Episode 37 - Bill Burr

Episode 37 • Released January 10, 2010 • Speakers detected

00:00:00Marc:Lock the gates!

00:00:07Guest 3:Are we doing this?

00:00:08Guest 3:Really?

00:00:08Guest 3:Wait for it.

00:00:09Guest 3:Are we doing this?

00:00:10Guest 3:Wait for it.

00:00:12Guest 3:Pow!

00:00:12Guest 3:What the fuck?

00:00:14Guest 3:And it's also, eh, what the fuck?

00:00:16Guest 3:What's wrong with me?

00:00:17Guest 3:It's time for WTF!

00:00:19Guest 3:What the fuck?

00:00:20Guest 3:With Mark Maron.

00:00:24Marc:Okay, let's do this.

00:00:25Marc:How's everybody doing?

00:00:26Marc:How are you, what the fuckers?

00:00:28Marc:Or might I say, if I could, because I actually got an email referring to my greeting, somebody suggested what the fucking ears.

00:00:37Marc:Kind of like it?

00:00:39Marc:Let me know what you think.

00:00:40Marc:I know you've gotten used to what the fuckers, but how about what's going on, what the fucking ears?

00:00:45Marc:I like that, because then we could make hats and

00:00:48Marc:For, you know, the you know, like like fucking ear hats.

00:00:51Marc:I guess I'm going on a Mouseketeer riff.

00:00:53Marc:I don't know what the hats would be, but what the fucking ears is kind of nice and it doesn't have any sort of derogatory messaging to it.

00:01:01Marc:Like what the fuckers fucker is not generally.

00:01:03Marc:Well, you can use it as like, hey, fucker, what's up?

00:01:06Marc:It's good to be here.

00:01:07Marc:It's good to be out in the garage.

00:01:08Marc:It's good to be talking to you people.

00:01:10Marc:Things have been going on, I guess.

00:01:12Marc:The ongoing problem with the Avatar movie.

00:01:15Marc:I've been getting a lot of flack, like, you know, that's contempt prior to investigation.

00:01:19Marc:Go see it.

00:01:19Marc:Don't judge it.

00:01:20Marc:Just on the money.

00:01:21Marc:Then someone sent me several emails about, would you use this model in judging other things?

00:01:27Marc:And he presented this big logical thing.

00:01:29Marc:I don't have time to read right now, but basically he was...

00:01:31Marc:Being a he was acting as whether he wants to or not as a an avatar stooge in the sense that he was coercing me into seeing the movie.

00:01:41Marc:And I may go do that.

00:01:42Marc:OK, I may go see the movie only because I don't want to be guilty of of contempt prior to investigation, even though the reason I'm not going is on principle around the money spent.

00:01:58Marc:And it's a cultural indicator.

00:01:59Marc:I'll talk about it later.

00:02:00Marc:Maybe I'll talk about it Thursday.

00:02:02Marc:I don't want to go into it now.

00:02:03Marc:Thank you for all the feedback on that.

00:02:05Marc:Thank you for all the feedback about the porn episode.

00:02:08Marc:A lot of people were very moved by it.

00:02:09Marc:A lot of people resonated with some of the issues I was talking about around porn with my buddy, almost Dr. Steve, who I will also come, you know, have back on the show to sort of respond to some of those emails.

00:02:20Marc:So look forward to that because he is a real guy.

00:02:23Marc:He's not a fake guy.

00:02:24Marc:He's a real therapist.

00:02:26Marc:And people were interested.

00:02:27Marc:I always seem to be dealing with some issues that people wanted to talk about.

00:02:31Marc:So we will have him back to answer one question to one listener who asked me what Dana D'Armond was wearing.

00:02:38Marc:She was dressed normally.

00:02:40Marc:She did not come in spiked heels wearing Victoria's Secret or something higher end.

00:02:45Marc:She came dressed as a girl coming to sit down and talk.

00:02:50Marc:T-shirt, jeans, that kind of thing.

00:02:52Marc:I know I talked to some of you, to all of you, any of you who are listening about the size of my tweeter dick, my tweener, as somebody said on Twitter.

00:03:01Marc:And I'm OK with it.

00:03:03Marc:I'm starting to realize that a lot of the people that listen to this show may be grownups, may not Twitter, may not have time for it, may not want to deal with that.

00:03:12Marc:I understand.

00:03:13Marc:Thank you for those of you who, who got on board at Mark Marin, one word at Twitter or WTF pod, uh, at Twitter, uh, because I do use it.

00:03:21Marc:I do put stuff out there.

00:03:23Marc:So if you want to get on board with that, you're welcome.

00:03:24Marc:But I felt a little small about it.

00:03:26Marc:Now I felt small about feeling small about being on Twitter.

00:03:29Marc:I, I am consumed with, with bullshit today in the sense that I comedy central now has me on their site on their big comedy showdown thing.

00:03:39Marc:Now I gotta be honest with you.

00:03:40Marc:The, the,

00:03:41Marc:The whole comedy showdown thing is basically something I think they do every year.

00:03:46Marc:They put a bunch of half hour specials up there and they basically see who votes for who.

00:03:52Marc:And it's a it's a popularity contest, but it's also a big social networking event.

00:03:57Marc:Now, I sort of got myself on there because I was kind of pissed off that I wasn't on there.

00:04:02Marc:Now, here's what embarrassed me about the whole thing.

00:04:04Marc:I'm a 46-year-old man.

00:04:06Marc:I'll be honest about that.

00:04:08Marc:But it seems to me that inside, I am a fucking child, a teenager, that I have moments where I think, hey, I'm accepting my age.

00:04:16Marc:I'm accepting the fact that certain things aren't going to happen, that I don't need to compete on certain levels, that I can let some things go and enjoy my life.

00:04:24Marc:On another level...

00:04:26Marc:Whatever year it is in a row, they didn't include me in this contest.

00:04:30Marc:I was furious.

00:04:30Marc:It's like, what do I got to do?

00:04:31Marc:I've done two half hour specials with them.

00:04:34Marc:I know it's just a stupid popularity contest.

00:04:36Marc:I know it's just about generating more hits for them.

00:04:39Marc:I don't get anything out of it.

00:04:41Marc:There's no prize other than they run my Comedy Central presents again.

00:04:44Marc:But I was just pissed off that I wasn't included at the party.

00:04:47Marc:So I wrote Comedy Central an email and I said, why am I not included at the party?

00:04:51Marc:Who randomly chose these out of the hundreds of Comedy Central presents that you've done?

00:04:55Marc:I just I was embarrassed about it because what is that part of me that still feels left out that still requires to you know I need to be included why am I the outside guy who the fuck is deciding this what why why am I not included why can't I be part of the group.

00:05:12Marc:When does that shit go away?

00:05:14Marc:I felt bad because I don't even it's not even that I care that much.

00:05:18Marc:I mean, what difference does it make?

00:05:20Marc:Most of you people out there don't even get involved with this.

00:05:24Marc:And the younger people that I have listening to me are a very special type of younger person.

00:05:29Marc:You're the kind of person that I was when I was a teenager, you know, alienated, angry, a little smarter than the rest of them in terms of like you realize a lot of stuff is bullshit.

00:05:39Marc:And you find some solace in knowing that, hey, this old guy still seems to think like me.

00:05:44Marc:I don't know what that means for me, but I'm glad you're listening.

00:05:49Marc:But that aside, if you go to comedians dot jokes dot com slash stand up dash showdown, you can vote for me.

00:05:59Marc:I'm not going to win.

00:06:00Marc:I don't have the reach out that some people do.

00:06:03Marc:I don't even want to win.

00:06:04Marc:I just wanted to be included.

00:06:05Marc:And quite honestly, I've got enough votes there to know that I've been included.

00:06:09Marc:But you could do that if you want.

00:06:11Marc:Another thing I want to start plugging, if I could, I need to plug it now.

00:06:16Marc:I'm doing a pilot for Comedy Central called WTF.

00:06:19Marc:It is not essentially this show.

00:06:21Marc:It is a different type of show.

00:06:23Marc:I have a co-host who you will hear from on this show shortly named Chelsea Peretti, a very funny woman.

00:06:29Marc:It has several different segments.

00:06:30Marc:It's a different show than what I'm doing here, but it does have the same title.

00:06:34Marc:But we are taping a live pilot presentation.

00:06:37Marc:thursday january 28th at 7 o'clock p.m at the comedy central stage and that's at the hudson theater here in los angeles at 6539 santa monica boulevard uh you get the only way i know that you can get reservations is if you call so if you're available and in la to come to this pilot i'd love to have you

00:06:57Marc:Thursday, January 28th at 7 p.m.

00:06:59Marc:You call 323-960-5519 for reservations for WTF, the Comedy Central Pilot presentation with Marc Maron and Chelsea Peretti.

00:07:11Marc:That's 323-960-5519.

00:07:15Marc:That's January 28th.

00:07:16Marc:It's a Thursday at 7 o'clock.

00:07:18Marc:If you can do that, do it.

00:07:20Marc:Come on down.

00:07:21Marc:Now we're going to sit down with my buddy Billy Burr.

00:07:24Marc:bill burr i'm sorry i knew him when he was billy i'm gonna have to talk to him about that uh bill bill burr is hilarious and he's one of these guys that has only gotten funnier and i love watching him he's one of the few comics that i watch and go shit i wish i had thought of that so i'm really looking forward to talking to billy and i bill we'll have to deal with that but i hope you enjoy it as well

00:07:59Marc:Talking about taking up guitar.

00:08:01Marc:Well, the skateboarding thing is, there's certain things if you don't do... Have you already begun this, by the way?

00:08:06Guest 2:We're kind of easing into it.

00:08:07Guest 2:That's actually a really interesting way to start a podcast, like mid-conversation, let people catch up.

00:08:11Marc:Well, right, because then, you know, you see, you're undermining the...

00:08:16Marc:The process, Bill.

00:08:18Marc:Yeah.

00:08:18Marc:Because what happens is you forget that you're doing it, and then all of a sudden we're in the middle of a conversation.

00:08:22Guest 2:Oh, I see.

00:08:23Guest 2:I was going to say, you should just have the record button on, and just as you're walking in, you just see there's people getting close.

00:08:29Guest 2:Yeah, he's coming in.

00:08:30Guest 2:I don't know what the fucking deal is.

00:08:31Guest 2:So anyways.

00:08:32Guest 2:Health care.

00:08:34Marc:What's up with that?

00:08:36Marc:Well, you know, I actually had a mic planted in your car yesterday, so this is going to be a great episode.

00:08:41Marc:My guest in the garage here at the Cat Ranch in the barrio is Bill Burr, formerly Billy Burr.

00:08:48Guest 2:Formerly, yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:08:49Guest 2:You know something?

00:08:50Guest 2:I was always Bill...

00:08:51Guest 2:right up until I got into showbiz and some people got in my head like, it doesn't flow together.

00:08:57Guest 2:You should go by William or whatever.

00:08:58Guest 2:So I kind of listened to him.

00:08:59Guest 2:And for probably like four years, I went by Billy and every time somebody said it, I cringed.

00:09:05Guest 2:I don't know how Billy Crystal does it.

00:09:06Guest 2:As a man...

00:09:07Guest 2:Billy, yeah.

00:09:09Guest 2:If you didn't grow up with it, but someone talked you into that.

