Episode 407 - Live from Boston

Episode 407 • Released July 17, 2013 • Speakers detected

00:00:00Guest:Are we doing this?

00:00:08Guest:Really?

00:00:08Guest:Wait for it.

00:00:09Guest:Are we doing this?

00:00:10Guest:Wait for it.

00:00:12Guest:Pow!

00:00:12Guest:What the fuck?

00:00:14Marc:And it's also, eh, what the fuck?

00:00:16Marc:What's wrong with me?

00:00:17Marc:It's time for WTF!

00:00:19Marc:What the fuck?

00:00:20Guest:With Mark Maron.

00:00:22Marc:Alright, let's do this.

00:00:23Marc:How are you?

00:00:25Marc:What the fuckers?

00:00:26Marc:What the fuck buddies?

00:00:27Marc:What the fucking ears?

00:00:29Marc:What the fuck Bostonians?

00:00:32Marc:I don't know.

00:00:34Marc:I am Marc Maron.

00:00:35Marc:This is live WTF at the Wilbur Theatre.

00:00:38Guest:Boston, Massachusetts!

00:00:42Guest:Boston!

00:00:45Guest:Alright.

00:00:47Guest:The Wang Center!

00:00:49Guest:The Wang Center!

00:00:51Guest:I don't know, how many people were here the last show?

00:00:54Marc:Oh, my God.

00:00:56Marc:I can't tell any of the same shit.

00:00:58Marc:How many people weren't here?

00:01:01Marc:All right, well, this guy... I gotta do it.

00:01:08Marc:How can you not do it?

00:01:09Marc:It was like the moment I knew I was in Boston.

00:01:12Marc:I didn't know I was in Boston for about a day because I'm staying at the W. What the fuck is that place?

00:01:19Marc:It's very nice, but it doesn't fit in.

00:01:21Marc:This is not the Boston I remember.

00:01:23Marc:It was filthy here.

00:01:24Marc:It was filthy.

00:01:27Marc:But it still is filthy.

00:01:28Marc:I saw, I don't know, I think I saw 12-year-olds in stiletto heels last night outside of those clubs.

00:01:33Marc:Fucking 12-year-olds.

00:01:34Marc:I felt wrong looking at them.

00:01:36Marc:Did not stop me, but I felt wrong.

00:01:39Marc:What is going on over there?

00:01:40Marc:Didn't all that shit used to be on Lansdowne Street or am I not remembering it properly?

00:01:44Marc:It wasn't always right there, was it?

00:01:46Marc:It was just a parade of fucking date rape.

00:01:48Marc:That was all that was going on there.

00:01:51Marc:It was ridiculous.

00:01:52Marc:A bunch of crying stories at the end of whatever happens there.

00:01:58Marc:Do you know what I mean?

00:01:59Marc:You just see these girls.

00:02:00Marc:I don't know where they drive in from.

00:02:01Marc:Someplace where they're sneaking out.

00:02:04Marc:Um...

00:02:07Marc:Just dolled up, just looking for, I don't know, children.

00:02:10Marc:I don't know.

00:02:12Marc:But I didn't really know I was in Boston until I was standing at that corner crossing the street for the last show, and there was just some old dude.

00:02:17Marc:He must have been a middle-aged dude.

00:02:18Marc:He must have been with other people.

00:02:19Marc:Right behind me, I just heard him go, ah, Wang, Santa.

00:02:24Guest:Wang, it says Wang right there.

00:02:28Guest:That's fucking hilarious.

00:02:32Guest:Fucking Wang.

00:02:33Marc:This is a middle-aged man.

00:02:36Marc:So what have I been doing?

00:02:37Marc:I don't know.

00:02:37Marc:I was writing down sort of stories because when I do these shows, there are guys on this show tonight that I used to not only open for, but I mean some of the, like DJ Hazard's here.

00:02:49Marc:DJ Hazard is one of the first people.

00:02:53Marc:I ever saw doing live stand-up comedy outside of seeing George Carlin when I was a kid.

00:02:58Marc:When I was in college and I'd just gotten here, I went to Play It Against Sam's in Austin, and I went to that basement, and that giant, DJ Hazard, was on stage doing jokes, and I'm like, holy fuck, I've never heard of this guy, and he's great.

00:03:11Marc:You mean people just do this for a job?

00:03:14Marc:And that's what inspired me.

00:03:16Marc:George McDonald is here.

00:03:17Marc:He was hosting Comedy Hell on Stitches.

00:03:19Marc:It was one of the first open mics I ever did.

00:03:21Marc:Teddy Bergeron is here.

00:03:23Marc:Teddy Bergeron is like one of the funniest fucking people in the world.

00:03:27Marc:So let's see what happens.

00:03:30Marc:Who else is here?

00:03:31Marc:Rick Jenkins is here from the comedy studio.

00:03:36Marc:Sue Costello is here.

00:03:38Marc:Dan Crone is here.

00:03:39Marc:But I kept trying to think...

00:03:41Marc:Like, why the fuck?

00:03:42Marc:Like, when I come back to Boston, like, there's so many memories to the point where I had to drive to a Chinese restaurant in Chicopee last night, and I was sure... It was funny, but they already heard it.

00:03:50Marc:The Wookiee Lao...

00:03:54Marc:I'm going to take that as acknowledgement, not support.

00:03:57Marc:I think it's a great place, but it seems like a place where it's like, well, where do you want to go?

00:04:01Marc:I don't know.

00:04:02Marc:Okay, we'll go there.

00:04:06Marc:Where else are you going to go?

00:04:07Marc:But I did gigs like that all over the fucking place.

00:04:09Marc:So I was writing down these things that happened to me in the Boston countryside, the New England countryside, driving to fucking one-nighters.

00:04:19Marc:To do shows at bowling alleys, Mexican restaurants in Franklin, Massachusetts.

00:04:27Marc:Banditos in Fall River.

00:04:32Marc:I used to, Frank's in Franklin, you'd go do the gig and then you'd have to babysit Frank because he was too drunk to fucking deal with anything.

00:04:39Marc:You'd do the show and the owner would just sit there and be going, my fucking life's not working out.

00:04:46Marc:And you were trying to get paid.

00:04:47Marc:He's like, oh, what the fuck I'm going to do with this place?

00:04:49Marc:I can't.

00:04:51Marc:And that was part of your job, was to sit there and deal with drunk Frank.

00:04:58Marc:I remember at Cranston, Rhode Island, there was a bowling alley gig at the Cranston Bowl where you'd go and you'd actually walk in during bowling with the oldies.

00:05:05Marc:You'd see all the lanes were darkened and Wooly Bully was playing and people were just like...

00:05:09Marc:And then you'd go into this lounge where they'd have the comedy.

00:05:14Marc:Do you know what I'm talking about?

00:05:16Marc:I just remember one thing.

00:05:17Marc:There was a thing that happened to me there that I would never fucking forget.

00:05:19Marc:It was the first night of comedy at Cranston Ball, and it was packed.

00:05:26Marc:Like 400 people in the room.

00:05:27Marc:At that time, I was doing this horrendously wrong-minded joke about plane crashes.

00:05:34Marc:I mean, it wasn't horrible.

00:05:35Marc:It was a joke about plane crashes.

00:05:36Marc:But, you know, the punchline had to do it.

00:05:38Marc:The joke was something about there was a plane crash, people survived, and many of them went on to catch connecting flights.

00:05:44Marc:And, like, the tag, you know, for those of you who are, the tag was, for those of you who are connecting, go to whatever, counter six for the information.

00:05:54Marc:And for those of you who lost loved ones or traveling companions, they're on carousel six in the baggage claim.

00:05:59Marc:It was like that fucking fucked up.

00:06:04Marc:That's who I was then, right?

00:06:06Marc:So I'm in the middle of this fucking horrible joke that's going well, because it's funny, in a packed bowling alley lounge, and it's going well, and then in the middle of this joke, I just hear this woman go, stop talking about plane crashes!

00:06:24Guest:And I knew right away that I just hit the anti-lottery.

00:06:29Marc:There was a woman who had lost somebody on a plane crash.

00:06:31Marc:My fucking luck.

00:06:34Marc:I didn't say that.

00:06:39Marc:But I knew in my mind that's what I was dealing with.

00:06:41Marc:She couldn't control the emotion.

00:06:43Marc:So I said, of course, that stopped the fucking show.

00:06:48Marc:And I just said, I'm sorry, did you lose someone in a plane crash?

00:06:51Marc:She goes, yes!

00:06:53Marc:And I go, look, I'll just do my cancer shit.

00:06:56Marc:You know, I got... And that is the moment.

00:07:05Marc:Sorry.

00:07:08Marc:Let me read a few emails and we'll start.

00:07:12Marc:All right, here we go.

00:07:13Marc:Subject line, fuck the game.

00:07:18Marc:In the time I've been listening, I've composed many emails to you in my head but never actually wrote them down.

00:07:23Marc:But here is my opportunity.

00:07:25Marc:Not only will I be seeing you in Seattle, but also I had an epiphany about your show that you might find amusing.

00:07:31Marc:Here it is.

00:07:32Marc:The other day, Almost Famous was on TV.

00:07:35Marc:So my husband and I started watching.

00:07:36Marc:I hadn't seen it since becoming a Marin fan and was looking forward to your part.

00:07:40Marc:So there you were yelling, lock the gates.

00:07:43Marc:And my husband, who has listened to about two dozen podcasts to my 200, says, yeah, that's what he says at the beginning of the podcast.

00:07:51Marc:Me, colon, no he doesn't.

00:07:54Marc:He says, fuck the game.

00:07:55Marc:Husband, colon, gives me crazy look.

00:08:07Marc:I pull out my laptop and take a listen.

00:08:09Marc:Lo and behold, you are saying, lock the gates.

00:08:12Okay.

00:08:13Marc:And I am an idiot.

00:08:16Marc:For about two years now I thought you were saying fuck the game.

00:08:18Marc:As in fuck show business.

00:08:21Marc:I'm going rogue with this podcast.

00:08:27Marc:I probably won't have time to get my hearing checked before your show.

00:08:30Marc:So I will try to sit close to the stage looking forward to it.

00:08:34Marc:Fuck the game.

00:08:36Marc:Stephanie.

00:08:37Marc:P.S.

00:08:38Marc:Boomer lives.

00:08:41Thank you.

00:08:45Marc:Tripping on shrooms, I was marroning.

00:08:47Marc:I think this guy's here.

00:08:50Marc:Phil?

00:08:51Marc:All right.

00:08:54Marc:So I'm just going to skip the part where you go, I had to get this to you quick, so if you wanted to read it in Boston, I would be there.

00:08:59Marc:All right.

00:09:02Marc:So to the heart of the subject, when watching my parents' house with them while they were on vacation a few years back, my buddy brought over some shrooms, and the night, needless to say, took an interesting turn.

00:09:12Marc:After various bouts of using laser eyes to stop the lamps from dancing, trying to escape from the obnoxiously claustrophobic design of the bathroom wallpaper, and spending what seemed like an eternity debating with my then-passed-out dog if I was in a comic book or not...

00:09:34Marc:My last stop on this hallucinogenic train was my entire being invoked by your Jewie Karawakian comedy spirit.

00:09:44Marc:Having recently listened to the Louis C.K.

00:09:46Marc:episodes, at the time I was spouting off phrases like, well, I don't know, maybe, or you know what, fuck it.

00:09:53Marc:And it all seemed to flow with the entertaining anger and wit you dispense like a switchblade.

00:09:57Marc:My buddy, watching me while he was snapping his fingers and weirdly bobbing his head, stopped me after a couple of minutes to ask me exactly what I was doing.

00:10:07Marc:I shook my head in disbelief and shot back at him, if you don't stop acting like an asshole, this will never air.

00:10:14Marc:It was great and outerworldly, to say the least.

00:10:21Marc:Outworldly.

00:10:22Marc:Big fan of the show and happy to see good things coming your way.

00:10:24Marc:Looking forward to the show.

00:10:25Marc:Thank you, Phil.

00:10:25Marc:All right, this one's good.

00:10:33Marc:My brother is an evil hippie.

00:10:37Marc:This one's good because this guy's like the real deal.

00:10:40Marc:Not that you're not Phil, but there's a little bullshit in that one.

00:10:47Marc:Am I right?

00:10:48Marc:Really?

00:10:50Marc:The dog in the comic book thing?

00:10:51Marc:Come on.

00:10:52Marc:Really?

00:10:53Marc:All right.

00:10:56Marc:Good writer.

00:10:56Marc:You're a good writer.

00:10:57Marc:I saw the intention.

00:10:58Marc:You know, if you hadn't set it up with, man, I've got to get you this to read live.

00:11:01Marc:If you hadn't set it up that way, I wouldn't have thought, like, this guy's a writer.

00:11:03Marc:He's pretty funny.

00:11:04Marc:All right.

00:11:06Marc:I'm kidding.

00:11:06Marc:Thank you for sharing.

00:11:07Marc:Don't hurt yourself.

00:11:11Marc:My brother's an evil hippie.

00:11:12Marc:You with me?

00:11:13Marc:All right.

00:11:14Marc:Well, hi, Mark.

00:11:15Marc:Sometimes on your show, you talk about evil hippies, and I never really got what you were talking about.

00:11:18Marc:I mean, I'm from Oregon, and I smoke a lot of weed, and I spend all my bar mitzvah money on a canoe.

00:11:28Guest:That's the line right there.

00:11:37Marc:This has been going on for a while.

00:11:40Marc:I live in a co-op or at least the contractually enforced ruins of a co-op.

00:11:45Marc:I've been spat on by a drunk shaman.

00:11:47Marc:Point is, I feel like I've met some hippies and I'd never really have called them evil.

00:11:51Marc:But you always say that on your show.

00:11:53Marc:That's something about your show.

00:11:55Marc:I feel like you say things that make a lot of sense.

00:11:57Marc:You seem to be the only one I see who's as irrationally anxious and freaked out by the world as everybody I know is.

00:12:03Marc:But your cultural references go way over my head.

00:12:06Marc:And I thought maybe evil hippie was just one of those things you talked about from elsewhere in space time.

00:12:15Marc:But I just realized something.

00:12:16Marc:I was with my brother in the kitchen after smoking.

00:12:19Marc:I was watching him gulp down plain spaghetti, the biggest fucking bites I've ever seen, in the gross white kitchen light.

00:12:27Marc:He looked like a python eating a peccary.

00:12:31Marc:It was alarming watching him choke down the rope of pasta.

00:12:35Marc:He's pale and has super black hair.

