Episode 379 - Jim Florentine
Marc:all right let's do this how are you what the fuckers what the fuck buddies what the fucking ears what the fuck aristas what the fuck nicks welcome to the show i am mark maron this is wtf i appreciate you being here uh a lot of things have happened since i've last talked to you
Marc:a lot of things in the world a lot of things in my life uh i will try to deal with them i will try to uh to bring you in uh to what's happening today on the show uh we've got jim florentine who is a guy i've known for years i've never really talked to he's got an amazing story uh and uh he's a he's a real dude he's a good guy and a lot of heart it's a good talk and i hope you dig that
Marc:Maybe I should get some business out of the way before I start talking because there's stuff to talk about.
Marc:I just taped my special in New York City.
Marc:It went well.
Marc:There was this horrible tragedy in Boston at the marathon that happened hours before I taped my special.
Marc:It was very difficult.
Marc:It was a very difficult thing to manage and to react to and to have to perform.
Marc:I'll speak to that in just a second.
Marc:But before we get into stuff, let me let me do some business.
Marc:I want to keep you in the loop with what's happening with me.
Marc:Obviously, my show Marin is premiering on May 3rd and the book is available for preorder.
Marc:If you go to WTF pod dot com, it'll get you a link to preorder attempting normal.
Marc:And I appreciate all of you who did.
Marc:I'm going to.
Marc:sweeten the deal a little bit on this pre-order thing if you pre-order the book now and you send your receipt to attempting normal at randomhouse.com uh they will send you a free a poster
Marc:it's book related it's a unique poster but they're only going to have so many of them but there's enough of them to go around so if you pre-order the book today and get your receipt to attemptingnormal at randomhouse.com before the 29th of this month we'll get you a free poster how's that does that okay does that make it more exciting to do that
Marc:But it's hard right now.
Marc:It's hard for me to talk about the exciting things that are going on because we're all in the aftermath of a situation that it's just horrible.
Marc:I mean, it's one of these horrible realities where evil fucks do something for whatever fucking reason they do it for, and now we're terrified and have to find the strength within us to sort of rise above it and not dramatically change the way our life
Marc:is led because of these things you know fear is horrible and that's all these people want to do that so whoever did this just wanted to make everybody afraid and and it works but it's not a fear that we can't transcend you know as a country and as people and it it's it's just it's just fucking heartbreaking it's hard to even wrap your brain around it you know and i lived in boston for years
Marc:And I got a letter here from Rick Jenkins, who is a comic in Boston.
Marc:He just wrote me a letter out of nowhere, really.
Marc:He's going to be on an upcoming live WTF.
Marc:Some of you may have heard him mentioned on this show as the...
Marc:the founder of the Comedy Studio, where a lot of the newer Boston acts have did a lot of time working out their stuff, like Eugene Merman and others.
Marc:He wrote me a letter, said, Hi, Mark.
Marc:You have lots of roots, friends, and fans here in Boston, so we want to let you know that as far as we know, everyone in the comedy community is safe.
Marc:One of the victims, Crystal, was friends with one of my wife's coworkers, and Crystal's mother works with some of our comedians and their families.
Marc:The degrees of separation aren't too far.
Marc:Okay.
Marc:That chalkboard was the spot where the second bomb was placed, and that apartment is now within the official crime scene area.
Marc:We'll continue with our regular schedule of shows at the comedy studio because we don't know what else to do.
Marc:Even if it won't be the same, we'll have the chance to be together.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Well, that's from Rick, and that's the news I've heard from Boston personally.
Marc:And it was very difficult for me because...
Marc:And I'm not being selfish about it.
Marc:I didn't know about it.
Marc:I got to New York from San Francisco.
Marc:I was going to be taping my two shows to be used for my special at Le Poisson Rouge in New York City.
Marc:And I wasn't feeling well.
Marc:I got some sort of stomach bug.
Marc:So, of course, before the show, I'm like, why the fuck?
Marc:I've been doing so much work to lead up to this day.
Marc:And now I feel under the weather.
Marc:That was my biggest problem.
Marc:And then when I got to the green room and I got to the venue and I was starting to tweet out that we were going to do the shows and I was excited.
Marc:All of a sudden it's like, wow, I can't tweet this.
Marc:Something has happened.
Marc:I didn't even know what happened.
Marc:I was just sitting there laying on a green room couch.
Marc:And then I saw the tweets coming out about what happened in Boston and went and saw what happened in Boston.
Marc:I was like, oh, my God, this is fucking horrendous.
Marc:Because, you know, when you're in New York and I was in New York, you know, during 9-11, you don't know whether there's going to be ripples.
Marc:You don't know whether this is going to happen in other places.
Marc:And I was getting ready to do two shows at a very big night in my life.
Marc:And it was weird choices.
Marc:And then some tweets came in.
Marc:I can't come to the show.
Marc:I'm waiting to hear from people in Boston, family members.
Marc:And I'm like, oh, my God.
Marc:I mean, do I cancel?
Marc:What's the right thing to do here?
Marc:And I knew I wouldn't cancel.
Marc:I shouldn't cancel.
Marc:And I knew that people in New York were going to be stressed out about this.
Marc:And that panic was going to be reinvigorated about what happened there.
Marc:And they also, I'm sure their hearts were going out to people in Boston.
Marc:And I had to do a show.
Marc:And, you know, it was a good time to do a show.
Marc:It was an important time to do a show.
Marc:Whatever people were going through, you know, hours before the worry and the panic or, you know, God forbid they knew somebody who was hurt or killed.
Marc:You know, they were going to come to the show.
Marc:And and I, you know, I was I had to be an entertainer.
Marc:And then there really comes the question where it's like, should I mention this?
Marc:Do I acknowledge what's happening out in the world on a TV taping?
Marc:That's not going to air for a couple months.
Marc:Even if we could cut it out, do I bring that into it and try to deal with that on stage?
Marc:And it was weird.
Marc:It was an emotional decision for me because there was a time.
Marc:where I would have immediately started talking about stuff like that.
Marc:You know, if it was happening in the news, even if it was, you know, even if it was still happening, you know, I didn't have the filter necessary to realize that maybe you shouldn't address stuff like that.
Marc:I mean, there was a, I remember when Louie, I think Louie was doing his first Letterman and it was literally either the day of or the day after the Oklahoma city bombing.
Marc:And I'm walking down the street and he's like, I can't believe it.
Marc:You know, this is happening.
Marc:It's my big night.
Marc:And,
Marc:And, you know, I feel bad, but I don't know what I should do.
Marc:And I remember saying this.
Marc:I said to him, you know, you got to mention it.
Marc:How are you not going to mention it?
Marc:You're going to be on television.
Marc:That's the way my brain worked.
Marc:You know, by not mentioning it, you're acting like you're in an alternate reality.
Marc:Why would you not mention it?
Marc:And, you know, apparently Louie told me later that he said to the producer, you know, the night, you know, he was doing the show, Bob Morton, he said, you know, Maren said, you know, I should, you know, I should figure out a way to mention it.
Marc:And Bob Morton said, well, you know, that's why Maren's not doing the show.
Marc:So I had to weigh this stuff out, and I decided, well, look, man, this is a night for entertainment.
Marc:This is a night to do what you do, and you're not going to wrap your brain around this, and there's no reason to bring it up.
Marc:Let's do the magic.
Marc:You know, make people take people away from it.
Marc:Bring them in.
Marc:Do your show.
Marc:And that's what I did.
Marc:I did two shows and they went very well.
Marc:And I saw a lot of responsive people were happy they went that it did sort of relieve some of the pain and fear and panic of the moment.
Marc:And I felt good about that.
Marc:And I want to thank everybody who came out.
Marc:They were really unique shows.
Marc:You know, I'm glad that we did it the way we did it.
Marc:I made a choice to not do a theater situation, to do an intimate nightclub situation.
Marc:And I think it went beautifully.
Marc:And Lance Bangs directed it.
Marc:And I hope it comes out well.
Marc:We'll do some editing.
Marc:And my friend Tom Sharpling came down.
Marc:Sam Lipsight came down.
Marc:And they were hanging with me in the green room.
Marc:Sam brought me his new book, which I was mad that I didn't get a copy of.
Marc:Lipsight's got a new book out, The Fun Parts, A Book of Stories.
Marc:He's great.
Marc:Please get his book.
Marc:God, get his book.
Marc:There's no one funnier than Sam Lipsight.
Marc:But they hung out with me, and we had some conversations in the green room.
Marc:We taped a little of that stuff.
Marc:Sharpling brought me on stage, both shows.
Marc:It's just nice to have close friends around.
Marc:You know, it was weird because, you know, we're in the middle of this horrible event happening and it's nice to have friends around for that.
Marc:But then, you know, at the same time, it was nice to have friends around, you know, for this big event in my life.
Marc:And I don't know.
Marc:I don't think it could have happened any other way.
Marc:So I want to talk to Jim Florentine.
Marc:Now, I also want to bring up my I got a gig in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania at the.
Marc:The Music Fest Cafe at Steel Stacks.
Marc:I still have no idea what any of that means, but I assume if you're in the Bethlehem, Pennsylvania area, you know what that means.
Marc:That's going to be on tomorrow night, on Friday night, if you want to come out to that.
Marc:Let's go now, if we could, to my conversation with Jim Florentine, which I loved, and it was great to talk to him.
Marc:I'd known him for years, and we'd never really sat down and talked about stuff.
Marc:So let's do that.
Marc:I can't remember the last fucking time.
Marc:I mean, I don't know if you and I have ever really hung out and talked.
Marc:My guest is Jim Florentine.
Marc:But we were definitely around each other for a long time.
Guest:Well, you know what?
Guest:Yeah, I always saw you in the clubs and stuff.
Guest:But the first time we really kind of hung is when you had that show on VH1.
Guest:Was it Never Mind the Bullock?
Marc:Oh, yeah.
Marc:Never Mind the Buzzcocks.
Guest:Buzzcocks.
Guest:Yeah, that's it.
Guest:Yeah, and I was a guest on one of your shows.
Marc:That failure.
Marc:That failure of a show.
Guest:I remember the day you must have been angry at the producer or something like that.
Guest:You weren't in a good mood.
Guest:When we were shooting?
Guest:Yeah, we were shooting.
Guest:I don't know if they did a couple of shows in one day or whatever.
Marc:I wasn't happy about the whole thing.
Marc:I didn't understand the fucking game.
Marc:I don't know.
Guest:No, I hear you.
Marc:Oh, so I left a bad impression.
Guest:No, no, I loved it.
Guest:I loved it because I knew what you were dealing with as a comic.
Guest:You're like, dude, look, you know, you got 50 people in headsets walking around telling you what, you know, maybe you should try something else.
Guest:Don't worry about it.
Marc:I got it.
Marc:It was this game with no stakes.
Marc:And I never understood the game.
Marc:And I was sick the week that we were shooting.
Marc:And, you know, the only reason I did it was to get me out of that first divorce.
Marc:I was broke.
Marc:It was fucking horrible.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:But you had an angle, though.
Marc:Didn't you have an angle?
Marc:I mean, wasn't there, like, you had the long hair, I remember.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:And you were jamming Jim Quarantine for a while?
Guest:Yeah, yeah.
Guest:But it was a music thing.
Guest:No, I was trying to be, like, the rock and roll comic.
Guest:Oh, right, yeah.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Because I saw, you know, Kinison and Dice.
Guest:Yeah, yeah.
Guest:I saw those guys.
Guest:Like, I was never...
Guest:You know, I loved Carlin and Pryor, but I never thought about being a comic.
Guest:I really wanted to be in a band and be a musician, but I didn't have the talent.
Guest:All my friends were in it.
Guest:To sing or anything?
Guest:To sing.
Guest:Yeah, I tried guitar.
Guest:I was a lefty.
Guest:Everyone's like, I'm a righty.
Guest:I don't know how to, I can't turn a guitar around.
Guest:I can't teach you.
Guest:And I'm like, ah, shit.
Guest:I mean, I even went for singing lessons one time and a woman after the first lesson goes, look, you don't have it.
Guest:I could take your money for the next two years, but you just don't have an ear for music.
Guest:Really?
Guest:At least she was honest.
Guest:I like that she was, because I could have been in there for two years thinking I had something.
Marc:But do you really need to have that?
Marc:That's what I always wonder.
Marc:As I get older, it's like, well, you just need to be in it.
Marc:You're just really earnest about it, and you'll get by.
Guest:No, but you have to be in key and all that, and I can't even hear the music.
Guest:I love music, but I'm tapping my foot.
Guest:Like, what are you tapping your foot for?
Marc:Oh, so you're out.
Marc:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest:I'm awful.
Marc:So then the angle was, because for some reason I thought you might have played guitar, because I remember the long hair jamming Jim Florentine, but that was just the angle.
Marc:And you were like, I guess we started probably around the same time, no?
Marc:I started like 90, 91.
Marc:Yeah, yeah, not too far after me.
Marc:So we were always around the New York thing, and you were a club guy.
Guest:Comic Strip was the place I got in the first time, yeah.
Marc:Yeah, and you're like...
Marc:there would seem to be a group of guys that come out of the, the sort of dice tradition.
Marc:Are you that guy?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I mean, he was, he was, yeah, it was totally, I wore a leather jacket on stage with fringes.
Guest:I had long hair and I was just telling these dirty, nasty jokes.
Marc:Cause you guys get kind of put together you and Norton and,
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And Rich Voss was another boss.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:I remember when Voss started, he had that Jerry curl and like in that weird ass ponytail.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And they had those weight, bad weightlifter pants.
Guest:Remember those little like those big puffy pants used to wear and he had the tan and he was never pleasant.
Marc:No, I know.
Guest:The first time I met him, he goes, we did a road gig and I show up at the hotel and I'm in the room and then he comes in.
