Episode 439 - Eddie Izzard, Trevor Noah, Tig Notaro, Big Jay Oakerson, Seth Meyers
Guest:Are we doing this?
Marc:Really?
Marc:Wait for it.
Marc:Are we doing this?
Marc:Wait for it.
Marc:Pow!
Marc:What the fuck?
Marc:WTF.
Marc:And it's also, eh, what the fuck?
Marc:What's wrong with me?
Marc:It's time for WTF.
Marc:What the fuck?
Marc:With Mark Marrow.
Marc:All right, let's do this.
Marc:How are you, what the fuckers?
Marc:What the fuck buddies?
Marc:What the fuck?
Marc:What the fuck-an-ucks?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:This is WTF Live from the Just for Laughs Comedy Festival in Montreal, Canada.
Marc:Is that how you say it?
Marc:What part of Canada are we in?
Marc:Quebec.
Marc:So Montreal, Quebec, Canada.
Marc:All right, let's not just stop the momentum here, all right?
Marc:Everyone was laughing and clapping, and I act like an asshole, and now, what, we're here?
Marc:This is what we're doing?
Marc:We have to get this show.
Marc:We got an hour to do this show, and as you know, I'll usually noodle on about myself for at least 20 minutes until people are like, all right, we know you have problems.
Marc:And then, you know, you gradually bring guests out and have a very sort of, you know, non-time specific thing for each guest.
Marc:But we're on a very tight schedule.
Marc:And I don't have much to, I can't use the time up front to meander and just, you know, talk about myself.
Marc:That being said.
Marc:I'm happy to be up here.
Marc:I come up here a lot.
Marc:I like Montreal.
Marc:It's beautiful.
Marc:I don't really know what's going on in the city.
Marc:I know that you insist that your bagels are better.
Marc:I don't know.
Marc:I know that you insist that the smoked meat is better.
Marc:Okay.
Marc:I think what you're insisting is that somehow Canadian Jews are better than ours, and I don't know if that's true from my experience.
Marc:I have experienced something that I am enjoying a lot, which is the French mispronunciation of my name.
Marc:It's fucking great.
Marc:Like, my name, for some reason, like, you look at it, it's M-A-R-O-N.
Marc:How would you pronounce that?
Marc:Marin.
Marc:There's no other way to pronounce that.
Marc:No, that, well, that's right, but for my entire life, people insist that I'm Irish with Moran, or they say Marin, or Moran, or Moron, ha-ha.
Marc:But, um...
Marc:But now I was at the airport at the gate, and the woman's like, could Mr. Marron please come to the counter?
Marc:I'm like, I think that's me.
Marc:I am Mr. Marron.
Marc:And I'm like, why don't I pronounce it like that?
Marc:Because then people start speaking French to me, and then I've got to look like that idiot.
Marc:I feel ashamed of my... I just want you to know this as a place that speaks French, that I am not like an angry American in insisting that people know how to speak English because everyone knows how to speak English, but I feel like a fucking idiot when that moment comes where someone starts speaking in French and then I go, uh, no.
Marc:No.
Marc:Or you just sort of try to carry on the conversation.
Marc:I'll have the hamburger.
Marc:No.
Marc:And then they're like, it's that moment where they look at you and go, yeah.
Marc:Like that's the part that I feel bad about.
Marc:There's that beat where they're like, oh, one of them.
Marc:Maybe I'm reading into it.
Marc:I don't know.
Marc:But Marron, I'll stick with that.
Marc:What else?
Marc:I'll read one email because I actually found one.
Marc:We have a great show, by the way.
Marc:Thank you for coming.
Marc:It's nice to see you.
Marc:Thanks for fucking up my imaginary picture.
Marc:This is an email I'm going to read you.
Marc:And it was sort of Canada-specific, so I thought I lucked out.
Marc:So I'm taking my afternoon nap.
Marc:Nothing better, right?
Marc:I have a dream that I'm hanging out with you in a hotel lobby like we're best friends or something.
Marc:I notice the band Rush is there and immediately begin freaking out because they are one of my favorites.
Marc:Alex Leifson, is that how you pronounce it?
Leifson.
Marc:Thank you, Rushhead.
Marc:Alex Lifeson is propped up against a glass door talking on the phone.
Marc:Like the douche that I am, I approach him to strike up a conversation.
Marc:You somehow appear behind the glass door and pretend to dry hump him.
Marc:When he notices, you play it off like it didn't happen.
Marc:Alex calls you on it, and you get all defensive and then go off on a rant and storm off.
Marc:He looks at me for an explanation, and I explain sometimes you get like that.
Marc:which just tips Alex off that you and I are connected.
Marc:Later in the dream, I try to get a picture with the band.
Marc:Giddy and Neil are cool with it, but Alex will have nothing to do with me.
Marc:I can only assume he doesn't like to be pretend dry humped behind a glass door.
Marc:Great.
Marc:I was going to have my picture taken with my favorite band, if only in my mind, and you fucked it all up by being a prankster.
Marc:If we ever meet, I'm going to either pretend to dry hump you...
Marc:Or get my picture taken with you.
Marc:Although if I could see you pretend dry hump Alec Lifeson, I'd take that instead.
Marc:Darren.
Marc:That was very nice of Darren.
Marc:Rush is like, they're from here.
Marc:I know that.
Marc:And I'd like to consider that a contribution to music.
Marc:Except that I did not like them.
Marc:I have no problem with them.
Marc:They're very experienced musicians.
Marc:They seem to be getting a lot done on stage, and they make a point of that.
Marc:There's a lot of equipment involved.
Marc:There's a certain attitude to it.
Marc:But quite honestly, I don't even know if I've told this story.
Marc:Here's my Rush story, and it has to do with Alex Lifeson.
Marc:Is it Lifeson?
Marc:Fine.
Marc:I ended up seeing Rush three or four times in high school because my best friend was into Rush and I couldn't wrap my brain around it.
Marc:Then one time I worked for a company that catered concerts and Rush was the concert and we got the food prepared for them.
Marc:And we're just food guys.
Marc:We're just serving food to fucking rock stars, right?
Marc:But Alec Lifeson apparently likes to practice on a classical guitar before he goes on stage.
Marc:So he sits in a little room by himself.
Marc:I even think he had one of those silly classical guitar wooden foot things that you rest your foot on.
Marc:And he's just noodling around in there.
Marc:And then the guy who runs the restaurant I work for goes, Alex needs a fan because he's hot.
Marc:Could you drive to my house 25 miles away and get Alex a fan so he can play comfortably?
Marc:And I'm like, we're serving fucking food.
Marc:Why is this my problem?
Marc:And he's like, do you want a job?
Marc:And I'm like, yeah.
Marc:He goes, go get Alex a fan.
Marc:So I drove 25 miles and back and brought Alex's fan.
Marc:And that's why I don't like Rush.
Marc:All right, let's do it.
Marc:Let's get this show going.
Marc:My first guest is the anchor on Weekend Update on SNL, Saturday Night Live.
Marc:He is now transitioning into a new job where he has to actually talk to people.
Marc:Please welcome Seth Meyers to the stage.
Guest:Thank you.
Guest:Hello, Steph.
Guest:How far away are you going to be?
Guest:I feel like here, right?
Guest:You want to sit there?
Guest:I feel like this is too far for a guest.
Guest:That's probably a little far.
Guest:So I got to go here.
Marc:But you know what?
Marc:In stagecraft, I think it would balance things out if you were way over there, but that's fine.
Guest:If it was just for radio, I could sit there.
Guest:No, but there are people here right in front of us.
Marc:So I think I got to stay here.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:It's nice to see you.
Marc:It's good to see you again as well.
Marc:Do you come to Canada often?
Marc:I don't come that often, no.
Marc:Are you afraid?
Guest:Not afraid.
Guest:Well, I grew up like four hours south of here in New Hampshire, and so we used to come up here like when we were 18.
Guest:Just to get fucked up?
Guest:Well, yeah.
Guest:For galas.
Guest:Uh-huh.
Guest:For comedy galas.
Guest:Wait, so you were...
Guest:There's galas all over the country.
Guest:Yeah, but in America, you have to be 21 to go to galas.
Guest:Oh.
Guest:So here.
Guest:Oh, so it was 18 up here?
Guest:It was 18, yeah.
Guest:It still is?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:No wonder there's so much trouble walking around.
Guest:So... As an 18-year-old driving through the border, you think you're going to get asked more questions about why you're coming?
Guest:Like, you forget it's legal to drink here, so you get really tight at the border?
Guest:Like, 18, going to Montreal.
Guest:All right, let me get... What's your parents' number?
LAUGHTER
Guest:So you guys would just drive up to get shit-faced?
Guest:Yeah, pretty much, yeah.
Guest:Yes, I mean, I would love to pretend not, but yes.
Guest:And then drive back just sort of like with one eye covered so you could see the road properly?
Guest:I mean, it's adventurous.
Guest:You really want to get fucked up.
