Episode 33 - Sarah Silverman / Paul F. Tompkins / Jerry Minor

Episode 33 • Released December 23, 2009 • Speakers detected

00:00:00Guest 9:Lock the gates!

00:00:07Marc:Are we doing this?

00:00:08Marc:Really?

00:00:08Marc:Wait for it.

00:00:09Marc:Are we doing this?

00:00:10Marc:Wait for it.

00:00:12Marc:Pow!

00:00:12Marc:What the fuck?

00:00:14Marc:And it's also, eh, what the fuck?

00:00:16Marc:What's wrong with me?

00:00:17Marc:It's time for WTF!

00:00:19Guest 3:What the fuck?

00:00:20Guest 3:With Mark Maron.

00:00:23Marc:All right, what the fuckers, welcome to the show.

00:00:26Marc:We're live at the UCB Theater in Hollywood, just across from the Scientology Celebrity Center.

00:00:33Marc:Awesome.

00:00:34Marc:Thanks for coming.

00:00:35Marc:This is going to be the Christmas show.

00:00:38Marc:So let's pretend like it's Christmas, shall we?

00:00:40Marc:Let's take a minute.

00:00:42Marc:Hmm.

00:00:43Marc:Let's talk to the people that are listening to this.

00:00:45Marc:This show is going to go up on the 24th.

00:00:47Marc:So it's the day before Christmas.

00:00:49Marc:So let's assume there are people maybe traveling home.

00:00:52Marc:All right, they're on the plane by themselves, freaking out because they have fucking family to deal with.

00:00:58Marc:They're going back to a home that's uncomfortable, filled with abuse and pain.

00:01:02Oh.

00:01:04Marc:So let's just talk to them.

00:01:06Marc:All right, keep it together.

00:01:09Marc:All right, don't let them in.

00:01:10Marc:Keep them out.

00:01:12Marc:Remember, they're the ones that wired you.

00:01:14Marc:They can get into the box.

00:01:17Marc:Keep them out of the box.

00:01:19Marc:I don't usually tell people to lie, but this is a good time to start lying.

00:01:23Marc:Pretend that everything is okay.

00:01:25Marc:Sure, your mom will see through it, but fuck her.

00:01:27Marc:Just ride it out.

00:01:29Marc:All right, tell them you have things going on that you don't.

00:01:32Marc:Don't let them see the insecurity, and don't let your father hit you.

00:01:35Marc:All right, just hold on.

00:01:39Marc:Keep hold of the ship, stay steady, and good luck.

00:01:43Marc:And Merry Christmas.

00:01:45Marc:Sorry, I just want to do that for the listener.

00:01:47Marc:I have to reach out to all people.

00:01:49Marc:Is everyone having a pretty good holiday season?

00:01:51Marc:You okay?

00:01:51Marc:Do you give a fuck?

00:01:52Marc:Seriously, do you care?

00:01:55Marc:I'm a Jew.

00:01:56Marc:Is that over yet?

00:01:58Marc:Are we done with that?

00:02:00Marc:What's that?

00:02:02Marc:Oh, shit.

00:02:05Marc:So I've got one more day to light my sad menorah at home with my cats, which I have not done up to this point because I refuse to do it alone.

00:02:13Marc:Because my brother, who's really Jew-y, he once said last year, he's like, dude, you know, you're sad, you're alone.

00:02:20Marc:I think it's a good time to light the menorah.

00:02:21Marc:I'm like, how is that not the fucking opposite of that?

00:02:25Marc:You want me to sit there with my cat in a yarmulke in my kitchen lighting a menorah by myself?

00:02:32Marc:Somehow this is good for you?

00:02:34Marc:I didn't do it that much when I was married either because my wife wasn't Jewish.

00:02:39Marc:She was quite the opposite of Jewish.

00:02:40Marc:She was like large and German.

00:02:43Marc:And...

00:02:46Marc:And by the way, who the fuck stole the Work Will Set You Free thing off the gates of Auschwitz today?

00:02:52Marc:Did you hear about that?

00:02:54Marc:Someone fucking stole the, I don't want to try and say it in German because I don't know German, but the thing that translates Work Will Set You Free right over the gate of Auschwitz was stolen last night.

00:03:03Marc:What the fuck?

00:03:04Marc:Someone is going to get a very unique Christmas present.

00:03:08Marc:Some skinhead is going to be thrilled.

00:03:11Marc:Oh, my God, baby.

00:03:12Marc:This is better than the skin lampshade from last year.

00:03:20Marc:Maybe it'll show up like over the Home Depot parking lot on sunset.

00:03:28Marc:Where was I going with this?

00:03:31Marc:Oh, I remember.

00:03:33Marc:I remember.

00:03:33Marc:Last year.

00:03:34Marc:Oh, right.

00:03:34Marc:When I was married.

00:03:35Marc:And my wife does this thing.

00:03:36Marc:Because whenever you're a Jew and you're married to a non-Jew.

00:03:38Marc:And I'm not Jew-y.

00:03:39Marc:A lot of you know that.

00:03:39Marc:But some of you accuse me of talking about it too much.

00:03:42Marc:That means I'm even less Jew-y.

00:03:44Marc:Because when you talk about it a lot, that means you don't even fucking bother with candles or any other bullshit.

00:03:48Marc:So my wife at the time, she goes, look, I think you should light the candles.

00:03:52Marc:And I'm like, no, I'm not doing that.

00:03:53Marc:I mean, no, she goes, I don't want to deny you that.

00:03:54Marc:I'm like, I haven't fucking done it in years.

00:03:56Marc:She goes, I want you to light your candles.

00:04:00Marc:So I fell for it.

00:04:01Marc:I'm like, OK, I'll do it.

00:04:03Marc:So it was the first night of Hanukkah.

00:04:04Marc:I'm standing there in my kitchen with my little yarmulke on, my little candle to light the other one like you do.

00:04:10Marc:And I'm standing there next to my non-Jewish wife.

00:04:14Marc:And I'm saying the prayer.

00:04:16Marc:And I hear her go...

00:04:26Marc:And I'm like, what the fuck is that?

00:04:29Marc:What are you laughing at?

00:04:30Marc:And she's like, no, I just think it's wonderful.

00:04:32Marc:I'm like, no, you can't say that when you're suppressing laughter.

00:04:36Marc:She goes, no, I just I'm really touched.

00:04:38Marc:You're doing no, you're not.

00:04:40Marc:You're sitting there thinking, look at this silly Jew man with a silly Jew hat singing his silly Jew song.

00:04:49Marc:So that's over.

00:04:52Marc:But you know that.

00:04:54Marc:All I want for Hanukkah, I don't get any presents.

00:04:57Marc:You know why?

00:04:57Marc:Because I don't give any.

00:04:58Marc:I got three Christmas cards.

00:04:59Marc:I'm not complaining.

00:05:00Marc:It's fine.

00:05:00Marc:Except one of them is from someone I don't know.

00:05:02Marc:And this is the second year I've gotten one from her.

00:05:08Marc:Has that happened to you?

00:05:10Marc:She writes her name, Jana.

00:05:11Marc:Are you here?

00:05:15Marc:I got a card.

00:05:16Marc:The second year of the road, Jana sent me a card.

00:05:18Marc:The address is somewhere out by the LAX airport.

00:05:21Marc:I have no fucking idea who she is.

00:05:24Marc:And I don't know if I want to pursue it.

00:05:25Marc:Maybe that's part of the game.

00:05:27Marc:What was I going to say?

00:05:29Marc:I want a cleaver.

00:05:29Marc:I want a cleaver for Christmas.

00:05:32Marc:I want a large cleaver.

00:05:34Marc:Like a big one.

00:05:35Marc:Because I've gotten into coconut water.

00:05:38Marc:Because they say it's really good for you.

00:05:40Marc:And it tastes so good.

00:05:42Marc:But you ever drank it right out of a fucking coconut?

00:05:43Marc:Like at a Thai restaurant?

00:05:45Marc:That's the best.

00:05:46Marc:And I bought a couple of those coconuts.

00:05:49Marc:And I brought them home and I had to hack them open and it didn't work out so well.

00:05:54Marc:So I think if I had a cleaver, I could do it very precisely.

00:05:57Marc:And then on top of that, I realized that...

00:05:59Marc:If I could do that with some confidence every morning with a whole coconut, that means every day I wake up, it will feel like I just shipwrecked on an island.

00:06:09Marc:Wouldn't that be a great way to start a day?

00:06:11Marc:Just open up a coconut and just be like, oh, God.

00:06:17Marc:That's the big idea.

00:06:22Marc:Okay, let's do this at the beginning of the show.

00:06:25Marc:I have some justcoffee.coop coffee.

00:06:28Marc:What the fuck blend?

00:06:29Marc:Right here.

00:06:31Marc:Who deserves it?

00:06:32Marc:How do I give it away?

00:06:34Marc:Do I just throw it like it's a concert and this is my pick?

00:06:38Okay.

00:06:39Marc:Or do I do it in a specific way?

00:06:41Marc:Holy shit.

00:06:44Marc:How you doing?

00:06:45Marc:What's going on?

00:06:45Marc:What just happened?

00:06:48Marc:What did those three people just come in out of nowhere?

00:06:51Marc:Are one of you Jana that sent me the card?

00:06:54Marc:You just moved here, right, dude?

00:06:57Marc:What's your name?

00:06:58Marc:Brandon, you just moved to L.A.

00:07:00Marc:Welcome to L.A.

