Episode 326 - Live from Just For Laughs

Episode 326 • Released October 21, 2012 • Speakers detected

00:00:00Marc:Lock the gates!

00:00:07Marc:Are we doing this?

00:00:08Marc:Really?

00:00:08Marc:Wait for it.

00:00:09Marc:Are we doing this?

00:00:10Marc:Wait for it.

00:00:12Marc:Pow!

00:00:12Marc:What the fuck?

00:00:13Marc:And it's also, eh, what the fuck?

00:00:16Marc:What's wrong with me?

00:00:18Marc:It's time for WTF!

00:00:19Marc:What the fuck?

00:00:20Marc:With Mark Maron.

00:00:23Guest:All right, let's do this, motherfuckers, motherfuckers!

00:00:26Marc:Thank you for coming, that's fucking amazing.

00:00:49Marc:I'm gonna go ahead and record this despite what the guy said before.

00:00:53Marc:about not recording.

00:00:54Marc:How are you?

00:00:55Marc:Everybody good?

00:00:56Marc:You know, I've got it.

00:01:00Marc:I'm going to be doing this a little unorthodox way because we have a guest that I love, and he has to be at another show.

00:01:08Marc:So let's do this real quick.

00:01:11Marc:I've got an email here.

00:01:11Marc:I've made you a pie.

00:01:12Marc:Dear Mark, I've just returned from the market with a basket full of peaches, and I've decided to make you a pie.

00:01:19Marc:Wait.

00:01:22Marc:She understands me too well.

00:01:24Marc:And I'm not sure how I feel about this email.

00:01:26Marc:I mean, the pie is going to really determine how I feel.

00:01:29Marc:I've been thinking about your feeders, i.e.

00:01:32Marc:people that feed me.

00:01:33Marc:It is hilarious to me that you have the kind of fans who bake you things that make you hate yourself while eating them.

00:01:41Marc:I would like to think it is an altruistic gesture, but I'm reading Richard Dawkins, The Selfish Gene, right now.

00:01:48Marc:And I think if we feeders are honest with ourselves, we must acknowledge we are taking a selfish, if not outright sadistic pleasure in your love of sweet things and resulting self-loathing post-binge.

00:02:02Marc:I know I am secretly enjoying the idea of you angrily laying into this peach pie...

00:02:10Marc:Alone in your hotel room tonight while cursing Queboucois.

00:02:14Marc:Is that how you say it?

00:02:16Marc:Queboucois television.

00:02:17Marc:So that's, this is her image.

00:02:19Marc:This is what she wants out of me.

00:02:22Marc:Just fucking eating a pie with my hands.

00:02:26Marc:Looking at the ridiculous French people on television going, this fucking is ridiculous.

00:02:33Marc:The thing is, your career is going great.

00:02:35Marc:You're in a good relationship, more or less, that she wrote in parentheses.

00:02:41Marc:Great, she's here.

00:02:41Marc:Thanks.

00:02:42Marc:Great.

00:02:43Marc:And then afterwards, Jessica will be like, what do you think that meant?

00:02:45Marc:Who was that girl?

00:02:47Marc:And you are... I hate when your fans think they understand you.

00:02:52Marc:And then I'm thinking, I think this illustrates exactly what she was talking about.

00:02:56Marc:And...

00:03:02Marc:It seems that she hit it right on the head.

00:03:04Marc:I'm not going to say anything because I just want to eat this pie.

00:03:06Marc:You're in a good relationship, more or less, and you are reconciling with all the comics you've alienated over the years.

00:03:13Marc:If making you food you can't resist and hence hate yourself for not resisting is what we need to do to keep the laughs coming, we'll take one for the team, Mark.

00:03:25Marc:Let me have that fucking pie.

00:03:27Marc:Thank you.

00:03:28Marc:This is Heather...

00:03:32Marc:And her pie.

00:03:33Marc:It's all, what do I, you've like, you've double wrapped, it's like protected in so many ways.

00:03:42Marc:It's a pie, okay, okay, okay, okay.

00:03:46Marc:Wait, I'm locked in.

00:03:49Marc:I'm locked into the bag.

00:03:50Marc:Okay, thank you, Heather.

00:03:52Marc:Thank you very much, Heather.

00:04:02Guest:How many pieces of foil are on the pie, Heather?

00:04:05Guest:Oh, this is beautiful.

00:04:09Guest:I'm going to ruin it.

00:04:21Marc:It's still fucking warm, too.

00:04:22Marc:That's so hot.

00:04:23Marc:Thank you.

00:04:27Marc:So good.

00:04:28Marc:All right, look, I want to get Mike out here.

00:04:31Marc:This guy, because he's got to go do another show, and I fucking love him.

00:04:34Marc:He makes me... I don't know.

00:04:37Marc:You guys know him up here forever because he's Uncle Mike.

00:04:40Marc:And I met him a few years ago, and I immediately thought, this guy is the greatest example of something that could happen to me.

00:04:48Marc:Um...

00:04:50Marc:if I don't watch myself.

00:04:52Marc:He's one of the greatest comics in the world, and I love him.

00:04:55Marc:Mike Wilmon, ladies and gentlemen.

00:05:01Marc:You can make it.

00:05:03Marc:You can make it.

00:05:04Guest:I made it all the way.

00:05:05Guest:I made it all the way.

00:05:06Guest:Look at that, Mike Wilmon!

00:05:07Marc:How you doing?

00:05:09Guest:Hey.

00:05:10Guest:I love your hot pie.

00:05:12Marc:Thank you, Mike.

00:05:13Marc:It's nice to see you.

00:05:14Marc:I appreciate you coming out here.

00:05:15Guest:It's fantastic.

00:05:17Guest:Before we start, just very quickly, what exactly is a podcast?

00:05:25Guest:I have no fucking clue.

00:05:26Marc:I tried to download your show on my phone, and it just turned off.

00:05:31Marc:I had to get rid of two episodes of Bob's Burgers.

00:05:35Marc:You fucking berate some drunk.

00:05:37Marc:It was horrible.

00:05:39Marc:You're going to make me cry.

00:05:41Marc:You know, this is what it's all about.

00:05:42Marc:Bobby's been bugging me.

00:05:44Marc:The whole fucking nasty show.

00:05:44Marc:Bobby Slayton?

00:05:45Marc:Yeah.

00:05:46Marc:He's going to make you cry.

00:05:47Marc:He's going to make you cry.

00:05:48Marc:That's what he does.

00:05:49Guest:You get out there, he'll talk about your mom and you cry.

00:05:54Guest:You're going to do it?

00:05:55Guest:Yeah, he's going to make you cry.

00:05:56Guest:He's a nice guy on the outside, but he just wants to make you cry.

00:05:59Marc:Why are you so sad?

00:06:01Marc:I recently lost a tooth.

00:06:08Marc:Yeah, really?

00:06:10Marc:Check that out.

00:06:10Marc:Let me just tell you something.

00:06:12Marc:Don't get upset.

00:06:13Marc:You know how old I am?

00:06:16Marc:I'm 48 years old.

00:06:17Marc:You know how Mike is?

00:06:18Marc:You know how old he is?

00:06:18Marc:49.

00:06:19Marc:Isn't that fucking crazy?

00:06:21Marc:Look at this guy.

00:06:25Guest:Look, look.

00:06:27Guest:What happened, Mike?

00:06:28Guest:This is all makeup.

00:06:30Marc:I'm actually a slim Latino cliff diver.

00:06:35Marc:In real life.

00:06:37Marc:I don't know what happened, man.

00:06:38Marc:I fell apart years ago.

00:06:40Marc:Like, I appreciate it.

00:06:42Marc:I respect it.

00:06:43Marc:It's almost like some people sacrifice their body for science.

00:06:46Marc:You're sacrificing it for comedy.

00:06:47Guest:For comedy.

00:06:48Guest:That's right.

00:06:49Guest:And I appreciate it.

00:06:50Guest:Every show, I kill myself a little more.

00:06:52Guest:Every show, you take and you take.

00:06:56Guest:And I give.

00:06:57Guest:I lost a tooth.

00:06:58Guest:I'm not kidding.

00:07:00Guest:I was camping with a buddy of mine.

00:07:02Guest:Yeah.

00:07:02Guest:And that sounded gay.

00:07:04Guest:But anyway, I was sucking his cock.

00:07:08Guest:Oh.

00:07:08Marc:No.

00:07:09Guest:No.

00:07:10Marc:You lost a tooth on his cock?

00:07:11Marc:Well, not on his cock.

00:07:13Marc:He had this ball bearing on the end.

00:07:15Oh.

00:07:16Marc:Hey, you know what, Mike?

00:07:17Marc:You're not supposed to chew on it.

00:07:19Marc:No, he called it his disco ball.

00:07:22Marc:Oh.

00:07:22Marc:No, I... Anyway, yeah.

00:07:25Guest:But it fell out in England, so who the fuck... Who notices?

00:07:30Marc:I did.

00:07:30Marc:Honest to God.

00:07:32Guest:Three weeks ago in London, England, I spit it out like a fucking chicklet.

00:07:35Marc:Yeah.

00:07:37Marc:And the English just goes, gives you character.

00:07:40Marc:Looks like a life well lived.

00:07:43Marc:But didn't you have that moment where you take the tooth out and you're like wondering just how much... I tried to put it back.

00:07:48Guest:I can't.

00:07:49Guest:I'm not kidding.

00:07:50Guest:I'm fucking... No.

00:07:52Guest:No.

00:07:53Guest:I'm dead.

00:07:55Marc:Wait, I saw you in Ireland.

00:07:56Marc:You travel internationally and you bring your cranky, slowly falling apart self everywhere.

00:08:02Marc:Yes.

00:08:03Marc:And I remember we had a moment in Ireland.

00:08:05Marc:I'm not sure what it was, but I remember that you kissed me.

00:08:09Marc:Yes.

00:08:09Marc:But I don't remember what led up to it.

00:08:11Marc:What led?

00:08:11Marc:You were just starting this fucking thing.

00:08:13Marc:Yeah.

00:08:14Marc:You mean the podcast.

00:08:14Marc:And you were so fucking miserable.

00:08:17Marc:Oh, that doesn't sound like me.

00:08:18Marc:No.

00:08:19No.

00:08:19Marc:Like, it was misery where you're trying to, hey, look, hey.

00:08:23Guest:Yeah.

00:08:24Marc:Come on, Mark.

00:08:25Marc:Yeah.

00:08:26Marc:There's a little rainbow in there.

00:08:27Guest:No.

00:08:27Guest:Nothing.

00:08:28Marc:Yeah.

00:08:28Marc:I just walked over, grabbed you by the fucking ears and kissed your head.

00:08:32Marc:That's all I had for you.

00:08:34Marc:You ran me fucking dry.

00:08:37Marc:The tooth probably fell out then.

00:08:40Guest:That's when my brain, if it was a tooth, fell out of my fucking head.

00:08:45Marc:But look, that's the power I have.

00:08:47Marc:Now look at him with the pie.

00:08:48Marc:Now he's happy.

00:08:49Marc:He's got hot pie.

00:08:52Marc:I've fallen apart since then.

00:08:54Marc:I was doing really well until I kissed your fucking head.

00:08:57Marc:That's the power of me.

00:08:59Marc:Your head sucked my life.

00:09:00Marc:Yeah.

00:09:01Marc:And now I'm toothless.

00:09:02Marc:But don't you go on vacation now?

00:09:04Marc:Isn't this over?

00:09:05Marc:I do the nasty show right after this.

00:09:08Marc:And once I say, goodnight, cocksuckers, which is how I end the show.

00:09:11Marc:Is that your signature ending?

00:09:13Guest:It is now.

00:09:14Marc:That's on the t-shirts?

00:09:16Guest:I love that.

00:09:17Marc:I actually used to have a joke where it ended with, so I kicked her in the box.

00:09:21Marc:And someone...

00:09:22Guest:I don't have to do the joke.

00:09:25Marc:Let's just write that yourselves.

00:09:28Marc:And ended on that.

00:09:29Marc:And somebody made me a shirt with a foot in a vagina that said, so I kicked her in the box.

00:09:38Marc:And I don't wear it.

00:09:40Guest:I wear it under my shirt, my other shirt, but knowing it's there.

00:09:47Guest:No one else can see it.

00:09:48Guest:But just knowing it's there makes my fucking day.

00:09:53Marc:You know what's weird, though, is that some guy did that for you, and he thought, like, oh, he's going to fucking wear this everywhere.

00:10:00Marc:I mean, what kind of mind, like, you know, like, he was going to think that you're going to, like, this is going to be great.

00:10:05Marc:A foot in the vagina, a kicker in the box.

00:10:07Marc:I'm wearing this when I drop my kids off at school.

00:10:10Yeah.

00:10:10Marc:Again, I did.

00:10:13Marc:You did wear it?

00:10:14Marc:I wore it underneath a sweater.

00:10:16Marc:But what do you do when you go on vacation?

00:10:17Marc:I don't see you as a guy.

00:10:18Marc:You don't hunt.

00:10:19Marc:You don't get on a boat, do you?

00:10:20Marc:I have kayaked.

00:10:23Marc:You have kayaked?

00:10:24Marc:I have kayaked.

00:10:25Guest:What is that like?

00:10:26Guest:Oh, this is bullshit.

00:10:28Marc:Pretty well.

00:10:29Marc:Turns out you just can't step on one from the dock.

00:10:33Marc:Thomas, that's the only time I've kayaked.

00:10:35Marc:I just, well, you're just standing and gone.

00:10:37Marc:That was it.

00:10:38Marc:Watch my glasses, my phone.

00:10:40Guest:Don't go in a suit if you go kayaking.

00:10:43Guest:Try to wear a bathing suit.

00:10:45Guest:Think of a head is where I'm... I did.

00:10:49Guest:Good you had the phone, though.

00:10:49Guest:I'm not fucking kidding.

00:10:50Marc:I just... Well, there... He just stepped right in it.

00:10:54Marc:And I just disappeared.

00:10:55Marc:So that was the end of the kayak.

00:10:56Marc:That was the end of the kayak.

00:10:57Marc:It's still there.

00:10:58Marc:It laughs at me.

00:10:59Marc:Yeah, he's just sitting out there.

00:11:00Marc:Just look at him.

00:11:01Marc:Come on, fatty.

00:11:02Marc:Come on, try again.

00:11:03Marc:But what do you do when you go up there?

00:11:04Marc:I smoke pot and watch hummingbirds fight.

00:11:08LAUGHTER

00:11:08Marc:That's all I do.

00:11:10Marc:I smoke weed.

00:11:12Marc:And they're vicious little fuckers, too.

00:11:15Marc:I smoke weed.

00:11:16Marc:And when you set them up, we put out, like, sugar water and stay very still.

00:11:23Marc:And for some reason, we play Willie Nelson songs.

