Episode 335 - Keith and the Girl
Marc:Lock the gates!
Guest:All right, let's do this.
Guest:How are you?
Guest:What the fuckers?
Guest:What the fuck buddies?
Guest:What the fucking ears?
Guest:What the fuck Knicks?
Guest:What the fuckaholics?
Guest:What the fuckadelics?
Marc:I am Mark Maron.
Marc:This is WTF.
Marc:Welcome to the show.
Marc:Thank you for listening.
Marc:New people, thanks for coming aboard.
Marc:A lot of people enjoyed the Colt Cabana episode.
Marc:A lot of wrestling fans and Colt Cabana fans had never heard of my podcast.
Marc:Welcome.
Marc:See what you think.
Marc:Hope you enjoy.
Marc:There's plenty of back episodes to enjoy as well.
Marc:I don't want to self-promote too much because I do have some friendly promoting to do in a minute.
Marc:But before I do that...
Marc:Keith and the girl are on the show now many of you might not know Keith and the girl but they were some of the original podcasters and they were used to do it out of their place out in Queens and quite honestly the first time I went out there to do their show I was like where the fuck am I going
Marc:I'd take a train.
Marc:I had to wait at a Dunkin' Donuts for her to pick me up.
Marc:But quite honestly, they gave me some of the first information about podcasting, about self-producing, about doing a radio-style show from your home.
Marc:They were ahead of the curve on that, and they have a very loyal following.
Marc:And I'm happy that they were out here so I could finally get them on the show.
Marc:Because I definitely owed them for for steering me in the right direction and showing me that it could be done.
Marc:And they're great.
Marc:It's a great conversation is a lot of fun, interesting people and and fun on the mic, as they say.
Marc:Do they say that?
Marc:I'll say it.
Marc:I want to give you an update about me.
Marc:What is going on since the production wrapped?
Marc:Well, I didn't think I would be going into some sort of depression, but I guess doing 13 hour days and another two hours remembering lines, dedicating 20 hours a day to a project that is completely about me and that I could immerse myself in once that was taken away.
Marc:Finished.
Marc:Done.
Marc:No matter how great the experience is, I'm feeling a void.
Marc:It's not a void I'm unfamiliar with.
Marc:It's just what do I do with that void?
Marc:And I'm finding that there is no amount of coffee I can dump into the void that will fill it.
Marc:There is no number of nicotine lozenges.
Marc:There is no amount of masturbating that will fill the void.
Marc:I have other work to do.
Marc:No porn in the morn.
Marc:That should be a rule.
Marc:Look, I am not going to say that I don't use pornography occasionally.
Marc:I'm not going to celebrate it like my friend Dave Vittell, who is in town and he's doing another season of his show, which is called Dave's Old Porn.
Marc:on Showtime.
Marc:Now, Dave and I go way back.
Marc:I have a lot of love for Dave Attell.
Marc:He's one of the greatest comedians that I know, and he's completely self-producing this show out of passion.
Marc:Dave Attell loves porn, and I was on the show, folks.
Marc:I will confess that
Marc:I will not sit here and celebrate porn because I do not necessarily love the part of myself that engages in that.
Marc:But that part of myself finds it necessary.
Marc:And I must afford that part of myself some relief occasionally.
Marc:You know, you don't want to get too far in.
Marc:It's a slippery slope.
Marc:You know, a lot of hours can go by where it's just you and you and that.
Marc:And oh, no.
Marc:But Dave, you know, is truly passionate about it.
Marc:And he asked me to be on the show.
Marc:And because I love Dave Vitale, I was, yeah, I'll do it.
Marc:And I was nervous.
Marc:And because it's not really, you know, my thing publicly.
Marc:But my episode will be on in December.
Marc:And I told Dave I'd give him a call because he wanted to talk about it.
Marc:The show airs tonight.
Marc:So let me...
Marc:Let me get a tell on the phone here.
Marc:If you don't know a tell, I've known for 25 years and he's really one of the greatest comics working.
Marc:And I, I don't know what's going to happen.
Marc:So let's call him.
Marc:Hello, Dave.
Marc:It's Mark.
Guest:Hey, man, thanks for picking up.
Guest:I just wanted to say hey.
Marc:I called you.
Marc:What do you mean, thanks for picking up?
Guest:All right, all right.
Guest:I'm sorry, I'm so busy.
Guest:I'm promoting the new season of Diesel Porn.
Marc:I know, I know.
Guest:I don't know who's calling who, dude.
Marc:I know.
Marc:It's just part of a junket.
Marc:Don't worry about it.
Guest:Exactly.
Marc:So, David Tell, you're in Los Angeles, and how long have you been out here?
Guest:About a week, and I'm whoring...
Guest:I'm whoring it up trying to promote the new season of Dave's Old Porn, which you are a part of.
Marc:I know.
Marc:I know.
Marc:I'm very excited to see how that came out.
Marc:It was awkward and fun, and I know Christy Canyon was on with us, and you felt left out because I had so much more chemistry with her than you did.
Guest:You really did.
Guest:I really did feel like the third wheel in that situation.
Guest:I felt like the guy who, like, drove and is just hoping to smell your finger on the way home.
Marc:Well, I let you, so I think it all worked out.
Guest:Mm-hmm.
Guest:But you were great.
Guest:I'm not just saying that.
Guest:You were excellent.
Guest:You stepped it up.
Marc:You brought it.
Marc:That was the funniest thing about it is that I think that you came up to me afterwards and you were like, all right, we're just here to have a good time.
Marc:We're here to pay tribute to Christy.
Marc:Don't ask about her father.
Marc:That was your instruction to me.
Marc:Don't bring this down, Maren, with your heady bullshit.
Guest:Yeah, with your podcast podcast.
Guest:Yeah, exactly.
Guest:No feelings allowed on this show.
Guest:No retrospective thought.
Marc:Right.
Marc:I don't know if people know what the show is, but I didn't really either until I did it, and basically you sit on a couch with you and watch pornography.
Marc:That's the show.
Guest:That's the show.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Some of my collection of retro classics, and we were paying tribute to Christy Canyon.
Guest:This week's show, since you are part of the new season, is Joe Rogan and Ginger Lynn, another...
Guest:Super hot chick from the 80s.
Guest:You know, Ginger and Chrissy have their own radio show.
Guest:So watch out, Marc Maron.
Guest:You better unlock and relock the gate.
Marc:How was Rogan?
Marc:Was he good?
Marc:Did he play along?
Guest:Excellent.
Guest:That dude knows porn.
Guest:He's the Hawkeye from The Last of the Mohegans, man.
Guest:He knows porn.
Guest:You, of course, say not knowing porn, but as I saw as the show progressed...
Guest:You really were in the zone.
Guest:You knew it.
Guest:You're there.
Marc:Look, just because I know it doesn't mean that I have to celebrate it.
Marc:Is it our job?
Marc:When we watch porn, do we have to advertise it?
Marc:Do I have to wear T-shirts with, you know, I like cum shots on them?
Marc:I mean, what do I need to do?
Guest:Dude, if you own the rights to that, I would blow you.
Guest:But you know what?
Guest:Maybe you're right.
Guest:Maybe, you know, the porn business is taking huge hits left and right, you know, money-wise, regulation-wise.
Guest:You know, so I feel like this show is like, you know, kind of a safe harbor, an oasis for, you know, the fun, cool days of porn and also a place for the young stars and, of course, the stars of tomorrow, and I include you in that group, to come and kick it.
Marc:So, wait, so what do you think of that legislation where they have to wear condoms now or they might have to?
Guest:Boring.
Guest:That's what I think about it.
Guest:It's a great way to open the door to more Euro porn, that's for sure.
Guest:You know what their regulation is over there, right?
Guest:What?
Guest:Like...
Guest:Their regulation is like, you're a chick, right?
Guest:Okay, good.
Guest:Get in there.
Marc:Yeah, sometimes.
Guest:I'm going to be training today.
Guest:That's Thursday.
Marc:Yeah, sometimes.
Guest:It's a hard business.
Guest:And, you know, I really am, I could say, not only a fan, but a big supporter of the adult industry.
Guest:And, you know, I just hope that they make some money because, you know, let's face it, and this time, you know, being an entrepreneur like yourself, it's difficult.
Marc:Look, I'm sitting here naked and taping it right now while I talk to you.
Marc:Too bad we're not Skyping.
Marc:We could really get something going.
Guest:I know.
Guest:Wow, you really are up on all the technology.
Guest:I know.
Guest:Now, I have a few questions for the Marc Maron.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:Congratulations on your new show.
Guest:Now, when can we get a taste of this, a sampling of this new show?
Guest:This is different than your podcast, right?
Marc:Yes, it's a half-hour scripted comedy that will be premiering on IFC.
Guest:All right.
Guest:What?
Guest:I'm sorry.
Marc:Go ahead.
Marc:In 2016, hopefully.
Guest:2016, that's part of the deal.
Guest:It has to be after this presidential run.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:That's good because, you know, few people know that, like, down in your soul, you really want to act, too.
Guest:Like, you're an actor.
Marc:Yeah, no, I can do it.
Marc:I did a pretty good job of playing me, and yeah, it was fun, man.
Marc:I never had that opportunity, and I don't know what you'll think of it.
Guest:There's a little too many feelings in it for you, but I think... Yeah, I don't think I'm going to just take a taste and fast forward, but...
Guest:Hey, I'm happy for any dude who gets to live a dream, so I think this is great, man.
Marc:Well, thanks, man.
Marc:All right, so Dave's Old Porn is on Thursday nights.
Marc:Last week was the first week, and Kathy Griffin was a guest this week.
Marc:When's mine on?
Marc:Mine's on in December, right?
Guest:Yeah, we'll check in before that, I hope.
Guest:But yours is on towards the end of the run because we're saving some of our most salacious, scandalous, super cool, sexy shows for the end.
Guest:Is that how you're spinning it?
Marc:It's a great show.
Marc:That's how you're spinning it?
Marc:It wasn't really strong enough to open the season with, but we're going to tuck you into the middle somewhere.
Marc:We're going to bookend you.
Guest:That's so wrong.
Guest:You're a favorite with all the people that helped make the show.
Guest:But also, if you watch the show that you and me together, if you watch it, about 10 minutes in, you can see just when I go broke, just when I ran out of money, you can see it in my eyes.
Guest:It's like, whoa, right there.
Marc:That was it?
Marc:That was the last of the budget?
Guest:That's it.
Guest:That's it.
Guest:That's all the Comedy Central money, everything gone.
Guest:I mean, honestly.
Guest:Not everyone's been able to... Not everyone's been able to...
Guest:To maintain the momentum of success that you have.
Guest:Not everyone has just won like you.
Guest:I put you in the top category of winners.
Guest:It's you, Justin Beaver, you again.
Marc:Thank you.
Guest:That's me twice.
Guest:Nothing but home runs.
Marc:When are you going back to New York?
Guest:I'll be back there for the holiday season, of course.
Guest:Hopefully, you know, it won't be stormy and all that.
Guest:But, yeah, are you going to be out here in L.A.?
Marc:Yeah, I'll be back.
Marc:I think I'm coming to New York.
Marc:I'll be there next year at some point.
Marc:But I'm very excited about the show.
Marc:I'm going over to the Meltdown Comedy Place, and I'm doing the alt rooms.
Marc:I tried to drag you into these.
Guest:I'm doing that, too.
Guest:I want to go over there.
Guest:So I'll see you over there.
Marc:Okay, buddy.
Marc:Well, congrats with the show, and I'm excited to be on it.
Guest:And if I don't see you before the holidays, have a very, very gluten-free Thanksgiving.
Marc:All right, Dave.
Marc:Bye.
Guest:Thanks, Mark.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:Bye.
Marc:Okay.
Marc:So there you go.
Marc:A project of passion for Mr. Attell.
Marc:So Jesus, folks, I'm in the rabbit hole.
Marc:I'm in trouble.
Marc:I'm in vinyl trouble.
Marc:First of all, Monkey, my cat, who had a tooth fall out of his head, fell right on the chair, sitting right in the middle of a chair, just a tooth with a hunk of skull on it.
