Episode 412 - Jim Norton, Michael Ian Black, Maria Bamford, Todd Barry, Janeane Garofalo, Dom Irrera
Guest:Are we doing this?
Guest:Really?
Guest:Wait for it.
Guest:Are we doing this?
Guest:Wait for it.
Guest:Pow!
Guest:What the fuck?
Guest:WTF.
Guest:And it's also, eh, what the fuck?
Guest:What's wrong with me?
Guest:It's time for WTF.
Guest:What the fuck?
Guest:With Mark Marrow.
Marc:Welcome to Live WTF at the Moon Tower Comedy Festival.
Marc:Thank you for coming out.
Marc:Are you ready to do this?
Marc:Let's do this.
Marc:What the fuckers?
Marc:What the fuck buddies?
Marc:What the fuckineers?
Marc:What the fuck next?
Marc:Austin, Texas.
Marc:Come on, sit down.
Marc:Get in here.
Marc:Let's go, let's go, let's go.
Marc:Sit down.
Marc:What the fuck?
Marc:Seriously.
Marc:What the fuck?
Marc:What the fuck?
Marc:What the fuck?
Marc:What the fuck?
Marc:I love Austin, and I know you guys love it too.
Marc:But I think I've come up with an impression of Austin, and I'll do it for you now.
Marc:Fuck that bullshit.
Marc:I'm not a sellout.
Marc:That's why I moved back.
Marc:We've got a big show.
Marc:This might be the last live WTF ever, only because I don't know if I can't get any better than this.
Marc:This fucking show is crazy.
Marc:But...
Marc:I got 900 people here.
Marc:I can't dick around too much.
Marc:Let's just read some emails real quick.
Marc:Subject line, WTF dream.
Marc:Hey, so I've heard you read off a few WTF dreams before and it's an interesting phenomenon that finally happened to me.
Marc:Recently I quit smoking and like an idiot I keep wearing the patches to sleep and have crazy fucked up dreams.
Marc:They're so weird that I'm almost intrigued not to stop wearing them to bed.
Marc:Anyway, I cannot recall the exact situation, but it did include Marc Maron stabbing a lady in a white outfit straight in the crotch.
Marc:I don't remember a lot past that other than I was totally horrified.
Marc:There you go, Jennifer.
Marc:Jennifer definitely has feelings about me.
Marc:This has an uplifting ending.
Marc:Mark, holy hell, I love your show.
Marc:The message and subject line, just thank you.
Marc:So, okay, sending this because I just bought my tickets to see Dylan Morin at the Wilbur in June who WTF introduced me to.
Marc:He's a genius.
Marc:So damn funny.
Marc:I also got into the Eels on your recommendation and a bunch of entertainers.
Marc:Thank you.
Marc:And this is the kicker.
Marc:I was holding a grudge against Dave Grohl since my first girlfriend in high school dumped me for a kid who looked just like him.
Marc:I wonder how long he's been holding that.
Marc:How old is this guy?
Marc:This goes back, man.
Marc:After your podcast, I'm healing 20-year-old wounds and may just buy a Foo Fighters album.
Marc:Can't wait to see you whenever you venture back to Boston, Ed.
Marc:This one's weird.
Marc:Thanks for the third-party heartbreak.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Mark, so I met a guy at a party through a mutual love for your podcast.
Marc:We spent a very pleasant couple of weeks together, and then he essentially told me he never wanted to see me again.
Marc:haven't spoken to him since, completely destroyed my propensity toward hooking up with anyone.
Marc:So fuck you for screwing up my love life.
Marc:And this is the hotline.
Marc:And thank you so much for comforting me through it.
Marc:Now, this is my kind of gal.
Marc:Fuck you, thank you.
Marc:That was actually part of my wedding vows to my second wife.
Marc:All right, my friends.
Marc:Let's begin the journey.
Marc:My first guest is a man that... I love him.
Marc:He's a great comedian.
Marc:He was always... What did he do?
Marc:Did he do something nice?
Marc:Oh, really?
Marc:All right, then I'll tell the truth.
Marc:I first saw this guy when I was like nine, and I thought, that guy's pretty funny for an old guy.
Marc:No, he's one of the best that ever lived.
Guest:Dom Irera, ladies and gentlemen.
Marc:Look at him.
Marc:It's good to see you.
Marc:Good to see you.
Guest:You liberal fag.
Marc:Aw.
Marc:Aw.
Marc:Didn't I get enough of that this morning from the ONA fans?
Guest:I did it.
Guest:It was a callback.
Marc:It was a callback that only you and I knew.
Marc:It was a callback to a conversation we had privately.
Marc:They did.
Marc:For the wrong reasons, probably.
Guest:But see, the thing I still love about you, Mark, is all your success and all, you still get, like, fucking hurt by these stupid fucking retards.
Guest:Let it go.
Guest:Look at you.
Guest:You're dashing.
Guest:I've never seen you live before.
Guest:You're better looking in person.
Guest:Isn't he cute?
Guest:I mean, come on.
Guest:You're a cute man.
Guest:Look, do you mind if I sit a little closer to you?
Guest:Sure, baby.
Guest:Come on over.
Guest:It's awkward being all the way over there.
Guest:I felt lonely.
Guest:You remember back in the day?
Guest:Oh, the day, yeah.
Guest:With me and W.C.
Guest:Fields.
Marc:Oh, that was the time.
Guest:My contemporaries.
Guest:And you, you were a baby.
Guest:You were an infant.
Guest:You would do stand-up.
Guest:I would come to your crib, and you'd do little bits for me.
Guest:Then I would turn you over and have my way with you.
Guest:Wait a minute.
Guest:Whoa, whoa.
Guest:That was you?
Guest:I thought that was my dad.
Marc:Well, I had one of your dad's masks on.
Marc:That got weird in four seconds.
Marc:When I met you first, I was at the comedy store.
Marc:I was drugged up.
Marc:Yeah, you were part of the Sam Kennison's group.
Marc:I was a mascot of that group.
Marc:I was doing my graduate work in chopping lines.
Guest:You're lucky to be alive, man.
Marc:I am lucky to be alive.
Guest:I was worried about you.
Guest:I always liked you.
Guest:You know that.
Guest:And you were so fucked up then.
Guest:No, but I mean, seriously, fucked up on drugs.
Guest:And he couldn't get at your real fucked up self because it was all clouded by drugs.
Guest:Now I know it wasn't the drugs, now that I know you now.
Marc:But do you remember, like, it was weird back then because there was all the chaos going on, but you sort of just rose above it.
Marc:I never understood how the fuck anybody could just stay out of that way of that shit.
Guest:Well, first of all, I was always very strong on stage.
Guest:It was a gift.
Guest:I didn't give it to myself.
Guest:God gave it to me.
Guest:Why I was chosen to have that gift, I don't know.
Guest:But I did.
Guest:I stayed away from the fray.
Guest:Sam always tried to get me to do coke, and I didn't want to do it.
Guest:And I was so glad you survived it, because you were fucking shaky.
Guest:What are you, are you going to call time on me?
Guest:No.
Guest:He's looking at his fucking watch, like I'm going to get a light.
Guest:You never did coke?
Guest:No, I never did anything.
Guest:I did cough medicine.
No.
Guest:Like, I drank a bottle of cold medicine, and I start tripping out on that.
Guest:I smoked pot, like, a couple times.
Guest:Nothing.
Guest:I mean, I do suppositories.
Guest:No, that's great.
Guest:No, I do, I'm an alcoholic.
Guest:Oh, good.
Guest:Old school.
Guest:Old school.
Marc:Yeah, sure.
Guest:I remember when Mitch Heberberg was doing heroin.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:You know Mitch Heberberg, guys?
Guest:All right.
Guest:We both love Mitch.
Guest:And he told me one time, real proudly, we're in Rochester, New York.
Guest:Like, that makes a difference.
Guest:He goes, Dom, I'm only drinking now.
Guest:I said, Mitch, I'm so proud of you for just being an alcoholic.
Guest:I stopped shooting heroin in my leg because it about fell off.
Guest:Remember that?
Guest:When the rumors were his leg was amputated?
Guest:I think they almost did cut it off.
Guest:Yeah, well, he had nothing left.
Guest:No veins.
Guest:Anyway, way to cheer the crowd up.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And guess who else died?
Guest:That's the great thing about being this age.
Guest:All I care about now is dying of natural causes.
Guest:I don't give a fuck.
Guest:Look at me.
Guest:My eyes are closing as we speak.
Guest:I will be at the Atlanta Improv in two weeks.
Guest:Yeah, two weeks.
Guest:And then Hilarity's in Cleveland.
Guest:I got to get out of here.
Guest:No.
Guest:How is your health?
Guest:It's good, though, right?
Guest:Well, after the hangover.
Guest:And that's the danger of being a comedian because you can sleep till 4 or 5 in the afternoon.
Marc:Right.
Guest:And, you know, you don't drink anymore.
Marc:No.
Marc:13 years.
Guest:But now you're addicted to caffeine.
Guest:I mean, nicotine.
Marc:Yeah, a lot of nicotine, a lot of caffeine.
Marc:I got one of these, like, I have a nicotine lozenge in right now, and I always do.
Marc:And then somebody gave me these things.
Marc:But how does it make you feel?
Marc:Well, now I'm doing two things.
Marc:Like, I have a lozenge in, and now I'm taking hits off of that.
Marc:But it's not a high, right?
Marc:I'm defying my heart to stop.
Guest:See, that's why I could never drink that fucking Red Bull or any of that shit.
