Episode 383 - Live from Vancouver
Guest:Fuck the game!
Guest:Are we doing this?
Guest:Really?
Guest:Wait for it.
Guest:Are we doing this?
Guest:Wait for it.
Guest:Pow!
Guest:What the fuck?
Guest:WTF?
Guest:And it's also... Eh, what the fuck?
Guest:What's wrong with me?
Guest:It's time for WTF?
Guest:What the fuck?
With Mark Murray.
Marc:All right, let's do this, what-the-fuckers, what-the-fuck buddies, what-the-fuckineers, what-the-fucking-ucks.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Oh, shit.
Marc:Yes, I did.
Marc:Welcome to Live WTF, the Vancouver Comedy Festival.
Marc:Let it be known to the listening audience that we are all in a venue that is extraordinarily uncomfortable for those of us who are sophisticated and highbrow.
Marc:I'm not knocking the venue, but this is a place where bad decisions are made and children are had because of it.
Marc:So, all right, Canada, I feel better.
Marc:Let's be honest, it's not always easy for me to get into this country.
Marc:I look, I'll be okay.
Marc:All right.
Marc:Fuck it.
Marc:I got nothing to lose.
Marc:I'm exhausted.
Marc:Number one, I'm on two hours of fucking sleep.
Marc:And today was a day filled with spite and anger that I misdirected several times.
Marc:Misdirected anger is one of my specialties.
Marc:Now, some of you know, if you listen to the show that I used to have, I was flagged up here.
Marc:I'm just going to go into this and we'll get through it.
Marc:And then, all right.
Marc:Okay.
Okay.
Marc:I was flagged in Canada for years because the head of this festival fucked me.
Marc:We're okay right now, all right?
Marc:But it was touch and go through most of the day.
Marc:What happened was, years ago, in the first Vancouver Comedy Festival, I drove up from Seattle, and my papers were in order.
Marc:They weren't in order, so they sent me back into the States.
Marc:I came into Canada.
Marc:I go, here, these are the papers I need.
Marc:And they're like, does the venue you're playing in serve beer?
Marc:And I'm like, I don't fucking know.
Marc:And they're like, well, you'll have to leave the country.
Marc:So...
Marc:I go back to the United States thinking, like, well, this is no big deal, right?
Marc:I'll just call Will and complain a lot.
Marc:But literally, for that time on, I was flagged.
Marc:And every time I went through customs, I go to fucking immigration, and I sit there with immigrants.
Marc:And...
Marc:And I and I wait my turn.
Marc:And there's no rushing that because, you know, I'm an American, which means I have an inner douchebag that that really needs attention when I need attention.
Marc:So when you go into immigration, there's none of this sort of like, hey, who do I got to talk to to speed this up?
Marc:That's not happening here.
Marc:That'll actually get you in jail, I think.
Marc:But so.
Marc:All right.
Marc:So anyways, I talked about it on the show and a listener hooked me up with a consulate.
Marc:Is that what you have here?
Marc:I'm not being condescending.
Marc:I'm really curious.
Marc:Is it a consulate?
Marc:All right, fine.
Marc:So I wrote the council it.
Marc:We got everything taken care of.
Marc:They apologized and said, you're off the list.
Marc:So I'm like, great.
Marc:I can go into Canada and enjoy myself and not feel like I'm going to be treated like a fucking criminal.
Marc:That happened once.
Marc:I went to Montreal and I went right through and I'm like, fuck yes.
Marc:Not so today.
Marc:Okay.
Marc:Okay.
Marc:So I get up at 4 in the morning in Columbus, Ohio, to fly to Toronto, and I go through customs, and I'm like, I'm running late because, you know, flying from Columbus to Toronto, they choose to use, like, I don't know, an antique plane.
Marc:There's propellers.
Marc:It's very uncomfortable.
Marc:But it's an intimate flying experience.
Marc:You're like, this is like the history of flying.
Marc:So...
Marc:So I get to Toronto, we're running late, and I'm fucking rushing through this airport that makes no sense to me.
Marc:But there's a moment where you're like, you just got to marvel at the ability for them to design an airport where people are allowed to go some places, but not allowed to go other places.
Marc:You're like, holy fuck, this must have taken years to figure out.
Marc:But that went away real quickly with like, goddammit, I'm going to fucking miss my plane.
Marc:So...
Marc:Get to customs.
Marc:I go through customs and I'm like and I and I hand the guy the thing and he's like immigration I'm like what the why I did that out loud why and then I realized no sympathetic ear with this guy so I Go into immigration and there's no one there.
Marc:Thank God and I and I and I walk up and I'm like, hey, how's it going and the guy looks at me and goes I've talked to you before and
Marc:And he had, and I remembered him because he was a bitter fuck.
Marc:And he was the only guy that told me the last time I saw him, he's like, well, you're flagged, and that's never going to go away.
Marc:That's just the way it is, and it's really just about whether or not people feel like doing this to you.
Marc:And I felt so, like, blessed, if I could use that word, which I hate, that...
Marc:That he told me the truth.
Marc:So now I go back to him and I'm like, I think he were kindred spirits.
Marc:Like he's like, yeah, I remember you.
Marc:I'm like, great.
Marc:So can we?
Marc:No, no, there's no speeding up the process.
Marc:That was not an entry into like special treatment.
Marc:It was just he wanted to let me know that we had talked before and that was the end of our relationship.
Marc:So I get out of there and now I'm really fucking late and I got to run.
Marc:But I didn't have to run, you know, like I've made time to go ahead and send an email to the organizer of this festival.
Marc:And that email was, and this was an email, you know, when you write it and you're like, this is not going to do anything good.
Marc:Subject line, last time I'm doing your fucking festival.
Marc:The text of the email is, I got stuck in immigration again because of your fuck-up years ago.
Marc:No idea if I'll make my plane to Toronto.
Marc:That's it.
Marc:That was the end of that email.
Marc:Then I got on the plane, and I'm like, I hope he's just sitting there worrying about whether or not I'm going to fucking make it.
Marc:And that felt good to think that.
Marc:All right, so then I get off the plane, and, like, look, you're a good crowd, but, like, quite honestly...
Marc:Like, I've gotten a little bit of hubris in me.
Marc:And for some reason in my mind, I theoretically should have enough maladjusted smart people to fill rooms.
Marc:So when I heard it was only a couple hundred, that was sort of eating at me.
Marc:And then knowing that Pete Holmes was here last night, that was eating at me more.
Marc:So...
Marc:So when I got to the airport, of course, the guy who was supposed to give me a ride, he had gone to the wrong fucking terminal.
Marc:So now I'm livid because I'm like, this is just fucking, this is just Will.
Marc:You know, he's just fucking me over.
Marc:It's disorganized.
Marc:Fuck him.
Marc:Fuck this festival.
Marc:I'm going to send another email.
Marc:Here we go.
Marc:The subject line of this one is it's a partial sentence that leads into the body of the email.
Marc:You want to take some time?
Marc:That's the fucking subject line.
Marc:And explain to me how I'm going to have a show when all of the people on my show have shows at the same time.
Marc:I'm waiting at the airport.
Marc:I'll be at the hotel in a bit.
Marc:Thanks.
Marc:Marin.
Marc:All right.
Marc:So now, like I get to the hotel and I'm so, you ever get that thing in your mind where you're like, I'm going to so fucking dump on this guy.
Marc:I'm going to just get in his face and go, bleh, fuck you.
Marc:I don't even want to be here.
Marc:And then like right when you see them, it turns into, I'm sorry.
Marc:But poor Carmen, who's on my show, who I've never met before, I walk into the hotel.
Marc:I don't even check into my room.
Marc:I got my bag, and one of the people who's in charge, she's like, do you want to talk to Will?
Marc:And I got sunglasses on, and I'm like, fuck yes, I want to talk to Will.
Marc:And I walk into this area where he's sitting with Carmen, and Carmen, who I've never met, goes, I'm really excited.
Marc:I'm like, one second.
Marc:Did you do Pete Holmes' podcast?
Marc:You did last night, right?
Marc:Okay, just one second.
Marc:Do you want to talk about this, Will?
Marc:Do you want to fucking talk about it?
Marc:And he's like, where do you want to talk about it?
Marc:I don't care where we talk about it.
Marc:And then he points over to some chairs over here, and he sits down, and he's completely, right away, he's sort of like, look, I'm really sorry.
Marc:And I'm like, okay.
Marc:Me too.
Marc:Are we going to be all right tonight?
Marc:Yeah, it's looking good.
Marc:Okay.
Marc:All right.
Marc:I'm going to check into my room now.
Marc:So what I'm trying to say is that there's still a rage fucking animal inside of me that has not been satisfied.
Marc:So if anybody's into that...
Marc:We're going to start the show.
Marc:Maybe I'll read some emails in a bit, but Margaret, the wonderful Margaret Cho, has to be at her show very shortly, and I want to bring her up right now.
Marc:Margaret Cho, ladies and gentlemen.
Guest:Thank you, Mark.
Guest:Thank you.
Marc:Thank you.
Marc:Hi.
Marc:Thank you.
Guest:Thank you.
Guest:Hi.
Marc:I don't usually do it like this.
Marc:I usually have a table.
Marc:Now we're full body, and it's nice.
Marc:It's like the Mike Douglas show back in the day.
Guest:Yeah, it's like Firing Line.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:No.
Guest:Or like the dating show.
Marc:You want me to sit over there?
Marc:The dating game.
Marc:You can ask dating game questions.
Guest:Yes, really.
Guest:Oh, remember that?
Guest:I've just been thinking about the dating game because of the dating game killer.
Marc:Oh, really?
Marc:There was a dating game killer.
Marc:There was a dating game killer?
Guest:Yeah, there was one of the contestants that was on, like, I guess in the 70s, turned out to be a serial killer, and he just got convicted.
Marc:Just now?
Guest:Like, just now.
Guest:But then now they're, you know, discovering that he was a contestant on the dating game.
Marc:So he was, did he win the date?
Marc:I'm assuming not, because they would have caught him earlier.
Guest:He was the bachelor.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:That the women were competing to go out with, and then he actually went on a date with a, but nothing, you know, he didn't kill her or anything.
Marc:But maybe that's what started the spree, was that she didn't buck him.
Guest:Maybe he was so angry.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:But I don't, you know, you always say that you're angry.
Guest:You've never gotten angry at me, and I've known you probably the longest of anybody.
Marc:Well, I only get angry at people that I can apologize to very shortly after.
Marc:If I got angry at you for no reason, you would probably be mad at me for a long time.
Guest:I don't think so.
Guest:I'm very slow to anger.
Marc:All right, let's try it.
Marc:Fuck you, Margaret.
Marc:I'm sorry.
Guest:That's all right.
Marc:Okay.
Guest:I forgive you.
Guest:I can't believe that I have to do a show right now because I would love to stay and watch because I love all the comics that you have on.
Guest:I love you.
Guest:I'm a longtime fan of yours.
Marc:And I've been a longtime fan of yours.
Marc:We've known each other for like 25 years.
Marc:At least, yes.
Marc:Is that true?