Marc:Freaked me the fuck out.
Marc:But I still have the tooth.
Marc:And I got Monkey in the cage.
Marc:I got him to the vet.
Marc:He had a gum infection.
Marc:I gave him some antibiotics.
Marc:He lost a couple more teeth, but he seems all zippy and happy to be alive again.
Marc:It looks like soft food for the soon-to-be-toothless-entirely monkey, but he's okay.
Marc:Boomer has not returned, the wayward Boomer, the spirit that is Boomer.
Marc:Boomer, who has either shifted off this mortal coil or has gone on to other pastures, Boomer.
Marc:Boomer, the Buddha is still among the missing, but not my heart, not my mind.
Marc:And I hold out hope because some of you people continue to send me emails of stories of cats that disappear for lifetimes and come back.
Marc:Isn't that what we all do?
Marc:Is it?
Marc:Look, I'm not going down this rabbit hole.
Marc:I was talking about another rabbit hole, the vinyl rabbit hole.
Marc:Because now I'm in record stores.
Marc:Now I'm hanging out in record stores talking to people that work at record stores about records.
Marc:I'm trying not to buy records I had bought before.
Marc:I wanted to tell you, I know I didn't mention about the equipment I got because I have to deal with my shame around spending money because I don't like to spend money.
Marc:But I bought this Rogue Cronus Magnum integrated amp with tubes and I bought some Sonos Faber speakers.
Marc:And I got a new cartridge for my turntable and I spent some money on that.
Marc:And the problem with spending money is that now I sit there and sometimes I really enjoy the experience of listening to vinyl.
Marc:Other times I'm like, am I really getting my money's worth?
Marc:Does this sound right?
Marc:Is this the way it's supposed to sound?
Marc:Is this what this amount of money is supposed to sound like?
Marc:If I had spent more money, would it be undeniable or would I still be doing this?
Marc:I guarantee you, I would still be doing that.
Marc:I'd be doing it even harder.
Marc:I would feel like a bigger sucker.
Marc:Because in order to spend thousands and thousands of dollars on on stereo equipment, you better have a special room in a big fucking house where you can sit down in a special chair and provide it, maybe oxygenate the air or whatever one does when you have more money than, you know, you you need to give a shit about.
Marc:But for me, in my small two-bedroom house, I think that everything is just fine.
Marc:But I'm in the fucking record rabbit hole.
Marc:I ordered some plastic covers for all my records.
Marc:I'm going through each of them.
Marc:I'm cleaning them by hand.
Marc:I'm deciding which ones are in good enough condition to play.
Marc:That is the obsession.
Marc:Cast iron pans behind me.
Marc:Enter records.
Marc:But I have a finite amount of records, and I'm not a huge collection, only a few hundred.
Marc:So there is an end in sight.
Marc:So what I want to say, oh, my buddy, Matt Graham, who was on this show, as you know, you might remember him as the guy who tried to cut off his head with a butter knife and also the gentleman who was the second place world champ in Scrabble.
Marc:He's definitely a guy who's been in Siberia comedically in a Siberia of the mind and spirit for a long time.
Marc:But he is doing a critically acclaimed one man show in New York.
Marc:And Matt and I go way back.
Marc:And I'd certainly like to to send some audience his way.
Marc:It's every Thursday night in New York City, 8 p.m.
Marc:at the Huron Club.
Marc:And that's 15 Van Damme Street.
Marc:It's part of the Soho Playhouse in New York City.
Marc:And this is running through the end of the year.
Marc:He's also going to be in Boston.
Marc:Saturday, September 24th at 6 o'clock p.m.
Marc:at the Comedy Studio in Harvard Square.
Marc:He's getting some good notices.
Marc:USA Today called him a darker, funnier Spalding Gray.
Marc:I do hope it ends better for Matt.
Marc:The New Yorker called the show funny and poignant.
Marc:And look, this guy is the real deal, and he comes from a type of dark place that many of you may not relate to, but he's also brilliantly funny, and he's an incredible wordsmith and writer.
Marc:So I would encourage you to go.
Marc:You can go to this2shalsuck.com for information and tickets.
Marc:That is the name of the show, This 2 Shall Suck.
Marc:It's my buddy Matt Graham's show.
Marc:And it will be unlike anything you've seen.
Marc:He's a very intense, very brilliant character.
Marc:I encourage you to put yourself through that.
Marc:Talking about old friends like David Tell and Matt Graham and, you know, getting older.
Marc:I just turned 49.
Marc:I'm not 50.
Marc:But going through these records that I've had since some of them since high school, you know, what am I what am I going down?
Marc:What am I looking for?
Marc:Is this is this my protection?
Marc:Am I retreating back?
Marc:Am I digging for something, some feelings?
Marc:Am I going to reconnect with something vital by listening to, uh, to Leonard Skinner's nothing fancy or David Bowie's scary monsters, or, you know, Mark of the mole by the residents.
Marc:I run deep folks.
Marc:I will run the gamut on the musical tasting, but it's interesting through every part of my life.
Marc:You know, I can sort of see a shift in my identity from, you know, townie rock to art rock.
Marc:When I met the dude at the record store, I'm listening to the residents and Brian Eno and,
Marc:And Fred Frith and all these cats.
Marc:And then there was the shift into college where I was, you know, probably a little gayer than I might have wanted to be musically.
Marc:You know, we got some we got Bow Wow Wow.
Marc:We got the Stray Cats.
Marc:We got some English beat there, some OMD, early OMD, a lot more Bowie.
Marc:And then on to into into whatever, you know, the jazz period and then back and then into the Velvet Underground and then into Iggy Pop.
Marc:I mean, it's just very interesting how you can chart your life.
Marc:Through this music.
Marc:But I'm still a 49 year old guy.
Marc:Sitting in his boxers.
Marc:In his little house in Los Angeles.
Marc:Listening to this music.
Marc:But some of it sounds fucking great.
Marc:On vinyl.
Marc:Transformer sounds great.
Marc:I just listened to Fiona Apple's new album.
Marc:On vinyl.
Marc:Of course she was a guest here.
Marc:She is a fucking genius.
Marc:I mean what.
Marc:An inspired.
Marc:Just breathtaking god damn it.
Marc:reckon with yourself reckon with the music engage in the aura of the authentic that was paraphrasing Walter Benjamin who I know nothing about but I just talked to Hodgman and he brought it up and that's what he gleaned and I like it the aura of the authentic more of that please let's talk to Keith and the girl strap in this is a fun one
Marc:Hemda and Keith from Keith and the girl in my garage in Los Angeles for reasons I don't know.
Guest:Do you hear it staticky or is it my headphone?
Marc:It's a fucking headphone box.
Marc:I don't think it's recording that.
Marc:I don't know what to do.
Marc:Why don't you guys tell me?
Marc:You guys got me started to begin with.
Marc:What do I need to do?
Marc:I need a better headphone box?
Marc:What needs to be fixed here?
Marc:You were the original podcast people.
Guest:Let's just do tech stuff for him this whole time.
Marc:Would you please?
Marc:Because I remember when I went on your show.
Marc:How long ago was that?
Marc:The first time I went on your show.
Marc:I think I was just starting this thing.
Guest:It was about three years ago.
Guest:I think we got you right before you started.
Marc:Right.
Marc:And I was like, what do I do?
Marc:And it was all very confusing to me because you do something else, kind of.
Marc:You do more of a live streaming show every day.
Guest:Yes.
Marc:Five days a week.
Marc:And people, I don't know if people know this, but Keith and the Girl were like the original, one of the original podcasters.
Marc:Would you say that?
Marc:I would say that.
Guest:Yeah, we started about six months into podcasting where really only kind of nerds knew about it.
Marc:Yeah, real nerds.
Guest:Yeah, yeah.
Marc:Not the new nerds.
Guest:No, like people who really just found the first things on the internet, you know?
Guest:Right.
Guest:Like only I know about this.
Guest:Before iPods and iPads had, and before iTunes had a podcasting section on there.
Marc:Right.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:And what was the original?
Marc:Because I recently got an email from a guy who was like, I'm tired of Marc Maron and them guys acting like they started podcasting.
Marc:We've been doing it since 1970.
Marc:You know, I don't know.
Marc:But when you started it, what was the actual agenda?
Marc:What would you think that you had there?
Guest:You know what?
Guest:We were going to do it just for fun.
Guest:Kenda was going to promote maybe her singing.
Guest:She's a great singer.
Guest:I would promote stand-up maybe.
Guest:I was thinking about doing it.
Guest:And it just took off and became its own thing.
Guest:Congratulations sincerely on over 300 shows.
Guest:And you didn't expect it to be such a huge thing, but you knew you were going to take it serious.
Guest:It's kind of the same thing.
Marc:Right.
Marc:That's all I knew was I got to do this consistently every Monday and Thursday.
Marc:Pick a schedule and honor the schedule.
Marc:You can't hold on to listeners.
Marc:So you didn't come from radio at all?
Marc:No.
Guest:No, neither one of us.
Guest:No.
Marc:You were just nerds?
Guest:I think we were close enough to nerds.
Guest:We each have a brother that's so super nerdy that they introduced us to the idea of podcasting.
Guest:And they said, hey, you should... Actually, the idea was for him to do it.
Guest:And he wanted a co-host we were dating at the time.
Guest:And it was kind of easy like that.
Marc:Because I remember when I went to do your show, and I got off a train stop in Queens, a part of Queens I'd never been to, and I was like, what the fuck is this?
Marc:And then you came and picked me up, and you weren't very pleasant.
Marc:You think she wasn't?
Marc:She was a little like, all right, get in the car.
Marc:You want a coffee?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:And I was like, what is this?
Marc:I can't even imagine.
Guest:Oh, my God, I know.
Guest:I'm usually too nice.
Marc:No, I don't know what it was.
Marc:Maybe it was a bad morning, then we drove over.
Marc:You weren't awful, but it was a little weird for me.
Guest:I wonder, you know, honestly, because I had just met you just before, and I was like, oh, this is cool, great conversation, you should come on our show, you know, really excited about you.
Guest:I was really excited about you, but I think because you're like...
Guest:Very intense.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I didn't want to seem too girly and hey, how you doing and blah, blah, blah.
Guest:And I think maybe that was my attempt at trying to be cool around you.
Guest:And then it came off all shitty.
Guest:Wouldn't it be funny if Mark's energy changes everybody?
Marc:I think it does.
Marc:You know, depending on the day, I definitely put off something that some people are like, oh, fuck that guy.
Marc:I try to regulate that.
Marc:I know when it's happening.
Marc:I remember the first time I met Mark and within 10 minutes I was sweating.
Guest:Really?
Guest:Why?
Marc:You're intense.
Marc:You are intense.
Marc:But I was probably kind of a dick because I didn't understand.
Marc:Now I understand.
Marc:This is the weird thing is that when I went to your house, I was like, what the fuck is this?
Marc:Because I didn't listen to podcasts.
Marc:I didn't really know your thing, but I knew other comics did it, and you guys were respected.
Marc:But there's that feeling of when you take a train to the middle of fucking nowhere, just like you guys drove up here today, and you're like, what is this?
Marc:Before podcasts, no one would do that.
Marc:Now you get people coming to
Marc:your house like there are people that walk through this door like yeah this is where we're doing it and it's legitimate they're like this is a real thing yeah actually you started sort of apologizing for how small your studio is and whatever we've seen other podcasts set up it's in a suitcase yeah this is a real studio I know yeah sometimes I've gone to places where people I actually have to turn down podcasts now because I
Marc:I don't know if it's real.
Marc:Have you ever had that where you- It's a dude's house.
Guest:But just to see him in the living room.
Marc:Right, right.
Marc:And it's just him with a mic.
Marc:And then I had that experience.
Marc:Some guy had been bothering me for months.
Marc:I go over there.
Marc:I do it.
Marc:I don't think he ever put it up.
Marc:I don't know if he recorded it.
Guest:It didn't look like- He just wanted you over for coffee.
Guest:And then he's like, well, Mark does a lot of these podcasts.
Guest:I'll just say I have a podcast.
Guest:That's right.
