Episode 4 - David Feldman
Guest 3:Lock the gates!
Guest 4:Are we doing this?
Guest 4:Really?
Guest 4:Wait for it.
Guest 4:Are we doing this?
Guest 4:Wait for it.
Guest 4:Pow!
Guest 4:What the fuck?
Guest 4:And it's also, eh, what the fuck?
Guest 4:What's wrong with me?
Guest 4:It's time for WTF!
Guest 1:What the fuck?
Guest 1:With Mark Maron.
Marc:all right folks it's wtf i am mark maron you all know what that stands for it does stand for what the fuck which i think is the most important question we ask ourselves about everything today but i am careful on this show to make sure i go both ways with wtf there is what the fuck seriously what the fuck and then of course there's what the fuck
Marc:And I think those are both engaging ways to ask that question.
Marc:On the show today, we've got David Feldman.
Marc:He used to write for Roseanne, Bill Maher, Jon Stewart, won an Emmy, very funny comedian in a sort of wrong minded way when he does his thing just right.
Marc:I've also got to cop to an addiction I have that some of you may have as well.
Marc:And it is it is Facebook.
Marc:I'm addicted to Facebook.
Marc:I'm not proud.
Marc:I'm a little bit ashamed of it.
Marc:But I think it's something that needs to be talked about because seriously, what the fuck?
Marc:How is that a good use of time?
Marc:But please do follow us on Twitter because I am still not going to cop to that being a problem.
Marc:That's twitter.com.
Marc:It is WTFpod.
Marc:And you can also email us at WTFpod at gmail.com.
Marc:And I guess this first story or this first trajectory is more of a what the fuck sort of questioning.
Marc:I'm game.
Marc:What the fuck?
Marc:This is in that ilk.
Marc:In the middle of my divorce, as some of you know, I went through a miserable divorce.
Marc:A couple of things happened that I think I should share.
Marc:One is I was broken, sad, miserable, despairing, deep within the pit of self, scratching things on the wall.
Marc:I'm sitting on my couch, traveling to the painful places.
Marc:And I got the TV on.
Marc:And Kevin James, the King of Queens, his one hour Comedy Central special comes on.
Marc:And I sat there and I watched it and laughed hysterically.
Marc:Now, I never thought he was unfunny, but you wouldn't think that I'm the guy that would say wonderful things about Kevin James.
Marc:But this is the new mark.
Marc:This is the guilty pleasure mark.
Marc:This is the mark that is going back to a place where he was when he was younger.
Marc:I like clowns.
Marc:Kevin James is a clown.
Marc:It's not about what he says.
Marc:All he talks about is eating and waiting online and being frustrated about mundane things.
Marc:But he's a guy.
Marc:He can't help but be funny whether he's standing still or
Marc:Or just sitting in a chair.
Marc:He's just one of those guys.
Marc:And he made me feel so much better.
Marc:And I just want to put that out there.
Marc:That was a, what the fuck?
Marc:I'm going to watch Kevin James.
Marc:And I was grateful for it.
Marc:I haven't repeated the experiment, but I was grateful for it.
Marc:The other, well, what the fuck moment happened during the divorce.
Marc:I go into my doctor, Dr. Jay Meltzer.
Marc:I have a physical.
Marc:Now, Jay Meltzer is a 75-year-old at that time, a 75-year-old Jewish man, a small Jewish Buddha, sweet guy.
Marc:He's the kind of guy you walk into his office.
Marc:I say, how are you, Dr. Meltzer?
Marc:He goes, well, I'm 75 years old.
Marc:How do I look?
Marc:You look good, Dr. Meltzer.
Marc:He goes, how are you?
Marc:I tell him my sad story about being left, about the pain, about the this.
Marc:He goes, all right, so it's a tough time.
Marc:People make a mess.
Marc:That's what people do.
Marc:They make a mess.
Marc:I'm like, okay, I'm not sure that was helpful, but okay.