Guest:You really want it if you've got to drive four hours.
Marc:Which town did you go to?
Marc:Here.
Marc:Oh, you just came to Montreal.
Marc:Now, was there strip clubs involved?
Guest:We didn't go to strip clubs.
Guest:We weren't that cool.
Marc:You weren't that cool?
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:You weren't that craven.
Marc:It's a fine line.
Marc:Yeah, craven, I guess.
Marc:Thank you for not making it about cool.
Marc:So what did you do?
Marc:Just wander around?
Guest:Yeah, we would just wander around and find beer and stuff.
Guest:Do you speak French?
Guest:No, but my mother is... You brought your mother with you?
Guest:I could have.
Guest:My mother... Mom, we're going to go get fucked up.
Guest:Can you come translate for us?
Guest:But then, like, once you order for us, you've got to get out of the way.
Guest:I don't want you to just be hovering.
Guest:You order?
Guest:And then out.
Guest:Wait in the car.
Guest:You're driving.
Guest:And then we'll be out, and then we'll drive to the next place.
Guest:You come in, you order, back in the car.
Guest:My mom's a middle school French teacher, so she would kill it here.
Guest:And you don't know French?
Guest:And I don't know French, and she was my middle school French teacher.
Guest:I took it for years in high school, like four years in high school, a year in college, terrible.
Marc:So you're actually, if your mother's your teacher, you have to rebel somehow.
Marc:I, yeah.
Marc:So were you just like a disappointment?
Guest:I was a terrible student all across all.
Marc:Was there ever a moment where you're in class and your mom has you to say or read what you're supposed to do and there was that, Seth Meyers!
Guest:No.
Guest:Son.
Guest:My mom's a real softy.
Guest:And our house was like the house all the kids would come to.
Guest:So she knew like all the kids in the class.
Guest:And so it was impossible.
Guest:It was like people she'd already... It was very hard to like yell at people you've already like made waffles for after slumber parties.
Marc:So what, and she still didn't give you a good grade?
Guest:I'm sure she bumped it up a little bit.
Guest:And my brother, who was a grade student, she gave him French student of the year.
Guest:It was an award at our school that you give out.
Guest:And I was like, you can't do that.
Guest:And she's completely blind to any motherly, having that sort of... What did he end up doing, that guy?
Guest:My brother?
Guest:He's a comedian and actor as well.
Guest:He's out in L.A.
Guest:Oh, really?
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:So both of you didn't, you know, so that didn't pay off for either of you.
Guest:No, it turns out, you can know French, you can not know French, you're going to still go into this crazy business of comedy.
Guest:Into show business.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Are they all right with it?
Marc:Is your mother happy about it?
Marc:My parents are thrilled, yeah.
Marc:Yeah?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:All right, so you're transitioning out of this anchor position.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:This is a big job, Seth.
Marc:It is a big job, yeah.
Marc:Now, like, I know that I'm not going to ask you to talk smack on Lorne Michaels.
Yeah.
Marc:I know he's your benefactor.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:And the king of show business.
Marc:The king of show business.
Marc:And you have absolutely nothing but lovely things to say about him.
Guest:No, he is slowly taking over show business.
Guest:He's like a Canadian sleeper cell.
Guest:Like, he, like, went up there and he's very slowly built.
Guest:And then, like, all of a sudden you're going to see, like, very, like, subtle at first, like, pro-Canadian messaging and late-night television across all.
Guest:And you'll realize, oh, we gave him too much power.
Yeah.
Guest:It is pretty fucking amazing, isn't it?
Guest:It's amazing that... He's got the Tonight Show, and he's moving it to New York.
Guest:He's a guy... I mean, he is the phoenix in that there's so many times that people have written, certainly about SNL, it's over, it's over.
Guest:He's lost his time.
Guest:And you could argue now he's got more pull than any time in his career, which is crazy.
Guest:He's Lorne Michaels.
Guest:He is Lorne Michaels.
Marc:He's the king of everything.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:So he's shitty, though, somehow.
Guest:No, he's not.
Guest:All right.
Guest:I will say this, because I feel like I need to give you something.
Marc:No one ever does.
Marc:I'm just baiting all of you until he takes notice and he does my fucking podcast.
Marc:Like, all I want, I think I need personal closure.
Marc:I would like it if he just had me in his office, sat me down, I set up my mics, and he goes, I really need you to shut the fuck up.
Marc:That would be spectacular.
Guest:Wow.
Guest:Well, look, nobody wants Lorne on WTF more than I do.
Guest:Really?
Guest:I would love it.
Guest:That would be a fascinating hour.
Marc:Well, you see him.
Marc:Can you call him?
Marc:Can we call him now?
Marc:Can we mic it?
Marc:There's no way.
Guest:There's literally no way he would take my call.
Guest:I can't call him because he would think something terrible had happened.
Guest:I've never called him.
Guest:This is terrible.
Guest:This is not terrible.
Guest:Tell him... I'm not saving my, like, I'm calling Lorne for the first time when I'm under arrest in a foreign country.
Guest:Like, I'm not waiting, because, like, this guy... Is there a cop in here?
Marc:Can we get this going?
Marc:One cop.
Marc:All I need is one Canadian cop to arrest Seth Meyers on this show, and we can call Lorne Michaels from this venue right now.
Marc:Come on, he was drinking underage in your country.
Guest:No, legally.
Guest:No, no, you were 17.
Guest:You were 17.
Marc:You were 17.
Guest:I got a fake.
Guest:I got a fake to make me 18.
Guest:See?
Guest:See?
Guest:What?
Guest:No, you didn't have a fake one?
Guest:No.
Guest:So what were you going to tell me?
Guest:I think Lauren is just slightly, I do think as a person who it's very hard for people to wrap their head around, he's a little shy when you first meet him.
Guest:That's the big dish?
Guest:Well, no, I'm just saying.
Marc:You're like, oh my God, you heard it here first.
Marc:Lauren Michaels is shy.
Guest:The scandal.
Guest:In Canada, that's scandalous.
Guest:We have a different level of what counts as scandal here.
Marc:I believe that.
Marc:I believe that's true.
Marc:He's shy and extremely calculating and powerful and evil on some level.
Guest:I just said shy and you spun it out.
Guest:Now you made it sound like I set up the rest.
Marc:Look, I'm a very shy person, but that doesn't stop me from engaging in a negative way.
Guest:That's true.
Guest:That's true.
Marc:so what I'm saying is with that mathematics that you're saying Lorne Michaels is an evil guy no no I appreciate your attempt to say something negative that didn't really happen right and I don't really want negativity I just like it's my belief and I'm slowly believing that it's untrue that inside everybody is just this angry horrible little thing that is screaming all the time right I don't necessarily think I have that laughter
Guest:I will say, don't get me wrong, I went to like, for five years, I had, I know I've been on, this is my, I've been on SNL for 12 years.
Guest:For five years, I had very little relationship with Lauren.
Guest:I was terrified by him.
Guest:He was just a guy you walked by and tried nothing.
Guest:Walked by, and a lot of times he made decisions that I was really unhappy about.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:As far as, you know, how we did the stuff I had written for the show.
Guest:Having gotten to the other side of that and watching him do it to other people, I do think he has a plan.
Guest:I do think he believes that the audience has to know you to a certain degree before you can succeed with certain kind of sketches.
Guest:And so what I thought was just cruelty is actually a guy who I think really does know how that show works.
Marc:Right.
Marc:So that's sort of like parents.
Marc:Yes.
Marc:Where you're like, fuck you, Dad.
Marc:And then years later, it's like, thank God he told me not to do that.
Marc:Absolutely.
Marc:Absolutely.
Guest:Well, there were things that I, you know, as a writer on the show my first five years, I would keep resubmitting.
Guest:Keep resubmitting.
Marc:Like he didn't know?
Marc:Like you kept turning in the same paper?
Guest:Well, no, you're allowed to resubmit on the show.
Guest:You can, like, say, like, I think it'll work better with this host.
Guest:And then, you know, now on the other side of it, when there are people who keep resubmitting, you just want to sit them down and go, we're never going to do this sketch.
Yeah.
Guest:Every time you turn this in as you're writing for the week, you are stealing money from a network.
Guest:Which isn't the worst people to steal from, but still.
Marc:That's right.
Marc:A lot of people make an entire life out of that.
Marc:That's true.
Marc:That's true.
Marc:All right, so here's what I'm going to do with Seth because he is going to be a talk show host.
Marc:I'm going to sort of... I want to help you somehow.
Marc:Thank you.
Marc:So if I do it, because I'm, you know, I'm not the greatest interviewer and sometimes I miss beats.
Marc:So I thought it'd be good practice for you when I have guests up here.
Marc:I'll toss to you.
Marc:Okay.
Marc:You know, when I'm done and you can.
Guest:Try to like use these, hone these new skills in mine.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Okay, great.
Marc:Do you have those skills?
Marc:I mean, I know you.
Guest:I feel pretty, I feel like it'll be good.