Marc:That shit's crazy.
Marc:That's not a good feeling.
Marc:No, I don't... It's not like... You could drink nine cups of coffee and be a little fucked up, but one Red Bull, it makes your soul irritated.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:The only time I want my heart to beat that fast is right before I cum.
Yeah.
Marc:That would take some timing.
Marc:You'd be fucking, and you'd be like, all right, Red Bull time.
Guest:You see how you add to the bit?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And fucking tag that shit.
Guest:Now look at the incredible success you've had over the last couple years.
Guest:I remember I was on one of Mark's first podcasts in Ireland, right?
Guest:We're in Kilkenny, Ireland, two lonely fucking mooks sitting there.
Marc:Old guys, and there's just like drunken young Irish people all around us.
Guest:I said to Mark, he said, I want you to do my podcast.
Guest:I go, Mark, anything you want.
Guest:I love you.
Guest:He goes, when do you want to do it?
Guest:I go, how about now?
Guest:He goes, now?
Guest:It's 12 o'clock on a Saturday night.
Guest:I go, but look at us.
Guest:We're fucking losers.
Guest:Let's go do something.
Guest:Nobody's going to even notice if we leave for a half an hour.
Guest:And we did.
Guest:We went up to his room, his tiny little room.
Guest:I had the suite above it.
Guest:That was awkward.
Marc:Yeah, I had to keep you off of me.
Guest:You're so good at the podcast, not to be just Sammy Maudlin, but you've done so well.
Guest:Look at this.
Guest:These people come out to see you.
Marc:Very nice.
Guest:I love that.
Marc:Do you remember the first time we went to Ireland together when I was newly sober?
Marc:And you thought they hated you?
Marc:I was just divorced, and we used to sit there and eat that porridge in the morning.
Marc:Like you would help me in the morning, and I was like, this sucks.
Marc:I'm going to be here for two weeks.
Marc:They fucking hate me.
Marc:And I'd be sitting there eating oatmeal, and you'd be like, Mark, take it easy.
Marc:It's going to be all right.
Marc:And I'm like, what do you fucking know?
Marc:Is that how you remember it?
Guest:No, I remember it that I remember you saying they hated you, and I thought, they don't even give a fuck about you.
LAUGHTER
Guest:They don't hate you.
Guest:They don't even know you yet.
Guest:Let them know you.
Guest:To know you is to hate you.
Guest:Like I do.
Marc:They don't even want to exert the energy to hate you.
Marc:You're just an annoying thing, like a bug or something.
Marc:Like a neurotic Jewish bug that's flown over from the States.
Guest:I think that divorce was good for you.
Guest:No.
Marc:What?
Marc:I don't know what that sound was or where it came from.
Marc:I never saw or heard that before.
Marc:It was a lot less passionate than it used to be.
Marc:I think it was supposed to be like... But now it's faded.
Marc:It's like... That's good.
Marc:That's progress.
Guest:I think it was.
Guest:I think you hit your nadir.
Guest:What is that?
Guest:The lowest point.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:No, I mean, I think you hit bottom, and you realize even bottom has a little give to it.
Guest:Yeah, what was that?
Guest:What was that, Dan Vitale?
Marc:Dan Vitale!
Marc:Fuck, I didn't mean to steal it!
Marc:No, no, I'm not saying he stole it, but that's a great joke.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Oh, now you're going to worry about that.
Marc:Dan Vitale was a guy that nobody knows, that we knew.
Marc:Comedian's comedian.
Marc:Everybody laughed but the audience.
Marc:He used to...
Marc:Here's how Dan was all sweaty.
Marc:He'd been through some shit, and he had a lot of momentum.
Marc:Remember?
Marc:He used to get on stage at the old Improv on 44th Street, right?
Marc:And he'd just get up there, and he'd have this hair, and he'd just stand up there.
Marc:The first thing he'd say is like, yeah, you know, I got a feeling we're not going to get along.
Marc:Right?
Marc:And then he just swept through.
Guest:The bit that Dan used to do.
Guest:Da Vinci and all the Italians tipping.
Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest:Descartes.
Guest:Descartes was French, but all the Michelangelo.
Marc:What was this great joke he's like?
Marc:Oh, I know.
Marc:Yeah, you're due.
Guest:I'm due.
Marc:Yeah, I'm due.
Marc:But then he did that thing.
Guest:What was that great Vitaly thing?
Guest:We can't do parts and bits for these people.
Guest:You know the one where he said, oh, yeah?
Guest:That was a good one, too.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:He had two genius bits.
Marc:The first one was like, you know, he was walking down 8th Avenue and a transvestite hooker comes up and goes, what do you want, baby?
Marc:What do you need?
Marc:And he goes, what do I want?
Marc:What do I need?
Marc:I want answers to philosophical questions.
Marc:I want to know what the moral, is the universe moral or is it not moral?
Marc:I want to know truth.
Marc:And then she goes, I'll blow you for $5.
Marc:And he goes, sometimes you settle.
Marc:laughter
Guest:Okay, let me do my damn Vitaly bit for you guys.
Marc:Did he say, sometimes you want answers to big questions, other times you settle for holding a blonde wig down behind a dumpster on 8th Avenue.
Guest:Let me ask you this.
Guest:Yes, Dom.
Guest:Are you happy now?
Guest:Why do you have to?
Guest:Are you happy now?
Guest:I want to ask you, are you fucking happy?
Guest:You got a beautiful girlfriend.
Guest:You got a successful career.
Guest:You're a dashing fellow.
Marc:If you put it like that, I'm nervous.
Marc:Are you happy?
Marc:I have moments of pure happiness.
Guest:The other day on the plane, I saw you, and I was sitting with, you know Andy Kindler?
Guest:Fucking so we love him, right?
Guest:He's so fucking funny.
Guest:And he was sitting next to me.
Guest:If you want to see something fucking scary, Andy Kindler sleeping with his mouth open.
Guest:And then when I got my tongue, I just did that little thing.
Guest:I circled around.
Guest:But anyway, I don't go for the cheap joke.
Marc:No, no.
Marc:That was a very high-minded weird.
Guest:But you were in such a good mood.
Guest:I've seen you withdraw so much.
Guest:I'm thinking, this fucking guy, maybe you can make a balance.
Guest:You can be happy and still funny at the same time.
Guest:Right.
Guest:And what happened?
Guest:Nothing.
Guest:I'm just saying that you seem happier and I want you to be happy.
Marc:I am happy, man, but I'm nervous.
Marc:That's all.
Marc:I'm happy and nervous.
Marc:Because you think it's going to crash?
Marc:Well, of course it's going to crash.
Marc:But I mean, what I'm saying, no, everything's going fine.
Marc:I choose to just be content without being happy.
Marc:If I can just be content for a little while, that's good.
Marc:Happiness seems like a lot of pressure because people are like, are you happy?
Marc:I'm like, what does that mean?
Marc:I don't mean to lay that on you I appreciate you inquiring but it's really fucking bummed me out
Marc:Well, that's what I worried about.
Guest:I worry about, like, you got a TV show coming up.
Guest:No, it's great.
Guest:Everything's good, man.
Guest:See that?
Guest:Did he look miserable when he said that?
Guest:No, I didn't.
Guest:Did he look... Let me do a take on that.
Guest:Everything's great, man.
Guest:Leave me the fuck alone.
Guest:I hate myself.
Marc:I hate my... I'll do my one-word Dave Vitello impression for you.
Guest:What?
Guest:All right.
Guest:Dave...
Guest:I have a podcast, Dom Herrera, Live from the Laugh Factory, right?
Guest:I did it.
Guest:And I have David Tell.
Guest:Mark was great on it.
Guest:And I have David Tell on it.
Guest:And at the end, we're just talking.
Guest:And I said to Dave, I said, David, sometimes I don't think you realize how strong a comedian you are.
Guest:He goes, I hate myself.
Guest:He said, no, I hate my act, but most of all, I hate myself.
Guest:And I said, that's why you're fucking funny.
Guest:You didn't ask him if he was happy.
Marc:He's miserable.
Marc:LAUGHTER
Marc:Dom Irira, ladies and gentlemen.
Marc:Thank you.
Marc:So you want to move down?
Marc:I'll take this one.
Marc:Ladies and gentlemen, one of the greatest, most wonderful people that I've ever known, and I've known her forever, and she's very funny, and she's the only one.
Marc:Janine Garofalo, ladies and gentlemen.
Guest:Thank you.
Guest:Come over to the couch.
Guest:Where are you going?
Guest:Where are you going?
Guest:No.
Guest:Get over here.
Marc:Yeah, you can come over here.
Marc:Sit with us.
Marc:Dom stayed late for you.
Marc:I want to do five minutes with you.
Marc:Where do you have to be at 1015 in bed?
Guest:I have a show.
Guest:I have a show.
Guest:I have a show, you know, like a real show.
Guest:Oh.
Marc:Boom.
Marc:You just got served.
Marc:I did.
Marc:Hi, Janine.
Guest:Hi.
Marc:You look fucking great.
Guest:Isn't she?
Marc:What you do.
Marc:You do.
Guest:No, it's just because comparatively, I looked so awful before that it seems like I look better.
Marc:No, you're always.
Guest:But it was.
Marc:No, you're either like, you know, either you're like sort of ruggedly attractive or you're just fucking glamorous attractive.
Marc:And right now I feel.
Guest:Ruggedly.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:Now I think you're.
Guest:Essentially ambiguous.
Guest:Is she gay?
Guest:Yes.
Guest:Because I, as you know, I get mistaken for gay and Jewish.