Marc:I get what you're saying.
Marc:So I get the physical.
Marc:Everything's fine.
Marc:He goes, well, you're healthy physically.
Marc:I'm sorry about what you're going through.
Marc:And I go, well, thanks for seeing me, Dr. Meltzer.
Marc:And I'm about to walk out.
Marc:And he goes, listen, Mark, have you tried Viagra?
Marc:Now, when somebody asks you that as a man who is vital and not at all depleted in that area or aged, you get a little defensive.
Marc:So I said, no, why would I want that?
Marc:I don't want Viagra.
Marc:I don't need Viagra.
Marc:And this little Jewish Buddha looks at me and he goes and he smiles and he says, listen, it's not about need.
Marc:This is a great drug.
Marc:This is a fun drug.
Marc:It goes out of your system in 24 hours.
Marc:It's terrific.
Marc:And he was ecstatic.
Marc:It's making me well up with excitement right now.
Marc:Just thinking about how excited this man was about this drug.
Marc:And I said, I don't know.
Marc:I guess, you know, you know what?
Marc:What the fuck?
Marc:All right.
Marc:Yeah, sure.
Marc:I'll try it.
Marc:Why not?
Marc:Why not?
Marc:I'm miserable.
Marc:I'm upset.
Marc:I'm emotionally broken.
Marc:Give me give me a script for a few of those.
Marc:So he does.
Marc:And I got to be honest with you.
Marc:Erectile dysfunction is a made up disease.
Marc:I used to do a joke about it back in the day.
Marc:which was, you know, erectile dysfunction, what kind of disease is that?
Marc:That's not a disease.
Marc:Maybe it doesn't want to go in there for a reason.
Marc:And that is probably true, whatever that reason may be.
Marc:But I'll tell you something about Viagra.
Marc:It's not just old people taking it.
Marc:It's not just those couples you see who are in their 50s or 60s that, you know, walk on the beach or get on the motorcycle or dance in their kitchen.
Marc:It's not those people.
Marc:I'm telling you, given the sales of this drug, there's got to be a lot of young people on this drug.
Marc:And now I know why.
Marc:And there should be an advertisement for that generation of Viagra users.
Marc:Where's the advertising angle that goes something like this?
Marc:Viagra.
Marc:For when you want to fuck anything.
Guest 3:This drug is unbelievable.
Guest 3:You could be crying.
Guest 3:Yeah, I could be sitting there going, I don't know if I want to do this.
Guest 3:I still love my wife.
Guest 3:I really miss her.
Guest 3:I'm like, oh my, okay, I'm ready.
Guest 3:It's ready.
Guest 3:All right, sit on it.
Marc:Viagra.
Marc:For when you want to fuck anything.
Marc:And it also led me to believe that the assessment, the cultural assessment of Viagra is about masculinity and what it implies about masculinity.
Marc:Look, there isn't a man out there that hasn't had some trouble getting it up in some situation.
Marc:It's just part of life.
Marc:I mean, if it's a plague that you live with and it's a chronic situation, all right, you got probably psychological problems.
Marc:Maybe, you know, maybe you got to deal with those.
Marc:And maybe you have physical problems.
Marc:Doesn't matter.
Marc:The real discussion around Viagra is the same discussion that is had around steroids.
Marc:This is a performance enhancing drug.
Marc:And really it comes down to how you feel about performance enhancing drugs.
Marc:Because to be honest with you,
Marc:If you don't know how to fuck, Viagra is not going to make you fuck any better.
Marc:It's just going to make you fuck longer and harder.
Marc:And that may be better, but I'm telling you, there's a talent to it.
Marc:You got to be perceptive.
Marc:You got to have some sense of what the other person wants.
Marc:I mean, there's a lot to it.
Marc:It's not unlike baseball.
Marc:If you take steroids, it's not going to make you hit a ball better.