00:09:11Guest 2:But I was Billy when I was a little kid.

00:09:13Guest 2:If you're a little kid, a little kid is Billy.

00:09:15Guest 2:And anytime a comedian does a joke and there's a little kid that they're talking to, it's like, oh, let me tell you something, Billy.

00:09:21Guest 2:Yeah, it's always Billy.

00:09:22Marc:Well, that's interesting because that goes back to what we were just talking about.

00:09:25Marc:Maybe when you were Billy, you would have taken up guitar or skateboarding without being self-conscious.

00:09:30Marc:Yeah.

00:09:31Marc:Well, that's because that's what we're talking about.

00:09:32Guest 2:I wasn't self-conscious until I got in an argument with my fucking neighbor down below me.

00:09:36Marc:All right, this happened today.

00:09:38Guest 2:No, this happened like two, three days ago.

00:09:40Guest 2:About guitar playing?

00:09:41Guest 2:No, it turned into that.

00:09:43Guest 2:It got ugly.

00:09:44Guest 2:What happened?

00:09:45Guest 2:All right, so I live in this old building, and there's no insulation in it whatsoever.

00:09:50Guest 2:I've been sitting on my couch late at night and feeling like I'm the only person in the world, and all of a sudden you just hear like...

00:09:57Guest 2:You see somebody clear their throat and they sound like they're on the couch with you, like the place is fucking haunted.

00:10:02Guest 2:And they're literally across the courtyard.

00:10:04Guest 2:I don't know if it's the acoustics.

00:10:06Guest 2:I don't know what it is.

00:10:07Guest 2:So everything's fucking loud as hell in there.

00:10:09Guest 2:So we live above this old guy, the classic old guy you don't want to be.

00:10:13Guest 2:Living alone, not even, you know, no pets.

00:10:15Guest 2:Yeah.

00:10:15Guest 2:Blinds pulled.

00:10:16Guest 2:You don't even know what the fuck he does.

00:10:17Guest 2:Right.

00:10:18Guest 2:And he's always like, he's really sarcastic.

00:10:21Guest 2:Yeah.

00:10:21Guest 2:Like if you drop something, you know, because there's gravity, you drop something.

00:10:25Guest 2:You just hear him like muffled downstairs.

00:10:26Guest 2:You just hear...

00:10:27Guest 2:Do it again.

00:10:29Guest 2:Oh, no.

00:10:29Guest 2:Like that.

00:10:30Guest 2:He's doing that.

00:10:30Guest 2:How could he live in a place that's got that thin a situation going on?

00:10:33Guest 2:It's fucking ridiculous.

00:10:35Guest 2:Oh, keep it up.

00:10:37Guest 2:Oh, shit.

00:10:37Guest 2:He does that.

00:10:38Guest 2:So I think it's funny.

00:10:39Guest 2:If he says do it again, I do it again.

00:10:41Guest 2:You know, comedian.

00:10:42Guest 2:I don't give a shit.

00:10:43Guest 2:But my girlfriend, maybe because it's a guy, she feels bullied by him.

00:10:46Guest 2:So like two months ago, she tells me, you know, you really need to go down there and talk to this guy.

00:10:50Guest 2:You need to talk to this guy.

00:10:51Guest 2:Man up.

00:10:52Guest 2:No, dude.

00:10:53Guest 2:Man up would be if it was- Me?

00:10:55Guest 2:We're the same age.

00:10:56Guest 2:Yeah, right, right.

00:10:56Guest 2:How old is this guy?

00:10:57Guest 1:Dude, I don't know.

00:10:59Guest 2:I was joking on my podcast that he tested for McHale's Navy.

00:11:03Guest 2:That's how old he is.

00:11:04Guest 2:He's an old guy.

00:11:06Guest 2:So it's like, what am I going to do?

00:11:08Guest 2:I'm going to go down there.

00:11:09Guest 2:And what is going to come of this?

00:11:11Guest 2:I don't want to do this shit.

00:11:12Guest 2:So yesterday, two, three days ago, it's the end of Christmas.

00:11:15Guest 2:I'm dragging my Christmas tree down.

00:11:16Guest 2:It's like 10 in the fucking morning.

00:11:18Guest 2:Legally, I could start building a house at 7 a.m.

00:11:20Guest 2:I'm bringing a tree down, and he comes out, and then sarcastic is hell.

00:11:24Guest 2:To the point, I didn't even get it, but he's had this bizarre look on his face.

00:11:27Guest 2:He just goes, what did he say?

00:11:28Guest 2:He said, beautiful morning, isn't it?

00:11:32Guest 2:Like, yelled at him, and I was looking at him like...

00:11:35Guest 2:Like, what the fuck?

00:11:38Guest 2:Is this guy out of his mind?

00:11:39Guest 2:And then I realized, oh, he's being sarcastic.

00:11:40Guest 2:Oh, he heard the tree coming down.

00:11:42Guest 2:So I'm like, whatever.

00:11:43Guest 2:And I go in the house and my girl's like, oh, he was yelling again.

00:11:45Guest 2:Go down there and talk to him.

00:11:46Guest 2:So I'm like, fine.

00:11:47Guest 2:You want me to talk to him?

00:11:47Guest 2:So I go down there and I go down to talk to the guy.

00:11:49Guest 2:And as I start walking up his walk, he's sitting there and I see like this little kind of look of fear on his face.

00:11:55Guest 2:And I didn't go down there to have an argument.

00:11:57Guest 2:And I was just like, listen, man, you're always yelling up there.

00:12:00Guest 2:What is the problem?

00:12:01Guest 2:And it sounded like she dropped a brick.

00:12:03Guest 2:And he just starts screaming at me.

00:12:05Guest 2:I go, look, we have hardwood floors.

00:12:07Guest 2:Look, I kept going, I came down here to work it out.

00:12:09Guest 2:And he goes, what does that mean?

00:12:11Guest 2:What is that, some sort of hip new saying?

00:12:13Guest 2:I swear to God.

00:12:14Guest 2:So I kept my cool, and I kept going like, dude, I'm just coming down here to blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, right?

00:12:20Guest 2:And he just kept yelling at me.

00:12:21Guest 2:Then at one point, he made a reference to my bad guitar playing.

00:12:24Guest 2:As sarcastic as hell, he goes, how's your band?

00:12:28Guest 2:And then he goes, then he goes, then he goes,

00:12:30Guest 2:This little laugh, right?

00:12:33Guest 2:No.

00:12:34Guest 2:No, I mean, I swear to God, if there is an afterlife, I want kudos on this because I immediately want to be like, how's your fucking life?

00:12:41Guest 2:Yeah, yeah.

00:12:41Guest 2:How's your fucking life, really?

00:12:42Guest 2:Is it what you dream of?

00:12:44Guest 2:You didn't do it?

00:12:44Guest 2:Yeah, who's your last roommate?

00:12:46Guest 2:You didn't say it?

00:12:47Guest 2:Fucking Larry Howard.

00:12:48Guest 2:You fucking asshole.

00:12:50Guest 2:No, because I have a line.

00:12:52Guest 2:I don't yell at old people.

00:12:53Guest 2:I don't.

00:12:53Guest 2:Sorry.

00:12:54Guest 2:That's what he said.

00:12:54Guest 2:He goes, how's your guitar?

00:12:55Guest 2:And that's what fucking kills me is it really hurt my feelings because that was outside the realm of comedy.

00:13:00Guest 2:So I don't have musician walls built up.

00:13:02Guest 2:Yeah, he hurt your feelings.

00:13:04Guest 2:Oh, he got in.

00:13:05Guest 2:He got in.

00:13:05Guest 2:Oh, he got in.

00:13:06Guest 2:He got in.

00:13:07Guest 2:He fucking gave me an uppercut right to my feelings.

00:13:09Guest 2:Oh.

00:13:09Guest 2:And he always even worked because then I came upstairs and my girlfriend was standing on the balcony listening to all... She wants to go at it with the guy and I just... I just, you know, I got lines.

00:13:18Guest 2:But what happened though?

00:13:20Guest 2:So what happened was I found the worst thing I just said to him.

00:13:22Guest 2:I didn't even say you're a jerk.

00:13:23Guest 2:I just said, you know what?

00:13:24Guest 2:You're being a jerk right now.

00:13:25Guest 2:I came down here and you're just being a jerk.

00:13:27Guest 2:And I walked away and...

00:13:30Guest 2:And I just, I left it at that.

00:13:32Guest 2:And, you know, of course, everybody listening to my podcast was like, dude, you know what I would have done?

00:13:37Guest 2:I would have fucking got a paint gun.

00:13:38Guest 2:No, you wouldn't have.

00:13:39Guest 2:You wouldn't have.

00:13:40Guest 2:You wouldn't have.

00:13:40Guest 2:Or people tell me to stomp around my apartment.

00:13:42Guest 2:Oh, that's great.

00:13:42Guest 2:And play the TV real loud.

00:13:44Guest 2:Oh, great.

00:13:44Guest 2:So I actually piss off all the sane people in my building.

00:13:47Marc:You know, what's weird is that with those kinds of situations, yeah, the fact is you could be as nice as fucking hell to the guy and he still won't change.

00:13:55Marc:And it's only going to be for you.

00:13:57Marc:You know, but sometimes if you're nice and you make gestures, sometimes they do have a level of understanding.

00:14:03Guest 2:He's probably angry.

00:14:03Guest 2:I think what I should have done was I should have made a gesture a while ago and I didn't.

00:14:07Guest 2:And now the first time we've acted, first time we've ever really talked.

00:14:10Guest 2:It's a confrontation.

00:14:10Guest 2:It's a conference.

00:14:11Guest 2:I think it's over.

00:14:12Guest 2:You know, it's like it's at that horrific.

00:14:14Guest 2:Like if you get in an army with a girl to that level on a first date, there's no second date.

00:14:18Guest 2:No.

00:14:18Guest 2:You can't bring the flowers.

00:14:20Marc:Not unless they're sick.

00:14:21Marc:So with me, there's usually a third and a fourth date and eventually a marriage.

00:14:25Marc:So I don't know how that works for you.

00:14:26Marc:But in my experience, if you get into a really good argument on the first date, you might marry her.

00:14:31Marc:I didn't have that experience.

00:14:32Marc:But back when I lived in Astoria.

00:14:33Guest 2:Oh, because you consider like this great intellectual back and forth.

00:14:36Guest 2:Well, whatever it is, it's drama.

00:14:38Guest 2:And sometimes that feels like feelings.

00:14:40Marc:you know drama and then they're crazy so the sex is great and you're like this is awesome yeah yeah you you've just you've built an entire relationship that's that's completely draining and is completely emotionally disconnected yeah you just described my 30s and my late 20s i'm glad you got out of it i'm still trying but getting back on that my experience with that was when i lived in astoria i had neighbors the i all i knew was the guy was an emt he had a family over there

00:15:05Marc:You know, he's a real dude, you know, Latino guy.

00:15:07Marc:I only saw him once or twice, never met him.

00:15:10Marc:Here's how I met that guy.

00:15:11Marc:I used to get in fights with my ex-wife, you know, before we were married and she was over there and we were fighting and it was bad, right?

00:15:19Marc:Ignoring all red flags, just plowing ahead.

00:15:21Marc:Oh yeah, this is before I married, right.