Guest:a lot of times, to which I say thank you.
Guest:I mean, I take it as a compliment because it makes me far more interesting than an asexual atheist, which I am.
Marc:How does being mistaken for being gay unfold?
Marc:How does that happen?
Guest:Oh, it's just, I think a lot of people assume females in stand-up...
Guest:are seemingly gay, but also I think maybe just my physical appearance for whatever reason, I've had, and I even did a magazine, this is a few years ago, there was this LGBT magazine, I think it was called Velvet or something, and it was myself and a number of other women who were gay, and it was at the photo shoot when they found out I was not gay.
Guest:And I was like, what, what, whoa.
Marc:How did that come out, though?
Guest:Oh, because I was just talking to some of the other women, and I said, this is so strange that I'm on the cover with you guys, because, you know, I'm not gay.
Guest:Carrots and peas, peas and carrots, carrots and peas.
Guest:It was like one of those things.
Guest:And then it went to the editor person, and then they had a discussion about it, and then in the end decided, okay, she can be in the picture.
Marc:Oh, my God.
Marc:So you had to pass?
Marc:They're like, you know, we'll just... She's a friend of... She's here now.
Guest:She's here now, so...
Marc:So what did they put in the magazine?
Marc:Friend of gay community.
Guest:Yes.
Guest:Gay friendly.
Guest:Gay friendly.
Guest:As I am.
Guest:LGBT.
Guest:Queer theory.
Guest:I read about in my introduction.
Guest:I have all these books.
Guest:Introduction to logic.
Guest:Introduction to ethics.
Guest:Introduction to queer theory.
Marc:What is queer theory?
Marc:Because I think I should know about it or I'll offend somebody.
Guest:I actually used to know how to encapsulate it, but I read it so long ago.
Guest:But it's the study of, you know, I guess.
Guest:No.
Guest:The LGBT, transgendered, pansexuality, whatever it is.
Guest:Probably in academia.
Marc:Right.
Marc:Are you on top of this stuff, Tom?
Guest:I can't be gay now even if I wanted to.
Guest:Seriously, I couldn't get in that kind of shape.
Guest:I really...
Guest:It is.
Guest:It is a high bar for the fellas.
Guest:It's a high bar.
Guest:The last thing I need is to be rejected by a dude.
Guest:How fucking sad would that be?
Guest:No thanks, pal.
Guest:Have you been with women?
Guest:I have not.
Guest:I have not.
Guest:And it's not because I just...
Guest:If I can be blunt, it's the bottom half of it.
Guest:That I can't be intimate with another lady's maidenhead.
Guest:Not that I have... I say that about my own as well.
Guest:Like, you know, what goes on down there.
Guest:And I wear tights all the time.
Guest:It's a...
Guest:And nothing good happens in a vacuum.
Guest:It's true in aerospace and mining and in your tights, especially in the humidity of Austin.
Guest:It's very true.
Guest:And there's nothing, and you know, actually, sexuality is fluid, and I'm sure without cultural constraints in the way we're indoctrinated, because the indigenous peoples around the world many years ago before colonization and imperialism, the sexuality is quite fluid.
Marc:What does it mean, fluid?
Marc:Do you mean just like, hey, just fuck anything?
Guest:Any port in a storm.
Marc:Okay, all right, all right.
Marc:The Greeks.
Marc:You're referring to the Greeks.
Guest:Not just the Greeks, but many, many, the indigenous peoples of the Americas.
Marc:They're just sort of like, oh, I'm feeling it, hold still.
Guest:When they would get older, if a spouse died, for companionship, they would get together with another spouse for their golden years.
Guest:They didn't have AARP.
Guest:Right.
Guest:Which I'm getting letters for already, AARP stuff.
Marc:So this establishes what in your mind?
Guest:What, that I'm getting AARP stuff or the fluid sexuality?
Guest:I'm assuming that if there was no constraints and if we were not a puritanical society or what have you, many more people would...
Marc:Like half of this audience be fucking right now.
Guest:Well, I know it's generational.
Guest:Young people are very bisexual.
Guest:And I only know this from talking to young people.
Guest:Let's see the hands.
Guest:Bisexuals.
Marc:Let's see the hands.
Marc:All right.
Guest:One person.
Guest:They're much more open to the experimentation.
Marc:Who might feel a little awkward about admitting that at that moment.
Guest:Well, there's nothing shameful about it.
Guest:There's nothing shameful about it.
Guest:I said awkward, not shameful.
Guest:But I find that much like with the allergies, yeast, gluten, wheat, tree nuts that you young people seem to have, I think they're also fond of bisexuality.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:As long as there's no tree nuts and yeast and gluten and wheat and soy involved.
Guest:But women seem to, guys like it much more than women do.
Guest:Guys like what?
Guest:You never hear a woman going, Alice, I love to see Gus blow Big Vic.
Guest:Yeah, right.
Guest:You know what I mean?
Guest:It's always the other way around.
Guest:I have.
Guest:I have a thing else that could be cultural, too, that we are led to believe that men enjoy watching women together.
Guest:Hot women, not Diesel Dyke.
Guest:Yeah, not bearded Diesel Dyke.
Guest:Not the hardcore.
Guest:Like that show, the L Word always bugged me for that reason.
Guest:The L Word.
Guest:They had very lipstick-lesbian-looking actresses as opposed to a variety of what women could look like in...
Guest:in life, but also in the community.
Marc:The many styles of lesbian.
Guest:The many styles of lesbian.
Guest:Sure, sure.
Guest:And it was always just very mainstream-looking lesbian women who men would find attractive.
Guest:Right.
Guest:I found that offensive about that show, The L Word.
Guest:Me too.
Guest:I got to go because I got... I was furious about that.
Guest:I got to go because I got another show.
Guest:I wanted to be on stage with you guys a couple minutes.
Marc:This is just getting interesting, Don.
Guest:Well, now I'm going to file that in my head and use it later.
Guest:You know what I mean?
Guest:Thank you, everybody.
Guest:Thank you, Don.
Guest:Thank you, Don.
Guest:All right.
Marc:Thank you, buddy.
Guest:Should we bring out another person to take Dom's seat?
Marc:No, we'll bring someone out in a minute.
Marc:Let's just hang out.
Guest:Okay, that's fine.
Marc:What's up, you guys?
Marc:Janine's right here.
Marc:So what have you been doing?
Marc:Have you been doing the stand-up?
Guest:I've been doing... I always do stand-up, but I've been doing a lot of road stuff.
Guest:How's it going?
Guest:It's going well.
Guest:It's going well.
Marc:No meanies.
Guest:But I can't take another trip to JFK and be grounded on the tarmac.
Guest:John F. Kennedy Airport in New York.
Guest:So not only are you 80th in line to take off, because it's a hub, JFK, like O'Hare in Chicago.
Guest:It's a hub airport.
Guest:So it's always delayed, but now there's even more delays.
Marc:Dude, this happened to me.
Marc:They aborted a landing that I was on a plane, and then I heard about this thing.
Marc:This is not a place where you can just sort of like, yeah, they can make it with just a guy.
Marc:That should never be said about air traffic control.
Marc:There's usually three of them, but that guy can do it.
Marc:There's the machine.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:So I'm flying in.
Marc:I'm landing at fucking JFK, which is usually better than LaGuardia.
Marc:The guy has the and there were problems leaving Los Angeles.
Marc:They didn't take off because they and I've never had this happen before where the pilot tells you what's going on.
Marc:He's like, we got to have maintenance come out.
Marc:We had an electrical issue about a fan that cools the electrical wiring.
Marc:But he says we don't need it.
Marc:Right?
Marc:And then they're like, we just tagged it.
Marc:We don't need that fan.
Marc:And I'm like, how the fuck could that be?
Marc:All right, so fine.
Marc:So then we make it to JFK, and he's landing, and he's got the gear out.
Marc:And then all of a sudden, I'm about to turn my phone on because I do that before you actually land.
Marc:I'm in the zone.
Marc:And I turn my phone on, and the guy goes, whoa!
Marc:He pulls the fucking plane up like this and goes back up into the air.
Marc:And I'm like, this can't be good.
Guest:That's why you can't turn your cell phones on.
Guest:And that's why you need your seat in the upright position that you've been asking for years.
Guest:Why can't I have my seat back a couple of inches?
Guest:That's why.
Marc:I guess I learned my lesson.
Guest:Yes.
Marc:No, but I thought, well, this clearly has to do with that fucking fan they said was okay, right?
Marc:So now, like, two things happened to me.
Marc:I'm terrified, and I'm also very impressed that those planes can fly like that.
Marc:Because when you're on a big plane, you're like, you've got to be careful with these things.
Marc:No, that guy just fucking whipped it up and zoomed around.
Marc:And it turns out, this is the point, he goes, sorry about that, folks.
Marc:We were cleared to land, but apparently there was another plane on the landing strip.
Guest:Right, you can't cut back on air traffic controllers and stuff.
Guest:You can't cut back air traffic controllers.
Guest:It's a huge, huge thing.
Marc:So you go tell Governor Perry...
Guest:Governor Rick Perry, if he's not busy seceding, and you're not busy seceding with Governor Perry.
Guest:No, he's at church.
Marc:Isn't he at church all the time?
Marc:Does he live at church?
Guest:He's busy blow drying his hair and amping up his southerness accent.
Guest:All right, so you want to bring Todd up?
Guest:Just like George Bush did.
Guest:Yes, let's bring Todd Berry up.