00:12:38Marc:His lips pierced.

00:12:39Marc:So is his septum.

00:12:41Marc:It's sort of a pointy neon green horseshoe.

00:12:43Marc:And I realized my brother is an evil hippie.

00:12:49Marc:I completely get what you mean now.

00:12:50Marc:It's super intense and now I'm a little freaked out.

00:12:53Marc:I feel like he's got some sort of creepy dark power.

00:13:03Marc:Subject line, hetero sex club.

00:13:06Marc:Check out Club Sesso in Portland.

00:13:09Marc:My girl and I travel up from LA every few months and we have sex with each other in front of others.

00:13:13Marc:It's chill, laid back and quite fun.

00:13:20Marc:I'd invite you along but that might be awkward.

00:13:24Marc:That's it.

00:13:31Marc:All right, here's the last one.

00:13:32Marc:Classic mishear.

00:13:34Marc:Hey, Mark, I think I may have heard you say nip it in the butt instead of nip it in the bud, referring to nipping something like a bud of a flower to prevent it from growing.

00:13:43Marc:It reminded me that I used to say for all intensive purposes instead of for all intents and purposes.

00:13:51Marc:My friend had the best one.

00:13:52Marc:He thought the kiss song said, I want to rock and roll all night and part of every day.

00:13:59Laughter

00:14:03Guest:Wait, wait.

00:14:06Guest:He goes, do you think Paul Stanley would only party part of the day?

00:14:10Marc:No fucking way.

00:14:14Marc:The best gym.

00:14:16Marc:All right.

00:14:16Marc:There you go.

00:14:17Marc:Some emails.

00:14:23Marc:All right.

00:14:23Marc:I'm going to bring out this first guy, but I want to bring you out.

00:14:26Marc:I want to bring him out with what he wrote me to get on the show.

00:14:31Marc:Is that all right, Dan?

00:14:33Marc:Huh?

00:14:34Marc:All right, this is from Dan Krohn, and I booked him on the show.

00:14:37Marc:I booked him because I watch his tapes, and he's from here, and a lot of people want me to have him on.

00:14:42Marc:But this is after I booked him on the show.

00:14:44Marc:He goes, hey, man, I'm reaching out not only to thank you for putting me on the live show, but to give you some more background on me.

00:14:51Marc:I feel like I have to get out of my head, but I'll try and make it quick.

00:14:55Marc:I've been living in Somerville and doing comedy eight years.

00:14:57Marc:Born in California, I grew up in Brookline and was introduced to comedy early by my dad who owned a record store in Kenmore Square.

00:15:03Marc:Records were everywhere.

00:15:05Marc:Besides Hendrix, Muddy, and Bebe, there was Henny Youngman and Steve Martin and Cheech and Chong.

00:15:08Marc:I was listening to comedy at 10 years old.

00:15:10Marc:I met Johnny Carson when I was 15, seeing Jurassic Park in Malibu.

00:15:15Marc:Soon Yee, Woody's wife slash adopted daughter, was one of my camp counselors at sweepover camp in Maine.

00:15:21Marc:I would get kicked out of Hebrew school class for listening to comic relief tapes.

00:15:25Marc:Forgot about wanting to be a comedian for a while.

00:15:27Marc:Distracted by college and being in punk bands.

00:15:29Marc:I'd only played handfuls of shows.

00:15:30Marc:Got a creative writing degree from a college that doesn't exist anymore.

00:15:35Marc:Started comedy at Dick Dougherty's Comedy Vault.

00:15:37Marc:Did the door and rose to the ranks of a slow weekend penciled-in headliner.

00:15:41Marc:Started a punk rock stand-up show for a couple years that got sort of big and booked bands and my friends.

00:15:45Marc:I did some great shows with Stan Hope.

00:15:47Marc:I've been moving to New York for four years.

00:15:50LAUGHTER

00:15:51Marc:Trapped on the New England island of comedy.

00:15:53Marc:First comic I ever saw was Tony V when I was 15.

00:15:55Marc:He opened for Carrot Top.

00:15:58Marc:I'm the only Jew comic left in Boston, and I don't count Rich Seiswer because he's always doing cruises.

00:16:04Marc:Anyway, your podcast has given me great company.

00:16:06Marc:I'm in a drive to gigs to God knows where.

00:16:08Marc:The New England comedy scene is crazy dark and twisted, but I think I'm figuring out some things.

00:16:12Marc:I feel like I'm doing the work.

00:16:13Marc:I feel like I'm getting better.

00:16:15Marc:I was with Tony V tonight, as a matter of fact, at an American Legion Hall for 300 people in Western Mass.

00:16:20Wow.

00:16:21Marc:The Michael Keaton episode got me there.

00:16:23Marc:Thanks again, man.

00:16:24Marc:Dan Crone, ladies and gentlemen.

00:16:29Marc:Hey, buddy.

00:16:32Marc:Hey, man.

00:16:32Marc:How are you?

00:16:33Guest:Doing good, buddy.

00:16:33Marc:All right, let's do it.

00:16:35Guest:All right.

00:16:35Marc:All right, so let's just go right down the fucking list.

00:16:37Marc:What record store did your dad own?

00:16:39Guest:It was a record store underneath the Kenmore Square, like the huge Sitco sign.

00:16:44Guest:Yeah?

00:16:44Guest:It's now Campus Convenience, which is now just a place for college kids.

00:16:49Marc:What was it called?

00:16:50Guest:He managed it.

00:16:53Guest:I have no idea, to be quite honest.

00:16:55Marc:You were too young?

00:16:56Marc:It was just this weird place where there were records and your dad was there?

00:16:58Guest:There was records all over the apartment.

00:17:00Marc:Right under the sicko sign?

00:17:01Marc:Yep.

00:17:02Marc:Right by Storyville?

00:17:03Marc:Who remembers Storyville?

00:17:04Marc:Cross street?

00:17:04Marc:Nobody?

00:17:05Marc:A few of you.

00:17:06Marc:That fucking place was scary.

00:17:07Marc:Right near Narcissus?

00:17:09Marc:Yeah, yeah.

00:17:10Marc:Right in that building in Storyville.

00:17:11Marc:Holy shit.

00:17:14Marc:No, the building where Storyville used to be an SRO fucking hotel.

00:17:18Marc:This guy, Frankie Bastille, who I told some of you about the last show, in that fucking place, right across from your dad's record store, when he probably still owned it, I saw some guy shooting up for the first time.

00:17:29Marc:What, that's not funny to you?

00:17:30Marc:Listen to me.

00:17:33Marc:It's pretty fucking funny.

00:17:34Marc:Right.

00:17:34Marc:So I wanted to get a half a gram of Coke, so I go to my Coke dealer's house, and somehow or another I left with a fucking Fender amp because he dealt with mostly musicians, so it was sort of a museum of lost dreams.

00:17:46Marc:Like, I'll pay you back.

00:17:48Marc:Just take the amp for now and just give me the eight ball.

00:17:50Marc:I'll be back for it.

00:17:51Marc:So...

00:17:52Marc:So I end up going back to Frankie's SRO with the amp and a half a gram of Coke, and he goes, can I do something?

00:17:57Marc:I'm like, sure.

00:17:57Marc:He goes, I'm going to shoot mine.

00:17:58Marc:I'm like, fuck.

00:18:00Marc:Okay.

00:18:00Marc:I guess I'll watch.

00:18:01Marc:Now, there is a punchline to this.

00:18:04Marc:So I snort some lines, and he goes into the bathroom and ties himself off, and he pulls the syringe and shoots himself up in the arm, and literally he goes, fuck, man, there's baking soda in this.

00:18:20Marc:And I was so impressed that he could taste from the inside.

00:18:22Marc:I was like, that's like junkie genius.

00:18:26Marc:He can taste with his veins.

00:18:29Marc:Anyways, back to your Jewish upbringing.

00:18:31Marc:Yeah.

00:18:33Guest:Brookline.

00:18:34Guest:Oh, that's where the Jews live.

00:18:35Guest:Yeah.

00:18:36Guest:It's huge.

00:18:36Guest:Brookline.

00:18:37Guest:Brookline.

00:18:37Marc:That's right.

00:18:39Marc:So your dad owned this record store.

00:18:41Marc:So how'd you end up in Malibu seeing Johnny Carson at a movie theater?

00:18:43Guest:Born in California.

00:18:45Guest:All my family lives out there.

00:18:46Guest:So visiting my grandmother.

00:18:47Guest:Went to go see Jurassic Park.

00:18:49Guest:Right.

00:18:49Guest:Johnny Carson's in the back row.

00:18:51Guest:Yeah.

00:18:52Guest:My grandmother drags me by my ear to go meet him and says, this is my grandson.

00:18:55Guest:He wants to be a comedian.

00:18:56Guest:And the networking in me, I should have done a better job.

00:18:59Guest:But I think I said, no, I don't.

00:19:02Marc:And Johnny said, you're right, you shouldn't, kid.

00:19:06Marc:Good instincts.

00:19:06Guest:I think I was 12, and then we saw Jurassic Park, and at the end, he just came up to me and he said, did you enjoy the movie?

00:19:13Guest:That's a showbiz story.

00:19:15Guest:I mean, as 12 years old, who thinks you're going to see Johnny Carson and his girlfriend?

00:19:19Guest:That's a hell of a story.

00:19:20Guest:I mean, that was it.

00:19:20Guest:That was when I should have said, hey, just so you know, can I get your email?

00:19:24Guest:Well, email wasn't around there.

00:19:25Marc:I think you did the exact right thing.

00:19:28Marc:I think if a 12-year-old, how old are you?

00:19:30Marc:12?

00:19:31Guest:Yeah, 12.

00:19:31Marc:If you would have said, hey, can I get your address or something?

00:19:33Marc:Because I think in the future I'm going to make a bad decision.

00:19:36Marc:He would be...

00:19:38Guest:But now, yeah, everybody goes, hey, you have a good showbiz story?

00:19:40Guest:Yeah, I met Johnny Carson.

00:19:41Guest:Come on.

00:19:42Guest:When you were 12?

00:19:43Guest:Nothing to do with comedy, though.

00:19:44Marc:When did you decide to be a comic, dude?

00:19:45Guest:04, which is my birthday or anniversary is this Thursday, nine years.

00:19:50Marc:You count the years of doing comedy?

00:19:52Guest:I do.

00:19:53Guest:I started 4-4-04, so that kind of made me think about it all the time.

00:19:56Guest:Maybe it was a different day.

00:19:57Marc:But what are you actually gauging?

00:19:59Marc:Because, I mean, if I know comics, every year that goes by, you're like, am I still on schedule?

00:20:03Marc:How come I didn't fucking get that thing yet?

00:20:04Marc:When is that going to happen?

00:20:05Guest:I know I don't have a gig that night.

00:20:06Marc:Yeah.

00:20:07Yeah.

00:20:07Guest:There you go.

00:20:08Marc:There's a sad story.

00:20:10Guest:But I actually called Dick.

00:20:11Guest:I'm going to be at the vault that night, the place I started.

00:20:13Guest:So what the hell?

00:20:14Marc:Dick Daugherty, if you don't know, I'll do my impression of Dick Daugherty when I first did a road gig with him.

00:20:18Marc:I'm driving Dick somewhere and he goes, you know what your problem is, Marin?

00:20:22Marc:You're insecure.

00:20:24Marc:All right.

00:20:26Guest:He actually fired me because I didn't drive him.

00:20:28Guest:Oh, really?

00:20:28Guest:Yeah.

00:20:29Marc:See how that works?

00:20:29Guest:I didn't know, though.

00:20:31Guest:That was a thing.

00:20:31Guest:You had to drive the headliner.

00:20:33Marc:But what did you do?

00:20:34Marc:Didn't you have a gig up until recently?

00:20:36Guest:Yeah, I was doing Tuesdays at the vault, but like the punk rock stand-up, I ended it a couple years ago, but just a fun show with bands.

00:20:42Guest:But didn't you have a day gig?

00:20:43Guest:Yeah, I was a teacher.

00:20:44Guest:See that?

00:20:46Marc:You quit a noble profession, helping our children.

00:20:49Guest:And it's a good thing, because I was doing it half-assed because of this comedy thing, so...

00:20:53Guest:I had to get out of there.

00:20:55Marc:How does that look?

00:20:56Marc:I felt guilty.

00:20:56Guest:I was a guidance counselor and all I was thinking about was my MapQuest directions to Bangor, Maine when I should have been helping the kids.

00:21:04Marc:You should have been thinking about why you're still using MapQuest.

00:21:09Marc:Maybe you should upgrade your computer a little bit.

00:21:13Guest:I was trying to scale it back a couple years.

00:21:15Marc:To this decade.

00:21:17Marc:So wait, but were you being a bad guidance counselor?

00:21:22Guest:Deep down, in my heart, I felt they should probably get somebody who is not a comedian and is not staying up until 3 in the morning and is not pissing his life away at night.

00:21:30Marc:But what I'm asking you, did you ever have kids sitting in front of you and you went, I don't fucking know.

00:21:34I don't fucking know.

00:21:34Guest:I always say, like, I provided guidance.

00:21:37Marc:Do what you want.

00:21:37Marc:What are you asking me for?

00:21:39Guest:I'm fucking tired.

00:21:40Guest:Exactly.

00:21:41Guest:I was exhausted.

00:21:42Guest:And, yeah, just tough stuff.

00:21:44Guest:I couldn't juggle both of them.

00:21:45Guest:So this is the first year where I quit and tried to see if I can do this.

00:21:50Guest:Have you seen a guidance counselor?

00:21:53Guest:My old guidance counselor who told me I would never do anything, so I appreciate him at the most.

00:21:58Marc:So you're out of the education racket.

00:21:59Guest:Yeah.

00:22:00Guest:Oh, my God.

00:22:00Guest:It was a tough decision, and I'm struggling, but I feel good.

00:22:06Guest:Yeah?

00:22:06Guest:Yeah, definitely.

00:22:07Marc:Just trying to do comedy.

00:22:08Marc:What about the Jew thing?

00:22:09Guest:How's that working out?

00:22:11Guest:Happy Pesach.

00:22:13Marc:Are you religious at all?

00:22:14Guest:Not at all.

00:22:15Marc:No?

00:22:15Guest:But I was bar mitzvahed.

00:22:16Marc:Yeah?

00:22:17Marc:How'd that go?

00:22:18Guest:Temple Israel here in Boston, and then I had my party at Route 1 in Saugus at a...