00:15:23Marc:So all of a sudden, dude, all of a sudden I hear a knock on the door, like urgent.

00:15:27Marc:And I'm like, what the fuck?

00:15:29Marc:So I open the door.

00:15:30Marc:I'm standing at the door.

00:15:31Marc:My wife's in the hallway a little further down.

00:15:33Marc:It's my neighbor.

00:15:34Marc:Looks right past me.

00:15:36Marc:Looks at her and goes, everything okay here?

00:15:39Marc:Oh no.

00:15:41Marc:Yeah.

00:15:41Marc:He handled you like a wife.

00:15:42Marc:Oh, that's right.

00:15:43Marc:That's right.

00:15:44Marc:Have you, have you ever had that happen?

00:15:46Marc:Cause that was like one of my bigger fears that, you know, when you get into a sort of predicament and their honor is at stake that you're not going to do the right thing.

00:15:53Guest 2:I've had that a couple of times, but I've been able to talk myself out of it.

00:15:56Guest 2:Like I'm, I'm not like a, uh, I'm one of those guys.

00:15:59Guest 2:Like I feel like I could have been a great fighter.

00:16:02Guest 4:Yeah.

00:16:02Guest 2:Like, and not like, like UFC, but like as far as hold your own, I could have been right.

00:16:07Guest 2:I just never went down.

00:16:09Guest 2:that road i just you know i had four brothers we used to kick the shit out of each other every day and the shit my older brother did to me i kind of got psyched out when i went into public because i was like you know my brother has to answer to my dad yeah when he comes home this fucking guy doesn't i

00:16:24Guest 2:I used to have a line in my act.

00:16:25Guest 2:I used to say, you know, when it really comes down to it, you know, 90% of people won't throw a punch.

00:16:30Guest 2:That's the funniest thing.

00:16:31Guest 2:That's, oh yeah, there's all this fucking, you know, posturing and charging.

00:16:33Guest 2:Oh yeah, a lot of dancing.

00:16:35Guest 2:Yeah, but that other 10% will bite your ear off.

00:16:38Guest 2:And that's what you're worried about.

00:16:39Guest 2:And it really gets to the point where it's just like your brawling days are during those days when you can't get sued, which I don't think exists anymore.

00:16:48Guest 2:Because at this point in third grade, you can fuck up somebody else in the third grade.

00:16:52Guest 2:And you can go to adult prison.

00:16:53Guest 2:No, the parents end up getting sued.

00:16:55Guest 2:Right.

00:16:55Guest 2:Somehow they get sued.

00:16:56Guest 2:Oh, yeah.

00:16:57Marc:With dogs, kids, everything.

00:16:58Guest 2:I mean, like when I say I didn't have fights, I mean, I stopped around junior high because other kids started growing.

00:17:02Guest 2:And then all of a sudden I wasn't growing because I was one of the bigger kids.

00:17:05Guest 4:Yeah.

00:17:05Guest 2:Like I was supposed to be born June 10th, 1968.

00:17:08Guest 2:And I was, and I was a 10 pound baby dude.

00:17:10Guest 2:And there was not one cute picture of me.

00:17:12Guest 2:I was a huge, I was like a fucking sandbag.

00:17:16Guest 2:A little red hair, massive flesh.

00:17:17Guest 2:If you had a hundred thousand of me, you could have stopped that flood in New Orleans.

00:17:21Guest 2:Yeah.

00:17:21Guest 2:just stacked up little billy burrs jumpers yeah my big charlie brown head dude and i had god to the army of billy burrs yeah new orleans has been saved and i had that big baby fat right up until like fucking like sixth grade and then people started shooting up and then i i wasn't and then it was like the kids i used to pick on and shit all of a sudden were bigger than me then i had to go with humor yeah yeah yeah so you didn't have to pay the price oh whatever you did in junior high or whatever the hell you did it

00:17:46Guest 2:so what so you gotten into a couple scraps scrapes when i was growing up i did yeah like the classic suburban white kid uh street hockey games fought this fucking kid and another buddy of mine's birthday parties and he would do it he was literally like a fucking foot taller than me he's one of the biggest kids in the grade and he played hockey so he was like psycho competitive this is my version of course yeah i'm sure he was like i barely i barely looked at him and he flipped out yeah

00:18:11Guest 2:You know, just the usual.

00:18:13Marc:The scrambling.

00:18:14Marc:I had a moment that I'll never forget.

00:18:15Marc:Like I was driving.

00:18:16Marc:I don't remember.

00:18:16Marc:I must have been in college or something.

00:18:18Marc:Or maybe in high school even.

00:18:20Marc:And I was driving down the street with another buddy in high school.

00:18:22Marc:And we saw some kids, like young kids, like, you know, third or fourth graders about to throw down.

00:18:26Marc:Something was going on.

00:18:27Guest 2:Oh, that's great.

00:18:28Marc:Did you put money on it?

00:18:29Marc:There was one really wiry kid that looked like the problem.

00:18:32Marc:Then there was a chubby kid.

00:18:34Marc:And we pulled up to see what was going on.

00:18:36Marc:No, because my first thought was we're adults.

00:18:40Guest 2:If I had to guess, I would pick the wiry kid.

00:18:42Marc:Well, here's what the horrible thing was about it.

00:18:46Marc:Because I identified with the fat kid.

00:18:48Marc:I was a fat kid.

00:18:49Marc:And I was always funny and very diplomatic.

00:18:52Marc:So we stopped.

00:18:54Marc:And my buddy who I was with was an asshole.

00:18:56Marc:He wanted the fight to happen.

00:18:58Marc:So we're there.

00:18:59Marc:It's not even good cop, bad cop.

00:19:00Marc:My buddy's going, you know, like, are you going to kick his ass?

00:19:03Marc:How old are you?

00:19:04Marc:We're in like high school, probably seniors in high school.

00:19:07Marc:And these kids must have been fourth grade, third grade.

00:19:09Guest 1:Wow.

00:19:10Marc:So, so, so like, and I'm like, dude, we shouldn't, don't fight.

00:19:14Marc:You know, it's not a good idea.

00:19:16Marc:Don't fight.

00:19:16Marc:And the fat kid, like, you know, he's nervous.

00:19:18Marc:I can tell he's nervous.

00:19:19Marc:And the little guy wants to hit him.

00:19:21Marc:And the fat kid looks at him, he's like, hey, you know what?

00:19:24Marc:I'll make you a deal.

00:19:25Marc:You know, Johnny, you know, Johnny, he's going to kick my ass tomorrow.

00:19:30Marc:So why don't you guys both do it tomorrow?

00:19:32Marc:You know, instead of do it.

00:19:33Marc:Oh, my God.

00:19:35Marc:He was negotiating.

00:19:36Marc:And I'm like, he just bought himself another date.

00:19:38Marc:I thought it was kind of genius.

00:19:40Marc:Because that's sort of something I would say.

00:19:41Marc:It's like, all right, I got another day to get out of this.

00:19:45Guest 2:I'll be all numbed up from the first ass kick and I won't even feel the second one.

00:19:49Marc:He'll probably weasel his way out of the other fights.

00:19:50Marc:I mean, I wish I had gotten into at least a few fights.

00:19:54Marc:I've always been like a verbally, you know, I'll spar like that.

00:19:58Guest 2:Dude, it isn't fucking.

00:19:59Guest 2:I mean, I got my ass kicked at- I'm not asking anyone to kick my ass, by the way.

00:20:03Marc:Do not come to one of my shows.

00:20:04Guest 2:You don't want to.

00:20:05Guest 2:That's why I stopped fighting.

00:20:06Guest 2:I fought and I would fight anybody right up to about sixth to seventh grade.

00:20:11Guest 2:And then I saw this one fight.

00:20:13Guest 2:where it was, I never name names, okay?

00:20:16Guest 2:But these two kids are going to get off the bus.

00:20:18Guest 2:One kid is like that kid who's already lifting in seventh and eighth grade and he has a body of a man.

00:20:23Guest 2:And then all of a sudden when you're senior, somehow he's still five foot one.

00:20:27Guest 2:He's that guy, right?

00:20:28Guest 2:But in junior high, he's the Hulk.

00:20:30Guest 2:This kid was fucking huge.

00:20:31Guest 2:And the other kid was sort of big, baby, fat, baby Huey looking dude, but he was a fucking psycho.

00:20:36Guest 2:So the junior high Hulk is getting off first and right as they get off the bus,

00:20:41Guest 2:The psycho pushed him from behind, jumped on him, got on his chest, and just fucking haymakers to the face.

00:20:49Guest 1:Rock him, sock him.

00:20:51Guest 2:Like, it was like, everybody went like, it was like unbelievable, like excitement, and then just horror.

00:20:58Guest 2:It was like, ah!

00:20:59Guest 2:Ugh!

00:21:00Guest 2:And you just fucking looked away, dude.

00:21:01Guest 2:And that kid didn't show up to school for a week.

00:21:04Guest 2:And when he came back, his face was still swollen and he didn't even look like himself.

00:21:08Guest 2:And I remember just thinking like, you know what, dude?

00:21:11Guest 2:I'm not a fighter, man.

00:21:12Guest 2:I don't have that in me to take that or do that.

00:21:15Guest 2:There's like a fucking... The same way a mentality to become a comedian.

00:21:18Guest 2:And you have to...

00:21:19Guest 2:You got to make peace with yourself as a man that, dude, you're not the action hero guy.

00:21:24Guest 2:You're just fucking not.

00:21:25Guest 2:And, you know, what's going to happen?

00:21:26Marc:But, like, have you been in situations, though, where, like, you know, when we started this conversation about where you're with your wife or, I mean, your girlfriend and something happens and you got to step up?

00:21:36Marc:Pryor used to do a great joke about that, about the whole sort of, like, run.

00:21:39Marc:You know, it's like, yeah, come on.

00:21:42Marc:You start running behind me.

00:21:43Marc:I don't remember what the joke was, but I remember it was ballsy of him to do it.

00:21:46Marc:Cause I watched that special every once in a while, the first one.

00:21:49Marc:And just the idea that he undercuts that whole idea of like, you're going to have to step up and defend your girl's honor.

00:21:55Guest 2:He's ready to run.

00:21:56Marc:It's a stupid thing to do.

00:21:57Guest 2:yeah but how are you gonna walk away from that because this is the thing i understand why women want you to do that yeah but they gotta understand why you shouldn't there's a classic fucking story i remember one time they uh they picked this guy up who fucking killed two old people in massachusetts they picked him up midtown manhattan you know what he was doing he was handing out those uh those those flyers to take the double decker bus tour right yeah sure around manhattan yeah that guy yeah

00:22:22Guest 2:Okay.

00:22:22Guest 2:Now that's the kind of guy you get into an argument with.

00:22:25Guest 2:Right.

00:22:25Guest 2:I don't want to take the fucking bus door.

00:22:27Guest 2:And then you're going to throw down with this because guys is wanted for two murders.

00:22:30Guest 2:You don't fucking know that.

00:22:31Marc:That's right.

00:22:31Guest 2:You don't know it.

00:22:32Guest 2:Yeah.

00:22:33Guest 2:So there's, there's all of that shit.

00:22:35Guest 2:Like I totally made peace with that.

00:22:36Guest 2:I'm just like, dude, I'm not a brawler.

00:22:38Guest 2:I would get raped in prison.

