Episode 40 - Dave Attell

Episode 40 • Released January 20, 2010 • Speakers detected

00:00:00Marc:Lock the gates!

00:00:07Guest 4:Are we doing this?

00:00:08Guest 4:Really?

00:00:08Guest 4:Wait for it.

00:00:09Guest 4:Are we doing this?

00:00:10Guest 4:Wait for it.

00:00:12Guest 4:Pow!

00:00:12Guest 4:What the fuck?

00:00:14Guest 4:And it's also... Eh, what the fuck?

00:00:16Guest 4:What's wrong with me?

00:00:17Guest 4:It's time for WTF!

00:00:19Guest 4:What the fuck?

00:00:20Guest 4:With Mark Maron.

00:00:27Marc:Okay, let's do this.

00:00:29Marc:Hold on a minute.

00:00:29Marc:Let me turn the heater off in my garage.

00:00:32Marc:Sorry, it's a little chilly out here, what the fuckers.

00:00:34Marc:What the fuck, buddies?

00:00:35Marc:Hope everybody's okay.

00:00:37Marc:I am in Los Angeles in the garage.

00:00:39Marc:Just got back from Seattle.

00:00:41Marc:We got the live show this Friday.

00:00:43Marc:If you are in the L.A.

00:00:44Marc:area.

00:00:45Marc:And you do want to come to see a live what the fuck taping.

00:00:48Marc:It's at the UCB, the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater here in Los Angeles.

00:00:53Marc:You can go to Los Angeles, UCB, T-H-E-A-T-R-E dot com.

00:01:00Marc:So it's Los Angeles dot UCB theater dot com and get reservations.

00:01:05Marc:It's at eight o'clock Friday night.

00:01:07Marc:Jeff Garland.

00:01:08Marc:Jimmy Pardo, who may be out of work as of that day.

00:01:12Marc:He's the warm-up guy for Conan.

00:01:15Marc:Kate Micucci, Jim Earl, and Eddie Pepitone.

00:01:18Marc:So come see that.

00:01:19Marc:I don't know if there's any tickets left, quite honestly, but check in with that.

00:01:24Marc:There's another thing I want to plug right up here up front because I did something last night.

00:01:28Marc:I put a lot of work in, and I might be dying because of it.

00:01:32Marc:That's what I'm going to tell you.

00:01:34Marc:How's that for a tease, my friends?

00:01:35Marc:Is that something?

00:01:37Marc:Look, I'm doing this Comedy Central pilot with Chelsea Peretti, who you met the other day.

00:01:43Marc:And that tapes next week.

00:01:44Marc:That tapes next Thursday.

00:01:46Marc:I'll give you that information a minute after I tell you what I did.

00:01:50Marc:Okay, part of the bit, part of the piece, part of the show that we're doing is there's sort of a correspondence piece.

00:01:57Marc:The show is called WTF.

00:01:59Marc:And I did a what the fuck correspondence piece.

00:02:04Marc:And as I talked about on this show before...

00:02:06Marc:I'm a little preoccupied with food in many different ways.

00:02:10Marc:And I'm horrified at the amount of food waste if I really think about it.

00:02:15Marc:It's not something a lot of people want to think about for some reason, but it's daunting to think about just how much food is thrown in the garbage in this country, in this world, on a day-to-day basis.

00:02:27Marc:It's just your average supermarket throws away like 1,200 pounds of food a day, edible food.

00:02:34Marc:So I get this idea to do a segment about that, and we contact a couple of people.

00:02:38Marc:They're called freegans.

00:02:40Marc:A freegan, these two, there's several of them.

00:02:42Marc:There was a movement of some kind.

00:02:44Marc:There still is a bit.

00:02:45Marc:It's somebody that lives on almost no money and shares everything, and they are very anti-consumer capitalism, and they believe that everybody should be provided for and everybody can be provided for if it wasn't for capitalism and consumerism.

00:02:59Marc:So they go dumpster diving.

00:03:01Marc:And they share the food with the people they live with.

00:03:03Marc:And they have a soup kitchen at the organization that they work in.

00:03:07Marc:And they sometimes use the food for that.

00:03:09Marc:But I decided I'd go with them.

00:03:12Marc:That was the idea.

00:03:13Marc:So we go out last night.

00:03:15Marc:Thank God it didn't rain.

00:03:16Marc:We're going to dumpsters.

00:03:17Marc:I'm suited up.

00:03:18Marc:These are nice people.

00:03:19Marc:Good, decent Christian people.

00:03:22Marc:So I'm suited up.

00:03:23Marc:Of course, I over suited up.

00:03:24Marc:I had waiters on and...

00:03:26Marc:But, you know, I'm in the can.

00:03:28Marc:We're finding all kinds of stuff.

00:03:29Marc:It was really disgusting.

00:03:31Marc:It wasn't disgusting being in the garbage.

00:03:33Marc:It wasn't disgusting going through the garbage.

00:03:36Marc:What was disgusting was how much unopened good food that we found.

00:03:42Marc:You know, crates of heavy cream, crates of orange juice, all sorts of dinners, bread, unopened.

00:03:49Marc:It was sad.

00:03:50Marc:I mean, it just gets thrown in the garbage.

00:03:53Marc:So here's what happens.

00:03:55Marc:and you'll probably get to see this if you come down to the pilot.

00:04:00Marc:I'm in the garbage, and I sort of, I don't know what I did, but I stepped, and it just rained, and I stepped in a way where this huge explosion of garbage water came right up into my face, into my face, into my nose, into my mouth, and into my eyes.

00:04:16Marc:Garbage water.

00:04:17Marc:What is more disgusting than garbage water?

00:04:20Marc:There's nothing more disgusting than that.

00:04:22Marc:I mean, I and it's all on tape.

00:04:26Marc:They captured it on tape right now.

00:04:28Marc:I could have God knows what crawling through my eyeballs into the back of my head.

00:04:33Marc:Staph infection, E. coli, conjunctivitis from cabbage.

00:04:38Marc:I don't know where it comes from.

00:04:39Marc:Some sort of garbage eye syndrome.

00:04:41Marc:I don't even know if I'll be able to do the show next week because I might have some sort of pussy, you know, gangrenous pain.

00:04:47Marc:you know, wound or boil some sort of gargantuan stye on my eye from taking the hit, doing a comedy bit.

00:04:58Marc:Wow.

00:04:59Marc:But, you know, quite honestly, I'm glad they got on tape.

00:05:01Marc:I am glad they got on tape.

00:05:03Marc:But that's just one of the things you can see.

00:05:05Marc:If you come to the Comedy Central stage at the Hudson Theater, it's on 6539 Santa Monica Boulevard.

00:05:11Marc:It's right at Hudson Street.

00:05:12Marc:It's, you know, Hudson between Highland and Vine.

00:05:16Marc:Yeah, right around there.

00:05:18Marc:But this is just for people who live in Los Angeles.

00:05:20Marc:It's next Thursday, the 28th, 7 p.m.

00:05:23Marc:Now, you got to call because they don't publicize this stuff.

00:05:27Marc:So 323-960-5519 for reservations.

00:05:33Marc:323-960-5519 for reservations.

00:05:37Marc:That's next week at the Comedy Central stage, my WTF Comedy Central pilot presentation at 7 p.m.

00:05:44Marc:Please come to that and come to the UCB this Friday, tomorrow, if you'd like to be part of that.

00:05:51Marc:You know, there's a lot of stuff to comment on.

00:05:53Marc:There's a lot of things to talk about.

00:05:55Marc:Yeah, I'm furious.

00:05:56Marc:You know, some of you guys know about my political views or my political side.

00:06:01Marc:All I wanted was a public option.

00:06:03Marc:That's all I wanted was was health care that was affordable for everyone, because to me, that is future thinking.

00:06:09Marc:That is foresight.

00:06:11Marc:That is having vision.

00:06:12Marc:Instead of selling out and getting people to defend insurance companies, everyone being covered would have changed the emotional, spiritual, and mental disposition of this country, not to mention the economy.

00:06:23Marc:But now we're not going to get it.

00:06:24Marc:And now...

00:06:25Marc:Ted Kennedy's Senate seat is a Republican.

00:06:28Marc:I am so disgusted and disappointed with Obama, with with with Democrats in general.

00:06:34Marc:And I'm not even paying that much attention to it because I don't have to, because it's not my job anymore to do that.

00:06:42Marc:But I'm just disgusted to the point where I'm literally like, you know what?

00:06:45Marc:We're going to get what we deserve.

00:06:46Marc:No one's fighting the good fight.

00:06:48Marc:Is there a good fight?

00:06:49Marc:Sure, there is.

00:06:49Marc:But why bother with it if we have Avatar?

00:06:52Marc:Why bother with it?

00:06:54Marc:And a lot of people were asking me to comment on the Conan Leno thing.

00:07:00Marc:Look, I think what we're seeing, by and large, even with the presidency, is that corporations don't give a fuck what you think.

00:07:08Marc:Corporations don't care.

00:07:09Marc:They don't care.

00:07:10Marc:They just look at their bottom line.

00:07:12Marc:Whatever your principles are or whoever you think you are, if it isn't in the main number of people that they're getting their money from, they don't care.

00:07:19Marc:They assume you'll get over it or die.

00:07:21Marc:They're just like, whatever.

00:07:23Marc:The numbers don't indicate that.

00:07:26Marc:The numbers don't indicate or else they'll try to dupe you into being one of the numbers that they can run money through.

00:07:32Marc:I mean, the thing that's scary about Conan and but obviously I'm not making a direct correlation between Conan and the president.

00:07:39Marc:But corporate occupation is corporate occupation.

00:07:41Marc:Corporations bend people to do what they want them to do.

00:07:45Marc:And corporations own the president and corporations own congressmen.

00:07:48Marc:Corporations own Conan.

00:07:50Marc:Corporations own just about everything.

00:07:52Marc:I'll tell you one thing.

00:07:53Marc:They don't own me right now.

00:07:54Marc:I granted the electric company right now.

00:07:57Marc:If it wasn't for the electric company, I couldn't do what I'm doing right now.

00:08:00Marc:But you get my gist.

00:08:02Marc:So they said that Conan didn't perform.

00:08:04Marc:And I quite honestly, what chance did he have following that Jay Leno mess?

00:08:09Marc:I believe that NBC kept Jay Leno there as a placeholder and they knew that this could happen.

00:08:14Marc:I always thought that Conan was up against a tremendous challenge for somebody of his sensibility.

00:08:20Marc:I knew that he couldn't bend his sensibility into what was expected in that spot.

00:08:25Marc:And NBC, it's weird at that level of show business, but it is just The Tonight Show.

00:08:31Marc:It's an important franchise, but it's just television.

00:08:34Marc:Zucker, the evil bastard, and NBC said, fuck it, we'll take the hit.

00:08:39Marc:Let's put Jay back.

