Episode 41 - Jimmy Pardo / Jeff Garlin / Kate Micucci
Guest 4:Lock the gates!
Marc:Are we doing this?
Marc:Really?
Marc:Wait for it.
Marc:Are we doing this?
Marc:Wait for it.
Marc:Pow!
Marc:What the fuck?
Marc:And it's also... Eh, what the fuck?
Marc:What's wrong with me?
Marc:It's time for WTF!
Marc:What the fuck?
Guest 8:With Mark Maron.
Oh!
Guest 5:Thank you.
Guest 5:Good evening, live what-the-fuckers, what-the-fuck buddies.
Guest 5:Hi.
Marc:What-the-fuckineers.
Marc:Welcome to the show.
Marc:We are at the UCB Theater in Los Angeles, California, doing a live podcast of what-the-fuck.
Marc:Welcome.
Marc:God, you quieted it down awfully quick.
Marc:Jesus Christ.
Marc:I am so fucking ready for this rain to stop.
Marc:What is with L.A.
Marc:drivers?
Marc:They get watered and they turn into retards.
Marc:How is that even possible?
Marc:It's just water.
Marc:Cars are made to go through water.
Marc:And then I started to get really depressed about the rain because I was in Seattle for three days before this rain.
Marc:And I came down here and it was raining.
Marc:And I really had to fight my narcissistic incentive to not believe I was causing the rain.
Yeah.
Marc:And that's difficult for me.
Marc:Come five days of rain, I'm like, I'm doing this.
Marc:There's a lot of things going on.
Marc:I'm a little anxious and I'm a little tense because, as some of you know, if you listen to the podcast, the woman who lives at my house, who I don't call my roommate because I'm 46, I just refuse to acknowledge I have a roommate at my age, so it's a woman who lives at my house.
Marc:But that woman brought an espresso machine into the house, which is fucking bad for me.
Marc:Yeah, because I have three in the morning.
Marc:I had one before I came here.
Marc:I'm jacked up.
Marc:I had to take my nicotine lozenge out of my mouth out of fear of some sort of cardiac problem.
Marc:I just had this problem.
Marc:Nothing that feels good to me is good for me.
Marc:I've been trying to go over my relationships in my life.
Marc:Some of you listen to the show, and I had Almost Dr. Steve on.
Marc:He's almost a doctor.
Marc:That's legitimate.
Marc:He's a family therapist, but he hasn't finished his whatever it is, PhD or whatever.
Marc:But he's practicing, so it counts.
Marc:And I had this horrible realization the other day.
Marc:I know some of you know I was divorced, but I'm over that.
Marc:And I don't know if I want to have another relationship like that where there's somebody in the house that isn't a roommate.
Marc:I don't know if that's a good thing because then I started to realize people talk about wanting love and intimacy.
Marc:Really?
Marc:Because I was trying to assess my relationships and I don't do the love and intimacy thing.
Marc:What I do is the tension release thing.
Marc:Isn't that more satisfying on some level?
Marc:I mean, what's the big to-do about intimacy and trust and all that shit?
Marc:Isn't it funner just to have drama and then have weird, angry sex?
Marc:Where you're like, I'm sorry, but I fucking hate you.
Marc:And then you fuck it out.
Marc:Why are you people judging me?
Marc:You know what?
Marc:Feel free to judge.
Marc:I hate when people say, don't judge.
Marc:Because I'm like, why would you take away my hobby?
Marc:What else am I supposed to do?
Marc:What do we do when there's downtime if I can't judge?
Marc:That's part of the fun of being alive, is judging.
Marc:Why should God have all the fun?
Marc:I'm glad you guys are here.
Marc:I've been depressed, but then I realized, like I couldn't figure out why I was upset.
Marc:And then I realized that the woman who lives in my house brought the entire first season of Six Feet Under.
Marc:into the house, which I've seen before, but you watch two in a night, that's not meant to be taken that way.
Marc:There's no way that show is meant to be consumed like that.
Marc:I couldn't understand why I was getting up so fucking dark-minded and freaked out because I got to sit through that fucking manipulative chore of a fucking horror show every night.
Marc:Anyways, I have other things I want to talk about.
Marc:Primarily, I don't do a lot of politics anymore because I have no patience for it because we're all fucked.
Marc:And this whole thing, this campaign finance rule reversed.
Marc:The Supreme Court just basically said it's okay for corporations to put as much money into campaigns as they want with no filters or restrictions whatsoever.
Marc:And I know some people are like, so what's the difference?
Marc:It's a big fucking difference.
Marc:I mean, I think that the only way that can be okay is if they just full-on sponsor the campaign and the candidate has to wear the patches on their jacket like NASCAR drivers.
Marc:So you could actually see, it's like, I don't know if I like that guy, Pfizer, Daniel Archer, Midland.
Marc:I don't think I'm going to vote for that guy.
Marc:I'm going to go with the Starbucks guy, the guy who's got the Starbucks patch on in the debate that's sponsored by Staples at the Staples Center.
Okay.
Marc:That worked good.
Marc:I have to realize that there's this weird thing.
Marc:I know I'm talking to people on the podcast, but I'm also talking to you directly.
Marc:I'm trying to figure out if there's anything else I need to talk about before we get the show going.
Marc:Did Jeff Garland show up?
Marc:All right.
Marc:Could you turn down the Jew a little bit?
Marc:Before you come out, I mean, you're not on stage yet, and all I heard through the wall was, I'm a Jew, I'm here.
Marc:Let's do a couple emails.
Marc:Those are always fun.
Marc:Oh, by the way, I'm taping a pilot presentation for Comedy Central next Thursday.
Marc:It's nice that you're applauding presentation.
Marc:But it's not even going to be on television.
Marc:You people might be the only people that see it if you're coming.
Marc:But it's the 28th at the Hudson Theater at 7 p.m.
Marc:You can call the number that I don't have for reservations.
Marc:It should be somewhere, shouldn't it?
Marc:I should have that.
Marc:I'm not a very professional.
Marc:How are you doing?
Marc:Are you okay?
Marc:It's a little close to B to me.
Marc:Because it's not funny there.
Marc:It's still anger.
Marc:It doesn't dissipate to funny to three rows back.
Marc:So I don't know what you're like emotionally, but just absorb it like many of the women in my life have.
Marc:I...
Marc:Because if you deflect it, I'll feel that, and then we'll get into the tension release thing.
Marc:I'm assuming that's your man right there, and I don't want to cause any discomfort.
Marc:Like now.
Marc:Like now.
Marc:Like now I'm causing discomfort.
Marc:I love all the emails that you guys send me, but someone sent me one today.
Marc:I got one today.
Marc:She goes, you know what you should do, Mark, that I think you'd really enjoy is reread The Odyssey by Homer.
Marc:I mean, it's a noble undertaking, but I'm like, where did that come from?
Marc:What Mark needs is to reread Homer's Odyssey.
Marc:Doesn't she know the heroic struggle I am dealing with every day?
Marc:And I was trying to think if I remembered any of the Odyssey outside of the fact that the dog recognizes him when he comes back and there's all those guys trying to fuck his wife.
Marc:And then there's, but the sirens, I remember the sirens, where they had to tie him to the, what do you call it, the mast of the ship as they drove down the island where all these sirens were, which are just, I guess, just women who can make noises and you have the overwhelming desire to fuck them to the point where you lose your mind.
Marc:Apparently the person that sent me this email does not know my daily struggle with you porn.
LAUGHTER
Marc:where I literally hear the sirens on my computer every day.
Marc:It's like, Mark, waste 20 minutes with us.
Marc:Come watch Strangers Fuck and make yourself feel bad for you.
Marc:By the way, the woman who was at my house didn't need to know that, and she's here.
Marc:I apologize.
Marc:I didn't do it today.
Marc:Stosh.
Marc:Is that all I wanted to say?
Marc:You want to read an email?
Marc:Those are fun.
Marc:One in a series of what the fucks.
Marc:Dear Mark.
Marc:So my boyfriend and I were driving in Portland, Oregon, where we live.
Marc:We're stopped at a red light, waiting to turn right, and there's a huge fucking truck in front of us.
Marc:No blinker on and definitely not in the right turn lane.
Marc:So my boyfriend sneaks around him to go right.
Marc:Then the light turns green.
Marc:All of a sudden, this massive truck decides to go right and almost smashes into us.
Marc:We just keep going, unfazed.
Marc:But then he has the audacity to honk at us a bunch of times like it was our fault and starts riding our ass.
Marc:What the fuck?
Marc:So, of course, I flip the douchebag off out of the window.
