Episode 387 - Live at Trepany House in LA
Guest:Are we doing this?
Guest:Really?
Guest:Wait for it.
Guest:Are we doing this?
Guest:Wait for it.
Guest:Pow!
Guest:What the fuck?
Guest:And it's also... Eh, what the fuck?
Guest:What's wrong with me?
Guest:It's time for WTF!
Guest:What the fuck?
Guest:With Marks.
Guest:All right, let's do this.
Guest:How are you, what the fuckers?
Guest:What the fuck buddies?
Marc:What the fuckineers?
Marc:What the fuck nicks?
Marc:Welcome to live WTF at the Trippany House in the Steve Allen Theater.
Marc:Maybe that's what fucking confused people.
Marc:The two names.
Marc:Did you see that sunset tonight?
Yeah.
Marc:Was that fucking amazing?
Marc:Did you have this experience?
Marc:This was the first time this happened.
Marc:That sunset was stunning.
Marc:And I stood out in front of my house and I looked at it and I thought, that's stunning.
Marc:We're all going to die.
Marc:How does that happen?
Marc:You know, like, hold on to this.
Marc:How many more sunsets do I have left?
Marc:I feel like I just sort of paraphrased Tom Waits in Rumblefish.
Marc:How would that come up?
Marc:You know, like, why would my brain go there?
Marc:How many summers I got left?
Marc:You don't remember that?
Marc:All right, so let's just read a couple emails.
Marc:Subject line, primo.
Marc:Hey, double M, what the fuck is occurring?
Marc:I just signed up for the premium access or episodes or whatever I got to say.
Marc:I'm pretty happy about that.
Marc:First throwback I popped off was the Brendan Small episode because I'm a big home movies fan.
Marc:The Aussie bombing story was great.
Marc:I'm slowly trying to get my girlfriend into your show and I think she'll really like that story.
Marc:Anyways, dot, dot, dot.
Marc:I lost my enthusiasm for this email.
Marc:i had gusto when i started dot dot dot big fan keep it up old shit's awesome gavin who lost it this one's a sweet one thank you mark i've listened to your podcast for several years i simply wanted to thank you uh i listen to your podcast as my treat every day when i go out for my daily run you've gotten me through training for a half marathon which i ran in madison wisconsin and i kicked ass
Marc:You entertain me as I painted our backyard fence in every room in our house when preparing to sell our home.
Marc:You keep me sane as I'm killing myself in graduate school.
Marc:I'm an RN pursuing my master's degree.
Marc:I'm halfway through a three-year program.
Marc:Finally, I got clean and sober in 1990 at the age of 19.
Marc:I'm also a recovering anorexic and bulimic, and I'm so glad you discussed your issues with food so honestly.
Marc:Your rigorous honesty and integrity are so refreshing.
Marc:Thank you so much for sharing your story and bringing us the human side of your guests.
Marc:In the end, thank you for sharing your gift.
Marc:Dot, dot, dot.
Marc:Just take the fucking compliment, Maren.
Marc:Keep up the great work, Julie.
Marc:What is this one?
Marc:This one's good.
Marc:Notable user.
Marc:Hey, Mark, I just wanted to let you know that you have finally made it to the big time.
Marc:I felt the urge to read the Wikipedia page on nicotine lozenges because I, too, am convinced I have cancer any time a bump, sore, itch, or general ailment of any sort occurs, and I couldn't help but notice and inform you that you are the most notable user of nicotine lozenges.
Marc:Congratulations!
Marc:I think now you can finally sleep soundly knowing that your legacy will live forever through a seldom-read Wikipedia entry.
Marc:Seriously, thank you for WTF.
Marc:It has helped me through a lot of crazy shit in the past few years.
Marc:Keep doing the big work.
Marc:Boomer lives.
Marc:Richard.
Marc:Yeah, it's very sweet.
Marc:Harassing Michael Showalter.
Marc:How could I not read that?
Marc:Heh heh.
Marc:Dear Mark, I started listening to WTF relatively recently, and in the past few weeks, I've torn through dozens of episodes, mainly on my daily subway ride between Brooklyn and Manhattan.
Marc:Every episode, you produce an intimate three-way relationship between you, your guest, and me, the listener.
Marc:I personally feel part of each conversation.
Marc:After having streamed so many Marin interviews into my brain and heart, I've started to believe that I am a welcome insider in the weird and fascinating world of stand-up comedy and show business.
Marc:It's a nice feeling, but as I recently learned, it's not reality.
.
.
.
Marc:The other day, I saw Michael Showalter on my train ride to work.
Marc:Like any respectable New Yorker, I usually leave famous people alone, especially in an awkward setting like a quiet subway car.
Marc:But there I was, listening to you interview Conan on WTF, and I decide that I'm going to walk over to Michael and start a dialogue.
Marc:That we are going to connect on a quote-unquote human level.
Marc:And that he will totally be cool with that because I'm an insider, and Michael and I have been close friends since episode 162.
Marc:LAUGHTER
Marc:Of course, when I went up to him, the only thing I could think of saying was a jittery, hey, I loved Wet Hot American Summer.
Marc:You totally nailed Jewish summer camp.
Marc:He begrudgingly thanked me and went back to staring at his iPhone.
Marc:Reality came rushing back, and I felt like such a dork.
Marc:I sheepishly retreated to my seat and put my headphones back on, embarrassed for having bothered this nice stranger on his way to work.
Marc:Nevertheless, I decided that Michael Shoalwalter was a total dick for...
Marc:For not inviting me to have a heart-to-heart with him about summer camp, comedy, and life.
Marc:Is that wrong?
Marc:I'm sure we would have had an amazing talk.
Marc:Anyway, I thought you'd enjoy hearing my little story about how your podcast has had this unintended consequence of encouraging your fans to harass celebrities.
Marc:I'll try to keep it on the leash next time, but if I see Carlos Mencia or Louis C.K., I'm not sure I'll be able to hold back.
Marc:Love your show.
Marc:Keep up the good work.
Marc:Happy New Year, Jeremy.
Marc:Okay, I'll read one more.
Marc:I like this one.
Marc:My girlfriend wants you and stuff.
Marc:The tone is so fucking perfect already.
Marc:Hey, Mark, I was watching Sleepwalk with me with my girlfriend, and right when you leave with the girl at the bar, she said, when we take a breather, I'm going to have sex with Marc Maron, if that's okay.
Marc:I don't think she means the last three words.
Marc:I'm leaving to go to New York for three years, and while I'm not sure how she's gonna make it to your cat piss stained garage in LA, your striking primal sexuality is going to bring her to you eventually.
Marc:As I type this, she is telling me it's your facial hair.
Marc:I'm sorry I can't manage the salt and pepper look.
Marc:Thanks for being an old Jew.
Marc:She's a Jew too.
Marc:You know what?
Marc:Fuck you, Jews.
Marc:But thanks for being, you know, funny and stuff.
Marc:Michael.
Marc:P.S.
Marc:I wanted to send this via snail mail because I know you like that, but I'm young and virile and don't use my mailbox.
Marc:So I've attached a picture of my little bipolar Jewish slut of a girlfriend.
Marc:Humping a large tree.
Marc:I think it's an oak.
Marc:All right, let's get on with it.
Marc:My first guest tonight is a very funny woman, so shut up.
Marc:Those emails always get me.
Marc:You should have more women on.
Marc:Why aren't there more women on?
Marc:Why is it such a sausage fest?
Marc:Maybe she can answer that question in a way that would make it clear to you that there's just more men doing this.
Marc:Most women are like, I'm not going to fucking do that.
Marc:So she has a podcast called Your Mom's House.
Marc:Maybe some of you may remember her from Road Rules.
Marc:Please welcome Christina Pazitsky.
Marc:Pazitsky.
Marc:Pazitsky.
Marc:Was it?
Guest:That's close enough.
Guest:Hi, guys.
Guest:Hi.
Guest:Yeah, no worries.
Guest:Yeah, Pajitsky.
Marc:What is it, Pajitsky?
Marc:You don't know how fucking hard it was for me to spell that every time I searched it or wanted to tweet you.
Marc:I mean, it's P-A-Z-S-I-T-Z-K-Y.
Marc:Fuck that.
Guest:I know, and everybody gets so mad at me, but I don't know the way I see it.
Guest:I'm an immigrant, dude.
Guest:My parents escaped from Hungary.
Guest:Did they really?
Guest:Escaped in 1969, and they got put in a camp in Italy for a year.
Guest:I thought you were going to say here.
No.
Marc:And I was going to be like, I didn't realize we did that to Hungarians.
Guest:No, no, no.
Guest:So I feel like, I don't know, I feel like I have to keep the name or something.
Marc:Yeah, you do.
Marc:Absolutely.
Marc:Wait, do they have Hungarian accents?
Guest:Yeah, of course.
Marc:What does that sound like?
Marc:Do you do one?
Guest:Yeah, I can do my dad.
Marc:Okay.
Guest:Okay, that's what my dad always, he'll be like, my dad will be like, Kristika, when I was a child, what does he always say?
Guest:Oh, I had to eat horse for dinner.
Yeah.
Guest:The revolution came.
Guest:You understand it.
Guest:Like, he's a crank.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:They're tough, though.
Guest:They're so tough.
Guest:And they're not Jews?
Guest:No.
Guest:I kind of wanted to be a Jew growing up, though.
Marc:You did?
Guest:Yeah, because I grew up in the back.
Marc:But you're Hungarian.
Marc:You're part of it.
Guest:Well, we're disenfranchised, I guess, and shit on, right?
Marc:From Hungary?
Marc:No, it's just in Europe.
Marc:I don't do it personally.
Guest:No, just like, because we're like the... We're European, but not the good kind of European.
Guest:You know what I mean?
Guest:Like...
Guest:Nobody wants to be Hungarian.
Guest:We've only contributed the Rubik's Cube.
Marc:That was big, though.
Marc:That distracted a lot of nerds for a lot of years.
Marc:That defined many of the people I went to junior high with.
Marc:That was their only claim to fame.
Marc:Like, ha, done.
Guest:Did you do it?
Guest:Were you good at it?
Marc:Are you fucking kidding me?
Marc:Like, I spent like five seconds with that.
Marc:I'm like, what is the point of this?
Marc:I'm not even going to feel like, why would I spend my life doing this?
Guest:Did you cheat and move the stickers around?
Guest:I totally did.
Guest:You moved the stickers around?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:You guys did that, right?
Guest:That's what you're supposed to do.
Guest:You're not supposed to really solve it.
Marc:I think that when somebody actually said there's a method to it and they had the directions, I couldn't even fucking figure those out.
Who wants to do that?
That's terrible.
Marc:Because it's only a series of moves.
Marc:Those kind of people with the mathematical brains and the diligence to focus on things.
Marc:I'll fuck those people.
Marc:Do their homework and shit.
Marc:No, I can't do that.
Marc:No, fuck that.
Marc:I can't be bothered.
Marc:But Hungarian food's good.
Marc:It's heavy.
Marc:Yes.
Marc:What was dinner growing up?
Marc:Okay.
Guest:Is that a weird question?
Guest:No, not at all.
Marc:Was it potato-oriented or stroganoff?
Guest:It was stroganoff.
Guest:No way, dude.
Guest:That's way American.
Guest:Is that Hungarian?
Guest:It's sausage, a lot of sausage, potato.
Guest:Oh, that's good.
Guest:My mother used to feed me breaded cow brains for many years before I figured it out.
Guest:And they're real mushy.
Guest:They're delicious because they're breaded, as anything is.
Guest:And I remember by the time I was nine, I was like, Mom, what is this?
Guest:She's like, oh, this is cow brains.
Guest:And you're like, what?
Guest:And then that was the end of...
Marc:but i like all that i like blood sausage and gross food yeah do you eat that stuff i've ate it in ireland i have not eaten it in hungary because i've not been to hungary but my my what i'm saying is an irish themed blood sausage is that different than the hungarian blood sausage no no the iron don't they have haggis or that yeah yeah that's scotland but i i didn't eat that i took a bite of it and i was like it's not necessary
Guest:That's a good way of putting it.