00:08:40Marc:And Zucker today, or yesterday, said, look, people, this will blow over.

00:08:44Marc:that's corporate thinking.

00:08:46Marc:They realize that our memories, our short-term memories and our intention span has been so plundered and busted and shattered that we are all leveled to really the attention span of infants for the most part.

00:08:58Marc:This all happened through cell phone usage, computers, immediate gratification, the need to have things when we want them right now.

00:09:06Marc:And really it succeeded in making us all completely fucking infantile mentally.

00:09:11Marc:And things do blow over.

00:09:13Marc:Not only will this blow over, but I think this is the same thinking that you're seeing from the Obama administration.

00:09:19Marc:Just, you know, let's just pander to the middle.

00:09:22Marc:Let's just get as many people as we want.

00:09:23Marc:We'll disenfranchise all of the left.

00:09:26Marc:Most of the Democrats will placate Wall Street.

00:09:29Marc:We'll placate the insurance companies.

00:09:30Marc:And fuck it.

00:09:31Marc:If people are sick, let them die.

00:09:33Marc:If they're broke, they'll figure it out.

00:09:34Marc:They'll move to the streets.

00:09:35Marc:Now, what will happen is there'll be a fascistic backlash that we're never going to get out from under.

00:09:40Marc:Obviously, that's not the same with Conan.

00:09:43Marc:Did he have enough time to plant himself there?

00:09:45Marc:I think he probably had enough time to make an impact and for people to get to know him.

00:09:49Marc:Unfortunately, that time was tainted by the fact that the dinosaur Jay Leno was doing an hour before him and losing people.

00:09:58Marc:But their belief is that, you know, Conan's too weird.

00:10:01Marc:He's too awkward.

00:10:02Marc:He's too whatever for what we used to have in that time slot.

00:10:05Marc:So let's put the let's put the pablum guy back.

00:10:09Marc:Let's put the let's pander to the mediocre.

00:10:12Marc:Let's let's just try to get those numbers of those people back and fuck Conan, pay him 30 million dollars.

00:10:17Marc:It's worth 30 million dollars for them to pay him out.

00:10:21Marc:I feel bad for the people that had jobs there.

00:10:23Marc:I feel bad for Conan.

00:10:25Marc:I wish he had a better shot.

00:10:27Marc:I wish he had a clean shot.

00:10:29Marc:He didn't get a clean shot because they didn't have faith in him.

00:10:32Marc:And they set him up from the beginning.

00:10:34Marc:And as a selfish person, I really wanted to make my Tonight Show debut with my buddy Conan.

00:10:41Marc:That's not going to happen.

00:10:43Marc:But I think that one of the lessons to be learned is that, look, even when you think you got it all set, even when you think you're on easy street, I mean, shit, man, it can happen to anybody.

00:10:52Marc:A lot of people out of work.

00:10:54Marc:And I have no sympathy for Jay Leno.

00:10:56Marc:I mean, quite honestly, he's got a billion dollars.

00:10:59Marc:Just get out of the way.

00:11:00Marc:But I never liked him.

00:11:01Marc:I never understood it.

00:11:02Marc:I barely ever watched him.

00:11:03Marc:I never tried to get on that show.

00:11:05Marc:I've always been kind of loyal, which is...

00:11:08Marc:I don't know.

00:11:09Marc:It doesn't seem to make matter for much in this world these days.

00:11:13Marc:But, you know, Dave was my guy and Conan was my guy.

00:11:15Marc:And, you know, that was the way that was the way it was.

00:11:18Marc:Now I might have to try to get on Jimmy Kimmel because he sort of he resurrected himself in my book with that thing he did to Jay on Jay's show.

00:11:25Marc:I mean, that was about as funny as ever I've ever seen Jimmy.

00:11:28Marc:And he's always been a nice guy to me.

00:11:30Marc:But I don't know.

00:11:32Marc:Never liked Jay.

00:11:34Marc:Now he's back.

00:11:36Marc:Used to like Obama.

00:11:38Marc:Now I'm not so sure.

00:11:39Marc:Today I'm very excited to have interviewed my buddy David Tell.

00:11:47Marc:Now David Tell is one of these guys that I've known a long time.

00:11:52Marc:And he's a funny fucking guy.

00:11:55Marc:And there's no denying it.

00:11:58Marc:He's just plain funny.

00:12:01Marc:But I mean, the real challenge with Dave is what's underneath the funny.

00:12:04Marc:I've known him a long time.

00:12:06Marc:We have not had many conversations.

00:12:08Marc:He's very bright.

00:12:09Marc:He's very, you know, he's a very sensitive guy.

00:12:12Marc:He's you know, he's got a life like everybody else.

00:12:15Marc:But not many of us know about Dave's life.

00:12:16Marc:Dave was a guy be like, hey, what's up?

00:12:18Marc:OK, see you later.

00:12:19Marc:And then he's gone.

00:12:20Marc:And it was very hard to have a conversation with him.

00:12:23Marc:And I got to I got to be honest.

00:12:25Marc:There's no he'll he'll make you laugh every time.

00:12:28Marc:He makes me laugh every time effortlessly, which is a gift to me because I'm not that easy to laugh.

00:12:35Marc:I'm getting easier as I get older.

00:12:37Marc:But when I set this up a little bit, I knew he was going to be out here.

00:12:41Marc:So I reached out.

00:12:42Marc:I said, you want to do the podcast?

00:12:43Marc:He says, yeah, all right.

00:12:44Marc:You know, and now this I'm actually doing David Tell's text.

00:12:47Marc:OK, I'll be there.

00:12:50Marc:So.

00:12:50Marc:so i get in touch with him when he's out here and we go back and forth with texts a little bit he's like when and again i'm reading into the tone of his text and i tell him what day and then all of a sudden i get this text today we're supposed to do it are we doing it or what and i'm like i said what yeah i thought we were but i didn't hear back from he's like i texted you twice

00:13:11Marc:And, you know, I didn't get any text from him.

00:13:14Marc:And I like, I didn't get any.

00:13:15Marc:What do you want to do?

00:13:15Marc:Do you want to come out?

00:13:16Marc:He's like, I don't know.

00:13:17Marc:I don't have time now.

00:13:19Marc:So I'm like, fuck.

00:13:21Marc:I, you know, I got to, you know, so I call him and I say, look, I'll bring the rig.

00:13:26Marc:I'll bring my, you know, my on the road rig.

00:13:30Marc:Where are you staying?

00:13:31Marc:He's like, all right.

00:13:32Marc:So come, you know, but then he calls me back.

00:13:34Marc:He's like, I'm sorry.

00:13:35Marc:I texted the wrong person.

00:13:36Marc:You didn't get any text from me.

00:13:37Marc:and he says are we doing this i said well look we don't we don't we don't have to do it right now he goes i thought this was your job now so i'm like all right all right all right i'm coming i'm coming so i bring that i put the mics and the recorder in the car and i'm driving there and i'm like oh my god how is this going to last more than 10 minutes he's in a cranky mood how am i going to get through to him

00:14:00Marc:Because I've known him a long time, and it's not an easy conversation.

00:14:07Marc:So I met him at Mel's Diner, and we went outside to where he was staying in Hollywood.

00:14:13Marc:It was like three in the afternoon, and me and Attell are sitting out by the pool.

00:14:18Marc:He's got a pack of American Spirits, a chocolate chip cookie, a bag of Skittles that he gave to me, two large coffees, and it was really great.

00:14:29Marc:It's one of those things where it was like,

00:14:30Marc:It was great to get to know a guy I've known for as long as I've known him, which is some of the great stuff on this podcast is about that.

00:14:40Marc:I've known him.

00:14:42Marc:I've loved the guy for a long time, but we don't hang out.

00:14:46Marc:Dave's the kind of guy that just sort of disappears into the night.

00:14:50Marc:Where's Dave?

00:14:51Marc:I don't know.

00:14:51Marc:He was just here.

00:14:52Marc:Where does he go?

00:14:53Marc:No one knows where he goes.

00:14:54Marc:Well, for this hour coming up, I know where we were.

00:14:57Marc:We were sitting next to a pool during the day.

00:14:59Marc:So enjoy this interview with David Tell.

00:15:09Marc:Let's do it.

00:15:13Marc:I'm talking to David Teller at the hotel by the pool after I picked him up at Mel's Diner.

00:15:19Marc:And apparently I missed Dane Cook and Robert Kelly.

00:15:23Guest 1:Yeah, it was pretty cool because, you know, it was back...

00:15:25Guest 1:It was like old school comedy where we all, you know, have nothing to do during the day.

00:15:29Guest 1:We're hanging out, having a very long lunch, brunch.

00:15:33Guest 1:This is cool being poolside is the sounds of the city.

00:15:36Guest 1:Yeah.

00:15:36Guest 1:You know, like we're in like this little lot.

00:15:38Guest 1:I don't want to give away the hotel, but it's not the best Western.

00:15:42Marc:No, it's a little nice.

00:15:43Guest 1:I've never been in here.

00:15:43Marc:It's a little courtyard situation.

00:15:45Marc:It's nice, right?

00:15:46Marc:So wait, so you're sitting with Dane Cook and Bob Kelly.

00:15:48Marc:Yeah.

00:15:49Guest 1:Well, no, they just came over and said hello.

00:15:51Marc:Oh, they didn't bother you?

00:15:53Guest 1:No, I know Bobby really well, and I did a special with Dane.

00:15:58Marc:Yeah, I don't know Dane at all, and I've never gotten on board with the bitch about Dane Cook thing, but did he exude a certain amount of confidence and energy?

00:16:09Guest 1:He just looked like a guy coming from a brunch.

00:16:12Guest 1:I don't know what that means.

00:16:14Guest 1:He's been touring.

00:16:14Guest 1:He's been touring nonstop, so we always talk about touring.

00:16:21Guest 1:He does it at a different level, but touring is touring, whether you're in a private jet or in the back of a Trailways bus, still being away from friends and family.

00:16:31Guest 1:Does anybody do the Trailways bus anymore?

00:16:33Guest 1:They're trying to get me to take a bus from Vancouver to Edmonton.

00:16:38Guest 1:Yeah, something like that.

00:16:39Guest 1:I'm like, am I a folk singer?

00:16:41Guest 1:What is that?

00:16:42Guest 1:A bus?

00:16:44Guest 1:How can the bus be quicker than the train?

00:16:46Guest 1:I mean, I know Canada is a magical place, but doesn't train beat bus anywhere in the world?

00:16:51Guest 1:Can't you fly?

00:16:52Guest 1:I'm not going to fly anywhere.

00:16:54Guest 1:Fly 40 minutes with another three hours of vicious pat-downs?

00:16:58Guest 1:Yeah.

00:16:59Guest 1:Have you been on a plane lately?

00:17:01Guest 1:I mean, when was the last time you were on?

00:17:02Marc:Maybe a few weeks ago.