Marc:Then he speeds around us, gets in front of us, stops his truck, blocking us from driving and almost forcing us to rear-end him.
Marc:A little tiny man, in parentheses, obviously with a Napoleon complex and little dick syndrome, gets out and starts screaming at us.
Marc:And we scream back that he didn't have a blinker on, and eventually he gets back in the truck.
Marc:Just before he drives away, I notice a little unassuming bumper sticker.
Marc:As I looked closer, I realized that it is a smiley face with a Hitler mustache.
Marc:What the fuck?
Marc:Not only that, but on the other side, there was another one that said, it's a white thing you wouldn't understand.
Marc:Jesus Christ, I can't believe we almost got in a car wreck street fight with little Hitler.
Marc:I'm almost laughing because I cannot believe that this man exists and hasn't been stabbed yet.
Marc:I really wanted to follow him, but I couldn't.
Marc:And to this day, any time we see a gigantic white truck, we look to see if it has the stickers and wait for the day we can key it and slash the tires.
Marc:The world is nuts.
Marc:That's from Ginger.
Marc:Yeah, that's always a good thing to fight Nazis is keys and slashing tires.
Marc:It's the first act of defense against Nazis.
Marc:I have my key, and I will poke a hole in your tire.
Marc:I don't know if any of you heard the episode we did with the guy that smoked salvia on the air.
Marc:Anybody?
Marc:All right.
Marc:This is a guy that smoked salvia, and I found the poetry of it too fucking beautiful to not share.
Marc:Dear Mark, last August, I took salvia with my brother and roommate.
Marc:It was a very hot Sunday afternoon.
Marc:We had just come back from playing soccer in the park when we felt like tripping out a little.
Marc:I understand.
Marc:We each grabbed a pipe that had been filled with salvia.
Marc:First, my roommate smoked and did his thing.
Marc:Then it was my turn.
Marc:REM's album, Out of Time, was playing, and the song was Me and Honey.
Marc:About 10 seconds after I exhaled my smoke, my body started to split into tiny cubes.
Marc:That's fucking beautiful.
Marc:Then the room started to fold inward to reveal outer space and the many layers of existence.
Marc:My consciousness then proceeded to jettison itself out of the back of my head.
Marc:That's spectacular.
Marc:I feel that when I wake up.
Marc:All right.
Marc:I was about three stories above my own body watching myself.
Marc:I thought all of this was real.
Marc:I actually thought that I'd left this dimension and was being shown the true reality.
Marc:That is an incredible feeling.
Marc:Then I started moving backwards at incredible speeds into the cosmos.
Marc:I was freaking out.
Marc:I wanted to go back to life.
Marc:I was moving too fast and my mind hurt.
Marc:I want to go back, I yelled.
Marc:Then a choir of normal-sounding people...
Marc:Kept telling me that it was my time to go.
Marc:I pleaded to go back.
Marc:Then eventually, I stopped moving backwards and hovered in space.
Marc:Remember, to me, this was all actually happening.
Marc:I thought I was in the middle of space and then started moving forward at incredible speeds and re-entered my body only to get pulled out again.
Marc:And then I had to struggle with all my strength to refill my body with the cubes of my existence.
Guest 6:What the fuck?
Guest 6:I will never smoke salvia again.
Guest 6:That's too beautiful to me.
Guest 6:He had to fill his body with the cubes of his existence.
Guest 6:That should be a board game.
Marc:Like something you play with the whole family.
Marc:It kind of is.
Marc:Holidays.
Marc:All right.
Marc:One more, because I'm getting a lot of emails from teenagers, troubled teens, but not troubled in the way that teens are troubled that you see on TV or drug problems, just people who are, these kids are like me.
Marc:Hey, Mark, I'm a 15-year-old and I've been going through some real bad shit.
Marc:It's weird that people write to me as if I can help them somehow.
Marc:Like, I would think that if you listen to my podcast, I would think that the first thing you think is like, I'm not going to ask this guy for help.
Marc:Because clearly he's barely hanging on himself.
Marc:But I think that's why they ask me, and I'll write them all back.
Marc:I wrote back some woman with a relationship device the other day.
Marc:I wrote her back.
Marc:She had problems with her relationship, and I wrote her a big, long email, and that was a week ago, and I have not heard back.
Marc:Hey, Mark, I'm a 15-year-old, and I've been going through some real bad shit.
Marc:I found your podcast, and it's freaking awesome, man.
Marc:I had no clue that there were actual adults other than George Carlin that could see things the way they are and not try to rationalize and BS.
Marc:You're keeping me alive, man.
Marc:I've got a lot of what-the-fucks, but my most recent one was my older sister came to my house for Christmas.
Marc:She and my mom always get into fights about her smoking all the time.
Marc:I figure it's not worth fighting over, so one night she wanted to smoke in the 10-degree weather, LOL.
Marc:She didn't get a coat, so I lent her mine.
Marc:When she came back, my coat smelled like cigs, and the next morning my mom flipped all hell about me smoking.
Marc:We tried to explain...
Marc:But she didn't listen and instead sent my sister home and me to a clinic for teen smokers.
Marc:What the fuck?
Marc:Well, at the rate you're going, Justin, wait till she finds your crank.
Marc:No, I'm kidding.
Marc:I hope it all worked out for you.
Marc:Right now, let's bring out our first performer.
Marc:You might know him from his podcast, Never Not Funny.
Marc:He's also very recently unemployed as the warm-up act at Conan O'Brien.
Marc:Jimmy Pardo, ladies and gentlemen.
Woo!
Marc:Hi.
Marc:Hello.
Marc:Yeah, you can pull the mic out there.
Guest 7:Oh, you recommend I use the sound?
Marc:Yeah, you can use the sound.
Marc:Hello, Jimmy.
Marc:Hi, Mark.
Marc:How are you?
Marc:Are you okay?
Marc:I'm doing very well.
Marc:I'm concerned about Justin, obviously.
Marc:Yeah, well, Justin, I think, just smells like cigarettes right now.
Guest 7:That's the only problem he has.
Marc:He smells like cigarettes.
Marc:That's right.
Marc:No reason to panic for Justin.
Guest 7:You didn't do anything wrong, Justin.
Marc:He got a bum rap is what happened.
Marc:Because of his hippie sister.
Marc:That's right.
Marc:Put the ciggy butts away, you filth.
Marc:His fucking sister did not help him.
Marc:Just let him take the hit.
Guest 7:That's how your generation flies.
Marc:Yeah, I'll say.
Marc:What generation is that?
Marc:I don't know.
Marc:I don't know how old this sister is.
Guest 7:Do you have brothers and sisters?
Guest 7:I got a younger brother.
Guest 7:Really?
Guest 7:I do, too.
Guest 7:Okay.
Guest 7:Did you kick his ass?
Guest 7:No, no.
Guest 7:He's bigger and stronger than me.
Guest 7:I'm a pussy.
Guest 7:Don't you hate when that happens?
Guest 7:It's embarrassing.
Guest 7:He's younger than me, and he was better at sports than me.
Guest 7:He was all around better than me at everything, and then I showed him by getting into show business and being on basic cable.
Guest 7:Yeah.
Guest 7:Yeah.
Guest 7:Fuck you.
Guest 7:I'm on Game Show Network.
Guest 7:Teach that kid a lesson.
Guest 7:Right?
Guest 7:Suck it.
Guest 7:Yep.
Guest 7:That's what I said to my brother Mike, and then he punched me in the mouth.
Marc:My brother Craig was always smaller than me, and I kicked his ass a lot.
Marc:And then he grew taller than me and became like semi-professional tennis player.
Marc:And I said, fuck you.
Marc:I'm going to get strung out in drugs and go into comedy.
Marc:Who wins?
Marc:Who wins?
Marc:I think we won.
Guest 7:Look at us.
Guest 7:I would like to think we won, but it sounds like this tennis program won a couple of things.
Guest 7:He won a few trophies.
Guest 7:He's obviously handsome.
Guest 7:There's not an unattractive tennis player anywhere.
Marc:He was handsome, and then he let himself go a little bit.
Marc:What happened to Craig?
Marc:That's a shame.
Marc:He's going to feel so awful that we brought this up.
Guest 6:He doesn't listen.
Marc:He doesn't.
Marc:He has no time.
Marc:He's got three kids, and his wife has four kids.
Marc:There's no time.
Marc:That's seven kids.
Marc:That's seven kids.
Marc:Plus, he's got to hit the ball against the wall four hours a day.
Marc:Hit the kids with the racket.
Marc:Yeah, you cocksucker.