Marc:You know, it's weird.
Marc:Some foods are like, oh, you got to try this.
Marc:You're like, no, no, no, no, not really.
Marc:I could be okay and not do that.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I like sausage still.
Guest:I love processed meats.
Guest:I like, it's like poor people food, you know, like there's fucking, you know, there's no diets.
Guest:I love head cheese.
Guest:Really?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:My dad has it in his fridge at all times.
Guest:Really?
Guest:Is it like a go-to head cheese stash?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Like, does he stockpile it?
Guest:I bet if we went to... Yeah, right now, it's nothing but sausage, head cheese, and... Oh, he loves... What's that?
Guest:Fresca.
Marc:Fresca and head cheese.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:Who the fuck drinks fresca?
Guest:I don't even know where he finds it.
Marc:That would be the...
Marc:That would be the Jewish connection, I think.
Guest:Is that?
Marc:Sure.
Marc:When I was growing up, Fresca was like, it was as if cancer had been cured again for my mother.
Guest:I think it gives you cancer.
Marc:Yeah, that's exactly it.
Marc:But Tab and Fresca defined the anorexic Jewish diet in the mid-70s.
Guest:Oh, is that how you do it?
Guest:You just drink soda all day to not eat?
Marc:Yeah, well, my mother has a lot of systems.
Marc:Some of it involves a lot of coleslaw-ish looking stuff.
Marc:It's so gross.
Marc:One calorie Jell-O cups, a lot of those.
Marc:Non-dairy whipped cream and Seneca.
Marc:So, you know, it's, yeah, she's got a system.
Marc:I wish she'd put it in a book.
Guest:Does she look good, though?
Marc:My mother's job in life is to remain 116 pounds.
Marc:116 pounds.
Marc:That's, like, if you ask my mother, what do you do?
Marc:She would say, I weigh 116 pounds.
Guest:Wow.
Marc:And at one time I claimed that she was 119 by accident, and that was the only negative email I've gotten from her about my show.
Marc:How dare you say that I weigh 119 pounds?
Marc:This is what I grew up with, all right?
Marc:I wish I grew up with sausage.
Marc:I did not grow up with sausage.
Guest:Do you know how hard it is to stay that?
Guest:Like, I just eat my feelings constantly.
Marc:Oh, yeah.
Marc:That's what feelings are for.
Guest:Right.
Guest:I sit alone in hotel rooms and eat.
Guest:You know, you get that Easy Mac from the lobby.
Marc:Oh, the road, dude.
Guest:Yeah, you just put the water in it.
Guest:If you're lucky enough to have a microwave.
Marc:Marriott Suite Hotel.
Guest:Yeah, just eat those feelings right away.
Marc:Oh, fuck yeah, man.
Marc:I will sometimes on the road, I will, here's, I'll play this game with myself.
Marc:And it usually starts with this.
Marc:You go into that little area they have for, it's usually connected to the front desk.
Marc:Right.
Marc:There's the food.
Marc:Snickers and shit.
Marc:This is how it starts with me.
Marc:Oh, fucking ice cream.
Marc:Are you kidding me?
Marc:That's how it starts.
Marc:I'm going to fucking, that's great in single servings.
Marc:I'm going to get three of those, the single serve Ben and Jerry's and a bar.
Marc:Give me a bar and like Twix.
Marc:I'll get the big Twix and then I just go up to my room and shovel that shit in my face and like right when I'm about to pass out from sugar, I jerk off.
Guest:Yeah, you have to incorporate masturbation into your sadness regime on the road.
Marc:That's a poor man's speedball.
Guest:That's a sober... That totally is.
Marc:It's a sober man's speedball.
Marc:You're just surrounded by fucking wrappers and a washcloth, and you're like, oh, I'm there, I'm there.
Guest:And pornography, yeah.
Marc:Thank God for internet porn when it comes to that.
Marc:You remember the days when you had to suffer through hotel room porn?
Guest:No, I never did that.
Guest:What I did do was, you know, my dad had like VHS tapes, like stashes, and I'd, you know, accidentally find those.
Marc:Yeah, for an hour.
Guest:And learn about life.
Guest:Yeah, yeah.
Guest:That's how I learned, you know, like Ron Jeremy was in those.
Guest:Really?
Guest:That's how you learned about fucking?
Guest:Yeah, he was my first, well, you know, yeah.
Marc:Isn't that an amazing moment?
Marc:I was thinking about that.
Marc:I don't know if I talked about it on the show.
Marc:I think I wrote about it in my book.
Marc:You already want to do something.
Marc:Your groin has a calling at a certain age.
Marc:You're like, oh my God, it needs to do something.
Marc:But you're not real clear on what it's supposed to do.
Guest:I had sexual feelings for boys in my class, but then you're like, I just want to fucking hold his hand so bad.
Guest:You're like, I just want to... I don't know what to do after that.
Marc:I want to rub him.
Marc:I want to rub on him.
Guest:Yeah, you don't even know.
Marc:But that first time you see how the equipment fits together, it's like, oh my God!
Marc:that is the most amazing thing it's like the universe opens up it goes in there right god damn it right yeah and then you just feed that into your hard drive and you're like you know what to jerk off to as opposed to just a vague sensation that's followed by like a oh god what's happening that's good now you can attach imagery to it all right
Guest:I think I couldn't understand why girls wanted that, because it looks painful.
Guest:You don't understand that that might... He's stabbing me.
Guest:Right.
Guest:So for the longest time, I was like, oh, this is a nightmare.
Guest:Like, I have to do this.
Guest:At some point in my life, the pressure, you know?
Marc:That thing's got to go... Yeah.
Guest:What?
Guest:Oh, my God.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:That's so awful.
Guest:And then my mom bought me this book called The What's Happening to My Body Book for Girls.
Yeah.
Guest:Do you remember that shit?
Marc:Did anyone get that?
Guest:Diagrams.
Marc:Yes.
Guest:Oh, you got that.
Guest:What's happening to me?
Guest:Something like that.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:What's happening to me?
Marc:Maybe that was the version your parents gave you.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:You got the bargain bin.
Marc:You were a problem.
Marc:That was the second.
Guest:But what a fearful.
Marc:You can't use the general one.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:What a fearful title.
Guest:What's happening to me?
Guest:As opposed to like, oh, it's just puberty, kid, which would have been a better title.
Marc:Did it have pictures or anything?
Guest:Not even photos.
Guest:Drawings, like modest, creepy drawings.
Guest:Like, pubic hair looks like this, and then just creepy, swirly.
Marc:Like clinical?
Guest:So clinical, so boring.
Marc:My parents had the joy of sex.
Marc:That was fucking ridiculous.
Guest:That's terrifying.
Marc:Because they were really realistic people.
Marc:Hippies, right?
Marc:Troopy hippies, you know, like a long-haired dude.
Marc:Some hippie lady.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:and so advanced like it's so advanced like who the fuck has time to put your hands together like this give it an around the way and you're like I don't want to do that when you're married too you're like just I don't know let me lay on my side just why are we talking yeah you're married to a fucking comic yeah Tom Segura very funny guy oh he's so great
Marc:He is great.
Marc:I know, I love him.
Marc:When I met you up in Grand Rapids for the first time, and you guys, you were both, no, you were just up there, not Tom.
Marc:But I was married to a fledgling comic who unfledged.
Marc:She's out.
Marc:You were?
Marc:Yeah, I was married to a comic.
Marc:I didn't know that.
Marc:But she wasn't really a working comic quite.
Marc:But you guys are both funny in your own right.
Marc:You both work.
Marc:Right.
Marc:So it must be a little better than having one of you resent the other one for standing in their way somehow.
Yeah.
Guest:Yeah, I imagine that's what it... I mean, look, Tom and I are lucky in that we both started at the same time.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And we both have, like, a level of success that we're happy with and we're happy people.
Guest:So, like, thank God, dude.
Guest:Because I imagine that the competition's crazy if you just hate each other, right?
Marc:The biggest problem was, like...
Marc:like, because she was starting out, was that I would watch her, and we were very clear about, like, you know, you're going to do your own thing, I'm going to do my thing.
Marc:You know, I don't want to step on your shit, I don't want you to resent me for that.
Marc:But little did I know that there was no way that wasn't going to happen.
Marc:So the hardest thing is watching the person you love do comedy and having that moment where, like,
Guest:I know, I know.
Marc:This isn't working out.
Marc:I know.
Marc:Not the marriage, the bit.
Marc:I know.
Marc:I thought the marriage was going fine, but I was like, oh, she's got to punch that up.
Marc:Do I suggest something?
Marc:You know what I mean?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:And then you start saying things like, I don't think you're really clicking with what's funny about you, but you're close.
Marc:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Marc:Did you ever do that?
Marc:No, dude, no.
Guest:No, because I married someone.
Guest:I think he's so funny that I aspire to be where he is.
Guest:You know what I'm saying?
Guest:I don't know.
Guest:But I couldn't imagine, because I know comics that have done that, where they date open micers.
Marc:You're making it sound like a... Sorry, is this terrible?
Marc:I'm such an asshole.
Marc:Like an AA crime.
Marc:Right, I know.
Marc:Where the sober dude for five years says, there's a confused girl that's just getting clean.
Guest:Yeah, totally.
Marc:Why don't I fuck her life up?
Guest:Totally.
Guest:Because I can't even be friends with people I don't think are funny.
Guest:You know what I mean?
Guest:Like, let alone have sex with them and have a life with them.
Guest:Like, oh, that's great.
Guest:You're doing good.
Guest:You just keep trying.
Guest:Just get out there.
Guest:You can't lie.
Guest:You can't lie.
Marc:It's hard.
Marc:It was hard.
Marc:But I really thought she was going to click into it.
Marc:Because sometimes people get funny.
Guest:Yes.
Guest:Absolutely.
Guest:And the older and awfuler your life becomes, the funnier you get.
Guest:Don't you find?
Marc:The less you give a fuck and the angrier you get, the funny just comes.
Guest:I agree.
Guest:And the more you admit to awfulness, I find having awful thoughts and feelings makes you a lot better.
Marc:Well, you really own that shit.
Marc:I mean, you just get out there and I'm like, ah, fuck it.
Marc:Look at me.
Guest:Yeah, I give up.
Guest:I do.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I have a little bit.
Marc:Have you?
Guest:Well, no, I mean, you know, I've been doing stand-up just 11 years or whatever.
Guest:In my 20s.
Marc:That's enough.
Marc:That's good.
Guest:Yeah, it's enough to like.
Marc:It's a lot.
Marc:You're there.
Guest:To love and hate and, you know.
Marc:No, you're almost a veteran.
Guest:Really?
Marc:Oh, my gosh.
Marc:Yeah, another two years, you're one of the old people.
Guest:That's so great.
Guest:Yeah, because in my 20s, I think that nobody cared for me.
Guest:Nobody could stand me talking.
Guest:Because really, who the hell wants to hear a 20-year-old talk about anything?
Guest:And then you hit 30, and then life happens, and you're fatter and bitter, and it's great.
Yeah.
Guest:And that's where comedy's from, right?
Marc:Well, how do you answer the thing about, like, women?
Guest:Oh, yeah, in comedy?
Guest:Because, like, I know the answer.
Marc:For some reason, like, and I don't know, now people criticize me for asking you that question.
Marc:Oh, does he have to talk about women in comedy just because she's a woman?
Marc:Yes!
Guest:Yeah, of course.
Marc:Who else am I supposed to talk to?
Marc:Like, there's this weird sort of politically correct, like, pseudo-evolved fucking... It's ridiculous.
Marc:Like, that you're not gonna... Can't people just be people?
Marc:No!
Marc:She's a chick.
Marc:And I'm gonna talk about chick shit with her.
Guest:You can do that, bro.
Marc:Thanks, bro.
Guest:Because...
