Episode 38 - Matt Braunger / Kyle Kinane
Marc:Lock the gates!
Guest 3:Are we doing this?
Guest 3:Really?
Guest 3:Wait for it.
Guest 3:Are we doing this?
Guest 3:Wait for it.
Guest 3:Pow!
Guest 3:What the fuck?
Guest 3:And it's also, eh, what the fuck?
Guest 3:What's wrong with me?
Guest 3:It's time for WTF!
Guest 2:What the fuck?
Guest 2:With Mark Maron.
Marc:Okay, let's do this.
Marc:All right, what the fuckers, what the fuckineers, what the fuck buddies, whatever the fuck you want to be called.
Marc:I'm happy you're all here.
Marc:This is Mark Maron.
Marc:Obviously, this is WTF, the podcast you are listening to.
Marc:I appreciate your support and listenership.
Marc:I have been bullied.
Marc:I have been coerced.
Marc:I have been cajoled and talked into seeing the movie Avatar because I was accused of contempt prior to investigation.
Marc:Now, I want you to know something.
Marc:I am not a guy who is geared to or ever desires to watch animation or cartoons.
Marc:I don't care how amazing they are.
Marc:I don't care how great the technology is.
Marc:It's just not my bag.
Marc:I'm a visceral dude.
Marc:I think that's the right word.
Marc:I like human stuff.
Marc:The more human, the better.
Marc:The more I feel engaged in a human way, the better I feel.
Marc:Not as a human watching a spectacle, but as a person who is engaging with other persons in something that seems to be revealing about human beings.
Marc:So I was accused of this contempt prior to investigation because I was criticizing Avatar because of the amount of money it costs and because that was the primary pitch of the movie.
Marc:which was like, we got this new technology.
Marc:It's 3D.
Marc:It's amazing.
Marc:It cost a half a billion dollars.
Marc:You got to be an idiot if you're not going to come see how we spent a half a billion dollars because it's going to be spectacular.
Marc:Everyone around the world should see how this great American industry, the movie industry, spent a half a billion dollars.
Marc:Come on, you children, you little boys and girls.
Marc:We spent a lot of money to make this incredible.
Marc:incredible dangling set of keys that feels like you can touch them right in front of you come on you infantilized population come come gaze upon this tremendous waste of money i'm sort of all jacked up on hold on
Marc:Ow!
Marc:Oh, I just shit my pants and I'm sweating.
Marc:This cup of coffee from JustCoffee.coop is better than Avatar in terms of bringing me joy and something tangible.
Marc:It is Fairtrade Coffee.
Marc:You can go to WTFPod and link up with that.
Marc:Later in this podcast, we will be... Right when I went to the movie, I went to the movie with my buddy Kyle Kinane.
Marc:Right after the movie, we sat in my car with the rig and we had a conversation just after the movie for the 20 minutes where I still remembered
Marc:The movie on this show, we've got Matt Bronger, a very funny man.
Marc:He's going to be here.
Marc:I'm excited about that.
Marc:And also, as we go out here, as you know, we change the music and some people are digging it.
Marc:A lot of you are digging it.
Marc:I appreciate, you know, all the the kudos on the music choice.
Marc:But we are going to be playing some of the other choices that we had.
Marc:in terms of creating new theme music.
Marc:And right now we're going to go out with Phil Schultz from Chicago, his piece, and we will be including more of your music that you submitted in future shows.
Marc:This is what show business has become.
Marc:In my garage right now is Matt Bronger.
Marc:Hi.
Marc:Matt Bronger.
Marc:Yep.
Marc:Is that how you say Matt?
Marc:Matt Bronger?
Guest 2:Bronger, yeah.
Marc:Because I remember there's a period of time there where I was like, is it Brogger?
Marc:And then there's an N there, and I don't know why I insisted it was Brogger.
Guest 2:Well, because the way it's supposed to be pronounced, it would be like Bronger or whatever, because it's with the N and then the G right after, but it's just how the name's been said.
Marc:What kind of ridiculous name is that?
Guest 2:It's a German name, and I don't know a lot about it.
Guest 2:I know Braun means German.
Guest 2:What?
Guest 2:I know Braun means brown, but I don't know what ger is.
Marc:Usually it's something ridiculous, like it translates to brown guy.
Marc:Brown guy.
Marc:Man of the brown.
Guest 2:Man of the brown.
Guest 2:Yeah.
Marc:So Matt, man of the brown, is here, and he's not brown.
Marc:No.
Marc:He's quite white.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:And I've seen you recently.
Marc:I didn't know of you, and generally when I talk to comics that I enjoy, I'm in a new period of my life where I actually enjoy watching other comics.
Guest 2:Oh, that's great.
Guest 2:Have you ever had that happen?
Guest 2:Yeah.
Guest 2:Well, see, I'm always trying to keep the idea that you can never stop being a fan because there is that tendency, and I'm as privy to that as anyone, to watch stuff, and I immediately go like, oh, fuck this guy.
Guest 2:You know what?
Guest 2:That premise sucks or, you know, whatever.
Guest 2:But it's like I kind of am just getting, you know, I make myself listen and get into it, you know.
Guest 2:But, you know, it is it is a struggle, especially when, you know, there's someone that's, you know, getting a lot more success than you or whatever.
Marc:Oh, yeah.
Marc:That's what I call the resentment factor.
Guest 2:Yes, exactly.
Guest 2:So I try to put that aside.
Marc:It's a factor that happens primarily.
Marc:It happens in everybody, but in talented people who decide to be self-employed, the resentment factor can overwhelm them.
Guest 2:Yeah, absolutely.
Marc:Because you don't go into an office every day and say, like, all right, he just got a promotion.
Marc:Now I'm going to work my hardest or I'm going to...
Marc:Or I'm going to poison his coffee.
Marc:With us, we're just sitting at home going, why the fuck didn't I get that?
Marc:Why the fuck does that guy?
Marc:I mean, that's not even a funny thing that motherfucker does.
Marc:And I think that when you cross the line to actually being able to enjoy someone else's performance, it shows that you are growing up yourself.
Marc:You have a little more confidence.
Guest 2:Absolutely.
Guest 2:And you realize that it's not worth it because I know people living in Hollywood that resent people aren't even on good levels they're resenting them.
Guest 2:Like you and I might resent someone who's like a white guy who's like our ages or whatever or something like that.
Guest 2:But it's like when a friend of mine was jealous that a guy we work with on a play got cast in the show Heroes.
Guest 2:That show Heroes?
Guest 2:Right, right.
Guest 2:And he's an Asian guy, and he got cast in the role of a Japanese man.
Guest 2:And I'm like, were you gunning for that, dude?
Guest 2:Because you're white.
Guest 2:Because you weren't going to get it.
Guest 2:I'm just saying.
Marc:It's an important obstacle to cross, the idea that not all casting means that you're available for everything.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:If you're resenting a guy that gets cast as the old man, I went up for that.
Marc:I'm like, well, they chose to go with the old guy because they always send you out on those things where it's like they don't know what they want yet.
Guest 2:But it says old guy.
Guest 2:It says old guy.
Guest 2:Yeah.
Guest 2:And then when you're in the waiting area with five guys who you've seen in like six movies apiece, you're like, probably no.
Guest 2:Yeah.
Marc:You're what they call filler.
Marc:They've already got a deal in place, and they're waiting for someone to take the offer, but the casting agent has to look like they're still working.
Guest 2:Exactly, exactly, and maybe put you in the room with that guy so that guy might take less money.
Marc:Did you see the young guy out front?
Guest 2:He is hungry.
Guest 2:He's going to do this thing for a sandwich.
Guest 2:He's going to do this whole movie.
Guest 2:For a guaranteed sandwich and a bite for his agent.
Guest 2:And he's good.
Marc:Well, the one thing I noticed about watching you, because I'm fairly new to a lot of people comedy-wise, because somewhere along the line, I lost like five years.
Guest 1:Okay.
Marc:There was this five-year black hole where I didn't see that there were only the comics that I came up with.
Marc:Sure.
Marc:My generation, whatever that may be, I'm old enough to say that there is a generation of people that are more successful than me.