00:17:04Marc:It was long before whatever happened last week.

00:17:07Guest 1:Didn't you stop flying 9-11?

00:17:08Guest 1:No.

00:17:09Guest 1:By that, I mean 18 9-11.

00:17:10Guest 1:No.

00:17:12Guest 1:What?

00:17:12Guest 1:Is it bad now?

00:17:14Guest 1:It's horrible.

00:17:15Guest 1:What happened to you?

00:17:16Guest 1:No, it's not what happened to me.

00:17:18Guest 1:It takes a long time, and there's whatchamacallit, there's this mood in the air of just like, you're going to miss your flight, and you never miss your flight, and then you're on the...

00:17:30Guest 1:Yeah, then you're on the tarmac for two hours waiting.

00:17:34Marc:Are you uncomfortable with the x-ray of your balls thing?

00:17:37Marc:I mean, the naked pictures?

00:17:39Guest 1:Well, I don't know.

00:17:41Guest 1:They say that the guy who actually sees you naked is in another room.

00:17:43Guest 1:But when I walked through, they said, all right, have a good flight, Chode.

00:17:48Guest 1:And that's not good.

00:17:49Guest 1:That's an easy one.

00:17:51Guest 1:Sorry, everyone.

00:17:52Guest 1:That's an easy one.

00:17:54Marc:So, you know, I get a lot of guys who listen to this show that are kind of, you know, comedy.

00:17:58Marc:There are a lot of comics listening to this thing.

00:18:00Marc:Oh, yeah?

00:18:00Marc:And I've known you for probably 25 years.

00:18:03Marc:I think we've, right?

00:18:05Guest 1:I know, but that's funny how you're doing a show for comics.

00:18:08Marc:Well, no, they listen, you know, and they want to learn things.

00:18:12Marc:And I've known you like 25 years.

00:18:14Marc:I think the longest conversation we had was eight and a half minutes.

00:18:17Marc:So this is good.

00:18:19Marc:And not that we don't like each other.

00:18:20Guest 1:It's just, you know, at some point it just... I've always been a huge fan of yours.

00:18:23Marc:Well, I appreciate that.

00:18:24Marc:I have.

00:18:26Marc:Now, as many of you know, Attell is also the creator of the Attell rhythm and cadence that has been appropriated and utilized by many young comics.

00:18:37Guest 1:Does that affect you at all?

00:18:41Guest 1:I don't know.

00:18:41Guest 1:I mean, as my career slowly slides into oblivion, I guess in a way it's kind of endearing.

00:18:48Guest 1:Yeah.

00:18:48Guest 1:but they they might have my rhythm and cadence but they seem to back it up with a lot of street jokes and um yeah and whatever you know i'm always a fan of like a well-written joke but a lot of these guys uh seem to just kind of you know they just drive really put less time on the bong and more time on the on the notepad might help something now you do you want to what are you doing

00:19:11Guest 1:I'm just taking a sip of coffee.

00:19:13Guest 1:All right.

00:19:14Guest 1:I didn't know we had to hold it.

00:19:15Guest 1:This is like a Vegas lounge act where we have to hold the thing the whole time.

00:19:18Marc:Well, it's better.

00:19:19Marc:The sound quality is better.

00:19:21Marc:Yeah.

00:19:21Marc:Well, you're smoking and you go, well, have a hit of coffee.

00:19:24Marc:We can edit this thing.

00:19:26Guest 1:Okay.

00:19:26Guest 1:You're looking at, like, cringing because you're a one-man operation.

00:19:29Guest 1:Yeah.

00:19:30Marc:We can edit it.

00:19:31Marc:No, I could do it.

00:19:32Marc:I got another guy.

00:19:32Marc:I got a guy in New York who does it.

00:19:34Marc:We got two coffees.

00:19:34Marc:We got a pack of cigarettes.

00:19:36Marc:Got a fruit salad.

00:19:37Marc:You gave me a bag of Skittles.

00:19:39Marc:I think we're good.

00:19:40Marc:You got a cookie and a croissant.

00:19:44Guest 1:You got to back some of this stuff up with some pictures.

00:19:49Marc:Yeah, well, I'm not quite that advanced.

00:19:51Marc:Yeah.

00:19:51Marc:You're a compulsive joke writer.

00:19:54Guest 1:Yes.

00:19:56Marc:Now, when you write things down, like you have your notebook all the time, when you write them down, do you write in jokes?

00:20:00Marc:Do you think in jokes?

00:20:01Guest 1:Well, it's not so much the writing of the joke.

00:20:04Guest 1:It's the listening to them bomb and then trying to rewrite them

00:20:07Marc:No, I used to watch you years ago where you'd start with a joke, and then over about three or four nights, you'd deconstruct it nine times and drain all the funny out of it.

00:20:15Marc:It was quite an experience.

00:20:16Guest 1:You figure taking a joke and working it three different ways would translate well to TV writing.

00:20:21Guest 1:It doesn't.

00:20:22Guest 1:It translates to the producer guy going like, so what do you want to do?

00:20:28Guest 1:What is the idea now?

00:20:29Guest 1:It's like...

00:20:30Guest 1:No, I thought about it last night.

00:20:32Guest 1:We're going in the total wrong direction.

00:20:34Guest 1:We have to get a parrot.

00:20:35Guest 1:Don't ask me why.

00:20:36Guest 1:I mean, you know, if I was Spike Jones, that would make perfect sense.

00:20:38Guest 1:Right.

00:20:40Guest 3:But you're Dave Vittell.

00:20:41Guest 1:Yeah.

00:20:42Guest 1:Well, what's going on with your, do you feel like your draw isn't what it used to be?

00:20:46Guest 1:Well, rightfully so.

00:20:47Guest 1:You know, the more you get distant from your credits, like, you know, whether it's Comedy Central stuff or... I guess that's the only thing people know me from.

00:20:54Guest 1:But, you know, the further you get away from it, the less people come out.

00:20:58Guest 1:But I have to say the crowds are better now than they were way back when, you know, I was, like, on TV because there's not so many drunk frat guys.

00:21:06Guest 1:It's just, you know, there's a lot of people who, like, like comedy.

00:21:09Guest 1:And, like, your name comes up a lot when they go, like, people I like to watch and people...

00:21:12Guest 1:who they think are cool.

00:21:14Guest 1:And those people are great.

00:21:15Guest 1:Unfortunately, there's not thousands of them.

00:21:18Guest 1:You know, there's a couple of hundred.

00:21:19Guest 1:Right, I know, yeah.

00:21:20Guest 1:And that's, I guess, the ones that you do it for because I love doing comedy.

00:21:25Guest 1:I don't like any of the other parts of it, the promotion, the traveling, the, you know, all that kind of stuff.

00:21:32Guest 1:That sucks.

00:21:33Marc:Well, I think it must be like the fact that you built this huge army of, you know, drunken children.

00:21:40Marc:And I assume that... Yeah, they're old now.

00:21:41Marc:Yeah, that's what I mean, is that the ones that stuck with you are probably still coming out, and they're happy to see you.

00:21:45Guest 1:Well, it depends, because a lot of them know my skanks from the memories.

00:21:50Guest 1:It was the first CD I did, and that's like six years old.

00:21:53Guest 1:And I'm doing another CD.

00:21:54Guest 1:That's why I might do a special, but I think the CDs are where it's at for my kind of material.

00:22:01Guest 1:Because my material is very jokey.

00:22:02Guest 1:And I think people like to listen to my stuff in a car while they're getting wasted in a car.

00:22:07Guest 1:Or like wasted at a party or like, you know, just in a dorm room looking at the ceiling.

00:22:12Guest 1:So, you know, I think the CD is the way to go.

00:22:15Guest 1:And there's a lot of hour specials out there.

00:22:17Guest 1:I haven't done one.

00:22:19Guest 1:You've never done an hour special?

00:22:20Guest 1:No.

00:22:21Guest 1:Well, why don't you do one?

00:22:22Guest 1:Okay, I'll do one.

00:22:23Guest 1:You've got the audio.

00:22:24Guest 1:All you need is that little flip camera and you're ready to rock.

00:22:27Guest 1:I get it.

00:22:27Guest 1:Have you seen some of these specials?

00:22:28Guest 1:They're shot by really supposedly big-name director people, and they look like they're birthday party video, man.

00:22:37Marc:Yeah, I had a guy approach me.

00:22:38Marc:I'm going to go do a set at the Ha Ha Cafe tonight in the Valley, and some guy approached me there.

00:22:44Marc:He says, look, we can do a three-camera shoot.

00:22:47Marc:See?

00:22:47Marc:Crane shot right over the salad bar.

00:22:49Marc:Yeah, it's perfect.

00:22:52Marc:We just got to get the guy to turn the TV off during the set.

00:22:55Marc:Do you play clubs anymore?

00:22:56Marc:No.

00:22:56Guest 1:I mean, I play clubs mostly.

00:22:58Guest 1:And that was the thing that, you know, I kept doing continuously.

00:23:02Guest 1:I do some theater shows, but I'm not really a good theater act.

00:23:05Guest 1:I really, you know.

00:23:06Guest 1:Why?

00:23:07Guest 1:We could talk about it for hours.

00:23:08Guest 1:Because good theater acts bring the crowd to them.

00:23:11Guest 1:And I always still feel this need to, like, throw energy at the crowd.

00:23:14Guest 1:Right.

00:23:15Guest 1:And that just looks, you know, stupid, I think.

00:23:17Marc:But.

00:23:18Marc:You mean, like, you mean, like, take the stage and just, you know, let the crowd come to them and you just keep pushing.

00:23:23Guest 1:Yeah, like, believe in what you're saying and not use your comedy club skills of, like, you know, working the crowd and all that kind of stuff.

00:23:29Guest 1:And when you're in the theater, you got to really kind of, you got to commit.

00:23:33Guest 1:And, like, the great comics, the ones who have, like, something to say, whether it's political or they got talking about, like, Louis with his family.

00:23:40Guest 1:Yeah.

00:23:40Guest 1:You know, some of these other people.

00:23:41Guest 1:It's very difficult to just tell joke after joke after joke in a theater because people are like, okay, well, if I don't get this one, I'll just tune back in on the next one, you know?

00:23:50Marc:Or else you've got to give a little more time.

00:23:53Guest 1:True, yeah.

00:23:53Marc:And your pace is very rapid.

00:23:56Marc:You're like a joke machine.

00:23:57Guest 1:Yeah, I slow down a little bit thanks to the stroke.

00:24:00Guest 1:No, but I agree with you on that.

00:24:03Guest 1:Now, you're more of a theater act than I am, you know?

00:24:05Marc:Sure.

00:24:06Marc:My issue is really just, you know, getting people to the theater.

00:24:09Yeah.

00:24:09Guest 1:Yeah, I think you have a disconnect with your audience.

