Episode 330 - TJ Miller, Moby, Aries Spears, Dave Hill, Jake Fogelnest, Mike Bobbitt, Jim Earl
Marc:Are we doing this?
Marc:Really?
Marc:Wait for it.
Marc:Are we doing this?
Marc:Wait for it.
Marc:Oh, what the fuck?
Marc:Uncle Juki is.
Marc:And it's also, eh, what the fuck?
Marc:What's wrong with me?
Marc:It's time for WTF.
Guest:What the fuck?
With Mark Marry.
Marc:All right, let's do this.
Marc:How are you, what the fuckers?
Marc:What the fuck buddies?
Marc:What the fucking ears?
Marc:What the fuckersons?
Marc:What the fucktons?
Marc:How are you?
Marc:I am Marc Maron.
Marc:This is WTF.
Marc:This is live WTF at the... What the hell do you call this place now?
Marc:The Tripany House at the Steve Allen Theater?
Marc:Is that how you say it?
Marc:Why don't you make it less fucking confusing?
Marc:Could that be all right?
Marc:Thank you for coming.
Marc:It's a pleasure to see you.
Marc:I'm glad that we're all here.
Marc:Quiet down.
Marc:Quiet down.
Marc:What the fuck just happened?
Marc:He's out there.
Marc:Let's just let him talk.
Marc:I, uh... All right, so this... She's not here, so I'm gonna just bring it up.
Marc:I, um... Dude, I am so fighting the urge to tape her snoring.
Marc:But I have been told... I've been told, like, do not fucking do that.
Marc:Because I think... I don't know where I brought it up.
Marc:I think I tweeted it.
Marc:I okayed it with her.
Marc:She, you know, it happens, you know?
Marc:I don't know if you're with somebody that snores, but, um...
Marc:I have not often thought of murder.
Marc:But it's so sad, like, because I thought, like, you know, maybe it'd be a good idea for me just to record some of it on my iPhone, then play it for tomorrow.
Marc:And I tweeted that, and literally, like, dozens of men were like, do not fucking do that.
Marc:There's no, there doesn't end well.
Marc:All right, emails.
Marc:Chad, where are you?
Marc:Happy 30th birthday.
Marc:Chad, I just want you to know, what was it you say?
Marc:I'd like to quote you so I don't want to fuck it up.
Marc:You said, it's my 30th birthday.
Marc:I have lofty expectations.
Marc:Is that what you said?
Marc:Well, happy fucking birthday.
Marc:Has it been going okay for you so far?
Marc:Until now?
Marc:Happy birthday.
Marc:You know it can go either way.
Marc:You know it can go either way.
Marc:All right.
Marc:Oh, this is a big fuck you email.
Marc:Look at this.
Marc:This is an annual podcast convention.
Marc:Hi, Mark.
Marc:I'm a big fan of the show and would love to invite you to the Cleveland Podcasters Convention.
Marc:The convention takes place from October 12th, 13th, and 14th.
Marc:Each podcast gets to set up its own booth and sell merchandise.
Marc:Every night, four premiere podcasts get to record live.
Marc:If you would like to come, the cost for podcast booth is $995.
Marc:If you want to be a premiere podcast at the fucking Cleveland Podcasters Convention, how hard could that be?
Marc:If you want to be a premiere podcast and record live from the main stage, the cost is $4,995.
Marc:If you're interested, let me know.
Marc:Thanks, Randy.
Marc:Fuck you, Randy.
Marc:What kind of fucking asshole charges podcasters $5,000 to sit on a stage in fucking Cleveland for other people that paid $1,000 a booth?
Marc:Fuck you.
Marc:Fuck you.
Marc:Yeah, wait till the follow-up email.
Marc:Hey, dude, I didn't mean to offend you.
Marc:I just, you know, we're trying to make business, yeah, off of people that have no money.
Marc:Fucking asshole.
Marc:Fuck those people.
Marc:Who the fuck does that?
Marc:Hey, you know, I got a great opportunity for you.
Marc:It's gonna cost you some money.
Marc:Live WTF.
Marc:Hey Mark, I'm going to the live WTF next Tuesday night, the 28th, that's tonight.
Marc:And I am extremely excited to finally experience the magic that is WTF in person.
Marc:Someone is shitting their pants right now.
Marc:The only thing is I am skipping out on my Tuesday night ritual of playing trivia at my favorite local bar.
Marc:Trivia for me is pretty serious business and I almost always place in the top three unless I intentionally throw the game in order to win wonderful dollar store prizes such as fiddle faddle because eating anything from a dollar store is definitely a good idea.
Marc:I don't think I have missed a trivia night in at least two years.
Marc:I have even gone with food poisoning before.
Marc:So, you know, no pressure on you or anything.
Marc:Make it good, Maren.
Marc:Make it good.
Marc:Where are you, Natalie?
Marc:Hi, Natalie, how are you?
Marc:How's it going for you?
Marc:Maybe you should sit up front with this other asshole up here with the birthday passive-aggressive guy.
Marc:I've got a treat for you, Natalie, because I don't want you to feel left out.
Marc:Hey, Moby, you got a trivia question?
Marc:Okay, come on up for a minute.
Marc:This is Moby.
Marc:He's coming out later.
Marc:Thank you.
Marc:This is Natalie, who's really... She's on the fence with whether or not this is going well, but I think that the only way we can make her comfortable is to ask her some difficult trivia questions that perhaps she'll fail at.
Guest:Natalie, you don't have food poisoning now, do you?
Guest:No.
Guest:Okay, that's good.
Guest:So here's tonight's trivia question.
Guest:What percentage of the human body is not comprised of human cells?
Guest:Let me clarify.
Guest:Cells that do not have our DNA, non-human cells.
Guest:Oh, shit.
Guest:So, Natalie, what's your answer?
Guest:90% of the human body is comprised of non-human cells.
Guest:Guess it's fiddle-faddle for you, Natalie.
Guest:Yeah, from the dollar store.
Guest:So it's like old Mexican fiddle-faddle.
Guest:It comes with botulism already in it.
Guest:Thank you, Moby.
Marc:Thank you for doing that.
Marc:I don't want that to seem mean-spirited, Natalie.
Marc:What's that?
Marc:It was an honor.
Marc:Oh, okay.
Marc:Oh, geez, we might be marrying.
Marc:No, I'm glad.
Marc:I just thought that would be fun to make fun of you in front of everybody.
Marc:Jack Black episode.
Marc:Subject line.
Marc:Great interview, Mark.
Marc:You know what's funny?
Marc:Jack was actually on Democracy Now!
Marc:when Schwarzenegger won the election in California.
Marc:Amy Goodman interviewed him for, I guess, a perspective from someone from Cali.
Marc:I thought it was an interesting choice.
Marc:Now, you'd think this was going in that direction.
Marc:I'm in the email.
Marc:I'm like, that's interesting.
Marc:This guy listens to Democracy Now!
Marc:Also, it's awesome that you saw Hart live.
Marc:I've been recently obsessed with those chicks.
Marc:I mean, how fucking hot are they?
Marc:They can jam hard.
Marc:Imagine fucking that lead singer.
Marc:That would be awesome.
Marc:Especially if she started singing while you were fucking her.
Marc:Ha ha.
Marc:Thanks, dude.
Marc:John.
Marc:You know, sometimes people listening to Democracy Now are not who you think they are.
Marc:Aiken.
Marc:Subject line.
Marc:This is very odd.
Marc:It's very oddly written.
Marc:I'm a 50-year-old man, comma, and remember when I was young.
Marc:Period.
Marc:I could have been in a position of me doing date rape, comma, but I had way too much respect for the pussy, period.
Marc:This asshole was making that an okey-doke.
Marc:comma, by his whole thoughts, period, really.
Marc:Just a concerned man, comma, everyday listener, much love to you all.
Marc:Scientists are like comedians.
Marc:Hello, Mark, I'm an atmospheric scientist, and the more time I spend being a scientist, the more I realize that scientists and comedians are alike.
Marc:What?
What?
Marc:I am especially qualified to make this comparison because I, at one time, thought I wanted to be a comedian, and during college, I was.
Marc:But once college was over, I realized it was possible for an audience to hate you, really hate you.
Marc:So that was a deal-breaker.
Marc:So now I spend my time trying to make my colleagues laugh about El Nino,
Marc:Baroclinic instability, and extra-tropical convective storms.
Marc:Everyone in science thinks that their research is the most important research anyone could possibly be doing, and that your research exists only to ride the coattails of their research.
Marc:So if you publish a paper, they are quick to say, oh, I published something like that 15 years ago.
Marc:Why didn't you cite me?
Marc:Citations, fucking citations.
Marc:Comedians have jokes, scientists have fucking citations.
Marc:Comedians get paranoid that Carlos Mencia steals jokes and makes tons of money on Comedy Central.
Marc:Scientists get paranoid that you will publish papers without citing their work as the work that made your work possible and that you will get published in science or nature and get interviewed on NPR or Charlie Rose.
Marc:Scientists are very quick to put you in a box as being dumb or not worth their time or just an opportunist that will step on others
Marc:to advance your career.
Marc:Wow.
Marc:Scientists are hypersensitive, sexually frustrated atheists who have no money and hate Republicans.
Marc:Our sense of personal hygiene is horrendous, and scientists also hate bullshit and ultimately don't give a shit about anything other than the truth.
Marc:And we aren't afraid to piss people off by telling the truth, and we smell bad.
Marc:Sound familiar?
Marc:I'm still glad I'm not a comedian.
Marc:Much love, Neil.
Marc:There you go.
Marc:That's enough emails.
Marc:My first guest, of course, is a regular on the show who I'm putting at the beginning of the show because I want to showcase his sensitivity and his beautiful craftsmanship.
Marc:Please welcome Jim Earl to the stage.
Marc:Thank you.
Guest:Hi, Jim.
Guest:Thank you, Mark.
Marc:What do you got there, books?
Guest:Oh, I got some books here that I'm selling.
Marc:No kidding, are they your books?
Guest:Yes.
Marc:You wrote them?
Marc:I wrote them.
Marc:Will you sign them for the people if they spend money on them?
Guest:No, I'm not going to sign any of this shit, but I'll sell it to them, yeah.
Marc:Oh, what a great night this is where people want to buy your book.
Marc:Hey, Mark.
Marc:How are you, Jim?
Marc:I'm fine, Mark.
Marc:It's very nice to see you.
Guest:I saw a great movie today.
Guest:What was that?
Guest:Robot and Frank.
Guest:Was it good?
Guest:Well, yeah.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:I liked it.
Guest:Is this going anywhere?
Guest:Well, I just wanted to say, I don't want to give anything away, but I thought there'd be more fucking.
Yeah.
Guest:Robot and Frank.
Guest:I thought, you know, you've got a robot and Frank, and they're going on a road trip, you know?
Guest:It's a buddy picture.
Guest:I thought there'd be some, you know, you've got a robot there.
Guest:There should be some fucking in there.
Marc:Did you ask at the, I think it would have been good for you maybe to ask at the ticket booth, like, is there going to be fucking in this picture?
Guest:I've done that before, and it's not good.
Marc:I'm sorry, you know, all right, let's do the thing.
Marc:Do you have remembrances?
Marc:Yeah, I got a couple of obituaries.
Marc:Should we do the music?
Guest:Can we do the music, Sam?
Guest:Can we turn the music on, please?
Guest:Yeah, thanks.
Guest:These are obituaries.
Guest:Of real people.
Guest:Of real people.
Guest:Eugene Pauly, inventor of the wireless television remote control.
Guest:Eugene Pauly, inventor of the remote control, is no longer in control of anything.
Guest:Polly died in Downers Grove, Illinois, of natural causes, if such a thing was ever possible in Downers Grove.
Guest:Small and frail, the elderly Polly, alarmed the family members late Tuesday night after getting lost in the couch.
Ha ha ha ha!
Guest:Medical examiners were quick to note dog-chew marks all over Pauly's torso and a sticky film of hummus or something all over his face.
Guest:You just can't keep those things clean.
Guest:No, you can't.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Invented in 1955, Pauly's flashmatic remote worked like a flashlight and was shaped like a snub-nosed revolver, something many Americans would later shove in their mouths after watching eight hours of shitty westerns.
Guest:Sadly, the 96-year-old died before he had a chance to finish his most important invention, a remote control for his diaper.