Marc:Yes.
Marc:Like when you were a child, almost.
Guest:Well, I'm 44.
Marc:Wow, really?
Guest:Yeah, I'm quite... I'm 49.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:So we're doing all right.
Guest:We're doing okay.
Marc:Yeah, I think we look good.
Marc:Well... I'd fuck me.
Guest:No.
Guest:We already know what happened about that.
Guest:We already have a history of that already.
Guest:Do people know that you have a big old penis?
Guest:Wow.
Guest:He has a big old penis.
Guest:Where did this come up?
Guest:Unexpectedly large for his personality.
Guest:Because you'd think that a guy like him would actually have a very small penis.
Guest:I don't even know how to react to this.
Guest:He's actually very large.
Guest:Yeah, well, you know.
Guest:He really tore my shit up and I was like, I got to go back to fucking women because this is too much.
Guest:Like, I'm like, this is what fucking dudes is like, because I had been with, like, women for a few years, and then I was like, oh, fuck Mark, and then... So... I did, like, one of the very first WTFs, and then we fucked.
Guest:Because I thought, you're kind of like a woman because you have a lot of cats.
Guest:So I was like, oh, there's cats here.
Guest:So I'm kind of in the safe space.
Guest:And we fucked, and he had a big old... Like, it just kept coming out of his pants.
Guest:And I was like, that's way more than I expected.
Guest:or anticipated this is way more than I expected well you wanted to talk I was trying to think of stories and then so we we fucked and then at the very end I remember it because it was so it was painful because it was very large it was a very pleasurable blow but very big and then at the very end we were just talking and then he goes are we good yeah we're good
Guest:Because, like, no, when you're used to being a lesbian like I was, it's like you're used to, like, much more of people just crying and a lot of... I felt like it was unfinished business.
Marc:Like, you know, there had been a period there, because years ago, like, you remember when we taped Comics Come Home?
Marc:This is what happened.
Marc:This is what happened.
Marc:Like, we were all taping this show, and we must have been, like, 12.
Marc:How old were we?
Marc:Like, in our early 30s?
Guest:We were in our mid-20s.
Marc:Right.
Marc:So we're all a bunch of comics are taping the show in San Francisco and I'm drunk and I'm just following you around and I'm just trying to fucking make out with Margaret Cho.
Marc:And I'm just like, I'm pestering you.
Marc:I'm pestering you.
Marc:And then finally, like at the end of the night, I end up at your door and you're like, all right, come in.
Marc:And I came in and you just went and you kiss me and you're like, all right.
Marc:And I'm like, yeah, I guess.
Marc:Okay.
Marc:And then I went back to my room, and that was the end of it.
Marc:So in my mind, it was like this was a very long...
Guest:It was like a 15-year, like we made out and then we actually fucked.
Marc:And it was great because we were both in a miserable place in our lives and completely sexually addicted, and it worked out great.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:But it was good.
Guest:It was good because, well, I don't know if, you know, that was sort of at the tail end of my sexual addiction.
Guest:I had all the stuff with all these different women, and then I was really in a place of like, I don't know what this is anymore.
Guest:Right.
Guest:And then I thought, oh, I'll fuck somebody that I know well.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:And that I love already you.
Marc:Yeah, and see how that goes.
Guest:And see how that goes.
Guest:But it's also, like, without anticipating that there would be any relationship at the end of it.
Marc:No, none.
Marc:I had no anticipation.
Guest:No.
Guest:Because it was more like, oh, and I also wanted to do your podcast because I liked it.
Marc:Well, that happened after.
Marc:This was not part of the... It wasn't part of the deal.
Marc:She certainly didn't have to fuck me to do the podcast.
Guest:No, I would have fucked him anyway, podcast or not, but the podcast is very good.
Guest:That would be sad.
Marc:If you're fucking people to get on podcasts, you should really get a reality check.
Marc:That's like way down there, you know.
Guest:But I think that... I mean, I think what you've done is really... I mean, this is off topic, but you've really... What is the topic?
Guest:Well, I don't know.
Marc:My cock and us fucking and... Now I've got to explain this to my girlfriend.
Guest:It's got a big old head.
Guest:Like, it's like the head makes way... It's like a battering ram because it's like, here comes the rest of my cock.
Guest:And it's like... And it's unexpected because it's marked.
Marc:You know, there are some things...
Guest:So you don't think it's going to rip your shit up.
Marc:And then it does, and... You know, it's like, you know, these people know me very well, but there's some things I keep to myself.
Guest:I'm sorry, I didn't realize.
Marc:Like, I have not done a monologue about my cock size yet.
Marc:Well, because you don't know... I guess I don't need to.
Guest:Well, you don't know how large it is because you don't... Well, it's not Milton Berle big.
Marc:It's just good.
Guest:It's like, it's... And I commented on it, and you go, you were really humble about it.
Guest:You go, well, it works.
Yeah.
Guest:But that's obvious.
Marc:That's something at the age we're getting at.
Marc:You want it to work.
Guest:You want it to work.
Guest:It works very well.
Marc:Okay.
Marc:Well, that's great.
Guest:You're so regretting that you had me.
Marc:I don't know.
Marc:I don't know.
Marc:No, it was nice.
Marc:I thought it was a friendly thing we did.
Guest:It was very friendly.
Guest:It really deepened my affection for you, which was always there, which was there since I first met you.
Guest:I've always loved you.
Marc:Okay, well, good.
Marc:Well, then I feel good about it.
Marc:I feel really good about it.
Marc:Wait, are we together now?
Guest:Sure.
Guest:We could try.
Guest:We could give it a try.
Guest:Wait, you have a girlfriend.
Guest:Do you have a girlfriend now?
Marc:I don't know if she's going to be my girlfriend after she hears this.
Guest:I think this was before the relationship.
Marc:No, it was.
Marc:But there's only so much a girl can take when more people keep coming out.
Marc:that you know what i mean it's like either you present them with a full list or they're going to be surprised every couple of years with you her too you kind of yeah i did it was only the one time yeah no i thought yeah really and we're you know we're old friends so it doesn't even count as really no we're such old friends it's kind of like we went to brunch that's right that's right like we finally actually did it but we knew we weren't going to do it again kind of right
Guest:Yeah, I mean, that wasn't even the issue.
Guest:It was more like, oh, we have to do this because we talked about it so much.
Guest:It was really like, you know, when you make a date with a friend and then you just keep putting it off.
Marc:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Marc:And then you finally do it.
Marc:We had to get closure.
Guest:Yeah, it was exactly that.
Marc:Well, thank God we did.
Marc:Right?
Marc:I mean, I... Are you still married?
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:Okay.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:But that's its own thing, you know, that's its own... Clearly.
Guest:I don't believe in monogamy, so I don't think your girlfriend should be mad at you for... And especially retroactive fucking... No, but really, have you met a girl before?
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:There's no retroactive.
Marc:It's cumulative is what it is.
Marc:There's no like that was before me.
Marc:That's just another one on the list.
Guest:I can't imagine she would be.
Guest:And plus, who doesn't want to fuck you?
Guest:That's the thing is that a lot of a lot of women and some guys would like to have sex with you.
Marc:Can I hold off on that?
Marc:I've managed to hold off on that.
Marc:The guy fucking thing.
Guest:But the women, they love you.
Marc:Okay.
Guest:Wait until your TV show goes on the air.
Guest:Women are going to go insane.
Guest:Especially on IFC.
Guest:They're going to go fucking crazy.
Guest:You'll get a lot of indie pussy.
Guest:It'll be so awesome.
Marc:I'm in so much trouble.
Marc:Hey, so... So what's... I have to go to my show.
Marc:Are you okay?
Marc:What's going on with it?
Marc:Are you drinking?
Marc:Where are you at?
Guest:I'm drinking.
Guest:I met Mark when I had been 10 years sober, and he was just getting sober.
Marc:Yeah, yeah.
Guest:And I believe I tried to help you a little bit in the beginning.
Marc:Yeah, you did.
Marc:And I think I was just trying to fuck you.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:But now I've been kind of drinking and using quite a lot of drugs for a long time.
Guest:But this is the worst thing.
Guest:So I had an abortion.
Guest:Wow, there was a big shift.
Marc:We should probably sort of close with my dick.
Marc:I know.
Yeah.
Guest:open with the abortion stuff i know it's okay so i had an abortion and then they gave me a big bag of painkillers and i was using them not because i was in pain but for absolute pleasure because they were taking away all my problems yeah so i had my last painkiller left and i had it all set up you know i had a wine and the painkiller and then i put it on a plate or in a jewelry box this jewelry box it was so lovely and um all these rays of light were coming out of it
Guest:And then I drank the wine with the pill and I got sick and I threw up and I threw up in the toilet, everything in the pill came out whole.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:And I was just looking at it.
Marc:Sure.
Marc:Got to put that back in.
Guest:Well, because I was the only one there.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:So I was like, and I just swallowed it.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:That is a true drug addict right there.
Guest:Well, I think if you are willing to go into your vomit and swallow a pill.
Marc:You know, in that moment, you've got to have your priorities.
Guest:Well, you deserve to get high.
Marc:Exactly.
Guest:You're digging in your vomit to get high.
Marc:I've been on men's room floors looking for rocks of Coke that turned out to be soap.
Marc:I've done that.
Guest:Oh.
Marc:Yeah, I've chopped up a little soap in my life.
Guest:But see, we're totally different addicts because I'm not into the, I can't do an upper, I have to do a downer.
Marc:Yeah, but the point is, I was on the toilet floor and you were in a toilet, so we're not that different.
Guest:We're not that different, that's true.
Guest:So we're thinking maybe now you can help me get sober too.
Marc:Yeah, we can do it.
Marc:I think we can do it.
Marc:I think it'd be good for you.
Marc:I think you're holding out, but I think that's... I'm holding out because, you know, I just... Yeah, because you like drugs.
Guest:Well, I like pot.
Marc:Oh, the pot one.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:I mean, that's the one thing that I don't want to get let go of.
Marc:Yeah, it's hard to let go of that.
Marc:Well, no, it's one of the ones I miss.
Marc:If I miss anything, it's pot.
Marc:But then I remember that I smoke pot all day long, every day.
Marc:And then you wake up one day and you're like, am I high or am I not?
Marc:Does it matter?
Marc:I still need more.
Marc:I think I'm retarded.
Guest:Right.
Guest:I don't even know.
Guest:I mean, I don't know what I'm doing.
Marc:Well, we'll talk about it later.
Marc:I don't want you to be late for your show.
Marc:It was a pleasure talking to you.
Marc:I love you, too.
Marc:Thanks for coming, Margaret Cho.
Marc:Thank you.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:All right.
Marc:Everyone just be cool about that story.
Marc:Let me...
Marc:All right, don't fucking tweet it.
Marc:Got to trust you guys and I'm going to have to handle this in my own time.
Marc:Fuck.
Marc:That was good.
Marc:That was very surprising.
Marc:My next guest is, I'm pretty shook up by the whole cock conversation.
Marc:Are you going to come up here and talk about my dick too?