00:24:13Marc:Yeah, I'm using this right now as we speak to connect with my audience.

00:24:17Guest 1:Well, I think that's great that you take time out of your schedule to do it.

00:24:20Guest 1:My busy schedule.

00:24:22Guest 1:Here we are sitting in the hotel you own.

00:24:24Guest 1:Trying to get work.

00:24:25Guest 1:The good thing about this hotel, and we're not going to say which one it is, but I've stayed at the Roosevelt Hotel.

00:24:31Guest 1:I've stayed at the Standard.

00:24:33Guest 1:They have a pool, but it's not a pool like this.

00:24:35Guest 1:This is a great pool for swimming.

00:24:37Guest 1:Maybe you can do some fake diving, like pretend you're underwater.

00:24:42Guest 1:Their pool is very shallow, and you're just supposed to tan around it.

00:24:46Guest 1:It's also like a dance club pool.

00:24:48Guest 1:Yeah.

00:24:48Marc:You go to the Roosevelt.

00:24:49Marc:I don't know about the Roosevelt, but the standard's like some sort of weird clusterfuck.

00:24:53Guest 1:Well, I'm way too old.

00:24:54Guest 1:I'm too old and too ugly to be in that hotel.

00:24:57Guest 1:Like the standard, you have to have a good looking, you have to have some kind of modeling experience.

00:25:02Marc:And you should always be hanging with someone who has an English accent or a Swedish accent.

00:25:05Guest 1:Yeah, there's a lot of Anglo people over there.

00:25:08Guest 1:And they're not all comics, because I thought every Englishman in America was a comic.

00:25:12Guest 1:No.

00:25:13Guest 1:Do you go to England?

00:25:14Guest 1:No, I haven't been there in a long time.

00:25:16Guest 1:I was going to set up a run over there.

00:25:19Guest 1:That's like where you do theater shows.

00:25:20Guest 1:But, you know, like I said, like most of the flying I do now is like for the USO.

00:25:24Guest 1:Like I'll go to Iraq, but I wouldn't go to England.

00:25:27Guest 1:I'd like to go to England.

00:25:28Marc:What are those shows like?

00:25:29Marc:Who do you go with usually?

00:25:30Marc:I mean, who's on the show?

00:25:31Guest 1:Well, the last one I did was a bigger show because I got to fly on Air Force Two.

00:25:35Guest 1:Really?

00:25:35Guest 1:That's like Air Force One, but not as good.

00:25:37Guest 1:Really?

00:25:38Guest 1:Yeah, because it was the chairman of the Joint Chiefs.

00:25:42Guest 1:So he controls the whole military, and he's a cool dude.

00:25:45Guest 1:His name's Mike Mullen.

00:25:47Guest 1:And he does a holiday tour every year, and it was me, Billy Ray Cyrus, and Anna Kornikova, and Anna Kornikova's 80-year-old coach, who was a tennis guy, but he does inspirational speaking, which I don't know if they really need it once they're there.

00:26:02Guest 1:Once you're a Marine?

00:26:04Guest 1:Yeah, he was an ex-paratrooper, but he was saying stuff like, you know...

00:26:07Guest 1:I don't want to die.

00:26:08Guest 1:You don't want to die.

00:26:09Guest 1:So when, you know, keep your eye on the ball.

00:26:12Guest 1:And, you know, I was thinking like, you know, they could have gotten like the winner of the biggest loser would have probably connected more with these kids.

00:26:18Guest 1:You know, like I was fat.

00:26:20Guest 1:Now I'm thin.

00:26:20Guest 1:Now do the same thing to those Taliban.

00:26:24Guest 1:But did they have a Bob Hope kind of hosty person?

00:26:27Guest 1:Yeah, I got to banter it out with her, you know, with Anna.

00:26:30Guest 1:Who hosted it?

00:26:31Guest 1:I was hosting it.

00:26:31Guest 1:Oh, you hosted it.

00:26:32Guest 1:Yeah, and they would bring me out.

00:26:33Guest 1:And, you know, like a lot of guys know me from back then.

00:26:35Guest 1:And here's the weird thing about this whole war that we have.

00:26:39Guest 1:Our troops keep going over and over and over.

00:26:41Guest 1:And I've been over there a couple times.

00:26:43Guest 1:So guys will come up to me and go, like, I saw you here in 04.

00:26:47Guest 1:I saw you here in 07.

00:26:49Guest 1:And I'm like, oh, my God.

00:26:50Guest 1:Like, you know, you want to do new material, especially when you guys hold a machine gun.

00:26:54Marc:You really get repeat crowds three years later?

00:26:57Guest 1:And then some of them will go like, you know, I'm in the National Guard.

00:26:59Guest 1:By the way, the National Guard guys really deserve a lot of credit because they're the ones who like have a real job.

00:27:05Guest 1:You know, like they have a job back in the States and they get called up.

00:27:07Guest 1:And then they have to go away for 16.

00:27:09Guest 1:No, that's that's not true.

00:27:11Guest 1:You are such a do you know, we have an army here.

00:27:13Guest 1:All right.

00:27:14Guest 1:You're like a... All right.

00:27:16Guest 1:Go ahead.

00:27:16Guest 1:Bring it.

00:27:16Guest 1:That summer in Israel didn't toughen you up, did it?

00:27:18Marc:No, I didn't do a summer in Israel.

00:27:19Guest 1:Maybe that's the problem with your whole life.

00:27:21Guest 1:What, with me?

00:27:23Guest 1:You never did that summer in Israel.

00:27:24Guest 1:The kibbutz?

00:27:25Guest 1:Yeah.

00:27:25Guest 1:Did you?

00:27:26Guest 1:You should have went over there with a girlfriend and watched her slowly get fucked by every guy named Doody and Yanni in the country.

00:27:32Guest 1:I mean, that's a curse on your blog.

00:27:35Guest 1:Of course.

00:27:36Guest 1:Is this family friendly?

00:27:36Guest 1:What's the rating on this?

00:27:38Guest 1:Explicit.

00:27:39Guest 1:Is it like a video game?

00:27:40Marc:I get a lot of 14-year-olds listening to it.

00:27:42Marc:I get a certain type of kind of disturbed, cynical 14-year-olds that write me emails thanking me for letting them be assholes.

00:27:49Guest 1:Well, you know, changing lives every day.

00:27:51Guest 1:Here's the problem with with guys like us.

00:27:54Guest 1:We for every bad idea we have.

00:27:55Guest 1:Yeah, we might have.

00:27:57Guest 1:OK, for every hundred bad ideas we have, we have one good idea.

00:27:59Guest 1:Like your good idea was that Jerusalem syndrome syndrome.

00:28:02Guest 1:Right.

00:28:02Guest 1:Yeah.

00:28:02Guest 1:Because then you see like the Bill Moore thing.

00:28:05Guest 1:Right.

00:28:05Guest 1:You know, he did a movie about the Middle East and everything like that.

00:28:07Guest 1:Now, I saw his thing and I read your thing and I think your thing was cool.

00:28:11Guest 1:Right.

00:28:12Guest 1:Because it was a different take on it.

00:28:13Guest 1:And like, especially now with like the Middle East and religion and all that kind of stuff.

00:28:18Guest 1:I thought that was a great kind of like religion.

00:28:20Guest 1:Who gives a shit?

00:28:21Guest 1:Right.

00:28:21Guest 1:You know, like, is there any answers?

00:28:22Guest 1:Right.

00:28:23Guest 1:We're all looking for answers.

00:28:24Guest 1:Right.

00:28:24Guest 1:So I thought that was a cooler thing than the whole, you know, like.

00:28:26Marc:He seemed to make a lot more money than I did.

00:28:28Marc:Yeah.

00:28:28Marc:I'd like to have one of those good ideas where I make a million dollars.

00:28:32Guest 1:Well, you know, the guy who invented Gumby died.

00:28:34Guest 1:Yeah.

00:28:35Guest 1:And I watched his documentary on the Sundance channel.

00:28:38Guest 1:That was me watching that.

00:28:40Guest 1:And he created this thing.

00:28:43Guest 1:He grew up, you know, in a sad... He was like an orphan.

00:28:46Guest 1:You remember those times when white kids were orphans?

00:28:49Guest 1:Yeah.

00:28:50Guest 1:Like that type of depression era.

00:28:51Guest 1:The depression, the dust ball orphans.

00:28:53Guest 1:Yeah, like when white kids, for some reason, didn't have families.

00:28:55Guest 1:Yeah.

00:28:55Guest 1:And he created this thing out of loneliness.

00:28:59Guest 1:And he's immediately like once it hit, he like tripped out.

00:29:02Guest 1:He like discovered LSD, left his family and like, you know, went to find himself was sitting in India, you know, cross legged doing the whole like, you know, hippie experience.

00:29:12Guest 1:Yeah.

00:29:12Guest 1:And this thing became a huge hit.

00:29:14Guest 1:And then, you know.

00:29:15Guest 1:he uh was gumby yeah yeah and then it went down and then went up and you know he was selling gumby's at a flea market him and his like third wife and it became a hit again it became like a late night like college thing to check out gumby uh movies and you know that might be your thing man you never know you're saying out of my loneliness and pain i have to create something like a plastic or claymation yeah i know yeah i didn't really give you the answer i just gave you an example what's your big idea

00:29:41Guest 1:I don't know, man.

00:29:42Guest 1:I think of a lot of great ideas, but nobody seems to get them until they're already on television.

00:29:48Guest 1:A la Dirty Jobs.

00:29:50Guest 1:Was that your idea?

00:29:51Guest 1:Well, I always said that, like, I used to do jobs on my show, and I said, would it be great if we just did a show of jobs, of really cool third shift jobs?

00:29:58Guest 1:I was like, no, that will never work.

00:30:00Guest 1:And then there's like every other show is like, you know, Axemen, Ice Road Truckers, you know, real dudes, GEDs and meth.

00:30:07Guest 1:You know, I got a GED and a meth problem.

00:30:09Guest 1:Check out what I do.

00:30:11Guest 1:A family of chopper makers.

00:30:16Guest 1:Who thought that would fucking succeed?

00:30:18Guest 1:I don't know.

00:30:19Guest 1:But Steve Segal is out there right now.

00:30:21Guest 1:He's probably close by here.

00:30:22Guest 1:Oh, yeah.

00:30:23Guest 1:Is this his hood?

00:30:23Guest 1:Is this what he does?

00:30:24Guest 1:I assume so.

00:30:25Guest 1:They're all around.

00:30:26Guest 1:Does he use a gun or does he use his non-offensive Aikido to subdue these crackheads?

00:30:33Guest 1:I think he uses the gun and both.

00:30:35Guest 1:A little of both.

00:30:36Guest 1:All right.

00:30:36Guest 1:Let's stick to a topic now.

00:30:38Guest 1:How come you don't have that hour out there yet?

00:30:39Marc:Oh, because, well, I mean, I've talked to people about producing it.