Guest:He's like, who are you?
Guest:And I'm like, who are you?
Guest:He's like, I'm Rich Voss.
Guest:I'm like, oh, I'm Jim.
Guest:He's like, what are you doing in my room?
Guest:I go, this is my room.
Guest:He's like, no, this is mine.
Guest:The booker only gave us one room.
Guest:Of course, they didn't tell you.
Guest:And he gets on the phone in the hotel room.
Guest:And I just, I never met him before.
Guest:He's like, look, I'm not sharing a room with a guy named Jammin' Jim.
Guest:So get me another fucking room.
Guest:And I'm like, what a dick this guy is.
Guest:He's fucking mellowed so much, though.
Guest:He's like some sort of whipping boy over there at O&A.
Guest:He used to be such a kind of a douchey dude, but now he's just a fucking sweetheart.
Guest:Yeah, he's a good dude.
Guest:Their movie is great.
Guest:Him and Bonnie did that movie.
Guest:Yeah, I heard about that.
Guest:Women Aren't Funny.
Guest:I got a copy of it.
Guest:They showed it to me.
Guest:It's really good.
Marc:So you were just fucking on the road, because I was trying to figure it out.
Marc:There was a lot of dudes that I started with.
Marc:I'd go on and off the road.
Marc:I never really kind of locked in long enough.
Marc:I'd always do other shit.
Marc:I never built any relationships out there.
Marc:But you were one of those dudes that was fucking everywhere.
Marc:You did every fucking room, A or B, that you could do.
Marc:And you spent your life out there.
Guest:Yeah, because you know what?
Guest:I went into New York in the beginning.
Guest:Where were you from?
Guest:New Jersey, Old Bridge, about 45 minutes south of New York.
Marc:So you're part of the New Jersey crew.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Me and Norton started at the same time.
Guest:We started going to the city.
Guest:We knew we had to make it there.
Guest:Did you know him before he started?
Guest:No.
Guest:I was running an open mic.
Guest:In Jersey?
Guest:Yeah, and he came down.
Guest:When he had hair?
Guest:No, he still didn't have hair.
Guest:He still had the crew cut.
Guest:Oh, okay.
Guest:Yeah, and he was just completely awful.
Guest:I mean, the jokes he was saying were just horrendous about, like, fucking his grandmother in church.
Guest:Yeah, yeah.
Guest:That was, like, his opening joke.
Marc:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest:And I took a liking to him.
Guest:I like this scumbag for some reason.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:So we tried to go in New York City, and then we didn't know anybody, but we met Voss, and Voss said I'm from, and he was, you know, so Voss would take us to the clubs and go, hey, these guys are funny.
Guest:He never saw us.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And they were just like, yeah, whatever.
Guest:And then Voss took us on road gigs opening for them because he knew every shitty one-nighter.
Guest:Right.
Guest:That's right.
Guest:So it was perfect.
Guest:So we were out there every night working awful gigs, but at least we were working.
Marc:But there was that whole sequence of like, they're not even B rooms.
Marc:They're just these fucking miserable holes in the wall that you could do like two or three a week sometimes, right?
Yeah.
Guest:Easily easily we were doing like four or five anywhere some bar you Voss and Norton me Voss and Norton Yeah, they know what they were getting into because none of you had a name value at that time And that's it.
Guest:That's got to be a full assault fucking Phil.
Guest:Oh, we totally was like yeah It was you know, it was funny like Voss took because chicks use when I had the long hair like a jersey and Pennsylvania these gay, you know I was like a rock star, right?
Guest:You know going to a comedy club.
Guest:Yeah chicks would always talk to me after the show so Voss goes I'm bringing you on the road just to get pussy from you
Guest:But it was funny because I go up there and bomb.
Guest:I always had like eight minutes and it was filthy and it was disgusting and they hated me.
Guest:And then after the show, like all the girls would be talking to me.
Guest:And boss would come over and goes, did you see his set?
Guest:He goes, I just killed up there for an hour.
Guest:Did you watch what he did up there?
It was so funny.
Marc:Did you guys ever get into trouble out there?
Guest:Not really.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Not really.
Marc:Because you're pretty nice guys.
Marc:I mean, even Norton at his worst is like, you know, he's very endearing.
Guest:Well, I don't know if you know, it's a famous story he wrote in his book.
Guest:What?
Guest:The first time we took him on a road gig to like Connecticut, to like Hartford on a Tuesday night.
Guest:uh norton he meets this girl after the show i just bought a brand new car i leased it you know i had no money so i so he talks to this girl after the show the girl wasn't interested but she was being nice so he sits with her he actually got her phone number so he's all excited oh my god i'm gonna call this girl eventually i'm you know like she wanted nothing to do with you but she was being nice so we're driving home on like 684 in connecticut right and i'm in the front and bob levy was actually with it he was headlining that time the reverend bob levy yeah
Guest:So we're in the front just talking.
Guest:I hear this noise in the back, my backseat.
Guest:And I turn around.
Guest:I turn the light on.
Guest:And Norton is jerking off in my backseat, just sitting and stroking.
Guest:And I go, dude, what are you doing?
Guest:He doesn't even stop as I'm talking to him.
Guest:He goes, I can't help it, man.
Guest:I'm so horny with that girl talking to me.
Guest:I can't wait till I get home.
Guest:I go, dude, I just bought this car.
Guest:You can't do that.
Guest:And he goes, no, I got a T-shirt.
Guest:Don't worry.
Guest:It's not going to get on anything.
Guest:He was holding a T-shirt in case it went anywhere.
Guest:I go, dude, you got to stop.
Guest:He's like, I can't.
Guest:And he still has some argument.
Guest:I pulled over.
Guest:I go, dude, seriously, you got to pull your pants up.
Guest:And he did.
Guest:He didn't talk to me the rest of the way like it was my fault.
Guest:He couldn't even wait to get home.
Guest:It was only an hour away.
Guest:Oh, my God.
Guest:That is so fucking beautiful.
Guest:That's one of the best examples of sex addiction I've ever heard in my life.
Guest:No, he couldn't even wait to get home.
Guest:And then he put it on you.
Guest:Yeah, he's like, I got a T-shirt.
Guest:It's not going to get on anything.
Marc:Just watch the road.
Marc:I'm going to finish.
Marc:Oh, my God.
Marc:So how does it unfold for you, though?
Marc:I mean, I know that it's a battle for all of us, but what have you been doing?
Guest:You know, I got this gig on Crank Anchors, that show on Comedy Central.
Guest:Oh, that's right.
Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest:You know, with the prank phone calls.
Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest:And it was weird because I was just basically, you know, just doing B and C rooms.
Guest:Right.
Guest:And I would sit at home and I would wait for telemarketers to call because I had nothing going on.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:You know, I didn't have a show until like 11 o'clock at night at the cellar.
Guest:And I would keep a telemarketer on the phone for like an hour.
Guest:I'm like, let me see what I could do.
Guest:And my friend, Don Jamison, he's like, dude, he goes, put me in on three-way.
Guest:I wanna hear this.
Guest:He's like, you're onto something.
Guest:This shit is funny.
Guest:I'm like, really?
Guest:I only thought it was funny.
Guest:I was just amusing myself.
Guest:So I just recorded a bunch of calls and I put a CD out of them.
Guest:I said, I'll just sell it after my shows.
Guest:What the hell?
Guest:Get my name out there.
Guest:And he brought it into the Stern Show, Howard Stern Show, because he knew one of the producers there, Gary Dellabatti.
Guest:And he goes, hey, if it's funny, we'll play it on the air.
Guest:And the next day, Stern started playing that.
Guest:And he's like, who is this guy?
Guest:This guy's funny.
Guest:And then Jackie the Joke Man leaves the Stern Show.
Guest:And then they start having unknown comics sit in on the show.
Guest:And that never happened before.
Guest:So Artie Lang, Doug Stanhope, Fitzsimmons, me, Craig Gass, Chappelle.
Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest:Only because of those goofy calls.
Guest:They go, yeah, we'll have this guy sit in.
Guest:And Stern took a liking to me.
Guest:Yeah, yeah.
Guest:And then like two weeks later, Kimmel and Carolla were looking for guys to do prank calls because they're doing this new show for Comedy Central.
Guest:And they go, who is that guy that does those calls?
Guest:And I got that gig just like that.
Guest:That's a good story.
Guest:It was insane.
Guest:And you still do Stern?
Guest:Yeah, I do it once in a while.
Marc:I don't have any relationship with him at all.
Marc:I never was on the show.
Marc:I guess because I didn't grow up with him, I don't listen to him that much.
Marc:But he's a nice guy.
Guest:He's a great guy.
Guest:He basically made my career.
Guest:If it wasn't for him, I don't know what I would be doing.
Marc:A lot of comics go on there.
Guest:He's huge.
Guest:Yeah, yeah.
Guest:I remember I was doing the Funny Bone in Pittsburgh.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Remember that shitty gig?
Guest:Uh-huh.
Guest:So I would get like 500 bucks.
Marc:What was the name of the guy?
Guest:Jeff Schneider.
Guest:Okay, yeah.
Guest:So 500 bucks to feature.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:You know, shitty condo, whatever.
Guest:And then I'm doing a Stern show for two days and my agent calls and goes, hey, let Jim headline Pittsburgh.
Guest:He's going on Stern to plug because Stern was on in Pittsburgh.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:He goes, give him $1,200.
Guest:I'm not giving him $1,200.
Guest:He doesn't have 45 minutes.
Guest:And I had 45.
Guest:So he goes, all right, give him $1,200.
Guest:If he sells out a show, he gets $1,000 bonus a show.
Guest:He goes, all right, no problem.
Guest:I went on and plugged the two days I sold out five shows.
Guest:Five shows.
Guest:He was so pissed at a frigging club owner, even though his club was packed, that he had to pay me like $6,200 compared to $500.
Marc:Oh, so he said do it for $500, but if he sells out $1,000 bonus on each show.
Guest:Each show.
Guest:He gave me $1,200.
Guest:Yeah, and five shows.
Marc:That's a beautiful victory.
Guest:It was beautiful.
Marc:Oh, fuck him.
Marc:I love that.
Marc:That was great.
Marc:Because he was like, he's never going to.
Guest:Yeah, because he's a feature.
Guest:He does 25 minutes.
Guest:Nobody gives a shit.
Guest:That was a good play.
Guest:You still with that manager?
Guest:I love that.
Guest:No, not anymore.
Guest:Oh, yeah.
Guest:But you know what?
Guest:I got to thank you because you're the one a few years ago you contacted me because some booker in Phoenix fucked you over a gig and I was doing it.
Guest:That's right.
Marc:That's right.
Marc:I remember that.
Guest:And I was doing the gig in a few weeks and you go, Jim, the guy didn't pay me so don't show up.
Guest:You better make sure you get your money up front.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:And I already had half of the money.
Guest:My agent goes, mail me half when I got the gig booked.
Guest:Right.
Guest:So I already had a deposit in the bank and everything.
Guest:And then we found out.
Guest:Luckily, you tipped me off on that.
Guest:And I never showed up for the gig and I kept half the money.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Because he's saying, I'm going to wire it.
Guest:I'm going to pay Mark.
Guest:I paid him.
Guest:I can't find his address.
Guest:Like he was making up all his shit.
Marc:Well, he crept out.
Marc:You know, it was like it was a sad situation.
Marc:Because that guy, it was one of those situations where he was kind of a comic, and he had this big room, and he thought it was a no-brainer to fucking just pull people there.
Marc:And I wasn't a big pull, and he made this guarantee.
Marc:And it wasn't even so much like, I could have taken the hit if he just made it right.
Marc:But then you get there, and he's like, he's got us at a hotel that his friend who worked at the hotel looked like was stealing the room.
Marc:Like we couldn't put our name on the room.
Marc:So the whole thing was kind of weird from the beginning.
Marc:And then I didn't pull any people.
Marc:And then he didn't have any money at all.
Marc:And even for travel.
Marc:And I was like, fuck it.
Marc:Fuck it.
Marc:And I just wanted to call you because I was like, no way.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And I didn't show up.
Guest:Did you ever hear from the guy?
Guest:Well, he said he was going to sue me because he wanted his half his deposit back.
Guest:So I didn't get on the plane.
Guest:And he never heard from, so I kept half the money.
Guest:I should give you half, half of what I got.
Guest:And I didn't have to go to Phoenix for the weekend.
Guest:I'm like, it's beautiful.
Guest:I stayed home.
Guest:That poor guy, boy, he probably hates my fucking guts.
Guest:No, but you did the right thing, and it was great.
Guest:And that's what's great about the internet and social.
Guest:If someone fucks you over before, you just have to be a word of mouth thing.
Guest:Don't go to that guy.
Marc:Yeah, I saw the people were on the schedule, and I just wanted to give everyone a heads up because he just wasn't legit.
Marc:He wasn't a bad guy.
Marc:He just had a big idea.
Marc:He looked at this big empty room that he had access to.
Marc:It was an old movie theater.
Marc:Right.
Marc:And he was like, this is a no-brainer.
Marc:I'm just going to bring these guys out, and fucking cash will roll in.
Marc:I'll sell out 500, 600 seats.
Marc:And I don't know what you could pull in Phoenix.
Marc:I couldn't pull there.
Guest:No, I couldn't either.
Guest:I was like, I'll take the guarantee.
Guest:All right, no problem.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Right.
Guest:Because, you know, the improv was going to cock block you from getting on radio.
Guest:Right.
Guest:That's what they do in those big markets.
Guest:You can't get on, yeah.
Guest:You do a secondary room.
Guest:They go, look, we're paying $1,500 a week to advertise on the two big rock stations.
Guest:You can't have the competition on.
Guest:They're not buying any ads.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:So even though you have a good relationship with the DJs in that market, they won't have you on.
