard to try Conan Smith call me up You know I was my guy at the time and Peter Prince Apollo called me on a conference call yeah and said You know I talked to Gary and Howard and they they love you from becoming in with Norm Would you want to sit in a couple it was the most intimidating thing ever, but I said of course, you know

01:05:55Guest:You grew up with Howard?

01:05:57Guest:Yes.

01:05:58Guest:My father turned me on to him.

01:05:59Guest:When I was 13 years old, my father came home from work one day and he said, you got to hear this guy.

01:06:04Guest:And he took me to work with him the next day just to hear Howard.

01:06:08Guest:And we would be late for jobs because we were sitting in the car.

01:06:12Guest:And I never laughed so hard.

01:06:13Guest:It's like the first time I saw Letterman or a Woody Allen movie or Richard Pryor album, Carlin.

01:06:20Guest:When I first heard Howard on the radio, I was like, wow, it could be that fun, man.

01:06:22Guest:It could be really just that fun.

01:06:24Guest:He was having so much fun.

01:06:25Guest:And he's making a living.

01:06:27Guest:And it was like an eye-opener.

01:06:30Guest:So I got hardcore with him.

01:06:31Guest:I became one of those Jersey guys that was Howard.

01:06:34Guest:I went to rallies for him and shit like that.

01:06:37Guest:So I said, okay.

01:06:40Guest:So May 7th, 2001, it was a Monday.

01:06:43Guest:They gave me the Monday and Tuesday, the 7th and 8th to sit in.

01:06:47Guest:And...

01:06:48Guest:From the very beginning.

01:06:50Guest:There were other guys sitting there at the time who were in there who I thought were funnier than me.

01:06:53Guest:But I said, no one's a bigger fan of the show.

01:06:55Guest:No one's going to know when to shut up.

01:06:56Guest:I know Howard.

01:06:57Guest:I know when to shut up.

01:06:58Guest:I know what he likes.

01:06:59Guest:I know his sense of humor.

01:07:00Guest:I know I'm not going to waste time doing my act for him.

01:07:03Guest:And it just was perfect.

01:07:06Guest:It was perfect.

01:07:07Guest:I left there.

01:07:08Guest:I went out on 6th Avenue at 11 o'clock.

01:07:10Guest:UPS drivers were yelling at me.

01:07:12Guest:Oh, was that chick?

01:07:12Guest:Stitch reel did you really do that construction workers taking my picture walking down and I walked from 6th Avenue to the village Yeah, it's just in a daze like oh, this is amazing Yeah, that was the biggest moment of your life it probably yeah, I was because your love for Howard and I found my thing you know I found something that's gonna

01:07:30Guest:Give me a mark in this fucking world.

01:07:32Guest:It wasn't mad TV.

01:07:33Guest:It wasn't the movies.

01:07:35Guest:It wasn't normal.

01:07:35Guest:It wasn't my stand-up yet as far as I thought.

01:07:37Guest:But this is something.

01:07:38Guest:I bet I could be good at this.

01:07:41Guest:And it wasn't just a little thing.

01:07:42Guest:It was like millions of people.

01:07:44Guest:Yeah, it was Howard.

01:07:46Guest:And it shows you how fucking stupid and naive agents are here.

01:07:48Guest:A couple of guys who represented me back then in L.A.

01:07:50Guest:said, well, you just did a sitcom.

01:07:52Guest:You're not going to do radio.

01:07:54Guest:I said, radio?

01:07:55Guest:I said, I'm doing the Howard Stern.

01:07:56Guest:I'm not going to do the Z-Morning fucking Zoom.

01:07:59Guest:I said, this is my Johnny Carson I'm doing.

01:08:01Guest:What are you, an asshole?

01:08:02Guest:I wanted to strangle him.

01:08:03Guest:I go, yeah, I'm leaving the ABC sitcom to do Howard Stern.

01:08:07Guest:Wow.

01:08:07Guest:I'm fucking really suicidal about that.

01:08:10Guest:So they came close to what I was making on the sitcom.

01:08:13Guest:I said, I'll make up the rest on the fucking road.

01:08:15Guest:I'm already getting calls.

01:08:16Guest:I can book them myself.

01:08:19Guest:So I did three solid months of the Stern show where I became a regular.

01:08:23Guest:Eventually, he gave me every Thursday and Friday.

01:08:24Guest:I come in every Thursday and Friday.