Marc:Okay, Andy Kinler, ladies and gentlemen.
Guest:I don't think anyone could tell that you set Margaret up for that story.
Guest:I did not.
Guest:I had no idea.
Guest:I wasn't even going to touch it.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I wasn't going to touch it.
Guest:That's what she said.
Guest:Blah, blah, blah, blah.
Guest:That's what she said.
Guest:Any sentence can be turned into a dick joke.
Guest:Go ahead.
Guest:Do it.
Guest:How are you doing, Andy?
Guest:I'm doing it.
Guest:Yeah, I'm doing Andy.
Marc:Hey, are you enjoying Canada?
Guest:Whoa, if by you mean penis.
Guest:Maybe that one wasn't as clever.
Guest:Yeah, I'd like to put my Canada in someone's New Mexico.
Guest:I don't think so.
Guest:I don't think so, Alaska.
Guest:I have also a very, I won't even say penis, large thing.
Guest:Completely flaccid.
Guest:I know.
Guest:Neither one of us are good at penis humor.
Guest:No, it's not really my thing, really.
Marc:I mean, I'll talk about masturbating a lot, but I don't actually talk.
Marc:Like, I'm never going to, like, you know what I mean?
Guest:Except when we toured as the Dick Brothers for a couple of months.
Marc:That was a dark period, and we didn't really know what else to do.
Marc:And it never went over.
Guest:My dark period?
Guest:That's what my wife had last month.
Guest:No?
Guest:Are we still doing the same bit?
Marc:That was the opening routine of the Dick Brothers, and it never went that well.
Marc:So you come up here a lot.
Marc:This is one of the places you're successful.
Marc:Go right through immigration, no problem.
Marc:Really?
Guest:Mr. Kindler, pleasure to have you back in the country.
Guest:You know, I say to them, I'm doing a club where there could be beer.
Guest:Who cares?
Guest:We love you here.
Guest:You have a certain je ne sais quoi, they say to me.
Marc:In French they say it.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:That's very nice.
Marc:I think I was French.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:What am I looking over here for?
Marc:I don't know.
Marc:What do you enjoy doing in Vancouver?
Marc:What are we on, Merv Griffin all of a sudden?
Marc:Yes, we're on Merv Griffin.
Marc:Ooh, look at you.
Marc:Look at you.
Marc:Let's do really old American television references.
Marc:Ooh, Andy Kendler.
Guest:Am I doing Dave Thomas doing him?
Marc:I don't know who the fuck you're doing.
Guest:Who did him on the SCTV?
Guest:There's not a person in this room who knows who SCTV... Was that something before Kids in the Hall?
Guest:Why are they from New York, Mark?
Guest:Why are they from New York now?
Guest:Rick Moranis.
Guest:Rick Moranis.
Guest:He did the Merv.
Guest:I enjoy sushi.
Guest:The character Andy Kindler, not me, because I have health insurance and insurance.
Guest:The character of Andy Kindler enjoys pot.
Guest:Not me.
Guest:The stage character, Andy Kindler.
Guest:You know, are you sucking on a lozenge?
Marc:I am sucking on a lozenge.
Marc:What do you want from me?
Guest:Sucking on a lozenge?
Guest:That's what Marvin said to me after having sex with me.
Guest:She's like, sucking on a lozenge, she says.
Guest:I don't have any stories like you.
Guest:Every woman comedian, oh, I can barely keep my hands.
Guest:I have all this smoldering energy.
Guest:I had women say things like, you're creeping me out.
Guest:Can you leave the condo?
Guest:I mean, come on.
Guest:Why are you sexy, handsome, way more successful than me, and I'm not so much?
Marc:I think it's those movements.
Guest:Why wouldn't a woman want to sleep with me?
Marc:I think that we got to the core of it.
Guest:Why wouldn't the woman want to sleep like me?
Guest:Ahoy!
Marc:What's the matter with me?
Marc:We're different types of Semites.
Guest:That's... I'm Ashkenazi.
Guest:He's Sephardic.
Guest:When we get together, something farted.
Guest:Because the kids love that kind of stuff with the fart humor.
Guest:I hate fart humor.
Marc:I don't do fart humor.
Marc:I never do any fart humor.
Guest:I never do one... Not only that, even when I was a kid, when I was seven years old, and the kids would kid around about farts, I'd go, is this really necessary, gentlemen?
Oh my God.
Guest:Have we no shame?
Guest:Have you ever farted for a laugh, though?
Guest:I'm horribly embarrassed at all of my body functions.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And I feel terrible for everyone involved.
Guest:Always?
Guest:Oh, yeah, even without the situation.
Guest:But I don't have it anymore because I had it removed.
Guest:You had the...
Guest:I have my bodily functions removed.
Guest:You told me to bring the cards.
Guest:I didn't want to bring the cards.
Marc:This is how Andy works.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:This is how Andy remembers things.
Guest:Well, that's a blank card.
Marc:I'm going to quiz you on your jokes.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Here's something.
Marc:Here's something.
Guest:Here's something.
Guest:Here's something.
Guest:Medical news.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:Dueling Lenos.
Marc:Oh, there's a... So, hey, Andy.
Marc:Yes, Mark.
Marc:What do you got on that boat there that's out in there?
Guest:Oh, I just feel like I wish I was one of those carnival cruise comedians.
Guest:Oh, yeah.
Guest:They must have been hilarious.
Yeah.
Guest:Seven days in.
Guest:The only pot I want to see is potable water.
Guest:Who's with me?
Guest:Hey, that's not my bag.
Guest:Literally.
Guest:Hey, this guy knows what I'm talking about.
Guest:Oh, I think he's fainted.
Guest:Hey, Aaron Burnett wants to interview me.
Guest:I think I'll stay on the ship.
Guest:They don't know Aaron Burnett.
Guest:It's CNN.
Guest:Read the papers about it, people.
Guest:Look at me.
Guest:I assault the crowd even without humor.
Guest:Do you really have a Jackie Robinson joke?
Guest:Yeah, because I feel that Barack Obama is the Jackie Robinson of our time.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:And that all these progressives who are unhappy with him are like, I don't want, he's not sliding right.
Guest:Why is he?
Guest:Jackie Robinson was a famous American figure, you assholes.
Guest:Read a thing from the other situation.
Guest:and also my thing is uh so he's a jackie robinson they always wanted to do stuff that he can't do because he's the jackie robinson and so and i always say if you don't like barack obama you're an idiot because when you're 80 and your grandkids who's like to have the first black president i wasn't crazy about him you know you want to be that guy i'm that guy that was your first punch yeah the uh so dane cook still makes the list dane cook has a new font sans comic
Guest:He's still only a year out from not doing well here.
Guest:He didn't get a call back for the TV show, Person of Interest.
Guest:Look at this, Mark.
Marc:Now, what's Hitler?
Marc:There's a few Hitlers here.
Guest:You know, Hitler used to call his enemies haters.
Guest:I'm obsessed with Hitler.
Guest:I have a Hitler Google alert.
Guest:Is that it?
Guest:Google.
Guest:No, what?
Guest:With Hitler?
Marc:Is there one more?
Guest:There's one more.
Guest:Hitler app.
Guest:Oh, yeah.
Guest:I got the new Hitler app.
Guest:Either the Google alert or the app.
Marc:Yeah, either one.
Marc:You don't do both.
Guest:You know, whenever they talk about Israel, they always say it should return to its pre-1967 borders.
Guest:I wish my body would return to its pre-1967 borders.
Guest:Go ahead.
Guest:Name any subject that I've already written down on the card.
Guest:I'm a genius.
Guest:Tony Robbins.
Guest:What's that?
Guest:Tony Robbins.
Guest:Tony Robbins had got in trouble because he did that thing with hot coals and they burned their feet.
Guest:Now he has to cut back.
Guest:He has people who just wear uncomfortable clothing during summer is one of his things.
Guest:And they have to dip their foot in a very cold lake.
Guest:Very good.
Guest:You're moving on.
Marc:Lisa Lampanelli.
Guest:Lisa Lampanelli is just overt racism.
Guest:She doesn't even try to make a joke.
Guest:Oh, what are you, a member of an inferior ethnic group?
Guest:She looked out, and one of her specials, she goes, oh, we've got a couple of slanty eyes here.
Guest:That's her idea of a joke.
Guest:You've got to have a joke after, like, your eyes are so slanted that something falls downhill into your Asian thing.
Guest:Something!
Guest:Pick it up a little bit.
Marc:Oh, boy.
Marc:They're older as you go back.
Marc:They are?
Marc:Wait, you've got some stuff on Django.
Marc:What the fuck is that?
Guest:Why not 2K?
Marc:What do you got on Django Unchained?
Guest:Oh, I am... Well, just the fact that he's fictionalizing... His whole thing is fictionalizing history.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Yeah, there's nothing compelling at all about Nazi Germany.
Guest:Let me fictionalize it a little bit.
Guest:I'm not saying it's strong material.
Guest:I had that on the soon-to-be-thrown-out card.
Marc:That's it.
Marc:Oh, so that was the whole joke?
Guest:There may have been more.
Guest:No, no, there's more.
Marc:I don't know how much time you have.
Marc:What do you got on Jeff Dunham?
Marc:Everybody loves Jeff Dunham.
Guest:Jeff Dunham, it seems like when I see him perform that him and his puppets are talking past each other.
Guest:And he's very upset about how racist his puppets are.
Guest:But there's nothing he can do about it.
Guest:He can't control the puppets.
Guest:He's upset as you are about how horribly racist he is.
Marc:Oh, let's try this because we've done this before.
Marc:I want to see if it... Let's see what the Huey Lewis joke.
Guest:Oh, if Huey Lewis... The Huey Lewis joke.
Guest:If Huey Lewis did comedy songs, the name of his band would be Huey Lewis and what else is in the news?
Guest:I'm opening up a comedy Mexican restaurant.
Guest:One of the items is, is this thing flan?
Guest:The Semitics.
Guest:I'm Jewish and he is too.
Guest:When we get together, it's schmoop-a-schmoop-a-schmoop.
Marc:That is some good riffing.
Guest:I know.
Guest:That might be the worst thing I've ever said verbally.
Guest:Schmoop-schmoop-schmoop.
Guest:Hey, hey, those aren't your cards there.
Guest:Don't get too attached to them.
Guest:Get out of here.
Guest:What are you mad about Kevin James for?
Guest:Oh, Kevin, I was watching TV.
Guest:And my friend said, do you think Kevin James has had some work done?
Guest:And I said, not on his act.
Guest:I'll tell you that.
Guest:Do you know that DVD refused to have Here Comes the Boom go to it?
Guest:They just said... What?
Guest:Yeah, and the digital download people said they don't want to give up that space for Here Comes the Boom.
Guest:What is that?
Guest:What is that?
Guest:He's exactly right.
Guest:You don't remember Here Comes the Boom?
Guest:It's Kevin James as a wrestler and he's going out with... Who's he going out with?
Guest:How do you start a movie, you son of a bitch?
Guest:Salma Hayek.
Guest:He's dating Salma Hayek.