Yeah.
Marc:You know what, dude?
Marc:Club politics and that kind of bullshit, it drives me nuts.
Marc:I barely work improvs.
Marc:I just don't feel like I owe them anything.
Guest:Right.
Guest:No, absolutely.
Guest:Do you?
Guest:No.
Guest:Believe me, I've battled over the years with the improvs.
Guest:Really?
Guest:About what?
Guest:Well, all right, this is a famous story.
Guest:So they opened the Houston Improv, right?
Guest:It's like a 500-seat room.
Marc:Why do they do that?
Guest:Yeah, this is like eight years ago.
Marc:You know why they do that, though, don't you?
Marc:Because that means if they get guys, if they've got a handful of dudes that can sell out and make that kind of money, great.
Marc:But most of us can't.
Marc:So what they do is they sell some tickets and they just give away all of them for the drink minimum.
Marc:Right.
Marc:So we're playing for people that don't give a fuck.
Guest:Right, so there's 100 of your fans in there, and then 300 that care less, get free tickets.
Guest:So when it opens, the Improv in Dallas, I was friends with the owner there, and he was partners in that room.
Guest:And he goes, yeah, we're opening this room.
Guest:And I was doing the old, what is it, Comedy Stop?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I was doing that room in Houston.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I remember that room.
Guest:That was a great room.
Marc:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Marc:Mark Babbitt.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:So he goes, don't worry, Jim.
Guest:He goes, look, I'm nothing against you, but you can fill that room, so you could just do the other room in Houston.
Guest:It won't be a problem.
Guest:I said, okay, perfect.
Guest:So I do that four or five times, that room, getting a nice following in Houston.
Guest:Improv calls.
Guest:My agent goes, look, we want Jim at the Houston Improv because they knew I was doing numbers over there.
Guest:So I go, I can't do that to the guy.
Guest:I've been there five times.
Guest:And they go, look, if Jim doesn't do the Houston Improv, he's not getting the 15 other Improvs this year.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:So I was like, and I really sat on it.
Guest:I go, you know what?
Guest:Too bad.
Guest:I go, I can't ruin that relationship over there.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And this is bullshit what they're doing.
Guest:I said, so you know what?
Guest:I'm going to just do secondary rooms in the markets.
Guest:Forget the improv.
Guest:Right.
Guest:So the next day, my agent tells him, and Geraldo was on my roster.
Guest:He was with my agent too.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:So they said, we're going to pull Geraldo's dates if Jim doesn't do that.
Marc:What is that fucking mafia shit?
Guest:So I had to call Babbitt or whatever, and I say, look, dude, this is what they're doing.
Guest:He goes, don't worry.
Guest:Just go over there.
Guest:I understand they're being dicks.
Marc:Was it Babbitt or the new guy?
Guest:It was another guy, Pete.
Guest:It was actually Pete.
Guest:So I go over there.
Guest:I don't fill the room.
Guest:There's 130 people a show.
Guest:And they never had me back at the Houston Improv, and Pete never had me back over there.
Guest:So I haven't played Houston in eight years.
Marc:God.
Marc:God damn it, man.
Marc:It's like, I have, how do we ever talk about this?
Marc:You know, I do a little bit, but I try to be diplomatic, but there gets a certain point is the great thing about what's happening in the business now is like, quite honestly, if you really think about your career, this is my thoughts on it.
Marc:Are you there?
Marc:They think they're a monopoly, but they're not.
Marc:So they've got it.
Marc:They think they have us over a barrel, but they don't because I don't know anybody that really likes those rooms, you know?
Marc:And then like all of a sudden, you know, when you get a little success, they're like, all right, why don't you come?
Marc:Like, what, why do I owe you anything?
Marc:What do you think?
Marc:I can play anywhere.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:I can play a place where I could take 80% of the door that has 300 seats and fill it with people that like me.
Marc:Why do I owe you anything?
Marc:That's what kills me.
Guest:No, I know.
Guest:Stanhope really set the path and Posehn and Patton doing all the rock clubs and stuff like that.
Guest:So I've been doing that a lot in areas.
Guest:And that working out.
Guest:Yeah, getting like 200, 300 people just doing one show.
Guest:Why not?
Guest:Absolutely.
Guest:Instead of being there for five days.
Marc:I still like doing clubs.
Marc:I'm surprised there are certain areas where you don't know where the hell you can draw and where you can't.
Guest:I know.
Guest:It's a bizarre thing.
Guest:And like I said, you can't get any press.
Guest:Very rarely can you do it by doing the rock clubs because the improvs do and the funny, you know, whatever big clubs in the area block that.
Marc:But if you've got a good Twitter following and you've got, you know, your people, they're sort of, yeah, but it kind of sucks that you can't do, like I always forget about that.
Marc:You know, when you don't like, when you don't have radio, like why don't I have radio?
Marc:Because they're, they're owned.
Yeah.
Marc:You know, they're not going to go where their bread isn't buttered or whatever.
Guest:No, they won't.
Guest:They don't care.
Guest:It's all business to them.
Guest:And then, you know, yeah, you bitch when you don't have radio, but then when you have it, you're like, oh, I got to get out.
Marc:Yeah, yeah, how many?
Marc:There's some clubs where you do five or six, and you're like, are you kidding me?
Guest:I was just in Knoxville last week.
Guest:I did three in the morning and two in the afternoon.
Guest:I said, oh.
Marc:That whole day's fun.
Guest:Yeah, I had an hour and a half in between to try to take a nap.
Guest:How was that in Knoxville, Tennessee?
Guest:It's a great room.
Guest:There's a place called SideSplitters.
Guest:I heard about that.
Guest:It's a great room.
Guest:Yeah?
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:I don't think I've been to... Have I been to Tennessee?
Marc:I was just in North Carolina.
Marc:That place, good nights.
Marc:It's a good place.
Marc:Yeah, I did want that back in the day.
Marc:Yeah, me too.
Marc:I hadn't been there in 15 years.
Marc:Yeah, that's a good room.
Marc:it's like the same like the room I didn't remember being as good a comedy room as it is but it comes right back at you man I mean it's like a great room and he's like I don't know he rebuilt it a little bit it's nice it's fun down there you know what it seems like it seems like the B rooms in the area are the better rooms now like there's a place called the funny stop in
Guest:in Cuyahoga Falls which is right outside of Akron Ohio yeah and that room they pay pay like ten dollars on a Friday night right 12 on Saturday tickets for tickets and they don't pay for the room and it's you know it's a bit but it's a great old school room well that's why I'd rather play independently owned comedy clubs where you know yeah that's a guy that owns it and you know he's he's invested here because when you go to the corporate comedy clubs like no one gives a fuck
Marc:They don't care who they run through, and it almost feels like it has an effect on the audience.
Marc:You're sitting there doing your best shit, and it's like, how is that not getting anything, and there's 300 people in here?
Marc:Because they don't give a fuck.
Marc:They don't know who you are.
Guest:They don't care.
Marc:It's just another ride at the park.
Guest:They don't care.
Guest:They gave free tickets.
Guest:Hey, two drink minimum, $7 a beer.
Guest:That's $14.
Guest:And if they get mozzarella sticks, that's $21 times two.
Guest:That's a minimum of $42 they got for the two people that got it for free.
Guest:Hey, no problem.
Guest:That's paying the bills.
Guest:It doesn't matter who you are.
Guest:And then those people don't like the show.
Guest:They fill out the comment card.
Guest:Headliner sucked.
Guest:Yeah, because they got the bill.
Guest:They go, why are we paying?
Guest:We got free tickets and we got to pay?
Marc:We don't even know the name of the headliner.
Marc:The guy, he's terrible.
Marc:So where did you grow?
Marc:What part of Jersey?
Marc:Central Jersey, like Old Bridge.
Marc:And what kind of world was that?
Marc:I mean, what kind of family you come from?
Marc:What does your old man do?
Marc:Seven kids, Catholic.
Marc:Really?
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:Oh, my God.
Guest:Yeah, it was brutal.
Guest:Where were you in the lineup?
Guest:I was right in the middle.
Marc:Oh, God.
Marc:Well, that's probably not a bad place to be.
Guest:Four boys, three girls.
Guest:Yeah, I think it was pretty good.
Guest:So you were brought up full-on Catholic?
Guest:Full-on Catholic.
Guest:Catholic school's my whole life.
Guest:Really?
Guest:Yeah, complete.
Guest:No jail time?
Guest:No, no jail.
Guest:Believe me, the shit I got away with, I'd still be in jail right now.
Guest:The stuff that I did that I, you know.
Guest:When you were in high school?
Guest:High school, grades, everything.
Guest:Really?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I remember one day, like, fourth grade, I hated being in Catholic school because all my friends were in public school.
Guest:Right.
Guest:I wanted to be with them.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And, you know, that was the whole thing.
Guest:It's a better education.
Guest:Right, right.
Guest:Meanwhile, the priest is teaching me math.
Guest:Like, what the fuck does he know about math?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:you know he isn't yeah x is god yeah yeah if i if i grab your balls how many how many balls do i hold if i uh two okay so we're learning math yeah um so sixth grade they make an announcement in the morning go hey discount the school we just bought these new wrestling mats that cost us a lot of money so please take care of them yeah we spent so what do i do later that day i cut them up with razor blades just that it's split them all up
Marc:Yeah, and then you just kept your mouth shut?
Guest:Well, yeah, well, they narrowed it down to our class, and there was three kids in our class, three bad kids, me and two other guys.
Guest:So we were in the office for the last three months, and the nuns and the priests would just smack us in the face and punch us in the head.
Guest:We know you did it.
Guest:Say you did it.
Guest:I didn't do it.
Guest:Well, you're not going back to class.
Guest:I'm like, oh, I'll just sit here.
Guest:Did the other guys know you did it?
Guest:No, and no one knew I did it.
Guest:Beautiful.
Guest:So I just never admitted it.
Guest:My parents made me swear on a Bible.
Guest:They took me to a priest.
Guest:They go, we need to swear on a Bible.
Guest:And I swore.
Guest:I put my hand on a Bible and swore on it.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:So then I was in the clear with my parents.
Guest:Oh, good.
Guest:They go, if he swore on a Bible, so then they were fighting with them.
Guest:He wouldn't do that.
Yeah.
Guest:I just broke it to my mom like three years ago.
Guest:She was so pissed, and that was like 30 years ago.
Guest:Really?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:She's like, I can't believe you did that.
Guest:You swore on the Bible.
Guest:Yeah, I go, I went to confession.
Guest:I'm even.
Guest:Did you go right after?
Guest:No, I didn't.
Guest:No, I just, you know.
Guest:You never went to confession?
Guest:You did eventually?
Guest:I did, yeah.
Marc:So when you swore on the Bible, was there any thought then at that moment, like, I'm going to hell for gym mats?
Guest:I didn't even care.
Guest:I'm like, I just want my parents off my back.
Yeah.
Guest:And then they threw me out of the school at the end of the year, so then I went to public school for a couple years.
Marc:Oh, that's good.
Marc:Then it served its purpose.
Guest:But even in high school, I moved to Florida for a couple years to the priest.
Guest:You were a Florida guy?
Guest:Yeah, Florida guy.
Guest:I lived in for like two years.
Guest:When?
Guest:As a kid?
Guest:Yeah, my dad was a CEO at Dun & Bradstreet.
Guest:for like 25 years.
Guest:What is that?
Guest:Chief financial officer.
Marc:But what is done in Bradstreet?
Guest:It was like a big firm in New York, like a big financial firm.
Guest:Oh, okay, okay, yeah.
Guest:So he was making like 100 grand a year in the 70s.
Guest:Right.
Guest:He was a really smart guy and he had this dream.
Guest:He's like, I want to get a bunch of hot dog trucks, like those food trucks that go to construction sites.
Guest:And I want to open my business.
Guest:I think that's going to be great.
Guest:So he bought like a truck route of hot dog trucks down in Florida.
Guest:that was his big plan that was his big plan so he left the job making like 100 g's a year in the late 70s went down there to open this thing and it completely bombed within like a year he was completely broke he brought a fleet of trucks that was his dream old shitty trucks like it's gonna make me a million dollar dream yeah yeah he's like the whole family's gonna cook the food in the morning you know the chili and all this stuff and
Marc:So was he like manic about it?
Marc:Like, so he had all you guys up and work.
Guest:All had to move down there.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Well, I was going to school, but yeah, we work and my older brothers were out of high school.
Guest:So they were working the trucks.
Guest:They were driving them and other people and they would just, and it completely flopped.
Marc:Well, what happened?
Marc:Was it like he didn't have the connections necessary?
Guest:It just wasn't that big of a moneymaker and the trucks were like, you know, 30 years old.
Guest:So they're constantly breaking down.
Guest:so he had to get these licenses to like you know sell food to sell hot food and like and oh my god it was a disaster the whole family was like you you just were your life was full of hot dogs and chili and yeah and we were great we lived in jersey we had a nice house you know like we were upper class like middle class oh but it was great we lived we all had friends and my dad had this dream he's like we're going to florida the hot dog truck dream the hot dog truck and i
Guest:So within a year, he was broke.
Guest:What happened then?
Guest:We moved back within like two and a half years.
Guest:And did he get his old job back?
Guest:No, he didn't get his old job back.
Guest:That was the end of your dad's run?
Guest:He went from working that $100,000 a year job to working at like budget rent-a-car answering phones down in Florida for like $12 an hour.
Guest:Because he couldn't find work.
Guest:He was so overqualified for work.
Guest:And then when you moved back to Jersey?
Guest:Then he started getting back into real estate with my brother, so he kind of picked up, and he did okay after that, but still.
Marc:Oh, the arc of the... It's so weird when you have a father who's got a dream.
Marc:And it's even worse when they commit to it.