00:11:27Marc:I don't know if that... We're not changing that.

00:11:29Marc:Which one?

00:11:29Marc:Like on the road again?

00:11:30Marc:Blue Eyes Crying in the Rain?

00:11:31Marc:No, no.

00:11:31Marc:Just on shuffle.

00:11:32Marc:Okay.

00:11:33Marc:Could be anything then.

00:11:35Marc:Anyone comes out and it brings the hummingbirds out.

00:11:38Marc:You think it's Willie?

00:11:39Marc:It might be.

00:11:39Marc:I'm not changing the way I do this.

00:11:41Marc:Okay.

00:11:41Marc:All right.

00:11:41Marc:I'm sorry.

00:11:42Marc:I don't think Count Basie will bring him out.

00:11:45Marc:Couldn't be the sugar.

00:11:46Guest:We'll try it.

00:11:46Guest:What the fuck?

00:11:47Guest:Let's try it.

00:11:47Guest:Count Basie.

00:11:48Guest:I'll email you afterwards.

00:11:50Guest:I'll tell you how it worked.

00:11:51Marc:I get stoned and I watch hummingbirds fight for three days.

00:11:53Marc:Okay, so you put the sugar out and they come out.

00:11:55Marc:And they come out and one will hover and then another one will come and then they start fighting.

00:12:01Marc:Yeah, I know.

00:12:01Guest:And they zip around.

00:12:02Marc:It's fucking beautiful.

00:12:03Marc:That's another thing about Ireland.

00:12:04Marc:Yeah.

00:12:04Marc:You and I started talking about hummingbirds.

00:12:06Marc:Yeah.

00:12:06Marc:And then we had that thing of like, do they have hummingbirds here?

00:12:09Marc:Yeah.

00:12:09Marc:Right.

00:12:09Marc:Can we tell these stories?

00:12:10Marc:What a weird fucking comedian thing to do.

00:12:12Marc:Yeah.

00:12:13Marc:Hummingbirds.

00:12:14Marc:And you don't want to walk up to someone.

00:12:15Marc:Yeah.

00:12:15Marc:Excuse me.

00:12:16Marc:Do you have hummingbirds?

00:12:18Marc:Like, not on me.

00:12:20Marc:I have heard of the hummingbird.

00:12:22Marc:Yeah, yeah.

00:12:23Marc:Not enough to do jokes.

00:12:24Marc:I once wrote a thing about it where I thought it was like a very adorable version of Top Gun.

00:12:29Marc:You know, just a very precious, adorable version of Top Gun.

00:12:32Guest:Without the music.

00:12:33Guest:Yeah.

00:12:33Marc:Without the shitty music.

00:12:35Marc:Yeah, yeah.

00:12:35Marc:I fucking love hummingbirds.

00:12:37Marc:And so do I. Yeah, God damn it.

00:12:39Marc:There we have it.

00:12:40Marc:Who has spoken with this tone about fucking hummingbirds before?

00:12:42Guest:Fucking beautiful hummingbirds.

00:12:43Marc:I fucking love them.

00:12:44Marc:Gorgeous.

00:12:45Marc:Those little fucking hummingbirds.

00:12:46Marc:They just fucking fly and keep each other's ass.

00:12:49Marc:They're all lives.

00:12:50Marc:They don't give a fuck about you.

00:12:51Marc:They are so goddamn fucking cute.

00:12:52Marc:They can hover.

00:12:53Marc:But you take their sugar away, they drop dead in a minute.

00:12:57Marc:Well, of course, I think I'm doing a good thing feeding them, and then I get an email from somebody, you know you're disrupting the ecosystem when you put sugar out because then they're no longer able to just do flowers.

00:13:06Marc:They're basically saying you're making crackheads out of the hummingbirds.

00:13:09Marc:Which is fine.

00:13:10Marc:Yeah, why not?

00:13:11Marc:What do I got to live that life for?

00:13:12Marc:No, fuck it.

00:13:13Marc:Do it with real crack.

00:13:14Marc:Yeah.

00:13:15Marc:Fuck the sugar water.

00:13:16Marc:Just down.

00:13:18Marc:You just watch hummingbirds explode in the air.

00:13:21Marc:Yeah, yeah.

00:13:22Marc:It's like, that's crack.

00:13:23Marc:It's not, that's actually crack.

00:13:25Marc:Stay away from that, man.

00:13:26Marc:Yeah, yeah.

00:13:28Marc:Bang.

00:13:29Marc:There's another one.

00:13:31Marc:Oh, fuck.

00:13:32Marc:Never mind weed.

00:13:32Marc:I'm bringing crack to the cottage.

00:13:36Marc:So you smoke weed, there's water, there's a kayak, and it's, what is it?

00:13:40Marc:And a canoe.

00:13:41Marc:Yeah.

00:13:42Marc:A canoe that the gunnel, they call it, the seat part broke.

00:13:46Marc:Uh-huh.

00:13:46Marc:So my buddy puts a fucking lawn chair in it.

00:13:49Marc:Yeah.

00:13:50Guest:So I'm paddling behind, and he looks like he's like some kind of queen.

00:13:56Guest:He's in a lawn chair.

00:13:59Marc:And what's fucked is, you know, I love the beer.

00:14:02Marc:Yeah.

00:14:02Marc:And the whole fucking canoe is full of empties.

00:14:06Yeah.

00:14:06Marc:You can hear us coming for blocks.

00:14:08Marc:We think we're sneaking up on loons.

00:14:12Marc:Just rattly, rattly, rattly.

00:14:14Marc:Oh, fuck, hey, watch out the chair.

00:14:15Marc:So we're nature lovers.

00:14:18Marc:That's what this is about.

00:14:18Marc:It sounds like it.

00:14:20Marc:You're the people that other people who have gone to enjoy nature say, that's why it's fucked up up here.

00:14:24Marc:They've ruined everything.

00:14:27Marc:Clankity.

00:14:28Marc:So when do you leave?

00:14:29Guest:Well, tomorrow.

00:14:32Guest:Tomorrow.

00:14:35Marc:Which one were you reacting to?

00:14:36Marc:How long had that been in you?

00:14:38Marc:I think she just envisioned the exploding hummingbird.

00:14:44Guest:She's clearly, you've just went, well, how would one explode?

00:14:49Marc:I guess it would just be pop.

00:14:53Marc:Mike Wilmont, don't die.

00:14:55Marc:Thanks, buddy.

00:14:57Marc:Go run and do your show.

00:14:59Marc:I love you, man.

00:15:05Marc:Oh, how do you not love that guy?

00:15:09Marc:All right, this next guest.

00:15:11Marc:You know, I wanted to honor Canada and have Canadian comics on, so I started looking at Canadian comics.

00:15:18Marc:I'd never met this gentleman before, and I watched a YouTube video of him.

00:15:24Marc:You know, I looked at the names on the lineup of the festival, and I watched this guy, and I was like, oh, my God, this guy's out there.

00:15:32Marc:And I said that.

00:15:33Marc:Sometimes Jim Gaffigan speaks through my head.

00:15:37Marc:this guy's not right i wonder what's up with this fella but he's hilarious and uh he's uh he's canadian sean cullen

00:15:57Marc:Sorry.

00:15:58Marc:Long walk.

00:15:59Guest:Thank you.

00:15:59Guest:It's all right.

00:16:00Guest:It's very nice to see you.

00:16:01Guest:I need the exercise.

00:16:02Guest:This is a beautiful pie.

00:16:03Guest:Isn't it?

00:16:04Guest:Some tinfoil in it, but it's beautiful.

00:16:06Marc:What do you think we should do?

00:16:08Guest:I would eat part of it if you want me to eat it with you.

00:16:11Marc:I thought I brought a knife out, but fuck it.

00:16:12Guest:I'll fuck your part, and then you can fuck my part, and then we'll eat it.

00:16:17Guest:Look at that shit.

00:16:18Guest:Are you fucking kidding me?

00:16:19Guest:It's coming at me like a pie.

00:16:21Guest:It's right in my mouth like a pie fucking thing.

00:16:26Guest:Look at... Oh, my God!

00:16:28Guest:I froze.

00:16:33Guest:I had pie fear right there.

00:16:34Guest:How was that good, though?

00:16:36Guest:It's so fucking good.

00:16:37Guest:The thing is, I hate a peach.

00:16:38Guest:I don't like peaches.

00:16:40Guest:Don't eat them.

00:16:41Guest:They're covered in fur.

00:16:42Marc:Have you seen Heather?

00:16:43Marc:She's a peach.

00:16:44Marc:Oh, she sure is.

00:16:48Guest:She went... I'd put you in the microwave for five or ten seconds to kill any kind of fungus.

00:16:57Guest:Before I ate you, you know what I mean?

00:17:00Marc:It's weird.

00:17:00Marc:The tone was so well, it took me three seconds to realize that wasn't a good thing.

00:17:06Guest:No.

00:17:06Guest:Humans and microwaves, no one wants it.

00:17:08Guest:To get a microwave that big, first of all, it's crazy.

00:17:11Guest:You know there's a madman in charge when that's being built.

00:17:16Guest:I need a microwave I can sit in.

00:17:20LAUGHTER

00:17:20Guest:Just to heat me up a bit.

00:17:22Marc:So I don't know much about... Where do you live in Canada?

00:17:25Guest:I live in Toronto, but I'm sorry.

00:17:30Guest:You always have to apologize when you're in Montreal.

00:17:32Guest:Why?

00:17:32Guest:Because Montreal thinks it's so fucking amazing.

00:17:38Guest:Here's the thing about Montreal.

00:17:39Guest:Please tell me, because I don't know.

00:17:40Guest:Festivals.

00:17:41Guest:Yeah.

00:17:41Guest:Festivals.

00:17:42Guest:That's it.

00:17:42Guest:I was in my hotel, the Hyatt.

00:17:45Guest:Mm-hmm.

00:17:45Guest:And there's a festival right outside, a festival of things that no one understands.

00:17:50Guest:Then there's a festival of striking outside the hotel where people are striking and festivaling and dancing while they strike.

00:17:58Marc:I've never seen protesters actually synchronized dancing.

00:18:02Guest:Like if I threw this spoon on the floor, there'd be a festival around it in about three minutes.

00:18:09Guest:The Concave Vessel Festival would be going on.

00:18:13Guest:Le Vessel Concave!

00:18:16Guest:Le Festival!

00:18:17Guest:Le Vessel Concave!

00:18:21Guest:Allons-y!

00:18:22Marc:Allons-y!

00:18:25Marc:Did you have the same moment?

00:18:27Marc:I had this moment where I was walking around the festival and I realized, you know, maybe we've hit the entertainment ceiling.

00:18:33Marc:I think so.

00:18:34Guest:Maybe there's really too much entertainment.

00:18:35Guest:They're saturated.

00:18:36Marc:I thought I really... There was a band playing where I think there was a guitar player dressed as a wedge of cheese.

00:18:42Marc:Is that possible?

00:18:43Guest:I was looking out my window and there were a bunch of aliens playing.

00:18:47Guest:Play that funky music whiteboard.

00:18:49Right.

00:18:49Guest:And I'm like, that's got to be the sign of the end of something.

00:18:53Guest:Yeah.

00:18:54Guest:And there's pulled pork all over the place.

00:18:56Guest:There's fucking people walking around with a big cob of corn dangling from their mouths.

00:19:02Guest:Well, that's just their street fair stuff.

00:19:04Guest:There's a guy in a giant, like an inflated green demon floating above there.

00:19:09Guest:And I was like, oh, they bring the kids.

00:19:11Marc:Were you here for the French part of the festival?

00:19:14Marc:I mean, what happens there?

00:19:15Marc:It's like this secret thing that I've only heard about.

00:19:17Marc:Here's what happens.

00:19:18Marc:Every time you go to Montreal, people are like, they do the French part for the first two weeks.

00:19:22Marc:I'm like, what does that mean?

00:19:24Marc:Like, what happens during the French part?

00:19:26Guest:Qu'est-ce que c'est?

00:19:29Guest:Qu'est-ce que c'est passé?

00:19:32Guest:Qu'est-ce que c'est passé?

00:19:34Guest:Qu'est-ce que c'est passé?

00:19:35Guest:Qu'est-ce que c'est passé?

00:19:37Guest:Je dois danser avec les vaches.

00:19:42Guest:Here's what you have to do.

00:19:44Guest:Release mentally deranged people into the streets with makeup on their faces and some kind of gauzy thing on their bodies and say, these are clowns.

00:20:00Guest:These are not clowns, these mental patients.

00:20:04Guest:We don't want to feed them for a couple of weeks.

00:20:06Guest:Just go out on Saturday night.

00:20:09Guest:Assault people.

00:20:11Guest:And people go, oh, they're so fun.

00:20:14Guest:He's fondling you.

00:20:15Guest:You know that, right?

00:20:16Guest:This man is sticking his hands in your pants.

00:20:19Guest:Oh, but he's dressed as a sailor.

00:20:23Guest:What?

00:20:23Guest:That's even worse.

00:20:24Guest:I don't understand.

00:20:28Guest:How did you grow up?

00:20:29Guest:I grew up, well, I started very small.

00:20:31Guest:Yeah.

00:20:33Guest:And, uh...

00:20:36Guest:I was given fuel in the form of food from my parents.

00:20:39Guest:Oh, that's interesting.

00:20:40Guest:And then giant things happened.

00:20:42Marc:You just kept growing?

00:20:43Guest:No, when I started off, I lived in a small town called Peterborough, just outside of Toronto, which has kind of now become a home for the elderly.

00:20:51Marc:You're talking about your parents?

00:20:52Guest:Yeah, well, my mom is still there.

00:20:55Guest:And every single spare space has been filled with the old.

00:21:00Guest:It's like, oh, this used to be a welding.

00:21:03Guest:Okay, now there's full of old people.

00:21:05Guest:They're all just sitting in holes where they pretend to have a full life.

00:21:10Marc:You just walk into places and it's like, oh, there's old people everywhere.

00:21:13Guest:I'm just going to rent this storage space.

00:21:18Guest:Hundreds of old people are in there.

00:21:20Guest:Anyway, but it's nice.

00:21:22Guest:Yeah.

00:21:22Guest:And then I moved to Windsor, which is a kind of a... I hear that's far.

00:21:27Guest:It's like Detroit.

00:21:28Guest:You know Detroit?

00:21:29Guest:So it's dead?

00:21:29Guest:Yeah, it's awful.

00:21:31Guest:What was it in its heyday?

00:21:34Guest:Well, it was cars.

00:21:35Guest:It was like the feeder company for Detroit.

00:21:37Guest:And then...

00:21:38Guest:And also liquor, Hiram Walker, Johnny Walker.

00:21:43Marc:They made booze and cars up there.

00:21:45Guest:Booze and cars.

00:21:46Guest:Great combination.

00:21:46Guest:They still make the booze.