Marc:I don't want to mention names because I'm still processing some of that resentment.
Marc:But you're of a new wave.
Marc:Like, how old are you, if you want to be honest?
Guest 2:No, I'm 35.
Guest 2:I mean, I'm like, it's one of those things where I've been around for, I've been doing it like 10 years.
Guest 2:And it's, you don't really get noticed until you've done it for like six or seven, generally, or like, you know, between five and seven years, with some exceptions.
Guest 2:You know, all the wonderkins that just come out of nowhere.
Guest 2:And it's just like, wow, they're so great, so fast, which I'm so glad I was not that person.
Marc:Well, sometimes you get the initial attention when you've been doing it two years.
Marc:Right, yes.
Marc:And then either they give you too much money to be at the level you're at, and then you squander it, and you disappoint everybody.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:And then you've got to go back to the shed for five years.
Guest 2:Exactly.
Marc:And figure out how to do the job.
Guest 2:Yeah.
Guest 2:I mean, starting out in Chicago- Oh, wait a minute.
Guest 2:I got- What?
Marc:That's right.
Marc:He's one of the-
Marc:The new Chicago school.
Marc:Now, this is a phenomenon.
Marc:I don't know if a lot of you people realize because you're not necessarily comedy people in the sense that the business.
Marc:But Chicago, the idea of Chicago and the Chicago comedy community has infiltrated stand up and television and movies on all levels.
Guest 2:Yeah.
Marc:There was a time where it was New York, and then you'd go from New York to L.A., and stand-up was really a New York thing, and then people would go to L.A.
Marc:and find the success.
Marc:But Chicago is like a sketch and stand-up manufacturing plant.
Guest 2:Yeah, it's insidious.
Guest 2:It's pretty crazy.
Marc:Well, I think that a lot of it comes from the fact that, and I'm actually in support of the idea that Chicago has a very strong sketch community because of Second City.
Marc:So they're generating these people that can perform as comedians and perform in sketches, which is completely contrary to general idea of comedy, because comics are selfish, not sharing bastards.
Marc:But there are people that, because of the sketch background, can write, they can perform, they can do stand-up, they can produce.
Marc:And it's always been there.
Marc:I mean, obviously, a lot of the SNL thing, a lot of people have come out of Chicago, but now I see it more and more.
Marc:But you were originally from there?
Guest 2:No, I grew up in Portland, Oregon.
Guest 2:The dark place.
Guest 2:The dark place, yes.
Guest 2:The overcast land.
Marc:Let's think for a while and have some heroin.
Guest 2:As Dwyer puts it, the land of white people with black feet.
Guest 2:That's Matt Dwyer?
Guest 2:Yeah.
Guest 2:He kind of nailed it there.
Guest 2:But yeah, I mean, I grew up there and actually went to school outside of New York City.
Guest 2:What does that mean?
Guest 2:Like White Plains.
Guest 2:You went to school in White Plains?
Guest 2:Near White Plains.
Guest 2:At SUNY?
Guest 2:In Purchase, near SUNY.
Guest 2:A little college called Manhattanville.
Guest 2:It's a tiny, tiny school.
Guest 2:So you fucked up in high school.
Guest 2:No, well, yeah.
Guest 2:No, yeah, definitely.
Guest 2:But also, my big thing was I got accepted in New York, and a friend of the family just gave me some of the best advice.
Guest 2:He's like, if you're going to go to college, go as far from home as you can.
Guest 2:Oh, absolutely.
Guest 2:And it was great.
Guest 2:It gave me a ton of perspective.
Marc:because i did i did the small college for the first year because i was one of those guys that for some reason even given the background i had after three years of high school i was like i'm not fucking going to college fuck that yeah and then that last year that panic set in where it's like oh well i'm gonna stay here that's yeah i have to get out of here everyone goes to a fun new place yeah i gotta go yeah if my parents are gonna throw for it i'm fucking leaving yeah yeah so i got out i kicked ass my last year of high school oh nice i uh
Marc:I transcended expectations of the, uh, Mark just, uh, you know, he, he has a, what was a motivational problem.
Marc:And I locked in and focused.
Guest 2:Nice.
Guest 2:Did you?
Guest 2:Uh, I kind of, I kind of had to, but I, um, I mean, I can't, what did I have?
Guest 2:Like, I think I had like a, like a high C average or something like that, which was enough to, you know, get into certain things.
Guest 2:Get you into Manhattan.
Guest 2:Manhattanville.
Guest 2:Manhattanville.
Guest 2:Which actually was a really good college.
Guest 2:It was tiny, but had really good teachers that cared, really good professors.
Guest 2:It just itself was very isolated, like huge stone wall around it, nothing but English manners in the distance through the mist around the schools.
Marc:A small academic fortress of not very well-known small academic fortress.
Guest 2:Well, the guy that designed the campus designed Central Park, so the campus was really pretty.
Guest 2:Was there a zoo?
Guest 2:Yeah.
Guest 2:No, here's the thing.
Guest 2:It used to be, the original guy who owned it was a rich guy who, he had this land and all he would do is ship exotic animals to shoot on his grounds.
Guest 2:So that's why it has all these rolling hills and things.
Marc:So it's like this weird private game reserve?
Guest 2:Yeah.
Guest 2:I mean, there weren't, of course, any animals there anymore, but this was like, I don't know, 1800s or something.
Marc:Are you serious?
Marc:I know that some people stock ponds, but this guy actually stocked land with cheetahs and elephants and rhinos.
Guest 2:And lions and just walk around with his little crew of guys in short pants and just blast them.
Guest 2:That is way cheating.
Guest 2:It's awful.
Guest 2:Yeah.
Guest 2:It's awful.
Guest 2:Because he's not like, you know, bind me to a tree and leave me only a knife.
Yeah.
Guest 2:Release the leopard at 2 a.m.
Guest 2:You know he wasn't like that cool, hardcore guy.
Marc:He was shooting giraffes from his porch.
Guest 2:He was like the early travelers in the American West shooting buffalo from the train.
Guest 2:Bastards.
Guest 2:The worst.
Marc:So you go there.
Marc:You're outside of Manhattan.
Marc:You're going in on weekends.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Getting drunk, throwing up on people.
Guest 2:Totally.
Marc:Going to comedy clubs.
Guest 2:Basically, no.
Guest 2:Back then, I was just a stupid actor.
Guest 2:I just was like, I'm really going to be an actor, and that's going to be my life.
Guest 2:What do you think of that?
Marc:I mean, tell me the truth.
Marc:Am I wrong in noticing that most actors are just vapid, empty vessels wholeheartedly?
Guest 2:Well, it's big here.
Guest 2:It's definitely big here.
Marc:You say that like it's a popularity thing.
Marc:Vapid people come here to exceed these vapid people.
Guest 2:It's just funny how here, as opposed to the Chicago and the New York actors and various other places you go, you don't find the actor's spirituality, which translates to, things are going to work out for me because the universe wants me to be a star.
Guest 2:The universe wants me to be interviewed by E!
Guest 2:Entertainment News.
Guest 2:yeah hollywood is my daddy that's yeah yeah and daddy's gonna buy me presents exactly and and there's that vapidness because really the only goal is for you to be famous you know for a lot of these people so it's like when you have that goal it's like where um there's no worth in that you know there's like that oh you're just an empty shell of a person that's being celebrated for being somebody else and inside you have nothing
Guest 2:But you have to keep up the pretense of being artistic and actually trying to create something of worth that'll make people's lives better.
Guest 2:But you're not.
Guest 2:I mean, I really love, excuse me, like really good actors.
Guest 2:Like when someone nails it, like I'm watching a movie, I'm just like, wow, that's great.
Guest 3:Like what have you seen lately?
Guest 2:I just saw Up in the Air.
Guest 2:Okay, yeah.
Guest 2:And like everybody in that movie's good.
Guest 2:Like there's that new young girl.
Guest 2:I don't know her name, but she's amazing.
Guest 4:Yeah.
Guest 2:I'm like watching her.
Guest 2:I'm like, I've known girls like that.
Guest 2:I know people that are wound that tight, but they're good people, but they get bad advice.
Guest 2:You know, so it's like I'm immediately relating.