Guest:Because he was old and he shit himself.
Guest:That's right.
Guest:Yeah, I get it.
Guest:Pretty old guy.
Guest:Paulie's family expected him to be buried sometime next week, but that is if anybody can get off their fat ass and stop watching TV long enough to do something.
Guest:Paulie requested four photoelectric cells be implanted in his scrotum, so when Jesus returns to Earth, the light from his vengeful sword will activate the small electric motor at the base of his penis and change his tombstone to the Dumont network.
Guest:The what network?
Guest:Dumont.
Guest:That's a 1950 reference.
Guest:Okay.
Guest:Maybe Moby can come out and educate you on some more trivia.
Marc:I like to use references not to make a point, but to actually make the audience feel stupid.
Marc:That's the genius of you.
Guest:I just want the audience to feel puzzled after seeing me.
Marc:That's happening.
Guest:Sam Porcello, inventor of Oreo cream filling.
Guest:Sam Porcello, chief scientist at Nabisco and inventor of Oreo cream filling, is now being eaten by millions of diabetic ants.
Guest:Porcello's body was found face down in a vat of milk, his nutter covered with butter and dew all over his dad.
Guest:Plus he had cancer.
Guest:Do all over his dad.
Guest:Doodads.
Guest:Nutter all over his butter, nutter butters.
Guest:Yeah, I got that.
Guest:Here's an interesting trivia right here.
Guest:No one can confirm the true origin of the word Oreo, but many believe it was derived from the sound people make when they find out they need dialysis.
Yeah.
Guest:Oh, Oreo.
Guest:Oreo.
Guest:That's from the diabetes, right?
Guest:Yeah, you know, if you have dialysis.
Guest:Yeah, because your kidney's gone.
Guest:Right, and if you eat too many Oreos... Sure, sure, I get it.
Guest:Hence the humor.
Guest:You know, Mark, in 2011, Nabisco tried selling Oreos to Poland, but it was too hard to ship them with the cream on the outside of the cookie.
Yeah.
Guest:Oh, give me a break, people.
Marc:That's some old-school shit there.
Guest:That's a decent Polish joke.
Marc:No, we're good.
Marc:We're good.
Guest:Interesting fact.
Guest:You know, the moon is 238,000 miles away, right?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Did you also know that if you stacked every Oreo ever made, one on top of the other, you'd first have to remove half of them from Elvis Presley's impacted colon?
Yeah.
Guest:To get to the moon?
Guest:Right, because you'd have to take them all out of there.
Guest:Yeah, and they're buried with Elvis.
Guest:The deceased requested that the top be carefully twisted off his coffin so that generations of children could gaze in wonder at his cream-filled kidneys.
Guest:Thank you very much.
Marc:Jim Rowe, ladies and gentlemen.
Marc:Ladies and gentlemen, my next guest, let's just be nice to him.
Marc:He's a lovely comic.
Marc:He's open for me before.
Marc:He's very excited to be here, probably too excited.
Marc:And I just hope it goes well for his sake.
Marc:From Detroit, Mike Bobbitt, ladies and gentlemen.
Thank you.
Marc:Me too.
Marc:Yeah, you make me nervous sometimes.
Marc:You're so excited and then I start to get concerned for you.
Marc:So Detroit, who the fuck lives there now?
Marc:People that used to make cars.
Marc:I don't want to condescend to Detroit because I know there's something going on there.
Marc:And you're going back.
Marc:I am?
Marc:When?
Marc:Next month, I think.
Marc:Are you opening for me?
Marc:No, I'll be in Madison again.
Marc:Oh, you will?
Marc:This is a conversation we'll probably have off this.
Marc:Yeah, probably.
Marc:Um...
Marc:But you grew up in Detroit?
Guest:Yeah, I grew up in Detroit.
Guest:It's actually really good.
Guest:It's not like RoboCop.
Guest:It's a movie 8 Mile and shit.
Marc:I feel like I'm guilty of profiling Detroit as this dying city.
Marc:Excuse me.
Marc:What the hell was that?
Marc:It does make people gassy.
Marc:Is it okay if I get honest with my gas on the air here?
Guest:Honest with your gas, but get honest with your gas, too.
Marc:No, I've been criticized for saying bad things about Detroit only because I think it's been characterized as like, oh, it's fucked, no one lives there anymore, it's in trouble.
Marc:But actually people are moving back into the city, building restaurants and hoping for the best.
Guest:Yeah, which should go okay.
Guest:It's not going to go well.
Guest:Yeah?
Guest:Yeah, no.
Guest:You're going back.
Guest:You were in Pontiac before.
Guest:Yeah, I was.
Guest:And that's the nice part.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:I just felt the heaviness.
Marc:I felt it in Cleveland, too.
Marc:I want them to do better.
Marc:If there was some way... It's the Midwest.
Marc:We're all heavy.
Marc:No, no.
Marc:I mean, there was a heavy-heartedness.
Marc:I'm actually codependent with some of the Rust Belt.
Marc:I want very much for it to succeed again.
Guest:It's called unemployment.
Marc:Yeah, I know.
Marc:This is going great.
Marc:It's hilarious.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:So the last time I saw you was in Michigan, in Grand Rapids.
Guest:Yeah, yeah.
Guest:And before that, I was with my wife in Madison, and it wasn't going.
Marc:Ex-wife.
Marc:You were not happy, dude.
Marc:Not happy at all.
Marc:It was fucking brutal.
Marc:It was like, it made me unhappy.
Marc:Yeah, I know.
Marc:I was part of your unhappy marriage for as long as I was with you.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And when we walked back to the hotel one night, I was like, I don't know, man.
Guest:I don't know what I'm going to do.
Guest:And you were like, I don't know what to tell you, man.
Guest:Nobody's happy.
Guest:And then when I saw you in Grand Rapids at the Laugh Fest, I said, hey, you know, when I was going through... And, you know, you wrote me a very nice... So you saw me, what, two years later or a year or so later?
Marc:A year or so later, yeah.
Marc:So at this point, you had gotten a divorce.
Marc:Right.
Marc:And you were in a completely different place.
Marc:And you came up to me and said, what?
Guest:I said, hey, when we were in Madison, you said, nobody's happy.
Guest:And I don't know if you meant, like, nobody in the broader sense, because you're you.
Guest:Or if you meant, like, you talked to her, and all you did was laugh maniacally.
Guest:And I was like...
Guest:You're not offering any closure.
Guest:I don't know what that means.
Marc:But the saddest part about that story is your life had gone through a complete turnaround.
Marc:You had gotten divorced.
Marc:You had changed everything drastically, yet you were still hanging on to this, what's something cryptic that I said?
Marc:Yes.
Marc:You were like, okay, I did everything I was supposed to do.
Marc:What did you mean?
Guest:Right.
Guest:I feel like Pete Holmes.
Guest:Like, you're my comedy dad.
Guest:Like, give me wisdom.
Guest:Give you wisdom?
Guest:Heartbreak will fade if you don't fester in it.
Guest:I have an inappropriately young girlfriend, too, now.
Guest:I never said that about me.
Marc:Well, I... I said she's young and I'm old, but inappropriate.
Marc:She's not 12.
Marc:No.
Marc:Our girlfriends are the same age.
Guest:There's an 11-age difference.
Guest:All right, so we're both fucking idiots.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:It's nice, though, isn't it?
Marc:Hell yeah.
Yeah.
Marc:It's nice, but it's scary.
Marc:And I don't feel like I'm an idiot.
Marc:It's just like I feel like eventually there's going to be a child.
Marc:And it's going to get to a point where what's going to happen is she's going to be like, either you give me a baby or I'm going to have to go have some other guy's baby.
Marc:And I'm going to say, well, I'm not sure I want a baby.
Marc:And she'll go, well, do you want me to leave?
Marc:And I'll be like, all right, come here.
Marc:You know, that...
Marc:Isn't that how babies happen?
Guest:Yeah, I think that's the right answer when someone says, where do babies come from?
Guest:Guilt.
Guest:Oh, good.
Guest:I got them to like me now.
Guest:You don't have any babies, do you?
Guest:No.
Guest:I mean, just the girlfriend.
Guest:She's 29.
Guest:She's a comedian, too.
Guest:How do you think that's going to work out?
Guest:How old are you?
Guest:40.
Guest:11.
Guest:That's kind of average for comics, you know, to go out with younger women.
Guest:Yeah, but you would think that with a girlfriend 11 years younger than me that my career would be along further than this.
Marc:What, are you thinking the pussy's magic?
Yeah.
Marc:Wait a second, it isn't?
Marc:You automatically thought, if I put my cock into a girl 11 years younger than me, my career will turn around.
Marc:Did this woman sell you on a magic pussy?
Marc:It is magical.
Marc:But not in the career way.
Marc:It's just making you feel good about yourself.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:That'll fade.
Yeah.
Marc:I thought we weren't in the garage.
Marc:No, it's very exciting.
Marc:No, it's great, and I'm happy for you.
Marc:I'm just glad you're happy.
Marc:I am happy.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:No, it's good.
Marc:And the last time you were in town, I got you on Comedy Bang Bang, and you were like, that was a lifelong dream.
Guest:Yeah, you asked me, because I got us in Madison together.
Guest:You were like, what do you want?
Guest:I said, to do Comedy Bang Bang, and you were like, that's it?
Guest:And I was like, what?
Marc:That's the other thing I'm beating myself up.
Marc:I hadn't been to Madison, so he got me the gig.
Marc:This was like, what, a couple years ago?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:And then we did the gig together, right?
Marc:And I'm like, what do you want?
Marc:You want to go any thing?
Marc:But I'm like, I can do that.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Yeah, that's the other thing I beat myself up.
Guest:Like, what should I have asked for?
Guest:Can Mark give me my own TV show?
Guest:I don't have a magic pussy.
Marc:Trying to get my own TV show going.
Marc:So how did you feel about the Comedy Bang Bang experience?
Guest:Oh, that was scary, because that's what I came out here for, and I was super nervous.
Guest:That was when Louis C.K.
Guest:showed up beforehand.
Guest:I know, yeah.
Guest:He went on before me and I was terrified.
Guest:And then you had like a very fatherly, you're going to make a good dad.
Guest:You had a very fatherly like pep talk.
Guest:You were like, dude, this is what you came here for.
Guest:They're going to love you.
Guest:This is your crowd.
Guest:And then Mike Kaplan was going on after me.
Guest:He's like, these people don't know you.
Guest:They're going to fucking hate you.
Guest:And you don't know whether he was serious or not?
Guest:I don't know if he was serious.
Guest:He was right.
Guest:Do you think that you had anything to do with that?
Guest:It couldn't have been that bad.
Guest:Scott's having me back, so I guess it was okay.
Guest:He's got a lot of spots to fill.
Guest:But I...
Marc:You did good.
Marc:I was there.
Marc:I know.
Marc:I was there.
Marc:You know where I think you're at?
Marc:Can I be honest with you?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Because I like you.
Marc:You're a very nice guy.
Marc:And you're sensitive, which means that I innately want to bully you.
Marc:Because that's how I handle myself.
Marc:Now...
Marc:What I think is interesting about you is that, you know, you're out in the Midwest, and you stay out there, all right?
Marc:And you've paid your dues on the road.
Marc:You play shitholes.
Marc:You know, your career was a road guy, you know, playing shitholes and making that work.
Marc:But you always felt like a little, you know, like you weren't representing yourself well because deep down you're just a, you're a nerdy guy.
Marc:And then you saw all this nerd activity on the coast, and you're like, why am I not part of the nerd paradise?
Marc:And...
Marc:And then I said, I can get you to Nerd Paradise.
Marc:And then you did your spot at Nerd Paradise, and it didn't get your nerd rocks off.
Guest:Enough to come back, though.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Well, what do you think it was?
Marc:Do you feel like you've got to get rid of some of the roadie, or what?
Guest:You know, a divorce will make you change your writing drastically.
Marc:Yeah, fuck her, right?
Guest:She was a very nice, supportive woman.
Guest:No, that's not the kind of writing I did.
Guest:Yeah, no.
Guest:i don't have a one-man show so yeah no she she was cool but i i just that's so funny the different the different approaches of divorce your one-man show about it would be like it was kind of me yeah she was filipino i'm scared of her she carried a knife i'm not gonna say anything bad about her carry a knife yeah holy she's she's a great woman she's very supportive but i'm terrified of her
Guest:When I got off the plane, she texted me like, don't talk shit about me on your podcast.
