Episode 381 - Mark Schiff

Episode 381 • Released April 24, 2013 • Speakers detected

00:00:00Guest:Are we doing this?

00:00:08Marc:Really?

00:00:08Marc:Wait for it.

00:00:09Marc:Are we doing this?

00:00:10Marc:Wait for it.

00:00:12Marc:Pow!

00:00:12Marc:What the fuck?

00:00:14Marc:And it's also, eh, what the fuck?

00:00:16Marc:What's wrong with me?

00:00:17Marc:It's time for WTF!

00:00:19Marc:What the fuck?

00:00:20Guest:With Mark Maron.

00:00:24Marc:All right, let's do this.

00:00:25Marc:How are you, what the fuckers?

00:00:26Marc:Let's just get to the point, what the fuck buddies.

00:00:30Marc:Look, I am moving towards this point.

00:00:33Marc:The next week or so is crazy.

00:00:36Marc:I know it's been crazy leading up to this point, but man, how are you?

00:00:41Marc:Okay, just relax, relax.

00:00:44Marc:I'm saying that to myself.

00:00:46Marc:Next week, my book comes out on Tuesday.

00:00:50Marc:My show Marin premieres on Friday and I couldn't be more excited, stressed, freaked out, panicky, but quite honestly, a bit detached.

00:01:05Marc:Can you feel that?

00:01:06Marc:Can you feel detachment?

00:01:08Marc:uh i'll be at moon tower tonight and tomorrow and i'm doing a live wtf a huge one a huge live wtf at moon tower the 26th so i'll be out there tonight that's thursday the 25th i'm doing a short set somewhere we're doing a premiere thing

00:01:26Marc:Today, too, for the IFC show.

00:01:29Marc:We're going to show an episode at Moontower, but I'll do the live WTF tomorrow with every comic there.

00:01:35Marc:Jim Norton, Maria Bamford, Janine Garofalo, Bill Burr, I think, is coming.

00:01:40Marc:Dom Irera, Todd Berry, who I just saw is starting his own podcast.

00:01:46Marc:It's going to be the biggest of the live shows.

00:01:47Marc:I should tell you this, too.

00:01:49Marc:Next week...

00:01:51Marc:We're going to be dropping three shows.

00:01:53Marc:Next week, three big shows.

00:01:55Marc:On Monday, the 29th, Hank Azaria, which was an amazing conversation.

00:02:00Marc:On Wednesday, we're doing the live from Vancouver where Margaret Cho talks about my cock for 10 minutes.

00:02:06Marc:And on Friday, the 3rd, the day of my premiere, Huey Lewis and I hang out.

00:02:12Marc:So three shows next week.

00:02:14Marc:Look forward to that.

00:02:16Marc:A lot of stuff.

00:02:17Marc:I'm sorry it's been a little bit of promotional...

00:02:20Marc:festival here on the show but I just got a lot of stuff going on and I don't want to miss stuff because it seems like everything is sort of happening at once in these next couple of months like for instance after Moon Tower on Saturday May 4th I'm going to be at the Pabst Theater in Milwaukee Wisconsin if you want to come out for that and then I'm going to start a book tour promoting the book in May I'll be at Powell's Books on May 12th here in Los Angeles

00:02:49Marc:On the 15th of May, I'll be at the Sabin Theater.

00:02:53Marc:Judd Apatow is going to sit with me and do a book event.

00:02:57Marc:I guess I'll read some.

00:02:58Marc:I'll talk to him some.

00:02:59Marc:We'll take some questions.

00:03:00Marc:That's going to be exciting.

00:03:02Marc:You can get links to all of these dates at WTFPod.com and get the info on that.

00:03:08Marc:For those of you who still want the free poster, we made more.

00:03:11Marc:And you can still pre-order We Made More posters.

00:03:13Marc:So if you pre-order the book, you can go ahead and email your receipt to attemptingnormal at randomhouse.com for your free poster.

00:03:21Marc:If you did that and you didn't get a free poster last week, do it again and we'll get you a poster.

00:03:26Marc:Deal?

00:03:27Marc:Deal.

00:03:28Marc:At ifc.com slash Marin, there is all kinds of stuff.

00:03:33Marc:Yes, I'm going to be on the CBS Morning Show on Monday if you want to watch that.

00:03:39Marc:I'll let you know about that.

00:03:40Marc:All right, I'm overwhelmed.

00:03:41Marc:I apologize.

00:03:42Marc:All right, let me just try to pull it together.

00:03:46Marc:It's interesting what gets you through things.

00:03:48Marc:Practical advice.

00:03:50Marc:I have to tell you, I'm very grateful on some.

00:03:53Marc:Did I tell you who's going to be on the show today?

00:03:54Marc:Mark Schiff is on the show today.

00:03:56Marc:Mark Schiff is of the generation of comics with Larry Miller, Paul Reiser, Seinfeld, Dennis Wolfberg.

00:04:03Marc:Around that era in the late 70s in New York City, maybe early 80s.

00:04:09Marc:and everyone who talks about Mark Schiff said he was the funniest guy they ever saw in his life, and I've been wanting to get him on the show.

00:04:16Marc:He's kind of leveled off a bit.

00:04:18Marc:He's a spiritual dude, a religious dude, and it just was an interesting chunk of time.

00:04:24Marc:He's one of these guys that maybe a lot of people haven't heard of, but really among his peers was one of the funniest guys you ever saw in your life, and I remember seeing him in college and thinking that, so that'll be up here in a minute, but I want to share my practical advice.

00:04:38Marc:One of the gifts...

00:04:40Marc:that you get from drug use is the ability to put things in perspective.

00:04:47Marc:I know this sounds unusual, but it's helping me in a weird sense.

00:04:51Marc:There's some things you learn from drug use that they stick with you.

00:04:56Marc:Let me try to clarify.

00:04:58Marc:I was in San Francisco a week or so ago, and I went to a Chinese restaurant with my friend Jack Boulware.

00:05:05Marc:And people have been telling me, go to this Mission Chinese restaurant.

00:05:07Marc:It's really interesting.

00:05:08Marc:It's really good.

00:05:08Marc:I'm not a huge Asian food guy, but I enjoy good food.

00:05:12Marc:So I relented, and we went to this place, Mission Chinese.

00:05:16Marc:And they had Kung Pao pastrami.

00:05:20Marc:They had what else do we eat?

00:05:22Marc:These these chicken wings that created a sensation in your mouth that I never never experienced before.

00:05:28Marc:They actually made your tongue buzz and they were deep fried.

00:05:33Marc:Then we had a dish that I believe was just cumin and lamb fat.

00:05:38Marc:We had that, and then they had these pieces of pork belly, these tiki pork bellies that were just two slabs of pork bellies.

00:05:46Marc:I think they might have been deep fried too.

00:05:48Marc:I don't know.

00:05:48Marc:It came with a piece of pineapple.

00:05:49Marc:I didn't even know how to eat it other than to pick it up.

00:05:52Marc:You pick up this big, it was probably a three-inch by four-inch slab of pork belly.

00:05:58Marc:You take a bite out of it, and it was just warm, gelled fat in between two crispy crusts.

00:06:05Marc:So I gave a warm fat sandwich between just just crisp.

00:06:12Marc:It was mind blowing.

00:06:13Marc:So, you know, I dump all of this stuff into my system.

00:06:17Marc:And I was excited about it.

00:06:19Marc:You know, I enjoy food.

00:06:20Marc:I enjoy eating.

00:06:21Marc:Obviously, you know, I'm not on the diet right now.

00:06:23Marc:That's clear, given the two fucking pints of ice cream I ate last night.

00:06:27Marc:This is how I'm celebrating.

00:06:28Marc:People are saying, hey, look, this is your time a little bit.

00:06:30Marc:You know, there's a lot of good things going on.

00:06:31Marc:Enjoy it.

00:06:32Marc:All right, well, let me enjoy it by dumping as much garbage into my being as possible so I can enjoy that, too.

00:06:40Marc:Let me see if I can amplify this slight buzz of self...

00:06:44Marc:gratification and accomplishment by dumping things into my system that'll make me hate myself, but enjoy the moment, just having it in my face, in my mouth and going down my stomach.

00:06:56Marc:So, okay.

00:06:57Marc:So we get the pig's belly, the lamb fat, the Kung Pao pastrami,

00:07:02Marc:The deep fried chicken wings that make your tongue hum.

00:07:05Marc:And I just shoved all this in my face.

00:07:07Marc:What does it have to do with drug use?

00:07:08Marc:Well, obviously, there's such a thing as a compulsive eating disorder.

00:07:11Marc:Fine.

00:07:12Marc:That's not what I'm talking about.

00:07:13Marc:What I'm talking about is we ate all that stuff.

00:07:15Marc:We got in the car.

00:07:17Marc:We we went and smoked a couple cigars.

00:07:20Marc:Then we got back in the car.

00:07:21Marc:And my right hand just started tingling and then went numb.

00:07:27Marc:My right hand went numb.

00:07:29Marc:Now, I don't know if it's anxiety or if that much fat can have that quick of an effect.

00:07:35Marc:There's something clogged in my heart.

00:07:37Marc:Whatever could have been it.

00:07:39Marc:The thing that I learned from drug use is that when my hand went numb, my brain went, all right, just ride this out.

00:07:46Marc:All right, you're going to ride it out.

00:07:48Marc:It's going to peak out.

00:07:49Marc:You're going to arc.

00:07:50Marc:You're going to ride it out, and it's going to go away.

00:07:52Marc:If it doesn't go away, then you go to the hospital.

00:07:55Marc:If your entire right side goes numb, your face falls, then you go to the hospital.

00:07:59Marc:But right now, all you can do is ride it out.

00:08:03Marc:Wait for it to pass.

00:08:04Marc:All right.

00:08:05Marc:You know, just hang on.

00:08:06Marc:Just, you know, the trails will stop.

00:08:09Marc:Eventually, this is you know, this is not this is just an effect of something.

00:08:12Marc:Ride it out.

00:08:14Marc:And I did.

00:08:15Marc:Now, some of you might argue, well, maybe, you know, it's not good for your hand to go numb.

00:08:18Marc:You're not at an age anymore where you can just ride things out.

00:08:21Marc:Perhaps you need some medical attention.

00:08:22Marc:Why hasn't happened again?

00:08:23Marc:I don't know if it's nerves or what, but any of the anxiety I'm feeling, there's a part of having had experience with drugs and being out of control where you realize like, well, this will probably pass.

00:08:35Marc:Whatever this bad shit is, whatever is going on, it'll probably pass.

00:08:40Marc:Oddly, it's something you learn being sober, too.

00:08:42Marc:It's like, look, you know, it's not the end of the world.

00:08:45Marc:Feelings aren't facts.

00:08:46Marc:Well, yada, yada.

00:08:47Marc:Fine.

00:08:48Marc:Write it out.

00:08:49Marc:So I'm writing it out.

00:08:52Marc:All right.

00:08:53Marc:And I'm very excited.

00:08:54Marc:It's a big week for me next week.

00:08:57Marc:And I wanted to share that stuff with you.

00:08:58Marc:All right.

00:08:59Marc:Yep.

00:08:59Marc:I can still feel my hand.

00:09:01Marc:I can feel it.

00:09:02Guest:Let's talk to Mark Schiff.

00:09:09Marc:Mark Schiff, one of the credited by many comedians as one of the funniest fucking comedians alive.

00:09:19Guest:Yes.

00:09:21Guest:You know, I'm introduced like that to crowds and it's actually very frightening.

00:09:25Guest:Really?

00:09:26Guest:Yeah.

00:09:27Guest:Yeah.

00:09:27Guest:Yeah, they'll introduce me.

00:09:29Guest:Coming up now, ladies and gentlemen, is truly Jerry Seinfeld said that he's truly one of the funniest people on the planet.

00:09:36Guest:Yeah.

00:09:36Guest:And Jerry himself said that if you can't get me, you have to get Mark Schiff, and he's here tonight for you, one of the funniest people in the world.

00:09:44Guest:Yeah.

00:09:45Marc:Well, that's a lot of pressure.

00:09:46Marc:When they drag Seinfeld into the intro, then it's going to be problems.

00:09:50Marc:Yeah.

00:09:50Marc:No, but I mean, you were of that generation, the comic strip.

00:09:55Marc:Jerry Seinfeld, Paul Reiser, right?

00:09:57Marc:Larry Miller.

00:09:57Marc:All those guys were your contemporaries.

00:10:00Marc:George Wallace.

00:10:02Marc:Dennis Wolfberg.

00:10:03Marc:Wolfberg.

00:10:05Marc:Who's the guy that used to Brogan?

00:10:06Marc:Jimmy Brogan.

00:10:07Marc:Jimmy Brogan.

00:10:09Marc:Mike McCarthy.

00:10:10Guest:Bill McCarthy.

00:10:11Guest:Bill McCarthy.

00:10:12Guest:Bill McCarthy and Scott Blakeman.

00:10:14Guest:Blakeman.

00:10:16Guest:Gilbert Gottfried would come over all the time and you just name it.

00:10:20Marc:So you started then, that puts you in the late 70s?

00:10:23Marc:76.

00:10:24Guest:That was it?

00:10:25Guest:Yeah.