01:08:26Guest:And it just got killer and killer and killer.

01:08:28Guest:And it was just amazing.

01:08:30Guest:It was flowing.

01:08:32Guest:And, you know, he wanted me to write like Fred and Benji did and Jackie did so brilliantly for him.

01:08:39Guest:But I wasn't good at writing his voice.

01:08:41Guest:So he wasn't using the jokes.

01:08:42Guest:And he said to me, he goes, listen, I'll just keep your mic on all the time.

01:08:46Guest:So if you think of something funny, don't write it.

01:08:47Guest:Just say it.

01:08:48Guest:It's better coming out of you.

01:08:50Guest:And being bad at the writing part is what made me a third host of the show.

01:08:54Guest:No one had ever had their mic on all the time.

01:08:56Guest:Except him and Robin.

01:08:58Guest:Right.

01:08:58Guest:So I became the only guy ever in the history of that show to have a mic on all the time.

01:09:03Guest:And had carte blanche to talk whenever I wanted to.

01:09:06Guest:Even with guests and everything.

01:09:07Guest:And Principato called me up in September and said they're going to make an offer to have you there every day.

01:09:14Guest:And it was like heroin going through my body.

01:09:17Guest:It was just like, wow.

01:09:18Guest:Complete euphoria.

01:09:20Guest:And they gave me about half of what I was making...

01:09:22Guest:On the sitcom, but with stand-up at the end of the first year, I had doubled it.

01:09:26Guest:And, you know, I found my Yankee Stadium, man.

01:09:30Guest:Yeah, that was it.

01:09:31Guest:It was my mark I could make.

01:09:32Guest:Yeah.

01:09:33Guest:You know, you talk about this sometimes.

01:09:35Guest:Yeah, yeah.

01:09:35Guest:And you finally, you always knew you had it and you could do something special.

01:09:40Guest:Yeah.

01:09:41Guest:And this was my special thing.

01:09:42Guest:That's great.

01:09:43Guest:And yeah, so I lasted eight and a half years.

01:09:46Guest:I've never had a job that long.

01:09:48Guest:Seven were sheer bliss.

01:09:50Guest:The last year and a half, I had become a heroin addict.

01:09:53Guest:So I moved from Coke.

01:09:55Guest:And the last time I ever did blow, people can't believe it.

01:09:57Guest:The last time I ever did Coke was June the 14th, 1997.

01:09:59Guest:It became such chaos in my life.

01:10:03Guest:I got rid of it.

01:10:04Guest:Never picked it up again.

01:10:06Guest:And you know how it is sometimes.

01:10:07Guest:At clubs, people would put it in my hand.

01:10:09Guest:I had it in my hand and I had enough willpower to say, listen, you got two seconds or I'm dropping it to take it out of my hand.

01:10:14Guest:So I was that good with it.

01:10:16Guest:Just drinking.

01:10:17Guest:Yeah.

01:10:18Guest:But one day on the road, I got addicted to the money.

01:10:22Guest:And the most I made in one night when I was 2008, Super Bowl Eve at Mandalay Bay, I did two shows.

01:10:33Guest:And one night I made $140,000 doing stand-up.

01:10:35Guest:They gave me $60,000 for each show, and they gave me $20,000 to go to their stupid club and stay there for an hour and say I was there.

01:10:43Guest:I lost 80 grand at the tables, and I spent another 10 grand on a whore.

01:10:47Guest:One whore, 10 Gs.

01:10:48Guest:She looked like a young fucking Christy Turlington.

01:10:51Guest:They're out there.

01:10:52Guest:10 Gs.

01:10:54Guest:Yeah, right.

01:10:55Guest:And I got free drugs.

01:10:57Guest:And by that point, I was gone.

01:10:58Guest:I was a heroin addict at that point.

01:11:00Guest:When did that start?

01:11:01Guest:Who started that?

01:11:02Guest:Well, in 2004.

01:11:07Guest:I was on the road, and I created a schedule that with morning radio you could never do, because I've become nocturnal on the weekends with clubs, like in Phoenix or whatever.

01:11:16Marc:Yeah, I did morning radio.

01:11:17Marc:It's impossible.

01:11:18Guest:As a comic, I never forget, Colin Quinn said to me, he goes, when I got the job, he said, that's the greatest thing ever.

01:11:24Guest:I give you three weeks.

01:11:25Guest:Yeah.