00:07:01Marc:Don't get fucking lost here.

00:07:02Marc:It's scary and weird.

00:07:05Marc:Are you here for show business?

00:07:07Marc:You better make a decision.

00:07:11Marc:You can't waffle on that.

00:07:12Marc:One of you gets shooed up and spit out and end up across the street at the Celebrity Center in a uniform on a bike trying to keep people from parking around there.

00:07:21Marc:You got to commit, dude.

00:07:23Marc:What's your dream?

00:07:27Marc:All right, man, we're gonna make it work out.

00:07:36Marc:We'll have you do a couple minutes.

00:07:37Marc:Not right now.

00:07:37Marc:It's a lot of pressure, and it'd fuck you up, wouldn't it?

00:07:40Marc:If I said, let's do a couple jokes, it'd be a lot of pressure.

00:07:42Marc:You don't think I would do that, though, would you?

00:07:44Marc:No, no, no, no.

00:07:46Marc:No, look, right now, you know what his heart's doing?

00:07:47Marc:About to explode.

00:07:49Marc:Like, whatever's happening, I gave him the buzz of the evening.

00:07:52Marc:Like, oh, shit.

00:07:54Marc:I had no idea.

00:07:56Marc:Your name's Brandon, right?

00:07:58Marc:But he Twittered me from the middle of the country driving out here to find out what a good green chili stew was in Albuquerque, New Mexico.

00:08:04Marc:And I told him on Twitter and he got it.

00:08:06Marc:Isn't the future amazing?

00:08:09Marc:Welcome to L.A., man.

00:08:10Marc:Enjoy that.

00:08:11Marc:I got to give Victor one.

00:08:17Marc:This guy right here works at my post office.

00:08:20Marc:And I think I have to give him one, because you know those post office guys.

00:08:24Marc:He just fucking helped me so nice.

00:08:26Marc:Like, he'll talk to me while other people are waiting, which I love.

00:08:30Marc:What's that?

00:08:31Marc:What?

00:08:36Marc:Yeah, well, I'm always worried about that, so have some coffee.

00:08:40Marc:Can I just ask you a question?

00:08:41Marc:Dude, I think you deserve a fucking mic, post office guy.

00:08:45Marc:All right, I won't do it to you, but can I just ask you two questions?

00:08:50Marc:When we're all sitting there waiting for our fucking package and you guys go back like three at a time sometimes and just leave us stranded at the counter, just tell me what's going on back there.

00:09:01Guest 3:We go play dominoes and back for about 15.

00:09:06Marc:And what is it with the Asian attraction to the post office?

00:09:14Marc:I'm not saying it's not a racial thing.

00:09:16Marc:It's just there's a lot of Asian people working.

00:09:20Marc:All right.

00:09:20Marc:I got two more, and then we're going to get the show going.

00:09:23Marc:Way in the back, let me ask you a quick question.

00:09:25Marc:What kind of grinder do you have?

00:09:32Marc:You don't have one, do you?

00:09:35Marc:Holy fuck.

00:09:36Marc:All right, guy.

00:09:38Marc:Yeah.

00:09:41Marc:I recommended a grinder?

00:09:42Marc:Yeah.

00:09:44Marc:I did, probably on Break Room, right?

00:09:47Marc:Okay.

00:09:48Marc:I'm fucking on IM the other night.

00:09:51Marc:Some guy starts asking me about sound equipment.

00:09:53Marc:How do you tape your podcast?

00:09:55Marc:So I tell him, I don't know who the fuck IMs me, but of course I answer everybody.

00:10:00Marc:And then we get done with the technical talk and he goes, so I got a French roast and I think I'm grinding it too fine.

00:10:08Marc:What should I do?

00:10:10Marc:I'm like, are you fucking serious?

00:10:12Marc:Should I do it a little coarser?

00:10:13Marc:Yeah, just fucking grind it coarser.

00:10:15Marc:I have very peculiar fans.

00:10:20Marc:All right, who's got a grinder?

00:10:22Marc:You do?

00:10:22Marc:All right, Merry Christmas.

00:10:24Marc:That's my, what?

00:10:25Marc:What?

00:10:26Marc:What, Chaz?

00:10:27Marc:What, did you bring me a present?

00:10:28Marc:This is great.

00:10:29Marc:I'm going to have to edit this whole opening.

00:10:31Marc:You brought me homemade cookies?

00:10:32Marc:Thank you so much.

00:10:33Marc:Thank you, more cookies.

00:10:35Marc:Did you read my Facebook post today?

00:10:36Marc:Enough with the cookies and crap?

00:10:38Marc:I didn't.

00:10:42Marc:You have a cookie company?

00:10:43Marc:Oh, a free plug.

00:10:44Marc:I see what you're doing, Jazz.

00:10:44Marc:You're kind of sneaking it in.

00:10:47Marc:Like, yeah, I got a free cookie.

00:10:50Marc:Oh, now why has it got to be passive-aggressive and weird?

00:10:55Marc:These are the kind of women that comedians attract.

00:11:00Marc:Hey, I love you.

00:11:01Marc:What, you don't want my love?

00:11:02Marc:Why don't you go fuck yourself?

00:11:05Marc:I'm just going to cry now and see if you love me then.

00:11:07Marc:Yes, I do.

00:11:09Marc:Let's get the show going.

00:11:11Marc:My first guest, you can applaud.

00:11:14Marc:Merry Christmas.

00:11:20Marc:My first guest you may know from Delocated on Adult Swim.

00:11:24Marc:He just shot his second season of that.

00:11:26Marc:He was in the Beer League with Artie Lang, and he also was one of the stars on Lucky Louie.

00:11:32Marc:Please welcome Jerry Miner to the stage.

00:11:34Marc:Thank you.

00:11:40Marc:Hello, Jerry.

00:11:41Marc:Hello.

00:11:42Marc:How are you?

00:11:42Marc:Fine.

00:11:44Marc:This is a weird guy thing.

00:11:45Marc:Do you want to cross swords?

00:11:48Marc:Okay.

00:11:50Marc:We just rubbed tips of microphones.

00:11:53Marc:You want a cookie?

00:11:53Marc:Now you have HPV.

00:11:55Marc:You have HPV?

00:11:55Marc:I don't have HPV.

00:11:57Marc:Is that what you gave me for Christmas?

00:11:58Marc:Who doesn't have HPV?

00:11:59Marc:Let's show hands.

00:12:00Marc:Exactly.

00:12:02Guest 10:You could have said by the time a woman is like 60 years old, she has an 80% chance to have it.

00:12:08Guest 10:It's a great opening thing.

00:12:11Marc:Thanks for bringing it up, you know what I mean?

00:12:13Marc:Because when I think, like, what are we going to start with?

00:12:15Marc:Where are we going to go?

00:12:16Marc:Most women are doomed to ovarian cancer from HPV infection by age 60.

00:12:20Marc:Merry Christmas.

00:12:21Marc:Merry Christmas.

00:12:22Marc:Hey, don't do nothing with men, so...

00:12:25Marc:Good approach.

00:12:28Guest 10:A few warts, you're fine.

00:12:30Marc:Wait till they pass and go infect the ladies.

00:12:32Marc:Is that what you're saying?

00:12:35Marc:All right, Jerry.

00:12:37Marc:Let's talk about something else.

00:12:39Marc:Hey, what about Christmas?

00:12:40Marc:Merry Christmas.

00:12:41Marc:Did you celebrate Christmas when you were a kid, Jerry?

00:12:44Guest 10:No, I did not.

00:12:47Guest 10:I grew up one of Jehovah's Witnesses.

00:12:49Guest 10:What the?

00:12:52Guest 10:Are you serious?

00:12:53Guest 10:They do not celebrate any holidays.

00:12:55Marc:I was running that today because the guy who lives across the street from me, Terry, he's a Jehovah's Witness.

00:13:00Marc:And I knew he was a Jehovah's Witness, but I didn't know how fucking nuts they were.

00:13:03Marc:So, like I did that thing where I'm like, hey, happy holidays.

00:13:07Marc:And he's like, how are you?

00:13:08Marc:And I'm like, oh, I fucked up.

00:13:10Marc:Ha ha ha!

00:13:11Marc:They don't do that.

00:13:13Marc:Now I'm some heathen across the street who doesn't really have a holiday of his own that he likes, and yet I've insulted him.

00:13:19Marc:So what do they do?

00:13:20Marc:I mean, you were brought up in this cult?

00:13:23Guest 10:Yeah, it is.

00:13:25Guest 10:It's a high-control group.

00:13:27Guest 10:Yeah, they don't celebrate any holidays.

00:13:29Guest 10:No birthdays, no Christmas.

00:13:31Guest 10:I think the only celebration that they claim to have is the memorial for Christ's death, which would basically be Good Friday to everybody.

00:13:42Marc:So the only holiday they celebrate is the day signifying the day Christ was killed.

00:13:49Marc:Yes.

00:13:50Yes.

00:13:50Marc:That's like the opposite of Christmas.

00:13:53Guest 10:I know.

00:13:53Guest 10:When I was... They went the whole other direction with it.

00:13:59Guest 10:You know, I basically think that was the idea.

00:14:01Guest 10:I think it started out with, like, how can we go the opposite of Christmas?

00:14:04Guest 10:It wasn't, like, theological at all.

00:14:06Guest 10:It was like, how can we be the opposite?

00:14:07Guest 10:Let's do the day, die.

00:14:10Guest 10:And not give gifts.