Marc:If you don't know how to hit a ball going in, you're not going to have the miracle of hitting the ball.
Marc:You're just going to be able to fail at hitting the ball in a much stronger way.
Marc:Like you've got these players that are saying, you know, they're keeping it secret.
Marc:They didn't do it.
Marc:It's not in their blood.
Marc:They never used steroids.
Marc:When clearly they did.
Marc:So when they get caught for doing that, how do you judge them?
Marc:I would think that you'd be much the same as if you were caught by a woman who didn't know you were taking Viagra.
Marc:I mean, there'd be some disappointment.
Marc:They would think that it was their fault somehow, or why do you need that?
Marc:But then ultimately they go, you know what though?
Marc:It's pretty fucking exciting.
Marc:Let's go with it.
Guest 1:Well, this is Joe Lieberman.
Guest 1:Oh, no.
Guest 1:Why?
Guest 1:Why are you for spending a trillion dollars to give health care to people?
Guest 1:Why do you want to do this?
Guest 1:Aren't you an Orthodox Jew?
Guest 1:Don't you know better?
Marc:I'm very excited to have this next man.
Marc:I met this man for the first time when I worked in San Francisco 1992.
Marc:I was doing a gig at a gym in Stockton.
Marc:uh which is outside of san francisco it was a promotional gig i think on a sunday at 11 in the morning uh among the the exercise machines and i did my set and this man went on after me and afterwards he pulled me aside he goes what do you got to be filthy for you're a smart jewish guy and then i hadn't seen him in a while and in montreal i ran into him and he came to my one-man show scorching the earth and afterwards he said you know i honestly went expecting to see a train wreck i wanted to see you fail and
Marc:I wanted to enjoy your failure, but I got to be honest with you, it was so good, it made me forget you're an asshole for an hour, which I'm going to put on my next CD.
Marc:He's also an Emmy-winning writer and comedian.
Marc:He's written for Roseanne, Real Time with Bill Maher, The Daily Show with Jon Stewart.
Marc:David Feldman, thank you for joining us.
Guest 2:It's an honor.
Guest 2:After watching your one-man show in Montreal, you were great.
Guest 2:But I have a question.
Guest 2:Yes, sir.
Guest 2:Why do you have to talk about important things?
Guest 2:Why can't you just curse?
Marc:I try to do both.
Marc:I'm trying to mix it up.
Marc:I felt that just cursing doesn't work as well as integrating important stuff, but a lot of times what the cursing does is just propel the jokes into the garbage.
Guest 2:Well, congratulations on your podcast.
Guest 2:It's great.
Guest 2:I think you're going to have a lot of fun doing these things, because I started doing one, and there's a lot of freedom.
Guest 2:It's a good way to do... You know how they call journalism history and progress?
Guest 2:Yes.
Guest 2:The first draft of history?
Guest 2:The podcasts are fun, because I use them as a first draft of ideas, and it's a really good, safe space to...
Guest 2:Experiment with thoughts and ideas, and there are no consequences.
Marc:It's amazing the freedom available when absolutely nobody is listening.
Marc:I mean, it's one of those great, great, it's a great thing about America and about technology that you can just speak out into the void and absolutely have no expectation of anyone giving a shit and say whatever you want.
Guest 2:That's a great, you should, there's a good joke for your act.
Marc:Hold on, let me write it down.
Guest 2:In America, we have freedom of speech as long as nobody's listening.
Guest 2:That's what Clear Channel has proven.
Guest 2:That's good.
Guest 2:You can say whatever you want.
Marc:Okay, this is one of those moments where I'm like, I'm doing that, right?
Marc:You're not going to do it, right?
Guest 2:Yeah, it's yours.
Guest 2:It's my gift to you.
Guest 2:Okay, good.
Guest 2:Or your gift to yourself.
Guest 2:I don't know who came up with it.
Guest 2:But the point I'm making is I've been driving up and down the coast.
Marc:With any purpose?