00:21:48Guest:The cars, not so much.

00:21:51Guest:But then I moved to Toronto.

00:21:52Guest:I was kicked out of university.

00:21:54Guest:I was in acting school.

00:21:55Guest:And they said, you know what?

00:21:56Guest:You're not a performer.

00:21:57Guest:This is something we've figured out in three years.

00:22:00Guest:What does that mean?

00:22:00Guest:You broke your goddamn spoon, sir.

00:22:04Guest:Take it.

00:22:04Marc:I'm sorry, I should focus on you.

00:22:06Guest:Listen, when a pie is in your face, you cannot stop it.

00:22:10Guest:You don't have to tell me twice.

00:22:13Guest:I was going to, and then you stopped me.

00:22:17Guest:Wait, so how did you get kicked out of acting school?

00:22:19Guest:I got kicked out because basically my biggest problem was improv.

00:22:24Guest:Really?

00:22:24Guest:I find that hard to believe.

00:22:26Guest:I would do it and it looked too easy.

00:22:27Guest:Here's the thing about theater school.

00:22:28Guest:You go to theater school and it's all about being told that you don't know anything.

00:22:33Guest:Right.

00:22:34Guest:And you should fail hard first until we say you're not failing anymore.

00:22:42Guest:And you're an actor.

00:22:43Right.

00:22:45Guest:Right?

00:22:45Guest:So I didn't want to do it.

00:22:48Guest:You didn't want to fail.

00:22:48Guest:I just did it.

00:22:49Guest:And I enjoyed doing it.

00:22:51Guest:One of my teachers basically was an actress who vomited into a bucket every time she had to do something on stage.

00:22:59Guest:And I thought, that doesn't seem like you enjoy this field.

00:23:04Guest:How does it seem like you like it?

00:23:07Guest:What are you doing?

00:23:07Guest:If I was like a pilot who cried every time he took off, I think I'd be like, I'm getting out of the airline business now.

00:23:17Guest:Maybe I'm better on the ground.

00:23:19Guest:Maybe he's a boat pilot.

00:23:23Guest:Or a captain, as they're called.

00:23:26Guest:Although pilots do guide boats into treacherous waters.

00:23:30Guest:You know what I mean.

00:23:30Guest:Yeah, I do.

00:23:31Guest:Mark one, Mark Twain.

00:23:33Guest:Yeah.

00:23:34Guest:Yeah.

00:23:34Guest:So anyway, so then I was asked to leave and I said, did she vomit in class or did she just tell you this is what she went through?

00:23:40Guest:Was it something she vomited in class?

00:23:43Guest:I don't know.

00:23:44Guest:No, she just told me, you know, that I was really not cut out for this.

00:23:49Guest:So I went and did it.

00:23:50Guest:Yeah.

00:23:51Guest:And, um,

00:23:51Guest:You acted.

00:23:52Guest:Fuck you people.

00:23:53Guest:Yeah.

00:23:54Guest:I said to them in my heart.

00:23:56Guest:But now you go back and you say, well, this is just sad.

00:23:59Guest:Yeah.

00:23:59Guest:Do you want to mention names?

00:24:00Guest:Oh, really?

00:24:01Guest:No.

00:24:02Guest:You have empathy now.

00:24:02Guest:I have empathy now.

00:24:03Guest:I'm just like, everybody has their challenges.

00:24:05Guest:Some people barf in a bucket.

00:24:07Guest:Some people enjoy their lives.

00:24:09Yeah.

00:24:11Marc:I think that can go across the board with anything.

00:24:14Guest:Yeah, some people live with that.

00:24:16Guest:But I don't know.

00:24:18Guest:I just really like this job.

00:24:20Marc:But do you act as well?

00:24:21Guest:I do act.

00:24:22Guest:I write novels.

00:24:23Guest:I write novels for young adults.

00:24:24Guest:I don't know if anybody... Under your name?

00:24:27Marc:Under my name.

00:24:27Marc:Sean Cullen?

00:24:28Guest:I was going to write them under your name because I think a lot more people would buy them.

00:24:31Marc:I don't know if that's true.

00:24:32Marc:Because people really know you.

00:24:34Guest:They don't know me as well.

00:24:35Marc:We can sell some books right now.

00:24:37Marc:Give us some titles of your books.

00:24:38Guest:Well, the first book I wrote was called Hamish X and the Cheese Pirates.

00:24:42Guest:And it's a book about a young boy named Hamish X who doesn't know where he comes from.

00:24:47Guest:He's an orphan, and he works in a cheese factory in the far north of Manitoba.

00:24:53Guest:Mm-hmm.

00:24:53Guest:And he makes cheese out of caribou milk.

00:25:00Guest:And it's very pungent, powerful cheese.

00:25:02Guest:Specific.

00:25:03Guest:Very specific.

00:25:03Guest:Well, that's what it's all about, isn't it?

00:25:05Guest:Specifics.

00:25:05Guest:Yeah, it's about specializing.

00:25:06Guest:Boutique.

00:25:07Guest:Well, putting it right, cheese, well, it's such a powerful cheese, it causes hallucinations and death.

00:25:12Guest:It's like eating puffer fish.

00:25:14Guest:So the evil cheesemaker runs this place and has all these children working for him.

00:25:19Guest:And one day, Hamish is planning to escape.

00:25:23Guest:He's going to escape.

00:25:25Guest:They're all forced to work there.

00:25:26Guest:It's like a sweatshop, a sweaty cheese shop.

00:25:29Guest:Like a cheese you've left out in the sun and it's sweating and then children are coming and brushing that off.

00:25:35Marc:And they can't leave.

00:25:36Guest:They can't leave.

00:25:36Marc:That's their life.

00:25:37Marc:That's their life.

00:25:38Marc:Brushing cheese.

00:25:39Guest:So now... Heartbreaking.

00:25:41Guest:Pirates come in a Zeppelin, cheese pirates, and attack the cheese factory, take all the fine cheese and the children, and they take them to Snow Monkey Island in the far north, where they are forced to make cheese under these horrible pirates.

00:25:55Guest:So Hamish goes to rescue them.

00:25:58Marc:Wow, so there's two-time losers, these kids.

00:26:00Guest:They're two-time losers.

00:26:01Guest:First of all, they've been neglected and discarded.

00:26:03Marc:But is there fun on the Zeppelin, though?

00:26:06No.

00:26:08Guest:All I can say is Hindenburg.

00:26:10Guest:Was there fun on that?

00:26:12Guest:Actually, I would really love to have Zeppelins now.

00:26:14Guest:I'd love that.

00:26:15Guest:You could sit and cook a meal and burn the whole place down.

00:26:20Guest:You can't do that on a train or a plane anymore.

00:26:22Marc:Plummet to your death for food.

00:26:24Guest:Yeah, well, just thinking of people like giant men smoking cigars and a giant burning gas bag going, hey, this is the way to travel.

00:26:32Guest:And then...

00:26:32Guest:Falling to their death.

00:26:34Guest:Yeah, yeah.

00:26:34Guest:The humanity.

00:26:36Marc:So that's the first book.

00:26:37Guest:That's the first book.

00:26:37Guest:The second book is called Hamish X and the Hollow Mountain.

00:26:42Guest:He's back.

00:26:42Guest:Yes.

00:26:43Guest:It's great.

00:26:43Guest:Like Harry Potter.

00:26:44Guest:Yeah.

00:26:45Guest:Well, I'm trying to cash in, but my stuff is not very accessible, I guess.

00:26:49Marc:In the second book, is he still in the cheese factory?

00:26:52Guest:No, he's escaped from there, and they've stolen the Zeppelin for themselves.

00:26:56Guest:Oh, that's fun, though, right?

00:26:57Guest:Yes, now they've got a Zeppelin.

00:26:59Guest:It was originally called Death from the Skies.

00:27:01Marc:Yeah.

00:27:02Guest:But they changed the name.

00:27:03Guest:I forgot what it's called.

00:27:04Guest:The Sky Queen, I think they call her, or the Orphan Queen.

00:27:07Guest:You haven't decided yet?

00:27:08Guest:Oh, the Orphan Queen.

00:27:09Guest:I know what it's called.

00:27:10Guest:I've forgotten.

00:27:10Guest:And then I wrote it a few years ago.

00:27:12Guest:So then they go to visit the king of Switzerland, who lives in a hollow mountain,

00:27:16Guest:and saves children and gives them a place to live if they're orphans.

00:27:20Guest:So they go to visit him.

00:27:22Guest:But they battle these orphan disposal agencies, the ODA, who are a group of horrible men who find unwanted and unneeded children and unloved children and take them and stick them in these sweatshops or whatever.

00:27:36Guest:And so that's the ultimate fight.

00:27:38Guest:And they eventually go to, in the third book, they go to Hamish X goes to Providence, Rhode Island.

00:27:44LAUGHTER

00:27:44Guest:Which is where their evil empire is contained.

00:27:48Guest:That's the capital of their evil empire.

00:27:51Guest:Really?

00:27:51Marc:Yes.

00:27:52Marc:I had no idea.

00:27:52Marc:It's a dangerous place.

00:27:56Guest:Well, it's where H.P.

00:27:57Guest:Lovecraft is from.

00:27:58Guest:My car was still in there once.

00:28:00Guest:Really?

00:28:00Guest:Yeah, my red Toyota.

00:28:01Guest:And where did they take it?

00:28:02Guest:It's an island.

00:28:02Marc:I have no fucking idea.

00:28:03Guest:It's Rhode Island.

00:28:04Guest:I know, but it's... Did they come back and give it back to you?

00:28:07Marc:There's a lot of freakish fishermen there.

00:28:10Guest:Well, you know, it's true.

00:28:12Guest:Some of them are bred with weird marine creatures with giant puffy eyes.

00:28:17Guest:Exactly.

00:28:18Guest:They can breathe underwater.

00:28:20Guest:A lot of people don't know that about the people of Rhode Island.

00:28:22Guest:How am I going to find my car?

00:28:23Marc:You know what I'm saying?

00:28:24Marc:It's in the water.

00:28:25Guest:Exactly.

00:28:25Guest:They're driving it around the seabed.

00:28:27Marc:I'm not going to fuck with those guys.

00:28:28Guest:That's right.

00:28:29Guest:They let all the air out of the tires so it would sink.

00:28:31Guest:They're a fucking badass.

00:28:32Marc:Those fucking assholes.

00:28:34Guest:Creepy, too.

00:28:35Guest:Creepy.

00:28:35Guest:Dirty fish smelling creeps.

00:28:37Guest:Part fish.

00:28:38Guest:The second series?

00:28:41Guest:No.

00:28:44Guest:It's all right.

00:28:45Guest:I'm not going to go on.

00:28:46Guest:I know you've got other people to see, and there's a whole pie to eat.

00:28:49Guest:There's a lot of people to come out.

00:28:51Marc:I'd like you to stay, though, and move down.

00:28:53Guest:Listen, if I can have this bag of buttons, I will stay as long as possible.

00:28:57Guest:I will put this on and turn into, like, one of those Pearly Kings in the Cockney Pearly Kings.

00:29:03Guest:Sure.

00:29:03Guest:I don't know.

00:29:04Guest:I'm going to move down this way.

00:29:05Guest:Yeah, just move down there.

00:29:06Guest:I'm sorry I kept myself here so long.

00:29:09Guest:I know what it's like.

00:29:10Guest:I know what bullshit I've been up to.

00:29:12Guest:I don't even know what I was talking about.

00:29:13Guest:This is very embarrassing for me.

00:29:15Guest:I'm upset now.

00:29:18Guest:I'll be here smoldering.

00:29:20Guest:Sean Cullen.

00:29:25Guest:Oh, shit!

00:29:27Marc:See if that's working still.

00:29:28Marc:Is it?

00:29:31Guest:No, it's fine.

00:29:32Marc:It's perfect.

00:29:32Marc:You think so?

00:29:33Marc:Give me it.

00:29:34Marc:Let me have it.

00:29:35Marc:Oh, God.

00:29:37Marc:I better narrate this for the listeners.

00:29:39Marc:Sean is now drying the mic with the underside of his balls.

00:29:43Guest:Well, they are very dry because today I was sitting on a ShamWow.

00:29:51Marc:Now I don't know if Nicky's going to want to use that mic.

00:29:56Guest:I don't know.

00:29:57Guest:Maybe they should sit there.

00:29:58Marc:I'll take the ball, Mike.

00:29:59Guest:Should I put that down?

00:30:01Guest:Should I put that down so they feel like they're on a space station?

00:30:05Marc:Now there's tinfoil.

00:30:07Marc:Ladies and gentlemen, this next guest is a hilarious woman from America.

00:30:14Marc:Let's not cause trouble.

00:30:19Marc:I've worked with her many times before.

00:30:22Marc:Nikki Glaser, ladies and gentlemen.

00:30:25Marc:Yay, Nikki Glaser.

00:30:28Marc:Hi.

00:30:29Marc:I have the dirty one.

00:30:31Marc:I have the dirty mic.

00:30:32Guest:Thank you for taking that.

00:30:33Marc:I'm taking the dirty mic.

00:30:35Marc:Yeah.

00:30:35Marc:Hi, Nikki.

00:30:36Guest:Hi, Mark.

00:30:36Marc:Are you having a good festival, as they say?

00:30:38Marc:I'm having a great one, yes.

00:30:40Marc:Really?

00:30:40Marc:Are you being honest?

00:30:41Marc:People keep asking me if I'm having a good festival.

00:30:43Guest:Oh, I guess it's okay.

00:30:44Marc:And I'm like, what does that mean, having a good festival?

00:30:46Guest:Yeah, what does it mean?

00:30:47Guest:Good shows.

00:30:48Marc:Yeah, you just say, yeah, it's great.

00:30:49Guest:Yeah.

00:30:49Guest:This is my first festival not drinking, so that's interesting for me.

00:30:55Marc:Oh, shit.

00:30:56Marc:Yeah.

00:30:56Marc:And how has that experience affected you, though?

00:30:58Marc:Are you freaking out?

00:30:59Marc:Are you finding yourself more emotional when people are like, hey, great job?

00:31:02Guest:And you're like, what do you mean?

00:31:04Guest:No, I like it.

00:31:05Marc:Yeah.

00:31:06Guest:I'm okay with it.

00:31:07Guest:I think I'm good.

00:31:07Marc:Yeah.

00:31:09Marc:And do you find that you're funnier?

00:31:11Guest:I just don't.

00:31:12Guest:Um, no.

00:31:14Guest:That's what I'm worried about.

00:31:15Guest:Really?

00:31:16Guest:I think it's kind of sucking the funny out of me.

00:31:19Guest:I just don't care anymore.

00:31:23Guest:I'm so glad you came on the show.

00:31:25Marc:This is perfect timing.

00:31:27Marc:Mark, I'm here, I'm not funny, and I don't fucking care anymore.