00:14:13Guest 10:Let's take things away from the kids.

00:14:16Guest 10:Basically, yeah.

00:14:18Marc:We'll celebrate the day Christ died and we'll steal the kids' bikes.

00:14:23Guest 10:You know, I was told two stories when I was growing up about birthdays, because basically you're celebrating Christ's birthday on Christmas.

00:14:32Guest 10:Now, first of all, they have a whole explanation that, and it's true, that Christmas wasn't the day that Christ was born.

00:14:38Guest 10:He was born probably around October, November.

00:14:40Guest 10:If he even existed.

00:14:44Guest 10:Well, not true.

00:14:46Guest 10:they have certain things like they're like well how could the um you know the the shepherds were out and then when they saw the star how could that be in the winter it's like it's the fucking middle east like i know that i knew that at six years old like there's no snow out in the ground dumbass who cares you take sheep out in the winter who gives a fuck but that was their big explanation like oh yeah right the winter

00:15:12Guest 10:And the other thing they would say is that the only stories in the Bible that talk about a birthday were bad stories.

00:15:21Guest 10:And it was when Joseph, the Technicolor dream coat.

00:15:26Guest 10:When they returned the coat all stabbed up and bloody?

00:15:29Guest 10:Right.

00:15:30Guest 10:Well, that story was when the guy, when he was about to get executed, that was at the Pharaoh's birthday party.

00:15:35Guest 10:Right.

00:15:36Guest 10:Okay, so they were like, so birthdays are bad.

00:15:38Guest 10:Because of that?

00:15:39Guest 10:Yeah.

00:15:40Guest 10:And the only other birthday party I talked about was when John the Baptist got his head cut off.

00:15:45Guest 10:That celebrated too?

00:15:46Guest 10:That was at Herod's birthday.

00:15:49Marc:So birthdays are bad because they found the three incidents or two incidences in the fucking Bible where it's like, well, birthdays mean you're going to get your pretty clothes all covered in fake blood and your brothers are going to be told that you're dead.

00:16:01Marc:And the other one, what was the other one?

00:16:04Marc:King Herod, yeah, birthdays are bad because your head cut off.

00:16:08Guest 10:Right.

00:16:09Guest 10:Well, that's what you tell kids.

00:16:10Guest 10:I mean, what else are you going to tell them?

00:16:11Guest 10:To scare the fuck out of them?

00:16:12Marc:No, I think that's perfect.

00:16:13Guest 10:Oh, no.

00:16:14Guest 10:I mean, I remember seeing in books pictures of the great day of Armageddon and children.

00:16:20Guest 10:It's like children in the pictures dying.

00:16:23Guest 10:Like if you're a kid and you don't, you know, whatever, if you don't repent, you're going to die too.

00:16:30Marc:I thought Catholicism was bad.

00:16:32Marc:But this is far worse than a Catholicism because it's in English.

00:16:35Marc:There's no cryptic weird wizards and strange smoking orbs being swung about.

00:16:43Guest 3:This is just in plain English.

00:16:45Marc:Birthdays are bad because you lose your fucking head.

00:16:47Marc:Christmas is bullshit.

00:16:48Marc:Let's celebrate him getting strung up.

00:16:50Marc:Yes.

00:16:51Marc:Is there a hell in this fucking fantasy?

00:16:55Guest 10:They do not believe in an eternal hellfire, no.

00:16:57Marc:So what happens if you don't get into Jehovah Land or whatever?

00:17:00Marc:You die forever.

00:17:05Guest 10:No hope of any kind of afterlife.

00:17:07Guest 10:Well, that seems reasonable.

00:17:10Guest 10:I mean... That's the one reasonable part of the religion.

00:17:13Guest 10:Well, most religions have one reasonable thing in them.

00:17:16Guest 10:I like that one.

00:17:16Guest 10:Either you go to heaven or nothing happens.

00:17:19Guest 10:Well, no, no, no.

00:17:20Guest 10:You don't go to heaven.

00:17:21Guest 10:There's only 144,000 people that get to go to heaven.

00:17:24Guest 10:So heaven's filled up?

00:17:25No.

00:17:25Guest 10:Well, that's the thing is that their theology and their predictions have been happening since 1914.

00:17:34Guest 10:It was a religion that started in the Great Awakening.

00:17:37Marc:In 1914?

00:17:37Marc:Yes.

00:17:37Marc:You've got to watch those ones that are created after 1900.

00:17:40Marc:They're always a little flaky.

00:17:42Guest 10:Exactly.

00:17:43Guest 10:So their idea is that, you know, that was the beginning of the end of times and that Armageddon is right around the corner, but you have to tell people that so you can get money and keep people coming to church.

00:17:54Guest 10:Right.

00:17:54Guest 10:It's always right around the corner.

00:17:55Guest 10:1914.

00:17:57Guest 10:What's supposed to be the end?

00:17:58Guest 10:And we're 2009 now, so it's like... You know what's amazing?

00:18:02Guest 10:People are still buying that story.

00:18:03Guest 10:Exactly.

00:18:03Marc:still buying it like a hundred years jesus christ around the corner i always wondered that's that's christ it's a definition of an amazing salesman when when you have an apocalyptic preacher who literally tells a a congregation of frightened people the world will end on january 10th in a fiery ball of snakes and horrible things and then january 11th comes he's sort of like well you know

00:18:27Marc:I guess it didn't happen this time.

00:18:28Marc:But we're going to rethink it.

00:18:31Marc:We're going to rethink what we're going to do next.

00:18:32Marc:How about the people that tell people to go underground in bunkers?

00:18:35Marc:Remember that woman?

00:18:36Marc:What did she say the day after that didn't fucking happen?

00:18:39Marc:Let's start a mushroom farm.

00:18:44Marc:God told me to start a mushroom farm.

00:18:47Marc:It's business time for the Jesus people.

00:18:50Guest 10:I always loved that, too.

00:18:51Guest 10:It was like, God is directly communicating with the heads of this organization.

00:18:56Guest 10:Oh, we didn't hear him right.

00:18:58Guest 10:Yeah, yeah.

00:19:00Guest 10:He mumbled he was eating.

00:19:01Guest 10:Yeah.

00:19:03Guest 10:The line, the cell phone line was fucked up.

00:19:06Guest 10:Bad connection.

00:19:08Guest 10:He had a cookie in his mouth.

00:19:09Guest 10:Yeah.

00:19:10Guest 10:Is it God on AT&T?

00:19:13Marc:God's map is all fucked up.

00:19:20Yeah.

00:19:20Marc:He's like my mother saying, I don't understand the iPhone.

00:19:24Marc:Well, he's really old, so yeah.

00:19:26Marc:Yeah, that happens.

00:19:27Guest 10:God's VCR is constantly blinking 12.

00:19:37Guest 9:I want to take the Ten Commandments.

00:19:38Guest 9:What the fuck?

00:19:40Guest 9:Hey, Jesus, can you help me with this?

00:19:43Guest 9:What is it now?

00:19:45Guest 9:This thing won't work!

00:19:48Guest 9:I wanted to take the basketball game and... Jesus, Dad, you're so old.

00:19:56Marc:I'm the oldest.

00:19:56Marc:I know, Dad.

00:19:59Marc:You're the oldest.

00:20:01Marc:Can I go hang out with the people now?

00:20:03Marc:They'll kill you.

00:20:08Marc:Why do you always got to fuck up my high, Dad?

00:20:11Marc:People are nice.

00:20:13Marc:They love me.

00:20:15Marc:Fuck you, Dad.

00:20:16Marc:I'm going anyway.

00:20:17Marc:Cut to Jehovah's Witnesses celebrating the death of Christ.

00:20:27Marc:Jerry Minor, folks.

00:20:28Marc:Let's bring out Paul F. Tompkins.

00:20:32Marc:Moving on down.

00:20:36Marc:Let's bring out this next performer.

00:20:37Marc:You know him from the best week ever.

00:20:39Marc:And he's also got a show at Largo tomorrow night that is almost sold out.

00:20:44Marc:So you can still probably wedge your way in.

00:20:46Marc:Paul F. Tompkins, ladies and gentlemen.

00:20:48Marc:Paul F. Tompkins.

00:20:54Marc:Is this mic working all right?

00:20:56Marc:Do you hear people on this mic?

00:20:57Guest 8:Is everything good in the booth?

00:20:58Guest 8:I'm the person talking on this mic.

00:21:00Guest 8:Thank you.

00:21:02Guest 8:They want a little more in the room, as they say.

00:21:04Guest 8:Gotta get a little more in the monitor.

00:21:06Guest 8:This guy playing a little passive aggressive over there.

00:21:08Guest 8:It could be louder.

00:21:10Marc:You should have heard what I got from Jazz with the cookies.

00:21:12Guest 8:If you don't want them.

00:21:13Guest 8:Do you think it's a message that there's like this sort of bloody chocolate stain on Santa's face?

00:21:19Guest 8:Yeah, they're made by Jehovah's Witnesses.

00:21:20Guest 8:This will be you.

00:21:21Guest 8:How have you been, man?

00:21:25Guest 8:I'm good.

00:21:28Guest 8:I'm good.

00:21:29Guest 8:We're good, right?

00:21:30Guest 8:We're good.

00:21:31Marc:We're good.

00:21:31Marc:Here, I'm on your show.

00:21:32Marc:I know.

00:21:33Marc:We're going to have fun.

00:21:34Marc:We had some problems, but that happens sometimes.