Guest:And I was like, all right.
Guest:This was today?
Guest:This was when I landed.
Guest:Dude, you're not supposed to be in touch with her.
Guest:She has my phone number.
Guest:Oh, no.
Guest:We should have spent more time together this week.
Guest:Are you out of the woods, dude?
Guest:Yeah, I'm fine.
Guest:She texted you.
Guest:She's a threat.
Guest:Is that what you just said?
Guest:I wasn't really... Yeah, I don't know.
Guest:It's a cultural difference, right?
Guest:What?
Guest:I'll be fine, right?
Guest:Yeah, sure.
Guest:You can run scared your entire life.
Guest:Think of how many listeners this will have if I die before it airs, though.
Guest:This could be huge.
Marc:Well, you better start saying some bad shit about her.
Marc:You want to make that happen?
Marc:No.
Marc:So you're going to do Bang Bang after this?
Marc:Yep.
Marc:Do you feel good about what happened here?
Marc:I do.
Marc:Do you?
Marc:I think you did a wonderful job.
Marc:Don't you, people?
Marc:Mike Bobbitt, ladies and gentlemen.
Marc:He's gonna run off.
Marc:All right, you good?
Marc:All right, thank you, man.
Marc:You know he's gonna leave thinking like, did I say anything bad about her?
Guest:I think he lied about his whole life and everything.
Guest:You know why?
Guest:Why?
Guest:Because this is not the garage.
Guest:You know, you got to take part of the garage with you.
Marc:Believe me, I do.
Guest:Have a little house.
Guest:It's all right up here.
Guest:Have a little kind of little room here, a little thing.
Guest:And people could go into the garage for about five minutes.
Marc:Like have a garage booth that I travel with?
Marc:Right.
Marc:Just like have this weird phone booth looking thing with some of my posters in there and a book or two.
Marc:Cone of silence, only it'd be the cone of truth.
Marc:The denial of death in my Rodney Dangerfield picture.
Marc:Just a traveling trailer thing?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:All right, great idea, Jim.
Marc:Take it easy.
Guest:You could franchise it, too, like Gallagher.
Marc:You could franchise your garage.
Marc:Okay, just draw up a plan and make it happen, and we'll see what we can get.
Marc:I have a garage.
Marc:Bring on the next person.
Okay.
Marc:My next guest I've known since he was a child.
Marc:Seriously.
Marc:It's a very odd thing.
Marc:You may know him from, he's got a new podcast out.
Marc:He was on MTV briefly.
Marc:He was sort of infamous because he fucked that up.
Marc:Jake Fogelnest, ladies and gentlemen.
Guest:How are you?
Guest:Good, man.
Guest:I'm so psyched.
Guest:I just got into the Cleveland Podcast Festival.
Guest:I'm so fucking psyched.
Guest:Yeah, good for you.
Guest:You can do the live thing?
Guest:Yeah, yeah.
Guest:Oh, good, man.
Guest:It's a really great opportunity.
Guest:Five grand.
Guest:That's a great deal.
Guest:It takes money to make money, Mark.
Guest:How you doing?
Guest:I'm good, man.
Marc:Am I on your show?
Marc:I fucking hate that, though, when people charge artists.
Marc:It's such a racket.
Guest:That's literally... It's like an Amway.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:We got Tupperware and stuff, too.
Marc:We got some vitamins.
Marc:I just don't know who he thinks he was writing to.
Marc:I'm not a big shot or anything, but he was really pitching me.
Marc:Premiere.
Guest:You want to be a premiere...
Guest:Well, I mean, I think that if you are going to do it, you've got to take the premier podcasting slot.
Guest:You don't want to go in there with the lessers.
Marc:No, it's not even that.
Marc:I just picture, like, first of all, who the fuck, how do they market that?
Marc:Like, who's going to come to that?
Marc:I just picture booths with guys sitting there going, yeah, we're at the place, and we're looking over at Joe and Eddie's podcast.
Marc:They do a sports thing.
Marc:I'm waving to them right now.
Marc:Sorry.
Guest:Simultaneously, everyone's saying today's show is brought to you by audible.com.
Marc:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Marc:And then they're all just waiting for which sucker's going to get on the main stage next.
Marc:Oh, there's another asshole who spent $5,000 to sit on the main stage and talk to himself.
Marc:So I knew you when you were a child because your crazy father is serious.
Marc:Go ahead.
Guest:We met when I was eight.
Guest:Eight.
Guest:I was eight years old and my father, wildly inappropriate, decided it would be a good thing to take me to see Marc Maron at the village gate.
Guest:In New York.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:This ends in me on heroin, so... Let me just... We'll just skip to that.
Marc:You're gonna hang that on me?
Marc:His father used to take him to fucking comedy all the time, and, like, when you first see... When you're a comic, and you see a fucking eight- or ten-year-old, you're like, why is there a fucking kid here?
Marc:But his father came so much with him, it's like, no, it's just that Jake kid.
LAUGHTER
Guest:But then it had to be weird like years later at Luna for us to run into each other.
Guest:I'm 16 years old and we have like the same manager.
Guest:Did you hate me?
Guest:No, I just didn't know what you did.
Guest:Right.
Guest:I don't know what I do either.
Marc:Don't get weird.
Marc:No, I get weird.
Marc:I was happy that you were successful somehow.
Marc:I knew that you were doing a talk show in your bedroom and it was on MTV.
Guest:Well, what had happened was I'd had such an inappropriate, which by the way was the best way to grow up.
Marc:But how was your father?
Guest:My father's great.
Guest:He's like a lawyer.
Guest:He was a lunatic.
Guest:Was he in the music business?
Guest:No, he's not in the music.
Guest:He's not in the industry at all.
Guest:He's a criminal defense attorney.
Marc:But I went to your house, I think.
Marc:I just remember hanging out with your dad.
Marc:The fucking 90s.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:So weird.
Guest:Yeah, no, he's in Mexico now.
Guest:He smokes a lot of pot.
Marc:Yeah, that's what you do there.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:That's why people go there.
Marc:Yeah, that's what he said.
Marc:I'm out.
Marc:Is that what he did?
Marc:I'm out.
Guest:He kind of was like, I'm out.
Guest:I'm going to live off Social Security and smoke weed.
Guest:Do you go down there?
Guest:I haven't been down there yet.
Guest:I'm a bad kid.
Yeah.
Guest:I'm bad.
Marc:No, I gotta go.
Marc:I gotta go.
Marc:I understand.
Marc:How long have you been down there?
Guest:He's been down there about a year.
Marc:Oh, okay.
Marc:It's not that long.
Guest:Maybe it's been two.
Marc:Yeah?
Marc:Do you talk to him?
Guest:Yeah, no, I talk to him all the time.
Guest:All right.
Guest:So you get the show on MTV.
Guest:Go ahead.
Guest:Yeah, so I was raised on you, and that sort of, like, I remember you and Rick Aviles and William Stephenson.
Marc:Yeah, sure.
Guest:Those are the comics that I remember.
Marc:That's so funny.
Marc:Rick Avila is the New York pigeon impression.
Marc:Yeah, and he would... He did that weird thing with his mouth where he'd grimace while he was doing his jokes.
Guest:Yeah, which both of us do now because of the nicotine lozenges.
Marc:Right.
Marc:I see myself on TV tucking with nicotine lozenges.
Marc:Okay, I have a fucking twitch.
Marc:If you watch me on TV and I do this, it's because I'm fucking tucking in nicotine.
Marc:You think I could not do that on television?
Guest:It's ridiculous.
Marc:Rick Avila is dead now.
Guest:He is dead.
Guest:He was in Ghost.
Guest:He was the killer in Ghost, remember?
Marc:Yeah, that guy.
Marc:And he was a good comic, and he would do... Yeah, he used to talk like this, and everything was real smooth.
Guest:He was a jazz comic.
Marc:Yeah, he'd pierce his lips after each joke, waiting for the laugh.
Marc:He'd deliver a joke like, and then this is the funny thing.
Guest:And my dad thought this was appropriate entertainment for an eight-year-old, you know, going out to tonight's club.
Marc:Junkie Pigeons.
Marc:That was his bit, Junkie Pigeons.
Guest:Junkie Pigeons, that's right.
Guest:So then I started, when I moved to New York, you know, full-time, when I was like 15, I started doing a show on public access.
Guest:where any lunatic can get a TV show if you fill out pieces of paperwork.
Guest:And then it became a big cult phenomenon for some reason.
Marc:The kid on public access.
Marc:Yeah, and MTV.
Marc:But you were bringing the Ramones on and shit?
Guest:Yeah, I talked to Joey Ramone.
Guest:The Beastie Boys were big fans of it.
Guest:It became sort of like a cult thing.
Guest:And it got picked up by MTV.
Guest:So I immediately developed a drug problem with a 24-year-old dominatrix.
Guest:It was perfect.
Guest:Really?
Guest:Oh, yeah.
Guest:How old were you?
Guest:I was 15.
Guest:15.
Guest:And you were going out with the... It was New York.
Marc:Come on, the 90s.
Marc:No, this is great.
Marc:It's weird.
Marc:So you met a dominatrix.
Guest:Well, she was like, she would do it kind of on the side and, you know, the main gig was, I think, phone sex.
Guest:She was a student.
Marc:But she had to... You're still hanging on to that?
Marc:Like, that's still the way you're framing that story?
Guest:No, the greatest thing is that when she did do the dominatrix stuff, it was all, like, Hasidic Jews that wanted to buy cocaine.
Marc:That's the greatest thing I ever heard.
Marc:So these fucking Hasidic Jews would hire her.
Guest:Hasidic Jews would come in, hire her, and they want to just do coke and get beaten up by, like, an Amazon chick.
Guest:And I'm 15.
Marc:I'm not there.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:That was, you know, that was like, that was work.
Marc:But you were like the nice kid she came home to.
Marc:Yeah, exactly.
Marc:Like, she'd go out and pee on rabbis.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:And then she'd come home and tell you about it and go, do you want me to teach you something?
Guest:Yeah, so that all crashed and burned.
Guest:That's the first person you fucked?
Guest:That is the first person I fucked, yeah.
Marc:That's where shit started.
Marc:That's spectacular.
Marc:Your father brings you to comedy clubs at age 8, and at age 15, a dominatrix who beats up rabbis is the first person you fucked.
Marc:Did she turn you on to the dope?
Guest:No.
Guest:Did she?
Guest:Yeah, absolutely.
Marc:Of course.
Guest:It was sort of a mutual thing.
Guest:We all fell into it.
Guest:But no, she's a 24-year-old.
Guest:She was the adult.
Marc:Please tell me you're still in touch with her.
Marc:No.
Guest:I'm not in touch with her.
Marc:So you got off the dope?
Guest:Yeah, I got off the dope.
Guest:Then I got back on the dope.
Marc:Good for you.
Guest:Yeah, yeah.
Guest:Well, no, because if you get sober at 20, there's eventually, I was 17 when I got sober.
Guest:And then by the time I was 20, I was like, I got this.
Guest:I got this.
Guest:I took a look, you know, because if you stop doing drugs, your life's going to get better.
Guest:Nobody's life gets worse because they stop drinking and doing drugs.
Marc:So you started doing dope again.
Guest:eventually I had a drink and the world didn't collapse.
Guest:And then slowly but surely it did.
Guest:And then now it's been many years.
Marc:I just love that.
Marc:The way that people decide that they don't have a drug problem is like they somehow convince themselves it's like I can use heroin casually.
Marc:I have never ever met.
Marc:I'm just going to do a normal amount of crack.
Marc:Like, without ever thinking, like, there is no normal amount of crack for heroin.
Guest:I swear to God I got back on heroin to quit smoking.
Guest:I swear that was my logic.
Marc:Dude, that was always why I started drinking again, was because, oh, my chest feels tight.
Marc:You know what?
Marc:They say that alcohol...
Marc:Always.
Marc:Always.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Well, I'm glad you're okay.
Marc:Oh, yeah.
Marc:I'm fine.
Marc:What else do you want to say?
Marc:What's the podcast?
Marc:What's it called?
Guest:Oh, it's called The Fogelness Files.
Guest:We do it.
Guest:I do it at the... We.