00:22:23Guest:A place called Weilu's, which is a giant temple that they built for a Chinese restaurant, and I had my party there.

00:22:33Guest:It's still there, but it's been closed for like eight years.

00:22:35Guest:So there's a giant temple there, and there's no, you know, nobody took it over.

00:22:41Marc:Was there a theme to your bar mitzvah?

00:22:44Marc:God, please tell me there was.

00:22:45Guest:A lot of pork.

00:22:46Marc:Yeah, that was it?

00:22:48Guest:A reform.

00:22:50Guest:I'm not a real Jew.

00:22:53Marc:Reform?

00:22:54Guest:The Yo-Yo Man.

00:22:56Guest:He performed at me.

00:22:57Guest:He performed at my show.

00:22:58Guest:The Yo-Yo Man was there?

00:22:59Guest:He was from the Smothers Brothers back in the day.

00:23:02Marc:Who told you that?

00:23:04Guest:My folks.

00:23:05Marc:And that meant nothing to you.

00:23:06Marc:This yo-yo guy used to work with the Smothers Brothers.

00:23:09Guest:The best is that my parents told me what he made this week.

00:23:12Guest:$150.

00:23:13Guest:Yeah?

00:23:14Guest:And I actually have my first bar mitzvah gig this Saturday coming up.

00:23:17Marc:It's too bad you weren't doing comedy then.

00:23:19Marc:You might have opened for him in Maine.

00:23:21Marc:The yo-yo man.

00:23:22Marc:What exactly did the yo-yo man do?

00:23:24Guest:Tricks and then he autographed yo-yos and gave them out to the kids.

00:23:29Marc:So wait, let me see if I can give you a flashback.

00:23:31Marc:So you're the bar mitzvah boy, right?

00:23:33Marc:It's your big day.

00:23:34Marc:You've been seated.

00:23:35Marc:It's like, everybody, everybody, pay attention.

00:23:38Marc:So you're sitting there in the middle of a dance floor in a chair, and this guy's just going.

00:23:45Guest:Instead of lifting me up on the chair like they do.

00:23:48Guest:Exactly, exactly.

00:23:51Guest:He was good, though.

00:23:52Guest:He killed it.

00:23:56Guest:It's hard to make it stick.

00:23:59Guest:It's hard to make it stick.

00:24:02Marc:Done and done.

00:24:05Marc:That must have been a big day for you.

00:24:07Guest:Oh, it was?

00:24:09Guest:We drew it up.

00:24:12Guest:Wait, hold on.

00:24:17Guest:What about walk the dog?

00:24:18Guest:Walk the dog.

00:24:19Guest:There you go.

00:24:24Marc:Fucking Duncan, man.

00:24:25Marc:Duncan.

00:24:27Marc:That was the shit, right?

00:24:28Marc:Remember?

00:24:29Marc:Mom, I want a Duncan butterfly.

00:24:31Marc:I want a Duncan butterfly.

00:24:32Marc:I've moved out of the Imperial.

00:24:35Marc:a good thing?

00:24:37Marc:Should we be nostalgic for the yo-yo?

00:24:48Marc:Was that a simpler time where kids were better kids?

00:24:52Marc:Where you just give them something they couldn't watch porn on?

00:24:57Marc:Here's a toy you can't jerk off to that we understand.

00:25:00Marc:I should have put the yo-yo guy in my credits.

00:25:03Marc:Give the kid a yo-yo.

00:25:04Marc:You don't have to be worried that they're going to use it in some way that you can't stop them from doing it.

00:25:09Marc:See some kid choking himself out with a fucking yo-yo string.

00:25:14Marc:Walk in.

00:25:14Marc:He's got it tied around his dick and he's trying to make it walk the dog.

00:25:17Marc:Yes, I just went all that way for that joke.

00:25:21Marc:I did the hip thrust and everything.

00:25:23Marc:You saw it here.

00:25:24Marc:49-year-old Marc Maron fucking a yo-yo.

00:25:27Guest:And that's about as Jewish as I get.

00:25:30Guest:I mean, yo-yo man.

00:25:31Marc:Did you ever fuck anything on stage for a joke?

00:25:38Guest:No, I mean, I got Jewish material, right?

00:25:40Guest:But I don't know.

00:25:41Guest:Like what?

00:25:41Guest:What do you got?

00:25:42Guest:I was a poor Jew growing up, which really just means I was doing pretty good.

00:25:46Guest:I told myself I didn't want to do my act, but you just trapped me in it.

00:25:50Guest:It worked.

00:25:52Guest:Don't be afraid of it.

00:25:53Guest:What's the next one?

00:25:55Guest:I said I would go to their birthday parties.

00:25:59Guest:Their goodie bag gift was better than the gift that I gave them.

00:26:04Guest:I got a transformer for going to the kid's party, and all I got the kid was a travel edition of Connect Four.

00:26:08Guest:It wasn't equal.

00:26:13Marc:It's too bad.

00:26:15Marc:When your dad got out of the record racket, what was the next phase of that dream?

00:26:19Guest:He sold copiers.

00:26:21Guest:Payroll services.

00:26:24Marc:It's like one of those weird real jobs.

00:26:26Guest:Right.

00:26:26Guest:He did the payroll for the old comedy connection and got me into the first comedy show I ever saw with Kara Topp and Tony V. Yeah.

00:26:34Guest:And I sat in the third row.

00:26:35Guest:Yeah.

00:26:36Guest:I was like 15 years old.

00:26:37Guest:Yeah.

00:26:37Guest:And I didn't know about an opening act.

00:26:39Guest:And Tony came out.

00:26:40Guest:Yeah.

00:26:40Guest:And said, how's everybody fucking doing?

00:26:42Guest:Yeah.

00:26:42Guest:And I looked at my dad and I said...

00:26:44Guest:this is it.

00:26:45Guest:I want to do this.

00:26:46Guest:He said fuck in front of people.

00:26:47Guest:That was exactly it.

00:26:48Guest:I didn't know.

00:26:49Marc:He's funny.

00:26:50Marc:How did you respond to Carrot Top?

00:26:52Guest:I was a huge fan.

00:26:53Guest:I was great and one of the highlights of my career thus far was playing cards with Tony V and him telling me the story that he would hide when he was on the road with him he would hide Carrot Top's props before the show and one time he made Carrot Top cry.

00:27:13Guest:And for me to tell him that story at a card game was one of my highlights.

00:27:17Marc:You told Carrot Top that story?

00:27:19Guest:No.

00:27:20Marc:So he made Carrot Top cry?

00:27:21Marc:Yes.

00:27:22Marc:He just hid the whole big giant thing of the props.

00:27:25Marc:I saw his show in Vegas because I went to interview him and he invited me to his show.

00:27:30Marc:And it was like there was so much money in that show.

00:27:33Marc:Huge production.

00:27:35Marc:Huge production, but it's unnecessary.

00:27:38Marc:He does his prop thing, and then at some point, two-thirds of the show, it literally starts snowing in the theater for no fucking reason at all.

00:27:46Marc:And I asked him, what was that about?

00:27:47Marc:He's like, well, you know, we had the money.

00:27:52Marc:That was pretty respectable.

00:27:54Marc:For snow?

00:27:55Marc:Well, just like with no explanation whatsoever.

00:27:57Marc:So when are you going to move to New York?

00:27:58Marc:When is that happening?

00:28:00Guest:I think you got a laugh on my, I've been moving there for four years.

00:28:02Guest:It's not going to happen.

00:28:03Guest:This is, I'm trapped.

00:28:04Guest:I can't leave.

00:28:05Marc:What do you fucking mean, man?

00:28:06Guest:Right.

00:28:07Guest:No, you know what?

00:28:07Guest:That's not true.

00:28:08Guest:I'm just very comfortable and complacent and I love it.

00:28:12Guest:I got a good apartment.

00:28:13Guest:I don't know if that means anything, but I don't want to live with like 12 people in a railroad apartment in New York.

00:28:18Marc:Are you chasing the dream?

00:28:20Marc:You're making it happen, buddy.

00:28:22Guest:Here we go.

00:28:22Guest:The last podcast I did was like 30 listeners, so this is a step up.

00:28:29Guest:What if you've got to leave Boston?

00:28:31Guest:When am I going to leave Boston?

00:28:33Guest:I think quitting the teaching job was the first step.

00:28:35Guest:Are you married?

00:28:37Guest:I'm not single.

00:28:38Guest:I should have moved four years ago.

00:28:39Guest:You're right.

00:28:41Guest:I got a lot of friends there.

00:28:42Guest:And then the whole thing of starting over.

00:28:44Guest:They're like, oh, you're not really starting over.

00:28:47Guest:You are.

00:28:47Guest:I feel like you are starting over.

00:28:49Marc:You know what?

00:28:49Marc:Excuse me a minute.

00:28:50Marc:Let's talk.

00:28:52Marc:There's a lot of fear here.

00:28:54Guest:Let's get into it.

00:28:55Marc:I think you've got to go to New York and take the fucking hit.

00:28:59Marc:Just take the hit.

00:28:59Guest:Right.

00:28:59Guest:Just do it.

00:29:00Guest:Oh, yeah.

00:29:01Marc:Let's do it.

00:29:04Marc:Because, like, what's the worst that could happen?

00:29:05Marc:You fail.

00:29:07Marc:You think you're not funny.

00:29:07Marc:I think that's the worst.

00:29:08Marc:Yeah.

00:29:10Marc:No one likes you.

00:29:11Marc:You can't get work.

00:29:12Marc:I don't care about that.

00:29:13Marc:You're in an apartment in New York.

00:29:14Marc:You're lonely.

00:29:15Guest:How about if I'm just there Monday through Thursday and I have to keep coming back to New England for the work?

00:29:18Marc:I did that for a fucking year, bro.

00:29:21Marc:Okay.

00:29:21Marc:Do it.

00:29:22Marc:Because what will happen is you'll be in New York.

00:29:25Marc:You'll be coming up here to do the Leaning Tower comedy or whatever.

00:29:30Marc:Giggles, baby.

00:29:31Marc:Giggles, sure.

00:29:31Marc:You'll come up and do those gigs.

00:29:33Marc:You'll go back to New York and you'll be like, fuck, I can't get on anywhere.

00:29:36Marc:This is bullshit.

00:29:37Marc:What the fuck am I doing here?

00:29:38Marc:And then you start coming back here and you won't have enough work up here.

00:29:41Marc:And then you'll get so miserable and depressed and you realize you fucked up your whole life.

00:29:46Marc:Sick.

00:29:46Marc:And you'll write your first good hour.

00:29:50Guest:If it goes like that, then I'm going to move.

00:29:52Guest:Dan Crone, ladies and gentlemen.

00:29:53Guest:Appreciate it.

00:29:54Guest:Thanks, Mike.

00:29:55Marc:Thank you, Dan.

00:29:56Marc:Ladies and gentlemen, this next performer, to me, is like, you know, she should be a national treasure here in Boston.

00:30:04Marc:And I think she is.

00:30:04Marc:You might have seen her in The Fighter.

00:30:06Marc:Please welcome Sue Costello to stage.

00:30:14Marc:Hey, over here.

00:30:17Marc:Talk on the microphone so they can all appreciate that stuff that comes out of your mouth.

00:30:21Guest:What's up, motherfuckers?

00:30:23Guest:She really talks like that.

00:30:27Guest:Hi.

00:30:28Marc:I tell you, man, it was such a stretch, that performance in The Fighter, for you to turn on that accent and everything.

00:30:33Guest:I played a crack addict.

00:30:36Guest:i wasn't i was auditioning for one of the sisters yeah and he and he got the crack addict yes he's like tell me about your drug problem i was like what the fuck is he talking about my drug problem yeah and then he's like everybody's talking about you so i was like i'm just gonna go with it yeah and i was like who the fuck's talking about me he's like everybody i'm like really and then my neck started pulsating out of nowhere i don't even know what happened and then his phone rang yeah and he answered it yeah and i went mental

00:31:01Guest:And I go, fuck you.

00:31:02Guest:I go, you're going to ask me about my drug problem, and then you're going to answer your fucking phone.

00:31:06Guest:And he goes, whoa, whoa, whoa.

00:31:09Guest:He goes, it's my son.

00:31:10Guest:I go, I don't give a fuck who it is on the phone.

00:31:13Guest:And they dragged me out of there.

00:31:15Guest:Really?

00:31:15Guest:Yeah, they had the other girls, get her out of here, get her out of here.

00:31:19Guest:And I was in the bathroom, and I was like, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.

00:31:23Guest:I didn't even know what happened.

00:31:25Guest:And I was like, and then we got outside and you could tell I didn't get the sister.

00:31:28Guest:And all of a sudden the door came flying open.

00:31:31Guest:Where's Sue Costello?

00:31:32Guest:Where's Sue Costello?

00:31:33Guest:I'm like, I'm right here.

00:31:34Guest:They're like, you're going to be in the movie.

00:31:35Guest:You're going to play a crack addict.

00:31:37Guest:I'm like, I am?

00:31:37Guest:They're like, yes, that's what he was auditioning you for.

00:31:40Guest:So I did a good crack addict.

00:31:44Guest:They said that's what a crack addict would do the second they had an in.

00:31:47Guest:Like as soon as he answered the phone, they would try to divert it.

00:31:49Marc:So you just instinctively knew what a drug addict would do.

00:31:51Guest:I just had it from all my Meisner technique from UMass Boston.

00:31:54Marc:What about all your... Did you go there?

00:31:58Guest:I went to UMass Boston.

00:31:58Guest:The one out in Dorchester?

00:31:59Marc:Yeah.

00:32:00Marc:I didn't know anyone went there.

00:32:01Guest:That's how I started... It's a commuter school!

00:32:07Guest:That's how I started doing stand-up.

00:32:09Marc:I always used to drive by and go, who the fuck goes there?

00:32:12Marc:It seems like a nice building.

00:32:14Marc:Does anyone go there?

00:32:16Marc:I think I went swimming there once, of all things.

00:32:19Marc:There was a pool there.

00:32:21Marc:Someone I knew had a card.

00:32:23Marc:It was the weirdest fucking thing I ever did in my life.

00:32:26Marc:Where'd you grow up, though?

00:32:27Guest:I grew up in Savon Hill, Dorchester, Massachusetts, 02125.

00:32:32Guest:Yeah.

00:32:33Marc:Right across from UMass.

00:32:34Marc:So was it fucking scary or what?

00:32:36Marc:What?

00:32:37Marc:Growing up there.

00:32:37Guest:Yeah, it was pretty scary.