Guest:I think that is what happened.
Guest:Mark said, where are the mics?
Guest:He's like, that's not our style, man.
Marc:Yeah, yeah, which happens now.
Marc:Just be.
Marc:Yeah, whoever's around, like that guy over there, he's listening to it.
Marc:Yeah, when you go to the bathroom, we're still recording.
Marc:Exactly.
Guest:So what are you guys doing in L.A.
Guest:?
Guest:We came for your show.
Marc:No, that can't be happening.
Guest:We did a live Keith and the Girls show.
Guest:And while we're here, we're doing some other podcasts and doing some meetings.
Guest:Really?
Guest:See, just like you and podcasts, we don't know what that means.
Guest:Yeah, I'm very pessimistic where I think everything's going to work out in the end of my life, but nothing will work out on the way to that.
Guest:Yeah, well, that's usually the way it goes.
Guest:While you're in it, it doesn't seem like it's working out at all.
Guest:So I know not to get too excited if it's a meeting about a Keith and the Girl TV show or reality or studio, whatever.
Guest:I don't know.
Guest:But it's pretty exciting because I'm new to this.
Marc:Well, I was very impressed.
Marc:Early on, I'd been kicking around stand-up for a long time and being in show business and doing meetings and having a lot of failure.
Marc:I mean, I came into podcasting because nothing was going on.
Marc:But when I met you guys, you're like, yeah, we got a book deal.
Marc:Things are happening.
Marc:We're making a million bucks.
Marc:When I was at your house, I'm like, you could get a new house.
Marc:Maybe you could get a new house.
Marc:You're like, yeah, we got $9 million.
Marc:I'm like, well, maybe you need to move out of this place.
Marc:Well, we moved, you fuck.
Marc:We moved.
Guest:You motherfucker.
Guest:There's a lot of big talk in a shitty apartment I remember that day.
Guest:Can you imagine, by the way, if we would have said anything like that to Mark, $9 million downloads, $1 million, we're rich.
Marc:Well, I didn't know.
Marc:But the way you guys talked about it, I was like, holy shit, this is an amazing medium.
Marc:You really hear things differently than people are saying them.
Marc:We never would have said that.
Guest:Now we're making a million dollars.
Guest:No, no, no.
Guest:I know.
Marc:But in my mind, because book deal, the number of downloads, you guys got a lot of downloads.
Marc:I mean, you're very popular.
Marc:Did you have a lot of fans at your show?
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:We did it at the Nerdist and not for nothing, we took chairs out of the green room to accommodate people.
Marc:Nice.
Marc:Do you find that you know your people?
Marc:I know that from doing the podcast for a while that I have a specific type of person that comes.
Marc:What kind of people are coming to the Keith and the Girl show?
Guest:Honestly, I'm happy to say it really is everybody.
Guest:It's eclectic.
Guest:Can we call them eclectic?
Guest:Can you call people eclectic?
Guest:It's not like, you know, I know you would think like maybe like an old nerdy group looking like each other.
Guest:It really is everything.
Guest:All races, creeds.
Marc:Well, you guys seem to have balanced something that's a little tricky because you're sort of a borderline filthy comic.
Marc:Thank you.
Marc:And you're a very attractive, sophisticated woman.
Marc:Oh, fuck, really?
Marc:Yeah, a little bit.
Marc:Until you talk.
Guest:I like to balance my own self.
Guest:Yeah, that's good.
Guest:You call me nice things, I'll say something shitty.
Marc:Yeah, but, you know, like, I know, like, you go to an O&A show, you're going to be dealing with a mongrel horde of, you know, like, say cock, we're the porn stars.
Guest:I feel like we somewhat can, in a way, train our audience, because there was, Keith talked about, you know, heckling and people chatting during shows, and we talked about earlier on, we would call out people like, you didn't tip your waiter.
Guest:Yeah, we don't like that shit.
Guest:We don't want people treating each other like shit in our shows.
Guest:If we booked people on our shows and our episodes and live and whatever, you have to respect that.
Guest:And I think people come in with that attitude of like, they also, a lot of times they come by themselves as well.
Guest:They don't get two tickets all the time.
Guest:And then they make friends.
Guest:They meet beforehand.
Guest:They meet after.
Guest:So I think we built a good, and our audience.
Guest:A community, it's almost a community.
Guest:I agree.
Guest:Our audience helped with that because our forums a while ago just went with that whole community feeling.
Guest:So they're really nice to each other, and I think that helps because we don't want people just going, ah, you guys say fuck all the time.
Guest:We're just going to say fuck through your show.
Guest:Fuck this, fuck this.
Marc:Yeah, it's very frightening when you sort of build an audience of animals so that they don't have to entertain the animals live.
Marc:It's one thing if you're in the studio, but once you get out there.
Marc:So let's try to deal with this individually.
Marc:It's always tricky for me when I have two people in there and we want to talk.
Marc:But when you started, see, you weren't doing stand-up.
Marc:You just wanted to do stand-up.
Guest:I understand to comedians how offensive this is.
Guest:I did stand up at an open mic every weekend for a year.
Guest:And then kind of said, why don't you do a CD?
Guest:And I said, why don't I?
Guest:Then we happened to do the Keith and the Girls show.
Guest:And then we said, all right, some people are, you know, we're getting a little bit of a following.
Guest:How about I do this every year?
Guest:So I started doing a stand up show every year, but I would not regularly do stand up.
Guest:I just don't have the pat.
Guest:I know your head's about to explode.
Guest:Well, I just don't have the passion for it, but I do enjoy the challenge.
Marc:Well, my head's not about to explode, but it just sounds like cheating, Keith.
Marc:I mean, I just... Right.
Marc:But if I am able to do it... Basically, let me just understand.
Marc:Sure.
Marc:You're an open-miker.
Marc:You've been doing it about a year, and you did a DVD.
Marc:Right.
Marc:Okay.
Marc:And then you're like, hey, I'm... This is fun.
Marc:I got people that like me, and they're obviously very forgiving, so...
Marc:I'm gonna do this through my development I'm gonna do this every year so you don't do stand-up during the year I'm not knocking it I'm correct there's a lot of ways to go about it I'm no longer a guy with the principles that I hold by I mean if you can make it work you make it work well you know what and of course you know comics like to give me a hard time but
Guest:These people wouldn't, no matter what, even if you were a fan of our show, you wouldn't fly down to see me do stand-up.
Guest:You wouldn't take off work, use up your days.
Guest:You wouldn't fly down.
Guest:You wouldn't be like this guy's- Hotel in New York City for a goof.
Guest:You really legitimately think I can do this.
Marc:It's not the Grateful Dead.
Marc:No one's like, where's Keith playing?
Marc:I don't know what he's going to do tonight.
Guest:Right.
Guest:Yeah, he can do anything.
Guest:He's probably going to tell jokes again, like last year.
Guest:And by the way, all the comedians that are disgusted, and they are, they're disgusted that I only do it once a year.
Guest:Who gave them the right to start a podcast?
Guest:Right.
Guest:I don't care, but who the fuck said they are?
Marc:They can do it.
Marc:They didn't put in their time.
Marc:All right.
Marc:There you go.
Marc:Thank you.
Marc:Okay.
Marc:So, I mean, it kind of works that way.
Marc:But you know how podcasting works.
Marc:It's a weird thing that everybody is doing them now.
Marc:Right.
Marc:But no one can explain why one is better than the other or why one is popular.
Marc:I mean, there's literally thousands of podcasts.
Marc:I mean, you guys must... I mean, I don't... But it makes sense that the popular ones...
Marc:happen to have value.
Marc:No, I get that, but there's a skill to doing this thing.
Marc:I don't know what it is, and I was completely new to it, and I did maybe a year and a half of radio, but when I got on this mic, I found it to be very liberating.
Marc:And then all of a sudden now, after I got some attention, and I'm not gonna take any responsibility for it, because you guys sort of got me into it in a way, but all the comics are doing them.
Marc:But not all of them are gonna be popular.
Guest:But here's the thing.
Guest:People have been doing, have been randomly doing artsy stuff
Guest:all the time it's just there's there's a new medium for random people right exactly people have been calling themselves actors for forever right you know and that doesn't mean they have the skill to act but they can they can go on auditions they can look pretty and get a part you know what i mean they can delude themselves for their entire life they really can and and live on some shitty income that they're not making you know they they also stand-up comics i'm sure you've seen people who call themselves stand-ups and they're trying and trying but yeah i hate that
Guest:Yeah, but we've been hating people trying to do what we think that we are meant to do since we started doing any kind of artsy thing.
Guest:People think that they could sing.
Guest:How many people line up to do American Idol, America's Got Talent?
Guest:Most of them don't have talent, but people think they can do it.
Marc:Well, now they're being rewarded for not having talent.
Marc:I mean, that's part of the charm of America's Got Talent.
Marc:It's like, wow, that's just a normal person that can do that one thing.
Marc:We'll see what happens.
Guest:Yeah, and we'll call it talent.
Guest:Right.
Guest:But in terms of acting and podcasting, whatever, you'll always have somebody slipping through the cracks of they found something that somebody wants to see or have them do.
Guest:But for the most part, some people kind of rise above.
Guest:Like, Mark, your show is popular because people want to hear what you're doing because of how you interact with people.
Guest:So, yes, anyone else could find a shed.
Guest:Where the hell are we?
Guest:Could put microphones in a shed and start going.
Guest:But...
Guest:They'll get a half a chance here and there, but they're not going to do what you're doing.
Marc:But do you guys have bitterness about it?
Marc:About?
Marc:About people doing podcasts?
Marc:Oh, not at all.
Marc:No.
Marc:Not at all.
Guest:It's not like they're stealing our fans or anything.
Guest:Right.
Guest:It's just people who want to listen to, I don't know, a knitting podcast above us.
Guest:I don't think we would have gotten that knitting audience.
Guest:No, if anything, like, for example, would I be upset you started a podcast?
Guest:If anything, it's good for podcasting.
Guest:The more attention to podcasting.
Marc:I feel that way, too.
Marc:And I genuinely feel that way.
Marc:And I don't think I would have thought I would have felt that way.
Marc:Like, I get mad at people when they say, like, there's too many podcasts.
Marc:I'm like, shut up.
Marc:Right.
Marc:It's a new thing.
Marc:It's all good.
Marc:It's a new medium.
Marc:Because there is a ceiling to how many people actually even listen to podcasts, period.
Marc:And it's a pretty low ceiling compared to other media.
Marc:There's only a million or so people that are doing this, listening to it.
Marc:Right.
Marc:And there's a thousand TV channels.
Marc:You don't go, there's too much TV.
Marc:Right.
Marc:Well, you do.
Marc:You go, I can't find anything.
Marc:Right.
Marc:But there's no one to blame.
Marc:You know, with podcasts, there's like too many podcasts.
Marc:Why doesn't that guy shut up?
Marc:I mean, with TV, it's like, who the hell knows who's in charge of that?
Marc:Right.
Marc:You can write to us.
Marc:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Marc:Stop.
Guest:I do find I am far too accessible.
Guest:I'm trying to change that.
Guest:It's crazy.
Guest:How do you do that?
Guest:You know how he changes it?
Guest:He just forwards it to my email.
Marc:He really does.
Marc:Isn't it weird how fucking accessible you are?
Marc:I mean, I got, some guy tweeted this morning, and this is me, I get a tweet from some dude that's got two followers that says, you know, answer my email, asshole.
Marc:And as opposed to just move past that, I go into my email to find out what email it was, and I had answered him already.
Marc:And I had to stop myself.
Guest:Way to teach him a lesson.
Marc:But there was part of me that wanted to tweet at him and say, like, fuck you, I already did that.
Marc:And then I'm engaged with this dude who, what do I care?
Guest:But Keith tends to do that.
Marc:I get engaged.
Guest:But he gets engaged to be angry.
Guest:He doesn't get engaged where I'm like, why don't you answer this email?
Guest:This is the email that counts.
Guest:Yeah, the nice one.
Guest:The nice one, the one that's asking us to do something.
Guest:A business email, right.