Marc:real comic yeah okay go ahead okay what do you want well my yeah the way I see it it's like not and unfairly so not like any other workplace where where there's less women right there's just less women doing comedy I mean if I was hard-pressed to make a big list of women comics that I know I mean how many are there
Guest:Yeah, there's like five of us working.
Guest:No, literally.
Guest:Like actively doing the circuit, there's just so few.
Guest:And I think some of that is that it's just not conducive to chicks doing it.
Guest:Like when I had a feature coming up, you know, you're doing real shitholes.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Real dangerous places.
Guest:You know, hibachi grills in Florida.
Guest:Sure, sure.
Guest:Where guys are wearing jean shorts and they're barefoot and they've got tattoos.
Guest:And you're like, I'm going to get killed tonight.
Guest:Or just raped if I'm lucky.
Guest:Like, that's the horrible.
Marc:That's like, whoa.
Marc:Did shit happen?
Guest:No.
Guest:And that's the, I mean, God, knock on wood.
Guest:The blessing of it is that the world's not so scary.
Guest:It's not as scary as my parents told me it was.
Marc:Or TV tell us.
Guest:Or TV, yes.
Guest:And I've been so fortunate to never have had those bad things.
Guest:But it is a harder row to hoe, man.
Guest:Is that the right saying?
Marc:Sure.
Guest:Is it row to row?
Guest:Row to hoe.
Guest:Wouldn't it be what?
Guest:What?
Guest:Row.
Marc:Row?
Marc:What does that mean?
Guest:There's a... You farm.
Guest:Oh, it's farming.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Oh, it's a row that's... Right.
Marc:Like, if there's, like, roots and rocks, that would be a harder road to... It's a harder... And... Oh.
Guest:And can I tell you... Okay, my social theory on this, because I've fucking been thinking about this for, like, 10 years, too.
Guest:Women are socialized to be pleasers.
Guest:Right?
Guest:We're socialized to get along and to facilitate good feelings for everybody all the time.
Guest:So the act of stand-up comedy, it's just you and a mic, and you're basically being like, you guys can fucking suck it.
Guest:Like, at least in my head, that's where my energy is from.
Guest:But in a fun, loving, whatever.
Guest:You know what I mean?
Guest:Like, it's about asserting your power, and that's a really tricky thing in society, and it's still not worked out, and that's why people hate female comics to some extent.
Guest:Like, there's a love-hate thing going on, I think.
Guest:Either you love female comics, or you just, like, people just hate them.
Marc:Right, but also, but I think it is a harder row to hoe.
Guest:Nailed it, Maren.
Guest:Hey-o, good job.
Marc:But I think that the broads that do it, right?
Marc:Am I right?
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:They got a fucking X to them.
Marc:I mean, they're like fucking up there doing it.
Marc:It's about connecting with the audience.
Marc:And you're right.
Marc:They have been socialized improperly.
Marc:That's a bigger issue that you or I can't really fix.
Marc:Except in our own little way like we're doing right now.
Marc:There you go.
Marc:If you're listening to this, stop expecting women to help you because they won't.
Marc:They just do it to help themselves ultimately.
Marc:Oh, did I fuck that up?
Guest:No, and that, too, and I think, like, you know, female, like, we're rewarded for just being hot.
Guest:Like, you look at what society rewards or media, and it's Kim Kardashian.
Guest:It's like, I'm just hot, and I had a baby, and I'm back to being 100 pounds, and we're supposed to be really excited for that.
Guest:A hero!
Guest:Yeah, like, oh, my God, you did it, Kourtney!
Guest:And, uh...
Marc:it's like i don't and i tour and outside of la like nobody gives a about the kardashians isn't that the greatest thing about america it's awesome that you just go out there and there's just people living their lives yeah yeah and the whole thing about the scary thing is true too it's like you you're led to believe that if you just go in out into the world that like at every corner there's a guy waiting to kill you
Marc:or something fucking horrible is going to happen.
Marc:And the truth of the matter is, having been on the road for a long time, if you sense one of those fucking whack jobs, you sense them.
Marc:If there's someone in the audience that's a bad seed, I know it within seconds.
Marc:I can stand in the back of the room and just feel a room and be like, that table is going to be a problem.
Guest:Yep.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:And sure enough, right at the beginning, they're there.
Marc:There's chaos.
Marc:There's a vibe emanating.
Marc:And they're going to fucking bring the rest of the goddamn place down with them.
Guest:Yeah, I can even hear it sometimes backstage.
Marc:Right, right.
Guest:That table, like that gaggle of girls is like, oh, my God, it's my birthday.
Guest:And they're like, oh, no.
Guest:The birthday table's here.
Guest:Here that comes.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:So I'll get in trouble if I don't talk about Road Rules because my girlfriend loves you.
Marc:Uh-oh.
Marc:So Road Rules, she loved that show and she loved you on it.
Marc:I guess that's all I have to say about it.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:It's so old.
Marc:Yeah, but I just wanted to say that.
Guest:How old is she?
Guest:Because then she must have grown up a bit.
Marc:She's younger.
Guest:Can we leave it at that?
Sorry.
Marc:She's 29.
Marc:She's 29.
Guest:Okay, yeah, so she probably grew up watching it.
Guest:You know what's so funny?
Guest:I've done all these shows.
Guest:She was probably just a tot.
Guest:Diapers just watching me on road.
Marc:I didn't know her then, so I'm good.
Marc:This didn't start then.
Guest:Whatever.
Guest:No, I've done other TV shows, but that road rules.
Guest:No, I'm just saying that it resonates with people on some level.
Guest:That's the show people always remember me from, and I'm kind of glad because...
Guest:I thankfully wasn't a douchebag on that show.
Guest:And it's really easy to be a douchebag on Road Rules.
Guest:I'm kind of lucky.
Guest:I was 20 years old.
Guest:I was angry.
Guest:And I was a philosophy major.
Guest:And I chain smoked.
Guest:I got a tramp stamp on that thing.
Guest:What do you got back there?
Guest:I got a Chinese dragon.
Guest:It's so embarrassing.
Guest:But not as embarrassing as what my castmates did.
Guest:Two of them got the Road Rules symbol on their bodies.
Guest:And I contemplated it, so I can't really throw stones.
Marc:You went with the dragon, though.
Guest:The cool dragon, yeah.
Guest:Just that one.
Marc:Yeah, and that was before tramp stamps were really huge, right?
Guest:I'm a trendsetter, Mark.
Marc:Yeah, yeah.
Marc:I remember the first time I saw a lizard on an ass, I'm like, I'm in trouble.
Guest:Are you tatted?
Guest:Do you have any?
Marc:No, no, hell no.
Marc:What am I going to do with that?
Marc:I mean, I can... No, I don't know what... I just... The only thing I could... The only thing I could ever think to put on me would be, like, my parents' address.
Marc:LAUGHTER
Marc:If found.
Guest:So great.
Guest:That's smart.
Marc:So what happened to Chelsea?
Marc:Let's do it.
Guest:Oh my gosh.
Marc:You were like a regular on there.
Marc:Now, do you like her?
Guest:You like her.
Guest:Can I tell you something?
Guest:Okay, well.
Guest:Okay, because I haven't told really the story because I've been ashamed.
Guest:Okay, I'll tell you what happened.
Guest:I got fired from Chelsea lately.
Guest:How does that happen?
Guest:I went, oh...
Guest:You guys are so sweet.
Guest:I did, and it's been like two years since, and it was one of those things where I was so... Listen, I've been fired a lot, okay?
Guest:I had 22 jobs before I became a comedian, and I was fired from a lot of them.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:But getting fired from that show really, it really, it was just a, it hurt.
Guest:Yeah, yeah.
Guest:But I was on, yeah, I was on the round table for like a year.
Guest:And then Jen Kirkman, who you know, left to go write on sitcom.
Guest:And then I ended up replacing her as a writer.
Guest:And I just, I fucking hated it.
Guest:I hate it every day.
Guest:I was so miserable.
Guest:I would get in my car and cry on the way home.
Guest:And I would just try to hang in there, you know, and you're like, maybe this will get better.
Guest:It's a writing job.
Guest:It's a writing gig.
Guest:And I was at the time, my husband and I were living in downtown LA and like just a one bedroom apartment, just broke as a joke.
Guest:Bert Kreischer, when he would pick up Tommy for gigs, wouldn't even stop the car.
Guest:He was so afraid.
Guest:He was just kind of like, bro, come down here, and then take off.
Guest:Yeah, so we were broke, and I was just hoping it would get better.
Guest:So I got fired after writing on that show for just a month.
Guest:But no, don't feel bad for me.
Guest:In retrospect now, because I see a shrink too, like once a week, I work out my shit.
Guest:I think my ego didn't want me to write for someone else.
Guest:And that sounds really horrible, but the whole time I was writing jokes,
Guest:For other people, I was just like, why am I writing jokes for this girl?
Guest:I should be writing jokes for this girl.
Guest:And it was in that process where I was like, what am I doing?
Guest:And I'm sure they picked up on that.
Guest:That I had animosity and resentment.
Guest:You had the fuck you face?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:You want more jokes?
Guest:Yeah, I was probably the worst employee.
Guest:And I've always been a bad employee.
Guest:Historically.
Guest:So it prompted me to go on the road and really hammer it out and really try to do my thing.
Marc:I think you found a rare gift in a shrink that actually tells you to honor your ego's desires.
Marc:That guy's got a real racket going.
Marc:I know, right?
Marc:Hey, you got to follow what the ego tells you to do because it certainly knows best.
Marc:That's where ambition is.
Guest:That's so good.
Guest:Oh, my God, you're right.
Guest:I'm the worst person ever.
Marc:No, you're not.
Marc:I'm just saying it's just a rare moment where it's sort of like, hey, your ego made the right decision.
Marc:That's something you never hear in therapy.
Guest:No, I don't think she validated.
Guest:I think she validated the fact that I'm way happier now.
Marc:Well, I'm glad you did it.
Marc:Fuck it, who cares?
Guest:Right, but at the time, if you've been fired, it's fucking appalling.
Marc:It's really terrible.
Marc:Yeah, it's humiliating.
Marc:But you wanted it.
Guest:Can I tell you, I did subconsciously, I believe.
Guest:The best part is, is the girl from accounting had to walk me out to my car.
Guest:With your box?
Guest:With your box of bullshit!
Guest:And I had brought so much bullshit.
Guest:Like, I had a Gigi Allen bobblehead...
Guest:Like, yeah, that's a Chelsea fit-in, right?
Guest:If there's one thing Handler likes, it's Gigi Allen.
Guest:And, you know, just stupid, I had all these dumb tchotchkes, and then I'm in my box, and this poor girl from accounting had the task of walking me to my car so that I'd get out of the parking lot, and then I have to give back the past.
Guest:And at one point I was crying and I was like, um, can we stop in the stairwell so that I can cry before I get in my car?
Guest:This poor girl had to watch me cry.
Guest:That poor bitch, there's no way she thought that would happen to her that day when she went to work.
Guest:She had to watch some stupid comic cry in the stairwell.
Marc:How long did you go for?
Guest:Oh, the crying?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Just like a good 15.
Guest:And then...
Guest:I can't believe this.
Guest:I actually tried.
Guest:Like all that fucking ridiculousness.
Guest:Can I explain this to my parents?
Guest:And the best part is I had just switched from a Blackberry to an iPhone.
Guest:And so I get in my car and I don't know how to dial my husband because I just switched over and I'm panicked.
Guest:Like, tell my husband I got fired.
Guest:So, yeah.
Guest:So the best part is I was scheduled to do the round table two days later after having been canned.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And I'm in Vegas.
Guest:I just met my husband in Vegas.
Guest:He was working there.
Guest:So I drive back from Las Vegas.
Guest:I do it.
Guest:And it was great.
Guest:And it was fine.
Guest:And yeah, and I did it.
Guest:And I wish I could say that, you know, that Chelsea was mean to me or that they were dicks.
Guest:Like, they weren't.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:It totally wasn't like that.