Guest 2:Well, you know, we spend half our time in San Francisco and half our time in L.A.,
Guest 2:And my kids were going to a performing arts camp, Casadero camp, performing arts in Berkeley.
Marc:You have Jewish kids, right?
Marc:Because you're both Jewish, right?
Guest 2:Well, it's a mixed marriage.
Marc:What is your wife?
Guest 2:She's a blood and I'm a crip.
Marc:Oh, okay.
Guest 2:But we're proving that an inter-gang relationship can work.
Guest 2:And we've combined the... Actually, she's Irish Catholic and I'm...
Guest 2:A Jew.
Guest 2:Yes.
Guest 2:I don't know if you know that by my name, David Feldman.
Guest 2:So what we've done for the kids is we've combined the best of Hanukkah with the best of Christmas.
Guest 2:And we call it Hamas.
Guest 2:It's a beautiful holiday.
Guest 2:Every Hamas.
Guest 2:Now, my kids were raised Jewish.
Guest 2:You know, they've been bought in bar mitzvahed.
Guest 2:Anyway.
Marc:Well, I mean, I was going to say that I went to a performance art camp in Pennsylvania when I was a teenager.
Marc:And the greatest thing about it, I don't know if they let your kids do this, but I certainly hope so.
Marc:They let us smoke and they let us play guitar all day long.
Marc:And I thought this is my parents.
Marc:I really love my parents.
Marc:I went up there with a carton of cigarettes and a guitar and I had the greatest summer of mine.
Marc:What was the name of the camp?
Marc:Lighthouse.
Marc:Lighthouse Arts and Music Community.
Marc:And it was run by who?
Marc:It was run by Satanists, by satanic hippies.
Marc:No, it was run.
Marc:I don't know who was run, but I just I don't know why the hell they let us smoke.
Marc:I mean, I was 15, 14 years old, but they just didn't stifle it.
Marc:And I just thought it was great.
Marc:It was better than high school.
Guest 2:Was it a Jewish performing arts camp?
No.
Marc:No, there were some Jews there.
Marc:There was a guy named Robert Rudnitsky who got sent home for smoking pot, but there were some Jews.
Marc:But I went to Jewish camp, too, and there's a lot of singing involved with that and a lot of women that look the same.
Guest 2:Well, it depends what kind of Jewish camp you're talking about.
Marc:Oh, anyway.
Marc:Sure, the ones where their names were put on lists?
Guest 2:Yeah, color war, not so much fun.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest 2:Speaking of the Warsaw Ghetto, I was listening to the success stories of Iraq.
Guest 2:You know, they always talk about, well, you know, I heard somebody saying, well, you know, if you give it time, you're going to see that Bush was a visionary and it was successful.
Guest 2:And the Iraqi, you know, well, eventually, eventually it will get better.
Guest 2:Maybe 20 years, 50 years, definitely 100 years from now, Iraq will be a better place.
Guest 2:Because things do improve.
Guest 2:But two million people died in Iraq.
Guest 2:You have two million people displaced.
Guest 2:Saying that the war in Iraq is a success story because they ethnically cleansed neighborhoods.
Guest 2:It's like saying, look at Warsaw.
Guest 2:Look how peaceful it is there now.
Guest 2:Wasn't it worth it?
Guest 2:Well, you killed all the Jews who lived there.
Marc:It's beautiful.
Marc:It's empty.
Marc:There's nobody there anymore.
Marc:It's perfect.
Guest 2:Why are you complaining?
Guest 2:Why do you refuse to see the beauty in what I accomplished here?
Guest 2:Because that's exactly what Iraq is.
Marc:But I think the 100 years thing is kind of funny because obviously in 100 years, if it's not better, it'll certainly be different.
Marc:And I think that's a way to look at it.
Guest 2:And things always do get better.
Marc:I have not had that experience in my life.
Marc:Perhaps you have, but I find that hard to believe.