Marc:Boom.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Why not?
Marc:No, he doesn't play tennis anymore.
Marc:He's doing okay.
Marc:He's got a lot of kids.
Marc:Where does he live, this Craig?
Marc:He lives in Phoenix, Arizona.
Marc:I think that he should just open up a Jewish daycare center.
Marc:He's already got one started.
Marc:Is he Jewish?
Marc:No, he's not Jewish.
Marc:Well, wouldn't that hurt?
Marc:No, of course he's Jewish.
Marc:You're not Jewish.
Guest 7:No, I don't care for that.
Guest 7:But...
Guest 7:No.
Guest 7:In fact, I was reminded of a story earlier about the time that I was driving my truck and I ran a couple of kids off the road.
Guest 7:See, because I'm tiny and I hate Jews.
Guest 7:I like how every small guy, apparently in the bullying complex, why?
Guest 7:See, here's my problem with that fucking letter.
Guest 7:Trucks have to turn from this other lane or they go through the fucking gas station.
Guest 7:Or some guy that's trying to sell roses gets run over.
Guest 7:They've got to go from that other lane.
Guest 7:That's right.
Guest 7:You're the asshole, Ginger.
Guest 7:So what the fuck?
Guest 7:Right?
Guest 7:That's an applause break.
Guest 7:That happens from time to time.
Guest 7:But I think that the part that you're overlooking is that he didn't have his blinker on.
Guest 7:Yeah, you know what?
Guest 7:She's rewritten history as far as I'm concerned.
Guest 7:Every trucker puts on their turn signal.
Guest 7:I know where this is going.
Guest 7:The Holocaust didn't happen.
Guest 7:Or if it did, it happened in that truck.
Guest 7:And he's transporting some folks.
Guest 7:You can't moan that part of the story.
Guest 7:You can't moan the true part.
Marc:So the Napoleon complexing, that's bullshit, huh?
Guest 7:I think it's Bobby...
Marc:Well, you have like an inverted Napoleon complex.
Marc:Oh, yeah, right.
Marc:Because you're not a little guy, but you're shorter than me.
Marc:I'm trying to be polite.
Marc:I'm tiny.
Marc:I'm 5'4".
Marc:You are.
Marc:You're like a fucking dwarf.
Guest 7:I'm not a dwarf.
Guest 7:I just jumped on where you were going, and now I pushed the limit.
Marc:You know what?
Guest 7:You did, because I can say it.
Guest 7:It's kind of like if you started making fun of your mom that I jumped on, then that would be wrong.
Guest 7:So if I make fun of my height, great, but then when you jump on, I find that offensive.
Guest 7:I don't make fun of you and your insecurities and how you're self-loathing and you've got a smoking problem and that you did drugs.
Guest 7:I don't do any of that.
Marc:Okay, little man.
Guest 7:You son of a bitch!
Guest 7:I am mad.
Guest 7:I'm not really mad.
Marc:But you don't have that thing.
Guest 7:You don't have the, like, I'm... I think I hate myself too much to order others around.
Guest 7:I'm sure others would disagree.
Guest 7:I probably do.
Guest 7:Now we're all inside of your little sadness.
Guest 7:Isn't that what this show is?
Guest 7:I thought this whole show was... We come out and we bare our soul.
Guest 7:And now I didn't.
Guest 7:I'm the asshole?
Guest 7:My God, I thought it was a safe zone.
Guest 7:God damn it.
Marc:I'm the bad guy.
Marc:It's very safe.
Guest 7:I'll turn it on.
Guest 7:No, no, no.
Guest 7:I don't want you to turn it on.
Marc:You want me to do a little skit?
Marc:No, I want you to go deeper into the sadness.
Marc:What do you want?
Guest 7:Who did it?
Marc:Who did it to you?
Guest 7:You know what?
Guest 7:I wish I knew.
Guest 7:I don't know the answer to that.
Guest 7:I really wish... You know what?
Guest 7:It's funny you say that.
Guest 7:I wish to God that I would go to therapy one day and I would go, Oh, fuck!
Guest 7:My uncle touched me.
Guest 7:I wish I could...
Guest 7:I know, it's easier.
Guest 7:It's easier.
Guest 7:Because then I'd have something.
Marc:Yeah, you'd be like, that's what did it.
Marc:He broke the hole in me, and that's it.
Marc:Right?
Marc:I don't have that.
Marc:That's what caused a horrible vacuum that makes people drained when they're around me.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest 7:Whereas now it's just a fantasy, because he's a good-looking man, my uncle.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:But you know you can always keep it as a fantasy.
Marc:Life is just a fantasy.
Marc:Aldo Nova taught us that.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Well, the guy who just did the salvia, apparently, if you're not careful, it'll break into many cubes that you have to fill your vessel back up with.
Guest 7:And you know what?
Guest 7:I don't know enough about narcotics.
Guest 7:What did he smoke?
Marc:I don't know what that is.
Marc:It's a legal green.
Marc:It's part of the mint family where the kids are smoking it, and apparently for about three or four minutes, you just...
Marc:fucking lose your mind.
Marc:Yeah, you turn into cubes.
Marc:You remember when you had to do... Yeah, turn into cubes.
Marc:But when I was a kid, they didn't have anything that acted that quickly.
Marc:Remember when you had to take a bunch of deep breaths and stand up and have the guy behind you grab you until you kind of passed out?
Marc:Really?
Marc:You never went to camp?
Guest 7:No, and you know I'm a yes and guy.
Guest 7:I'd like to agree with that.
Marc:How about this?
Guest 7:I don't know what you're talking about.
Guest 7:Does anyone know what I'm talking about?
Marc:Okay.
Marc:Don't say yes.
Marc:The forced hyperventilation thing.
Marc:Very fun.
Marc:Maybe we'll do that later.
Marc:Ha ha!
Marc:That'd be hilarious.
Marc:If we don't have enough what the fuck stories, we certainly can do that.
Marc:Here's a what the fuck story.
Marc:I had a roommate in college that had his own nitrous tank.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:He had gotten a dentist-like issue nitrous tank.
Marc:It was this huge nitrous tank, and they used to go to a dental supply place, fill the tank up, and have nitrous parties.
Marc:There's nothing more tragic and sad than a nitrous party because it's just a bunch of people with garbage bags.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:You fill up the garbage bag with nitrous, and you take literally four hits, and then you just sort of pass out in the bag.
Yeah.
Marc:But I do understand the cubes and frequency thing.
Marc:I mean, that definitely happened with nitrous.
Marc:And you're like, I'm back.
Marc:I understood it all for a second.
Marc:Let me write it down.
Marc:Fuck, it's gone.
Guest 7:I drank.
Guest 7:Yeah.
Guest 7:I don't know these stories.
Guest 7:I spent time in a bottle, but I didn't... Did you stop that?
Guest 7:Do you still drink?
Guest 7:No, 10 years ago, July 18th at 99.
Guest 7:Congratulations.
Guest 7:Thank you very much.
Guest 7:Yeah, that's terrific.
Marc:Good for you.
Guest 7:That's a lot, 10 years of sobriety.
Guest 7:And he's married and has children.
Guest 7:But young people don't understand that.
Guest 7:Hey, pussy, doesn't drink.
Guest 7:They don't get it.
Marc:They will when they become adults.
Marc:10 years later when they're going, hi, my name's John.
Marc:Right.
Marc:I...
Marc:When I was younger, I really thought I had it by the... Yeah.
Guest 7:Yeah.
Marc:So... Yeah.
Marc:Can we go there?
Marc:You want to talk about it?
Marc:Well, I mean... What do you mean?
Guest 7:What part?
Guest 7:Because you came at me as if something big was going to happen.
Guest 7:You did.
Guest 7:Can we go there?
Guest 7:Then you came right in.
Guest 7:Yeah, yeah.
Guest 7:Like a very aggressive but touchy Charlie Rose.
Guest 7:Yeah.
Guest 7:And...
Guest 7:You were like Leo Biskellia and Charlie Rose combined.
Guest 7:Young people do not know who Leo Biskellia is.
Guest 7:Why would I choose a Leo Biskellia reference?
Marc:I'll tell you why.
Marc:Because you're on the same psychic wavelength as what happened in this room.
Marc:My brother.
Marc:Craig.
Marc:Craig.
Marc:The poor kid.
Marc:When he was like 12 or 13, he started reading Leo Buscaglia books.
Marc:And, yeah, it was really weird because he went through this three-year period where you could not get around him without him hugging you.
Marc:Really?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:He was like, you know, he was reading Leo Buscaglia.