Guest:You know why he's dating Salma Hayek?
Guest:Because it's a movie, Mark.
Guest:It's a movie.
Marc:So we did some work together on my IFC show.
Marc:We can tell them that.
Guest:This is so exciting.
Guest:He is incredible on his IFC.
Guest:I'm telling you, this show is good.
Guest:Look at you.
Guest:You have dread already.
Marc:I know.
Marc:I'm nervous.
Guest:This show is going to be amazing.
Marc:We had fun.
Marc:We had fun working together.
Marc:You know what's interesting about you when you act?
Marc:is you don't ever do this.
Marc:Like, you actually move through the scene like a person, and you don't go...
Guest:Well, the thing that was great about it is that we're both so self, you know, like with comics, you're always kind of thinking with comics like us as opposed to the people in the 80s who didn't think about anything.
Guest:But no, we're always aware of what's going on.
Guest:And so I was like aware of him and his, I'm telling you, it's going to be great.
Guest:And you were on, I'm not just saying that.
Marc:They actually, like we had shot a scene with another friend of mine who I had to break the news to.
Guest:What happened?
Marc:Well, you know, when we shot this scene with you, I'd done it with another guy, but I just told him it was all your fault.
Guest:Oh, that's great.
Guest:I find out now.
Marc:Now I find out.
Marc:No, no, no.
Marc:The reason they liked us, they liked us so much together, it actually seemed like we were friends and we had a rapport.
Marc:And...
Marc:And they said, let's get some more of that.
Marc:And we delivered.
Marc:Like, because it's weird, because I was trying to figure out what our dynamic is, because it's not like a standard, like, straight man.
Marc:It's not a team dynamic.
Marc:It's sort of like you're endearing and hilarious, and I'm cranky.
Marc:Right.
Marc:I like that.
Guest:I'll go with that description.
Guest:Like, here, let's try it.
Guest:I don't know what the fuck I'm going to do, Andy.
Guest:Oh, don't worry, Mark.
Guest:It'll happen in the way that you want it to.
Guest:Well, except for the hilarious part.
Guest:That guy, fuck that guy, am I right?
Guest:No, he's not worth your time and energy.
Guest:What am I?
Guest:I think I'm Tony Robbins now.
Guest:You know what's exciting, though?
Guest:I mean, I know I've seen movie sets, but when the whole crew was controlling the street just for a little scene in a store?
Marc:Yeah, in that shitty store.
Marc:It was great.
Marc:It was fun, right?
Guest:I couldn't believe it.
Marc:It's going to be good, you guys.
Marc:Come on.
Guest:It's going to be good when these guys get it a year later.
Marc:In 2017.
Marc:All right, so you want to... I'll move down.
Marc:Okay.
Marc:Andy Kinler, ladies and gentlemen.
Marc:Now it's my pleasure to introduce... She's hilarious, and I knew she was going to be up here, and I told her to be on the show, and I'd never met her before until today when I yelled at her.
Marc:Carmen Lynch, ladies and gentlemen.
Guest:Thank you.
Guest:Hello.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:Hello.
Guest:Hello.
Guest:Nice to see you.
Guest:Should we hug?
Guest:I feel like we made up.
Marc:Oh, thank you.
Marc:So nice to see you.
Marc:You're fucking funny.
Guest:Do you know that?
Guest:Because you've never seen me before.
Marc:I saw you on the YouTube.
Marc:I watched YouTube because I was going through people like, who should I have on the WTF?
Marc:I don't know this girl.
Marc:And then I looked at your David Letterman set.
Guest:David Letterman just a month ago, right?
Guest:Thank you.
Guest:That's the only one you should watch.
Marc:Don't watch.
Marc:And then it was sort of like, where the fuck has she been?
Marc:How did I not know who you are?
Marc:How long have you been doing it?
Guest:Ten years.
Guest:How the fuck did I know?
Guest:Where have you been doing it?
Guest:I live in a hole.
Guest:I don't come out very much.
Guest:Please don't watch any of the other clips.
Guest:I'm trying to get them off.
Guest:They don't help you.
Guest:They don't get them off.
Guest:The YouTube people.
Marc:Oh, no.
Marc:You're on there forever.
Marc:What are you doing?
Marc:Did I miss some?
Guest:It's just early because I started in New York.
Guest:And you kind of want to start somewhere else.
Guest:It was an accident.
Guest:I wasn't even supposed to do this.
Guest:And they put all that shit up there.
Guest:And now it sucks.
Guest:One of them has like 60,000 views and it's like from seven years ago.
Guest:And they're like, yeah, she's not very good.
Guest:I'm like, watch something else.
Marc:Maybe you should get all of their emails and just send them the new links.
Marc:Maybe you should try to do that.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:How did you start doing, like, where'd you come from?
Marc:See, because I feel like I should know every comic that's been doing it over, like, ten years.
Guest:I know.
Guest:It's weird.
Guest:I feel left.
Guest:But I'm just glad I'm here.
Guest:But anyway, I came from Spain.
Marc:You lived in Spain?
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:You're Spanish?
Guest:I'm Spanish.
Guest:Si, senor.
Marc:Really?
Marc:You can speak Spanish?
Guest:Si, Marco.
Marc:Oh, shit.
Marc:How about that, Andy?
Guest:I'm very impressed by anybody who has a mastery of any language.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:Even English.
Guest:But my English isn't as good because of that.
Marc:The talk show's not out for us because that was beautiful, whatever just happened.
Marc:I was at a loss.
Marc:I threw it to you.
Marc:Boom.
Marc:Boom.
Marc:All right.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:Back to you, Carmen.
Guest:I'm a sidekick.
Guest:Do that thing again.
Guest:Good one, Mark.
Marc:Now that seemed unnatural.
Marc:But wait, so you grew up in Spain?
Guest:I grew up in Spain until I was eight, and then I moved to America.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Was comedy always going to be the thing, or what?
Guest:Never, no.
Guest:My parents are introverts, and we never even watched comedy.
Marc:So you didn't know anything about comedy and chose to do it?
Guest:No, I'm still trying to catch up.
Marc:How the fuck did that happen?
Marc:What made you do this?
Guest:I just moved to New York to be an actress, and that didn't work out.
Marc:So you moved to New York to be an actress.
Marc:You got frustrated.
Guest:I was too tall.
Guest:I wasn't getting anything.
Marc:Did you start to get filled with hate and anger?
Marc:Pretty much, yeah.
Marc:Everything that had to do with show business, that you were being judged?
Guest:Well, I would get a call back, and then it would be me and some dude who was like 5'2".
Guest:A dude?
Marc:What were you going out for?
Marc:It was like either you or a dude.
Marc:We're not sure where we're going with this.
Guest:and a short guy that was the worst part yeah yeah a short guy nobody's gonna cast a girl who's six feet like a serious drama with a guy who's like down to here oh the co-star i see i thought you were both up for the same role and it didn't make sense that's what i thought too it's like between the two of us little man yeah yeah
Guest:So I got frustrated and I went to a show and I was like, God, these people are funny.
Guest:Maybe I'll try that.
Guest:And I went to the learning annex.
Marc:No, you did not.
Marc:I did.
Marc:You guys have those here?
Marc:They're fucking ridiculous.
Marc:So you took a class with a failed comedian.
Guest:A failed comedian who was a coke addict and all he did.
Marc:He just sat there and did lines in front of you guys like, OK, that's pretty good.
Marc:That's pretty good.
Marc:All right, will somebody else chop these?
Marc:I've got to pay attention.
Guest:He was an ex-Coke addict, so he would show us pictures, and he was huge, and now he was skinny, and he was like, this is what you shouldn't do.
Guest:That's all we learned, is don't be a Coke addict.
Guest:That was comedy class?
Guest:Yeah, for three days.
Marc:Don't be a comedy class?
Marc:Don't be a Coke addict and lose weight.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:Who is this guy?
Guest:I forget his name, but you probably know him.
Guest:He used to live in New York, and now I think he lives in the Midwest.
Marc:God, he really ran away.
Marc:He couldn't even cut it at the learning annex.
Guest:He's like, even that wasn't working out.
Guest:You don't remember his name?
Guest:I forget, but it'll come to me.
Marc:Don't you want to know his name, Andy?
Guest:I really do.
Marc:Because you probably worked with him, right?
Marc:I've worked with everybody at one point.
Guest:The performance was at Stand Up New York.
Guest:Does that narrow it down?
Marc:Yeah, that's where they take a class of frightened youngsters and they cut a deal with the club and that's your big night.
Marc:How'd you do?
Guest:I did two and a half minutes.
Guest:That's it.
Guest:Really?
Guest:And I swear to God, that's all I had on my piece of paper.
Marc:Did you get one laugh?
Guest:I got like two laughs.
Guest:They were cheesy, tall jokes.
Guest:They were dumb jokes.
Marc:Can you share some with us?
Marc:Is anyone taping this for YouTube?
Guest:You know what's really sad?
Guest:I still do one of the jokes.
Guest:Oh.
Guest:I do it in the Midwest because they like it.
Guest:Sure.
Guest:I don't do it in New York.
Marc:That's called pandering.
Okay.
Marc:Andy doesn't see that.
Marc:That's not me.
Marc:No, sir.
Marc:I don't want work.
Marc:Andy will throw a set in the toilet no matter where he is.
Marc:He doesn't give a fuck.
Marc:It's his way or the highway.
Marc:If you don't get the boop, beep, boop, bop, boop.
Marc:I'm not going down there, right?
Marc:Not going to meet them halfway.
Marc:Who the fuck are they?
Marc:They're the audience.
Marc:What do they know?
Marc:Who needs them?
Marc:All right, so, well, did you go to school for, did you have other plans?
Marc:I mean, because you're in it now.
Marc:You're 10 years in.
Guest:Oh, I'm so in.
Guest:There's no getting out.
Guest:There's no getting out.
Guest:There's no getting out.
Guest:I don't want to get out.
Marc:The only thing that can happen is you fucking make it or you teach a class at the Learning Annex for a year and then go back to Spain.
Guest:That's it.
Marc:What would you go to school for?
Guest:That's so sad.
Guest:Psychology.
Marc:Oh, good choice.
Marc:That's a broad major that's relatively meaningless.
Guest:Well, I was pre-med for a year.
Marc:Sure, we all were.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:To get the parents off the back while you party.
Guest:They love you more when you say that.
Guest:And then I failed chemistry, so I had to... That makes no sense to me, the chemistry thing.
Marc:It's not really.
Marc:It's letters and it's difficult.
Guest:Formulas.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:Who the fuck needs that?
Marc:It's just math.
Marc:It's bullshit.
Guest:Math is bullshit.
Marc:Let math people deal with the math.
Marc:We're here to fucking do poetry.
Marc:Amen, brother.
Marc:Amen, brother.
Marc:Amen.
Guest:Someone had to say it.
Marc:So wait, so you go to school for psychology.
Guest:And then I was going to be a psychiatrist.
Marc:How'd that go?
Marc:What killed that dream?
Guest:I had to do an internship at William & Mary.
Guest:That's where I went.