00:32:38Marc:Yeah?

00:32:39Guest:People get mad at me.

00:32:39Guest:They're like, don't say that.

00:32:40Guest:I'm like, why?

00:32:41Guest:I'm lucky.

00:32:42Guest:People, like, if I moved away and people are like, were you prom queen?

00:32:46Guest:I'm like, prom queen?

00:32:47Guest:I'm lucky I still have my teeth.

00:32:51Marc:But I was always scared of it.

00:32:52Marc:It was scary.

00:32:54Marc:I just thought that I would drive past some fucking street and automatically I'd be wearing a yarmulke and they'd just be like, there's a Jew in our neighborhood.

00:33:05Guest:Yeah, I never met any Jewish people until I moved to Brooklyn.

00:33:09Marc:So it was all Irish people?

00:33:10Guest:All Irish people.

00:33:11Guest:And we fought.

00:33:12Guest:That's how I first got... That story I just told you was the second callback for the fight.

00:33:16Guest:The first callback.

00:33:17Guest:I went in and they were auditioning.

00:33:19Guest:They asked us, like, how tall are you?

00:33:21Guest:I'm like 5'3".

00:33:22Guest:They're like, how much do you weigh?

00:33:23Guest:I'm like 105 pounds.

00:33:23Guest:They're like, have you ever been in a fistfight?

00:33:26Guest:And it was like my two worlds collided, Hollywood and Dorchester, and I was like, have I ever been in a fist fight?

00:33:33Guest:I was like, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click.

00:33:35Guest:Which one should I tell them?

00:33:36Guest:Which one should I tell them?

00:33:37Guest:Which one should I tell them?

00:33:38Guest:Which one should I tell them?

00:33:40Guest:And so I was like, all right, I was walking through Faneuil Hall.

00:33:42Guest:Yeah.

00:33:43Guest:I was like with my sister, who was at BU Law at the time.

00:33:46Guest:She had one moocor class under her belt.

00:33:47Guest:That's it.

00:33:49Guest:And I was shit-faced, and I had a lazy, my lazy eye would always come out when I was drunk, too.

00:33:53Guest:I was like...

00:33:56Guest:always looking for a fight right when I'm walking and this girl comes walking she was like seven feet tall she had like a leather jumpsuit on with zippers all over it and she's walking towards us like my sister turns around she goes don't you say a fucking word so she walks by me and I go under my breath

00:34:21Guest:And she turns around and sucker punches me and knocks me out cold.

00:34:25Guest:In the middle of a restaurant, I am knocked out cold, and the girl's gonna fucking kill me.

00:34:29Guest:She's like, ah, ah.

00:34:31Guest:My sister's trying to calm her down with her moot court skills.

00:34:33Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:34:35Guest:And she finally calms her down, and I wake up, and I call her a cunt, and she knocks me back out again.

00:34:47Ah!

00:34:47Marc:So you were a good fighter.

00:34:49Guest:That's how I got the movie.

00:34:50Guest:David O. Russell.

00:34:51Guest:I swear to God.

00:34:53Guest:I called the casting director.

00:34:54Guest:I'm like, am I going to get the movie?

00:34:55Guest:She's like, Sue, we don't know, but David O. Russell is telling everybody you come to her.

00:35:01Marc:Was he a good guy?

00:35:06Guest:He's a little nutty.

00:35:07Marc:He's a little nutty.

00:35:09Guest:Yeah.

00:35:09Guest:And Christian.

00:35:11Marc:What?

00:35:12Guest:Well, Christian was on YouTube.

00:35:13Marc:Oh, I thought you said he was Christian.

00:35:14Marc:I'm like, what happened?

00:35:15Guest:No, no, no.

00:35:15Guest:They all had reputations for, like, being yelling.

00:35:18Marc:Yeah.

00:35:19Marc:So you're there with Christian Bale, who did a fucking insanely amazing job in that movie.

00:35:25Marc:So good.

00:35:25Marc:I'm saying that, like, he's right here, so I think we should all... No, he's so good.

00:35:29Marc:No, but, like, he... What?

00:35:32Marc:Someone say something?

00:35:36Marc:What?

00:35:36Marc:Okay, thank you.

00:35:37Marc:Thank you, sir.

00:35:39Marc:What is it, kind heckling night?

00:35:41Marc:It's so rare you hear that, like, just a heckle, like, you're doing a good job up there.

00:35:48Guest:I know, we're so ready.

00:35:51Guest:What?

00:35:51Guest:What'd you say?

00:35:51Guest:Interrupting a story.

00:35:53Marc:Hey, Mark!

00:35:54Marc:Nice shoes.

00:35:55Marc:We enjoy what you're doing.

00:35:56Marc:Thank you.

00:35:58Marc:It's a little disarming, because when someone talks, you're like, what the fuck is there?

00:36:01Marc:I agree.

00:36:02Marc:Okay, good night.

00:36:04Marc:Good stuff.

00:36:08Guest:Huh?

00:36:09Guest:What?

00:36:10Guest:He concurs.

00:36:11Marc:Oh, he concurs.

00:36:11Marc:Okay, see, now you took a little too far.

00:36:15Marc:So go fuck yourself.

00:36:18Okay.

00:36:18Marc:I met a guy in LA, and I used to know him years ago, but I don't want to mention any names.

00:36:23Marc:I hadn't seen him in 20 years, and I said to him, I said, what have you been doing?

00:36:26Marc:He's like, I'm fucking done with fuck comedy.

00:36:29Marc:I'm like, what's the matter?

00:36:30Marc:He's like, people were stealing my shit.

00:36:32Marc:And I'm like, who?

00:36:34Marc:What are you talking about?

00:36:35Marc:He goes, you know that line when you hear a siren on the street?

00:36:41LAUGHTER

00:36:41Marc:I'm like, what?

00:36:43Marc:He goes, yeah, my ride's here, that's mine.

00:36:47Marc:I'm like, Jesus, yeah, you got a real problem.

00:36:49Guest:I'm serious, I'm serious.

00:36:54Guest:He probably did ride it.

00:36:58Marc:But is that what you're going to say to people?

00:37:00Marc:I mean, like, someone stole my rides here?

00:37:05Guest:But that's a Boston thing to do, to get a resentment that eats away at your guts for the rest of your life.

00:37:11Ha ha ha!

00:37:11Guest:Ruin your whole career over some stupid joke.

00:37:14Marc:Fuck you.

00:37:17Marc:Put it on your tombstone.

00:37:18Guest:My ride's here.

00:37:22Guest:I'll show them.

00:37:23Marc:And just put your name right under it.

00:37:28Marc:Did you ever fight any fights that you won, Costello?

00:37:31Marc:No.

00:37:32Marc:But wait, when I met you, when you were starting out, didn't you have some other fucked up job?

00:37:37Guest:Weren't you like a... I worked with high-functioning, mentally challenged people for a while.

00:37:43Guest:I was very good at that.

00:37:44Guest:I worked at McDonald's.

00:37:45Marc:See how everyone quiets down like that?

00:37:48Marc:No, but it's a very noble job.

00:37:50Marc:But in my mind, there was part of me that wants to go like, that must have been hilarious.

00:37:54Guest:Hilarious.

00:37:54Guest:I was telling my friend today, seriously, one of them, I was Irish Catholic, I was 16, we didn't talk about sex, and I got to the house one day, and the lady's like, listen, I gotta go, you can either vacuum or give Mark a shower.

00:38:05Guest:And I was like, um, I'll give Mark a shower.

00:38:08Guest:I don't even know why I said it, I had never seen a naked man before.

00:38:11Marc:How old is Mark?

00:38:12Guest:Mark's like 35, and he's like, has like a mongoloid.

00:38:15Guest:He's a mongoloid, whatever that's called.

00:38:17Guest:Down syndrome.

00:38:24Down syndrome.

00:38:24Sorry.

00:38:25Guest:That's what I meant.

00:38:26Marc:It was an innocent mistake.

00:38:27Marc:You know what I mean?

00:38:28Marc:We're older.

00:38:28Guest:That's what I meant.

00:38:32Guest:Things change.

00:38:33Marc:We don't keep up.

00:38:36Guest:That's what I meant.

00:38:37Marc:I know, I know, I know.

00:38:39Guest:And so I went in to give him the shower and I pulled back the shower curtain and he had a purple penis.

00:38:44Guest:Purple?

00:38:45Guest:No, it was purple and I got freaked out so I shut the shower curtain and I ran out of the room and I was like, just wash your hair and get out of the shower when you're done.

00:38:51Guest:Yeah.

00:38:52Guest:And when he came out, he looked, he had his underwear, like a t-shirt in his underwear, and he was like rocking back and forth around the TV.

00:38:58Guest:And I had that feeling of like, something's terribly awry.

00:39:00Guest:I'm not sure what it is, but something's wrong.

00:39:02Guest:And the boss came home and she's like, Sue, get the fuck in here.

00:39:05Guest:I go, what?

00:39:06Guest:She goes, look at him.

00:39:07Guest:I go, I know he looks really retarded today.

00:39:09Guest:What is that?

00:39:13Guest:Yeah.

00:39:18Guest:She said, he has no fucking eyebrows.

00:39:20Guest:He shaved his eyebrows off.

00:39:21Guest:Were you watching him?

00:39:22Guest:And I was like, I got nervous because I saw the purple penis.

00:39:27Guest:And she's like, oh, that's because he jerks off so much.

00:39:32Guest:That's my noble story, working with the high-functioning cat.

00:39:38Guest:Oh, my God.

00:39:39Marc:Oh, boy.

00:39:41Marc:Excuse me.

00:39:42Marc:Can you just say retarded again?

00:39:45Marc:No one says it better.

00:39:46Guest:Let's just preface it by saying you're not supposed to use that word.

00:39:49Marc:But with this accent, it's so fucking special.

00:39:52Marc:Just one more time.

00:39:53Guest:Retarded.

00:39:56Marc:See, I even had like a little... It's one of those words, it's a shame to see it go away.

00:40:03Guest:I'm going to get in trouble.

00:40:05Marc:Mongoid I can live without.

00:40:06Marc:Retarded.

00:40:08Guest:I did not mean to say that.

00:40:10Marc:I know you didn't.

00:40:11Guest:What are you going to do?

00:40:12Guest:Fire me?

00:40:13Marc:No.

00:40:14Marc:So what do you got going on?

00:40:16Guest:My one woman show.

00:40:17Guest:I wasn't trying to be funny.

00:40:18Marc:The epic one woman show.

00:40:20Guest:Yes, I've been working on it for 15 years.

00:40:22Guest:Thank you.

00:40:23Guest:It's really good now.

00:40:24Marc:What's it called?

00:40:25Guest:I wasn't trying to be funny.

00:40:27Marc:So you got it aced now?

00:40:28Guest:I got it down.

00:40:30Marc:Yeah, what was it?

00:40:30Marc:Oh, do we need to talk about that Artie thing?

00:40:32Guest:Yeah, we got to talk about the Artie thing.

00:40:34Guest:Yes, we have to tell them.

00:40:35Guest:I owe my whole career to Mark Maron, everybody, and I just found out.

00:40:39Guest:Seriously.

00:40:41Guest:Seriously, I just found out Artie Lang put the whole thing together, which I've come to realize that guys don't remember anything.

00:40:47Guest:I'm like, remember that time?

00:40:48Guest:They're like, no.

00:40:49I don't.

00:40:49Guest:No, right?

00:40:50Marc:I had something happen to me in New Mexico where I just really don't, like, I think there was a woman that I knew for years I always had a crush on.

00:40:57Marc:And then, like, 20 years ago, 15 years ago, we hooked up a couple of times here and there.

00:41:01Marc:I have no idea whether we had sex or not.

00:41:03Marc:And I saw her, and I was like, what?

00:41:05Marc:did we uh what happened in the you know and she goes really it was that bad and i'm like and i'm like no we didn't she's like no no we didn't and i don't know whether we did but now you know she's married she got two kids and what am i supposed to email and go i'm sorry did we fuck because i don't it's not clear to me

00:41:22Guest:But guys, I don't take it personally because they don't remember anything.

00:41:24Guest:But Adi seems to remember everything about us.

00:41:26Guest:So I have this story.

00:41:27Guest:I went to New York.

00:41:28Guest:I went on to Caroline's.

00:41:29Guest:I was an aerobics instructor.

00:41:31Guest:I worked at McDonald's too.

00:41:32Guest:That might have been what you were talking about.

00:41:33Guest:No, it was the aerobics instructor.

00:41:34Guest:Aerobics instructor.

00:41:34Guest:Because I got my head caught in the drive-thru window.

00:41:36Guest:That's why I got fired at McDonald's.

00:41:38Marc:You got your head caught in the drive-thru window.

00:41:39Guest:In the drive-thru window.

00:41:40Marc:How the fuck does that happen?

00:41:41Guest:Because they had a foot pump.

00:41:42Guest:In the foot pump, you were supposed to put your foot on the foot pump and the window would slide open and you'd put your body out and give the people the food and then you'd take your body back in and you'd take your foot off the foot pump and the window would close and I could never figure out the fucking foot pump.

00:41:54LAUGHTER

00:41:54Guest:So I literally would get my body caught, and the manager was like, Carcello, if you do it one more time, you're fired.

00:42:00Marc:That was that.

00:42:01Guest:And I'm like, they have mongoloids working here, and I can't.

00:42:03Guest:No, I'm joking.

00:42:06Guest:Stop!

00:42:06Guest:I'm going to get in trouble with these stuff.

00:42:09Guest:Okay.

00:42:10Guest:So I used to teach aerobics when I was... So like Dan was saying, when you move to New York, I was a middler in Boston.

00:42:15Guest:I moved to New York, so I had to start from the beginning.

00:42:18Guest:Teaching aerobics to old ladies, 85-year-old ladies, and I had to do a bring-a-show at Caroline's, which means you have to bring like 15 people.

00:42:24Guest:I didn't know anybody in New York, so I brought the old ladies.

00:42:27Guest:Literally.

00:42:28Guest:Literally.

00:42:28Guest:Blue-haired ladies in the front row.

00:42:30Guest:And Luna Lounge was like the hipster kind of place where all the industry people hung.

00:42:35Guest:It got canceled that night.

00:42:37Guest:And all the industry people came to Caroline, saw my 10-minute set.

00:42:40Guest:I ended up in Hollywood.

00:42:42Guest:Two TV deals, my own sitcom.

00:42:44Guest:I would always tell the story that Luna Lounge got canceled.

00:42:47Guest:And then I did Artie Lang's show on Monday night.

