Episode 342 - Andy Dick, Chris Garcia, Ron Lynch, Lance Bangs, Jim and Eddie
Guest:Are we doing this?
Guest:Really?
Guest:Wait for it.
Guest:Are we doing this?
Guest:Wait for it.
Marc:Pow!
Marc:What the fuck?
Marc:And it's also, eh, what the fuck?
Marc:What's wrong with me?
Marc:It's time for WTF!
Guest:What the fuck?
Guest:With Mark Maron.
Guest:All right, let's do this, what the fuckers, what the fuck buddies, what the fucking ears, what the fuck mix, what the fucks, what the fuck is that hat, seriously.
Guest:This is Ryan WTF at the Riot LA Festival at the Downtown Independent in Los Angeles, California.
Guest:I am Mark Maron.
Guest:This is my show.
Marc:Take it easy, buddy.
Marc:It was right there.
Marc:It's a comedy show.
Marc:You're up front.
Marc:It's going to happen.
Marc:I'm kidding.
Marc:It's nice to see you, but really that ad's been out for a while.
Marc:You know it and I know it.
Marc:How old are you, 40?
Marc:Let's lose the hat.
Marc:She's nodding yes.
Marc:I'm kidding.
Marc:This is hostile.
Marc:It's the old me.
Marc:I apologize.
Marc:I apologize.
Marc:So needless to say, I'm under a lot of pressure, and tonight my old yoga teacher, Joe, and I'm not a big yoga guy, but I used to go to the Y, and he teaches what we call yoga at the Y, and I've not gone to yoga in about two years, and all of a sudden he's here, so I'm like, oh, I'm a fucking idiot.
Marc:Now, because I'm sure he didn't come intending for me to feel like, oh, fuck, I got to, you're right, I do look shitty, and I'm not breathing properly.
Okay.
Marc:Like, this guy's just here to show.
Marc:He walks up to me.
Marc:I'm like, I know.
Marc:I'm an asshole.
Marc:He's like, no, I'm just here to see.
Marc:No, fuck you.
Marc:I know why you're here.
Marc:He's one of the greatest yoga instructors in the world because he's angry, and he pretends like he's not angry.
Marc:That's hilarious.
Marc:Like, all yoga instructors of any kind clearly have given up on something.
Marc:And...
Marc:And the bottom line is like the thing that's great about Joe is like right under it, he's just fucking rage.
Marc:And the reason you know this is like he'll open the yoga class with like the entire side one of Wish You Were Here.
Marc:I mean, how the fuck is that?
Marc:Like you're just like all of a sudden like I don't remember what you played.
Marc:What was that thing you played one time where some woman actually complained it was like Zeppelin or something?
Marc:And someone was like, I don't think this is appropriate yoga music.
Marc:And like in my heart, I was like, fuck her, Joe.
Marc:Let's roll with this.
Marc:Joe is a heroic yoga instructor.
Marc:Angry yoga is where it's at.
Marc:Angry fast yoga.
Marc:I mean, come on, who the fuck is really going to meditate?
Marc:Are you fucking kidding me?
Marc:You're all going to get your core tight so your ass doesn't drop.
Marc:You know what?
Marc:Fuck meditation.
Marc:Let's just get fucking juiced up and bend.
Marc:You okay, Joe?
Marc:Okay.
Marc:So Joe's here, and I'm glad we got that out.
Marc:But also who's here is the guy who's editing my book, and just between us, the second draft, it's not going well.
Marc:I didn't know if he was going to show up, and he shows up, and again, I'm like, it's not done.
Marc:I don't have it.
Marc:I'm busy making television.
Marc:Who the fuck reads books?
Marc:I didn't say that.
Marc:It's happening.
Marc:I'm working on it now.
Marc:I had a dream last night.
Marc:I don't know that it's like anything to talk about, but I was very excited.
Marc:There were two parts of it that I want to share with you.
Marc:One, there was a large spider that was very hairy and fucked up.
Marc:And it was just there being a spider, but it was alive.
Marc:And I remember it was on the stoop of the house I grew up in.
Marc:And all I remember is like, fuck, there's a spider.
Marc:And then there were all these other bugs that were in the sky.
Marc:There were bugs in the sky and they were feeding on colors.
Marc:How fucking as awesome as that?
Marc:They were color mites.
Marc:They were like eating the color out of the sky and making it all fucked up looking.
Marc:But I was cool with that because I had to go in the house.
Marc:And I remember I knew my mom was upstairs.
Marc:So I'm like, my brother's name is Craig.
Marc:So I went, mom, where's Craig?
Marc:And like she goes, he's on fucking stage killing.
Marc:Like she was yelling at me.
Marc:And then I walked out.
Marc:I'm like, fuck this.
Marc:And I walk out into the front of the house and she's on the balcony throwing good and plenties at me by the handful.
Marc:She's going, why don't you grow up?
Marc:Why don't you grow up throwing candy at me?
Marc:I'm like, fuck you.
Marc:You're throwing candy.
Marc:What the fuck does that mean?
Guest:Anybody?
Guest:It's just like, you know, look, if whatever's going on right now doesn't work out, if I fuck it up, that's it.
Guest:It's over.
Guest:How old are you?
Guest:72.
Guest:You made it.
Marc:From where I'm sitting, only congratulations are in order.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:So I don't know if you've ever hit this place where, you know, you get to a point where there's nothing going on and you no longer have a plan B. I don't know.
Marc:Wait for this moment to happen in your life where you're like, oh, fuck it.
Marc:Fuck this.
Marc:I could always.
Marc:Wow.
Marc:That's gone.
Marc:That file used to have stuff in it.
Marc:Now what?
Marc:I mean, what am I going to do?
Marc:Teach?
Marc:What do you do?
Marc:When?
Marc:You swim?
Marc:That's all you do now?
Marc:Basically?
Marc:So you like won.
Marc:You...
Marc:Can I just talk to you as a person that is frightened I'm not going to make it as far as you?
Marc:Here, take a microphone.
Marc:72 years old.
Marc:What's your name?
Marc:Glenn.
Marc:Glenn.
Marc:Glenn Launder.
Marc:Okay, Glenn Launder.
Marc:Let's go through your life really quickly.
Okay.
Guest:What do we want to do?
Marc:Age 1 to 20.
Marc:How was that?
Guest:1 to 20?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:It's gone.
Marc:Okay.
Marc:That happens.
Marc:There's no reason to hold on to that.
Marc:You know, if it goes, it goes.
Marc:I'm only assuming I'm going to lose 10-year chunks as each 10-year chunk goes by, right?
Marc:Okay.
Marc:Were there any highlights from 1 to 20?
Guest:Uh, yeah, I broke my cherry.
Marc:Okay, good.
Marc:You lost your virginity.
Marc:That's good.
Marc:What age was that?
Marc:Huh?
Marc:What age was that?
Uh,
Guest:Eighteen.
Marc:Eighteen.
Marc:Good times.
Marc:Someone you loved?
Marc:Prostitute?
Guest:How'd it go?
Guest:Nobody I loved.
Marc:What?
Guest:No, just prostitute.
Marc:Prostitute.
Marc:Okay, good.
Marc:Back in the day, that's how it was done.
Marc:You don't want to look stupid for the person you love.
Marc:You go out and have sex with somebody who's disgusting.
Marc:Right?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:All right.
Marc:All right.
Marc:So then 20 to 40.
Marc:How was that?
Marc:What'd you do?
Guest:Family and money.
Marc:Family and money.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:And have you held on to both of those?
Marc:Pretty much.
Marc:Oh, that's fucking great.
Marc:Is this your daughter right here?
Marc:Yes, it is.
Marc:It is.
Marc:And that's the other daughter here, the one who runs the festival with Abby.
Marc:Yeah, the producer.
Marc:Yeah, and she's doing well, and they seem to like you.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:Abby, do you want to talk about anything?
Marc:I think this is the time.
Marc:This is your festival.
Marc:You've decided on a career in comedy.
Marc:You're clearly doing a great job.
Guest:I'm real proud of her.
Marc:You're proud of her?
Marc:Oh, yeah.
Marc:That's sweet.
Marc:I was hoping for something dark and weird.
Marc:Was there a war?
Marc:Any wars?
Guest:Well, there was the Panamanian riots.
Marc:The Panamanian riots?
Guest:Yeah, you know the... It was the greatest duty I ever had in my life.
Marc:You went to the Panamanian riots?
Guest:Yeah, I was in Panama.
Guest:People revolted because they wouldn't fly the Panamanian flag with the American flag.
Guest:So they put us up at the best hotels.
Guest:And the American people loved us.
Guest:They didn't love us before that in the American sector.
Marc:You know what I mean?
Marc:It was great.
Marc:This sounds like a very upscale war experience.
Guest:No, my mom was worried about me, but I was good with it all.
Marc:Were you in the military or they just called you and said, we think this would be fun?
Marc:if Glenn went down and dealt with this Panama problem.
Marc:What military were you in?
Guest:In the army.
Guest:I was in the army for three years, three months, two days, and two hours.
Marc:You were counting down or you loved every minute of it?
Guest:No, I didn't love it.
Guest:They brought me down to a private before I left there.
Guest:Because I told a lieutenant that I was watching the latrine.
Guest:And I told him, I said, in two weeks you can call me Mr. Launders.
Guest:He goes, yeah, well, that was my last stripe.
Guest:That was it.
Marc:That was it?
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:Well, congratulations on 72.
Marc:Thank you very much, Glenn.
Marc:Very nice.
Thank you.
Marc:Let's read some emails, Glenn.
Marc:Some of these are touching.
Marc:Is that okay?
Marc:Mark, you got me put in detention.
Marc:Just want to start off saying I'm a big fan of the show, but it's getting me in trouble, damn it.
Marc:We're allowed to listen to iPods in school, so I was listening to your podcast and not paying attention.
Marc:I started laughing at somebody calling you a dick.
Marc:Can't remember who.
Marc:So the teacher yanked my earbuds out so she could see what was so funny.
Marc:You chose at that precise moment to drop the F-bomb five times in succession.
Marc:And needless to say, the teacher didn't find it too funny.
Marc:Listening to you while I write this, just thought I should let you know what you have done.
Marc:Sincerely, a sophomore.
Marc:All right, this one's sweet.
Marc:Comedy nerds cuddling.
Marc:Dear Mark, I'm not entirely sure why I felt compelled to tell you this, but I just thought it was sweet and possibly worth sharing.
Marc:I've been spending time with a nice young man lately.
Marc:Who the fuck talks like this?
Marc:Like, I don't want to be mean, I respect it, but you know, like it gets better, right?
Marc:I've been spending time with a nice young man lately and we've been enjoying each other's company.
Marc:What does that fucking even mean?
Marc:Who has these kind of relationships?
Marc:Have you ever said that about her in your entire life?
Marc:Seriously.
Marc:All right.
Marc:What?
Marc:You're his mother.
Marc:Oh, okay.
Marc:First of all, that is a tremendous compliment.
Marc:Am I right?
Marc:I'm going to try and spin this the right way.
Marc:Second of all, I had a mother that was roughly the same style.
Marc:I feel for you, dude.
Marc:Nothing worse than having a hot mother.
Marc:It's just a fucking chore, isn't it?
Marc:All right, buddy.
Marc:All right.
Marc:You can wear the hat.
Marc:Fuck it.
Marc:All right, can I finish this?
Marc:Let's get back to people that say nice things about each other.
Marc:I've been spending time with this nice young man lately and we've been enjoying each other's company.
Marc:We recently initiated the physical aspect of our relationship.
Marc:You ever heard anything like that, Glenn?
Marc:We recently initiated the physical aspect of our relationship, and that's been enjoyable as well.
Marc:Now, am I wrong or is she saying we fucked and it was good?
Marc:Is that what's being said here?
Marc:Thank you, Glenn.
Marc:The part that might interest you is that we're both pretty big comedy nerds and listen to the Andy Daly episode of WTF together while cuddling.
Marc:See, now, like, I would think that maybe there'd be an awe there, but you guys are like, eww.
Marc:We probably even kissed during it here and there.
Marc:I'm fairly certain it was the dorkiest romantic experience of my life so far.
Marc:And I frequently have sex dreams about comedic actors.
Marc:Oh.
Marc:All right, look.
Marc:You want funny?
Marc:Maybe I got funny.
Marc:Maybe I got a funny one.
Guest:Plaid.
Plaid.
Marc:Sweetie, I love you.
Marc:I care about you.
Marc:But the old plaid shirt thing is, at best, a retread Mr. Mom.
Marc:And at worst, leftover Unabomber.
Marc:Please try some solids.
Marc:Joyce.
Marc:Right now, I'm going to bring up a guy.
Marc:I'm taking a risk here.
Marc:I'm opening the show with this, and he's going to be with me the whole night.
Marc:But I think this is important for him because he's on the level right now.
Marc:I don't think any of you have to be scared or nervous.
Marc:He's a genius.