00:30:43Marc:It's a matter of like, you know, you got to get the money to produce it.

00:30:45Marc:And then, you know, you got to hope someone wants to buy it.

00:30:48Marc:I mean, if this Comedy Central thing goes, I'll do an hour.

00:30:51Marc:That's what it takes.

00:30:52Guest 1:What if no one buys it?

00:30:52Guest 1:Would you put it on Netflix?

00:30:54Guest 1:Would you put it on iTunes?

00:30:55Guest 1:See, you got to think that way.

00:30:57Guest 1:And just sell it that way?

00:30:58Guest 1:Can you sell it that way?

00:30:59Guest 1:Yeah.

00:31:00Guest 1:You won't get the initial big check, but you'll get the slow trickle of returns.

00:31:04Marc:I put an hour on Vimeo, which is like YouTube, and people watch it.

00:31:07Marc:It was just like one camera.

00:31:09Guest 1:Is that Italian YouTube?

00:31:10Guest 1:Vimeo?

00:31:12Guest 1:Is that a Yugoslav knockoff?

00:31:13Marc:I just put it out there for nothing.

00:31:15Marc:I got to quit putting stuff out there for nothing.

00:31:16Marc:Does that bother you?

00:31:17Marc:Do people shoot your shit and then put it?

00:31:19Guest 1:Yes.

00:31:19Guest 1:It does?

00:31:20Guest 1:Well, they YouTube it all the time, but here's the problem with the YouTubing is that

00:31:25Guest 1:I think Patton Oswalt said it best.

00:31:28Guest 1:The joke isn't done yet, so you're kind of YouTubing.

00:31:32Guest 1:You're putting up an unfinished product, so you're not really stealing anything.

00:31:35Guest 1:If anything, you're just making it harder to complete it.

00:31:38Marc:But I've done that on Conan.

00:31:39Marc:I've done half-baked bits on Conan on panel that became jokes later, that became bigger jokes.

00:31:45Marc:It doesn't happen to me that much, so I don't get that pissed off about it.

00:31:49Marc:I've not seen a lot of my stuff on YouTube.

00:31:51Guest 1:I figured a guy like you would be all over YouTube.

00:31:54Guest 1:You do a lot of alternative shows.

00:31:56Guest 1:Don't they do that?

00:31:57Marc:I don't do a lot of alternative shows.

00:32:00Marc:I show up occasionally, and they treat me like some sort of strange relic.

00:32:06Guest 1:Yeah, you really are...

00:32:08Marc:I'm a singular force.

00:32:10Guest 1:I always say that you were right there when it happened, that whole alternative movement.

00:32:14Marc:Yeah, I'm credited with helping it.

00:32:16Guest 1:Yeah, and now you're too real and I'd say... Bitter might be the word, but more real and just... Grown up.

00:32:26Guest 1:Yeah, it's not like the silly, fun...

00:32:29Guest 1:Yeah, I don't know what that is.

00:32:30Guest 1:Alternative of today, the silliness.

00:32:31Marc:I can't even watch it.

00:32:32Marc:I mean, I don't know what your experience is in sitting in comedy clubs, but I can literally sit in a comedy club for two hours with my eyes closed and not tell the difference between most people.

00:32:40Marc:And then when somebody gets up there that's a real person, it's good.

00:32:43Marc:I don't understand all the silly shit.

00:32:44Marc:I wish I could be more silly.

00:32:46Marc:Like, I would never think of Gumby.

00:32:48Guest 1:Yeah, you know, well, take the gun out of your mouth and let's keep this going.

00:32:52Marc:But, you know, it's not about Gumby.

00:32:55Marc:Yeah, it's amazing to me when you go to an alternative room and you see a regular comic go up or just a hacky comic, they are all excited as hell, and it just kills.

00:33:02Guest 1:Oh, I never kill in front of those.

00:33:03Guest 1:They always just look at me nodding like, mm, so that's it.

00:33:05Guest 1:Why are you mad, old man?

00:33:07Marc:What's the matter, old man?

00:33:08Guest 1:Yeah, exactly.

00:33:09Guest 1:Yeah.

00:33:09Guest 1:But I was always an old man.

00:33:11Guest 1:I was a young old man.

00:33:12Guest 1:And I have to tell you that writing jokes over and over and over, it really does destroy you.

00:33:17Guest 1:Because, like, here I am 20-something years into comedy.

00:33:22Guest 1:And, like, I finally got another midget bit.

00:33:25Guest 1:And I was excited.

00:33:26Guest 1:And, like, who can you tell that to when you're surrounded by midgets?

00:33:29Marc:I remember you always used to come up to me.

00:33:31Marc:There was, like, specific sort of themes and topics that you would do.

00:33:33Marc:And you'd always ask me, like, what time you came up to me.

00:33:35Marc:Like, do you do anything about jerking off on the Bible?

00:33:39Guest 1:Well, I assume that you're, you know, there's people that I respect that I think are joke writers.

00:33:46Guest 1:And I'm like, hey, I'm going to ask this guy because I don't want to jack anybody else's bit.

00:33:50Marc:You're jerking off on the Bible bit.

00:33:52Marc:Did that ever turn into anything?

00:33:53Marc:No, it didn't.

00:33:54Guest 1:Some of the bits I don't have the balls to do.

00:33:56Guest 1:I lost ideas.

00:33:57Guest 1:That's a good one.

00:33:58Guest 1:Yeah.

00:33:59Guest 3:What was the bit?

00:34:00Guest 1:I don't know.

00:34:00Guest 1:But that's like I have a lot of I tried to be like the religious guy, you know, like I always come up like one or two religious jokes.

00:34:07Guest 1:But I feel like it's kind of overdone now.

00:34:09Marc:You know, do you remember when you were younger and we were all trying to figure out who the fuck we were?

00:34:13Marc:And, you know, you would there was like a like two or three week period where I think you went on stage as some sort of coach or something.

00:34:19Guest 1:Or you would do characters occasionally, but they were really just you.

00:34:24Guest 1:I do mostly my dad on stage.

00:34:27Guest 1:I used to work for my dad.

00:34:29Guest 1:What did he do?

00:34:30Marc:Work where?

00:34:31Guest 1:My parents had a bridal dress tuxedo rental shop.

00:34:35Guest 1:And I worked there from the time I was like 16 until I was, I guess, 19.

00:34:41Guest 1:Which is, I guess, slave, underage, whatever, right?

00:34:44Guest 1:No, I guess not 16.

00:34:45Guest 1:Right.

00:34:45Marc:What was your job there?

00:34:46Marc:Like getting the shoes?

00:34:48Guest 1:I cleaned the store.

00:34:49Guest 1:I was head of shipping and receiving.

00:34:51Guest 1:I sold shoes.

00:34:51Marc:You were head of shipping and receiving?

00:34:53Guest 1:Yeah, it was me and my grandpa.

00:34:54Guest 1:So I was his boss.

00:34:55Guest 1:And my dad used to, the way he used to talk to me, I do that on stage as my control voice.

00:35:01Guest 1:Yeah.

00:35:02Guest 1:Which helps me.

00:35:03Guest 3:What is that voice?

00:35:04Guest 1:You know, the sarcastic, whatchamacallit, biting, cutting dude.

00:35:09Guest 1:Yeah, yeah.

00:35:10Guest 1:It works.

00:35:11Guest 1:It definitely works.

00:35:11Guest 1:Because I realized that's how men talk.

00:35:13Guest 1:Yeah.

00:35:14Guest 1:My dad was a man, and that's how men talked.

00:35:16Guest 1:And they didn't give, you know, they would do things.

00:35:18Guest 1:Like, I one time saw my dad with diabetes, full-blown, you know, like diabetes, lift diabetes.

00:35:24Guest 1:like 150 pound cash register like one of these old cash registers just by himself and I was the guy who was like working out you know back then I you know every kid in Long Island lifted weights and practiced karate I couldn't lift it and he like just fucking lifted it put it over there lit a cigar and said like okay what next what do we have to do next and I'm like only a man can do that because he knew it had to be done

00:35:45Marc:What was that thing you said?

00:35:46Marc:I remember moments that you say because they strike me as very funny.

00:35:51Marc:They're good.

00:35:52Marc:And some of them are not too painful.

00:35:55Marc:One time I was in front of Stand Up New York and I just got that 93 Honda that I had.

00:35:59Marc:And I said that I got it from my dad.

00:36:02Marc:There's 150,000 vials on it.

00:36:04Marc:And he said, wow, that's a lot of running away.

00:36:06Guest 2:Yeah.

00:36:09Guest 1:Yeah, your dad was a very John Updike type, wasn't he?

00:36:13Marc:Finding himself.

00:36:14Marc:Yeah, I don't know.

00:36:15Marc:He was fighting some sort of fight.

00:36:17Marc:He's still fighting it.

00:36:18Guest 1:My dad always said to me, he goes, you know, I would smoke pot if it was legal because he's like a Korean War guy.

00:36:23Guest 1:Yeah.

00:36:24Guest 1:But he goes, yeah, I would have smoked pot.

00:36:25Guest 1:And like, you know, all those guys like my dad, they always felt like they dodged the bullet because they were too young for World War II.

00:36:31Guest 1:Right.

00:36:32Guest 1:You know, you're thinking, like, World War II, everybody, like, came home a hero, but they were, like, grew up during it, and they saw the guys who died, and, you know... And the guys who came home all fucked up.

00:36:39Guest 1:Yeah, all fucked up.

00:36:39Guest 1:Like, you don't really hear about those guys, you know?

00:36:41Marc:But every war has those guys.

00:36:43Guest 1:Yeah, well, like, the wars that we have... Like, I've been to the...

00:36:46Guest 1:the hospitals for the troops.

00:36:48Guest 1:And this is a, I told this on other things, but I might as well tell you the whole thing.

00:36:52Guest 1:You go to Walter Reed and you, uh, which is where they bring them after they go to Germany, the troops that are wounded.

00:36:58Guest 1:And like, you see a lot of guys going through vicious hardcore rehab that they've lost arms and legs.

00:37:03Guest 1:And they've got a dog there, which I thought was like a seeing eye dog, but he's really just there to kind of be their friend.

00:37:08Guest 1:And like, you know, when they're feeling down, he can sense it and I'll come over to them and like they'll use him to lean, you know, to stand up and to start doing their exercises and walk.

00:37:17Guest 1:So he's like a friend.

00:37:19Guest 1:And my joke is that I went to the hospital and this dog that can sense pain would follow me around the whole thing.

00:37:25Guest 1:This guy's there with no legs.

00:37:27Guest 1:He's like, no, they're going to make it.

00:37:29Guest 1:This guy, I don't know.

00:37:31Guest 1:But yeah, it's an amazing thing what they go through.

00:37:35Guest 1:But the psychological and emotional stuff, we'll only know years from now the real toll of what's going on now.