Marc:Ladies and gentlemen, a man who's just recently started his own podcast and truly one of my oldest friends in comedy and a guy I always enjoy watching because I think he's one of the funniest fucking guys.
Marc:Todd Berry, ladies and gentlemen.
Guest:Thank you.
Guest:Seems like I'm a crowd favorite, huh?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Crowd favorite.
Marc:I'm sorry, was that supposed to be part of your intro?
Marc:Crowd favorites?
Guest:Just based on...
Guest:I've just been listening to the way they applaud for East Gas, and it just seems like I'm the crowd fave.
Guest:I'm just kidding.
Guest:I planned on saying that.
Marc:Do you ever get fucked up?
Marc:I spend my life tweeting on fucking airplanes.
Marc:Do you have problems on airplanes?
Marc:No.
Marc:Do I have problems on airplanes?
Marc:Yeah, do you tweet on airplanes?
Marc:I don't remember.
Marc:Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Marc:Have you found that you can take action?
Marc:Isn't it exciting?
Guest:Oh, you mean tweeting about an airline?
Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest:No, I will, like, sometimes ask for a first-class upgrade.
Guest:Hey, United, I was in The Wrestler.
Guest:Can you give me a first-class upgrade?
LAUGHTER
Guest:And sometimes they'll write back, but I also realize they're not going to go, yeah, we'll give you one, and then 60,000 people who aren't D-level celebrities start.
Guest:So do you ever get like, love the wrestler, but no?
Guest:They sometimes...
Guest:They sometimes will respond with a little jokey.
Guest:It's like some 22-year-old kid is the social media expert at United speaking on behalf of a gigantic airline.
Guest:But yeah, they will sometimes.
Guest:I guess right now it would be great if I had a great response that I remembered.
LAUGHTER
Marc:That's okay.
Guest:Virgin America will always write you back, though.
Marc:American writes me back.
Marc:Not only did Delta write me back, because I was on a Delta flight that I complained over because we weren't able to leave the gate because a guy refused to sit down because there was vomit on his seat.
Marc:And he was like, I'm not sitting in the vomit.
Marc:Delta needs to clean up the vomit.
Marc:So it's weird, because I think he had a good case there.
Marc:I'm on his side on that one.
Marc:I think I wouldn't.
Marc:But still, I wanted to take off, so I was torn between shut up and sit in the vomit, and let's all rise up against Delta.
Guest:It reminds me of a New York Times essay I wrote a few years ago.
Guest:I really did.
Guest:No, I found a syringe on a flight.
Guest:Used?
Guest:Like used?
Guest:I didn't... It might have been for a diabetic or something, though.
Guest:It didn't have to be... You want to hear the exchange I had?
Guest:This is pretty good.
Guest:Yes, please.
Guest:There was a guy who was annoyed, kind of like you with the vomit.
Guest:Only this guy was actually like, couldn't understand why I would even point out a syringe next to the magazine.
Guest:And then the pilot came over and was very apologetic.
Guest:And then this guy next to me is like, could be a diabetic.
Guest:And then this is what the pilot said.
Guest:You want to hear what the pilot said?
Guest:It could be a diabetic with AIDS.
LAUGHTER
Guest:The pilot's... And I was like, whoa, this is... I hope I get a chance to write for the New York Times someday, because this is going to be a little jammed.
Guest:You're diabetic with AIDS?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:He shut that guy up, huh?
Guest:And at the end of the thing, the pilot's like...
Guest:Mom, give me your information before you go.
Guest:Give me your contact information.
Guest:I was like, holy shit, like Hawaiian vacation.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:It's like two upgrade certificates.
Guest:Fuck that.
Guest:Yeah, for fucking medical waste.
Marc:I pushed Delta to the point where I relentlessly was tweeting how much they sucked, and they sent me a gift basket.
Marc:Did they really?
Marc:Yeah, definitely.
Marc:They sent me a gift bag.
Marc:Was it full of tickets?
Marc:No.
Marc:No fucking tickets.
Marc:Just a fucking gift bag.
Guest:That's no good pears.
Guest:Thank you.
Guest:That's what I was hoping to get out of this.
Guest:Pears.
Guest:Ooh, clementines.
Guest:I got clementines.
Marc:Let me sell these for... And some kind of pretzel I've never seen before.
Marc:They really sent you a gift bag?
Marc:gift basket I don't give a shit I mean I'm still and then there's people that you know when you tweet at airlines and they tweet back to you and you get some action there's other tweeters that are like god I wish I was a you know a guy that you know was a mid-level celebrity first world problems yeah I saw you attack I fucking hate that I saw you attack a guy but that made me laugh
Guest:Your fucking hacky first world problems joke.
Marc:Yeah, that fucking first world problems hashtag just eats, just fucking kills me.
Marc:Because it's pompous, it's condescending, and it's hacky, and they think they're being clever with some fucking stupid hashtag.
Marc:And I live, you know, this is, yeah, my problems are mundane.
Marc:But they're my problems, so shut the fuck up.
Marc:I agree.
Marc:You know, like...
Marc:I agree.
Marc:Like, nobody, you don't see, like, someone tweeting, like, I can't eat, my family lives in garbage, and they're like, third world problems, you know?
Marc:Where's that hashtag?
Marc:They don't have computers, asshole.
Marc:First world problems.
Guest:I almost tweeted at JetBlue because they... They ran out of blue chips?
Guest:No, no, no.
Guest:Their TV or something didn't work.
Guest:It was like New York to Seattle.
Guest:And I said something.
Guest:They're like, we'll take it.
Guest:And they gave me like a $15 voucher.
Guest:It was literally $15.
Guest:Have you thought of reading a book?
Guest:What's that?
Guest:You could read a book.
Guest:I mean, there's other ways to occupy yourself on the flight.
Guest:Wow.
Guest:If I was going to predict, who would say that?
Guest:No, no, no.
Guest:I'm just saying, so what?
Guest:You can't watch the TV.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:So, I mean, that's why you should bring reading material.
Guest:And I know you must have, like, Kindle with 10,000 books on it.
Guest:Is it still a Kindle?
Guest:Yeah, they have them still.
Guest:I like actual books.
Guest:But the thing is, you don't have to watch the TV, right?
Guest:No, you kind of get something out of it.
Guest:If they have Wi-Fi, man, you can fucking just jam and tweet.
Guest:But they gave me $15.
Guest:You can't even buy a book for $15.
Guest:Well, you can at a used books on a strand.
Guest:Oh, I saw them.
Guest:Or book people.
Guest:Book people at the airport, even.
Oh.
Marc:I've been reading a book.
Marc:What's that?
Guest:Yes.
Marc:No, I mean, what's a book?
Marc:Poser.
Marc:Poser by Mark Spitz, the music writer.
Marc:I've seen it, yeah.
Marc:Yeah, it's fucking pretty great.
Marc:But should we bring Maria out?
Marc:Do you want to keep jamming?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Do you feel... What?
Guest:I feel like if there are any airlines I didn't talk about.
Marc:You can hang out.
Marc:Let's just bring Maria out and keep this jam going.
Marc:Ladies and gentlemen, Todd Berry.
Thank you.
Marc:Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the amazing Maria Bamford.
Guest:Totally moved over for you.
Marc:Hello, Maria.
Marc:Hello.
Marc:Oh.
Guest:I always worry about being on a chat thing because I'm sort of introverted and I... Is it okay if I'm a little quiet?
Marc:Sure.
Guest:Cool.
Marc:Let's just all get to your pace.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:All right.
Oh.
Oh.
Yeah.
Oh.
Marc:How are you enjoying Texas?
Guest:Oh, I love it.
Guest:It's real nice.
Guest:You know, I walked the lonely streets of downtown a little bit because I didn't plan well.
Guest:You know, you need to schedule things with your friends.
Guest:You know, collect in the lobby.
Guest:And what I did is I wandered aimlessly and felt worried.
LAUGHTER
Marc:Worried?
Guest:Worried.
Guest:About what?
Guest:Well, I think what happens is that your neuroplasticity really is affected when you're eating things from inside your hotel room.
Guest:M&M's, peanut M&M's, a little kashi bar.
Guest:That cost me about 25 bucks right there.
Guest:But what else is the lady gonna have for breakfast?
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:Did you do shows at the comedy club?
Guest:Yes, I did.
Guest:I went to Cap City.
Guest:Everyone coming out to see live comedy?
Guest:Cap City.
Marc:How were you received?
Guest:It went real nice.
Guest:I think basically sold out.
Guest:No big deal.
Guest:So stupid.
Guest:I don't even care.
Guest:Did you get a bonus for selling out?
Guest:I don't know.
Guest:I want to talk money.
Guest:No, let's talk money.
Guest:There is no union for comedians, so it would be great if we had an open source income information.
Guest:We should pool our money, don't you think?
Guest:Yeah, let's pool our info.
Guest:um how good how was your special received uh my parents on the fence uh they were in it though i know my dad said there should be more people and uh you know i just felt kind of on the spot and it was just you and them right yeah
Guest:And then... But they knew they were getting into it.
Guest:Yeah, yeah, no.
Guest:I paid them.
Guest:I paid them 600 bucks a piece.
Guest:Cash on the barrel head.
Guest:I gave them a beer before my suicide chunk.
Guest:That's my closer now.
Guest:all about suicide but they're are they happy oh yeah they're they're real i mean they're real proud they don't really watch it you know i think they they just kind of you know i think this the words come out and they just say oh she's talking
Guest:You know, we're so proud.
Guest:Have your parents been proud or, you know, like specific pride in what you do?
Marc:Yeah, too much.