01:11:25Guest:You know, because it is, you know, for comics, what are you going to do?

01:11:29Marc:Oh, you walk around like you're hitting the head all the time.

01:11:32Guest:And I tried the staying up all night thing a couple times and doing sets at the cellars.

01:11:35Guest:It never worked.

01:11:37Guest:So Jimmy Norton actually does that.

01:11:39Guest:He does O&A and he does sets and he's amazing at that.

01:11:44Guest:I never could do that.

01:11:45Marc:I think I used to sleep during the day for a few hours.

01:11:49Marc:I got to the point where it's sort of like if I can get seven or eight in, even if it's broken up, I can manage.

01:11:55Guest:What was that radio show you did for that?

01:11:57Marc:For Air America.

01:11:58Marc:Yeah, for Air America was morning.

01:11:59Marc:I did six to nine.

01:12:00Marc:It was morning.

01:12:00Marc:Yeah.

01:12:00Guest:Oh, yeah.

01:12:01Guest:And I had to get up at four because we had a crunch news.

01:12:03Guest:Right.

01:12:04Guest:Exactly.

01:12:05Guest:And with Howard, that's the thing.

01:12:07Guest:There was no crunch news.

01:12:09Marc:Yeah.

01:12:10Guest:He did whatever he wanted.

01:12:11Guest:He stayed on till 11.

01:12:12Guest:There was no... Yeah.

01:12:14Guest:It's funny, the show I do now, I got to hit hard breaks and all that shit.

01:12:17Guest:I was on the greatest radio show ever, and because of that, I don't know how to do radio.

01:12:21Guest:Yeah, right.

01:12:23Guest:So in 2004, I got this crazy schedule where I got a paper route and a stand-up comic schedule.

01:12:29Guest:Yeah.

01:12:29Guest:And I start taking pills to get up and come down.

01:12:31Guest:I start taking Adderall to get up, which is basically a cute word for amphetamines.

01:12:36Guest:And I... What were you taking to come down?

01:12:39Guest:I was taking opiates.

01:12:41Guest:I started taking painkillers.

01:12:43Guest:And they were littered all over the streets of Manhattan.

01:12:45Guest:Literally, I couldn't find them.

01:12:47Guest:Oxys?

01:12:47Guest:Yeah.

01:12:48Guest:Well, Vicodin, Percocets, Oxys here and there.

01:12:52Guest:But...

01:12:53Guest:The worst of those time-release oxys, I took them thinking of the intermediate things.

01:12:56Guest:I'm like, what's going on?

01:12:57Guest:I go, wait three hours.

01:12:58Guest:And I would take like 40 of them.

01:13:00Guest:Three hours later, I was like Jimi Hendrix at the Monterey Pop Festival.

01:13:05Guest:I'm like, wow, this is dangerous.

01:13:08Guest:I want the shit that hits you right away, man.

01:13:10Marc:I can't time this properly.

01:13:13Marc:I don't have that kind of time.

01:13:14Guest:So I got up to taking 50 pills a day.

01:13:16Guest:So I went to this one club, and I was in full-blown withdrawal when I got there.

01:13:20Guest:There were three sold-out shows.

01:13:21Marc:Sweating.

01:13:23Marc:Sweating.

01:13:24Guest:The manager of the club said, what do you need to get on stage, man?

01:13:27Guest:I got to get you on stage.

01:13:27Guest:I said, you know, I got money.

01:13:29Guest:Can you get me 100 Percocet, 10 milligrams?

01:13:32Guest:He goes, I can.

01:13:33Guest:He goes, how many do you take in a day?

01:13:34Guest:I go, like, maybe 30.

01:13:35Guest:So he says out loud, he goes, you should try heroin.

01:13:38Guest:It's better for your liver.

01:13:40Guest:And I said, thank you, doctor.

01:13:42Guest:So he got me to Percocet to get me through the show.

01:13:46Guest:But then at the end of the night, he had four bags of heroin, four $40 bags.

01:13:51Marc:This must have been near New York.

01:13:52Guest:And it was brown.

01:13:53Guest:Yeah, I'm not going to say where it was.

01:13:54Marc:No, not yet.

01:13:55Marc:Oh, so it was the Mexican stuff.

01:13:57Guest:It was good.

01:13:58Marc:Yeah.

01:13:59Guest:Yeah, so he goes, just snort it.