Marc:So you're saying they made the right call.
Guest:They totally did.
Marc:Christina.
Guest:Thanks, guys.
Guest:Thanks for having me.
Guest:Yeah, you did it.
Guest:Thank you.
Marc:And you got to go.
Marc:You got to catch a plane?
Marc:Yeah, thank you for having me.
Guest:I appreciate it.
Marc:Nice to see you.
Marc:Yeah, you're awesome.
Marc:Thank you, guys.
Marc:I love it.
Marc:You guys are a great audience.
Marc:It's nice in here.
Marc:It's warm.
Marc:It's sweet.
Marc:This next guy, he's British, and he's a Jew.
Marc:Some of you are like, they have him there?
Marc:How do I want to enter him?
Marc:He's the son of Lynn and Andrew Kirshen.
Marc:Were you bar mitzvahed, Matt?
Marc:No, don't come out.
Marc:His podcast is probably science.
Marc:Please welcome the man, Matt Kirshen.
Marc:Thank you.
Guest:Yeah, I had the full Pemitzvah and everything.
Marc:So why is it such a Jewy show for me?
Marc:Why am I so Jewy sometimes?
Guest:I don't know, but what's freaking you out is that a British Jew is less Jewy than a New York Gentile.
Guest:I think that's the problem.
Guest:That's exactly what it is.
Guest:I'm thinking all my New York friends, like Paul Provenza or someone like that who grew up as an Italian.
Guest:He's an Italian New Yorker.
Guest:He's ten times Jewier than I am.
Guest:And he still has his thing.
Marc:But I remember the first time that I found out that there were Jews in Britain.
Marc:I mean, of course there are.
Marc:Yeah, of course.
Guest:Of course it's much closer to where Jews came from.
Marc:I know, but they don't have a great time over there.
Marc:I mean, culturally, I ran into casual anti-Semitism everywhere in Britain.
Marc:Everywhere.
Marc:Just sort of like they're not afraid to like Jew it down.
Marc:They say Jew it down.
Marc:Do they say that really to you?
Marc:Yeah, right to my face.
Guest:Yeah, but that might just be, you know, you're being Jew-y.
Marc:Oh, so you guys have had to just stuff your Jew into this weird British thing.
Guest:But I don't know.
Guest:I don't know.
Guest:Was it actually anti-Semitism or was it anti-Americanism that you sort of went, nah, they don't like me because I'm Jewish.
Marc:And I'm like, no, it's the American thing.
Marc:No, no, someone used the word, someone knew I was Jewish and then said something along the lines of Jew-ing someone down, like to my face.
Marc:Really?
Marc:in relation to, like, is this something you do?
Guest:Because I was a Jew for 20, like, 27 years in Britain before I came over here, and I never got that.
Marc:I never got Jew it down.
Marc:Who knows you're Jewish in Britain?
Marc:You all talk to say.
Marc:I'm school friends.
Marc:Yeah?
Marc:But they're not going to do it.
Marc:But you could pass, right, as a non-Jew, right?
Guest:Yeah, I could until I go to like a urinal or something like that then.
Guest:Because no one, like Americans are all snipped whether they're Jewish or not.
Guest:But like in Britain, there's a real distinction.
Guest:Oh, really?
Marc:Oh, yeah, yeah.
Marc:Do you show your dicks to each other a lot there?
Guest:Well, you know, to show them that you're not threatening or if necessary that you are threatening.
Marc:It's a calling card.
Marc:I just remember when I heard someone, like when I was in high school and someone said Bob Hoskins was Jewish, I'm like, how is that even possible?
Guest:Bob Hoskins?
Guest:Bob Hoskins, Shylock.
Guest:Uh...
Guest:All of them.
Guest:Shakespeare was English, and he put a Jew in his work.
Marc:Sure he did.
Marc:He defined the Jew for the anti-Semites for many years.
Marc:He gave us a gift with that one.
LAUGHTER
Guest:but it but no I I mean I I don't know it doesn't freak me out so much I should just get over it but I think it is it is less I think it's less of an identity but then it's less I think where your family's from is less of an identity anyway in Britain yeah I like people people like my friends when I was growing up like people don't
Guest:go like i you know you go like i'm an italian american or an irish american or whatever like the only people who would say that they were irish in britain were irish right like they're actually born and raised in ireland and have an irish accent like no one whose parents were irish would say they say like my parents were irish but they'd say i'm british right and it's i think you're less defined by by where your family's from of course but you know you that's because you come from there here everyone came from other places right there was a sort of that's how we built this thing
Guest:Right, but we, I mean, like, my family was like third or fourth generation.
Marc:Oh, really?
Guest:Like, they came over, they were pre-war.
Guest:I think they sort of, they were pogroms.
Guest:To Britain, you mean?
Guest:Yeah, yeah.
Guest:They were, they fled, like, Eastern Europe when.
Guest:And they went there.
Guest:And they fled to.
Guest:And that's why you talk like that.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Like, if they had come here, then you'd be like, hey, how are you?
Guest:Right?
Guest:Yeah, that's pretty much how it works, yeah.
Guest:Interesting.
Guest:I like that.
Guest:How long have you been doing comedy?
Guest:I think it's 11 or 12 years.
Guest:2001 was when I started.
Guest:What was the original goal for you as a child?
Guest:Is this what you were destined for?
Guest:From mid-teens.
Guest:When I was a child child, it was astronaut.
Guest:Sure.
Guest:And I was a science nerd.
Guest:You were?
Guest:Oh, yeah, totally.
Guest:So you're like a brainy guy?
Guest:Do your homework, kind of like, look what I did?
Guest:See, you strike me that way.
Guest:I was lazy, but good at it.
Guest:Oh, really?
Guest:So it was easy for you?
Guest:Yeah, until I went to university, and then it got really hard.
Guest:Like, I did a math degree, and then... You did a math degree?
Guest:Yeah, but then I had that experience, which I think was actually useful for becoming a stand-up later.
Guest:I had that experience of going from being really good to just really mediocre.
Guest:Which happens every time in stand-up, you take a step up a level.
Guest:That's what happens.
Guest:You're an open-miker, and then you're headlining the open mics, and then you go to be the open spot in the pro gig, and then you're right down in the middle.
Guest:And each time it happens, you step up a level, and you're playing with the bigger guys.
Guest:And you did all the levels.
Guest:And that's what happened to me at university.
Guest:School, I found relatively easy.
Guest:I think that's why I didn't like you.
Guest:Right, that'll be it.
Marc:You sort of exude, sort of like, oh, I can do this, I can do that.
Marc:You know what I mean?
Marc:Nothing athletic, but I mean, but you could...
Marc:Like, I'm a very undisciplined smart guy, but I just knew that you were like, oh, do you have a problem with that?
Marc:Let me just get a piece of paper.
Marc:Oh, I see you didn't carry the thing.
Guest:But, like, university was a shock.
Guest:Like, university was a proper shock to me.
Guest:I came from, I was, like, school I found easy, and then university I nearly got thrown out.
Guest:Like, I just went from being like, because I tried to coast that as well, and I couldn't.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Did you freak out?
Guest:Did you have a meltdown at college?
Guest:No, but I had to claim I had to let me stay.
Guest:Really?
Guest:Yeah, I had to completely bullshit.
Guest:I bullshitted a breakdown.
Guest:For why?
Guest:Because I failed my exams, and that was the only reason that they'd let me stay.
Marc:Why'd you sell that one?
Guest:I don't know, but it took some work.
Guest:It took proper effort, but that was my second year at university.
Guest:I probably shouldn't be saying this out loud, but I don't think they can take the certificate back now.
Guest:And even if they did, it's not like I have to show my degree to get a gig.
Marc:That's right.
Guest:You're not using it anyways, right?
Guest:Yeah, no, I haven't used it at any point since leaving there since graduating.
Marc:So you got a head full of fucking math, man?
Guest:Not anymore.
Guest:I did.
Guest:What kind of math?
Guest:How did you go?
Guest:I did mostly the pure math courses.
Guest:What does that even mean?
Guest:It means that...
Marc:I didn't know there was a quality degree.
Marc:You're dealing with the dirty shit.
Marc:You know what I mean?
Marc:That's not real math.
Guest:It says pure and applied, and what it meant was there's basically an applied mathematics.
Marc:Okay, okay.
Marc:Applied mathematics.
Marc:That's just sort of like, I have two of these.
Guest:Yeah, that's pretty much it.
Marc:And now there's one.
Marc:That's applied mathematics.
Guest:And then the pure mathematics is like, okay, you say you've got two of these.
Guest:Now really prove that you do.
Guest:Look.
Guest:Look.
Guest:There's two things.
Guest:There was an analysis course that was rigorous to the point of... We spent a whole lecture proving that if you've got a line there and there's a dot below it and a dot above it, if you connect those two dots, then it'll cross the line.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:And that was a lecture.
Guest:That was a lecture?
Guest:That was a whole lecture, just kind of proving that that thing goes through that thing.
Marc:See, this is the kind of personality I am.
Marc:I would have been like, oh, this is bullshit.
Marc:And I would have gotten up, went to the board, and just did it.
Marc:I'm like...
Marc:We good?
Marc:And I get a big laugh, and I'd be like, ah, ha, ha.
Marc:And I look at the teacher with the, follow that fucker face.
Marc:That's who I was.
Marc:Yeah, and I was too well behaved.
Marc:I was scared.
Marc:But I think you're breaking out, man.
Marc:So what brought you over here?
Marc:Because you're here now, right?
Marc:I see you around a lot.
Guest:What brought me over here in the first place was I did Last Comic Standing, which kind of happened by accident almost.
Guest:They were auditioning in London, and someone I knew was helping to run those London auditions.
Guest:I was like the one season when they did that.
Guest:And I just went to the comedy store in London, did that thing, and got through.
Guest:and didn't even realize, like no one in London, none of my friends or anything knew what the show really was or knew what the deal was with it.
Guest:You know when they show the LA auditions and there's people lining up around the block?
Guest:For the London one, they had to hire extras to stand in that line.
Guest:If you watch back season five, there's a guy dressed as a beef eater and then it's like a queen look-alike.
Guest:I think they had that kind of planned anyway, but then for the actual thing, they're like, this doesn't look good.
Guest:Because everyone was really suspicious of it.
Guest:Like, who are these Americans and what are they doing here and why...
Guest:And then we all sort of showed up, and then some of us ended up in America, and then we're like, oh, shit, quite a lot of people watch this thing.
Marc:Oh, and you're just thrown into the gladiator ring.
Guest:Yeah, totally.
Guest:And then I didn't realize all the nonsense that went with it either.
Guest:I thought you just do the shows, and then they vote on you.
Marc:Oh, no, you've got to live with the other people.
Guest:I was the one season where we didn't all live together.
Guest:We were in a hotel.
Guest:They didn't film us living together, but they still made me dress up in a jester's costume and tell jokes in medieval times.
Guest:Why?
Guest:No, well, all of us.
Guest:Yeah, they didn't even film it either.
Guest:This wasn't filmed.
Guest:It was just like the producers made me do it.
Guest:They made me do all sorts of things.
Marc:Get the guy with the funny voice in here and put him in an outfit.
Guest:But, yeah, it was a weird experience, but that's what got me over here and got me in a position where I had my visa and I had some people who'd come out and see me when I did gigs, and then I just carried on from there.
Marc:Well, the weird thing about where you came up doing comedy is, like, the one thing that we don't know about it, which, like, some people are starting to do now, is, like, if you're centered in Europe, your one-nighters and your road gigs are, like, fucking Dubai and, like, you know, you go to, like, Norway or Scandinavia.
Marc:Like, it's just, like...
Guest:Yeah, there's this whole circuit of gigs in different countries, mostly playing to expats, but some locals.
Marc:Have you done those?
Guest:Yeah, absolutely.
Guest:Some of them are really fun, and then some of them are really weird and awkward.
Guest:Well, let's hear about one of those.
Guest:Well, Dubai I find unpleasant.