00:22:39Guest 2:I get my fucking ass kicked by any, I would really like, unless it was a brother, brother kind of fight.

00:22:45Guest 2:Like if they fought the way my brothers fought, I could do the dual headlock.

00:22:49Guest 2:right you know that that well usually those fights ended when someone cried right uh yeah no they it it it was all based on who cries like when my brother once they were crying it was done i had one one time i had a fight with my brother and was when we were getting we were getting too big to fight and my dad came in to break it up and uh as he broke it up like a fucking nhl ref and i was like a goon i gave him one over the shoulder caught him right in the

00:23:14Guest 2:your brother and it was like like some movies some movie studio should have recorded the sound because it was the classic punch in the face just that pop that fucking yeah flesh sound and i was i remember thinking like wow it really does sound like that because we usually didn't hit in the face and i fucking got him with a good one and i swear to god dude 12 years

00:23:33Guest 2:12 years after that we would be out drinking yeah, and there would be a moment in his drunkenness what I would I would feel him sizing me up And I'd be sitting there going like there's no fucking way.

00:23:44Guest 2:He's still mad at this There's no way so one night I'm drinking with another one of my brothers and he starts bringing up You know how I used to fight my older brother got mad because I finally beat him at some point You fought like you didn't even fucking know me.

00:23:56Guest 2:I was like dude

00:23:57Guest 2:Fuck, you used to fucking throw me down the stairs.

00:23:59Guest 2:What are you talking about?

00:23:59Guest 2:There's no rug there either.

00:24:01Guest 2:And then someone brought my younger brother, and it's like, you know, I just kind of threw it out there to test.

00:24:06Guest 2:They go, he thinks I don't know, but I know.

00:24:08Guest 2:I know he's testing me.

00:24:09Guest 2:And I just waited.

00:24:10Guest 2:My brother's like, oh, yeah, oh, yeah.

00:24:12Guest 2:He talks about every time he gets drunk.

00:24:13Guest 2:No, he does not.

00:24:14Guest 2:Yeah, he did.

00:24:14Guest 2:So you still got an answer for that.

00:24:16Guest 2:No, no, no.

00:24:16Guest 2:It's over now.

00:24:17Guest 2:You sure?

00:24:17Guest 2:I think, dude, I'm 42.

00:24:21Guest 2:But the thing about it is I kept myself in good shape.

00:24:24Guest 2:So if he kicked my ass, he wouldn't feel sorry for me.

00:24:26Guest 2:My problem is I didn't let my body go, so I couldn't have that sad middle-aged.

00:24:29Guest 2:Right, right.

00:24:30Marc:Come on, man.

00:24:31Marc:But it's so funny that I just picture that moment where you just catch one.

00:24:35Marc:He catches you off guard.

00:24:36Marc:He pops.

00:24:36Marc:He goes, we're even.

00:24:39Marc:Even if it happened next week.

00:24:40Guest 2:If he did, I think I'd be all right.

00:24:43Guest 2:Depends on how good he got me and who was around.

00:24:46Marc:Well, I'm just happy.

00:24:47Marc:You're in good shape, but there was that period there where you were fucking nuts.

00:24:50Guest 2:Where I was what?

00:24:51Marc:You were a little nuts, I think.

00:24:54Marc:You were pretty emaciated, and you were like, I can do 900 pull-ups.

00:24:58Marc:Was I emaciated?

00:24:59Marc:You got pretty thin, man.

00:25:01Marc:I mean, you were fit, but do you remember that?

00:25:04Marc:I mean, what was going on?

00:25:04Marc:How long ago was that?

00:25:06Marc:Before you left New York, I just remember there was a time where you were like- Oh, yeah, yeah.

00:25:09Guest 2:And I didn't even know.

00:25:10Guest 2:Everybody was telling me, you look great.

00:25:11Guest 2:You look great.

00:25:11Guest 2:What I was trying to do was get back down.

00:25:14Guest 2:It was funny.

00:25:14Guest 2:I was trying to get back down to the weight when I had abs.

00:25:16Guest 2:But the thing is, once you lose your abs, if you just try to get down to that weight, you actually lose the muscle.

00:25:21Marc:I wasn't doing it right.

00:25:24Marc:Well, you get gaunt when you get older.

00:25:27Marc:Fucking Fitzsimmons made fun of me about that.

00:25:29Marc:Because I'm leaner than I think I've ever been, really.

00:25:32Marc:And I was going to the gym a lot.

00:25:34Marc:He goes, you look like one of those guys who's like 45 years old, but just runs.

00:25:38Marc:You've got that gaunt, weird face of someone who exercises too much.

00:25:42Marc:Greg always bringing the positivity.

00:25:44Guest 4:Yeah, that guy fucking...

00:25:46Marc:I go in there, and I just want to talk to him.

00:25:49Marc:I feel like we're on the same side.

00:25:51Marc:We think the same way.

00:25:51Marc:And all of a sudden, I'm like, why am I fighting?

00:25:53Marc:He just pounded me.

00:25:55Guest 2:Did he do that to you?

00:25:58Guest 2:You don't take it personal.

00:25:59Guest 2:I love Greg.

00:26:00Guest 2:I love Greg.

00:26:01Guest 2:Me too.

00:26:01Guest 2:But you've got to know that-

00:26:02Guest 2:Greg begins the conversation by sticking a mitt in your face.

00:26:07Guest 2:Right, but it's like- It's like Larry Holmes.

00:26:09Guest 2:He comes in like Larry Holmes.

00:26:10Guest 2:Big 15 ounce right in your face.

00:26:11Marc:But you think that you have the same opinion and he's arguing with you.

00:26:14Marc:It's the weirdest thing.

00:26:15Marc:He was arguing with me about, and we agreed.

00:26:19Marc:So you went to the dentist and your teeth are all right?

00:26:20Guest 2:Yeah, they're fine.

00:26:21Guest 2:They're fine.

00:26:22Guest 2:I'm worried about my teeth.

00:26:24Guest 2:Well, my dad is a dentist, so I kind of know the racket.

00:26:29Guest 2:I know the... We got to take full fucking x-rays.

00:26:32Guest 2:No, you don't.

00:26:33Guest 2:How are your gums?

00:26:33Guest 2:They're fine.

00:26:34Guest 2:Your gums good?

00:26:35Guest 2:I brush a little too hard, so they're trying... They actually talked me into buying this fucking electronic toothbrush.

00:26:40Guest 2:It was 100 bucks.

00:26:40Guest 2:Sonicare?

00:26:41Guest 2:Yeah, it sucks.

00:26:42Guest 2:You have a Sonicare?

00:26:43Guest 2:I don't know what it was, but all I know is it just stopped.

00:26:46Guest 2:It stopped working after a while if I didn't apply any pressure and then like, well, why don't you try this one?

00:26:51Guest 2:It's like, do you understand that you sold me a $100 toothbrush and it doesn't work?

00:26:54Guest 2:Why don't I just go back to the old one?

00:26:56Guest 2:And it's like, if I brush too hard and I brushed away a little bit of my gum, I don't brush on the gum.

00:27:01Guest 2:So whatever's...

00:27:02Marc:was there is gone and it's not going to go any further back go fuck yourselves yeah i i'm more my gums are fucked up they've always been fucked up because i think i brushed the out of them when i was a kid and then and then now like because my bite's weird you put too much pressure on one side and then they receive even more i would i would say definitely definitely

00:27:19Guest 2:Get a cleaning.

00:27:20Guest 2:Definitely stay on top of it.

00:27:21Guest 2:Brush and flush your teeth.

00:27:22Guest 2:But I will tell you this.

00:27:23Guest 2:Watch out with them trying to sell you on... What about water picks?

00:27:28Guest 2:Are they good?

00:27:29Guest 2:Dude, fuck.

00:27:30Guest 2:I have a water pick.

00:27:31Marc:I thought it was supposed to be good.

00:27:33Guest 2:Maybe it is.

00:27:33Marc:Maybe it is.

00:27:34Marc:I don't fucking know.

00:27:35Guest 2:Dude, if you brush your teeth... You're the son of a dentist.

00:27:37Marc:You have a license to be a practitioner.

00:27:40Guest 2:No, I don't.

00:27:41Guest 2:Would your father say a water pick is good?

00:27:43Guest 2:I don't know.

00:27:44Guest 2:Look, all I can tell you is you brush your teeth and you floss them, you know, then it comes down to genetics.

00:27:50Guest 2:You should pretty much be okay.

00:27:52Guest 2:And I got to tell you, with some of this shit I'm looking on the internet, the stuff that they're able to do now is fucking incredible.

00:27:58Guest 2:So I don't even need my teeth.

00:27:59Guest 2:I had a buddy of mine.

00:28:00Guest 2:No.

00:28:01Guest 2:Oh, yeah.

00:28:01Guest 2:Just get new teeth.

00:28:02Guest 2:Well, the way it's going with these bankers, you're going to be- Oh, shit.

00:28:05Guest 2:I knew it was going to come to that.

00:28:06Guest 2:You're going to be chewing their food for them.

00:28:07Guest 2:Now, a buddy of mine, 41 years old, I'm riding around.

00:28:11Guest 2:He's got this handicapped-

00:28:14Guest 2:you know thing hanging from the mirror and he's looking for handicap park and going to a basketball game like what the fuck's he got this but he got hip replacement surgery at 41 why i guess he because he could no hereditary and then uh he he had a really good time when he was younger which evidently dries out the the cartilage and shit so that's a really good time but he need yeah he needed uh he needed it like seven years ago

00:28:38Guest 2:And the guy actually told him to wait.

00:28:39Guest 2:He goes, just wait the way they're developing stuff.

00:28:41Guest 2:Just wait, because the ones we have now are only good for this amount and you can only get two of them.

00:28:46Guest 2:So you'll basically be in a wheelchair by the time you're in your 60s.

00:28:49Guest 2:By the time he did it now, like, I mean, he was up and walking around like within a month.

00:28:53Marc:My dad, my dad's a he was a practicing surgeon.

00:28:57Marc:Now he's sort of a GP, but he does that shit.

00:29:00Marc:He does hip replacement.

00:29:01Marc:I remember one time, I don't know if it's the same with a dentist, but my old man, I'm a kid.

00:29:06Marc:He's like, you know, you want to come down in the hospital with me?

00:29:08Marc:I got to look at a film about how to do this new operation.

00:29:12Marc:I'm like, that sounds great.

00:29:13Marc:I had no idea what the fuck he did.

00:29:16Marc:And we'd sit in this movie, dude.

00:29:18Marc:Oh,

00:29:18Marc:they they take a guy they cut him open at the hip there's saws hammers they actually nails and i'm like holy fuck they actually didn't they they they actually saw off the top of the back in the day yeah i mean i mean literally i'm like what are they gonna do with that stuff how are they gonna put that fucking guy back together because it gave me this whole new you know what did they do back in the day they took like a third of the pelvis off and then part of the femur and then they just stuck this plastic thing even if

00:29:44Marc:it was a replacement i think that you gotta you know my fear was you know when you get a new thing in a box and it's got instructions and if you fuck it up it's fucked up right you know you got to return it or whatever you can't get the piece on you missed a piece you broke a piece right this guy's they're cutting off pieces of people's bone throwing them away and that's it you know like that's it yeah that's why you have to watch out these fucking dentists man dentists are just like comedians oh yeah so the same thing

00:30:09Guest 2:In that, you know, you go down to a comedy club, you watch 10 comics.