00:31:31Guest:No, I'm funny.

00:31:32Guest:It's just I don't...

00:31:34Marc:Sean, you might have been the wrong guy to just have sit around.

00:31:38Guest:I will leave.

00:31:39Guest:No, I'm kidding.

00:31:40Guest:I'm kidding.

00:31:40Guest:But I'm just thinking you must be so thirsty by now.

00:31:44Guest:I am.

00:31:44Guest:It's been like four or five days.

00:31:45Guest:Yeah, not drinking.

00:31:47Guest:Jesus Christ.

00:31:49Guest:Extremely dehydrated.

00:31:50Guest:Can I get in on this?

00:31:51Guest:Yeah, gross.

00:31:52Guest:Thank you so much.

00:31:52Guest:I can get you a fresh one if you want.

00:31:54Guest:That one I've been licking and I was talking into it.

00:31:57Guest:Thank you.

00:31:58Marc:There, you got a water.

00:32:00Marc:All right, well, I'm just going to talk to her for a second.

00:32:03Marc:I know it's a big stage.

00:32:04Guest:I will go.

00:32:05Marc:I don't want you to go.

00:32:06Guest:I don't want him to either.

00:32:07Marc:No, my thought was Sean comes out first.

00:32:10Guest:Then we're all quiet while you talk to each one.

00:32:13Guest:No, I want you to listen and enjoy.

00:32:16Guest:I am listening.

00:32:16Guest:Why are we yelling now?

00:32:18Guest:I don't know.

00:32:19Guest:Listen, just tell me right now what to do.

00:32:24Guest:Should I sit here quietly or make comments or join in?

00:32:28Guest:I mean, it's your time.

00:32:29Guest:I had my time alone.

00:32:31Guest:Yeah, you talk to him.

00:32:32Guest:I would like his help.

00:32:33Guest:Listen, you don't need my help.

00:32:35Guest:You're a very funny person, a wonderful human being, not at all thirsty, and incredibly not drunk.

00:32:44Guest:Yes.

00:32:45Guest:So I think I should just shut up.

00:32:47Guest:and sit here and enjoy it until the time comes when someone calls upon me to speak again.

00:32:57Guest:All right.

00:32:59Guest:Don't.

00:33:02Guest:Where are you going?

00:33:02Guest:Okay.

00:33:05Guest:Yeah, that's not distracting.

00:33:09I don't know.

00:33:10Guest:I don't know what I should do.

00:33:11Marc:I just want to... Sean, picture... All right.

00:33:15Guest:You're going to go to... How is that better?

00:33:17Guest:I don't know.

00:33:20Guest:I don't know.

00:33:23Guest:This is your time.

00:33:24Guest:Let's not have me moving up and down the table.

00:33:29Guest:I don't want that to happen anymore.

00:33:31Guest:I am so sorry that this has become about where I am and what I need.

00:33:37Guest:It's not about me.

00:33:38Guest:It's about this space age fabric.

00:33:41Guest:It's not about me.

00:33:44Marc:Just relax.

00:33:45Marc:Relax.

00:33:45Marc:You're good.

00:33:46Marc:You're good.

00:33:51Marc:I'm going to talk to him.

00:33:52Marc:No, you don't have to be sorry.

00:33:53Marc:And don't be distracted.

00:33:55Marc:I'm not.

00:33:56Marc:He's like a guy that is hilarious.

00:34:00Guest:I'm mentally ill is what it is.

00:34:02Guest:I'm mentally ill.

00:34:03Guest:I cannot sit alone.

00:34:04Guest:You're not mentally ill.

00:34:05Marc:Yeah.

00:34:06Marc:No.

00:34:06Marc:I'm just going to talk to Nikki for two seconds.

00:34:11Guest:Here's a bag of buttons.

00:34:12Okay.

00:34:15Guest:Have fun with that.

00:34:17Guest:That'll keep him busy.

00:34:19Marc:That's hilarious.

00:34:23Marc:Play with the button, Sean.

00:34:27Marc:No, watch.

00:34:28Marc:Here's what we're going to do.

00:34:30Marc:We're all going to engage in a conversation.

00:34:32Marc:Watch.

00:34:32Marc:Here's what we're going to do.

00:34:36Marc:Nikki, I've worked with you before, but where do you come from?

00:34:40Guest:St.

00:34:40Guest:Louis.

00:34:41Guest:Who the hell comes from St.

00:34:42Guest:Louis?

00:34:42Guest:Everyone.

00:34:43Guest:A lot of people.

00:34:44Marc:Really?

00:34:44Marc:Yeah.

00:34:45Marc:I've been there, but they have the arch, and then you go up in the arch once, and you're like, I'm done with St.

00:34:50Guest:Louis.

00:34:50Guest:And then you're like, I get it.

00:34:51Marc:Yeah.

00:34:51Yeah.

00:34:51Marc:You grew up there?

00:34:52Marc:What happened there?

00:34:53Guest:I grew up there.

00:34:53Marc:Are you Jewish?

00:34:54Guest:No.

00:34:55Guest:Really?

00:34:55Guest:Nikki Glaser?

00:34:56Guest:I know.

00:34:57Guest:How did that happen?

00:34:59Marc:It's an S, not a Z. Oh, you're German.

00:35:01Guest:Yes.

00:35:01Marc:Okay.

00:35:06Guest:Maybe she worked in glass.

00:35:08Guest:Maybe she fixed windows or her family did in the past.

00:35:11Marc:I bet you that's where the name came from.

00:35:13Marc:Have you ever traced your name?

00:35:14Guest:No, but I think that's probably where it is.

00:35:17Marc:You're going to go ahead and go with Sean's assessment of the situation?

00:35:21Marc:Yeah, that sounds right.

00:35:22Marc:They were glass people.

00:35:24Marc:Your great-grandfather was a glassblower.

00:35:26Guest:Yeah, probably.

00:35:27Marc:How long have you been doing the comedy?

00:35:29Guest:Like eight years.

00:35:32Marc:And when you were in high school, was it horrible?

00:35:36Guest:Yeah, kind of.

00:35:39Marc:Why?

00:35:40Guest:I was just quiet and I wasn't like the class clown or anything.

00:35:45Guest:Really?

00:35:46Guest:No.

00:35:47Guest:I'm the older of two siblings.

00:35:50Guest:My sister was two years younger than me and like the most popular girl in my grade.

00:35:55Marc:Oh, that's fucking horrendous.

00:35:56Guest:Yeah, it was pretty awful.

00:35:57Marc:Did you hate her more than a regular sister?

00:35:59Guest:No, she's so nice and beautiful and perfect.

00:36:02Guest:You can't even hate her.

00:36:03Guest:So that's the worst part of it.

00:36:04Marc:Really?

00:36:05Marc:I hate her right now.

00:36:06Marc:I hate her.

00:36:07Guest:Yeah.

00:36:07Marc:You made me hate your sister.

00:36:08Guest:Yeah.

00:36:09Guest:Lauren.

00:36:10Marc:Oh, you even said it.

00:36:11Marc:I felt it there.

00:36:12Guest:Lauren.

00:36:13Marc:Like perfect Lauren.

00:36:14Guest:Yep.

00:36:15Marc:Even the perfect name.

00:36:16Marc:You're like Nikki with K's.

00:36:18Guest:Yeah.

00:36:18Marc:And she's Lauren.

00:36:19Guest:Lauren.

00:36:20Marc:Yeah.

00:36:21Guest:What's she doing now?

00:36:22Guest:What's she doing now?

00:36:23Guest:She just got married two days ago.

00:36:26Guest:It's just all the worst.

00:36:29Guest:She was like... I know, Sean.

00:36:34Marc:Is she happy?

00:36:35Guest:She's so happy.

00:36:36Guest:Oh, fuck her.

00:36:36Guest:Seriously.

00:36:37Guest:She's teaching English in Spain.

00:36:39Guest:She's what?

00:36:40Guest:She's going to teach English in Spain.

00:36:42Guest:That's fucking horrendous.

00:36:44Marc:Right?

00:36:44Marc:Go ahead.

00:36:44Marc:Get on the mic, Sean.

00:36:45Marc:What do you think of that?

00:36:46Yes.

00:36:46Guest:is unbelievable isn't this just a bag of buttons yes it's a bag of buttons and each one says fuck you little sis she says i never talk about her on my podcast she complains yeah so now i'm talking about her on this is the right place to do that so she's your oldest sister

00:37:07Guest:She's my younger sister.

00:37:08Marc:And you have an older one?

00:37:09Guest:No.

00:37:10Guest:You're the oldest?

00:37:11Guest:I'm the oldest.

00:37:12Guest:But this is the thing.

00:37:12Guest:She got her first kiss before me.

00:37:14Guest:She had sex before me.

00:37:15Guest:She's like my older sister.

00:37:17Guest:I always was like, what's it like?

00:37:20Marc:And what did she say?

00:37:20Guest:She lost her virginity to my high school crush.

00:37:25Guest:How is... It's the worst.

00:37:29Marc:How do you... I think... So, yeah.

00:37:32Guest:That was hard.

00:37:33Marc:It was?

00:37:33Marc:That's... She's fucking horrible.

00:37:37Yeah.

00:37:37Guest:Yeah, but she doesn't want any of the attention that she got, and then that's probably why I ended up doing this, because I wanted it.

00:37:45Marc:But when she fucked your high school crush... Yeah.

00:37:48Marc:I mean, what did you... I called my dad.

00:37:50Guest:That's... Oh, God.

00:37:55Guest:That's... Like the next day?

00:37:56Guest:That night.

00:37:57Guest:I remember just being on my dorm room floor crying and being like, Dad, she's so... She has everything.

00:38:05Guest:Yeah.

00:38:05Guest:He was like, it'll be... It's okay.

00:38:08Guest:You don't need boys.

00:38:09Guest:Oh.

00:38:11Guest:i'm like yeah my yeah i'm but did she he didn't say anything about your younger sister fucking some guy no no what do you mean like like how old was she she was of age she's 20 20 probably yeah so it wasn't like this was in college that okay yeah then did you ask her about what it was like to have sex with that guy oh yeah

00:38:32Guest:I found out all about sex from her.

00:38:35Guest:Really?

00:38:35Guest:Yeah.

00:38:36Marc:And, like, what did she say at first?

00:38:37Marc:I don't have sisters, so this is interesting to me.

00:38:39Guest:Yeah.

00:38:40Marc:How do girls describe their first sexual experience?

00:38:43Guest:Um, I just laid there and, uh...

00:38:48Guest:That's the first and all of them.

00:38:51Guest:At least for me.

00:38:52Marc:That sex for you?

00:38:53Guest:Kind of.

00:38:54Marc:You don't move around?

00:38:55Guest:Well, I move around, but I like being on bottom.

00:38:59Guest:I have a whole bit about it.

00:39:01Guest:I don't want to go into my act.

00:39:03Marc:But your bit comes from honesty.

00:39:04Guest:Yeah, it does.

00:39:05Marc:So you just like being on the bottom because you don't like to work at it?

00:39:08No.

00:39:08Guest:Yeah, I just like to lay back and just get it.

00:39:12Guest:You know?

00:39:15Guest:Yeah, I like getting it.

00:39:16Guest:I don't like giving it.

00:39:20Marc:But how hard do you like to get it?

00:39:25Guest:Pretty hard.

00:39:26Guest:God damn it.

00:39:30Marc:But like, you know, pull your hair hard?

00:39:33Guest:Yeah.

00:39:36Guest:Yeah.

00:39:39Guest:Mark.

00:39:39Marc:It's all right.

00:39:40Guest:It's all right.

00:39:41Guest:I just feel like every podcast I go in, I end up talking about sex a lot.

00:39:45Marc:Why?

00:39:45Guest:Even though I don't have that much of it.

00:39:48Guest:And I'm certainly not good at it.

00:39:49Marc:Yeah.

00:39:50Guest:I didn't have sex until 21.

00:39:53Marc:That's not late.

00:39:54Guest:Yeah, that's pretty late.

00:39:55Guest:Really?

00:39:55Guest:For a girl.

00:39:56Guest:Really?

00:39:57Guest:Who thinks that's late?

00:40:00Guest:That's a lot of people.

00:40:04Guest:It's pretty late.

00:40:05Marc:Really?

00:40:06Marc:How old were you when you had sex, Sean?

00:40:07Marc:Do you remember?

00:40:08Guest:I was 18.

00:40:11Marc:And how was that for you?

00:40:12Guest:Oh, it was great.

00:40:15Guest:It was great.

00:40:16Marc:Did you have a handle on it?

00:40:18Marc:Was it quick?

00:40:18Guest:No, I was not quick.

00:40:21Guest:Not quick?

00:40:21Guest:Well, it was like frightening.

00:40:24Guest:My father was there yelling.

00:40:27Guest:It's horrible.

00:40:28Guest:It's horrible.

00:40:30Guest:Just egging you on?

00:40:31Guest:Yeah, just saying, what are you doing?

00:40:34Guest:You're doing it wrong.

00:40:35Guest:Let me show you.

00:40:37Guest:He came in at one point.

00:40:39Guest:It was horrifying.

00:40:41Guest:Then he was dressed as a horse.

00:40:42Guest:It was a weird time.

00:40:44Guest:A lot of strange traditions in my family, but... Okay, but honestly... Yes.

00:40:51Marc:Like, I don't want to be personal, but just pretend like everyone's not here.

00:40:56Marc:Okay.

00:40:56Marc:Are you okay?

00:40:57Guest:Yeah.

00:40:58Marc:All right, so the first time for you, was it bad?

00:41:01Guest:No.

00:41:02Guest:It was... For a while, I just... God.

00:41:07Marc:What?

00:41:07Guest:It was a comedian.

00:41:08Guest:I was doing comedy before I had sex, so that's why I feel like it was maybe a little bit late.

00:41:12Marc:Oh, so you went through the ritual.

00:41:16Marc:That's how you got in the club.

00:41:17Marc:You fucked a comic.

00:41:19Guest:No.

00:41:20Marc:No, I'm not saying you weren't funny or anything, but I'm saying you fucked a comic.

00:41:23Guest:Who is that?

00:41:24Marc:It's the comic you fucked.

00:41:26Guest:Jared?

00:41:29Jared?

00:41:30Marc:But like, did you like after that, did you fuck any more comics or were you like, that's it?

00:41:34Guest:Exclusively.

00:41:34Marc:Oh, really?

00:41:35Guest:It's just started.

00:41:37Guest:That's all.

00:41:38Guest:That's only who I date.

00:41:39Guest:Yeah.

00:41:40Guest:Really?

00:41:40Guest:Yeah.

00:41:41Guest:It sucks.

00:41:42Guest:I can't get out.

00:41:43Marc:Have you tried?

00:41:44Guest:I'm trying so hard to date normies.

00:41:47Marc:How does that work out?