00:42:49Guest:He goes, yeah, it got canceled because Marc Maron missed his flight.

00:42:53Mm-hmm.

00:42:53Marc:I did it for you.

00:42:55Guest:You don't remember.

00:42:57Guest:And you don't remember fucking me afterwards either.

00:43:01Marc:I do remember that.

00:43:03Marc:Because you went unconscious and you woke up and called me a cunt.

00:43:08Marc:Sue Costello, ladies and gentlemen.

00:43:11Marc:Let's move down.

00:43:12Marc:Ladies and gentlemen, this next guest, this is this thing I'm doing.

00:43:19Marc:I think he can honestly be called one of the godfathers of alternative comedy in the Boston area.

00:43:25Marc:He started the comedy studio over at the Hong Kong in Cambridge.

00:43:30Marc:And also, you know, he was working as a comic for years.

00:43:32Marc:I knew him.

00:43:33Marc:I knew his old girlfriend who was frightening.

00:43:35Marc:But now he's married and happy.

00:43:37Marc:Rick Jenkins, ladies and gentlemen.

00:43:45Guest:Thank you.

00:43:47Marc:I remember you from way back.

00:43:49Guest:Oh, yeah.

00:43:50Marc:You didn't like me.

00:43:53Guest:You know what it was?

00:43:54Guest:You were just annoying.

00:43:56Guest:You would sit there and say, how come I'm not on Letterman?

00:43:59Guest:How come I'm not on Letterman?

00:44:02Guest:And we would all say, you've been on Conan 30 times.

00:44:06Guest:You've got short attention span theater.

00:44:08Guest:No, I don't know.

00:44:10Guest:My career's not going anywhere.

00:44:11Guest:Yeah.

00:44:12Guest:Like, oh, really?

00:44:12Guest:I'm doing an open mic in the attic of a Chinese food restaurant.

00:44:16Marc:But that thing is huge.

00:44:18Marc:But you were like, we started almost at the same time because you were around that long.

00:44:21Marc:And then you were going out with Cindy Friedman, right?

00:44:23Guest:Oh, yeah.

00:44:24Marc:That was crazy.

00:44:25Guest:Oh, I didn't realize everyone hated me because the girl everyone was trying to get, I just moved to town.

00:44:30Guest:Yeah.

00:44:31Guest:And she liked me.

00:44:32Marc:That was the reason.

00:44:33Guest:Oh, well, that was one of them.

00:44:36Guest:First day I'm in Boston, I'm meeting her.

00:44:39Guest:First time I ever met DJ Hazard.

00:44:40Marc:Yeah, who will be out soon.

00:44:42Guest:She says, hey, this is Rick.

00:44:44Guest:DJ looks at me and goes, no, you're Ricky.

00:44:46Marc:Yeah.

00:44:47Guest:which was my birth name.

00:44:49Guest:Right.

00:44:49Guest:Because my parents didn't want to name me Richard for fear people would call me Dick.

00:44:52Guest:Right.

00:44:53Guest:So they named you Ricky, which is so much better as a grown man.

00:44:55Guest:Yeah, exactly.

00:44:57Guest:So DJ said, oh, I'll give you guys a ride back, puts Cindy in the front seat with him, and then puts me in the back and goes downstairs, drive as fast as he possibly can.

00:45:06Guest:And that Subaru brat?

00:45:07Guest:Side to side, yeah.

00:45:08Marc:Oh, my God.

00:45:09Guest:Yeah, so it's just a trio, yeah.

00:45:10Guest:Three days into Boston, they were trying to kill me.

00:45:14Marc:Yeah.

00:45:14Marc:When did you start the comedy studio?

00:45:18Guest:Well, all you guys had moved.

00:45:19Guest:Yeah.

00:45:21Guest:See what's going to happen to you?

00:45:24Guest:Yeah, you're trying to get all my young comics to move?

00:45:27Marc:Thanks a lot.

00:45:28Marc:I want you all alone up here, just a sour old man sitting in a dead empire in the attic of a Chinese restaurant.

00:45:36Guest:Way, way too late.

00:45:38Marc:But you started a lot of guys.

00:45:40Guest:Right.

00:45:40Guest:Well, what happened was, because no one, you, Louis, nobody was going to headline in Boston.

00:45:46Guest:You've got these big outsized personalities.

00:45:48Marc:What are you talking about?

00:45:49Marc:I headlined in every shitty place in New England.

00:45:52Guest:Yeah, but not in town.

00:45:54Marc:Well, that was the deal.

00:45:58Guest:Yeah.

00:45:58Guest:So you get all these people like you, Louis, Cross, Garofalo.

00:46:02Guest:You get to that level.

00:46:04Guest:Dane Cook talks about this.

00:46:05Guest:You get to that point, and it's like, hey, you know what?

00:46:07Guest:I'm not going to headline Knicks.

00:46:08Guest:I'm not going to headline Giggles.

00:46:10Guest:so you guys move there's a path and then next across the street five years later yeah they say hey let's just have these jerks in the back of the room do the show and that turns out to be d'apallo and patrice right and all those yeah and then they moved on patrice yeah and then they moved on and i started this little open mic and we get eugene merman and brendan small and jen kirkman and there see he did that he did that you should thank him

00:46:39Marc:It was not easy, and I don't mean to condescend to the bad gigs all over New England, but I remember doing Knicks in that time, one of the first guest spots I ever did at Knicks, I was trying to break in over there, and they would use me.

00:46:51Marc:They would put me on guest spots.

00:46:52Marc:And it was like, I was going to go on at a 10-minute guest spot, and they're like, you're going after Leary.

00:46:57Marc:And I'm like, oh, fuck.

00:47:00Marc:So Leary, he was one of those guys that even if he didn't do well, there was such a mania to it.

00:47:06Marc:He was like, gag, gag, gag, gag.

00:47:06Marc:Like, for fucking 20 minutes, he does that.

00:47:10Marc:The crowd doesn't even know.

00:47:11Marc:They've just been brain raped, you know?

00:47:15Marc:So they're, like, in some sort of weird coma because they've just experienced more human energy than they could ever imagine.

00:47:21Marc:And I get up there, and I'm like, hey.

00:47:23Marc:And I made the mistake of, like, I'm just going to step right into Leary's energy and fucking ride it out.

00:47:30Marc:So I'm like, but it wasn't my energy, so within 30 seconds, I'm like...

00:47:38Marc:And I just fucking melted away and just ate such a pile of shit.

00:47:43Marc:It was unbelievable.

00:47:44Guest:And Dominic used to run it and he was very encouraging and gentle and loving.

00:47:50Guest:What the fuck do you want?

00:47:51Marc:I'm afraid to talk about it now.

00:47:54Guest:Why?

00:47:54Guest:I don't know.

00:47:54Guest:They could kill you.

00:47:55Marc:Who the hell knows what was going on over there?

00:47:58Marc:It's like Dominic was a great guy.

00:47:59Marc:That's all I know.

00:48:00Marc:That's all I'm saying publicly.

00:48:03Marc:Good guy.

00:48:04Marc:All the people there were legit.

00:48:06Marc:Some of them, they came and went.

00:48:07Marc:You didn't know where they went.

00:48:08Guest:They used to pay you in Coke.

00:48:09Marc:Yeah.

00:48:11Guest:I'm going to get shot.

00:48:12Marc:No, you're not.

00:48:12Marc:There used to be a parking lot guy.

00:48:14Marc:They always had this parking lot guy.

00:48:15Marc:Let's go to the guy in the parking lot.

00:48:16Marc:What's happening in the parking lot?

00:48:18Marc:And then everybody was very talkative for a few hours.

00:48:21Guest:There was a show.

00:48:23Guest:Hey, can you go do the show?

00:48:26Guest:No, I don't have a car.

00:48:26Guest:You know what?

00:48:27Guest:Just stand in front of Nick's.

00:48:28Guest:Car will pull up.

00:48:29Guest:Car pulls up.

00:48:31Guest:Take it to the show.

00:48:32Guest:Come back.

00:48:32Guest:Don't look in the trunk.

00:48:35Guest:Don't look in the trunk.

00:48:36Marc:Do you remember there was a guy named Trigger?

00:48:38Marc:Trigger.

00:48:39Marc:Yeah.

00:48:40Marc:That guy was something.

00:48:42Marc:He could make a pipe out of anything.

00:48:43Guest:It was fucking phenomenal.

00:48:46Guest:But we all started.

00:48:47Guest:See, everybody did.

00:48:48Guest:Nick DePaolo.

00:48:49Guest:Remember Colin used to come up here and talk about religion at Nick's?

00:48:52Guest:One night, me and Kathy Byron had just started out.

00:48:54Guest:Colin was on stage talking about religion, and they were so mad.

00:48:57Guest:It's Irish.

00:48:57Guest:It's a bunch of Catholic people in Boston.

00:48:59Guest:He was talking about the Bible, and they were like, fuck.

00:49:01Guest:Fuck you!

00:49:02Guest:Fuck you!

00:49:03Guest:Colin, fuck you!

00:49:04Guest:And he's like, fuck you!

00:49:06Guest:And he kept talking, and then they started getting up and walking out and drove.

00:49:08Guest:He's like, put a fucking yield sign on.

00:49:10Guest:I could see you better.

00:49:11Guest:And I was like, I love him!

00:49:15Guest:It's so crazy over there.

00:49:17Marc:Huh?

00:49:17Marc:You feel like you're part of this?

00:49:21Marc:I just literally had a moment where I realized the audience was like, oh, I guess they're talking.

00:49:29Guest:Well, then after that, you had Catch Rising Star opened a franchise up here.

00:49:33Marc:No, that's where I, when I came back from Hollywood and I was like, the first time I got clean, yeah, I got spat out of Hollywood by Kenison and his fucking cocaine.

00:49:43Marc:I was running away from demons only I could see.

00:49:46Marc:Mm-hmm.

00:49:46Marc:And I ended up fucking pulling an espresso at the coffee connection.

00:49:49Guest:Yeah, and you had Robin Horton running that room.

00:49:52Marc:Fucking lunatic.

00:49:55Guest:He would ban people.

00:49:56Guest:I remember Louie used to give comics $10 if he could do their spot so that he could get more stage time, and Robin would ban.

00:50:05Guest:You're banned for six and a half weeks.

00:50:07Marc:This guy was a fucking asshole.

00:50:10Marc:This guy was one of the monumental assholes in comedy.

00:50:13Marc:I know this is a little inside baseball here, but what this guy would do is he'd have this office at the back of the club, right?

00:50:19Marc:And then we'd all show up.

00:50:21Marc:It was like open, not open mic, but a showcase night where he'd make a list.

00:50:25Marc:So we'd all be standing there, me, you, Louis, Cross, everybody, just looking at that door.

00:50:30Marc:And then he'd open the door and he'd put this fucking list up.

00:50:33Marc:And then we'd all kind of like, okay, let's go see.

00:50:35Marc:And we'd all go look at the list.

00:50:37Marc:And you'd see your names and you'd see the order.

00:50:39Marc:And you'd be like, all right, I'm fourth.

00:50:40Marc:That's cool.

00:50:41Marc:That's cool.

00:50:41Marc:That's a good spot.

00:50:42Marc:And then we'd all go sit down.

00:50:44Marc:And we're like, we're ready for the show.

00:50:45Marc:The show starts.

00:50:46Marc:And then all of a sudden you see that fucking door open again.

00:50:49Marc:And then that asshole would come back out and he'd start fucking with the list.

00:50:54Marc:Right?

00:50:54Marc:So then we'd all be sitting there and be like, is he back inside?

00:50:57Marc:Fuck, what did he do?

00:50:58Marc:And then you'd go back to the list.

00:50:59Marc:I'm like, how am I seventh now?

00:51:01Marc:What the fuck is that?

00:51:02Marc:Right?

00:51:03Marc:And then you'd be like, all right, seventh is cool.

00:51:05Marc:And then you'd go sit down.

00:51:06Marc:Two acts would go on.

00:51:07Marc:Then you'd see the door open and go, oh, you've got to be fucking kidding me.

00:51:10Marc:And then you'd go walk off to the list.

00:51:12Marc:And there were some times where you'd be on fourth, and by the fucking time he got done fucking with that list, you were on 19th, and there was nobody in the room.

00:51:19Marc:What a fucking torturing cunt that guy was.

00:51:22Yeah.

00:51:23Marc:I'm sorry about the word.

00:51:24Marc:I'm sorry.

00:51:25Marc:It was unnecessary.

00:51:26Guest:That's my word.

00:51:28Guest:I'm sorry.

00:51:29Guest:First time I auditioned for him, he said, I get the feeling you want to be a dirty comedian.

00:51:34Guest:You?

00:51:35Guest:Yeah, I said, well, you saw my act.

00:51:36Guest:I didn't do anything.

00:51:37Guest:He said, yeah, I get the feeling you might be dirty.

00:51:40Guest:I said, well, I didn't do it.

00:51:41Guest:If it's a feeling, there's nothing I can do about it.

00:51:43Guest:No, all you can do is come here, hang out, and just watch until I change my mind.

00:51:49Guest:Yeah.

00:51:50Marc:He was horrible, but he used to show up at my gigs recently.

00:51:55Marc:He would show up in Seattle, like just Robin Horton, would just be like, oh my God, why are you here?

00:52:01Marc:He's like, I see what you're doing.

00:52:02Marc:And I'm like, I haven't seen you in 15 years.

00:52:07Marc:And then I'd see him go to the back of the room and put a list on the wall.

00:52:12Marc:He was fucking hard.

00:52:14Marc:And anytime you say anything political, he'd come up to you after the show and go, that's a page out of Barry Crimin's notebook.

00:52:19Marc:I'm like, what the fuck are you talking about?

00:52:21Marc:The one political comic in Boston.

00:52:23Marc:Apparently he had ownership of anything political.

00:52:27Marc:All right, so give us another horrible story.

00:52:30Marc:Oh, name someone.

00:52:32Marc:Well, tell the one you want to tell.

00:52:34Marc:What is a life-changing story for you?

00:52:37Guest:Wow, life changing.

00:52:38Guest:Well, I think probably, well, DJ Hazard was basically, he took me under his wing when I moved here.

00:52:44Guest:Yeah.

00:52:44Guest:So he's crazy, insane, and he takes Louis C.K.

00:52:49Guest:under his wing, he takes Frank Centrale under his wing.

00:52:52Guest:And so I'm very lucky.

00:52:53Guest:I'm like, hey, you know what?