Marc:It's one thing if they're just speculating, like, I ought to do this.
Marc:But once it's engaged and there are trucks involved and you just all sit there and watch the thing crumble, it's so fucking horrendous.
Guest:Oh, it was brutal because as soon as I was done with school, I had to clean the trucks.
Guest:I had to make chili for the next day.
Guest:It was just like 10 o'clock at night.
Guest:I'm like, what am I doing?
Guest:I don't know how to cook.
Guest:I don't want to do it.
Guest:I'm a kid.
Guest:I'm 16 years old.
Guest:I don't want to do this shit.
Marc:Did your dad ever, like, did he ever, like, recover?
Marc:Was he all right?
Guest:He was all right, yeah.
Guest:He took it on the chin for a while.
Guest:And what did the rest of your family end up doing?
Guest:In the real estate and stuff like that.
Guest:Oh, yeah?
Guest:Yeah, two of my older brothers.
Guest:Yeah?
Guest:Well, they built up this huge, you know, buying a bunch of shit, made a lot of money, and then the real estate market crashed, like, in the mid-'80s or something like that, and they lost everything.
Guest:My father lost everything again.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:We were renting a house.
Guest:I was paying most of the rent.
Marc:Were I doing comedy?
Guest:Well, I was working during the day, too.
Guest:I had a job during the day, and I would do a comedy at night.
Guest:What were you doing?
Guest:Well, I was landscaping at one point, and then I was working the fuel tanks at the airports, like at JFK and Newark.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:This guy would fix them, like the gauges and all that stuff, and I was just a helper.
Guest:I would just hold the screwdriver.
Guest:He was paying me like 15 bucks an hour off the books.
Marc:What a weird job.
Guest:I know, but he was a friend of mine.
Guest:He's like, you want to?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:He'd get up at like, we worked from like 6.30 to 2.30.
Guest:I was home at 2.30 in the afternoon.
Marc:And you go out to the airport?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And as soon as he picked me up, I started my day working.
Guest:So we had to be back by 2.30.
Guest:Right.
Guest:Making 15 an hour.
Guest:And he was paying my health insurance too.
Marc:That's fucking sweet.
Guest:I know.
Guest:He's a good dude.
Guest:But then when I started doing comedy, I was like, this is what I want to do.
Guest:I got to get out of this.
Guest:And I told him, I said, look, I, you know, so I went from making, you know, 600 bucks a week cash to, you know, maybe 100 bucks.
Marc:But I always think it's weird when you kind of have a weird job like that.
Marc:Where does that come from?
Marc:You're just going to drive out to the airport, and he's going to look at dials, and you're going to stand there and go, all right.
Guest:That's it.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And he'll go, I got a meeting in there.
Guest:I'll go, I'll just wait in the van.
Guest:I would just sleep in the van.
Guest:I'd be out because I was hungover.
Guest:I'd go out drinking with my friends and be up at 630.
Guest:So when was the first comedy gig, though?
Guest:I mean, what drove you to it?
Guest:Dice?
Guest:Yeah, I saw Dice, you know, do his seven minutes on Dangerfield.
Marc:Oh, God, right.
Guest:That special was just, I mean, everybody on there, you even look back at that, I saw that and I was like, holy shit, that's what I want to do.
Guest:You know, and I saw Candace in a bunch of times, but it took me still another like year and a half to actually get the balls to get up on stage.
Marc:I just watched part of Dice.
Marc:He was in here.
Marc:Dice was.
Marc:But I just watched part of his newest Showtime special.
Marc:And his persistence, it eventually get you.
Marc:You know what I mean?
Marc:Even if the jokes are straight up Dice jokes.
Marc:Right.
Marc:But there's a while there.
Marc:And this is a question I always have with you guys.
Marc:It's like there's a point with Dice where you're like, well, this is really fucking wrong-minded.
Right.
Marc:But then, like, you know, he takes it to such a level where you're like, all right, all right, so we're in this world.
Marc:It's not like he's doing it out of contempt or anything else.
Marc:That's just the style of it.
Marc:And I think that people misunderstand that sometimes.
Guest:I mean, do you ever get flack for shit?
Guest:Right.
Guest:I started off dirty.
Guest:I'm not really that dirty anymore.
Guest:I'm more edgy, but I just got away from it.
Marc:What do you think the difference is?
Guest:You mean just filthy versus pushing buttons?
Guest:Yeah, filthy versus just being filthy.
Guest:Norton did this show on HBO called Down and Dirty three years ago, and I got picked to do the show, and they were like, dude, you've got to come up with dirtier jokes.
Guest:They're like, you're not dirty enough.
Guest:I'm like, well, I don't really have any dirt.
Guest:Like I have, you know, and they're like, well, come up more.
Guest:So I was like in the clubs for like three weeks coming up with like, you know, you know, ass eating bit.
Guest:I'm like, I gotta, I gotta throw this in there.
Guest:I can't do Norton show unless I eat ass.
Guest:I know.
Guest:I go, I'd rather do this.
Guest:They're like, no, that's not dirty enough.
Marc:You know, you're on a fucking dirty show when they're like, we need your angle on ass eating.
Marc:Like Bobby Kelly's got his angle.
Marc:I got my angle.
Guest:What's your ass eating angle?
Guest:I know.
Guest:I know, I'm like, I asked Norton, I go, do you do ass eating jokes?
Guest:He's like, nah, all right, good, so I won't touch on your jokes.
Guest:But I remember I was trying to get a set for the Tonight Show.
Guest:I got approved to do the Tonight Show at the same time.
Guest:So I'm going in clubs in New York and I'm doing five minutes of clean and then five minutes of that.
Guest:So I would just, I'd tell the audience when I go up there, go, all right, this is what's going on.
Guest:I would warn them because my first five was all like silly, just funny, clever jokes.
Guest:And then the next was just complete, disgusting filth.
Guest:So I'd have to warn them because at first I didn't, they're like,
Guest:Whoa, whoa.
Guest:What happened?
Guest:Why are we here?
Guest:Like Jekyll and Hyde.
Guest:Did you do the Tonight Show?
Guest:I never did.
Guest:They always, you know.
Guest:They've jerked you around?
Guest:Yeah, yeah.
Guest:I mean, they liked me there, but it was just like, we need to switch this one and switch that.
Guest:I was just like, ah, I forgot.
Guest:Oh, God.
Guest:Fucking horrendous.
Guest:I've never done that show.
Guest:I never, I don't know.
Guest:I would love to, I mean, but, you know.
Guest:Have you done Letterman or anything?
Guest:I've done Kimmel.
Guest:I've done Kimmel four times.
Guest:He's a good guy, man.
Guest:Kimmel's a great guy, man.
Marc:He's like, he's a big winner in this whole weird thing.
Guest:I know.
Marc:He's minded his own business.
Marc:Exactly.
Marc:He's just fucking focused on his shit.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:He's a good guy, too.
Guest:Good guy.
Guest:He's a great dude.
Guest:You know, because I, you know, he was the one that basically plucked me out of obscurity with the Crank Anger show, so I've been friends with him since.
Marc:Yeah, yeah.
Guest:I did George Lopez's show a couple times when he was on.
Guest:What's his face?
Guest:What's the guy that retired?
Guest:The Late Late Show.
Guest:Craig Kilbourne.
Guest:He took a liking to me.
Guest:So I did his show like three times.
Guest:He's like, dude, I want you like once every six weeks.
Guest:What happened to that fucking guy?
Guest:And then he quits.
Guest:And I'm like, I haven't been on since.
Guest:I don't know.
Guest:He wanted to write sitcoms.
Guest:He wanted to be an actor too.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I don't even know what he's done since.
Marc:He showed up in a movie here and there and then that was that.
Marc:He would have had that gig for life.
Marc:I know.
Marc:Everyone used to say that, too.
Marc:He was sort of cut out for it.
Guest:Yeah, all those guys.
Guest:I mean, Carson Daly.
Guest:I love Carson.
Guest:But his show will be on for the next 30 years.
Guest:And people are like, oh, yeah, is his show still on?
Marc:I don't know if I love Carson Daly.
Marc:I get it that he seems efficient at that hour.
Marc:He's sort of there and he seems friendly enough.
Marc:But it's hard to decipher a specific personality with Carson Daly.
Marc:Right.
Marc:I'm not trying to drag you into saying anything.
Marc:No, not about him.
Marc:But I just, I don't know what he does.
Marc:He just seems to fit on television and he stays there.
Guest:But all those late night guys, like you could be there forever.
Guest:You know what I mean?
Guest:You got that gig forever.
Guest:Just get 1.2 share or whatever like that.
Guest:Yeah, hang out.
Guest:You know, they were saying Kimmel, even like his rating was like a 1.5 or whatever it was.
Guest:Right.
Guest:He was bringing in over $100 million a year in advertising his show.
Guest:This was like five years ago.
Guest:Like just a hidden seat, how much this guy's making and just, you know, being there and just doing a show every night.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:So do you have like an end game for where you're at now?
Guest:I work on this show on VH1 Classical, That Metal Show.
Marc:Oh, you do?
Guest:It's a talk show.
Guest:It's basically like the Tonight Show for ACDC fans.
Guest:You host it?
Guest:Yeah, me and two other guys host it.
Marc:I should know that.
Marc:If I did my research, I would know that.
Marc:I fucking love ACDC, man.
Marc:You know what I'm just getting into now?
Marc:Because I'm always late to the game.
Marc:But ACDC, I listen to them still.
Marc:Like the first six.
Marc:All the Bon Scott stuff.
Marc:And maybe one Brian Johnson one.
Marc:I listen to Back in Black.
Marc:But I don't listen much after that.
Marc:I don't know why.
Guest:The last one they put out like two years ago, Black Ice.
Guest:It's a great record.
Marc:I did buy that.
Marc:And I like that record.
Guest:It's a good one.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:Who are the other metal guys?
Guest:Who do you like?
Guest:Yeah, we interviewed guys from Black Sabbath.
Guest:You love those guys?
Guest:Black Sabbath is probably my favorite band.
Guest:Really?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I got some of that on vinyl.
Guest:I started listening to vinyl.
Guest:I love vinyl.
Guest:It's amazing, isn't it?
Guest:It's a sound in it.
Guest:It's not even close, too.
Marc:But I just started listening to Tool.
Guest:Phenomenal.
Marc:Yeah, that guy's sort of a genius, isn't he?
Guest:Yeah, and he's got three bands.
Guest:He's got his own winery.
Marc:Right, he's got Tool, Perfect Circle.
Marc:Perfect Circle and Pusify.
Marc:Is it Pusify or Pucifer?
Guest:Something.
Marc:Pusifer.
Guest:Something like that.
Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest:So he's working on that now.
Guest:Have you interviewed that guy?
Guest:No, we haven't.
Guest:Maynard?
Guest:He's impossible to get to.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:We'd love to have him on.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Yeah, but he's just, you know.
Marc:He's making wine.
Guest:Yeah, and if they don't have anything to promote, they don't want to come on.
Marc:Yeah, musicians are tricky.
Marc:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest:We've had Tom Morello on from Rage Against the Machine.
Marc:He talks a lot.
Guest:Love him.
Marc:So how many shows do you do a week talking to metal guys?
Guest:Well, we've done 11 seasons, which, you know, only about 10 episodes a season.
Guest:So that's your gig.
Guest:So we're at about 110 episodes since 2008.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And that's your job.
Guest:Yeah, I mean, we do it like a month out of the year.
Guest:We do about 25 episodes a year.
Guest:Oh, that's great.
Marc:And they pay you pretty good?
Guest:No.
Guest:I mean, you know, come on.
Guest:It's MTV.
Guest:It's VHV.
Guest:Yeah, it's Viacom, so it's in that whole world.
Guest:But it helps my draw on the road.
Guest:Right, right.
Guest:I got a bunch of guys in Iron Maiden shirts sitting right in the front.
Guest:Dude, what's up?
Marc:You don't have a hard time talking to those people?
Guest:Well, no, because I can relate to them, but when I'm doing my stand-up, I do, because they're like, how could you pick Judas Priest over Maiden?
Guest:They're yelling it out like a minute into my set.
Guest:We'll talk about this afterwards.
Guest:Yeah, but Maiden, come on, dude.
Marc:So you deal with most of your audience as dudes.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Angry dudes.
Yeah.
Marc:A lot.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:I always wonder about that, because, like, you know, when I look at like and I love, you know, Norton, I love these guys.
Marc:But like the thought of going on in front of their audience, you know, I feel like I'd be devoured.
Marc:You know, I'd have to put up the book in because I'm like, you know, I'm not like an alpha guy.
Marc:Fuck everything kind of guy, really.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:You know, but there's like certain they're frightening.
Guest:no it is i you know the stern audiences too because i used to open for already lying right so do those shows and then you know the opian anthony one said yeah those fans are animals but i also open for bands like i did this metallica festival how'd that go last summer it was amazing they loved it yeah i mean it was 30 000 people at the festival there was a smaller tent where they had comedy yeah and it was about 6 000 people watching and they were amazing
Marc:That must be a fucking rush, 30,000 people.
Marc:I can't remember.
Guest:I opened for Slayer, Megadeth, and Anthrax.
Guest:I did a tour with them for six weeks doing arenas.
Guest:And they listened?
Guest:Well, what happened was I had to do three five-minute sets in between each band.
Guest:I was the Jägermeister hired me to be the host and MC, so I'd give away some shit, and then I had to do like three and a half minutes of material, a minute and a half announcement.
Guest:So the first set that was great, there was like 6,000 people in the venue.
Guest:I could have done like a special.
Guest:Sure.
Guest:Sure, sure.
Guest:They were amazing.
Marc:Because no one had come yet.
Guest:Yeah, but a second set, they're like, all right, now the venue's got like 12,000.
Guest:Like, who is this?