Guest:Yeah, but someone will say, blah, blah, blah, and it ends with, fuck you, Keith, anyway.
Guest:Yeah, yeah.
Guest:That's the one he'll go back and forth on.
Guest:It's like, why are you wasting your time?
Marc:Because that's where the high is.
Marc:That's where the juice is.
Marc:You're like, I'm going to win.
Marc:And there's no, you can't win.
Guest:Why aren't you working on the important emails?
Guest:And I'm like, I'm on my lunch break right now.
Guest:I want to win over this asshole is usually what happens to me.
Marc:And then you get him and then I go, fuck you.
Marc:Yeah, exactly.
Marc:I've gotten to the point where I go back and forth and people are like, why are you even emailing me?
Marc:That's the most awkward feeling.
Marc:It's like, don't you have better things to do?
Marc:They're always going to win like that.
Marc:Because you're going to be like, fuck you.
Marc:What show are you talking about?
Marc:And they're like, God, I can't believe you're taking all this time to deal with a fucking asshole.
Guest:Dude, I never gave a fuck.
Guest:And you're like, fuck you.
Guest:This is the 10th email back and forth.
Guest:We're on two years.
Guest:I never cared.
Guest:Keith's solution to that never caring thing is he now makes people start their email with how old they are, what their sexual orientation is, if you're a girl, how big your tits are, just so he can start.
Guest:He can have a visual.
Guest:And then how much do you give a shit?
Guest:So we really have people writing in, like, I give two loads of shits about this.
Guest:I give a good, like, drunken hangover shit about it.
Guest:And they'll be honest.
Guest:Like, I really don't.
Guest:Accountability.
Guest:Yeah, I got to be honest.
Guest:I don't really care.
Guest:But without exaggeration, the email's five pages long.
Guest:I'm like, well, that'll save me time.
Guest:Yeah, exactly.
Guest:You can't get through them.
Guest:So where did you grow up?
Guest:Somerset, Pennsylvania.
Guest:Close to Pittsburgh, but the country.
Guest:Absolutely.
Guest:Where you hear the fog roll in, you know.
Marc:Pennsylvania country, that's a real creepy country.
Marc:Very much so.
Marc:There's a type of person in Pennsylvania that's a little eerie.
Marc:There's like farming and darkness.
Guest:Yes.
Guest:Isn't your next-door neighbor a farmer?
Guest:Absolutely.
Guest:I get reverse claustrophobia when I go back.
Guest:Where are the assholes?
Guest:Why aren't people in my way?
Guest:We have the swing set in the middle of 24 acres.
Guest:You grew up on 24 acres?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Well, we rented it out to the farmers.
Guest:For $2 a month.
Guest:Really?
Guest:No, but it might as well have been.
Guest:No, but it is low.
Guest:It is low.
Guest:So what kind of business was your family in where you had 24 acres?
Guest:Not that they had so much money.
Guest:They just got it cheap and a long time ago.
Guest:And they still have it?
Guest:They still have it, yes.
Marc:That's amazing.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:That must be good, right?
Marc:Does anyone want to live there?
Marc:That's the hang-up.
Marc:Other than that, though, it's prime real estate.
Guest:You've got a lot of land that nobody wants.
Guest:Good.
Guest:I went to visit there, and as soon as we shut off the car, as we're rolling through literally cornfields, I'm starting to freak out because that's how every scary movie starts and shit, and I'm the only brown person, and I'm hardly brown.
Guest:I'm just off-white.
Guest:And then we turn off the car.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And it's so quiet that I think that's when I'm going to hear the gunshot to my heart.
Guest:It's just so weird and creepy.
Guest:I freaked out.
Marc:I know that feeling.
Marc:If you're used to living in a city and you drive through the country and you just see a house set up on a hill, you're like, what's going on in there?
Marc:That's got to be fucked up.
Guest:And I tell her, it's like, that's silly.
Guest:We don't use bullets.
Guest:We'll use an axe.
Guest:Was it Amish country at all?
Guest:No.
Guest:That was close, though.
Guest:It was Jesus country.
Guest:I was a waiter for a long time.
Guest:Well, everywhere is Jesus country.
Guest:A few miles away from any city is Jesus country.
Guest:Being a waiter, the Amish would come in and I remember one story where the daughter orders lemonade and I brought her a Sprite and then I remembered, oh, you had a lemonade.
Guest:And the mom looks sternly at the daughter and she goes, no, no, no, Sprite's right.
Guest:And I'm like, no, I made the mistake.
Guest:I'm sorry, let me go.
Guest:And then the mom looks even more sternly at the daughter.
Guest:No, what you gave me is good.
Guest:Oh.
Guest:She could have been allergic to Sprite, I don't know.
Guest:But we don't make up a stink.
Guest:So the kid was saying it's Sprite's good?
Guest:The kid was saying it's fine, yeah.
Guest:It's fine the way my mom's looking at me.
Guest:I can tell it's totally fine.
Guest:Can we just get out of this fun restaurant so I can get fingered by that?
Guest:You know it happens.
Guest:See, that's where we went.
Marc:I'm working out my material.
Marc:Keep it in the family.
Marc:That's where I work out my bits.
Marc:Yeah, sure.
Marc:Maybe that one won't make it.
Marc:The twist and there's the incest at the end.
Marc:I'm familiar with those kind of bits.
Marc:When in doubt, when it might not work, let the kid get fucked by her family.
Guest:Finger fucked.
Guest:It's a very specific kind of fucking.
Marc:Yeah, it's not as bad.
Marc:Good for you for keeping it in the mid-range of incest.
Marc:Well, that's how I get an eclectic crowd.
Marc:Well, who are you guys?
Marc:You had a lot of great comics on the show, and you still do, and a couple of dudes that you had on pretty regularly passed away, which is fucking brutal.
Marc:I mean, I went to fucking...
Marc:I was just in Utah and I saw a picture of Patrice and I was like, I got choked up.
Marc:Right.
Marc:You used to have him on, huh?
Marc:Patrice, we didn't.
Marc:No, Greg.
Guest:We didn't get to know Patrice.
Guest:Greg Giraldo.
Guest:I noticed this.
Guest:Don't name Doug Stanhope yet in this.
Guest:What's that?
Guest:Oh, on dead?
Guest:Well, I don't think he was saying just dead.
Guest:Just period.
Guest:But you know what?
Guest:I do notice the- There's a pool if you want to get in on it.
Guest:I don't like that.
Guest:the uh no no she means like that's close to home that's what she means i mean we all know it after that louis ck episode especially i'm just like no no you're too funny stop it right i don't think he knew there was even cameras yeah he
Marc:No, I talked to Louie about that.
Marc:Louie was very thankful about that.
Marc:Doug definitely showed up for work, and apparently Louie wasn't feeling great that day.
Marc:He was tired, and Doug was like, don't worry, I got this.
Marc:And he definitely carried it.
Marc:He's very on top of it.
Guest:He was great.
Guest:He was an amazing actor, and I got really choked up at that.
Guest:I cried a little bit.
Marc:Well, you know that guy.
Marc:You do comedy enough, and there's those guys.
Marc:I mean, he wasn't really playing Doug, but the dudes, a little bit.
Marc:But I never get the feeling that Doug's genuinely suicidal.
Guest:I think Doug... No, not I'm going to kill myself, but you wonder about the lifestyle.
Marc:Well, he's sort of aware of it.
Marc:I mean, the last time I talked to him, he's like trying to be a little care... He's tempering it a bit.
Marc:No?
Marc:Really?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:No, I haven't seen that.
Marc:No?
No.
Guest:When was the last time he saw him?
Guest:Yeah, we don't see him on a regular basis.
Guest:But when I do, I don't know when I do.
Guest:But I was going to say, it's interesting that my, I don't know how fascinating, but the comedians that I really enjoy happen to be dark, and they also happen to have some kind of drinking or drug problem.
Guest:Greg Giraldo, Doug Stanhope, without exaggeration, you're fantastic.
Guest:I think you're at the top, and you had a big mess.
Guest:It's just interesting.
Guest:It's all those people.
Guest:But you just celebrated 13 years sober, right?
Marc:13 years sober.
Guest:Congratulations.
Marc:Yeah, and I'm just sitting here eating a nicotine thing and drinking my coffee, getting it where I can.
Marc:How are you holding up?
Marc:I'm all right.
Marc:I feel pretty good.
Marc:I'm feeling a little flabby, but that's the biggest problem I have.
Guest:Really?
Guest:I thought you looked amazing.
Guest:Well, thank you very much.
Marc:That's all I was fishing for.
Guest:We're good.
Guest:But you don't have a drinking problem?
Guest:I enjoy drinking, yes.
Guest:I would not say I have a drinking problem.
Guest:Well, what are you waiting for?
Guest:Maybe that's the big shift that needs to happen.
Marc:Don't you ever get to the next level?
Guest:What, for admitting it?
Marc:Well, no, no, I think it's time.
Marc:I know your show's gone through some evolutions with your relationship and whatnot.
Guest:Now I'm going to... Why don't we talk about relationships?
Marc:Well, first of all... Let's shit on Keith.
Marc:Well, Keith Malley, and then... Do you say it like a Jew?
Marc:Is it Chemda?
Guest:Yeah, that's really great.
Marc:And how do you pronounce your last name?
Guest:Khalili.
Marc:Khalili.
Marc:But you're not a Jew.
Marc:You are a Jew?
Guest:Oh, I was raised Jewish.
Guest:I'm atheist now.
Marc:No, but you're a Persian Jew.
Marc:Yep.
Marc:And a lot of people don't know there are Persian Jews.
Marc:But there are a lot of Persian Jews.
Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Marc:Like there's actually Persian Jewish community.
Marc:Like isn't Great Neck all Persian Jews now?
Guest:All Persian, yeah.
Guest:And I'm really grateful that my parents didn't decide just to go straight there.
Guest:They almost did.
Marc:Yeah?
Guest:When they moved to New York, yeah.
Marc:Where'd they go?
Guest:We went to Queens, so it's all right.
Marc:Well, how is that working?
Marc:Because I have not talked to that many Persians, because there's not many available to talk to in the world I'm in, other than Maz Jobrani, who I've talked to before.
Marc:But did your parents leave when the shit went down?
Guest:Well, it was my father is Persian.
Guest:My mother was raised in Israel, born and raised in Israel.
Guest:Her parents are Iraqi, also Jews.
Marc:Persian Jews, which is Iranian Jews, and Iraqi Jews.
Marc:A lot of people don't associate Jews with that.
Marc:They think that's the opposite of Jew.
Guest:It's a small community, but the thing that works with Persians, Iraqis, Middle Eastern people in general is we don't talk.
Guest:So you're about to ask me about my heritage.
Guest:I don't really know.
Guest:My father is one of 12 people.
Guest:I can't name all his siblings.
Marc:One of 12 people, not even brothers.
Guest:Not even a family.
Marc:Twelve people came.
Guest:Yeah, we don't, I mean, they don't know what I do for a living.
Guest:They hardly know who I date ever.
Marc:They don't, we don't, it's like a- And you're saying this is a general thing with Persian families?
Marc:No.
Marc:You would think it'd be very tight-knit.
Guest:Well, actually, usually they're up each other's ass about stuff.
Guest:And so when they were up my ass about everything, like, where are you going?
Guest:What are you doing?
Guest:They started realizing they don't like where I'm going and what I'm doing.
Guest:And now we sort of have a don't ask, don't tell.
Guest:And so I'm just the person who sort of keeps letting them down.
Guest:So now they don't, they just, you know, you go over there and let people down and we'll just pretend whatever.
Guest:I think they have something in their mind about what I'm doing or whatever.
Guest:Right, right.
Guest:But they haven't asked me anything.
Marc:What I'm doing doesn't make sense it doesn't make sense to certain people they like they have a Path that they think people have taken if you divert from that path.
Marc:They're like, oh, she's lost.
Marc:It's bad.
Guest:Yeah There's no interest is so weird, you know, and I'm not saying I don't have a close relationship with my dad at all But it's you don't I don't know
Guest:Like when you asked, he really reminds me of your dad where all these grand schemes.
Guest:Yeah, yeah.