00:41:49Guest:That's what I'm calling you.

00:41:50Guest:It's not good.

00:41:53Guest:Because then I go on a date with them.

00:41:55Guest:They usually see me at a show, email me.

00:41:57Guest:Because I don't know how to meet people outside of the comedy club or whatever.

00:42:00Guest:I don't know.

00:42:01Guest:And then I'll give them a chance and we go on a date.

00:42:03Guest:And then on the third date it'll come out that they stand up and want to try it.

00:42:07Guest:And then they pitch me a joke and I just stare at them.

00:42:10Yeah.

00:42:11Marc:Like they have a little dick?

00:42:12Guest:Yep.

00:42:14Marc:They'd throw you a joke and you're just like... Ugh.

00:42:18Guest:And then that's just as bad as... Yeah, as dating... It's a wannabe comedian.

00:42:23Guest:It's even worse.

00:42:26Guest:I don't understand how people date normal people.

00:42:28Guest:Me neither.

00:42:29Marc:I've never... Both of them... You've got one!

00:42:31Marc:No.

00:42:31Marc:My first wife, I met at my brother's wedding and I looked at her and she was the maid of honor.

00:42:36Marc:I was the best man and I thought, if that bitch has taken my brother, I'm taking her friend.

00:42:40Marc:And...

00:42:41Marc:that's how that went down the second wife was a fan and a comic and uh the if i slip and say wife i'm never going to hear the end of it the woman i'm dating now i met because she emailed me and she had seen me and enjoyed my podcast i don't think i've ever been on a fucking date in my entire life i wouldn't know how to do it i don't know what you're doing you know i mean to me like date a date is a it's just about fucking right

00:43:09Guest:No, no.

00:43:10Guest:That's what it's not about.

00:43:11Guest:That's why it's weird.

00:43:14Marc:See, I don't even understand that.

00:43:15Marc:Like, okay, we're out to dinner.

00:43:16Marc:We're going to fuck, right?

00:43:18Yeah.

00:43:20Marc:We're going to at least figure out whether or not we have a hot chemistry.

00:43:23Guest:Yeah.

00:43:24Marc:And if we're not going to fuck, we'll do everything else, like pretending like that somehow having boundaries.

00:43:29Guest:Yeah.

00:43:30Guest:I guess you're right.

00:43:31Guest:And I'm dating sober, which is just no.

00:43:35Guest:So this sober thing is for real.

00:43:36Guest:Yeah, it's for real.

00:43:37Guest:And I've never had sex sober up until just recently.

00:43:42Guest:Oh, my God.

00:43:43Guest:Yeah.

00:43:44Guest:That's crazy.

00:43:45Guest:Yeah.

00:43:45Guest:I'm not saying that I've never had sex sober.

00:43:48Guest:And don't judge me.

00:43:49Guest:I think that if you ask yourselves this, I've never had sex sober for the first time with someone.

00:43:56Mm-hmm.

00:43:57Guest:before think think about it to yourselves so the first time even a couple beers it makes it easy it's so awkward to have sex sober yes why because you can see and smell everything and feel oh you can feel it's too much it's gross and you don't like i when i got sober i jerked off a lot

00:44:20Guest:Yeah, I don't do that.

00:44:21Marc:At all?

00:44:22Guest:No.

00:44:22Marc:Weird.

00:44:23Guest:I know.

00:44:24Marc:But why?

00:44:25Guest:I just didn't know it was a thing that anyone did.

00:44:29Guest:I really didn't.

00:44:31Marc:But you have the toy right there.

00:44:33Guest:I know.

00:44:34Guest:And I mean, as a kid, I remember touching myself, but I would just like find an itch and scratch it and be done.

00:44:42Marc:That's what I tell myself, too.

00:44:44Marc:Like, I'm just scratching an itch.

00:44:45Guest:Yeah, that's what it felt like.

00:44:47Guest:But it wasn't... Yeah, I just didn't know.

00:44:50Guest:And then it came out that all my girlfriends were doing it, and I had... I just... And I try to do it, but I just can't.

00:44:57Marc:What happens?

00:44:57Guest:You feel... I just fake an orgasm by myself.

00:45:01Guest:It's the saddest.

00:45:03Guest:I've really done that.

00:45:05Guest:No, you haven't.

00:45:05Guest:Because I don't...

00:45:11Guest:Yeah.

00:45:16Marc:Sean?

00:45:18Guest:Have you tried the pie?

00:45:21Guest:It's really good.

00:45:21Guest:I will.

00:45:25Marc:Nikki Glaser, ladies and gentlemen.

00:45:29Marc:Want to move down one?

00:45:31Marc:Sean, I'm happy you're here.

00:45:32Marc:Thank you, Nikki.

00:45:36Marc:Oh, my God.

00:45:36Marc:Sean, I think we have a kindred spirit here.

00:45:40Marc:Do you know Glenn?

00:45:42Guest:Yeah.

00:45:42Guest:No.

00:45:43Guest:No, I don't know.

00:45:45Marc:Oh, I met him just backstage.

00:45:46Marc:This, I think, is going to be a unique and interesting thing that's going to happen here.

00:45:51Guest:So you want me to be quiet, right?

00:45:52Marc:No, no.

00:45:54Marc:I want you and Glenn to really meet each other.

00:45:57Marc:Ladies and gentlemen, this guy is one of my favorite comics.

00:46:01Marc:He travels all around the world.

00:46:02Marc:I don't even know where the fuck he lives.

00:46:04Marc:Glenn Wool, ladies and gentlemen.

00:46:06Thank you.

00:46:11Marc:Hi, Glenn.

00:46:17Guest:It's nice to see you, man.

00:46:18Guest:Yeah, it's good to be here.

00:46:20Guest:Do you know Sean?

00:46:21Guest:Yes, I do.

00:46:22Guest:We've met many, many times over many, many years, and he didn't remember me like a dick.

00:46:27Marc:Jesus.

00:46:28Marc:It seems to me that there's something, there's an energy here that I feel like if the two of you joined your energy, everyone would be confused and laughing a lot.

00:46:36Marc:I don't know.

00:46:36Guest:Do you think so?

00:46:37Guest:Where are you?

00:46:38Guest:You're from Canada, right?

00:46:39Guest:No, but we've met in England a bunch of times, too.

00:46:41Guest:Yeah, that's where I've met.

00:46:42Guest:Yeah, you...

00:46:43Guest:England is another country, right?

00:46:45Guest:It is another place where people meet.

00:46:47Guest:It is.

00:46:50Guest:You did.

00:46:51Marc:I knew this would work out.

00:46:53Marc:I knew it.

00:46:54Marc:I knew they were meant to talk to each other.

00:46:57Marc:Glenn.

00:46:57Marc:We know each other.

00:46:58Marc:Okay.

00:46:59Marc:All right.

00:46:59Marc:Is there anger here?

00:47:01Marc:Not at all.

00:47:02Guest:I don't think there's anger.

00:47:03Guest:Not until he denied knowing me.

00:47:04Guest:So I met him backstage.

00:47:06Guest:Ha, ha, ha, ha.

00:47:07Guest:Oh, my God.

00:47:09Guest:This is horrible.

00:47:10Guest:Don't invoke him.

00:47:11Guest:This is horrible.

00:47:12Guest:I really... I'm sorry.

00:47:14Guest:Have you... There's buttons.

00:47:15Guest:There's pie.

00:47:17Guest:Anything I can do... None of those will make up for what you did.

00:47:20Guest:All right, then.

00:47:21Guest:Go fuck yourself, wall.

00:47:22Guest:How's that?

00:47:24Guest:You remember this?

00:47:25Guest:Go fuck yourself.

00:47:26Guest:You remember this?

00:47:27Guest:This was England.

00:47:28Guest:Bullshit.

00:47:31Guest:This was England.

00:47:38Marc:So, Glenn.

00:47:38Marc:Yes.

00:47:40Marc:You want some pie?

00:47:41Guest:No.

00:47:41Guest:Why?

00:47:42Guest:Gluten-free.

00:47:42Marc:Oh, that's what you chose to give up.

00:47:47Marc:Good for you.

00:47:49Marc:Still smoking?

00:47:50Marc:Yep.

00:47:51Marc:Okay.

00:47:53Marc:Still drinking?

00:47:54Marc:Yep.

00:47:55Marc:Okay.

00:47:55Marc:Still doing the occasional... Who's asking?

00:48:01Guest:Here I am, pirate man.

00:48:04Guest:So no gluten?

00:48:05Guest:No, not so much that.

00:48:07Guest:Yeah, it just makes you shit weird, man.

00:48:10Marc:Gluten does.

00:48:11Marc:You've tracked it to that.

00:48:12Marc:You smoke and you drink a lot of alcohol and you've decided that you shit weird because of bread.

00:48:17Guest:No, I know I shit weird because of bread and don't bring up my scot like you know better.

00:48:29Guest:Oh, you want to test this out?

00:48:32Marc:What does shit weird mean exactly?

00:48:35Guest:Well, you see, this is what happens when you tell people you've gone gluten-free.

00:48:39Guest:It's usually over dinner, and they're like, why?

00:48:41Guest:Why?

00:48:41Guest:Why did you do that?

00:48:42Guest:Was it impossible?

00:48:43Guest:And you're just like, well, you know, there's just reasons, and you don't want to get into it, because it is like a Jackson Pollock-like shit that you're trying to avoid talking about at the dinner table.

00:48:54Guest:But...

00:48:55Guest:Sometimes you just get pressured into it, so now you have to know.

00:48:58Marc:So you have a weed allergy?

00:49:01Guest:I think so, yeah.

00:49:02Guest:Well, it's called celiacs, and my mother checked it out, and apparently... So you called your mother and said, I'm shitting weird, could you do some research?

00:49:11Guest:Yeah, no, I just, I send her the photos.

00:49:15Guest:Something's just hard to say to mom.

00:49:19Guest:Did you send them across the Christmas table?

00:49:23Marc:I pictured you mailing to them, mailing the photos without a note and just waiting for the call.

00:49:27Marc:Yeah.

00:49:28Marc:Glenn, I got the thing you sent.

00:49:30Guest:Thank you.

00:49:31Guest:I know.

00:49:31Guest:Yeah.

00:49:32Marc:I think I'm eating wrong.

00:49:34Guest:Yeah.

00:49:34Guest:That's my mom.

00:49:35Guest:She'd know exactly who sent them to.

00:49:38Marc:I just broke my second spoon, Heather.

00:49:41Marc:It's okay.

00:49:42Guest:That's all right, man.

00:49:43Marc:Where have you been, man?

00:49:45Guest:I just came from Glasgow.

00:49:47Marc:They drink there.

00:49:48Marc:Holy shit.

00:49:50Marc:I've never seen drunk people like that in my life.

00:49:52Marc:It's almost like there's literally, am I wrong?

00:49:55Marc:Like where you, like it's three in the morning and there's literally people vomiting on the street and other people going, yeah, that's what we do.

00:50:02Guest:Yeah, man.

00:50:04Guest:You should go to Wales.

00:50:05Guest:That's the worst.

00:50:07Guest:In Cardiff, in Wales, they have a thing called Chip Alley, which is where they go to feed when they're drunk.

00:50:16Guest:You can imagine what sort of mess.

00:50:19Guest:that makes us drunks try to eat fried potatoes and like just missing and you're just slipping everywhere and then the vomiting starts you've got some of the most perplexed seagulls in the world going we should want to eat it but we don't so like you come from canada originally i do and you ran away

00:50:45Guest:no i just fucked off for a while i'm back now sort of i like coming back to canada where'd you grow up here uh i was born in mississauga uh two years there five years in the yukon five years in saskatchewan and are these all like like every name you're mentioning yes mark their places

00:51:09Guest:No, they're all suburbs of Toronto.

00:51:18Marc:But no, but are they like, those sound like places where there are bears.

00:51:25Guest:We've got to the root of what you fear.

00:51:29Guest:But am I right?

00:51:30Guest:There are bears everywhere in this country.

00:51:33Guest:Is that true?

00:51:33Guest:Not in Saskatchewan, no.

00:51:34Guest:There's no bears in Saskatchewan.

00:51:36Guest:Well, there are homosexuals everywhere.

00:51:38LAUGHTER

00:51:41Guest:Not in Saskatchewan, my friend.

00:51:46Guest:No homosexual would wear a melon on their head.

00:51:50Guest:That's a Rough Riders joke, by the way.

00:51:53Marc:Now I'm lost completely.

00:51:59Marc:What is a Rough Rider melon head?

00:52:01Guest:It's their big football team.

00:52:03Guest:Oh, shit.

00:52:05Guest:Football.

00:52:06Guest:It's like the cheese heads, but they cake a watermelon, cut it in half and scoop it out, put it on their head like a helmet.

00:52:15Guest:I went to the Grey Cup in Edmonton two years ago, and I misdressed for the occasion.

00:52:23Guest:It was like November in Edmonton, Commonwealth Field, and I wore some pants that I'd bought in England.

00:52:33Guest:Like skinny?

00:52:34Guest:Skinny jeans?

00:52:35Guest:Sort of skinny-esque jeans.

00:52:37Guest:And I walked up to my seat and a dude in a snowmobile suit with a melon on his head looked at me and just went, what a fucking idiot.

00:52:57Marc:Did he get support?

00:52:59Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:53:00Guest:Nobody thought.

00:53:01Guest:Hey, you're not looking at it the way he's put that all together.

00:53:07Guest:I didn't even have a team in the race.

00:53:09Guest:I just like going to the Grey Cup.

00:53:12Guest:Although I did book tickets for last year's Grey Cup in Vancouver when my BC Lions were 1-5 and didn't look like they'd be making the playoffs, let alone the Grey Cup.

00:53:25Guest:But that's what happens when you believe in a

00:53:27Guest:Fucking team.

00:53:29Guest:Because we won.

00:53:33Guest:Yeah.

00:53:35Guest:What sport are we talking?

00:53:44Guest:I'm not going to tell you.

00:53:45Guest:You just eat your little pie.

00:53:49Guest:It's CFL.

00:53:50Guest:Three down football.

00:53:52Guest:That's soccer.

00:53:56Marc:Right?

00:53:56Marc:It's not like regular football?

00:53:59Marc:Like Americans?

00:54:00Guest:No, man.

00:54:04Guest:It's where America used to send quarterbacks when they were gay, drug addicts, or black.

00:54:12Marc:So it's football.

00:54:13Guest:Yeah.

00:54:15Marc:Oh, really?

00:54:16Marc:This was like, that's how they got rid of that?

00:54:17Guest:Warren Moon.

00:54:18Guest:He was a very famous CFLer.

00:54:20Marc:Okay.

00:54:21Marc:So you're a sports guy.

00:54:23Guest:No, I don't follow it at all.

00:54:28Guest:These were all just very good guesses.

00:54:35Guest:Was I right?