Guest:They kind of know me from the show.
Marc:Why isn't there music going on?
Guest:Yeah, they're like, what is going on?
Guest:Come on.
Guest:And then by the third set, Slayer, because the Slayer fans are like insane.
Guest:They were like, all right, enough.
Guest:All right, enough with your jokes.
Guest:We get it.
Guest:You're a comedian.
Guest:Just bring the band on.
Guest:Because they get mad because they think I'm taking time away from the band.
Guest:I'm that same guy.
Guest:When the local DJ goes up, I'm like, shut the fuck up.
Guest:Ozzy could play another song or whatever.
Guest:I'm like, I don't want to hear your shit.
Guest:I don't care about your station.
Guest:So I picture myself being that guy.
Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest:And it was tough.
Guest:I mean, they were throwing shit at me.
Guest:Right.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I was like Dane Cook up there.
Guest:I was running back and forth.
Guest:I usually just stand there.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Trying to get the attention.
Guest:Just trying to focus.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:So they couldn't hit me with stuff because it was beers coming at me and stuff.
Marc:It's a fucking horrible feeling when you're not connecting at all.
Guest:No.
Marc:You're just scrambling up there and you feel that horrible sweat.
Guest:You know what?
Guest:Fuck.
Guest:No, and some guy punched me in the head after the show.
Guest:What are you talking about?
Guest:I was at the merch table because I made up these t-shirts.
Guest:I figured if I'm going to play in front of these people, maybe I could sell some t-shirts after the show at the merch table.
Guest:What the hell?
Guest:But when I got there, I found out that the headlining band, you can't sell any t-shirts less than them.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:So Slayer's selling their shirts for $35.
Guest:Right.
Guest:So I made these shirts.
Guest:It's just my name on it with like a couple of skulls.
Guest:I got like a thousand of them made.
Guest:I got them shipped across the country during the tour bus.
Guest:I sold three t-shirts.
Guest:Fuck.
Guest:Three, and I performed in front of like 236,000 people.
Guest:Oh, God damn it.
Guest:Three T-shirts.
Guest:So what are you doing with those shirts now?
Guest:I still have them.
Guest:I'm like, they're in my garage.
Marc:Oh, those fucking big ideas.
Marc:I remember when I first put out my first CD and I had to press them and everything.
Marc:Right.
Marc:And I didn't want to go for a jewel box because it was too expensive, so I just got the cardboard envelope kind.
Marc:I did some shitty cover art.
Marc:I still have those.
Marc:You still have them.
Marc:Oh, fuck.
Marc:There's probably about a thousand of them I still have.
Marc:Eventually, it got reissued, but fucking that first big idea.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:It's like the hot dog truck.
Guest:Exactly.
Guest:It was the hot dog truck.
Guest:I know.
Guest:I still got them.
Guest:I try to get rid of them at shows.
Guest:Do you?
Guest:But I remember one time I was signing this kid's ticket.
Guest:He didn't want to buy a T-shirt, obviously.
Guest:Yeah, yeah.
Guest:Because it's like, you know, you go to the merch table, Slayer has like 15 t-shirts.
Guest:For 40 bucks, right?
Guest:Yeah, the iconic covers.
Guest:Megadeth has like seven, Antex has five, and mine was all the way in the corner.
Guest:Jim Blunt.
Guest:Yeah, they couldn't even see it.
Guest:Because people are like, what are you here for?
Guest:I go, my shirt's up there.
Guest:Like, oh, I didn't even see that.
Guest:Yeah, I'm sorry, I'm going to get a Slayer shirt.
Guest:Who are you?
Marc:That was the guy running around back and forth.
Guest:So I'm signing this guy's ticket, and this guy comes over and frigging punches me right in the head.
Guest:And I look up, and he's like, that's what you get for wasting time on stage.
Guest:Oh, my God.
Guest:You suck.
Guest:Wasting time.
Marc:It's like you were cutting into the next encore.
Marc:Like if Jim hadn't gone on, they would have done another two songs.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Fucking assholes.
Marc:But you also do this one-man show?
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:Yeah, I mean, what happened there?
Guest:I mean, what was the story behind that?
Guest:Well, the one-man show is more like a story of my life, basically.
Guest:And it's more storytelling and stuff.
Guest:So basically, the whole theme of it is pretty much, you know,
Guest:You know, my mom was like super, super religious, like almost like the Virgin Mary, basically.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:So her whole thing was like, you know, you got to be just save people.
Guest:That's what you got to do.
Guest:My mom would just bring in people off the street and they would live at her house for like two weeks.
Guest:So that was like that was her thing.
Guest:Really?
Guest:She would take care of anybody like someone's grandmother down the block.
Guest:Not so much drifters, but people that were in trouble, like a kid that was hooked on drugs that lived in the neighborhood.
Guest:His parents threw him out, so she would take him in.
Marc:So you had to live with these people?
Guest:Yeah, and I'm like, Mom, what?
Guest:Did they ever steal or anything?
Guest:No, they didn't for some reason.
Guest:My mom was just like amazing how she would just get him back.
Marc:So that was her Catholic mission.
Guest:That was her Catholic mission.
Guest:And, you know, anyone's grandmother down the street, oh, I'll take care of her.
Marc:They were thinking about putting her in a home or something?
Guest:Yeah, or something like that.
Guest:Yeah, she was amazing the way she did that.
Guest:So it was like, that's what you need to do with people.
Guest:I'm like, I don't want to do that.
Guest:So basically every relationship I've ever been in is always, well, we're troubled women that needed to be taken care of.
Marc:So you're like a caretaker.
Guest:Yeah, just it's a disaster.
Marc:But you didn't know that.
Marc:I didn't know that.
Guest:No, but I'm just like, if I see a desire, I'm like, all right, I need to take care of her.
Guest:That's my project.
Marc:But you feel that when you see it?
Marc:Because, I mean, I have had my share of crazy women, but I'm not thinking I'm going to help them.
Marc:You know, I'm thinking like, oh, she's hot.
Marc:She seems like out of her mind.
Guest:Yeah, she's dancing on the bar.
Guest:Yeah, it's great.
Marc:Yeah, it's awesome.
Marc:It's not like the caretaking doesn't come in until you're like, what happened?
Marc:How come the woman I'm with now, I mean, I've never been in the position...
Marc:Where I actually feel like I have to, you know, take care of her or care about her more.
Marc:Like, it's a good feeling.
Guest:Right.
Marc:But it's a little daunting.
Guest:It is.
Guest:Well, at first, you know, because it's fun.
Guest:It's crazy.
Guest:The crazy chicks.
Guest:It's like, oh, my God, they're wild.
Guest:It's unbelievable.
Guest:But then all of a sudden, you know, when, you know, reality sets in, you're like, oh, my God.
Guest:It's like, what did I get myself into?
Guest:And then you feel bad.
Guest:And then I would feel bad.
Guest:I'm like, I can't.
Guest:Let's see if I could work this one and just get her to a better place.
Guest:How can I diplomatically shift her out of my life?
Guest:Yeah, and it was tough because I don't feel bad.
Guest:I don't know where to go or whatever it was.
Guest:It was always a problem, so that was every relationship in my life.
Guest:Really?
Guest:Pretty much, yeah.
Guest:I didn't get laid for a long time because like the Catholic school and all that stuff.
Guest:So I was a late bloomer, like till like 21.
Guest:I had like one girl.
Guest:You didn't feel guilty about it.
Guest:You just didn't have the opportunity.
Guest:I didn't have the opportunity.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:So what was the first girlfriend like?
Guest:Well, the first girlfriend, what happened was I used saran wrap on her as a condom and she broke up with me.
Guest:What do you mean?
Guest:It was our second time we had sex because we were fooling around that I didn't have a condom.
Guest:It was like 2 in the morning at her parents' house.
Guest:She's like, you got to get a condom.
Guest:I'm like, hold on.
Guest:And I just went up in her parents' kitchen.
Guest:I was looking around.
Guest:I'm like, there's going to be a condom laying around.
Guest:I'm going to have a dispenser I'm just going to rip off.
Guest:Like paper towels.
Guest:You're not going to find one, right.
Guest:So I just ripped off some saran wrap and I used that on her.
Guest:And she didn't know for a few minutes because it was dark.
Guest:And then she found out because she looked down and just freaked and just broke up with me and just told me to get lost.
Guest:She didn't get pregnant though.
Guest:She didn't get pregnant.
Guest:But that was like, you know, she wasn't a complete disaster.
Guest:But I screwed that up.
Guest:Like the one girl I really fell in love with.
Guest:I was like, I totally.
Marc:Over saran wrap.
Guest:And the whole neighborhood knew.
Guest:My parents found out.
Guest:About the saran wrap?
Guest:Oh, yeah.
Guest:Yeah, I got around the whole neighborhood.
Marc:How the hell did I get around the neighborhood?
Guest:My dad's like, you're not even human.
Marc:What the hell's wrong with you?
Marc:But did he say you should use a condom or you shouldn't have been fucking?
Guest:He said just, I can't believe you did that.
Guest:You embarrassed the family.
Guest:He was more of a saran wrap.
Guest:My mom was like, you're not married.
Guest:What were you doing?
Guest:Having sex.
Guest:Oh, my God.
Marc:Your dad was embarrassed that his kid wrapped his dick in saran wrap?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:What kind of idiot does that?
Yeah, he's like, yeah.
Marc:Well, yeah, I mean, it was pretty clever at the moment.
Marc:You're being resourceful.
Guest:I was.
Guest:I mean, because that was my second time going to have sex.
Guest:It was like, this is amazing.
Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest:Because I didn't even masturbate before I had sex.
Guest:What?
Guest:I did not masturbate until I was 21 was the first time I did it.
Guest:Really?
Guest:Yes, what a God.
Marc:How did you get through adolescence?
Guest:I don't know.
Guest:You cut up wrestling mats.
Marc:If you had just jerked off, there would have been a lot less property damage.
Guest:I know.
Guest:You used to go to a local pool in the neighborhood and break glass and throw over to the pool and throw all the furniture in there and plants and rip shingles off.
Guest:You just jerked off.
Guest:I know.
Guest:i know i can't even imagine that so the first time you jerk off you're 21 that must have been like the best day in the in the in your life no i felt guilty because i was drunk one night and i did it like in the middle of the night yeah and i and the next morning i felt so guilty like what a piece of shit i am that i had to do that so that catholic shit oh yeah it totally screw with me yeah
Marc:Oh, my God.
Marc:And that's why you were so adverse to having Jim Norton jerk off in your car.
Guest:Well, yeah.
Guest:Especially when he didn't stop.
Guest:At least if you're going to argue about it, he could probably stop, but he's still going.
Marc:Have a little shame.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:I don't think.
Marc:So that's weird, the Catholicism.
Marc:I don't know.
Marc:I was never ever told that masturbation was bad or anything.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And my dad would get Playboy magazine delivered to the house, which was weird.
Guest:You know, it was, you know, my mom was, you know, we were always in church and Catholic school and all this, but for some reason it was a play.
Guest:So whenever they would go out for dinner, we'd always go look at the Playboys, me and my brother.
Guest:Yeah, yeah.
Guest:But it didn't do anything.
Guest:Didn't do anything.
Guest:You know, I didn't even think about, I don't know.
Guest:I don't know what was going on.
Guest:Your brother didn't either?
Guest:No, we didn't just go, all right, you know, are you taking it to the bathroom?
Guest:I'll take it.
Guest:We didn't do any of that.
Guest:No.
Guest:So you don't know if your brother was jerking off or not?
Guest:We shared a room, probably not.
Marc:So you knew, oh my gosh.
Guest:He was bottom bunk, I was top bunk.
Guest:I didn't hear any movement going on down there.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:All right, so then, okay, so you just have a string of disastrous relationships with crazy people.
Guest:Crazy people.
Guest:Then I try, my dad wound up passing away at like 58, a massive heart attack.
Guest:Oh, my God.
Guest:Just one, you know, our relationship was kind of strained over the years.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And we finally got, you know, he actually saw me do comedy a couple times before he passed away.
Guest:This was like 93.
Guest:Was that good?
Guest:It was great.
Guest:Because, you know, one thing about him, you know, when he had the failed truck business, the hot dog thing, he didn't care that I went for my dream.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Like, he was like, go for it.
Guest:I said, Dad, this is what I want to do.
Guest:He was like, hey, go for it.
Guest:I had 100% support for my family, which was good.
Marc:I think you should put hot dogs on your T-shirt.
Marc:To honor your father.
Marc:Just fucking people.
Marc:What the fuck does that mean?
Guest:It was Florentine's Gourmet, it was called.
Guest:These old shitty trucks.
Guest:You should make those shirts.
Guest:I should.
Guest:So he saw you.
Guest:That's good.
Guest:He saw, and I did my first comedy show for MTV.
Guest:Remember when they were doing a half hour comedy?
Guest:Yeah, I did those.
Guest:But then they did Kamikaze.
Guest:Yeah, I did that.
Guest:Okay, so.
Marc:With the floating head.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:With Martha's name, Bowman, or John Bowman.
Guest:John Bowman, yeah.
Guest:Yeah, so that was my, I was only doing comedy a couple years, and I got booked on that show, so he came to the tape and him and my mom.
Guest:Oh, that's great.
Guest:So, you know, he saw me, and then, like, about four months later, he passed away.
Guest:Just one heart attack.
Guest:One heart attack.
Guest:Oh, yeah.
Guest:And, you know, right in front of us, like, my mom woke me up in the mornings, like, Dad's not breathing, ran upstairs, and...
Guest:We were trying to revive them.
Guest:The police came and the ambulance and all that stuff.
Guest:Oh, God.
Guest:Yeah, it was brutal.
Guest:So after that, I went up moving in with my mom because I felt like she needed to be taken care of.