Guest:And the psychologist was a freak because we went to an institution.
Guest:And I was like, you know what?
Guest:I like freaky people in general.
Guest:I like weirdos.
Guest:I was like, you could pick three levels.
Guest:And I was like, I want your top number three.
Guest:Give me the shittiest, craziest person you have.
Guest:Yeah, yeah.
Guest:And they were like, okay.
Guest:And so they gave me this woman who stabbed her father in the stomach.
Guest:At least she did something about it.
Guest:And so they stuck me in a room with her.
Guest:And she was so bad, you had to have a partner.
Guest:Really?
Guest:And my partner called in sick one day.
Guest:And I was like, I'm going by myself.
Guest:This is great.
Guest:And she she became catatonic.
Guest:She froze and they freeze.
Guest:Like all they do is their eyes move like that.
Guest:Yeah, you can see it.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And she just froze.
Guest:And I was like, oh, my God, you know, and then there's a button.
Guest:It's just like you press the button when you have a problem.
Marc:And what does that do?
Marc:Does it shock them?
Guest:Two guys in and they drag her out.
Marc:You just push a button and two guys come in and take someone out?
Guest:And I was like, this is it.
Guest:And then the woman who gave me the internship, I went into her office.
Guest:This was before this happened.
Guest:And there was so much sun coming into her office that I swear she took the curtains and she kept trying to close it because there was too much sun.
Guest:This is true.
Guest:The curtains kept popping open.
Guest:So she took her stapler and she stapled them together.
Marc:This is the person who's... Who works there.
Guest:And I was like, this is going to be me one day.
Marc:She's like winning.
Marc:She's the teacher.
Guest:She's in charge.
Guest:Her patient didn't stop me from becoming... The teacher stopped me from becoming... Do you go to therapy now?
Guest:Yeah, I just fired my therapist.
Marc:Why, did she go catatonic?
She...
Guest:I was with her for five years and I feel like I graduated.
Guest:I needed a mother.
Guest:This is sad.
Guest:I don't know if you want to hear this, but I needed a mother figure.
Guest:And I don't need her anymore.
Guest:It's really exciting when she's like, why don't you look at me and pay attention to me anymore?
Marc:Yeah, fucking therapists are so needy.
Guest:They just want your money.
Marc:It's such a fucking racket.
Marc:You know what I mean?
Marc:Once you finally get better, they're like, oh, so we're fucking done?
Marc:Is that where we're at?
Marc:You think you're all better?
Guest:it's so hard and then they're like well we and i said it over the phone which is shitty it's like you broke up with her over the phone i did i did i'm sorry you should have just texted and she goes you know your last therapy session you should have one last one sure and then she goes because we've been together for three years and i'm like it was five years
Marc:She didn't even remember your anniversary.
Guest:She didn't even remember.
Guest:I went to her on my birthday, and I left her the day before my birthday.
Guest:It was exactly five years.
Marc:There's so much more going on in this fucking thing.
Marc:You went to her at your birthday for five years.
Marc:You left the day before your birthday.
Marc:She got upset, thought you should meet one more time because she just wanted to try to make you cry to convince you that you still needed her.
Guest:And you know what's weird?
Guest:I cry all the time.
Guest:And on the last one, I didn't cry.
Marc:Oh, nice.
Guest:Am I over her or what?
Guest:Yeah, I think so.
Marc:Did you call your mother and go, guess what?
Marc:I'm fixed.
Marc:We're good.
Guest:My mother doesn't even know about this.
Marc:Oh, she does now.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Because she listens to my podcast.
Marc:She actually told me she wanted you to be on it.
Marc:That's the only reason I'm doing it.
Guest:I was wondering how you got my info.
Marc:She doesn't know?
Marc:She doesn't know?
Guest:She doesn't know.
Guest:They don't know.
Guest:When I got Letterman, they were like, oh, you know, what exactly?
Guest:They know I do stand-up, but they're like, what exactly are you going to do on the show?
Guest:I don't know if they thought I was going to be...
Guest:like Dave's sidekick for the day.
Guest:Like, they don't get it.
Guest:And then my dad goes, this is five days before Letterman.
Guest:My dad says, we'll start watching it now so we can understand what you're going to do.
Guest:And I'm like...
Guest:I'm like, there's not going to be another comedian on before me.
Guest:I'm the next comedian.
Guest:Because they fall asleep like at 830.
Guest:They're like 72.
Guest:They don't watch.
Marc:They wanted to catch up with Letterman.
Guest:They wanted to catch up.
Guest:Are they Amish?
Guest:Yeah, really.
Guest:We're Amish.
Guest:Spanish.
Guest:Amish.
Guest:Spanish.
Guest:That's my worst interjection yet.
Guest:Before I was going to say catatonic, I was looking for an adjective to describe my wife during sex.
Guest:Oh, really?
Guest:Boom!
Guest:Boom!
Guest:Too late.
Guest:so you feel good you feel validated as a comic you feel i feel good now because i'm not working anymore like i don't have a day job what was your day job insurance what the it was i was in the back office on the back office so you didn't like actually people over the phone no i did over the phone but i was in the very i just checked oh my god this is so sad i checked their driver's their insurance license expiration days
Marc:Really?
Marc:To call them and say that?
Guest:To make sure that they were still valid insurance guys.
Guest:And I'd be like, you're expired in Tennessee.
Guest:And I'm like.
Marc:Do you guys, you have insurance, right?
Marc:You just don't need health insurance, correct?
Marc:Am I understanding correct?
Marc:I'm not being condescending yet.
Marc:I just don't really know.
Marc:There's one car insurance?
Marc:It's a monopoly or is it just, really?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:So it's socialism.
Marc:It's not a monopoly.
Marc:I guess there's two ways to look at it.
Marc:Well, that's good.
Marc:It's not good insurance either.
Marc:Really?
Marc:Would you like some American car insurance?
Marc:Because it's more expensive and they do even less.
Marc:huh it's cheap american car insurance is cheaper but do you know about deductibles do you have deductibles here you probably oh you do so the government makes you pay out of pocket and then they fix it kind of do you have to go to weird sort of totalitarian auto shops so there's like government auto shops and they only have the one kind of window and they're like we can make it fit holy you guys are just lucky you're not all wearing the same outfit
Marc:Right?
Guest:That's crazy.
Guest:I'm a little envious.
Guest:They have health.
Guest:I still don't have health insurance.
Marc:Oh, yeah.
Marc:See?
Marc:See what our country does to us?
Guest:She can check your expiry date.
Marc:That's what they say in Canada.
Guest:Expiry date.
Guest:So cute.
Guest:I love Vancouver.
Guest:I went to a strip club.
Marc:What?
Marc:How was that for you?
Guest:Is it Orange 5 or 5 Orange?
Yeah.
Guest:They only had one stripper.
Guest:Isn't that weird?
Marc:It's socialism.
Marc:They've got to spread them out.
Marc:They work for the government.
Marc:A lot of them are very tired.
Marc:They have to rotate them.
Guest:This is true, but one of the guys I'm with, because I'm with five guys from New York, one of them wanted a lap dance, and she said, I can't.
Guest:I have errands to do.
Guest:That's so hot.
Marc:Turns me on, baby.
Marc:Really?
Marc:She said that?
Guest:She said that, yeah.
Marc:And he didn't get his lap dance?
Guest:He didn't get his lap dance.
Guest:And they go all the way.
Guest:They take it all off here.
Marc:Like, what a chore she was.
Marc:Like, whore?
Marc:Sorry.
Marc:So they get, like, the vajude and everything?
Guest:Everything.
Guest:And I was trying to look because I was trying to see what it looked like down there.
Marc:You were trying to see her vagina?
Guest:Well, I just wanted to see what kind of work she got done.
Marc:Really?
Guest:You know, girls want to know if she takes it all out.
Guest:And I couldn't see because the pole was in the way.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Because they were sitting literally right in front of her.
Guest:And they were like, come here, come here.
Guest:And I'm like, I don't want to sit right in front of her.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:So I sat in the back and checked emails.
Yeah.
Marc:Well, here, next time you go to a strip club, if you just waive some money, they'll put their vagina right here.
Marc:Right here, you can see it.
Guest:Okay.
Marc:What were you looking for?
Marc:Like how the hair was styled?
Guest:I wanted to see how it was done.
Guest:It wasn't a sexual thing.
Guest:Right.
Guest:Just sort of like, oh, nice job on your vagina.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:That kind of thing?
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:Do girls do that a lot?
Marc:Like, do they, like, at the gym or something?
Marc:Do you're like, what do you got going down there?
Guest:You know, I don't look at the gym.
Guest:It was more because she was a stripper.
Guest:I just wanted to see.
Marc:Like, how does a stripper present her vagina?
Guest:Well, because she takes it all off.
Guest:Because I think I've only been to one other stripper.
Guest:Don't look at me.
Marc:I've never been.
Guest:I haven't left the house since 83.
Marc:It's weird.
Marc:In America, they can only take it all off in a place that doesn't serve alcohol.
Marc:You can't mix pussy and alcohol.
Marc:You can have just boobs with alcohol, but vaginas apparently are too much for Americans who drink, which is actually true.
Guest:That explains a lot.
Marc:So are we good?
Guest:Yes.
Marc:Carmen Lynch, ladies and gentlemen.
Guest:Thank you.
Thank you.
Marc:My next guest is somebody who we sort of get into it on Twitter.
Marc:I met him years ago in Austin before he had a beard and he was more miserable.
Marc:Please welcome Brendan Walsh to the stage.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:Hi.
Marc:Hey, buddy.
Guest:How's it going?
Guest:Coo-loo-coo-coo-coo-coo-coo-coo.
Guest:See, they go crazy.
Guest:The hosers, the hosers.
Guest:Tragically hit posters falling off the walls.
Marc:An amazing example of pandering.
Marc:It's good, though.
Marc:It's good.
Marc:You connected.
Guest:How about that Neil Peart?
Guest:He's good at drums.
Marc:Am I right?
Marc:I had to fucking bring Rush a fan once.
Marc:Like, I don't even want to get into those fucking guys.
Marc:Now, I know.
Marc:Oh, really?
Marc:You're going to shut up like that?
Marc:Really?
Marc:Like, Rush is your national hero?
No.
Marc:Here's the story.
Marc:When I was younger, in high school, I worked for a restaurant, and we used to cater concerts, okay?
Marc:And my boss, we just were in charge of food, right?
Marc:So Rush was in town, and Alex Lifeson, is that how you pronounce his name?
Marc:The guitar player?
Marc:He was just sitting alone in a dressing room with a classical guitar, like this, right?
Marc:And it was almost to the point where you're like, I get it.
Marc:All right, so...
Marc:And at some point he decided that his little fucking, you know, arrogant hands were too sweaty.
Marc:And he was like, I need a fan.
Marc:Like, I need a fan for my hands.
Marc:And my boss, whose only job is food, goes, Mark, why don't you run up to my house and get Alex a fan?
Marc:And I'm like, fuck Alex.
Marc:It's not my job.
Marc:I'm here to serve bagels.
Marc:And he made me.