00:21:36Marc:It does happen sometimes.

00:21:37Marc:Let me do what I do with some guests on the show.

00:21:39Marc:When I first met you... Did you say some or all?

00:21:42Marc:No, not all.

00:21:43Marc:I didn't do it with Jerry.

00:21:44Marc:Because you just met Jerry now.

00:21:46Marc:No, me and Jerry have never really talked, and I always had... I liked Jerry from the beginning.

00:21:50Marc:Right, right, right.

00:21:50Marc:You, on the other hand... Right, right, right, right.

00:21:53Marc:I felt we had some sort of issue.

00:21:54Marc:It was standoffish.

00:21:56Marc:Yes.

00:21:56Marc:I found you to be mean, and I was mean.

00:21:59Marc:Sure.

00:22:00Marc:And I thought you were condescending and dressed silly.

00:22:02Marc:And now... Uh-huh.

00:22:06Marc:And I was carrying all this with me.

00:22:08Marc:What I want to say now is that I appreciate your talent and I apologize if I was in any way rude or fucked up with you.

00:22:14Marc:If you were in any way rude or fucked up.

00:22:17Marc:If that happened.

00:22:20Marc:I'm new to this whole apologizing thing.

00:22:23Marc:Hold on, hold on.

00:22:24Marc:I'm sorry that I was rude and fucked up to you when I did that.

00:22:31Guest 8:I will say for my part, I also apologize for being rude and fucked up.

00:22:41Guest 8:Fucking damn right you should.

00:22:42Guest 8:But...

00:22:43Guest 8:You started it.

00:22:47Guest 8:Okay, enough said.

00:22:48Guest 10:I think we did really well.

00:22:50Guest 10:I'm interested in how, because you guys haven't talked a lot in the last few years.

00:22:55Guest 10:I know that you didn't get along.

00:22:56Guest 10:You knew that?

00:22:57Guest 10:That was famous.

00:22:58Guest 8:It was?

00:22:59Guest 8:It was famous.

00:23:03Guest 8:That's a very small circle of fame.

00:23:05Guest 8:Oh, let me tell you something.

00:23:06Guest 8:If that was famous, people were tracking the laziest feud in history.

00:23:11Guest 8:I would have stepped it up had I known that people had a vested interest in it.

00:23:23Marc:If only there were Twitter, it could have been like, I wonder if Marc Maron is as mad at me as I am at him.

00:23:28Guest 8:Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:23:29Marc:And I just retweet that and go, fuck you, Paul.

00:23:36Guest 8:Yeah.

00:23:36Guest 8:Because I think for the most part, we weren't in the same city for the longest time.

00:23:39Guest 8:We didn't see each other that much.

00:23:41Marc:We still don't see each other that much.

00:23:42Marc:No, but when I see you now, I'm happy.

00:23:44Marc:Because you see him happy and I'm a little happier.

00:23:45Marc:Before, it was like, who the fuck is this guy?

00:23:47Marc:Why is he acting like that?

00:23:48Marc:Fuck him.

00:23:49Marc:I don't understand why people think he's funny.

00:23:51Marc:Sure.

00:23:52Marc:Sure.

00:23:55Marc:Now it's like, I get it.

00:23:57Marc:I get it.

00:23:58Marc:Sure.

00:23:59Marc:I've missed it for so long.

00:24:00Marc:Absolutely.

00:24:01Marc:It's just like clicked in my resentment.

00:24:02Marc:I know.

00:24:03Marc:Was denying me the gift of Paul F. Tompkins' humor.

00:24:07Marc:Am I going overboard now?

00:24:08Guest 8:No, no, no.

00:24:09Guest 8:I envy you because I look forward to having that same feeling with you.

00:24:13Guest 8:Um...

00:24:16Guest 8:But you have given me hope.

00:24:17Guest 8:You have given me hope that it is a thing that happens.

00:24:21Guest 8:Paul F. Tompkins, ladies and gentlemen.

00:24:23Marc:No kidding.

00:24:27Marc:Spectacular.

00:24:28Marc:That was great.

00:24:29Marc:I almost cried when I was laughing.

00:24:31Marc:I love that.

00:24:31Marc:It was close.

00:24:32Marc:It was very close.

00:24:33Marc:So you're back here, man?

00:24:35Marc:I'm back in Los Angeles, yes.

00:24:36Marc:See, we lived in New York at the same time for a year.

00:24:38Marc:We saw each other once.

00:24:39Marc:Are you happy to be back?

00:24:40Marc:How's that?

00:24:40Marc:I'm very happy to be back.

00:24:42Marc:What happened?

00:24:42Guest 8:I didn't enjoy New York.

00:24:43Guest 8:Really?

00:24:43Guest 8:I did not enjoy living there, no.

00:24:45Guest 8:I think it's for young people who don't know when a city is trying to crush them.

00:24:54LAUGHTER

00:24:54Guest 8:And I sort of get the pride people have in living in New York, because if you didn't have pride in living there, you'd be a terrible fool.

00:25:03Guest 8:Like, why else would you live there?

00:25:05Guest 8:You know what I mean?

00:25:08Guest 8:It's like, yeah, the city's trying to fucking kill me, but I'm still here.

00:25:14Guest 8:You have to say it with pride, because if you say it like this, the city's trying to kill me, and I'm still here.

00:25:19Guest 8:Like, you would... It's the same idea, but you look dumb.

00:25:22Guest 8:Yeah.

00:25:23Marc:You know...

00:25:24Marc:you see people slowly get crud yeah it's but but new yorkers have that weird i've never been in a more polite helpful city like they're like people will if someone goes down people are around they're helping people out but it's just because it up the rhythm of things it's not because they care so much that like you know if there's a trouble they they want to get it solved so they can get on their way kind of deal absolutely and also people are like they you have this amazing sort of invisible boundary that's like like steel

00:25:51Marc:Like when you ride a train, you know this one thing that started to really fuck me up.

00:25:54Marc:You know that every morning you're going to be this close to a fucking stranger like this, like this.

00:25:59Marc:And you're going to smell his hair.

00:26:00Marc:You're going to see his pimples.

00:26:01Marc:You're going to hear him talking to himself.

00:26:02Marc:You can hear the fucking music he's listening to.

00:26:05Marc:And you have to be good with that.

00:26:06Marc:You have to be like, I'm OK with this.

00:26:07Marc:I was not OK with that.

00:26:09Guest 8:That was the problem is that I could not I could not let go of things like like saying excuse me.

00:26:14Guest 8:I could not let go of saying it or of hearing it.

00:26:17Guest 8:So when I would be coming up out of the subway and people are just slamming into you, I got body checked by an old woman who was as tall as this table, right?

00:26:33Yeah.

00:26:33Guest 8:And she was in a hurry and she was going down the street.

00:26:36Guest 8:She fucking slams right into me and keeps walking.

00:26:39Guest 8:And I'm still, like after almost a full year, would still do something like this.

00:26:44Guest 8:Excuse me.

00:26:48Guest 8:I could not let go of it.

00:26:50Guest 8:I could not let go of it because I realized, like, oh, no, no, no, no.

00:26:53Guest 8:That's a part of humanity you have to get rid of.

00:26:56Guest 8:And I felt like I wasn't ready to sacrifice that.

00:26:59Marc:You're part of an organism.

00:27:00Guest 8:You're part of a large body of cells.

00:27:02Marc:A faulty one.

00:27:03Marc:A faulty one, though.

00:27:04Marc:Like one that, like... The idea of you saying that with your bow tie on and the whole get up is spectacular.

00:27:10Marc:Oh, yeah.

00:27:11Marc:Oh, no.

00:27:11Marc:Excuse me.

00:27:11Guest 8:That was not lost on me.

00:27:13Guest 8:I might as well have had a monocle.

00:27:16Guest 8:Yeah, of course.

00:27:17Guest 8:I beg your pardon?

00:27:23Marc:Yeah.

00:27:24Marc:Here's a moment I realized I had to leave New York was I was on a train sitting with other people and there was a guy sleeping on a train, but he had taken his shoes off.

00:27:33Marc:He was wearing no shirt.

00:27:34Marc:Oh, so he was in for the night.

00:27:36Marc:He was in for the night and it was morning.

00:27:38Marc:It was morning.

00:27:38Marc:Oh, sure.

00:27:39Marc:And everybody on the train is just minding their own business.

00:27:42Marc:And this was the thought that I had.

00:27:44Marc:Isn't everybody wonderfully tolerant?

00:27:46Marc:Not like that is fucked up.

00:27:48Marc:There's a guy sweeping on the train.

00:27:50Marc:What kind of city do we live in?

00:27:52Marc:I was like, this is cool.

00:27:53Marc:This is New Yorkers.

00:27:54Marc:Just be a New Yorkers hanging out with the guy sweeping on the train.

00:27:57Marc:I had lost my empathy.

00:28:00Marc:I was completely and I was and then the following day I got on the train and I fucking hated everybody.

00:28:06Guest 8:Well, I mean, it is that moment, and it can happen anywhere, where you are, you know, like you're standing outside in line for a movie, and then later you're saying to someone, ugh, then this homeless guy came up to us.

00:28:19Guest 8:You know, he's bugging us in line for the movie.

00:28:21Guest 8:Well, you're kind of burying the lead there.

00:28:22Guest 8:The lead is, oh, this person didn't have a home.

00:28:27Guest 8:And was begging for food.

00:28:29Guest 8:Like, that's the real part of the story, not that you were inconvenienced in line to see 2012.