Marc:Honestly, I've seen that movie three times, and I agree with what you're saying.
Marc:I don't mean to sidetrack the conversation.
Guest 2:No, no.
Marc:I've seen it because I've got a screener, and other people want to see it for free in my house.
Marc:I don't charge them because I'm not allowed to because of the union rules.
Marc:Sure, yeah.
Marc:But I want to.
Marc:But I've watched it three times, and each time I resent that woman even more.
Marc:Not the young woman, but the woman that misled...
Marc:George Clooney, like this idea that, you know, when she gets on the phone with him and says, I'm an adult.
Marc:I'm like, really?
Marc:What kind of fucking adult misleads a guy that's got nothing, goes to a family wedding with him, knowing full well what that meant emotionally, and then does that, lies to him the whole way.
Marc:You know, fuck her.
Marc:Yeah, and I just felt bad.
Marc:I guess I'm very sensitive to the heartbroken male thing.
Guest 2:I'm with you, brother.
Marc:Did you see Crazy Heart yet?
Guest 2:No, no, I haven't.
Guest 2:But I love, I mean, Jeff Bridges, forget it.
Marc:And then you start to realize like that whole thing about like, cause I'm, I'm older than you by 10 years, but I'm not saying that you haven't been through a couple of relationships, but, but you start to realize just that, that when your heart really gets busted that, you know, you don't have any real control over the pain you're going to go through and, and you don't really know if you're going to be able to reintegrate into a relationship again.
Guest 2:Have you had that experience?
Guest 2:Oh, absolutely.
Marc:Have you, have you been in love more than once?
Guest 2:uh yes for real yeah i think so and you got heartbroken twice uh well three times if you count high school but it's one of those things where you kind of discount high school and you don't think uh you don't you're like oh you were a kid but you you know you had the same heart you know and it's like you i mean but it was so open but that was the first yeah yeah and that's the thing i was the first time i felt that kind of pain and it was just new and i was like this is a real thing that people deal with
Marc:What the fuck do you do?
Marc:Yeah, you're like handicapped for years.
Guest 2:Yeah, I mean, if you get hit by a car and you break a leg, like people run over and go, oh, shit.
Guest 2:Yeah.
Guest 2:Put him on the truck.
Guest 2:Let's all help out.
Guest 2:Right.
Guest 2:You're heartbroken.
Guest 2:That's it.
Guest 2:That's it.
Guest 2:It's just you wandering around just going, ah, my chest.
Marc:Yeah, wandering around going, ah, my chest.
Marc:I'm like, oh, there she is.
Marc:There she is.
Guest 2:Oh, yeah.
Guest 2:Oh, God.
Guest 2:And you have two minds.
Guest 2:One, the mind knows what you should be doing.
Guest 2:Let's move on.
Guest 2:Let's forget her.
Guest 2:And the other mind that's like, fuck.
Guest 2:fuck her yeah you know i'm i'm gonna get away from him you know what i mean like i still want to control things you know i want things like i want them it's all about control isn't it it's all about control and pride oh my god and it sucks when you realize that the only and best thing you can do is just let go and keep you know because you don't want to so bad and you can't until it happens naturally
Marc:And even now, I have dreams about my ex-wife.
Marc:I feel like I have some closure around most of it, but I'll have a dream.
Marc:And there's never anything really weird other than she's just there.
Guest 2:Yeah.
Guest 2:Oh, God.
Guest 2:Yeah.
Guest 2:Yeah.
Guest 2:I'm sorry.
Guest 2:Did I make it sad?
Guest 2:No.
Guest 2:No, no, no.
Guest 2:Because I had a girlfriend in Chicago that I broke up with her, and then we got back together, and then she broke up with me.
Guest 2:And there was that time where I was just like, oh, shit.
Guest 2:Oh, so this isn't ever again?
Guest 2:No.
Guest 2:And I would have those dreams where we'd just be hanging out.
Guest 2:We'd just be hanging out, and I'd wake up, and then she wasn't there.
Guest 2:And I was like, son of a bitch.
Guest 2:And I was mad at my brain.
Guest 2:where I was like stop giving me these fucking dreams where I think it's cool you know what I mean I would imagine it's you know on a way lesser level it's almost you know not to draw a bad analogy but like someone that you know loses a limb and they have a dream where they're using both arms they wake up and they're like cocksucker you know what I mean like damn it
Marc:Your heart becomes a phantom limb.
Guest 2:Yeah.
Marc:You're like, I thought I had one.
Marc:I thought this was, oh.
Marc:Oh, no, I don't.
Marc:Yeah, it's sort of devastating where you think you've processed something, but deep down in your brain, the part of your brain that's actually still connected to the part of your heart that isn't completely shattered is sort of like, hey, what's up?
Marc:Hey.
Marc:Remember her?
Guest 2:Right.
Guest 2:Oh!
Guest 2:It's okay if I bring this up, right?
Guest 2:No, it isn't.
Guest 2:No, it isn't.
Guest 2:You're part of me.
Yeah.
Guest 2:It's like a little annoying friend that keeps forgetting shit.
Guest 2:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest 2:Hey, how's things going with you?
Guest 2:Shut up, man.
Guest 2:I can't remind you again.
Guest 2:We're not together.
Marc:I thought we had an understanding here.
Marc:I locked you away in a small cell in my being, and you were not to bother me anymore with this woman.
Marc:I sat you down, and I briefed you.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:What do I do?
Marc:Do I need to put a metal helmet on your head?
Marc:Do you need to be a Count of Monte Cristo in a dungeon in my heart?
Marc:Yeah.
Guest 2:I refuse to hear from you anymore.
Guest 2:He's a Count of Monte Cristo with horrible short-term memory.
Guest 2:He just keeps coming around.
Guest 2:Hey, so you ever think about it?
Guest 2:You guys all go on a picnic?
Marc:Why not?
Marc:Get out.
Marc:I'm bitter, angry guy now.
Marc:It's all on my terms.
Marc:I started talking about that last night on stage because we did a show together.
Marc:It's a great show.
Marc:Oh, boy.
Marc:Oh, really?
Marc:Let me see if I can set a stage for the audience.
Marc:Matt and I were at a place called John Lovitz's Comedy Club, which I didn't really know existed until somebody told me about it.
Marc:And it's at the Universal Walk.
Marc:Is it called the Universal?
Guest 2:City Walk.
Marc:City Walk at Universal, which is really just a sort of mall fun time place, almost like a consumerist amusement park within Universal Studios.
Marc:And it literally felt like Battlestar Galactica to me, like the TV show.
Marc:You walk in, it's enclosed in a Buckminster Fuller octagon thing, and there's all these lights and businesses and classic hits being played by shitty cover bands poorly, which is where I had that realization, I said on stage last night, because the place was packed, and there was a guy playing classic hits, and they were just excited by what I call it, efficient familiarity.
Guest 2:Familiarity is perfect.
Guest 2:That was great.
Marc:That was a great bit.
Marc:It's that song we like, and they're doing it okay.
Guest 2:They're having a good time.
Guest 2:Yeah.
Guest 2:It was even more packed when I left.
Guest 2:It was.
Guest 2:When I left.
Guest 2:Yeah, it was crazy.
Guest 2:And it's all people in their 20s, and the guy's playing like... He was playing Sweet Home Alabama when I walked by.
Marc:Yeah, like, why do you care?
Marc:And John Lovitz's Comedy Club is a Hawaiian theme, and there's nobody there.
Marc:The show runs late.
Marc:There's about 20 people there.
Guest 2:Well, I should say, because everyone did their riff on the stage, especially after you.
Guest 2:But my thing was, the stage is Hawaiian.
Guest 2:The idea the guy pitched when they built it was, all right, we want the stage to be completely Hawaiian.
Guest 2:It's got surfboards, palm trees.
Guest 2:A badly painted, a blue whale that's painted black.
Marc:And a rattan-framed big screen, which they run your set on above your head.
Guest 2:Above your head.
Marc:Because there's three tiers of audience.
Guest 2:And there's three tiers.
Guest 2:And that's my thing about the three tiers.
Guest 2:The stage is Hawaiian, and then the audience area is equal parts Amadeus and Thunderdome.