00:30:12Guest 2:Two of them are really good.

00:30:13Guest 2:Another seven are trying to be those two.

00:30:15Guest 2:And then there's this one like, dude, whoever fucking told you that you should be in this business.

00:30:20Guest 2:And I swear to God, straight across the board.

00:30:22Guest 2:I don't give a salesman, dentist, anything.

00:30:25Guest 2:I worked with dentists who were fucking great.

00:30:26Guest 2:And then I met other dentists who had car payments and teeth got filled.

00:30:31Guest 2:Yeah.

00:30:32Guest 2:Like, you got to understand, you take an oath.

00:30:34Guest 2:Is there a teeth oath?

00:30:37Guest 2:No, I know it seems ridiculous.

00:30:39Guest 2:The Hippocratic Oath?

00:30:44Guest 2:Talking about dentists, but you're taking away a part of somebody's body that doesn't need to be taken away.

00:30:48Guest 2:And if you fill a tooth that doesn't need to be filled, now you've cut into the natural structure and you've gotten closer to the nerve.

00:30:57Guest 2:Now if this person doesn't brush their teeth well, you could create this guy to have a fucking...

00:31:01Guest 2:a root canal, or if he doesn't even deal with that, it has to have an extraction.

00:31:04Guest 2:And there's all this shit that happens when you have a tooth come out.

00:31:07Guest 2:The reason why you got to have another one put in there is because the teeth on either side of it will come closer together.

00:31:12Guest 2:And the one underneath it will erupt up to fill the space naturally.

00:31:17Guest 2:Oh, the depths.

00:31:18Guest 2:Yeah.

00:31:18Guest 2:Yeah, from back in the caveman days.

00:31:19Guest 2:So when it erupts up, there's tooth structure that should be under the gum that now isn't.

00:31:24Guest 2:Holy shit.

00:31:24Guest 2:That doesn't, I think, have the protective enamel.

00:31:26Guest 2:I don't really know.

00:31:27Guest 2:I just handed him the shit.

00:31:28Guest 2:But this is the stuff that I kind of learned as I was standing there.

00:31:31Guest 2:And it's a fucking nightmare, dude.

00:31:32Guest 2:And then you don't chew your food well.

00:31:34Guest 2:It goes into your stomach.

00:31:35Guest 2:And then you don't digest it well.

00:31:36Guest 2:You got fucking problems with your colon.

00:31:37Guest 2:It's all connected, dude.

00:31:38Guest 2:Just like that song those people used to sing.

00:31:40Marc:Yeah.

00:31:41Marc:Well, you know, you have a brain that connects everything.

00:31:43Marc:I'm starting to realize that now.

00:31:45Guest 2:Oh, yeah.

00:31:46Guest 2:And it's based in all overheard conversations.

00:31:48Marc:Yeah, but even the conversation... What you're saying about teeth is just scary.

00:31:52Marc:I read an article.

00:31:53Marc:I think dentists have a very high depression rate.

00:31:57Marc:I believe that they have a higher suicide rate.

00:31:59Guest 2:Just like comedians, because they're not respected, just like comedians.

00:32:01Marc:No, you know what it is?

00:32:03Marc:Actually, I read a John Updike book.

00:32:04Marc:I think it was called Couples, and there's a character... Oh, because he knows.

00:32:07Guest 2:No, but...

00:32:07Guest 2:Wait a minute.

00:32:08Guest 2:Who the fuck is this guy?

00:32:09Guest 2:Are you going to tell me an author knows why?

00:32:10Marc:Writers know things.

00:32:13Marc:Let me just explain what I'm saying.

00:32:14Guest 2:That was actually a great point you just made.

00:32:16Marc:Before you argue with me.

00:32:17Marc:I just brought him up like he worked in a sewer.

00:32:21Marc:John Updike.

00:32:21Marc:What the fuck does this guy know?

00:32:22Marc:No, but what I'm saying is that what he said was there is no other profession that has to deal that intimately with decay on a day-to-day basis, with the reality that we decay.

00:32:33Marc:No, no.

00:32:34Guest 2:You know what it is?

00:32:34Guest 2:He romanced it.

00:32:35Marc:Okay, so he's a writer.

00:32:37Guest 2:He romanced it.

00:32:37Guest 2:Yeah, exactly.

00:32:38Marc:But what rots more than teeth?

00:32:40Marc:Every day you just know that we're rotting and that there's no fucking way- Yeah, that's unbelievably artistic and poetic.

00:32:46Guest 2:No, it's the fact, it's the alligator armed becoming a neurosurgeon.

00:32:51Guest 2:oh okay so you got you got halfway through medical school and you're like you know fuck this it's like it's like that that comedian who never has the balls to leave where he started yeah because he's got a good job and blah blah blah blah i think that there's a lot of people like that my dad is not like that my dad fucking loves it and if i could be as good a comedian as he is a dentist he's fucking well you're a great comedian and you're one of the guys that you're talking about you're a warrior oh you should see my dad fill a tooth

00:33:17Marc:No, dude, you were a phoenix that rose from the ashes.

00:33:22Marc:I mean, that's one thing that I remember, and I think we've had this conversation before in some other version, but back in the day, I don't even remember when the hell it was that you got that first deal.

00:33:33Marc:Your hair was bright red, you were young, you were a fucking, you were a comer.

00:33:38Guest 2:You know how much that would have hurt me if I knew you thought that?

00:33:41Guest 2:You were one of my heroes, man.

00:33:42Guest 2:I saw you have a set that I still remember at the fucking New York Comedy Club, which is the most depressing place ever, especially after you just ate your balls at the Boston Comedy Club.

00:33:53Guest 2:And you're like, wow, that was my shot.

00:33:54Guest 2:I'm never getting in here.

00:33:56Guest 2:And I went in there and I was watching these horrible comedians.

00:33:59Guest 2:And it was the first time I was out of the Boston area and everything was new and weird.

00:34:05Guest 2:And I was like, I was like almost homesick.

00:34:07Guest 2:And I was like, oh my God, this is fucking horrific.

00:34:09Guest 2:And you went up there, dude.

00:34:10Guest 2:And the place,

00:34:12Guest 2:The place didn't stink anymore.

00:34:14Guest 2:You went up and you fucking destroyed, and it was like you were just talking.

00:34:18Guest 2:And I remember sitting there going, I want to be able to... How do you do that?

00:34:21Guest 2:Well, now you do it.

00:34:22Guest 2:How do you do that?

00:34:22Marc:That's what I was going to say to you, is that when I met you, whatever my judgment was, maybe it was when you just moved there and you were just trying to get your toe in.

00:34:29Marc:But it was like...

00:34:30Guest 2:something happened between then like you disappeared like i don't know you were in new york for a while did you go back to boston this is what this is what happened is i was there for eight months and i was barely getting into the clubs and i auditioned for a part in a sitcom and i ended up booking it and then all of a sudden i was on tv and then everybody was just like what the where the

00:34:49Guest 2:this fucking guy did like three spots in new york and then everybody else was just like oh he's on his way nobody made it quicker i didn't say any of that shit i wanted to be in new york and and learn how to do what the fuck you were doing and all of a sudden i was i was on this this sitcom which was fucking great but um it was another moment where you know i don't i had only jammed in my parents basement then i'm with victor my acting was i took like you know that was what i got yeah and dude i'll tell you right now

00:35:17Guest 2:The rumors as to how I got that part.

00:35:21Guest 2:I had no idea about any of it.

00:35:23Guest 2:All I just knew was that- No, all the comics on my level, you couldn't believe the shit.

00:35:27Guest 2:That's one of my first, it was a big lesson that I learned that no one could ever just say, oh, he went in and he auditioned.

00:35:32Guest 2:He did a good job and got a callback.

00:35:34Guest 2:And then I went the normal process.

00:35:36Marc:He sucked a dick.

00:35:37Marc:He did this.

00:35:38Marc:He did that.

00:35:38Guest 2:Yeah, it's all you didn't earn.

00:35:39Guest 2:It was just like-

00:35:39Guest 2:Dude, I heard him.

00:35:40Guest 2:He was... They just saw him in a club and he had red hair and the lead actress had red hair in the show.

00:35:46Guest 2:So it was just like, you know, and he's playing her brother.

00:35:50Guest 2:So they were just like, that's the guy.

00:35:52Guest 2:And it's just like, first of all, my character's not even related to that character.

00:35:55Guest 2:I had another person try... Like, say...

00:35:58Guest 2:Tell me that they work in the comic strip.

00:35:59Guest 2:And I was like, oh, you're wearing the strip.

00:36:01Guest 2:That's great.

00:36:01Guest 2:You got in.

00:36:01Guest 2:And he was like, yeah.

00:36:02Guest 2:I go, how'd you get in?

00:36:03Guest 2:He goes, same way you did.

00:36:04Guest 2:This sly look.

00:36:05Guest 2:I go, how the fuck did, how do you think I got in?

00:36:08Guest 2:He goes, I heard you weren't passed and you just started signing up for late night.

00:36:13Marc:I was like, no, no, I didn't do that.

00:36:15Marc:Well, all this aside, I didn't know what happened.

00:36:18Marc:I didn't know any of the story.

00:36:20Marc:Here's what I, it was actually a compliment that I was fucking giving you before you hijacked it.

00:36:24Marc:But it was a Marc Maron compliment.

00:36:25Guest 2:You're walking around like you were the shit and you had everything going on.

00:36:29Guest 2:You got this deal.

00:36:30Guest 2:I didn't get a deal.

00:36:31Guest 2:All right, all right.

00:36:31Guest 2:I flipped a part and it went like a third of a season and we got canceled.

00:36:34Guest 2:All right.

00:36:34Marc:All right, so we've set the record straight.

00:36:37Marc:But what I was going to say was, then I didn't see it for a while, and then you come back fucking guns blazing, honest as fuck, you're delivering the real shit, you're speaking from your heart, and it's fucking beautiful.

00:36:47Marc:Got rid of the puppet.

00:36:48Marc:Yeah, the puppet that was you.

00:36:50Marc:You were your own puppet.

00:36:52Guest 2:Yeah, I had a lot to...

00:36:54Guest 2:Had a lot to learn.

00:36:55Marc:But you kept fighting.

00:36:56Marc:I mean, that's the thing that's amazing is, like, because, you know, you see guys... I mean, the point I was trying to make is that, you know, I had opportunities, but nothing ever went anywhere.

00:37:05Marc:And I'm, you know, too fucking, you know, heady to ever think that anything's going to, you know, change everything.

00:37:11Marc:You know, I don't... My cockiness is so transparent, it's fucking ridiculous.

00:37:15Marc:And as people get to know me, they realize, like, oh, he's just a marshmallow.

00:37:20Marc:But...

00:37:21Marc:What I have seen is guys who get opportunities like that, and it just fucks their head up for good.

00:37:26Marc:But you went back to the fucking drawing board, and you put together an act, and you built the fucking thing, and now you're your own guy.

00:37:31Guest 2:It was a three-year hangover, though, because I got to tell you, going from fucking eating spaghetti five days a week, and then all of a sudden, I had money for three months.

00:37:42Guest 2:It was like I went from level one to...