00:37:44Marc:Absolutely.

00:37:44Marc:Well, that's good that you do that stuff.

00:37:46Marc:I've always wondered what it would be like for me to do it, but I never get asked to do it.

00:37:49Guest 1:Well, you know, let me tell you, it's a hard show because you've got to keep it kind of clean, but they want it kind of dirty.

00:37:55Guest 1:Right.

00:37:55Guest 1:There's a lot of things you don't want to talk about.

00:37:56Guest 1:You don't want to talk about family stuff because they all miss their families.

00:37:59Guest 1:You don't want to talk about, like, you know, like politics because, you know, that's the last thing they want to hear about.

00:38:04Guest 1:Right.

00:38:04Guest 1:So there's a lot of no's in those kind of shows.

00:38:08Guest 1:But, you know, stick to the drinking and the porn stuff, if you can say it.

00:38:11Guest 1:But they don't really, you know, like today's military, it's very, you know, there's a lot of women.

00:38:16Guest 1:There's a lot of, you know, it's not like...

00:38:19Guest 1:It's not like, you know, just like dudes are there.

00:38:22Guest 1:You know, you got to like.

00:38:22Marc:And they're also there because, you know, it's a job.

00:38:25Marc:I mean, the guys I talk to and the emails I get from guys are like, look, you know, I joined because I needed the money.

00:38:31Marc:I needed the job.

00:38:32Marc:A lot of them do.

00:38:33Marc:Yeah.

00:38:33Marc:That there's not that sort of weird or not weird, but there's not that national pride like your dad.

00:38:38Marc:The Korean War.

00:38:39Marc:I mean, that was a big fucking war.

00:38:41Marc:I just read the last new Philip Roth book.

00:38:42Marc:That was a messy, shitty war.

00:38:44Guest 1:Yeah, it never got the props that it deserved.

00:38:45Guest 1:Because it was a real, you know who was called up for the Korean War?

00:38:49Guest 1:Ed McMahon, because he was in the reserves.

00:38:51Guest 1:He was tail end of World War II, and then they called him up for that.

00:38:54Guest 1:And he was a pilot.

00:38:56Guest 1:And Ted Williams also was a pilot.

00:38:58Guest 1:The baseball player?

00:38:58Guest 1:Yeah.

00:38:59Guest 1:So you don't see much of that now.

00:39:00Marc:George Bush Sr., I think, as well.

00:39:02Marc:But I think that was World War II.

00:39:03Guest 1:No, no, he was in World War II.

00:39:03Guest 1:He was the youngest pilot in the Navy.

00:39:06Guest 1:I know a lot of stuff from the History Channel.

00:39:09Guest 1:There's a great tape of George Bush Sr.

00:39:11Guest 1:being rescued by a submarine.

00:39:13Guest 1:Right, yeah.

00:39:13Guest 1:And he said, I can't believe I made it.

00:39:16Guest 1:I'm going to one day go home and have a son who's going to fuck all this up.

00:39:23Guest 1:Yeah, now you're not a political comic, are you?

00:39:25Marc:I did a lot of politics.

00:39:27Marc:I think I'm more of a social commentator.

00:39:29Guest 1:Oh, that's good.

00:39:29Marc:Because like now with the podcast, I couldn't be more happy to just talk about what's on my mind and not talk about, you know, politics every day because it took a lot of work to stay up to date.

00:39:40Marc:I'm not sure it did me any good.

00:39:41Marc:I mean, I like knowing about it and I got very involved with it.

00:39:44Marc:But I think that when you go to clubs and stuff like the Air America thing.

00:39:48Marc:even if they're on your side, they're like, I don't know, he's going to separate the audience.

00:39:51Marc:It just means that half the people, in their mind, half the people aren't going to like you.

00:39:57Guest 1:Yeah, well, the Air America crowd must have been very, you'd have to be really on your toes because they're like very politicized.

00:40:04Marc:Yeah, I can't, like, I found myself, you know, because there's a lot of things that, it's not that I'm not liberal, it's just there's a lot of things that, you know, that I'm not completely party line with, you know.

00:40:16Marc:Oh, yeah.

00:40:18Guest 1:You don't talk about politics, though.

00:40:19Guest 1:I talk about the general stuff that you see, like, on the CNN banners, like health care.

00:40:24Guest 1:Right.

00:40:25Guest 1:And I'll, like, say, we need health care, you know, but I'm not, like, into the minutia of it.

00:40:29Guest 1:Is that the whole joke?

00:40:31Guest 1:So far, you know, like I said, I work them out.

00:40:35Guest 1:I'm pro health care.

00:40:37Guest 1:That's as far as I got.

00:40:38Guest 1:Then I got sleepy.

00:40:40Guest 1:But we've all, like, you know, like, I've seen really, really good political comics.

00:40:47Guest 1:Guys who were doing it before politics became, like, really cool to do.

00:40:51Guest 1:Right.

00:40:51Guest 1:And those are the ones, like, Louis Black and people like that.

00:40:53Guest 1:Those are the guys who are really good at it.

00:40:55Marc:But even him, he's, like...

00:40:56Marc:He speaks from the point of view of a like a pissed off guy.

00:40:59Marc:Like he makes it political.

00:41:00Marc:And I think Bill Maher is the guy because he's basically an all joke guy.

00:41:04Marc:He's definitely got a point of view and it's definitely to the left.

00:41:08Marc:But he's also pretty much of a dude's dude.

00:41:10Marc:You know, he's not.

00:41:11Guest 1:Yeah, he's a he's a bachelor.

00:41:13Guest 1:Yeah.

00:41:13Guest 1:Like a playboy.

00:41:15Guest 1:Yeah, he's a cad.

00:41:16Guest 1:But that's Hollywood for you, you know.

00:41:18Guest 1:I think that's what a middle America, like the Republicans always say, that's Hollywood talking.

00:41:25Guest 1:That's not middle America talking.

00:41:27Marc:Yeah, I don't know.

00:41:27Marc:I think a middle America sometimes, it's not so much that they're stupid.

00:41:31Marc:They just get a lot of shitty information and they're mad.

00:41:34Guest 1:Well, they love it when a guy really can dumb it down.

00:41:39Guest 1:Sure, keep it simple.

00:41:41Guest 1:It's never your fault.

00:41:42Guest 1:It's this.

00:41:43Marc:Yeah, it's that other guy's.

00:41:44Guest 1:See, I don't believe the government can do anything.

00:41:46Guest 1:It can't even do anything right, like kill the right people, like on death row, or protect people from this and that.

00:41:53Guest 1:It just...

00:41:56Guest 1:It's amazing.

00:41:57Guest 1:It's like I know I'm on my own.

00:41:59Guest 1:I can deal with it.

00:42:00Guest 1:That's right.

00:42:01Marc:Yeah, I think that's true for everybody.

00:42:03Marc:It's sad, but it's true.

00:42:03Guest 1:Well, I don't know.

00:42:04Guest 1:A lot of people think the government's going to save them from shit, and I don't think it's going to happen.

00:42:07Marc:Well, I've realized that you're not going to be saved from anything.

00:42:09Marc:All you've got to do is call customer service once or twice, and you realize, like, no one's going to help me.

00:42:17Guest 1:Yes.

00:42:19Guest 1:You've been to Best Buy.

00:42:20Guest 1:I mean, none of them really care about you.

00:42:22Guest 1:No one cares about anything.

00:42:24Guest 1:Yeah, I guess you're right about that.

00:42:25Guest 1:And, you know, now with the Olympics coming.

00:42:28Guest 1:That'll change everything.

00:42:29Guest 1:See, that's something that I've always tried to have an Olympic joke.

00:42:32Guest 1:But as time goes on, I realize the Olympics are not for me.

00:42:35Guest 1:They're for, like, children or, like, weird people enjoy the Olympics.

00:42:41Guest 1:I don't.

00:42:41Guest 1:You better prepare some stuff for Vancouver, buddy.

00:42:43Guest 1:I know.

00:42:44Guest 1:I know.

00:42:44Guest 1:It's right there.

00:42:45Guest 1:It's happening.

00:42:46Guest 1:Which in a town of potheads and unsigned bands, you know, in a town of people who kind of sort of wrote on kids in the hall.

00:42:55Guest 1:Have you been up there before?

00:42:56Guest 1:Only like for a day or two, you know.

00:42:58Marc:Every time I'm up there, I feel like the entire city was built out of a kit.

00:43:03Marc:It came in one big box that was just there and they built it.

00:43:05Marc:It feels like those movies from the 70s that were made about the future.

00:43:09Marc:Like I've always said about Vancouver, you get this feeling that everyone should be walking around wearing the same color jumpsuit and wrap around sunglasses.

00:43:16Guest 1:Well, everybody up there has been in one of our movies, you know, because they shoot a lot of movies up there, a lot of TV shows.

00:43:22Guest 1:So you're like, who is the guy that just gave me a coffee?

00:43:26Guest 1:Wasn't he an extra in an episode of Bones?

00:43:29Guest 1:Wasn't he a car accident patient?

00:43:32Marc:Are you doing any what's what's going on with this?

00:43:35Marc:What is that show that you were doing?

00:43:36Guest 1:It's called Dave's Old Porn, and right now we're waiting to hear if G4 will pick it up.

00:43:42Guest 1:What I do is I take the classic porn of the 70s, like a Debbie Does Dallas or a Deep Throat, and we go through the movie and we talk more about the story than the sex, because back then the porn movies actually had stories.

00:43:53Marc:Like the opening of Misty Beethoven?

00:43:54Guest 1:Right, like that kind of stuff.

00:43:55Guest 1:That movie changed my life.

00:43:56Guest 1:Or Behind the Green Door.

00:43:58Guest 1:Yeah, those are good examples of the kind of movies that we're talking about.

00:44:00Guest 1:And then I'll bring out another comic like Judah Friedlander.

00:44:03Guest 1:He was on it.

00:44:04Guest 1:And then we'll bring out people who are actually in the movie.

00:44:06Guest 1:Really?

00:44:06Guest 1:These are like the old porn stars from the golden age.

00:44:09Marc:Like...

00:44:10Marc:What's that guy who went to Columbia, the guy from opening in Misty Beethoven?

00:44:15Marc:Is it Evan Stone or something like that?

00:44:18Marc:No.

00:44:18Guest 1:He was a spanker.

00:44:20Marc:He likes spanking people.

00:44:21Marc:His name is Jamie Gillis.

00:44:23Guest 1:Oh, yeah.

00:44:24Guest 1:Jamie is a really cool guy.

00:44:25Guest 1:I met him through Yoshi, who works in the porn business.

00:44:28Guest 1:He's a comic.

00:44:30Guest 1:And Jamie is a really cool guy.

00:44:31Guest 1:So if this went for a series, we would bring out a guy like Jamie.

00:44:35Marc:Yeah, he's a pretty smart guy.