01:14:02Guest:I'm like, all right, so I go back to my hotel.

01:14:04Guest:I did three lines of it that were liberal, generous lines.

01:14:09Guest:Yeah.

01:14:11Guest:Put the just I put on the TV and there was some movie on and when my head at the pillow I said out loud knowing me I said out loud.

01:14:20Guest:I'm in trouble.

01:14:21Guest:I'm in trouble It was euphoria like I never felt before through me and my head at that pillow and you know I could tell heroin's great People say why is heroin addictive?

01:14:29Guest:This is my answer the movie that was on was Alex and Emma with Luke Wilson and Kate Hudson and I and I never turned it off

01:14:37Guest:By the end, I was crying going, is Emma, are you getting back with Emma?

01:14:41Guest:Is Alex going to get back with Emma?

01:14:42Guest:Because that was rude what you said to her.

01:14:45Guest:I swear to God, that was the movie.

01:14:47Guest:And everything was great.

01:14:48Guest:And the thing about heroin to me was you didn't forget your problems.

01:14:52Guest:You remembered them, but you didn't give a fuck about them.

01:14:55Guest:It was great.

01:14:55Guest:It was like, fuck you.

01:14:56Guest:I don't care.

01:14:57Guest:And again, same thing with Coke.

01:14:59Guest:I said, I found this, but I could control this.

01:15:01Guest:It's all right.

01:15:02Yeah.

01:15:02Guest:First six months, my tolerance wasn't up and it was great, blah, blah, blah.

01:15:06Guest:I was able to get a contact that kept me supplied.

01:15:09Guest:Because with opiates, if you have a supply and you never go into that withdrawal phase, you'll keep up appearances and you'll be all right.

01:15:15Guest:You want to be out.

01:15:16Guest:Right.

01:15:17Guest:My tolerance got built up after six months.

01:15:19Guest:And then I was like, oh, my God, I'm not getting high anymore.

01:15:23Guest:And I couldn't stop withdrawals.

01:15:26Guest:And then I started missing shit, showing up to shit looking bad.

01:15:31Guest:trips on the road were hell because i'm like okay i gotta find a contact in pittsburgh otherwise i'll die in pittsburgh right from withdrawals that's it that's the worst thing about that kind of narcotic right you can't you gotta have a guy becomes a part of your body did you ever hire a guy to find guys for you absolutely they were on the payroll you know and uh i i hired two guys to keep me away from drugs and i told them uh that the one guy was my security who was getting me drugs they were on the road at the same time with me

01:15:59Guest:And so I would go into Pittsburgh or wherever, and I would say to a concierge or a taxi driver, you find one guy who's okay, what do you need?

01:16:10Guest:And again, the bad neighborhoods, everything.

01:16:12Guest:And I almost missed spots at clubs because I was copping in a strange city.

01:16:19Guest:Because if I didn't, I wouldn't be able to... And then you just... It's all you think about.

01:16:23Guest:It's all you think about.

01:16:24Guest:Right, exactly.

01:16:24Guest:But comes...

01:16:25Guest:Fuck pussy, money, career, friendships, family.

01:16:30Guest:All you think about is the next fucking hit.

01:16:33Marc:Avoiding the withdrawals.

01:16:35Guest:Yeah.

01:16:35Guest:Avoiding the withdrawals because it's like the worst flu times a million.

01:16:39Marc:Yeah.

01:16:40Guest:And then I got introduced to Suboxone, Subutex, which is this drug that you put under your tongue and it takes away the withdrawals.

01:16:50Guest:It's part opiate, but you take one 8-milligram tablet and you have no withdrawals and you can operate.

01:16:56Guest:Someone who never took heroin before would get blind high on it, but with the tolerance, it just stops the withdrawals.

01:17:03Guest:I got that, and as long as you waited 12 hours, you could do more opiates.

01:17:08Guest:You take that Suboxone, you commit it to 12 hours of nothing, because if you mix them, you're going to the worst withdrawal ever, which I did once.

01:17:15Guest:I got offered to roast Bob Saget for Comedy Central, and I woke up.

01:17:21Guest:I had done a bunch of heroin at about 2 in the morning.

01:17:25Guest:I woke up at 6 to catch a plane.

01:17:26Guest:I took a Suboxone, forgetting I did it.

01:17:28Guest:I turned green III was gonna die my assistant at the time came over to get me to the plane And I said you got a call County Central.