Guest:But he asked what he did.
Guest:He sells insurance.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:But you won't see him working a lot because that's not how the insurance business works.
Guest:I wouldn't understand.
Guest:I don't understand the insurance business.
Guest:There's call.
Guest:You wouldn't understand.
Guest:Your feeble mind couldn't begin to comprehend.
Marc:I don't understand the insurance I have.
Guest:That's how they sell it.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:I mean, it is so fucking confusing.
Marc:Like, I'm just hoping that whatever I get is covered.
Marc:Right.
Marc:Whether it's an accident or cancer.
Marc:I just, you know, it's too complicated for me to know by looking at what they sent me.
Guest:Well, my dad was a Catholic priest and so very religious.
Guest:And, you know, that just put distance between us.
Guest:You know, I don't tell him I'm atheist or that I don't go to church because, you know, why bother?
Guest:But it's not that's really his only talking point and that I can't relate or care.
Marc:And that and big schemes.
Marc:And it's Jesus.
Marc:And you got it.
Marc:You know what you got to do?
Guest:Yeah, and just, yeah, I mean, he has... That's true, yeah.
Guest:He'll come to the house and say, hey, this thing's really taken off.
Guest:We're becoming successful.
Guest:The show is, you know, making money, all this kind of stuff.
Guest:And his dad will say, you should get into the insurance business.
Guest:Right, oh yeah, they just... What?
Guest:Yeah, if you want to come back, and we'll start an insurance company in the basement.
Guest:Right.
Marc:How does it get from, like, this is going well to, like, you got to do what I do.
Marc:Right, right.
Marc:It's like, if they can't understand it, they're like, well, clearly, it's not real success.
Marc:Right.
Guest:right well you know what like she'll go over to see her parents and i'll cry every day do you i do they still could get to me which really bothers me because i go in there very adamantly like i'm an adult now you know i'm doing adult things and i own my company and i'm relating to people very well and this is fantastic by the second day i'm crying my mother's i don't know she thinks i'm too fat she doesn't know where i'm going with my life she says
Guest:Yeah, my father doesn't like the way I laugh like it's just insane Have you you really haven't talked to Persian people because any Persian person will tell you like they grew up in this thing where they it'll never happen You'll you'll always be something I think especially as a female Just what are you doing with that laugh?
Guest:Who's gonna marry you right right?
Marc:That's what it's all about.
Marc:Yeah, are you gonna get a dick?
Marc:Yes.
Guest:Semantics.
Guest:How come you don't know how to make rice like a normal human being?
Marc:It's all traditional models.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:Like a woman is supposed to find a husband, have kids, cook well and shut up.
Guest:And that's funny because the woman is supposed to find a husband.
Guest:We're on this constant scavenger hunt of, did I find you?
Guest:Is this you?
Guest:Come on.
Guest:There's got to be something else.
Marc:Okay, so Catholicism, Jewish, Persian, Iraqi, but you turned away from the church early on or what?
Guest:Turning away sounds like such a big deal.
Guest:I just calmly walked away.
Guest:I shook its hand.
Guest:I said, thanks for your time.
Guest:I didn't masturbate until I was 18.
Guest:I was very religious.
Guest:Well, very religious.
Guest:I don't know.
Guest:I did believe it.
Marc:You were afraid to masturbate.
Guest:I absolutely believed it.
Guest:I never even looked into it.
Guest:You just don't do it.
Guest:I know that sounds dumb because when you rub against something, I just didn't.
Guest:Well, you did at night, right?
Guest:Yeah, I came in my sleep.
Guest:Right.
Guest:I had that problem.
Guest:And we didn't talk about that in our family.
Guest:I don't know how many families do, in all fairness.
Guest:I thought my dick sweated somehow.
Guest:And then I hide it.
Marc:It was broken.
Guest:It was leaking something that you didn't understand.
Guest:Which I'm guessing, oh, I hope when your gums hurt, it just fixes itself because I'm not going to ask anybody about this glue my dick's dripping.
Guest:So then I'm wiping it off and then I'd hide it in the other clothes.
Marc:What is it about men thinking that your mother's not going to find this stash of Kleenex?
Marc:Like, you know, like there's some weird thing about jerking off that.
Marc:Like everything else, like in the kitchen, you throw garbage away.
Marc:But when you jerk off the shame tissues, you know, like I remember just sticking them in the corner of my bed.
Marc:What the fuck is my mother going to think?
Marc:Every morning he has a cold.
Guest:Yeah, yeah.
Marc:Poor kid.
Marc:Yeah, he's got snot all the time.
Guest:We interviewed my brother, and he shared, this is going to sound weird because I started with my brother, but he shared the first time that he came, and it happened to be with a girl.
Guest:They had no idea what they were doing, and he thought he was going to pee.
Guest:And he's like, oh, shit, this feels so good, but I'm going to pee.
Guest:And finally, he just let it.
Guest:He's like, fuck it, I'm peeing.
Guest:He really just said that.
Guest:And then whatever it was that he thought just came out, they turned on the lights, and they were just examining it because neither one of them knew what the hell was happening.
Guest:That's a good story.
Guest:They're just like picking through his sperm.
Marc:That's just weird.
Marc:Can he make more of this?
Marc:I can make something.
Marc:Yeah, if you give me 20 minutes.
Guest:Yeah, luckily they didn't figure out that this thing could go into her thing because he just would have gotten her pregnant.
Guest:24.
Guest:Get the fuck out.
Guest:He was like 12.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:So probably, you know, other guys were already putting their dick in their hand and figuring it out.
Guest:But, you know, he just didn't think to do that.
Marc:Well, that's the weirdest thing about Jews and Catholics.
Marc:I mean, you know, I was not taught anything religiously about anything.
Marc:And, you know, I remember talking about jerking off to dudes when we were 13, 14.
Marc:It was like a common conversation.
Marc:Right, but like talking to dudes.
Marc:Yeah, I'm not jerking off right now actually having a conversation about jerking off and and and with Catholics I just don't I can't I can't ever wrap my mouth my mind around the fucking mind fuck of that whole thing Yeah, I remember learning about how how people have sex.
Guest:I asked my mom She gave me a book.
Guest:I looked through it and I was thoroughly disgusted.
Guest:Really?
Guest:Yeah, and I was I was probably too I probably should have known I think I was in fourth grade probably should have known what sex was I think I was 10 and
Guest:The book, by the way, was the Torah.
Guest:And it nauseated me, too.
Guest:I just looked through it.
Guest:I'm like, oh, my God.
Guest:I thought my parents made the biggest sacrifice ever to make the three of us.
Guest:Like, wow, you guys are so nice.
Guest:You did this to make us.
Guest:You're the best.
Guest:And then for years, I thought they had sex three times.
Marc:And that was it.
Guest:And that was it.
Marc:Why would you want to do it more?
Marc:It's a mess.
Guest:Horrible.
Guest:Look at what my dad did.
Guest:He stabbed her with his penis through that.
Guest:thing yeah of course it bleeds when i first saw those books i was like oh my god i couldn't get enough of looking at that shit i guess that's a guy thing though when i first saw what sex looked like i'm like i gotta do that i still don't i still don't want to see it up i want to see my own up close like you know let's look at it for a lot but i don't if i'm watching porn which is very rarely i don't like the close-up
Guest:Right on there.
Guest:Yeah, because then you're just talking about dick vagina, dick vagina, where, you know, if you see the whole thing, you're like, oh, they like each other and they're throwing each other around.
Marc:Yeah, that never happens with porn.
Guest:Oh, they like each other.
Marc:That's love noises.
Guest:Or at least they, you know, they respect each other to throw each other around and pull hair in the right way, you know?
Marc:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Marc:I don't know when porn got so fucking gnarly.
Guest:It's too, it's too much.
Marc:Some of it.
Marc:I mean, like I actually sometimes when I'm watching porn, I'm so happy when I come upon, like I only go to free sites, so it's like whatever clips there, but when they have like classic, I'm like, yeah, let's go classic.
Marc:Back when there was hair on vaginas and they weren't fucking people's heads.
Marc:Right.
Marc:It's fucking...
Guest:I have such visuals.
Marc:It's fucking horrendous.
Guest:I am sorry, I don't have money to pay my electric bill.
Marc:So, okay, so now you both are like, let's go back over here.
Marc:The thing about Persian, they hang on to this Persian thing and they make it very clear that they're not just Arabs.
Guest:Yeah, yeah.
Marc:Because they're not Arabs.
Guest:Yeah, it's a big cultural thing.
Guest:I don't know that I was fighting to say I'm Jewish or Arab, because I think maybe in Queens there's so many Jews, and I look so Jewish that everyone's just assuming it's just all Israeli.
Guest:Because I speak Hebrew, so they just more associate me.
Marc:So you grew up with Hebrew.
Guest:Yeah, I was born in Israel.
Guest:I moved to Queens when I was four, and my parents spoke to me in Hebrew.
Marc:Have you gone back to Israel?
Guest:They now move to Israel, so now I've got to make Meccas every other year, you know what I mean?
Marc:So they're in it.
Guest:They are.
Guest:Well, they my dad got cancer and it was it was it became harder to work.
Guest:So he sold the house and you could retire a lot easier and a lot faster.
Guest:So in his 50s, he retired, moved to Israel.
Guest:So it was a lot easier to do it that way.
Marc:Because like Israel to me is very daunting and very frightening and I don't not comfortable there.
Guest:I get it.
Guest:And it took me a long time.
Guest:It's like, why are people scared of Israel?
Guest:But I guess if all I heard was from here, the bombing and the, you know, checking your bags everywhere and stuff like that, which is how we live now in New York.
Guest:I get it.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Similarly, there are more bombs in Israel.
Guest:But if that's going to be your hang up.
Guest:I don't know.
Guest:You know, I have a different view of Israel because it's the motherland and everyone, even as I was growing up, people were like, oh, someday we'll go back.
Guest:This place is shit.
Guest:I'm like, go back already.
Guest:How long are you going to talk about going back?
Guest:To Israel.
Guest:Yeah, and how Israel's better and everything's better in Israel and the food's better and the people are better.
Guest:Why are you here then?
Guest:I see them say to Chende, you should go back.
Guest:You'll enjoy it.
Guest:It's your people.
Guest:It's like, oh, yeah, it's really not my thing.
Guest:How about you?
Guest:I wish I could.
Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Marc:All right.
Marc:But it's weird you have that in your brain because, I mean, that was delivered to my brain for years.
Marc:I mean, as a Jew, that Israel is this thing that it's there for us, and it's always right, and it's the best place in the world.
Marc:I've been talking about it on stage recently.
Marc:The brainwashing, even because when you're a middle class Jew, you don't get any sense of what God can or will do for you or even understand how the religion works.
Marc:But the one thing you come out of that childhood with is that Israel is somehow more important than anything.
Guest:It's really not.
Guest:I mean, the only reason why I think they say that is if we don't keep saying it, you know, the thousand people that live there now on our side are just going to leave.
Marc:But do you find that you... Because Israelis are rough people in my mind.
Marc:They're intense.
Guest:What are you talking about?
Marc:That.
Marc:Just like that right there.
Marc:It makes my skin crawl.
Marc:Yeah, it's horrendous.
Guest:Mark, you are judging me.
Guest:Mark Amman, I come to your house.
Guest:This is how you treat me.
Guest:You know what?
Guest:You have no respect.
Marc:Stop talking to me.
Marc:That's it.
Guest:Everything is in a yelling voice.
Guest:Listen, if I make you food, you will never eat food like this ever.
Guest:You don't know what food is until I make you food.
Marc:It's like everything they say is the end of the conversation.
Marc:And then they do this thing so that you don't get a chance to talk.
Guest:And then I'm still thinking.
Guest:It's funny.
Marc:It's like abuse.
Marc:It's like emotional abuse.
Guest:It is, and you know what?
Guest:Keith would go with me to an Israeli restaurant, and they don't believe in lines.
Guest:You just kind of bark your order, and you're the loudest person.
Guest:You get your order in, and you get your food, and if you're sheepish or shy in any way, they'll dismiss you for being such a fucking wuss.