Guest:Like, I got some big organization.
Guest:The Fogelness Files.
Guest:I do it at the Upright Citizens.
Guest:We get theater once a month out here.
Guest:It comes out through Earwolf.
Guest:And it's great.
Guest:I've been involved with UCB since they opened up.
Marc:And you live in here now?
Guest:Yeah, I live here.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:You date and ****?
Guest:Oh, please cut that out.
Guest:Okay.
Marc:That's my friend.
Marc:That's my friend.
Marc:Okay.
Marc:Jesus Christ.
Marc:That got weird.
Guest:No.
Marc:Is she going to beat you up?
Guest:If I'm lucky.
Guest:That's all.
Guest:I'm just trying to replace that over and over again.
Marc:You're just trying to get back to that.
Marc:Thanks for being here, Jake.
Marc:Thanks, Mark.
Marc:Jake Vogelness.
Marc:Hey, buddy.
Marc:You need to go?
Marc:Oh, you're good?
Marc:All right, so I'm going to bring on... You leaving?
Marc:Yeah, just move down.
Marc:All right, do that.
Marc:Whatever.
Marc:Okay.
Marc:No, I'm going to bring on Dave and Moby and then Ari's and then you.
Marc:Is that all right?
Marc:Because you're the big... You and I are going to have a fun time, right?
Guest:That's a very veiled way to say that, yeah.
Marc:This is gonna go great.
Marc:She makes me uncomfortable, that guy.
Marc:I love you, man.
Marc:It's gonna work out.
Marc:I'm excited too.
Marc:Please welcome to the show author, comedian, Dave Hill.
Marc:I'll bring you out.
Marc:I'll bring the movie out in a minute.
Marc:Sit down, Dave.
Marc:Thank you.
Marc:It's nice to see you.
Marc:Nice to see you, Mark.
Marc:It's not awkward.
Marc:Everything's okay.
Marc:No, I feel great.
Marc:Jake, we almost went down the awkward path, but we balanced.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:It was like a beach ball.
Marc:Do you know, Dave?
Guest:How are we doing on time?
Guest:We're good, buddy.
Guest:All right.
Guest:So you don't live here?
Guest:No, I live in New York.
Guest:What are you doing here?
Guest:I'm just seeing friends and podcasting.
Guest:Yeah, I'm doing that.
Guest:Just hanging out.
Guest:I'm on a media blitz.
Guest:Yeah?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:For what?
Guest:Oh, I have a book out.
Guest:Yeah, what's that called?
Guest:It's called... Mark, it's the best book.
Guest:I hear it's the best book.
Guest:You know who I hear that from?
Guest:You.
Guest:Me.
Me.
Marc:The weird thing that's happening now in our culture, Dave, with Twitter and other areas of free media is that there's a fine line between just a grassroots campaign and blatant desperation.
Guest:Where are you headed with this, Mark?
Marc:I'm saying that you're writing that line very beautifully.
Guest:Thank you.
Guest:Oh, I didn't tell you the name of the book.
Guest:What's the name of the book?
Guest:It's called Tasteful Nudes.
Guest:Oh, that's very sweet.
Marc:It's nice, right?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Is it a memoir?
Guest:No, I wouldn't call it a memoir so much.
Guest:Yeah?
Guest:No, it's essays.
Guest:Essays?
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:And stuff.
Guest:And stuff.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:For my life.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:Do you want to share maybe, like, what's happened to you lately that I need to know?
Guest:Oh, it's funny you ask, Mark.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Well, yeah, I mean, there's lots of stuff in the book, but lately things have only been getting crazier.
Guest:No, I don't have anything.
Guest:No, but we were talking about...
Marc:Dave looked at his hand as if there was something on it that would prompt him to the next bitch, yet it was an illusion because there was nothing on his hand.
Guest:From show business.
Guest:Oh, because, yeah, for people that aren't here, they can know what happened.
Guest:Yeah, I'm trying to keep the listener involved.
Guest:Yeah, like radio.
Guest:Yeah, like radio.
Guest:Wait, no, we were talking about this back...
Guest:We were talking about this catching up backstage, Mark.
Marc:Yes.
Marc:I asked you, what do you want to talk about?
Guest:Yeah, we were having a great hang.
Guest:And no, I recently got... Well, should I start from the meeting?
Guest:You want me to set it up like this?
Guest:So what's been going on with you lately?
Guest:Oh, Mark...
Guest:I was going out to do a show in Littlefield in Brooklyn, one of the venues that we have there in town.
Guest:And I live in Manhattan.
Guest:I was taking the subway out there.
Guest:It was a classy show.
Guest:I wore a suit, and I spent six to eight hours on my hair.
Guest:And I was about to get on the R train, reputable train, 28th and Broadway.
Guest:And I was like, oh, I'm so hungry.
Guest:And there's a gyro cart.
Guest:I get the gyro, and the guy's got all the sauces.
Marc:Gyro cart.
Guest:Yeah, gyro cart.
Guest:It just was blurry to me.
Guest:Sauce the fuck?
Guest:I asked him to put all the sauces just like jizzing all over my gyro.
Guest:Really took it to heart.
Guest:And I go down on the subway.
Guest:Subway comes.
Guest:I get on and start eating the gyro.
Guest:And the sauces are dripping down my hands.
Guest:And I'm on my wrist, drawn on the floor.
Guest:And it's rush hour.
Guest:And it's like, oh, man, car probably wreaks like gyro.
Guest:People are probably looking at me like, this guy looks incredible.
Guest:But...
Guest:It's not very cool that he's doing the gyro.
Guest:So I'm like, I'll get off, finish the gyro, I'll get back on it, get off the next step.
Guest:Did you really get off to finish the gyro?
Guest:I did.
Guest:Out of fear that it would stink up a subway car?
Guest:No, out of respect for my fellow man.
Guest:Because it was making a mess, and I thought if I were one of these other people, I wouldn't want to be on a car with me, aside from the great visual.
Guest:That's very thoughtful of you.
Guest:Yeah, it's just how I live my life.
Guest:I do cool shit like this all the time.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:So I get off, and I go all the way down to the end of the platform, because I don't even want to bother on the platform with this one.
Guest:And I get down, and you know how at the end of the platform they have the black metal storage bins a lot of times?
Guest:Like, not Norwegian black metal.
Guest:Right before you enter the tunnel of death.
Guest:Yeah, yeah, exactly.
Guest:Though that would be pretty cool.
Guest:Like, dark zone.
Guest:And I finished a gyro, and there's no trash can.
Guest:It's a messy wrapper.
Guest:I don't want to throw the wrapper on the ground, on the tracks.
Guest:And so I'm like, I'll just set it on the storage bin.
Guest:I sat at town as soon as I did it, I heard like, and it turns out there's a homeless guy sleeping, camped out on the other side.
Guest:And he's like, sleeping giant, creaking bones and crazy hair.
Guest:And he looks at me, he's just like, back up, back up.
Guest:And I'm just like, back up, like a couple inches.
Guest:But I'm like, what's he going to do?
Guest:Your car's going to come, I'll get on it.
Guest:And then he goes,
Guest:back up and get this trash out of here.
Guest:And he smacks the rapper.
Guest:And then he's like, back up, back up.
Guest:And this guy was, like, super crazy.
Guest:Like, it wasn't just, like, a phase he was going through.
Guest:I'm not getting that from the story.
Guest:No.
Guest:That wasn't reading.
Guest:No, so, you know, but, you know, when you... A guy like this, like, to curse me, this might not even be about me, you know?
Guest:Like, this might be...
Guest:He might be freaking mad at an imaginary guy who's just kind of hanging out, kind of where I'm hanging out, right?
Guest:So I'm like, oh, I'll move like a little bit, but whatever, the chance is going to be here.
Guest:And then he goes, back up or I'll throw this bottle of piss on you.
Guest:And like a ninja from out of nowhere, he pulls all of a sudden, he's got this Gatorade bottle.
Guest:It's not like a regular Gatorade bottle.
Guest:We're like, hang on, I'm just going to grab some Gatorade.
Guest:Gatorade bottle filled with piss.
Guest:No, let me finish.
Guest:No.
Guest:No, it's the giantest size.
Guest:It's the huge size.
Guest:If you're like, I only drink Gatorade.
Guest:It's the biggest.
Guest:The Costco size.
Guest:Yeah, yeah.
Guest:But back to you.
Guest:It's full of piss, of urine.
Guest:And he's like, back up or I'll throw this bottle of piss on you.
Guest:The way he's, it sounds like it's like, back up, think about that.
Guest:If you don't want to do that, throw the bottle of piss on you.
Guest:But he says it all at once and before he even finishes the sentence, he just like launches the entire, wait.
Guest:Hang on, backing it up.
Guest:Who's ever pissed?
Guest:You've pissed in a bottle before.
Guest:Sure, I think.
Guest:Well, the reason I bring this up, if you haven't, if you haven't, you think when you have to go really bad, you're like, I had pissed like six or eight gallons.
Guest:But if you know, Jake...
Guest:pee in a bottle you realize we don't actually don't go that much so the reason i bring it up is for a giant bottle yeah that's like a week or two worth of piss now saving it up if you factor in that the homeless are historically dehydrated people this could be a historically dehydrated people look it up
Marc:Look it up, Mark.
Marc:The homeless are a people.
Guest:No, I've worked with the homeless.
Guest:They talk about it all the time.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:It's in the book.
Guest:Sure.
Guest:Tasteful news.
Guest:Anyway, so he's got and he's just like launches at me and like homeless or not, like his aim is impeccable and everything is just like not a drop.
Guest:It's coming at me just this like buttery hobo Pete.
Guest:You know what I mean?
Guest:You know the kind, like murky like you can't.
Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest:And it hits me and the first blast like hits my
Guest:and messes up.
Guest:I know, like, I spent so much time, and I mean, you'd imagine.
Guest:And then it's like, I'm wearing a suit, goes all the way down my jacket, and it gets on my ass, and it's like, goes through my pants, soaks my underwear.
Guest:He'd effectively wet my pants with his kicks.
Guest:So at this point in the story, like, I'm getting a bit irritated.
Guest:Sure, right?
Guest:I can understand that.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And I'm thinking to myself, well, if someone said to me, like, you know, Dave, what would you do if some total stranger just drenched you in his own piss?
Guest:I'd be like, oh, I'd fucking kill that guy, like, hurt his feelings.
Guest:And... But that wasn't my reaction at all.
Guest:I was just like, I'm getting the fuck out of here.
Guest:Because if you think about it, if your opponent's first move in a confrontation...
Guest:is to just drench you in his own piss.
Guest:Like, what the fuck is this?
Guest:He's got like a shit cannon.
Guest:At least a few more bottles of piss back there.
Guest:So I was just like, touche, well played.
Guest:You win this round.
Guest:Not even gonna call 3-1-1 on you.
Guest:And I just went out in the street, and I'm walking down Fifth Avenue, and the sun is still out, and there's these rivulets of hobo pee just kind of coming down my cheeks and coming down my neck and everything, down my chest, and I'm looking up in the sun.
Guest:It's kind of like these lights coming through, and the ends of my hair are just these balls, almost like Christmas ornaments of piss.
Guest:Viscous pee.
Guest:Yeah, exactly, and the light...
Guest:is sort of, like, refracting through the P and forming these, like, beautiful, almost like prisms or rainbows.
Guest:I don't even know how to describe it.
Guest:I'm glad you spun this in a positive way.
Guest:Well, this is where it's headed.
Guest:Like, you know, people are always saying, like, New York's losing its age.
Guest:And in that moment, all the pain and anger fell away because I was just like, this motherfucking town is back, you know?
Guest:We did it.
Guest:We did it.
Guest:Dave Hill, ladies and gentlemen.
Guest:Let's bring Moby out.
Marc:You want to?
Marc:Want to move down?
Marc:Slide down?
Marc:That was an awesome story.
Marc:Thanks for having me, Mark.
Marc:I'm glad you're here.
Marc:It seems like it's echoing all of a sudden, didn't it?
Guest:Yeah, well, you know, who better to deal with the killer hurt situation in the room than your next guest?
Guest:Ladies and gentlemen, Moby.
Thank you.
Guest:That's all right.
Marc:No, he's all right.
Marc:Oh, he does?
Marc:Ari, do you have to leave?
Marc:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Marc:Okay.
Marc:This is fun.