00:54:41Guest:You should have told me I would have taken you to an Alouette's game.

00:54:45Guest:Is that football?

00:54:48Guest:No, they all sing that song.

00:54:51It's not football.

00:54:53Guest:I found out the actual words to Alouette.

00:54:56Guest:It's fucking weird, man.

00:54:59Guest:Then we take the other feather, then we'll get the other feather.

00:55:04Marc:Is that true?

00:55:05Guest:Yeah.

00:55:06Guest:It's like a plucking a bird.

00:55:08Marc:It's a plucking a bird song?

00:55:09Marc:Yeah.

00:55:11Guest:I don't know for sure, but I thought that's true.

00:55:13Marc:Someone knows.

00:55:14Marc:Is that true?

00:55:14Guest:Yeah.

00:55:15Guest:Where could we find someone who spoke French?

00:55:19Yeah.

00:55:19Guest:First you pluck the feathers from the head, then you pluck the feathers from the leg.

00:55:25Guest:From the head, from the leg.

00:55:29Guest:Can we sing the whole song?

00:55:31Guest:Alouette, gentille alouette.

00:55:36Guest:Alouette, je te plumerai.

00:55:38Guest:Je te plumerai.

00:55:40Guest:Glenn Wool, ladies and gentlemen.

00:56:07Marc:Okay.

00:56:08Marc:You good?

00:56:10Okay.

00:56:13Marc:Everybody good?

00:56:14Marc:You're farther away from me now.

00:56:17Marc:Sean.

00:56:18Guest:I'm perfectly fine.

00:56:20Guest:You are?

00:56:20Guest:I am perfectly fine.

00:56:21Guest:I just didn't know what I should do.

00:56:23Marc:I think it worked out, though.

00:56:24Guest:I'm sorry.

00:56:25Guest:Glenn and I had such a hard time together there.

00:56:28Guest:No, it wasn't.

00:56:29Guest:We were having fun.

00:56:30Guest:Yeah, I guess.

00:56:33Guest:No, it's been great.

00:56:34Guest:It's been great.

00:56:35Guest:We sang together.

00:56:36Guest:Yeah, we did.

00:56:37Guest:This was like Fleetwood Mac right at the end.

00:56:41Marc:That's right.

00:56:42Marc:All right, I'm going to bring out our next guest who's extremely popular in the Americas.

00:56:50Marc:Very funny man.

00:56:51Marc:He's on the popular show Whitney.

00:56:53Marc:Please welcome Chris D'Elia to the stage.

00:56:55Thank you.

00:56:58Marc:Look at that guy.

00:56:59Marc:This is the longest show ever.

00:57:02Marc:What's up, buddy?

00:57:03Guest:What's up, man?

00:57:03Guest:How you doing?

00:57:04Marc:Chris D'Elia.

00:57:05Guest:Hi, guys.

00:57:07Marc:So, I know you've got to go do Neil's show.

00:57:09Marc:You know, me and Neil have talked on this show.

00:57:11Guest:Yeah, he told me, actually.

00:57:13Marc:Do you know the Neil Brennan episode?

00:57:14Marc:Anybody?

00:57:15Marc:Okay.

00:57:16Marc:And you and Neil are friends.

00:57:17Marc:Yeah, we're buddies.

00:57:18Marc:And me and Neil are okay now, too, as well.

00:57:20Marc:Were you not buddies?

00:57:21Marc:Did you listen to the show?

00:57:22Marc:I didn't hear that one, no.

00:57:23Marc:No.

00:57:23Marc:Is it easy for you and Neil?

00:57:25Marc:Seriously.

00:57:26Marc:You've never had an issue with Neil where you were like, come on, Neil, fucking lighten up.

00:57:31Yeah.

00:57:31Guest:Man, you came right out the gates with this, huh?

00:57:35Guest:Jesus.

00:57:36Guest:No, he and I have always been cool.

00:57:39Guest:I've never had a weird thing with him.

00:57:40Guest:I will say, though, that him and I have never actually hung out one-on-one.

00:57:45Guest:So maybe that's... So it's always been... But I've always thought Neil's cool, yeah.

00:57:49Marc:I see you all the time.

00:57:50Marc:I don't see you really hanging out with anybody.

00:57:51Marc:You sort of drift in by yourself.

00:57:52Marc:You've got a hoodie on, and then you drift away.

00:57:54Marc:You okay?

00:57:57You okay?

00:57:57Guest:I thought the last question was right out the gates.

00:58:00Guest:I, yeah, I feel like, I mean, I'm okay.

00:58:04Guest:Okay, good.

00:58:04Guest:I mean, I'm also not okay, though, right?

00:58:06Marc:Sure, yeah, in what ways?

00:58:07Marc:That sounds fun.

00:58:08Guest:I guess I always feel like, and I always feel like an outsider.

00:58:12Guest:Yeah, me too.

00:58:13Guest:Yeah.

00:58:13Guest:It's fucking weird, right?

00:58:14Guest:Yeah, I don't know.

00:58:15Guest:And then especially like you always see me at the comedy store in Los Angeles.

00:58:17Guest:So that's always when people want to talk to you that you're like, oh, okay, cool.

00:58:21Guest:Yeah, great.

00:58:21Guest:Well, I'll catch you later.

00:58:23Guest:You know what I mean?

00:58:24Guest:Thanks for sharing.

00:58:24Guest:I'm sure I was that guy when I was talking to you.

00:58:26Marc:Well, you're always one of those guys because I've seen you around for a long time and we always said hi together.

00:58:31Marc:And then we not got hi, but we said hi.

00:58:33Marc:And then you go away and I'm like, what's going on in that guy?

00:58:36Marc:And then I never answered the question.

00:58:37Guest:Yeah.

00:58:37Marc:But you grew up in Hollywood.

00:58:38Marc:Yeah.

00:58:39Marc:Yeah, since I was 12.

00:58:41Marc:And you come from a show business family?

00:58:42Guest:Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:58:43Guest:My dad's a director and a producer, yeah.

00:58:45Marc:So you lived in that shit?

00:58:46Guest:Yeah.

00:58:47Marc:And what was like growing up in Hollywood, your dad's in show business, what are your memories that everybody would go like, no fucking way to?

00:58:54Marc:What do you mean?

00:58:56Marc:Like celebrity?

00:58:57Marc:Maybe someone crying at your house or running naked in a pool?

00:59:02Guest:No, it wasn't like that.

00:59:02Guest:I didn't have that.

00:59:03Guest:My dad's always been like, I mean, he's married and he's been like, you know, he's not like the crazy bachelor that's just been like, and they're still together.

00:59:09Guest:I know it's bullshit.

00:59:10Guest:It's not fun to talk about.

00:59:11Marc:But what movie did he direct?

00:59:12Guest:Oh, he does TV.

00:59:13Guest:He ran like Boston Legal, Ally McBeal.

00:59:17Guest:Ally McBeal.

00:59:18Guest:Yeah.

00:59:18Guest:Please clap.

00:59:19Guest:Otherwise, yeah.

00:59:20Guest:Nothing.

00:59:20Guest:They don't get it here.

00:59:21Guest:They don't get it here.

00:59:21Guest:They didn't get it here.

00:59:22Guest:They'd get everything here eventually.

00:59:23Guest:No, no, no.

00:59:23Guest:You guys didn't get Ally McBeal.

00:59:24Marc:Ally McBeal, that's the one with the dancing baby, right?

00:59:26Marc:Chicago Hope, yeah.

00:59:27Marc:Yeah, the weird dancing baby and the anorexic lady.

00:59:29Guest:Yeah.

00:59:31Yeah.

00:59:31Guest:i can't confirm that but when when you started doing comedy you were like well that i think here's i think that's why one of the reasons why i started doing it because they don't give a shit about who your dad is if you're on stage i don't yeah yeah you're laughing or if you're funny if not you're not you know i think that when i started doing stand-up like six six and a half years ago uh that was my outlet yeah before that i think i was probably fucking really annoying to be around

00:59:57Guest:For real.

00:59:58Guest:And then once I got on stage, I had that outlet where I was like, okay, cool.

01:00:01Guest:That's where my adrenaline would peak, and then I'd get off stage, and I'd be like, the weird guy with the hoodie on mine.

01:00:05Guest:You know what I mean?

01:00:05Guest:That's when you saw me.

01:00:06Marc:How did you annoy people?

01:00:07Marc:Like, you'd be hanging out with people, and you'd be like, what?

01:00:10Guest:What?

01:00:10Guest:No, I mean, I wasn't that guy, but I was like, although I do know that guy.

01:00:14Guest:Yeah, I'm right here.

01:00:16Guest:I think I was just always looking for an opportunity to make a joke even if people didn't want me to.

01:00:22Guest:Right.

01:00:22Guest:You know?

01:00:22Guest:Yeah.

01:00:23Guest:Like a guy that you would probably fucking hate.

01:00:25Guest:Yeah.

01:00:26Guest:Yeah.

01:00:26Guest:Yeah, I think I might have at the beginning.

01:00:28Guest:I think I don't like that guy.

01:00:30Guest:Do you know what I mean?

01:00:30Guest:Now we're getting somewhere.

01:00:32Marc:Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:00:33Marc:But, okay, so when you do like a big TV show.

01:00:35Guest:yeah are things changing do people come up to you and go oh there's that fucking guy yeah yeah yeah and and what do you say to that um if if they're like cool i love it you know it's one of the cool things about it but if they're like some people some people like they act like you owe them something and that's they're like hey man we got to get a picture it's like i don't really need to

01:00:57Guest:You know, I'm cool without it.

01:01:00Guest:But no, no, no, my girl.

01:01:03Guest:This is my favorite now.

01:01:04Guest:Hey, you know, I don't even really like stuff like that, but you know what?

01:01:07Guest:You're okay, dude.

01:01:08Guest:Like, oh, I won you over?

01:01:10Guest:Who the fuck are you?

01:01:12Guest:I don't care.

01:01:14Guest:I don't mean to be a dick, but, you know.

01:01:16Marc:Do you say that to them?

01:01:19Guest:I'm at the point now where I'm almost ready to say something like that.

01:01:25Guest:But I don't want to be like the dick.

01:01:27Guest:Right.

01:01:27Guest:But I want to be real.

01:01:28Guest:I don't want to be like just happy fucking.

01:01:31Guest:Thank you very much.

01:01:32Guest:That's very cool.

01:01:33Guest:But if you're a little bit of a dick.

01:01:35Guest:I don't like when people come up to me after a show and it's like, they're like with their girl.

01:01:38Guest:Yeah.

01:01:38Guest:So they got to be like cool.

01:01:39Guest:Yeah.

01:01:39Guest:So they're like, hey, man, that's pretty funny.

01:01:42Guest:Yeah.

01:01:42Guest:It was better than that.

01:01:44Guest:Do you know what I'm talking about?

01:01:49Guest:Was this a mistake to ask you this?

01:01:50Guest:No, I think you're right.

01:01:53Guest:People don't ever really appreciate how amazing you really are.

01:01:57Guest:Thank you very much.

01:01:57Guest:Thank you.

01:02:01Guest:That's all I was trying to get at.

01:02:06Guest:Don't make Mark break another spoon.

01:02:09Marc:I'm waiting for you to kick some guy's ass.

01:02:11Marc:I think that'd be great.

01:02:12Guest:No, I can't.

01:02:13Marc:I got... No, but you'd get in the gossip column.

01:02:16Guest:I know, but that's not good.

01:02:18Marc:But if you want to fucking just boom, and then like, Chris Dewey is a Hollywood bad boy.

01:02:22Marc:Look out.

01:02:23Marc:You don't want to be that guy?

01:02:24Guest:No, I mean, I guess that would be kind of cool.

01:02:26Guest:Yeah.

01:02:27Marc:I say fucking kick some guy.

01:02:28Guest:No, no, no.

01:02:28Guest:That's bad.

01:02:29Guest:You're fucking right now the red guy on my shoulder.

01:02:31Marc:Yeah, I know.

01:02:32Guest:That's not good.

01:02:33Guest:That's not good at all.

01:02:34Marc:But you've almost done it?

01:02:35Marc:Have you ever kicked some guy's ass before?

01:02:37Marc:No.

01:02:37Marc:Really?

01:02:38Marc:No.

01:02:38Marc:Yeah, really.

01:02:39Marc:Me neither.

01:02:40Marc:Really?

01:02:40Marc:Gwen probably has.

01:02:41Marc:Have you kicked some guy's ass?

01:02:43Marc:Yeah.

01:02:46Guest:The bracelet.

01:02:47Guest:He's got a spike bracelet.

01:02:48Guest:I know, but you know.

01:02:49Guest:You cannot wear that if you haven't fought somebody.

01:02:51Guest:No, I won this.

01:02:52Ha, ha, ha.

01:02:56Guest:That was some other guys who was the fighter, and then he got it.

01:02:58Marc:But it's where some dudes, like, you know, I don't think I'm a badass, but I think, like, you know, I'm cocky, and you're pretty cocky, and people would assume that maybe, maybe not me, but I would assume maybe you've gotten into a fight before.

01:03:07Marc:But you look at Glenn, and you're like, you know that guy's fucking gotten into a fight before.

01:03:11Marc:Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:03:11Marc:I think, Sean, maybe when you were younger.

01:03:14Guest:Well, I convinced someone to kick their own ass at one point.

01:03:18Guest:It's like Jedi shit, yeah.

01:03:19Guest:Yeah, that's right.

01:03:21Guest:Your ass you want to kick.

01:03:22Guest:Yeah.

01:03:24Guest:This is the ass you want to kick.

01:03:28Guest:That's good.

01:03:34Guest:I don't like fighting.

01:03:36Guest:We're beyond that.

01:03:38Marc:You seem like the kind of guy that someone has done this to you.

01:03:40Marc:What's up?

01:03:43Marc:You know what?

01:03:44Guest:You're fucking buff, man.

01:03:46Guest:Thanks.

01:03:47Guest:They're both like that.

01:03:52Guest:I will tell you

01:03:55Guest:Really, both of them?

01:03:56Guest:Yeah.

01:03:57Guest:You don't just do one?

01:03:58Guest:No, you fuck me up.

01:03:58Guest:I like to do just one.

01:04:00Guest:Yeah.

01:04:00Guest:No, I've never had somebody do that to me.

01:04:03Guest:Really?

01:04:04Guest:Yeah.

01:04:04Guest:And I think it's because I'm like, I have this thing where it's like, I'm a peaceful dude.

01:04:11Guest:Yeah.

01:04:12Guest:Maybe from afar you're like, fuck that guy.

01:04:14Guest:Yeah, I am.

01:04:15Guest:Yeah.

01:04:17Guest:But when you come, why would you want to fight me?

01:04:19Guest:I would be like, what are you doing?

01:04:21Marc:Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:04:22Marc:Glenn, how does a fight unfold?