Guest:If you stood your ground, I'd give you the falafel, but you don't know how to do this.
Guest:Get the fuck back in line.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I'm waiting for my shawarma.
Guest:It's like, I'll take napkins.
Guest:And I'm like, this is really happening.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:So I become the super polite Israeli so that someone can see someone speaking Hebrew in a nice tone.
Guest:I'm like, whenever you're ready, I will take the falafel.
Guest:Please no hummus.
Guest:I understand that I'm supposed to like hummus.
Guest:I really don't like it.
Guest:I'm saying hummus because that's how you say it.
Guest:And we are polite Jews and Israelis and whatever.
Guest:And we actually went to Israel, me and Keith.
Guest:And we were in.
Marc:When you were together?
Guest:yeah yeah when we were together we were with my brother and my brothers and keith wanted to go get a crepe we were all sitting down he's like i'm gonna go over there and get a crepe and we're like uh keith do you want any help because keith's not gonna do it right keith do you want any help he's like no i i can get a fucking crepe and as soon as he walked away we're all we're all laughing at him because we're like he's gonna come back with no crepe he's not gonna be able to do it he comes back he's like fuck these motherfuckers i don't want a crepe anyway who gives a shit
Guest:And she goes, I'll go up with you.
Guest:I'm like, they don't get my crepe money now.
Guest:Fuck them.
Guest:Even in New York, the Middle Eastern restaurants, they all seem different.
Guest:I don't know what to do.
Guest:I can't shut up there because I don't know what to do.
Guest:Do I get two kebabs and two sides?
Guest:Like, here's the food, but I never know the plan.
Marc:It's intimidating.
Guest:Yeah, and so I just leave.
Guest:I always get yelled at.
Marc:It never works out.
Marc:But it's just interesting to me that you do have this acceptance and reverence of that place.
Guest:Because, because I don't know why, because I think I just had a different view of it.
Guest:I didn't have, you know, the fighting view of it from the news here.
Guest:I had.
Marc:But you also didn't have this sort of like, you know, your family comes from there.
Marc:So it's part of your family.
Marc:But like with Jews in America, they never go and they talk about how they love to go.
Marc:My mother, you know, she goes now with her boyfriend and she's in her 70s.
Marc:And like, we love going.
Marc:I'm like, do you really love going?
Marc:But it all came from.
Guest:Jewish thing like I think there are Jews in America that believe more in Israel than they then they do God or have any sense of God they believe in being a Jew and that that that part of that is Israel I think it's another thing that people are just looking to connect to in life because as you get older there you have less and less connections I just heard you talk about it on one of the episodes if you have a longtime friend you know that that you can do you could see after a long time cherish it yeah it's and maybe that's Israel to people I
Guest:if you can connect yourself to something that, you know, and Israel's not going to reject you, you know, as a Jew.
Guest:So it's like, oh, I have this connection.
Marc:It's going to make you very uncomfortable.
Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest:It'll reject you in your soul.
Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest:You know, you'll never be good enough for Israel, but it'll accept you into the country.
Guest:So I think they're just trying to find a connection.
Guest:But in reality, Israel is just another place.
Guest:I wouldn't visit it as often if my parents didn't live there.
Guest:I mean, it's a 12-hour fucking flight.
Guest:What the fuck am I doing there after I get there?
Guest:And, and...
Guest:I have days where I don't speak Hebrew there because they treat me nicer if I speak English.
Guest:They don't think I know the language.
Guest:Because if you speak Hebrew, it's like, you're supposed to just know.
Guest:It's just, what do I know?
Guest:Come on, move.
Guest:But we did an experiment where it's like, I'm not speaking Hebrew.
Guest:I'm pretending that I don't know.
Guest:And they were like, oh, foreigner.
Guest:Well, here's how this works.
Guest:They think you're cool, that you're coming from another place, and they treat you in a different way.
Guest:And they know America's the only one on their side, and we might report back.
Guest:Until this Obama guy.
Guest:They're not happy with that guy.
Marc:Yeah, right.
Marc:He's not tough enough, right?
Guest:Oh, maybe.
Guest:I don't know.
Guest:I didn't even think of that.
Guest:Look at him running with his wife.
Guest:Like you do anything with your wife that much.
Guest:Anybody that treats their wife so nicely.
Guest:Don't understand.
Guest:Put it.
Guest:Make her make this and come on.
Guest:No end of sentence.
Guest:Come on.
Marc:So, okay, so now when you started the podcast with Keith, you guys were dating?
Marc:Yes.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:And it was the big idea, but what was your dream?
Marc:To be sitting next to him talking about sex?
Guest:Why wouldn't it?
Guest:Forever.
Guest:I didn't have a podcasting dream.
Guest:I was actually pursuing singing, but...
Guest:I don't know.
Guest:I know I can sing.
Guest:Like, I'm not completely delusional, but I don't know how to sell myself by myself.
Guest:And this was a little bit easier because I could say, this Keith and the girl thing is going well.
Guest:You know, where I would go, I would talk to people who wanted to do something with me for singing, and they would say things like, you know, how dumb fucking interviews are.
Guest:Why would we get you to sing it?
Guest:And I'm like, I don't know.
Guest:Can I just sing?
Guest:And then you figure out if you want to use that voice or not.
Guest:Yeah, I'm the worst at selling ourselves singly, but if now you can have this Keith and the girl, we can... It's an entity.
Guest:It's something else.
Guest:Right.
Guest:We can say that and not feel like an asshole.
Guest:Not that you're supposed to feel like an asshole anyway, but if I would go to like regular job interviews, it's like, well, why should we hire you for this position?
Guest:Good question.
Marc:There's many other people.
Marc:I have no idea.
Marc:You're right.
Marc:I'm going to go.
Marc:It's stupid of me for you to come here.
Guest:I would submit.
Guest:At a certain point, I had recorded professional stuff.
Guest:I'll sing to whoever, whenever.
Guest:Just tell me what to do that has to do with this.
Guest:Don't tell me to talk myself up.
Guest:I don't know how to do this.
Marc:Well, that's the weird thing about comedy, too, from where I'm sitting and doing in this, is when you have a creative thing, I didn't know how to fucking sell myself.
Marc:I didn't get into this as a business.
Guest:It's a different side of your brain to do that.
Marc:Yeah, but it's also the side that you need to lie to the other side that you're worth selling.
Marc:So it's very hard for me to convince that side that we've got a good product here.
Marc:He's like, I've seen all the paperwork, you.
Marc:Yeah, exactly.
Guest:You're right.
Marc:I'm looking at the math.
Marc:It's bad.
Marc:There's nothing here.
Guest:Because we're also selling something weird.
Guest:It's not exactly tangible.
Guest:It's like, well, I'll make you laugh.
Marc:Right.
Guest:Probably, at some point.
Marc:But there are guys, I find that a lot of times guys that aren't necessarily that great have an amazingly ambitious salesman side.
Marc:Right.
Guest:Because of the side of the brain.
Guest:You either have a business-y side where you can push whatever bullshit is flying out of your mouth.
Guest:So your creative side is on a dim, but your business side is powering out.
Guest:So you get your content out there, you get yourself out there.
Marc:But there's a confidence to it.
Marc:For me, to be honest with you, comedy was the easiest thing I could think to do.
Marc:Right.
Marc:You know what I mean?
Marc:It's like, I want to do this.
Marc:Like, I'd like to play guitar.
Marc:I'd like to be a writer.
Marc:I'd like to do all this, but I can just do this myself and we'll see how it goes.
Marc:And I think it's the same with podcasting.
Marc:It's like, it's a pain in the ass to run around and be confident and try and push yourself.
Marc:But like, if you just hang out and you just talk, it works out.
Guest:Yeah, isn't that kind of, Keith, why you got to stand up?
Guest:Originally, he was in an improv group and then a sketch group.
Guest:You were an improv guy?
Marc:Yeah, guy.
Marc:I don't know.
Marc:I was in a group and I- I shouldn't condescend to that.
Marc:It's part of the new me.
Marc:Wait a minute.
Marc:That's very interesting.
Guest:Well, you're also not supposed to say all this stuff.
Guest:You're supposed to be thinking of more.
Guest:But did you hear his own disdain for himself?
Guest:He's like-
Guest:Yeah, I did that.
Guest:I came to New York in 96 and I came across a flyer for some improv group and I'm like, okay, maybe I'll improv classes.
Guest:And I'm like, okay, maybe I'll do it.
Guest:I don't know what to do here in New York.
Guest:I already spent too much money doing all the touristy things.
Guest:Saw the Statue of Liberty.
Guest:What's next?
Guest:So I call up and they go, so if you're here for the classes, you know, leave a message.
Guest:If you're here to perform on stage, leave a message also.
Guest:And I go, on stage?
Guest:Okay, done.
Guest:I skipped the fucking class.
Guest:I always cheated the system, Mark.
Guest:Yeah, okay.
Guest:I'll go on stage then.
Guest:So you paid 20 bucks.
Guest:You got on stage.
Guest:I did that every weekend.
Guest:And it was fun, but there were 62 people in the group.
Marc:Yeah, right, right.
Marc:Everyone's paying 20 bucks.
Marc:That's a big improv group.
Marc:It's a racket.
Marc:And that must take a long time to get through those games.
Yeah.
Guest:three-day performance there's a line there's a line to do the next you know whatever yeah i mean you know the bell do something else when i ring the bell ring it so fast or he'd be there all night yeah by the time by the time he got to 30 people have run out of professions to suggest the audience is exhausted with their own improv skills a doctor who really wanted to be a lawyer yeah
Guest:So then I took some people out of that, and we did a little group, then we did a sketch group, but then I realized, you know what, I don't like waiting on people.
Guest:I was doing all the work anyway.
Guest:Let me do stand-up where I only worry about myself, time-wise, what I think is funny.
Marc:I mean, so you do this DVD every year, but I mean, how much do you work on your stand-up?
Guest:I don't.
Guest:This last one, I couldn't be more proud of it.
Guest:I wrote it two weeks before.
Marc:And does it sell beyond the people that feel sorry for you?
Guest:Yes, my family buys it too.
Guest:You know what?
Guest:In this economy, money's still money.
Guest:I don't think they'd be doing me a favor.
Guest:I really don't.
Marc:I'm being condescending, but who buys it?
Marc:Your fans buy it.
Guest:who i mean sure yeah who else is there but it's not in walmart are you proud of the work i mean do you i'm very proud of it i i gave it i brought one for you okay i know that you're you're preconceived to give me a hard time and i am still happy to give it to you i'm still proud of it well i wish you would have given it to me earlier we could have gone over it oh no
Marc:And now it's singing.
Marc:Do you do it?
Guest:I do it because people from the past know that I can do it.
Marc:You don't do it on the show?
Marc:You've never done it on the show?
Guest:Well, maybe a guest comes in and is like, can you harmonize with this while I do my...
Guest:shtick my thing and so I'll do that but it's just like I did a musical earlier this year because the guy knows I could sing from when I did his musical before so I and I just did something that does cover bands with live with Ben Lerman who's a comic and
Guest:And I sang for that.
Guest:So people know I could do it, so they're still hiring me.
Guest:I might be recording something soon, but I'm not pursuing it.
Guest:You kind of have to pick a path, and then I might go back to it later when it becomes a little bit easier.
Guest:You know what I mean?
Guest:Just like people are hiring me now to do it because they know maybe when a couple more doors open for Keith and the Girl, I could do less production and less answering this bullshit and then kind of
Guest:Just have fun.
Guest:Yeah, yeah, I do kind of feel bad with her putting so much time You know we put so much time into Keith and the girl that she doesn't have time to pursue her singing She has without exaggeration the best voice.
Marc:I've ever so you've yeah, I mean so you're admitting to sort of ruining her life Maybe taking her down the wrong direction.
Marc:You're needy.
Guest:I gotta eat What's funny is I'm listening to my own voice in my headphones and I'm like no one's gonna believe I could sing I'm coming out.
Guest:What's up?
Guest:I could sing so fucking good
Guest:It's so fucking good to hire me.