Marc:He's a wonderful talent.
Marc:He's one of the great train wrecks.
Marc:But right now, he is fucking clear.
Marc:He has clarity.
Marc:He's sober.
Marc:And he's very happy.
Marc:Andy Dick, ladies and gentlemen.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Andy!
Guest:Hi.
Guest:So are we done with the heart of the show when we can bring on the cock and balls?
Marc:Yeah, cock and balls.
Marc:Do it.
Marc:Okay.
Marc:Kyle's ready for cock and balls.
Guest:Oh, I wanted to... He's like, no.
Guest:Look at him.
Guest:You can see the hat.
Guest:He's doing hat acting.
Guest:Let's talk about... Cock and balls.
Guest:No.
Guest:That's the kind of guy I like, by the way.
Guest:Really?
Guest:Straight.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Straight to my dick.
Ow.
Guest:Take it easy.
Guest:He's a comedian.
Guest:Totally.
Guest:Come on.
Marc:Professional.
Marc:Professional comedian.
Marc:But he would so fuck you.
Guest:But I would fuck you.
Marc:It's true.
Marc:Sorry, Grandpa.
Marc:This is the way it rolls now.
Marc:Sorry, Grandpa.
Marc:Things are different.
Marc:It's not Panama anymore.
Guest:Although, I don't know.
Guest:Back then, those bunkers were cold.
Guest:I have a guy working for me.
Guest:I met him at Starbucks.
Marc:You have five guys working for you.
Marc:What the fuck is that about?
Marc:You've got an army of kids that look like models following you around.
Marc:They all claim to be your assistant.
Marc:What are you doing?
Marc:Are you like a gay Manson?
Marc:What's happening?
Guest:What's going on at the compound, Andy?
Guest:Sam, come up here.
Guest:Sam, what are you talking about?
Guest:This is the one guy that actually does work.
Guest:Just stand up for half a second.
Guest:Just step up on here for half a second because it's far from a model.
Marc:Wait a minute.
Marc:Wait a minute.
Guest:Just look at him.
Guest:Come up here and then jump back off.
Guest:All right.
Guest:Do this, Sam.
Guest:In the light.
Guest:Hurry up.
Guest:He's not a model at all.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:Okay.
Marc:Bye.
Marc:Go, go.
Marc:So he was in the Army.
Marc:No, wait.
Marc:The other four guys that came in.
Marc:With Andy.
Marc:Where are the other four?
Guest:You're right, you're right, you're right, you're right.
Guest:I'm not going to fall for that trick.
Guest:Actually, come on, the other four guys.
Guest:No, but that's the guy that actually does work.
Guest:But what does he do for you?
Guest:Seriously.
Guest:Well, he drove me here in his Kia.
Guest:But what is exactly his... He's so fucking lucky he has a car.
Guest:I don't have a car.
Marc:Well, you shouldn't have a car.
Guest:So he drove me here.
Guest:He's carrying my bag.
Marc:But what's his job?
Guest:What is his job, Andy?
Guest:Assistant.
Guest:I don't know.
Guest:Do you have an assistant?
Guest:Yes, you do, because I met her.
Guest:I do.
Marc:She's right there.
Marc:Sam is right there.
Guest:See, I remember her name.
Marc:But does your assistant ever say, Andy, put that down.
Marc:Put that down.
Marc:Those days are behind you, Andy.
Marc:When I'm holding his dick.
Guest:Oh, come on.
Guest:No.
Guest:But I want to tell you a story because I met him.
Guest:It took like three minutes for me to hire him.
Guest:The night before, I put an ad.
Guest:You're going to get on me.
Guest:No, I'm not.
Guest:I put an ad in Craigslist.
Guest:For a no-paying gig, you know, just an intern.
Guest:They're called interns.
Guest:It's a real thing.
Marc:Yeah, but that's supposed to have some learning.
Guest:I'm going to learn them real good.
Guest:And this guy, so the next day, there weren't that many responses.
Guest:I can't imagine why.
Guest:Shut up.
Guest:My name was not in it.
Guest:Exactly.
Guest:This sounds great.
Guest:I'm not going to make any money.
Guest:I don't even know what this guy does.
Guest:I'm fucking in.
Guest:I don't know how we got to talking, but Sam was in.
Guest:Oh, I remember he came up to me and he said, I saw In the Army Now.
Guest:And believe it or not, that made me join the army.
Guest:And I'm like, I'm so sorry for that.
Guest:The movie's okay.
Guest:People like it.
Marc:That's the one with Pauly?
Marc:Yeah, me and Pauly.
Guest:It was my first movie, actually.
Marc:You guys should really work together again.
Marc:Would you shut the fuck up?
Guest:So anyhow, he's nice.
Guest:Come on.
Guest:But so then he went on to tell me that his – what is it called?
Guest:Platoon or his little group of guys.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:He or somebody stepped on one of those IEDs.
Guest:Is that what it's called?
Guest:Yes.
Guest:And they all died.
Guest:Jesus Christ.
Guest:Well, except for him.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:But he has a – he's like – he's got a –
Guest:A ton of shrapnel in him.
Guest:That's not very funny.
Marc:Yeah, I really don't know where this goes.
Guest:Then I realized that's probably why, because I said I'm looking for an intern, and he jumped on it, and now he works with me.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:And you're right, I don't know where it's going.
Marc:So you're saying maybe he thought this guy's explosive and emotionally unstable.
Guest:He has PTSD.
Marc:I can handle that.
Marc:He has PTSD.
Guest:PTSD.
Marc:Okay.
Guest:I've been already walking on eggshells around him.
Guest:Like right when I was calling him out, I'm like, maybe this isn't a good idea.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Because he could just explode at any minute.
Marc:So could you.
Marc:Mentally.
Marc:So could you.
Marc:You're right.
Marc:You're right.
Marc:That sounds like a great, I think that is the documentary.
Marc:When we have Lance Bangs out here in a few minutes, pitch it.
Marc:You're with an ex-Army vet who lost all his buddies in the war.
Marc:Oh, and my dad.
Marc:Who's your assistant that you're not paying, you fuck.
Guest:I don't have any money.
Marc:What do you mean?
Marc:So you hire a veteran who deserves everything good in life, and you're like, you're going to work for me for nothing.
Guest:Oh, I remember how.
Guest:Shut up.
Guest:Is that me, by the way?
Guest:So I remember that he said that he wanted an opportunity to work.
Guest:It all just happened.
Guest:My life has been very magical.
Guest:You say that about everything.
Guest:It just happened, your honor.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:You're the only guy I know that can be on a building with his dick hanging out going, I don't know what happened.
Guest:I'm serious.
Guest:My life is very, very magical when I don't drink alcohol.
Guest:Tell me about the last bottom.
Guest:That's what we want to hear.
Guest:Okay, I will.
Marc:I mean, I'm not going to stern you, but I'm very happy that you're doing so well.
Marc:I ran into you a couple weeks ago.
Marc:Give me the juice.
Marc:Well, no, because usually it's a great story, and it's sad, but it's funny.
Guest:This one's not great.
Marc:This last bottom.
Guest:I call it the final bottom.
Guest:Oh, sure.
Guest:There's a gay joke in there somewhere.
Guest:What did you call the ones before that?
Guest:The one right before the final bottom.
Guest:This one's called pre-rehab number 12.
Guest:They all have names.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I went to rehab 13 times.
Guest:13 times.
Guest:Just for the record, for the record, for the record, this last time.
Guest:I went under the radar.
Guest:I know that things are different from...
Guest:God, that sounds like an echo, like I've said that before.
Guest:But the things do feel different because I put myself in.
Guest:I had a different kind of bottom.
Guest:The Bridgetown – oh, God, there's so many bottoms.
Marc:No, I have complete faith in your ability to stay sober.
Guest:No, you are – I know.
Guest:We're serious because this last one was more of an emotional, like this empty, like –
Guest:it wasn't really about the drugs and the alcohol.
Guest:It was about, like, I just, I just, I wanted to die.
Guest:Uh-huh.
Guest:I just wanted to die.
Guest:And right when I took the first, I had a lot of sobriety.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And I was at the Four Seasons.
Marc:Nice.
Guest:And Aaron Sorkin walked up and sat with us, and I was just fucking having a, I'm back!
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:That kind of moment, you know?
Marc:And I wasn't at all.
Guest:I was just at the fucking Four Seasons with other people that were very successful.
Marc:It's so funny, because when you're like that, when you're literally at a table going, I'm back!
Marc:Everyone else is going, oh, he's here.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:God, this feels like one of those roasts from the 70s.
Marc:What are you?
Guest:Come on.
Guest:And you're like Don Rickles.
Guest:No, I can take it.
Guest:But the thing is, is I'm there and I'm like, and they're doing sushi.
Guest:No, yeah, sushi and sake.
Guest:And they had these special, they brought them these bamboo boxes.
Guest:Have you seen it?
Guest:And they did like, we don't need glasses because they had these special bamboo boxes.
Guest:And then I thought, oh.
Guest:I've never had that.
Guest:Sure.
Guest:I wanted to get in on that.
Guest:And you know what?
Guest:I'm going to retain my sobriety.
Guest:I was with somebody who knows what's up with me.
Guest:You can't even have a fucking sip.
Guest:Right, yeah.
Guest:But I convinced this person, you know, I'm going to watch because... Wait, was this a person that you had around to watch you?
Guest:I don't have people around to watch me, but I do train people to... This was a training night for sure.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:So you and your... I can't pull one by this guy now.
Guest:You and your demonic ways.
Guest:Yes.
Guest:Please convince him.
Guest:Could you react there with me?
Guest:You are Andy Dick and you want to take a drink.
Guest:I've never seen these bamboo boxes before.
Marc:But that's liquor in there.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Well, sake.
Yeah.
Guest:I never had a problem with sake.
Guest:You know what?
Guest:I just want to fucking try.
Guest:I don't think you should.
Guest:I just want to try.
Guest:I don't think you... I'm just going to wet my whistle.
Guest:I don't... Wet my whistle.
Guest:All right, enough.
Guest:What I'm going to do... Do what you're going to do.
Guest:Here's how I'm going to retain my sobriety.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:I'm not going to get drunk.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:All right?
Guest:So you're just going to have one?
Guest:Sober is sober.
Guest:Right.
Guest:Sober is as sober does.
Guest:I didn't say that.
Guest:I don't know you know what that fucking is.
Guest:Yeah, if you don't mind.
Guest:And I think he was grabbing me the whole time.
Guest:I had to fight a little bit.
Guest:So grab my arm.
Guest:You're going to spill it.
Guest:Three hours later, where's the fucking blow?
Guest:I swear to God, going all up and down, spiraling, going to the top of the four seasons, spiraling around the floors, room to room.
Guest:There's a party here.
Guest:And just getting punched in the face.
Guest:No.
Guest:All within hours.
Guest:My bottom comes fast.
Guest:And then the next, only two weeks, by the way.
Guest:This last little run was just two weeks of me just trying to maintain, like, not having the shakes.
Guest:Let me just, you know.
Guest:Panama.
Marc:Let's explore the idea that, okay, so you're wasted and now you're wandering the floors of the hotel listening for what you perceive are parties.
Marc:They're everywhere.
Marc:They're everywhere.
Marc:So you're just stopping in the room and you're like, hey, is there a boat?
Marc:It's me!
Guest:God, can I tell you the it's me story that happened?
Marc:It's fucking awesome.
Guest:It's horrible.
Guest:One time, a couple years ago, I was just having one of these...
Guest:Great times where I was with a friend, and this guy loves drugs, and we were just up for days, and he's a photographer, and we were in his, oh, you know, it was right next door to Conan's assistant's apartment.
Guest:She was having a bachelorette party in the morning.
Guest:So it's like 10 a.m.,
Guest:But we've been, I don't know, 10 a.m., 10 p.m.
Guest:Who knew at this time?
Guest:And when I've been up for days and when I party for a long time, I'm just, at some point, just naked.
Guest:So here I am naked, just wandering around, and we're in my friend's apartment, curtains closed, but full-length curtains.
Guest:Windows, picture windows.
Guest:You can see where it's going.
Guest:And curtains closed.
Guest:And we're just in there.
Guest:And it's kind of quiet and nothing's going on.
Guest:What is this?
Guest:You're just in there what?
Guest:I'm just walking around, walking around drinking.
Guest:This is me walking around.
Guest:And I want there to be more action because it's just me and my friend, maybe one girl, and there's not much going on.
Guest:But you're naked.
Guest:I'm naked.
Guest:It was hot probably.
Guest:And I hear people outside.
Guest:This is horrible.
Guest:Go do it.
Guest:Well, these people walk by, I hear voices, so I just, I kind of go to voices, like shiny things.
Guest:I'm like, there's people.
Guest:I threw open the sash.
Guest:No, that's not.
Guest:I threw open the curtains and just spread eagle going, it's me.
Guest:Thinking that's going to draw them in.