00:28:36Marc:You get very jaded.

00:28:38Marc:That's absolutely right.

00:28:39Guest 10:Can I say something about you?

00:28:40Guest 8:Oh, hi, Jerry.

00:28:43Guest 10:I just want to say I was there about a month ago for a couple months working.

00:28:47Guest 10:And you lived there for quite a while.

00:28:48Guest 10:I did.

00:28:49Guest 10:I lived there for a couple years.

00:28:50Guest 10:And I was done with New York on this last trip.

00:28:53Guest 10:I want to say that the phenomenon of girls walking down the street holding hands, if you're not eating each other's pussies, you are blocking the fucking sidewalk.

00:29:05Right?

00:29:08Guest 8:That's all I gotta say.

00:29:11Guest 8:You just put it out there to women.

00:29:13Guest 8:It's a serious message.

00:29:14Guest 10:I wanted to scream it many times as I was walking down the street.

00:29:19Guest 9:You're not eating each other's pussies!

00:29:21Marc:Move!

00:29:23Marc:You were that guy?

00:29:24Marc:I wanted to be.

00:29:25Marc:I walked by you twice.

00:29:27Marc:Now, do they have to be... There's the crazy man screaming at women holding their hands about pussy eating.

00:29:32Guest 8:No, it's the girls coming out of the bar like... No, no, no.

00:29:34Guest 8:No, I get that part of it.

00:29:35Guest 10:Oh, okay.

00:29:36Guest 8:Do they have to be doing it at the same time, or can the one just be doing it to the other...

00:29:42Guest 8:Same time.

00:29:43Guest 8:Same time.

00:29:43Guest 10:Same time or nothing.

00:29:44Guest 10:69 or whatever they do.

00:29:45Guest 8:Right.

00:29:46Guest 10:Do they need... Or whatever they... Or scissor.

00:29:49Guest 10:Scissor fucking too.

00:29:50Marc:They can do that too.

00:29:51Marc:How would you know if they were?

00:29:52Marc:Do they need to be wearing some sort of shirt?

00:29:54Marc:You know they're not gay.

00:29:55Guest 10:They're just girls like... We're going to hold hands.

00:29:58Guest 8:I really don't know.

00:29:59Guest 8:Oh, I thought you meant they literally had to be doing it on the street.

00:30:02Guest 8:Oh...

00:30:04Guest 8:I don't know anymore.

00:30:05Guest 8:I've never thought about that, yeah.

00:30:07Marc:It's become clear to me that eating pussy has nothing to do with being gay anymore.

00:30:11Marc:It's just something that happens occasionally, apparently.

00:30:15Guest 3:Am I wrong?

00:30:16Guest 3:It's like red wine.

00:30:17Marc:It's good to do it, like, once a day.

00:30:19Guest 3:Yeah, we did that a few times.

00:30:20Marc:It was okay, but, you know, it's not really my thing.

00:30:24Marc:If guys did that, like, if guys talked about that around girls, yeah, me and Paul sucked each other's cock a couple times, but it was just because we were drunk, but it's not really a thing to be like, what the fuck?

00:30:33Marc:Buffer's...

00:30:34Marc:For some reason, two chicks do it.

00:30:36Marc:It's cute.

00:30:37Marc:Two guys do it.

00:30:38Marc:You're gay forever.

00:30:39Marc:Right.

00:30:40Marc:Exactly.

00:30:42Marc:Forever.

00:30:43Marc:Forever.

00:30:44Marc:In the mind of the zeitgeist.

00:30:47Marc:Unless you take my course.

00:30:48Marc:Let's do something.

00:30:49Marc:I'm here to help people.

00:30:53Marc:I'm going to rearrange the show.

00:30:54Marc:Eddie, you're in the batter's box.

00:30:56Marc:Oh.

00:30:57Marc:Because I'm concerned about your future.

00:30:59Marc:Pepitone, are you ready if I want you now?

00:31:01Yes.

00:31:02Marc:I know, but she can come out after you.

00:31:03Marc:I just don't want you to sit there like festering backstage in an Eddie Pepitone-like way.

00:31:09Marc:I want you to do it out here in front of people, not behind inside yourself giving yourself cancer.

00:31:15Marc:So let's Eddie Pepitone, ladies and gentlemen, the wonderful Eddie Pepitone.

00:31:19Marc:No, he's going to stand up.

00:31:20Marc:He's going to...

00:31:21Marc:Eddie needs his space.

00:31:24Marc:You want to come around here?

00:31:25Marc:Come around here and talk to me, buddy.

00:31:27Guest 7:Oh, man.

00:31:29Guest 7:You know, first of all, I'm hearing people trash New York out here.

00:31:32Guest 7:That was them.

00:31:34Guest 7:And I got to tell you.

00:31:35Guest 7:It was them.

00:31:36Guest 7:No, I know.

00:31:37Guest 7:I know.

00:31:38Guest 7:And I just don't like it.

00:31:41Guest 7:I don't like it because New York is my home.

00:31:46Guest 7:And it's where I was cut like a diamond.

00:31:50Guest 7:I...

00:31:51Guest 7:No, I mean... I was cut by all the people and the pain and the slashing and the subways.

00:32:06Guest 7:I used to get on the subways in fear because when I used to get on the subways, and still to this day when I get on the subways, I never know, and this is the great thing about the subway, you don't know if you're going to get murdered.

00:32:18Guest 7:because there's nowhere to go.

00:32:20Guest 7:And if you have claustrophobia, which I developed later in life, I developed claustrophobia.

00:32:28Guest 7:I do not know why.

00:32:30Guest 7:I used to be able to run like Seabiscuit or feel like Seabiscuit in an elevator, but there was a point, and I don't know if you,

00:32:39Guest 7:ever felt this but i would get on an elevator and i would panic i was gripped by panic and that's what new york did to me it made me a fearful fearful person and people who trash new york don't respect fear you know what i mean oh let's go to l a

00:33:01Guest 7:Oh, there's no... By the way, this is a very fearful... You know where L.A.

00:33:05Guest 7:rivals New York?

00:33:06Guest 7:It rivals it on the goddamn highways.

00:33:09Guest 7:Yes?

00:33:10Guest 7:No.

00:33:11Guest 7:Yes, New York is fucked up.

00:33:12Guest 7:You've got to take a subway with three billion people, their armpits and all that.

00:33:17Guest 7:But how about getting on the 405 any time of the day?

00:33:22Guest 7:and you're Googling and map questioning, you can't avoid it this time.

00:33:26Guest 7:You have to go down the 405 because you don't want to snake into LA's seamy underbelly by the airport, all those fucking neighborhoods.

00:33:37Guest 7:What is Florence?

00:33:40Guest 7:What is Manchester?

00:33:42Guest 7:Nobody fucking knows, especially in this area where they just run back and forth between birds and La Pu Belle.

00:33:51Guest 7:right they just run back that's all everybody and that's another thing new york has so much character la has like little streets of character like when i first got here it was like oh you gotta check out franklin between bronson and tamarin what a stretch oh there's like three stars it's got such a city vibe

00:34:16Guest 7:It was so pathetic.

00:34:18Guest 7:I saw William Macy eating pizza right next door.

00:34:22Guest 7:That little pizzeria, the place no one remembers.

00:34:25Guest 7:What's the name of it?

00:34:26Guest 7:It's Good Pizza.

00:34:27Guest 7:What?

00:34:27Guest 7:Pritzies.

00:34:28Guest 7:Pritzies!

00:34:30Guest 7:I saw William Macy!

00:34:32Guest 7:William Macy eating pizza there with this fucking kid.

00:34:36Guest 7:It was disgustingly sad because there was no foot traffic.

00:34:42Guest 7:It was just Bill Macy, star of stage.

00:34:45Guest 7:You see celebrities out here and you just want to go get to a city.

00:34:50Marc:Get to a real city.

00:34:51Marc:Craig Ferguson was eating there tonight.

00:34:53Marc:I saw him.

00:34:54Guest 7:How fucked up is that?

00:34:56Guest 7:how fucked up is that and by the way i don't approve of ferguson because no i'll tell you why i'll tell you why where's he from scotland where's he from who gives a let's say it's scotland it's all the same let's say it's scotland you don't see a guy from brooklyn going hello welcome to late night in scotland why do we have a guy going oh hello welcome to sapiens

00:35:22Guest 7:I don't want to turn that.

00:35:24Guest 7:I'm not xenophobic, whatever that means.

00:35:28Guest 7:No, no, no.

00:35:30Guest 7:No, I have trouble with language because I'm a man of the heart.

00:35:34Guest 7:I fucking... And that's because I live in fear created by New York.

00:35:40Guest 7:I live in fear created by living in a city that had much too many violent people.

00:35:47Guest 7:And I am... Yes, what?

00:35:49Guest 7:It's Christmas.

00:35:51Guest 7:It's Christmas.

00:35:53Guest 7:It's Christmas.

00:35:55Guest 7:My Christmas memory, I'll tell you my biggest Christmas memory.

00:36:01Guest 7:My mother was manic depressive, so her moping, let's just call it moping.

00:36:06Guest 7:She used to mope.

00:36:07Guest 7:That's a nice way of putting it.

00:36:10Guest 7:She was hospitalized constantly.

00:36:12Guest 7:Thank God she's dead.

00:36:14Guest 7:So anyway, my mother, and I know that's not right, Eddie.

00:36:18Guest 7:That's your mother.

00:36:19Guest 7:Come on.