Marc:He'd be like, come here.
Marc:And he'd just need to hug everything.
Marc:Love him.
Marc:Oh, God, I feel like I should call him.
Guest 7:How often do you talk to Craig?
Marc:Huh?
Guest 7:How often do you talk to this guy?
Marc:Now a lot.
Marc:I talk to him a lot, yeah.
Marc:Every day?
Marc:I've been talking to him every day.
Marc:Really?
Marc:But for a while there, I wasn't talking to him a lot because he had this other friend, Mike, who was his go-to guy.
Marc:So I had to fucking deal with, all right, well, you just let Mike be your fucking brother then.
Marc:And I don't think it's unfair to say something like that to your brother.
Marc:So he dealt with Mike for a while.
Guest 7:What happened to Mike?
Guest 7:Did they have a falling out?
Marc:I don't think so.
Marc:I just think Mike can't address what he's going through right now, so now he's got to go to his brother.
Marc:And now it's my job to go, well, why don't you go fuck yourself?
Marc:Maybe you should go talk to Mike about this.
Guest 7:I don't disagree with you.
Guest 7:I think you're in the right here.
Marc:I did not do that.
Marc:I said, what's the matter, buddy?
Marc:But what I want to talk about...
Guest 7:I don't like Mike.
Guest 7:Yeah, you know, I have my problems with Mike, too.
Guest 7:Right?
Guest 7:I mean, when push comes to shove, that's why you're mad at your brother.
Guest 7:You never cared for Mike.
Guest 7:You don't understand why they were friends.
Marc:Yeah, that's probably true, because Mike is kind of like Mr. Successful, good-looking guy.
Marc:He's got everything going on, and my brother insists he has problems, but I never saw them.
Marc:No, not Mike.
Marc:Yeah, and I really tried to turn Craig against Mike, and that didn't work.
Marc:No, he just turned against you.
Marc:Huh?
Marc:He turned against you.
Marc:That's right.
Marc:That's right.
Marc:But I guess Mike doesn't, you know, fuck Mike.
Marc:I'm back in.
Marc:That's all I know.
Marc:Mike is out.
Marc:Mark is back in.
Guest 7:It doesn't sound like Mike's as out as you think he is.
Guest 7:I think Mike still is there a little bit.
Guest 7:Really?
Guest 7:How the fuck do I know?
Guest 7:I thought that'd get a bigger laugh.
Guest 7:I'm not going to lie to you.
Marc:I thought when I said how the fuck do I know... I thought we had a good thing going because we drove it into a ditch and then he pulled it out.
Marc:And then I thought it was.
Marc:You thought it would be bigger.
Marc:And then it was kind of like, yay!
Yeah.
Marc:Go ahead.
Marc:It's raining out, and everyone's had to deal with other people who are afraid of puddles in the car for a week.
Marc:I know.
Marc:I mean, I come from the East Coast where we drive in fire.
Marc:Right?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:I love those stories.
Marc:Like, I'm from a place where the fire comes out of the sky, and we drive in it.
Marc:No, it doesn't.
Marc:So, okay, so...
Marc:What happened?
Marc:You did warm-up for Conan O'Brien.
Guest 7:I was the warm-up performer for Conan O'Brien.
Marc:What set it up, though?
Marc:You felt like you were set.
Marc:You were in.
Guest 7:I got the call back in late May.
Guest 7:Apparently, Andy Richter recommended me to do the warm-up for Conan, and they looked at some stuff on the World Wide Web, and they chose to hire me.
Guest 7:They told me they didn't look at anybody else.
Guest 7:They thought I was the guy for the job.
Guest 7:I turned it down, and then I took it.
Guest 7:And then I spent seven months praying to God I didn't get fired.
Guest 7:And then I thought I was set.
Guest 7:I thought I was in.
Guest 7:Like we all did.
Guest 7:The entire crew.
Guest 7:My friend said, hey, it's The Tonight Show.
Guest 7:You could retire with this job.
Guest 7:They're never going to fire the host of The Tonight Show.
Guest 7:I mean, what the fuck?
Guest 7:It doesn't get more what the fuck than that.
Guest 7:I mean, that's in stone.
Guest 7:I'm sure even Conan would say that.
Guest 7:I'm not a spokesman for the show, certainly, but holy shit.
Guest 7:He said a lot of things.
Marc:My question is, did he ask you, are you still going to warm up for him at home?
Marc:Oh, I stopped by, yeah.
Guest 7:Yeah, I'm all set to go.
Guest 7:I'm going to show up tomorrow at 4.20 as I do every day, and then I go on at 4.42, and I'm going to get the kids all settled and focus in today on the show.
Guest 6:You should ask him if you could do that as a bit.
Guest 7:A bit where?
Guest 7:Where would I do the bit, Mark?
Guest 7:Tonight was our last night, you asshole.
Guest 7:What do you mean?
Guest 7:Hey, I got an idea.
Guest 7:I don't have a job.
Guest 7:And by the way, all this talk of severance on the Internet has made everybody, not in my circle of friends, but on the outer circle of friends, everybody's writing me, hey, congratulations, you're going to get a pretty penny.
Guest 7:I lost my fucking job.
Guest 7:What do you mean congratulations?
Guest 7:I'm like, I'm 15th millionth guy in the totem pole.
Marc:I'm not kidding.
Marc:Like a million dollars between 200 people or something?
Guest 7:It's 12 million between 200 people.
Marc:Well, that's not so bad.
Marc:Well.
Marc:What are you fucking belly and aching about?
Marc:Belly aching.
Marc:I'm belly and aching.
Marc:I'm doing both.
Guest 7:Because I'm guessing I'm not going to get any.
Marc:I'm not going to get a, I don't know what I'm getting.
Marc:What is it, like a bankruptcy ruling?
Marc:Yeah, the people that are lowered down the totem pole, they get teared out.
Marc:I think so.
Marc:You're going to end up owing them money?
Guest 7:Jesus Christ, do you know something I don't?
Guest 7:Because I wouldn't be, you know, listen, Ronald O'Brien's the greatest boss I've ever worked for, but I will say this, I would not be surprised if NBC someone turned around, hey that warm-up guy, have him give us ten bucks.
Guest 7:We gave him a stage every goddamn day.
Guest 7:He's lucky to perform on this.
Guest 7:But you know what?
Guest 7:I was thinking about it today with my beautiful wife.
Guest 7:You know, I grew up dreaming of hosting The Tonight Show, and I was actually in a great position that I got to go on that stage for seven months.
Marc:And continue dreaming.
Guest 7:That's awesome.
Guest 7:It was a nice thing, you cocksucker.
Guest 7:You just can't let anybody enjoy themselves.
Guest 7:That's why your brother... I'm on Mike's side.
Guest 7:I'm on Mike's side.
Guest 7:And I'm on Craig's side.
Guest 7:They were right to cut you fucking loose.
Guest 7:They tried to feel good.
Guest 7:Hey, Mark.
Guest 7:Hey, I got a little something.
Guest 7:I go fuck yourself.
Guest 7:No.
Guest 7:You're a bad man.
Guest 7:You're a bad man.
Marc:I think what this does for us, though, is I think that now Conan might be more available to do our podcast.
Guest 7:Oh, he's already done mine.
Marc:Yeah, I know.
Marc:That's because he... Good luck.
Marc:Jimmy Pardo, ladies and gentlemen.
Marc:Do you want to move down here?
Sure.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:I'm just hanging out.
Marc:What?
Marc:You all right?
Marc:You got sound over there?
Marc:Yeah, I thought you said you got talent.
Marc:No.
Marc:You all right?
Guest 7:You got talent?
Marc:I'm a big fan.
Marc:I've always thought that you were doing something.
Guest 7:You were terrific.
Marc:No, you're very funny.
Marc:Jesus Christ, Jimmy.
Guest 7:What are you doing?
Marc:What are you doing now?
Guest 7:I'm tightening this because it was loose.
Guest 7:How am I the bad guy with this?
Marc:You're not.
Marc:Jeff Garwin, ladies and gentlemen.
Marc:Jeff Garwin.
Hi.
Guest 3:I have an audio book coming out.
Marc:You do?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Talk in the mic.
Marc:You know how to do this.
Guest 3:I feel like I'm talking to some communists.
Guest 3:No.
Marc:There's a few out there.
Marc:And by the way, Air America RIP closed permanently yesterday.
Marc:Don't clap.
Guest 7:No, I'm glad.
Marc:I think they're clapping because they fired me twice and they feel like there's some... Yeah, yeah.
Marc:Fuck them, right?