Marc:But you're nervous about it, right?
Marc:I mean.
Marc:I'm terrified, yeah.
Marc:All right.
Marc:So Seth is going to stay up here and that's Seth Meyers, ladies and gentlemen.
Woo!
Woo!
Marc:You don't have to go so far away.
Marc:All right, do what you want.
Guest:I think this... All right, all right.
Guest:I feel like this is the right staging.
Guest:All right.
Marc:Do you want to host your own show on that couch?
Guest:When you're done introducing your next guest, I'll introduce my first guest.
Guest:And on stage left with Seth Meyers.
Marc:Oh, you've got to call a show that.
Marc:Stage left with Seth Meyers.
Marc:This is weird, right?
Marc:I feel like we should be doing Godot or something right now.
Marc:My next guest is a very funny man.
Marc:He's been on the show before.
Marc:He has some amazingly crass and wonderful stories.
Marc:Please welcome the lovely Big Jay Oakerson to the stage.
Marc:Big Jay.
Marc:Take your time getting up here, Jay.
Marc:That's all right.
Marc:Just amble up at your own pace.
Marc:Thank you, buddy.
Marc:Look at that.
Marc:It's Big J. Give us some heroic adventures of horror that you've had.
Marc:The last time I saw you before you did my show the first time was up here in that strip bar doing your one-man show.
Marc:The tranny strip bar.
Guest:I like to feel at home when I'm telling stories.
Guest:Is it weird to have a co-host on either side of me?
Guest:No, it's going to work out fine.
Guest:Ed McMahon never had a microphone.
Marc:But all he had to do was laugh.
Marc:It's true.
Marc:So wait, okay, so trannies, do you still call them that?
Guest:Do I still call them that?
Guest:No, I mean, I know them by name now, so I say Diane.
Guest:I want to say, hey, tranny.
Guest:I'll be like, hey, Diane slash Jim.
Guest:I got my dick touched by a tranny once.
Guest:Once?
Guest:Once.
Guest:Uh-huh.
Guest:It was more than touched, but it was tugged, actually.
Guest:But I wasn't into it, if that makes it seem less gay.
Guest:It was in a porn store, and I thought it was a girl.
Guest:I shouldn't have, but I did.
Guest:Maybe I wanted to believe.
Yeah.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:And I was in a porn store.
Guest:I was just killing time because that's what I had to do.
Guest:I drove to Times Square to do a show.
Guest:Sure.
Guest:I drove and I found parking way quick.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:But I gave myself like an hour.
Guest:And I found parking right away.
Guest:I was like, well, I got to kill some time.
Guest:I'm at Times Square.
Guest:I'll go into a porn store.
Guest:Sure.
Guest:And there was what I believe to be a woman in there.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Which was uncomfortable because I was looking at some pretty... I was in the German section.
Guest:Yeah.
Yeah.
Guest:I get what you're saying.
Guest:Filthy, filthy.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I'm not going to buy anything.
Guest:I have the internet.
Guest:I'm not broke.
Guest:So I'm just trying to see what, you know, looking for some keywords to look up later.
Marc:But when you look at that German port, it's out of morbid fascination.
Marc:It's not sort of like, I need this.
Marc:Yeah, I'm not into it.
Guest:I'm not not into it.
Guest:But I'm not looking at it for the same reason I'm looking at, like, a hot chick fucking a dude.
Guest:Like, I want to see, like, oh, wow.
Guest:Someone for money will let someone else shit on them.
Guest:Like, that's crazy.
Guest:And if you're going to do it, someone's got to watch it.
Guest:So why not help out?
Guest:That's your angle.
Guest:It's called helping the cause.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:If we don't keep scat porn alive...
Guest:Where does it go?
Marc:This is a world where all expressions should be engaged and excited.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And I felt judged by this woman.
Guest:Mm hmm.
Guest:And she goes, what are you doing here?
Guest:Which is a weird question asking a porn store.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And I was like, so she didn't say you found parking fast.
Guest:Let me guess.
Guest:No, she didn't know.
Guest:I've seen your type before.
Guest:You found a spot right away.
Guest:In fairness, that was very good.
Guest:This is going to help him so much.
Guest:He's going to do great.
Guest:I think when you're in a porn store and a girl starts judging, it's a weird question to ask, what are you doing?
Guest:I don't look like I'm super out of place in a porn store.
Guest:I wasn't wearing like a suit and like, oh, wow.
Guest:Some executive decided to wander into the German porn section.
Marc:No, you're the kind of guy that people are like, he works here.
Guest:He's just off right now.
Guest:Yeah, for a second, she's like, what are you doing here?
Guest:I was going to be like, why, do you need some help?
Guest:I'm not the guy, but I know this place pretty well.
Guest:What are you looking for, the rubber fist?
Guest:Downstairs, aisle three.
Guest:I've pirused them before.
Guest:She's like, what do you do?
Guest:I'm looking at porn, and so I'm trying to turn, take the power back.
Guest:I go, what are you doing here?
Guest:And she goes, well, I'm here.
Guest:I service men in the back booths.
Guest:Now, I say this only because I'm a piece of shit enough to tell you.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:If I was interested in doing this, I would just say that.
Guest:I was like, oh, how much?
Guest:Because I want to do it.
Guest:Right.
Guest:I was saying how much because I got 45 minutes to kill.
Guest:And I want to just get this fucking weird back room of a porn store hooker story.
Guest:Right.
Guest:So you're rationalizing this as research.
Guest:Right.
Guest:yeah i mean maybe i'll go talk about it no desire in your heart for this thing what am i gonna jump into it with a tranny i don't even know no yes yes i was still calling this one tranny whatever tranny but i thought it was a girl and she goes i service men in the back booths and i go how much what does that cost
Guest:Pure research.
Guest:What does that cost?
Guest:I like the attitude on it.
Marc:What is that?
Marc:How much is that?
Guest:I'm not even building it up.
Guest:For that service.
Guest:I'm not even building it up.
Guest:It was that aggressive because I felt so judged by her.
Guest:I'm like, well, you're in here too, motherfucker.
Guest:What's your deal?
Guest:I go, how much does that cost?
Guest:And she goes, I can't tell you.
Guest:She goes, I got to make sure you're not a cop.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Which I think is bullshit.
Guest:I think that ask a hooker if she's a cop, she has to tell you.
Guest:Then what's undercover mean?
Guest:Yeah, exactly.
Guest:You're undercover with a mob for 20 years.
Guest:No one's like, oh, I never asked you, Nick.
Guest:Are you a cop?
Guest:No.
Guest:Son of a bitch.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Man, we had some good times over this last 20 years.
Guest:So I go, she's got to make sure you're not a cop.
Guest:And I go, I'm not.
Guest:And she goes, no, I got to touch your dick, which I thought was like an over the pants grab, which.
Marc:So this is her version of the sort of like smoke out of the bong.
Marc:So we know you're not a cop.
Guest:It's like whip out of your dick.
Guest:So I know you're not a cop.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Like, let me suck it.
Guest:So you're not jump street.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:So I go, yeah, go ahead.
Guest:I thought it was going to be over the pants.
Guest:She goes, no, I got to reach down your pants.
Guest:So I pull them out a little bit.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And she reaches down, and I was expecting more just like a graze.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I like you.
Guest:At every level, you expected so much less.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:At every stage of this, you were still shocked at how the tranny in the porn store was behaving.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Still thought I was a chick.
Guest:You didn't know yet.
Guest:Still thought I was a chick.
Guest:This is behavior I would expect from a tranny.
Guest:But from a chick in a porn store, maybe she's just trying to spice up a relationship.
Guest:So she reaches down my pants in an angle of wrist that I couldn't even guess.
Guest:Like reaching down and then she started... So in that moment you were impressed with her ability to reach into your pants at a certain angle?
Guest:No, in that moment I was embarrassed that my dick wasn't harder and she was really grabbing just a nub.
Guest:Just a...
Guest:You were afraid you were disappointed?
Guest:Yeah, I was like, oh, I wish this was a bigger dick.
Guest:To show this, I think, chick.
Guest:and she's pulling down and she starts like very like like a sultry voice she's like you'd like it do you love that and i was like and i was like okay how much does it cost and she goes now you gotta touch me and she lifted up her she had like it was like a homeless person almost yeah
Guest:Like a woman who was wearing a giant sweater with a button-down shirt underneath and a T-shirt under that with Bugs Bunny and Tasmanian Devil wearing Colorado Rockies jerseys backwards.
Guest:This is all things only a guy would wear.
Guest:Right?
Guest:But I thought, you know, it was like a Tuesday.
Marc:What's she dressed up for?
Marc:But clearly not a tranny who put any effort at all into appearing like a woman.
Marc:So what made you think, to begin with, that she was a woman?
Marc:She said it.
Marc:She had long hair.
Guest:No beard.
Guest:So, okay.
Guest:When someone says, I'm a woman, be suspicious.
Guest:They say those words.