Marc:So Alex Lifeson made me go get him a fan for his fucking pompous little fingers.
Marc:That's all I got.
Marc:I saw Rush four times in high school, all right?
Marc:And I didn't even like him that much, so I'm part of it.
Guest:I saw Rush in high school like three times.
Marc:You did, right?
Marc:Sure, you had to.
Guest:I hung out with guys who were in the Rush.
Guest:Right.
Guest:Then you're stuck there.
Guest:And it was back before the internet, so if you wanted to get good seats, you'd go down to the stadium, you'd camp out for a couple days.
Guest:So we'd just camp out and drink beer and act like idiots.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:And that's all I really was.
Marc:Who else did you see more than once?
Marc:I ended up fucking seeing Ted Nugent three times and I fucking, for no reason, my friend Dave was like, the Nuge, you know, and I'm like, really?
Marc:You know, he's got the fucking dumb tail on his pants.
Marc:And this was before he was a whack job off the grid, fucking lunatic, semi-libertarian Nazi guy.
Marc:This was when he was just a fucking jerk off.
Marc:Yeah, jerk off.
Marc:So I saw him three times.
Marc:An apolitical jerk-off.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:I saw a lot of bands a lot.
Guest:I've seen the Flaming Lips a bunch, but I still like them.
Marc:Yeah, those guys are great.
Marc:I threw up during Van Halen's first tour.
Marc:Yeah, I was a front row, like the first band had gone on.
Marc:Some guy next to me did one of these.
Marc:Here, you want to smoke some?
Marc:It's hash.
Marc:And I smoked some, and then Eddie and David Lee Roth came on, and I vomited and passed out, and that was all I got.
Marc:It's a good show.
Marc:Sure.
Marc:So, Brendan, like, what the fuck is going on with you, man?
Marc:I mean, we walked today.
Marc:I feel better.
Marc:I hurt my feet.
Marc:That was a long walk.
Marc:That was a nice walk, yeah.
Marc:We did good.
Marc:We ate the dim sum.
Marc:We had some conversation.
Marc:Conversation.
Guest:We worked it out.
Guest:You doubted my directional skills.
Guest:We're on Smith Street.
Guest:I'm like, I swear to God, Mark, it's like five blocks up here.
Guest:Yeah, I don't know.
Guest:This doesn't feel right.
Guest:I'm so glad.
Guest:Are you sure?
Guest:I don't mean to.
Guest:I was like, well, I mean, I did it a bunch of times this week, but, you know.
Guest:He stops a lady.
Guest:He's like, hey, what the fucker, what the fucky, lock the gates.
Guest:Lock the gates, ma'am.
Guest:I got a question for you.
Guest:She's like, yeah, it's just a couple blocks that way.
Marc:I am just so thrilled that I've now become a character that can be imitated.
Marc:Oh, yeah.
Marc:Oh, I'll pull this out on stage.
Marc:Oh, fuck you, man.
Guest:Hey, what the fuckers, what the fuckies.
Guest:Do a little of this.
Guest:Sometimes it's, ah, what the fuck.
Marc:All right.
Guest:Yeah, yeah.
Marc:It took me a very long time to sit down.
Marc:I used to run around and then I just sat down and compressed it.
Marc:I compressed it.
Guest:It is kind of.
Guest:I did comment.
Guest:I've only done it a couple of times.
Marc:You did that.
Marc:It's comfortable, right?
Guest:It's fucking comfortable as hell.
Marc:But then like if you're in this position and you've committed to it, when you feel the audience drifting, you tend to jump up for no reason.
Marc:Just sort of like, hey, I'm still here.
Marc:Look at me.
Marc:We still good?
Marc:I just want to make sure I got everyone's focus.
Marc:Do a little of this.
Marc:Now I'm going back to the chair.
Marc:When I met you, it was in Austin, and you were miserable in my recollection.
Marc:Is that possible?
Marc:Probably.
Marc:You're like the guy that was hanging around, doing a little comedy.
Marc:Like, what were you doing in Austin?
Marc:I just kind of moved there because it was fun.
Marc:You're one of those guys that just goes places to hang out?
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:Where have you been?
Guest:I've been to, I lived in Ireland for a while.
Guest:Really?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:We talked about it on the last podcast.
Guest:We did?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:That was your brother or something?
Guest:No, I just went.
Marc:I remember.
Marc:I talked to a lot of guys.
Marc:I'm sorry.
Marc:Let's not do it now.
Marc:Let's talk about the fucking TSA problem because you fucking snapped.
Marc:Well, they got a cop involved this time for the first time.
Marc:What?
Marc:Talk on the mic.
Marc:Talk into the machine.
Marc:If you want to be talking to the machine, now do it.
Marc:What happened?
Marc:What happened?
Guest:TSA called a cop on me.
Guest:Well, I hate those motherfuckers, you know, man?
Guest:It's like, it's just the most inefficient waste of fucking money.
Guest:It's a charade.
Guest:It's retarded.
Guest:It's like the Bad News Bears had a fucking 40-year reunion, and they, like, put blue uniforms on.
Guest:I mean, just the, like, I got nothing against obese people, but... Sure you don't.
Marc:There's nothing, you can't have anything against them.
Guest:Except for my dick after a show sometimes.
Guest:You seem like a nice fella.
Guest:I just don't, you know, I don't like being herded around by cattle by a bunch of fucking idiots.
Guest:And they always got like the, they'll have like a jovial guy who wants to joke around with you and shit.
Marc:Take your shoes off.
Marc:Don't forget to put your phone in your bag.
Guest:There's a guy that sings in LAX.
Marc:Yeah, I know.
Marc:Fuck that guy.
Guest:So you're not going to get discovered, dickhead.
Guest:Yeah, I'll put my shoes in the fucking bin.
Marc:Just because you have a senseless, stupid fucking job that you hate, don't pretend to entertain us.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:You guys would have made the worst Holocaust survivors if this bothers you.
Guest:The shoes in the bin?
Guest:What's crazy?
Guest:I just don't like getting fucking bullied by a bunch of retards.
Guest:No offense if there's any retards in the audience.
Guest:But, uh...
Guest:No, so I'm just like, I'm not pleasant when I'm getting jostled around by them.
Guest:I don't go through the big body scanner thing because, like, I fly a fucking hundred times a year and they're like, what, it's safe.
Guest:I'm like, oh, well, since you said so, I'll fucking go through it.
Marc:I don't go.
Guest:You've never gone through them?
Guest:I've never.
Guest:No, I used to.
Guest:I won't go.
Guest:I mean, I did a couple of times, but then I.
Marc:decided like yeah i'm never doing this sometimes i'm running too late for the flight i will never fucking do it i don't give a i i fucking just will not go through i haven't in a while because now i think if i do do it i should kill myself yeah like i should give up on life it's the only principle i have it's not to go through a body scanner
Guest:Well, I went.
Guest:So, like, I just go, and I get up there.
Guest:I'm like, I'm not going through that thing.
Guest:And they make you stand on the side.
Marc:Yeah, right.
Guest:And it was me and a lady standing there waiting.
Marc:Male assist.
Marc:Male assist.
Guest:Yeah, they needed a male and female.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:The other lady.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And they're taking a while.
Guest:I'm like, hey, man, let's fucking hurry this up.
Guest:I'm in a hurry.
Guest:I got a flight to catch.
Guest:Can't do that at customs.
Guest:And he's like, well, you know, we're waiting for someone.
Guest:I was like, look, there's a bunch of you idiots standing around.
Guest:Just grab another one of those idiots to come pat me down like a criminal.
Guest:And then...
Guest:And the lady, she hates them too, luckily.
Guest:So I felt like, oh, I got a partner here.
Guest:Because she's like, my stuff's already gone through the machine.
Guest:Is it going to be okay over there?
Guest:And the guy's like, yeah, yeah, we'll keep an eye on it.
Guest:And I was like, you guys like to steal shit all the time, don't you?
Guest:There's that big article in the New York Times or whatever.
Guest:TSA fucking steals people's iPads and shit all the time.
Guest:And the guy's like, well, I don't steal.
Guest:I'm like, yeah, but a lot of you do.
Guest:So can we just...
Guest:Can we get this moving, you know?
Guest:Just pat me down.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:So then they take me back, get this fucking Oompa Loompa shithead, you know, with his fucking gloves on.
Guest:And he's standing there.
Guest:Like, I'm standing there, like, you know, with my fucking arms out and shit on the footprints.
Guest:And the guy's giving me this speech.
Guest:I'm going to tell you, when I've got sensitive area, I will use the back of my hand in your belt.
Guest:I will touch the bottom of your feet.
Guest:And I'm like, yeah, yeah, man, I do this all the time.
Guest:Let's just fucking get this over with.
Yeah.
Guest:And he's like, you've got to cooperate.
Guest:I'm like, I'm cooperating.
Guest:Just do it.
Guest:And then he turns and gets some dumb fucking bitch, right?
Guest:I mean, that's just who she was.
Guest:And she goes, you need to cooperate.
Guest:I go, I am cooperating.
Guest:You're not cooperating.
Guest:Fucking pat me down.
Guest:And she goes, you want me to get a cop?
Guest:I said, yeah, what are you going to do, lock me up for being a jerk?
Guest:Go ahead.
Guest:And then she goes and fucking calls the cop over.
Guest:And the cop comes over.
Guest:He's like, what's going on over here?
Guest:And I'm like, these assholes won't pat me down.
Guest:And he's like, well, you got to cooperate.
Guest:I'm like, I am cooperating.
Guest:None of you are cooperating.
Guest:Just fucking pat me down.
Guest:And he's like, well, you got two options today.
Guest:You could cooperate or not fly.
Guest:And I'm like, I'm fucking cooperating, you fucking idiots.
Guest:And everybody's like, I started getting off on it because everybody's like fucking looking.
Guest:And they pat me down and I was like, thanks a lot, retard.
Marc:i fucking there's no rule it says you have to be polite to people who are infringing on your fucking rights like they're not protecting anything it's all rude it's the worst man like i got pissed off because i got like i had done every like i hate when they just select you to like before they put those machines in there'd be the random pat downs so like i was like i travel all the time and and they select me and i'm like you gotta be fucking kidding me and these two dudes they pull me over
Marc:In back.
Marc:And they're like, so where are you going today?
Marc:I say, well, I'm going to fucking New York.
Marc:And he's like, well, why are you so upset about it?
Marc:And I'm like, I'm not upset.
Marc:I'm just like, I don't know why this is happening.
Marc:He's like, why don't you just take it easy?
Marc:Why are you angry?
Marc:And I'm like, what are you getting at?
Marc:Like they tried to bait me into, I don't know what.
Marc:So they get me all fucking worked up and now I'm stifling.
Marc:I'm like, am I a suspect?
Marc:I mean, why are you fucking questioning me like this?
Marc:And then one guy goes like, you're Marc Maron, I like your shit.
Marc:And I'm like, so why'd you just treat me like that?
Marc:He's like, let's just, you know, have a good trip.
Guest:And I'm like, fuck you.
Marc:What are we going to do, man?