Guest 2:I do think things get better.
Marc:I think your perception of them becomes different.
Marc:I think they only get better because they have to, because how long can you stay angry?
Guest 2:You're talking to me, Mark.
Guest 2:And I'm talking to you.
Guest 2:And you know the answer to that question.
Marc:Well, I couldn't be more thrilled because like today, like yesterday, I heard that Glenn Beck went on vacation because he had to because all the sponsors, they pulled their sponsorship of him.
Marc:But then I walked by the TV here where I'm taping this thing and he's on TV again today.
Guest 2:What, 30 sponsors have dropped him?
Marc:Right.
Marc:I think the only ones that are left are, it's a company that makes human-sized ovens.
Guest 2:Listen, this is incredible.
Guest 2:Obama's health care plan hasn't even kicked in yet, and already they're pulling the plug on retards.
Guest 2:They're destroying.
Guest 2:Clorox stumped the poor guy for calling Obama racist.
Guest 2:You know, you're screwed when the people who remind us to separate the whites when they hate you.
Guest 2:You know, you're screwed.
Marc:Here's what I'm working on on the health care, David.
Marc:This has just become this.
Marc:Now it's called Joke Workshop with Feldman and Marin.
Guest 2:I love this.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:I started to realize that these militias are actually operating on behest of the health care of the insurance industry.
Marc:They are actually the armies of the health care industry.
Marc:And it finally made sense to me is that they both share the same agenda.
Marc:Both of them want to kill poor people.
Marc:The only difference is the militias are more specific.
Marc:They want to kill poor black people because somehow their poverty is different than the black people because they're white and that's what they're fighting for.
Guest 2:Right.
Marc:See, it becomes less of a joke towards the end, but I'm glad I got a laugh on the... The whole thing is a joke.
Marc:Well, yeah, I've said that the reason we're not going to have nationalized health care in America is because, like, think about it.
Marc:This system with a 10% unemployment rate, we need the turnover.
Guest 2:Oh, you mean like let them die?
Guest 2:That's all of it.
Guest 2:That's the whole thing.
Guest 2:That's what they do.
Guest 2:You know, Jimmy Dore, a very funny guy, he was on his radio show.
Marc:Citizen Jimmy.
Guest 2:Citizen Jimmy.
Guest 2:Yeah, sure.
Guest 2:And he told me that Swaziland has the lowest life expectancy in the world, 31%.
Marc:Oh, my God.
Marc:What is it?
Marc:Is it 1870 there?
Guest 2:Think about that.
Guest 2:If you can get our life expectancy down to 31, that would make Social Security pretty solvent, as you were just pointing out.
Marc:Why don't they just line people up and shoot them?
Marc:I really think that these gun-toting freaks, these right-wing Christo-fascist zombies, are...
Marc:Literally, I think they're provoking Obama.
Marc:I think that the second that Obama actually sends the National Guard in or uses the military to stifle something, if necessary, they're going to go, see, see, it's a totalitarian state.
Marc:We're being put in the camps that we always thought existed.
Marc:And now we're going to be tagged and numbered.
Marc:And I say, yes, please do that.
Marc:I think they should be taking names.
Marc:I'm not a fascist, David, but like whoever is at these town hall meetings spouting out this ridiculous reaction to the possibility of a public option.
Marc:They should all be put on a list and put into, yes, education camps, not re-education camps.
Marc:Just educate.
Marc:Wow.
Marc:A basic education.
Guest 2:Wow.
Guest 2:That's that's great.
Guest 2:That's fantastic because they are they are really, really stupid.
Marc:I just don't know how the hell can they understand health care legislation when I can't even understand my health insurance.
Marc:I mean, I can't imagine that these morons can understand their policy.
Marc:I don't think they understand what they're doing in terms of death panels.
Marc:I mean, all insurance companies do is let people die.
Marc:That's how they make money.
Marc:And the pharmaceutical companies only make money on keeping people sick.