01:04:24Guest:Yeah, like how... I just punch someone in the back of the head.

01:04:32Guest:So you start it?

01:04:33Guest:Yeah.

01:04:33Guest:Wait till they're not looking.

01:04:34Guest:I don't... Yeah.

01:04:36Marc:So you're a back of the head punch guy?

01:04:38Guest:No.

01:04:39Guest:No, you wouldn't.

01:04:40Marc:But when you got into a fight, let's just go with one.

01:04:42Marc:How many of you had a lot?

01:04:45Marc:No, not a lot, no.

01:04:47Marc:Okay, so what happened?

01:04:49Guest:The dude punched me.

01:04:52Guest:We were getting out of a cab, and he punched me, like, from behind.

01:04:57Guest:Yeah.

01:04:58Guest:Why?

01:04:59Guest:Well, it was my fault.

01:05:01Guest:He was a cab driver?

01:05:02Guest:No.

01:05:04Guest:We were driving.

01:05:07Guest:We were all in the back of a cab, and we were going from a comedy club to the hotel, and he said...

01:05:15Guest:Just like a weird thing.

01:05:17Guest:He went, what I would give to see my daughter on that street corner right now.

01:05:24Marc:He said that as a joke, I guess.

01:05:26Guest:Well, no, like he just missed his daughter.

01:05:28Marc:Oh, okay.

01:05:32Guest:Okay.

01:05:37Guest:And I told him to give her a few years.

01:05:42Guest:Oh, all right.

01:05:46Guest:I was a bit drunk at the time.

01:05:49Guest:But yeah, so he punched me when I was getting out of the cab.

01:05:55Guest:And I think he thought that would cause like a poop and poop, but it just hurt.

01:06:00Guest:So I turned around and said, don't do that.

01:06:05Guest:So I punched him back and I won.

01:06:10Marc:There you go.

01:06:11Marc:That's how it's done.

01:06:13Marc:So, Chris.

01:06:14Marc:Yeah.

01:06:16Marc:Are you going to do movies?

01:06:18Guest:You sound like my mom.

01:06:21Guest:Why weren't you in that?

01:06:23Guest:You know?

01:06:23Guest:Why weren't you in that?

01:06:24Guest:Oh, I should have fucking called.

01:06:26Guest:Universal.

01:06:27Guest:Why didn't I call?

01:06:29Guest:Oh, it was between me and Channing Tatum.

01:06:32Guest:But, uh...

01:06:33Guest:Motherfucker, he got it.

01:06:35Marc:And your mom was in show business?

01:06:36Guest:No, I'm kidding.

01:06:37Guest:No, my mom does that.

01:06:38Guest:Yeah, I know.

01:06:38Guest:That's general mom.

01:06:39Marc:Yeah, it's ridiculous.

01:06:40Marc:They're like, my dad's like, you know, why don't you call Bill Maher?

01:06:43Marc:He's doing okay.

01:06:46Marc:What's the big plan?

01:06:48Marc:Do you want to play arenas or...

01:06:49Guest:No, I want to do... I don't want to do arenas.

01:06:53Guest:I want to do stand-up in clubs and theaters, and then I want to do... I want to do movies eventually, yeah, but just TV.

01:07:00Marc:Is there a part of you that's sort of like, no, I want to get done with this stand-up thing?

01:07:03Guest:No, not at all.

01:07:03Guest:Oh, good.

01:07:04Guest:It's my favorite thing to do.

01:07:06Marc:What do you do for a hobby, Chris?

01:07:07Marc:What makes you happy?

01:07:09Guest:I really like... This sounds super fucking lame, but I like to just sit around and drink coffee.

01:07:15Guest:I was right.

01:07:15Guest:It sounds lame.

01:07:16Guest:I don't know if it sounds lame.

01:07:18Guest:I mean, I don't know, man.

01:07:19Guest:I like to sit and be in a coffee shop and just kind of watch people.

01:07:23Guest:And that's it?

01:07:23Marc:Yeah.

01:07:24Marc:So you don't draw pictures or paint or do sports?

01:07:28Guest:No.

01:07:28Guest:I'm actually not a sports guy when you were talking about that.

01:07:30Guest:I don't know shit about it.

01:07:31Guest:I was with you on that.

01:07:32Guest:Yeah.

01:07:32Marc:On that discussion.

01:07:33Marc:See that, Glenn?

01:07:34Marc:There's more of us.

01:07:37Guest:I don't mind.

01:07:40Guest:You know, I don't ever question your like of not liking sport.

01:07:45Guest:Why do you question my like of sport?

01:07:48Guest:Why don't you get to the fucking core of that?

01:07:52Marc:I'll tell you why.

01:07:53Marc:Because people who like sports, in my mind, are mean, horrible people.

01:08:00Marc:And I didn't like you in high school.

01:08:02Marc:I didn't like you when I was a little kid.

01:08:04Marc:I didn't like you when I didn't play the game right and you made me cry.

01:08:08Marc:I didn't like you any of those times, Glenn.

01:08:11Marc:Glenn, you ruined my life with your sports clubbing bullshit.

01:08:15Marc:And I just don't fucking need to take it.

01:08:17Marc:I'm at a point in my life where I can, like, I did all right.

01:08:23Yeah!

01:08:29Guest:They're fighting.

01:08:30Guest:They're on each other.

01:08:31Guest:They're literally fighting on each other.

01:08:34Guest:They're fighting.

01:08:34Guest:They're making out.

01:08:35Guest:He's on top.

01:08:36Guest:Wait a minute.

01:08:37Guest:They're having intercourse.

01:08:40Guest:Mark won.

01:08:42Guest:Mark always wins.

01:08:45Guest:Oh, my God.

01:08:45Guest:You didn't know that was going to happen?

01:08:47Marc:Not only did I know that was going to happen, but he hit me hard.

01:08:50Marc:Like, it was like, if that was, like, for a minute when I felt him hit me just then, I'm like, this is fucking real.

01:08:57Guest:Yeah.

01:09:00Guest:It looked a little real.

01:09:01Guest:Did it look like that?

01:09:01Guest:It looked a little real.

01:09:02Marc:It looked a little real, and then I thought, like, I'm just going to surrender to it and see where it goes.

01:09:07Marc:I don't know where Glenn's at.

01:09:08Marc:He's, like, gluten deficient, and I could get hurt.

01:09:11Guest:Yeah, that's right.

01:09:12Guest:Good thing you didn't eat that pot.

01:09:13Guest:Imagine what I could have done with gluten.

01:09:15Guest:I think you probably would have shit all over him.

01:09:20Marc:Tag!

01:09:21Marc:Chris D'Elia, ladies and gentlemen.

01:09:24Marc:You got to run and do that show?

01:09:25Marc:I'll hang for whatever.

01:09:26Marc:It's five to one.

01:09:28Guest:All right, yeah, I guess I do.

01:09:28Guest:All right, buddy.

01:09:29Guest:Thanks for coming, man.

01:09:29Guest:Thank you, guys.

01:09:30Guest:Thank you very much.

01:09:32Marc:You got to go, too.

01:09:34Marc:Really?

01:09:34Marc:All right.

01:09:40Guest:Do you want to fight me now?

01:09:42Marc:No.

01:09:43Marc:Nikki, if you want to go, you can.

01:09:45Marc:Okay, you want to hang out?

01:09:46Guest:Yeah, I like this.

01:09:47Marc:Okay.

01:09:50Marc:Jesus, are you okay?

01:09:51Marc:No, I'm not.

01:09:52Marc:I'm not okay.

01:09:53Marc:Are you okay?

01:09:53Marc:Look how long this table is.

01:09:55Marc:I'm here with a pie and cookies.

01:09:56Guest:Would you want us to come back down?

01:09:58Marc:I don't know what I want you to do.

01:09:59Marc:I've got to get Godfrey out here.

01:10:00Guest:Just get your head straight.

01:10:01Marc:I'm trying.

01:10:02Marc:I just got tackled by an angry Canadian.

01:10:06Marc:Did you see him hurt me?

01:10:07Marc:Everybody's laughing.

01:10:08Marc:Was there any concern that Glenn might have fucking hurt me?

01:10:11Guest:No, he's Canadian.

01:10:13Guest:He would never hurt you.

01:10:16Guest:He would never hurt you.

01:10:23Marc:My last guest is a guy that I worked with in New York.

01:10:26Marc:I've always enjoyed him.

01:10:28Marc:He's a very dynamic performer, and there's a slight tension with us, so that should be good.

01:10:36Marc:Please welcome Godfrey to the stage.

01:10:51Guest:What's up?

01:10:52Guest:Yeah, please help me.

01:10:53Guest:I'm glad two whites left.

01:10:54Guest:Holy shit.

01:10:55Guest:This shit was white.

01:10:57Guest:You gotta make it about the race.

01:10:59Guest:I did make it about the race.

01:11:00Guest:You just made it about race.

01:11:02Guest:You made me last.

01:11:06Guest:It was already about race.

01:11:08Guest:That is exactly why I heard you last.

01:11:10Guest:We're in Montreal.

01:11:11Guest:It's not about race here.

01:11:14Guest:No, you're black.

01:11:16Guest:I'm a black dude.

01:11:20Guest:I'm a black dude.

01:11:23Guest:I like it.

01:11:23Guest:What the fuck?

01:11:24Guest:But not in Montreal.

01:11:26Guest:You're black, but you're not really.

01:11:28Guest:What does that mean?

01:11:29Guest:I don't know.

01:11:30Guest:Have you had that experience here?

01:11:32Guest:No.

01:11:33Guest:Their racism is like diet racism.

01:11:39Marc:Really?

01:11:39Marc:Because I think their black people come from a different place.

01:11:42Marc:They're Africans.

01:11:44Marc:Right.

01:11:44Marc:And other shit.

01:11:46Marc:There's not a slavery issue here.

01:11:47Guest:No.

01:11:47Guest:No, no.

01:11:49Guest:We're getting deep and shit.

01:11:52Guest:We're like, fuck.

01:11:53Guest:All this shit was fun until I got here.

01:11:56Guest:They were like, oh, no, it's Wraith again.

01:11:58Guest:No, but you used to talk about... It really wasn't all that fun.

01:12:04Marc:There's some bad stuff going on out here.

01:12:07Marc:What have you been doing lately?

01:12:10Guest:Shit, this.

01:12:12Guest:The festival.

01:12:13Guest:They have fucking every show.

01:12:14Guest:I did the ethnic show.

01:12:17Guest:I did the Say What?

01:12:18Guest:No, just kidding.

01:12:21Guest:That boy Funny Gala.

01:12:22Guest:No, just kidding.

01:12:24Guest:Hosted by D.L.

01:12:25Guest:Hewlett.

01:12:26Guest:No, just kidding.

01:12:27Guest:I'm just kidding.

01:12:29Guest:No, what I did... No, I did 12 ethnic shows.

01:12:34Guest:Who else?

01:12:34Guest:What were the other ethnicities?

01:12:36Guest:Jewish.

01:12:37Guest:No.

01:12:37Guest:Yes, it was Orny Adams.

01:12:40Guest:Oh.

01:12:40Guest:I didn't know he was ethnic.

01:12:41Guest:That's a stretch.

01:12:42Guest:Yes.

01:12:43Marc:A Jew in show business.

01:12:44Marc:Is a Jewish comic really an ethnic thing?

01:12:46Marc:Yes, it is.

01:12:47Marc:They complain.

01:12:50They complain.

01:12:50Marc:Yeah, well, you're ethnic of you, bitch.

01:12:52Marc:That's hilarious.

01:12:54Marc:That's like Siberia for a Jewish comic.

01:12:56Marc:You're on the ethnic show.

01:12:57Guest:Right, and then there's Frank Spadone, who's a Canadian guy, Italian.

01:13:01Guest:He did the Italian thing.

01:13:03Guest:That's ethnic?

01:13:04Guest:It's not real.

01:13:05Guest:It's just fucking, can you let me go through the flags?

01:13:08Yeah.

01:13:11Guest:Then there was a guy named Ron Jossel.

01:13:13Guest:He's from Toronto.

01:13:14Guest:Jossel.

01:13:15Guest:He's Filipino.

01:13:16Guest:That's getting... And then there's me and shit.

01:13:18Guest:And Maz Jabrani.

01:13:20Guest:That's ethnic.

01:13:21Guest:Iran.

01:13:21Guest:Yes.

01:13:22Guest:Yes.

01:13:22Guest:And he comes out... He does that shit.

01:13:25Guest:Yeah.

01:13:26Guest:He's a nice guy.

01:13:27Guest:Oh, no.

01:13:27Guest:He's fucking awesome.

01:13:28Guest:So that's the ethnic show.

01:13:29Guest:Yeah.

01:13:30Guest:And then I did the French gala.

01:13:32Guest:I did Mike Ward.

01:13:33Guest:Yeah.

01:13:34Guest:I think you all... Yeah.

01:13:35Guest:Yeah, Mike Ward.

01:13:36Guest:Do you speak French?

01:13:37Guest:Oui.

01:13:38Guest:You do?

01:13:39Guest:No.

01:13:40Guest:Okay.

01:13:41Guest:Well, I just, you know, I did some fucking, you know, you know, Bonsoir Montreal, that shit.

01:13:46Guest:That was your whole act?

01:13:47Guest:That's it.

01:13:49Guest:You just did your... But they fucking know English.

01:13:52Guest:They know English, dude.

01:13:53Guest:That's a bunch of bullshit.

01:13:54Guest:I'm not going to get into that.

01:13:56Guest:I'm getting into it.

01:13:57Guest:Fuck that.

01:13:58Guest:I'm last.

01:13:58Guest:I don't give a fuck.

01:14:04Guest:I was the first American, by the way.

01:14:07Guest:Thank you.

01:14:08Guest:Merci beaucoup.

01:14:10Guest:I want to hear the story now.

01:14:12Guest:I did two shows, and it was called Fuck Variety, right?

01:14:17Guest:And they said fuck variety.

01:14:18Guest:That was the theme of the thing was fuck variety.

01:14:21Guest:They're tired of variety shit.

01:14:23Guest:They're like, yeah, like, you know, music, people who play instruments, shit that you had.

01:14:28Guest:Crutch, shit like, yeah, miming.

01:14:30Guest:And they had midgets in the back.

01:14:33Guest:You guys call them manks?

01:14:34Guest:Manks?

01:14:35Guest:Manks?

01:14:36Guest:Right?

01:14:37Guest:And that's what it's called.

01:14:37Guest:Midget's called mank.

01:14:38Guest:Yeah.

01:14:39Guest:Nank.

01:14:40Guest:The motherfucker was... I was like, mank.

01:14:41Guest:He's like, no.

01:14:42Guest:Nank.

01:14:43Guest:Nank.

01:14:45Guest:It's... Nank.

01:14:45Guest:That's what they're called.