Guest:It's a small group of about nine and ten year olds.
Guest:I swear to God, that is dodging a fucking bullet right there.
Guest:Like, luckily, they didn't know who me was, and they kept walking.
Guest:And I quickly closed them.
Guest:I mean, that's the thing.
Guest:Really, Your Honor, how did it happen?
Guest:I don't know.
Guest:They wanted to party.
Marc:I don't know how it happened.
Marc:Andy Dick, ladies and gentlemen.
Marc:Thank you.
Marc:You want to move down, hang out?
Marc:Let him have this one.
Marc:All right.
Marc:No, you can hang out.
Marc:No, no, you seem to be good.
Marc:I'm not afraid.
Marc:You might as well hang out, right?
Marc:This next guy, I've worked with a few.
Marc:What's happening?
Marc:Do you want a ginger chewy that someone gave me?
Guest:I thought you were going to ask about my liquids.
Marc:Is that really what I'm going to do?
Marc:What's in the glass, huh?
Marc:Seriously, we're all concerned.
Marc:What's in there?
Guest:I hate that, by the way.
Guest:Whenever anybody comes up to it.
Guest:Does this work?
Marc:Yeah, it does.
Guest:You really have to get on this one.
Marc:Yeah, I don't know.
Marc:I didn't realize that we were going to have a buffet of fucking different microphones.
Marc:I would have brought a few.
Marc:There's literally four different kinds of microphones.
Guest:Do they know all the people that are coming?
Guest:The fun people and Eddie Pepitone?
Marc:Yeah, yeah, they know.
Guest:Okay, I know, I know, right?
Guest:It's going to be a fun person.
Marc:You know what I hate as a sober person?
Marc:This guy is like, hey, is it okay if I, I mean, drink?
Marc:I'm like, what the fuck do I care?
Marc:Do whatever the fuck you want.
Marc:Yeah, I know.
Marc:Like, they think that you're making them uncomfortable.
Guest:I don't even know.
Guest:You know what I mean?
Marc:Just fucking drink.
Marc:Like, what do they think is going to happen?
Marc:I mean, I wouldn't do that.
Marc:Maybe you would.
Marc:Like, they take a drink and you're like, oh, God.
Guest:You know?
Guest:And then you're just like, ah!
Marc:Oh, fuck, I'm sorry.
Marc:You shouldn't have popped that open.
Marc:No, what the fuck happened to me?
Marc:Does that happen?
Guest:You mind if I... No!
Guest:That would be great to blame it on someone else.
Marc:Put that in the toolbox.
Guest:Yeah, that's a good one.
Guest:That's my next... All right.
Marc:My next guest is a very funny man.
Marc:I worked with him up in the Bay Area.
Marc:He used to live up there.
Marc:Now he's down here.
Marc:And it's Chris Garcia, ladies and gentlemen.
Marc:Chris Garcia.
Marc:Where is he?
Marc:Over here.
Guest:Hey, buddy.
Guest:Nice to see you.
Guest:Nice to see you, too.
Guest:Mind if I drink up here?
Guest:Is that okay?
Guest:No!
Guest:Ooh, that did smell good.
Guest:Two boners at the same time.
Guest:How did I do that?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:No, but here's what's worse than what I just explained is when you've got two guys who are sober and see you drinking, and they're sort of like, so how many do you drink a night?
Marc:I mean, yeah.
Marc:What number are you on?
Marc:Two?
Guest:One and a half.
Guest:One and a half, so that means four.
Marc:Seven.
Marc:Right?
Marc:In my world.
Marc:No, you're good, man.
Marc:So did I get your credits right, which were none?
Marc:You got them right.
Marc:You got them right.
Marc:I'm sorry.
Marc:I'm not trying to be insulting.
Marc:I just realized that I did not have any other than we worked together in Sunnyvale in a room that had a shitty sound system.
Marc:That's my biggest credit, actually.
Marc:That was the worst weekend for me because I kept saying, remember when we were up there and I was like, the sound fucking sucks.
Marc:And then they brought someone in to try and fix it and they fucked it up even more.
Marc:Yeah, they got worse.
Marc:It got worse.
Guest:They brought some guy in during the day to fix it and it got worse.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And I had never met you before.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And you were freaking me out big time.
Yeah.
Guest:I don't know.
Guest:He's such a sound Nazi.
Guest:It wasn't so bad.
Guest:It was bad, man.
Guest:His whole career is sound.
Guest:It is, kind of.
Guest:You know, it's the podcast.
Guest:People have to listen.
Guest:So if the sound's off, how's it going to upload it?
Marc:It's this old club that's sort of lost in the 80s and had these huge suspended speakers.
Marc:And it was literally like the comedian would talk and it felt like he was talking inside of himself.
Marc:I don't know if I can explain that.
Marc:Like, sound is supposed to go out, but the magic of the system there, it was almost like it was coming back at you.
Marc:It was taking it away.
Marc:Did you get that?
Marc:No.
Marc:So you moved down here?
Guest:I moved down here, yeah.
Guest:Is that a good idea?
Guest:That's all right.
Guest:What's going on?
Guest:Living those feelings.
Guest:It's where haircuts come from.
Marc:The tide pool of haircuts?
Guest:Yeah, it's not Echo Park and it's not Silver Lake, but it feels like hipster adjacent.
Guest:That's what it feels like.
Marc:It's one of those places where people can walk.
Marc:It's when people come from other cities to LA, they either go right near the UCB or they plop down in Los Feliz.
Marc:Especially New Yorkers.
Marc:It's worse.
Marc:When I moved here, we moved right over there on Franklin by UCB.
Marc:You're like, yeah, it's great.
Marc:You can walk a block.
Marc:You can walk a block.
Marc:That's all you got.
Marc:That's all you need if you've lived in a real city.
Marc:Like, there's a bookstore and a place where people eat outside.
Guest:That's all you need.
Marc:Just like home.
Marc:And the place that has vinyl.
Guest:Yeah, vinyl, exactly.
Guest:And UCB.
Guest:So, how's Los Villas?
Guest:It's all right.
Guest:I like it.
Guest:What made you come down here?
Guest:Show business?
Guest:Show biz?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:You're looking at it.
Guest:My family.
Guest:They live here?
Guest:Yeah, yeah.
Guest:You grew up here?
Guest:Yeah, I grew up in Inglewood.
Guest:Holy fuck.
Guest:Where?
Guest:What part?
Guest:Inglewood, and then Westchester, and then Redondo Beach.
Guest:I don't even know what it's like to grow up here.
Guest:Is it like, I mean, what did you do?
Guest:Go to the beach?
Guest:I went to the beach.
Guest:I was scared a lot.
Wow.
Guest:It's a scary, Inglewood is scary.
Guest:So that's like a tough place, so scary.
Guest:And then I went to, I went from Inglewood to like a rich neighborhood that was equally as scary.
Guest:And it was just like, it was just different.
Guest:It was just like, all of a sudden it was like poor and all of a sudden it was a beach.
Guest:It was like Daniel Tosh style.
Guest:It was just like flip flops and Adam's apples everywhere.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And I wasn't used to it.
Guest:I was like, what the fuck am I?
Guest:I just feel outside everywhere I go.
Guest:Your parents moved up there?
Guest:Talk on the mic.
Guest:Your parents moved?
Guest:Your parents moved?
Guest:Like the Prince of Bel-Air kind of thing?
Guest:Yeah, but not Philadelphia.
Guest:Just West Los Angeles.
Guest:Born and raised.
Guest:More Western Los Angeles.
Guest:Are you Hispanic?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:The fresh what of...
Guest:Not Bel Air.
Guest:The fresh Cuban.
Marc:Are you trying to write a joke?
Marc:Well, you're trying to get him to write a Latino joke.
Marc:Trying to help him out.
Guest:I don't think I'm good.
Guest:I think you probably need more help than I do at this point.
Marc:Is there some cute way you can demean yourself in the title of a TV show that Andy would like to joke about?
Guest:It was for you.
Guest:You can have it.
Marc:Okay.
Marc:Thank you.
Marc:So how did you move?
Marc:Did your dad hit the jackpot of some kind?
Guest:Alzheimer's.
Guest:I think that's a jackpot in the way that you forget about all your problems that you had prior to that.
Marc:I have tried to do a joke about that, where sometimes maybe it's a gift to not remember how miserable you might have had it.
Marc:But I don't know if that's funny.
Marc:I think it is funny.
Marc:But you've dealt with a guy with Alzheimer's, though.
Guest:Yeah, my dad.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:It's kind of a guy in my life.
Guest:The guy in my life.
Guest:And what was that like?
Guest:Was it bad?
Guest:It's actually pretty great, Mark.
Guest:It's like, yeah, my dad's just walking around putting Diet Pepsi in a sock drawer.
Guest:It's amazing.
Guest:He doesn't know who I am.
Guest:He thinks I'm following him around.
Guest:It's fantastic.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:He's wearing no shirt and two hats.
Guest:Really amazing, Mark.
Guest:I really love it.
Guest:It's tough.
Guest:He has no insight to it, so he's just like, that's fucking Andrew WK.
Guest:It's horrible, but from an outsider, it sounds hilarious.
Guest:That's how we get through it.
Guest:Funny family mom's really funny.
Marc:It's true.
Marc:You have to have a sense of humor.
Marc:I know someone who has fathered that at a certain point, but then it just gets horrible.
Guest:It's horrible.
Guest:It's really scary, and it's really hard to see.
Guest:He's a great...
Guest:Great guy.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And now, like we watched The Endeavor.
Guest:Yeah, he didn't.
Guest:He had a bad reaction to his medication.
Guest:He got kicked out of his home because he punched an old lady in the face.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:It's funny to me.
Guest:But my dad's 72.
Guest:He just punches an old lady in the face.
Guest:And then so he's in the psychiatric ward in San Pedro.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And that was yesterday.
Guest:And The Endeavor's flying by.
Guest:And everyone, like the nurses and the doctors, just leave.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:The psychiatric ward.
Guest:To go outside?
Guest:Yeah, to go on the roof to watch.
Guest:And there's just, like, people in the psych ward are just, like, there's this, like, really big guy that's just, like, the airplane has a little baby on top.
Guest:And it's all, the Endeavor was all scuffed up when it landed in this black guy.
Guest:I don't know why he was in there, but he was hilarious.
Guest:He was just like, yo, that nigga needs a car wash.
Yeah.
Guest:And my dad, he worked for NASA when he was like... Really?
Guest:Yeah, and so he didn't get to see it because he was just like that.
Guest:That's the tough part.
Guest:And so when he comes to, it's really beautiful and it's really touching.
Guest:And it's really difficult.
Guest:My mom and my dad have married for 48 years.
Guest:They're high school sweethearts.
Guest:They've overcome a lot of stuff.
Guest:They've moved from Cuba to here and stuff.
Guest:And so there's this...
Guest:A couple weeks ago, my mom and dad, you know, we go visit my dad in the home and stuff, and he's just like, he doesn't recognize us anymore.
Guest:It's really tough.
Guest:And he, like an hour into the hanging out with him, he looks up at my mom, and he's just like, oh, my tica.
Guest:He sees my mom, and my mom starts crying.
Guest:My sister starts crying.
Guest:Nurses start crying.
Guest:And I'm like, oh, I can't.
Guest:I'm the man now.
Guest:Like, I can't cry.
Guest:And it's really difficult.
Guest:And my mom starts kissing my dad, and they hug.
Guest:Fucking people crying.
Guest:And then I reach over to, like, console my dad.
Guest:Just, like, try not to cry, and I console my dad.
Guest:And he just looks up, and he goes, who's this Mexican faggot?
LAUGHTER
Guest:It's like that.
Guest:It's hilarious.
Guest:It's the toughest thing I've ever been through, but it's yielding a lot of those moments where you're like, what the fuck is this?
Guest:My dad's killing it.
Guest:My mom was trying, like, my mom told me, she was like, before he was in a home, my mom was like, you know, me and dad were, like, trying to have sex the other day.
Guest:They're still boning.
Guest:My parents are very raw.
Guest:Right.
Guest:You know?
Guest:And she was like, and then, you know, Bobby got very, like, he got very rough, and he pushed me up against the wall.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And then he stopped, and he was like, I don't know if I can do this.
Guest:I have a wife and two kids.
Yeah.
Guest:My dad tried to cheat on my mom with my mom.
Guest:Oh, my God.
Guest:Is that true?
Marc:It's true.
Marc:It's completely true.
Marc:This is the best one-man show ever.
Marc:Should I do that?
Guest:Should I even make less money than now?
Guest:No, you've been given a gift.
Guest:That's what it feels like.
Guest:It's actually pretty neat to give back.
Guest:My parents sacrificed a lot.
Guest:Now I get to pay it forward and be a good kid.
Marc:When you hang out with them, are there... I mean, I know it must be heartbreaking, but you do feel like you're present and being there for them, and it still feels like you're helping them out.
Guest:Yeah, I don't feel resentful.