01:17:38Guest:Yeah, this is a girl.

01:17:38Guest:I just hired yeah, and say I can't go to the Rose This is like the day before the room.

01:17:42Guest:Yeah, and you know, I know Jeff Ross has a bunch of fat jokes, but this is this is serious

01:17:48Guest:He's gonna have to shelf those to the next right he's gonna have to maybe you know Maybe they ended up getting Jeff Garland yeah to take my place I think Ross bitch that he had too much Yeah, so lose the drug part Still got a few that'll work Yeah, he's gonna have to call an audible at the line So and she she started to cry like I can't call Comedy Central So I call my lawyer and my manager at the time and

01:18:15Guest:And they got on the phone with the guy who directs all the roasts, Gallon, Joel Gallon, who I had been friendly with.

01:18:25Guest:And they tried everything.

01:18:26Guest:They said, I never felt more important in my life.

01:18:28Guest:They said, we'll get you a private jet to Teterboro.

01:18:30Guest:There'll be a doctor on it.

01:18:31Guest:Come out here.

01:18:32Guest:And if you're not good to do it when you get out here, we'll eat the 60 grand, whatever.

01:18:36Guest:But I said, no, I can't.

01:18:36Guest:I can't.

01:18:37Guest:I had to go to the hospital.

01:18:39Guest:And I missed Saget's Roast.

01:18:40Guest:It was a friend of mine because he directed Dirty Work.

01:18:42Guest:Norm did it.

01:18:43Guest:And they all thought I died.

01:18:44Guest:They're not telling us I already died.

01:18:46Guest:So they're going through that.

01:18:46Guest:They got to do the roast thinking I died.

01:18:48Guest:And then when they got done with the roast, they're going to find out I died.

01:18:53Guest:But I had to blow it off.

01:18:54Guest:And I'm going to make this call to apologize.

01:18:57Guest:You know, I went back on Howard.

01:18:59Guest:The thing was, as long as I can make it into a great story on Howard, it was fine.

01:19:03Guest:Right.

01:19:03Guest:And Howard didn't want to fire me.

01:19:06Guest:He doesn't like firing anybody because he goes, you're making a living.

01:19:09Guest:Like, how could that be good for you to understand?

01:19:10Guest:And with me, he was right.

01:19:12Guest:I think if he fired me, it would have been the end of me because that's that's that's my psychological makeup.

01:19:19Marc:But was there conversations off air?

01:19:21Marc:Yeah.

01:19:21Guest:Where he'd be like, what are you going to do?

01:19:25Guest:Yeah.

01:19:25Guest:Eventually, he gave me the best thing a boss could give you.

01:19:29Guest:He said, listen, you have as much time as you want to get better.

01:19:34Guest:Take eight months.

01:19:35Guest:When you come back, you have a job.

01:19:36Guest:I mean, how much better could that be?

01:19:38Guest:And I would shit all over that.

01:19:39Guest:I'd go, great.

01:19:40Guest:I'd stay for eight days.

01:19:42Guest:I went to one rehab in Miami, just broke out after eight days and went to South Beach and got a room with the satai.

01:19:48Guest:I called Howard fucked up, you know, one morning on the air with the room service guy there.

01:19:53Guest:I put him on the air.

01:19:54Guest:What is already eating and pancakes and everything.

01:19:56Guest:And then eventually Howard said, you got to go get better.

01:19:59Guest:You're not.

01:20:00Guest:You can't come back until, you know, which was the greatest thing he could have done.

01:20:02Guest:And I went away and left another rehab.

01:20:06Guest:uh when you leave rehabs you you literally break out of them well no you could check yourself out because you're an adult you're not committed yeah but sometimes like they really don't want you to leave and you there's screaming matches out to the car yeah and i left and uh i went on a binge and when when i ran out of january 2nd 2010 that morning i i decided i can't go to spanish arlem again i can't do it can't do this anymore i can't live like this anymore

01:20:31Guest:So I fucking tried to kill myself again with a knife.

01:20:37Guest:And, you know, my mother and sister found me because they were on their way there for an intervention.

01:20:41Guest:So do you remember stabbing yourself?

01:20:43Guest:Yes.

01:20:44Guest:Yes.

01:20:45Guest:But I was fucked up.

01:20:47Guest:But I remember.

01:20:47Guest:Were you high or in withdrawal?