01:14:46Guest:Midget.

01:14:46Guest:So wait, were they... There's midgets in the back.

01:14:48Guest:It says fuck variety, but they did variety... They did fucking sketches on fucking variety.

01:14:54Guest:So they kept doing variety shit.

01:14:56Guest:But wait, were the midgets there just in case?

01:14:58Guest:No, they were...

01:14:59Guest:They were there doing... Like this isn't working out, bring out the midges?

01:15:03Guest:Yeah, they fucking did sketches.

01:15:05Guest:They're like, we're sick of sketches and blah, but you're doing sketches saying fuck sketches.

01:15:10Guest:Right.

01:15:11Guest:But what are the midges doing?

01:15:12Guest:They were carrying shit.

01:15:14Yeah.

01:15:15Guest:They were strong fucking midgets.

01:15:17Guest:They were like muscular midgets, like fucking... They were buff midgets.

01:15:20Guest:I'm not even lying.

01:15:21Guest:I'm not even trying to throw a bit out.

01:15:22Guest:They were fucking muscular midgets.

01:15:25Guest:And they were carrying shit.

01:15:26Guest:It was weird.

01:15:27Marc:Aren't we supposed to call them something else?

01:15:29Guest:Night.

01:15:29Guest:Oh, okay.

01:15:33Guest:Or little people.

01:15:33Marc:Or petite personne.

01:15:35Marc:Yeah, petite personne.

01:15:36Marc:Little people.

01:15:37Marc:Are you still living in New York?

01:15:39No.

01:15:39Guest:Yeah, I'm in New York still, you know, and you're in L.A., man.

01:15:42Guest:I am.

01:15:42Guest:That's why I haven't.

01:15:43Guest:This is my first time doing what the fuck.

01:15:45Guest:Everybody's done what the fuck.

01:15:47Guest:Everybody talks about what the fuck, which I give him a round of applause, which is awesome for you.

01:15:52Guest:You've earned it.

01:15:53Guest:I'm giving you props, Marc Maron.

01:15:56Guest:One of the most brilliant comics.

01:15:58Guest:He could be an asshole, but you a bad motherfucker.

01:16:01Guest:I gotta give you credit.

01:16:01Guest:I gotta give him credit.

01:16:03Guest:I can't say shit.

01:16:04Guest:I'm like, he's a fucking awesome comedian.

01:16:05Guest:Have I been an asshole to you?

01:16:07Guest:Oh, sure.

01:16:07Guest:But you're cool.

01:16:08Guest:No, but you're cool with me, though.

01:16:10Guest:But I know where it's coming from.

01:16:11Guest:Oh, really?

01:16:12Guest:Yeah!

01:16:13Guest:I mean, you're just you.

01:16:14Guest:That's you.

01:16:15Guest:Mark is such a fucking asshole.

01:16:19Guest:But it's cool, though, because you embody that shit, man.

01:16:22Guest:You're good at that shit.

01:16:24Guest:Is this a compliment?

01:16:25Guest:Yeah.

01:16:25Marc:Okay.

01:16:26Guest:But it's not a bad... It's like Orny Adams with that fake arrogant shit.

01:16:30Guest:I know where it's coming from.

01:16:32Marc:Yeah.

01:16:32Marc:Are you comparing me to Orny Adams?

01:16:34Guest:No, I'm not.

01:16:35Guest:I'm saying like you... I'll be like, what's up?

01:16:37Guest:You know there's something coming from you.

01:16:39Guest:I'll go, hey, what's up?

01:16:41Hmm.

01:16:42Guest:Here comes the black man.

01:16:45Guest:But I love it, though.

01:16:47Guest:I think you projected that.

01:16:48Guest:No, but you remember when I would go, we performed at the same club, the Comedy Cellar, for years.

01:16:53Guest:And after I would go up, asshole.

01:16:58Guest:Because I'm like an energetic comic.

01:17:00Guest:And he would go, did you like that black energy?

01:17:08Guest:Godfrey, just so energetic.

01:17:10Guest:Where are the jokes, fucker?

01:17:13Marc:I'm just saying something to that.

01:17:15Marc:I don't think I brought black.

01:17:16Marc:You didn't say it just like that.

01:17:17Guest:I don't think I brought black into it.

01:17:19Marc:I just wanted to have a laugh.

01:17:20Marc:As I recall, one of your bits, I think, I'm not even going to do the bit.

01:17:24Marc:But it just ended with you going, That's Dane Cook.

01:17:29Marc:No, no.

01:17:30Guest:No?

01:17:31Guest:No, that's because you were like that with the hand.

01:17:33Marc:Well, give me your version of the raptor dinosaur.

01:17:38Guest:That was pretty sweet.

01:17:39Guest:See, they dug that shit.

01:17:41Guest:I was talking about women that are so fucking ugly.

01:17:44Guest:See, now you just ruined it half of the joke.

01:17:45Guest:No, no.

01:17:46Guest:I said, it always worked.

01:17:48Guest:I said, it's a fucking regular, simple joke.

01:17:51Guest:And I said, yeah, don't go on a blind date.

01:17:53Guest:You know, always ask, how does a girl look?

01:17:55Guest:And I said, yeah.

01:17:56Guest:And you know how, when you ask a friend, hey, how does your friend look?

01:17:59Guest:Well, I think she's pretty.

01:18:00Guest:I go, you know what?

01:18:00Guest:fuck that means and that was half energy yeah you just see when I dive on the floor I've seen that go all the way up yeah I apologize for that because that's alright no I just you make us better though when you do that because you fucking actually I actually give him credit because I was just talking about the other day I say I think a lot of alternative comics are half now

01:18:28Guest:Oh, whoa.

01:18:29Guest:But no, now.

01:18:30Guest:Yeah.

01:18:30Guest:But you, when you went to Surf Reality and you, Garofalo, Pat Nalls, you guys were the real motherfuckers.

01:18:37Guest:Yeah.

01:18:37Guest:David Cross, you guys were the real alternative.

01:18:40Guest:Right.

01:18:40Guest:And this shit now, I think it's almost like a caricature of, because you get some fucking white guy in a beard and fucking flannel.

01:18:47Guest:Yeah.

01:18:48Guest:you know I was like at the store what yeah I think someone called it alt hack it's alt hack now it's actually become I used to like have a respect for that shit like yo that cause you would do alternative but do shit with us too I started with you I know that's why you were so good cause you all have been tackling each other and fucking yelling why can't I I think I have to sue Glenn I have a problem with oh was Glenn old Captain and Tennille hat dude yeah

01:19:18Guest:I can't fuck him with him in the back going, love will keep us together.

01:19:26Marc:See, like, you could do that, because I think if you and Glenn fought, you would do that weird dance thing that you do.

01:19:32Marc:Don't you have that Brazilian... Aren't you, like, a professional, like, something?

01:19:36Guest:What the fuck does that mean?

01:19:37Marc:What is that, pedophile?

01:19:41Marc:I'm a professional.

01:19:42Marc:Hello, ladies.

01:19:43Marc:No, like a martial arts thing.

01:19:44Guest:Oh, I studied martial arts for, like... I studied Hapkido for, like... Yeah, what the hell is that?

01:19:49Guest:What?

01:19:49Guest:Hapkido?

01:19:50Guest:Hapkido.

01:19:51Marc:Hapkido?

01:19:54Guest:I studied hop keto for nine years in New York.

01:19:57Guest:I just did it because, I mean, it doesn't work.

01:20:00Guest:What is it?

01:20:01Guest:It's just fucking martial arts, but I knew it wouldn't work because we were standing like this the whole time.

01:20:06Guest:Have you ever used a punch under your fucking underarm?

01:20:09Guest:No.

01:20:11Guest:It's just hop keto.

01:20:11Guest:It's about breaking wrists.

01:20:14Guest:You do a lot of wrist grabbing, but I've never seen grown men grab wrists.

01:20:20Guest:and you know what's funny is we studied that the first day I took Hapkido we the first thing they did was I'm sure some of you have taken martial arts not MMA I'm talking about before that when you had a certain discipline the first thing they do in Hapkido is they grab your wrist and you gotta like this is what we did the whole day it was wrist grabbing guys like grab my wrist do that grab my wrist it's like that game where you put your hand right right pow he was like grab my wrist do that grab my wrist keep doing that see that's the weakest the weakest is the thumb right someone grab your wrist boom you see that

01:20:50Guest:So we did that a thousand fucking times my first day.

01:20:53Marc:So just in case someone comes up to you with a gun, you're like, hold on.

01:20:56Guest:Grab my wrist.

01:20:59Guest:Yeah, you got the gun, but grab the wrist, see what happens.

01:21:02Guest:Let's make this about something else.

01:21:04Guest:Wow, bitch, what?

01:21:05Guest:But what's fucked up is your first, when you go through martial arts your first time, you get delusional.

01:21:12Guest:You think you know some shit.

01:21:14Mm-hmm.

01:21:14Guest:That's why guys that do martial arts for a long time never fight because they know what they can do.

01:21:18Guest:It's the ones that don't really know.

01:21:21Guest:They go, yo, fuck.

01:21:22Guest:They go to a club because they learn wrist grabbing.

01:21:24Guest:Yeah.

01:21:27Guest:And then they bump into one of those dudes like the fucking Ed Hardy.

01:21:30Guest:Yeah.

01:21:31Guest:Italian fucking pump fist fuckers.

01:21:33Guest:Yeah.

01:21:34Guest:You know what I mean?

01:21:35Guest:Yeah.

01:21:36Guest:Yeah.

01:21:37Guest:And then you bump into them, and they're like, what, bitch?

01:21:39Guest:And it's strobe light, so it's fucked up.

01:21:41Guest:So they're like, what, motherfucker?

01:21:43Guest:Yeah, yeah.

01:21:44Guest:Like, what?

01:21:45Guest:And so... So you're like, fuck you, dude.

01:21:51Guest:Yeah.

01:21:54Guest:You're like, damn.

01:21:55Guest:So... So you go, what?

01:22:00Guest:What's up, motherfucker?

01:22:01Guest:And then you go, bam, he punches you in the eye.

01:22:03Guest:You're like, grab my fucking wrist.

01:22:09Marc:It's fucking... Before you go, I really want, and I'm not trying to lead you into this, but like... Yes, you are.

01:22:17Guest:I'm not trying to lead you into it.

01:22:22Marc:But your dad's like, is he Nigerian?

01:22:24Guest:Yeah, Nigerian.

01:22:26Guest:Both my parents are Nigerian.

01:22:28Marc:That's interesting to me.

01:22:29Marc:Yeah.

01:22:30Guest:Why?

01:22:31Marc:Because your parents are from Nigeria.

01:22:33Guest:I don't know anyone from Nigeria.

01:22:36Guest:No, because I'm not... I'm a hip African.

01:22:41Guest:A lot of, no, a lot of you guys know Africans, but the African-African, you know?

01:22:46Guest:You know, they'd be like, yeah, I'm here.

01:22:53Guest:I don't even let my cousins hang out with me.

01:22:55Guest:Fuck, no, I don't want them to ever visit me in New York.

01:22:58Guest:Oh, hey, I want to visit.

01:22:59Guest:No, click.

01:23:00Guest:Nah, man.

01:23:03Guest:I don't want that.

01:23:04Guest:I don't want that.

01:23:05Guest:Because they don't know how to talk to women.

01:23:07Guest:No!

01:23:07Guest:They'd be like, hey, woman, come here.

01:23:09All right.

01:23:11Guest:What the fuck was that?

01:23:13Guest:That's some voodoo shit.

01:23:16Guest:That was some African problem.

01:23:18Guest:I know.

01:23:19Guest:That's an African microphone.

01:23:22Guest:No, but I don't... I'm African, and, you know, it's cool, and that's why I love New York, because I grew up in Chicago.

01:23:28Guest:I was born in Nebraska.

01:23:30Marc:Yeah.

01:23:30Marc:What the hell happened to your parents?

01:23:32Marc:What happened in Nigeria?

01:23:33Guest:Well, they leave.

01:23:34Marc:Okay.

01:23:36Guest:Why do you think all these immigrants are here?

01:23:38Guest:Fucking...

01:23:39Guest:Immigrants go any fucking way.

01:23:42Guest:It's funny.

01:23:42Guest:We go to the whitest towns, too.

01:23:45Guest:They'll be like, who the hell is that?

01:23:48Guest:You know what I mean?

01:23:48Guest:And people are like, how the fuck did your father go to Nebraska?

01:23:51Guest:Because he went to college in Nebraska.

01:23:53Guest:And I'm like, and this is fucking Nebraska.

01:23:56Guest:Fucking 60s and 70s.

01:23:57Guest:Fucked up.

01:23:59Guest:And racial slurs don't bother Africans.

01:24:03Guest:If you say nigger, he'll be like, no, it's Nigerian.

01:24:05Guest:You're pronouncing it wrong.

01:24:08Guest:I think...

01:24:09Guest:The G is soft.

01:24:14Guest:It's one G, one G, not two Gs.

01:24:19Guest:I'm a cool African.

01:24:21Guest:I'm hip.

01:24:22Guest:You won't know I'm African unless I tell you and shit.

01:24:24Guest:But I got those, there's those Africans.

01:24:26Guest:That's why you didn't know.

01:24:28Guest:Yeah.

01:24:28Guest:Because even my brother, my sister, you wouldn't know.

01:24:30Guest:Because we're not like, hey, hello.

01:24:32Guest:But did your dad talk like that?

01:24:33Guest:Oh, fuck it.

01:24:34Guest:I mean, no.

01:24:35Guest:My father, but my father's voice is the shit, though.

01:24:37Guest:Yeah.

01:24:38Guest:You know, when people would call my parents' house and shit, my father would pick up the phone.

01:24:43Guest:You know, I thought they were talking.

01:24:44Guest:He said, Lion King and shit.

01:24:46Guest:It's cool shit.

01:24:47Guest:Godfrey is not here.

01:24:49Oh.

01:24:49Guest:Mufasa?

01:24:54Guest:Awesome.

01:24:55Guest:Father's awesome.

01:24:56Marc:Godfrey, ladies and gentlemen.

01:24:59Marc:Sean Cohen.

01:25:00Marc:Thank you very much, Montreal.

01:25:03Marc:Thank you very much, Sean.

01:25:06Marc:Chris D'Elia, sorry for the marathon show.

01:25:10Marc:It was so nice of you to come.

01:25:12Marc:This has been, kick on the music if you're still there.

01:25:15Guest:Yeah.

01:25:16Marc:Live WTF from the Just for Laughs in Montreal.

01:25:19Marc:Yo, Twitter, Godfrey Comedian.

01:25:21Marc:Yes, I've got buttons and stickers.

01:25:24Marc:Thank you for coming.

01:25:25Marc:Thank you for listening to the show.

01:25:26Marc:I love you all.

01:25:57.

01:26:06.