00:10:25Guest:You know, the comic strip, I'll tell you what's funny about the comic strip is they were the least show business people of all.

00:10:31Guest:Yeah.

00:10:31Guest:The owners of the comic strip.

00:10:33Guest:Right.

00:10:33Guest:It was a guy who owned a bar in the Bronx.

00:10:35Marc:Yeah.

00:10:35Guest:a guy who owned a police thing and uh so they didn't know people in show business at all so one night at the comic strip steve martin showed up yeah in the height of his career right and they turned him away at the uh the gate who is that guy yeah they said uh he said this steve martin i'd like to see the show and they said we have no more room and the guy at the door had no idea who he was

00:10:59Marc:That's a beautiful moment.

00:11:00Guest:Yeah.

00:11:01Guest:And all the comics who have been dying to be seen by somebody heard about this and we all wanted to leave the club.

00:11:08Marc:Really?

00:11:09Marc:Because in my mind, I guess I'm a different kind of comic.

00:11:11Marc:I'm like, good.

00:11:12Marc:Good.

00:11:13Guest:Sorry.

00:11:13Marc:Regular people are sitting down enjoying the show.

00:11:16Guest:Who can't do anything for these people.

00:11:17Guest:Right.

00:11:17Guest:They've been working for free for the last seven years.

00:11:20Marc:But wait, so you think on some level that Steve Martin could have done something for you maybe?

00:11:25Marc:No.

00:11:25Marc:Right.

00:11:26Marc:But the idea.

00:11:27Guest:But the idea, you know, if Steve Martin comes to the club, it's more cachet.

00:11:33Marc:Sure.

00:11:33Marc:And having worked at the comic strip much later, I mean, it still exists.

00:11:37Marc:It's been around a long time.

00:11:39Marc:Right.

00:11:39Marc:And it was always the primary clubs, I think, in New York was Catch a Rising Star.

00:11:46Marc:And then the comic strip was around at the same time, but that was the other club.

00:11:49Guest:Well, how about the improv?

00:11:51Marc:The improv, yeah.

00:11:51Marc:The improv in Catch a Rising Star and the comic strip was like the third one.

00:11:55Marc:Right.

00:11:55Marc:Yeah, the one where it didn't have the same hip factor.

00:11:59Marc:Not at all.

00:11:59Guest:It was completely unhip.

00:12:01Guest:Working class club.

00:12:02Guest:The improv was on the corner of, what was it, Rape and Molest?

00:12:07Guest:Yes, right there.

00:12:07Guest:It was a really bad area at the time.

00:12:09Guest:Right at Rape and Molest.

00:12:10Marc:Yeah, it was a horrible- Now it's just Coffee and Molest.

00:12:13Marc:That's right.

00:12:13Marc:They've gotten rape out of Times Square completely.

00:12:15Guest:That's right.

00:12:16Guest:They've taken the rape out of the R out of Times Square.

00:12:18Guest:Yeah.

00:12:18Guest:Times Square, whatever it was.

00:12:21Guest:John Lennon recorded his album on the 44th Street, the block of the Improv, the night he was shot.

00:12:27Guest:Is that true?

00:12:28Guest:Yes, it is, yes.

00:12:29Guest:Really?

00:12:30Guest:Yes, there was a recording studio right up the corner, closer to 8th Avenue.

00:12:33Marc:Well, I think the picture on the cover of one of the records, is it Rock and Roll or one of the Lennon records, well, there's a famous picture of him standing in front of the Improv, because he must have recorded there all the time, I guess.

00:12:42Guest:You're right on that block.

00:12:43Guest:Yeah.

00:12:44Guest:Right on that block, yeah.

00:12:45Marc:Now, oddly, I remember seeing you when I was in college and you were hilarious.

00:12:49Marc:And then years later, I met a guy who never shut up about you.

00:12:54Marc:His name is Andy Wayne.

00:12:56Marc:Oh, my God.

00:12:57Marc:Andy Wayne Hausman.

00:12:58Marc:Yes, I knew Andy.

00:12:59Marc:What does that do when I say that?

00:13:00Marc:Let's do some word association.

00:13:02Marc:Andy Wayne.

00:13:03Guest:Well, if my balls weren't already shriveled at this age that I'm at now, they've just shriveled completely.

00:13:11Marc:Did I just bring something back?

00:13:13Guest:Yes, you did.

00:13:15Guest:Not a good thing.

00:13:16Guest:I had worked it out of my system and now it's all back again, the horror.

00:13:23Guest:It's like reliving a horrible car accident everyone was killed in.

00:13:26Guest:You just brought it right back.

00:13:29Guest:Andy, I had a very mixed relationship with.

00:13:31Guest:Yeah.

00:13:31Guest:I mean, some of it was very good.

00:13:34Guest:When my father died, he was like the only person there.

00:13:38Guest:He was right alongside of me and walked me through it.

00:13:42Guest:And then on the other hand, he just completely was out of his mind.

00:13:46Marc:Yeah, out of his mind.

00:13:47Marc:I bring him up, and obviously no one's going to know who he is because I met him years after he was really doing much comedy.

00:13:55Marc:But it was always one of those things where...

00:13:58Marc:I met him and he's like, you know, I met him in a different context.

00:14:01Marc:I didn't meet him in comedy, but he told me like, you know, I'm a comic, I'm a journeyman.

00:14:04Marc:You know, I'm in it for the, you know, I'm a veteran of some kind.

00:14:09Marc:And it was one of the first times where like he knew you, he knew all the guys, but he never really surfaced.

00:14:14Marc:publicly as a comic.

00:14:17Marc:But there are those guys.

00:14:19Marc:There are just so many of those guys that have all the stories, but none of them are about... He did work, but not probably 10 times in his career.

00:14:26Guest:He was the first Jew I ever met with a tattoo.

00:14:29Guest:Oh, really?

00:14:29Guest:Yeah, I never met a Jew with a tattoo.

00:14:31Guest:He was your first badass Jew.

00:14:33Guest:Badass Jew, kick-ass Jew.

00:14:34Guest:It's important to meet those guys.

00:14:36Guest:He was like a Jewish mobster.

00:14:38Guest:Yeah.

00:14:38Guest:There are.

00:14:40Guest:There are, and he certainly... He would protect me.

00:14:43Guest:He saw me as a little brother.

00:14:45Guest:Yeah.

00:14:45Guest:And if somebody wanted to beat me up or do something, he would actually... He'd look forward to that.

00:14:50Guest:Yeah, I could give him a name and he would take care of me.

00:14:53Marc:He'd go take care of it?

00:14:53Marc:Yeah.

00:14:53Marc:But you don't want that hanging over you.

00:14:55Marc:It's interesting, though, about that badass Jew thing, because I had a... You know, when I was younger...

00:15:00Marc:Jews are, we have a certain thing in our head about what Jews are.

00:15:05Marc:And I was working at one of the last Jewish delis in Boston, in West Roxbury, the Jewish neighborhood.

00:15:13Marc:And these people would come in

00:15:16Marc:And I think it's called Jewish exceptionalism, I think is the myth.

00:15:21Marc:But I'm sitting at this bar, at this deli, and these guys would come in, these old Jews, one of them was a cop, one of them was a plumber, and then you start to think like, Jews are cops?

00:15:31Marc:Jews are plumbers?

00:15:32Marc:And then the big guy comes in and Shelly, the owner, says he's a contractor.

00:15:37Marc:I'm like, he builds houses?

00:15:38Marc:No, he works for the mob.

00:15:40Marc:And I'm like, what?

00:15:41Marc:But I don't know why we think that, because the mob was at least a third Jewish in its construction.

00:15:48Guest:What's his name?

00:15:48Guest:The Jewish mobster that Sean Penn plays here.

00:15:51Marc:Oh, I don't know which mobster he's playing.

00:15:53Marc:Oh, Cohen.

00:15:54Guest:Yeah, yeah.

00:15:54Marc:Yeah, Mickey Cohen.

00:15:55Marc:Mickey Cohen.

00:15:56Marc:Yeah, Mickey Cohen, Longy Zwillman in Jersey, Bugsy Siegel.

00:16:01Guest:There's a story called Jewish Mobsters.

00:16:03Guest:There's a book called Jewish Mobsters, and one story...

00:16:05Guest:You know, you're not allowed to, if you're a religious Jew, you're not allowed to drive on Shabbos.

00:16:09Guest:Right.

00:16:10Guest:You can't drive your car.

00:16:11Guest:But there was a hitman, a Jewish hitman, who actually, he would kill people on Shabbos if he could walk there.

00:16:19Marc:So killing wasn't considered work in his mind.

00:16:21Marc:It was not considered work.

00:16:24Guest:It was a mitzvah.

00:16:28Marc:Exactly.

00:16:29Yeah.

00:16:29Marc:You became religious.

00:16:31Marc:I've moved in that direction.

00:16:32Marc:Yeah.

00:16:33Marc:But when you grew up, how did you grow up?

00:16:34Marc:Where did you grow up?

00:16:35Marc:What was that about?

00:16:36Guest:I grew up in New York.

00:16:39Guest:My parents were not religious at all.

00:16:40Guest:New York City?

00:16:41Guest:New York City, Bronx.

00:16:42Guest:You grew up in the Bronx.

00:16:43Guest:In the Bronx.

00:16:44Guest:How old are you now?

00:16:44Guest:Do you admit it?

00:16:46Guest:I'm going to admit it.

00:16:47Guest:I'm 60.

00:16:47Guest:You're 60?

00:16:48Guest:Yeah.

00:16:48Guest:Oh, that's good.

00:16:49Guest:Yeah, it makes me sick.

00:16:50Guest:You look good.

00:16:50Guest:It makes you sad?

00:16:52Guest:Well, yeah, I don't like being this age, but I'm in good shape for it.

00:16:55Guest:Yeah, you look very well.

00:16:57Guest:I dropped a lot of weight.

00:16:58Guest:I exercise seven days a week.

00:17:00Guest:I eat like unbelievable.

00:17:01Guest:Yeah?

00:17:02Marc:Did you get very heavy?

00:17:04Marc:50 pounds.

00:17:05Marc:You lost 50 pounds.

00:17:06Marc:50 pounds three years ago.

00:17:07Marc:All right.

00:17:07Marc:Well, I'm sort of, I think I'm 50 pounds too heavy.

00:17:10Marc:So if you can indulge me and tell me how you lost that weight, I'd appreciate it.

00:17:14Guest:I did it.

00:17:16Guest:It's the simplest, easiest thing you've ever seen.

00:17:19Guest:Just like my mother said to me.

00:17:20Guest:Yeah.

00:17:21Guest:This is it.

00:17:22Marc:Yeah.

00:17:23Guest:Put the fork down and run down to the store.

00:17:26Guest:That's the whole bowl of wax.

00:17:30Marc:Step away from the table.

00:17:31Guest:However you want to put it, eat less and run and just move.

00:17:37Guest:That's it.

00:17:38Guest:That's 800-page book.

00:17:39Guest:That's it.

00:17:40Guest:You don't have to worry about blood type or this thing or bending.

00:17:43Guest:It's over.

00:17:44Guest:Just run.

00:17:44Guest:That's the way I used to run.

00:17:46Guest:Just keep moving.

00:17:46Guest:I wear a pedometer.

00:17:48Guest:Are you wearing it now?

00:17:49Guest:Right here.

00:17:49Guest:10,000 steps a day.

00:17:51Guest:How fast are you going right now?

00:17:52Guest:Right now, I'm up.

00:17:53Guest:I'm two blocks away from you.

00:17:57Marc:You wear it all the time?

00:17:58Guest:Yeah.

00:17:59Guest:This is like having a trainer with you.

00:18:00Guest:I do 10,000 steps a day.

00:18:01Guest:You make sure?

00:18:02Guest:Yeah.

00:18:03Guest:So, like, at the end of the day, you're like... If I'm, like, 2,000 short, I get out of bed and I just start running alongside the bed.

00:18:10Guest:That's what I do.

00:18:12Guest:Are you married?

00:18:12Guest:Yeah.

00:18:12Guest:Yes, I am.

00:18:13Guest:Not for long.

00:18:16Guest:You're just running in place next to the bed.

00:18:18Guest:That's it.

00:18:19Guest:So anyway, it's easy to lose weight.

00:18:20Guest:You just got to do it on a daily basis.

00:18:22Marc:Yeah, I think I knew that.

00:18:23Marc:I'm just slacking right now.

00:18:25Marc:It's all garbage otherwise.

00:18:26Guest:Forget about it.

00:18:27Marc:It really is relative to what you put in your mouth.

00:18:30Marc:Yeah.

00:18:31Marc:Don't eat that.

00:18:31Marc:There you go.

00:18:32Marc:That's how you lose weight.

00:18:34Marc:Don't eat that.

00:18:34Marc:It's that simple.

00:18:35Guest:And then after a couple months of doing that, you don't want it anymore.

00:18:38Guest:Is that true?

00:18:39Guest:Yeah.

00:18:39Marc:I'd like to believe that.

00:18:40Marc:I find I go in cycles.

00:18:41Marc:I don't want it anymore.

00:18:42Marc:I'm thrilled that I'm losing weight.

00:18:44Marc:I feel great.

00:18:45Marc:And then I eat one piece of pie.