01:20:49Guest:In withdrawal.

01:20:49Guest:Yeah.

01:20:50Guest:bad so so do you think that that was what drove you well that's the thing that saved me from being in the nut house for a year yeah because of the doctor said listen if you were totally straight we could keep you here for two years yeah but the fact that you were in that living hell we get it yeah so you weren't thinking straight and I said yeah I don't I wouldn't do that right now but I'm I'm depressed as fuck right I wouldn't do that right now yeah and they let me out it took me in that and that that took me a year and a half a year a full year and a half and thank God I had money saved I had royalties from the book and shit coming in and

01:21:19Guest:I had an income, and I was lucky enough to be a guy that could take a year and a half to get better.

01:21:23Guest:And I came back, and I got this job at DirecTV.

01:21:28Guest:My stand-up came back, the book deal.

01:21:30Guest:I'm working more than I ever did, and I never felt better in my life.

01:21:33Marc:You seem really clear.

01:21:34Marc:It's incredible that your memory is so – I mean, to the dates.

01:21:38Marc:You remember dates.

01:21:39Marc:I know.

01:21:40Marc:It's a curse and a good thing.

01:21:42Marc:But when you were living at your mother's, when he said earlier that there was the darkest year of your life, just sleeping there in that room.

01:21:47Marc:It was.

01:21:48Guest:And I had to go through that.

01:21:49Guest:I mean, that was what I had to go through.

01:21:50Guest:What was that like?

01:21:51Guest:What was happening?

01:21:52Guest:Just nothing.

01:21:54Guest:My head wouldn't stop turning.

01:21:55Guest:It was crazy anxiety.

01:21:57Guest:And I was getting guys to deliver shit outside my mother's house, like under the garbage can.

01:22:01Guest:So you still use them.

01:22:02Guest:Yeah, yeah.

01:22:03Guest:And she had to go shopping every once in a while, and they'd leave shit, and...

01:22:07Marc:It's amazing how efficient guys can be.

01:22:09Marc:Do you ever wonder about that, though?

01:22:10Marc:There are all these guys, when you see somebody like Mitch or yourself or anybody that people know publicly use drugs, that they're always there to give you drugs.

01:22:22Marc:They're businessmen.

01:22:23Marc:I guess, but they're usually guys they want to hang out to, some of them.

01:22:27Guest:Definitely.

01:22:28Guest:Well, yeah, that's true.

01:22:29Guest:And some of them, and look, I've been the asshole in that situation.

01:22:32Guest:Like, look, yeah, we can be friends, but you got to bring something to the table.

01:22:38Guest:And that's a hard thing to say when you think you're a nice person, but when you have an addiction.

01:22:42Guest:But yeah, you're right.

01:22:42Guest:You find out that, like guys on Wall Street, these drug dealers are just ruthless businessmen.

01:22:48Guest:That's what they are.

01:22:49Guest:I know this is bad, but look, I got a kid to put through private school.

01:22:53Marc:My kid's going to choke.

01:22:59Marc:Have you ever had a drug dealer say, look, I can't do this anymore?

01:23:03Marc:Not someone I'd call a full-blown dealer.

01:23:04Guest:A guy that got me shit, put it that way, would say I can't do it anymore.

01:23:08Guest:Like a guy who knew people would say no.

01:23:10Guest:And those people slowly leave your life because you get the good people out.

01:23:15Guest:You weed them out.

01:23:16Guest:Yeah, the ones who are concerned.

01:23:17Marc:Right.

01:23:18Marc:And you think the other guys are your pals.

01:23:20Marc:So you're still using drugs.

01:23:22Marc:You don't know what the hell you're going to do with yourself.

01:23:24Marc:And you're out of touch with Howard during this time?

01:23:26Marc:I would talk to him every once in a while and he would just say are you okay?

01:23:30Guest:Like he they just wanted me to be okay.

01:23:32Guest:They didn't know what to do I mean think about that when a person you know does that what the fuck do you do?

01:23:36Marc:That's the problem.

01:23:37Guest:That's the whole codependent thing right you you you exhaust those people I yes, and I put them in a horrible position and they were they were mortified and they just they just said look We just want you to be okay, you know

01:23:48Guest:get better because i would call them sometimes i would call howard's answering machine slurring like i can come back i'm all right you know yeah like what it's just i mean it's just you put them in in a bad spot and uh eventually uh a team of guys uh who i knew uh from the program uh my mother got a number they showed up one day at my mom's house and dragged me out of there

01:24:08Guest:And the one guy even said to me, I'm doing this for your mom.