Guest 2:Because it's like you have these, like, Baroque-style balconies.
Guest 2:Yeah.
Guest 2:But it looks like you're so close to the stage, it's like you're hanging on, like, barbed wire yelling for Master Blaster to kill someone.
Guest 2:You know?
Guest 2:Like, it's not...
Marc:It's so badly designed.
Marc:I'm so glad that they cluttered the stage so much because there's absolutely no possibility of a comic or performer owning the stage for himself.
Marc:You will always be upstaged by the fake palm trees.
Marc:But nonetheless, I'm sorry I left before your set, but I'm sure it was fine.
Guest 2:It was actually, I mean, it was okay.
Guest 2:Like they did that announcement where they're like, if you valid your car, you have to leave.
Guest 2:So we lost like 80% of the audience.
Guest 2:Right.
Guest 2:And I'm looking out there and I'm like, oh, this is death.
Guest 2:But then like John Vargas went up and he did good.
Guest 2:And Kyle Kinney went up and he did great.
Guest 2:And then I went up and I did good.
Guest 2:And it was, you know, there was a guy, some stranger came up to me after the show and he was like, hey man, I want to tell you, I'm really glad I stayed because, you know, when Mark went up there, turned around and then everybody left, but then you guys, you guys still went up there and you still did great sets.
Guest 2:And I was like, oh, thanks.
Marc:Matt does a type of comedy that is very... You're very persistent.
Guest 2:Yeah.
Marc:And I like that because I personally don't have that skill and there's not a lot of guys that do it that you're one of those guys you're like... You know when you listen to a Stevie Ray Vaughan riff where you're like, is that the end of it?
Marc:Holy shit, there's another minute.
Marc:How did he find the time to find the phrasing to do that?
Marc:Matt will set up a premise and then you're like, oh, that's funny.
Marc:And are we done?
Marc:No, we're not done.
Guest 2:We're going to keep going.
Guest 2:I ramble.
Guest 2:I do ramble.
Marc:It's not rambling because it keeps, you know, you're very articulated in how you do it, but it's unique.
Marc:Now, did you learn that in Chicago?
Marc:Where'd you come?
Guest 2:Yeah.
Marc:That doesn't happen in Portland.
Marc:No.
Guest 2:I like Portland.
Marc:I'm not knocking Portland, but I don't picture someone at your pace functioning in Portland.
Guest 2:No.
Guest 2:Well, it's like I was always kind of at what, you know, like the song says, an excitable boy.
Guest 2:And so I have two.
Guest 2:Do you like Warren Zevon?
Guest 2:i like some of his stuff everyone says he's a genius and i keep at different points in my life i go back to it and i'm like i'm gonna listen to all of it but i still like the four or five songs i like yeah i like those songs and i think he was just a cool guy like when he knew he was dying he went on letterman and letterman was like you know you're gonna die in a couple months he's like what's your philosophy and he's like enjoy every sandwich yeah he's like that's fucking amazing
Guest 2:It's so perfect.
Marc:There's a couple ones.
Marc:Carmelita, is that the name of that song?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:That's a beautiful song.
Guest 2:That's a good one.
Marc:And Warrior's Guns and Money, Excitable Boy, Werewolves in London.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:And now that's the list I'll say, and I'll get emails.
Marc:Like, what the fuck?
Guest 2:What'd you leave out?
Guest 2:This.
Guest 2:Everything, yeah.
Marc:Yeah, yeah.
Guest 2:All right, so you're- Okay, so, yeah, both my parents are teachers, so I was just around-
Guest 2:open-minded people in terms of learning, in terms of enjoyment.
Guest 2:They'd take me to plays.
Guest 2:They'd do all this stuff.
Guest 2:And I'm the only child.
Guest 2:So as soon as I started acting, it was kind of over right there.
Guest 2:Yeah, it's like attention.
Guest 2:Like George Carlin would say, it's all about dig me.
Guest 2:So when I went to school,
Guest 2:When I went to college, you know, I was just doing acting and stuff.
Guest 2:And it felt kind of stagnant.
Marc:As an only child, though, were your parents, like when you said you wanted to go into the arts or into show business, they were like, God damn it, we had one shot at this.
Guest 2:Well, see, they were both school teachers, so they knew about risk anyway.
Guest 2:They're just like, well, hey.
Guest 2:all right what he wants yeah if you really want to do it do it you know yeah i don't i don't remember i remember at one point some weirdo relative or something might have mentioned to my mom like well what if it doesn't work out you know there's always that person that's just like uh that's all people which i hope i hope she said back to that back to that person like well life is completely uncertain you know that right we don't have any guarantees so and that person started crying yeah that house that person slit their wrists immediately uh
Guest 2:But when I got to Chicago, it was hard to break into the acting scene, but I just started taking improv.
Guest 2:And I liked that, but it was also... It was a strange world where people were kind of... I don't want to say like crabs in a barrel, but it's such... It's a big scene, but a small scene where...
Guest 2:It's like this tunnel vision to SNL and to Mad TV or to whatever else.
Guest 2:To Sketch.
Guest 2:Yeah, because those were the proving grounds.
Guest 2:And people would be like, oh, my plan is to be at Second City for a couple years, do main stage.
Guest 2:I'm like, there are people in Second City who have been there for 10 years that haven't gotten main stage.
Guest 2:Maybe branch out.
Guest 2:So I got kicked off my improv team.
Guest 2:Because they added... I took the five levels of classes.
Marc:There's five levels?
Guest 2:And they added a... Holy shit, it's like Scientology.
Guest 2:Oh, with Second City, it's like 20.
Guest 2:It's crazy.
Guest 2:There's like, you know, one through... I mean, I'm butchering it.
Marc:Do you have to go to a sweat lodge or take vitamins?
Guest 2:No, you just take... The classes last like two months.
Guest 2:Okay.
Guest 2:So it's not that long.
Marc:And does someone decide whether you make it to the next tier?
Guest 2:Oh, yeah.
Guest 2:Oh, yeah.
Marc:Do they ask you for more money?
Guest 2:Per class, you pay.
Guest 2:And that was the thing.
Guest 2:I took all five classes, and my fifth was with Del Close, who started improv.
Guest 2:Is he still alive?
Guest 2:No, he died months after I took a class.
Marc:Because he's the guy.
Guest 2:Yeah, yeah.
Marc:Yeah, I don't know a lot about it.
Marc:I enjoy watching improv when I come upon it.
Marc:Sure.
Marc:I don't seek it out.
Guest 2:Yeah, no, I mean, I'm so picky.
Marc:Did you know you were going to be a stand-up, though?
Guest 2:But see, that's the thing.
Guest 2:Once I got... They added a sixth level, and I was like, I studied under Del...
Guest 2:I think I'm done for now.
Guest 2:That counts for two.
Guest 2:Yeah, and they were like, no, you have to take the sixth level.
Guest 2:And I'm like, I don't have the money.
Guest 2:And they're like, okay.
Guest 2:And then after a couple months later, they're like, oh, they're taking you off the team.
Marc:Because you didn't have the money.
Guest 2:Yeah, and I was like, okay.
Guest 2:You had an attitude.
Marc:Like, I knew Del.
Guest 2:So I was like, no, no.
Guest 2:It wasn't even that.
Guest 2:It was just like, I don't have the – I would take it.
Guest 2:I just don't have the money.
Guest 2:And I was like, well, fuck this.
Guest 2:And so I started –
Guest 2:I went to see a friend do stand-up, and the bouncer was like at five bucks, and I was like, oh, okay, shit.
Guest 2:And then the lady running the show was like, hey, are you Matt Bronger?
Guest 2:And I was like, yeah.
Guest 2:And she's like, Rob says you're really funny.
Guest 2:Do you want to do a set?
Guest 2:You get in free.
Guest 2:And I was like, okay.
Guest 2:And here's a drink ticket.
Guest 2:And I was like...
Guest 2:Sweet.
Guest 2:I'm being paid.
Guest 2:So I sat at the bar and I wrote what I thought would be like a set.
Guest 2:And I went on stage and the mic broke.
Guest 2:And so I just put it aside and I just started yelling at the crowd and it went pretty well.