Marc:Wait, stay there.
Marc:I'm going to give you the righteous intro.
Marc:This guy used to be on Mad TV.
Marc:He's a comedic force to be reckoned with.
Marc:Makes me nervous.
Marc:Ari Spears, ladies and gentlemen.
Guest:Nice.
Guest:Oh, my God.
Marc:Look at you, man.
Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Marc:I'm glad you're smiling and happy because we don't, like, honestly, we don't know each other that well.
Marc:I've met you a couple times.
Marc:And the last, like, I've talked to people about you, and not in a bad way because I don't know.
Marc:Because I actually saw you on that The Shack Show with Kevin Hart.
Guest:Yes, yes.
Guest:And you kicked ass.
Guest:Thank you, man.
Marc:But the last time I saw you at the Laugh Factory, I was just standing outside waiting to be acknowledged, and you just looked at me and said nothing.
Marc:Nothing.
Marc:You know what, man?
Guest:It wasn't on purpose, brother.
Guest:You know, my head is in a cloud.
Guest:I smoke a lot of weed, first of all.
Guest:And I've always, you know, I've been doing stand-up 22 years, and I started when I was 14.
Guest:So I've always kind of just been... I took it personally.
Guest:I'm like, what did I fucking do?
Guest:No, not at all.
Guest:Not at all, man.
Guest:Please don't.
Guest:Don't.
Guest:Because a lot of people don't acknowledge me the way I'd like.
Guest:Like, really?
Guest:Yeah, man.
Guest:You know how this business is.
Guest:Yeah, yeah.
Guest:Hollywood is like high school, man.
Guest:Until you get to sit at the kids' table, the cool kids' table.
Guest:You know, you ain't shit.
Marc:You're on Mad TV.
Marc:You fucking kill with the fucking show.
Guest:Yeah, but you know, Mad TV was like, in comparison to Saturday Night Live, playing in the CBA versus the NBA.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:It's almost like no matter how good we were and no matter how great the compliments, you know, people in the industry were always like, yeah, Mad TV, I heard that show but never watched it.
Guest:So we never really got the respect that I thought we deserved.
Guest:And did you carry that chip on your shoulder?
Guest:I'm sharing it with him.
Guest:It's so fucking big.
Guest:It's on his shoulder.
Guest:Pardon my chip.
Marc:I didn't mean to put it on you.
Marc:But do you bring that into meetings?
Guest:You know, I'm still trying to figure out what the CBA is.
Marc:I'm sorry.
Marc:It's college basketball, I believe, right?
Marc:Am I wrong?
Marc:I'm hoping.
Guest:What is it?
Guest:Oh, Canadian.
Guest:Yeah, yeah, that's wrong too, but fuck it.
Guest:We'll let it go.
Oh.
Guest:You know what, man?
Guest:The industry is... I'm trying not to have that Paul Mooney thing going on with me right now.
Guest:Because, you know, I got a big beard, and I'm black and big, and I don't smile, so when you're the angry nigga, Hollywood is like, we don't want nothing to do with that.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:We only have room for one of those at a time.
Guest:Yeah, yeah.
Guest:For anybody that knows anything about Paul Mooney, if you're a diehard comedy fan, you know, Paul is one of the most brilliant minds in comedy.
Guest:Wrote for Richard Pryor and Eddie Murphy.
Guest:But Paul is such an angry black man that I think it's hurt his career.
Guest:And my special on Showtime was called Hollywood Look, I'm Smiling.
Guest:And the cover is me in blackface, cheesing the camera with three white executives looking over my shoulder.
LAUGHTER
Guest:Because Hollywood likes his Negroes happy.
Guest:So long story short, I did a bit where I talked about, and this was a real experience, Paul Mooney potentially writing for Mad TV.
Guest:I told the writers, we were such on an high as a show, and we were killing Saturday Night Live in the ratings.
Guest:I said, look, if we get Paul Mooney, he will take us to the next level.
Guest:So, of course, Paul shoots himself in the foot because he goes into the meeting, and they go, Paul, are you familiar with our show?
Guest:Homie, all of you have stolen from me.
Guest:All of you.
Guest:All of you.
Guest:I've seen your show.
Guest:I've seen it.
Guest:I've seen it.
Guest:First of all, let me tell you something.
Guest:Homie, first you stole niggas, then you stole my material.
Guest:I invented comedy.
Guest:I invented it.
Guest:It's real.
Guest:Homie, it's real.
Guest:So later on, I run into Paul Mooney, and I go, Paul, how'd it go?
Guest:Homie, they're not going to hire me.
Guest:I'm too real.
Guest:They love niggas that grin.
Guest:When you grin, you win.
Guest:They love grinning niggas.
Guest:They love them.
Guest:You know, so he kind of fucked it up for himself.
Guest:So I'm trying to grin more.
Guest:I'm trying to smile and jazz hands.
Guest:I don't want to be 32 years in this business and be that angry nigga that never made it.
Guest:I got to make white folks like me, man.
Marc:I worked with him in Sacramento once.
Marc:I used to be a doorman at the store, so I used to see him late at night.
Marc:And I never quite got it because I was sort of like, his jokes are okay.
Marc:He's got this weird thing he does with it.
Marc:So I never quite got it.
Marc:So I'm middling for him in Sacramento.
Marc:And this was like, I think I've told this story before.
Marc:So he would go on, and Sacramento's white.
Guest:Oh, I've been.
Marc:Yeah, yes.
Marc:When I land, I'm the quota.
Marc:But I never understood what he did until I admitted for him.
Marc:And he would get on stage, and he would do, like, two and a half hours for a white audience.
Marc:So in that way, like, if you weren't racist when you got in there, if you didn't think you were racist, at two hours, he's gonna find it.
Guest:Yeah, Paul Mooney tests your white patience.
Guest:You know?
Guest:He makes white people get up and leave like they accidentally walked into a Farrakhan meeting.
Guest:That's not where I'm supposed to be.
Guest:Exactly.
Guest:You know what, and it was funny, because he was talking about, and when I do the bit, I was talking about all the famous black people.
Guest:Homie, when you grin, you win.
Guest:Look at the Magic Johnson, the nigga with AIDS.
Guest:That nigga grinned his way through AIDS.
Guest:They love him.
Guest:Have you ever seen his smile?
Guest:It's from temple to temple.
Guest:He looks like the cat in Alice in Wonderland.
Guest:They love him.
Guest:So, yeah, I'm trying to make white folks like me, man.
Guest:How's that going?
Guest:You know, it works sometimes.
Guest:You know, there's always this perception that I'm an angry guy because I don't smile, you know?
Guest:I had it.
Guest:Is that right?
Marc:Well, no, because I was sort of like, when I opened with you, when I was talking to you, I'm like, what is he mad at me for?
Guest:No, no, it's just, you know, if any of you guys know anything about hip-hop and rap music, you know, it's almost like, I'll put it to you like this.
Guest:I have Michael Jordan dreams, but Dennis Rodman habits.
Guest:You know what I'm saying?
Guest:Like, I want to be that guy.
Guest:I want to be liked and loved and wholesome.
Guest:But I like bitches' weed and, you know, whores and eating bad.
Guest:I got a lot of fucked up habits, man.
Guest:You like whores?
Guest:I love whores.
Guest:They're underrated.
Guest:Prostitutes are underrated.
Guest:Really?
Guest:How are they underrated?
Guest:They're whores.
Guest:Because I got two baby mamas, one black, one Puerto Rican, and these bitches are killing me.
Guest:I swear to God, if I'd rather pay and have you leave than all that other shit, it's ridiculous.
Guest:Fuck that.
Guest:He's a practical man.
Guest:I'm on the Charlie Sheen diet, baby.
Marc:How many kids do you have?
Guest:I got two kids.
Guest:My son is half black, half Puerto Rican, and my daughter is full black.
Guest:So, you know, like I said, man, black and Puerto Rican, I'm starting to understand why niggas fuck with white women.
Guest:Why?
Guest:Because white women pay for shit.
Guest:I go out to eat with a white girl, the bill come, I pull my wallet out, she get offended.
Guest:Harry Snow, put your wallet away.
Guest:It's my treat.
Guest:Besides, it's Black History Month.
LAUGHTER
Guest:i go out see you with a black woman the bill come we're looking at the bill and looking at each other like two cowboys facing off at noon it's fucked up it's a fucking challenge man but wait where so you've been doing comedy since you were like 14. i did def jam when i was 16 with martin lawrence man so were you like a child prodigy were you like i don't know man i just you know i i grew up uh in the 80s watching eddie on saturday night live and
Guest:And then when I read a couple things about him, he's also an Aries.
Guest:We got the same birthday.
Guest:And I kind of used that as motivation to get into business.
Guest:Have you met him?
Guest:I did, man.
Guest:And it's funny because Eddie made his bones fucking with people on Saturday Night Live.
Guest:And I remember we did a skit on MADtv around the time he got in trouble for messing with the transvestite.
Guest:And it was right around the time that The Clumps came out.
Guest:So I did the clump characters talking about him fucking with transvestites.
Guest:And word got back to Eddie, and I heard that he wasn't a big fan.
Guest:Eddie don't like people fucking with him, which is ironic because he fucked with people for so many years.
Guest:And I remember the first time I met Eddie, it was on the set of Beverly Hills Cop 3.
Guest:And my stunt double on the show that I was doing at the time was his stunt double.
Guest:So he said, man, come hang out.
Guest:Let's hang out with Eddie.
Guest:And I'm like a little bitch.
Guest:I'm like, oh, my God.
Guest:So I walked into the trailer, and Eddie came out strumming his guitar.
Guest:He was like, you just brother on Def Cabney Jam.
Guest:Did all the impressions and shit.
Guest:You better stop eating.
Guest:You're getting chucky, motherfucker.
Guest:And it fucked my head up.
Guest:So he knew who I was, man.
Guest:It was weird.
Guest:It was weird.
Marc:It's always weird when he knows someone he knows who he is for the wrong reason.
Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly.
Guest:Well, that, but I, you know, I'm like me, and I'm like, he ain't gonna know me, and he's him, and I knew him, but he knew me, and it was great.
Guest:So, now, what was the show you were working on where you needed a stunt double?
Guest:You know what, dude?
Guest:My very first show was called South of Sunset.
Guest:It was an hour action cop drama on CBS with Glenn Frey from the Eagles.
Guest:Yeah!
Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest:And we got killed in the ratings because first of all... Because he's an eagle with Glenn Frey.
Guest:Yeah, well, the story, long story short, you know, we aired in Los Angeles.
Guest:Well, we didn't air in Los Angeles because we had the big fires at the time.
Guest:That was his first big acting gig, too, right?
Guest:I remember that.
And he sucked.
Guest:He was so bad that he ended up taking acting lessons midway through the shoot.
Guest:And he told the producers of CBS, the head honchos, don't you dare.
Guest:That first episode, I've gotten better.
Guest:Fuck you.
Guest:If you add, I'm going to be pissed.
Guest:And they go, we show you, motherfucker.
Guest:So not only did they cancel us after the first episode.
Guest:We aired up against Home Improvement, the number one show on television, Melrose Place, another hot show, and then we were preempted in California because of the mountain fires.
Guest:So we just, we got fucked all the way, dude.
Guest:That was not your year.
Guest:Oh, no, no, it was not my year.
Guest:You know what's funny?
Guest:I made a lot of money in my first five years.
Guest:Because when I moved to LA, I was 16.
Guest:I had done Def Jam and Apollo.
Guest:And I had, you know, hype in this business is huge.
Guest:So I got network deals with every major network in town.
Guest:And I probably made like a little over a million dollars before I was 21.
Marc:But all my shows just... Where's that money?
Marc:Weed and prostitutes.
LAUGHTER
Guest:So yeah, I went through a lot of shit making money, but had nothing to show for it.
Guest:So then finally, by the time I got my deal on Fox, I was like, man, fuck this.
Guest:Just put me on TV, man.
Guest:I don't have to have my own show.
Marc:And where you at now?
Guest:Well, right now I'm touring, and I'm trying to pick up where Chappelle left off.
Guest:I'd love to get a sketch show on Comedy Central, because that nigga left $50 million on the table.
Guest:So someone's got it?
Guest:And that's a crazy time that we live in when niggas are saying no to $50 million.