00:52:55Guest:I always thought, hey, I'll move to Boston.

00:52:57Guest:I'll be like Batman.

00:52:58Guest:This town ain't ever seen me.

00:53:00Guest:Then I go, I see DJ.

00:53:01Guest:I go, Robin.

00:53:03Guest:Robin's not a bad job.

00:53:04Guest:I ain't going to be Batman.

00:53:07Guest:Look at these people, Eric.

00:53:08Guest:Incredible.

00:53:09Guest:We go up, we do a show up in Vermont, and we stop at a little restaurant on the way back.

00:53:15Guest:And we walk in, and the place is filled.

00:53:17Guest:Everyone stops talking and just stares at us.

00:53:20Guest:I'm like, well, they know we're show business celebrities.

00:53:22Guest:Yeah.

00:53:23Guest:We sit down, we start eating, two people leave, 20 people leave, 30 people leave, now the place is empty.

00:53:31Guest:What we don't know is that two of America's most wanted criminals have been in this town, the police are looking for them, and they look exactly like me and DJ.

00:53:42Guest:So the waitress has been walking up to people saying, when you finish your pancakes, get the fuck out, they're killers.

00:53:50Guest:So we leave the restaurant, and the best part is the police didn't want to confront us in the restaurant because they had left their weapons in the car and didn't want to face me without weapons.

00:54:02Guest:We drive down Woodstock, Vermont.

00:54:04Guest:Police are following us.

00:54:05Guest:We don't know what lights come on.

00:54:07Guest:They pull us over to the side of the road.

00:54:08Guest:DJ looks at me and says, I wasn't speeding out.

00:54:10Guest:I don't know what the deal is.

00:54:11Guest:You see six police cars across the road stopping all of us.

00:54:15Guest:Guns are drawn, the whole thing.

00:54:17Guest:All right, using right hand,

00:54:19Guest:open the car door.

00:54:21Guest:So I start to go, no, no, your right hand, the other one.

00:54:23Guest:DJ yells, don't shoot him, he's just an idiot.

00:54:26Guest:They pull us out of the car, they take us to the Woodstock Vermont Police Headquarters, which is also the craft barn.

00:54:34Guest:Yeah, we're being interrogated by the FBI and there's macrame shit like all over the place.

00:54:42Guest:We go for six hours.

00:54:44Guest:This is before they had to drive our fingerprints to a fax machine to find out that we weren't the killers.

00:54:49Guest:And I said, do you think two of America's most wanted criminals and we travel the country hiding out as stand-up comics?

00:54:58Guest:And an actual FBI agent said to me,

00:55:01Guest:I've been on cases where stranger things have happened.

00:55:04Guest:What, are you on the X-Files?

00:55:06Guest:How the hell does that happen?

00:55:07Guest:But you also have to describe what DJ looked like.

00:55:09Guest:Well, we'll have him out here in a minute.

00:55:11Guest:But he doesn't look the same.

00:55:13Marc:He looks scarier now.

00:55:14Guest:Okay.

00:55:15Guest:So we leave the craft barn.

00:55:18Guest:And I say to DJ, wow, that was something.

00:55:22Guest:No one's going to believe that happened.

00:55:23Guest:DJ says, yeah, no one is going to believe it.

00:55:25Guest:I'm like, great.

00:55:26Guest:But we can't sue or anything.

00:55:28Guest:DJ says, no, think about that.

00:55:30Guest:Nobody is going to believe that that happened.

00:55:32Guest:But yeah, no, it's a strange story.

00:55:34Guest:He goes, no, listen to what I'm saying.

00:55:37Guest:It's not like anyone is going to go back to the restaurant and tell them that we were not the killers.

00:55:46Guest:So we went back to the restaurant.

00:55:48Guest:DJ just kicks in the door on the way to, oh my God, they killed the FBI!

00:55:59Marc:Awesome.

00:55:59Marc:All right, Rick Jenkins, ladies and gentlemen.

00:56:02Yay!

00:56:06Marc:This next performer used to host an open mic that was very important to certainly me and I believe Rick and my generation at Stitches.

00:56:13Marc:He went to L.A.

00:56:14Marc:for a while.

00:56:15Marc:He's been in movies.

00:56:15Marc:He just got cast in Plain View.

00:56:19Marc:He was also in Monument Avenue with Dennis Leary.

00:56:21Marc:Please welcome George McDonald to the stage.

00:56:23Marc:George, how are you, buddy?

00:56:25Marc:Here we go.

00:56:25Marc:Right here.

00:56:27Marc:It's all you.

00:56:30Marc:You look the same for like 25 years.

00:56:33Marc:Look at this fucking guy.

00:56:34Marc:If you go to YouTube, you can find a picture of George with like dark hair and a big mustache.

00:56:40Marc:That's right, with the big porno.

00:56:41Guest:Yeah, the big porno mustache.

00:56:43Marc:Yeah, classic.

00:56:45Marc:So I haven't seen you in about 15 years, but I do want to thank you for putting me on stage at Stitches at Comedy Hell.

00:56:50Marc:I was not the guy with that list, by the way.

00:56:52Guest:That's a different open mic mic.

00:56:53Marc:That was not me.

00:56:54Marc:Different guy.

00:56:55Marc:But I remember that there was a point where, because this is funny, I think.

00:56:59Guest:Yeah.

00:56:59Marc:Yeah.

00:57:00Marc:Where, like, that open mic, it was yours.

00:57:03Marc:How long did you do it?

00:57:04Guest:I did it four years, actually.

00:57:05Guest:Four years.

00:57:05Guest:Comedy hell.

00:57:06Guest:We called it comedy hell because it was Sunday night.

00:57:09Guest:30 comedians would show up.

00:57:12Guest:No people that were not comedians were in the audience.

00:57:14Guest:No civilians.

00:57:15Guest:Everybody was a comedian.

00:57:17Guest:If we put 15 of them on, the show ran three hours.

00:57:21Yeah.

00:57:21Guest:And what I remember is by hour two, you'd had a fucking nut.

00:57:24Guest:Oh, I was completely, yeah.

00:57:27Guest:Really.

00:57:27Guest:It was Sunday night.

00:57:28Guest:I was tired.

00:57:28Guest:I'd probably done 10 shows at that point.

00:57:29Guest:I just remember there was this attitude where you were like, all right, this fucking next guy.

00:57:34Guest:Well, I wouldn't even do introduction.

00:57:35Guest:Guy number 12.

00:57:38Guest:funny guy, let's hear it.

00:57:41Guest:Whoever it was.

00:57:42Marc:Guy 13.

00:57:43Marc:No intros.

00:57:45Marc:Do you remember back then that people, am I wrong in thinking that people used to snap on stage more?

00:57:51Guest:Well, I think it happened a lot, yeah.

00:57:52Guest:Well, you know what happens sometimes, too?

00:57:54Guest:We would get people come into the open mic night that really needed professional care.

00:57:58Guest:They didn't need to be in show business at all.

00:58:00Guest:They were just bananas.

00:58:01Guest:Those guys were, you know, that was kind of like refreshing.

00:58:04Guest:The comics would all go, oh, he's legitimately crazy.

00:58:08Marc:Don't you remember people like Jay Charbonneau would literally snap constantly?

00:58:13Marc:Oh, yeah.

00:58:15Guest:Well, we were drinking a lot back then, too.

00:58:17Guest:I know I would snap once in a while.

00:58:18Marc:Do you have any good snap stories?

00:58:20Marc:Because I always enjoy those.

00:58:21Guest:Well, I have a good drunk story, actually.

00:58:23Guest:The Hot Tin Roof.

00:58:24Guest:Oh, in Nantucket?

00:58:25Guest:Yeah.

00:58:26Guest:Oh, shit.

00:58:26Guest:No, the Vineyard.

00:58:28Guest:Martin Vineyard.

00:58:28Guest:Oh, yeah.

00:58:29Guest:Big, big club, about 500 seats.

00:58:31Guest:It's why I don't drink anymore.

00:58:32Guest:Oh, really?

00:58:32Guest:Oh, yeah.

00:58:33Guest:This is the story?

00:58:34Guest:Oh, yeah.

00:58:34Guest:Oh, good.

00:58:36Guest:I had been up for about three days, you know, just working on an experiment with some friends that we did back in the 80s.

00:58:45Guest:It's a long experiment.

00:58:47Guest:A lot of us were involved.

00:58:48Guest:And they served alcohol on the boat at that time on the ferry, which was real helpful by the time I got to the gig.

00:58:53Guest:And actually, I got called up.

00:58:55Guest:Chance had called me up.

00:58:56Guest:He said, somebody canceled, and I was living on the South Shore, so it was easy for the other people to pick me up and take me to the gig, except for the condition that I was in.

00:59:04Guest:And I said, I can't drive.

00:59:06Guest:And he said, we'll have someone pick you up.

00:59:07Guest:So in other words, we'll enable you.

00:59:09Guest:Get in the car.

00:59:10Guest:It'll be great.

00:59:11Guest:So I go to the gig, pounding down drinks on the boat, get to the hotel, pounding down drinks at the hotel, get to the show.

00:59:19Guest:Why stop there, right?

00:59:21Guest:So I get up on the stage, and it was always a tough room.

00:59:23Guest:The microphone was always tinny, and it was tough to work the room.

00:59:26Guest:It was horrible.

00:59:27Guest:Oh, it was a tough gig.

00:59:28Guest:It was a tough gig.

00:59:30Guest:So five minutes into it, of course, no one's even paying attention.

00:59:33Guest:And I put the microphone back in the stand, and I said,

00:59:35Guest:It's about 500 people.

00:59:36Guest:It's an old airplane hangar.

00:59:37Guest:And I said, do you know what I really fucking hate about this club?

00:59:41Guest:That's how I started.

00:59:43Guest:I hate the fucking owner.

00:59:45Guest:And I went down the list of all this shit that I thought.

00:59:47Guest:I didn't realize, you know, so I went, oh, I just went off.

00:59:50Guest:I just went off.

00:59:51Guest:And the whole room, who had been talking and not paying attention, shut up completely.

00:59:56Guest:And they go, that guy's fucking crazy.

00:59:59Guest:I walked off the stage and the audience just parted like the Red Sea.

01:00:02Guest:Went to the bar, kept drinking, woke up the next day, didn't remember it all until they told me.

01:00:07Guest:They go, do you remember what you did?

01:00:09Guest:And I'm thinking, I really did that?

01:00:12Guest:I thought I just thought about doing that.

01:00:16Guest:So that's embarrassing, right?

01:00:18Guest:But the next day, all the other comics, they go, let's go out to breakfast.

01:00:21Guest:So you go out to breakfast, and there's nothing else to do on the island that night, so everybody on the island goes to the comedy show.

01:00:27Guest:So people are coming over to the table and going, hey, Moto, you were good.

01:00:30Guest:Tony, you were good.

01:00:32Guest:You were drunk, man.

01:00:36Guest:Mike Moto.

01:00:37Guest:Moto was there, yeah.

01:00:38Guest:Moto was in the wings as I'm just crashing and burning, and Moto's in the wings going...

01:00:42Marc:That is always the fucking worst thing to see as a comic.

01:00:48Marc:Come on.

01:00:49Marc:We've had enough.

01:00:50Marc:Yeah, Mike Motto.

01:00:51Marc:Yeah, I remember that.

01:00:52Marc:Didn't he used to open his show where he'd take the mic and he'd push the mic stand down and he'd go, I'd like to do a rather unusual ventriloquist act.

01:01:00Guest:That's right.

01:01:04Guest:I think he did.

01:01:04Guest:Was that like his opening line?

01:01:06Guest:I can't remember that.

01:01:07Marc:That's fucking weird that I remember that.

01:01:09Guest:That is weird.

01:01:09Yeah.

01:01:10Marc:I got stuck in the band house on Nantucket at the Muse with Mike Motto.

01:01:14Guest:Oh, my God.

01:01:15Guest:I remember I was doing that gig one time.

01:01:16Guest:I was with Laz.

01:01:17Guest:And we're doing the stage.

01:01:19Guest:And the stage was right near the entrance from the parking lot.

01:01:22Guest:And the show's already going on.

01:01:24Guest:And someone's banging on the door.

01:01:25Guest:And it's like, who the fuck is banging on that door, man?

01:01:27Guest:Straighten that guy.

01:01:28Guest:The door's open.

01:01:29Guest:It was the owner.

01:01:29Guest:He was more drunk than anybody in the place.

01:01:31Guest:Yeah.

01:01:31Marc:But that band house was horrible because you couldn't get off the island, so you had to stay in this shack that had bunk beds.

01:01:37Guest:I just did that gig.

01:01:39Marc:You just did that gig?

01:01:41Guest:Yeah.

01:01:41Guest:With two guys out in the audience.

01:01:44Guest:It was the worst condo I've ever stayed in.

01:01:46Guest:A condo?

01:01:47Guest:It was so good, that building with the bunk beds, and we hated it so much that we took the 630 ferry out of there.

01:01:54Marc:Yeah, it was bad.

01:01:55Marc:You didn't even sweep in the bunk beds.

01:01:57Guest:No, we stayed there on the couches because it was so disgusting.

01:02:00Guest:There was a giant shit in the toilet as soon as we got to the condo.

01:02:02Guest:Oh, my God.

01:02:03Guest:I can't believe that.

01:02:04Guest:That just happened this summer.

01:02:05Guest:It was pouring rain in one of the worst New England gigs ever.

01:02:07Marc:It's still fucking there?

01:02:07Marc:The bunk beds are still there?

01:02:09Guest:They're still doing comedy.

01:02:10Guest:That's right.

01:02:11Guest:Yes, they are?

01:02:12Guest:Wow, because that had to be like the...

01:02:13Marc:It was fucking horrendous.

01:02:15Marc:I just remember, first of all, we were on coke, and now you're in a bunk bed with another dude on coke?

01:02:22Marc:And you're sitting there going, oh, fuck, man.

01:02:24Marc:And he's up there going, no shit, man.

01:02:26Marc:Let's talk for a little while.

01:02:28Marc:On bunk beds.

01:02:29Marc:It was like some sort of evil childhood memory.

01:02:31Guest:Oh, it's terrible.

01:02:34Marc:God damn it.

01:02:34Marc:Yeah, but I just remember, like, there was, like, I told you backstage, I remember opening for you somewhere at some shitty situation.

01:02:41Marc:There were many.

01:02:42Marc:Right, you had, like, we had to do, like, 45 at the end, but at some point, you, like, occasionally you would juggle those balls, right?

01:02:48Marc:That's right, yeah.