Guest 2:But it was mostly because I had friends in the audience.
Guest 2:And so that was like my first time.
Guest 2:And from then I just...
Guest 2:You know, as they say, was hooked.
Guest 2:Yeah.
Marc:Well, that's interesting because I think, you know, what's happened and what I you know, I have a hard time accepting.
Marc:But I because, you know, I've been beaten down by life enough is that, you know, when I started, you know, comics were very much gypsies and very much sort of self driven, self centered.
Marc:And a lot of them were really just skirting the law.
Marc:and trying to get away with something.
Marc:As individuals, they were sort of onto themselves and did not play with others or play well with others.
Marc:And now you have this whole generation of people that are coming out of sketch and are proficient at sketch and also do stand-up that are actually well-adjusted, comparatively speaking, well-adjusted people to the generation comics I started with, which sadly, but also for them in a good way, really jives with show business.
Marc:Because show business is always about aligning yourself with a group of people that's coming up at the same time you are and being able to play well with others and being a social animal.
Marc:And I think that's why you get these well-rounded performers.
Marc:And I'm not saying that...
Marc:I don't know a lot of comics, per se, stand-ups that come out of the Chicago sketch scene because, like you said, most of them want to do movies and sketch shows.
Guest 2:And really, neither do I at this point.
Marc:You just want to do stand-up.
Guest 2:Well, no, no, I don't really know a lot of those people coming out of the scene.
Marc:But it's interesting that you went through that whole thing.
Marc:So what did you learn in that process that you can identify as having helped you on stage as a stand-up?
Guest 2:You know, just...
Guest 2:Being okay, putting yourself out on a limb again and again and again with an idea and going with it.
Guest 2:If you get into, and you do this, I see you do this a lot, when you get an idea all of a sudden, then you're, oh, let me riff on this, and not being stuck.
Guest 2:I mean, you had a really great point last night about how you do a routine over and over and over, and then you're trapped in that routine, and then you're doing that routine, and you don't mean it in front of an audience, and inside you're crying.
Guest 2:And I've been that person because I've been in front of crowds where...
Guest 2:I don't have anything in common with them, really.
Guest 2:You know, like, I'm a part of the country I'm not ordinarily in, and people are there that think that, like, oh, goddammit, I love Applebee's.
Guest 2:Like, that kind of thing, where, you know, not to, you know, make everything very simple, but it's, you know, I'm doing stuff I know they're going to like, and I'm having fun with it, but it's one of those things where it's like, I'd rather be talking about this.
Guest 2:Right.
Guest 2:But I don't, and the thing is, what I'm trying to make myself do is take more of that chance and go ahead and talk about what I want to talk about and try to bring them in more.
Marc:Well, I think that's my creative process and that is yours as well.
Marc:And I think that comics get very frustrated because there are really two types of comics.
Marc:I've never written, very rarely do I write a joke.
Marc:What happens to me is I have hours of material, much of which I have forgotten over time.
Marc:And I have to listen to my CDs to remember it.
Marc:But what happens to me is that once I find myself in that prison of repetition is that I will develop a type of self-hatred and a type of frustration where I'm like, you know, I got to go do every set I can until something, until it comes out of me.
Marc:Yes.
Marc:Until I get back into the present.
Marc:And last night was sort of a breakthrough.
Marc:You know, after I did, you know, I mean, not, you know, in a life sort of way, but in terms of a creative process.
Marc:Uh, jolt was that, you know, I've been doing a lot of these smaller shows, you know, under the, under the radar, just so I can put myself in the position to, to, you know, to just talk again, uh, like I do on the radio or on the podcast, but to do it on stage and find out where my thoughts are and then let them organize themselves on stage.
Marc:And I think that that does come from improvising.
Guest 2:Yeah.
Marc:But I think a lot of guys don't improvise.
Guest 2:Yeah.
Marc:They write the joke.
Marc:They do the joke.
Marc:They meddle with the joke.
Marc:They go try it again.
Marc:Whereas me, it's just an ongoing conversation.
Marc:Sure.
Marc:And I think that what you were saying before is something I'm starting to realize is somewhat false.
Marc:In the sense that we all have these assumptions about audiences.
Guest 2:Yeah.
Guest 2:No, and you're right.
Guest 2:I think I'm wrong a lot, too.
Marc:No, I don't know if it's wrong.
Marc:I think that it's right to a certain degree.
Marc:But what I realized last night is that if you're on a show where you follow four or five guys that are just all bells and whistles, all like, la, la, la, la.
Marc:You know, like, you know, that a tone is set in the room.
Marc:Sure.
Marc:And certainly, you know, if you're going to look at audiences as collectives of people representing, you know, the country and a lot of people don't, you know, they don't know what to do with new things.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:And they all prejudge.
Marc:And if you think differently than them, you know, it's just like high school.
Marc:They're going to be like, oh, this guy.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:But underneath those expectations is that if you can present them with something that they haven't thought of before and they process it, they let it in, you connect on a very human level.
Guest 2:No, yeah.
Marc:I think they're out there.
Marc:That's what I'm after.
Marc:Yeah, but it just depends on what the hell has happened in the room before.
Marc:Sure.
Marc:And also where you are.
Marc:I mean, I think regionally there are some issues.
Marc:And if you're in the Midwest and you get up there and say, Jesus sucks, am I right?
Marc:And that's your opener, then you're setting up an obstacle.
Yeah.
Guest 2:Well, you know, the thing is not to go like, I have my sword, where's yours?
Guest 2:Right.
Guest 2:Let's fight.
Marc:Yeah, it took me a long time to learn that.
Guest 2:You know, and I mean, there are times where I am like, you know, I mean, because you'll overhear conversations, you'll be like, oh, fuck you.
Guest 2:Yeah.
Guest 2:I mean, even in Portland where, you know, it's like this liberal bastion, sometimes, you know, it goes way too far for me where I'm like, wait, that's crazy.
Guest 2:You know, like I was in this pizza parlor and this guy's- You can't live on dirt.
Guest 2:Yeah, yeah.
Guest 2:You can't eat it with soy milk, you can't.
Guest 2:No, and this guy's loud, and he's just like, oh, man, did you hear Obama sent more troops to Afghanistan, which I wasn't cool with anyway, but he's like, yeah, he's Bush 2, man.
Guest 2:No, man, Bush 2 was Bush 2.
Guest 2:Fucking, what are you missing?
Guest 2:So it can go on a couple different levels.
Guest 2:I think it's just...
Guest 2:I don't want to assume people's ignorance, but sometimes people prove you're right.
Marc:Well, I just find that if you don't talk in the buttons that people hear or have set because of television, because of their political ideas, and you talk from your own perspective and what your real point of view is on it,
Guest 2:They have to take it.
Guest 2:Also, it goes back to your thing about familiarity.
Guest 2:What was it?
Guest 2:About the song?
Marc:Efficient familiarity.
Guest 2:Efficient familiarity.
Guest 2:That is huge for people.
Guest 2:Where if they're not watching a sitcom with a fat guy and a hot wife, they don't get it.
Guest 2:So it's like you have to kind of show them something new.
Guest 2:Maybe give them something they're kind of familiar with.
Guest 2:Like, oh, I know they'll like this joke.
Guest 2:I know they'll like this joke.
Guest 2:And I have fun doing this joke, so let's do this joke.
Guest 2:But yeah, it's funny.
Guest 2:Yeah.
Marc:And the one great thing about the prison of repetition is that once you do step out on the ice and you get that new five minutes, it just reinvigorates everything else.
Marc:Oh, yeah.
Marc:Completely.
Marc:Blood goes back into the veins of all the stuff that you hated.
Marc:It's so true.
Marc:So let's talk about, Matt walked into my garage today with an actual record album.
Marc:Yep.
Marc:It is an LP, they called them.
Marc:That's true.
Marc:And that lettering looks familiar to me.
Marc:This is an old disco riff, right?
Guest 2:Well, it's actually like a riff on the Bob Seger album.
Guest 2:Right, right.
Guest 2:Night Moves?
Guest 2:Yes.
Guest 2:Well, like Stranger in Town.
Guest 2:Right, right.