Marc:They meant something at the beginning, but then they just ruined it.
Marc:Anyways, hi.
Marc:How are you?
Guest 3:This is better.
Guest 3:I'm good.
Guest 3:Okay, I'm good.
Guest 3:I didn't prepare... I wanted to tell you about my audio book.
Marc:Okay.
Guest 3:Because it's unusual.
Guest 3:It is?
Guest 3:Well, I have a book coming out February 23rd called My Footprint.
Guest 3:It's about me trying to lose weight and go green while making curb your enthusiasm this past year.
Marc:You tried to cover all the bases.
Guest 3:Yes, yes.
Guest 3:I'm going to sell this fucker somehow.
Guest 3:Yes, so I did that, and then that comes out February 23rd.
Guest 3:But the audio book is as read by the author as told to Leonard Nimoy.
Guest 3:I got Leonard Nimoy to do this.
Guest 3:You did not?
Guest 3:I swear I did.
Guest 3:You mean Leonard Nimoy was sitting there with you?
Guest 3:No, I pre-recorded him, you know, with different reactions that I wanted.
Guest 3:Are you serious?
Guest 3:I'm totally serious.
Marc:I don't know if you're doing one of your Chicago games with me.
Guest 3:Dave Mandel, who's one of the producers of Curb Your Enthusiasm, he said to me, you know, if I ever wrote a book, I'd want it to be as read by the author as told to Leonard Nimoy.
Guest 3:And I thought that was hysterical.
Guest 3:And I said, can I do it?
Guest 3:And he goes, it's yours.
Guest 3:And so through a friend of mine, I was able to hook up with... Holy shit, you got Nimoy, huh?
Guest 3:Yeah.
Marc:That must have been fucking hard.
Guest 3:Well, I was scared, but it worked out.
Guest 3:What are you mocking?
Guest 3:You think that Spock is easy?
Guest 7:You know, I come from the Star Trek family, and it's pretty easy.
Guest 7:I just never know when you're... You come from the Star Trek family.
Guest 7:I never know... I married into the Star Trek family.
Guest 7:My beautiful wife's father was Chekhov on Star Trek.
Guest 3:Are you serious?
Guest 3:Are you being serious?
Guest 7:Yeah.
Guest 7:That's public knowledge.
Guest 7:Wikipedia this.
Guest 7:This is...
Guest 3:I do not believe this for a second.
Guest 3:Why do you have Pellegrino when I'm your guest?
Marc:Oh, I have other stuff.
Marc:I got swag if we get to the point where I give away some.
Guest 3:I want Pellegrino, though.
Guest 3:I like Pellegrino.
Marc:Well, drink some of that.
Guest 7:Yeah, bullshit.
Guest 7:No way.
Guest 7:That's not going to happen.
Guest 7:It's not about me.
Guest 7:It's about Jeff.
Guest 3:Well, now we've got a whole other thing.
Guest 7:Yeah, my father-in-law is Walter Candy.
Marc:I don't even like Star Trek.
Marc:I don't either.
Guest 7:I didn't even watch it, but Chekhov is like Chekhov.
Guest 7:Walter Candy, yeah.
Guest 7:It's like he's got his hands out in front of the... Yeah, yeah.
Guest 7:All right.
Guest 7:Anyway, this is by you, Jeff.
Marc:Let me... I prepared... I never knew that.
Guest 3:Yeah.
Guest 3:And I met your wife.
Guest 3:Yeah, we'll talk about it.
Guest 3:Okay.
Marc:Jeffrey.
Marc:The reason I question whether or not you're bullshitting is like one time before you became successful, you and I pitched a show together.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:And I met with you twice, and I said it was a cop show.
Marc:And I think it was like me and somebody else were going to do cops.
Marc:No, you were investigative reporters.
Marc:Investigative reporters.
Marc:And our source was somebody called Grandma.
Marc:Yes.
Marc:Who lived in a basement.
Marc:And you come up with this amazing idea.
Marc:We're going over this show, and you go, it should be your real grandma.
Marc:And somehow or another, you fucking talked me into doing that.
Guest 3:I still think it's funny, the idea that you're grandma, yeah.
Guest 3:And look where you are and look where I am.
Marc:That's right.
Marc:Maybe I should call my grandma and ask her why that didn't work out.
Marc:You should.
Marc:She's been waiting for a call from you.
Marc:The one thing I've always loved about you, and I'm not going to be a dick, because you two guys usually have to apologize to my guests for something that I did years ago, and I don't have that.
Guest 3:You have none of that with me.
Marc:I don't.
Guest 3:We have always gotten along.
Guest 3:We have.
Marc:I know, I know, famously.
Marc:And the thing that I've always envied about you is that a lot of people think that Jeff just turned up on Kirby Enthusiasm, but Jeff has been out there for like 30 years doing stand-up.
Marc:Is that about right?
Marc:27 years.
Marc:27 years.
Marc:You hear the reluctance because people are like, apparently unsuccessful.
Marc:But here's what a lot of people don't know is that Jeff has always exuded the vibe that everyone knows who he is.
Guest 3:That's so funny you say that, because the only other person who's ever said that, Bob Odenkirk said that to me.
Guest 3:He goes, when I used to go on Conan when he was on at 1230, he said, you would go on Conan and act like everyone knew who you were.
Guest 3:Because I would do bits like Steve Martin did, where like these plain things that really are only funny if you know who the person is.
Guest 3:Like I did a... Never mind.
Guest 3:But the point being is that... Yeah, you have that.
Marc:That's so nice that Bob talks to you like that, because you know how Bob Odenkirk talks to me?
Marc:Like a worried parent.
Marc:He cares.
Marc:It's just the way he always is like, what's going on with you?
Marc:Are things okay with you?
Marc:Are you doing something?
Marc:He married a Jewish girl.
Marc:That's what happened.
Marc:All right, so now I'm supposed to feel sorry for him?
Guest 3:No.
Guest 3:Don't hate her.
Marc:I don't.
Marc:No, no, no.
Marc:I like her.
Marc:That was a bit.
Marc:Well, let's go over this because I'm talking to you.
Guest 3:I love your note for Jimmy Pardo is never not funny.
Guest 3:Well, look what my note for you is.
Guest 3:How did you get so successful?
Guest 3:Yeah, because I'm never not funny.
Guest 3:That would be true of me, too, but you are never not funny.
Marc:No, but what a lot of people don't know about you, Jeff, is that you had a part in probably, what, five or six HBO specials that people don't know that you did.
Marc:What you did for a lot of people, and I don't know if it's the way it worked at the beginning of Curve, is you used to help people put their shows together.
Guest 3:I used to, yes.
Guest 3:Well, actually, I did two.
Guest 3:I did Lock and Load with Dennis Leary.
Guest 3:Right.
Guest 3:And Unleavened with Jon Stewart.
Marc:So you did two of those.
Guest 3:Yes.
Marc:And you put them together.
Guest 3:Yes.
Marc:Jon and Dennis came to you and said, look at this mess, make it work.
Guest 3:Yes.
Guest 3:That wasn't actually a mess, but yes, that's what it was.
Guest 3:And we went on the road together, and I would help develop their act.
Guest 3:You were a dramaturge.
Guest 3:Yeah.
Guest 3:Isn't that the right usage of that?
Guest 3:Is it?
I wasn't.
Guest 3:Who the fuck knows?
Guest 3:I mean, really?
Guest 3:What are you, Dennis Miller?
Guest 3:What's going on?
Guest 3:Because that's a good reference.
Guest 1:I'm going to use it now.
Guest 3:I'm a dramaturge.
Guest 3:It sounds like I made a duty in theater class.
Marc:I'm sorry.
Marc:That's okay.
Marc:Just because none of these people knew.
Marc:There'll be people listening to the podcast going, Mark was right.
Guest 3:By the way, can I tell you something?
Guest 3:What?
Guest 3:Anyone who digs what you do is smart.
Guest 3:I don't know anyone who's retarded and digs you.
Guest 3:That's why you're not brilliant.
Guest 3:Yeah.
Guest 3:No, do you understand that?
Guest 3:I'm not sure.
Guest 3:It kind of hurt for a second.
Guest 3:No, no, no, no, no.
Guest 3:Whatever you just said.
Guest 3:From your enthusiasm, not brilliant either.
Guest 3:Because smart people dig it.
Guest 3:Right.
Guest 3:Brilliant is like a Pixar movie where smart people dig it and stupid fuckers.
Guest 3:Oh.
Guest 3:The Sopranos.
Guest 3:Smart people, stupid fuckers.