Guest:She just pretty much, the voice was kind of girly.
Guest:Here's the thing.
Guest:I'm just kind of like, it's when you're talking to someone you don't want to talk to too much.
Guest:So I'm just kind of giving them like the, oh, yeah, yeah, great.
Guest:I kind of just wanted to get back to looking for keywords to Google later for porn.
Guest:And she goes, you got to touch my titty.
Guest:Which, by the way, she touched my dick.
Guest:I thought pussy would have been the fair trade.
Guest:Yeah, sure.
Guest:But it turns out she was a dude.
Guest:But she... Are we leading to you finding that out?
Guest:Oh, yeah.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:This wasn't like a later on in the night, I was like, that was probably a dude.
Guest:It was confirmation.
Guest:She goes, uh... She goes, uh, you gotta touch my titties.
Guest:So she lifts up this, and just these awful, what I would describe, similar to my tits.
Guest:And she goes, you gotta touch it.
Guest:And they were so gross that I actually did like a half look away and just... I flicked it like... Remember behind the door when you were a kid, that thing on a spring where you go... I gave it one of those, just an away look there.
Guest:Did it go... It's official.
Guest:No.
Guest:No, it didn't at all.
Guest:It just stayed real firm.
Guest:And I go, for the love of God, how much?
Guest:Let's get this over with.
Guest:I'm not even gonna do it.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And I feel like no one believed that.
Guest:I wasn't going to do it.
Guest:I go, how much?
Guest:And she goes, $50.
Guest:And then my mom, like, that's a lot.
Guest:Because this chick is pretty fucking weird looking.
Guest:And then I go, oh, so, yeah, maybe later.
Guest:I'm doing a show.
Guest:I don't know why I'm telling my life so much.
Guest:I'm doing a show.
Guest:And then I get paid.
Guest:Maybe I'll swing.
Guest:I'm not going to swing back.
Guest:but maybe I'll come back and so I just start going back looking at porn trying to get away from her now and she starts following me telling me how nice I am over and over you're so nice you're just so nice and I'm like thank you and she goes you're really nice I should probably tell you what I am and I was like yeah like a hooker like I get that
Guest:And she goes, no, no, no.
Guest:And she just points to a box of porn.
Guest:And I don't know why I was in this section, but she points to a box.
Guest:It's chicks with dicks.
Guest:And I look at her and I go, I make that face of like, huh?
Guest:And she just goes...
Guest:just an affirmative nod and i know i think a lot of guys like talk they have the conversation about that possibly happening to them yeah and most dudes especially when i was younger i remember it's like oh i wish i'd knock that motherfucker out and kick his dick that's bad it's not what i i giggled
Guest:I looked at my watch like that meant something and I just fucking jogged out of the store.
Guest:Started jogging in the store.
Guest:I was like, ha ha.
Guest:You.
Guest:Whoa.
Guest:And I just.
Marc:Jay Oakerson, ladies and gentlemen.
Marc:All right.
Marc:So how are we going to do it now?
Marc:Do you have anything else?
Guest:No.
Marc:Okay.
Guest:Seth Meyers has no questions about getting your dick touched by a tranny.
Guest:I do.
Guest:I will say I'm happy that she was in a porn store when she could point at a box because there's so many times where there's nothing to point at.
Marc:Right.
Marc:And they just have to say it.
Guest:Right.
Marc:Or just take it out.
Guest:That's probably why she hangs out there.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:I'm one of them.
Guest:I guess she could have pointed at her own dick and gave like a whatever shoulder.
Marc:It's like...
Marc:My next guest, is Tig here?
Marc:Oh, awesome.
Marc:One of the best comedians in the country, and I love seeing her, and you know her.
Marc:I'm not good at intros.
Marc:Tig Notaro, ladies and gentlemen.
Marc:Hello.
Marc:How are you doing?
Marc:Let me give you a microphone.
Marc:Here, over here.
Marc:In touch, Jay.
Marc:Okay.
Marc:You can sit right here.
Marc:Don't go too far away.
Marc:This is a weird setup.
Guest:Is my mic on?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:How are you?
Marc:I'm good.
Marc:How are you?
Marc:I haven't seen you in a long time.
Guest:I know.
Marc:A lot has happened.
Guest:What happened?
Marc:I heard things.
Guest:Yeah, things happen.
Marc:How are you?
Guest:I'm good.
Marc:Health is good?
Guest:Health is good.
Guest:I'm in remission.
Guest:Congratulations.
Guest:Thank you.
Guest:That's amazing.
Marc:Feels good.
Marc:Let's talk about it a little bit since I brought it up.
Marc:Sure.
Marc:Do you feel a responsibility now to talk about it a lot?
Guest:The cancer?
Guest:I mean, I feel, you know, it's not a responsibility.
Guest:I feel lucky.
Guest:Right.
Guest:I went through everything that I went through, and what I realized was that I was the perfect person to go through everything I went through.
Guest:Really?
Guest:Just because I had...
Guest:Money saved.
Guest:I had work ahead of me.
Guest:I had friends and family.
Guest:And I just had options.
Guest:I had health insurance.
Guest:And going through everything that I did, you know, twice I thought I was going to die from two different things.
Guest:What was the first one?
Guest:It's called C. diff.
Guest:And it's a bacteria that eats your digestive tract.
Guest:And I was hospitalized and I lost 20 pounds.
Guest:And nobody knows what that is.
Guest:So it was a very isolating thing.
Guest:I guess I'm dying, you know?
Guest:And it just was, I don't know, getting through all of that.
Guest:And then getting cancer, everybody knows what that is, so they're like, oh.
Guest:We understand cancer.
Guest:Yeah, we understand what cancer is.
Guest:But C. diff is not as well known.
Guest:But going through that, I just feel so lucky to have made a positive impact and that I can...
Guest:Just to be helpful in any way that I can.
Guest:It's not a responsibility.
Guest:It's more that people also ask if I'm bummed that I'm associated with that.
Guest:With cancer?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:A lot of people keep it under wraps and don't come out about it.
Guest:But I feel lucky.
Guest:I feel lucky that I'm tied to ultimately a positive thing.
Marc:Yeah, and any time you talk about it, especially your story, people are like, oh, God.
Marc:It makes people who are going through it or people who have family members going through it.
Marc:It's very empowering and it's a great story.
Guest:And even people that aren't going through cancer, they're going through other things.
Marc:They will.
Marc:You all have it.
Marc:Yeah, it's only a matter of time, about 90% of you.
Marc:Okay, deal with it.
Guest:But, yeah, I'm in a really good place, and I feel nothing but lucky, whereas I really felt tremendously unlucky for a long time.
Guest:Well, that's interesting.
Marc:You're like, oh, my God, why me?
Marc:Fuck this.
Guest:Well, it wasn't why me.
Guest:It was just, you know, odds and random things that happen in the world.
Guest:I was like, wow, it's happening to me.
Guest:Yeah, yeah.
Guest:The odds are not in my favor.
Guest:Right.
Guest:At all right now, you know.
Marc:Did you have any moments where when you had it, like...
Marc:Was there, outside of being lucky, was there a life change?
Marc:Did you decide, make decisions?
Marc:Like, all right, from here on out, I'm going to do this.
Marc:Or from here on out, was there a change that happened in your brain?
Marc:Was there an appreciation of things that changed or anything like that?
Guest:Well, I always tell people that I feel like such a weird person for this to have happened to because I don't think anyone in my life would have said, you know who needs a serious wake-up call?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:yeah we should probably if only tig could get cancer and her mother could trip and die and she could get see you know like go through a breakup like that's who needs it is tig because before that i was i was relatively happy i was okay with my career i wasn't you know i was fine um but after everything happened it was just it
Guest:All I can really say is I just feel a little more keenly aware of things, but only a little more.
Marc:Oh, you're not like, I've never tasted food so good and none of that kind of stuff?
Guest:I do that all the time anyway.
Guest:Like any time I eat, I'm like, oh my God, this is unbelievable.
Guest:But no, there is a weird feeling of sometimes I feel like I'm hovering in situations.
Marc:You can fly now?
Guest:A little bit, yeah, while I'm eating and spilling food on people.
Marc:You just find yourself a couple of people.
Guest:Oh, my God, sorry about that.
Guest:But, yeah, no, I feel like I'm hovering sometimes in moments where there's so much that I went through that it gives me this very bizarre perspective on life and where I just am like, everything is going to be okay.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Even if it's not okay, it's okay.
Guest:It has to be, right?
Guest:It has to be.
Guest:There were so many times.
Guest:In four months, I had to keep surrendering to the situations that happened in my life.
Guest:And I had pneumonia, then I had C. diff.
Guest:My mother tripped and died.
Guest:I went through a breakup and then was diagnosed with cancer.
Guest:And it was all in four months.
Guest:And it was just, you have to surrender.
Guest:And then you have to be okay with surrendering.
Marc:As opposed to going like, fuck.
Guest:Yeah, it's a waste of time.