Guest:Oh.
Marc:My father has not listened to my podcast.
Marc:He insists that he doesn't know how to do it.
Marc:And he's been on three of them.
Marc:He's probably not lying.
Marc:Oh, yes.
Marc:And like I used to call him, but like I've sat with him with the machine.
Marc:I said, now just click the arrow, click the arrow, play, click the arrow.
Marc:He's like, yeah, yeah, I get it.
Marc:I'll do it later.
Marc:Nothing.
Guest:My dad got locked out of his Yahoo account.
Guest:I helped him out with that.
Marc:How's your old man doing with the tech?
Guest:My dad with the technology?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Well, he's much like me.
Guest:He's a bit of a Luddite.
Guest:He doesn't have much understanding of it.
Guest:He's in his 70s.
Guest:I am close to that.
Guest:But we are both uncomfortable with technology.
Guest:But he just recently got a cell phone.
Marc:Just recently.
Guest:Yes.
Guest:Flip.
Guest:He never has it on, and he never has it on him.
Guest:So there's no reason to ever utilize it with him.
Guest:But he did purchase one.
Guest:He should not call my dad someday.
Guest:Who's got the same policy?
Guest:I know, I never turn the phone on.
Guest:That's what he says all the time, I never turn it on.
Guest:I'm like, Dad, that's costing you $7 a month for the most unbelievably cheap plan you could get.
Guest:Do you still live by me?
Guest:Yes, of course.
Guest:I live at the cross streets in New York.
Guest:Yeah, over by... You know the neighborhood's blowing up?
Guest:Yeah, no, it's gentrifying.
Guest:Did you just give out the corner you live on?
Guest:Listen, it's no problem, okay?
Guest:I can handle it.
Guest:No, and if anything, the only reason to get into show business is so people will say hi to you.
Guest:Right?
Guest:What?
Guest:Hi!
Guest:That's all I need.
Marc:What's the weirdest, like, hi you've got?
Marc:I mean, I imagine that you... I'm not judging you in any way, but I imagine people feel very close to you very quickly.
Marc:Oh.
Guest:Um, I like, yeah, like, I mean, cause I have mentals and so, you know, my, my friends, this fellow mentals, you know, like I'm schizophrenic and I haven't had an episode in six years.
Guest:That's hard.
Guest:That's hard not to have an episode of schizophrenia.
Marc:Do you have a diagnosis for yourself?
Guest:Apparently bipolar 2, which is the new gladiator sandal.
Guest:I don't know.
Guest:Catherine Zeta-Jones has it.
Guest:I don't know.
Guest:Who gives a shit?
Guest:I'm just on some sweet meds, and that's all that matters.
Guest:I feel great.
Yeah.
Marc:You do, right?
Guest:Yeah, I do.
Guest:That's good.
Guest:All the ladies in my family go off the rails at some point.
Guest:My aunt dated a drug dealer named Lips by accident.
Guest:A couple of years.
Guest:My mom went through a time where she was calling the Pope.
Guest:Fair enough.
Guest:Somebody needs to give that guy a jingle.
Marc:Did she ever get through?
Guest:She got through to a Monsignor.
Guest:And apparently got some things done, or at least a message written down.
Guest:But that's when you need to, you know, wrap a feed bag of microwave popcorn around your neck.
Guest:Get yourself driven to Lost at Sea Hospital.
Guest:Yeah, no, there's nothing wrong with it.
Guest:It's nice in there.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:You did the special.
Marc:What else is happening?
Marc:Are you still running in the morning?
Marc:Can I still run into you at the coffee shop with your friends in your exercise clothing?
Guest:Yes, in our exercise clothing, we go to the Armenian Cultural Center to a ladies fitness class where we do what I think we we cradle a basketball from one end of a ballroom to another.
Guest:How much does it cost to join that gym?
Guest:That's got to be a very reasonably priced gym.
Guest:And how are the personal trainers?
Guest:Well, it's a
Marc:That's good.
Marc:It sounds like a good program.
Guest:It's a great program.
Guest:And then you go out and you eat a giant muffin, which takes you out for five hours.
Guest:You know how that is, Maren.
Guest:You're taken out by a muffin.
Guest:Boom.
Guest:Everything is going great.
Guest:Muffin down.
Marc:Maria Bamford, ladies and gentlemen.
Yeah.
Marc:All right, let's, uh... Now, in preparation for my next guest, you should know that we've been doing okay.
Marc:Please welcome Michael Ian Black to the stage.
Thank you.
Guest:Hi, Mark.
Guest:Hi, Michael.
Guest:Hi, everybody.
Guest:Hi, Michael.
Guest:Nice to see you.
Guest:Yeah, nice to see you.
Guest:Look at you.
Guest:Look at this great big theater that's easily 60% full.
Guest:This is great.
Guest:This is great.
Guest:Yeah, I did pretty good for you.
Guest:Congratulations.
Guest:How was your show next door?
Guest:I mean, again, I don't keep track of ticket sales or anything like that.
Guest:I mean, it was standing room and whatever.
Guest:I don't know how many they were able to cram in there.
Guest:It felt like a lot.
Guest:It was sweaty in there.
Guest:Yeah, sure.
Marc:But they were there to see Chelsea probably, right?
Guest:Well, there were three of us.
Guest:It was Chelsea Pretty, Judah Friedlander, and myself.
Guest:Right.
Guest:And, yeah, I mean, between the three of us, you know, we really filled the room.
Guest:You got, what, one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.
Guest:You couldn't quite fill the room, but it doesn't matter.
Guest:I mean, it's not a competition.
Guest:It's not a competition.
Guest:That's my point.
Guest:It doesn't matter.
Marc:I'll let it be noted that I started this with nothing but love in my heart.
Guest:Oh my God, Mark, I came out congratulating you.
Guest:You almost filled this smaller theater than the one that I was just in.
Guest:I congratulated you.
Marc:Look, I know you're overcompensating for, you know, the fact that, you know, since the state, it's been touch and go.
Guest:And I'm excited for you to finally have a high to see what that's like, because your TV show, it's on IFC, so people will Netflix it or whatever.
Guest:So that's exciting.
Yeah.
Guest:No, early word is that you're in it, and that's great.
Marc:Let's talk about some of your shows that were on for a few weeks.
Guest:There have been a few.
Guest:We could talk about them.
Marc:Michael and Michael have, oh, they canceled it.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Don't you fucking dare groan when I take a shot at this smug fuck.
Guest:Hey, was that really your brother out there?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Mark's brother, is he in the audience today?
Guest:Yes, he is.
Guest:I wasn't sure.
Guest:I mean, because he came out and Mark said, hey, this is my real brother.
Guest:No, there he is.
Guest:Oh, yeah, there he is.
Marc:Stand up, show him yourself.
Marc:That's my brother, ladies and gentlemen.
Thank you.
Guest:I wasn't sure, because he's a good-looking guy, so I was like... And no, because he didn't feel like he needs to do the whole thing, the whole facial sculpting, and he's just like a regular looking... Facial sculpting?
Marc:What are you talking about?
Guest:No, I just mean like the Backstreet Boy thing that you... At some point, you know, I...
Marc:As you get older, your face is gonna drop and your jaw is gonna grow, and your face is gonna become bigger and more moon-like, and you're gonna be ugly and stupid.
Marc:You spend your whole fucking life trying to hide the fact that you're a Jew.
Guest:I didn't believe!
Marc:Moving to Connecticut, pretending with your non-Jewish people up there.
Marc:When they go, Michael, what is that?
Marc:Not Jewish!
Guest:I pass.
Guest:Yeah, I know that your whole life is built on it.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Well, at least there's no black people where I live.
Guest:Oh, stop it!
Marc:Baron Bonner, wait.
Marc:Is Baron here?
Marc:Anyone?
Marc:No black people?
Marc:Okay.
Marc:Hey, listen.
Guest:Oh, I want to thank you.
Guest:Mark sent me, you know, Mark's got a memoir.
Marc:I got a book of essays that are memoir-oriented.
Guest:And Mark inscribed it to me, and he couldn't even let the passive aggression go in the inscription.
Guest:What did I say?
Guest:You wrote, Michael, just want you to know that I really do like you, Mark.
Guest:Hey.
Guest:Nice, right?
Guest:In parentheses after do, in parentheses, it's N apostrophe T. Total dick move.
Guest:Even when no one's watching, you have to take a shot.
Marc:I really do, in parentheses, don't like you.
Marc:That was cute.
Marc:It was a cute way of saying I don't like you.
Marc:You didn't laugh?
Marc:But I was trying to be cute because I thought that's what we do.
Guest:In public.
Guest:In public we do it.
Guest:In private I expect a certain amount of respect and mutual admiration.
Guest:What was your book?
Guest:Which one, Mark?
Guest:Because I've written several.
Guest:I know this is your first and I know this is a thrill for you.
Guest:You've written two?
Guest:Oh, nobody read the first one.
Guest:What was that?
Guest:The Jerusalem Syndrome.
Guest:How many have you written?
Guest:Three?
Guest:I've written three for adult and several for children.
Marc:You write children's books?
Marc:Yes, many.
Guest:Are you training kids to be, like, smug and snarky?
Guest:I'm training kids to think for themselves, Mark, and to not have to lower themselves to insulting people that they invite to their home.
Guest:That's what the books are about.
Guest:They're all called Be a Gracious Host, unlike that fucker Marc Maron.
Guest:Volumes 1 through 10.
Marc:I'm glad that you persevere in your struggle to maintain relevance.