Guest 3:Everyone gets something out of it.
Guest 3:That is true brilliance.
Guest 3:That's what the movie studios and the TV networks want.
Guest 3:It happens every blue moon.
Marc:They want everything to appeal to everyone.
Marc:It's horrendous.
Marc:Like Avatar, which I'm not going to talk about.
Marc:I've talked about it too much.
Guest 3:What I'm saying is that true brilliance is something that really is that brilliant that no one's turned away.
Guest 3:Absolutely.
Marc:Okay, so you're saying that in order to really jettison my career, I have to become a cartoon character that kills people.
Guest 3:I guess if you were to star in the Sopranos cartoon, that could be helpful.
Guest 3:Do you want to pitch that with me?
Guest 3:Maybe my grandma could be part of it.
Guest 3:I'm a little busy right now, but I swear to God, at some point in the future, if you want, I would do that for you.
Guest 3:I like you.
Guest 3:I root for you.
Guest 3:I know.
Guest 3:That's why I'm here.
Guest 3:I got a family.
Guest 3:I'm rich.
Guest 3:What the fuck?
Guest 3:I only found out recently that I'm rich.
Guest 3:Whitney Cummings told me I was rich.
Guest 3:I didn't know I was rich.
Marc:You really didn't know you were rich?
Marc:I had no idea.
Marc:How much did you make on that movie with Eddie Murphy?
Guest 3:I'm not saying anything about that.
Guest 3:But the point being is that I always thought I made a really great living, but apparently I am rich.
Guest 3:I'm on the low end of rich, but I'm rich.
Guest 3:So I don't need to be here.
Guest 3:What the fuck does this do for me?
Guest 3:I'm here because maybe my star power helps this podcast go to number one on the pod chart.
Marc:That's that thing I was talking about.
Marc:Like, you really still believe that everyone knows who you are.
Guest 3:And you know I told him that that was bullshit, but I don't think that anyone knows who I am.
Guest 3:Even when people come up to me on the street and go, Jeff, I'm always thinking, do I know you?
Guest 3:Yeah, sure.
Guest 3:You know, it's not like, you know, oh, yes, curb your enthusiasm.
Oh.
Guest 3:Wally, you bet.
Marc:That's the weird thing about hosting radio or a podcast is that when people come up to you and they go, Mark, they really do fucking know me because I talk about myself constantly.
Marc:I think if you did this, people, not only would they know you, but you'd irritate them.
Guest 3:You just lost the crowd on that one.
Guest 3:I could feel it in the room.
Guest 3:Why are you being mean to Jeff?
Jeff.
Guest 3:He's here for you.
Guest 3:It's clear Jeff adores you.
Guest 3:It's clear Jeff respects you.
Guest 3:Why say that I would be annoying if I had a podcast?
Guest 3:You know why I don't have a podcast?
Guest 3:Because I'm too busy with my career.
Guest 3:You know why else I don't?
Guest 3:You know why else I don't?
Guest 3:I have a family, a family and a career, and I'm rich.
Guest 3:I ain't got no time for no cocksucking podcast.
Guest 3:By the way, can I just say something to you also?
Guest 3:Can I ask you a question?
Guest 3:When someone sits down next to you and they're your guest, don't say I didn't prepare.
Guest 3:I didn't say that.
Guest 3:You said I'm not prepared.
Guest 3:I did not say that.
Guest 3:Did I say I didn't prepare ever?
Guest 3:You said something like that.
Guest 3:I did?
Guest 3:Yeah.
Guest 3:Did anyone hear that?
Yeah.
Guest 3:Thank you very much!
Guest 3:You're supposed to support the host!
Guest 3:No, no, no.
Marc:Clearly something has happened.
Marc:This is what Jeff does.
Marc:You see, it's this magnanimous all-me bullshit.
Marc:And he sucks people in.
Marc:He doesn't have a fucking joke to speak of.
Marc:And what happens is, this guy... How about you every time before you go on stage?
Marc:I got nothing.
Marc:I'm going up with a banana.
Marc:The last time I saw you, you were so excited that you took a banana on stage and used it as a phone for 20 fucking minutes.
Marc:And then you get off stage, you go, can you believe that?
Marc:I didn't think I could bring a banana on and just have it and not explain it and put it on my head and people would laugh.
Marc:You're a fucking clown, Garland.
Marc:I'm sorry.
Guest 3:That didn't come from a healthy place.
Guest 3:No, it came from a funny place.
Guest 3:I love that.
Guest 3:But that is so fucking true.
Guest 3:The last time I saw you, I had a banana.
Guest 3:I know.
Guest 3:I'm excited.
Guest 3:That's completely true.
Guest 3:You have to understand something.
Guest 3:I would be a lot more successful as a comedian after 27 years if I had an act.
Guest 3:All right, so I didn't prepare.
Guest 3:I'm an asshole.
Guest 3:No, I just know.
Guest 3:Hold on.
Guest 3:I go up.
Guest 3:I just go with it.
Guest 3:I bring a banana, whatever may happen.
Guest 3:But if I was hosting a show, I would prepare a little.
Marc:Has this gone well?
Marc:I think it's gone incredibly well.
Guest 3:Fantastic.
Guest 3:That's all based on my skill.
Okay.
Marc:I'm just going to let him have that.
Marc:Yes, it was, Jeff.
Marc:I know.
Marc:So go ahead.
Marc:Ask me any questions.
Marc:Jeff Garland, ladies and gentlemen.
Marc:Thank you.
Marc:All right.
Marc:Now, what is this?
Marc:I don't blame him.
Marc:Oh, okay.
Marc:He's going to the bathroom.
Marc:No hacky.
Marc:What's your hack line for a guy going to the bathroom?
Guest 5:Don't have one.
Marc:You're both liars.
Marc:Let's bring Kate.
Marc:You know what?
Marc:First, let's give away some swag.
Marc:Oh, guess what, you guys?
Marc:Now these, I've got nerd cock shirts fresh off the press.
Marc:Nerd cock.
Marc:Who needs one?
Marc:Oh, my God.
Marc:What size are you?
Guest 3:Yeah.
Guest 3:If someone wants a shirt that says nerd cock, you just give it to them.
Guest 3:They can pretty much see.
Guest 3:I brought you one, Jeff.
Guest 3:I won't wear it.
Guest 3:Why not?
Guest 3:I thought you would love that shirt.
Guest 3:No, I won't wear it.
Guest 3:Do you understand the idea of nerd cock?
Guest 3:Do you understand the nerd cock idea?
Guest 3:What if I told you I love the word cock?
Guest 3:It's one of the funniest, greatest words ever.
Guest 3:It'll never stop being funny.
Guest 3:Yeah.
Guest 3:Mark my grandma.
Guest 3:But nerd cock orange, not going to happen.
Marc:That's because you are not a nerd cock.
Guest 3:But I have a shirt with Johnny Cash giving a bird, you know?
Guest 3:But that's about it for me.
Marc:No, the nerd cock idea is that I think we've exited the era of frat cock and rock cock, and now we are in the paradigm of nerd cock.
Marc:You must heed the nerd cock.
Marc:That is what this shirt is about.
Marc:Proud nerd in the back.
Marc:Proud nerd in the back.
Marc:I'll give you one.
Guest 3:By the way, I will give it to you that you don't often hear the word nerd and cock together.
Marc:Well, let's bring out our lovely guest.
Marc:We have a medium.
Marc:We have a lovely guest coming out right now.
Marc:Can we be respectful?
Marc:Because I'm very excited.
Guest 3:I love her, so I'm with you.
Marc:What's her website?
Marc:Her website is katemaccucci.com.
Marc:My website is wtfpod.com.
Marc:But if you love Kate McCucci, which you will, she's an actress, but primarily she's this angelic, talented person who's going to come out and sing a song for us and talk.
Marc:Kate McCucci, ladies and gentlemen.
Marc:Kate McCucci.
Marc:Hi Kate.
Guest 2:Hi everybody.
Guest 2:How's it going?
Marc:This is Kate.
Marc:Isn't she spectacular?
Marc:I worked with you for the first time in Montreal, and you're one of those people that just has a talent.
Marc:Maria Bamford does the same thing to me, where I feel vulnerable, disarmed, and fucking retarded around you.
Guest 2:No.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Is that a weird way to open an interview?
Guest 2:No.
Guest 2:Maybe, but thank you.
Marc:So what do you got going?
Marc:What song are you going to play?
Guest 2:I was going to sing a song about a nun.
Marc:Do you have nuns in your family?
No.
Guest 2:No, but I thought for a while there was a little bit of time I thought I might be one someday.