Guest:You went to Dubai?
Guest:Yeah, I've been to Dubai, and I don't like that country.
Guest:I'm sure you've got some Dubai listeners, but fuck them.
Guest:LAUGHTER
Guest:I don't know.
Guest:The country just feels like... The people we were gigging to, anyway, for the most part, feel like people have moved from a country to somewhere where they can just construct their own class system.
Marc:Isn't it like a magical kingdom?
Guest:Well, it kind of is.
Guest:A magical kingdom built on slavery.
Marc:That's how all magical kingdoms are built.
Guest:Right, exactly.
Marc:Below the surface.
Marc:They leave that out of the fairy tales generally.
Guest:As long as you don't pay attention to the fact that it's all built by sort of Indian laborers who are technically paid, but paid far below a living wage and they don't have their passports and they can't work their way back.
Guest:And then you find that out and it's like, well, this is really uncomfortable.
Guest:Did you open with that?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:What up, Dubai?
Guest:Here's something I noticed about you people.
It's...
Guest:It was weird.
Guest:Also, any of those gigs, whenever you go there, they try to show you where the hookers are.
Guest:They try to show you where the... You get there, and you're met by... They're often run by some guy who's lived out there for 20 years.
Guest:And then you do the gig, and they're like, right, let's go out and have some fun.
Guest:What that always means is we're going to go somewhere where there are prostitutes nearby, and I'm going to be awkward.
Guest:It's just going to be uncomfortable.
Marc:What do you end up doing in that situation?
Guest:Well, in one case, what we ended up doing was me and two other comics.
Guest:It was Roe Campbell and Janice Fair.
Guest:And we ended up... Janice?
Guest:They bring women to this?
Guest:Oh, yeah, yeah.
Guest:There's this place in Singapore that's called Orchard Towers that's locally known as Four Floors of Whores.
LAUGHTER
Guest:But, like, there's this bar and it's huge.
Guest:Like, every level's got different bars.
Guest:And they're not technically brothels, but every woman in there, apart from, like, me and, like, a few other... Like, the comedian I was with.
Guest:Like, pretty much all the women in there are for hire, but...
Guest:But they've got like a live band playing.
Guest:There's like a Filipino covers band.
Guest:And we nearly got chucked out of a stage diving.
Guest:Like we were like hammered and dancing and being dicks and jumping around.
Guest:And like the bouncer gets closer and closer.
Guest:We're like, we might want to stop doing this now.
Marc:You were disrupting business.
Marc:You were having the wrong kind of fun.
Guest:Yeah, and I found it so uncomfortable because I didn't want to go home with anyone.
Guest:I've got nothing ethically against prostitution.
Guest:I think if someone wants to make a living that way, good for them.
Guest:But I didn't want to do that.
Guest:And what got me was I kept... Every so often you catch the eye of one of the women and they go from chatting to their friends to sort of smiling at you.
Guest:And I recognize that as the same smile I do when I leave a gig and bump into one of the audience members.
LAUGHTER
Guest:It's that same face.
Guest:You know the face you do when you're leaving a gig or you're selling merch or whatever and you're chatting to your friend and then someone comes up and might buy a CD and you're like, hey, how's it going?
Guest:Smiley making eyes.
Marc:Do you generally fuck those people for money?
Guest:At the end of your gig?
Guest:You get to sell CDs to proper fans, but I've got to do something.
Guest:You've got to make a living on the road.
Marc:The prostitute thing, that's not my bag.
Guest:No, it's not.
Guest:I don't know.
Guest:It just feels like it's taking out the sense of achievement.
Marc:That's exactly right.
Marc:That's exactly right.
Marc:You don't have to earn it unless you ask him to act that way, I guess.
Marc:Right.
Marc:Like if you pay a prostitute, like how much is it?
Marc:Let's say it's like $100.
Marc:And then you go, well, how much would it be if you acted like I'm really getting over on you?
Marc:And they're like, oh, that's $500 for me to put down that.
Guest:Right.
Guest:Or just give them the money and ask one of their friends to chat you up later.
Guest:But don't tell me which one it is.
Guest:Then maybe I'll think like it could be like maybe this is a friend or maybe she stiffed me for the money and this is a genuine encounter between a woman who's just spied me for the first time and really fancies me.
Guest:That's what I have to do psychologically.
Marc:It seems like an available fantasy.
Marc:You could probably get that.
Guest:Yeah, or I could just... Not do it at all.
Guest:Not do it and save my money on that front.
Marc:Okay, so Dubai.
Marc:Did you go to Scandinavia?
Marc:They want me to go to Norway.
Marc:Did you go to Norway?
Guest:I've not gone to Norway.
Guest:I've gone to Finland.
Guest:How was that?
Guest:It was really fun.
Guest:The weird thing about that gig was I was closing the show and I was the only non-Finnish act on the bill.
Guest:So the whole show was in Finnish and I couldn't understand a word of it.
Guest:I don't even know what that sounds like.
Guest:It's really odd, and you don't, you know, I like to listen to the rest of a show to find out what people are talking about, so you don't step on any material.
Guest:I didn't even know when it was time for me to be introduced, because the MC was in Finnish, and every so often he sounded like he was building up to saying my name, and I sort of turned to the other comic backstage and go, is he about to, and he's like, no, no, no, he's talking about shoes.
LAUGHTER
Guest:And then he sort of ramped it up again, and then I go out.
Guest:But it's cool, because they love comedy out there.
Guest:The Scandinavian countries, I don't think Finland's technically Scandinavia, but that whole part of the world, they love comedy.
Guest:They've got a kind of bleak, dark sense of humor.
Guest:Oh, I've got to go there, then.
Guest:Yeah, and their English is remarkably fluent.
Guest:Like, it's insultingly good.
Guest:Really?
Guest:Yeah, you go there and just go, I can't speak any languages to a fraction of the level that you can speak six.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And is everybody beautiful there?
Guest:They're beautiful and tall, and it's ridiculous.
Guest:Like, I've never felt like such a hobbit.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:My tall English Jew, like, pale face, and they're all like... I know one guy who went to Scandinavia, and he was blown away because he stopped at a convenience store, and he walked in, and he thought, like...
Marc:Why is there a supermodel working at the 7-Eleven?
Guest:Right.
Guest:There'll be a woman just walking behind the bar and she'll be six foot and stunning.
Guest:In any other place, she'd walk into the place and everyone would just go, huh?
Guest:But you don't because everyone looks like that.
Guest:Not everyone.
Guest:That sounds good.
Guest:There's something in the jeans.
Guest:Most places where the jeans got isolated, it doesn't work well.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Like, normally, you want to be mixing genetics.
Guest:You want to be mixing areas for people to turn out not weird.
Guest:But for some reason, they just hit some sweet spot in that little peninsula.
Marc:Matt Kirshen, ladies and gentlemen.
Guest:Thank you.
Marc:Yeah, you can move down.
Marc:All right, so lock in, folks, because this guy's generally aggravated.
Marc:I've known him for a long time, and quite frankly, early on, he was just too aggravated for me, even.
Marc:But I think he seems to have leveled off a bit.
Marc:He's got a movie that he wrote and directed that's premiering on Comedy Central called Jason Nash is Married.
Marc:I don't know.
Marc:I think that's probably what the emphasis is as well, right?
Marc:Please welcome Jason Nash to the podcast.
Marc:Thank you.
Marc:Hi, Jason.
Marc:Mark.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Wow.
Marc:Here we go.
Marc:This is fucking great.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Even now, you're exuding an intensity that I find.
Guest:I know, I know.
Guest:We don't get along.
Guest:I don't know what to tell you.
Guest:No, we get along, but you're just always so wired up.
Guest:I know, I know.
Guest:My father fucking ruined me at an early age, Mark.
Guest:What can I tell you?
Guest:Good open.
Guest:I'm a mess.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:All right, first of all, I love the show.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:I'll start with a couple things.
Guest:Sure, sure.
Guest:I love the show.
Guest:I listen to the show when I work out, and I'm fat as shit, so I need to get something else.
Guest:You look all right.
Guest:No, no, no.
Guest:Okay, all right, all right.
Guest:All right, so...
Guest:I fucking love, love the show.
Guest:And you are, I mean, up and down.
Guest:Sometimes I want to fucking drive over to wherever you live in the barrio.
Guest:I don't know where you live.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Smack you around.
Guest:Sometimes I'm fucking lifting weights and crying.
Guest:I'm going, oh, yeah, man.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Sometimes.
Guest:So I'll just share two things.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:You're super fucking talented at this.
Guest:Thank you very much.
Guest:You're a great... I've always liked your stand-up.
Guest:Thank you.
Guest:You have no idea how to interpret your own dreams.
Guest:You are the worst interpreter of your own dreams I have ever fucking heard in my... I scream on the treadmill.
Guest:I go, that's so fucking obvious, Mark.
Guest:Can't you see?
Guest:Which one are you talking about?
Guest:Okay, like, you'll be like, I had this dream where Louis apologized.
Guest:What does that mean?
Guest:Like, you want Louis to fucking apologize.
LAUGHTER
Guest:Like, that's what it fucking means.
Marc:And he did on his show.
Marc:I heard it.
Marc:It was great.
Guest:So the other day, you had a dream, and I want to tell you what it was.
Guest:I want to tell you.
Guest:You guys probably heard it.
Guest:It might have been the...
Guest:It was the Andy Dick.
Guest:It was the Andy Dick live show.
Guest:And you go, I had this dream.
Guest:My brother's killing on stage.
Guest:And then my mother comes out.
Guest:And I'm mad that my brother's killing on stage.
Guest:And my mother comes out and throws candy at me.
Guest:Good and Plenties.
Guest:Good and Plenties at me.
Guest:I mean, that's so fucking obvious.
What?
Guest:What?
Guest:Your mother.
Guest:Your mother is throwing candy.
Guest:That's the ideal fucking thing that any man would want.
Guest:Like, that is the most picturesque thing in the world.
Guest:Your mother is throwing.
Guest:It's so obvious.
Guest:You.
Marc:But my mother would be doing it so she wouldn't eat it.
Marc:See, that's it.
Guest:Okay, well, let me tell you what I think it is.
Guest:You took a long time to maybe have some success, and so now the fucking candy is the success, and your mother's saying, shut the fuck up and be fucking happy.
Guest:Take the candy.
Guest:Well, what's my brother doing killing then?
Guest:Okay, the brother is everybody else.
Guest:When you look around and go, oh, fuck that guy.
Guest:That guy is fucking better than me.
Guest:That's the brother.
Guest:And because it's your brother, it's...
Guest:much closer and it's that much fucking like okay okay to your soul yeah and uh i just that just blew me away so and i i can't i can't really like accept any kind of good either yeah so like i have a really really pretty wife and uh and nice kids yeah and not pretty very nice she's very pretty and i mean that's i didn't mean to say that she's pretty i remember her she's very she's beautiful and and uh and um
Guest:And I can't stand them.
Guest:I mean, I hate them so much.
Marc:Actively?
Marc:Like, do you say this to them, or do you just stuff all this?
Guest:No, if I keep Becky quiet.
Marc:What do you think that's about?
Guest:No, I do love them.
Guest:I obviously love them, and my fucking wife's boss is listening to this.
Guest:So, please, let's be clear.
Guest:I love my wife and my two children, but...
Guest:I fucking want to run out the door every day.
Guest:Really?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:You know you can do that.
Guest:See, I look at your life, and I say, like, you're on the road and whatever, and I'm like, I wish I could just fucking go and do that, but it's not me, because I can't stand going into the improv at, like, 1030.
Marc:That's not the road.
Marc:That's down the street.
Guest:Yeah, whatever.
Guest:Even worse.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:I can't stand going in and, like, save people.
Marc:Well, you always were, like, if I can say a few things about you, you were always a very raw and troubled kid.
Marc:And, like, you came into comedy sort of around the side.
Marc:I remember first seeing you down the lower side.
Marc:I remember the first time I met you.
Marc:What happened?