00:18:48Marc:It sets you off.

00:18:48Marc:And I'm done.

00:18:49Marc:Yeah, of course.

00:18:50Marc:And then I'm strung out on sugar and flour.

00:18:52Marc:Sure.

00:18:53Marc:Someone baked me a custard pie.

00:18:55Marc:a fan, brought it home.

00:18:58Marc:I said, it'd be wrong not to taste it.

00:19:00Marc:Sure.

00:19:00Marc:Ate half of it.

00:19:01Marc:Sure.

00:19:02Marc:And then I had to get it out of the house.

00:19:04Marc:But I don't like wasting food, so I had to stop myself from going door to door with half a pie.

00:19:08Guest:Right.

00:19:09Marc:Would you like some?

00:19:10Marc:Yeah.

00:19:10Marc:Half a pie?

00:19:12Marc:The Bronx?

00:19:13Marc:The Bronx.

00:19:14Marc:The only borough with the word the in it.

00:19:16Marc:Yeah.

00:19:17Marc:And was it, what was the family like?

00:19:20Marc:I mean, you're not old enough to have some weird Jewish tale.

00:19:25Guest:No, no.

00:19:27Guest:Yeah, I could have been.

00:19:28Guest:Yeah?

00:19:28Guest:Well, I could have been right after the war, you know, like a couple years.

00:19:32Marc:What was your old man's racket?

00:19:33Guest:Well, my father drove a truck, a working class Jewish guy.

00:19:36Guest:That was, drove a cab on weekends.

00:19:40Guest:Yeah?

00:19:40Guest:Truck during the week.

00:19:42Guest:Did you go out with him?

00:19:43Guest:I did.

00:19:45Guest:Probably some of the most memorable times of my life was working with my dad on a truck.

00:19:50Guest:Yeah, why?

00:19:51Guest:It was just, I was a little kid sitting in a giant 30-footer, you know, in the front driving through Manhattan and sitting up high in the air.

00:20:00Guest:And the gear shift making those crazy noises.

00:20:04Guest:And my father looked like the strongest man in the world lifting things.

00:20:07Guest:That's beautiful.

00:20:08Guest:Yeah.

00:20:08Guest:Never hijacked by the mob.

00:20:10Guest:Yeah.

00:20:10Guest:Well, there is a mob story there, yes.

00:20:12Guest:What?

00:20:13Guest:What happened was his business, he didn't own it, he worked.

00:20:16Guest:And he worked for a trucking company that the mob, it was owned by a Jewish guy.

00:20:22Guest:The mob came to the owner and said, listen, we want to buy your company.

00:20:26Guest:And the owner said, I don't want to sell it.

00:20:30Guest:And that weekend, three of his trucks were torched.

00:20:34Guest:Not your dad's?

00:20:35Guest:His bosses.

00:20:36Guest:Right.

00:20:37Guest:And his boss sold to the mob.

00:20:40Guest:Yeah.

00:20:41Guest:So my father's new boss was the mob.

00:20:44Guest:Oh, no.

00:20:44Guest:And they made him quit the union.

00:20:46Guest:Right.

00:20:47Guest:Which he had been in for like 20-something years.

00:20:49Guest:So all his pension and everything disappeared.

00:20:51Marc:Oh, my God.

00:20:51Guest:Yeah, it was really horrible.

00:20:53Guest:Why didn't he just leave the company?

00:20:55Guest:Finding another job at that age was difficult.

00:21:00Guest:That's insane.

00:21:01Guest:Yeah.

00:21:02Guest:So they forced them out.

00:21:03Guest:They forced the owner to sell.

00:21:05Guest:Then they forced everybody to quit the union.

00:21:06Guest:Otherwise, they were going to get rid of them.

00:21:08Marc:And then what?

00:21:09Marc:Did they keep the business going?

00:21:10Marc:Did it become an illegal business after that?

00:21:13Marc:Who knows?

00:21:15Guest:We'll be legitimate in five years, Michael.

00:21:18Marc:Yeah.

00:21:20Marc:So you went to school in the Bronx.

00:21:23Marc:What did your mother do?

00:21:24Marc:Just hang around?

00:21:25Guest:No, my mother worked in real estate.

00:21:26Guest:She rented apartments.

00:21:28Guest:But I was sent, my parents were reformed Jews and they sent me to an orthodox Jewish school.

00:21:34Marc:They wanted you to get disciplined?

00:21:36Guest:No.

00:21:36Guest:They wanted somebody to keep me till five o'clock in the afternoon.

00:21:39Marc:I know exactly what you're saying.

00:21:40Guest:Right.

00:21:41Guest:Public school got out at three or two.

00:21:43Guest:Get them out.

00:21:44Guest:And my parents worked full time till five or six.

00:21:46Guest:Right.

00:21:46Guest:So they needed somebody to hold on to me.

00:21:49Guest:They didn't have daycare when I was growing up.

00:21:51Marc:Oh, my parents found guitar teachers that would pick me up.

00:21:53Marc:There you go.

00:21:53Marc:Yeah.

00:21:54Marc:Yeah.

00:21:54Marc:So they wanted you out, but not because they didn't like you, but because they worked.

00:21:57Guest:Yeah, they worked.

00:21:58Guest:So they sent me to a religious school.

00:21:59Guest:They kept me till 5 o'clock.

00:22:01Guest:But that didn't stick.

00:22:03Guest:No, it did not stick.

00:22:05Guest:Although I enjoyed being there.

00:22:07Guest:Did you learn how to speak Hebrew and everything?

00:22:09Guest:Speak Hebrew, read Hebrew.

00:22:10Marc:You can do that now.

00:22:11Guest:Yeah, I can read it very well.

00:22:13Marc:Speaking is tricky, huh?

00:22:15Guest:Yeah.

00:22:16Guest:So when did you go to college?

00:22:18Guest:No, not really.

00:22:20Guest:I was...

00:22:22Guest:I really didn't even make it out of high school I did you know I didn't really you don't remember or you didn't no I did I was a bad kid I was a bad kid in what way I don't sound like Rodney I'll tell you I was a rough I love Rodney he's the reason I went to show business he's like the most underappreciated comic in the world I like literally get choked up talking about he's the greatest Tonight Show comic that ever lived

00:22:41Marc:He's one of the greatest comics.

00:22:43Marc:Yeah.

00:22:44Guest:When I was 12 years old, my parents took me to see Rodney Dangerfield at a nightclub.

00:22:49Marc:Yeah.

00:22:50Guest:And I was sitting, I have a photo from that evening, and I was sitting watching Rodney came out, did a show, and I said, I'm 12, I said, Mom, Dad, that's what I'm going to do.

00:23:01Guest:I know exactly what I want to do.

00:23:02Guest:I want to be a comedian.

00:23:03Guest:Where'd you see him?

00:23:03Guest:Where was it?

00:23:04Guest:Boulevard Nightclub on Queens Boulevard.

00:23:06Guest:In Queens?

00:23:07Guest:12 years old.

00:23:08Marc:I was 11 when I was taken to see Jackie Vernon.

00:23:10Marc:Similar experience.

00:23:11Marc:Unbelievable.

00:23:12Marc:It changed your life, right?

00:23:13Marc:But when you were there, let me ask you something.

00:23:15Marc:Like, when you were there, could you just feel the sort of, like, the sweat and the filth of it?

00:23:20Marc:You know, like, I mean, like, he's funny.

00:23:21Marc:But, you know, when you're looking at those guys, you know, and at that, I don't know what age he would have been.

00:23:25Marc:He would have been younger.

00:23:25Marc:It was before he quit, I'd imagine.

00:23:27Marc:Right?

00:23:28Guest:12, 64, 66, 67.

00:23:32Guest:Yes, yes.

00:23:35Guest:Or maybe just when he came back.

00:23:36Guest:Yeah.

00:23:36Guest:Just when he started to come back because he went away for a while.

00:23:39Guest:No, no, no.

00:23:40Guest:He was going to leave after this.

00:23:41Guest:This was like 66.

00:23:42Guest:He didn't come back until the 70s, right?

00:23:44Guest:No, no.

00:23:45Marc:I think what it was is that early on in the 50s, he couldn't get over.

00:23:49Marc:And then he quit and he went into aluminum siding and was hanging out with Joe Ansis and they were selling jokes to comics.

00:23:54Marc:Well, I met Joe Ansis with Rodney.

00:23:56Marc:God, I wish he was still alive.

00:23:58Marc:And...

00:24:00Marc:And then after five or six years, he came back as Rodney Dangerfield.

00:24:03Marc:He was Jack Roy before.

00:24:05Guest:So if he was performing as Dangerfield, he was back.

00:24:08Guest:And George Shultz gave him the name, Rodney Dangerfield.

00:24:10Guest:Is that true?

00:24:11Guest:Yeah.

00:24:11Guest:George Shultz from Pips in Queens.

00:24:13Guest:You remember Pips?

00:24:13Guest:Yeah.

00:24:14Guest:George Shultz gave him that name.

00:24:15Guest:Really?

00:24:15Guest:Yeah.

00:24:16Guest:How's that story go?

00:24:19Guest:He just said you need a different name and he came up with Dangerfield.

00:24:21Guest:That's the only way I understand it.

00:24:23Marc:So like sitting there though, because I remember when I saw Jackie Vernon, I'd see him on TV with the slideshow bit, I thought he was hilarious, and they brought me, he was like my first comic love when I was 11 or 12 years old.

00:24:34Marc:But I remember seeing like, damn, he's a heavyset guy, he's gotta sit down, he's sweating, he doesn't look well.

00:24:38Marc:No.

00:24:39Marc:There was a whole sort of weird, the visceral effect of seeing a live comic at that age.

00:24:46Marc:Like, that guy's been through some things.

00:24:48Guest:Well, when I saw Rodney come out, those curtains when I was 12, I knew there was something wrong with him.

00:24:52Marc:Yeah.

00:24:52Guest:I mean, he looked like a guy that just got out of, you know, a bull was just shot out of the pen.

00:24:57Guest:Right, right.

00:24:58Marc:And his eyes were big.

00:24:59Guest:Wide-eyed.

00:24:59Guest:Yeah.

00:25:00Guest:You know, I didn't know what coked up was.

00:25:02Marc:Right.

00:25:02Marc:And he was a grown man.

00:25:04Marc:And we're children.

00:25:05Marc:This is a grown man saying these amazingly funny and appropriate things.

00:25:08Guest:People were laughing.

00:25:09Guest:And I had no idea what I was laughing at.

00:25:11Guest:In fact, I still remember a joke.

00:25:12Guest:And I told Rodney, my wife is like a car.

00:25:16Guest:Sometimes I can't get her to turn over in the morning.

00:25:19Guest:And I had no idea what that meant at 12.

00:25:21Guest:Now I'm married.

00:25:22Guest:I understand, of course.

00:25:23Guest:Yeah, yeah.

00:25:24Marc:And you now do the joke, which is good.

00:25:25Guest:It's a tribute.

00:25:27Yeah.

00:25:27Guest:I was with Rodney.

00:25:29Guest:I had the pleasure.

00:25:30Guest:I got a call from his wife three days before he died.

00:25:34Guest:She said, go up and see him at Cedars.

00:25:36Guest:I mean, at UCLA.

00:25:38Guest:And this is the first time you'd met him?

00:25:39Guest:No, no, no.

00:25:41Guest:Before the death story, what was your relationship with Rodney?

00:25:44Guest:Good.

00:25:45Guest:I had met him...

00:25:46Guest:At Catch a Rising Star.

00:25:49Guest:He came in and I went over and I said, Rodney, I got to tell you, when I was 12 years old, I went to see you.

00:25:53Guest:And he goes, all right, you got any jokes?

00:25:56Guest:And they don't want to hear these guys.

00:25:58Marc:Well, he bought jokes.

00:26:00Guest:Yeah.

00:26:00Guest:And that's the first money I ever made in my life.

00:26:02Guest:I mailed him a joke and then he sends me a check for $50.

00:26:06Guest:And he with a note says, are you sure this is your fucking joke?

00:26:10Guest:Because people would see on TV and then they would send him steel.

00:26:14Guest:Right.

00:26:14Guest:And he really was very clear about that.

00:26:17Guest:No steel in here, right?

00:26:18Guest:Right.

00:26:19Guest:And I still have a copy of that check.

00:26:22Guest:The joke was, Rodney would say, you know, I'll tell you, I know I'm getting old.

00:26:27Guest:I went to the cemetery to visit my dad and two guys chased me with shovels.

00:26:31Guest:Yeah, it was a good joke.

00:26:32Guest:Yeah.

00:26:33Marc:Yeah.

00:26:34Marc:And with Rodney, that's like one joke and a string of 30.

00:26:36Marc:Yeah, right.

00:26:37Marc:And he'll knock out in 10 minutes.

00:26:38Marc:Boom, boom, boom.

00:26:39Marc:He's unbelievable.

00:26:41Marc:But after that, after you sold him the joke, you had a bit of a relationship with him?

00:26:44Guest:Yeah.

00:26:45Guest:Yeah.

00:26:45Guest:I got his number and I stayed in touch with him.

00:26:47Guest:And periodically I would see him around the corner.