00:37:45Guest 2:to level 100, and then slam back down to level two, and it was like three years, yeah, and then I was still living in LA, and my headset, my mindset got to the point of like, I have to be on a TV show, or else I'm not successful, and it took me three years to figure out, wait a minute, wait a minute, what did I want, oh, I moved to New York, because I wanted to be a comedian, and then I moved back in like 99, and then that's, and I just said, fuck it, I'm just gonna try to get as funny as I can as a comic, and I'll, you know, maybe I'll, you know,

00:38:14Guest 2:I'm always holding on to that.

00:38:15Guest 2:Someone's going to see me do a special and they'll be like, let's give this kid a movie.

00:38:20Guest 2:Right.

00:38:20Guest 2:That's what I'm holding out for.

00:38:22Marc:So basically, now that we've had the conversation, I was absolutely right in my assessment of what was going on and that my feelings about how you handled it and where you've come from there.

00:38:33Guest 2:I didn't think I was all set.

00:38:34Guest 2:That's the only thing.

00:38:36Guest 2:And there was no, nor has there ever been cockiness.

00:38:40Guest 2:Like so many people, you know something that really is, is a lot of times you're a quiet person, like I was back then as opposed to now where I never shut the fuck up.

00:38:47Guest 2:People are so, they assume that, I don't know what, like when you're quiet, they just think that you're thinking that they're an asshole.

00:38:57Guest 2:And what I was really doing was questioning everything I did in the last five minutes on the way to the club.

00:39:01Marc:Well, you hit it well.

00:39:02Guest 2:Oh, yeah.

00:39:02Marc:Thank God you were a good looking kid and you had a good jacket.

00:39:06Marc:Yeah.

00:39:10Guest 2:But now, as opposed to the depressing decay that you look at now to bring it back to the fucking John Updike.

00:39:17Guest 2:I just love it.

00:39:18Marc:Stick to talking about what you know about.

00:39:19Marc:That was where it came from.

00:39:22Marc:You actually dislodged something.

00:39:24Marc:That idea stuck in my head about dentists.

00:39:28Marc:That's not something I just pulled out of my ass.

00:39:30Marc:I'm not that much of an intellectual, but I remember there was this whole paragraph in that book about decay and about this guy looking at it every day and about the existential implications of having to deal with it on that level every day.

00:39:42Guest 2:What it really is is you watch Top Gun,

00:39:44Guest 2:And you're like, I'm going to join the Air Force and I'm going to fly an F-16.

00:39:47Guest 2:And then you end up being the guy who puts the gas in it or has those orange sticks.

00:39:53Guest 2:That's what a lot of people view being a dentist as.

00:39:56Guest 2:It's not respected as being in the medical field.

00:39:58Guest 2:And one of the great things when I worked in the dental office was I saw how cool that job was.

00:40:03Guest 2:The ability to get people out of pain was incredible.

00:40:06Marc:And also they're like jewelers.

00:40:08Marc:I mean, the type of work they do and the space they do it in, it's fucking crazy.

00:40:12Guest 2:The great ones.

00:40:13Marc:Yeah.

00:40:14Guest 2:The great ones.

00:40:14Guest 2:Not the hacks, not the thieves.

00:40:16Marc:The hacks aren't even using real gold.

00:40:18Guest 2:Not the cruise ship dentists.

00:40:19Guest 2:Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:40:19Guest 2:I'm not talking about those guys.

00:40:20Guest 2:Let's just pull it.

00:40:22Guest 2:Not those guys.

00:40:22Guest 2:How funny is that commercial?

00:40:24Guest 2:I was talking about that the other day, I think on stage or something like that.

00:40:28Guest 2:Have you seen that commercial that the $50 gold coin that they're selling for $19.95?

00:40:32Guest 2:Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:40:33Guest 2:And then looking at it like it's an investment.

00:40:35Guest 2:It's like no one has the brains to realize that if you had something worth $50 and you sold it for $19, you'd be out of business.

00:40:41Guest 2:That's right.

00:40:41Marc:Within two weeks.

00:40:42Marc:Well, God bless America because people are filled with that lack of brains.

00:40:46Guest 2:And it sounds it speaks exactly to the thing.

00:40:48Marc:Limit five per customer just to create that.

00:40:50Marc:Oh, fuck.

00:40:51Marc:Oh, I got to get more.

00:40:52Marc:But this leads right into your fucking the ongoing conversation about the bankers.

00:40:57Guest 2:I don't believe that there is five people running the world, but there are five fucking banks that are just getting away with murder.

00:41:12Guest 1:That's absolutely right.

00:41:13Guest 1:They don't even show up.

00:41:15Guest 2:They had a meeting with the president.

00:41:17Guest 2:They blew it off because it was foggy.

00:41:18Guest 2:Yeah, yeah.

00:41:19Guest 2:Ah, it's too foggy.

00:41:20Guest 2:Can we do it over the phone?

00:41:22Marc:We'll meet our puppet later.

00:41:23Marc:Yeah.

00:41:24Yeah.

00:41:26Marc:He works for us anyways.

00:41:27Marc:So just tell him to wait, and we'll try to make another time for him.

00:41:31Guest 2:I make fun of them a lot on my podcast, and so I always get people like someone today was just talking about yet another fee that they're coming up.

00:41:39Guest 2:And the guy literally writes, I understand the banks are hurting.

00:41:42Guest 2:It's like, how are they hurting?

00:41:43Marc:Yeah.

00:41:44Marc:They were hurting and then we gave them a trillion dollars.

00:41:46Marc:And now they're just hiding the money and they're holding on to it to see what they can.

00:41:49Marc:Yeah.

00:41:51Marc:I mean, I have that problem, too, but I don't understand it as much as maybe you do or some people do.

00:41:56Guest 2:I'm the loud guy in the bar.

00:41:58Marc:Yeah.

00:41:58Marc:But you're like me, though.

00:41:59Marc:But you're like me, though.

00:42:01Marc:Like in my mind, I don't want to carry any fucking debt.

00:42:04Marc:The only debt I carry now that I got out of the divorce and everything else is the mortgage.

00:42:08Marc:That's it.

00:42:09Marc:And the rest, I just try to keep paid up because I don't want to fucking spend the interest on it.

00:42:14Marc:But if you don't do that, then all of a sudden you can't play anymore.

00:42:18Marc:I was listening to a thing on the other day.

00:42:20Marc:If you don't carry debt, then your credit goes a little sour.

00:42:23Marc:They need you.

00:42:24Guest 2:You're considered an inactive member of society.

00:42:27Guest 2:Even though you're in society, you don't yell at old people.

00:42:30Guest 2:Yeah.

00:42:31Guest 2:You show up to your buddy's podcast.

00:42:33Guest 2:You're doing a bunch of wonderful things.

00:42:35Marc:You have respect for dentistry.

00:42:36Guest 2:Yeah.

00:42:38Guest 2:You might say some fucked up things about John Updike, but generally speaking, you're participating in society.

00:42:43Marc:But the thing was, I heard something on NPR, too, that people who followed the old rules of saving money, they're getting fucked.

00:42:50Marc:People who saved money, just regular savings without playing the fucking game, they don't make no money on their money.

00:42:56Guest 2:Nothing.

00:42:56Guest 2:Yeah, no.

00:42:57Guest 2:Well, that's what happened.

00:42:57Guest 2:Yeah.

00:42:58Guest 2:The whole thing, the genius of the game.

00:43:01Guest 2:Now, part of it is you got to keep the economy going.

00:43:04Guest 2:I get that.

00:43:04Guest 2:But the genius of the whole thing is...

00:43:08Guest 2:through penalties and fees, you will put your money exactly where they want you to.

00:43:14Marc:And they decide the penalties and fees based on nothing.

00:43:16Marc:On nothing.

00:43:17Marc:Just because they need money.

00:43:18Marc:They're like, we're running low on money.

00:43:20Guest 2:Let's create a fee.

00:43:21Guest 2:Somebody told me a long time when I was doing that short-lived sitcom, I kept all my money in the bank.

00:43:26Guest 2:And someone was like, dude, that's the dumbest thing you can do.

00:43:29Guest 2:Take it over to fucking, you know.

00:43:32Guest 2:Throw it on the table.

00:43:33Guest 2:Put it on number seven.

00:43:34Guest 2:Yeah, exactly.

00:43:35Marc:Like, I had mine in Bank of America, and I have this fucked up way of thinking where I think they believe in me and my loyalty.

00:43:41Marc:Like, it's still in my brain.

00:43:44Marc:My wiring's still fucked up about American Express.

00:43:46Marc:Like, I believe that shit.

00:43:47Marc:Remember since you get, you know, I'm like, I'm special.

00:43:50Guest 2:I barely ever use the card, and I won't cancel it because it says 89 on it.

00:43:54Guest 2:Remember since 89?

00:43:55Guest 2:I don't want to start over again.

00:43:57Guest 2:They like you, Billy.

00:43:59Yeah.

00:43:59Guest 2:well they're actually they're like they're oh dude it's just the names of the master card yeah you're fucking slave i'll tell you they have the balls to even say it was so fucking stupid walking around like that's i'm the master yeah yeah put this round on me and then you get exactly let me use my master but i'll tell you honestly though there are some perks that i i i've grown to appreciate does membership have its privilege i'll tell you what does

00:44:24Marc:I recently recommitted to American Airlines.

00:44:28Marc:Like, I'm not going to fly anybody else if I can help it.

00:44:30Marc:I'm not going to look for fucking bargains to save $50 because then I get no status and I can't upgrade.

00:44:35Marc:And all I want to do is walk on the fucking plane first so I can put my fucking bag on.

00:44:40Marc:Oh, yeah.

00:44:40Marc:Because I don't want to be stuck where I got to check the fucking bag and wait an hour on the other end.

00:44:44Marc:Exactly.

00:44:45Marc:So I recommitted to American Airlines and I got an American.

00:44:47Marc:We're an elitist.

00:44:47Marc:Yeah.

00:44:48Marc:I got American Express.

00:44:49Marc:And I don't even hardly get upgraded because there's other guys like up in the air guys that live, you know, they live their life there, but occasionally.

00:44:55Marc:So then I got the American Express.

00:44:57Marc:Those guys who oversee the sweatshop labor.

00:44:59Guest 2:Everything.

00:45:00Guest 2:Racking up all the miles.

00:45:01Guest 2:The suave drivers.

00:45:01Guest 2:Flying over to Indonesia.

00:45:03Marc:To make sure that we're keeping Americans out of work.

00:45:06Marc:Why is that eight-year-old sleeping?

00:45:07Marc:Yeah, yeah.

00:45:08Guest 2:All right, I got to go back to Cali.

00:45:09Marc:He's always getting bumped up.

00:45:11Marc:I'm getting the upgrade, yeah.

00:45:12Marc:Because he's doing the big work.

00:45:14Marc:Yeah, so then I got the American Express.

00:45:17Marc:I got a platinum card a few years ago, only because you get free Ambassador Club entrance, which is the American frequent flyer lounge, with the Amex.

00:45:28Marc:So I don't even need to pay the entrance.

00:45:29Marc:You know what's sad?

00:45:30Marc:It's kind of nice, though.

00:45:31Guest 2:But if it was the 70s, you would have got a hand job.

00:45:33Marc:Oh, yeah.

00:45:34Marc:You would have got a lot of things.