Marc:So it's Matt Bronger, Soak Up the Night.
Guest 2:Well, because I have a bit about fast food that you eat late at night when you're drunk and all those places that act like people go there after 2 a.m.
Guest 2:sober are ridiculous.
Guest 1:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest 2:That's their function is for drunks to eat there.
Guest 1:Yeah.
Guest 2:So their slogan should be soak up the night, like soak up what you drank.
Guest 2:So I was like, I'll call the album that.
Guest 2:And a friend was like, that sounds like a cheesy 80s rock album name.
Guest 2:And I was like, that's the cover.
Guest 2:So it's me like kind of making fun of the whole comedian as rock star mythos we've seen in the past couple of years kind of thing.
Guest 2:And like if I if that was a rock album, I would be the biggest douchebag ever.
Guest 2:Like, I mean, I just look at you like that.
Guest 2:Come on, soak up the night.
Marc:And it's just nice to hold a record.
Guest 2:yeah well that's a dream come true honestly because you know i grew up listening to comedy albums yeah me too yeah you know and and it's just now i have one sitting there in your bedroom changing your life you know yeah i mean i used to you know listen to uh george carlin's uh class clown oh yeah that was my shit and then you'd like bring people over i see dude come over and you just sit there with a friend and you'd heard it like 900 times you're just watching your friend uh-huh and when he laughs you laugh yeah yeah absolutely i just got a little tingle from that yeah
Marc:So now what's the angle on this?
Marc:So now I've got the record, and I appreciate it.
Marc:I'll give you my CDs, but now I want to do a record.
Marc:Oh, yeah.
Marc:Can we do one now?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:So people get the record.
Marc:Where can you get this?
Marc:Comedy Central record?
Guest 2:You can go on mattbronger.com and order it on vinyl, or you can just download it on iTunes if you want.
Marc:And in the record itself, you get a what?
Guest 2:It's a download card, basically.
Guest 2:So it's like the best of both worlds.
Guest 2:You get the LP, but you also get a card that you put
Guest 2:There's a code on it that's yours and only yours, and you put that on my website.
Guest 2:There's a little box you type it in, and it'll download the album to your computer.
Marc:You seem pretty happy.
Guest 2:I'm doing all right.
Guest 2:I'm doing all right.
Guest 2:I'm leaving for, what, Philadelphia tomorrow?
Guest 2:Helium, yeah.
Guest 2:Have you been there before?
Guest 2:I never have.
Marc:Nice room.
Marc:I played there towards the beginning of it and before I understood the power of social networking.
Marc:So it was an intimate experience.
Guest 2:Sure.
Guest 2:Okay.
Marc:Nice.
Marc:But I don't know if they still put you up in the same place.
Marc:Philly is one of the few older cities that actually, I think, had some success with the urban renewal thing.
Marc:Oh, yeah.
Marc:And so the downtown area is pretty lively.
Marc:Oh, cool.
Marc:And you should go get the Philly cheesesteaks.
Guest 2:Oh, yeah.
Guest 2:Oh, yeah.
Marc:Like go to the place.
Marc:There's like two places.
Guest 2:Yeah, there's Geno's.
Guest 2:It's like in Ron's or something.
Guest 2:I don't know.
Marc:I don't know.
Marc:I don't remember the names.
Marc:I'm just making them up.
Marc:But it's definitely worth going to get that.
Guest 2:Oh, yeah.
Guest 2:No, I love cheesesteaks.
Guest 2:I'll definitely be doing that.
Guest 2:Do you like shitty bar food in general?
Guest 2:I do.
Guest 2:I do.
Guest 2:And I like this whole nouveau trend of bars making shitty bar food really good.
Guest 2:Yeah.
Guest 2:Like, you know, now's the age of the good bar burger.
Guest 2:Yeah.
Guest 2:You know what I mean?
Guest 2:It's like imported blue cheese.
Guest 2:And I was like, why the fuck was this not going on before?
Marc:Because they always
Marc:assume that like you know it's bar food we can just order it in boxes and throw it in the fry later yes exactly or you know defrost the patties yeah and and now like i really think that because of the economy and because of shipping and everything else that it's actually forcing restaurants to like actually buy fresh food and make it yeah yeah yeah you can't just just count on the fact that yeah because like even if you pay for the shipping of the shitty cheap burger it you know it's going to cost you just as much in your mind so let's you know cook the real shit
Guest 2:Yeah.
Guest 2:And we're in the age where people are creating their own localized food sources.
Guest 2:Yeah.
Guest 2:You know what I mean?
Guest 2:So that can be a little cheaper for the local business person, too.
Marc:If I can figure out how to eat what I have growing down there, I'd do it.
Guest 2:This is an amazing place.
Guest 2:I really like this garage in the backyard and the trees and stuff.
Guest 2:It's cozy.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:It's like a cabin.
Marc:How long have you lived here?
Marc:I've been here since 2004, and I fought to keep the house, and I kept it.
Marc:But I don't want to go into that.
Marc:See, you woke up my Count of Monte Cristo.
Guest 2:I'm sorry.
Guest 2:You just woke him up.
Guest 2:Well, see, okay, just think about this.
Guest 2:The big thing was you didn't have to move.
Guest 2:That's right.
Guest 2:That's the big thing.
Guest 2:Oh, I know.
Guest 2:It's the worst.
Guest 2:That's nothing worse.
Marc:Here's how sick I am.
Marc:Because when I thought I was going to go broke and we were going to have to sell the house anyways during the divorce, I was like, where will the cats live?
Marc:I don't want to do that to the cats.
Guest 2:Yeah.
Marc:I'm holding on to not necessarily a great real estate investment because I like the house and I was concerned that Boomer, you might be lost.
Marc:Sure.
Guest 2:Yeah.
Guest 2:I can't.
Guest 2:Well, and this is Los Angeles, so you have to be concerned with the psychology of the emotional stability of the cats.
Marc:Oh, definitely.
Guest 2:You know what I mean?
Guest 2:They'll shatter their psyches.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Already I have a disgruntled cat, Boomer, because I can't let him in the house because he pees on shit.
Guest 2:Yeah.
Marc:So he's got to go outside and I got to deal with that.
Marc:Every night I hear him like...
Guest 2:Oh, you've got to give him a cat therapist.
Marc:Well, I've got to give him another cat, unfortunately.
Guest 2:Oh, okay, there you go.
Marc:Usually that's how he works, and then the addiction starts.
Guest 2:That is the therapy, the best therapy, isn't it?
Guest 2:Another person?
Guest 2:Just another person.
Guest 2:Yeah, it doesn't matter who they are.
Guest 2:It doesn't have to be someone in a nice sweater.
Marc:No, no, just walk up to them.
Marc:I think that's why I've done that.
Marc:I'm definitely a too much information guy.
Marc:I don't think you are, too.
Marc:I could barely know you, and I'd be like, yeah, I don't know.
Marc:I feel a little fat.
Marc:The holidays, do I look all right?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Place people into uncomfortable positions to support whatever you're fucking talking about.
Guest 2:You know when you're drifting off to sleep and feel like you're falling?
Guest 2:I do that all day while I'm awake.
Guest 2:Hey, I'm Greg.
Marc:All right, Matt Bronger, go find him.
Marc:Thanks for talking.
Marc:Thanks for having me, buddy.
Marc:All right, folks, here's the deal.
Marc:I am in the parking lot of the Arclight Theater, which is a Scientologist-owned theater here in Los Angeles, in Hollywood, right at Cahuenga in Sunset.
Marc:It is Sunday morning.
Marc:I'm going to see Avatar.
Marc:I don't want to see it.
Marc:I still believe what I believe about it, that it was too much money, a waste of money, a dubious and almost evil waste of money, given the climate that we are in.
Marc:But I got some emails saying that, well, maybe you should see it before you judge it.
Marc:And then I got the email that really got me was that it costs that much money because it's so good, because it's got new technology, because, you know, why why judge something like that?
Marc:It may be the best ever.
Marc:I mean, the money was well spent was the argument, given the joy of
Marc:The joy that it's brought so many people.
Marc:Joy.
Marc:This is where joy comes from.
Marc:I'm going to go sit down and take in a half a billion dollars worth of joy for two hours.