Guest:Like, when I was a teenager, even when I came home before, I'd be like, get back in that teenage, like, oh, fuck you, mom and dad.
Guest:Knock before you come in my room.
Guest:Now I'm, like, more selfless, and it's like, I really feel like I've grown up and, like, know how to, like...
Guest:be a good guy to my parents.
Guest:It's like the neatest gift ever.
Marc:Congratulations on that, and I'm sorry your dad's in a situation, but good for you for being there.
Marc:Chris Garcia, ladies and gentlemen.
Marc:Go ahead and move down.
Marc:That was awesome.
Marc:Right?
Marc:Awesome.
Marc:Kyle, this next gentleman has been a fixture on the comedy scene since I was a child.
Marc:I'm sorry, not that long.
Marc:But when I started doing stand-up in the early 80s in Boston, he was there, and then he was here, and he's like always there.
Marc:He's always in comedy.
Marc:Ron Lynch, ladies and gentlemen.
Marc:Ron Lynch.
Marc:No, no, no, no, Ron.
Marc:You have to cut.
Marc:No.
Marc:Hello, everybody.
Guest:It's great to be here.
Guest:How's it going?
Guest:Anyway, so what are you guys doing tonight?
Guest:Wait a minute.
Guest:I want to talk to you.
Guest:Oh, okay.
Guest:Where are you from?
Guest:No.
Guest:I'm going to be nice.
Guest:First, I'd like to bring out somebody I've been working with for a while.
Guest:Could you please come out?
Guest:Sam?
Guest:That's my guy.
Guest:Wait a minute.
Guest:I found him on Craigslist.
Marc:Ron?
Guest:Yes?
Marc:I want to give you some props.
Marc:Not prop comedy, but like I believe... That's good.
Guest:No, no, no.
Marc:Look, you were around... When I started doing comedy like in like 84, 85, you were in a team in Boston, right?
Marc:Right.
Marc:Called Bob and Ron.
Marc:Bob and Ron.
Marc:And you guys were hilarious.
Guest:Yeah.
Yeah.
Um...
Guest:Well, if I look back at it and I think of the stuff we did, it seems extremely silly to me now.
Marc:But I told you what I remember.
Marc:Does it embarrass you when I tell you?
Marc:No, but... Him and Bob and Ron, I remember going to comedy clubs in college, and you guys would be doing your bit, and then you'd each take a mic stand and turn them upside down and hold them behind your back and start running into each other going, Bumper Comics!
Marc:Yeah!
Marc:Yeah, that was fucking great.
Marc:It's memorable.
Marc:I remember it, and it's funny.
Guest:Not to correct you, but we just held the mics the way they were.
Guest:We didn't turn them around.
Marc:Fuck, that fucks up the whole bit.
Guest:Because it looked like it looked... All right, go ahead.
Marc:Well, but then, like, I'd come back, and then you were not Bob and Ron.
Marc:You were just Ron.
Marc:And I remember this one weird moment where you had a room.
Marc:Like, you were doing a comedy room that you were booking.
Marc:And it was, like, I remember I was going to go do a set there, and I walked upstairs, and it was this huge space.
Guest:Oh, Latinos.
Marc:It was this huge space, and you had just, like, built...
Marc:You had built a comedy club in the corner.
Marc:Like there was literally just a corner that had like a sign and it was well lit, but it was this huge, big empty space.
Marc:And I walk in, it's just you in that corner going, how you doing, Mark?
Marc:And I'm like, what's going on here?
Marc:It's like, well, this is the room.
Guest:Do you remember that?
Guest:Yes, I do, exactly.
Guest:That was Latinos, and it was a guy who convinced me to do a comedy show in his restaurant upstairs, which used to be like a dance studio or something.
Guest:And the end story is, that was one of the things that kept me in Boston.
Guest:It was always something that kept me there.
Guest:It wound up it was a front so he could sell tickets to my show and people would go in another room and drink.
Guest:He didn't have a liquor license.
Marc:So you were just the patsy?
Marc:I was a patsy, yeah.
Marc:I was a patsy.
Guest:But what I wanted to tell you is I really don't think... But he got arrested, so that's the end of the story.
Marc:Okay.
Guest:Alright, right?
Marc:But you were like, here's what I believe, and this is just my dumb comedic historian head.
Marc:I don't believe that without you and DJ Hazard that there's a Louis C.K.
Marc:Hmm.
Marc:That is possible.
Marc:I believe that you influenced Louis because you remember him when he was like 16 or 17, right?
Guest:Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest:I gave him his first set.
Marc:You did?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Where was that?
Marc:In that place?
Guest:Comedy Clubhouse.
Marc:Oh, shit.
Guest:Remember that place at the Little Theater?
Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest:How old was he?
Guest:He had performed six months earlier, I think, and then gave up.
Guest:Right.
Guest:Then he the story with him is, you know, the story about the cassette tape.
Guest:No, he came.
Guest:I think we'd like to hear it.
Guest:And this was a midnight show.
Guest:Yeah, this was a midnight show.
Guest:And he came down and he said, how do I how do I get on the show?
Guest:And I said, well, just get me a recording of you performing or something.
Guest:And on this, there was no video.
Guest:So just get me a recording of you performing.
Guest:Next week, he comes with a cassette tape, gives it to me, I listen to it, and it's him with a large amount of echo going, hey, I see the sign, slow children.
Guest:I imagine, hey, and in the background, in the background, you hear glasses, constantly clinking, constantly clinking of glasses, and here are the laughs that you hear.
Guest:And they're all just a little different.
Guest:So, yeah.
Guest:He comes back the next week and he goes, so do you think I can do the show?
Guest:And I went, did you expect me to believe that you were in a comedy club?
Guest:And he went, yeah.
Guest:And I went, okay, you're on third.
Marc:What was he, like 16 or 17?
Marc:Yeah, he was pretty young.
Guest:He was pretty young.
Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest:And funny.
Guest:He was really funny.
Marc:Yeah, he was always funny.
Marc:But you were this guy that, you know, you were in a lot of Louie's early movies, and then you were in other things, and then, like, I move out here, and then you're here, and I think you were in San Francisco.
Marc:Maybe it was a ghost of you.
Marc:Like, everywhere I went, it was sort of this weird thing where it's sort of like, hey, there's Ron Lynch.
Marc:What are you doing here?
Marc:Like, hey, Mark.
Guest:What have you been doing?
Guest:I was taking care of you.
Guest:LAUGHTER
Guest:somebody somebody had to watch over you i was assigned i'm not a real person so so when so that when there was one set of footsteps you were carrying me that is correct and when there was one foot i was hopping
Guest:I just made that up.
Guest:I just made it up.
Guest:Never said that before, just for you guys.
Guest:Never say it again.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:Limited edition.
Marc:Ron's sort of a mystery to all of us.
Guest:I guess so.
Guest:Does that mean you don't have any... You don't know what to say to me?
Marc:No, of course I know what to say to you.
Marc:I have questions.
Marc:Why don't you drive a car?
Guest:I do drive a car.
Guest:You do now?
Guest:Oh, yeah.
Guest:I didn't have a car for a while when I first moved here.
Guest:Like for how long?
Guest:But then six years.
Guest:Wow.
Guest:My car died.
Guest:I started working.
Guest:It was a head gasket, and I started working on it, and I couldn't get one bolt off, and that was the end of my car-fixing years.
Guest:And then I didn't have a car for six years.
Guest:Took the bus.
Guest:The bus is great.
Guest:Is it?
Guest:Yeah, it's fine.
Guest:There's a lot of interesting people on the bus.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Right?
Guest:I agree.
Guest:I agree.
Guest:You just have to live strategically.
Guest:A lot of people go to the bus.
Guest:You've got to be kidding.
Guest:And they make that face.
Guest:Because they never do it.
Guest:Right.
Guest:You would say, yeah, shut the fuck up.
Guest:I don't say, sorry.
Guest:That was amazing.
Marc:I've never seen Ron behave like that.
Marc:I don't.
Guest:I did that for a laugh.
Guest:I don't really use that language at all.
Marc:It has to come out somewhere, though, Ron.
Guest:It does, right?
Marc:But I do.
Guest:I got a car when Laura Keitlinger backed into a car
Guest:when she was dating Jack Black, and he bought it.
Guest:And she calls me up and goes, Ron, do you have a car?
Guest:Do you have a car?
Guest:And I went, yeah, I have a car.
Guest:I'm borrowing somebody's car.
Guest:She goes, oh, you mean you own a car?
Guest:And I went, no, no, I don't own a car.
Guest:Okay, goodbye.
Guest:Hangs the phone up.
Guest:Then Jack gets on the phone and goes, yeah, Ron, Laura hid a car, and we're going to get it, I guess, and give it to you.
Guest:What's your full name?
Guest:Ronald, but I don't, I guess.
Guest:I always use Ron Lynch, but don't.
Guest:All right, well, we'll call you back.
Guest:Hangs up.
Guest:Don't hear for a couple of days.
Guest:He buys the car.
Guest:They wind up using it on MTV's Music Awards, and then she uses it in a pilot.
Guest:I don't see it for six months.
Guest:Don't know what kind of car it is.
Guest:And I'm also, I'm saving the environment by not having a car.
Guest:It's an 88 Cadillac.
Guest:And just two days ago, it got totaled.
Guest:By you?
Guest:What?
Guest:Good story.
Guest:No.
Guest:I'm backing into the spot like this, and this drunk girl comes up and whacks off the front left corner of the car.
Guest:Oh, my God.
Guest:And pushes the bumper all the way around like this.
Guest:I don't know how the bumper did that, but it bent around and went down, so it's like sticking straight out.
Guest:I actually was able to lift the bumper up and move it around, and it was the strongest thing I think I've ever done.
LAUGHTER
Guest:And then I've been driving it.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I'm getting a check that is worth much more than the car is.
Guest:The Blue Book is like $1,600 or something.
Guest:Are you going to get another car or just fix that one?
Guest:Or just keep the money?
Guest:Just fix it.
Guest:Yeah?
Guest:Keep the money.
Guest:There you go.
Guest:However, they also told me, well, now it's a salvage car.
Guest:And I said, what does that mean?
Guest:Well, your insurance is going to be really cheap.
Guest:Great.
Guest:So it's all good.
Guest:LAUGHTER
Guest:It's all good.
Guest:I just put my drums in it and drive around.
Guest:I go to auditions.
Guest:That's about it.
Marc:You go to all auditions with drums?
Marc:I mean, like, for anything?
Marc:No, I'm sorry.
Marc:Two different things.
Marc:Two different things.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Unless it's an audition that involves... No, I just thought you'd go into any audition with a drum.
Guest:I set them up.
Guest:And they're going, what are you doing?
Guest:And they go, I need to have these here.
Yeah.
Guest:I know you're looking for somebody to play a policeman, but I need these drums.
Guest:And I sit down at them.
Guest:And I go, do you ever see a cop do that?
Marc:Step away from the car.
Guest:Right.
Guest:How good is that?
Guest:And then approach the car.
Boom, boom, boom.
Guest:You know, I was in The Master as a drummer.
Guest:I was cast as a drummer in the strip club, and I was playing the drums with a sax player, and it was cut.
Guest:Oh, fuck.
Marc:So you were in The Master, you were on set with that thing?
Marc:You dealt with Paul Thomas Anderson?
Guest:Yes, we played the same song 35 times.
Marc:And was he good to work with?
Guest:He's great.
Guest:He's a great director, yeah.
Guest:It was really fun.
Marc:How did he direct you?
Marc:Like, what did he say?
Guest:Play.
Play.
Marc:Did you see the movie?
Marc:No.
Marc:Okay.
Marc:I will not see it now.
Marc:Because you're not in it.
Marc:Well, I'm not in it.
Marc:You don't get a credit?
Marc:You'll still get checks.
Guest:No, I don't think so.
Guest:I think so.
Guest:I don't think so.
Guest:Really?
Guest:I don't think so.
Marc:I got cut out of The Mighty Ducks 2.
Marc:I get checks.
Marc:Really?
Guest:You know, those movies are identical, those two movies.
Marc:You don't know that about me?
Marc:I saw the guy that directed that.
Marc:He was the guy I went to college with.
Marc:That was an amazing moment in show business for me.
Marc:He does me a favor.
Marc:He casts me as the angry valet.
Marc:Okay?
Marc:So I'm wearing a valet outfit.
Marc:I'm sweating.
Marc:I'm sitting in a trailer.
Marc:I got like four lines.
Marc:The scene is Rodeo Drive.
Marc:The ducks are trying to go into stores in Rodeo Drive.
Marc:And I'm the valet, and one of them comes up, and I think they say, like, who do you got to, you know, how do we get into these stores?
Marc:And I say, you got to know somebody to get anywhere in this town.
Marc:You know, like, something like that.
Marc:And, like, just for this one moment, you know, they've got to get cars going, they've got to get extras walking, you know, a Maserati is pulling up, right?