Marc:Isn't it weird though when you're funny that like singing to me, like I did it for the first time publicly, like from the podcast, you know, like I didn't do it here, but Greg Barron does these shows and I did it and I've always been afraid of it.
Marc:You know, I think I have an okay voice and I can play and stuff, but it was just parallel.
Marc:I was paralyzed with fear to sing in front of people.
Marc:Cause to me that was like just too fucking vulnerable.
Marc:And I'm a guy that talks about just about anything, but I couldn't do it.
Marc:But when you're funny, don't you like, isn't there part of you that like, I'm not going to sing on the show.
Marc:It's not what I do.
Marc:And then,
Guest:Well, it would be weird for Suddenly For Me.
Marc:Did you sing too, Keith?
Guest:You guys should sing together.
Marc:Why don't you do duets?
Marc:Where's that DVD?
Guest:I'd be like the hype man.
Guest:I'd do more talking, I think.
Marc:That'd be a hilarious thing.
Marc:You guys should tour with that.
Marc:She sings and you're just a doofus.
Guest:It's a new title of our show.
Guest:She sings, he's a doofus.
Guest:You switch it up.
Guest:Chemda and the doofus.
Guest:If this wasn't working for seven years, I absolutely would.
Guest:But we played some stuff that I've done on the show.
Marc:Yeah, yeah.
Guest:But that's as far as it goes.
Marc:So now, okay, so you guys were together for how long?
Guest:Five years.
Marc:And then you broke up.
Marc:Because I think when I did the show, you were already broken up, right?
Marc:Or just about to?
Guest:We might not have been out about it.
Marc:About breaking up.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:Okay, so it was one of those things.
Marc:It's like they're still doing the show, but you hadn't told your listeners probably.
Guest:For a year and a half.
Marc:You were broken up for a year and a half?
Guest:We weren't allowed to tell anyone because we got a book deal about a relationship.
Marc:That's when I saw you, is like right when you had the, you'd just gotten the deal.
Guest:So I think we were broken up, but you might have thought that we were still together.
Marc:I don't know.
Marc:I can't remember if you told me or not.
Guest:Doesn't matter.
Guest:It was bullshit.
Marc:But here you're doing this fucking raw show and you're keeping this big secret.
Marc:Horrible.
Guest:I felt bad.
Guest:We felt like we're lying a little bit, but we signed the contract saying after the book comes out for a year, you can't say, if you do break up, you can't say.
Guest:And we're like, you know what?
Guest:This is a stupid thing.
Guest:Why is it in there?
Guest:We love each other so much.
Guest:I'm like, okay, you know what?
Guest:Fuck it.
Guest:I'll just sign it.
Guest:Who gives a fuck?
Marc:And then we stuck to it.
Marc:And then we stuck to it.
Marc:How'd the book do?
Guest:Did very well.
Guest:Got a second printing in one week.
Marc:That's great.
Guest:Went very well, yeah.
Guest:Very happy with it.
Guest:Just did an audio version of it where you hear the nitty gritty now that we can tell more about how we feel about each other and our new relationships.
Marc:Yeah, what's going on with that?
Guest:uh well he's engaged and i'm i'm seeing some i'm in a queer relationship but how when did you like when you broke up was it because you realized you came out or what no no i i i'm i'm mostly straight yeah yeah so it's no it's it's not that at all it's not like oh fuck this you're not drawing lines yeah no no no dick moving on no not even i love dick um and the queer relationship has cock in it yeah that's a whole nother story but um what's that let's hear that story
Guest:Well, uh, Lauren... She's transgender.
Guest:So you would say he and so it's a guy.
Guest:She's in a female body and doesn't have any plans to change that.
Guest:But, you know, it's odd to say I feel the cock when I'm with her because I don't think that I can be with a straight-on female exclusively because I have tried it in the past.
Guest:And I'm like, wow, I really like you a lot and I'm attracted to you and I do...
Guest:I do like women.
Guest:I do find them attractive.
Guest:I do like messing around.
Guest:But after a while, I'm just like, something's missing.
Guest:But with Lauren, nothing's missing.
Guest:We've been together for over three years and it's going really well.
Guest:So I feel like there's some kind of a difference.
Marc:But she's not making any transition or anything like that.
Guest:No.
Guest:She might take testosterone, but I'm not sure.
Marc:Right, because I'm a little vague on the world of transgender, but it's still considered transgender if she feels that she is a male and a female's body.
Guest:Yeah, because that's the initial thought, and then you choose to transition or not, but transitioning is a whole other thing too.
Guest:The penis out of a vagina surgery has not been perfected very well.
Guest:Right, right.
Guest:And, you know, she's like almost 30 now.
Guest:So to transition, she feels like might not be.
Guest:She says if she understood what this was and if somebody gave her the option at puberty, she would absolutely transition then.
Guest:But at this point, she's trying to make a career of being an actor.
Guest:And so she feels like, I'll just go with this.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:You know, like, let them cast me like this.
Marc:I mean, that kind of voluntary surgery that is that...
Marc:You know, it's arduous, I would imagine.
Guest:And invasive, yeah.
Marc:Like a big deal to build one of those things.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I mean, she says she doesn't have plans to do it in the future, but, and I tell her this, I think it might happen.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:You know, who knows?
Guest:I mean, look, Chaz did it when he was 50, you know?
Marc:Really?
Marc:He's 50?
Guest:Around there.
Guest:He's out there, sure.
Marc:He's about my age.
Marc:I guess that's true, huh?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:It has to be, yeah.
Marc:And when you, like initially, Keith, when this went down, I mean, did you see this coming or did you-
Guest:No, but I think what I like is that I don't blame myself at all for the breakup.
Guest:No, you can't do that.
Guest:Of course you can't.
Guest:Say, listen to him.
Guest:You can't.
Guest:Because, I mean, look who she's with now.
Guest:Somebody totally dead.
Guest:Like, if this person was kind of like me, I'd be like, ah, where'd I go wrong?
Guest:But here it's like, ah, that's on her.
Guest:Right.
Guest:That's not even close to what I'm like, transgender.
Guest:I don't even know what's going on.
Guest:Are you sure it came?
Guest:That's so funny.
Guest:He's okay.
Guest:Are you sure you're not a girl with a dick?
Guest:Who knows nowadays?
Guest:He's okay with a breakup because of who I'm dating now.
Guest:We were so sick of each other.
Guest:We're really polite about it, but at some point, it was the first time that we ever swore in each other's direction.
Guest:We each said one time, just fuck you, and then we were like, fuck, we went there.
Guest:It was ending.
Guest:Whether we liked it or not, it was done.
Guest:I feel like a lot of relationships go to that and then just stay together because it's like, no, we've been together for all this time.
Guest:You just give up.
Guest:Yeah, and then let's just live in this fuck you world where I just want to kill you every time you talk.
Marc:Yeah, isn't it weird that that happens?
Marc:Because I've been in many bad relationships, and as you get older, you start to realize, fuck, you only have one life.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:So what am I going to sit in this and hate on it?
Guest:Yeah, the whole idea of starting over, like, yeah, just then start over.
Guest:Yeah, just do it.
Guest:What are you starting over?
Guest:Do you want me to make you dinner?
Guest:It's like, well, we're broken up.
Guest:No, you shouldn't make me dinner.
Guest:You're gonna have to eat!
Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest:That's another thing is we were living with each other and we were used to this.
Marc:I don't know how the fuck people do that, man.
Marc:I don't know.
Marc:When I broke up and when it was real, I was like, I don't ever want to see her.
Guest:I think we're friends now because we had to go through that around each other.
Guest:And so...
Marc:Well, you were in a professional relationship.
Marc:You certainly didn't want to sacrifice that.
Marc:But I had the same thing that you had when my first girlfriend was.
Marc:It's hard to believe, because either it's not your fault at all, or you turned her off to an entire gender.
Marc:You were like, that is it.
Marc:I'm done with it.
Marc:But it's so not how it works.
Marc:I know, yeah.
Marc:But I mean, that's the craziness.
Marc:But there's a sort of pride in that.
Marc:I'm such a man that she hates men.
Marc:Sorry, I was too manly for.
Marc:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Marc:Just being a man.
Guest:So it was pretty difficult for a while?
Marc:Yeah, it's just weird.
Marc:On Mike, though, did your fans?
Guest:We're very proud of ourselves.
Guest:We fought.
Guest:We had our breakup.
Guest:We did a show an hour later.
Guest:It was great.
Guest:Right after we broke up, we did a show.
Guest:And you didn't address it.
Marc:And we didn't address it.
Marc:That is some powerful, that is some serious denial and professionalism.
Marc:Thank you.
Guest:It's transcendent.
Marc:Thank God you're a Catholic.
Marc:You just stuffed that shit right down.
Marc:And you knew that, and you were like, I'm not going to fuck this up.
Marc:This is my meal ticket.
Marc:So between your guilt and her ambition, you were able to...
Guest:Our baby group.
Guest:I think you just got it.
Guest:I think you just explained it to our audience.
Guest:But we love doing shows with each other.
Guest:And so even when we were having shitty days with each other, it's like, are you fucking still here?
Guest:Are you still in front of my fucking... We never said this.
Guest:But we understood and we tried to stay out of each other's way as much as possible.
Guest:We were really as much nice to each other as we could be.
Guest:But then after the show, we were like...
Guest:Damn, you're funny.
Guest:All right, you're funny.
Guest:That was really good.
Guest:So you had respect for each other.
Guest:Oh, you know what?
Guest:He's the funniest guy.
Guest:He's just super funny.
Guest:And any time anyone, the comics that give him shit about how he does stand-up, it's like, you know what?
Guest:He shocks them on the show where he just says the funniest shit you could say about whatever's presented in front of him.
Guest:And they think he wrote it down before.
Guest:I've watched their heads explode at how funny he makes things.
Guest:It's undeniable.
Guest:And even if I was not dating him or mad at him or whatever, he's funny.
Marc:Wow, that was the audio version of a blowjob right there.
Marc:This is all I can get now from her.
Marc:No, you are funny, and I think that I don't want to trivialize this stand-up, because I've got a huge amount of respect for this type of mic.
Marc:I mean, a lot of people condescend to radio and whatever, but I believe that there are people on radio that are fucking amazing.
Marc:Like, you know, morning shows, even, when you do morning shows on the road, and you walk in, if they're clicking, and there's a thing, there's some real great comedy people out there, and you're funny, man.
Marc:Thanks.
Guest:Thanks.
Guest:You know what?
Guest:If you know Mark, that was a huge compliment.
Marc:Do you want to send some love her way or no?
Guest:I think she is.
Guest:Oh boy, this is great.
Guest:This is just great.
Guest:Thank you, Mark.
Guest:Hey, can someone say something to the chick in the room?
Marc:Could you blow some smoke up the girl's ass here?
Guest:She just fucking blew you.
Guest:You know what?
Guest:I also get so much credit, though, when she's hilarious.
Guest:She wouldn't be my partner.
Guest:But I'm the asshole.
Guest:It's understood.
Guest:So I get that credit or this credit.
Marc:Well, I thought when I first met you, because I wasn't familiar with you when I did the show, because there's egos in this thing.
Marc:The weird thing about people that are on this kind of mic, their egos are actually larger than comics, who have to go out and get beaten up by people.
Marc:There's an isolation to being like, this is where I am and there's no one around.
Guest:No one could humble them.
Guest:Right, right.
Marc:And when I first met you, I'm like, oh, he's one of these guys.
Marc:I'm going to have to fucking deal with this.
Marc:But you weren't.
Marc:You just were right away.
Guest:I remember Mark coming into our studio the first time.
Guest:And he says, OK, well, what are we going to talk about?
Guest:I'm like, hi, I'm Keith.
Guest:That's true.
Guest:I remember that.
Guest:He goes, what's the agenda?
Guest:You got papers in front of you?
Guest:What you got?
Guest:I'm like, all right, well, we'll talk about, you know, latest in the news and pop culture, this and that, and, you know, we'll dive into your, like, all right, what kind of stuff, though?
Guest:I'm like, you know, just the stuff in the papers.
Guest:Go on.
Guest:I can take it.