Guest:So now I'm back into the... Because they were married like 34 years.
Guest:Everyone else was moved out of the house.
Guest:So you live there now?
Guest:No, no.
Guest:This was a while ago.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:So I move in with her just for a couple of years to take care of my mom.
Guest:And then I just said, I got to start dating normal girls.
Guest:So my dad was even telling me like when we started getting friendly again, he's like, dude, what are you doing?
Guest:These girls are a disaster.
Guest:I like them, but come on, you just find a normal one like your mom.
Guest:There's girls out there that don't act like that.
Guest:You know what I mean?
Guest:You really, you know, you could find a nice one.
Guest:I found a nice one right away.
Guest:What were some of the other ones?
Guest:But it didn't make sense to me.
Guest:I'm like, that's, yeah.
Marc:How do you know?
Marc:Also, like, they don't seem to be attracted to me.
Marc:They're nice girls.
Marc:I mean, that's the other thing.
Marc:It's like people say that, why don't you find a normal girl?
Marc:I'm like, I'm not on their radar.
Guest:Not at all.
Guest:Well, I had long hair, too.
Guest:So it was like, I was just getting strippers and hairdressers.
Guest:That's all I was getting.
Guest:Chicks that cut hair, like, oh, man, how'd you get your hair like that?
Guest:I'm like, ah, it's just natural.
Guest:That's natural, you know.
Guest:Chicks that get paid in singles is basically what I had.
Guest:Right.
Guest:So I wasn't meeting any nice girls.
Marc:You dated strippers a lot?
Guest:Well, you know, I would fool around when I'm here and there, yeah.
Marc:Like, I dated a chick who worked in the sex industry.
Marc:It's difficult.
Marc:It's not an easy path, that one.
Guest:No, no.
Guest:It always ends in a disaster, because as they get older, too.
Guest:Because then what do you do?
Guest:You go from making $800 a night cash, not paying any taxes on it, to trying to work in an office job, bringing home $515 every two weeks.
Guest:With the possibility of somebody at the office going, I remember you.
Guest:Yeah, that, too, absolutely.
Guest:Absolutely.
Guest:You know, no more Louis Vuitton bags.
Guest:No more, hey, let's go on a shopping spree.
Guest:I got cash.
Guest:That shit's all out the window.
Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest:So it's a tough road for them afterwards.
Guest:But then when I cut my hair, I cut my hair short.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Like in the mid-90s.
Guest:And then none of those girls were attracted to me anymore.
Guest:Right.
Guest:So I had no choice.
Guest:I had to find like a nice girl.
Guest:All of a sudden, girls like that worked in the bank thought I was attractive.
Guest:And they're like, oh, you want to go to brunch?
Guest:I'm like, what the fuck?
Guest:I don't even know what brunch was at that point.
Guest:Yeah, what is that?
Guest:Go to brunch?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:people wake up at that i know sunday on sunday and and go out with other couples yeah that sounds awful it's crazy i know i don't want to talk to anyone so what ultimately happened so i i you know i i eventually two years in i live my mom start try to start dating normal girls but they were boring yeah i was like there's no excitement here this is awful yeah yeah you know yeah you know i don't
Guest:There's no grip to it.
Guest:There's nothing.
Guest:This is for like a married guy in their 40s.
Guest:So then I just said, you know what?
Guest:I gotta go back to the dark side.
Guest:I met this girl.
Guest:Where'd you meet her?
Guest:I met her at a comedy show.
Guest:She was actually at my show.
Guest:And we started talking.
Guest:I exchanged numbers.
Guest:And we wound up dating for six years.
Guest:And she was, you know,
Guest:A big, you know, it was a huge project.
Guest:I went basically, you know, dove right back in.
Guest:Right.
Guest:You know, the whole, the whole history, you know, chemical imbalance.
Guest:Oh, she had a, she had, she was bipolar.
Guest:Born with chemical imbalance, you know, molested as a kid, forced to homes, adopted.
Guest:Oh my God.
Guest:All that stuff, you know, horrendous childhood.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:You know, and it was just, and it showed, you know, she was, you know, but I was like, this is, this is a project for me.
Marc:But it must have been like, you know, there was chemistry there.
Guest:There definitely was.
Guest:Well, because she was, you know.
Guest:It didn't become a project until after.
Guest:No, I mean, she'd walk in a room.
Guest:You're like, oh, my God.
Guest:Look at this.
Guest:I mean, she was gorgeous.
Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest:Total knockout and just wild and funny.
Guest:Yeah, yeah.
Guest:You're like, oh, my God.
Guest:And you walk in like, wow.
Marc:Yeah, see, that's it.
Guest:That was it.
Guest:You know, whenever someone's like, that's your, holy shit.
Guest:But then, you know, the moments, you know.
Guest:But how long did it take for you to realize that she had trouble?
Guest:Right away.
Guest:Oh, really?
Guest:Oh, yeah.
Guest:Yeah, right.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:But I was like, all right, this is a project for me.
Marc:Well, you sit there and you do that weird thing.
Marc:It's like, well, is it worth it?
Marc:And then you're like, yeah, because your heart gets connected to it.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:And then all of a sudden you're like, oh my God, it's out of my fucking wheelhouse.
Marc:I don't know if I can handle this.
Marc:But then the arc will come like, this is crazy.
Marc:And then all of a sudden it's back to like, oh, we're good.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:that's exactly what it was and you feel i just you know always felt bad even though i don't like to deal with any kind of aggravation at all it was always like i always found these women that were just complete drama drama total drama and i didn't want any drama in my life i just wanted to show up do the gig do my whatever like i don't want any problems you know and stuff like that and then i would get in these relationships like oh my god this is out of control do you ever think like you know maybe maybe you like drama
Guest:Yeah, well, I was always, like, look, I met Jim Norton.
Guest:I saw him do a joke about, you know, fucking his grandmother in church.
Guest:I'm like, I like that guy.
Guest:There's something wrong with him.
Guest:So, yeah, always.
Guest:Rich Voss, disaster, Bob Levy.
Guest:You know, I always attracted to, like, people like that that were just crazy.
Marc:Yeah, because they live interesting lives and they seem to be okay with it.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:You know, people who don't live interesting lives out of fear are like, ugh, what am I going to do with that?
Marc:You know what I mean?
Marc:They're just sort of like, I'm not going to do that.
Marc:I'm not going to talk about that.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I can't.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I think like anyone that was normal to me, that was boring.
Guest:I'm like, ah, you know.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:As you get older, though, when you because obviously you and I, we got our own problems.
Marc:And then like at some point you realize, well, you know, this is who I am.
Marc:And maybe if I can just, you know, you know, kind of tape temper some of the shit that gets me into trouble, I'll be all right.
Marc:You can't get rid of it.
Marc:But you can sort of like eventually get old enough.
Marc:I'm not going to.
Marc:I'm not going to do that because it's going to cause me a bunch of trouble.
Guest:Yeah, yeah.
Guest:Usually about late 30s you realize that as a guy.
Guest:Seinfeld, though, made a great point.
Guest:He said comedians are like 20 years behind being grown up.
Guest:Like when they're 45, they're really 25.
Guest:And that's almost exactly right.
Marc:That is right.
Guest:It is.
Marc:That wasn't a joke.
Marc:That was something he said?
Guest:Yeah, that's something he said in an interview.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:See, that would be a joke for us.
Guest:Right.
Marc:It's like just a self-analysis.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:So what happened with this girl?
Guest:So we date six years.
Marc:But what was some of the behavior that was out of fucking- Just the highs and the lows.
Marc:Was she on medication?
Guest:No, she took a little here and there, but not really.
Guest:She didn't want to take it.
Guest:She was vegetarian and she always ate healthy and stuff.
Guest:She didn't want to put the pills.
Guest:She wasn't crazy about taking that stuff.
Marc:Isn't that weird?
Marc:Like, you know, that there's a thing about that people come from chaos is that they find one thing in their life that they can control, whether it's, you know, like the food or whatever.
Marc:And that's their whole thing.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:Like, I'm not going to.
Guest:Well, it's like every stripper is like a vegetarian.
Guest:They love animals.
Guest:But meanwhile, you know.
Guest:$200, I'll go home with you.
Guest:Go in this back room for another $50.
Guest:But they see a little animal.
Marc:It's a bizarre thing, but I think it's a control thing.
Marc:They all come from such chaos.
Guest:It's one thing.
Guest:So she wouldn't take the pills.
Guest:She wouldn't take the pills.
Guest:pills and you know she was adopted and she really wanted to find her real family yeah and the adopted mother had the information but she was always afraid because she always said I'm going to get rejected I'm afraid to get rejected again right if I find my real mom what if she doesn't like me or doesn't return my calls right
Guest:So, you know, she was at a point where she was having so much, so many issues that I said, you know what, I'm going to find a real mom because maybe she can really make a connection there and have a real family and, you know, help her.
Guest:Right.
Guest:You know, move to the next level and get better.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Mentally and stuff.
Guest:So I wound up tracking her down.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And she lived in like Orange County, California.
Guest:Really?
Guest:She was married, lived there for 25 years.
Guest:And I got her on the phone.
Guest:I said, look, your daughter or whatever.
Guest:And they started crying on the phone.
Guest:And I was coming out to California to a club.
Guest:So I said, we'll be out there in two weeks.
Guest:And they met for the first time.
Guest:She was 27 at the time.
Guest:Oh, my God.
Guest:It was unbelievable.
Guest:I mean, the whole family came out.
Guest:You know, we see two women come out.
Guest:We weren't sure which one was her mom.
Guest:Right.
Guest:We didn't see any pictures.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:She's like, Jade, I'm your mom.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And it was just like, they started hugging.
Guest:It was unbelievable, man.
Guest:It was like an amazing moment that her brother, she had brothers that she didn't know.
Guest:Like half brothers, huh?
Guest:Yeah, half brothers.
Guest:Yeah, and all this stuff.
Guest:So it was, you know, and then we just.
Guest:Oh my God, that's overwhelming.
Guest:So she just, you know, it totally turned her life around.
Guest:She's like, this is the night, this is the greatest moment of my life.
Guest:If I never live another day, I just know that this, you know.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:This was amazing.
Guest:And she being, like her and her mom became best friends.
Marc:Really?
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:What was the reason why she was put up for adoption in the first place?
Guest:You know, she was Vietnamese during the war back in the 70s.
Guest:She left.
Guest:The mother.
Guest:The mother left.
Guest:The father wanted to stay for some reason.
Guest:And she took off while she was pregnant and came to the States because she knew a couple people and came here and then got adopted by like a church.
Guest:Uh-huh.
Guest:Uh-huh.
Guest:Some weird church.
Guest:Huh.
Guest:Like Mennonites.
Guest:Right, right.
Marc:Almost like Amish.
Marc:Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest:And they basically, you know, gave her to her family.
Guest:Huh.
Guest:And she never, but they always had contact.
Guest:The pastor that she was, you know, that gave away to the family always had contact with the real mom.
Guest:And the real mom just, I guess she said at that time, I just couldn't take care of you.
Guest:I didn't, I couldn't speak English.
Guest:I had no job.
Guest:I was like, you know, sewing stuff in the back of a store, you know, for like $3 an hour.
Marc:Oh my God.
Guest:I couldn't speak English, but then, you know, a couple years later, she found her family, some extended family out in California.
Guest:She moved out there, and she just said, ah, you know, I'm sure she's better off with that family, so.
Guest:And she wasn't, really.
Guest:She wasn't, no.
Guest:So, you know, they find her, you know, and they become best friends.
Guest:They're hanging, and we're going back and forth.
Guest:They came to visit us, this and that, and then, you know, ultimately, that wasn't, it didn't really help in the long run, because, you know, what mental illness, and, you know, what a chemical imbalance is, you know, it's basically like a,
Guest:a loose wire yeah in layman's terms there's a wire that's loose that you know you don't usually react like you get fired from a job you go all right this is gonna suck for a while but i'll find another one someone with a loose wire is gonna go all right i can't take this anymore i don't see any way out right never gonna find another job i'm just gonna you know end my life it's gonna be easier right so six years in yeah we're uh you know i'm doing a show and she uh leaves me a message while i'm on stage and
Guest:And I didn't see it coming.
Guest:I mean, I didn't see that she was at that point because I, you know, it was a whole, you know, during her six years, there was a lot of moments where she was low.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And she left me a message, you know, on my cell phone when I got off stage crying.
Guest:It's like, I can't do this anymore.
Guest:You know, I love you and please don't be mad at me, but I can't take anymore.
Guest:I need to be out of pain.
Guest:I rushed home and found a land on the ground.
Marc:Oh my God.
Guest:It's brutal.
Marc:How'd she do it?
Guest:And pills and booze, just a mixture.
Marc:And she was dead when you got there.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:She knew to do it at that time because she knew I was an hour away.
Guest:It's funny because I was opening for Dice at a big theater.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:So an hour away, she knew what time I was going to be on stage, like 8 o'clock or whatever.
Guest:So she knew exactly when to do it where by the time I got home, I wouldn't have been.
Guest:And we even had a little dog.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And it was weird because she told me, she goes, hey, why don't you drop the dog off your mom's?
Guest:I'm like, why?
Guest:She goes, you know, your mom likes the dog.
Guest:I go, nah.
Guest:I go, nah, that'd be fine.
Guest:Because I was like, that's weird.
Guest:Why would she say that?
Guest:But she didn't want the dog to be there.
Guest:So she actually took the dog down to my mom's after I left.
Guest:And she goes, oh, just take the dog for a couple days.
Guest:I know how much you like the dog.
Guest:She didn't want to do it with the dog.
Guest:So she had a whole plan and stuff.
Guest:And then afterwards, you just feel like,
Guest:you know, the biggest piece of shit.
Guest:Like, wow, why wasn't it there for her?