Marc:So, like, action.
Marc:Then all this shit goes into motion.
Marc:I'm like, fuck, I can't.
Marc:God damn it, I fucked it up.
Marc:And then they've got to pull the car back.
Marc:Like, I did that, like, three times, and Steve's like, look, this is just one line.
Marc:All right?
Marc:It costs a lot of money every time.
Marc:You just got to play through.
Marc:That's the way it's done.
Marc:And this was back when they were using film.
Marc:Yeah, exactly.
Marc:So then what happens is, like, I do it again, and I get it right.
Marc:I'm like, God knows somebody to get anywhere in this town.
Marc:And I'm like, fuck yeah, I nailed it.
Marc:But that expression didn't even exist then.
Marc:So it was probably like, yes, you know?
Guest:And then, like, Steve...
Marc:And then Steve comes up to me and he's like, Mark, you're scaring the ducks.
Guest:But it's on the DVD extra, the leaded scene.
Marc:I don't think it is.
Marc:He sent me the scenes on videotape, but I was cut out of the movie.
Marc:I get literally, I get a check every couple months for $1.13.
Guest:It's not bad.
Marc:No, fuck yeah.
Marc:It buys a half a cup of coffee.
Marc:Sure, that's parking meter money.
Marc:So tell me about the bus, because I feel like I should take the bus occasionally.
Marc:You should.
Marc:But, like, it scares me in L.A.
Marc:because, like, do they come?
Marc:Yeah, they come.
Marc:Okay.
Guest:If you're driving, you might see a bus on the street.
Marc:No, I do see a bus, and you should... Yeah, when I see them, I'm like, oh, fuck, I'm in the wrong lane.
Marc:Right, right.
Marc:That's my experience with buses.
Marc:But they go pretty fast.
Guest:Yeah?
Guest:They go as fast as they can.
Guest:They go out of the traffic, you know?
Guest:It might take you an extra ten minutes, depending on where you're going.
Marc:All right, I'll give it a try.
Marc:I just feel bad for not driving the bus.
Marc:I'm sorry.
Marc:No, no, don't apologize.
Marc:There's nothing funny about buses.
Guest:Where do you come from?
Marc:Where do I come from?
Marc:Yeah, I mean, did you just appear formed like this?
Marc:Because I don't...
Marc:I'm everywhere you are.
Marc:You know that.
Marc:I know that, but you always look the same.
Marc:You don't age.
Marc:It's getting weird.
Marc:There's Ron, and he's exactly the same.
Marc:What the fuck is going on with that guy?
Guest:Sorry.
Guest:Yes, Andy.
Guest:You don't have any stories about P.T.
Guest:Anderson?
Guest:Oh, I got a lot of them.
Guest:You do?
Guest:Yeah, but he didn't ask them yet.
Guest:I want to hear a real good one.
Guest:He's an asshole.
Guest:No, no, no.
Guest:I hear that it's a closed set.
Guest:Yeah, he's very particular.
Guest:It is a very closed set.
Guest:You sign a lot of things where you're not going to talk about stuff.
LAUGHTER
Guest:I'm not even allowed to hum the song I was playing.
Guest:It could be drums, which is kind of hard.
Marc:So you have to sign a promise that you can't?
Marc:But just tell us something.
Marc:You have to sign things.
Marc:The movie's out.
Marc:But just tell us one.
Marc:It's out, right?
Guest:It is out.
Guest:I wasn't allowed to say what the movie was about.
Guest:And then I'd be talking to somebody and they'd go, what was the movie?
Guest:I can't really talk.
Guest:Is it the one about Scientology?
Guest:Oh, yeah.
LAUGHTER
Guest:How do you know?
Guest:It's on the internet.
Guest:Oh, okay.
Guest:Yeah, there was no sense to signing it.
Marc:But you weren't ever afraid of Paul Thomas Anderson stooges coming after you?
Guest:Well, they have a guy follow you around.
Marc:No, they don't.
Guest:No.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:Give us one good story.
Guest:He's a great guy.
Guest:There's nothing bad, really.
Guest:He is really great.
Guest:I met him at Largo.
Guest:He used to come to Largo all the time, and he liked my act.
Guest:And the funny thing is, the casting... I was supposed to be in... There might be Blood playing the real estate guy, but then they locally cast four people.
Guest:I actually had a meeting in his office, like a 40s TV movie meeting, where he's sitting behind the desk, and the casting person's over here, and he's reading against me.
Guest:and it was really surreal in a way.
Guest:Even though I knew him, it was like a really bizarre thing.
Guest:And then I was in that movie, and then two weeks beforehand, Ron, we're really sorry.
Guest:There's a phone.
Guest:We're really sorry.
Guest:And
Guest:We're using local casting for that.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:But we promise you, you're in the next movie.
Guest:And what was the next movie?
Guest:This one?
Guest:This one, The Master.
Guest:So I show up as the drummer, and he doesn't know I'm there, and the casting person didn't call me.
Guest:Somebody else did.
Guest:Like Evan Schleder lined it up for me.
Guest:I have no idea who that is.
Guest:The casting person, he does some of the music in the movie.
Guest:So the casting person comes over and goes, Ron, what are you doing here?
Guest:I have your picture on my phone.
Guest:I was going to cast you.
Guest:It was only two days left of filming.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:And we'll have you meet the director.
Guest:And he walks out and he goes, wait a minute, you're the drummer?
Guest:I went, yeah, I have to get in your movie somehow.
Guest:And then he punched me.
Guest:He's great.
Guest:No, he's a super great guy.
Guest:Why don't you call him?
Guest:And very, very, very intense.
Guest:Yeah?
Guest:Very intense.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And doesn't say much at all.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Doesn't say much at all in terms of directing.
Guest:How old is he now?
Guest:That was really creepy.
Guest:How old is he right now, actually?
Marc:No, it's like my age, right?
Marc:What is my age?
Marc:46.
Marc:You're 46.
Guest:I'm 48.
Guest:Ron?
Guest:So anyway, he comes out.
Guest:You got a girlfriend?
Guest:75.
Guest:Huh?
Guest:You have a girlfriend?
Guest:Yes.
Guest:How's that going?
Guest:Pretty great.
Guest:She might hear this.
Guest:Yeah?
Guest:She might hear it.
Marc:You're happy and everything's good.
Guest:Oh, it's great.
Guest:I'm allergic to cats.
Guest:Really?
Guest:She has four.
Guest:Oh.
Guest:So what do you do?
Guest:I put them in, like, plastic bags when I come over.
Guest:We put food in the bag, and then we kind of put the bag.
Guest:There's holes in the bag.
Guest:Oh, yeah, of course.
Guest:That's nice.
Guest:I'm glad she lets you do that to her cats.
Guest:It works.
Guest:It works.
Guest:Ron Winch, ladies and gentlemen.
Guest:Thank you.
Thank you.
Marc:wow all right yeah let's move down oh boy this is going good i'm glad you guys are here everybody okay all right this guy uh was with the jackass crew as a as a shooter and uh and director and he's also done a he did a beautiful piece with uh maury sendak that i i just watched a documentary he's done a a shitload of music videos lance bangs ladies and gentlemen
Marc:Hey, buddy.
Marc:Nice to see you.
Guest:Glad I made it.
Marc:I'm glad you made it, too.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:Where'd you come in from?
Guest:Portland, Oregon, where I live.
Guest:Fucking Portland!
Woo!
Marc:tried i tried what's going on up there there's a lot of activity a lot of young people turning up and transforming the town in one way to another and then changing their mind and going back again i don't i it's the only city i've ever been to where i get there and i'm like what the is happening here yeah like there's like four there's like two blocks that have things on them yeah there's a lot of people walking around that look at you like you're you're wrong
Marc:I've never had that feeling before.
Marc:I've said this before about Portland where I get the feeling that everyone's sort of like, okay, he's here.
Marc:Don't tell him what's happening.
Guest:That's very, very true.
Guest:It's a whole city of Janine Garofalo's.
Guest:That's probably very true as well.
Guest:Were you around the year that Andy kind of tore up the whole town?
Guest:I heard about it.
Guest:Didn't he actually try to fuck the town?
Marc:He did.
Marc:Like he was just saying, I'm going to fuck the whole town.
Guest:Were you there at my final show?
Guest:Yes.
Guest:Because I wasn't.
Guest:No, really, were you there?
Guest:Yeah, yeah, and then you went from there to the Silverado, I think.
Guest:Tell me, because I took mushrooms before I left.
Guest:Yeah, you genuinely did try and put your dick on people who didn't want it.
Guest:No, I want to know about this show.
Guest:Oh, it was funny.
Guest:Wow.
Guest:Well, no, it started fighting.
Guest:I was on that show.
Guest:You were?
Guest:Yes.
Guest:You tried to get me to go out with you so you could... Anyway.
Marc:This is the greatest thing, is that comic asking someone else to tell him what his show was like, because he doesn't know.
Guest:You were doing the kind of Christina Aguilera thing, and then your clothes came off, and then you started kind of grinding against people.
Guest:Part of the show, you know.
LAUGHTER
Guest:There's a lawsuit in Texas about it.
Guest:No, but we were genuinely looking around town, trying to find you and help you and make sure you're okay.
Guest:You were part of that crew?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Oh, my God.
Guest:Well, no, not the entire time, but sort of in a, like, who's seen him, where can we... You didn't see the final one, then, because I... The mushrooms one.
Guest:There was a giant... It was like a lot of people.
Guest:That's all I remember, our lights and a lot of people.
Guest:I'm pretty sure you did a set after that, though, at that tanker place.
Guest:I don't think so.
Guest:Which is the one that you were at?
Guest:You were next door on the tanker, that big rock club.
Guest:You know, when everybody left, like, all the comics and everybody went back to L.A., I stayed, like, another week.
Guest:Doing what?
Guest:Just to party.
Guest:Who were you partying with?
Guest:I don't know.
LAUGHTER
Marc:It was a couple years ago.
Marc:I know what happened.
Marc:You eventually passed out and there was some weird house full of people that lived there.
Marc:One guy.
Marc:One guy who spent a week bringing his friends over going, do you want to see Andy?
Guest:Yeah, you're right.
Marc:And they'd open a door and you were just laying there naked.
Guest:And he'd go, pretty cool, right?
Guest:It was a little bit like that.
Marc:Fucking serious.
Marc:Lance, let's start with Jackass, can we?
Marc:Yeah, fair enough.
Marc:How'd you get involved with those?
Marc:Because I'm really interested, because initially, were you with them on the first movie or the second movie?
Marc:Yeah, the first movie.
Marc:Before I watched them and when I first heard of them, my first thought was, like, that's this fucking frat guy bullshit.
Marc:And then I watched them, like, oh, no, this is punk rock hilarity.
Marc:I mean, I watched some of the shit you sent me today.
Marc:What are those guys?
Marc:I mean, they're literally risking their life.
Marc:Did you feel that?
Guest:Yeah, and that can be good and bad.
Guest:There are times that it seems really funny, exciting, and electrifying to be filming it because they are putting themselves at risk.
Marc:Ridiculous bullshit.
Guest:For no great achievement or noble pursuit.
Guest:And yet other times when it goes wrong and it feels like someone did get genuinely hurt, you're like, what the fuck are we doing?
Guest:There's no excuse for this.
Guest:It's not worth it.
Marc:When he got shot?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:So I wasn't there for that.
Guest:Everyone else kind of avoided that.
Marc:What was one of the moments where everyone was like, oh, fuck.
Guest:Well, we went to a golf course, like a disused miniature golf course that was on the verge of bankruptcy in kind of near the border of Delaware in Pennsylvania in the middle of like maybe February or so.
Guest:And the grass is all dead.
Guest:No one's using it.
Guest:And we got these golf carts.
Guest:And then like there are kind of these guys that affiliate with the jackass crew who are kind of good at taking apart engines and like boosting them up or taking off the governor or cranking up the regulars so it can go faster.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:trying to spray paint them and take out the safety features and the things that would slow you down and just do whatever they could to destroy a miniature golf course.
Guest:And we thought it'd be funny and visual and kinetic and a good time.
Guest:And just the idea of getting into these formal plaid golf wear and the hats and everything is a good start.
Guest:And we had more than enough footage to make the piece funny.
Guest:They decimated an entire course and drove through the windmills and crashed it all apart.
Guest:And the sun was starting to go down.
Guest:It was cold and we shouldn't have been there anymore.
Guest:And it's starting to feel kind of creepy.
Guest:And it's maybe like the feeling of that Night of the Living Dead movie that was shot in that similar terrain.
Guest:And then Knoxville is like, oh, someone take that giant pig that we destroyed and lay that down in a sand trap.
Guest:And then Ryan Dunn, who's this amazing guy but not a good driver, is driving.
Guest:And PJ is like holding a...
Guest:A camera.
Guest:And they hit the sand trap and hit the pig and just flip upside down.