00:36:21Guest 7:Come on.

00:36:22Guest 7:Come on.

00:36:23Guest 7:Our families are nothing but albatrosses.

00:36:28Guest 7:Nothing but albatrosses.

00:36:30Guest 7:Living with the same people for more than four years is horrible stuff.

00:36:36Guest 7:Horrible stuff.

00:36:37Guest 7:Familiarity breeds contempt.

00:36:39Guest 7:You know all those sayings.

00:36:40Guest 7:Read Robinson Crusoe or whatever books you can get on Kindle.

00:36:47Guest 7:And I don't even know what Kindle is.

00:36:48Guest 7:Do you?

00:36:49Guest 7:I have no idea.

00:36:50Guest 7:I hope I get coffee out of this.

00:36:51Guest 7:I like the what the fuck coffee.

00:36:53Guest 7:But let me tell you something.

00:36:54Guest 7:My earliest memories of Christmas, my mother moping around, wanting to kill herself with the electronic shit that was always on the Christmas tree, wanting to put the lights in her mouth or whatever.

00:37:04Guest 7:And I got drunk on Haagen-Dazs liqueur.

00:37:08Guest 7:How bad is that?

00:37:10Guest 7:I was in a numb, numb, numb state.

00:37:14Marc:Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell.

00:37:18Guest 7:With my mother wandering from room to room, wandering from room to room going, son, son, when I'm in the hospital, when you call me, it's like a little visit.

00:37:33Guest 7:And that's my earliest Christmas.

00:37:36Guest 7:She used to say that to me all the time.

00:37:38Guest 7:Hey, Eddie, you want a cookie?

00:37:40Guest 7:I'm all for sugar and flour, and I'm gonna... And this is what I'm gonna talk about now, is the whole life process.

00:37:49Guest 7:The whole life process.

00:37:52Guest 7:We all disintegrate and die.

00:37:54Guest 7:We're all disintegrating now.

00:37:56Guest 7:Yes, we're sharing a couple of laughs, but I am trying to look good lately because I want praise.

00:38:04Guest 7:I love, I love when I walk in a room

00:38:11Guest 7:Take it.

00:38:13Guest 7:How's it feel?

00:38:13Guest 7:I love when I walk in a room and people go, you look great.

00:38:18Guest 7:And I go, that's because I'm denying myself pleasure constantly.

00:38:24Guest 7:And it's such a hard thing.

00:38:26Guest 7:I used to smoke pot all the time.

00:38:28Guest 7:And that's great because if a bad news item comes on, which there's nothing but, you're just, instead of getting horrified by a bad news item with pot, you're just like, no, no.

00:38:37Guest 7:It doesn't matter what the news story is.

00:38:47Guest 7:I always dance to low rider in my head if I am stoned.

00:38:52Guest 7:But now, since I want to cut out sugar and flour and be sober...

00:38:57Guest 7:Oh, I'm sober.

00:39:00Guest 7:I am completely sober because I want to be completely present for the horror that is 2009 America, right?

00:39:09Guest 7:What the fuck?

00:39:09Guest 7:I have all my friends now watching a show called Jersey fucking Shore.

00:39:14Guest 7:What is this?

00:39:16Guest 7:You shouldn't hate New York.

00:39:17Guest 7:You should hate Jersey.

00:39:19Guest 7:That's what you should hate.

00:39:22Guest 7:That fucking shit.

00:39:24Guest 7:But anyway, I'm denying myself pleasure.

00:39:26Guest 7:I don't fucking eat flour.

00:39:27Guest 7:I don't have sugar.

00:39:29Guest 7:I walk around.

00:39:30Guest 7:I don't drink.

00:39:30Guest 7:I don't smoke.

00:39:31Guest 7:I just walk around going, um, um, um.

00:39:39Guest 7:And it's hard.

00:39:42Marc:That's the angry-ome.

00:39:44Guest 7:It's the angry-ome.

00:39:46Guest 7:Yeah.

00:39:46Guest 7:I think it's supposed to be like... Oh, that's maybe where I'm missing it.

00:39:55Marc:Merry Christmas to you.

00:39:56Marc:You feel good?

00:40:00Guest 7:Eddie Pepperton.

00:40:00Guest 7:Thanks, everybody.

00:40:02Guest 7:Thanks for getting me out early.

00:40:04Guest 7:That was great.

00:40:05Guest 3:Let me thank you to the other show.

00:40:10Marc:In about two hours, Eddie will email me saying, was it okay?

00:40:13Marc:Was it okay?

00:40:15Marc:Was it okay?

00:40:17Marc:But no, but he was great.

00:40:18Marc:He's always great.

00:40:18Marc:Eddie Pepitone's always great.

00:40:20Marc:Sarah, are you there?

00:40:21Marc:Are you bringing your guitar out first?

00:40:24Marc:I know.

00:40:24Marc:Okay, you ruined the surprise.

00:40:27Marc:Now it's all me.

00:40:29Marc:Ladies and gentlemen, Sarah Silverman!

00:40:39Guest 2:I stand here, then.

00:40:40Guest 2:I'm in front of you guys.

00:40:41Marc:That's okay.

00:40:42Marc:We can enjoy from behind.

00:40:43Marc:Not really.

00:40:46Guest 2:Unless you're way into, hey, nice.

00:40:50Guest 8:That was you, Jerry?

00:40:51Guest 8:Yeah.

00:40:52Guest 8:Yes, it was Jerry.

00:40:54Guest 8:I don't want to be blamed for that.

00:40:56Guest 2:Thank you, that makes me feel so nice.

00:40:57Guest 2:I'm seriously so embarrassed of my... Your butt?

00:41:01Guest 2:Yeah, it's like, I don't have a, you know... Do you want me to move it over here?

00:41:04Guest 2:What my mother would call an apple tushy.

00:41:06Marc:Do you want me to put it over here?

00:41:07Marc:Would that make you feel... Do you want me to move it?

00:41:10Guest 2:Yeah, would I... Do you mind?

00:41:11Marc:Let's try it again.

00:41:12Marc:Ladies and gentlemen, Sarah Silverman.

00:41:14Woo!

00:41:16Guest 2:You know, we all have insecurities, and it's maybe something to embrace after a while, you know?

00:41:24Guest 2:Something that doesn't make us different, it makes us the same.

00:41:29Guest 2:Whether it's a chip on our shoulder, or not feeling like we're enough, or bragging.

00:41:34Guest 2:I was backstage here.

00:41:36Guest 2:Sometimes people brag, and it's like sad.

00:41:39Guest 2:It's like I was walking out of the bathroom, and another comic was walking in, and we were like, hey, hey, and he goes...

00:41:46Guest 2:hey, are you okay?

00:41:47Guest 2:The last time I saw you, you seemed kind of bummed out.

00:41:50Guest 2:And I was like, oh, my God, thank you so much.

00:41:52Guest 2:No, I'm fine.

00:41:56Guest 2:You know, life isn't all rainbows and lollipops.

00:41:58Guest 2:And he said, you know what?

00:42:01Guest 2:And I said, what?

00:42:03Guest 2:And he said, mine is.

00:42:13LAUGHTER

00:42:13Guest 2:I'll tell you why New York is good.

00:42:15Guest 2:Insecurity-wise, it made me humble right away, like day one, because I was walking down the street, and some guys whistled at me, and I turned around, and I was like, and they go, not you.

00:42:27Guest 2:So I learned to appreciate, and, um...

00:42:38Guest 2:Some people, like, really, their insecurity saves them because it's like their way that they're surviving that they don't really see themselves.

00:42:50Guest 2:Like, they're not really seeing... Like, you get the feeling that if they were, like, a degree or two more onto themselves, they'd kill themselves.

00:42:58Guest 2:You know what I mean?

00:43:01Guest 5:Like...

00:43:02Guest 2:Say a woman, like, when she was 19 was, like, smoking hot, just crazy.

00:43:07Guest 2:Now she's a little older.

00:43:09Guest 2:Say she's a little older, like she's 39.

00:43:12Guest 2:Not quite as hot.

00:43:15Guest 2:She's not as hot.

00:43:17Guest 2:But she doesn't realize that because she's just, she's always just, she looks out, you know.

00:43:24Guest 2:Okay, so she'd be like, um...

00:43:28Guest 2:This is how she would protect herself, would be like, oh my God, it's so weird, because when I was 19, when I was like 19, there were so many official pussy inspectors.

00:43:42Guest 2:You never see them anymore.

00:43:44Guest 2:You never see them.

00:43:49Guest 2:Fucking computers.

00:43:51Guest 2:Computers took over.

00:43:52Guest 2:We spent so much time thinking if we could, we don't think if we... Oh, here it goes.

00:44:06Guest 5:If you call yourself a diva...

00:44:10Guest 5:You better be a singer.

00:44:13Guest 5:Fuck you.

00:44:14Guest 5:Let's start over.

00:44:15Guest 4:I'm not a good guitarist.

00:44:19Guest 4:If you call yourself a diva, you better be a singer.

00:44:26Guest 5:Why?

00:44:26Guest 5:You better be a singer and not somebody cutting me in line.

00:44:39Guest 3:If you call yourself a diva, you better sing a solo.

00:44:53Guest 2:and not be someone treating me unkind.

00:44:59Guest 2:Oh, I know what I did wrong.

00:45:01Guest 2:If you call yourself a diva, it better be for reals and not some sad, pathetic kind of front.