00:45:35Guest 2:Oh, yeah.

00:45:36Marc:I think you still can, but you can't put it on the card unless it's a legit operation.

00:45:40Marc:I think that was the... Never my bag.

00:45:42Guest 2:Do you know... I always bring this up all the time.

00:45:44Guest 2:Do you know back in the day... First class fucking blows now compared to how it used to.

00:45:48Guest 2:Do you know back in the day on Pan Am?

00:45:51Guest 2:You know the MetLife building used to be the Pan Am building?

00:45:53Guest 2:Yeah.

00:45:53Guest 2:They used to own that thing.

00:45:54Guest 2:So when you landed in JFK, that wasn't the end of your first class.

00:45:58Guest 2:You got off.

00:45:59Guest 2:They put your bags on a helicopter and you flew to the top of that building.

00:46:03Guest 2:No.

00:46:03Guest 2:You could have drinks.

00:46:05Guest 2:Yeah?

00:46:05Guest 2:Yeah.

00:46:05Guest 2:And then your chick probably looked like fucking Farrah Fawcett.

00:46:09Guest 2:And then you took the elevator down.

00:46:11Guest 2:And then you would get in a cab and you would go to the hotel.

00:46:14Guest 2:And what ended up happening was a helicopter actually crashed.

00:46:18Guest 2:This you can actually look up.

00:46:20Guest 2:I remember when that happened.

00:46:21Guest 2:Unless somebody photoshopped it.

00:46:22Guest 2:Right, the blades flew off the top.

00:46:22Guest 2:Flew down and then hit like the sun of some big porno star or something.

00:46:26Guest 2:Something fucking weird.

00:46:27Guest 2:Whoever died on the ground was either that or like they were like, you know.

00:46:31Marc:So this signals the end of the 70s for you?

00:46:33Marc:This was the end of the great age of first class.

00:46:35Guest 2:The great age of, yeah, of airline travel.

00:46:39Guest 2:Yeah, yeah, that was it.

00:46:40Marc:You know what I mean?

00:46:41Marc:Yeah.

00:46:41Marc:Fuck.

00:46:42Marc:So what are you stashing money?

00:46:44Marc:I mean, do you, are you like a hide it in your mattress kind of guy?

00:46:46Marc:You don't have to divulge in.

00:46:48Guest 2:No, I, I'm one of those guys where I just, I just, uh, I got, dude, there's nothing.

00:46:55Guest 2:They can devalue gold if they want to.

00:46:57Guest 2:I know.

00:46:57Guest 2:It's just nothing.

00:46:58Guest 2:It's a fixed game.

00:46:59Guest 2:The casino, it's a fixed game.

00:47:00Guest 2:And my thing about it is I have no problem with the rigged fucking game.

00:47:03Guest 2:My problem is with those guys is that it's never enough.

00:47:07Guest 2:That's the disease that scares me about that corporate mentality where every quarter you have to show a profit.

00:47:12Guest 2:And we're going to be like surfs pretty soon.

00:47:15Guest 2:Yeah, it's already happening.

00:47:16Guest 2:Yeah, it's already happening.

00:47:17Guest 2:I think in 20 years, if I'm still doing this shit, I'm going to literally be coming up from the floor with a court jester hat on.

00:47:23Guest 2:Yeah, we are sort of doing like corporate gigs.

00:47:26Marc:Do you do corporate gigs?

00:47:27Marc:No, I don't either.

00:47:29Marc:Because no one's asking me.

00:47:30Marc:That's for fucking sure.

00:47:31Marc:They barely asked me.

00:47:31Marc:They don't even ask me to do colleges.

00:47:33Marc:There's no way I could do it.

00:47:35Marc:I mean, I can't.

00:47:37Marc:I just have a biological problem with kissing ass.

00:47:41Marc:Yeah, on that level.

00:47:42Marc:Yeah.

00:47:42Guest 2:No, I don't have a problem.

00:47:43Guest 2:If you want me to come, you want me to work clean, I would do.

00:47:46Guest 2:I mean, I don't get offers to do them is really the more honest answer.

00:47:50Guest 2:But I would do them.

00:47:52Guest 2:But I do find them when I did.

00:47:55Guest 2:I mean, there's always a weirdness.

00:47:56Guest 2:And then I find those people like they are just in an entirely the same way like Yankee and Red Sox fans don't understand what those two teams have done to the rest of the baseball teams.

00:48:07Guest 2:like ah they're fine it's like they've never been to the fucking padres game in august they haven't yeah and it's like these guys they're not assholes they just don't know they don't they don't understand yeah what it is that the ramifications of it um well fucking corporate but of course i don't have any i don't have any solutions not really any facts to even judge these people i really realized how full of shit i was

00:48:30Marc:Yeah, that's a good moment to have.

00:48:32Marc:That's the same moment where you realize, like, maybe I should just, you know, when I don't know something, not pretend like I do and admit that I'm wrong sometimes.

00:48:41Guest 2:Yeah.

00:48:42Guest 2:I've gotten to the point now is I still make my point with passion, and then I try to, like, pull the ripcord and just say, ah, I'm full of shit at the end of it.

00:48:49Guest 2:Oh, good.

00:48:50Guest 2:Yeah, the disclaimer.

00:48:51Guest 2:Yeah, the disclaimer.

00:48:52Guest 2:The post-argument disclaimer.

00:48:53Marc:After I berated you and you can draw my index finger from memory at that point.

00:48:57Marc:The thing that people don't really understand about corporate structure is there's a guy at the top that represents all the people with money.

00:49:02Marc:You know, the CEO, everyone under the CEO, their entire lives are dedicated to displacing blame on the people beneath them.

00:49:10Marc:So basically, even in show business, the corporate structure is it's amazing.

00:49:14Marc:Anything happens at all.

00:49:15Marc:They're just protecting people's money or they're trying to take credit for any success possible and make sure no blame.

00:49:23Marc:Right.

00:49:23Guest 2:I thought there wasn't one guy.

00:49:24Guest 2:I thought there's a board and that way it's faceless and they just always have their Ollie North that they wheel out.

00:49:31Marc:The board, I think, hires the dude to take the hits and make the decision.

00:49:35Marc:Yeah, podium guy.

00:49:36Marc:Right.

00:49:36Marc:You're the CEO, right?

00:49:38Marc:Yeah.

00:49:38Marc:But it just seems to me in corporate structures, most people...

00:49:41Marc:They all know they're doing something wrong, but they just try to displace the blame onto the next guy.

00:49:47Marc:And if somebody is a good blame displacer, they move up.

00:49:51Marc:Those guys are rewarded.

00:49:52Marc:Most of the guys at the top are not there because they're geniuses.

00:49:56Marc:It's just because no shit is stuck to them.

00:49:58Guest 2:Yeah.

00:49:59Guest 2:Have you ever seen that documentary, The Corporation?

00:50:01Guest 2:Oh, yeah.

00:50:02Guest 2:And how it compares- To a psychotic person?

00:50:03Guest 2:Yeah, sociopath.

00:50:04Marc:Yeah, it's great.

00:50:05Guest 2:Yeah, and I think that that's what the war should be about.

00:50:10Guest 2:The war on terror, the war on drugs.

00:50:12Guest 2:It should just be a war on sociopaths because I feel like I've traveled enough and I've met enough people.

00:50:17Guest 2:People are pretty chill.

00:50:19Guest 2:Yeah, people are okay.

00:50:20Guest 2:people are pretty chill yeah and then there's always that one fucking maniac it even starts like in college when you have like a group project yeah there's just always that one fucking maniac yeah that is just wants to pour fucking salt in the fields and rape the women and you're like salivating yeah yeah yeah they have no they have no conscience none yeah no empathy that guy moves up in the court because they'll pour shit in the drinking water

00:50:43Guest 2:Fuck yeah, corner office, I'm on it.

00:50:45Marc:I don't understand how they fucking do it.

00:50:47Marc:I think that they compartmentalize things.

00:50:49Marc:When a corporation or people that work at a corporation know fucking good and well that they're destroying everything, perhaps the future of the fucking world, is that somehow in their dumb brains, they don't look at the long term.

00:51:01Marc:They're just like, it's good for the corporation.

00:51:03Marc:And they've got their fingers in the fucking everything.

00:51:05Guest 2:They own politicians, they own us.

00:51:07Guest 2:The geniuses are not destroying everything.

00:51:09Guest 2:They're just pushing it just one inch closer

00:51:13Guest 2:I mean, we all are, dude.

00:51:14Guest 2:We're a fucking mess.

00:51:15Guest 2:I mean, like, you're defending your life.

00:51:18Guest 2:Because if that's the scam that you're in, if someone... Like, say, like, you got this great house here.

00:51:23Guest 2:If somebody was, like, seriously threatening your lifestyle, I'm not saying you'd kill them, but you'd want the pro... If you could have the fucking problem solved...

00:51:33Marc:No, but I know that- If I could kill that old guy who lives underneath- But that's true, but that goes back to what we were talking about before.

00:51:40Marc:How do those people justify the fact that their job is basically to protect their bottom line, deny people coverage- Because they don't pull the trigger.

00:51:47Marc:Right, so they displace blame.

00:51:48Marc:That's why.

00:51:49Guest 2:I got a buddy of mine.

00:51:52Guest 2:Not a buddy.

00:51:52Guest 2:Jesus, I can't tell the fucking story.

00:51:57Guest 2:I have this human being who needs oxygen to breathe.

00:52:00Guest 2:A guy you know.

00:52:02Guest 2:A guy I know.

00:52:03Guest 2:whatever, he knocks this girl up and then she got to get a fucking, now I'm whispering like this is going to make a list.

00:52:07Guest 2:No one would tell anybody.

00:52:08Guest 2:Let's keep it between us.

00:52:09Guest 2:So he knocks this girl up, okay?

00:52:10Guest 2:He knocks this girl up.

00:52:13Guest 2:They were just having a good time, right?

00:52:14Guest 2:She probably still had her shoes on.

00:52:15Guest 2:There was no love there, right?

00:52:16Guest 2:There was no love.

00:52:18Guest 2:but it was fun in the moment yeah so she gets pregnant and they gotta fucking do something about this so they do it alright yeah 15 you know 15 fucking years later you know same guy he's married he has a kid and he just goes you know what now that I have a kid I'm totally against abortion and it made sense to me now you see this wonderful thing and it made sense to me but then he takes it a step further

00:52:43Guest 2:And I guess some abortion doctor had gotten killed in Nebraska or something.

00:52:47Guest 2:And he takes it a step further.

00:52:49Guest 2:He goes, you know the thing that they did to that guy out there in Nebraska?

00:52:52Guest 2:He's like, I support that.

00:52:53Guest 2:I support that.

00:52:54Guest 2:And I'm like, wait a minute, wait a minute, dude.

00:52:55Guest 2:It's like, you fucking hired that guy.

00:52:57Guest 2:And he goes, no, no, no, dude.

00:52:58Guest 2:He goes, I made a mistake.

00:53:00Guest 2:He kept going, I don't see it that way.

00:53:02Guest 2:It was driving me nuts.

00:53:02Guest 2:He goes, no, I don't see it that way.

00:53:04Guest 2:He's like, you know, I made a mistake.

00:53:05Guest 2:All right.

00:53:05Guest 2:That guy, he did it for a living.