00:44:36Marc:He was like a Columbia graduate, I think, and a lot of those guys were.

00:44:39Guest 1:He's the Elliot Gould of the porn world.

00:44:41Guest 1:He also created the Gonzo, kind of like more free-form camera, use of amateur type.

00:44:47Guest 1:What happened to Ed Powers?

00:44:48Guest 1:Ed is still out there, I think, but I don't really know.

00:44:52Guest 1:I saw him one time in a strip club in, I guess, the early 90s, and I don't know if he was auditioning.

00:44:57Guest 1:Girls are just taking in the scene, but...

00:44:59Guest 1:He's an L.A.-based guy.

00:45:00Guest 1:Most of them are L.A.-based.

00:45:02Guest 1:I remember watching those Dirty Debutants.

00:45:04Guest 1:That's Randy West, yeah.

00:45:06Guest 1:No, that was Ed Powers.

00:45:07Guest 1:That's Upacomers, yeah.

00:45:08Marc:And I always thought, like, you know, like, I could see he represented the everyman.

00:45:13Marc:Like, he was like the Frank Capra of porn.

00:45:15Guest 1:The fat guy with the ponytail.

00:45:16Guest 1:Yeah, yeah.

00:45:17Marc:But you could tell, like, there are different periods where he tried to lose weight.

00:45:20Guest 1:Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:45:21Guest 1:He had the back freckles.

00:45:24Guest 1:That was weird.

00:45:25Guest 1:Yeah, and he always had to work really hard.

00:45:27Guest 1:And you could tell the girls that he would pay more money than anybody else, so he would get the newest girls, the hottest girls, but they all had that look of like, wow, this really is... Maybe it was the lighting.

00:45:38Guest 1:I don't know.

00:45:38Marc:Do you think there's anything wrong with porn?

00:45:40Guest 1:No, not really.

00:45:41Guest 1:I mean...

00:45:44Guest 1:I don't like high-end porn.

00:45:46Guest 1:I like the amateur, you know, like I don't need, like if I'm looking at it to jerk off, I don't need like, you know, the parody or anything like that.

00:45:54Guest 1:But when I did the porn awards, I realized every other movie, they made 7,000 movies this year for the price of what, like one Avatar commercial, you know?

00:46:04Guest 1:How many have you seen though?

00:46:05Guest 1:About 6,000 of them.

00:46:08Guest 1:Because I'm on the road.

00:46:09Guest 1:No, but they're up against the wall, man.

00:46:12Guest 1:There's so much free porn on the internet.

00:46:14Guest 1:It's stolen porn.

00:46:15Guest 1:Right.

00:46:15Guest 1:And I can't say I've never looked at it.

00:46:17Guest 1:Right.

00:46:18Guest 1:Who would pay for it if they get it for free?

00:46:21Guest 1:Are you dating anybody?

00:46:23Guest 1:I wish.

00:46:24Guest 1:No.

00:46:24Guest 1:Yeah.

00:46:25Guest 1:That's the beauty of L.A.

00:46:27Guest 1:is that everybody wants to talk to someone after a show here, but they don't want to go home with you.

00:46:30Guest 1:They just don't want to go home.

00:46:32Guest 1:Yeah.

00:46:32Guest 1:Because everybody knows they're going back to their sad little...

00:46:35Marc:apartment in the silver lake with a cat yeah you know i'm talking about my life no i figure a guy like you with a uh with a female roommate yeah nothing brings more poon than uh an actual female roommate yeah but the house is so quiet and i i feel weird about it it's it's an adjustment i like her a lot and i like uh having somebody there it's nice it's like being married without all the fucking uh horrendous responsibility and uh paranoia and uh anger

00:47:01Guest 1:Well, what does she do?

00:47:02Guest 1:Is she some kind of yoga instructor or something?

00:47:04Marc:No, no.

00:47:05Marc:She works in the business.

00:47:07Marc:Oh.

00:47:07Marc:How much are you smoking?

00:47:08Guest 1:About two packs a day.

00:47:10Guest 1:Smoking overseas is pretty difficult.

00:47:14Guest 1:What about booze?

00:47:15Guest 1:None.

00:47:16Guest 1:Really?

00:47:16Guest 1:I don't drink anymore.

00:47:17Guest 1:How'd that feel?

00:47:18Guest 1:It feels all right.

00:47:19Marc:Yeah?

00:47:20Guest 1:I mean, I don't miss booze like...

00:47:25Guest 1:People think I would because I drank a shitload.

00:47:29Guest 1:I'm not in any program or anything like that.

00:47:31Guest 1:It's mostly because I have an inflamed kidney and my liver was twice the size of what it should be.

00:47:37Guest 3:Is that true?

00:47:38Guest 1:Yeah.

00:47:38Guest 1:But I also stopped because I'm old and sitting in the bar as the old man is not the way to go.

00:47:44Guest 1:Yeah.

00:47:45Guest 1:And I don't, you know, like once you give up the whole idea of like something amazing is going to happen if you go to a bar.

00:47:50Guest 1:Oh, God.

00:47:50Guest 1:And you realize like you're not missing anything.

00:47:52Guest 1:But in New York.

00:47:54Guest 1:That feeling when you have Coke and you're drunk and like it's three in the morning, you're like, oh, it's all going to turn around.

00:47:59Guest 1:Any second.

00:48:00Guest 1:You told me the best, if I can say it, the best Coke story ever where you go like drugs in L.A.

00:48:06Guest 1:are the best because you end up in somebody's house.

00:48:09Guest 1:And it's like you, an extant man.

00:48:12Guest 1:Yeah.

00:48:13Marc:a d-level model yeah and like um fill in the name of your favorite yeah you know somebody yeah you know like you'll see some guys like i thought you were the host of entertainment tonight yeah and you don't know how you got to the room or who's what neighborhood you're in because you're already fucked up and there's always some guy that you know you don't know and no one really knows that well and he's scary but he brought the coke and that's going to be your next 12 hours

00:48:38Marc:yeah and that's and that's the thing about LA too is that I'll happen no one has anything to do the next day so they all can like hang out there for a couple days well that thing you said about people not want to go home it's like the only way you socialize if you go to someone's house or you go to a restaurant or a bar mm-hmm it's not like New York you just walk into this like you know ongoing crowd all the right time you literally you if you're in LA and you drive past a place where there's people outside you like oh fuck no I didn't get invited to that what's going on there

00:49:05Guest 1:Well, I always think that when you're in L.A.

00:49:06Guest 1:and, like, you go to a party, you're trapped there.

00:49:09Guest 1:Because there's, like, you know, if you leave, you've got to say goodbye to everyone or else you hear about it the next day.

00:49:15Guest 1:And they'll go, like, where are you going?

00:49:17Guest 1:Like, I remember I worked on Ray Romano's show.

00:49:19Guest 1:And they were, like, an adult show.

00:49:20Guest 1:So they would have, like, parties where it would be, like, we're going to make our own pizza.

00:49:24Guest 1:And, like, you know, this guy owns the restaurant.

00:49:26Guest 1:And he's going to let us all go in there and make our own pizzas.

00:49:28Guest 1:And there's little kids there.

00:49:30Guest 1:And, you know, like, you know, everybody, family, family.

00:49:33Guest 1:And then you'd be like, well, I'm going to go over to the improv and do a spot and then get drunk and hopefully bang some kind of whore.

00:49:39Guest 1:And they'd be like, what?

00:49:41Guest 1:It's 10 o'clock.

00:49:42Guest 1:I mean, this party is over.

00:49:44Guest 1:We're all going back to our very calm, fun lines.

00:49:48Marc:Yeah, our domesticated caves.

00:49:50Guest 3:Where the hell did you used to drink, though?

00:49:52Guest 3:I always remember you'd just disappear.

00:49:54Guest 1:I drank all over in Manhattan.

00:49:56Guest 1:But by yourself, like?

00:49:57Guest 1:Yeah, no, I knew all these bars I would just go to, like bar bars.

00:50:00Guest 1:I would never go to clubs.

00:50:01Guest 1:If you go to New York now, it's mostly about the club scene, kind of like out here, like Butter and HQ and all these different places.

00:50:10Marc:You know two more names than I do.

00:50:12Guest 1:I've never been to any of those places.

00:50:14Guest 1:But those are always the places where... Kids.

00:50:16Guest 1:Kids.

00:50:17Guest 1:Well, not so much kids, but just, like, the up-and-comer people, you know, like, the models and the, like, oh, the cast of Glee is here, you know, or something like that, so.

00:50:27Guest 1:But, you know, like, you were at Caroline's, and, like, I just think we had Caroline's, and I remember that bar at Caroline's, like,

00:50:34Guest 1:We used to, like, fucking shut that bitch down, like, just drink and drink, throw a couple hundred behind the bar, and, like, I'd be bartending and picnics and shots and, you know, like, doing fucking all kinds of crazy drugs.

00:50:45Guest 1:And now, like, you know, I go there, and I tip the, you know, you always tip at the end of the week.

00:50:49Guest 1:I give the kid a tip to, like, what is this for?

00:50:51Guest 1:I'm like, well, usually the headliner tips out to the bar.

00:50:54Guest 1:And they're like, oh, wow, because nobody even, like, drinks anymore, you know?

00:50:59Guest 1:And that's how it is.

00:51:00Guest 1:I guess everybody got old.

00:51:01Guest 1:And the younger comics, they're all just smoking pot.

00:51:04Guest 1:yeah i don't think pot's good you were never a pot guy no i smoked a lot of pot i just think it's a will killer at least with booze you're out in the world fucking things up well but there's never been a better time for potheads than right now yeah quality you can go to you get it from a doctor you can get it from a doctor you can um eat it eat it in a brownie form you know and that's not just like you know you and your friends hanging out because they don't have parents yeah like let's experiment

00:51:28Marc:Yeah, I miss pot, quite honestly.

00:51:30Guest 1:You do?

00:51:31Guest 1:I figured you would smoke a little pot.

00:51:32Marc:No, don't do nothing.

00:51:34Marc:I do a lot of nicotine.

00:51:35Guest 1:That's an order.

00:51:36Guest 1:I think you should smoke a little.

00:51:37Guest 1:You don't think it would take the edge off of you?

00:51:40Marc:I don't know.

00:51:40Marc:I'm already in my head enough.

00:51:42Marc:It just makes me more in my head.

00:51:43Marc:Yeah.

00:51:44Guest 1:Do you have trouble sleeping at night?

00:51:46Marc:Sometimes, but only when I'm at home.

00:51:47Marc:In hotels, I sleep very well.

00:51:49Marc:Really?

00:51:49Marc:Yeah.

00:51:50Marc:Wow.

00:51:50Marc:When I'm at home, I'm worrying about the noise outside or whether the garage is going to slide down the mountain or whether or not someone's going to hit me with a bat while I'm sleeping.