Marc:When somebody dies to a pharmaceutical company, they're like, oh, shit, we lost another one.
Marc:Not going to make any more money on that one.
Guest 2:It is the dumbest country in, I would say, this is the dumbest version of America since 1776.
Marc:Yeah, I'm ready for a new version.
Marc:Can we change the version?
Guest 2:39% of Americans say they want government to stay out of Medicare.
Marc:I know.
Guest 2:I want 39% of Americans to stay out of America.
Guest 2:That's my new decision.
Guest 2:39% of America have to go into Marc Maron's summer education camp.
Guest 3:Exactly.
Guest 2:Where you'll smoke cigarettes.
Guest 2:And play guitar.
Guest 2:and play guitar and read a book yeah that's the dumbest people most of the this is how stupid they are and you almost you know except for the fact that well i mean they don't have health insurance most of these people when they get interviewed when they're asked well you're fighting socialized medicine but you don't have health care you know it's like
Marc:well you know i lost my job i lost my home and now obama wants to take away the only thing i got left my tumor tumor is the only thing i got now the government's going to take that away from me it's so ridiculous they're like it should be our choice okay so you're willing to live in denial and not pay money for health care coverage thinking that you're not going to get sick or you're not going to die but when you do who pays for it then
Marc:So what do you think, before I let you go, what do you think was the primary cause of the cultural retardation that we have evolved into?
Guest 2:Well, I would say, you know, I would say the ability to poll George Bush, the first George Bush,
Guest 2:Lee Atwater, the ability to pull people and then wedge us and divide.
Guest 2:You know, Lee Atwater created the term wedge issues.
Guest 2:Do you remember Lee Atwater?
Guest 2:Right.
Marc:It's basically saying the ability to do demographic studies on the vulnerabilities of retarded people and how to exploit those vulnerabilities so they can be easily overcome.
Marc:led into a frothy, angry rage that will cause them to vote against their economic self-interest in the name of Jesus or in the name of constitutional bunk.
Marc:Is that what you're trying to say?
Guest 2:Yeah, but not as well as that.
Guest 2:I need to go to one of your education camps.
Marc:Yeah, well, that's starting soon.
Marc:So I'm going to be out there in L.A.
Marc:probably a lot more starting in October.
Guest 2:Who's working at my manager?
Marc:Who's your manager?
Marc:Who's your manager?
Guest 2:I have a wonderful manager, McDonald Murray, Alex Murray.
Marc:Yeah, yeah.
Marc:Alex Murray.
Marc:Right.
Marc:She saw me in.
Guest 2:Yeah, we saw you in Montreal.
Guest 2:Who's now?
Guest 2:What are you doing with that one man show?
Guest 2:Did she see it?
Guest 2:No, Alex is a man.
Marc:Oh, different Alex.
Guest 2:I'm not.
Guest 2:I'm kidding.
Guest 2:No, did he see it?
Guest 2:I have gone Chastity Bono in the opposite direction.
Marc:Good for you.
Marc:So how's the vagina?
Yeah.
Guest 2:It's not bad.
Guest 2:You know, I've calmed down.
Guest 2:It's like when I gave my daughter the clitorectomy.
Guest 2:She calmed down.
Guest 2:Cut that out of the pilot, please.
Marc:Yeah, we'll pull that.
Guest 2:That's the second time.
Guest 2:You know what?
Guest 2:God damn it.
Guest 2:That's the second time I did that.
Marc:What?
Marc:Brought up her clitorectomy?
Guest 2:No, I said, you know, I... You promised you wouldn't admit it in public anymore?
Guest 2:No, I was doing an interview yesterday, and I said...
Guest 2:I had a joke about Franklin Roosevelt.
Guest 2:Oh, Rush Limbaugh.
Guest 2:Somebody said, well, what about Rush Limbaugh saying Barack is trying to be the black Franklin Roosevelt?