00:26:50Guest:I would only see him when he'd come in to do a new Tonight Show set.

00:26:52Marc:Yeah.

00:26:53Marc:Were you on the list of people he'd call when he was miserable?

00:26:57Guest:No, but eventually he did start getting in touch with me when he started doing his specials.

00:27:02Marc:Yeah.

00:27:02Guest:And I had turned him down for a special and it made him very angry.

00:27:05Guest:For the ones at Dangerfields?

00:27:07Guest:Yeah.

00:27:08Guest:Those were important specials.

00:27:09Guest:They were very important, but I've always worked clean.

00:27:12Guest:And what happened was, it was Andrew Dice Clay and like... Dom Irera.

00:27:18Guest:Kenison.

00:27:19Guest:They weren't on the same one though, were they?

00:27:21Guest:No, they were on two different ones.

00:27:22Guest:I can't remember which one was on it, but it was, you know, a couple of guys who were really, really funny.

00:27:25Guest:Yeah.

00:27:26Guest:But they didn't work clean at all.

00:27:27Guest:Right.

00:27:27Guest:They were really dirty.

00:27:28Guest:Yeah.

00:27:28Guest:And I chose not to work that way.

00:27:30Guest:And I told Rodney I didn't want to be on the special.

00:27:32Guest:And he was so upset at me.

00:27:34Guest:He goes, Marco, what the fuck is wrong with you?

00:27:37Guest:I'm trying to give you a career break here.

00:27:38Guest:And he said, clean it up.

00:27:39Guest:Clean it up.

00:27:40Guest:Yeah.

00:27:41Guest:Stop with the F word, Rodney.

00:27:42Guest:Will you please straighten it out?

00:27:44Guest:I have a great Rodney story if you want to hear it.

00:27:46Guest:I do.

00:27:47Guest:And it includes.

00:27:48Guest:So anyway, Rodney was always famous for wearing robes.

00:27:51Guest:Yeah.

00:27:52Guest:At his club.

00:27:52Guest:He'd walk in and he'd.

00:27:54Guest:As soon as he was done with the show, right into the robe.

00:27:56Guest:Yeah.

00:27:57Guest:Yeah.

00:27:57Guest:So anyway, one time I saw Rodney in LA and I said, you know, I really want to come see your old Tonight Show.

00:28:02Guest:So he did the Tonight Show with Johnny when it was a 90-minute show, not one hour.

00:28:05Guest:You did too, right?

00:28:06Guest:Yeah, I did five with Johnny.

00:28:08Guest:But when it was an hour?

00:28:09Guest:Yes.

00:28:09Guest:Okay, go ahead.

00:28:10Guest:So these guys used to do like 12 minutes.

00:28:13Guest:Yeah.

00:28:13Guest:And it was incredible.

00:28:15Guest:They do eight standing.

00:28:16Guest:Yeah.

00:28:16Guest:And then they sit down for it.

00:28:17Guest:They had time to film.

00:28:18Guest:It was unbelievable.

00:28:19Guest:It was a 90-minute show.

00:28:20Guest:Yeah.

00:28:20Guest:So I said to Rodney, I would really like to see these old 90-Minute Tonight shows.

00:28:24Guest:He says, if you come to New York, I got him there.

00:28:26Guest:Give me a call.

00:28:28Guest:So one night I'm with Seinfeld, New York, and we're talking.

00:28:31Guest:I said, listen, why don't we call Rodney?

00:28:33Guest:Maybe we'll go up to his house to look at some of these specials.

00:28:36Guest:He says, yes, come on.

00:28:37Guest:So I call Rodney.

00:28:38Guest:I get him on the phone.

00:28:39Guest:I said, I'm with Seinfeld.

00:28:40Guest:Can we come up and see you?

00:28:41Guest:He goes, absolutely.

00:28:43Guest:So I started heading over there with Jerry.

00:28:45Guest:I said to Jerry, I bet you he answers the door wearing a bathrobe.

00:28:50Guest:And Jerry says, no way possible.

00:28:52Guest:I mean, you know, nobody greets guests in their bathrobe.

00:28:56Guest:He's going to put on a shirt.

00:28:57Guest:I said, I'll bet you a dollar.

00:28:58Guest:So he takes me up on the bed.

00:29:01Guest:We shake on it.

00:29:01Guest:Even though Jerry's worth a billion dollars, he still shakes on the dollar.

00:29:05Guest:So anyway.

00:29:06Guest:He wasn't then.

00:29:06Guest:No, he wasn't.

00:29:07Guest:But anyway, we get to the door.

00:29:09Guest:I ring the bell.

00:29:10Guest:Rodney opens.

00:29:11Guest:He's wearing a robe.

00:29:12Guest:And we both start laughing.

00:29:14Guest:Rodney goes, what's so fucking funny here?

00:29:16Guest:So we said, well, I said you were going to wear the robe.

00:29:19Guest:He said, sell.

00:29:21Guest:Rodney takes us in to his bedroom and opens a closet and there's a hundred robes.

00:29:27Guest:A hundred.

00:29:28Guest:And he starts explaining what each robe is like.

00:29:31Guest:It's a piece of art.

00:29:32Guest:Like you would go, you know, this is a Monet.

00:29:35Guest:This is a Van Gogh.

00:29:36Guest:He's going, I got this one in Paris.

00:29:39Guest:Broad gave me this one.

00:29:41Guest:Joe Ansis was there at his house they were friends forever ever best friends so I walk in Joe Ansis is smoking weed Rodney's smoking weed yeah and then we sat down and he showed us a couple of his old tonight shows and it was one of the most pleasant comedy evenings I'd ever spent in my life

00:29:59Guest:That's beautiful.

00:30:01Guest:It's like such a life-changing thing.

00:30:04Guest:It was.

00:30:04Guest:I never forgot it.

00:30:05Guest:And I won a dollar off of Jerry.

00:30:07Marc:Yeah.

00:30:07Guest:Did he pay?

00:30:08Marc:Does he still owe you?

00:30:09Marc:No, he paid.

00:30:10Marc:He paid.

00:30:10Marc:Good.

00:30:12Marc:Well, that's like a lot of people.

00:30:13Marc:I don't know if people know who Joe Lances was, but he's most famous for being Lenny Bruce's roommate when Lenny was starting to take off.

00:30:21Marc:And some people believe that Lenny sort of co-opted.

00:30:25Marc:His personality, because Joe wasn't really capable of performing.

00:30:28Marc:But he and Rodney, from what I understand, wrote jokes for people.

00:30:32Marc:There's an article I read recently.

00:30:34Marc:What was Joe Answers like?

00:30:36Guest:Very quiet.

00:30:37Guest:Oh, really?

00:30:38Guest:Yeah, it was like- He was high.

00:30:41Guest:He was high, and he had his own little TV.

00:30:45Guest:Mm-hmm.

00:30:45Guest:Like a little.

00:30:46Guest:That he carried him?

00:30:47Guest:Nine inch.

00:30:47Guest:He was sitting at a table by himself.

00:30:49Guest:He wouldn't even come over with us.

00:30:50Guest:It was just.

00:30:52Guest:But Joe Antz is.

00:30:54Guest:Lenny Bruce thought was the funniest guy in the world.

00:30:56Guest:Right.

00:30:56Guest:And so did Rodney.

00:30:57Guest:Yeah.

00:30:57Guest:And so did George Shultz.

00:30:59Guest:Right.

00:31:00Marc:But he didn't do stand up really.

00:31:01Guest:Didn't have the balls to go up and do it.

00:31:03Marc:But he seemed to have a big influence on Rodney and Lenny.

00:31:07Marc:Yeah.

00:31:07Marc:He had the eye.

00:31:08Marc:Yeah.

00:31:08Marc:He had the eye.

00:31:08Marc:And he had a sensibility, I guess.

00:31:10Marc:And I guess he probably had the weed.

00:31:12Marc:Yeah.

00:31:12Marc:Well, that's also it.

00:31:13Marc:Yeah.

00:31:14Marc:That's what I heard.

00:31:15Marc:I mean, I'm fascinated with that generation before us, before you.

00:31:20Marc:So, like, I don't want to talk about other people the whole time, but you were there.

00:31:22Marc:You were there for all of it.

00:31:23Marc:You were there for Larry David's beginning.

00:31:25Marc:You were there for everything.

00:31:26Guest:Larry David.

00:31:28Marc:And you and Jerry, I think it's hard for some people to realize that these people were just young, hungry comics at some point.

00:31:34Marc:You guys used to go out to Pips, too?

00:31:36Marc:Oh, yeah.

00:31:36Guest:Well, Jerry worked at Brunberger.

00:31:38Guest:Brew and Burger, sure.

00:31:40Guest:It's a steak and brew type of thing.

00:31:41Guest:And my first road gig was with him in my 1976 Toyota Corella.

00:31:46Guest:We went to Washington, D.C.

00:31:48Guest:together.

00:31:49Guest:What club?

00:31:50Guest:Garvin's Grill in Washington, D.C.

00:31:51Marc:Garvin's Comedy Club, yep.

00:31:53Guest:There's a story.

00:31:54Guest:In the afternoon, she tried to find things to do.

00:31:57Guest:Yeah, of course.

00:31:58Guest:Jerry and I were walking around Washington, and I saw this girl walk by, and I said hello to her.

00:32:03Guest:She says hello back, and we saw her comics.

00:32:07Guest:Anyway, so she comes to the club that night to see the show.

00:32:10Guest:Yeah.

00:32:11Guest:So at the club, she says, why don't you guys come back to my house?

00:32:14Guest:My sister's home.

00:32:16Guest:And you can come hang out there with us.

00:32:18Guest:Yeah.

00:32:19Guest:So we drive her back to her place.

00:32:22Guest:She lives in a, what do they call it?

00:32:26Guest:An embassy.

00:32:27Yeah.

00:32:27Guest:In a bad neighborhood in Washington, it used to be like the Sudanese embassy.

00:32:33Guest:They went out of business, you know.

00:32:34Marc:Sudan went out of business for a while?

00:32:36Guest:It was one of those countries that just left the UN and they left the embassy and they rented this place to her for $1 a year, okay?

00:32:44Guest:Get out.

00:32:44Guest:So she had like a 60-room mansion embassy.

00:32:48Guest:Who the hell was this lady?

00:32:49Guest:Okay, I have no idea who she was.

00:32:51Guest:So...

00:32:51Guest:Jerry and I show up there, and she says, my sister's home, too.

00:32:56Guest:So somehow I'm with this girl, and Jerry's going to get the sister.

00:32:59Guest:Yeah.

00:33:00Guest:But we haven't seen the sister yet.

00:33:02Guest:Yeah.

00:33:03Guest:And we go in, and there's this big staircase, almost like, you remember in Gone with the Wind, the staircase that they come down, this giant staircase?

00:33:08Marc:Yeah, in the mansion, yeah.

00:33:09Guest:So about 15 minutes later, the sister comes down, and it's very dark in the staircase, and we just see, like, blue eyes, like one of those dogs.

00:33:18Guest:You know, the...

00:33:20Guest:Weimaran.

00:33:22Guest:Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:33:23Guest:So anyway, the sister's an albino.

00:33:25Guest:Okay.

00:33:26Guest:Sure.

00:33:27Guest:So that was your date?

00:33:28Guest:No, that was, we left out with Jerry.

00:33:30Guest:He got the albino and I got the sister.

00:33:32Guest:So me and this girl take off and I leave Jerry with the albino.

00:33:35Guest:Yeah.

00:33:36Guest:And Jerry's uncomfortable anyway with most people, but with an albino, he's really uncomfortable.

00:33:42Guest:And...

00:33:45Guest:But you leave him there nonetheless because you're a good friend.

00:33:47Guest:Yeah.

00:33:48Guest:So I go upstairs with the sister and we're out on some balcony and Jerry proceeds to go in search of me with the albino because he can't stay with her.

00:33:58Guest:He just can't.

00:33:59Marc:Where are they?

00:33:59Guest:Yeah.

00:34:01Guest:Are they in here?

00:34:02Guest:Yeah.

00:34:03Guest:So like 15, 20 rooms later, they finally found us and Jerry got me to leave and get him away from the albino.

00:34:10Guest:And what do you have to say about the experience?

00:34:12Yeah.

00:34:12Guest:He thought it was the funniest thing that ever happened to him in his life because he never figured in a million years that he would have spent any time with an albino by himself in a Sudanese ex-embassy.

00:34:23Guest:You know what makes him different than most other comics?

00:34:25Marc:He didn't fuck the albino.

00:34:27Guest:Yeah.

00:34:30Marc:That's the difference between- That's why he's a success.

00:34:33Marc:That's right.

00:34:33Marc:Between Jerry Seinfeld and 90% of the other comics, the story they would have went for was, you ever had sex with an albino?

00:34:41Guest:Jerry just was like, what did you leave me there for?

00:34:43Guest:You just figured the key to success.

00:34:46Guest:Don't fuck the albino.

00:34:48Marc:It's like a fairy tale.

00:34:51Marc:When you're at a crossroads and there's the albino woman offering herself to you, go the other way.

00:34:55Marc:That's in Jerry's book.

00:34:57Marc:It should be.

00:34:59Marc:So you did the Tonight Show.

00:35:01Marc:I remember seeing you.