Marc:Because really, if you think about it, your celebrity is just the fact that people know your name and that you're snarky and you have a lot of Twitter followers.
Marc:And they're charitable.
Marc:They're like, that's Michael.
Marc:He used to be funny.
Marc:He's still...
Marc:you know he was part of that group of people that we watched when we were nine there was like 12 of them and two of them are in movies one of them we don't know who he is and and then there's michael who was always the one that had that cuteness and now he's just aging and we should help him yeah that's fair
Marc:For a minute, let's drop the act and just be a couple of professional entertainers.
Marc:So when you perform on a stand-up show, what do you do?
Guest:You mean like the show I did earlier tonight?
Guest:Yeah, with Stan.
Guest:The sold out one.
Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest:Stood up there, told a bunch of jokes, some personal anecdotes from my life, related well to the audience.
Guest:Afterwards, embraced a lot of people.
Guest:They said, thank you for saving my life tonight.
Guest:No, wait, no.
Guest:What did they really say?
Guest:Thank you.
Guest:I've loved you since I was 10.
Guest:The honest truth is I don't interact with the audience.
LAUGHTER
Marc:No, okay, again, it was a cheap shot.
Marc:How's your wife and children?
Guest:Is this now going to turn into taking shots at my wife and children?
Guest:No, no, no.
Guest:I think it's too late to shift the tone of this interview.
Guest:You guys should just go at it until you're done.
Guest:Well, thank you for asking.
Guest:My wife, and she is my first wife, um...
Guest:She's doing great.
Guest:And our two kids are lovely and well-adjusted and up there in Connecticut.
Guest:They get good grades.
Guest:They're well-regarded.
Guest:So thank you for asking.
Guest:Sure.
Guest:How are your wives?
Marc:Are you still in touch with them?
Marc:No, no, I don't keep in touch with them.
Marc:There's no reason to.
Marc:I don't have children.
Marc:And how are your kids?
Marc:I don't have kids, yeah.
Marc:Can I just be honest with you?
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:There's no way your kids aren't going to be fucked up.
Guest:That's probably true.
Guest:But at least they will have grown up in a mansion.
Marc:Michael Ian Black, ladies and gentlemen.
Marc:It's my honor and pleasure to bring out a guy I haven't seen in a while.
Marc:I love him.
Marc:When I lived in New York, he was an ever-present, ever-hilarious fucking influence on me.
Marc:Jim Norton, ladies and gentlemen.
Guest:Thank you.
Guest:Jim Norton.
Guest:Thank you.
Guest:That was a delightful welcome.
Guest:You fucking look great.
Guest:Thank you.
Guest:I'd be sick.
Guest:No.
Guest:I love telling people that.
Guest:They're like, you lost weight.
Guest:I'm like, yeah, well, they found a lump.
Guest:Do you really do that?
Guest:You do do that.
Guest:Yeah, yeah, I do.
Guest:It's great pleasure.
Guest:How long do you let it sit there?
Guest:Until they fucking hear this podcast, they all think I have cancer.
Marc:But you don't have cancer.
Guest:No, no, I'm healthy.
Guest:Yeah?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:What do you do to lose weight?
Guest:Just not eating and going to the gym.
Marc:Really?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:What fucking shifted?
Marc:What was the moment?
Marc:What were you doing when you realized, ugh?
Guest:It was fucking one too many moments of honestly just pinching my B-cup tits in the mirror and just saying, you should fucking put a shotgun in your mouth, you fat nothing.
Guest:One too many moments of that.
Guest:And I'm like, I have to do something.
Guest:I had a moment of clarity.
Guest:I'm just hating my own guts in the mirror.
Marc:Did you feel like you were itchy from the inside that you wanted to fucking rip out of your skin?
Guest:Yeah, it was always just that fucking disgusting, uncomfortable feeling.
Guest:I never felt good about it.
Guest:It was really weird.
Guest:The only people I felt comfortable with were prostitutes because I need my nipples played with.
Guest:And when you're on top of somebody and your fucking tits are hanging down and someone's going to play with your nipples, you're paying for a prostitute to pretend that she's not grossed out doing that.
Guest:That's where the money is going.
Guest:It's not for the fucking.
Guest:It's for the acting she does.
Marc:I just love that every part of that story was just to get to your discomfort with your boobs.
Guest:That really is all it is.
Guest:That's all it is.
Guest:And it's weird not having that anymore.
Guest:I mean, I'm still not in great shape.
Marc:How do the hookers feel?
Guest:Still as necessary, but for other reasons.
Marc:But, I mean, are they okay with your tits now?
Guest:You're not feeling any tit insecurity with the... I just want to go back to dating and fucking regular girls at this point.
Guest:Yeah, I kind of feel ready just to go back and try to get it for free for the first time in three years.
LAUGHTER
Guest:It is free.
Guest:What's that?
Guest:It's free.
Guest:It is for some people.
Guest:But you could have gotten girls during this whole time, no?
Guest:I attract sociopaths.
Guest:I don't attract anybody emotionally healthy.
Guest:I got stalked for two years by some girl in Boston who I fucked once.
Guest:And I lost my erection three minutes into it.
Guest:I was terrible.
Guest:And she still stalked me for two years.
Guest:So I've been kind of gun shy ever since then.
Marc:You owed her.
Marc:She felt that you owed her.
Marc:You didn't finish...
Guest:Yeah, it was just that psychotic fucking needy look, like, we have unfinished business, don't we?
Guest:I'm like, ugh.
Marc:How do you handle a stalker?
Marc:What did you do?
Guest:I did it.
Guest:I mean, I know what to do with a stalker.
Guest:You have to totally ignore them.
Guest:You never talk to them.
Guest:You never give them feedback.
Guest:Because if you wait six months, then you pick up and you go, fucking leave me alone.
Guest:You've taught them that it takes six months to get a response.
Guest:But once in a while, I would just snap.
Guest:And luckily, she started fucking my coworker, who makes a lot more money than me.
Guest:And that finally got her off my back.
Guest:What are you saying?
Guest:so is she on to him now no she's done with him because he gave her phone number out of the air and uh some people she got like a bunch of people calling her and i guess that somebody isn't social media great it really is for that if you're being stalked social media is great but like how the do you like you know like i i had a run in with all these trolls this morning and you know i talked to you about it i mean how do you deal with them i mean what do you do
Guest:I've gotten a lot of hate mail.
Guest:I had a big fight with Jesse Ventura.
Guest:Over what?
Guest:Over 9-11 truth conspiracy.
Marc:Where do you stand on that shit?
Guest:I don't believe there was a conspiracy by the government.
Guest:He and I had a very uncomfortable argument.
Guest:He's a hard guy to have a discussion with.
Guest:You get one point and I'll be like, well, Jesse, I didn't think that's what happened.
Guest:Oh, I guess you were in the military.
Guest:All right, you win.
Guest:Sorry.
Guest:I wasn't a SEAL.
Guest:I'm a cunt.
Guest:You're right.
Guest:I'm wrong.
Guest:But I got a lot of weird threats and shit from his people.
Guest:And I'm stupid because I answer hate mail, which is dumb.
Guest:You shouldn't answer it.
Guest:You shouldn't feed into it.
Guest:But I'm like, yeah, go fuck yourself, you anonymous nobody.
Guest:You never answer my hate mail.
Guest:What's that?
Guest:You never answer my hate mail.
Guest:Well, you didn't send the cockpit I requested.
Marc:And when you engage with them, what happens?
Guest:It gets really ugly and once in a while, they usually back off or I'll back off, but once in a while you realize that you're dealing with somebody who's got real emotional problems and it's kind of stupid to engage them.
Marc:Yeah, right?
Marc:And you feel that there's that moment where you realize, what are you looking for from them?
Marc:To what, like you?
Marc:You think you're going to win something?
Guest:No, I don't care if they like me.
Guest:I want them to be angry.
Guest:Because it's like they're anonymous.
Guest:You know how they come at you anonymously, which makes me fucking hate them for coming at me without their real name.
Guest:Because it's cowardly.
Guest:Yeah, but the ones who use their real name are frightening.
Guest:Like, you know, my name is Bill Watson.
Guest:I'm going to cut your throat.
Guest:All right, Bill.
Guest:My fault.
Guest:I didn't mean to engage that.
Guest:You know?
Guest:I had one guy who was fucking giving me a hard time for years, and I would just attack his anonymity because I wanted to know who he was.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And he finally sent me a picture of his family, and he goes, this is who I am, and this is what I do for a living.
Guest:And then he kind of turned into a friendly guy.
Guest:He's like, hey, man, if you're ever on Long Island, you're welcome to stay at the house.
Wow.
Guest:He was sucking you in.
Guest:Yeah, but he was okay.
Guest:He wasn't the threat that I thought he was going to be.
Guest:But it's fucking scary, and I'm stupid to engage him, because in those moments, you make really bad decisions.
Marc:For some reason, every time I see you, I want you to tell me that Ron Jeremy story.
Guest:Ron likes that story.
Guest:I hosted the porn awards in 2003, and I wasn't having... None of the girls wanted to fuck me after.
Marc:None of the girls?
Marc:None of the porn girls?
Guest:Yeah, of course.
Guest:Who else?
Guest:None of the porn girls.
Guest:None of the girls?
Guest:None of the girls.
Guest:I'm not selective.
Guest:It's not like half did and not the ones I wanted.
Guest:None.
Guest:If one of the girls wanted to fuck me, there would be no Ron Jeremy story.
Marc:Do you realize that you being on this panel is exciting to me?
Marc:Why?