01:02:49Marc:Dependent upon the room, yeah.

01:02:50Marc:If you could actually do it, yeah.

01:02:52Marc:Yeah, but, like, you didn't like juggling.

01:02:55Marc:Not really.

01:02:56Yeah.

01:02:57Marc:So I just remember I brought George up.

01:02:58Marc:He did a half hour for nobody, and they were a shitty audience, and he took these fucking five balls out of a bag, and I don't know if you've ever seen one hatefully juggling.

01:03:07Marc:Yeah, it's good.

01:03:08Marc:It's a skill, let me tell you.

01:03:09Marc:He was really like, all right, we're fucking doing this now.

01:03:13Marc:I'm almost done.

01:03:14Marc:As soon as the one ball... Checking my watch in between.

01:03:16Marc:Is that fucking the time?

01:03:18Marc:Instead of the apple, you're like...

01:03:24Marc:That's hilarious.

01:03:25Marc:Bitter juggling.

01:03:26Marc:Oh, yeah, absolutely.

01:03:27Guest:George used to flip the guns.

01:03:29Guest:George, tell him.

01:03:29Guest:He used to live with us.

01:03:30Guest:Yeah.

01:03:31Guest:Me, Greg Fitzsimmons, and George used to live together in New York.

01:03:34Guest:Well, I never did that bit on stage, but I was going to twirl.

01:03:36Guest:He used to be in his room flipping his guns and flipping the back in.

01:03:39Guest:I'd hear the noise.

01:03:39Guest:I'd be like, George, what are you doing?

01:03:41Guest:First, he'd blow dry his hair.

01:03:42Guest:Yeah.

01:03:43Guest:I still do.

01:03:44Guest:And then he'd put his things on.

01:03:45Guest:What are they called when you put the guns in there?

01:03:46Guest:Colster.

01:03:46Guest:Yeah, he'd put his holster on and then on here.

01:03:48Guest:Click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click.

01:03:51Guest:And I'm like, what are you doing, George?

01:03:52Guest:And he would flip the guns and put them in the thing really quick.

01:03:54Guest:Real guns?

01:03:55Guest:Yeah.

01:03:55Guest:No, no, no, no.

01:03:56Guest:That was replicates.

01:03:57Guest:They were fake.

01:03:58Guest:This was just a hobby?

01:03:59Guest:I can get you some.

01:04:00Guest:I am from South Boston, so I can get you.

01:04:01Guest:No problem.

01:04:02Guest:You have a gun-flipping hobby?

01:04:04Guest:No.

01:04:04Guest:No, I was actually going to try to work it into a bit, but it just never happens.

01:04:07Guest:I was just trying to do the...

01:04:09Guest:gun twirling thing or something.

01:04:10Guest:Were you trying to work it into your last bit ever?

01:04:13Guest:Yeah, right.

01:04:14Guest:That could be.

01:04:15Marc:That could be.

01:04:16Guest:I'm going to use this soon.

01:04:17Marc:These are just practice guns.

01:04:19Guest:That's it.

01:04:19Guest:He's still loaded.

01:04:21Guest:Run to your lines.

01:04:23Guest:That last guy killed, literally.

01:04:26Marc:Oh, shit.

01:04:29Marc:So what's the new movie you're in then?

01:04:30Guest:The new movie is called In Plain View, written and produced by Joe Conforti, directed by Tom Kemp.

01:04:36Guest:Got some good folks in it.

01:04:37Guest:Tony V's going to be in it.

01:04:38Guest:I'm going to be playing a womanizing, sleazy, politician, alcoholic, drug addict, which once again means I'm the victim of typecasting.

01:04:46Guest:So...

01:04:47Guest:But now, who else?

01:04:49Guest:Let me see.

01:04:49Guest:Bobby Wahlberg's in it, and Tom Hamilton, if his schedule allows, from Aerosmith is going to be in it, and a whole slew of other people.

01:04:58Guest:It's going to be a webisode.

01:04:59Guest:They're going to shoot the 20-minute pilot, and then the rest of the film will be in, I think, 20-minute segments, and I can't tell you how many there'll be because I suck at math.

01:05:08Guest:Well, that's fucking great.

01:05:09Guest:Yeah.

01:05:09Guest:Oh, it's great.

01:05:09Guest:It's a great script.

01:05:10Guest:I read the entire script as a screenplay, and it's really good.

01:05:13Guest:Joe wrote a great script.

01:05:14Guest:Oh, that's fucking awesome.

01:05:15Guest:And do you do the stand-up anymore?

01:05:16Guest:Yeah.

01:05:16Guest:Once in a while, I do it.

01:05:17Guest:I do more writing.

01:05:18Guest:Usually, if I do any stand-up, it's related to recovery.

01:05:22Guest:There's a place, Right Turn, where we do it.

01:05:24Guest:You guys know Right Turn?

01:05:25Guest:Yeah, yeah.

01:05:26Guest:And it's a recovery place that's geared for creative people, and we do a lot of comedy shows and fundraisers and stuff over there.

01:05:33Guest:I do that a lot.

01:05:34Guest:But mostly writing, actually.

01:05:35Guest:I actually wrote a play about stand-up.

01:05:38Guest:This play, Stickball Productions, who just did... Recently just did an adaptation of The Friends of Eddie Coyle that people might have seen.

01:05:47Guest:And they got a show called Bouncers that's up now.

01:05:49Guest:And they've read this... The play that I wrote is called At the Funny Factor.

01:05:52Guest:And it's based on...

01:05:54Guest:The ding-ho.

01:05:55Guest:Basically, it's set back in the 80s, and it's the ding-ho, and characters are consolidations of real people.

01:06:01Guest:You just mash them up?

01:06:02Guest:Yeah, kind of, yeah.

01:06:04Marc:That was the fucking classic club.

01:06:06Marc:Well, great.

01:06:06Marc:It's good to see you, man.

01:06:07Marc:George McDonough, ladies and gentlemen.

01:06:11Marc:Right now, it's my pleasure to bring on a guy that is legendary.

01:06:13Marc:He's one of the funniest fucking guys that ever lived.

01:06:16Marc:I haven't seen him in about 20 years.

01:06:17Marc:I didn't know if he was still alive or he would make it, even.

01:06:21Marc:When I used to see this guy wandering around town when we were both drunks, I would show up in a room and he'd go, oh, look, the marinated man.

01:06:27Marc:The marinated man is here.

01:06:30Marc:Teddy Bergeron, ladies and gentlemen.

01:06:41Guest:Marinated man.

01:06:43Guest:And you're doing well.

01:06:44Marc:I'm doing all right, Teddy.

01:06:46Guest:It's terrific.

01:06:47Guest:Boston.

01:06:48Guest:Yeah.

01:06:50Guest:Boston.

01:06:50Guest:Yeah.

01:06:51Guest:Well, you love Boston.

01:06:52Guest:Sure.

01:06:53Guest:Everybody loves Boston.

01:06:54Guest:Absolutely, Teddy.

01:06:55Guest:I'll be like on the road.

01:06:56Guest:Yeah.

01:06:57Guest:I'll be working in Texas or Florida.

01:06:59Guest:Yeah.

01:06:59Guest:I mentioned I'm from Boston.

01:07:01Guest:There's always someone, oh, really?

01:07:03Guest:I'm from Boston, too.

01:07:05Guest:And I'm like, oh, really?

01:07:06Guest:What part?

01:07:07Guest:Maine.

01:07:13Marc:I'm fucking so glad to see you, man.

01:07:16Guest:It's good to see you, Mark, and I'm glad you're doing well.

01:07:19Guest:I really am.

01:07:20Guest:I'm so surprised.

01:07:22Guest:Not surprised.

01:07:25Okay.

01:07:28Guest:I'm surprised with myself for being able to pick them out.

01:07:35Guest:Oh, yeah.

01:07:36Guest:Good spin, good spin.

01:07:37Guest:I'm a little tired.

01:07:39Guest:Yeah, all right.

01:07:39Guest:I'm getting no sleep.

01:07:40Guest:I have recurring dreams, nightmares, you know.

01:07:44Guest:I'm being chased by giant alligators and lizards and crocodiles and I can't go back to sleep.

01:07:51Guest:I told my doctor, he said I have reptile dysfunction.

01:07:56Guest:Oh, shit.

01:07:57Guest:What do you take for that?

01:07:58Guest:What do I take?

01:08:03Guest:Anyway, look at the energy you bring here.

01:08:09Guest:Yeah, yeah.

01:08:10Guest:Because energy's important, Mark.

01:08:12Guest:Yeah, it is.

01:08:12Guest:You know that comedy in life.

01:08:13Marc:Yes.

01:08:14Guest:Life is, we live in a duality.

01:08:16Guest:It's positive, negative energy.

01:08:18Guest:Yeah, right.

01:08:18Guest:Back and forth.

01:08:19Guest:We fight with it.

01:08:20Guest:Yeah.

01:08:20Guest:Happens to me.

01:08:21Guest:I see a woman.

01:08:21Guest:Yeah.

01:08:22Guest:Positive energy.

01:08:23Guest:She wants me.

01:08:24Guest:Yeah.

01:08:25Guest:Then the negative energy comes in.

01:08:26Guest:Well, what a beautiful woman like her want with somebody like you.

01:08:29Guest:Yeah.

01:08:30Guest:Then the positive returns.

01:08:31Guest:Maybe she's an idiot.

01:08:33I'm sorry.

01:08:39Guest:Because negative energy is no good for comedy.

01:08:42Guest:We're in that theater district.

01:08:43Guest:Peter Pan, they play, I saw the sign.

01:08:46Guest:I went to see Peter Pan on Broadway.

01:08:48Guest:There's always some guy in the crowd that would want anybody to have fun, right?

01:08:52Guest:And all the kids are excited.

01:08:53Guest:And Sandy Duncan played Peter.

01:08:56Guest:She took a bow, and she flew above the crowd.

01:08:59Guest:And all the kids are like, oh, look at her fly, look at her fly.

01:09:02Guest:There's always that jerk in the back and a deep voice.

01:09:04Guest:She's on a wire!

01:09:07LAUGHTER

01:09:07Guest:She's not flying, she's on a wire.

01:09:09Guest:There's no Santa Claus and she's on a wire.

01:09:14Guest:No, she's flying.

01:09:15Guest:She's on a wire.

01:09:17Guest:It's gonna break.

01:09:18Guest:If she'll land on you, you'll die.

01:09:23Guest:How would you like to be an Olympic performer?

01:09:28Guest:Yeah.

01:09:28Guest:They perform in front of those guys that never, the sportscasters, are they a little negative, a little critical?

01:09:35Guest:Yeah.

01:09:35Guest:Because you watch like a diver.

01:09:37Guest:Yeah.

01:09:37Guest:And he's off the board.

01:09:39Guest:Yeah.

01:09:39Guest:And he back flips into a double somersault.

01:09:41Guest:Yeah.

01:09:41Guest:He spins out of that to the left to the right, upside down, triple cartwheel into the water.

01:09:46Guest:You're like, wow.

01:09:47Guest:And you hear, no, that's a shame.

01:09:50LAUGHTER

01:09:56Guest:You've got to remain positive.

01:09:58Guest:It's hard in Boston because you've got to drive into traffic.

01:10:02Guest:I know that.

01:10:04Guest:Seriously, Boston traffic's going to piss you off.

01:10:07Guest:You could be the nicest guy in the world.

01:10:10Guest:Maybe on a blind date trying to show how thoughtful you are.

01:10:13Guest:Oh, you look so special.

01:10:16Guest:And because you look special, I'm going to take you to my favorite restaurant because it's special just like you.

01:10:22Guest:Yeah.

01:10:22Guest:And it's not far from here either, no.

01:10:25Guest:It's just down the road of peace, and we should be there just as soon as fuckhead gets out of the way!

01:10:31Guest:Oh, look at this asshole!

01:10:36Guest:Asshole wouldn't be here if it wasn't for fuckhead!

01:10:41Guest:But you're going to love this place.

01:10:43Guest:It's got a great atmosphere.

01:10:45Guest:It's got great ambience.

01:10:48Guest:Oh, you can't drive in Massachusetts.

01:10:50Guest:And I know it's Eastern and religious and everything, but this is the last state that Mother Teresa visited.

01:10:56Guest:Do you remember that, Mark?

01:10:57Guest:Sure.

01:10:57Guest:She was in New Bedford, Massachusetts.

01:10:59Guest:That was her last pilgrimage.

01:11:02Guest:And there was a priest that drove into the high mass.

01:11:04Guest:Yeah.

01:11:05Guest:No, I'm sure it happened to him.

01:11:06Guest:Yeah.

01:11:07Guest:He's like, oh, Mother Teresa.

01:11:09Yeah.

01:11:09Guest:When the bishop told me that I'd be driving you to the Mass, I felt so blessed as if the good Lord himself was smiling down upon.

01:11:20Guest:Elvis, a high mass at 10, and an early rosary at 9, which we're not going to make with this fucking traffic.

01:11:28Guest:Watch my language.

01:11:30Guest:That's easy for you to say.

01:11:31Guest:You're not driving any shit.

01:11:33Guest:No, you don't have to drive anyway, do you?

01:11:36Guest:Because you're my Teresa.

01:11:38Guest:And everybody's got to kiss your ass.

01:11:40Guest:Who the fuck do you think you are?

01:11:44Yeah.

01:11:48Marc:Oh, yeah.

01:11:50Marc:Teddy!

01:11:52Marc:Oh, this is so good.

01:11:55Marc:This is so funny.

01:11:59Guest:Do you think any Catholics are left in the room now?

01:12:01Guest:They can handle it.

01:12:02Guest:They're built and taken.

01:12:03Guest:Mother Teresa, you know.

01:12:04Guest:Yeah, they're all right.

01:12:05Guest:I'm afraid, you know, as a race Catholic, I'm going to pass away.

01:12:07Guest:I'm afraid I'll be walking into heaven.

01:12:09Guest:She'll be sitting in the gates of heaven.

01:12:12Guest:There's the son of a bitch.

01:12:14Guest:I'm waiting for you, funny guy.

01:12:15Guest:Hey, do the Mother Teresa thing.

01:12:17Guest:The one you did on the Marc Maron show at the Wilbert Theater, and you thought you were so fucking funny.

01:12:23Guest:We'll do it right now for St.

01:12:24Guest:Peter.

01:12:25Guest:See if they think you're so fucking funny.

01:12:28Marc:Oh, God, it's good to see you.

01:12:36Guest:I'm up for this.