Guest:I'd probably get locked up at some point when I'm trying to fly to a gig.
Marc:Like, I don't go through those machines because I think they're bullshit.
Marc:It is bullshit.
Guest:Well, here's the thing.
Guest:Why do I get to take my jacket and shoes off when you're fucking x-raying my whole body, shithead?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Like, make up your fucking mind.
Guest:It's a belt.
Guest:You'll see the fucking belt on your x-ray machine.
Guest:So why do I get to go out and fucking naked to go through your x-ray machine?
Marc:Like, they're not going to be able to identify a belt in the x-ray.
Marc:They're like, what's that around his body with a buckle on it?
Oh.
Marc:I don't know.
Marc:It looks like trouble.
Marc:Yeah, yeah.
Guest:Uh-oh, there seems to be something on his right ass cheek that looks like a wallet.
Guest:It could be a wallet bomb.
Guest:So, uh, what the fuck?
Guest:What else, man?
Guest:Well, I got here safe and sound.
Marc:But you were steaming, though, right?
Guest:I was pretty pissed.
Guest:You know, once I get through it, you know, I do a bunch of tweets like fucking TSA or a bunch of shitheads.
Marc:Sure, sure.
Marc:Come get me now.
Guest:I'm on the plane.
Guest:Yeah, yeah.
Guest:What could happen, though?
Guest:What could really happen?
Guest:They could just bust your fucking balls and make you miss your flight.
Guest:But what are you going to do?
Guest:I'm not doing anything.
Guest:They can't arrest you?
Guest:What are you going to let me up for?
Marc:I don't know.
Marc:I'm asking.
Marc:They detained a guy who won a lawsuit against him.
Marc:I'm not sure the details were, but this guy requested to be strip searched, and he had part of the Constitution written on him.
Marc:And they busted him, and he sued the fucking TSA for a quarter of a million dollars and won because the judge was like, that's civil disobedience.
Marc:It's within.
Guest:I'm going to do that.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Fuck it, man.
Marc:Yeah, no, I get it.
Guest:I get it.
Marc:That's bullshit.
Marc:So Brendan and I went to the record store today, to Neptune Records.
Marc:Yeah, it's good.
Guest:There was a dog in there.
Guest:I petted it.
Marc:Yeah, you were very good with the dog.
Marc:Yeah, I fucking love that dog.
Marc:You didn't yell with the dog?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:But how far down the vinyl rabbit hole are you?
Marc:I mean, are you like old... It's a hobby.
Marc:Yeah, I like it.
Marc:How many you got?
Marc:Seriously.
Marc:Like, how big's your vinyl dick?
Guest:I don't know.
Guest:I still have a bunch in storage in Austin.
Marc:Oh, you're one of those guys?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:I got fucking thousands of records.
Guest:No, no, not thousands, but... You have a storage locker in Austin?
Guest:No, it's in my buddy's place.
Guest:I still have a bunch of shit in his garage.
Guest:When does that...
Marc:meet you when did this well i was going i'm going to that moon tower festival yeah me too right that's gonna be fun oh yeah we'll do one of these again yeah okay i'll talk about my flight there yeah are you gonna are you going i'm going to yeah are you going and we're all going all right so guys start looking online for tickets to austin texas who's been austin you guys ought to come down to our place more we come up here a lot
Marc:Get a green card.
Marc:I feel like I'm always in Canada.
Marc:And you guys don't come down and visit enough.
Marc:Why is that?
Marc:Is it the TSA?
Marc:Is it too expensive?
Marc:Is it?
Marc:No, it's not?
Marc:Well, I think your money's better than ours now, right?
Marc:Because I...
Marc:The last time I was here, they couldn't have been more thrilled to take the American money.
Marc:They're like, of course we take it, dummy.
Marc:No, not so much.
Marc:But, like, how many you got, seriously, records?
Guest:I got, you know, probably a few hundred.
Marc:Oh, that's it?
Guest:Yeah, I don't have a big record dick.
Guest:I fucking love going to a record store.
Guest:It's like I'm 13 again.
Guest:It's great.
Guest:It's a fun thing.
Guest:I still go to a video store in my neighborhood.
Guest:Really?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:That's a little weird.
Guest:No, it's not.
Guest:I like going to a place with no plans.
Marc:Like VHS?
Guest:Yeah, VHS.
Guest:They got those big discs.
Guest:No, it's fucking video.
Guest:DVDs.
Guest:Oh, DVDs.
Guest:Yeah, it was like a giant disc that were around for 10 minutes in the 80s.
Marc:How's your Betamax running?
Guest:Still running good?
Guest:reel to reel, 16 millimeters.
Marc:I set up the projector.
Marc:But isn't it weird that we come back to that feeling of like you want to go to a store where you can talk to the guy that knows, that thinks he knows more than he does and engage with him and then learn something and then resent them until the next time you go in.
Marc:And so you can walk in and go, you know, that record you sold me is kind of fucked up, you know, or else you're like, that DVD sucked, you were wrong.
Marc:It's not our, you're a fucking idiot.
Guest:Yeah, I don't yell at them.
Guest:You don't?
Guest:No, I'm nice to everyone else with the TSA.
Guest:But I just like the whole ritual of the whole thing.
Guest:You know, I mean, a lot of it stems from being a huge pothead when I was in Austin.
Guest:You know, it's fun to just wander around a record store for three hours and go, oh, fuck.
Guest:It's fun to wander around anywhere when you're high.
Marc:Like, if you're high, you can just sort of like, all right, my day is good.
Marc:And you just head out.
Guest:Yeah, it's so hard to get out of the house, though.
Marc:Yeah, especially when we have a lot of records.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:Why leave when you can go, ooh, I haven't listened to this in a while.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:You realize you didn't put the needle on the record ten minutes after you've just been staring at it.
Guest:This is great.
Guest:You got a good setup.
Guest:Fucking Eno's into some cool new shit.
Guest:Just spins there.
Marc:Did you say Eno?
Marc:Yeah, yeah.
Marc:That's hilarious.
Marc:I love Brian Eno, man.
Marc:I fucking just bought the new double Brian Eno record, and some part of me was like, maybe he's back to the pop songs.
Marc:No.
Marc:Noise?
Marc:Not even noise.
Marc:It's just like... King King Punk.
Guest:Don't do too much of it, it'll sue you.
Guest:You don't have the rights to sing that on your podcast.
Marc:I think I was within a 20-second rule on that.
Marc:No, I mean, I like Brian Eno, but I don't know how anybody listened to him when there was only records available, because if there's any fucking static on that record, it's going to fuck the whole thing up, because you can barely hear it anyways.
Marc:And after a certain point, it's like, let's be honest, at this juncture in history, is there any difference between a Brian Eno record and something you hear at a massage place?
Marc:You know what I mean?
Marc:Like...
Marc:How come no one calls Brian Eno the father of shitty New Age music?
Guest:I mean, there's some great stuff.
Marc:Yeah, but that was songs and stuff and Taking Tiger Mountain.
Marc:We're going to fucking nerd out on Eno right now.
Marc:But then when you get into the ambient music, when I was younger, I'm like, okay, I get where he's going with this.
Marc:I get ambient one.
Marc:And like, okay, ambient two is sort of similar, but I still get it.
Marc:Then around ambient four, you're like, he's jerking me off.
Marc:I mean, like, there's nothing going on here.
Marc:yeah and i'm a relatively deep guy i mean i can sit and tolerate some shitty music i'm so deep i could tolerate shit yeah exactly i could barely put up with some interesting you better go i gotta go brandon walsh ladies and gentlemen thanks everyone thanks buddy maybe i'll come over a second show yeah do it all right he's gonna open for me tomorrow night too if you want to see more of that
Marc:You ready?
Marc:You feel good, Matt?
Marc:So Matt Bronger is a very funny man, and I've always thought he was funny, and he recently just had a pilot that went down the tubes.
Marc:Please welcome Matt Bronger to the stage.
Marc:Thanks, buddy.
Marc:Thanks, guys.
Marc:So let's just get right into the issue at hand at first.
Marc:Right.
Marc:So you heard that I said some shit.
Marc:What was that?
Guest:We were all in Melbourne.
Marc:That's wandering around Melbourne, wondering what we were doing there two weeks in.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:You saw a set of mine.
Marc:Yes.
Guest:You were wandering around with Marina Franklin.
Guest:Very funny.
Guest:Very funny.
Guest:And she said that your exact quote was, like, after my set, you're like, ugh, that guy doesn't even have to do anything.
Guest:You just laugh at him when you look at him.
Guest:Which...
Guest:On the one hand, I was like, awesome.
Guest:On the other hand, I'm like, am I just a fucking clown?
Guest:What am I?
Guest:Like, am I just a strange-looking man?
Guest:Listen, because I've gotten that.
Guest:I've been in plays where friends have brought their mothers that they don't speak English, and they look at me and go, ha, ha, look at them.
Marc:You're like cotton floss.
Guest:Yeah, pretty much.
Marc:No, I meant it as a compliment.
Marc:I think the tone that you were experiencing was there, but it was not some sort of judgment tone.
Marc:It was envy.
Marc:I envy people that can effortlessly get laughs just by fucking being.
Marc:I have to work very hard to get a laugh.
Marc:What I'm saying right now is going nowhere.
Marc:It's going nowhere.
Marc:And look, you're laughing, and they're like, I like that guy better.
Guest:Right, Andy?
Guest:I agree.
Guest:I feel like you're old.
Guest:Like I was telling someone last night, it's almost like an old school style that you're doing.
Guest:Right.
Marc:It's like classical clowning, basically.
Guest:Back to what I said before.
Guest:I'm kidding.
Marc:I just wanted to hurt you.
Guest:When I was on the show last, I didn't tell you this.
Guest:I remember watching.
Guest:I think we all remember when our parents laugh at things, when we were next to our parents.
Guest:I remember seeing you, we were watching a comedy special with a lot of comedians, and you were doing that bit about what if people on the street that are talking to themselves going, I can't, I can't.
Guest:What if the God's going, you're the Messiah, you are the Messiah.
Guest:I can't.
Guest:My dad and I laughing our ass off to that one.
Guest:I just wanted to tell you.
Marc:It's a very funny joke that I don't think you paraphrased quite well.
Guest:I ruined the joke horribly.
Marc:Horribly.
Marc:Well, it's funny.
Marc:You know what's a funny story about that joke is that...
Marc:Like, what the fuck was it?
Marc:The joke was like the people you see talking to themselves on the street, maybe the other side of that conversation is God saying you're the new leader, right?
Marc:Dana Gould had a similar bit.
Marc:Right.
Marc:Right.
Marc:His joke was maybe there was another guy across the country responding to him.
Marc:Right.
Marc:Yep.
Marc:Yes.
Marc:So I got some email from some fucking open miker who was like, you know, I think Dana Gould, you know, stole your bitter.
Marc:And like it was just one of those situations where it's like Dana and I have had that conversation.
Marc:It's a fairly reasonable.
Marc:It's a logical sort of.
Marc:you know, joke to make.
Marc:It's not, you know, that specific.