Guest 2:And I said, but Franklin Roosevelt wasn't black.
Guest 2:I mean, every black guy I know is named Franklin Roosevelt.
Marc:that's beautiful yeah well that's classic feldman yeah well yeah i don't like to do racist stuff and then i got like these i got three angry emails calling me a racist fuck them yeah i know i i my joke i do a joke where i say like i'm not racist but i'm nervous it's not it's not ethnicity specific it's really case by case
Marc:It's not racism until it turns into a generalized hatred of a specific type of person.
Marc:So I'm still at phase one, which I think is human and tolerant.
Marc:But I love you, and thanks for being on the show.
Guest 2:Hey, this was a lot of fun.
Guest 2:Can I plug my podcast?
Marc:I want you to right now.
Guest 2:I'm going to plug my podcast?
Guest 2:Right now.
Guest 2:DavidFeldmanComedy.com, and you can find it on iTunes.
Guest 2:It's David Feldman Comedy on iTunes.
Guest 2:Just type it in.
Guest 2:And I'm telling you, you're going to love these podcasts.
Guest 2:They're great.
Guest 2:All right, David, take care.
Guest 2:I'll see you in L.A.
Guest 2:in October.
Guest 2:Right on, buddy.
Bye.
Marc:you know i don't do drugs i don't drink i don't do those things i i know a lot of you know that i don't do them i i have not done them in 10 years i have 10 years clean and sober and i have 10 years clean and sober because of the fact that i
Marc:I have a problem.
Marc:I had a compulsive disposition for all of my life.
Marc:All I wanted to be was a drug addict.
Marc:I wanted to be a drunk.
Marc:I never thought it was an issue.
Marc:I thought it was a way of life.
Marc:All my heroes had the same problems.
Marc:I wanted to have that liberation.
Marc:I wanted to have that freedom of expression.
Marc:I wanted to rock, man.
Marc:I wanted to live like Burroughs, like Keith Richards, though I didn't do that drug.
Marc:I wanted to be a beatnik.
Marc:I wanted to be free.
Marc:And I have that in me.
Marc:I have those things.
Marc:And with the help of a 12-step program, which I will always say worked for me and continues to work.
Marc:It's a way of changing your mind and changing the way you think about things.
Marc:It's not a cult.
Marc:It's not a religion.
Marc:You don't have to believe in God.
Marc:There is no God.
Marc:That is not the issue.
Marc:The issue is that I still am an addict today.
Marc:The thing is, when you have that personality, you can find anything that will fill that void.
Marc:Anything to avoid you.
Marc:What can I do to avoid me today?
Marc:What can I do to make myself feel better in the immediate sense of the word?
Marc:I want gratification now.
Marc:I want to feel better.
Marc:Somebody help me.
Marc:I'm spending too much time with me.
Marc:Get me out of my skin.
Marc:Get me out of my brain.
Marc:And I eat 900 nicotine lozenges a day.
Marc:I chew Nicorette gum.
Marc:I don't want to smoke cigarettes because I think it burns the flesh in my, in the tissue of my lungs.
Marc:I don't want to get cancer that way.
Marc:So I will do all the nicotine in the world.
Marc:I will spend time cooking things, not because I love to cook, which I do, but I started to realize like, look, this is very immediate gratification oriented.
Marc:There's a goal at hand.
Marc:Look, I'm going to start out with this stuff.
Marc:I'm going to make a thing and then I'm going to shove it into my face and I'm going to enjoy it.
Marc:But do I really enjoy it?
Marc:I could spend two hours cooking something and eat it in 45 seconds.
Marc:But I know that during that time, I wasn't thinking about me.
Marc:I had a goal in mind.
Marc:I was moving towards something.
Marc:It's the same in a weird way with masturbation and pornography and Facebook and texting and emailing.
Marc:A lot of this stuff is all the same sort of agenda.
Marc:Like if I was to spend the time that I spend doing those things, writing something or working on my act, I would probably be a genius.