Guest:The thing comes down on top and nearly severs Knoxville's neck.
Guest:So he's out, concussed, laying down.
Guest:And from a distance, it looks like he just genuinely got killed.
Guest:And so it's dark.
Guest:It's not funny.
Guest:It's not exciting or dramatic.
Guest:And everyone just runs in like, oh, what?
Guest:are we doing what's going on here so you know after a couple minutes of him being kind of almost pinned under the saying we kind of flip it off and and he ends up being okay and miraculously like it crashed down all around him but he survived and uh and then you look at the footage because at that point you're like I should just walk away and go home and get back to a life where this isn't going to happen I'm not liable um
Guest:But you look at the playback and he wants to see it and he's half concussed but needs to know, did you get the shot?
Guest:And then you look at it and it looks amazing.
Guest:You just see this thing that's never happened before probably in kinetics of this golf cart flipping up and then people at great peril and they walk away and go to the hospital and then drink later the next night.
Guest:So it's a great time, great camaraderie and a bunch of wonderful guys.
Guest:And like you said, not really frat jockey, which might have been the way that people could have judged him from the outset at the beginning, but more sort of like a
Guest:Savvy, clever, prankster, art-damaged, SST, punk rock.
Marc:Yeah, you get that right away.
Marc:I don't think I had laughed as hard as I did in just literally the opening segment of the first fucking movie, right out of the gate.
Marc:It was hilarious.
Marc:And you work with Spike Jonze on all that stuff?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Well, Jeff Tremaine directs all those jackass films.
Guest:He's a guy that kind of grew up.
Guest:Around the same area as Spike and met him pretty early on.
Marc:But weren't they like skaters?
Marc:Yeah, exactly.
Guest:Spike was kind of more of a BMX bike background and then came out to Torrance, California when he left high school and didn't go to college or anything.
Guest:Came out here and worked at some kind of BMX and skateboard culture magazines.
Guest:Were you that guy too?
Guest:No, I was more of like a sort of...
Guest:in Athens, Georgia, making films with R.E.M., kind of teenage personal filmmaker.
Guest:And I think Spike saw some of that stuff through bands, like through Sonic Youth or R.E.M., and then wanted me to come kind of start shooting stuff with him.
Guest:So I think I came into the Jackass thing not as like an extreme sports action dude, skater kind of guy.
Guest:It was more like...
Guest:The guy that was maybe, if they needed to know something was in focus and beautifully framed for a poetic moment or personality thing, they would throw me into the mix for those things to kind of get that while they got the gnarly stunt sequences and all that.
Guest:Yes, Andy.
Guest:I now remember you because I think...
Guest:Not from Portland.
Guest:I'm thinking in the movies, and I think on a number of occasions, I think it's you that gets, and I don't remember what, it's either pee, poo, vomit, or cum on you.
Guest:And you start vomiting.
Guest:You start dry heaving.
Guest:Which one was it?
Guest:Or multiple times.
Guest:That's him.
Guest:He's holding the camera, and they fuck with you.
Guest:That's right.
Guest:Do you guys know that?
Guest:They fuck with him.
Guest:And they come on you or shit on you or vomit on you or something.
Guest:I'm getting it wrong?
Guest:But I remember you getting, you get real angry.
Guest:Yes.
Guest:Real?
Guest:I can tell it's real.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:He's gagging.
Guest:That wasn't really that deliberate, but it's kind of built up to being this maybe funny thing of the guy that's in the room that isn't the gnarly
Guest:skater dude what was that one the first thing we were uh we had this idea that they come up with about you know trying to deliberately do paper cuts on themselves and then dunk that into an aquarium full of rubbing alcohol yeah and then film the reaction we tried it in florida uh in these kind of cheap cd motels how the fuck do these guys think of that they're just wasted and steve i was like dude we gotta fucking put our head in a meat grinder and then hit it
Guest:It's a lot more kind of Tom and Jerry, Roadrunner, cartoon-based, like, what can you do that you would not want to do?
Guest:So this was paper cuts, aquarium full of alcohol.
Guest:We tried doing it in this seedy motel in Miami, and it's so humid there that you couldn't really get a good paper cut going.
Guest:You need, like, a drier climate.
Guest:So...
Guest:We shot and shot and then just kind of drank the alcohol from the aquarium and gave up on that one.
Guest:And then tried it again in like an indoor motel.
Guest:And it was like a cheap motel in a different part of Florida where we sealed all the windows and turned on all these hot lights.
Guest:And it kind of dried out and desiccated everything in the room.
Guest:And it had been, I think, the room that Steve-O had been staying in for the previous week or two.
Guest:It smelled horrible.
Guest:No ventilation.
Guest:And, you know, we're filming these like long days.
Guest:And at that point in the first movie, it wasn't like a...
Guest:You didn't stop to take a break and follow any protocol, union type of regulation.
Guest:So it's just like you go get this thing, you go to the next thing, you run to the next thing, you dodge, you talk to the cops at that one, get set up for the next thing.
Guest:And so we're trying to pull this off at the end of the day, extremely hot, no ventilation, heavy cameras, and the room fills with the fumes of the evaporating gallons of alcohol in an aquarium and the blood and everything else that's going on in that room.
Guest:And then...
Guest:I grabbed some weird cheese pizza that someone brought me to have something to eat, and it was one of those weird deep dish things where they buried a layer of pepperoni underneath it, and I hadn't eaten meat since that Smith's record came out in 1985 or whatever.
Guest:So I didn't realize what was happening, but it tasted saltier than it should, and I've got this...
Guest:thing and it smells and it's horrible and this weight on my shoulder and I just start to get woozy and then they kind of notice that I'm veering back and forth while holding the camera and they're like what's going on Lance and then I just kind of like pass out and vomit and collapse and the camera nearly shatters and then it just adds to the energy of the bit yeah that's what's horrible about those guys are like oh he's fucked up let's make it worse exactly yeah
Guest:And then once they discover that weakness, I think in subsequent films, whenever something would get completely vile, I usually was the one that had to kind of stay with the shot.
Guest:Everyone else would run away and take off and flee.
Guest:And I'd be the one that stayed in the van while the guy shat his pants and couldn't deal with it.
Guest:And I wanted to like, get the shot, get the shot, and then get overtaken by the fumes and start vomiting.
Guest:And then when we got to the 3D movie it was kind of inevitable that at some point I would end up getting triggered to vomit into the camera.
Marc:Did they ever get to the point like, come on!
Guest:Yeah, but I don't really respond to that.
Guest:They don't really fake anything or stage anything.
Guest:They have pretty strong ethics about not cheating or setting anything up.
Guest:It has to be real vomit.
Guest:It has to genuinely happen.
Guest:So they were hoping or waiting for it to happen maybe and it wasn't and then finally there was a sequence that just kind of pushed me over the edge.
Guest:Which one was that?
Guest:It was this, like, room that they were exercising in in the back of that same motel in Florida, which is just a very accommodating hotel for some reason.
Guest:People are groaning just at the idea of that crew exercising.
Guest:And this, like, exercise room and this guy, Preston Lacey, wearing maybe, like, a saran wrap outfit so that as he sweats, it'll all collect on his skin and then collect into a funnel, like, at the bottom of his crotch and come out a tube and Steve-O will then drink the results.
LAUGHTER
Guest:So the stakes are kind of high going in, and it's kind of known like, all right, we're going to probably, you know, someone keep a shot on Lance at all times.
Guest:And then, you know, sure enough, as it built, and other people start vomiting.
Guest:And I have to say, like, in my defense, I feel like I'm not the first to vomit.
Guest:I think other guys on the set and the crew throw up first, but that it's maybe funnier that, like, I get overtaken.
Guest:That's entertainment.
Guest:Number one box office hit in America three times in a row.
Guest:That's amazing.
Guest:Thank you.
Marc:So you've shot documentaries of Pavement, Nirvana, REM.
Marc:You've done dozens.
Guest:Yeah, yeah.
Marc:You did Nirvana towards the end, right?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Well, I guess what I've mostly done with them is sort of whenever they've done box sets and DVDs to kind of archivally go through everything and produce the DVDs and put that all together.
Yeah.
Guest:But did you ever shoot them live?
Guest:I saw them live a bunch and did not direct any of those major concert things or whatever.
Guest:I was like maybe 19 or 20 when they were still performing.
Guest:So I shot personal footage and saw them live and worked with everyone kind of immediately afterwards and then kind of taken on helping to put all the stuff together for the box sets.
Marc:And also you do those portraits of directors.
Guest:Yeah, those were I guess in the early 2000s when DVDs were more of a going concern.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Did those director's label DVDs for Michelle Gondry and Spike Jones and Chris Cunningham and Mark Romanek and everyone, yeah.
Guest:You're like the archivist.
Guest:Yeah, in a weird way.
Guest:And I haven't set out to it, but I feel like I keep getting asked by interesting people to come hang out and be around and do stuff or collaborate on things.
Guest:I have some bins in my shed.
Guest:I really do.
Guest:It's like all this old stuff.
Guest:I would love to collaborate.
Guest:I've got footage of you.
LAUGHTER
Guest:I've got footage of you that I shot sort of around the Mr. Show era.
Guest:When I was on Mr. Show, I got cut out.
Guest:I was Eleanor Roosevelt.
Guest:During that, it was like that.
Guest:That, and then we did a little bit of stuff on the movie, maybe?
Guest:Run, Ronnie, Run?
Guest:Am I remembering that right?
Guest:Once again, I don't think I was there.
Guest:Okay.
Marc:Did you shoot Cross's last special?
Guest:I did, yeah.
Guest:I directed sort of a documentary with him called Let America Laugh in the early 2000s.
Guest:He kind of wanted to tour in rock venues rather than comedy clubs after sort of early 2000s freak out of political stuff in the States.
Guest:And then did that last stand-up special for him.
Guest:Yeah, I guess I've all been doing stand-up specials.
Guest:I did one for Rob Delaney that just went up online in the past week or two.
Guest:How's it doing?
Guest:So good.
Guest:I think it's doing all right.
Marc:Yes.
Marc:He's so funny.
Marc:He was on an early WTF.
Marc:It was heavy.
Marc:It was good.
Marc:He's got a good story.
Marc:You should call him.
Marc:So, all right.
Marc:Now let's talk about the Sendak thing.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Because I thought that was amazing.
Marc:Oh, good.
Marc:I'm glad you got to see it.
Marc:Lance did, and I guess Spike, you did it together.
Marc:You visited Maurice Sendak.
Marc:Gang.
Marc:I know.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Now, where did that come from?
Guest:I just wanted you to know.
Marc:He talks about it.
Guest:I know.
Guest:I wanted you to know.
Guest:All right.
Marc:Sorry.
Marc:What are you like?
Marc:You're like the male Kathy Griffin.
Marc:I know you're not.
Marc:You're much nicer.
Marc:But you started with shooting him in 2003?
Guest:I would say maybe 2005 was when I really concentrated on it.
Guest:I think Spike might have had some footage in 2004, maybe the end of 2004.
Marc:And you just visited him.
Marc:It's very interesting.
Marc:What is it, like 45 minutes?
Marc:But these are just chosen snippets of conversation to create a portrait of an amazing artist.
Guest:Yeah, absolutely.
Guest:Basically, he had befriended Spike maybe in the mid-'90s.
Guest:did not do a book called Herod and the Purple Cran, but he owned the rights to it.
Guest:Crockett Johnson wrote and illustrated it.
Guest:And Spike was interested in maybe making a film of that in the mid-'90s or so.
Guest:And so they kind of got to know each other at that point, and Maurice was really kind of taken with him and interested in the way that his mind worked and what his approach would have been.
Guest:And separate from that, I guess Maurice had been trying to get someone to develop a version of Where the Wild Things Are as a film, but would get dissatisfied with most of the people that were taking a stab at it or trying to put it together.
Guest:He kind of didn't feel like it...
Guest:was what he would want it to be.
Guest:And then finally got Spike to take a look at maybe reinterpreting it as a way that was more personal to Spike and sort of adding to it and building it into this kind of larger film.
Marc:I love that movie.
Marc:Did he like that movie?
Marc:Yeah, he did.
Guest:It's really interesting.
Marc:A lot of people were like, what the fuck?
Guest:You know he's gay, right?
LAUGHTER LAUGHTER
Guest:So we started visiting with no clear purpose for what we were going to do, but just felt like this guy is fascinating.
Guest:And he impressed upon us the idea that he was about to die at any moment and that we better say goodbye really warmly or come back and see him soon because he'd be dead.
Guest:And so we really had that sort of, I took it seriously at least.
Guest:felt this like, oh man, what can I change my schedule and find to do in the New York area and drive up and see him in February because he's fascinating and he's going to be gone and this has to be preserved and we've got to get more stories out of him and keep going.
Guest:And so that went on for maybe like five years of just like continuously going to drive and like he would, you know, he would go in and get medical treatment for things and then kind of come out fine but you'd be so worried and you loved him and he was an amazing person and you'd feel such a sense of urgency to it and you'd love the time you spent with him and then find out that like he's kind of tricking us and he's
Guest:He's not dying.