01:12:38Guest:When I heard you were doing it, I got up for it.

01:12:40Marc:I'm so fucking great.

01:12:42Marc:I had to track you down.

01:12:43Marc:You're not easy.

01:12:44Marc:You know they have websites and phones now.

01:12:49Guest:Well, actually, I got a pass for the night.

01:12:54Guest:I talked to the doctors.

01:12:57Guest:They let me out for a couple of hours.

01:12:59Marc:I fucking believe that.

01:13:02Marc:I remember you used to talk about your father a lot.

01:13:04Guest:Well, he had...

01:13:06Guest:He was a negative guy, too.

01:13:08Guest:No faith in me.

01:13:09Guest:No kidding.

01:13:09Guest:Oh, my God.

01:13:10Guest:Christmas morning.

01:13:12Guest:What a happy time for a kid.

01:13:13Guest:I'd have my new toy.

01:13:14Guest:I'd run across the room, show it to Daddy.

01:13:16Guest:And he'd smile and say, let's see you bust it now.

01:13:21Guest:And I'd get all freaked out and dropped it, you know.

01:13:23Guest:No matter what.

01:13:24Guest:You know, I'd be at the dinner table.

01:13:26Guest:I'd ask for a glass of milk.

01:13:27Guest:Yeah, spell all over the table.

01:13:30Guest:You know, he used to announce my Little League games.

01:13:33Guest:Oh.

01:13:34Guest:Oh, yeah, he did the play-by-play over the air.

01:13:36Guest:Yeah.

01:13:36Guest:That was a lot of fun.

01:13:37Guest:Yeah.

01:13:37Guest:There's a fly ball at deep center field going backwards.

01:13:41Guest:My son, watch him drop it.

01:13:45Guest:He dropped it.

01:13:46Guest:And I watched the little son of a bitch.

01:13:48Guest:He's going to kick it around for half an hour and then throw it right into the fucking stands.

01:13:53Guest:You're leading me into some good stuff.

01:14:04Guest:By the way, did you ever... I know you were a class clown.

01:14:09Guest:I was a class clown.

01:14:10Guest:Did you ever call the school in the morning and get out of it and make your voice deep and say, hello, Teddy Bergeron can't come to school today, he's sick.

01:14:17Guest:Who's speaking?

01:14:19Guest:Um, this is my father.

01:14:23Guest:But did your mother ever call you a son of a bitch?

01:14:25Guest:Yeah, sure.

01:14:26Guest:That was an odd mama, wasn't it?

01:14:28Guest:You son of a bitch!

01:14:29Guest:Well, I agree with you.

01:14:32Guest:Do you ever look at your horoscope?

01:14:35Guest:Oh, my horoscope?

01:14:35Guest:Well, I'm a cancer.

01:14:37Guest:I'm a Cancer.

01:14:40Guest:Because you look at the other ones.

01:14:42Guest:Aquarius, take a vacation.

01:14:43Guest:You deserve it.

01:14:44Guest:This is your year.

01:14:46Guest:Sagittarius, you've worked hard.

01:14:48Guest:You should relax.

01:14:50Guest:Good things are happening for you.

01:14:51Guest:Cancer, buy a shotgun.

01:14:55Guest:Place your mouth over the barrel and pull the trigger.

01:14:58Guest:You owe it to yourself and your friend.

01:15:01Guest:Denny Bergeron, ladies and gentlemen.

01:15:05Marc:Let's move it down and get DJ out here.

01:15:07Marc:That was beautiful.

01:15:09Marc:You feel good?

01:15:10Marc:I had fun.

01:15:10Marc:I love it.

01:15:11Marc:My hometown.

01:15:13Marc:Right now, it's my pleasure to bring out a man that inspired me, Louis C.K., and spawned an entire generation of Boston comics, DJ Hazard, ladies and gentlemen.

01:15:23Thank you.

01:15:26Guest:Let's do it.

01:15:37Guest:DJ.

01:15:37Guest:Yeah, microphones and everything.

01:15:40Guest:Yes.

01:15:40Guest:Five of you fuckers are spitting on this thing.

01:15:43Guest:Like Ebola.

01:15:44Marc:This is the guy that Rick was talking about who went into the diner with him.

01:15:48Guest:Who got mistaken as a fucking serial killer.

01:15:51Guest:What's the chance of going on?

01:15:55Marc:Yeah.

01:15:56Marc:I remember you used to drive around a man your size in a Subaru Brat.

01:15:59Guest:Subaru Brat.

01:16:01Marc:You literally just see your head in the Subaru Brat.

01:16:04Guest:Do you remember what was written on the side?

01:16:06Guest:No.

01:16:06Guest:Because there was a time in Massachusetts where they tried to fuck us, and any pickup truck had to have commercial plates just for the extra money.

01:16:16Guest:But you couldn't park in a commercial zone unless you had lettering on the truck.

01:16:20Guest:So I said, this is fucking war.

01:16:22Guest:So I went to this truck lettering guy, and the next day it rolled out, Hazard Institute.

01:16:30Guest:It had numbers on the side of the truck, it was like a part of a fleet, and it was backwards on the hood like an ambulance so they could read it in the air.

01:16:37Guest:Fuck you.

01:16:38Guest:Don't fuck with me.

01:16:43Marc:When I was starting, I remember seeing you play against Ams in probably 1984 or 85.

01:16:52Marc:You were fucking intense.

01:16:54Marc:I remember the ceiling was so low, you almost hit the fucking ceiling.

01:16:58Marc:Do you remember those fucking times?

01:17:00Guest:Do you remember when I make the whole audience talk to the movie room above?

01:17:03Marc:Oh, yeah, there was a movie theater.

01:17:05Guest:Upstairs, if anybody remembers, there was a movie bar upstairs in the ceiling, and I'd have like 200, 250 people, and I'd teach them.

01:17:14Guest:Some people had known it already.

01:17:15Guest:On the count of three, we're all going to say, waitress, can I have some popcorn here?

01:17:20Guest:No over here.

01:17:25Guest:No over here.

01:17:27Guest:Ah, forget it.

01:17:31Marc:One, two, three, in the movie room.

01:17:37Marc:Haunted.

01:17:38Marc:Now, so, like, you know, you used to drive him around, you used to drive Louis around.

01:17:43Guest:Yeah, yeah.

01:17:43Guest:No, no, no.

01:17:45Guest:Nobody drove Louie.

01:17:47Marc:Oh, that's right.

01:17:47Marc:He had all those fucking cars.

01:17:49Guest:Louie never had a license because Louie's cruising speed, his average speed was 100 miles an hour.

01:17:55Guest:He was always getting his license revoked, but he still fucking drove.

01:17:58Guest:Actually, at one point, he wanted to join the Air Force and be a killer helicopter pilot.

01:18:05Guest:They must have seen him out on the bike because I'd never seen a guy so quickly weave between

01:18:11Guest:He had, like, foresight.

01:18:12Guest:He was, like, psychic.

01:18:14Guest:He knew where every car was.

01:18:15Guest:I'm like, ah!

01:18:18Guest:And he was, like, 12.

01:18:19Guest:How old was he?

01:18:20Guest:Yeah, he was his little Howdy Doody puppet.

01:18:26Guest:And...

01:18:27Guest:And he drove like a maniac.

01:18:29Guest:Oh, oh, oh.

01:18:30Guest:And back then, the telephone company had this chat room, right?

01:18:34Guest:And where kids, teenagers could call and talk to each other.

01:18:38Guest:And they had moderators to moderate the chat.

01:18:42Guest:And he, if it was a guy who was Jack, if it was a girl who was Jill, he was moderating a teenage chat room on the phone.

01:18:50Guest:Louis fucking CK.

01:18:52Guest:Yeah.

01:18:54Guest:I don't know.

01:18:56Guest:Shut up.

01:18:59Guest:Fuck you.

01:19:01Guest:So when he started coming around Sam's, I said, someone's got to watch out after this guy at least one night a week.

01:19:09Guest:Yeah.

01:19:10Guest:So Barry Katz.

01:19:12Guest:Yeah, sure.

01:19:12Guest:Barry Katz, big famous agent now.

01:19:14Guest:But he started.

01:19:16Guest:Alpermiker doing the door at Play It Again Sam's when Chance Langton used to have the shows there.

01:19:21Guest:And Chance Langton, the owner of Play It Again Sam's, never got along well.

01:19:24Guest:One night, there was a meltdown, and the owner of Play It Again Sam's, you, fuck you, get the fuck out of my club, never fucking come back.

01:19:30Guest:He goes to Barry Katz, you, you're running the show.

01:19:32Marc:And that was his... That's how he did it?

01:19:35Marc:Chance is out, Barry's in.

01:19:36Guest:Right.

01:19:36Guest:Now, Barry Katz, if you don't know him, he's like the most Aryan Jew in the world.

01:19:41Guest:Yeah.

01:19:41Guest:He's...

01:19:44Guest:He's like 6'7", blonde, right?

01:19:48Guest:He looks like a Norse god.

01:19:52Guest:But when he opens his mouth, he sounds like Penny Marshall and Jack Nicholson had a baby.

01:19:57Guest:I'm a big Jew.

01:19:59Guest:He's just saying, I'm hung like a vitamin.

01:20:06Guest:Can you go out there and do that?

01:20:07Guest:Yeah.

01:20:10Guest:So he started running the shows, but he wasn't around.

01:20:15Guest:He hired some girl at the top of the stairs to collect the money, and we were just fucked.

01:20:19Guest:So Louis, I said, dude, if you help me run the room, you could do a set every Friday.

01:20:23Guest:I was there every Friday.

01:20:24Guest:And he was like, oh, I sucked.

01:20:25Guest:I'm not coming back.

01:20:26Guest:No, no, come back.

01:20:27Guest:I need you to run the room.

01:20:30Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:20:30Guest:You're working for me now.

01:20:31Guest:Working for me, yeah.

01:20:32Guest:So he, I don't know, he's very generous.

01:20:34Guest:And he says, like, I kind of, like, stopped him from joining the Air Force.

01:20:40Marc:Thank God you did.

01:20:41Guest:Yeah.

01:20:42Guest:That would have been a different Louis.

01:20:43Guest:I don't know what we would have gotten there.

01:20:45Guest:Pity the enemy.

01:20:46Guest:There'd be no fucking wars.

01:20:47Guest:Yeah.

01:20:48Guest:It would be over.

01:20:50Guest:Iraq, six minutes.

01:20:54Guest:Fuck you.

01:20:54Marc:Goodbye.

01:20:57Marc:Are you still doing a lot of stand-up?

01:20:58Marc:No.

01:20:59Guest:No.

01:21:02Guest:As little as fucking possible.

01:21:03Guest:Is it over?

01:21:04Guest:Yeah, it's over.

01:21:05Guest:Barry Katz is mad at him.

01:21:08Guest:Barry Katz is mad at you?

01:21:10Guest:Yeah, he's black-walled me.

01:21:13Guest:I moved to New York seven years ago.

01:21:16Guest:Remember what you were telling me backstage?

01:21:19Guest:My goal in life was to be the ultimate bad guy.

01:21:24Guest:You said that when we were drinking all night.

01:21:26Guest:We were all hopped up.

01:21:27Guest:He used to have a goatee.

01:21:29Guest:He's in my face going, you know what I want to be?

01:21:31Guest:The ultimate movie bad guy.

01:21:36Guest:Well, you know, you work with what you got.

01:21:40Guest:So yeah, so I've become like the king of the noir indies, okay?

01:21:45Guest:So like I've been a gangster, a retired hitman, a serial killer, a cult leader,

01:21:51Guest:Groundskeeper for Abandoned Mental Hospital.

01:21:55Guest:Yeah.

01:21:55Guest:Good.

01:21:56Guest:Yeah.

01:21:57Guest:And just recently, there's a Sonic the Hedgehog movie.

01:22:01Guest:Yeah.

01:22:02Guest:Jaleel White does the voice of Sonic.

01:22:04Guest:Yeah.

01:22:04Guest:I am Dr. Robotnik.

01:22:11Guest:Yes.

01:22:11Guest:Thank you.

01:22:11Guest:Yeah.

01:22:12Guest:Yes.

01:22:12Yes.

01:22:13Marc:You still got the Subaru Brat?

01:22:15Guest:No, she died in California.

01:22:17Guest:I felt bad.

01:22:18Guest:I had to put her down.

01:22:20Guest:She broke her back, literally.

01:22:22Guest:She had New England rust, and I was driving to Oregon, and she cracked in half.

01:22:26Guest:And I said, I brought her into a shop, this mechanic, I got towed, and I said, well, it's front-wheel drive, so can you just kind of cut it in half and put some shopping cart wheels on the back?

01:22:40Guest:No, that's not legal.

01:22:43Guest:I don't fucking care about legal.

01:22:44Guest:I just want to keep my car.

01:22:47Marc:Do you still play guitar?

01:22:49Guest:Oh, yeah.

01:22:50Guest:Once in a blue moon.

01:22:51Guest:Yeah.

01:22:52Guest:What the fuck?

01:22:54Guest:I know how to play guitar.

01:22:57Guest:It's like I know how to cook.

01:22:58Guest:Do you still eat?

01:23:05Marc:Do you miss doing stand-up?

01:23:06Guest:No, now it's special.

01:23:08Guest:I come back to see you guys once a couple, five times a year.

01:23:12Guest:I do Rick's Comedy Studio.

01:23:14Guest:I do some special show somewhere.

01:23:15Guest:So now it's fun.

01:23:16Guest:Now I want to fucking do it.

01:23:17Guest:I got so tired of listening to myself.

01:23:20Guest:And if you see in my act, I was listening to myself.

01:23:26Marc:That's fucking great.

01:23:27Marc:The acting thing's working out and you look great.

01:23:29Guest:Thank you, brother.

01:23:29Marc:And it's great to see you.

01:23:30Marc:DJ Hazard, ladies and gentlemen.

01:23:31Marc:Thank you, people.

01:23:32Marc:Teddy Bergeron, George McDonald, Rick Jenkins, Sue Costello, Dan Crone.

01:23:37Marc:Thank you for coming for live WTF.

01:23:40Marc:I hope you had a good time.

01:23:42Marc:We got to be out of here by midnight.

01:23:44Marc:I hope everybody feels good.

01:23:47Marc:Thank you for listening to the show.

01:23:49Marc:Good night, Boston.

01:23:49Marc:Kick on the music.

01:23:50Marc:Let's do it.

01:24:05.

01:24:21.

01:24:29Guest:Thank you.