Guest:The quicker that you can get to surrendering to reality and living in reality, it brings acceptance and happiness in a way that...
Guest:You can't if you're screaming the whole way.
Guest:There's a time and place to scream, and people always use the word bravery as soon as you're diagnosed with cancer.
Guest:And I remember my mother had just died, and I'd just gone through a breakup and just gotten out of the hospital.
Guest:I was like, you have cancer also.
Guest:And I was like, great.
Oh, my God.
Guest:I was just like in fetal position.
Marc:Bravely in fetal position.
Guest:Crying.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And I kept thinking, you know, if the military was just like, okay, we're down one.
Guest:We need someone.
Guest:We need a real brave one.
Guest:You know.
Guest:They barge into my place.
Guest:And I'm like, me?
Guest:No.
Guest:I...
Guest:I'm real down and out right now.
Guest:No, you're brave, man.
Guest:Come on.
Guest:We need you on the front lines.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:But I want my mother.
Guest:So I didn't feel brave.
Guest:But I was actually talking to Louis about the idea of bravery.
Guest:And he was just talking about how, you know, it's not about...
Guest:Not feeling scared.
Guest:It's about you know the capacity to to get through With fear right and and Louie said that he was probably paraphrasing Churchill or somebody Louie was always one of these guys.
Marc:Well, he'll read a book on Teddy Roosevelt and somehow apply it to his eating like you know he
Marc:He's got this amazing facility, like, I just read a huge book on Winston Churchill, and I need to walk more.
Marc:He's fascinating like that.
Guest:Well, it was helpful for me, because I was always so embarrassed when people would call me brave, because I thought, if you guys could see me in the reality of my life, I don't think I would be mistaken for brave.
Marc:but did you at a point get through that like I imagine there's like a panic that happens and then like yes there is but when you say surrender to it was that sort of was it a choice I mean were you sort of like I can't this is what it is and it's going to go one way or the other
Guest:Well, it's choosing to live in reality.
Guest:Or if you don't accept your reality, you can go into this anger and this, I think, stunted and stagnant place.
Guest:And so there is a choice where you have to go... I had a double mastectomy as well.
Guest:And I have just scars now across my chest.
Guest:And I...
Guest:That was hard to accept.
Guest:I could have had reconstructive surgery, but my chest was barely anything to begin with.
Guest:So I was just like, come on, who are we fooling there?
Marc:So you didn't take that opportunity to go, look what I got.
Guest:These are new.
Guest:Yeah, porn jugs.
Marc:But you thought about it.
Guest:I did.
Guest:I really thought about it.
Guest:But no, there's a lot of, there's a choice in surrendering.
Guest:It doesn't always come naturally.
Marc:Is there a spiritual element to it or just a practical element to it?
Guest:For me, it's practical.
Guest:I'm not a religious or even, I don't consider myself even spiritual.
Guest:I just, you know, I feel like, okay, the odds are bad and this is rough and oh boy.
Guest:Okay.
Marc:But is there ever a moment where it's sort of like, are we done?
Marc:Am I done?
Marc:Can I have a break now?
Guest:Well, yeah.
Guest:I mean, I certainly, even though to me there was no real God that I was talking to, I did reflect a lot.
Guest:And I put out a CD that I talked about in the live show about that...
Guest:phrase that everybody says of god never gives you more than you can handle and i just remember you know not only to do you have breast cancer it's in both breaths you know it was both like you know and and just thinking about god god never gives you more than you can handle like never you
Guest:To me, the point that I had reached, I was so on my knees in life and beaten down.
Guest:What sicko is up there going, I think she can handle more.
Guest:We can throw another thing.
Guest:And the angel's going, God, no.
Guest:What are you doing?
Guest:No, no, no.
Guest:I never give them more than they can handle.
Guest:I know when to stop.
Guest:I know when to stop.
Guest:What kind of God would do that?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:But there were moments where I was thinking about that through that whole process.
Guest:And just, I wasn't really talking to or thinking there was a God.
Guest:But I just thought, if you do believe in God, like, what?
Ugh.
Guest:It was tough.
Marc:That would complicate things.
Marc:I'll just surrender and deal with reality.
Marc:I'm not going to drag God into this now.
Marc:I think that whole thing, God never gives anyone anything they can't handle.
Marc:It's the same thing as it has to be okay.
Marc:It's for God people.
Marc:It has to be okay because that's reality.
Marc:And people who are like, well, if there's a God, well, he didn't give you anything.
Marc:It's the same thing, I think.
Marc:It's a faith thing.
Marc:Well, I'm glad you're okay, and it's great to see you.
Guest:It's great to see you as well.
Marc:Tig Notaro, ladies and gentlemen.
Marc:You want to move down?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Seth, anything?
Guest:Nothing for Tig, and I'm a little ashamed to say it.
Guest:I have like seven questions I came up with for Jay.
Guest:Let's hold on to it.
Guest:It seems weird to go back to it after.
Marc:After that, yeah.
Marc:We don't want to go back to the porn store.
Marc:Okay.
Marc:is a hell of a transition to begin with.
Guest:I think we did a good job.
Guest:I think we did similar things.
Guest:Sometimes when God hands you a shit deal, you got to giggle, look at your watch and run out of that store and go home and try to wash the left-handed man prints off your dick.
Guest:I mean, you know, it's a metaphor.
Guest:Okay.
Marc:All right, Jay.
Marc:My next guest is like the new global rock star of comedy from South Africa.
Marc:Please welcome Trevor Noah to the stage.
Thank you.
Marc:How are you, my friend?
Marc:I think you're on.
Marc:Very good.
Marc:There you go.
Guest:Hi.
Marc:Hi.
Marc:Do you know everybody?
Marc:Teg, Seth, Jay?
Guest:I'm familiar.
Guest:I've worked with Jay.
Guest:Pleasure to meet you.
Guest:How was that for you, the working with Jay?
Guest:It was fantastic.
Guest:Yeah?
Guest:Was it good for you, Jay?
Guest:Hell yeah.
Marc:Okay.
Marc:So, it's nice to meet you.
Marc:Thank you very much.
Marc:Pleasure to be here.
Marc:Everybody's very excited about your arrival in the world.
Yeah.
Marc:No, I've heard so much about your story, and it's something that I don't... I'm going to have to come at you right from the beginning of things, because I honestly am a... I don't know a lot about South Africa.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:That's most people.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Well, good.
Marc:So I'm not a moron.
Guest:No, no.
Guest:You're American.
Guest:I just know at some point... Not in a bad way.
Guest:It's just Americans, I've learned this, don't know much about the world.
Guest:Look, I was told I wasn't...
Marc:it's just a thing okay i i can take it because you're right you're right but i i do remember being concerned and i remember when i you know i was like 19 i was told never to play sun city but i had no job then so it was not really an issue for me so i was my awareness was raised by that album so i don't i know apartheid's bad yes yeah it was a horrible situation but i don't think anybody american or not american can really understand what you grew up in what was the situation
Guest:Well, apartheid was, it's perfect racism.
Guest:That's what it is.
Guest:It's a model that was formulated over many years where a group of men said, how do we create the perfect racism?
Guest:That was on the board?
Guest:That was literally, that was them brainstorming.
Guest:Hitler did his thing.
Guest:Yeah, they traveled the world.
Guest:They went to places like Australia, looked at their racism with the Aboriginals.
Guest:They went and looked at... The word apartheid is a Dutch word.
Guest:It's never been translated, in fact.
Guest:And it really is... In fact, you could even say it is like apartheid.
Guest:That's what it is.
Guest:You separate people into smaller groups, making them hate one another so that you can run all of them.
Guest:And that's what apartheid was.
Guest:So, like, white people were on top.
Guest:Like,
Guest:Like everywhere in the world.
Guest:But like in this case, it was everyone was separated into their different tribes, different colors, different groups.
Guest:And then those people had nothing.
Guest:So everybody lived in this world.
Guest:But the key thing is black people are the majority in South Africa.
Guest:So, you know, like in America with slavery and everything, the slaves, the black people were the minorities.
Guest:But in South Africa, these people, a small group, were controlling everybody.
Guest:They were running it.
Guest:And the genius of apartheid is you're convincing people that they stand no chance.
Marc:It's a big mind fuck.
Guest:Yeah, basically it is.
Marc:And how did you grow up?
Marc:You're a mixed race.
Guest:Yes, I'm a mixed race.
Guest:I grew up, my mother's a black woman, Hossa woman from South Africa.
Guest:My father's Swiss from Switzerland.
Guest:So they got together during this time.
Guest:There was like an underground movement where people would hang out.
Guest:Like a swingers club?
Guest:No, no, no.
Guest:No, thank you for putting my parents in the swingers club, Mark.
Guest:Thank you.
Guest:Thank you for calling my country retards.
Guest:And so... Touche.
Guest:And...
Guest:That's fitting for Montreal.
Guest:No, there was basically an underground movement.
Guest:There always are underground movements in every country where these things are happening, where people just don't agree with the status quo.