Marc:I would have, not only would I be a great comic, but I would probably have paintings hanging in the Museum of Modern Art.
Marc:I just don't apply myself.
Marc:That's how grandiose I am.
Marc:You know, if I applied myself, I could probably retool the theory of relativity or design a space telescope.
Marc:But I choose not to.
Marc:I want to use my energy elsewhere.
Marc:I want to bake a cake and I want to masturbate for half an hour.
Marc:Are you going to judge me?
Marc:I know I could do those things.
Marc:But now I'm starting to become concerned with the addictive nature that I have with other things because I can't, I'm going to cop to this.
Marc:I don't even know how many times I checked my status update on Facebook.
Marc:I don't even know.
Marc:I'm ashamed of it because I'll put something up on my status bar and I will sit there and I'll wait for people to write in and I'll watch what they say.
Marc:And it's like a speed ball.
Marc:It's like, Oh, that person likes me.
Marc:I was a little negative.
Marc:Maybe I should respond to that.
Marc:Oh, fuck that guy.
Marc:I'm definitely going to respond to that.
Marc:I mean, this goes on all day long.
Marc:Twitter, same thing.
Marc:These are like, it comes out of this neediness to connect.
Marc:It comes out of a neediness to avoid myself.
Marc:It comes out of a neediness to reveal myself.
Marc:And also just a need to be distracted and to feel the excitement of people responding to me, to sending my narcissism.
Marc:I'm just, my narcissism is like I'm a Medusa of emotional fishing poles, just casting lines out into the ether and waiting people
Marc:like, Ooh, got one here.
Marc:I got one.
Marc:Oh, here's someone.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Oh, look, look how connected I am.
Marc:This is all about me and it's making me feel better.
Marc:And I'm driving the boat and I have all these lines with these fish on them and they're all saying good things about me.
Marc:Every status update on Facebook should just be, Hey, would somebody please validate me, please?
Marc:Let me just update my status.
Marc:I need validation.
Marc:Hold on, let me update my status.
Marc:Hey, I'm here.
Marc:Is anyone else out there?
Marc:Hold on, I want to update my status.
Marc:How great am I?
Marc:Am I pretty good?
Marc:Hold on, let me update my status.
Marc:Look, this is something I thought of.
Marc:Isn't it wonderful?
Marc:Hold on, I'm going to update my status.
Marc:I'm a little sad.
Marc:Could somebody throw me a line?
Marc:It never ends.
Marc:It's a waste of time.
Marc:But it's what fuels this entire technological boom.
Marc:I'm not sure this social networking means anything other than people need to be validated, even if it's ever so briefly.
Marc:I do know I'm addicted to it.
Marc:And I do know that it does something to my brain chemicals.
Marc:And I do know that I should.
Marc:You know what?
Marc:I'm going to put that in my status bar.
Marc:This is doing something to my brain chemicals.
Marc:Thank you.
Marc:Let's see where that goes.
Marc:Okay, I think that's it.
Marc:I think I've had it.
Marc:I mean, what the fuck?
Marc:Am I right?
Marc:Seriously, what the fuck?
Marc:Don't ever be afraid to ask that of everything around you.
Marc:And don't ever be afraid to...
Marc:Cut yourself a little slack.
Marc:Give yourself a break.
Marc:Indulge with a little, uh, yeah, what the fuck.
Marc:And also please don't be shy or afraid to tweet us at twitter.com.
Marc:We are WTF pod.
Marc:And please email with feedback, suggestions, feelings, what the fuck moments on both sides of it.
Marc:Send us your what the fuck moments at WTF pod at gmail.com.
Marc:And please take care of yourself.
Marc:Don't hurt anybody.
Marc:You can hurt yourself a little bit because that keeps you awake and alive and responsive.
Marc:Maybe that's just my system.
Marc:Do what you got to do.
Marc:I'll talk to you soon.