00:45:14Guest 5:If you're selfish and you're thoughtless and you're broken and you're heartless,

00:45:23Guest 5:You're probably not a diva, you're a cunt.

00:45:30Guest 1:Cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt.

00:45:47Guest 1:Cunt!

00:45:48Guest 1:Cunt!

00:45:49Guest 1:Cunt!

00:45:50Guest 1:Cunt!

00:45:53Guest 1:Cunt!

00:45:55Guest 1:Cunt!

00:45:56Guest 1:Cunt!

00:45:57Guest 1:Cunt!

00:45:59Cunt!

00:46:02Guest 1:Cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt.

00:46:07Guest 1:Come on, everybody.

00:46:10Guest 1:Cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt.

00:46:24Guest 3:Is that from, like, A Good Time?

00:46:25Guest 3:That'd be great.

00:46:32Marc:Sarah Silverman, is that called the cunt song?

00:46:35Marc:Everyone wants to say that word.

00:46:37Marc:They just rarely have opportunity without making someone cry.

00:46:40Guest 8:That is an insane theory all the way around.

00:46:46Guest 8:Everybody wants to say that word.

00:46:48Guest 8:They just never have the opportunity.

00:46:50Guest 2:I never get around to it.

00:46:52Guest 8:Yeah.

00:46:53Marc:Who has the time?

00:46:54Marc:Well, if we were in England... Sure.

00:46:56Marc:If we were in England, I could say, Paul, you fucking cunt.

00:46:58Marc:Why'd you do that?

00:46:59Marc:That's right.

00:47:00Marc:And I could be the prime minister, and it's fine.

00:47:01Marc:Yeah, and it's hilarious.

00:47:02Marc:Yeah.

00:47:03Marc:How's your Hanukkah?

00:47:04Guest 2:I don't know.

00:47:05Guest 2:I think it's over.

00:47:06Marc:No, tonight's the last night.

00:47:08Guest 2:I've been informed.

00:47:10Guest 2:Oh, good, then.

00:47:11Guest 2:My nose is raw.

00:47:13Marc:Have you been sick?

00:47:14Guest 2:A little bit.

00:47:16Guest 2:I'm sorry.

00:47:16Guest 2:I feel totally better.

00:47:17Guest 2:I didn't hug you guys.

00:47:18Marc:What did you have?

00:47:19Marc:Did you have the pig flu or just a regular thing?

00:47:21Guest 2:No.

00:47:22Guest 2:It was a real simple, like, Tuesday, woke up sick as a dog.

00:47:25Guest 2:Didn't leave my bed.

00:47:26Guest 2:Didn't.

00:47:27Guest 2:I was supposed to come here.

00:47:28Guest 2:I didn't.

00:47:29Guest 2:I don't think anybody.

00:47:30Guest 2:It was no big deal.

00:47:31Guest 2:I needed to sleep.

00:47:32Guest 2:I didn't need to come here and make 10 more people sick.

00:47:35Guest 2:I slept.

00:47:36Guest 2:I slept for 17 hours.

00:47:38Guest 2:Srenched.

00:47:39Guest 2:Only got up to put on dry clothes and a towel down my sweat-filled.

00:47:44Guest 3:Yeah.

00:47:49Guest 2:You know, I sweated out and then now it's just like in my nose a little.

00:47:53Guest 2:I'm a little extra nasal.

00:47:55Marc:Okay, so you had like a flu buggy thing, like a fever thing.

00:47:58Guest 2:Wouldn't it be weird if I got sick and the result was I wasn't nasal?

00:48:03Guest 2:oh my god i've never been so clear in my life i spoke like this i spoke like this all the time did you do anything for hanukkah did you like things or no i don't have i have no religion or or or family or people i don't i don't either i only feel jewish because of the people who aren't jewish that are around

00:48:32Guest 2:And it bothers me when the whole thing about Jews, when Christmas time comes around, they go, is that we killed Jesus.

00:48:41Guest 2:Just whatever.

00:48:42Guest 2:It's not like we killed the baby Jesus.

00:48:44Guest 2:It wasn't baby Jesus.

00:48:46Guest 2:It was a grown man.

00:48:47Marc:Jerry's people celebrate the whole Jesus killing thing.

00:48:50Marc:Try to.

00:48:51Guest 2:Really?

00:48:52Marc:They tried to kill him.

00:48:56Marc:No, we didn't.

00:48:57Marc:What I've always said is maybe we're involved, it's unclear, but you should fucking quit complaining because you should thank the Jews for killing Jesus.

00:49:03Marc:First of all, if we didn't kill Jesus... There's no story.

00:49:07Guest 2:One, there's no story.

00:49:08Guest 2:Two, he'd end up being on his third marriage, on Adam Carolla's podcast, or on doing the Hollywood Squares.

00:49:19Guest 2:It's like if Anne Frank lived, it would be a nightmare.

00:49:22Guest 2:She'd be loud and opinionated, and she'd be on every game show, and she'd be the wacky cameo in movies and TV for a stretch.

00:49:34Marc:And people would be actually saying, like, not fucking Anne Frank again.

00:49:37Marc:How much of her bullshit do we have to put up with?

00:49:40Marc:I get it.

00:49:41Marc:She lived.

00:49:45Marc:Oh, Christ.

00:49:45Marc:Jesus is on TV again.

00:49:47Marc:When is that guy going to show this fucking pie hall?

00:49:50Guest 3:That's how I feel about Maya Angelou.

00:49:59Guest 10:Another poem?

00:50:00Guest 10:I didn't know for her shit.

00:50:02Guest 10:Bullshit.

00:50:03Guest 2:Why-a, Angelo?

00:50:05Guest 2:More like it.

00:50:07Guest 2:I'd high-five you.

00:50:08Guest 2:I don't want to get you sick.

00:50:10Guest 8:I don't even know if you'd touch me.

00:50:12Guest 2:I'm not sick anymore.

00:50:13Guest 2:I mean, I'm not carrying.

00:50:15Guest 2:I'm a carrier.

00:50:19Marc:Is there anything that stops sickness?

00:50:21Marc:Do you guys know of anything that actually works to stop sickness?

00:50:23Marc:Death.

00:50:24Death.

00:50:26Marc:I was thinking more in terms of something ridiculous like oregano oil.

00:50:31Guest 2:Oregano oil, olive leaf.

00:50:33Guest 2:Oregano oil and olive leaf.

00:50:35Marc:Did you do that?

00:50:36Guest 2:Yes.

00:50:36Marc:So it doesn't fucking work.

00:50:39Guest 2:Nothing works.

00:50:41Guest 8:Nobody would ever be sick if something worked.

00:50:43Guest 2:Purell, wash your hands all the time.

00:50:45Guest 2:Put hot salt water, gargle it, take a Q-tip.

00:50:50Marc:Hate the game, not the player.

00:50:52Guest 2:Put it in your nostrils.

00:50:54Marc:I got the sinus squisher thing.

00:50:57Marc:Everyone keeps telling me to get a neti pot, which I'm not going to do.

00:51:01Marc:What?

00:51:02Marc:Absolutely everybody, my God.

00:51:04Marc:Dana wants me to get a neti pot.

00:51:07Marc:I talked to her about it the other day.

00:51:09Marc:But I got the squeeze bottle.

00:51:10Marc:You did that?

00:51:12Marc:I did it hours ago.

00:51:13Marc:You fill it up with lukewarm water and salt solution and you hold one nostril and you go and then you pull it up and then it comes out the other one.

00:51:19Marc:And it's like a trick.

00:51:21Marc:You're almost like doing magic for yourself.

00:51:23Marc:You're like, I never knew I could do this.

00:51:25Marc:And it's coming out this one, and you're coughing it up at the same time.

00:51:28Marc:It's such a racket because they've got us convinced that, no, this is good.

00:51:33Marc:We're drowning ourselves in front of a mirror.

00:51:38Marc:It's going to work.

00:51:40Marc:Well, I'm sorry you're sick, Sarah.

00:51:42Marc:Thank you.

00:51:42Marc:Are you traveling at all this time of year?

00:51:44Guest 2:I'm going to New York City tomorrow morning if the flight doesn't get canceled.

00:51:48Marc:Why would it get canceled?

00:51:49Marc:Oh, it's going to snow like fuck there?

00:51:52Guest 8:Netty pot!

00:51:53Guest 8:Blizzard!

00:51:54Guest 8:There's going to be a bunch of netty pots on the tarmac.

00:51:59Guest 8:That's...

00:52:04Marc:People slide down the slide just to dump water in their nose.

00:52:08Guest 8:Yeah.

00:52:09Marc:They're going to drop from the overhead.

00:52:14Marc:We're dying.

00:52:14Marc:Let's make sure our sinuses are clean.

00:52:17Marc:What are you going to do in New York?

00:52:19Marc:Hangout?

00:52:19Guest 2:Yeah, just be there.

00:52:21Marc:I met you in New York, I think.

00:52:23Guest 2:Is that true?

00:52:23Guest 2:Yes.

00:52:24Marc:And you were like seven.

00:52:25Guest 2:I was probably 19 or 20.

00:52:28Marc:Yeah.

00:52:29Guest 2:The Boston Cavity Club.

00:52:31Marc:Yes.

00:52:32Marc:And you were at NYU and you lived with a girl that was obsessed with Princess Leia.

00:52:35Guest 2:And you had sex with her.

00:52:36Marc:Did I?

00:52:36Marc:Yeah.

00:52:39Marc:Did we ever get that far?

00:52:40Guest 2:I had this way that I would have my roommate have sex with comics, and it was so easy.