00:35:02Marc:I mean, it was very early on.

00:35:04Marc:Now, the decision to work clean was what?

00:35:07Guest:It was just a decision that I made with some of my friends early on.

00:35:13Guest:We just, my heroes were all clean.

00:35:15Marc:So would that have been like, that would have been like Larry Miller probably.

00:35:18Marc:Larry Miller, Jerry.

00:35:19Guest:He works clean.

00:35:20Guest:Jerry works clean.

00:35:21Marc:Reiser.

00:35:22Guest:Reiser.

00:35:22Guest:Dennis Wolfberg for the most part.

00:35:24Marc:We all pretty much.

00:35:25Marc:But it was a conversation you had.

00:35:26Guest:Yeah.

00:35:27Guest:I remember we did talk about, you know, it's something that just interested us.

00:35:30Marc:Yeah.

00:35:31Yeah.

00:35:31Guest:And again, my hero was Bill Cosby.

00:35:33Guest:Yeah.

00:35:34Guest:I mean, for my money, he's the greatest stand-up that ever lived.

00:35:37Marc:Yeah.

00:35:38Guest:So, you know, that's who I heard.

00:35:40Guest:That's who I liked.

00:35:42Guest:And everybody worked clean those days, the generation before us.

00:35:47Marc:You see, I'm just being, like, I think I'm sloppy with that.

00:35:50Marc:And, you know, I know it's weird.

00:35:53Yeah.

00:35:53Marc:I've been on TV dozens of times, and I can certainly do it.

00:35:58Marc:But when I'm doing it live, I'm just saying fuck every other word.

00:36:01Marc:But I know I can do it.

00:36:04Marc:But there's something, for some reason, not as satisfying to me when I can't do that.

00:36:11Marc:But it probably feels pretty good to work with.

00:36:13Guest:I mean, George Carlin himself admitted that he used F to punch it up.

00:36:18Marc:It becomes a punctuation that you're not aware of, though.

00:36:22Marc:He was very anal about it.

00:36:23Marc:I'm sure he used it very meticulously.

00:36:24Marc:I'm going to put a fuck here.

00:36:25Marc:I'm going to put one here.

00:36:26Marc:Yeah, me, it's just sort of like this fucking thing.

00:36:29Marc:It's a sloppy way of talking.

00:36:31Marc:And I feel bad about it sometimes.

00:36:32Guest:I did try the other way, and it just didn't suit me.

00:36:35Marc:Yeah, why do you remember the joke?

00:36:39Marc:Because with you, it had to be like, I'm going to decide to do a dirty joke.

00:36:43Marc:I'm going to say this here.

00:36:45Guest:Well, I'll tell you the reason.

00:36:46Guest:I had a real legitimate reason.

00:36:47Guest:I was not allowed to curse at home when I was a kid.

00:36:49Marc:Yeah.

00:36:50Guest:Even though my mother cursed.

00:36:51Guest:We were never supposed to, right?

00:36:52Guest:Right, but I was not.

00:36:53Guest:If I cursed, I just never did.

00:36:55Guest:I never slipped.

00:36:56Guest:Yeah, right, right, right.

00:36:57Guest:I was just a non-slipper.

00:36:59Yeah.

00:36:59Guest:When I got up on stage, if I saw everybody... You remember when you first started, everybody was older than you in the audience a little bit?

00:37:04Guest:I mean, they were like... It felt like it, yeah.

00:37:07Guest:I mean... Or every once in a while, I would see people who looked like my parents in the audience.

00:37:10Guest:Right, right.

00:37:11Guest:And I go, oh, you can't curse.

00:37:12Marc:Yeah.

00:37:12Guest:There's your parents.

00:37:13Marc:Yeah, a bunch of them.

00:37:15Marc:They're all your parents.

00:37:15Guest:Yeah, all of them.

00:37:16Guest:Everybody older than you was like your parents.

00:37:18Marc:I think there's a lot of truth to that in general as an intellectual concept.

00:37:22Marc:It's like, these are my parents.

00:37:24Marc:I hope I can please them.

00:37:26Guest:Don't you stop cursing when you see a doctor?

00:37:28Marc:It depends on the doctor.

00:37:30Guest:Okay, but you know, for the most part, if you're... Yeah.

00:37:33Marc:Am I okay, Doc?

00:37:34Marc:And what the fuck is wrong with me?

00:37:35Guest:No, you just... My fucking leg is killing me.

00:37:40Marc:You know, you just don't... I'm very sloppy with it because being a comic for as long as I've been, you actually are... You're socially retarded in practical situations.

00:37:49Marc:Not having to spend time in a workplace, you know, concepts like sexual harassment, proper... Oh, God.

00:37:56Marc:appropriateness and conversation did they elude me me too because we've never had no we're animals right and holidays yeah when everyone else is off what's today yeah well who cares you know yeah people hate that you gotta have some sympathy empathy around that you really do when they get that day off that means a lot yeah yeah oh today is a holiday yeah good for you how does it feel to have a day off i get every day off i know

00:38:19Marc:I'm self-employed.

00:38:21Marc:You can garner a lot of resentment for that.

00:38:23Marc:So you don't have a real job.

00:38:25Marc:It is a real job.

00:38:26Marc:Are you kidding me?

00:38:26Marc:Totally.

00:38:27Marc:Yeah, we threw our life in the toilet and took a risk.

00:38:29Marc:That's it.

00:38:32Marc:What do you got?

00:38:34Marc:What, you got a pension?

00:38:34Marc:You got security?

00:38:36Marc:Throw your life in the toilet.

00:38:37Marc:Live a little.

00:38:37Marc:That's right.

00:38:38Marc:So when did the first Tonight Show?

00:38:40Guest:Well, how it happened, if you want to hear the story, it's quite a unique story.

00:38:43Guest:We're talking on microphones.

00:38:44Guest:Why not?

00:38:45Guest:And I do cursing this story because it's part of the system.

00:38:48Marc:All right.

00:38:49Marc:So let me prepare people that are fans of yours are going to be shocked that you're cursing.

00:38:53Marc:Maybe your rabbi's listening.

00:38:54Marc:We shouldn't.

00:38:56Marc:Jim McCauley from the Tonight Show.

00:38:58Marc:Booker of the Tonight Show.

00:38:59Guest:Legendary.

00:39:00Guest:Legendary Booker of the Tonight Show.

00:39:02Guest:Yeah.

00:39:02Guest:who we all wanted to get in front of to get to tonight's show, comes into the comic strip to see a bunch of us.

00:39:09Marc:Yeah.

00:39:10Guest:So I go up on stage.

00:39:11Guest:Those are those showcase nights where you're sitting there like, oh, the audience, I hope they hold up.

00:39:14Guest:Yeah, and you hope Belzer was in DMC who did 45 minutes in between each act, you know, in front of like Jim McCauley.

00:39:22Marc:Buzzed out, doing Mick Jagger impressions.

00:39:24Guest:Buzzed out, doing Mick Jagger, the bar mitzvah, for 45 minutes, not bringing up the next act to showcase in front of the biggest thing that ever happened to him.

00:39:32Yeah.

00:39:32Marc:Unbelievable.

00:39:33Marc:Have you dealt with this resentment towards Richard?

00:39:37Marc:No, no.

00:39:38Guest:It's not really a resentment, but it's true.

00:39:41Marc:Yeah, I know.

00:39:41Marc:I mean, it's just the way it was.

00:39:43Marc:It worked out all right for him, huh?

00:39:44Marc:In the long run?

00:39:45Guest:Well, as he said, funny got him a serious job.

00:39:50Mm-hmm.

00:39:50Marc:I think he's a sweet guy.

00:39:51Marc:He is a sweet guy.

00:39:52Marc:I haven't talked to him.

00:39:53Marc:I'd like to talk to him.

00:39:54Marc:But he's in France a lot, right?

00:39:55Guest:He has a house in France.

00:39:57Marc:Yeah.

00:39:58Marc:That's nice.

00:39:58Guest:Yeah.

00:39:59Guest:Could be.

00:39:59Guest:Where do you live?

00:40:00Guest:Oh, you live over here.

00:40:01Guest:Yeah, right over here.

00:40:01Guest:Yeah.

00:40:02Marc:All right.

00:40:02Marc:So, okay.

00:40:02Guest:So, anyway.

00:40:03Guest:So, Jim McCauley comes in to see about five or six people.

00:40:05Guest:Yeah.

00:40:05Guest:I go up on stage.

00:40:06Guest:I do my five minutes.

00:40:07Guest:Yeah.

00:40:07Guest:I get a standing ovation.

00:40:08Guest:Right.

00:40:09Guest:You know how hard it is to get a standing ovation?

00:40:11Guest:At the comic strip?

00:40:11Guest:Yeah.

00:40:12Marc:Or in general.

00:40:13Guest:Yeah.

00:40:13Guest:In general.

00:40:13Guest:You can do an hour and they don't want to stand.

00:40:14Guest:You kill.

00:40:15Guest:I kill.

00:40:16Guest:I totally destroy.

00:40:17Marc:Yeah.

00:40:17Yeah.

00:40:18Guest:Jim talks to a couple people, doesn't talk to me, and then leaves.

00:40:23Guest:So I walk outside of the comic strip, and I say, Jim, you got a second?

00:40:27Guest:He goes, sure, what's up, Mark?

00:40:28Guest:So I said, what do you think?

00:40:30Guest:He goes, not Johnny's type of comic.

00:40:34Guest:You're not right for Johnny.

00:40:38Guest:Yeah.

00:40:38Guest:So I said, I got a standing ovation.

00:40:40Guest:Didn't you see?

00:40:41Guest:I mean, he says, I know I saw it, but you're just not right for Johnny.

00:40:45Guest:I said, but they were standing.

00:40:46Guest:I mean, it's unbelievable.

00:40:48Guest:I mean, I killed him.

00:40:49Guest:He goes, I can't help you.

00:40:50Guest:And he turns and walks away.

00:40:52Guest:So I yell, fuck you.

00:40:53Marc:Oh, yeah.

00:40:54Guest:Yeah.

00:40:55Guest:And he turns around and says, you will never get The Tonight Show.

00:41:01Guest:And then leaves.

00:41:02Guest:Cut to seven years later, seven years.

00:41:05Guest:I'm in San Francisco at the Punchline, and the show's about to start, and Jim McCauley walks in.

00:41:12Guest:And he says, hey, Mark, how you doing?

00:41:13Guest:You here tonight?

00:41:14Guest:So I said, yeah.

00:41:15Guest:I said, what are you doing here?

00:41:15Guest:He says, I came to see the guy that's opening for you.

00:41:18Guest:Yeah.

00:41:19Guest:Do you remember who that was?

00:41:20Guest:I don't.

00:41:20Guest:All right.

00:41:21Guest:He says, I came to see the guy that's opening for you.

00:41:23Guest:I said, oh, great.

00:41:23Guest:He says, I got nothing to do.

00:41:25Guest:You mind if I stick around and watch you after?

00:41:27Guest:So I said, sure.

00:41:29Guest:And I go up on stage.

00:41:31Guest:He comes after me after the show.

00:41:32Guest:He goes, you got the show.

00:41:34Guest:Right?

00:41:35Guest:Yeah.

00:41:35Guest:So I didn't go, fuck you.

00:41:37Guest:I should have.

00:41:38Guest:And no mention of any of that because I didn't want to bring it up.

00:41:41Guest:He used to drink a lot.

00:41:42Guest:So thank God maybe he'd erased that from his memory or something.

00:41:46Guest:So he gave me the show.

00:41:47Guest:Two weeks later, I was on Tonight Show.

00:41:50Guest:and that seven years after how long you've been doing comedy when he saw you the first time i was doing it about five years 12 years and you got the tonight show yeah but seven years of just like knowing that you fucked it up oh yeah and i would see him come at the improv all the time and everywhere and i would just say hello to him and was he nice to you

00:42:10Guest:Hey, Mark, he wouldn't have any conversation with any comic that wasn't on The Tonight Show because he knew what we wanted, and it was uncomfortable for him.

00:42:19Guest:So I did the show, and it went so well, and then he started inviting me out on his boat to go sailing with him.

00:42:24Guest:I mean, I went from the fuck you kid to why don't you come sailing with me?

00:42:28Marc:But you never brought up that story again, ever?

00:42:30Marc:No, never brought it up to him again.

00:42:31Marc:Now, when you did that, because I remember seeing you,

00:42:36Marc:and it's coming back to me now, that there definitely seemed to be, even in all your charm, and I think you were fairly endearing and cute in a way back then, but you seemed hostile.

00:42:49Marc:Right.

00:42:50Marc:That there was definitely, no matter what you were doing, there was an intensity to it that seemed like there was a good quantity of rage in there.

00:43:00Guest:There was anger issues.

00:43:01Guest:There's no doubt about it.

00:43:02Guest:Absolutely.

00:43:03Guest:I was very angry.

00:43:04Guest:It took me years and years to work them out.

00:43:06Marc:Because there's those moments, because I've had them, but not as specific as that, where you've got this opportunity.

00:43:15Marc:And it's a rare comedian.

00:43:19Marc:And I think the guys that you hung out with are good examples of it, like Seinfeld and Reiser and Larry Miller even.