Guest:What is it?
Guest:Are we on now?
Guest:We started, right?
Guest:What are you, taping or something?
Guest:Are you fucking me?
Guest:I bet we're done now.
Guest:Oh, I look like an asshole.
Guest:All right, goodbye.
Marc:Well, you know, I was nervous, you know what I mean?
Marc:I didn't want to be throwing a curveball with some pop culture artifact.
Guest:I remember when I was nervous.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:And I would be shy and hide in the corner.
Guest:Now the nervous guy puts a lampshade on his head.
Guest:Fuck you, I'm nervous.
Marc:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest:I'm frightened.
Guest:Look at me.
Guest:Amplify me.
Guest:Put me in front of a mic.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:So now the declaration of atheism on both of your parts, you just say it.
Guest:I noticed that when I said it, and I think I said it so flippantly because I did two atheist podcasts out here.
Marc:But as a Jew, I can understand atheism because you just never really understand what God is.
Marc:It's all very cryptic.
Guest:But as a Catholic, there must be some sort of like... When I came to New York, I still...
Guest:You know, I still was into it and tried it and tried going to church and it was just boring the shit out of me.
Guest:And I'm like, if there's a God, he sees I'm nodding off and this isn't my fault.
Guest:I started going to St.
Guest:Patrick's Cathedral thinking this will get my attention.
Guest:This is the big one.
Guest:I was still snoozing.
Guest:They had TVs.
Guest:And I think what happened before that is when I realized, you know what?
Guest:I do know it's bullshit because I was immersed into it, of course.
Guest:I was an altar boy and everything.
Guest:But then I got a blowjob.
Guest:And I think it all came together right then.
Marc:Yeah, yeah.
Marc:How could this be bad?
Guest:This, right.
Guest:He does not want this to be bad.
Guest:And slowly it just unraveled.
Guest:Until I'm starting to think it's important to say that you're atheist if you are, to tell other people it is okay how you were brainwashed.
Guest:It is okay to think.
Guest:I do think that the majority, I would say the majority, and I'm thinking as I'm talking, the majority of problems we have is because of religion.
Guest:Religion.
Guest:Yes.
Guest:But not necessarily God.
Guest:Yes.
Guest:It goes together to me.
Guest:I understand that it goes together.
Guest:The problems that we have, it goes together with God.
Guest:But I think that people believe in God in different ways.
Guest:And I think there could be someone who believes in God that is just misunderstanding what God is.
Guest:And I did talk about this.
Guest:You know, when you're really feeling shitty or when you're stuck in whatever place, let's call it a ditch, but it could be physical or otherwise, and you're just, God, please help me.
Guest:If you're actually waiting for God, you're going to die.
Guest:But if you say, God, please help me, it might draw, it might get you that energy to get yourself out of there, and then you thank God.
Guest:But what you're thanking is that element in you that you had to pull out that you don't normally have to pull out because you can go about your business without 100% of yourself being active, you
Marc:No, I think that's a fairly Judaic way of looking at it, that there's a negotiation.
Marc:You don't want to give God all the credit, but you ask for help, and whether you did it or he did it, why parse that?
Guest:What's Judaic?
Guest:Is that ridiculous?
Marc:No, it's Jewish.
Marc:Oh, wow.
Marc:No, that's why the Torah is so complicated and bizarre, and then why Chassid sit there and compulsively nod around, is that there's a sort of active relationship.
Marc:I think with Jesus, it's pretty cut and dry.
Marc:I'm sorry, I fucked up, forgive me.
Marc:With Jews, it's sort of like, why'd you do that?
Marc:All right, let me think about it a minute.
Marc:I'm still on board.
Guest:Let me fast while I think.
Guest:Let me not eat bread while I think.
Marc:I mean, there's different spectrums of it.
Marc:But I understand as I get older the need for belief.
Marc:But I definitely agree that religions are dangerous and horrible and mind fucking.
Marc:But people got to believe in something.
Marc:You got to hang your hope on something.
Guest:I get you.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:And if you're going to and I'm not I'm not a God guy, but I do understand that, like that there are people that at some point realize, like, well, all the things I'm hanging my hope on are, you know, they've got they're going to burn out.
Marc:They're not they're not they're not an absolute.
Marc:So I think that the reason people believe in God is like, I'm going to hang my hope on this absolute, and that'll get me through the whole thing.
Marc:Not just sort of, I'm not going to hang my hope on this cup of coffee or this show or this or that because I'm going to be disappointed.
Guest:I get that.
Guest:Did any of that come from, are you still going to the rooms?
Guest:Are you going to AA?
Guest:Do you talk about that?
Marc:Yeah, I go.
Marc:I don't think that any, the only thing that really resonates with me outside of like-minded people talking about an issue that is out of their control
Marc:is the fact that most of that faith can exist without God and that, you know, you can't I mean, you're going to make that program, whatever you're going to make it.
Marc:And that, you know, there's the idea that you can't have faith without God or you can't have hope without God is ridiculous.
Marc:So, you know, I'm in that place.
Marc:It's you know, I don't have I don't have a relationship with a God, but I do understand, you know, what fear does to people and how isolating life can get.
Marc:So it's not that I believe in God, but I understand that people need to hang their hope on something.
Marc:And I do think religion is dangerous, but I'm not going to like I do a joke on stage last night or now I'm starting to do a joke about how, you know, atheists, you know, are argumentative.
Marc:And I try to capture this scene where, you know, has there ever been a time where an atheist has actually talked about?
Marc:you know can you know talk somebody out of their faith and you know what does that moment look like where you just have a guy that's just kind of hanging on you know what i mean he's just he believes he doesn't bother anybody but with it you know he's got a god that gets him through day to day and just some atheists say it's a delusion you know just having that guy kind of break down and go i never thought about it like that ha i win good luck with everything
Guest:You know, there is such a, you know, atheist, even when you said it before, it sounds it sounds so negative.
Guest:And I totally get it.
Guest:I get why people would be turned off by that.
Guest:You don't people in general don't want to be argumentative.
Guest:You know, like if I if I say, oh, this, you know, somebody, you know, when somebody's starting a fight and you don't want to be like, what do you think about Obama's health care plan?
Guest:I'm like, that sounds good.
Guest:I'm ready.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Do you think that you know what?
Guest:I hate it.
Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Marc:I don't want to deal with you.
Guest:I misheard you.
Guest:It's the worst.
Marc:And he's the worst?
Marc:Yeah, it's interesting that there is something within the atheist community where they are portraying themselves as the victim, which is something the Christians have made a great deal of money on.
Marc:Right.
Marc:But, you know, I understand that there is the idea that atheists should be out in order to make other people comfortable with atheism.
Marc:But I think atheism on a personal level, to make that choice and to have that change of heart is a big deal, especially if you were brought up with God.
Marc:But a lot of people, I think more people are sort of like, I don't know, I don't give a shit.
Marc:Like, I don't really care one way or the other.
Marc:I don't have an active pursuit of God in my life.
Marc:It's not on the front burner.
Guest:But I don't have an active pursuit of being atheist either.
Guest:We went on that show, and it was really fun.
Guest:And we get to talk about perspective and our thoughts on God or not God or whatever it is.
Guest:And to me, that's awesome.
Guest:I don't try to convince people.
Guest:I think...
Guest:Do what you want.
Guest:Believe what you want.
Guest:I don't care.
Guest:Just don't bother me about it.
Guest:And that's why I used to be a little aggressive about religion.
Guest:And I don't know if I labeled myself in general, but because it was so rammed down my throat and because I could never be as good as you if I don't wear the right things to synagogue.
Guest:And it was based out of complete bullshit and not out of faith.
Guest:It was really just fear.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:But are you are you looking like we we need you to look like not even are you believing?
Guest:I
Marc:I completely agree.
Guest:And so I was really just like, fuck you, fuck your God, fuck everything.
Guest:But now it's like, you know what?
Guest:Like you said, that gets you through the day.
Guest:Just don't bother me with it.
Marc:That's exactly right.
Marc:But I think that the real agenda of atheism should be undoing the mind fuck and taking away the power of religious organizations that use people.
Guest:I like when they put up these... I know LA was doing it for a little bit.
Guest:They had these giant atheist billboards.
Guest:We had it in New York also.
Guest:Oh, really?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And it was, I mean, just huge.
Guest:And then they take something, a quote from the Bible, talking about, you know, slaves, obey your master, something like that.
Guest:Oh, right.
Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest:And you're like, oh, that's beautiful.
Guest:I wish I had this when I was a kid.
Guest:And I could have got out of this...
Guest:I don't know if this is relatable, but talking about the comedians that I liked and admired, Dice was a huge one.
Guest:I remember being on the bus, and I'm hearing The Day the Laughter Died, not even the first one, the second one, and Marlee Maitland is a dumb, deaf bitch, and I'm like, I didn't know you could say that.
Guest:You could say that?
Guest:You could say whatever you want.
Guest:You could say you'd take Gene Siskel's head and bang it into the elevator buttons, that fat fuck?
Marc:I didn't know you could talk like that.
Marc:Sure, absolutely.
Marc:You might have to apologize for it.
Marc:And cry on Arsenio, but...
Guest:You can say whatever you want.
Guest:It might come back at you.
Guest:But, like, I didn't even know, like, I don't know, you can even think these stupid times.
Guest:I mean, it's not that important that I found out when you drop the bitch off at the next block.
Guest:But there was something new to me, and I'm like, I didn't even know you can think this way.
Guest:I was thinking this way.
Guest:I didn't know it was possible.
Marc:It's exciting.
Marc:Yeah, you got to be careful where your thoughts go.
Marc:Just watch Breaking Bad.
Marc:The will can take you away as well.
Guest:What I'm saying is I hate Marley Maitland.
Marc:Well, you make a stand here.
Marc:And it's current and relevant, and I appreciate you doing that on my show.
Marc:I like her.
Marc:She seems so nice.
Marc:Well, Keith, Chemda, thank you for being here.
Marc:Thank you.
Marc:Let's talk up your show a little bit for people, because I'm sure I've got a lot of people that don't know where it is, so why don't you tell them?
Guest:The show is Keith and the Girl.
Guest:You can find it on iTunes.
Guest:It's completely free.
Guest:Keithandthegirl.com.
Guest:You'll see videos and all that kind of stuff.
Guest:Five days a week, at least an hour, and it's a good time.
Guest:Good talk, you guys.
Guest:Thanks.
Guest:Thank you.
Guest:Shots, shots, shots, shots.
Guest:That's it.
Marc:That's our show.
Marc:I hope you enjoyed.
Marc:Very pleasant people and very funny people.
Marc:And I like talking to them.
Marc:I always have.
Marc:WTFpod.com for all your WTF needs.
Marc:Get some justcoffee.coop over there.
Marc:Hey, they're sending me some green beans so I can do some home roasting.
Marc:I'm becoming that fucking guy.
Marc:God damn it.
Marc:I'm going to home roast my coffee and listen to vinyl records.
Marc:Holy shit.
Marc:Somebody slapped me.
Marc:Go to WTFPod.com, pick up some merchandise.
Marc:Boomy Live shirts are coming.
Marc:I'm still deciding on a charity.
Marc:We're stocking up for Christmas, so there's all kinds of fun shit there.
Marc:You can kick in a few shekels.
Marc:You can leave a comment, but don't be a douchebag.
Marc:I mean, at some point, just get off of the board, right?
Marc:You can check the episode guide.
Marc:You can get the app.
Marc:You can do all kinds of things.
Marc:You know, if you go to Lipson.com,
Marc:and use the WTF code.
Marc:That's our server, and I'd like to encourage other podcasters to use them.
Marc:You'll get a little bit of a break on the first month.
Marc:You'll get a break.
Marc:I think you get one month free if you go to Libsyn.com and use WTF as the code there.
Marc:What else?
Marc:Enjoy your life.
Marc:Be funny.
Marc:Do some art.
Marc:Don't expect too much.
Marc:Try to enjoy what you're doing.
Marc:Try to feel relevant, even if you don't think you are.
Marc:Are these uplifting words?
Marc:I don't think so.
Marc:Boomer lives!