00:53:07Guest 2:And he actually justified to the point was he didn't actually perform the abortion.

00:53:13Guest 2:He just gave the money for it.

00:53:14Guest 2:And he distanced himself.

00:53:16Guest 2:It's like, dude, don't you understand if you hired somebody to kill me and they did your accessory to murder?

00:53:22Guest 2:That's right.

00:53:23Guest 2:Yeah.

00:53:23Guest 2:Exactly.

00:53:24Guest 2:And he just kept going, you know, I don't see it that way.

00:53:26Guest 2:I don't see it that way.

00:53:26Guest 2:And it was literally like, I was like, you know, this is the kind of fucking guy that you can get... You could talk him into a guard tower in a fucking concentration camp in like five seconds.

00:53:36Guest 2:All you do is you tell him...

00:53:38Guest 2:what a great guy he is and how he should be having more and how he's getting fucked and these are the people fucking him.

00:53:43Guest 2:He would be up there like Sergeant Schultz in five seconds.

00:53:47Marc:It's shame-based, self-hating-based revenge almost.

00:53:51Guest 2:He's a fucking moron.

00:53:52Marc:Right.

00:53:53Marc:I believe in this country, it could happen like in Rwanda.

00:53:57Marc:In Rwanda, the Tutsis and the Hutus, it was like one day the guy came on the radio and said, go kill the other tribe.

00:54:05Marc:And they all fucking did.

00:54:07Marc:I don't think we're that far from that here.

00:54:09Marc:Yeah, you're not.

00:54:10Marc:Are you kidding me?

00:54:11Marc:Fuck no.

00:54:12Marc:That if they were to one day come out and say, you know, go kill all the black people, go kill all the Mexicans, go kill the other ones.

00:54:18Guest 2:Which is why you can't deregulate the media.

00:54:21Guest 2:And they did.

00:54:21Guest 2:It's fucking over.

00:54:23Guest 2:It's over.

00:54:24Guest 2:Rupert Murdoch could make that happen.

00:54:26Guest 2:Someone could make it happen.

00:54:27Guest 2:Before the end of this podcast.

00:54:29Marc:Except they'd lose a lot of consumers.

00:54:30Marc:It's capitalism again.

00:54:31Marc:The only thing they're worried about is- That's what I always think.

00:54:33Guest 2:Some of those people have money.

00:54:35Marc:No, I'll tell you.

00:54:36Guest 2:Some of them have always money.

00:54:37Guest 2:The end game is fucking robots.

00:54:39Guest 2:Yeah.

00:54:40Guest 2:Dude, once they make robots, they're smarter than us and they don't bitch.

00:54:42Guest 2:Don't they exist?

00:54:43Guest 2:It's over.

00:54:44Marc:There's one sitting on the fucking table between us right now.

00:54:46Marc:I don't know what this computer does.

00:54:48Guest 2:Hey, you want to hear something fucked up?

00:54:49Guest 2:I had a cab ride.

00:54:50Guest 2:I'm going to whisper again because I don't know.

00:54:52Guest 2:Okay, let's keep it down.

00:54:55Guest 2:Keep it down.

00:54:56Guest 2:I was having this cab ride, fucking laying in some horrific place going to do this gig, and this guy was saying how his son was actually in the CIA.

00:55:04Guest 4:Yeah.

00:55:05Guest 2:And I was like, wow, you don't have to be proud and blah, blah, blah.

00:55:06Guest 2:He starts talking and whatever.

00:55:07Guest 2:So he was saying, and I forget how the fucking story went, but it was basically he was saying that the computer that he had

00:55:15Guest 2:he could not only get into your computer, anybody, he can turn it on when it's off.

00:55:21Guest 2:And he goes, cause like his neighbor was pissed and his dad's neighbor was pissing him off.

00:55:23Guest 2:He goes, you want me to fuck with him?

00:55:25Guest 2:He's going to use his CIA laptop just to be a fucking cunt to the guy next door.

00:55:29Guest 2:And I was just like, wow.

00:55:30Guest 2:And then I was just, it was kind of unsettling.

00:55:32Guest 2:I'm like, so there's really no privacy.

00:55:34Guest 2:And he goes, yeah.

00:55:35Guest 2:And he, and he was upset by it too.

00:55:37Guest 2:Like I, you know, that, that was a moment he was trying to impress his dad.

00:55:40Guest 4:Yeah.

00:55:40Guest 2:Like be proud of me, dad.

00:55:42Guest 2:Right.

00:55:42Guest 2:It's like, great son.

00:55:44Guest 4:Yeah.

00:55:44Guest 2:Great, son.

00:55:45Guest 2:You joined the Cobra Kai.

00:55:48Guest 2:Way to go.

00:55:49Marc:And that feeds into the whole thing.

00:55:51Marc:Like, you know, I don't know how you manage it.

00:55:53Marc:Like, I used to be, you know, think about that stuff all the time.

00:55:56Marc:And I still think about it sometimes.

00:55:57Marc:Like, I don't I know this is unprotected.

00:56:00Marc:There's very little privacy anywhere.

00:56:01Marc:And now with the my first reaction to the scans at the airport where they can see you're naked.

00:56:07Guest 2:you know i i it's like being fucking raped by a machine and it's all fucking fear-based and this is going to happen if we don't do this and you know fighting for security and all but do you ever have that moment where you're like i hope my cock looks all right dude okay let's you know something my fucking cock right now i'm having a problem with it no come on i fucking we rescued a pitbull

00:56:31Guest 2:All right.

00:56:32Marc:This can't be a good.

00:56:32Marc:How did those things go together?

00:56:34Guest 2:So the other day I'm laying in bed.

00:56:36Guest 2:I'm in my boxers, you know, boxers.

00:56:38Marc:Oh boy.

00:56:39Guest 2:The fucking dog goes to get up on the bed.

00:56:41Guest 2:He basically like fucking threw a hook to my dick.

00:56:47Guest 2:Oh my God.

00:56:48Guest 2:Okay.

00:56:48Guest 2:Yeah.

00:56:48Guest 2:And just, he fucking scratched my dick.

00:56:50Guest 2:I'm so glad he didn't.

00:56:50Guest 2:I had to put Neosporin on.

00:56:52Guest 2:So that's the joke between me and my girl.

00:56:54Guest 2:Cause she's the one who picked it out.

00:56:55Guest 2:I'm like, great.

00:56:55Guest 2:Your dog mauled my cock.

00:56:57Guest 2:I'm so glad he didn't maul it.

00:56:59No.

00:56:59Guest 2:No, no, it's a sweetheart.

00:57:01Guest 2:I fucking love the dog to death.

00:57:02Marc:But I mean, it was just a scratch.

00:57:03Marc:I mean, you set it up like, oh my God, did he tug on it?

00:57:06Guest 2:I know.

00:57:07Guest 2:I know.

00:57:08Marc:I think that's a good way to close.

00:57:10Guest 2:There you go.

00:57:11Guest 2:Getting my cock mauled?

00:57:12Marc:Yeah.

00:57:13Marc:How are we going to top that?

00:57:14Marc:You feel satisfied with what we've done here?

00:57:16Guest 2:Yeah, I think we went a little rogue.

00:57:18Guest 2:We went a little crazy.

00:57:19Guest 2:It's the only way to go.

00:57:20Guest 2:Yeah.

00:57:21Marc:All right, Bill Burr.

00:57:22Marc:Where can they get your thing?

00:57:24Guest 2:My podcast?

00:57:24Marc:Yeah.

00:57:25Guest 2:Go to billburr.com and just click on podcast.

00:57:28Guest 2:It's up on the iTunes if you want to download it, kids.

00:57:31Guest 2:And that's it.

00:57:32Guest 2:All right, man.

00:57:32Guest 2:Thanks, buddy.

00:57:33Guest 2:All right, thanks.

00:57:36Marc:Okay, that was Bill Burr.

00:57:38Marc:I'm glad we got that settled and cleared up.

00:57:40Marc:What a funny guy.

00:57:41Marc:What a great guest to the point where we don't have to do a third thing.

00:57:47Marc:We're not doing a third thing today.

00:57:48Marc:There's no third thing.

00:57:50Marc:But I got a million plugs for myself, of course, and for things related to the show.

00:57:57Marc:As you know, hold on.

00:57:59Marc:Let me do it now.

00:58:00Marc:I didn't do it before.

00:58:03Marc:Pow!

00:58:04Marc:Oh, my God.

00:58:05Marc:I just shit my pants.

00:58:07Marc:Just Coffee is a fair trade coffee cooperative.

00:58:09Marc:Visit JustCoffee.coop and you can get a link for that at WTFPod.com.

00:58:16Marc:WTFPod.com is going to be expanding in the very near future.

00:58:19Marc:I will be introducing the Nerdcock t-shirt shortly.

00:58:22Marc:It's going to be a limited press, limited printing.

00:58:25Marc:But we're going to make them available on WTFPod.com along with WTF T-shirts that are cheaper than the ones we've previously been offering to a second party.

00:58:35Marc:So look forward to that.

00:58:37Marc:There's also going to be more stuff.

00:58:38Marc:I'll keep you informed on that.

00:58:39Marc:But you can go there now and get on the email list so I can tell you when I'm coming to your town.

00:58:43Marc:Follow us on Twitter.

00:58:44Marc:Make a subscription or donation, which is very helpful.

00:58:48Marc:You still get the T-shirt with the subscription.

00:58:50Marc:We're going to broaden those options out a bit, too.

00:58:52Marc:But also, PunchWineMagazine.com has been very supportive of our show, and we are supportive of them.

00:58:58Marc:They are the premier comedy, business, and entertainment website for breaking news, interviews, record reviews, CD reviews, DVD reviews, and they do their own video series there.

00:59:11Marc:PunchWineMagazine.com.

00:59:13Marc:Please go to that.

00:59:14Marc:One more time before I get too close at this weekend.

00:59:17Marc:Thursday, Friday, and Saturday, 14, 15, and 16, Seattle at Laughs Comedy Club in Kirkland.

00:59:23Marc:I will be there.

00:59:25Marc:Go get tickets.

00:59:26Marc:Do it.

00:59:27Marc:And I want to plug again the WTF Comedy Central pilot taping.

00:59:32Marc:That's a little more complicated because they don't have a website.

00:59:36Marc:It is January 28th here in Los Angeles at 7 o'clock p.m.

00:59:39Marc:at the Comedy Central stage at the Hudson Theater.

00:59:42Marc:You can call 323-960-5519 for reservations.

00:59:47Marc:I believe that's almost everything that I have to do for you today.

00:59:50Marc:I'm sorry if this got a little long in terms of plugging, but I do want you to come see me, and I really appreciate you listening.

00:59:58Marc:I appreciate all your emails.

01:00:00Marc:I do read all of them, by the way.

01:00:02Marc:I mean, I guess if there were thousands, I wouldn't, but I do read the ones you send, and we will do another email show soon.

01:00:08Marc:I'd like to thank John Montagna again of Brooklyn, a bass player who created the new WTF theme music.

01:00:16Marc:If you want to hear more of his work, you can go to johnmontagna.com.

01:00:21Marc:J-O-H-N-M-O-N-T-A-G-N-A.

01:00:25Marc:Thanks a lot, brother.

01:00:26Marc:Sounds great.

01:00:27Marc:Really gets me going.

01:00:44Thank you.