00:43:26Marc:Yeah.

00:43:26Marc:that could somehow have some foresight and be socially appropriate and be political in their relationships to know that there's a career path here.

00:43:36Marc:Right.

00:43:37Marc:When I was younger, I had no concept of that.

00:43:39Marc:Right.

00:43:39Marc:It was sort of like, you know, you didn't like me?

00:43:41Marc:Why the fuck not?

00:43:42Marc:Who the fuck are you?

00:43:43Marc:What difference does it make?

00:43:43Marc:I'm fucking doing what I want to do.

00:43:45Marc:Like there was no... It was all about like that immediate gratification and like me, you know, when is my turn?

00:43:51Marc:Did you have that?

00:43:51Guest:Yes, I did.

00:43:52Guest:Exactly.

00:43:53Guest:I was... Yeah, I would...

00:43:55Guest:I would get in your face if you weren't giving it to me.

00:43:58Guest:I mean, one night at the Improv, Bob Shaw.

00:44:02Guest:I love Bob Shaw.

00:44:03Guest:I love Bob Shaw.

00:44:03Guest:The tongue story, the funniest story probably in the history of comedy.

00:44:07Guest:Which one is that?

00:44:09Guest:A guy that takes a drug and he can't get his tongue to go straight.

00:44:12Guest:It's just enormous.

00:44:13Guest:If you look it up on YouTube.

00:44:14Guest:Didn't he do a Gandhi bit too?

00:44:15Marc:Yes, he did.

00:44:17Marc:The first time I met him, I went on.

00:44:18Marc:He was at the Improv hanging out before he moved out here.

00:44:20Marc:It must have been 89 years.

00:44:22Marc:the the dying improv you know in its last legs there with silver and i got off stage i never met him he goes hi i'm bob shaw i really like your stuff i'll let you know how it works right right so one night he says to me he's uh the uh mc at the improv so he says you're our next mark yeah

00:44:42Guest:And he never puts me on.

00:44:43Guest:Never.

00:44:44Guest:I would hang around every night.

00:44:45Guest:He goes, you're on next.

00:44:45Guest:Bud said that?

00:44:46Guest:No, Bob Shaw.

00:44:47Marc:Oh, he was running the show.

00:44:48Guest:Yeah.

00:44:48Guest:So this is about the anger thing.

00:44:49Guest:So he says, you're on next.

00:44:51Guest:So I said, fine.

00:44:52Guest:Then Ronnie Shakes, who was a dear friend of mine.

00:44:56Guest:Very funny guy.

00:44:57Guest:Died very young of a heart attack.

00:44:58Guest:Comes in.

00:45:00Guest:And Bob says, hey, Ronnie, you want to go on next?

00:45:02Guest:Yeah.

00:45:02Guest:So Ronnie says, sure.

00:45:03Guest:So I go over to Bob and I go, you told me I was gonna go on next.

00:45:07Guest:He goes, yeah, but Ronnie's a lot funnier than you.

00:45:10Guest:So then Bob turns and walks away and I had a Coke in my hand and I threw a glass of Coke at his head.

00:45:14Guest:And I just missed him like by an inch, hit the wall, broke against the wall.

00:45:18Guest:And so that was another one of those anger

00:45:22Guest:So you were a nutbag.

00:45:23Guest:Total nutbag.

00:45:24Guest:Total nutbag.

00:45:26Guest:Like, it wasn't like, you know... I'm going to tell you a story that is so funny, hopefully you'll think so, about anger.

00:45:35Guest:It's something that I did, okay?

00:45:36Marc:Yeah.

00:45:37Guest:And it's... Okay, so they never put me on at the improv.

00:45:41Guest:Yeah.

00:45:41Guest:I would hang out night after night after night after night.

00:45:43Guest:When Bud was there?

00:45:44Guest:No, Bud had already left.

00:45:45Guest:Okay.

00:45:46Guest:Chris Albrecht was running the joint.

00:45:48Guest:And Silver.

00:45:48Guest:And Silver and all that.

00:45:50Guest:So...

00:45:52Guest:In the back of the club at the improv, there was a little tiny wall, and behind that wall was a telephone, a dial telephone.

00:46:00Marc:Yeah, I know where that was, by the kitchen.

00:46:02Guest:Yeah, all the way back.

00:46:03Guest:Oh, no, no, you mean in the bar.

00:46:04Guest:In the bar.

00:46:04Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:46:05Guest:That's exactly what it is, in the back, right?

00:46:06Guest:So...

00:46:07Guest:I went back there and I was making a call and I was so angry because I wasn't getting on.

00:46:11Guest:Nobody would put me on.

00:46:13Guest:And I had a Bic lighter and it was a plastic dial.

00:46:15Guest:Yeah.

00:46:15Guest:And I took the lighter and I burnt the dial.

00:46:18Guest:Yeah.

00:46:18Guest:So nobody could dial the phone.

00:46:21Guest:You'll show them.

00:46:21Guest:Yeah, I'll show them.

00:46:22Guest:So anyway...

00:46:24Guest:About two weeks later, I'm back there, and they got a new dial in.

00:46:28Guest:So I take my lighter out, and I burn the dial again.

00:46:31Guest:So Chris gathers everybody about a month or two later and says, one of you fucking guys, somebody's burning the dial on the phone.

00:46:41Guest:If I find out who it is, I'm going to kill the guy.

00:46:43Guest:And I burnt five more dials.

00:46:47Guest:Nobody can make a phone call out of the club for about a year.

00:46:52Guest:And the phone company refused to come.

00:46:55Marc:After a while.

00:46:56Marc:Manage your fucking club.

00:46:59Marc:It's not our fault after some point.

00:47:01Marc:You need to get a guy on the phone watching it.

00:47:04Guest:Is this the first time you've admitted that?

00:47:06Guest:I never did it publicly like this, admitted it.

00:47:10Guest:But I got to like the 25-year, you know, it's over.

00:47:14Guest:And Chris was completely livid about it.

00:47:17Marc:I hope Chris Albrecht is over at Starz Television.

00:47:20Marc:It's like, that's the fucking guy.

00:47:23Guest:Yeah.

00:47:23Guest:Well, he will remember it in a blink of an eye because it was such a thorn in his side.

00:47:29Marc:Yeah, he would remember.

00:47:30Guest:Well, because what happened is every comic now had to use his phone, which was the business phone, and he was tying it up, and he couldn't get business calls.

00:47:37Guest:Right.

00:47:38Guest:So he would remember.

00:47:39Guest:Oh, in a blink of an eye.

00:47:40Marc:So do you, when you look back at your career, you did Johnny five times.

00:47:46Marc:Did Johnny like you?

00:47:47Marc:Did he call you over?

00:47:47Marc:Did he do?

00:47:48Guest:Yes, he did.

00:47:48Guest:I went on the couch with him, and in fact, maybe the greatest honor just about ever bestowed upon me was Johnny...

00:47:56Guest:At the end of his life, after he retired, he put out what they call the Ultimate Johnny Carson Collection.

00:48:02Guest:Sure, I remember those.

00:48:03Guest:Which is like 12 DVDs.

00:48:05Marc:Of bits and pieces and guests and things.

00:48:07Guest:Yeah, guests and sets and whatever.

00:48:09Guest:What's his name with the axe between the legs and all that stuff.

00:48:12Guest:And he picked his 10 favorite first-time comedians ever on the show, and I was one of those comics.

00:48:18Marc:Oh, that's tremendous.

00:48:19Marc:Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:48:20Guest:That was a big honor.

00:48:21Marc:So, do you look back, like, you know, I don't really know...

00:48:26Marc:what you've been doing for a while?

00:48:29Marc:I mean, when I bring your name up, which I do, usually you get like, he's very religious now, and he doesn't work on weekends.

00:48:37Marc:Mark Wiener, him and Mark Wiener, and the other guy, there's one other guy.

00:48:40Marc:Who was that guy?

00:48:42Marc:Richard Morris?

00:48:43Marc:Yeah, Richard Morris, right, right.

00:48:45Marc:You, Mark Wiener, and Richard Morris.

00:48:46Marc:The Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost of Jews.

00:48:49Marc:No weekends for them.

00:48:50Marc:Fridays are out.

00:48:51Marc:But do you look back and think,

00:48:54Marc:That your anger crippled you somehow?

00:48:56Marc:That you blew it?

00:48:58Guest:You mean career-wise?

00:48:59Guest:Yeah.

00:49:01Guest:Yeah.

00:49:01Guest:Yeah, I think to some degree what happened was I had such an anger that when I would go to auditions and things or do things, it wouldn't...

00:49:13Guest:I would be so upset and intense that I would freeze up and I wouldn't be available.

00:49:19Guest:Preemptively.

00:49:20Marc:Like, before you got in, you're like, they're not going to like me.

00:49:23Marc:Who the fuck are these people?

00:49:24Marc:What was the dialogue?

00:49:24Guest:Yeah, there was all that stuff.

00:49:25Guest:You know the lawnmower joke, right?

00:49:27Guest:No.

00:49:28Guest:You know, a guy's thinking his lawnmower broke, so he's on his way over to his neighbor to borrow the lawnmower.

00:49:33Guest:Yeah.

00:49:33Guest:And as he's walking over, he goes, he's never going to lend it to me.

00:49:35Guest:And even if I ask him, I don't like him.

00:49:37Guest:He doesn't like me.

00:49:38Guest:You know, he hates my wife.

00:49:39Guest:He rings the bell.

00:49:41Guest:The guy opens the door and the guy goes...

00:49:43Guest:Fuck you, I don't want you one more.

00:49:46Guest:Right, yeah.

00:49:47Guest:Right.

00:49:49Guest:How do I not know that joke?

00:49:51Guest:It's a great joke.

00:49:53Guest:So I would wind myself up.

00:49:55Guest:I was the lawnmower guy.

00:49:56Guest:Yeah.

00:49:56Guest:By the time I got there, I don't want any of your shit anyway, so I don't need you.

00:50:03Guest:Let's not even bother with this.

00:50:05Guest:Yeah.

00:50:05Guest:Well.

00:50:06Guest:Oh, shit.

00:50:07Guest:Let me tell you what I dealt with on the- You could really string that joke out too for a while.

00:50:10Guest:Oh, you can.

00:50:11Guest:It goes on and on.

00:50:12Guest:It goes on and on.

00:50:14Guest:When I did The Tonight Show with Johnny,

00:50:17Guest:I remember sitting on the panel.

00:50:19Guest:This is what would happen.

00:50:20Guest:Yeah.

00:50:20Guest:So I'm talking to Johnny and I'm doing my jokes.

00:50:22Guest:And then he says, OK, Mark, that's great.

00:50:24Guest:And in those days you would move over.

00:50:26Guest:Right.

00:50:27Guest:You didn't just leave.

00:50:28Guest:Right.

00:50:28Guest:Yeah.

00:50:28Marc:Another guy came out.

00:50:29Guest:So one time Cindy Crawford comes on.

00:50:33Guest:Sure.

00:50:33Guest:After.

00:50:34Guest:Yeah.

00:50:34Guest:So he's talking to Cindy and the voice in my head says, stand up right now and just yell, fuck you.

00:50:40Guest:in my head.

00:50:42Guest:Just do it, Mark.

00:50:44Guest:And I was really wrestling with this inner demon here.

00:50:49Guest:What?

00:50:50Guest:And these are the attacks, the anger attacks I would get.

00:50:53Guest:Rather than sit there and enjoy the moment, like here I am on the panel with Johnny, the voice in the head is going, do something crazy and angry.

00:51:02Marc:But fuck you.

00:51:04Marc:That's not even funny.

00:51:05Marc:I mean, the voice in your head is not gunning for the laugh.

00:51:08Marc:No, not gunning for the laugh.

00:51:09Marc:It's like, let's make this a different show.

00:51:11Marc:Let's make this the show that Mark Schiff said fuck you on.

00:51:14Marc:And just blow it all up.

00:51:15Marc:Yeah.

00:51:16Marc:Yeah.

00:51:16Marc:Where do you think that came from?

00:51:19Marc:Can you track it?

00:51:20Guest:I can track, you know, there was a lot of anger in my house growing up, so I swallowed a lot of it, and that's what I learned.

00:51:26Guest:The old man?

00:51:28Guest:The mother.

00:51:28Guest:Oh, raging.

00:51:29Guest:So that's what I saw.

00:51:30Guest:Yeah.

00:51:31Guest:And all is forgiven now.

00:51:33Guest:Sure.

00:51:33Guest:But that's what I saw, and that's how I learned to react.

00:51:37Marc:Yeah, yeah.

00:51:38Marc:Because, like, there's one thing about anger is, like, no matter what's going on,

00:51:41Marc:even if it's a resolvable problem once an anger hits a certain pitch it's all about that right that then it's like whatever it's about doesn't matter no and usually if you're an angry person it's not about whatever the hell you're yelling about anyways no it's just this river that runs through you anyone that's yelling looks like a crazy person i know i'm i've been that guy yeah two days ago i was that guy

00:52:05Marc:But it's not like you ever stop working.

00:52:09Marc:You do stand-up, you did some writing, you've been on television shows and everything else.

00:52:13Guest:And I have very, very long-term friendships.

00:52:17Guest:Yeah, yeah.