Marc:Because this apparently, in the consumer culture that we live in, this is what joy is.
Marc:Now, mind you, I am completely open to a spiritual experience at this point in time.
Marc:Today, specifically.
Marc:I woke up, it was beautiful out.
Marc:I had my coffee, my vitamins, my lemon drink that I drink.
Marc:I got in my car at eight in the morning, had a wonderful drive because there was no one on the street and a beautiful day.
Marc:I listened to gospel music on Pacifica radio.
Marc:I went to yoga.
Marc:I went to yoga for an hour and a half.
Marc:I am open.
Marc:I am wide open to experience a half a billion dollars worth of joy.
Marc:Think about the number of people it employed.
Marc:Think about this wonderful new technology, this entertainment technology.
Marc:Think about all the people it brought joy to around the world.
Marc:I couldn't be more open for joy right now.
Marc:And quite honestly, I am open to a spiritual experience.
Marc:Listened to gospel music.
Marc:I squirted out a few tears Because a woman talking on the gospel radio show was sending prayers out to people that needed prayers I went to yoga bent myself and contorted myself into into just blasting open all my chakras now I'm in a car and
Marc:of the Arclight Theater, Scientology owned, but we're not going to go into that.
Marc:I'm not going to judge it because it is really one of the best facilities.
Marc:I'm doing the 3D thing too.
Marc:We're going 3D, half a billion dollars worth of joy coming into my wide open third eye.
Marc:I think we're going.
Marc:All right, so I'm having a hard time breathing.
Marc:I'm in the car right now with Kyle Kinane, and we just got out of Avatar.
Marc:All right, I went.
Marc:You bullied me into it.
Marc:Not you, Kyle, but people who were saying that I could not judge a film prior to seeing it.
Marc:I can't breathe.
Marc:I'm having a hard time adjusting to the Earth's environment and the atmosphere.
Guest 1:Three minutes out of Avatar, we pledged not to say anything from the time the movie ended.
Guest 1:Everybody stayed to watch the credits because those were in 3D as well.
Marc:My mind's a little fucked up.
Marc:I'm having a hard time adjusting to breathing.
Guest 1:Really?
Marc:Well, we saw it in 3D.
Marc:It was pretty... Was it worth $100 million an hour?
Marc:Was it $300 million?
Guest 1:Is that the price tag of it?
Guest 1:I hear that's the low end.
Guest 1:Possibly it's going to be higher than that.
Guest 1:Could they have spent more than $2,500 on the script?
Guest 1:Can I ask that much?
Marc:Why?
Marc:Oh, yeah.
Guest 1:Really?
Guest 1:Really?
Guest 1:Really?
Guest 1:An army guy saying you're not in Kansas anymore?
Guest 1:That's where I checked out the first time.
Marc:Okay.
Marc:Well, there were definitely some archetypes.
Marc:There were definitely, and I'm using that word in lieu of the word hackneyed.
Guest 1:That's generous.
Marc:Hackneyed archetypes.
Marc:Hackneyed characters.
Guest 1:What were they trying to get that they couldn't get?
Guest 1:I mean, it was kind of a vague name for something that you wanted to have, but it was difficult.
Guest 1:Oh, it was unobtainium.
Guest 1:Unobtainium.
Guest 1:Because hard to getium, I think, was used in another movie already.
Guest 1:Tough to dig upium.
Guest 1:Can't find any of them.
Guest 1:The stuff we want is under these indigenous people's homeium.
Guest 1:Unobtainium.
Guest 1:Go fuck yourself.
Guest 1:Come on, really?
Guest 1:I thought that that was a joke the first time he said it, and I guess we can't be too much of a spoiler.
Guest 1:$300 million, you could have paid somebody to come up with a better word.
Guest 1:You could have given me $100 and I could have come up with a better word for something you were looking for that was tough to get other than unobtainium.
Marc:Unobtainium, yeah.
Marc:Or I hope there's some there left them.
Marc:Yeah, yeah.
Marc:Not much left.
Marc:But quite honestly, though, the triggers that it hit for me, you know, obviously it's a mythic story.
Marc:It's tribalism versus corporatism versus militarism.
Marc:There was a lot of political messages.
Marc:There was an environmental message, environmentalism message, which is why I got all this flack.
Marc:It's like people are emailing me saying it's, you know, it's great because the message is good.
Marc:And I understand that.
Marc:And also, the blue girls, very fuckable.
Guest 1:Unbelievably so.
Guest 1:I was a little bit disturbed.
Guest 1:But then when it was, well... And I don't mean to... Not to ruin it, but they are much larger than a human person.
Guest 1:Yes.
Guest 1:When they interacted together, that could be... That was hot.
Guest 1:That'd be a terrifyingly large vagina.
Guest 1:And again... I mean, if you have issues now about your body, imagine trying to...
Marc:But they were still in the human realm, maybe two or three feet above, but it didn't look like, you know, they were just taller.
Marc:They didn't look, well, look, I don't want to objectify mythic blue people.
Marc:And I don't want to be called a mythological sexist.
Marc:But there was definitely some hot sex appeal to this movie.
Marc:Yeah, there was.
Marc:Now, and my first reaction to it is I think that it was still way too fucking expensive.
Marc:I think the story was fine.
Marc:The technology was great.
Marc:It was very beautiful to look at.
Marc:And I still think, you know, I feel pissed off that I spent that kind of money.
Marc:I feel pissed off still that that kind of money was spent on that movie.
Marc:And despite the fact that it was an environmental story, that it was an anti-war story, that's how liberals rationalize insane expenditures.
Marc:It's hypocritical to think that a kid is going to walk out of that movie looking at the world any differently unless the parents tell them the analogy it's making to the world we live in here.
Marc:Is that strident?
Guest 1:No, no, no, no.
Guest 1:My argument is, okay, it takes some crazy lunatic with a bunch of money like Cameron to make... Now, this technology that he has developed for this movie, I'm confident will be employed much better later on, but it takes some loony to say, I got millions and millions and millions of dollars.
Guest 1:Let's do this.
Guest 1:I'm sure the first television was really expensive.
Guest 1:It's like, we got radio.
Guest 1:Who needs to see the pictures?
Guest 1:This is weird.
Guest 1:That's how I'm trying to... Rationalize it?
Guest 1:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest 1:Okay, well, my feeling... It's not great, but as a movie, it wasn't the worst thing I've ever seen, I'll say that.
Marc:No, right, but I mean, my point is, it's still the expenditure doesn't necessarily justify the means, and I got this email from a guy that says...
Marc:Well, aren't you taking into consideration how much joy it brought everybody?
Marc:Do we have to pay a half a billion dollars for joy?
Marc:Do I have to pay another $20 and wear silly glasses for joy?
Marc:I tell you, honestly, I could add a deeper emotional experience, a deeper human experience, probably somewhere in this parking lot right now.
Marc:Granted...
Marc:It wouldn't have blue people.
Marc:It wouldn't last three hours.
Marc:But I think that the idea that this technology is going to be the future of entertainment and the future of giving joy, the price tag's still too fucking high, and I don't think that the message is going to be extrapolated by young minds unless guided that way.
Guest 1:Well, yeah, I'm not going to—the message thing, that's not—like, I hated Crash.
Guest 1:I thought Crash treated me like I was a six-year-old.
Guest 1:But to justify that you're making X amount, let's say, just for figure's sake, a $300 million movie, it's going to have to appeal to everybody.
Guest 1:They're not going to make a $300 million movie that only appeals to males 18 to 24.
Guest 1:They have to justify that much.
Guest 1:That's why it's a broad sweeping excuse.
Marc:It's a myth.
Marc:It's like Star Wars.
Marc:It's a great mythological universe, great mythological figure.
Marc:Quite honestly, though, I cried more during Titanic.
Marc:Did you cry at Titanic at all?
Marc:Of course I did.
Marc:And I cried a little in here.
Marc:I don't hold back.
Marc:I'll squirt out a few tears.
Marc:They were dribbling.
Marc:My tears were dribbling under my two pairs of glasses, one being 3D.
Marc:And I cried 3D tears.
Guest 1:Those were real.