Marc:Because I never thought that I would get Maria and Jim Norton on the same day.
Marc:I like Maria.
Marc:I know.
Marc:Two worlds, you know what I mean?
Guest:It's funny.
Guest:I wanted to bring a date to the awards, and there was a transsexual porn star named Vanity who I asked to be my date for the porn award.
Guest:She was arrested for blowing somebody at the expo in the afternoon, so she wasn't available.
LAUGHTER
Guest:Which means I really made the right choice for a date.
Marc:Can we talk about the transsexual thing?
Marc:You like transsexual.
Marc:Who doesn't?
Guest:What am I, a communist?
Marc:How far does it go with them, generally?
Guest:Well, how far should it go?
Guest:I don't know.
Guest:Well, you pay to come, so I'm not going to stop before I'm... Here's 300 bucks.
Guest:God bless.
Guest:Go home.
Guest:No.
Guest:Okay.
Marc:So you're at the porn awards.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:And what happens?
Marc:We're on.
Guest:I went up to, a buddy of mine owns the Bunny Ranch, and I've never got, he's invited me, but I just, I never went, and I went up and I walked into the room, and Ron Jeremy, who I knew casually, was having sex with a girl.
Guest:This is true, my friend was going down on a girl on the table, and I just sat down, and Ron was having sex with a girl on the bed, and there was another girl that he had just had sex with, and in between them, he went into the bathroom, and he took rubbing alcohol, and he was cleaning his penis with rubbing alcohol.
Guest:LAUGHTER
Guest:I didn't say it was a sexy story folks.
Guest:I'm just answering fucking Mark's question.
Marc:But you know, I think that shows that he's a professional.
Guest:It really is.
Guest:But I asked him why he did that, and he said it's to make sure that there's no cuts, which I guess is very practical.
Guest:And so he was having sex with her, and he goes, you know, Jim, she looks like she needs a cock in her mouth.
Guest:And I looked at her like, well, you know, and she was like, I do.
Guest:So I'm like, all right.
Guest:And I'm not big on being public like that, but I had to for the story.
Guest:And...
Guest:Oh, gracious.
Guest:Yeah.
Thank you.
Guest:I need rubbing alcohol just from hearing the story.
Guest:But do you hear how much better this is than if one of the girls had liked me at the award show?
Guest:This is how it should have ended up.
Guest:So I took it out, and she popped it in her mouth, and I had a threesome with Ron Jeremy.
Guest:I have photos of it.
Guest:It's really nice.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:But did he say something about your couch?
Guest:He did, actually.
Guest:He goes, thank you for remembering the story.
Guest:I haven't told that story since 2007.
Guest:He goes, hey, man, you got a really nice piece.
Guest:Which...
Guest:Which, looking back, I think he was fucking being polite.
Guest:Like, almost like if someone after a show goes, I got a joke for you, I'll go, ah, you know.
Guest:Because the joke always sucks.
Guest:It's never a good one.
Guest:Like, you ought to come to my job.
Guest:No, I shouldn't, you fucking crushing dullard.
Guest:But I'll be polite and I'll laugh.
Guest:So you thought he was just complimenting your cock at a niceness?
Guest:Yeah, but what was he going to say?
Guest:Like, ugh, you know.
Guest:He had to fucking...
Marc:Oh, fuck.
Marc:Yeah, that's true.
Marc:So have you been working a lot on the road or what?
Guest:Yeah, I mean, you know, thank God the whole threesome with Ron Jeremy thing.
Guest:I'm glad that's done.
Guest:It's back to doing fucking gigs in Baltimore because that's what you really want to do.
Guest:And, you know, I'm here tomorrow night.
Guest:I got a show, you know, in the sold-out show, but apparently there was 1,600 comps that they just released.
Guest:So that's what the promoters tell you when you're not selling tickets.
Guest:Like, no, it's going okay, but they just released a bunch of comps, if you want to mention that.
Guest:So if you have any desire to do anything at midnight tomorrow, boy, is there availability.
Marc:When you go when you go out there, who do you bring with you who opens for you?
Guest:I don't really know who's I always try to bring someone I always try to bring a person who's very different than me who's really funny like I used Amy Schumer for a while But you know, she's obviously too big to open out or I try to find a woman who's very different than me and kills just so our energy is you do Annie Letterman, right?
Guest:Yeah, I like Annie a lot.
Guest:She's very funny.
Marc:So you like to bring a woman opener?
Guest:Yeah, but, you know, the energy is totally different.
Guest:Because I've used guys before, and they think that they have to be dirty in front of me and filthy, and, like, I don't want to follow somebody going for the same fucking issue.
Guest:You should use someone like Natalie Merchant or Suzanne Goldberg.
Guest:LAUGHTER LAUGHTER
Guest:I would like to, like, remark snidely, but I fucking think that's the best idea I've heard.
Marc:But what kind of audience... Like, to be honest with you, sometimes I think I'd be... Like, I'm sure I could handle your audience, but sometimes they... Of course you could.
Marc:I think they might be frightening.
Marc:Am I wrong?
Guest:Nah, in certain locations they are, but... Like, where are those places?
Guest:Philadelphia.
Guest:They're fucking...
Guest:Are you from Philly?
Guest:I had one opener one time.
Guest:We were doing a gig and the fucking people stood up and started doing an Eagles chant in the middle of his act.
Guest:And they weren't being dicks to him on purpose.
Guest:They were just like, you know, we'll just do an Eagles chant.
Marc:We're bored.
Marc:We're going to do this.
Guest:Yeah, they weren't even bored.
Guest:They're like, hey, he's funny, but it doesn't matter that there's a human being talking on stage.
Guest:We should do an Eagles chant because we're just fucking drunks.
Marc:What's the worst fucking thing that's happened to you with one of your fans when you've been performing?
Marc:Is there problems?
Guest:No, very rarely.
Guest:The worst thing that's... The fights have broken out in the shows, but I usually don't know about them.
Guest:I'm just kind of fucking motor-mouthing to survive it.
Guest:I'm always happy when I walk off and somebody hasn't asked me to sign an album in front of the Dakota.
Guest:I'm always...
Guest:All right.
Guest:I should have made that a clearer reference, but I'm going to be murdered by one of my own fans is the point I'm making.
Guest:Have you had moments where you look at the guy and you're like, this is it?
Guest:Fuck.
Guest:You ever see talk radio when the guy walks up to Boghossian and goes, hey, great show.
Guest:And he goes to sign somebody and he goes, you're a dead fucker.
Guest:That's exactly how I'm going to go out.
Guest:Really?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I've actually seen it.
Guest:Yeah, somebody sooner or later.
Guest:Do you got guns?
Guest:No, no, I can't.
Guest:I don't trust myself to own a weapon.
Guest:Not that I'm violent towards other people, but I know that it would be just fucking too tempting to... He's already got a nice piece.
Guest:I can't believe Maria just said that.
Guest:Wow.
Guest:So...
Marc:How often do you do O&A?
Marc:You do it every day?
Marc:Every day, yeah.
Marc:So what time do you wake up?
Marc:5.30.
Marc:How do you handle it?
Marc:Because I did morning radio for a while.
Marc:It fucks your fucking life up.
Guest:Yeah, it's fucking horrible.
Guest:I'm an insomniac and I got sleep apnea and it's fucking terrible, man, because I go to bed at like 12 o'clock in the morning and I'm texting.
Guest:Sex addiction is fucking horrible.
Guest:It just fucks up your wiring and you can't sleep.
Guest:It's
Marc:And you always feel, like, fucking out of it?
Marc:Like, you've just, like, been hit in the head the whole time?
Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest:I just read Tom Sizemore's book about fucking doing meth, and it's like, you don't hide like you do meth, but you have that same fucking detachment from everything, and you feel nothing, and, you know.
Guest:Sorry to bum the whole crowd out with my fucking... Have you hallucinated?
Guest:No, yeah, I mean, I was like, hey, I think... Yeah, yeah, I have.
Guest:I'm like, yeah, well, she looks like a girl.
Guest:Deep down, I kind of know, but I pretend I don't know, so I don't have to question my own sexuality.
Guest:What is... Do you question your own sexuality?
Guest:Wouldn't you if you were me?
Guest:It's fucking... It's nothing but long shaves in the mirror going, are you or aren't you?
Guest:What the fuck is...
Guest:Fucking endless soul searching.
Guest:Fucking anything with a reflection.
Marc:But we were just talking about the idea of pansexuality, like it doesn't fucking matter.
Marc:Like, you know, it's just a feeling.
Marc:You don't have to define it, right?
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:Well said.
Marc:But when you're, like, having sex with a transsexual, do you sit there and go, like, what am I doing?
Guest:No, I mean, I know what I'm doing.
Guest:Fucking having a ball is what I'm doing.
Guest:I'm trying to convince myself.
Guest:Like, yeah, you know, but my dick is harder than it should be at this moment.
Guest:I'm sorry to only be talking about sex.
Guest:I don't want to just be a fucking dick joke.
Guest:I apologize.
Marc:No, we can talk about whatever you want.
Marc:What else is on your mind?
Marc:We don't have to talk about it.
Guest:Sex, but I mean, I feel bad that that's all I'm talking about because there's fucking funny people up here.
Marc:It's embarrassing.
Marc:No, it's not.
Marc:What do you mean it's embarrassing?
Guest:Well, you know, it's just...
Marc:So let's talk about something else.
Guest:No, I'm fine talking about that.
Marc:Let's be honest.
Marc:Go with what you know in front of an audience.
Marc:What do your folks think of what's going on?