00:52:18Guest:I do not blow out friendships.

00:52:21Guest:you never did nope no i got friends forever i mean so my comedy buddies have uh we've been together for 30 something years you and shidener and jerry jerry and you open for jerry sometimes right yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah and that's sweet huh yeah uh 8 000 you know i knew you had 2 500 3 000 4 000 people yeah and uh it's great

00:52:43Guest:It's the great gig.

00:52:45Guest:It's the great gig.

00:52:47Guest:So you all take care of each other.

00:52:48Marc:Yeah.

00:52:49Marc:Now, was there something around the anger?

00:52:56Marc:What made you become more religious?

00:53:00Guest:Well, I was actually born a believer.

00:53:03Guest:I was just born with it.

00:53:04Guest:I was born like I always believed in God, and I never had to wrestle with it.

00:53:08Guest:Never had to wrestle with it my whole life.

00:53:10Guest:But you did step up your game.

00:53:12Guest:Yeah.

00:53:12Guest:Well, I happen to like fanatical people.

00:53:17Guest:I love fanatics.

00:53:18Guest:Why?

00:53:19Guest:Why?

00:53:19Guest:I can't tell you why, because I somehow feel that fanatics are doing it right.

00:53:24Guest:Any of them, even the ones that are dangerous.

00:53:27Guest:Well, even for what they're doing, they're doing a good job at it.

00:53:30Marc:So you say the Nazis were very good.

00:53:32Guest:At what they did.

00:53:34Guest:at what they did yeah i was thinking about hillary the other day i was thinking if hitler was still alive now i know he'd be 90 something yeah if he would have eased up on the jews if he would go you know maybe they weren't that bad you know i don't know what i was thinking i was a kid i you know who knew that's right that's right and you know the jews would say too late too late give me my grandparents back that's it that's it

00:53:56Marc:Yeah, I don't know.

00:53:57Marc:Well, I mean, there's probably an argument to be made for that, you know, like in the same way anybody mellows.

00:54:03Marc:Eventually, you know, the sad thing about that is that, you know, if Hitler were 190, there might be an outside chance that he would, you know, people would say, well, what about the Holocaust?

00:54:12Marc:He goes, what?

00:54:13Marc:What did I do?

00:54:14Guest:What did I do?

00:54:15Guest:What's for lunch?

00:54:16Guest:They would have some drug.

00:54:17Guest:He probably had some disease they would name.

00:54:21Marc:Sure, sure.

00:54:22Marc:He had problems.

00:54:22Marc:There's a reason to feel sorry for him.

00:54:24Marc:Hitler apologists.

00:54:26Marc:He's difficult.

00:54:28Marc:He had anger problems.

00:54:29Guest:Anger problems.

00:54:30Marc:Yeah, I guess at that level it doesn't matter.

00:54:32Marc:But fanatics, you find their commitment impressive.

00:54:35Guest:Yeah, the level of commitment is impressive, especially in this day and age.

00:54:39Guest:So some of these religious people that I hang around with are very unbelievably committed, much more than I will ever be.

00:54:44Guest:And to watch them is actually inspiring on some level.

00:54:48Marc:But you don't find it exclusionary or perhaps narrow-minded?

00:54:54Marc:No.

00:54:55Guest:No.

00:54:59Guest:Exclusionary how?

00:55:00Guest:Like not respectful of other?

00:55:03Guest:Well, no, I think that, I don't know, are you orthodox?

00:55:06Guest:Yeah, I go to an orthodox synagogue.

00:55:09Marc:Right, right.

00:55:09Marc:And so you pray every day.

00:55:11Marc:You do tefillin every day?

00:55:12Marc:You know, I'm hit or miss.

00:55:13Marc:I'm hit or miss.

00:55:14Marc:On that.

00:55:14Marc:Yeah.

00:55:15Marc:But you do pray every day.

00:55:16Marc:Yeah, I do.

00:55:17Marc:So, look, I understand all that.

00:55:19Marc:You know, I'm Jewish and I understand the power of ritual.

00:55:23Marc:I understand the power of prayer even.

00:55:26Marc:But I do find, you know, I talk about Hasidim in a slightly judgmental and negative way.

00:55:32Marc:Because I find them to be bizarre and exclusionary.

00:55:36Marc:They're not going to accept me as a Jew unless it's in a trailer and they're forcing me to pray and maybe I join the Chabad.

00:55:42Marc:But essentially, it's a bit exclusionary unless you jump through quite a few hoops and you prove yourself to be of that ilk.

00:55:50Guest:The Chabad would accept you, but the other groups of them wouldn't accept me or other people.

00:55:59Marc:Yeah, so those are the far end of the Jewish fanatic.

00:56:03Guest:Right, right, right.

00:56:03Marc:But that impressive to you?

00:56:06Guest:You know, I find them interesting.

00:56:07Guest:I don't find them... They're off in their own world somewhere.

00:56:11Guest:I don't...

00:56:14Guest:If they were infringing on me, but, you know, it's their own business, I think.

00:56:19Guest:You know, it doesn't...

00:56:21Guest:I don't do anything dangerous.

00:56:23Guest:I don't know.

00:56:23Marc:Sure.

00:56:24Marc:Now, in terms of ritual, like, so you do all the things.

00:56:28Guest:I try.

00:56:29Guest:Yeah.

00:56:29Guest:I mean, I don't do everything, but I do.

00:56:32Guest:What are the basics, if I wanted to get involved?

00:56:35Guest:Okay, so your basic kit?

00:56:37Guest:Yeah, I want the basic Jewy Jew kit.

00:56:40Guest:Well, you need a pair of civilian.

00:56:41Marc:Yeah, I don't have that.

00:56:42Guest:You need that.

00:56:42Marc:I have a talus.

00:56:43Guest:Okay, you got a talus.

00:56:44Marc:See my talus right there on the shelf?

00:56:45Marc:Right there.

00:56:46Marc:See the red bag?

00:56:46Guest:Yeah, it's in the bag.

00:56:47Guest:That's an old bag, too.

00:56:48Guest:The old velvet bag.

00:56:48Marc:Yeah, yeah.

00:56:49Marc:The old velvet talus bag.

00:56:49Marc:Yeah, my grandfather gave me that talus.

00:56:51Guest:Yeah, because that's not a kid's talus bag.

00:56:52Guest:That's a large size talus bag.

00:56:54Guest:That's what you get when you're bar mitzvahed.

00:56:55Guest:Step up.

00:56:56Guest:Your bar mitzvah talus is in there?

00:56:57Guest:Yeah.

00:56:58Guest:Oh, wow.

00:56:59Marc:Yeah.

00:56:59Marc:When else do you get a talus?

00:57:01Marc:Well, I had a small talus bag when I was a kid.

00:57:03Marc:Oh, you know what?

00:57:04Marc:You know what?

00:57:05Marc:I don't think that is.

00:57:06Marc:Yeah, it doesn't look like it.

00:57:07Marc:I think I was given my other grandfather's talus and tefillin in a blue bag that was beat up, and I don't know where that is.

00:57:13Marc:I bought that in Israel.

00:57:14Marc:Okay, there you go.

00:57:15Marc:How about that for an eye?

00:57:16Marc:Good for you.

00:57:18Marc:Yeah.

00:57:18Marc:You called me out on my shit.

00:57:19Marc:I can no longer call that my bar mitzvah talus.

00:57:22Marc:Well, you call it whatever you want.

00:57:24Marc:It's the one I bought in Israel because I thought, like, I'm here.

00:57:26Marc:I might as well get a nice one.

00:57:28Guest:Right.

00:57:28Guest:Yeah, and you got one.

00:57:29Guest:Yeah.

00:57:30Guest:So, you want to put up mezuzahs on your house.

00:57:34Marc:No, I don't have that.

00:57:34Guest:Okay, you know where the mezuzah is.

00:57:35Marc:Yeah, I had one when I was married to a Jew, and then I married another person.

00:57:38Marc:This one's, I don't know.

00:57:39Marc:But yeah, maybe you're right.

00:57:40Marc:Because you want people to know where you are when they come to get you.

00:57:43Marc:That's right.

00:57:43Marc:Yeah, I'm sure that joke has been done.

00:57:45Guest:Simply put the blood on the door.

00:57:46Guest:Yeah.

00:57:49Guest:So... Mezuzah?

00:57:50Guest:Mezuzah.

00:57:51Marc:I need some tefillin.

00:57:52Marc:I don't have any tefillin.

00:57:53Guest:And a prayer book and... Prayer book.

00:57:55Marc:Which prayer book?

00:57:56Marc:Just a straight up Bible or the Jewish prayer book?

00:57:58Marc:Well, you need the Torah.

00:58:00Marc:You need the Torah.

00:58:00Guest:I think I have that.

00:58:01Marc:I have a Torah.

00:58:02Marc:But I have it in English.

00:58:03Marc:That's fine.

00:58:04Marc:God speaks English.

00:58:05Marc:Okay, good, good, good.

00:58:06Marc:So I've got a Torah.

00:58:06Marc:I've got the five books somewhere.

00:58:08Guest:The five books of Moses.

00:58:09Guest:And then you need your little daily prayer book.

00:58:11Guest:And you got the penis clipped?

00:58:14Marc:Yeah, that's all done.

00:58:16Marc:Well, you're in.

00:58:17Marc:I'm good.

00:58:17Marc:You're in.

00:58:18Marc:I just need some accessories.

00:58:20Marc:I just need to accessorize my Judaism.

00:58:21Guest:Yeah, once you got the clip thing, you're officially, because you can't actually go to the Jewish side without the clip right there.

00:58:27Guest:Yeah, but what about the tattoo thing?

00:58:29Guest:No, that's fine.

00:58:30Guest:Oh, they let that in now?

00:58:31Marc:You can get in now.

00:58:32Guest:It was never true.

00:58:33Guest:Oh, okay.

00:58:34Guest:Yeah.

00:58:34Guest:So Andy Wayne's good.

00:58:36Guest:Andy's good to go.

00:58:37Guest:he's still alive cut his arm off and bury that in the geisha cemetery the arm he's he's still alive you know he writes me emails me once a year twice a year and i never answer him yeah he's not all there anymore yeah he had some problems yeah i don't know why he used to talk about you constantly yeah he loved you we were very close he loved you yeah we traveled all through portland and all kinds of we went to alaska together

00:59:03Marc:Yeah.

00:59:04Marc:Oh, you're doing those gigs.

00:59:05Guest:Yeah.

00:59:06Marc:Yeah.

00:59:07Marc:Now, so you honor the Shabbos.

00:59:08Guest:Yeah.

00:59:09Guest:Yeah.

00:59:09Guest:I go every Shabbos to shul.

00:59:12Guest:I mean, I'm still batting.

00:59:14Guest:I'm not batting 100%, but I go as often as I can, and I just love being there.

00:59:20Guest:I love it.

00:59:21Guest:And you have kids?

00:59:22Guest:Three boys.

00:59:23Guest:Jacob, Eli, and Noah.

00:59:24Guest:Could you give them some more Jew-y names?

00:59:26Guest:I can.

00:59:26Guest:I couldn't find anything more Jewish.

00:59:28Okay.

00:59:28Marc:And you live down there.

00:59:31Marc:That's a pretty Jewish neighborhood.

00:59:32Guest:I live in the shtetl.

00:59:33Guest:Yeah, yeah.

00:59:34Guest:Michael Robertson is the shtetl.

00:59:36Marc:Yeah, it's like a lot of Iranian Jews right there.

00:59:38Guest:Yeah, they're all there.

00:59:39Marc:The Farsi.

00:59:39Marc:Yeah.

00:59:40Marc:Yeah.

00:59:40Marc:What are they called?

00:59:41Guest:Farsi.

00:59:41Marc:Oh, really?

00:59:42Guest:Is that what they're called?

00:59:42Guest:A lot of Iranian, Iraqi.

00:59:44Guest:Yeah, they're all there.

00:59:46Guest:But it's an incredibly Jewish neighborhood.

00:59:47Marc:And there's a supermarket there where you can get fresh fish in back.

00:59:50Marc:There's a fish market there.

00:59:52Marc:Is there not?

00:59:53Guest:Yes, there are.

00:59:54Guest:There are a few of them.

00:59:55Marc:Yeah.

00:59:55Marc:There are a few of them.

00:59:56Marc:And you can get fresh fish.

00:59:57Marc:Fresh fish.

00:59:58Marc:I don't know where else you get fresh fish.

01:00:00Guest:No, these people eat tremendous amounts of fish.

01:00:04Marc:Yeah.

01:00:04Marc:And now, how long have you been Orthodox?

01:00:08Guest:I've been leaning that way for a good 20 years.

01:00:11Guest:Again, I always liked those people.

01:00:14Guest:I like going there.

01:00:15Guest:I sit separate from women in the synagogue, women on one side.

01:00:19Guest:Well, you need a break.

01:00:20Guest:You do.

01:00:21Guest:I don't sit next to my wife anymore.

01:00:23Marc:Can we have one day?

01:00:24Marc:I'm praying with her anyway.

01:00:26Guest:Yeah, yeah.

01:00:26Guest:When I'm sitting next to her, we're not going to break out in a fight.

01:00:29Guest:Yeah, yeah.