Marc:Okay, so I go into Luna Lounge.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And I had done, I had, like, been doing some characters.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:You did one character as, like, a preacher or something.
Guest:Yeah, I did a character.
Guest:Well, you were yelling and sweaty and your hair was longer.
Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest:You know, it was dumb shit.
Guest:All right.
Guest:And I watched you on stage, and you did really well.
Guest:And then you were at the bar, and I had never said a fucking word to you, because you were Marc Maron, and you were kind of a big deal.
Marc:Not really.
Guest:I was a big dick.
Guest:You were then.
Guest:I was a dick.
Marc:All right, go ahead.
Guest:I don't know if you were.
Guest:And you looked up at me, and you go, there he is, the Lower East Side sensation.
Guest:I did?
Guest:Yeah, and I'd had like maybe one good show.
Guest:That's ridiculous.
Guest:Yeah, like two or three good shows.
Guest:That's condescending and horrible.
Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest:And then from that moment on, I was like, oh, yeah, that's what a comedian is.
Guest:I'm like, that's it.
Guest:I get it.
Guest:That's how I'm going to be from now on.
Guest:A dick?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Basically, I mean, you taught me a lot.
Guest:And then one time, one time I was on stage, I was on stage downtown.
Guest:This was like a couple years ago.
Guest:And I was fucking bawling really bad.
Guest:I remember that.
Guest:Hipster crowd.
Guest:Yeah, yeah.
Guest:Fuck, they hate me.
Guest:But you decided they hated you.
Marc:Hipsters hate me.
Marc:You decided that.
Guest:I remember that show.
Marc:I remember that show.
Marc:You psyched yourself out.
Guest:You said to me, I got off stage and you go, and I didn't want you to say anything to me.
Guest:But of course you did.
Guest:And you go, you go, you gave up out there.
Guest:I was kind of hoping he would have said exactly the same thing to you again, but more sarcastically.
Guest:There he is.
Guest:And I wanted to say to you, I didn't give up.
Guest:I did all the jokes.
Guest:I had no more jokes.
Guest:I had nothing else to do.
Marc:No, but here's what you want me.
Marc:Do you mind if I talk a little inside baseball?
Marc:Excuse us.
Marc:What happened was, you have a style where for some reason throughout your entire career you've completely decided, and I think it's conscious, to disregard timing.
Marc:And...
Guest:See, now that blows my mind because I really didn't think that.
Guest:You are like really, I'm being dead honest.
Guest:I consider myself to have pretty good timing.
Guest:I mean, no, I don't, but I mean, no one's ever told me this, so thank you.
Marc:No, see, now I feel like I did a bit.
Guest:No, I want to hear.
Guest:I want to hear.
Marc:This is like the third in a string of shitty things I've said to you.
Guest:But that's who you are.
Guest:Like, that's who you are.
Guest:Like, listen, that's who you are.
Guest:And I listen to the podcast.
Guest:Yes, Michael Showalter's a dick.
Guest:But, like, that story.
Guest:I didn't say that.
Guest:I didn't say that either.
Guest:No, this is what I wanted to say about Michael Showalter.
Guest:He's difficult.
Guest:Like, Michael Showalter saw that guy on the train.
Marc:That's a diplomatic word for dick.
Guest:No, no, no, no, no.
Guest:No, no, no.
Guest:Michael Showalter is one of my favorite comedians.
Guest:What?
Guest:He is.
Guest:He is.
Guest:I like Michael Showalter.
Guest:I love Michael Showalter.
Guest:Sorry.
Guest:And that guy saw Michael Showalter on the train, and he was bummed out with his experience with Michael Showalter.
Guest:He got the best Michael Showalter.
Guest:Like, that's the one we all get.
Guest:Like, that's it.
Guest:He wasn't being a dick.
Marc:Let me try to redefine what I said.
Marc:You get out on stage, and you start yelling immediately.
Marc:I know that trick.
Marc:Like, blah, blah, blah.
Marc:you know and then like you know it's daunting you're daunting all right there's no coddling there's no like hey how are you it's just like you like you come out and you're like yeah and then naturally like like how does this feel so like normally a roomful of people be like whoa what the fuck and then it just keeps going Jason
Marc:Like, there's no beat for them to sort of like, oh, it's an act, oh, it's funny.
Marc:It's like, what is, how come he's mad?
Marc:You know, and...
Guest:I know that's bad.
Guest:No, it's not bad.
Guest:Where's the timing?
Guest:How is my timing bad?
Guest:I really want to learn.
Guest:This is great.
Guest:I've never taken a stand-up class.
Marc:Probably should have.
Marc:I think you have good timing.
Marc:In the moment, like that night when I said you gave up and you said you didn't give up, the way that you give up is that you don't
Marc:pace yourself you're just sort of like you did all my jokes that's what you said I did all my jokes exactly you did all your jokes very quickly with that once you decided they weren't working you left no time in between them you didn't look at the audience you paced around and then I was like I fucking was basically like who wants to fucking fight yeah
Guest:Like, when the set doesn't go well, I'm like, I'll fucking kill you.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:You don't understand.
Marc:Literally, I just saw it happen.
Marc:It's like, boom, first joke.
Marc:Nothing.
Marc:Then I saw it happen.
Marc:You went, well, then fuck you.
Marc:I'm going to do this to the floor.
Guest:And then you just...
Guest:We've got to harness this somehow and make it... I've been hoping you would do that for 20 years.
Guest:I can't.
Guest:What?
Guest:I can't do it.
Guest:It's too late.
Guest:This is too late right now.
Guest:If stand-up was at 4 o'clock in the afternoon, I'd be great.
Guest:Yeah?
Guest:We need more gigs around 3.30.
Guest:I think you're great.
Guest:You're very passionate.
Guest:Jacob Dillon.
Guest:Okay, one other thing.
Guest:I'm sorry.
Guest:I'll let you go.
Marc:No, no.
Marc:It's your time.
Marc:What about Jacob Dillon?
Marc:I talked to him.
Guest:That was fucking fascinating.
Guest:Did you guys like the Jacob Dillon interview?
Guest:That was tricky.
Guest:I love Jacob Dillon.
Guest:I actually like his music.
Guest:That was like Ali Frazier.
Guest:Was it?
Guest:That interview was, I thought like, I was in the locker room after.
Guest:I was like, man, Maren was fucking in there.
Guest:dead.
Guest:I'm like, get him.
Guest:Fucking pound him.
Guest:Get it out of him.
Guest:We want to hear about Bob Dylan.
Guest:We want to hear about Bob Dylan.
Guest:Tell us about fucking Bob Dylan.
Guest:You know, and I know what you were doing.
Guest:You went about it the right way.
Guest:You were so good, Mark.
Guest:You went about it the right way.
Guest:You were like, I'm not going to fucking talk about Bob Dylan right away.
Guest:I'm going to fucking talk about my guitars.
I'm
Guest:Because I play guitar, and a lot of comics don't play guitar.
Guest:Let's see Louie play guitar.
Guest:And I'm going to rope him in with the guitars, and then I'll get in there.
Guest:He'll trust me.
Guest:We'll talk about Bob Dylan.
Guest:But what fucking Jacob Dylan did, he fucking, he fucked you so hard.
Guest:He fucked you so hard.
Guest:He was such a dick.
Guest:You start talking about guitars.
Guest:Like, okay, Mark, good job.
Guest:I'm like, good work, good work.
Guest:Fucking rope them in and get them going.
Guest:You're a musician, Mark, right?
Guest:I know.
Guest:Yeah, that was it, yeah.
Guest:And Jacob Dillon's like, I wouldn't use that kind of guitar to do that kind of song.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:You're like, oh, okay.
Guest:Then you said, then you said, you go, you go, you said the most simple thing that I think every single person in here can agree with.
Guest:You said Johnny Cash stripped down is pretty great.
Guest:Can we all agree?
Guest:Everyone who speaks English in here.
Guest:that Mark is correct in that Johnny Cash stripped down, just his voice is fucking awesome.
Guest:Right?
Guest:And... What does Jacob Dillon say?
Guest:Oh, I think it's kind of a trick, actually.
Guest:I mean, if you're into that kind of... If you like lying to people...
Guest:Oh, God.
Marc:They thought that Rick Rubin had taken advantage of him.
Guest:Yeah, Rick Rubin took advantage of him.
Marc:But that was very revealing, that whole thing.
Marc:Like, you don't know how much I obsessed on that interview because, like, I knew... Like, I like the Wildflowers all right, and I think he's a talented kid.
Marc:Yeah, I do.
Marc:And the thing is, like...
Marc:Like, with my interviews, sometimes, like, what I get hung up on, like, the moments that I get hung up on, like, are quick.
Marc:But to me, they're like, that's it.
Marc:I've done it.
Marc:You know, in that moment where, like, I didn't kind of call him out on it, but where he said, with his experience working with Rick Rubin,
Marc:that all Rick Rubin, like, he has a problem with vulnerability.
Marc:He's a guarded dude.
Marc:So there were a couple moments in there that were, the best moment for me was when I got him to at least say that he called his father sometimes.
Marc:And then the first thing was like, you know, yeah, if I have an accounting issue or whatever.
Guest:And then... Yeah, he called him for accounting.
Marc:Right, right, right.
Marc:And then I'm like, when we're talking about songwritings, I'm like, oh, you must talk to your dad about that.
Marc:And he goes, yeah, I mean, I talked to him.
Marc:And I go, do you understand him?
Marc:Yeah, that's what you said.
Marc:Right, right.
Marc:And he goes, yeah, we got a shorthand.
Marc:I'm like, I read his book.
Marc:And then he goes, and then when I said that, the chords thing, he's like, oh, the whole three, the number three thing.
Marc:He's like, yeah, I mean, he gets it.
Marc:Like, there was a moment there where then I was like, OK, that's it.
Marc:That's the dynamic.
Marc:But I really didn't know ultimately whether he was protecting himself
Marc:Or the myth of his father.
Marc:Because it's such a complicated... I obsessed about this as if I were in a college mythology course.
Marc:In my mind, if you're Bob Dylan's kid, why the fuck would you ever pick up a guitar?
Guest:You know what I mean?
Marc:What kind of Oedipal challenge is that for the rest of your fucking life?
Marc:You're going to be battling the fucking mountain?
Marc:You're not even Sisyphus.
Marc:You're not even going to get a rock.
Marc:You're just going to be sitting there going, if I had a rock, I could roll it up here and roll it down again.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:So it was just, to me, it was like, I wish that, like, I don't know.
Guest:And he shut that down right away.
Marc:He shut that down about... Look, once I got him talking about his bar mitzvah, he became a person to me.
Marc:You know, like, once you start to realize, like, you know, whatever we think of these celebrities...
Marc:At some point, they're just people.
Marc:And also, I don't know that I... Even if I had done the research properly, I could have brought up... Who the hell knows how they grew up?
Marc:He certainly wasn't going to talk about that.
Marc:And I don't think the last thing... Who wants to hear... Bob Dylan was a dick?
Marc:Or God forbid Bob Dylan's just a regular person.
Guest:No one wants to believe that.
Guest:I like what you said, actually.
Guest:I didn't think of that, that he was protecting the myth.
Guest:Maybe that's what he was doing.
Guest:And again, I like Jacob Dillon a lot.
Guest:I like his music.
Guest:And I couldn't imagine being Bob Dylan's son.
Guest:I can't even be my fucking father's son.
Guest:Whatever.
Guest:I couldn't imagine being my son is really what I'm trying to say.
Marc:It's a problem being a son in general because you still got to deal with that dick.
Marc:You're going to have to reckon with that thing that your dad is.
Guest:I worry about fucking my kids up all the time.
Guest:You did already.
Guest:It's done.
Marc:There's no way.
Marc:How old are they?
Anyway,
Marc:How old are they?
Marc:Seven and four.
Marc:It's over.
Marc:You fucked them up.
Marc:Whatever you're worried about, it's fucking done.
Marc:Whatever you try to protect them from, they absorb like little sponges because you can't hide your heart.