Guest 2:Seriously?
Guest 2:Yeah, but I was a very, very shy kid and a very late bloomer, and everyone just called me Sister Kate all the time because that's, you know, I was just too shy, I guess.
Guest 2:And I thought, well, that kind of has a nice ring to it, and it sort of seems like they have a cool thing going on, you know?
Guest 2:They all live in a house and, like, knit and stuff, you know?
Guest 2:But the odd thing about it is I'm not a very religious person.
Guest 2:So I don't know why I would jump to the conclusion that I might be a nun when I don't really go to church.
Guest 4:Did you like the outfit?
Guest 2:Yeah, I have one.
Guest 2:But it was a Halloween costume.
Guest 2:I needed to get a rosary for the costume, and I went to the St.
Guest 2:Monica's church, and I went to the gift shop, and this really nice nun was helping me pick out the proper rosary, and I bought one for like 50 cents.
Guest 2:It was like a cheap one.
Guest 2:And as I was leaving, I was like, thank you so much for your help.
Guest 2:It's for my Halloween costume.
Guest 2:And then I felt really bad.
Guest 2:I shouldn't have said that.
Guest 2:But oh well.
Marc:It's better than saying, it's for my Satan worship.
Guest 2:Yeah, that's true.
Marc:OK, so you're going to sing a song about being a nun.
Guest 2:Yeah, about being a nun.
Marc:Kate McCoochie.
Guest 2:It's called The Nun Song.
Guest 2:OK.
Guest 2:I want to be a nun.
Guest 2:So I can marry a priest and we'll have a baby.
Guest 2:And name him Jesus.
Guest 2:house would have a swimming pool for little baby jesus to walk on we'd send him to sunday school to sing songs about himself oh mom and dad i want to be a nun wouldn't it be fun to go to rockefeller center and go ice skating a cliche i know but it's okay to be
Guest 2:singing songs about the nunnery where they sent Ophelia but that was Shakespeare and this is God one and the same says my English teacher I wanna be a nun so I can drink wine on Sundays and beer on St.
Guest 2:Patrick's Day with Sister Mary Margaret O'Brien and the father and the son we'd all go for a drive
Guest 2:With a little puppy dog named Moses, and he'd part the traffic as we sit on the 405.
Guest 2:Because nuns are neat and nuns are cool, I met a lot of nuns in Catholic school.
Guest 2:Consensus says nuns like to sing, but I once met a nun in a boxing ring, just like the doll.
Guest 2:Whoa, I want to be a nun.
Guest 2:So I can meet Whoopi Goldberg and hide it in casinos to save the world from crooks and pray for starving kids.
Guest 2:Then we'd hang with Donald Trump, sporting our old big habits, and then we'd go flying with the mom from Forrest Gump.
Guest 2:Whoa, mom and dad, I wanna be a nun.
Guest 2:Wouldn't it be fun to go to Rockefeller Center and go ice skating?
Guest 2:A cliche, I know, but it's okay to be singing songs about the nunnery.
Guest 2:Where they sent Ophelia, but that was Shakespeare.
Guest 2:And this is God, God.
Guest 8:Awesome.
Guest 3:Thanks, everybody.
Guest 3:That was nice.
Guest 3:I very much enjoyed that.
Guest 2:Thank you, Jeff.
Guest 2:I appreciate that.
Marc:My pleasure.
Marc:You grew up around music, though.
Marc:I remember you were talking about that one.
Guest 2:Yeah, I grew up playing piano since I was like four years old.
Marc:Was your mom like a music teacher?
Guest 2:Yeah, my mom taught piano, but she didn't teach me because I think I probably would have injured her so
Guest 2:I don't know.
Guest 2:I had a real Italian temper when I was a kid.
Guest 2:I don't know where it went.
Guest 6:So you told your mom you can't give me piano lessons?
Guest 2:Yeah, but then she threatened that if I ever stopped playing the piano, she would kick me out of the house.
Guest 2:And it's funny coming from my mom because she's a very sweet lady.
Guest 2:But yeah, so I would compete and it was very serious.
Guest 2:By the time I graduated high school, I was probably practicing three or four hours a day.
Marc:Holy shit.
Marc:Do you ever have that kind of discipline with anything?
Guest 2:No.
Marc:What's our next song?
Guest 2:Oh, okay.
Guest 2:Well, I had one more.
Guest 2:It's called The Nap Song.
Guest 2:And it's about how nice it is to take a nap with somebody.
Guest 8:Okay.
Guest 2:All right.
Guest 3:I did some physical comedy for those of you listening.
Guest 3:It was very slight.
Marc:I'll explain to the podcast audience.
Marc:Jeff raised his hand like, I can understand that.
Guest 3:And I pointed at Kate.
Guest 3:You know, sorry to interrupt for a second.
Guest 3:No, you're not.
Guest 3:You know, I'm married and everything, but I would love to take a nap with you.
Guest 8:Aw.
Guest 3:Thanks, Jeff.
Guest 3:I think that's my new thing now.
Guest 3:I'm going to try and do that.
Guest 3:I'm going on a big tour, and I'm going to try and find lots of pretty girls to take naps with me and not touch any of them.
Marc:You're going to try to do that?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Good luck with that.
Marc:Thank you.
Marc:And be sure you tell your wife about your new big plan.
Guest 2:There are those things called cuddle parties or something.
Guest 3:I don't want to go to a cuddle party.
Guest 3:I don't want other people involved.
Guest 3:I didn't even say cuddle.
Guest 3:I just said nap.
Guest 3:I can barely do that at my house with somebody.
Guest 3:I'm going to go to a party for that?
Guest 3:There's a couch.
Guest 3:One can be on the couch.
Guest 3:One can be on the bed.
Guest 3:I don't need to be touching or cuddling.
Guest 3:Just a nice nap.
Guest 3:The point is that we're going to be sleeping.
Guest 2:Yeah.
Guest 3:That's what I'm looking forward to.
Guest 3:And I'd like to sleep with you, Kate.
Guest 3:I would.
Guest 3:I can just say that proudly.
Guest 3:I really would.
Guest 3:I'm having a hard time picturing it.
Guest 3:Funny thing is I'm not.
Guest 3:All right, Jimmy.
Guest 3:Do you feel abused?
Guest 2:No, no.
Guest 2:I think it's sweet, I think.
Guest 2:It is.
Guest 3:It's very sweet.
Guest 3:I'm not creepy.
Guest 7:I think it's a little creepy.
Guest 7:I think it's creepy.
Guest 7:What manual?
Guest 3:You know what's really funny is that guys would find that creepy.
Guest 3:She's a tiny little gal.
Guest 3:I'm not touching her!
Guest 3:It's still creepy!
Guest 3:I'm sleeping in the... Maybe not even in the same bed.
Guest 3:There might be a hammock.
Guest 3:She'll be on the hammock because I have trouble getting up from hammocks.
Guest 3:And I'll be on the couch.
Guest 3:You paint such a beautiful picture.
Guest 3:I would not take a nap with you in a twin bed.
Guest 3:That would be wildly inappropriate.
Marc:I do have to tell you this.
Marc:After a certain age, Jeff, and when men of a certain age speak a certain way about certain things, it's always fucking creepy.
Guest 3:To you, not to me.
Marc:I know.
Marc:How can you trust your perception?
Guest 3:You think everything's about you.
Guest 3:Let me tell you something.
Guest 3:Every show I do on this tour, I'm going to offer up a nap.
Guest 3:And I guarantee after shows, they'll be lining up.
Marc:Especially if you bring the fucking banana on stage.
Guest 3:Can I tell you something?
Marc:Just let me have it.
Guest 3:Can you just let me have it?
Guest 3:Did not work after the first night.
Guest 3:I told you it wouldn't.
Guest 3:I know.
Guest 3:It's weird.
Guest 3:I'm sorry.
Guest 3:The first night, it worked like crazy.
Marc:Because you were so excited that you were jerking around this audience with a fucking banana.
Marc:And I said, that's going to burn away.
Marc:You're not going to be able to pull that choice.
Guest 3:I know.
Guest 3:It's true.
Guest 3:Because you overthought it.
Guest 3:You were like... Well, look, it was so simple.
Guest 3:What I would do is during my show, every once in a while, I'd pull a banana up off the stool and go, hello?
Guest 3:Hello?
Guest 3:Hello?
Guest 3:And I put it down, and I never referenced it.
Guest 3:No, it is funny.
Guest 3:It's funny.
Guest 3:And by like the eighth time I did it, they would get big laughs.
Marc:In that one night.