Guest:For $50 million, Comedy Central could have called me, nigga, three times, and I'd have had to hear it at least four before I got mad.
Guest:Morning, nigga!
Guest:Oh, Comedy Central.
Guest:Four times I would have been mad on the fourth one, Mark.
Guest:Like, what the fuck?
Guest:Have you hung out with him?
Guest:Chappelle?
Guest:No, man, I brushed into Chappelle a couple times.
Guest:That's all you can do now.
Guest:Yeah, he's a weird dude, man.
Marc:Because I'm like, how do I get hold of him?
Marc:Well, he's got a guy, but I don't know if he's still got that guy.
Marc:You're just going to have to run into him somewhere.
Guest:Well, here's what's crazy.
Guest:This was now after all the big Chappelle show hype.
Guest:One night I was performing at the Laugh Factory and the word got out, Chappelle's coming, Chappelle's coming.
Guest:So, you know, I hadn't seen Chappelle since we were both teenagers.
Guest:And, you know, as a comic, you know, you see one of your comrades that, you know, has gained some stature.
Guest:You want to kind of impress him a little bit.
Guest:You want to get some feedback.
Guest:So he came in through the back, sat upstairs.
Guest:And I mean, I did all my A-list shit and fucking crushed.
Guest:So I went back there to try to see what Dave thought.
Guest:And as cool as he could be while he's smoking a cigarette, Dave just looked at me and went, hey, man, I remember when I used to get standing ovations like that.
Guest:man just chill and i just i heard the pac-man music when the ghosts get him i was like it's like shit and i just admired the fact that he was such in a place comedically in his comfort level where he just he doesn't have to chase it he just lets it come to him i still chase it man dude he just shows up in like texas it's crazy he doesn't even book shows people people get calls like chapelle's coming in two hours when
Guest:And there's almost like this aura now where when he gets on stage, for 10 minutes, it's a standing ovation.
Guest:He didn't even utter a word.
Guest:It's just people in fucking awe, man.
Guest:Yeah, and then six hours later... Right, right.
Guest:He's telling stories and talking slow.
Marc:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Marc:Like, when I hear guys who are like, you know, Chappelle did nine hours.
Marc:Like, who the fuck stays in a club...
Marc:What kind of fucking person?
Marc:I mean, at hour three, I'd be like, you know, I got it.
Guest:I don't know what's happening.
Guest:That's a stroke for your own ego.
Guest:But who stays?
Guest:Nobody should.
Guest:There's a real point to leave them wanting more.
Guest:It's like sex.
Guest:Even if I could fuck a chick for three hours, bitch, I'm going for 15 minutes because I'm trying to watch SportsCenter and eat this Del Taco.
Guest:I ain't got time for all that shit.
Guest:It's unnecessary.
Guest:Ari Spears, ladies and gentlemen.
Guest:Thank you, man.
Guest:Thank you very much.
Guest:I got to take off.
Guest:Good to see you, man.
Guest:Thank you so much.
Guest:You good?
Guest:All right, right on.
Marc:I don't get that.
Marc:Seriously, like, you know, I don't understand the... Like, I've done two hours, two and a half hours of my life.
Marc:But these guys that do six hours, I mean, what the fuck is happening in hour five?
Marc:Do you know what I mean?
Marc:Like, I mean, I can't imagine it.
Marc:Could you imagine that?
Marc:Three hours of me?
Marc:I can't imagine it.
Marc:But think about hour five where I'm just sort of like, oh, yeah.
Guest:You go see like Bruce.
Marc:Right, am I fucking right?
Guest:Bruce Springsteen plays for like three hours.
Guest:He's playing songs.
Guest:Yeah, but even that's too much.
Guest:It's like, all right, Bruce, enough.
Guest:Some guy talking?
Guest:No.
Marc:That's so funny.
Marc:You're the only guy in the world.
Marc:Are you a Springsteen fan?
Guest:I like Springsteen a lot, yeah.
Marc:But three hours.
Marc:But I've never heard a Springsteen fan say that.
Marc:It's like, it was amazing.
Marc:He did 19 encores.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:It's too much.
Marc:I want to go home.
Marc:Dude, I went to a concert.
Marc:I went to see.
Marc:Let's bring a music guy here.
Marc:Moby, come on out, man.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:You all right?
Thanks.
Marc:Nice to see you, man.
Marc:So I have a question.
Marc:Yes.
Marc:Why am I here?
Marc:Because you work with Dave and I like you and you were at the show last week and you're very important in the dance techno important guy.
Marc:The music, like everybody knew your songs and everybody did this to them.
Guest:And I have a history with almost everybody here.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Jake and I used to do drugs together.
Guest:Really?
Guest:You and I are in our cult together.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I just met you and Dave and I used to date before the church cured me.
Guest:Wow.
Guest:Almost cured us.
Marc:But have you... When you did live performances, I don't know, did you have machines?
Marc:Like when you did the dance music?
Marc:I mean, you would perform live.
Marc:I grew up playing in punk rock bands.
Guest:In Connecticut, right?
Guest:In Connecticut.
Guest:Dead silence from the audience.
Guest:Like one inbred wasp in the audience.
Guest:Like...
Guest:Clapping their patrician flippers together.
Guest:So I grew up playing in punk rock bands.
Guest:Guitar?
Guest:Guitar.
Guest:And then I came to dance music late because I was hanging out in New York in the early 80s.
Guest:And as we were... Okay.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:do you remember yeah like you'd go to danceteria and these clubs and there'd be like the bad brains playing in the basement gay disco on the first floor a hip-hop dj on the second floor and moby and then weird and then like yeah and it's like junkies in the hallways and it was great so it was wild there there was the elevator there was all those weird nooks and crannies and crevices and the i vomited there twice at danceteria and you lost your virginity to a dominatrix yeah yes
Guest:Wow.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:I was a professional dominatrix for one day.
Guest:Really?
Marc:I really was.
Guest:That's not even, that's the truth.
Marc:Are males called dominatrices?
Guest:I think I was, sure, why not?
Guest:Okay.
Guest:My friend Holly was a dominatrix.
Guest:Wait, my Holly?
Maybe.
Guest:Rescues Chihuahuas?
Guest:Yeah, yeah.
Guest:So Holly had a client from New Jersey who had this fantasy of being a wig salesman and dancing around some lady's apartment and the lady's boyfriend comes home and gets mad.
Guest:And Holly said, could you just pretend to be the boyfriend?
Guest:And I was like, under one condition, if you pay me a dollar, that way I become a professional.
LAUGHTER
Guest:And henceforth, everyone I meet, I can say I used to be a professional dominatrix.
Guest:So I walk into this apartment and I really wanted to respect what this guy was doing because he's paying money to be humiliated.
Guest:And also, it's fairly specific.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Where does it... What happens?
Guest:What are the circumstances that leads to that specific of a fantasy?
Marc:But fetishes in general are amazing to me.
Marc:I'm jealous.
Marc:I wish I had them.
Marc:I wish I had one.
Marc:Sort of like, you know, I need you to go like... You know, like, while I jerk off and cry.
Guest:So, well, the jerking off and crying, I have that down.
Guest:So I walk into this apartment.
Marc:Do you do it rhythmically?
Guest:Boom, boom, boom, boom.
Guest:So I walk into the apartment, and there's this morbidly obese accountant from New Jersey in purple lingerie and a purple wig dancing to the Andrews sisters.
LAUGHTER
Guest:No, are you serious?
Guest:Yes, and I walk in, and I'm supposed to be angry, and I'm like, what the fuck is this guy doing in my apartment?
Guest:And then Holly beat him up with a riding crop.
Guest:He went into the bathroom, changed back into his accountant clothes, and very politely thanked us.
Guest:He was like, thank you so much.
Guest:That was great.
Guest:That was it?
Guest:So I just had to walk in and be like, you should kick his ass.
Marc:there's no like i didn't realize that until i i actually why am i saying this in because it's fun no there's but i didn't realize this until i i dated the domination briefly not because i was into it just because that's what she did i had that experience but but a lot of times that people don't come they just want to be humiliated i'm like really like i can get that from anybody
Marc:You know what I mean?
Marc:You think if you're paying for something, the least you can do is you're like, ugh.
Marc:But no, they're sort of like, ugh, thank you.
Marc:The orgasm cheapens the experience.
Marc:The orgasm cheapens no experience.
Guest:The orgasm only heightens experiences.
Guest:But isn't that, she would always tell...
Guest:tell me that she doesn't let them jizz.
Guest:Yeah.
Marc:Oh, right.
Guest:Like, don't you dare.
Guest:Yeah, yeah.
Guest:Bad boy.
Marc:Clean up your mess.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:But she has the best.
Guest:She would tell me stories of like a guy who would just want to be told to do book reports.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:And I was like, what?
Guest:Oh, I remember Holly.
Guest:You remember her, too?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Oh, that Holly.
Guest:She comes to shows a lot still.
Guest:And I did a show recently at UCB, and this guy kept coming up to me like, hey, you need a beer or anything?
Guest:He's just a totally regular guy.
Guest:And he kept asking me if I needed a drink.
Guest:And I was like, no, I'm good.
Guest:And then later, she's like, yeah, that was like one of my slaves.
Guest:And I just told him to always keep offering you a drink all night long.
Guest:And I was like, this is working out great for me.
Marc:I don't know about... I've tried to sort of scour the recesses of my brain for where I would find pleasure in something like that.
Guest:Me and my experience of it or that guy's experience of it?
Marc:This is about me.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:How do you find pleasure?
Marc:How do I find pleasure?
Yeah.
Marc:The regular way.
Guest:In the friction.
Marc:Your voice got very small all of a sudden.
Marc:I just like to be very engaged with somebody and completely enmeshed to where you don't know who you are, where they are, where they begin or where you end and that kind of shit.
Marc:I just like it to be completely intense.
Marc:I wouldn't like, okay, I'm going to put my hat on now.
Marc:You know, it's like, I don't know how these guys sort of like, all right, this is my fantasy, and then they come out dressed for it, and they don't go, look at me.
Marc:You're like, I don't know how that doesn't happen.
Marc:Like, this is ridiculous.
Marc:I got a thing hanging off my thing.
Marc:You know, like, I don't know.
Guest:Or like what if something goes wrong?
Guest:Like you come out and the hat falls off.
Guest:Does that fuck up the whole thing?
Guest:But also you guys are talking about the gentle side of dominatrixing.
Guest:Back in the 90s in New York, I had a friend who operated the dominatrix dungeon of last resort.
Guest:So she would basically all the clients who wanted stuff that was so disgusting and violent that other dominatrix wouldn't touch them, they would go to her studio.
Guest:And I went to a party in her dungeon once.
Guest:And it was the scariest place I've ever been.
Guest:It's all like steel, like very surgical.
Guest:And she told me this one story of a man whose penis had been sliced so much.
Marc:How is this going to be funny?
Guest:You see, you just made it funny.
Guest:But it's, you know, interesting is good too.
Guest:It doesn't all have to be funny.
Guest:And a sliced up penis, there's comedy there.
Guest:Did you ever go to the vault?
Guest:The vault was kind of boring.
Guest:It's like, again, like chubby accountants in fetish wear being like, oh, mistress, will you please stuff on me?
Marc:No, I mean, I know that this world exists where, you know, people, like, I saw a photograph, like, I used to know Joel Peter Witkin in New Mexico.
Marc:And he took a photograph of a guy that had a ring around his balls that was hooked to a pulley.
Marc:And the line of the pulley, it went up to a pulley and over the pulley.
Marc:And then right over his head was a 25-pound weight that was hooked to his balls.
Marc:And it was fairly a complete thing.
Marc:There was a circle of life there.
Marc:But in my mind, I'm like, well, that seems very challenging.
Marc:But I'm not like, oh, I got to fucking do that.
Guest:Well, I remember I did Lollapalooza in 1995, and they had the Jim Rose sideshow.
Guest:Sure, I knew those guys.
Guest:And they were doing similar stuff.
Guest:Right.
Guest:And what was amazing is this was one of the first insights I had in the difference between female sexuality and male sexuality.
Guest:I grew up with this idea that men are these conquering sexual beasts.
Guest:Not me, clearly.
Guest:I heard you did all right in your day.
Guest:Thanks.