Guest:Right.
Guest:You know, but meanwhile, she would have done it.
Guest:If she didn't do it then, she would have done it another time.
Marc:Well, yeah, when they have a plan like that.
Guest:Right.
Guest:So it was like, you know, if I was- Has she tried before?
Guest:No, she never tried.
Guest:But, you know, she always said, you know, sometimes it'd be better if I just, you know, I just want to go to sleep and never wake up.
Guest:You know, that's a major sign.
Guest:And a lot of times with suicide, people always think that when someone goes, I'm just going to end my life.
Guest:I can't take it anymore.
Guest:I just want to go to sleep.
Guest:And that's a major sign.
Guest:That's not a cry for help.
Guest:Like, they're just doing that to get attention.
Guest:That's a major sign.
Guest:I found that out later, obviously.
Marc:So when you found it, what happened?
Guest:I mean, the ambulance came, the cops.
Guest:I had them meet us there.
Guest:You know, I got to the house first because I thought she wasn't picking up.
Guest:I said, maybe she's just, you know, she's just having a moment or whatever.
Guest:She's going to be there.
Guest:She's going to be fine watching TV.
Guest:But you were worried.
Guest:Absolutely.
Guest:I mean, I did like 100 miles an hour all the way home.
Guest:And then I get there and I just, you know, ran into the spare bedroom and the door was shut.
Guest:And, you know, it was never shut, that door.
Guest:And I knew something bad was behind that door.
Guest:God damn it.
Guest:it was yeah and then you know that you know the ambulance come and they're giving her mouth to mouth and you know it was just uh i still still thought she was okay like you don't you never know it was same thing like my dad when i saw him laying i'm like all right he's gonna be okay to take him away and you know and i remember she just said wow such a beautiful girl i can't believe that yeah so sad and i just knew that that was you know yeah yeah and what what what happened to your life after that
Guest:you know then it was just you know i didn't i didn't even know i was like man what am i gonna do like how am i even gonna get up on stage again like how can i go up there and tell jokes you know when everybody knows and you felt you felt responsible totally responsible it's still because that that kind of death is just total like if you're you know you're good you'd say your girlfriend go to the store and get me cigarettes or whatever like that and she gets an accident you're gonna feel guilty like if i didn't tell her
Guest:To go to the store, she never got killed.
Guest:And suicide is like that, too.
Guest:Whoever is closest to her, like, man, what could I have done?
Guest:I should have seen the signs.
Guest:I should have never did that comedy show that night.
Guest:You know, all of that stuff.
Guest:So there's so much more guilt there.
Marc:And how did you process it?
Marc:I mean, how did you get your head right around it?
Guest:Well, I really went to, you know, it was like I found out like these survivors are suicide groups, like bereavement groups.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And like two weeks later, I was like, I got to do something, man, because I started reading books on it and all that stuff.
Marc:You're just beating the shit out of yourself.
Guest:Beating the shit out of me.
Guest:Totally.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:And then everybody blames you.
Guest:All my friends, you know, eventually start blaming you.
Guest:Like I was the last one.
Guest:Really?
Guest:To be with her.
Guest:Like what happened?
Guest:Did you cause this?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:What did you do?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:What did you do?
Guest:Did you say something to her?
Marc:Even though they knew she was unstable?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Even though they always, you know, that's just anger and they're trying to process it.
Guest:So they just, they need somebody to blame.
Guest:Right.
Guest:So that was, that was super rough, you know, that our friends, you know, basically turn on you after that.
Marc:Oh my God.
Marc:So you started reading on it and then you go to these bereavement groups.
Guest:I go to bereavement groups.
Guest:I remember walking in for the first time and it's like, they're, they're laughing before the, you know, it starts.
Guest:And I'm like, how can these people laugh?
Guest:Cause they all went through it, a son or a daughter.
Guest:Right, right, right.
Guest:And I'm like, how can these people smile?
Guest:And you're a comic and that, and it was beyond your understanding.
Guest:It was beyond my understanding.
Guest:Like, how could you be in a good mood?
Guest:You lost your son.
Guest:You know what I mean?
Guest:Like I couldn't, I could never think I could get to that place.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:You know, and they were like, it was almost like AA.
Guest:This woman was two years in where her son took her life.
Guest:This woman was five.
Guest:This woman was nine months and I was only two weeks.
Guest:And I looked at the nine months.
Guest:I'm like, holy shit.
Guest:I can get to that point at nine months.
Guest:There's no way you couldn't, you couldn't see.
Guest:Right.
Guest:You couldn't see that you can get to that point.
Guest:You're like, there's no way.
Guest:There's no way out of this, out of this fog.
Guest:Right.
Marc:what were your thoughts around that though like i mean for yourself i mean in the cycle of beating the shit out of yourself what were you saying to yourself in terms of the rest of your life you know how was that looking to you like you know i mean what you weren't thinking about killing yourself were you no i know that never crossed my mind but
Guest:You just didn't see any way out of this?
Guest:I didn't see any way.
Guest:I'm like, I don't know what I'm going to do.
Guest:I didn't want to go back to my apartment.
Guest:My mom just said, look, stay here.
Guest:Don't go back there.
Guest:I go, I don't want to walk back in there because just opening that door was just a complete nightmare.
Guest:I'm like, I never want to deal with it.
Guest:I can't go in there every night.
Guest:I can understand that when someone dies in their house to live there, all that stuff.
Guest:And my mom says, just stay here for a while.
Guest:So I wound up staying there for like six months.
Marc:And kept going.
Marc:Would you go every week?
Guest:I would go every week.
Guest:There was different ones.
Guest:And I would go and I just sit there and listen and talk.
Guest:And I would tell my story and, you know, just realize, you know, find out that like, look, that's it.
Guest:It has nothing to do with you.
Guest:Suicide is just a temporary problem for, you know, like it's just a temporary problem.
Guest:Someone hasn't done to see their way out.
Guest:Anyone that's attempted and didn't make it always said, I just there was no light at the end of the tunnel.
Guest:Whether I lost my job or I got divorced, my wife left me and I just said, there's no way I'm going to get out of this.
Guest:They always think everyone's going to be better off without them.
Guest:That's the main thing in suicide.
Guest:My family's going to be better off without me because I'm a pain in the ass.
Guest:I'm a drama queen.
Guest:So it's better to just end my life.
Guest:In that weird way, they think that.
Guest:It's like that's not 100% false.
Guest:Of course, their dad's a fuck up, but of course the kids want him around.
Marc:Right, right.
Guest:But they think, you know, my kids are going to be better off.
Guest:Self-pity, they're just consumed by it.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:That's the selfishness of it.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:They've made themselves out to be this piece of shit.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:Then they're just going to do everyone a favor.
Guest:Yeah, so I think that's what my ex was.
Guest:I think she thought, you know what, I've been such a pain in the ass to him, and it's so time-consuming for him to take care of me.
Guest:It's just going to be better off.
Marc:Oh, God.
Marc:So did you have to call her real mother and shit and like that kind of stuff?
Guest:Yeah, the real mother, the adopted mother, all of that stuff.
Guest:You made all those calls?
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:What was the reaction?
Guest:Well, it was weird.
Guest:The real mother never came to the funeral.
Guest:Yeah, because she probably felt responsible.
Guest:She felt responsible.
Marc:And are you in touch with them anymore?
Marc:No, there's no contact.
Marc:And what about the step parents?
Marc:No, no contact.
Marc:They came to the funeral though.
Guest:Oh yeah, we did, yeah.
Guest:We went down to where she grew up in Pennsylvania.
Guest:And she got buried there in their hometown.
Guest:But then after that, it just, it turned ugly where it was all my fault.
Guest:oh they did too yeah and then we had a place together so it was a whole battle over the estate and stuff and it was just oh because it got really nasty yeah we had an apartment right outside of new yeah right yeah like right in uh cliffside park right outside of new york city oh really and then that got ugly too that got super ugly when did this happen this happened 2006 late 2006 and and where is it all at now it's all done everything's done yeah moved on and now you know i got i i got i got married and i got a kid oh yeah yeah so my whole one-man show is about basically you know
Guest:The shit that I was in and just how I recovered and found somebody and just have a happy life and really recovered from this disaster.
Marc:How long did it take you to process?
Guest:Well, I'll tell you.
Guest:It took me a long time, but I went to this healer guy, this shaman guy.
Guest:yeah yeah a comedian friend this girl laura levitas i know okay so laura tells me about this guy named gypsy yeah she's like look this she used to always go to him she's always telling me go to this guy he's really good and he's gonna help you and you were desperate enough to i at first i was like i'm not going what am i gonna do what go no freaking shaman come on she's like seriously just go he does this massage thing and he just he knows what's going on and all this stuff and i actually flew to california
Guest:from Jersey to go see, he was out here.
Marc:And a guy like you, that's gotta be like, you gotta be pretty, you know, desperate emotionally to look at that as an option.
Marc:Like it was probably a struggle for you.
Marc:Oh, totally was.
Guest:Cause I was like, you know, a guy's guy.
Marc:How are you going to tell dice you went to gypsy?
Guest:It's,
Guest:Exactly.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And it was like, and also, you know, it's like when Laura would tell me to go to therapy, I'm like, I'm not going to therapy.
Guest:I'm like, I'm going to lose my anger.
Guest:And then I'm not going to be funny on stage because that's where I get my comedy from.
Guest:She's like, you're such an idiot.
Guest:Just go.
Guest:You're not going to lose your anger.
Guest:Right.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:But that was my thing.
Guest:I'm not going to be funny.
Guest:I'm going to be mellow.
Marc:Right.
Marc:Isn't that weird, though?
Marc:Because, like, I mean, you know, we're stubborn like that.
Marc:And there's this idea.
Marc:It's like, fuck that.
Guest:But that's like Kinison back in the day.
Guest:He would do coke all night.
Guest:But he would tell his brother, like, if I could watch CNN, if we could just get one funny line, it's worth it for our act.
Guest:And that was his way of going.
Guest:We're writing.
Guest:Yeah, yeah.
Guest:You know, so we're going to do coke all night.
Guest:That's a rationalization.
Guest:I know.
Guest:What funny life.
Guest:So I wouldn't go to therapy because I was like, I don't want to lose my anger.
Guest:Oh, God.
Guest:Because I'm not going to be funny anymore.
Guest:Yeah, yeah.
Guest:And I'm not going to find anything.
Guest:I'm not going to get angry over anything, so I'm not going to have any jokes.
Marc:But this is before the bereavement group.
Guest:That was right before the bereavement group.
Marc:And right before that.
Marc:So you go to Gypsy.
Guest:I go to Gypsy.
Guest:And what happens?
Guest:He doesn't know my story.
Guest:He just knows.
Guest:Laura says, hey, he's coming.
Guest:He lost his girlfriend, you know.
Guest:She leaves me a note.
Guest:The girlfriend?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:What did it say?
Guest:Basically, well, I go to him.
Guest:He sits me down, and he tells me everything that's in the note, and he had no idea it was in the note because Laura didn't know it was in the note.
Guest:Nobody did except for me and my family.
Guest:Was it that specific that he couldn't have?
Guest:He went, she would have done this a long time ago if she never would have met you.
Guest:You gave her the best, whatever, five, six years of her life, and, you know, she's happy now.
Guest:She wants her to go be, you know.
Guest:Be happy and be out of pain.
Guest:She's out of pain.
Guest:She's okay.
Guest:Go live your life.
Guest:That was what was in the note?
Guest:Word for word.
Guest:word for word so that that must have blown your mind it was unbelievable yeah and then this one thing that he said he goes look just remember this because you were chapter three in her life chapter one was the root of the problem you weren't there for chapter one that was huge for me yeah just that that saying right there that i wasn't because it was you know the book was already written yeah chapter one was the was the problem when she was born yeah you know so i was just a chapter in her life that came along right
Guest:So, you know, and then he just like, you know, he did this massage thing and just, you know, found all this shit.
Guest:Did you cry?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Oh, yeah.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Opened you right up, right?
Guest:Brutal.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:It was amazing.
Guest:And then when he left, when I was leaving, he's like, hey, I just want to let you know, you know, your girlfriend Jade didn't send you here.
Guest:Laura, I mean, Laura didn't send you here.
Guest:Your girlfriend Jade did.
Guest:I'm like-
Guest:okay yeah yeah whatever all right and you know come on you did your job all right and then when i got in the car i was like holy shit you know she actually saved me right you know she really did she was the one that brought me there so that was that was the the the beginning of the unburdening that was the beginning of unburdening yeah still go to the support group music did a bunch of shows you know raised a lot of money and stuff like that did some walks in new york city for suicide oh yeah all that stuff yeah
Marc:And how long did you go to the meetings?
Marc:I went to the meetings for about two years.
Marc:Yeah?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:And like during the standup, I mean, did it change you on stage or were you just?
Guest:No, it really didn't change me on stage.
Guest:I was nervous about getting up on stage.
Guest:Because you're too vulnerable.
Guest:Too vulnerable.
Guest:And then I'm thinking everybody's looking at me.
Guest:Really?
Guest:Everybody knows my story.
Marc:But you didn't find support in the community?
Marc:I mean, the guys like, you know, Norton and those guys.
Guest:Oh, those absolutely.
Guest:They were 100%.
Guest:But I'm saying the crowds.
Guest:Oh, right, right.
Guest:Because, you know, they knew it got out there.
Guest:Of course, I didn't care.
Guest:I was like, I'm going to.
Marc:You mean on Stern or something?
Guest:Stern.
Guest:And, you know, just everybody knew the radio shows and, you know, the crowds knew basically what happened.
Right.
Guest:But you thought they were blaming you too?
Guest:No, I thought they were looking at me like, how can this guy be cracking jokes when his girlfriend just died?
Guest:Oh, so you felt guilty.