Marc:Do you get support from your family?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:It's fucking embarrassing when they come to the shows, though.
Guest:One time I was talking about golden showers on the fucking radio.
Guest:Do you like those?
Guest:Of course.
Guest:I wouldn't have talked about it.
Guest:I wasn't judging them.
Guest:Shame.
Guest:Shame.
Guest:What's the appeal of that?
Guest:Wait, is it giving or getting?
Guest:Both.
Guest:Nice question, Michael.
Guest:Nice question, Michael.
Guest:What's the cleanup situation on that?
Guest:The cleanup situation?
Guest:I'll show you.
Guest:There.
Guest:The cleanup.
Guest:What would you do if somebody served you a meal?
Guest:Throw it all over the bed?
Guest:Of course you wouldn't.
Marc:So...
Marc:And this is, these are supposedly open-minded people, but I think that, can you tell us what's great about it?
Guest:I don't know, it's a weird, as a kid I hadn't attracted, and I'm not saying, I swear, I'm not trying to be shocked, I don't think it's outrageous.
Guest:No, I believe you.
Guest:When I was a kid, I used to, there was two twins, and I would fucking, I would get them both to sit on my face with their pants, because they would always piss their pants and I would smell it.
Guest:This is like I was in second grade, so that smell has always had some kind of a,
Guest:weird thing for me.
Guest:This woman up front is very upset about this story.
Guest:What's that?
Guest:Woman up front very upset by this story.
Guest:Miss, you don't have to be.
Marc:It's, you know, it's... No, I mean, who hasn't had that happen where you're smelling pee and... I don't think that's unusual.
Guest:Yeah, come on.
Guest:I mean, fucking animals piss on trees.
Guest:They know, all right, stay away, stay away.
Guest:It's something that we all kind of...
Marc:Yeah, but you didn't stay away.
Guest:No, I didn't.
Guest:I fucking, you know, I fucking showed up and I fucking laid back and I opened my mouth.
Guest:But I was talking about it on the radio.
Guest:The reason I mentioned this is yes.
Guest:You're telling the truth.
Guest:I love that.
Guest:I was I was I was I was telling that story on the radio one time.
Guest:Yeah, my father and mother had been listening to the radio and my father goes, you know, your mother and I were listening.
Guest:And we heard you talking about that weird sexual stuff.
Guest:And he goes, but I told your mom that you were just kidding.
Guest:And I'll never forget the look was just like, please, God, just nod that you were fucking kidding.
Guest:I'm like, oh, yeah, Dad, I was just riffing for the radio.
Guest:And we both knew that I wasn't.
Guest:Jim, you just elbowed me.
Guest:And I just I want to maintain a barrier between us.
Guest:I'm just trying to connect with somebody.
Guest:How quickly does it cool?
Guest:Again, I've never let it stay out long enough to tell.
Guest:It's fucking body temperature and it goes right down.
Guest:How many dates in do you get to sort of... What's that?
Guest:How many dates?
Guest:How many dates in?
Guest:Yeah, I mean, it's not first date stuff.
Guest:If it doesn't happen on the first, it's the last.
LAUGHTER
Guest:make note ladies or whatever no only women with that only women yeah yeah because you can't lie under somebody who's standing over you and convince yourself otherwise yeah so you'd rather not see the dick if there is one of course not no i don't even like that word she's just a lady with a gift
Guest:It's so important to celebrate the body.
Marc:Do any of you have any questions for Jim?
Guest:Or talk to... Does anybody shit on you?
Guest:Do you do that?
Guest:That's a great question.
Guest:The entire business... Let's see.
Guest:Anybody with a network job?
Guest:No, no, no.
Guest:I'm not that fucking weird.
Guest:Why would I do that?
Guest:I mean, come on, man.
Guest:I like cheesecake, but I don't have to have that and apple tart.
Guest:This is not like...
Guest:Is this your regular sex life or is this like an occasional?
Guest:No, no, no.
Guest:It's just, you know, whatever.
Guest:It sounds weird to talk about, but it's not.
Guest:When you talk to somebody who's fucking got a 25 or 30 year drug run, they talk about drinking and winding up in jail.
Guest:This stuff just sounds weird.
Guest:It's also very common.
Guest:In all seriousness, I interviewed when I was working with Mark at Air America.
Guest:This woman who wrote a book, she's a madam, a famous one in Washington, D.C.
Guest:And golden showers is one of the most common things.
Guest:And also, I know that you said you're not as a defecation, but over a coffee table.
Guest:Oh, yeah.
Guest:The last coffee table.
Guest:And the most powerful men, she said, in Washington and in the world of corporate finance are the ones that want the most a thing called a ball buster, which is where she would stand in her high heels on their sack.
Yeah.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And golden showers and defecation.
Guest:And a lot of these guys, because they felt, who were very powerful during the day and did things during the day they were not sort of proud of, like cultural, financial and political crimes.
Guest:They wanted...
Guest:And also they didn't want to be in control all the time.
Guest:They wanted to be dominated by this woman.
Guest:And golden showers, it's actually a very, very common thing.
Guest:Coffee table, defecation, not as much.
Guest:Danny Thomas, though.
Guest:Chuck Berry, I've heard.
Guest:Chuck Berry, in that tape of Chuck Berry with the golden showers, he does it in the tub.
Guest:Remember Chuck Berry's urinating on the sex worker?
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:And she's like, oh, it's in my eyes.
Guest:And then she says, kiss me.
Guest:He's like, I'm not going to kiss you.
Guest:He's got piss all over your face.
Guest:And then he was flatulent to add insult to injury.
Guest:And then he's like, nah, you can smell my fuck.
Guest:Chuck Berry.
Guest:He did invent rock and roll music.
Guest:He's a wonderful musician.
Guest:But I think it's actually much more common and not that odd.
Marc:Well, I think, Janine, I think we all feel very good about it now.
Marc:Don't we?
Guest:Well, it's not like...
Guest:like we should make Jim feel like it's ridiculous.
Guest:I don't think it's that unusual that people want to be urinated on.
Marc:Folks, I think tonight is the night that a lot of you go home.
Marc:Lay under your coffee table.
Marc:Yeah, we've started the conversation for you.
Marc:There's got to be at least two or three dudes in here that are like, I never really thought about it, but it sounds pretty good.
Guest:By the way, the coffee table is known as the dignity saver.
Guest:I'll be happy to donate this bottle of water to get things started.
Guest:Is that what it's called?
Guest:The dignity saver, yeah.
Guest:What's that?
Guest:Let's throw out these water bottles to get things started.
Marc:But when you go, we don't have to keep talking about it, but when you think about your perfect girl, like if you've lost a weight, you want to start getting out into the world, how does that look to you?
Marc:Who do you think you're going to get?
Guest:I don't know.
Guest:I've gotten so fucking odd in my... I'm 44, and I'm starting to get turned on by weird stuff.
Guest:I really mean this.
Guest:Honestly, I like... He's starting to get turned on by weird stuff.
Guest:It's just starting now.
Guest:There's a twist in the story.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Just that weird shit.
Guest:Hand-holding, pecking on the cheek.
Fucking...
Guest:But no, I don't know, man, because it's always that quest for more.
Guest:It's not about looking for one thing.
Marc:So it's like a compulsion.
Guest:Of course, yeah.
Guest:There's not a real goal.
Guest:It's the idea of always hunting.
Marc:Okay, let me ask you this then.
Marc:Did you start off, like, with any compulsion, did it start off slow?
Marc:Was it just like jerking off, then jerking off for an hour, then jerking off for two hours, and like, you know?
Guest:I don't remember.
Guest:It started off in fucking grammar school, like when I was in first, second grade.
Guest:Always with kids, but I was never molested.
Guest:I show all the signs of being molested.
Guest:Right.
Guest:But I have none of the memories of that.
Guest:It was all kids my own age.
Guest:It was never anybody, like no adults.
Guest:And it's funny because you look like a molester.
Guest:I should have.
Guest:Well, I think this has been... Laughed a little too long, Joe.
Guest:That was funny.
Guest:I'll tell you why.
Guest:And it has nothing to do with my blacked-out van windows.
Guest:It's because I thought you were...
Guest:I thought you were gonna say I look like I've been molested and you hit me with molester and I was like that was a fucking... I understand why you would think that.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Would you like to have children?
Guest:Nah, I'm not into kids in any... That's why I hate... Honestly.
Guest:That's why pedophilia is so unappealing to me because I don't even want kids as fucking friends.
Guest:I hate them.
Guest:I really do.
Guest:I admire them.
Guest:They're cute, but I have no desire to be around kids in any way, shape, or form.
Guest:Really?
Marc:None.
Marc:Can you track the feeling?
Marc:That kid is a fucking asshole?
Guest:No, no, no.
Guest:It's just because I'm self-centered and I know I wouldn't be able to be a good... You know what I mean?
Guest:I worry too much about what I want to do.
Marc:Do you have nephews, nieces?
Guest:I love my nephew.
Guest:My nephew's like 18 and I have another nephew.
Guest:I love my nephew.
Marc:Do they come to your shows?
Guest:My 18-year-old nephew does, yeah, but the other one's four months, so no, he hasn't been to one yet.
Marc:Ladies and gentlemen, Jim Norton.
Guest:Hear your kick on that music.
Guest:Michael Ian Black, Maria Bamford, Todd Berry, Janine Garofalo.
Guest:Thank you, Austin.
Guest:Thank you, Moon Tower.
Guest:Thank you for listening to WTF.
Marc:Good night.
you