Marc:But were you talking underground in the sense like the Greenwich Village in the late 60s?
Guest:I guess.
Marc:So it wasn't like literally there was a secret handshake.
Guest:No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Guest:It was just people who didn't agree with the law.
Guest:Lots of them were foreigners.
Guest:But there were many black people who didn't understand why this was the way it was.
Guest:And there were many white people who went, this is ridiculous.
Guest:So they would hang out with one another.
Guest:And then that's where my parents met.
Guest:And they did their thing.
Guest:And you know.
Marc:And when you were growing up, I mean, like, how was it?
Marc:Because you couldn't grow up in an underground club.
Marc:No, no, no.
Marc:So, I mean, on a day to day basis, from your earliest memories, what was my earliest memories?
Guest:I remember my mom because we couldn't live in the city.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Black people couldn't live in the cities.
Guest:That was just not allowed.
Guest:Where did they live?
Guest:You lived on the outskirts, like very far out.
Guest:There were townships, like ghettos, you know, the slums.
Guest:So everyone lived there if you were black.
Guest:And then white people lived in the city.
Guest:So black people, you had like a day pass.
Guest:So you come in for the day, you work, and then you leave.
Guest:And then if you were hardcore, you stayed behind and danced underground.
Guest:That's what you were doing.
Guest:So we would come in and then my parents couldn't live together.
Guest:So they came up with weird schemes.
Guest:I don't know why we never just moved to Switzerland, to be honest.
Guest:I don't know.
Guest:I've asked this question many times.
Guest:And my mom, she just didn't think of it as an option.
Guest:What about your dad?
Guest:He's Swiss-German.
Guest:He just thinks the whole world is stupid.
Guest:No, I'm being genuine.
Guest:German is already efficient, but Swiss is clinically efficient.
Guest:So he just doesn't see...
Guest:He couldn't see the discomfort that he was living in?
Guest:No, no, he just thought everyone was stupid.
Guest:He basically, he thought someone who would figure it out sooner or later.
Guest:I think he just figured he'd wait it out.
Guest:That's what he thought.
Guest:He just sat there going, they'll figure it out.
Guest:Soon or later, they can see it's wrong.
Guest:And it was like, after 10 years, he was like, anytime now, anytime now.
Guest:And then he just waited it out.
Guest:Is he still around?
Guest:Yeah, yeah, he is.
Guest:So I guess, does he now say, see, I told you.
Guest:Yeah, he's basically, no, no, but now he's the opposite.
Guest:Now he's like, now it's time to leave.
Guest:Now it's time to leave.
Guest:This country's going to blow up soon.
Guest:So we couldn't live together.
Guest:So they came up with weird schemes.
Guest:Like my mom, through my dad, rented the apartment next door to his apartment.
Guest:And then, but then it was still under his name.
Guest:So he had the lease on both places.
Guest:But then she would dress up and act like his maid, but not like a French maid, nothing sexy about this, like a cleaner, like a slave.
Guest:Practical maid.
Guest:Practical maid.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:No fantasies.
Guest:And so she would act like his maid.
Guest:So when the police would come knocking, then she'd open the door and she'd be like, you know, oh no, the white man's not here.
Guest:Oh, he's not here today.
Guest:And you know, but then I would have to hide because if they saw me, then they'd be like, whoa, who's that?
Guest:Because you can't go, this is the white man's kid, because they'd be like, that's not a white kid.
Guest:Then the jig would be up, basically.
Marc:Was that illegal, though?
Guest:Yes, extremely illegal.
Marc:So if they found you, they would have taken you?
Guest:No, no, no.
Guest:They just arrested my mom.
Guest:They arrested her many times.
Guest:Then I would stay with my gran.
Guest:My mom would be in jail for the weekend.
Guest:Just because she had you?
Guest:Yes.
Guest:Like, it would just be... Well, they didn't register me as South African.
Guest:My birth certificate says I'm from Swaziland, because they didn't... Like, when I was born, then the doctors were just like, uh...
Guest:Genuinely, they were just like, oh, this is awkward.
Guest:And so they just, and then they wrote, and in South Africa, they label everything on your birth certificate.
Guest:Well, they used to.
Guest:So they wouldn't just go, they wouldn't just go Mark Maron and then American, they go Mark Maron, American, white, and then they'll list your tribe and are you Irish or are you, you get what I'm saying?
Guest:I do.
Guest:They break it down.
Guest:So on mine, they just didn't say I was Casa, which technically I am, and they didn't say I was Swiss, which they would not allow.
Guest:They just said, oh, he's from another country.
Guest:He's from another country.
Guest:They're lighter there.
Guest:And so that's what I had.
Guest:And then they just didn't write my father's name in.
Marc:But growing up, I mean, there were other mixed race people.
Marc:I mean, weren't there in the community or at the school?
Guest:No, you see, this is the weird thing in South Africa.
Guest:This is how efficient apartheid was.
Guest:So we have different levels of mixed people.
Guest:So in South Africa, I'm technically referred to as colored.
Guest:That's what they call me.
Guest:I'm a colored person.
Guest:not a derogatory term at all.
Guest:What happened was when the first slave ships arrived and when everyone was fornicating with the natives, these children were born, the mixed children.
Guest:But then they just segregated them into groups.
Guest:So if you were mixed, then you were sent off to be with more mixed people.
Guest:And then you were sent off and the more mixes were... So you were just shipped off to the mix.
Guest:So during apartheid, families were separated from...
Guest:because of the color of their skin like if you as mark yeah had a white woman as your wife and you gave birth to a child that looked like me and let's say just it just happens sometimes not even like no shenanigans or anything yeah i don't know who my great-great-grandfather is exactly yeah and you your kid came out darker there were instances where the government would go that kid is not white
Guest:And then you'd fight it, but then they'd go, your kid's not white.
Guest:And your kid would have to go live in a non-white area.
Guest:That's horrendous.
Guest:So some families would make the sacrifice.
Guest:They'd go, okay, fine, we will live a second-class lifestyle.
Guest:But some were so ridiculous, they were just like, well, good luck, kid.
Guest:And then, no, genuinely, they're going to send the kids off.
Guest:So families were broken apart on many levels.
Marc:And you weren't, though?
Guest:No, no, no.
Guest:I went with my... I took the knock.
Guest:I went to the black side.
Guest:I could have gone to a better place, but I'm not that kind of guy.
I don't know.
Marc:So that was considered a better place, the mixed place?
Guest:Yes.
Guest:So there was actually... Literally, the lighter you got, the better things got for you.
Guest:I'm being dead serious.
Guest:Like, the darker you were, the worse things were.
Guest:They did crazy things.
Guest:Like, if they weren't certain if you were white or not, if you were olivish or Greek or that, then they would conduct experiments to make sure that you were white.
Guest:And one was the pencil test, where they would put a pencil in your hair, and then if the pencil fell out, then you were white.
Wow.
Guest:And then if the pencil stayed in your hair, then you were black.
Guest:And they're like, goodbye.
Marc:Very scientific.
Guest:Yes.
Guest:So until this day, the hair thing is like people are, oh, look at you.
Guest:Good hair.
Guest:That's great hair.
Guest:That hair will keep you out of trouble, my friend.
Guest:And some people just keep their hair short because they're like, I don't ever want to find out.
Marc:Some people have a lifelong fear of pencils.
Yeah.
Guest:So this was the world.
Guest:So I grew up in a world where there was nobody, literally nobody like me in my area.
Guest:I grew up in Soweto, and this was just black.
Guest:It was just black.
Guest:My family black, everyone around me black.
Guest:There was nobody who looked like me.
Guest:How did that play out?
Guest:Did they bully you?
Guest:No, they were just...
Guest:It's a strange thing I've noticed everywhere in the world.
Guest:But when you go to a place where nobody wants to live there, nobody treats you weird for being there.
Guest:Does that make sense?
Guest:No one goes, hey, what are you doing here?
Guest:You're all stuck in the same shit.
Guest:It's a shithole, basically.
Guest:So people, it's less, what are you doing here?
Guest:It's more, what are you doing here?
Guest:It's that.
Guest:It's them going, why would you want to be here?
Guest:Did you not see your skin color?
Guest:You've got a VIP tag.
Guest:Why are you in the main section?
Guest:Go to Golden Circle.
Guest:Have a good time.
Guest:That's what they're thinking.
Guest:Yeah, yeah.
Guest:And so people welcomed me.
Guest:I learned the language.
Guest:I knew I was different, but it was a good life.
Guest:I enjoyed it.
Marc:And where is your citizenship now?
Marc:Still South Africa, still.
Marc:And when you tour with this story, do you find that most people are shocked and amazed that they didn't realize the depth of it?
Guest:Yeah, people always go, we didn't know it was that bad.
Guest:But people say it like they would have done more to help.
Guest:That's my favorite thing.
Guest:Oh, we didn't know.
Guest:We didn't know.
Guest:Is it still like that?