Guest:I felt guilty up there.
Guest:I'm like, man, how can I have a good time on stage and crack these jokes?
Marc:But how long did it take you to get back up there?
Guest:About almost a month.
Marc:Okay, okay.
Marc:Three weeks to a month.
Marc:But no one ever said anything like that.
Guest:No, no one ever said anything, but it was just me thinking that, you know, for a long time, like, oh, shit, they're looking at me like, this guy, how could he be doing this?
Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest:You know, because that's the whole stigma behind it.
Guest:You really, you know, like people go, how can that guy- You couldn't save her.
Guest:You let her die.
Guest:That was the stigma.
Guest:Absolutely, yeah.
Marc:Oh, God.
Guest:so and when did you meet your wife so um like three years after she passed away yeah um my friend calls me up and he says hey he goes um you want to go see kid rock right in concert he goes they got free tickets we're gonna go tailgate we got a bunch of hot chicks meeting us there you in i'm like i don't know and he's like what do you mean you don't know i go i don't know i go i'll let you know tomorrow he's like
Guest:what a pussy you know you know jersey of course he actually said he goes really that's not incentive enough and this is exactly what it's word for word and i do it in my show he goes really what are you going to stay home and take it in the ass that's what he told me and one of my best friends that was at my wedding party because i i said i don't know if i want to go to see kid rock because he had a free ticket and there's gonna be beer you're gonna go home and take a life in the ass yeah yeah take it in the ass
Guest:And it was weird because the only reason I was reluctant on that, that was my ex's favorite band.
Guest:And we used to always go see him when he came around.
Guest:He would come around like once a year.
Guest:Did you tell your friend that?
Guest:I didn't tell him that because I was just like, I didn't, you know, I didn't want to get into him with about that.
Guest:He would have been like, oh, pussy, that was three years ago.
Guest:You still worried about that?
Marc:But there's something funny about the metaphor of like, you know, because on some level, you know, you were letting life take it.
Marc:You were taking it in the ass because you wouldn't get out of that cycle.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Of self, you know, flagellation over this fucking thing.
Guest:Absolutely.
Guest:But I and I was like, I felt bad going without her.
Guest:Right.
Guest:Three years later.
Marc:But that's not unreasonable.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And I and that night I remember just figuring out what I wanted to do.
Guest:And she actually came to me in a dream.
Guest:Really?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And I never said she never came to me before.
Guest:Like the whole time I was hoping that I would see her at some point.
Guest:you know, that she was okay.
Guest:And she just said, go to the show, go.
Guest:That's all the dream is?
Guest:Go, go to the show.
Guest:Yeah, and I'm just like, just go, you'll thank me, go, go, go, like that.
Guest:And it was like, but I wanna, and then she was gone.
Guest:Like, she just frigging drifted off.
Marc:Do you believe in heaven?
Guest:I have a hard time as you get older when you really figure stuff out.
Guest:There's something going on out there.
Guest:I just don't know what it is.
Guest:It might be in here.
Marc:It might be out there.
Marc:It's somewhere in the middle.
Marc:I don't know.
Guest:But I'll tell you something, which I forgot the story.
Guest:So I'm on stage opening that show for Dice, and it's packed.
Guest:The night she died.
Guest:2,000 people.
Guest:In the middle of my show, I got this surge went right through my body.
Guest:It was almost like I got struck by lightning.
Guest:I don't know.
Guest:I never felt that before on stage.
Guest:It was right after I finished the joke.
Guest:I'm like, the hell was that?
Guest:That's weird.
Guest:And then I went right on to my show, and that was basically probably the moment when she passed.
Guest:It was really weird.
Guest:Because it wasn't like, oh, I hope she's going to be okay.
Guest:And a lot of people I've talked to have had that with someone dying or whatever.
Guest:They felt their dad pass away on another coast or something like that.
Guest:She just had this weird feeling.
Guest:Really?
Guest:And then all of a sudden my mom called.
Guest:Yeah, it was really freaky.
Guest:So that's why there's something out there.
Guest:I just don't know what it is.
Marc:So she said go, and you go to the concert.
Guest:I'm sitting in the parking lot drinking beers, a bunch of the hot chicks.
Guest:I start rapping with this one.
Guest:I'm like, hey, you know, you got a boyfriend?
Guest:She's like, no, why not?
Guest:Well, you know, it's a long story.
Guest:I got time.
Guest:I don't need to see the opening band.
Guest:It was some shitty band.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I'll wait for Kid Rock to go on.
Guest:She's like, well, you know, she goes, look, I just, I'm just sick of men.
Guest:I've, you know, I've been taking care of my whole life.
Guest:They're all fucking disasters.
Guest:And I'm looking, I'm done with that.
Guest:I'm just looking for a nice guy.
Guest:And I'm like, holy shit.
Yeah.
Guest:we exchanged numbers that night i just became a nice guy yeah i'm like wow you met me at the right time because i was i was a scumbag for a long time and i'm looking for someone i don't have to take care of either yeah and then we went on dates and you know within a year and a half we had a kid and we got married that's a fucking great story and she's not nuts she's not nuts you're sure but positive you know she has a little moments you know right a little moments you know but nothing too crazy nothing too good no
Guest:And would you have a son or a daughter?
Guest:We have a son.
Guest:Uh-huh.
Guest:He's two and a half.
Guest:Oh, that's amazing.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:So you're all right.
Guest:I'm all right, yeah.
Marc:You're out of the tunnel.
Guest:Yeah, it took a while, man.
Marc:And do you find that, how is the show resonating with people who went through the same experience as
Guest:People love it because a lot of people have dealt with depression in their family.
Guest:If they didn't lose somebody, they know somebody close.
Guest:And, you know, it's just tough getting people to that show because it's so heavy.
Guest:It's funny.
Guest:Most of it is funny.
Guest:I do slides.
Guest:I show pictures.
Guest:What's it called?
Guest:It's called I'm Your Savior.
Guest:and did you uh you release it on dvd or not yet i'm hoping to get it off like broadway do like a colin quinn thing with his long story short sure so i've done it a bunch of times in new york i've done it in la a couple times i'm hoping to get a director for it to bring it to the next level and then shoot it as a special oh that's great comedy central saw it but they said it's too serious i'm like really five minutes out of a show is too serious like you know some of the shit i see on there there's five minutes where there's no laughs on your network i think you know
Marc:Yeah, some of the stuff you have on there is literally depressing.
Guest:Yeah, exactly.
Guest:For the wrong reason.
Guest:Right.
Marc:And here I've got a context.
Marc:I can carry people through the emotions of this thing in a funny way.
Guest:No.
Guest:They don't want that five minutes.
Guest:It's just going to kill.
Guest:People are going to turn the channel.
Guest:Maybe Showtime or Netflix.
Guest:Yeah, there's a bunch of different places.
Guest:I'm definitely going to release it because I really like doing it.
Guest:But it's totally different from what I do on stage, which I like.
Guest:It's like a little, you know, I'm more of just a rough, gruff guy up there.
Marc:Well, no, I think it's a, you know, it's amazing to hear a guy of your ilk, you know, have to be forced into a situation.
Marc:Like, you know, we all get into those situations in our lives where we have to, you know, we have to reckon with our feelings.
Marc:And, you know, if you're a guy that your whole life has been sort of like, fuck those feelings that, you know, I'm not going to fucking do that.
Marc:You know, the New Jersey thing.
Marc:And then all of a sudden you reckon with them and you process them in a way.
Marc:It must be very rewarding because, I mean, it's helpful to you, helpful to other people.
Marc:You know, it opened up a whole other part of your heart.
Guest:I mean, Jesus.
Guest:It totally did.
Guest:It helped a lot of people understand.
Guest:You know, I always was weird about like when someone, a public figure went public with something so tragic.
Guest:I'm like, what are they doing that for?
Guest:Why don't they just keep it to themselves?
Guest:Like, that was always my thing.
Guest:Like, why would they?
Guest:But it helped so many people that were afraid.
Guest:To go there, to talk about it.
Guest:You know, like that somebody else that they know, they kind of know, will talk about it.
Guest:And then like, holy shit.
Guest:I went on Stern and told the story and people, I mean, I must have got like a thousand emails.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And I was calling people and talking to them and stuff that went through it and stuff because I was way ahead of them and stuff.
Guest:And just talk to these guys and tell them what's coming and what you didn't do wrong and what you did.
Guest:Go to this group, find groups for them and stuff and get the help.
Marc:What the fuck is it about men in general, you know, after a certain point?
Marc:Because when you do something like that, when you tell your truth and it's a painful truth, then all of a sudden, you know, just legions of people like they're just holding this shit in.
Marc:They just hold it in because they think that's what we're supposed to do.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:it's fucking nuts i know be a man come on what does that even mean i know it's it is give yourself cancer because you don't want to have feelings absolutely and that's what it is it destroys your insides i went to a doctor like this alternative doctor naturopathic doctor and he took my blood work and stuff like that he's like dude he goes your insides are destroyed over this tragedy he's like you need to really build yourself back up because it's really eating you away so he put me on like a whole vitamin program and yeah
Guest:all these powders and stuff and did all this stuff, and it really just built me back up.
Guest:He says, seriously, you don't see it, but you're destroyed inside.
Marc:Well, you know, you feel that feeling that you have where you literally, like, you feel like something, like a hand is holding your heart.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Like, oh, you fuck.
Marc:Don't fucking, you know, the relief that you must have felt.
Marc:I mean, I imagine after each time you do the show, it's got to be somewhat like like a burden.
Guest:It is.
Guest:It is.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:It's just totally, you know, really emotional, too.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Because I go back to that place and I tell the whole story on stage and it's just like I can go back to that place in a second.
Marc:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest:My wife's always fascinated by my regular standup.
Guest:She's like, how could you get that angry at that point?
Guest:You've been doing that joke for like nine months.
Guest:I go, I can go back to that moment and just like that, even if I'm over it, like I'm not angry over it anymore or whatever, I could go right to there.
Guest:So it's not a problem at all.
Marc:And also that kind of shit gets funnier and more the more grounded you are.
Marc:Like when you're in the middle of it, there's no even with a joke when you're really angry about something.
Marc:Right.
Marc:The humor.
Marc:A lot of times the laughs are just people uncomfortable because you're so fucking angry.
Marc:Right.
Marc:But once a little time goes by, you know, you're not that angry, but you can tap into it again.
Marc:You got a little more of a handle on it.
Marc:And it's a funnier thing.
Guest:Right.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:They always told Rich Voss when he went through a divorce.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:He said he lost so much club work when he was going through the divorce because he was so angry on stage.
Guest:Right.
Guest:He was just lashing out at people.
Guest:And they always say, if you're going through, don't even talk about a divorce for like at least the first six, eight months minimum.
Guest:Right.
Guest:Because it's just going to come out pure anger and it's just going to, you know, it's not going to be funny yet.
Guest:Let it process.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:I was doing a one-man show about my divorce while it was happening.
Marc:But I knew enough to say, like, you know, I didn't do, like, I did some of this stuff on stand-up stage.
Marc:It was manageable.
Marc:But I just took the other stuff to a workshop situation.
Marc:I'm like, I'm in, like, Time Out New York said, the great thing about this show is Marin has no hindsight.
Marc:So it's very engaging.
Marc:Like, I had not worked through it.
Marc:So it was a theatrical experience, but it was not controlled.
Marc:Right.
Marc:You know what I mean?
Marc:I had no handle on it.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:yeah well fuck man it sounds like uh you know things sort of you know worked out yeah you're not heavy-hearted about it anymore no you know look you still think about it all the time but i gotta you know but sounds like you've grieved it properly i agree yeah and i i needed to take it head on because if i didn't you know and that's why look that's why people that don't deal with stuff reach for that that bottle yeah reach for the pills yeah reach for the you know smoke and reefer or whatever it is because like i don't want to feel that
Guest:that pain and i really thank god it happened to me when i was you know 40 or 41 right instead of you know 25 because i would have never dealt with it you could have gotten more fucked up yourself totally i would have totally went that way not that i have any addictions but i totally would have just been put it to a side and just you know whenever i felt that i would have freaking started drinking yeah yeah yeah whatever so i'm glad that it happened later in life all right man well uh fucking good luck with the show man thank you man i appreciate it
Marc:That's our show.
Marc:I hope you dug that.
Marc:I did.
Marc:Jim's a great guy.
Marc:And check out his stuff.
Marc:What else?
Marc:Go to WTFPod.com.
Marc:You can pre-order the book.
Marc:You can buy some merch.
Marc:You can kick in a few shekels.
Marc:You can get on the mailing list.
Marc:You can find out who's on the show.
Marc:You can comment.
Marc:There's no end.
Marc:You can get some JustCoffee.coop.
Marc:Let's do one of those.
Marc:I got some coffee.
Marc:Pow!
Marc:I just shipped my pants.
Marc:JustCoffee.coop, available at WTFPod.com.
Marc:I guess some people are saying Kmart ripped off my hook.
Marc:I looked at it.
Marc:I just shipped my pants.
Marc:It's clever.
Marc:I don't know if it's connected, but I appreciate that you people are being vigilant.
Marc:What else, my friends?
Marc:I don't know, man.
Marc:Heavy-hearted, still a little sick, but...
Marc:But we did okay.
Marc:Things are okay.
Marc:And again, my heart goes out to people of Boston or to anybody who has family there that was affected by this.
Marc:And to all of us.
Marc:We can transcend.
Marc:We will persevere.
Marc:The good outnumbers the bad.
Marc:And...
Marc:I think Patton wrote about that.
Marc:You got to put a nice piece out there.
Marc:But look, I hope everybody's okay.
Marc:I hope you and yours are okay.
Marc:And all right.
Marc:Well, there's no reason to drag this on.
Marc:Boomer lives.