00:52:49Guest 2:I would go, let's take you for example, I'd go, Mark Maron's a genius.

00:52:56Guest 2:He's a genius.

00:52:58Guest 2:And I would put a bug in her head, and then she would sleep with Mark Maron within 48 hours.

00:53:05Guest 2:And I got so many comics laid that way.

00:53:08Guest 2:Sometimes I'd fall for it.

00:53:10Guest 2:Sometimes I'd fall for it myself.

00:53:13Guest 2:Just by saying it, I believed it.

00:53:14Guest 2:I thought it.

00:53:16Marc:I can't quite remember having sex with her.

00:53:19Marc:What?

00:53:20Marc:I'm 46 years old.

00:53:21Guest 2:Maybe you just made out.

00:53:22Guest 2:Maybe you just made out.

00:53:24Marc:I think we just made out.

00:53:25Guest 2:She said you were too mouthy.

00:53:28Guest 2:Too much mouth.

00:53:31Guest 2:I know.

00:53:31Guest 2:How can you say too much mouth for a kiss?

00:53:33Guest 2:I know.

00:53:33Guest 2:What are you supposed to do with that?

00:53:34Guest 2:All it is is mouth.

00:53:35Guest 2:Yeah.

00:53:36Guest 2:I disagree with her completely.

00:53:38Guest 2:I have never kissed you, but I would say... How can you do tongue without mouth?

00:53:41Marc:You can't say too much mouth.

00:53:42Marc:Yeah, because then you'd just be like... Oh, maybe that's what it was, too much.

00:53:45Guest 2:No.

00:53:45Marc:You do a lot of like... Wait a minute.

00:53:47Marc:Wait.

00:53:48Marc:Wait.

00:53:48Marc:Back up.

00:53:50Marc:I'm an okay kisser.

00:53:51Marc:I'm a good kisser.

00:53:52Marc:I'm not going to be criticized.

00:53:54Guest 2:By all other accounts.

00:53:55Marc:Okay, thank you.

00:53:56Marc:I felt attacked and cornered for a second.

00:53:59Guest 2:I'm sorry.

00:53:59Guest 2:Maybe it wasn't you.

00:54:00Guest 2:It might have been Rick Shapiro.

00:54:02Guest 2:Oh, no.

00:54:04Marc:Oh, no.

00:54:05Marc:I'm glad I didn't kiss her.

00:54:06Marc:That's a little too much mouth.

00:54:08Marc:That's a little too much fucking everything.

00:54:10Guest 2:I think it was you.

00:54:11Guest 2:Too much crazy mouth.

00:54:12Guest 2:It's all such a mush.

00:54:16Marc:Do you want to take off?

00:54:18Guest 8:I do.

00:54:18Guest 8:I hate to leave the party early.

00:54:20Marc:So let's let Paul go.

00:54:23Guest 8:We'll all bid me a fond farewell like the end of Lord of the Rings.

00:54:27Guest 8:Paul F. Tompkins, ladies and gentlemen.

00:54:32Marc:You bet.

00:54:33Marc:Thank you, Paul.

00:54:36Marc:You know, it feels like the energy is sort of like pensive and attentive.

00:54:41Marc:And I think it's important that because we are doing a live taping of what the fuck the podcast said, I want to read a couple emails from listeners, one of which I think is appropriate for Christmas and touching.

00:54:51Marc:So prepare yourself.

00:54:52Marc:It's not a downer.

00:54:54Marc:It's uplifting.

00:54:54Marc:What I want to do is show you the two types of emails I get.

00:54:59Marc:Hi, Mark.

00:55:00Marc:Thanks for the fantastic podcast.

00:55:02Marc:I had a what the fuck moment this year that I want to share with you.

00:55:05Marc:My mom had a heart attack two days after Christmas in 2008.

00:55:09Marc:She was in the hospital for six weeks.

00:55:11Marc:During that time, she had a lot of complications and also heart surgery.

00:55:14Marc:I was 25 years old, and I couldn't believe that I had to realistically think about my mom's funeral.

00:55:19Marc:When the doctors at the ICU decided to transfer her to a different hospital for surgery, I went out to the waiting area to call my husband and tell him what was going on.

00:55:30Marc:I started to cry on the phone, which at this point was pretty usual for me.

00:55:32Marc:A lot of strangers were sitting around me, but I didn't even notice them.

00:55:35Marc:A woman who looked about 65 years old was sitting behind me.

00:55:38Marc:She came over to where I was standing and asked if I was all right.

00:55:41Marc:I couldn't say anything, and without a word, she put her arms around me and hugged me for a long minute.

00:55:46Marc:Presumably this woman had her own shit going on since she was in the hospital in the first place, but she stepped out of her own situation and comforted me.

00:55:53Marc:I was thinking to myself in an awestruck way, who the fuck is this woman?

00:55:57Marc:We separated, she smiled at me, and then walked out of the hospital with her husband.

00:56:01Marc:It was a piece of kindness that I never forgot.

00:56:04Marc:My dad chose to take it as a sign that things would be okay.

00:56:07Marc:I wasn't so sure, but my mom did have a successful surgery, and she is doing fine now.

00:56:12Marc:I didn't see that woman again, but I still think about her and hope that the kindness is coming back to her.

00:56:18Marc:Thanks for everything, Jennifer.

00:56:19Marc:Now, is that nice?

00:56:21Marc:All right, two emails down.

00:56:23Marc:Mark.

00:56:23Mark.

00:56:23Marc:I work with people who suffer from PMR, profound mental retardation.

00:56:34Marc:Is that the joke part?

00:56:35Marc:No.

00:56:35Marc:Wait.

00:56:35Marc:It says most of them cannot speak and spend all their lives in bed or wheelchairs due to this.

00:56:42Marc:They develop contractures and end up with horribly twisted bodies.

00:56:47Marc:Unlike you, I avoid the word retarded.

00:56:50Marc:When speaking of them, I refer to them as pretzel people.

00:56:59Guest 3:Those are the kind of listeners that make this show work.

00:57:07Marc:Now, I think there's no other way to really...

00:57:11Marc:Isn't that wonderful?

00:57:12Marc:Both people embracing the human spirit.

00:57:18Marc:Right now, it's my pleasure for this Christmas podcast.

00:57:21Marc:I know a lot of people are listening probably Christmas morning after they're wandering around their homes disappointed, hearing, you know, rapping, crumbling under their feet, going, that's not what I fucking wanted.

00:57:32Marc:That they're looking for a little dose of the poet Jim Earl, ladies and gentlemen, with a Christmas poem.

00:57:38Thank you.

00:57:49Guest 6:Thank you so very much.

00:57:50Guest 6:It is a great honor being here at this special Christmas podcast of Mark Maron.

00:57:59Guest 6:This is a poem for Christians.

00:58:03Guest 6:The rest of you can just go fuck off.

00:58:10Guest 6:I mean, you know, in a respectful way.

00:58:12Guest 6:T'was the night before Christmas and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse, except Uncle Herbie, whose pathetic life at most is an omelet of darkness on top of bleak toast.

00:58:30Guest 6:Anyway, it seems Uncle Herbie had been up all night celebrating the loss of one more day in his life.

00:58:37Guest 6:He drank past his limit, cramming food down his throat until his kidneys did bleed and his liver did bloat.

00:58:44Guest 6:In his stomach sat a big ball of gluten, while the pores on his face looked like cheese they were disputing.

00:58:52Guest 6:His colon did kink, buckle, and shudder, while it oozed a substance much like butter.

00:58:57Guest 6:Oh yeah, Herb's a sleazeball, but wait, there's much more.

00:59:00Guest 6:His son's a pusher, his mother a whore.

00:59:03Guest 6:And all through the night, as his stomach did gurgle, he dreamt of a neighbor's freezer to burgle.

00:59:09Guest 6:While snowflakes did fall to the wonderment of all, as the spirit of yuletide filled hearts big and small.

00:59:16Guest 6:That being said, Herb put a bag on his head, making his penis turn blue and his neck get all red.

00:59:24Guest 3:In the morning, the tots were a shudder to find him alone.

00:59:32Guest 6:Just he and his cheese puffs, one hand on his bone.

00:59:36Guest 6:Just then, through the hallway, Santa did skulk, dragging behind him his big bag of bulk.

00:59:42Guest 6:He laid down the presents one by one, a pile of sawdust, a whole wheat bun, a bucket of bran, and when he was done, Herbie was dead.

00:59:50Guest 6:A vessel broke or something, and Santa was taken downtown for questioning.

00:59:53Guest 3:Laughter

00:59:54Guest 6:Thank you.

00:59:55Marc:Merry Christmas.

00:59:56Marc:Thank you, Jim.

00:59:59Marc:I want to thank all my guests, Jerry Miner, Sarah Silverman, Paul F. Tompkins, Eddie Pepitone, Jim Earl.

01:00:06Marc:You can go to www.wtfpod.com.

01:00:09Marc:Get on the mailing list.

01:00:11Marc:Give us some money.

01:00:12Marc:PunchlineMagazine.com.

01:00:14Marc:I will be in Laps in Seattle January 15th and 16th.

01:00:16Marc:And for fuck's sake, Merry Christmas, Brendan P.W.

01:00:19Marc:McDonald for producing this show.

01:00:21Marc:Please give Brendan a round of applause.

01:00:24Marc:And thank you all for coming and have a great holiday.

01:00:27Marc:Good night.

01:00:34you