Guest:Because we can come now.
Guest:We can come now, Trevor.
Guest:We can come.
Guest:You're like, no, it's done.
Guest:It's fine.
Guest:Do I just write you a check?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:It's very...
Guest:Look, a lot of people didn't.
Guest:And that's what made the apartheid government so brilliant is even the way they traded.
Guest:Like Reagan was a fan of apartheid.
Guest:Sure.
Guest:He tried to do it here, I think.
Marc:But it's through economic policy.
Guest:But Reagan was a fan.
Guest:Like he would meet with our government and he was just, he was like, how do you do it?
Guest:You're so amazing.
Guest:And they would explain it to him.
Guest:And Margaret Thatcher was a fan.
Guest:She was like, well, I see how this works.
Guest:this is quite nice yeah I understand all of this and that's like a lot of governments were a lot more lenient towards apartheid than they'd have you believe right but because underneath it was you pay nothing to get these resources exactly we can pull this gold and these diamonds how do you do it so cheaply yeah and a lot of governments were intrigued by this so they just carried on you know and then the South African government their PR was fantastic they would say things I remember one speech I think it was Henrik Verwurt he was the architect of apartheid he said
Guest:He said the most fantastic thing, he said, the BBC was interviewing him.
Guest:And he said, they said, but don't you think what you're doing to the black people is really bad?
Guest:You know, the way you're treating them, the way you treat them.
Guest:And he said, you must understand, the native does not have the ability to govern himself.
Guest:Were it not for the white men,
Guest:He would be spearing his brother.
Guest:They would be stabbing one another and hunting lions.
Guest:We have introduced them to the future and we keep them safe.
Guest:And that's what he said.
Marc:Fucking horrendous.
Guest:And so the other governments were like, yeah, I guess you are.
Guest:But people there were like, is he out of his fucking mind?
Guest:People just, you know, and then I guess over time, you know what I believe, over time, no matter how great an evil is, sooner or later, like the people will, you will defeat it.
Guest:Evil can't last it.
Guest:You know what I mean?
Guest:Nature doesn't allow the thing to happen.
Guest:So it was bound to end.
Guest:I'm just glad it ended when it did because I was on the cusp.
Guest:I was very lucky in that I feel like if I lived longer in apartheid, I may have had a lot more anger and hatred.
Guest:My grandfather wasn't a hateful man, but he had not seen a world.
Guest:He called me master, my own grandfather.
Guest:He would never refer to me as Trevor or grandson, or he was just like, Master, where would you like to go?
Guest:And we'd be there in our little Volkswagen Beetle, and he would drive me.
Guest:He wouldn't let me sit in the front with him, because he was like, the white man sits in the back seat.
Guest:And I was like, I'm not white.
Guest:And he was like, very well, Master.
Guest:but this is my own grandfather never treated me the same so he'd take you to ice cream and you'd be in the back eating your ice cream by yourself he did not believe that I was the same so to be entrenched in a system like that I was lucky that I was on the cusp as I formed Apartheid End at Nelson Mandela's president now I see the best of both worlds I appreciate what we've gone through but I also remember what happened so it's a good balance I feel
Marc:Well, it's great to meet you.
Marc:Thanks for coming.
Marc:Thank you.
Marc:Trevor Noah.
Marc:Thank you very much.
Marc:All right.
Marc:I know we're a little late, but we're all right.
Marc:We're all right.
Marc:We'll be done by five after.
Marc:Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the amazing Eddie Izzard to the stage.
Marc:Nice to see you.
Marc:She came up and gave me the sign that we have five left.
Marc:I'm going to interrupt Trevor in the middle of this declaration.
Marc:I'm glad everything worked out for you.
Marc:Anyways, sound like you had a tough time down there.
Marc:This next guy...
Marc:Hi, Eddie.
Marc:Hi.
Marc:Now, you guys know each other.
Marc:I was told before that you have some sort of competition going on.
Marc:Myself and Eddie?
Marc:Yes, about German.
Guest:Not a competition.
Guest:Oh, no, the German thing.
Guest:Well, we're trying to learn German.
Guest:Yes.
Guest:We're both learning German.
Guest:We may as well compete with each other on that, because his dad is Swiss German.
Guest:But if you learn Swiss German, that's a bonkers German, isn't it?
Guest:No, but it's a very restrictive German, because even the Swiss Germans don't all speak Swiss German.
Guest:Could you do this in German, please?
Yes.
Guest:Can I just say as a Jew I'm uncomfortable?
Guest:no no no no hang on this is a very important thing it's you've got to understand that before 33 the Germans were just another imperialist country we were all invaded I know but a lot of things happened Eddie no no no follow my logic on this before 33 it was just Germany Hitler kidnapped a country for 12 years and then since 45 they've tried to be an exemplary nature and do that so for 12 years they went batshit crazy and people bought into this this is what I think on politics I'm going into politics in 7 years so that's my thing and I think he should
Guest:going to politics, actually.
Guest:You're going to go into politics.
Guest:I am going.
Guest:I've announced this years ago, so I'm doing a seven-year run-up.
Guest:It's just the longest run-up in the history.
Guest:Is this the beginning of the campaign?
Guest:I'm campaigning every second of the day.
Guest:But my point, well, I've lost my point now.
Guest:About Germany, about 12 years.
Guest:That shit crazy.
Guest:The point was that Hitler kidnapped the country and extremists, it's really not left and right politics, it's more center and extremes.
Guest:And extremist politics has a beguiling politics because it's so simplistic.
Guest:Just do this and everything will be fine.
Guest:In Britain at the moment we've got to think of leave European Union, there's some people pushing the extreme right, push the leave European Union and everything will be fine.
Guest:And that's not how politics works.
Guest:Actually politics is very complex in the center and
Guest:And people get bored by the complexity and they want simple answers.
Guest:So what you have to do in the center is you have to make a decision and really go for it because it is so difficult to balance all these things.
Marc:Okay, so where do we lead these people?
Guest:No, it's not where you lead the people.
Guest:You know that the center is where it is, but you just have to, if you get in and you are in the leadership of a country or a position or mayor or whatever, you just need to be bold with the ideas and go forward on them rather than zip about and go, hang on, we'll try it.
Guest:No, actually, I'm not sure.
Guest:If you prevaricate...
Guest:If you're indecisive, then everyone in the public just goes, oh, come on, do something.
Guest:Because something is better than not doing anything.
Marc:But there has to be some resistance to the simplistic fascistic mode.
Guest:Well, that's us in the center.
Guest:The majority, 80% of the world, maybe 90% of the world, is around center left, center right.
Marc:Do you find that a lot of times if people in a country are okay, they're apathetic?
Marc:Like if enough people in a country are like, nah, it seems shitty, but I'm all right, that they detach from the actual political process.
Guest:Yeah, I think a lot of people do because it's so dry.
Guest:Politics is really dry.
Guest:I mean, how many people have watched a political discussion where someone says, I'm for this and X, Y, Z, and then someone says, I'm against it by ABC.
Guest:And they go, X, Y, Z, no ABC, no X, Y, Z, no ABC.
Guest:People go, well, I can see a bit of X, I can see a bit of B. Let's watch The Simpsons.
Guest:And that's what happens.
Guest:So it's a tricky old process, but I'm getting in because I hate the right wing, and that's why I'm going to politics.
Guest:Is this the announcement?
Guest:Did you just make an announcement?
Guest:No, I announced so many times.
Guest:I've been on a lot.
Guest:I've told people.
Guest:People know this.
Guest:You've told many people.
Guest:Yeah, everyone knows this.
Marc:You're way behind the curve.
Marc:I know because I'm from America.
Guest:No.
Guest:No, it's okay.
Guest:Because, see, America under Bush, everyone, this is a weird thing.
Guest:When a leader comes in, everyone thought, people thought like Bush.
Guest:The outside America, everyone thought, hey, everyone thinks like Bush.
Guest:And, of course, then Barack Obama gets in and says, no, everyone thinks like Barack Obama.
Guest:That is the weird thing about when you're outside countries.
Marc:Right, but a lot of us knew when Bush was in office that he kidnapped the country.
Marc:and executed his agenda.
Guest:On that false election.
Marc:Yeah, the false election, but he was a puppet for some very evil fuckers.
Guest:Well, he was a puppet for another bunch of puppets, I think.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:It was the Muppets running the country.
Marc:Yeah, some very dangerous Muppets.
Guest:I think Animal could have run it a lot better.
Marc:But let's talk about the Royals for a second because I don't understand that.
Marc:So you're talking about politics and then you have a global excitement over a child.
Marc:I don't even know the kid's name.
Marc:I'm detached from it.
Guest:Yeah, it's, I don't know what it's called.
Guest:You don't know the name either?
Guest:No, I'm not into it.
Guest:What's the kid's name?
Guest:Hereditary Monarchy.
Guest:What is it?
Guest:George?
Guest:That's pretty hacky.
Guest:It's going to be called Steve.
Guest:You're going to call it Steve?