Marc:So that's what's going to happen.
Marc:What?
Marc:I wish I had a gun.
Marc:I wish I had a fucking gun right now.
Marc:No, you don't need a gun.
Marc:You're just going to have to take it when it comes back at you.
Marc:Your karma will be leveled at you, Jason.
Marc:You will pay for your selfishness.
Guest:That's true.
Guest:I went into my son's school and everyone's got writing on the wall, like little things.
Guest:And the thing said, I love my daddy.
Guest:He's trying not to yell as much.
Guest:And Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, yell, yell is spelled yill.
Guest:Y-L-Y-I-L.
Marc:He's trying not to yell as much.
Marc:That must have been a proud moment with the other parents.
Marc:Hey, where's my sons?
Guest:Oh, it's right.
Guest:Oh.
Guest:It is spelled Y-E-L-L.
Guest:Hey, I don't have my kids.
Guest:I don't have my kids.
Marc:Where is that little dumb fuck?
Marc:Jason Nash, ladies and gentlemen.
Marc:Do you want to move down?
Marc:All right.
Marc:I'm very excited about this next guy because sometimes I don't know if he's nuts or not.
Marc:He was on SNL.
Marc:He was on Mad TV.
Marc:He's at Tasty Jeff on Twitter.
Marc:He wanted that to be part of it.
Marc:Jeff Richards, ladies and gentlemen.
Guest:It's a new smile I'm working on.
Marc:That's a new smile you're working on?
Marc:It's a new smile I'm working on.
Marc:How's it going?
Marc:Is it working all right?
Marc:Can I see how it works?
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:This is the new one.
Guest:Ready?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Does it feel uncomfortable?
Marc:It's making me uncomfortable.
Marc:It's good to see you.
Marc:Good to see you.
Marc:I think when we met at the Comedy Store, you were in turmoil.
Marc:Does that happen a lot?
Marc:Uh, you know, waves.
Guest:I have waves of turmoil.
Guest:How long ago was that?
Guest:There was different moments where, like, I never, I didn't really know.
Guest:You know, I used to get stoned a lot, and I stopped smoking pot.
Guest:So I always had that thing where I smoke pot, and I look like I'm on heroin.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:But, like, I saw you, and you were, like, you were kind of manic, and, you know, you had a lot of things to say.
Marc:And then, like, six months later, you're like, I'm making a record.
Marc:I'm singing now.
Marc:Right, right.
Marc:Was that you, or was it my mistake?
Guest:No, that's right.
Guest:I have two albums out.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:You sing?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Legitimately?
Guest:No, not legitimately.
Guest:You know, I like to do the comedy songs.
Guest:You know, every now and then you think you're a pop star.
Guest:Sure.
Guest:How'd that pan out?
Guest:I'm on my third album.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:You're like one of the only guys that was on Matt TV and SNL.
Marc:I read the wiki thing.
Marc:But I saw the list of impressions that you do, and I want to take advantage of that.
Marc:Can I?
Marc:Let's do that.
Marc:Absolutely.
Marc:Is that all right with you?
Marc:Sure.
Marc:I would like you to perhaps interview me for a few minutes as Charlie Rose.
Guest:All right.
Guest:Talk about what you do.
Guest:I mean, take me through you.
Guest:I mean, you do a thing up and down, round and round.
Guest:I mean, give me a sense of what.
Guest:I do comedy.
Guest:I do stand-up.
Guest:You do comedy, but comedy is a variation of humor and algorithms of... I mean, that means who.
Guest:Are you asking me who my heroes are?
Guest:I mean, who is the thing that does the what...
Guest:Bring me all the way around so that I can look out a window.
Guest:I do stand up on a stage.
Guest:You do it.
Guest:Hit it.
Guest:I mean, and that is what?
Guest:I'm in a stage.
Guest:You're up top of a thing.
Guest:The wood's underneath.
Marc:Give me a sense of trees.
Marc:Charlie Rose.
Marc:Very good.
Marc:Thank you.
Marc:Okay, so... He's doing the smile again for people listening.
Marc:So I've been sort of... I've fallen into a Gene Wilder impression.
Guest:Oh, yeah?
Marc:Yeah, yeah.
Marc:But I don't have the inflection right, but I have the tone right.
Marc:I did it for Mel Brooks, which was not a great idea.
Guest:Trying it out on him.
Marc:Right, but like, you know, school me on, you do a Gene Wilder.
Marc:Sure.
Marc:Okay, do you want to just do it, or should I ask you a question?
Marc:How do you do it?
Marc:How do I set up?
Guest:Give me a synth of, I mean, it is.
Guest:I like to do Gene Wilder from Willy Wonka.
Guest:Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest:Behind this door.
Guest:Some of your dreams become fantasies.
Guest:Some of your fantasies become dreams.
Guest:But you can't tell your mother.
Guest:Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
Guest:Good, fine, all we go.
Marc:How, like, when I went through the list with you backstage, and I was just reading these names of people that you've done in your life, you're like, yes, yes, I can do that one, I can do that one.
Marc:Now, are these like songs you play?
Marc:How do you mold your fucking head and everything into just doing impression?
Marc:Is there a lesson I can learn?
Marc:Because I'd like to do impressions.
LAUGHTER
Guest:Well, it's just, basically, it's just making fun of someone.
Marc:Right.
Guest:That's how it's, so it's really what you can grab onto, you know?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:You know, like with Gene Wilder, it's sort of like, he's just talking about Richard in the old days, you know, Richard Pryor.
Guest:You know, it's like, well, Richard, he did a lot of things.
Right.
Guest:I remember one time, he was doing cocaine off a stripper's asshole!
Guest:I was drinking Diet Coke.
Marc:So, okay, okay.
Guest:So it's this, like, yes, good, what, no, maybe, ha!
Guest:It's that angle.
Guest:It's the pace and the build.
Guest:And then the calm, like, well, I mean, I'd like to have fish.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I could eat some fish.
Yeah.
Marc:Now, all right, so, Dustin Hoffman.
Marc:I can do impressions for one word, usually.
Marc:Okay.
Marc:Like, I have a one-word impression of Dave Attell.
Marc:Hold on.
Marc:What?
Guest:What?
Guest:Well, Hoffman is sort of like a...
Guest:I find you very attractive.
Guest:I find you very, very attractive.
Guest:I want to make passion love you for hours and hours and hours and hours.
Guest:And then, just him telling a story is like, we were, with a long hallway.
Guest:Went up the door, tried to open the door, won't open.
Guest:I go to the next door, tried to open the door, won't open.
Guest:Do you do it in front of the mirror?
Guest:Or do you do it in front of the TV?
Guest:Do you ever walk along and it's like, it's born in you?
Guest:Like, you're like, oh, shit, I can do dust.
Guest:Do you do it in front of a TV?
Guest:Do you do it in front of a door?
Guest:Or is it, like, born in you?
Guest:Or do you just look at a guy and do a thing?
Guest:Um...
Guest:Mark liked that.
Marc:I don't know how it starts.
Marc:It's like, it's amazing that like, because when I was a kid, you'd watch TV and like the impressions were always like the fucking best.
Marc:Like, you know, it makes it like when I first saw Rich Little, you're like, oh my God, that's fucking amazing.
Marc:Why is it so exciting?
Guest:I don't know.
Guest:I don't know.
Guest:I don't know.
Guest:It's a weird question.
Guest:People like characters.
Guest:Again, I think people like to laugh at people that are being impersonated.
Guest:When was the first time you did it?
Guest:Probably when I was in... I think when I was early, I would impersonate my uncle.
Guest:Do you still do that one?
Guest:Yeah, I do that one.
Guest:Like in your act?
Guest:I should start doing this one in my act, but it's kind of morbid.
Guest:Because it's like, he did methamphetamines and had a brain aneurysm.
Guest:So he was deaf and in a wheelchair.
Guest:And he always thought I had cigarettes.
Guest:So he would be like... And when I didn't have them, because I was fucking six...
Guest:He thought I was holding out on him, you know?
Guest:So he'd be like, Hey man, can I have a cigarette?
Guest:Come on, man!
Guest:Am I talking too loud?
Guest:Just give me a cigarette!
Marc:That's a beautiful... That almost makes you cry a little bit.
Marc:The whole scene makes you cry.
Marc:Sure.
Marc:Did you do your parents too?
Guest:Not really.
Guest:Well, my dad was a little bit like Charlie Rose.
Guest:Oh, really?
Guest:Well, he would drive and he would be like, Shit!
Guest:Jesus Christ!
Guest:Shit!
Guest:Cocksucker!
Guest:You know, like the car in front of him.
Guest:Cocksucker!
Marc:I feel like I should do a sad impression.
Marc:No.
Marc:This is my father, who's bipolar.
Marc:This is not going to go over well.
Marc:Do it.
Marc:No, it's too... You have to do it now.
Marc:Okay, this is my father.
Marc:Let's make it... Okay, I pick up the phone.
Marc:I'll call him, all right?
Marc:Here's how it goes.
Marc:I'm like, hey, Dad, it's Mark.
Marc:How are you doing?
Marc:I'm good.
Marc:I'm like, no, I'm good.
Marc:I'm doing good.
Marc:I'm like, you don't sound good.
Marc:No, no, I'm all right.
Marc:I'm like, okay, so I'm just checking in on you.
Guest:I don't want to live anymore.
Marc:All right, so are you planning on what are you going to do about it?
Marc:You're like, I don't know, I don't know.
Marc:And I'm like, don't forget about me.
Marc:And I'm like, I won't.
Marc:I won't.
Marc:You're going to be all right?
Marc:Yeah, I'm good.
Marc:I'm good.
Marc:Thank you.
Marc:You thought Jeff's was morbid.
Marc:Huh?
Marc:Jeff thought his was morbid.
Marc:No, I mean, but, you know, the thing is, like, after a while, I mean, as sad as that is, you know, it goes in cycles, and he still hasn't fucking done anything about that.
Marc:So...
Marc:After a while, the saddest thing about being involved with someone who's emotionally disrupted is eventually you've just got to sort of detach from it.
Marc:And you're like, how you doing, Dad?
Marc:I'm good.
Marc:All right, good.
Marc:I'm glad to hear that.
Marc:Do you still want to live?
Marc:No, not really.
Marc:Okay, all right.
Marc:You still taking your vitamins?
Marc:Oh, yeah, I'll take my vitamins.
Marc:See, that's always the tell.
LAUGHTER
Marc:If he were really going to fucking do himself in, why would he be taking vitamins?
Marc:That's all I'm saying.
Marc:That's my one-man show.
Marc:I just wanted to pitch that out to you.
Marc:It's called I'm Good.
Marc:All right, so, wait, there's a couple more I want to do, because I just like making you be a dancing monkey, I guess.
Marc:Louis Anderson, but can you make it creepy?
Marc:Well, there's only one way to do it.
Guest:Well, my whole thing, when he was on the Family Feud, it looked like they wouldn't give him water.
Guest:Remember?
Yeah.
Guest:He'd be interviewing the guest on his last leg.
Guest:So where you from, huh?
Guest:I'm dying.
Guest:Show me water.
Guest:I'm dying.
Guest:I got to meet him, too, and it was like... I got to do, like, five minutes of stand-up before the show, and then he brought me back to his dressing room.
Guest:I need to be like...
Guest:You want some Diet Coke?
Guest:You want some Diet Coke?
Guest:And he had cases of it just stacked up there.
Guest:You can have a case of it if you want.
Guest:Want some cigarettes?
Yeah.
Guest:I'm dying.
Marc:Did you do the impression for him?
Guest:Yeah, yeah.
Guest:And he let me open for him in Las Vegas.
Guest:And after the show, and I did it in my act, and after the show, he's like, you can do it longer if you want.
Guest:You can just keep going and going.
Guest:It's so creepy.
Marc:All right, Gary Busey.
Marc:All right.
Guest:I was in the parking lot of a Frito-Lay factory getting a handjob from what I hope was a circus clown.