Guest 1:Those were real, man.
Guest 1:I could touch them.
Guest 1:I could taste them.
Guest 1:I think it's a pretty clear concept in the movie myself where it's like, hey, just because people have stuff you like, don't kill them for it.
Guest 1:That's a general thing.
Guest 1:Especially if they have their own different color skin or their own identities.
Guest 1:Yeah.
Guest 1:I think there's some basic lessons that anybody could take away from that.
Guest 1:Okay.
Guest 1:You don't already know.
Guest 1:Okay.
Guest 1:All right.
Guest 1:Half a billion dollars.
Guest 1:What movie would you like to have seen that you think would deserve a $300 million price tag?
Marc:I don't even know how much that money is.
Marc:I mean, I'm amazed when movies cost $30 million.
Guest 1:We need to look at what else in the world costs $300 million.
Guest 1:What movie that you've seen?
Guest 1:I mean, have you ever seen any?
Guest 1:I mean, Annie Hall isn't going to work in 3D.
Guest 1:I'm sure down the road that's what they're going to be doing.
Guest 1:No, Woody Allen in Two Dimensions is plenty.
Marc:We don't need a 3D neurotic Jew coming out of the screen.
Guest 1:Nothing but nervous fingers poking at you the whole time.
Guest 1:I want to be able to touch his horn-rimmed glasses.
Guest 1:I get nervous.
Guest 1:I do this thing with my hands.
Guest 1:It's coming right at you.
Marc:It's relatively disposable, this movie.
Marc:You can see it as many times as you want.
Marc:The story is going to be exactly the same.
Marc:And I don't believe that you're going to get as much out of it if that money was better spent.
Guest 1:But it's not James Cameron's, it's his money to spend on what he does.
Guest 1:Like the money that you make, you spend on what you do.
Guest 1:I try to spend very little money.
Guest 1:Like if I had $300 million, I'd save most of it.
Guest 1:Yeah, but as somebody put it to me once, the fact that you can't afford something nicer to eat is the same kind of hurt that a rich kid gets when he gets the wrong color BMW for his 16th birthday.
Guest 1:He doesn't know the difference.
Guest 1:It's still the same pain because he doesn't know otherwise.
Guest 1:James Cameron doesn't.
Guest 1:He makes big, retarded movies.
Guest 1:That's what he does.
Guest 1:It's not like, oh, but I could do so much with his movies.
Guest 1:He's like, no, I get money and I make big movies.
Guest 1:And I get more money and then I make big movies.
Marc:So I guess we just got to hope that they keep spending this amount of money to plunge huge 3D spectacular mind-fucking movies into our head that we may or may not be able to draw analogies to real life with.
Guest 1:So you're definitely going to want me to pay you back for this ticket then.
Guest 1:No.
Guest 1:No, it's my treat, Kyle.
Guest 1:Yeah, yes.
Guest 1:Yeah, exactly.
Marc:It was a good time.
Marc:We had candies and drinks.
Marc:Yeah, and I cried and got excited.
Guest 1:You cried.
Guest 1:You must be an easy one.
Guest 1:I haven't cried since I saw the bucket list.
Marc:Oh, geez, yeah.
Guest 1:So that shows you where my level is.
Guest 1:Yeah, I squirted out a few.
Guest 1:I think I cried during a commercial yesterday.
Guest 1:I'm very fragile.
Guest 1:Squirting out a few takes all the emotion out of you crying, by the way, using that phrase.
Guest 1:Oh, it does?
Guest 1:Did you cry?
Guest 1:Oh, yeah, squirted.
Marc:Squirted on that one.
Marc:Squirted out in a bunch of tears.
Marc:No, but the Top Gun done pterodactyl style was definitely worth it.
Marc:We can't be a spoiler.
Guest 1:Anytime they showed military stuff in 3D, I got a boner.
Guest 1:I would go see a big dumb movie in 3D again.
Marc:But it was pretty powerful, that tree.
Marc:We can't be a spoiler.
Marc:No.
Marc:I will say I was entertained.
Marc:I do stick by my original argument.
Marc:I could have gotten the same emotional message in a deeper, more effective way on all levels in something that cost not even a fraction of the money.
Marc:And I'm happy we have a new 3D technology because God knows when this earth becomes unbearable and no one listens to the message of this movie, we're going to need some pretty powerful distractions to make us forget that we did that.
Guest 4:All right, maybe you can pay me back.
Marc:Okay, folks, that's our show.
Marc:I hope you dug that.
Marc:It was nice hanging out with Kyle.
Marc:That's the end of the Avatar discussion.
Marc:I will comment a little more, perhaps, on Conan O'Brien and Jay Leno later.
Marc:I'm just sad that I had a set almost approved.
Marc:It was approved, and then it wasn't approved, and now I send new jokes, and I wanted to do the show.
Marc:I wanted to make my Tonight Show premiere on Conan O'Brien.
Marc:I don't know if that's going to happen.
Marc:Let's get some plugging in.
Marc:First, out of the gate here, I want to thank Justin and Brandy for helping me redesign some website stuff.
Marc:That's right.
Marc:I'm back at MySpace.
Marc:I just wanted to have that.
Marc:I hadn't touched that thing in months because MySpace has become like a ghetto.
Marc:And a couple of fans, they helped me out.
Marc:And if you go to their website, if you're into rocks...
Marc:That's right.
Marc:Rocks like minerals and shiny things and courses and all that stuff.
Marc:Brandy and Justin run a sort of major web vortex matrix of minerals that are available.
Marc:Things that are that are fun and pretty that you can put on your window so it make necklaces or earrings out of.
Marc:and that's at the-bug.com, V-U-G.com.
Marc:If that's your bag, check that out.
Marc:A couple of other things I'd like to do.
Marc:I'd like to tell you to go to wtfpod.com, get on the mailing list, follow us on Twitter, get some Just Coffee.
Marc:New merch is on the way.
Marc:Nerdcock shirts are coming, and new WTF shirts are going to be coming.
Marc:We're going to move it all over there.
Marc:So it's a little cheaper.
Marc:So go there.
Marc:PunchlineMagazine.com for everything you need to know about comedy.
Marc:They're helping us.
Marc:Go help them.
Marc:They have a lot of good stuff there.
Marc:If you're into comedy or you're getting into comedy, that's the place to go.
Marc:PunchlineMagazine.com.
Marc:Also, I will be in Seattle tonight.
Marc:The 14th through the 16th.
Marc:I'll be up there at laughs.
Marc:You can go to laughs.
Marc:What is it?
Marc:Come on, Marin.
Marc:You ought to know how to do this by now.
Marc:Just write it on a piece of paper.
Marc:Do that.
Marc:The laughs comedy spot, I believe.
Marc:And you can go to laughs comedy dot com.
Marc:And get reservations for that.
Marc:Ah, yes.
Marc:Live WTF January 22nd with Jeff Garland, Jimmy Pardo, Kate Micucci at the UCB Theater here in Los Angeles.
Marc:You might need to get reservations for that if you want to go.
Marc:That's losangeles.ucbtheater.com.
Marc:That's theater with an R-E at the end because that's going to pack out.
Marc:And one more thing, or maybe two more things.
Marc:January 28th, 7 p.m., Comedy Central stage at the Hudson Theater.
Marc:I will be doing a television pilot presentation for a WTF show.
Marc:Not quite like this, but with the same title.
Marc:You need to call 323-960-5519 for reservations for the WTF pilot presentation for Comedy Central at the Comedy Central stage, January 28th, 7 o'clock p.m., 323-960-5519.
Marc:God, is that all of it?
Marc:Should we do a Max Fun Plug, May 7th through 9th?
Marc:You want to do that?
Marc:Jesse Thorne, Sound of Young America.
Marc:Jordan, Jesse, go.
Marc:We're going to be up there doing a retreat of funness.
Marc:A fun retreat with Al Madrigal, Maria Bamford, Jimmy Pardo, Andrew WK, May 7th through 9th.
Marc:Up there at Lake Arrowhead.
Marc:You can go to maxfuncon.com.
Marc:Get involved with that.
Marc:God, I think that's enough.
Marc:What the fuck?
Marc:Have a great weekend.