Guest:I don't see why not.
Guest:Now, but the point is, America, it's interesting.
Guest:You had a revolution.
Guest:You're against Monarchy, against Monarchy.
Guest:But when Monarchy turns up and is pretty, you go bananas over Monarchy.
Guest:That is the curious thing.
Guest:You mean if the outfits are exciting?
Guest:No, just if the people are pretty.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:So if monarchy turns up and is not desperately pretty, you go, hey, it's monarchy.
Guest:That's kind of weird.
Guest:But if the monarchy turns up and they're Prince William or if they're Princess Diana, America goes insane.
Guest:We're against monarchy.
Guest:You're pretty monarchy.
Marc:We go batshit bananas.
Marc:But in your heart, do you have any connection to the queen?
Marc:No.
Guest:No.
Guest:Did you?
Guest:Did you?
Guest:I want democratic monarchy.
Guest:No.
Guest:Well, I mean, it's a soap opera that goes on and on and on and on and on and on.
Guest:For centuries.
Guest:For centuries, yeah, yeah.
Guest:And it's when hereditary privilege and people bowing and scraping, oh, you know, I just don't believe in it.
Guest:It's just not good.
Guest:It's not a good example for kids, you see.
Guest:Hereditary privilege, you're just born and you get given a lot of cash and everyone fates you and dines you and wines you and gives you awards.
Guest:You know, because they get medals and everything.
Guest:And it's just weird.
Guest:I mean, when I see William and Kate, I think, fine, they've done a good relationship.
Guest:They split up.
Guest:They got back together again.
Guest:Great.
Guest:As human beings, let's judge them as human beings.
Guest:So I want them to have a good baby.
Guest:I hope the baby's a wise baby and goes up and does some positive things.
Guest:William's tried to do that.
Guest:Harry's tried to do that.
Guest:Harry's screwed up a few times, but he's still trying to be human.
Guest:Charlie's tried to do that.
Guest:Liz and Phil don't.
Guest:Liz and Phil just sit there.
Guest:And sit there, and sit there, and sit there.
Guest:And I'm just not into sitting there.
Guest:I'm into doing something, having a go.
Guest:I mean, I am a tranny, I should mention.
Guest:Are you offended by that word?
Guest:Well, I don't know.
Guest:Some transvestites are.
Guest:Did you know that he had a dick, Jay?
Guest:Hang on, hang on.
Guest:Let me finish this thing before you interrupt.
Guest:But I'm an executive transvestite because it is interesting because some people think, oh, transvestite, that's just on the periphery.
Guest:It's in the porn world or it's in the prostitution world.
Guest:But when I first came out, I was trying to carve the fact that there are executive transvestites.
Guest:Well, I'm going to make it up and now I'm an action transvestite because I run marathons.
Guest:But, you know, there's a whole bunch of people who are transgender and out there and are pushing strongly to try and catch up with where lesbian and gay rights are.
Guest:And then there are some people in the pornography business.
Guest:So,
Marc:But you still consider yourself a transvestite.
Guest:Well, I am.
Guest:I genetically am.
Guest:They will find the genes for gay, lesbian, and transgender.
Guest:They're in there.
Guest:I'm a straight transvestite.
Guest:I don't know why there is no God, as you were saying.
Guest:No, if there was a God, is he out there going, oh, the rich guy, yeah, he can live forever.
Guest:But it doesn't make any sense.
Guest:If it's random, if you put random in it, unless the God was the God random, who went, hey, B, D, F. The God random is the only one who should be worshipped, because that's what's going on.
Marc:So you've been touring the eastern block, and I'm not an international traveler, not because I'm a dumb American, just because I don't do it much, but I have no idea what comedy could be like there.
Marc:What is your experience?
Guest:It's going great.
Guest:You played Germany, didn't you, in English?
Guest:Yes.
Guest:And that was great?
Guest:Fantastic.
Guest:East Germany?
Guest:No, West.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:It's just Germany now.
Guest:I know.
Guest:As an American, you have caught up with all this.
Marc:I am caught up with it, but I have to assume that the remnants of whatever order was in place at the time.
Guest:There's no real remnants.
Guest:None?
Guest:The eastern side of East Berlin do speak less English than the western side.
Guest:That is your difference.
Guest:And now they're getting on.
Guest:I mean, it's Germany.
Guest:They were people who were kidnapped by this guy.
Guest:But anyway, I just played in Moscow, in St.
Guest:Petersburg, in Belgrade, in Romania, in Berlin, Vienna and Istanbul.
Guest:And it's really cooking in English.
Guest:So if you're American comedians, try and get over there because it is amazing.
Guest:And they're desperate to have stuff over there.
Guest:And they've been learning English since the war came down.
Guest:So it's great.
Marc:And we're talking in the dressing room about French people being upset about subtitles and about there's a new generation of kids.
Guest:Yes, a new generation of kids coming in, and they told me to tell Louis C.K.
Guest:could he put French subtitles on because they just want to get the finessing of his stand-up, which they're listening to in English.
Guest:And also they said, can you tell Hollywood, and anyone from Hollywood, please, they want to listen to stuff in English, in American English, with French subtitles rather than dubbed.
Guest:So if you can pipe stuff into...
Guest:France as well, that is actually the original stuff with subtitles.
Guest:They would like to get that.
Guest:So they can piece it together themselves.
Guest:Well, they want to hear the original artistic interpretation.
Guest:These are kids who are just breaking through in France.
Guest:And it's weird, I'm 51, but I'm just breaking through with the 20 to 30 year olds because I've started again in France.
Guest:But you do your act in front there, though.
Guest:And Gad Elmaleh, yesterday, he's the Jerry Seinfeld of France, he just did his first gig in English.
Guest:It's blown his mind open.
Guest:I just talked to him today.
Guest:We're trying to work out how to get him into, I think he needs to do three months in London.
Guest:But there's Germans, Michael Mittermeier, he's playing in Britain.
Guest:He's one of the top stand-ups in Germany.
Guest:In English?
Guest:In English.
Guest:The Russians are coming.
Guest:I just played in Russians.
Guest:They are coming.
Guest:They're going to the Edinburgh Festival, I think, next year.
Guest:There's more French.
Guest:There's a guy called Yasin Belhus who's here, who's sitting at the back.
Guest:He's going to be playing Edinburgh Festival next year in English, and he's learning his English and trying to expand his show to do it.
Marc:So when you do it in French show, it's sort of a challenge to find the groove?
Guest:No, it's the same groove.
Marc:Exactly the same.
Guest:It's the same groove.
Guest:But mainstream, you see, if a mainstream French comedian, they couldn't move around, they'd be making, it's the references.
Guest:Right.
Guest:I do universal references.
Guest:I actually block making jokes about very national references now.
Guest:I just talk about, you can talk about cats, dogs, haircuts, supermarkets.
Guest:Airplanes.
Guest:Airplanes, your leg fell off.
Yeah.
Guest:you know, health problems.
Guest:You can talk about all this stuff.
Guest:You just can't say, I was watching Coronation Street, which is a soap opera in Britain, and I was thinking about John Major, an ex-MP, and I was eating the curly-whirly, which is kind of a candy-sweet thing that you do.
Guest:If you do those, they go, well, what is that?
Guest:But if you just said, I was eating a Kit Kat, and I was thinking about old Prime Ministers, and I was watching a soap opera, they go, oh, yeah, soap opera's great.
Marc:Find the universal language.
Guest:Universal.
Guest:If we go universal, we can tour like bands.
Guest:And bands are playing all over the place in English.
Guest:But you can do it in English, but you can also do it in languages as well.
Guest:And if you change a language, it does blow your mind.
Marc:All right.
Marc:Go universal.
Marc:Eddie Izzard, ladies and gentlemen.
Marc:Andy, real quick, buddy.
Marc:This is Andy Kinler.
Marc:Andy Kindler is going to be doing his performance in a few minutes.
Marc:Let me throw him this mic.
Marc:Grab a mic, Andy.
Guest:Okay, I just want to say I love to watch you two especially during this situation.
Guest:Unbelievable.
Guest:Stunned and confused.
Guest:Now look.
Guest:I love how atheists say there is no God when they couldn't possibly know that.
Guest:Also, I'll be doing... There's no scientific proof of anything.
Guest:Anyway, I will be doing my act in Yiddish coming up in Swahili.
Guest:And I hope everybody here, the speech is going to be great.
Guest:I'm hilarious.
Guest:Mark is responsible for my whole career.
Guest:I'm hoping you stay, Seth.
Guest:No pressure.
Guest:Hoping you stay.
Guest:You really should.
Guest:Good night!
Marc:Andy Kindler, that's our show.
Marc:Eddie Izzard, Trevor Noah, Tig Notaro, Seth Meyers, Big J, Oakerson.
Marc:Thank you for listening to WTF.
Marc:This has been the WTF from the Montreal Just for Laughs Comedy Pass.
Marc:I love you all.
Marc:Boomer lives.
you