Guest:He likes to think about death.
Guest:What's it called again?
Guest:Tell Them Anything You Want, A Portrait of Maurice Smith.
Marc:You've got to see this.
Marc:For anything, I'm not going to spoil it, but the Lindbergh baby story is fucking mind-blowing that he was able to track this thing that caused this.
Marc:It's a great movie, and thanks for being here, Lance.
Marc:It's great to see you.
Marc:You good?
Marc:All right, we've got the, I guess we can all hang out.
Marc:Can we please bring out the lovely and cantankerous Jim Earl?
Marc:Wow.
Marc:Are we doing the thing?
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:Okay.
Guest:Jesus fucking Christ.
Guest:How long is this fucking show anyway?
Guest:It's all right.
Guest:I'm all right.
Marc:This is gluten-free.
Guest:Oh, really?
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:You forgot to read my intro.
Guest:I will.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Jim will be appearing at Dick's Asparagus Pea Pavilion.
Okay.
Marc:Volcano Pete's Chunk Blow Snark Pit and Mud Wallow and the Mount Shasta Shit Creek and Monkey Lick Masonic Hall.
Guest:That's a good gig.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:You got to get in on that.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:The Masons are hilarious people.
Guest:They're very fun loving.
Guest:Do we have music?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:This is my every, you know, I go around the cafes around the town and I put my innermost thoughts and record everything I want to have recorded.
Guest:And I just thought I'd share that with you tonight.
Guest:3 p.m.
Guest:Hail Satan.
Guest:Father of lies, demon of hell, Lord Harry, Beezlebub, by Satanic Majesty, Lord of the Flies, Honey Boo Boo Child.
Guest:Oh, pockmarked penised one.
Guest:Help me understand this world.
Guest:Why is Seth Meyers' voice so annoying?
Guest:3.35 p.m.
Guest:Action items for tomorrow.
Guest:Find spiritual center through yoga, then use newfound sense of self to destroy lives of others.
Guest:4 p.m.
Guest:Gosh, life is such a puzzle.
Guest:My dad spent his whole life collecting tin foil and all he ever got from it was kicked in the nuts.
Guest:You know, if I could go back in time knowing everything I know now, I'd probably wait until after high school to marry my sister.
Guest:5 p.m.
Guest:Last night I dreamed I ate a 10-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up, the neighbor's kids were found strangled.
Guest:Oh, God.
Guest:6 p.m.
Guest:Is it all one day?
Guest:Yeah, this is... You know, I just write these things down.
Guest:Yeah, you're out.
Guest:Because, you know, they're entertaining.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Or informative.
Guest:No, and reflective, I think.
Guest:Reflective as well.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I open my heart up to America, not unlike you do.
Guest:Yes.
Guest:With your garage podcast.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:You get people to cry.
Guest:How come I'm never invited to your goddamn garage?
Marc:All right.
Marc:We'll do it.
Marc:We'll do it.
Marc:We'll do it.
Guest:You're just going to yell at me.
Guest:You know, there's not enough tears.
Guest:6 p.m.
Guest:Today I had lunch at the Betty Davis picnic area.
Guest:It's got Betty Davis flies.
Guest:Yeah, flies, yeah?
Guest:Flies.
Guest:7 p.m.
Guest:7 p.m.
Guest:I hope Mark doesn't think I'm using this journal thing just to shamelessly read a bunch of my shitty jokes.
Guest:That I do in my act.
Marc:Never crossed my mind.
Guest:7.45 p.m.
Guest:The McRibs making a comeback.
Guest:You know, if I had a buck for every time the McRibs made a comeback, I'd have colon cancer.
Guest:Because meat's bad.
Guest:Yeah, it's very bad for you.
Guest:A lot of sodium.
Guest:8 p.m.
Guest:God, I hope Mark doesn't invite me up to his place for dinner again.
Guest:I always get distracted by his neck crust.
Guest:11.30 p.m.
Guest:Place is closed and I'm locked in.
Guest:Why did I spend so much time in the restroom?
Guest:I don't even know what that means.
Guest:Just keep it down, Andy, will you?
Guest:And...
Guest:12 midnight.
Guest:I am a breakfast roll.
Guest:3.30 a.m.
Guest:I press my buttocks onto a hot cheesy babooza and weep the tears of the damned.
Guest:Mmm.
Guest:It's a delicious blend of batter, fermented cabbage, and malted velveta.
Guest:I have adapted this to suit my purposes.
Mmm.
Guest:It's going to close big, right?
Guest:That'll make it funnier right there.
Guest:3.45 a.m.
Guest:Through a series of complex endocrine injections, I have created woman out of an ordinary bundt cake.
Guest:Fashioned my own currency from toenail clippings and a shredded screener of girls.
Guest:Now for a scone.
Guest:6 a.m.
Guest:Here I sit upon my throne of urine-soaked croissants and await the onslaught of vermin who dare try to usurp my reign.
Guest:I hear them beating on the front door.
Guest:Thank God for fire.
Guest:At last I am erect.
Guest:Thank you.
Marc:Thank you, Jim.
Marc:Again, Dick's Asparagus Pea Pavilion.
Thank you.
Marc:Volcano pizza.
Marc:Do you want to sell the book or anything?
Marc:Do you have questions for anybody?
Marc:No.
Marc:I have to go to the bathroom.
Guest:Go.
Guest:But I'll be back.
Guest:Go.
Guest:I have to go.
Guest:What time is it?
Guest:I have to go do my midnight show.
Guest:It's not 11 o'clock.
Guest:You and I are playing music at midnight.
Guest:It's 10 to 10.
Guest:Can I plug my show anyway?
Guest:Sure.
Guest:I do the Tomorrow Show every Saturday at midnight.
Guest:And it's at the Steve Allen Theater in Los Feliz.
Guest:Thank you.
Guest:And Jim and I are in a band tonight playing on the show.
Marc:All right.
Marc:Let's hang out.
Marc:Move down.
Marc:We'll let Eddie do his thing.
Marc:Eddie Pepitone is one of the funniest guys alive.
Marc:He also just got back from Scotland, which I think we're all excited to hear about.
Marc:Eddie Pepitone, where are you, buddy?
Woo!
Guest:Hello, everybody.
Guest:This is my triumphant return.
Guest:Don't take this personally, but I really hate the weather here after being in Scotland.
Guest:Scotland 50s.
Guest:You dig it?
Guest:You don't fucking walk around in this soup, this shitty soup.
Guest:Oh, the Endeavor, we're dying, but the Endeavor's above us.
Guest:That's what Los Angelinos are like, right?
Guest:It's like, oh, we can't breathe, but look, they're retiring the Endeavor.
Guest:It's 150 degrees, it's soupy, shit, smog, fucked, bad television, but the Endeavor is there.
Guest:You look great.
Guest:I like Scotland.
Guest:You look great.
Guest:I do?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:You look shaved.
Guest:You look healthy.
Guest:I do.
Marc:You don't look beaten up.
Guest:I feel so beaten up.
Marc:You're not wearing a hat, which I like.
Guest:Well, I got a haircut, and when I get a haircut, I like to show it off, you know?
Guest:And I realize I don't have a lot of hair, but in my mind...
Guest:and I have beautiful eyes.
Guest:You know I do.
Guest:You can see them.
Marc:Listen, let's talk.
Guest:I don't know what I'm saying anymore, and it doesn't matter.
Guest:I have stopped wanting to be loved.
Guest:That's not true.
Guest:No, I don't feel that at all.
Guest:I feel tears very close to the surface.
Guest:Here we go.
Guest:He always does this to me.
Guest:I don't know what this is about, but by the way...
Guest:Mark is always like, you're wearing a mask, Eddie.
Marc:Look, all I want to hear about, honestly, I was in Scotland for a month.
Marc:It was fucking horrendous.
Guest:It was fucking hard, man.
Marc:Yeah?
Guest:The weather was very good.
Guest:That's when you're getting old, right?
Guest:You talk about the weather a lot.
Marc:No, but it's just full of drunk people and tourists, and you wander around, and did people come to your show?
Marc:Let's talk about week one.
Marc:Oh, that's good.
Guest:They did.
Guest:I had a lot of people... Did people hear about the incident, too, where you, Grant, couldn't get into my show?
Guest:That was fucking hilarious, by the way.
Marc:You made the tabloids?
Guest:I made the tabloids because one of the guys who really liked my show did a one-man show there.
Guest:Everybody has a one-man show at this festival.
Guest:The Edinburgh Fringe Festival goes from the beginning of August to the end of August.
Guest:It's like two weeks too long because after about two weeks, it's not a festival anymore.
Guest:It's like a hostage crisis, right?
Guest:LAUGHTER
Guest:Like all the... No, everybody wants to go home if you're from America.
Guest:The UK comics are cool because they can just take a train.
Marc:But it's also part of their thing.
Marc:They're like, they know they're going to spend a month there.
Marc:We don't fucking spend a month anywhere.
Marc:Two weeks into that thing, you're like, holy fuck.
Marc:I don't even want to look at these people anymore.
Guest:Totally.
Marc:By that, I mean drunk Scottish people.
Guest:Yeah, they weave and they sing.
Guest:That's what happens.
Guest:They get really drunk and they weave and sing through the streets.
Guest:And I'm like behind them going, what are you singing about?
Marc:Okay, so Hugh Grant, what happened?
Guest:Oh, no, it was a little bit of a tabloid.
Guest:He showed up at my show because one of the guys who, like me, has a one-man show about tabloids, and Hugh Grant befriended this guy, so this guy's like, you've got to see this American comic.
Guest:Hugh Grant was like, all right, and he showed up with seven women.
Guest:That's how Hugh Grant rolls.
Guest:He showed up with seven women.
Marc:That's a lot of overcompensating.
Yeah.
Guest:You call it what you like, my friend.
Marc:What are you going to do with seven women, Andy?
Guest:I can think of at least seven things.
Guest:Don't ask me.
Guest:I'm the one that brought five guys.
Marc:Okay.
Marc:But I know you go either.
Marc:All right.
Marc:Whatever.
Marc:Go ahead.
Marc:Sorry.
Guest:No.
Guest:So anyway, two of them didn't have ID.
Marc:So five of age women, two underage women.
Marc:Now that's a good story.
Marc:Who the fuck knows what happens?
Guest:But they didn't have ID.
Guest:Now ask me what to do with them.
Guest:What to do?
Guest:Well, I smell two lawsuits.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Right.
Marc:I'm glad you went after that second beat.
Marc:I love you, man.
Marc:Go ahead.
Marc:So Hugh doesn't get in.
Marc:You go outside.
Guest:So Hugh doesn't get in, and the bouncers, they're kind of like Scottish mafia who don't let people in.
Marc:Are they really Scottish mafia, or are you just making that up?
Marc:Are they just big Scottish guys?
Guest:People said they were part of some kind of syndicate, and I immediately thought, oh, syndication, that's good, right?
LAUGHTER
Guest:It was a TV joke, right?
Guest:I know, it was good.
Guest:No, it's good to be back here.
Guest:The Endeavor television.
Guest:Here we go.
Guest:You know, I was actually, I'm making fun of the Endeavor, but I was crying.
Guest:I was crying.
Guest:And that shows you how fucked up I got in Scotland because I got nervous exhaustion, I think, because my shows were midnight every night.
Guest:It was 24 shows in 25 nights.
Guest:And I scream.
Guest:I'm like, from the word go, and I really, I so intensely want to be liked.
Guest:that not loved but liked and I was like just screaming for an hour every night and I couldn't sleep because my show was at midnight so I got progressively more exhausted.
Marc:Did you get delusional?
Guest:I didn't get delusional.
Marc:Let's talk about this endeavor thing real quick.
Marc:I started crying.
Marc:I found myself moved too.
Guest:What were we moved about?
Guest:American Achievement?
What?
Guest:He was saying that on television.
Guest:The American spirit.
Guest:Look at that.
Marc:It's got to have something to do with that.
Marc:You're right.
Marc:I'm looking at it.
Marc:It's a plane with a spaceship on it and two planes following it.
Marc:And there's part of me that's like, oh, look at it.
Marc:You know what?
Guest:I actually think the reason that people were crying is that we've gone.
Guest:This is really my analysis of it.
Guest:Is it really your analysis?
Guest:Yes, it is.
Guest:We've gone so low into cynicism and
Guest:and just like the war mentality, like this country, like the people of this country, and also the just rampant unemployment and terrible sadness, especially on this podcast.
Guest:That's not really even a shot at Mark.
Guest:That's just a shot at, you know.
Guest:But I think that people in general kind of feel that this country is just kind of a country that promotes war.
Guest:and doesn't give a shit about people and its own people.
Guest:And so then the endeavor is like, oh, hold it.
Guest:We actually, you know, because everybody in this country now just checks their phones.