00:51:59Guest 1:Yeah, being a homeowner really does suck.

00:52:01Guest 1:Like, my mom's home.

00:52:02Marc:Yeah, it never gets done.

00:52:03Guest 1:It's never done.

00:52:04Guest 1:And she has, like, a hoarding problem, so I got to scream at her about having 300 pairs of socks.

00:52:09Yeah.

00:52:09Guest 3:You know, does she really?

00:52:10Guest 1:And then she throws back.

00:52:11Guest 1:Well, if you had heat in here, I wouldn't eat.

00:52:15Guest 3:Does she hoard stuff?

00:52:16Guest 1:Yeah, she does.

00:52:16Guest 1:But she she's like not a dirty hoarder.

00:52:18Guest 1:She's like it's all folded neatly and nicely.

00:52:21Guest 1:And, you know, it's in boxes.

00:52:23Guest 1:And I'm like, well, who's this for?

00:52:24Guest 1:She's like, oh, I want to give this to like somebody who's already dead, you know, and I'm like, oh, I'm like, just get rid of it.

00:52:30Guest 1:And I went through all of our old photos and slides.

00:52:35Guest 1:And you can slowly see the family degenerate into separate entities.

00:52:40Guest 1:But I put it all on a slideshow for her.

00:52:42Guest 1:And I put it all on a frame.

00:52:44Guest 1:And I gave it to her for Hanukkah.

00:52:47Guest 1:And she opens up.

00:52:48Guest 1:She's like, that's so nice.

00:52:49Guest 1:I can't believe it.

00:52:50Guest 1:And then she calls me back an hour late.

00:52:51Guest 1:She goes, so what do I do?

00:52:52Guest 1:Do I plug this in and turn it on?

00:52:54Guest 1:She was just so excited to get a frame.

00:52:57Guest 1:What a sad fucking life.

00:53:00Guest 1:Thank you for sending me a box.

00:53:03Guest 1:What a fucking idiot.

00:53:05Guest 1:What an idiot.

00:53:08Guest 1:She's just happy you sent her something.

00:53:10Guest 1:Look at him filling out the address and return address.

00:53:13Marc:All right, so we're going to hang out in Seattle then maybe?

00:53:16Guest 1:I hope so.

00:53:17Guest 1:Well, I definitely want to work with you on the road again.

00:53:19Guest 1:I'm thinking you, me, Tom Rhodes, and Doug Stanhope in the woulda, coulda, shoulda tour would be great.

00:53:24Marc:Why don't we do that?

00:53:25Guest 1:I like that idea.

00:53:26Marc:Woulda, shoulda, coulda?

00:53:27Guest 1:Yeah.

00:53:28Guest 1:Or just like the Poor Choices.

00:53:31Guest 1:Okay.

00:53:31Guest 1:Something.

00:53:31Marc:Yeah.

00:53:32Marc:Now I'm going to get my brain around that.

00:53:34Marc:And I think if you're serious about it, we should talk.

00:53:36Guest 1:Well, we'll have guys like rotate in and out.

00:53:37Guest 1:So it won't have to be like such a such a thing on people, you know, like, you know, book like a couple of theaters, see how it goes.

00:53:43Guest 1:Right.

00:53:43Guest 1:And then do like, you know, like a kind of roundtable at the end of like how our careers and lives have gone horribly.

00:53:49Guest 1:OK.

00:53:50Marc:So you want to do actually film it.

00:53:52Guest 1:No.

00:53:53Guest 1:All right.

00:53:53Guest 1:Baby steps.

00:53:54Guest 1:Look at you're already trying to sell the kids of comedy.

00:53:57Guest 1:I just want to work.

00:53:59Marc:Let's do it.

00:53:59Marc:I got a CAA booker.

00:54:00Marc:Let's make that happen.

00:54:02Guest 1:All right.

00:54:03Guest 1:So that's what I'd like to do.

00:54:04Marc:That's a good lineup, too.

00:54:05Marc:Me, you, Rhodes, and Stanhope.

00:54:07Guest 1:Yeah, I figure between all of us, we should be able to draw a couple hundred people apiece.

00:54:12Marc:I think Doug does pretty good with his people.

00:54:14Guest 1:Well, Doug is the guy who, if we could talk about one guy who I think is the most pure, evil, real guy who sticks to what comedy should be, it's him.

00:54:22Guest 1:Yeah, he'll play anywhere.

00:54:25Guest 1:He plays bar shows to his own disgruntled crowd, and they love him, and he's almost like a Manson or Jim Jones to them.

00:54:33Marc:Yeah, I had him on, and that was the first time we hung out.

00:54:35Marc:We had a great time.

00:54:36Guest 1:Oh, really?

00:54:36Guest 1:I thought you knew him for a long time.

00:54:38Marc:We know of each other.

00:54:39Marc:Our records are produced by the same guy, so we listen to each other's stuff, and he had listened to mine.

00:54:43Marc:He sent me a nice email, but we never really talked.

00:54:46Marc:And then I had him on the show in New York.

00:54:47Marc:I went to comics, and we had a really great time.

00:54:50Guest 1:It's hard to get in touch with Doug because...

00:54:51Guest 1:If he's not on the road doing his gigs, then he's in Bisbee, Arizona, in his small desert town, compound, militia training camp.

00:55:02Guest 1:And if he's not there, he's in Costa Rica for whatever.

00:55:05Guest 1:So you've got to catch him at the right moment if you want to talk to him.

00:55:09Guest 1:Thanks for having me on, man.

00:55:10Guest 1:It's always good seeing you.

00:55:10Guest 1:It's great seeing you.

00:55:12Guest 1:I appreciate it.

00:55:13Guest 1:Once again, I wish you all the best.

00:55:15Guest 1:Nobody's due a break more than you.

00:55:18Guest 1:I appreciate it, Dave.

00:55:19Guest 1:Thanks for doing it.

00:55:20Guest 1:Nice.

00:55:29Marc:All right, hold on.

00:55:33Marc:Let me turn the light on in my garage.

00:55:35Marc:There we go.

00:55:36Marc:So I hope you enjoyed that.

00:55:39Marc:I love Dave.

00:55:40Marc:It was great to talk to him.

00:55:42Marc:Here we go.

00:55:43Marc:I'm going to do a couple of emails before we get out here.

00:55:46Marc:This is re the Avatar issue.

00:55:48Marc:You know, I get more emails about this fucking Avatar movie.

00:55:51Marc:Look, it was garbage.

00:55:52Marc:I'm glad you liked it.

00:55:53Marc:It was garbage and it was a waste of money.

00:55:55Marc:It didn't help anything.

00:55:56Marc:That's the way I feel about it.

00:55:58Marc:How can you get a movie to make a billion dollars, but you can't get people to reach in their pocket to send people, real people, in $85?

00:56:04Marc:Why?

00:56:05Marc:Because they're brown and not blue?

00:56:06Marc:I mean, what's the issue?

00:56:08Marc:Unbelievable.

00:56:08Marc:Children.

00:56:09Marc:We're fucking children.

00:56:11Marc:So I get this email.

00:56:13Marc:Hey there, Mr. Marin.

00:56:14Marc:I'm Lou, a fan from Brazil.

00:56:16Marc:Found your podcast after you went on comedy and everything else and really love it.

00:56:20Marc:I'd like to share with you a WTF moment I had last Sunday when I went to see Avatar.

00:56:25Marc:I also shared your view that maybe they spent too much money on it.

00:56:27Marc:They should be directing those resources to something more useful.

00:56:30Marc:And also that was just technology for technology's sake.

00:56:33Marc:But since I knew at some point that I would eventually watch it, I decided to do so while high on LSD.

00:56:39Marc:So if Cameron's putting 300 million dollars on the pot with this 3D shenanigans and I'd be raising him a double sided Hoffman straight from the secret stash, the one for special occasions.

00:56:51Marc:Oh, my God, that's old school 60s real deal acid shit.

00:56:55Marc:Double sided Hoffman.

00:56:57Marc:All right, back to the letter.

00:57:23Marc:Right about the end, I had a very powerful realization about myself and my life at that particular point, that I was still standing in the hallway staring at the poster, putting my glasses on and off, and the movie hadn't even started yet.

00:57:37Marc:WTF?

00:57:39Marc:I guess my point is, don't do drugs.

00:57:42Marc:On a more serious note...

00:57:44Marc:though the movie really was lame and totally not worth the sensation that my eyes will never really line up properly ever again i hope he's telling the truth about double-sided hoffman straight from the secret stash that's a beautiful line here's something i think we can put under the no more crap about you stuff no more crap about is that how i say it play the music brendan

00:58:11Marc:Dear Mark, I was online to see a movie the other day when the woman in front of me turned apropos of nothing and wished me a happy Yom Kippur, which, as I'm sure you know, is usually in September or October.

00:58:23Marc:I am not Jewish, though I do have a large beard and short hair, which I suppose made me Jewish in her mind.

00:58:30Marc:She then said that Yom Kippur was the same as Kwanzaa and that it went until February 14th.

00:58:37Marc:She asked if I was Jewish and I said no, to which she replied, distinctively enunciating, you look like him as if the entire Jewish population was a single person.

00:58:49Marc:Thought you'd appreciate that.

00:58:50Marc:Nathan from Brooklyn.

00:58:53Marc:You a Jew?

00:58:53Marc:No?

00:58:55Marc:You look like him.

00:58:56Marc:Beautiful.

00:59:11Marc:punchlinemagazine.com for everything you need to know about comedy and everything else.

00:59:15Marc:Thank you all for voting for me at the stand-up showdown.

00:59:17Marc:It seems to have helped.

00:59:19Marc:Again, tomorrow night at the UCB Theater.

00:59:22Marc:Probably sold out, so don't freak out.

00:59:24Marc:But next Thursday, January 28th at the Comedy Central Stage at the Hudson Theater.

00:59:30Marc:That's a 7 p.m.

00:59:31Marc:show.

00:59:32Marc:Could use you there.

00:59:32Marc:323-960-5519.

00:59:33Marc:There's a parking lot available.

00:59:38Marc:There's street parking.

00:59:40Marc:It's free.

00:59:42Marc:Did I mention that before?

00:59:43Marc:It's free.

00:59:45Marc:Justcoffee.coop.

00:59:47Marc:Go do that.

00:59:48Marc:You can get it at the website, though.

00:59:49Marc:They've stopped the coupon deal.

00:59:53Marc:Some of you are asking, where's the coupon deal?

00:59:54Marc:Because some people are still on episode eight.

00:59:57Marc:And that deal is over.

00:59:59Marc:But the coffee's still good.

01:00:00Marc:So do all that.

01:00:01Marc:I think I covered everything.

01:00:03Marc:I hope you're well.

01:00:04Marc:I hope this brought you some joy and a little bit of sadness.

01:00:08Marc:and a little bit of what the fuck.

01:00:10Marc:Take it easy.