01:24:10Guest:I know you're not ready, but you're going to kill her.

01:24:13Guest:So they dragged me in a car, and they took me to a detox where I stayed for 19 days.

01:24:18Guest:Typical stays three.

01:24:19Guest:And I detoxed from the shit, and then they shipped me right to a rehab, Ambrosia rehab outside of Miami.

01:24:27Guest:And that's where I got better.

01:24:29Guest:That's where I got better.

01:24:30Guest:Three months I was there.

01:24:31Guest:Three solid months.

01:24:33Guest:And they did wonders for me.

01:24:34Guest:It was amazing down there.

01:24:36Guest:And I came back.

01:24:38Guest:normal i said i had all this material man that's the other thing about i had all this material from what had happened i had a new hour i thought yeah my agent said people call all the time man if you're ready and i started making money again and and here i am so you've been you've been good since then

01:24:53Guest:Well, no, no.

01:24:55Guest:I relapsed twice and then.

01:24:56Guest:But the relapse lasted for two days most times.

01:24:59Guest:I was able to get right back into it.

01:25:01Guest:And so the last time is eight months.

01:25:03Guest:Well, that's great, man.

01:25:04Guest:Yeah.

01:25:05Guest:That's fucking great.

01:25:06Guest:It's a good story.

01:25:07Guest:It's got a happy ending.

01:25:09Marc:Yeah.

01:25:10Marc:I hope.

01:25:12Marc:Doing good now.

01:25:13Marc:Yeah.

01:25:13Marc:What are you doing out here now?

01:25:14Guest:I'm plugging a book.

01:25:15Guest:Oh, I have a book.

01:25:16Guest:Yeah, Crash and Burn.

01:25:17Guest:Yeah.

01:25:17Guest:It's out now.

01:25:18Guest:And, you know, it's about the last four years.

01:25:21Guest:Too Fat to Fish, my first book, did so well that I got a second deal immediately.

01:25:27Guest:Yeah.

01:25:27Guest:And they gave me 200 grand immediately as part of the advance.

01:25:30Guest:I spent it.

01:25:31Guest:I stabbed myself.

01:25:32Guest:I go, a year and a half, my agent calls me and says, listen, I'm glad you're better, but if you don't do a book, you need to give back that 200,000.

01:25:38Guest:They said, okay, I'll do a book.

01:25:40Guest:What if I write about this?

01:25:40Guest:They said, well, they want you to.

01:25:41Marc:yeah so and then the book became therapy for me and I'm glad I wrote it well it's interesting though in the book it seems like you know you literally the suicide attempt is like what two paragraphs right it's it's it's hard to write about so I made it two harrowing paragraphs and sort of move on wait why is it hard to write about

01:26:00Guest:Because I'm mostly thinking of my mom with it.

01:26:03Guest:It's like I get welled up sometimes with that because she found me and the woman between me and my father, my God.

01:26:10Guest:If there is a heaven, that broad is going.

01:26:15Guest:So yeah, that's what I think about it.

01:26:17Guest:Were you embarrassed?

01:26:18Guest:Oh, God, yeah.

01:26:19Guest:Sure, sure.

01:26:19Guest:Matter of fact, the first time I went back out on the street in New York when I felt better enough to walk around the city in the fall, get some air in my face, I was walking down like 38th Street or something, and some guy came up to me,

01:26:28Guest:Oh, yeah.

01:26:28Guest:My God, it takes so much self-esteem after what you did to yourself to come out here.

01:26:31Guest:Man, I could never do that.

01:26:32Guest:It's so good you're not embarrassed by that.

01:26:34Guest:Keep it up, buddy.

01:26:37Guest:And I said, maybe he's right.

01:26:38Guest:So now I'm just walking around takes guts.

01:26:40Guest:Just walking the fuck around 38th Street takes guts.

01:26:43Guest:So you finally got there.

01:26:45Guest:Yeah.

01:26:46Guest:I'm here.

01:26:46Guest:I reached Nirvana.

01:26:49Guest:What's going on with Howard now?

01:26:52Guest:You know, last time I saw him, you know, Robin got sick and I went to go visit her in the hospital.

01:26:56Guest:I saw Howard there.