Guest 3:Yeah.
Marc:Let's qualify it.
Marc:You know what the great thing about that story is?
Guest 3:What's that?
Guest 3:You did it again.
Guest 3:Did it again?
Guest 3:I did it in front of like 4,000 people in Seattle.
Guest 3:and then fucking sat there.
Guest 3:I was so committed to it.
Guest 3:I was such a douche.
Marc:And you got to wait for a laugh from 4,000 people.
Marc:So you had, knowing you and your timing and how professional you are, you picked that banana up and went, hello,
Marc:and waited for the wave to come, and it was just you holding your fucking banana.
Guest 3:You know what I did right after that show?
Guest 3:I ate that banana, my friend.
Guest 3:As a reward?
Guest 3:No, as a goodbye gesture to the banana bit.
Guest 3:All right, Kate, I'm so sorry.
Guest 3:Kate Ricucci and the nap song.
Guest 3:No, I love it.
Guest 3:I just love the idea of the nap song.
Guest 8:Thank you, Jimmy.
Thank you.
Guest 2:Well, maybe I'll preface this by saying I wrote this after taking a nap with somebody I didn't know.
Guest 2:It does happen.
Guest 1:See?
Guest 2:Okay.
Guest 1:I want to fall asleep with you.
Guest 1:Would you fall asleep with me?
Guest 1:We could take a nap together at a quarter to three in the afternoon.
Guest 1:And then we would hit the town, grab a bite, then drive around till the morning, till the morning comes again.
Guest 1:I want to sleep with you.
Guest 1:But I don't mean sleep with you.
Guest 1:But you know what I mean?
Guest 1:We could take a nap together.
Guest 1:And if you're lucky, the rest comes later.
Guest 1:I want to fall asleep with you.
Guest 1:Would you fall asleep with me?
Guest 1:Till the morning, till the morning comes again.
Guest 6:Kate McCrucci, ladies and gentlemen.
Guest 1:Thanks, everybody.
Guest 3:Jeff Garland, Jimmy Pardo.
Guest 3:Is that not a fucking masterpiece?
Guest 3:It's awesome.
Guest 3:That was awesome.
Guest 3:Spectacular.
Guest 3:I love it.
Marc:Thank you.
Marc:Wow.
Marc:That was awesome.
Marc:I think you can sit down.
Marc:I was going to let everybody... Don't you get down my seat.
Marc:Well, the plan was to...
Guest 3:I know, but mine's really warmer.
Marc:No, I want you to sit.
Marc:Three men trying to get a woman to sit in the chair that they've given up.
Guest 3:You sit in the chair of who you want to take a nap with.
Guest 3:Who is it you want to take a nap with?
Guest 3:No, no.
Guest 5:Jimmy won that.
Guest 5:Let me give a play-by-play for the people who are listening in their car.
Marc:I knocked Jeff's chair down, then Jimmy knocked my chair down, and the only chair left was Jimmy's.
Guest 3:Apparently, some people are desperate to take naps.
Guest 3:To others, it just comes natural and happens.
Marc:tour that's right a nap tour well here's what I'd like to do now because we're running out of time I'd like you to sit down since we're all still out here okay and Jeff you sit down too and we have the way we punctuate all of these live what the fucks is of course with the last word that belongs to Eddie Pepitone Eddie Pepitone ladies and gentlemen
Marc:Hi, everybody.
Marc:Hi, Eddie.
Guest 4:Look, look.
Marc:Connect with me for a minute, please.
Marc:Connect with me.
Guest 4:Connect with you.
Guest 4:Hi.
Guest 4:Hi.
Guest 4:How are you feeling?
Guest 4:How are you, Mike?
Guest 4:I'm not feeling too good.
Guest 4:Okay, go.
Guest 4:I'm back.
Guest 4:Okay.
Guest 4:No, I just want to say, look at me, America.
Guest 4:I am one of your children.
Guest 4:Okay.
Guest 4:I am one of your children.
Guest 4:I sit.
Guest 4:I sit in front of my computer screen.
Guest 4:I kid you not today.
Guest 4:I got so excited.
Guest 4:I've recently gotten on Twitter.
Guest 4:Okay?
Guest 4:I've recently gotten on Twitter and my followers started to go up.
Guest 4:And my followers started to go up.
Guest 4:And I realize now that I have fallen.
Guest 4:I have fallen hard for this Facebook, Twitter world.
Guest 4:It's an instant fucking gratification thing that is taking control of my life.
Guest 4:Now, I'm not going to lie to you.
Guest 4:I have a great life.
Guest 4:I have five cats.
Guest 4:Those of you who know me know that it's a full, full life.
Guest 4:I have Criswell.
Guest 4:I have Hoju.
Guest 4:I have Louie.
Guest 4:I have Katie and I have Sherman.
Guest 4:And Sherman is a kitten.
Guest 4:And I have my beautiful girlfriend Karen and we are in North Hollywood.
Guest 4:I'm not going to tell you where in North Hollywood because there's a lot of people who would try to kill me because you don't have this kind of minor celebrity that I have.
Guest 4:Okay?
Guest 4:And I just want to talk about this phenomenon, this Twitter, Facebook shit that devours a guy like me because I sit there and my quest for validation, first I get the cats to come to me.
Guest 4:And they come to me and they love me and that's why I have cats because I am their god.
Guest 4:I stand around them and they look up at me.
Guest 4:The cats look up at me and they're like, we don't care.
Guest 4:That you are from the working class in Staten Island where you have so many emotional injuries.
Guest 4:Alright?
Guest 4:There was a point in my life where I got advice from a Ouija board.
Guest 4:That's right.
Guest 4:I would consult.
Guest 4:And I'm a bit of a Russian Jew, a bit of a mystic.
Guest 4:I'm not going to lie to you.
Guest 4:And I don't care if this doesn't make any fucking sense to you.
Guest 4:I don't care.
Guest 4:I have five cats around me.
Guest 4:I have Twitter.
Guest 4:Oh, my followers are going up.
Guest 4:Oh, and then there's a very popular guy on Twitter.
Guest 4:Please follow Eddie Pepitone.
Guest 4:And I start to fucking sink my teeth.
Guest 4:into the day.
Guest 4:I'm like, I don't care if it's raining.
Guest 4:I don't care if God is shedding his fucking tears on North Hollywood.
Guest 4:Again, I'm not going to tell you exactly where it is because I fear for my life from you people, the faceless goddamn masses, even though you're a great crowd.
Guest 4:No!
Guest 4:No, you're the faceless goddamn masses, but you're a great crowd.
Guest 4:When you're collectively together, you are fine.
Guest 4:But individually, I feel like you would kill me if you got the fucking chance.
Guest 4:I really feel that way.
Guest 4:And, you know, I sit there, I watch the stuff on Haiti, I watch all the celebrities talking about, oh, please text money to Haiti.
Guest 4:I don't have money to text.
Guest 4:I am under my own rubble.
Guest 4:What rubble?
Guest 4:No, what fucking rent?
Guest 4:I know that's not cool to say.
Guest 4:Oh, Eddie, don't say that.
Guest 4:Ben Still is really for the Haitians.
Guest 4:Look, I'm a fan of dodgeball.
Guest 4:Who doesn't like a movie?
Guest 4:Who doesn't like a movie where a ball, a vulcanized rubber ball, is thrown very hard at another guy and you're doing over-the-top characters?
Guest 4:You don't think that movie sells where I'm from?
Guest 4:That's all they watch in Staten Island.
Guest 4:No, in Staten Island, they just wax cars.
Guest 4:They hit each other with baseball bats.
Guest 4:And then they go to church.
Guest 4:Then they go to church and they're like, ah, you know, the dark side got a hold of me.
Guest 4:Basically what I'm saying is where I'm from.
Guest 4:It is very, very hard not to get sucked in to Twitter and the beautiful love of cats.
Guest 4:I just, I like, yes, I like to be the voice of you people.
Guest 4:You people, you voiceless, voiceless people.
Marc:Good?
Guest 4:Yeah, I'm good.
Marc:Okay.
Marc:Eddie Pepitone, ladies and gentlemen.
Marc:Jeff Garland, Jimmy Pardo, Kate Micucci.
Marc:Go to punchlinemagazine.com for all your comedy needs.
Marc:Go to wtfpod.com for everything else.
Marc:God, I love you, Jeff.
Guest 5:Did you have fun?
Guest 5:You can bring the music up.
Guest 5:We are done, and you were great.
Guest 5:Keep it going for Brendan McDonald on the board at the computer.
Guest 5:Have a good night.
you