Guest:LAUGHTER
Guest:so I was watching I was on stage behind stage and I was watching the response to the audience as like the S&M stuff was going on on stage and like the men were cowering like little pussies and the girls were all like smiling and engaged and that's when I realized like women are so much tougher than us yes like in every sense okay
Marc:I mean, I think that's a generalization, and I think that probably works in a club.
Marc:But no, I mean, I'll meet him halfway.
Marc:I think that we both have tough qualities, but I think... No?
Guest:Sure.
Guest:Yeah, we radiate... I mean, just look at the five of us.
Guest:We radiate tough, right?
Guest:It's great.
Guest:It's like we're the warriors.
Yeah.
Marc:I have to feel at this point in my life, Moby, that I have at least a little control over my emotions.
Marc:It's not, there's nothing in my life that would indicate that, but I... But the vault thing, like, all I remember is one time, you know, being in New York for the Pride Parade, and then they always had, like, a float that was, like, a dungeon float, and the dudes that were on that float, there was always, like, one guy who was pale, that had a gray beard, where your only feeling was, like, that guy shouldn't be outside ever.
Marc:You know, like, who the fuck is that guy?
Marc:You know, like, the gimp in Pulp Fiction, you know what I mean?
Marc:And it just frightened me, that whole world.
Marc:I don't know what those people do for a living.
Guest:Usually there are countants in New Jersey.
Guest:I bet you there are a few of them in the audience tonight.
Guest:If you're in the world of latex and S&M, stand up.
Guest:Come on, give yourself a round of applause.
Guest:It feels so mid-90s, doesn't it?
Guest:No, my audience is quietly angry.
Guest:LAUGHTER
Guest:The vault.
Guest:Because that's what I heard.
Guest:I knew girls from college and stuff.
Guest:People went there to giggle and stuff.
Guest:So I was out with some friends.
Guest:We were trying to figure out what to do.
Guest:And we ended up there.
Guest:And I saw this guy back...
Guest:on, like, there's, like, a board, and he's kind of in the cockroach position, and everyone's sort of gathering around, just jizzing.
Guest:And, no, just, like, guys are, like, jerking off in these members-only jackets, but unironic members-only jackets.
Guest:And there's this screaming.
Guest:You know when cats have, the first time you hear a cat having sex?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Yeah, it sounds crazy.
Guest:You can't figure out what that is.
Guest:Yeah, it sounds like my mom.
Guest:it sounded like that so I was like we should probably see what's going on over there yeah and I get up there and this this petite woman had it was like up to her elbows and this guy's ass and my brain this was like in the mid like the pre-internet my brain wasn't set up
Guest:i couldn't process what i was seeing i was like well that may that's no and i thought it was like it would be like if someone took their head off and was like carrying it at their side i was like well that's i'm just gonna get back over uh there from before with just the guy jerking off i get that but that
Guest:But that's the right reaction.
Guest:That's the right reaction.
Guest:Like, I worry about kids today that just kind of browse through that randomly on porn sites.
Guest:Like, oh, yeah, it's fisting.
Guest:That's just a thing that I'm acquainted with.
Guest:Well, that's the thing.
Guest:You bust a gap.
Guest:I saw that, and I swear I wanted to go on, like, a Catholic retreat for, like, two weeks.
Yeah.
Guest:I was a mess, and I was asking everyone I was with, I was like, just tell me, just for me, just spit it back at me what you saw, just so I'm clear what I saw.
Guest:And everyone was like, yeah, arm up the ass.
Guest:Dave, we should hit the buffet on three, you know?
Guest:But are you okay with it now?
Guest:I feel in a way it was good for me because it sort of like leveled me out a little bit.
Guest:And now I feel like if there's a triage situation or whatever.
Guest:Where you have to take a hand out of an ass?
Guest:Jump into the breach, yeah.
Marc:Get this out of here.
Marc:You're like, I've seen this before.
Marc:Yeah, yeah, I got this one.
Marc:Let's bring TJ out.
Marc:Why don't you just come out here and join the conversation?
Marc:TJ Miller, ladies and gentlemen.
Marc:There should be mics for everybody.
Guest:I knew you must have been chomping at the bit back there.
Guest:No, I want to say first that Moby, I'm so glad that you shared that dominatrix story because the richness of that guy's experience that he didn't expect, the texture of it,
Guest:is incredible because the guy's like, okay, and then your boyfriend will come home and he'll be like, what the fuck are you doing, you know?
Guest:And I just have to enjoy that when that happened, you came out.
Guest:And it was like, it's Moby.
Guest:Like, I know retroactively that wasn't happening, but in my mind, I really enjoy that.
Guest:so you know so the guy's like is that Moby you know and then suddenly listen to this because it's like a roller coaster because he's like alright so what's going on now and you realistically you just heard him be like hey what the fuck are you doing and I was like he must have lost his fucking mind
Guest:Because he saw you get really mean.
Guest:But the thing is, I'm little and my voice is like thin and whiny.
Guest:So you just sounded tough.
Guest:And I was like, hey, what are you doing?
Guest:But see, I like that.
Guest:What the fuck is this guy doing in my apartment?
Guest:I also like at the end, in this weird turn of events, as you're mad at him, you're like, you know what?
Guest:You should kick his ass.
Guest:And then you leave, or ostensibly hang out.
Guest:I hung out, yeah.
Guest:I love that you hung out also!
Guest:Like, he's just like, hey, kick his ass.
Guest:I'm gonna make a little food.
Guest:I was gonna see IPVR'd SVU, but...
Guest:If it gets weird, I'm going to watch.
Marc:But, like, haven't you been in weird situations?
Marc:Oh, yeah, for sure.
Marc:Because I don't, like, quite frankly, you know, I've met you a few times.
Marc:I think the first time we met in Aspen, though, right?
Guest:Yeah, but we've never, because I opened for you and Taj.
Marc:Are you coming back?
Yeah.
Guest:Moby just comes back with a riding crop.
Marc:Anyone else need anything?
Marc:Moby's going to get... Everybody good?
Marc:We're good.
Guest:Guys, Moby, another round of Shirley Temple.
Guest:Thanks.
Guest:Okay, keep going.
Guest:So what were you saying?
Guest:Now, what is it?
Guest:We met in Aspen.
Guest:No, yeah, I opened for you and Tosh in Aspen at the Wheeler Theater from Denver, so it was pretty crazy.
Guest:And I was like, who the fuck is this guy?
Guest:And I was like, who the fuck is this guy?
Marc:But you didn't strike me as odd then.
Marc:I just know who you were, and you were killing.
Marc:And then I'd run into you a couple times.
Marc:You'd be wearing different weird pieces of clothing, like a vest and a bowler hat.
Guest:You know, I tell you, I want to say right there, a vest is one of the strangest pieces of clothing.
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:You know?
Marc:It is a little weird, but you rock the vest occasionally.
Guest:If you wear it without a tie, it looks really weird to wear just a shirt and a vest.
Guest:But I don't do that.
Guest:So you wore it with a tie?
Guest:Yeah, I try to.
Marc:Okay.
Marc:I'm glad we got that out of the way.
Marc:No problem.
Marc:It's not awkward between us, is it?
Guest:No, I don't think so.
Guest:I mean, you know, I don't think we've ever really talked, to be honest with you.
Guest:Because when I opened for you, we didn't really talk.
Guest:You know, you were very polite.
Guest:You were nice.
Guest:And then the other times that I've ever seen you or been on shows with you, we've just sort of acknowledged each other and that's it.
Guest:So I've never actually had a conversation.
Marc:But what's your feeling in those moments?
Marc:Because my feeling is, like, why is this guy looking at me all fucking weird?
Guest:In my mind, I'm like, I'm going to look at this guy all fucking weird.
LAUGHTER
Guest:It's nice to have someone finally admit that to you.
Guest:It's not a weird thing.
Guest:I'm just like, I heard this guy's really in his head.
Guest:I'm going to stare him down.
Guest:I want to know what's going on over there.
Marc:So I was reading that correctly.
Guest:No.
Marc:Because every time I see him, I walk in and I'm like, there's T.J.
Marc:Miller.
Marc:And then you're just sort of like...
Guest:Yeah, for those of you that can't see, he's sort of making his face look like you just recently smelled shit and you're remembering it.
Guest:But you're proud of it.
Guest:So I just look like a shit-eating, proud guy.
Guest:Exactly.
Guest:Yeah, I don't think so.
Guest:I think my face is just horse-like, you know?
Guest:I was being generous.
Guest:Oh, thank you.
Guest:But sure, if you want to go with horse, that's fine.
Guest:I think I have a stronger jawline than most horses.
Guest:I do think that.
Guest:But okay, so there was no...
Marc:But that's the one I just made, isn't it?
Guest:Hey, Mark, what are you up to?
Guest:Exactly.
Guest:Right.
Guest:I'm looking at you for just a few seconds too long.
Guest:Yeah, exactly.
Guest:No, I never.
Guest:Because I knew of you, but I never really knew you.
Guest:I just knew sort of stories that I'd heard, and I take those with a grain of salt, but you kind of know what you know about a person.
Marc:I think that's probably, you know, a lot of people... What do you mean taking them with a grain of salt?
Guest:Well, you can't, until you really meet someone, you can't sort of make a strong opinion about them.
Guest:Do you hear some shit?
Guest:I mean, yeah, man.
Guest:But I heard some great stuff.
Guest:You know, you hear great stuff, too.
Guest:I'm sure you've heard terrible things about me.
Marc:What I've heard is, like, I go, what's up with T.J.
Marc:Miller?
Marc:And people go, I know, right?
LAUGHTER
Guest:In a way, that's sort of the perfect... I like that response a lot.
Guest:I know, right?
Guest:What is up with you?
Guest:Yeah, exactly.
Guest:What is up with you?
Guest:Well, I know, right?
Guest:I mean, really.
Guest:That's sort of my response, too.
Guest:I know!
Guest:I'm always looking in the mirror like, what?
Guest:I really do.
Guest:But I think that's part of it.
Guest:I enjoy the absurdity of it all.
Guest:I do.
Guest:You like the absurdity.
Guest:Yeah, my girlfriend said to me on the way over to the... Because, you know, this is a big... I'm really excited about this.
Guest:This is a fun thing.
Guest:I'm excited.
Guest:I was nervous.
Guest:Were you nervous?
Guest:Yeah, I was really nervous.
Guest:I just texted a guy that I don't know that well that I was nervous.
Guest:That's when you know you're really nervous.
Guest:when you're kind of like opening it up to people you don't talk to too often and you're like hey yeah anyway i'm nervous i'm on the way to the show but yeah i mean because i don't you know i don't know i i thought i there was a good chance i thought that you would just shred me because i is that possible oh yeah for sure i'd do it to myself yeah how's that like give me an impression music album out of it
Guest:Oh, I have that.
Guest:I love that.
Guest:I love you, Dave.
Guest:And I also love that when people are like, man, you're pretty chilled out.
Guest:You're a pretty level-headed guy.
Guest:You're like, yeah, I saw fisting.
Guest:Really kind of chilled me out, you know?
Guest:Now I'm just coasting.
Guest:It's amazing.
Guest:It's what I needed, you know?
Guest:It's a fun night.
Guest:Do you play music?
Guest:Do I play music?
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:No, no, no, I don't like... Oh.
Guest:I'm not into music.
Guest:I may...
Guest:I'm not.
Guest:Now, that being said, I do love all of your music.
Guest:I really do.
Guest:I owned it, and I still own it.
Guest:And I want to say that, but I, as a comedian, I did want to make a joke.
Guest:I wanted to be like, listen to me.
Guest:You really, I loved your music, and I still love it.
Guest:It's incredible.
Guest:And my favorite song is Praise You.
Guest:But that was going to be a joke because you never made that.
Guest:No, I didn't.
Guest:But actually, I was doing a press conference in New Zealand in front of about 50 people.
Guest:And this one young Kiwi journalist said, what was it like to make a video with Christopher Walken?
Guest:Because Fatboy Slim... What's it like to be called a Kiwi?
Guest:Well...
Guest:and then to be referred to as a fruit because well basically because all of us little bald guys look the same and we're sort of interchangeable i was sitting at the oaks which is a contemporary coffee shop in the district of los felis and uh and some guy came up to me he was like oh man it's such an honor to meet you and i was like oh great and he's like you know losing my religion is one of the greatest oh my god that's forever though what did you say you should have been like hey what are you doing with my girlfriend
Guest:You better kick his ass.