Guest:AIDS walk.
Guest:You can't walk AIDS off.
Guest:You gotta run it off.
Marc:Gary Shanling.
Guest:Are we even doing an interview?
Guest:Why are you looking at me like that?
Guest:Why am I looking at me like that?
Guest:I look like a fish.
Guest:Want a Diet Coke?
Marc:Let's talk about the... Anybody who's been on SNL for any amount of time has to... What happened over there, man?
Guest:It's a very competitive system.
Guest:How long were you on?
Guest:Three years.
Guest:Really?
Guest:That's pretty long haul.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Did you get fired?
Guest:I got fired.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:What happened over there?
Guest:You know, you never know why you're fired.
Guest:Robert Spiegel always said there's never one reason why you get fired.
Guest:But I really think it's probably generating the content was the biggest thing.
Guest:And when I...
Guest:was about to go on the show.
Guest:Daryl Hammond was going through a whole thing.
Guest:One of his things?
Guest:You know, just sober, not sober kind of thing.
Guest:And so I was kind of going to be the replacement, but then he just didn't go anywhere.
Guest:He didn't leave.
Guest:You were in the batter's box.
Guest:Yeah, so I don't know.
Guest:It was a little bit of that stuff.
Guest:I think for a stand-up to be in that environment, too, is...
Guest:You know, you're not trained.
Guest:I mean, groundlings, you have, most of groundlings is, I think, interacting with people and different cast members and writers and idiosyncrasies that people have.
Guest:Stand-ups are just on their own.
Guest:Gypsy.
Guest:You just think you're the shit.
Guest:And you get there and it's like, you know, you're not.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:You're not the shit.
Marc:So you felt like... It might have been that.
Guest:And then I did get in a fight with one guy there.
Guest:Which guy?
Guest:I can't say.
Guest:I really can't say.
Guest:Like a performer?
Guest:A producer.
Guest:Yeah, Lorne Michaels.
Guest:I don't know if you guys have heard of him.
Guest:Did you get in a fight with him?
Marc:You know, whatever.
Marc:You're the only guy that has that story.
Marc:I can't tell you how many people I've asked that question.
Marc:And they are diplomatic, loving.
Marc:They talk about Lorne as if he's an incarnation of Buddha.
Marc:That was nothing but a gentle father figure to them.
Guest:Well, he does smell great.
Yeah.
Guest:He really does smell great.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:And he looks great.
Marc:Yeah, but there was never a moment where he shot evil into your brain?
Marc:I mean, maybe a little bit.
Marc:No.
Marc:No?
Marc:All right.
Marc:I mean, I don't know.
Marc:All right, I'm not pressing you.
Marc:I'm just trying to... I'm dying.
Marc:All right, let's do Kevin Spacey.
Guest:All right.
Guest:I think Kevin Spacey is he doesn't move his face, you know?
Guest:He's defiant about it.
Guest:I'm not going to move my face.
Guest:I'm going to keep it just like this.
Guest:Absolutely positively still.
Guest:You know what I call it?
Guest:Spacey face.
Guest:Who's your favorite one to do?
Guest:I'd like to do Dustin Hoffman and Charlie Rose is fun because he really doesn't ever stop with the question you know and the guest is always like what's happening I mean give me a sense of what okay I'll just answer my own question what are some other ones I don't know like I used to love to do Ozzy Osbourne no
Guest:You know, it's like a... That's it.
Marc:Jeff Richards, ladies and gentlemen.
Marc:Let's give them all a round of applause.
Marc:You guys can go.
Marc:I'm going to bring Jim out here.
Marc:Thank you so much.
Marc:Jeff Richards, Jason Nash, Matt Kirshen, Christina Pavitsky.
Marc:Now, we like to end the show.
Marc:What are you going to do?
Marc:What are you doing?
Marc:What's going on?
Marc:God damn it.
Marc:It went long again, huh?
Marc:It's all right.
Marc:It's always my pleasure to bring out this next performer.
Marc:Is there a script for me or do I just sit here?
Marc:What?
Marc:Okay.
Marc:Okay.
Marc:Please welcome Jim Earl to the stage.
Marc:Jim Earl.
Guest:Thank you so much.
Guest:It's a great honor being here, wherever the fuck I am right now.
Marc:But you're going to do the obituaries, the remembrances?
Marc:Yeah, yeah.
Marc:Do you want to talk a little first?
Guest:I can do impressions.
Guest:I got three great impressions.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:This is Edward Platt, the chief on Get Smart.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Max.
Marc:Okay.
Marc:What's the next one?
Guest:This is Joseph Cotton.
Marc:Oh, from Morrison Wells movies.
Guest:From Citizen Kane.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:For Starkist Tuna.
Marc:Okay.
Guest:Well, Charlie, you never knew the real meaning of love.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:He just wanted everyone to love him.
Guest:Love me, I'm Charles Foster Tuna.
Guest:Say, you wouldn't happen to have a cigar on you, would you?
Guest:A lot of pretty nurses around.
Guest:Hey, nurse!
Guest:Oh, nurse!
Guest:Rosebud?
Guest:Yeah, that was Marion Davies' Poonami.
Guest:Hey, nurse!
Marc:I enjoyed that the film students had a nice laugh.
Marc:The laughs were genuine and deep from about 15 people.
Marc:that made the connection.
Marc:The rest of you should really see it.
Marc:It's really one of the best movies ever made.
Guest:The greatest.
Marc:A lot of people think it's the greatest movie.
Marc:You think that?
Guest:I do.
Guest:I can never stop watching.
Guest:I cry every time I watch it.
Guest:Really?
Guest:It's about lost youth, your innocence, your childhood.
Guest:And greed.
Guest:But it's all about loss.
Guest:And about Marion Davies.
Marc:Boom!
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Again, just people who read Kenneth Angers.
Marc:Is there a third impression before?
Guest:Yeah, my dad.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:My dad driving in this Pontiac station wagon on vacation.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:And he misses the exit.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:And he's driving along and the exit goes by and he misses it.
Guest:Son of a bitch!
Guest:God damn it!
Guest:Son of a bitch!
Guest:That's it.
Marc:That's very good.
Marc:That's very good.
Marc:I think all of our dads seem to have that.
Marc:Yeah, right.
Marc:Do you want to plug the book first and then again at the end?
Marc:Sure, sure.
Guest:It's the book of obituaries, Morning Remembrance.
Guest:It's got a lot of, you know, a collection of obituaries of real people who died.
Marc:Yeah, and now we're going to do something.
Marc:Can we have the music, please?
Marc:Thank you.
Guest:General H. Norman Schwarzkopf, oil man.
Guest:H. Norman Schwarzkopf, the general who became famous for restoring pride to Americans by reminding them what it was like to crush a nation armed with shitty weapons and even shittier troops, is dead of heart failure after a chunk of plaque failed to meet a UN deadline to leave its left ventricle.
Guest:The burly general had been living in Florida for several years in quiet retirement, aside from some embarrassing episodes when tourists thought he was a manatee and tried to feed him cabbage.
Guest:Once when asked why his troops called him Stormin' Norman, he replied, because it rhymes with Norman.
Guest:I don't know, get the fuck out of my face.
Guest:He was kind of funny that way.
Guest:Schwarzkopf was treated for prostate cancer in 1993 and became a national spokesman for campaigns against the disease.
Guest:Unfortunately, those campaigns usually involved massive aerial bombardment.
Guest:Followed by a brutal two-pronged commando assault thrusting deep up the patient's ass.
Marc:Like right up his ass.
Marc:Right up his ass.
Marc:Two-pronged.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Thrusting.
Marc:That's the funny part of that.
Guest:Brutal assault.
Marc:I liked it.
Marc:No, I liked it.
Marc:I liked it.
Marc:Thank you very much.
Guest:Schwarzkopf requested his remaining life force be run out of Kuwait.
Guest:Boxed into a kill zone and systematically incinerated on the highway of death.
Guest:Along with a busload of women and children.
Marc:Is there a profound political message in that obituary?
Guest:A political message?
Guest:A fat joke?
Marc:And an ass rape joke.
Marc:You mix it up.
Marc:Great man.
Marc:You really hit all the fucking points.
Marc:Who's now?
Marc:Has the book.
Marc:Yeah, all of them are in there.
Marc:Classics from the Morning Sedition Show is where I worked with Jim.
Guest:Years and years ago.
Marc:Oh, what a time that was.
Guest:And then we did that show together here.
Guest:That was difficult.
Guest:But, you know, it was okay.
Guest:We bonded.
Marc:We worked hard, and you only yelled at me once.
Marc:You only yelled at me once.
Guest:After you yelled at me.
Guest:Right.
Guest:I don't even remember what that was about.
Guest:You called me a cunt, remember?
LAUGHTER
Guest:I don't remember that.
Guest:Yeah, I was in the parking garage after the show.
Guest:You called me a cunt.
Guest:You never apologized for that, either.
Guest:Did I?
Guest:I did, right?
Guest:Yeah, you called me a cunt.
Guest:I'm sorry.
Guest:It's all right.
Guest:No, I am sorry.
Guest:I got over it.
Guest:You get over things like that.
Marc:I can tell you got over it.
Marc:Fucking cunt.
Marc:I'm kidding.
Marc:That was a joke, cunt.
Marc:I know that.
Guest:I know that.
Guest:I can see that.
Guest:These waters are free, right?
Guest:What do you got?
Guest:I got Hillhauser.
Guest:I don't know who that is.
Guest:This is going to be great, then.
Guest:It's too soon?
Guest:Wait, tell me what... Huelhauser.
Guest:He did those wonderful California's Gold shows.
Marc:Oh, yeah.
Marc:Oh, that's good.
Marc:That's good.
Marc:That's good.
Marc:It's fresh.
Marc:Go.
Guest:Huelhauser.
Guest:He went avocado picking with a dog.
Guest:Hulhauser, the iconically jovial star of public television's California's Gold, is now ironically under six feet of California's dirt.
Guest:When he first learned he had cancer, the folksy travel guide reportedly shoved the microphone in the doctor's face and asked him how much the MRI machine weighed.
LAUGHTER
Guest:Witnesses who found his body were heard to exclaim, Oh my gosh!
Guest:And holy cow!
Guest:He said those things a lot.
Marc:I'm getting it, I'm getting it.
Guest:Doctors refused to reveal any more details about his death other than to say he probably won't be getting amazed by anything anymore.
LAUGHTER
Guest:Friends say Hauser probably could have survived longer had he not taken so much time out from chemotherapy to do a month-long series on Lint.
Guest:He was amazed by just the little things.
Guest:Family members can console themselves with the thought that Hauser and his microphone are now up in heaven interviewing, ah, who am I fool?
Guest:And he's lost forever in the dark void of nothingness.
Guest:We're all doomed to inhabit once our bodies succumb to the inevitable ravages of mortality.
Guest:He went avocado picking with a dog!
Guest:Hauser requested a portion of his ashes be dumped into the great system of California aqueducts so his remains can trace the route the water follows through the huge pipes, tunnels, canals, and pumping plants.
Guest:And along the way, meet the men and women who are carrying on the proud tradition of bringing water to Southern California.
Marc:Great job, Jim.
Marc:I'm sorry about the cunt thing.
Marc:Jim Earl, ladies and gentlemen.
Marc:Thank you very much.
Marc:I'm going to throw this out.
Marc:I got a Boomer Liv shirt and extra large.
Marc:Oh, what happened?
Marc:All right.
Marc:I've got a WTF roast.
Marc:I got to go in the center, man.
Marc:And I got another Just Coffee thing.
Marc:There you go.
Marc:And I got a few things out there.
Marc:You've been a great audience.
Marc:Thank you for coming.
Marc:This has been live WTF from the Trippity House at the Steve Allen Theater.
Marc:Start the music.
Marc:Keep it going for my guests, Jim Earl, Christina Babinski, Matt Kirshen, Jason Nash, Jeff Richards.
Guest:Adios.
Guest:Boomer lives!
you