01:00:29Guest:I'm constantly praying.

01:00:30Guest:Please, God, stop in our fights right now.

01:00:32Marc:Yeah.

01:00:33Marc:What do you think?

01:00:33Marc:Is it compelling?

01:00:37Marc:There's a conversation with the... I always try to figure out why...

01:00:43Marc:What makes Jews, you know, different in how they approach religion?

01:00:46Marc:Like, I mean, I imagine what fascinates you is there's a constant debate about little things within the faith.

01:00:53Marc:You know, philosophical debate, religious debate.

01:00:55Marc:You know, the Talmud is speculative to some people.

01:00:59Guest:Talmud is just one argument after another.

01:01:02Guest:That's all it is.

01:01:03Guest:It's 37, no, 97?

01:01:05Guest:How many volumes?

01:01:06Guest:77 volumes of arguments or something.

01:01:09Marc:Yeah.

01:01:09Marc:Like trying to decide, what did God mean?

01:01:11Marc:Yeah, what did he mean?

01:01:12Marc:I'll tell you what he mean.

01:01:13Guest:And then somebody says, he didn't mean that.

01:01:14Guest:He did mean that.

01:01:15Guest:Do you study those arguments?

01:01:17Guest:I do sometimes.

01:01:18Guest:Yes, I do.

01:01:18Guest:But by yourself, you can't really.

01:01:20Guest:You need a classroom.

01:01:21Marc:But do you do it to problem solve?

01:01:23Marc:Like, is it that ingrained into you?

01:01:25Marc:Like, I don't know what to do.

01:01:27Marc:My neighbor's fence is... That's right.

01:01:30Marc:And the donkey fell in a hole.

01:01:32Marc:Yeah, yes.

01:01:32Marc:Is there some, like a law text where I can glean some spiritual wisdom around this?

01:01:37Guest:Well, people that are great Talmudic scholars actually make tremendous lawyers.

01:01:41Guest:There's no argument.

01:01:42Guest:They cannot figure out once they've had this basic training.

01:01:45Guest:In ethics.

01:01:46Guest:Yeah, it's unbelievable.

01:01:47Marc:Yeah, yeah.

01:01:47Marc:Yeah.

01:01:48Guest:Now...

01:01:50Guest:All of that being the case, it doesn't mean that person's going to be ethical.

01:01:54Guest:Of course not.

01:01:55Guest:They can study, learn.

01:01:57Guest:You have to be able to apply it to life.

01:01:58Guest:And a lot of people cannot do that, no matter how much.

01:02:00Guest:Well, all that can go down the toilet with one bad action.

01:02:05Guest:That's right.

01:02:06Guest:We're all one action away from completely destroying everything.

01:02:08Guest:But that's good to know that.

01:02:10Marc:Kind of.

01:02:11Marc:It's even more so now with social networking.

01:02:14Marc:That's right.

01:02:16Guest:The higher up the ladder you go, the longer the fall.

01:02:19Marc:Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:02:20Marc:Have you ever... Well, you see it happen, you know?

01:02:23Marc:You see it happen.

01:02:25Marc:Yes, you do.

01:02:26Marc:It's scary.

01:02:27Marc:But then what happens?

01:02:29Marc:What about the struggle back up?

01:02:31Marc:What about God forgiveness and all that?

01:02:34Guest:Right.

01:02:34Guest:Well, in Judaism, as long as you're on the subject, there are two types of things.

01:02:38Guest:Yeah.

01:02:39Guest:There's sin against man against man and man against God.

01:02:42Guest:Yeah.

01:02:42Guest:So if I sin against God, I can deal with him.

01:02:46Guest:If I sin against you, I cannot be forgiven by him.

01:02:49Guest:Really?

01:02:49Guest:Yeah.

01:02:50Guest:So you lend me $1,000.

01:02:52Guest:Mark Maron lends Mark Schiff $1,000.

01:02:54Guest:There you go.

01:02:55Guest:And I don't want to pay you back.

01:02:57Marc:Yeah.

01:02:57Guest:And I say to God, forgive me.

01:02:59Guest:No.

01:03:00Guest:You got to give him the money.

01:03:01Guest:I either give you the money or you forgive me for it yourself.

01:03:03Guest:So you got to get straight with man to get straight with God.

01:03:05Guest:That's right.

01:03:07Guest:So if I don't straighten it out with you, when I die, I'm never forgiven.

01:03:11Marc:You're just floating.

01:03:12Guest:Well, I got to pay the price for this.

01:03:14Marc:Yeah, shame land.

01:03:15Guest:But not hell.

01:03:17Marc:Is it hell?

01:03:17Guest:Yeah, yeah.

01:03:18Guest:There is a form of cleansing.

01:03:22Guest:But anyway, so that's the difference in man-to-man.

01:03:24Marc:What are the man-to-man things?

01:03:25Marc:Killing, money?

01:03:27Marc:I mean, it seems like money is like, really, God's not going to let that slide?

01:03:31Guest:No, no, no, because it's not his money.

01:03:34Marc:What are the sins against man?

01:03:35Marc:Is there a big list?

01:03:37Guest:Well, you know, adultery.

01:03:38Guest:Yeah.

01:03:39Guest:Your wife stealing from you.

01:03:41Guest:Yeah.

01:03:42Guest:Murder.

01:03:42Marc:The commandments.

01:03:44Guest:If I murder somebody in your family, you cannot forgive me.

01:03:48Guest:The only one that can forgive me is the murdered person.

01:03:51Guest:And since that's not possible, murder is not forgiven.

01:03:54Guest:God will not forgive murder.

01:03:55Guest:No.

01:03:56Guest:No, you pay the penalty.

01:03:57Marc:I guess that's the big difference.

01:03:59Marc:That's why Judaism is different, is that you can't just go in and tell a guy and be absolved.

01:04:05Guest:No, there's no novenas for this, for certain things.

01:04:08Marc:No, it's like you have to live in that darkness.

01:04:12Marc:Crunched.

01:04:13Marc:Yeah, that's it.

01:04:14Marc:You're out with God.

01:04:15Guest:In that respect.

01:04:16Guest:Now, you can maybe tip the scale somehow and do other things, but those things have to be taken care of by you.

01:04:23Guest:And it makes sense, doesn't it?

01:04:25Guest:Who might have forgives?

01:04:27Guest:If you owe me $1,000, who is a friend to forgive you for giving me?

01:04:31Guest:And that's true.

01:04:32Marc:And that friend being God.

01:04:33Guest:Or anybody, for that matter.

01:04:35Marc:No, but what you're saying is like, okay, so I lend you $1,000.

01:04:38Marc:You say, fuck you, Mark.

01:04:39Marc:I'm not paying it back.

01:04:40Guest:Yeah.

01:04:40Marc:So now I'm mad at you, but God is also like, I can't, you know, you're shit to me until you give that guy his money.

01:04:46Guest:Yeah, yeah.

01:04:47Marc:Yeah, you've got to take care of this.

01:04:48Marc:And so what you're saying is that like some sins, like let's take murder, which is interesting.

01:04:53Marc:Yeah.

01:04:53Marc:So you killed my brother.

01:04:55Marc:Right.

01:04:55Marc:And the only person that can forgive you on the man level for killing my brother is my brother.

01:05:00Marc:He's dead.

01:05:01Marc:So even if I forgive you, that doesn't matter.

01:05:02Marc:But that is going to give you a little relief on a moral level.

01:05:11Marc:But so you know in your heart that God's never going to forgive you.

01:05:14Marc:You killed a man.

01:05:15Marc:So that means you're exiled to the land of man.

01:05:20Marc:And the only thing you can make up for that is by doing mitzvahs and good deeds for the rest of your life.

01:05:24Marc:But that's still not, that's on you.

01:05:27Marc:That's on you.

01:05:27Guest:And somehow deep down the murderer understands, I think intuitively, that you cannot forgive me for killing your brother.

01:05:35Guest:Because many murderers beg to be killed.

01:05:38Marc:Yeah.

01:05:39Guest:You know, they want to go out because they can't live with it.

01:05:42Guest:Right.

01:05:42Guest:So, yeah, certain things can't be done.

01:05:48Marc:Yeah.

01:05:49Guest:And I like that.

01:05:49Guest:Yeah.

01:05:50Guest:I like not being able to be forgiven for things.

01:05:52Guest:It keeps you on your toes.

01:05:55Marc:It sure does.

01:05:56Marc:Yeah, no matter how much crying, no matter how much charm, no matter how funny you are, you're not forgivable.

01:06:04Guest:Although I will tell you something you don't know.

01:06:06Guest:In the Talmud, it does say that comedians go straight to heaven.

01:06:12Guest:No.

01:06:12Guest:Yes, there's a pass in the Talmud that comedians are considered the highest form of humanity just about possible because you're making the creator's children happy.

01:06:27Guest:And more than anything else that he wants from a person is for you and me to make other people happy.

01:06:34Guest:So you're doing really the ultimate goodwill.

01:06:36Marc:What is the word that he uses in place of comedian?

01:06:42Guest:I can't remember the exact word, but I know the passage and I'll send it to you.

01:06:47Marc:Is it like clown or entertainer?

01:06:49Guest:No, no, it's funny.

01:06:52Guest:A jester type of thing.

01:06:54Marc:Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:06:55Guest:The story was that Eliyahu Hanavi, you remember him from Passover?

01:07:01Guest:Yeah.

01:07:01Guest:The guy that comes in and drinks the wine?

01:07:03Guest:Sure.

01:07:03Marc:We never saw him, but we left it for him.

01:07:06Guest:He's standing in this thing, and he's with a rabbi, and he says, you see those two people over there?

01:07:12Guest:Yeah.

01:07:12Guest:He says, which one is going to heaven?

01:07:15Yeah.

01:07:15Guest:And the guy says, and one guy's talking to a rabbi.

01:07:18Guest:And the guy goes, the rabbi?

01:07:19Guest:He goes, no, the other person.

01:07:21Guest:Because the other person's a comedian.

01:07:23Guest:And he makes people laugh.

01:07:24Guest:And he brings happiness to people.

01:07:26Guest:That guy's going straight through.

01:07:28Guest:So we get a pass.

01:07:30Guest:In that respect.

01:07:31Guest:Now, if you kill somebody, the past is taken away.

01:07:33Guest:What if we do it in a really funny way?

01:07:35Guest:Yeah, kill somebody and make them laugh right before they buzz out.

01:07:39Guest:So anyway, I hope that was helpful.

01:07:41Marc:It was, and I think it's a sweet way to end, Mark.

01:07:44Marc:And the book is still out in the world, and this is a collection of basically road stories.

01:07:51Marc:Yes.

01:07:52Marc:Called, yeah, I Killed, Two Stories of the Road from America's Comics.

01:07:54Marc:Everybody's in here.

01:07:55Marc:Chris Rock, Leno, Reiser.

01:07:58Marc:Foxworthy, Lopez, Ron White, Brett Butler.

01:08:01Marc:Oh, I have to call her.

01:08:02Marc:Larry David.

01:08:04Marc:And you and Rich Scheidener.

01:08:04Marc:I've got to get Scheidener in here.

01:08:06Marc:It's been too long.

01:08:07Marc:How's he doing?

01:08:08Guest:He's doing, I think he's doing pretty good.

01:08:10Marc:All right, man.

01:08:11Marc:So you feel good about what's happened here?

01:08:13Guest:I feel phenomenal.

01:08:13Guest:It was great talking to you.

01:08:14Marc:Okay, man.

01:08:15Marc:Thanks.

01:08:15Marc:Thank you.

01:08:21Marc:That's it, folks.

01:08:23Marc:I hope you found that interesting.

01:08:24Marc:Lovely man.

01:08:25Marc:Lovely man.

01:08:26Marc:Lovely conversation.

01:08:28Marc:Go to WTF Pod.

01:08:29Marc:Check my book tour dates.

01:08:30Marc:Go to WTF Pod.

01:08:31Marc:Kick in a few shekels.

01:08:32Marc:Buy some merch.

01:08:33Marc:Get on the mailing list.

01:08:34Marc:Leave a comment.

01:08:35Marc:Don't be a dick.

01:08:36Marc:All right?

01:08:37Marc:Order my book.

01:08:39Marc:Link it up.

01:08:40Marc:Do it.

01:08:41Marc:Get some justcoffee.coop.

01:08:43Marc:Oh my, I can hear how amped I am inside.

01:08:47Marc:I can hear it.

01:08:48Marc:Again, three episodes next week.

01:08:51Marc:Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.

01:08:53Marc:We've got Hank Azaria on Monday.

01:08:55Marc:We've got Live from Vancouver featuring Margaret Cho's one-person show about my dick.

01:09:00Marc:And we've got Huey Lewis on Friday.

01:09:04Marc:Next week, my book...

01:09:05Marc:is released on Tuesday.

01:09:08Marc:And the show Marin premieres on IFC on Friday.

01:09:14Marc:This is it, folks.

01:09:18Marc:This is what we've been working towards.

01:09:20Marc:And then we'll be right back here on Monday.

01:09:24Marc:Enjoy.

01:09:26Marc:Oh, my hand is a little numb.

01:09:29Marc:A little bit.

01:09:30Marc:Boomer lives!

01:09:40you