Guest:Get out of my apartment.
Guest:No, I didn't want to ruin it for him, so I was like, oh, thank you.
Guest:That's very kind.
Marc:Have you ever in your life, though, just said, fuck Fat Boy Slim?
Guest:Nope, those words have never come out of my mouth.
Guest:See, but I don't even, I don't know what he looks like.
Guest:He was on the fucking Olympics.
Guest:They pulled him out of whatever world he comes from.
Guest:And then he looked like, but then he looked like a giant inflatable clear octopus.
Guest:That was the weirdest.
Guest:I can't believe, I was watching that and I was like, so we all accept this as reality?
Guest:Just that Fatboy Slim is in the middle of a giant... No, it's like the decline in the British Empire through music.
Guest:Yeah, but then they're getting the Spice Girls back together.
Marc:Yeah, I know.
Marc:What the fuck is that?
Guest:You're scraping the bottom... Remember this from the 90s?
Guest:Now it's happening again forcefully.
Guest:Against your will.
Marc:The sad thing was the digression.
Marc:You know, you got Lennon, you got Bowie, and then all of a sudden those pigs?
Marc:It was tough, no.
Marc:Did I just say that?
Marc:I'm sorry, ladies.
Marc:I think that's okay.
Marc:And I'm sorry men who like the Spice Girls, but you should fucking get hold of yourself.
Marc:I know a lot of people enjoy pop music, but those people are fucking children.
Marc:Where we at?
Marc:What's happening?
Marc:I don't know what just came out of me.
Marc:I didn't mean fucking children.
Marc:I meant they are children.
Marc:It's not for grown-ups.
Marc:All right?
Marc:Just deal with the pain.
Marc:There's no dancing.
Marc:You can't dance this away.
Guest:It's a fucking tragedy.
Guest:You need to look it in the eye and be sad for years like a real man.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:Wait a minute.
Marc:Do you play music?
Marc:Yeah.
Marc:You do?
Marc:What do you play?
Marc:Guitar.
Marc:Yeah, I'm not as good as Dave.
Marc:Dave's like a wizard.
Marc:I just fucking do some... Yeah, Dave's really good right now.
Marc:I'm incredible.
Marc:But you have some sweet axes, though.
Marc:I got a few axes, but I don't overdo it.
Marc:I'm not like a guy who can't play that buys a lot of guitars.
Guest:You have a reasonable... I have a reasonable amount of guitars.
Marc:In your respect, you have great guitars.
Marc:I have a Stratcaster, a Telecaster, a Gibson Les Paul Jr., and I just bought a J45.
Marc:That's it.
Marc:That's all you need.
Guest:You have the tools to go to work.
Guest:Telecaster seems like they ran out of names, you know?
Guest:Telecaster's a great guitar.
Guest:I got this one.
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:You know what?
Guest:Let me fist this one out.
Guest:What happened... I'm going to go ahead and fist this.
Guest:You can cut this out.
Guest:But it was called The Broadcaster.
Guest:But as it turned out, Gretch was already making a drum set called The Broadcaster.
Guest:So in a pinch, Fender... It's a very funny story.
Guest:They had to call it The Telecaster.
Guest:Right.
Guest:I didn't go.
Guest:That's what happened.
Guest:Leo Fender.
Marc:No, it's good.
Guest:It's good.
It's good.
Guest:I really, I'm a fan.
Marc:You came from Chicago with the rest of them, right?
Marc:With the rest of them?
Guest:Yes, that's right.
Guest:With the rest of the black people, Mark.
Guest:Jesus, how dare you?
Marc:No, I meant with the Pete Holmes, with the Kumails, with the Kyle Kananis.
Guest:The Kyle Kananis.
Guest:The Matt Brongadongers.
Guest:The Brongadonger.
Marc:The Chicago crew.
Marc:Would you break the mic, fuckhead?
Guest:No, and we're back.
LAUGHTER
Guest:I think they wisely just dialed it down.
Guest:After the great talk.
Guest:Why did I just say fuckhead?
Guest:I'm sorry.
Guest:Wait, what?
Guest:I just wanted to say fuckhead angrily.
Guest:No, you can call me that.
Guest:I mean, not down on regularly, but you know.
Guest:I'm sorry.
Marc:But the Chicago thing, you guys are taking over, right?
Marc:Yeah, I don't know.
Guest:We all started... Well, we started this open mic on Monday.
Guest:It's called The Lion's Den.
Guest:You got three minutes, and there must have been 50 or 60 comics that went up, and it went from 8 p.m.
Guest:until they closed.
Guest:And so we all just sort of met there, and for whatever reason... I think it's just everybody's pretty good and pretty different.
Guest:I saw Kyle Kinane really early on when he was still doing sort of weird, absurdist stuff, and it was so...
Guest:funny i was like how am i ever going to figure out how to even be a fraction as funny as that guy and then you're surrounded by those people so it is a weird thing because pete holmes is so funny yeah sorry no no that's i mean he's so weird though because he that is
Guest:Yeah.
Guest:It's just much louder.
Guest:Very genuine.
Guest:It is.
Marc:No, it's not.
Marc:It's not?
Marc:No, I heard him really laugh, and I called him on it.
Marc:Like, we were in conversation.
Marc:He only laughed once.
Marc:It was at something he said, I'm sure.
Marc:No, it was actually Chelsea Peretti did something.
Marc:It was in Montreal, and Pete let out a genuine laugh, and I'm like, that's how you laugh.
Marc:I said it with that much anger.
Marc:What did he do?
Marc:Did he respond?
Marc:Right.
Marc:He did do that.
Marc:People have many laughs.
Guest:Bullshit.
Guest:You're right.
Guest:It's fake.
Guest:I also know that he's going to hear this and he's just cringing and crying inside.
Guest:You're like his comedy father.
Guest:He needs your approval.
Guest:I've given him my approval.
Marc:How earnest do I have to be about it?
Guest:It's never ending for him.
Guest:I know.
Marc:I have a word for that.
Marc:A fucking emotional vampire.
Guest:I mean, you were mean about the Spice Girls, but this is a new low mark.
Guest:At least for me and what I've seen.
Guest:Which is nothing.
Guest:This is the first time we've ever met and talked.
Marc:After a certain point, I can only not be a cranky old fuck for so long.
Guest:But you do have this air.
Guest:I don't know what it is.
Guest:I think it's natural.
Guest:No, it's not a bad thing.
Guest:I just think a lot of people are kind of like, what does he think of me?
Guest:I think you really cornered the market on that.
Guest:I really do.
Marc:I mean, I sort of do.
Marc:I generally, there's only a few people I really dislike.
Marc:There's two or three people I really dislike, and then there's a bunch of people that I'm slightly jealous of, and then there's two or three people I genuinely like.
Guest:That's really interesting to me, because I will say that.
Guest:You sort of mentioned there's a bunch of people you're jealous of, because I look at you and your career, and I'm like, man, he fucking crushed it.
Guest:It's all built on spite.
Guest:No, but that's okay.
Guest:What better thing?
Guest:What better thing than a guy who's like, I'm spiteful, I'm spiteful, I'm spiteful, I'm spiteful.
Guest:Oh, my God.
Guest:I just kicked ass with a podcast.
Guest:You know, like, you sort of... You were so angry for so long, and then you found the perfect forum for it, and now you have, like, a legion of...
Guest:fans that not only like you but care about you?
Marc:I'm much happier.
Marc:And I'm sorry that I've been a little touchy.
Marc:No, I don't think... I have a lot more respect for people in a broad way than I ever used to because I felt like I was so angry.
Marc:And now I can appreciate just about everybody.
Guest:Well, it's also crazy because I think at least what I've seen in the whole sort of WTF movement is that you... No, no, really.
Guest:I think that's fine to say.
Guest:Are you guys opposed to it?
Guest:You don't like that?
Guest:In the whole WTF fad... Yeah.
Guest:And this sort of fad that's going on.
Guest:No.
Guest:But I mean, no, in the sort of movement, it's like, it's interesting that you're, you sort of were angry for a long time, but then you found all these people that also sort of felt angry in a similar way or related to you.
Guest:And then, I mean, it's amazing.
Guest:Imagine how many people are angry and always unhappy and are like, I wish I felt connected to people.
Guest:I wish there were so many people that sometimes they put stickers on my house.
Marc:Yeah.
Guest:Yeah, and that happened.
Marc:It's pretty amazing.
Marc:I'm very grateful about the whole thing, and I'm very happy for your success.
Marc:Thank you.
Guest:Mark, I was in Yogi Bear 3D.
Guest:You were?
Guest:Yeah, you didn't see it?
Guest:No.
Guest:It's really good.
Guest:Dave?
Guest:I haven't seen it.
Guest:You were in Yogi Bear 3D?
Guest:Yeah, I was Ranger Jones.
Guest:I was the younger, sort of upstart Ranger.
Guest:Yeah?
Guest:And was that a difficult role for you?
Guest:It was.
Guest:What were the challenges of playing that?
Guest:Well, I had to wear shorts the entire time.
Guest:Wait, were you...
Guest:Is it animated?
Guest:It was half animated and half live action.
Guest:I was live action and the bears were animated.
Guest:And also a turtle, but that's a spoiler.
Guest:So I don't want to... I'm not going to say too much about the plot.
Guest:Because you should see it, Mark.
Guest:I feel like really to see it is to know me.
Guest:Does Walter White shoot Yogi?
Guest:Does Walter White shoot Yogi?
Guest:No, Boo Boo jumps in front of the bullet at the last minute.
Guest:That's a real spoiler.
Guest:Well, you know, this worked out pretty good.
Guest:Well, I thought, I was really, I was nervous it was going to go very badly, so I'm excited.
Guest:And it's also a really great guest.
Guest:I'm so excited to be on.
Guest:This is, you know, it's pretty crazy to be on with all these guys.
Marc:I just need to put out a general thing here.
Marc:I'd like to apologize to the Spike Girls.
Marc:To the Spike Girls.
Marc:to the spike girls for calling them pigs and uh i want to apologize to pete holmes though it's it's never going to end between us um once again that was an apology just to be clear that was an apology can i i have a question yeah
Guest:And this is coming from my insecurity, but am I one of the three people you dislike?
Guest:Because the whole time you guys were talking and talking about backstage, I was like, well, when you said there's three people I dislike, and I was like, well, I'm one of them.
Guest:That's not true, right?
I mean...
Marc:No, no.
Guest:I mean, I'm not even jealous of that many people anymore.
Guest:And I like you.
Guest:Like, initially... There was an unsaid, like, enough at the end of that.
Guest:I like you enough.
Guest:Or is that my own insecurity?
Guest:This is what I'm saying.
Guest:He has the market cornered.
Guest:Well, I mean... You fucking listen to him.
Guest:Anything he says, you're like, what does that mean?
Guest:Hold on a second.
Guest:I see.
Guest:I'm funny.
Guest:Yeah, okay, Mark.
Guest:All right.
Guest:I walk away from this tonight still wondering if I have Mark's approval.
Guest:That's all I care about.
Guest:I walk away from it.
Guest:It was a really fun night.
Guest:It's great, but I think we all walk away from it going, I hope he likes me.
Guest:I know you do.
Guest:I thought you said there were only three people you like.
Guest:Wait.
Guest:Now...
Guest:What is it?
Marc:I think that's... It was just a joke.
Guest:No, Mark, it was a statistical truth.
Guest:Name those people and the rest of us will live in purgatory.
Guest:Are they three in order?
Guest:Is there a one, two, three, or are they all equally liked?
Guest:What is it?
Guest:We deserve to know.
Ah!
Guest:We've given so much of our lives to you.
Guest:Oh, my God.
Marc:I misspoke, Jim.
Marc:I like you.
Marc:I like you, and I like you, and I like you.
Marc:You skipped over me.
Guest:Everyone sucked.
Guest:You know what?
Guest:When you pointed your pinky at me, it was kind of crooked.
Guest:It was sort of like, I like you this much.
Guest:Thank you very much.
Guest:DJ Miller, Moby, Dave Hill, Jim Earl, Jake Vogelnest, Ari Spears.
Guest:Put on that music.
Guest:You guys were great.
Guest:Great show.
Guest:Thank you.
Guest:Thanks, buddy.
Guest:You waving?
Guest:Thank you, guys.
Guest:Everybody good?
Guest:All right.
you