Marc:But what pissed me off is 20 years later, this guy is sitting there going over our fucking 20-year-old fucking comedy routine.
Marc:I better step in here because... This needs to be said.
Marc:Yeah, clearly I'm not taking any time writing my own fucking act and I should police a situation that was, you know, way out of my fucking hands.
Marc:And I actually referred him to like he thought he was so fucking on.
Marc:And I'm like, why don't you contact Dana Gould?
Marc:Because that's his bit that you're referring to.
Marc:Like it wasn't even my bit.
Marc:It's convoluted.
Marc:Go ahead.
Marc:What?
Guest:No, I got nothing.
Marc:You got nothing?
Marc:It's good to see you.
Guest:It's very nice to see you, too, man.
Guest:First off, congrats on your hog dick.
Guest:Secondly, no, it's good to have a sweet crank.
Guest:Come on, guys.
Marc:I didn't, I didn't, I didn't want, I didn't really want that.
Guest:Watching you fucking squirm was amazing.
Marc:I didn't want that out there.
Marc:Oh yeah.
Guest:It's a baby's arm with an apple in its fist.
Guest:I'm sorry.
Marc:I don't think she said that.
Marc:She didn't say that.
Marc:It's not, no, it's not like, see, that's the thing is congrats though.
Guest:You know, congrats.
Marc:I just don't see it.
Guest:Seriously.
Guest:I'll leave you alone.
Guest:I'll leave you alone.
Marc:Um, it's just, it's just, it's fat.
Guest:Nice.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:All right.
Guest:Go ahead.
Guest:That's good.
Guest:I got the old Irish curse, tall but short.
Guest:How are you?
Guest:You okay?
Guest:No, I... Carmen, you all right?
Guest:I learned from Kindler.
Guest:Just keep the face.
Guest:He did like a nice take.
Marc:How is the thing with you and Kyle Kinney not going to be on fucking television?
Guest:I could... I don't know.
Guest:What we did, we shot a pilot.
Guest:We did a presentation.
Guest:We did the same thing the Workaholics guys did.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:We shot it ourselves.
Guest:We were like, all right, instead of giving us a script fee for like 30 grand, give us 50 grand.
Guest:We'll shoot the whole thing.
Guest:And we shot a 22-minute pilot, which is a half an hour.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And it tested through the roof.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Like they showed it to the rigmarole, the riffraff in Las Vegas, which is where they test shit because the worst fucking people go there.
Guest:You know, myself included.
Guest:I count myself as a riffraff.
Guest:And it fucking went to the roof.
Marc:So the morons enjoyed it.
Marc:Yes, the morons loved it.
Guest:Great.
Guest:But it was about Kyle and me as guys.
Guest:I mean, it was the kind of thing where guys who don't want to grow up, but it wasn't the thing like, let's chase pussy and do blue, like the typical bullshit.
Guest:Right.
Guest:It was more like what we were when we were actually roommates.
Guest:We were guys who were like Don Quixote and Poncho.
Guest:We were basically guys looking for adventure with a sense of innocence about like, oh, why are people, like, we don't understand why people like hate each other and why don't people have fun all the time.
Marc:Are you pitching this to Canada?
Marc:No, no, no.
Marc:All right.
Guest:Yes.
Guest:Yes, I am.
Guest:No, but so it went great, but they'd already picked up the Kroll show and they picked up Key and Peele, both amazing shows.
Guest:And they were like, OK, now we can't pick it up.
Guest:Why don't you just do a full pilot?
Guest:And they gave us like almost a million dollars and we shot a full pilot.
Guest:And they made a shoehorn scenes from the first one into the second one.
Guest:Right.
Guest:Which made no fucking sense.
Guest:Right.
Guest:You know, these same scenes.
Guest:And then they only screened it for Comedy Central executives.
Guest:And those people who didn't know the deal were like, these guys have no imagination.
Guest:So what the fuck?
Guest:Why would you pick this up?
Guest:And so just they picked up Jezelnik's show and Amy Schumer's show, both great.
Guest:But they didn't want a scripted show because they're too expensive.
Guest:That's what it came down to.
Marc:But how did it feel to spend a million dollars?
Right.
Guest:If I had more than maybe a tenth of 1% of it myself, I can tell you.
Marc:But it went for... But the food was good on the set?
Marc:It was real good food.
Marc:Good tacos and things.
Marc:Yeah, like food trucks.
Marc:Yeah, yeah.
Guest:That was one of those things I was like, you know, we don't need...
Guest:this shit you know like it kind of went out of control yeah yeah yeah live and learn but yeah when you're on a set and all of a sudden like the ice cream sandwich truck comes like why you're like what the fuck is that guy we thought we'd get it for you it's like well i could use more props or if we got rid of the snow cone another writer would be nice i don't need if we if we got rid of the snow cone machine could we have like blown up a house or had like a stampede of bulls at some point because that would have been amazing yeah
Guest:Can I ask a question, though?
Guest:In other words, they're saying that the stuff that you shot before, which was shot on a different camera and all that kind of stuff, they wanted you to shoehorn that in?
Guest:The guy I co-wrote it with, he worked on The Office and wrote for Mr. Show and stuff.
Guest:So we basically pirated the whole crew from The Office.
Guest:They worked on The Weeknd and just shot it out for us.
Guest:No, but I thought you said they wanted you to shoehorn their other... Oh, they took whole scenes from the first one and put them in the second one.
Marc:We're doing a show.
Guest:I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Marc:The, um, wow, that got really fucking inside baseball, didn't it?
Marc:Like, I literally, I was like, I had a moment where I'm watching them, and I realized, what if I were sitting there watching this?
Guest:Andy going, let me understand something.
Guest:So the lenses.
Guest:How about when he says, it was 22 minutes, that's a half hour.
Guest:It sounds like a crazy man.
Guest:Can I grab another Adderall from you?
Guest:Do you have any more?
Marc:Andy on Adderall.
Marc:That would be funny.
Marc:I am on Adderall.
Marc:On it now.
Guest:He gave me one last night.
Marc:Are you on Adderall?
Guest:No, my character might be.
Marc:Ha, ha, ha.
Marc:But you're on it for the right reason, right?
Marc:For attention deficit disorder and the fact that you need it and the impotency?
Marc:How did you know you have attention deficit disorder?
Marc:How did I what?
Guest:Oh, fucking Jesus.
Guest:For 50 years.
Guest:That was amazing.
Guest:You guys saw that, right?
Guest:That was...
Guest:literally genius my whole life for 50 years i'm old for 50 years i thought i was like the laziest person in the world i thought i didn't think it was a real thing yeah and i realized oh my god i have this maybe worse than anybody in the world so so you you could pay so little attention that you didn't want to walk or what no no it's like
Guest:First of all, I was self-medicating.
Guest:So I remember when Ephedra was, I don't know if it's still legal, but Ephedra was legal.
Marc:Sure, Sudafed, yeah.
Guest:I'd be taking 20 of those pills.
Guest:I'd drink a pot of coffee before I'd go to sleep.
Guest:What they make into meth now.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I was self-medicating.
Guest:Right.
Guest:So now that I'm on Adderall, which I'm doing endorsements for.
Guest:No, I'm totally calm on planes.
Guest:Like, my mind doesn't race.
Marc:On planes, what happened before?
Guest:My stomach, it all knotted up, and I didn't know.
Guest:I didn't relate to my mind.
Marc:Did you flail in the seat?
Marc:Were you like, hey, lady, do you...
Marc:Just Jerry Lewis-ing all the time?
Marc:Excuse me, I think we're in trouble.
Marc:Any of that?
Guest:Very, very... I had a lot of mental pain and anguish.
Marc:Oh, I'm sorry.
Guest:Not that bad.
Marc:I'm thinking you just go, lady, out of nowhere.
Marc:Do you have any problems?
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:What?
Guest:Um...
Guest:yeah what do you got i have i have a i have a rage problem me too i get angry oh like when it when it happens to you do you feel it happening yeah yeah in my stomach oh really yeah and then all of a sudden you're in it and you realize like well whatever we were fighting about is no longer what we're fighting about you know what i just i literally said to a table of people i was out with my with my girlfriend a bunch of friends and there was a table of people they wouldn't let us use their chair they had two free chairs right and we're like we got two people coming can we
Guest:borrow these and then right off the bat they're like no fucking no we got friends coming like we knew that like we got the bulletin yeah and i was like all right cool we sat down after like 20 minutes actually an hour my girlfriend's like hey can we borrow one of these chairs and this girl's like no you want to fucking go like you want to fight
Guest:and my girlfriend like rational person she is she's like over a chair no no i don't want to go over a chair and so i'm sitting there and you and they're all talking about they're all just like like just doing the mumble mumble looking at it i can't hear specifics but i'm like brewing like this and all of them right
Guest:I'm getting like Game of Thrones-ish.
Guest:I want to shoot flaming arrows.
Guest:I'm all about a battle axe right now.
Guest:And so we get up.
Guest:We're like, all right, let's leave.
Guest:We walk out.
Guest:And they all, as we're walking out the door, go, suck it, bitch.
Guest:And I walk back in.
Guest:And I'm like, hey, hey, who the fuck said that?
Guest:And I'm not like a badass.
Guest:But I was just like, fuck that.
Guest:Because she's my heart.
Guest:And she's a wonderful person.
Guest:Like, fuck that.
Guest:Don't say that shit.
Guest:You know?
Guest:And I was normal.
Marc:That's not you're raging yet.
Guest:No, no, not yet.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:And...
Guest:And I'm like, God, what the fuck?
Guest:And they wouldn't even look at me.
Guest:And they have their hands over their eyes like a visor, like I'm the sun.
Guest:Like they're blocking me out.
Guest:Like, whatever you said doesn't matter.
Guest:I don't care.
Guest:You know, like, obviously rich kids.
Guest:And it's a table full of dudes with three chicks.
Guest:Like, it's not like I'm harping on a bunch of women.
Guest:And I'm like, you won't even look at me?
Guest:Look at me, you fucking cowards.
Guest:And I yelled at the table, that's good.
Guest:Stay afraid the rest of your lives.
Guest:And I walked out.
Guest:And I walked out.
Guest:And as soon as I got outside, the bouncer's like, hey man, you can't say that shit to people, dude.
Guest:And I'm like, you're right, you're right.
Guest:That was horrible.
Guest:What the fuck am I, some 17th century assassin?
Guest:Leave the chest of gold doubloons in the town square at noonday, or else stay free the rest of your lives.
Guest:Cloud of smoke.
Guest:Just yelled that at a table.
Guest:Stay free the rest of your lives.
Marc:Oh, I wish I could knight you.
Marc:I know.
Marc:Matt Pronger, ladies and gentlemen.
Guest:Thank you, guys.
Marc:Carmen Lynch, Andy Kindler, Margaret Cho, Brendan Walsh.
Marc:Kick on that music, buddy.
Marc:Thank you so much for coming.
Marc:Live WTF.
Marc:Vancouver.
Marc:You guys are great.
Marc:That was fun.
Marc:And now you know about that.
Marc:Good night.