Guest:That's all they do.
Guest:People just check their phones.
Guest:That's what we're known for now.
Marc:I think it's something to do with like feeling proud of something.
Marc:Yes.
Guest:Well, I don't think Americans feel proud of anything anymore.
Marc:But I had nothing to do with that.
Guest:No, there still is a feeling.
Guest:Yes, Andy.
Guest:Andy.
Guest:Well, you guys saw it?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I saw it on television.
Guest:I was working on two broke girls yesterday.
Guest:No, and I say that not to impress anybody.
Guest:Because I'm an edgy comic, and when an edgy comic says, I was working on two broke girls, there's a big, big chasm of credibility.
Guest:I don't even know what I'm talking about, but I'm impressed.
Marc:Could you share one of your lines that you did on Two Broke Girls?
Guest:We're rehearsing it now, but what was I... I say... Do it.
Guest:Do it.
Guest:Do it.
Guest:Well, I play... I don't know if this is legal, but I play a... No, because it hasn't aired yet!
Guest:And if you knew something about television, instead of sticking your ass in the Endeavor accomplishments...
Guest:Everybody sticks their ass now in NASA's accomplishments in L.A.
Guest:Imagine if L.A.
Guest:became... Imagine if because of the endeavor being retired here, everybody just became a big asshole about NASA here.
Guest:Yeah, NASA's here.
Yeah.
Guest:Like they became really puffed up about NASA.
Guest:You know what NASA's doing these days in JPL?
Guest:Jet Propulsion Laboratory.
Guest:You know what?
Guest:No, some people don't know it.
Guest:You know what they're doing?
Guest:This is like in the hills, they're having parties.
Guest:You know what they're doing?
Guest:They're developing a thing that's going to tell us whether or not there's water on Jupiter.
Guest:Because Mars apparently is a no-go.
Guest:You're tapped, yeah.
Guest:Like, why do people care if there's water on Mars, by the way?
Guest:There's no fucking water in L.A.
Guest:Exactly.
Guest:There's no water in L.A.
Guest:We fucking divert it from Colorado.
Marc:Is this the scene in Chinatown where the sheep come in?
Marc:The... Couple people.
Marc:Couple people.
Marc:And I didn't even yell.
Marc:I know you didn't.
Guest:But I... I'm trying not to yell anymore because I tore my voice up.
Guest:What's the line from Broke Girls?
Guest:Oh, well, I play a sleazy clothing store owner, and the two beautiful broke girls come in, and I'm like, oh, and I'm eating a pastrami sandwich.
Guest:By the way, when I get these parts, I am not proud of them, and I do not like how the industry sees me.
Guest:Because they see me as like the guy who has pastrami in his mouth and who's really sleazy going, oh, mm, mm.
Guest:And that's what I do.
Guest:Oh, I wasn't expecting ladies.
Guest:We usually just sell to pastors and pimps.
Guest:That's the line.
Guest:Really?
Guest:How do you feel about that?
Guest:I feel pretty good.
Guest:The money is very good.
Guest:And then I think, oh, are you selling out, Eddie?
Guest:Because on Twitter, I'm very radical.
Marc:How would you have done the line if you were given complete creative freedom?
Marc:Um, got the pastrami.
Guest:You know, I don't know about you, but when I get on a sitcom, you have a show now, right?
Guest:And it's about you, so it's a different thing.
Guest:But when I get on a sitcom set, like all my creativity goes out the fucking window and I just do exactly what they tell me.
Guest:Like there's a lot of actors.
Guest:No, a lot of actors get on the sets and they're like, what if we, they do this shit.
Guest:What if we do it this way?
Guest:And I'm like, let's just do it and get the fuck out of here.
Guest:You know what I mean?
Guest:Like, they wrote it.
Guest:I'll do it the way they want it.
Marc:Let's say, like, okay, the part is Eddie Pepitone.
Marc:You're the guy at the store.
Marc:You're eating a sandwich.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:And the two broke girls come in.
Marc:And what would I really say?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:What the fuck do you two cunts want?
Guest:I don't know where that came from.
Guest:Yeah, you don't?
Guest:I think that came from Staten Island.
Yeah.
Guest:Did you guys leave the soundstage to look up at the... Yeah, now... Everybody did.
Guest:Now, and I'm going to drop another name.
Guest:I looked out the window.
Guest:And I don't want people... I know what you're going to say.
Guest:P.T.
Guest:Anderson was directing that episode.
Guest:No, that's... No, but I was hanging out with, and I love her, Jennifer Coolidge was doing a part.
Guest:She's a really... She's probably one of the funniest women ever.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And so she was like, oh, yeah, I just saw it.
Guest:That's how she talks.
Guest:If you knew her...
Guest:Like I know her, which is cursorily.
Guest:You look like you do a couple of times.
Guest:I was sitting over there, and you just did that big eye rub.
Marc:You know what bothers me?
Marc:I should be happy.
Marc:Everything's going pretty well, but I still have these moments of weird, jealous anger.
Marc:Oh, me too.
Guest:Me too, because things are going... For no reason.
Guest:Me too, and that is a thing that is such a deep wound, I realize.
Guest:Now we're talking.
Guest:No, to be jealous over everything, and I'm jealous over everything.
Guest:Like if I hear a guy got a good parking spot, I'm like, really?
Guest:No, I'm serious.
Guest:And then it gets deeper.
Guest:The jealousy gets deeper.
Guest:Like, oh, this guy got a... This guy got a... I don't know.
Guest:He got a show.
Guest:He got this and that.
Guest:And I just... It's like even if they're nice people, I'm like, you know, I don't like it.
Marc:Have you ever had that moment where you're driving and you change lanes?
Marc:I know everyone has this moment, and then the other lane just starts moving, right?
Marc:And then you do it again, and then the other lane happens.
Marc:Yes!
Marc:I feel like there is something.
Marc:But within three beats, you're like, this explains my entire life.
Marc:Yes!
Marc:Like, I am unable to get on the right line for anything.
Marc:Yes.
Marc:And that, like, this is just what I have to live with.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Or at TJ's or at any fucking supermarket, you pick the line, and then it's the one where the woman starts writing a check, and you're like, are you fucking kidding me?
Marc:Yes.
Marc:Are you fucking kidding me?
Marc:Who even has checks?
Marc:And then you're like, this is just like the parking thing.
Marc:This is like my fucking life.
Marc:Right at the end of it, it's going to be like, you made it.
Guest:And it doesn't seem like success changes it.
Guest:If I get things, I still feel bad.
Guest:I still feel that anger.
Guest:And then I get confused even further because I'm like, oh, but I should.
Guest:feel better because I'm getting things now, so why do I still hate X?
Guest:Because he got this.
Guest:I don't hate anybody.
Guest:Yeah?
Guest:Yeah, I will.
Guest:Wait, hold on.
Marc:That's a lie.
Marc:I don't want to say hate, but I have some strong feelings.
Guest:But I think guys like me and you, I think we're going to have like Eckhart Tolle type breakthroughs, which Eckhart Tolle, if any of you guys know him, he wrote The Powers Now and he's become this big...
Marc:But he slept on a bench for years.
Marc:That's his big selling point.
Marc:Like, I slept on a bench.
Marc:I understand shit.
Marc:What kind of fucking pitch is that?
Guest:The reason why he slept on a bench for years is because he hurtled.
Guest:He hurtled into bliss.
Guest:And...
Guest:A lot of people will never use that phrase, hurtling into bliss.
Guest:But I think guys like me and you are going to hurtle into bliss one day.
Guest:I'm being serious because we are so trapped in a morass of hate and anxiety and dread.
Guest:It's anxiety and dread.
Marc:Joe.
Marc:It's anxiety and dread.
Guest:The yoga people don't know shit.
Guest:He's a very angry yogi.
Guest:Oh, well, that's okay.
Guest:The yoga people, they're so uptight and angry.
Marc:They're so angry.
Marc:Wait a minute, I will defend Joe.
Marc:Well, you have to defend Joe, but...
Marc:He's angry.
Marc:No, he is.
Guest:No, I have been to yoga classes.
Guest:I've been to yoga classes where if you touch someone's mat, they give you this horrible look.
Guest:And I'm like, fuck you, man.
Marc:Wait a minute.
Marc:Why are you touching other people's mats?
Marc:Are you that fucking guy who's like, oh, shit.
Marc:And you're all of a sudden like, how does it happen that you touch someone's mat?
Marc:Do you do it on purpose?
Marc:Like, how does this make you feel?
Marc:Andy knows what it is.
Guest:They're so uptight.
Guest:I hate it.
Guest:They're so uptight.
Guest:They overcrowd these yoga classes.
Guest:I don't know if you do this, Joe.
Guest:But they overcrowd these fucking classes because it's like, oh, we want to get 50 people into this space.
Marc:They don't want to deny anyone the opportunity to practice.
Guest:Well, and they also work on tips.
Guest:And then whenever I leave, if I, you know, lately I'm not made of cash anymore.
Guest:They work on tips.
Guest:I'm sorry, Joe.
Guest:The ones I go to, I go to that one in Santa Monica.
Guest:I'm not going anywhere but the Y, buddy.
Guest:And I go and I do the thing because the woman, she stands by the box to make sure you're going to put money in her box.
Guest:And I just kind of do that thing like, yep, there we go.
Guest:But I don't put anything in it.
Marc:I do have a problem with the proximity thing I usually get there as early as possible so I can have a corner so at least one side of me is not someone else's ass and I just like because I just want to have a little space and then they stack up and then there's people right there and it fucks up is part of the practice tolerating other people's fucking presence
Guest:They're so uptight, right?
Marc:They're just mean.
Guest:They're mean people.
Guest:There's a reason you're there.
Guest:I got to do more yoga.
Guest:You're an angry, uptight asshole.
Guest:And you got to do more yoga.
Guest:And this guy, if you're making it your life, well, he needs to do it.
Guest:It's either that or do heroin.
Guest:He's so uptight, he needs to be doing yoga every day.
Guest:Joe, is that true?
Guest:Right, Eddie?
Guest:Your biggest psychotics are meditating.
Guest:Yes, they have to.
Guest:I'm kidding about that.
Marc:You've got to be psychotic to believe that you're going somewhere else.
Marc:I mean, isn't the whole idea of enlightenment ridiculous and psychotic?
Guest:I don't think so.
Marc:I really hope... We're never going to end this show.
Guest:Oh, no, no, let's end it.
Guest:No, no, no, no.
Guest:I want to hear the final word on enlightenment.
Guest:Well, what happened to me in Scotland, and I really think this is how one gets quote-unquote enlightened, is that it gets so fucking bad.
Guest:No, I'm seriously.
Guest:I think what happens to people like us, and I'm talking to you, Mark, is you get so fucking wrapped up in your negative thinking, you know?
Guest:Not lately.
Guest:okay let's play it like that that's true go ahead that like like you just have to go toward love like like you and did you hear the person went that person's a fucking asshole
Guest:And I say that with a lot of love, you know what I mean?
Guest:Like, that person is a fucking moron because they don't even understand it yet.
Guest:The people who are silent, part out of boredom, part out of, like, agreement.
Guest:No, but he, I'm right with you.
Guest:It's either you have to go towards love or die.
Guest:Exactly.
Guest:You get to a point, and I got like this in Scotland because I feel like I am being worked by a weird cult right now.
Marc:Like when you jumped in where you were like, or die.
Marc:Like you were like the first pitch.
Marc:But I believe you.
Guest:I believe Andy about the die thing.
Guest:Because I almost died because of the 24 shows and 24 nights.
Marc:So this is your fucking Holocaust?
Guest:Why are you going to Holocaust?
Marc:I'm not following that.
Marc:I'm saying that, like, do your 24 nights where you had to do exactly what you wanted to do for large crowds of people, and you lost a couple hours sleep.
Marc:That was the end of your rope?
Marc:Oh, my God.
Marc:I had to do 24 shows that people enjoyed, and I had to sleep in a foreign bed in a country that I didn't... When you put it that way, you're right.
Yeah.
Marc:So you fucking know nothing.
Marc:Now, what do you got?
Guest:Oh, nothing.
Marc:Nope.
Marc:No.
Marc:I understand the whole love thing, all right?
Marc:There are moments where I'm like, Mark, open your heart.
Marc:Moke.
Marc:That is your spiritual name.
Guest:Moke.
Guest:Moke.
Guest:You are Moke.
Guest:Moke.
Guest:When you join a monastery, you are going to be Moke.
Guest:When you come with Eddie and I, you are now Moak.
Guest:I'm now Moak.
Guest:Join us, Moak.
Guest:Join us, Moak.
Guest:That's our show.
Guest:Thank you, everybody.
Guest:Andy Dick, Lance Bangs, Jimmy Earle, Eddie Pepitone.
Guest:I'm Mark Maron.
Guest:This is WTF, live from the bright LA at the Independent.
Guest:Let's get out of here.
We'll be right back.
you