01:26:57Guest:And it was like old times.

01:26:59Guest:Me and him made Robin laugh for like an hour in a room.

01:27:01Guest:And it was like being on the radio again.

01:27:03Guest:He couldn't be nicer.

01:27:04Guest:He's very supportive.

01:27:06Yeah.

01:27:06Guest:And he doesn't want me to come back in there.

01:27:08Guest:He just doesn't.

01:27:09Guest:He goes, nothing's more important than you being better.

01:27:10Guest:God forbid something.

01:27:12Guest:A caller says something.

01:27:13Guest:I don't know.

01:27:13Guest:You can't be in this atmosphere.

01:27:15Guest:And the book comes in.

01:27:16Guest:Why would he think about it?

01:27:17Guest:I said, he's doing the right thing.

01:27:18Guest:He's doing what he should do.

01:27:20Guest:How else could you react to that?

01:27:22Guest:And I respect him for that.

01:27:24Guest:But...

01:27:25Marc:uh we're friendly you know and well that's interesting because what he's what he's he's actually you know he he's done everything he can and he and he loves you and he wants to help you and he has helped you yes but he knows that you know he's afraid that if you come back in it's going to enable you and draw you back into the of course so he's got to do the right thing for both that's what he's doing yeah and he knows the fans want it to be a big rating thing and everything but he's he's like no nothing's more important than you're getting better and uh

01:27:53Guest:I respect that.

01:27:54Guest:He goes, you know, Art, for seven years, you handled it in here like nobody else.

01:27:57Guest:You took shit, you gave shit, but now I know maybe you can't, so you can't do it.

01:28:02Guest:But God bless.

01:28:03Guest:I love you, you know?

01:28:05Guest:And how do you not respect that?

01:28:07Guest:So we're cool, but I'm...

01:28:10Guest:I'm doing some of the best work I ever did on stage.

01:28:12Guest:I'm doing another special, and it's about, it's a way funnier version of this than the book, but I'm proud of the book.

01:28:18Marc:Well, yeah, it's great, and it's honest, and it's fucking beautiful, and I'm glad you're healthy, and it was great seeing you.

01:28:23Marc:I'm glad you're healthy, too, Mark.

01:28:25Marc:14 years is, I'm aspiring to that.

01:28:27Marc:Well, yeah, anytime.

01:28:28Guest:Call me anytime.

01:28:29Guest:It's a great setup, man.

01:28:30Guest:And I'm a big fan of the show and the TV.

01:28:32Guest:Thanks, man.

01:28:33Guest:Much more good fortune, brother.

01:28:34Guest:You too.

01:28:35Guest:Thanks.

01:28:40Marc:That's it.

01:28:41Marc:That's our show.

01:28:42Marc:That was amazing.

01:28:43Marc:I love talking to Artie.

01:28:45Marc:I could talk to him all day, obviously.

01:28:47Marc:I know a lot of you guys were waiting for that episode.

01:28:49Marc:I hope you enjoyed it.

01:28:51Marc:Got a lot of great episodes coming up.

01:28:52Marc:I got to get back to work on Monday shooting the show, but I've got some few episodes in the can.

01:28:58Marc:I'm still doing some episodes, working hard on the second season.

01:29:04Marc:Let's just ease into the new year.

01:29:05Marc:There's going to be some changes.

01:29:06Marc:They're going to be gradual.

01:29:08Marc:Nothing dramatic.

01:29:10Marc:Just going to try to branch out.

01:29:11Marc:Come February, going to start doing some new things with the show.

01:29:13Marc:Get out into the world a little more again.

01:29:15Marc:Talk to some different types of people.

01:29:17Marc:Such a powerful response to the Phil Stutz episode.

01:29:21Marc:I thought maybe I should be talking to more people that have interesting takes on how to view life.

01:29:29Marc:Thank you for being here.

01:29:30Marc:Release the bats.

01:29:33Marc:Then there's nothing more appropriate to do that than with some Black Sabbath music, perhaps.

01:29:42Marc:I think once I stop this weird midlife headbanging, all will be good in my world.

01:29:47Marc:I mean, it's great to do it, but it is a symptom if you're 50 years old and headbanging.

01:29:56Marc:I have to see it as a symptom.

01:29:58Marc:Doesn't mean I can't enjoy it, but I seem to need it right now.

01:30:04Marc:Okay.

01:30:06Marc:Boomer lives!